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i quote you and doing so i honor you but really i never thought you could be sick of home as you put it you who are so happy at home and who so wildly hate being away from home fm not surprised at that my dear said i but you are of course familiar with the phrase stone walls do not a prison make i ve heard it said well there s another equally phrase which i have not yet heard expressed by another and it is this stone walls do not a home make it isn t very musical is it said he not very i answered but we don t all live magazine lives do we we have occasionally a sentiment a feeling out of which we do not try to make copy it is undoubtedly a truth which i have not the enchanted type writer yet seen by any modern poet of my acquaintance not even by the dead baby poets that home is not always to some other things at any rate it is my feeling and is shortly to represent my condition my home you know it has its walls and its pictures and its thousand and one comforts and its associations but when my wife and my children are away and the four walls do not re echo the voices of the children and my library the presence of madame it ceases truly to be home and if i ve got to stay here during the month of august alone i must have diversion else i shall find myself as badly off as the butterfly man to whom a exhibition is the greatest joy in life i think you are queer said well i m not said i however low we may set the standard of man mr b and i called him mr b instead of jim because i wished to be severe and yet retain the basis of familiarity however low we may set the standard of man the i think man as a rule prefers his home to the most roof garden life in existence wherefore said he coldly wherefore my home about to become through the absence of my boys and their mother i shall need some extraordinary diversion to accomplish my happiness now if you can come here why can t others suppose to night you dash off on the machine a lot of invitations to the people in to come up here with you and have an evening on earth in a most conventional way perhaps but still an evening on earth which isn t at all bad it s a scheme and a half said with more enthusiasm than i had expected do it only instead of trying to get these people to mate a pilgrimage to your shrine which i think they would decline to do shakespeare for instance wouldn t give a to inspect your as you have his i ll a series of the enchanted type writer personally conducted pleasure parties and make you my agent here that you see will naturally make your home our and i think the scheme would work to a charm because there are a great many well known who are curious to the scenes of their earlier state but who are timid about coming on their own responsibility i see said i are but mortal after all with all the timidity and weaknesses of but i agree to the proposition and if you wish it fu prepare to give them a rousing old time and be sure to show them something characteristic said i will i replied i may even get up a party for them i don t know what a party is but it sounds well said and i ll the enterprise at once s personally conducted pleasure parties first series no through for the round trip four dollars supper and all expenses f the included no tips extra lad s ticket one dollar hold on r i cried that can t be these affairs will really have to be with my wife away you know not if we secure a suitable said anyhow said i with great you don t suppose that in the absence of my family i m going to have my neighbors see me about the country on a car full of queens and and other females of all ages not a bit of it my dear james i m not a strictly conventional person but there are some points between which i draw lines i ve got to live on this earth for a little while yet and until leave it i must be guided more or less in what i do by what the world or very well answered i suppose you are right but in the autumn when your family has returned we can discuss the matter again said i resolved to put off the question for as the enchanted type writer long a time as i for i candidly confess that i had no wish to make myself responsible for the welfare of ladies as might avail themselves of the opportunity to go off on one of show the and beauties of your plan to the influential men of first my dear i added and then if they choose they can come again and bring their wives with them on their own responsibility i fancy that is the best plan but we ought to have some variety in these he replied a party however successful would not make a great season for an entertainment would it no indeed said i you are perfectly right about that what you want is one function a week during the summer season open with the party as no of your first series follow this with an evening of the tour of the roof gardens after that have a sunday at the sea side | 27 |
surf bathing summer and sand that would the make a mighty attractive line for your advertisement magnificent i don t see why you don t give up poetry and magazine work and get a position as writer for a you are only a but in the you d be a genius this was tapped off with such manifest sincerity that i could not take offence so i thanked him and resumed the grand of your first series might be a a century on a built for two hundred r magnificent cried with such enthusiasm that i feared he would the machine i ll devote a whole page of my sunday issue to the but to return to the woman question we ought really to have something to announce for them hath no fury like a woman scorned and i can t afford to scorn the sex you needn t have anything to do with them if you don t want to only tell the enchanted type writer me something i can announce and make henry the eighth solid again by putting that branch of the enterprise in his wives hands in that way fu kill two birds with one stone that s all very well but i m afraid i can t said i it s hard enough to know how to please a mortal woman without attempting to get up a series of for the rather miscellaneous of ladies who form your social structure below all men are alike and man s pleasures in all times have been generally the same but every woman is unique i never knew two who were alike and if it s all the same to you i d rather you left me out of your ladies altogether of course i know that even the queen of would enjoy a visit to a monday sale at one of our big department stores and i am quite as well aware that nine out of ten women in or out of it would enjoy the exhibition at the opera and if these two ideas impress you at all you are welcome to them the but beyond this i have nothing to suggest well fm sure those two ideas are worth a great deal returned making a note of them i shall announce four to monday call em to and back the great marked down tour and be sure you add for able women only no tickets issued except on recommendation of your family physician this is especially important for next to a war or a match there s nothing that i know of that is quite so dangerous to the as a bargain day i ll bear what you say in mind and he made a note of my and immediately upon my return to i will request an audience with henry s queens and ask them to devise a number of other likely to prove profitable and popular shortly after my visitor departed and i retired the next day my family deserted me and went to the mountains and all the enchanted type writer my fears as to the sense of loneliness which was to be my lot were realized even neglected me apparently for a week i went to my desk daily and returned at night hoping that my would bring forth something of an interesting nature but naught other than disappointment awaited me for a whole blessed week i was thrown back upon the society of my neighbors for diversion the type writer gave no sign of being little did i guess that was busy working up my scheme in his home but it came to pass finally that i was roused up walking one morning to my desk to find a bit of i needed i discovered a written slip marked no time for small talk grand success party to night ten cars wanted jim it was a large order for a town like mine where forty thousand people have to get along with five cars two open ones for the winter and two closed for summer and one which we have never seen which is kept for use in the repair shop i was in despair ten car loads of coming to my house for a party such conditions it was frightful i did the best i could however i ordered one car to be ready at eight and a large variety of good things and the latter to be held subject to the demand notes of our guests as may be imagined i did little real work that day and when i returned home at night i was on hooks lest something should go wrong but fortunately himself came early and relieved me of my worry in fact he was at the machine when i entered the house well he said have you the ten cars what do you take me for said i a car trust of course i haven t there are only five cars in town one of which is kept in the repair shop for effect i ve hired one g the enchanted type writer he cried what will the kings do kings r i cried what kings i have nine kings and one car load of common besides for this affair he explained each king wants a special car kings be v said i a party my much beloved james is an essentially institution and private cars are not de if your kings choose to come let em hang on by the but charged em extra cried that s all right said i they receive extra they have the ride the with the privilege of standing out on the platform and ringing the if they want to the great thing about the party is that there s no private car business about it well i don t know murmured if charles the | 27 |
first and louis don t kick the ti about being crowded in with all the rest i can stand anything that the great or may say but those two fellows are great for the royal there isn t any such thing as royal on a car i retorted and if they don t like what they get they can sit down in the waiting room and wait until we get back but s fears were not realized charles and louis were perfectly delighted with the party and long before we reached home the former had rung up the fare register to its full capacity while the latter a half a dozen times occupied himself in the of the overhead wire the party was an success the same remains to be said of the expedition the following week the same guests and attended this to the number of twenty and the were accounted a great enterprise and bade fair to redeem the losses the enchanted type writer of the eminent incurred during s administration of his affairs but after the night i had to withdraw from the combination to save my reputation the fact upon which i had not counted was that my neighbors began to think me insane i had failed to remember that none of these visiting spirits was visible to us in this material world and while my fellow were disposed to lay up my of a special car for my own private and particular use against the of genius they greatly that i should purchase twenty of the best seats at a show seemingly for my own exclusive use when besides this they saw me start off apparently alone on one followed by twenty eight other empty wheels which they could not know were by some of the most famous legs in the history of the world from s down to those of henry the they began to regard me as something the nor can i blame them it seems to me that if i saw one man along a road alone on a to an empty front seat i think him queer but if following in his wake i perceived twenty eight other wheels up hill and down without any visible motive power i should regard him as one who was in league with the devil himself nevertheless i judge from what has told me that i am regarded in as a great benefactor of the people there for having established a series of excursions from that world into this a service which has done much to convince the that after all if only by contrast the life below has its features vii t for some time after the organization of the pleasure the enchanted type writer appeared to be deserted night after night i watched over it with great care lest i should lose any item of interest that might come to me from below but much to my sorrow things in appeared to be dull so dull that the machine was not called into at all i little guessed what important matters were in that wonderful country had i done so i doubt i should have waited so patiently although my only method of getting there was suicide for which diversion i have very little liking on the twenty fourth an important decision night of waiting however the welcome sound of the bell dragged me forth from my comfortable couch whither expecting nothing i had retired early glad to hear your pleasant again i said missed you i m glad to get back returned for it was he who was the keys been so busy however over the court news that i haven t had a minute to spare court news eh i said you are going to open up a society column are you r not i he replied it s the other kind of a court we ve been having some pretty hot down in since i was here last the city of has been the state of for ten years back dog taxes for what i cried dog taxes for ten years explained we have just as much government below in our cities as you the enchanted type writer haye and i will say for that onr cities are better run than yours i suppose that is due to the fact that when a man gets to he immediately becomes a i suggested with a wink at the machine which somehow or other did not seem to appreciate the joke possibly observed whatever the reason however the fact remains that is a well governed city and what is more it isn t afraid to assert its rights even as against old himself it s safe enough for a said i much safer for a which has no soul than for an individual who has you can t torture a city oh can t you laughed can make it as hot for a city as he can for an individual it is evident that you never heard of and which is surprising to me since your jokes about lot s wife being too fresh and getting down would seem to indicate that you had heard some i vi r n an important decision thing about the punishment those cities you are right i said i had forgotten but tell me about the dog tax does the state own a dog does roared why my dear fellow where were you brought up and educated does the state own a that s what i asked you i put in meekly i may be very ignorant unless you mean the kind that we have in our called the watch dogs of the treasury or perhaps the dogs of war but i never thought any city would be crazy enough to make the government take out a license for them never heard of a beast named i suppose said yes i have i | 27 |
to be one dog two dogs or three dogs i object cried springing to his feet the question is a leading one ill the enchanted type writer sustained said with a nervous glance at who smiled at him ah you say you know a dog when you see one asked yes said the witness perfectly do you know two dogs when you see them or even three asked do replied the witness and how many dogs did you see when you saw p asked triumphantly three anyhow replied the witness with feeling though afterwards i thought there was a whole bench show of me your witness said a murmur of applause went through the court room at which frowned but his face cleared in a moment when rose up my cross examination of this witness your honor will be confined to one question then turning to the witness he said my poor friend if you an important decision considered to be three dogs anyhow why did you in examination a moment since refer to the of of which you so speak as him he is a him said the witness but if there were three should he not have been a them swore beneath his breath and the witness about in his chair confused and broken while both judge and smiled the point of the defence had pierced the of the your witness for re direct said no thanks retorted there are others and to his first witness to step down he called the second dog what is your business asked after the usual preliminary questions fm out of business on my said the witness h the enchanted type writer te what asked them i got from the city for injuries did me by that there i should say them them there what v persisted to the point said the witness d o r g s why s we may admit the r but why the s t because it s the of ain t any single headed commission said the witness who was something of a ward why do you say that is more than one dog t because had experience replied the witness i ve seen the time when he was everywhere all at once that s why i say he s more than one if he d been only one he couldn t have been anywhere else than where he was when was that r when i him him remonstrated an important decision yes said the witness i only caught one of him and then the other two took a hand ah the other two said you know dogs when you see them i do and he was all of em in a bunch replied the witness your witness said my friend said rising quietly how many men are you one sir was the answer have you ever been in two places at once yes sir when was that when i was in jail and in london all at the same time very good but were you in two places on the day of this attack upon you by no sir i wish i had been i d have stayed in the other place then if you were in but one place yourself how do you know that was in more than one place the enchanted type writer well i guess if you answer the question said oh well of course of course echoed that s it your honor it is only of course and i rest my case we have no witnesses to call we have by their own witnesses that there is no evidence of being more than one dog you ought to have heard the cheers as sat down continued well as for poor he was regularly knocked out but he rose up to sum up his case as best he could however stopped him right at the beginning the counsel for the might as well sit down he said and save his breath i ve decided this case in favor of the long ago it is plain to every one that is only one dog in spite of his many talents and manifest ability to be in several places at once and inasmuch as the tax which is for is merely a dog tax and not a an important decision tax i must render judgment for the with costs next case and the city of was thrown out of court concluded interesting eh very said i but how will this affect isn t he a city judge no replied he was but his term expired this morning and this afternoon appointed him chief justice of the supreme court of viii a hand book to said i the other night as the machine began to click nervously i have just received a letter from an unknown friend in who wants to know how the prize fight between and came out that time when and his crew stole the house boat on the just wait a minute please the machine responded i am very busy just now out the of the first series of the personally conducted you suggested some time ago i laid that whole proposition before the entertainment committee of the associated shades and they have resolved a hand book to to the ex eastern from the company and return to the scenes of their former glory a year to it going to take their wives i i asked i don t know replied that is a matter outside of the of the committee and must be decided by a full vote of the club i hope they will however as manager of the enterprise i need assistance and there are some of the men who can t be managed by anybody except their wives or mothers in law anyhow fu be through in a few minutes meanwhile let me hand you the latest product of | 27 |
the were to go provided with an umbrella for use in case x f an emergency of a similar nature in that portion of the book devoted to the enchanted type writer the trip up the river the legends far any of the stories in dramatic interest according to s excursion system the can step ashore and see the chief actors in them who for a consideration will give a full dress of the acts for which they have been famous the of the for instance sit on an eminence not far above the city of and make a profession of people ashore and giving away at so much per head locks of their hair for remembrance sake all of which makes of the trip a thing of far greater interest than that of the it had been my intention to make a few from this portion of the volume showing later in the legends of the and others of more than ordinary interest but i find that with the departure of for the night the hand book disappeared with him but as i have already stated if i can secure his consent to do so i will ij di j w a hand book to some day have the book copied off on more material than that employed in the original so that the useful little may be printed and scattered over a waiting and world i may as well state here too that i have taken the precaution to have the title s and its contents so that any who the value of the scheme will attempt to the work at his peril hardly had i finished the chapter on the legends of the when broke in upon me with well how do you like it it s great i said may i keep it you may if you can he laughed but i fancy it can t withstand the of this climate any more than an copy of one of your books could stand the of ours his words were soon to be for as soon as he left me the book vanished but whether it went off into thin air or was the enchanted type writer by the departing i am not entirely certain what was it yon asked me about and p as he gathered np his manuscript from the floor beside the enchanted whether they d ever been in no i replied i got a letter from the other day asking for the result of the prize fight the day ran with the house boat oh replied that why ah won hands down but only because they played according to latter day rules if it had been a regular knock out fight like the in the old days of the ring when it was in its prime could have managed him with one hand but the played a sharp game on the by having the most recently rules adopted and wasn t in it five minutes after opened his mouth i don t think i understand said i plain enough explained a hand book to didn t know what the modern rules were but he thought a fight was a fight under any rules so like a decent chap he agreed and when he found that it was nothing but a talking match he d got into he fainted he never was good at expressing himself talked him down in two rounds just as he did the other in the early days on earth i laughed you re slightly off there i said that was a stand up and down fight wasn t it he used the of an ass very true observed but it is evident that it is you who are slightly off you haven t kept up with the higher criticism it has been that not only did the whale not swallow but that s great feat against the was only to the achievements of your modern he talked them to death then why of an ass cried i the enchanted type writer was an ass replied they prove that by the temple episode for you see if he hadn t been one he d haye got oat of the building before the foundations from under it i tell you old chap this higher criticism is a great thing and as logical as death itself and with this left me i sincerely hope that the result of the fight will as satisfactory to my friend in as it was to me for while i have no particular admiration for i have always rejoiced to hear of the of who so far as i haye been able to ascertain was not only not a gentleman but in addition had no more regard for the rights of others than a member of the new york police force or the editor of a sunday newspaper with a thirst for sensation ix again i had intended asking what had become of my copy of the s when he next returned but the of the machine that evening interested me that the hand book was entirely forgotten if there ever was a hero in this world who could compare with d in my estimation for sheer ability in a given line that hero was with d and for my companions i think i could pass the balance of my days in absolute contentment no matter what ul things might befall me so it was that when i next heard the tapping keys and bell of my enchanted type writer and the enchanted type writer after listening intently for a moment realized that my friend was making a copy of a for his next s paper all thought of the interesting little of the last meeting flew ont of my head i rose quickly from my couch at the first sounding of the got a story eh i said walking to his | 27 |
side and gazing eagerly over the spot where his shoulder should have been i have that and it s a he replied if you don t believe it read it have it copied in about two minutes do both i said i believe all the stories i read it is so much pleasanter to believe them true if they weren t true they wouldn t be so wonderful with this i picked up the first page of the manuscript and shortly after presented me with the balance whereon i read the following extraordinary tale again a mystery solved a ih from sheets of ib i remember bt esq extraordinary by special appointment to hia if who the lady was i it was not many days after my solution of the missing diamond of the of mystery that i was called upon to take up a case which has baffled at least one person for some ten or eleven centuries the reader will remember the mystery of the missing diamond the largest known in all history which the of brought from india to present to the queen of england on the occasion of her diamond i had been dead three years at the time but by a special of his imperial the enchanted type writer was permitted to return to london for the season where it so happened that i put up at the same lodging house as that occupied by the and his we sat opposite to each other at table and for at least three weeks previous to the losing of his treasure the indian prince was very and it was very difficult to get him to speak i was not supposed to know nor indeed was any one else for that matter at the that the was so exalted a personage he like myself was travelling and was known to the world as mr of a very wise precaution inasmuch as he had in his possession a valued at a million and a half of dollars i recognized him at once however by his to a wood cut that had been appearing in the american sunday newspapers with his name as well as by the extraordinary lantern which he had on his a lantern which to the eye was no more again than an ordinary lamp but which to an eye like mine familiar with gems had for its crystal nothing more nor less than the famous stone which he had brought for her majesty the queen his imperial sovereign there are few people who can tell diamonds from plate glass under any circumstances and mr otherwise the this fact had taken this bold method of his treasure of course the moment i perceived the quality of the man s lamp i knew at once who mr was and i determined to have a little innocent diversion at his expense it has been a fine day mr said i one evening over the yes he replied wearily very but somehow or other i m depressed tonight too bad i said lightly but there are others there s that poor of for instance poor devil he must be the brown man that ever lived the enchanted type writer started nervously as i mentioned the prince by name wh why do you think that he asked nervously his butter knife it s tough luck to have to give away a diamond that s worth three or four times as much as the i i said suppose you owned a stone like that would you care to give it away not by a damn sight cried forcibly and i noticed great tears gathering in his eyes still he can t help himself suppose i said gazing abruptly at his pin that is he doesn t know that he can the queen expects it it s been announced and now the poor devil can t get out of it though i ll tell you mr if i were the of i d get out of it in ten seconds i winked at him significantly he looked at me yes sir i added merely to arouse him in just ten seconds ten short beautiful seconds z again mr said the was the name i was travelling under mr said the otherwise your remarks interest me greatly his face with a smile that i had never before seen there i have thought as you do in regard to this poor indian prince but i must confess i don t see how he can get out of giving the queen that diamond have a cigar mr and waiter bring us a triple of champagne do you really think mr that there is a way out of it if you would like a ticket to westminster for the ceremony there are a he tossed six tickets for seats among the crowned heads across the table to me his eagerness was almost too painful to witness thank you said i calmly the tickets for they were of rare value at that time the way out of it is very simple j j j the enchanted type writer indeed mr said he trying to keep cool ah are you interested in sir there are a few which i should be pleased to have you accept and with that over came a handful of precious stones each worth a fortune these also i as i replied why certainly if i were the said i rd lose that diamond a shade of disappointment came over mr s face lose it how where he asked with a frown yes lose any way i could as for the place where it should be lost any old place will do as long as it is where he can find it again when he gets back home he might leave it in his other clothes or make that two triple waiter | 27 |
cried mr excitedly interrupting me you re a genius and if you ever want a house and lot in just let me know and they re yours again you never saw such a change come over a man in all your life where he had been all gloom before he was now all smiles and and from that time on to his return to india mr was as happy as a school boy at the beginning of the next day the diamond was lost and whoever may have it at this moment the british crown is not in possession of the but as my friend says that is another story it is of the mystery immediately following this concerning which i have set out to write i was sitting one day in my office on square opposite the library smoking an which i had rolled myself from my special mixture consisting of two parts tobacco one part one part of with a glass of when an excited knock sounded upon my door come in i cried the usual the enchanted type writer the door opened and a beautiful woman stood before me clad in most garments of yet extremely pale it seemed to me that i had seen her somewhere before yet for a time i not place her mr said she in tones which singular to relate she in a fashion of a passage in an opera the same said i bowing with my accustomed courtesy the she sang in tones which were to my musical soul i laughed that term has been applied to me madame said i my answer as best i could for myself however i prefer to assume the more modest title of i can work with or without and have never yet been i know who wrote the letters and upon occasions have been known to see through a stone wall with naked eye what can i do for you again tell me who i am she cried taking the centre of the room and wildly well really madame i replied you didn t send up any card she sneered this is what your to eh ha do you suppose if i had a card with my name on it i d have come to you to inquire who i am i can read a card as well as you can mr then as i understand it madame i put in you have suddenly forgotten your identity and wish me to nothing of the sort i have forgotten nothing i never knew for certain who i am i have an impression but it is based only on evidence she interrupted for a moment i was fairly puzzled still i did not wish to let her know this and so going behind my screen and taking a full of to steady my nerves i gained a moment to think returning i said this really is child s play for me the enchanted type writer madame it won t take more than a week to find out who you are and possibly if you have any at all to your identity i may be able to solve this mystery in a day i have only three she answered and taking a piece of a lock of golden hair and a pair of silver from her she handed them over to me my first impulse was to ask the lady if she remembered the name of the from which she had escaped but i fortunately refrained from doing so and she shortly left me promising to return at the end of the week for three days i puzzled over the swan s down yellow hair and a pair of silver while very interesting no doubt at times do not form a very solid basis for a theory establishing the identity of so a person as my visitor my first impression was that she was a artist and that the she had left me were a part of her make up this again i was forced to abandon shortly because no woman with the voice of my visitor would sing in the more ambitious stage was her legitimate field if not grand opera itself at this point she returned to my office and i of course reported progress that is one of the most valuable things i learned while on earth when you have done report progress i haven t quite succeeded as yet said i but i am getting at it slowly i do not however think it wise to you with my present notions until they are beyond it might help me somewhat if you were to tell me who it is you think you are i could work either forward or backward on that as seemed best and so arrive at a truth anyhow that s just what i don t want to do said she that information might bias your final judgment if however acting on the which you have you confirm my impression that i am such and such a the type writer person as well as the views which other people have then will my be well defined and i can my against my for a separation with back with some assurance of a successful issue i was more puzzled than ever well said i slowly i of course can see how a small bit of and a lock of yellow hair backed up by a pair of silver might constitute reasonable evidence in a suit for separation but wouldn t it ah be more to your purpose if i should use these as establishing the identity of er somebody else how very dense you are she replied impatiently that s precisely what i want you to do but you told me it was your identity you wished i put in precisely said she then these bits of evidence are yours i asked | 27 |
a hearty and i ordered a luncheon of ten courses before removing my overcoat but not one morsel could the man eat for on the removal of my coat his eye fell upon my silver garments and with a gasp he fainted it was clear he recognized them and was afraid and in consequence lost his appetite but he was game and tried to laugh it off silver man i see he said nervously smiling no said i taking the lock of golden hair from my pocket and dangling it before him his jaw dropped in dismay but recovering himself instantly he put up a fairly good fight it is strange mr said i that in the three years i have been here never seen you before the enchanted type writer been very he said fact is i have had my reasons mr for preferring the life of a a al sir has made me fear to face the world there was nothing wrong it save that it was a folly and i have been anxious in these days of newspapers to any possible revival of what might in some eyes seem scandalous i felt sorry for him but my duty was clear here was my man but how to gain direct proof was still beyond me no further could be got out of him and we soon parted two days later the lady called and again i reported progress it needs but one thing madame to convince me that i have found your husband said i i have found a man who might be connected with from whose luxuriant curls might have come this tow colored lock and who might have worn the silver yet it is all might and no certainty b i ir again i will bring my small brother s and the tin sword said she the sword has certain properties which may induce him to confess my brother tells me that if he simply shakes it at a cat the cat falls dead do so said i and i will try it on him if he the sword and remembers its properties when i attempt to it at him he ll be forced to confess though it would be awkward if he is the wrong man and the sword should work on him as it does on the cat the next day i was in possession of the famous toy it was not very long and rather more suggestive of a than a sword but it was a terror i tested its qualities on a swarm of in my room and the moment i shook it at them they fluttered to the ground as dead as door nails i ll have to be careful of this weapon i thought it would be terrible if i should it at a man trying to get one of the com the enchanted type writer s cable cars to stop and he drop dead at his x all was now ready for the demonstration fortunately the following saturday night was club night at the house boat and we were all expected to come in costume for dramatic effect i wore a yellow wig a the silver and a to match with the brass and the tin sword properly about my person i looked even if i do say it and much to my surprise several people me for the man i was after another link in the chain even the public unconsciously recognized the value of my they called me and of course it all happened as i expected it always does came into the assembly room five minutes after i did and was visibly annoyed at my make up this is a great liberty said he grasping the of his sword but i answered him by blowing the at him at which he turned livid and fell back he had again recognized its soft i then hauled the sword from my belt shook it at a fly on the wall which immediately died and made as if to do the same at whereupon he cried for mercy and fell upon his knees turn that infernal thing the other he shrieked ah said i lowering my arm then you know its properties i i do i he cried it used to be mine i confess it then said i calmly putting the horrid bit of back into my belt that s all i wanted to know if you ll come up to my office some morning next week i ll introduce you to your wife and i turned from him my mission accomplished i left the and returned to my quarters where my fair was awaiting me well she said it s all right mrs i said and the lady cried aloud with joy at the name for it was the very one she had hoped the enchanted type writer it would be my man turns out to be your man and i turn him over therefore to you only deal gently with him he s a pretty decent chap and sings like a bird whereon i presented her with my bill for which she paid without a murmur as was entirely proper that she should for upon the evidence which i had secured the fair in the suit for separation of on the ground of desertion and non support obtained her decree with back of twenty per cent of s income for a trifle over fifteen hundred years how much that amounted to i really do not know but that it was a large sum i am sure for must have been very wealthy he couldn t have afforded to dress in solid silver if he had been otherwise i had the before returning them to their owner and even in a country where free of is looked upon they could not be for less than at a of to | 27 |
chapter x ik jim said i to one morning as the type writer began to work perhaps yon can me on a point concerning which a great many people have questioned me recently has taken hold of yet you referred to it some time ago and ive been wondering ever since if it had become a with you has it laughed my visitor well i should rather say it had the fact is it has been a great boon to the country you remember my telling you of the projected revolution led by and and the others i do very well said i and i have the enchanted type writer been intending to ask yon how it came out oh everything s as fine and sweet as can be now rejoined somewhat and all of we are all quiet along the now all are buried in the general love of and every one of us high or low and is away in peace and happiness on the links why only six weeks ago was for cooking on a iron and yesterday the two went out to the links together and played a mixed and playing against and dear me really r i cried that must have been an interesting match it was and up to the very last it was and between em said and won it with one hole up and they got that on the put they d have the hole if s back hair hadn t loose and bitten her just as she was out in it is a remarkable game said i there is no sensation in the world quite equal to that which comes to a man s when he has hit the ball a solid and sees it sail off through the air towards the green along like a very bird true said but fm rather of the opinion that it s a safer game for shades than for you purely material persons i don t see why i answered it is easy to understand returned for instance with us there is no resistance when by a we come into unexpected contact with the ball take the experience of and solomon at the st s links week before last the s was on and simple were playing just ahead of solomon and solomon was driving in great form for the first time in his life he seemed able to keep his eye on the ball and the way he sent it flying through the air was a the enchanted type writer tion and simple had both had their second stroke and solomon drove off his ball sailed straight ahead like a from a flew in a bee line for struck him at the base of his brain on through and landed on the edge of the green mercy r i cried didn t it kill him r f course not retorted you can t kill a shade didn t know he d been hit but if that had happened to one of you material there d have been a sickening end to that there would indeed said it there isn t much fun in being hit by a i can testify to that because i have had the experience and i called to mind the day at st s when jo unconsciously with my material self the celebrated the demon driver from the links scotland made his mark that day if he never did before and i bear the i in evidence thereof even now although the incident took place two years ago when i did not know enough to keep out of the way of the player who plays so well that he thinks he has a perpetual right of way everywhere what kind of clubs do you use i asked oh very much the same kind that you do returned everybody experiments with new too just as you do old peter for instance always drives with his wooden leg and never uses anything else unless he gets a lie where he s got to his leg i roared with a laugh how on earth does he do that r he the small end of it into a square block shod like a explained up his ball goes back ten yards makes a run at it and the ball pretty nearly out of sight he can put with it too like a dream swinging it sideways l the enchanted type writer but he doesn t call that does he i cried what is it demanded well i should call it said not at all said not a bit of it he hasn t any foot on that leg and he has a club head with a shaft to it there isn t any rule which says that the shaft shall not look like an nine pin nor do any of the accepted authorities require that the club shall be by the arms i admit it s bad form the way he plays but as himself says he never did travel on his shape suppose he gets a lie i asked very much interested at the first news from of the famous old oh he does one of two things said he it out with his toe or goes back and plays two more plays a good game too he beat the colonel forty seven straight holes last wednesday and all has been talking about it ever since j in who is the colonel i asked innocently returned didn t yon ever hear of colonel of i replied but i always supposed was an imaginary opponent not a real one so he is said then you mean i mean that beat him forty seven up said were there any witnesses i demanded for i had little faith in s regard for the eternal among which a card must be numbered if the game is to survive yes a hundred said there was only | 27 |
one trouble with em here the great laughed they were all imaginary like the colonel and s score i i the same naturally but it makes him king pin in circles just the same because nobody can go back on his logic said reasoned it the enchanted type writer ont yery indeed and largely he said to protect his own reputation here is an imaginary warrior said he who makes a but wholly imaginary score at he sends me an imaginary challenge to play him forty seven holes i accept not so because i consider myself a as because i am an if there is such a word ask dr johnson said i a little i always grow sarcastic when is mentioned dr johnson be began well well i remonstrated dr johnson be it i was about to say the type writer but the ink was thick and inclined to spread felt that was on his preserves as a man with an imagination i have always considered colonel a liar said i he all clubs and puts up an ideal score before he has played over the links in that isn t the point at all said don t lie don t lie nobody in polite or say rather accepted society lies they all imagine that he has only one claim to recognition and that is based entirely upon his imagination so when the imaginary colonel sent him an imaginary challenge to play him holes at why forty seven i asked an imaginary number explained don t interrupt as i say when the imaginary colonel i must interrupt said i what was he colonel of a regiment of perfect said ah i see i replied imaginary in his command there isn t one perfect much less a regiment of the little you are wrong there said you don t know how to produce a good but good can be made the enchanted type writer how i cried for i have suffered have the plan take a and at the ninth hole if they deserve it give them eighteen strokes across the legs with all your strength said but as i said before don t interrupt i haven t time left to talk with yon bnt i must ask one more question i in for i was growing excited over a new idea you say give them eighteen strokes across the legs across whose legs yours replied just take your up place him across your knees and him with your isn t a good term but it is good enough for the average in fact it will do him good go on said i with a mental resolve to adopt his well said having received an imaginary challenge from an imaginary opponent accepted he went out to the links with an in ball an imaginary of fanciful clubs and licked the imaginary life out of the colonel still i see said i somewhat perhaps how that makes him king pin in circles where did he on imaginary links said r i ejaculated don t sneer said you know yourself that the links you imagine are far better than any others what is s strongest point i asked seeing that there was no arguing with the man driving approaching or putting none of the three he cannot put he every drive and at approaching he s a ass said then what can he do i cried count said haven t you learned that yet you can spend hours learning how to drive weeks to approach and months to put but if you want to win you must know how to count the enchanted type writer i was silent and for the first time in my life i realized that was not so very different from certain i have met in my short day as a and then put in you see it isn t or driving that wins he continued cups aren t won on putting or approaching it s the man who puts in the best card who becomes the champion i am afraid you are right i said sadly but i am sorry to find that is as badly off as we mortals in that matter sir retorted is the same everywhere and that which is done in our world is directly in line with what is developed in yours i m sorry for said i but to continue about do the ladies play much on your links well rather returned and it s rather amusing to watch them at it too with her greek clothes finds it rather but for rare sport you ought to see queen elizabeth trying to in keep her eye on the ball over her it is really one of the finest spectacles you ever saw but why don t they dress properly ah sighed that is one of the things about that all the charm of life there we are but shades granted said i but your garments our garments can t said through all eternity we shades of our former selves are doomed to wear the shadows of our former clothes then what the devil does a poor do who goes to i cried she makes over the things she made be re said that s why my dear fellow the added becoming confidential that s why some people confound with ah the other place don t you know still there s i said and that s a for all ills you enjoy it don t you the enchanted type writer me cried me enjoy it not on all the lives in it is the for me r i said nonsense v you forget he began forget it must be you who forget if you call no sighed the genial spirit no i don t forget i remember remember what i demanded that i am dr johnson s was the | 27 |
by ic his in fact i was very dry yesterday curious thing i m always dry on rainy days i am one of the kind of men who know that it is the part of wisdom to stay in when it rains or to carry an umbrella when it is not possible to stay at home or having no home like ourselves to remain up in or up in as you may prefer you carried an umbrella then observed the landlady the idiot s shaft at the size of her elegant and airy apartments with an ease bom of experience yes madame returned the idiot quite unconscious of what was coming whose the lady a sarcastic smile playing about her lips that i cannot say mrs replied the idiot serenely but it is the one you usually carry your sir said the school master coming to the s rescue is an unworthy one the umbrella in question is mine it has been in my possession for five years then replied the idiot it is time you returned it don t think by ic men s morals are rather in this matter of mr he added turning from the school master who began to show signs of irritation very said the minister running his finger about his neck to make the collar which had been sent home from the by mistake set more easily very at the last conference i attended some person forgetting his high office as a minister in the church walked off with my umbrella without so much as a thank you and it was embarrassing too because the rain was coming down in what did you do asked landlady she liked mr s sermons and beyond this he was a more profitable than any of the others remaining home to luncheon every day and having to pay extra there was but one thing left for me to do i took the bishop s umbrella said mr blushing slightly but you returned it of course said the idiot i intended to but i left it on the train on my way back home the next day replied by ic the clergyman visibly embarrassed by the idiot s unexpected cross examination it s the same way with books put in the an unfortunate being whose love of rare first had brought him down from to boarding many a man who wouldn t steal a dollar run with a book i had a friend once who had a rare copy of through africa hy daylight it was a beautiful book only copies printed the of the pages were four inches wide and the was the was colored by hand and the page had one of the most amusing errors on it was there any reading matter in the book asked the idiot blowing softly on a hot that was nicely balanced on the end of his fork yes a little but it didn t amount to much returned the it isn t as reading matter that men like myself care for books you know we have a higher notion than that it is as a specimen of the book maker s art that we admire a bit of literature like through africa hy day by ic light but as i was saying my friend had this book and he d extra illustrated it he had pictures from all parts of the world in it and the book had grown from a volume of one hundred pages to four volumes of two hundred pages each and it was stolen by a highly honorable friend i suppose the idiot interrupted yes it was stolen and my friend never knew by whom said the what cried the idiot in mock surprise did you never confess it was fortunate for the idiot that the cakes were brought on at this moment had there not been some diversion of that kind it is certain that the would have him it is very kind of mrs i think said the school master to provide us with such delightful cakes as these free of charge yes said the idiot helping himself to six cakes very kind indeed although i must say they are extremely economical from an point of view which is to they are rather fuller of than of i wonder why it is he continued possibly to the landlady s re by ic why it is that and cakes are so in appearance and so widely different in their respective effects on the system put in a genial old gentleman who occasionally seated next to the idiot i fail to see the between a cake and a plaster said the school master if possible to the idiot you don t eh the latter then it is very plain sir that you have never eaten a plaster to this the school master could find no reasonable reply and he took refuge in silence mr tried to look severe the gentleman who occasionally smiled all over the ignored the remark entirely not having as yet forgiven the idiot for his gross regarding his friend s edition de of through africa hy daylight mary the maid who greatly admired the idiot not so much for his as for the aristocratic manner in which he carried himself and the truly striking striped shirts he wore left the room by ic in a of laughter that bo alarmed the cook below stairs that the next ul of cakes were more like tin plates than cakes and as for mrs that worthy woman was speechless with wrath but she was not apparently for reaching down into her pocket she brought forth a small piece of paper on which was written in detail the account due of the idiot i d like to have this settled sir she said with some certainly my dear madame replied the idiot certainly can you cash a check for a | 27 |
hundred no mrs could not then i shall have to put paying the account until this evening said the idiot but tell me he added with a glance at the amount of the bill are you related to mr mrs i am not she returned sharply my mother was a i only asked said the idiot because i am very much interested in the subject of and you may not know it but you and he have each a marked tendency towards high bills by ic and before mrs could think of anything to say the idiot was on his way down town to help his employer lose money on wall street by ic ii do you know i sometimes think began the idiot opening and shutting the silver cover of his watch several times with a snap with the probable and not altogether purpose of calling his landlady s attention to the fact of which she was already painfully aware that breakfast was fifteen minutes late do you really interrupted the school master looking up from his bo k with an air of mock surprise i am sure i never should have suspected it indeed r returned the idiot undisturbed by this reflection upon his intellect i don t really know whether that is due to your generally nature or to your as a mind reader there are some minds put in the landlady at this point that are so small that it by ic certainly ruin the eyes to attempt to read them i have seen many such observed the idiot even our friend the at times has seemed to me to be very absent minded and that reminds me doctor he continued addressing himself to the medical what is the cause of absent that returned the doctor is a very large question absent generally speaking is the result of the of the intellect into surroundings other than those which for want of a better term i might call the immediate so i have understood said the idiot and is absent acquired or inherent here the idiot appropriated the roll of his neighbor that depends largely upon the case replied the doctor nervously some are bom absent minded some achieve and some have absent thrust upon them as illustrations of which we might take by ic ii for instance i suppose said the idiot the bom idiot the and the man who is knocked silly by the pole of a on precisely replied the doctor glad to get out of the discussion so easily he was a very young doctor and not always sure of himself or put in the school master to our illustrations if the idiot would kindly go out upon and encounter the we should find the three combined in him the landlady here laughed quite heartily and handed the school master an extra strong cup of coffee there is a great deal in what you say said the idiot without a tremor there are very few scientific phenomena that cannot be in one way or another by my poor but essentially honest self it is the exception always that proves the rule and in my case you find a consistent converse of all three branches of absent he talks well said the to the minister by ic yes especially when he gets hold of large words i really believe he reads replied mr i know he does said the school master who had overheard i saw him reading s dictionary last night i have noticed however that generally his is largely confined to words that come between the letters a and f which shows that as yet he has not dipped very deeply into the book what are you murmuring about the idiot noting the lowered tone of those on the other side of the table we were conversing about began the minister with a despairing glance at the let me say it interrupted the you aren t used to and that is what is demanded at this time we were talking about ah about er tut tut ejaculated the school master we were only saying we thought the that what are the first symptoms of insanity doctor observed the idiot with a look of wonder at the three shuffling op by ic him and turning anxiously to the physician i wish you wouldn t talk shop retorted the doctor angrily insanity was one of his weak points it s a habit said the school master much relieved at this turn of the conversation well perhaps you are right returned the idiot people do as a rule prefer to talk of things they know something about and i don t blame you doctor for wanting to keep out of a medical discussion i only asked my last question because the behavior of the and mr and the school master for some time past has worried me and i didn t know but what you might work up a nice little practice among us it might not pay but you d find the experience valuable and i think unique it is a fine thing to have a doctor right in the house said mr kindly fearing that the doctor s manifest indignation might get the better of him that returned the idiot is an assertion mr that is both true and there are times when a physician by ic is an ornament to a boarding times when he is not for instance on wednesday morning if it had not been for the skill of onr friend here our good landlady could never have managed properly to the late autumn chicken we found upon the one for the on the other hand i must confess to considerable loss of appetite when i see the doctor rolling his bread up into little or measuring the he puts on his by means of a glass and taking the | 27 |
