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t te great trial of v and which in scandalous revelations in high life is proceeding a group of would be has collected waiting with t ie patience of respectable for a chance of admission to the paradise within the paradise at present is full to overflowing and the doors are guarded by a couple of particularly stern and stolid attendants each is trying to wear out the endurance of the rest and to the by behaviour a meek man to after standing in hopeful silence for three quarters of an hour i suppose there ll be a chance of getting in presently eh the placidly none whatever sir the m m but they ll be rising for luncheon in an hour or so some will be coming out then surely not many them as are in stays in mostly the m m with a sudden recollection that he is acquainted with one of the counsel engaged in the case couldn t you take in my card to mr tm sure he ll do anything he could for me the rest regard him with extreme as one guilty of behaviour on the threshold of it won t be no use there ain t room in there as it is for a cue a one but i ll get it taken in for you if you like he opens the door a very little and passes card to an attendant within junior members of the junior bar in very clean white with thought you had orders to let counsel in before the general public there ought to be some rule about that if there isn t so we do sir but if this gentleman s a friend of mr s and he me to admit him why you see the junior junior the convenience of mere members of the bar must give way naturally the inside attendant returns with card which the the door to receive and then it with a sharp like a wild beast to the m m after card by the dim light i told you it wouldn t be no use sir please wait it says general movement of virtuous satisfaction at this well rebuke the m m wishing he had not put his trust in i i have waited but it don t matter addressing first white wig from a timid social impulse the er made some remarkable in the box yesterday his cross examination seemed pretty severe first white wig after a stare at his audacity cross examination not is to the ot w w see that extraordinary decision of old s in v of course they ll appeal i the couple converse in highly terms for some minutes the m m at the next pause it struck me that colonel rather contradicted himself on one or two points second w w very likely to first w w what do you do when you re before one of these confounded common law judges on the threshold of and see he s looking up a point of in a text book during your argument do you wait for him first w w a all the decision of a counsel who was called the before last wait for him no go on talking about anything you like till he s ready to listen to you again that s what always lo an important stranger bustling up to here i say let me in will you you a witness in this case sir the s after a tell tale pause er yes in a sort of way y know then your entrance is down below sir in the central all you ll see it written up there the i s well i m not exactly a witness but i m interested in the case y know so are all these gentlemen sir but they can t get in the i s no but look here i know the t least i don t mean to call em that y know hope they re all innocent i m sure i like em all danced with em and all that lots of times ah well you see they ain t to day sir tjie i s away there is a stir within the portion of the crowd in court that is visible through the glass doors and presently produces a stout and struggling q c make way there stand aside gentlemen please counsel coming out q c comes puffing followed by his clerk and a first w w as the chasm in t ie crowd again now you can let us in not yet sir to other i see that party last know him as was here making all that day afore yesterday i went and ad a drink with im second interested ah and ow was he first oh same as usual told me he d come up from for a week s and he seems to be it too ome saturday so he but the on the threshold second grimly he ll be lucky if he gets there saturday fortnight murmurs from the fortunate who can just see the witness box the glass who s that in the box that s colonel finishing his cross examination doesn t seem to be enjoying himself see how he s at his moustache got a nasty one just then i expect i d as soon believe im as i would er now she ain t been in the box yet no but she s a lar bad lot from what was said in the opening speech they won t change my opinion of r whichever way the case goes well i t followed it closely myself oh no more have i but still i ve e up	44
my mind long ago about it c the i s suddenly returning indignant i say they re letting in all sorts of people and so on at that other door can t that sir this ain t the other door you should speak to them about the i s well i have and they told me to come here i general amidst which he in disgust a small office boy with a strip of paper tied with red kin i see sir a moment sir alfred ain t in this court he s engaged in another case the o b is do it s important you better in i tell yer send in a message for yer if that ll do the o b says it doesn t signify and young artful thinks he ll in and spend his dinner hour there but he don t l the m m has been examining his card under a i say i ve just found out that it wasn t please wait that mr wrote on my card it s admit a general of incredulity first w w to second w w ingenious but a trifle transparent that eh his friend smiles the m m roused do you mean to suggest that i he first w w oh not at all i was speaking to my friend here on the threshold of but you really must allow that if any preference is shown at it should be given and of right to members of the bar chorus from the other yes they ve stood here nearly as long as you have you must wait your turn like the rest of us no ere we ve got as much right to go in as you if ta wants you admitted over our heads let him come and let you in himself if j one goes in first it ought to be well it ain t much consequence gentlemen for i can t let none of you in at present the m m with suppressed rage wonders if it is worth while to mention that he happens to be a himself and wishes to enter for t ie serious and legitimate purpose of collecting material for an essay he is on the abuse of cross examination to t ie nineteenth century on reflection thinks he had better not as the crowd in court is again clear the way there court rising counsel coming out ah this is mr the white and all now we shall see they regard the m m with triumph mr passing out and the m m why my dear mutton won t they let you in here come along with me he passes his arm through the m m s walks with him to tlie other door murmurs a request for his admission and the next t ie m m is safe in the haven of his desire the other looking after him well of all the brazen impudence they are swept aside by t ie of emerging counsel spectators c and re to find the doors as closed against them as ever the threaten to write to the law times on the subject and are regarded with admiration by the rest as of popular rights boat race day the reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed bridge and is being carried along by a stream of towards the banks are already occupied it still wants half an to the time fixed for the start by a triple row of t te more patient and prudent spectators on t te left of path various more or less shady characters have established their and are doing t best to the first shady character over a coloured board with a revolving and not index three to one any colour you like fairest game in the world tm a tm a pop it on you two a couple of shop boys pop it on in was your colour and it if a cap sure enough m a this time try it again t do blue s your fancy this turn my lord and green it is good for ever i twenty can play at this game as well as one don t be afraid o yer luck ave another go red did you put your on and it s again and you lose the pass on with empty pockets fairest game in the world second s c who has been conducting a confidence from a and egg box well i you re all satisfied and if you ain t candidly it don t make no difference to me for i m these premises is down fur alterations he gets off the shoulders the egg box and in search of fresh a now all you who are fond of a bit o fun and amusement jest you stop and invest a penny in this little article i am now about o boat race day to to your notice to make yer in the and practice of in the small space of five seconds and a and i think you ll agree with me as it ain t possible to become an expert at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny ere i old in my and a simple little machine of a small sheet of in a gilt frame i ve been five and forty one times never been bit by a mad dog in my life and all these articles have been thoroughly before leaving the factory therefore you ll agree with me you needn t be afraid o catching the they tell me it s nearly died out now and no wonder with a cure for it but this article is a certain remedy all you ve got to	44
on the d ye see seem friendly enough too to each other and all lor they wouldn t bear no malice now it s over crowd and the c c y with renewed zest preserved specially imported for london market a saturday night scene at in the a matron the usual and y w io takes all her pleasure as a penance well they may call it but don t see no difference from what it was when the show was ere except that then they ad the o nature and s her husband an less from conviction than contradiction there you go maria finding fault the minute you ve put your nose inside we ain t in yet it s up at the top o them steps the p m up all them stairs well i it ll be worth seeing when we do get there that s all an attendant as she arrives at top not this door ma am next entrance for modern the you needn t go all the way down again when the steps join like that the p m i m not going to walk sideways m not a joe whatever you may think joe with now wherever have those other two got to off that way oh there they are ere and keep along o me and father do or we shan t see half of what s to be seen oh all right ma don t you worry so to her don t those tall fellows look smart with the red feathers in their cocked what do they call them a young man who thinks for himself well i shouldn t wonder if preserved those were the parties they call sort o ce over there d ye see they re than i will say that for them they enter modem amidst cries of this way for tickets pass along please keep to your right c c it does have a foreign look with all those queer names written up think it s like what it is bound to be with all the money they ve spent on it i dare say they ve idle it a bit though the p m where are all these they talk so much about don t see none as a break in t te crowd a narrow olive green channel why what d ye call that ma the p m that a why you don t mean to tell me any ud the go on you didn t suppose you d find the canal in these parts did you this is big enough for all they want a goes by crowded with pot passengers smoking pipes and wearing the uncomfortable smile of children enjoying their first elephant ride that s one o these ere it s a rum looking concern ain t it but i suppose you get used to em like everything else the p m it gives me the to look at em talk about i the well look ere we ve come out to enjoy ourselves what d ye say to having a ride in one eh the p m you won t me trusting in one o them things so don t you deceive yourself the oh it s on y two foot o warm water if you do tip over come on who has just landed his cargo ere ow much you take the lot of us for hey you k you he means we ve got to go to the and take tickets and stand in a cue d yer see preserved the p m me go and form a cue down there and get like at the pit all to set in a i can see all want to see without about in one o them things i the others well i as it s worth the sixpence come to think of it they pass on we re on the bridge now d ye see the one in know that s the one they call the bridge o sighs ain t it is that because there s shops on it i or else more than ever ah the same as the monument they walk on with a sense of mental mrs salt it s wonderfully like the real thing isn t it of course they can t quite get the true atmosphere mr l s well they d have the authorities down on them if they did you know mrs l s oh you re so horribly but couldn t we get one of those and go about it would be so lovely to be in one again and fancy ourselves back in dear now it mr l s the illusion is cheap at sixpence so come along he tickets and presently the find them selves part of a long being between by italian in a state of politely suppressed amusement mrs l s over her shoulder to her husband as she i d no idea we should have to go through all this must we really herd in with all these people can t we two manage to get a all to ourselves a voice not s m her ear i m sure i m flattered but i m already suited t i his statement with unnecessary emphasis a sturdy in front over his shoulder pity yer didn t send word you was coming and then they d ha the place clear of us common people for yer i mrs l s is sorry she spoke preserved in the mr and mrs l s an seated in the back seat supported on one side by the humorous and and on the other by a pale youths with a particularly rank cigar and the sturdy whose two small boys occupy the seat in front the st with malice if you two lads ain t	44
got room there i this lady won t mind one of yer on her lap to mrs l s who is frozen with horror at suggestion they re beans like i mrs l s desperately other neighbours isn t that lovely balcony there copied from the one at the or is it the i forget mr l s don t remember got the rather well haven t they i suppose that s intended for the dome of the salute down not quite the outline though if i remember right and if that s the of st mark s the colour s too brown eh the hum with intention oh i t that the of oval right and t they got the grand in the road proper eh playing up to him with enjoyment jest t they i on y i don t remember whether the colour o them gas lamps is correct but there if we go on this w y other parties might think we wanted to show mrs l s do you remember our last expedition coming home from the in that splendid sunset the hum you and me ome from on a eh chorus of from the and as pass ere comes another boat load up four ain t that in the tall at himself quite a funeral c mrs l s faintly as they enter canal in front of the stage dear i really can t stand this much longer preserved mr l s to the youth might i ask you sir not to puff your smoke in this lady s face t it s extremely unpleasant for her the b y all right tm always ready to oblige a but wounded pride as to its bein unpleasant yer know all can tell yer is w a sarcasm that this to be one of the best in i mr l s i am sure of that from the but if you could kindly its enjoyment for a little while we should be extremely obliged the b y well i must keep it yer know if there s any one ere that understands cigars they ll bear me out as it never the same when you once let it out the other passengers confirm him in this where upon lie the cigar at intervals behind mrs l s s during the of the trip mr l s to mrs l s when they are alone again well illusion successful eh mrs l s oh i at a scene the s head in the city time the luncheon hour the interior which is bright and arranged is crowded with the of both sexes clerks of a literary turn tlie and alternately or discuss the comparative merits of modem writers lady clerks lunch and on tea and baked trim move about with a sweet but slightly mystic as conscious of conducting a mission to a who has met his by appointment and is into mysteries i wish you d take something more than a and roll though it gives you such a poor idea of the thing honest pride you just see me put away this plate of at the young daniel where i usually lunch they give you twice the quantity of stuff they do here tm so glad seen you lunch now i shall be able to fancy every day exactly what you are having her to assist her imagination mind you i don t always have sometimes it s or and whatever s going now yesterday for instance i had details exactly what lie had and she to these moving with t te interest of a first literary clerk no but look here you don t take my point i m not running down all i m arguing is he couldn t have written some of the things did second l c of course not when had written them nothing against him at a first l c tm not saying it is tm telling you the difference between the two men now he makes you thinks second l c he never made me think that s know third l c nor yet me now he does make you think if you like i first l c now you re getting on to something else the grand fault i find with is second l c hold hard a bit have you read him third l c yes let s ave that first ave you read im first l c dignity i ve read as much of him as i care to second l c what have you read of his name it first l c i ve read his in for one thing second l c disappointed well you don t deny there s poetry in do you first l c i don t call it poetry in the sense i call poetry certainly not second l c there you touch a wider question there s no rhyme in to begin with first l c no more there is in milton but i suppose you ll admit he s a poet and so on until none of is exactly sure he is arguing about though each feels lie has got decidedly the best of it first lady clerk at adjoining table to second l c how excited those young men do get to be sure i do like to hear taking up such intellectual subjects though now my brothers talk of nothing but horses and music halls and and things like that second l c i expect it s the difference in food that accounts for it i don t think i could care for a man that ate meat are you going to have another dear i am an elderly lady with short hair and to can you bring me some eggs certainly madam how would you like	44
them done d la at a the e l with severity certainly not you will serve them dressed please i x la we can give you egg if you prefer it the l i never e superstition them enter a with a to whom he is playing the selecting a table with great care always like to be near the stove and out of the draught the prettiest approaches and him with a sweetness as one of faith while to tha at a whom site at a glance as still without the pale is severely now what x you going to have passing him the bill of fare the the document well really er i think i d better lead the i generally begin with a plate of myself the y know the conscious that it clear his i m afraid that at this time of day to tell you the truth desperate i never was a lover the regards him sorrowfully the pity thing you can take more to the square inch in a pint of than a leg of mutton however if you really won t i can recommend the rice and the feebly i i d rather begin with something a little more with a sad that site is casting pearls before a wine we have and or pie with potatoes both very nice the the i ll have some of this er he tjie result in customer behind his bill what have i had let me see and bread of and a jam roll and a bottle of the makes out his accordingly and it to him with a bright smile of approval and encouragement the who has over a most excellent selection that s a man sir who knows how to live ha here s my will you give me some brown sugar with it please and to the n there s your smells good eh the it and finding it a compound of and i i like the excellent indeed he attacks t te t the of his there now i shall have some and with and a to follow and i think that will about do me will oh you haven t finished your yet by the way what will you drink i don t often indulge in champagne in the middle of the day but it s my birthday so i think we might venture on a bottle between us eh the in whom t u has excited a lively thirst by all means i suppose you know the here the only one brand non of course i believe from ah the exactly so after all i d just as soon have ale if they keep it that is the any quantity of it what shall it be they ve anti bass beer or stout or perhaps you d like to try their porter i m rather partial to it myself capital the i i ve no doubt of it on second thoughts if you don t mind i d rather have water to himself it doesn t look the more heartily than ever just as you please my boy but you don t mean to say you ve done the earnestly indeed i couldn t touch another morsel really the i thought that looked satisfying that s where it is you see a man can come here and get a thoroughly and filling meal for the trifling sum of and yet you meet people who tell you is a mere passing it s a force that s making itself felt you must be conscious of that yourself already the politely y yes but it s not at all unpleasant at present really enter a couple of customers from the country who seat themselves first c well i how re but i feel as if i could a bit at a second do i can do wi myself tidy of a place this ere i fo one of the who his commands with patience you may bring me and my friend a chop piece not too and a wi two pots o stout an bitter an lo sharp about it sensation the v j them gently but firmly to understand that these coarse and must be indulged whereupon they depart and abashed as scene at a scene a public hall in a provincial town t ie a graceful and handsome young man in well fitting evening clothes has already succeeded in putting most of his subjects to sleep and is going round and them as t on a semi circle of chairs in a variety of attitudes the only lady on the platform is evidently as yet in full possession of her senses first female spectator to second maria do take a time sending off don t she second f s also a friend of yes that she do it gives her such a silly look sitting there the on y one with her senses about her first f s it s all affectation she could shut her eyes fast enough if she liked i second f s the s coming round to her now shell have to go off now with a not anticipation i expect he ll make her do all manner o ridiculous things first f s well it will be a lesson to her against making herself so conspicuous another time shan t pity her the after a brief with miss i see i am not likely to succeed with this lady so with many thanks to her on behalf of myself and the audience for coming forward i will detain her no longer applause amidst which miss m to her seat in tlie body of the	44
hall with a smile of conscious triumph first f s disappointed i don t see what she s done to clap their hands about myself at a second f s nor i neither taking up his time all for nothing depend upon it she wouldn t have gone up if he hadn t been so first f s i wouldn t like to think that of her myself but anyhow she didn t get much by it did she he soon sent packing male spectator to a woman in front of evening mrs i see they ve got your good man up on the platform mrs m he will go mr he s gone up every night the s been here and says he feels it s going to do him good so this evening i said i d come in too and judge for myself what good he expects to get laying there like a damp don t know i meanwhile the has borrowed a silver handled umbrella from the audience and thrust it before tjie faces of one or two looking who immediately begin to horribly and follow the silver top with till they knock their heads mr to mrs he s going to give your husband a turn of it now the umbrella handle is applied to mr m feeble little man with a sandy top riot tie after the silver top when it is depressed and makes futile attempts to up the umbrella after it it is held aloft mrs m severely i haven t patience to look at him a ud have had more sense i the calling up one of the heavy is can you whistle sir yes then whistle something t ie youth a popular air in a tone now you cant whistle try the youth tries and produces nothing but a close imitation of an air cushion that is being now if i were not to wake him up this young gentleman s friends would never enjoy the benefit of his whistle again voice from a back row wake him nor we can bear it after restoring the lost talent and calling up another youth somewhat attired now sir what do you drink at d the youth w a beer when i can get old of it i a friend of his in audience jim s a lark with him he said as ow he meant to kid him like he ain t yer but you like water too don t you jim admits this in moderation try this he gives him a of water is that good water jim his lips that s good water enough sin it s bad water taste it again jim tastes and it with every symptom of extreme jim s friend try him with a drop o scotch in it u get it down to jim there is no water in that glass it s full of sovereigns don t you see jim that this is and to his conviction by promptly the contents of the glass into his pocket what have you got in your pocket jim with satisfaction golden sovereigns wake up now what do you find in your pocket any sovereigns t jim surprised sovereigns no sir after putting his hand in his bringing it out and regarding the stream of water issuing from his leg more like water sir he makes dismal efforts to dry himself amidst of laughter his friend old jim didn t come best out o that to jim you don t feel comfortable assent from jim yes you do you feel no discomfort whatever jim his seat with a satisfied expression an open minded mind yer if this can prevent water from being wet there must be something in it i will now give you an illustration of the manner in which by influence a subject can be affected with an entirely imaginary pain take this gentleman indicating unfortunate mr who is peacefully now what pain shall we give him a voice stomach ache this suggestion however is so advanced t it fortunately escapes notice at a very good we will give him the audience receive this with enthusiasm which to delight when mr s cheek begins to violently y and lie nurses his jaw in acute agony the is transferred to another victim who in an even more entertaining manner until the unhappy couple are finally relieved from torment a well it s better nor any play this is but he ought to ha passed the round the lot of em just for the fun o the thing mrs i should ha thought there was enough without coming here to get more of it but so long as s himself shan t interfere the has impressed his subjects with the idea that there is an angel at the other end of t ie hall and they are affected by the celestial apparition some gazing with a grin while others her stiffly or hail her like a cab mr alone no interest mr to mrs m your don t seem to be putting himself out angel or no angel mrs m complacently he knows too well what s due to me mn angel enough for him i shall now persuade this gentleman that there is a beautiful young lady in green at the door of this hall to mr m do you see her sir i mr m rising with alacrity i do lovely creature he suddenly up a of water and his invisible in passionate to come up and share it with him to tlie infinite delight of the audience and disgust of his wife after the performance mr as he his wife i felt the influence more strongly to night than what i have yet and the professor says if i only keep on coming up every night while	44
he s here i shall soon be completely susceptible to why whatever s the matter my dear so t mrs m matter i you re quite susceptible enough as it is and now i know how you can go on you don t catch letting you get again you and your young lady in green indeed i da creature mr m utterly me and my i don t know what you re alluding to it s the first heard of it mrs m grimly well it won t be the last by a long h ay oh the insight i ve had into your character this evening i mr m is taken home to realize that is not without its dangers with a of a recent exhibition scene gallery groups of more or less puzzled discovered endeavouring to do justice to the collection having realized that mr s work is considered entitled to serious consideration but feeling themselves unable to get beyond a timid in addition to these there are frank are here with a fixed intention of being with a strongly taste in art serious elderly ladies literal persons c c a lady after looking at a representation of old bridge in the tone of a person who feels she is making a liberal concession well do you know i must say that so bad i shouldn t so much mind having that in the room should you her companion well i don t know he s put a steamer in should you think there were in a vaguely those days first lady evidently considering mr capable of any oh i don t suppose he would mind that much first literal person coming to the portrait of miss alexander well he might have put a expression on the child second do do yes very to catalogue oh i see it says it is simply a disagreeable of a disagreeable young lady first do do rejoicing that the painter has himself this time ah that explains it then of course if he meant it a serious elderly lady there s one thing i must say i do like my dear and that s the way he puts down all the on his pictures so straightforward and honest of him call it m with her companion yes but i expect he can t help seeing how right and sensible the critics are you know still it shows he would do better if he could an advanced nephew is endeavouring to convert a uncle to t ie superiority of the modern school now here uncle look at this look at the way the figure out of the canvas look at the learning in the simple sweep of the the drawing of it and the grace of the pose you don t mean to tell me you don t call that a magnificent portrait his uncle who s it of that s what want to know first nephew coldly you will find it in the catalogue no doubt no uncle looking it up arrangement in black la dame au the lady in a yellow something or other and not a word to tell you who she s supposed to be if i pay a shilling for a catalogue i expect to find information in it and let me ask you where s the interest in looking at a portrait when you re not told who it s intended for the nephew not being prepared to this difficult leads his relative gently up to a in and silver the uncle his opinion of it by a loud aud expressive first person before no is it y well come i ought to recognize this i ve been there often enough it closely ha um second p p with languid interest is it like first p p i could tell you better if he d done it by daylight t can t make out this in the front looks to me like the top of a house don t remember that second p p i think it s meant for a landing stage or that sort of thing and when you look into it there s something that seems intended for people most extraordinary isn t it the matron is searching for a picture with a subject to it there it s evidently a you see and ships with and they re letting off probably for a does it tell you what it is in the catalogue after consulting it it only says a in blue gold oh yes reading a splash and of brightness on a black ground to a display of her mother gratified at own intelligence i thought it be he seems quite fond of doesn t he first what have we got here in flesh colour and green very like one too i dare say when you know what it is second f p as far as i can make it out a s either a harmony inside out or a down it don t much matter a lady is laboriously trying to catch the right spirit the wave at now i do admire that and what i like even better than the blue wave is this great brown one breaking in the so exactly like water isn t it dick dick not a y yes just only it s a rock you know the but if that s the way he saw it dick dick here s a thing mark s i ll trouble you what s he done with the s and the bronze horses and the never saw the place look like that the lady because it didn t happen to ht while we were there that s all first person ah there s old you see dear	44
me what a very fitting coat see how it over his chest second p p yes i dare say he the wrong button philosopher and all that sort of thing y know first p p well i do think might have him of it in the second room the matron in search of a subject ah now this really is more my idea of a picture quite a pretty those curtains and there s a little girl reading a book and a looking glass with reflections and all and a young lady in a riding habit just going out for a ride with yes mother or just come in from one her mother do see what it s called the morning or back from the row something of that kind i expect it would be all it says is in green and rose the mother disappointed now why can t he give it some sensible name instead of taking away all one s interest the uncle whom a succession of and has irritated to the verge of fury don t talk to me sir don t tell me any of these things are pictures look at this a young woman in an dress sitting on the floor on the bare floor in a litter of sketches and he has the confounded impertinence to call it a caprice a caprice in purple and gold d purple and him sir if i had my way where s the sense in such things what do they teach you what story do they tell where s the human interest in them depend upon it sir these things are rubbish sheer rubbish according to all my notions of art and i think you ll allow i ought to know something about it his nephew provoked beyond prudence you certainly ought to know more than that my dear are you going the uncle grimly yes to see my sir to himself savagely tliat confounded young will find he s paid dear enough for his precious if i don t have a fit in the cab he goes the nephew wonders whether his attempt at was quite while a serious elderly lady ive no patience with the man look at now i m sure he was a beautiful artist if you like did he go and call his leaving the a or a harmony or any nonsense of that kind of course and yet look at the difference an person carried away by the local influence to t u man at the could you kindly oblige me by exchanging this note in black and for an arrangement in silver and gold finds himself cruelly misunderstood and suspected of dinners scene the grounds of a certain exhibition on this particular evenings there has been a slight in tlie arrangements and t te relations between the and tlie are apparently strained enter an followed by a meek and youthful guest the concluding an well all ve got to say is i ve been here half an hour with a bitter sense of the of the situation waiting about or you they seat themselves at one of t te little tables under tlie oh youve going to sit that side are you it s all the same to me except that there s a confounded draught here which well you re young and these things don t affect you or t to they exchange sides we shall have to hurry our dinner now if we mean to hear anything of the music that was the reason i expressly told you seven sharp here waiter waiter presents a and stands by with a proud humility now what are you going to have to guest you don t mind t i hate to hear a man say he doesn t care what he eats he ought to care he must care what do you say to this d de k i and green peas new potatoes simple and ah satisfying to waiter let us have that as sharp as you can do you hear waiter quick yes i he off the e a hang the fellow he s forgotten the vine tie est what will you drink the guest thinks it will look greedy if lie suggests champagne oh er whatever you re going to drink s dinners the e a well tm going to have a glass of champagne myself i want it after all this worry but if you prefer beer say so tlie guest in a spirit of prefers beer well we could have managed a bottle of between us and it s never so good to my mind in the but please yourself of course t te guest feels that his moderation has missed fire but dares not tliey sit in silence for some without anything of importance except that a strange waiter down and carries away their bread basket a meek man at an adjoining table probably for family reasons is entertaining his sister in law a lady with an nose and remarkably thick you know i call this sort of thing very jolly having dinner like this in the fresh air eh he his hands under the table it may be so when we do have it at present we have been sitting here fifteen minutes and had nothing but fresh air and small flies and as i don t pretend to be a myself why she herself vigorously well you know my dear we were warned that the en might take some little time i suppose with mild it s a fashionable fish wants to come in with a little head over with curls as the poet says please don t make jokes of that sort unless you wish to destroy the little appetite i have left	44
never mind i won t do it again here s our waiter at last now we re all right the waiter puts a dish down upon another table and advances with the air of a family friend who brings bad tidings will you kindly let us have that at once the waiter bending down to with pity and sympathy to you after you so long thinks how he can break it most gently ve many to day and me in is no more he nod dinners mildly no of course not well let me see now what can you the e a here you come here can t you what the waiter to von minute i back to e a you your sir yes the e a my bill confound it i want something to eat first when is that coming waiter your ve so all day your pe i go to him he goes now we re farther off from getting any food than ever i suppose you mean to do something of course certainly i shall speak very strongly waiter with scorn do you imagine they will pay the least attention to a noise like a toy let them see you insist upon being obeyed i am i mean i will i am very much annoyed fiercely wa ai ter i a stern waiter appearing suddenly you sir yes we should er like something to eat anything so long as you can bring it at once if you don t mind we this lady is rather in a hurry and we ve waited some little time already you see the waiter your is nod my i send your he the e a scandalous over twenty minutes we ve been here ha at last a waiter appears with a which here what do you call this waiter au you order him yes no i him he it away to the of the guest thought it smelt nice the e a i ordered where is it and i want some wine too a pint of and a small if they re not here very soon i ll dinners the guest trying to make the best of things nothing for it but patience i suppose the e a with intention i had very little of that left before i sat down i can tell you i a sarcastic and solitary waiter could you spare me one moment of your valuable time waiter it is so long since i had the pleasure of speaking to you that you may possibly have forgotten that about three quarters of an hour ago i ventured to express a preference for an te de with a half bottle of could you give me any idea how much longer those rare may take in preparing and in the meantime enable me to support the pangs of starvation by me the favour of a penny roll if i am not too much upon your good nature the waiter in a state of extreme and alarm to inform tlie manager tile e a s waiter a small champagne dinners and glass of i to to you is only enough for von he bows with well bred concern the e a confound it all to guest here d better take this now it s here afraid of it eh well is apt to with some people to waiter give it to me and bring this gentleman some soup or whatever else you have ready he himself with his while tlie guest in pure absence of mind drinks the champagne with which the waiter has filled his glass here what are you doing didn t order tjie mistake oh you ve changed your mind have you to guest all right of course only it s a pity you couldn t say so at once to w another pint of and take this stuff away exit w the unfortunate guest in attempting to pass the bottle to it into his soup what the there himself you might have left me the soup at all events well well it s no use saying any more about it i suppose i shall get something to eat some day general tumult from several tables appeals to the who lose their heads and one ur in their own tongue bitterly to go in search of and at a refreshment bar sudden and appearance of energetic manager apologies promises magic and production of everybody s dinner appetite and anger appeased as scene in a sketch at any theatre on most scene the front house in boxes and dress circle are friends and relations of t ie author in the are a couple of stray critics who leave early actors and resting more friends and relations in the pit the front row is filled by the author s domestic servants the of several of the and a theatrical or two behind them a of t ie general public whose time apparently hangs heavily on hands in a stage box is the author herself with a companion a gloom the a scratch is playing a lame and for the second time to for a little delay of fifteen minutes between the first and second in the second act ceases and a at the pit door ta ra ra boom de ay some restless spirits stamp feebly the author i wish they would be a little quicker i ve a good mind to go behind myself and hurry them up the audience are beginning to get impatient her companion but that shows how interested they are it dear author i think it ought to interest them but i did expect they would have shown a little more enthusiasm over that situation in the last they re rather a cold audience it s above their heads dear that s where	44
it is plays are such rubbish now a days people don t appreciate a really r i drama just at first i do hope mr mr hare and mr tree will come in i m sure they ll be only too anxious to secure it i author i don t know that i should care for it to come out at the but of course if the terms were very oh they re beginning at last i hope this h comedy scene will go well curtain rises comic dialogue nothing whatever to do with the plot between a footman and a in short sleeves a lace and a diamond depression of audience serious characters enter and tell one another long and stories all about nothing when t te remarks your story is indeed a sad one but go on a shudder goes through tjie house which becomes a groan ten minutes later when the listener says you have told me your history now hear mine i he tells it it proves if possible and more the other a follows by all the sparkle and brilliancy of champagne t te house witnesses t ie fall of the curtain with author that love scene was perfectly ruined by the acting she ought to have turned her head aside when he said dash the tea pot but she never did and he left out all that about dreaming of her when he was ill with in i wish they wouldn t have such long waits though we timed the piece at and with the cuts i made it only played about four hours but tm afraid it will take longer than that to day i don t care how long it is it s so beautifully written i author well i put my whole soul in it you know but it s not till this next act that i show my full power curtain rises on a drawing room furnished with dingy from the property room tjie home of the villain who is about to give an evening party enter a sir i have a secret of importance which can only be revealed to your private ear of apprehension amongst the audience sir j certainly go into yonder apartment and await me there sigh of relief from spectators a footman sir the guests wait sir j with ease bid them enter they troop in and sit down against t te wall entertaining one another in dumb s tow footman re entering sir a dressed anger who says he knew you in under an a few words sir j confusion one of my former iti crime guests must not be present at this interview to guests ladies g and gentlemen will you step into the adjoining room for a few minutes and examine my collection of war weapons guests retire with amiable of enjoyment the stranger enters and tells long story i smile still he but even a dead man s skull will smile allow me then the privileges of death at this an suddenly and the audience from that that the piece possesses a humorous side the stranger goes the guests return re enter footman sir an elderly man who was acquainted with your family years ago on seeing you and will take no denial villain with presence of mind to guests ladies and gentlemen will you step into the neighbouring apartment and join the dancers t ie guests obey t ie elderly man enters and who declares that he is his own second cousin joseph whereupon the visitor turns down his coat collar and takes off a false beard do you know me now he cries am joseph your second cousin what ho sir insolence the villain and so you come to deliver me to justice not so says joseph long years ago i swore to my dying aunt to protect your reputation even at the expense of my own i come to warn you that c c the audience who are now in excellent spirits receive every with merriment till the end of the act long wait by a author it s too disgraceful it s a deliberate conspiracy to turn the piece into ridicule i never thought my own relations would turn against me and yet i might have known it wasn t th play they laughed at dear that s lovely but it s so acted you know author of course the acting is abominable but they might make for that it is so unfair the play proceeds heroine s jealousy has been excited by the villain for vague purposes of his own and tjie hero is trying to suspicions she but why are you constantly going from paris to london at tlie and call of that man he aside if only knew that i do it to shield my second cousin but my oath i cannot tell her to the reason is very simple darling he is my private secretary of daughter drowning the wife s expressions of perfect satisfaction and confidence the hero wants to go out the wife him to stay she has a of evil a dread of something u unknown he goes the villain enters in evening dress villain your husband is false to you meet me in half an hour at the lonely hut by the cross roads and you shall have proof of his guilt t te wife at once just as she is villain so my schemes prosper i have got joseph out of the way by his wife my early love to a lonely hut where my wait to seize her now to the child destroy the of which alone stands between me and a set fire to the home of my ancestors accuse joseph of all my crimes and take my seat in	44
