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are a gentleman i can see that and educated of course yes i am of old family and not i am a a which the first horses were they date back two million years a horse s tale eat sand and sage brush do you mean it yes it is true the bones of my ancestors are held in reverence and worship even by men they do not leave them exposed to the weather when they find them but carry them three thousand miles and them in their temples of learning and worship them it is wonderful i knew you must be a person of distinction by your fine presence and address and by the fact that you are not subjected to the of like myself and the rest would you tell me your name you have probably heard of it soldier boy a horse s tale what the renowned the illustrious even so it takes my breath little did i dream that ever i should stand face to face with the possessor of that great name bill s horse known from the border to the deserts of and from the eastern of the great plains to the foot hills of the truly this is a memorable day you still serve the celebrated chief of i am still his property but he has lent me for a time to the most noble the most gracious the most excellent her general seventh cavalry and flag lieutenant ninth u s a on whom be peace a horse s tale amen did you say her the same a spanish lady sweet blossom of a house and truly a wonder knowing everything capable of everything speaking all the languages master of all a mind without a heart of gold the glory of her race on whom be peace amen it is marvellous verily i knew many things she has taught me others i am educated i will tell you about her i listen i am enchanted i will tell a plain tale calmly without excitement without eloquence when she had been here four or five weeks she was already in military things and they a horse s tale made her an officer a double officer she rode the every day like any soldier and she could take the and direct the herself then on a day there was a grand race for none to enter but the children seventeen children entered and she was the youngest three girls fourteen boys good all it was a with four all pretty high the first prize was a most cunning half grown silver and mighty pretty with red silk cord and bill was very anxious for he had taught her to ride and he did most dearly want her to win that race for the glory of it so he wanted her to ride me but she wouldn t and she reproached him and said it was un a horse s tale fair and and taking advantage for what horse in this post or any other could stand a chance against me and she was very severe with him and said you ought to be ashamed you are proposing to me conduct an officer and a gentleman so he just tossed her up in the air about thirty feet and caught her as she came down and said he was ashamed and put up his handkerchief and pretended to cry which nearly broke her heart and she him and begged him to forgive her and said she would do anything in the world he could ask but that but he said he ought to go hang himself and he must if he could get a rope it was nothing but right he should for he never never could forgive him a horse s tale self and then she began to cry and they both sobbed the way you could hear him a mile and she clinging around his neck and pleading till at last he was comforted a little and gave his solemn promise he wouldn t hang himself till after the race and wouldn t do it at all if she won it which made her happy and she said she would win it or die in the saddle so then everything was pleasant again and both of them content he can t help playing jokes on her he is so fond of her and she is so innocent and and when she finds it out she him and is in a fury but presently him because it s him and maybe the very next day she s caught with another joke you see she can t learn any better because a horse s tale she hasn t any deceit in her and that kind aren t ever expecting it in another person it was a grand race the whole post was there and there was such another and shouting when the seventeen came flying down the turf and sailing over the oh beautiful to see half way down it was kind of neck and neck and anybody s race and nobody s then what should happen but a cow steps out and puts her head down to grass with her to the and they a coming like the wind they split apart to flank her but she why she drove the spurs home and over that cow like a bird and on she went and cleared the last solitary and a horse s tale alone the army letting loose the grand yell and she from the horse the same as if he had been standing still and made her bow and everybody crowded around to congratulate and they gave her the and she put it to her lips and blew boots and to see how it would go and was as proud as you can t think and he said take soldier boy and don	34
t pass him back till i ask for him and i can tell you he wouldn t have said that to any other person on this planet that was two months and more ago and nobody has been on my back since but the general seventh cavalry and flag lieutenant of the ninth u s a on whom be peace amen i listen tell me more fc a horse s tale she set to work and organized the sixteen and called it the first rocky mountain u s a and she wanted to be but they elected her lieutenant general and so she ranks her uncle the who is only a and doesn t she train those little people ask the indians ask the ask the soldiers they ll tell you she has been at it from the first day every morning they go down into the plain and there she sits on my back with her at her mouth and sounds the orders and puts them through the for an hour or more and it is too beautiful for anything to see those from one formation into another and about a horse s tale and break and scatter and form again always moving always graceful now trotting now galloping and so on sometimes near by sometimes in the distance all just like a state ball you know and sometimes she can t hold herself any longer but sounds the charge and turns me loose and you can take my word for it if the hasn t too much of a start we catch up and go over the with the front line yes they are soldiers those little people and healthy too not any more the way they used to be sometimes it s because of her she s got a fort now fort marsh major general planned it out and the seventh and built it is a horse s tale the colonel s son and is fifteen and the oldest in the marsh is general and is next oldest over thirteen she is daughter of captain marsh company b seventh cavalry lieutenant general is the youngest by considerable i think she is about nine and a half or three quarters her military as lieutenant general isn t for business it s for dress parade because the ladies made it they say they got it out of the middle ages out of a book and it is all red and blue and white and and trunks sword with sleeves short cape cap with just one feather in it i ve heard them name these things they got them out of the book she s a horse s tale dressed like a page of old times they say it s the that ever was you will say so when you see it she s lovely in it oh just a dream in some ways she is just her age but in others she s as old as her uncle i think she is very learned she teaches her uncle his book i have seen her sitting by with the book and to him what is in it so that he can learn to do it himself every saturday she little to garrison her fort then she lays siege to it and makes military approaches by make believe in make believe night and finally at make believe dawn she draws her sword and sounds the assault and takes it by storm it is for practice a horse s tale and she has invented a call all by herself out of her own head and it s a stirring one and the prettiest in the service it s to call me it s never used for anything else she taught it to me and told me what it says it is i soldier and when those thrilling notes come floating down the distance i hear them without fail even if i am two miles away and then oh then you should see my heels get down to business and she has taught me how to say good morning and good night to her which is by lifting my right for her to shake and also how to say good bye i do that with my left foot but only for practice because there hasn t been any but make believe y z a horse s tale good yet and i hope there won t ever be it would make me cry if i ever had to put up my left foot in earnest she has taught me how to salute and i can do it as well as a soldier i bow my head low and lay my right against my cheek she taught me that because i got into disgrace once through ignorance i am privileged because i am known to be honorable and and because i have a distinguished record in the service so they don t me nor tie me to or shut me tight in stables but let me wander around to suit myself well the colors is a very solemn ceremony and everybody must stand uncovered when the flag goes by the and all l a horse s tale and once i was there and walked across right in front of the band which was an awful disgrace ah the lieutenant general was so ashamed and so distressed that i should have done such a thing before all the world that she couldn t keep the tears back and then she taught me the salute so that if i ever did any other act through ignorance i could do my salute and she believed everybody would think it was apology enough and would not press the matter it is very nice and distinguished no other horse can do it often the men salute me and i return it i am privileged to be present when	34
the rocky mountain troop the colors and i stand solemn like the children and i salute a horse s tale when the flag goes by of course when she goes to her fort her sing out turn out the guard and then do you catch that refreshing early morning from the mountain pines and the wild flowers the night is far spent we ll hear the before long the black woman is very good and nice she takes care of the lieutenant general and is general s mother which makes her mother to the lieutenant general that is what says at least it is what i think he says though i never can understand him quite clearly who is the seventh cavalry dog i mean if he is a dog his father was a horse s tale a and his mother was a it doesn t really make a dog out of him does it not a real dog i should think only a kind of a general dog at most i reckon though this is a matter of i suppose and if it is it is out of my depth and so my opinion is not valuable and i don t claim much consideration for it it isn t it is which is still more difficult and tangled up always are is quite beyond me quite so i am not but on general principles it is my opinion that a out of a and a wild cat is no square dog but doubtful that is my hand and i stand pat a horse s tale well it is as far as i can go myself and be fair and conscientious i have always regarded him as a doubtful dog and so has is the great says he is no dog and not even poultry though i do not go quite so far as that and i wouldn t myself poultry is one of those things which no person can get to the bottom of there is so much of it and such variety it is just wings and wings and wings till you are weary and and and and angels and and flying fish and well there is really no end to the tribe it gives me the just to think of it but this one hasn t any wings has he a horse s tale no well then in my belief he is more likely to be dog than poultry i have not heard of poultry that hadn t wings wings is the sign of poultry it is what you tell poultry by look at the what do you reckon he is then he must be something why he could be a anything that hasn t wings is a who told you that nobody told me but i overheard it where did you it years ago i was with the philadelphia expedition in the bad lands under professor cope hunting bones and i overheard him say his own self that any a horse s tale that hadn t wings and was uncertain was a well then has this dog any wings no is he a maybe so maybe not but without ever having seen him and judging only by his and i will bet the odds of a of hay to a that he looks it finally is he uncertain that is the point is he uncertain i will leave it to you if you have ever heard of a more dog than what this one is no i never have well then he s a that s settled why look here k a horse s tale last a good one too i was going to say you are better educated than you have been pretending to be i like society and i shall cultivate your acquaintance now as to whenever you want to know about any private thing that is going on at this post or in white cloud s camp or thunder bird s he can tell you and if you make friends with him he ll be glad to for he is a born gossip and up all the being the whole seventh cavalry s he doesn t belong to anybody in particular and hasn t any military duties so he comes and goes as he pleases and is popular with all the house cats and other sources of private a horse s tale tion he understands all the languages and talks them all too with an accent like your teeth it is true and with a grammar that is no improvement on still with practice you get at the meat of what he says and it serves hark that s the quick the p m end at west point the is supposed to be saying i can t get em up i can t get em up i can t get em up in the morning a horse s tale faint and far but isn t it clear isn t it sweet there s no music like the to stir the blood in the still solemnity of the morning twilight with the dim plain stretching away to nothing and the mountains against the sky you ll hear another note in a minute faint and far and clear like the other one and sweeter still you ll notice wait listen there it goes it says it is i soldier come soldier boy s call now then watch me leave a blue streak behind vii soldier boy and id you do as i told you did you look up the yes i made his acquaintance before night and got his friendship i liked him did you not at first he took me for a and it troubled me because i didn t know whether it was a compliment or not i couldn t ask him because it would look ignorant so i didn t say anything and soon	34
i a horse s tale him very well indeed was it a compliment do you think yes that is what it was they are very rare the very few left now a days is that so what is a it is a that hasn t any wings and is uncertain well it it sounds fine it surely does and it is fine you may be thankful you are one i am it seems wonderfully grand and elegant for a person that is so humble as i am but i am thankful i am indeed and will try to live up to it it is hard to remember will you say it again please and say it slow s a horse s tale that hasn t any wings and is uncertain it is beautiful anybody must grant it beautiful and of a noble sound i hope it will not make me proud and stuck up i should not like to be that it is much more distinguished and honorable to be a than a dog don t you think soldier why there s no comparison it is awfully aristocratic often a duke is called a it is set down so in history isn t that grand wouldn t ever associate with me but i reckon he ll be glad to when he finds out what i am you can depend upon it a horse s tale will thank for this he is a very good sort for a don t you think he is it is my opinion of him and as for his birth he cannot help that we cannot all be we cannot all be we have to take what comes and be thankful it is no worse it is the true philosophy for those others stick to the subject please did it turn out that my suspicions were right yes perfectly right has heard them planning they are after s life for running them out of medicine bow and taking their stolen horses away from them well they ll get him yet for sure a horse s tale not if he keeps a sharp he keep a sharp he never does he them and all their kind his life is always being threatened and so it has come to be monotonous does he know they are here oh yes he knows it he is always the earliest to know who comes and who goes but he cares nothing for them and their threats he only laughs when people warn him they ll shoot him from behind a tree the first he knows did tell you their plans yes they have found out that he starts for fort day after to morrow with one of his so they will leave to morrow letting on a horse s tale to go south but they will fetch around north all in good time i don t like the look of it viii the start and ant general b good handsomely done the seventh couldn t beat it you do certainly handle your like an expert general and where are you bound four miles on the trail to fort glad am i dear what s the idea of it guard of honor for you and a horse s tale bless your heart i d rather have it from you than from the commander in chief of the armies of the united states you little soldier and i don t need to take any oath to that for you to believe it i thought you d like it like it well i should say so now then all ready sound the advance and away we go ix soldier boy and again ell this is the way it happened we did the escort duty then we came back and struck for the plain and put the through a rousing oh for hours then we sent them home under general marsh then the lieutenant general and i went off on a gallop over the plains for about three hours and were along home in the middle of the afternoon when we met the a horse s tale boy and he saluted and asked the lieutenant general if she had heard the news and she said no and he said bill has been and badly shot this side of and the too bill couldn t travel but could and he brought the news and and six men of company b are gone two hours ago to get bill and they say go she shouts to me and i went fast don t ask foolish questions it was an awful pace for four hours nothing happened and not a word said except that now and then she said keep it up boy keep it up i a horse s tale sweetheart we ll save him i kept it tip well when the dark shut down in the rugged hills that poor little chap had been tearing around in the saddle all day and i noticed by the slack knee pressure that she was tired and and i got dreadfully afraid but every time i tried to slow down and let her go to sleep so i could stop she hurried me up again and so sure enough at last over she went ah that was a fix to be in for she lay there and didn t stir and what was i to do i couldn t leave her to fetch help on account of the wolves there was nothing to do but stand by it was dreadful i was afraid she was killed poor little thing but she wasn t she came a horse s tale to by and by and said kiss me soldier and those were blessed words i kissed her often i am used to that and we like it but she didn t get up and i was worried she my	34
he had excited her more and done more harm than all the rest put together so he was vexed at himself and wished he had kept still doctors don t know much and that s a fact she s too much interested in things she ought to rest more she s all the time sending messages to and to soldiers and and and to the animals to the animals yes sir who carries them sometimes but mostly it s now come who can find fault with such pretty make believe as that but it ain t make believe tom she does send them a horse s yes i don t doubt that part of it do you doubt they get them sir certainly don t you no sir animals talk to one another i know it perfectly well tom and i ain t saying it by guess what a curious superstition it ain t a superstition tom look at that look at him now is he listening or ain t he now you see he s turned his head away it s because he was caught caught in the act i ll ask you could a christian look any more ashamed than what he looks now lay down you see he was going to out don t tell me a horse s tale tom if animals don t talk i miss my guess and is the worst he goes and tells the animals everything that happens in the officers quarters and if he s short of facts he them he hasn t any more principle than a blue and as for morals he s empty look at him now look at him he knows what i am saying and he knows it s the truth you see yourself that he can feel shame it s the only virtue he s got it s wonderful how they find out everything that s going on the animals they do you really believe they do i don t only just believe it tom i know it day before yesterday they knew something was going a horse s to happen they were that excited and whispering around together why anybody could see that they but my i must get back to her and i haven t got to my errand yet what is it well it s two or three things one is the doctor don t salute when he comes now tom it ain t anything to laugh at and so well then forgive me i didn t mean to laugh i got caught unprepared you see she don t want to hurt the doctor s feelings so she don t say anything to him about it but she is always polite herself and it hurts that kind for people to be rude to them i ll have that doctor hanged a horse s tale tom she don t want him hanged well then i ll have him boiled in oil but she don t want him boiled i oh very well very well i to please her i ll have him why she don t want him it would break her heart now woman this is perfectly unreasonable what in the nation does she want tom if you would only be a little patient and not fly off the handle at the least little thing why she only wants you to speak to him speak to him well upon my a horse s word all this rage and row about such a a i never saw you carry on like this before you have alarmed the he thinks i am being he thinks there s a a revolt an tom you are just putting on you know it perfectly well don t know what makes you act like that but you always did even when you was little and you can t get over it i reckon are you over it now tom oh well yes but it would try anybody to be doing the best he could offering every kindness he could think of only to have it rejected with and oh well let it go it s no matter i ll talk to the doctor a horse s tale is that satisfactory or are you going to break out again yes sir it is and it s only right to talk to him too because it s just as she says she s trying to keep up discipline in the and this of his is a bad example for them now ain t it so tom well there is reason in it i can t deny it so i will speak to him though at bottom i think hanging would be more lasting what is the rest of your errand of course her room is now tom while she s sick well soldiers of the cavalry and the that are off duty come and get her to let them relieve them and serve in a horse s their place it s only out of affection sir and because they know military honors please her and please the children too for her sake and they don t bring their and so t i ve noticed them there but didn t the idea they are standing guard are they yes sir and she is afraid you will them and hurt their feelings if you see them there so she if if you don t mind coming in the back way bear me up don t let me faint there sit up and behave tom you are not going to faint you are only pretending you used to act just so when you was little to t xi t a horse s am satisfied what else have you come about i reckon i better tell	34
i don t know anything about it except in a mixed up way but i know enough to know it s grand sport a horse s tale the in the world there s no other sport that begins with it i ll tell you what i ve seen then you can judge it was my first and it s as vivid to me now as it was when i saw it it was a sunday afternoon and beautiful weather and my uncle the priest took me as a reward for being a good boy and because of my own accord and without anybody asking me i had my and given the money to a mission that was the chinese and their lives and softening their hearts with the gentle of our religion and i wish you could have seen what we saw that day the was packed from the bull ring to the highest row a horse s tale twelve thousand people in one mass one solid mass clergy ladies gentlemen state officials soldiers sailors lawyers thieves merchants maids doubtful women beggars american ladies gentlemen english ladies gentlemen german french and so on and so on all the world represented to admire and praise foreigners to enjoy and go home and find fault there they were one solid sloping sweep of rippling and flashing color under the of the summer sun just a garden a gaudy gorgeous flower garden children a horse s tale six thousand fluttering and glimmering everybody happy everybody with their lovely girl faces smiling recognition and salutation to other lovely girl faces gray old ladies and gentlemen dealing in the like with each other ah such a picture of cheery contentment and glad anticipation not a mean spirit nor a sordid soul nor a sad heart there ah i wish i could see it again suddenly the martial note of a the hum and murmur clear the ring they clear it the great gate is flung open and the procession in splendidly and glittering the of the day a horse s tale then the on horseback then the on foot each surrounded by his of they march to the box of the city fathers and formally salute the key is thrown the bull gate is unlocked another blast the gate flies open the bull in furious trembling in the blinding light and stands there a magnificent creature centre of those and admiring eyes brave ready for battle his attitude a challenge he sees his enemy sitting motionless with long in rest upon broken down lean and starved fit only for sport and sacrifice then the heap the bull makes a rush with i a horse s tale murder in his eye but a meets him with a spear thrust in the shoulder he with the pain and the out of danger a burst of applause for the for the bull some shout at the bull and call him offensive names but he is not listening to them he is there for business he is not the that come fluttering around to him he this way he that way and hither and yon scattering the in every direction like a spray and receiving their in his neck as they and fly oh but it s a lively spectacle and brings down the house ah you should hear the thundering roar that goes up a horse s when the game is at its wildest and brilliant things are done oh that first bull that day was great from the moment the spirit of war rose to flood tide in him and he got down to his work he began to do wonders he tore his way through his flinging one of them clear over the he a horse and his rider down and plunged straight for the next got home with his horns both horse and man on again here and there and this way and that and one after another he tore the out of two horses so that they to the ground and a third one so badly that although they rushed him to cover and his back and stuffed the rents with tow and rode a horse s tale him against the bull again he couldn t make the trip he tried to gallop under the spur but soon and and fell all in a heap for a while that bull ring was the most thrilling and glorious and inspiring sight that ever was seen the bull absolutely cleared it and stood there alone monarch of the place the people went mad for pride in him and joy and delight and you couldn t hear yourself think for the roar and boom and crash of applause it carries me clear out of myself just to hear you tell it it must have been perfectly splendid if i live i ll see a bull fight yet before i die did they kill him oh yes that is what the bull is for they tired him out and got him a horse s at last he kept rushing the who always slipped and gracefully aside in time waiting for a sure chance and at last it came the bull made a deadly plunge for him was avoided neatly and as he sped by the long sword glided silently into him between left shoulder and in and in to the he down dying ah it is the noblest sport that ever was i would give a year of my life to see it is the bull always killed yes sometimes a bull is timid finding himself in so strange a place and he stands trembling or tries to retreat then everybody him for his cowardice and wants him punished and made ridiculous so a horse s tale they him from behind and it is the thing in the world to see him around on his severed legs	34
the whole vast house goes into of laughter over it i have laughed till the tears ran down my cheeks to see it when he has furnished all the sport he can he is not any longer useful and is killed well it is perfectly grand perfectly beautiful burning a don t begin xii and the other horse age brush you have been listening yes isn t it strange well no i don t know that it is why don t you i ve seen a good many human beings in my time they are created as they are they cannot help it they are only brutal because that is their make brutes would be brutal if it was their make a horse s tale to me sage brush man is most strange and unaccountable why should he treat dumb animals that way when they are not doing any harm man is not always like that he is kind enough when he is not excited by religion is the bull fight a religious service i think so i have heard so it is held on sunday a pause lasting some moments then when we die sage brush do we go to heaven and dwell with man my father thought not he believed we do not have to go there unless we deserve it part ii in spain xiii general to his mother t was a prodigious trip t but delightful of course through the and the black hills and the mighty sweep of the great plains to civilization and the border where the began and the ended but no one is the worse for the journey certainly not nor nor soldier boy and as for me i am not complaining spain is all that had pictured i a horse s tale it and more she says she is in a fury of delight the little animal that ever was and all for joy she thinks she remembers spain but that is not very likely i suppose the two and each other it is a rapture of love and beautiful to see it is spanish that describes it will this be a short visit no it will be permanent has elected to abide with spain and her aunt says she foresaw that this would happen and also says that she wanted it to happen and says the child s own country is the right place for her and that she ought not to have been sent to me i ought to have gone to her i thought it insane to take soldier boy i a horse s tale to spain but it was well that i yielded to s if he had been left behind half of her heart would have remained with him and she would not have been contented as it is everything has fallen out for the best and we are all satisfied and comfortable it may be that and i will see america again some day but also it is a case of maybe not we left the post in the early morning it was an affecting time the women cried over so did even those stern warriors the rocky mountain was there and the and and and and sour famine and and kissed them all and wept details of i a horse s tale the several arms of the garrison were present to represent the rest and say good bye and god bless you for all the and there was a special from the seventh with the oldest at its head to speed the seventh s child with grand honors and impressive ceremonies and the had a touching speech by heart and put up his hand in salute and tried to say it but his lips trembled and his voice broke but bent down from the saddle and kissed him on the mouth and turned his defeat to victory and a cheer went up the next act closed the ceremonies and was a moving surprise it may be that you have discovered before this that the of military law a horse s tale and custom melt away and disappear when a soldier or a regiment or the garrison wants to do something that will please the bands conceived the idea of stirring her heart with a farewell which would remain in her memory always beautiful and and bring back the past and its love for her whenever she should think of it so they got their project placed before general my successor who is s slave and in spite of poverty of they got his permission the bands knew the child s favorite military airs by this hint you know what is coming but didn t she was asked to sound the which she did i a horse s tale quick with the last note the bands burst out with a crash and woke the mountains with the star banner in a way to make a body s heart swell and and his hair rise it was enough to break a person all up to see s radiant face shining out through her gladness and tears by request she blew the assembly now a horse s tale moderate the assembly r then the bands thundered in with rally round the flag boys rally once again next she blew another call to the standard to the standard quick time a horse s tale and the bands responded with when we were marching through straightway she sounded boots and that thrilling and most call boots and quick and the bands could hardly hold in for the final note then they turned their whole strength loose on tramp tramp tramp the boys are marching and everybody s excitement rose to blood heat now an impressive pause then a horse s tale the sang this time into good bye and god keep us all for is the soldier s nightly release from duty	34
a visit to the asylum for aged and decayed a society scandal i viii contents de rev cream cheese and the new livery i the op great riches and miss on the chinese question hunting for an apartment the last straw plain language from truthful james pigs a fight with a to speech at a mark twain dinner how i an agricultural paper the and the hen jack and oriental sayings woman and logic the confiding peasant and the bear what he wanted it for etc nonsense verses the robin and the our thoughtful friends illustrations shakespeare hurrying to the the strange behavior of uncle forty seven miles a taste for needles little breeches a french cook the critics ahead shouted he went for the heathen i haven t the heart to poor facing p an unexpected acquaintance bt mark twain we left in the train for and reached about ten o clock at night the first discovery i made was that the beauty of the lake had not been exaggerated within a day or two i made another discovery this was that the is not a wild goat that it is not a animal that it is not shy that it does not avoid human society and that there is no peril in hunting it the is a black or brown creature no bigger than a seed you do not have to go after it it comes after you it arrives in vast herds and and all over your body inside your clothes thus it is not shy but extremely it is not afraid of man on the contrary it will attack him its bite is not dangerous but neither is it pleasant its activity has not been if you try to put your finger on it it will a thousand times its own length at one jump and no eye is sharp enough to see where it lights a great deal of romantic nonsense has been written about the and the perils of best funny stories hunting it whereas the truth is that even women and children hunt it and indeed everybody it the hunting is going on all the time day and night in bed and out of it it is poetic foolishness to hunt it with a gun very few people do that there is not one man in a million who can hit it with a gun it is much easier to catch it than it is to shoot it and only the experienced hunter can do either another common piece of exaggeration is that about the of the it is the reverse of scarce of one hundred million are not in the hotels indeed they are so numerous as to be a great the always dress up the hunter in a fanciful and picturesque costume whereas the best way to hunt this game is to do it without any costume at all the article of commerce called skin is another fraud nobody could skin a it is too small the creature is a in every way ana everything which has been written about it is sentimental exaggeration it was no pleasure to me to find the out for he had been one of my pet illusions all my life it had been my dream to see him in his native some day and engage in the adventurous sport of chasing him from cliff to cliff it is no pleasure to me to expose him now and destroy the reader s delight in him and respect for him but still it must be done for when an honest writer an it is his men and things simple duty to strip it bare and it down from its place of honor no matter who suffers by it any other course would render him unworthy of the public confidence is a charming place it begins at the water s edge with a fringe of hotels and up and itself over two or three sharp hills in a crowded but picturesque way offering to the eye a heaped up confusion of red roofs quaint windows with here and there a bit of ancient wall bending itself over the worm fashion and here and there an old square tower of heavy and also here and there a town clock with only one hand a hand which stretches straight across the dial and has no joint in it such a clock helps out the picture but you cannot tell the time of day by it between the line of hotels and the lake is a broad avenue with lamps and a double rank of low shade trees the lake front is walled with like a pier and has a railing to keep people from walking overboard all day long the dash along the avenue and nurses children and sit in the shade of the tr or lean on the railing and watch the schools of fishes darting about in the clear water or gaze out over the lake at the stately border of snow mountain peaks little pleasure black with people are coming and going all the time and everywhere one sees young girls and men about in best funny stories row boats or along by the help of sails when there is any wind the front rooms of the hotels have little where one may take his private luncheon in calm cool comfort and look down upon this busy and pretty scene and enjoy it without having to do any of the work connected with it most of the people both male and female are in walking costume and carry evidently it is not considered safe to go about in even in town without an if the forgets and comes down to breakfast without his he goes back and gets it and stands it up in the comer when his in is finished he does not throw that away but it home	34
to let you go over there and make such an exhibition of yourself but you know i couldn t really believe you would do such an thing what will those people think of us but men and things how did you say it i mean the manner of it i hope you were not abrupt no i was careful about that i said my friend and i would like to know what your name is if you don t mind no that was not abrupt there is a polish about it that does you infinite credit and i am glad you put me in that was a delicate attention which i appreciate at its full value what did she do she didn t do anything in particular she told me her name simply told you her name do you mean to say she did not show any surprise well now i come to think she did show something maybe it was surprise i hadn t thought of that i took it for gratification oh undoubtedly you were right it must have been gratification it could not be otherwise than gratifying to be by a stranger with such a question as that then what did you do i offered my hand and the party gave me a shake i saw it i did not believe my own eyes at the time did the gentlemen say anything about cutting your throat no they all seemed glad to see me as far as i could judge and do you know i believe they were i think they said to themselves doubtless this i best funny stories curiosity has got away from his keeper let us amuse ourselves with him there is no other way of for their you sat down did they ask you to sit down no they did not ask me but i suppose they did not think of it you have an instinct what else did you do what did you talk about well i asked the girl how old she was c your delicacy is beyond praise on go on don t mind my apparent misery i always look so when i am in a profound and joy go on she told you her age yes she told me her age and all about her mother and her grandmother and her other relations and all about herself did she these no not exactly that i asked the questions and she answered them this is divine on it is not possible that you forgot to inquire into her politics no i thought of that she is a her husband is a republican and both of them are her husband is that child married she is not a child she is married and that is her husband who is there with her has she any children yes seven and a half that is impossible men and things i no she has them she told me herself well but seven and a half how do you make out the half where does the half come in that is a child which she had by another husband not this one but another one so it is a step child and they do not count it full measure another husband has she had another husband yes four this one is number four i don t believe a word of it it is impossible upon its face is that boy there her brother no that is her son he is her he is not as old as he looks he is only eleven and a half these things are all impossible this is a wretched business it is a plain case they simply took your measure and concluded to fill you up they seem to have succeeded i am glad i am not in the mess they may at least be charitable enough to think there ain t a pair of us are they going to stay here long no they leave before noon there is one man who is deeply for that how did you find out you asked i suppose no along at first i inquired into their plans in a general way and they said they going to be here a week and make round about but towards the end of the interview when i said you and i would tour with them with pleasure best funny stories and offered to bring you over and introduce you they hesitated a little and asked if you were from the same establishment that i was i said you were and then they said they had changed their mind and considered it necessary to start at once and visit a sick relative in ah me you struck the summit you struck the of stupidity that human effort has ever reached you shall have a monument of as high as the spire if you die before i do they wanted to know if i was from the same establishment that you hailed from did they what did they mean by establishment i don t know it never occurred to me to ask well know they meant an asylum an idiot asylum do you understand so they do think there s a pair of us after all now what do you think of yourself well i don t know i didn t know i was doing any harm i didn t mean to do any harm they were very nice people and they seemed to like me made some rude remarks and left for his bedroom to break some furniture he said he was a singularly man any little thing would disturb his temper i had been well by the woman but no matter i took it out of one should always get even in some way else the sore place will go on by s t stern mr reached his home plainly tired	34
twenty seven lady twenty seven it is then this much you must remember mr is a very severe man and in his ideas of domestic economy he is accustomed to have me pay seventeen it would grieve him somewhat to learn i was paying more so it would said it would not do to him your wages shall be seventeen dollars you understand the balance will be a private arrangement between ourselves will you promise to say nothing about it to mr i promise said fervently proved herself an efficient servant so distinguished were her efforts in the cooking line that when learned of the servant troubles of his cousin george he promptly invited that gentleman and his bride to dinner they ve had eleven girls in their three months of married life he to mrs it is true to indulge them in a square meal they are coming wednesday evening next give free rein i am sure you will mrs s envy on the appointed evening the entered the dining room what a beautiful table exclaimed mrs your servant must be a jewel why stood on the threshold at sight of mrs she retreated and refused to the strange behavior of i men and things appear at any time during the evening the remainder of the meal it was a good one was served by a hastily borrowed from a neighbor i cannot account for s strange behavior said mrs to her guest do you know her know her i should say i did for years she lived in my aunt s house she is a splendid servant completely competent my used to say she did not know what she would do without her she stayed until my aunt s death she has one terrible fault of which i am sure she has since been cured is awfully so she is the most person i have ever encountered for years my aunt had been paying her fifteen dollars a month after s death we discovered that my uncle had been paying her as much again on the sly she that tribute as the price of her continued service sh said mrs sh h h h h said mr mrs had flushed crimson she dared not look at her husband for the first time in her married life she had deceived him had she glanced in his direction she would have seen that his eyes like her own were studying the on the ceiling with a hardly accounted for by any merit that they possessed he feared discovery every instant one best funny stories thing was assured must go or no her immediate retirement was imperative mrs must discharge her he the subject gently soon after the departure of their guests said he there is a mystery about which does not please me her conduct this evening was impudent in the extreme i cannot suffer it to pass she is hardly a fit person to continue in our employ not after what we heard this evening responded his wife with alacrity you must send her away the first thing in the morning i my dear not i you shall discharge her no she stammered you hired her yours shall be the discharge i see no reason why i should the mere fact that i descended to the realm of the kitchen on one occasion is no reason why i should assume complete charge of your department in the household she is with us three weeks over the month by way of compensation you may pay her a full month s you have my permission said mrs with a you are a coward if i were a i d call out your two thousand every day in the week the subject was dropped abruptly after that next morning mrs complained of a headache and took her breakfast in bed men and things ay that evening at the dinner table mr first broke silence said he for once i altered a fixed determination when i discharged this morning she was she threatened no end of that would be for you i know to get rid of the girl i gave her a month s wages and an additional twenty five dollars that is the last time i intrude into dominion as long as we live you gave her twenty five dollars did you cried mrs and i thought i was considerate of your feelings when i discharged her this afternoon and gave her twenty five too and they have been wondering ever since the legend of by robert jones it is a legend of the land was the village blacksmith and under the spreading chestnut his village stood he the hot iron and horses for fifty cents all round please he made tin for the and stove trousers for the was a rival blacksmith he didn t go in very much for but he was lightning on two edged and cut and he made knives for the and he made the great an that would make a free clear into the of a cast iron and never turn its edge that was the kind of a said he was one day made an impenetrable suit of for a second class and put it on himself to test it and inserted a card in the saying that he was wearing a suit of men and things home made best chilled that would nick the saw teeth in the pot metal of the over the way that remarked to his friend was the kind of a he was when out the card next morning he said and went to work with a furnace a cold and the new process and in a little while he came down street with a that glittered like a dollar store diamond and met down by the new on his new and said if you have no hereafter use for your strike on	34
his hands whirled his above his head and fetched a that seemed to miss everything except the empty air through which it softly whistled smiled and said go on adding that it seemed to him he felt a general sense of cold iron somewhere in the neighborhood but he hadn t been hit shake yourself said shook himself and immediately fell into the most neatly divided man that ever went beside himself that s where the maker was away off in his said as he went back to his shop to put up the price of sixty five best funny stories per cent in all lines with an unlimited advance on special orders thus do we learn that a good action is never thrown away and that kind words and patient love will overcome the the tar baby by one evening recently the lady whom uncle calls miss sally missed her little old making search for him through the house and through the yard she heard the of voices in the old man s cabin and looking through the window saw the child sitting by uncle his head rested against the old man s arm and he was gazing with an expression of the most intense interest into the rough weather beaten face that beamed so kindly upon him this is what miss sally heard one day fox bin all he could fer ter rabbit en rabbit bin all he could fer ter keep im it fox say to f he d put up a game on rabbit en he ain t mo n got de out n his rabbit come a up de big road des plump en fat en a in a patch on rabbit fox best funny stories i ain t got time fox rabbit his i have some you rabbit fox all right fox but you better you i m er dis rabbit i seed b ar en he me de coals you en me ain t make en live en i im i d see you den rabbit scratch one year his off foot en den he en a a fox n you ter en take dinner me we ain t got no great s at our house but i speck de en de kin scramble en up n fer ter stay yo i m ble rabbit fox den i ll pen on you rabbit day mr rabbit an mrs rabbit got up soon fo day en on a like miss sally s out en got some en some n years en some grass en fix up a dinner one er de little out in de back yard come in oh ma oh ma i seed mr fox a en den rabbit he de by der years en make set down en him en men and things mrs rabbit for fox en keep on but no fox ain t come while rabbit goes to de do easy like en peep out en out de de tip een er fox s tail den rabbit shot de do en down en put his his years en begin f er ter sing de place you de right ter slide an you fine a bunch er ha r you ll fine de hide day fox sent word by mr en f he too sick fer ter come en he ax rabbit fer ter come en take dinner him en rabbit say he ble w en de at der rabbit he brush up en down ter fox s house en w en he got he yer somebody en he look in de do en he see fox up in a cheer all up en he look mighty weak rabbit look all he did but he ain t see no dinner de dish pan on de table en close by a knife look like you have chicken fer dinner fox rabbit yes rabbit nice en fresh en tender fox den rabbit pull his en best funny stories say you ain t got no root is you fox i done got so now i can t eat no chicken she s up root en rabbit out er de do and de bushes en fer fox en he ain t watch long fox off de en out er de house en got he close in on rabbit en rabbit out oh fox i ll des put yo root out yer on dish yer better come it while it s fresh an rabbit gallop off home en fox ain t never im en w at s mo honey he ain t ii didn t the fox never catch the rabbit uncle asked the little boy the next evening he come mighty nigh it honey s you fox did one day rabbit fool im root fox went ter en got im some tar en mix it some en fix up a he call a tar baby en he dish yer tar baby en he er in de big road en den he lay off in de bushes fer ter see de news be en he didn t wait long here come rabbit down de road a uncle best funny stories he er side er de head right s he broke his his stuck en he can t pull loose de tar im but tar baby she stay still en fox he lay low ef you don t loose i ll knock you rabbit en he er a wipe de han en stuck tar baby she ain t en fox he lay low tu n me loose fo i kick de you rabbit but de tar baby she ain t she des on en den rabbit lose de use er his feet in de same way fox he lay low den rabbit out ef de tar baby don t tu n im loose he butt er en den he en his head got stuck den fox he sa fort des yo s birds	34
rabbit fox you look stuck up dis en den he rolled on de en en he couldn t no mo i speck you ll take dinner me dis time rabbit i done laid in some root en i ain t take no fox here uncle paused and drew a out of the ashes did the fox eat the rabbit asked the little boy to whom the story had been told men and things s all de de tale goes replied the old man he en den he some say b ar come long en im some say he didn t i hear miss sally you better run long washington gives a dinner by john it was washington s birthday and the gentleman who had the pleasure of being father of his country decided to it at the associated shades floating palace on the as the weekly gossip a journal of society called it by giving a dinner to a select of friends among the invited guests were baron doctor johnson napoleon and was also present but not as a guest he had a table off to one side all to himself and upon it there were no china plates silver knives forks and dishes of fruit but pens and ink in great quantity it was evident that s duties did not end with his labors in the sphere the dinner was set down to begin at seven o clock so that the guests as was proper sauntered slowly in between that hour and eight the was particularly choice the shades of s canvas back ducks and sheep having been called into and cooked men and things by no less a person than in the oven he find in the f cooking establishment by the government washington was on hand early the and the and the and giving to final instructions as to the manner in which he wished things served the first guest to arrive was and after him came the latter in great excitement over having discovered a comparatively honest man whose name however he had not been able to ascertain though he was the impression that it was something like or he said at eight the brilliant company was arranged comfortably about the board an of five the of sweet music behind a screen and the feast of reason and flow of began this is a great day said doctor johnson assisting himself to the yes said who was also a guest yes it is a great day but it isn t a to a little day in october i of still sore on that point the edge of his knife on the shade of a oh no said calmly i don t feel jealous of washington he is the father of his and i am not i only discovered the orphan i knew the country before it had a best funny stories father or a mother there wasn t anybody who was to be even a sister to it when i knew it but g w here took it in hand it down it when it needed it and started it off on the career which has made it worth while for me to let my name be known in connection with it why i be jealous of him i am sure i don t know why anybody anywhere be jealous of anybody else anyhow said i never was and i never expect to be jealousy is a that is utterly foreign to the nature of an honest man take my own case for instance when i was what they call alive how did i live i don t know said doctor johnson turning his head as he spoke so that not fail to hear i wasn t there nodded chuckled slightly and put the doctor s remark down for publication in the gossip you re doubtless right there retorted what you don t know fill a library well i lived in a tub now if i believed in envy i suppose you think i d be envious of people who live in fronts with back yards and eh i d rather live under a than in a tub said contemptuously i know you would said never you but i t in the first place my tub wa warm i never saw men and things a house with a front that was except in and then the owner cursed it because it was so my tub had no in it to get out of order it hadn t any flights of stairs in it that had to be climbed after dinner or late at night when i came home from the club it had no front door with a wandering key hole calculated to the key ninety nine times out of every hundred efforts to bring the two together and reconcile their differences in order that their owner may get into his own house late at night it wasn t chained down to any particular neighborhood as are most fronts if the neighborhood ran down i could move my tub off into a better neighborhood and it never lost value through the of its i never had to pay taxes on it and no was ever so hard up that he thought of breaking into my habitation to rob me so why should i be jealous of the house i am a philosopher gentlemen i tell you philosophy is the thief of jealousy and i had the to find it out early in life there is much in what you say said but there s another side to the matter if a man is an by nature as i was his neighborhood never could nm down wherever he lived would be the swell section so that really your last argument isn t worth a are pretty good though said baron en with an m of best funny stories his lips i ve	34
eaten them many a time in the regions i have no doubt of it put in doctor johnson youve eaten in africa too haven t you only once said the baron calmly and i can t say i enjoyed them they are rather heavy for the that s so said i ve had experience with myself you never ate one did you not raw said with a chuckle though i ve been tempted many a time to call for a second of the there was a laugh at this in which all but baron joined i think it is too bad said the baron as the laughter subsided i think it is very much too bad that you shades have brought prejudice with you into this sphere just because some people with minds profess to my stories you think it well to be yourselves i don t care however whether you believe me or not the fact remains that i have eaten one and countless and the were finer than any diamond back rat ever had served at a state banquet where s shakespeare to night asked seeing that the baron was beginning to men and things lose his temper and wishing to avoid trouble by changing the subject wasn t he invited general yes said washington he was invited but he couldn t come he had to go over the river to consult with an they ve formed in new york you know his sell for about one thousand dollars apiece and they re trying to get up a scheme whereby he shall contribute an a week to the to be sold to the public it seems like a rich scheme but there s one thing in the way haven t very much of a market because the mortals can t be made to believe that they are genuine but the has got a man at work trying to get over that these are a mighty lot and they think perhaps the scheme can be worked the yankee is an genius it was a yankee invented that tale about not being able to wasn t it george asked washington smiled acquiescence and doctor johnson returned to shakespeare i d rather have a morning glory vine than one of shakespeare s said he they are far prettier and quite as mortals wouldn t said what fools they be chuckled johnson at this point the canvas back ducks were served one whole shade of a bird for each guest best funny stories fall to gentlemen said washington gazing at his bird when canvas back ducks are on the table conversation is not required of any one it is fortunate for us that we have so considerate a host said his robe and preparing to do justice to the fare set before him i have dined often but never before with one who was willing to let me eat a bird like this in silence washington here s to you may your life be with and may ours be equally well supplied with like this at your expense the toast was drained and the fell to as requested they re great aren t they whispered to well rather returned the baron i don t see why the mortals don t erect a statue to the canvas back did anybody at this board ever have as much canvas back duck as he could eat asked doctor johnson yes said the baron i did once oh you sneered you ve had everything except the retorted but honestly i did once have as much duck as i could eat it must have cost you a million said but even then they d be cheap men and things daily to a man yourself who could perform miracles if i could have performed miracles with the ease which was so characteristic of all your efforts never have died at st what s the odds where you died said dr johnson if it hadn t been at st it would have been somewhere else and you d have found death as in one place as in another don t let s talk of death said washington i am sure the baron s tale of how he came to have enough canvas back is more i ve no doubt it is more said johnson it happened this way said i was out for sport and i got it i was alone my servant having fallen ill which was since i had always left the filling of my to him and its capacity i started at six in the morning and not having hunted for several months was not in very good form so no game appearing for a time i took a few practice shots trying to off the slender tops of the pine trees that i encountered with my bullets succeeding tolerably well for one who was a little rusty bringing down ninety nine out of the first one hundred and one and missing the remaining two by such a close margin that they swayed to and fro as though by a slight breeze as i fired my one and first shot what should i see before me but a flock of these best funny stories delicate birds floating upon the placid waters of the bay was this the bay of baron with a covert smile at i counted them said the baron the question and there were just sixty eight here s a chance for the record baron said i to myself and then i made ready to shoot them imagine my dismay gentlemen when i discovered that while i had plenty of powder left i had used up all my bullets now as you may imagine to a man with no bullets at hand the sight of fat canvas backs is hardly encouraging but i was resolved to have every one of those birds the question was how shall i do it i never can	34