temperature of his coffee with his pocket nor do i like and i should not have mentioned it save by way of my position in regard to mr s assertion nor do i like the cold eager glitter in the doctor s eyes as he watches me with some i admit the cold we have served up to us on saturday mornings under the wholly transparent of hot bread i may have very bad taste but in my humble opinion the man who talks shop is to the one who suggests it in his eyes some more potatoes mary he added calmly madame said the doctor turning an by ic to the landlady this is you may make out my bill this morning i shall have to seek a home elsewhere oh now doctor began the landlady in her most pleading tone jove ejaculated the idiot that s a good idea doctor i think i ll go with i m not altogether satisfied here myself but to desert so charming a company as we have here had never occurred to me together however we can go forth and perhaps find happiness shall we put on our hunting and chase the fiery hall room to the death this morning or shall we put it off until some pleasanter day put it observed the school master the idiot was only indulging in doctor that s all when you have known him longer you will understand him better views are as necessary to him as sunlight to the flowers and i truly think that in an asylum he would prove a delightful companion there doctor said the idiot that s handsome of the school master he couldn t make more of an apology if he tried ill forgive him if you will what say you by ic and strange to the doctor in spite of the indignation which still left a red tinge on his cheek laughed aloud and was reconciled as for the school master he wanted to be angry but he did not feel that he could afford his wrath and for the first time in some months the guests went their several ways at peace with each other and the world by ic m was a conspiracy in hand to the idiot the school master and the had combined forces to give him a taste of his own medicine the time had not yet arrived which showed the idiot at q disadvantage and the two the one proud of his learning and the other not wholly of a life were distinctly tired of the triumphant manner in which the idiot always left the to their invariable discomfiture it was the school master s suggestion to put their into the pit he had heretofore for them the worthy of youth had of late come to see that while he was stiu a prime favorite with his landlady he had nevertheless suffered somewhat in her estimation because of the apparent ease with which the idiot had got the better of him on all points it was by ic he thought to himself and a deep laid plot to which the readily lent ear was the result of his reflections they twain were to indulge in a discussion of the great story of robert which both were confident the idiot had not read and concerning which they felt assured he could not have an intelligent opinion if he had read it so it happened upon this bright sunday morning that as the sat them down to partake of the usual breakfast as the idiot termed it the observed i have just finished reading robert mere have you indeed returned the school master with apparent interest i trust you by it on the contrary observed the my views are much unsettled by it i prefer the breast of the chicken mrs observed the idiot sending his plate back to the genius of the table the neck of a chicken is graceful but not too full of by ic he fights shy whispered the never mind returned the school master confidently we u land him yet then he added aloud unsettled by it i fail to see how any man with that are at all the result of mature convictions can be unsettled by the story of for my part i believe and i have always said i never could understand why the neck of a chicken should be allowed on a respectable table anyhow continued the idiot the in which his neighbors were engaged unless for the purpose of showing that the deceased fowl met with an accidental rather than a natural death in what way does the neck that point the forgetting the conspiracy for a moment by its twist or by its length of course returned the idiot a chicken that dies a natural death does not have its neck wrung nor when the head is removed by the use of a is it likely that it will be cut off so close behind the ears that those who eat the chicken are confronted with four inches of neck by ic very entertaining indeed interposed the school master but we are wandering from the point the and i were discussing is or is not the story of robert to one s perhaps you can help us to decide that question perhaps i can returned the idiot and perhaps not it did not my but don t you think observed the that to certain minds the book is more or less to that i can confidently say no the certain mind knows no uncertainty replied the idiot calmly very pretty indeed said the school master coldly but what was your opinion of mrs ward s handling of the subject do you think she was sufficiently and if and weakened under the stress of circumstances do you think or don t you think the production of such a | 27 |
book because being real it must of necessity therefore be to some minds i prefer not to express an opinion on by ic that subject returned the idiot because i never read robert never read it ejaculated the school master a look of triumph in his eyes why everybody has read that to have read anything asserted the of course put in the landlady with a scornful laugh well i didn t said the idiot the same ground was gone over two years before in s great story la it or is it not and anybody who ever read s books on the non as opposed to what is knows where got his points s story was a perfect marvel i don t know how many it went through in england and when it was translated into french by madame it simply set france wild great scott whispered the desperately i m afraid we ve been barking up the wrong tree you ve read i suppose asked the idiot turning to the school master y es returned the school master blushing deeply by ic the idiot looked surprised and tried to conceal a smile his coffee from a spoon and no returned the school master humbly i never read well you ought to it s a great book and the one robert is taken from same ideas all through i m told why i didn t read waste of time you know but you noticed yourself i suppose that s ground is tiie same as that covered in f no i only dipped into returned the school master with some embarrassment but you couldn t help noticing a of ideas insisted the idiot calmly the school master looked at the who would have been glad to fly to his co s assistance had he how but never having heard of or either for that matter he made up his mind that it was best for his reputation for him to stay out of the very slight however said the school master in despair by ic where can i find s books put in mr very much interested the idiot conveniently had his mouth full of chicken at the moment and it was to the school master who had also read him that they all the landlady included looked for an answer oh i think returned that worthy hesitatingly i think you ll find in any of the public what is his full name persisted mr taking out a j said the idiot yes that s it j echoed the school master very writer and a clear he added with some what if any of his books would you specially recommend asked the minister again the idiot had by this time risen from the table and was leaving the room with the genial gentleman who occasionally the school master s reply was not audible i say said the genial gentleman to the by ic idiot as they passed out into the hall they didn t get much the of you in that matter but tell me who was anyhow r never heard of him before returned the idiot and same as know anything about chuckled the genial gentleman nothing except that it and pigs in came out at the same time and i stuck to the pigs and the genial gentleman who occasionally was so pleased at the plight of the school master and of the that he invited the idiot up to his room where the private stock was kept for just such occasions and they put in a very pleasant morning together by ic iv the guests were assembled as usual the course had been eaten in silence in the idiot s eye there was a cold glitter of a glitter that ill for the man who should challenge him to combat and there seemed also to be judging from passed over the table and passed under it an understanding to which he and the genial gentleman who occasionally were parties as the school master his coffee the genial gentleman who occasionally broke the silence i missed you at the concert last night mr idiot said he yes said the idiot with a caressing movement of the hand over his upper lip i was very sorry but i couldn t get last night i had an engagement with a number of friends at the club i by ic meant to have dropped you a line in the afternoon telling you about it but i forgot it until it was too late was the concert a success very successful indeed the best one in fact we have had this season which makes me regret all the more deeply your absence returned the genial gentleman with a suggestion of a smile playing about his lips indeed he added it was the one i ve ever seen the finest one you ve what the school master startled at the the finest one i ve ever seen replied the genial gentleman there were only ten and really in all my experience as an attendant at i never saw such a magnificent rendering of as we had last night i wish you could have been there it was a sight for the gods i don t believe said the idiot with a slight cough that may have been intended to conceal a laugh and that may also have been the result of too many i don t believe it could have been any more interesting than a game of pool i heard at the club by ic it appears to me said the to the school master that the we heard late last night in the idiot s room may have some connection with the present mode of speech these two gentlemen affect let s hear them out returned the school master and then we ll take them into | 27 |
camp as the idiot would say i don t know about that replied the genial gentleman i ve seen a great many and i ve heard a great many good games of pool but the concert last night was simply a spectacle we had a there who played the of the first act of with surprising as far as i could see he didn t miss a note though it was a little to observe how he used the too forcibly or how the idiot not forcibly enough returned the he tried to work them both with one foot it was the only thing to mar an otherwise marvellous performance the idea of a man trying to display by ic with two hands and one foot is to a with a trained eye i wish the doctor would come down said mrs anxiously yes put in the school master there seems to be madness in our midst well what can you expect of a anyhow the idiot the like the or the italian or the african hasn t the vigor which is necessary for the proper comprehension and rendering of s music he is by nature slow and indolent if it were easier for a to hop than to walk he d hop and rest his other leg i ve known whose diet was entirely confined to because they were too tired to it is the ease with which it can be absorbed that makes the favorite dish of the and the fondness of all latin races for is entirely due i think to the fact that wine can be swallowed without this affects also their language the italian and the speak the language that comes easy that is soft and dreamy while the and er more energetic indulge in a speech by ic weren t your ears long enough f by ic by ic that even to us who are people of an average amount of energy is sometimes appalling in the severity of the strain it puts upon the tongue so while i do not wonder that your showed defects in his use of the i do wonder that even with his surprising he had sufficient energy to the keys to the satisfaction of so competent a witness as yourself it was too bad but we made up for it later asserted the other there was a young girl there who gave us some of s songs without words her expression was simply perfect i wouldn t have missed it for all the world and now that i think of it in a few days i can let you see for yourself how splendid it was we persuaded her to the songs in the dark and we got a flash light photograph of two of them oh then it was not on the piano she gave them said the idiot oh no all returned the genial gentleman here mr began to look concerned and whispered something to the by ic school master who replied that there were enough others present to cope with the two parties to the conversation in case of a violent outbreak i d be very glad to see the photographs replied the idiot i secure copies of them for my collection you know i have the complete rendering of home sweet home in views as sung by they are simply wonderful and they prove what has repeatedly been said by critics that in the matter of expression the superior of has never been seen i ll try to get them for you though i doubt it can be done the artist is a veiy shy young girl and does not care to have her efforts given too great a until she is ready to go into music a little more deeply she is going to read the moonlight to us at our next concert you d better come i m told her gestures bring out the s meaning in a manner never as yet equalled ill be there thank you returned the idiot and the next time those fellows at the club are down for a pool i want you to come up and hear them play by ic it was extraordinary last night to hear the balls dropping one by one click click as regularly as a into the pockets one of the finest shots i ain sorry to say i missed how did it happen asked the weren t your ears long enough it was a kiss shot and i couldn t hear it returned the idiot i think you men are crazy said the school master unable to contain himself any longer so observed the idiot calmly and how do we show our insanity seeing and hearing games of pool i take exception to your ruling returned the as my friend the idiot has frequently remarked you have the peculiarity of a great many men in your profession who think because they never happened to see or do or hear things as other people do they may not be seen done or heard at all i saw the concert i attended last night our musical club has rooms next to a hospital and we have to give silent for fear of disturbing the but by ic we are au of sufficient education to understand by a glance of the eye what you would fail to comprehend with fourteen ears and a very well said put in the idiot with a scornful glance at the school master and i literally heard the pool i was dining in a room the hall and every shot that was made with the exception of the one i spoke of was distinctly audible you gentlemen who think you know it all wouldn t be able to supply a of information at the rate of five minutes a day for an hour on a holiday s go up stairs he added turning to | 27 |
the where we may discuss our last entertainment apart from this atmosphere of learning it makes me faint and the who was with difficulty keeping his lips in proper form was glad enough to accept the invitation the to some purpose last night he said later on yes said the idiot for a conspiracy there s nothing so as by ic when yon get through with the fire mr observed the idiot one winter s morning observing that the ample proportions of the school master served as a screen to shut off the heat from himself and the genial gentleman who occasionally i wish you would let us have a little of it indeed if you could conveniently spare so little as one flame for my friend here and myself we d be much obliged it won t hurt you to cool off a little sir returned the school master and without moving no i am not so much afraid of the injury that may be mine as i am concerned for you if that fire should melt our only material i do not know what our good landlady would do is it true as the that mrs by ic leaves all her milk and butter in your room upon your coolness to keep them fresh i never made any such assertion said the warmly i am not used to having my word disputed returned the idiot with a wink at the genial old gentleman but i never said it and i defy you to prove that i said it returned the hotly you forget sir said the idiot coolly that you are the one who my assertion that casts the burden of proof on your shoulders of course if you can prove that you never said anything of the sort i withdraw but if you cannot proofs you having doubted my word and publicly at that need not feel hurt if i decline to accept all that you say as gospel you show ridiculous heat said the school master thank you returned the idiot gracefully and that brings us back to the original proposition that you would do well to show a little yourself good morning gentlemen said mrs by ic entering the room at this moment it s a bright fresh morning like yourself said the school master gallantly yes added the idiot with a glance at the clock which forty five minutes after the breakfast hour very like mrs rather advanced to this the landlady paid no attention but the school master could not refrain from saying advanced and therefore not backward like some persons i might name veiy clever retorted the idiot and really worth mrs you ought to give mr a receipt in full for the past six months mr returned the landlady severely is one of the gentlemen who always have their for the past six months which a very saving disposition accorded the idiot i wish i had all i d received for six months i d be a rich man would you now the that is interesting enough how men s ideas differ on the subject of wealth i by ic g here is the idiot would consider himself rich with in his pocket do yon think he gets as as that put in the school master five dollars a week is rather high pay for one of very high indeed agreed the idiot i wish i got that much i might he able to hire a two legged to tell me everything and have over a week left to spend on opera dress and the poor but honest board mrs if my salary was up to the mark but the trouble is men do not make the fortunes nowadays with the ease with which you mr made yours there are no doubt more and greater opportunities to day than there were in the time but there are also more men trying to take advantage of them labor in the business world is badly watered the are turning out more men in a week nowadays than the whole country turned out in a year forty years ago and the quality is so poor that there has been a general of wages all along the line where does the for existence come in when he has to with the by ic bred youth who for fear of not getting employment anywhere is willing to work for nothing people are not willing to pay for what they can get for nothing i am glad to hear from your lips so complete an admission said the school master that education is ignorance i am glad to know of your gladness returned the idiot i didn t quite say that education was ignorance i plead guilty to the charge of holding the belief that very materially with skilled in skilled s efforts to make a living then you admit your own asked the school master somewhat surprised by the idiot s command of i admit that i do not know it all returned the idiot i prefer to go through life feeling that there is yet something for me to learn it seems to me far better to admit this voluntarily than to have it forced home upon me by circumstances as happened in the case of a college i know who on wall street and by ic lost the hundred dollars that were subsequently put to a good use by the me from which you that ignorance is better than education the school master scornfully for an returned the idiot you are singularly near sighted i have made no such i arrive at the conclusion however that in the chase for the gilded the education of experience is better than the of in the satisfaction the personal one from a liberal education i admit that the sons of are the better off i never could hope to be so for | 27 |
instance as you are no observed the school master you raise grapes on a farm any observer looking around this table he added and noting mr a of the a son of dear old the doctor an honor man of our legal friend here a of to say nothing of myself who was with honors at any observer seeing these i say by ic and then seeing you wouldn t take very long to make up his mind as to whether a man is better oflf or not for having had a training there i must again dispute your assertion returned the idiot the person of whom you speak would say here is this gray haired man this cambridge boy of fifty seven years of age the reverend of class of and the other two learned gentlemen of forty nine each and this poor of an idiot whose only virtue is his modesty all in the same box and then he would ask himself in what way have these sons of and so forth the better of the modest and idiot the same box said the what do you mean by that just what i say returned the idiot the same box all boarding all luxuries of necessity all paying their bills with difficulty all clothed in reality all keeping lent the year through verily he would say the idiot has the best of it for he is young by ic and leaving them the of reflection the idiot departed i thought they were going to land you that time said the genial gentleman who occasionally later but when i heard you use the word i knew you were all right where did you get it my chief got it on me at the office the other day i happened in a mad moment to try to some of my original observations on him of my getting to the office two hours late in which it was my endeavor to prove to him that the truly safe and man was always slow and so apt to turn up late on occasions he about the office for a minute or two and then he informed me that i was an i didn t know what he meant and so i looked it up and what did he mean he meant that i took the cake for and i guess he was right replied the idiot with a smile that was not altogether by ic vi good morning p said the idiot cheerfully as he entered the dining room to this remark no one but the landlady vouchsafed a reply i don t think it is she said shortly it s too hard to be a very good morning that reminds me observed the idiot taking his seat and helping himself to the a friend of mine on one of the newspapers is preparing an article on the antiquity of modem humor with your kind permission mrs fu take down your remark and hand it over to mr as a specimen of the modem antique joke you may not be aware of the fact but that jest is to be found in the rare first edition of the tales of an italian who stole everything he wrote from the by ic so the i never heard of though i had before the sale of my library a choice copy of the tales of bound in full crushed with gilt edges and one or two other italian joe in tree calf i cannot at this moment recall their names at what period did live inquired the school master i don t exactly remember returned the idiot assisting the last on the table over to his plate i know exactly it was subsequent to b c i think although i may be wrong if it was not you may rest assured it was prior to b c do you happen to know the the exact date of this rare first edition of which you speak no no one knows that returned the idiot and for a very good reason it was printed before dates were invented the silence which followed this bit of information from the idiot was almost insulting in its intensity it was a silence that spoke and what it said was that the idiot s was colossal and he accepting the stillness as a tribute smiled sweetly by ic wliat do you think mr he said when he thought the time was ripe for the conversation what do you think of the doctrine that every day will be sunday by and by i have only to say sir returned the pouring a little hot water into his milk which was a bit too strong for him that i am a firm in the occurrence of a period when sunday will be to all practical purposes perpetual that is my belief too observed the school master but it will be to our good landlady to provide us with one of her fine sunday every morning thank you mr returned by ic mrs with a smile can t i give another cup of coffee you may the school master pained at the lady s grammar but too courteous to call attention to it save by the emphasis with which he spoke the word may one view to take of it said the idiot but in case we got a sunday breakfast every day in the week we on the other hand would get what we pay for you may fill my cup too mrs the coffee is all gone returned the landlady with a snap then mary said the idiot gracefully turning to the maid you may give me a glass of ice water it is quite as warm after all as the coffee and not quite so weak a perpetual sunday though would have its he added unconscious of the glances of the landlady you mr for instance would | 27 |
be preaching all the time and in consequence would soon break down then the effect upon our eyes from habitually reading the sunday newspapers day after day would be extremely bad nor must we forget that an by ic eternity of sur days means the from our midst as the say of of of horse racing and other necessities of life unless we are prepared to cast over the view of sunday which now it would substitute dr for we should lose ta ra ra boom de ay entirely which is a point in its favor i don t know about that said the genial old gentleman i rather like that song did you ever hear me sing it asked the idiot never mind returned the genial old gentleman hastily perhaps you are right after all the idiot smiled and resumed our shops would be perpetually closed and an enormous loss to the would be sure to follow mr s theory that we should have sunday every day is not for the reason that with a perpetual day of rest would die out food would be killed off by weeds in fact we should go back to that really unfortunate period when women were without dress makers and man s chief by ic object in life was to animals as he met them and to from apples wisdom and full dress the idiot is right said the it would not be a very good thing for the world if every day were sunday wash day is a necessity of life i am willing to admit this in the face of the fact that wash day meals are invariably would be void as a rule because sunday is a dies non a what asked the idiot a non day in a business sense put in the school master of course said the landlady scornfully any person who knows anything knows that then madame returned the idiot rising from his chair and putting a handful of sweet in his pocket then i must put in a claim for from you having been charged at the rate of one dollar a day for dies in the two years i have been with you indeed returned the lady sharply very well and i shall put in a for the you carry away from by ic the breakfast table every morning in your pockets in that event we call it off madame returned the idiot as with a bow and a pleasant smile he left the room well i call him off was all the landlady could say as the other guests took their departure and of course the school master agreed with her by ic vn streets appear to be as far from perfect as ever said the with a sigh as he looked out through the window at the great pools of water that gathered in the made by the sinking of the blocks we d better go back to the of our fathers there is a great deal in what you say observed the school master the has all the of mother earth and none of the noises we get from the that obtain to day it is and the moisture the pavement is and lets it run into our we might do far worse than to go back excuse me for having an opinion said the idiot but the man of enterprise can t afford to indulge in the luxury of the by ic it is too quiet it to sleep which is a luxury business men cannot afford to indulge in too freely man must be up and doing the prosperity of a great city is to my mind directly due to its noise and clatter which effectually put a stop to and keep men at all times wide awake this is a rabbit idea i fancy said the school master quietly he had overheard the idiot s confidences as revealed to the genial regarding the sources of some of his ideas not at au returned the idiot these ideas are beef not rabbit they are the result of much thought if you will put your mind on the subject you will see for yourself that there is more in my theory than there is in yours the prosperity of a locality is the greater as the noise in its vicinity it is in the quiet neighborhood that man where do we find great business houses where do we find great fortunes made where do we find the busy bees who make the honey that posterity to get into society and do nothing do we pick up our millions on by ic the i guess not do we erect our most business houses along the roads laid out by our sister i think not does the man who goes from the to the white house take the short cut i fancy not he goes over the block pavement he seeks the home of the noisy street before he lands in the shoes of washington the man who sticks to the may be able to drink milk but he never wears diamonds all that you say is very true but it is not based on any principle it is so because it happens to be so returned the school master if it were man s habit to have the streets laid out on the old principle in his cities he would be quite as energetic quite as prosperous as he is now principle involved there is the principle of all business success involved said the idiot warming up to his subject what is the quality in the good business man what is in this town it is impossible for a man to sleep after a stated hour and by ic for no other reason than that the clatter of the prevents him as a of where is your the of the and we all know the mountains | 27 |
are by em keep van awake and i ll mr here a year s board that there isn t a man in his congregation who can sleep a half hour much less twenty years with within hearing distance i tell you mr he continued it is the man from the who gets it s the man from the who can t make a living even out of what he calls his new york store it is the man from the who because he can sell ten dollars worth of sheep s wool for five dollars and is happy when he goes to meeting dressed up in a four dollar suit of clothes that has cost him twenty your theory my young friend observed the school master is as fragile as this cup tapping his cup the of whom you speak is up and doing long before you or i or your successful merchant who has great on noise as you by ic put it is awake if the early bird catches the worm what becomes of your theory the early bird does get the bait replied the idiot but he does not catch the fish and offer the board another that the block merchant is wider awake at a when he first opens his eyes than his brother who gets up at five is all day it s the extent to which the eyes are opened that counts and as for your statement that the fact that prosperity and noisy streets go hand in hand is true only because it happens to be so that is an argument which may be applied to any truth in existence i am because i happen to be not because i am you are what you are because you are because if you were not you would not be what you are your logic is said the school master scornfully i strive to please replied the idiot but i do agree with the that our streets are far from perfection he added in my opinion they should be laid in on the ground floor should be the and telegraph pipes above this be the water then a for by ic then a broad for carriages above which should be a for the for should be divided into four sections one for persons of leisure one for those in a hurry one for and one for beggars highly original said the and so cheap added the school master in no part of the world said the idiot in response to the last comment do we get something for nothing of course this scheme would be costly but it would increase prosperity ha i ha laughed the school master laugh away but you cannot my point our prosperity would increase for we should not be always to get at our pipes our surface cars with a clear track would gain for us rapid our drivers would not be subjected to the temptations of stopping by the to a or to run down a our fine would in consequence need fewer and as for the the beggars if to by ic themselves would be forced out of business as would also the street the men in a hurry would not be delayed by beggars and and the would derive benefit from the arrangement in the saving of wear and tear on their clothes and minds by contact with the busy world it would be the school master particularly on sundays when they were all yes the idiot it would be delightful then especially in when covered with an to shield from the sun mr sighed and the wearily declining a second cup of left the table with the doctor earnestly discussing with that worthy gentleman the causes of by ic there s a friend of mine up near said the idiot as he unfolded his and let his bill flutter from it to the floor who s tried to make a name for himself in literature what s his name asked the interested at once that s just the trouble he hasn t made it yet replied the idiot he hasn t succeeded in his courtship of the muse and beyond himself and a few friends his name is utterly unknown what work has he tried the school master pouring two of milk over his a little of everything first he wrote a novel it had an immense circulation and he only lost on it all of his friends by ic took a copy got one that he gave me and i believe two hundred newspapers were fortunate enough to secure the book for review his father bought two and tried to obtain the balance of the edition but didn t have enough money that was gratifying but gratification is more apt to than to strengthen a bank account i had not expected so wise an observation from one so unusually unwise said the school master coldly thank you returned the idiot but i think your remark is rather contradictory you would naturally expect wise observations from the unusually unwise that is if your teaching that the expression unusually unwise is but another form of the expression usually wise is correct but as i was saying when the genial of youth interrupted me with his flattery continued the idiot gratification is gratifying but not filling so my friend concluded that he had better give up novel writing and try jokes he kept at that a year and managed to clear his his jokes were good but too classic for the tastes of the are peculiar they by ic have no respect for age particularly in the matter of some of my friend s jokes had seemed good enough for to print when he had a at his mercy but they didn t seem to suit the high and mighty of this age who sit in judgment on such things | 27 |
in the comic paper offices so he gave up jokes does he still know you asked the landlady yes madame observed the idiot then he hasn t given up all jokes she retorted with fine scorn tee he laughed the school master pretty good mrs pretty good yes said the idiot that is good and by jove it from your butter mrs because it s entirely fresh it s good enough to print and i don t think the butter is what did your friend do next asked mr he was employed by a funeral in philadelphia to write verses for memorial cards and was he successful by ic for a time but he lost his position because of an error made by a careless in a marble yard he bad written here lies the hero of a hundred fights he a perfect man he fought for country and his country s rights and in the battles led the van in sentiment and in execution observed mr truly so returned the idiot but when the in the marble yard got it engraved on the monument my friend was away and when the army post that was to pay the bill received the monument the read here lies the hero of a hundred flights he a perfect one he fought his country and his country s rights and in the battles led the run awful ejaculated the minister dreadful i said the landlady forgetting to be sarcastic what happened asked the school master he was of course without a cent of pay and the company failed the next by ic week bo he make anything by for what they owed him mighty hard luck said the very but there was one bright side to the case observed the idiot he managed to sell both of the afterwards for five dollars he sold the original one to a religious weekly for a dollar and got four dollars for the other one from a comic paper then he wrote an anecdote about the whole thing for a sunday newspaper and got three dollars more out of it and what is your friend doing now asked the doctor oh he s making a of money now but no name yes he writes on salary returned the idiot he is writing now a recommendation of tooth powder in indian dialect why didn t he try writing an said the because replied the idiot the one aim of his life has been to be original and he couldn t reconcile that with poetry by ic at which remark the landlady stooped over and recovering the idiot s bill from under the table called the maid and requested her to hand it to the idiot he taking a from his pocket thanked the maid for the attention and rolling the slip into a thoughtfully stuck one end of it into the light under the coffee pot and lighting the with it walked from the room by ic ix i just been reading a book began the idiot i thought you looked rather pale said the school master yes returned the idiot cheerfully it made me feel pale it was about the pleasures of country life and when i contrasted rural as it was there depicted with life as we live it i felt as if my youth were being thrown away i still feel as if i were wasting my sweetness on the desert air why don t you move the if i were purely selfish i should do so at once but i am like my good friend mr a slave to duty i deem it my duty to stay here to keep the school master fully informed in the various branches of by ic knowledge which are day by day opened up many of which seem to be so far beyond the reach of one of his habits to assist mr in his against vice at this table and elsewhere to give the the benefit of my advice in regard to those precious little he no longer to make life worth the living for all of you to say nothing of mrs to keep up the high standard of this house by means of the hard earned i pay to her every monday morning every monday the school master every monday returned the idiot that is of course every monday that i pay the things one gets to eat in the country the air one breathes the utter freedom from restraint the thousand and more things one in the that are not here it is these that make my heart for the open weu it s au rot said the school master impatiently country life is ideal only in books books do not tell of running for trains through blinding writers by ic do not on the delights of waking on cold winter nights and finding your piano and parlor furniture afloat because of pipes with the like at twenty miles they are dumb on the of the ecstasy one feels when pushing a twenty pound l f lawn up and down a weed patch at the end of a wearisome hot summer s day they are silent don t get excited mr please interrupted the idiot i am not contemplating leaving you and mrs but i do pine for a little garden of my own where i could raise an occasional can of a of lamb about its by ic i dream sometimes of getting milk fresh from the pump instead of twenty four hours after it has been drawn as we do here in my it seems to me to be to have known a spring chicken in his infancy to have watched a hind quarter of lamb about its native heath before its muscles became and before up tops in were poured upon it in the hope of into the belief that spring lamb and lay | 27 |
before them what care i how hard it is to rise every morning before six in winter to out the so long as the night coming finds me seated in the genial glow of the gas log what man is he that would complain of having to out his cellar every week if on the other hand that cellar gains thereby a that keeps its floor soft and green an interior court from spring to spring causing the click of the lawn to be heard within its walls all through the still watches of the winter day i tell you sir it is the life to lead that of our rural brother i do not believe that in this whole vast city there is a cellar like that an by ic i fe a little garden of my own where i could raise an occasional can of by ic by ic in door garden patch as it were do you happen to recall one returned the doctor and it is a good thing there isn t there is enough sickness in the world without bringing any of your ru ideas in i e lived in the country sir and i assure you it is not what thb click ov thb lawn m it is written up to be country life is ery melancholy and you must have struck a profitable section doctor returned the idiot taking possession of three steaming by ic cakes to the dismay of mr who was about to reach ont for them himself and i should have supposed that your good business sense would have restrained you from leaving then the is poor always poor continued the doctor the s sarcastic comments ah that accounts for it observed the idiot i see why you did not stay for what shall it profit a man to save a patient if practice like virtue is to be its own reward your suggestion sir retorted the doctor an frame of mind that s all right doctor returned the idiot but please do not the case any further i can t afford an expert opinion as to my mental condition but to return to our subject you two gentlemen appear to have had unhappy in country life quite different from those of a friend of mine who owns a farm he doesn t have to run for trains he is independent of because the only pipes in his house are for smoking purposes the farm produces com enough to keep his family sup by ic plied all the year round and to sell a balance at a profit and wheat are to an which keeps the cattle and declares besides he never suffers from the cold or heat he is never afraid of losing his house or by fire because the whole fire department of the neighboring village is to a man in with the housekeeper s daughter and is always on hand in force the chickens are the envy and pride of the county and there are so many of them that they have to take turns in going to the pigs are the most intelligent of their kind and are so happy they never in fact everything is lovely and cheap the only thing that hangs high being the goose quite an ideal no doubt put in the school master scornfully i suppose his is one of those model farms with under the walks to melt the snow in winter and of course there is a vein of coal growing right up into his furnace ready to be ut yes observed the and no doubt the chickens lay eggs in every style scrambled and boiled by ic the weeds in the garden grow so f i suppose that they pull up by the roots and if there is anything left undone at the end of the day i presume in dress suits and in manner spring out of the ground and finish up for him without charge ni bet he s not on good terms with his neighbors if he has everything you speak of in such perfection these farmers get jealous of each other asserted the doctor with a that seemed to be bom of experience he never quarrelled with one of them in his life returned the idiot he doesn t know them well enough to quarrel with them in fact i doubt if he ever sees them at all he s very exclusive of course he is a bom farmer to get the way he has it suggested mrs no he isn t he s a said the idiot and a very successful one i see him on the street every day does he employ a man to run the farm asked the clergyman no returned the idiot he has too by ic much sense and too few dollars to do any such foolish thing as that it must be one of those self winding stock put in the school master scornfully but i don t see how he can be a successful and make money off his farm at the same time your statements do not agree either you said he never had to run for trains well he never has returned the idiot calmly he never goes near his farm he doesn t have to it s to the husband of the house keeper whose daughter has a crush on the fire department he takes his pay in produce and gets more than if he took it in cash on the basis of the new york vegetable market then you have got us into an argument about country life that ends began the school master indignantly that ends where it leaves off retorted the idiot departing with a smile on his lips he s an idiot from asserted the yes but i m afraid is observed the doctor with a grin and glance at the | 27 |
school master by ic good morning gentlemen said the idiot as he seated himself at the and glanced over his mail good yourself returned the poet you have an unusually large number of letters this morning all i hope yes the idiot all of one kind or another mostly on otherwise from my friends the you don t mean to say that you write for the papers put in the school master with an incredulous smile i try to returned the idiot meekly if the papers don t take em i find them useful in my genial friend who of what do you write the by ic no advertisement writing is an art to which i dare not it s too great a tax on the brain replied the idiot tax on what asked the doctor he was going to the idiot the brain returned the latter not ready to be it s a little thing people use to think with doctor i d advise you to get one then he added i write poems and foreign letters mostly i did not know that you had ever been abroad said the clergyman i never have returned the idiot then how may i ask said mr white tou d h t to sat that tou by ic severely how can you write foreign letters with my pen of course replied the idiot how did yon with an knife the clergyman sighed i should like to hear some of poems said the poet very well returned the idiot here s one that has just returned from the monthly it s about a writer who died some years ago shakespeare s his name you ve heard of shakespeare haven t you mr he added then as there was no answer he read the verse which was as follows settled yes i shakespeare wrote the plays tis clear to me lord bacon s claim s condemned before the bar he d not have what fools these mortals but more correct what fools these mortals are that s not bad said the poet thanks returned the idiot i wish you were an editor i wrote that last spring a i by ic and it has been coming back to me at the rate of once a week ever since it is too short said the it s an said the idiot how many yards long do you think should be the scorned to reply i agree with the said the school master it is too short people want greater quantity well here is quantity for you said the idiot quantity as she is not wanted by nine comic papers i of this poem is called the turning of the worm how hard my fate perhaps gather in my dearest reader when i tell you that i entered into this fair world a twin the one was spare enough the other fat i was of course the lean one of the two the as well and consequently in ecstasy o er jim my parents flew and good of me was spoken as boys we went to school and jim of course was e er his teacher s favorite and among the lads renowned for moral force whilst i was every day right soundly by ic jim had an angel face but there lie stopped i never knew a lad who d sin so oft and look so like a branch of heaven from off the parent trunk that grows aloft i seemed an indeed twas often said that i much h face was and my hair was red the kind of looking boy that men call kind deeds however were my constant thought in everything i did the best i could i said my prayers thrice daily and i sought in all my ways to do the right and good on i d do my monday s sums while jim would spend the day in search of fun he d away and steal the neighbor s and strange to say to earth was never run whilst i when study time was through would seek my brother in the neighbor s orchard would find the neighbor there with anger blue and as the would be tortured the sums i d done he d steal this lad forsaken then change my work so that a paltry four would be my mark whilst he had overtaken the and all the bore by ic in later years we loved the self same maid we sent her little presents sweets for which alas twas i that always paid and jim the maid now honors and we entered in different and for a minor office each did run twas i was left left badly at the because of things that jim had done when jim went into business and failed i signed his notes and freed him from the strife which and ruin hath on them that lead a queer financial life then i learned that jim had set aside before his failure hard to tell a half a million dollars on his pet his mrs jim the former lovely that wearied me of jim it may be right for one to bear another s cross but i quite fail to see it in its proper light if that s the rule man should be guided by and since a fate perverse has had the wit to mix us up so that the one s deserts upon the shoulders of the other sit no matter how the other one it hurts by ic i am resolved to take some mortal s life just when or where or how i do not so long as law will end this horrid strife and twist my dear twin brother s sinful neck there said the idiot down the how s that i don t like it said mr it is and you | 27 |
should accept the hardships of life no matter how unjust the conclusion of your poem me sir i have you tried your hand at dialect poetry asked the doctor yes once said the idiot i sent it to the great western weekly oh yes here it is sent hack with thanks it s an written in cigar dialect in wh a at asked the poet cigar dialect here it is especial h clay invincible el victoria you drive all my sorrows away by ic ingenious but vicious said the school master who does not smoke again thanks how is this for a said the idiot when to the of sweet silent thought i summon up remembrance of things past i sigh the lack of many a thing i sought and with old woes new wail my dear time s waste then can i drown an eye unused to flow for precious friends hid in death s night and weep afresh love s long since d woe and moan the expense of many a vanish d sight then can i grieve at and heavily from woe to woe tell o er the sad account of fore moan which i now pay as if not paid before but if the while i think of thee dear friend all losses are restored and sorrows end it is said the school master the poet smiled quietly perfect i repeated the school master and only shows how in weak hands so beautiful aching as the can be made ridiculous what s wrong with it asked the idiot it doesn t contain any thought or if it by ic does no one can tell what the thought is your are your is ridiculous the whole thing is had you ll never get anybody to print it i do not intend to try said the idiot meekly you are wise said the school master to take my advice for once no it is not your advice that me said the idiot it is the fact that this has already been printed in the name of letters where cried the school master in the collected works of william shakespeare replied the idiot quietly the poet laughed mrs s eyes filled with tears and the school master for once had absolutely nothing to say by ic xi do you believe mr said the idiot taking his place at the table and holding his plate up to the light apparently to see whether or not it was the landlady do you believe that the love of money is the root of all evil i have always been of that impression returned mr pleasantly in fact i am sure of it he added there is no evil thing in this world sir that cannot be traced back to a point where is found to be its main spring and the source of its strength then how do you reconcile this with the story of the forbidden fruit do you think the apples referred to were figures of speech the true import of which was that adam and eve had their eyes on the original by ic well of course there you begin to ah you seem to me to be going back to the er the ah original root of all evil prompted the idiot calmly precisely returned mr with a sigh of relief mrs i think fu have a dash of hot water in my coffee this morning then with a nervous glance towards the idiot he added addressing the i think it looks like rain referring to the coffee mr the idiot not disposed to let go of his victim quite so easily ah i don t quite follow you replied the minister with some annoyance you said something looked like rain and i asked you if the thing you referred to was the coffee for i was disposed to agree with you said the idiot i am sure put in mrs that a gentleman of mr s refinement would not make any such sir he is not the man to quarrel with what is set before him i ask your pardon madame returned by ic the idiot politely i hope that i am not the man to quarrel with my food either indeed i make it a to avoid of all sorts particularly with the weak under which we find your i simply wish to know to what mr when he says it looks like rain i mean of course said the minister with as much calmness as he could command and that was not much i mean the day the day looks as if it might be rainy any one with a of brain knows what you meant mr volunteered the school master certainly observed the idiot the butter from his toast but to those who have more than a of brains my reverend friend s remark was not entirely clear if i am talking of cotton and a gentleman chooses to state that it looks like snow i know exactly what he means he doesn t mean that the day looks like snow however he to the cotton mr talking about coffee chooses to state that it looks like rain by ic which it undoubtedly does i that as mrs says it is not the gentleman s habit to attack too violently the food which is set before him manifest some surprise and giving the gentleman the benefit of the doubt afford him an opportunity to set himself change the subject said the with pleasure answered the idiot filling his glass with cream we ll change the subject or the object or anything you choose well have another breakfast or another variety of anything in short to keep peace at the table tell me mr he added is the use of the word it in the sentence it looks like rain perfectly | 27 |
correct i don t know why it is not returned the school master uneasily he was not at all desirous of with the idiot and is it correct to suppose that it to the day is the day supposed to look like rain or do we simply use it to express a condition which us it to the latter of course then the full text of mr s by ic remark is i suppose that the rainy condition of the atmosphere which ns looks like rain oh i suppose so sighed the school master wearily an unnecessary sort of statement that continued the idiot it s something like asserting that a man looks like himself or as in the case of a child s see the cat yes i see the cat what is the cat the cat is a cat cat at this even mrs smiled i don t agree with mr put in the after a pause here the school master shook his head at the as if to indicate that he was not in good form so i observe remarked the idiot you have upset him completely see how mr he added addressing the genial gentleman who occasionally i don t mean that way sneered the bound to set mr by ic i mean that the word it as employed in that sentence stands for day the day looks like rain did you ever see a day the idiot certainly i have returned the what does it look like was the calmly put question the s impatience was here almost too great for safety and the manner in which his face colored aroused considerable interest in the breast of the doctor who was a good deal of a in was it a whole day you saw or only a half day persisted the idiot you may think you are very funny retorted the i think you now don t get angry returned the idiot there are two or three things i do not know and i am anxious to learn i d like to know how a day looks to one to whom it is a visible object if it is visible is it and if so how does it feel i never felt a day myself by ic the visible is always asserted the school master how about a red hot stove or manifest indignation or a view from a or as in the case of the young man in the novel who suddenly and looking anxiously about him saw no one returned the idiot tut ejaculated the if i had brains like yours i d blow them out yes i think you would observed the idiot folding up his you re just the man to do a thing like that i believe you d blow out the gas in your bedroom if there wasn t a sign over it you not to and filling his match box from the landlady s mantel supply the idiot hurried from the room and soon after left the house by ic xii if my father met with the idiot began did you really have a father interrupted the school master i thought you were one of these self made how terrible it must be for a man to think that he is responsible for you yes rejoined the idiot my father finds it rather hard to stand up under his responsibility for me but he is a brave old gentleman and he to bear the burden very well with the aid of my mother f or i have a mother too mr a womanly mother she is too with all the natural follies such as fondness for and belief in her boy why it would soften your heart to see how she looks on me she thinks i am the most brilliant man she ever excepting father of course who has by ic always been a hero of heroes in her eyes because he never rails at misfortune never spoke an unkind word to her in his life and just lives gently along waiting for the end of all things do you think it is right in you to deceive your mother in this way making her think you a young napoleon of intellect when you know you are an idiot observed the with a twinkle in his eye why certainly i do returned the idiot calmly it s my place to make the old folks happy if i can and if thinking me nineteen different kinds of a genius is going to fill my mother s heart with happiness i m going to let her think it what s the use of destroying other people s even if we do know them to be hollow do you think you do a act for instance when you kick over the heathen s stone gods and leave him without any at all you may not have noticed it but i have that it is easier to pull down an idol than it is to rear an ideal i have had shattered myself and i haven t found that the they used to occupy have been since they are there yet and by ic ty as monuments to what once seemed good to me and i m no happier nor no better for being so it is with my mother i let her go on and think me perfect it does her good and it does me good because it makes me try to live up to that idea of hers as to what i am if she had the same opinion of me that we all have she d be the most miserable woman in the world we don t all think so badly of you said the doctor rather softened by the idiot s remarks no put in the you are all right you breathe and you have nice blue | 27 |
eyes you are graceful and pleasant to look upon and if you d been bom dumb we d esteem you very highly it is only your manners and your theories that we don t like but even in these we are disposed to believe that you are a well meaning child that is precisely the way to put it assented the school master you are harmless even when most for my own part i think the most objectionable feature about you is that you suffer from that un by ic fortunately not uncommon malady extreme youth you are young for your age and if you only wouldn t talk i think we should get on together you me with your compliments said the idiot i am sorry i am so young but i cannot be brought to believe that that is my own fault one must live to attain age and how the deuce can one live when one boards as no one ventured to reply to this question the force of which very evidently however was fully appreciated by mrs the idiot continued youth is thrust upon us in our infancy and must be endured until such a time as fate us to account ourselves cured it down upon us when we have neither the strength nor the brains to resent it of there are some superior persons in this world who never were young mr i doubt not was ushered into this world with all three sets of teeth cut and not wailing as most are but discussing the most philosophical problems his fairy stories were told him if ever in of ten and his fa by ic ther s first remark to him was doubtless an inquiry as to his opinion on the subject of latin and greek in our it s all right to be this kind of a baby if you like that sort of thing for my part i rejoice to think that there was once a day when i thought my father a mean spirited because he wouldn t tie a string to the moon and let me make it rise and set as suited my sweet will babies of mr s sort are fortunately like angels visits few and far between in spite of his stand in the matter though i can t help thinking there was a great deal of truth in a rhyme a friend of mine got off on youth it fits the case he said youth is a state of being we attain in early years to some tis but a crime and like the most men complain it can t be caught alas a second time your are interesting and your reasoning as usual is said the school master i passed a very pleasant childhood though it was a childhood devoted as you have to serious rather than to pursuits i wasn t particularly by ic fond of and hide and seek nor do i think that even as an infant i ever cried for the moon it have expanded your chest if you had mr observed the idiot quietly so it would but i never found myself short sir retorted the school master with some that is evident but go on said the idiot you never passed a childish youth nor a youthful childhood and therefore what therefore in my present condition i am contented i have no youthful follies to look back upon no to regret i never told a lie and all of which proves that you never were young put in the idiot and you will excuse me if i say it but my father is the model for me rather than so exalted a personage as yourself he is still young though turned seventy and i don t believe on his own account there ever was a boy who played more who oftener who others fruits with greater than he he was guilty of every by ic crime in the of youth and if there is one thing that delights him more than another it is to sit on a winter s night the log and tell ns his youthful follies and his boyhood but is he a happy man the school master no ah no he s an happy man because he s got his follies and to look back upon and not forward to said mrs dear me ejaculated mr mr said nothing and the breakfast room was soon by ic xiii was an air of excitement about mrs and mr as they sat down to breakfast something had happened but just what that something was no one as yet knew although the genial old gentleman had a sort of notion as to what it was has been good natured enough for an engaged man for nearly a week now he whispered to the idiot who had asked him what he supposed was up and i have a half idea that mrs s has at last brought him to the point of proposing it s the other way i imagine returned the idiot you don t really think she has rejected him do you the genial old gentleman oh no not by a great deal i mean by ic that i think it very likely that he has brought her to the point this is leap year you know said the idiot well if i were a man which i haven t been since night before last i d lay you a that they re engaged said the old gentleman i m glad you ve given up rejoined the idiot because i m sure i d take the bet if you it and then i believe i d lose we are to have philadelphia spring chickens this morning gentlemen said mrs beaming upon all at the table it s a special treat which we all appreciate my dear mrs observed the idiot with a courteous bow to | 27 |