the house of lords as the earl of ha ha a good night s work a good joseph from back not so i have heard all i will not have it you shall not c c villain you would my schemes joseph firmly i would my wife and child shall not c c villain slowly and the oath you swore to my mother your dying aunt would you break that v joseph overcome my oath my aunt ah no i cannot i not break it i am powerless you must do your evil will he sinks on a triumph of villain and curtain author i wouldn t have believed that a modern audience would treat heroic conduct like that as if it was it s enough to make one give up play writing altogether oh i wouldn t do dear you mustn t punish posterity the play goes on and on the villain and the hero with his deeds tlie hero is but at liberty in the next act the ninth and no reference whatever is made to the past old serious characters turn up again and are welcomed with delight at the end of a conversation lasting a quarter of an hour the maid remarks that her mistress has been very ill and must not talk too much cheers from audience general joy t ie villain returns a curtain about six and loud calls for author author nothing will induce me to take a call after the shameful way they ve behaved and it s all the fault of the acting when we get home ril read the play all through to you again and you ll see how it ought to have been done a hundred and twenty pounds simply thrown away consoled by her companion and the consciousness that true genius is invariably more pot from the park scene the park near gate on almost any fine afternoon behind tlie rails separating tjie turf from the and are holding forth for the of small groups who are mostly engaged in discussing some totally different subject a set debate with a time limit and a purely ornamental is in progress between a and an anti the reader will kindly imagine himself to be passing slowly along tlie line a youthful the usual crowd of well to do and working himself up to requisite white heat of fury and what are these i ll tell yer jest a lot o greedy and profit as eat up the smaller and what are you why youve the small fish as eat mud and let yourselves be the crowd accept this definition of with perfect gaiety and good some will tell yer that these lazy idle work as hard as what we do ourselves laughter at this ridiculous idea mind yer not saying they don t the they work the worse it is for us because the more they work the more they rob that s what they send their sons to oxford and to cambridge as was built and endowed for the benefit of us the classes for they send em there to learn ow to rob here a breaks out a and a spirit who with half a dozen interested have been putting heads together in a comer the no but keep to the point you re the question i want to argue this out on logical grounds i know as well as more pot from the park you do that if only i ave and a round table in my family i can make that table dance the but what fm to you is triumphantly ow does that prove to me as fm in communication with the man that s what you ve got to answer the y s we ate the as we ate sin why young as i ham the st elderly and earnest person all i can reply to you is we do not think we know that these phenomena appear yes as surely as i know i am this stick in my and the there you go again yer see that stick ain t the point can see the stick a stick ain t a phenomena you re two different things now i m goin to offer you a fair challenge you me a spirit not in a back room with the lights out but ere in broad daylight in this park you get that spirit to itself or whatever you call it and i ll believe in im come now a ah that s the way to corner is sort e knows e t do it the a smile of sad superiority ridicule ain t the discussion continues the young don t to me of patriotism what have the likes of you and me got to be patriotic about i m a i am and so long as a man round our glorious red here he waves a dingy scarlet rag on a stick it s all one to me whether his own colour is black green brown or white applause number one in the midst of a thrilling prose narrative about a certain who has apparently got into legal difficulties for having thrown a nut stick at a retired colonel i went into the court and there sure enough was my pore mate in the dock and there was hold whiskers laughter a setting on the bench along with the bother and and more nor ever prison ar he imitation of the voice and manner of a retired colonel y prison ar ave you to say in your and then hall of a sudden more from the park i a flash come into my dear s as he in the dock and gave the and then in a voice as sounded as true and sweet and dear as a bell he a dingy	44
and preacher well beloved friends as i was telling yer i went ome to the of that pious lady and she told me as ow she ad two dear sons an i knelt down c c an after that we ad our tea and then i preached a sermon ah i well remember i took my from c e an then she gave me supper more still as nice a bit o cold beef and ome ale as ever i wish to taste and i that blessed night in a warm comfortable bed and this drawing the inevitable moral this brings me round to what i started on inasmuch as it proves ith a forbidding smile as ow yer may sometimes a angel unawares more pot p our ri from the park number two giving his private version of ticket of leave man ap ny gentlemen is not a very nor recognition of my talent i will now with the the curtain rises upon the second three years ave elapsed since robert c we are in may lodgings she is to er if you boys don t give over and stand back you ll get a on some of your she i ve ad a letter from int this morning i and the bird puts his little ed a one side and a most seems as if he ended er mrs is outside may i come in i will now to give you a imitation of mrs he his hat rather more on one side to indicate and continues warmly is it to the point oi till that white an black tim that if he me more oi m in possession o the chair oi u down an call um to by um a on the number three w io is working his way through a poem with a hat on the ground before him and on came them with their breath as were the woman i to a and death ow could i save my from a on the below where the blow along of the sheep wildly i felt my was a i t a to lose he strains forward in agony with a stifled prayer and a gasp for air i here he suddenly becomes aware of an overlooked penny on tlie grass and it carefully in t ie hat before proceeding first discussing physical courage with a friend no i never ad no pluck i don t see the use of it myself on y you into rows candidly i m a coward i am his friend give us yer and yer can t be a coward than ne i more pot from the park the a p ith just pride been wan o the biggest in this or other city in me there s no oi d have put me but oi tell ye this if was to come up to me here now and ask me to um by the hand oi d say back ye d d scoundrel ah oi would that i orator to an embarrassed stranger on a seat before a impression that te is addressing a spell bound multitude i tell yer yes man and woman among yer here lie forward and touches his s right and left elbow im don t you go away under the impression i m talking of what i don t the stranger his leg and looks another way i speak sense don t i you never like this afore any of yer ave yer that s because i read between the lines waving his arm wildly an i want each man and boy of you to member my words and upon them when the time comes l here lie off with a proud and exalted air to the immense relief of his the scene grounds of an exhibition near an ingenious machine constructed to reveal the character and future of a person according to tlie colour of his or her hair for tlie small consideration of one penny a party of pleasure are examining it first pleasure a young lady of tlie name of put in a penny and get a summary of your character from the colour of your air i wonder what they ll have next second s admirer a faced young man with pink eyelids and flaming hair addressed as by his ah it s surprising how far they ve got it is and beginning with too aunt maria come on do you ion t want to waste no more time over that fourth s a youth with pale hair and a receding chin to his hadn t we better be making a move if we re going to ear the band i shall move on when i like without your leave no mistake oh m in no i only thought your aunt was getting but don t mind me does not mind him the funny man of the party old on a bit i ve got some i m going to this concern i ll put in for all of you it s my treat this is we ll begin with aunt maria what colour do you call your air now i don t see any marked colour aunt maria never t mind what colour my air is it s a pity you can t find a better use for your the loi a penny in a marked light brown ere goes the s working tlie machine a coloured card listen to what it says about aunt maria she is tender jest what i ve always said of her a little in her temper must be a in the machinery there i neither obstinate nor a from aunt maria at this her inclination to love never unreasonable ow like her i inclined to and sometimes mischievous you	44
giddy little thing up to all your little tricks this machine is fertile in imagination thoughtful and there s aunt maria for yer general chorus good old aunt maria i there s a prophecy on blue paper from napoleon s book of fate reads thy thee of a loss if thou thy money just when i was going to borrow a crown off of her too i aunt maria ah i didn t want no machine for that w you can such don t know characters by the colour of your air indeed it s told mine all wrong anyhow well you see your air s so natural it would deceive any machine movement on part of aunt maria put in for next da i want to hear what it says about him they don t keep his colour in stock afraid o losing their policy red or s the nearest they can get to it he puts in a penny in the red here s old reads the gentleman with long red hair is of a restless disposition constantly keep your eye on him impatient and fiery in temper old im two of yer but for all that is kind and loving you needn t old him it s all right he is passionately fond of the fair sex what all of em i m ashamed of yer he is inclined to timidity oo d ha thought it but by reflection may correct it and pass for a man of courage you start reflecting at once old chap t to if don t mind what he s about he ll go too far some day i he breathes hard then thinks better of it t he now it s s turn leave you out couldn t think of it brown air s is he puts in a penny a lady with air of a medium brown colour long and smooth is your air long though pride i should hope so i can set on it that s nothing so can aunt maria set on with a glance at very candid front you eh if you make an effort aunt maria z a dignity i ll thank you to have the goodness to drop your mr it s out of place and not appreciated i can assure you she walks away surprised why there s aunt maria got the for a little thing like that i let me finish with reads she is of an intellectual turn of mind ear earl from very fond of reading takes in regular steadfast in her engagements firing up well have you anything to say against that you d better take care mr i only thinking sure you haven t been this machine ah it tells you some ome truths here although inquisitive and fond of into the secrets of others now however did it know that it isn t there you re making it up she us the card reads it and tears it up temper temper never mind now we ll try what s his shade of air i should say about the colour of spoilt ay if i was asked temper you re not asked so you needn t give your opinion well keep j r air on my dear girl and we ll call s fair reading card a gentleman with this colour of hair will be in his occupation a shame i m sure he isn t are you smiles vaguely the not given to rambling except in his ed very moderate in his wishes his mind much given to reflection inclined to be tempered and when aroused ere somebody rouse quick to use mustn t use em ere but if reasonably dealt with is soon appeased pat his ed will yer has plenty of humour here feebly don t he look it too should study his diet that means his and he works ard enough at that he has a combination of good commercial talents which if directed according to the reflection of the sentiments will make him tolerably well off in this world s goods puzzled what s it about now oh it on y means he s likely to do well in the cats meat line now for your fortune it will be through marriage that your future will be brightened pleased lor think o that think twice of it my boy now we ll be off and get a drink wait we haven t got character yet mr oh mine they couldn t give that for a penny too good yer know if they haven t got it it s more likely they re afraid it would break the machine i m going to put in for you under black she does here we are reads the gentleman will be much given ta liquor found out first time you see mr annoyed come no now drop all that somewhat and of an unsettled temper more and less attentive in his und and consequently meets with many disappointments such gentlemen now you listen to this mr will now know their weaknesses which should induce them to take steps to improve themselves ear ear t from the rest of the party knowledge is power and us to overcome many obstacles we otherwise should have fallen prey to this is your fortune thou art warned to be careful what thou well they do seem to know you i must say in a white rage i tell you what it is miss you appear to me to be turning a joke into a for making nasty and i for one am not going to put up with it whatever others may i so not being partial to being turned into and made to look a fool la company til leave you to spend	44
the rest of the evening by yourselves and wish you a very good night he turns upon his and leaves t lie party with mild regret it do seem a pity though so pleasant as we were together till this come up and s aunt maria gone off in a too we shall have a job to find er now and oh do hold your tongues both of you you and your machines i and our machines why we never and if you say one word more either of you we ll go home rf follow them meekly in search of aunt maria as the scene in hair cutting and a sketch in a hair s saloon scene a small but well appointed saloon with tjie usual as the scene opens its only occupants are a assistant and a customer with a more than ordinarily sympathetic manner the assistant no sir we re free to go the minute the clock strikes we ve no clearing up or of that sort to do not bein required to any duties of a nature sir ed a little more to the left sir sundays i gen ally go up the river i m a member of a association i don t do any to mention but i jest carry a rod in my and railway ny takes at reduced you see sir no sir don t stay ere all day long sometimes the nor sends out to wait on parties at their own pleasant change sir ah you re right there sir there s one lady as lives in sir i ve been to do her air many a time he sighs i did like on r sir a beautiful woman she is too with er face so white ah her name is and her a she was an once sir but she give that up when she married told me she d ad to work ard all her life to support her ma and she did think after she was married she was goin to enjoy herself but she t i ah she was a nice lady sir she d got her air in a it took me three weeks to get it right i showed her three ways of up her air and she says to me what a clever young man you are her very words sir the ends of your moustache sir sir yes she was a woman she ad three in the room with er i io hair and enjoyed going there sir yes sir ain t been for ever a while now sir i did think of again and i d forgot a comb sir but i done that once and i m afraid it wouldn t do twice would it sir sixteen her number a sweet number sir or sir and i know er maid and her man too oh she keeps a grand sir observing that the sympathetic customer is gradually growing red in the face and getting hysterical too tight for you sir allow me thank you sir here two fresh customers enter ready for you in one moment gentlemen the other assistant is downstairs his tea but he ll be up directly the two fresh customers watch one another suspiciously after the manner of the who is elderly his hat and an abundance of strong hair which he complacently in a mirror the second a younger many seems reluctant to until absolutely obliged to do so the customer to the other customer as his natural self satisfaction his reserve how fast one s hair does grow it s not three weeks since i had a close crop great nuisance eh the other customer with evident embarrassment er oh yes quite so i i dare say he takes up a back number of and reads the with deep interest meanwhile the assistant has bowed out the sympathetic customer and a bell a assistant appears still bread and butter the second customer his hat revealing a crown and thereby causing surprise and a distinct increase of complacency in the gentleman who himself to the assistant the bald customer sinks into the chair indicated by the feeling and conscious that lie is not affording a fair scope for that gentleman s professional talent the other assistant appears to take a reflected pride in his subject hair and the ass to the customer remarkable how some parties do keep their air sir now yours a a glance at the bald customer s image in the mirror yours grows quite remarkable strong do you use any think for it now the c not i leave that to those who are not so well protected the ass i was on y wondering if you d been applying our sir that s all there s the gentleman next door to here z he is and if you ll believe me he was as bald as a robin and he d only tried it a fortnight when his ed come out all over the c what eh the ass no sir like on a brush but you can afford to b laugh sir i the sat ass to the bald customer with withering deference much off sir the b c weakly thinking to by making light of his infirmity well there isn t much on is there the s a taking a mean advantage well sir it wouldn t be a very long job all the airs on your ed i severely as one him for carelessness you ave been your air puts me in mind of what the poet says in oh what a off if you ll excuse me sir the b c with a sensitive oh don t i m used to it you know the s a ah sir they do say the wind s tempered to the lamb so as he can t	44
see as others see im but what you ought to ave is a little make em so as you couldn t tell it from natural air now a days t u bald customer this the ass to his subject know mr paris of the theatre sir e s ad to call in our nor sir is air s off sir dreadful sir the nor s been wash on his ed io hair cutting and the c ha poor b wash doing it any good the ass that i can t tell you sir but it as very agreeable perfume vou l in your the s a i think i ve taken off about as much as you spare sir t hair and the c with a note of triumph look here you know there s a lot more to come off here won t be missed eh the ass no sir youve an uncommon thick ed of i mean of course i the s a if you ll take my advice you ll ave yours sir the b c why think it s any use the s a no doubt of that sir look at the way they a s legs t ie bald customer convinced by this argument the c no or any nonsense of that sort for me mind they are simultaneously the b c from his basin th that s c cold enough thanks the c from his here colder than that as cold as you can make it don t care the b c drying his face meekly on a a a a brush please not the machine the s a no sir machine brush would about sweep all the air your ed sir the c machinery for me and your hardest brush do you hear together to shall i put anything on your ed their live like anything on your air sir the b c hopelessly oh i don t know that it s much good the s a well you may as well keep what little you ave got sir like to try our capital thing sir known it answer in the most cases keep it in crown or three and sizes can i ave the pleasure of you up a three and one sir t ie bald customer up moral courage to decline at which the assistant appears disgusted with him no sir much obliged sir let me see with a touch of sarcasm you part your air a one side i think sir brush your at sir sir pay at the counter you please shop there no hair and the ass think your air s as you like it now sir like to look at yourself in a and glass sir thank you sir bald customer puts on his hat with and instantly his self respect sufficiently to cast a defiant glare upon his rival and walk out with dignity the customer after prolonged self inspection follows two are left alone the ass pretty proud of his air that party eh notice how i tumbled to him the s a with superiority i heard you o course but as always you you don t do it delicate enough when youve been in the profession as long as i have and seen as much of human nature you ll begin to understand how important it is to ave tact now you never me stoop to flattery nor yet over familiarity and yet you can see for yourself i manage without nobody s feelings however that s tact that is i the race scene the terrace in front of hall which the have taken for the summer time an august afternoon miss a young lady with great energy a talent for organization has insisted upon all the guests taking part in a race the rev the local to mr after uneasily regarding miss as she shakes up some pieces of folded paper in a hat can you give me any idea of the precise nature of this amusement er nothing resembling a gambling transaction i suppose or i really mr well vm given to understand that we shall each be expected to take an animal of some sort and drive it along with a string tied to its leg sounds childish to me the relieved oh exactly i see most entertaining tm sure he what wonderful ingenuity one sees in do we not indeed yes miss i ve all the animals now presenting the hat mr will you draw first the oh really am i to take one of these charmed he draws now i wonder what my fate opening paper the monkey his face falls is there a monkey here dear me how very interesting dick of h m s brought him over my last from no end of a jolly little beast like the like you know miss to her cousin now dick i won t have you taking away poor s character like that he s only bitten and the race well there was the gardener s boy but i m sure he him you won t him will you mr the i i shouldn t dream of it miss on the contrary i to himself was it quite discreet to let myself be drawn into this shall i not risk lowering my office by publicly myself with a a monkey i feel certain the would strongly dick to colonel drawn your animal yet sir the colonel yes i have and i wish kept out of this infernal why the mischief don t they leave a man in peace and on a hot afternoon like this here am i out of a comfortable seat to go and drive a confounded white rabbit sir call it the pardon me colonel	44
but if you object to the rabbit i would not at all mind undertaking it and you could take my monkey the colonel thanks but i won t deprive you a rabbit is quite responsibility enough for me the to himself disappointed he s afraid of a poor harmless monkey and he an army man too but i see why miss oh mr it ridiculous they ve given me a it makes me feel too young the eagerly if you would prefer a a more appropriate animal there s a monkey which i am sure to himself as miss g turns away indignantly this monkey doesn t seem very popular there must be some one here who i ll try the american lady they are generally eccentric to mrs k i hope fortune has been kind to you mrs mrs well i don t know there are that can trot faster over the measured mile than a and that s my animal the with sympathy dear me i that is a trial indeed for you but if you would prefer something rather more exciting i should be most happy i m sure to exchange my monkey dick bustling up what s that no no mrs the race be true to your i tell you he s going to in s tip don t you know i ve backed you to win or a place i say what do you think ve drawn the mutton just my luck i it me too t the er mr just come this way a moment i ve a proposition to make it s occurred to me that the monkey would feel more at home with you and in short i mr to miss i race shouldn t have minded any other animal but to be off with a goose miss you re better off than am at all events i ve got a mr have you after a pause happy miss c he ll be anything but a happy if he doesn t win mr oh but he s sure to i know i would if was your i miss c i m not so sure of that don t they lodge objections or something for mr can anybody inform me whether i m d to go and catch my because i ll be hanged if the oh miss it s all mr thinks that it would be better if he undertook the monkey himself so we ve arranged to miss oh nonsense dick i can t have you taking advantage of mr s good nature like that what s the use of drawing lots at all if you don t keep to them of course mr will keep the monkey the unfortunate lot with christian resignation dick well but i say where s my mutton s and what s to be the course the course is straight up the avenue from the lodge to the house and i ve told them to get all the beasts down there ready for us so we d better go at once the start the my dear miss tell her not to my s head every time he his poor nose out it isn t fair and it s all his enthusiasm now colonel it isn t the s fault you know your rabbit began it i hi hold on a bit my mutton wants to lie down t the race i kick it up old chap your goose is dragging her anchor again back her engines a bit or there ll be a foul miss i i really think this monkey is quite well his teeth are chattering in such a very all right only his nasty temper jerk the beggar s chain more than tliat chorus of spectators at lodge gates my word i wonder what next the gentry be up to i dew ain t miss of en about now she s started en they ain t not allowed to go of en got to go just the want lor the is his n in among the well if i did that along don t he don t seem com fable along o that monkey i ll back the young sailor keeps that sheep he do there s the hold on a bust now well well these be fine s for ah and no mistake make old sir stare if he was ere st r the colonel to his which will do nothing but round and round hint stop that will you you little fool t do you want to trip me up of all the dashed nonsense i ever mrs my colonel you do seem to have got hold of a pretty kind of a rabbit too the colonel looking round well you aren t getting much pace out of your either if it comes to that mrs he puts in most of his time in for rest and refreshment i m beginning to believe that old fable s a fraud anyway it s my opinion this isn t going to beat any hare unless it s a one dick in front as his sheep to crop tlie turf in a leisurely manner we ve not pulled up only lying to to take in supplies we re going ahead directly there what did i tell you now she s the in the rear little then there there quietly now miss what does it mean when it like that i wonder if i let go the chain mr his goose towards miss it s no use can t keep this beast from off the course ii the race miss c do keep it away from my at all events i it will him and he s perfectly happy my shoe he s found out there s	44
to his friend oh of course i ll wait if you want to see it not got a penny let me see yes can lend you one he does the penny is put in nothing happens out of order i suppose scandalous and nobody to speak to about it most stop what s this a sort of beat is audible inside the prison the c p beams that s the bell it s all right it s working another spectator very well done that but they it over a little too quick i scarcely saw the man at all his companion put in another penny and p you ll see him cut down old chap i be ore the mechanical models before the fairy fortune s jane to her soldier oh ain t that pretty i should like to know what my fortune is she feels in her pocket the soldier who of useless expenditure ain t you put in enough jane this is the last reads directions oh you ve got to set the finger on the dial to the question you want answered and then put your penny in what shall i ask her soldier any one would think you meant to go by the answer to hear you talk jane p i do as she sets the index to a printed question now you mustn t look i won t ave you see what i ask soldier i don t want to look i tell yer it s nothing to me jane but you are looking i saw you a and deeply interested crowd around soldier honour bright i ain t seen nothing are you going to be all night over this ere jane puts in a penny blushing and a faint musical is heard from the case and the little begin to in a solemn and mystic fashion growing of crowd a bower falls aside revealing a small on which a sentence is inscribed person in crowd reading slowly over jane s shoulder e is worthy of your love crowd delighted that s worth a penny to know ain t it miss your mind s easy now it s the soldier she was ah v ought to feel satisfied too after that c confusion of jane soldier as he with s j well yer know there s in these things when all s said before the mechanical models in departing a pleased pleasure ah that s something h ke that i ve seen the and the man with the and a execution and a child they do make you yer know second p p yes it s a pity the rest o the exhibition ain t more the same style to my thinking a critic well they don t seem to me to ave much to do with anything naval his companion why it comes under machinery don t it you re so particular you are wouldn t touch a glass o beer ere unless it was with salt water i suppose well come on then there s a bar i they for refreshment at the wild west a sketch at earl s court the orator s opening discourse as heard in the back rows ladies and gentlemen i desire to draw your attention to an important fact it will be my pleasure to introduce to you the real american equally famous in paris and london each packet from in history and life of the bill puzzle one penny v from another behind impress one fact upon your minds this is not roar and rattle of passing train in the ordinary or common of puff i from engine many persons have said piercing and prolonged scream from same engine this is not so on the contrary from men and animals are opera glasses on hire purely the creatures of remainder of remarks hopelessly lost amidst the of chains and from engine an old lady in audience he has such a beautiful clear voice we ought to hear every word if were bill i should positively insist on the trains keeping quiet while the orator was speaking orator during the grand review a troop of indians band strikes up a party of painted indians gallop into uttering little like an artistic lady shuddering look at that creature with a raw pink body and a green it s too frightful and such crude at the wild west i wish they could be taught to paint themselves some decent colour her sister really dear as far as decency is concerned i don t exactly see what difference the mere colour would make her husband that isn t quite what meant she d like to em all in art shades and liberty round em like or chairs eh oh my dear henry i wasn t speaking to you i know what a contempt you have for all that makes a home beautiful henry meaning indians my love i respect them and admire them at a distance but plain or coloured i cannot admit that they would be as furniture even drawing room him in silence orator a party of women of the tribe three mounted indian ladies in blankets walk their horses slowly round the aye hi with every sign of enjoying t own performance a poetical lady what strange wild singing it is john there s something so about it somehow john a but frivolous person there is indeed it explains thing i never quite understood before though the poetical lady i thought it would impress you but what does it explain i john the reason why the in those parts has so entirely died out a rigid matron during tjie train scene i don t care to see a girl ride in that bold way myself i m sure it must be so for them and what is she about now	44
with that man they re actually having a with on horseback too not at all a nice thing for any young girl to do there she s pulled out a pistol and shot him and galloped off as if nothing had happened i have always heard that american girls were allowed a good deal of liberty but i d really no idea they went as far as this i should be sorry indeed to see any girl of mine she glances at three and west faced daughters acting in that forward and most manner but fm very sure there s no fear of that is there daughters with gratifying any desire to shoot strange gentlemen on horseback a boy as tjie indians attack train will the indians anybody uncle his uncle no my boy they don t let em get near enough for that you see the indians are chased off by the boy disappointed they d a splendid chance of the orator that time and not one of them even saw it orator captain jack of the united states army will now give you an example of his lightning the captain takes up his position with an air of fierce and proceeds to do things with a rifle and fixed n hich he treats with a familiarity on contempt a lady to a military friend as the captain tjie rifle rapidly round his have you ever seen any one like that before the mil f saw do something very like it at the empire but he had a cannon ball as well the lady look at him now he s the gun down with the on the palm of his hand could you do that the mil f not without a hole in myself the lady it really is wonderful that he shouldn t feel the point isn t it now the mil f well i don t see much point in it myself but so long as it him i dare say it s all right tjie captain the gun in the air and at the double feeling that his country s safety is secure for the present baker the young american appears and his skill in shooting down at the wild west the rigid matron he missed one that he s not quite such a good shot as the girl was one of the daughters oh but mother you forget miss didn t stand on her the r m in an awful voice am perfectly aware of that so pray don t make such unnecessary remarks in confusion an spectator as master baker after rubbing his forehead a under the mat where his head been now how very odd i he found a brick in exactly the same place at the wild west when i was here before some one must a grudge against him poor boy but he ought to look before he stands on his head next time mr carelessly to his wife as the coach is introduced it would be rather fun to have a ride in the coach new experience and all that mrs t who doesn t intend him to go oh do be careful then mr t feeling quite the my dear what is there to be careful about mrs t it does look such a old thing it might break down accidents do happen so quickly mr t reflecting that they certainly do oh if it wasn t perfectly safe they wouldn t mrs t well promise me if you go on the box to hold on tight round the corners then mr t who doesn t see much to hold on by i shan t go on the box i shall go inside mrs t there t be room there are several people waiting to go already you ll have to make haste to get a seat at all i shall be miserable till i see you safe back again i mr t who is not sure he doesn t her feelings oh well if you feel like that about it i won t mrs t oh y y do i want you to go it will be so exciting for you to see real indians yelling and shooting all round mr t thinking that it may be more exciting than pleasant might bring on one of my and there ll be such a smell of too i hardly think after all it s worth while mrs t if you feel in the least nervous about it mr t this indignantly then go at once you may never have the chance again only don t stay talking about it go mr t pulling together very well if you really wish it confound it most really sits down relieved they ve started it s all your fault if you hadn t kept me here talking at the west mrs t humbly i am so sorry but there s another performance in the evening we might dine here and then you could easily go on the coach afterwards if you re so anxious to i mr t and sit through the show twice in one day no good as it is i really and i ve some letters i must write after dinner too mrs t smiles to herself satisfied at having point theatre a sketch at the exhibition at the crystal palace scene the exterior of tlie music room in the egyptian the time is about eight a t now on inside the a small crowd is waiting for the door to be opened a cautious man comes up to with the air of a fox examining a trap the cautious man to the how long can i stay in for sixpence the ten minutes sir the c m only ten minutes eh but look here how do i know there ll be anything	44
going on while i m in there you ll find out that from the instruments sir the c m ah i dare say but what mean is suppose there s nothing to tear between the acts and all that ny there s a performance on while you re in the room sir the c m yes but all these other people waiting to get in how m i to know i shall get place outraged look ere sir we re the national ny with a reputation to lose and if you ve any we want to you all i can tell w is stop outside the c m suddenly subdued oh er all right thought i d make you know sixpence isn t it he passes into the and the crowd a comic man in an to his that s a careful theatre that is know the value o money lie does it ll have to be a precious scientific sort o that takes im in he ll ave his if it bursts the machine they re letting us in now the door is slightly from within y causing an expectant movement in crowd the door is closed again a superior young lady to her admirer i just caught a glimpse of the people inside they were all sitting holding things like opera glasses up to their ears they did look so ridiculous her admirer well it s about time they gave us a chance of looking ridiculous their ten minutes must be up now i ve been trying to think what this put me in mind of know outside the pit doors doesn t it you the sup y l languidly for the benefit of the do they make you wait like this for the pit her admirer do they make you wait why weren t you and i three quarters of an hour getting into the the other evening the sup y l annoyed with him i don t see any necessity to it out like that if we were the windows are thrown back revealing persons inside reluctantly tearing away from their as the door opens there is a frantic rush to get places an attendant soothingly don t crush ladies and gentlemen plenty of room for all take your time the crowd stream and eagerly on chairs and the usual family waste precious minutes in trying to get seats together and get separated in the end persons from one side to another gradually they all settle down and stop their ears with the the prevailing expression being one of anxiety combined with conscious and nervous people catch tlie eye of complete strangers across the table and are seized with suppressed an irritable person finds himself between the comic man and a old gentleman s theatre the comic man to his e putting the to his ear can t get my to yet shakes it fit wake em up puts the ot ter to his mouth are you there look alive witli that show o yours nor we ain t got long to stop to listen and reply if you give me any of your cheek i ll come down and punch your applies a to his eye all right they ve begun i can see the s legs be quiet can t you i can t hold the steady if you will keep making me laugh so listening oh i can hear singing can t you isn t it lovely the com m it seems to me there s a or something got inside mine i can ear im the p angrily to himself how the deuce do they expect and infernal organ in the has just started again they ought to send out and stop it the o g touching his elbow i beg your pardon sir but can you inform me what opera it is they re performing at the seems to be just finishing a song wonderful how one can hear it all i the p snapping very wonderful indeed under the circumstances he both ears with the it s too bad now there s a confounded string band beginning eh what more angrily than ever why it s in the thing he with the in trying to them at last he after listening intently is rewarded by hearing a muffled and ghostly voice apparently from the of the earth say ha say you so then am i indeed the in the whole of land the o g him how very distinctly you hear the dialogue sir don t you the irritable person without removing the turns and at him savagely without producing slightest impression another ghostly voice very audibly the devil you do theatre a careful mother put them down at once do you hear can t have you listening to such language why it s only at mother ghostly voices and sounds tis they reach the irritable person you cursed scoundrel so it was you who the was how very you thb dialogue sir don t you it stand back there i ll every in his sounds of a a loud female scream and firing what liave you done the ch o g have you any sort of idea what he has done sir to tlie irritable person the p no sir and i m not likely to have as long as he with fierce determination first ghostly voice stop i hear me i can ex second do do i will hear nothing i tell theatre first do do you shall you must i listen i am the only of your the ch o g as before i think it must be a and not an opera after all from the language an innocent matron is listening with eyes devoutly fixed on tlie of tlie under the firm conviction	44
that site is in direct communication with tlie theatre i always understood the was a musical piece my dear didn t you and even as it is they don t seem to keep very close to the words as far as i can follow ghostly voices the irritable person s ear as before your wife yes my wife and the only woman in the world i ever loved the p pleased to himself come now i m getting accustomed to it i can hear i the voices then why have you i will tell you all twenty five years ago when a in the i a still small voice in everybody s ear time everybody dropping tlie startled where did that come from the com m they ve been and cut it off at the main just when it was getting interesting his well i can t say i made out much of the plot myself the com m i made out enough to cover a sixpence anyhow you didn t expect the to explain it all to you goin along and give you between the acts did you i the ch o g up to tlie irritable person as he is moving out marvellous strides science has made of late sir almost incredible i declare to you while i was sitting there i positively felt inclined to ask myself the question the p allow me to say sir that another time if you will obey that inclination and put the question to yourself instead of other people theatre you will be a more desirable neighbour in a room than i confess i found you he turns on his heel indignantly the ch o g to himself what people one does come across at times now i m always ready to talk to anybody i am don t care who they are well well he walks on musing art in the city a sketch in the gallery at the the gallery is crowded and t is the peculiar in the air that popular interest and curiosity t ie majority of t ie visitors are of the feminine sex and appear to have come up from semi detached in the less fashionable but is also a of smart and superior persons prosperous city merchants who regard pictures with respect as a paying young commercial men whose feeling for art is not precisely passionate but have turned in to pass the time because the exhibition is earnest youths with long hair soft hats and c c before s drowned martyr first villa resident such a death like expression isn t it second yes indeed and beautifully her s done third will those two men on the bank be the should you think fourth doubtfully it says in the catalogue that they re two christians an intelligent child then why don t they jump in and pull her out mother t ie child is a languid young lady is that intended for f the rest regard her with shocked mingled with pity before passing on art in the city before s family first matter of fact person they re just come back from the funeral i expect second i shouldn t wonder feels bound to show art in the city she too can be observant yes they re all in mourning even the servant do you see the black ribbon in her cap do like that an person it s just a little melancholy though don t you think which reminds me how much did you say that jet was a yard three her friend at the shop in st paul s churchyard the child has her frock open at the top behind you see evidently a poor family the i p yes and the work basket with the of cotton and all looking suddenly down don t you call this a handsome carpet a frivolous frenchman fresh from the casual ward and the martyr to his companion mon des he passes on with a shrug a good young man with a train of three maiden in tow halting them before a picture of sir f now you ought to look at this one they inspect it with it represents a knight in riding through a forest and surrounded by first maiden aunt is that a one of those girls is playing or what second a more likely it looks like mother o pearl is it supposed to be king arthur and are they or angels robert the g y m a little at sea himself and the maids the title is third aunt scolding the elements scolding them robert robert in her ear and the maids i it s a legend aunt aunt severely then it s a pity they can t find better subjects to paint in my opinion they move on to mr s dear me that young man looks dreadfully poorly to be sure art in the city robert loudly he s not poorly aunt he s a he s supposed to be quoting from catalogue thinking out a composition imagining an effect with the occasional help of an organ first aunt i see the organ plain enough but where s the effect robert well you wouldn t see that you know he only it second aunt oh yes i see subject to poor man i i thought he looked as if he wanted some one to look after him first loyal old lady reading from catalogue no lent by her majesty the queen second lent by her majesty my dear oh i don t want to miss that which is it where i she to regard it a special and interest among the pre painters matter of fact person to friend here s a you see drowning herself the friend who doesn t approve of suicide yes dear very peculiar but i don t	44
quite like it i must say do you remember whether i told to put out the fiddle pattern forks and the best stand before i came away dear mr is coming in to supper to night and i want everything to be nice for him the good young man there s again you see for an appropriate remark she ah evidently understood the art of first aunt she looks almost too comfortable in the water think her mouth s open as if she was singing second aunt yes but those wild roses are very naturally and so are her teeth a person i like it all but the r a well informed person there s the dream of d ye see no the figure of here he is down below having his that s the dream in that cloud and up above you get the dream done life size queer sort of idea isn t it art in the city a ponderous person finding himself in front of the of rest ha what are those two up to his companion digging their own graves i think the pond p with a supreme mental effort oh eh goes out that lie has sacrificed at the shrine of art sufficiently for one afternoon young to young before and something out of shakespeare here you see young giving a attention wants his hair don t he not much in my line this sort of subject young nor yet mine takes too much time making it out y know this ain t bad is that the way they get up linen over there young turn who has done italy pretty much by way of excuse for t they re very al out in those parts y know here s a market place in italy next to it yes that s just like they are they bring out all those old and and baskets twice a week and clear em all off again next day so that you d hardly know they d been there i young i see after style young turn well something that way only rather different style y know before the an lady ah yes it is wonderfully painted isn t it lovely the way that figured silk is done you can hardly tell it isn t real and the coat he s wearing such an exquisite shade of violet and the ivy leaves and the and the old red brick yes it s very beautiful and yet do you know i almost think it s prettier in the before the a this is the wheel of you see reads sad but inexorable the figure turns the wheel the art in the city king once uppermost is now beneath his slave while beneath the king is seen the head of the poet his w io would be charming if she would not try against nature to be funny it s a kind of giddy go round then i suppose or is it jones s idea of a revolution don t you see revolving who makes a practice even already of these it s only an way of representing that the slave s turn has come to triumph well i don t see that he has much to triumph about he s tied on like the rest of them and it must be just as uncomfortable on the top of that wheel as the bottom her is thrown away upon her and to take her into the hall and show her and a niece to an impenetrable relative whom she plants like a heavy j of in front of a canvas there aunt what do you think of that now the aunt after solemnly staring at it with a conscientious effort to it in well my dear i must say it it s very she is taken as hopeless at the s a sketch on saturday scene a s shop in a fashionable west end close to the window is a counter the usual and y laden with an of richly decorated and presided over by an alert and short tempered the little tables arc close and crowded with customers the majority of whom are ladies a couple of are endeavouring with but indifferent success to satisfy everybody at once cries from customers yes two and roll and butter no i mean one roll and butter and two have i ordered why the last time you said it was coming directly isn t that ready j we shall never catch our train i say i ordered coffee and cakes a quarter of an hour ago and all got yet is two empty cups and a bowl of sugar i do make haste with that tea i didn t say a of tea i said pot of tea as plain as c of yes sir attend to you in one moment are you the cup of tea madam oh i ll bring you a fork for your directly there ll be some milk coming in a minute sir bread no sir you can have a roll and butter or cakes if you prefer them excuse me madam when i ve done attending to this lady no sir it was the other young lady who took your order not me would you mind letting me have the milk if you ve finished with it madam we re rather short of them i ll see if i can get you a sir c c y the all in one breath any stops now at the s miss don t you see these cups standing here ready to be taken and there s that gentleman in the corner waiting to be attended to and tell mrs we shall want more milk and there put out those fancy cakes	44