think on water so i ashore and began to reflect as i lay there deep in thought i saw lying upon the beach before me a superb and as reflection makes me hungry i seized upon the and swallowed him as he went down something stuck in my throat and it what should it prove to be but a pearl of surpassing beauty my first thought was to be content with my day s find a pearl worth thousands surely was enough to satisfy the most ardent lover of sport but on looking up i saw those ducks still about and i could not bring myself to give them up suddenly the idea came the pearl is as large as a bullet and fully as round why not use it then as thoughts come to me in i next men and things reflected ah but this is only one bullet as against sixty eight birds immediately a third thought came why not shoot them all with a single bullet it is possible though not probable i snatched out a of paper and a pencil made a rapid calculation based on the doctrine of chances and proved to my own satisfaction that at some time or another within the following two weeks those birds would doubtless be sitting in a straight line and about indian file for an instant i resolved to await that instant i loaded my gun with the pearl and a sufficient quantity of powder to send the charge through every one of the ducks if perchance the first duck were properly hit to pass over wearisome details let me say that it happened just as i expected i had one week and six days to wait but finally the critical moment came it was at midnight but fortunately the moon was at the full and i could see as plainly as though it had been day the moment the ducks were in line i aimed and fired they every one turned over and died my pearl had pierced the whole sixty eight blushed said dr johnson it was a pity to lose the pearl that said was the most interesting part of the story i had made a second calculation in order to save the pearl i the amount of powder necessary to send the best funny stories through sixty seven and a half birds and my was strictly accurate it fulfilled its mission of death on sixty seven and was found buried in the heart of the sixty eighth a trifle but still a pearl and worth a king s napoleon gave a laugh and the other guests sat with incredulity depicted upon every line of their faces do you believe that story yourself baron asked why not asked the baron is there anything improbable in it why should you it look at our friend washington here is there any one here who knows more about truth than he does he doesn t it he s the only man at this table who treats me like a man of honor he s host and has to said johnson his shoulders well washington let me put the direct question to you said the baron say you aren t host and are under no obligation to be courteous do you believe i haven t been telling the truth my dear said the general don t ask me i m not an authority i can t tell a lie not even when i hear one if you say your story is true i must believe it of course but ah really if i were you i wouldn t tell it again unless i could produce the pearl and the wish bone of one of the ducks at least men and things whereupon as the discussion was beginning to grow washington hailed and ordering a boat invited his guests to accompany him over into the of realities where they passed the balance of the evening haunting a performance at one of the london music halls the haunted room by robert jones once in the dead heart of the pitiless winter i had drawn my good two handed lecture with the terrible name and was all the of with it neither pronounced young nor old and wearing at my belt the of many a pale face audience one night i reached the pleasant just as the clock in the lord mayor s castle struck it was bitter biting cold and there was no at the station while there was a good hotel there i went in and and a man of commanding presence tailor built clothes and a brown beard of most refined culture followed me and under my made the register with his i stood a little in awe of this majestic creature and when in a deep bass commanding voice he ordered a room i had a great mind something i always carry with me when i travel to go out and get him one the gentlemanly and night clerk who also seemed to be deeply impressed as is the habit of the night men and things si clerk with the gentleman s responsible to said he was sorry but he had but one vacant room and it contained but one bed still he said as became a man who was bound to stand for his house if it hadn t a bed in it it was a wide bed very wide and quite long two gentlemen could sleep in it comfortably and if but the commanding being at my side said that was quite altogether out of the question entirely he was sorry for the here he looked at me hesitated but finally said gentleman but he couldn t share his room with him he was sorry for the gentleman and hoped he might find comfortable lodgings but he couldn t permit him to occupy even	34
a portion of his bed then the clerk begged pardon and was sorry and all that but this other gentleman had first and it was for him to say what disposition should be made of this lonely room and solitary bed i hastened to assure the majestic being that it was all right he was welcome to two thirds of the room all of the looking glass and one half of the bed no he said very abruptly i will sit here by the stove and sleep in my chair i thank you sir but i would not sleep with my own brother i prefer a room to myself i meekly told him that i didn t know what kind of a man his brother was but no doubt he did and therefore i must conclude that he wasn t a fit man to sleep with but his brother was out of the best funny stories tion and if he wanted part of my couch he might have it and welcome and i would agree not to think of the brother no sir he said i will sleep in no man s bed i said i wouldn t either if i wasn t sleepy but when i was sleepy i didn t care i d sleep with the king of england or the president and wouldn t care a cent who knew it well i went to bed i curled up the warm soft blankets and heard the wind shriek and wail and whistle and yell how like all creation the wind can blow in and as the night grew colder and colder every minute i fell asleep and dreamed that heaven was just forty eight miles west of about or o clock there came a thundering rap at the door and with a vague half waking impression in my dream that somebody the other place was trying to get in i said what is it it is i answered a splendid voice which i recognized at once i am the gentleman who came on the train with you yes i said and what is the matter the splendid voice was a trifle humble as it replied i have changed my mind about sleeping with another man so have i i howled so that the very winds laughed in merry echo so have i i wouldn t get out of this warm bed to open that door for my own brother men and things s i will close this story here if i should write the language that went down that dim cold hall outside my door you wouldn t print it and when next morning i went down stairs as fresh as a rose and saw that majestic being knotted up in a hard arm chair looking a hundred years old i said better is a poor and wise child than an old and foolish king who not how to be for out of prison he to reign whereas also he that is bom in his kingdom poor this is also vanity a restless night by mark twain we were in bed by ten for we wanted to be up and away on our tramp homeward with the dawn i hung fire but went to sleep at once i hate a man who goes to sleep at once there is a sort of something about it which is not exactly an insult and yet is an insolence and one which is hard to bear too i lay there over this injury and trying to go to sleep but the harder i tried the wider awake i grew i got to feeling very lonely in the dark with no company but an dinner my mind got a start by and by and began to consider the beginning of every subject which has ever been thought of but it never went further than the beginning it was touch and go it fled from topic to topic with a frantic speed at the end of an hour my head was in a perfect whirl and i was dead tired out the fatigue was so great that it presently began to make some head against the nervous excitement while imagining myself wide awake i would really into momentary unconscious men and things ss and come suddenly out of them with a physical jerk which nearly my joints apart the delusion of the instant being that i was tumbling backward over a precipice after i had fallen over eight or nine and thus found out that one half of my brain had been asleep eight or nine times without the wide awake hard working other half suspecting it the began to extend their spell gradually over more of my brain territory and at last i sank into a which grew deeper and deeper and was doubtless on the very point of becoming a solid blessed dreaming stupor when what was that my faculties dragged themselves partly back to life and took a attitude now out of an immense a distance came a something which grew and grew and approached and presently was as a sound it had rather seemed to be a feeling before this sound was a mile away now perhaps it was the murmur of a storm and now it was nearer not a quarter of a mile away was it the muffled and grinding of distant machinery no it came still nearer was it the measured tramp of a marching troop but it came nearer still and still nearer and at last it was right in the room it was merely a mouse the wood work so i had held my breath all that time for such a trifle well what was done could not be helped i s best funny stories go to sleep at once and make up the lost time that was a thoughtless thought without intending it hardly	34
knowing it i fell to listening intently to that sound and even unconsciously counting the strokes of the mouse s presently i was exquisite suffering from this employment yet maybe i could have endured it if the mouse had attended steadily to his work but he did not do that he stopped every now and then and i suffered more while waiting and listening for him to begin again than i did while he was along at first i was mentally offering a reward of five six seven ten dollars for that mouse but towards the last i was offering rewards which were entirely beyond my means i close my ears that is to say i bent the of them down and them into five or six folds and pressed them against the hearing but it did no good the faculty was so sharpened by nervous excitement that it was become a and hear through the without trouble my anger grew to a frenzy i finally did what all persons before have done clear back to adam resolved to throw something i reached down and got my walking shoes then sat up in bed and listened in order to exactly the noise but i couldn t do it it was as as a s noise and where one thinks that that is is always the very place where it isn t so i present men and things s ly hurled a shoe at random and with a vicious vigor it struck the wall over s head and fell down on him i had not imagined i could throw so far it woke and i was glad of it i found he was not angry then i was sorry he soon went to sleep again which pleased me but straightway the mouse began again which roused my temper once more i did hot want to wake a second time but the continued until i was compelled to throw the other shoe this time i broke a mirror there were two in the room i got the largest one of course woke again but did not complain and i was than ever i resolved that i would suffer all possible torture before i would disturb him a third time the mouse eventually retired and by and by i was sinking to sleep when a clock began to strike i counted till it was done and was about to again when another clock began i counted then the two great clock angels began to send forth soft rich melodious from their long trumpets i had never heard anything that was so lovely or weird or mysterious but when they got to blowing the quarter hours they seemed to me to be the thing every time i dropped off for a moment a new noise woke me each time i woke i missed my and had to reach down to the floor and get it again at last all me i recognized s best funny stories the fact that i was hopelessly and permanently wide awake wide awake and feverish and thirsty when i had lain tossing there as long as i could it it occurred to me that it would be a good idea to dress and go out in the great square and take a refreshing wash in the fountain and smoke and reflect there the remnant of the night was gone i believed i could dress in the dark without waking i had banished my shoes after the mouse but my slippers would do for a summer night so i rose softly and gradually got on everything down to one i couldn t seem to get on the track of that any way i could fix it but i had to have it so i went down on my hands and knees with one on and the other in my hand and began to gently around and the floor but with no success i enlarged my circle and went on and with every pressure of my knee how the floor and every time i chanced to against any article it seemed to give out thirty five or thirty six times more noise than it would have done in the in those cases i always stopped and held my breath till i was sure had not awakened then i crept along again i moved on and on but i could not find the i could not seem to find anything but furniture i could not remember that there was much furniture in the room when i went to bed but the place was alive with it now men and things chairs chairs everywhere had a couple of families moved in in the mean time and i never seem to glance on one of those chairs but always struck it full and square with my head my temper rose by steady and sure degrees and as i on and on i fell to making vicious comments under my breath finally with a access of irritation i said i would leave without the so i rose up and made straight for the door as i supposed and suddenly confronted my dim image in the unbroken mirror it startled the breath out of me for an instant it also showed me that i was lost and had no sort of idea where i was when i realized this i was so angry that i had to sit down on the floor and take hold of something to keep from lifting the roof off with an explosion of opinion if there had been only one mirror it might possibly have helped to me but there were two and two were as bad as a thousand besides these were on opposite sides of the room i could see the dim of the windows but in my turned around condition they	34
non not have the right to vote which would deprive of the a large body of citizens who at all the with great and he thought the of women from some duties required of men by the state fairly the loss of the in their case and that we were prepared to send ladies to battle we ought not to oblige them to go to the some ensued between mr and mr on the part of the the latter gentleman that in great of the men and things world s history women had shown as much courage as men and the former that this did not at all affect his position since the courage of women was in high degree a moral courage which was not by the ordinary conditions of peace or war but required the of some extraordinary some vital emergency well what do you object to in all that mrs tossing the paper on the table and him with her head lifted and her hands clasped upon her left side everything it is an insult to women woman you mean i don t think women would mind it who s been talking to you mrs nobody it doesn t matter who s been talking to me that is not the question it s the question i asked mrs it isn t the question asked i wish to know what you mean by that speech i wish you knew how pretty you look in that dress mrs involuntarily glances down at the skirt of it on either side and it a little folding her hands again as before but perhaps you do mrs with dignity will you answer my question certainly i meant what i said mrs oh you did very well then best funny stories when a woman stands by the bedside of her sick child and risks her life from what kind of courage do you call that moral mrs and when she remains in a burning building or a sinking ship as they often do and while her child is saved what kind of courage is it moral mrs when she an axe and her little ones against a bear or a wolf that s just bursting in the cabin door what kind of courage does she show moral mrs or when her babe up the track and she it from the very jaws of the cow oh hold on now be fair it s the engineer who does that he runs along the side of the and catches the smiling infant up and lays it in the mother s arms as the train by his name is usually the mother is always with terror mrs of course she is but in those other cases how does her courage differ from a man s if hers is always moral what kind of courage does a man show when he faces the cannon come are you trying to prove that women are than men men and things weu they are i never was in any danger yet that i didn t wish i was a woman then i should have the courage to face it or else i could turn and run without disgrace all that i said in that speech was that women haven t so much nerve as men mrs they have more nerves yes mrs no nerve take dr gay that little slender delicate sensitive thing what do you suppose she went through when she was studying medicine and walking the and all those disgusting things and mrs j do you mean to say that she has no nerve facing all sorts of on the platform everywhere or rev lily living down all that ridicule and going quietly on in her work oh they ve been talking to you mrs they have not and if they have dr gay is as much opposed to as you are as if aren t you opposed to it too mrs of se i am or i was till you made that speech it wasn t exactly intended to convert you mrs it has placed me in a false position everybody knows or the same as knows that we re engaged best funny stories well not ashamed of it mrs severely no matter and now it will look as if i had no ideas of my own and was just swayed about any way by you a woman is that with men in women who s been saying that mrs no one it doesn t matter who s been saying it mrs has been saying it mrs mrs yes mrs that you re always and admiring so for her good sense and her right ideas didn t you say she wrote as and forcibly as a man yes i did mrs very well then she says that if anything could turn her in favor of it is that speech of yours she says it s a subtle attack upon the whole sex well i give it up you are all alike you take everything personally in the first place and then you say it s an attack on all women t i make this right by a card to acknowledge your physical courage before the whole then your friends would have to say that i had recognized the pluck of universal womanhood mrs no sir you can t make it right now and i m sorry sorry sorry i signed the anti petition nothing will ever teach men and things men to appreciate women till women practically assert themselves that sounds very much like another quotation mrs and they must expect to be treated as till they show themselves heroes and they must first of all have the oh mrs yes then and not till then men will acknowledge their equality in all that is admirable in both then there will be no more insolence about moral courage and vital to	34
it i don t see the steps to this conclusion but the master mind of mrs j reaches conclusions at a bound mrs it wasn t mrs oh well rev lily then you needn t tell me you originated that stuff but i submit for the present think it over my dear and when i come back to morrow mrs perhaps you had better not come back to morrow why mrs because because i m afraid we are not in sympathy because if you thought that i needed some vital emergency to make me show that i was ready to die for you any moment die for me i want you to live for me best funny stories mrs and the emergency never came you would despise me never mrs if you have such a low of women generally i a low opinion of women mrs you said they were i didn t say they were and if i seemed to say so it was my misfortune i honestly and truly think that when a women is roused she isn t afraid of anything in heaven or on he stops abruptly and looks towards the corner of the room mrs what is it oh nothing i thought i saw a mouse mrs a mouse she herself upon him and him with energy then suddenly him she leaps upon a chair and over to hold her train from the floor oh drive it out drive it out don t kill it oh e e e e drive it out oh what shall i do oh love jump on a chair oh horrid little dreadful oh drive it out in uttering these appeals mrs alternately her hold upon her train in order to clasp her face in her hands and then her face to seize her train oh is it gone come here and let me hold your hand or no drive it drive it drive it out going about the room in deliberate men and things examination i can t find it i guess it s gone into its hole again mrs no it hasn t it hasn t got any hole here it have come in from somewhere else oh i hope i shall have a little wisdom some time and never never never have cake and wine brought into the drawing room again no matter how faint with walking any one is of course it was the smell of the fruit and attracted it and they might just as well take the horse cars but they said they had walked all the way to get me to sign the petition and when i said i d signed the anti of course i had to offer them something i t do less have you driven it out i ve done my best but i can t find it and i can t drive it out till i do find it mrs it s rim into the fireplace rattle the goes to the fireplace and the against the mrs meanwhile covering her face ow e e e e is it gone she her eyes it never was there mrs yes it was don t tell me it wasn t where else was it if it wasn t there look imder that book table which one mrs that one with the shelf coming down almost to the carpet under it with the as she again hides her face u u u is it gone now best funny stories it wasn t there mrs hard bang against the board bang and there i tell you it never was there mrs her face oh what shall i do it must be somewhere in the room and i never can breathe till youve found it bang again nonsense it s gone long ago do you suppose a mouse of any presence of mind or self respect stay here after all this uproar he the to their stand with a clash mrs to the clash ow advancing towards her and extending his hand come get down now i must be going mrs in horror get down going certainly i can t stay here all day i ve got to follow that mouse out into the street and have him arrested it s a public duty mrs don t throw on it after a moment you know i can t let you go till i ve seen that mouse leave this room go all round and stamp in the comers she covers her face again how are you going to see him leave the room if you won t look he s left long ago t stay if i was a mouse and i ve got to go anyway men and things mrs her face no i beg i command you to stay or i shall never get out of this room alive you know i sha n t a ring at the street door is heard oh dear what shall i do ive told jane i would see anybody that called and now i t step my foot to the floor what shall i do with authority you must get down there s no mouse here i tell you and if people come and find you standing on a chair in your drawing room what will they think mrs i can kneel on it she drops to her knees on the chair there that s no better it s worse mrs listening to the party at the door below which the maid has opened sh i want to make out who it is sh yes it is after listening yes it s mrs miller and and mrs i don t see how they happen to come together for mrs miller and mrs perfectly hate each other oh yes i know they re all on the way to mrs s reception he s showing his pictures and	34
some of her things horrid i don t see how she can have the face and they ve met here by accident sh she s showing them into the yes that s quite right mrs these sentences in a piercing whisper of extreme now as soon as she brings up their cards i ll say i m not at all well that i m engaged just going out no that won t do best funny stories i must be sick anything else would be perfectly insulting after saying that i was at home and jane has got to go back and tell them she forgot that i had gone to bed with a severe headache as jane appears at the drawing room door and at sight of mrs kneeling on her chair that lady her to her frowning shaking her head and pressing her finger on her lip to enforce silence and takes the cards from her while she continues in a whisper yes all right jane go straight back and tell them you forgot i had gone to bed with a perfectly blinding headache and don t let another soul into the house mr camp j bell saw a mouse and i can t get down till he s caught it go ii jane mrs mr then mrs miller mrs mrs i jane after a moment of a mouse in the room here oh my goodness gracious me she leaps upon the chair next to mrs who again springs to her feet mrs did you see it oh e e e e jane w o o o o i don t know where was it oh yes i thought they clutch each other and their cries at the sound of which the ladies in the reception room below come upstairs into the drawing room men and things the ladies at sight of mrs and her servant what is it what is it mrs oh there s a mouse in the room i oh on chairs mrs miller into the middle of the sofa a mouse mrs upon a slight reception chair oh not in this room mrs don t say it mrs with a laugh of mingled terror and enjoyment from the top of the table where she finds herself where is it mrs i don t know i didn t see it but oh it s here somewhere mr saw it and jane did when she came up with your cards and he s been trying to drive it out but he can t even it and desperately ladies there isn t any mouse here i ve been the and all over the room and the mouse is gone you can depend upon that you re as safe here as you would be in your own rooms mrs how can you say such a thing no i won t be responsible if anything happens the mouse is in this room no one has seen it go out and it s here still mrs herself with difficulty on her chair oh dear how it is i m sure it s going to break mrs get up here with me mrs we can protect each other best funny stories mrs miller you both fall off better come here on the sofa mrs mrs the mouse could run up that sofa as easily as the ground mrs miller covering her face oh how can you say such a thing mrs oh i know i m going to fall mrs for shame help her but how how can i help mrs get her another chair oh he a large arm chair towards mrs who leaps into it with a wild cry the reception chair half across the room in her flight mrs oh thank you thank you mr oh i shall always bless you mrs yes you have saved all our lives where there s a man i don t care for a thousand mrs miller oh how very frank mrs yes i m nothing if not surveying her with amusement and interest i don t believe you re very much scared mrs oh yes she is mr she keeps up that way and then the first thing she mrs not on centre tables my dear there isn t room with increasing fascination why men and things don t you get down and set the rest an example of courage mrs i prefer to set the example here it s safer you look like the statue of some goddess on her altar or saint mrs thank you if you will say victim i will agree with you say but the others are too much i draw the line at and saints and you re afraid of too mrs to be sure i am well there is no mouse down here nothing but a miserable man now will you get down mrs mrs don t think of it he s just saying it the mouse is there to you are placing us all in a very ridiculous position i am sorry for that i am indeed i give you my word of honor that i don t there s any mouse in the room mrs jane just saw it she thought she saw it but i don t think she did a lion would have been scared out by this time a ring at the door is heard mrs there jane there s some one ringing you must go to the door jane throwing her apron over her head oh please mrs i can t go i m so afraid of best funny stories mrs nonsense you must go it s perfectly ridiculous your pretending not jane oh i couldn t mrs i was always so from a child i can t bear em mrs this is disgraceful do you mean to say that you won t do what i ask you	34
very well then you can go you needn t stay the week out i will pay you and you can go at once do you understand jane yes i do and i d be glad to go this very minute but i don t dare to get down mrs but why shouldn t you get down there isn t the least danger is there any danger now mr not the least in the world mouse gone long ago mrs there jane i can t help it there are so many in the dining room mrs in my dining room oh my goodness why didn t you tell me before jane and one ran right over my foot rs your foot oh i wonder that you live to tell it why haven t you put traps where s the cat jane the cook s spoiled the cat feeding it so much mrs miller yes that s the worst of they always spoil cats mrs they them mrs miller and then of course the cats men and things are worth nothing as i had a cat the bell sounds again mrs there some one must go why go to the door mrs and leave us here f never how can you propose such a thing if you dare to go i shall die don t think of such a thing jane the cook will go if they keep ringing oh hu hu whenever shall i get out of this mrs stop crying jane be calm you re perfectly safe you may be glad it s no worse sh there s the cook going to the door at last who can it be listen clutching mrs oh wo all the ladies e e e e mrs what s the matter y jane let me go the matter jane oh i thought i was falling right down in among it mrs calling up from what in the world is it oh my prophetic soul my sister mrs shouting is that you don t come up don t come up for your life don t come up unless you wish to perish instantly oh it s dreadful your coming now keep away go right straight out of the house you wish to fling your life away o best funny stories the other ladies don t come don t come keep away it will do no good ill mrs and the others mrs mounting the stairs as if to her doom by an irresistible fascination not come keep away who s talking what is it oh what is it as she reaches the stair landing space before the drawing room and looks in where stands in the middle of the floor with his hands in his pockets and despair in his face you here what are you doing what is it her eye to tlie ladies trembling in their several and a dawning apprehension makes itself seen in her face what is oh it is it isn t it isn t a mouse oh oh how you let me come right into the room with it oh i never can forgive you i thought it was somebody getting killed oh why didn t you tell me it was a mouse she on the piano stool and keeps it from rocking by staying herself with one hand on the piano top now look here mrs hush don t speak to me you unnatural cruel heartless why did you let me come in i wonder at you men and things i if you had been half the brother you ought to be oh dear r i know how you will go away and laugh now and tell everybody i suppose you think it that silly speech of yours before the committee that s all your best friends so and that i ve been talking myself perfectly dumb defending you about mrs unconsciously gives a push for emphasis and the stool with her e e e e oh how can you have one of these old fashioned horrid whirling things fit for nothing but boarding house mrs with just i m very sorry you don t my piano stool i keep it because it was my poor mother s but if you ll give me due notice another time i ll try to have a different mrs bursting into tears oh don t say another word dear i m so ashamed of myself that i can hardly breathe now and i m ashamed of you too get down off that stool and behave yourself like a sensible woman he goes towards her as if to lift her down the mouse is gone long ago and if it was here it wouldn t bite you mrs him with one hand while she to the piano with the other bite do you suppose i care for a mouse s biting i wouldn t care for the bite of an elephant it s the idea can t you the other ladies oh yes it s the idea best funny stories mrs yes i told him in the first place that it was the idea of a mouse mrs it s the innate it s the enmity put between the mouse that tempted eve and the woman mrs don t be don t for your own sake mrs yes it s very easy to make fun of the bible mrs or woman and the wit is equally contemptible in either case mrs miller other animals feel about just as we do i was reading only the other day of an elephant your mentioning an elephant reminded me of it mrs mrs oh the other ladies e e e e mrs what is it mrs nothing i thought i was going to fall go on mrs miller mrs miller oh it s merely that the elephant was asleep and	34
a mouse ran up its trunk all the ladies horrors mrs miller and the poor creature sprang up in the greatest alarm and till it woke the whole it simply shows that it isn t because women are nervously constituted that they re afraid of for the nervous of an elephant mrs the first time i went to europe i found a mouse in one of my trunks it was a men and things steamer trunk that you push under the berth and i ve perfectly them ever since mrs once in a farm house where we were staying the summer a mouse ran right across the table all the ladies oh mrs one morning i found one in the bath tub all the ladies oh mrs mrs we d heard it round all night it was stone dead all the ladies hideous why bless my soul if the mouse was dead mrs then it was ten times as bad as if it was alive can t you understand it s the idea but oh don t let s talk of it any more ladies let s talk of something else are you going to mrs s mrs i ve been nearly everybody s coming away mrs miller why what time is it mrs mrs i don t know looking at his watch it s ten minutes of six and i ve missed my appointment mrs and if we don t go now we shall miss the reception mrs papa was very particular i should go because he couldn t mrs miller we must go at once best funny stories mrs oh i m so sorry jane go down with the ladies jane oh please mrs mrs miller but how are we to go we are imprisoned here we cannot get away you must do something mrs it is your house mrs you are responsible mrs but what can i do i can t get down myself and if i did what good would it do mrs for shame to laugh i wasn t laughing i was merely smiling aloud mrs it s the same thing you ought to think of something mrs oh yes do think of something for my for goodness sake and i will always thank you you re so ingenious well in the first place i don t believe there s any mouse in the room mrs that is nonsense jane saw it is that all your ingenuity to mrs have an idea mrs oh how like you mrs not at all it s the simplest thing in the world it s the only way and no thanks to either all the ladies well well well mrs it s just this all make a rush men and things one after another and the rest scream and must keep beating the floor mrs how perfectly magnificent well you have got your wits about you it is the very thing now mrs if you will jump down and make a rush mrs it s for you to make the rush first mrs you are the hostess mrs yes but i m not going don t you see i ve sent my card to mrs mrs then mrs miller will you please mrs miller mrs is nearest the door i think she will wish to start first mrs no i will wait for the rest mrs that is a good idea they ought to all rush together not one after another don t you think so mrs yes that was what i meant and we ought to all scream just before they start so as to scare it mrs oh how capital you have got a brain now i begin to believe we shall live through it and mr ought to beat the floor first t he i haven t got anything to beat it with he looks about the room but i can go down and get my cane all no best funny stories mrs jane will go down and get it for you jane oh i couldn t mrs perhaps the but it would spoil your carpet mrs no matter for the carpet you can beat it into gets the and beats the carpet in different places harder beat harder mrs you re not beating at all you re just wildly the carpet mrs there that is something now scream scream mrs mrs miller scream please au e e e e mrs but nobody started mrs i didn t believe the rest would start and so didn t mrs miller i was sure no one else would start mrs so was i mrs we must have faith in one another or else the plan s a failure now all scream they scream mrs e e e e keep beating the carpet hard hard hard the other ladies all leap down from their and rush screaming out of the drawing room followed by jane with a that itself into the depths of the after the retreating and hysterical men and things laughter of the ladies have died out of the street door oh wasn t it splendid it was a perfect success iv mrs mr leaning on his and panting with exhaustion they got out mrs and it was all s idea why is gone too yes is gone i think it was a of hers to save her own life she s quite capable of it mrs with justice no i don t think that she was just carried away by the excitement of the moment at any rate she s gone and now don t you think you d better get down mrs in astonishment get down why you must be crazy how can i get down if it s still there what mrs the mouse but it isn t there my dear you saw for yourself that it wasn t there mrs did you see it	34
nm out no but mrs very well then it s there still of course it is i wouldn t get down for worlds best funny stories oh good heavens do you expect to spend the rest of life up there in that chair mrs i don t know i shall not get down till i see that mouse leave this room desperately well then i must make a clean breast of it there never was any mouse here mrs what do you mean i mean that when we were talking arguing about the physical courage of women i thought i would try a mouse it s succeeded only too well i ll never try another mrs and could you really be guilty of such a cruel yes mrs i was mrs deception it was vile i know but i did it mrs i don t believe it no rather than believe that of you i would believe there were a million in the room indeed mrs no if you could deceive me then you can deceive me now if you could say there was a mouse in the room when there wasn t you are quite capable of saying there isn t when there is you are just saying it now to get me to get down upon my honor i m not men and things mrs oh don t talk to me of honor the honor of a man who yes in the terrors of helpless women no no i d no idea of it mrs you will please not address me in that way mr you have all right to do so i know it what i did was very foolish and thoughtless mrs it was very low and i suppose you will go away and laugh over it with your associates why not say my at once no i assure you that unless you tell of the affair nobody shall ever hear of it from me it s too disastrous a victory i m by my own caught in my own mouse trap there is such a thing as succeeding too well mrs i should think you would be ashamed of it suppose you have shown that women are nervous and does that prove anything nothing in the world mrs likely some of us will be sick from it i dare say you think that would be another argument i shouldn t in it mrs i don t know when i shall ever get over it myself i have had a dreadful shock i m sorry with all my heart i am best funny stories indeed i had no conception that you cared so much for despised them so much mrs oh yes laugh do it s quite in character but if you have such a contempt for women of course you wouldn t want to marry one yes i should my dear but only one mrs very well then you can find some other one all is over between us yes i will send you back the precious gifts you have upon me and i will thank you for mine a man who can turn the sex that his mother and sister belong to into ridicule can have no real love for his wife i am glad that i you out in time do you really mean it mrs yes i mean it and i hope it will be a lesson to you if you find any other poor silly trusting creature that you can impose yourself upon for a gentleman as you have upon me i advise you to reserve your low vulgar boyish tricks till after she is helplessly yours or she may tear your hateful ring from her finger and fling it she attempts to pull a ring from her finger but it will not come off never mind i will get it off with a little and then oh no my dear come i can allow for your excitement but i can t stand everything though i admit everything when a man has said he s played a silly part he doesn t like men and things to be told so and as for imposing myself upon you for a gentleman you must take that back mrs i do i take it back there hasn t been any i knew you were not a gentleman very good then i m not fit for a lady s company and i don t deny though you re so hard upon that you re a lady he bows and walks out of the room mrs sending her voice after him in a wail of despair coming back well mrs i can t let you go he runs towards her but she back on her chair against the wall no no hesitating why did you call me back then mrs i i didn t call you back i just said this is unworthy even of you mrs oh do you admit that you have been too severe mrs i don t know what did i say a number of pleasant things that i was a fraud and no gentleman mrs did i say that yes you did mrs i must have been very much best funny stories against you i beg your pardon for being so angry that won t do i don t care how angry you are if you don t call me names you must take them back mrs do you see my handkerchief anywhere about on the carpet looking about and then finding it yes here it is he hands it to her and she forward and takes it from him at arm s length it nervously out of his hand what s the matter mrs oh nothing nothing will you please give me my fan from the table there he and	34
she catches it from him as she has caught the handkerchief thank you keep away please angrily really this is too much k you are afraid of touching me mrs no i don t mind touching you that isn t it but if you stood so near don t you see it might nm up you and jump on to me what might mrs you know the mouse the mouse there is no mouse mrs that s what you said before well it s true there isn t any mouse and there never was mrs there s the idea and that s all i ever cared for well what are you going to do men and things i can t kill the idea of a and i can t drive it out of the room mrs i don t know what i m going to do i suppose i shall die here she presses her handkerchief to her eyes i shall never get out of the room alive then i hope you will be satisfied how can you say such things to me mrs oh i suppose you re fond of me in your contemptuous way i never denied that and i m sorry i m sure if i your feelings by anything i said then you admit that i am a gentleman mrs i didn t say that and i can t be satisfied with less i ll own that i ve been stupid but i haven t been i can t remain you do mrs and do you think threatening me is gentlemanly that isn t the question do you think i m a gentleman mrs you re what the world calls a gentleman yes do you think i m one mrs how can i tell i can t think at all perched up here why don t you get down then mrs you know very well why but you ll have to get down some time you can t stay there always best funny stories mrs why should you care you know i do care you know that i love you dearly and that i can t bear to see you in distress shall i beat the carpet and you scream and make a rush mrs no i haven t the strength for that i should drop in a faint as soon as i touched the floor oh good heavens what am i going to do then mrs i don t know you got me into the trouble i should think you could get me out of it after walking up and down the room there s only one way that i can think of and if we re not engaged any longer it wouldn t do mrs yielding to her curiosity after a moment s hesitation what is it oh unless we re still engaged it s no use proposing it mrs can t you tell me without impossible mrs looking down at her fan well suppose we are still engaged then looking up yes say we are engaged it s to carry you out mrs a little oh do you think that would be very nice yes i think it would we can both scream you know men and things mrs yes and then you fling yourself into my arms mrs yes and i rush out of the room with you mrs with a deep breath i would never do it in the world well then you must stay where you are mrs closing her fan you re not strong enough she puts her handkerchief into her pocket you would be sure to fall she her train in one hand well then look the other way turns his face aside and waits no i can t do it retiring to the other side of the room what shall we do then mrs after reflection i don t know what we shall do but if i were a man well if you were a man mrs don t you think mrs is fascinating she does mrs you must admit she s clever and awfully i don t admit anything of the kind she s always i think she made herself ridiculous standing there on the table mrs fondly oh do you think so you are very severe best funny stories come now what has all this got to do with it mrs nothing but if i were a man weu mrs well in the first place i wouldn t have got you wrought up so well but if you had suppose you had done all that i ve done and that i was up there in your place standing on a chair and wouldn t let you leave the room and wouldn t get down and walk out and wouldn t allow myself to be carried what should you do mrs who has been regarding him attentively over the top of her fan which she holds pressed against her face why i suppose if you wouldn t let me help you willingly i should use violence you witch as he makes a wild rush upon her the curtain which in the plays of this author has a strict regard for the abruptly a fatal thirst by bill from the london we that ago a case was recorded by dr of in which four hundred and ninety five needles passed through the skin of a hysterical girl who had probably swallowed them during a hysterical but these all emerged from the regions below the and were collected in groups which gave rise to of some size one of these contained one hundred needles quite recently dr bigger described before the society of of a case in which more than three hundred needles were removed from the body of a woman it is very remarkable in how few cases the needles were the cause of death and how slight an interference with	34
function their presence and movement cause it would seem from the cases on record that needles in the system assist in the and promote for instance we will suppose that the hysterical girl above alluded to with four hundred and ninety five needles in her stomach should best funny stories the think how interesting those needles would make it for the great we can imagine the cheerful smile of the as it enters the stomach and bowing cheerfully to the standing hangs its hat upon the walls of the stomach stands its umbrella in a comer and proceeds to get in its work all at once the looks surprised and grieved about something it stops in its generation and a rusty needle out of its person by the pain it once more attacks the apparatus and once more a choice job lot of needles again and again it enters into the contest each time losing ground and gaining till the poor with sticking out in all directions like the hair on a cat s tail at last curls up like a and up the victory still this needle business will be expensive to husbands if wives once acquire the habit and allow it to obtain the mastery over them if a wife once this demon appetite for needles to get control of the house it will soon secure a majority in the and then there will be trouble the woman who once begins to with needles is not safe she may think that she has power to control her appetite but it is only a step to the thirst for the soul for men and things destroying needle and perhaps to the button hook and carpet it is safer and better to crush the first desire for needles than when it is too late to undertake from the abject slavery to this thirst we once knew a sweet young creature with eye and breath like hay her merry laugh out upon the air like the joyful music of bald headed everybody loved her and she loved everybody too but in a thoughtless moment she swallowed a needle this did not satisfy her the cruel had begun whenever she felt depressed and gloomy there was nothing that kill her and melancholy but the fatal needle cushion from this she rapidly became more reckless till there was hardly an hour that she was not the influence of needles if she couldn t get needles to her mad thirst she take hair pins or door keys she gradually away to a mere skeleton she could no longer sit on one foot and be happy life for her was filled with gloom and sadness at last she took an of and monkey one day and on the following morning her soul had lit out for the land of eternal summer we should learn from this to the needle cushion as we would a and never tell a lie f women s rights by ward i my tent in a small town in one day last while i was at the money a of ladies came up they members of the female s s and me if go in without not exactly i but you can pay without goin in dew you know who we air said one of the a tall and with a blew her arm do you know who we air sur my is i from a view that you air females we air sur said the woman we belong to a society has rites in her to her proper she is with as much as man is she is trampled on and who will resist th forever the of proud men men and things loi her discourse the female me by the coat was swinging her wildly over my head i hope i starting back that your is honorable i m a lone man hear in a strange place besides a wife to hum yes cried the female she s a slave doth she never dream of freedom doth she never think of of the yoke of for herself doth she never think of these here things not bein a bom fool i by this time a little i kin safely say that she oh screamed the female swinging her in the air o what is the price that woman pays for her i don t know i the price of my show is fifteen cents can t our go in free asked the female not if i know it i man she cried bust into won t you let my in of the taken me by the hand o please let my in s a sweet child of let her roared i as mad as i stick at their nonsense let her i i best funny stories where upon they all sprung back with the that i was a my female friends i be you i ve a few remarks to remark wa them well the female woman is one of the greatest of which this land can it s to get along without her had there bin no female in the world i should scarcely be here with my show on this very she is good in sickness good in good all the time o woman woman i cried my worked up to a hi pitch you air a angle when you behave yourself but when you take off your proper get into when you desert your with you full of s rites go like lions whom you may in short when you to play the man you play the devil and air an emphatic my female friends i continued as they were indignantly wa well what a ward has marriage and politics by p peter i see said mr that wan iv new york says a man in	34
t to be oh does he said mr well tis little he knows about it a man in has got to be if he ain t where he go f r another kind iv an where he find people to support an man don t get along in because he don t need th money he s in th middle iv a ry with maybe or thirty iv th opposite party on top iv him thinks he to what s th good f r a job they se no wan on me f r support an he but a man says what happen to me wife an twelve small if i don t win out here to day an he his way to th top iv th pile an breaks open th box f r home and fireside that s th iv it ye u find all th big held be men an all th be th reason th new york thinks best funny stories men t to be in is he thinks is an so it is but it ain t they don t give ye a with ye er name on it f r a on bein tis a like f r a or a ye see an at that was as good as a th best ball team is beat be a bad team a that on beer an cheese can lam the head off a that s been bread an f r six months an th that blows th on th f r what wan throw him can cut the figure eight around that s been lessons f r year no sir ain t into tea an it ain t a saw or a garden in a back yard tis up at six o clock in th an r off to an home at night tired an dusty double wages f r an so a man s got to be to do it well he s got to have a wife at home to make him if he comes in he s got to have little that he can t to th ladies academy he a box properly an he s got to have a desire f r to live in th an be seen down town in an open men and things with his wife beside him a r red if he hasn t these things he won t succeed in or pork ye see a big man in that hard did ye ye never will an that s because they re all th s but fear is th most domestic men in th ar re an they always marry early an that s th sad part iv it a always above his own station that s wan sign that he ll be a successful th is th good woman stays planted just where she was an he goes by like a fast by a station d ye mind o him that s a retired now him that was an an state f r wan term well i first knew o he down on a railroad section th at wan fifty a day he was a yoimg fellow with a stiff punch an a brain an wan see that he was to go to th fr th aristocracy iv th camp was mrs th lady that kept th house aristocracy is like estate a iv i m aristocracy to th poor o back in th alley th agent s aristocracy to me his is aristocracy to him an so it goes up to the of he s th pick iv th bunch th high man iv all th pope not io best funny stories goin in society well mrs was aristocracy to o he see such a woman as she was she turned out iv a in her horse an he d think to if i can win that i m settled f r life an iv he did twas a iv th guests didn t show up at f r weeks o done well an she was a good wife to him she made money an kept him an started him for he won out bein a man thin she got him to r run f r an ye ve seen her th night he was be she looked like a fire in a fair covered with an watches an chains she was cut out to be an s wife and it was worth goin miles to watch her th march at th ar road an corps ball but there she stopped a good woman an a kind wan she t go th distance she had th house an th to care f r an her was through with they isn t much a woman can learn she begins to raise a ly but with o twas rent i say twas rent with o ye talk about ye er but is th poor man s college a la ad without enough book to r read a meal ticket if ye give him tin years iv life has th air iv a states men and things man an th manner iv a an take job fr m bank to r th iv th united states his business brings him up again th best men iv th com an their customs an ways iv an an sticks to him th good woman is at home all day th on y people she sees is th an th neighbors while th good man in a swallow tail coat is th commercial club on what we do f r to reform she s th price iv with th s wife an over th back to the thin o moves up on th he knows he ll get along all r right on th th men say they se a good deal of rugged common in that o he may be a robber but they s mighty little	34
that escapes but no wan speaks to mrs o no wan her opinion about our foreign policy she sets day in an day out behind th curtains iv her three story that some wan come in an see her an if wan comes she s frozen with fear an tis on y she slips out to ar r road an finds th s wife an sets in th kitchen over a cup iv that peace comes to her by an by they offer o th f r he knows he s fit for it he s thin th young lawyer they have now people listen to him in wash as they do in he io best funny stories says i ll take it an thin he thinks iv th wife an they s no wash f r him his career is over he have been if he hadn t but he might have been if he was a mrs o was in to see th th other day ye be very happy in ye er house with mr o so well says mrs an th on y answer th foolish woman give was to break down an weep on mrs s neck yet ye say a t to get said mr up to a certain point said mr he must be that well i on y say that though is a career f r a man tis a tough wan f r his wife little breeches by john hay i don t go much on religion i never ain t had no show but i ve got a tight grip sir on the o things i know i don t pan out on the and free will and that sort of but i b in god and the angels ever one night last spring i come into town with some and my little come along no four year old in the county could beat him for pretty and strong and and always ready to swear and fight and i d him to jest to keep his milk teeth white the snow come down like a blanket as i passed by s store i went in for a of and left the team at the door no best funny stories they scared at something and started i heard one little and hell to split over the went team little breeches and all hell to split over the i was almost with but we up some and for em far and near at last we struck horses and wagon under a soft white mound dead beat but of little nor hide nor hair was found and here all hope on me of my fellow s aid i jest down on my bones deep in the snow and prayed by this the was played out and me and went off for some wood to a that he said was we it at last and a little shed where they shut up the at night we looked in and seen them huddled so warm and sleepy and white little breeches men and things m and little breeches and as as ever you see i want a of and that s what s the matter of me how did he angels he could never have walked in that storm they jest down and him to it was safe and warm and i think that saving a little child and bringing him to his own is a sight better business than the throne s clerk by george w cable it was some two or three days after the interview just related that the of the found it necessary to ask a friend to sit in the shop a few minutes while he should go on a short errand on his return to the shop his friend remarked that if he received many such visitors as the one who had called during his absence he might be permitted to be vain it was honor and he had left no message said his friend it would pay you to employ a regular assistant joseph was in an abstracted mood i have some thought of doing so unlucky slip as he pushed open his door next morning what was his dismay to find himself confronted by some forty men five of them leaped up from the door sill and some thirty five from the edge of the brushed that part of their wearing apparel which always fits with great neatness on a and into the shop the fell behind his men and things that is to say his desk and explained to them in a short and spirited address that he did not wish to employ any of them on any terms nine of them understood not a word of english but his gesture was they bowed gratefully and said good day now did these young men an injustice and though they were far from letting him know it some of them felt it and expressions of feeling to him as they stopped on the next comer to watch a man painting a sign he had treated them as if they all wanted situations was this so far from it only twenty men were the other twenty were friends who had come to see them get the place and again though as the had said none of them knew anything about the business no nor about any other business imder the heavens they were willing that he should teach them except one a young man of softness and costly apparel a moment after the general and quickly concluded that on s it was probably as well that he could not since he was expecting from france an important government appointment as soon as these troubles should be settled and restored to her former happy condition but he had a friend a cousin whom he would recommend just	34
