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of park of a sunday afternoon she was in a new white flannel dress and dark blue hat the day was warm and clear and a of was sailing about the little lake we sat down and watched them and the ducks the in green blue and white boats with the white in the a book about myself of the lake reflected in the water all was oh she said at one place with a little gasping sigh which moved me by its pathos isn t it lovely t we are so happy when we are together aren t wet yes oh i wish we were married if we had a little place of our own i yon could come home to me and i could make you such nice things i promised her happy days to come but even as i said it i knew it would not be i did not think i could build a life on my salary i did not know that i wanted to life was too wide and she seemed to sense something of this from the very beginning and clung close to me now as we walked looking up into my eyes smiling almost sadly as the hours slipped away into dusk and the hush of evening suggested change and the end of many things she sighed again oh she said as we reached her if we could just be together always and never part i we will be i said but i did not believe my own words it was on this spring night that she attempted to persuade me not by words or any great craft but merely by a yielding pressure to take her and make her fully mine i fancy she thought that if she yielded to me physically and found herself with child my sympathy would cause me to marry her we in her own home threw some pillows on the floor and there in my arms she kissed and me begging me to love her but i had not the wish i did not think that i ought to do that thing then it was after this that the upward turn of my fortunes began i was involved in the mock war for over three weeks and for two weeks following that with my dreams of leaving in this rush of work and in paying some attentions to miss i neglected shame fully once for ten days not calling at her house or store or writing her a note one sunday morning troubled about me and no doubt she attended the culture a book about myself lecture in the grand where i often went on coming out she met me and i greeted her affectionately but she only looked at me with sad and eyes and said oh you don t really care any more do you you re just a little sorry when you see me well you needn t come any more i m going back to harry i m only too glad that i can she admitted that me she had never dropped him entirely but had kept him calling occasionally this me and i said to myself what is she that i should worry over imagine and this double dealing essential as it was then cut me to the quick although i had been doing as much and more when i thought it out i knew that she was entitled to protect herself against so uncertain a love as mine even then i could have taken her she practically asked me to but i offered reasons and excuses for delay i went away both angry and sad and the following sunday having received the from st louis i left without her indeed i about on this score with myself until saturday night when asked me to go to dinner with him afterwards when i hurried to her home she was not there this me even though i knew she never expected me any more of a saturday night i returned to my room and gloomy packed my and then decided that i would go back after midnight and knock at her door remembering that my train left at seven thirty next morning and having no doubt that she was off with my rival i decided to punish her after all i could come back if i wished or she could come to me i wrote her a note then went to bed and slept until six thirty when i arose and hurried to make my train in a little while i was off through those wide flat yards which lay adjacent to her home and with my nose pressed against the window a driving rain outside i could see the very windows and steps by which we had so often sat my heart sank and i ached i decided at once to write her upon my arrival in st louis and beg her to come not to become my wife perhaps but my mistress i gloomily all day as a book about myself i sped southward myself as a without money home family love anything i tried to be sad thinking at the same time what wonderful things might not be going to befall me but i was leaving i was leaving my home all that was familiar and dear i i felt as though i could not stand it as though when i reached st louis i should take the next train and return chapter xvi the time was november st as i stepped off the train that sunday evening after leaving in cold dreary state seemed a warmer the air was soft almost but st louis could be cold enough too as i soon discovered the station then at twelfth and the new union station at and market was then building an affair of brick and stone with the tracks stretching in rows in front of it | 43 |
and reached by board walks laid at right angles to them seemed shabby and inconvenient to me after the better ones of st louis i said to myself was not as good as was rough powerful active st louis was sleepy and slow this was due however to the fact that i entered it of a sunday evening and all its central portion was still contrasted with it was not a metropolis at all while rich and successful it was a creature of another mood and of slower growth i learned in time to like it very much but for the things that set it apart from other cities not for the things by which it sought to rival them but on that evening how dull and commonplace it seemed how slow after the wave like of energy that appeared to shake the very air of i made my way to a hotel called the silver moon recommended to me by my and where one could get a room for a dollar a meal for twenty five cents outside of joseph b editor of the and o former editor of the republic to whom i bore a letter there was no one to whom i might commend myself i did not care i was in a strange city at last i was out in the world now really away from my family my great interest was in life as a spectacle this singing mystic state in which i found myself life the great sea i life the wondrous riddle i a book about myself after eating a bite in the almost darkened of tliis hotel i at once went out into pine street and stared at the street cars yellow red orange green brown avenue tower avenue my first business was to find the building a eight story and brick affair standing at sixth and pine i stared at this building in the night looking through the great plate glass windows at an lined office and finally went in and bought a sunday paper i went to my room and studied this paper then slept thinking of my coming introduction in the morning i was awakened by the of countless cars going to the stationary i was struck at once by the of the water a dark brown which deposited a yellow in the glass was that the best st louis could afford t i asked myself in youthful derision i drank it just the same went down to breakfast and then out into the city to see what i should see i bought a a republican party paper by the way an of age and change of and a republic the one morning paper and then walked to sixth and pine to have another look at the building in which i was to work i wandered along and fourth street the street of the old sought out the river and stared at it that vast river lying between banks of yellow mud then i went back to the office of the for it was the time when its editor in chief might choose to put in an appearance joseph b little of field s verse was a short thick rather and person of irish he was short sturdy rather than i was instantly drawn and thrown back by his stiff reserve a negro boy had waved me along a marble hall on the seventh to a room at the end where i was met by an office boy who took in my name and then ushered me into the great man s presence i found him at a roll top desk in a minute office and he was almost buried in discarded newspapers i learned after a book about myself ward that he would never allow these to be removed until he was all but crowded out i was with whatever high estimate i had conceived of myself had out by the time i reached his door i was now surveyed by keen gray irish eyes from under brows um urn i was all he to say see mr in the city room mr um your salary will be um twenty dollars to begin with he was a cigar and his words and he turned to his papers not a word not a sign that he knew i had ever written a line worth while i returned to the handsome city room and found only empty i sat down and waited fully of an hour examining old papers and staring out of the windows over the roofs until mr like his employer he was thick set a bigger man physically but less attractive he had a round closely head and a severe and expression he reminded me of in a savage fat man can anything be worse f he went to his desk with a quick stride when he entered never noticing me when i approached and explained who i was and why i was there he scarcely gave me a glance the afternoon won t be ready till he commented better take a seat in the next room it was then only eleven thirty and i went into the next room and waited it was empty but warm on this chilly day how different from i thought evidently being called to a newspaper by was not to be interpreted as that one was to lie on a bed of roses a little bit afraid to leave for this hour in case he might call i hung about the two windows of this room staring at the new city how wonderful it seemed now this morning after the quiet of the night before how strong and in this november air the streets and sky were full of smoke there was a of street car below and the of endless a block or two away loomed up a tall a book about myself building | 43 |
of the order twelve stories at least most of the were small old family dwellings into stores i about the life of the city its charms its prospects what did it hold for me t how long would i remain this paper afford me any real advancement f i make a great impression and rise t as i was thus meditating several newspaper men came in one was a short fellow with a golden brown and a shock of brown hair whose name i subsequently learned was hazard a fitting name for a newspaper he wore a hat a short cream colored overcoat which had many wrinkles about the skirts in the back and striped trousers he came in with a brisk air slightly his feet as he walked and took a desk which was nothing more than a of one long desk fastened to the wall and divided hy of light oak as soon as he was seated he opened a drawer and took out a pipe which he briskly filled and lighted and then began to examine some papers he had in his pockets i liked his looks there sauntered in next a pale creature in a steel gray suit of not too new a look who took a seat directly opposite the first comer his left hand in a brown glove hung at his side apparently it was of wood or stuffed leather later there arrived a negro of very intellectual bearing who took a seat next the second arrival then a stout looking man with dark eyes dark hair and skin which gave me a feeling of something in his disposition the next arrival was a small man about like a little mouse and having somewhat of a look in his eyes who seemed to be attached to the main city room in some capacity a curious company gradually filed in fourteen or fifteen all told i gave up trying to catalogue them and turned to look out the window the little bustling creature came through the room several times looked at me without to si however and put his head in at the door and whispered to the attendant group the book s ready at this there was an immediate stir nearly all of the men got a book about up and one by one filed into the next room that they were going to consult the book i but my name was not down in my ty editor usually called each individual to him in person here each man was supposed to discover his from a written page i returned to the room when i found my name was not down wondering what i should be used for the others were not l gone before i was sought by the mouse by name who whispered the city editor wants to see you and then for the second time i faced this gloomy man whom i had already begun not only to dislike but to fear he was dark and savage in his mood to me at least whether unconsciously so or not i do not know his broad face set with a straight full nose and a wide thin mouth gave him a frozen outline he seemed a queer type to be attached to so remarkable a as there s been some trouble down at this number he said handing me a slip of paper on which an address was written a fight i think see if you can find out anything about it i hurried out immensely relieved to get into the fresh air of the city i finally made my way to the place only to find a vacant lot thinking there might be some mistake i went to the nearest police station and inquired nothing was known fearing to fall down on my first i returned to the lot but could learn nothing gradually it began to dawn upon me that this might be merely a trial a bright idea of the frowning fat man a bearings i had already conceived a vast contempt for him a in my path i thought no wonder he came to hate me as i learned afterward he did i wandered back through the city looking at the strange little low houses it was the region between the river and north about a mile above the and at the character of the stores never in my life had i seen such old buildings all brick and all a book about myself crowded together with solid wood or iron shutters after those of france from whence its original came and having something of the of the poorer quarters of paris about them and windows composed of very small panes of glass evidences of the influence of france i am sure their seemed so dark so of an old time life the streets also appeared old fashioned with their their and turns and the very little space that lay between the i felt as though the people must be different from those in less less when i reached the office i found that the city editor mr had gone the little individual was at one of the divisions of the wall desk near mr s big one into a mass of copy the while he scratched his ear or with his pencil or jumped about in his seat is mr about f i inquired no replied the other briskly he never gets in much before four o clock anything you want to i m his assistant he did not dare say assistant city editor his superior would not have one he sent me out to this place but it s only a vacant lot did you look all around the neighborhood sometimes you can get news of these things in the neighborhood you know when you can t get it right at the spot i often do that yes i answered i inquired all | 43 |
i answered lying about the latter in order to give myself a better standing than otherwise i might have they re good papers aren t they yes pretty fair the news has the largest evening circulation we have some good papers here too this is one of the biggest the is pretty good too it s the biggest evening paper do you know how much circulation this paper hast i inquired oh about fifty thousand i should say that s not so much compared to circulation but it s pretty big for down here we have the biggest circulation of any paper in the s one of the greatest in this country outside of in new york the greatest of any if were in new york he d be bigger than he is by do you run many big news stories sometimes not often the goes very light on local news they play up the telegraph on this paper because we go into and and and all these other states around here we use worth of telegraph news here every year and he said it as though he were part owner of the paper i liked him very much i opened my eyes at this news and thought of it in relation to my own work it did not promise much for a big feature on which i might spread myself we talked on becoming more and more friendly in spite of the city editor whom i did not like i now began to like this place although i could feel that these men were more or less held down and frozen the room was much too a book about myself quiet for a healthy western room the too chill we talked of st its me its principal hotels the southern the and the la i learned that its oldest and best the had recently been torn down and was going to be some day what were the chief lines of news it seemed that fires were here as elsewhere the great things far most things of national and import a had occurred and this new acquaintance of mine had been working on it had handled it alone as he said like all citizens of an american city he was pro st louis anxious to say a good word for it the finest portion of it he told me was in the west end i should see the wonderful new and places there was a great park here over fourteen hundred acres in size a wonderful thing a new bridge was building in north st louis and would soon be completed one that would relieve traffic on the bridge and help st louis to grow there was a small city over the river in east st louis and a great railroad association which controlled all the local railroad and each trunk line six dollars a car to enter and each passenger twenty five cents it s a great and a damned shame but what can you dot was his comment traffic on the was not so much now owing to the that it but still it was interesting the already familiar noise of a roll top desk broke in upon us from the next room and i noticed a hush fall on the room what an atmosphere i thought after a few moments of silence my new friend turned to me and whispered very softly that s the city editor coming in he s a proper as find he smiled wisely and began again he didn t look so pleasant to me i replied as softly i ve quit here twice he whispered the next time i go i won t come back i don t have to stay here and he knows it i can get a job any day on the chronicle and wouldn t have to a book about myself work hard either that s an evening paper i stay here because i like a morning paper better that s all there s more to it everything s so and kicked together on an evening paper but he doesn t say much to me any more although he doesn t like me you d think we were a lot of and this place a he frowned we dropped into silence again i did not like this thought of difficulty thrust upon me what a pity a man like was not here i he doesn t look like much of a newspaper man to me i observed and he isn t either has him here because he saved his life once in a fight somewhere down in i think or that s what they tell me we sat and read the sound of city life below had died out and one could hear the scratching of pens were written up and turned in and then the about dangling their legs from spring back chairs smoking pipes and whispering as the clock the round body of appeared in the doorway his fair tinted darkened by a faint you boys can go now he pronounced solemnly all arose i among them and went to a closet where were our hats and i was tired and this atmosphere had depressed me what a life i had i come down here for the thought of the small news end which the local life received depressed me also i could not see how i was to make out i went down to a rear the only one running at this time of night and came out into the dark street where a carriage was waiting i assumed that this must be for the famous editor it looked so comfortable and waiting at the door in the darkness for an editor who as i later learned might not choose to leave until two i went on to my little room at the hotel filled with ideas of how some day i should be | 43 |
a great editor and have a carriage waiting for me yes i felt that i was destined for a great end for the present i must be content to look around for a modest room where i could sleep and bide my time and opportunity s a i found a room the next morning in pine street only a doors from this hotel and a block from my new o it was a hall bedroom one of a long series which i was to occupy dirty and i recall it still with a sickening sense of its and yet its and did not then trouble me so much did i not have the boon of youth and ambition which make most material details unimportant t some of a woman it to me and outside were those red yellow blue green and orange street cars and roaring and by all night long inside were four narrow gray walls a small wooden bed none too clean sheets and pillow cases a yellow i brought over my bag arranged the few things i thought need not be kept under lock and key and returned to the streets i need not bother about the office until twelve when the were handed out or the book as reverently called it was laid out for our inspection and now spread before me for my and entertainment was the great city of st louis and life itself as it was itself to me through this city this was the most important and interesting thing to me not my new position well that was important enough considering the difficulty i had had in securing it what was more i was always driven by the haunting fear of losing this or any other position i had ever had of not being able to find another a left over fear perhaps due to the impression that poverty had made on me in my extreme youth just the same the city came first in my imagination and desires and i now began to examine it with care its principal streets shops hotels its residence district what a pleasure to walk about to stare to dream of better days and great things to come just at this time st louis seemed to be upon the verge of a book about myself and improvement an old section of on the business was rapidly giving way to a of small stores and cheap already several new buildings of the style of were either contemplated or in process of construction there was a new the the largest in the city composed entirely of merchants in the section which had just been opened and about which the papers were making a great stir there was a new contracted for one of the finest in all the country so i was told which was to house all the roads entering the city a new city hall was being talked of an enormous thing to be out in the west end where progress seemed the most vital were new streets and truly magnificent residence places and guarded these in which were ranged many of the rich the first time i saw one of these i was staggered by its exclusive air and the beauty and even grandeur of some of the great houses in it newly here were great gray or white or affairs bright almost gaudy with great astonishing flights of stone steps heavily and richly draped windows immense and by degrees i came to know the trade and poor sections of the city here were long throbbing streets crowded with successful companies along the was a mill area backed up by wretched as poor and and dingy as any i have ever seen elsewhere were long streets of middle class families all alike all with white stone or and tiny front yards the atmosphere of the after a time came to have a peculiar appeal for me because it was so completely by the robust personality of he was so natural unaffected rugged as time passed he steadily grew in my estimation and by degrees as i read his paper his powerful brilliant and saw how and he managed all things in connection with himself and his men the very air of st louis became of him he was a real force a great man so famous was he a book already that men came to st louis from the and elsewhere just to see him and his office i often think of him in that small office sitting waist deep among his papers his heavy head on his like chest his feet in white and low like his whole air one of complete mental and physical in his work a few years later he committed suicide out of sheer weariness i assume tired of an world yet it was not until long after when i was much better able to judge him and his achievements that i understood what a really big thing he had done built up a journal of national and even significance in a region which one would have supposed could never have supported anything more than a to trade interests as hazard had proudly informed me the annual bill for telegraph news alone was a sum which in the light of subsequent achievements in america may seem insignificant but which at that time meant a great deal he seemed to have a desire to make the paper not only good as that word is used in connection with newspapers but great and from my own memory and impression i can testify that it was it had and in and news the whole of europe as well as america was and reflected in order that his readers might be entertained and retained and each day one could read news of curious as well as of scientific interest from all over the world its were in the main wise and jovial | 43 |
were constantly talking about it the world the world of youth at least seemed to be concerned with why should not i bet chapter xix no picture of these my opening days in st louis would be of the slightest import if i could not give a fairly satisfactory portrait of myself and of the blood moods or so called spiritual aspirations which were me at that time i had already attained my full height six feet one and one half inches and weighed only one hundred and thirty seven so you can imagine my figure aside from one eye the right which was turned slightly outward from the line of vision and a set of upper teeth which because of their exceptional size were crowded and so stood out too much i had no particular except a general of feature it was a source of worry to me all the time because i imagined that it kept me from being interesting to women which apparently was not not to all women at least i was what might be called a poetic crossed with a vivid lust of life i doubt if any human being however poetic or however material ever looked upon the scenes of this world material or spiritual so called with a more eye my body was blazing with sex as well as with a desire for material and social to have wealth to be in society and yet i was too cowardly to make my way with women readily rather they made their way with me love of beauty as such feminine beauty first and foremost of course was the characteristic of all my moods joy in the arch of an the color of an eye the flame of a lip or cheek the romance of a situation spring trees flowers evening walks the moon the of an arm or a hip the delicate turn of an ankle or a foot spring moonlight under trees a lighted lamp over a dark lawn what have i not endured because of these my mind was on what love could bring me once i had the prosperity and fame which somehow i foolishly a book about myself fancied commanded love and at the same time i was horribly depressed by the thought that i never have them never and that thought for the most part has been fulfilled in addition to this i was filled with an intense sympathy for the woes of others life in all its helpless degradation and poverty the dreams of people their labors the things they were compelled to endure nameless curses the things they would never have their half formed dreams of pleasure their and beaten at the end i have sobbed dry sobs looking into what i deemed to be broken faces and the eyes of human failures a shabby district or doorway a drunken woman being before a magistrate a child dying in a hospital a man or woman injured in an accident the times tears have leaped to my eyes and my throat has become and painful over scenes of the streets the the i i have cried so often that i have felt myself to be a at other times i have been proud of them and of my great against fate and the cruelty of life if there is a ood conscious and personal and he considers the state of man and the of his laws and his how he must smile at little insect man s estimate of him it is so so that only a devil could enjoy it i was happy enough in my work although at times lest all the pleasures that can come to youth from health courage wealth and opportunity should fail me while i was working and trying to get somewhere i had health yet i imagined i had not because i was not a an and my stomach due to an gave me some trouble as to courage when i examined myself in that direction i fancied that i had none at all would i slip out if a dangerous were anywhere certainly well then i was a coward could i stand up and defend myself against a man of my own height and weight i doubted it particularly if he were well trained in consequence i was again a coward there was no hope for me a book about among decently men i play f no not i was a of the worst kind nearly everybody do those things and nearly all youths were far more in all the of life than was i manners dancing knowledge of dress and occasions hence i was a fool the of the least could overcome me the most minute society man if correct was infinitely my superior hence what had i to hope for and when it came to wealth and opportunity how poor i seemed i no girl of real beauty and force would have anything to do with a man who was not a success and so there i was a complete failure to begin with the and pains that went with all this the amazing depression all but how often have i looked into comfortable homes and wished that some kindly family would give me shelter i and yet half knowing that had it been offered i would have refused it how often have i looked through the windows of some successful business firm and wished i had achieved or a position similar to that of any of the officers and inside to be president or vice president or secretary of something some great business of some kind god how sublime it seemed and yet if i had only known how the tool of could be made i it mattered not then that i was doing fairly well that most of my had been friendly and as to my | 43 |
welfare that the few girls i had approached had responded freely enough still i was a failure i rapidly became familiar with the city news department of the its needs aside from great were simple enough the doings of of various kinds men the plans of city when those could be discovered the news of hie courts city police courts the deaths of well known people the in society special functions of one kind and another fires for the first few nothing of im a book about myself happened i was given the task evenings of looking in at the north seventh street police station a district to see if anything had happened and was naturally able to add to my depression by contemplating the life about there again i attended various churches to hear sermons the irish of the city edward butler an amazing person with a head like that of a or who immediately took a great fancy to me and wanted me to come and see him again which i did once he has always in my mind as one of the odd of my life he lived in a small red brick family dwelling just beyond the area of st louis which stretched out along chestnut street between twelfth and twenty second and was the city s sole out of which he was supposed to have made countless thousands as well as one of its principal horse having many shops and was incidentally its or republican i forget which a position he retained until his death i first saw him at a political meeting during my first few weeks in st louis and the manner in which he arose the way in which he addressed his hearers the way in which they listened to him all impressed me subsequently being sent to his house i found him in his small front parlor a yellow on the marble table horse hair furniture about tiie room a red carpet of of his mother and father but what force in the man what innate of manner and speech he seemed like a prince disguised as a blacksmith so ye ve come to interview me he said soothingly ye re from the well that paper s no particular friend of mine but ye can t help that can yet and then he told me whatever it was i wanted to giving me no least true light you may be sure at the conclusion he offered me a drink which i refused as i was about to leave he surveyed me pleasantly and ye re a likely lad he said laying an immense hand on one of my lean shoulders and ye re jest out in life a book about myself i can bee well be a good boy ye re in the newspaper where ye can make friends or enemies just as ye choose and if ye behave right ye can just as well make friends come an see me some time i like yer looks i m always here an when i m not a some kind right here in this little front room or in the kitchen with me wife i might be able to do something fer ye sometime remember that i ve a good influence here ye have to write what ye re told i know that so i won t be offended so come an see me an remember that i want ye and he gently ushered me out and closed the door behind me but i never went at least not for anything for the one time i asked him for a position for a friend who wanted to work on the local street cars as a conductor he wrote across the letter give this man what he wants it was the man brought it back to me before presenting it and was signed edward butler but the man was given the place at once although butler was an earnest catholic he was supposed to control and tax the vice of the city which chaise may or may not have been true one of his sons owned and managed the leading house in the city a vulgar at which the ticket was frank james brother of the amazing who and the as an at one time and enriched endless novel afterward as dramatic critic of the later i often saw him butler s son a more or less type of popular with a certain element in st louis was later elected to i wrote up a labor meeting or two and at one of these saw for the first time v the head of the dominant labor organization the knights of labor this meeting was held in a dingy hall at ninth or tenth and a dismal institution known as the s club or some such thing as that which had a single red light hanging out over its main entrance this long leader afterward so much discussed in the so press was a book about myself on a wretched platform by local labor leaders and discussed in a none too brilliant way i thought the need of a closer union between all classes of labor in regard to all matters relating to the rights of labor and capital i was at this time perfectly ignorant although i was a myself in a fair sense of the word i was more or less out of sympathy with not as a class struggling for their rights i did not know what their rights or wrongs were but merely as individuals i thought i suppose that they were not quite as nice as i was not as refined and superior in their aspirations and therefore not as worthy or at least not destined to succeed as well as i i even then felt dimly what subsequently after many rough i came to accept as a fact that some people are bom dull | 43 |
some shrewd some wise and some ignorant some tender and some savage ad some are silk and others ears and cannot be made the one into the other by any accident of either poverty or wealth at this time however after listening to mr and taking notes of his speech i came to the conclusion that all had a just right to much better pay and living conditions and in consequence had a great cause and ought to stick together i also saw that mr was a very shrewd man and something of a very simple seeming and yet not so something he said or did i believe it was a remark to the effect that i always say a little prayer whenever i have a in my side irritated me it was so so english chapel i like and he was an englishman as i recall it anyhow i came away him and his local labor group and yet liking his cause and believing in it and wrote as favorable a comment as i dared the was not pro exactly at least i did not understand so and yet it was by no means pro either if i recall correctly it merely gave the facts and let it go at that chapter xx my connection with the had many aspects chief among which was my rapidly developing consciousness of the significance of and its relation to the life of the nation and the state my career had begun only five months before and preceding that i had had no newspaper experience of any kind the most casual reader of a newspaper would have been as good as i in many respects but here i rather the significance of it all the power of a man like for instance for good or evil the significance of a man like butler in this community i still had a lot to learn the extent of in connection with politics in a city the power of a newspaper to make sentiment in a state and so help to carry it for a gk or a president the political talk i heard on the part of one newspaper man and another doing politics as well as the leading in this and other papers which just at this time were concerned with a coming fight and a in the state between rival leaders of the republican party completely cleared up the situation for me i listened to all the gossip read the papers carefully wondered over the and of state in connection with our national government just over the river in everybody was concerned with the administration of john p governor of the state and whether he would pardon the whose death sentences recorded a few years before had been to life imprisonment on this side of the river everybody was interested in the administration of william stone who was the governor a man by the name of h was certain to be the next mayor if the won and according to the they ought to win because the city needed to be the local board of was supposed to be the a book myself most corrupt in all america how many cities have yearly thought that each of its governing body since the nation began i and edward the mayor was supposed to be the lowest and creature that ever stood up in shoes the chief of the globe were frequently concerned with blazing of him as far as i could make out he had joined with various and certain members of council to steal from the city sell its valuable for a song and the like he had also joined with the police in helping the gambling and houses of gambling and were never so as now so our good paper stated the good people of the city should join and help save the city from destruction how familiar it all sounds doesn t well this was and i have heard the same song every year since in every american city in which i have ever been gambling et must be among our national weaknesses just the same in so far as this particular office and the country about st louis were concerned joseph was of immense significance to his staff and the natives plainly he was like a god to many of them the farmers and in small towns in states like and in southern where his paper chiefly for they came to the office whenever they were in the city merely to get a glimpse of him he was held in high esteem by his staff and was one of the few of his day who really deserved to be within his office he had an group of followers which included from the managing editor down the chief says the chief thinks f the old man looks a little this morning what do you think t wait the old man hears about that he ll be that ought to please the old man don t you think he likes a bit of good writing yet for all this chatter the old man never seemed to notice much of anything or have much to say to any one except possibly to one or two of his leading writers and his telegraph editor if he ever conferred with his stout city editor a book about myself for more than one moment at a time i never saw or heard of it and if anything seen or heard by anybody in connection with him was not whispered about the room before nightfall or daybreak it was a marvel of concealment occasionally he might be seen down the hall to the or to the room of his telegraph chief but most always it was merely to take his carriage or walk to the southern hotel at one o clock for his luncheon or at six for his dinner his hat pulled over | 43 |
placed a revolver to his temple and ended it all why i have often wondered he was seemingly so well fitted mentally and physically to enjoy life or is it mental fitness that really the taste for life t i would not dwell on him at such length save for some other things which i propose later to for the moment a book about myself i wish to turn to another who impressed me as a most curious compound of indifference wisdom literary and x sense and a hard social cunning he had a capacity for as some one in the o once it a and profane life he was the chief police re ih at a building known as the four courts an institution which among other things four chambers of as well as the county jail the city wards the office of the district attorney the chief of police chief of the city attorney and a room where all the local were permitted to gather and were furnished paper ink tables a more dismal atmosphere than that which prevailed in this building and in similar institutions in all the cities in which i ever worked would be hard to find in it was the city hall and county with its police attachment in the county jail in new york the and criminal courts building with police as a part of its grim attachment i know of nothing worse these places essential as they are are always low in tone vile and nearly all they touch they have a effect upon those with whom they come in contact and upon those who are employed to administer law or justice lawyers political judges police agents and court officials generally what a company i have never had anything to do with one of these institutions in any city as or assisting friend without anew the and horror of legal administration the petty that are by and minor officials the of low brains the pomp of ignorant officials the cruelty and cunning of agents of justice set a thief to catch a thief clothe these officials as you will in whatsoever of whatsoever splendor or give them of and walls of them as you choose high and this and that still they remain the degraded things they have always been equals of the and the crimes they are supposed a book about myself to do away with it cannot be helped it is a law of of creation to take care of it to its has its and so with and those petty officials of the lower courts and who are set to catch them but this is a wandering paragraph and has little to do with except that he was of and yet not of this particular atmosphere the first time i saw him i felt compelled to study him for he seemed somehow to suggest this atmosphere to which he was appointed as he was in a way and yet with pleasing the man for this task he had a sense of humor and a devil may care approach to all this whenever anything of real import broke loose he was always the one to be upon for information or aid because he was in dose touch with the police and who were his and ready to aid him and whenever anything happened that was beyond his power to manage he called up the office for aid on more than one occasion some mystery coming up i was the one to help him the supposition being that it was likely to yield a big story bigger than he had time for being a court i then sought him out at the four courts and was given what he knew whereupon i began on my own account nearly always i found him about with other and a chair back possibly a game of cards going on between him and the of other papers a bottle of in his pocket to save time as he once remarked and a girl or two present friends of one or other of these newspaper men their he would rise and explain to me just what was going on er in my ear the name of some other newspaper man who had been put on the case by one of the other papers perhaps ask me to mention the name of some shabby policeman or who had been assigned to the case one who was a good fellow and who could be depended upon to help us in the future i often had to smile he was so and yet so wise in his position so matter of fact and commonplace about it all a book about myself he would give me the most information as to how the news got ont he and john somebody or other were down at s place in chestnut street the other night where he heard from a who was telling somebody else who told somebody else and so on then if there was a prisoner in the case he would take me to him or tell me where some individual or the body was to be found if there was a body then after i had gone about my labors he would return to his card game his girl and his bottle there were stories afloat of with these girls or the using of some empty room in this building for purposes with the consent of officials and all about of course this atmosphere of detained at trial hurrying parents and members of families weeping mothers and sisters a mess on an average of twice a month during my stay in st louis i was called to this building on one errand and another and always i went with a and sinking sensation and always i came away from it breathing a sigh of relief to me it was a horrible place a hole | 43 |
of suffering and error and and yet enough i know chapter xxi i was walking down the marble hall of our floor one day not long after i arrived when i noted on a door at its extreme end the words art department the in had no art department at least i never discovered it the mere word art although i had no real understanding of it was fascinating to me was it not on every tongue t a man who painted or drew was an artist was one for instance and i the two together in i had of course known that each paper should have an art department and that interested me in this one what were artists i had never known one another day i was on my way to the when i discovered that i had come away without the key a of which every department possessed the art department door being nearest i entered to borrow theirs behold three if not distinguished looking individuals at work upon drawings laid upon drawing boards two of these looked up the one nearest me with a look of criticism in his eye i thought the one who answered me when i asked for the key and who swiftly arose to get it for me was short and with tramp like hair and there was something that of opera about him and yet as i could see he took himself seriously enough there was something pleasing in his voice too as he said certainly here it is and smiled the one who had looked up at first and frowned but made no move was much less cheery i recall the long thin sallow face the coal black hair long and coarse which was parted most carefully in the middle and down at the sides and back over the ears until it looked as though it had been and the eyes black and small and and as was the mouth with drawn lines at each comer as a book about myself though he had endured much pain that long loose flowing black tie and that soft white or blue or green or brown linen shirt would any latin have been without he had thin pale bony hands long and graceful and an air of touch thou me not one the man appealed to and me at a glance appealing to me much more later and ever remained a human something to endure laugh at surely dick wood or richard wood artist as his card read might safely be placed in any of the ridiculous and delicious this visit provided a mere glance however when i returned the key i was given no encouragement a little later my ability to write having been fairly established i was given a rather large order for one so new a double page spread with illustrations for the sunday issue relating to the new then under construction i was told to see that the art department supplied several drawings one in particular of a proposed iron and glass train shed which was to cover thirty two tracks also one of a clock tower two hundred and thirty two feet high this seemed a very honorable one since it was to carry drawings and i went about it with and enthusiasm it was who told me to look to the art department for suitable illustrations evidently the art department knew all about it before my arrival for upon inquiry i found that p b he of the tramp like hair and whiskers was to make the pictures his manner pleased me he was so cordial so together we visited the and a few days later he called upon me in the room to ask me to come and see what he had done having in regard to most things the same point of view we were soon the best of friends a more or less affectionate relationship was then and there established which endured until his death sixteen years later during all of that period we were scarcely out of touch with each other and through him i was destined to achieve some of my of life see peter twelve men and the amazing wood i i have never encountered another a book about myself like him possibly because for years i have not been associated with young people who are frequently full of a more romantic ass than wood never lived nor one with better sense in many ways in regard to newspaper drawing he was only a fairly respectable if so much but in other ways he was fascinating enough he and were compelled at that time to use the old chalk plate process for much of their hurried work a thing which required the artist to scratch with a steel upon a chalk covered surface blowing the chalk away from his outlines as he made them this created a dust which both and wood complained of as being disagreeable and hard on the lungs wood who pretended to be dying of consumption and did die of it sixteen years later within a month of his friend made an awful row about it although he could easily have done much to mend matters by taking a little exercise and keeping out of doors as much as possible but he preferred to over a or before a fire on every occasion he was given to playing the of the martyr he was morbid as was i only he it much more in his manner he had much the same desire as i had at the time to share in the of marble halls and palaces and high places generally and like myself he had but little chance fresh from a commonplace american town he was by the commonplace dream of marrying rich and coming into the imaginary of that west end life of st louis which was so interesting to both of us | 43 |
his exploits in i had been sent for to come to this paper that was the great thing i was for by no less a person than john t one of the famous newspaper men of st louis and a former city editor of this same paper also by a mr somebody the washington correspondent of the paper for whom i had worked in on the world s fair he had hurried to the art department with his tales of me wishing i fancy to be on friendly and happy terms there dick however considered s judgment as less than nothing himself an a mere office rat to have him endeavor to introduce anybody was too much at first he received me very coldly then finding me perhaps better than he thought he hastened to make friends with me the hours with these two that followed not peter and dick would dine together at some down a book about myself town or if a of work were on and they were compelled to linger they had a late supper in some german saloon it was peter who first invited me to one of these late and later wood did the same bnt this last was based on another development in connection with myself which i should here the office of the proved a bed for literary talent hazard had some fifteen or eighteen months before in company with another newspaper man of whom later i heard amazing things written a novel entitled which was plainly a fire kindled by those blazing french and the scene was laid in paris imagine two western newspaper men who had never been out of america writing a novel of french life and laying it in paris and had much of the atmosphere of s the delicious of s the or eat man from the provinces never having read either of these authors at this time i did not see the but later i saw it plainly one or both of these men had fed up on the french to such an extent that they were able to create the illusion of france for me at least and at the same time to fire me with a desire to create something perhaps a novel of this kind but a play it seemed intensely beautiful to me at the time this book with its frank pictures of raw greedy human nature and its open pictures of and vice the way this came about was interesting but i would not relate it save that it had such a marked effect on me i was sitting in the city room later one gloomy december afternoon having returned from a fruitless when a letter was handed me it was and addressed in the handwriting of up to then i had allowed matters to drift having as i have said written but one letter in which i rather indifferently for having come away without seeing her but my conscience had been me so much that when i saw her writing i started i tore the letter open and read with a sense ol shame a book about myself dear i got your letter the day a left but then it was too late i know what you say is true about your being called away and i don t blame you i m only sorry our quarrel there had been none save of my making didn t let you come to see me before you left still that was my fault too i i t blame you entirely for that that isn t what i m writing you for you know that you haven t been the same to me as you once were i know how you feel i have felt it too i want to know if you won t send me back the letters i wrote you tou won t want them now please end them and believe i am as ever your friend there was a little blank space on the paper and then i stood by the window last night and looked out on the street the moon was shining and those dead trees over the way were waving in the wind i saw the moon on that little pool of water over in the field it looked like silver oh i wish i were dead as i read this i ed up and clutched the letter the pathos of it me to the quick to think i should have left her to think i should be here and she there why hadn t i written t why had i these many days f of course she wished to die and i what of me t i went over the situation and tried to figure out what i should do should i send for twenty dollars a week was very little for two my legitimate expenses made a total of eleven a week i wished to keep myself looking well to have a decent room to eat three fair meals a day and i was in no position to return to where i had earned less then my new with wood and as well as with other newspaper men nearly all of whom liked to drink were me something extra i could not associate with them without buying an occasional drink i did not see where i was to save much or how i could support a wife in addition there was the of my position here i could not very well leave it now having just come from by nature where things material of were concerned i was timid but little inclined to battle for my rights or desires and consequently not often them i was in a trying situation for i had as i have said let it appear to that money was no object with the vanity of youth i had always talked of my good salary and comfortable | 43 |
the like here at last then was the equivalent of dick s wealthy girl i sat thinking about plays somewhat modified in my grief over for the but none the less aware of its tremendous sadness i read over my poem and thought it good even beautiful i must be a x i copied it and put a in s letter and folded my own copy and put it in my pocket close to my heart it seemed as though i had just a golden key to a world of beauty and light where sorrow and want could never be chapter thb central character of hazard s book was an young and very beautiful her lover was a newspaper man deeply in love with her and yet not faithful in one instance anyhow this brought about a scene in which she another with a there was treacherous on the part of somebody in regard to a local murder which brought about the arrest and conviction of the newspaper man for something he knew nothing about this a great struggle on the part of to save him which resulted in her failure and his death on the a priest figured in it in some way grim to this day some of the scenes of this book come back to me as having been done the fight between the two for one thing a midnight feast with several the gallows scene a confession i am not sure of the name of the newspaper man who with hazard on this work but the picture of his death in an joint later painted for me by hazard and the of his daily life stand out even now as like he must have been blessed or cursed with same such temperament as that of foe dark gloomy reckless poetic for he was a and died of be that as it may this work never published so far as i know was the opening for me into the realm of being distinctly of and the method was new and to me impressive it has always struck me as curious that the first novel written by an american that i read in manuscript should have been one which by reason of its subject matter and the character of the american mind could never be published these two youths knew this hazard handed it to me with the statement of course a thing like this could never be published a book about myself over here we d have to get it done abroad that struck me as odd at the time the fact that if one wrote a fine thing nevertheless because of an american standard i had not even thought of before one might not get it published how queer i thought yet these two artists had already encountered it they had been to the extent of thinking it necessary to write of french not american life in terms of fact such things as they felt called upon to relate occurred only in never here or at least such things if done here were never spoken of i think it nothing less tragic that these men or boys fresh with a burning desire to present life as they saw it were thus completely by the moral of the american mind and did not even dare to think of sending their novel to an american hazard was deeply impressed with the of attempting to do anything with a book of that kind the wouldn t stand for it you couldn t write about life as it was you had to write about it as somebody else thought it was the ministers and farmers and of the home yet here he was as was i busy in a profession that was revealing the fact that this sweetness and light code this idea of a perfect world which contained neither sin nor shame for any save vile and was the lie that was ever upon an all too human world not a day not an hour but the pages of the very newspaper we were helping to fill with our observations were full of the most pictures of the lack of virtue honesty kindness even average human intelligence not on the part of a few but of nearly everybody not a business apparently not a home not a political or social organization or an individual but in the course of time was guilty of an of some kind of this seemingly perfect and unbroken social and moral code but in spite of all this judging by the page the pulpit and the noble of the average citizen speaking for the benefit of his friends and neighbors all men were honest only they weren t all women were virtuous and without evil intent or design but they weren t all mothers were a book about myself gentle self pictures for songs and schools only they weren t all fathers were kind affectionate saving only they weren t but when describing actual facts for the news columns you were not allowed to indicate these things side by side with the most amazing columns of crimes of every kind and description would be other amazing columns of sweet about love and about the perfection of the american man woman child his or her sweet deeds intentions and the like a wonderful dose and all this last in the face of the other which was supposed to represent the false state of things merely passing accidental errors that did not count if a man like hazard or myself had ventured to a true picture of facts from the news columns of the papers from our own experiences into a story or novel what a howl would have followed much more swiftly in that day than in this for today at least some of the facts is fifteen years later hazard told me he still had his | 43 |