yes that s true then suppose we go and see the now we re so near they don t close till six mr to it would have been jolly but half a crown when i can t even run to a catalogue no aloud it it s getting so dark can t do em justice by artificial light do you think and well to tell you the honest truth after the old masters you know i i don t feel and i have seen them you know miss c l i thought you might have cared to see them again with me but it doesn t in the least matter i don t care about this cake you got me it s dull i think i shall leave it and one of these white and green ones instead she does mr to himself with a broke and for an extra as likely as not she hasn t even got her purse with her and she ll think i m so mean why on earth didn t i let her go to the bread shop as she wanted it would have been all right then at the s miss c l i m afraid you re rather bored you don t seem to be enjoying yourself quite do you mr in agony oh i am i m all right only i i m always like this after the old masters you know miss c l so sorry i made you bring me don t you think we had better pay and go home mr to himself now for it he himself ter w w what have i to pay please two one two six cakes you ve had i think sir one and altogether mr with a gasp oh he up front his pocket i i m sorry to say that i i ve o only one shilling and with a start of intense relief half a sovereign so with recovered dignity i m afraid i must ask you to give me change to miss c l i i was only joking about the darling i d like to see them awfully with you and we can walk home through the park or take a cab afterwards just z feel about it do say you ll come miss graciously and mr follows out of the shop with restored y as scene in choosing christmas toys a sketch in the between the sloping banks of toys and under a dense foliage of coloured and the stream of custom slowly along with an occasional into the of the shops behind while the stall keep up a and almost of invitation fond grandmother so you ve chosen a box of soldiers have you very well now what shall we get for little and baby promptly another box of soldiers would do nicely for and know a fort for baby doubtfully but they re such little they won t know how to play with them oh but i can teach them you know that s right i like to see a boy kind to his little sisters she master s disinterested suggestion a mother now it s all nonsense you can t want any more toys those you ve got are as good as new to friend he s such a boy for taking care of his things he ll hardly trust his toys out of their boxes and won t allow any one else to touch them i the friend dear little fellow then i m sure he deserves to be given a new toy for being so careful the mother well he ll give me no peace till i do buy him something i know but mind this it s only to keep you quiet and i m not going to buy anything to friend he gives all his things away as it is master takes both these valuable moral lessons to heart choosing christmas toys mrs to her less prosperous sister in law mrs nonsense i won t hear of it i has more toys already than be knows what to do with mrs bloom of course my dear i know your children are born to every but still i have no one but myself you know and if i might it would be such a pleasure i mrs i have already told you there is not the slightest occasion for your spending your money in any such foolish manner i hope that is enough mrs bloom i m sure he would like one of these little water carts now wouldn t you mrs buy him one by all means he will probably take the colour out of my new carpets with it but of course of no consequence to f mrs bloom oh dear i quite forgot your beautiful carpets no to be sure that might but one of those little butcher s shops now they re really quite cheap mrs s always thought was a question of what a person could afford mrs bloom but i can afford it dear thanks to dear john s and and yours mrs s you mustn t thank me i had nothing to do with it i warned john at the time that it would only and it seems i was right and has a butcher s shop a really good one already in fact i couldn t tell you what he hasn t got can though aunt i haven t got a train for one thing to his mother as she him on i should like a little tin train to go by on rails so do let what s she staying behind for mrs bloom catching them up and	44
and placing it on table but you re making fun of me gravely no indeed nobody makes fun at mr would not understand it window ah here is opening door you will stay to supper will you not and i will tell them to give us some little extra dish hanging up his hat in the many thanks his may i come in comes in puts down his stick sits down and looks about and how do you and get on together eh ever since your sister went mad and jumped into the mill race we have been as happy as i two little birds together after a sitting in hair so you really mind my living here all alone with we were afraid you might perhaps why how on earth on the contrary i shouldn t object at all if you at her h m interrupting gravely for shame how can you make such jokes as if surprised jokes we do not joke in these parts but here is enter gently and so my dear old friend you have come again after a year s absence sits down we almost thought that mr pocket so miss west was saying but you are quite mistaken i merely thought i might remind you if i came of our poor s suicide so i kept away we are not without our simple tact it was considerate but unnecessary i miss west and i often allude to the incident do we not strikes oh yes indeed lighting lamp whenever we feel a little more cheerful than usual you dear good people up the room i came because the spirit of revolt has crept into my school a secret society has for weeks in the lower third i to day it has come to my knowledge that a trap was prepared for me by the hand of my own son and i then discovered that a hair had been inserted in my cane by my daughter the only way in which a can combat this and spirit is to start a newspaper and i thought that you as a weak inexperienced and kind of man were the very person to be the editor softly as if to herself up and sits down again with a look at tell him now returning the look i can t some other evening well perhaps to i can t be your editor because in a low voice i i am on the side of and looks from one to the other gloomily h m mr pocket yes since we last met i have changed my views i am going to create a new and awaken it to its true task of making all the people of this country by their wills and their minds what do you mean takes up his hat bowing his head i don t quite know my friend it was i should say miss west s scheme h m a suspicion appears in his ace now i begin to believe that what said about schemes no matter but under the circumstances i will not stay to supper takes up his stick a nd walks out i told you he would be annoyed i shall go to bed now i don t want any supper re lights a and goes out presently his footsteps are rd overhead as he a hell rope to madam who enters with dishes no mr will not have supper to night in a lighter perhaps he is afraid of the nightmare there are so many sorts of white horses in this world madam lord lord that miss west the things she does say goes out through door knitting as curtain falls act second x s study doors and windows a door with curtain to s bedroom discovered in a smoking jacket cutting a with a there is a knock at the door says in enters in a morning v and curl papers she sits on a chair dose to b and looks over his shoulder as he cuts hie leaves b is shown up lays his hat on the table and looks at from head to i am really afraid that i am in the way ii surprised because i am in my and you forget that i am she leaves them and behind curtain in s bedroom yes miss west and i have worked our way forward in faithful shakes his head at him slowly i so i perceive miss west is naturally inclined to be forward but i say really you know however i came to tell you that poor was not so mad as she looked though flowers did her so off his gloves she jumped into the mill race because she had an idea that you ought to marry miss west mr pocket half up from his chair i marry miss west my good gracious i don t it is mast incomprehensible looks before him how can people looks a him for a then rises will you get out still quiet and self restrained but first tell me why you never mentioned this before why because i thought you were both which made all the now i know that you side with and and mean to make the into and i intend to make it hot for you in my paper good morning he the door spite as enters from bed room as if surprised you in my bedroom you have been listening dear but you are so j taking off his gloves ah well so our pure and beautiful friendship has been just because you wear a morning and have lived here alone for a year people with coarse souls and eyes make unpleasant remarks but what really did drive mad why did she jump into the mill race i m sure we did everything we could to spare	44
her i made it the business of my life to keep her in ignorance of all our interests did n t t now you did but why brood over it what does it matter on with your great beautiful task dear aj him behind winning over minds and wills and creating you know joyful walking about as if in yes i know i have never laughed in the whole course of my life we don t and so i felt that i mr pocket spreading gladness and light and making the joyful was properly my mission but now i feel too upset to go on unless shakes hia head yes an idea has just occurred to m o looks her and then runs hia hands through hia hair oh my goodness no i can t his elbows on table be a free man to the full tell me your idea gloomily i don t know what you ll say to it it s this our was all very well while i was peaceful and happy now that i am and i feel why i can t exactly explain but i do feel that i must oppose a new and living reality to the memories of the past i should perhaps explain that this is equivalent to an proposal catches at the with joy how at last a rise at last herself but what am i about am i not an her hands over her ears as if in terror what are you saying you mustn t i can t think what you mean away do be the new and living reality it is the only way to put out of the shall we try it never do not do not ask me why for i haven t a notion but never slowly to him and rises white horses would not induce me with her hand on door handle now you know she goes out sits up at the stove and says to himself well i ami quick curtain act third sitting room at sun shining outside in the go inside west is watering a a small watering pot her lies in the a chair madame is the chairs with re polish from a large enter with his hat and stick in his hand madame the bottle and goes out to the right good morning dear a moment after have you seen s paper this morning there s something about you in it oh indeed puts down hat and and takes up paper h m reads then about the has made it hot for me reads s y ne more oh this is too bad they do say such nasty things they actually call me a and i can t think why they mustn t go on like this all that is good in human nature will go to ruin if they re allowed to attack an excellent man like me only think if i can make them see how unkind thej have been yes dear in that you have a great and glorious object to attain and i wish you may get it thanks i think i shall happens to look through window and ah no i shan t never now i have just seen ot the white horse dear we must really not that white horse mr pocket no the mill race where on his hat takes it off again j tm beginning to be haunted by no i don t mean the horse by a terrible suspicion that may have been right after all yes i do believe now i come to think of it that i must really have been in love with you from the first tell me your opinion struggling with herself and still oh i can t exactly say such an odd question to ask me shakes his head perhaps i have no sense of no respectable and i do want to know because you see if i in love with you it was a sin and if i once convinced myself of that s the room breaking out oh these old prejudices here is your hat and your stick too go and take a walk takes hat aiid then goes out and takes a walk madam appears and something tells her something they together madam and shows in who keeps his in his hand and sits on a chair i merely called for the purpose of informing you that i consider you an artful and person but that on the whole considering your birth and moral you know at her it is not surprising walks wringing her hands why what is the matter did you really mr punch s pocket not know that you had no right to your father s name i d no idea you would mind my mentioning such a trifle breaking out i do mind i am an but i retain a few little prejudices still i d like to my real age and i do prefer to be legitimate and after your information of which i was quite ignorant as my mother the late mrs never alluded to it i feel i must confess everything strong minded advanced women are like that here is enters with his hat and i want to tell you and a little story let us sit down dear all three of us they sit down on chairs a long time ago before the play began in a voice scarcely in all the interesting things somehow do happen before the play begins but i know all this looks hard at her perhaps i had better go i no i will be short this was it i wanted to take my share in the life of the	44
new era and march onward with there was one dismal barrier to who gravely i understood where your lay and i acted drove into the mill race there after a short silence h m well takes up his hat if you re thinking of walking home i ll go too i m going to be once more after this severely and to a nice sort of young woman you are both go out hastily without looking at mr punch s pocket speaks to herself under her now i done it i wonder why rope madam i have just had a glimpse of two rushing white horses bring down my hair trunk enter madam large y as curtain act four late evening west stands by a lighted lamp a shade over it packing d c in a with a faint smile the is on the sofa enter the d c then you are going why on earth i can t understand dear you never is too much for me but how did you get on with we have made it up he has convinced me that the work of men was several sizes too large for me so i am going to let it e mr punch s pocket with her faint there i almost think dear that you are wise ab if annoyed what so you don t believe in me either you never did sit on not much dear when you are left to yourself but i ve another confession to make what another i really can t stand any more just now sitting dose to him it is only a little one i into the mill race because of a wild moves uneasily sit still dear fancy for you i goes and sits on sofa oh my goodness you mustn t you know he up and as if embarrassed don t be alarmed dear it is all over now after living alone with you in solitude when you showed me all your thoughts without reserve little by little somehow the fancy passed off i caught the view of life badly and descended on my soul as an upon one of our northern the view of life is very but hardly lively and ive more yet to tell you turning it isn t that enough for one evening almost no dear i have a past behind me mr punch s pocket behind you how strange i bad an idea of that sort already start as if in fear a joke ah no i must not give way to that never mind the fast i once thought that i had made the grand discovery that if one is only vii one will be happy i see now it was too daring too original an dream what me is that i can t somehow i ca i t believe entirely in you i am not even sure that i you so very much isn t it terrible oh this killing doubt looks darkly at him is there anything can do to convince you as if impelled to speak against his will yes one thing only i m afraid you wouldn t see it in the same light and yet i must mention it it is like this s oh my goodness you l you know i want to recover faith in my mission in my power to human souls and as a logical this i cannot do now unless well unless you jump into the mill race too like takes up her with composure and puts it on her head anything to oblige you springs up what you really wiu i you are sure you don t mind then i will go further i will even go yes as far as you go yourself bows her head towards his breast you will see me off thanks now you are indeed an almost i said as far as you go i don t commit myself further than that shall we go mr pocket first tell me this are you going with me or am going with you a subtle point but we have not time to think it out here we will discuss it as we go along come takes his hat and stick her with they go in hand through the door which they leave open the room as is not uncommon with rooms in is empty t madam enters through another door madam the cab miss not here looks out together at this time of night upon my not on the garden seat looks out of window i my goodness what is that white thing on the bridge the at last shrieks aloud and those two sinful creatures running home enter and out of breath able to get the words out it s no use we must put it off till another evening we can t be expected to jump off a which already has a white horse on it and if it comes to that why should we jump at all i know now that i really have you which was all wanted what would be the good of recovering faith in my mission at the bottom of a mill pond no lays his hand on her head there is no judge over us and therefore interrupting gravely we will bind ourselves over in our own to come up for judgment when called upon madam holds on to a chair back the calmly as curtain falls or the bird cage et or the bird cage et act first a room with cheap art furniture in an a of hanging from the cotton wool and scattered everywhere drain pipes a stove decorated with pictures books in hook case window the visitor s bell	44
rings in the hall outside the door is rd to open and then to shut walks in with a porter carries a large christmas mr punch s pocket tree after her which he down gives a shilling and he goes out grumbling no a and eats then his head out of his s room and hides is that my little that my lark in here ess to herself i have only been married eight years so these have not yet had time to pall threatening with his i hope the little bird has surely not been digging its into any eh one and wiping her no most certainly not to herself the worst of being so or the bird ca ge is one does have to tell such a lot of i to see what ve bought it s been such fun h m rather an expensive little lark takes her by the ear little birds like to have a flutter occasionally which reminds me plays with his coat buttons i m such a simple sing but if you a re thinking of giving me a christmas present make it cash just like your poor father he always asked me to make it cash he never made any himself it s i suppose well well back to his bank goes on humming mr punch s pocket enter doubtfully what why how old you look but then you are poor i m not has just been made a bank manager the room isn t it really wonderfully delicious to be well off but of course you wouldn t know we were poor once and do you know when was ill i tossing her head though i am such a frivolous little and all that i actually borrowed for him to go abroad wasn t that clever la la i shan t tell you who lent it i didn t even tell i am such a mere baby i don t tell him everything i tell dr bank though oh i m so awfully happy i should like to shout dash it all mrs ig her hair do it is a natural and innocent outburst you are such a child but i am v or the bird cage a widow and want employment bo you think your husband could find me a place as clerk in his bank proudly i am an excellent that would really be awfully funny to who enters this is she wants to be a clerk in bank do let her she thinks such a lot of you to herself another she is a sensible woman and deserves encouragement come along mrs and we ll see what we can do for you he goes out through the with mrs and the door is heard to after them opens door and calls now and bob come in and have a with mamma we will play hide and seek she gets under the tables mr punch s pocket smiling in quiet satisfaction e no a ou upon him oh i beg your pardon i don t do this kind of thing generally though i may be a little silly don t mention it i called because i happened to see your husband go out with mrs from which being a person of considerable penetration infer that he is about to give her my post at the bank now as you owe me the balance of o for which i hold your acknowledgment you will see the propriety of putting a stop tp this little game at once but i don t at all not a little bit i m so childish you know why should i upright on carpet i will try to make it plain to the meanest capacity when you came to me for the loan i naturally or the bird cage required some additional security your father being a shady official without a penny for if he had possessed one he would have left it to you without a penny then i as a cautious man of business insisted upon having his signature as a oh we are sharp fellows well you got papa s signature didn t you oh i got it right enough unfortunately it was dated three days after his now how do you account for t how why as poor papa was dead and couldn t sign i signed for him that s all only somehow i forgot to put the date back that how didn t i teu you i was a silly like little thing it s very simple mr punch s pocket very but what you did to notwithstanding i happen to know because i m a lawyer and have done a little in the way myself so to come to the point if get kicked out i shall not go alone he bows and goes out it be wrong why no one but ki would have been taken in by it if the law says it s wrong the law s a goose a bigger goose than poor little me even to who enters oh how you made me jump has anybody called shakes her head oh my little mustn t tell naughty why i just met that fellow in the hall he s been asking you to get me to take him back now hasn t he or the bird cage walking do just see how pretty the christmas tree looks never mind the tree i want to have this out about i can t take him back because many years ago he a name as a lawyer a close observer of human nature and a bank manager i have remarked that people who names seldom or never confide the fact to their children which inevitably	44
now i shan t ask you what i was going to comes in a card terrified oh my goodness puts it in her pocket excuse my easy but h m anything disagreeable up to herself s card i must tell another to rank no nothing only only my new costume i want to try it on here i always do try on my dresses in the drawing room it s you know so go in to and amuse him till i m ready b goes into s room and the door upon him as enters from in a fur cap mr punch s pocket well ive got the sack and so i came to see how you are getting on i t be a nice man but feeling i have a heart and as i don t intend to give up the i o u unless i m taken back i was afraid you might be contemplating suicide or something of that kind and so i called to tell you that if i were you i wouldn t bad thing for the complexion suicide and silly too because it wouldn t mend matters in the least kindly you must not take this too seriously mrs get your husband to settle it by taking me back as then i shall soon get the whip hand of him and we shall all be as pleasant and comfortable as possible together not even that prospect can tempt me besides wouldn t have you back at any price now or the bird cage all right then i have here a letter telling your husband all i will take the liberty of dropping it in the letter box at your hall door as i go out i ll wish you good evening he goes presently the sound of a thick letter dropping into a box is heard and hoarsely he s done it how am i to prevent from seeing it inside the door rattling j hasn t my lark changed its dress yet door what so you are not in fancy costume after all enters with are there any letters for me in the box there none not even a oh o mr punch s pocket don t please go and look promise me you won t i do assure you there isn t a letter and i ve forgotten the you taught me do let s rim over it i m so afraid of breaking down promise me not to look at the letter box i can t dance unless you do standing stiu on his way to the letter am a man of strict business habits and some powers of observation my little s assurances that there is nothing in the box combined with her obvious anxiety that i should not go and see for myself satisfy me that it is indeed empty in spite of the fact that i have not invariably foimd her a strictly truthful little bird there there sits down bang away on your little dance away my own lark da with a long gay shawl just won t the little faster faster oh i do feel so k or the bird cage i gay we will have some champagne for dinner t we with more more addressing remarks in come come not this awful i don t like to see quite such a little lark as this it is time you stopped hair coming down as she da stiu and the i can t i can t to herself y as she dances ive only hours left to be a bird in and after that shuddering that will let the cat out of the bag curtain act third the same room except that the sofa been moved one of the cotton wool has fallen into the f re place mrs sits reads a without understanding a single line laying her book as a light tread is heard here he is at last comes in in the doorway mr i have given you a secret in this room because it belongs to my employer mr who has lately discharged you the etiquette of or the bird cage these slight on the part of a female it does are we alone is heard overhead da the yes i hear mrs s fairy above she dances the now by and by she will dance to another tune changing his tone i don t exactly know why you should wish to have this interview after me as you did long ago though don t you do i am a widow a widow and it has occurred to me that there may be a nobler side to your nature somewhere though you have not precisely the best of i am a and a money i am on the staff of the punch a most paper more i have been mr punch s pocket mrs by trading on her fears like a low cowardly cur but in spite of all that clasping his hands there are the making of a fine man about me yet i believe you at least i ll chance it i want some one to care for and marry you on condition i suppose that i suppress the letter mrs mrs how can you think so i am her dearest friend but i can still see her faults and it is my firm opinion that a sharp lesson will do her all the good in the world she is too comfortable so leave the letter in the box and come home with me i am wildly happy engaged to the female or the bird cage of the manager who has discharged me our future is bright and secure he goes out and mrs sets tlie furniture straight presently a noise	44
begin to myself may i ask how you are going to set about it certainly i shall begin yes i shall begin with a course of the theatres if that doesn t take the out of me i don t really know what will he gets her bonnet and ties it then you are really going and never think about me and the eggs any more oh indeed i shall occasionally as strangers on a shawl sadly and her dressing bag mr pocket if i ever do come back the greatest miracle of all will have to happen good bye she goes out through the the front door is rd to hang loudly sinking on a chair the room empty then she must be gone yes my little lark has flown tjie dull sound of an is heard trying the lock the door opens and a somewhat foolish expression what back already then you are educated puts down dressing bag no not yet only you see i found i had only in my purse and the theatres are all closed at this hour and so i thought i wouldn t leave the cage till to morrow after breakfast as if to himself the greatest miracle of all has or the bird cage happened my little bird is not in the bush just yet takes down a hound the shelf a begins her tion ei v a bag of sits near and one a pause it proudly he offers it a gain she at it stiu without looking at him and it thoughtfully as curtain falls act first scene a sitting room decorated in dark colours broad doorway hung with black in the wall at hack leading to a hack n in which above a sofa in hangs a portrait of the late on the piano is a handsome pall through the glass panes of the hack drawing window are seen a dead wall and a sofa chairs handsomely in and studded with round nails of and dead are lying everywhere f mr pocket not to leave her old hat about on the drawing room chairs oh is it your hat sorry i spoke i m sure i aunt annoyed good gracious little mrs my nice new hat that i bought to go out walking with you in i patting her on the b yes she did and the too fancy aunt always positively thinks of everything eh coldly you hold your tongue catch me going out walking with your aunt one doesn t do such things beaming isn t she a charming woman such fascinating manners my goodness eh fancy that g aunt ah dear george you ought indeed to be but bring out a flat wrapped in newspaper look here my dear boy george opens it what my dear old morning shoes my slippers breaks down this is positively too touching eh do you remember how badly i wanted them all the come and just have a look at them you way bother your old slippers and your old aunt too aunt goes annoyed by george stiu thanking her warmly or the slippers george comes back and places his old slippers reverently on the table why here comes mrs another early she had mr punch s pocket hair and went about making a sensation with it an old flame of yours ive heard enter mrs ie is pretty and gentle with copious white gold hair and round prominent eyes and the manner rabbit n oh please i m so perfectly in despair you know who was our he s written such a large new book i inspired him oh i know i don t look like it but i did he told me and good gracious now he s in this dangerous wicked town all alone and he s a character and i m so frightened about him so as the wife of a twenty years older than me i came up to look after mr do ask him here then i can meet him you will how perfectly of you my husband s so fond of him george go and write an invitation at once do you hear looks around for his slippers takes g them tip goes n now we can talk my little do you remember how i used to pull your hair when we met on the stairs and say i would it off seeing people with copious hair always does me mrs goodness yes you were always so playful and friendly and i was so afraid of you i am still and please ive run away from my husband everything around him was distasteful to me and mr and i were comrades he was dissipated and i got a sort of power over him and he made a real person out of me which i wasn t before you know but oh i do hope i m real now he talked to me and taught me to think chiefly of him so when mr came here naturally i came too there was nothing else to do and fancy there is another woman whose shadow still stands between him and me she wanted to shoot him once and so of course he can never forget her i wish i knew mr punch s pocket n name perhaps it was that red haired cold self command l very likely but nobody does that sort of thing here hush run away now here comes with judge mrs goes out george comes in who is a and elastic gentleman with a round face hair and distinguished how awfully funny you do look by daylight judge holding his hat and dropping his eye glass li thanks still the same graceful manners dear little mrs i came to invite dear to a httle bachelor party to his return from his long it	44
is customary in society it will be a lively affair for i am a gay dog i am a gay asked out without my wife think of that eh oh dear me yes come i by the way is here he has written a wonderful book which has made a quite extraordinary sensation bless me yes i george l fancy well i am glad such marvellous gifts and i was so painfully certain he had gone to the bad fancy that eh but what will become of him now poor fellow eh i am so anxious to know well he may possibly put up for the against you and though you are an uncommonly clever man of letters for a it s not wholly improbable that he may cut you out mr pocket but look here good lord judge that would show an incredible want of consideration for me i married on my chance of getting that a man like too who hasn t even been respectable eh one doesn t do such things as that really you forget we are all and persons here and do all kinds of odd things but don t worry yourself re goes out to oh i say what s to become of our now eh we can t have a servant or give dinner parties or have a horse for riding fancy that i wearily i no we shall really have to set up as in reduced circumstances now george cheering still we shall see aunt every day and that will be something and ive got back my old slippers we shan t be altogether without some amusements eh crosses the floor not while i have one thing to amuse myself with at all events george beaming with joy oh heaven be praised and thanked for that my goodness so you have and what may that be eh at the doorway with suppressed scorn yes george you have the old slippers of the attentive aunt and i have the horse pistols of the deceased general george in an agony the pistols oh my goodness what pistols mr punch s pocket with cold eyes general s pistols same which i shot herself no that s not a very different person she goes through the back room at doorway shouting after her dearest not those dangerous things eh why they have never once been known to shoot straight yet don t have a for my sake have a curtain act second scene the cheerful dark drawing room it is afternoon stands a revolver in the hack room looking and shouting how do you do judge a at him mind yourself entering what the devil do you usually take pot shots at casual visitors annoyed invariably when they come by the back garden it is my way of that i am mr pocket at home one does do these things in you know and i was only at the blue sky which accounts for the condition of my hat exhibiting it look here i couldn t help myself i am so horribly bored with to be with a professional person our excellent is certainly a bit of a bore looks at tier j what on earth made you marry him tired of dancing my dear that s all and then i used to take me home from parties and we saw this villa and i said i liked it and so did he and so we found some common ground and here we are do you see i and i and i don t even like the villa now and i do feel the want of an entertaining companion so try me just the kind of three arrangement that i like let me be the third person in the the tried friend and generally speaking cock of the walk i audibly d in l i cannot resist your polished way of putting things we will conclude a triple alliance but hush here comes enter george with a of hooks under his a george i am hot ive been looking into s new book wonderfully thoughtful confound him i but i must go and dress for your party judge se goes g mr punch s pocket i wish i could get to take to politics judge couldn t he be a cabinet minister or something a short pause both look at one a without enter in evening dress with gloves it is afternoon and your party is at half past seven but i like to dress early fancy that and i am expecting comes in from the he is worn and red patches on his cheek bones and wears an elegant per new visiting suit and hack gloves welcome him to listen i have got your new book but i haven t read it through yet you needn t it s rubbish takes a packet of out this it s in three parts the first about the forces of the future the second about the future of the forces and the third about the forces of the future i thought i d read you a little of it this evening and george l awfully nice of you but there s a little party this evening so sorry we can t stop won t you come too no he must stop and read it to me and mrs instead george it would never have occurred to me to think of such clever things are you going to oppose me for the eh mr punch s pocket modes y no i shall only triumph over you ia the popular judgment that s all oh is that all fancy let us go into the back drawing room and drink cold punch but i am a character and have cold punch it is poison george and go	44
into the hack room drink punch whilst shows a photograph in the front slowly in a low tone how you throw yourself away like this oh is that the group beautiful have you forgotten how we used to sit on the together behind an illustrated paper and yes very picturesque peaks i told you all about how i had been on the loose loi now none of tliat here these are the yes i remember it was a beautiful fascinating but it s over now see we spent a night in that little mountain village and i l did you indeed do you remember that delicious moment when you threatened to shoot me down i do did i have done that to so many people but now all that is past and you have found the loveliest consolation in dear good little mrs ah here she is enter mrs now sit down and drink up a good glass of cold punch mr is going to have some if you don t mr george and the judge will think you are afraid of taking too much if you once begin mr punch s pocket oh please when ive inspired mr good gracious don t make him drink punch i you see mr our dear little friend can t trust you so that is my comrade s faith in me show her if i am to be trusted or not he drinks a glass of punch now i ll go to the judge s party i ll have another glass first your health so you came up to spy on me eh i ll drink the s health s health he tries to get more stopping him no more now you are going to a party remember and come in from hack room don t be angry i was fallen for a moment now i m up again mrs beams with judge i ll come to your party as you are so pressing and i ll read george my manuscript all the evening i ll do all in my power to make that party go no fancy that be amusing there go away you wild creatures but mr must be back at ten to take dear home mrs oh goodness yes in concealed agony mr i shan t go away till you do the three men go out merrily the act drop is lowered for a minute when it is raised it is a m and mrs and are discovered sitting up with nd them i mr pocket l seven in the morning and mr not here to take me home yet what can he be doing l to with vine leaves in his hair i suppose perhaps he has got to the third part oh do you really think so oh if i could but hope he was doing that you silly little i i should like to your hair off go to bed goes enter i m a little late eh but we made a night of it fancy i it was most amusing read his book to me think of that i astonishing book r oh we really had great fun i wish written it pity he s so i suppose you mean he has more of the courage of life than most people george good lord he had the courage to get more drunk than most people but altogether it was what you might almost call a we finished up by going to have early coffee with some of these jolly and poor old dropped his precious manuscript in the mud and i picked it up and here it is fancy if anything were to happen to it he never could write it again it be sad eh don t tell any one about it he leaves the packet of on a chair arid rushes hides the packet as io mr pocket another early call you see my party was such a singularly animated that i haven t all night oh it was the affair conceivable and like a true host i home and it is only my duty as a friend of the house and cock of the walk to take the first opportunity of telling you that he finished up the evening by coming to mere with a red haired opera singer and being taken off to the police station your mustn t have him here any more remember our little triple alliance her fading away you are certainly a dangerous person but you must not get a hold over me ou ly what an idea but i might i am an dog good morning i g bu in and suppose youve heard where i ve been i heard you had a very jolly party at judge s comes in l it s all over i don t mean to do any more work ive no use for a companion now go home to your agitated never i want to be with you when your book comes out it won t come out i ve torn it up rushes out wringing her hands mrs i told her a lie but no matter i haven t torn my book up i ve done worse i ve taken it about to several io mr punch s pocket parties and it s been through a police row with me now i ve lost it even if i found it again it wouldn t be the same not to me i am a literary man and peculiar so i must make an end of it altogether m quite so but look here you must do it beautifully i don t insist on your putting vine leaves in your hair but do it beautifully pistol see here is one of general s pistols do it with t a thanks he takes the pistol	44
and goes out through the h j as soon as he has brings out the ma and puts it on the fi whispering to as curtain falls i am a literary man and peculiar act three scene the same room hut being evening da than ever the curtains cm e drawn a servant with black ribbons in her cap and red comes in and lights the gas and ca a re rd on the piano in the back room presently comes in and looks out into the da a short enter george i am so uneasy about poor fancy i lie is not at home mrs told me he has been here early this morning so i suppose you gave him back his manuscript eh mr pocket cold and immovable supported by a no i put it on the fire instead on the fire s wonderful new book that he read to me at s party when we had that wild last night fancy that but i say isn t that rather eh too bad you know really a great work like that how on earth did you come to think of it am smile well dear george you gave me a tolerably strong hint me well to be sure that is a joke why i only said that i envied him for writing such a book and it would put me entirely in the shade if it came out and if anything was to happen to it i should never forgive myself as poor couldn t write it all over again and so we must take the greatest care of it and then i left it on a chair and went away that was all and you went and burnt the book all up bless me who would have expected it nobody you dear simple old soul but i did it for your sake it was george in an outburst between doubt you don t mean that your love takes such queer forms sometimes yes but yes excess o joy why you must be fond of me just think of that now well you are fun look here i must just run and tell the that she will enjoy the joke so eh coldly in self command it is surely not necessary even for a clever man of letters in a punch s pocket social drama to make quite such a fool of himself as all that george no that s true too perhaps we d better keep it quiet though i tell aunt it will make her so happy to hear that you burnt a manuscript on my account and besides i should like to ask her whether that s a usual thing with young wives looks uneasy and pensive again but poor old s manuscript oh lor you know well well mrs comes in mrs oh please tm so uneasy about dear mr something has happened to him i m sure judge brace comes in from the with a new hat in his brace you have guessed it first time something g mrs oh dear good gracious what is it something distressing i m certain of it shrieks brace plea that depends on how one takes it he has shot himself and is in a hospital now that s au george that s sad eh poor old well i am cut up to hear that fancy though eh was it through the temple or through the breast the breast well one can do it beautifully through the breast too do you know as an advanced woman i like an act of that sort it s so positive to have the courage to settle the account with himself it s beautiful really mrs oh what an odd way to look at it but never mind poor dear mr now what we ve ii mr punch s pocket got to do is to see if we can t pat his ful that he said he had torn to pieces together again takes a bundle of pages out of the pocket of her there are the loose scraps he dictated it to me from i hid them on the chance of some such emergency and if dear mr and i were to pat oar heads together i do think something might come of it fancy i will my life or all i can spare of it to the task i seem to feel i owe him some slight amends perhaps no use crying over eh mrs we ll sit down just you and i in the back drawing room and see if you can t inspire me as you did him eh oh goodness yes i should like it if it only might be possible am go into the back drawing room and become absorbed in g eager conversation sits in a choir in the room and a little later brace crosses over to her in a low tone oh judge what a relief to know that everything including s pistol went so well i in the breast isn t there a veil of beauty in that such an act of voluntary courage too smiles perhaps dear mrs e but wasn t it sweet of him to have the courage to live his own life after his own fashion to break away from the banquet of life so early and so drunk a beautiful act like that does appeal to a superior woman s imagination sorry to your poetical illusions little mrs but as a matter of fact our lamented friend mr punch s pocket met bis end under other circumstances the shot did strike him in the breast but excitedly general s pistols i might have known it did they ever shoot straight where he hit then in a discreet a little lower down	44