mr he said as soon as he could speak you are just dead right about that s the place of places for me salary and nothing to do oh how rd love it i the rest of the breakfast was eaten in silence the spring chickens were too good and too plentiful to admit of much waste of time in conversation at the conclusion of the meal the idiot rose from the table and after again mr and his e announced that he was going to see his employer on sunday mrs yes i want him to write me a recommendation as a man who can do nothing beautifully and why pray asked mr i m going to apply to the of college the first thing to morrow morning for an for if anybody can do nothing and draw money for it gracefully i m the man wall street by ic is too wearing on my nerves and i m going to leave it he replied and in a moment he was gone i like him said mrs so do i said mr he isn t half the idiot he thinks he is by ic by ic the idiot by ic by ic to william k by ic by ic the idiot some weeks after the happy event which transformed the popular mrs into the charming mrs john all went well at that lady s select home for single gentlemen it was only proper that during the honey moon at least of the happy couple between the idiot and his fellow should cease it was expecting too much of mankind however to look for a continued and the morning arrived when nature once more herself and trouble began just what it was that prompted the remark no one knows but it happened that the idiot did say that he thought that after all life on a canal boat had its advantages mr who had come into the dining room in a slightly irritable frame of mind induced perhaps by mr by ic s that as he was now part proprietor of the house he should be a little more prompt in making his towards its maintenance chose to take the remark as a reflection upon the way things were managed in the household i he said i had hoped that your habit of your views had been put aside for once and for all very absurd hope my dear sir observed the idiot views that are not become why shouldn t i give them an opportunity once in a while because they are the sort of views to which is the most appropriate end snapped the school master any man who as you have asserted that life on a canal boat has its advantages ought to go further and prove his sincerity by living on one i can t afford it said the idiot meekly it isn t cheap by any manner of means in the first place you can t live happily on a canal boat unless you can afford to keep horses in fact canal boat life is a combination of the most expensive luxuries since it and driving with nevertheless if you will put your by ic mind on it you will find that with a for your home you can do a great many things that you can t do with a house i decline to put my mind on a said mr sharply passing his coffee back to mrs for another lump of sugar thereby to that good lady s discomfiture since before their marriage the mere fact that the had been poured by her fair hand had given it all the sweetness it needed or at least that was what the school master had said and more than once at that tou are under no obligation to do so the idiot returned though if i had a mind like yours put it on a canal boat and have it away somewhere out of sight these other gentlemen however i think will agree with me when i say that the mere fact that a canal boat can be moved about the country and is in no sense a anywhere shows that as a dwelling place it is superior to a house take this house for instance this neighborhood used to be the best in town it is still far from being the worst neighborhood in town but it is as it has been for several years the establishment of a bath on one comer and a by ic store on the other has taken away of that air of refinement which it when the block was devoted to purposes entirely now just suppose for a moment that this street were a canal and that this house were a canal boat the canal could run down as much as it pleased the neighborhood could but it could not affect the value of this house as the home of refined people as long as it was possible to up a team of horses to the front stoop and tow it into a better locality i d like to every man at this table that mrs wouldn t take five minutes to make up her mind to tow this house up to a spot near central park if it were a canal boat and the streets were water instead of a mixture of water sand and blocks no said the ejaculated mr you seem to lose sight of another fact said the idiot warming up to his subject if man had had the sense in the beginning to adopt the canal boat system of life and we were used to that sort of thing it would not be so hard upon us in summer time when we have to live in hotels in order that we and our families may reap the benefits of a period by ic the nuisance of to pat by ic by ic in | 27 |
of country life we could simply drive off to that section of the country where we desired to be hotels would not be needed if a man could take his house along with him into the fields and one phase of life which has more bad than good in it would be entirely there is nothing more disturbing to the serenity of a domestic man s mind than the artificial manner of living that in most summer hotels the nuisance of having to pay bills every monday morning under the penalty of losing one s luggage would be and all the comforts of home would be directly within reach the trouble incident upon getting the trunks packed and the children ready for a long day s journey by rail and the fatigue arising from such a journey would be reduced to a the troubles attendant upon going into a far country and leaving one s house in the sole charge of a lot of servants for a month or two every year would be done away with entirely and if at any time it became necessary to discharge one of these servants she could be put off the boat in an instant and then the boat could be pushed out into the middle of the canal so that the discharged domestic could not possibly get by ic aboard again and take her revenge by your and that is one of the worst features of living in a stationary house you are entirely at the mercy of servants they know precisely where you live and you cannot escape them they can come back when there is no man around and raise several varieties of ned with your wife and children with a house such as the canal boat would be you could always go off and leave your family in perfect safety how about safety in a storm asked the safety in a storm echoed the idiot that seems an absurd sort of a question to one who knows anything about canal boats i for one never heard of a canal boat being seriously in a storm as long as it was in the canal proper it certainly isn t any more dangerous to be in a in a storm than it is to be in a house that offers resistance to the winds and is shaken from roof to cellar at every blast more houses have been blown from their foundations than canal boats sunk provided ordinary care has been taken to protect them by ic by ic by ic and you the canal boat would be healthy asked the doctor how about and all that that is a professional question returned the idiot which i think you could answer better than i i don t see why a canal boat shouldn t be healthy however the would not amount to very much it would be outside of one s dwelling and not within it as is the case with so many houses a canal boat having no cellar could not have a damp one and if by some circumstance it should spring a the water could be out at once and the up however this might be i ll another to this board on that point and that is that more people die in houses than on we d rather give you our money right out retorted the doctor thank you said the idiot but i don t need money i don t like money money is responsible for more extravagance than any other in existence besides it and i are not intimate enough to get along very well together and when i have any i immediately do my level best to rid myself of it but to return to our canal boat i by ic note a look of in mr s eyes he doesn t seem to think any more of my scheme than do the rest of which i regret since i believe that he would be the if land were by the canal system as proposed by myself take church on a rainy morning for instance a great many people stay at home from church on rainy mornings just because they do not want to venture out in the wet suppose we all lived in canal boats would not people be deprived of this pretext for staying at home if their homes could be up to the church door or better yet that the churches followed out the same plan and were themselves constructed like canal boats how easy it would be for the to drive the church around the town and collect the in the same manner it would be glorious for men like ourselves who have to go to their daily toil for a consideration mrs could have us driven to our various places of business every morning returning for us in the evening think how fine it would be for me for instance instead of having to come home every night in an elevated train or on a cable car to have the office boy come and by ic announce mrs s select home for gentlemen is at the door mr idiot i could step right out of my office into my charming little bedroom up in the bow and the time usually expended on the cars could be devoted to dressing for tea then we could stop in at the court house for our legal friend and as for doctor wouldn t he in driving this boarding house about town on his daily rounds among his what would become of my office hours asked the doctor if this house were whirling all about the city from morning until night i don t know what would become of my office they might die a little sooner or live a little longer that is all said the idiot if they weren t able to find the house at all however i think it | 27 |
would be better for us for much as i admire you doctor i think your office hours are a nuisance to the rest of us i had to elbow my way out of the house this morning between a double line of from and and other afflicted of yours and i didn t like it very much i don t believe they liked it much either returned the doctor one man with a by ic ankle told me about you yoa him in well yon can to him in my behalf returned the idiot but you might add that he must expect very much the same treatment whenever he and a boy with between me and the door ankles aren t and i preferred him to the other alternative the doctor was silent and the idiot rose to go where will the house be this evening about six thirty mrs he asked as he pushed his chair back from the table where why here of course returned the landlady why yes of course observed the idiot with an impatient gesture how foolish of me i ve really been so wrapped up in my canal boat ideal that i came to believe that it might possibly be real and not a dream after all i almost believed that perhaps i should find that the house had been somewhere up into county on my return so that we might all escape the city s tax on personal property which i am told is unusually high this year with which sally the idiot kissed his band to mr and retired from the scene by ic s write a book the idiot as he took his place at the board and unfolded his what about asked the doctor with a smile at the idea of the idiot s thinking of on literary pursuits about four hundred pages long said the idiot i feel inspired you are inspired said the school master in your way you are a genius i really never heard of such a idiot as you are in all my experience and that means a great deal i can tell you for in the course of my career as an of youth i have encountered many were they before or after having drank at the of your learning asked the idiot placidly mr glared and the idiot was apparently satisfied to make mr by ic glare appeared to be one of the of his you will kindly remember mr idiot said mrs at this point that mr is my husband and such at my table are distinctly out of place i ask your pardon mrs rejoined the meekly nevertheless as apart from the question in hand as to whether mr or not i should like to get the views of this gathering on the point you make regarding the table is this your table is it not rather the table of those who sit about it to their inner man with the good things under which i remember once or twice in my life to have heard it groan to my mind the latter is the truth it is our table because we buy it and i am forced to believe that some of us pay for it i am prepared to admit that if mr brief for instance is in his weekly his interest in the table to you until he shall have and he is not privileged to say a word that you do not approve of but i for instance who since january ist have been compelled to pay in advance am at least sole and for the time being proprietor of the portion for by ic which i have paid you have sold it to me i have entered into possession and while in possession as a matter of right and not on haven t i the privilege of freedom of speech you certainly exercise the privilege whether you have it or not snapped mr well i believe in exercise said the idiot exercise brings strength and if the privilege is going to strengthen it exercise it i shall if i have to hire a for the purpose but to return to mrs s remark it brings up another question that has more or less interested me because mrs married mr do we lose all of our rights in mr before the happy event that reduced our number from ten to nine we are still ten are we not asked mr counting the guests not if mr and the late mrs have become one said the idiot but as i was saying before the happy event that reduced our number from ten to nine we were permitted to address our friend in any terms we saw fit and whenever he became sufficiently interested to in by ic in we were privileged to re turn it have we that privilege i don t remember to have done so it s a question worthy of your giant intellect said mr scornfully for myself i do not at all object to anything you may choose to say to me or of me your are to me as water is to a duck s back i am sorry said the idiot i hate family and here we have mrs taking one side and mr the other but whatever decision may ultimately be reached of one thing mrs must be assured i on principle side against mr and if it be the wish of my good landlady that i shall refrain from playing intellectual and with her husband whom we all i certainly shall refrain hereafter if i indulge in anything that in any sense with our landlord i wish it distinctly understood that an apology goes with it that s all right my boy said the school master you mean well you are a little new that s all and we all understand you i don t understand him growled | 27 |
the by ic doctor still under the recollection of former breakfast table i wish we could get him translated if you prescribed for me once or twice i think it likely i should be translated in short order retorted the idiot i wonder how i d go translated into french you couldn t be expressed in french put in the lawyer it would take some tongue to do you justice very well said the idiot proceed do me justice i can t begin to said mr brief angrily that s what i thought said the idiot that s the reason why you always do me such great injustice you lawyers always have to be doing something even if it is only holding down a chair so that it won t blow out of your office window if you haven t any justice to out you take another tack and dispense injustice with lavish hand however i ll forgive you if you ll tell me one thing what s mr brief none of your business growled the lawyer a very good general definition said the idiot if there s any business in the world that i should hate to have by ic known as mine it is that of i your definition is not definite what i wanted to know was just how far i could go with remarks at this table and be safe from nobody would ever you for two reasons said the lawyer in a civil action for money a verdict against you for ten cents wouldn t be worth a rap because the chances are you t pay in a criminal action your conviction would be a bad thing because you would be likely to prove a influence in any jail in creation besides you d be safe before a jury anyhow you are just the sort of idiot that the intelligent of to day admire and they d you of any crime a man has a right to a trial at the hands of a jury of his i don t think even in a jury box twelve equal to yourself could be found so don t worry thanks have a said the idiot tossing one over to the lawyer it s all i have if i had a half dollar i should pay you for your opinion but since i haven t i offer you my all the temperature of my coffee seems to have fallen mrs will you kindly let me have another cup by ic certainly said mrs get the idiot another cup mary did as she was told placing the empty bit of china at mrs s side it is for the idiot mary said mrs coldly take it to him empty ma am asked the maid certainly mary said the idiot perceiving mrs s point i asked for another cup not for more mrs smiled quietly at her own joke at hair she could give the idiot points i am surprised that mary should have thought i wanted more coffee continued the idiot in an tone it shows that she too thinks me out of my mind you are not out of your mind said the it would be a good thing if you were in your mental supply you might have the luck to get better quality i probably should have the luck said the idiot i have had a great store of it in my life from the very start i have had luck when i think that i was bom myself and not you i feel as if i had had more than my share of good fortune more luck than the by ic law allows how much lack does the law allow mr brief said mr brief with a scornful wave of his hand as if he were himself of a troublesome don t bother me with such mind withering questions all right said the idiot i ll ask you an easier one why does not the world recognize matrimony mr started here indeed was a novel proposition i i must confess said he that of all the questions i er i have ever had the honor of hearing asked that takes cake suggested the idiot palm said mr severely well perhaps so said the idiot but matrimony is the science or the art or whatever you call it of making two people one is it not it certainly is said mr but what of it the world does not recognize the unity said the idiot take our good for instance they were made one by yourself mr i had the pleasure of being an at the ceremony yielding the by ic position of best man gracefully as is my wont to the he was best man but not the better man by a simple process of reasoning now no one at this board that mr and mrs are one but how about the world mr takes mrs to a concert are they one there why not t asked mr brief that s what i want to know why not the world as represented by the ticket at the door says they are not or that they are not by demanding tickets for two they attempt to travel out to falls the railroad people charge them two the charges them two the hotel bills are made out for two people it is the same wherever they go in the world and i regret to say that even in our own home there is a disposition to regard them as two when i spoke of there being nine persons here instead of ten mr himself disputed my point and yet it was not so much his fault as the fault of mr and mrs themselves mrs seems to cast doubt upon the unity by providing two separate chairs for the two that make up the charming two by ic | 27 |
cups are provided for their coffee two forks two knives two two portions of all the of the season which are upon us out of season generally after it fall to their lot they do not object to being called a happy when they should be known as a happy single now what i want to know is why the world does not accept the which has been pronounced by the church and is recognized by the individual can any one here tell me that no one could apparently at least no one endeavored to the idiot looked at all and then receiving no reply to his question he rose from the table i think he said as he started to leave the room i think we ought to write that book if we made it up of the things you people don t know it would be one of the greatest books of the century at any rate it would be great enough in bulk to fill the biggest library in america by ic m i wish i were beginning life all over again said the idiot one spring mornings as he took his accustomed place at mrs s table i wish you were said mr from behind his newspaper then your parents would have you shut up in a nursery and it is even conceivable that you would be receiving those attentions with a that you seem to me so frequently to deserve were you at this present moment in the nursery stage of your development my ejaculated the idiot what a wonder you are mr it is a good thing you are not a justice in a criminal court and what may i venture to ask said mr glancing at the idiot over his spectacles what has given rise to that extraordinary remark the connection of which by ic with anything that has been said or done this morning is distinctly not apparent i only meant that a man who was so given over to long sentences as you are would probably make too severe a judge in a criminal court replied the idiot meekly do you make use of the same in the class room that you us with i should like to know and why not pray said mr no special reason said the idiot only it does seem to me that an of youth ought to be more careful in his choice of than you appear to be of course doctor here is under no obligation to speak more or correctly than he does people call him in to not to indulge in periods and he can write his in a sort of latin and nobody be the wiser but you who are said to be the seeds of knowledge in the brain of youth should be more careful hear the talk returned mr listen to this samuel johnson the second what have i said that so the taste of nothing returned the idiot i by ic not say that you have said anything i never heard you say anything in my life but while you can no doubt find good authority for making use of the words distinctly not apparent you ought not to throw such phrases around carelessly the thing which is distinct is apparent therefore to say distinctly not apparent to a mind that is not given to analysis sounds strange you might as well say of a beautiful girl that she is plainly pretty meaning of course that she is evidently pretty but those who are with the peculiarities of your speech might ask you if you meant that she was pretty in a plain sort of way suppose too you were writing a novel and in a desire to give your reader a fair idea of the personal appearance of a homely but good creature you should say it cannot be denied that was pretty plain it wouldn t take a very grave error of the types to change your entire meaning to save a line on a page for instance it might become necessary to a single word and if that word should chance to be the word plain in the sentence i have given your homely but good person would be set down as being pretty which shows by ic it seems to me that too great cannot be exercised in the making of from our yon are the worst i ever knew i snapped mr which only proves observed the idiot that you have not the that you should know are those cakes or whether the question was heard or not is not known it certainly was not answered and silence reigned for a few minutes finally mrs spoke and in the manner of one who was somewhat embarrassed i am in an embarrassing position said she said the idiot to the genial gentleman who occasionally there is hope for the landlady yet if she can be embarrassed she is still human a condition i was beginning to think she not of she what f the genial gentleman not quite catching the idiot s words never mind returned the idiot let s hear how she ever came to be embarrassed i have had an application for my first by ic floor and i don t know whether i ought to accept it or not said the landlady she has a conscience too whispered the idiot and then he added aloud and wherein lies the difficulty mrs the is an actor is his name a or a asked the or first walking gentleman who knows every railroad tie in the country put in the idiot that i do not know returned the landlady his name sounds familiar enough though i thought perhaps some of you gentlemen might know of him i have heard of observed the doctor slightly at his own humor and i ve heard of but is a combination | 27 |
with which i am not familiar well i can t see why it should make any difference whether the man is a or a or a familiar figure to railroad men said mr firmly in any event he would be an extremely it makes a great deal of difference said the idiot i ve met and i ve met by ic s and met new york central and i can yon they each represent a distinct type the as a are meek with soft low voices in private life they are more timid than otherwise though essentially amiable i knew a once who after killing seventeen indians a road agent and a gross of between eight and ten p k every night for sixteen weeks working six nights a week was afraid of a mild little oft shell that lay on a plate before him on the evening of the seventh night of the last week make agreeable companions i can tell you and if j is a i think mrs would do well to let him have the provided of course that he pays for it in advance i was about to observe when our friend interrupted me said mr with dignity that in any event an actor at this board would be to me an extremely now the resumed the idiot mr s remark the are very different they are twice as as the of the drama and worse than that they are given to re by ic given to at all hours by ic by ic at all of the day and night a is a hard character only on the stage bat the is the always if we had one of those fellows in oar midst it would not be very long before we became part of the drama mrs find herself embarrassed once an instead of as at present once a century mr would hear of himself as appeared by in a roaring farce before our had been with as two months the wise sayings of our friend the school master would be spoken nightly from the stage to the delight of the gallery gods and to the of the circle who would wonder how so much information could have got into the world and they not know it before the out of town papers would literally with witty from our s plays which we should immediately recognize as the of my poor self all of which put in mr but proves the truth of my assertion that such a person would be an extremely then as i said before continued the idiot he is continually and his as a fellow would by ic s be greater or less according to his play if he were a wanderer who shows remarkable bravery at a hotel fire we should have to be prepared at any time to hear the fire engines rushing up to the front door and to see oar the fire escape with mrs and her account books in his arms simply in the line of if he were a after a criminal as a good citizen the school master would be startled some night by a hoarse voice at his key hole exclaiming ha ha i i have him dow there is no escape save by the back window and that s so covered o er with dust sure to try it i hesitate to say what would happen if he were a perhaps said mr with a trifle more impatience than was with his calling perhaps you will hesitate long enough for me to state what i have been trying to state ever since this of yours began that in any event whether this person be a or a or a walking gentleman or a riding gentleman in a i object to his being admitted to this circle and i deem it well to say right by ic here that as he comes in at the front door i go ont at the back as a clergyman i do not approve of the stage that to settle it said the idiot mr is too good a friend to ns all here for us to compel him to go oat of that back door into the rather limited market garden mrs keeps in the yard my plea for the admission of mr was based entirely upon my desire to see this circle completed or nearer completion than it is at present we have all the professions represented here but the stage and why it that no one objects the men whose lives are given over to the amusement of mankind and who are willing to place themselves in the most outrageous situations night after night in order that we may for the time being seem to be lifted out of the unpleasant situations into which we have got ourselves are in my opinion doing a noble work the theatre us to forgetfulness of self successfully for a few brief hours and i have seen the time when an hour or two of relief from actual cares has resulted in great good nevertheless the gentleman is not elected and if u rs by ic will kindly my cap i will ask you to join me in a toast to the health of the of this flock whose conscience as it may seem is the most frequently worn and yet the least of the represented at this table this easy settlement of her difficulty was so pleasing to mrs that the idiot s request was graciously to and mr s health was drank in coffee after which the idiot requested the genial gentleman who occasionally to join him privately in eating cakes to the health of mr i haven t any doubt that he is worthy of the attention he said and if you will lend me the money to buy the tickets i ll take you | 27 |
around to the to night where he is playing i don t know whether he plays hamlet or a hole in the roof but at any rate we can have a good time between the acts by ic i the men are at work on the ments this said the school master gazing out through the window at a of at work in the street yes said the idiot calmly and i think mrs ought to sue the department of public works for if she hasn t a case no person ever had what are you saying sir the landlady innocently i say returned the idiot pointing out into the street that you ought to sue the department of public works for they ve got their sign right up against your house no fare is what it says that s isn t it mr brief it is certainly a fatal criticism of a boarding house observed mr brief with a twinkle in his eye but mrs could hardly secure on that score by ic i don t know about that returned the idiot as i understand it it is an old of the law that the greater the truth the greater the mrs ought to receive a million by the way what have we this morning we have and potatoes sir replied mrs and i desire to add that one who the table as much as you do would do well to get his meals outside that mrs is not the point the difficulty i find here lies in getting my meals inside said the idiot mary you may bring in the observed mrs her lips as she always did when she wished to show that she was offended yes mary put in the school master let us have the as quickly as possible and may it not be quite such as the remarks we have just been favored with by our friend the idiot you me with your compliments mr replied the idiot cheerfully a like you should live in a flat has your friend completed his article ou by ic old jokes yet the with a smile and some apparent yes and no said the idiot he has completed his labors on it by giving it np he is a very thorough sort of a fellow and he intended to make the article comprehensive but he found he couldn t because judging from comments of men like you for instance he was forced to conclude that there never was a new joke but as i was saying the other morning do you really remember what you say sneered mr you must have a great memory for trifles sir shall never forget you said the idiot but to to what i was saying the other morning i d like to begin life all over again so that i could prepare myself for the profession of architecture it s the greatest profession in the world and one which is to bring immortality to its successful a man may write a splendid book and become a great man for a while and within certain limits but the chances are that some other man will come along later and him then the book s sale will die out after a time and with this will come a of its author s by ic tion in extent anyway an actor or a great preacher becomes only a name after his death but the who a cathedral or a fine public building really a monument to his own memory he does if he can build it so that it will stay up said the i think you however are better off as you are k you had a more extended reputation or a lasting name you would probably be locked up in some retreat or f you were not posterity would want to know why i am locked up in a retreat of nature s making said the idiot with a sigh nature has set around me certain which while they are not material might as well be so as far as my ability to above them is concerned and it s well she has if it were otherwise my life would not be safe or in this company as it is i am happy and not at all afraid of the effects your jealousy of me might if i were any better than the rest of you i like that said mr i thought you would said the idiot that s why i said it i aim to please and for once seem to have hit the bull s eye mary kindly break open this for me by ic have you ideas on the subject of that you so desire to become an arch mr who was always full of sympathy for natures a few said the idiot mr laughed outright let s test his ideas he said in an amused way take a cathedral for instance suppose mr idiot a man should come to you and say idiot we have a fund of in our hands actual cash we think of building a cathedral and we think of you to draw up our plans give us some idea of what we should do do you mean to tell me that you could say anything reasonable or intelligent to that man well that depends upon what you call reasonable and intelligent i have never been able to find out what you mean by those terms the idiot answered slowly but i could tell him something that i consider reasonable and intelligent from your own point of view then as to and intelligence what should you say to him i d make him out a plan providing for the of his in five per by ic cent gold which would bring him in an income of a year after which i should call his attention to the fact that y | 27 |
a year would enable him to take poor children out of this city into the country to and drink fresh milk and eat wholesome food for two weeks every summer from now until the end of time which would build up a human structure that might be of more benefit to the world than any pile of bricks marble and wrought iron or any other could conceive of said the idiot the structure would stand up too you call that architecture do you said mr yes said the idiot of the order but that of course you term and maybe it is i like to be that kind of an idiot i do not claim to be able to build a cathedral however i don t suppose i could even build a boarding house like this but what i should like to do in architecture would be to put up a for that s a thing that has never been done and i think i might be able to do it if i did i d patent the plan and make a fortune then i should like to know by ic enough about the science of planning a building to find out whether my model hotel is practicable or not you have a model hotel in your mind eh said the it must be a very small hotel if it s in his mind said the doctor that s to saying that it isn t anywhere said mr well it s a great hotel just the same said the idiot although i presume it would be expensive to build it would have rooms in the first place each room would be constructed like an with at hand for moving it up and down the great thing about this would be that persons could have a room on any floor they wanted it so long as they got the room in the beginning a second advantage would lie in the fact that if you were sleeping in a room next door to another in which there was a crying baby you could pull the rope and go up two or three flights until you were free from the noise then in case of fire the room in which the fire started could be lowered into a sliding large enough to the whole thing in which i should have constructed in the cellar if the whole building by ic were to catch fire there be no loss of life because all the rooms could be lowered to the ground floor and the occupants could step right out upon solid ground then again if you were down on the ground floor and desired to get an extended view of the surrounding country it would be easy to raise your room to the desired elevation why there s no end to the advantages to be gained from such an arrangement it s a fine idea said mr and one worthy of your intellect it couldn t possibly cost more than a million of dollars to erect such a hotel could it no said the idiot and that is cheap alongside some of the hotels they are putting up nowadays it could be built on less than four hundred acres of ground too i presume said the with a wink at the doctor certainly said the idiot meekly and if anybody fell sick in one of the rooms said the doctor and needed a change of air you could have a tower over each i suppose so that the room could be elevated high enough to secure the different quality in the undoubtedly said the idiot although by ic that add materially to the expense a scarlet fever patient however in a hotel like that very easily be isolated from the rest of the house by the maintenance of what might be called the hospital floor superb said the doctor i wonder yon haven t spoken to some friend about it i have said the idiot you must remember that young fellow with a black i had here to dinner last saturday night yes i remember him said the doctor is he an he is and a good one he can take a brown stone dwelling and turn it into a mansion with a pot of yellow paint he s a wonder i submitted the idea to him and what was his verdict i don t like to say said the idiot blushing a little ha ha laughed mr i shouldn t think you would like to say i guess we know what he said i doubt it said the idiot but if you guess right i ll tell you he said you had better go and live in a by ic asylum said mr with a not he retained the idiot at his on the contrary he advised me to stop living in one he said contact with the rest of you was affecting my brain this time mr did not laugh but his coffee cup for a piece of toast bit a small section out of its rim and in the midst of mrs s which followed the school master s careless error the idiot and the old gentleman departed with smiles on their faces which were almost visible at the back of their respective necks by ic said the idiot as be began bis breakfast this isn t friday morning is it i thought it was tuesday so it is tuesday put in the school master then this fish is a little extra treat is it observed the idiot turning with a smile to the landlady fish that isn t fish sir returned the good lady that is liver oh is it said the idiot excuse me my dear mrs i thought from its resistance that it was sole have you a be added turning to the maid my piece is tender enough i can t see | 27 |
what you want said the school master coldly i d like your piece replied the idiot that is if it really is tender enough by ic don t pay any attention to him my dear the school master to the landlady whose ire was so very much aroused that she was about to make known her sentiments on certain subjects no mrs said the idiot don t pay any attention to me i beg of you anything that could add to the jealousy of mr would to the discomfort of all of us besides i really do not object to the liver i need not eat it and as for staying my appetite i always stop on my way down town after breakfast for a bite or two anyhow there was silence for a moment i wonder why it is began the idiot after his coffee i wonder why it is friday is fish day all over the world anyhow do you happen to be learned enough in science to me on that point doctor no returned the physician i ve never looked into the matter i guess it s because friday is an unlucky day said the idiot just think of all the unlucky things that may happen before and after eating fish as well as during the process in the first place before eating you go off and fi sh all day and have no luck by ic don t catch a thing fall in the water perhaps and lose your watch or your catches in your coat tails with the result that you come near casting instead of the fly into the brook or the pond as the case may be perhaps the hook doesn t stop with the coat tails but goes on in and catches you that s awfully unlucky especially when the hook is made of unusually wire then again you may go fishing on somebody else s preserves and get arrested and sent to jail and hauled up the next morning and have to pay ten dollars fine for think of mr being ten dollars for awfully unfortunate i kindly leave me out of your calculations returned mr with a flush of indignation certainly if you wish it said the idiot we ll hand mr brief over to the police and let him be for on somebody else s preserves although that s sort of impossible too because mrs never lets us see preserves of any kind we had last sunday night said the landlady indignantly by ic oh yes so we did returned the idiot that must have been what the had taken he added to the genial gentleman who occasionally ton know we thought he d been ah he d been absorbing to what do you refer asked the to the returned the idiot do not press me further please because we like you old fellow and i don t believe anybody noticed it but ourselves noticed what i want to know what you noticed and when you noticed it said the savagely i don t want any nonsense either i just want a plain statement of facts what did you notice well if you must have it said the idiot slowly my friend who and i were rather pained on sunday night to observe that you that you had evidently taken something rather stronger than cold water tea or mr s opinions it s a sir a gross retorted the how did i show it that s what i want to know how did i show it speak up quick and loud too how did i show it by ic he could be heard throwing things about by ic by ic well you went up stairs after tea yes sir i did and my friend who and i were left down in the front hall and while we were talking there you put your head over the and asked who s that down there remember that yes sir i do and you replied mr and myself yes and then you asked who are the other two well i did what of it mr and i were there alone that s what of it now i put a charitable construction on the matter and say it was the when you fly off the handle like one of mrs s coffee cups sir roared the jumping from his chair you are the greatest idiot i know sir returned the idiot you flatter me but the was not there to hear he had rushed from the room and during the deep silence that ensued he could be heard throwing things about in the chamber overhead and in a very few moments the of the front door and down by ic the brown stone steps showed that he had gone out of doors to cool off it is too bad said the idiot after a while that he has a quick temper it doesn t do a bit of good to get mad that way he ll be uncomfortable all day long and over what just because i attempted to say a good word for him and announce the restoration of my confidence in his qualities he cuts up a high that makes everybody uncomfortable but to resume about this fish business continued the idiot ob fish be hanged said the doctor impatiently we ve had enough of fish very well returned the idiot as you wish hanging isn t the best treatment for fish but we ll let that go i never cared for the tribe myself and if mrs can be induced to do it i for one am in favor of keeping and out of the house altogether by ic vi the idiot was unusually a fact which made the school master and the unusually nervous their stock criticism of him was that he was thoughtless and yet when | 27 |
he so far forgot his natural as to they did not like it it made them uneasy they had a haunting fear that he was with himself against them and no man not even a school master or a confirmed feeling that he is the object of a conspiracy the thing to do then upon this occasion seemed obviously to interrupt his train of thought to put upon his mental track as it were and ditch the express which they feared was getting up steam at that moment to run them down you don t seem quite yourself this morning sir said the by ic don t i the idiot and whom do i seem to be i mean that yon seem to have something on mind that you said the no i haven t anything on my mind the idiot i was thinking about you and mr which a thought not likely to use up much of my gray matter do you think your head holds any gray matter put in the doctor i should say said mr green gray or pink said the idiot choose your color it does not affect the fact that i was thinking about the and mr i have a great scheme in hand which only requires capital and the assistance of those two gentlemen to it on the sea of prosperity if any of you gentlemen want to get rich and die in comfort as the owner of your homes now is your chance in what particular line of business is your scheme asked mr he had often felt that he would like to die in comfort and to own a little house even if it had a large on it by ic said the idiot there is a pile of money to be made out of particularly if you happen to strike a new idea ideas count how far up do your ideas up to five questioned mr with a tinge of sarcasm in his tone i don t know about that returned the idiot the idea i have hold of now however will count up into the millions if it can only be set going and before each one of those millions will stand a big capital s with two black lines drawn through it in other words my idea holds dollars but to get the crop you ve got to sow the seed plant a thousand dollars in my idea and next year you ll reap two thousand plant that and next year you ll have four thousand and so on at that rate millions come easy i ll give you a dollar for the idea said the no i don t want to sell you ll do to help develop the scheme you ll make a first rate tool but you aren t the workman to manage the tool i will go as far as to say however that without you and mr or your in the animal king by ic the idea isn t worth the bum you offer you have quite aroused my interest said mr do you propose to start a new paper you are a good replied the idiot that is a part of the scheme but it isn t the idea i propose to start a new paper in accordance with the plan which the idea contains is it to be a magazine or a comic paper or what asked the neither it s a daily that s nonsense said mr putting his spoon into the milk can by mistake there isn t a single scheme in daily that hasn t been tried except an evening paper in the morning that s been tried said the idiot i know of an evening paper the second edition of which is published at mid day that s an old and there s money in it too money that will never be got out of it but i really have a grand scheme so many of our you know go in for every horrid detail of daily events that people are beginning to tire of them they contain practical by ic ly the same things day after day so many columns of murder so many beautiful so much sport a of general intelligence plenty of fires no end of financial news and head lines events like history repeat themselves until people have grown weary of them they want something new for instance if you read in your morning paper that a man has shot another man you know that the man who was shot was an person who never injured a soul stood high in the community in which he lived and leaves a widow with four children on the other hand you know without reading the account that the murderer shot his victim in self defence and was apprehended by the late last night that his counsel forbid him to talk to the and that it is that he comes of a good family living in new england k a breach of trust is committed you know that the was the last man of whom such an act would be suspected and except in the one detail of its and that he was prominent in some church you can calculate to a cent how much has been stolen by a glance at the amount of space de by ic to the of the crime loaf of bread two lines thousand dollars ten lines hundred thousand dollars half column million dollars a full column five million dollars half the front page wood cut of the and two one leader and one paragraph and so with everything we are creatures of habit the expected always happens and newspapers are dull because the events they chronicle are dull the truth of this put in the school master what do you propose to get up a newspaper that will devote its space to telling | 27 |
the poet by ic the first of the have not yet appeared however for messrs and when they learned how they had been they were so indignant that they did not speak to the idiot for a week by ic vm it was morning and mr as was his wont on the first day of the week appeared at the breakfast table severe as to his mien working on sunday on his mind the idiot said to the bat i don t see why it should the luxury of rest that he allows himself the other six days of the week is surely an for the hours of labor he puts in on sunday but it was not this that on sunday mornings weighed on the mind of the reverend mr he appeared more serious of then because he had begun to think of late that his fellow lived too much in the present and ignored almost totally that which might be expected to come he had been revolving in his mind for several weeks the question as to whether it was or was not his christian duty to attempt to io by ic the lives of these men with whom the chances of life had brought him in contact he had finally settled it to his own satisfaction that it was his so to do and he had resolved as far as lay in his power to direct the conversation at sunday morning s breakfast into spiritual rather than into matters so as mrs was pouring the coffee mr began do you gentlemen ever pause in your every day labors and thought to let your minds rest upon the future the possibilities it has in store for us the consequences no thank you said the idiot then turning to mr he added i can t answer for the other gentlemen at this board but i can assure you mr that i often do so it was only last night sir that my genial friend who and i were discussing the future and its possibilities and i venture to assert that there is no more profitable food for reflection anywhere in the of the mind than that of the mind is excellent said the school master with a touch of sarcasm in his voice perhaps you would not mind open by ic ing the door to your mental and letting us peep within at the stores you keep there i am sure that on the subject in hand your views cannot fail to be original as well as i am also sure said mr somewhat surprised to hear the idiot speak as he did having sometimes ventured to doubt if that minded young man ever reflected on the serious side of life i am also sure that it is most gratifying to hear that you have done some thinking on the subject i am glad you are gratified mr replied the idiot but i am far from taking undue credit to myself because i re fleet upon the future and its possibilities i do not see how any man can fail to be interested in the subject particularly when he considers the great strides science has made in the last twenty years i fail to see said the school master what the strides of science have to do with it you fail to see so often mr returned the idiot that i would advise your eyes to make an in favor of your pupils by ic i put in mr that i too am somewhat er somewhat up a tree as to science s connection with the future the idiot you have mj meaning but hardly the i should have chosen replied the minister my style is rather said the idiot i appreciate the flattery implied by your noticing it but science has everything to do with it it is science that is going to make the future great it is science that has distance and the has just begun twenty years ago it was hardly possible for a man standing on one side of the street to make himself heard on the other the properties of the atmosphere not being what they should be today you can stand in the pulpit of your church and by means of certain scientific ap make yourself heard in boston new or san has this no bearing on the future the time will come mr when your will be able to sit in their comfortable and ring up the heathen in foreign and convert them over the without run by ic the slightest danger of falling into the soup which expression i use in its literal rather than in its sense bat interrupted mr now wait please said the idiot if science can degrees of distance who shall say that before many days science may not degrees of time if san thousands of miles distant can be brought within range of the ear why cannot be brought before the mind s eye and if can be brought before the mind s eye what is to prevent the invention of a which shall enable us to cast a which shall reach all around eternity and half way back if not further you do not understand me said mr when i speak of the future i do not mean the future i know exactly what you mean said the idiot i ve dealt in and i am familiar with all kinds it is you sir that do not understand me my claim is perfectly plausible and in its results is bound to make the world better do you suppose that any man who by the aid of my sees that on a certain date in the future he will be hanged for murder is going to fail to provide himself by ic with an in regard to that murder and must we not admit that having provided himself with | 27 |
that he will of necessity avoid and so avoid the gallows that s reasonable so in regard to all the thousand and one other that go to make this life a sinful one science by a purely logical advance along the lines already out for itself and in part already traversed will enable men to avoid the and reap only the of life we shall all see what terrible consequences await on a single and we shall not make the can you still claim that science and the future have nothing to do with each other tou are talking of matters purely said mr i have reference to our spiritual future and the two observed the idiot are so closely allied that we cannot separate them the proverb about looking after the and letting the pounds take care of themselves applies here i believe that if i take care of my future which by does not my spiritual future will take care of itself and if science places the hereafter before us and you admit that even by ic now it is before ns all we have to do is to take advantage of our opportunities and mend our lives accordingly but if science shows you what is to come said the school master t must with perfect accuracy or it ceases to be science in which event your entertaining notions as to reform and so on are entirely not at all said the idiot we are approaching the time when science which is much more liberal than any other branch of knowledge will sacrifice even truth itself for the good of mankind you ought to start a company suggested the doctor either that or make himself the of an insane asylum observed the school master i never knew a man with such views as those we have heard this morning there is a great deal mr that you have never known returned the idiot stick by me and you ll die with a mind richly stored the school master left the table with such manifest impatience that mr was sorry he had started the conversation by ic the genial gentleman who occasionally and the idiot withdrew to the latter s room where the former observed wh at are you driving at anyhow where did yon get those crazy ideas i ate a last night and dreamed em returned the idiot i thought as much said his companion what fine things dreams are anyhow t by ic ix was very nearly over and it was of good quality that very few remarks had been made finally the ball was set rolling by the lawyer how many of do you smoke a day he asked as the idiot took one from his pocket and placed it at the side of his cup never more than forty six said the idiot why do you think of starting a stand not at all said mr brief i was only wondering what chance you had to live to maturity that s all your maturity period will be in about eight hundred and sixty years from now the way i calculate and it seemed to me that judging from the number of you smoke you were not likely to last through more than two or three of those years by ic oh i expect to live longer than that said the idiot i think i m good for at least four years don t you doctor i decline to have anything to say about your case retorted the doctor whose feeling towards the idiot was not affectionate in that event i shall probably live five years more said the idiot the doctor s lip curled but he remained silent you ll live put in mr with a chuckle the good die young how did you happen to keep alive all this time then mr asked the idiot i have always tobacco in every form for one thing said mr i am surprised put in the idiot that s really a bad habit and i marvel greatly that you should have done it the school master frowned and looked at the idiot over the of his glasses as was his wont when he was intent upon getting explanations done what he asked severely tobacco replied the idiot tou just said that one of the things that by ic has kept yon lingering in this of tears was that you have always tobacco i never did that and i never shall do it because i deem it a detestable diversion i didn t say anything of the sort retorted mr getting red in the face i never said that i tobacco in any form oh come said the idiot with impatience what s the use of talking that way we all heard what you said and i have no doubt that it came as a shock to every member of this assemblage it certainly was a shock to me because with all my weaknesses and bad habits i think tobacco bad the worst part of it is that you it in every form a man who tobacco only may some time throw off the habit but when one gets to be such a victim to it that he up cigars and and of pipe tobacco it seems to me he is it is not only a bad habit then it to a vice mr was getting you know well enough that i never said the words you attribute to me he said sternly really mr returned the idiot by ic with an shake of his head as if he were to the school master to keep quiet really yon pain me by these futile nobody forced yon into the confession tou made it entirely of your own now i ask you as a and brother what s the use of saying anything more about it we believe you to be a person of | 27 |