book buried in a trunk somewhere but by then he had turned to adventurous fiction and a year later as i have said be blew his brains out just the same the book made a great impression on me i it gave me a great respect for hazard made me really fond of him and it fixed my mind definitely on this matter of writing not a novel curiously but a play a form which from the first seemed easier for me and which i still consider so one in which i work with greater ease than i do in the novel i mentioned to wood and that hazard and another man had written a novel and that i had read it i must have over it for both were impressed and i myself seemed to gain standing especially with wood it was generally admitted then that hazard was one of the best in the city and my being taken into his confidence in this fashion seemed to wood to be a significant thing and not long after that i had something else to tell these two which carried great weight there was at that time on a book about myself the page of the paper a column entitled heard in the which was nothing more than a series of imaginary with passing at the various hotels or into short tales about six to the column one at least being to a guest at each of the three principal hotels the others standing aa things heard at the union station or upon the street somewhere previous to my arrival this column had been written by various men the last one having been the already famous w g then editor of the brilliant by the time i arrived however had departed and the column had hazard was doing a part of it another but both were tired of it at first when i considered it a little extra work added to my daily i was not so pleased indeed it seemed an all but impossible thing to do later however after a trial i discovered that it gave free rein to my wildest which was exactly what i wanted i write any sort of story i pleased romantic or lunatic and credit it to some imaginary guest at one of the hotels and if it was not too improbable it was passed without comment at any rate when this was assigned to me i went forth to get names of personages stopping at the hotels i inquired for as a rule the clerks could give me no information or were indifferent and seemed to take very little interest in having the hotel advertised i returned and my brain decided that i could manufacture names as well as stories and forthwith six such names as came into my mind the next day these were all duly published and i was told to do the column as well as my regular my had won me a new task without any increase in pay however it seemed an honor to have a whole column assigned to me and this honor i communicated to and wood it was then that either wood or informed me that had done it previously and had written snake stories for the paper into the bargain this flattered me for they pictured him for what he was a rare soul and i a book about myself felt myself growing peter had illustrated some of these tales for him for as he said with mock dignity i am the official snake artist of this paper that very night as a reward for my i was invited by dick to come to his room the room the where he inflicted about nine of his horrible upon me i would not make so much of this great honor if it were not for what it meant to me then the room was large and dark on between market and with the cars below it contained one great white bed a long table covered with the papers and literary of mr wood and was decorated and with that gentleman s conception of what constituted literary on the walls hung dusty representing the death of hamlet and the tempting of in one corner over a chest of drawers was the jagged blade of a sword fish and in another a most curious display of oriental the top of the wardrobe was surmounted by a head representing that somewhat de creature known in england as ally a clear space at one comer of the table held a tin for carrying beer and the floor like the walls was covered with some dusty brown material which might once have been a carpet owing to the darkness of the and the brightness of the fire the room had a very cheery look say dick did you see where one of s plays had made a great hit in new asked he s made a strike this time no replied dick solemnly among the coals of the grate and drawing up a chair sit down pull up a chair peter this confounded grate whenever the wind s from the south still there s nothing like a grate fire we drew up chairs i was revolving in my mind the charm of the room and a vision of greatness in play writing these two men seemed involved with the perfection of the arts in this atmosphere with such companions i felt that i could accomplish and soon a book about lu tell you how it is with the game of play writing observed dick you have to have imagination and feeling and all that but what a more important than anything is a little business sense to know how to get in with those fellows you might have the finest play in the in your pocket but if you didn t know how to dispose of it | 43 |
what good would it do none at all you got to know that end first he reached over and pulled the coal into position as a and then looked at the ceiling the play s the thing put in peter if you could write a real good play you wouldn t need to worry about getting it aw wouldn t ii listen to that now i commented dick i tell you peter you don t know anything about it you only think you do that s all say did have a good play in his pocket or didn t you neck he did did he get it t no you boots he didn t don t talk to me i know by his manner you would have thought he had a standing bone to pick with peter but this was only his way it made me laugh well the play s the first thing to worry about anyhow i observed i wish i were in a position to write one why don t you try f suggested you ought to be able to do something in that line i bet you could write a good one we fell to discussing peter with his eye for gorgeous effects and the like immediately b an to describe the effects and scenery of a opera laid in which was then playing in st louis you ought to go and see that he urged it s something wonderful the effect of the in the first act with the crying the prayers from the towers in the distance is great then the harmony of the color work in the stones of the buildings is something exquisite you want to see it i felt myself glowing this intimate conversation with men a book about myself of marked artistic ability in a room too which was the reflection of an artist s personality raised my sense of latent ability to the highest point not that i felt i was not fit to associate with these people i felt that i was more than fit their equal at every point conceal it as i might but it was something to come in touch with your own to find real friends to the manner bom who were your equals and able to with you and appreciate your every mood a man who had found such friends as these so quickly surely need never worry ill tell you what i propose to do peter while you people are talking observed dick i propose to go over to frank s and get a can of beer then i read you that story this proposal to read a story was new to me i had not heard wood had written one before i looked at him more keenly and a little flame of envy leaped to life in me to be able to write a short story or any kind of a story i he went to his wardrobe whence he extracted a black cape of which he threw about his shoulders and a soft hat which he drew over his eyes then took the tin x ail and a piece of money from a plate after the best fashion of the artistic of the day and went out i gazed after him touched by the romance of it all that face drawn sensitive with deep burning eyes and that frail body that cape that hat i that plate of yes this was i was now a part of that happy middle world which was superior to wealth and poverty i was in that serene realm where moved freely talent artistic ability noble thought ingenious action by conventional thought and conduct a great man should so live an artist certainly these two could and did do as they pleased they were not as others but wise sensitive delicately to all that was best in life and as yet the great world was not aware of their existence wood came back with the beer and then peter insisted that he read us the story i noticed that there was something in his manner he assured me that all of dick s a book about myself stories were every one that time alone was required for world wide recognition dick picked up a single manuscript from a heap i don t want to inflict this on you he said sweetly and we had planned to do this before i knew you were coming that s the way he always talks put in peter dick loves to stage things but they re great stories just the same i leaned back prepared to be thrilled dick drew up his chair to the table and adjusted a green shaded gas lamp close to the table s edge he then unfolded his ms and began reading in a low well semi pathetic voice which seemed very effective in the more sentimental passages i sat and listened the tale was nothing a mere but oh the wonder of it was i not in the presence and friendship of artists was not this had i not long heard and dreamed of it well then what difference whether the tales were good or bad f they were by one whom i was compelled to admire an artist pale sensitive one who at the slightest show of or lack of appreciation might leave me and never see me more i listened to about nine without dying declaring each and every one to be the best i had ever heard perfect j chapter xxiv from now on because of this companionship my life in st louis took on a much more cheerful aspect hitherto in spite of my work and my natural interest in a strange city i had had intensely gloomy moments my favorite when i was not out on an or otherwise busy was to walk the streets and view the lives and of others not thinking | 43 |
so much how i might advantage myself and my affairs as how for some the lightning of chance was always striking in somewhere and plans leaving destruction and death in its wake for others luck or fortune i never was blinded to the gross by nature and this i resented largely it may be because it was not or i thought it was not in my behalf later in life i began to suspect that a gross in regard to certain things at least was being in my behalf i was never without friends never without some one to do me a good turn at a critical moment never without love and the sacrifice of beauty on the part of some one in my behalf never without a certain amount of applause or was i worthy of i knew i was not and i felt that the powers that make and control life did not care two whether i was or not life as i had seen and felt from my earliest thinking period used people sometimes to their advantage sometimes not occasionally as i could see i was used to my advantage as well as to that of some one or something else occasionally i was used as i thought to my disadvantage now and then when i imagined i was being used most it was not so at all as when for a period i found myself unable to write and so compelled to turn to other things a turning which resulted in better material later on at this time however i felt that whatever the quality of the gifts handed a book about myself me or the done me they were as nothing compared to some and again i was honestly and interested in the horrible inflicted upon others their weaknesses of mind and body a of all sizes and sorts the way so often they helplessly or were driven by internal fires as in the case of the fascinating and beautiful minded john t to their own that great soul that warm heart the opportunity for indulging in these moods was due to the fact that i had plenty of time on my hands that just at this time i was more interested in seeing than in reading and that the three principal hotels here southern fashion were most hospitable their and even their with comfortable rocking chairs where one might sit and dream or read or view the passing scene with idle or eye my favorite hotel was the rather large and not impressive but still successful and popular which stood at the comer of sixth and washington avenue here i would repair whenever i had a little time and rock in peace and watch the crowd of strangers to and fro the manager of this hotel a brisk rather interesting and yet job american seeing me sit about every afternoon between four thirty and six and knowing that i was from the finally began to greet me and ask occasionally if i did not want to go up to dinner how lonely and forlorn i must have looked on and christmas of this my first season there seeing me idle and alone he asked me to be his guest i accepted not knowing what else to do to make it seem like a real invitation he came in after i was seated at the table and sat down with me for a few minutes he was so charming and the hotel so brisk and crowded that i soon felt at home the daily routine of my work seemed to provide ample proof of my suspicions that life was grim and sad regularly it would be a murder a suicide a failure a which i would be assigned to cover and on the same day there would be an important wedding a business or political banquet a a book about myself ball or a entertainment of some kind which would provide the necessary contrast to prove that life is and and to some lavish to others mere money often inherited or made by shabby methods seemed to throw commonplace and even wretched souls into such glittering and in this world at least many of the business men with whom i came in contact were their wives and daughters vain and coarse and i was constantly impressed by the airs of the prominent their craving for show and pleasure their insane for personal mention their hearty indifference to anything except money a keen wish to seem to despise it i remember going one afternoon to an imposing residence where some function was in progress i was met by an butler who exclaimed most nobly my dear sir who sent you here the knows we never give lists to newspaper men we never admit and then stiffly closed the door on me i reported as much to the city editor who remarked meekly well that s all right and gave me something else to do but the next day a list of the guests at this function was published and in this paper i made inquiry of who said oh the society editor must have turned that in these society women send in their lists beforehand and then say they don t receive another time it was the residence of the catholic of st louis a very old but shrewd man whom so it was in newspaper circles the local priests were to make appear and in order that a favorite of theirs might be made i was sent to inquire about his health to see him if possible at the door i was met by a sleek dark priest who inquired what i wished whereupon he assured me that the was too feeble to be seen that is exactly why i am here i insisted the globe wishes to inform the public of his exact condition there seems to be a belief on the part | 43 |
of some that he is not as ill as is given out a book about myself what i you ns of concealing something in connection with the i this is and he firmly shut me oat it seemed to me that the straightforward thing have been to let me meet the he was a public official the state of whose health was of interest to thousands but no official control regulated that shortly afterward he was declared too feeble to perform his duties and a was appointed again i was sent to a fashionable west end hotel to interview a visiting governor who was attending a reception of some kind and who as we understood was leaving the next day my dear young fellow said a connected with the entertainment committee you cannot do anything of the sort this is no time to be coming around for anything of this kind but he is leaving tomorrow i cannot help that you cannot see him now how about taking him my card and asking him about tomorrow t no no no i cannot do anything of the sort you cannot see him and once again i was briskly forth i recall being sent one evening to attend a great public ball of some kind the veiled which was held in the general selling room of the stock exchange at third and and which followed as a rule some huge parade the city editor sent me for a general view or introduction or pen picture to be used as a lead to the full story which was to be done by others for this occasion i was ordered to hire a dress suit the first i had ever worn which cost the paper three dollars i remember being greatly disturbed by my appearance once i got in it and feeling very queer and conspicuous i was greatly troubled as to what sort of impression my garb would make on the various members of the staff as to the latter i was not long in doubt say look at our friend in the hammer will a book about myself this from hazard he looks like a real society man to mc you mean called who is he i don t seem to remember him those come near being a fit don t this from some one who had laid hold of the side lines of the i could not make up my mind whether i wanted to fight or laugh or whether i was handsome or a howling but the thing that weighed on me most was the luxury enough perhaps to those intimately connected with it which this ball presented contrasted with my own state after spending three hours there bustling about examining flowers getting names details of and drinking various drinks with whose sole duty appeared to be to look after the press and see that they got all details straight i returned to the office and began to pour forth a glowing account of how beautiful it all was how gorgeous how perfect the women how their how gracious and graceful the men how oriental or or i forget which were the the nights or the of the who does not recognize this newspaper poured forth from one end of america to another for everything from a farmers or an i o p ladies day to an or a wedding as i was writing my head with the imaginary and impossible of the occasion i was informed by my city editor that when i was done i should go to a number in south st louis where only an hour before a triple or murder had been committed i was to go out on a street car and if i could not get back in time by street car i was to get a carriage and drive back at speed in order to get the story into the last edition the great fear was that the rival paper the would get it or might already have it and we would not and so my head fuu of pearls diamonds a world of flowers and a book about myself lights i was now out along the dark shabby lonely streets of south st louis to the of cottages in the of streets where among with lean at the back for was one which contained this story an irish policeman silent and indifferent was already at the small dark gate in the dark and silent street guarding it i another was inside the door which stood partially open and beyond in the in the darkness their faces all but a few people a word of explanation and i was admitted a faint glow from a small smoky glass lamp illuminated the front room darkly it turned out that a very honest simple religious and american of about fifty who had been working by the day in this neighborhood had recently been taken ill with brain fever and had on this night arisen from his feverish seized a crept into the front room where his wife and two little children slept and all three he had then returned to the rear room where a grown daughter slept on a couch beside him and had first her with the iron and then cut her throat with a butcher knife as the deed seemed and apparently it was the result of fever the policeman at the gate informed me that the father had already been taken to the four courts and that a hospital was due any moment but he s out his mind he insisted he s crazy sure or sick the fever no man in his right would do that i tried to to him but he couldn t say just like after my grand ball this wretched front room presented a sad and ghastly contrast the house and furniture were very poor the dead wife and children homely and seemingly | 43 |
work worn i noticed the dim smoky flame cast by the lamp the cheap bed and stained red the mother and two children lying in limp and painful disorder the dragged half off it was evident that a struggle had taken place for a a book about myself and table were upset the board thrown down a and the bed pushed shocked beyond measure yet with an eye to color and to the zest of the public for picturesque details i examined the three rooms with care the officer in the house following me together we looked at the in the kitchen what was in the cupboard to eat what in the closet to wear i made notes of the contents of the rooms their then went to the neighbors on either hand to learn if they had heard anything then in a stray owl car no carriages being available i hurried to the pour courts several miles to see the criminal i found him old pale sick thin walking up and down in his small iron cell plainly out of his mind a picture of hopeless unconscious misery his hands trembled idly about his mouth his shabby trousers about his shoes he was and weak looking and all the while he to himself some unintelligible sounds i tried to talk with him but could get nothing he seemed not even to know that i was there so brain sick was he then i questioned the jail attendants those dull of the law had he talked did they think he was with the usual and delicacy of this tribe they were inclined to think he was i hurried through dark streets to the office it was an almost empty room in which i my picture with the of youth and curiosity and sorrow and wonder i told it all the terror the pity the as i wrote each page was taken up by and sent up then having done perhaps a column and a half having arrived with various police theories i was allowed finally to out into a dark street and seek my miserable little room with its bed its dirty its ragged carpets and stained walls nevertheless i lay down with a kind of high pride and satisfaction in my story of the murder and my description of the ball and with my life in consequence i was not so bad i was getting along i must be thought an exceptional man to be picked for two such difficult tasks in the same evening life itself wa a book about myself not bad it was just as can that was all if one were clever like myself it was all right next morning when i reached the office and hazard and some others pronounced my stuff pretty good and i was beside with glee i strolled about as though i owned the earth pretending simplicity and humility but actually believing that i was the finest ever that no one could me at this game of chapter xxv interesting nearly as sharp and as well calculated to cause one to on the wonder the beauty the uncertainty the the cruelty and the rank of life were daily if not put before me now it would be some such murder as this or a social scandal of some kind often of a gross and character in some respectable neighborhood or a suicide of peculiarly sad or grim character or again it would be a fine piece of as when a certain board and f stable owner of the west end about to lose his property because of poor business and anxious to save himself by securing the set fire to the stable and destroyed seventeen healthy horses as well as one stable attendant and got away with it anyhow his plan had probably been to save the horses and the man but the plan i gathered as much from him when i him i put some questions at him but could get no on which to base a charge he was a shrewd calculating commercial type vigorous and semi savage he me and i had to write the fire up as a sad accident thereby him to get his the while i was convinced that he was guilty a hard hearted scoundrel another thing that i very clearly at this time was the fact that the average newspaper was a far better in his way than the legitimate official and not nearly so well paid the average so called man was a thing as low in his ideas and methods as the lowest criminal he was set to trap the criminal was at least shrewd and enough to plot and execute a crime whereas the had no brains at all merely a low kind of cunning often red headed with big hands and feet store clothes why does such a a book about myself picture of the come back to pop eyed with a ridiculous air of mystery and in matters requiring neither dirty fish eyed and merciless the about in different cases without a grain of humor whereas the average was by contrast anyhow intelligent or shrewd nearly always if at times a little inclined to drink and sport but genial often gentlemanly a fascinating story a keen nearly always one of the best frequently well read humorous sympathetic amusing or gloomy as the case might be but generally to be relied upon in such for truly work naturally there was some enmity between the two a contempt on the part of the newspaper man for the a fear and dislike and secret opposition on the part of the the would go forth on a case and as a rule given time enough would solve it whereas the police would be about often trailing the reading the newspapers to discover what had been discovered and then when the work had been done and the true furnished would step forward | 43 |
at the grand moment to do the and get their pictures and names in the papers the w re constantly playing into the hands of the police in unimportant matters during periods between great cases doing them little helping them in small cases in order that when a big case came along they might have done unto them the most important of all these of course was that of seeing that their names were mentioned in the papers as being engaged in a mystery or having done thus and so when in all some newspaper man had done it sometimes the tip as to where the criminal was likely to be found would be furnished by the papers and later to the police sometimes the newspaper men would lash the ik sometimes flatter them but always they were seeking to make the police aid them to get various necessary things done and not always succeeding sometimes the police were hand in glove with certain or evil and you could all but prove it but until you did so and sometimes after a book about ward th were stubborn and defy you and the papers but not for long they loved too much offer them and they would act it was nearly always my experience that the newspapers which meant the of course an efficient city editor and possibly a managing editor would be the first to worm out the of any given case and then point an almost finger at the criminal then the police or would come in and do the and get the credit another thing that impressed me greatly at this time was the character of newspaper work which in its personal significance to me cannot be too much as i have said one day it would be a crime of a lurid or character that would arrest and compel me to think and the same day within the hour perhaps it would be a or with some theory of life some like who in passing through st louis on a lecture tour would be at one of the best hotels usually the southern talking and again it would be some or of a low order a let us say of the or a like bishop or a third rate like the reverend sam jones who was then in his preaching hell or the arrival of a prize actor like john l then only recently defeated by or a of the order such as hall and there were distinguished individuals including such excellent as henry and henry m or a like or a of the standing of i was sent to interview my of these to get their views on something anything or nothing really for my city editor mr seemed at times a little cloudy as to their significance and certainly i bad no clear insight into what most of them stood for i wondered guessed made vague at what i thought they represented and in the main took them seriously enough my favorite question was what did they think of life its meaning since this was uppermost in my mind at the time and i think i asked it a book about myself of every one of them from john l to and what a of doctrines what a noble burst of ideas in a room at the southern delicately scented with flowers arrayed in a cool silken gray dress informed me that the age was material that and show were an illusion based on nothing at all i wrote that down without understanding what she meant that the had long since solved all this seeming mystery of living madame being the most recent and the greatest of wisdom in this matter and that the great thing to do in this world or the next was to improve and so eventually attain to a word i had to look up afterward when i told dick wood about her he seemed greatly impressed and said oh there s more to that stuff than you think you re just not up on all that yet these see more than we think they do and he looked very wise and henry imagine me at the age of trying to interview him when he was in the of his fame and mental powers short with a belly slightly gray hair and simple in manner and secure in his fame he had just the preceding summer said that candidate of the hour and later elected was certain to walk up an alley to a slaughter house and an open grave and had of course seen his fail he was convinced that the country was in bad hands not likely to go to the bow as yet but in for a bad spell and when i asked h m what he thought of life my son when you get as old as i am you probably won t think so much of it and you won t be to blame it s good enough in its way but it s a damned business you may say that henry said that if you like do the best you can and don t crowd the other fellow too hard and you come out as well as anybody i suppose and then john l raw red faced big drunken with gaudy waistcoat and tie and rings and pins set with enormous diamonds and what an a book about myself impression he made surrounded by local sports and of the most and degraded character he was a eat favorite with them he seemed to me sitting in his at the to be the of the gross and vigorous and material cigar boxes champagne beer bottles and shirts the floor and back in the midst of it all in ease and splendor his very great self a sort of prize fighting j p aw i can hear him even now when | 43 |
i asked him my favorite question about life his plans the value of exercise etc he wants to know about exercise i you re all right young slim but you ll do sit down and have some champagne have a cigar im some cigars george these young newspaper men are au all right to me i m for em exercise f what i think t i write any damned thing please young and say that john l said so that s good enough for me if they don t believe it bring it back here and sign it for but i know it ll be all right and i won t stop to read it neither that suit well all right now have some more champagne and don t say i didn t treat right cause i did i m ex champion of the world defeated by that little from but i m still john l ain t that right they can t take that away from me can have some more champagne boy i adored him i would have written he asked me to write i got up the very best article i could and published it and was told afterward that it was fine another thing that interested me about newspaper work was its pagan or character as contrasted with the heavy and point of view seemingly prevailing in the office proper the page of course as well as the world outside while the office might be preparing the most or regarding the worth of man the value of progress character religion morality the of the a book about myself home charity and the like the office and news rooms were concerned with no such fine theories the business office was all business with little or no thought of anything save success and in the city news room the mask was off and life was handled in a rough and ready manner without gloves and in a catch as catch can fashion did not go here innate honesty on the part of any one was not probable charity was a business with something in it for somebody morality was in the main for public consumption only the news get the news that was the great cry in the city room don t worry much over how you get it but get it and don t come back without it don t fall down don t let the other newspapers skin that is if you value your job i and write and write well if any other paper writes it better than you do you re beaten and might as well resign the public must be entertained by the writing of but the methods and the and the necessary at times for the gathering of news what a shock even though one realized that it was with life itself at most times one needed to be hard cold for instance one of the problems that troubled me most and to which there was no solution save to act or get out was how to get the facts from a man or woman suspected of some or error without letting him know that you were so doing in the main if you wanted facts of any kind especially in connection with the suspected you did not dare tell them that you came as an enemy or were bent on exposing them one had to approach all even the worst and most degraded as a friend and pretend an interest perhaps even a sympathy one did not feel to apply the oil of flattery to the soul to do less than this was to lose the news and while a city editor might readily forgave any form of he would never forgive failure cheat and win and you were all right be honest and lose and you were fired to appear wise when you were ignorant dull when you were not disinterested when you were interested brutal a book about myself or severe when you might be just the reverse these were the essential tricks of the trade and ly being sent out every day and about the of the various hotels at different times soon encountered other newspaper men who were as shrewd and as who had apparently but one motive in life to trim their fellow newspaper men in the matter of news or the public which provided the news there being only two morning papers here the and the republic the re i of each loved the others not even when personally they were inclined to be friendly they did not dare permit their personal likes to affect their work it was every man for himself meet a of the republic or the on a story he might be friendly enough but he would tell you nothing he wished either to you or worm your facts out of you meet him in the of the la where by common consent winter or summer most seemed to gather or at the comer outside and each would be friendly with the other trading tales of life going together to a saloon for a drink or to the a eating place on chestnut between fourth and perhaps a a quarter or a dollar until pay day but never with news or tips quite the reverse as i soon found one had to keep an absolutely close mouth as to all one might be doing the counsel of all of these men was to get the news in any way possible by hook or by and to lose no time in about it if a document was lying on an official s table for instance and you wanted to see it and could not persuade him to give it to you well if he turned his back it was good business to take it or at least read it if a photograph was desired and | 43 |
the one concerned would not give it and you saw it somewhere take it of course and let them complain afterward if they would your city editor was supposed to protect you in such matters ton might know of certain conditions of which a public official was not aware and the knowledge of which would cause him to talk in one way whereas lack of that knowledge would cause him a book about myself to talk in personally you might think it duty to tell him but as a newspaper man you could not it was your duty to your paper to sacrifice him if you didn t some one else would i was not long in learning all this and more and although i understood the necessity i sometimes resented having to do it there were times when i wanted to treat people better than i did or could sometimes i told myself that i was better in this respect than other newspaper men but when the test came i found that i was like the others as eager to get the news something akin to a dog s lust of the chase would in critical moments seize upon me and in my eagerness to win a newspaper battle i would forget or nearly every of and get it then victorious i might sigh over the sadness of it all and decide that i was going to get out of the business as i eventually did and for very much this reason but at the time i was weak or practical enough one afternoon i was sent to interview the current candidate for mayor an amiable soul who conducted a harness business and who was supposed to have an excellent chance of being elected the city had long been sick of republican or so our office seemed to think when i entered his place he was in the front part of the store discussing with several friends or the character of st louis its political and social its and the like and for some reason due to the personality of his friends he was very severe local among others came in for a good i did not know him but for some reason i assumed at once that the man talking was the candidate again i instinctively knew that if what he was saying were published it would create a sensation the lust of the hunter a wild animal immediately took possession of me what a beat to take down what this man was saying i what a stir it would make i without seeming to want anything in par i stood by a and examined the articles within soon he finished his and came to me well a book about myself i m from the globe i said i want to jou and i asked him some questions when he heard that i was from the he became visibly excited did yon hear what i was yes sir well yon know that i was not speaking for yes i know and you re not to forget that i understand just the same i returned to the office and wrote up the incident just as it had occurred my city editor took it glanced over it and departed for the front office i could tell by his manner that he was excited the next day it was published in all its crude reality and the man was ruined there were furious in the rival papers a lying was not only by mr the candidate but by all the other papers at once i was called to the front office to explain to mr which i did in detail he said it all did he asked and i insisted that he had i know it s true he said for other people have told me that he has said the same things before next day there was a defiant in the defending me my the fact that the truth of the interview was by previous words and deeds of the candidate various on the paper came forward to congratulate me to tell me what a beat i had made but to tell the truth i felt unkind i was an i had taken an unfair advantage and i knew it still something in me made me feel that i was fortunate as a i had done the paper a great service my editor in chief as i could see appreciated it no other immediate personal reward came to me but i felt that i had strengthened my standing here a little yet for that i had killed that man youth zest life the love of the chase that is all that explains it to me now chapter xxvi ht standing as a local newspaper man seemed to grow by leaps and bounds i am not certain almost events how often they have occurred in my life seemed to assist me far above my willing or even my dreams thus one morning i had come down to the city room to get something a paper or a book i had left before going to my late breakfast when a tall broad shouldered man wearing a hat and looking much like the typical colonel hurried into the office and exclaimed is the city editor here t he isn t down yet i replied an i can do for i just stopped to tell you there s a big wreck on the road up here near i saw it from the train as i passed coming down from a half dozen cars are burning if you people get a man up there right away you can get a big lead on this i a piece of paper for i felt instinctively that this was important some one ought to attend to it right away i looked around to see if there was any one to appeal to | 43 |
but there was no one what did you say the name of the place i inquired relied the stranger right near you can t miss it better get somebody up there quick i think it s something big i know how important these things are to you newspaper boys i used to be one myself and i owe the a few good turns anyhow he smiled and out i did not wait to see the city editor i felt that i was taking a big risk going out without orders but i also felt that something terrible had happened and that the occasion a book about myself it i had never seen a big wreck it be wonderful the newspapers always gave them so much space i wrote a note to the city editor explaining that the wreck was reported to be a great one and added that i felt it to be my duty to go at once perhaps he had better send an artist after me imagine me him on the way to the i thought of what i must do telegraph for an artist if the wreck was really important and then get my story and get back it was over an hour s run i got off at the nearest station to the wreck and walked the remaining distance which was a little more than a mile as i it i saw a crowd of people gathered about what was evidently the embers of a train and on the same track not more than a hundred feet away were three oil cars those evidently into which the passenger train had these cars were also surrounded by a crowd citizens of towns as it proved who were staring at them as the fire blazed about them as i learned later a fourth oil car had been smashed and the contents had poured out about these others of the oil group as well as the passenger train itself the oil had taken fire and consumed the train although no people were killed the significance of the scene had not yet quite dawned upon me however when for the second time in my life i was privileged to behold one of those terrible which it is given to few of us to see the oil cars about which the crowd was gathered having become by the burning oil beneath exploded all at once with a muffled report which to me i was no more than fifteen hundred feet away sounded like a deep breath by some powerful man the earth trembled the heavens instantly appeared to be with flame the crowd which only a moment before i had seen about the cars was now hurled back in confusion and i beheld men running some toward me some from me their bodies on fire or being i saw flames descending toward me long red things and the danger i turned and in a panic ran as fast as i could never stopping until i deemed myself at a a book about myself safe distance then i halted and gazed back hearing at the same time a of pitiful and screams which tore my heart death is here i said to myself i am witnessing a real tragedy a horror the part of the great mysterious force which makes and our visible scene is here and now but first of all i was a newspaper man i must report this run to it not away i saw dashing toward me a man whose face i could not make out clearly for at times it was partially covered by his hands which seemed at other times the hands waved in the air like and were burning his body was being consumed by a rosy flame which partially enveloped him his face whenever it became visible as he moved his hands to and fro was into a horrible unconscious of me as he ran he dashed like a fiery force to the low ditch which the railroad where he rolled and twisted like a worm i could scarcely believe my eyes or my senses my hair rose on end my hands i ran forward pulling off my coat and threw it over him to the spots of flame but it was of no use my coat began to burn with my bare hands i tore grass and earth from the ditch and piled them upon the sufferer for the moment i was beside myself with terror and misery and grief tears came to my eyes and i choked with the sense of helpless misery when i saw my own coat burning i snatched it away and stamped the fire out the man was burned beyond recovery the oil had evidently fallen in a mass upon the back of his head and shoulders and back and legs it had burnt his clothes and hair and cooked the skin his hands were black as well as his neck and ears and face finally he ceased to struggle and lay still groaning heavily but unconscious he was alive but that was all oppressed by the horror of it i looked about for help but seeing many others in the same plight i realized the of further labor here i could do nothing more i had stopped a book about myself the flames in the man s rolling in the ditch had done the but to what end hope of life was ridiculous i could see that plainly i turned like a soldier in battle and looked after the rest of the people to this hour i can see it all some running over the fields in the distance away from the now entirely exploded others approaching the fallen victims a house a little beyond the wreck was burning a small village not a thousand feet away was blazing in spots bits of oil having fallen upon the roofs people were running hither | 43 |
and thither like bending over and examining prostrate forms my first idea of course when i recovered my senses was that i must get in touch with my newspaper and get it to send an wood if possible and then get the news these people here would do as much for the injured as i could why waste my newspaper s time on ran to a little telegraph station a few hundred feet farther on where i asked the agent what was being done i ve sent for a wreck train he replied excitedly i ve the general hospital there ought to be a train and doctor here pretty soon any minute now he looked at his watch what more can i do t have you any idea how many are i don t know you can see for yourself can t you t will you take a message to the t i want to send for an artist i can t be with anything like that now he replied roughly i felt that an instant and caution enveloped him he hurried away how am i to do this i thought and then i ran studying and with the victims where aid seemed of the slightest use wondering how i should ever be able to report all this and awaiting tiie arrival of the hospital and train chapter it was not long before the wreck train arrived a thing of flat cars box cars and of an old pattern with hospital made ready en route and a number of doctors and nurses who scrambled out with the air and authority of those used to scenes of this kind meanwhile i had been wondering how long it would be before the wreck train would arrive and had set about getting my information before the doctors and authorities were on the scene when it might not be so easy i knew that names of the injured and their condition were most important and i ran from one to another of the groups that had formed here and there over one dying or dead asking them who it was where he lived what his occupation was curiously there were no women and how he came to be at the scene of the wreck some i found were passengers some of the village of or who had hurried over to see the wreck most of the passengers had gone on a train provided for them i had a hard enough time getting information even from those who were able to talk citizens from the town and those who had not been injured were too much frightened by the catastrophe or were a hand to do what they could they were not interested in a or his needs a group carrying the injured to the platform resented my intrusion and others searching the meadows for those who had run far away until they fell were too busy to bother with me still i pressed on i went from one to another asking who they were receiving in some cases replies in others merely groans with those laid out on the platform awaiting the arrival of the wreck train i did not have so much trouble they were helpless and there were none to attend them oh can t you let me alone exclaimed one man whose a book about myself face was a black crust can t yon see i m dying isn t there some one who will want to know i asked softly it me all at once that this was a duty these people owed to everybody their families and friends included you re right said the man with cracked lips after a long silence and he gave his name and an account of his experiences i went to others and to each who was able to understand i put the same question it won me the of those who were watching me all except the station agent seemed to see that i was entitled to do this and he could have been soothed with a bribe if i had thought of it as i have said however once the wreck train rolled in and nurses leaped down and men brought to carry away the wounded in a moment the scene changed the authorities of the road turned a frowning face upon inquiry and i was only too glad that i had thought to make my inquiries early however i managed in the excitement to myself in the train just as it was leaving so as to reach with the injured and dead and witness the transfer some died en route others moaned in a soul way i was beside myself with pity and excitement and yet i could think only of the manner in which i would describe describe describe once the time came just now i scarcely dared to make notes at the scene transferred itself gradually to the hospital where in spite of the of railroad officials i demanded as my right that i be allowed to enter and was finally admitted once in the hospital i completed my being now assisted by doctors and nurses who seemed to like my appearance and to respect my calling possibly because they saw themselves mentioned in the morning paper having every injured man obtaining his name and address where possible i finally went out and at the door a great throng of people men women and children who were weeping and for information one glance and i realized for all time what these of the world really mean to those dependent the white drawn faces a book about myself the liquid appealing eyes tragedy written in large characters do you know whether my john is in cried one woman john i replied will yon teu me who your john is t john he works on that road he was over there wait a moment i said reaching down in my | 43 |
get something to eat came in and said mr wants to speak to you my heart sank i went in and stood before him you called for met yes mr wants to see you it s all over i thought i can tell by his manner what a fool i was to build such high hopes on that story i went out to the hall and walked nervously to the office of the chief which was at the front end of the hall i was depressed i could have cried to think that all my fine dreams were to have such an end i that napoleon like creature was sitting in his little office his chin on his chest a sea of papers about him he did not turn when i entered and my heart grew heavier he was angry with me i i could see he kept his back to me which was to show me that i was not wanted done for i at last he wheeled you called for me mr i murmured he in his thick way his voice always sounded as though it were being by something or i wanted to say he added covering me with a single glance that i liked that story you wrote very much indeed a fine piece a book about myself of work a fine piece of i like to recognize a good piece of work when i see it i have raised your salary five dollars and i would like to give you this he reached in his drew out a roll and handed over a yellow bill i could have dropped where i stood the reaction was tremendous after my great depression i felt as though i should burst with joy but instead i stood there awed by this generosity i m very much obliged to you mr i finally managed to say i thank you very much i ll do the best i can it was a good piece of work he repeated a good piece of work and then slowly wheeled back to his desk i turned and walked briskly out chapter thb fact that i had gained the notice of a man as important as a man about whom a poet had written a poem was almost more than i could stand i walked on air yet the next morning returning to work i found myself for only hotels and heard in the my usual tasks and was depressed why not great tasks always t why not noble hours always yet once i had recovered from this i walked about the streets digging my fingers into my palms and shaking myself with delight as i thought of saturday sunday and monday that was something worth talking about now i was a real newspaper man i had beaten the whole town and in a new city a city strange to me i having practically nothing to do and my excitement some i returned to the art department this same day to report on what had happened by now i was so set up that i could scarcely conceal my delight and told both not only about my raise in salary but also that i had been given a twenty dollar bill by himself an amazing thing of course this last was received with mingled feelings by the department was pleased of course but dick naturally was inclined to be he was conscious of the fact that his drawings were not good and had been him about them dick admitted it frankly saying that he had not been able to collect himself you know i can t do those things very well and i shouldn t have been sent out on it that s for perhaps it him to think that he should have been so unfortunate at the very time that i should have been so rewarded anyhow he did not show anything save a generous side to me at the time although i felt that it was the beginning of a renewal of that slight hostility based on his a book about myself original opposition to me he me saying you ve done it this time i m glad you ve made a hit old man that night however i was not invited to his room as i had hoped i should be although he and peter went off somewhere to his room as i assumed i applied myself instead to heard in the then the days settled down into their old routine for me petty minor between one thing and another only one thing held me up and that was that hazard now urged me to do a novel with him a thing which flattered me so much that i felt my career as a great writer was at hand for had he not done a novel already i considered it seriously for a few days arguing the details of the plot with him at the office and after hours but it came to nothing plays rather than novels as i fancied for some reason were more in my line and poems things which i thought easier to do since writing that first poem a month or so before i was busy now from time to time down the most relative to my and dreams and them to be great verse truly i thought i was to be a great poet one of the very greatest and so nothing else really mattered for the time being weren t poets always lone and as i it was about this time too that having received the gift of twenty and the raise of five i began to array myself in manner so smart as i thought but fantastic really that i grieve to think that i should ever have been such a fool yet to tell the truth i do not know whether i do or not a foolish boyhood is | 43 |
dramatic editor i hear that mr has resigned and the position is open i thought maybe you might give it to me i flushed and hesitated i will he replied and you re dramatic editor tell mr to let you be it i started to thank him but the little figure moved in differently away i had only time to say i m very much obliged before he was gone i returned to the city room to the to think that i should have been made dramatic editor and so quickly in such an ea way this great man s consideration for me was certainly i thought plainly he liked me else why should he do if only i could now bring myself seriously to this great labor what might i not dramatic editor of the of the great city of st louis and at the age of twenty one well now that was something by george and this great man liked me he really did he me at sight honored my request and would no doubt if i behaved myself make a great newspaper man of me it was something to be the favorite of a great editor in chief by very great thing indeed chapter upon my explaining to what had happened he looked at me coldly as much as to say what the devil is this now that this ass is telling met then thinking i suppose that i must have some secret hold on mr ox at least stand high in his favor he gave me a very smile and said he would have made out for me a letter of introduction to the local an hour later this was laid on my desk by who congratulated me and there i was dramatic editor exclaimed when he came in with the letter i bet you could have knocked over with a straw he doesn t understand yet i guess how well you stand with the old man the chief must like you i could see that my new honor made a considerable difference in his already excellent estimate of me armed with this letter i now visited the of the all of whom received me cordially i can still see myself very gay and enthusiastic sure that i was entering upon a great work of some kind and the dreams i had in connection with the my future as a great popular perhaps it was all such a wonder world to me the stage such a that i with joy as i went about thinking that now certainly i should come in touch with actors beautiful women think of it dramatic critic a person of weight and authority there were seven or eight in st louis three or four of them only that better sort of play known as a first class attraction the others giving and the manager of the grand a short sandy man of most jovial mien was me father of the well known of a later period and the of his most humorous character mr he exclaimed upon seeing me a book about myself so you re the new dramatic editor are well they change around over there pretty swift don t what s happened to first it was then then hazard then then and now yon all in my time well mr i m glad to see yon you re always welcome here ill take you out and introduce you to our and mr in the hell always recognize you we ll give you the best seat in the house if it s empty when you come he smiled and i had to laugh at the way he rattled off this welcome an of and humor encircled him quite the same as that which makes mr delightful this was the first i had ever heard of hazard having held this position and now i felt a little guilty as though i had edged him out of something that belonged to him still i didn t really care as i might i had won did bob hazard once have this position f i asked familiarly yes that was when he was on the paper the last time he s been off and on the three or four times you know he smiled i laughed you and get along i guess he smiled at the other i was received less but with uniform courtesy all assured me that i should be welcome at any time and that if i ever wished tickets for myself or a friend or anybody on the paper i could get them if they had them and we u make it a point to have them said one i felt that this was quite an acquisition of influence it gave me considerable opportunity to be nice to any friends i might acquire and then think of the privilege of seeing any show i chose to walk right into a without being stopped and to be pleasantly greeted en route i the character of the stage of that day in st louis and the rest of america at least as contrasted with what i know of its history in the world in general remains a curious and interesting thing to me as i look back on it now it seems a book about myself bnt then it was wonderful it is entirely possible that nations like plants or have to grow and obtain their full development regardless of the store of wisdom and achievement in other lands else how otherwise explain the vast level of which in some countries and many forms of effort and that after so much that has been important elsewhere t the stage in other lands had already seen a few tremendous periods even here in america the art was no mystery a few great things had been done in acting at least by mary to name but a few i was too | 43 |
young at the time to know or judge of their art or the quality of the plays they interpreted aside from those of shakespeare perhaps but certainly their fame for a high form of production was considerable and yet during the few months that i was dramatic editor and the following year when i was a member of another staff and had e to these same i saw only one or two actors worthy the name only one or two performances which i can now deem worth while richard and stand out in my mind as excellent and smith and joseph as amusing but who else comic and light opera with a heavy of straight and comedy were about the only things that ventured to essay occasionally a serious actor of the of sir henry or e s would appear on the scene but many of their plays were of a more or less character highly sentimental and unreal in my stay here of about a year and a half i saw joseph smith junior richard e s e h and a score of others more or less important but too numerous to mention light opera singers and the like and although at the time i was entertained and moved by some of them i now realize that in the a book about myself main they were certainly pale lights and at that america was but then entering upon its worst period of stage sentiment or the as such had not yet appeared bnt mr presents was upon us master of middle class sweetness and i remember staring at the three sheet and thinking how beautiful and perfect they were and what a great thing it was to be of the stage to be an author an actor a a manager i to have mr present the empire and companies with their groups of perfect lady and gentleman actors were then at their height the of stage art mr john drew for instance with his wooden face and manners mr miss miss miss this miss that such excellent actors as henry e richard or scarcely gain a hearing i recall sitting one night in s at ninth or tenth and pine streets and hearing order down the curtain at one of the most critical points in his famous play baron or some such name and then come before it and de the audience in anything but measured terms for what he considered its ignorance and lack of taste it had applauded it seems at the wrong time in that way which only an american audience can when it is there solely because it thinks it ought to be by that time had already achieved a if not a real artistic following and was slowly but surely becoming a on this occasion he explained to that bland gathering that they were fools that american were usually composed of such animals or creatures and were in the main dull to the point of that they were not there to see a great actor act but to see a man called richard who was said to be a great actor he pointed out how uniformly american applauded at the wrong time how truly they were to all artistic how wooden and reputation following at this some of them arose and left others seemed to consider it a great joke and remained still others were angry but a book about myself wanted to see the show having finished his speech he ordered up the curtain and proceeded with his act as though nothing had happened as though the audience were really not there i confess i rather liked him for his stand even though i did not quite know whether he was right or wrong but i wrote it up as though he had insulted his audience a body of worthy and respectable st some one hazard i think suggested that it would be good policy to do so and i being green to my task did so the strength of the sentiment and which we could down at that time and still can and do to this day is to me beyond belief and i was one of those who did the indeed i was one of the worst those perfect nights for instance when as dramatic critic i strolled into one or another two or three in an evening possibly and observed as i thought the work of those who were leaders in dramatic or humorous composition and that of our leading actors f it may be that the spirit has no particular use for intelligence above a level or better yet and far more likely intelligence works whose visions by which the mob is eventually entertained and made wise must content them otherwise how explain the vast level of especially in connection with the stage the people s then today and forever i suppose until time shall be no i recall for instance that i thought mr drew was really a superior actor and also that i thought that most of the plays of henry arthur jones arthur wing thomas and others many others were enduring works of art i confess it i thought so or at least i heard so and let it go at that how sound i thought their of life to be the cruel over lords of trade in those plays for instance how cruel they were and how true the virtues of the lowly and the betrayed daughter with her sad downcast expression the moral splendor of the young minister who heartless wealth and and cruelty in high places and a book about myself them and there or made them confess their errors i i can see him yet slim simple perfect a truly good man the on the spot manner in which splendid were effected in an or a night the wrongs in plays you can still see them in any | 43 |