oh how disgusting how vulgar how ridiculous like everything else about me brace yes we re of human nature and all that but a trifle perhaps and why did you give your pistol when it was certain to be traced by the police for a charming cold blooded woman with a clear head and no scruples wasn t it just a foolish g perhaps but i wanted him to do it beautifully and he didn t oh ive just admitted that i did give him the pistol how unwise of me now i m in your power i suppose precisely for some reason it s not easy to understand but it s inevitable and you know how you dread anything approaching scandal all your past proceedings show that to and mrs who come in together from the back room well how are you getting on with the of poor s great work eh george we ve made out the first two parts already and really i do believe mrs is inspiring me i begin to feel it coming on fancy that mr punch s pocket mrs yes goodness won t it be lovely if i can i mean to try so hard do you dear little silly rabbit and while you are trying i will go into the back drawing room and lie down she goes into the back room and draws the curtains short pause suddenly she is heard playing the man on the piano george but dearest don t play the man this evening as one of my is dead and poor old has shot himself it seems just a little pointed eh puts her head out between the curtains all right what i the of all those everlasting settled be quiet after this i m going to practise with the late general s pistol the curtains again gets behind the stove judge v the table a nd under the sofa a shot is heard within behind the stove eh look here i tell you what she s hit me think of that his legs a re visibly agitated a short time shot is rd under the sofa oh please not me oh goodness now i can t inspire anybody any more oh her feet which can he seen under the quiver a little and then are suddenly stiu ce from under the table i say mrs i m coming in evening we will have mr punch s pocket great fun here another shot is heard l bless me to bring down the poor old cock of it s people don t do such things as that the table cloth is violently agitated for a and presently the open and rs fi i ve been trying in there to shoot myself beautifully but with s pistol she lifts the then looks behind the stove under the what the accounts of all those everlasting settled then my suicide becomes unnecessary yes i feel the courage of life once more she goes into the back room and plays the funeral march of a a the the wild duck ok the wild duck act first a t s house in front a richly study r a green door leading to s office at back j open folding doors revealing an elegant dining room in which a n party is going on hired in profusion a glass is tapped with a knife shouts of old mr is h a rd a long speech proposing according to the custom of society on such occasions the health of his housekeeper mrs s presently several t sighted and thin haired mr punch s pocket the dining room who under their remarks a as we are the sole specimens of nobility suppose we sustain our reputation as aristocratic by upon the enormous amount we have eaten and the friend of our host s son for being a professional the other we will they do delight of old comes in leaning on his housekeeper s arm by his son old d thirteen at table to with a meaning glance at this is the the wild duck result of inviting an old college friend who has turned wasting on him indeed he passes on gloomily to i am almost sorry i came your old is friendly yet he set me up as a fifteen years ago now he takes me down but for him i should never have married who you may remember was a servant in your family once what my old college friend married fifteen years ago and to our of all people if i had not been up at the works all these years i suppose i should have heard something of such an event but my father never mentioned it odd he old comes out through the green door begging carrying work old mr punch s pocket says and hack am other way a asks him if he knows that man i oh no not in the least no relation shocked what you with your great soul deny your own father vehemently l of what else can a do with a old parent who has been in a for making a map i shall leave this splendid banquet the are not kind to me and i feel the crushing hand of fate on my head goes out hastily feeling it father a word with you in private you the wild duck mrs s any nobleman here say cold punch y nobleman says cold punch and follows her out in search of it with approaches his father who wishes he go father a word a ith you in private i you i am nothing if not candid old was your partner once and it s my firm belief you deserved a prison quite as much as he did however you surely need not have married our to my old friend	44
you know very well she was no better than she should have been old true but then no more is mrs and i am going to marry her if you have no objection that is mr pocket none in the world how can i object to a who is playing blind man s at the present moment with the nobility i am not so as all that but really i can o allow my old friend with his great confiding mind to remain in contented ignorance of s past no i see my mission in life at last i shall take my hat and inform him that bis home is built upon a lie he will be so much obliged to me takes his hat and goes old ha i am a wealthy merchant of morals and i am about to marry my housekeeper who is on intimate terms with the aristocracy i have a son who me and who is either an satire on the master s own or else an utterly impossible i don t know or care which altogether i flatter myself my household affords an accurate and picture of society i curtain act second s other of torture lying about and her daughter a and ring spectacles discovered sitting up for is in his room with a bottle of brandy and a of hot water doing some fresh work father is in society dining out he promised he would bring me home something nice coming in in evening d and he has not forgotten his promise my child behold he mr pocket presents her with the card down her tears notices her with annoyance and this all the gratitude i get after dining oat and coming home in a dress and boots which are tight well well just to show you how hurt i am i won t have any beer now what a selfish brute i am you may bring me just a little drop he bursts into tears i will play you a plaintive dance on my he does no beer at such a sacred moment as this he drinks ha this is real domestic bliss in in a suit i have left my father s home dinner party and all for ever i am coming to lodge with you stiu melancholy have some bread and butter you won t then i wiu i want it after your the wild duck father s lavish hospitality goes to fetch bread and butter my daughter a poor little thing but mine own my father has had to take to strong glasses too he can hardly see after dinner to old who in very d how can you lieutenant who were such a keen once live in this little hole old i am a still the only is that once i shot bears in a forest and now i pot tame in a garret quite as amusing and safer he goes to sleep on a sofa with ride it is quite true you shall see back sliding doors and a et of and poultry effect bread and butter mr punch s pocket to if you stand just there you get the best view of our wild duck we are very proud of her because she gives the play its title you know and has to be brought into the dialogue a good deal your father her out shooting and we saved her life yes our estate is not large but still we preserve you see and my poor old father and i sometimes get a day s in the garret he shoots with a pistol which my wife here call a he once when he got into trouble pointed it at himself but the of two lieutenant who had never before living rabbit yet faltered then he shoot then i put it to my own head but at the decisive moment i won the victory over myself i remained in life now we only shoot and the wild duck fowls with it after all i am very happy and contented as i am he eats some bread and butter but you ought not to be you have a good deal of the wild duck about you so have your wife and daughter you are living in marsh tomorrow i will take you out for a walk and explain what i mean it is my mission in life good night he goes out and what was the gentleman talking about father eating bread and he has been dining you know no matter what we have to do now is to put my old of a parent to bed he lift old we old up by the legs and a and take off to bed as the falls act three s a photograph has just been taken are up there should have been a in this act with dr and who would have been in a state of comic after his but as it hadn t much to do with such plot as there is we cut it out it came cheaper here comes your father back from his walk with that lunatic young you had better go and play with the wild duck goes the wild duck in i have been for a walk with he meant well but it was he has told me that fifteen years ago before i married you you were rather a wild duck so to speak severely why haven t you been in and remorse all these years eh sensibly why because i have had other things to do you wouldn t take any photographs so i had to all the same it was a swamp of deceit and where am i to find of spirit to bring out my grand invention now i used to shut myself up in the parlour	44
and and cry when i thought that the effort of anything would sap my vitality i did want to leave you an s widow but never shall now particularly mr punch s pocket as i haven t made up my mind what to invent yet yes it s all over are and even poultry and i ll that cursed wild duck s neck coming in beaming well so you ve got it over wasn t it soothing and eh and ain t you both obliged to me no it s my opinion you d better have minded your own business in great bless me pardon my but this ought really to be quite a new starting point why i confidently expected to have found you both beaming i mrs being so may take some little time to see it but you with your deep mind surely you feel a new eh the wild duck oh er yes i suppose so in a sort of way in father only see what mrs has given me for a birthday present a beautiful deed of gift shows it her ha mrs s the family housekeeper my father s sight failing in what of these astonishing open up am not short sighted at all events and i see it all all this is my answer ite takes the deed and tea rs it across now i have nothing more to do in this house on overcoat my home has fallen in ruins about me bursts into tears my hat i oh but you you must be all three j pocket to the true of mind for know self f be he tears and e oh he said it might be now hell come home any more shall i tell yoa how to regain your father s and bring him home surely sacrifice the wild dock do yoa think that will do any good ton just it curtain act fourth same scene enters and finds photographs pleasantly not come in yet after last night i suppose not he he s been out on the loose all night with and now he s on their sofa disappointed dear dear when he ought to be yearning to in solitude and self examination mr punch s pocket rudely self examine your grandmother she goes comes in to ah i see you haven t found courage to settle the wild duck yet no it seemed such a delightful idea at first now it strikes me as a trifle well i thought you hadn t grown up quite in this house but if you really had the true joyous spirit of self sacrifice you d have a shot at that wild duck if you died for it slowly i see you mean that my s changing and i ought to behave as such the wild duck exactly i m what americans would term a but believe in you takes down the pistol the ma and goes into the et flashing eyes comes in looking in at door with hesitation he is and has anybody happened to see my hat gracious what a sight you are sit done and have some breakfast do she brings it indignantly what touch food under this roof never helps himself to and coffee go and pack up my scientific books my and all the best in my i am going away for ever on second thoughts i mi punch s pocket shall stay in the spare room for another day or two it won t be the same as living with you he takes some meat must you go just when youve got nice firm ground to build upon thanks to me then there s your great invention too everything s invented already and i only cared about my invention because although it doesn t exist yet i thought believed in it with all the strength of her sweet little eyes but now i don t believe in he himself out r cup of coffee ear but if i can prove to you that she is ready to sacrifice her cherished wild duck see hack sliding door and at the wild duck with the end of the pistol the wild duck excitedly but don t you see it s the that fatal weapon which in never shoots straight and she has got it by the wrong end too she will shoot herself quietly she will let the child make amends it will be a most and impressive no no put down the do you hear child still hear but i shan t unless father tells me to show the great soul i always said you had this sorrow will set free what is noble in you don t spoil a fine situation be a man let the child shoot herself mr pocket well really i don t know there s a good deal in what says h m a good deal of rubbish i m i know i ve been a wild duck in my time and i but for all that i m the only person in the play with a grain of common sense and i m sure whatever mr or choose to say that a screaming like this ought not to end like a tragedy even in this queer of ours and it shan t tell the child to put that nasty down and come away do yielding ah well i am a character myself after all don t touch a hair of that duck s head come to my arms and all shall be forgiven throws down the pistol which goes off and a rabbit and rushes into h r put that nasty down the wild duck old out of a corner with a fowl on each and bursts into tears affecting fa y picture a	44
it s all very pretty i dare say but it s not my real mission is to be the at table i don t know what i mean but i fly to fulfil it he goes and now we ve got rid of him fetch me the deed of gift i tore up and a slip of paper and a penny bottle of and we ll soon make a instrument of it again he the torn deed together as the curtain slowly doctor doctor note the original title would sound a trifle too uncouth to the ear and is therefore modified as above although the term strictly speaking a who has not received a regular act first an furnished d i room at dr s in on the left a console table on which is a large round bottle full of coloured water on the right a stove with a banner een made of a richly chest pi on the stove a and a small battery in one comer a hat and stand in r a mr punch s pocket desk at which stands making the accounts through a glass door at the hack is seen the ry where rt is seated occupied in a both go on working in perfect silence minutes and a half dr enters through hall door he is elderly a plain sensible countenance hut weak hair and expressions come here miss hangs up hat and throws his on a have you made out all those bills yet looks sternly at her in a low hesitating voice almost i have charged each patient with three daily even when you only dropped in for a cup of tea and a chat passionately i felt i mv st i must doctor alter ma tone her head in his hands j and whispers i wish you could make out the bills for me always in how lovely that would be oh you are so good to me it is too to be here sinks down and his knees dr so ive understood with suppressed irritation for goodness sake let go my legs i do wish you wouldn t be so has risen comes in through glass breathing with difficulty he is a bald young man of fifty with a ha and slightly i beg pardon dr i see i interrupt i o mr pocket you as rises i have just completed this have you looked at it he offers it or inspection it appears to be a of the usual dimensions cast all these years you have never given me one encouraging word can t you praise my dr with himself i i cannot you should not attempt to compound on your own account breathing laboriously and yet there was a time when you too dr yes it was certainly a that came as a lucky stepping stone but not a like that for goodness sake let go my doctor vehemently listen is that your last word is my aged mother to pass out of this world without ever knowing whether i am competent to an effective or not dr as if in you had better try it upon your mother it will enable her to form an opinion only mind i will not be responsible for the result i understand exactly as you tried your all those years ago upon dr he bows and goes out dr uneasily he said that so strangely but tell me now when are you going to marry him i mr punch s pocket half glancing up at him i i don t know this year next year now never i marry him i cannot i cannot it is so utterly impossible to leave you dr yes i can understand that but my poor hadn t you better take a little walk s her hands gratefully how sweet and thoughtful you are to me i take a walk dr with a suppressed smile do and h m you needn t trouble to come back i have advertised for a male book keeper they are less my little doctor and night dr out of hall door blowing enters through the window quite an acquisition for you this miss dr she s h m extremely civil and obliging but i am parting with her mainly on your account mrs him was it on my account indeed you have parted with so many young persons on my account so you tell me dr depressed oh but this is hopeless when i have tried so hard to bring a ray of sunlight into your desolate life i must give notice too his is really too preposterous i mr punch s pocket mrs feels go for a chair and sits down on the floor him too ah you will never make my home a real home for me my poor first husband tried and he couldn t t when one has had such misfortunes as i have all the family portraits burnt and the silk dresses too and a pair of and nine lovely with tea ra dr as ij to lead her away from the subject yes yes yes that must have been a heavy blow for you my poor i can understand that your spirits can never be really high again and then for poor master to be so taken up with that miss as he was that too was so wretched for you to see him off the tower as he did that day ten years ago doctor mrs yes that too but i did not it so much it all seemed so perfectly in both of them dr natural for a girl of twenty three to a middle aged whom she knew to be liable to never to let him have any peace till	44
tell me is she going to stay with us here mrs lo k at aim so she tells me and as she has brought nothing with her except a tooth brush and a powder puff i am going into the town to get her a few articles we must make her feel at home dr out i wiu make her not but he at home wherever that is this very day i will not have a without a here on an indefinite visit i say she shall go do you hear miss will go with his on doctor mrs quietly if you say so no doubt she will have to go but you must tell her so yourself puts the watering pot on the console tame and goes as enters sparkling with pleasure goes up straight to him good morning dr i have just seen a pig killed it was i mean thrilling and your wife has taken a tremendous fancy to me fancy that i gloomily it is eccentric certainly but my poor dear wife was always a little i her head slowly several times so you have noticed that too i have had a long talk with her she can t get over your mr he is the only man who ever really understood her m mr punch s pocket if i could only pay her off a little bit of the huge debt i owe her but i ran t looks him can t help you i helped didn t you know i stayed with him and poor little after that accident to my master i did i made build me the loveliest castle in the air even than poor mr s would have been and we stood together on the very top the steps were rather too much for besides there was no room for her on top and he put towering on all his only somehow they didn t let then the castle in the air tumbled down and went into i continued my dr interested against his and where did you go after that may i ask miss doctor oh ever so far north there i met mr and mrs the second mrs she who was mrs with the hair you know they were on their and had just decided that it was impossible to poor mr s great book out of mrs s rough notes but i insisted on george s attempting the impossible with me and what do you think mrs wears in her hair dr why really i could not say vine leaves perhaps wrong i poor fancy that so he shot himself through his and i went on and took for the summer there had been misfortune in the house so it was to let dear good old acted as my reference his wife and children had no i o mr punch s pocket sympathy with his views so i used to see him every day and i persuaded him too to attempt the impossible he had never ridden anything but a rocking horse in his life but i made him promise to mount the white horse of he didn t get over that they found his body a fortnight afterwards in the mill dam thrilling i dr shakes his finger at her what a girl you are miss but you mustn t play these games here you know laughs to herself of course not but i suppose i a m a strange sort of bird dr you are like a strong when i look at you i seem to be regarding an draught still i really must decline to take you doctor i i a little sulky that is not how you spoke ten years ago up at the mountain station when you were such a dr was i a deuce take me if i remember but i am not like that now then you have really forgotten how you sat next to me at the and made and swallowed them and were so splendid and and free that all the old women who left next day what a memory you have for trifles miss it s quite wonderful i mr punch s pocket trifles there was no trifling on you r part when you promised to come back in ten years uke a and fetch me dr did i say all that it have been after it was i was a mere then only but remember and now have come for you dr dear dear but there is nothing of the about me now i have married mrs looking sharply at him yes i remember you were always dropping in to tea in those days doctor dr seem hurt every visit was duly put down in the and charged for as poor little will tell you little oh dr i believe there is a bit of the left in you still dr a little no no my conscience is perfectly robust always was are you quite quite sure that when you went indoors with dear mrs that afternoon and left me alone with my master you did not foresee perhaps wish intend even a little that h m dr that you would talk the poor man into up that tower you want to drag me into that business now i mr punch s pocket yes i certainly think that then you went on exactly like a dr with emotion there is not a comer of me safe from you yes i see now that must have heen the way of it then i was a in too but isn t it terrible the price i have had to pay for it to have a wife who no i shall never roll a again never never her head on the stove and if half asleep no more poor doctor bitterly	44
nothing but commonplace grey for a whole troop of children a ain not grey quite seriously i will tell you what you shall make next beautiful beautiful rainbow that will g ve one a real grip on the doctor rainbow coloured that will give one a real grip on the world to make every one free and and ready to grasp at one s own happiness to dare what one would i will have you make them i will i will dr h m i am not quite sure that i clearly understand and then the what stupid people all of you doctors are to be sure why they will be of course dr why in the world should they be that without answering aim all the it is only such things that are wholesome nowadays i mr punch s pocket dr as if caught by her and i could colour them too by exposing them to rays cast through a oh how i have needed you all these years for you see with her it was impossible to discuss such things embraces her mrs enters noiselessly through hall door i suppose you are persuading miss to start by the afternoon steamer i have bought her a pair of curling and a packet of hair pins the larger are coming on presently dr uneasily h m miss i should say is kindly going to stay on a little longer to assist me in some scientific experiments you wouldn t understand them if i told you doctor s shouldn t i i not the new book keeper looks through the glass door ry starts violently and points then in a whisper that dr only the new book keeper and assistant a very intelligent person looks straight in front of her with a far away expression and whispers to herself i thought at first it was but no that would be too thrilling dr to himself i m into a regular old i mr punch s pocket now but i can t help myself after all i am only an elderly we are made like that real rainbow with oh to have the joy of life once more takes his again as curtain falls act third on the right a smart attached to dr s dwelling and communicating with the drawing room and ry by glass doors on the left a down with a plaster in front a lawn with a large glass globe on a stand chairs a nd tables au the furniture is of iron a sunset is seen going on among the trees dr comes out of door cautiously and whispers are you in there fingers on drawing room door mr pocket out with a well and how is the powder getting on dr dr enthusiasm it is getting on simply splendidly i sent the new assistant out to take a little walk so that he should not be in the way there is in the powder and too and and the best i with happy wondering eyes lots of and you will give some of it to her to make her free and i think one really has the right when people happen to stand in the way yes you may well say so still du it does occur to me that such doings may perhaps be misunderstood by the narrow minded and conventional i y go on the m and sit down doctor with an t oh that all seems to me so foolish so as if the whole thing wasn t intended as an dr relieved ah so long as it is merely of course but what is it an of in vain how can you sit there and ask such questions i suppose i am a symbol of some sort dr as a flashes upon him a that would certainly account for your then am a too why yes what else you represent the or the elder generation or the pursuit of n i mr punch s pocket the ideal or a or something or other you re all right dr his head am i but i don t quite see well well are meant to clash a little and i see plainly now that i ought to this powder for as many as possible isn t it terrible that so many poor souls never really die their own deaths pass out of the world without even the formality of an as the district i feel strongly on the subject and when the has finished sitting on all the bodies perhaps but i shan t tell you now speaks a if to a child run away and finish making the rainbow powder do dr into the i will i will oh i do feel such a such a light haired old devil doctor garden gate i have had my dismissal but i m not going without saying good bye to mrs dr would you really must not mr and besides mrs is not at home she is in the town me a of cotton dr is in he is making real rainbow for everybody all round won t tliat be fun r making ha ha but you will see he won t take one himself it is quite notorious to us younger men that he simply t do it with a little of contempt oh i that s so likely i know he can though i ve seen i mr punch s pocket there is a tradition that he once but not now he knows better i think you said mrs was in the town i will go and look for her i understand her so well goes on by gate dr come out this minute i want you awfully dr puts his head out just when	44
i am making such wonderful progress with the powder comes and ns on a table have you hit upon some way of giving it to i thought if you were to put it in her no thanks i won t have that now i have just recollected that it is a rule of mine never to injure anybody i have once been formally introduced to doctor strangers don t count no poor mrs mustn t take that powder dr disappointed then is nothing to come of making rainbow after all looks hard at him people say you are afraid to take your own is that true dr yes i am after a with ca r i find it invariably with me a half smile i think i can understand that but you did once you swallowed your own that day at the tame d ten years ago and i heard a harp in the air too dr i don t think that could have been me i don t play any instrument and that was mr pocket quite a special thing tou it s not every day i can do it those were only bread with flashing eyes but you rolled them you took them and i want to see you stand once more free and high and great your own preparations i will have you do it just once more dr dr if i did my medical knowledge slight as it is leads me to the conclusion that i should in all probability burst looks deeply into his eyes so long as you burst beautifully but no doubt that miss dr you must believe in me utterly and entirely i will do anything anything to provide you doctor with agreeable entertainment i will swallow my own powder to as he goes gravely to if only the are sufficiently goes in as le does so the new assistant s the garden in blue spectacles unseen by and follows him leaving open the glass door out of room where is dear dr oh miss he has discharged me but i can t i simply can t live away from that lovely at this moment dr is in the taking one of his own but but it is utterly impossible miss you have such a firm hold of him don t let him do that mr punch s pocket i have already done all i can appears talking with mrs at gate oh mrs the doctor is going to take one of his own preparations save him quick with cold politeness i am sorry to hear it for his sake but it would be quite contrary to professional etiquette to prevent him mrs and i never interfere with my husband s proceedings i know my duty miss if others don t with great intensity at last now i see him in there great and free again mixing the doctor powder in a spoon with jam t now he raises the spoon higher higher still a is from there didn t you hear a harp in the air quietly i can t see the spoon any more but there is one he is striving with in blue spectacles the new assistant s voice within the doctor has taken his own powder a if that voice where have heard it before no matter he has got the powder down i waves a shawl in the air and shrieks with wild it s too awfully thrilling my my doctor the new assistant comes out on i am happy to inform you that as to avoid accidents i took the simple precaution of filling all the with chalk no serious results may be anti mr punch s pocket from dr s don t you know me ee i really don t remember having the pleasure and i m sure i heard a harp in the air mrs i fancy miss it must have been merely a bee in your bonnet the new assistant tenderly still the same little singing bird oh my long lost lark i m not a lark i m a bird of prey and when i get my claws into anything the new assistant for instance i remember your tastes of old see es a paper his coat tail pocket they were fresh this morning my my doctor i doctor wavering if you insist on calling me i think you must be just a little mad yourself the new assistant we are all a little mad in but is sane enough still to recognise his own little again surely your education is complete at last you have gained the experience you needed nod slowly yes you re right enough there i have thought things out for myself and have got clear about them and i have quite made up my mind that society and the law are all wrong and that i am right then you have learnt the great lesson and are fit to undertake the charge of your o mr pocket children s education at last you ve no notion how they ve grown yes our marriage will be a true marriage now you will come back to the house won t you w angel will you let me if i do all day and at night we will the accounts together th rows hei self into his and helps herself to that will be fearfully thrilling my my manager dr comes out very pale di ry i did take the i m afraid i interrupt you not in the least but this lady is my little lark doctor and she is going back to her cage by the next steamer dr am i never to have a gleam of happiness but stay do i see my little once more pardon me my little she always believed	44
so firmly in my dr well well if it must be i will take you into and we will take out a patent for that my poor dear let us try once more if we cannot bring a ray of brightness into our cheerless home mrs oh if only we could but why do you propose that to me now o mr punch s pocket dr softly to himself because i have tried being a and found that nothing came of it and it wasn t worth sixpence goes off to the right with to the left with dr and mrs sit on two the iron chairs and shake their heads as the curtain falls pf by and co london and satire and kindly humour a daily ss by c with illustrations hardy written with brightness and elegance and with tions by hardy in his happiest daily telegraph shrewd observation and brisk m r it in a manner peculiarly agreeable queen you will enjoy reading the book truth full of good feeling and good sense daily chronicle price three shillings and sixpence london wm street w c very funny shrewd and vanity fair old m i d s by i author op the bachelor s club children of the merely mary ann the and the painter etc with forty four illustrations by f h most strongly to be recommended to all classes of readers mr has a very bright and a very original and every page of this closely printed book is full of point and go and full too of a healthy satire that is really applied common sense national review there is excellent in the big extremely amusing the illustrations add greatly to the of the literary world price shillings and sixpence london wm street w c nearly ready by henry and with thirty illustrations by e contents on a bed of sickness on matrimony on the on the sea on visitors on luck on unselfish ness on good works on love on the music stool on purpose on girl on sunday morning on meals on heart on sleep on societies on language on learning on our own business on pleasure on our on our dogs on being engaged on letters on church on courage on honour and glory the last word price shillings and sixpence london wm i street w c a a work of rare humour a thing of beauty and a joy for now and ever punch the ge r of as in many instances wherein the serious ones of this earth carefully a ted have been prettily on to and while overcome by an undue sense of right by j m the book in itself in its binding print and arrangement is a work of art there b no lack of wit bright and original in the book indeed mr s happy thoughts are often irresistibly comic the very perfection of and james s the book is altogether so curious so dainty in all so absolutely unlike anything that ever before has proceeded from a ca y price ten shillings and sixpence london wm street w c ai street v c march i a list of mr william s and works b in this list can be obtained to order y any book if not in stock or will be sent by the post on receipt of price mr william s list n ei ot i t alexander j brown brown and butler cambridge de grand gray gray hardy page z ii x xi f i x and le lee lie n tis s c g d a von m c j s tree ward west white wood page xi x ii is xi ii xi x ii mr william s list in preparation his life his work and his time by mm mb br of tub of and by nothing need be said in justification of a comprehensive book upon the life and work of a classic among he is also a modem of his works are to day more sought after and better paid for than ever before he is now at the of a fame which can hardly decline the author of this work is perhaps of all living authorities on the one who has had the largest experience the best opportunity of knowing all that can be known of the master the latest inventions in and process have enabled the to almost everything that is accessible in the public galleries of europe as well as most of the numerous private containing specimens of s work in england and on the continent this work will be published in two volumes to each containing over pages there will be over about coloured of paintings and chalk drawings and illustrations in the text two will be printed one on limited to numbered copies for england and america with of the plates on india paper price f net the ordinary edition will be published at f net an illustrated is now ready and may be had on application orders will be received by all in town and country mr william s list questions at issue essays by in one volume crown vo uniform with gossip in a library a friend of the queen being correspondence between and de by paul in one volume vo from wisdom court by henry and with illustrations by e in one volume crown vo uniform with woman through a man s and the old maid s club the art of taking a wife by professor a translated from the italian in one volume crown the	44
or letters on art music popular life and politics by translated by charles crown s works vol the book of songs by translated by charles crown s works vol the works of large paper edition limited to numbered copies price per volume net sold only to for the complete work i ii and iii are now ready life of by richard ll d with portrait crown uniform with the translation of s works little by van translated from the dutch by bell with an introduction by illustrated a large paper edition stray memories by in one volume to illustrated songs on stone by j a series of drawings in colour by mr will appear from time to time in parts under the above title each containing four plates the first issue of copies will be sold at two guineas net per part by for the series only there will also be copies on tes paper signed by the five guineas net mr list a series of volumes by writers presenting in their a history of education the times j a series of on the great should prove of to all who themselves with the history theory and practice of education the speaker there is a sound about the title of mr s new series the great it should to j the hunger and thirst for knowledge and culture of the vast multitude of young men and maidens which our system turns out yearly provided at least with an appetite for instruction each subject will form a complete volume crown vo ready and the ancient thomas m a the times a very sketch of a very interesting subject and the system of the by rev thomas s j saturday review full of information if a school master would learn how the ed u ca t ion of the young can be carried on so as to confer real dignity on those engaged in it we recommend him to read mr book and the rise of the christian schools by professor f west d and education by self activity by h m a and the origin and early history of by professor in the faculty of in or education according to nature or modern german education or the friend and student of children and public education in the united states by butler d bell and or the english of to day by j g her majesty s of schools others mr william s list victoria queen and by john author of the real lord c in two volumes vo with portraits i alfred lord a study of his life and work by arthur b a with twenty illustrations from photographs specially taken for this work and five portraits second edition in one volume vo d twenty five years in the secret service the recollections of a spy by major eighth edition in one volume vo with portraits and price x s recollections of count together a letter to the women of france on the by c a translated from the russian by c k english in the university of st in one volume with portrait d the great war in a by rear admiral col r a captain charles d and f in one volume large with numerous illustrations d the family life of illustrated by one hundred and twenty two hitherto letters ad dressed by him to different members of his family by his nephew baron von and translated by charles in one volume with portraits d the works of translated by charles m a f r l s crown cloth per volume times we can recommend no better medium for making acquaintance at first hand with the german than the works of translated by charles mr pretty successfully to preserve the easy grace of the original i nights the of and shake s maidens and women ii iii pictures of travel in two volumes iv the v vi germany in two volumes vii viii french affairs letters from paris and in two ix the book of songs others in large paper edition limited to numbered copies z r each net volumes z ready on application mr william s list the old maids club by i author of the illustrated by f h crown vo doth f through a man s by c with illustrations by hardy crown vo cloth r td girls and women by e vo cloth td i or gilt extra td gossip in a library by author of northern studies c second edition crown vo gilt top x large paper edition limited to numbered copies net the life of by translated by bell with the verse done into english from the original by crown vo cloth x de being letters and other records here first published with communications from the more professor and others with introduction notes and narrative by alexander h ll d f r s e in two volumes vo cloth with portraits net the works of thomas de with introduction and notes from the author s by alexander h ll d f r s e c crown vo doth s each l de with other essays il conversation and with other essays studies of religious history by late of the french academy in one volume vo td the s manual under the london chamber of being a practical on the power and duties of an with the rules and of the court of and the forms by joseph author of trade marks etc the gentle art of making enemies as in many instances wherein the serious ones of this earth carefully exasperated have been prettily on to and while overcome by an undue sense of right by j m a new edition to half cloth lor the jew at home impressions of a summer and autumn spent with him in and russia by joseph with illustrations by the author to cloth the new	44
from the french of de pall t r admirable from beginning to end ranks amongst the best gems of modem french fiction the chief justice from the german of author of for the right c new review few novels of recent times have a more sustained and human interest work while ye have the light from the russian of count guardian z a and well translated full of high and feeling from the italian of leader the book is full of a glowing and living there is nothing like in modem literature from the spanish of don s daily telegraph and powerful in the highest degree footsteps of fate from the dutch of the art of the writer prevents this tragedy from sinking to not a angle situation is forced or a circumstance exaggerated from the spanish of new review mr george there is no doubt at all that it is one of the best stories that have appeared in any country in europe for the last twenty years the s daughters from the of lie everything that lie writes is attractive and pleasant the plot of deeply human interest and the art noble the of the from the of national observer it is a book to read and a book to think about for it b the work of a man of genius from the german of baron alexander von from the spanish of in press without from the polish of h mother s hands and other stories from the of mr william s list popular et n s the mother and the last confession by hall author of the the c the by hall author of the c mr writes i you upon the as i work of art and especially upon the noble and drawn character of times in our judgment it in dramatic force all his previous efforts for grace and touching pathos is a character any in the might be proud to have created the a new by hall twentieth thousand mr t it is a work of which i recognise the freshness and sustained interest no less than its integrity of aim standard its argument is grand and it is sustained with a power that is almost marvellous desperate by thomas hardy author of of the d c saturday review a remarkable story worked out with abundant skill a little by cambridge author of a marked man c a marked man some in his life by cambridge author of two years time a mere chance c morning post a depth of feeling a knowledge of the human heart and an amount m tact that one rarely finds take a prominent place among the novels of the season the three miss kings by cambridge author of a marked man a charming study of character the love stories are excellent and the author is happy in tender situations not all in vain by cambridge author of a marked man the three miss kings c guardian a clever and absorbing story queen all that remains to be said is read the book a knight of the white feather by author of the penance of james uncle of s hill c uncle of s hill by new popular edition guardian every page of it contains good wholesome food which demands and the tale itself is thoroughly charming and all the characters are delightfully drawn we strongly recommend all lovers of wholesome novels to make acquaintance with it themselves and are much mistaken if they do not heartily thank us for the introduction the return of the o by author of in the valley c with illustrations in the valley by author of the girl s brother s wife c with illustrations times the literary value of the high the author s studies of presenting a life like picture pretty miss smith by author of the house on the marsh a witch of the hills c punch since miss s house on the marsh i not read a more exciting tale mr s list x popular the story op a penitent soul being the private of mr dart late minister at e in th county of by author of no nor wife nor maid by mrs of c queen it has all the of the writer work and greater depth than most of its s reading interesting a novel by mrs alexander author of the o t a the present work is not behind any of its is a healthy story and as it has been thoughtfully written it has the merit of creating thought in its readers daughters of men by author of the prince of the c daily singularly clever and academy if not also the stories that have appeared for a long time a romance of the cape frontier by author of through the country c this is a rattling genial healthy and snow and fire a tale of the war of by the master op the by elizabeth and d ward k story the head of the firm by mrs author of george c the average woman by with an introduction by james the attack on the mill and other sketches of war by with an essay on the short stories of m by and other stories by miss and other stories by henry author of c in the press los a romance of the modem time by author of and what dreams may come full of fresh and suggestions told with strength and a decidedly charming romance a modern marriage by the a story and carried out black and a decidedly clever book a william ann s list popular madame by f c author of as in a looking glass c the moment after a tale of	44