details were arranged on the spot dismissed the black boy took off his coat and fell to work something with the understanding that his salary a one should begin from date if his cousin should recommend him he called from under the counter later in the day you t ink it would be disgrace to paint de of a certainly not ah my soul what a i could paint of we have the in if nothing else one of mr ward s business letters by ward to the editor of the sir i m along slowly along down your place i want you should me a letter saying how is the show in your place my show at present consists of three moral a a little make you yourself to to see the little jump up and wax of g washington gen john and dr in the act of dr besides several moral wax of celebrated c by few by none now mr editor scratch a few lines how is the show down to your place i shall hav my at your depend upon it i want you should my up in also up a in paper my show we must fetch the public we must on their s the moral on em strong if it s a community tell best funny stories em i the pledge fifteen bom but on the ef people take their say ward is as a as ever we met full of the life an sole of the bored take don t you if you say my show say my is as as the new bom babe what a study it is to see a like a snake imder perfect my is the most little i ever saw all for cents i am to your i in regard to them that i shall em struck up to your office my sentiments agree with exactly i know they do i never saw a man didn t a ward p s you scratch my back he scratch back european diet by mark twain a man accustomed to american food and american domestic would not starve to death suddenly in europe but i think he would gradually waste away and eventually die he would have to do without his accustomed morning meal that is too formidable a change altogether he would necessarily suffer from it he could get the shadow the sham the base of that meal but that would do him no good and money could not buy the reality to the average american s simplest and commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and well in europe coffee is an unknown you can get what the european hotel keeper thinks is coffee but it the real thing as it is a feeble sort of stuff and almost as as if it had been made in an american hotel the milk for it is what the french call christian milk milk which has been after a few months acquaintance with best funny stories coffee one s mind and his faith with it and he begins to wonder if the rich of home with its of yellow cream on top of it is not a mere dream after all and a thing which never existed next comes the bread fair enough good enough after a fashion but cold cold and tough and and never any change never any variety always the same tiresome thing next the butter the sham and butter no salt in it and made of goodness knows what then there is the they have it in europe but they don t know how to cook it neither will they cut it right it comes on the table in a small round it lies in the centre of this in a bed of soaked potatoes it is the size shape and thickness of a man s hand with the thumb and fingers cut off it is a little is rather dry it tastes pretty it no enthusiasm imagine a poor exile contemplating that thing and imagine an angel suddenly sweeping down out of a better land and setting before him a mighty an inch and a half thick hot and from the with fragrant enriched with little melting bits of butter of the most freshness and the precious of men and things the meat out and joining the with a or two of tender fat an district of this ample of the long white bone which the from the still in its place and imagine that the angel also adds a great cup of american home made coffee with the cream a on top some real butter firm and yellow and fresh some smoking hot a plate of hot cakes with transparent could words describe the gratitude of this exile the european dinner is better than the european breakfast but it has its faults and it does not satisfy he comes to the table eager and hungry he his soup there is an lack about it somewhere thinks the fish is going to be the thing he wants eats it and isn t sure thinks the next dish is perhaps the one that will hit the hungry place tries it and is conscious that there was a something wanting about it also and thus he goes on from dish to dish like a boy after a butterfly which just getting caught every time it but somehow doesn t get caught after all and at the end the exile and the boy have about alike the one is full but the other has had plenty of exercise plenty of interest and a fine lot of hopes but he hasn t got any butterfly there is here and there an american who will say he can best funny stories ber rising from a european table d perfectly satisfied but we must not overlook the fact	34
that there is also here and there an american who will lie the number of dishes is sufficient but then it is such a monotonous variety of dishes it is an dead level of fair there is nothing to accent it perhaps if the roast of mutton or of beef a big generous one were brought on the table and carved in full view of the that might give the right sense of earnestness and reality to the thing but they don t do that they pass the meat around on a dish and so you are perfectly calm it does not stir you in the least now a vast roast turkey stretched on the broad of his back with his heels in the air and the rich from his fat sides but i may as well stop there for they would not know how to cook him they can t even cook a chicken and as for carving it they do that with a this is about the customary table d bill in summer soup fish sole salmon or usually tolerably good roast mutton or beef and some last year s potatoes a or some other made dish usually good considering a french cook men and things one vegetable brought on in state and all alone usually or string beans or indifferent roast chicken as as paper tolerably good decayed or sometimes the and are fresh but this is no advantage as these fruits are of no account the grapes are generally good and sometimes there is a tolerably good by mistake the variations of the above bill are trifling after a fortnight one that the variations are only apparent not real in the third week you get what you had the first and in the fourth week you get what you had the second three or four months of this weary will kill the appetite it has now been many months at the present writing since i have had a meal but i shall soon have one a modest private affair all to myself i have selected a few dishes and made out a little bill of fare which will go home in the steamer that me and be hot when i arrive as follows baked apples with cream american coffee with real cream american butter boston bacon and beans bacon and southern style boiled best funny stories chicken southern style a potatoes chicken american style hot southern style hot wheat bread southern style hot cakes american toast clear virginia bacon blue points on the half shell cherry stone san o ter soup soup soup in northern style soft shell perch brook from lake from sheep s head and from new black bass from the american roast beef roast turkey style roast wild turkey canvas back duck from from butter beans sweet potatoes string beans potatoes boiled potatoes in skins new potatoes the skins early rose potatoes in the ashes southern style served hot with sugar or green com cut from the ear and served with butter and green com on the ear hot com with southern style hot cake southern style hot egg bread southern style hot light bread southern style sweet milk apple with real cream apple pie apple apple southern style southern style pie american pie pie pie all sorts of american fresh american fruits of all sorts including which are not to be out as if they were but in a more liberal way ice water not prepared in the ineffectual but in the sincere and capable men and things americans intending to spend a year or so in european hotels will do well to copy this bill and carry it along they will find it an excellent thing to get up an appetite with in the presence of the table d how we astonished the river by thomas sailor ben s arrival partly drove the new project from my brain besides there was just then a certain movement on foot by the club which helped to my attention took the captain s observing that he thought from the first the governor wouldn t let me go i don t think was quite honest in that but to the subject in hand among the few changes that had taken place in during the past twenty years there is one which i regret i lament the removal of all those iron cannon which used to do duty as posts at the comers of streets leading from the river they were ornamental each set upon end with a solid shot into its mouth and gave to that part of the town a very poorly for by the conventional wooden that have them men and things these guns old the boys called them had their story like everything else in when that everlasting last war the war of mean came to an end all the and fitted out at this port as were as eager to get rid of their useless twelve and as they had previously been to obtain them many of the pieces had cost large sums and now they were little better than so much crude iron not so good in fact for they were clumsy things to break up and melt over the government didn t want them private citizens didn t want them they were a in the market but there was one man ridiculous beyond his generation who got it into his head that a fortune was to be made out of these same guns to buy them all to hold on to them until war was declared again as he had no doubt it would be in a few months and then sell out at prices this was the daring idea that the of dealer in e w i goods and as the faded sign over his shop door informed the	34
at the appointed place pausing a moment for my heart to stop i lighted the match and it with both hands until it was well under way and then dropped the blazing on the slender thread of a noiseless flash instantly followed and all was dark again i peeped through the in the fence and saw the main out sparks like a assured that the train had not failed i took to my heels fearful lest the might bum more rapidly than we calculated and cause an explosion before i could get home this luckily did not happen there s a special providence that watches over drunken men and boys i the ceremony of by plunging into bed jacket boots and all i am not sure i took off my cap but i know that i had hardly pulled the over me when boom sounded the first gun of s battery i lay as still as a mouse in less than two minutes there was another burst of thunder and men and things then another the third was a tremendous fellow and fairly shook the house the town was waking up windows were thrown open here and there and people called to one another across the streets asking what that firing was for boom went gun number four i sprang out of bed and tore off my jacket for i heard the captain feeling his way along the wall to my chamber i was half by the time he found the of the door i say sir i cried do you hear those not being deaf i do said the captain a little any reflection on his hearing always him but what on earth they are for i can t conceive you had better get up and dress yourself i m nearly dressed sir boom boom two of the guns had gone off together the door of miss s bedroom opened hastily and that pink of propriety stepped out into the hall in her night gown the only thing i ever knew her to do she held a lighted candle in her hand and looked like a very aged lady oh dan el this is dreadful what do you suppose it means i really can t suppose said the captain rubbing his ear but i guess it s over now boom said s battery best funny stories was wide awake now and half the male population were in the streets running different ways for the firing seemed to proceed from opposite points of the town everybody everybody else with questions but as no one knew what was the occasion of the tumult people who were not usually nervous began to be oppressed by the mystery some thought the town was being some thought the world was coming to an end as the pious and ingenious mr miller had predicted it would but those who couldn t form any theory whatever were the most perplexed in the mean while s battery away at regular intervals the greatest confusion reigned everywhere by this time people with rushed hither and thither the town watch had turned out to a man and marched off in admirable order in the wrong direction discovering their mistake they their steps and got down to the wharf just as the last cannon forth its lightning a dense cloud of smoke floated over anchor lane the two or three hundred people in various stages of excitement crowded about the upper end of the wharf not liking to advance farther until they were satisfied that the were over a board was here and there blown from the fence and through the thus afforded a few of the more daring spirits at length ventured to crawl men and things the cause of the soon a suspicion that they had been sold on the many were exceedingly indignant and declared that no penalty was severe enough for those concerned in such a others and these were the very people who had been terrified nearly out of their wits had the assurance to laugh saying that they knew all along it was only a trick the town watch boldly took possession of the ground and the crowd began to knots of lingered here and there near the place indulging in vain as to who the invisible could be there was no more noise that night but many a timid person lay awake expecting a renewal of the mysterious the oldest refused to go to bed on any terms but persisted in sitting up in a rocking chair with his hat and on until daybreak i thought i should never get to sleep the moment i drifted off in a i fell to laughing and woke myself up but towards morning slumber overtook me and i had a series of disagreeable dreams in one of which i was waited upon by the ghost of with an bill for the use of his guns in another i was dragged before a court martial and by sailor ben in a wig and three cocked hat to be shot to death by s battery a sentence which sailor best funny stories ben was about to execute with his own i when i suddenly opened my eyes and sunshine lying pleasantly across my face you i was glad that unaccountable fascination which the guilty to about the spot crime was committed drew me down to wharf as soon as i was dressed ad jack and others of the already there examining with a mingled fe of curiosity and apprehension the ac by the battery the fence was badly shattered and the up for several yards the where the guns formerly lay formerly lay now they were scattered every which there was scarcely a that hadn t t here was one open from to br and there was another with its mouth b into the shape of a trumpet three of	34
the had disappeared bodily but on looking edge of the wharf we saw them standing or in the tide mud they had in their excitement i tell you what fellows whispered it is lucky we didn t try to touch off with they d have blown us a the destruction of s battery was unfortunately the only catastrophe a of e of the cannon ha carried men and things s chimney of sailor ben s cabin he was at first but having prepared the himself he didn t dare complain openly i d have taken a in the blessed said the admiral gazing at the smashed chimney if i had known as how the flag ship was to be under fire the next day he out an iron which being in sections could be detached and taken in at a moment s notice on the whole i think he was resigned to the of his brick chimney the stove pipe was a great deal more ship shape the town was not so easily appeased the determined to make an example of the guilty parties and offered a reward for their arrest holding out a promise of pardon to any one of the who would information against the rest but there were no faint hearts among the suspicion rested for a while on several persons on the soldiers at the fort on a crazy fellow known about town as bottle nose and at last on sailor ben shiver my cried the deeply injured individual do you suppose sir as i have lived to sixty years an ain t got no more sense than to go for to blaze away at my own upper it doesn t stand to reason it certainly did not seem probable that mr would knock over his own chimney and lawyer who had the case i ill best funny stories in hand bowed himself out of the cabin convinced that the right man ha been discovered people living by the sea are always mc less superstitious stories of ship mysterious that vessels out of course and wreck them on among the stock legends of not a few people in the town were ready tribute the firing of those to some i natural agency the oldest re that when he was a boy a dim of to in the one noon fired off a single gun that didn t any report and then to nothing r mast and like a piece of burned paper the authorities however were of the that human hands had something to do wit explosion and they resorted to deep laid s gems to get hold of the said hands one of traps came very near catching us they ar caused an old brass field piece to be left wharf near the scene of our late opera nothing in the world but the lack of mon buy powder saved us from falling into the of the two who lay for a in a neighboring sail it was many a day before the midnight ceased to be the town talk the was so audacious and on so grand a scale f nobody thought for an instant of men and things lads with it suspicion at length grew weary of lighting on the wrong person and as conjecture like the in the was in vain the gave up the idea of finding out who had astonished them they never did find out and n ever will unless they read this history if the are still disposed to punish the i can supply lawyer with evidence enough to and the other honorable members of the club but really i don t think it would pay now s by george h dr was never regularly a physician or but he possessed na ly a strong mechanical genius and a fine and finding his teeth of great gratifying the latter he that he could do more good in the world create more real happiness therein by the teeth of its inhabitants in good order in any other way so he was the man that first the method of placing small wheels i back teeth for the more perfect food and he claimed to be the original of that method of filling w kind of which becoming hard causes the tooth to ache so tt has to be pulled thereby giving the successive for the same job was one day seated in his office in the ci boston when a stout old f named presented himself to have a tooth drawn the seated his men and things the chair of torture and opening his mouth discovered there an enormous tooth on the side about as large as he afterwards expressed it as a small bible i shall have trouble with this tooth thought but he clapped on his heaviest and pulled it didn t come then he tried the turn screw his utmost strength but the tooth wouldn t stir gk away from here said to and return in a week and i ll draw that tooth for you or know the reason why got up clapped a handkerchief to his jaw and put forth then the went to work and in three days he invented an instrument which he was confident would pull anything it was a combination of the wheel and inclined plane and screw the were made and the machine put up in the office over an iron chair rendered perfectly stationary by iron rods going down into the foundations of the granite building in a week old returned he was into the iron chair the connected with the machine attached firmly to the tooth and himself in the rear took hold of a four feet in length he turned it slightly old gave a groan and lifted his right leg another turn another groan and up went the leg again what do you raise your leg for asked the doctor i can t	34
him to please the wife so he got into his long suit and with the white and his hair down and rubbed a little scent on himself so as to be as offensive as possible and went down to mingle he gave every one the high up and said he was awfully glad to see her and beamed and nodded and carried on as unnatural as possible it was a flying start his wife stood back her eyes with pleased surprise for a woman always likes to exhibit her husband if he has been trained for the show ring this husband was set on making a full afternoon of it after going to all the trouble of changing clothes and having his hair cut he was there to help entertain the guests if it was in him so he slowly about the room looking for some one who would meet him half way when he spotted the young widow with the and the smile he said to himself that he could do no better for she was the town talk so he put himself alongside of her and began to make observations he had heard that one is permitted a certain latitude with and he went in for the whole degrees instead of telling the widow that the weather had been very of late he whispered to her that every single man in town was ready to marry her at the drop of the hat she hit him twice best funny stories with her fan and began to think he was not such a after all he said that if only he was foot loose probably he would have a little proposition to make to her then he started in to tell her how crazy she had all the fellows he knew she became flushed and said it was terrible to tell her such things and to please go ahead it was a noble effort at entertaining and he did not seem to mind the work they were quite wrapped up in each other with their heads about three quarters of an inch apart so they did not realize that all the women in the room were material for a rich piece of gossip as for the charming hostess who was compelled to witness the brazen performance for twenty minutes she was so red headed that she was tea and lady fingers all over the best table cover when something right into the tiny ear of the widow and she gave him a slap on the elbow the lady of the house let out a quick gasp and it looked for a moment as if she would the hostess had the feminine instinct and she knew that the scandalous going on between her husband and the widow had laid the foundation for more or less guess work she was mad enough to scratch and pull men and things is hair not that she was jealous only a little provoked that was all after all of them had gone and her handkerchief was out and he was being over the coals he waved his arms in despair didn t you want me to report here and be agreeable he demanded i thought i was fine and the widow says she never saw me give a flash of my true form before to day i came here to put in my best at entertaining i think i did it on the level for the widow says i am a bad boy and she has promised me her picture in a whereupon his wife shrieked and over into an arm chair completely out moral only one in a thousand ever strikes the happy medium the fable op the op public comfort and the man in charge by george the stood in his place of business surrounded by hot water bags and a man came in and said he wanted to look at the then he asked if was with an f he looked at the hair whistled a few bars of the spring song and went out a small boy entered and wanted to trade two empty bottles for a piece of root the deal fell through because the bottles had a name blown in the glass a woman came in and said she was waiting for a friend she had the bring her a glass of plain water she said she could not drink water because the gas got up her nose another woman came in for a stamp she did not have any change with her but was going to come in and hand him the two cents some time that is if he was small enough to remember it the next who came in was a man with hardly men and things any chin he wanted a free of liver and an telling the date of the battle of new when the sun rises and sets and why the chicken crossed the road after him there came a man who was in a hurry and wanted to use the he was vexed when he learned that did not have any number he asked the why it was the said he was sorry and would see to it before the man came in again soon after two little girls came on a run and helped themselves to picture cards they left the door open and a boy in stepped in to ask if he could hang a in the window the went back into the and got a large stone he was just ready to beat the life out of the cash register when an elderly gentleman came in with a the stayed the blow and up quite a bit this is where i catch even on the day he said it was no he had to and he did moral don t blame the a visit to the asylum for aged and decayed by having just from a visit to	34
this admirable institution in company with a friend who is one of the we propose giving a short account of what we saw and heard the great success of the asylum for and youth several of the scholars from which have reached considerable distinction one of them being connected with a leading daily paper in this city and others having served in the state and national was the motive which led to the foundation of this excellent charity our late distinguished dow as is well known a large portion of his fortune to this establishment being moved as his will expressed it by the desire of n some institution for the benefit of mankind being consulted as to the rules of the institution and the selection of a he replied that all board must their of op men and things i i let them select anyhow and he should be pleased n e esq was chosen in compliance with this delicate suggestion the for the support of one hundred aged and decayed gentlemen on inquiry if there was no provision for females my friend called my attention to this remarkable fact namely there is no such thing as a female this remark struck me forcibly and on reflection i found that i never knew nor heard of one though i have once or twice heard a woman make a single detached as i have known a hen to crow on arriving at the south gate of the asylum grounds i was about to ring but my friend held my arm and begged me to rap with my stick which i did an old man with a very face presently opened the gate and put out his head so you prefer cane to a bell do you he said and began and at a great rate my friend winked at me you re here still old joe i see he said to the old man yes yes and it s very odd considering how often i ve bolted nights he then threw open the double gates for us to rid through i a best funny stories now said the old man as he pulled the gates after us you ve had a long journey why how is that old joe said my friend don t you see he answered there s the east hinges on one side of the gate and there s the west hinges on t other side we had no sooner got into the yard than a feeble little gentleman with a remarkably bright eye came up to us looking very serious as if something had happened the town has entered a complaint against the asylum as a gambling establishment he said to my friend the what do you mean said my friend why they complain that there s a lot o on the premises he answered pointing to a field of that grain and away his shoulders shaking with laughter as he went on entering the main building we saw the rules and for the asylum posted up i made a few which may be interesting i op verbal exercises each shall be permitted to make freely from eight in the morning until ten at night except during service in the chapel and grace before meals at ten o clock the gas will be turned off and no further or other play men and things on words will be allowed to be uttered or to be uttered aloud inmates who have lost their faculties and cannot any longer make shall be permitted to repeat such as may be selected for them by the out of the work of mr joseph miller violent and who interrupt others when engaged in conversation with or attempts at the same shall be deprived of their joseph and if necessary placed in solitary confinement iii op at meals no shall make any or attempt at the same until the blessing has been asked and the company are decently seated certain having been placed on the index of the institution no shall be allowed to utter them on pain of being the perusal of punch and vanity fair and if repeated deprived of his joseph miller among these are the following allusions to salt when asked to pass the cellar remarks on the inmates being etc etc personal allusions in connection with and attempts upon the word etc etc the following are also excepting to i best funny stories such inmates as may have lost their faculties and cannot any longer make of their own your own hair or a wig it will be long enough etc etc little of its age etc etc also playing upon the following words hospital mayor pitied bread sole etc etc etc see index printed for use of inmates the who went round with us had been a noted in his time and well known in the business world but lost his customers by making too free with their names as in the famous story he set afloat in of to the names of a noted judge an eminent lawyer the secretary of the board of foreign and the well known landlord at one of the four he added was of gigantic magnitude the showed some of his old tendencies as he went round with us do you know he broke out all at once why they don t take in for establishing insane we both confessed ignorance because there are people to be found there he said with a dignified smile he proceeded to introduce us to different in mates the first was a middle aged man who was seated at a table with a s dictionary and a sheet of paper before him men and things well what luck to day mr said the he turned to his notes and read don t you see ers in the words and if he spell leather and feather f isn t there danger	34
that he ll give us a bad spell of weather f besides is a he does not allow u to rest quietly in the mould and again because mr an illustration in his text is that any reason why mr s should one on in their it s what i call a connect a cut trick why is his way of like the floor of an oven because it is under said the that word is on the index i forgot said mr please don t deprive me of vanity fair this one time sir these are all this morning good day gentlemen then to the add you sir the next was a semi looking old man he had a heap of block letters before him and as we came up he pointed without saying a word to the arrangements he had made with them on the table they were evidently and had the merit of the i best funny stories letters of the words employed without addition or here are a few of them times post stop true world dr owl is true read all o th pay o o my i the mention of several new york papers led to two or three questions thus whether the editor of the was h g really if the complexion of his politics were not accounted for by his being an eager person himself whether were not a reduced copy of john whether a new york is not the same thing as a fellow down east at this time a plausible looking bald headed man joined us evidently waiting to take a part in the conversation good morning mr said the anything fresh this morning any nothing of any he answered we had hasty yesterday what has that got to do with asked the i asked the inmates why it was like the prince oh because it comes attended by its sweet said the men and things no said mr it is because the runs after it is failing said the as we moved on the next looked as if he might have been a sailor formerly ask him what his calling was said the followed the sea he replied to the question put by one of us went as mate in a why did you give it up because i didn t like working for two masters he replied presently we came upon a group of elderly persons gathered about a venerable gentleman with flowing locks who was questions to a row of inmates can any give me a motto for m he said nobody responded for two or three minutes at last one old man whom i at once recognized as a of our university held up his hand a cue go to the head of the class said the venerable the successful did as he was told but in a very rough way pushing against two or three of the class how is this said the i best funny stories you told me to go up he replied the old gentlemen who had been about enjoyed the too much to be angry presently the asked again why was m to go to the dances given to the prince the class had to give up this and he answered it himself because every one of his was a it to the ball who the money to the expenses of the last campaign in italy asked the here again the class failed the war cloud s rolling he answered and what is wine made with three or four voices exclaimed at once y here a servant entered and said the old gentlemen who have excellent dispersed at once one of them politely asking us if we would not stop and have a bit of bread and a little of cheese there is one thing i have forgotten to show you said the the cell for the confinement of violent and we were very curious to see it particularly with reference to the alleged absence of every object upon which a play of words could possibly be made men and things the led us up some dark stairs to a corridor then along a narrow passage then down a broad flight of steps into another and opened a large door which looked out on the main entrance we have not seen the cell for the confinement of violent and we both exclaimed this is the he exclaimed pointing to the outside prospect my friend the looked me in the face so good that i had to laugh we like to humor the inmates he said it has a bad effect we find on their health and spirits to disappoint them of their little some of the to which we have listened are not new to me though i dare say you may not have heard them often before the same thing happens in general society with this additional disadvantage that there is no punishment provided for violent and as in our institution we made our bow to the and walked to the place where our carriage was waiting for us on our way an exceedingly old man moved slowly towards us with a perfectly blank look on his face but still appearing as if he wished to speak look said the that is our the ancient man crawled towards us cocked i best funny stories one eye with which he seemed to see a little up at us and said young gentlemen why is a a a like a a a give it up because it s a a a a he smiled a pleasant smile as if it were all plain enough one hundred and seven last christmas said the he lost his answers about the age of ninety eight of late years he puts his whole in blank but they please him just as well	34
were not on hand to welcome the french and we were pained to notice too that the crime de la crime was very represented this amazed as well as pained us best funny stories if cannot pack the at colonel hill s popular prices who by the memory of and re who we ask in all solemnity who can and what amazed us perhaps we should say what shocked us was the exceeding with which the select few of our de la received the superb bits of art which threw out much as an wheel sparks awful exclaimed to her as she came off the stage after the first act of play in russia but in circle it strikes us that was pretty nearly correct but for the date on the play bill we might have that french friends were performing amid the surroundings of the period play said to m le g n and les mis m le g n came right out and told this to distinguished friends in the he said it was a mo but young who once conducted a paris green in and therefore is an accomplished french scholar corrected m le g n by that s was not a mo but a the di applauded the men and things famous a great deal after he had once her in order to make of doing the proper thing he applauded every woman that appeared on the stage and by the time the second act was fairly under way he was able to identify the as he called her by the color of her hair but he remarked to his friend m le later in the evening i don t mind telling you that i don t like her as well as i do and as for this man who s he interrupted m le why he s the man who wrote this piece said the and he doesn t hold a candle to our italian poets and i don t know anything about such things said m le meekly as for myself i like to be amused when i go to a show and i presume i d like this woman very much if i could see her in one of the fine old english such as the bunch of keys or the rag baby now while these two distinguished personages were aware that the play was there were many in the who had not very clear convictions on this point m thomas j the prominent oil whose residence on avenue is the of most society m best funny stories we say sat through three acts without dreaming that the play was i like better in this r e said he to m t one of the of the literary club but my dear fellow said m in a tone of never played that part never played cried m why bless you man i seen her do it right here in this theatre but this isn t said m it s well now i ll bet you fifty it s said m calmly but firmly m covered the and m decided in favor of and i knew i was right exclaimed m triumphantly for i saw it on the programme m was very much put out you don t pronounce that word right he muttered what word demanded m hotly that word said m it s french and it isn t but they fifty dollars on it between them and referred it to m at popular prices it s said m mc but this engagement it s sure men and things so m himself and m went down to his seat in the muttering something that sounded very like a profane and rhyme for but as we have hinted above m was not the only one in the audience who was unsettled as to what the play was and what it was all about throughout the and were sadly to know whether it was or or or or some other from the m james m the prominent told his family that the bill had been changed and that the piece was why no tain t pa protested it s now look here said m sternly i know what i m talking about as we were in i asked one of the men in the entry what the piece was and he said and he knew for he was a frenchman our seats said m t were so far back that we had difficulty in making out what said but from what i did hear i would judge that she spoke better english than at any rate i could understand her better than i ever could m le confessed to being disappointed it may be my fault however said he for i am very rusty in my french i o best funny stories having paid no attention to it since i visited in the summer of i brought my french conversations along with me to night but it was of no assistance to me i hadn t got half through the first scene in the first act when was dying in the last act this was slow business of course there were a good many words and phrases that were familiar such as sweet tray be and you can depend upon it that whenever i heard these old friends i applauded with the and the now all these and features and there were many many more such interested us or at least they entertained us but we were grieved to discover a disposition shall we say a on the part of the audience to compare s with s to any such comparison would be a sore injustice to both ladies and represent two very different dramatic schools one is the school of and the other is essentially so different that it must be estimated only under the accepted	34
rules of weight to be more explicit we will say that while you would properly weigh miss s art on a hay scales you must use a more delicate machine if you would seek to learn the true magnitude and of s art it is quite true that to both fe men and things i i the same amount of practical appreciation is paid her in when miss played at the theatre last january she was applauded by two thousand delighted at fifty cents apiece now comes along with her and does business to j of the de la crime of our pork at three dollars per head you see that the box office are the same in both instances it would be impossible therefore to compare the merits of each by the amount of money derived from the performance of each it is far from our purpose to any between these two gifted women each in her way and the way of the one is as far from the way of the other as the beauties of a fat stock show are removed from the beauties of a display if there is in s art a breadth and a weight that remind us of the ponderous of a meat axe there is it must also be confessed in s art a and an that remind us of the covert of a paper knife has explained this very difference in that charming wherein he tells of who with ruddy glowing arm holds out an cup of goat s milk while on the other hand extends to the poet a silver filled to the brim with old chilled with snow now there is no doubt in mind best funny stories that chose the but we are not all and we presume to say that as between goat s milk at prices and at war a vast majority of would choose the former the last act was a great disappointment said one of our most beef it is there that gets away with this why s with that young is the piece of art i ever saw she just tears around and the furniture like a steer in a box car george leader of the at the says that he knew just as soon as he saw the score of the music that s was very s s score says he is throughout with con and on the other hand the music of s is in big black type and every other bar is or and our player blew himself into a last january trying to keep up with the rest of the in the death struggle in the last act we can see that labors under one serious disadvantage and that is the fact that her plays are in a foreign language we asked colonel j m hill why did not write his plays in english and he said he supposed it was because was a frenchman the critics men and things this may be all very well for paris but we that it will not do in what protection has a audience in a case of this kind what assurance have we that while we are admiring this woman s art the woman herself is not and us in her absurd foreign language now we would not seek to create the impression that s work is not on the contrary we are free to say and we say it boldly that we recognize considerable merit in it we fancy however that is not always original we find him making use of a good many lines certainly were not bom of his genius as we remember now into his dialogue the very the very du and the very too which we hear every day in our best society and will he have the to deny that he has stolen from us ay stolen from us the very which is the grand commercial basis upon which culture stands and all competition oh how glad how proud is that and william shakespeare and and her other favorite have been content to put their plays in honest but saxon rev cream and the new livery a letter from mrs to miss by george william new york april my dear lent came so early this year that i was very much afraid my new bonnet a would not be out from paris soon enough but it arrived just in time and i had the satisfaction of taking down the pride of mrs who fancied hers would be the only hat in the first sunday she could not keep her eyes away from me and i sat so and so calmly looking at the doctor that she was quite vexed but whenever she away i ran my eyes over the whole congregation and would you believe that almost without an exception people had their old things however i suppose they forgot how soon lent was coming as i was passing out of church mrs brushed by me men and things ah said she good morning why bless me you ve got that pretty hat i saw at s well now it s really quite pretty has some taste left yet what a lovely sermon the doctor gave us by the by did you know that mrs has actually bought the blue velvet it s too bad because i wanted to cover my prayer book with blue and she sits so near the effect of my book will be quite spoiled dear me there she is to me good bye do come and see us you know well really does very well i was so mad with the old thing that i could not help catching her by her mantle and holding on while i whispered loud enough for everybody to hear mrs you see i have just got my bonnet from paris it s made after the s if you	34
of milk dear mrs which is so full of pastoral associations why did he the word pastoral do you wonder that i like cream cheese dear when he is so gentle and religious and such a pretty religion too for he is not only well dressed and has such aristocratic hands and feet in the parlor but he is so perfectly gentlemanly in the pulpit he never raises his voice too loud and he has such you can imagine how pleasantly lent is passing since i see so much of him and then it is so appropriate to lent to be intimate with a minister he goes with me to a great deal i best funny stories for mr of course has no time for that except on sundays and it is really delightful to see such piety he makes the in the most musical manner and when he upon entering the he is the admiration of the whole church he his face entirely in a cloud of pocket handkerchief with his embroidered at the comer and his hair is beautifully parted down behind which is very fortunate as otherwise it would look so badly when only half his head showed how thankful we ought to be that we live now with so many churches and such fine ones and such gentlemanly ministers as mr cheese and how nicely it s arranged that after dancing and dining for two or three months constantly which of course we can only go to church sundays there comes a time for stopping when we are tired out and for going to church every day and as mr p says striking a balance and thinking about being good and all those things we don t lose a great deal you know it makes a variety and we all see each other just the same only we don t dance i asked mr cheese what he thought of balls whether it was so very wicked to dance and go to parties if one only went to church twice a day on sundays he patted his lips a moment with his handkerchief and then he said and you can always quote the rev cream as men and things dear mrs it is recorded in holy scripture that the king danced before the lord darling if anything should happen i don t believe he would object much to your dancing what we women are to be sure i meant to write you about our new livery and i am afraid i have tired you out already you remember when you were here i said that i meant to have a livery for my sister margaret told me that when they used to drive in park with the old of it was always so delightful to hear him say ah there is lady s livery it was so aristocratic and in countries where certain colors distinguish certain families and are hereditary so to say it is convenient and pleasant to recognize a coat of arms or a livery and to know that the representative of a great and famous family is passing by that s a that s a that s a that s de that s mount old lord used to say as the carriages whirled by he knew none of them personally i believe except de and mount but then it was so agreeable to be able to know their now why shouldn t we have the same arrangement why not have the smith colors and the brown colors and the black colors and the colors etc so that the people might ay ah there go the arms i a best funny stories there is one difficulty mr p says and that is that he five hundred and sixty seven in the which might lead to some confusion but that was absurd as i told him because everybody would know which of the was able to keep a carriage so that the livery would be recognized directly the moment that any of the family were seen in the carriage upon which he said in his provoking way why have any livery at all then and he persisted in saying that no smith was ever the smith for three generations and that he knew at least twenty each of whom was able to set up his carriage and stand by his colors but then a livery is so elegant and aristocratic said i and it shows that a servant is a servant that last was a strong argument and i thought that mr p would have nothing to say against it but he rattled on for some time asking me what right i had to be aristocratic or in fact anybody else went over his eternal old talk about foreign habits as if we hadn t a right to adopt the good of all nations and finally said that the use of among us was not only a pure absurdity as he called it but that no genuine american would ever ask another to assume a why said i is not an american servant a servant still most undoubtedly he said and when a men and things man is a servant let him serve faithfully and in this country especially where to morrow he may be the served and not the servant let him not be ashamed of serving but mrs i beg you to observe that a servant s livery is not like a general s the of honorable service but of service of course a servant may be as honorable as a general and his work quite as necessary and well done but for all that it is not so respected nor a situation i believe and in social estimation a man suffers by wearing a livery as he never would if he wore none and while in countries in which a man is proud of being a servant as every man	34
understood and then we should never have this trouble about explanations however i couldn t make him agree to wear the livery he said i ll try to be a good servant ma am but i cannot put on those things and make a fool of myself i hope you won t insist for i am very anxious to get a place think of his to me i told him that i did not permit my servants to impose conditions upon me that s one of mrs s sayings that i was willing to pay him good wages ao best funny stories and treat him well but that my james must wear my livery he looked very sorry said that he should like the place very much that he was satisfied with the wages and was sure he should please me but he could not put on those things we were both determined and so parted i think we were both sorry for i should have to go all through the calf business again and he lost a good place however dear i have my livery and my footman and am as good as anybody it s very splendid when i go to s to have the red and the purple and the white springing down to open the door and to see people look and say i wonder who that is and everybody bows so nicely and the clerks are so polite and mrs is melting with envy on the other side and mrs goes about sa dear little woman that mrs but so weak pity pity and mrs says is that the livery ah yes mr s grandfather used to shoe my grandfather s horses as if to be useful in the world were a disgrace as mr p says and young and and come up and stand about so gentlemanly and say well mrs are we to have no more charming parties this season and says in his droll way let s keep the ball a that young man is always ready with a then i step out and james throws open the men and things door and the young men raise their hats and the new crowd says i wonder who that is and the and purple and spring up behind and i drive home to dinner now dear isn t that nice the of by ford it was mrs who induced captain to purchase a horse captain you will understand had just won the affections of the plump mrs of the late also he had with a sailor s ignorance of feminine ways presumed to settle off hand the details of the coming ril sail over in the monday afternoon said he and take you back with me to point you can have your sent over later by team in the we ll have a shore come round an make the cap n replied the we won t do any of them things not one a at gasped the captain have you ever been married cap n n n no my dear well i have and i guess i know how it ought to be done you ll have the minister come here and here you ll come to marry me you won t come in no either catch me my two an thirty into men and things a little boat like that you ll drive over here with a horse like a respectable person and you ll drive back with me by land and past s house so s she can see but i ain t got a horse never owned one an never handled one and you know it urged the captain then it s high time you had a horse and knew how to drive him besides if i go to point i shall want to come to the village once in a while i sha n t sail and i sha n t walk if i can t ride like a lady i don t go to the point the inevitable happened captain promised to buy a horse next day hence his visit to the and his introduction to as the captain immediately named his purchase as one who an object captain looked at at the same time the captain captain tried to look at the old horse but he met that calm curious gaze and the attempt was hardly a success however the captain solemnly over him and remarked yes he has got some good lines as you say though you wouldn t hardly call him not much sheer for ard an a too much aft eh at this criticism oh i s pose he s all right quickly added the o best funny stories captain fact is i ain t never paid much attention to horses bein on the water so much you re sure he ll mind his oh he ll go where you p int him won t drag anchor will he stand all day if you ll let him well i m ready to sign articles i guess it was about noon that a stable boy delivered at point his arrival caused the captain s confidential friend adviser and cook to the potatoes for dinner and demand explanation who s the for cap n asked it was a question that captain had been for two hours the time of confession was at hand quietly and with no show of emotion as a sea cook and a philosopher heard the captain s revelations he permitted himself to chuckle the captain that had guessed of his surrender a grim smile was barely suggested by the wrinkles about his mouth and eyes he said the widow an me had some little argument over this horse business an an i give in she told me flat she wouldn t come to the p int if i tried to fetch her by water in the so i	34
promised to bring her home by land and with a horse i m bound to do it too but by time here the captain suddenly men and things his knee i ve just been struck with a notion i m goin to see what you think of it for an captain and sat in the sun smoked their pipes and talked earnestly then they separated began a close study of complicated the captain off towards the village late in the afternoon the captain returned riding in a side bar with a man behind the they a skeleton lumber wagon four wheels connected by an extension pole the man drove away in the side bar leaving the captain and the lumber wagon who had been to a watched the next day s proceedings with interest he saw the captain and drag up from the beach the twenty foot and it up between the wheels through the forward part of the they bored a hole for the with nut they fastened the stem to the rear adding some very seaman like to stay the boat in place as they painted the upper of the white giving to the lower part and to the running gear of the cart a coat of was experienced but a vehicle such as this product of point he had never before seen his ears pointed and nostrils with curiosity he was led up ao best funny stories to the boat wagon reluctantly he backed under the raised shafts the captain stood off to take an admiring glance at the she s down by the bow some but i guess she ll when we get aboard see what you think s inspection caused him to and scratch his head finally he gave his verdict from aft she looks as trim as a but from for ard she looks like a tramp after a v round the horn color of old don t suit eh no it don t that s so i but i couldn t find no striped horse couldn t we paint him up a cap n by i never thought of that exclaimed captain course we can a string an we ll strike a water line on him with no more than as if the thing was quite usual the preparations for carrying out this were begun perhaps the victim thought it a new kind of for he made no protest half an hour later old from about the middle of his body down to his shoes was painted a beautiful sea green like some marine monster shone the lower half of him it may have been a trifle but with the sun on the fresh paint the effect was striking his color now men and things matched that of the cart with startling that s what i call real ship shape declared captain the result got any more notions strikes me we ought to ship a mast so s we could a in case the old horse should give out cap n we ll do it rate so a mast and were in the also the lines were lengthened with rope that the captain might steer from the stem sheets she s as fine a land goin craft as ever i see anywhere said the captain which was certainly no extravagant statement how captain and the from point to the village how they were cheered and along the route how they ran into the yard of the livery stable as a port of refuge how the captain escaped to the home of the widow how the was these are details which must be the climax came when the newly made mrs her plump hand resting affectionately on the sleeve of the captain s best blue coat said now cap n i m ready to drive to point all right s for us at the front door with the craft at first sight of the boat on wheels mrs io best funny stories could do no more than attempt by means of indistinct to express her obvious emotion for a moment she gazed at the fantastic and spoke not then she the front door with an indignant bang marched back into the sitting room and threw herself on the hair cloth sofa with an abandon that carried away half a dozen springs for the first hour she between vast sobs that captain was a wretch that she would never set foot on point and that she would die there on the sofa rather than ride in such an towards evening the storm spent itself the disturbed became somewhat calm eventually she laughed at the captain s arguments and in the end she not by day would she enter the wagon but late in the evening she would swallow her pride and go just to please the captain it was a soft july night there was a brisk but warm breeze and the moon had come up out of the sea there shouted the bridegroom as they moved out of the yard can t we do better n this ain t hardly got on her can t him cap n hadn t we better shake out the wind s fair yes shake it out mrs s feeble protest was as the night wind caught the sail and it o r h w o m y men and things out the flapping caused old to cast an glance behind him one look at the terrible white thing which loomed him was enough he decided to bolt bolt he did to the best of his ability all obstacles being considered desperately mrs the and she screamed stop him captain stop him he ll us all to pieces set right still an trim ship i ve got the responded the captain through his teeth ahead sir shouted at this juncture sure enough not fifty yards ahead the shell road turned sharply away from the edge of the beach	34