in america to this hour there is no such thing as a reckless unmarried girl in any exhibited in america they are all married but how those st louis applauded i here in america at least was always rewarded and left triumphant wrong was quite always properly out our better selves invariably got the better of our lower selves and we went home cured saved and there was little of evil of any description which went before in acts one and two which could not be straightened out in the last act the spirit of these plays my fancy at that time and elevated me into a world of which unfortunately fell in with the wildest of my youthful love as i saw it here set forth in all those gorgeous or sentimental was the only kind of love worth while fortune also gilded as only the stage can it and as shown nightly by mr everywhere in america was the only type of fortune worth while to be rich elegant exclusive as in the world of and mr jones and mr according to what i saw here love and youth were the only things worth discussing or thinking about the splendor of the the social of new york london and paris the excited sex of such minds as junior then in his jones and a number of other current seemed all to be built around youth and love the dreary of actual life was carefully shut out from these pieces the simple delights of ordinary living if they were used at all were exaggerated beyond sensible belief and elsewhere not here in st louis but in the east new york london paris st were all the things that were worth while if i really wanted to be happy a about myself i must eventually go to those places of course there were the really fine clothes and the superior physically and and vice and poverty painted in such peculiar colors that they were always sad or existed only in those great cities chapter xxx i to dream more than ever of establishing some such x atmosphere for myself somehow somewhere but never in st louis of course that was too common too western too far removed from the real wonders of the world love and and travel and romance were the great things but they were afar off in new york it was around this time that i was the atmosphere of a in tenth street nothing could be so wonderful as love in a mansion a palace in some oriental realm such as was indicated in the comic in which thomas q francis and frank were then appearing how often with or wood as companion occasionally hazard or a new friend introduced to me by wood and known as or body a most amazing person as i will later relate i responded to these i stage scenes with one or other of these i visited as many as i could if for no more than an hour or an act at a time and consumed with wonder and delight such scenes as most appealed to me the scene for instance in the or the third act of nearly any of henry arthur jones s plays also quite all of the light of de and harry b smith as well as those of color and melody the the crystal ah the sailor such as fox may of a long line of comic opera who somehow reminded me of held me with delight and admiration here at last was the kind of maiden i was really craving an of this airy temperament i remember that one night at the close of one of mr s performances at the the professor s love a book about myself story in which he was appearing with a popular leading woman a very beautiful one i was asked by the manager to wait for a few moments after the performance so that he might introduce me why i don t know it seemed that he was taking them to supper and thought they might like to meet one of the local dramatic critics or that i might like to accompany them an honor which i declined out of fright or when they finally appeared in the of the however the young very and soft and clinging and dressed most carefully after the manner of the stage i was beside myself with envy and despair for she appeared hanging most tenderly on her star s arm she was his mistress i understood and gazing about such beauty such grace such vivacity could anything be so lovely f think of having such a perfect creature love you hang on your and here was i poor a mere a nobody upon whom such a splendid creature would not bend a second glance mr was full of the heavy of the actor which made the scene all the more impressive to me i think most of us like to be at one time or another by some one i glanced at her pretending to be but little interested while i was really dying of envy finally after a few words and a few sweet smiles cast in my direction i was urged to come with them but instead hurried away pleading necessity and cursing my stars and my fate think of being a mere at twenty five or thirty a week while others earning thousands were thus in the sunshine of success and love ah why might not i have been bom rich or famous and so able to command so lovely a woman if i had been of an ordinary sensible turn of mind with a of that practical wisdom which puts moderate place and position first and sets great store by the saving of money i might have succeeded fairly well here much better than i did anywhere else for a | 43 |
long period after unquestionably mr liked me i think he may have been fond of me in some amused way interested to keep such a bounding high flown about the a book about myself place i might have held this place for a year or two and made it a stepping to something better but instead of rejoicing in the work and making it the end and aim of my daily labors i looked upon it as a mere something i had today but might not have tomorrow and anyhow there were better things than working day by day and living in a small room life ought certainly to bring me something better something truly splendid and soon i deserved it everything a great home fine clothes pretty women the re x and companionship of famous men indeed all my pain and misery was plainly caused by just such a lack or as this had i things all would be well without them well i was very miserable i was ready to accept if by that i could get what i wanted while not ready to admit that all people were as deserving as i by any means the sad state of the poor was a constant thought with me but nearly always i was the greatest and i and most deserving of all this view naturally tended to the of my work a of imagination and force still any youth limited as i was at that time has a long road to go even in that most imaginative of all professions the literary the possessor of such notions as i then held is certainly from anything important until he passes beyond them the particular thought or attitude i have described appears to reign in youth too often it is a condition of many minds of the better sort and is retained in its worst form until by rough experience it is knocked out of them or they are destroyed utterly in the process but it cannot be got over with quickly mine was a sad case one of the things which this point of view did for me was to give my writing at that time a and melancholy turn which would not go in any newspaper of today i hope it caused me to paint the ideal as not only entirely probable but necessary before life would be what it should the progress as you see i could so twist and the most commonplace scenes as to make one think that i was writing of paradise indeed i allowed my imagination to run away a book about myself with me at times and only the good sense of the reader or the indifference of a practical minded public saved the paper from appearing utterly on one occasion for instance i went to report a play of quality that was running at the and was so impressed with a love scene which was a part of it that i was entirely blinded to all the faults of construction which the remainder of the play showed and it up in the most glowing colors and the copy reader was too weary that night or too to capture it the next day some of the other newspaper men in the office noticed it and commented on it to me or to saying it was high flown and that the play itself waa which was true but did that cure me not a bit i was reduced for a day or two by it but not for long seeing other plays of the same and with much sweet love in them i as before a little later a negro singer a young woman of considerable ability who was being as the black was to appear in st louis the manager of the that was presenting her called my attention by letter to her and by means of and notices of her work published elsewhere had endeavored to impress me i read these notices in the glowing phrases of the press agent and then went forth on this evening to cover this myself to make it all the i invited and with him proceeded to the where we were assigned a box as it turned out or as i chanced to see or feel it the young woman was a sweet and impressive singer engaging and agreed with me that she could sing we listened to the of a dozen pieces including such old as and the and then i being greatly moved returned to the office and wrote an account that was fairly with the beauty which i thought was there i did not attempt to her art i could knowing nothing of even the of but plunged at once into that wider realm which a book about the of nature itself what is so as the sound which the human voice is capable of producing i wrote in part especially when that voice is itself a compound of the things in nature t here we have a young girl black it is true fresh from the woods and fields of her native country yet blessed by some strange chance with that mystic thing a voice and song all that we hold to be most lovely the of the waters the radiance of the moonlight the of sweet flowers sunlight storm the voices and echoes of nature all are found here thrilling over lips which represent in their youth fulness but a few of the years which wisdom and skill would seem to require yes one may sit and in hearing miss jones sing all these things because of them she is a compound youthful suggestive of the sweetness of nature itself to understand the significance of such a statement in st louis one would have to look into the social p conditions of the people who dwelt there to a certain extent they were southern | 43 |
frenchman or two one of whom was a poet several struggling artists who on them and a few weird and characters so degraded and that i could never make out just what their charm was at least two of these had suitable rooms where in addition to dick s and mine we were accustomed to meet there were parties sunday and evening walks or dinners poems on occasion were read original dick s stories as peter invariably insisted were the or duck a tin bucket of good size was rushed for beer and cheese and and hot sold by old on the streets after midnight were bought and consumed with captain captain ben t these are names of figures that are now so dim as to be mere ranged about a smoky dimly lighted room in some house both dick and peter had reached that distinguished state where they were the of at as well as and to these others and a book about myself between them got up weird dutch acts which they took down to some wretched and each doing a turn the glee over the memory of these things as they now them to me wood was so thin physically and so vigorous mentally that he was fascinating to look at he had an idea that this and his story work were of the utmost importance and so they were if they had been but a to something more serious or if his dreams could only have been reduced to paper and print there was something that lay in his eye a ray there was an to hb spirit which was delicious as i get him now he was a rather or de or and assuredly a portion of the was certainly there for at times the moods he could in me were and he saw beauty and romance in many and strange ways and places i have seen him enter a dirty horrible saloon in one of st louis s lowest regions with the air of a prince charming and there seat himself at some table his patent leather low quarters the or floor order beer and then smiling upon all begin to from memory whole sections of conversations he had heard somewhere in the street perhaps all the while his brain to recall the exact word and phrase unlike myself he had a of making friends with these shabby and characters i blue mostly whom he picked up from heaven knows where and how he seemed to prize their vile language their lies and their thoughts i and there was bless his enthusiastic heart who seemed to take fire from this joint companionship and was determined to do something he scarcely knew what draw paint write collect anything his mind was so wrought up by the rich pattern which life was weaving before his eyes that he could scarcely sleep at nights he was for about with us these winter and spring days looking at the dark city after work hours or these wretched with dick and myself or the three of us a book about mt would take a a and a could perform on the and dick on the and go to park or one of the minor on the south side and there proceed to make the night hideous with our until some solid policeman assuming that the had rights would interfere and bid us depart our invariable retort on all such occasions was that we were newspaper men and artists and as such entitled to from the police which the thick of tiie law would occasionally admit sometimes we would go to dick s room or mine and chatter and sing until dawn when somewhat subdued we would seek out some saloon keeper whom either peter or wood knew rouse him out of his and demand that he come down and supply us with ham and eggs and beer my stage critical work having my desire to write a play or comic opera on the order of or the of champagne two of the of that day or the pleasing hood of de i set about this task as best i might scenes bits of humor phases of character in this idea i was aided and not only by wood and both of whom by now seemed to think i might do something but by the fact that the atmosphere of the office as well as of st louis itself was for me at least and i liked the world in which i now found myself there were about me and in the city so many who seemed destined to do great things wood hazard a man by the name of who was engaged in of one kind and another william already the mirror johnson a most brilliant who had preceding my coming resigned from the and gone over to the chronicle alfred of answer and one of whose was even then being given a local i have mentioned the wonderful w c who preceded me in writing heard in the and who later stirred america with the all this the fact that thomas had come a book about myself from here a on the post and that i now seeing one of his plays in moved me to the point where i thought out what i considered a fair humorous plot for a comic opera which was to be called i it was based on the idea of by reason of his striking accidentally a stone on his farm an old farmer of a most and inquisitive disposition from the era in which he then was back into that of the of where owing to a religious then being indulged in with a view to discovering a new ruler he was assumed to be the answer beginning as a cowardly in fear for his life he was slowly changed into an amazing having at one tune | 43 |
as many as three hundred ex or of state in one pen awaiting he was to be from carrying out this plan by his desire for a certain maiden who was to avoid him he repented of his crimes she eventually persuaded him to change the of government from that of a to that of a with himself as candidate for president there was nothing much to it its only humor lay m the thought or sight of a curious critical farmer upon ancient architecture and forms of having once thought it out however and being pleased it i worked at it nights when i was not on and in a week or less had a rough outline ol it i told and wood about it j was their youthful encouragement that at once saw us the way out of my difficulties the path to that great i desired i would become the author of comic opera already i saw myself in new york rich famous but at that time i could not possibly without constant encouragement and having out the opera i now burned for assistance in developing it in detail at last i went to peter and told him of my y to go ahead he to relish the whole idea so much so that he made the thing seem far more le and easy for me to do and urged me to go ahead not to or a book about my get feet of and gorgeous he even went so far as to first suggest and then later work out in water color suggestions for and color schemes which i thought wonderful i was lifted to the seventh heaven to think that i had worked out something which he considered interesting later that evening at peter s suggestion i portions of it to wood he also seemed to believe that it was good he insisted that there must be an evening at his room or mine when i would read it all to them accordingly a week later i read it in dick s room to much partial applause of course what else could they peter even went so far as to suggest that he would love to act the part of i and forthwith began to give us of the king s and characteristics whatever the merit of the manuscript itself certainly we imagined peter s to be funny later he brought me as many as fifty designs of and scenes in color which appealed to me as having novelty as well as beauty he had evidently worked for weeks nights after hours and mornings before coming to the office and on sundays by this i was so thrilled that i could scarcely believe my eyes to think that i had written the book of a real comic opera that should be deemed worthy of this and that it was within the range of possibility that it would some day be produced i began to feel myself a personage although at bottom i the reality of it all fate could not be that kind not so swift i should never get it produced and yet like the man in the fable who kicked over his tray of dreaming great dreams i was tending toward the same thing there was always in me the saving grace of doubt or self i was never quite sure that i should be able to do all that at times i was inclined to hope i might and was usually inclined to go about my work as nervously and as as ever hoping that i might have some of the good fortune of which i dreamed but never seriously depending on it perhaps it would have been better for me had i chapter while i rejoiced in the thought that i might now and bo easily become a successful comic opera and a poet besides still i found myself for the most part in a very gloomy frame of mind one of the things that grieved me intensely as i have said was the sight of bitter poverty and failure and the fact that i personally was not one of those solid commercial figures of which st louis was full at this time they filled the great hotels the clubs the the social positions of importance they were free as i foolishly thought to indulge in all those luxuries and pleasures which as i so sadly saw the poor were not privileged to enjoy myself included just about that time there was something about a commercial institution its exterior simplicity and the of its inward life its suggestion of energy force and need which invariably held me despite my literary and artistic i still continued to think it essential to me and to all men for that matter if they were to have any force and dignity in this world that each and every one should be in control of something of this kind something and successful and what was i a pale of a newspaper man possibly an editor or author in the future but what more at times this state of mind tended to make me irritable and even savage instead of sad i thought that my very generous benefactor the great ought to see what an important man i was and give me at once the dramatic free and clear of any other work or at least combine it with something better than mere i ought to be allowed to do or special work again my mind although largely freed of catholic and religious generally and the belief in the of the christian a book about at down in the sermon on the mount was still among the of christ and the and generally them as it were with the selfish of the day as i saw it look at the strong men at the top i was constantly to myself | 43 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o comfortable so indifferent so cruelly dull how i liked to them with from christ those large districts south of the business heart along the river and elsewhere which nightly or weekly wood and were and which were crowded with the unfit the unsuccessful the unhappy how they haunted me and how i attempted in my mind of course to society and comfort them with the poetic if helpless words of the and the sermon on the mount blessed are the poor etc one important citizen and another i gained the impression that they truly despised any one who was poor that they did not give him or his fate a second thought and i was right other times wrong but having been reared on relative to christian duty i thought they should devote their all to the poor this failure on their part seemed terrible to me for having been taught to believe in the sermon on the mount i thought they not myself for instance were the ones to make it work out mr had begun sending me out of town on various news stories which was in itself the equivalent of a and might readily have led to my being as such if i had remained there long enough trials of murder cases in st joseph and threatened floods in lower and train common in this region either between st louis and city or st louis and made it necessary for me to make arrangements with hazard or wood to carry on my dramatic work while i went about these tasks a necessity which i partly and partly disliked being uncertain as to which was the more important task to me however i was far from satisfied i was too restless and dissatisfied life life life its disappointments a book about myself was always me the sun might shine brightly the winds of fortune blow nevertheless though i might enjoy both there was always this of something that was not happiness i was not placed right i was not this i was not that life was slipping away fast and i was twenty one i see the tiny sands of my little life s down and what was i soon the strength time the love time the gay time of color and romance would be gone and if i had not spent it fully richly what would there be left for me the joys of a heaven or hereafter played no part in my calculations when one was dead one was dead for all time hence the reason for the over failure here and now the awful tragedy of a love lost a youth never properly enjoyed think of living and yet not living in so a world as this the best of one s hours passing unused or not properly used think of seeing this of pain and pleasure beauty and all its sweets go by and yet being compelled to be a a mere but never satisfied in this mood i worked on doing sometimes good work because i was temporarily fascinated and entertained at other times grumbling and and moaning over what seemed to me the horrible of it all one day in just such a mood as this i received the following final letter from from whom i had not heard now in months dear tomorrow is my day tomorrow at twelve this strike you as strange well i have waited i don t know k it has seemed like years to me f or some word but i knew it was not to be tour last letter showed me that i that did not intend to return and so i went back to mr i had to what else have i to look forward you know how unhappy i am here with my f now that you are in spite of how much th for me oh you must think me foolish for writing this i am ashamed of myself still i wanted to let you know and to say good bye for although you have been indifferent i bear hard feelings toward you i will make mr a good wife he understands i do not him but that i him tomorrow i will marry him unless something happens you ought not to have told a book about myself me that you loved me jou have stayed with me tea have me ao much pain but i must good bye this is the last letter i shall ever write ton don t send my letters now tear them up it is too late oh if you only knew how hard it has been to bring myself to i sat and stared at the floor after reading this the pain i had caused was a heavy weight the that if i come to before noon of this day or telegraph for her to delay was too much what if i should go to and get her then to her it would be a beautiful thing the height of romance saving her from a cruel or dreary fate but what of should i be happy f was my profession or my present restless and uncertain state of mind anything to base a marriage out i knew it was not i also knew that in spite of my great sadness and affection for her was really nothing more to me than a passing bit of beauty charming in itself but of no great import to me i was sad for her and for myself because of that chief characteristic of mine and of life which will not let anything endure permanently love wealth fame i was too restless too there rose before me a picture of my as compared with what they ought to be and of any future in marriage based on it actually as i looked at it then it was more the fault of | 43 |
life than mine these thoughts with the wish i had for greater advancement caused me as usual to hesitate but i was in no danger of doing anything impulsive there was no great passion in this it was mere sentiment growing more and more and less and less i groaned inwardly but night came and the next day and i had not answered at noon had been married as she afterward told me years afterward when the fire was all gone and this romance was ended forever chapter thus it was that i about the city wondering what would become of me my dramatic work interesting as it was was still so trivial in so far as the space given it and the public s interest in it were concerned as to make it all but worthless the great was not interested in the stage the proof of it was that he this interesting department to me but circumstances were bringing about an onward if not upward step i was daily becoming so restless and unhappy that it would have been strange if something had not happened to think that there was no more to this dramatic work for me than now appeared and that in addition mr was allowing mr to give me afternoon and night or out of town when i had important theatrical performances to report as a matter of fact they were not important but had no consideration for my critical work he continued to give me two or three things to do on nights when as he knew or i thought he should i should spend the evening witnessing a single performance this was to pay me out so i thought for going over his head i grew more and more and finally a catastrophe occurred it happened that one sunday night late in april three shows were to arrive in the city each performance being worthy of special attention nearly all new shows opened in st louis on sunday night and it was impossible for me to attend them all in one evening i might have given both dick and peter tickets and asked them to help me but i decided since this was a custom by my at times to write up the notices beforehand the facts being from various press agent accounts already in my hands and then comment more on the plays in some notes which i published mid week it hap a book about myself however that on this particular evening mr had other plans for me without consulting me or my theatrical duties he handed me at about seven in the evening a slip of paper containing a notice of a street car hold up in the far western of the city i was about to protest that my critical work demanded my presence but concluded to hold my tongue he would merely advise me to write up the notices of the shows as i had planned or worse yet tell me to let other people do them i thought once of going to and protesting but finally went my way determined to do the best i could and protest later i would hurry up on this and then come back and visit the when i reached the scene of the supposed hold up there was nothing to guide me the x at the car did not know anything about it and the crew that had been held up was not present i visited a far police station but the in charge could tell me nothing more than that the crime was not very important a few dollars stolen i went to the exact spot but there were no houses in the neighborhood only a barren stretch of track lying out in a rain soaked plain it was a gloomy wet night and i decided to return to the city when i reached a car line it was late too late for me to do even a part of my critical work the long distance out and the walks to the car barn and the police station had consumed much time as i the city i found that it was eleven o clock what chance had i to visit the then t i asked myself angrily how was i to know if the shows had even arrived t there had been heavy rains all over the west for the last week and there had been many wash i finally got off in front of the nearest and went up to the door it was silent and dark i thought of asking the who occupied a comer of the building but that seemed a silly thing to be doing at this hour and i let it go i thought of to the rival paper the republic when i reached the office but when i got there i had first to report to who was just leaving and then q a book about myself and indifferent i put it off for the moment perhaps would know do you know what time the first edition goes to press here i asked him at a quarter after twelve twelve thirty i think the telegraph man can tell yon do know whether the dramatic stuff i sent up this afternoon gets in that sure at least i think it does you d better ask the of the room about it though i went upstairs instead of calling up the republic at once or any of the of the or knocking out the notices entirely i inquired how matters stood with the first edition i was not sure that there was any reason for worrying about the shows not arriving but something kept telling me to make sure at last i found that the first edition had been closed with the notices in it and went to the to call up the then the dramatic editor of that paper had gone and i | 43 |
could not find the address of a single manager i tried to reach one of the but there was no response the clock twelve thirty by then and i weakly concluded that things must be all right or that if they weren t i couldn t help it i then went home and to bed and slept poorly troubled by the thought that something might be wrong and wishing now that i had not been so about it all why couldn t i attend to things at the proper time instead of about in this fashion i sighed and tried to sleep the next morning i arose and went through the two morning papers without losing any time to my horror and distress there in the b public was an announcement on the first page to the effect that owing to various wash ou s in several states none of the three shows had arrived the night before and in my own paper to my great pain was a full account of the performances and the agreeable reception accorded them oh lord i groaned what will say what will the other papers say three shows and a book about myself not one here and in connection with one i had written a large and enthusiastic audience received mr smith as the grand and in connection with another that the gallery of pope s was top heavy the perspiration from my forehead jones and my tendency to draw the lightning of public observation and criticism i began to as to what newspaper criticism would follow this last pas god i thought wait till he sees this and i was ready to weep at once i saw myself not only the laughing stock of the town but discharged as well think of being discharged now after all my fine dreams as to the future without delay i proceeded to the office and removed my few resolved to be prepared for the worst with the feeling that i owed mr an explanation i sat down and composed a letter to him in which i explained from my point of view just how the thing had happened i did not attack mr or seek to shield myself but merely illustrated how i had been expected to handle my critical work in this office i also added how kind i thought he had been how much i valued his personal regard and asked him not to think too ill of me this letter i placed in an envelope addressed to mr joseph b personal and going into his private office before any others had come down laid it on his desk then i retired to my room to await the afternoon papers and think they were not long in appearing and neither of the two leading afternoon papers had failed to notice the blunder with the most delicate laughing they had seized upon this latest error of the great as a remarkable demonstration of what they affected to believe was its editor s lately acquired and powers the was r writing up various slate writing and the like in st louis and elsewhere things which mr was interested in or considered good circulation and this was now looked upon as a fresh demonstration of his development in that line oh lord oh lord i groaned when i read the following m a book about to see three at observed the past and those three widely separated by miles of country and washed out sections of railroad in three different states and is indeed a triumph but also to see them as having arrived or as they would have been had they arrived and displaying their individual delights to three separate of varying proportions assembled for that purpose is truly amazing one of the finest of or x we had better say yet known to science indeed is great the q d indeed now that we think of it it is an achievement so that even the may well be proud of it one of the finest flights of which the human mind or the great editor s strength is capable we venture to say that no or medium has ever it we have always known that mr h is a great man the charm of his page is sufficient proof of that but this latest essay of his into the of dramatic criticism supernatural insight and is one of the most perfect things of its kind and can only be attributed to genius in the purest form it is supernatural the chronicle for its part troubled to explain low and the spirit and actors although they might as well have been resting the actors at least not having any contract which their or selves to work had conducted themselves doing their parts without a murmur it was also here hinted that in future it would not be necessary for the to carry a dramatic critic seeing that the mind of its chief was sufficient anyhow it was plain that the race was fast reaching that place where it could perceive in advance that which was about to take place in proof of this it pointed of course to the noble mind which now occupied the chair of the seeing all this without moving from his office i was sweat rolled from my forehead my nerves and to think that this was the second time within a book about myself no more than a month that i had made my great benefactor the laughing stock of the city what must he think of me t i could see him at that moment reading these he would discharge me not knowing what to do i sat and gone were all my fine dreams my great future my standing in the eyes of men and of this paper what was to become of me i saw myself returning to to do what would peter dick | 43 |
hazard johnson all my new found friends think t instead of going boldly to the office and seeing my friends who were still fond of me if laughing at my break or mr i slipped about the city meditating on my fate and wondering what i was to do for at least a week during the hours of the morning and evening i would slip out and get a little something to eat or in an old but little frequented book store in street hoping to keep myself out of sight and out of mind in a spirit of intense depression i picked up a few old books deciding to read more to make myself more fit for life i also decided to leave st louis since no one would have me here and began to think of whether i could stand it to return there or whether i had better drift on to a strange place but how should i live or travel since i had very little money having wasted it as i now thought on living i the unhappy end of a i finally after about for a day or two more i concluded that i should have to leave my fine room and try to earn some money here so as to be able to leave and so one morning without venturing near the and giving the principal meeting places of and friends a wide berth i went into the office of the st louis republic then fairly well in an old building at third and chestnut streets here with a heavy heart i awaited the coming of the city editor h b of whom i had heard a great deal but whom i had never seen chapter thb was in a old building in a fairly deserted neighborhood in that region near the from which the city proper had been steadily growing away for years this paper if i am not mistaken was in the office was so old and that it was the was a slow and box and creaking and immediate the boards of the entrance hall and the city room under one s feet the city room where i should work if i secured a place was larger than that of the and higher but beyond that it had no advantage the windows were tall but cracked and patched with faded yellow copy paper the some fifteen or twenty all told were old dusty knife marked with endless ages of and ink there was waste paper and rubbish on the floor there was no sign of either paint or the windows facing east looked out upon a business court or all where and all day but which at night was silent as the grave as was this entire neighborhood the buildings directly opposite were decayed houses of some unimportant kind where in rags of dresses or trousers and shirts girls and boys of from fourteen to twenty worked all day the girls necks in summer time open to their breasts and their sleeves rolled to their shoulders the boys in and tight trousers and with hair what their work was i forget but with each other or with the and of this paper occupied a great deal of their time the city editor h b was one of those odd characters who because of my youth and extreme perhaps and his own vigor and point of view a book about myself succeeded in making a deep impression on me at once he was a queer little man so different from and nervous restless with eyes so piercing that they reminded one of a hawk s and a skin so that it was italian in quality and made all the more emphatic by a large nose pierced by big nostrils his hands were wrinkled and like and he had large teeth which showed rather fully when he laughed and that laugh i can hear it yet a cross between a and a it always seemed to me to be a laugh and yet also it had an element of appreciation in it he could see a point at which others ought to laugh without apparently enjoying it himself he was at once a small and yet a large man mentally wise and in many ways petty and even in others a man to and if you were to him one to avoid if you were not but on the whole a man above the average in ability and he had the strangest love of great literature of any one i have ever known especially in the realm of the newspapers at this time was apparently his ideal of what a writer should be and after him and he seemed to know them weu and to admire and even love them after his fashion he was always calling upon me to imitate s vivid description of the and the gross and the horrible if i could assuming that i had read him which i had not but i did not say so and s and s sure handling of the and the how often have i heard him refer to them with admiration giving me the line and phrase of certain pictures and yet at the same time there was a bending of the knee to the middle west of whidi he was a part a kind of horror of having it known that he approved of these things he was a and very proud of it as he was of various other local to which he belonged he had the reputation of being one of the best city in the city far superior to my late master previously he had been city editor of the itself for many years and was still spoken of in that office after i left st louis he re a book about tamed to the for a time and once more became its guide in local news | 43 |
but that is neither here nor there as it what is a cardinal truth of the newspaper world that the best of newspaper men are occasionally to be found on the poorest of papers and just at this time as i understood he was here because the republic was making a effort to build itself up in popular esteem which it finally succeeded in doing after s death becoming once more the leading morning paper as it had been before the under arose to power just now however in my mood it seemed an exceedingly sad affair mr as i now learned had heard of me and my recent pas as well as some of the other things i had been doing been working on the haven t be commented when i approached him what did they pay i told him when did you leave there f about a week ago why did you leave perhaps you saw those notices of three that didn t come to town f i m the man who wrote them up i ho ho and he began me and his knee i saw those ha ha ha ha ha ha yes that was very funny very we had an on it and so fired you did no sir i replied indignantly i quit i thought he might want to and i put a letter on his desk and left ha ha quite right that s very funny i know just how they do over there i was city editor there myself once they write them up in advance sometimes we do here where do you come i told him he meditated awhile as though he were uncertain whether he needed any one you say you got thirty dollars there i couldn t pay anybody that much here not to begin with we never give a book about more than eighteen to begin with i hate a full staff just now and it s summer i might use another man if eighteen would be enough you might think it over and come in and see me again some time although my spirits fell at so great a drop in salary i hastened to explain that i would be glad to accept eighteen i needed to be at work again you would consider fair would suit me he smiled the newspaper market is low just now if your work proves satisfactory i may raise you a little later on he must have seen that he had a soft and more or less boy to deal with suppose you write me a little article about something just to show me what you can do he added i went away insulted by this last request in spite of all he said i could feel that he wanted me but i had no skill in my own affairs to drop from thirty dollars as dramatic editor to eighteen as a mere was terrible with a grain of philosophic melancholy i faced it however feeling that if i worked hard i might yet get a start in some way or other i must work and save some money and if i did not better myself i would leave st louis my ability must be worth something somewhere it had been on the i went home and wrote the article a mere nothing about some street scene went back to the office and left it next day i called again all right he said you can go to work i went back into that large shabby room and took a seat in a few minutes the place filled up with the staff most of whom i knew and all of whom eyed me curiously the city editor and his assistant mr of blessed memory one eyed sad impressive intelligent who had nothing but kind to say of what i wrote and who was friendly and until the day i left in a little while the book was put out with the task i was to undertake before i left i was called in and a book about myself advised concerning it i went and looked into it i have forgotten what it was and reported later in the day what i wrote i turned over to mr and later in the day when i asked him if it was all right he said yes quite all right it reads au right to me and then gave me a kindly one eyed i liked him from the first day he was a better editor than with more taste and and later rose to a higher position elsewhere meanwhile i strolled about thinking of my great fall it seemed as though i should never get over this but in a few days i was back in my old routine depressed but secure convinced that i could write as well as ever and for any newspaper for the romance of my own youth was still upon me my and my dreams it all does the sense the terrors of the deep or the butterfly the traps and of the woods and fields this keen new ambitious mid western city life hungry and love hungry and eager and ambitious i found so much in the worst to soothe so much in the best to torture me in every scene of ease or pleasure was both a and a reproach in every aspect of tragedy or poverty was a threat or a warning i was never tired of looking at the hot hungry weary any more than i was of looking at the glories of the of the west end both had their their charm one because it was a state worse than my own the other because it was a better so i thought amid it au i hurried writing and dreaming half laughing and half crying with now a tale to move me to laughter and now another to send | 43 |
me to but always youth youth and the crash of the presses in the and a fresh damp paper laid on my desk of a morning with the news and my own petty achievements or failures to cheer or me so it went day in and day out the republic while not so successful as the globe was a much better paper for me to work on for one thing it took me from under the of mr one can hate some people most persistently and placed a book about myself me under one who whatever may have been his defects pro me with far greater opportunities for my pen than ever the globe had and supplied a better judgment as to what constituted a story and a news feature now that i think of him was far and away the best judge of news from a dramatic or story point of view of any for whom i ever worked a good story is it t i can see him and rubbing his hands or fashion as over a pot of gold or a fine dish she said that did ha ha that s excellent excellent you saw him yourself did and the brother by we ll make a story of that be how you write that now all the facts you know just as far as they will carry you but we don t want any suits remember we don t want you to say anything we can t but i don t want you to be afraid either write it strong clear definite in all the touches of local color you can and remember and my boy remember and bare facts are what are needed in cases like this with lots of color as to the scenery or atmosphere the room the other people the street and all that you get me and quite truly i got him as he was pleased to admit even though i got but little cash out of it i always felt perhaps that he made but small if any effort to advantage me in any way except that of writing but what of he was nearly always enthusiastic over my work in a hard bright way nearly always excited about the glittering facts which one might dig up and which he was quite determined that his paper should present the stories the i that hard cruel of his when he had any one he must have known what a sham and a most of these mid western pretensions to and purity were and yet if he did and was irritated by them he said little to me like most americans of the time he was probably confused by the endless clatter concerning personal perfection the christ ideal as opposed to the actual details of life he could not decide for himself a book about myself which true and which the christ theory or that of but he preferred when the news when things were looking np from a news point of view and great facts were coming to the surface regardless of local sentiment facts utterly contradicted all the noble de of the and the he was positively transformed in those hours when the loom of life seemed to be weaving brilliant dramatic or tragic patterns of a character he was beside himself with trotting to and fro in the local room leaning over the shoulders of and interrupting them to ask details or to caution them as to certain facts which they must or must not include beaming at the ceiling or floor whistling singing rubbing his hands a veritable or of pleasure and enthusiasm deaths great social or political or those things which presented the rough raw facts of life as well as its aspects seemed to throw him into an ecstasy not over the woes of others but over the fact that he was to have an interesting paper tomorrow ah it was a terrible thing was he killed her in cold blood you say there was a great crowd out there was there t well well write it all up write it all up it looks like a pretty good story to me doesn t it to write a good strong introduction for it you know all the facts in the first paragraph and then go on and tell your story ton can have as much space for it as you want a column a column and a half just as it runs let me look at it before you turn it in though then he would begin whistling oi singing or would walk up and down in the rubbing his hands in obvious satisfaction and how that room seemed to thrill or sing between the hours of five and seven in the evening when the stories of the afternoon were coming in or between ten thirty and midnight when the full of the day was finally being ground out how it with human life and ht quite like a mill room full of or a counting house in which endless records and are being made those a book about eighteen or twenty of them bright cheerful each bent upon making a name for each working hard here bending over his desk scratching his head or ear and thinking his mind lost in the of arrangement and composition had no for any but the best of newspaper and would discharge a man promptly for falling down on a story especially if he could connect it with the feeling that he was not as good a newspaper man as he should be he hated commonplace men and once i had become familiar with the office and with him he would often ask me in a spirit of if i knew of an especially good one anywhere with whom he could replace some one else whom he did not like a thought which me but which | 43 |
did not prevent me from telling him somehow i had an eye and a taste for exceptional men myself and i wanted his staff to be as good as any so it was not long before he began to rely on me to supply him with suitable men so much so that i soon had the reputation of being a local of one who could get men in or keep them out a thing which made me some enemies later and it really was not true for i could not have kept any good man out in the meantime while he was trying me out to suit himself he had been giving me only routine work the north seventh street police station and evenings where one or two interesting stories might be expected every day crimes or sordid of one kind or another or if there was nothing much doing there i might be sent out on an occasional crime story elsewhere once i had handled a few of these for him and to his satisfaction i was pushed into the class and given only the most difficult stories those which might be called feature crimes and sensations which i was expected to sometimes and to which always i was expected to write the lead this method of his a keen desire to all the heavy on me was in no wise bad for me he liked me and this was his friendly way of showing it indeed with a as i then thought a book about myself he piled on story after story until i was a little at first seeing how little i was being paid when nothing of immediate importance was to he had he proceeded to create news studying out interesting phases of past or crimes which he thought might be worth while to work up and publish on sunday and handing them to me to do over he even created stories when the general news was dull throwing me into the most delicate and dangerous fields of murder and of all kinds things not public but which by clever work could be made so and where and other suits and on either hand without sunday and every other day he called upon me to display sentiment humor or cold hard descriptive force as the case might be quoting now now now and now to me to show me just what was to be done in a little while despite my reduced salary and the fact that i had lost my previous place in disgrace and was not likely to get a raise here soon i was as much your newspaper youth as ever strolling about the city with the feeling that i was somebody and looking up all my old friends with the idea of letting them know that i was by no means such a failure as they might imagine dick and peter of course seeing me in on them late one hot night received me with open arms well you re a good dick in his high almost voice when i came in i could see that he had been sitting before his open window which commanded where he had been no doubt meditating your true where the hell have you been keeping yourself t you re a we ve been looking for you for weeks we ve been down to your place a dozen times but you wouldn t let us in you re a you are has some more of those opera done why didn t you ever come around anyhow i m working down on the now i replied blushing and i ve been busy laughed dick his knees that s a good a book about myself one on you i i heard about it those written up and not one in town i that s good he a cough or two and relaxed i laughed with him it wasn t really all my fault i said i know it wasn t don t i know the didn t get me to work the same for ask hazard it wasn t your fault sit down peter be here in a little while then we go out and get something we fell to discussing the attitude of the people on the after i had left wood insisted that he had not heard much he knew instinctively that was glad i was gone as he might well have been had reported to him that had raised with and that two or three of the boys on the staff had manifested relief you know who they d be continued wood the fellows who can t do what you can but would like to i smiled i know about who they are i said we talked about the world in general literature the drama current the state of politics all seen through the medium of youth and and while we were talking came in he had been to his home in south st louis where he preferred to live in spite of his zest for and the ground had all to be gone over with him we settled down to an evening s enjoyment dick went for beer peter lit a rousing pipe accumulated short stories were produced and plans for new ones at one point peter exclaimed you know what i m going to do y well what i m going to study for the leading in that opera of i can play that and i m going to if you don t object do object why should i object i replied doubtful however of the wisdom of this peter had never struck me as quite the actor type i d like to see you do it if you can peter oh i can all right that old appeals to me i a book about myself bet that if i ever get on the stage i can get away | 43 |
with that he eyed dick for ill bet you could said dick peter makes a oh will you ever forget the time we went down to the old and did a turn peter t later the three of us left for a bite and i could see that i was as high in their favor as ever which restored me not a little peter seemed to think that my and coupled with the attention and discussion which my name among local newspaper men were doing me good making me an interesting figure i could scarcely that but i was inclined to believe that i had not fallen as low as ai first i had imagined chapter the as i have indicated was the of all newspaper life at this time at least that part of it of which i knew anything here in groups during the course of a morning afternoon or evening might appear dick or peter body hazard johnson boot a long company of excellent newspaper men who worked on the different papers of the city from time to time and who because of a desire for companionship in this world and the certainty of finding it here hung about this corner here one could get in on a highly intellectual or conversation of one kind or another at almost any time so many of these men had come from distant cities and knew them much better than they did st louis as a rule being total strangers and here only for a short while they were inclined to at conditions as they found them here and to boast of those elsewhere especially the men who came from new york boston san and i was one of those who knowing and st louis only and wishing to appear wise in these matters boasted vigorously of the importance of as a city whereas such men as boot of new york johnson of boston ware of new and a few others merely looked at me and smiled a i have to say to you young fellow young boot once observed to me if roughly after one of these heated and senseless arguments is wait till you go to new york and see for yourself i ve been to and it s a way station in comparison it s the only other city you ve seen and that s why you think it s so great there was a certain amount of kindly in his voice which me ah you re crazy i replied you re like all new a book about myself you think you know it all you won t admit you re beaten when you are the argument proceeded through all the different aspects of the two cities until finally we called each other damned fools and left in a years later however having seen new york i wanted to if ever i met him again the two cities as i then learned each individual and wonder ful in its way were not to be contrasted but how sure i was of my point of view then nearly all of these young men as i now saw presented a sharp contrast to those i had known in or i the character of the work in this city and my own changing made them seem different at that time had seemed to be full of exceptional young men in the world men who in one way or another had already achieved considerable local as writers and coming men peter brand ben king charles and many others some of whom even in that day were already their names to some of their whereas here in st louis few if any of us had achieved any local distinction of any kind no one of us had as yet created a personal or literary following we could not here apparently the avenues were not the same and none of us was hailed as certain to attract attention in the larger world outside we formed little more than a weak brotherhood or union each other enough as worthy fellow but not offering each other much consolation in our rough state beyond a mere class or professional recognition as working newspaper men yet at times this was a kind of bear garden or mental place where unless one were very guarded and sure of one might come by a quick and hard fall as when once in some argument in regard to a current political question and without knowing really what i was talking about i made the statement that indicated so and so whereupon one of my sharp suddenly took me up with say what is anyhow t do you i was completely for i didn t it was a com a book about myself new word outside the being used here and there in arguments and and i had taken it over i about and finally had to confess that i did not know what it was whereupon i endured a laugh for my pains i was thereafter wiser and more cautious but this in my raw ignorant state was a very great help to me many of these men were intelligent and informed to the cutting point in regard to many facts of life of which i was extremely ignorant many of them had not only read more but seen more and took my local pretensions to being somebody with a very large grain of salt at many of the casual meetings where at odd moments and sometimes were standing or sitting about and discussing one phase of life and another i received a back handed slap which sometimes my pride but invariably my horizon one of the most interesting things in my life at this time was that same north seventh street police station previously mentioned to which i went daily and which was a for a certain kind of news at least fantastic family of all kinds so | 43 |