t smoke neither do they join the police force therefore man should by ic ther smoke nor become a of the peace nevertheless it is a of insisted mr no it isn t retorted the idiot smoking is the business of it because it has to there there i remonstrated mr you mean hear hear i presume said the idiot i mean that you have said enough remarked mr sharply very well said the idiot if i have convinced you all i am satisfied not to say gratified but really mr he added rising to leave the room if i were you i d give up the practice of hold on a minute mr idiot said mr interrupting he was desirous that mr should not be further irritated let me ask you one question does your old father smoke no said the idiot leaning easily over the back of his no what of it nothing at all except that perhaps if he could get along without it you might suggested the clergyman by ic he couldn t get along without it if he knew what good tobacco was said the idiot then why don t you introduce him to it v asked the minister because i do not wish to make him unhappy returned the idiot softly he thinks his seventy years have been the happiest years that any mortal ever had and if now in his seventy first year he discovered that during the whole period of his manhood he had been deprived through ignorance of so great a blessing as a good cigar he d become like the rest of us living in anticipation of delights to come and not finding bliss in living over the past me my dear mr to look after him he and my mother and my life are all i have the idiot left the room and mr put in a greater part of the next half hour in making personal statements to the remaining to the effect that the word he used was and not the one attributed to him by the idiot strange to say most of them were already aware of that fact by ic the of invention in this country has been very remarkable said mr as he turned his attention from a scientific weekly he had been reading to a towering pile of cakes that mary had just brought in an englishman has just discovered a means by which a ship in distress at sea can write for help on the clouds extraordinary said mr it might be more so observed the idiot the of cakes out of the school master s reach by a movement of his hand and it will be more so some day the time is coming when the moon itself will be used by some american to his soap business i haven t any doubt that the next fifty years will develop a by means of which a picture of a certain brand of cigar may be projected through space until it seems to be by ic held between the teeth of the man in the moon with a printed legend below it stating that this is from hand made tobacco not to or and for sale by all at eighteen for a yoa would call that an advance in invention eh asked the school master why not the idiot do you consider the invention which would enable man to nature to the level of an medium an advance i should not consider the use of the moon for the of good news a if the cigars were good and i have no doubt that some one will yet invent a cheap cigar that is good it would benefit the human race to be acquainted with that fact i think sometimes that the in the newspapers and the of the day are of more value to the public than the reading matter so called that stands next to them i don t see why you should sneer at i should never have known you for instance mr had it not been for mrs s advertisement offering board and lodging to single gentle by ic men for a consideration nor would you have met mrs now your wife yourself had it not been for that advertisement why then do you sneer at the ladder upon which you have in a sense climbed to your present happiness you are ungrateful how you do said mr i believe there is no subject in the world which you cannot connect in some way or another with every other subject in the world a discussion of the merits of shakespeare s could be turned by your tongue in five minutes into a quarrel over the comparative merits of and liver oil as with you the chances are the advocate of liver oil as a steady drink well i must say said the idiot with a smile it has been my experience that oil is than the liver i have had the pleasure of absorbing have been vile while the that i have drank have been of a variety of goodness and which has brought me to the point where i never touch it but to return to inventions since you desire to limit our discussion to a single sub by ic i think it is the most interesting field of speculation imaginable there yon are right said mr there is absolutely no limit to the possibilities involved it is almost within the range of possibilities that some man may yet invent a cake that will satisfy your craving for that delicacy which the present total of this table seems unable to do here mr turned to his wife and added my dear will you request the cook hereafter to prepare individual cakes for us the idiot has so far all that have as yet appeared it appears to me said the idiot at | 27 |
this point that you are the mr nevertheless as much as you please i can follow you at a safe distance of course in the discussion of anything from to i think your suggestion regarding individual cakes is a good one we might all have separate upon which the cook can prepare them and on these might be cast in bold relief the crest of each member of this household so that every man s cake should by an easy process in the making by ic come off the fire engraved with the evidence of its destiny mr s iron for instance might have upon it a school book or a large head in the same condition mr s cake mark might be a pulpit based upon a the doctor might have a shield with a suitable while my genial friend who occasionally could have a shield surmounted by a small of you appear to know something of said the poet with a look of surprise i know something of everything said the idiot complacently it s a pity you don t know everything about something sneered the doctor i would suggest said the school master that a little would make a good crest for your cakes that s a very good idea said the idiot i do not know but that a would be about as comprehensive of my virtues as anything i might select the is a combination of all the best qualities he is determined he minds his own business he doesn t indulge in conversation he is useful has no vices by ic never to be anything bnt a and most to be ridden by tom dick and harry i accept the suggestion of mr with thanks bat we are still let ns get back to inventions now i fully believe that the time is coming when some genius will devise a method whereby intellect can be given to those who haven t any i believe that the time is coming when the secrets of the universe will be yielded up to man by nature and then mr brief then some man will try to improve on the secrets of the universe he will try to invent an apparatus by means of which the of the world may be made faster or slower according to his will if he has but one day for instance in which to do a stated piece of work and he needs two he will put on some patent and slow the world up until the distance travelled in one hour shall be reduced one half so that one hour under the old system will be equivalent to two or if he is some joy some diversion in the future the same smart person will find a way to increase the speed of the earth so that the hours will be like minutes then by ic be u begin with and he will discover a new fashioned which can be carried in one s hat to the influence of the centre of gravity when one falls out of a window or off a precipice the result of which will be that the person who falls off one of these high places will drop down slowly and not with the rapidity which at the present day is responsible for the dreadful of accidents of that sort then finally you pretend to be able to penetrate to the do you asked the clergyman why not it is as easy to imagine the as it is to go half way there returned the idiot finally he will tackle some principle of nature and he ll blow the world to there was silence at the table this at least seemed to be a theory that man should have the to take liberties with principles was quite within reason man being an animal of rare conceit and that the result would about destruction was not at all at with probability i believe it s happened once or twice already said the idiot by ic do you really asked mr with a show of interest upon what do yoa base this belief well take africa said the idiot take north america what do we find we find in the sands of the a great statue which we call the and about which we know nothing except that it is there and that it keeps its mouth shut we find marvellous in that to day anything tb at we can do the when discovered was covered by sand now i believe that at one time there were people much further advanced in science than ourselves who made these wonderful things who knew how to do things that we don t even dream of doing and i believe that they like this creature i have predicted got with the centre of gravity and that the world slipped its for a period of time during which time it tumbled into space and that banks and banks of sand and water and ice thrown out of position simply swept on and over the whole surface of the globe until the earth got into the grip of the rest of the universe once more and started along in a new we know that where we are high and dry to day the by ic ocean must once have rolled we know that where the world is now all sunshine and flowers great stood what caused all this change nothing else in my judgment than the of man with the forces of nature the poles changed and it wouldn t surprise me a bit that if the north pole were ever found and could be out we should find in that great sea of ice evidences of a former civilization just as in the waste evidences of the same thing have been found i know of a place out west that is literally strewn with shells and yet no | 27 |
man living has the slightest idea how they came there it may have been the bay of a time for all we know it may have been an island for all the world knows who shall say that this little upset of mine found here an bed shook all the out of their bed into space and left their clothes high and dry in a locality which but for those garments would seem never to have known the in his prime off in county on the top of a high hill lies a rock and in the uppermost portion of that rock is a so called pot made by nothing else than the by ic of water of a brook and the of pebbles therein it is now beyond the reach of anything in the shape of water save that which falls from the heavens it is certain that this pot hole was never made by a boy with a watering pot by a hired man with a by a workman with a or by any rain storm that ever fell in county there must at some time or another have been a stream there and as streams do not flow and bore pot holes on there must have been a valley there some great took place for that nature must be held responsible mainly but what prompted nature to raise with county millions of years ago and to let it sleep like van ever since nature isn t a she is depicted as a woman but in spite of that she is not she does not act upon impulses there must have been some cause for her behavior in turning valleys into hills in huge cities into of sand and beds into shell and it is my belief that man was the cause he tapped the earth for natural gas he bored in and he bored out and he bored nature to death and then nature rose by ic p np and smote him and his cities and his beds and she ll do it again unless we go slow there is a great deal in what you say said mr very true said mrs but i wish he d stop saying it the last three dozen cakes have got cold as ice while he was talking and i can t afford such reckless waste nor we mrs said the idiot with a pleasant smile for as i was saying to the this morning your cakes are to my mind the very highest development of our modern civilization and to have even one of them wasted seems to me to be a crime against nature herself for which a second third or fourth shaking up of this earth would be an inadequate punishment this remark so pleased mrs that she ordered the cook to send up a fresh lot of cakes and the guests after eating them to their various duties with light hearts and occupied with work of great importance by ic xi i what would have happened if had not discovered america said the as the company prepared to partake of the morning meal he would have gone home disappointed said the idiot with a look of surprise on his face which seemed to indicate that in his opinion the was very dull not to have solved the problem for himself he would have gone home disappointed and we would now be foreigners like most other americans mr would doubtless be the young of the aristocracy of mr would be of the would be raising in holland and you would be wandering about with the other wild men of at the present time put in the by ic no said the idiot not quite i should be dividing my time up between holland france and spain you are an sort of idiot eh the lawyer with a chuckle at his own wit say rather a idiot said the idiot among my ancestors i number individuals of various nations though i suppose that if we go back far enough we were all in the same boat as far as that is concerned one of my great great was a one of them was a another was a a fourth was a frenchman what the others were i don t know it s a nuisance looking up one s ancestors i think they increase so as you go back into the past every man has had two four great eight great great sixteen great thirty two fathers raised to the fourth power of great and so on increasing in number as you go further back until it is hardly possible for any one to throw a brick into the pages of history without somebody who is more or less responsible for his existence i dare say there if ft streak of in m and i by ic haven t a doubt that if oar friend mr here were to take the trouble to gate he would find that and and could be numbered among his early and now that i think of it i must say that in my estimation he is an unusually amiable man considering how the nature of these men were think of it for a minute here a man in himself and and two of whom killed the third and then having quarrelled together went out upon a battle field and themselves after making remarks for which this miserable world gives shakespeare all the credit it s worse than the case of a friend of mine one of whose was french and the other german how did it him asked mr it made him distrust himself said the idiot with a smile and for that reason he never could get on in the world when his nature suggested that he do something his blood would rise up and spoil everything and vice he was quarrelling with himself he was a victim to internal disorder | 27 |
of the worst sort by ic and what pray finally became of him p asked the clergyman he shot himself in a returned the idiot with a wink at the genial old gentleman who occasionally it was very sad i ve known things said mr wearily your elaborate jokes for instance they are enough to make strong men weep you flatter me mr said the idiot i have never in all my experience as a of made a man laugh until he cried but i hope to some day but really do you know i think is an immensely man if you come down to it what did he do he went out to sea in a ship and sailed for three months and when he least expected it ran bang up against the western it was like shooting at a bam door with a gun he was bound to hit it sooner or later you don t give him any credit for of purpose or good judgment then asked mr brief of course i do plenty of it he stuck to his ship like a hero who didn t know by ic am to swim his judgment was great he had too much sense to go to spain without any news of something because he fully understood that unless he had something to show for the trip there would have been a great laugh on queen for selling her jewels to provide for a ninety day for him and a lot of common sailors which would never have done so he kept on and on and finally some unknown up in the bow discovered america then went home and told everybody that if it hadn t been for his own eagle eye wouldn t have been invented and world s would have been local institutions then they got up a parade in which the king and queen graciously took part and became a great man meanwhile the unknown who did discover the land was knocking about the town and thinking he was a very lucky fellow to get an extra glass of it wasn t anything more than the absolute justice of fate that caused the new land to be named america and not it really ought to have been named after that fellow up in the bow but my dear idiot put in the the scheme itself was i by ic he the theory that the earth is round like a ball to quote mr began the idiot you can t quote me in your own favor the school master wait until i have finished said the idiot i was only going to quote you by saying that s all and so i repeat in the words of mr i the theory why man how could he help the theory there was the sun rising in the east every morning and setting in the west every night what else was there to believe that somebody put the sun out every night and back east with it under cover of darkness but you forget that the wise men of the day laughed at his idea said mr surveying the idiot after the fashion of a man who has dealt an adversary a blow that only proves what i have always said replied the idiot wise men can t find fun in anything but stem facts wise men always do laugh at truth whenever i advance some new proposition you sit up there next to mrs and indulge in by ic of the most sort if yon had been one of the wise men of s time there isn t doubt in my mind that when said the earth was round you d have remarked in spanish there was silence for a minute and then the idiot began again there s another point about this whole business that makes me tired he said it only goes to prove the conceit of these here was a great continent inhabited by countless people a european comes over here and is said to be the of america and is statues of him are scattered all over the world pictures of him are printed in the newspapers and magazines a dozen different varieties of portraits of him are printed on as big as and all for what because he discovered a land that millions of indians had known about for centuries on the other hand when goes back to spain several of the native americans trust their precious lives to his old one of these savages must have been the first american to discover europe where are the statues of the indian who discovered europe where are the showing how he looked by ic on the day when europe first struck his vision where is anybody spending a of dollars getting up a world s fair in of lo s discovery of europe he didn t know it was europe said the didn t know this was america retorted the idiot in fact didn t know anything he didn t know any better than to write a letter to queen and mail it in a that never turned up he didn t even know how to steer his old boat into a real solid continent instead of getting ten days on the island he was an awfully wise man he saw an island with indians and said why this must be india and worst of all if his pictures mean anything he didn t even know enough to choose his face and stick to it don t talk to me unless you want to prove that luck is the greatest of success ill luck is sometimes a of success said mr you are a success as an idiot which appears to me to be extremely unfortunate i don t know about that said the idiot i myself to my company and of by ic then yon are a school master among masters | 27 |
a lawyer among lawyers and forth the what are you when your company is made up of widely characters asked mr brief before the idiot had a chance to reply to the s question i try to be a widely character myself and trying to sit on many fall and become just an idiot said mr that s according to the way you look at it i put my company to the test in the of my mind i the characters of all about me and whatever quality in the that i become thus in the presence of my employer and his office boy i become a mixture of both something of the employer something of an i run errands for my employer and the office boy with you gentlemen i go through the same process the the school master mr brief and the rest of you have been cast into the and i have tried to the result and are an idiot said the school master it is your own name for me gentlemen by ic returned the idiot i presume you have recognized your self and have chosen the title accordingly you were a little hard on me this morning weren t you asked the genial old gentleman who occasionally that evening when he and the idiot were discussing the morning s chat i didn t like to say anything about it but i don t think you ought to have thrown me into the with the rest i wish you had spoken said the idiot warmly it would have given me a chance to say that the grain of sense that once or twice a year the lump of my is directly due to the furnished by yourself here s to you old man if you and i lived alone together what a wise man i should be and then the genial old gentleman went to the cupboard and got out a bottle of port wine that he had been preserving in for ten years this he opened and as he did so he said i ve been keeping this for years my boy it was in my youth to the thirst of the first man who truly appreciated me take it all by ic til divide with you returned the idiot with a smile for really old fellow i think you ah i think you appreciate yourself as much as i do by ic hate to be seen by ic by ic i what it costs to run a flat said the idiot stirring his coffee with the salt spoon a proceeding which seemed to indicate that he was thinking of something else don t you keep an expense account asked the laughed mrs first rate joke said the idiot with a smile but really now i should like to w for how little an apartment could be run i am interested mrs stopped laughing at once the idiot s words were ominous she did not always like his views but she did like his money and she was not at all anxious to lose him as a it s very expensive she said firmly i shouldn t ever advise any one to undertake living in a flat rents are high butcher by ic bills are because the have to pay not only to the cook so that she u use twice as much as she can and give away three or four times as much to the poor as she ought but have to be seen to and boys and all that come high for the reason oh no i flat life isn t the life for anybody i say give me a good first class am i not right john yes indeed said mr every time i lived in a flat once and it was an awful nuisance above me lived a who gave lessons at every hour of the day in the room directly over my study so that i was always being disturbed at my work while below me was a music teacher who was all night so that i could hardly sleep worst of all on the same floor with me was a miserable person of tendencies who always my door for his when he came home after midnight and who gave some quite people two floors below to believe that it was i and not he who sang comic songs between three and four o clock in the morning there has not been too much love lost between the idiot and myself but i cannot be so by ic as to recommend him to live in a flat i can bear testimony to the same effect put in mr brief who was two weeks in and anxious to his landlady testimony to the effect that mr sang comic songs in the early morning said the idiot nonsense i don t believe it i have lived in this house for two years with mr and i ve never heard him raise his voice in song yet i didn t mean anything of the sort retorted mr brief you know i didn t don t to me said the idiot to mr he is the man you have wronged what did he say put in mr with a stern look at mr brief i didn t hear what he said i didn t say anything said the lawyer except that i could bear testimony to the effect that your experience with flat life was similar to mine this young person with his customary nerve tries to make it appear that i said you sang comic songs in the early morning i try to do nothing of the sort said the idiot i simply expressed my belief that by ic t in spite of what a said mr was and i do so because my experience with him has me that he is not the kind of man | 27 |
who would do that sort of thing he has neither time voice nor inclination he has an ear two of them in fact and an mind but oh interrupted the school master when i need a you may spare yourself the trouble of flying to my rescue i know i may said the idiot but with me it s a question of can and can t i m willing to attack you personally but while i live no other shall do so wherefore i tell mr brief plainly and to his face that if he says you ever sang a comic song he says what is not so you might hum one but sing it never we were talking of i believe said mr yes said the idiot and these persons have changed it from flat talk to sharp talk well anyhow put in mr brief i lived in a flat once and it was anything but pleasant i lost a case once for the simple and only reason that i lived in a flat it was a case that required a great deal of on my part and i invited my to my by ic home to my plan of action i got interested in the scheme as i unfolded it and spoke in my usual impassioned manner as though addressing a jury and would you believe it the opposing counsel happened to be visiting a friend on the next floor and my eloquence floated up through the air shaft and gave our whole plan of action away we were on the point we had supposed would pierce the enemy s and lay him at our feet for the wholly simple reason that that abominable air shaft had made my move a matter of public knowledge that s a good idea for a play said the idiot a roaring farce could be built up on that basis villain and on one floor innocent victim on floor above plot up air shaft innocent victim villain and say ha ha for three acts and take a back seat in the fourth with a grand showing the in the county jail as a write it up with lots of live stock wandering in and out bring in and and show up some of the of flat life if there be any such call it a sole in the flat and put it on the stage by ic nine hundred nights is the very shortest ran it could have which at fifty dollars a night for the author is in good hard dollars mr poet the idea is yours for a say the word thanks said the poet with a smile i m not a then i ll have to do it myself said the idiot and if i do good bye shakespeare that s so said mr nothing could more effectually ruin the dramatic art than to have you write a play people seeing your work would say here this will never do the stage must be discouraged at all costs a throws the into disgrace an brings shame upon education and an lawyer gives the bar a bad name i think you are just the man to ruin shakespeare then i ll give up my ambition to become a and stick to said the idiot but to come back to tour feeling in regard to them is entirely different from that of a friend of mine who has lived in one for ten years he thinks flat life is ideal his children can t fall down stairs because there aren t any stairs to fall down his roof never because he hasn t any by ic roof to and when be and bis family want to go off anywhere all he has to do is to lock his front door and go never climb into his front window they are all eight flights up damp don t trouble him because they are too far down to do him any injury even if they the cares of house keeping are reduced to a his cook doesn t spend all her time in the front area with the because there isn t any front area to his flat and in a social way his wife is most delightfully situated because most of her friends live in the same building and instead of having to hire a carriage to go calling in all she has to do is to take the and go from one floor to another if he pines for a change of scene he is high enough up in the air to get it by looking out of his windows over the tops of other buildings into the green fields to the north or looking westward into the state of new instead of taking a drive through the park or a walk all he and his wife need to do is to take a and follow some little path with their eyes then as for expense he finds that he money by means of a co scheme for instance if he by ic s wants for dinner and and his wife cannot eat a whole one he goes shares on the and its cost with his neighbors above and below yes and his neighbors above and below borrow tea and eggs and and ice and other things whenever they ran short so that in that way he loses all he said mr resolved not to give in he does if he isn t smart said the idiot i of that myself and asked him it and he told me that he kept of all that and always made it a point after some neighbor had borrowed two of from him to send in before the week was over and borrow three of from the neighbor so far his books show that he is sixteen of seven of tea one bottle of extract and a ton of | 27 |
rights reserved by to miss of london from mr of new york by by contents page i by way of introduction ii a little dinner to some old friends iii in the library iv as to a small dinner v on the maintenance op an vl the idiot s garden household poetry viii some consideration op the man ix on social accounts x as to xl as to new year s day xii some domestic inventions xiii a xiv some consideration op the xv some consideration op the xvi conclusion by by let the fathers look after the children at night by by the idiot at home before evening came that i had gone and let my wife have the rest as a matter of fact the bringing up of children should be left to the mother oh but the father should have something to do with it interrupted mrs idiot it is too great a responsibility to place on a woman s shoulders you didn t let me finish my dear said the idiot i was going to say that the mother should bring the children up and the father should take em down when they get up too high my views to a dot said mr with more enthusiasm than he had ever yet shown over the idiot s just as in ordinary government the home authorities should govern and when necessary a stronger power should ideal is it not laughed mrs idiot addressing mrs the mother spain the children papa the great and glorious united states well said mr i didn t mean that exactly you know but it s what you said john said mrs somewhat severely by the idiot at home well i don t see why there can t be a division of responsibility said the poet who had never married and who knew children only a a theory let the mothers look after them in the and the fathers at night this sally was greeted with an outburst of applause it was so practical excuse me said the idiot i m not selfish but i don t want to have charge of the children at night why when was cutting his teeth i suffered agonies when night came on i was down town all day and so wasn t very much then but at night it was something awful not only s tooth but the fear that his mother would tread on a tack that was unselfish said mr you weren t afraid of treading on one yourself how could i said the idiot i had all i could do trying to keep my wife from knowing that i was disturbed it is bad enough to be worried over a crying babe without being by an irritated husband so i simply lay there pretending to be asleep and away for dear life by the idiot at home you are the most considerate man i ever heard of said mrs smiling you don t mean to say said the poet with a frown that you made your wife get up and take all the trouble and i d only have been in the way said the idiot meekly so he kept quiet and pretended to like the good old idiot that he is put in the doctor and he did the right thing too he added if all fathers would themselves on occasions of that sort and let the mothers rule the and and would go to sleep a great deal more quickly we are rambling said mr the question of a father s duty towards a son has nothing to do with the question of a child s right to dine with his parents oh i don t know said the idiot if we are to consider this matter we must start right is a natural first step for if a child hath no teeth shall he eat dinners with his parents or without them that is all well retorted mr c by the idiot at home but to discuss fire engines it is not necessary to go back to the times of to begin it mr now the rev d d for he too had smiled there is no man in the world who more thoroughly a joke than the prosperous clergyman well said the idiot i quite agree with your proposition that children should dine in the dining room with their parents and not up stairs in the nursery with a lot of tin soldiers and the manners of parents are no better than those of tin soldiers and but their conversation is apt to prove more instructive and as for the stern father who says his children must dine in the kitchen until they learn better manners i never had much confidence in him or in his manners either i don t see said the genial old gentleman who occasionally how you can discipline children in the nursery if they in the dining room you can send them up stairs to the nursery but if they in the nursery where the deuce can you send them by a little figure clad in white by by the idiot at home to bed said mr brief i cried the idiot children mr brief as i understand them and i have known three very well myself as a boy and and children as i them are never naughty for the mere fun of being so their wickedness grows out of their wonderful stores of and energy take my son thomas on last saturday afternoon for instance it was a rainy saturday and instead of being out of doors all morning and afternoon getting rid of his superfluous vitality had been up in the house all day doing nothing shortly before dinner we had a difference of opinion which lasted for more time than i like to think about i was tired and irritable wasn t | 27 |
tired but he was irritable and from his point of view was as right as i was he had the best of me to the extent that i was tired and he wasn t i had the best of him to the extent that i had authority and he hadn t and who came out ahead asked mr i did said the idiot because i was bigger than he was but what i was by the idiot at home going to say was this mr brief would have sent him to bed thereby adding to the boy s stock of energy already too great for his little mind to control and what did you do asked mr brief said a small but masculine voice from behind the thomas said the idiot severely as all turned to see who had spoken a little figure clad in white supported by a still smaller figure also clad in white but with an additional about the neck both of them appeared in the doorway why said mrs idiot we down to thee how you along said the little girl yes we did said the boy but he didn t do a thing to me that day he added climbing on his father s knee and down against his pocket with a sweet little sigh of satisfaction did you pa yes thomas said the idiot don t you remember that i ignored you utterly yes i do said but i d rather be than not noticed at all by id rather be than not noticed at all by by the idiot at home tc i am afraid said mr a few hours later as he and mrs were returning home i am very much afraid that the idiot s children are being spoiled i hope they are returned the good lady for really john i never knew a boy or a girl to grow into man or womanhood and amount to anything who hadn t been spoiled in childhood is another name for the attitude of parents who make comrades of their children and who do not set themselves up as but the veneration of a child for his father and mother mr began should not into the awe which one feels for an interrupted mrs the old gentleman retired from the field as for mrs and mr idiot they retired that night satisfied with the evening s diversion and just before he turned out the light the idiot walked into the nursery to say good night to the children you re a good old pop i said with an affectionate the best i ever had by the idiot at home as for she was sleeping soundly with a smile on her placid little face which showed that spoiled as she was she was happy and what should the idiot or any one else seek to bring into a child s life but happiness by ic ni in the the had come off into the country to spend sunday with the idiot and as fortune would have it mr and mrs also appeared on the scene after the mid day dinner the little party withdrew to the library where the began to discourse somewhat upon his i am glad to see my dear idiot he observed as he glanced about the room at the well filled shelves that as you grow older you are a love of good literature i heartily echo the sentiment said mr as he noted the titles of some of the volumes i may add that i am surprised at some of your i never knew for instance that you cared for and yet i see by the idiot at home here on the top shelf a edition of that poet yes said the idiot i have found very useful indeed particularly in that binding and in so many volumes the color goes very well with the and the space the books occupy out by a dozen others of the same color gives to that top shelf all the effect of an attractive and then too it is always well he added with a sly wink at mrs idiot to have a lot of books for a top shelf that is difficult to reach that nothing under the could induce you to read it is not to be stretching upward and with upon the top shelf my wife and i are never tempted to our by taking him down the laughed your view is at least characteristic said he and to tell you the absolute truth i do not know that your judgment of the literary value of is at with my own somebody called him the greatest poet of a little age perhaps if the age had been bigger he d not have shone so brilliantly by did not smoke until i fifty by by the idiot at home observed mr was responsible for that remark if i remember rightly and i have no doubt it is a one and yet i do not hold it up against man does not make the age the age makes the man had there been any inspiring influences at work to give him a motive an might have been a greater poet to his fellows was all that could rightly be expected of him and that he did assuredly said the idiot that has always been my view and to day we benefit by it if he had gone directly to oblivion mrs idiot and i should have been utterly at a loss to know what to put on that top shelf the idiot offered his visitors a cigar thank you said the taking his and at it with all the airs and graces of a i don t know but that i will join you said mr i did not smoke until i was fifty and i suppose i ought not to have taken it up then but i | 27 |
the idiot at home for you my dear why do you collect books i love em as books replied the because of their associations and because when i get a treasure i have the bliss of knowing i have something that others haven t then it is selfishness asked mr just as everything else is returned the you sir if i may be personal without wishing to be offensive are wedded to mrs you take pleasure in knowing that she belongs to you and not to any one else the idiot here is proud of his children and is glad they are his children and nobody else s am wedded to my rare books and it my soul to pick up a volume that is unique and to know that it belongs to me and to no one else if that is selfishness then all possession is selfish that s about it said the idiot you collect books just as and solomon used to collect wives you are called a i suppose young and solomon would have been known as though i don t suppose that age in women as in books is a by the idiot at home requisite of value to marrying men and they are both of them supposed to be rather persons mr puffed away in silence it was evident that the ad did not please him well he said after awhile possibly you are right if a man wants a library to be a small british museum he will take better care of his than the idiot does said the putting the rare back into its place if that were mine i d put it out of the reach of my children i didn t know you had any said the idiot eagerly oh you know what i mean retorted the you place on the top shelf where and cannot get at him but this book which is worth ten larger paper of you keep below where the children can easily reach it it s a wonder to me you ve been able to keep it in its present superb condition the mind of a child said mr is above above all it is the mind of sincerity and a rare book has no greater at by the idiot at home to the boy or girl than one not so favored that is not my reason said the idiot i know children pretty well and i have observed that they are ambitious and in a sense rebellious they want to do what they cannot do that is why when mothers place jam on the top shelf of the the children always climb up to get it if they would leave it on the dining room table within easy reach the children would soon cease to regard it as a thing to be sought for make jam a required article of diet and the little ones will soon cease to want it so with that book if i should put that out of s reach would lie awake nights to plan his campaign to get it leaving it where it is he doesn t think about it doesn t want it is not forbidden to have it and so it escapes his notice you have the right idea the human idea said mr and even the was inclined to agree but just then happened in with close after the boy walked straight to the and gathered up the large from the idiot s table and together they approached their father by the idiot at home pa said holding up the can i borrow these what for asked the idiot we want to cut the pictures out o this said holding up the after all it is difficult to lay down a cast iron rule as to how a private library should be constructed or arranged particularly when one s loyalty is divided between one s children and one s merely treasures by iv as to a small dinner it was sad but true mr and mrs idiot had invited mr and mr and mrs and the poet to dinner and for some reason or another the cook had taken wings unto herself and flown and the guests were expected within two hours i see now said the idiot why they call it taking french leave nobody who doesn t understand french understands it if it wasn t french or if somebody would it for us we might be able to comprehend it as it is it is one of the mysteries and as usual we must make the best of it life after all my dear consists largely of making the best of things well i m sure i don t know what to do said mrs idiot un by the idiot at home less you telegraph them all not to come and tell them why it is too late to do that said the idiot looking at his watch they ve probably all left home by this time poets and and old people like mr and mrs always do start an hour too early for fear of missing their train i wouldn t care so much about the poet said mrs idiot he doesn t know enough about housekeeping anyhow to make it matter but mr and mr and mrs i simply can t ask them to camp out as it were the very fact that mrs would become sympathetic immediately she learned what had happened would in itself be i thought women liked sympathy said the idiot with a proper of surprise so they do but you might just as well talk about as meaning one thing as of sympathy being all of the same brand mrs idiot answered certain kinds of are sour and i suppose there are sixty different kinds by ft the cook had taken unto herself by by the idiot at home sixty two said | 27 |
fun suppose we put our minds on the serious aspect of the case two hours from now four people are coming here hungry i have it cried the idiot let s borrow a cook i don t believe it s ever been done before it by the idiot at home would be splendid not only in getting us out of our troubles but in establishing an entirely new principle in domestic science what is the use of neighbors who will not be and lend you their most cherished possession at all sighed mrs idiot now when we lived in our flat in york the people up stairs borrowed our ice said the idiot the people downstairs borrowed our dining room chairs the people across the hall borrowed butter and milk and eggs and i think we once borrowed a from the people on the top floor never cried mrs idiot yes we did my dear insisted the idiot at least i did you and the children were off in the country and one hot summer s night two years ago i was consumed with a desire for a glass of and as there were no in the house or the flat i sent out to borrow i began at the and worked up towards the roof and ultimately got what i wanted although as i have said it was the top flat people i got it from by the downstairs borrowed our dining room chairs by by the idiot at home and did you ever return it demanded mrs idiot i regret to say that i didn t said the idiot but i will and with interest i wonder what two years interest on a is he added i suppose that a borrowed at the rate of six per cent could be paid off by a and one small i will send my check for both to those people to morrow what was their name i never knew said mrs idiot i never liked them and i never called i am sorry you are under obligations to them only for a though dear said the idiot at six per cent but what does all this prove demanded the poor little housekeeper that the principle of is recognized among neighbors the idiot explained if a neighbor will lend a surely a neighbor will lend a cook the principle involved is the same in both cases particularly so in this case for my experience with has been that they are after all for the most part nothing but human by the idiot at home if the departed had been anything but full of she would not have left us so unexpectedly you don t really think for a moment do you that the would lend us their cook or that she would come or that i would ask them said mrs idiot well i suppose not said the idiot i suppose not but i don t see why first the as our neighbors ought to be willing to get us out of our trouble second we don t ask their cook to come for nothing by coming she will receive an addition to her wages which will help her to a policeman with a moderate fortune some day when she him as for your asking mrs to lend us her cook for a few hours that is the main objection when one one must give and it may be that it would you to offer as security for the safe return of the cook anyhow i see weak points in my plan and we d better abandon it if the cook is the only available in the neighborhood we d better stop where we are when we dined at by who was it asked mrs idiot by by the idiot at home last week i went away feeling that ought to collect fire on that dinner it wasn t cooked it was a plain case of it was at this precise moment when poor mrs idiot was beginning to despair of getting any advice of value from her husband that the bell rang and the idiot rose up to answer the call he said old man he added that you glad to see you yes he continued after a pause of course we expect you seven o clock sharp he remarked a moment later you ll surely be here then after a second pause he added good you can stay all night if you wish we ve plenty of room who was it asked mrs idiot as the idiot hung up the of the the poet replied the idiot he wanted to know at what hour dinner was oh dear cried mrs idiot why f by the idiot at home didn t you tell him the dinner isn t for to night but to morrow night didn t need to my dear said the idiot lighting a we ve made a slight mistake you invited these people it now appears for the certainly said mrs idiot well my love said the idiot with an affectionate glance to day is the ah the twenty eighth mrs idiot drew a sigh of relief she cried what a blessing i wonder how i got so mixed it s economy perhaps suggested the idiot if you will insist on buying out of date and last year s at bargain because they are cheap i don t really see how you can expect to up with the times mrs idiot laughed heartily her relief of mind was unmistakable what would you have done john if this had really been the night she asked later oh i don t know said the idiot i think should have taken you to new york to dinner and our guests into believing they had come up on the by the idiot at home wrong night it is very easy for a host to put his guests in the | 27 |
wrong if he wants to i don t but if i must i must as it was the family dinner that night was a great success in spite of the absence of the cook because mrs idiot who is an expert with the dish found several odds and ends in the late cook s which under her expert became dishes which the idiot said afterwards remained long in the memory without proving too permanent a tax upon the by on the maintenance of an the idiot had been laid up for a week that is to say he was too to attend to business at his office and the family physician thought it would be a good idea if his patient would be content to remain quietly indoors for a little while to this the idiot cheerfully consented if there is one thing that i can do to perfection he said it is resting some men are born leisurely some achieve leisure and some are discharged by their i belong to the first two classes i can never become one of the third class because being my own employer i am naturally pleased with myself and am not likely to dispense with my own services and so he stayed at home and for a week about the house as he put it and he had a glorious time by the idiot at home what are you going to do with yourself this morning dear asked mrs idiot on the morning of the first day i ve got to go to market and there are one or two other little things to be attended to which will keep me out for some hours do you think you can amuse yourself while i am out well i don t know said the idiot i can try of course you know my dear that i am a good deal of a baby yet however if you can trust me to stay all by my for two or three hours i ll try to behave i promise not to take the piano apart and i vow i won t steal any jam and i sha n t float hair in the bath tub pretending that they are looking for and i ll try to be good but i can t make any promises mrs idiot smiled as an indulgent guardian should and went forth the idiot stayed at home and enjoyed himself what he did is perhaps best indicated by his remarks some time later at a tea at which mr and mrs and mr brief the lawyer were present mrs said the idiot did you ever have an by the idiot at home a what demanded the naturally somewhat an said the idiot a favored spot wherein to to root to why yes said mrs after a moment of deliberation i have had an but it never seemed to me to be a particularly interesting spot used it as a sort of store room for s i didn t know what to do with useless things suggested mr entirely so the good lady then if they are useless why keep them the idiot useless things might better be thrown away than stored away even in an oh as for that rejoined mrs they were useless in the sense that there was nothing i could do with them and yet there was generally some quality of association or something about them that so appealed to me that i couldn t quite throw them away or even bring myself to give them away that is the idea said the idiot one s cherished possessions are often stored away up stairs and forgotten and by i cr ij r ci i set off a his chair by by the idiot at home then sometimes years after you ll go about the house for lack of some other employment an old trunk a wooden box will be in the and then what a flood of memories will come rushing back over you as the objects come to light one by one i have had much the same experience said mr brief in what i might term my professional we keep a room for the of old papers and strange in turn up there frequently that bring back old time in a most interesting fashion i suppose then observed mr with a shrug of contempt that the is in your estimation a sort of for family that s about it said the idiot you ought to see mine there are from the ark in mine i ve got all the portraits of my relatives up there and such a gallery of looking individuals you never saw there s uncle who hated me because i set off a giant under his chair one fourth of july and who from that day vowed i was bom to be hanged and who by the idiot at home sent me a portrait of himself the following christmas that seems to me to show a kindly feeling not one of hatred towards you suggested mrs oh no said the idiot with a laugh you never knew my dear old uncle he sent it in a pure spirit of revenge he had to send something and he picked out the one thing he had reason to know i didn t want and he was likewise aware that my mother had a sense of tiie and would hang that portrait upon the wall of my bedroom whence it could stare at me still when i became the head of my own house i did not take a mean spirited revenge on uncle s portrait by selling it to one of the comic papers with a joke under it i gave it the warmest most comfortable spot i could find for it under a pile of old magazines in the and the other day when it came to light again i greeted | 27 |
it with an affectionate smile and the picture of the old gentleman rising hurriedly from over the giant on that long forgotten fourth brought vividly to mind by the portrait brought tears to my eyes i laugh by by by the idiot at home ed so heartily it really was very affecting mr gazed at the idiot fondly you are a great boy he said you d never suspect it but i had a similar case of uncle but the years i have lived since have softened my feelings so that i remember my old relative with a certain degree of affection i shall never believe my dear john said mrs that in your day boys ever placed giant under their chairs we never did my love mr responded quickly why of course not laughed the idiot they couldn t you know they hadn t been invented what was your trouble with uncle mr oh our difference of opinion was rather of an import replied mr my uncle was a preacher and he used to speak entirely from notes which he would make out the night before and place in the pocket of his black coat all i did was to take the notes of his next day s sermon out of his pocket one saturday evening and put in their stead a ah a for what we by the idiot at home called washington pie and a very good pie it was john ejaculated mrs i did my dear confessed the and really i have never regretted it although my particular uncle gave me a and dreary lecture on my certain future when he found out what had happened yet what did happen though intended resulted in great good for when the dear old gentleman stood up in the pulpit and started to preach the next morning with the for a washington pie as the only available note at hand he pulled himself together and preached off hand the finest sermon of his life and he discovered then the secret of his after success he became known ultimately as one of the most brilliant of his time and from that moment never went into the pulpit with any to his memory you mean don t you asked the idiot that is what college boys call them i believe said mr i will say further that a year before he died my uncle told me that it was my mis by ff iy to with the for a washington by by the idiot at home act that had given him the hint which became the of his eloquence he added complacently i shall always remember him affectionate of course said the idiot no doubt we all remember our uncle affectionately i certainly do he was my mother s brother and he meant well i never really blamed him for not knowing how to with a boyish because there has never been a school of instructions for is about the hardest hood man has to wear and as i have observed and their habits they either spoil or the small and who happen to be made their and by an accident of birth are either intensely genial or intensely irritable and as far as i am concerned it is my belief that our should include in their a chair of is a relationship that man has to accept it is thrust upon him he can t help himself to be a father or a mother is a matter of but even in a free country like our own if a man has a brother or a sister he is liable to find him g by the idiot at home self an uncle at any time whether he wishes to be one or not then when it happens he s got to reason out a course of without any basis in previous experience why don t you write a book on hints to or the complete aunt suggested mr brief i have no doubt it would make good reading thanks for the idea said the idiot i think i ll do it not in the hope of profit but for the benefit of the race what has all this to do with asked mrs idiot the natural resting place of the bad uncle explained the idiot still i maintain that it is every man s duty to keep an for the useless things as mrs calls them which some day when he least expects it will carry his mind back to other days the word itself carries the mind back to the of and other things that are out of date when i was ill i found pleasure in you can t in a library if your library is properly looked after you can t in a bedroom in a well kept house you all know what designed by the idiot at home largely for the reception of people who come out to call upon you in their best sunday clothes and who would never think of calling upon you intimately as a friend might in his you can t there the only place where one may with any degree of success is in the and my experience has been such that i believe my recent illness has contributed to my health my mind has been carried back to conditions that used to be conditions which existed then and which were inferior to conditions which now prevail make me satisfied with the present where old time conditions were better than the existing one i have naturally discovered how to improve therefore is improving to the mind and to one s contentment then there are good economical reasons for the maintenance of an the idiot continued i found enough old boyhood of various things there to keep and happy for years without my having to pay out a penny for birthday presents old old old picture papers and | 27 |
by by the idiot at home said the idiot if you d labored over those five as hard and as we did nursing them through their infant troubles guarding them against and carefully watching their development from infancy into the full vigor of a mature i guess you d know your own from those of others it s instinct my dear tell about the pa said who liked to hear his father talk in which respect i fear he takes strongly after his parent well said the idiot it s not much of a story there was one we had a patch twenty feet by ten we had plenty of straw and plenty of patch but the were timid about appearing the results were similar to those in our venture one was discovered to hide itself under half a of straw one morning and while i was looking for mrs idiot to ask her to come down to the garden and see it grow a miserable robin came along and bit its whole interior out i hope the bird enjoyed it because on a bed rock estimate that cost twenty dollars that is by the idiot at home one of the things about that make me especially weary one doesn t mind spending forty four dollars on a stalk of that is eaten even by a member of one s own family but to pay twenty dollars for a to be wasted on a fifteen cent robin is to say the least you forget john said mrs idiot with a somewhat look in her eyes that we got fifteen boxes out of the patch later no i don t said the idiot i was coming to that and it a confession you were so blue about the loss of our one beautiful that i entered into a conspiracy with michael to make that patch yield the fifteen boxes of that we took out subsequently were bought at a new york fruit store and scattered about the patch where you would find them i had hoped you would never find it out but when you spoke the other day of thirty eight dollars on that patch next year i resolved then to you this is the first favorable opportunity i have had mrs idiot laughed heartily i knew by the idiot at home it all along she said michael came to me with them and asked for instructions as to where to put them i ah i arranged them under the straw myself what an ass a hired man can be ejaculated the idiot i shall discharge michael to morrow i wish you would said mrs idiot ever since the conspiracy he has been entirely too independent don t discharge michael papa said he s awful nice he s always to stop anything he s doing to play with and me you bet he is i cried he s a is he never says a word when i sit under the and he told me the other day that his grandfather would have been king of ireland if queen victoria hadn t come in he said the queen was a lady and his grandfather gave up his seat to her because he was a gentleman and couldn t do anything else very well said the idiot then i won t discharge michael one feels a better american a better republican if he has a royal personage in his by the idiot at home employ i always wondered where michael got his imperious manner now i know as a of a long line of kings it could not be otherwise i will give him another chance but let me give you all fair warning if next summer michael does not succeed in producing from my garden four ten of peas three string beans and less than ten thousand he goes i shall not pay a gardener forty dollars a month unless he can raise three dollars worth of vegetables a year but really said mr haven t you raised anything in your garden oh yes said the idiot raised my water bill in the garden i used to pay twelve dollars a quarter for water but now the bills come to at least twenty five dollars truly a garden is not without profit to some one by vii household yes said the idiot in response to an inquiry from the poet who was passing a sunday with him at castle idiot i have found that there is a great deal of poetry in the apparently little things of a household there is to me as much poetry in a as there is in a snow clad if you only have an eye to find it and i am sure that to thousands of the whole land over a to a clothes pin written by one who knows the clothes pin s nature intimately would be far more appealing tha a similar number of lines trying to prove that we are all miserable flitting across a of woe the poet pulled away thoughtfully at his pipe he was a broad minded poet and while he had never owned a of his own he was ready to admit its by the idiot at home but he could not follow his friend closely enough to admit that it contained as much that was inspiring as did for instance a bright particular of which he was very fond the idiot continued a ton of coal contains far more warmth than a woman s sends the mind of a thoughtful person chasing backward to the time when it lay hid in the fair breast of nature to the joys and woes of the who it through a variety of of life every one of them with noble thoughts yet who ever wrote dainty verses to a ton of coal and who hasn t at one time or another in his life written about the eyebrows | 27 |