a rich man yet you don t know what relief it brings to a person not naturally laborious to be from to sport and from the obligation to keep one s self exercised and amused i used to belong to at least a dozen clubs clubs clubs clubs and court clubs clubs lunch clubs and clubs for social i resigned from four of them thereby a pleasing in the mere matter of i have always hated to waste anything and i used to try to get some little service every year out of each club i joined i hunted a little i a good deal i had some and worked them occasionally i never had a but still i somewhat in the season i did a little of everything in its season and i made it a point to take as much social as my system could stand between other of course the strain was considerable and what i tried to do in the way of business was sometimes i made some that i would not have made if my engagements had permitted me to go to the bottom of them i was a very hard worked man so much so that i foimd it difficult to maintain much more than a bowing acquaintance with my family a friendship of long standing with my wife i was able to men and things keep up but anything like an intimacy with my children was impossible the relief which has brought has astonished me i have no horses now no no or sometimes i ride a a little way but i feel no obligation to keep it exercised sometimes i play a of but merely for amusement i don t turn my hand over to keep in condition my riding weight isn t a matter of concern to me i walk enough to keep my nerves quiet and my in order and i find steady entertainment which borders sometimes on actual excitement in the old fashioned game of trying to make a living really it s a better game than it s cracked up to be to chase a dollar is more humane than to chase a fox and for all that the fox is harder to catch the dollar can make sharp turns sometimes and afford a really zealous some very fair sport i honestly think that in time i may come to be fairly good at it and i shall have time to perfect myself too the new life is so easy compared with the old one s habits are so much more regular the of domestic life and the society of children are so wholesome it one s strength to sit for a while in an office i was wearing my poor old apparatus out and now at the easy rate i am going i ought to live to be eighty in marked but cheerful contrast with the case of rejoicing in is i best funny stories the of my old friend major brace who is to but the means he has been telling me that the of the church which he goes to observing the of his walk and the of his conversation has called his attention to the of becoming a somewhat more formal pillar of the temple by making public of his connection with it the major being in decided sympathy with the purposes of the church has been looking into the matter he finds it requisite among other things if he the church to take upon his own shoulders all the assumed on his account by his in he says his agreed on his to the devil and all his works the vain pomp and glory of the world and other matters which the prayer he has no kindness he says for the devil and no desire to retain the of any of his works but the vain pomp and glory of the world has given him some slight pause because of a difficulty in precisely what these somewhat loose descriptive terms include if vain pomp and glory means on a he will cheerfully forego them if it means the privilege of having his portrait in the newspapers he will not to that he is quite willing to give up so far as lies in him all purpose and expectation of marrying either of i men and things his daughters to any member of the british all joy over our s into the pacific all pride in the of the united states beyond what loyalty demands and all hope of having either of his sons on the team of any prominent university further than that he does not quite know how to go and yet these somehow seem trivial to him when footed up and balanced against the of the church where shall i get any vain pomp the major demands do you really think it grows in this country or that a republican form of government is consistent with it i own i am often proud of mrs brace s clothes and her glorious and majestic appearance in them when they are new i even take a pleasure in that brilliant of jewels which is known in our family as the and which she often wears of an evening with admirable effect the may be a vain pomp but it is not mine mrs brace must settle about it herself i might the yellow shoes i bought last year and which i own i did not like the less for being but their day is so far advanced that they are no longer i confess that i am somewhat disconcerted i could the devil though really he is almost as vague an to me as the mrs but i shall have to take further counsel with the about the and a o best funny stories perhaps he will understand them in some sense which will make them seem enough to let go but	34
unless he does it me to know how i am to give them up without blushing before all the congregation and by all the nobleman we hav she holds the no more to do in making a man than he than a s feather in his hat in making him taller a hard for some this earth with male and ones who think they are grate their in the or tobacco trade and the out sum time since they try themselves and other folks with the a ain t nothing so thin on the ribs a when the world stands in need ov an one into it and him papers without flaw in them be so in the papers titles are a plan got up bi assist in best funny stories titles ain t ov more real use or than dog are i hav seen dog that dollars on dogs that want worth in market over j cents this a grate waste ov collar and a grate damage the dog don t put but one into her kind ov and that she up the with a little just make it lively she that all other kinds are false and i i wish every man and woman on earth a with earthly are made principally out ov forty years ago it took about thousand dollars make a good sized and his family with the same but it takes now about thousand throw the into fits like all other bred it don t take more make an now nor clothes than it did in the ov don t vary the standard ov clothes ain t titles ain t i men and things a man go and be and be an an his brown front a tub and it want on end at that very good to on in the present hi ov and wearing apparel provided see the but if the kind of out and don t reach and you don t but the you hav got to diet that s all i ov thousands who are now on they say it tastes good i i presume they lie without knowing it not ov this sort ov for i never should think ov mixing and together i will take mine if i don t never be an nor an angel i don t i want be one i certainly should make a miserable angel i certainly never shall hav make an a poor don t never your seed back one worth more the world than thousand an the most in market they are generally ashamed aa best funny stories ov their and if they hav and live long they generally hav be ashamed ov their posterity i ov in who are on their the money and out sum time ago it hard for them warm up and on them but warm up pride and even a smell might well a ov in a deserted yard by the heavy with tan bark i miss on the chinese question by mary don t be is it on ye say an didn t i on till the heart of me was broke entirely and me that thin you could clutch me yer two hands to think o me like a for the six year i ve been in bad luck to the day i left the to be by the likes o them an i ll sit down when i m ready so i will ann an ye d better be list than your remarks an it s with five good characters from respectable places would be the the saints forgive me but i d be buried alive soon n put up it a day longer sure an i was a not to be at when the into me kitchen her about the new waiter man which was brought out from he ll be here the night says she and it s looks to you to be kind and patient him for he s a says she a best funny stories kind o looking off sure an it s little hinder nor him nor any other says i a kind o stiff for i minded me how these french their paper and brass rings on their fingers isn t company for no brought up and honest a bit i knew what was till the walked into me kitchen and says kind o here s wing an you ll have too much to mind his bein a little strange that she shoots the and i if i was up sufficient for me fine buy his paper collar looks up and holy fathers may i another breath but there a a like he d just come off a box if you ll me the was that it ud you to see him and was on him but a black night gown over his trousers and the front of his head shaved nor a copper and a black tail a down from behind his two feet into the shoes you ever set eyes on but i was up stairs afore you could turn about a the an only her by her me wages two dollars and me how it was a christian s duty to bear and em all in our power the saints save us well the ways and trials i had that ann i couldn t be not a thing i do men and things but he d be on his eyes cocked up ard like two handles an he a speck or a o whiskers on him and his full a yard long but it s dying you d be to see the a him and he an his pig tail which was out long some black the hay then and into her ways wonderful quick i don t deny that sharp you d be and and things the best of us will do a hurried work yet	34
don t want to the knowledge of the family bad luck to him is it ate him an would i be a and he a yes an dogs an cats to me i warrant you which is the custom of them till the thought made me that sick i could die an didn t the to help me a wake ago come an me a down me clothes for the an fill his mouth water an afore i could hinder it through his teeth over the best linen table cloth and fold it up tight as now as a baby the dirty but the of all was the he d be till ye d be it s knows the feet that s on me since ever i ve bin in this country well to that i fell into the way o me shoes off when i d be to pale the or the likes o that and best funny stories do ye mind that do the same thing after me the set him apples or the saints in heaven couldn t have made him he the shoes on him when he d be anything did i lave fur that an didn t he get me into trouble my the you re aware how the from the often contains more n go into anything so for that matter i d now and then take out a sup o sugar or flour or an wrap it in paper and put it in me bit of a box tucked the the how it be any one well what should it be but this blessed mom the was a akin pleasant and ful me in me kitchen when the boy comes in an stands her his an she motions like to wing which i never would call him by that name nor any other but just she motions to him she does for to take the an empty out the sugar an what not where they belongs if you ll me ann what did that do but take out a sup o sugar an a handful o an a bit o right afore the wrap them into bits o paper an i an he the next minute up the and out me box a show o bein sly to put them in the lord forgive me but i men and things clutched it and the o in a way that ud your blood he s a says i i ve found you out says she i ll him says i it s you ought to be says she you won t says i i will says she and so it went till she give me such as i take from no lady an i give her an left that instant an she a to the hunting for an apartment by may there i m all ready but my veil and i m going to let you tie it on for me well you needn t look so frightened it won t hurt you it s quite time you learned how for in just one month and six days o o h you ll rub all the powder off now don t be foolish any more i wonder when you ll get real sensible i ll just hate you when you do so now tie my veil we haven t any time to lose no not another one now just take the ends no don t pull it wait wait till i get it in the middle goodness it s all come off there now try again roll the ends oh no not as though you were twisting a rope now tie it easy not so loose it feels u u h h h it quick i didn t know you were so stupid well i have well just once more i ll tie it myself now i m ready take oh no see he s asleep leave him alone he s so big well i just want you to know mr dick i m not going to men and things be and made to do things i don t want to and the sooner you understand it the better and i m not going to take and oh come on come on old have you got the paper with those i marked then you ve lost it yes yes i did i certainly gave it to you i don t know where you put it no i did no i didn t you did i u look just to oblige you but of course i know well did you ever here it is on the table i wonder how it got there just where i left it but i remember perfectly well giving it never mind we ve got it that s the important thing i have about engaged that girl i spoke of no i didn t ask her for her reference no i didn t exactly forget it but i think it s insulting anyway however she s perfectly honest well if you must know i asked her and she said she was very well but if she doesn t know who does now answer me that mr lawyer yes she s colored those colored girls don t seem to eat anything and the irish ones have awful so i would rather trust to one stealing something occasionally than to have a girl eating a lot all the time you d find in the end the colored one was the cheaper oh is this the first on the list this is lovely i know i shall like to live here those cunning little carved heads over the windows and such nice people in the house too what do i mean best funny stories look at those curtains on the	34
second floor real lace i guess i know what kind of people live behind those curtains now i m going to do all the talking and don t you say one word i generally do that is polite we are going to pretend we re married it won t be half as embarrassing and if you say any more rude things like that i won t even have to intimate it never mind never mind you can t very well kiss me here in the street let s go in no it s not a hint stupid they enter i like those palms why no they re not they are well i ll feel no they re not real still if we like the rooms i wouldn t let that make us decide against the place we are looking for an apartment my why my just my husband and i what have you only one vacant yes of course we only want one but i always like to see two or more because if you haven t several to choose from how do you know which one you want ground floor have you an i m glad of that i must have an what difference does it make if we re on the first floor i don t care if we don t use it i like an i just like to know it s there if i did want to use it so yes we will look at is always under my feet he s so big i said not to bring him oh my what a very thin hall it would make a lovely alley yes i suppose so men and things the hall doesn t really matter much as you say you only use it to get somewhere else yes yes what lovely big what they re my goodness i why yes that s true you really only need a bedroom to sleep in and of course you don t need light when you are asleep and it s dark everywhere at night anyway this is the dining room i thought so because it s too small to put a table in oh they make them all that way it is pretty dark yes that is true yes i suppose so he says no one uses the dining room except to eat in and you always can find your mouth even if you can t see i know this is the parlor by that mirror over the mantel shelf but isn t it rather peculiar having the parlor windows looking out in the back oh the wanted to have this house different from other apartments i see i like things a little odd myself but dear me do those people over there always have their clothes on the line i shouldn t like that you would speak to them about it oh that would be all right then thank you who lives on the next floor is that so how lovely to live in the same house with a real i ve never seen one but i ve heard they are so quiet and refined i said to d to to to my husband it s so absurd but i can t quite get used to saying my husband though best funny stories we have been married a great many years well i said as we came in i knew the right sort of people lived why don t behind those curtains they are right over our heads aren t they they entertain every sunday afternoon how delightfully good heavens what s that oh my i heard something why they ll come through the ceiling what they re just having one of their they are singing listen there will be a hot old time i don t think that sounds very literary yes i ve heard are always eccentric you say it s only on sunday that isn t so bad yes it is cheerful well now where is going to sleep how old is he why how old is he no i don t know exactly either about a year i should think don t allow children oh oh you don t understand we re only we aren t we haven t s the dog what s the rent of this apartment strange you should have to go to find out well you might have said something i never was so embarrassed in my life i know i said i wanted to do all the talking but it came to such a dreadful hush here s the man well the apartment is already then why did you show it he s looking very strangely at us do you think it was about it s as well for my husband and i men and things have just decided we would not care to take the place anyway i don t like the way the are arranged if you could take this one and put it in the parlor and put the parlor in the dining room and oh of course i know you couldn t do it that s why i said it good we wouldn t have been any better oflf if i had let you talk now you trust to me i know how to manage i am sorry about that place though the lovely entrance and the palms those stone heads over the windows and the well never mind suppose i did want to ride up in that wouldn t i be glad it was there i can t help it whenever i see a place without an it makes me feel well funny sort of this	34
you think they could make it a little more no even so we couldn t decide at once i would want a day or so to think it over i sha n t see mr to night or to morrow night either i i we we i don t see him every night i may as well own up we are just pretending to be married will you inquire if they could raise the rent thanks cheap that s just it don t use the word i hate it of course dear i know we re going to be poor i like it i m glad of it but if we do have to live in such a horrid little i mean little place i should feel better if we paid a little more rent i m not surprised that you don t understand men never do hush here he comes you wait for me on the floor below i ll bargain with him and make him come up in his price run along there s a dear what did you say the apartment is already then what do you mean by showing it to us none but married respect i don t know what you mean but you are a perfectly dreadful man quick come oh here you are i decided it wouldn t do at all i would rather die than live in this house now no i ve just changed my mind that s all let s hurry out of here so this is number three i don t like that doctor s sign on the first floor it makes me feel as though the place wasn t healthy then again best funny stories it would be handy in case was sick i just hate these feet arrangements at the door they are so old fashioned i suppose we may as well go in but i know i sha n t like it goodness palms again i m tired to death of them have you an apartment to rent you have are you perfectly sure it is not already we will look at it yes it is a nice entrance but you can t live in an entrance you have an i m beginning to think they are not they collect dirt what floor is the apartment the second then it really is no advantage having an anyway only one flight do you object to s the dog you have a for dogs and a man to them why yes i suppose it is nice but it s a peculiar arrangement what a wide hall all the rooms light and good size that does seem strange what about the people overhead do they entertain what just an old man with i never heard of an old man having alone in an apartment why no i suppose there is no reason why he shouldn t but is he very quiet about it does he pound on the floor or sing there will be a hot old time electric lights and you don t have to pay for them well i don t see but we will have to take this place i can t find any objection to it what is the rent i should think that was reasonable i may as well explain at once we had so much men and things trouble at the other places that we are not even pretending we are married but we are going you are not sure about the rent well go and see please it does seem too good to be true for i m so tired out i can t look at another place well i can t help it i m just worn out and here he comes well what the apartment is i thought it was when i came in i shouldn t take it anyway under any circumstances i don t like the idea about the dog s oc d i don t care it wasn t my fault and it wouldn t have been any different if you had done the talking i m all tired out and i didn t know it was such an awful trouble and fuss to get married and i just hate you so and i m just going home to my mother and stay there so come the last straw by william the stout man with the complexion brought the front legs of his chair down upon the porch floor with a i m thirsty again he said glancing at his two companions wherein you differ from a remarked the young college man a can go nine days without drinking the thin old gentleman sitting between them nodded very true said he very true your statement concerning the is perfectly correct did i ever tell you gentlemen of the adventure that i had with a while in is it a story inquired the young man well yes assented the old gentleman with some show of reluctance it is a story if you care to hear it the stout man seemed disgusted and disappointed but he repressed his emotions by all means he said by all means let us hear the story men and things the old gentleman devoted a few silent seconds to mental preparation and then began e where i spent the fall of is situated in western about one hundred and twenty five miles north of the mountains it is such a quiet dirty comfortable little town that i was to leave it but my orders when they came were imperative these orders arrived on december th in a message from major the commander of our expedition the message was brief consisting of only these ten words am waiting	34
for you at h of come at once j if you look at the map of you will see that lies just over the border and is exactly four hundred and seventy miles due east from el now four hundred and seventy miles by is a full six days journey so i had no time to waste before nightfall of that same day i had purchased a a fleet footed beast of the variety known as by midnight i had my few packed upon him and at three o clock in the morning an hour before daybreak i was ready to mount the beast and set out on my journey to the knelt while i up on to his back and then with a groan arose best funny stories to his feet him by means of the strong with which he was furnished i rode him around to the town fountain and let him drink this was an act of folly that i soon had occasion to repent but i was not then as well acquainted with as i am now after he had taken a long refreshing three minutes drink in which operation he consumed thirty five of water i turned his head in an direction and away we went we had been three quarters of an hour on our journey when i discovered what a gigantic blunder i had made in letting the have that drink the discovery came about naturally believing that it would be advisable to the baggage i had decided to make a brief halt i therefore grasped the firmly in my right hand and pulled it with all my might giving at the same time the customary signal to stop the paid no attention i pulled with both hands but to no the still sped on i said but he misunderstood me i said get up and he did after fifteen minutes of efforts i suddenly as there flashed across me a full of my the had had a drink and was consequently good for nine days now in view of the fact that we should reach in only six days men and things the situation was to say the least unpleasant but i could no nothing and so resigned myself six times the night closed down over us and six times more the red sun burned his track across the sky and then on december th at half past four in the morning we came in sight of the ancient walls of the city against the eastern glow loomed up before us black and ghostly as we the walls i tried again to check the but i might as well have tried to check the wind he right straight along was standing outside the city s gates as we flew past and i shall never forget the look of astonishment and anger that flitted across his face as he realized that i was not going to stop he ordered me to halt but how could ii halt without the it was a high it had no fire escape and there i was was amazed commands failed him and he began to swear at me he was afraid that i couldn t hear him so he paid five beggars a apiece to help him and they did help him as long as i was within ear shot i could hear them they cursed and me and my ancestors my past and hung a pall over my future the had now still three days to go so i planned to ride around in a large circle that at the end of three days would bring us back again x best funny stories to the city the plan was a success on december th early in the morning we arrived a second time before the gates of this time the halted and knelt to let me upon hearing my explanation for swearing at me and made the beggars give him back his plain language from truthful james by francis which i wish to remark and my language is plain that for ways that are dark and for tricks that are vain the heathen is peculiar which the same i would rise to explain ah sin was his name and i shall not deny in regard to the same what that name might imply but his smile it was pensive and as i frequent remarked to bill it was august the third and quite soft was the skies which it might be inferred that ah sin was likewise yet he played it that day upon william and me in a way i despise best funny stories which we had a small game and ah sin took a hand it was the same he did not understand but he smiled as he sat by the table with the smile that was and bland yet the cards they were in a way that i grieve and my feelings were shocked at the state of s sleeve which was stuffed full of and and the same with intent to deceive but the hands that were played by that heathen and the points that he made were quite frightful to see till at last he put down a right bower which the same had dealt me then i looked up at and he gazed upon me and he rose with a sigh and said can this be we are ruined by chinese cheap labor and he went for that heathen h went for the heathen x and men and things in the scene that ensued i did not take a hand but the floor it was like the leaves on the strand with the cards that ah sin had been hiding in the game he did not understand in his sleeves which were long he had four which was coming it strong yet i but the facts and we found on his nails which	34
vein and told me i would never have any more trouble with my pigs and i did not for i never saw them again whether they kept growing thinner they vanished in the air or were stolen is still a mystery and about a week later i suppose i an contempt for the american when i sent to the store for a side of english breakfast bacon a fight with a by in the would be a more attractive than it is but for the popular notion of its dangers the is a retiring and harmless animal except when he is aroused and forced into a combat and then his and become apparent no one who has studied the excellent pictures representing men in an open boat exposed to the of long enraged flying at them through the open air with open mouth ever with his rod upon the lonely lakes of the forest without a certain terror or ever reads of the exploits of daring without a feeling of admiration for their heroism most of their adventures are thrilling and all of them are in more or less unjust to the in fact the object of them seems to be to exhibit at the expense of the the the skill and the muscular power of the my own simple story has few of these we had built our bark camp one summer and s best funny stories were staying on one of the popular lakes of the region it would be a very pretty region if it were not so flat if the of the lakes had not been by at the which have killed the trees and left a rim of ghastly dead wood like the of the imder world pictured by s pencil and if the at the hotels were in time it would be an excellent sporting region also for there is water enough if the fish would stock the waters and if previous hunters had not pulled all the hair and skin off from the tails formerly had a habit of catching the deer by the tails and of being dragged in mere and round the shores it is well known that if you seize a deer this the skin will slip off like the from a this practice was carried so far that the traveller is now pained by the sight of tail deer mournfully about the wood we had been hearing for weeks of a small lake in the heart of the virgin forest some ten miles from our camp which was alive with hungry the to it was described as stiff with them in my imagination i saw them lying there in ranks and rows each a foot long three deep a solid mass the lake had never been visited except by stray in the winter and was known as the unknown pond i determined to explore it men and things fully expecting however that it would prove to be a delusion as such mysterious haunts of the usually are confiding my purpose to we secretly made our preparations and stole away from the one morning at daybreak each of us carried a boat a pair of blankets a sack of bread pork and sugar while i had my case of rods and book of flies and had an axe and the kitchen we think nothing of loads of this sort in the woods five miles through a swamp brought us to the of unknown pond upon which we embarked our fleet and down its waters they were at first winding among fir trees but gradually developed a strong current at the end of three miles a loud roar ahead warned us that we were approaching falls and we paused the danger was unknown we had our choice of our loads and making a through the woods or of shooting the naturally we chose the more dangerous course shooting the has often been described and i will not repeat the description here it is needless to say that i drove my frail bark through the boiling over the successive amid rocks and vicious and landed half a mile below with hair and a boat half full of water and that the guide was upset and boat contents and man were strewn along the shore best funny stories after this common experience we quickly on journey and a couple of hours before reached the lake if i live to my d day i never shall forget its appearance the lake is almost an exact circle about a quarter of a mile in the forest about it was untouched by axe and by artificial the water had a perfect setting of in which all the shades of the fir the the pine and the were perfectly blended and at intervals on the shore in the rim blazed the of the it was at once evident that the waters had never been vexed by the of a boat but what chiefly attracted my attention and amused me was the boiling of the water the and breaking as if the lake were a vast kettle with a fire underneath a would have been astonished at this common phenomenon but will at once understand me when i say that the water boiled with the breaking i studied the surface for some time to see upon what sort of flies they were feeding in order to suit my cast to their but they seemed to be at play rather than feeding leaping high in the air in graceful curves and tumbling about one another as we see them in pictures it is well known that no person who regards his reputation will ever kill a with anything but a fly it requires some training on the part men and things of the to take to this method the in waters prefers the bait and the rural people whose sole object in going a fishing appears	34
self defence the left the water about ten feet from the boat and came directly at me men and things with fiery eyes his sides flashing like a i as he by with a vicious slap of his tail and nearly upset the boat the line was of course slack and the danger was that he would it about me and carry away a leg this was evidently his game but i it and only lost a breast button or two by the swiftly moving string the into the water with a hissing and went away again with all the line on the more butt more indignation on the part of the captive the contest had now been going on for half an hour and i was getting exhausted we had been back and forth across the lake and and the lake what i feared was that the would start up the and wreck us in the bushes but he had a new fancy and began the execution of a which i had never read of instead of coming straight towards me he took a large circle swimming rapidly and gradually his i in and kept my eye on him round and he went his circle i began to suspect the game which was to twist my head off when he had reduced the of his circle to about twenty five feet he struck a tremendous pace through the water it would be false modesty in a to say that i was not equal to the occasion instead of turning round with him as he expected i stepped to the bow myself and let the boat best funny stories swing round went the fish and round we went like a top i saw a line of mount all round the horizon the rosy tint in the west made a broad band of pink along the sky above the tree tops the evening star was a perfect circle of light a of gold in the heavens we whirled and and and whirled i was willing to give the malicious beast butt and line and all if he would only go the other way for a change when i came to myself was the at the boat side after we had got him in and dressed him he weighed three quarters of a fish always lose by being got in and dressed it is best to weigh them while they are in the water the only really large one i ever caught got away with my leader when i first struck him he weighed ten pounds to by henry w men who hav a grate deal to do with seem faster than the do are like and they are themselves how it with them the society ov man and being ov grate deceit they will learn a man how to cheat and lie before he knows it i know lots ov folks who are real and who are honest work up into united estate and hav sum good sized moral left over but when they they want looking after a a case ov in writing for an ov the i must confess that i hav the whole thing ad from the works ov a french writer on natural history ov the i th the in the case a and tail without a head best funny stories he travels in pond holes bi the side ov the and bi the ov his tail which with uncommon and vivacity bi and bi pretty soon before long in a few his tail no more and legs begin to from the south end ov the animal and from the north end at the same time may be seen a disposition head out in this cautious way the built and then for the time in his life begins his head water his success now certain and soon in about five more he may be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole and looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way the the children more nearer with a club or ov a in his hand him with he up on his behind and enters the water head without opening the door thus the for a spell of time until he be and then his life more hav ground and water and are free from sin an i never a hurt who paid his honest and took the daily papers i don t now whether a has before or not and if he don t it ain t s but the s men and things their hind legs are used for but the rest ov him won t pay for eating a the only person who live in a well and not tired speech at a mark twain dinner by e beach this is a remarkable for me on more than one in part because it is the first literary banquet i ever attended where i did not have to look up the names of the books written by the guest of honor i had planned a speech for this evening showing to mr the remarkable improvement and refinement which has occurred in american since the day in which he wrote tom and abroad but i will be unable to deliver it because the man who was to bring the and the has not yet arrived i once tried this modem american ten circuit brand of at a in south bend i had a large of near jokes of my own making and arranged for the gentleman who sat next to me to rise up and me in the with a folded newspaper at the end of each one i had just finished explaining why the chicken crossed which i consider one of my best jokes perhaps some of you have never heard it when he that men and things he had forgotten his newspaper therefore	34
he laid violent hands upon the only thing convenient which happened to be a loaf of french bread hard baked and with a bark as thick as the shell of a i never suspected until some time the next day that this man held the highest average of any man on the south bend team perhaps the perusal at an early age of mr s it had much to do with my inclination to see the west that is the west of his and s day at any rate i went in search of it but it had moved in my quest of the frontier i followed it on and on up into the where it had paused long enough for me to catch up it was the same frontier of buck and only now it had and in place of a stage coach drove a dog team its heart was as warm and its humor as keen however i shall not forget the first camp i struck it consisted of about fifteen hundred souls and nineteen saloon outside of these nineteen well to do people the rest were broke and the floating population so called because is lighter than water it was not a bad camp however on the whole one got two drinks for one dollar and the supplied a horse blanket to throw a fit on one day a stranger approached me with an air of great mystery and said best funny stories young fellow i ben you an i like your style you re a there is no greater compliment that can be paid to a man in than to say that he is a and inasmuch as i had never gazed at close range into the disgusting of hard work at that time i was pleased i am a secret expedition and i want jest one more man to fill out the number you re on what s the said i well i m a few of the best men i can find up the river to bring down a of i can t say no more or else every man in camp will want to go along and i i ve told you too much now only you look like a man who can keep his mouth shut i assured him that i was the human watch and never opened my face until i was pressed then i asked him what wages he paid five dollars a day and board said he i won t go for less than ten said i five dollars is too small whereupon we argued and after considerable finally on five dollars a day and board so one rainy night i took my roll of blankets and crept a river steamer thankful for the honor conferred upon one so young now in this desperate band there were the whom i now a six tall tm men and things behind heavy of whiskers also three young men of about my own age and of these latter one was an ex hero with legs like iron pillars another had a crew and did not know how strong he really was while the third had even a smaller development than any of us which i now consider truly remarkable he was a monster physically however so large that if he ever stood still on a street comer a policeman would tap him on the shoulder and say no groups please he had the of a blacksmith and was named not the who afterwards owned a new york magazine i asked him what business he had been engaged in before coming north and he said rubber indeed said i or neither said he bath that is where he got his muscular development and he needed it too because instead of being sent into the forest to sing and our way through the stately timber to the music of ringing steel and tree trunks we were assigned to a shameful task we had no sooner pitched our camp in the heart of the wilderness and many miles up a strange river than this of ours sent the six out into the forest with their and for us clean shaven best funny stories intellectual youths he strange un and tools the like of which we had never seen before he called them or cant hooks and said that although they might seem awkward at first in a week we j would be able to eat soup with them then he told us what to do it was work which in the early days had been performed by ox but j in later years had been done by donkey engines j and steel it consisted of seizing logs as l they were with our cant hooks carrying i them to the river bank and dropping them in now these logs weighed thousands of tons apiece and grew at immense distances back from the river dense clouds of on our white meat while added to our other troubles we were so far north that we constantly tripped and over the circle inasmuch as this sport had never been included in any college assured us that it did not even appear on the bill of fare we but the cook cut off our so that we were forced to on willow and wild we could not run away because we were hundreds of miles out in the wilderness and had no so we stayed and lifted and and strained until our eyes hung out like loose overcoat buttons gradually our became complete we to beasts of our men and things flapping our ears at the insects and sleeping standing up the put a bell on and we followed him patiently to and fro through the forest until we had every heavy piece of timber which grew in that whole valley then he laid us the us down and took us	34
back to camp after that experience i felt that i had been cast for and nobler things so i adopted in other words i to type it came about in this way one day i strolled into a saloon accent on the and noticed behind the bar a type writer it was the only type writer in at that time and the owner used it for a cash register i borrowed it and started a newspaper used to manifold ten copies at a time and sell them for one dollar apiece mr states in his in that he went south for his health i came north with mine and inasmuch as the profession carried no heaven bom message for me i proceeded to the from their money in every way possible and was succeeding fairly well when forced to close out my business owing to a mistaken sense of humor that is i made the mistake of a sense of humor to a man who didn t possess it he was a thin little hollow with the cough a engine on a frosty morning and legs like a piece of best funny stories furniture i printed a highly imaginative story to the effect that a had entered his place one day and called for a drink of warm water and good he got it went away and died upon being questioned concerning this the remarked with great astonishment well now ain t that too bad i thought he said warm water and wood as i say the man was he had no sense of humor and that joke went past him like a train past a tramp the next day he crept up to my cabin all out of breath and considerably then after he had raised up he began to reason with me as i recall it now he used a pick handle but i am not positive because my memory is and indistinct and i have only one clear cut and vivid recollection which is of witnessing a marvellous display of northern lights in the which is considered a remarkable phenomenon even in that latitude after he had gone i forth and changed a few letters in the motto which had stood so boldly over the door to the office when i came in instead of reading honest tried and true it said honest tired and through how an agricultural paper by mark twain i did not take temporary of an paper without neither would a take command of a ship without but i was in circumstances that made the salary an object the regular editor of the paper was going oflf for a holiday and i accepted the terms he offered and took his place the sensation of being at work again was luxurious and i wrought all the week with pleasure we went to press and i waited a day with some solicitude to see whether my effort was going to attract any notice as i left the office towards a group of men and boys at the foot of the stairs dispersed with one impulse and gave me and i heard one or two of them say that s him i was naturally pleased by this incident the next morning i found a similar group at the foot of the stairs and scattering couples and individuals standing here and there in the street and over the way watching me with interest the best funny stories group separated and fell back as i approached and i heard a man say look at his eye i pretended not to observe the notice i was but secretly i was pleased with it and was to write an account of it to my aunt i went up a short flight of stairs and heard cheery voices and a ringing laugh as i drew near the door which i opened and caught a glimpse of two young rural looking men whose faces and lengthened when they saw me and then they both through the window with a great crash i was surprised in about half an hour an old gentleman with a flowing beard and a fine but rather austere face entered and sat down at my invitation he seemed to have something on his mind he took off his hat and set it on the floor and got out of it a red silk handkerchief and a copy of our paper he put the paper on his lap and while he polished his spectacles with his handkerchief he said are you the new editor i said i was have you ever an agricultural paper before no i said this is my first attempt very likely have you had any experience in practically no i believe i have not some instinct told me so said the old gentleman putting on his spectacles and looking over them at me with while he folded men and things his paper into a convenient shape i wish to read you what have made me have that instinct it was this listen and see if it was you that wrote it should never be pulled it them it is much better to send a boy up and let him shake the tree now what do you think of that for i really suppose you wrote it think of it why i think it is good i think it is sense i have no doubt that every year millions and millions of of are spoiled in this alone by being pulled in a half ripe condition when if they had sent a boy up to shake the tree shake your grandmother don t grow on trees oh they don t don t they well who said they did the language was intended to be wholly anybody that knows anything will know that i meant that the boy should shake the vine then this old person got up and tore his	34
have with higher honor than you could to day i never saw anything like it your observation that the horse chestnut as an article of commerce is steadily gaining in favor is simply calculated to destroy this journal i want you to throw up your situation and go i want no more holiday i could not enjoy it if i had it certainly not with you in my chair i would always stand in dread of what you might be going to recommend next it makes me lose all patience every time i think of your discussing beds under the head of landscape i want you to go nothing on earth could persuade me to take another holiday oh best funny stories why didn t you tell me you didn t know anything about e tell you you you you son of a it s the first time i ever heard such an remark i tell you i have been in the business going on fourteen years and it is the first time i ever heard of a man s having to know anything in order to a newspaper you who write the dramatic for the second rate papers why a parcel of promoted and who know just as much about good acting as i do about good farming and no more who review the books people who never wrote one who do up the heavy leaders on parties who have had the largest opportunities for knowing nothing about it who the indian gentlemen who do not know a war from a and who never have had to run a foot race with a or pluck arrows out of the several members of their families to build the evening camp fire with who write the appeals and about the flowing bowl folks who will never draw another sober breath till they do it in the grave who the agricultural papers you men as a general thing who fail in the poetry line novel line sensation drama line line and finally fall back on as a temporary from the poor house you men and things try to tell me anything about the newspaper business sir i have been through it from to and i tell you that the less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he heaven knows if i had but been ignorant instead of cultivated and impudent instead of i could have made a name for myself in this cold selfish world i take my leave sir since i have been treated as you have treated me i am perfectly willing to go but i have done my duty i have fulfilled my contract as far as i was permitted to do it i said i could make paper of interest to all classes and i have i said i could nm your circulation up to twenty thousand copies and if i had had two more weeks i d have done it and i d have given you the best class of readers that ever an al paper had not a farmer in it nor a solitary individual who tell a tree from a vine to save his life you are the by this e not me pie plant i then left best funny stories the and the hen by t an and a hen chanced to occupy adjacent apartments and the former complained loudly that her rest was bed by the of her neighbor why is it he finally asked the hen that you make such an intolerable noise the hen replied i have laid an egg oh no said the with a superior smile it is because you are a hen and don t know any better moral the moral of the foregoing is not very clear but it contains some reference to the agitation for female men and things jack and by charles as might have written it their they must fill in a brave jack and fair their they must fill at the top of the hill then she gives him a their they must fill in a they stumbled and fell and poor jack broke his forehead oh how he did yell they stumbled and fell and went down by jove it was horrid they stumbled and fell and poor jack broke his forehead best funny stories as might have written it the ring sheet of rain the trees the crashing kiss of lightning on the seas the moaning of the night wind on the that was a gentle ring breeze on such a night as this went and jack with strong and sturdy strides through black to find the hill s high top and water cold then toiling through the town to bear it back the water drawn they rest awhile sweet of then for jack from s red lips and then with arms they homeward go till mid the mad mud s jack slips sweet heaven draw a veil on his sad plight his cries and cracked the fright of gentle her wretchedness and wo kind drive thy and end this night men and things as might have written it i the personality of jack i love his dirty hands his tangled hair his each upon his hands i sing i chant to his hu shoulder blades also her i i of thought and tongue her up what s the matter with oh she s all right who s all right her golden hair her face her hard and hands so too her feet i see them in the evening when the sun the horizon and through the darkening forest are heard the of creatures of the night i see them climb the steep ascent in quest of water for their mother oh speaking of her i could the old lady if i had time she is simply immense but jack and are walking up the hill best	34
funny stories i didn t mean that rhyme i must watch them i love to watch their walk and wonder as i watch he stoop clumsy hide bound yet bearing his share of the one pound bucket as though it were a paper weight she erect standing her head holding but bearing not the bucket they have reached the spring they have filled the bucket have you heard the old bucket i will sing it of what countless patches is the bed of our life composed here a piece of lace a babe is bom the father is happy the mother is happy next black a off this mortal now satin with orange blossoms s wedding march an old shoe a broken carriage window the bride in sleeping here s a large piece of black cloth have you last words to say no do your work thus it is from grave to gay from lively to severe men and things i mourn the of my jack and i see them hill descending obstacles not t see them headlong the water from the a noise from lungs the shadows of the night descend on jack his with i love his cowardice because it is an attribute just like job s patience or solomon s wisdom and i love attributes i oriental sayings bt james an omen said the is a sign of the future blame not the omen but the future if the sign prove not true the younger nevertheless much depends on a man s one is bom in the desert and becomes a another is reared in the great city and books it is ben there are times when it is if not actually to kill the clerk of a surely thou dost not expect strangers to pay for thy books and surely thou would st not ask thy friends to buy them seek some other way of wealth through letters and let me know if thou it the poet some men borrow books some men steal books and others beg copies from the author ben men and things the truth is with him who rather than with them who only hear for while they trust to one sense alone he himself both the thing and it said also personal recollections of it sometimes that a thing of no value may lend value to its like the rock in a load of hay the misfortune sometimes gives us vision an young girl was carrying home twin of rare from the when one of them fell and was broken to pieces thereupon the girl wept bitterly saying i should not be so sorry were it mine own but that was my mother s how could st thou distinguish one from the other inquired a sympathetic by i could not sobbed the sweet child until it was broken of the only just war is that which happiness and profit to all concerned in it such a war is by a stately of which each end is the top el the elder a who sought to moderate the heat of the sun by putting his on ice best funny stories said well begun is half done i have cooled the anyhow wisdom if children were made before their parents family life would be different from what it is how to raise by an experienced egg are for self government that is why a cat may look at a king without blushing the lives of the people of are the in the world they are allowed to choose their own robbers the sage of the the soldier is the only wild animal that does not eat what he the judgment of sometimes a man doth wisely commit his work to another as when he his ship wrecked for the ance the business man s woman and logic by bell you cannot argue with the man under thirty five in fact i never argue with anybody either man or woman because women are not reasonable beings and men are too reasonable i never am willing to follow a chain of reasoning to its logical conclusion because if i do men can make me admit so many things that are not true i a alas how often have i picked my cautious way through three quarters of one only to sit down at the critical moment declaring i would not go another step and then to hear some man cry but you admitted all previous steps don t you know that this naturally must follow well perhaps it does follow only i don t believe it is true it may be very clever of the men to reason and perhaps i am very stupid not to be able to admit the truth of their conclusions but i feel like declaring with i d rather not know so much than to know so much that ain t so ao best funny stories the confiding peasant and the bear by a peasant had a bear a bear of manners pleasant and all the love she had to spare she on the peasant she proved her deep affection plainly the method was a bit the peasant had to dig and and as his class are apt to when all the blew at twelve he ate his lunch and too the bear a careful outlook keeping the while her master lay a sleeping as thus the peasant slept one day i the weather being i a beheld him where he lay and lit upon his forehead and thence like all such creatures proceeded over all his es men and things the watchful bear perceiving that the ut on her master resolved to light upon the and plunge him in disaster she saw no sense in being when stones lay round her most convenient and so a rock she aimed with much enthusiasm oh lor	34
the startled exclaimed and promptly had a a natural proceeding this was considering how close the miss was now by his dumb companion s pluck which caused the to so the sleeping man was greatly struck and by the also in fact his friends who him remarked they hardly recognized him of course the bear was greatly grieved but being just a dumb thing she only thought i was deceived but still i did hit something t which showed this masculine achievement had somewhat soothed her deep the moral if you prize your bones beware of females throwing stones best funny stories what he wanted it for by james m those who attended the sale of animals from s in the other day report the following occurrence a tiger was being offered the bidding ran up to forty five dollars this was made by a man who was a stranger and to him it was knocked down who had been the stranger uneasily during the bidding now went up to him and said pardon me for asking the question but will you tell me where you are from down south a bit responded the man are you connected with any show no and are you buying this animal for yourself yes shifted about uneasily for a moment looking alternately at the man and the tiger and evidently trying his best to reconcile the two together now young man he finally said you need not take this animal unless you want to for men and things there are those here who will take it off your hands i don t want to sell was the quiet reply then said in his desperation what on earth are you going to do with such an ugly beast if you have no show of your own and are not buying for some one who is a well i ll tell you said the my wife died about three weeks ago we had lived together for ten years and and i miss her he paused to wipe his eyes and steady his voice and then added so i ve bought this tiger i understand you said the great in a voice best funny stories etc by are older than adam man for very wise reasons want all other things were finished and pronounced good if man had bin made he would hav insisted upon the rest of the job he probably would hav to having little at all and various other would have bin offered equally green i am glad that man the last thing made if man hadn t hav bin made at all you would never hav heard me about it men and things by captain harry uncle joe an angel bore dear uncle joe to rest beyond the stars i miss him oh i miss him so he had such good cigars impetuous samuel sam had spirits naught could check and to day at breakfast he broke his baby sister s neck so he sha n t have jam for tea necessity late last night i my wife stretched her on the i was to take her life but i had to stop her best funny stories tender in one of his nice new fell in the fire and was burned to ashes now although the room grows chilly i haven t the heart to poor jim or the deferred luncheon party when the line he tried to cross the express ran into jim bitterly i his loss i was to have with him aunt in the drinking well which the built her aunt fell we must buy a baby baby in the fell see the grief on mother s brow mother loved her darling well darling s quite hard boiled by now i haven t the heart to poor men and things nonsense verses by mary there was a young lady named who worked in a store she had features fair and hair in a she was tightly in a white shirt waist and her mien was calm and proud and she talked to and nor glanced at the passing crowd she turned aside with a noble pride when once on a bargain day the queen with her crown in her velvet gown came timidly up her way and she said to it very sad is that one must so often see the vulgar show of them so low as the aristocracy best funny stories then she said to the queen with an air serene and a of her them s too cheap we don t never keep them kinds in this first class store the old maid op there was an old maid of who never stirred out of the house but she carried her cat in a basket for fear of meeting a mouse the the is a silly bird with scarcely any mind he often runs so very fast he leaves himself behind and when he gets there has to stand and hang about till night without a blessed thing to do until he comes in sight men and things the robin and the by a who had bored a multitude of holes in the body of a dead tree was asked by a robin to explain their purpose as yet in the infancy of science replied the i am quite unable to do so some affirm that i hide in these others maintain that i get worms out of them i endeavored for some time to reconcile the two theories but the worms ate my and then would not come out since then i have left science to work out its own problems while i work out the holes i hope the final decision may be in some way advantageous to me for at my nest i have a of prepared holes which i can hammer into some suitable tree at a moment s notice perhaps i could	34