common to very poor and highly this particular station was the very of a mixed and negro life which even at this time was still appalling to me in some of its aspects it was all so dirty so poor so so there were in it all sorts of streets negro and run down american or plain the first crowded with long bearded jews and their fat wives so greasy and generally offensive that they me rag chicken and feather all in their streets the smell of these things picked or chickens many of them partially decayed decayed and vegetables dirty feathers and rags and i know not what else was sickening in hot weather in the negro streets or rather for they never seemed to occupy any general were rows or one two three and four story or of frame or brick crowded into back yards and with thousands of of the most shuffling and idle character a book about myself about in these hot days of june july and august they seemed to do little save sit or lie in the shade of in this vicinity and or the world with laughter or in silence occasionally there was a fight a murder or a low love affair among them which justified my time here in addition there were those other streets of decayed americans your true filled with as low and a population of as one would find anywhere a type of animal dangerous to the police themselves for they could riot and kill horribly and were sullen at best invariably the police here in pairs and whenever an alarm from some policeman on his beat was turned in from this region a and all the officers in the station at the time would set forth to the rescue sometimes as many as eight or ten in a police wagon with orders as i myself have heard them given to club the heads off them or break their bones but bring them in here i v fix em in response to which all the stolid irish would go forth to battle returning frequently with a whole of or alleged all much the worse for the contest there was an old fat irish of about fifty or james king by name who used to amuse me greatly he ruled here like a under the captain whom i rarely saw the latter had an office to himself in the front of the station and rarely came out seeming always to be busy with of one e and another with the however i became great friends his place was behind the central desk in the front of which were two light standards and on the surface of which were his and reports of different kinds behind the desk was his big chair with himself in it stout his round head and fat neck with sweat his fat arms and hands moist and laid heavily over his stomach according to him he had been at this work exactly eight years and before that he had beat the as he said or a beat yes yes tis a he would begin whenever a book about i arrived and he was not busy which usually he was not an there s for ye me lad but ye might just as well take a chair an make comfortable it may be that something will happen an again maybe it won t ye must hope fer the best as the is tis a bad time fer any trouble to be out though in all this hot weather and then he would a large fan which he kept near and begin to fan himself or from a of ice water here then he would sit answering calls from or marking down reports from the men on their beats or answering the complaints of people who came in hour after hour to announce that they had been robbed or their homes had been broken into or that some neighbor was making a nuisance of himself or their wives or husbands or sons or daughters wouldn t obey them or stay in at night yes an what s the matter he would begin when one of these would put in an appearance perhaps it was a man who would be complaining that his wife or daughter would not stay in at night or a woman complaining so of her husband son or daughter well me good woman i can t be ye with that this is no court if yer husband don t support ye er yer son don t come in nights an he s a minor ye can get an order from the judge at the four courts him then if he don t mind ye and ye him arrested er locked up i can help ye that way but not otherwise go to the four courts sometimes in the case of a parent complaining of a daughter s or son s he would a little and say see if ye can bring him around here tell him that the captain to see him then if he comes see what i can do fer ye maybe i can scare him a bit let us say they came a shabby mother or father leading a boy or girl king would assume a most ferocious air and after listening to the complaint of the parent as if it were all news to him would demand what s yet why can t ye stay in what s a book about myself the matter with ye that ye can t obey yer mother don t ye know it s the fer a minor to be out ten at ye don tt well it is an i m ye now d ye me t lock ye up f is that what ye re looking there s a lot good iron back there fer ye if ye t | 43 |
he turned to me maybe they re not why don t you ask the if they are we d better be getting him to the hospital they re all right the victim worry i know all right and eat em all and he began struggling with johnson at the latter s suggestion i hurried into the the proprietor and clerk of which were friends to all of us and inquired they assured me that they were and when i told them that had swallowed about a dozen they insisted that we bring him in and then call an while they prepared an of some kind it happened that the head physician of the st louis city hospital dr marks was also a friend of all newspaper men what free we used to give him i and to him i now turned for aid calling him on the bring him out bring him out he said then wait i ll send the wagon a book about myself by this time johnson with the aid of the clerk and the had brought inside and caused him to drink a quantity of something whereupon we upon him for signs of his approaching by now he was very pale and limp and seemed to grow more so to our intense relief however the city soon came and a smart young in white took charge then we saw hauled away to be out later and detained for days i was told afterward by the doctor that he had taken enough of the to end him had he not been thoroughly out and treated yet within a week or so he was once more up and around fate in the shape of myself and johnson having and many a time thereafter he turned up at this comer as sound and smiling as ever once when i ventured to reproach him for this and other follies he merely said all in the day s wash my boy all in the day s wash if i was so determined to go you should have let me alone heaven only knows what trouble you have stored up for me now by keeping me here when i wanted to go that may have been a divine but i is i let s go and have a drink and we to s bar where we were soon surrounded by who spent most of their time looking out the cool green of that rest room upon the hot street outside i may add that s end was not such as might be expected by the ten years later he had completely his habits and entered the railroad having attained to a considerable position in one of the roads running out of st louis years past during the months the had been conducting a summer charity of some kind a fresh air fund in support of which it attempted every summer to invent and foster some quick money raising scheme this year it had taken the form of that old chestnut a game to be played between two local the men of one called the and the of another known as the the hope of the was to work up interest in this startling novelty by a humorous handling of it as to draw a large crowd to the grounds before i had even heard of it this task had been assigned to two or three others a new man each day in the hope of fresh bits of humor but so far with but indifferent results one day then i was handed a concerning this proposed game that had been written the preceding day by another member of the staff and which was headed blood on the moon it to the preliminary and of those who were to take part in the contest it was not so much an amusing picture as a news item and i did not think very much of it but since i had been warned by that i was about to be called upon to produce the next day s burst and that it must be humorous i was by no means inclined to judge it too harshly the efforts of one s always appear more as one s own threaten to prove inadequate a little later proceeded to outline to me most of the conditions which surrounded this contest see if you can t get some fun into it you must do it some one has to i depend on you for this make us laugh and he smiled a dry almost frosty smile laugh i thought good lord how am i to make anybody laugh f i never wrote anything funny in my life a book about being put to it for this afternoon he had given me no other no doubt that i might have a hard time with this and being the soul of duty i went to my desk to think it over not an idea came to me it seemed to me that nothing could be than this a game between fat and lean men yet if i didn t write something it would be a black mark against me and if i did and it proved a piece of i should sink equally low in the estimation of my superior i took my p and began a possible introduction wondering how one achieved humor when one had it not after writing for a half hour or so i finally re examined the of my of previous days and then sought to take the same tack only instead of describing the aspirations and of the two rival in general terms i assumed a specific interest and on the part of certain of their chief who even now as i proceeded to assert and with names and places given in different parts of the city were spending days and nights ways and means of the enemy thoughts of rubber baskets | 43 |
and in which flies might be caught secret electric under the diamond between the to put into the fat seemed to have some faint trace of humor in them and these i now introduced as being worked out in various secret places in order that the great game might not be lost as i wrote building up purely imaginary characteristics for each one involved i did not know any of them i myself began to grow interested and amused it all seemed so ridiculous such and yet the worse i made it the better it seemed at last i finished it but upon re reading it i was disturbed by the coarse horse play of it all this will never get by i thought will think it s rotten but having by now come to a rather friendly understanding with i decided to take it over and ask him so that in case i had failed i might try again wearily he eyed me with his one eye for already he had been this for days then leaned back in his chair and began to read it over at first he did not seem to be much a book about myself interested but after the first paragraph which he with a blank expression he smiled and finally this is pretty good yes ton needn t worry about it i think it do leave it with me then he began to it later in the afternoon when had come in to give out the evening i saw gather it up and go in to him after a time he came out smiling and in a little while called me in not bad not bad he said tapping the manuscript lightly you ve got the right idea i think i ll let you do that for a while until we get up on it you needn t do anything else just that if you do it well enough i was pleased for judging by the time it had taken to do this not more than two hours i should have most of my to myself i saw visions of a late breakfast in my room walks after i had done with my work and before i returned to the curiously enough this trivial thing undertaken at first in great doubt and with no sense of ability and with no real for it nevertheless proved for me the most fortunate thing i had thus far done it was not so much that it was brilliant or even especially well done as that what i did fell in with the idle summer mood of the city or with the and the readers of the republic letters began to arrive pleased individuals whose names had been mentioned began to call up the city editor or the managing editor or even the editor in chief and voice their approval in a and almost before i knew it i was a personage especially in newspaper circles we ve got the stuff now all right most violently one evening at the same time me on the shoulder this do it i m sure a few weeks and well get a big crowd and a lot of just you stick to the way you re doing this now don t change your style we ve got em coming now i was really amazed and to add to it s manner toward me changed hitherto despite his but poorly concealed efforts he had been a book about distant now of a he was softer more confidential i have a friend up the street here frank an awfully nice fellow he s the second assistant of this or that or the other such company in one of these comic of yours don t you think you could ring him in in some way he s an and i m sure the mention would him to death i saw the point of mr s good nature he was handing round some on his own account but since it was easy for me to do it and could not injure the text in any way and seemed to the paper and myself immensely i was glad to do it each evening when at six or seven i chose to in having spent the afternoon at my room or elsewhere my text all done in an hour as a rule my small chief would beam on me most cordially got there another t let s see well go get your dinner and if you don t want to back go and see a show there s not much doing tonight anyhow and i d like to keep you fresh don t stay up too late and turn me in another good one tomorrow so it went in a and as if by magic i was lifted into an entirely different realm the ease of those hours citizens of local distinction wanted to meet me i was asked by one afternoon to come to the southern bar in order that colonel so and so the head of this that or the other thing as well as some others might meet me i was told that this that and the other person here thought i must be clever a fo d or a genius i was invited to a midnight at some country club the local newspaper men who gathered at the daily all knew and finding me in high favor with the of the hotel bar whose name i had mentioned once now laughed with me and drank at my expense or rather at that of the proprietor for i was told by him that i could pay for no drinks there which kept me often from going there at all as the days went on i assured that owing to my efforts the game was certain to be a book about myself a big success that it was the most the | 43 |
had ever pulled and that it would net the fund several thousand dollars for four or five weeks then it seemed to me as though i were walking on air life was so different so pleasant these hot bright days with everybody pleased with me and my name as a clever man a being about some of my new admirers were so pleased with me that they asked me to come to their homes to see them i was becoming a personage of the having asked me casually one day where i lived i was surprised that night in my room by a large containing champagne and i transferred it to the office of the for the staff with my compliments my handling of the fat lean game having established me as a feature writer of some ability the republic decided to give me another feature there had been in progress a contest which embraced the whole state and which was to decide which of many hundreds of school teachers the out of how many districts in the state i cannot now recall were to be sent to to see the world s fair for two or more weeks at the republic s expense in addition a or correspondent was to be sent with the party to report its daily doings and that s comments were to be made a daily news feature and that was to be m i was not seeking it had not even heard of it but according to who was selecting the man for the management i was the one most likely to give a satisfactory picture of the life at the great fair as well as render the republic a service in the doings of these teachers an agent of the business manager was also going along to look after the practical details and also the city of schools i welcomed this opportunity to see the world s fair which was then in its and filling the newspapers i don t mind telling you observed to me a few days before the final account of the game was to be written that your work on this ball game has been good a book about myself everybody is pleased now there s a little excursion we re going to send up to and i m going to send you along on that for a rest mr our business manager will tell you all about it you see him about and expenses when am i to got i asked thursday thursday night then i don t have to see the ball oh that s all right you ve done the part of that let some one else write it up i smiled at the compliment i went downstairs and had somebody explain to me what it was the paper was going to do and congratulated myself now i was to have a chance to visit the world s fair which had not yet opened when i left i could look up my father whom i had neglected since my mother s death as well as such other members of the family as were still living in but most important i could go around to the there and blow to my old about my present success all i had to do was to go along and observe what the girls did and how they themselves and then write it up i went up the street humming and rejoicing and finally landed in the art department of my friends i m being sent to to the world s fair i said bully for you was the unanimous return let s hope you have a good time chapter as the time drew near though the thought of a sort of literary to a lot of school teachers probably all of them homely and uninteresting was not as cheering as it might have been i wondered how i should manage to be civil and interesting to so many how i was to extract news out of them yet the attitude of the business manager and the managing editor as well as the editor in chief or mr to whom i was now introduced by my city editor was enough to convince me that whatever i thought of it i was plainly rising in their esteem although no word was said about any increase in pay which i still consider the limit of policy these were most cordial smiled and congratulated me on my work and then turned me over to the man who had the of the trip in charge he reminded me a good deal of a banker or church elder small dark full solemn and assured me that he was glad that i had been appointed that i was the ideal man for the place and that he would see to it that anything i needed to make my trip pleasant would be provided i could scarcely believe that i was so important after asking me to go and see the of schools also of the party as guest of the republic he said he would send to me a mr dean who would be his agent en route to look after everything baggage hotels meals the latter came and at once threw a wet blanket over me he was utterly dull and commonplace his clothes his shoes his loud tie and his muddy commonplace intellect all irritated me beyond measure something he said now of course we all want to do everything we can to please these ladies and make them happy irritated me the usual pastoral stuff i thought and i at once decided that i did not want him to bother me in any way what did this a book about myself horrible assume that he was my conduct on this trip or that i was going out of my way to accommodate myself to him and his theory of | 43 |
how the trip should be conducted or to accept him as a social equal f we must indeed i the well known newspaper writer of st louis the well he would get scant attention from me and the more he let me alone the better it would be for him and all of and now also began to me by attempting to give me minute instructions as to just what was wanted and how i was to write it although as i understood it i was now working for the managing editor who was to have the material in the telegraph department besides i thought that i was now entitled to a little and discretion in the choice of what i should report the idea of making it all for the republic and myself a literary wet nurse to a school party was a little too much however i down to the train that was waiting to carry this party of to and the world s fair a solid train which left st louis at dusk and arrived in early the next morning the fifth of the was reserved to carry the school teachers and their mr of schools mr dean the business manager representative and myself i entered the car wondering of course what the result of such a temporary companionship with so many girls might be they were all popular hence beautiful prize as i had heard but my mind had a somewhat conception of the ordinary school mistress and i did not expect much for once in my life i was agreeably disappointed these were young school teachers and as attractive as that profession will permit i was no sooner seated in a gaudy car than one of the end doors opened and there was ushered in by the porter a pretty girl of perhaps twenty four this was a good beginning immediately thereafter there came in a tall fair girl with light brown hair and blue eyes others now entered a book about myself and and slender with various or types instead of a mounting contempt i suddenly began to suffer from a sickening sense of inability to hold my own in the face of so many pretty girls what could i do with twenty girls how write about maybe the business manager representative or the would not come on this train and i should be left to introduce these girls to each other i i should have to find out their names and i had not thought to inquire at the office i fortunately for my peace of mind a large rather dressed man with big soft ruddy hands decorated with several rings and a full oval face tinted with health now entered by the front door and beamed cheerfully upon all ah here we are now he began with the impressive air of one in authority going up to the first maiden he saw i see you have arrived safely miss ah c i m glad to see you again how are you we went on to another and here is miss w well i am glad i read in the that you had won i realized that this was the professor so earnestly recommended to me the of schools and one upon whom i was to comment i rather liked him an engine went puffing and by on a neighboring track i gazed out of the window it seemed essential for me to begin doing something but i did not know how to begin suddenly the large hand was laid on my shoulder and the professor stood over me this must be mr of the republic tour business manager mr me this morning that you were coming you must let me introduce you to all these young ladies we want to get the over and be on easy terms i bowed heavily for i felt as though i were turning to stone the and sparkle of these girls all and laughing had fairly done for me i followed the professor as one to the gallows and he began at one end of the car and introduced me to one girl after another as though it were a state affair of some kind i felt like a i was a book about myself and yet delighted by his and the fact that he was helping me over a very situation i envied him his ease and self possession he soon himself leaving me to converse as best i might with a pretty black haired irish girl whose eyes made me wish to be agreeable and now idiot i struggled desperately for bright things to say how did one entertain a pretty girl anyhow f the girl came to my rescue by on the nature of the contest and the difficulties she had had she hadn t thought she would win at all some others joined in and before i knew it the train was out of the station and on its way the porter was closing the windows for the long the girls were sinking into comfortable attitudes and there was a general air of and good nature before east st louis was reached a general conversation was in progress and by the time the train was a half hour out a party of had gathered in the little chamber which was at the rear of the car laughing and but i was not of it nor was the girl with whom i was why don t you come back here called a voice having lots of fun up there t called another do come back for goodness don t try to one whole man i felt my legs going from under me could this be must i now go back there and try to face six or seven i followed m and at the door stopped and looked in it was full of pretty girls my partner of the moment | 43 |
before now chattering lightly among them i m gone i thought it s all off now for the grand and silence which way shall i turn f to whom t there s room for one more here said a making a place for me i could not refuse this challenge i m the one i said weakly and sank heavily beside her she looked at me as did the others and at a vast expense of energy and will power i managed to achieve a smile it was pathetic isn t train riding just glorious t exclaimed one of these bright faced i bet i haven t been on a it a book about myself train twice before in all my life and look at me i do it all right don t if i d just love to travel i wish i could travel all the time oh don t you though echoed the girl who was sitting beside me and whom up to now i had scarcely noticed do you think she looks so nice riding f i cannot recall what i answered it may have been witty if so it was an accident what do you call the proper surroundings t put in a new voice in answer to something that was said which same drew my attention to blue eyes a s bow mouth and a wealth of corn colored hair these i finally achieved gallantly gazing about the and at my companions a burst of applause followed i was coming to yet i was still bewildered by the of faces about me already the idea of the dreary school teachers had been dissipated these were prize look where i would i seemed to see a new type of me it was like being in the toils of those in the ring of the yet i had no desire to escape wishing to stay now and see how i could make out as a indeed at this i worked hard i did my best to gaze and into pretty eyes of various colors they all gazed back i was almost the only man they were out for a lark what would if i had my wishes now i d wish for just one thing i volunteered expecting to arouse curiosity which asked the girl with the brown eyes and little face who wished to travel forever her look was significant this one i said running my finger around in a circle to include them all and yet stopping at none we re not won yet though said the girl couldn t you bet i asked not all at once anyhow could we t she asked speaking for the crowd i found myself poor at it will seem all at once though when it happens won t it i finally managed to it a book about myself return isn t it always so sudden t i was surprising myself aren t you smart said the blue eyed girl beside me that s clever isn t ity said the girl with the hair i gazed in her direction beside her sat a maiden whom i had but dimly noticed she was in white with a mass of sunny red hair her eyes were shaped liquid and blue gray her nose was straight and fine her lips sweetly curved she seemed and retiring at her bosom was a of pink roses but one had come loose oh your flowers i exclaimed let me give you one she replied laughing i had not heard her voice before and i liked it certainly i said then to the others you see take anything i can get she drew a rose from her bosom and held it out toward me won t you put it on t i asked she leaned over and began to fasten it she worked a moment and then looked at me making as i thought a sheep s eye at me you may have my place said the girl next me to help her and she took it the conversation even after this although for me i felt that it had now taken a definite turn i was talking for her benefit we were still in the midst of this when the conductor passed through and after him mr dean middle aged dusty assured these are the people he said they are all in one party he called me aside and we sat down he explaining cheerfully and the trouble he was having keeping in order i could have murdered him i m looking out for the baggage and the hotel bills and all he insisted in the morning well be met by a ho and ride out to the hotel i was thinking of my splendid of girls and the delightful time i had been having a book about myself well be fine won t it i said wearily is that all oh we have it all planned out he went on it s going to be a fine trip i did my best to show that i had no desire to talk but still he kept on he wanted to meet the teachers and i had to introduce him fortunately he became interested in one small group and i away only to find my original group considerably reduced some had gone to the others were arranging their about their the porter came in and began to make them up i looked about me well our little group has broken up i said at last to the girl of my choice as i came up to where she was sitting yes it s getting late but i m not sleepy yet we dropped into an easy conversation and i learned that she was from and taught in a little town not far from st louis she explained to me how she had come to win and i told her how ignorant i had been | 43 |
flowing from what heart we know not but in which as little our and float it is possible that there may be some care an a of the scales of suffering and pleasure i hope so if not i know not the reason for tears or those emotions with a book about myself which so many of us the memory of seemingly ills if why i sought miss w who was up before me and sitting beside her section window i was about to go and talk with her when my attention was claimed by other girls this could not very well afford to see the attention of the only man on board so easily there were so many pretty faces among them that i wavered i talked idly among them interested to see what and how much of an impression i might make my natural love of made them all inviting when the train drew into we were met by a which the obliging mr dean had been kind enough to announce to each and every one of us as the train stopped the idea of riding to the world s fair in such a thing and with this somewhat conspicuous party of school teachers went very much against the grain being very conscious of my personal dignity in the presence of others and knowing the american and middle west attitude toward all these new and persistently toys and pleasures of the east and england i was inclined to look upon this one as out of place in besides a canvas strip on the coach the nature of this expedition me and seemed involved with the character of mr dean that had done this i was sure i wondered whether the and well of schools would lend himself to any such thing when plainly it was to be written up in the republic but since he did not seem to mind it i was in fact he took it all with a charming and grace which eventually succeeded in putting my own silly and pride to he sat up in front with me and the driver discussing philosophy education the fair a dozen things during which i made a great at wise and a wider reading than i had ever had once clear of the and turning into street we were off behind six good horses through as interesting a business section as one might wish to see its high buildings a book about myself the earliest and most numerous in america and its mass of traffic making a brisk summer morning scene i was by avenue that splendid with its brief vista of the lake which was whipped to this bright morning by a fresh wind and then the long residence lined avenue to the south with its wealth of new and homes its smart and lighting its crush of pleasure traffic hurrying or to the fair within an hour we were assigned rooms in a comfortable hotel near the fair grounds one of those hastily and yet fairly well constructed buildings which later were changed into or apartments one wall of this hotel as i now discovered the side on which my room was faced a portion of the fair grounds and from my windows i could see some of its classic roofs all at once and oat of nothing in this dingy city of six or seven hundred thousand which but a few years before had been a wilderness of wet grass and mud and by this lake which but a hundred years before was a lone silent waste had now been reared this vast and harmonious collection of perfectly constructed and snowy buildings containing in their delightful the artistic mechanical and scientific achievements of the world greece italy india egypt germany south america the west and east indies the all represented i have often thought since how those who up to that time had imagined that nothing of any artistic or scientific import could possibly be brought to in america especially in the middle west must have opened their eyes as i did mine at the sight of this realized dream of beauty this splendid picture of the world s own hope for itself i have long at it and do now as i recall it its splendid court of honor with its and simple grandeur the with its amazing grace of columns and figures the great central arch with its the dome of the administration building with its daring the splendid on the agricultural building as well as those on the and women s buildings it was not as if many minds had labored toward a book about myself this great end or as if the great raw city which did not quite understand itself as yet had endeavored to make a great show hut rather as though some brooding spirit of beauty inherent possibly in some directing over soul had waved a magic t and quite as might have in the tempest or queen in a night s dream and lo this in the morning when i came down from my room i fell in with miss w in the and was thrilled by the contact she was so gay good natured smiling unaffected and with her now was a younger sister of whom i had not heard and who had come to by a different route to join her i was promptly introduced and we sat down at the same table it was not long before we were joined by the others and then i could see by the exchange of glances that it was presumed that i had fallen a victim to this of the night before but already the personality of the younger sister was appealing to me quite as much as the elder she was so radiant of humor plump laughing and with such an easy and natural mode of address somehow she struck me as knowing more | 43 |
of life than her sister being more and yet quite as innocent after breakfast the company broke up into groups of two and three each had plans for the day and began talking them over we started off finally for the fair gate and on the way i had an opportunity to study some of the other members of the party and make up my mind as to whether i really preferred her above all despite my toward miss w i now discovered that there was a number whose charms if not superior to those of miss w were greater than i had imagined while some of those who had attracted me the night before were being modified by little traits of character or which i did not like among them was one rosy black haired irish girl whose solid beauty attracted me very much she was young and dark and robust with the air of a i looked at her quite taken by her snapping black eyes but nothing came of it for the moment we were all becoming interested in the fair a book about myself together then we drifted for an hour or more in this world of glorious sights an hour or more of dreaming over the arches the reflections in the water the statues the shadowy by the steps of the moving like figures in a dream was it real t i sometimes wonder for it is all gone gone the summer days and nights the air the color the form the mood in its place is a green park by a lake still beautiful but a city that grows and grows ever larger but harder colder chapter possibly it was the brightness and freshness of this first day the romance of an fair in america the whiteness of the buildings against the morning sun a blue sky and a lake the weaving in and out a lightness and an wholly at war with an that this western world had as yet presented which caused me to be swept into a dream from which i did not recover for months i walked away a little space with my friend of the night before learning more of her home and as i saw her now she seemed more and more natural inviting humor seemed a part of her and romance as well as understanding and patience a quiet and and undisturbed patience i liked her immensely she seemed from the first to offer me an understanding and a i which i had never yet realized in any one she smiled at my humor appreciated my moods returning to my room late in the afternoon i was conscious of a task what to write that was worth while and yet so deeply moved by it all that i could have clapped my hands for joy i wanted to or describe it a mood which youth will understand and maturity smile at which causes the mind to sing to set forth on fantastic but if i wrote anything worth while i cannot now recall it i was too eager to loaf and dream and do nothing at all almost too idle to on what i had been called upon to do i sent off something a thousand or so words of or rapture and then settled to my real task of seeing the fair by night and by day now that i was here i was cheered by the thought that very soon within a day or two at most i should be able to seek out and crow over all my old a considerable group of newspaper men as well as my brothers a and b tf a book about myself who were here employed somewhere and my father several sisters for my father who was now seventy two years of age i had all of a sudden as i have indicated above the greatest sympathy at home up to my or birthday before i got out in the world and began to make my own way i had found him with too much religion but in spite of all this and the quarrels and which arose because of it there had always been something tender in his views charming poetic and now i felt sorry for him a little while before and after my mother s death it had seemed to me that he had become wild on the subject of the church and the hereafter was us all with his persistent concerning duty economy and the like the need of living a clean saving religious life now after a year out in the world with a knowledge of very different things i saw him in an entirely different light while that he was irritable i suddenly saw him as just a broken old man whose hopes and had come to nothing whose religion impossible as it was to me was still a comfort and a blessing to him here he was alone his wife dead his children scattered and not very much interested in him any more now that i was here in the city again i decided that as soon as i could arrange my other affairs i would go over on the west side and look him up and bring him to see the fair which of course he had not seen for i knew that with his saving worrying almost disposition he would not be able to bring himself to endure the expense even though tickets were provided him of visiting the fair alone he had had too much trouble getting enough to live on in these latter years to i him to enjoy anything which cost money i could hear him saying no no i cannot afford it we have too many debts he had not always been so but time and many troubles had made the saving of money almost a with him the next morning therefore i to | 43 |
the west side a book about myself and finally found him quite alone as it chanced the other members of the family then living with him having gone out i shall never forget how old he looked after my year s absence how his eyelids after a slightly and attempted hard examining glance at me his lips and tears to his eyes he was so utterly done for as he knew and dependent on the courtesy of his children and life i cried myself and rubbed his hands and his hair then told him that i was doing well and had come to take him to see the fair that i had tickets a no less and that it shouldn t cost him a penny naturally he was surprised and glad to see me so anxious to know if i still to the catholic faith and went to confession and communion regularly in the old days this had been the main bone of between us tell me he said not two minutes after i arrived do you still keep up your church duties when i hesitated for a moment uncertain what to say he went on tou ought to do that you know if you should die in a state of mortal sin yes yes i interrupted making up my mind to give him i on this score if i never did another thing in this world i always go right along once every month or six weeks you really do that do he asked me more in appeal than doubt though judging by my obstinate past he must have doubted yes i insisted sure i always go regularly i m glad of that he went on i worry so i think of you and the rest of the children so much you re a young man now and out in the world and if you neglect your religious duties and he paused as if in a grave when you re out like that i know it s hard to think of the church and your duties but you shouldn t neglect them oh lord i thought now he s off again this is the same old story religion religion religion but i do go i insisted you mustn t worry about me i know he said with a sudden catch in his voice but a book about myself i can t help it yon know how it is with the other i they don t always do right in that respect is away on the stage i don t know whether he goes to any more j and e are here but they don t come here i haven t seen them in i don t know how long months i resolved to plead with b and a when i saw them he was sitting in a big facing a rear window and now he took my hand again and held it soon i felt hot tears on it pop i said pulling his head against me and it you mustn t cry things aren t so bad as all that the children are all right well probably be able to do better and more for you than we ve ever done i know i know he said after a little while his emotion but i m getting so old and i don t sleep much any more just an hour or two i lie there and think in the morning i get up at four sometimes and make my coffee then the days are so long i cried too the long days the fading interests mother gone and the family broken up i know i said i haven t acted just right none of us have ill write you from now on when i m away and send you some money once in a while i m going to get you a big overcoat for next winter and now i want you to come over with me to the fair i ve tickets and you ll enjoy it i m a press representative now a correspondent ill show you everything after due persuasion he got his hat and stick and came with me we took a car and an elevated road which finally landed us at the gate and then for as long as his strength would endure we wandered about looking at the enormous buildings the great wheel the and maria in which sailed to america the of la which because it related to the fascinated him and finally the german village on the as and as ever a german would wish where we had coffee and little german cakes with a book about myself way seeds on them and some pot cheese with red and he was so interested and amused by the vast spectacle that he could do little save exclaim by this is now beautiful or that is now wonderful in the german village he fell into a conversation with a german who had a stand there and who hailed from some part of germany about which he seemed to know and then all was well indeed it was long before i could get him away these delightful visits were repeated only about four times during my stay of two weeks when he admitted that it was and he had seen enough another morning when i had not too to do i looked up my brother e who was driving a wagon somewhere on the south side and got him to come out evenings and sundays as well as a who was connected with an electric plant as assistant of some kind i recall now with an odd feeling as to the significance of relationship and family ties generally how important his and e s interests were to me then and how i suffered because i thought they were not getting along as well as | 43 |
they should looking in a shoe window in a year or two later i actually choked with emotion because i thought that maybe e did not earn enough to keep himself looking well a always seemed more or less in his and whenever i saw him i felt sad because like so many millions of others in this grinding world he had never had a real chance life is so casual and luck comes to many who sleep and flies from those who try i always felt that under more advantageous circumstances a would have done well he was so wise if slightly cynical full of a laughing humor his taste for literature and artistic things in general was high although entirely like myself he had a turn for the problems of nature constantly wondering as to the why of this or that and seeking the answer in a broader knowledge but long hours of work and poor pay seemed to him in his search i was sad beyond words about his condition and urged him to come to st louis and try his luck there which he subsequently did a book about myself another thing i did was to visit the old in fifth avenue only to find things in a bad way there although and were still there the paper was not paying was in fact in danger of immediate john b its financial or having lost a fortune in trying to make it pay and win an election with it was about ready to quit and the paper was on its last legs i get them in st louis had gone to the and was now a successful copy reader there in my new summer suit and straw hat and with my various i felt myself to be quite a personage how much better i had than these men who had been in the business longer than i had certainly i would see what i could do they must write me they could find me now at such and such a hotel the sweets of success i in the newspaper press association offices in the great administration building several of my friends from the press showed up and here we to talk daily in this building at eight or nine or ten at night i filed a report or message about one thousand words long and was pleased to see by the papers that arrived that my text was used about as i wrote it loving the grounds of the fair so much i there nearly all day long and all evening now one girl and now another but principally miss w and her sister almost unconsciously i was being fascinated by these two with my miss w the more and yet i was not content to confine myself to her but was constantly looking here and there being by a number of the others thus one afternoon after i had visited the administration building and filed my rather early miss w having been unable to be with me at the fair i returned to the hotel a little weary of and finding an upper balcony which faced the fair sat there in a awaiting the return of some of the party presently as i was resting and humming to myself there came down to the parlor which this balcony that rosy irish girl miss who had attracted me the very first morning she seemed a book about myself to be seeking that room in order to sing and play there being a piano here she was dressed in a close fitting suit of white linen which set off her robust little figure to perfection her heavy black hair was parted severely in the middle and hung heavily over her white temples she had a rich blooded healthy look not by desire i was looking through the window when she came in and was wondering if she would discover me when she did she smiled and i waved to her to come out we talked about the fair and my duties in connection with it when i explained the nature of my she wanted to know if i had mentioned her name yet i assured her that i had and this pleased her i had the feeling that she liked me and that i could influence her if i chose what has become of your friend miss w she finally asked with a touch of malice when i looked at her too kindly i don t know i haven t seen her since yesterday or the day before which was not true what makes you ask oh i thought you rather liked her she said boldly throwing up her chin and smiling and what made you think i asked calmly it was in my mind that i could master and deceive her as to this and i proposed to try oh i just thought so you seemed to like her company not any more than i do that of others i insisted with great assurance she s interesting that s all i didn t think i was showing any preference oh i m just joking she laughed i really don t think anything about it one of the other girls made the remark well she s wrong i said indifferently but i could see that she wasn t joking i could also see that i had relieved her mind my pose of indifference had her feeling that i was not wholly free we sat and talked until dinner and then i asked her if she would like to go for a stroll in the park to which she agreed by now we were obviously drifting toward each other it it a book about myself and i thought how fine it would be to idle and dream with this girl in the moonlight after dinner when we started out the air was soft and and the moon was | 43 |
just rising over the in the east a faint of fresh flowers and fresh leaves was abroad and the night seemed to rest in a soothing stillness from the came the sounds of muffled and wi the passion of the east before us were the wide stretches of the park dark and suggestive of where groups of trees were gathered in silent motionless array in others by a fairy brightness which su a world of romance and feeling i walked silently on with her with a feeling of ecstasy now i was surely proving to myself that i was not entirely helpless in the presence of girls this time of idleness and moonlight was in such smooth with my most romantic wishes she was not so romantic but the ardent luxury of her nature appeared to answer to the romantic call of mine isn t this i said at last seeking to interest her yes she replied almost practically ive been wondering why some of the girls don t come over here at night it s so wonderful but i suppose they re tired they re not as strong as you that s it you re so vigorous i was thinking today how healthy you look were and i was just thinking what my mother would say if she knew i was out here with a total stranger you told me you lived in st louis i think i said yes out in the north end near park well then i ll get to see you when you go back i laughed oh will she returned how do you know well won t it the thought flashed across my mind that once i had been in this park with several years before we had sat under a tree not so very far from here near a i a book about myself by the moon and had listened to music played in the distance i remembered how i had whispered sweet and kissed her to my heart s content well you may if you re good she replied i began with her now i deliberately descended from the ordinary reaches of my intelligence anxious to match her own interests with some which would seem allied i wanted her to like me although i felt all the while that we were by no means suited she was too commonplace and although so attractive physically we sat in silence for a time and i slipped my hand down and laid hold of her fingers she did not stir pretending not to notice but i felt that she was thrilling also you asked about miss w i said what made you do h i thought you liked her why shouldn t it it never occurred to you that i might like some one else certainly not why should i i pressed her fingers softly she turned on me all at once a face so white and tense that it showed fully the feeling that now her it was almost as if she were breaking under an intense nervous strain which she was attempting to conceal i thought you might i replied there is some one you know i was surprising myself is there her voice sounded weak she did not attempt to look at me now and i was wondering how far i would go you couldn t guess of course no why should i look at me i said quietly all right she said with a little indifferent shrug i ll look at you there now what of it again that intense nervous strained look her lips were parted in a shy frightened smile showing her pretty teeth her eyes were touched with points of light where the moonlight falling over my shoulder shone upon them it gave her whole face an almost something it a book about myself and which spoke of the and endurance of all these things she was far more wonderful here than ever she could have been in clear daylight you have beautiful eyes i remarked oh she shrugged is that no you have beautiful teeth and hair such hair you mustn t grow sentimental she not removing her hand i slipped my arm about her waist and she moved nervously and you still can t guess i said finally no she replied keeping her face from me then tell you and putting my free hand to her cheek i turned her face to me i studied her closely and then in a moment the last of reluctance and in her seemed to at the touch of my hand on her cheek she seemed to change the whole power of her ardent nature was rising at last she seemed to be yielding completely and i put my lips to hers and kissed her warmly then pressed her close and held her now do you i asked after a time yes she nodded and for a proffered kiss returned an ardent one of her own i was beside myself with astonishment and delight for the life of me i could not explain to myself how it was that i had achieved this result so swiftly something in the atmosphere something in our i fancied made this quick spiritual and material understanding possible but i wanted to know how for a time we sat thus in the moonlight i holding her hand and pressing her waist yet i could not feel that i liked her beyond the charm of her physical appearance but that was enough at present physical beauty with not too much was all i asked then youth a measure of innocence and beauty i pretended to have a real feeling for her and to be struck by her beauty which was not wholly my feelings however as i well knew were of so light and a character that it seemed almost a shame to her in this fashion why had i done it was decidedly | 43 |
and by for once in my life i seemed to be truly and happy and that in this very city where but a year or two before i had keen distress toward the middle of the second week left for and then i had miss w all to myself by now i had come to feel an intense interest in her an over the mere thought of being with her in addition to tliis joy my mind and body seemed to be in some fashion to and the fair as a whole the romance and color of it all the of the air the raw fresh young force of the city so vividly manifested in its sounding streets its towering new its far flung lines of avenues and and by way of contrast its vast regions of middle and lower class poor when we lived here as a family i had always thought that poverty was no great hardship the poor were poor enough in all conscience but oh the singing hope of the city itself up up and to work i here were tasks for a million hands in spite of my attachment to the fair and miss and miss w i was to visit the streets in which we had once lived or where i had walked much in the old days mere journeys of remembrance but as i wandered about i realized that the city was not my city any more that life was a shifting thing its seeming ties uncertain and and that that which one day we held dear was tomorrow gone to come no more how plain it was i thought and with some surprise so ignorant is youth that even seemingly brisk such as the globe here in and some others with which i had been connected could or disappear completely one s commercial as well as one s family life be scattered to four winds this i now felt an intense sense of a book about myself loneliness and for what i could scarcely say for each and every one of past pleasant moments i presume our abandoned home in street now to another my old desk at the now occupied by an other s former home on this south side n s in street i was gloomy over having no fixed abode no worthy the name here who could soothe and comfort me in such an hour as this curiously enough at such moments i felt an intense leaning toward miss w who seemed to answer with something stable and abiding i am at a loss even now to describe it but so it was and it was more than anything else a sense of peace and support which i found in her presence a something that suggested and warmth possibly the whole closely knit family atmosphere which was behind her and upon which she relied she would listen apparently with interest to all my youthful and no doubt accounts of my former newspaper experiences here as well as in st louis which i painted in high colors with myself as a newspaper man deep in the of my paper walking about the fair grounds one night i wished to take her hand but so was i by her personality that i could scarcely muster up the courage to do it when i at last did she withdrew her hand pretending not to notice the same thing happened an evening or two later when i persuaded her and her sister to accompany me and a fellow whom i met in to park where was a band concert and the playing of a colored fountain given by the late c t then looked upon as one of the sights of the city i recall how warm and clear was the evening our trip northward on the newly built alley l so called because no public could be secured for it how when we got off at street where the enormous store of company had only recently been opened we there took a surface cable to park it was barely dusk when we reached the park and the fountain did not play until nine but its colored wonders we walked along the shore of the lake in the darkness alone a book about myself her sister and my friend having been swallowed up in the great crowd once near the lake shore we were alone i found myself desperately interested without knowing how to proceed it was a state of i fancy in which i felt myself to be happy because more or less convinced of her feeling for me and yet gravely uncertain as to whether she would ever permit herself to be in love she was so poised and serene so stable and yet so tender i felt foolish unworthy were not the crude of love too much for she might like me now but the slightest error on my part in word or deed would no doubt drive her away and i should never see her again i wanted to put my arm about her waist or hold her hand but it was all beyond me then she seemed too remote a little unreal finally moved by the quality of it all i left her and strolled down to the very edge of the lake where the water was the sand i had the feeling that if she really cared for me she would follow me but she did not she waited on the rise above but i felt all the while that she was drawing toward me intensely and holding me as in a half angry but still fascinated i returned anything but the master of this situation in truth she had me as completely in tow as any woman could wish and was able or unconsciously to the progress of this affair to suit herself but nothing came of this except a deeper feeling of her exceptional | 43 |
charm i was more than ever moved by her grace and force what i what delicacy of feature her big eyes soft and appealing her small red mouth her abundance of red hair a constant before she left for her home one of the inland about ninety miles from st louis all that was left of the party which was not many paid a visit to st joe on the shore opposite it was a bright and warm sunday the were comfortable and the beach at st joe perfect a long coast of lovely white sand with the blue waves breaking over it en route because a book about myself of the size of the party and the accidental arrangement of friends i was thrown in with b the sister of my adored one and in spite of myself i found myself being swiftly drawn to her desperately so and that in the face of the strong attachment for her sister there was something so cheering and about her point of view something so provoking and a veritable of and humor for some reason both on the boat and in the water she devoted herself to me until she seemed suddenly to realize what was happening to us both then she and i saw her no more or very little of her but the damage had been done i was intensely moved by her even dreaming of changing my attentions but she was too fond of her sister to allow anything like that from then on she avoided me with the sole intent as i could see of not her sister we returned at night i with the most troubled feelings about the whole affair and it was only after i had returned to st louis that the old feeling for s came back and i began to see and think of her as i had that night in park then her charm seemed to come with full force and for days i could think of nothing else the fair the hotel the evening walks and what she was doing now but even this was shot through with the most thoughts of her sister and miss i leave it to those who can to solve this mystery of the affections miss w as i understood it was not to come back to st louis until the late autumn when she could be found in an aristocratic about twenty miles out teaching of course whereas miss was little more than a half hour s ride from my room but as i now thought i had not troubled to look up although once she had meant so much of and happiness to me what kind of man was i to become thus indifferent and then grieve over chapter to return and take np the ordinary routine of after these crystal days of beauty and romance was anything but satisfactory gone was the white city with its towers and and the wide blue wash of lake at its feet after the fair and the greater city st louis seemed indeed still i argued i was getting along here better than i had in when i went down to the i found as usual over current papers he was always and like a little old punch in his office the mere sight of him made me wish that i were through with the newspaper business forever it brought back all the regularity of the old days when should i get out of it i now began to ask myself for the first time what was my real calling in should i ever again have my evenings to myself f when should i be able to idle and as i had seen other people doing f i did not then realize how few the leisure class really i was always taking the evidence of one or two passing before my gaze as indicating a vast company was one of the who were shut out was one whose life was to be a wretched tragedy for want of means to enjoy it now when i had youth and health well did you have a good asked te i replied that s a great show up there it s beautiful any of the girls fall in love with he oh it wasn t as bad as that well i suppose you re ready to settle down now to hard work i ve got a lot of things here for you to do i cannot say that i was cheered by this it was hard to a book about myself have to settle down to ordinary after all these recent glories it seemed to me as though an chapter of my life had been closed forever thereafter i undertook one interesting and another but without further developing my education as to the workings of life i was beginning to tire of and one more murder or political or social mystery aided me in no way i recall however taking on a strange murder mystery over la which kept me stationed in a small for days and all the time there was nothing save a sense of hard work about it all again there was a train robbery that took me into the heart of a rural region where were nothing but farmers and small towns again there was a change of train service which permitted the distribution of st louis newspapers earlier than the papers in territory which was somehow disputed between them and because of which i was called upon to make a trip between midnight and dawn riding for hours in the and then describing folly this wonderful special newspaper service which was to make all the inhabitants of this region wiser kinder richer because they could get the st louis papers before they could those of i really did not think much of it although i was congratulated upon having a fine picture one thing | 43 |