of some importance xvi mr a pilgrimage to the shrine of shakespeare contents ix xvii containing some intimate from with the explanation of such apparent xviii mr is a little over ingenious in his excuses xix mr tries a fresh tack his visit to the india office and sympathetic reception xx mr himself in the bar examination but is less successful in other respects he writes another extremely ingenious from which he the happiest results xxi mr before he is quite out of the wood xxii mr places the hands of a with certain mr his statement of defence and makes his preparations for the north he allows his patriotic sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary outburst of to which no serious importance need be attached xxiv mr relates his experiences upon the xxv mr the thrilling account of his experiences on a scotch greatly to his own contents xxvi mr expresses some opinions how he secured his first salmon with the manner in which he presented it to his divinity mr is compelled to return to town thereby his the benefit of his personal assistance a n apparent attempt to pack the jury v notes taken by mr in l during the proceedings further proceedings in the case of v mr s opening for the defence xxx v impart heard mr finds cross examination much less formidable than he had anticipated v continued the brings his speech to a somewhat unexpected conclusion and mr q c addresses the fury in reply containing the conclusion of the whole matter and which many readers will receive in a spirit of resignation mr s final farewell list of illustrations let out i let out a golden headed umbrella fresh as a rose miss endured the total upset with a large f stout by a polite agreeable stranger a tall male gentleman a beaming of indescribable became once more the silent tomb in of the spectators saluted me with shouts of joy as the returned some haughty masculine might insult her under my very nose wa here i said reverently that the swan of was to dark gentlemen ascended his with a in his facing title eye n pitch it strong my respectable sir de a royal command from the queen is ns xi xii illustrations would be improved by the simple addition of some knee caps i am addressed by an street as a blooming n of incredible and appearance i presented my and treasure to the fairy like miss whether he had f ram fresh as a and fine as a fresh scraped q c e gradually the text and illustrations of this book are by kind permission of the of punch letter from to the punch venerable and ludicrous sir permit me most respectfully to bring beneath your notice a proposal which i serenely anticipate will turn up under the sunshine of your esteemed approbation sir i am an able b a of a respectable indian university now in this country for purposes of being crammed through of court and law and rendering myself a completely or in the native bar of the high court since my here i have accomplished the laborious perusal of your and tip top and i am like a duck in thunder with admiring at the and with which your paper is ready to burst in its department but when i turn my critical attention to the literary contents i am met with a lamentable deficiency and no great shakes for i note there the fly in the and to wit the utter xiv introduction of a correct and classical style in english composition to the highly educated native gentleman who your printed articles hoping fondly to find himself in a well of english pure and it proves merely to fish in the air conceive sir the result to one to the skin of his teeth in best english of and good prose and dramatic passages published with notes for the use of the native student at in a and of distorted and very and purely london which must be of necessity to him as casting pearls before a swine and i have the honour to inform you of a number of cultivated lively young native b a s both here and in my country who are quite capable to appreciate really fine writing and periods if published in your paper and which would result in a feather in your cap and bring increase of to the mill if honoured sir you feel disposed to yourself up with the blanket of a non and reply to me that your existing drivers are too fat and shallow for the production of more polished aye not even if they bum the night light oil and hear the at midnight i will not be by the introduction xv of your and shall make you the answer that i am willing for an exceedingly paltry to rush into the knot and write you the most superior essays on every conceivable and inconceivable subject under the sun as per enclosed which i forward respectfully for your delightful and golden opinions faithfully that all of your readers in every and district will fall in love with such a new departure and fresh tack the specimens i send are not my only very ordinary and affairs but ex hon ble sir and you will see how superior are even such poor compared to the fiddle and style of article with which you are being off by puzzle headed and self i can also turn out poetry after models of poets mrs co done to a so as not to be detected even by the as mere imitation but in every respect up to the mark and the real pure therefore hon ble sir do not hesitate to strike	44
eyes but i shall next make the further complaint that even when making every effort to do the civil the result is apt to kill with kindness and as king charles the first when they were shuffling off his mortal politely for the long time that his head took to so i too must draw attention to the fact that the duration of formal visits is far too protracted and long drawn out a certain young english gentleman dwelling in the temple whose acquaintance l have formed earnestly requested that i should do him the honour of a visit and recently wishing to be hail fellow well met i presented myself before him about a m he greeted me with shaking me warmly by the hand and begging me to be seated and making many inquiries whether i hurry preferred india to england and what progress i was making in my studies c and so forth all of which i answered faithfully to the best of my abilities after that he addressed me by fits and starts and yet displaying so manifest and a delight in my society that he could not bring himself to the audience while i was to conceal my immense and the ardent desire i had conceived to leave him and thus he detained me there hour after hour until five minutes past one p m when he recollected with many professions of that he had an appointment to take his and dismissed me inviting me cordially to come again if however it is expected of me that i can devote three hours and a half to i must respectfully answer with a for my time is more precious than and so i will beg not only mr dew esq at law all other saxon friends and their families to accept this as a sap and wink to a blind horse some account of mr s experiences at the ii play being by with ticket of admission to theatrical entertainment by students at westminster college i presented myself at the scene of acting in a state of and anticipation on a certain wednesday evening in the month of december last about p m at the summit of the stairs i was received by a of polite and in white who after large circular from my ordered me to ascend to a lofty gallery where on arriving i found every chair pre occupied and moreover was to a prospect of the backs of numerous heads while expected to remain the evening on the of expectation and s mare this for a while i endured from native timidity and retirement until my bosom boiled over at the sense of sum and descending to the barrier i the keeper with great length and eloquence informing him that i was of lo hurry high class native university after passing most tedious and difficult with fugitive colours and that it was injurious and to my in to remain on legs for some hours beholding what i practically found to be invisible but though he turned an indulgent ear to my he professed his inability to help me over my until i ventured to play the card and inform him that i was a distinguished representative of hon ble who was anxious for me to be a seat on the lap of luxury then he and admitted me to the body of the where i was conducted to a of in near to members of the fair sex and of beauty thus by dint of i was in the bed of and seventh heaven and more so when on inquiry from a i understood that the performance was taken from mr s theatre which i had heard was conspicuous for excellence in fierce blood and scenes in court and i to him how i too when a and had engaged in theatrical and played such parts in native as heroic and tiger in which i was an au and also in select scenes b a u from s play of in english and being correctly attired as a scotch but presently i discovered that the play was quite another sort of being a comedy by a notorious ancient author of the name of and written entirely in latin which a expressed a fear lest she should find it incomprehensible and obscure i hastened to her by explaining that having been turned out as a b a by indian college i had acquired perfect familiarity and nodding acquaintance with the early roman and latin tongues and offering my services as of and the entire which rendered her red as a with delight and gratitude when the performance commenced with a representation of the roman and a venerable elderly man to himself and then carrying on a protracted with another although i understood sundry and phrases such as cur and the like all of which i translated i could not succeed in learning the reason why they were having such a snap until the interval when the lady informed me herself that it was because one of them had carried off a girl belonging to the other s son which caused me to marvel greatly at her hurry i looked that in the next portion of the performance i might behold the girl and witness her forcible rescue or at least some exhibition but she remained and sealed and though other characters in addition to the elderly gentlemen appeared they were all exclusively masculine in and there was nothing done but to converse by and when the third portion opened with a long peep of i told my neighbour confidently that now at last we were to see this dancing girl and the but she replied that it was not so for these females were merely the mother of the wife of another of the youths and her attendant and even this precious pair after weeping and wringing	44
their hands for a while vanished not to appear again now as the entertainment proceeded i fell into the with increasing and mortification to see around me ay even the women and the tenderest clap the hands and laugh in their sleeves with merriment at and in which in spite of all my classical i could not discover le pour tire or crack so much as the cream of a jest but must sit there melancholy as a cat or smile at the wrong end of mouth for indeed i began to fear that i had been off with the education of a painted that i should fail so b a to comprehend what was plain as a staff to the british babe and however on observing more closely i discovered that most of the grown up present had books containing the translation of all the which they secretly and that the were also provided with pink on which the dark outline of the plot was inscribed moreover on casting my eyes up to the gallery i perceived that there were there armed with long and that the small youths did not indulge in and except when threatened by these and thereupon i took heart seeing that the proceedings were clearly veiled in an and language and it was simply matter of and custom to at fixed intervals so i did at rome as the did and was laughter holding both his sides as often as i beheld the in a state of agitation i am not unaware that it is to bring a coal from to pronounce any critical opinion upon the qualities of so a comedy as this but while i am to make every allowance for its having been composed in a period of i would still hazard the criticism that it does not excite the with the of such modern standard works as miss hurry brown or aunt of to either of which i would the palm for pure and me to admit however that the conclusion of the in which a certain summoned a black demon from the world who after commanding a to give a back to sundry grotesque personages did their portions severely with a large was a striking and upon the preceding scenes and evinced that possessed no deficiency of up to date and genuine humour though i could not but reflect si and lament that he should have hidden his for so long under the stifling disguise of a i am a beggar at describing the and most admired disorder amidst which i performed the descent of the staircase in a savage perspiration my elbows and heels by a dense and going with nose in pocket from due to national cowardice while the mob and for and hats around very through which bewildered handed out bundles of sticks and in vain hope to such impatience nor did i succeed to the recovery of my hat and until after and a half minutes time and b a with the labours of for the golden i for which i was minded at first to address a sharp remonstrance and claim for to some in authority but perceiving that by such fishing in troubled waters i was the of a golden headed umbrella fresh as a rose i decided to accept the olive branch and bury the bone of mr gives his concerning the it is les and that the queen s most excellent majesty being partial to poetry should desire to have constant private supply from respectable tip top genius to be kept snug on royal premises and ready at momentary notice to oblige with song or according as high or are the court orders of the day but how far more satisfactory if right hon ble instead of some already notorious bard with this and thus a lily should throw the office open to competition by public and after carefully weighing such considerations as the s the of his imagination his and so on should the palm of fame to the poet who succeeded best in his fancy i had some such method been adopted the whole indian empire might to day have been pleased as punch by the selection of a gentleman to do the job for i should i b a have entered myself for the running unfortunately such opportunity of throwing soup to and exhibiting colour blindness has been given the slip though the door is perhaps still open even at past eleven o clock p m for the false step and web of for i would respectfully submit to her imperial majesty that in her capacity of queen of england and of india she has urgent necessity for a court poet for each department who would be and two of a trade and share the duties with their or if she would be unwilling to pay the to such a tune i alone would work the in both indian and saxon and the annual tub of for equivalent in cash down and if i may make the suggestion i would strongly advise that this question of my joint or several appointment should be severely taken up by london press as matter of simple justice to india this is without prejudice to the already appointed as a swan and singing bird of the first water all i desire is that the public should know of another and perchance even who is and could be obtained dog cheap for a mere song or a in the if only there is made a national appeal hurry to the sovereign that he should be promoted to such a and as a specimen of the of my divine please find copy of complimentary verses written by myself on hearing of s selection indulgence is kindly requested for very hasty composition and circumstance of being greatly and at time of writing by an full sized boil on	44
had her likeness taken by hon ble sir or and not even if they implored her on their and that as for a certain individual named it was a to her how respectable people could stand in front of such brazen performances these remarks are trivial perhaps but even will serve as of the weather on occasions and moreover i shall that the most general tone was of a critical and severity and it was quite evident that the greater portion of the spectators could have done the job better themselves a certain came in for the s mess of having represented the god of wealth in the act of carrying off a female but the figures so and in such a hurry of confused that the produced but a very paltry impression the carelessness of this painter may be from the fact that in a composition blue lights to warn off the blue lights are conspicuous by their total absence and the of the conditions renders it difficult to distinguish either the or the with even tolerable accuracy in the room were sundry productions from and and other schools such being the teaching over which hon ble and and and co as old masters but surely it is unfair and like a kid in the maternal to class such crude and performances with works by more hands here i observed a painting to illustrate scenes in the life of an important who was represented many times over having separate adventures in the space of a few square feet and of a compared to his perspective surroundings had this been the work of an indian artist native gentlemen out there would simply have smiled at such ignorance and given him the gentle that he was only to make a fool of himself for his pains there was also a picture of a in two portions with a b a background of gilt but the figure of the himself very poorly represented as an where all is so so so and below par it is perhaps to single out any for hon ble mention but loyalty as a british subject me to speak of a concern lent by her majesty the queen and representing a youth engaged in a snap with a meek and who himself on one leg and is occupied in his nose behind his arm until his and aged mother can arrive to rescue her beloved offspring from his grave crisis this at least can be commended as being true to nature as i can from personal experience of similar boyish although owing to preserving my sang i was generally able to remove myself with rapidity from vicinity of shocking by my let me not omit to mention a painting of by a artist which miss said was the french equivalent to punch at which speaking loudly for instruction of i assured them as one familiarly connected with hon ble who regarded me as a son such a portrait was the very to his majestic nor was it reasonable to suppose that he would allow his to be depicted in the of a hurry i trust that i may be gratefully remembered by my lord and that he will be gracious enough to entertain me with something in the shape of prize or in reward for such open testimony as the above i have only to add that the preserved the of our with honorable fidelity and that we the drooping clay of our internal at an tea company with a profusion of for which my fair friends with amiable permitted me the privilege of out in which mr expresses his opinions on as a in consequence of the increasing demands of the miss upon the dancing attendance of your humble servant i am lately become as idle as a newly painted ship and have not drunk in the legal wisdom of the learned who lecture in the hall of my inn of court or opened the ponderous of hon ble justice or on for many a blank day still as philosopher observed a me and my time has not been actually in the of but rather employed in the proper study mankind and acquiring a more complete in so i think it worth to direct public attention to the dangers of a practice which to develop into an kind of plague and carry the of a serpent over our household families unless promptly by benevolent firmness of a paternal government need i explain i am alluding to the hurry passion for at a severe speed by dint of and most precarious machinery it is now the exception which breaks the rule to take the air in the streets without being startled by the spectacles of citizens upon such their way with under the very noses of and other horses and ringing the shrill of a nay even after the has taken its toll from the of parting day and darkness supreme they will urge on their wild career illuminated by the dim religious light of a small oil lamp i possess no of medical knowledge but i boldly state my opinion that such must necessarily inflict a result to the nervous of these and who knows of their posterity for no one can expect to have escapes from the running without suffering a internal panic while of fatal injury to life and limb have become de for i can support my by the crushing weight of personal experience a few mornings since i had the honour to escort miss and a middle aged select female into the interior of park the day was fine b a though and i was wearing my fur lined overcoat with boots of patent leather and a gold embroidered cap so that i was a mould of form and the howling picture my amazement when as i the path beside the waters of the lake i beheld a wheeled of every	44
conceivable age sex and appearance and baby women some plump as a others thin as a paper thread aye and even priests in black and milk white rolling swiftly upon two wheels and all to dash through thick and thin on seeing which the lady did exclaim upon the difficulties of the performance and the vast crowd that had collected to view such a tour but i perceiving that those seated upon the machines used no exertions and indeed appeared to be wholly engrossed in social intercourse responded that no skill was required to these which owing to being surrounded with air cushions would proceed and without thereupon miss expressed an ardent desire to behold myself upon one of these same machines and as we were now close to the of hon ble duke of disguised as an near hurry which were certain with i wishing to pleasure my fair companion approached one of these and with him for the sole of his vehicle for the space of one hour to which he consented at the of one four but on receiving the from his hands i at once perceived myself under a total impossibility of its ascent for no sooner had i one leg over the saddle than the foremost wheel averted itself and the entire machine bit the dust which afforded lively and infinite entertainment to my feminine companion i however reproached the for furnishing a worn out affair that was not in working order or a going concern but he by assuring me that it was all right me into trying once more so myself of my fur lined overcoat which i commanded a of the class to hold i again mounted upon the saddle while the proprietor of the machine sustained it in a position of and then supporting me by the of my he me from the rear me to press my feet vigorously upon the but it all proved as the labour of for the seat was of sadly insufficient dimensions and and whenever the b a man released his hold i endured the total upset then again i him for his informing him that i required a machine that would run with smooth precisely similar to those i beheld in motion around me to which he replied that i must not expect to be able to ride as well as individuals who had only mastered the accomplishment by long of practice and industry oh man of tongue i addressed him not thus will you my supposed simplicity for if the art were indeed so difficult as you pretend how should it be acquired by so many timid and delicate and mere this machine of yours is nothing but an de combat with which it is not possible to work the at which with indignation he leaped upon it and to my surprise did easily it in whatsoever direction he pleased and its motive power appeared to be similar in every respect to the rest so by his representations that under his instructions i should speedily become a i once more suffered myself to mount the machine but whether from energy of my or the alarming fact that we were upon the descent of a slope i was hurry soon at finding that my was stripped out and i abandoned to the of my fork oh my goodness my heart turns to water at the recollection of such an for the now and in seven league boots while i wet as a with anxiety and perspiration did grasp the handles like the horns of a calling out in accents to the help i am running away with myself half a for my life but they were all as if to burst with laughter and none had the ordinary heroism to and i with ever increasing rapidity was borne helplessly down the towards the gates of park comer when by the benevolence of providence the wheel ran under a railing and i flew off like a into the comparative security of a mud on my return and inquiry for my fur lined overcoat i had the further shock to discover that it was after such a shuddering experience and narrow of my safety i confidently appeal to the authorities to this highly dangerous and sort of amusement or at the very least to issue paternal orders that in future no one shall be permitted to ride upon any possess b a ing less than three wheels or guilty of a greater than three or four miles per hour the fair miss this proposal by suggesting that the public should be at once to but this is perhaps and an instance of the over solicitude of the female intellect for it is not to treat an who has assumed the and tall hat as if he was still and in a and dealing with his adventures at the form is now become an n h in literature and so like a de i shall follow the fashion occasionally though with rather more obedience to a literary elegant style of than my in punch have thought worth to practise time the other morning scene the breakfast table at house grove myself and other select engaged in fowl eggs with their bacon while discussing subjects for we carry out the poetical of plain thinking and high living miss at the table head the papers seem eloquent in of the sporting and military show at how i should like to go if i had anyone to take me i mr and i would be at so tip top an opportunity but for circumstance of being broken helps himself to the fowl egg mr in tone b a that do for me such otherwise he treats himself to a myself taking a leap into the darkness and deadly since other gentlemen are not more in gallantry i tender myself for honour of and miss lowering	44
the silken curtains of her like oh really prince so unexpected i must obtain the expert opinion of my mamma mistress did approve the on condition of our being by a select lady of the name of as a to play at propriety at which i was disgusted fearing she would play the old with our d having arrived at we the prior to the commencement of the shows and here after parting with rs for three seats on the balcony i did more freely still for miss expressed a passionate longing to possess my out of paper by the of a for which i one shilling sterling and after all although it proved the alter and speaking likeness of my cap and golden spectacles she found the fault that it rendered my complexion of a too excessive not reflecting with feminine hurry that the material being black as a this criticism applied to the of all alike i farther on i presented her and the female with a pocket handkerchief a piece by a with their another then we arrived at a cage containing an devil revealing the future for a penny in the and miss worked the with a coin advanced by myself and the demon after flashing his and consulting sundry playing cards did presently produce a small paper which she opened eagerly miss after perusal only fancy i it says i m to marry a dark man and go for a long journey and be very rich what ridiculous nonsense do you not think so prince myself with a tender poet there are more things in heaven and earth than the philosophy i am not a superstitious and yet this mechanical demon may have seen correctly through the brick wall of have you not a who might be described as dark and to whose native land it is a long journey miss with the complexion of a it s time we took our seats for the performance and you are not to be a silly it is notorious that the english female b a contains no more caressing and flattering epithet than this of a silly so that i repaired to my seat encouraged by such gracious appreciation of the show i can testify that it was truly magnificent though the portion was somewhat spoilt by the too great of the which is daily increasing its nor do i see the of engaging a in boots to attend upon each machine under the transparent of its belonging to the since it can never become the of a horse in vivacity my companions greatly at the severe of the of the which were shaped like the interior of a huge bowl and while i was to them how from scientific considerations and owing to the forces of it was not possible for any rider to become a of his lo and behold two of the made the and were in the of a calamity but on being they did limp away and it is to hope that they suffered no serious of their vital organs still i cannot approve of these which are veritable flights at the features hurry after the termination i conducted my pro es to the where we sat under a brought by a neat handed in the uniform of a house maid with a hospital nurse here occurred a most for presently miss uttered the complaint that two strangers were regarding herself and miss with the brazen eyes of a sheep and even making personal comments on my which rendered me like under a with burning indignation at length being utterly beside myself with rage i summoned one of the and requested her to take steps to the nuisance being met with a smiling so my companions not to give way to panic and leave their cause in my hands i went in search of a policeman unfortunately some time flew before i could find one at liberty to understand my position nor could i obtain from him a legal opinion as to whether i could administer a or a slap in the ear to my without risk of in kind and on returning to the spot with a large stout i had the mortification to discover that the two strangers had departed and that and were however after prolonged search and mental b a anxiety i returned alone and was rewarded by finding my fair friends arrived in safety and hearing that the two strangers had explained in the gentlemanly terms of an apology that they had mistaken them for acquaintances consequently i am thankful that i did not execute my design of assault and battery more especially as i am the happy of many handsome compliments on all sides upon the and with which i myself from my shocking fix at which my countenance beams with the shiny of self satisfaction how mr risked a to capture something vii very like a whale i am this week to an stroke of bad luck to the present writer the of the affair was the addressing of a humble petition to the indulgent ear of hon ble calling attention to the great of my literary out put and the ardent longing i experienced to behold the colour of money on account on which by returning post my soul was by the refreshing draught of a if i may be permitted the rather de to my order so uplifted by pride at finding the insignificant i had cast upon the waters return to me after numerous days in the improved form of and fishes i my footsteps to the bank on which my was and requested the behind the counter to honour it with the equivalent in filthy which they did with alacrity after closely the notes to satisfy myself that i had not been imposed upon by i emerged with a b a beaming and joyful countenance the needful away carefully	44
in an interior pocket and on descending the bank step was by a polite agreeable stranger who begging my pardon with profusion inquired whether he had not had the honour of from india with me in the the for his life he could not recall the name of the ship he should forget his own name presently indeed i answered him i cannot remember having the felicity of an encounter with you upon the the stranger to be sure that was the name a truly magnificent vessel i forget names but faces never and yours i remember from the striking resemblance to my dear friend the of you know him a very elegant young handsome chap a splendid i was often on the verge of asking if you were related but being then but a second class passenger and under an cloud did not dare to take the liberty now being on the bed of owing to of wealthy uncle i can address you without the fear of so in return i without absolutely claiming with the of whom indeed i had never heard did inform him that i too was the of luck having just drawn the of a salary hurry for and contributed to punch he warmly congratulated me expressing high appreciation of my articles and abilities but exclaiming at the miserable of my saying he was thick as a thief with the editor and would leave no stone to procure me a greater of for writings that were dirt cheap at a jew s eye and presently he invited me to accompany him to a respectable sort of tavern and the honour of my having a at his expense to which i perceiving him to be a good natured simple fellow by sudden prosperity consented accepting contrary to my normal his offer of a brandy or an old tom while we were of india concerning which i found that like most he had not been long enough in the country to be accurately informed enters a third party who it so happened was an early acquaintance of my companion though separated by the old sign of a what followed i shall render in a dialogue form the third party why you have a prosperous appearance when last met you suffered from the of a mouse have you made your fortune mr i am too easy a and there b a are too many in the world that i should ever make my own fortune johnson happily for me an and ancient relative has lately departed to reside with the morning stars and left me wealth outside the dream of an mr johnson god bless my soul some folks have the good luck to me whispering a poor hammer sort of chap he will soon throw it away on and ducks rf mr splendid i congratulate you sincerely mr t in a tone of the heart where the shoe it johnson my lot is not a rose bed for my antique and eccentric relative must needs a condition commanding me to the inheritance unless within three months from his last i shall have distributed ten thousand pounds amongst young deserving foreigners to morrow time is up and i have still a thousand pounds to give away but how to discover genuine young deserving foreigners in so short a space truly i go in fear of losing the whole mr j let me act as your in this and the remaining thousand mr t from what i remember of you as a youth i cannot wholly rely on your discretion rather would i place my confidence in this gentleman hurry indicating myself who turned orange with pleasure mr j indeed and how know you that he may not to the entire thousand mr t and if he does it is no matter if he is a genuine deserving i can give the whole to him if i am so minded and he need not give away a penny of it unless inclined at which i was fit to dance with delight mr j i deny that you possess the power seeing that he is a british subject and as such cannot be a foreigner mr there you have a point indeed alas that we have no big wig here to decide it myself modestly as a native poor student of english law i venture to think that by dint of my legal i shall be enabled to crack the nut i am distinctly of opinion that an individual bom of dusky parents in a tropical climate is a foreigner in the eye of british prejudice and within the meaning of the and here i maintained my assertion by a of such brilliancy and that i completely convinced the minds of both mr f to mr assuming he is correct why favour him more than me mr t because instinct me that a gentleman with such a face as his however b a dusky may be trusted and with the gold mr j and i am not to be trusted if you were to hand me your now full of notes and gold and let me walk into the street with it do you doubt that i should return speak mr t assuredly not but so too would this gentleman me as mr johnson sneered a doubt here you sir take this out into the street for five minutes or so i trust to your honour to return it after i had emerged triumphantly from this severe ordeal of my johnson am i the judge of men or not mr f still seeking as i could see to me in his friend s favour who would steal a paltry and lose f if i had so much to give away i should wish to be sure that the party i was about to had corresponding confidence in me now though	44
i have always considered you as a dull i know you to be strictly honest and would trust you with all i possess in proof of which take these two golden sovereigns and few shillings outside stay away as long as you desire you will return i know you well myself penetrating this shallow and the engine driver on his own who would not risk a paltry f to gain oh a magnificent confidence truly hurry mr j to me have you the ordinary manly pluck to act likewise if you are expecting him to trust you with the pot of money he has a right to expect to be trusted in return that is logic mr t no johnson you are too hasty johnson the cases are different i can understand the gentleman s very natural hesitation i do not ask him to show his confidence in me enough that i feel i can trust him if he doubts my honesty i shall think no worse of him whichever way i decide eventually here terrified lest by hesitation i had wounded hint at his and lest after all he should decide tp the thousand pounds to mr johnson hastily produced all the and i had upon me including a valuable large golden and chain of best english make and him to go into the outer air for a while with them which after repeated he at last consented to do leaving myself and mr johnson to wait mr f after tedious lapse of ten minutes strange i i expected him back before this but he is an absent minded chuckle headed chap very likely he is staring at a horse and has forgotten this affair i had better go in search of him what you will b a come too capital then if you go to the right and i to the left we cannot miss him but we did and in a short time both were invisible to the eye nor have i heard from them since certain of my fellow on hearing the matter declared that i had been by a trick but it is absurd that my in knowledge of the world should have been so much at fault and moreover why should one who had succeeded to vast riches seek to rob me of my paltry possessions it is much more probable that they are still diligently seeking for me having omitted owing to hurry of moment to ascertain my name and address and i request mr on reading this to forward the thousand pounds or so much thereof as in his generosity he may deem sufficient to me at house grove w or care of his friend the editor of by whom it will i am sure be handed over nor need mr fear my reproaches for his for there is a somewhat proverb that is to how mr delivered cm at a v i ii ing club miss whom i have mentioned as a feminine of house is in a member of a female society which once a week in various private grove for intercourse so she expressing an anxious desire that i should attend one of these i consented on that i should be afforded the opportunity of the with which i have been gifted in an on the appointed evening i directed my steps under the guidance of the said miss to a certain imposing residence hard by wherein were an of female women conversing with in a delicious atmosphere of tea coffee and bread after having freely of these we made the to a parlour with seated chairs and adorned with countless and there we began to beg the question at issue to whit to what extent has if b a any contributed towards the cause of female which was opened by a tall male with a lofty and a shining forehead and round spectacle glasses he read a very paper from which i learnt that was the writer of innumerable new of very intentions exposing the hollow of all established social especially in the matrimonial department when he had ceased there was a universal and unanimous silence due to female for the duration of several minutes until the to have the courage of her opinions and the ice being once one succeeded another in in the teeth of the of the hon ble and of their and resumed their seats with abrupt stating that they had no further remarks to make then ensued another of golden silence and slow time as poet says which was as if to become had not i rushing in where the angels were in fear of slipping up caught the speaker in the eye and tipped the wink of my to prevent disappointment i shall report my with accuracy myself assuming a perpendicular attitude hurry one hand among my buttons and waving the other with a graceful hon ble miss and hon ble the humble individual now on his limbs before you is a from a land whose ignorant inhabitants are accustomed to treat the females of their species as small and fiddle yes and in india the woman is forbidden to eat except in the solitude and after her lord and master has his pangs of hunger she may not make the excursion without permission and then solely in a covered or the sealed interior of a blinded carriage cries of shame in the she is to the occupation of or listening to fairy tales of so an that i shrink to my ears by the repetition even of the bits subdued groans such being the case you can imagine the astonishment and gratification i have experienced here this evening at the intelligence and manifested by so many a flattered rustle and prolonged the late respectable dr ben johnson gifted author of biography applause once rather remarked on witnessing a performed by that b a although their abilities were of but	44
a nature the was that they should be capable at all to execute such a hind legged feat and tour it is to me a gaping marvel that tongues should hold forth upon subjects which are naturally far outside the of their the subject for our to night is to what extent has contributed to the cause if any of female and being a total up to date of the sheer existence of said hon ble gentleman i shall from scratching my head over so a and confine myself to to the of sundry lady there was a stout full blown matron with grey curl and a bonnet and who her conviction that it was degrading and dig for any woman to be treated as a doll hear hear well i would the questionable egg of a doubt whether any masculine could regard the speaker herself in a aspect and will assure her that in my every cultivated native gentleman would approach her with the cold shoulder of apprehensive the matron becomes than the cherry with complacency and herself vigorously hurry next i shall deal with the tall meagre female near the fire hearth in hair and a nose pinch who set up the claim that her sex were in all the equals if not the of man now without any of words i will proceed to various important physical which by hon ble reminding me that these were not in i bow to and kiss the rod by up the of my argument that it is to suppose that a woman can be the equivalent of a man either in intellectual in bodily or in physical courage of the last i shall afford an proof from my own person it is notorious et that every feminine person will flee in dismay from the approach of the smallest mouse i am a and as such endowed with the instinct and yet shall i in appalling consternation if a mouse is to my vicinity certainly i shall not and why because though not a i nevertheless to the masculine sex and my heart is not capable of at the mere aspect of a this is not to blow the triumphant trumpet of superiority but to prove a simple fact by dint of an a b a having my pinched nose i pass on to a speaker of a very very opposite personality the well maiden with eyes gilded hair and teeth like the seeds of a oh si who in the musical accents of a her right to work out her own life of masculine companionship or assistance and declared that the element of courtship and was but the exploded mask of man s selfishness had such shocking sentiments been by some of the other lady in this room i must have recalled them to a certain fox which the grapes as too to merit but the particular speaker cannot justly be said to be on all with such an animal understand please i am no prejudiced narrow minded chap i would freely and generously permit and to undertake the manufacture of their own ad but when i behold a maiden of such excessive second by hon ble desiring me to from personal i assure the hon ble miss that i was not alluding to herself but since she has spoken in my wheel with such severity i will conclude with my on the subject for debate hurry namely the theatrical of hon ble when and i make the odious comparison of these works with which i am completely to the productions of poet where i may boast the familiarity that is a of contempt i find that in own words it is the of a satire and i shall assert the a of my belief that the melodious swan of stony whether judged by his his or the of his in or the musical glasses has every subsequent contemporary and them all with this i sat down leaving my audience as as fishes with admiration and amazement at the of my eloquence and should have been the of innumerable but for the fact that miss suddenly sensations of requested me without delay to conduct her from the assemblage i would willingly make a repetition of my visit and triumphs only miss me that she has recently terminated her with the above society how he saw the practice of the university and ix what he thought of it the notorious boat race of this will be and ex post by the time of publication of the present of and still i am sufficiently to think that the and personal experiences of a cultivated thoughtful native gentleman on this topic may not be found so stale and dry as the remainder of a first i will make a clean bosom with the confession that though desirous to witness such a struggle for the of old father the thames i was not the actual spectator of the affair being previously contracted to escort miss tow whose is equivalent to to a theatrical performance which she would in consent to that she had already seen the boat race to the verge of and that the spectacle was and paltry however on my kind and father hon ble of my disappoint hurry ment he did propose as a and blind bargain a voyage in the steam of the official coachman of one of the so that i might ascertain how the trick was done and at lo a m on the day of i presented myself at the premises of a certain society and on exhibiting my letter of credit to the or was received d and with an after i had hung fire and cooled my heels on the banks for a while i was instructed to enter a which conveyed me and others to a of very meagre dimensions whereupon owing to the heel of one of my leather shoes becoming	44