then she said are you going to be a soldier always these wars are so long so long they last forever and ever and ever there was a glad flash in s eye as she cried this campaign will do all the really hard work that is in front of it in the next four days the rest of it will be oh far less bloody yes in four days france will gather another like the of and make her second long step toward freedom started and so did i then she gazed long at like one in a trance murmuring four days four days as if to herself and unconsciously finally she asked in a low voice that had something of awe in it tell me how is it that you know that do know i of arc yes said i know i know i shall strike and strike again and before the fourth day is finished i shall strike yet again she became silent we sat wondering and still this was for a whole minute she looking at the floor and her lips moving but uttering nothing then came these words but hardly audible and in a thousand years the english power in france will not rise up from that blow it made my flesh creep it was she was in a trance again i could see it just as she was that day in the pastures of when she about us boys in the war and afterward did not know that she had done it she was not conscious now but did not know that and so she said in a happy voice oh i believe it i believe it and i am so glad then you will come back and bide with us all your life long and we will love you so and so honor you a scarcely perceptible flitted across s face and the dreamy voice muttered before two years are sped i shall die a cruel death i sprang forward with a warning hand up that is why did not scream she was going to do that i saw it plainly then i whispered her to slip out of the place and say nothing of what had happened i said was asleep asleep and dreaming whispered back and said n oh i am so grateful that it is only a dream it sounded like prophecy and she was gone like prophecy i knew it was prophecy and i sat down crying as knowing we should lose her soon she started shivering slightly and came to herself and looked around and saw me crying there and jumped out of her chair and ran to me all in a whirl of sympathy and compassion and put her hand on my head and said my poor boy i what is it look up and tell me i had to tell her a lie i grieved to do it but there was no other way i picked up an old letter from my table written by heaven knows who about some matter heaven knows what and told her i had just gotten it from p re fronts and that in it it said the children s fairy tree had been down by some or other and i got no further she snatched the letter from my hand and searched it up and down and all over turning it this way and that and sobbing great sobs and the tears flowing down her cheeks and all the time oh cruel cruel how could any be so heartless ah poor f e de gone and we children loved it so show me the place where it says it and i still lying showed her the pretended fatal words on the pretended fatal page and she gazed at them through her tears and said she could see her i of arc self that they were hateful ugly words they had the very look of it then we heard a strong voice down the corridor announcing his majesty s messenger with for her the commander in chief of the armies of france chapter knew she had seen the vision of the tree but when i could not know doubtless before she had lately told the king to use her for that she had but one year left to work m it had not occurred to me at the time but the conviction came upon me now that at that time she had already seen the tree it had brought her a welcome message that was plain otherwise she could not have been so joyous and light hearted as she had been these latter days the death warning had nothing dismal about it for her no it was of exile it was leave to come home yes she had seen the tree no one had taken the prophecy to heart which she made to the king and for a good reason no doubt no one wanted to take it to heart all wanted to banish it away and forget it and all had succeeded and would go on to the end placid and comfortable all but me alone i must carry my awful secret without any to help me a heavy load a bitter burden and would cost me a daily heart break she was to die and so soon i had never dreamed of that how could i and she so strong and fresh and young and every of arc day earning a new right to a peaceful and honored old age for at that time i thought old age valuable i do not know why but i thought so all young people think it i believe they being ignorant and full of she had seen the tree all that miserable night those ancient verses went floating back and forth through my brain and	34
m exile we shall fainting for glimpse of rise upon our sight but at dawn the and the drums burst through the dreamy hush of the morning and it was turn out all mount and ride for there was red work to be done we marched to without halting there we carried the bridge by assault and left a force to hold it the rest of the army marching away next morning toward where the lion the terror of the french was in command when we arrived at that place the english retired into the castle and we sat down in the abandoned town was not at the moment present in person for he had gone away to watch for and welcome and his re of five thousand men placed her and the castle till night then some news came of france this long time in disgrace with the king largely because of the evil of la and his party was approaching with a large body of men to offer his services to and very much she needed them now that was so close by had wanted to join os before when we first marched on but the foolish king slave of those paltry of his warned him to keep his distance and refused all reconciliation with him i go into these details because they are important important because they lead up to the exhibition of a new gift in s extraordinary mental make up it is a sufficiently strange thing to find that great quality in an ignorant country girl of seventeen and a half but she had it was for receiving cordially and so was la hire and the two young and other chiefs but the lieutenant general d and opposed it he said he had absolute orders from the king to deny and defy and that if they were he would leave the army this would have been a heavy disaster indeed but set herself the task of persuading him that the salvation of france took of all minor things even the commands of a ass and she accomplished it she persuaded him to the king in the interest of the nation and to be reconciled to count and welcome him that was and of the highest and sort whatever thing men call great look for it in of arc and there you will find it of arc in the early morning june th the re the approach of and with s force then the drums beat to arms and we set forth to meet the english leaving and his troops behind to watch the castle of and keep its garrison at home by and by we came in sight of the enemy had tried to convince that it would be wisest to retreat and not risk a battle with at this time but the new among the english of the thus securing them against capture then be patient and wait wait for more from paris let her army with fruitless daily then at the right time fall upon her in mass and hen he was a wise old experienced general was but that fierce would hear of no delay he was in a rage over the punishment which the maid had inflicted upon him at and and he swore by god and saint george that he would have it out with her if he had to fight her all alone so yielded though he said they were now the loss of everything which the english had gained by so many years work and so many hard i the enemy had taken up a strong position and were waiting in order of battle with their to the front and a before them was coming on a messenger came from the english with a rude defiance and an of of arc battle but s dignity was not ruffled her bearing was not she said to the herald go back and say it is too late to meet to night but to morrow please god and our lady we will come to close quarters the night fell dark and rainy it was that sort of light steady rain which falls so softly and brings to one s spirit such serenity and peace about ten o clock d the of la hire of and two or three other came to our tent and sat down to discuss matters with some thought it was a pity that had declined battle some thought not then asked her why she had declined it she said there was more than one reason these english are ours they cannot get away from us wherefore there is no need to take risks as at other times the day was far spent it is good to have much time and the fair light of day when one s force is in a weakened state nine hundred of us yonder keeping the bridge of under the de fifteen hundred with the of france keeping the bridge and watching the castle of said i grieve for this but it cannot be helped and the case will be the same the morrow as to that was walking up and down just then she ac f t i large s x oc iu s n n that sir though er let be z ar u if these k n cr tr ae if t f y yes far gone n r et ac t it is f it reasons is of arc it will be the most and beneficent victory that god has vouchsafed to france at any time i pray you question me not as to whence or how i know this thing but be content that it is so there was pleasure in every face and conviction and high confidence a murmur of conversation broke out but was interrupted by a messenger from the who brought news namely	34
that for an hour there had been stir and movement in the english camp of a sort unusual at such a time and with a resting army he said had been sent under cover of the rain and darkness to inquire into j it they had just come back and reported that large bodies of men had been dimly made out who w ere stealthily away in the direction of the were very much surprised as any might tell from their faces it is a retreat said h it has that look said d on it certainly has observed the and la hire it was not to be expected said louis de but one can divine the purpose of it yes responded has reflected his rash brain has cooled he thinks to take the bridge of and escape to the other side of the river he knows that this leaves his garrison of at the mercy of fortune to escape our hands if it can but there is no other course if he of arc n would avoid this battle and that he also knows but he shall not get the bridge we will see to that yes said d on we must follow him and take care of that matter what of leave to me gentle duke i will have it in two hours and at no cost of blood it is true you will but need to deliver this news there and receive the surrender yes and i will be with you at the dawn the and his fifteen hundred and when knows that has fallen it will have an effect upon him by the mass cried la hire he will join his garrison to his army and break for paris then we shall have our bridge force with us again along with our and be stronger for our great day s work by four hundred able soldiers as was here promised within the hour verily this englishman is doing our errands for tis and saving us much blood and trouble orders give ns our orders they are simple let the men rest three hours longer at one o clock the advance will march under your command with of as second the second division will follow at two under the lieutenant general keep well in the rear of the enemy and see to it tliat you avoid an a arc ii l under x k work tr tr j h j t v i join y i i r t ii ut rd he p ir and we r j iii r ran r us a l t c i i f news the urn an the v r l i air being it he r men were ir a i be useless v r cut r easy j in c v n nevertheless his r c cr an arms and r r v i ol a s mark r c v v h he they plea but v k france again ten rt r j c were i our army r and nearly a hi t in en y of tr j was h i time before i i heard it n r c a tr r t given c f r v tj upon of arc engagement i will ride under guard to and make so quick work there that i and the of france will join you before dawn with his men she kept her word her guard mounted and we rode off through the rain taking with us a captured english officer to confirm s news we soon covered the journey and summoned the castle richard tin s lieutenant being convinced that he and his five hundred men were left helpless that it would be useless to try to hold out he could not expect easy terms yet granted them nevertheless his garrison could keep their horses and arms and carry away property to the value of a silver mark per man they could go whither they pleased but must not take arms against france again under ten days before dawn we were with our army again and with us the and nearly all his men for we left only a small garrison in castle we heard the dull of cannon to the front and knew that was beginning his attack on the bridge but some time before it was yet light the sound ceased and we heard it no more tin had sent a messenger through our lines under a safe conduct given by to tell of the surrender of course this had arrived ahead of us had held it wisdom to turn now and retreat upon paris when daylight came he had disappeared and with him lord scales and the garrison of what a harvest of english we had in those three days which had defied france with quite cool confidence and plenty of it until we came chapter xxx when the morning broke at last on that forever memorable of june there was no enemy anywhere as i have said but that did not trouble me i knew we should find and that we should strike him strike him the promised blow the one from which the english power in france would not rise up in a thousand years as had said in her trance the enemy had plunged into the wide plains of la a covered with bushes with here and there bodies of forest trees a region where an army would be hidden from view in a very little while we found the trail in the soft wet earth and followed	34
it it indicated an orderly march no confusion no panic but we had to be cautious in such a piece of country we could walk into an without any trouble therefore sent bodies of cavalry ahead under la hire and other captains to feel the way some of the other officers began to show uneasiness this sort of hide and go seek of arc business troubled them and made their confidence a little divined their state of mind and cried out name of god what would you we must these english and we will they shall not escape us though they were hung to the clouds we would get them by and by we were it was about a league away now at this time our feeling its way in the bush frightened a deer and it went bounding away and was out of sight in a moment then hardly a minute later a dull great shout went up in the distance toward it was the english they had been shut up in garrison so long on food that they could not keep their delight to themselves when this fine fresh meat came springing into their midst poor creature it had wrought damage to a nation which loved it well for the french knew where the english were now whereas the english had no suspicion of where the french were la hire halted where he was and sent back the tidings was radiant with joy the duke d said to her very well we have found them shall we fight them have you good spurs prince why will they make us run away en de these english are ours they are lost they will fly who over of arc takes them will need good spurs forward close by the time we had come up with la hire the english had discovered our presence s force was marching in three bodies first his advance guard then his then his battle corps a good way in the rear he was now out of the bush and in a fair open country he at once posted his his advance guard and five hundred picked along some hedges where the french would be obliged to pass and hoped to hold this position till his battle corps could come up sir john urged the battle corps into a gallop saw her opportunity and ordered la hire to advance which la hire promptly did his wild like a storm wind his customary fashion the duke and the wanted to follow but said not yet wait so they waited impatiently and in their but she was steady gazing straight before her measuring weighing calculating by shades minutes of minutes seconds with all her great soul present in eye and set of head and noble pose of body but patient steady master of herself master of herself and of the situation and yonder receding receding lifting and falling lifting and falling streamed the thunder of arc ing charge of la hire s crew la hire s great figure it and his sword stretched aloft like a oh satan and his see them got somebody muttered it in deep admiration and now he was closing up closing up on s rushing corps and now he struck it struck it hard and broke its order it lifted the duke and the in their to see it and they turned trembling with excitement to saying but she put up her hand stiu ss calculating and said again wait not yet s hard driven corps raged like an toward the m advance m suddenly these conceived the idea that it a in panic before and so in that it l e and away in a mad panic itself with t and cursing after it now was the golden time drove u k i j home and waved the advance with ts follow me she cried and bent her k horse s neck and sped like the wind we swept down into the confusion of art and for three long hours we cut and at last the sang v t t t the battle of was won of arc dismounted and of arc that awful field lost in thought presently she said the praise is to god he has smitten with a heavy h nd this day after a little she lifted her face and looking afar off said with the manner of one who is thinking aloud in a thousand years a thousand years the english power in france will not rise up from this blow she stood again a time thinking then she turned toward her and there was a glory in her face and a noble light in her eye and she said h friends friends do you know do you comprehend france is on ike way to be free and had never been but for of arc said la hire passing before her and bowing low the others following and doing likewise he muttering as he went i will say it though i be damned for it then after of our victorious army swung by wildly cheering and they shouted live forever maid of live forever while smiling stood at tlie salute with her sword this was not the last time i saw the maid of on the red field of toward the end of the day i came upon her where the dead and dying lay stretched all about in heaps and our men had wounded an english prisoner who was too poor to pay a and from a distance she had seen that cruel thing done and had galloped to the place and sent for a priest and now of arc she was holding the head of her dying enemy in her lap and him to his death with comforting soft words just as	34
his sister might have done and the womanly tears running down her face all the time lord of arc p says discovered this in the of of arc s page louis de who was probably an of the scene this is true it was a part of the testimony of the author of these personal recollections of of arc given by him in the proceedings of chapter had said true france was on the way to be free the war called the hundred years war was very sick to day sick on its english side for the very first time since its birth ninety one years gone by shall we judge battles by the numbers killed and the ruin wrought or shall we not rather judge them by the results which flowed from them any one will say that a battle is only truly great or small according to its results yes any one will grant that for it is the truth judged by results s place is with the few great and imposing battles that have been fought since the of the world first resorted to arms for the settlement of their quarrels so judged it is even possible that has no peer among that few just mentioned but stands alone as the of historic for when it began france lay gasping out the remnant of an exhausted life her case wholly hopeless in the view of all political when it ended three hours later she was and of arc ing requisite but time and ordinary nursing to bring her back to perfect health the physician of them all could see this and there was none to deny it many death sick nations have reached through a series of battles a procession of battles a weary tale of wasting stretching over years but only one has reached it in a single day and by a single battle that nation is france and that battle remember it and be proud of it for you are french and it is the fact in the long annals of your country there it stands with its head in the clouds and when you grow up you will go on pilgrimage to the field of and stand uncovered in the presence of what a monument with its head in the clouds yes for all nations in all times have built monuments on their to keep green the memory of the deed that was wrought there and of the name of him who wrought it and will france neglect and of arc not for long and will she build a monument to their rank as compared with the world s other fields and heroes perhaps if there be room for it under the arch of the sky but let us look back a little and consider certain strange and impressive facts the hundred years war began in it raged on and on year after year and year after year and at last england stretched france prone with that fearful blow at of art cr but she rose and on year after year and at last again she went down under another blow she gathered her crippled strength once more and the war raged on and on and still on year after year after children were born grew up married died the war raged on a r children in turn grew up married died the war raged on t mr children growing saw france struck down again this time under the incredible disaster of and still the war raged on year after year and in time children married in their turn france was a wreck a ruin a desolation the half of it belonged to england with none to dispute or deny the truth the other half belonged to nobody in three months would be flying the english flag the french king was making ready to throw away his crown and flee beyond the seas now came the ignorant maid out of her remote village and confronted this war this all that had swept the land for three generations then began the and most amazing campaign that is recorded in history in seven weeks it was finished in seven weeks she hopelessly crippled that gigantic war that was years old at she struck it a staggering blow on the field of she broke its back think of it yes one can do that but understand it ah that is another matter none will ever be able to comprehend that marvel r for r chapter the great news of was carried over of france in twenty hours people said i do not know as to that but one thing is sure anyway the moment a man got it he flew shouting and god and told his neighbor and that neighbor flew with it to the next and so on and so on without resting the word and when a man got it in the night at what hour he jumped out of his bed and bore the blessed sage along and the joy that went with it was like the light that flows across the land when an is receding from the face of the sun and indeed you may say that had lain in an this long time yes buried in a black gloom which these beneficent tidings were sweeping away now before the of their white splendor the news beat the flying enemy to and the town rose against its english masters and shut the gates against their brethren it flew to to saint and to this that and the other english fortress and the garrison applied the torch and took to the fields and the of arc woods a of our army occupied and it when we reached that town was as much as fifty times with joy than we had ever seen it before which is saying much night had just	34
call the people an epithet which carries contempt with it it is a strange attitude for at bottom we know that the throne which the people support stands and that when that support is removed nothing in this world can save it now then consider this fact and observe its importance whatever the parish priest believes his of arc flock believes they love him they him he is their their protector their in sorrow their in their day of need he has their whole confidence what he tells them to do that they will do with a blind and affectionate obedience let it cost what it may add these facts thoughtfully together and what is the sum this the parish priest the nation what is the king then if the parish priest withdraw his support and deny his authority merely a shadow and no king let him resign do you get that idea then let us proceed a priest is consecrated to his office by the awful hand of god j laid upon him by his appointed representative on earth that is final nothing can undo it nothing can remove it neither the pope nor any other power can strip the priest of his office god gave it and it is forever sacred and secure the dull parish knows all this to priest and parish is of god bears an office whose authority can no longer be disputed or assailed to the parish priest and to his subjects the nation an ng is a of a person who has been named for holy orders but has not been consecrated he has no office he has not been ordained another may be appointed in his place in a word an king is a king but if god him and his servant the bishop him the doubt is the priest and the parish are his loyal subjects ire way and while he lives they will no king but him to of arc the peasant charles was no king until he was crowned to her he was only the that is to say the heir if i have ever made her call him king it w as a mistake she called him the and nothing else until after the it shows you as in a mirror for was a mirror in which the lowly hosts of france were clearly reflected that to all that vast force called the people he was no king but only before his crowning and was and king after it now you understand what a colossal move on the political the was this by and by and tried to patch up his mistake by crowning his king but what good could that do none in the world speaking of s great acts may be to that game each move was made in its proper order and it was great and effective because it was made in its proper order and not out of it each at the time made the greatest move but the final result made them all as equally essential and equally important this is the game as played moves and check then moves the reconciliation but does not proclaim check it being a move for position and to take effect later of arc next she moves the check next the march check final move after her death the reconciled to the french king s elbow chapter p campaign of the had as good as opened the road to there was no sufficient reason now why the should not take place the would complete the mission which had received from heaven and then she would be forever done with war and would fly home to her mother and her sheep and never stir from the and happiness any more that was her dream and she could not rest she was so impatient to see it fulfilled she became so possessed with this matter that i began to lose faith in her two of her early death and of course when i found that faith wavering i encouraged it to all the more the king was afraid to start to because the road was mile posted english so to speak held them in light esteem and not things to be afraid of in the existing modified condition of english confidence and she was right as it turned out the march to was nothing but a holiday excursion did not even take any along she was so sure it would not be necessary we marched of arc from twelve thousand strong this was the th of june the maid rode by the side of the king on his other side was the duke d on after the duke followed three other princes of the blood after these followed the of the de and the admiral of france after these came la hire and a long procession of knights and we rested three days before the city the army and a waited upon the king but we did not enter the place saint opened its gates to the king on the th of july we reached saint and yonder lay before us a town which had a burning interest for us boys for we remembered how seven years before in the pastures of the came with his black flag and brought us the shameful news of the treaty of that treaty which gave france to england and a daughter of our royal line in marriage to the butcher of that poor town was not to blame of course yet we flushed hot with that old memory and hoped there would be a misunderstanding here for we dearly wanted to storm the place and burn it it was powerfully by english and and was expecting re from paris before night we before its gates and made rough work with a which marched out against us summoned to	34
surrender its com of arc seeing that she had no at the idea and sent her a insulting reply five days we consulted and no result the king was about to turn back now and give up he was afraid to go on leaving this strong place in his rear then la hire put in a word with a slap in it for some of his majesty s the maid of undertook this expedition of her own motion and it is my mind that it is her judgment that should be followed here and not that of any other let him be of whatsoever breed and standing he may there was wisdom and in that so the king sent for the maid and asked her how she the prospect looked she said without y tone of doubt or question in her voice in three days time the place is ours the put in a word now if we were sure of it we would wait here six days six days name of god man we will enter the gates to morrow v then she mounted and rode her lines crying out make preparation to your work friends to your work we assault at dawn she worked hard that night away with her o hands like a common soldier she ordered f and to be prepared and thrown into he thereby to bridge it and in this rough l she took a man s share of arc at dawn she took her place at the head of the force and the blew the assault at that moment a flag of was flung to the breeze from the walls and surrendered without firing a shot the next day the king with at his side and the bearing her banner entered the town in state at the head of the army and a goodly army it was now for it had been growing ever bigger and bigger from the first and now a curious thing happened by the terms of the treaty made with the town the garrison of english and were to be allowed to carry away their goods with them this was well for otherwise how would they buy the to live very these people were all to go out by the one gate and at the time set for them to depart we young fellows went to that gate along with the dwarf to see the presently here they came in an interminable file the foot soldiers in the lead as they approached one could see that each bore a burden of a bulk and weight to sorely tax his strength and we said among ourselves truly these folk are well off for poor common soldiers when they were come nearer what do yon think every rascal of them had a french prisoner on his back they were carrying away their goods you see their property strictly according to the permission granted by the treaty of arc now think how clever that was how ingenious what could a body say what could a body do for certainly these people were within their right these prisoners were property nobody could deny that my if those had been english conceive of the richness of that f for english prisoners had scarce and precious for a hundred years whereas it was a different matter with french prisoners they had been for a century the possessor of a french prisoner did not hold him long for as a rule but presently killed him to save the cost of his keep this shows you how small w as the value of such a possession in those times when we took i a calf was worth thirty a sheep sixteen a french prisoner eight it was an enormous price for those other animals a price which naturally seems incredible to you it was the war you see it worked two ways it made meat dear and prisoners cheap well here were these poor being carried off what could we do very little of a permanent sort but we did what we could we sent a messenger flying to and we and the french guards halted the procession for a to gain time you see a big lost his temper and swore a great oath that none should stop he would go and would take his prisoner with him but we blocked him off and he saw that he was about going he couldn t do it he ot arc exploded into the and then and his prisoner from his back stood him up all bound and helpless then drew his knife j and said to us with a light of sarcastic triumph in his eye i may not carry him away you say yet he is mine none will dispute it since i may not convey him hence this property of mine there is another way yes i can kill him not even the among you will question that right ah you had not thought of that that poor starved fellow begged us with his piteous eyes to save him then spoke and said he had a wife and little children at home think how it wrung our but what could we do the was within his right we could only beg and plead for the prisoner which we did and the enjoyed it he stayed his hand to hear more of it and laugh at it that stung then the dwarf said young let me him for when a matter requiring persuasion ts to the fore i have indeed a gift in that sort as any will tell you that know me well you smile and that is punishment for my vanity and fairly earned i grant it you still if i may toy a little just a little saying which he stepped to the and began a fair soft speech all of goodly and gentle	34
tenor and in the midst he mentioned the maid and was going on to say how she out of her good of arc heart would prize and praise this compassionate deed which he was about to it was as far as he got the burst into his smooth with an insult at of arc we sprang forward but the dwarf his face all livid brushed us aside and said in a most grave and earnest way i your patience am not i her guard of honor this is my affair and saying this he suddenly shot his right hand out and the great by the throat and so held him upright on his feet you have insulted the maid he said and the maid is france the tongue that does that a long one heard the muffled of bones the s eyes began to from their and stare with a leaden at the color deepened in his face and became an purple his hands hung down limp his body with a shiver every muscle relaxed its and ceased from its function the dwarf took away his hand and the column of sank to the ground we struck the bonds from the prisoner and told him he was free his crawling changed to frantic joy in a moment and his ghastly fear to a childish rage he flew at that dead corpse and kicked it in its face danced upon it crammed nd into its mouth laughing cursing and of arc forth and like a drunken it was a thing to be expected makes few saints many of the laughed others were indifferent none was surprised but presently in his mad the freed man within reach of the waiting file and another promptly slipped a knife through his neck and down he went with a his brilliant blood ten feet as straight and bright as a ray of light there was a great burst of jolly laughter all around from friend and foe alike and thus closed one of the incidents of my military life and now came hurrying and deeply troubled she considered the claim of the garrison then said you have right upon your side it is plain it was a careless word to put in the treaty and covers too much but ye may not take these poor men away they are french and i will not have it the king shall them every one wait till i send you word from him and hurt no hair of their heads for i teu you i who speak that that would cost you very dear that settled it the prisoners were safe for one while anyway then she rode back eagerly and required that thing of the king and would listen to no and no excuses so the king told her to have her way and she rode straight back and bought the free in his name and let them go chapter it was here that we saw again the grand master of the king s household in whose castle was finest when she at in those first days of her coming out of her own country she made i m of now by the king s permission and now we marched again surrendered us and there by in a talk being if she had no fears for the future said yes one treachery who could believe it who could it and yet in a sense it was prophecy man is a pitiful animal we marched marched kept on marching and at st on the i th of july we came in sight of our al and saw the great cathedral towers of r out of the distance after swept army from van to rear and as for of c there where she sat her horse gazing clothed all in white dreamy beautiful and in her face deep deep joy a joy not of earth oh she was t flesh she was a spirit her sublime mission was closing closing in triumph so ire morrow she could say it is finished me go free we and the hurry and rush and turmoil of the grand preparations began the and a great arrived and after these came flock after flock crowd after crowd of citizens and country folk in with and music and flowed over the camp one rejoicing after another everybody drunk with happiness and all night long was hard at work away the town building arches and clothing the ancient cathedral within and without in a glory of we moved in the morning the tion ceremonies would begin at nine and last five hours we were aware that the garrison of english and soldiers had given up all thought of resisting the maid and that we should find the gates standing open and the whole city ready to welcome us with enthusiasm j it w as a delicious morning brilliant with sunshine but cool and fresh and inspiring the army was in great form and fine to see as it from its fold by fold and stretched a on the final march of the peaceful campaign on her black horse with the lieutenant general and the personal staff about her took post for a final review and a good bye for she was not expecting to ever be a soldier again or ever serve with these or any other soldiers any more after of arc si this day the army knew this and believed it wa looking for the last time upon the girlish face of its invincible little chief its pet its pride its darling whom it had in its private heart with of its own creation calling her daughter of god of france victory s sweetheart the page of christ together with still softer titles which were simply and frank such as men are used to confer upon children whom they love and so one saw a new thing now	34
a thing bred of the emotion that was present there on both sides always before in the the had gone swinging by in a storm of cheers heads up and eyes the drums rolling the bands of victory but now there was nothing of that but for one impressive sound one could have closed his eyes and himself in a world of the dead that one ad was all that visited the ear in the summer witness just that one sound the muffled tread of the marching host as the masses drifted the men put their right hands up to their temples palms to the front in military salute turning their eyes upon s face in mute god and farewell and keeping them there while they could they still kept their hands up in salute many steps after they had passed by every time put her handkerchief to her eyes you could see a little quiver of emotion along the faces of the of arc the march past after a victory is a thing to drive the heart mad with but this one was a thing to break it we rode now to the king s lodging which was the s country palace and he was presently ready and we galloped and took position at the head of the army by this time the country people were arriving in multitudes from every direction and themselves on both sides of the road to get sight of just as had been done every day since our first day s march began our march now lay through the grassy plain and those made a dividing double border for that plain they stretched right down through it a broad belt of bright colors on each side of the road for every peasant girl and woman in it had a white jacket on her body and a crimson skirt on the rest of her endless borders made of and lilies stretching away in front of us that is what it looked like and that is the kind of lane we had been marching through all these days not a lane between flowers standing upright on their stems no these flowers were always kneeling kneeling these human flowers with their hands and faces lifted toward of arc and the grateful tears streaming down and all along those to the road her feet and kissed them and laid their wet cheeks fondly against them i never during all those days saw any of either sex stand while she passed nor any man keep his head of arc s afterwards in the great trial these touching scenes were used as a weapon against her she had been made an object of adoration by the people and this w as proof tliat she was a so claimed that unjust court as we drew near the city the long sweep of and towers was gay with fluttering flags and black with masses of people and all the air was with the crash of and with drifting clouds of smoke we entered the gates in state and moved in procession through the city with all the and in holiday costume marching in our rear with their and all the route was with a crush of people and all the windows were full and all the roofs and from the hung costly of rich colors and the waving of handkerchiefs seen in perspective through a long vista was hke a s name had been introduced into the prayers of the church an honor to but she had a dearer honor and an honor more to be proud of from a source the common people had had leaden struck which bore her and her and these they wore as charms one saw them everywhere from the s palace where we halted and where the king and were to lodge the king sent to the abbey church of which was over toward the gate by which we had entered of arc the city for the or of holy oil was not earthly oil it was made in heaven the also the with the oil in it was brought down from heaven by a dove it was sent down to st just as he was going to king who had become a christian i know this to be true i had known it long before for p re told me in i cannot tell you how strange and awful it made me feel when i saw that and knew i was looking with my own eyes upon a thing which had actually been in heaven a thing which had been seen by angels perhaps and by god himself of a certainty for he sent it and i was looking upon it i at one time i could have touched it but i was afraid for i could not know but that god had touched it it is most probable that he had from this had been and from it all the kings of france had been since yes ever since the time of and that was nine hundred years and so as i have said that of holy oil was sent for while we waited a without that would not have been a at all in my belief now in order to get the a most ancient had to be gone through with otherwise the of st hereditary guardian in of uie oil would not deliver it so in accordance with custom the king five great to ride in solemn state and richly armed and they and their to the abbey church as a guard of honor to the of and his who were to bear the king s demand for the oil when the five great lords were ready to start they knelt in a row and put up their hands before their faces palm joined to palm and swore upon their lives to conduct	34
the sacred vessel safely and safely restore it again to the church of st after the of the king the and his thus nobly escorted took their way to st the was in grand costume with his on his head and his cross in his hand at the door of st they halted and formed to receive the holy soon one heard the deep tones of the and of men then one saw a long file of lights approaching through the dim church and so came the in his bearing the with his people following after he delivered it with solemn ceremonies to the then the march back began and it was most impressive for it moved the whole way between two multitudes of men and women who lay flat upon their faces and prayed in dumb silence and dread while that awful thing went by that had been in heaven this august company arrived at the great west door of the cathedral and as the entered a noble rose and filled the vast building the cathedral was packed with people of arc people in thousands only a wide space down the had been kept free down this space walked the and his and after them followed those five stately figures in splendid harness each bearing his banner and riding oh that was a magnificent thing to see riding down the of the building through the rich lights streaming in long rays from the pictured windows oh there was never anything so grand they rode clear to the choir as much as four hundred feet from the door it was said then the dismissed them and they made deep till their touched their horses necks then made those proud and and dancing creatures go backwards all the way to the door which was pretty to see and graceful then they stood them on their hind feet and spun them around and plunged away and disappeared for some minutes there was a deep hush a waiting pause a silence so profound that it was as if all those packed thousands there were in slumber why you could even notice the faintest sounds like the drowsy of insects then came a mighty flood of rich strains from four hundred silver trumpets and then framed in the pointed of the great west door appeared and the king they advanced slowly side by side through a tempest of welcome explosion after explosion of cheers and cries mingled with the deep of arc of the organ and rolling tides of triumphant song from behind and the king came the with the banner displayed and a majestic figure he was and most proud and lofty in his bearing for he knew that the people were marking him and taking note of the gorgeous state dress which covered his at his side was the d for the of france bearing the sword of state after these in order of rank came a body attired representing the lay of france it consisted of three princes of the blood and la and the young de brothers these were followed by the representatives of the the of and the of and one other behind these came the grand staff all our great and famous names and everybody was eager to get a sight of them through all the din one could hear shouts all along that told you where two of them were live the of satan la hire forever the august procession reached its appointed place in time and the of the began they were long and imposing with prayers and and sermons and everything that is right for such occasions and was at the king s side all these hours with her standard in her hand but at last came the grand act the king took the oath of arc he was with the sacred oil a splendid personage followed by train and other attendants approached bearing the crown of france upon a cushion and kneeling offered it the king seemed to hesitate in fact did hesitate for he put out his hand and then stopped with it there in the air over the crown the fingers in the attitude of taking hold of it but that was for only a moment though a moment is a notable something when it stops the heart beat of twenty thousand people and makes them catch their breath yes only a moment then he caught s eye and she gave him a look with all the joy of her thankful great soul in it then he smiled and took the crown of france in his hand and right finely and right lifted it up and set it upon his head then what a crash there was all about us cries and cheers and the of the and groaning of the organ and outside the of the bells and the of the cannon the fantastic dream the incredible dream the impossible dream of the peasant child stood fulfilled the english power was broken the heir of france was crowned she was like one so divine was the joy that shone in her face as she sank to her knees at the king s feet and looked up at him through her tears her lips were quivering and her words came soft and low and broken h i now o gentle king is the pleasure of go of arc s accomplished according to his command that you to and receive the crown that of right to you and unto none other my work which was given me to do is finished give me your peace and let mc go back to my mother who is poor and old and has need of me the king raised her up and there before all that host he praised her great deeds in most noble terms and there he confirmed her nobility and titles	34
thing two men not kneeling but i standing in the front rank of the unconscious staring yes and clothed in the coarse garb of the these two sprang at them in a fury to teach them better manners but just as they seized them cried out forbear p and slid from her saddle and flung her arms about one of those calling him by all manner of names and sobbing for it was her father and the other was her uncle the news flew everywhere and shouts of welcome of arc were raised and in just one little moment those two despised and unknown were become famous and popular and envied and everybody was in a fever to get sight of them and be able to say all their lives long that they had seen the father of of arc and the brother of her mother how easy it was for her to do miracles like to this she was like the sun on whatsoever dim and humble object her rays fell that thing was straightway drowned in glory all graciously the king said bring them to me and she brought them she radiant with happiness and affection they trembling and scared with their caps in their shaking hands and there before all the world the king gave them his hand to kiss while the people gazed in envy and admiration and he said to old d arc give god thanks for that you are father to this child this of you who bear a name that will still live in the mouths of men when all the race of kings has been forgotten it is not meet that you bare your head before the fleeting and of a day cover yourself and truly he looked right fine and when he said that then he gave order that the of be brought and when he was come and stood bent low and bare the king said to him these two are guests of france and bade him use them of arc i may as well say now as later that papa d arc and were stopping in that little inn and that there they remained finer quarters were offered them by the also public distinctions and brave entertainment but they were frightened at these projects they being only humble and ignorant so they begged off and had peace they could not have enjoyed such things poor souls they did not even know what to do with their hands and it took all their attention to keep from treading on them the did the best he could in the circumstances he made the place a whole floor at their disposal and told him to provide everything they might desire and charge all to the city also the gave them a horse apiece and which so overwhelmed them with pride and delight and astonishment that they couldn t speak a word for in their lives they had never dreamed of wealth like this and could not believe at first that the horses were real and would not to a mist and blow away they could not their minds from those and were always the conversation out of its and dragging the matter of animals into it so that they could say my horse here and my horse there and yonder and all around and taste the words and their over them and spread their legs and their in their and feel as the good god feels when he looks out on his of of arc the awful of space and with satisfaction that they are his all his well they were the happiest old children one ever saw and the simplest the city gave a grand banquet to the king and in mid afternoon and to the court and the grand staff and about the middle of it p re d arc and were sent for but would not venture until it was promised that they might sit in a gallery and be all by themselves and see all that was to be seen and yet be and so they sat there and looked down upon the splendid spectacle and were moved till the tears ran down their cheeks to see the honors that were paid to their small darling and how na serene and she sat there with those beating upon her but at last her serenity was broken up yes it stood the strain of the king s gracious speech and of d s words and the s and even la hire s thunder blast which took the place by storm but at last as i have said they brought a force to bear which was too strong for her for at the close the king put up his hand to command silence and so waited with his hand up till every sound was dead and it was as if one could almost feel the stillness so profound it was then out of some remote corner of that vast place there rose a plaintive voice and in tones most tender and sweet and rich came floating through that en of arc hush our poor old simple song l le and then broke down and put her face in her hands and cried yes you see all in a moment the and dissolved away and she was a little child again her sheep with the tranquil pastures stretched about her and war and wounds and blood and death and the mad frenzy and turmoil of battle a dream ah that shows you the power of music that of who lifts his and says his mysterious word and all things real pass away and the of your mind walk before you clothed in flesh that was the king s invention that sweet and dear surprise indeed he had fine things hidden away in his nature though one seldom got a glimpse of them with that and those	34
others always standing in the light and he so content to save himself fuss and argument and let them have their way at the fall of m we the of the personal staff were with the father and uncle at the inn in their private parlor drinks and breaking ground for a homely talk about and the neighbors when a large parcel arrived from to be kept till she came and soon she came herself and sent her guard away saying she would take one of her father s rooms and sleep under his roof and so be at home again of the staff rose and stood as was meet until of arc made us sit then she turned and saw that the old men had gotten up too and were standing in an embarrassed and way which made her want to laugh but she kept it in as not wishing to hurt them aud got them to their seats and down between them and took a hand of each of them upon her knees and her own hands in them and said now we will have no more ceremony but be kin and as in other times for i am done with the great wars now and you two will take me home with you and i shall see she stopped and for a moment her happy face as if a doubt or a had flitted through her mind then it cleared again and she said with a passionate yearning oh if the day were but come and we could start the old father was surprised and said i why child are you in earnest would you i leave doing these wonders that make to be praised by everybody while there is still so glory to be won and would you go out from grand with princes and to be al again and a nobody it is not rational no said the uncle it is amazing tc hear and indeed not it is a stranger thing to hear her say she will stop the than it was to hear her say she would begin it and i who speak to you can say in all truth that that was the c t r aa hear i i t n if i t s v r r y r n fi ir ei z z i r i f h r e n x u of arc such a woman she and and and wakes nights and lies so thinking that is worrying worrying about you and when the night storms go raging along she and says ah god pity her she is out in this with her poor wet soldiers and when the and the thunder she her hands and saying it is like the a cannon and the flash and yonder somewhere she is riding down upon the guns and i not there to protect her ah poor mother it is pity it is pity yes a most strange woman as i have noticed a many times when there is news of a victory and ail the village goes mad with pride and joy she rushes here and there in a frenzy till she finds out the one only thing she cares to know that you are safe then down she goes on her knees in the dirt and praises god as long as there is any breath left in her body and all on your account for she never the battle once and always she says now it is over now france is saved now she will come home and always is disappointed and goes about mourning don t father it breaks my heart i will be so good to her when i get home i will do her work for her and be her comfort and she shall not suffer any more through me there was some more talk of this then uncle i said of arc you have done the will of god dear and are it is true and none may deny it but what of the king you are his best soldier what if he command you to stay that was a and sudden it took a moment or two to recover from the shock of it then she said quite simply and the king is my lord i am his servant she was silent and thoughtful a little while then she brightened up and said cheerily but let us drive such thoughts away this is no time for them tell me about home so the two old talked and talked talked about everything and everybody in the village and it was good to hear out of her kindness tried to get us into the conversation but that failed of course she was the commander in chief we were her name was the in france we were invisible she was the comrade of princes and heroes we of the humble and obscure she held rank above all personages and all whatsoever in the whole earth by right of bearing her commission direct from god to put it in one word she was of arc and when that is said all is said to us she was divine between her and us lay the abyss which that word we could not be familiar with her no you can see yourselves that that would have been impossible and yet she was so human too and so good and of arc kind and dear and loving and cheery and charming and and unaffected those are all the words i think of now but they are not enough no they are too few and and to tell it all or tell the half those simple old men didn t realize her they couldn t they had never known any people but human beings and so they had no other standard	34