really did interest me a famous having come to town and wishing to his skill he requested the republic to a man or a committee to ride with him in a carriage through the crowded streets while he but driving followed the directing thoughts of the man who should sit on the seat beside him i was ordered to get up this committee which i did dick peter and myself were my final choice i sitting on the front seat and doing the thinking while the in and out between cars and sharp comers huge by a hair only to wind up finally at dick s door dash up the one of stairs and into the room the door being left open for this and then climb up on a chair placed next to a wardrobe and as a book about myself per my thought all decided on beforehand take down that peculiar head of alley and hand it to me now this thing when actually worked out under my very eyes and with myself doing the thinking astounded me and caused me to the mysteries of life more than ever how could another man read my mind like what was it that perceived and interpreted my thoughts it gave me an immense kick mentally one that stays by me to this day and set me off eventually on the matters of and mysteries generally when this was written up as true as it was it made a splendid story and attracted a great deal of attention once and for all it cleared up my thoughts as to the power of mind over so called matter and caused this committee to enter upon experiments of its own with and the like until we were fairly well satisfied as to the import of these things i myself stood on the stomach of a thin boy of not more than seventeen years of age while his head was placed on one chair his feet on another and no brace of any kind was put under his body yet his stomach held me up but having established the truth of such things for ourselves we found no method of doing anything with our knowledge it was practically useless in this region and decidedly another individual who interested me quite as might a book or story was a a fat irish type who came to town about this time and proved to be immensely in getting up large meetings entrance to which he charged soon there were ugly as to character of his especially at his home where he advertised to receive interested in private one day my noble and city editor set me to the task of out all this with the intention of kicking the on the gentleman and so driving him out of town was it because mr interested in morals or at least to the local sentiment for a moral city considered this man a real menace to st louis and so wished to be rid of not at all mr cared no more for mr or the public or its morals than he cared for the a book about myself politics of in the heart of st louis at very time in chestnut street was a large district devoted to such as this stranger was supposed to be but this area was never in the public eye and you could not for your life put it there the public apparently did not want it attacked or if it did there were forces sufficiently x to keep it from obtaining its wishes the police were supposed to extract regular from one and all in this area as in the little paper he ran frequently charged but this paper had no weight the most amazing social led directly to one or another of these houses as i myself had seen but no comment was ever made on the peculiarity of the area as a whole or its in the face of so much moral sentiment the vice never troubled it neither did the papers or the churches or anybody else but when it came to mr weu here was an individual who could be easily and safely attacked and mr had a large following and many whose or led them to look upon him as a personage of great import he was unquestionably a shrewd and able one of the finest i ever saw he would race up and down among the members of his large audience in his church meetings his fat eyelids closed his immense white shirt front shining his dress flying like those of a bustling butler or the while he exclaimed is there any one here by the name of peter f is there any one here by the name of there is an old white bearded man here who says he has something to say to and peter peter your sister says not to marry that everything now troubling yon will soon come out all right he would open these meetings with spiritual of one kind and another and pretend the and when as a matter of fact he was a of the most brazen stamp as afterward showed me by and police reports from other cities he had he k driven from one city to another cities usually very far apart a book about myself that the news of his troubles might not spread too quickly last resting place had been virginia and before tliat he had been in such widely scattered spots as liverpool san new south wales always he had been immensely successful drawing large crowds taking up and doing a private business which must him a tidy sum indeed in private life as i soon found he was a a and a laughing in his sleeve at all his and followers for some time i was unable to gather any evidence that ip him of anything in a direct | 43 |
way once he found the republic to be he became and threatened to assault me if i ever came near him or his place or attempted to write up anything about him which was not true i on the other hand being equally determined to catch him insisted upon my following him up and him my task was not easy i was compelled to hang about his meetings trying to find some one who would tell me something definite against him to his rooms one day when he was absent i managed to meet his landlady who when i told her that i was from the and wanted to know something about mr s visitors his private conduct and so forth asked me to come in at once i something definite and important for i had been there before and had been turned away by this same woman but today for some reason she escorted me very secretly to a room on the second floor where she closed and locked the door and then began a long story concerning the peculiar relations which existed between mr and some of his male and female especially the female ones she finally admitted that she had been watching mr s rooms through a for weeks past there had been various visitors whose and had meant little to her until they became so regular as she said and mr so particularly engaged with them then since mr s fame had been spreading and the republic had begun to attack him she had become most watchful and now as she told me he was carrying on a book about myself most with one and another of his visitors male and female just what these relations were she at first refused to state but when i pointed out to her that unless she could furnish me with other and more convincing proof than her mere word or charge it would all be of small value she sufficiently to fix on one particular woman whose card and a note addressed to mr she had evidently from his room these she produced and turned over to me with a rousing description of the nature of the visits armed with the card and note i immediately proceeded to the west end where i soon found the house of the lady determined to see whether she would admit this soft whether i could make her admit it i was a little uncertain then as to how i was to go about it suppose i should run into the lady s husband i thought or suppose they should come down together when i sent in my or suppose that i charged her with what i knew and she called some one to her aid and had me thrown out or beaten nevertheless i went nervously up the steps and rang the bell whereupon a footman opened the door who is it you wish to i told him have you an appointment with her no but i m from the and you tell her that it is very important for her to see me we have an article about her and a certain mr which we propose to print in the morning and i think she will want to see me about it i stared at him with a great deal of he finally closed the door leaving me outside but soon returned and said you may come in i walked into a large heavily furnished reception room representing the best western taste of the time in which i about thinking how fine it all was and wondering how i was to proceed about all this once she appeared suppose she proved to be a fierce and soul well able to hold her own or suppose there was some mistake about this letter or the statement of the landlady as i was walking up a book about myself and down quite troubled as to just what i should say i heard the of skirts i turned just as a vigorous and well dressed woman of thirty odd swept into the room she was rather smart bronze haired pink not in the least nervous or disturbed you wish to see met ma am about what please i am from the republic i began we have a rather startling story about you and mr it appears that his place has been watched and that you a story about she interrupted with an air of seeming to have no idea of what i was driving at and about a mr you what kind of a story is why do you come to me about it why i don t even know the man oh but i think you do i replied thinking of the letter and card in my pocket as a matter of fact i know that you do at the office right now we have a card and a letter of yours to mr which the republic to publish along with some other matter unless some satisfactory explanation as to why it should not be printed can be made we are conducting a campaign against mr as you probably know i have often thought of this scene as a fine illustration of the rough force of life its queer non moral bluff lies make believe beginning by me of attempted and adding that she would inform her husband and that i must leave the house at once or be thrown out she glared until i replied that i would leave but that i had her letter to mr that there were witnesses who would testify as to what had happened between her and mr and that unless she proceeded to see my city editor at once the whole thing would be written up for the next day s paper then of a sudden she her face her body trembled and she a healthy vigorous woman dropped to her knees before me seized my | 43 |
hands and coat and began pleading with me in an voice a book about myself bat yon wouldn t do that hj social position my children my god yon wouldn t have me driven out of my own home if he came here now oh my god tell me what i am to do tell me that yon won t do anything that the won t give yon anything yon want oh yon couldn t be so heartless maybe i have done wrong but think of what will happen to me if you do this i stared at her in amazement never had i been the of such an astonishing scene on the instant i felt a mingled sense of triumph and extreme pity thoughts as to whether i should tell the what i knew whether if i did it would have the cruelty to expose this woman whether she would or could be made to pay by any one through my mind i was sorry and yet amused always this thought of of which i heard considerable in newspaper work but of which i never had any proof troubled me if i exposed her what would hound if i did not would he discover that i was the news and so e me t pity for her was plainly mingled with a sense of having achieved another newspaper beat now assuredly the could make this individual move on to her i proceeded to make plain that i personally was helpless a mere who of himself could do nothing if she wished she could see mr who could help her if he chose and i gave her his home address knowing that he would not be at his office at this time of day but hoping to see him myself before she did weeping and moaning she upstairs leaving me to make my way out as best i might once out i meditated on this and the hard cold work i was capable of doing surely this was a dreadful thing to have done had i the right was it fair t suppose i had been the victim t still i congratulated myself upon having done a very clever piece of work for which i should be highly the lady must have proceeded at once to my city editor for when i returned to the office he was there he called me to him at once a book about myself great what have you been doing now f of all men i have ever known yon can get me into more trouble in a half hour than any other man could in a year here i was sitting peacefully at home and up comes my wife telling me there s a weeping woman in the parlor who had just driven up to see me down i go and she my hands falls on her knees and begins telling me about some letters we have that her life will be ruined if we publish them do you want to get me for divorce he went on and in his way what the hell are those letters anyhow f where are they what s this story you ve dug up now who is this woman f you re the man i ever saw and he some more i handed over the letter and he proceeded to look it over with considerable as i could see he was pleased beyond measure i told my story and he was intensely interested but seemed to on its character for some time what happened after that between him and the woman i was never able to make out but one thing is sure the story was never published not this incident an hour or two later seeing me enter the office after my dinner he called me in and began you leave this with me now and drop the story for the present there are other ways to get and sure enough in a few days mr suddenly left town it was a curious to me but at least mr was soon gone and but figure it out for yourself two other incidents in connection with my newspaper work at this time threw a clear light on social crimes and which cannot always be discussed or explained one of these related to an old man of about sixty five years of age who was in the coffee and business in one of those old streets which bordered on the one afternoon in mid august when there was little to do in the way of and i was hanging about the office waiting for something to turn up received a message and handed me a slip of paper you go down to this address and see what you can find out there s been a fight or something a crowd has been beating up an old man and the police have arrested him to save him i suppose i took a car and soon reached the scene a decayed and region of small family dwellings now turned into of even a poorer character st louis had what so large a as new york has not or rear to all houses by which trade waste and the like are delivered or removed and facing these were old sheds and of houses and occupied by poor or or both in an old decayed and vacant brick bam in one of these there had been only a few hours before a furious scene although when i arrived it was all over everything was still and peaceful all that i could learn was that several hours before an old man had been found in this bam with a little girl of eight or nine years the child s parents or friends were informed and a chase ensued the criminal had been surrounded by a group of citizens who threatened to kill him then the police arrived and | 43 |
escorted him to the station at north seventh where he was locked up on my arrival at the station however nothing was known a book about myself of this case my noble king knew nothing and when i looked on the which contained a public record of all and charges made and which it was my e as well as that of every other newspaper man to look over there was no evidence of any such having been committed or of any such prisoner having been brought here what became of that attempted assault in k street f i inquired of king who was reading a newspaper i was just over there and they told me the man had been brought here he looked up at me wearily seemingly not interested what it must be down if it came in here what case are ye about maybe it didn t come here i looked at him curiously struck all at once by an air of concealment he was not as friendly as usual that s funny i said i ve just come from there and they told me he was here it would be on the t it t were you here an hour or two ago f for the first time since i had been coming here he grew a bit sure if it s not on there it s not on there and that s all i know if you want to know more than that you ll have to see the captain at thought of the police attempting to conceal a thing like this in the face of my direct knowledge i grew irritable and bold myself where s the captain t i asked he s out now hell be back at four i think i sat down and waited then decided to call up the office for further instructions was in he advised me to call up at the four courts and see if it was recorded which i did but nothing was known when i returned i found the captain in he was a man and had small use for at any time yes yes yes he kept as i asked him about the case well tell you he said after a long pause seeing that i was determined to know he s not here now i let him go no one saw him commit the crime he s an old man with a big business in second street a book about myself never arrested before and he has a wife and grown sons and daughters of course he t to be of that kind still he claims that he wasn t no good can come of it up in the papers now here s his name and address and he opened a small book which he drew out of his pocket and showed me that and no more now you can go and talk to him yourself if you want to but if you take my advice you let him alone i see no good in him down if it s goin to hurt his family but that s as you newspaper men see it i could have with this more if we had not all been suspicious of the police i decided to see this old man myself curiosity and the desire for a good story me i hurried to a car and rode out to the west end where in a well built street and a house of fair proportions i found my man on his front porch no doubt awaiting some such disastrous as this and anxious to keep it from his family the moment he saw me he walked to his gate and stopped me he was tall and with a short round beard and a dull face a kind of smith brothers type apparently he was well into that period where one is supposed to settle down into a serene old age and forget all one ever knew of youth i inquired whether a mr so and so lived there and he replied that he was mr so and so i m from the republic i began and we have a story regarding a charge that has been made against you today in one of the police stations he eyed me with a nervous uncertainty that was almost tremulous he did not seem to be able to speak at first but on something a bit of tobacco possibly not so loud he said come out here i ll give you ten dollars if you won t say anything about this and he began to in one of his waistcoat pockets no no i said with an air of profound virtue i can t take money for anything like that i can t stop anything the paper may want to say you have to see the editor all the while i was thinking how like an old fox he was and a book about myself if one did have the power to suppress a story of this here was a fine opportunity for he might been made to pay a thousand or more at the same time i could not help with him a little considering his age and his unfortunate of late i had been getting a much clearer light on my own character and as well as on those of many others and beginning to see how few there were who could afford to cast the stone of or superior worth nearly all were secretly doing one thing and another which they publicly and which if exposed would cause them to be or punished sex were not as as the majority supposed and perhaps were not to be given too sharp a punishment if strict justice were to be done to all here was i at this moment at the heels of this who had been found out at the same time i cannot say that i | 43 |
noticed at once that he was as if by reason of past of which i had not the slightest idea far more en with the and the captain than i had ever dreamed of being it was here and cap there but what me most was that he gave himself all the airs of a newspaper man about and talking of this that and the other story he had written i having done some of them myself the crowning blow was that he was soon with the captain in his room strolling in and out of that as if it were his private and giving me the impression of being in touch with and deeds of which i was never to have the slightest knowledge this made me apprehensive lest in these tales and mysteries should be unfolded that would have their first light in the pages of the and so leave me to be laughed at as one who could not get the news i watched the more closely than ever before for evidence of such treachery on the part of the police as would result in a for him at the same time my interest in such as might appear the consequence was that on more than one occasion i made good stories out of things which mr had evidently dismissed as worthless and now and then a case into which i had inquired at the appeared in the with details which i had not been able to obtain and concerning which the police had insisted they knew nothing for a long time by dint of energy and a rather plain indication to all concerned that i would not false dealing i managed not only to hold my own but occasionally to give my a good beating as when for one instance a negro girl in one of those crowded was cut almost a book about myself to by an ex l armed with a for reasons as my investigation proved were highly romantic some seven or eight months before this girl and her liad been living together in and the lover who was wildly fond of her became suspicions and finally satisfying himself that she was set a trap to catch ber he was a coal or working now on one boat and now on another the between new and st and one day when she thought he was on a river steamer for a week or two he burst in upon her and found her with another man death would have been ber portion as well as that of her lover had it not been for the interference of friends which permitted the pair to escape the man returned to his task as working his way from one river city to another when he came to new or st louis he disguised himself as a selling and charms and in this capacity walked the crowded negro sections of these cities calling his wares one of these finally brought him to st louis and here on a late august afternoon tip this stifling little alley calling out his charms and he had finally encountered her the girl put her head out of the doorway dropping his tray he drew a and her cheeks and lips arms legs back and sides so that when i arrived at the city hospital she was unconscious and her life of the lover his tray of cheap which was later brought to the and exhibited had made good his escape and was not captured during my stay in st louis at least her present had also gone his way leaving her to suffer alone owing possibly to s of its romance this story received only a scant stick as a low cutting in the while in the republic i had turned it into a negro romance which filled all of a column into it i had tried to put the hot river of the different cities which the lover had visited the crowded negro quarters of new the bold negro life which two such as the false mistress and her a book about myself lover might enjoy i had tried to the sing of the boat the at their lazy labors the idle dreamy character of the slow moving boats even an old negro refrain appropriate to a had been introduced pins ribbons the character of the alley in which it occurred lined with curtain hung and with the idle shuffling negro life of the south appealed to me an old black with a yellow dotted over her head who kept talking of and sam and the girl moved me to a poetic from a crowd of that hung about the of the lovers after the girl had been taken away i picked up the main thread of the story the varying characteristics of the girl and her lover and then having visited the hospital and seen the victim i hurried to the office and endeavored to convince that i had an important story at first he was not inclined to think so negro life being a little too low for local consumption but after i had entered upon some of the details he told me to go ahead i wrote it out as well as i could and it went in on the second page the next day meeting having first examined the to see what had been done there i beamed on him cheerfully and was met with a of rage you think you re a hell of a can a little think ve pulled off swell well say re not near as much as think are wait an see i ve been up against boys like before an i can work all around em all you do is to get a few facts an then em up never get the real stuff never and he snapped his fingers under my nose wait we get a real case | 43 |
s a st louis san time table according to it you can take a local that leaves here at two fifteen and get as far as this place pacific where the express stops it s just possible that the and the other papers haven t got hold of this yet maybe they have but whatever happens we won t get licked and that s the main thing i hurried down to the union station but when i asked for a ticket to pacific the ticket agent asked which are there two sure pacific and st louis san they both go to the same place do a book about myself ye they meet there which train leaves st louis san it s waiting now i hurried to it but the thought of this other road in from pacific troubled me suppose the should be on the other train instead of on this i consulted with the conductor he came for my ticket and was told that pacific was the only place at which these two roads met one going west and the other from there good i thought then he is certain to be on this line but now another thought came to me supposing from other papers were aboard especially the i rose and walked forward to the and there to my great disgust and nervous dissatisfaction was red headed serene a cigar between his teeth low in his seat smoking and reading a paper as calmly as though he were bent upon the most unimportant task in the world how i asked myself the has sent that swine here he is and these country and railroad men will be sure on the instant to make friends with him and do their best to serve him they like that sort of man they may even give him details which they will refuse to give me i shall have to interview my man in front of him and he will get the benefit of all my questions at his request they may even refuse to let me interview him i returned to my seat nervous and much troubled all the more so because i now recalled s threat but i was determined to give him the of his life now we would see whether he could beat me or not not if fair play were exercised of that i felt confident why he could not even write a decent line why should i be afraid of but i was just the same as the dreary local drew near pacific i became more and more nervous when we drew up at the platform i jumped down all alive with the determination not to be i saw leap out and on the instant he me i never saw a face change more quickly from an expression of ease and assurance to one of opposition and distrust a book about myself how he hated me he looked about to see who else might then seeing no one he up to the to see when the train from the west was due i decided not to trail and sought information from the conductor who assured me that the express would probably be on time five minutes later it always stops here does it i inquired anxiously it always stops as we talked came back to the platform and stood looking up the track our train now pulled out and a few minutes later the whistle of the express was heard now for a real contest i thought somewhere in one of those cars would be the surrounded by and my duty was to get to him first to explain who i was and begin my questioning perhaps with the ease with which i should take charge maybe the would not want to talk if so i must make him him or his or both no doubt since i was the better or so i thought i should have to do all the talking and this wretch would make notes or make a deal with the while i was talking in a few moments the train was rolling into the station and then i saw my friend leap aboard and with that iron and which i always hated in him begin to race through the cars i was about to follow him when i saw the conductor stepping down beside me is that train robber ihey are bringing in from bald on here t i m from the republic and i ve been sent out here to interview him you re on the wrong road brother he smiled he s not on here they re bringing him in over the pacific they took him across from bald to and caught the train there but i ll tell you and he consulted his watch you might be able to catch that yet if you run for it it s only across the field here you see that little yellow station over there t well that s the pacific i don t know whether it stops here or not but it may it s due now but sometimes it s a little late you ll have to run for it though you haven t a minute to if a book about myself ton wouldn t fool me a thing like this would you i pleaded not for i know how you feel if you can get on that train you ll find him unless they ve taken him off somewhere else i don t remember if i even stopped to thank him instead of following into the ears i now leaped to the little path which cut across this long field evidently well worn by human feet as i ran i looked back once or twice to see if my enemy was following me but apparently he had not seen me i now looked forward eagerly toward this other station but as i ran | 43 |
i saw the arm which stood at right angles opposite the station lower for a clear track for some train at the same time i a mail bag hanging out on an express arm indicating that whatever this train was it was not going to stop here i turned still uncertain as to whether i had made a mistake in not searching the other train after all supposing the conductor had me supposing the were on there and was already beginning to question him oh lord what a beat and what would happen to me was it another case of three shows and no critic f i up in my running chill beads of sweat bursting through my but as i did so i saw the st louis san train begin to move and from it as if shot out of it leaped ha i thought then the robber is not on there has just discovered it he knows now that he is coming in on this line for i could see him running along the path oh kind heaven if i can beat him to it if i can only get on and leave him behind he has all of a thousand feet stiu to run and i am here desperately i ran into the station thrust my head in at the open office window and called when is this st louis express due now he replied does it stop no it don t stop can it be stopped a book about myself it can you mean that you have no right to i mean i won t stop it even as he said this there came the of a whistle in the distance h lord i thought here it comes and he let me on and will be here any minute for the moment i was even willing that should catch it too if only i could get on think of what would think if i missed it will five dollars stop ity i asked desperately into my pocket no will tent it might he replied stop it i urged and handed over the bill the agent took it a of yellow order which lay before him something on the face of one and ran out to the track at the same time he called to me run on down the track after it she won t stop here she can t on shell go a thousand feet before she can slow up i ran while he stood there holding up this thin sheet of yellow paper as i ran i heard the express rushing up behind me on the instant it was alongside and past its wheels grinding and sparks it was stopping i should get on and oh glory be would not fine i could hear the of the wheels against the as the train came to a full stop now i would make it and what a victory i came up to it and climbed aboard but looking back i saw to my horror that my rival had almost caught up and was now close at hand not a hundred feet behind he had seen the signal had seen me running and instead of running to the station had taken a tack and followed me i saw that he would make the train i tried to signal the agent behind to let the train go but he a book about myself liad already done so the conductor came out on the rear platform and i appealed to him let her go i pleaded let her go it s all right don t that other fellow want to get on he asked curiously no no no don t let him on i pleaded i arranged to stop this train i m from the he s nobody he s no right on here but even as i spoke up came breathless and and crawled eagerly on a of mingled triumph and joy at my discomfiture written all over his face if i had had more courage i would have beaten him off as it was i merely groaned to think that i have done all this for him is that boy he sneered tou think you leave me behind do you t well i you this trip didn and his lip curled i was beaten it was an immensely painful moment for me to lose when i had everything in my own hands my spirits fell so for the moment that i did not even trouble to inquire whether the robber was on the train i in after my rival who had proceeded on his eager way satisfied that i should have to beat him in the quality of the interview chapter following forward through the train i soon discovered the and their prisoner in one of the forward cars the prisoner was a most specimen for so unique a deed short broad shouldered heavy with a dull face blue gray eyes dark brown hair big rough hands just the hands one would expect to find on a railroad or baggage and a and skin he had on the cheap clothes of a a blue shirt gray trousers brown coat and a red handkerchief tied about his neck on his head was a small round brown hat pulled down over his eyes he had the still indifferent expression of a captive bird and when i came up after and sat down he scarcely looked at me or at between him and the car window to foil any attempt at escape in that direction and fastened to him by a pair of was the of the county in which he had been taken a big bland inexperienced creature whose sense of his own importance was plainly by his task facing him was one of the of the road or express company a short like person and opposite them across the aisle sat still another there | 43 |
may have been still others but i failed to inquire i was so at the mere presence of and his cheap and coarse methods of himself into any company and especially one like this that i could scarcely speak what i thought when the utmost would be required to get the true of all this to send a cheap pig like this to thrust himself forward and what might otherwise prove a fine story why if it hadn t been for me and my luck and my money he wouldn t be here a book about myself at all and he was as a the best man of the he had the s habit of an intense interest and enthusiasm which he did not feel his face itself into a cheery smile the while his eyes followed one like those of a attempting all the while to discover whether his assumed friendship was being ac at the value he wished sport he began familiarly in my presence patting the on the knee and fixing him with that gaze that was a great trick you pulled off the papers be crazy to find out how you did it my paper the wants a whole page of it it wants your picture too did you really do it all alone well that what i call swell work eh cap and now he turned his on the county and the other in a moment or two more he was telling the latter what an intimate friend he was of the chief of of st louis and mr so and so the chief of police as well as various other and the dull stuff i thought and this is what he considers place in this world and he wants a whole page for the he d do well if he wrote a paragraph alone still to my intense i could see that he was making not only with the and the but with the himself the latter smiled a raw smile and looked at him as if he might possibly understand such a person s good clothes always looking like new his bright yellow shoes sparkling rings and pins and gaudy tie seemed to impress them all so this was the sort of thing these people liked and they took him for a real newspaper man from a great newspaper indeed the only time that i seemed to obtain the least grip on this situation or to impress myself on the minds of the prisoner and his was when it came to those finer shades of questioning which concerned just why for what reasons he had attempted this deed alone and then i noticed that my was all ears and making copious a book about myself notes he knew enough to take from others what he could not work out for himself in regard to the principal or general points i that my irish friend was as swift at out facts as any one and as eager to know how and why and always to my astonishment and the prisoner as well as the paid more attention to him than to me they turned to him as to a lamp and seemed to be immensely more impressed with him than with me although the main lines of questioning fell to me all at once i found him whispering to one or other of the while i was developing some thought but when i turned up anything new or asked a question he had not thought of he was all ears again and back to resume the questioning on his own account in truth he irritated me and appeared to be intensely happy in doing so my contemptuous looks and remarks did not disturb him in the least by now i was so and enraged that i could think of but one thing that would have really satisfied me and that was to attack him physically and give him a good beating although i seriously questioned whether i could do that he was so cynical and savage however the story was finally extracted and a fine tale it made it appeared that up to seven or eight months preceding the robbery this robber had been first a freight or yard hand on this road later being promoted to the x of superior and assistant freight previous to this he had been a livery stable in the town in which he was eventually taken and before that a farm hand in that neighborhood about a year before the crime this road along with many others had laid off a large number of men including himself and reduced the wages of all others by as much as ten per cent naturally a great deal of labor discontent ensued a number of train charged and traced to dismissed and dissatisfied ex now followed the methods of successful train were so clearly set forth by the newspapers that nearly any one so inclined could follow them among other things while working as a freight had a book about myself beard of the many money made by the express companies and the manner in which they were guarded the pacific for which he worked was a very for money both west and east and bills being in all the while between st louis and tlie east and city and the west and although express messengers even at this time owing to numerous train x which had been in the west lately were always well armed still these had not been without success the death of messengers and even passengers who ventured to protest as well as the fact that much money had recently been stolen and never recovered had not only encouraged the growth of everywhere but had put such an fear into most of the road as well as its passengers who had no occasion for their lives in of the roads that but few even | 43 |
of those especially picked guards ventured to give the battle i myself during the short time i had been in st louis had helped report three such in its vicinity in all of which cases the had escaped but the motives which eventually resulted in the amazing single handed attempt of this particular robber were not so much that he was a discharged and poor railroad hand unable to find any other form of employment as that in his idleness having wandered back to his native region he had fallen in love with a young girl here being hard pressed for cash and unable to make her such presents as he desired he had first begun to think seriously of some method of raising money and later another ex railroad hand showing up and proposing to rob a train he had at first rejected it as not not wishing to tie himself up in a crime especially with others still later his condition becoming more pressing he had begun to think of a train on his own account why alone that was the point we were all most anxious to find out and with all the odds against neither nor myself could induce him to make this point dear although once i raised it we were both most a book about myself eager to solve it didn t he know that he could not expect to overcome engineer and baggage man and to say nothing of the express messenger the conductor and the passengers f yes he knew only he had thought he could do it other so few as three in one case of which be had read had held up large trains why not one t revolver shots fired about a train easily all passengers as well as the apparently it was a life and death job either wi and it would be better for him if he worked it out alone instead of with others often he said other men or they had girls who told on them i looked at him intensely interested and moved to admiration by the sheer animal courage of it all the the or what you will somewhere in this frame and how came he to fix on this particular train t i asked well it was this way every thursday and friday a limited running west at midnight carried larger of money than on other days this was due to being made between eastern and western banks but he did not know that having decided on one of these trains he proceeded by degrees to secure first a small from which he had scraped all evidence of the maker s name then later from other distant places so as to avoid all chance of detection six or seven sticks of giant powder such as farmers use to blow up and still later two holding six each some and cord and cloth out of which he proposed to make bundles of the money placing all this in his bag he eventually visited a small town nearest the spot which because of its loneliness he had fixed on as the ideal place for his crime and then it and its possibilities finally arranged all his plans to a here as he now told us just at the outskirts of this hamlet stood a large water at which this express as well as nearly all other trains stopped for water beyond it about five miles was a wood with a marsh somewhere in its depths an ideal place to bury his quickly the express was due at a book about myself tliis at about one in the morning the nearest town beyond the wood was all of five miles away a mere hamlet like this one his plan was to conceal himself near this and when the train stopped and before it started ag ain to slip in between the engine tender and the front baggage car which was blind at both ends another arrangement carefully executed beforehand was to take his without the and sticks of giant powder which he would carry and place it along the track just opposite that point in the wood where he wished the train to stop here once he had concealed himself between the engine and the baggage car and the train having resumed its journey he would keep watch until the of the engine revealed this bag lying beside the track when he would rise up and compel the engineer to stop the train so far so g d however as it turned out two slight errors one of forgetfulness and one of caused him finally to lose the fruit of his plan on the night in question between eight and nine he arrived on the scene of action and did as he had planned he put the bag in place and the train however on reaching the spot where he felt sure the bag should be he could not see it that he was where he wished to work he rose up covered the two men in the cab drove them before him to the rear of the engine where they were made to it then conducted them to the express car door where he presented them with a stick of giant powder and ordered them to blow it open this they did the messenger within having first refused so to do they were driven into the car and made to blow open the safe throwing out the of bills and coin as he commanded but during this time the danger of either or passengers climbing down from the cars in the rear and coming forward he had fired a few shots toward the passenger calling to imaginary companions to keep watch there at the same time to throw the fear of death into the minds of both engineer and he pre a book about myself tended to be calling to imaginary on | 43 |
the other of the train to keep watch over there don t kill anybody unless you have to boys he had said or that be all right stay over there that side i ll take care of these two and then he would fire a few more shots once the express car door and safe had been blown open and the money handed out he had compelled the engineer and to come down the engine and pull away only after the train had safely disappeared did he venture to gather up the various rolling them in his coat since he had lost his bag and with this over his he had staggered off into the night eventually in concealing it in the swamp and then making off for safety himself the two things which finally caused his discovery were first the loss of the bag which after concealing the money he attempted to find but without success and second and this he did not even know at the time that in the bag which he had lost he had placed some time before and then forgotten apparently a small handkerchief containing the of his love in one comer why he might have wished to carry the handkerchief about with him was enough but why he should have put it into the bag and then forgot it was not clear even to himself the we now learned that the next day at noon the bag was found by other and citizens just where he had placed it and that the handkerchief had given them their first due the wood was searched without success however save that were discovered in various places and measured again meditating on the crime decided that owing to the hard times and the laying off and of some of these might have had a hand in it and so in due time the whereabouts and movements of each and every one of those who had worked for the road were gone into it was finally discovered that this particular ex r had returned to his native town and had been going with a certain girl and was about to be married to her next it a book about myself discovered that her to those on the handkerchief mr was arrested a search of his room made and nearly all of the money recovered being caught with the goods he confessed and here was being hurried to st to be and v we of the press and the law were gathered about liim to make capital of his error the only thing that consoled me however as i rode toward st louis and tried to piece the details of his crime together i as that if i had failed to make it impossible for to get the story at all still when it came to the of it i should unquestionably write a better story for he would have to tell his story to some one else while i should be able to write my own putting in such touches as i chose only one detail remained to be arranged for and that was the matter of a picture why neither nor myself nor the editor of the had thought to include an artist on this edition was more a fault of the time than anything else illustrations for news stories being by no means as numerous as they are today and the having not yet been invented as we louis began to see the import of this very clearly and suddenly began to comment on it saying he guessed we d have to send to the four courts afterward and have one made suddenly his eyes filled with a shrewd cunning and he turned to me and said how would it be old man if we took him up to the office and let the boys make a picture of him your friends wood and then both of us could get one right away i d say take him to the republic only the is much nearer and we have that new machine you know which was true the being very poorly equipped in this respect he added a friendly aside to the effect that of course this depended on whether the prisoner and the officers in charge were willing not on your life i replied suspiciously and not to the anyhow if you want to bring him down a book about myself to the all right well have them make pictures and you can have one but why not the he went on wood and me cord are your friends more n they are mine think of the difference in the distance we want to save time don t we here it is nearly six thirty and by the time we get there and have a picture taken and i get back to the office it ii be half past seven or eight it s all right for you i suppose because you can write faster but look at me i d just as go down there as not but what s the difference t besides the globe s got a much better plant and you know it wood or ll make a fine picture and when we explain to em how it is you ll be sure to get one the same as us just the same picture ain t that all right no it s not i replied and i won t do it that s all it s all right about dick and peter i know what they ll do for me if the paper will let them but i know the paper won t let them and besides you re not going to be able to claim in the morning that this man was brought to the first i know you don t begin to try to put anything over me because i won t stand for it and | 43 |
let him do this to me and tomorrow there be a long in the globe telling a book about myself how this fellow was brought there first and and his picture to prove it i swore and groaned for blocks as i walked towards the y wondering what i should do distinct as was my failure it was so easy even when practically admitting the whole truth to make it seem as though the police had deliberately worked against the republic i did not even have to do that but merely my admitting or upon which would not have believed anyhow on the instant he burst into a great rage against the police department seeing apparently no fault in anything i had done and vengeance they were always doing this they did it to the when he was on the he would get even with them yet rushing a to the jail he had various pictures made all of which appeared with my story but to no purpose the had us beaten although i had over the text given it the finest turns i could still there on the front page of the globe was a large picture of the seated in the of the great d a portion of the figure although not the head of its great chief standing in the background and over it all in extra large type the train robber visits office of globe to pay his respects and underneath in a full account of how he had willingly and gladly come there i suffered not only for days but for weeks and months absolute whenever i thought of i wanted to kill him to think i said to myself that i had thought of the two trains and then run across the meadow and paid the agent for stopping the train which permitted to see the at all and then to be done in this way and what was worse he was so and conscious of having done me when we met on the street one day his lip curled with the old hatred and contempt these swell he sneered these high a book about myself ink i say who got the best of the train robber story and i replied but never mind what i replied no would it chapter things like these taught me not to depend too utterly on my own skill i might propose and believe but there were things above my planning or powers and creatures i might choose to despise were not so helpless after all it fixed my thoughts permanently on the weakness of the human mind as a directing organ one might think till in terms of human ideas but apparently over and above ideas there were forces which or controlled them my own fine contemptuous ideas might be or set at naught by the raw animal or force of a man like during the next few months a number of things happened which seemed to my horizon considerably for one thing my trip to having revived interest in me in the minds of a number of newspaper men there and having seemingly convinced them of my success here i was with letters from one and another wanting to know whether or not they could obtain work here and whether i could and would aid them at the close of the fair in in october hard times were expected in newspaper circles there so many men being released from work i had letters from at least four one of whom was a on by the name of of whom more anon who had attached himself to me largely because i was the stronger and he expected aid of me i have often thought how frequently this has happened to me one of my typical experiences as it is of every one who begins to get along it is so much easier for the strong to the weak than the strong strength we want only those who will swing the before our and desires or was a poor hack who had been connected with a commercial agency where daily reports had to be written out as to the ml a book about myself financial and social condition of john smith the butcher or george jones the baker this led who was a f to begin with to imagine that he could write and that he like to run a country paper only he thought to t some experience in the city first by some process of which i forget the steps he fixed on me and through myself and who was then so friendly to me had secured a on the globe in after i left quickly tired of him and i heard of him next as working for the city press an organization which served all newspapers and paid next to nothing next i heard that he was married having succeeded so well i and still later he began to me with for aid in getting a place in st louis also there were letters from much better men h l afterwards chief press of president an excellent by the name of whom i have previously and a little later john meanwhile in spite of my great failure in connection with my standing with seemed to rise rather than sink believe it or no i became a privileged character about this institution or its city room a singular thing in the newspaper profession because of i was constantly writing for the sunday paper i was taken up by the sporting editor who wanted my occasional help in his work the editor who wanted my help on his dramatic page asking me to see plays from time to time and the managing editor himself a small courteous soft spoken red headed man from city who began to invite me to lunch or dinner and talk to me as though i knew much or ought to about | 43 |
and commanding that little matter of those he began after a pause turning and walking back to his chair i following um um i don t think you understand quite how i felt about that i was sorry to see you go um um and he cleared his throat it was an unfortunate mistake all around i want you to know that i did not blame you so much um i tou might have been relieved of other work i don t want to take you away from any other paper but um i i want you to know that if you are ever free and want to come back you can there is no prejudice in my mind against you i don t know of anything that ever moved me more it was wonderful thrilling i could have cried from sheer delight he my chief saying this to me and after all those wretched hours i what a fool i was i now thought not to have gone to him personally then and asked his consideration however as i saw it it was too late why change now and go back but i was so excited that i could scarcely speak and probably would not have known what to say if i had tried i stood there and finally out i m very sorry mr i didn t mean to do what i did it was a mistake i had that extra and oh that s all right that s all right he insisted and as if he wished to be done with it once and for all no harm done i didn t mind that so much but you needn t have left that s what i wish you to understand you could have stayed if you had wanted to as i viewed it afterward my best opportunity for a secure position in st louis was here if i had only known it or a book about myself knowing had been quick to take advantage of it i mi hate greatly mr s mood was plainly warn toward me he probably looked upon me as a foolish and but fairly capable boy whom it would have been his pleasure to assist in the world he had brought me perhaps he wished me to remain under his eye plainly a word and i could have returned i am sure of it perhaps never to leave as it was however i was so nervous and excited that i took no advantage of it possibly he noticed my embarrassment and was pleased at any rate as i my thanks and gratitude for all he had done for me saying that if i were doing things over i should try to do differently he interrupted me with just a moment it may be that you have some young friend whom you want to help to a position here in st louis if you have send him to me i do anything i can for him i m always glad to do anything i can for young men i smiled and flushed and thanked him but for the life of me i could think of nothing else to say it was so strange so tremendous that this man should want to do anything for me after all the ridiculous things i had done under him that i could only hurry away out of his sight once in the darkness outside i felt better but sad it seemed as if i had made a mistake as if i should have asked him to take me back why he as much as offered to i i said to myself i can go back there any time i wish or hell give me a place for some one else think of it i then he doesn t consider me a fool as i thought he did for days thereafter i went about my work trying to decide whether i should resign from the republic and return to him only now i seemed so very important here to myself at least that it did not seem wise wasn t i getting along f would returning to work under be an advantage i decided not also that i had no real excuse for leaving the at present so i did nothing waiting to be absolutely sure what i wanted to do there was a feeling growing in me at this time that i really did not want to stay in a book about myself st louis at all that perhaps it would be better for me if i should move on elsewhere as i recalled had me to that effect another newspaper man writing from and asking for a place a friend of by the way i recommended him and he was put to on the and so my reputation for influence in local newspaper affairs grew and in the meantime still other things had been happening to me which seemed to my life here and make me almost a in st louis for one thing worrying over the t ell being of my two brothers e and a who were still in and wishing to do something to improve their condition i thought that st louis would be as good a place for them as any in which to try their fortunes anew both had seemed rather unhappy in and since i was getting along here i felt that it would be only decent in me to give them a helping hand if i could the blood tie was rather strong in me then i have always had a weakness for members of our family regardless of their deserts or mine or what i thought they had done to me i had a comfortable floor with ample room for them if i chose to invite them and i thought that my advice and aid and enthusiasm might help them to | 43 |
do better there was in me then and has remained though in a fading form i am sorry to say a sort of home longing the german no doubt which made me look back on everything in connection with our troubled lives with a sadness an ache a desire to remedy or repair if possible some of the ills and pains that had beset us all we had not always been unhappy together what family ever has we had over trivial things but there had been many happy hours and now we were separated and these two brothers were not doing as well as i i say it in faint of all the many hard unkind things i have done in my time that at the thought of the possible misery some of my brothers and sisters might be enduring the from which they might be hopelessly suffering my throat often and my heart ached life so hard on us all on many so terribly what e a book about or a longing for something and not being able to iti it hurt me far more than any lack of my own could it never occurred to me that they might be to help me it was always i hard up or otherwise wishing that i might do something for them and this longing in the face of no complaint on their part and no means on mine ts it into anything much better than wishes and dreams made it all the more painful at times my plan was to bring them here and give them a leisure to look about for some way to better themselves and then well then i should not need to worry about them so much with this in mind i wrote first to e and then a and the former younger and more restless and more attracted to me than any of the others soon came on while a required a little more time to think however in the course of time he too appeared and then we three were in my rooms the of my me five additional dollars here we kept bachelor s hall gay enough while it lasted but more or less clouded ov all the while by their need of finding work i had forgotten or did not know or the fact did not make a sharp impression on me that this was a panic year and that there were hundreds of thousands of men out of work the country over indeed trade was at a or nearly so when i first went on the republic it i had only stopped to remember many were closing down or up men or issuing of their own wherewith to pay them until times should be better and some shops and stores were failing entirely it had been my first experience of a panic and should have made a deep impression on me had i been of a practical turn for one of my earliest had been to visit some of the owners of and stores and shops and ask the cause of their decline and whether better times were in sight occasionally even then i read long in the republic or the on the subject yet i could take no interest in them thej were too heavy as i thought i can remember the gloom hanging over streets and shops and how solemnly some of the a book about myself spoke of the crisis and the hard times yet in store there were to be hard times for a year or more i recall one old man at this time very pro r and stiff and conventional one of onr best business men who had had a large iron factory on the south side for fifty years and who in his old age had to shut down for good being sent out t o interview him i found him after a long search in one of the silent wings of his empty walking about alone examining some machinery which also was stiu i asked him what the trouble was and if he would resume work soon again just say that i m done he replied this panic has finished me i could go on later i suppose but i m too old to begin all over again i haven t any mon now and that s all there is to it i left him meditating over some tool he was trying to in the face of this imagine my inviting my two brothers to this scene and then expecting them to get along in some way persuading them to throw up whatever places or positions they had m yet in so doing i satisfied an or pi longing to have them near me and to do something for them and beyond that i did not think in fact it took me years and years to get one thing straight in my poor brain and that was this that aside from the or practical possibility of one s dreams into reality the less one over them the better here i was now earning the very inadequate of eighteen dollars or it may have been twenty or twenty two for i have a dim recollection of having been given at least one raise in yet with no more practical sense than to undertake a burden which i could not possibly sustain for despite my good intentions i had no wh to sustain my brothers assuming that their efforts proved even temporarily all this dream of doing something for them was based on good will and a totally inadequate income in consequence it could not but fail as it did seeing that st louis a book about myself was far less than it was not growing much and there was an older and much more theory of and in place and type of work than prevailed at that time in the windy city | 43 |