of some woman the poet laughed this time a to a ton of coal would be a glorious thing now wouldn t it he observed no said the idiot a could never be a glorious thing under any circumstances but to the extent that a ton of coal contains a certain amount of grandeur in the service it renders to mankind i think the form would be somewhat by the substance let s try it by iii thk joys and woes of thk who it by f by the idiot at home you do it said the poet i really don t think i could do the subject justice the idiot got out a pencil and a of paper and began i don t think i ll make it a he said after biting the end of his pencil for a few moments a whole ton is a good deal to into a i ll just make it a plain of the go as variety instead eh in the manner of perhaps suggested the poet just so said the idiot in the manner of in fact i think the manner of is the only manner for the poetic description of a ton of coal he began to on the i m going to call this content he said in a few moments contentment strikes me as the main lesson a ton of coal teaches he on and in four or five minutes he put down his pencil and read the following lines i m glad i m not as men are always worrying about something and often about nothing about what was and what wasn t i by the idiot at home about what may be and what might have been wondering whether when they are called upon to do their duty they ll be able to do it and generally deciding they won t to their own discomfort and if so be they re women from till night from night till mom shall they be clothed and if their hats are on straight yea i am glad i am not like one of these but am myself a ton of coal in my blackness and luminous in my lying here in the cellar content and not a bit not income or clothes and wearing no hat and with no complexion to bother about happy and serene about my duty certain that i shall succeed when the time for action comes knowing that i shall burn and in the burning glow like the star and hissing and smoking full of heat a satisfaction to mankind and never worth less than delivered ah me what bliss to be a ton of coal i am content the poet nodded his pleasure at the effort it is put he said i must confess my dear idiot that the idea of contentment is the last by for though i m but a afar from and strife no one can truly at that mine s a by by the idiot at home one that i should ever have extracted from contemplation of a of and yet when i consider how you put it i wonder it has not occurred to every one you have the manner of the down fine too thank you said the idiot it is entirely natural to me i think too that using the lack of form carries with it the notion of the coal sliding down the don t you coal runs into the cellar in such an way eh precisely smiled the poet you have the right notion about that the form of a poem should really be adapted to the substance it should be descriptive always s charge of the light has in its nothing more or less than the clatter of the horses hoofs as they and their dashed through the valley of death at and how vividly s brook comes before the in its mad rush downward as one reads that wonderfully poem why don t you write a book of household poetry you seem to me to be eminently well qualified to undertake it by the idiot at home i intend to said the idiot in fact i ve begun it already written five or six like to see em indeed i should said the poet anything you do interests me the idiot went to his desk and took from it a few pages of manuscript here is a thing on i did the other night i called it the song of the bold and then he read these lines of the grate am i ever standing near au day long knowing naught of fear keeping coals up to their work setting them not the heat rather like it so knocking ashes right and left with the and seeing that the brazen kettle and the little girls and boys as they watch me pause wishing that i d talk and tell bout old jokes with on the merry hearth happy lot indeed is mine of the grate by the idiot at home splendid cried the poet clapping his hands with enthusiasm splendid a good stiff and your of the as the of the grate gives it a flavor of romance you could almost imagine the going out into a world in search of adventure a sort of hearth stone have you the clothes pin yet yes replied the idiot indeed my first effort was a on the i started one night to do the contents of the kitchen drawer in french forms but the first thing i took out was an egg and it wouldn t go so i did the clothes pin i call it fidelity blow ye winds i fear ye not blast ye and hot and too blow i have no fear of you lacking beauty lacking grace by the idiot at home lacking handsome form and face lacking soul and intellect still i stand up | 27 |
proud erect for the have given me wondrous great and success both fair and fine comes to him who holds his line can stick and so can too but there s nothing holds so fast as the clothes pin to the last and you gave up the egg altogether asked the poet a natural inclination to find in the construction of the clothes pin poem oh no said the idiot i knocked off a little on that i called it the speedy egg and it goes like this by l should hesitate to try to drive a can al boat by by the idiot at home great s can beat all however speedy be their legs but i distance her with ease when it comes t beating eggs i really think that you would have done better to give up the egg said the poet grown critical i ve no patience with one now if you had written great s can beat all however speedy be their legs but despite her deeds i can beat her beating eggs i should not have objected i accept the replied the idiot meekly i realized the weakness of the thing myself and thought of changing it into a where you only need one rhyme how s this on a carpet tack however dull the day however dull the skies however dark the night may be my spirits ever rise for though i m but a carpet tack afar from and strife no one can ever truly say that mine s a life that is very good said the poet by the idiot at home i think almost any editor of any comic paper would be willing to pay you three dollars for that it is as good as your poem on a ton of coal simple in its expression and sweet in sentiment i thought think so said the idiot it struck me so i ve got one on a screw driver too that is very much of the same order and a moral lesson to the reader who is always reaching out after the it reads as follows i cannot tool a ho i cannot drive a i dare not hold the ribbons on a hack or drag i could not guide the reins upon a simple goat and i should hesitate to try to drive a can al boat but i don t mind these things at all for can drive a screw and i am happy for that s just what i was meant to do the fourth line of the second verse is weak but otherwise it s good commented the poet it s not a can al boat it s a can boat and all the poetic li by i haven t ever had a home i ve always by by the idiot at home in the world wouldn t excuse your taking such a liberty with language i appreciate that said the idiot but i don t see how i could get around it there s only one way said the poet i think if you omitted that verse altogether you d improve the poem then i should have to the goat said the idiot that takes a great deal of humor out of it i always laugh when i encounter a beast like that in poetry he seems so helpless when in a poem that may be observed the poet but it is my belief that the goat of all animals in the kingdom was the last one designed to be used in poetry anyhow he is bad enough in prose and in this case will butt your poem to oblivion if you insist on keeping him in it any more no said the idiot that s the last well you ve got a good start said the poet rising to light his pipe which had gone out and if i were you i d go on and finish the book the idiot s book of household poetry would have by the idiot at home a great sale it has but one that i can see you harp on one string too much every one of your poems contentment satisfaction nothing else that said the idiot is not an objection but a virtue for what other lesson he added with a glance of pride at his surroundings what other lesson my dear poet should a home try to teach and what other sentiment can mean so much to mankind i don t know said the poet with a little sigh i haven t ever had a home i ve always whereupon the idiot rose up from his chair and putting his arm about his friend s shoulder said how you do talk never had a home my dear fellow what s this it s yours as long as it s mine i by viii some consideration of the hired man who is that sitting down on your court mr idiot asked mr brief the lawyer or is it anybody i ve been trying for the last half hour to make out whether it s a man or one of those iron figures with which some people their that replied the idiot calmly is my hired man i pay him forty dollars a month to sit down there and let the grass grow under his feet i heard you and mr discussing the wonderful of my lawn after dinner last night and i meant to have told you then that the credit thereof belongs entirely to the nature of that man s soul he will stand for hours rooted to one spot and looking with apparent out over the river to most people this would seem k by the idiot at home to be prompted by a sheer to work but this would do him a rank injustice for his is due entirely to his system he is letting the grass grow beneath | 27 |
him and the fact that our grass is so flourishing everywhere is due to his having stood for hours at various times over every square inch of territory to which i hold the the idiot gazed out of the window at his with affectionate admiration he certainly closely to his system said the lawyer he is a model said the idiot he has done more to make my life here easy than any one in my service for instance you know the of existence in town i go to my office in the morning and whether i have much work or little to do i come home in the afternoon absolutely worn out the constant and bustling of others in the city wears upon my mind and consequently upon my body the rush and roar of and electric cars the activity of messengers running to and fro in the streets the weary horses dragging great up and down the crowded by va l feel that i could out and three of grass by by the idiot at home all affect my nature and my energy and then the day s work done i return here where all is quiet and still and the very contrast between that man standing silently on his appointed spot or leaning against the house or lying off in sheer content under some tree and the mad scramble for in the city my tired body until i feel that i could go out and three acres of grass before dinner in fact i generally do i did not know that a nature was a requisite of a successful career as a hired man said mr it is evident then that you have never had a hired man rejoined the idiot nor can you ever have studied the species at close range ceaseless activity would be his ruin if he did to day all there is to do he would be out of employment to morrow consequently he never does to day s work to day and that leisurely attitude towards life upon which you have commented do you see that small tree over there he added pointing to a little whose sole virtue appeared to be its rigid by the idiot at home is that a tree asked mr brief i thought it was a garden stake it is a tree said the idiot i planted it myself last autumn and while it has as yet borne no i think if we give it time and it the of the climate it will produce its fruit but it was not of its possibilities as a bearing tree that i intended to speak i wanted to indicate to you by a material object the value of having a hired man who likes to lean against things at the close of this last winter that tree instead of being as erect as a as it now is was all the strong winds which are constantly blowing across that open stretch bent the thing until it seemed that the tree was bound to be but overcame the difficulty he would go out day after day and sit down beside it and lean against it for two and three hours at a time with the result that the tendency to curve was overcome and a tree that i feared was doomed to fail now bids fair to resemble a successful telegraph pole in its and of course the added warmth of his body pressing down upon the earth which by would out oat day and sit down it by by the idiot at home covers its roots gave it an added impulse to grow it is a wonderful system smiled mr brief i wonder it is not adopted everywhere it is pretty much said the idiot most hired men do the same thing i don t think from others of his kind of course there are exceptions my neighbor for instance has a man who is so that he makes everybody tired he is up every morning s lawn at five o clock waking up every sleepy soul within ear shot with the incessant and disturbing of his machine would never think of making such a nuisance of himself s lawn is kept so close that the grass doesn t get any and in the heat of turns to a dull brick red after a pause during which the company seemed to be deeply the philosophical bearing of the subject under discussion the idiot resumed there is another aspect of this matter he said which s man brings to my mind you know as well as by the idiot at home i do that heat is if you feel as cool as a and then all of a sudden see somebody who is dripping with perspiration and looking for all the world like a human kettle on a kitchen range you begin to yourself it is mere sympathy of course but you just the same get uncomfortable and hot in the collar and are shortly as badly off as the other fellow so it is with s man time and time again he has spoiled all my pleasure by making me realize by a glance at his red face and arms how hot it is when before i had seen him i felt tolerably comfortable on the other hand is not so and i am confident would let the grass grow a mile high before he would consent to interfere with my temperature by pushing the up and down the lawn on a day do you keep this interesting specimen of still life all through the year asked mr brief or do you give him a in winter i should think he would be worn out with all this standing around for nothing that i know of is more tiresome than doing nothing by l than off foot path by by the idiot at home no said | 27 |
the idiot seems to need a sitting down and leaning against things and standing around don t seem to tire him in the least it might tire yon or me but you see he s used to it the only effect it has on him as i view the matter is that it wears out his clothes it doesn t his lack of vigor at all so by the simple act of occasionally his wardrobe which i do every time i a suit of my own i revive his wasted vitality and he does not require to be sent to europe or to take an extended tour in the white mountains to i keep him all through the winter and his system is quite the same then as in summer except that he does his sitting around and leaning indoors instead of in the open i suppose he looks after the furnace and keeps the walks clear of snow in winter time suggested mr who was beginning to take an interest in this personage yes said the idiot and he to the windows as well as a of the furnace he is invaluable my house is as cool as a roof garden all through the winter and thanks to his to by the idiot at home over exert himself coal into the furnace i burn only about half as much as my neighbors and my house is never this in itself is an indication of the virtue of s method one half of the contracted by children nowadays are the result of houses s method gives me a cool house at very moderate expense owing to the great saving of coal the children do not get because of and the expense of having a doctor every other day is averted then his snow scheme goes back to the first principles of nature is not by and instead of following the steps of other men who the snow entirely off he off a to enable me to go to business and then sits down and the sun while it the balance sometimes if the sun does not do the work promptly enough to suit him he gets up little for the children he up certain portions of the walk into equal parts and starts the small boys on a race to see which one will get the portion assigned to him cleaned off first the prize being something in the nature of an apple which the cook orders from the market i by the idiot at home believe my son thomas won ten apples last winter although i am told that the boy whose father s man is cross and on doing all the work himself is the champion snow of the street yes he is pa put in owes him apples i only won eight well that is a very good record thomas said the idiot and i will see to it next winter you have a snow with which to enter the contest lets us chop the wood too said suddenly perceiving a chance to put in a good word for the genial i think he s the hired man as ever was he ll stop anything he s doing to talk to me ventured not wishing to be backward in laying wreaths upon the brow of their friend yes i have noticed that said the idiot indeed next to his extreme there is no quality that i know of in that shines out so as his intense love for children he will neglect his own interests as has by the idiot at home suggested to talk to the little ones and i rather like him for it no boy dares go near the man who has exerted himself into a perpetual state of nervous exhaustion well if he your windows that is something observed mrs whose experience in keeping a years before entitled her to speak as one having authority unless his system is the same in that work as in the other branches committed to his care said mr brief it isn t quite said the idiot he really does exert himself in window cleaning i have frequently seen him spend a whole day on one window his system is a very ingenious one nevertheless it is indeed said mrs idiot with a show of feeling a new window washing system grinned mr yes said the idiot it is his own invention he them on the outside in summer and on the inside in winter the result is this glass which you see you would hardly guess that these windows are of french plate by spend a whole i ay on one window by by the idiot at home we don t mind so much i couldn t ask him to wash them on the outside in winter it is so dreadfully cold and in the summer of course they are always open and no one unless he were disagreeable enough to go about after unpleasant details would notice that they are not and you pay this man forty dollars for this demanded mr brief oh for this and other things i pay him two dollars a month for the work he does i pay him ten dollars a month because he s good to the children i pay him ten dollars more for his civility which is he always puts his hat on when he comes into the house having noticed perhaps that only those who are my social equals are entitled to appear in my presence and the other eighteen persisted the lawyer by nature a cross well i don t grudge him that because a sort of a fond light lit up the idiot s eyes as he gazed down upon still sitting on the court i don t grudge him that other eighteen dollars because it costs twenty dollars a month to live and he uses the rest of | 27 |
it to put his by the idiot at home boy through college so that when he grows up to be a man he will be something more than a hired man ah said mr brief yes said the idiot i found that out from a third party some time ago and i thought after all i d keep him for i know nobody else would have him and then what would become of the boy in college by ix on social accounts it s rather strange i think observed mrs idiot one evening as she and the idiot sat down to dine that the haven t been here for three or four months i ve noticed it myself said the idiot we used to see em every day about what s up you and had a fight not that i know of said mrs idiot the last time we met she was very cordial and asked most affectionately after you and the children i presumed that possibly you and dick had had some kind of a falling out not a bit of it dick and i couldn t quarrel any more than you and could perhaps as we grow older our differ s rather in her talks isn t she by the idiot at home a trifle said mrs idiot and musical and literary and scientific while you the idiot well i m fond of again laughed the idiot i guess that s it when a woman wants to talk about the origin of the species and has to hear about a splendid and her observations upon the are invariably interrupted by upon the morals of and her of end in a discussion of the st s she s apt to shy off into a more congenial atmosphere don t you think i am sure retorted mrs idiot that while i admit i am more interested in than in anything else outside of you and the children i can and do talk sometimes of other things than and beautiful drives and you are very much mistaken if you think otherwise that is very true my dear said the idiot and nobody knows it better than i do i ve heard you talk about lots of things besides and and and drives but you don t know anything about the men of the by well i m fond op by by the idiot at home stone age and you couldn t tell the difference between a and a any more than i you have no patience with so that when asks if you like you are more likely than not to say that you never ate any but on the whole for small fish prefer mrs idiot laughed no indeed she replied i d fall back on if mentioned to me you may remember that you sent it to me when we were engaged and i loved you so much then that i read it if i hadn t loved you i couldn t have done it well smiled the idiot what did you think of it i think had a good lie but he said mrs idiot with her eyes and the idiot subsided for at least ten seconds i wish you d say that to some time he observed it s so very true and put with an originality which cannot but appeal to the most hardened of literary women i will if i ever get the chance said mrs idiot by the idiot at home suppose we make the chance suggested the idiot let s go down there and call to night i ll work the conversation up so that you can get that off as an no said mrs idiot i don t think we d better in the first place mrs told me yesterday that is to read a paper on before the s f m e to morrow evening and on friday morning she is to discuss the influence of on de before the musical mothers meeting and on saturday afternoon she is going to have an tea at her house which she is to open with some speculations as to whether in the period were to the use of great scott said the idiot this is her busy week tolerably so said mrs idiot she has probably reserved this evening to read up on for to morrow s essay so i think my dear we d better not go eight as usual said the idiot and then he added poor who is taking care of him now i think said mrs idiot that possibly mrs has the con by t ti an tea by by the idiot at home tract for looking after her husband and children to the united states housekeeping company limited the idiot gazed wife and awaited an explanation an organization my dear she continued formed by a number of and who having lost their husbands begin to appreciate their virtues and who finding themselves sympathetic when it is too late are themselves to the husbands of others who are neglected a of five hundred dollars will secure the of all the domestic arrangements of a home engagement and discharge of house cleaning buttons on done care of flowers duties generally for one thousand dollars they will bring up the children and see that the baby is rocked to sleep every night and interested in and poems like joseph s coat of many colors and tom tom the s son this an advanced woman like mrs to devote her mornings to the her to the public and her evenings to the functions by the idiot at home she may read the papers which her devotion to the and the has brought forth excuse me my dear said the idiot rising i wish to dr for what for whom demanded the lady you of course returned the idiot you are developing alarming symptoms you give every indication of | 27 |
servants found you were right bill cried the idiot what bill why the one mrs idiot sent this said taking a piece of paper out of his pocket good joke the idiot took up the piece of paper it was type written on s machine and read as follows november mr and mrs richard to mr and mrs idiot dr september evening call account please by the idiot at home great scott laughed the idiot my dear said the idiot after the had gone that bill of yours was a great idea it wasn t my idea at all it was yours said mrs idiot laughing you said we ought to be business like to the last and send out a statement on the first of the month i sent it and they paid up richard said mrs as they drove home did you get a receipt by as to i am very glad i didn t take and to church with me this morning said mrs idiot on her return from service it would have broken their hearts to have heard the sermon i don t know what gets into dr sometimes he gave us a blast about a blast about eh said the idiot and how did he blast the good old saint he said he was a lie rejoined mrs idiot indignantly and that it was the duty of every christian in the land to see that the lie was exposed great heavens i cried the idiot in astonishment doesn t dr believe in poor old how much he has lost did he say by the idiot at home anything about hop o my thumb and no of course not why should he returned mrs idiot oh because i suppose that a man who doesn t believe in is a on the subject of hop o my thumb and and and jack the giant and all the rest of that noble army of childhood friends explained the idiot he didn t mention them said mrs he s going to preach a series of sermons on lies i presume said the idiot he s first as being the most of the lot eh jack the giant ought to be a good subject for a attack well he pulled poor old to pieces said mrs idiot with a sigh why didn t you bring me a piece of him as a demanded the idiot just a lock of his hair for my collection of what was done with the remains mrs idiot laughed as she pulled over her gloves and smoothed them upon her lap by the idiot at home there weren t any remains she answered when dr got through with him there wasn t a of the old chap left to begin with he was a lie the doctor said then he went on and showed that he was a partial old fellow a very he called him because he gives fine things to the children of the rich and little or nothing to the children of the poor he filled the little folk with hope and brought them disappointment and so on it was a powerful sermon although i wanted to weep over it go ahead and weep said the idiot it s the appropriate thing to do i don t wonder you wanted to cry you ve always liked dr of course said mrs idiot and you hate to see him make a ah a well you know of himself in the pulpit and i quite agree with you i rather like myself it is too bad to see a well meaning man like that his brains out against the rock of whether suicide is sin or not what has put him in this mood do you suppose he has heard heard what demanded mrs idiot by the idiot at home about the slippers said the idiot what slippers asked his wife oh the same old slippers said the idiot you know the ones i mean the ones he s going to get from i m not surprised after all if i were a minister and realized that of embroidered slippers of every size and color covered with of red jumping over of yellow with split for eyes set in over the toe were to be in my front yard every christmas eve by that old i think i too would set him down as a fraud or an anyhow that s exaggerated a comic paper idea said mrs idiot i don t believe the average clergyman gets so many slippers dr only got eight pairs last christmas is that all cried the idiot mercy what a small income of slippers dear me how can he live with only eight pairs of slippers but after all slippers are an appropriate gift for a clergyman he added and should be with that fact slippers have and the more slippers he gets the by got eight pairs last by by the idiot at home easier it is to save their and my dear you are said mrs idiot not at all rejoined the idiot i am merely trying to sit on two at once to retain my respect for dr without giving up my everlasting regard for if i can t do both i am very much afraid it will be dr and not who will go to the wall in this establishment and that would be sad i can t say i think much of the doctor s logic do you i didn t notice his logic mrs idiot replied very likely said the idiot from what you tell me of his discourse i imagine he must have left it at home which is a bad thing to do in an argument to begin he called a lie did he yes said he didn t exist at all good then how could | 27 |
he have been a why while of course i have no sympathy with his conclusions dr handled that point pretty well it certainly is true that in the homes of the rich there is a of gifts that you don t by the idiot at home find in the homes of the poor and therefore treats the rich better than he does the poor we all know that hum said the idiot and so it is who is the eh and not fortune well dr did not touch upon that all he said was that was a for high society and in many cases absolutely the but i don t see how said the idiot suppose he brings a diamond to the daughter of a precisely said the idiot and a china doll to the daughter of a carpenter said mrs idiot that s tact not said the idiot what would the daughter of a carpenter do with a diamond the china doll is not only more appropriate but a better well anyhow he gives richly to those that have and if at all to those that haven t dr said said mrs idiot there is authority for that observed the idiot i wonder if dr reads his bible perhaps i d by a china doll to the daughter of a t r by by the idiot at home better send him one for christmas instead of a pair of he ll find in the bible that to him that hath shall be given and so forth but to return to the logic i told you i didn t notice it said mrs idiot nor did dr my dear passed it by as if it were a poor relation apparently but this is true a lie is an truth alone lives therefore an does not live is a lie and does not live and is a according to our reverend now how can one who does not live be a or anything else truly i wish dr would be more careful in his statements as a in his church i do not like to hear him something that does not exist as having unworthy qualities it s like shaking a sword at nothing and patting yourself on the back afterwards for your courage still more in this instance is it like your poor mortal head against the hard surface of an everlasting rock and our clergy should be in better business let em fight the lies the lies of false social ideas as by by the idiot at home distinctions of holding for instance the man who sits in the front of the church is no better than the man who sits at the back and is frequently his inferior but has he more or has he less influence the man who hands in his check for ten thousand dollars having that and more to spare is not more the friend of religion and christianity than the poor beggar who in and puts his penny in the plate thus by one fifth his capital suppose is in a material sense a fancy or a lie heaven help dr if he can t see the beauty and the value of the deception is he not the of the golden rule and is he not after all god bless him and them something beautiful in the eyes of the children i m and i know it but there are some things i cling to he added after a pause is one of them and dr can preach through all eternity and with all due respect to him he can t remove from my mind the beauty of an idea that was planted there by two people who were practical enough my father and my mother i ve inherited and i m not going by q ic had a good v by by the idiot at home to give him up and no preacher in our church or in the church of others can take him away from me by one sermon or by an infinite number of sermons however sincere they may be is dinner ready dinner was ready it was eaten and after it the children went to sunday school from this returned with a swollen which later became dark pop he said addressing tho idiot as he entered the house i replied the idiot observing the swollen eye had a good time v said the boy pretty good been fighting suggested the idiot not so very much said the boy only a little and he began to sing a popular air as if he didn t care much about life in general and didn t mind an aching eye which was rapidly by its giving away the fact that he had met with trouble what did you learn at asked the idiot more blessed to give than to receive said good said the idiot i hope you by the idiot at home will remember that there is no satisfaction in all the world like that of giving if you can afford it i think tho too said sitting down on her father s lap with the contented sigh of a little girl who has discovered that life is not all an illusion i gave my away to day papa she added she only and hath her now she was a care and i m glad to be ridden of her but the idiot s mind was not on and he showed it his boy s eye proved a greater care come here my boy he said the boy approached how did this happen the idiot asked your eye is swollen oh i don t know cried said there wasn t no well i said there was an then i gave him one on the end of his nose here the boy struggled away from his father as if he had done something he was willing to | 27 |
stand by let me understand this said the idiot said by i gave my away to day by by the idiot at home there any interrupted then what did you say asked the idiot i told him he didn t know what he was talking about said why did you say that because he was wrong papa said i ve seen i saw him last year ah you did eh i was not aware of that fact began to laugh you can t fool me he said climbing his father s knee of course i ve seen him and he s the in all the world you re and a followed later on mrs idiot and the idiot sat together the latter was deep in thought children have queer notions said he after a while they are generally pretty right though observed mrs idiot you are a pretty good after all she added said the idiot rising i believe in because he represents the spirit of the hour and whoever tries to by the idiot at home turn him down tries to down that spirit the most blessed thing we have let s keep the children believing in eh i agree said mrs idiot for the secret is out yon are to them heaven grant i may always be as much said the idiot for if a father is and a boy or a girl believes in as a friend as a companion as something that brings them only sincerity and love and sympathy then may we feel that tiny tim s prayer has been answered and that god has blessed ns all by l i t mi i xi as to new s day it was new year s eve and mr and mrs idiot their old friends were watching the old year die the old year had been a fairly successful one for them all and they were properly mournful over its but the promise of the new was sufficiently bright to their sorrow what a life is after all ejaculated the idiot mr started nervously the remark was so that even its source seemed to make it i don t quite catch your drift said he as the man said when ail of snow fell off his neighbor s roof and missed him by an inch said the idiot why just think a moment doctor and my drift will you look about by the idiot at home you and consider what we have ourselves to night if that does not prove life a series of then i don t know what a is twenty minutes ago we were all gladness over the prosperity of the year gone by five minutes ago we were all on the verge of tears because the good old year is going the way of all years an hour from now we will be the new two thick of joy with a thin of grief between ah said mr i see there is something in the after all the bread of joy and the ham of sorrow as you might put it do make up the sum of human existence but in some cases my lad i am afraid you will find there is only one of bread to two of ham no doubt replied the idiot but that does not affect my proposition that life is a if one of ham between two of bread is a ham why is not one of bread between two of ham a bread what is a anyhow the dictionary says that a is something placed between two other things hence by i r m don t quite catch your drift by by the idiot at home all things are because there is nothing in the world the world being round that is not between two other things therefore all things being life is a q e d is life a thing demanded mr certainly said the idiot and a mighty good thing too if you don t believe it look the word thing up in the dictionary all things are things but continued the his old spirit of rising up in his breast granted that life is a thing what is it between so that it becomes a the past and the future said the idiot it is a of the immediate between a of past and one of future mr laughed you are still the same old idiot he said yes said the idiot and i and truth are the three things in this life and that s why i am so happy i m in such good company and truth are good enough companions for anybody meanwhile and who o by the idiot at home had been allowed to sit up upon this rare occasion stirred uneasily ith i a v said the little girl raising her head from her father s shoulder and gazing into his eyes yes indeed you are said her father giving her an affectionate squeeze a sugar you re really good enough to eat well i d rather be a pie put in an apple pie very well my son returned the idiot have your own way henceforth be a pie if you prefer an apple pie but may i ask why you express this preference oh because said if i m to be an apple pie somebody s got to fill me full of apple the son of his father observed mr i think it is a pity mrs put in at point that some of th good old customs of the new year have gone out as to which mrs asked the idiot well new year s calling particular by the idiot at home ly explained the lady it is no longer the thing for people to make new year s calls and i must confess i regret it it used to be a great pleasure to me | 27 |
in the old days to receive the gentlemen my old friends and relatives and why distinguish between your old friends and your mrs interrupted the idiot they are terms they are now said the good lady but ah they weren t always i used sometimes to think you for instance didn t like me as much as you might i didn t dare explained the idiot if i d liked you as much as i might i d have told you so and then mr would have got jealous and there d have been a horrid affair the lady smiled graciously and mr threw a small paper at the idiot i m much obliged to you for holding off idiot he said i don t know where i d have been to day if you d got in ahead of me mrs has always had a soft spot in her heart for you i ve got the other spot said the idiot and a pair of are hard to beat in by the idiot at home pairs but i think i voice mrs s sentiments in the matter mr when i say that she and i would always have been glad to see you every other new year s day if i had been the fortunate of her hand and mr and i would have been glad to see you and mrs in the years said mrs idiot to her husband and then turning to the added we mr no madame returned mr courteously you might have been but i would not if i had married you i could never have seen any one else with pleasure i should have kept my eyes solely for you john i cried mrs her eyebrows my dear mere returned the tapping his fingers together and smiling sweetly upon mrs idiot you didn t finish mrs said the idiot you were telling us how you used to enjoy new year s calling before it went out yes replied mrs it by i as if i had swallowed an by by the idiot at home was charming i used positively to look forward to its coming with delight we women mr idiot found the old custom very delightful but the men mrs said the idiot did you ever think of them what else did we think of what else is there for a woman to think about replied mrs jane i cried mr my dear mere returned mrs and mr lit a cigar it i not always pleasant to be quoted still said the idiot you thought of men only as creatures of the moment entirely said mrs and not as creatures of the week following said the idiot what has that to do with it asked mrs much from the man s stand point returned the idiot his was to make a woman s holiday take myself as an example i used to make new year s calls and to get through with my list by midnight i had to start in at nine o clock in the morning by the idiot at home nine o clock is not so early said mr it s early for cake and said the idiot and for chicken and wedding cake and for and punch and for and egg and for ice cream and de h m i said mr that s true quite so observed mr brushing off his upon which the ashes of his cigar had rested especially for the punch there was no punch in my house said mrs indeed i always served a very simple luncheon we did have chicken of course but the chicken was good and the was crisp i d swear to it said the idiot and we had egg but there was more egg than in it again i d swear to it said the idiot his lips and as for the nobody ever complained he d have been a himself who would said the idiot but that does not prove that no one ever suffered by the idiot at home and as for the no one ever suffered from them that i knew of continued the good lady they are harmless eaten in moderation exactly right cried the idiot gentleman would ever complain of even if they were made of inferior rubber eaten in moderation yet i recall in my own experience a of most impressive quality he was not a of the moment he was the admiral of in appearance he resembled every other i ever met but well he kept me in a state of worry for a month just eating him alone was eating in i felt as if i had swallowed an he was a charming mrs and he was devoted to me but he involved me in alongside of which the question is child s play if a new year s could have confined his attentions to the ladies he met no harm would have come to him but he couldn t you know the day was one continuous round of effort and what a man got at your house and had to eat merely to show his appreciation by the idiot at home of your hospitality was all right and wholesome your and egg could do him no harm but he couldn t stop with yours he had to continue and and egg everywhere else and all day long the day resolved itself into a magnificent alongside of which that of seems like a wagon it finally came down to the point where either man or the custom had to di and man being selfish the custom went did you ever consider exactly how much food an amiable well meaning person had to in a round of say three dozen calls mrs mr brief nodded his approval youve struck it he said i ve been there idiot i must confess said | 27 |
mrs that i never looked into that question well i ll tell you the idiot resumed the last time i made new year s calls i figured it out for the doctor the next morning and as i recall the in the course of that day i ate one hundred and twenty nine thirteen plates of chicken seven plates of five plates of twenty three plates of by i eight and pint of by by the idiot at home ice cream four hundred and sixty three eighty seven from and ham to chicken and goose liver enough angel cake to feed all the angels there are and two more sixteen that were being made just as i happened in and and and to the extent of about eighteen pounds mercy cried mrs say pa where was i then asked his eyes glittering with delight you were eating green cheese on the moon said the idiot i d been with you said must o been better than bein a pie and all of these things continued the idiot with a wink at his son i washed down with six of nineteen cups of coffee eighteen cups of tea and a taste of punch and how about the egg asked the i judge there were about six of eggs in it said the idiot i never had the nerve to the end of it by the idiot at home what did the doctor say when you told him all that asked mrs the idiot chuckled what did he say he cried why i should think you could guess he blamed it all on the but he thought he could get me into shape again in time for the next new year i ve never been the same man since well the way i look at it said mrs is that it is a great pity that women must be deprived of a function that gives them pleasure because the men make pigs of themselves but you don t understand mrs the idiot persisted i grant you that the man who eats all that makes a pig of himself but he has no choice he can t help himself when a charming hostess he d be a greater pig if he refused to partake of her hospitality the custom involved an inevitable sacrifice of man s upon the altar of woman that s all there was about it if it could have been arranged so that a man could take a about with him and all the cakes and and other good things away in that and eat them later as he happened to need or want them instead by were pound days when the room was put in order by by the idiot at home of in his own inner self the good old custom might have been preserved but that is impossible in these conventional days you needn t have eaten it all put in mrs idiot you could have pretended to eat it and put it down somewhere i know that my dear i didn t even on that occasion eat it all i only ate what i told you i found eight and a pint of in my coat tail pocket the next morning which i managed to hide away while my were getting me something else and in one place while nobody was watching me i hid a half dozen under a sofa where i suppose they were found some days later when the room was put in order as the idiot spoke the clock struck twelve and the guests all rose up here s to the new year said mr yet interposed the idiot that s only a signal for the to be brought in i ve sworn them off for the year but i haven t for the old the clock is a half hour fast p by the idiot at home no my dear said mrs idiot it was but i put it back it s exactly right now then said the idiot i join you in the toast mr here s to the new year may it bring joy to everybody meanwhile may it bring also the i thought you d sworn off suggested mr so i had replied the idiot but circumstances over which i have no control force me to my for another twelve months if they had been served at half past eleven i should have stuck to my resolve as they have been delayed until twelve one i cannot do less than eat them i do not believe in wilful waste and besides it is quite as much the duty of the host to the good things he places before his guests as it is for the guests to partake i can wait a year i think without wholly what little my former devotion to new year s calling has left me i propose the ladies may their future be as golden as this and for the men may they always be worthy to be the toast upon which that golden future by the idiot at home may rest with the certainty born of confidence and the guests fell to and ate each a golden buck to the new year all save and these two important members of the household went up to their little beds but just before going to sleep called through the door to his little sister want to play a game with me to morrow t well you get a cake and a pie and some and a lot of apples and some and we ll play new year s calls splendid you ll call on me yes said and all you ll have to do will be to force food on me and they soon passed into the land of dreams by some domestic inventions i think i ll give up the business of and go into said the idiot one | 27 |
sunday morning as he and mrs idiot and their friends sat down at breakfast there s not much money in stocks but the successful of a patent clothes pin makes a fortune i d think twice about that before acting observed mr brief there may not be much money in stocks but you can work eight hours a day and get good pay in a s office while the has to wait upon inspiration true enough said the idiot but waiting on inspiration isn t a bad business in itself you can play or read a rattling good novel or go to a while you wait but where does the money come in v by the idiot at home asked mr his usual caution to the fore inspiration brings it with her said the idiot and by the barrel too what s the use of toiling eight hours a day for fifty weeks in a year for three thousand dollars when by waiting on inspiration in a pleasant way you make a million all of a sudden well said mr if have the inspiration as you might say your argument is all right but if you are merely going to sit down and wait for it to ring you up on the and ask you when and where you wish your barrels of gold delivered i think it will be your and not fortune who will be found knocking at your door how are you going about this business provided you do retire from wall street choose my field and work it replied the idiot for the present i should choose the home that is the field i am most interested in just now i should study its necessities and endeavor to meet whatever these might demand with an adequate supply any man who stays around home all day will find lots by the idiot at home of room for the employment of his talents along lines you ve tried it have you asked mr brief certainly i have said the idiot though i invented anything yet why only last week i stayed home on monday wash day and a thousand things that might be invented suggested themselves to me as for instance asked mrs idiot who was anxious to know of any possible thing that could the horrors of wash day well it wouldn t help you much my dear said the idiot but the wash lady would hail with delight a substitute for her mouth to hold clothes pins in while she is hanging out the clothes i watched in the yard for ten minutes that day and it was pathetic there she was standing on her hanging innumerable garments on the line her mouth full of clothes pins and s hired man leaning over the fence trying to shout sweet in her ear if she had had a nice little basket hat on her head to hold the pins in she could have answered back without stopping her by not much in stocks by by the idiot at home work every other minute to take them out of her mouth in order to retort to his sentiments mrs idiot laughed finds time enough to talk and do the washing too she said i sometimes think she does more talking than washing no doubt of it she s only human like the rest of us said the idiot but she might save time to do something else for us if she could do the washing and the talking at the same time she may give up the washing but she ll never give up the talking therefore why not make the talking easier what you need most i think put in mr brief is an instrument to keep hired men from leaning over the fence and the attention of the from her work that would be a great boon not unless idleness is a great boon retorted the idiot half the hired men i know would be utterly out of employment if they couldn t lean over a fence and talk to somebody leaning over a fence and talking to somebody forms seventy five per cent of the hired man s daily labor he seems to think that is by the idiot at home what he is paid for still any one who objects could very easily remedy the detail in so far as it goes on over the fence by the use of wire i presume suggested mr by something far more subtle and delicately suggestive rejoined the idiot hired men do not mind fences they rather like them when they annoy other people when they annoy themselves they how to treat them my own man for instance minds them not at all indeed he has taken my and all the off the small stretch of it we had at the rear end of our lot to keep him from climbing over for a short cut home with what result asked mr brief with the result that i had to buy a new pair of said the idiot my anti over the fence he continued would involve certain complex details but it would work i should have an electric battery connected with the upper cable of the fence and an stationed inside of the house close to a key which would send some six by a nice little basket hat on her head to hold the pins in by by the idiot at home hundred or seven hundred through the cable whenever needed then if i felt that s man was interfering with my as soon as he leaned over the fence i d have the send him an electric notice to quit a message v said mr no a plain shock two hundred as a three hundred as a and the full seven hundred if necessary to make the hint that would be cruel observed mrs not wholly said the idiot it would be | 27 |
an advantage to the man himself in one way hired men have too little in their systems mrs if s man for instance would take all the i d give and apply it to his work s would not be such a constant menace to my lawn i compel to weed out my lawn every spring and autumn but doesn t attend to his at all he doesn t sleep on it and so doesn t bother about it consequently when his go to seed the seed is blown by the idiot at home over into my grass and every year i get an crop which at a dollar a thousand would make me a why don t you apply your genius to the discovery of a asked the lawyer it seems to me that would be the best solution of the problem because wouldn t have em if i discovered em said the idiot i judge from the millions he raises every year that he is satisfied with as they are he s got enough for himself and never makes any charge for those he gives to his neighbors i think a furnace would be a good thing too the idiot continued in a moment my furnace is a sufferer from because on some days it is with coal and on others with ashes seems to me if i could get a month s time in which to my attention upon a furnace i could devise some kind of a that would the enthusiastic love of the resident in the world over i have often thought of that possibility myself observed mr his by an electric notice to quit by by the idiot at home eyes fondly resting upon a steaming plate of cakes that had just been brought in but coal is a rebellious quantity a furnace would need to be delicately adjusted and coal cannot be handled with delicacy it requires a rather than a it must be with the not the sugar correct said the idiot therefore you would experiment on a or a all idea of the coal i on the other hand would experiment with the coal itself mr why not it and let it drop into the furnace through a self acting coal asked mr certainly replied the idiot we pretty nearly everything else if liquid air why not liquid coal everything we have in nature in these days apparently can be and while i am not familiar with the process i see no reason why a ton of coal should not be reduced to such a shape that it can be once and provided with an it could easily be adjusted so as to flow in proper q by the idiot at home quantities into the furnace at proper intervals it would be very expensive do you know what a pint of liquid air costs demanded the doctor no said the idiot i neither breathe nor drink it the plain old stuff is good enough for me and cheap if you don t have to go to the mountains or the to get your supply coal could be the doctor assented i venture to say that a ton of it would cost as much as five hundred dollars ive no doubt it would said the idiot but i could afford a ton of coal at five hundred dollars if my scheme worked a successful invention would make bread seem cheap at ten dollars a loaf there s another thing i should put my mind on and that is a method of cooking a so that everybody in the house as well as the neighbors should not know that you are doing so he continued i am particularly fond of but it is that in the process of cooking it becomes almost to the point of ive spoken about it many times by the idiot at home the gardener to whom i ve spoken on the subject thinks the itself if sprinkled with de while growing would cease to be in the cooking but that is too expensive a process it would take a dozen cases of de to bring a single to maturity my son has stated that he thinks it might be boiled in water instead of in the simple variety that comes from the pipes a good suggestion for a small boy but also expensive hired men and small boys do not think of the of the principal in their plans they don t have to their allowance and wages are usually all velvet an elegant for and for my own part i have constantly to their little schemes for the of my condition in order to have any condition at all left but as far as the arrangement of an is concerned it is as simple as a b one or two i wish you d hurry up and invent it cried mrs idiot with enthusiasm what are the main features of this simple contrivance by the idiot at home i d have a in the first place in which to boil the animal said the idiot when the water was ready i d clap the creature into it and before it had time to i d fasten a sealed cover over the top but when you took it off the results would still be overpowering said mr no my dear sir said the idiot for the simple reason i should a cold air box and a to the sealed through the cold air box fresh air would constantly flow into the through the all the of the would be carried off through the chimney into the upper air anybody who wished to know whether we were going to have for dinner or not would have to climb up to the roof and at the top to find out it is simple isn t it mrs idiot mrs said very replied mrs idiot indeed it seems so | 27 |
extremely simple that i should like to know where the lie where all the in cook by m finding out what is being for dinner by by the idiot at home ing lie my dear said the idiot in the cook the chief would lie in getting a cook who could or if she could would use the thing i don t see said mr brief i don t see but that what you ought to devote your time to my dear idiot is the invention of an intelligent cook laughed the idiot i may be an idiot mr brief but i m not an ass there are some things that man may reasonably hope to accomplish such as setting fire to the or growing on the summit of but as for trying to invent an intelligent cook who would stay in the country for more than two weeks for less than ten thousand dollars a year that sir is beyond all the of the human mind ain t intelligent pa asked here was a for liked to to the gossip of the day and especially what pa said h m ah oh yes indeed she is the idiot replied with some embarrassment very she s been with us three months by the idiot at home how much do you pay her pa asked the boy well said the idiot not more than fifteen hundred dollars a month just take another cake my son and remember that there are some things little boys should not talk about like s bald heads complacently her eye fixed upon mr s shining dome precisely observed mr the situation and while everybody else laughed the idiot looked upon his children with a sternly affectionate face my dear said he to mrs idiot i think it is time the babies got ready for sunday school by xiii a well old chap said the poet some weeks later when he happened to be spending the night off in the with his old friend how goes the noble art of has your as yet is good but said the idiot the is an in itself without the of man who told you i was instead of these days mr said something about it the last time i met him said the poet he s a mighty good friend of yours he says you are the most perfect idiot he ever met he s a bully good fellow said the idiot affectionately you know i used to think wasn t of any earthly use by ic the idiot at home except to teach people things but as i look back upon my experience with him he has never taught me anything that was worth forgetting so he told you i was going into invention did he yes and he said he thought you were going about it in the right way rejoined the poet you weren t spending ten thousand dollars to get a four dollar invention on the market he said but were things that you knew at the outset weren t worth your money on the idiot smiled he said that did he well he doesn t know what he is talking about he retorted i am spending money on my inventions i have already invested fifty cents in my patent clothes pin holding bonnet and i have strung the wires along my fence to be used in my electric hired man and when i have managed to save up a few dollars more i m going to get a battery to attach to it when woe that man of s if he tries to talk to maria while she is at work i have extended the operations of that same useful invention so that it will meet a long felt want in all as a by k his best girl on some other fellow s stone wall by by the idiot at home of you never lived in the country did you not permanently said the poet then you are not aware of a singular habit the young country has of his best girl on some other fellow s stone wall after the sun goes down said the idiot some evening next spring if you ll come up here i ll show you one of the features of life that will give you an idea for a poem that stone wall that runs along the front of my place has been the scene of more engagements than i can tell you of many a time when i have come home late at night i have counted as many as ten couples sitting on the cold of that wall telling each other how beautiful the world is and holding each other on with loving arms an affecting scene that said the poet it was at first rejoined the idiot and i rather liked to see it indeed i once suggested to mrs idiot that we should have the so that they might sit more comfortably i even wanted to put a back along the inner side of it for them to lean against but after a while it we couldn t sit out on our own by the idiot at home front porch on a summer evening and talk without sentimental that were to a sustained conversation we d try to talk for instance about or or le or some other poet of their class when we d be interrupted by such sentiments as ess i is and i s oo and ain t de moon then when we had guests we never dared to take them out but remained up inside the house because mrs idiot feared to intrude upon the sacred right of those ten couples to do their comparatively unobserved it must have been a nuisance said the poet it grew to be so but i hadn t the heart to stop it even if i | 27 |