to measure her by to them after their first little shyness had worn off she was just a girl that was all it was amazing it made one shiver sometimes to see how calm and easy and comfortable they were in her presence and hear them talk to her exactly as they would have talked to any other girl in france why that simple old sat up there and out the most tedious and empty tale one ever heard and neither he nor papa d arc ever gave a thought to the of the etiquette of it or ever suspected that that foolish tale was anything but dignified and valuable history there was not an of value in it and whilst they thought it distressing and pathetic it was in fact not pathetic at all but actually ridiculous at least it seemed so to me and it seems so yet indeed i know it was because it made laugh and the more sorrowful it got the more it made her laugh and the said that he could have laughed himself if she had not been there and said the same it was about old going to a funeral there at two or three weeks back of arc he had spots all over his face and hands and he got to rub some healing on them and while she was doing it and comforting him and trying to say pitying things to him he told her how it happened and first he asked her if she remembered that black bull calf that she left behind when she came away and she said indeed she did and he was a dear and she loved him so and was he well and just drowned him in questions about that creature and he said it was a young bull now and very and he was to bear a principal hand at a funeral and she said the bull and he said no myself but said the bull did take a hand but not because of his being invited for he wasn t but anyway he was away over beyond the fairy tree and fell asleep on the grass with his sunday funeral clothes on and a long black rag on his hat and hanging down his back and when he woke he saw by the sun how late it was and not a moment to lose and jumped up terribly worried and saw the young bull there and thought maybe he could ride part way on him and gain time so he tied a rope around the bull s body to hold on by and put a on him to steer with and jumped on and started but it was all new to the bull an i he was discontented with it and around and and reared and and uncle was satisfied and wanted to get off and go by the next bull or some other way that was but he didn t dare try and it was get of arc ting very warm for too and disturbing and wearisome and not proper for sunday but by and by the bull lost all his temper and went tearing down the slope with his tail in the air and in the most awful way and just in the edge of the village he knocked down some and the bees turned out and joined the excursion and along in a black cloud that nearly hid those other two from sight and them both and them and them and them and made them and shriek and shriek and and here they came roaring through the village like a and took the funeral procession right in the and sent that section of it and galloped over it and the rest scattered apart and fled in every direction every person with a of bees on him and not a rag of that funeral left but the corpse and finally the bull broke for the river and jumped in and when they uncle out he was nearly drowned and his face looked like a with in it and then he turned around this old and looked a long time in a dazed way at where she had her face in a cushion dying apparently and says what do you reckon she is laughing at and old d arc stood looking at her the same way sort of scratching his head but had to give it up and said he didn t know must have been something that happened when we weren t noticing of s yes of old people tale was pathetic to my mind it was and not in any way to any one it seemed so to me then and it seems so to me and as for it does not for the office of history is to serious and important facts that whereas this strange and useless event teaches nothing nothing that i can see except not to ride a to a funeral and sorely no reflecting person needs to be chapter now these were you know by decree of the king these precious old but they did not realize it they could not be called conscious of it it was an abstraction a phantom to them it had no substance their minds could not take hold of it no they did not bother about their nobility they lived in their horses the horses were solid they were visible facts and would make a mighty stir in presently something was said about the and old d arc said it was going to be a grand thing to be able to say when they got home that they were present in the very town itself when it happened looked troubled and said ah that reminds me you were here and you didn t send me word in the town indeed why you could have sat with the other and been welcome and could have	34
looked upon the crowning itself and carried that home to tell ah why did you use me so and send me no word the old father was embarrassed now quite visibly embarrassed and had the air of one who does not c of arc n quite know what to say but was looking up in his face her hands upon his shoulders waiting he had to speak so presently he drew her to his breast which was heaving with emotion and he said getting out his words with difficulty there hide your face child and let your old father humble himself and make his confession i i don t you see don t you understand i could not know that these would not turn your young head it would be only natural i might shame you before these great per father and then i was afraid as remembering that cruel thing i said once in my sinful anger oh appointed of god to be a soldier and the greatest in the land and in my ignorant anger i said i would drown you with my own hands if you yourself and brought shame to your name and family ah how could i ever have said it and you so good and dear and innocent i was afraid for i was guilty you understand it now my child and you forgive do you see even that poor groping old with his skull full of had pride isn t it wonderful and more he had conscience he had a sense of right and wrong such as it was he was able to feel remorse it looks impossible it looks incredible but it is not i believe that some day it will be found out that are people yes beings in a great many respects like ourselves and i believe that some day they will find this out of arc too and then then i think they will rise up and demand to be regarded as part of the race and that by there will be trouble whenever one sees in a book or in a king s those words the nation they bring before us tlie upper classes only those we know no other nation for us and the kings no other nation exists but from the day that i saw old d arc the peasant acting and feeling just as i should have acted and felt myself i have carried the in my heart that our are not merely animals beasts of burden put here by the good god to produce food and comfort for the nation but something more and better you look incredulous well that is your training it is the training of everybody but as for me i thank that incident for giving me a better light and i have never forgotten it let me see where was i one s mind around here and there and yonder when one is old i think i said comforted him certainly that is what she would do there was no need to say that she him and him and him and laid the memory of that old hard speech of his to rest laid it to rest until she should be dead then he would remember it again yes yes lord how those things sting and burn and the things which we did against the innocent dead i and we say in our anguish if they could only come back which is all very well to say i i but as far as i can see it doesn t profit anything in my opinion the best way is not to do the thing in the first place and i am not alone in this i have heard our two knights say the same thing and a there in no i it was at or one of those places it seems more as if it was at than the others this man s id the same thing exactly almost the same words a dark man with a cast in his eye and one leg shorter than the other his name was was it is that i can t call that man s name i had it in mind only a moment ago and i know it with no i don t remember what it begins witli but never mind let it go i will think of it presently and then i will tell you pretty soon the old father wanted to know how felt when she was in the thick of a battle the bright blades and flashing all around and the blows and on her shield blood on her from the ghastly face a i broken teeth of the neighbor at her elbow and perilous sudden back of horses f c n a person when the front ranks give way before rush of the enemy and men tumble limp groaning out of all around and battle ss falling from dead hands wipe across one s face hide the tossing turmoil a moment and in the i ling and swaying and laboring one s horse s hoofs sink into soft and shrieks of pain respond and presently panic rush i swarm of arc flight and death and hell following after and the old fellow got ever so much excited and strode up and down his tongue going like a mill asking question after question and never waiting for an answer and finally he stood up in the middle of the room and stepped off and her and said no i don t understand it you are so little so little and slender when you had your on to day it gave one a sort of notion of it but in these pretty and you are only a dainty page not a league war moving in clouds and darkness	34
and breathing smoke and thunder i would god i might see you at it and go tell your mother that would help her sleep poor thing here teach me the arts of the soldier that i may explain them to her and she did it she gave him a and put him through the manual of arms and made him do the steps too his marching was awkward and and so was his with the but he didn t know it and was wonderfully pleased with himself and excited and charmed with the ringing crisp words of command i am obliged to say that if looking proud and happy when one is marching were sufficient he would have been the perfect soldier and he wanted a lesson in sword play and got it but of course that was beyond him he was too old it was beautiful to see handle the of arc but the old was a bad failure he was afraid of the and and and scrambled like a woman who has lost her mind on account of the arrival of a bat he was of no good as an exhibition but if la hire had only come in that would have been another matter those two often j i saw them many times true was easily his master but it made a good show for all that for la hire was a grand what a swift creature was i you would see her standing erect with her ankle bones together and her foil arched over her head the in one hand and the button in the other the old general opposite bent forward left hand on his back his foil advanced slightly and his watching eye straight into hers and all of a sudden she would give a spring forward and back gain and there she was with the foil arched over her head as before la hire had been hit but all the spectator saw of it was a something like a flash of light in the air but nothing distinct nothing definite we kept the moving for that would p the and the landlord and old nd d arc got to feeling quite comfortable but being what you could call they got t the presents which they had been buying to carry humble things and cheap but they would fine there and welcome and they gave to p from fire and one from her mother of arc the one a little leaden image of the holy n the other half a yard of blue silk ribbon and she was as pleased as a child and touched too as one could see plainly enough yes she kissed those poor things over and over again as if they had been something costly and wonderful and she pinned the virgin on her and sent for her and tied the ribbon on that first one way then another then a new way then another new way and with each effort the on her hand and holding it off this way and that and her head to one side and then the other examining the effect as a bird does when it has got a new and she said she could almost wish she was going to the wars again for then she would fight with the better courage as having always with her something which her mother s touch had blessed old said he hoped she would go to the wars again but home first for that all the people there were cruel anxious to see her and so he went on they are proud of you dear yes than any village ever was of anybody before and indeed it is right and rational for it is the first time a village has ever had anybody like you to be proud of and call its own and it is strange and beautiful how they try to give your name to every creature that has a sex that is convenient it is but half a year since you began to be spoken of and left us and so it is surprising to see how many babies there rf arc are already in that r on that are named for you first it was just then it was then and now the next ones will have a lot of towns and the added of course yes and the animals the same they know how you love animals and so they try to do you honor and show their love for you by all those creatures after you that if a body should step out and call of arc come there would be a of cats and all such things each supposing it was the one wanted and all willing to take the benefit of the doubt anyway for the sake of the food that might be on delivery the you left behind the last you fetched home bears your name now and belongs to p re and is the pet and pride of the village and people have come miles to look at it and pet it and stare at it and wonder over it because it was of arc s cat everybody will tell you that and one day when a stranger threw a stone at it not knowing it was your cat the village rose against him as one man and hanged him and but for p re there was an interruption it was a messenger from the king bearing a note for which i read to her saying he had reflected and had consulted his other and was obliged to ask her to remain at the head of the army and withdraw her resignation also would she come immediately and attend a council of war straightway at a little of arc distance military commands and the of drums broke on the still night and we knew that	34
her guard was approaching deep disappointment clouded her face for just one moment and no more it passed and with it the girl and she was of arc commander in chief again and ready for duty chapter in my double quality of page and secretary i followed to the she entered that presence with the bearing of a grieved goddess what was become of the child that so lately was enchanted with a ribbon and with laughter over the of a foolish peasant who had a funeral on the back of a bee stung bull one may not guess simply it was gone and had left no sign she moved straight to the council table and stood her glance swept from face to face there and where it fell these it lit as with a torch those it as with a brand she knew where to strike she indicated the with a nod and said my business is not with you you have not a council of war then she turned toward the s council and continued no it is with you a council of war it is amazing there is but one thing to do and only one and lo ye call a council of war of war have no value but to decide between two or several doubtful courses but a council of war when there is only a beat and his ou among his i er co a council he what r v er eyes rested j and so she stood r in a i faces r v ver and all er l g thin t t one rational p v vn came the n r but he j v v vn ins of arc one course conceive of a man in a boat and his family in the water and he goes out among his friends to ask what he would better do a council of war name of god to determine what she stopped and turned till her eyes rested upon the face of la and so she stood silent measuring him the excitement in all faces burning steadily higher and higher and all beating faster and faster then she said with deliberation every sane man whose loyalty to his king is not a show and a pretence knows that there is but one rational thing before us the march upon paris r down came the fist of la hire with an crash upon the table la turned white with anger but he pulled himself firmly together and held his peace the king s lazy blood was stirred and his eye kindled finely for the spirit of war was away down in him somewhere and a frank bold speech always found it and made it waited to see if the chief minister might wish to defend his position but he was experienced and wise and not a man to waste his forces where the current was against him he would wait the king s private ear would be at his disposal by and by that pious fox the of france took the word now he washed his soft hands together smiling and said to would it be courteous your to of arc move abruptly from here without waiting for an answer from the duke of you may not know that we are with his and that there is likely to be a fortnight s between us and on his part a pledge to deliver paris into our hands without cost of a blow or the fatigue of a march thither turned to him and said gravely this is not a lord you were not obliged to expose that shame here the s face and he retorted shame what is there shameful about it answered in level tones one may describe it without hunting far for words i knew of this poor comedy my lord although it was not intended that i should know it is to the credit of the of it that they tried to conceal it this comedy whose text and impulse are in two words the spoke up with a fine irony in his manner indeed and will your be good enough to utter them cowardice and treachery i the fists of all the came down this time and again the king s eye sparkled with pleasure the sprang to his feet and appealed to his majesty i claim your protection but the king waved him to his seat again saying of arc f peace she had a right to be consulted before that thing was undertaken since it concerned war as well as politics it is but just that she be heard upon it now the sat down with indignation and remarked to out of charity i will consider that you did not know who devised this measure which you condemn in so candid language save your charity for another occasion my lord said as calmly as before whenever anything is done to injure the interests and the honor of france all but the dead know how to name the two in chief this it is not an my lord said placidly it is a charge i bring it against the king s chief minister and his both men were on their feet now that the king s frankness but he was not minded to do it his ordinary were stale water his spirit was drinking wine now and the taste of it was good he said sit and be patient what is fair for one must in be allowed the other consider and be just when have you two spared her what	34
dark charges and harsh names have yon withheld when you spoke of her then he added with a veiled twinkle in his eye if these are i see no particular difference between them except that she of arc sa her to your faces m you say yours her back he was pleased with that neat shot and the way it those two people up and made la hire out and the other softly and chuckle resumed from the first we have been by this policy of this fashion of and and where no is needed but only fighting we took on the th of may and could have cleared the region round about in three days and saved the slaughter of we could have been in six weeks ago and in paris now and would see the last englishman pass out of france in half a year but we struck no blow after but went off into the country what for to hold really to give time to send to which he did and had to be fought after more more waste of precious time oh my king i would that you would be persuaded she began to warm up now once more we have our opportunity if we rise and strike all is well bid me march upon paris in twenty days it shall be yours and in six months all france here is half a year s work before if this chance be wasted i give you twenty years to do it in speak the word o gentle king speak but the one mercy interrupted the of arc who saw a dangerous enthusiasm rising in the king s face march upon paris does your forget that the way with english your english and snapped her fingers scornfully whence have we marched in these last days from and whither to what between english what are they now french ones and they never cost a blow here applause broke out from the group of and had to pause a moment to let it yes english before us now french ones behind us what is the argument a child can read it the between us and paris are by no new breed of english but by the same breed as those others with the same fears the same the same weaknesses the same disposition to see the heavy hand of god descending upon them we have but to march on the instant and they are ours paris is ours france is ours give the word o my king command your servant to stay cried the it would be madness to put this upon his the duke of by the treaty which we have every hope to make with him oh the treaty which we hope to make with him he has scorned you for years and defied you is it your subtle that have softened his of arc manners and him to listen to proposals no it was blows f the blows which w gave him that is the only teaching that that sturdy rebel can understand what does he care for wind the treaty which we hope to make with him he deliver paris there is no in the land that is less able to do it he deliver paris ah but that would make great smile i oh the pitiful pretext the blind can see that this thin with its fifteen day has no purpose but to give to hurry forward his forces against us more treachery always treachery we call a council of war with nothing to council about but calls no council to teach him what our one course is he knows what he would do in our place he would his mid march upon paris o gentle king rouse the way is open paris france speak and we it is madness sheer madness your we cannot we must not go back from what we have done we have proposed to treat we treat with the duke of and we will f said ah how at the point of the lance p the house rose to a man all that had french hearts and let go a crash of applause and kept and in the midst of it one heard la hire out at the point of the lance by god of arc that is the music the king was up too and drew his sword and took it by the blade and strode to and delivered the of it into her hand saying there the king carry it to paris and so the applause burst out again and the historical council of war that has bred so many legends was over chapter it was away past midnight and had been a tremendous day in the matter of excitement and fatigue but that was no matter to when there was business on hand she did not think of bed the followed her to her official quarters and she delivered her orders to them as fast as she could talk and they sent them off to their different commands as fast as delivered wherefore the messengers galloping hither and thither raised a world of clatter and in the still streets and soon were added to this the music of distant and the roll of drums notes of preparation for the would break camp at dawn the were soon dismissed but i wasn t nor for it was my turn to work now walked the floor and dictated a summons to the duke of to lay down his arms and make peace and exchange with the king or if he must fight go fight the k de bon et s il de les it was of arc long but it was good and had the sterling ring to it it is my opinion that it was as fine and	34
simple and straightforward and eloquent a state paper as she ever uttered it was delivered into the hands of a and he galloped away with it then dismissed me and told me to go to the inn and stay and in the morning give to her father the parcel which she had left there it contained presents for the relatives and friends and a peasant dress which she had bought for herself she said she would say good bye to her father and uncle in the morning if it should still be their purpose to go instead of awhile to see the city i didn t say anything of course but i could have said that wild horses couldn t keep those men in that town half a day they waste the glory of being the first to carry the great news to the taxes forever and hear the bells and clatter and the people cheer and shout oh not they and and the were events which in a vague way these men understood to be colossal but they were colossal mists this was a gigantic reality when i got there do you suppose they were quite the reverse they and the rest were as mellow as mellow could be and the was doing his battles over in great style and the old were the building with their applause he was doing now and was bending his big w frame forward and laying out the and movements with a here and a there of his formidable sword on the floor and the were over with their hands on their spread knees with excited eyes and out of wonder and admiration all along here we were waiting waiting for the our horses and and dancing to get away we lying back on the till our bodies fairly to the rear the word rang out a t last go and we went went there was nothing like it ever seen we swept by of english the mere wind of our passage laid them flat in piles t d rows then we plunged into the of t s frantic battle corps and tore through it like leaving a of the dead stretch behind no no rein but c ri on on far yonder in the distance lay our prey and his host vast and dark a storm cloud brooding on the sea down we upon them all the air with a h pall of dead leaves flung up by the whirl of our flight in another moment we should have struck them as world strikes world when crash into the way but by misfortune and the inscrutable of god i was recognized turned white and shouting save yourselves it is the standard bearer of arc drove his spurs home till they met in the of arc middle of his horse s and fled the field with his multitudes at his back i could have cursed myself for not putting on a disguise i saw reproach in the eyes of her and was bitterly ashamed i had caused what seemed an disaster another might have gone aside to grieve as not seeing any way to mend it but i thank god i am not of those great occasions only summon as with a trumpet call the of my intellect i saw my opportunity in an instant in the next i was away through the woods i vanished like an extinguished light away around through the forest i sped as if on wings none knowing what was become of me none suspecting my design minute after minute passed on and on i flew on and still on and at last with a great cheer i flung my banner to the breeze and burst out n front of oh it was a mighty thought that chaos of distracted men whirled and backward like a wave which has struck a continent and the day was ours poor helpless creatures they were in a trap they were surrounded they could not escape to the rear for there was our army they could not escape to the front for there was i their hearts in their bodies their hands fell at their sides they stood still and at our leisure we them to a man all except and whom i saved and brought away one under each arm well there is no d it tiie p was in great form that t such such grace of gesture such of attitude such energy when be got going such rise on such sure wing nicely of voice according to weight of matter such calculated approaches to his surprises and such belief compelling sincerity of tone and manner such a peal from his lungs and such a lightning vivid picture of his form and banner when he burst out before that despairing army and oh the gentle art of the last of his la t sentence delivered in tlie careless nd indolent tone of one who has finished his real story and only adds a and de ta l because it has happened to occur to him in a la y way it was a marvel to see those innocent hy they went all to pieces with enthusiasm j and roared out fit to raise the roof and c the dead when they had cooled down at last and was silence but for the heaving and panting o d said as it seems to me you are an army in your single person yes that is what he is said he is a terror and not just in t his mere name carries a shudder with it to distant lands just his mere name and when he owns the shadow of it falls as far as rome and of arc the chickens go to an hour before time yes and some say you are preparing yourself for trouble i will say	34
just one word to you and it will be to your advantage to i saw that the usual thing had got a start no man could when it would end so i delivered s message and went off to bed made her good to those old fellows in the morning with loving embraces and many tears and with a packed multitude for and they rode proudly away on their precious horses to carry their great news home i had seen better i will say that for was a new art to them the moved out at dawn and took the road with bands and flying the second division followed at eight then came the and lost us the rest of that day and the whole of the next but was on hand and so they had their journey for their pains the rest of us took the road at dawn next morning july th and got how far six was getting in his sly work with the king you see the king stopped at st and prayed three days precious time lost for us precious time gained for he would know how to use it we could not go on without the king that would be to leave him in the camp of arc argued reasoned implored and at last we got under way again s was it was not a f campaign it was only another holiday excursion english lined our route they surrendered without a blow we them with and passed on was on the march against us with his new army by this time and on the th of july the hostile forces faced each other and made preparation for battle but s good judgment prevailed and he turned and retreated toward paris now was our chance our men were in great spirits will you believe it our poor stick of a king allowed his worthless to persuade him to start back for whence he had set out when we first marched for and the and we actually did start back the fifteen day had just been concluded with the duke of and we would go and at until he should deliver paris to us without a fight we marched to then the king changed his mind once more and with it his face toward paris dictated a letter to the citizens of to encourage them to keep heart in spite of the and promising to stand by them she furnished them the news herself that the king had made this and in speaking of it she was her usual frank self she said she was not satisfied with it and didn t know whether she would keep it or not that v of arc if she kept it it would be solely out of tenderness for the king s honor all french children know those famous words how they are de tr ve qui a t je ne pas con ten te et je ne si je la si je la ce pour du but in any case she said she would not allow the blood royal to be abused and would keep the army in good order and ready for work at the end of the poor child j to have to fight england and a french conspiracy all at the same time it was too bad she was a match for the others but a conspiracy ah nobody is a match for that when the victim that is to be injured is weak and willing it grieved her these troubled days to be so and delayed and baffled and at times she was sad and the tears lay near the surface once talking with her good old faithful friend and servant the of she said ah if it might but please god to let me put off this steel and go back to my father and my mother and tend my sheep again with my sister and my brothers who would be so glad to see me by the i th of august we were near later we had a brush with s rear guard and had hopes of a big battle on the morrow but and all his force got away in the night and went on toward paris charles sent and received the submission of arc i i i of the bishop that faithful friend and slave of the english was not able to prevent it though he did his best he was obscure then but his name was to travel round the globe presently and live forever in the curses of france bear with me now while i spit in fancy upon his grave s and hauled down the english flag on the th we two from turned and approached and took up a strong position we went against him but all our efforts to him out from his failed though he had promised us a in the open field night shut down let him look out for the morning t but in the morning he was gone again we entered the i th of august turning out the english garrison and our own flag on the d gave command to move upon paris the king and the were not satisfied with this and retired to which had just surrendered within a few days many strong places submitted saint sur la the english power was tumbling crash after crash and still the king and and was afraid of our movement against the capital on the th of august at saint in effect under the walls of paris of arc and still the king hung back and was aft aid if we could but have had him there to back us with his had lost heart and decided to resistance and go and his strength in the best and province remaining to him ah if we could only have persuaded the king to come	34
flags it stored its arms the disgrace of france was complete la wore the victor s crown of arc the was conquered chapter rs it was as i have said had paris and france in her grip and the hundred years war under her heel and the king made her open her fist and take away her foot now followed about eight months of drifting about with the king and his council and his gay and and dancing and and and and and court drifting from town to town and from castle to castle a life which was pleasant to us of the personal staff but not to however she only saw it she didn t live it the king did his best to make her happy and showed a most kind and constant anxiety in this matter all others had to go loaded with the chains of an court etiquette but she was free she was privileged so that she paid her duty to the king once a day and passed the pleasant word nothing further was required of her naturally then she made herself a and grieved the weary days through in her own apartments with her thoughts and for company and the planning of now forever un of arc military for entertainment in fancy she moved bodies of men from this and that and the other point so calculating the distances to be covered the time required for each body and the nature of the country to be traversed as to have them appear in sight of each other on a given day or at a given hour and for battle it was her only game her only relief from her burden of sorrow and she played it hour after hour as others play and lost herself in it and so got repose for her mind and healing for her heart she never complained of course it was not her way she was the sort that endure in silence but she was a eagle just the same and for the free air and the heights and the fierce joys of the storm france was full of soldiers ready for anything that might turn up several times at intervals when s dull grew too heavy to bear she was allowed to gather a troop of cavalry and make a health restoring dash against the enemy these things were like a bath to her spirits it was like old times there at saint le to see her lead assault after assault be driven back again and again but always rally and charge anew all in a blaze of eagerness and delight till at last the tempest of rained so thick that old d who was wounded of arc sounded the retreat for the king had charged him on his head to let no harm come to and away everybody rushed after him as he supposed but when he turned and looked there were we of the staff still away wherefore he rode back and urged her to come saying she was mad to stay there with only a dozen men her eye danced merrily and she turned upon him crying out a dozen men name of god i have fifty thousand and will never till this place is taken sound the charge which he did and over the walls we went and the fortress was ours old d thought her mind was wandering but all she meant was that she felt the might of fifty thousand men in her heart it was a fanciful expression but to my thinking truer word was never said then there was the affair near where we charged the through the open field four times the last time the best prize of it d the and pitiless of the region now and then other such affairs and at last away toward the end of may we were in the neighborhood of and resolved to go to the help of that place which was being by the duke of i had been wounded lately and was not able to ride without help but the good dwarf took me on behind him and i held on to him and was safe jam of arc enough we started at midnight in a dot n pour of warm rain and went slowly and softly and in dead silence for we had to slip through the enemy s lines we were only once we made no answer but held our breath and crept steadily and stealthily along and got through any accident about three or half past we reached just as the gray dawn was breaking in the east set to work at once and a plan with de captain of the city a plan for a toward evening against the enemy who was posted in three bodies on the other side of the in the level plain from our side one of the city gates communicated with a bridge the end of this bridge was defended on the other side of the river by one of those called a and this also commanded a raised road which stretched from its front across the plain to the village of a force of occupied j another was at couple of miles ad ve the raised road and a body f english was holding a mile and a half m it a kind of bow and arrow see the the the at the feather end of it at the t one end of the bow at the other s plan was to go straight per against carry it by assault then turn swiftly up to the right and capture that of arc then face to the and be camp in the same way to rear ready for heavy work for the duke of lay behind with a reserve s lieutenant with and the of the was to keep the english troops from coming up	34
appointment and guilty of no crime known to military law therefore she could not be detained upon any pretext if were proffered but day after day dragged by and no was offered i it seems incredible but it is true was that busy at the king s ear all we know is that the king was silent and made no offer and no effort in behalf of this poor girl who had done so much for him but unhappily there was alacrity enough in another quarter the news of the capture reached paris the day after it happened and the glad of arc and the world all the day and all the with the of their joy bells and the thankful thunder of their and the next day the general of the sent a message to the duke of requiring the delivery of the prisoner into the hands of the church to be tried as an the english had seen their opportunity and it was the english power that was really acting not the church the church was being used as a blind a disguise and for a forcible reason the church was not only able to take the life of of arc but to her influence and the breeding inspiration of her name whereas the english power could but kill her body that would not or destroy the influence of her name it would it and make it permanent of arc was the only power in france that the english did not despise the only power in france that they considered formidable if the church could be brought to take her life or to proclaim her an a a witch sent from satan not from heaven it was believed that the english could be at once the duke of listened but waited he could not doubt that the french king or the french people would come for presently and pay a higher price than the english he kept a close prisoner in a strong fortress and continued to wait week after week he was a french prince i of arc d was at heart ashamed to sell her to the english yet with all his waiting no offer came to him from the french side one day played a cunning trick on her and not only slipped out of her prison but locked him up in it but as she fled away she was seen by a and was caught and brought back then she was sent to a stronger castle this was early in august and she had been in more than two months now here she was shut up in the top of a tower which was sixty feet high she ate her heart there for another long stretch about three months and a half and she was aware all these weary five months of that the english under cover of the church were for her as one would for a horse or a slave and that france was silent the king silent all her friends the same yes it was pitiful and yet when she heard at last that was being closely and likely to be captured and that the enemy had declared that no of it should escape not even children of seven years of age she was in a fever at once to fly to our rescue so she tore her bed clothes to and tied them together and descended this frail rope in the night and it broke and she fell and was badly bruised and remained three days insensible meantime neither eating nor drink ing and now came relief to us led by the count of a me and was saved and the siege raised this was a disaster to the of he had to have money it was a good time for a new bid to be made for ol arc the english at once sent a french bishop that forever infamous of he was partly promised the o which was vacant if he should succeed he claimed the right to over s trial because tlie battle ground where she was taken was within his by the military usage of the time the of royal prince was of gold which is a fixed sum you see it must be accepted when offered it could not be refused brought the offer of this very sum from the a royal prince s for the poor little peasant girl of it shows in a striking way the english idea of her formidable importance it was accepted for that sum of arc the of france was sold sold to her enemies to the enemies of her country enemies who had lashed and and and france for a century and made holiday sport of it enemies who had forgotten years and years ago what a frenchman s face was like so used were they to seeing nothing but his back enemies whom she had whipped whom she had whom she had taught to respect french new born in her nation by the breath of her as u of arc i i i the french king and nothing not a spirit enemies who for her life as being the only able to stand between english triumph and french degradation sold to a french priest by a french prince with and the french nation standing saying nothing and she what did she say reproach passed her lips she was too great for that she was of arc and when that is said all is said as a soldier her record was she could not be called to account for anything under that head a must be found and as we have seen was found she must be tried by priests for crimes against religion if none could be discovered some must be invented let the alone to contrive those was chosen as the scene of the trial it was in	34
the heart of the english power its population had been under english dominion so many generations tliat they were hardly french now save in language the place was strongly was taken there near the end of december and flung into a yes and clothed in chains that free spirit still france made no move how do i account for this i think there is only one way you will remember that whenever was not at the front the french held back and ventured nothing that whenever she led they swept everything before of arc them so long as they could see her white or her banner that every time she fell wounded or was reported killed as at they broke in panic and fled like sheep i argue from this that they had undergone no real as yet that at bottom they were still under the spell of a born of generations of and a lack of confidence in each other and in their leaders born of old and bitter experience in the way of of all sorts for their kings had been treacherous to their great and to their and these in turn were treacherous to the head of the state and to each other the found that they could depend utterly on and upon her alone with her gone ever was gone she was the sun that melted the frozen torrents and set them boiling with that sun removed they again and the army and all france became what they had been before mere dead that and nothing more incapable of thought hope ambition or motion i a y wound gave me a great deal of trouble clear into the first part of october then the renewed my life and strength all this time there were reports drifting about that the king wa s going to i believed these for i wa s young and had not yet found out the meanness of our poor human race which bout itself so much and thinks it is better and h than the other animals in october i was well enough to go out with two and in the second one on the d i was bounded again my luck had turned you see on night of the th the and the disorder and confusion one of their prisoners and got safe into and my room as pallid and pathetic an object as y xi would wish to see what alive t was indeed he it was a most joyful meeting t you will easily know and also as sad as it was j ul we could not speak s name one s ice would have broken down we knew who was i s of arc meant when she was mentioned we could say she and but we could not speak the we talked of the personal staff old d w and a prisoner was still with and serving her by permission of the duke of was being treated with the respect due to her rank and to her character as a prisoner of war taken in honorable conflict and this was continued as we learned later until she fell into the hands of that of satan bishop of was full of noble and affectionate praises and of our old big standard bearer now gone silent forever his real and imaginary battles all fought his work done his closed and completed and think of his burst out with his eyes f of tears always the pet child of luck see how it followed him and stayed by him from his first step all through in the field or out of it always a splendid figure in the public eye and envied everywhere always having a chance to do fine things and always doing them in the beginning called the in joke and called it afterward in earnest because he made the title good and at last luck of all died in the field t died with his harness on died faithful to his charge the standard in his hand died oh think of it with the eye i i of arc o n of arc upon him he drained the cup of y to the last drop and went to his pe ce spared all part in the disaster which was to follow what luck what luck and we what was our sin that we are still here we who ha v c also earned our place with the happy dead presently he said they tore the sacred standard from his dead d and carried it away their most precious prize aft r its captured owner but they haven t it now a x t ago we put our lives upon the risk our two good knights my v and i and stole it and got it by hands to or and there it is now safe for all time in the x was glad and grateful to learn that i have se ti it often since when i have gone to on of may to be the old guest of the and hold the first place of honor at the ts and in the i mean since s passed from this life it will still be there guarded by french love a thousand years now yes as long as any of it hangs to it remained there three hundred and years and then was de i t m a public together with two swords a cap al suits of state and other relics of the maid by a mob in time of the revolution nothing which the hand of of arc h vm to have touched now remains in existence except a few e military and state papers which she signed her pen being ed by a or her secretary louis de a exists of arc two or three weeks after	34
a clergyman of like and great fame here and there and yonder until he was able to a formidable court half a hundred distinguished names french names they were but their interests and sympathies were english a great officer of the was also sent from paris for the accused must be tried by the forms of the but this was a brave and righteous man and he said that this court had no power to try the case wherefore he refused to act and the same honest talk was uttered by two or three others the was right the case as here against had already been tried long ago at and decided in her favor yes and by a higher than this one for at the head of it was an he of s own so here you see a lower court was preparing to re try and re decide a cause which had already been decided by its superior a court of higher authority imagine it no the case could not properly be tried again could not properly in this new court for more than one reason was not in his had not been arrested in her of arc m which was still and finally this proposed judge was the prisoner s enemy and therefore he was to tr her yet all large difficulties w re gotten rid of the chapter of granted letters to though only after a struggle and under force s also applied to the and he was obliged to submit so then the little english king by his representative formally delivered into the hands of the court but with this if court i condemn her fu was io have her back again ah dear what chance was there for that forsaken and child indeed it is the right word for she was in a black with half a dozen common soldiers keeping guard night and day in the room where her cage was for she was in a cage an iron cage and chained to her bed by neck and hands and feet never a person near her whom she had ever seen before never a woman at all yes this was indeed now it was a of de who captured at and it was who sold her to the duke of yet this very de was enough to go and show his face to in her cage he came with two english and he was a poor he told her he would get her set m of arc free if she would promise not to fight the english any more she had been in that cage a long time but not long enough to break her spirit she retorted scornfully name of god you but mock me i know that you have neither the power nor the will to do it he insisted then the pride and dignity of the soldier rose in and she lifted her chained hands and let them fall with a clash saying see these they know more than you and can better know that the english are going to kill me for they think that when i am dead they can get the kingdom of france it is not so though there were a hundred thousand of them they would never get it this defiance and he now think of it he a free strong man she a chained and helpless girl he drew his dagger and flung himself at her to her but seized him and held him back was take her life in that way send her to heaven and it would make her the idol of france and the whole nation would rise and march to victory and under the inspiration of her spirit no she must be saved for another fate than that well the time was approaching for the great trial for more than two months had been and everywhere for any odds and ends of evidence or suspicion or conjecture that of arc might be made against and carefully all evidence that came to hand in her favor he had ways and means and powers at his disposal for preparing and tlie case for the and he used them all but had no one to prepare her case for her and she was shut up in those stone walls and had no friend to appeal to for help and as for witnesses she could not call a single one in her they were all far away under the french flag and this was an english court they would have been seized and hanged if they had shown their faces at the gates of no the prisoner must be the witness witness for the witness for the and with a verdict of death resolved upon before the doors were opened for the court s first sitting when she learned that the court was made up of in the interest of the english she begged that in an equal number of priests of the french party should be added to these at her message and would not even to answer it by the law of the church she being a minor under twenty one it was her right to have counsel to conduct her case advise her how to answer when questioned and protect her from falling into traps set by cunning devices of the she probably did not know that this was her right and that she could demand it and require it for there m ire was none to tell her that but she begged for this help at any rate refused it she urged and implored pleading her youth and her ignorance of the and of the law and of legal refused again and said she must get along with her case as best she might by herself ah his heart was a stone prepared the verbal i will that by calling	34
it the bill of particulars it a detailed list of the charges against her and formed the basis of the trial charges it was a list of suspicions and public those were the words used it was merely charged that she was suspected of having been guilty of and other such against religion ill now by law of the church a trial of that sort could not be begun until a searching inquiry had been made into the history and character of the accused and it was essential that the result of this inquiry be added to ih verbal and form a part of it you remember that that was the first thing they did before the trial at they did it again now an was sent to there and all about the neighborhood he made an search into s history and character and came back with his verdict it was very clear the reported that he found s character to be in every way what he would like his own sister s character to be just about the same report that was brought back to ire you see s was a character which could endure the examination this verdict was a strong point for you will say yes it would have been if it could have seen the light but was awake and it disappeared from the verbal before the trial people were prudent enough not to inquire what became of it one would imagine that was ready to begin the trial by this time but no he devised one more scheme for poor s destruction and it promised to be a deadly one one of the great personages picked out and sent down by the university of paris was an named he was tall handsome grave of smooth soft speech and courteous and winning manners there was no seeming of treachery or about him yet he was full of both he was admitted to s prison by disguised as a he pretended to be from her own country he professed to be secretly a he revealed the fact that he was a priest she was filled with to see one from the hills and plains that were so dear to her happier still to look upon a priest and her heart in confession for the offices of the church were the bread of life the breath of her nostrils to her and she had been long forced to pine for them in vain she opened her whole innocent heart to this creature and in return he gave her advice concerning her trial which of arc could have destroyed her if her deep native wisdom had not protected her against following it you will ask what value could this scheme have since the secrets of the are sacred and cannot be revealed true but suppose another person should them that person is not bound to keep the secret well that is what happened had previously caused a hole to be bored through the wall and he stood with his ear to that hole and heard all it is pitiful to think of these things one wonders how they could treat that poor child so she had not done them any harm chapter iv on tuesday the th of february while i sat at my master s work in the evening he came in looking sad and said it had decided to begin the trial at eight o clock the next morning and i must get ready to assist him of course i had been expecting such news every day for many days but no matter the shock of it almost took my breath away and set me trembling like a leaf i suppose that without knowing it i had been half imagining that at the last moment something would happen something that would stop this fatal trial maybe that la hire would burst in at the gates with his at his back maybe that god would have pity and stretch forth his mighty hand but now now there was no hope the trial was to begin in the chapel of the fortress and would be public so i went away and told so that he might be there early and secure a place it would give him a chance to look again upon the face which we so and which was so precious to us all the way both going and coming i through chattering and rejoicing of arc multitudes of english and english hearted french citizens there was no talk but of the coming event many times i heard the remark accompanied by a pitiless laugh j the fat bishop has got things as he wants them at last and says he will lead the vile witch a merry dance and a short one but here and there i compassion and distress in a face and it was not always a french one english soldiers feared but they admired her for her great deeds and her spirit in the morning and i went early yet as we approached the vast fortress we found crowds of men already there and still others gathering the chapel was already full and the way barred against further of persons we took our appointed places on high sat the president bishop of in his grand robes and before him in rows sat his court fifty distinguished men of high degree in the church of clear cut intellectual faces men of deep learning in and of traps for ignorant minds and feet when i looked around upon this army of masters of legal fence gathered here to find just one verdict and no other and remembered that must fight for her good name and her life single handed against them i asked myself what chance an ignorant poor country girl of arc i i of nineteen could have in such an unequal and my heart sank down low very	34
low when an looked again at that president puffing there his great w ith each breath and noted his fold above fold and his and and his purple and complexion lis repulsive nose and his cold eyes a brute every detail of him heart sank lower still and when i noted that u were afraid of this man and shrank and in their seats when his eye smote theirs my last poor ray of hope dissolved away and wholly disappeared there was one seat in this place and only one it was over against the wall in view of every one it was a httle wooden bench without a back and it stood apart and solitary on a sort of tall men at arms in and steel stood as stiff as their ow n on each side of this but no other creature was near by it a pathetic little bench to me it was for i knew whom it was for and the sight of it carried my mind back to the great court at where sat upon one like it and calmly fought her cunning fight with the astonished doctors of the church and parliament and rose from it victorious and applauded by all and went forth to fill the world w ith the glory of her name what a dainty little figure she was and how gentle and innocent how winning and beautiful in the fresh co of arc loom of her seventeen years those were grand and so recent for she was but just nine n now and how much she had seen since and wonders she had accomplished it now oh all was changed now she had d in away from light and j ce i ii q cheer of friendly faces for nearly s of a year she born child of the sun comrade of the birds and of all happy free she would be weary now and worn with this long her forces perhaps as knowing there was no hope yes all was changed all this time there had been a muffled hum of conversation and rustling of robes and of feet on the floor a combination of dull noises which filled all the place suddenly produce the accused it made me catch my breath my heart began to like a hammer but there was silence now silence absolute all those noises ceased and it was as if they had never been not a sound the stillness grew oppressive it was like a weight upon one all faces were turned toward the door and one could properly expect that for most of the people there suddenly realized no doubt that they were about to see in actual flesh and blood what had been to them before only an embodied a word a phrase a world name the stillness continued then far down the of arc stone paved one heard a vague slow sound approaching of arc of france in chains my head swam all things whirled and spun about me ah was too chapter v i give you my honor now that i am not going to or the facts of this miserable trial no i will give them to you honestly detail by detail just as and i set them down daily in the official record of the court and just as one may read them in the printed histories there will be only this difference that in talking familiarly with you i shall use my right to comment upon the proceedings and explain them as i go along so that you can understand them better also i shall throw in trifles which came under our eyes and have a certain interest for you and me but were not important enough to go into the official record to take up my story now where i left off we heard the of s chains down the she was approaching presently she appeared a thrill swept the house and one heard deep drawn two followed her at a short distance to the rear her he kept his word his account of the great trial will be found to be in strict and detailed accordance with the sworn facts of history of arc head was bowed a little and she moved slowly she being weak and her irons heavy she had on men s attire all black a soft stuff intensely black black not a speck of color in it from her throat to the floor a wide collar of this same black stuff lay in folds upon her shoulders and breast the sleeves of her were full down to the elbows and tight thence to her wrists below the tight black down to the chains on her ankles half way to her bench she stopped just where a wide shaft of light fell from a window and slowly lifted her face another thrill it was totally white as snow a face of gleaming snow set in vivid contrast upon that slender statue of black it was smooth and pure and girlish beautiful beyond belief infinitely sad and sweet but dear dear when the of those eyes fell upon that judge and the vanished from her form and it up and noble my heart leaped for j and i said all is well all is well have oat br ii her they have not conquered her he n rf arc still yes it was plain to mc was one spirit there which this dreaded k j m not nor make afraid she moved o her place and d aod seated herself ib on her o m ber l a t into her lap and f her im i j then she waited h so y u jn of arc there who seemed unmoved and a and english soldier standing at martial ease in the front rank of the	34