her in my theories and in regard to everything as i see it now this was perhaps my first and easiest attempt at literary expression the form being and yet sufficient to and without difficulty all the and emotions and ideas which had hitherto been locked up in me and steaming to the explosion point indeed the newspaper forms to which i was daily compelled to confine myself offered no outlet and in addition in miss w had found a seemingly sympathetic and understanding soul one which required and inspired all the best that was in me i was now as i told myself on the verge of something wonderful a new life i must work save advance myself and better my condition generally so as to be worthy of her at the very same time i was still able to see beauty in other women and the delights of those who would never be able to be as good as she they might be good enough for me but far beneath her whose eyes were too pure to behold evil a book about myself in the latter part of september she came to st me my first delighted sight of her since we had left at this time i was at the toss of my adventures in st louis i was as i now assumed somebody by now also i had found a new room in the very heart of the city on near the southern and was leading a bachelor existence under truly circumstances this room was on the third floor rear of a building which looked out over some music hall glass roof was just below and from whence nightly and frequently in the afternoon issued all sorts of music hall clatter including music and singing and voices in or dialogue one block south were the southern s and the in the block north were the and dick s old room which by now he had abandoned having in spite of all his fine dreams of a married a girl whom together we had met in the church some months before a rider thereafter he had removed to a flat on the south side an institution which seemed to me but a crude and rather pathetic attempt at worthless i should like to report here that something over a year later this first marriage of his terminated in the death of his wife later some two or three years he indulged in a second most and romance wedding finally on this occasion the daughter of a carpenter and her name and a year or two after this she was burned to death by an oil stove and this was the man who was bent on an in my new room therefore because it was more of a i had already managed to set up a kind of garret which was by dick and peter and a number of other acquaintances no sooner was i settled here than whose affairs i had straightened out by getting him a place on the republic put in an appearance and also john who because of conditions in had come to st louis to be ter his fortunes but more of that later a book about myself in spite of all these friends and labors and attempts at others it was my affair with miss w which now completely engrossed me so seriously had i taken this new adventure to heart that i was scarcely able to eat or sleep once i knew definitely that she was inclined to like me as ber letters proved and the exact day of her arrival had been fixed i walked on air i had not been able to save much money since i had been on the republic possibly a hundred dollars all told and that since my brothers had left but of that i took forty or fifty and bought a new fall suit of a most pronounced if not startling pattern the coat being extra long and of no known relation to any current style an idea of my own to say nothing of such as patent leather shoes ties a new pearl gray hat all purchased in view of this expected visit for her especial although i had little money for what i considered the of courtship boxes dinners and at the best still i hoped to make an impression why shouldn t i being a newspaper man and an ex dramatic editor to say nothing of my rather close friendship with the present critic i could easily obtain tickets although the of my work often prevented as i discovered afterward my accompanying her for more than an hour at a time chapter on the day of her arrival i arrayed myself in my best armed myself with flowers and two tickets for the and made my way out to her s in one of the home streets in the west end i was so fearful that my afternoon should prove a barrier to my seeing her that day that i went to her as early as ten thirty intending to offer her the tickets and arrange to stop for her afterwards at the or failing that to see her for a little while in the evening if my i i was so vain of my standing in her eyes so anxious to make a good impression that i was ashamed to confess that my duties made it difficult for me to see her at all after my free days in i wanted her to think that i was more than a mere a sort of correspondent and feature man which in a way i was only my were determined to keep me for some reason in the ordinary class taking daily as usual instead of my difficulties i made a great show of freedom i found her in a small tree shaded cool | 43 |
shot himself to escape the law but a letter from her and the world was beautiful a negro in an county a girl and i arrived in time to see him but walking in the wood afterward away from the swinging body i thought of her and life contained not a single ill such is if i had been alive before now i was more than alive i all over with longing and to be an editor a a i know not what the simple homes i had dreamed over before as representing all that was charming and soothing and were now twice as attractive love all its possibilities before my eyes a gorgeous fantastic procession level love the charm of a home in which it would find its most appropriate setting the brooding tenderness of it its healing force the blows of ordinary life to be married to have your beloved with you to have a charming home to which to return of an evening or at any hour sick or well i was young in good health and spirits in a few years i should be neither so young nor so vital age would descend cold gray thin this glorious glorious period of love desire would be gone and then ah and then what if i did not achieve now and soon all that i desired in the way of tenderness fortune beauty now when i was young and could enjoy it my chance would once and for all be over i should be helpless would come no more i love would come no more but now now life was sounding singing urging but also it was running away fast and what was i doing about what could i a book about the five which followed were a period of just and mood the richest period of rank i ever at times i could at others sigh the incidents of this period for there is as little in love as there is ont of it at least in my case if i had only known myself i might have seen and that plainly it was not any of the charming conventional things which this girl represented but her charming physical self that i the world as i see it now has itself up too with too many strings of religion it has accepted too many rules all calculated for the guidance of individuals in connection with the and of children the conquest and development of this planet this is all very well for those who are interested in that but what of those who are is it everybody s business to get married and accept all the of conventional society that is bear and rear children according to a given social or religious theory f cannot the world have too much of mere breeding f are two slaves for instance more than one or one more than five hundred million t or is an planet less interesting a conquered isn t the mere contact cf love if it produces ideas experiences even as important as raising a few hundred thousand coal railroad hands or heroes destined to be eventually ground or shot in some contest with or classes t and i am inclined to suspect that the standard to which the world has been much too harshly for a thousand years or more now is entirely wrong i do not believe that it is nature s only or ultimate way of continuing or preserving itself nor am i inclined to accept the belief that it produces the highest type of citizen the ancient world knew little of strict and some countries today are still without it even in our religious or day we are beginning to see less and less of its strict fifty thousand in one state in one year is but a straw it is a product i suspect of or a for individuality what a book about myself i re have is a vast machine for the of people far b the world s need even its capacity to support decently in special cases where the strong find themselves we see more of secret and than is suspected by the dull and the ignorant opportunity love or attraction all this all the churches laws to the contrary notwithstanding love or desire where conditions permit will and does find a way here i was dreaming of all the of which the in connection with home x and the like anxious to put my neck under that yoke when in reality what i really wanted and the only thing that my i and individual disposition would permit was mental and personal freedom i did not really want any such conventional girl at all and if i had clearly what it all meant i might have been only too glad to give her up what i wanted was the joy of possessing her without any of the or binding chains of and but she would none of it this desire added to a huge world sorrow over life itself the richness and promise of the visible scene the sting and urge of its beauty the of our days the uncertainty of our hopes the of our capacity to achieve or where so much is produced an intense ache and urge which endured until i left st louis i was so staggered by the promise and the possibilities of life at the same time growing more and more doubtful of my capacity to achieve anything that i was falling into a profound sadness yet i was only twenty two and between these thoughts would come intense waves of do and dare i was to be all that i fancied achieve all that i dreamed as a contrast to all these thoughts fancies and i indulged in a heavy military coat of the most disturbing length a wide hat southern style | 43 |
gloves a cane soft shirts a most for occasions including those on which i could call upon her or take her to a or i remember one saturday morning when i was on my way to see a book about myself my lady love and had stopped at the to two seats meeting a rather newspaper man i had on the military coat and the hat a pair of bright gloves narrow patent leather shoes a ring a pin a suit brighter than his own a cane and i was carrying a of roses i was about to take a street car out to her not being prosperous enough to hire a carriage well for sake old man what s up he called me by the arm you re not getting married are aw cut the comedy i replied or words to that effect can t a fellow put on any decent clothes in this town without exciting the natives f what s wrong t nothing nothing he replied you swell you got on more dog than ever i see a newspaper man around here pull you must be getting along how are things at the republic anyhow t we now conversed more he touched the coat and with interest felt of the quality of the cloth looked me up and down seemingly with admiration more with amazement shook his head and said some class i must say you re right there sport with the and walked off it was in this style that i my quest for my ordinary day s labor i wore other clothes but sometimes when stealing a march on my city editor saturday or sundays or evenings i had to perform a lightning change act in order to get into my finery pay my visit and still get back to the office between eleven and twelve or before in my ordinary clothes sometimes i changed as many as three times in one afternoon or evening my room being near here this a little later when i was more experienced i aided myself to this speed by wearing all hot the coat and hat an array in which i never presumed to enter the office even my impressive suit and my shoes shirts and ties attracted attention mr my pet office boy at the once remarked to me as i entered in this array you certainly j a book about myself look as though you ought to own the paper i the don t look like you the sporting editor the religious editor the dramatic editor all eyed me with evident curiosity you certainly are laying it on thick these days remarked beaming on me with his one eye as for my lady love well i reached the place where i could hold her hand put my arms about her loss her but never could i induce her to sit upon my lap that was reserved for a much later date chapter l all love contain an element of the i presume but to each how very important i will pass mine over with what i have already said save this that each little in her costume however slight in her or the way she looked or walked amid new surroundings all seemed to re the perfection that i had and was so fortunate as to possess she gave me her photograph which i framed in silver and hung in my room i begged for a lock of her hair and finding a bit of blue ribbon that i knew belonged to her that she would not allow me to visit at where she taught being about this new relationship but nevertheless on several sundays when she was at her home up the state i visited this glorious region by her presence and tried to decide for myself just where she lived and taught her sacred rooms a little later an or state fair was held in the enormous building at and olive streets and here when the were first on and later when the gay veiled began a sort of roman harvest rejoicing winding up with a great parade and ball i saw more of her than ever before it was during this time in a letter that she confessed that she loved me before this however seeing that i made no progress in any other way being allowed no intimacy beyond an occasional stolen kiss i had proposed to her and been accepted with a kind of morbid i had had to ask her in the most definite way and be formally accepted as her husband thereafter i my last cent to purchase a diamond ring at secured through a friend on the and then indeed i felt myself set up in the world as one who was destined to tread the conventional and peaceful ways of the majority a book about myself yet in spite of my profound i was still able to flee beauty in other women and be moved by it the attractions and which draw us away from one and to another are beginning to be more clearly understood in these days and to our more formal notions of and order but even at that time this in myself might have taught me to look with suspicion on my own emotions i think i did imagine that i was a scoundrel in after other women when i was so deeply involved with this one but i told myself that i must be peculiarly afflicted in this way that all men were not so that i myself should and probably would hold myself in check eventually etc all of which merely proves how and non self understanding can be the processes of the human mind not only do we fail to see ourselves as others see us but we have not the faintest conception of ourselves as we really are an incident which might have proved | 43 |
to me how shallow was the depth of my supposed feeling and that it was nothing more than a strong sex desire was this one night about twelve a message to the republic stated that on a branch extension of one of the car lines about seven or eight miles from the city a murder had just been committed three entering a lone owl car which ran from the city to a small village had shot and killed the conductor and fired on the a young girl who had been on board the only passenger had escaped by the front door and had not since been heard of or so the message stated as i happened to be in the office at the time the story was assigned to me by good luck i managed to catch a twelve o clock car and arrived at the end of the line at twelve forty where i learned that the body of the dead man had been transferred to his home at some point farther out and that a of male of the region had already been organized and were now helping the police to search this country round for the when i asked about the girl who had been on board one of the men at the bam exclaimed sure she s a a book about myself wonder you want to tell about her she hunted up a borrowed a horse and everybody along the route she s the one that first the news here was a story indeed midnight a murder dark lonely country a girl from three drunken a horse and tells all the what more could a newspaper man want i was all ears now if she were only good looking i now realized that my first duty was not so much to see the body of the dead man and interview his wife although that was an item not to be neglected or the who had escaped with his life although he was here and told ine all that had happened quite accurately but this girl this heroine who they said was no more than seventeen or eighteen the car in which the murder had been committed was here in the bam the blood of the victim were still to be seen on the i took this car which was now carrying a group of a doctor and some other officials to the dead man s house or to the house of the girl i forget which when i arrived there i discovered that a large comfortable residence some little distance beyond the home of the dead man was the scene of all news and activity for here it was that the body of the conductor had been carried and from here the girl had taken a horse and ridden far and wide to others to her aid when i hurried up to the door she had returned and was holding a sort of the large was crowded and in the under the of a hanging lamp was this maiden rather pretty with her hair brushed straight back from her forehead and her face alight with the intensity of her recent experiences and i drew near and surveyed her over the shoulders of the others as she talked finally getting close enough to engage her in direct conversation as was my duty she was very simple in manner and speech not quite the dashing heroine i had imagined yet attractive enough for my benefit and possibly for the time she all that had befallen her from the time she the car until she had leaped a book about myself from the front step after the shot and hid in the wood finding her way to this house eventually and a horse to others because for one thing there was no here and for another there was no man at home at the time who could have gone for her with a kind of enthusiasm she explained to me that once the shot had been fired and the conductor had fallen face down in the car he had come in to rebuke these boisterous who were addressing bold remarks to her she was cold with fright but that after she had left the car she felt calmer and determined to do something to aid in the capture of the hiding behind bushes she had seen the dash out of the rear door of the car and run back along the track into the darkness and had then hurried in the other direction coming to this house and aid it was a fine story her ride in the darkness and how people rose to come out and help her i made copious notes in my mind took her name and address visited the conductor s wife who was a little distance away and then hurried to the nearest to my news during this conversation with the girl i made an impression on her as we talked i had drawn quite close and my enthusiasm for her deed had drawn forth various smiles and exclamations when i took her address i said i should like to know more of her and she smiled and said well you can see me any time tomorrow this was saturday night the at this time had what it called a reward for heroism to be given to should perform a truly heroic deed during the current year within the city or its immediate thinking over this girl s deed as i went along and wondering how i should proceed in the matter of retaining her interest i thought of this and asked myself why it should not be given to her she was certainly worthy of it plainly she was a hero riding thus in the darkness and in the face of such a crime and good looking too and eighteen after i had reached the and written a most | 43 |
seemed a great adventure to me most daring but i could not quite make up my mind which of the two i preferred just the same they came with me looking on the proceeding as a great and delicious adventure as we came along in the dark after dinner they hung on my arms laughing and at what their parents would think and when we went up the dimly lighted stair an old wide flight they over the fun and mystery of it all the room was nothing much the same old books and other trifles but it seemed to please them greatly what pleased them most was the fact that one could go and come without any attention they about at first and i never having been con a book about myself by just this situation before and being still backward d little or nothing save discuss the one i had most favored the heroine was more retiring than the younger less feverish but still gay i could only be with them from seven to ten thirty but they intimated that they come again when they could stay as late as i chose the suggestion was too obvious and i lost interest soon i told them i had to go back to the office and took them to a car a few days later i took the to at the store where she received it with much pleasure asking where i had been and when she was to see me again i made an appointment for another day which i never kept it meant as i reasoned it out that i should have to go further with her and her sister but not being sufficiently impelled or courageous i dropped the whole matter then because miss w now seemed more significant than ever i returned to her with a fuller devotion than ever before owing to a driving desire to get on to do something to be more than i was and have all the pleasures i at once there now set in a period of mental dissatisfaction and which eventually took me out of st louis and the west and resulted in a period of stress and distress sometimes i really believe that certain lives are to undergo a given group of experiences else why the urge to move and be away which drives some people like the cuts of a aside from the question of salary there was as i see it now little reason for the fierce and pains that assailed me and toward the last even this question of salary was not a for my learning that i was about to leave were quick enough to offer me more money as well as definite advancement by then however my self dissatisfaction had become so great that nothing short of a larger salary and higher position than they could afford to give me would have detained me toward the last i seemed to be by the idea of leaving st louis and going east new or at least other cities east of this one seemed to call me far more than anything the west had to offer chapter l all love contain an element of the ridiculous i presume but to each how very important i will pass mine over with what i have already said save this that each little in her costume however slight in her or the way she looked or walked amid new surroundings all seemed to re the perfection that i had discovered and was so fortunate as to possess she gave me her photograph which i framed in silver and hung in my room i begged for a lock of her hair and finding a bit of blue ribbon that i knew belonged to her that she would not allow me to visit at where she taught being about this new relationship but nevertheless on several sundays when she was at her home up the state i visited this glorious region by her presence and tried to decide for myself just where she lived and taught her sacred rooms a little later an or state fair was held in the enormous building at and olive streets and here when the first on and later when the gay veiled began a sort of roman harvest rejoicing winding up with a great parade and ball i saw more of her than ever before it was during this time in a letter that she confessed that she loved me before this however seeing that i made no progress in any other way being allowed no intimacy beyond an occasional stolen kiss i had proposed to her and been accepted with a kind of morbid i had had to ask her in the most definite way and be formally accepted as her husband thereafter i my last cent to purchase a diamond ring at secured through a friend on the globe and then indeed i felt myself set up in the world as one who was destined to tread the conventional and peaceful ways of the majority a book about myself yet in spite of my profound i was still able to beauty in other women and be moved by it the attractions and which draw us away from one and to another are beginning to be more clearly understood in these days and to our more formal notions of and order but even at that time this in myself might have taught me to look with suspicion on my own emotions i think i did imagine that i was a scoundrel in after other women when i was so deeply in with this one but i told myself that i must be peculiarly in this way that all men were not so that i myself should and probably would hold myself in check eventually etc all of which merely proves how and non self understanding can be the processes of | 43 |
the human mind not only do we fail to see ourselves as others see us but we have not the faintest conception of ourselves as we are an incident which might have proved to me how shallow was the depth of my supposed feeling and that it was nothing more than a strong sex desire was this one night about twelve a message to the republic stated that on a branch extension of one of the car lines about seven or eight miles from the city a had just been committed three entering a lone owl car which ran from the city to a small village had shot and killed the conductor and fired on the a young girl who had been on board the only passenger had escaped by the front door and had not since been heard of or so the message stated as i happened to be in the office at the time the story was assigned to me by good luck i managed to catch a twelve o clock car and arrived at the end of the line at twelve forty where i learned that the body of the dead man had been transferred to his home at some point farther out and that a of male of the region had already been organized and were now helping the police to search this country round for the when i asked about the girl who had been on board one of the men at the bam exclaimed sure she s a chapter l all love contain an element of the i presume but to each how very important i will pass mine over with what i have already said save this that each little in her costume however slight in her or the way she looked or walked amid new all seemed to re the perfection that i had discovered and was so fortunate as to possess she gave me her photograph which i framed in silver and hung in my room i begged for a lock of her hair and finding a bit of blue ribbon that i knew belonged to her that she would not allow me to visit at where she taught being about this new relationship but on several sundays when she was at her home up the state i visited this glorious region by her presence and tried to decide for myself just where she lived and her sacred rooms a little later an or state fair was held in the enormous building at and olive streets and here when the were first on and later when the gay veiled began a sort of roman harvest rejoicing winding up with a great parade and ball i saw more of her than ever before it was during this time in a letter that she confessed that she loved me before this however seeing that i made no progress in any other way being allowed no intimacy beyond an occasional stolen kiss i had proposed to her and been accepted with a kind of morbid i had had to ask her in the most definite way and be formally accepted as her husband thereafter i my last cent to purchase a diamond ring at secured through a friend on the b e and then indeed i felt myself set up in the world as one who was destined to tread the conventional and peaceful ways of the majority a book about myself yet in spite of my profound i was still able to beauty in other women and be moved by it the attractions and which draw us away from one and to another are beginning to be more clearly understood in these days and to our more formal notions of and order but even at that time this in myself might have taught me to look with suspicion on my own emotions i think i did imagine that i was a scoundrel in after other women when i was so deeply involved with this one but i told myself that i must be peculiarly in this way that all men were not so that i myself should and probably would hold myself in check eventually etc all of which merely proves how and non self understanding can be the processes of the human mind not only do we fail to see ourselves as others see us but we have not the faintest conception of ourselves as we really are an incident which might have proved to me how shallow was the depth of my supposed feeling and that it was nothing more than a strong sex desire was this one night about twelve a message to the republic stated that on a branch extension of one of the car lines about seven or eight miles from the city a murder had just been committed three entering a lone car which ran from the city to a small village had shot and killed the conductor and fired on the a young girl who had been on board the only passenger had escaped by the front door and had not since been heard of or so the message stated as i happened to be in the office at the time the story was assigned to me by good luck i managed to catch a twelve o clock car and arrived at the end of the line at twelve forty where i learned that the body of the dead man had been transferred to his home at some point farther out and that a of male of the region had already been organized and were now helping the police to search this country round for the when i asked about the girl who had been on board one of the men at the bam exclaimed sure she s a chapter l all love contain an element of the ridiculous i presume but to each how very important i will pass mine over with what | 43 |
i have already said save this that each little in her costume however slight in her or the way she looked or walked amid new surroundings au seemed to re the perfection that i had discovered and was so fortunate as to possess she gave me her photograph which i framed in silver and hung in my room i begged for a lock of her hair and finding a bit of blue ribbon that i knew belonged to her that she would not allow me to visit at where she taught being about this new relationship but on several sundays when she was at her home up the state i visited this glorious region by her presence and tried to decide for myself just where she and sacred rooms a little later an or state fair was held in the enormous building at and olive streets and here when the were first on and later when the gay veiled began a sort of roman harvest rejoicing winding up with a great parade and ball i saw more of her than ever before it was during this time in a letter that she confessed that she loved me before this however seeing that i made no progress in any other way being allowed no intimacy beyond an occasional stolen kiss i had proposed to her and been accepted with a of morbid i had had to ask her in the most definite way and be formally accepted as her husband thereafter i my last cent to purchase a diamond ring at secured through a friend on the and then indeed i felt myself set up in the world as one who was destined to tread the conventional and peaceful ways of the majority a book about myself yet in spite of my profound i was still able to bee beauty in other women and be moved by it the attractions and which draw us away from one and to another are beginning to be more clearly understood in these days and to our more formal notions of and order but even at that time this in myself might have taught me to look with suspicion on my own emotions i think i did imagine that i was a scoundrel in after other women when i was so deeply involved with this one but i told myself that i must be peculiarly in this way that all men were not so that i myself should and probably would hold myself in check eventually etc all of which merely proves how and non self understanding can be the processes of the human mind not only do we fail to see ourselves as others see us but we have not the faintest conception of ourselves as we really are an incident which might have proved to me how shallow was the depth of my supposed feeling and that it was nothing more than a strong sex desire was this one night about twelve a message to the stated that on a branch extension of one of the car lines about seven or eight miles from the city a murder had just been committed three entering a lone owl car which ran from the city to a small village had shot and killed the conductor and fired on the a young girl who had been on board the only passenger had escaped by the front door and had not since been heard of or so the message stated as i happened to be in the at the time the story was assigned to me by good luck i managed to catch a twelve o clock car and arrived at the end of the line at twelve forty where i learned that the body of the dead man had been transferred to his home at some point farther out and that a of male of the region had already been organized and were now helping the police to search this country round for the when i asked about the girl who had been on board one of the men at the bam exclaimed sure she s a a book about myself for years of appealing to my deepest emotions i felt so sorry for her for life even then it was as if all that had said was really she was different older she might never understand me but this craving for her what to do about all love the passions might cool and die out but how did that help me then the long future before me should i not regret having given her up never to have carried to this delicious fever i thought so for weeks thereafter my were colored by the truth of all john had said she would never give herself to me without marriage and here i was lonely and unable to take her and unable to justify my marriage to her even if i were the of life its and indifference to the moods and of any individual swept over me once more weighing me down far beyond the power of expression i felt like one condemned to carry a cross and very unwilling and unhappy in doing it the painful meetings went on and on i suffered from my desires and my dreams and they were destined never to be fulfilled glorious fruit that hangs upon the vine too long and then another thing that happened at this time and made a great impression tending more firmly than even s remarks to alter my point of view and make me feel that i must leave st louis and go on was the arrival in the city of my brother paul who as the star of a entitled the danger signal now put in an appearance he was one of my four brothers now out in the world making their own way and of them all by far the most successful i had not seen | 43 |
him since my newspaper days in two years before he was then in another play the tin soldier by the his had not been the leading at that time but somehow his skill as a had pushed him into that previously he had leading parts in such middle class plays as a t bell the two and other things of that sort as well as being an end man in several famous a book about myself now in this late november or early december walking along south sixth street in the region of the old where all the standard of the time played i was startled to see his face and name staring at me from a ah i thought my famous brother i l ow these people will know whether our family to anything or not wait they hear he is my brother his picture on the recalled so many pleasant memories of him his visits home his kindness to and intense love for my mother how in my tenth year he had talked of my being a writer heaven only knows why and how once on one of his visits home when i was fourteen he had set me to the task of a humorous essay which he felt sure i could write i willingly and i it but when i chose the ancient topic of the mule and its tendency to kick his face fell and he tried to show me in the way possible how that was and to put me on the track of doing something original now after all this time and scarcely knowing whether or not he knew i was here i was to see him once more to make clear to him my worldly improvement i do not say it to boast but i honestly think there was more joy in the mere thought of seeing him again than there was in showing him off and getting a little personal credit because of his success chapter as i look back my life now i realize clearly that of all the members of our family subsequent to my mother s death the only one who without quite understanding me still with my intellectual and artistic point of view and that most and at times practically was my brother paul despite the fact that all my other brothers were much better able than he to appreciate the kind of thing i was tending toward mentally his was the sympathy that me up i do not think he understood even in later years long after i had written sister for instance what i was driving at his world was that of the popular song the middle class actor or the comedy and such humorous of the writing world as bill y and the authors of the papers and at as far as i could make out and i say this in no lofty spirit he was full of simple middle class romance humor middle class tenderness and middle class all of which i am very free to say i admire after all we cannot all be artists thieves or some of us the large majority have to be just plain middle class and a very comfortable state it is under any decent form of government but there is so very much more to be said of him things which persistently lift him in my memory to a height far more appealing and important than hundreds of greater and fame for my brother was a of so tender and delicate a that to speak of him as a mere middle class artist or middle class and would be to do him a gross injustice and miss the entire significance and of his being his tenderness and sympathy a very human appreciation of the weakness and errors as well as the a book about myself toils and of most of ns was his most and engaging quality and gave him a very definite force and charm admitting that he had an intense possibly an undue fondness for women i have never been able to discover just where the dividing line is to be drawn in such matters a frivolous childish horse play sense of humor at times still he had other qualities that were positively that sunny disposition that vigorous stout body and mind those smiling sweet blue eyes that air of and that was with him nearly all the time even at the most trying times life seemed to in him hope sprang upward like a fountain you felt in him a capacity to do in his limited field an ability to achieve whether he was succeeding at the moment or not never having the least power to interpret anything in a high musical way still he was always full of music of a tender sometimes sad sometimes gay kind the ballad maker of a nation for myself i was always fascinated by this skill of his the art that attempts to interpret sorrow and pleasure in terms of song however humble and on the stage how in a crude way by mere smile and gesture he could make an audience laugh i have seen houses crowded to the ceiling with middle or lower class people shop girls and boys factory hands and the like who at his every move he seemed to a kind of comforting sunshine and humor without a sharp edge or sting satire was entirely beyond him a kind of your true in cap and bells which caused even my morbid soul to by the hour already he was a of a certain type of and tearful yet land sweeping songs the letter that never came the pardon came too late i believe it for my mother told me the let those who wish to know him better read of him in twelve men my brother paid well this was my brother paul the same whom i | 43 |
was in progress but spending all the in paul s or on the back of the stage having overcome his first surprise and possibly dislike of my newspaper manner he was now all smiles and plainly delighted with my friends and peter especially the latter appealing to him as characters not unlike himself individuals whom he could understand and in later years when i was in new york he was always asking after them a book about myself and singing their praises also came in for a share of his warm affection but in a slower way he thought dick amusing but queer like a strange animal of some kind on subsequent which took him to st louis he was always in touch with these three above all things the of s mind moved him immensely peter s personality and daring seemed to paul wonderful boy that he used to say to me almost as though he were confiding a deep secret hear from him yet mark my word you can t lose a kid like that and time proved quite plainly that he was right during the play paul sang one of his own the it was an exceptional comic song quite destructive of the good name of the forever so much so that ten years later the merchants and property owners of that famous to have the name of the street changed on the ground that the involved in the song had destroyed its character as an honest business street forever so much for the import of a silly ballad and the passing song writer what are the really powerful things in this world anyhow f after the show we all to some music hall in the vicinity of this old which dick insisted by reason of its very wretchedness would amuse paul although i am sure it did not he was never a and thence to my room where i had the man who provided the midnight lunch for the workers at the spread a small feast i had no piano but paul sang and peter gave an imitation of a street player who could at one and the same time a drum mouth organ and we had to beat my good brother on the back to keep him from choking but it was during a week of together that the first impressive conversations in regard to new york occurred conversations that finally me with the feeling that i should never be quite satisfied until i had reached there whether this was due to the fact that i now told him my present te or dreams and m a book about what remarkable here or that he was now to the place where he was able to ways and means and at the same time indulge the somewhat streak in himself i do not know bnt during the week he persisted the most descriptions of new york and my duty to go there its import to me and otherwise and finally he convinced me that i should never reach my true stature unless i did other places might be very good he insisted they all had their value but there was only one where one might live in a keen and vigorous way and that was new york it was the city the only city a wonder world in itself it was great wonderful the size the color the the beauty he went on to explain that the west was narrow slow not really alive in new york one might always do think and act more freely than anywhere else the air itself was all really ambitious people people who were destined to do or be anything eventually drifted there newspaper men actors song writers he pointed to himself as a case in point how he had ventured there a doing a and how one harry minor now of antique fame had seized on him carried him along and forwarded him in every way some one was certain to do as much for me for any one of ability in passing he now confided that only recently from having been the star song writer for a new york music he had succeeded with two other men in a music company in which he had a third interest and which was to publish his songs as well as those of others and was pledged to pay him an honest a thing v ch he insisted had not so far been done as well as a full share as partner in addition under the friendly urging of an ambitious manager he was now writing a play to be known as the goods man in which within a year or two be would appear as star also he reminded me that our sister e who had long since moved to new york as early as was now living in west street where she a book about myself be glad to receive me he was always in new york in the summer living with this sister why not come down there next summer when i am there off the road and look it as he talked new york came nearer than ever it had before and i see the light of conviction and enthusiasm in his eye it was plain now that he had seen me again that he wanted me to succeed my friends had already sung my praises to him although he himself could see that i was fast emerging from my too shy youth st louis might be well enough and but new york new york i one who had not seen it but who was eager to see the world could not help but and up his ears it was during this week that i gave the supper previously mentioned and took my to meet my brother i am satisfied that she liked him or was rather amused by him not understanding the least detail of | 43 |
his life or the character of the stage while the sole comment that i could get out of him was that she was charming but that if he were in my place he would not think of marrying yet a statement which had more light thrown on it years later by his persistent indifference to if not dislike of her although he was always too courteous and of others to express himself openly to me all of which is neither here nor there my glorious supper turned out to be somewhat of a failure without knowing it i was trying to elements which would not mix at least not on such a short notice the true and at the same time exclusive of such youths as peter dick and and the rather intellectual of my friends and of the and the utter innocence and of paul himself proved too much the dinner was formal my dear brother was as barren of intellectual interests as a child no current problem such as might have interested these men had the smallest interest for him or had ever been weighed by him he could not discuss them although i fancy if we had turned to prize or heroes or comic characters in general he would have a book about myself done well enough indeed his and their thoughts were so far apart that they found him all but dull on the hand peter dick and finding paul delightful were not in the least interested in the others looking upon them as and of no great import between these groups i was lost not knowing how to them struck all at once by the and of my attempt i could not talk or naturally and the more i tried to bring things round the worse they became finally i was on pins and needles until the whole thing was saved by remembering early that he had something to do at the seizing their opportunity the managing editor and the dramatic editor went with him the others and i now attempted to rally but it was too late a half hour later we broke up and i accompanied my brother to his hotel door he made none but pleasant comments but it was all such a that i could have wept by sunday morning he was gone again and then my life settled into its old routine apparently only it did not now more than ever i felt myself to be a figure in this interesting but local world comfortable enough but with no significant future for me the idea of new york as a great and glowing had taken root some other things tended to move me from st louis only recently who had come to st louis to obtain my aid in securing a place had been on the advantage of being a country editor the ease of the life its security he was out of work and eager to leave the city i think he was convinced that i was in a position to buy a half interest in some fairly successful country paper which i was not while he took the other half interest on time anyway i had been thinking of this as a way of getting out of the horrible grind of only this mood of my brother seemed to reach down to the very depths of my being depths hitherto not by anything and put new york before me as a kind of ultimate certainty i must go there at some time or other meanwhile it might be a good thing a book about myself for me to ran a country paper it might make me some money give me station and confidence at the same time in the face of my growing estimate of myself backed by the of such men as peter and dick who were receiving twice my salary to say nothing of the assurance of my brother that i had that mysterious thing personality i was always cramped for cash and there was no sign on the part of my that i would ever be worth very much more to them toward the very last as i have said they changed but then it was too late i might write and write page every week of all kinds theatrical and sport at times and still after all the evidence that i could be of exceptional service to them twenty two or three dollars was all i could get and my heels was a cheerful comforting soul in the main but a burden it has always been a matter of great interest to me to observe how certain types decide that they are to be aided or strengthened by another and without a by your leave or any other form or courtesy to edge in bring their trunk and make themselves at home although i never really liked very much here he was about worrying about a job or his future living in my room toward the last eating his meals at least his with me and talking about the country the charm ease and profit of a country newspaper i now of all the people in this dusty world i can imagine no one less fitted than myself or in any other way to a paper the intellectual of such a world my own disposition and ideas my contempt for and revolt against the and clock work motions and notions of the average man and woman in six months i should have been arrested or out by the preacher the elders and all the other for miles around let sleeping dogs lie the louder all the better for me anyhow but here i was listening to s silly and a book about myself wondering if a country new er might not offer an escape from the and existence into which i seemed to have fallen from december on this cheerful | 43 |
of about the warmth and intelligence of a bright was telling me daily how wonderful i was and that i ought to get out of here and into something which would really profit me and get me somewhere into the of a country weekly what with my sense of the reasonable or the ridiculous at this time i do not know but i was largely i presume because i was too wandering and to think of anything else to do this cheerful soul finally ended by indicating a paper the weekly something of not near his father s farm see a holiday which according to him was just the thing and should offer a complete solution for all our material and social aspirations in this world by way of this paper or some other of its kind one might rise to any height political or social state or national i might become a state from my county a a or united states when you owned a country paper you were an independent person imagine the editor of a country paper being independent of the of his community not a poor on a ci paper uncertain from week to week whether you were to be retained any longer there were the delights of a country life the sweet simplicity of a country town away from the noise and streets and gaudy shabby of a great city as i listened to the picture of his town his father s farm the cows pigs chickens how we could go there and live for a while my imagination mounted to a heaven of success peace joy in my mind i had already or bought a small vine cottage in grand where according to was a wonderful sparkling to be seen glimmering in the moonlight a railroad which went into within an hour fertile all about both gas and oil recently struck making the a book about myself prosperous and therefore in the mood for a newspaper such as we would imagine sparkling glimmering in the moonlight as a financial of a country paper chapter my thoughts being now turned if vaguely to the idea of rural life and a country newspaper although i did not believe that i could succeed at that i talked and talked to to my future wife to and peter in a way developing all sorts of theories as to the possible future that awaited me to up my faith in myself i tried to make miss w feel that i was a personage and would do great things how nature would ever get on without total blindness or at least immense on the part of its creatures i cannot guess certainly if women in their love period had any more sense than the men they would not be impressed with the dreams of such as myself either they cannot help themselves or they must want to believe nature must want them to believe how the woman who married me could have be i impressed by my faith in myself at this period is beyond my reasoning and yet she was impressed or saw nothing better in store for her than myself that she was so impressed and that i moved by her affection for me or my own desire to possess her was impelled to do something to better my condition was obvious hints thrown out at the office to my in particular that i might leave producing nothing i decided sometime during january and february to take up s proposition although i did not see how other than by gross luck it could come to anything neither of us had any money to speak of and yet we were planning to buy a country newspaper for a few days before starting we this foolish matter and then i sent him to his home town to look over the field there and report which he immediately did writing most glowing accounts of an absolutely worthless country paper there which he was positive we a book about myself for a song and turn into a paying proposition at once i cannot say that i believed this and yet i went because i felt the need of something different and all the time the of that immense physical desire toward my beloved which were there any such thing as in life might have been satisfied without any great blow to society was holding me as by hooks of steel it was this conflict between the need to go and the wish to stay that tortured me yet i went i had the pain of separating from her in this mood that was slipping away that in the uncertainty of all things there might never be a happy to our love and there was not and yet i went i bade her a final farewell the sunday night before my departure i hinted at all sorts of glorious achievements as well as all possible forms of failure lover wise i was impressed with the sterling worth and connections of this girl the homely conventional and surroundings my for her dreams tortured me as i could plainly see she was for life as it had been lived by by those who interpret it as a matter of duty simplicity care and i think she saw before her a modest home in which would be children enough money to clothe them decently enough money to entertain a few friends and eventually to die and be buried on the other hand i was little more than a force with no convictions no definite theories or plans in my sky the latest cloud of thought or plan was the great thing not i but destiny over which i had no control had me in hand i felt or thought i felt the greatest love while within me was a voice which said what a liar what a you will satisfy yourself make your | 43 |
own way as best you can each new day will be a clean slate for you no least picture of the past none at least which might not be quickly wiped away any beautiful woman would satisfy you still i suffered torture for her and myself and left the next day by the the defeated desire for happiness in love my attitude on leaving the was one of complete a book about myself indifference coupled with a kind of satisfaction at the last moment that after having seemed totally indifferent to my worth the city editor the managing editor and even the seemed suddenly to feel that if i be induced to stay i might prove of greater value to them than thus far i had from a cash point of view and so they made a hearty if effort to detain me indeed on i y very sudden announcement only a few days before my departure that i was going my city editor expressed great asked me not to act hastily told me he proposed to speak to the editor in chief but this did not interest me any more i was down on the republic for the way it had treated me why hadn t they done something for me months ago that afternoon as i was leaving the building on an the managing editor caught me and wanted to know of my plans said if i would stay he believed that soon a better place in the department could be made for me already written that i would soon join him however i now felt it impossible not to leave the truth is i really wanted to go and now that i had brought myself to this point i did not want to retreat besides there was a satisfaction in refusing these the editor said that if i were really going the would be glad to give me a general letter of introduction which might stand me in good stead in other cities true enough on the monday on which i left having gone to the office to say farewell i was met by the who handed me a letter of it was of the to whom it might concern variety and related my labors and in no vague words i might have used this letter to advantage in many a strait but never did by some queer of thought i concluded that it was somewhat above my capacity said more for me than i deserved and might secure for me some place which i not fill for over a year i carried it about in my pocket often when i was without a job and with only a few dollars in my pockets and still i did not use it why i have wondered since little as i should understand such a thing in another so little do i now understand this in myself chapter that evening at seven i carried my bags down to the great union station feeling that i was a failure other men had money they need not go the world seeking a career so many youths and maids had all that was needful to their ease and comfort arranged from the beginning they did not need to fret about the making of a bare living the ugly of life which piles comforts in the of some while the smallest of satisfaction from the lips of others was never more apparent to me i was in a black despair and made short work of getting into my berth for a long time i stared at dark fields flashing by by lamps in scattered cottages the gloomy and lonely little towns of and then i slept i was aroused by a ray of sunshine in my eyes i lifted one of my blinds and saw the of northern the brown of last year s crop through the snow commonplace little towns the small brown or red railway stations with the adjoining cattle runs and tall gas well out of dirty soil made me realize that i was approaching the end of my journey i found that i had ample time to dress and breakfast in the adjoining a thing i proposed to do if it proved the last liberal courageous deed of my life for i was not too well provided with cash and was i not leaving civilization though i had but a hundred dollars might not my state soon be much worse i have often smiled since over the awe in which i then held the car its porter conductor and all that went with it to my inexperienced soul it seemed to be the of elegance and grandeur could life offer anything more than the privilege of riding about the world in these palaces f and here was i this sunny winter morning with enough money to indulge in a a book about myself breakfast in one of these grand chambers thou if i kept np this reckless pace there was no telling where i should end i selected a table adjoining one at which sat two who talked of journeys far and wide of large of and and the condition of trade they seemed to me to be among the most fortunate of men high up in the world as positions go able to steer straight and profitable courses for themselves because they had half a spring chicken i had one and coffee and rolls and french potatoes as did they feeling all the while that i was indulging in grandeur at one station at which the train stopped some poor looking farmer boys in and and wrinkled hats looking up at me with interest as i ate i stared down at them hoping that i should be taken for a to whom this was little more than a wearisome commonplace i felt fully capable of playing the part and so gave the boys a cold | 43 |