in the wire railing that the desk i was embarked in a attitude and severely the tall hat which i had assumed to do credit to the hon ble i represented s bill for same which those to whom it is of concern will please attend to and on recovery of my head gear and i stationed myself in close to the coach for purpose of being on the threshold of inquiries and proceeded to pop numerous questions to my neighbours i ascertained among other things that the vessels are b a called owing to their containing nine passengers that the ninth is called the cock and is a mere or in case any member of the crew should be overcome by during the contest and desire to it appears that the race is of religious and origin for only good men are permitted to and none who is a wine a or to any form of tobacco moreover they are to observe a strict fast and for many weeks previous to the ordeal the most prominent and judges of the supreme courts are usually chosen from this class of individuals which is a further proof of the attached to the competition consequently i was the more surprised at the of their or dry nurse who stretching himself upon his stomach in the did shout counsels of perfection at his receding pupils such as i overheard seemed to me of a very and description and some of an personality e g as when a certain was with being short as though he were capable of adding the inch to his stature another i heard advised to keep his organs in the interior of the boat though being hurry ordinary and not at all of a composition they could not be by again a third was reproached because of the with which he had made his beginning but as it was not asserted that he was inferior to the rest the of his was surely rather honourable than disgraceful i observed that said did almost for propriety being greatly shocked at the levity with which the were attired and them to keep their buttons well up though indeed i could discern none nor was there much which was possible to be for myself i must make the humble complaint that the hon ble coach was in courteous attention to my which he totally ignored for i could not prevail upon to explain what thing it was that he directed the to wait for to spring at from a and catch at the beginning nor why they were forbidden to row with their hands not being and able to employ their feet in such a manner nor whether when he commanded them to get in at once he intended them to leap into the waters or to return to the landing place nor why they did neither of these things nor why he should express satisfaction that a certain had got rid of a lofty feather which b a would ha e added to the of his appearance again hearing him anxiously inquire the time after a i was proceeding to explain how gladly i would have given him such information but for the absence of my golden owing to the failure of and johnson to restore the same whereupon he treated me in such a please go away and die sort of style that i subsided with utmost alacrity on the return voyage the eight was to a match by a scratched crew which appeared to me to be the superior in though it seemed it was then too late to make the happy exchange when the practice was at an end and the in a state of i intimated my desire to them and express my and admiration at beholding them content to suffer such hardships and perils and without or excuses for their and all for no pecuniary but the reward of a and i would have reminded them of the extended popularity of their performance and that it was an to the ox that upon one s corn appealing to them to stand up fo r their rights and refuse to com hurry except for the of a pro but the official seeing me about to climb upon the to deliver my entreated me with so much earnestness to that i became immediately mr is to seem v glove fight a young acquaintance of mine who is a member of a club where of are given did generously invite me on a recent monday evening to be the eye witness of this spectacle and though not i eagerly accepted his invitation on being assured that i should not be to take part personally in such exercises and should observe same from a safe distance and of for i am sufficiently a lover of to appreciate highly the sight of courage and science in third parties so he conducted me to the club house and by the open of a ticket enabled me to penetrate the barrier after which i followed his wake downstairs through rooms full of smoking and conversing mostly in attire to a long and lofty hall with and a stage at the further end with foliage painted in imitation of a forest which was by press the centre of the hall was by a white square platform confined by a hurry of rope which i was informed was the veritable theatre of war and presently two made the ascent of this platform with their attendant and did proceed to remove their and coats until they were in the state of nature with the exception of a whereupon the president or master of the ceremonies introduced them and their respective by name to the assemblage stating their precise and that these were related by ties of brotherhood at which i was for it is against nature and that relations should be on into family	44
nor can such proceedings tend to promote the happiness and of their home circle however on such occasion when the youths were in danger of injuries upon each other the president called out time in such tones that they hung their heads in and and at length they were persuaded into a and made the honorable by shaking each other by the hand i was rejoiced for as poet says birds which are in little nests should refrain from falling out the victory was to the elder brother in obedience i suppose to the rule of for he did not succeed in his opponent to a de combat b a next came a more bustling encounter between bill husband and mysterious smith which was protracted to the duration of eight rounds i was largely under the impression that husband was to win owing to the he received and the excessive with which he removed his head from vicinity of the blows of mysterious smith it was truly magnificent to see how they did embrace each other by the neck and the and suspicion in their glances when one discovered that he was resting his chin upon the hand of his adversary and from time to time the hon ble was heard ordering them to break away and not to hold or us to refrain from any remarks and at intervals they retired to sit upon chairs in opposing comers where they their mouths and were severely by their who agitated a large after the manner of a but in the end it was mysterious smith who hit the right nail on the head and was declared the conquering hero though once more i was to discover in what precise respects he was th around the hall there were announcing that smoking was respectfully and the president did repeatedly entreat members of the audience to refrain from blowing a hurry cloud assuring them that the perfume of tobacco was and to the and threatening to mention by name whereupon most did but some their cigars in the hollow of their hands took by and blushed to find it fame while others who were such and big pots that their own convenience was the first and foremost continued to smoke with and indifference and i am an of such conduct for it is unreasonable that a well bred genteel sort of individual should make the total sacrifice of a cigar for which he has perhaps paid as much as two or even four out of consideration for insignificant common hired to engage in for his entertainment the last competition was to be the and piece de resistance of the evening consisting of a in twenty rounds between tom of and from the same at which i was on the of expectation but although they commenced with dancing activity one of the in the very first round the other under the chin with such energy that he immediately became a for a period and on being elevated to a chair only sufficient consciousness to abandon the b a and then to my disappointment the announced that he was very sorry and could not help it but that was the concluding box of the evening i will reluctantly confess that on the whole i found the proceedings lacking in since they were of very limited duration and totally devoid of or any danger to the life and limb of the for it is not reasonably possible for a to make a palpable hit when his hands are as it were being and confined in soft gloves i am not a in such cases and i must respectfully submit that the cause of true sport can only be by such nursery and for none can expect to compound an without the of eggs upon remarking as above to my young lively friend he assured me that even a hand was competent to produce and tap the vital and offered to the truth of his statement if i would be the with him in a glove box but though doubting the of his i thought it to decline the proof of the and so took a leave of him with thanks for his kindness and many promises to put on the gloves with him at the first convenient opportunity mr finds himself in a position of extreme delicacy it is an fact that the discovery of steam is the most marvellous invention of the century for had it been predicted beforehand that innumerable millions of human beings would be transported with security at a headlong speed for hundreds of miles along a track the most temporary from which would produce the inevitable and no end of a the working majority would have expressed their candid opinion of such by the contemptuous of incredulity and yet it is now the highly accomplished fact and matter of course still i shall venture to express the opinion that the of such railway journeys is largely dependent upon the person who may be our travelling companion and that some of the companies are not quite careful enough in the of fellow passengers in proof of which i now beg to submit an instance from personal experience i was recently the of a visit to a friend of my boyhood namely b a ram with whom finding him at home in his lodgings in a distant i did hold politely affectionate intercourse for the space of two hours and then departed as i had come by train and the sole of a second class divided by a low at the next station the adjoining was suddenly invaded by a female of the type with a countenance and a bonnet in a and condition who was through the doorway by the of a porter and occupied a seat in immediate opposition to myself when the train resumed its motion i observed that she was contemplating me with a beaming	44
of indescribable and though she was of an exterior and many years my superior i constrained myself from motives of merest politeness to do some in return since only a would grudge such an economical and civility but whether she was of an unusually ardent temperament or whether against my i had invested my with an irresistible i cannot tell but she fell to making and and smiles which reduced me to and the necessity of looking earnestly out of window at at this she entreated me passionately not to hurry be unkind inviting me to cross to the next and seat myself by her side but i did this invitation politely urging that company s bye laws the placing of boots upon the seat cushions and my utter inability to pose as a to scale the barrier whereupon to my lively horror and amazement she did exclaim then i will come to you darling and commenced to scramble towards me over the at which i was in the blue perceiving the of her design to embrace me and resolved to leave no stone for the preservation of my bacon so at the moment she made the entrance into my i did simultaneously hop the into the next and she followed in pursuit and i once more achieved the return with inconceivable then as we were both like hamlet fat and short of breath i addressed her across the barrier assuring her that it was as if to milk the ram to set her bonnet at a poor young native chap who regarded her with nothing but esteem and her to sit down for the recovery of her wind but i this speech only to inspire her with and flourishing a large umbrella she exclaimed that she would teach me how to insult a lady b a after that she came once again over the and guarding my i into the next seeing the affair had become a qui pent and devil take the and at the nick of time when she was about to descend like a wolf on a fold i most fortunately perceived a provided for such pressing and rung it with such energy that the train immediately became stationary then as my female alighted on the floor of the in the limp condition of a i stepped across to my original seat and endeavoured to look as if with un wrung presently the guard appeared and what followed i can best render in the form of a dialogue the guard addressing the elderly female who is sitting smiling with beneath the bell pull so it is you who have sounded the alarm what is it all about the elderly female with warm indignation me i never did i am too much of the lady it was that young coloured gentleman in the next at which the tip of my nose goes down with the guard indeed a likely story how could the gentleman ring this bell from where he is myself with mental presence well said hurry guard the thing is not possible the guard i do not understand indian sir if you have anything to say about this affair you had better say it myself discretion with as a i must decline to bring any accusation against a member of the weaker sex and my tongue is sealed the f it was him who rang the alarm and not me he was in this and i in that the guard what have you been playing at hide and seek together then but if your story is he must have rung the bell in a state of abject bodily terror owing to your him about the f it is false i i have been well educated and belong to an excellent family i merely wanted to kiss him the guard i see what is your complaint you have been the drop too much and will hear of this from the company i must trouble you for your correct name and address myself after he had obtained this and was departing guard do most earnestly entreat you not to abandon me to the tender of this feminine i am not a in physical courage and have no desire to test b a the of poet pope s assertion that hell does not possess the fury of a scorned woman i request to be conducted into a better the guard with complimentary ah such young good looking as you ought to go about in a veil come with me and ril put you into a carriage you won t be run after there so the incident was closed and i did greatly compliment myself upon the sagacity and coolness of head with which i myself from my pretty kettle of fish for to have myself as the real would have rendered the affair more rather than less to my feminine companion and i should have been before the solemn bar of a police court magistrate who might even have made a star chamber matter of the incident all is well that is well over but when you have been once bitten you become doubly consequently this humble self will take care that he does not on any subsequent occasion travel alone in a railway with a female woman mr is taken by sur y t t of my to punch will remember that i have devoted sundry and to the subject of miss and already may have concluded that i was long since up to the in the tender passion in this however they would have a cry from an extreme of wool the actual fact being that although of the well of her person and the of her i did never regard her except with eyes of strictly and calf love it is true that at certain seasons the she would upon other young masculine in my presence did reduce me to the of despair so	44
that even the birds and beasts of forest shed tears at my misery and frequently at meal times i have sought to move her to compassion by like horse or by the incessant rolling of my organs though she did only attribute such ad appeals to the excessive gravity of the cheese or the of the pie s b a but i was then a under the impression that i was the odd man out of her affections and it is well known that to a sensitive it is intolerable to feel that is not the object of adoration even to one to whom we may entertain but a attraction on a recent evening we had a a which in the utter surprise it was the occasion of our dancing party at house and i had her to become a with this self in the of a but not being the carpet knight and consequently treading the measure with too great upon the toes of my fair she suggested a temporary from circulation to which i she conducted me to a landing whereon was a small glazed apartment by and furnished with a profusion of pots which is the and here we did sit upon two worked chairs and for a while were presently i remarking with corner of eye the of her appearance and the indifference of her which made it seem totally improbable that she should ever like seriously incline to treat me as an commenced to heave the sighs of a fire stove causing miss to accuse me of desiring myself in india hurry i denied this with native saying that i was content to remain in until the doom cracked and that the was for me the equivalent of paradise she replied that its to paradise i would be more startling if a larger proportion of the pots had contained plants and if such plants i as there were had not fallen into such a lean and stage of adding that she did perpetually urge her mamma to the expense of some and a few fairy lamps but she had refused to run for such and i with spontaneous gallantry retorted that she was justified in such since her daughter s eyes supplied such fairy illumination and upon her cheeks was a bloom brighter than many but this compliment she unhappily as an that her complexion was of composition and seeing that i had put my foot into a de i became once more the silent tomb and sighs at intervals presently she declared once more that she saw from the of my expression that i was longing for the luxurious magnificence of my indian palace now my domestic abode though a respectable spacious sort of residence and containing my father mother married brothers c together with a few antique unmarried is not at all b a of a architecture but it is a bad bird that his own nest and so i merely answered that i was now so with western that i had lost all taste for oriental next she inquired whether i did not miss the tiger shooting and pig sticking and i replied with since i am not the au in such sports that i could not deny a to miss both and pigs and indeed all animals that were natures and she condemned the of these sports and wished me to promise that i would from them on my return to india to this i replied that before i agreed to such a self denying i desired to be more convinced of the sincerity of her interest in the preservation of my humble existence miss asked what had she done that i should be in as to her then i did meekly remind her of her for the young beef london and her and towards myself who was not a or an but a cultivated native gentleman with high class university degree and an flow of language which was to land me upon the of some tip top in the high court of justice hurry she made the excuse that she was compelled by financial reasons to be pleasant to the male and that i could not expect any marked so long as i kept my tongue concealed inside my cheek like a worm in bud upon which transported by emotion i ventured to embrace her assuring her that she was the of my neighbouring eyes and supplied the and long felt want of my soul and while occupied in a salute upon her lips who d have thought it i her severe parent in through the curtains and surveying me with a cold and eye did demand my intentions nor can i tell what i should have responded seeing that i had acted from momentary and feminine encouragement had not miss with ready made female wit answered for me that it was all right and that we were the engaged couple but her mother expressed an ardent desire to hear my of this statement informing me that she was but a poor weak widow woman but that if it should appear that i was merely the giddy of her daughter s young affections it would be her duty to summon every male able of her establishment and request them to inflict deserved upon my person b a so although still of a with amazement at miss s announcement considered it the better part of to it with rather than the shocking and of numerous young and upon hearing the piece of good news mrs exploded into saying that she was of narrow minded colour prejudices and had from the first regarded me as a beloved son then blessing me and calling me her boy she clasped me against her bosom where owing to the of her ornamental my nose and chin received severe and which i endured without a when i have grown more accustomed to being the lucky	44
dog i shall commence and become merry as a at the present moment i am only capable of at the rapidity with which such solemn concerns as are knocked off in this country but if as says such are to be done at all then it is well they were done quickly and advantages of being engaged some in a music together xiii notes of certain things that mr failed to understand my preceding article announced the important intelligence of my in which i was then too much the to express any very judgment as to the or of my approaching as a if i may be allowed a somewhat humorous en and i am blessing my stars more every day for the lucky which has bolted upon me from the blue all the select were speedily informed of my engagement and the though in their congratulations did manifest their monster by sundry veiled and while the ladies especially miss are become less pressing in their attentions and address me as prince with increased and in a tone of this however is to natural dis b a appointment for it was notorious that all of them even the least were on the of that i should cast my handkerchief in one of their directions but the feminine nature is not capable of the good fortune of another member of their sex with good humoured complacency on the other hand i enjoy many privileges and i am permitted to enter mrs s private parlour ad and there converse with my beloved calling her and even embrace her in moderation i may also embrace her mother and address her as mamma which affords me of a less tumultuous kind moreover now when i conduct my to an entertainment it is no longer de for any third party to a the mention of reminds me that a few evenings ago i escorted her to a music hall wherein although i had previously believed myself a past master in the of london and i heard and saw much which was au bout de mon latin and the head impossible to be made out of the tail e g there were two young lady alleged by the programme to be and bone whereas they were the reverse of nor were their or but on the contrary so hurry and well favoured that did with me upon the perseverance with which i gazed at them and i could not at all find anyone to explain to me the difference between a and a comic or a and and an eccentric or a society and a or again a sketch and a for to me they seemed precisely similar there were four charming sisters who performed a dance in long skirts and in conclusion did all turn heels over head in but this it seems was contrary to my own not to dance a speaking for my humble part i am respectfully of opinion that lovely woman loses in dignity by the abrupt execution of a however the feat did excite applause from the spectators further there appeared a couple of in ordinary evening who sang in with one was plump as a the other thin as a and they related how they were both the of a certain lovely called sally who was tlie darling of their co hearts and resided in their alley and of all the days in the week they loved sunday because then they were dressed in all their best and went for a walk with sally b a loi i should have thought not for sally to continue without exhibiting some pre i kind of choice either for the r th and that such a courtship triple alliance would in the apple of discord but did assure me that it was quite usual and the correct cheese for a girl to have more than one beau upon her string i made the further observation that the and must be reduced to extreme since they presented themselves before a well dressed respectable audience in of and with hair of and immediate one did offer some excuse for the poverty of his appearance telling us his hard case how that he was occupied in declaring his passion to a when she was all over him in a minute and while he was making love to the pretty stars above she cleared out all his pockets in a minute at which many laughed but though jove is said to regard lovers with i could not help feeling the most pitiable sympathy for such a conclusion to a love affair seeing that it is impossible for the who returns her admirer s devotion by stealing his purse and similar to remain hurry posed long v ft the towering of an making this remark to be uttered the that i was the though she is i am sure l landing her attachment to not capable of descending personally to such light i was bewildered by a chorus by one of the society which i took down in the hope of a solution it was as follows for i like a good liar indeed i do provided he comes out with something new but why did he tell me that story with whiskers on why why why now to me it is wholly incomprehensible that the female intelligence should admire in the opposite sex on the sole conditions that the said liar should present himself in some novel article of attire and previously to relating his remove from his cheeks any one of the whom i consulted on the subject attempted to persuade me that it was the story that had the whiskers but it is to suppose that a purely abstract affair like an could be furnished with growth which belongs to the department there was a lady described as	44
the host was under grave that the presents might be b a in by the more of the guests for he pointed out to me a sharp eyed shy gentleman in a comer who he informed me was a disguised police officer this at first i was loth to believe but was assured that it was a necessary precaution still i will presume to point out that the by a policeman of the ordinary character of a friend of the family and is a rather trap to catch a sleeping since those whose honesty is not invariably above par may be into the false security by his get up and i did assure him privately that it was totally unnecessary to keep an eye on myself who was a native university man with no necessity or natural taste for but that i would inform him if i should succeed at any attempted later i was ushered into the and partook of a pink ice with and after which i entreated leave of mrs to deliver a and she at my happy thought did loudly request silence for prince who was to utter a few very brief so as they became all ears i addressed them describing how in my native country at such a feast and blow out it was customary for the bridegroom s mother to eat a hurry for fear of a subsequently empty stomach but the bride s mother on the contrary will touch nothing feeling that the more she then the more will fall to her later on and i added that on the present occasion i had the certainty that both the mothers might indulge their ad next i how during a former boyish wedding of my own my wife s mother after as was setting a cap upon my head and placing ten rings of twigs upon my ten fingers and binding my hands with a s did say i have bound thee and bought thee with and put a between thy fingers now then like a lamb whereupon i being of a disposition did unexpectedly and contrary to usage cry loudly causing my mother to fear that i was a dull until that night in the she had the great happiness to me all the females present by the of my and i was proceeding amidst to some of my most lively when the bride s father did take me by the arm and drawing me aside inform me that the young couple were just about to start for their wedding journey and that i was required to see them depart i observed that here as with us it is the custom b a to scatter rice upon the head of the bridegroom but neither nor moreover this complimentary shower is extended to the bride and the carriage horses and hurled with it is a point of honour to knock off the coachman s hat with a female satin i was disappointed to see that both the happy pair had cast aside their gorgeous wedding garments and put on quite ordinary and attire which if not due to excessive must in a desire to conceal their state of though it might be reasonably anticipated that they should rather be anxious to manifest their triumphant good luck pro is asked out to dinner unreasonable behaviour of his his doubts concerning the social advantages of a board w j ing establishment with some remarks upon ambitious he goes out to dinner and meets a person of some importance the pleasing impression produced by this humble self upon both and mrs all butt at the wedding of their eldest daughter became speedily of golden fruit in the request of the honour of my company for dinner at p m on a subsequent evening incidentally this prime compliment to my lovely i was astounded that she did not share my but was on the contrary the sore subject at not being included in such invitation which as i explained was totally seeing that the remained unaware of her existence she however maintained that i ought to have mentioned that i was an and have refused to sit at any banquet at which she was b a off with a cold shoulder this again was absurd since the of a loaf is to total of the staff of life and moreover in my country it is customary for the husband elect to take his meals apart from his bride that is to be nor does she ever touch food until he has previously his pangs of hunger notwithstanding she would not be until i had bestowed upon her a gold and ring of best english as an olive branch and of peace but outside house i have been close as wax on the subject of my chains and it was especially inconceivable that i should inform my friend of same since he has frequently me in that a respectable oriental should reside in such a very ordinary and third rate boarding establishment where it was an impossibility to gain any real familiarity with smart and english society and who knows that if i should introduce miss into company of a superior caste some haughty masculine might insult her under my very nose and lack a where would she find a protector i am certainly oppressed by an increasing whether mrs is verily such an upper and of the beau as she did represent herself to be it is well nigh incomprehensible that any hurry should seek to appear of a higher social than nature has provided but my youthful acquaintance esq me that this is a common failing among the english classes who fondly imagine that nothing is needed to render a the exact equivalent to an ox except an increased quantity of air forgetting that if a is it is apt to provide the rather ludicrous catastrophe of from excessive i however d id	44
the dinner party i intended to be the early bird at prince s square but owing to a among the did not arrive until most of the guests were already assembled being welcomed with hospitality by the household god and goddess mr and mrs who begged leave to present to me all the most distinguished of their friends then pop nd d the door was thrown open and a butler announced ore sir whom in the wink of an eye i recognised as an ex justice of the very court in in which my male as a tear or attorney and who moreover was familiar with myself almost ab having been more than once humbly presented to his notice by my said father with a request for his b a opinion of my abilities and the of my education at a london inn of court oh my gracious i was as if to sink through the carpet and sought to draw in my horns of behind a column when to my dismay my hostess led him towards me with the remark that he was probably already acquainted in india with his prince the retired judge at this did merely smile observing that india was a country of considerable and inquiring of me in my own tongue where my was situated and the strength of my army though with a in his organs that told me he knew me perfectly well and i that honesty was my best policy of from his displeasure did throw myself frankly on the mercy of the court protesting in native language that i was an industrious poor boy and had always regarded him as my beloved father that i was not to blame because certain foolish ignorant persons imagined me to be some species of and earnestly representing to him that our kind mutual hostess would be distressed by any let your hon ble i said only remain sealed and preserve this as a trade secret and my sisters sisters in law and i hurry shall always chant hymns on the for your honour s his honour laughing good did tell me that if i liked to assume the of a it was no affair of his and kindly promised to respect my confidences at which i was greatly relieved indeed throughout the evening nothing could exceed his for being seated on the other side of the hostess opposite myself he showed me the greatest honour and deference frequently my views on such subjects as increased representation of the people of india the national and so forth upon which being now perfectly reassured and at my ease i with and did loudly the intellectual capacity of the as evinced by marvellous success in passing most difficult and it as a crying injustice and shame that fullest political powers should not be to them and that they should not be eligible for all civil or even in to englishmen wherein his honour did warmly agree assuring me with of the pleasure with which he would hear of my appointment to be head of a district somewhere on the frontier and mentioning how a certain native gentleman of his acquaintance d b a esq m a had distinguished himself splendidly according to the printed testimony of hon ble in such a post of danger i replied that i was not passionately in love with personal danger and that in my case and my tongue was than my sword but that there was no doubt that we were competent to govern the whole country provided only that we were backed up from behind by a lai e english military force to our authority as otherwise we should soon be the pretty owing to brutal violence from and similar coarse races and sir expressed his lively satisfaction that i appreciated some of the advantages of the british occupation thus through my presence of mind in boldly with the i turned what might have been a disaster into a conspicuous triumph for all the company seeing the favour i was in with such a big wig as hon ble listened to me with spell bound enchantment especially my friend s young sister a of distinguished personal who was seated on my other side her birth name is but her family and so she did inform me call her of the dinner itself i can speak highly as hurry being superior both in of service and for the quality of the food etc to any meals hitherto furnished by mrs s mahogany board nevertheless i wondered to find the behind the times in one respect the lighting which was with old fashioned candles and semi obscured lamps instead of the more modem and infinitely more brilliant illumination of gas here at least though in other particulars of very elegance i must pronounce house the more up to date in taking leave i did thank hon ble sir for so retaining its contents within the generous bag of his mouth he clapped my back very cordially me to for the future from a abundance of since the character of a legal native student was a precious lily that needed no and adding that he was indebted to me for a most entertaining and evening this i do not understand as i had not uttered any of the and wherewith it is my wont when i will to set the table in a but possibly i may have spoken rather unawares and it is that this is a fairly specimen though i have frequently surpassed it in h b j i b a these exalted legal are pleased with a rattle and by a straw on my return i did omit to mention miss to but after all mr makes a pilgrimage to the shrine of shake xvi i have frequently spoken in the flattering terms of a concerning my extreme partiality for the writings of hon	44
ble it has been remarked with some that he did not exist for an age but all the time and though it is the open question whether he did not derive all his ideas from previous writers and even whether he wrote so much as a single line of the plays which are attributed to his inspired he is one of the institutions of the country and it is the correct thing for every british subject to admire and understand him even when most incomprehensible consequently i did cock a for joy on receiving an invitation from my friend esq on behalf of his parents that i should accompany them on an excursion by rail to upon where the said poet had his of origin and so great was my enthusiasm that during the journey i ore certain select passages from his works which i had b a committed to memory during the days of my and with such effect that miss who is excessively was compelled at times to veil her countenance in the recesses of a pocket handkerchief having at length arrived at that and sacred spot the very name of which sends a sweet and thrill through every educated bosom our first proceeding was to partake of a copious cold this we ordered at an old fashioned whose doorway was decorated by a of the bard and i observed that similar were placed above several of the shops as i walked along the streets these images somewhat resemble those erected to in certain parts of india being bald but not in crossed legs but a cushion with however i was not able to discover that it is the custom for even the most ignorant inhabitants to do anything in the nature of before these figures longer though probably usual enough before with the iron sides ordered all such to be removed in a hole of the upper wall of the town hall there is a life size of with legs complete showing that he was not actually deficient in such and a mere gifted and it hurry is that the reason why only his upper portions are generally represented is that marble in these parts is too precious a to be wasted on mere we visited the church and saw his tomb and there again was the superior half of him occupied with writing verses on a cushion in a supported by pillars upon a below is inscribed a verse that his dust should not be and cursing him who should interfere with his bones but in so a style and of such indifferent that it is considered by some to be a sort of composed by hon ble bacon on such a i am not to give a decided opinion though the verse as a literary composition is hardly up to the level of hamlet and it would perhaps have been if the poet instead of attempting an had looked out some suitable quotation from his earlier works for when an author is occupied in shuffling off his mortal it is unreasonable to expect him to produce poetry that is up to the mark when i advanced this excuse aloud in the church a party of americans within hearing exclaimed indignantly that such levity was a scandal in a spot which was the of the entire universe whereupon i did protest earnestly that i b a meant no being in respect for the only as a critic of english literature i could not help that a poet gifted with every requisite for producing a satisfactory had produced a which was below his usual par this rendered them of an increased ferocity until mr good took them into a comer and whispered that i was a very wealthy young indian prince of great but oppressed by an after which they all came and shook me by the hand saying they were very proud to have met me afterwards we proceeded to the where a very female exhibited the apartment in which the infant bard first saw the light there was but little light to behold being a low and dingy room furnished with two chairs and a table on which was another of the as i came in i uttered a remark which i had prepared for the occasion it was here i said reverently here that the swan of was at which miss was again overcome by emotion the room was greatly in the necessity of being black with smoke and in lead pencil even the window panes were scratched all over by diamonds on seeing i hurry which and being also the possessor of a diamond and gold ring i was about to my own name but was prevented by the lady i indignantly and protested that if hon ble walter scott lord washington and co were permitted to the glass thus surely i who was a of university and a valuable to london punch was equally entitled since what was for a goose was for a and mrs all butt urged that i was a distinguished student and indian prince but the responded that she couldn t help that for it was nevertheless however while she was engaged in pointing out the spot where somebody s signature had been before it was away i the opportunity behind her back did triumphantly my on the bust s nose in the back room they showed us where s father his wool which caused mrs to remark that she had always understood that the poet was of quite humble origin and that for her part she thought it was all the more creditable to him to have done what he did do we also the museum and were shown s a rather ordinary concern the identical dial which one of the in his plays drew out of a and a b a ring with w s engraved on it found in the churchyard some years ago	44
and no doubt dropped there by the poet himself while absorbed in the composition of his famous and world renowned there were several portraits of him also all utterly unlike one another or only agreeing in one respect namely their total from the bust we likewise saw the very desk used after creeping unwillingly to school with a shining face like a s i was pained to see evidence of the of the genius for it was and to such a degree as to be totally for use i myself was in my youth but never i am proud to say to the extent of my master s furniture before leaving we walked to visit the residence of s wife which turned out to be a very humble roof affair such as is commonly occupied by but as mrs said it is a sad fact that distinguished literary characters often make most marriages which put me in a whether she had heard anything about myself and miss at one of the i purchased a beautiful in the form of a coloured model of s hurry which can be rendered transparent and luminous by the of a night light this i had intended humbly to offer for the gracious acceptance of miss but having thrust it into a coat tail pocket i unfortunately sat upon it in the train as we were returning so i presented it as a token of remembrance to who was transported with delight at the gift which she said could be easily rendered the by dint of a little diamond containing some intimate confidences from mr tt with the explanation of such v apparent since writing my latest contribution i have folded up my tent like an and silently stolen away from house this independent hook being taken under the and pretext of a medical opinion that the climate of was upon my internal arrangements but the real and des being a growing for the society of select male and female miss was naturally bathed in tears at the announcement of my approaching departure although i fondly sought to console her by assurances that my residence in though beyond the and of inaccessible from grove should not her brilliant image from the cracked looking glass of my heart and that i would write to her with weekly regularity and the glimpses of her presence at the first convenient opportunity i do correspond with and hurry through the medium of a young intimate indian acquaintance of mine who does actually reside at and has kindly undertaken to forward my this is by the circumstance that as a matter of fact i am dwelling under a rose at road grove which is in convenient to prince s square and the stately home of the a family with whom i am now promoted to become the tame cat in road i occupy genteel first floor front and back at fifteen per week and the lady of the land has entreated me to kindly excuse the waiting maid for jumping with whenever i pop upon on the stairs being a nervous girl and to dark gentlemen though her own countenance from of and being of a far superior it is i myself who should be more justified in jumping however she is already becoming the and seldom drops the ware now except when i with too beaming a condescension certain of my readers will perhaps hold up the hands of amazement at my in my whereabouts and other private concerns in the of a popular but there is method in such madness they b a do not take in punch at house considering that one penny or even the of that sum is more correct value for funny and illustrated while the although they see punch weekly do not the literary contents especially in the season when as mrs a i frequently remarks they are in such a constant whirl of social that they have absolutely no time for serious reading at first i was severely that so far as my acquaintances were concerned these and should be thus written with water but i have since made the discovery that my cloud of disappointment is lined with precious silver mr ee is a little over l v t t t ingenious in his excuses since shaking the dust off my feet at house i have not succeeded to pluck the courage for a personal interview with miss and my correspondence duly forwarded per mr of has consisted mainly of abject excuses for non attendance on plea of over study for bar and total to journey due to excessive in stomach department this unhappily at length inspired her with the dread that i was on the point of being launched into the of eternity if not already as dead as death s door nail and so with feminine want of reflection she performed a hurried pilgrimage to now whether on account of the i of a domestic or s in the art of i am not to say but the of her inquiries was the conviction that i had not struck root in the habitation from which my letters were addressed and in a subsequently forwarded letter she did reproach me with my x b a and accused me of being a by which i was so cut up that i from the condescension of a next i became the involuntary of another letter in more style menacing me that with a hook or a she would me from the in which i was established and that several able were the hue of a full cry in pursuit since road is in dangerous to grove i was sitting tight in my apartments on receipt of this grave intelligence with in my heart and the unknown hovering above me when my young friend esq arrived with his like a god on a machine and	44
perceiving the of my countenance inquired what was up at first being of the excessive with which he had my residence in a boarding house of such pretensions i was naturally to reveal that i was in the plight of with the s daughter but eventually i overcame my and uncovered the pretty kettle of fish of my and my ardent longing to hit upon some plan to myself from the of such a my dear old chap he said kindly after i had unfolded the last link of my tale of woe i will put you up in a that will perform the hurry trick don t see the young woman or she will get round you with half a write to her that you are not worthy of a rap and no more a prince than i am hearing his last words i started and did like the ghost of hamlet senior jump at this dead hour being convinced that young had found out perhaps from hon ble that my title was a and that if he the skeleton of my bare cupboard to his highly genteel parents i should experience the crushing mortification of a out however i hid the fox that was my by inquiring in a rather natural accent what he meant by such a suggestion are you such an innocent simple old prince he said with as not to catch the idea do you not know that european in all ranks of society even in our own are attracted by anyone possessed of riches and a title or of either of the two as an au in the female temperament shall that it is nine out of ten that if you this young into believing that you are merely a native and not to be shot at with powder she will drop pursuing such a hot to this speech reported to best of my ability i did shake my head sorrowfully r is k b a and reply that i greatly feared that s devotion to this unlucky self was too severe to be diverted or even checked like a cow that is or non by the mere of such and as a title or worldly having frequently and that too p tor to our engagement protested her preference for very dark individuals and her vehement curiosity to behold india but he as he ascended his with a in his eye repeated that i might try it on at all events still i could not induce myself to adopt his for i reflected that though it might convince her that i was it would only increase her fury and the vengeance of her champion so at length i composed a moving as follows though lack a inaccessible poet has observed that a true lover never did run a straight course and the sincerity of present writer s affection is proved by his apparent of running and keeping dark outside the rays of thy moon like countenance the cause is the of a decree from my family or whom i have anxiously consulted upon our joint matrimonial prospects to the hurry readers this was what young would term the bit of am no to consult an exploded the venerable and reports that such an alliance would plunge us into the of troubles since the sign of your month is the meek and innocent lamb while mine is the more ferocious lion a very slight familiarity with natural history c will show you the utter of temper between such an couple of animals and the of said s that it must be the lamb who would be in the unequal conflict in consequence though i am beating the floor with my head as i write and the carpet with the of my i must bid you the final and adieu and au since i am unwilling to act as a selfish think of me as a prince out of thy star to quote the reference of s character to hamlet under precisely similar circumstances you will please forget me and accept this as my last solemn so long which i utter on the threshold of preparation for the stem and dreaded ordeal of bar in frantic haste your ever faithful and broken hearted hurry p s no answer required b a but after an interval of a very few posts in spite of my strict to contrary i got the answer that she was deeply moved by my self sacrifice and had never loved me more having been brought up in a christian of all she was not in fear of my or any other native and nothing should part us if she could help it she added that i had been seen about grove recently on receipt of this touching and beautiful communication i was again in the of panic and that i must have immediate resort to some stronger description of it is that i cannot find a card up my sleeve with the single exception of my young friend s which i fear will prove too however a faint heart never got rid of a fair lady mr tries a fresh tack his visit to the india office and sympathetic tion in my last i had the honour to report the total non success of my endeavour to my on plea of objections and how i was up the tree of embarrassment i have since resolved that honesty is my best politics and have confessed to miss in a well expressed letter that i am only the possessor of a courtesy title and so far from rolling on the rosy bed of unlimited am out of elbows and dependent upon parental for for of said statements i begged to refer her politely to my benevolent friend and patron hon ble sir square south to whom i simultaneously wrote a private and confidential note him	44