citizen spectators did now most gallantly and respectfully put up his great hand and give her the military salute and she smiling friendly put up hers and returned it there was a sympathetic little break of applause which the judge sternly silenced now the memorable called in history the great trial began fifty against a and no one to help the the judge the circumstances of the case and the public reports and suspicions upon which it was based then he required to kneel and make oath that she would answer with exact to all questions asked her s mind was not asleep it suspected that dangerous possibilities might lie hidden under this apparently fair and reasonable demand she answered with the simplicity which so often spoiled the enemy s best laid plans in the trial at and said no for i do not know what you are going to ask me you might ask of me things which i would not tell you this the courts and brought out a brisk of angry exclamations was not disturbed raised his voice and began to speak in the midst of this noise he was so angry that he could hardly get his word i out he said of arc with the divine assistance of our lord we require you to these proceedings for the welfare of your conscience swear with your hands upon the that you will answer true to the questions which shall be asked you and he brought down his fat hand with a crash upon his official table said with composure as concerning my father and mother and the faith and what things i have done since my coming into france i will gladly answer but as regards the revelations which i have received from god my voices have forbidden me to confide them to any save my king here there was another angry outburst of threats and and much movement and confusion so she had to stop and wait for the noise to then her face flushed a little and she straightened up and fixed her eye on the judge and finished her sentence in a voice that had the old ring in it and i will never reveal these things though you cut my head off well maybe you know what a body of is like the judge and half the court were on their feet in a moment and all shaking their fists at the prisoner and all and at once so that you could hardly hear yourself think they kept this up several minutes and because sat and indifferent they of arc grew and all the time once she said with a fleeting trace of the old time mischief in her eye and manner speak one at a time fair lords then i will answer all of h at the end of three whole hours of furious d over the oath the situation had not changed a the bishop was still requiring an oath was refusing for the twentieth time to take any except the one which she had herself proposed there was a physical change apparent but it was confined to court and judge they were hoarse j exhausted by their long frenzy and had a sort of haggard look in their faces poor men whereas was still placid and and did not seem tired the noise down there was a waiting pause of some moments duration then the judge surrendered to the prisoner and with bitterness in his voice told her to take the oath after her fashion sunk at once to her knees and as she laid her hands upon the that big soldier set free his mind by god if she were but english she were not this place another half a second i it was the soldier in him to the soldier in her but what a rebuke it was what an of french character and french would that he could have uttered just that one phrase in the hearing of i know that that i of arc grateful city that city would have risen to the last man and the last woman and marched upon some speeches speeches that shame a man and humble him burn themselves into the memory and remain there that one is burned into mine after had made oath asked her her name and where she was born and some questions about her family also what her age was she answered these then he asked her how much education she had i have learned from my mother the the ave maria and the belief all that i know was taught me by my mother questions of this sort on for a considerable time everybody was tired out by now except the prepared to rise at this point forbade to try to escape from prison upon pain of being held guilty of the crime of singular logic she answered simply i am not bound by this if i could escape i would not reproach myself for i have given no promise and i shall not then she complained of the burden of her chains and asked that they might be removed for she was strongly guarded in that and there was no need of them but the bishop refused and reminded her that had broken out of prison twice before of arc was too proud to insist she only said as she rose to go with the guard of arc it is true i have wanted to escape and i do want to escape then she added in a way that would touch the pity of anybody i think it is the right of every prisoner and so she went from the place in the midst of an impressive stillness which made the and more to me the of those pathetic chains what presence of mind she had one could never surprise her out of it	34
she saw and me there when she first took her seat on her bench and we flushed to the forehead with excitement and emotion but her face showed nothing betrayed nothing her eyes sought us fifty times that day but they passed on and there was never any ray of recognition in them another would have started upon seeing us and then why then there could have been trouble for us of course we walked slowly home together each busy with his own grief and saying not a word chapter vi that night told me that all through the day s proceedings had had some clerks concealed in the of a window who were to make a special report s answers and twisting them from their right meaning ah that was surely the man and the most that has lived in this world but his scheme failed those clerks had human hearts in them and their base work them and they turned to and boldly made a straight report whereupon cursed them and ordered them out of his presence with a threat of drowning which was his favorite and most frequent menace the matter had gotten abroad and was making great and unpleasant talk and would not try to repeat this shabby game right away it comforted me to hear that when we arrived at the next morning we found that a change had been made the chapel had been found too small the court had now removed to a noble chamber situated at the end of the great hall of the castle the number of judges was s of increased to sixty two one ignorant girl against such odds and none to help her the prisoner was brought in she was as white as ever but she was looking no whit w than she looked when she had first appeared the day before isn t it a strange thing yesterday she had sat five hours on that bench with her chains in her lap persecuted by that crew without even the refreshment of a cup of water for she was never offered anything and if i have made you know her by this time you will know without my telling you that she was not a person likely to ask of those people and she had spent the night in her wintry with her chains upon yet here she was as i say collected j and ready for the conflict yes and the only person there who showed no signs of the wear and worry of yesterday and her eyes ah you should have seen them and broken your hearts have you seen that veiled deep glow that pathetic hurt dignity that and spirit that burns and in the eye of a eagle and makes you feel mean and shabby under the burden of its mute reproach her eyes were like that how capable they were and how wonderful yes at all times and in all circumstances they could express as by print every shade of the wide range of her moods in them were hidden floods of gay the and and storms and job of axe f i not in love e list were to such is sad none that had to ace would ss otherwise than which i said them the began and how k should you think as it began before w same which had been once after so the opened you are now to die and simple to answer all q n e st i o ns asked yoa replied i have made my let that suffice the bishop and insisted with rising temper bat shook her head and silent at last she said i made oath yesterday it is sufficient then she sighed and said of a truth you do burden me too much the bishop still insisted still commanded but he could not move her at last he gave it up and turned over for the day s to an old hand at tricks and traps and a doctor of now notice the form of this sleek s first remark flung out in an easy off hand way that would have thrown any person off his guard now the matter is very simple just of arc speak up and frankly and truly answer the questions which i am going to ask you as you have sworn to do it was a failure was not asleep she saw the she said no you could ask me things which i could not tell you and would not then reflecting upon how profane and out of character it was for these ministers of god to be into matters which had proceeded from his hands under the awful seal of his secrecy she added with a warning note in her tone if you were well informed concerning me you would wish me out of your hands i have done nothing but by revelation changed his attack and began an approach from another quarter he would slip upon her you see under cover of innocent and unimportant questions did you learn any trade at home yes to and to spin then the invincible soldier victor of conqueror of the lion of of a king s crown in chief of a nation s armies straightened herself proudly up gave her head a little toss and said with complacency and when it comes to that i am not afraid to be matched against any woman in i the crowd of spectators broke out with applause which pleased and there was many a friendly and smile to be seen but of arc at the people and warned them to keep still and mind their manners asked other questions then had you other occupations at home yes i helped my mother in the household work and went to the pastures with the sheep and the cattle her voice	34
damage thus far there was immediate silence in the court and intense noticeable all about but disappointed the house she merely made a slight little motion with her hand as when one away a fly and said with indifference passes of arc smiles danced for a moment in some of the faces there and several even laughed outright the trap had been long and laboriously prepared it fell and was empty the court rose it had sat for hours and was cruelly fatigued most of the time had been taken tip with apparently idle and inquiries about the events the duke of s first and so on but all this seemingly random stuff had really been sown thick with hidden traps but had fortunately escaped them all some by the protecting luck which upon ignorance and innocence some by happy accident the others by force of her best and the clear vision and lightning of her extraordinary mind now then this daily and of this girl a captive in chains was to continue a long long time dignified sport a of and a and i may as well tell you upon sworn testimony what it was like from the first day to the last when poor had been in her grave a quarter of a century the pope called together that great court which was to re examine her history and whose just verdict cleared her illustrious name from every spot and stain and laid upon the verdict and conduct of our the of its everlasting and several of the judges who had been members of our court were among the of arc witnesses who appeared before that of recalling these miserable proceedings which i have been telling you about thus here you have it all in fair print in the official history when spoke of her she was at almost every word they wearied her with long and multiplied upon ae sorts ol things every day the of the morning lasted or four hour then from these morning they extracted the particularly and subtle points and these served as material for the afternoon which lasted t tf or moment by moment they from one subject to another yet in spite of this she always responded with an and she often corrected the judges saying i have already answered that once before ask the referring them to me and here is the testimony of one of s judges remember these witnesses are not talking about two or three days they are talking about a tedious n procession of days they asked her profound questions but she quite weu sometimes the changed suddenly and passed to another subject i s e if she mould not herself they her with long of two or three hours from which es went forth ed from the with which she was beset the st in the world could not ha ve himself but she gave her with great prudence indeed to such a degree that during three weeks i me was ins tired ah had she a mind such as i have described you see what these priests say under oath picked i men men chosen for their places in that terrible court on account of their learning their experience of arc their keen and and their strong bias against the prisoner they make that poor young country girl out the match and more than the match of the sixty two trained isn t it so they from the university of paris she from the and the cow stable ah yes she was great she was wonderful it took six thousand years to produce her her like will not be seen in the earth again in thousand such is my opinion chapter vii ttie third meeting of the court was in that same i spacious chamber next day th of february how did it begin work in just the same old way when the preparations were ended the sixty two in their chairs and the guards and order distributed to their stations spoke from his throne and commanded to lay her hands upon the and swear to tell the truth concerning everything asked her s eyes kindled and she rose rose and stood fine and noble and faced toward the bishop and said take care what you do my lord you who are judge for you take a terrible responsibility on yourself and you presume too far it made a great stir and burst out upon her with an awful threat the threat of instant condemnation unless she obeyed that made the very bones in my body turn cold and i saw cheeks about me for it meant fire and the stake but still standing answered him back proud and k of arc not all the clergy in paris and could condemn me lacking the right this made a great tumult and part of it was applause from the spectators resumed her seat the bishop still insisted said i have already made oath it is enough the bishop shouted in refusing to swear you place yourself under suspicion let be i have sworn already it is enough the bishop continued to insist answered that she would tell what she knew but not all that she knew the bishop her straight along till at last she said in a weary tone i came from god i have nothing more to do here return me to god from whom i came it was piteous to hear it was the same as saying you only want my life take it and let me be at peace the bishop out again once more i command you to cut in with a passes e and retired from the struggle but he retired with some credit this time for he offered a compromise and always clear headed saw protection for herself in it and promptly and accepted it she was	34
to swear to tell the truth as touching the matters set down in the verbal they could not sail her outside of definite limits now i of arc if r course was over a sea henceforth the bishop had granted more than he had intended and more than he would honestly try to abide by by command resumed his examination of the accused it being lent there might be a chance to catch her some detail of her religious duties i could have told him he would fail there why religion was her life since when have you eaten or drunk if the least thing had passed her lips in the nature of neither her youth nor the fact that she was being half starved in her prison could save her from dangerous suspicion of contempt for the com of the church i have done neither since yesterday at noon the priest shifted to the voices again when have you heard your voice yesterday and to day at what time yesterday it was in the morning what were you doing then i was asleep and it woke me by touching your arm no without touching me did you thank it did you kneel he had satan in his mind you see and was hoping perhaps that by and by it could be shown that she had rendered homage to the arch enemy o god and man yes i thanked it and knelt in my bed where i j of arc was chained and joined my hands and begged it to god s help for me so that i might have light and instruction as touching the answers i should give y here fl then what did the voice say it told me to answer boldly and god would help me then she turned toward and said you say that you are my judge now i tell you again take care what you do for in truth i am sent of god and you are putting yourself in great danger i asked her if the voice s counsels were not and no it never itself this very day it has told me again to answer boldly has it forbidden you to answer only part of what is asked you i will tell you nothing as to that i have revelations touching the king my master and those i will not tell you then she was stirred by a great emotion and the tears sprang to her eyes and j she spoke out as with strong conviction saying h i believe wholly as wholly as i believe the christian faith and that god has us from the fires of hell that god speaks to me by that voice i being questioned further concerning the voice she said she was not at liberty to tell all she knew do you think god would be displeased at your telling the whole truth of arc the voice has commanded me to tell the king certain things and not you and some very lately even last night things which i would he knew he would be more easy at his dinner why doesn t the voice speak to the king itself as it did when you were with him would it not if you asked it i do not know if it be the wish of god she was pensive a moment or two busy with her thoughts and far away no doubt then she added a remark in which always watchful always alert detected a possible opening a chance to set a trap do you think he jumped at it instantly betraying the joy he had io his find as a young hand at craft and would do no oh no you could not tell that he had noticed the remark at all he slid indifferently away from it at once and began to ask idle questions about other things so to slip around and spring on it from behind so to speak tedious and empty questions as to whether the voice bad told her she would escape from this prison and if it had furnished answers to be used by her in to day s if it was accompanied with a glory of light if it had eyes etc that remark of s was this the grace of god i could do the court the priest s game and play with a e poor wm m dreamy and absent ihe was tired her life was in and did not f if s of arc it the time was ripe now and quietly and stealthily sprung his trap are you in a state of grace ah we had two or three honorable brave men in that pack of judges and was one of them he sprang to his feet and cried out a terrible question the accused is not obliged to answer s face flushed black with anger to see this plank flung to the child and he shouted silence and take your seat the accused will answer the question v there was no hope no way out of the for whether she said yes or whether she said it would be all the same a disastrous answer i or the had said one cannot know this thing think what hard hearts they were to set this fa la for that ignorant girl and be proud of such work and happy in it it was a moment for me while we waited it seemed a year all the house showed excitement and mainly it was glad excitement looked out upon these faces with innocent eyes and then humbly and gently she brought out that immortal answer which brushed the formidable away as it had been but a i be not in a state of grace i pray g d place me in it if i be in it i pray god keep me so ah you will never see an	34
effect like that no not of arc while you live for a space there was the silence of the grave men looked wondering into each other s faces and some were awed and crossed themselves and i heard it was beyond the wisdom of man to devise that answer whence come this child s amazing presently took up his work again but the humiliation of his defeat weighed upon him and he made but a rambling and dreary business of it he not being able to put any heart in it he asked a thousand questions about her childhood and about the oak wood and the and the children s games and under our dear de and this stirring up of old memories broke her voice and made her cry a little but she bore up as well as she could and answered everything then the priest finished by touching again upon the matter of her apparel a matter which was never to be lost sight of in this still hunt for this innocent creature s life but kept always hanging over her a menace charged with mournful possibilities would you like a woman s dress indeed yes if i may go out from this prison but here no chapter the court met next on monday the th would you believe it the bishop ignored the contract the examination to matters set down in the verbal and again commanded to take the oath without she said you should be content i have sworn enough she stood her ground and had to yield the examination was resumed concerning s voices you have said that you recognized them as being the voices of angels the third time that you heard them what angels were they st and st how did you know that it was those two saints how could you tell the one from the other i know it was they and i know how to distinguish them by what sign by their manner of me i have been these seven years under their direction and x knew who they were because they told me whose was the first voice that came to you when were thirteen years old m of arc i it was the voice of st michael i saw him before my eyes j and he was not alone but attended by a cloud of angels did you see the and the attendant angels in the body or in the spirit i saw them v th the eyes of my body just as i see you and when they went away i cried because they did not take me with them it made me see that awful shadow again that fell dazzling white upon her that day under de and it made me shiver again though it was so long ago it was really not very long gone by but it seemed so because so much had happened since in what shape and form did st michael appear as to that i have not received permission to speak what did the say to you that first time i cannot answer you to day meaning i think that she would have to get permission of her voices first presently after some more questions as to the revelations which had been conveyed through her to the king she complained of the of all this and said i will say again as i have said before many times in these that i answered all questions of this sort before the court at and i would of arc that you would bring here the record of that and read from that send for that book there was no answer it was a subject that had to be got around and put aside that book had wisely been gotten out of the way for it contained things which would be very awkward here among them was a decision that s mission was from god whereas it was the intention of this inferior court to show that it was from the devil also a decision permitting to wear male attire whereas it was the purpose of this court to make the male attire do work against her how was it that you were moved to come france by your own desire yes and by command of god but that it was his will i would not have come i would sooner have had my body torn in by horses thai i come lacking that h shifted once more to the matter of th male attire now and proceeded to make a solemn talk about it that tried s patience and presently she interrupted and said it is a trifling thing and of no and i did not put it on by counsel of any ma but by command of god robert de did not order you to wear it no do you think you did well in taking the dress of a man of arc i i did well to do whatsoever thing god commanded me to do but in this particular case do you think you did well in taking the dress of a man i have done nothing but by command of god made various attempts to lead her into of herself j also to put her words and acts in with the but it was lost time he did not succeed he returned to her visions the light which shone about them her relations with the king and so on was there an angel above the king s head the first time you saw him by the blessed mary she forced her impatience down and finished her sentence with tranquillity if there was one i did not see it was there light there were more than three hundred soldiers there and five hundred without taking account of spiritual light what made the king believe in the revelations which you brought him he had signs also the counsel	34
what many and perhaps most did doubt was that s visions voices and miracles came from god it was hoped that in time they could be to have been of origin therefore as you see the court s persistent fashion of coming back to that subject every little while and around it and into it was not to pass the time it had a strictly business end in view chapter ix the next sitting opened on thursday the first of march fifty eight judges present the resting as usual was required to take an oath without she showed no temper this time she considered herself well hy pr verbal compromise which was so anxious to and creep out of so she merely refused distinctly and decidedly and added in a spirit of and but as to matters set down in the verbal i will freely tell the whole truth yes as freely and fully as if i were before the pope here was a chance we had two or three then only one of them be the true pope of course everybody the question of which was the true pope and refrained from him it being clearly dangerous to go into particulars in this matter here was an opportunity to trick an girl into bringing herself into peril and the unfair judge lost no time in taking advantage of it he asked in a indolent and absent way l j of arc which one do you to be the pope the house took an attitude of deep attention and so waited to hear the answer and see the prey walk into the trap but when the answer came it covered the judge with confusion and you could see many people for asked in a voice and manner which almost deceived even me so innocent it seemed are there two one of the priests in that body and one of the best there spoke right out so that half the house heard him and said by god it was a master stroke as soon as the judge was better of his embarrassment he came back to the charge but was prudent and passed by s question is it true that you received a letter from the count of asking you which of the three he ought to obey yes and answered it copies of both letters were produced and read said that hers had not been quite strictly copied she said she had received the count s letter when she was just mounting her horse and added so in a word or two of reply i said i would try to answer him from paris or somewhere where i could be at rest she was asked again which pope she had considered the right one ire i was not able to instruct the count of as to which one he ought to obey then she added witli a frank which sounded fresh and wholesome in that den of and but as for me i hold that we are bound to obey our lord the pope who is at rome the matter was dropped then they produced and read a copy of s first effort at her the english to from the siege of and france truly a great and fine production for an girl of seventeen do you acknowledge as your own the document which has just been read yes except that there are errors in it words which make me give myself too much importance i saw what was coming i was troubled and ashamed for instance i did not say deliver up to the maid render d la i said deliver op to the king an and i did not call myself commander in chief de all those are words which my secretary or he me or forgot what i said she did not look at me when she said it she spared me that embarrassment i hadn t her at all and hadn t forgotten i changed her language purposely for she was commander in chief and entitled to call herself so and it was becoming and proper too and who was going to surrender anything to the king at that time a of arc stick a if any was done it would be to the noble maid of already and formidable though she had not yet struck a blow ah there would have been a fine and disagreeable episode for me there if that pitiless court had discovered that the very of that piece of secretary to of arc was present and not only present but helping build the record and not only that but destined at a far distant day to testify against lies and into it by and deliver them over to eternal do you acknowledge that you dictated this have you repented of it do you it ah then she was indignant no not even these chains and she shook them not even these chains can chill the hopes that i uttered there and more she rose and stood a moment with a divine strange light in her face then her words burst forth as in a flood m warn you now that before seven years a disaster will the english oh many fold greater than the fall of and silence sit down and then soon after they will lose all france now consider these things the french armies no longer existed the french cause was standing of arc still our king was standing still there was no hint that by and by the would come forward and take up the great work of of arc and finish it in face of all this made that prophecy made it with perfect confidence and it came for within five years paris fell and our king into it flying the victor s flag so	34
the first part of the prophecy was then fulfilled in fact almost the entire prophecy for with paris in our hands the of the rest of it was assured twenty years later all france was ours excepting a single town now that will remind you of an earlier prophecy of s at the time that she wanted to take paris and could have done it with ease if our king had but consented she said that that was the golden time that with paris ours all france would be ours in six months but if this golden opportunity to recover france was wasted said she i give yon twenty years to do it in j she was right after paris fell in the rest of the work had to be done city by city castle by castle and it took twenty years to finish it it was the first day of march there in the court that she stood in the view of everybody and uttered that strange and incredible now and then in this world somebody s prophecy turns up correct but when you come to look into it of arc there is sure to be considerable room for suspicion that the prophecy was made after the fact but here the matter is different there in that court s prophecy was set down in the official record at the hour and moment of its utterance years before the and there you may read it to this day twenty five years after s death the record was produced in the great court of the and under oath by and me and judges of our court confirmed the of the record in their testimony s utterance on that now so celebrated first of march stirred up a great turmoil and it was some time before it down again naturally everybody was troubled for a prophecy is a and awful things whether one thinks it from hell or comes down from heaven all that these people felt sure of was that the inspiration back of it was genuine and they would have given their right hands to know the source of it at last the questions began again how do you know that those things are going to happen i know it by revelation and i know it as surely as i know that you sit here before me this sort of answer was not going to the spreading uneasiness therefore after some further the judge got the subject out of the way and took up one which he could enjoy more what language do your voices speak of arc french st too verily why not she is on our side not on the saints and angels who did not condescend to speak english a grave they could not be brought into court and punished for but the could take silent note of s remark and remember it against her which they did it might be useful by and by do your saints and angels wear crowns rings to questions like this were profane and not worthy of serious notice she answered indifferently but the question brought to her mind another matter and she turned upon and said i had two rings they have been taken away from me during my you have one of them it is the gift of my brother give it back to me if not to me then i pray that it be given to the church the judges conceived the idea that maybe these rings were for the working of perhaps they could be made to do a damage where is the other ring the have it where did you get it my father and mother gave it to me describe it of arc it is plain and simple and has and mary engraved upon it everybody could see that was not a valuable to do work with so that trail was not worth following still to make sure one of the judges asked if she had ever cured sick people by touching them with the ring she said no now as concerning the that were used to abide near by whereof there are many reports and traditions it is said that your surprised these creatures on a summer s night dancing under the tree called de is it not possible that your pretended saints and angels are but those is that in she made no other answer have you not conversed with st and st under that tree m do not know or by the fountain near the tree yes sometimes what promises did they make you none but such as they had god s warrant for but what promises did th y make that is not in graces yet i will say this much they told me that the king would become master of his kingdom in spite of his enemies and what there was a pause then she said humbly of arc they promised to lead me to paradise if faces do really betray what is passing in men s minds a fear came upon many in that house at this time that maybe after all a chosen servant and herald of god was here being hunted to her death the interest deepened movements and ceased the stillness became almost painful have you noticed that almost from the beginning the nature of the questions asked showed that in some way or other the v ry often already knew his fact before he asked his question have you noticed that somehow or other the usually knew just how and where to search for s secrets that they really knew the bulk of her a fact not suspected by her and that they had no task before them but to trick her into exposing those secrets do you remember the the treacherous priest tool of do you remember that under the sacred seal of the freely	34
be taken prisoner and that it would be before the feast of st john she begged that death certain and swift should be her fate and the brief for she was a free spirit and dreaded the confinement the voices made no promise but only told her to bear whatever came now as they did not refuse the swift death a hopeful young thing like would naturally cherish that fact and make the most of it allowing it to grow and establish itself in her mind and so now that she was told she was to be delivered in three months i think she believed it meant that she would die in her bed in the prison and that that was why she looked happy and content the gates of paradise standing open or her the time so short you see her troubles so of arc soon to be over her reward so close at hand yes that would make her look happy that would make her patient and bold and able to fight her fight out like a soldier save herself if she could of course and try her best for that was the way she was made but die with her face to the front if die she must then later when she charged with trying to kill her with a poisoned fish her notion that she w as to be delivered by death in the prison if she had it and i she had would naturally be greatly strengthened you see but i am wandering from the trial was asked to definitely name the time that she would be delivered from prison i have always said that i was not permitted to tell you everything i am to be set free and i desire to ask leave of my voices to tell you the day this is why i wish for delay do your voices forbid you to the truth is it that you to know matters concerning the king of france i tell you again that he will regain his kingdom and that i know it as well as i know that you sit here before me in this she sighed and after a little pause added i should be dead but for this revelation which comforts me always some trivial questions were asked her st dress and appearance she answered them with dignity but one saw that they gave her pain after a little she said of arc i have great joy q seeing him for when i see him i have the that i am not in mortal sin she added sometimes st and st have allowed me to confess myself to them here was a possible chance to set a successful for her innocence when you confessed were you in mortal sin do you think but her reply did her no hurt so the inquiry was shifted once more to the revelations made to the king secrets which the court had tried again and again to force out of but without success now as to the sign given to the king i have already told you that i will tell you nothing about it do you know what the sign was as to that you will not find out from me all this to s secret interview with the king held apart though two or three others were present it was known through of course that this sign was a crown and was a pledge of the of s mission but that is all a mystery until this day the nature of the crown i mean and w ill remain a mystery to the end of time we can never know whether a real crown descended upon the king s head or only a symbol the mystic fabric of a vision did you see a crown upon the king s head when he received the revelation of arc i cannot tell you as to that without did the king have that crown at i think the king put upon his head a crown which he found there but a much richer one was brought him afterwards have you seen that one i cannot tell you without but whether i have seen it or not i have heard say that it was rich and magnificent they went on and her to weariness about that mysterious crown but they got nothing more out of her the sitting closed a long hard day for all of us chapter x the court rested a day then took up work again on saturday the third of march this was one of our the whole court was out of patience and with good reason these three score distinguished legal had left important posts where their was needed to journey hither from various regions and accomplish a most simple and easy matter condemn and send to death a country of nineteen who could neither read nor write knew nothing of the and of legal could call not a single witness in her was allowed no advocate or adviser and must conduct her case by herself against a hostile judge and a packed jury in two hours she would be hopelessly entangled defeated convicted nothing could be more certain than this so they thought but it was a mistake the two hours had strung out into days what promised to be a had expanded into a siege i the thing which had looked so easy had to be difficult the light victim m of arc who was to have been puffed away like a feather remained planted like a rock and on top of all this if anybody had a right to laugh it was the country and not the court she was not doing that for that was not her spirit j but others were doing it the whole town was laughing in	34
you brought a dead child to life in the church at was that in answer to your prayers as to that i have no knowledge other young girls were praying for the child and i joined them and prayed also doing no more than they continue while we prayed it came to life and cried it of arc had been dead three days and was as black as my it was straightway then it passed from life again and was buried in holy ground why did you jump from the tower of by night and try to escape i would go to the of it was that this was an attempt to commit the deep crime of suicide to avoid falling into the hands of the english did you not say that you would rather die than be delivered into the power of the english answered frankly without perceiving the trap yes my words were that i would rather that my soul be returned unto god than that i should fall into the hands of the english it was now that when she came to after jumping from the tower she was angry and the name of god j and that she did it again when she heard of the of the of she was hurt and indignant at this and said it is not true i have never cursed it is not my custom to swear chapter xl a halt was called it was time was losing ground in the fight was gaining it there were signs that here and there in the court a judge was being softened toward by her courage her presence of mind her fortitude her constancy her piety her simplicity and her manifest purity the nobility of her character her fine intelligence and the good brave fight she was making all and alone against unfair odds and there was grave room for fear that this softening process would spread further and presently bring s plans in danger something must be done and it was done was not distinguished for compassion but he now gave proof that he had it in his character he thought it pity to subject so many judges to the of this trial when it could be conducted plenty well enough by a of them oh gentle judge but he did not remember to the for the little captive he would let all the judges but a handful go but he would select the handful himself and he did f i i i of an he chose if a lamb or two got in it was by not intention and he knew what to do with when discovered he called a small council now and during five days they the huge bulk of answers thus far gathered from they it of all all useless matter that is all matter favorable to they saved up all matter which could be twisted to her hurt and out of this they constructed a basis for a new trial which should have the semblance of a of the old one another change it was plain that the public trial had wrought damage its proceedings had been discussed all over the town and had moved many to pity the abused prisoner there should be no more of that the should be secret hereafter and no spectators admitted so could come no more i sent this news to him i had not the heart to carry it myself i would give the pain a chance to before i should see him in the evening on the loth of march the secret trial began a week had passed since i had seen her appearance gave me a great shock she looked tired and weak she was and far away and her answers showed that she was dazed and not able to keep perfect run of all that was done and said another court would not have taken advantage of her state j seeing that her life was at stake here but would have and spared her did this of arc one no it worried her for hours and with a glad and eager ferocity making all it could out of this great chance the first one it had had she was tortured into herself concerning the sign which had been given the king and the next day this was continued hour after hour as a result she made partial of particulars forbidden by her voices and seemed to me to state as facts things which were but and visions mixed with facts the third day she was and looked less worn she was almost her normal self again and did her work well many attempts were made to her into saying things but she saw the purpose in view and answered with tact and do you know if st and st hate the english they love whom our lord loves and hate whom he hates does god hate the english f the love or the hatred of god toward the english i know nothing then she spoke up with the old martial ring in her voice and the old audacity in her words and added but i know this that god will send victory to the french and that all the english will be flung out of france but the dead ones was god on the side of the english when they prosperous in france of arc i do not know if god hates the french but i think that he allowed them to be for their sins it was a sufficiently way to account for a which had now strung out for years but nobody found fault with it there was nobody there who would not punish a sinner ninety six years if he nor anybody there who would ever dream of such a thing as the lord s being any shade less than men have you ever embraced st and st yes both	34
sleeps in god these sixty years peace to his ashes and you will remember how sixteen years old stood up in that venerable court and conducted her case all by herself and tore the poor s case to rags and blew it away with a breath and how the astonished old judge on the bench spoke of her as this child you remember all that then think what i felt to see these false priests here in the wherein of arc had fought a fourth lone fight in three years deliberately twist that matter entirely around and try to make out that the into court and pretended that he had promised to marry her and was bent on making him do it certainly there was no that those people were ashamed to stoop to in their hunt for that girl s life what they wanted to show was this that she had committed the sin of from her vow and trying to it detailed the true history of the case but lost her temper as she went along and finished with some words for which he remembers yet whether he is himself in the world he belongs in or has his way into the other the rest of this day and part of the next the court labored upon the old theme the attire it was shabby work for those grave men to be engaged in for they weu knew one of s reasons for clinging to the male dress was that soldier of the guard were always present in her room whether she was asleep or awake and that the male was a better for her modesty than the other the court that one of s bad been the of the duke of and they were curious to know how had j i to manage it plan was ch him ness p and her statement of it as simple and of arc i would have taken english prisoners enough in france for his and failing that i would have invaded england and brought him out by force that was just her way if a thing was to be done it was love first and hammer and to follow but no between she added with a little sigh if i had had my freedom three years i would have delivered him have you the permission of your voices to break out of prison whenever you can i have asked their leave several times but they have not given it i think it is as i have said she expected the of death and within the prison walls before the three months should would you escape if you saw the doors open she spoke up frankly and said yes for i should see in that the permission of our lord god helps who help themselves the proverb says but except i thought i had permission i would not go now then at this point something occurred which me every time i think of it and it struck me so at the time that for a moment at least her hopes wandered to the king and put into her mind the same notion about her which and i had settled upon a rescue by her old soldiers i think the idea of the rescue did of arc occur to her but only as a passing thought and that it quickly passed some remark of the bishop of moved her to remind him once more that he was an unfair judge and had no right to there and that he was putting himself in great danger what danger he asked i do not know st has promised me help but i do not know the form of it i do not know whether i am to be delivered from this prison or whether when you send me to the there will happen a trouble by which i shall be set free without much thought as to this matter i am of the opinion that it may be one or the other after a pause she added these words memorable forever words whose meaning she may have misunderstood as to that we can never know words which she may have rightly understood as to that also we can never but words whose mystery fell away from them many a year ago and revealed their real meaning to all the world but what my voices have said is that i shall be delivered i y a great she paused my heart was beating fast for to me that great victory meant the sudden bursting in of our old soldiers with war cry and clash of steel at the last moment and the carrying off of of arc in triumph but oh that thought had such a short life for now she raised her head and finished with those solemn words which men still so often quote and of arc dwell upon words which filled me with fear they sounded so like a and always they say submit to whatever comes j do grieve for your from it you will ascend into the kingdom of paradise was she thinking of fire and the stake i think not i thought of it myself but i believe she was only thinking of this slow and cruel of chains and and insult surely was the right name for it it was de la who was asking the questions he was willing to make the most he could out of what she had said as the voices have told you you are going to paradise you feel certain that that will happen and that you will not be damned in hell is that so i believe what they told me i know that i shall be saved it is a answer to me the knowledge that i shall be saved is a great treasure do you think that after that	34
revelation you could be able to commit mortal sin as to that i do not know my hope for salvation is in holding fast to my oath to keep my body and my soul pure since you know you are to be saved do you think it necessary to go to confession the was devised but s simple and humble answer left it empty of arc one cannot keep his conscience too clean we were now arriving at the last day of this new trial had come through the ordeal well it had been a long and wearisome struggle for all concerned all ways had been tried to the accused and all had failed thus far the were thoroughly vexed and dissatisfied however they resolved to make one more effort put in one more day s work this was done march th early in the sitting a notable trap was set for will you submit to the determination of the church all your words and deeds whether good or bad that was well planned was in imminent peril now if she should say it would put her mission itself upon trial and one would know how to decide its source and character promptly if she should say no she would herself with the crime of but she was equal to the occasion she drew a distinct line of separation between the church s authority over her as a subject member and the matter of her she said she loved the church and was ready to support the christian faith with all her strength but as to the works done under her mission those must be judged by god alone who had commanded them to be done the judge still insisted that she submit them to the decision of the church she said i will submit them to our lord who sent me of arc it would seem to me that he and his church arc one and that there should be no difficulty about this matter then she turned upon the judge and said why do you make a difficulty where there is no room for any then de la corrected her notion that there was but one church there were two the church triumphant which is god the saints the angels and the and has its seat in heaven and the church which is our holy father the pope of god the the clergy and all good christians and the which church has its seat in the earth is governed by the holy spirit and cannot will you not submit those matters to the church i am come to the king of france from the church triumphant on high by its and to that church i will submit all those things which i have done for the church i have no other answer now the court took note of this refusal and would hope to get profit out of it but the matter was dropped for the present and a long chase was then made over the old hunting ground the the visions the male attire and all that in the afternoon the bishop himself took the chair and presided over the closing scenes of the trial along toward the finish this question was asked by one of the judges you have said to my lord the bishop that you of arc i would answer him as yon would answer before our holy father the pope and yet there are several questions which you continually refuse to answer would you not answer the pope more fully than you have answered before my lord of would you not feel obliged to answer the pope who is the of god more fully now fell a thunder clap out of a clear sky take me to the pope i will answer to everything that i ought to it made the bishop s purple face fairly v with consternation if had only known if she had only known she had lodged a mine under this black conspiracy able to blow the bishop s schemes to the four winds of heaven and she didn t know it she had made that speech by mere instinct not suspecting what tremendous forces were hidden in it and there was none to tell her what she had done i knew and knew and if she had known how to read writing we could have hoped to get the knowledge to her somehow but speech was the only way and none was allowed to approach her near enough for that so there she sat once more of arc the victorious but all unconscious of it she was miserably worn and tired by the long day s struggle and by illness or she must have noticed the effect of that speech and divined the reason of it she had made many master strokes but this was ike master stroke it was an appeal to rome it r of arc was her clear rights and if she had persisted in it plot would have tumbled about his ears like a house of cards and he would have gone from that place the worst beaten man of the century he was daring but he was not daring enough to stand up against that demand if had urged it but no she was ignorant poor thing and did not know what a blow she had struck for ufe and liberty france was not the church rome had no interest in the destruction of this messenger of god rome would have given her a fair trial and that was all that her cause needed from that trial she would have gone forth free and honored and blessed but it was not so fated at once diverted the questions to other matters and hurried the trial quickly to an end as moved feebly away dragging her chains i felt stunned and dazed and kept saying to myself	34
strange document that was and what an exhibition and exposure of the heart of man the of arc one creature to boast that he is made in the image of god to know of arc was to know one who was wholly noble pure truthful brave compassionate pious unselfish modest as the very flowers in the fields a nature fine and beautiful a character great to know her from that document would be to know her as the exact reverse of all that ing that she appears in it everything that she was appears there in detail consider some of the things it charges against her and remember who it is it is speaking of it calls her a a false prophet an and companion of evil spirits a dealer in magic a person ignorant of the catholic faith a she is an an a of god and his saints scandalous a of the peace she men to war and to the of human blood she the and of her sex assuming the dress of a man and the of a soldier she both princes and people she divine honors and has caused herself to be adored and offering her hands and her to be kissed there it is every fact of her life distorted reversed as a child she had loved the she had spoken a pitying word for them when they were banished from their home she had played under their tree and around their fountain of arc hence she was a comrade of evil spirits she had lifted france out of the mud and moved her to strike for freedom and led her to victory after victory hence she was a of the as indeed she was and a of war as indeed she was again and france will be proud of it and grateful for it for many a century to come and she had been adored as if she could help poor thing or was in any way to blame for it the and the wavering had drunk the spirit of war from her eyes and touched her sword with theirs and moved forward invincible hence she was a and so the document went on detail by detail turning these waters of life to poison this gold to these proofs of a noble and beautiful life to evidences of a foul and odious one of course the sixty six articles were just a of the things which had come up in the course of the previous trials so i will touch upon this new trial but lightly in fact went but little into detail herself usually merely saying that is not true passes or i have answered that before let the clerk read it in his record or saying some other brief thing she refused to have her mission examined and tried by the earthly church the refusal was taken note of she denied the accusation of and that she had sought men s homage she said of arc i i if any kissed my hands and my it was not by my desire and i did what i could to prevent it she had the pluck to say to that deadly that she did not know the to be evil beings she knew it was a perilous thing to say but it was not in her nature to speak anything but the truth when she spoke at all danger had no weight with her in such things note was taken of her remark she refused as always before when asked if she would put off the male attire if she were given permission to and she added this when one receives tlie the manner of his dress is a small thing and of no value in the eyes of our lord she was charged with being so stubborn in clinging to her male dress that she would not lay it off even to get the blessed privilege of hearing mass she spoke out with spirit and said i would rather die than be to my oath to god she was reproached with doing man s work in the wars and thus the proper to her sex she answered with some little touch of disdain as to the matter of women s work there s plenty to do it it was always a comfort to me to see the soldier her while that remained in her of arc she would be of arc and able to look trouble and fate in the face it appears that this mission of yours which you claim you had from god was to make war and pour out human blood replied quite simply herself with explaining that war was not her first move but her second to begin with i demanded that peace should be made if it was refused then i would fight the judge mixed the and english together in speaking of the enemy which had come to make war upon but she showed that she made a distinction between them by act and the being and therefore entitled to less treatment than the english she said as to the duke of i required of him both by letters and by his that he make peace with the king as to the english the only peace for them was that they leave the country and go home then she said that even with the english she had shown a pacific disposition since she had warned them away by before attacking them if they had listened to me said she they would have done wisely at this point she uttered her prophecy again saying with emphasis before seven years they will see it themselves then they presently began to her again of arc about her male costume and tried to persuade her to voluntarily promise to it i was never deep so i think it no wonder that i was	34