and glance as much as to say behold i assured myself that the way to establish my true worth was to make every one else feel small by comparison the town of grand lay in the extreme portion of on the a little stream which begins somewhere west of fort and runs to into lake the town was traversed by this one railroad which began at st louis and ended at and consisted of a number of small frame houses and stores with a few brick of one and two stories i had not arranged with that he should meet me at any given time been uncertain as to the time of my departure from st louis and so i had to look him up as i stepped down at the little i noted the small houses with snow covered yards the bare trees and the glimpse of rolling country which i caught through the open spaces between there was the river wide and shallow flowing directly through the heart of the town and tumbling rapidly and over gray stones i was far more concerned as to whether i should sometime be able to write a poem or a story a book about myself about this river than i was to know if a local weekly could here and after the hurry and bustle of st louis the town did not impress me i felt now that i had made a dreadful mistake and wondered why i had been so foolish as to give up the opportunities suggested by my friends on the and my sweetheart when i might have remained and married her under the new conditions proffered me yet i walked on to the main comer and inquired where my friend lived then out a country road indicated to me as leading toward his home i found an old rambling frame house facing the with a lean to and kitchen and a bam twice the size of the house and smaller buildings all resting comfortably on a rise of ground apple and trees surrounded it now in the wind a curl of smoke rose from the lean to and told me where the was as i entered the front gate i felt the joy of a country home it told of simple and plain things food warmth comfort content with routine appeared at the door and greeted me most he introduced me to his family with the of a i met the father a little old dried up man who looked at me over his glasses in a wondering way and rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand i met the mother small middle aged looking as though she had gone through a thousand then i met s wife a dark brown woman and not over intelligent they asked me to make myself at home listened to an account of my experiences in getting there and then volunteered to show me about the place my mind at the thought of such a life as this for myself though i was constantly touched by its charm for others i followed the elder mrs into the lean to and watched her cook went with to the bam to look over the live stock and returned to talk with senior about the prospects of the party in he was much interested in a man named a book about myself breakfast in one of these grand chambers though if i kept up this reckless pace there was no telling where i should end i selected a table adjoining one at which sat two who talked of journeys far and wide of large of and and the condition of trade they seemed to me to be among the most fortunate of men high up in the world as positions go able to steer straight and profitable for themselves because they had half a spring chicken i had one and coffee and rolls and french potatoes as did they feeling all the while that i was indulging in grandeur at one station at which the train stopped some poor looking farmer boys in and and wrinkled hats looking up at me with interest as i ate i stared down at them hoping that i should be taken for a to whom this was little more than a wearisome commonplace i felt fully capable of playing the part and so gave the boys a cold and glance as much as to say behold i assured myself that the way to establish my true worth was to make every one else feel small by comparison the town of grand lay in the extreme portion of on the a little stream which begins somewhere west of fort and runs to into lake the town was traversed by this one railroad which began at st louis and ended at and consisted of a number of small frame houses and stores with a few brick of one and two stories i had not arranged with that he should meet me at any given time been uncertain as to the time of my departure from st louis and so i had to look him up as i stepped down at the little i noted the small houses with snow covered yards the bare trees and the glimpse of rolling country which i caught through the open spaces between there was the river wide and shallow flowing directly through the heart of the town and tumbling rapidly and over gray stones i was far more concerned as to whether i should sometime be able to write a poem or a story a book about myself about this river than i was to know if a local weekly could here and after the hurry and bustle of st louis the town did not impress me i felt now that i had made a dreadful mistake and wondered why i had been so foolish as to give up the opportunities | 43 |
suggested by my friends on the and my sweetheart when i might have remained and married her under the new conditions proffered me yet i walked on to the main comer and inquired where my friend lived then out a country road indicated to me as leading toward his home i found an old rambling frame house facing the river with a lean to and kitchen and a bam twice the size of the house and smaller buildings all resting comfortably on a rise of ground apple and trees surrounded it now in the wind a curl of smoke rose from the lean to and told me where the was as i entered the front gate i felt the joy of a country home it told of simple and plain things food warmth comfort minds content with routine appeared at the door and greeted me most he introduced me to his family with the of a i met the father a little old dried up man who looked at me over his glasses in a wondering way and rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand i met the mother small middle aged looking as though she had gone through a thousand then i met s wife a dark brown woman and not over intelligent they asked me to make myself at home listened to an account of my experiences in getting there and then volunteered to show me about the place my mind at the thought of such a life as this for myself though i was constantly touched by its charm for others i followed the elder mrs into the lean to and watched her cook went with to the bam to look over the live stock and returned to talk with senior about the prospects of the republican party in he was much interested in a man named a book about myself breakfast in one of these grand chambers though if i kept np this reckless pace there was no telling where i should end i selected a table adjoining one at which sat two who talked of journeys far and wide of large of and and the condition of trade they seemed to me to be among the most fortunate of men high up in the world as positions go able to steer straight and profitable courses for themselves because they had half a spring i had one and coffee and rolls and french potatoes as did they feeling all the while that i was indulging in grandeur at one station at which the train stopped some poor looking farmer boys in and and wrinkled hats looking up at me with interest as i ate i stared down at them hoping that i should be taken for a to whom this was little more than a wearisome commonplace i felt fully capable of playing the part and so gave the boys a cold and glance as much as to say behold i assured myself that the way to establish my true worth was to make every one else feel small by comparison the town of grand lay in the extreme portion of on the a little stream which begins somewhere west of fort and runs to into lake the town was traversed by this one railroad which began at st louis and ended at and consisted of a number of small frame houses and stores with a few brick of one and two stories i had not arranged with that he should meet me at any given time been uncertain as to the time of my departure from st louis and so i had to look him up as i stepped down at the little i noted the small houses with snow covered yards the bare trees and the glimpse of rolling country which i caught through the open spaces between there was the river wide and shallow flowing directly through the heart of the town and tumbling rapidly and over gray stones i was far more concerned as to whether i should sometime be able to write a poem or a a book about myself about this river i was to know if a local weekly could here and after the hurry and bustle of st louis the town did not impress me i felt now that i had made a dreadful mistake and wondered why i had been so foolish as to give up the opportunities suggested by my friends on the and my sweetheart when i might have remained and married her under the new conditions proffered me yet i walked on to the main comer and inquired where my friend lived then out a country road indicated to me as leading toward his home i found an old rambling frame house facing the river with a lean to and kitchen and a bam twice the size of the house and smaller buildings all resting comfortably on a rise of ground apple and trees surrounded it now in the wind a curl of smoke rose from the lean to and told me where the was as i entered the front gate i felt the joy of a country home it told of simple and plain things food warmth comfort content with routine appeared at the door and greeted me most he introduced me to his family with the of a i met the father a little old dried up man who looked at me over his glasses in a wondering way and rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand i met the mother small middle aged looking as though she had gone through a thousand then i met s wife a dark brown woman and not over intelligent they asked me to make myself at home listened to an account of my experiences in getting there and then volunteered to show me about the place my mind at the thought of such a life as this for myself though | 43 |
air of a country evil said that he did not see that a local er waa particularly valuable to him he might but it would be more as a favor than anything else i began to sum up the of our position we should be to begin with by a wretched we should be to a company of small lean living narrow men who would take at the least show of individuality and cut us off entirely from support we should have to busy ourselves gathering trivial of news hard working indifferent farmers for small of money and reduce all our thoughts and to the measure of this narrow world i saw myself dying by inches it gave me the youth and hope were calling i don t see this i said to myself it s horrible i should die to i said suppose we give up our for today we might as well he replied there s a paper over at for sale and it s a better paper we might a book about myself go over in a day or two and look at it we might as well go now i agreed and we turned down a street that led to the road meditating i knew nothing of my destiny but i knew that it had little to do with this these great wide fields many of them already sown to wheat under the snow these hundreds of oil or gas well promising a new source of profit to many the and neatly divided farms all appealed to me but this world was not for me i was thinking of something different richer more less worthy possibly more terrible more fruitful for the moods and the emotions what could these bleak fields offer t i thought of st louis the crowded streets the vital offices of the great papers their presses the hotels the the trains what bury myself here t i thought of the east new york possibly at least philadelphia i like the country but it s a hard place to make a living isn t i finally said yes he assented gloomily i ve never been able to get anything out of it but i haven t done very well in the city either i the mood of an easily defeated man i m so used to the noise and bustle of the streets that these fields seem lonely i said yes but you might get over that in time don t you never i thought but did not say so instead i said that s a beautiful sky isn t it f and he looked to where a touch of purple was creeping into the background of red and gold we reached the house at dusk going through the gate i said i don t see how i can go into this with you there isn t enough in it well don t worry about it any more tonight i d rather the girl wouldn t know we ll talk it over in the morning a book about myself indifference coupled with a kind of satisfaction at the last moment that after having seemed previously totally indifferent to my worth the city editor the managing editor and even the seemed suddenly to feel that if i could be induced to stay i might prove of greater value to them than thus far i had from a cash point of view and so they made a hearty if effort to detain me indeed on my very sudden announcement only a few days before my departure that i was going my city editor expressed great regret asked me not to act hastily told me he proposed to to the editor in chief but this did not interest me any more i was down on the for the way it had treated me why hadn t they done something for me months that afternoon as i was leaving the building on an the managing editor caught me and wanted to know of my plans said if i would stay he believed that soon a better place in the department could be made for me having already written that i would soon join him however i now felt it impossible not to leave the truth is i really wanted to go and now that i had brought myself to this point i did not want to retreat besides there was a satisfaction in refusing these the editor said that if i were really going the would be glad to give me a general letter of introduction which might stand me in good stead in other cities true enough on the monday on which i left having gone to the office to say farewell i was met by the who handed me a letter of introduction it was of the to whom it might concern variety and related my labors and in no vague words i might have used this letter to advantage in many a strait but never by some queer of thought i concluded that it was somewhat above my capacity said more for me than i deserved and might secure for me some place which i not fill for over a year i carried it about in my pocket often when i was without a job and with only a few dollars in my pockets and still i did not use it why i have wondered since little as i should understand such a thing in another so little do i now understand this in myself chapter that evening at seven i carried my bags down to the great union station feeling that i was a failure other men had money they need not thus go about the world seeking a career so many youths and maids had all that was needful to their ease and comfort arranged from the beginning they did not need to fret about the making of a | 43 |
bare living the ugly of life which piles comforts in the of some while the smallest of satisfaction from the lips of others was never more apparent to me i was in a black despair and made short work of getting into my berth for a long time i stared at dark fields flashing by by lamps in scattered cottages the gloomy and lonely little towns of and then i slept i was aroused by a ray of sunshine in my eyes i lifted one of my blinds and saw the of northern the brown of last year s crop through the snow commonplace little towns the small brown or red railway stations with the adjoining cattle runs and tall gas well out of dirty soil made me realize that i was approaching the end of my journey i found that i had ample time to dress and breakfast in the adjoining a thing i proposed to do if it proved the last liberal courageous deed of my life for i was not too well provided with cash and was i not leaving civilization though i had but a hundred dollars might not my state soon be much worse f i have often smiled since over the awe in which i then held the car its porter conductor and all that went with it to my inexperienced soul it seemed to be the of elegance and grandeur could life offer anything more than the privilege of riding about the world in these palaces t and here was i this sunny winter morning with enough money to indulge in a a book about myself indifference coupled with a kind of satisfaction at the last moment that after having seemed previously totally indifferent to my worth the city editor the managing editor and even the seemed suddenly to feel that if i could be induced to stay i might prove of greater value to them than thus far i had from a cash point of view and so th made a hearty if effort to detain me indeed on my very sudden announcement only a few days before my departure that i was going my city editor expressed great regret asked me not to act hastily told me he proposed to speak to the editor in chief but this did not interest me any more i was down on the for the way it had treated me why hadn t they done something for me months that afternoon as i was leaving the building on an the managing editor caught me and wanted to know of my plans said if i would stay he believed that soon a better place in the department could be made for me having already written that i would soon join him however i now felt it impossible not to leave the truth is i really wanted to go and now that i had brought myself to this point i did not want to retreat besides there was a satisfaction in refusing these the editor said that if i were really going the would be glad to give me a general letter of introduction which might stand me in good stead in other cities true enough on the monday on which i left having gone to the office to say farewell i was met by the who handed me a letter of introduction it was of the to whom it might concern variety and related my labors and in no vague words i might have used this letter to advantage in many a strait but never did by some queer of thought i concluded that it was somewhat above my capacity said more for me than i deserved and might secure for me some place which i not fill for over a year i carried it about in my pocket often when i was without a job and with only a few dollars in my pockets and still i did not use it why i have often wondered since little as i should understand a thing in another so little do i now understand this in myself chapter that evening at seven i carried my bags down to the great union station feeling that i was a failure other men had money they need not thus go the world seeking a career so many youths and maids had all that was needful to their ease and comfort arranged from the they did not need to fret about the making of a bare living the ugly of life which piles comforts in the of some while the smallest of satisfaction from the lips of others was never more apparent to me i was in a black despair and made short work of getting into my berth for a long time i stared at dark fields flashing by by lamps in scattered cottages the gloomy and lonely little towns of and then i slept i was aroused by a ray of sunshine in my eyes i lifted one of my blinds and saw the of northern the brown of last year s crop through the snow commonplace little towns the small brown or red railway stations with the adjoining cattle runs and tall gas well out of dirty soil made me realize that i was approaching the end of my journey i found that i had ample time to dress and breakfast in the adjoining a thing i proposed to do if it proved the last liberal courageous deed of my life for i was not too well provided with cash and was i not leaving civilization though i had but a hundred dollars might not my state soon be much worse t i have often smiled since over the awe in which i then held the car its porter conductor and all that went with it to my inexperienced soul it seemed to be the of elegance and grandeur could life offer anything more than | 43 |
the privilege of riding about the world in these palaces and here was i this sunny winter morning with enough money to indulge in a a book about myself breakfast in one of these grand chambers if i kept up this reckless pace there was no telling where i should end i selected a table adjoining one at which sat two who talked of journeys far and wide of lai of and and the condition of trade they seemed to me to be among the most fortunate of men high up in the world as positions go able to steer straight and profitable courses for themselves because they had half a spring chicken i had one and coffee and rolls and french potatoes as did they feeling all the while that i was indulging in grandeur at one station at which the train stopped some poor looking farmer boys in and and hats looking up at me with interest as i ate i stared down at them hoping that i should be taken for a to whom this was little more than a commonplace i felt fully capable of playing the part and so gave the boys a cold and glance as much as to say behold i assured myself that the way to establish my true worth was to make every one else feel small by comparison the town of grand lay in the extreme portion of on the a little stream which begins somewhere west of fort and runs to into lake the town was traversed by this one railroad which began at st louis and ended at and consisted of a number of small frame houses and stores with a few brick of one and two stories i had not arranged with that he should meet me at any given time having been uncertain as to the time of my departure from st louis and so i had to look him up as i stepped down at the little i noted the small houses with snow covered yards the bare trees and the glimpse of rolling country which i caught through the open spaces between there was the river wide and shallow flowing directly through the heart of the town and tumbling rapidly and over gray stones i was far more concerned as to whether i should sometime be able to write a poem or a story a book about myself about this river than i was to know if a local weekly could here and after the and bustle of st the town did not impress me i felt now that i had made a dreadful mistake and wondered why i had been so foolish as to give up the opportunities suggested by my friends on the republic and my sweetheart when i might have remained and married her under the new conditions proffered me i walked on to the main comer and inquired where my friend lived then out a country road indicated to me as leading toward his home i found an old rambling frame house facing the river with a lean to and kitchen and a bam twice the size of the house and smaller buildings all resting comfortably on a rise of ground apple and trees surrounded it now in the wind a curl of smoke rose from the lean to and told me where the was as i entered the front gate i felt the joy of a country home it told of simple and plain things food warmth comfort minds content with routine appeared at the door and greeted me most he introduced me to his family with the of a i met the father a little old dried up man who looked at me over his glasses in a wondering way and rubbed his mouth with the back of his hand i met the mother small middle aged looking as though she had gone through a thousand then i met s wife a dark brown woman and not over intelligent they asked me to make myself at home listened to an account of my experiences in getting there and then volunteered to show me about the place my mind at the thought of such a life as this for myself though i was constantly touched by its charm for others i followed the elder mrs into the lean to and watched her cook went with to the bam to look over the live stock and returned to talk with senior about the prospects of the republican party in he was much interested in a man named a book about myself took me to dinner and to do so was compelled to call up wife and say he had to stay in town he had of a poet and i of becoming a before the second day had gone he had shown me a book of and some poems i became of him the of a delightful illusion because he liked me he wanted me to stay on there was no immediate place he said but one might open at any time very little money i could not see my way to that but i did try to get a place on the rival paper that failing he suggested that although i wander on toward and i stand ready to come back if he for me meanwhile we in that wonderful possession intellectual affection i thought him wonderful perfect he thought well i have heard him tell in after years what he thought even now at times he me with eyes chapter whether i should go east or west suddenly became a question with me i had the feeling that i might do better in or some point west of only the of such cities as and those farther east me the cost of reaching them was small and all the while i should be moving toward my brother in new york and so after making inquiry at | 43 |
the office of the bee for a possible opening and finding none and learning from several newspaper men that was not considered a live town i decided to travel eastward and bought a ticket to in sight of the tumbling waves of lake i was taken back in thought to my days in and all those who had already dropped out of my life forever what a queer thing this living was i where should i be tomorrow what doing the next year the year after that should i ever have any money any standing any friends t so i tortured myself arriving in at the dose of a smoky gray afternoon i left my bag at the station and sought a room then walked out to see what i should see i knew no one not a friend an within five hundred miles my sole resource my little skill as a newspaper buying the afternoon and morning papers i examined them with care down their room addresses then me to a small for food the next morning i was up early determined to see as much as i could to visit the offices of the afternoon papers before noon then to look in upon the city of the two or three morning papers the latter proved not very friendly and there appeared to be no opening anywhere but i determined to remain here for a few days studying the city as a city and visiting the same each day or as often as they would a book about myself endure me if nothing came of it within a week and no came from my friend h in calling me back i proposed to move on to which city i had not as yet made up my mind the thing that interested me most about was that it was so raw dark dirty smoky and yet of one thing force semi intelligent force america was then so new in the furnace stage of its existence everything was in the making fortunes art social and commercial life the most impressive things were its rich men their homes clubs office buildings and institutions of commerce and pleasure generally and this was as true of as of any other city in america indeed the thing which held my attention after i had been in a day or two and had established myself in a room in a neighborhood once occupied by the very rich were those great and new in avenue with wide and iron or stone statues of and dogs and deer which were occupied by such rich men as john d tom johnson and henry m only a year or two before had given millions to the almost university of then a small college and was accordingly being hailed as one of the richest men of america he and his and were already casting a over they were all living here iu avenue and i was interested to look up their homes them their wealth of course and wishing that i were famous or a member of a wealthy family and that i might some day meet one of the beautiful girls i thought must be here and have her fall in love with and make me rich physically or or materially there was nothing to see but business a few lai e hotels like those of every american city and these few great houses add a few and commonplace churches all american cities and all tiie inhabitants were busy with but one thing commerce they ate drank and slept trade in my wanderings i found a huge steel works and a world of low smoky pathetic little about it although i was not as yet given to reasoning about a book about myself the profound delusion of equality under this evidence of the little brain toiling for the big one struck me great force and produced a good deal of thought later on the paper with which i was eventually connected was the leader which represented all that was in the local life wandering into its office on the second or third day of my stay i was met at the desk of the city editor by a small bo looking x of a countenance who wanted to know what i was after i told him and he said there was nothing but on hearing of the papers with which i had been connected and the nature of the work i had done he suggested that x i might be able to do something for the sunday edition the sunday editor proved to be a tall melancholy man with sad eyes a sallow face sunken cheeks narrow shoulders and a general air of weariness and depression what is it now you he asked slowly looking up from his desk your city editor suggested that possibly you might have some sunday work for me to do ive had experience in this line in and st louis yes he said not asking me to sit down well now what do you think you could write about this was a being new to the city i had not thought of any particular thing and could not at this moment i told him this there s one thing you might write about if you could did you ever hear of a new style grain boat they are putting on the lakes called back i interrupted back f went on the editor well there s one here now in the harbor it s the first one to come here do you think you could get up something on that i m sure i could i d like to try do you use pictures you might get a or two we could have drawings made from them a book about myself i started for the door eager to be about this when he we don t pay very three dollars a that was but | 43 |
i was filled with the joy of doing something on my way out i stopped at the office and bought a copy of the last sunday issue which proved to be a poor composed of a half dozen articles on local and illustrated with a few crude drawings i read one or two of them and then looked up my boat i found it tied up at a dock adjoining an immense railroad yard and near an imposing grain finding nobody about i out the of the grain who told me that the captain of the boat had gone to the company s local office in a street i hastened to the place and there found a bluff old lake captain in blue short stout ruddy coarse who volunteered almost with a and a ho to tell me something about it i think i ought to know a little something about i sailed the one that was ever sailed out of the im rt of i listened with open ears i caught a story of plans and the pine woods of northern the vast grain business of and other lake ports early on the lakes the theory of a and a back top and all strung together with numerous y sees and so news i made notes on backs of scraps of paper and finally on a furnished me by the generous i carried my notes back to the paper the sunday editor was out i waited patiently until four and then the light fading gave up the idea of going with a to the boat i went to a faded green covered table and began to write my story i had no sooner done a paragraph or two than the sunday editor returned bringing with him an atmosphere of and indifference i went to him to explain what i had done well write it up write it up well see and he turned away to his i labored hard at my story and by seven or eight o clock a book about myself liad ground out two thousand words of description which more of the bluff old captain in it than of the boat the sunday editor took it when i was through and it into a pigeon hole telling me to call in a day or two and he let me know i thought this strange it seemed to me that if i were working for a sunday paper i should work every day i called the next day but mr had not read it the next day he said the story was well enough written though long ton don t want to write so loosely stick to your facts closer this day i a subject of my own the beauty of some of the new but he frowned at this as offering a lot of free to real estate men who ought to be made to pay then i proposed an article on the magnificence of avenue which was turned down as old i then spoke of a great steel works which was but then coming into the city but as this offered great opportunity to all the papers he thought poorly of it he a day or two later by allowing me to write up a chicken farm which lay outside the city of course this made a poor showing for me at the s desk at the end of the second week i was allowed to put in a bill for seven dollars and a half i had not realized that i was wasting so much time i appealed to all the again for a regular staff position but was told there was no opening it began to look as if i should have to leave soon and i wondered where i should go next or both equally near chapter hopeless for me i one day picked up and left then which i reached toward the end of march aside from the falls i found it a little tame ns especial snap to it not as as i had felt to be characteristic of what interest there was for me i provided myself wandering about in odd about grain and soap and railroad yards and districts here as in i could not help but see that in spite of our boasted and equality opportunity there was as much misery and and as little decent of opportunity against energy as anywhere else in the world the little homes the poor little homes with their yards their streets their their ing thin gas lamps the crowds of ragged dirty f or children near at hand was always the and wretched saloon not satisfying a need for pleasure in a decent way but to the lowest and most and most destroying instincts of the lowest and and and while the huge financial and at the top with their lust for power and authority used the very of the weaker for purposes of their own it was the saloon not liquor which brought about the i used to listen as a part of my duties to the of thin blooded thin experienced as well as to those of kept writers about the merits and blessings and opportunities of our noble and land but whenever i encountered such regions as this i knew well enough that there was something wrong with their noble shout as th might there was here displayed before my very eyes ample evidence that somewhere there a book about myself a screw loose in the of man brotherhood of god machinery after i had placed myself in a commonplace neighborhood z ear the business i the newspaper offices their although i had in my pocket that letter from the of the st louis republic my virtues as a and correspondent so truly ab my mood and practical judgment that i did not present it to any one instead i merely into one office | 43 |
after another there were only four ers here convinced before entering that i should not get and i did not one young city editor seeming to take at least an interest in me assured me that if i would remain in for six weeks lie could place me but since i had not enough money to sustain myself so long i decided not to wait ten days spent in these offices daily and i concluded that it was useless to remain longer before i went i determined to see at least one thing more the falls therefore one day i by to and looked at that tumbling flood then not chained or drained by water power i was impressed but not quite so much as i had thought i should be standing out on a rock near the greatest volume of water under a gray sky i was awed by the and then became dizzy and felt as though i were being carried along whether i would or not farther i stared at the water as it gathered force and speed wondering how i should feel if i were in a small and fighting it for my life behind the falls were great and of ice and snow still standing from the cold of weeks before i recalled that a famous french of his day had ten years before these fierce and angry waters below the falls i wondered how he had done it so wildly did they leap huge wheels of water going round and round and leaping and and striking at each other when i returned to i congratulated myself that if i had got nothing out of my visit to at least i had gained this i now decided that would be as good a field any and one morning seeing a sign outside a rate s window reading i bought a ticket returned to my small room to pack my bag and departed i arrived at at six or seven that same evening of all the cities in which i ever worked or lived was the most agreeable perhaps it was due to the fact that my stay included only spring summer and fall or that i found a peculiarly easy newspaper atmosphere or that the city was so different physically from any i had thus far seen but whether owing to one thing or another certainly no other newspaper work i ever did seemed so pleasant no other city more interesting what a city for a to work and dream in i the wonder to me is that it has not produced a score of writers poets painters and instead of well how many and who are i came down to it through the brown blue mountains of western and all day long we had been winding at the base of one or another of them following the bed of a stream or turning out into a broad smooth valley crossing directly at the of it or climbing some low ridge with a puff puff puff and then almost down the other slope i had never before seen any mountains the sight of faced at certain places their little oil and tow tin lamps fastened to their hats their tin on their arms impressed me as something new and faintly of the one or two small coal mines about where i had lived when i was a boy of seven along the way i saw a heavy faced and heavy type of peasant woman with a black or brown or blue or green skirt and a waist of a color a or of still another by a few children of a book about myself equally solid proportions hanging up clothes or doing else about miserable places these were the just then being imported by the large and and steel making of the country to take the place of the restless and less working man and woman i at their and number and assumed american fashion that in their far off and unhappy lands they had heard of the ir american constitution its of life liberty and the pursuit of happiness as well as of the op x afforded by this great land and that they had forsaken their miseries to come all this distance to enjoy these greater blessings i did not then know of the foreign labor agent with his lying among ignorant and often fairly contented painting america as a country rolling in wealth and opportunity and then bringing them here to take the places of more restless and greatly foreigners who having been brought over by the same gay pictures were becoming irritated and demanded more pay i did not then know of the the labor spy the company store five cents an hour for children the company all in full operation at this time all i knew was that there had been a great steel strike in recently that aa well as other steel the for one had built fences and strung them with wire in order to protect themselves against the lawless attacks of lawless i also knew that a large number of state or county or city paid and mounted police and city had been sworn in and set to guarding the company s property and that h c a leading steel manager for mr had been slightly wounded by a named alexander who was these all foreigners of course lawless and of the great and prosperous steel company which was paying them reasonable wages and against which they had no honest complaint our mid western papers up to the day of s a book about myself tion in and for some time after had been fall of the merits of this labor with long and intended in the main to prove that the was not so greatly considering the type of labor he performed and the intelligence he brought to his task that the public | 43 |
was not in the main vastly interested in labor both parties to the dispute being selfish that it would be a severe blow to the prosperity of the country if labor were too long continued that unless labor was reasonable in its demands capital would become and leave the country i had not made up my mind that the argument was all on one side although i knew that the age man in america despite its great and boundless opportunities was about as much put upon and kicked about and as any other this growing labor problem or the general american dissatisfaction with poor returns upon efforts made three years later in the silver campaign and the gold the full dinner was then as a to the vast and the threat to close down and so bring misery to the entire country unless william was elected was also freely posted henry g father most and a score of others were abroad the woes of hundreds of thousands who were supposed to have no woes at that time as i see it now america was just entering upon the most lurid phase of that vast splendid most and most savage period in which the great were and at the of the people and each other those crude which now sit in our threatening its very life with their pretensions and were then in their very beginning john d was still in william h h were still comparatively young and secret agents was still in an iron master and of all his brood of powerful children only had appeared william h and had only recently died was a book about myself and mark was an unknown man in the great struggles of the the companies the gas companies to and tax the people ere still in or just being bom the ire had arrived it is true but not the on every were giants fighting dreaming and yet in there was still something of a singing spirit when i arrived here and came out of the railway station which was directly across the river from the business i was impressed by the huge walls of hills that arose on every hand a great black sheer ridge rising to a height of five or six hundred feet to my right and this river on the bosom of which lay of good size from the station a designed bridge of fair size led to the city beyond and across it in unbroken lines street cars and and of all sizes and descriptions the city itself was already by lights a climbing the hills in every direction and below me as i walked out upon this bridge was an stream the lights from either shore below this was another bridge and another the whole river for a mile or more was suddenly lit to a rosy glow a glow which as i saw upon turning came from the tops of some forty or fifty a deep orange red at the same time an enormous and came from somewhere as though were at work upon i stared and admired i felt that i was truly into a new and strange world i was glad now that i had not found work in or or the city beyond the river proved as interesting as the river cliffs and foi es about the station as i walked along i discovered the name of the street which began at the bridge s end and was lined with buildings of not more than three or four stories although it was one of the principal streets of the business at the bridge head on the city side stood a large smoke colored stone building which later i discovered was the principal hotel the and beyond that was a most attractive and unusual build a book about myself ing i came to a cross street finally fifth l lighted and carrying traffic and tamed into it i found this central region to be most laid oat and did not attempt to solve its mysteries instead i entered a modest in a side street later i hunted up a small hotel where i paid a dollar for a room for the night i retired as to how i should make out here something about the city drew me i wished i might remain for a time the next morning i was np bright and early to look up the morning papers and find out the names of the afternoon papers i found that there were four the and times morning papers and the t u and leader afternoon i thought them most interesting and different from those of other in which i had worked had his right hand while at in mill yesterday john had his right wrist while at work in tiie inch mill yesterday joseph is suffering from wounds of the left wrist received while at work in the inch mill yesterday a train of hot metal being hauled from a mixing house to open hearth no was side by a yard engine near the inch the the of some of t cars and the hot metal in a pool of water along the track and were seriously wounded by uie metal such arrested my attention at once and then such names as hill moon wind gap somehow made me wish to know more of this region the was the times both were evidently with much as to local news i made haste to visit the afternoon newspaper offices only to discover that they were fully equipped with writers i then proceeded in search of a room and finally found one in avenue a curious street that climbed a hill to its top and then stopped here almost at the top of this in an old yellow house the rear rooms of which commanded a long and deep or run i took a room for a week the family of this | 43 |
house rooms to several others clerks a book about myself who looked and proved to be a genial sort holding a kind of on the front steps of an evening i now turned to the morning papers going first to the which had its in a handsome building one of the or three high buildings in the city the city editor me graciously but could promise nothing at the which was published in a three story building at and diamond streets i found a man who expressed more interest he was a slender soft spoken one man on very short acquaintance i found him to be shrewd and gracious always exceedingly and and an excellent judge of news and plainly his job not so much by reason of what he put into his paper as by what he kept out of it he wanted to know where i had worked before i came to whether i had been connected with any paper here whether i had ever done feature stuff i described my experiences as nearly as i could and finally he said that there was nothing now but he was expecting a to occur soon if i could come around in the course of a week or ten days i drooped sadly well then in three or four days he thought he might do something for me the salary would not be more than eighteen the week my spirits fell at that but his manner was so agreeable and his hope for me so keen that i felt greatly encouraged and told him i would wait a few days anyhow my friend in had promised me that he would wire me at the first opening and i was now expecting some word from him this i told to this city editor and he said well you might wait until you hear from him anyhow a thought of my possible lean purse did not seem to to him and i at the casual manner in which he assumed that i wait thereafter i the city and its and to my delight found it to be one of the most curious and fascinating places i had ever seen from a store i first secured a map and figured out the lay of the town at a glance i saw that the greater part of it stretched eastward along the tongue of land that was between the and the and that this was proper across a book about myself the m the north side was the city of an individual but so completely connected as to be identical with it and connected with i by many bridges across the on the south side were various towns mt washington i was interested especially in because of the long and bitter contest between the steel workers and the company which for six months and more in had space on the front page of every newspaper in america having studied my map i going first across the river into here i found a city built about the base of high granite hills or between in hollows called or runs with a street or car line and twisting directly over them a charming park and system had been laid out with the city hall a market and a public library as a the place had dry goods and business houses on another day i crossed to the south side and ascended by an inclined plane such as later i discovered to be one of the features of the called mt washington from the top of which walking along an avenue called view which skirted the brow of the hill i had the finest view of a city i have ever seen in later years i looked down upon new york from the heights of the and the hills of island on rome from the on from san and on and los from the slopes of mt but never anywhere have i seen a scene which impressed me more than this the rugged beauty of the mountains which the city the three rivers that run as threads of bright metal dividing it into three parts the several cities joined as one their streets presenting a pattern here and there by the darkened of churches and the walls of the taller and and office buildings as in most american cities of any size the was just being introduced and being welcomed as full proof of the growth and wealth and force of the city no city was com a book about myself without at least one the more of course the had a better claim to the as a commercial necessity than any other american city that i know tongue of land which lies between the and the very likely not more than two or three square miles in extent is still the natural heart of the commercial life for fifty a hundred miles about here meet the three large rivers all here again the natural runs and of the various hills about as well as the which pursue the banks of the streams and which are the natural or for railroad lines street cars and streets come to a common whether by bridges from the south bank of the or the or along the shores of the or within the city of itself all meet somewhere in this level tongue and here of necessity is the business so without the tall building i cannot see how one tenth of the business which and should be here would ever come about chapter two or three tall buildings the city of was then of a simple and a few blackened a small dark city hall and an old market place a long stretch of blast black as night and the li constructed bridges over the rivers gave it all an airy grace and charm since the houses up here were very simple mostly s cottages and the streets | 43 |
back followed the of hills twisting and winding as they went and providing in consequence the most startling and effective views of green hills and mountains beyond i decided that should i be so fortunate as to secure work i would move over here it would be like living in a mountain resort and most i descended and took a car which followed the to and here for the first time had a view of that enormous steel plant which only recently june to december had played such a great part in the drama of america the details of the quarrel were fairly fresh in my mind how the steel company had planned with the of e scale as an excuse to break the power of the steel workers who were becoming too and who were best organized in their plant and how the the introduction of three hundred guards to protect the plant had attacked them killing several and others and so permitting the introduction of the state which speedily and permanently broke the of the they could only wait then and starve and so they had waited and starved for six months when finally returned to work such of them as would be received when i reached there in april the battle was already fifteen months past but the feeling was still alive i did not a book about then know what it was about this town of that was so but in the six months of my stay here i f that it was a compound of a sense of defeat and sullen despair the men had not forgotten even then the company and had been for months poles to take the places of the whole colonies were already here under the most unsatisfactory conditions and more were coming hence the despair of those who had been defeated along the river for a quarter of a mile or more the huge low length of the great black bottle like affairs with rows of and long low sheds or buildings them sheds from which came a continuous and and the glow of red fire the whole was by a pall of gray smoke even in the bright sunshine above the plant on a slope which rose behind it were a few attractive dwellings about two small the trees of which were for want of air behind and to the sides of these were the of several churches those against failure and despair turning up side streets one found invariably uniform frame houses closely built and by smoke and and below on the behind the mill were so and as to shock me into the belief that i was once more witnessing the lowest phases of the worst i had ever seen the streets were mere where there were trees and there were few they were and their foliage withered by a which was over all though the sun was bright at the top of the hill down here it was gray almost cloudy at best a dull gold haze the place held me until night i about its of which there was a large number most of them idle during the drift of the afternoon the open gates of the mill held my interest also for through them i could see huge engines cars of iron being hauled to and fro and mountains of powdered iron ore and scrap iron piled here and there awaiting the hour of new birth in a book about the when the sun had gone down and i had watched a shift of men coming out with their and coats over their arms and other hundreds entering in a i returned to the city with a sense of the weight and breadth and depth of huge effort here bridges and rail and plate steel were made for all the world but of all these that dwelt and labored here scarce a seemed even to sense a portion of the meaning of all they did i knew that had become a as had and others and that he was beginning to give that had already given several and that their in were even then for the patronage of the government on their terms but the poor in these at what did they know f on another day i the east end of which was the exclusive residence section of the city and a contrast to such and as i had witnessed at and among the across the and below mt washington never in my life neither before nor since in new york or elsewhere was the vast gap which the rich from the poor in america so vividly and brought home to me i had seen on my map a park called and thinking that it might be interesting i made my way out a main called quite i think fifth avenue lined with some of the finest of the city never did the mere of wealth impress me so keenly here were homes of the most imposing character huge tree shaded with immense great stone or iron or hedge fences and formal gardens and walks of a most character it was a region of well well drained and well paved even the street lamps were of a better design than elsewhere so eager was a young and to see that superior living conditions were provided for the rich there were avenues lined with well trees and at every one encountered expensive carriages their horses silver or gold gilt harness their front seats occupied by one or two in livery while was mm or sir a book about myself or both gazing upon the all too comfortable world about them in park was a huge and interesting or garden under glass a most oriental affair given by of the company a large graceful library of white perhaps four or five times the size of the one in given by was in process of | 43 |
construction and he was another of the chief of the possessor of a great house in this region another in new york and still another in scotland a man for whom the and had been killed like huge ribbons of fire these and other names of powerful steel men the seemed to rise and band the sky it seemed astonishing to me that some men could thus rise and about the heavens like while others all could only pick among the of the hot ways below what were these things called and equality about which men t had they any basis in fact there was constant about the equality of opportunity which gave such men as these their chance but i could not help as to the lack of equality of opportunity these men created for others once their equality at the top had made them if equality of opportunity had been so excellent for them why not for others especially those in their immediate true all men had not the brains to seize upon and make use of that which was put before them but again not all men of brains had the blessing of opportunity as had these few men strength as i felt should not be too or too forgetful of the accident or chance by which it had arrived it might do something for the poor pay them decent living wages for instance were these giants planning to subject their sons and daughters to the same equality of opportunity which had confronted them at the start and which they were so eager to recommend to the attention of others not at all in this very neighborhood i passed an exclusive private school for girls with great grounds and a beautiful wall another of equality of opportunity a book about myself on the fourth day of my stay here i called again at the office and was given a position but only after the arrival of a from offering me work at eighteen a week now i had long since passed out of the eighteen dollar stage of and this was by no means a comforting message if i could show it to the city editor i reasoned it would probably hasten his decision to me but also he might consider eighteen dollars as a rate of pay acceptable to me and would offer no more i decided not to use it just then but to go first and see if anything had about in my favor nothing yet he said on seeing me drop around tomorrow or saturday i m sure to know then one way ex the other i went out and in the doorway below stood and meditated what was i to do t if i delayed too long my friend in would not be able to do anything for me and if i showed this message it would fix my salary at a place below that which i felt i deserved i finally hit upon the idea of changing the eighteen to twenty five and went to a telegraph office to find some girl to it for me not seeing a girl i would be willing to approach i worked over it myself carefully and changing until the twenty five while a little forced and looked fairly natural with this in my pocket i returned to the this same afternoon and told the editor with as great an air of assurance as i could achieve that i had just received this message and was a little uncertain as to what to do about it the fact is i said i have started from the west to go east new york is my goal unless i find a good place this side of it but i m up against it now and unless i can do something here i might as well go back there for the present i wouldn t show you this except that i must answer it tonight he read it and looked at me finally he got up told me to wait a minute and went through a door in a minute or two he returned and said well that s all right we can do as well as that anyhow if you want to stay at that rate a book about myself all right i replied as as i when do i around tomorrow at twelve i may not have anything for you but i ll carry you for a day or two until i have i trotted down the steps as fast as my feet would carry me anxious to get out of his sight so that i might congratulate myself freely i hurried to a telegraph office to reject my friend s offer to my cleverness and success i indulged in a good meal at one of the best here i sat and to prepare myself for my work examined that day s as well as the other papers with a view to their method of treating a feature or a striking piece of news also to discover what they considered a feature by nine or ten i had solved that mystery as well as i could and then to quiet my excited nerves i walked about the business section finally crossing to mt washington so as to view the lighted city at night from this great height it was clear up there and a young moon shining and i had the pleasure of looking down upon as wonderful a night as i have ever seen a and fluttering field of diamonds that the sky itself as far as the eye could see were these lamps and and overhead was another field of stars below was that enormous group of with their red tongues waving in the wind far up the where lay and and and other of red fire indicated where huge were blazing and boiling in the night i thought of | 43 |
the nest of i had seen at of those fine houses in the east end and of with his of with his glass how to get up in the world and be somebody was my own thought now and yet i knew that wealth was not for me the best i should ever do was to think and dream standing aloof as a spectator the next day i began work on the and for six months was a part of it beginning with ordinary news but gradually taking up the task of preparing a book myself column features first for the daily and later for tbe sunday issue still later not long before i left i was by way of being an assistant to the dramatic editor and a correspondent what impressed me most was the peculiar character of tht city and the new er world here the more or less nature of its population apart from the steel companies and their and the genial and character of the newspaper men never had i encountered more intelligent or or cynical men than i found here they knew the world and their opportunities for studying public as well as private impulses and desires and them with public and private performances were so great as to make them puzzled if not always accurate of affairs and events one can always talk to a newspaper man i think with the full confidence that one is talking to a man who is at least free of nearly everything in connection with those of justice truth mercy patriotism public profession of all sorts is already and forever gone if they have been in the business for any length of time the is seen by them for what he is a of romance or a looking to profit and of the they know or believe but one thing that he is out for himself a with the moods and passions and ignorance of the public judges are men who have by some chance or other secured good positions and are careful to trim their according to the moods and passions of the strongest in any community or nation in which they chance to be the arts are in the main to be respected when they are not frankly confessed to be in a very little while i came to be on friendly terms the men of this and some other papers men who because of their intimate contact with local political and social conditions were well fitted to me as to the exact and political conditions here two in particular the political and labor men of this paper were most the former a large genial commercial type who might a book about myself liave made an excellent theatrical manager or provided me with a clear insight into the general of local and state politics and i liked him very much the other the labor man was a slow silent dark square shouldered and almost square headed youth who drifted in and out of the he it was who attended when permitted by the working people themselves all labor meetings in the city or elsewhere as far east at times as the hard coal regions about and as he himself told me he was the paper s sole authority for such comments or as it dared to make in connection with the of coal and the manufacture of steel he was an intense with labor but not so much th organized as with workers he believed that labor here had two years before lost a most important battle one which would show in its with money in the future which was true he pretended to know that there was a vast movement on foot among the elements in america to if not utterly destroy organized labor and to that end he assured me once that all the great steel and coal and oil were in a conspiracy to flood the country with cheap foreign labor which they had or were here by all sorts of devices once here these were to be used to break the demand of better paid and more intelligent labor he pretended to know that in the coal and steel regions thousands had already been introduced and more were on their way and that all such devices as churches and schools for etc were used to keep ignorant and tame those already here but you can t say anything about it in he said to me if i should talk i d have to get out of here the papers here won t use a thing to the in any of these fields i write all sorts of things but they never get in he read the record daily as well as various radical papers from different parts of the country and was constantly calling my attention to and incidents a book about myself which proved that the was being most put upon and but he never did it in any urgent or disturbed manner he seemed to be profoundly that the cause of the workers everywhere in america was hopeless they hadn t the and the force and the innate cruelty of those who ruled them they were to religious and illusions the school and church paper which left them helpless in the course of time because i expressed interest in and sympathy for these people he took me into various mill in and near the to see how they lived chapter i went with him first to then to some there later to some other mill districts nearer the name of which i have forgotten what astonished me in so far as the steel mills were concerned was the large number of going at once the piles mountains of powdered iron ore ready to be the long lines of cars flat box and coal cars and the nature and size and force of the machinery used to roll steel the work | 43 |