that if any young female person to inquire particulars of my birth origin c he was to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth especially making it b a clear that i was neither a tip top nor a of filthy the rest up to present date is silence but i have confident hopes that the manly straightforward suggested by my friend young will accomplish the job and procure me the happy release i am now to pass to a different subject to wit a visit i paid some time since to the india office the why of the wherefore was that in conversation with the i had boasted freely of the credit i was in with certain high grade india official who could refuse me nothing which was hitherto the positive fact since i had never requested any favour at their hands but mrs stated that she had heard that the reception at said india office were extremely and and inquired whether i possessed sufficient influence to obtain for her tickets of admission to one of these select naturally i had to reply that i could do the trick and would at once proceed to the india office and interview one of the senior clerks who regarded me as his brother so after a and hunting up the name of one of the most senior i to inside the entrance i found an attendant sitting at a table absorbed in reading who rose and inquired my hurry business and upon my statement that i desired to see mr esq on ui ent business courteously directed me up a marble staircase at the top of which was a second attendant also engaged in brown study for the attendants appear to be to the cultivation of their minds he informed me that i should find mr s room down a certain corridor and proceeding thither i stopped a clerk who was hurrying along with his hands full of documents and represented that i had come for an immediate interview with mr on highly important matters he demanded whether mr expected me this elevated my monkey and i retorted that i was the bosom friend of said mr b who would be to receive me and following him into a room i demanded that he should inform his master without fail that was there whereupon with the of a jack in an office he rang a bell and desired an attendant to me to the waiting room there in a large gloomy apartment surrounded by portraits of english and native big pots i did sit patiently the golden of my umbrella for a quarter of an hour until the attendant returned saying that mr break water could see me now and presently showed b a me into the private room where behind a large table covered with baskets containing and et sat the very gentleman whom i had recently taken for his own formerly i should have proffered abject excuses but i am now sufficiently up in british to know that the only necessary is a frank and apology so my confusion i said i am awfully sorry that i took you my dear old chap for a common ordinary fellow but remember the proverb that appearances are and do not reveal a thin skin about a rather natural mistake mr courteously entreated me not to mention the affair but to state my business briefly accordingly i related how i was a native student at present moving heaven and earth to pass bar and my intimate connection with the distinguished family of the who were consumed with longing for free tickets to an official i then described the charms of miss and my own ardent desire to obtain her grateful recognition by the open for self and friends i pointed out that as an official in the india office he was in to myself and bound to indulge all my reasonable i hurry and i assured him that if he exhibited generosity on this occasion the entire family self included would ever pray on the crooked hinges of knees for his and spiritual welfare he heard me but said he regretted that it was not in his power to oblige me you are not to suppose i said that i am a native tom dick or harry i am a ba of university and candidate for call to bar in i am the literary being especially retained to and for the of mr assured me earnestly that he fully appreciated my many distinguished claims but that he was under an impossibility of my petition for an invite to the annual summer owing to the fact that was already thej v how is that i exclaimed have i not read in the daily press of a grand to be given shortly in honour of hon ble hung but that is at the foreign office he objected we have no connection with such a concern the foreign office would be better than i said i will tell you what to do write me a letter to show to the head of the foreign office you can state that you have b a known me intimately for a long time and that i am deserving of patronage hint for instance that it is to show to one oriental such as a chinese rather than another and that you will regard any kindness done to me as the personal favour to yourself pitch it strong my respectable sir i he however protested that any recommendation from him would be a you are too modest honoured sir i told him seeing that flattery was requisite but i am not the of how highly your character and virtues are esteemed and i can assure you that you are not so contemptible a as you imagine listen to me i am now to go to the foreign office and shall there assume the	44
liberty of mentioning your distinguished name as a with benevolent he accorded me full permission to go where i liked and say anything i chose me warmly to depart immediately seeing him so well disposed i ventured on taking my leave to pat his shoulder in friendly and to say it is all right old boy remember i have complete bond in your ability to work the for me successfully which rendered him with gratification but at the foreign office after stating my business and sitting like patience on a hurry monument for two immortal hours i was informed that the principal secretary of state for foreign affairs was not in and that all the private and under were equally invisible this i must respectfully submit is not exactly the correct style to conduct a first class empire mr himself in the bar but is less successful in other respects he writes xx another extremely ingenious from which he the happiest results i am happy to announce that i have passed the of bar with facility of a needle penetrating the s eye i de i my in this joyful intelligence is due to fact that i have only recently received official information of my triumph which my family are now engaged in at with of transport an english brass band and supplied on contract system from great eastern hotel and yet so great was my humility that when i entered s inn hall one monday shortly before i o a m and received pens some and a printed paper on the law of real and personal property and i was at first as melancholy as a cat and like to eat my head with despair so much so that i began my answers by hurry imploring my indulgent father to show me his of compassion on ground that i was an unfortunate chap afflicted by narrow circumstances and a raging tooth and that my entire earthly felicity depended upon my being favoured with marks however on perusal of the paper i found that owing to and native for nice sharp of the law i could floor it upon my being at home with every description of and having such things as and at the of my in the afternoon i was again examined in law and answering nearly every question with great and best style of composition quoting freely from hon ble and to back my opinion unhappily i lost some of my precious time because finding that i was required by the paper to discuss a certain statement i left my seat in search of some with whom i might carry on such a and even now i fail to see how one individual can discuss a question in pen and ink any more than a single hand is capable of making a clap which i gave as my reason for not attempting the impossible the ordeal endured for four days in the b a roman law department i was on the spot with and similar and in criminal law i did vastly distinguish myself by off an intricate legal problem about a b and c and certain though as i stated in a not being the practical i could not be at all responsible for the accuracy of my solution and hinted that it was somewhat dig for such solemn dry as as the council of legal education to take any notice at all of these fashionable but when called up for purposes i dumb my by the readiness and of my to such an extent that after asking one question only he intimated his complete satisfaction and i divined by his smiles that he was secretly determined to work the in my favour and so i arrived at the pretty pass by dint of flourishing my trumpet but some fly or other is the indispensable of every pot of and while was still jumping for joy at having passed the steep barrier of such a there came a letter from miss which constrained me to upon the wrong side of nose it appeared that of my request she had been to call upon hon ble sir i o hurry who had duly informed her that i was not the genuine or any kind of real prince nor yet a with unlimited cash here if hon ble had stopped or represented me as a worthless of bad rubbish all would have been well but most unhappily he did exceed his instructions and added that i was of respectable well to do and very industrious young chap with first class abilities and likely to obtain practice at native bar wrote that she hoped she was not so as to be attracted by mere rank and that it was enough for her that i was in the position to maintain her as a lady so she would continue to hold me to my promise of marriage and if i still declined to perform she would be reluctantly compelled to place the matter in hands of lawyer on seeing that my second attempt to the utter failure i became like pig in with perplexity until i was suddenly inspired by the flash of a happy idea and taking up my inscribed the following and ever i am immensely with flattered complacency at your desire to become b a i i the bride of such a man of straw as this self and will no longer offer any opposition to your wishes but in the of my and may have omitted to mention that when i have led you to the altar you will not be alone in your glory as a i am by laws of my country entitled to about thirty or forty though owing to natural timidity and economical reasons i have not hitherto availed myself of said privilege however when that i was a little tiny boy i was compelled by family pressure to contract matrimony with	44
an equally female of eight and though circumstances have prevented the second ceremony being celebrated on arriving at the more mature age of discretion such infant marriage is notwithstanding the binding affair what of it your overwhelming affection will render you totally indifferent to the unpleasant side of your position as a or rival wife though it is the of the bed of roses especially under and perpetual with sundry and sisters in law of mine of rather but ignorance of language will probably blind your sensitive ears to the and ill natured tone of their remarks i can only say that i am quite ready if you hurry insist upon it to fulfil my contract to best ability and undertake the heavy burden which providence has very upon my feeble back mr ram of terrace was present at my first wedding and will doubtless to same on application ever yours faithfully and h b j in writing the above i was well aware that there is a strong prejudice in the mind of european in favour of and my letter as will be seen by the intelligent reader was rather cleverly composed so as to shift the burden of breach of contract from my shoulders to hers so that i rubbed my hands with on receiving her reply that she was astounded with at the of my cheek in supposing that she would play the subordinate fiddle to any native wife and that she had communicated with ram esq and if my statement re infant marriage which at present she suspected to be a mere proved correct she would certainly decline my insulting offer now as it is the fact that i was wedded when a mere i shall save my brush from this near provided that mr ram has received my tip in b a i o time and does not like hon ble go beyond his instructions but this is not reasonably probable ram being a tolerably discreet subtle chap mr before he y y t is quite out of the wood a a being to my best of belief satisfactorily off with the old love i naturally became as playful as a or gay as a for the most superficial observer and with the half of a naked could easily discern the superiority of miss to in all the and of a real english lady and although up to present date the timidity of has restrained miss from my increasing her parents and brother are of an overwhelming cordiality and repeatedly mention their ardent hope that i may become their guest up in the hills some time this autumn so that hope is already to hop about the secret chamber of my heart for seeing the contempt for the of chasing a that their i am no longer apprehensive that their affection for this present writer will be at all by the revelation that he is merely a member of nature s nobility rather the contrary x b a as poet burns remarks with great rank is but a penny stamp and a man is a man and all that nevertheless for the present i am resolved to remain as a mouse since i am now in their pockets for a i was privileged on a recent evening to escort the ladies to the empire of india exhibition upon which i shall now pronounce the opinion of an expert though space me to describe its save with the of a soul of wit in the palace we beheld a highly pious from who had trained himself to perform his with one of his legs embracing his neck or walking upon the caps of his knees with his toes inserted into his but i am not convinced that such a style of prayer making is at all superior in reverence to more ordinary attitudes especially when exhibited publicly for an i feel proud to that at miss s urgent entreaties i subdued my native so far as to make the revolution of the gigantic wheel in spite of grave apprehensions that it would prove but a house of cards or suddenly become totally though to pass interminable hours at a lofty attitude with such a lively companion might on secondary thoughts have possessed pleasing nevertheless i was relieved when we descended without having to hurry anywhere and i did most firmly decline to fly in the face of providence for five shillings in the basket of a captive the indian street is constructed with cleverness but gives a very very inadequate idea of the principal moreover to cultivated indian the fuss made by english ladies over native and of rather so so abilities and appearance seems a little ludicrous after dining we witnessed the historical spectacle of india in the theatre and miss made the criticism that the fall of was accomplished with a too great facility since its so called did lie down with perfect and death immediately the army of galloped their horses through the but this appeared to me rather a typical and prudent exercise of their discretion it seems though in spite of extensive historical i was in previous ignorance of the fact that the great and the chief were each taken in tow and personally conducted by a of divine guides named love mercy and wisdom who came forward whenever nothing of consequence was and sang with the of fowls as for the representation of the b a i shall confess to some disappointment seeing that it was exclusively reserved to military the more highly educated class of being left out of the cold altogether nor am i in love with a future state in which there is so much dancing up and down lofty flights of stairs with energy and in companies and circles with members of the softer sex as a philosophical conception of existence it is deficient in repose though perhaps good enough for	44
ordinary fighting i spent a and evening however greatly owing to the condescension of miss who exhibited such entertainment at my comments that i left under the confident persuasion that i was to be the favoured on returning to road i found a last letter from me for the sake of old to meet her on the following evening at park station and mentioning that certain events had occurred to change her views and she was now only desirous for an arrangement accordingly perceiving that i had no longer any reason to dread such an encounter and not wishing her to peak and pine through my i wrote at once accepting the when i duly turned up lo and behold i hurry found she was escorted not only by her mother herself in immortal an eye like ma s to threaten or command but also by a individual with a black neck tie and hebrew whom she formerly introduced to me as mr though a little hurt by this proof of the rapidity of feminine i began to congratulate her on having obtained such an excellent substitute for my worthless self and to wish the happy couple all earthly when she explained that he was not but merely a sort of friend and mrs severely added that they had come to know whether i still declined to fulfil my legal contract i made the answer that i had recently offered to fulfil same to best ability but that my offer having been declined with the affair was now on its end here said that she had of course refused to marry a man who declared that he was already the owner of a dusky but that on inquiries from mr ram she had made the discovery that my said infant wife had off with some complaint or other three or four years ago at this i was rendered completely for although the was correct i had confidently hoped that my friend b a ram was unaware of the fact or would at least have the ordinary mother wit to refrain from it out et tu brute but i must make the dismal confession that my friends are mostly a very fat sort of fellows except to explain that my melancholy must have entirely slipped off my memory and that in any case it had no logical connection with the matter in hand then mrs inquired would i or would i not marry her child and stated that all she wished for was a plain answer i replied that it was a very natural and moderate desire and i was prepared to gratify it at once by the plain answer of not on any account whereupon mr stepped forward and politely handed me a folded paper and observing that he thought there was no need to the interview he lifted his hat and went off with the ladies leaving myself upon a bench endeavouring to get the sense of the official document into my and bewildered eventually i gathered that it was a royal command the queen backed by the lord high of great britain that i was to enter my appearance in an action at the suit of for a claim of for having my promise to marry hurry no matter fiddle de never mind who cares having successfully passed and been called to the bar i am now an and the friend in court i shall enter my appearance in the costume of wig and gown what will be the price of the then places in the hands of a with x certain i concluded my my service of a writ for a promise of marriage with a spirited outburst of and but such courage of a dutch on closer perusal of the said writ which contained the that i was to enter my appearance within the short notice of eight days or the judgment would be given in my absence now it was totally out of the question that i was to prepare a long complicated defence and have the requisite witnesses and also perfect myself in the customs and of common law all in such a brief period and yet if i remained with a hidden head i could not hope for even the of justice since ho les ont so that i shed and tears like a child to find myself such a devil of a deep sea and my day was dismal and my night a until by a great piece of on going up x hurry the next morning to the of my inn i my young friend in the compound busily employed in a lawn game having partially poured the cat from my bag already into his sympathetic and bosom i decided to confide to him my hard case in its and so made him a secret sign that i desired some private at his earliest which he observing after the termination of the match came towards the remote bench whereon i was and sat down kindly by my side this young i am to mention here had only just missed succeeding in the passing of bar owing to the of his stars and lack of a more temperament but from the coolness of his cheek and complete man of is a most judicious and tip top adviser to friends in tight places for when he had heard the latest particulars of my shocking he promptly gave me the excellent advice that i was to consult a strongly a mr who was a former of his own and a good thundering chap and who he thought was not so as yet by legal business that he could not find time for working the on my behalf and look here he added he has some b a times the extreme condescension to address me as an tu trot you up to him at once and i say a i	44
idea tell him you mean to be your own counsel and do all the yourself native prince in brand new wig and gown defending himself single handed from of artful why you ll knock the jury as if with old boots said i sorrowfully though i am quite competent to become the stump orator at shortest notice i do not see how i can enter my first appearance until i have carefully instructed ram and in the evidence they are to give and leave c and a week is too scanty and fugitive a period for such preparations nonsense and stuff he replies you will have a lot more than that since the week only applies to entering an appearance which is a mere formality that old can perform in your place on his head at which i was greatly relieved but on arrival at mr s office in lane we were disappointed to be informed by a small clerk that he was absent at on urgent professional affairs and his return was the unknown quantity however after waiting till close upon the hour of he unexpectedly turned up in a suit of carrying a long narrow bag full of metal headed rods and although rather hurry scent than in physical appearance i was vastly impressed by the of his manner my friend introduced me and exhibited my in the shell of a nut whereupon mr pronounced it to be the common garden breach of promise but that we had better all repair to the first avenue hotel and lunch and talk the affair over afterwards which we did in the smoking room after lunch with coffee and cigars c for which i had to pay as a and the odd man out of pocket mr after listening attentively to my narrative said that i certainly seemed to him to have let myself into the of a hole by so publicly my engagement but that my as an oriental foreigner and the fact i had asserted that my promise was from me by and sheer physical might pull me through unless the were of loveliness which fortunately is by no means the case he added that we had better engage q c as he was the at the common bar but to this i opposed the non that i am to have the sole control of my case in court and reap the assuring him that i should be able to cross examine all witnesses b a until they could not stand on one leg from some private motives of his own he sought to overcome my determination that as my calling and election to the bar were not yet an ancient history i might not possess sufficient experience and moreover that by appearing in i should the indulgence shown by a judge to ordinary to which i responded by pointing out that i was a typical indian in the matter of legal and ready made wit and that if not capable of conducting my own case how then could i be fit to undertake a for any third parties finally that it is unnecessary to keep a dog when you are equally in the practice of barking yourself whereupon silenced by my a and ad he gave way saying that it was my own affair and anyhow there would be plenty of time to consider such a matter since the might not choose to do anything further till after the long and we could easily the hearing of the action until the of next year i however earnestly protested that i did not wish so a delay as i desired to make my d but at the earliest possible moment and urged him to leave no stone to get the job finished by november at least suggesting that if we could ascertain hurry the name and address of the judge who was to try the case i call upon him and in a private and confidential interview ascertain the extent of his disposition in my favour and the length of his foot to which mr replied that he could not recommend any such as i should certainly ascertain the dimensions of the foot in a literal and painful manner now i must conclude with a piece of intelligence i am now in receipt of the invitation to visit the family at the elegant mansion or to speak they have hired for a few weeks in the savage and romantic mountains of n b mrs a i wrote that there is no shooting attached to the but several aristocratic friends of theirs own in the vicinity and will inevitably invite them and their visitors to sport with them so that as she believed i was the keen i had better bring my gun i am not the happy possessor of any weapon but having since this invitation practised diligently upon tin moving beasts bottles and eggs rendered lively by a jet of steam i am at last an au with a and no end of a i do not think i shall purchase a gun for there is a young english acquaintance of mine who is the devil s own and who will b a i i no doubt have the good nature to lend me his rifle for a week or two as to costume my tailor me that it is totally unnecessary to assume the national of a scotch unless i am prepared to stalk after a but why should i be by any cowardly fear from pursuing so timid a i have therefore him to manufacture me a with a and other for when we are going to rome it is the mark of politeness to dress in the style the costume is becoming but would i venture humbly to think be greatly improved by the simple addition of some knee caps mr his statement of defence and makes his preparations	44
for the north he allows his patriotic sentiments to get the better of him in a momentary outburst of to which no serious importance need be attached my fair has not suffered the grass of to grow upon her feet having already issued her statement of claim by which she that i proposed marriage on a certain date and did subsequently on divers occasions treat her in the presence of sundry witnesses as an after which i into obscurity and on various did decline and do still decline to fulfil my contract by which conduct the being afflicted in mind body and estate claims to the tune of n b i have thought it advisable here and there to the legal into more now such a claim is to milk a ram or la les seeing that i am not a proprietor of even one thousand a b a as i have informed mr my the will to any reasonable extent of costs out of pocket i have held frequent and with the said esq who is of incredible despatch and though i sometimes regret that i did not procure a of a more and sympathetic disposition assuredly had i done so such an one would not after my statement of defence a most document of over fifty crammed and stuffed with and and pathetic appeals for the bench s indulgence and with familiar from best classical and continental authors such an one i say would not have split his sides with thrown my composition into a wasted paper and proceeded to knock off a meagre substitute of his own containing a very few dry bald in the brief space of under the hour such however was mr s course and the sole consolation is that owing to his the action was set down for trial previously to the commencement of the long and my case may come on some time next term and i be put out of my misery at the close of the year my legal adviser finding that i with the of bird to my hurry determination to conduct my case in person did hint in no language that it might perhaps be even better for me to do the next november to my native land and my fingers then from a safe distance at the but it is not my practice to exhibit a white feather except when by severe bodily and i am consumed by an ardent impatience to air my and legal before the of a london law court now dull care for i am to dismiss all thoughts till october or november next and become a far chasing the deer with my heart in the my acquaintance by the way has declined to lend me his rifle on the transparent that it was contrary to and that it was not the ban ton to pursue birds and the like with so war like a weapon so on young s advice i made the purchase from a of a instrument provided with a bore so that should a bird happen by any chance to escape my first barrel the second will make him bite the dust i have also purchased some of a very pleasing colour a hunting knife and a shot belt and and if i can only procure some kind of sporting hound from the dogs b a home i shall be and cap d pie for the perils and pleasures of the chase miss did earnestly advise me inasmuch as i was about to go amongst the savage hill tribes of to previously make myself acquainted with their c for which purpose she lent me some written entirely in also the of hon poet burns but after much perusal i arrived at the conclusion that such works were sealed books to the most intelligent foreigner unless he is furnished with a good scotch grammar and dictionary and though i have made inquiries of various london i have found it utterly impossible to obtain such works in england a haughty and country more inclined to teach than to learn how many of your boasted british cabinet supposed to rule our countless millions of indian subjects would be capable to sit down and read and correctly a single sentence from the in the original not more i suspect than half a dozen at most so it is not to be expected that any more interest would be displayed in the language and literature of a country like scotland which is wild and barren and less ii i hurry and productive than the most ordinary districts of oh you chiefs and other how long will you submit to such treatment will the day never come when with whirling and flashing you will rise against the alien and demand home rule together with the total of present british when that day if ever please note this piece of private intelligence from an source young will be with you in your struggle for if not in body assuredly in spirit possibly in both i say no more in case i should be accused of trying to stir up feelings but as a patriotic gentleman my blood will boil occasionally at instances of stuck up english self and the worm in the bud if too severely may blossom into a rather formidable serpent i as for instance when in the course of an i am addressed by an street as a blooming and cannot induce a policeman to compel my to furnish me with his name and address or that of his parents or even to offer the most ordinary apology enough of these bitter reflections however i omitted to mention that i am also the b a proprietor at the same s where i bought my breeches gun of a very fine second hand salmon rod a great bargain and immense value with	44
which i hope to be able to catch a great quantity of fishes for there is according to young good fishing in a burn adjoining the so i follow king solomon s and not spare the rod and spoil the though if i should happen to spoil my rod the would inevitably in consequence be spared this is a of the kind of verbal in which when in high spirits i sometimes indulge mr relates his ex upon the a a v i am now an of stem and wild which however turns out to be and than depicted by the hand of national jealousy for since my arrival at this hamlet of n b i have not once beheld any species of savage hill man moreover the inhabitants are clothed with decency and if the run about with feet and heads where is the shocking scandal mr sen did me the honour to appear in person upon the platform and welcome me with arms to his temporary hearth and home but i shall have the of my disappointment with the size and appearance of the same it appears that a is not at all a edifice furnished with a of marble halls and and c but simply the very so so and two abode of some local priest my gracious hostess was to tender apologies for its on the plea that it is refreshing at times to lay aside magnificence and in rural simplicity b a though it is not possible to upon the of chairs and severely with the hairs of an extinct horse still as i assured miss she is the happy owner of a to by her sheer apparition the into the first class family residence with every modern improvement with the said miss i continue on terms of hand and with mutual harmless jokes which would perhaps be as on toast to a general though i shall venture to some examples a certain local young of incredible and appearance is a frequent visitor at the and the fervent admirer of miss who cannot endure the of his society and is constantly endeavouring to escape now his name is mr and i have frequently entertained her in private by play upon the word alluding to him as crust or the scotch and the like but he informed me that he preferred to be addressed as and upon my inquiring his reasons for selecting such an he answered that it was because he inhabited a house of that name whereupon i requested that he would address myself in future as a hurry seventy nine road which stroke of wit occasioned merriment from miss though it did not excite from the so much as the smallest from an love of and also the natural desire to her appreciation of my superior in small talk and de i do often contrive to inflict his sole society upon her to the huge entertainment of her father and mother who carry on the joke by assisting my but although it affords me a flattering gratification to be by miss for my cruel desertion i am resolved not to persist in such heartless beyond her natural endurance shortly after my arrival i heard from my host that he was the of an invitation from a q c that he and his son would accompany him to a shooting expedition upon some adjacent and that being now plump and past his prime as a he had requested leave to myself as his or substitute explaining that i was a young indian prince of great at every kind of big games accordingly to my great delight it was arranged that i should take his place my young friend beholding me appear at the breakfast table arrayed in my b a short and belly purse with did entreat me to change myself into ordinary lest i should catch death with a cold but i declined such dangers and assuring him that i did not at all dislike the excessive of my knees we drove to mr s residence castle in a hired machine and found the gentlemen gathered outside the amongst the party i was pleased to observe hon ble justice who when we were all ascended into the did rally me very good upon some mixed bag of and he had heard or so he said i had accomplished in some up country at first knowing that this was the utter impossibility i with terror tliat he was making me the fool but apparently he was himself under a misunderstanding for when we had left the vehicle and were preparing to advance he paid me the distinguished compliment of that i might be the command of one extremity of the line while he himself was to over the opposite end and thus we commenced to climb a steep hill thickly covered with a very and black wherein the of my patent leather shoes did soon hurry become totally so being gravely by the of my wind i my to an under keeper begging him to inform me of the early approach of any or deer however we saw nothing to shoot at except various sorts of wild poultry and when some of these flew up immediately in front of me i was too late owing to the carriage of my gun by an to do more than fire off a couple of barrels as a declaration of hostility but by this lesson in being i refused to part again with my deadly instrument and stumbled with finger upon the letting them fly at the first appearance of any animals it is not customary i was assured to the wild sheep in these districts though and of an excessively ferocious appearance and even when firing my bullets at birds i was subjected to continual from some keeper or other for example i was not to shoot into a flock of for the superstitious	44
reason that it was still the month of august which is supposed to be unlucky again i was for burning powder at a grey hen because it is the wife of a black cock which may be shot with although a highly chap in questions b a of the fairer sex i am yet to see why it is to render the female bird a widow but totally forbidden to make the male a or why it is to a minute bird such as a while a is on no account to be touched being eventually exasperated by these unreasonable seeing that i had merely emptied my gun barrels without actually destroying any of these sacred i addressed the keeper in the withering tones of a sarcasm keeper i said as i am not the or to distinguish every species of bird by instinct when flying with incredible would it not be better that i should discharge no shots in future to which abashed by my severity he replied that he could not just say that it would make any considerable difference whether i fired at all or none my fellow however could not refrain from shouting with irrepressible admiration at the with which the dogs i did rush forward to pick up the fallen birds and repeatedly me to take greater care for my own safety i cannot say that they exhibited equivalent seeing that so often as i raised my gun to fire they flung themselves upon their in the until i had finished hurry upon which i rallied them upon their timidity assuring them repeatedly that they had nothing to fear yet english and scotch alike accuse us of being subject to excessive what about the pot and the kettle i am to reserve the conclusion of my shooting experiences until a future occasion mr the thrilling account of his experiences on a scotch xx v greatly to his own now to resume the rather account of my on before luncheon i ventured to earnestly with my mr q c concerning the extreme severity with which he a sporting hound of his for such trivial as running after some rabbit or picking up without receiving the i listen honourable sir i entreated him to the voice of reason it is the second nature of all such to pursue nor are they at all capable of the why and wherefore of a shocking if it is your wish that this hound should play the part of a forbidden even to touch the with his watering mouth surely it is possible to restrain him by a more humane method than brute force at this mild reproof became utterly murmuring excuses which i x hurry did not catch and i perceiving that this object lesson of kindness to animals from an oriental had strongly affected all the patted the hound on the forehead him with some i carried in my sack we our lunch under a stone wall and i becoming an rallied my companions upon the solemnity with which they had marched in cautious silence and with stern countenances as to attack some formidable foe and all to slaughter sundry of birds truly an sort of undertaking to which hon ble replied with his utterance by cold pie that i might congratulate myself on having kept my own hands by any s true ex judge i retorted but as you have already here i hoisted his own at him rather i am more an au in the of et and have hitherto reserved my powder and shot for a or some similar monarch of the however after lunch let us see whether i am not competent to kill or at least one of these same fowls de i a which excited laughter at hon ble c s expense from all the present company b a subsequently we were posted in a row of small constructed of to await what is termed a drive until some flock of birds exasperated to fury by the cries and blows of certain individuals called should attack our positions hearing that the on this were of an excessive i was at first apprehensive that one might fly at my nose or eyes while i was busied in defending myself against its fellows but the keeper who was with me assured me that such was seldom their custom and indeed such as came in my direction flew with wings so by panic that they were invisible before i could even select one as my so i was reduced to fire with considerable random presently the approached carrying flags of and we out of our to pick up the slain and wounded after search i had the happiness to discover a bird stone dead in the and with triumph called to the keeper to come and see the spoil on his arrival however he that he could not just think it would be my bird as he had not noticed any fall in that direction but after i had presented him with a piece of silver he did agree that if i chose to claim the bird as mine it was not his place to contradict me and so in hurry great glee i exhibited my prize to the others appealing to the keeper who remained for confirmation a devilish clean shot prince sir graciously remarked why the bird is stiff and cold already whereupon i was cordially congratulated and the tail feathers to my and during the next driving having now acquired the i rendered several more of the air the de though either on account of their great ingenuity in running out of the or creeping into holes etc or else the stupidity of the dogs their remained on taking my leave i expressed unbounded satisfaction with such sport as i had had and my fixed intention to assist on some similar shooting expedition and mr kindly	44
promised to let me know if he should again have for an additional gun i regret to say that young who having only laid low a couple of black and a blue hare was jealous of my superior did seek to it by that my was one which having been seriously wounded by other hands some days previously had come up to the hills to off its mortal in seclusion arguing b a thus from its total absence of heat and this is the merest and to travel out of the record since of course if a bird is at all of a venerable age it becomes stiff and deficient in vital warmth long before it is off moreover if the were not my property why should i be permitted to carry it home i presented my and treasure to the miss who was so overwhelmed by the compliment that she entreated for it to be cooked and eaten as soon as i have recovered a missing link of my fishing rod which it seems has been overlooked by and when i have procured some suitable bait c it is my intention to catch a fine salmon out of the burn for my divinity and as i place the fish in her lily like hands to strike iron while it is hot and make her the formal proposal of matrimony hearing of my has with almost incredible simplicity offered to lend me his salmon rod with a volume of flies little suspecting that he will be assisting me to catch two fish upon one hook i am immensely by such a tip top joke and can scarcely refrain from it to miss herself though i shall wait until i have first secured the salmon o hurry i had some valuable remarks upon and peculiarities c but these of course are to be suppressed die unless i am to be permitted to into a special mr expresses some opinions how he secured his first t with the in r m i which he presented it to his divinity owing mainly to lack of opportunity invitations et i have not resumed the offensive against members of the department but have rather occupied myself in laborious study of as in sundry local works of poetical and prose fiction until i should be competent to converse with the in their own tongue then having now the of poet burns in my fingers ends i did the first native i met in the street of him upon his honest face and whether he had wi hon ble and was to the or ca the to the but from the of his reply i divined that he was totally without comprehension of my meaning next i addressed him by turns in the of black and my speech with o hurry and and ou and and and ad to which after listening with the most earnest attention he returned the answer that he was not acquainted with any oriental language nor could i by any argument convince this head that i was simply speaking the barbarous accents of his native land since which after some similar experiments upon various c i have made a rather peculiar discovery there is no longer any such article as a separate language and indeed i am in some whether it ever existed at all and is not rather the invention of certain audacious who have taken advantage of the ignorance and of the british public to palm off upon it several highly kinds of unintelligible i nay i will even go farther and express a grave suspicion whether the scotland of these is not the daring of a ben for after a prolonged residence of over a fortnight i have never seen anything approaching a mountain pass nor a dizzy surmounted by an eagle nor any drinking itself full at eve among the shady trunks of a deer forest i have never met a single in feminine bonnet and and short and pipes inserted in a bag nor do the inhabitants dance in the street upon b a crossed sword blades this is purely a london practice nor have i seen any his nostrils with tobacco from the discarded horn of some ram finding that my short is no longer the mould of national form i have now altogether abandoned it while retaining the fox on account of its convenience and handsome appearance now let me proceed to how i became the of a large sized salmon having accepted the loan of s fishing and attached to my line certain large flies composed of black hairs red and gilded thread which it seems the prefer even to worms i forth along the bank of a river and proceeded to whip the stream with the severity of emperor when engaged in the ocean but to employ the perhaps of poet burns my line owing to did promptly become a of knots and the flies which are named attached their to my cap and adjacent bushes with well nigh until at length i had the bright idea to the line so that i could my bait a foot or two above the surface of the water where a salmon could easily obtain it by simply turning a however after sitting patiently for an hour ai hurry as if on a monument i could not succeed in catching the eye of any passing fish and so severely by my ill luck i was strolling on my rod when whom should i encounter but and a party of friends who were watching his capture from a boat by means of a large net a far more practical and effectual method than the and device of a fly with a very visible hook and just as i approached the net was drawn towards the bank and proved to contain three very large lively fishes their tails with fury at such whereupon i	44