puzzled by their in what seemed a thing of no consequence and could not make out what their reason could be but we all know now we all know now that it was another of their treacherous projects yes if they could but succeed iu getting her to formally it they could play a game upon her which would quickly destroy her so they kept at their evil work until at last she broke out and said peace without the permission of god i will not lay it off though you cut off my head at one point she corrected the verbal saying it makes me say that everything which i have done was done by the counsel of our lord i did not say that i said all which i have well done doubt was cast upon the of her mission because of the ignorance and simplicity of the messenger chosen smiled at that she could have reminded these people that our lord who is no of persons had chosen the lowly for his high purposes even oftener than he had chosen and but she her rebuke in terms it is the of our lord to choose his instruments where he will she was asked what form of prayer she used in o of arc counsel from on high she said the form was brief and simple then she lifted her pallid face and repeated it clasping her chained hands most dear god in honor of your holy passion i you if you love me that you will reveal to me what i am to answer to these as concerns my dress i know by what command i have put it on but i know not in what manner i am t f h lay it off i pray you tell me what to do she was charged with having dared against the of god and his saints to assume empire over men and make herself commander in chief that touched the soldier in her she had a deep reverence for priests but the soldier in her had small reverence for a priest s opinions about war so j in her answer to this charge she did not condescend to go into any explanations or excuses but delivered herself with bland and military if i was commander in chief it was to the english death was staring her in the face here all the time but no matter she dearly loved to make these english hearted and whenever they gave her an opening she was prompt to her sting into it she got great refreshment out of these httle her days were a desert were the in it her being in the wars with men was charged against her as an she said of arc ti had a woman with me when i could in towns and lodgings in the field i always slept in my that she and her family had been by the king was charged against her as evidence that the source of her deeds were sordid self seeking she answered that she had not asked this grace of the king it was his own act this third trial was ended at last and once again there was no definite result possibly a fourth trial might succeed in this apparently girl so the malignant bishop set himself to work to plan it he appointed a commission to reduce the substance of the sixty six articles to twelve compact lies as a basis for the new attempt this was done it took several days meantime went to s one day with and two of the judges de la and martin to see if he could not manage somehow to into submit ting her mission to the examination and decision of the church that is to say to that part of the church which was represented by and his creatures once more positively refused de la a heart in his body and he so pitied this persecuted poor girl that he ventured to da a very daring thing for be asked ber if she be to ber case go before the g of of arc and said it contained as many priests of her party as of the english party cried out that she would gladly go before so fairly constructed a as that but before could say another word turned savagely upon him and exclaimed shut up in the devil s name then ventured to do a brave thing too though he did it in great fear for his life he asked if he should enter s submission to the council of upon the minutes no it is not necessary ah said poor reproachfully you set down everything that is against me but you will not set down what is for me it was piteous it would have touched the heart of a brute but was more than that chapter xiv w i were now in the first days of april was ill she had fallen ill the th of march the day after the close of the third trial and was growing worse when the scene which i have just described occurred in it was just hke to go there and try to get some advantage out of her weakened state let us note some of the particulars in the new the twelve lies part of the first one says that she has found her salvation she never said anything of the kind it also says she refuses to submit herself to the church not true she was willing to submit all her acts to this except those done by command of god in of her mission those she reserved for the judgment of god she refused to recognize and his as the church but was willing to go before the pope or the council of a of another of the twelve says she admits having threatened with death those	34
this malady if it be the pleasure of god that i die here i beg that i may be heard in confession and also receive my and that i may be buried in consecrated ground thought he saw his opportunity at last this weakened body had the fear of an death before it and the pains of hell to follow this stubborn spirit would surrender now so he spoke out and said h then if you want the you must d as all good do and submit to the church he was eager for her answer but when it came there was no surrender in it she still stood to her guns she turned her head away and said wearily i have nothing more to say s temper was stirred and he raised his voice and said that the more she was in danger of death the more she ought to her life and again he refused the things she begged for unless she would submit to the church said if i die in this prison i beg you to have me buried in holy ground if you will not i cast upon my there was some more conversation of the like of arc then demanded again and that she submit herself and all her deeds to the church his threatening and went for nothing that body was weak but the spirit in it was the spirit of of arc and out of that came the steadfast answer which these people were already so familiar with and detested so sincerely let come what may i will neither do nor say any otherwise than i have said already in your then the good took turn about and worried her with and arguments and and always they held the of the before her soul and tried to bribe her with them to surrender her mission to the church s judgment that is to their judgment as if j were the church but it availed nothing i could have told them that beforehand if they had asked me but they never asked me anything i was too humble a creature for their notice then the interview closed with a threat a threat of fearful import a threat calculated to make a catholic christian feel as if the ground were sinking from under him the church calls upon you to submit and she will abandon you as if you were a pagan think of being abandoned by the church that august power in whose hands is lodged the fate of the human race whose stretches beyond of arc the that in the sky whose authority is over the millions that live and over the that wait trembling in for or doom whose smile opens the gates of heaven to you whose frown you to the fires of everlasting hell a power whose dominion and earthly empire as earthly empire and the and shows of a village to be abandoned by one s king yes that is death and death is much but to be abandoned by rome to be abandoned by the church ah death is nothing to that for that is to endless life and such a hfe i could see the red waves tossing in that lake of fire i could see the black of the damned rise out of them and struggle and sink and rise again and i knew that was seeing what i saw while she paused musing and i believed that she must yield now and in truth i hoped she would for these men were able to make the threat good and deliver her over to eternal suffering and i knew that it was in their natures to do it but i was foolish to think that thought and hope that hope of arc was not made as others are made fidelity to principle fidelity to truth fidelity to her word all these were in her bone and in her flesh they were parts of her she could not change she could not cast them out she was the very genius of fidelity she was where she had taken her stand and planted of arc her foot there she would abide hell itself could not move her from that place her voices had not given her permission to make the sort of submission that was required therefore she would stand fast she would wait in perfect obedience let come what might my heart was like lead in my body when i went out from that but she she was serene she was not troubled she had done what she believed to be her duty and that was sufficient the consequences were not her affair the last thing she said that time was full of this serenity full of contented repose i am a good christian born and and a good christian i will die chapter xv two weeks went by the second of may was come the chill was departed out of the air the wild flowers were springing in the and the birds were in the woods nature was brilliant with sunshine all spirits were renewed and refreshed all hearts glad the world was alive with hope and cheer the plain beyond the stretched away soft and rich and green the river was and lovely the leafy islands were dainty to see and flung still reflections of themselves upon the shining water and from the tall above the bridge was become again a delight to the eye the most exquisite and satisfying picture of a town that under the arch of heaven anywhere when i say that all hearts were glad and hopeful i mean it in a general sense there were exceptions we who were the friends of of arc also of arc herself that poor girl shut up there in that frowning stretch of mighty walls and towers brooding in darkness so close to	34
the of sunshine yet so far away from it of arc mi so longing for any little glimpse of it y t o denied it by those wolves in the black gowns who were her death and the ing of her good name was ready to go on with hia work he had a new scheme to try now i in w ould see what persuasion could ai eloquence poured out upon the from the mouth of a trained expert that his plan but the reading of the twelve to her was not a part of it no even was ashamed to lay that before even he had a remnant of shame in away down deep a million and that asserted itself now and prevailed on this fair second of may then the company gathered itself together in the r at the end of the great ball of the ca the of on bis throne and m ty w judges before him with the m at mt md the h mm then wc te fm at i m j m mb im mi tm seat fr f i f f fc tl wm and t ar m d m of arc sight it was so thick that it resembled a book he began but in the midst of a period his memory failed him and he had to snatch a glance at his manuscript which much injured the effect again this happened and then a third time the poor man s face was red with embarrassment the whole great house was pitying him which made the matter worse then dropped in a remark which completed his trouble she said read your book and then i will answer you why it was almost cruel the way those laughed and as for the orator he looked so and helpless that almost anybody would have pitied him and i had difficulty to keep from doing it myself yes was feeling very well after her rest and the native mischief that was in her lay near the surface it did not show when she made the remark but i knew it was close in there back of the words when the orator had gotten back his composure he did a wise thing for he followed s advice he made no more attempts at sham but read his speech straight from his book in the speech he compressed the twelve articles into six and made these his text every now and then he stopped and asked questions and replied the nature of the church was explained and once more was asked to submit herself to it ot arc she gave her usual answer she was asked do you believe the church can i believe it cannot but for those deeds and words of mine which were done and uttered by command of god i will answer to him alone will you say that you have no judge upon earth is not our holy father the pope your judge i will say nothing to you about it i have a good master who is our lord and to him i will submit all then came these terrible words if you do not submit to the church you will be pronounced a by these judges here present and burned at the stake ah that would have smitten you or me dead with fright but it only roused the lion heart of of arc and in her answer rang that martial note which had used to stir her soldiers like a call i will not say otherwise than i have said already and if i saw the fire before me i would say it again i it was to hear her battle voice once more and see the battle light burn in her eye many there were stirred every man that was a man was stirred whether friend or foe and risked his life again good soul for he wrote in the margin of the record in good plain letters these brave words f and there they have of arc remained these sixty years and there you may read them to this day t yes it was just that for this superb answer came from the lips of a girl of nineteen with death and hell staring her in the face of course the matter of the male attire was gone over again and as usual at wearisome length also as usual the customary bribe was offered if she would that dress voluntarily they would let her hear mass but she answered as she had often answered before i will go in a woman s robe to all services of the church if i may be permitted but i will resume the other dress when i return to my cell they set several traps for her in a form that is to say they placed before her and tried to commit her to one end of the without committing themselves to the other but she always saw the game and spoiled it the trap was in this form would you be willing to do so and so if we should give you leave her answer was always in this form or to this effect when you give me leave then you will know yes was at her best that second of may she had all her wits about her and they could not catch her anywhere it was a long long sion and all the old ground was fought over ag n foot of arc by foot and the orator expert worked all his all his eloquence but the result was the familiar one a drawn battle the sixty two retiring upon their base the solitary enemy holding her original position within her original lines chapter xvi the brilliant weather the heavenly weather the weather made everybody s heart to sing as i have told you	34
yes was feeling light hearted and gay and most willing and ready to break out and laugh upon the least occasion and so when the news went around that the young girl in the tower had another defeat against bishop there was abundant laughter abundant laughter among the citizens of both parties for they all hated the bishop it is true the majority of the people wanted burned but that did not keep them from laughing at the man they hated it would have been perilous for anybody to laugh at the english chiefs or at the majority of s assistant judges but to laugh at or d and was safe nobody would report it the difference between and was not noticeable in speech and so there was plenty of opportunity for the opportunities were not thrown away pig of arc some of the jokes got well worn in the course of two or three months from repeated use for every time started a new trial the folk said the sow has again and every time the trial failed they said it over again with its other meaning the has made a mess of it and so on the third of may and i drifting about the town heard many a wide mouthed let go his joke and his laugh and then move to the next group proud of his wit and happy to work it again blood the sow has five times and five times has made a mess of it and now and then one was bold enough to say but he said it softly sixty three and the might of england against a girl and she on the field five times lived in the great palace of the and it was guarded by english but no matter there was never a dark night but the walls showed next morning that the rude had been there with his paint and brush yes he had been there and had the sacred walls with pictures of in all attitudes except flattering ones clothed in a bishop s and wearing a bishop s cocked on the side of their heads raged and cursed over his and his during seven days then he conceived a io to to a mai oil of arc new scheme you shall see what it was for you have not cruel hearts and you would never guess it on the ninth of may there was a summons and and i got our materials together and started but this time we were to go to one of the other towers not the one which was s prison it was round and grim and massive and built of the and and a dismal and forbidding structure m we entered the circular room on the ground floor and i saw what turned me sick the instruments of torture and the standing ready here you have the black heart of at the here you have the proof that in his nature there was no such thing as pity one wonders if he knew his mother or ever had a sister was there and the vice and the of st also six others among them that false the guards were in r i places the rack was there and by it stood the h and his in their crimson i meet color for their bloody trade the picture of rose before me stretched upon the her feet tied to one end of it her wrists to the other and those red giants turning the and her limbs out of their it seemed to me that i could hear the bones snap and the flesh tear apart and i did not see how that body of the lower half of it remains to day just s it then the half is o a later date of arc i i servants of the merciful could sit there and look so placid and indifferent after a little arrived and was brought in she saw the rack she saw the attendants and the same picture which i had been seeing must have risen in her mind but do you think she do you think she shuddered no there was no sign of that sort she straightened herself up and there was a slight curl of scorn about her lip but as for fear she showed not a of it this was a memorable but it was the shortest one of all the list when had taken her seat a r of her crimes was read to her then made a solemn speech in it he said that in the course of her several trials had refused to answer some of the questions and had answered others with lies but that now he was going to have the truth out of her and the whole of it his manner was full of confidence this time he was sure he had found a at last to br this child s stubborn spirit and make her beg and cry he would score a victory this time and stop the mouths of the of you see he was only just a man after all and couldn t stand ridicule any better than other people he talked high and his face lighted itself up with all the shifting tints and signs of evil pleasure and promised triumph purple yellow red green they were all there with sometimes the dull and blue s of arc of a drowned the of them and finally he burst out in a great passion and said there is the rack and there are its ministers you will reveal all now or be put to the torture speak then she made that great answer which will live forever made it without fuss or and yet how fine and noble was the sound of it i will tell you nothing more than i have told you no	34
not even if you tear the limbs from my body and even if in my pain i did say something other wise i would always say afterwards that it was the torture that spoke and not i there was no crushing that spirit you should have seen defeated again and he had not dreamed of such a thing i heard it said next day around the town that he had a full confession all written out in his pocket and all ready for to sign i do not know that that was true but it probably was for her mark signed at the bottom of a confession would be the kind of evidence for effect with the public which and his people would particularly value you know no there was no crushing that spirit and no that clear mind consider the depth the wisdom of that answer coming from an ignorant girl why there were not six men in the world who had ever reflected that words forced out of a person by horrible were not necessarily words of and truth yet this of arc peasant put her finger upon that flaw with an instinct i had always supposed that torture brought out the truth everybody supposed it and when came out with those simple common sense words they seemed to flood the place with h it was like a lightning flash at midnight which suddenly a fair valley sprinkled over with silver streams and gleaming villages and where was only an impenetrable world of darkness before stole a look at me and his face was full of surprise and there was the like to be seen in other faces there consider they were old and deeply yet here was a village maid able to teach them something which they had not known before i heard one of them verily it is a wonderful creature she has laid her hand upon an accepted truth that is as old as the world and it has to dust and rubbish under her touch now whence got she that insight the judges laid their heads together and began to talk low it was plain from chance words which one caught now and then that and were upon the application of the torture and that most of the others were finally broke out with a good deal of in his voice and ordered back to her that was a happy surprise for me i was not expecting that the bishop would yield of arc when came home that night he said he had found out why the torture was not applied there were two reasons one was a fear that might die under the torture which would not suit the english at all the other was that the torture would effect nothing if was going to take back everything she said under its pains and as to putting her mark to a confession it was believed that not even the rack could ever make her do that so all laughed again and kept it up for three days saying the sow has six times and made six of it and the palace walls got a new a carrying a discarded rack home on its shoulder and weeping in its wake many rewards were offered for the capture of these painters but nobody applied even the english guard feigned blindness and would not see the artists at work the bishop s anger was very high no v he could not reconcile himself to the idea of giving up the torture it was the idea he had invented yet and he would not cast it by so he called in some of his on the twelfth and urged the torture again but it was a failure with some s speech had wrought an effect others feared she might die under the torture others did not believe that any amount of suffering could make her put her mark to a lying confession there were of arc fourteen men present including the bishop eleven of them dead against the torture and stood their ground in spite of s abuse two with the bishop and insisted upon the torture these two were and the orator the man whom had to read his book thomas de the renowned and master of eloquence age has taught me charity of speech but it fails me when i think of those three names chapter xvii the great r is cf all valuable knowledge and m of paris were still d g and the twelve lies do ten days so i spent about the town with hue ts ao pleasure tn our spirits being and the outlook for and darker all the time c v t contrasted our circumstances x hi fr and with her dark s u i cur with her lonely ur of one sort and another with tt she was used to liberty but k i was an out of door creature s i but now she was shut up day i k a an animal she was x ik mc now she was always in a ik about her were dim and jl w i to thousand various w hi r rt e cheer and music of a busy s i c w only the monotonous foot of arc fall of the pacing his watch she had been fond of talking with her mates but now there was no one to talk to she had had an easy laugh but it was gone dumb now she had been born for and and busy work and all manner of joyous but here were only and leaden hours and weary and brooding stillness and thoughts that travel day and night and night and day round and round in the same circle and wear the brain and break the heart with weariness it was death in life yes death in life	34
that is what it must have been and there was another hard thing about it all a young girl in trouble needs the soothing solace and support and sympathy of persons of her own sex and the delicate offices and gentle which only these can furnish yet in all these months of gloomy in her never saw the face of a girl or a woman think how her heart would have leaped to see such a face consider if you would realize how great of arc was remember that it was out of such a place and such circumstances that she came week i after week and month after month and confronted the master of france single handed and baffled their schemes defeated their plans detected and avoided their traps and broke their lines their i and on the field after every engagement steadfast always true to her faith and of arc her torture the stake and answering threats of eternal death and the pains of hell with a simple let come what may here i take my stand and will abide yes if you would realize how great was the soul how profound the wisdom and how luminous the intellect of of arc you must study her there where she fought out that long fight all alone and not merely against the brains and deepest learning of france but against the the meanest and the hardest hearts to be found in any land pagan or christian she was great in battle we all know that great in foresight great in loyalty and patriotism great in persuading discontented chiefs and conflicting interests and passions great in the to discover merit and genius wherever it lay hidden great in picturesque and eloquent speech great in the gift of firing the hearts of hopeless men with noble the gift of turning into heroes slaves and into that march to death with songs upon their lips but all these are they keep hand and heart and brain up to their work there is the joy of achievement the inspiration of stir and movement the applause which success the soul is overflowing with life and energy the faculties are at white heat weariness despondency these do not exist yes of arc was great always great every of arc where but she was greatest in the trials there she rose above the and of our human nature and accomplished under and and hopeless conditions all that her splendid of moral and intellectual forces could have accomplished if they had been by the mighty helps of hope and cheer and light the presence of friendly faces and a fair and equal fight with the great world looking on and wondering chapter xviii toward the end of the ten day interval the university of paris rendered its decision concerning the twelve articles by this finding was guilty upon au the counts she must her errors and make satisfaction or be abandoned to the arm for punishment the university s mind was probably already made up before the articles were laid before it yet it took it from the fifth to the to produce its verdict i think the delay may have been caused by temporary difficulties concerning two points i as to who the were who were represented in s voices j as to whether her saints spoke french only you understand the university decided emphatically that it was who spoke in those voices it would need to prove that and it did it found out who the were and named them in the verdict satan and this has always seemed a doubtful thing to me and not entitled to much credit i think so for this reason if the university had actually known it was those three it would for very s sake have told i how it knew it and not stopped with the mere assertion since it had made explain how she knew they were not does not that seem reasonable to my mind the university s position was weak and i will tell you why it had claimed that s angels were devils in disguise and we all know that devils do disguise themselves as angels up to that point the university s position was strong but you see yourself that it eats it own argument when it turns around and that u can tell who such are while denying the like ability to a person with as good a head on her shoulders as the best one the university could produce the doctors of the university had to see creatures in order to know and if was deceived it is argument that they in their turn could also be deceived for their insight and judgment were surely not clearer than hers as to the other point which i have thought may have proved a and cost the university delay i will touch but a moment upon that and pass on the university decided that it was for to say that her saints spoke french and not english and were on the french side in political sympathies i think that the thing which troubled the doctors of was this they had decided that the three voices were satan and two other devils but they had also decided that these voices were not on the french side thereby of arc asserting that they were on the english side and if on the english side then they must be angels and not devils the situation was embarrassing you see the university being the wisest and deepest and most body in the world it would like to be logical if it could for the sake of its reputation therefore it would study and study days and days trying to find some good common sense reason for proving the voices devils in article no i and proving them angels in article no lo however they had to give it up	34
they found no way out and so to this day the university s verdict remains just so devils in no i angels in no id and no way to reconcile the the brought the verdict to and with it a letter for which was full of praise the university him on his zeal in hunting down this woman whose had the faithful of the whole west and as it as good as promised him a crown of glory in heaven only a crown in heaven a note and no always something away off yonder not a word about the of which was the thing was destroying his soul a crown in heaven it must have sounded like a sarcasm to him after all his hard work what should he do in heaven he did not know anybody there on the nineteenth of may a court of fifty judges eat in the palace to discuss s of arc fate a few wanted her delivered over to the arm at once for punishment but the rest insisted that she be once more first so the same court met in the castle on the and was brought to the bar a of made a speech to in which he her to save her life and her soul by her errors and to the church he finished with a stern threat if she remained obstinate the of her soul was certain the destruction of her body probable but was immovable she said if i were under sentence and saw the fire before me and the ready to light it more if i were in the fire itself i would say none but the things which i have said in these trials and i would abide by them till i died a deep silence followed now which endured some moments it lay upon me like a weight i knew it for an omen then grave and solemn turned to have you anything further to say the priest bowed low and said nothing my lord prisoner at the bar have you anything further to say nothing then the debate is closed to morrow sentence will be pronounced remove the prisoner of arc she seemed to go from the place erect and noble but i do not know my sight was dim with tears to morrow twenty fourth of may exactly a year since i saw her go across the plain at the head of her troops her silver shining her silvery cape fluttering in the wind her white flowing her sword held aloft saw her charge the camp three times and carry it saw her wheel to the right and spur for the duke s saw her fling herself against it in the last assault she was ever to make and now that fatal day was come again and see what it was bringing i chapter xix had guilty of and all the other terrible crimes set forth in the twelve articles and her life was in s hands at last he could send her to the stake at once his work was finished now you think he was satisfied not at all what would his be worth if the people should get the idea into their heads that this of interested priests under the english lash had condemned and burned of arc of france that would be to make of her a holy martyr then her spirit would rise from her body s ashes j a thousand fold re enforced and sweep the english into the sea and along with it no the victory was not complete yet s guilt must be established by evidence which would satisfy the people where was that evidence to be found there was only one person in the world who could furnish it of arc herself she must condemn herself and in public at least she must to do it but how was this to be managed weeks had of arc been spent already in trying to get her to surrender time wholly wasted what was to persuade her now torture had been threatened the fire had been threatened what was left illness deadly fatigue and the sight of the fire the presence of the fire that was left now that was a shrewd thought she was but a girl after all and under illness and exhaustion subject to a girl s weaknesses yes it was thought she had said herself that under the bitter pains of the rack they would be able to a false confession from her it was a hint worth remembering and it was remembered she had furnished another hint at the same time that as soon as the pains were gone she would the confession that hint was also remembered she had herself taught them what to do you see first they must wear out her strength then frighten her with the fire second while the fright was on her she must be made to sign a paper but she would demand a reading of the paper they could not venture to refuse this with the public there to hear suppose that during the reading her courage should return she would refuse to sign then very well even that difficulty could be got over they could read a short paper of no importance then slip a long and deadly one into its place and trick her into that of arc yet there was still ther difficulty if they one made her seem to that would free her from the death penalty they could keep her in a prison of the church j but they could not kill her that would not answer for only her death would content the english alive she was a terror in a prison or out of it she had escaped from two already but even that difficulty could be managed would make promises	34
and the sixty two and lawyers who had sat as s judges in her late trials twenty steps in front of the was another a table of stone built up in retreating courses thus forming steps out of this rose that thing the stake about the stake bundles of and were piled on the ground at the base of the stood three crimson figures the r and his at their feet lay what had been a goodly heap of but was now a nest of ruddy coals a foot or two from this was a supply of wood and into a pile shoulder high and containing as much as six loads think of that we seem so delicately so so yet it is easier to reduce a granite statue to ashes than it is to do with a man s body the sight of the stake sent physical pains do vn the nerves of my body and yet turn as i would my eyes would keep coming back to it such fascination has the and the terrible for us the space occupied by the and the stake was kept open by a wall of english standing elbow to elbow erect and figures fine and in their polished steel while from behind them on every hand stretched far away a level plain of human heads and there was no window and no within our view distant but was black with patches and masses of people but there was no noise no stir it was as if the world was dead the of this silence and solemnity was deepened by a leaden twilight for the sky was hidden by a pall of low hanging storm clouds and above the remote horizon faint of heat lightning played and now and of arc one caught the dull and of distant at last the stillness was broken from beyond the rose an indistinct sound but familiar crisp phrases of command next i saw the plain of heads dividing and the steady swing of a marching host was between my heart leaped for a moment was it la hire and his no that was not their gait no it was the prisoner and her escort it was of arc under guard that was coming my spirits sank as low as they had been before weak as she was they made her walk they would increase her weakness all they could the distance was not great it was but a few hundred yards but short as it was it was a heavy tax upon one who had been lying chained in one spot for months and whose feet had lost their powers from yes and for a year had known only the cool of a and now she was dragging herself through this summer heat this and void as she entered the gate drooping with exhaustion there was that creature at her side with his head bent to her ear we knew afterward that he had been with her again this morning in the prison her with his and her with false promises and that he was now still at the same work at the gate imploring her to yield everything that would be required of her and assuring her that if she would do this all would be well with of arc her she would be rid of the dreaded english and find safety in the powerful shelter and protection of the church a miserable man a stony hearted man the moment was seated on the platform she closed her eyes and allowed her chin to fall and so sat with her hands in her lap indifferent to everything caring for nothing but rest and she was so white again white as how the faces of that packed mass of humanity lighted up with interest and with what intensity all eyes g upon this fragile girl and how natural s for these people realized that at last they were looking upon that person whom they had so long to see a person whose name and fame filled all europe and made all other names and all other insignificant by comparison of arc the wonder of the time and destined to be the wonder of all times and i could read as by print in their countenances the words that were drifting through their minds can it be true is it that it is this little creature this girl this child with the good face the et face i the beautiful face the dear and face that has carried by storm charged at the head of victorious armies blown the might of england out of her path with a breath and fought a long campaign solitary and alone against the brains and learning of france and had won it if the fight had been fair evidently had grown afraid of of arc because of his pretty apparent toward for another was in the chief place here which left my master and me nothing to do but sit idle and look on well i supposed that everything had been done which be thought of to tire s body and mind but it was a mistake one more device had been invented this was to preach a long sermon to her in that oppressive heat when the preacher began she cast up one distressed and disappointed look then dropped her head again this preacher was an he got his text from the twelve lies he emptied upon all the in detail that had been up in that mess of and called her all the brutal names that the twelve were with working himself into a of fury as he went on but his labors were wasted she seemed lost in dreams she made no sign she did not seem to hear at last he launched this o france how hast thou been abused thou hast always been the home of christianity	34
but now charles who calls himself thy king and governor like the and that he is the words and deeds of a worthless and infamous woman raised her head and her eyes began to burn and flash the preacher turned toward her it is to you that i speak and i tell you that your king is and a of arc ah he might abuse her to his heart s content she could endure that but to her dying moment she could never hear in patience a word against that that treacherous dog our king whose proper place was here at this moment sword in hand these and saving this most noble servant that ever king had in this world and he would have been there if he had not been what i have called him s loyal soul was outraged and she turned upon the preacher and flung out a few words with a spirit which the crowd recognized as being in accordance with the of arc traditions by my faith sir i make bold to say and swear on pain of death that he is the most noble christian of all christians and the best lover of the faith and the church there was an explosion of applause from the crowd which the preacher for he had been aching long to hear an expression like this and now that it was come at last it had fallen to the wrong person he had done all the work the other had carried off all the spoil he stamped his foot and shouted to the shut up that made the crowd laugh a mob has small respect for a grown man who has to call on a to protect him from a sick girl had the preacher s cause more with ire one sentence than he had helped it with a hundred so he was much put out and had trouble to get a good start again but he needn t have there was no occasion it was mainly an mob it had but obeyed a law of our nature an irresistible law to enjoy and a spirited and promptly delivered retort no matter who makes it the mob was with the preacher it had been for a moment but only that it would soon return it was there to see this girl burnt so that it got that satisfaction without too much delay it would be content presently the preacher formally summoned to submit to the church he made the demand with confidence for he had gotten the idea from and that she was worn to the bone exhausted and would not be able to put forth any more resistance and indeed to look at her it seemed that they must be right nevertheless made one more effort to hold her ground and said wearily as to that matter i have answered my judges before i have told them to report all that i have said and done to our holy father the pope to whom and to god first i appeal again out of her native wisdom she had brought those words of tremendous import but was ignorant of their value but they could have availed her nothing in any case now with the stake there and these thousands of enemies about her yet they of arc made every there and the preacher changed the subject with all haste well might those for s appeal of her case to the pope stripped at once of over it and all that he and his judges had already done in the matter and all that they should do in it went on presently to after some further talk that she had acted by command of god in her deeds and then when an attempt was made to the king and friends of hers and his she stopped that she said i charge my deeds and words upon no one neither upon my king nor any other if there is any fault in them i am responsible and no other she was asked if she would not those of her words and deeds which had been pronounced evil by her judges her answer made confusion and damage again i submit them to god and the pope the pope once more it was very embarrassing here was a person who was asked to submit her case to the church and who frankly offers to submit it to the very head of it what more could any one require how was one to answer such a answer as that the worried judges put their heads together and whispered and planned and discussed then they brought forth this sufficiently conclusion of arc but it was the best they could do in so close a place they said the pope was so far away and it was not necessary to go to him anyway because these present judges had sufficient power and authority to deal with the present case and were in effect the church to that extent at another time they could have smiled at this conceit but not now they were not comfortable enough now the mob was getting impatient it was beginning to put on a threatening aspect it was tired of standing tired of the heat and the thunder was coming nearer the lightning was flashing brighter it was necessary to hurry this matter to a close showed a written form which had been prepared and made all ready beforehand and asked her to what is she did not know the word it was e to her by she tried to understand but she was breaking under exhaustion and she could not gather the meaning it was all a and confusion of strange words in her despair she sent out this cry i appeal to the church universal whether i ought to or no exclaimed you shall instantly or	34
instantly be burnt she glanced up at those awful words and for the first time she saw the stake and the mass of red of arc coals and than ever now under the constantly deepening storm gloom she gasped and staggered up out of her muttering and and gazed upon the people and the scene about her like one who is dazed or thinks he dreams and does not know where he is the priests crowded about her imploring her to sign the paper there were many voices and urging her at once there was great turmoil and shouting and excitement among the and everywhere sign from the priests sign sign and be saved and was urging at her ear do as i told you do not destroy yourself said to these people ah you do not do well to me the judges joined their voices to the others yes even the iron in hearts melted and they said o we pity you so take back what you have said or we must deliver you up to punishment and now there was another voice it was from the other platform solemnly above the din s reading the sentence of death s strength was all spent she stood looking about her in a bewildered way a moment then slowly she sank to her knees and bowed her head and said i submit of arc they gave her no time to they knew the peril of that the moment the words were out of her mouth was reading to her the p and she was repeating the words after him mechanically unconsciously and for her wandering mind was far away in some happier world then this short paper of six lines was slipped aside and a long one of many pages was into its place and she noting nothing put her mark to it saying in pathetic apology that she did not know how to write but a secretary of the king of england was there to take care of that defect he guided her hand with his own and wrote her name the great crime was accomplished she had signed what she did not know but the others knew she had signed a paper herself a a dealer with devils a liar a of god and his angels a lover of blood a of cruel wicked of satan and this signature of her bound her to resume the dress of a woman there were other promises but that one would answer without the others that one could be made to destroy her pressed forward and praised her for having done such a good day s work but she was still dreamy she hardly heard then pronounced the words which dissolved the and restored her to her of arc beloved church with all the dear privileges of worship ah she heard that you could see it in the deep gratitude that rose in her face and it with joy but how transient was that happiness for without a tremor of pity in his voice added these crushing words and that she may repent of her crimes and repeat them no more she is to perpetual imprisonment with the bread of affliction and the water of anguish perpetual imprisonment she had never dreamed of that such a thing had never been hinted to her by or by any other had distinctly said and promised that all would be well with her and the very last words spoken to her by on that very platform when he was urging her to was a straight promise that if she would do it she should go free from she stood stunned and speechless a moment then she remembered with such as the thought could furnish that by another clear promise a promise made by himself she would at least be the church s captive and have women about her in place of a brutal foreign so she turned to the body of priests and said with a sad resignation now you men of the church take me to your prison and leave me no longer in the hands of the of arc english j and she gathered up her chains and prepared to move but alas i now came these shameful words from and with them a mocking take her to the prison whence she came poor abused girl she stood dumb smitten it was pitiful to see she had been lied to betrayed she saw it all now the of a drum broke upon the stillness and for just one moment she thought of the glorious promised by her voices i read it in the rapture that lit her face then she saw what it was her prison escort and that light faded never to revive again and now her head began a piteous rocking motion swaying slowly this way and that as is the way when one is suffering pain or when one s heart is broken then she went from us with her face in her hands and sobbing bitterly chapter t here is no certainty that any one in all i was in the secret of the deep game which was playing except the cardinal of then you can imagine the astonishment and of that vast mob gathered there and those crowds of assembled on the two when they saw of arc moving away alive and whole slipping out of their grip at last after all this tedious waiting all this nobody was able to stir or speak for a while so was the universal astonishment so the fact that the stake was actually standing there and its prey gone then suddenly everybody broke into a fury of rage and charges of treachery began to fly freely yes and even stones a stone came near killing the cardinal of it	34
just missed his head but the man who threw it was not to blame for he was excited and a person who is excited never can throw straight the tumult was very great indeed for a while of arc tn the midst of it a of the cardinal even forgot the so far as to the august bishop of himself p shaking his fist in his face and shouting by god you are a traitor you lie responded the bishop hi a traitor i oh far from it he certainly was the last frenchman that any had a right to bring that charge against the earl of lost his temper too he was a soldier but when it came to the when it came to delicate and and he couldn t see any further through a than another so he burst out in his frank warrior fashion and swore that the king of england was being used and that of arc was going to be allowed to cheat the stake but they whispered comfort into his ear give yourself no uneasiness my lord we shall soon have her again perhaps the like tidings found their w ay all around for good news travels fast as well as bad at any rate the presently down and the huge apart and disappeared and thus we reached the noon of that fearful thursday we two youths were happy happier than any words can tell for we were not in the secret any more than the rest s life was saved we knew that and that was enough france would of arc hear of this day s infamous work and th why then her gallant sons would flock to her standard by thousands and thousands multitudes upon multitudes and their wrath would be like the wrath of the ocean when the storm winds sweep it and they would themselves against this doomed city and it like the tides of that ocean and of arc would march again t in six days seven days one short week noble france grateful france indignant france would be thundering at these gates let us count tiie hours let us count the minutes let us count the seconds o happy day o day of ecstasy how our hearts sang in our for we were young then yes we were very young do you think the exhausted prisoner was allowed to rest and sleep after she had spent the small remnant of her strength in dragging her tired body back to the no there was no rest for her with those on her track and some of his people followed her to her straightway they found her dazed and dull her mental and physical forces in a state of they told her she had that she had made certain promises among them to resume the apparel of her sex and that if she the church would cast her out for good and all she heard the but they had no meaning to her she was like a person who of arc taken a and is dying for sleep dying for rest from dying to be let alone and who mechanically does everything the asks taking but dull note of the things done and but them in the memory and so put on the go vn which and his people had brought and would come to herself by and by and have at first but a dim idea as to when and how the change had come about went away happy and content had resumed woman s dress without protest also she had been formally warned against he had witnesses to these facts how could matters be better but suppose she should not why then she must be forced to do it did hint to the english guards that if they chose to make their prisoner s and than ever no official notice would be taken of it perhaps so since the guards did begin that policy at once and no official notice was taken of it yes from that moment s life in that was made almost do not ask me to upon it i will not do it chapter r rid ay and saturday were happy days for and me our minds were full of our splendid dream of france aroused france shaking her mane france on the march france at the gates in ashes and free our imagination was on fire we were with pride and joy for we were very young as i have said we knew nothing about what had been happening in the the afternoon we supposed that as had and been taken back into the bosom of the church she was being gently used now and her made as pleasant and comfortable for her as the circumstances would allow so in high contentment we planned out our share in the great rescue and fought our part of the fight over and over again during those two happy days as happy days as ever i have known sunday morning came i was awake enjoying the lazy weather and thinking thinking of the rescue what else i had no other thought now i was absorbed in that drunk with the happiness of it of arc s i i i heard a voice shouting far down the street and soon it came nearer and i caught the words of arc has the witch s time has come it stopped my heart it turned my blood to ice that was more than sixty years ago but that triumphant note rings as clear in my memory to day as it rang in my ear that long vanished summer morning we are so strangely made the memories that could make us happy pass away it is the memories that break our hearts that abide soon other voices took up that cry scores hundreds of	34
voices all the world seemed filled with the brutal joy of it and there were other the clatter of rushing feet merry congratulations bursts of coarse laughter the rolling of drums the boom and crash of distant bands the sacred day with the music of victory and about the middle of the afternoon came a summons for and me to go to s a summons from but by that time distrust had already taken possession of the english and their again and all was in an angry and threatening mood we could see plenty of evidences of this from our own windows black looks tumultuous tides of furious men by along the street and we learned that up at the castle things were going very badly indeed that there was a great of arc mob gathered there who considered the a lie and a trick and among them many english soldiers moreover these people had gone beyond words they had laid hands upon a number of who were trying to enter the castle and it had been difficult work to rescue them and save their lives and so refused to he said he would not go a step without a from so next morning sent an escort of soldiers and then we went matters had not grown meantime but worse the soldiers protected us from bodily damage but as we passed through the great mob at tlie castle we were assailed with and shameful i bore it well enough though and said to myself with secret satisfaction in three or four short days my lads yon will be your tongues in a different sort from this and i shall be there to hear to my mind these were as good as dead men how many of them would still be alive after the rescue that was coming not more than enough to amuse the a short half hour certainly it turned out that the report was true had she was sitting there in her chains clothed again in her male attire she accused nobody that was her way it was not in her character to hold a servant to account for what his master had made him do and her mind had cleared now and she knew that the advantage of arc which had been taken of her the previous morning had its origin not in the subordinate but in master here is what had happened while slept iii the early morning of sunday one of the guards stole her female apparel and put her male attire in its place when she woke she asked for the other dress f but the guards refused to give it back she protested and said she was forbidden to wear the male dress but they continued to refuse she had to have clothing for modesty s sake moreover she saw that she could not save her life if she must fight for it against like this so she put on the forbidden garments knowing what the end would be she was weary of the struggle poor thing we had followed in the wake of the vice and the others six or eight and when i saw sitting there forlorn and still in chains when i was expecting to find her situation so different i did not know what to make of it the shock was very great i had doubted the perhaps possibly i had believed in it but had not realized it s victory was complete he had had a harassed and irritated and disgusted look for a long time but that was all gone now and contentment and serenity had taken its place his purple face was full of tranquil and malicious happiness he went trailing his robes and stood in front of with his legs apart and remained so more than c of arc a minute over her and enjoying the si t of this poor ruined creature who had won so lofty a place for him in the service of the meek and merciful of the world lord of the universe in case england kept her promise to him who kept no promises himself presently the judges began to question one of them named who was a man with more insight than prudence remarked upon s change of clothing and said there is something suspicious about this how could it have come about without on the part of others perhaps even something worse thousand devils screamed in a fury will you shut your mouth traitor shouted the soldiers on guard and made a rush for with their it was with the greatest difficulty that he was saved from being run through the body he made no more attempts to help the inquiry poor man the other judges proceeded with the why have you resumed this male habit i did not quite catch her answer for just then a soldier s slipped from his fingers and fell on the stone floor with a crash but i thought i understood to say that she had resumed it of her own motion but you have promised and sworn that you would not go back to it of arc i question i full of anxiety to hear her answer to that id when it came it was just what i was she said quite quietly i have never intended and never understood myself to swear i would not resume it there i had been sure all along that she did not know what she was doing and saying on the platform thursday and this answer of hers was proof that i had not been mistaken then she went on to add this but i had a right to resume it because the promises made to me have not been kept promises that i should be allowed to go to mass and receive the communion and that i should be freed from the	34

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