my wires inscribed the idiot asylum and every blessed gate i have to my name had been removed from the premises by the idiot at home what an outrage cried the poet not a bit of it merely a said the idiot they don t mean anything by it they are mere children after all and from their point of view i have interfered with their rights and you propose to stand all this asked the poet if i were you i d get a pile of broken bottles as they do in england and place them along the top of that wall so that they couldn t possibly use it brutal custom that said the idiot may do for englishmen won t do here at all in the first place it spoils the appearance of the wall in the second place it is not in the third place it would place me in a false position everybody d soon be asking where i got all those bottles an englishman drinks enough beer in the course of a week to keep his walls covered with broken bottles for a century i don t and i m not going to buy bottles i ve got a better scheme ah cried the poet now we are coming to the invention merely an extension of my hired man said the idiot simple and i trust i am going to put a live wire along the by it took my man two weeks to it out by by the idiot at home of my wall broken bottles are cheap my dear poet but they don t work if i put broken bottles on my wall the brotherhood of would meet on my la vn and pass resolutions against me and ultimately they would demand the use of my parlor unless i their nature the lovers rights must be respected always and i m truly thankful that they have stopped short at my when they operate along my frontier line they are harmless interesting even amusing if they carry their principles through and penetrate beyond the edge why then mrs idiot and i will have to give it up my scheme is to make them feel that they are welcome to the wall but to make the wall well to give an element of surprise to the wall just as s man is soon to be surprised which is so do i propose to surprise these persons who cut down my hedges who up my with their poems and who hang en on my wires i wish them all well but next spring when they attempt to revive the by the idiot at home of the past they will find that even i am but how i shall have a wire running along the as i have already said that between the hours of eight and twelve p m will be so full of shocking things that my guests will cease to bother me can you imagine the effect of a live wire upon ten loving couples engaged in looking at the moon while sitting on it yet you claim to insist upon rights as lovers said the poet certainly i do said the idiot man has a right to make love wherever he can if he can t make love on my wall let him make love somewhere else but where cried the poet your up here have no home apparently or s wall said the idiot by the way do you know anything about by xiv some consideration of the do you know anything about the habits of repeated the idiot echoed the poet the idiot closely the transition from live wires to proving rather too sudden for his comprehension no i don t know anything about except that i have heard that they are an nuisance they are worse than a nuisance said the idiot they are a devouring element and they are worse than fire if your house catches fire you can summon an engine and have it put out and what damage it does you can collect for if you are careful enough to keep your possessions but with the it is different there isn t any department in town that you can ring up nor is there by the idiot at home a that you can keep close at hand to fight them with there is no company here or elsewhere to protect the man who suffers damage at their teeth that i know of he is a mean element the is fire has a decent sense of the have none at all when fire attacks you it and and and and lets you know in tones that it has come the upon you in the dead of night and up your best trousers himself upon your wife s his with your flannel shirt away upon your rug holes in your best sofa cushions with his and then silently folds his tent and away without so much as a thank you for his meal for meanness commend me to the you seem to speak with feeling said the poet with a smile have you suffered suffered cried the idiot suffered is not the word they have tortured me alongside of the and his by an s bill an absolute pleasure by by the idiot at home work even a book agent into and an s bill becomes an absolute pleasure you can meet a book agent on his own ground for you know his i have done so myself only yesterday one of them called upon me to sell me a of and before he got away i had actually sold him a copy of your poems ah said the poet shaking his head you sold my gift did you n ot a bit of it laughed the idiot when your book came out i bought a copy and two days later you sent me another with an | 27 |
inscription which i treasure affectionately i sold him the one i bought you are a beautiful idiot said the poet his knee i don t lay claim so much to beauty as to said the idiot lighting a cigar and even that is not to my credit beauty and are gifts n o amount of cultivation can produce genius when it does not exist when i see a beautiful woman it is not she that i admire i admire the gracious hand that made her s by the idiot at home give me that idea old man cried the poet it is yours from this on said the idiot with a sigh i am not equal to it i may be able to think thoughts but thoughts are of no more use to me than a piano is to a man who can t read music but we are becoming we were talking about not thoughts you said that i must have suffered and i said that i had been tortured and i have my evening clothes have been ruined by them my best shirts have been eaten by them my silk hat in which i have taken much pride has four bald spots on its side because of their appetite and as far as i can find out i have no you can t sue a for you know with any degree of satisfaction why should you expect to sue a for any more than to have a for assault suggested the poet oh as for that said the idiot you can treat the without much difficulty he merits capital punishment and if you are yourself alert you can him at the moment of his crime but the is different you are ab by by by the idiot at home helpless in the face of him he works in secret i am told that there are such things as balls observed the poet there are said the idiot and i truly think the them as much as a young girl a military ball whenever we give a ball the attend and as far as i can find out dance all through it they seem to enjoy functions of that nature i have yet to meet the man who likes to go about in a suit of clothes that smells like a store i don t i hate the of and if i have my choice of going to a dinner in a or in one that is of the ball i prefer the one with holes in it what i can t understand is why a race as proud as the one to which you and i belong should have to under to an inferior lot of insects such as the represents i suppose there is something about it that we cannot understand said the poet all created things have their uses the lion the elephant the tiger the all have their work to do in life even the has his by the idiot at home mission whatever it may be you must admit this why not therefore admit that the serves a purpose in the great scheme of life my dear poet said the idiot far be it from me to deny the truth of what you say there is hardly a living creature that i have ever encountered in all my life that has not had some truly quality in its make up the lion is a splendid creature and with the bear and the fox and the and the he serves a purpose they at least teach boys geography and teach it the boy who knows where the hath its knows more geography than i do my son has learned more of geography from a visit to the where those animals are shown than he ever learned from books i can quite see likewise the value of the he keeps the sea shore from being and he prevents some people from sleeping too much he is an accomplished and from my own point of view is superior to a opera since opera puts me to sleep while the magnificent of the keep me awake but the by th t at up mt new clothes by by the idiot at home is beyond me what his contribution to the public welfare may be i cannot reason out although i have tried and find nothing in his favor asked the poet much replied the idiot but he has no system his mission is to eat old clothes but he is such a very disgusting that he does not between old and new and i have no use for him if in his search for a meal he would choose the garments of three years ago which i ought not to wear because they are so old fashioned as to make me conspicuous when i do wear them it would be all right but the is no such person he is not a lover of old when he calls in a number of his brother to dine at his expense he does not treat them to an overcoat of or to a dress suit of or to a silk hat laid down in he wants the latest thing and as far as i can find out he gets it i have just been compelled to lay in a new stock of under and over clothes because the ones i had have been served upon his table the must live observed the poet by the idiot at home i m perfectly willing he should if he ll only retorted the idiot we have enough old clothes in this house my dear poet to give a banquet of seventeen courses to six hundred every night for the next six months if they would content themselves with that i should be satisfied but they won t they eat up my new clothes they destroy my new hats they away upon my | 27 |
most that is why i asked you if you knew anything about i am anxious to reform them as you have said i have gone into and my inventions are wholly designed to meet long felt wants in all the man who a scheme to or properly to satisfy the appetite of the will find his name linked with fame i have thought and thought and thought about it the must either be or extinguished i have tried to him but without avail when he has flown forth i have endeavored to punch him in the head and i have wasted my energy upon the air did you ever undertake to punch a in the by wasted mt energy upon the air by by the idiot at home never said the poet i am not a my dear boy rejoined the idiot i don t know a hero in real life or in fiction who could meet a on his own ground i read about mr b of new york who can drive four horses about the at the horse show without turning a hair i read about of boston putting up his face against the administration on a question of national import i have read of the of alexander of of d of and of but there isn t a man among em who can fight the you can him with a gun loaded to the with balls and he still waves his banner in your face you may at him with a and he lightly aside and to express his contempt a hole in your parlor you can turn the on him and he away out of reach you can t kill him because you can t catch him you can t drive him away and until we go back to the dress of the knights of old and wear steel clothing and live in rooms by the idiot at home of solid we can t starve him out there is therefore only one thing to do and that is to him if you in the course of your into nature have ever discovered any trait in the that science can lay hold upon something through which we can appeal to his better nature if he has such a thing you will be a great boon upon the whole domestic world what i want to find out is if he possesses some particularly well defined taste if there is any one kind of texture or fabric that he likes better than another if there is such a thing i ll have a brand new suit made of that same material especially for him furnish a nice comfortable warm spot in the as a and let him feed there when and how he pleases the manners and customs of are an open book to most of us his tastes are as mysterious as the ocean s depths the poet shook his head i am afraid my dear idiot that you have at last a problem that will prove too much for you how to get at the point you desire is i fear impossible of discovery he said by the idiot at home it would seem so replied the idiot but i shall not despair if the ordinary cook of commerce can be made intelligent i do not see any reason why we should abandon so comparatively simple a proposition as the of the and had been listening with great interest and as the idiot finished observed that she thought the best way to do was to ask the what he liked most but had a less plan best thing s to get rid of em altogether pa he said and i ll em for you for fi cents apiece which struck the poet as the most practical idea that had been advanced during the discussion by xv some consideration of the you ever much by off here in the country asked mr one spring afternoon as he and the idiot and the strolled about the idiot s small farm no said the idiot they ve only visited me twice only twice eh observed the well i should think that was often enough considering that you haven t lived here more than a year and a half it was said the idiot i didn t say i wanted them to come again did i of course not returned mr but you said only twice as if two visits of that nature were less than might have been expected well aren t they asked the idiot just make a little calculation i ve lived on this place precisely five hundred and by the idiot at home ninety four days and of course an equal number of nights it seems to me that in breaking into my house only twice when they might have come every night shows a degree of restraint upon our company that is worthy of the highest you of course refer to professional don t you mr laughed are there any amateur v are there ejaculated the idiot well rather there is the and man who the water and the and the if you refer to that class why i have them with me always which of the two classes do you prefer asked mr with a chuckle well i m not quite sure as to that returned the idiot i ve often wondered myself whether i preferred the honest who does his work by night and who doesn t pretend to be anything but a or the sleek chap who comes into your house by day and runs up a bill against you which in his heart of hearts he knows is not a proper one there are and in this world mr t by the idiot at home and the one who lands in the is not always a bigger rascal than the fellow who holds the respect of the community and sets himself up | 27 |
as a prominent citizen may be divided into classes some of them others not there was dick who ran honest risks to obtain a living there are men in wall street who work greater ruin and are held in higher esteem there is the ho takes your watch and it to buy bread for his starving family and there is the very charming young person who sits behind a table at a church fair and charges you seven dollars for a fifty cent sofa cushion so it goes i prefer the esteemed citizen who makes me pay twenty eight dollars for ten dollars worth of gas but when it comes down to a strict business basis i must say i have lost less money through the operations of the professional thief than through those of the amateur take a recent case in my own experience for instance only last week i sent a small clock which cost me twenty dollars to a fair here in town and mrs idiot bought it for a birthday present for me for forty dollars in other words i by the idiot at home have a twenty dollar clock on my hands that has cost me sixty dollars but you have the satisfaction of knowing that you have contributed to the good work of the suggested mr that is true enough said the idiot but the is only forty dollars to the good they d have been better off if i had given them fifty dollars in cash and i d have saved ten but you have the clock insisted mr i certainly have replied the idiot and if time is money i shall soon be rich for that clock makes to beat the band if it keeps on as it has started and we stand by it we shall soon be about a month ahead of the sun it gains a week every hours if that clock were truthful i should be a at forty but you re not sorry you gave it said mr not at all said the idiot my only regret is that mrs i bought it but he added hastily she know that i won t say a word said mr i won t neither pa said ton my by the idiot at home with a degree of complacency which showed that the temptation to tell was great well i won t say n two or three words about it anyhow put in not anxious to commit herself to perpetual silence on the subject it is the most beautiful clock i ever saw said the idiot quickly the possibilities of s two or three words that s what i said and i m goin to tell mamma that you said so all right said the idiot suppose you and run right up and tell her now i d rather hear you talk pa said he does take after you doesn t he said mr yes said the idiot he does he likes to hear me talk as much as i do bless him it is a sign in a son observed mr but tell about the two did they get anything they did said the idiot and at the same time i lost nothing the first chap came on the scene along about two o clock in the morning he was a by the idiot at home industrious and i regret to say he was not paid for his services he the safe at this point the idiot threw back his head and laughed heartily i have seen the safe said mr and to tell you the truth my dear idiot i have wondered at your choosing so obvious a for your it does not to my mind deny itself as a safe should it the fact that your silver your wife s jewels perhaps are within i have spoken once or twice to our friend mr brief about it no doubt replied the idiot however i can t see why a safe has any it lies in this said mr you confess at once to the the exact of the things he s after without a safe your silver or mrs idiot s jewels such as they are might be found anywhere in the house but when you take the trouble to buy a safe any in creation who has ordinary common sense must know that your are concentrated in that one spot that i rejoice to say said the idiot is the s view by the idiot at home you should not rejoice said mr with some of his old time severity you make his work so comparatively easy that he is content to follow a base profession as you have termed it truly i wonder at you you place on your first floor a bald safe i haven t seen any advertised as having a full head of hair observed the idiot complacently you me said mr when i say bald i mean evident plain obvious you practically say here are the things which i value what is to be found within this safe mr are the very things you are after therefore say to the attack this safe break it open rifle it of its contents in other words here is the as i believe it is called you are wholly right said the idiot i bought that safe for that precise reason and i bought a big one and a strong one but you don t know the story of that safe do you mr i do not said the then let me tell you said the idiot that safe has been broken open and by a professional the had by the idiot at home his tools and he had his expert knowledge of their use he arrived at my house as i recall the situation somewhere about ah two o clock at night he bored at the lock until three he | 27 |
the idiot at home enough to touch it after your kindness to me he wrote extraordinary said mr very said the idiot nevertheless i have not taken his hint about leaving my silver out of doors and have worked as hard as ever on my patent alarm oh indeed have you a new idea in that line asked the yes said the idiot it is wholly novel it is designed to alarm the and not scare the people in the i did you ever hear of anything like that before never ejaculated mr with enthusiasm how is it to work that said the idiot is what i am trying to find out when i do let you know doctor by xvi conclusion mr and mrs idiot request the pleasure of tour company at dinner on thursday may at half after seven o clock r s v p t call handsomely engraved a card bearing the above inscription was sent about the middle of may to all the idiot s old friends of mrs s select home for gentlemen and it is needless to say that they all accepted i wonder what the he means by last call said mr brief to the ge old gentleman who occasionally by the idiot at home sounds like the warning of the dining car porter on a train i m sure i can t imagine said the other and what s more i m content to wait and find out of course you are going i am indeed said mr brief i d travel farther than that the pleasure of an hour with the dear old boy and particularly now that he has so good a cook dined there lately yes said the genial old gentleman had any of those he gives you sunday nights more than was good for me ain t they fine said the genial old gentleman his lips immense said mr brief a cook that can like that is worth her weight in gold where do you suppose he got her why he married her cried the genial old gentleman promptly mrs idiot those herself on the didn t you know that no said mr brief i happened in late sunday night and we had em they were so awfully good i didn t do a by the idiot at home thing but eat and forgot to ask who cooked em it s the way of the world sighed the genial old gentleman we old have to get along on what comes to us but the energetic chap who goes out into the world and the right sort of a woman jove what a lucky chap he is there s some truth in that agreed mr brief but on the whole just think what a terrible thing it would be to marry a bad cook and to have to eat everything she prepared with an outward show of der light just to keep peace in the family that s your cautious lawyer s view of it said the genial old gentleman why the deuce don t you get married yourself then said mr brief if you feel that way i don t want to said the genial old gentleman fact is brief old man all i should ever marry for would be the comfort of a home and i can always get that by going up to the idiot s the other invited guests were no less perplexed by the final words of the idiot s invitation and with the pleasure of accepting was mingled an agreeable curiosity by the idiot at home to know what was meant by last call the evening came and all were present it was a goodly company and by special favor the children were allowed to sit up and partake and what was more mary the of the old days assisted in the serving of the dinner seems like old times said mr beaming at mrs and smiling pleasantly at mary i shall almost expect our host to be sarcastic sarcasm mr said the idiot his is all right in its place but as i have grown older i haven t found that having given rein to it i was happier afterwards sometimes no doubt mrs has thought me rude never said the ancient landlady well there s something worse than having others think you rude said the idiot that s yourself that you have been so and i hope mrs will accept here and now an apology a blanket apology which shall cover a multitude of past sins my dear idiot said mrs do you know how i have always thought of you by the idiot at home as a son said mr and i have felt towards you as a father i wonder you didn t give me a once in a while then said the idiot we have often wished to observed mr john cried mrs well have said mr mrs has all the amiable weakness of a woman towards her naughty boy him next time not this everybody laughed and the idiot rose from his place and walked to mrs s side and kissed her you re a nice old he said and the naughty boy loves you he ll be hanged if he ll kiss his though he added with a glance at mr i will said and she did so the old returned the little girl s salute with emphasis bless you little one he said i love you even as i loved your papa i m a goin to kiss everybody said and he started in with mary and put his scheme through to the bitter end what are we going to have for he added complacently as he resumed his seat u by the idiot at home idiot said mr brief when the third course had been served what do you mean by last call r we are going to | 27 |
give up housekeeping said the idiot no trouble i hope said mr lots ejaculated the idiot but not very troublesome troubles the fact is we intend to travel to travel eh said the genial old gentleman where abroad replied the idiot we have never been abroad you know i ve been abroad and mrs idiot been abroad but we have never been abroad we are going together this time and we are going to take the children and for a year we propose to see europe under the most favorable conditions i think that abroad will seem a little different if we go together undoubtedly said mr but london is a cold place it is if you go alone said the idiot and paris is vile suggested mr brief to the man who has only himself to think of said the idiot e by the idiot at home and italy is dirty said the there s water in observed the idiot not very clean water to be sure but wet enough to wash the edges of the and travel is uncomfortable observed the poet admitted said the idiot travel is about the hardest work and the work i know of but we cannot help ourselves now that we are rich we must accept the imposed by modern society upon the wealthy you never knew a rich man to lead a comfortable life did you mr there are few of them who seem to know how admitted the you do no doubt said the idiot but you see i do not wish to be different from my kind so having made a fortune i am going to live as people of fortune do and be as uncomfortable as i know how i don t understand about this fortune said mr brief have you run up against a rich uncle somewhere or is this sudden wealth the result of your in by the idiot at home concerning which we have heard so much lately neither replied the idiot the fact is i an some years ago in a certain stock for which i paid twenty three i sold it three weeks ago for one hundred and sixty three clearing one hundred and forty dollars each on a thousand shares the poet gasped one hundred and forty thousand dollars profit cried mr yes said the idiot calmly that s about the size of it terrible isn t it here i was a happy man content to stay at home and toil eight hours a day for a small living in tolerable comfort and nothing to worry over all of a sudden this thing happens and like all other men of wealth i must become a wanderer i shudder to think of what might have happened if i d made a million i shouldn t have had a home at all then the guests looked at their host with amazement to most of them he had reached the supreme moment of his said the poet i fail to see why look at the ways of the and by the idiot at home ll se observed the idiot given his million he gives up his house and himself a small hotel in some big city which for the greater part of the year is occupied by servants he next a country palace at or at this he calls a cottage though it usually looks more like a public library or a hospital or a club house then he himself a camp with stained glass windows in the and has to float a small railroad in order to get himself and his wife s trunks into camp shortly after these follows a after a french somewhere in the south and then a to cross the ocean in ten days and to produce twelve hours sooner than the regular ocean steamer becomes one of the necessities of life result he never lives anywhere to occupy all his and he has to keep on the move and when he thinks he needs a trip to europe he has his got ready and sends it over going himself on a fast steamer he meets his at and orders the captain to proceed directly to some by the idiot at home going himself y meanwhile to london after a month of london he goes to paris and thence to the port where after steaming aboard of the for three or four days he sends the boat back to york and returns himself by the regular oh it s a terrible thing to be a and have nowhere to lay one s head with every poorer man you many you and hands raised against you every where there was a pause and the assembled company properly expressed their appreciation of the s hard lot by si the scheme has its advantages observed mrs idiot some said the idiot but think my dear of the town house with thirty nine servants the house with thirty four the camp with sixty including and guides the with thirty more and the with a captain a crew and a cook you can t get away from without jumping overboard just think how that would your troubles you would come to me from time to time and ask me how by the idiot at home i could expect you to discharge seven and four in one morning nd no doubt you d request me sometimes to stop in at the intelligence office on my way home and employ a dozen for y u but you would have a manager for all this suggested mrs that s the point observed idiot we d have to have a manager and for my part i shouldn t relish being managed what chance would mrs idiot have against a manager ahead of an army of servants of such magnitude we have more than we can keep in as we stand now with this one small house if it wasn t | 27 |
now stand tall wooden poles with glaring white electric lights streaming from their tops and the of the winds in the trees has given place to the of the bounding a i this is the work of the land company yet if j said the acre kill land company sprang up in a l it passed many nights before the rewards which come to him nature and i speak j passing sleepless nights i o for at the beginning of i career the acre land one man a mild m man who had previously labored and whose name was called blessed in a thousand uncomfortable houses in uncomfortable elsewhere that like acre hill had once been garden spots but had been improved even a professional of land finds sleep difficult to at the beginning of such an enterprise in the first instance when the of acre hill one land giving a in full payment with the land as security one appears to have assumed a heavy burden then when to this one adds the enormous expense of cutting streets through the most beautiful of the the building of and the of houses to say of the strain upon the intellect in j fee o for the streets and and spring into being one cannot er how the master mind behind it all to survive the acre hill land party did survive corners watched its progress with much interest regrets pressed when some his t as l in order to provide a nice for a public square who had many a on acre hill felt like weeping when one stretch of bush after another was cut away in order that a looking structure the new home of the acre hill country club might be erected lovers sighed when certain noble old oaks with sentimental associations fell before the un the of acre hill sentimental of the improvement company and young muttered upon the that filled in with ashes the dear old pond that once gave forth fish in great abundance and through pipes diverted the running brook that hitherto had kept jt full into a brand new sc s these n ture c o t understand i need of growing for uncomfortable houses in inconvenient and in their failure comprehend they but others those who the which a productive hail as oak of ii y aw standing with a shop these people understood what being done for corners but wondered how the venture was to be made profitable there were already more vacant houses in corners than could be more butcher shops than could be supported more clubs than could be run without a but the acre hill land improvement company went on the of acre hill and within three years paradise had become earth and the mild and exceedingly amiable gentleman who had replaced the homes of the birds with some fifteen or twenty houses for small families could look about him and see greater results than ever greeted the eyes of in the days of the great rome land improvement company most wonderful of all he was still but a city is not a city nor in its own degree a a without inhabitants and while to a mind like that back of the acre hill land improvement company it is seemingly a easy task to lay out a in so far as its exterior are concerned the rub comes in the getting of citizens a standard oil can build a city if he is willing to spend the money but all the powers of heaven and earth combined cannot manufacture a in an emergency of this nature most land improvement companies would have issued pretty little gotten up in exquisite taste full of beautiful pictures and over with enthusiastic text all based upon possibilities rather than upon realities the of acre hill but the acre hill land improvement company was and honest it believed in what it had it believed in somewhat on the possibilities but it was too honest to claim for itself virtues it did not possess so it tried different methods the acre hill country club was the first of these and a good idea it was it was successful from the start great numbers attended the and dances although these were rather poorly conducted still the country club was a grand success it gave much and received nothing corners reluctant to approve of anything approved of it but no lots were sold the acre hill land improvement company was willing to make itself popular very willing didn t mind giving corners people free entertainment but lots didn t sell what is the use of paying the expenses of a club if lots don t sell this was a new problem for the company to consider there were sixteen houses ready for and interest at a terrible rate but no one came to look at them acre hill was a charm the of acre hill ing spot no doubt but for some unknown reason or other it failed to take hold of the popular fancy despite the attractions of the club suddenly the head of the institution had an idea in the great metropolis there was an and popular member of whose name had been appearing in the society journals with great for years he formerly had been prosperous but now he was down yet society still received and liked him for he had many good points and was what the world calls a good fellow why not send for jones suggested the head and leading spirit of the improvement company we can offer him one of our cottages and pay his debts if he has any if he will live here and give us the benefit of his social the suggestion was received with enthusiasm mr jones was summoned came and the cottage and declined he really couldn t you | 27 |
know of course he was down but not quite down to the level of a cottage of that particular kind he still had plenty of the of acre hill friends whom he could visit and who would be charmed to entertain him in the style to which he was accustomed why therefore should he do this thing and bring himself down to the level of the ordinary no indeed not he the saw the point and next offered him and this time he accepted the free use of the residence of one of the officers of the company a really handsome structure with a commanding view stable green houses graceful and all other of a well appointed country seat in addition to the furnishing of the house in proper taste they put coal in the cellar and fly in the windows they filled the residence with servants and the young person at the s and butcher s they bought him a and a wagon they bought him horses and they him well with fine cigars they paid his tailor s bills and sundry other pressing affairs were in fact the acre hill land improvement company set jones up and then gave him to entertain and inasmuch as had a genius for enter the of acre hill it is hardly necessary to say that he availed himself of his opportunity during that first summer at acre hill mr jones had the best time of his life his days were what the vulgar term all velvet his new residence was so superb that it restored his credit in the metropolis and city to whom he was under social obligation went home after having been paid in kind wondering if jones had somewhere a recently deceased rich uncle he gave of most lavish sort he had shows at the club house with talent made up of the most exclusive young men and women of the city the amateur of the of gave a whole series of performances at the club during the autumn and by slow degrees the society papers began to take notice acre hill began to be known as a favorite resort of the nay even the sacred had penetrated to its very core however for none knew how jones could do it still they never declined am invitation as a natural result the market for acre hill lots grew active the sixteen cottages were sold and the the of acre hill found themselves right in the swim it was the easiest thing in the world to get into society if you only knew how jones was a fine person and at the country club dances was quite as attentive to the hitherto unknown mrs as he was to mrs john jacob the acknowledged leader of the mrs too was not she talked pleasantly during a at the club house with mr and said she hoped some day to have the pleasure of meeting mrs and when in response said he would go and get her she most begged him not to leave her alone months went by and where sixteen empty houses had been there were now sixty all occupied and lots were going like hot cakes was in the shade was dying was dead society to acre hill and with acre acre became somewhat proud of themselves and rather took to looking down upon comers people corners people were nice and all that the of acre hill but not particularly interesting in the sense that our set with jones at the head of it was interesting then came the county ball this himself and the names of the lady were selected from the oldest and the on the list mrs s name led of course but mrs name was there too in between those of mrs van and mrs of s island representing two which would carry social weight in boston or the other side of market street there were four exalted names from the city one from corners and seven from acre hill then more lots sold and still more and then alas came the end jones was too successful after two years of glory the social light of acre hill went out the acre hill land improvement company retired from the business all its lots were sold and of course there was no further need for the services of jones his efforts were crowned with success his mission was accomplished but he ii the of acre hill moved away i think for after all he had found the acre hill people a most lot but it was inevitable that there being no more fish to catch the needed no bait and had to go where he has gone to there is no one who knows he has disappeared wholly even in the metropolis and most unfortunately for acre hill with jones have departed also all its social glories none of the elect come to its dances any more the amateur of the exclusive set no longer play on the stage of its club house and it was only last week that mrs john jacob passed mr on the street with a cold glare of possibly when acre hill reads this it will understand possibly not corners people understood it right along but then they always were a most suspicious lot and fond of an amusing spectacle that cost them nothing the strange of an organ was a philosopher and on the whole it was a great blessing that he was so no man needed to be possessor of a philosophical temperament more than he for in addition to being a resident of corners had other troubles which to an nature have made life a prolonged period of misery he was the sort of a man to whom misfortunes of the order have a way of coming to some of us it seemed as if a nature took pleasure in with petty none | 27 |
of them large enough to excite compassion many of them of a sort to provoke a quiet smile of all the dogs in the neighborhood it was always his dog that got run into the pound although it was equally true that s dog was one of the few that j of an organ were properly if he bought a new horse something would happen to it before a week had elapsed and how his coachman once off the top of his wagon by driving it under a loose wire is still one of the stories of the vicinity in which he lives anything out of the way in the shape of trouble seemed to choose the household for purposes he was the medium by which new varieties of were introduced to an ungrateful world but such was his nature that given the companionship of and a cigar he could be absolutely counted on not to murmur this disposition to accept the trials and which came upon him without a passionate outburst was not by any means due to was of too strong a character to be continually amiable he merely exercised his philosophy in meeting trouble he boiled within but presented a calm front to the world simply because to do otherwise would involve an expenditure of nervous force which he did not consider to be worth while of an organ i can never forget the sense of admiring regard which i experienced when in while he and i were about to enter our banker s together he slipped upon a bit of his knee and destroying his leg i should have indulged in profane allusions to the person who had thrown the upon the ground if by some the accident had happened to me however did nothing of the sort but treated me to a forcible abstract consideration of the habits of the masses the unknown individual who was responsible for the accident did not enter into the question no one was consigned to everlasting torture in the deepest depths of a calm of an abstraction was all that greeted my ears the practice of was condemned as a thing entirely apart from the and as a tendency inwardly i know he swore outwardly he was as serene as though nothing had happened to him it was then that i came to admire before that he had my affectionate regard of an organ in fullest measure but now admiration for his deeper qualities set in and it has in no sense diminished as time has passed once and once only have i known him to depart from his philosophical and that one departure was i think justified by the situation since it was the point of a series of to fail to yield to which would have required a than human strength the incident to which i refer was in connection with a fine organ which a large expense had had built in his house for like all philosophers has a great fondness for music and is himself a of no mean capacity i have known him to sit down under a parlor lamp and read over the score of the just as easily as you or i would one of the lighter novels of the day this was one of his when his spirit was subjected to an extreme he relieved his soul by flying to the to use his own very bad joke when he was in need of composure he sought out the as time however and the petty grew more numerous the merely intellectual of an organ of the writings of and and possibly failed to suffice and an organ was contracted for i enjoy reading the music said he as we sat and talked over his plan but sometimes very often in fact i feel as if something ought to shriek and vm going to have an organ of my own to do it for me so as i have said the organ was contracted for was built and ah additional series of trials began upon a very important occasion the organ declined to shriek although every effort to persuade it to perform the functions for which it was designed was made forty or fifty very charming people were gathered together to be introduced to the virtues of the new instrument for was not the kind of man to keep to himself the good things which came into his life he shared all his blessings while keeping his woes to himself a well known was retained to set forth the possibilities of the acquisition and all was going as merry as a marriage bell when suddenly there came a and the fingers of the well known were b of an organ powerless to the harmonious shrieks which all had come to hear it was a sad moment but was equal to the occasion something s out of gear he said with a laugh due rather to his philosophical nature than to mirth i m afraid we ll have to finish on the piano and so we did and a delightful evening we had of it although many of us went home wondering what on earth was the matter with the organ a few days later i met on the train and the mystery was solved the trouble was with the he explained they were put in wrong and the of the house is such that every time colonel on the other side of the street takes a bath all the water that flows down the hill is diverted into his tub i tried not to laugh you ll have to enter into an agreement with the colonel i said make him promise not to between certain hours that s a good idea said smiling but after all i guess i d better i a of an organ change the pipes heaven forbid that in days like these i should seek | 27 |
to let any personal gratification stand between another man and the rare virtue of cleanliness several weeks went by and men were busily employed in seeing that the water supply needed for a proper running of the organ came direct from the instead of coming from a pipe of limited capacity used in common by a half dozen or more of a neighboring side street somewhere about the end of the fourth week invited me to dinner the organ was all right again he said the water supply was sufficient and if i cared to i might dine with him and afterward spend an evening sitting upon the organ bench while himself the keys i naturally accepted the invitation since in addition to his other delightful qualities is a past grand master in the art of giving dinners he is a man with a taste and a dinner good enough for him is a thing to arouse the envy of the gods as i have already said he is a of no mean order an i know of no greater of an organ pleasure than that of sitting by his side while he through a score as he puts it but there was a disappointment in store for us i called at the appointed hour and found the household more or less in consternation the cook had left and a dinner of cold things confronted us she couldn t stand the organ explained she said it got on to her nerves like i gazed upon him in silent sympathy as we dined on cold roast beef stuffed and ice cream this is serious my host observed as we sat over our coffee and cigars after the that woman was the only decent cook we ve managed to secure in seven years and by the minute she gets on to my taste the organ gets on to her nerves and she one must eat i observed that s just it said if it comes to a question of cook or organ the organ will have to go she was right about it though the organ does like the some of the bass notes make the house like an blowing off steam of an organ it was a picturesque description for i had noticed at times that when the organ was being made to shriek every bit of in the house seemed to rattle and if a huge of some sort suffering from internal disturbance had been growling down in the cellar the result would have been quite similar it may work out all right in time said the thing is new yet and you can t expect it to be mellow all at once what fm afraid of apart from the inability of our cook to stand the is that this quivering will the house what do you think oh i don t know i said some of the rattle a bit but i imagine the house will stand it unless you go in too much for or might shake a few beams loose but lighter music i think can be indulged in with time did not serve as had hoped to mellow things indeed the succeeding weeks brought more trouble and most of it came through the organ some of the rattling in spite of every effort to make them fast rattled of an organ the more one night when the servant were alone in the house of its own tion the organ sent forth to break the still hours a blood groan that suggested ghosts to superstitious minds the came to regard the instrument as some thing and even as the cook done before her shook the dust of th house of from her feet then a rat crawled into one of thi pipes was unable to which and died there with results tha description i doubt if himself could have expressed the tion in his most inspired moments was philosophical ril play a to the h said that will make him turn over ii his grave wherever that interesting may be this he did and the effect was superb and no doubt the deceased did turn in his grave for the called into play every pipe on the whole instrument however i could see that this constant at the hands of an unkind fate through the medium of most cherished possession was having its of an organ effect upon s hitherto philosophy when he spoke of the it was with a tone of suppressed irritation which ill and finally i was not surprised to hear that he had offered to give the organ away after all he said i made a mistake flying so high a man doesn t want a church organ in his house any more than he wants an elephant for a lap dog offered it to the church i felt a little hurt about this for my own church was badly in need of an instrument of that nature but i said nothing and considering the amount of trouble the organ had given i got over my regret when i realized that the church and not mine was shortly to have it in this however i was mistaken for after due deliberation the decided that the organ was so very large that they d have to build a new church to go with it and so declined it with thanks bit his lip and then offered it to us don t seem to be able to give it away he said but i ll try again you tell your that if they want it they can have it i ll take it out and put of an organ it in the barn up in the hay they can take it or leave it it will cost them and the expense of putting it up i thanked him and referred the matter to the at first the members of that body | 27 |
the light of day as a published book is it rejected because of its length its breadth or what he had asked the last who had turned his back on the book well to tell you the truth mr the had answered all that our readers had to say about it and the three who read it agreed was that the book is you do not write like an thanks said as he bowed himself out if that s the truth ril try writing for til sit right down to night and knock a short story about and the tree i don t know whether grow on trees or on but that will make the tale all the more interesting if they don t grow on the plot that failed trees people will regard the story as romance if they do g ow on trees it will be true to his promise that night did write a story and it was as he had said it should be about and the tree and so amusing did it appear to the editor of that eminent nursery because of what he supposed was the author s studied ignorance on the subject of that it was accepted and the name of richard shortly appeared in all the glory of type walked on air for at least a week after his appeared in print he l d visions night and day in which he seemed to see himself the centre of the literary circle and as he the avenue in the he felt almost inclined to stop people who passed him by to tell them who he was and thus enable them to feast their eyes on one whose name would shortly become a household word all reasonable young authors feel this way after their first draught at the spring of it is only the plot that failed that preposterous young person who was born tired who fails to experience the sensations that were s that week and at the end of the week again like the reasonable young author he began to realize that immortality could not be gained by one story treating of a and an imaginary tree and so he sat himself down at his desk once more resolved this time to himself as it were in the public mind with a tale of and the this story did not come as easily as the other in fact found it impossible to write more than a third of the second tale that night he couldn t bring his mind down to it exactly probably because his mind had been soaring so high since the publication of his first for diversion as much as for anything else during a lull in his flow of language he a short letter to the editor of nursery and announced his intention to send the story of and the mine to him shortly which was unfortunate if he had finished the story first and then sent it it the plot that failed ht have been good enough to convince the editor against his judgment that he ought to have it a story can often accomplish more than an abstract idea in this event it could not have accomplished less anyhow for the editor promptly replied that he did not care for a second story of that nature there was no particular evidence in hand he said that the children liked stories of that kind particularly adding that the first was only an experiment that it was not necessary to repeat and so on polite but no evidence in hand that they are liked eh well how on earth i wonder said angrily to himself do they ever find evidence that things are liked do they go about asking or what and then he picked up the issue of nursery days that had started him along on his way to immortality to console himself at all events with the sight of his published story in turning over the leaves of the his eye fell upon a page across the top of which ran a highly cut which indicated that the plot that failed there was printed the post office department of nursery on which found a number of communications and like these l dear i have been taking nursery days since christmas so i thought i would write you a letter my birthday came a week ago thursday i received a watch and chain a glove a and a set of ivory we have a cat at home whose name is he is very sleepy and sleeps all day he always out the most comfortable chair and then feels very much injured if we turn him out i like s story in your last paper very much are you going to have any more stories by your little friend aged seven we hope soon to have a new story from mr we wish we could see your cat he seems a very sensible cat editor nursery days y ii canada i am a little girl nearly ten years old and as i like your paper very much i thought you would like a letter from me here is a cow s head i drew it is not very good but i wanted to see if i would get a prize or not i have two little sisters names are and the plot that failed i hope i will see my letter in print the stories i like are s story about solemn and his other one about s have you any more stories by him i must close now so good bye james several your cow is beautiful and perhaps some day it will appear in this column watch carefully and maybe you will see it editor nursery days ah said softly as he read these that is why is permitted to cover so much space eh the children like | 27 |
his stories well enough to write letters about him or perhaps himself ah the second ah uttered by indicated that a thought had flashed across his mind a thought not particularly complimentary to perhaps he said slowly writes these letters to the editor himself and if why not i it was a tempting alas too tempting opportunity to supply the editor of nursery days with the needed evidence that stories of the and the tree order were the most popular literary novelty of the day and the plot that failed to it in a moment of weakness i regret to have to record the fact that he passed the balance of the night writing letters from aged six and aged twelve and others dwelling in widely separated sections of the country to the number of at least two dozen all of which being an expert wrote in a of hands that was worthy of a better cause here are two of the letters he wrote that night l i have taken the nursery days for one year and think it is a very nice paper for i have two cats named lady and i have tried to solve the puzzle but think one answer is wrong i go to school and there are forty four scholars in my room my little sleeps all day long and at night she is playful she wakes me up in the morning and then waits till i get up who is mr who wrote that beautiful story about and the everybody of all ages from baby to my grandmother likes it and hopes you will print more by that author the plot that failed il n y our uncle in new york sends us nursery days every week we like it immensely and every one tries to get the first reading of it and the tree is a splendid story papa bought six copies of nursery days with that in it to send to my little cousins in england others were more of s story some less so but each demanded more of his work these written made arrangements to have them posted from the various towns wherein they were written and then when they had been posted he chuckled slightly and sat down to await it took a trifle over one week for to develop and then they developed rapidly just eight days after his conception of this magnificent scheme the whistled at s door and left this note office of nursery days new york march i esq dear sir can you call upon me some afternoon this week yours truly thomas editor nursery days the plot that failed the bait is good and til land the fish at once said his face with smiles i ll call upon mr thomas and call he did two hours later he entered the of the editor of nursery days good afternoon he said as he sat down at the editor s side good afternoon mr said mr i m very glad to see you i thought you d be began forgetting himself for a moment in his triumph if that wasn t evidence enough that i oh er ah why certainly he continued suddenly recalling the fact that as yet he could properly have no knowledge of the evidence in question the editor threw his head back and laughed and forced himself to join him nervously withal you have heard of the evidence have you asked mr gasped faintly and said he thought not well it s very strange mr said mr but do you know the plot that failed that you have developed into one of our most popular authors v indeed pulling himself together and trying to appear gratified yes sir here is a bundle of letters all received within three days one of the letters calls you the best writer of short stories of the day another from canada written by a parent says that you have written one of the most delightful bits of humor that he has seen in forty years how extremely flattering said faintly yes extremely assented the editor and now mr tm going to do for you what this paper has never done even to its most popular author in the past now my dear mr began gaining courage i beg you not to feel called upon to against your old in my favor your present of p are entirely you me mr interrupted mr what the plot that failed vm going to do to you that i never before have done even to our most popular author is to return to you at once every one of those highly entertaining you have favored us with we receive so many real letters from real children that of course we cannot to buy from you purely ones these of yours are well done but you see my point one does not pay for things that can be had perhaps later you will try us with something else he added with a grin here mr paused and tried to think of something to say it was all so sudden however and in spite of his so extremely unexpected that his breath was taken away he had neither breath nor presence of mind enough left even to deny the and when he did recover his breath he found himself walking down the stairs of the nursery days building with his bundle of in his hands i wonder how he caught on he groaned as half an hour later he entered his room and threw himself face downward on his couch the plot that failed investigation after dinner gave him a clue not one of the letters had been from the town in which it had been dated the envelope containing the letter bore the boston the had been sent from that from had been posted at | 27 |