being with immense were crowded with art and historic their children were being sent to special ts be how to be ladies and gentlemen in a which they and on the other hand these men were being denied an additional five or ten cents as hour and the right to if they protested or attempted to drive out imported strike they were fired and state or troops were called in to protect the could not then and they are not organized now my friend who was sympathetic toward them was still more toward the men who were not so mere day who received from one dollar to five at a time when two a day was too little t support any one he grew as he told me where these men lived and how they lived and finally took me ia order that i might see for myself afterward in the of my work i came ui on some of these and individuals and since they are all a part of the great fortune building era and illustrate how works in america and how some great fortunes were i propose to put down here a few pictures of things that i saw wages varied from one to one sixty five a day for the commonest three and even four a day for the skilled or what the cheaper workers who constituted by far the greater number were able to pay varied from per week or per month to four seventy two per week or twenty per month and the type of places they could secure for this i recall visiting a two room in a court the character of which first opened my eyes to the of home these endured this court consisted of four sides with an open space in the three of these sides were smoke wooden houses three stories in height the fourth was an ancient and wooden stable where the horses of a were kept in the of this court stood a circular wooden building or with ten each opening into one or near a book about myself was one the only water supply for all these or rooms these two served twenty f negro of from to five people each living in the sixty three rooms which made up the three sides above mentioned there were seven children in these rooms for whom this court was their only for twenty this was the only place where they could string their wash lines for twenty tired husbands this was aside from the saloon the only near and and companionship here of a summer night after playing cards and drinking beer they would frequently stretch themselves to sleep but this was not all as waste pipes were wanting in the houses heavy of water had to be carried in and out and this in a smoky town where a double amount of washing and cleaning was necessary when the weather permitted the heavy were done in the yard then the pavement of this court covered with clothes and pools of water made a poor for children in addition to this these must be used and in consequence a situation was created which may be better imagined than explained many of the front windows of these apartments looked down on this which was only a few yards from the kitchen windows creating a neat and condition while usually only two families used one of these in some other courts three or four families were compelled to use one giving rise to indifference and a sense of for their condition while all the streets had and by these outside must be connected with them still most of them were flushed only by waste water which flowed directly into them from the yard when conditions became the were washed out with a attached to the but in winter when there was danger of this was not always possible there was not one closet in any of these courts but to return to the apartment in question the kitchen a book about myself was steaming with from a big set on a in the middle of the room the mother who had carried tlie water in was trying to wash and at the same time keep tiie older of her two babies from tumbling into the tub of water that was standing on the floor on one side of the room was a bed with one feather to sleep on and another for covering near the window was a in a comer a and of course there was the inevitable upon which was a ix t of soup to the left in the second room were one and the man of the house asleep two so i learned were at work but at night would be home to sleep in the bed now occupied by one and the man of the house the little family and their taken to help out on the rent worked and lived so in order that mr might give the world one or two extra with his name on the front and mr a mansion on fifth avenue it was to and his interest that i owed still other views he took me one day to a in which lived twenty four people all in two rooms and yet to my astonishment and confusion it was not so bad as that other court so great apparently is the value of intimate human contact of the very poor day as explained to me who were young and unmarried cared how they lived so long as they lived and could save a little this particular in was in a court such as i have described and consisted of two rooms one above the other each measuring perhaps x in the kitchen at the time was the wife of the boarding cooking dinner along one side of the room was an covered table with a plank bench on each | 43 |
side above it was a holding a long row of white cups and a shelf with tin knives and forks near the up to date range the only real piece of furniture in the room hung the in which all mill carried their noon or midnight meals a crowd of men were lounging cheerfully about talking smoking and enjoying life one of them playing a they were making the most of a brief spell before their meal and departure for work a book about myself in the room above as the landlord cheerfully showed us were double iron set close together and on them neatly laid in these two rooms lived besides the boarding and his e both and their two babies twenty men they were those who handled steel and bars and loaded trains worked in filled steel with stock and what not they all worked twelve hours a day and their reward was this and what they could save over and above it out of nine sixty per week said a good thing about them at the time i don t know how it is i know these people are and the mill owners pay them the lowest wages the these as well as their and the community which they make by their work don t give a damn for them and yet they are happy and be hanged if they don t make me happy it must be that just work is happiness and i agreed with him plenty of work something to do the ability to avoid the of idleness and useless pensive futile thought there was another side that i thought was a part of all this and that was the vice situation there were so many girls who walked the streets here and back of the and buildings as well as in the streets ranged along the below water first and second were many houses of as large and flourishing an area as i had seen in any city as i learned from the political and police man the police here as elsewhere protected vice or in other words upon it chapter in the meantime i was going about my general work and an ea task it proved my city editor cool soul soon instructed me as to the value of news and its here we don t touch on labor except through our labor man he told me and he knows what to say there s nothing to be said about the rich or religious in a sense they re all right in so far as we know we don t touch on in high life the big steel men here just about own the place so we can t some papers out west and down in new york go in for but we don t i d rather have some simple little feature any time a story about some old fellow with habits than any of these or of course we do cover them when we have to but we have to be mighty careful what we say so much for a free press in a d and i found that the city itself by reason of the recent defeat administered to organized labor and the soft of the newspapers presented a most and aspect there was little local news a wedding or death in high society a in a saloon the of a steel plant the visit of a or the remarks of some local provided the on which the local readers were fed sometimes an outside event such as the organization by general of of his army at that time moving washington to petition against the doings of the or the and impossible doings of opposition president to the dominant party of the state or the manner in which the party of this region was attempting to steal an or share in the spoils these and the grand comments of gentlemen in financial positions here and elsewhere as to the outlook for a book about myself in the nation or the steel mills or the coal fields occupied the best places in the newspapers for a great as daring and restless as this it seemed that it could be so or say so little the colossal the men at the top but when it came to labor or the their restlessness or demands or the views of a third rate preacher complaining of in dress or morals or an actor his views on art or a on some unimportant phase of our life it was a very different matter these papers were then free enough to say their say i recall that thomas b reed then speaker of the house once passed through the city and stopped off to visit some friendly steel i was sent to interview him and obtain his views as to general s army a band of poor mistaken who imagined that by marching to washington and protesting to they could compel a american and house to take of their woes this able and he was no fool being at the time in the and favor of the money power and looked upon as the probable republican pretended to me to believe that a vast national menace lay in such a movement and protest why it s the same as revolution i he washing his face in his at the his swaying loosely about his fat it s an unheard of proceeding for a hundred years the american people have had a fixed and constitutional and method of they have their county and state and national and their power of to the same they can write any plank they wish into any party platform and compel its by their now comes along a man who finds something that doesn t just suit his views and instead of waiting and appealing to the regular party he an army and proceeds to march on | 43 |
washington but he has been able to muster only three or four hun a book about men all told i suggested mildly he doesn t to be many followers the of his followers isn t the point he if one man can gather an army of ave hundred another gather an army of tea or five hundred thousand that revolution yes i ventured but what about the thing of they are it doesn t matter what their grievance is he said somewhat this is a government of law and political our people must abide by that i was ready to agree only i was thinking of the easy ner in which and elected representatives everywhere were the interests if not the of the body at large and listening to the advice and needs of and trust already the air was full of complaints against and of every kind were being organized and the people were being accordingly all property however come by was sacred in america the least protest of the mass anywhere was or at least the of worthless and never to be i not believe i firmly believed then as i do now that the chains wherewith a rapidly developing financial or meant to bind a liberty mass were then and there being i felt then as i do now that the people of that day should have been more alive to their interests th they should have compelled at washington or elsewhere bj political means if possible by dire and threatening if necessary a more careful concern for their interests than any or or governor or president at that time or since was giving them as i talked to this noble of the house my heart was full of these sentiments only i did not deem it of any avail to argue with him i was a mere and he was the speaker of the house of representatives but i had a keen contempt for the enthusiasm he manifested for law when it came to what the money wished the and trust organ a book about myself hiding behind a huge and wall he t as one of their chief guards and political and if you doubt it look up his record but it was owing to this very careful interpretation of tv hat was and what was not news that i experienced some of the most delightful newspaper hours of my life large being scarce i was assigned to do city hall and police as the book used to read and with this mild task ahead of me i was in the habit of crossing the river into the city of where in a chair in the room of the combined city hall and central police station or in the public library over the way or in the cool central shaded court of the general hospital with the head of which i soon made friends i waited for something to turn up as is usual with all city and police and hospital officials everywhere the hope of favorable and often them i was received most cordially all i had to do was to announce that i was from the and assigned to this and i was informed as to anything of importance that had come to the surface during the last ten or twelve hours if there was nothing and usually there was not i sat about with several other or with the head of the hospital or having no especial inquiry to make i crossed the street to squire whose office was in the tree shaded square facing this and here a squire being the equivalent of a petty police magistrate inquired if anything had come to his notice squire a large bald pink faced individual of three used of a sunny afternoon these warm spring days to sit out in front of his office his chair against his office wall or a tree and with three or four the most delicious stories of old time political characters and incidents he was a mine of this sort of thing and an immense favorite in consequence with all the newspaper men and i was introduced to him on my third or fourth day in as he was sitting out on his chair and he surveyed me with a smile a book about myself from the well take a chair if you find one if yon can on the or in the many s tiie man i seen from the in my time harry used to come here before he got to be city editor so did your sunday man there ain t much news i can give you but whatever there is you re welcome to it i always treat all the boys alike and he smiled then he proceeded with his tale something about aa old or who had painted a pig once in order to bring it up to certain prize and so won the prize only to be found out later because the wore off he had such a way of telling stories as to compel laughter and then directly across the street to the east from the city hall was the library a very building which contained in addition to the library an in which had been placed the usual one of the largest if not the largest pipe organ in the world organ had one it was supplied with a paid city who on sundays and entertained the public with free and so capable waa he that seats were at a and standing room only the rule unless one arrived far ahead of time this of interest on the part of the public pleased me greatly and somehow qualified if it did not for mr s indifference to the welfare of his but i was most impressed with the forty or fifty thousand volumes so conveniently arranged that one could walk from to looking at the and satisfying one | 43 |
in newspaper work and yet i knew what i wanted to do if not that one thing is sure i had no commercial sense whereby i might have br all this after the second or third sketch had been published there was a decided list in my direction and i might have my success instead i merely and dreamed as before reading at the library going out on or writing one of these sketches and then going home again or to the press club i gathered all sorts of as to the steel and especially their homes their clubs their local and the people of were looked upon as by some of these and their on returning from the or the mountains partook of the nature of a royal return i remember being sent once to the club to interview fresh from his travels abroad and being received by a secretary who allowed me to stand in the back of a room in which mr short a grand air of authority him was addressing the of the city on the subject of america and its political needs no note taking was permitted but i was later handed a address to the people of and told that the would be allowed to publish that and it did i smiled then and i smile now at the attitude of press pulpit o of this amazing city of steel and iron where and all seemed so and boot and yet a book about myself seemed not to profit to any great degree by the presence of these who were constantly at removing elsewhere unless they were treated thus and so as though the of a great and metropolis depended on them alone chapter it was about this time that i began to establish cordial relations with the short broad shouldered sad faced labor whom i have previously mentioned at first he appeared to be a little shy of me but as time passed and i seemed to have established myself in the favor of the paper he became more friendly he was really a radical at heart but did not dare let it be known here often of a morning he would spend as much as two hours with me discussing the nature of coal and steel making the difficulty of arranging conditions which would satisfy all the men and not cause but in the main he commented on the shrewd and cunning way in which the were more and more their upon their prejudices by religious and political and at the same time them through the company store the short ton the cost of materials rent at knowing nothing about the situation i was inclined to doubt whether he was as sound in these matters as he seemed to be later as i grew in personal knowledge i thought he might be too so painful did many of the things seem which i saw with my own eyes and his aid about this time several things to stir up my feelings in regard to new york the papers gave great space to new york events and affairs much more than did most of the mid western papers there was a steel colony here which was trying to connect itself with the so called pour hundred of new york as weu as the royal social atmosphere of england and france and the and and doings of these people at new york bar harbor london and paris were fully occasionally i was sent to one or another of these great homes a book about myself to ask about the details of certain marriages or proposed and would find the people in the midst of the most luxurious preparations one night for instance i was sent to ask a certain steel man about the or extension of work in one of the mills his house was but a dot on a estate the reaching of which was very difficult i found him about ten o clock at night stepping into a carriage to be driven to the local station which was at the foot of the grounds although i was going to the same station in order to catch a local back to the city he did not ask me to accompany him instead he paused on the step of his carriage to say that he could not say definitely whether the work would be done or not he was entirely surrounded by bags a gun a fishing basket and other after which of course a servant was looking when he was gone i walked along the same road to the same station and saw him standing there another man came up and greeted him going down to new york he inquired no to the my lodge man tells me ducks are plentiful there now and i thought i d run down and get a few the through train which had been ordered to stop for him rolled in and he was gone i waited for my smoky local at the comfort and ease which had been already attained by a man of not more than forty five years of age but there were other things which seemed always to talk to me of new york new york i picked up a new weekly the one evening and found a theatrical paper of the most and character which pretended to report with accuracy all the of the stage the clubs the or white light districts as well as society of the and more character this paper spoke only of pleasure parties midnight dances scenes behind the stage and of young stars of the theatrical social and money worlds here were ease and luxury in new york plainly was all this and i might go there and by some of chance taste of it i studied this paper by the hour dreaming of all it suggested a book about myself and there was | 43 |
the first and most of all the ten cent magazines then coming into existence and being fed to the public by the ton i saw it first piled in before a news and book store in the of the pile of magazines and the price induced a examination although i had never even heard of it before poor as it was and it was poor it contained an entire section of highly er devoted to the stage and scenes from plays and still another carrying pictures of beauties in society in different cities and still another devoted to successful men in wall street it breathed mostly of new york its social doings its art and literary colonies it fired me with an ambition to see new york a third paper town topics was the best of all a paper most brilliantly by a man of exceptional skill c m s it related to exclusive society in new york london and paris the houses palaces and hotels the and of the owners and although it really fun at all this and other forms of existence elsewhere still there was an element of envy and t in it also which fitted my mood it gave one the that there existed in new york and elsewhere london principally a kind of realm in which forever the elect of fortune here was neither want nor care how i over all this the es and of marriages the travels engagements such as a of subsequently succeeded in to the entertainment and disturbance of rural america for me this realm was all flowers sunshine smart ease comfort beauty arrayed as only enchantment or a modem newspaper sunday can array it and while i knew that back of it must be the hard and realities such as hold and life still i didn t know in reading these papers i refused to allow myself to cut through to the reality life must hold some such realm as this and i belonged to it but i was already twenty three and what had i accomplished y i wished most of all now to go to new york a book about myself and enter the realm pictured by these papers why i might bag an or capture fortune in some other way i must save some money i told myself then fortified against starvation at least i might the great city and who knows t perhaps conquer s had seemed to do so why not if it is written of the ood of china that in the beginning it swallowed the world and to cap it all about this time i had a letter from my good brother in which he asked me how long i would be about the west when i ought to be in new york i should come this summer when new york was at its best he would show me beach a dozen worlds he would introduce me to some new york newspaper men who would introduce me to the of the world and the sun the mere mention of these papers so was i by the of and frightened me i ought to be on a paper like the he said since to him was the greatest editor in new york i meditated over this deciding that i would go when i had more money i then and there started a bank account putting in as much as ten or twelve dollars each week and in a month or two began to feel that sense of security which a little money gives one another thing which had a strange effect on me at the time as indeed it appeared to have on most of the of america was the publication in s this spring and summer of george du s i have often doubted the import of novel writing in general but the effect of that particular work on me as well as on others one might as well doubt the import of power or fame or emotion of any kind the effect of this book was not so much one of great reality and insight such as at times managed to convey but rather of an mood or perfume of memory and romance conveyed by some one who is in love with that memory and upon it as do upon a theme i saw paris and and the jew with his eyes being a book about myself and carried away from little seemed to me then of the essence of great tragedy i myself fairly suffered about and dreaming the while i awaited the one or two final portions i was lost in the beauty of paris the delight of life and resented more than ever as one might great the need of living in a land where was nothing but work and yet america and this city were fascinating plough to me but because of the influence of foreign letters on american life it seemed that paris and london must be so much better since every one wrote about them like s man from the provinces this book seemed to connect itself with my own life and the tragedy of not having the means to marry at this time and of being compelled to wander about in this way unable to support a wife at last i became so wrought up that i was quite beside myself i pictured myself as a little who would eventually lose by poverty as he by the thing i most my western sweetheart meditating on this i some of my misery in the form of sentimental in my feature articles which were all liked well enough but which seemed merely to my misery finally some sentimental letters being exchanged between myself and my love i felt an impulse to return and see her and st louis before i went farther away perhaps never to return the sense of an past which | 43 |
had pervaded had i think something to do with this so and are all thoughts and moods at any rate having by now considerable influence with this paper i proposed a short and the city editor wishing no doubt to me suggested that the paper would be glad to provide me with both ways so i made haste to announce a grand return not only to my intended but to mc cord wood and several others who were still in st louis chapter as one looks back on so much of it appears ridiculous and and without an essential impulse or direction and yet as i look at life itself i am not sure but that or unimportant are a part of life s method we often think we are doing some vastly important thing in reality we are merely marking time at other times when we appear to be marking time we are growing or at a great rate and so it may have been with me instead of pushing on to new york i chose to return to st louis and grasp one more hour of exquisite romance drink one more cup of love and whether it me save as pleasure is profit i cannot tell only may not pleasure be the ultimate profit f this trip to st louis was for me a most and thing probably a great mistake at that time of course i could not see that instead i was completely lost in the grip of a passion that subsequently proved or the reality which i was seeking to establish was a temporary contact only any really beautiful girl or any scene could have done for me all the things that this particular girl and scene could do only thus far i had chanced to meet no other who could her and in a way i knew this then only i realized also that one beautiful specimen was as good a key to the lock of earthly delights as another only there were so many locks or chambers to which one key would fit and how sad in youth at least not to have all the locks or at least a giant illusion as to one this return began with a long hot trip in july to st louis and then a quick change in the union station there at evening which brought me by midnight to the small town in the back chapter it was about this time that i began to establish cordial relations with the short broad shouldered sad faced labor whom i have previously mentioned at first he appeared to be a little shy of me but as time passed and i seemed to have established myself in the favor of the he b came more friendly he was really a radical at heart but did not dare let it be known here often of a morning he would spend as much as two hours with me discussing the nature of coal and steel making the of arranging conditions which would satisfy all the men and not cause but in the main he commented on the shrewd and cunning way in which the were more and more their upon their prejudices by religious and political and at the same time them through the company store the short ton the cost of materials rent at first knowing nothing about the situation i was inclined to doubt whether he was as sound in these matters as he seemed to be later as i grew in personal knowledge i thought he might be too so painful did many of the things seem which i saw with my own eyes and his aid about this time several things to stir up my feelings in regard to new york the papers gave great space to new york events and affairs much more than did most of the mid western papers there was a steel colony here which was trying to connect itself with the so called pour hundred of new york as well as the royal social atmosphere of england and france and the and and doings of these people at new york bar harbor london and paris were fully occasionally i was sent to one or another of these great homes a book about myself to ask about the details of certain marriages or proposed and would find the people in the midst of the most luxurious preparations one night for instance i was sent to ask a certain steel man about the or extension of work in one of the mills his house was but a dot on a great estate the reaching of which was very difficult i found him about ten o clock at night stepping into a carriage to be driven to the local station which was at the foot of the grounds although i was going to the same station in order to catch a local back to the city he did not ask me to accompany him instead he paused on the step of his carriage to say that he could not say definitely whether the work would be done or not he was entirely surrounded by bags a gun a fishing basket and other after which of course a servant was looking when he was gone i walked along the same road to the same station and saw him standing there another man came up and greeted him going down to new york george he inquired no to the my lodge man tells me ducks are plentiful there now and i thought i d run down and get a few the through train which had been ordered to stop for him rolled in and he was gone i waited for my smoky local at the comfort and ease which had been already attained by a man of not more than forty five years of age but there were other things which seemed always to talk to me | 43 |
merits of new york and new york and st there not be so much difference there were many great in these minor places some day surely would new york well i lived to see many and things but not that instead i saw the great city and grow until it stood for size and force and wealth at least anywhere and now after all these i was at lai to enter it although i was well placed in and not coming as a even now i was dreadfully afraid of it why i cannot say perhaps it was because it was so immense and mentally to much more commanding still i consoled myself with the thought that this was only a visit and i was to have a to explore it without feeling that i had to make my way then and there i recall clearly the hot late afternoon in july when after stopping off at to refresh myself and secure a change of clothing i took the train for new york i noted with eager hungry eyes a succession of dreary and towns miles of blazing the and lighting these regions with a lurid glow after huge dark hills occasionally twinkling with a feeble lis t or two i spent a half night in the berth dreaming and meditating in a nervous way before dawn i was awake and watching our passage through philadelphia then new park elizabeth and of all of these save only park the home of who was then invariably referred to by and as the of park i knew nothing as we new york at seven the sky was and at it began to when i stepped down it was pouring and there at the end of a long the immense steel and glass affair that once stood in city opposite street of new york awaited my fat and smiling brother as sweet faced and gay and hopeful as a a book about myself child at once he began as was his way a of and inquiries as to my trip then led me to a entrance one of a half dozen in a row through which as through the arch of a stage i caught my first glimpse of the great a heavy mist of rain was suspended over it through which might be seen dimly the walls of the great city beyond and as graceful as fat ducks attended by of smoke in the of water at the foot of the outline of the city beyond only a few having as yet appeared lay a fringe of ships and and houses no boat being present we needs must wait for one as was the slip in which we stood but i was talking to my brother and learning of his life here and of that of my sister e with whom he was living the boat eventually came into the slip and discharged a large crowd and we along with a vast company of and entered it its as i noted was stuffed with of all sizes and descriptions those carrying light as well as others carrying coal and stone and lumber and beer i can recall to this hour the of and so characteristic of the boats and houses the crowd in the house on the new york side waiting to cross over once we arrived there and the miserable little horse cars then still along west street and between and and the and market these were drawn by one horse and you deposited your fare yourself and this in the city of elevated roads i but the car which we had two horses we up west street from to and thence along that shabby old to sixth avenue and street where we changed at first aside from the sea and the boats and the sense of which goes with everywhere i was disappointed by the seeming meanness of the streets many of them were still paved with like the oldest parts of st louis and the buildings houses and stores alike a book about myself were for the most part of a shabby red in color and v in ht from one to six stories most of them of an aged and contemptible appearance this was as i soon learned from my serene and confident brother an old and shabby portion of the city these horse cars in fact were one of the jokes of the city but they added to its variety think that they haven t anything this is the york way it has the new and the old mixed wait ii you re here a little while you be like everybody else be just one place new york and so it proved after a time the truth was that the city then for the first time in a half century if not longer was but beginning to from a frightful period of at the hands of as evil a band of as ever a body it was still being and upon in a most shameful and vice stalked hand in hand although hall the head and of all the and robbery and vice and crime protection had been delivered a blow by a reform wave which had temporarily it and placed reform officials over the city still the grip of that organization had not relaxed the police and all minor officials as well as the workmen of all were still under the very noses of the newly elected officials perhaps with their aid collecting and tribute the reverend doctor was preaching like the destruction of these of the city when i arrived the streets were not cleaned or well lighted their ways not protected or regulated as to traffic lay in piles the while the city was paying enormous sums for its collection small and feeble gas fluttered when in other cities the arc light had for fifteen years been a commonplace as we dragged | 43 |
on on this car the bells on the necks of the horses i stared and commented well you can t say that this is very much my boy my good and cheerful brother you haven t seen anything yet this is just an old part of new a book about myself york wait yon see and fifth we re just coming this way because it s the way home when we reached street and sixth avenue i very differently impressed we had for a little way under an elevated road over which trains thundered and as we stepped down i beheld an wide even at this hour in the morning with people here was s and northward stretched an area which i was told was the of the vast metropolis s s o s s all huge stores and all in a row the west side of the street we made our way across street to the entrance of a narrow apartment house and ascended two flights waiting in a rather poorly lighted hall for an answer to our ring the door was eventually opened by my sister whom i had not seen since my mother s death four years before she had become stout the trim beauty for which a very few years before she had been notable had entirely disappeared i was disappointed at first but was soon reassured and comforted by an kindly and genial disposition which expressed itself in much talking and laughing why i m so glad to see you take off your things did you have a pleasant george here s this is my husband come on back you and paul so she rattled on i studied her husband whom i had not seen before a dark and shrewd and person who seemed to be always following me with his eyes he was an american of middle western but with a latin complexion and latin eyes e s two children were brought forward a boy and a girl four and two years of age a breakfast table was waiting at which paul had already seated himself now my boy he began this is where you eat real food once more no hotels about this i no newspaper about this ah look at the look at the i as a maid brought in a a book about myself and here s and brown and and brown and he his hands in joy bet you haven t seen anything like this since you left home ah good old and his interest in food was always intense it s been many a day since i ve had such and e i observed it s been many a day since i ve had such and e my brother out you in my sister just listen to him the old i can t get him out of the kitchen can i he s always eating it s been many a day ho ho i thought you were i inquired so i am but you don t expect me not to eat this do you t i m doing this to welcome you some welcome i our chatter became more serious as the first glow of welcome wore off during it all i was never free of a sense of the and strangeness of the city and the fact that at last i was here and in this immense and far flung thing my sister had this minute nook from where i sat i could hear strange and which sounded like what is that i finally asked for to me it was boats and vessels in the there s a fog on explained h e s husband i listened to the variety of sounds some far some near some mellow some hoarse how far away are they anywhere from one to ten miles i stopped and listened again suddenly the full majesty of the sea sweeping about this island at this x caught me the entire city was surrounded by water its great buildings and streets were all washed about by that same sea green flood which i had seen coming over from city and beyond were the miles and miles of salt traversed by huge from a book about myself abroad were even now making here at its shores ranged in rows great vessels from europe and all other of the world all floating quietly upon the bosom of this river there were and small boats and sailing vessels and beyond all these eastward the silence the majesty the deadly earnestness of the sea do you ever think how wonderful it is to have the sea so close i asked no i can t say that i do replied my brother in law nor i said my sister tou get used to all those things here you know it s wonderful my boy said my brother as usual interested he invariably seemed to approve of all my moods and approaches to sentiment and like a mother who and spoils a child was anxious to encourage and indulge me great subject the sea i could not help smiling he was so and simple and innocent and sweet it s a great city i said suddenly the full import of it all sweeping over me i think i d like to live here didn t i tell you didn t i tell you exclaimed my brother they all fall for it now it s the ocean vessels that get him you take my advice my boy and move down here the quicker the better for you i replied that i might and then tried to forget the vessels and their but could not the sea the sea and this great city never before was i so anxious to explore a city and never before so much in awe of one either it seemed so huge and powerful and terrible there was something about it which made me seem useless | 43 |
and trivial whatever one might have been elsewhere what could one be here chapter my sister s husband having something to do with this narrative i will touch upon his history as well as that of mj sister in her youth e was one of the most of the girls in our family she never had any intellectual or artistic interests of any kind if she ever read a book i heard of it but as for sympathy industry and an and self sacrificing devotion to her children i have never known any one who could rival her with no adequate intellectual training save such as is provided by the impossible theories and of the catholic church she was but to make her way in the world at eighteen or nineteen she had run away and gone to where she had eventually met h who had ar fallen violently in love with her he was fifteen years older than she and well in the affairs of this world at the time she met him he was the rather manager of a company reasonably well placed married and the father of two or three children the latter all but grown to maturity th going direct to new york this was a great shock to my mother who managed to conceal it from my father although it was a three days wonder in the or scandal world of nothing more was heard of her for several years when a dangerous overtook my mother in and e came hurrying back for a few days visit this was followed by another silence which was ended by the last illness and death of my mother in and she again appeared a and soul i never knew any one to yield more completely to her emotions than she did on this occasion she was almost fantastic in her grief during all this time she had been a book about myself in new york and she and her husband were supposed to be well off later talking to paul in st i gathered that h while not so since he had gone east was not a bad sort and that he had managed to connect himself with politics in some way and that they were living comfortably in street but when i arrived there i found that they were by no means comfortable the administration under which a year or two before he had held an of some kind had been ended by the of the committee and he was now work of any kind also instead of having proved a faithful and loving husband he had long since wearied of his wife and strayed elsewhere now having fallen from his success he was until the arrival of my brother paul who for reasons of sympathy had agreed to share the expenses here during the summer season he had induced e to rent rooms but for this summer this had been ven up with the aid of my brother and some occasional work h still did they were fairly comfortable my sister if not quite happy was still the devoted slave of her children and a most dependent whatever fires or of her youth had compelled her to her career she had now settled down and was content to live for her children her youth was over love gone and yet she managed to convey an atmosphere of cheer and my brother paul was in the best of spirits he held a fair position as an actor being the star in a road comedy and planning to go out the fall in a new one which he had written for himself and which subsequently enjoyed many successful seasons on the road in addition he was by way of becoming more and more popular as a song writer also as i have said he had connected himself as a third part ner in a song business which was to publish his own and other songs and this despite its was showing unmistakable signs of success the first thing he did this morning was to invite me to come and see this place and about noon we walked across street and up sixth avenue then the heart of the a book about myself district to twentieth street and thence east to between fifth and where in a one time fashionable but now decayed dwelling given over to small his concern was on the third floor this was almost the of a world of smart shops near several great the continental and the fifth next door were lord below this on the next comer at nineteenth and was the company and below that the company a great house company and others there were excellent and office buildings crowding out an older world of fashion i remember being impressed with the great number of severe houses with their wide flights of stone steps and fifth avenue and twentieth street were filled with handsome and into my brother s office i saw a sign on the door which read company and underneath wing on are you the agent for a piano t i inquired they let us have a practice piano in return lor that sign when i met his partners i was impressed with the probability of success which they seemed to suggest and ch came true the senior member was a young small with a of teeth and hair as black as a crow and piercing eyes he had thin arms and legs which because of his back made him into t kind of spider of a man and he went about spider wise laughing and talking yet always with a heavy we re un our feet here he said to me his queer twisted face up into a of satisfaction and pride end we t yet s to show but a time i m a ye be a a i laughed say i said to paul when had gone | 43 |
about some work how could you fail with him around he f as smart as a whip and they re all good luck anyhow i a book about myself referring to the superstition which all as to others yes said my brother i know they re lucky and he s as straight and honest as they make em i ll always get a square deal here and then he began to tell me how his old by whom had been employed had trimmed him and how this youth had put him wise then and there had begun this friendship which had resulted in this the space this firm occupied was merely one square room twenty by twenty and in one comer of this was placed the free try out piano in another between two windows two tables stood back to back piled high with correspondence a longer table was along one side of a wall and was filled with published music which was being wrapped and on the walls were some wooden or containing stock the few songs thus far published although only a year old this firm already had several songs which were beginning to attract attention one of them entitled on the of new york by the following summer this song was being sung and played all over the country and in england an hit this office in this very busy cost them only twenty dollars a month and their overhead as pronounced it were i could see that my good brother was in competent hands for once and the second partner who arrived just as we were sitting down at a small table in a for lunch was an equally interesting youth whose personality seemed to spell success at this time he was still connected as head of stock whatever that may mean with that large and music house the company at and street although a third partner in this new concern he had not yet resigned his connection with the other and was using it secretly of course to aid him and his firm in of some of their wares he was quite young not more than twenty seven very quick and alert in manner very short of speech and handsome a most attractive a book about myself and dean looking man he shot out questions and replies ss one might out of a gun t whit d say y don i was moved to study him with the greatest care out of many anywhere i told myself i would have selected him as a pushing and promising and very self person but by no means disagreeable speaking of him later as well as of my brother once said y see thee new york s the only place you could do a thing like this this is the only place you could get fellows with their experience used to be with my old and he s the one that put me wise to the fact that was me and was a friend of his working for from the first i had the feeling that this firm of my brother was a part would certainly be successful there was something about it a spirit of victory and health and joy in work and life which me that these three would make a go of it i could see them ending in wealth as they did before of their own invention overtook them but that was still years away and after they had at least eaten of the fruits of victory as a part of this my into the wonders of the city paul led me into what he insisted was one of the and most of the churches in new york st francis in sixteenth street from which he was subsequently buried standing in this he told me of some priest there a friend of his who was comfortably and a good sport into the bargain thee a bird however having had my fill of and its ways i was not so much impressed either by his friend or his character but sixth avenue in this sunshine did impress me it was the crowded of nearly all the great stores at least five each a block in length standing in one immense line on one side of the street the carriages the well dressed people paul pointed out to me the windows of s on the west side of the street at and said it was the most exclusive store in america that field company of a book about was nothing and i had the from merely looking at it that this was it was so well arranged and spacious its windows in which selected materials were gracefully draped and contrasted bore out this impression there were many of the better sort constantly pausing at its doors to put down most carefully dressed women and girls i at the and wealth of a city which could support so many great stores all in a row because of the heat my brother insisted upon calling a cab to take us to and where we were to begin our northward journey just south of union square at street was the old star of he said there you have it that used to be s twenty years ago the great there was an actor my boy a great actor i they talk about and and and and all these other people today all good my boy all good but not in it with him not in it this man was a genius and he packed em too many a time i ve passed this place when you couldn t get by the door for the crowd and he proceeded to relate that in the old days when he first came to new york all the best part of the theatrical district was still about and below union square s the old london on the and what not | 43 |
i listened what had been had been it might all have been very wonderful but it was so no longer all done and gone i was new and strange and wished to see only what was new and wonderful now the sun was bright on union square now this was a world in which we were living he and i this day the wave of the sea invariably the one that has gone before and that was only twenty years ago and it has all changed again north of this was the the of the current actor manager and the best and fresh gay of almost every trace of poverty or care s was at and its windows glittering with jewels s the were at sixteenth on the west side of union square and the a book about myself was between and sixteenth a gold of his signature indicating his shop the century company to which my brother called my attention as aa institution i mi t some day be connected with so great wai his and faith in me stood on the north side of union square at at nineteenth and were the company and at twentieth was lord s great store adjoining the old building in which was my brother s firm also at this street stood the old continental hotel a popular and excellent occupying a large portion of its lower floor which became a part of my daily life later at street was then standing one of the three great stores d park at twenty third on the east side of the street facing square was another successful hotel the and opposite it on the west side was the site of the building across square its delicate golden brown tower soaring aloft and alone no huge buildings then as now to dwarf it stood square garden her arrow pointed to the wind giving naked chase to a her dogs at her heels high in the blue air above the west side of between twenty third and was occupied by the fifth avenue hotel the home as my brother was quick to inform me of the republican of the state who with divided the political control of the state and who here held open court the famous amen comer where his political were allowed to all his suggestions it was somewhere within between twenty fifth and twenty sixth on the same side of the street were two more hotels the and the house just north of this at twenty seventh and on the east side of the street and running through to fifth avenue was s into this we now ventured my good brother some acquaintance who happened to be in charge of the floor at the moment the waiter who served us greeted him f i stared in awe at its and furniture a book about myself noble and the something it which seemed to si of wealth and power how easily five cents the knee to five million a block or two north of this was the old fifth then a of the first class but later devoted to at twenty ninth was the house one of the earliest homes of this my loving brother at and on the east side stood s famous for its musical and beauty shows at thirty first and on the west side of the street stood s famous its f suggestive of older homes to this new use and already it was coming to be fields had not even appeared and in my short span it appeared and disappeared and became a memory i between twenty eighth and thirty fourth were several more important hotels the grand the imperial and between thirty third and thirty fourth streets in sixth avenue was the old at that time the home of many but also like s drawing to the end of a successful career in thirty fourth west of later a part of the store site was s music hall managed by a man who subsequently was to become widely known but who was then only beginning to rise and around the comer in at thirty fifth was a very successful the herald square facing the unique and beautiful herald building beyond that in thirty fifth not many feet east of sixth avenue was the or the as it was then known managed by daniel f above these at thirty sixth on the west side was the at which later in his my brother chose to live at thirty eighth on the comer stood the popular and exclusive one of the hotels and at the comer of this same the new and imposing at thirty ninth was the with its of girls the of all night loving and and between thirty ninth and on the west side the world n a book about fc still unchanged save for a in i comer at over the way stood the empire with its stock company which included the s j and what not and in this same block was the famous s chop house a resort for and at second and the end of all for my brother and from which he turned sadly and said well here s the end stood that of the new hotel with its opening on three its seats backed to its walls its hi open windows an air of wisdom as to all matters to and the it this indeed was the extreme northern limit of the white light district and here we paused for a drink and to see and be seen how well i r it all ihe sense of ease and that was over this place and over all the loud clothes the bright straw hats the the diamonds the hot the air of security and well being assumed by those who had won an all too brief hour in that petty world of make believe and pleasure and fame and | 43 |
here my good brother was at his best it was paul here and paul there already known for several songs of great fame as well as for his stage work and genial personality he was welcomed everywhere and then down the street in the comforting shade of its west wall what amazing male and female and so very many of them x to take him by the hand slap him on the back pluck familiarly at his coat l el and pour into his ear or his bosom magnificent tales of of great shows of fights and deaths and love affairs and tricks and and all the time my good brother smiled laughed there were moments with with long haired down on their and looking for a or a dollar and bright petty of the world and out of the west here to live and their tales of hardships endured battles won or of at cards in racing and what not now by or a book about myself stopped and exchanged news or stories there was talk of v hat or swine some people were what as well as the magnificent god s own salt that others were the oaths i the stories of women my brother seemed to know them all i was amazed what a genial happy well thought of i chapter all this while of course there had been much talk as to tbe character of those we met the wealth and fashion that purchased at s or at s those who the fifth avenue the house the the my brother had friends in many of these hotels and bars a friend of his was the editor of the standard and he would take me up and introduce me another was the political or sporting man of tiie sun or world or herald here came one who was the manager of the or the one was a writer a a or a poet a man of my brother as we passed twenty third street he made it plain that here was a street which had recently begun to replace the older and more colossal sixth avenue some of the and much stores best s le s s stem brothers built here this is really the smart street now thee this and a part of fifth avenue about twenty third the really exclusive stores are coming in here if you ever work in new york as you will you want to know about these things you ll see more smart women in here than in any other street and he called my attention to the lines of and and carriages the harness of the horses with and gilt passing s he said now here my boy is a manager he makes actors he don t hire them he takes em and trains em all these young fellows and girls who are making a stir and he named a dozen among whom i noted such names as those of drew and worked for him and he don t allow any nonsense there s none of that stuff with him you bet when you work for him you re just an ordinary and you a book about myself do what he tells yon not the way yon think yon to do i ve watched him and i know and all these fellows tell the same story about him but he s a gentleman my boy and a manager everybody knows that when he with a man or a woman they can act at thirty third street he waved his hand in the direction of the which was then but the half of its later size i own there s the that s the place that s the last word for the rich that s where they give the biggest balls and dinners there and at s and the and after a pause he continued some time you to write about these things thee they re the limit for extravagance and show the people out west don t know yet what s going on but the rich are getting control they ll own the country pretty soon a writer like you could make em see that you ought to show up some of these things so they d know youthful inexperienced the whole of this earthly a mere guess i accepted that as an important challenge maybe it ought to be shown up as though or indicating life has ever yet changed it but he the genial and hopeful always fancied that it might be so and i with him when he left me this day at three or four his interest ended because the wonders of had been exhausted i found myself with all the great strange city still to be making inquiry as to directions and distances i soon found myself in fifth avenue at forty second street here represented by at least was that of wealth which as i then imagined solved all earthly ills beauty was here of course and ease and dignity and security that most wonderful and thing in life i saw i admired and i resented being myself poor and seeking fifth avenue then lacked a few of the buildings which since have added somewhat to its the public library the museum at eighty second street as well as most of the great houses which now face central park north of fifty ninth street but in their place a book about myself was that has since been lost and never will be again a line of quiet and crowded together on spaces of land no wider than twenty five f still had about them an air of which caused one to hesitate and take note between forty and fifty ninth street there was scarcely a suggestion of that coming invasion of trade which subsequently in a period of less than twenty years changed its character completely instead there were | 43 |
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