and vice and so on through the whole list each and every one had through some evil chance started wrong in addition to this found that in a forgetful moment he had to two of the communications an response promising more work from mr i must have been by my success with and the tree he sighed as he cast the documents into the fire if that s the effect literary honors have on me better quit the profession which leaves only two things to be done i shall have to commit one of two crimes suicide or matrimony the question now is which he thought deeply for a moment and then putting on his hat and over the plot that failed coat he turned off the gas and left th room i ll call on borrow a from him and let the toss decide h said as he passed out into the night is it really any wonder that mr has given up literature the base ingratitude of m d the time has arrived when it is possibly proper that i should make a note of the base ingratitude of m d i have hesitated to do this hitherto for several reasons any one of which would prove a excuse for my not doing so to begin with i have known ever since he was a baby i have tossed him in the air to his own delight and to the consternation of his mother who feared lest i should fail to catch him on his way down or that i should the distance between the top of his head and the ceiling on his way up later i have held him on my knee and told him stories of an nature mostly of my own composition and have afterwards put these down upon paper and sold them to at great t so that in a sense i am d base ingratitude of m d to for some measure of my prosperity then when grew older i taught him the most approved methods of burning his fingers on the fourth of july and when he went to college i am convinced that he gained material aid from me in that i him my college scrap books which contained among other things a large number of examination papers which i marvel greatly to day that i w s ever able successfully to pass and which gave to him some hint as to the ordeal he was about to go through in his younger professional days also i have been s friend and have called him to minister to a pain i never had at four o clock in the morning simply because i had reason to believe that he needed four or five dollars to carry him through the hours of the day quotation books have told us that in love as well as in war all is fair and if this be true s ingratitude the of which cannot now give pain to any one becomes after all nothing more than a offence i do not place much reliance upon the so base ingratitude of m d of quotation books generally but when i remember my own young days and the things i did to the other fellow in that little affair which has brought so much happiness into y own life i am inclined to nail my flag to the in defence of the principle that lovers can do no wrong t is no ordinary stake that a lover plays or and if he the cards and in other ways turns his back upon the principles of his life as be i shall not blame him but u incline rather towards applause on the other hand something is due the young ladies in the case and as for their sake as for any other son have i set upon paper this ve of the man s ingratitude simply tell g the story and drawing no conclusions whatever was not endowed with much in the way of worldly possessions his father had died when the lad was very young and had left the boy and his mother to struggle on alone but there was that in both of them which enabled the mother to feel that the boy was worth struggling for and the boy at a very si base ingratitude of m d early age to realize the difficulties of the struggle and to like the difficulties because they afforded him an opportunity to help his mother either by not giving her unnecessary trouble or in bringing to her efforts in their mutual behalf aid of a very positive kind boys of this kind and in saying this i cast no reflections whatsoever upon that race of living creatures whom i admire and respect more than any other are so rare that it did not take the neighbors of the many days to discover that the chap was worth watching and if need be caring for in a way which should prove substantial there are so ways too in which one may help a without his self reliance thai on the whole it was not very difficult tc assist so when one of his neighbors employed him in his office at salary of eight dollars a week when other boys received only four for service the lad instead of feeling himself favored assumed an obligation and made himself worth five times as much as the other boys so that really his em base ingratitude of m d and not he belonged to the class some said it was a pity that little wasted his talents in a real estate office but they were the people who didn t know him he expended his nervous energy in the real estate office but his mind he managed to keep free for the night school and when it came to the ultimate it was | 27 |
found that little had wasted nothing he entered college when several other boys who had not served in a real estate office who had received from the and who had played while he had studied failed that his college days were a trial to his mother every one knew she wished to keep his end up and he did and x spending all that his mother sent him either the great trouble was that at the end of his college course it was understood that intended studying medicine when that crept out the neighbors sighed they the resolve among themselves but applauded the boy s intention to his face good for you jack said one you s base ingratitude of m are just the man for a doctor and i give you all my business this man of course was a another said jack you are right real estate and coal are not for you go in for medicine when my leg is cut off you shall do the cutting to avoid details however some of which would make a story in themselves jack went through college studied medicine received his as a full m d and settled down at corners for practice and practice did not come and income was not it was plainly visible to the community that was hard up as the saying is and daily growing more so to make matters worse it was now impossible to help him as the boy had been helped he was no longer a child but a man and the pleasing little which we had employed to induce the boy tc think he was making his way on his sturdy little legs with the man were ou of the question his clothing and there were stories of in sufficient nourishment as time went oi the outward and visible signs of hi f a se o e of m d et no one could de him and then came a solution and as it was brought about by the s f m e an association of a dozen charming young women in the city forming the society for mutual encouragement or enjoyment or or something else beginning with e i never could ascertain definitely what the e stood for it would seem as if the young ladies should have received greater consideration than they did when prosperity knocked at the doctor s door it seems that the doctor attended a dance one evening in a dress coat the quality and lack of quantity of which were a indication of a not to say extremely wardrobe all his charm of manner his grace in the dance his popularity could not blind others to the fact that he was ill dressed and the girls decided that something must be done and at once we might give a lawn for his benefit one of them suggested he isn t a church or a sunday school miss retorted besides i know jack well enough to know base ingratitude of m d that he would never accept charity from any one we ve got to help him we might all the fellows at dances suggested miss unless they will the doctor to dance with them unless they present a from jack proving that they are his said miss that wouldn t do any good they are all healthy and even if they did go to jack for a the chances are they wouldn t pay him they haven t much more money than he has i am afraid that is true assented miss indeed if they have any at all i can t say that they have given much sign of it this winter the fell through for lack of interest they said but i have my doubts on that score it s my private opinion they weren t willing or able to pay for it well i m sure i don t know what we can do to help jack if he had our combined pocket money he d still be poor sighed miss he couldn t be induced to take it s base ingratitude of m d unless he earned it said little you all know that cried miss clapping her hands i have it i have it i have it we ll put him in the way of earning it and they all put their heads together and the following was the result the next day jack s rang more often in an hour than it had ever done before in a month and every ring meant a call the first call was from miss and he responded fm so sorry to send for er doctor she said she had always called him jack before but now he had come for for but the poor dog is awfully sick to day and doctor was out of town do you mind certainly not he replied a shade of disappointment on his face i am inclined to believe he had hoped to find old mr at death s door if the dog is sick i can help him what are his symptoms and miss went on to say that her cherished she thought had base ingratitude of m d he was tired and lazy usually he the cow that over the moon in activity she to say that she had with her own hands given the poor beast a dose o the night before not to hurt him but sufficient to make bin appear tired and sleepy i must see my patient said th doctor will he come if whistle miss was to to this demand she was beginning t grow fearful that jack would see her little and that the of the s f m e would prove less oh she is isn t a child yo know he won t stick out his tongue you tell him to and er | 27 |
smiled mrs laughed there you go again he said i wonder why women can t argue without becoming ridiculous it would be mighty poor economy to pay for a as a substitute for a that is true said mrs i never thought of that of course you didn t retorted triumphantly of course you didn t and that s what i mean when i say you argue like a woman you get hold of what seems on the surface to be a regular retort and fail to see how it becomes a before you can say jack robinson i suppose if i hadn t been worried about the i would have thought of it said mrs meekly it the mr me to see a used for a purpose that a fifty cent bag would serve quite as well glanced at his wife hem he said quite right my dear quite right i think on the whole you would better get the bag for a few days after this little discussion was very about his ideas the more he thought of his wife s retort the less secure he felt in his own position and he was very sorry he had spoken about and but with time he recovered his and early in december returned to his old ways i ve just been up in the he said to his wife one sunday afternoon when he appeared on the scene rather dusty of aspect there s a whole lot of useful stuff up there going to waste i found four old hats any one of which would make a very good for the spare bedroom if it was trimmed and i don t see why you don t take these straw hats of mine and make work baskets of them the mr here he held out two relics of fashions to his wife mrs took them silently she was so filled with suppressed laughter over her husband s suggestions that she hardly dared to speak lest she should give way to her mirth and a man does not generally appreciate mirth at his own expense after he has been in an for an hour or more filling his lungs and covering his clothes and hands with dust however after a moment she managed to out perhaps i can make one of them dainty enough to send to your mother for her christmas present i was about to suggest that very same thing said brushing the dust from his sleeve either you could send it or was mr s small daughter i think s grandmother would be more pleased with a gift of that kind than with one of the useless little that children give on christmas day what did she give her last year the question was for it gave mrs a chance to laugh the mr outright with some other object than her husband she availed herself of the chance threw her head back and shook she sent her a ball of paper mrs said a faint smile flitted over s face well it might have been worse he said she can use it for he paused a moment then he said i want to say to you my dear that ah i want christmas celebrated this year after my plan of selection instead of our hard earned dollars on things no sensible person wants and none can use we will consider first of all practical utility very well sighed mrs i quite agree as far as you and i are concerned but how about the children i don t think would feel very happy to wake up on christmas morning and find a pair of and a new suit of clothes under the tree he needs both but he wants tin soldiers and as for she expects a doll well i don t wish to be hard on the children said mr but now is the time to begin training them the mr there may be a temporary ment but in the end they will be pier for it of course i don t give them necessities of life for c but in selecting what we do them get something useful tin soldiers and toy are enough in their way but they are useless therefore i say give them such things surely ft would be pleased to receive a nice fur or a and til get a handsome snow that h use when he off the paths won t mind it will be a gift worth ing and by degrees he ll come v that the plan of utility is a good on mrs held tongue although she was far proving s course in so far affected the children she aj to the proposition but there was the of an idea in her eye the days intervening before ci passed rapidly away and eve finally came and w were over with and frequently went off of there was s he mr ing very funny in the wind evidently ter dinner the small family repaired to library where the children were in l c habit of their gifts for parents on the night before christ s mrs was beaming and was mr the children had en informed of what they were to ex j ct and after an hour or two of regret h had put their little heads together a half dozen times and accepted l e situation your mother has presented me with ton of coal children said happily now you may think a funny sort of gift papa said awful funny said with glee well it does seem so at first but how much better to give me that han to present me with something that i could look at for a few days and then would have no further use for that s so pa said i guess youve right said got for ma i have given her a brand new | 27 |
set of the mr china for the dining room sa and it was just what i needed mrs happily and children go up stairs and bring your presents for your father the children sped out room and up the stairs i hope you impressed it or minds that i wanted nothing us said i did said mrs the whole thing to told them what they might then i gave them each t of the money they d saved i them go on their own a i don t know what they bough but it s something huge mrs had hardly fi when the two can the room carrying with difficulty which as mrs ha was indeed huge mr it with curiosity as the string w fastened and the burst there cried it s all for you pa from me the mr the two children stood to one side m rs appeared surprised in an amused fashion while stood appalled at what lay before him as well he might for the contained a great wax doll with deep staring blue eyes a small doll s house with two floors ill it and a front door that opened china and chairs and table and in miniature to furnish the house indeed a ll the of a well ordered residence for a french doll besides these were two boxes of tin soldiers can on tents swords a fully equipped lead a mechanical fish and a small suitable for a in a t a th tub looked at the children and the children looked at why said he as soon as he could cover his there must be me mistake no said we picked em t for you ourselves we thought you d need em mrs turned away to cough slightly need them demanded ith a perplexed frown when the mr oh to morrow said what for demanded why to give to of course said ti children in chorus my dear said two later after the children had retire been thinking this thing over yes said mrs yes said and ma up my mind that those children of ou are born i don t believe aft all they could have selected which would be more satisfactorily us ful in the present emergency well observed mrs qui i don t either i thought so a the time when they asked my sion to do their at the inter national toy it s a retort just th same said as he shook hi head and went to bed i think on th ist of january if you have no objection mrs i will and you may remove the balls from the as soon a you choose the book of mr many another town which frank v itself to be a city of the class corners is not ly well provided but somewhat over with institutions a public and semi public nature the generosity of persons who never si e to but are often identified with associations of intent of one kind and another in corners as elsewhere is frequently the cause of embarrassment to persons who do give without being lavish of the so called influence of their names there are quite a dozen individuals out of the forty thousand souls who live in that favored town who find it convenient to g ve away as much as five hundred dollars for the maintenance of milk and other deserving of the book of mr similar nature for the close of each year those given to this extent are by reports issued i of the various institutions failure to make both i and everybody wonders why has not been taken i have our names the never occurs to anybody thai charity is better than si it has never entered into the the of these man disposed to give away dollars could make his the public welfare more giving the to one stead of dividing it among however human nature is everywhere and until the sounds mankind will be taking more charity than it through successfully not corners but would be difficult to fix the for this state of affairs the large generosity of those their names and the may consider itself a so the book of mr honors in this somewhat vital matter it may be too that the large generosity of people who really are largely generous with their thousands has something to do with it there is more than one ten thousand dollar town in existence which has accepted a hundred hospital from generously disposed citizens and the other citizens thereof have properly hailed their benefactor s name with loud but the hundred thousand dollar hospital which might have been a fifty thousand dollar hospital with an of fifty thousand more to make it self supporting has a tendency to ruin other quite as worthy because its maintenance dry the pockets of those who have to give it will require a course of training i fear to open the eyes of the public to the fact that even generosity can be and i must any desire to the process of securing their awakening for it is an ungrateful task to even a generous person and man being by nature prone to thoughtless judgments the critic of a who a million of dollars f i the book of mr to provide shell for bald beggars would shortly find himself in hot water therefore let us discuss not the causes but some of the results of the system which has placed upon sub shoulders such seemingly hopeless burdens at comers the book of mr one of the were one of these results there were two of these the first like all book for charity consisted largely of the of and cake the second was different but i shall not deal with that until i have described the first this had been given at mr s house with the cheerful consent of mrs the | 27 |
mr jones s motion was carried and before the meeting finally under the genial influence of good fellowship and pleasant converse mr s second book sale was to have been of the best quality ix the of however from places corners ma y be in most instances in the matter obtaining and retaining efficient dome the citizens of that charming tow find it like all other of its class civilization brings with i everywhere it would seem difficult of solution and among them may be mentioned the sex problem it is probable that only really happy young couple ever escaped the annoyance of this particular evil were adam and eve and as one their case it was the interference of a third party in the matter of their diet that brought all their troubles upon them so that even they may not be said to have enjoyed complete from domestic trials what quality it is in human nature that i the of a competent or a truly artist to the country side and to prefer the dark r like of the city houses it is to why the housekeeper finds her choice limited autumn to the maid that the city have chosen to reject is not clear hat these are the conditions which only the favored rustic can deny in comers even were there rich red upon the trees no i on the walls no in l e air to indicate the season all would when autumn had arrived by the hunted look upon the faces of e good women of that place as they de on the trains to and from the offices of the city looking for additions to their m of course mi comers as elsewhere it is t to employ home talent but to o this requires larger means than most possess for the very sim le reason that the home talent is always endowed with these latter to the number of eight or ten which observation would the of lead one to believe is the average of the successful local cook for instance increase materially the butcher s and s bills and one not the coal man s as well years ago when he was young and inexperienced the writer of this narrative his suspicions having been aroused by the seeming social popularity of his cook took occasion one sunday afternoon to count the number of mysterious of about a pound in weight each which set forth from his kitchen and were carried along his walk in various stages of ineffectual concealment by the lady s visitors the result was by no means appalling seven being the total but that seven was a fair estimate of the whole week s and that the stream flowed on sundays only and not steadily through the other six days the annual on a basis of fifty weeks giving the cook s generosity a two weeks three hundred and fifty pounds of something were diverted from his into channels for which they were not originally designed and on a of twenty five cents apiece his contribution the of to his cook s became thereby very nearly one hundred dollars add to this the probable gifts to fortunate relatives of a competent local of an equally generously disposed with cousins not to mention the genial open handed generosity of a hired man in the matter of wood and and living becomes expensive with local talent to help it is in recognition of this seemingly cast iron rule that local service is too expensive for persons of modest income that the modern economical house wife prefers to fill her with maids from the metropolis even though it happen that she must take those who for one reason or another have failed to please her city sisters it may be too that this is one of the reasons for the constant changes in most houses for it is equally that once an alien becomes she takes on a of adopted relatives who in the course of time become as much of a drain upon the treasury of the household as the pure article the had been through the g r the of domestic mill in its every phase ti had had and and i maids and maids and maids ot maids they had been face to face w and murder mrs parted a armed with a flat ii from a cook armed with ice pick and twice the ministers of law had carried certain won bodily forth with the of lest they should return later and the family from the list of living all of which contributed to mrs bi s and rather than diminished her natural timid on the other hand professed know no fear but according to his the that ways and means were his care a that the domestic affairs of his hold were his wife s and beyond his held himself aloof and s never a word to the what he did to mrs why don t you mrs one morning after had made a few remarks to his w which were not to her taste the of as she felt that she had done nothing to deserve them i didn t burn the that is very true my dear said but you are responsible for the cook who did it would never do for me to interfere i have troubles enough with my office boys this is your not mine and until i ask you to my clerks you mustn t ask me to your servants with this sage remark the at once took his departure time passed and it so happened one autumn that the once happy household found itself in the of a particularly case of cook she was a sixteen cook and had been recommended as being splendid in just what respect she showed her splendor save in her lack of manners and the | 27 |
marvellous of her on her sundays out was never perceptible but one thing that was wholly clear at the end of a three weeks service was her independence of manner meals were never ready on time and the dinner hour instead of being a fixed time beneath her sway seemed to become a point according to the r i j o v the of lady s whim in the of tht breakfast hour she was equally and on several trying occasions was on the verge of the of either failing to keep an appointment in town or going without his morning meal sometimes the coffee would come to the table a thin that tasted like particularly bad again it would be served with all the thickness of a e her bread was in its there were that held all the charm of a there were of bread that reminded one of the stories of in during the late there were english that rested upon poor s as the world may fairly be presumed to rest upon the shoulders of and indeed it is a tradition in the family that one of this cook s pie steel in its indeed usually a silent sufferer commented upon this quality of s on two different occasions on the first he advised mrs to learn the secret of s of the of a the of crust and have to rival the which provide the government with plate on the second he made the sage though disagreeable remark that the next we have should be served with individual steam and he one day accompanied mrs to a quiet links and when he had up that good lady observed one of s upon the little mound of sand before him instead of his favorite ball i cut up the ball so he said as he addressed the tee that fm ashamed of myself i may not play any better with this but it will never show the marks of the irons as a bit of mere would if you feel that way about mrs observed just as was about to drive off with a real ball i don t see why you don t discharge her took his eye off the ball to look indignantly upon his wife and consequently discharge her why should i discharge her he demanded his temper as he observed where he had landed his ball i m not running the loi the of house my dear you are i didn t a you to tell miss that she couldn t spell she was no long useful as a in the office why should y ask me to tell a cook that her are no longer required in the ment of of which y are the manager it isn t easy to discharge a girl m began particularly a some woman like oh that s it said y are afraid of her not exactly said mrs brink of course if you are afraid of her i get rid of her persisted ly just wait until we get home i show you a thing or two when it com to one s self of an se the this morning like a stake that had be burned at and i am not afraid to say so and so it was decided that brink on his return home should and inform her that her would not be required after the first the month i the of now let s play he said i ll settle in a minute fore how fulfilled his promise is shown by his talk with mrs t next morning when somewhat red c f face he rejoined her in the after his interview with well said mrs it s all right replied with an uneasy glance at his wife she s going to stay going to stay echoed mrs her eyes opening wide in a very natural astonishment why i thought you were going to discharge her i was he said i was of course that s what i went down for but er you know my dear that there are two sides to every question even to s mrs laughed never mind that she s going to do better said you ll find that hereafter we ve got a cook and not an nor a of plate and may i ask how this wonderful reform has been worked in the brief space of ten minutes asked mrs have you her the of no said then he lo rather out of the i ve given her an to do b i ve increased her wages mrs gazed at him open mouthed wonder for a full minute you did what asked mrs br i told her we d give her a month instead of sixteen you needn t laugh he a i began very severely asked her she meant by our wishes hours i dilated upon h parent fondness for burning crisp and sending chicken t table looking as if somebody had a flat iron on them good exclaimed mrs br and what did she say was sh not a bit of it said took it very nicely until i spoke c after which i had intend give her notice to quit but she too wind completely out of my sails b ing me what i expected at sixteen d a month ah said mrs the exactly said that was a point i had not considered at all after all she was right what can you expect for sixteen dollars well what next asked mrs her eyes a twinkle i asked her if she thought she could do better on twenty dollars he answered she thought she could and that s the way it stands now i see said mrs and then she burst into a perfect explosion of laughter which she soon however as she noticed the expression on poor s face i ve no doubt | 27 |
you have acted with perfect justice in this matter my dear george she said but i think hereafter i ll do my own your way is rather extravagant er don t you really think so perhaps said and departed for town the madam is right about that he said to himself later in the day as he thought over the incident but extravagant or not i couldn t have discharged that woman if somebody had offered me a clear hundred mrs b the of doesn t know it but i was in a blue fu from start to finish in which was mrs b did know it and when two later became absolutely m ble and demanded a kitchen maid as of a twenty dollar cook mr didn t think of calling upon husband to perform the function of the but like a brave woman actually summoned the cook into her presence and did it herself a less courageous woman would have gone down stairs into the kitchen to do it it was a rather remarkable affair taken altogether was not what one would call an attractive man and none of the young women of corners who had met him had ever manifested anything but a pronounced aversion to his society rather be a wall flower than dance with sam one of these young women had said he not only can t dance but what is infinitely worse he doesn t know that he can t dance and as for his conversation well give me silence you are perfectly right about that said another whenever i see him about to or two step i immediately remove myself from the scene and pray for the girl he s dancing with he is a train and the favorite resting place for his heels is on some one else s foot i ve heard that he steps on his own feet too he s so awkward and i hope he does if it hurts him as much as he hurts me when he steps on mine for s sake i am very sorry to say that this feeling towards him was invariable cared much for him myself but i felt rather sorry for him when i perceived the persistent with which he was everywhere received he never seemed aware of it himself happily however and accepted my merely sympathetic attentions with that which always goes with conscious conscious i think was s trouble he was good and he was aware of it but he was not content with that he wanted everybody else to be good i really believe that could have carried on a love affair with an haired girl for ten weeks without an effort he was so terribly good which did not at all contribute to his popularity ta fellow who talks about walking in the moonlight with a sentimental woman j doesn t count for much and was always doing things like that it io v was even whispered last winter when he went riding with that fascinating little widow mrs that he let her do the driving clasped his own hands in front of him and talked of nothing but the of the in and never mentioned or cold and a bottle and worst of all snapped mrs he really seemed to enjoy it i never saw such a man i have mentioned all these details for the purpose of indicating how was and how it was that he had become so for with this knowledge the reader will share the surprise which we all felt when suddenly forth as the most popular man of corners it was really a blow to the most of us for while we may have been jealous on occasions of each other it never occurred to any of us to be jealous of the train i didn t like it when smiled upon harry but it was not injurious to my self respect that she should do it because harry up as good a fellow as i am and then harry and i could drown our j differences in the flowing bowl later on on the other hand if harry s side glances at me of course would be but he could why should be so affected b the twinkle in my ey an affection b the way which has often got me into trouble that she for the moment forget herself and re to it but when and or a sudden just after the leap year dance wholly and as we thought deserted us for that emblem of conscious sam a man whose eye couldn t learn to twinkle in a years a mere human then ii was that we were astounded nor wa this limited to the of the girl of comers to was a complete as comprehensive as it wa startling to the men jack aj bob expressed it was down by who appeared to have eyes for none but while bob in turn when going to make his usual thursday evening call upon miss discovered that miss had no ot hi i gone to the university extension lecture th the train an act for it had long been the torn for bob to spend his thursday l f at the mansion and while had as yet been announced in town was getting his con ready for bob as soon as t which was understood became a latter of common knowledge i or a week or two we none of us let that we had observed the remarkable that had come o er the spirit of ur dreams harry has always been re for his ability to conceal his f s and in that respect i am a good sec j and except for the fact that we spent ore time at the club playing pool no would have suspected that we cared l or still loved or not besides we each had a | 27 |
all t heaven suppose it was he married s r was his preposterous he ll never do that said lie s in now and for the first me in his life and the more of an ass is the more he ll like he s i attention to the lot he ll never down to one it s all up with us unless he himself he won t observed harry conscious won t do anything like that i m going to new york to all on an old flame and i advise the est of you to do the same well i don t know but what you re right said i but shall liave one more chance i m going to c to morrow it s sunday ind i ll offer to escort her home if she says yes all right if she doesn t i m lost to her forever good scheme the we re with you and that is what we all did th girls were all there in and of other sorts an the was there too h passed the plate after the sermon an his shone out o every line of his face it was as as i could do to keep from him up in the aisle and sending him and th contribution plate i did it when i imagined his feelings the rattled down through th register into the furnace below but restrained myself and the killing he threw into those glass eyes of hi whenever he happened to hold the before one of those g i was sickening and i came near to before the close of the service th others had the same sensations an temptations and it is a wonder tha did not meet with some dread ful humiliation before he got the col back into the j it was sat terrible strain on us and his horrid that he was anything bust perfect and that the rest of us were any ii thing more than so many stones to be walked on was to a nothing unusual happened and the service came to an and with it came to us all another surprise but this time the surprise gave a pain and i had a front seat hen the blow was dealt it had occurred to the of all the manhood of comers that he would honor ith his society on the way home from and he and i reached her side ter service at one and the same moment may i have the pleasure of seeing you home said his with a resist me if you can on his lips don t let me interfere said i nd was about to turn away thank you mr replied a but mr has al asked me it was a beautiful lovely sweet lie i t done anything of the sort but i d meant to of course and perhaps had become a mind reader got a little around his y cheek bones and posted off to but she and were already route and apparently reconciled so went with all was left e my sister who lacking have to walk home with the wife declined and the fall of the man was complete mary brown v the only one remaining in the field a when he to her she said she was going home well then said let take you to wherever you are going thank you returned miss fm not going there either and i joined and myself much our delight for we have no secrets fr her and then it all came out the girls had not loved us less more but they had resolved keep lent with unusual this ye they had sworn and taken up h for penance hard on not a bit of it he s as conscious his and as unconscious of as ever only he is a little more about women than he used to be a somehow or other he has let it creep out that he doesn t find them interesting they can t even learn to dance without a fellow up says he the mayor s lamps the serpent had crept into th household for ten years had little less than paradise to its inmates and then in a single night the o political ambition had dragged his length through those happy door post and now sat grinning at the inscription over the library mantel a ribbon bearing the sentiment her dwells content let into the thereof how it ever happened no man but happen it did was snatched from the arms of peace and plunged headlong into th jaws of political warfare they want me because they fm strong he pleaded in his acceptance of the for mayor of his town but you ought to know better returned mrs failing to realize the mayor s lamps what possible her lord and master might put upon the answer the idea of your in politics when you ve got twice as much work as you can do already i think it s awful i didn t seek it he said after hesitating a moment they ve they ve thrust it on me then he tried to be funny with me public office is a public thrust is there any salary asked mrs treating the jest with the contempt it no said not a cent not a cent cried mrs and you are going to give up all your career or at least two years of it and probably the best two years of your life glory said glory said mrs i am not aware that nations are talking of previous of corners mr s name is not a household word outside of this city is it mr was the gentleman into the mayor s lamps whose shoes was seeking to place his feet the incumbent of mighty office to which he who is the | 27 |
present lord mayor of london the lady continued haven t the slightest idea murmured the standard bearer of the party hopelessly or or or even of she went on what has that got to do with it retorted the worm turning a trifle you spoke of glory the glory of being mayor of comers a city of inhabitants ft his is going to send your name echoing from sea to sea through europe and thundering down through the ages to and yet you admit that the glories of the of london with souls of and with millions more are so slight that you can t remember their names or even to have heard them for that matter really i am surprised at you what you expect to get out of this besides nervous i must confess i cannot see lamps said clutching the mayor s lamps like a drowning man at the one of the office mrs gazed at her husband anxiously the answer was so unexpected and seemingly so absurd that she or a moment feared he had lost his ind the notion that two years ce in so important an office as that of mayor of corners received as s sole reward nothing but lamps was to cr mind impossible is is there anything the matter with u dear she asked placing her hand his brow you don t seem feverish feverish snapped the leader of his i who said anything about my ing feverish nobody dear but what you id about lamps made think made e think your mind was wandering a trifle that laughed no indeed it s true they always give the mayor a pair of lamps some of them are very swell too you know those wrought iron standards that mr has in front of his place the ones at the entrance on the the mayor s lamps yes they re beauties always admired those lamps very much well they are the rewards of mr s political virtue i paid for them and so did all the rest of the they are his mayor s lamps and if i m elected i ll have a pair just like them if i want them like that oh i do hope you ll get in said the little woman anxiously after a pause they d look on our gate posts i don t think i shall have them there said has the right idea seems to me he s put em on the posts of his front porch steps i don t suppose they d give us the money and let us buy one handsome lamp from s would they mrs asked a lamp on a gate post laughed of course not rejoined the lady you know i didn t mean any such thing i saw a perfectly beautiful lamp in s last wednesday and it would go so well in the parlor that wouldn t be possible my dear the mayor s lamps said still smiling you don t quite catch the idea of those lamps they re sort of like the red white and blue lights in a store window in intention they are put up to show the public that that is where a political for the body may be the public is responsible for the bills and the public expects to use what little light can be extracted from them then all this generosity on the public s part is merely that of the indian who g and takes back said and they must be out of doors asked mrs if i set the lamp in the window it wouldn t do no said they must be out of doors well i hope the nasty old public will stay there too and not come all over my house snapped mrs indignantly and then for a little time the discussion of the mayor s lamps stopped the campaign went on and night after night was forced to go out the mayor s lamps to speak here and there and everywhere one night he travelled five miles fc mud and rain to address an tion of tax and found them assembled before the long mahogany counter of a beer saloon which was th e hall they had secured for the reception of the idol of their hopes and among them it is safe to say there was not one who ever saw a tax bill and not many who knew more about those luxuries of life than the delicious by mr punch who says to a brother i say is taxes and he told them his principles and promised to do his best for them and bade them good night and went away leaving them and dry and downcast and then the other fellow came and won their hearts and set them up again another night he attended another meeting and lost a number of friends because he shone at both ends but not in the middle if he had taken a glittering coin or two from his pocket on behalf of the noble working men there assembled in great numbers and mood they would have forgiven him his wit and the mayor s lamps patent leather shoes and so it went was nightly hauled hither and yon by the man he called his the manager of the wild animal felt himself gradually to and his wife and home and children saw less of him than of the unimportant floating whose mind was open to conviction but could be reached only by way of the throat two o clock last night one o clock the night before i suppose it be three before you are in to night mrs said i do not know my dear replied there are five meetings on for to night well i think they ought to give you the lamps now said mrs it seems to me this | 27 |
is when you need them most true said sadly for in his secret soul he was beginning to be afraid he would be elected and now that he saw what kind of people have to associate with the glory of it did not seem to be worth the cost i m a sort of night mayor just at present and those lamps would come in handy in the i the mayor s lamps hours he groaned and then h sighed and for the peaceful da of when he was content to walk his ways with no nation upon his shoulders i never envied anyhow he confided to himself later as he tossed about upon his bed and called himself names it always seemed to me that this revolving globe must rub the skin off his neck and back but now poor devil with just one hanging over me i can appreciate more than ever the difficulties of his position except that he doesn t have to make speeches to tax it s tax makers if i d promised to go into all sorts of wilderness improvement for the sole and only purpose of putting these tax on the at the expense of real laboring men win in a what is the matter said mrs coming in from the other room can t you sleep don t want to sleep my dear returned the candidate when i go to sleep i dream i m addressing mass meetings i can t enjoy my rest unless i the mayor s lamps y awake did your mother come to yes and oh she s so enthusiastic at last about me you don t mean it no about the lamps she says lamps are just what we need to complete the entrance she thinks mr s scheme of putting them on the stone posts is the best there s more dignity about it putting them on the steps she says looks and suggests a beer saloon or a road house well my dear that s about all politics seems to amount to said the if those lamps are to be a of the campaign they ought to suggest road houses and beer they will not be of a campaign replied mrs proudly they will be the outward and visible sign of my s merit the emblem of victory the red of triumph eh smiled the candidate well my dear have them where you please and keep them well filled with the mayor s lamps even if they do burn gas they ll represent the tax when they get that you t get so tired dear said the little woman his forehead soothingly with her hand you seem unusually tired to night i am said shortly the debate wore me out did you debate i thought you said you wouldn t well i did everybody said i was afraid to meet captain on the platform so we had it out to night over in the tenth ward i talked for minutes gave em my views and then he got up what did he say could he answer you no but he won the day all he said was well boys fm not much of a but i ll say one thing while my adversary is still my friend and i m proud of him now if you ll all join me at the bar we ll drink his health on me paused and then he added i imagine they re cheering yet at any rate if i have as much health as they drink on i ll the mayor s lamps double old in the matter of years the next morning at breakfast the pale and nervous standard bearer was affectionately greeted by his mother i ve been thinking about those lamps all night she said after a few minutes the trouble about the gate posts is that you have three gate posts and only two lamps maybe they d let us buy three lamps instead of two suggested mrs well we won t even if they do let us observed with some irritation he had just received a newspaper from a kind friend in with a comic biography and dissipated of himself in it i m not starting a concert hall and i m not going to put a row of lamps along the front of my place i quite agree with you replied his mother in law it occurred to me we might put them like hanging on each of the chimneys it would be odd muttered two to himself the latter of which sounded like the mayor s lamps m but exactly what it was he sa id i can only guess then he won t go there i can t get a gas pipe up through those chimneys it s as much as we can do to get the smoke up much less a gas pipe j even if we got the gas pipe through it wouldn t do a would choke up the well i don t know said the law placidly it seems to me a glance from mrs stopped the dear old lady i think mrs s sympathetic disposition taught her that her husband was having a hard time being agreeable and that further discussion of the lamp question was likely to prove disastrous was soon called for by his manager and started out to meet the leading lights of the and italian quarters the had been made solid the day before and as for the irish they were supposed to be with on principle because was not in accord with the existing administration it s too bad he s so nervous said his mother in law as he went out the mayor s lamps hey say women are nervous but i st say i don t think much of the en ance of men how absurd he was m | 27 |
he spoke of the gas pipe through chimney well i suppose my dear mother mrs sadly i suppose he t be with little details like lamps now there are other to be considered what is the exact issue asked the her in law well the and ah and ah money and ah ah i ik the saloon question enters in i believe mr wants more hem and says there are many of them as it is and now r are both them i y because was in one the tr day we ought to help him a little said elder woman let s just relieve of the whole lamp question decide re to put them go to new york and them out get for the the pipes and surprise him by ing them all ready to put up the day r election the mayor s lamps wouldn t it be fun cried mrs he ll be so poor dear boy i ll do it i ll send down this morning for mr o to come up here and see how we can make the connection and where the for the pipes can be laid mr o is the best known in town and i guess he s the man we want and immediately o was for to come up to mr s and the fair were not aware of and probably will never realize the importance of that act mr o refused to come but it was hinted about that had summoned him and there was great joy among the rank and file and woe among the better elements for o was a and a whose power was one of the things was trying to break and the fancied that the of purity had realized that without o reform was fallen into the pit as cities of the third class like corners live on and it was not an hour before almost all corners except himself the mayor s lamps nd his manager knew that the idol had bowed before the s hat and that the had returned the grand message that he d see in the river before he d go to his damned temple and in two hours they also knew it for they heard in no uncertain terms from the secretary of the club a reform organization which had been in securing s who demanded to know in an explicit yes or no as to whether any such message had been sent the denial was made and then the lie was given and many to this day wonder exactly where the truth lay at any rate were lost and few gained and many a worthy friend of good government lost heart and the of the gentleman into the worn out irritated by if not angry at what he termed the lying of the opposition drove home for luncheon and found his wife and her mother in a state of high they had been insulted it was frightful the language that man used said mrs the mayor s lamps he wouldn t have dared do it except by put in the mother in law whose notions were somewhat old fashioned i ve always hated that machine people can lie to you and you can t look em in the eye over it and they can say things to your face with absolute opportunity the dear old lady meant but it must be remembered that she was excited well i think he ought to be said mrs who what are you talking about demanded that nasty o man said mrs he said he d be damned over the wire immediately became energetic he didn t you did he he demanded yes he did said mrs the water in her eyes affecting her voice so that it became instead of merely melodious but how persisted well we we rang him up it was only as a surprise you know dear we rang him up the mayor s lamps you you rang up o cried aghast it must have been a surprise yes we were going to settle the lamp question we thought you were enough with well with affairs of state the candidate drew up proudly but immediately became limp again as he realized the situation and mrs continued we thought we d relieve you of the lamp question and as mr o is a great the most noted in all corners isn t he yes yes yes he is said furiously but what of that well that s why we rang him up said mrs with a sigh of relief to find that she had selected the right man we wanted mr o to dig the for the pipes and lay the pipes r he s a great pipe ejaculated exactly rejoined mrs solemnly we d heard that and so we asked him to come up but my dear cried dis the mayor s lamps you didn t tell him you wanted him to put up my lamps i m not elected yet the agony of the moment for can be better imagined than he didn t give us the chance said the mother in law he merely swore drew a sigh of relief he understood it all now and in spite of the position in which he was placed he was glad jove he said to himself it was a narrow escape suppose o had come he d have enjoyed laying pipes for a mayor s lamps for me two weeks before election and for the first time in weeks was faintly the of his escape had made him hysterical and he actually indulged in the luxury of a nervous laugh that accounts for the he said to himself and then his heart grew heavy again the is true and oh well this is | 27 |
what i get for in politics if i ever get out of this alive i vow by all the gods politics shall know me no more it was all right my asking o asked mrs the mayor s lamps oh yes certainly my dear perfectly right o is indeed as you thought the most noted not to say notorious in town only he s not laying pipes just now he s pulling wires for i presume said the old lady placidly well in a way replied there s a great deal of about o s wires but he added seriously just drop the lamps until we get em and confine your to your intimate friends an on a in political times is apt to be a trifle in his choice of words if you must talk to one of em remember to put in the lightning before you begin with which the candidate departed to address the an independent political organization in the second ward which was made up of thinking men who never a candidate without knowing why and rarely before three o clock of the afternoon of election day at that by whom he was received with cheers and back and button which convinced him that he was the most popular man the mayor s lamps on earth though on election i election day has yet to be described came and with it there came to a feeling very much like that which small boy experiences on the day christmas he has been good for months and he knows that to mon the period of will be over i he can be as bad as he pleases again a little while anyhow however it turns out i can tell all to go to the devil to morrow cl rubbing his hands g fully i don t think you ought to forget lamps observed the in law at breakfast here it is elect day and you haven t yet decided they shall go now i really think never mind the lamps let s talk of be to day to morrow we can place lamps very well if you say so said the lady only i marvel at you in my young days a small ma like that would have been settled h ago well ril compromise with you s the mayor s lamps we won t wait until tomorrow ril decide the question to night i m really too busy now to think of them i shall be glad when we don t have to think about em at all sighed mrs pouring out the candidate s coffee they ve really been a care to me i don t like the idea of putting them on the porch or on the gate posts either they ll have to be kept clean and goodness knows i can t ask the girls to go out in the middle of winter to clean them if they are on the gate posts will clean them said mrs when s name was mentioned i doubt it she said he s been lots of good for two weeks has been lots of good for two weeks echoed he s kept all the hired men in line my dear i ve no doubt he s been of use but from a domestic point of view he s been awful he s been drunk for the last week well my love said the candidate h the mayor s lamps some member of the had to be drunk for the last week and i d rather it was than you oi any of the children s hai shed a radiance about me among th hired men of this town that fills me pride i don t see to go back to what said in the very beginning why we can have the lamps in doors returned mr i told you why not my dear they are the the mayor but for the benefit of the lie because the public pays for them and hasn t the public as you call i taken possession of the inside of house demanded the mother in lai i found seven gentlemen sitting in tl white and gold parlor only last nigh and they hadn t wiped their feet either you don t understand faltered tl standard bearer that business isn permanent to morrow i ll tell them t go round to the back door and ask tl cook said the mother in i m surprised at you for a few you the mayor s lamps just here the front door bell rang d the business of the day beginning stopped the conversation which bade air to become unpleasant i came the were being p and at six o clock was that everything was going his get your place ready for a brass band ci a his manager i sha n t ejaculated the candidate himself his old time independence itself now that the were and he was right he didn t ve to the band did not play in his f nt yard for at eight o clock the tide t had set in strong for turned t ten according to that had been things were about even and the dies retired at twelve turned the gas that settles the lamp question any ow he whispered to himself as he vent up stairs and then he went into rs s room well he said it s all over nd i ve made up my mind as to where the lamps are to go k the lamps good said the little woman the gate posts no dear in the parlor the cl lamps from s why i thought you said c couldn t well we can our lamps can go in there whether the public likes it or not we are but i don t understand began m rs oh it s simple said with | 27 |
a sigh of mingled relief and it s simple enough the other are to be put er on captain s place the balance of power it was a pleasant night in the spring the of comers re enjoying an early springs and from the influences a election incidentally candidate was to feel very much like moses he saw the promised land afar le promised land was now in plain ht but whether or not the name of should be inscribed in one of its places depended upon the on the morrow were to let their balls express their choice as to who should over the interests of the city and id in check the fiery of corners the candidate was tired very tired d was trying to gain a few hours rest fore plunging again and for the last the balance of power time into the of vote getting and as he sat enjoying a few moments of ease behind the close drawn of his library there came the much dreaded sound of heavy feet upon the porch without and the door bell rang cried the candidate in an stage whisper as the maid approached in answer to the summons tell them i m out unless it s some one of my personal friends was the answer oi will and the door was opened is in came a deep voice from without oi no are a personal friend of was the response and the heart of the listening sought his boots oi am not but said the deep voice thin he isn t in said positively when he be back asked the visitor ye say ye met him demanded the balance oe power oi told ye oi hadn t said the visitor a trifle thin he ll be back put in the glorious and she shut the door with considerable force and retired for a moment the candidate was overcome first he but then catching mrs s eye and noting a twinkle of amusement therein he yielded to his emotions and roared with laughter what if s manner was had she not carried out instructions my dear said the candidate to mrs as the shuffling feet on the porch off into the night what wages do you pay sixteen dollars was the answer why make it twenty hereafter replied the candidate she is an beyond price if i had only let her meet the committee when they entered our little three weeks ago i should not now be involved in this wretched game of politics well i sincerely wish you had mrs observed heartily this affair has made a very different man of you the balance of power and as for your family they hardly see you any more you are every single household duty for your horrid old politics well now my dear began the candidate the pipes in the have been for four days now and yet you won t send for a or even let me send for one continued mrs well dear how can i the race is awfully close it wouldn t surprise me if the majority either way was less than a hundred there you go again what on earth has the in the pipes to do with the political situation asked the puzzled woman the candidate showed that in spite of his recent he still retained some remnant of his former self respect for he blushed as he thought of the explanation but he tried nevertheless to out of it of course you can t understand he said with a cowardly resolve to the issue that s because you are a woman women don t understand great political questions and what i the balance of power have particularly liked about you is that you never pretended that you did well rd like to know persisted mrs i want to be of as much assistance to my husband in his work as i can and if public questions are hereafter to be the problems of your life they must become my problems too besides my curiosity is really aroused in this especial case and love to know what bearing our calling a has upon the or the money question or any other thing in politics the candidate hesitated he was and he did not exactly like the prospect he began you see vm standing as the representative of a great party and we we naturally wish to win if i am defeated every one will say that it is a rebuke to the administration at washington and so you see we d better let those until day after tomorrow when the will all be over mrs looked at her husband narrowly i think ril have to call the doctor was her comment either for you or for myself one of us is gone the balance of power wholly gone mentally there s no question about it either you are rambling in your speech or i have entirely lost all comprehension of the english language i don t see began neither do i interrupted mrs and i hardly hope to you ve explained and explained but how a s calling here to fix a is to rebuke the administration at washington is still far beyond me but the are said to hold the balance of power cried the candidate there are a hundred of them here in corners and each one at least five which makes six hundred in all if i call in one he and his five workers will vote for me but the other five hundred and ninety four will vote for and if they do the administration might as well go out of business can t you see it s the same with the these spring are perfect ah for a candidate if it happens to be an early spring like this s voice had the suggestion of a wail in | 27 |
it as he spoke of the the balance of power lion and his wife s alarm grew upon her she understood now about the but his of the had brought a fearful doubt into her heart surely he was losing his mind she echoed aghast yes retorted the candidate forcibly they ve me as much as anything the neighbors say i m not a good neighbor because i don t have them pulled s been so thoroughly all through the fight looking after my interests that he can t pull them and if i hire two men to come and do the work seven hundred other men will want to know why they didn t get a chance but why not employ boys demanded mrs an be set down as an advocate of cheap child labor not i cried then the are another balance of power are they asked rs beginning to grow somewhat easier in her mind as to her s the balance of power precisely you have a very remarkable gift of insight answered the candidate and how many of power are there demanded the lady the lord only knows sighed i ve made about eighty of em solid already but as soon as one balance is fixed a thousand others rise up like s ghost and will not down i haven t a doubt that it was a balance of power that just turned away from the front door they strike you everywhere why even ruined me with one of them in the eighth ward the other day one balance wiped out in a moment by my interesting son cried mrs a six year old boy exactly the six year old boy i wish you d keep the children in the house until this infernal business is over the eighth ward would have elected me but ruined that said but how cried mrs have our children been out making campaign speeches for the other side the balance of power they have assented they have indeed you remember that man the mrs calling to mind a combination of red hair and bad manners who had made himself very conspicuous of late precisely that s just the point retorted the that s what he is and it s what you call him but you said he was a at breakfast last wednesday said mrs we simply take your word for it i know i did he s also a balance of power my dear the eighth ward that s the only reason i ve let him in the house said you ve been very with him i must say mrs well i ve had to be said the candidate that man is a power and he knows it what s his business asked mrs interference between capital and labor replied so i ve cultivated him the balance of power he never struck me as being a very cultivated person smiled mrs he has a suggestion of about him that is very oppressive i know he has a very presence said the candidate joining in the smile but we are rid of his presence now and forever thanks to i got the news last night he and his followers have declared for in spite of all his promises to me and we can attribute our personal good fortune and our political loss to met him on the street the other day i know he did said mrs he told me so and he said that the horrid man wanted to kiss him it s true said he did and wouldn t let him well a man isn t going back on you because he can t kiss your whole family is he asked mrs if that s the situation i shall go to new york to morrow laughed heartily no my dear he said you are safe enough from that but when refused said well young i guess you don t know who i am yes i do the balance of power said you are mr and was but destroyed his good work by adding the and the s joy vanished who told you that said he pop and he knows said that night continued with a droll expression of mingled mirth and annoyance the mortar of the eighth ward decided that consideration for the country s welfare should rise above politics and that when it came to real could give me points a ward wiped out in a night and another highly interesting very thirsty balance of power gone over to the other side i should think you d give up then said mrs she wanted her husband to win not because she had any ambition to shine as lady mayor but because she did not wish to disappointment or undergo the of a public rebuke you seem to be losing of power right and left why should i give it up you don t suppose i am hav the balance of power ing any better luck than mr do you is he losing them too asked mrs i judge so from what he tells me said we took dinner together at the in new york the other night and he s a prince of good fellows he has just as much trouble as i have and when i met him on the train the other day he was as blue as i about the future you and the captain dining together ejaculated mrs certainly said why not our hatred is merely political and we can meet on a level of good fellowship anywhere outside of corners mrs laughed outright isn t it funny she said why is one of my best friends generally continued i don t see anything funny about it just because we both happen to be dragged into politics on opposite sides at the same moment is no reason why we should begin cutting each other s throats my dear | 27 |
most attention the at the door of the side show to the makes more noise than the eight headed boy that makes the mare go you re a trifle mixed in your said mrs well who wouldn t be after a three weeks appeal to an arid waste of a waste of arid mrs the is accepted laughed and at that moment a call from summoned him abroad good night he said kissing his wife affectionately this is the last night good night i hope it is and next time when they ask you to you shall be the balance of power and decide the question for me said the the balance of power candidate as with sorrow in his heart he left his home to seek out what he called the branch office of political where were gathered some fifty persons most of whom began life in other countries under different skies and to whom the national america meant less and aroused fewer sentiments worth having than that attractive two step st s day in the morning and who were yet sufficiently powerful with the various of the town to hold its political in their palms two months after this discussion the late honorable and mayor of corners only by courtesy of those who honor defeated with titles for which they have was strolling through the country along the line of the trying to with the aid of the fresh sweet air of an early summer afternoon an idea for a from the ot his brain stopping for a moment to look down upon the glorious the balance of power stretching its length like a serpent to the north and south he suddenly became conscious of a pair of very sharp eyes resting upon him which a closer inspection showed belonged to a of seemingly stature who was engaged in carrying earth in a from one dirt pile to another as caught his eye the assumed towering proportions he rose up quite two feet higher in the air and bowed how do you do said returning the salutation courteously wondering the while as to what might be the cause of this sudden change of height oi m well which is new to me replied the other ut to me he continued smart young the mayor of corners not laughed the sting of defeat had lost its power to annoy and his experience had become merely one of a thousand other of the past do i he replied not to confess his identity for the moment at least only thinner chuckled the i the balance of power shrinking up again and now saw that the legs of his new acquaintance were of an unequal length which forced him every time he shifted his weight from one foot to the other to change his apparent height to a startling degree an a thinner he repeated there s to take off th flesh when ye miss ut i fancy you are right said i never met mr that is face to face myself do you know him the threw his head back and laughed well he said oi m not wan his f ri but oi know um when oi see um and he looked straight in the eye as he grew tall again vm sure it is s loss returned that you are not a personal friend of his it was said the my name is he added with an air which seemed to assume that would begin to tremble at the dreaded word but did not tremble he merely replied a very good name mr the balance of power oi t ink so assented mr ut s better nor me young nd assented to this proposition as though it was merely general and had no particular application to the affairs of the moment i suppose mr he observed shortly that you were one of the earnest workers in the late campaign for mr was he asked scornfully i believe not began s me answer to your said with dignity he d a had lamps his house now if he hadn t been gay his front oh he was gay with his front door was he asked he was an not too careful his windy shades replied looked at him me song an dance about not bein home me outside on the lawn him de windy a excuse me like a what said a repeated mr wan i the balance of power o as at is he home v oi are a nd v says the oi m not oi he ain t home says the he be back says oi says she the in me face and a election for um in his pocket a of election cried and he wouldn t see you he would not you were to an extent the balance of power then that s what oi was said enjoying what he thought was s dismay for he knew well enough to whom he was talking oi was the balance power oi ve got sons and wan o is or what s as good on public an works there ain t wan as don t f an there ain t wan em as don t what the ould mon says to um not wan an they the down their father that s as it should be said an ut s as ut was me young nd the balance of power oi home to me at th club had me wan gone oi the club wan hundred he wan hundred and wan gone oi th he wan hundred an six gone an they their f apiece o wan hundred an six wan hundred an makes two hundred an thirty wan at the the front an two hundred an thirty wan wan an the other th result is a difference two hundred an thirty wan or hundred an sixty two d | 27 |
ye mind i see said and as this ah this particular candidate was beaten by a bare majority of two or three hundred it was me as done it put in the balance of power shaking his finger at me well i hope mr hears of it mr put in i am told that he is wondering yet what hit him and having put the upon you and the balance of power through that act lost the election he ought to know that you were his his what the real balance his is the name of a greek goddess exclaimed oi m no greek nor no goddess retorted but i give him the that s what i meant explained the word has become part of the english language s the goddess of the throw down and the word is used to signify that oh oi see said scratching his head took his revelation a trifle too calmly you say you don t know this he asked well i never met him said the smiling but i know him laughed again oi ll bet ye do an oi ye ve seen his fa ace long about in the in the eh well yes smiled i confess vm the man mr but now we are personal friends eh i was out that night and you didn t send in your card you know and i didn t know the balance of power it was you the balance of power cast down his eyes and rubbing his hand on his as if to clean it stretched it out grasped it and gave a slight he wasn t quite happy the proffered friendship of the man he had helped to defeat rather upset him but he was equal to the occasion he said when he had quite recovered you re young they ve out this but wait be back no mr replied handing a cigar thanks to you i got out of a tight hole and as our maid said to you that night i ll be back but if you happen down my way again i ll be glad to see you at any time good bye the two parted and walked home thinking deeply of the far reaching effect in this life of little things and as for he bit off half the cigar had given him and as he upon it sitting on the edge of his he remarked forcibly to himself well oi ll be s experiment was an genius he invented things for the pleasure of it rather than with any idea of ultimately from the results of his ingenuity which may explain why it was that his friends deemed many of his a sheer waste of time among other things that invented was a which could be folded up and packed away in a trunk the fact that any ordinary could be packed away in any ordinary trunk without being folded up was to no good reason why he should not devote his energies to the production of the compact weapon of sport which he called the he was after novelty and utility was always a secondary consideration with him others of his inventions were somewhat more startling the ready writing f s experiment desk for night use for instance was a really remarkable conception its chief value lay in the saving of gas and midnight oil to writers which its use was said to bring about and when fully equipped consisted simply of a writing table with all the and thereof treated with in such a manner that in the of darkness they could all be seen readily the ink even was the paper was luminous in the dark the pens pen bottle everything in fact that an author really needs for the production of literature save ideas were so prepared that they could not fail to be visible to the eye in the darkest night without the aid of other illumination the chief trouble with the invention was that in the long run it was more expensive than gas or oil could possibly be in the most extravagant household but that not a nor was he at all upset when his ingenious library folding bed a real and sofa couch failed to suit his practical minded friends because when turned down for use as a s experiment couch all the books in the side of it fell out upon the floor his arrangement was better than the ordinary folding bed he said because the side of it was not a sham but the real thing while that of the of commerce was a delusion and a as a of he justified his invention though of course it couldn t be put to much practical use unless the was willing to take his books out of the shelves when he intended using the piece of furniture for sleeping purposes if the was too lazy to do this it was not s fault so the reasoned nor did he intend improving his machine in order to accommodate the lazy man in his pursuit of a life of when married he turned his attention to the of apparatus to make domestic life less trying to mrs as a bachelor he had contrived quite a number of mechanical effects which made his lonely life easier he had fitted up his rooms with devices by means of which while lying in bed on cold mornings he could light his without getting up and his cigars s experiment the ends of which he had dipped in so that they could be lit by scratching them on the under side of the mantel piece just as matches are were the delight of his life now however he turned his mind towards helping little mrs on in the domestic world he prepared a by means of which the monotony of was done away with entirely | 27 |
to control himself for instance instead of dressing in the usual dignified and quiet way he found himself about his room like a young and while he was taking his bath he had a yearning for objects of which had for many years been strangers to his tub he was not at all satisfied with his dip plain and and he had developed an aversion for soap it was all he could do to restrain his i s experiment tion to call for a number of small tin boats and bark without which jack never bathed he did conquer it however and at the end of a half hour managed to reach the end of his bath though as a rule he had hitherto rarely expended more than ten minutes in his morning then came another difficulty he found himself utterly unable to stand still while he was putting on his clothes and finally mrs had to be called in to comb his hair for him himself could no more have taken the time to part it satisfactorily than he could have flown what is the matter with you said mrs as she made several ineffectual attempts to get his locks into shape have you caught st s dance nothing s the matter with me returned standing on one foot and up and down i feel well that s all and then he tore out of the room mounted the and slid downstairs in an utterly fashion considering that he was a man of and the head of the house he felt s experiment a little ashamed of himself in the midst of this operation particularly when he observed that the was standing in the hall below stairs looking at him with eyes that an astonishment as creditable to her as it was disgraceful to him he tried vainly to stop his wild l descent when he noted her presence he clutched madly at the turning his hands and knees into in his effort to save his dignity but once started he could not stop and as a consequence he went down like a flash slid over the post and landed with a cry of mortification on the hall floor he was not hurt save in his self esteem and gathering himself together he endeavored to walk with dignity into the dining room but he had hardly reached the door when he was overcome with a mad desire to and he did as a consequence of the jack was when mrs came down she had no idea that himself could be so blind to propriety as to yell in so a fashion and when poor little jack was despite his good intention to confess himself the s experiment guilty party discovered that the only act he was capable of was jack of course wept and the more he wept the more and was taken to task for encouraging the boy in his during breakfast he was unusually he could not bring himself to await his turn when the potatoes were passed and in his eagerness to get at them he his coffee which served to turn the tables a little for jack at the while became the centre of mrs s displeasure what was worse try as he might could not resist the temptation to kick the legs of the table and it was not until mrs had threatened to dismiss jack from her presence supposing that he must of course be the that assumed the burden of his it was not until set out to his office however that he realized the real horror of his condition instead of riding down town on one cable car as was his wont he found himself trying boy like to steal a ride by jumping on a car platform and standing there until the con s experiment came along when he would hop off ride a block or two on the end of a and then try a new car so beating his way down town then he arrived at his office i have neglected to state that while invention was s he was by profession a lawyer being the junior member of a highly successful firm at the head of which was no less a person than the eminent william j baker whose record at the bar is too well known to require any further words of mine to recall him to the minds of my readers had not been in the office more than ten minutes before he realized that he might better have remained at home while the influence of jack s wasted energy was within him he was in a state of no matter how strongly he endeavored to hold himself in check he could not do so and his day down town was like the days of most boys who are permitted to spend a morning and an afternoon with their parent in the the first thing he did on reaching his desk was to roll back its folding top this pleased him he had never before imagined that so much fun could be got s experiment out of the rolling top of a desk and for a full quarter of an hour he pulled it backward and forward and so withal that mr baker sent one of the clerks in to see if the ofl ce boy had not become suddenly insane recalled to his true self for the moment endeavored to get down to work but as he made the endeavor he became conscious that a revolving chair has very pleasing qualities to one who is fond of round and round he and as he he up his cane and in a moment realized that he was playing that he was on a round and trying to secure a renewal of his right to ride by catching imaginary rings on the end of his stick this operation consumed quite five minutes more of his | 27 |
time and was accompanied by such a vast number of that mr baker came himself to see what was the cause of the fortunately for just as his partner reached the doorway the chair had reached the limit of its capacity and having been as far as it could be over on to the with underneath i s experiment what in the world does this mean v said mr baker severely as he assisted his fallen partner to rise my chair has come apart laughed getting red in the face that s the great trouble with that kind of chair said mr baker you don t seem to mind the very much oh no said his teeth in his determination not to follow his mad impulse to jump on mr baker s shoulders and for a back ride no i don t mind little things like that much here he stood on his right leg as he had done before breakfast and began to hop hurt your foot mr baker seized at the suggestion with all the despairing vigor of a drowning man clutching at a rope yes a little but not enough to mention he said whereupon much to his relief mr baker turned away and went back to his own room this will never do moaned to himself when his partner had gone if one of my should come in s experiment then he stopped and grinned like a mischievous lad he had caught sight of an old water that had been used as an exhibit in a case he had once tried against the city in behalf of an who had been led to believe that the water board would adopt his patent and compel every to buy one for the of water consumed what fun it would be to take that apart he thought and thinking thus was enough to set him about the task he locked his door moved the contrivance out into the middle of the room and tried to the top of it with his the delicate blade of this screw driver snapped off in an instant whereupon tried the with similar results after a half hour of this he gave up the idea of taking the apart but his soul immediately became possessed of another idea which was to see if it worked the pursuit of this brought him the most joyful sensations and for an hour he devoted himself to filling the machine up with water drawn from a at one side of his room and poured into the from a s experiment glass it was not until the hour was up that he observed that the water after passing through the came out upon the carpet and it is probable that even then he would not have noticed it had not the tenants below sent up to inquire if there was not something wrong with the water pipes when realized what had happened he wisely determined to give up business for the day while the spirit of jack was within him the business he might was not likely to prove of value to himself or to any one else so he put on his hat and coat called a cab and started for home his experiences in the cab were quite of a kind with the experiences of the morning and attended with no little personal danger he would lean against the cab door and put his arm out and try to touch as they passed once or twice he nearly had his head knocked off by sticking it out of the windows but by some happy chance he got interested in the cab curtains and the inviting little strings which when pulled made them fly up with a snap absorbed in this occupation he drove on and gave up all s experiment such dangerous experiments as playing with horse cars and and arrived at home in time for luncheon mrs was somewhat alarmed at the unexpected return of mr but was content with his explanation that while he never felt better in his life he deemed it best to return and attend to his work in the privacy of his own home for the proper accomplishment of this work he said that he thought he would use jack s nursery on the floor where he could be quiet and he asked as an especial favor that he might be left alone with jack for the balance of the day he had made up his mind that his experiments while a success in one way were not what he expected in another way he had found jack s energy very energetic indeed but not suited for use and he even found himself wondering why he had not thought of that before however the thing to do now was to get rid of that spirit as soon as possible if it had become permanently a part of him he had reached his second childhood which for a man of s experiment thirty five is a disturbing thought so disturbing was it that resolved upon a heroic measure to cure himself struck him as being the only possible cure and so regardless of the possible consequences to his physical being he permitted jack to be with him up stairs while he worked as he put it to mrs though all others were forbidden to approach the result was as he had foreseen jack s energy in jack pure and had very little trouble in wearing out the energy which his father had acquired from his superfluous stores and night coming on found after a three hours steady with his son in his normal condition mentally but physically what a poor wreck of a human system was his when the last bit of the boyish spirit was consumed had he worked at brick laying for a week without rest could not have been more physically but he was happy his had proved | 27 |
that he could do certain things but the results he had expected as to the value of those things were not what he had hoped for at experiment any rate his experiment gave him greater sympathy with his boy than he had ever had before and they have become great the greatest disappointment of the whole affair is jack s who wonders why it is that he and his father have no more afternoon such as they had in the play room that day but until he is a good many years older his father cannot tell him for the boy could not in the present stage of his intellectual development understand him if he tried as for mr baker and the people at the office they were not at all astonished to hear the next day that was laid up and would probably not appear at the office again for a week although they were a little surprised when they learned that his trouble was and not softening of the brain s was in a blue mood the night before things hadn t gone quite to suit him during the year he had lost two of his most profitable men upon whom for two years previously he had been able to count for a steady income it is true that he had lost them by winning their respective suits and had made two strong friends by so doing but as he once put it to mrs the worst position a man could possibly get himself into was that of one who is long on friends and short on income he did not the value of friends but he didn t want too many of them because beyond a certain number they became luxuries rather than necessities and his financial condition was such that he could not afford luxuries i love them all he said but i n s haven t money enough to entertain a quarter of them the last time was up here he smoked sixteen invincible cigars now i am very fond of but with cigars at twenty cents apiece i can t afford him more than one sunday in a year he s getting a little cold because i haven t asked him up since why don t you buy cheaper cigars at our store they have some very nice looking ones at two for five cents suggested mrs i don t wish to have to move out of the house said mrs failed to see the connection very likely you don t said but if i smoked one of your two and cent cigars in this house you d see the point in a minute if you will get me a yard of cotton cloth and let me put it in the furnace fire you ll get a fair idea of the kind of atmosphere we d be breathing if i allowed a cigar like that to be lit within fifty feet of the front door but you can get a good cigar for ten cents can t you mrs asked s yes very good assented but would probably smoke of those and carry three or four away with him in his pockets lose even more that way it s a singular thing about friends they have some conscience about invincible cigars but they ll take others by the handful was also somewhat blue upon this occasion because none of his inventions the little things he thought out in his leisure moments and out of some of which he had hoped to gain a deal of profit had been successful the public had refused to place any confidence whatsoever in his patent which when turned inside out could be made useful as and the of new york actually rejected with scorn the which he had hoped would become a popular re because of its and an young man with care could make one of the order last through a whole season and it could be colored to suit the s taste with the ordinary paint boxes that children so delight in but in spite of this the was a distinct failure and had had his trouble for his pains to say nothing of the cost of the model but worst of all the failures because of the losses its failure was the safety lightning its failure was not due to any lack of merit for it certainly possessed much that was ingenious and the affair was not different in principle from a lawn six little sharp blades set on a would rapidly as the pretty machine was pushed up and down the cheek of the person and leave the face of that person as smooth as a piece of velvet but in announcing it to the world its had made the unfortunate statement that a child could use it with and some would be smart person on a comic paper took it up and wrote an clever article on the of a for children the consequence was that the safety was laughed out of existence and the additions to his residence which was going to pay for out of the proceeds had to be abandoned i don t like a blue he said s and generally i can find something to be thankful for at this season but fm if this year beyond the fact that we re all alive i can see any cause for my i haven t enough of it to last ten minutes much less a day what with the positive failure of my inventions the loss of income from what i once considered safe that have gone to the wall and the of my professional not to mention the fact that almost at the beginning of my professional year i am as tired physically and mentally as i ought to be at the finish oh well say you are thankful anyhow suggested mrs you will convince | 27 |
others that you are and maybe if you say it often enough you will convince yourself of the fact thanks said it s possibly a good suggestion but i don t believe in pretending to be what i m not it might convince me that i am thankful for something but i don t want to b js jt when i know i m not f t v which shows i think h w blue was there s one thing added with a i s sigh of relief at the thought i ll have a day of rest to morrow anyhow bought jack a and he can take it out on the court and play with it all day with intervals for meals why did you do that asked mrs with a gesture not so much of indignation as of i think is such a brutal game and if jack has a at his present age when he s in college he ll want to play i don t want to have my boy wearing his hair like a indian and coming home with broken ribs and limbs we ll let the broken ribs of and the wig of the same period suffice for the evils of that year retorted it s the present i m looking after not the future ten or twelve years removed if jack hasn t that to morrow he ll have me and i ve no desire in the present condition of my physical to be used by him as a deprived of the ball he might use me as a instead and i must rest that s all there is about it besides if he becomes an for honors now it will be a good thing for s him he ll take care of himself and try to improve his if he once gets the notion in his head that he wants to go on a university eleven i want my boy to learn to be a man and the ambition is likely to be a very useful aid in that direction he reins very well with a and a pin now and i think it s time he in that art unless the woman of the future of whom we hear so much is to take man s place to such an extent that the man will have to take up woman s work if i thought the masculine tendency of our present day girls was likely to go much further i might consent to the of jack simply to secure his comfort as a married man of the future but i don t think that and in consequence jack is going to be brought up as a boy and not as a girl the goes this remark was another indication of s depression he rarely mrs s ideas and when he did and with a certain air of irritation it was invariably a sign of his low mental state when you say that the goes do you mean that it stays s mrs who was a little tired herself and could not therefore resist the temptation to indulge in a bit of innocent i do said shortly goes is sometimes a for stays when i feel stronger i may invent a new e which will have fewer than english as she is spoke and with this went to bed and slept the sleep of the just man who is truly weary if he had foreseen the result of his it is doubtful if his sleep would have been so tranquil unless perchance he were fashioned after that rare pattern of mankind louis xvi of france who called for his six or seven course dinner with a mob of howling in his and who on the eve of his execution slept well despite his knowledge that within fifteen hours his head would in all probability be oflf by the to gratify the lust for blood which was the chief characteristic of the of the first french republic at six on the morning of day was sleeping peacefully s but the youthful jack was not day was not a holiday in his eyes but a day set apart for work thanks to his father s indulgence in providing him with a he had gone to bed the night before with the ball tightly to his breast and along about ten o clock when himself had gone into the nursery to put that good night kiss upon the forehead of his sleeping boy tired as he was and blue as he was he had difficulty in the laughter that manifested itself within him for jack lay prone face upward with the under the small of his back and seemingly as comfortable as though he were resting upon down that is certainly a characteristic attitude said when mrs had come to see what had caused her husband s chuckle yes and so good for the returned mrs the attitude was changed but the ball was left where jack would see it the first thing on in the morning at six as i have said was sleeping peacefully but jack was not he i s had opened his eyes some minutes before and on catching sight of his he began to grin the grin grew wider and wider until apparently it got too wide for the bed and the boy leaped out of his couch upon the floor the first thing he did was to pat the ball gently but firmly very much as a its interest in a ball of then his attentions to his new grew more pronounced and vigorous and within fifteen minutes it had been chased out of the nursery into the parental still slept mrs was merely half asleep she tried to tell jack to be quiet but she was not quite wide awake enough to do so as forcibly as was necessary and the result was that instead | 27 |
smoothly from that time on had not a cold rain set in about breakfast time it was clearly to be an in door day and what a day it was at ten o clock the came into play again at eleven the score stood one clock knocked off the in the library three broken to bits one plaster bear destroyed by a low kick from the parlor floor with his nose very nearly out of joint thanks to a flying represented by jack mrs s in peril and s well developed at twelve the ball was but restored at twelve five for the sake of peace and quiet at one dinner was served and eaten in moody silence jack having s ly the ball through the the of the and landing in the it was not a happy dinner and began to wish either that he had never been born or that all were in wherever that might be if it would only clear off he moaned that boy needs a as big as the state of anyhow and here we are up in the house with a added we ll have fo take it away from him said mrs or else you ll have to take jack up into the and play with him i can t have everything in the house smashed we ll compromise on jack s going to the i have no desire to play returned and this was the plan agreed upon it would have been a good plan if had expended some of his genius upon some such game as and instructed jack therein beforehand but this he had not done and the result was that at three o clock found himself in the involved in a furious game in which he represented q the goal the goal posts the and acting with too great as for the ball what he was not jack was and the worst part of it was that there was no jack the longer he played the better he liked it the oftener s received intended for the the louder he laughed when serving as a goal post stood at one end of the junior standing several yards away often appeared to mistake him for two goal posts and to make an honest effort to kick the ball through him slowly the hours passed until finally six o clock struck and master jack s supper was announced the day was over at last wearily dragged himself down the stairs and reckoned up the day s losses in glass and d destroyed he was some twenty or thirty dollars out in dressing lost at dinner through the act of the he was out one sensation to his and was one of those to whom that is a loss of an nature in bodily estate he was practically a had he id s all morning and played all the afternoon he could not have been half so weary had he been thrown from a horse flat upon an pavement he could not have been half so bruised all of which mrs noted and with an effort recovered her for her husband s sake so that after eight o clock at which hour jack retired to bed a little rest was and s was slowly restored well said mrs as they went up stairs at eleven it hasn t been a very peaceful day has it dear oh that all depends on how you spell peace if you spell it p i e c e it s been full of pieces returned with a smile but i say my dear i want to my statement last night that i had nothing to be thankful for i have discovered one great blessing what s that a mrs not by ten thousand long shots cried no indeed it s this i m more thankful than i can express that jack is not if he had been you d have been a widow this evening harry and and i also james we both loved deeply and loved u we know that because told us so she told harry so one sunday evening on the way home from church and she told me so the following saturday afternoon on the way to the this was the cause of the dispute harry and i had in the club comer that saturday night harry and i are and neither of us has secrets that tht other does not share and so of course s feeling towards each of us was fully revealed we did not quarrel over for harry and i never quarrel i want to quarrel but it is a peculiar thing about me that i always want to quarrel with men named harry but never can quite do it ry is li name which r se harry and and i also james my ire but which carries with it also the soothing qualities which irritation this is a point for the philosopher i think why is it that we cannot quarrel with some men bearing certain names while with far better men bearing other names we are always at swords points who ever quarrelled with a man who had so himself to the world for instance that the world spoke of him as jack or bob or and who has not quarrelled with and and ad y and been glad to have had the chance but this is a thing apart this time we have set out to tell that other story which is always mentioned but never told loved us that was the point upon which harry and i agreed we had her authority for it but where we differed was which of the two did she love the better harry of course took his own side in the matter he is a man of prejudice and from sentiment rather than from conviction he s d that on her way home from marry and | 27 |
and i church a girl s thoughts are of necessity solemn and her are therefore the solemn truth he added that in a matter of such importance as love the conclusion reached after an hour or two of spiritual reflection and instruction such as church in the evening is the true conclusion on the other hand i maintained that human nature has something to do with women very little of course but still enough to make my point a good one it is human nature for a girl to prefer es to sunday evening services this is sad no doubt but so are some other great truths as a true type of would naturally think more of the man who was taking her to a e than of the fellow who was her home from church therefore she loved me better than she did harry and he ought to have the sense to see it and withdraw unfortunately harry is near sighted in respect to arguments by the mind of another though in the perception of in his own reasoning he has the eye of the eagle love on the way to a e he said is one also james part affection and nine parts enthusiasm and love on the return from church is in all ten parts temporary i returned it is what you might call seventh day affection quiet and no doubt sincere but it is dissipated by the rising of the monday sun it is like our good resolutions on new year s day which barely last over a fortnight some little word spoken by the may have aroused in her breast a spark of love for you but one spark does not make a properly it may develop into one but in itself it is nothing more than a spark who can say that it was not pity that led to speak so to you your may have been without your knowing it and at a time when she could not tell you of it o hat sort of thing pity and you know as well as i do that pity and love are cousins but cousins who never you are favored but not to the extent that i am you argue well returned harry but you the moon in the solemn presence of the great of night no woman would swear harry and and i you your with your point i answered there were no arguments brought to bear on when she confessed to me that she loved me it was done in the cold light of day there was no moon around to egg her on when she confessed her affection for me i know the moon pretty well myself and i know just what effect it has on truth i have told in the moonlight that i knew were and yet while was looking on no creature in the universe could have convinced me of their the moon s rays have kissed the stone harry f moonlight truth is a lie doesn t the genial warmth of the sun ever lead one from the path of truth harry of manner yes i answered but not in a horse car with people treading on your feet what has that to do with it harry asked it was on a car that confessed i answered harry looked blue his eyes said also s how she must love you but his lips said ho nonsense v it is the truth said i seeing that harry was as we were waiting for the car to come along i said to her i am not the man i ought to be but i have one quality i love you to distraction she was about to reply when the car came we were requested to step lively we did so and the car started then as we stood in the crowded aisle of the car we spoke in did you hear what i said i asked yes said she gazing softly out of the window and a slight touch of red coming into her cheeks yes i heard and what is your reply i whispered so do i she answered with a sigh harry laughed and so that had his name been thomas i should have struck him what is the joke i asked you won t think it s funny harry answered then it must be a poor joke i retorted a little harry and and i well it s on you he said you have simply shown me that never told you she loved you that s the joke i was speechless with wrath but my eyes spoke how have i shown that they asked in my behalf you say that you told that you loved her to distraction to which declaration she replied so do i where there is in that any that she loves you i fail to see she simply stated that she too loved herself to distraction and i breathe again hair said i no side returned harry with a roar of laughter now my declaration was very different from yours it was made when and i were walking home from church it was about nine o clock and the streets were bathed in mellow moonlight i declared myself because i could not help myself i had no intention of doing so when i started out earlier in the evening but the effect of the service of song at church combined with the most romantic kind of a moon forced me into it i told her i was a that i was also james not yet able to support a wife and that while i did not wish to ask any pledge from her i could not resist telling her that i loved her with all my heart and soul began to feel blue and what did she say i asked a little hoarsely she said she returned my affection i up | 27 |
ha ha ha i laughed this time the joke is on you i fail to see it he said of course i retorted it is not one of your jokes but say harry when you send a poem to a magazine and the editor doesn t want it what does he do with it returns it ah the ah was a gasp you are the hair this time said he i am said i i could effectually destroy a whole wig of hairs like that if you are right in your reasoning as to s love for me i am right as regards her love for you we are both hairs in most fashion we are said harry with a sigh harry and ant there is only one way to settle the matter and that let s call around there now and ask her i am agreeable said i often said harry ringing for our coats in a few moments we were ready to depart and as we stepped out into the night whom should we run up against but that detestable brown whither away boys he asked in his usual manner we are going to make a call ah well wait a minute won t you i have some news fm in great luck and i want you fellows to join me in a health to the future mrs b engaged at last eh brown said harry i did not speak for i felt a sudden and most sinking of the heart yes said brown and then he told us to whom it is not necessary to mention the lady s name suffice it to say that harry and i both returned to our comer in also james the club discarded our and talked about two subjects the first was the weather the second the of women incidentally we agreed that there was something about certain names and on this occasion james excited our ire somewhat more than was normal but we did not james we had too much regard for some one else to split a hair of his head an romance i mr s ideal mr was thirty years of age and unmarried he could afford to marry and he had admired many women but none of them came up to his miss for instance represented his notions as to what a woman should be physically but he found her below his required standard she was tall and stately some people called her but in her conversation she was decidedly she was interested in all the small things of life but for the g eat ones she had no inclination she preferred a dance with a youth to a chat with a man of learning she worshipped artificial in door an romance life but had no sympathy with nature the country she and her ideas of rest consisted solely in a change of locality which was why she went to every summer there to indulge in further and dances when she wearied of the and dances of new york miss on the other hand represented to the fullest degree the intellectual standard mr had set up for the of his affections she was fond of poetry and of music she was a student of letters and a clever on almost all the arts and in which mr delighted but alas physically she was not what he could admire she was small and insignificant in appearance she was pallid faced and it must be confessed extremely scant of locks and the idea of marrying her was to mr little short of preposterous others there were too who attracted him in some measure but who likewise him in equal if not greater measure what he wanted mrs to be was a of the best an romance in the beautiful miss the intellectual miss the comfortably rich but extremely loud miss with a dash of the virtues of all the others thrown in for years he looked for such a one but season after season passed away and the ideal failed to as unfortunately most have a way of doing and hither and yon mr went unmarried and as society said a hopelessly confirmed old bachelor more s the pity ii miss s standard miss was bom and bred in boston and like mr had reached the age of thirty without having yielded to the of matrimony this was not because she had not had the opportunity for opportunity she had had in greatest measure she made her first appearance in society at the age of seventeen and for every year since that interesting oc an romance she had four proposals of marriage and how many proposals that involved every person who can thirteen by four can easily discover society said she was stuck up but she knew she wasn t she did not reject men for the mere love of it it was not vanity that led her to say no to so many it was simply the fact that not one in all the great number of would be represented her notions as to the style of man with whom she could be so happy that she would undertake the task of making him so miles for instance was the kind of man that any ordinary girl would have snapped up the moment he declared himself he had three boxes in town and there was evidence in sight that he did not rent them for the purpose of keeping cigars in them he had several horses and carriages he was a regular attendant upon all the social functions of the season and at many of them he appeared to enjoy himself at the and purely literary however miles always looked p an romance as he was extremely bored once miss had seen him at a reading he was in short of the earth or perhaps to be more accurate of the horse intellectual | 27 |
pleasures were naught to him but fountains of and being a very honest frank sort of a person he took no pains to conceal the fact and it ruined his chances with miss at whose feet he had more than once laid the contents of the deposit boxes of course as well as the use of his stables and himself the fact that he looked like a greek god did not influence her in the least she knew he was by nature a far cry from anything greek or and she would have none of him had he had the mental qualities of henry the famous scholar of cambridge it might have been different but he hadn t these any more than henry had s greek of person as for he too had laid bare a heart full of affection before the cold gaze of miss and with no more pleasing results to himself than an romance had attended the suit of his handsome rival as he had considered i think i can make you happy he had said modestly we have many traits in common we are both extremely fond of reading of the better sort you would prove of service to me in the advancement of my ambition in letters as well as in the world and i think you would find me by nature to every wish you could have i am a lover of music and so are you we both delight in the study of art and there is in us both that inherent love of nature which would make of this earth a very paradise for me were you to become my life s companion then miss had looked upon his stern and extremely homely face and had unconsciously even to herself glanced rapidly at his uncouth figure and could not bring herself to answer yes here was the intellectual man but his physical forbade the utterance of the word which should make henry the happiest of men had he written his proposal he fe have stood chance though an romance i doubt that in any event he could have succeeded then he could have stood at least as an abstract but the intrusion of his physical self destroyed all she refused him and he went back to his books oppressed by an overwhelming sense of loneliness from which he did not recover for one or two hours so it went with all the others no man of all those who sought miss s favor had the grace of miles combined with the strong of henry with the added virtues of wealth and of purpose and all that it seemed sometimes to miss as it had often seemed to mr that the standard set was too high and that an all wise providence was no longer sending the perfect being of the ideal into the world if indeed he had ever done so both the man and the woman were yearning they came finally to believe after the but each was strong enough of character to do with nothing less excellent an romance iii a glance at miss herself but what sort of a woman was miss it may be asked that she should demand so much in the man with whom she should share the burdens of life surely one should be perfect one s self to require so much of another and i really think miss was so in the first place she was tall and stately some people called her she had an eye fit for all things it was soft or hard as one wished it it was melting or fixed according to the mood one would have her betray she was never and while the small things of life interested her to an extent much more absorbed was she in the great things which to existence dance she could and well but she danced not to the of all other things with dancing people she was a full of the poetry of motion and enjoying it openly and innocently with an romance a man of learning however she equally at home as with the youth with nature in her every n was she in sympathy she was for poetry and of music indeed to her character in as few words as p ble she was everything that so a of the ideal as mr could have wished for nor there one weak spot in the oi character at which he could in short miss boston was the ideal of whom mr of new york iv a brief glimpse of mr i and as miss re in every way the ideal of so did he hers he had the physical beauty of i and was quite the equal oi latter in the matter of wealth so n horses he had not but he owned a i number of them he was not h an romance mad nor did he over or despise pleasures in truth in the pursuit of delights he was as eager as henry he was in all things the sort of man to whom our heroine of boston would have been willing to her hand and her heart v conclusion but they never met and they lived happily ever after mrs s device a tale of match making i the resolve for when two join in the same adventure one before the other how they ought to act mrs had made up her mind that it must be and that was the beginning of the end the charming had not indulged her passion for making others happy for some time not in fact since she had arranged the match between and jack which as the world knows resulted first in a marriage and then as the good lady had not foreseen in a south divorce this unfortunate termination to her well mrs s device meant efforts in behalf of the unhappy | 27 |
pair was a severe blow to mrs she had been for many years the of match makers and seldom had she failed to bring about desirable results in the homes of a large number of happy pairs her name was blessed for all that she had done and until this no unhappy marriage had ever come from her efforts one or two engagements of her had failed to owing to over which she had no control and with which she was in no way concerned but that was merely one of the risks of the business in which she was engaged the most expert sometimes finds that he has made a failure of some cherished bit of work but he does not cease to pursue his because of that so it was with mrs and when some of her plans went and two young persons whom she had designed for each other chose to take two other young people into their hearts instead she accepted the situation with a merely negative feeling of regret but when she realized that it was she who had brought and jack together and mrs s device had beyond all question made the match which resulted so unhappily then was mrs s regret and sorrow of so positive a nature that she practically her chief occupation in life ril never never never so long as i live have anything more to do with bringing about marriages she cried to her husband when that worthy gentleman showed her a despatch in the evening paper to the effect that mr and mrs jack had the western courts to free them from a contract which had grown irksome to both i shall not even help the most despairing lover over a misunderstanding which may result in two broken hearts i m through the very idea of and not being able to get along together is preposterous why they were made for each other i haven t a doubt of it returned with whom it was a settled principle of life always to agree with his better half but sometimes there s a flaw in the my dear and while may have been made for jack and jack for it is just possible that mrs s device the materials were not up to the well it s a burning shame anyhow said mrs and fu never make another match that s good said i wouldn t or if i did i d see to it that it was a safety instead of a that burns fiercely for a minute and then goes out altogether stick to i don t know what you mean by but i m through just the same retorted mrs and she really was for five years are nice quiet matches that don t and they give satisfaction to everybody they burn and are altogether the swell thing in matches and their heads don t fly off either explained well i won t make even a you old goose said mrs smiling faintly you ve made one and it s a beauty observed quietly referring of course to their own case so as i have said mrs her match making for a period of five years and people noting the mrs s device fact greatly at her strength of character in keeping her hands out of matters in which they had once done such notable service and it did indeed require much force of character in mrs to hold herself aloof from the matrimonial of others for although she was now a woman close upon forty she had still the feelings of youth she was fond of the society of young people and had been for a long time the best beloved in the community it was hard for her to watch a growing romance and not help it along as she had done of and many a time did her lips withhold the words that trembled upon them words which would have the fortunes of a worthy to a waiting hand but she had resolved and there was the end of it it is history however that the strongest characters will at times and fall and so it was with mrs and her resolution finally there came a time when the pressure was too strong to be resisted i can t help it henry she said as she thought it all over and saw where mrs s device in her duty lay we must bring and walter together he is just the sort of a man for her and if there is one thing he needs more than another to round out his character it is a wife like remember your oath my dear replied but this will be a henry smiled mrs walter and you are very much alike and you said the other night that reminded you of me sometimes that s true said she does that s what i like about her but after all she isn t you a mill pond might remind you at times of a great and beautiful lake but it wouldn t be the lake you know i grant that walter and i are alike as two peas but i deny that can hold a candle to you oh you snapped mrs haven t you got your eyes opened to my faults yet said they re great and i couldn t get along without em but i wouldn t stand them for five minutes if i d married instead of you you d better keep out of this mrs s device stick to your resolution let choose her own husband and walter his wife you never can tell how things are going to turn out why i introduced to george at the club one night last winter feeling that there were two fellows who were designed by providence for the old and performance and it wasn t ten minutes | 27 |
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