made the humble petition to that since he was now the favourite of fortune he was to remember him to whom she had denied her and bestow upon me the most of the since i was desirous to make a polite offering to the amiable daughter of my host and hostess and with generosity he presented me with the largest of the which with great i endeavoured to carry off under my arm though severely baffled by the extreme with which even after its it repeatedly in dust until perceiving my fix good instructed me how to carry it by its head with a piece of string b a i found miss in a secluded garden seat at the back of the as usual by the society of sir i said addressing him politely for i was extremely anxious for his departure since i could not well present my salmon to miss and request the pro of her affection in his presence accept my gratitude for the of your rod which has produced magnificent fruit you will find the instrument leaning against the of the front garden and with this i made secret to miss that she was to dismiss him but she remained and he seemed totally unaware that he was the of the market at last weary of concealing my captured salmon any longer behind the small of my back i was about to inform that he had miss s permission to absent himself when she broke the silence by informing me that as the old familiar friend of both parties i was to be the first to hear a piece of news to wit that c s and she were just become the engaged couple i was so overcome by grief and indignation at her since she had frequently encouraged me in my of her admirer s and that i stuck in the throat and then flung the salmon violently across a boundary hedge into a yard of poultry hurry madam i said that fish was to have been laid at your feet as the visible pledge of my devotion you have not only lost the gift of a splendid salmon but have thrown away the heart of a well educated native b a and member of the bar and you have gained what why a scotch but almost immediately i was taken by violent remorse for my presumption and shed the tears of forgiveness nay more i scrambled through a hole in a very hedge and recovering the salmon which had not had time to become very severely i begged them to accept it between them as a token of my esteem and good wishes which they joyfully consented to do i had expected that my worthy host and hostess would have shared my astounded disappointment on hearing of their daughter s engagement but on the contrary they received the news with smiling complacency it appears that though endowed with a somewhat and exterior is of tip top caste and and the landed proprietor i am not to deny the of such qualities though i had hitherto been under the fool s paradise of an impression that they would have infinitely preferred this humble self as a son in law however i am now emerging from my b a with the reflection that after all it is contrary to common sense to drain the cup of misery to the for so totally inadequate a cause as the of any feminine mr is compelled to return to town thereby affording his the benefit of his xx vii personal assistance an apparent attempt to pack the jury the public will be astounded at the news which came with the perfect novelty of a surprise upon this insignificant self that i have ceased to be the cherished guest beneath the hired roof of and his lady it fell out after this fashion one fine september morning when i was myself in order to go out and hunt the robert n b a genuine local for individuals belonging to the rabbit genius there came to me my young friend who was to teach my young idea how to shoot in great gloom asking me if it would take me a prolonged period to pack up my i replied that i could do the trick inquiring the reason for his question because said he if i were you i should have a wire requiring me to come up to london at once x b a from my i inquired is he then desirous of consulting with me my friend answered me that it was the one object of his present existence in that case said i rather let him come up here since i am not a mountain that i should obey the call of any moreover i am impatient to achieve the destruction of some if you will take my advice he said you will grant them a and make a of yourself there is a train for which you can just catch i wouldn t distress the and governor by any you know but i objected i am not even in receipt of any nor can i possibly omit the etiquette of a leave taking with your honourable parents just as you please replied he just now the governor and are in the front engaged in the back numbers of your precious and or whatever you call em which have been thoughtfully forwarded by a relative i don t think i d disturb them are they so interested in the performances of my i cried with the gratified of a flattered it looked like it when i left the room said he the was very near rolling on the i hurry and the governor dancing and foaming from his mouth what an awfully old ass you have been to go and out everything in print about your breach of promise case and getting to know	44
they simply did not recognise me in the of such i am not to decide but they passed by without visibly to my hurry a stout large q c with luxuriant cheek whiskers has just entered the row in front whispers to me that this is whom i refused to engage and who is now in opposition i have taken the undue liberty to pluck him by the sleeve and introduce myself in straightforward english style to his honourable notice him that his unfortunate had a very case and was not deserving of success while myself was a native whose entire fortune was on a stake and urging him not to show too windy a temper to such a lamb as his however he has declined rather to lend me his ears nor can i induce his learned junior who is my next neighbour to show me any kindness my said is highly indignant at my treatment and me in an that i am not to make any further to such stuck up individuals hon ble justice enters in highly dignified fashion he is of a bland and intensely clean aspect which my heart for it is obvious from his benevolent and smiling bow to myself that he already feels a paternal interest in my the conquest of my spurs the jury are taking the oath whether any of my co to punch are among them i cannot discover since they do not b a to encourage me by the of even a but this is perhaps occasioned by over prudence the learned junior on my right has risen and in bald and barren has stated the issues which are to be tried and being evidently no heaven bom orator sits abruptly down completely for lack of a more copious a poor devil of a chap whom i regard with pity q c is addressing the jury he is not a tongue tied but he speaks in a commonplace sort of fashion which does not shed a very brilliant lustre upon boasted british though of an it appears from the excessive he upon that he is already the tangled fly in the web of her feminine what a pity that such a prominent should be so in seeing through such a as the female heart he is in making most and allusions to my self which it is impossible that i am to suffer without rising to with indignation however though he makes bitter complaints of my he does me the honour to refer to me as his friend for which i thank him with a gratified assuring him that i his esteem hurry hon ble judge has just me the kindly and golden advice that unless i sit down and remain sealed the case will continue for ever and anon and that i am not to advance my interests by the customary of the bar is giving her testimony she has greatly improved in her physical appearance since i was a resident of house and her are as if not more so than miss s own that she should relate her story with so many from ordinary her and timidity have even the judge for after i have risen and vehemently contradicted her in various unimportant details he has actually at me that unless i wait until it is my turn to cross examine he will take some very severe measure with me at the rising of the court a pretty specimen of p m the court has risen for lunch at the conclusion of a rather severe cross examination by myself of the fair and not being oppressed by pangs of hunger i have leisure to record the result which owing to the of hon ble bench the complicated state of the laws of evidence and miss s ingenuity in returning entirely wrong answers to my searching b a did not attain to the sanguine level of my expectations for instance when i asked her whether it was not the fact that i was deficient in physical she made the unexpected reply that she had not observed it and that i had frequently described to her my daring achievements in sticking wild pigs and shooting man eating also she entirely refused to admit that the and gold ring i had given her was not in token of our but merely to her for not being invited as well as myself to a certain fashionable dinner party and the judge interrupting in the most manner said that as he did not understand that i seriously denied the existence of an engagement to marry he was unable to perceive the bearings of my again i reminded her of her mention of the gift of a china model of poet s and required her on her oath to answer whether it had not been originally intended for another lady and whether having accidentally seated myself upon it i had not decided to bestow the upon herself instead to which she replied with emotion that all she knew was that i had assured her at the time that the said piece of china had been expressly purchased for herself as a hurry of my ardent affection and she had accepted it as such and carefully restored it with some patent before this the judge had asked me how i could expect the to know what was passing in the recesses of my own mind and informed her that she need not answer such a ridiculous question unless she pleased but she did please and her answer was received with applause which however the bench perceiving though that i was entitled to some protection did declare in angry tones that it was on no account to be permitted next i inquired whether it was not true that she was of a disposition and to laugh and talk with the and whether i had not	44
the facts as simply and as you can when you have given your own evidence and called any witnesses you may wish to call you will have an opportunity of addressing the jury and exhibiting the eloquence on which you apparently place so much reliance here poor old bundles off to the and takes some oath or other with immense after which he starts telling the jury a long rambling and is awfully when the old judge him up which he does about every other minute this is the sort of thing that goes on at this of the jury i being but a and no of the judge not so fast sir not so fast follow my pen i ve not got down half what you said before that reads laboriously from his notes in apprehension of being severely d who do you say threatened to assault you in that manner the mother i have already had the honour to inform your that i was utterly by the savage threats of the s mother that b a unless i consented to become the she would summon certain able to and kick my person and consequently not being a the judge no one has ever suggested that you are an animal of that description sir have the goodness to keep to the point reads as he writes i was so by threats of mother that she would have me severely kicked by third parties if i refused that i consented to become engaged to is that what you say beaming your s acute intellect has comprehended my with great intelligence the judge looking at him under his spectacles well go on what next so old goes on away at such a deuce of a rate that the judge gives up all idea of taking notes and sits staring at in resigned disgust it was h b j will and won t keep to the point but all the same i fancy somehow h s getting round the jury he s such a jolly innocent kind of old ass and they like him because h s no end of sport the a devilish fine girl and gave her evidence uncommonly well but unless hurry up again i believe old will in a after all i haven t taken down anything else except his wind up when of course lu managed to get in a speech believe me gentlemen of the jury this is simply the attempt to and a poor indian for it is incredible that any english female of genteel and the lovely and appearance which you have all beheld in this box it is incredible i say that she should seriously desire to become a mere in a of indian how is she possibly to endure a domestic existence exposed to the and arrows of a perpetual warfare from various native and sisters in law or how is she to reconcile her dainty and fastidious stomach after the and fare of a boarding house to simple and frequently repulsive indian no of the jury as warm hearted english gentlemen you will never condemn an unfortunate and industrious native and to make a of his career and burden his friends and his families with such a bone of as a european better half who will plunge him into the pretty of innumerable family i shall now the witness box in favour of my b a intimate friend and benefactor hon ble sir who will tell you the judge rising before we have the pleasure of seeing sir here mr there is a little formality you appear to have overlooked the s counsel will probably wish before you leave the box to put a few questions to you in cross examination and that must stand over till to morrow at this old s jaw falls several holes note by mr road i am excessively gratified by the result of my first day s trial being already the established favourite and of the whole court who split their sides at my slightest so i am no longer alarmed by the prospect of being examined especially since ton q c has abandoned his brief in despair to a tongue tied junior who is to exclaim bo to a goose indeed i have some thoughts of declining to be by a mere the only fly in the of my success is the utter indifference of to my triumphs at the termination of the hearing to day i beheld her so deeply engrossed in smiling and cordial converse with the curly headed young who is hurry acting on her behalf that she was totally unconscious of my vicinity i et i f v v part heard mr finds cross examination much less xxx formidable than he had anti it is now the second day of my celebrated case which is such a success that already the court is tight as a drum while a vast disappointed crowd is at the doors i was about to these assuring them i was not responsible for their and promising to exert my utmost influence with the hon ble judge that they were all to be admitted but my seizing me by the hurried me through the entrance with the friendly recommendation that i was not to be the in the i perceive seated in a hat even more becoming than her yesterday head dress and i am not a little puffed with pride to be proceeded against by a of such a and elegant appearance i s a m after all q c has paid me the marked compliment of turning hurry up to personally conduct my cross examination at which esq becomes that he is capable of turning my inside out in no time unless i am careful but knowing that such are not in regions i enter the box with a serene and smiling countenance later i am	44
delighted with the on the whole with which i have been cross examined for to my q c commenced with displaying a respectful and sympathetic interest in my career c which rendered me completely at my ease and though on occasions he did suddenly manifest severity i soon discovered that his anger was mere wind from a tea pot and that he was in secret highly gratified by the nature of my replies and for the most part he had the great condescension to treat me with a kind and familiarity i had privately a acquaintance of mine with instructions to take down nothing but my answers but with inconceivable he has done the exact converse and merely the of however as i do not accurately recall my i am to the report here pro trusting to the ingenuity of the public to read between the lines b a here follows the report mr q c well mr so it seems that it is all a mistake about your being a prince eh and however such an idea may have originated j ou never represented yourself as a or anything of the kind i was sure you would say so you have such a high regard for truth and such a deep sense of the obligation of an oath that you are incapable of a deliberate falsehood at any time may i take that for granted very glad to hear it and of course mr it was no fault of yours if people chose to assume from a certain magnificence in your appearance and way of living and so on that you must be of high rank in your own country but though you don t set up to be a prince you are i believe a recent acquisition to the honourable profession of which we are both members and also a of some distinction are you not indeed i congratulate you a highly respectable and no doubt the have shown a proper appreciation of the value of your services in a pecuniary sense really you are indeed to be envied mr not many young can rely upon making such an income by their pen while they are waiting for the to come in may i ask if you intend to practice hurry in this country the bar eh then i suppose you can count upon influence out there your father a is he i m afraid i don t know what that is exactly a now i understand so he will give you cases in which i am sure you will distinguish yourself but you ll have to work hard won t you i thought so no more pig sticking or tiger shooting eh that s a isn t it you re passionately devoted to tiger shooting aren t you unless i m mistaken you first won the admiration by the vivid manner in which you described your moving accidents by flood and field another parallel between you and eh well tell me i m no myself but it s rather a thrilling moment isn t it when a tiger is trying to climb up your elephant and get inside the what do you call it oh to be sure thank you very much so i should have imagined still i suppose when you re used to it even that wouldn t shake your nerve to any extent you would bowl over your tiger at close quarters without turning a hair would you not just so a great gift presence of mind and pig sticking now isn t a rather an awkward customer to tackle you never found him so but suppose you miss him with your spear and he charges your horse ah you re a b a mighty hunter mr i perceive ever shoot any no that s a pleasure to come then now about your relations with the prior to your engagement you were a good deal in her company weren t you well you constantly escorted her to various places of amusement come yes yes i am quite aware a was always present we are both agreed that my has acted throughout with the most scrupulous propriety but you liked being in her society didn t you exactly so and at that time at all events you admired her extremely merely as a friend eh no idea of proposing well just tell us once more how it was you came to engage yourself you were afraid your landlady would summon a and ask him to give you a kicking and the prospect of being kicked terrified you to such an extent that you were willing to promise anything is that your story but you are a man of iron nerve you know you ve just been giving us a description of your performances in the how did you come to be so alarmed by a when the attack of the tiger or wild never made you turn a hair but that is what you gave us to understand just now wasn t it then do you tell his and the jury now that as a matter of fact you never shot a solitary tiger or a single in your hurry life why didn t you say so at once sir do you consider a of that kind a mere trifle in spite of the fact that you have solemnly sworn to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth very well sir i will take your answer now just look at this letter of yours your has a copy of the correspondence yes it is all admitted my lord til read it to you reach it now sir is it the fact that you ever actually consulted the gentleman who the distinction of being to your family upon your marriage with the be careful what you say and did he	44
ever forbid you to contract such an alliance then was there a word of truth in all that i thought as much let me read you another letter he reads here you see you make quite another excuse you are already married and can only offer the the position of a rival wife or as you call it have you ever contracted an infant marriage in india oh that is true is it but why when you were paying these attentions to the did it never occur to you to mention the fact that you were a married man you don t know may it not have been because you were a was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this letter then why did you write of her as if she were alive i quite believe that but why b a were you so anxious to break it off just then well when you were cross examining the you asked her about a certain china ornament you had given her which seems to have been originally intended for another young lady we needn t mention her name here but made her acquaintance some time after your engagement didn t you and since you left house you have seen a good deal of her eh you were a great admirer of hers weren t you tm not asking you whether she is engaged to a scotch gentleman at the present moment i m putting it to you that at the time you were writing these letters to the you had already formed the conclusion that this other young lady was more deserving of the honour of being the second mrs i am not suggesting that you could help it but wasn t it so very well that is all i have to ask you mr you can go i must not omit to record that my replies and the reading of my letters did excite frequent and merriment and in other respects i have so that my me it is not worth a candle to call any further witnesses especially as hon ble has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen and as for ram he it seems has of course been seized by such hurry violent that he was compelled to leave the court so i am now to deliver one more brief which will secure me the of the jury and my head to the skies as cock of the only i regret that s is now completely invisible to me being obscured by the dimensions of her hat also that she should carry on such protracted with her curly headed professional adviser which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and hon ble justice v continued the brings his speech to a somewhat un t expected conclusion and mr a a a q c i addresses the jury in reply my acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the literal of my concluding which will afford a feeble idea of the of my h b j report may it please your mighty honour and great notorious gentlemen on the jury it must present a strange and funny appearance to behold a young indian b a provided with a big education and the of law crawling humbly towards your as a and already i perceive from your benevolent and that your hearts are inclined towards your unfortunate son and that you are too deeply with wisdom to be at all by the ad charms of feminine indeed i am a poor chap if not almost completely dead for want of funds and if i had s hurry only been able to call my and benefactor hon ble sir he would have the judge as you did not think proper no doubt for excellent reasons to put sir in the box when you could have done so mr i shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now upon the evidence he might or might not have given j i beg to very to your s argument the fact is that the said sir on hearing my answers when i was acting in the capacity of a under my friend ton s cross examination very handsomely stated that i had left nothing for him to say and begged modestly that he might be excused but indeed i occupy but a very apartment in this fools hotel of a world and it is the moral impossibility for me to pay any whatever moreover it is a well fact that i am a shocking coward and was induced to become by haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe for how being suddenly put to my choice between being kicked and or acquiring a and blooming bride could i hesitate for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils nevertheless i did remain devoted to the for many weeks until i encountered a still b a younger and more lady who became the star to my compass like heart but lack a though i left no stones to be off with my old love i did not get on very fortunately with the new seeing that she preferred an young scotch whereby i am reduced to shedding tears in silence and solicitude between two of laughter like the that was being by thoughtless i reply for you it may be but to myself it is a serious affair for after beholding the here and discovering that she had advanced rather than in physical i made cordial approaches to her but she passed me by with a exalted nose gentlemen it is a terrific piece of for her to that her heart has been by my when at this very moment instead of her ears to my brief and rambling she is entirely engrossed in converse with her sensation q c rising my lord	44
i really must protest there is absolutely no justification for the s outrageous i am informed by miss that she simply asked the gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling the judge i fail to see mr what hurry advantage you can hope to gain by these highly irregular the is under my immediate observation and i have seen nothing in her conduct during the trial of which you have the smallest right to complain j i am highly satisfied by your s not being in such a of as your honour s i was by the of heads viewed from the rear now before again becoming a i am to propose a decisive test of s in desiring my insignificant self as a i beg humbly to have the honour of my formal proposal of marriage and moreover will pledge myself in most solemn and business like style never on any account whether so permitted by laws of country or vice to take to myself a single additional native wife in her lifetime this handsome offer is genuine and without prejudice and i will take leave to remind in the terms of a rather that she is not too closely to inspect the mouth of such a gifted horse as myself great laughter and some sensation in court as sits dawn q c your will see that this ah rather development renders it necessary that i should ascertain the s views before proceeding to reply the judge breathless excitement in court while the b a s carries on an animated conversation with mr w in rising once more gentlemen i have as it was my duty to do consulted the respecting the unusual course which the has thought proper to take her answer to his proposal is the answer which i am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the circumstances beams the gentlemen has undergone the ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be called upon to endure hear from and out of that ordeal i think you will all agree she has come absolutely i need hardly say that she is incapable now of any unworthy sentiments of or revenge beams more still but gentlemen there are some injuries which as you know a woman may find herself able to excuse to even to but which she feels nevertheless must operate as an and barrier between herself and the individual who could be capable of them s smile becomes a trifle less assured after the disgraceful and attempts the has made to his obligations his his insulting after the deplorable exhibition he has made of himself in that box and especially after the sombre picture he himself has painted o hurry of the domestic future he has to offer after all this i ask you gentlemen is it likely is it possible is it even conceivable that the can retain any respect or affection for him or have sufficient courage and confidence to her happiness to such hands s face gradually once it is true under the of her own girlish illusions she was ready to herself to endure an alien existence and strange manners and customs for his beloved sake but now now that her ideal is shattered her dream now it is too late gentlemen my s answer is and it is one which will only command your increased respect no he has broken my heart my belief in human nature cast a upon my existence miss m sobs audibly here and is visibly affected much as i should like to recover my old belief in him much as it would be to my worldly advantage to marry a wealthy with talents and influence which are certain to lead to rapid promotion in his native land bows and then shakes his head in protest he has made me suffer too much i cannot accept him now tke learned counsel then dealt with various portions of the case and concluded thus well gentlemen shall not have to trouble you with many further remarks but i will just say this before i sit down the b a amongst innumerable other ingenious excuses has pleaded for your indulgence on the score of poverty he has the brazen to plead poverty after complacently admitting in that box that he is earning at this very moment an income by his pen alone that might be envied by many a english i do not say this by way of making any reflection upon the on the contrary gentlemen i consider it does credit to his ability and enterprise bows again but at the same time it effectually of his that he is without means and indeed leaving his literary gains entirely out of the question it must have been obvious from what you have heard and seen of his manner of living in this country that he is amply provided with pecuniary resources bearing this in mind gentlemen i ask you to mark your sense of his heartless treatment of the and the mental and social injury she has suffered on his account by her substantial not i need scarcely say in any spirit of but as some compensation however inadequate for all she has gone through and also as a warning to other but that they cannot expect to trifle with the affection of our generous english maidens without paying aye and paying dearly too for the amusement he sits down amidst applause hurry note by mr hon ble judge is to sum up after lunch i am highly pained and disappointed that my friend should have shown himself a and have taken the liberty as he quitted the court to murmur the plaintive remonstrance of et tu brute i into the of his left ear my is of the opinion that my case is looking a bit rocky but that much will	44
do they find for or for and the twenty five thou i my stars o who d have thought it my will never pay the for such an tune i am a done for i all right i was deceived by o hurry it is not twenty five thou but twenty five pounds i a mere bite from a the has fallen into from disappointed there is some idle talk about costs following the event and for a special jury a luxury for which it seems i am not to fork out the case is over outside in the corridor and hall i was the of neighbouring eyes and applauded as a good old and told that now they shouldn t be long though for what else they were waiting i could not learn madame did overtake me near the doors and invite me to tea and talk in a coffee and that she had recently misunderstood the state of her daughter s heart and that she had in reality been desirous from the first to accept my offer to which i replied that the gates of grave were now closed and that the like the had thrown away the bone of a first class opportunity in exchange for the rather and shadowy form of a twenty five pound note but as a i refrained from saying that i had been thus totally put off by an nose b a then i proceeded amidst cheering up lane to a certain bar wherein young myself and very handsomely upon and champagne wine after which i returned to road full of and cheerfulness it is practically certain that my the will with paternal pride on hearing by of my moral victory and same with and besides sending ample for all costs out of pocket c so i am now to return shortly to when my time will be too exclusively taken up with triumphs for any further or for or similar after all for a fellow who is able to multitudes and persuade their and reasoning faculties by dint of golden of mere is a very and poorly paid pursuit notwithstanding my as a i shall on arriving in india recommend punch to all my innumerable families and friends as a highly respectable provided that the and free hearted generosity of those hon ble the editor and shall account me worthy to draw a monthly retiring for my distinguished services hurry and with respects to my honoured readers and their respective relatives i have the honour to remain ever and anon their most grateful humble and obedient servant h b j the end d and company s the story of the year hall s new novel christian by hall author of the the the etc i mo cloth i one of the g books of the century end new york home the public is hardly prepared for so remarkable a performance as the christian a permanent addition to english literature above and beyond any popularity that is merely temporary boston herald must be regarded as the greatest work that has yet come from the pen of this strong writer a ok of wonderful power and force eagle the best story hall has written it is one of the best stories that have been written for many years it is emphatically the strongest and x t story that has been written during the past twelve months a in fiction commercial this extraordinary piece of fiction none who read it will its power and the remarkable book of the summer new york times of powerful and absorbing interest the reader is irresistibly fascinated from the very beginning a remarkable book press a noble story one of the best half dozen novels of the a splendid piece of writing a profound study in character and a series of thrilling evening post a book that has assuredly placed its maker upon a which will last well nigh forever powerful thrilling dramatic and best of all intensely honest in its every line a truly wonderful achievement commercial by long odds the most powerful production of his very productive pen and it will live and be read and re read when ninety per cent of the books of to day are for boston daily globe though the theme is old mr has worked it up with a pass on and power that make it new again can not fail to thrill even the most careless reader new york herald the christian is one of the strongest novels of the year and is in some respects the greatest work this author has yet produced evening telegraph mr s strongest and most important a powerful story the portrait of the pure of glory is beyond any praise we can bestow n y mail and express by far the strongest novel that has been brought out this year if you once dip into it you must stay with it until the end it lays hold upon your heart and attention chronicle d and company new york d co s s best books j he seats of the mighty being the of captain robert sometime an officer in the virginia regiment and afterwards of s regiment i mo cloth illustrated another historical ro of the and intensity of the of the has never come the pen of an american mr s latest work may without hesitation be set down as the best he has done from the first chapter to the last interest in the book never one finds it difficult to interrupt the narrative with space it with excitement and strange adventure all of the scenes do to the genius of mr and make seats of the mighty one of the bo of the record mr is to be congratulated on the excellence of his	44
in expression s grasp boston a sketch among them all that will not afford pleasure to the reader for its genial humor artistic local and of character boston home journal one into the book anywhere and reads on and on fascinated by the writer s charm of manner eighth edition a love story pure and simple one of the old wholesome pure minded sound hearted hero and a heroine who is merely a kind with a and beautiful woman and if any other love story half so sweet has been written lis year it has escaped our notice york the general conception of the story the motive of which is the growth of love een the young chief and heroine is with a sweetness and a freshness a and a certainty which places the among the best stones the time york mail and express in its own line this little love story can hardly be it is a pastoral an the story of love and courtship and marriage of a fine young man and a love y no more but it is told in so thoroughly delightful a manner with such playful humor such delicate such true and sympathetic feeling that nothing more could se desired boston d and company new york d and company s by a con an uniform edition i i o per volume f ac a romance of the empire illustrated uncle is tor a truth dr s napoleon viewed as a picture of the little man in the gray coat it must rank before anything he has written i he fascination of it is extraordinary z js chronicle from the opening pages the clear and energetic telling of tlie story never and our attention never london observer id y stone illustrated a remarkable book worthy of the pen that gave us the white company and other notable london daily news a notable and very brilliant work of genius london speaker stone is in our judgment the best of dr s novels there are few descriptions in fiction that can with that race upon the road london times exploits of a romance of the life of a typical soldier illustrated the is brave resolute loyal never was a foe ardent in battle more in victory or more ready at need gallantry martial b moving incident make up a really delightful london times be set down without as the most thoroughly book that dr has ever published boston t he letters being a series of twelve letters written by m b to his friend and former fellow student of during the years illustrated a much more interesting creation than and i pray dr to give us more of him richard le in the london i tar the letters is a bit of real literature its reading will be an epoch making event in many a life evening telegraph the red lamp being facts and fancies of medical life too much can not be said in praise of these strong productions that to read keep one s heart leaping to the throat and the mind in a tumult of anticipation to the nd no series of short stories in modem literature can approach them ford times u a had not already placed himself in the front rank of living english writers by the and other of his larger stories he would surely da so by these fifteen short s york mail and express d and company new york d co s statement of by f author of vice the giant s robe etc i mo cloth special binding most admirably done we read fascinated and fully every word we read the book has deeply interested us and even us more than once london daily chronicle a wildly fantastic story thrilling and has an air of vivid of bold conception and vigorous treatment a very london times m arch by author of the of ware in the valley etc i mo cloth special binding one of the most cheerful novels we have chanced upon for many a day it has much of the rapidity and vigor of a written fa ce with a a written farce rarely possesses a book decidedly worth don saturday review a striking and original story effective pleasing and very capable dan literary green gates an analysis of foolishness by mrs k m c author of etc i mo cloth i crisp and delightful fascinating not so much for what it suggests as for its manner and the cleverly people who walk through its pages ca t herald an al strain bright and and strong enough in is foolishness and its unexpected tragedy to prove its sterling boston a t n gin a ti ve man by robert s hich author of the folly of the green etc i mo cloth a study in character just as entertaining as though it were ihe conventional story of love and marriage the clever hand of the author of he green is easily detected in the wit and pointed l in the new york corruption by white author of mr martin etc i mo cloth a drama of biting intensity a tragedy of purpose and result a hard woman a story in scenes by violet hunt i mo cloth a good story ht keen and dramatic it is out of the and wit give you a new sensation new york herald new york d co fifth avenue d and company s s books n he third violet i mo cloth i oo by this latest product of his genius our impression of mr is confirmed that for insight for dramatic intensity and for the of phrase he is already in uie front rank of and american writers df fiction and that he possesses a certain separate	44
that their revival is not without excuse f t and the good little girl the story of a sugar prince don the story of a greedy dog a toy tragedy a farewell appearance s hero at r a ik blood when is the enemy f i have to be a little sharp now and then he explained uncle you re to come into tea directly where is the army are the indians really coming it s on she cried a magnificent flag a mad bull comes into the they must have done it with their own where is the general the mysterious na sa tastes differ so much ran away directly a showed his nose an indian spy had stalked the s cabin a run for his life the good little girl don t you think you could write your newspaper other day you mustn t call me pretty because i ar i not picking up the jewels that scattered in profusion i only talk and the jewels come that is all walked past with her head in the air the story of a sugar prince why the prince forgot the cake the made in uncle john s hat article on some pa e i loi x xiv list of illustrations page ghosts even see he said you want something out of me the baby shook the prince up and down wonder if i might just taste him don the story of a greedy dog don i m not hard on you am i a dusty little guilty dog stole in like a very greedy christian my friend had a blind man tied to him what that thing round your neck he sat up in the way he had always found irresistible a toy tragedy very mixed society and an ugly old man never could get intimate with her tied her up and whipped her may i go out for a little while vm a judge tottering to the block don t believe you one bit the end of a tragedy a farewell appearance hemmed him up in a corner this ere particular has his gifts managed to get a firm tried to stop him and ghostly the man with the drum came up your little dog seems very wet and tired s hero love do let me nurse it people seemed to stare at them so keep them out and l li f vas a very hot afternoon and and were sitting the big on the lawn at the each had her by her side and the court lay smooth and inviting close by but they did not seem inclined to play just then and there was something in the expression of all three which indicated a common grievance well said the eldest who was nearly and fourteen we need not have excited ourselves about the boys holidays if we had only known they don t give us much of their society why we haven t had one single game of together yet and then to have the impudence to tell us that they didn t care much about our sort of said when i can throw up every bit as far as jack and it takes three to bowl me it s cheek of them cried what would mother say if she heard you talk like that oh it s the holidays said lazily besides it is a shame they would have played with us just as they used to if it hadn t been for that yes agreed he hates i do believe that s the reason why he invented this silly army and talked jack and into giving up everything for it they haven t any will of their own poor things said you forget put in is the guest they ought to give way to him well said it s ridiculous for great boys who have been two terms at school to go marching about with swords and guns big babies act the first perhaps there was a little personal feeling at the bottom of this for she had offered herself for and had been sternly rejected on the ground of her sex i wish he would go i know that said making a rather vicious little chop at her shoe with her those boys talk about nothing but their stupid army from morning to night uncle says they make him feel quite at lunch and what do you think is the last thing they ve done put up a great fence all round their tent and shut themselves up there all day except when and hide put in always jumping up somewhere and wanting you to give the it isn t like home these holidays perhaps suggested it makes things safer you know cried contemptuously for had appointed herself professional to the family and her efforts were about as successful as such domestic offices ever are look out cried presently coming don t let s take the least notice of them they hate that more than anything from the filed three boys the first and of whom wore an imposing s and with a crimson and carried a and a drawn sword the other two had and and wore red caps like those of the french army they carried guns on their shoulders halt dismiss shouted the commanding officer and the army broke off with admirable precision don t be alarmed said the general to the three girls the army is only out on fatigue duty then wouldn t the army like to sit down suggested forgetting all about her recent proposal ah you don t understand said general with some pity it s a military term he was a pale boy with hair and who was evidently fully alive to the dignity of his position suppose we let military things alone for a little while said we want the army to come and play	44
you will won t you jack and and will she likes it i don t mind a game said jack ru play if you like added but he had forgotten that the general was a bit of a j act the first that s nice discipline he said i don t know whether you know it but in some armies you d be court for less than that well may we then asked a little impatiently no salute now cried his superior i shall never make you fellows smart why at the last there were half a dozen of us and we like machines of course you t play this is only a and it s over now attention the left of the force will occupy the the right will push on and blow up the gate which of us is the left wing inquired you are of course oh all right only you said jack was just now grumbled who was evidently a little disposed to rebel at being deprived of his look here said the general either let s do the thing thoroughly or not do it at all it s no pleasure to me to be general i can tell you and if i can t have perfect discipline in the ranks why we might as well drop the army altogether oh all right said jack who was a boy we won t do it again and they went off to carry out their separate and instructions remaining by the i have to be a little sharp now and then he explained why if i didn t keep an iron rule over them they d be getting in no time you mustn t think i ve any objection to their playing or anything of that sort only discipline must be kept up though it seems severe perhaps to you it doesn t seem to be half bad fun for at all events said of course added whose cheeks were flushed and eyes suspiciously bright as she plucked all the blades of grass that were within her reach we re glad if you re enjoying being here but it s a little slow for us girls you might give the army a half holiday now and then an army especially a small army like ours said ought to be constantly prepared for action else it s no use then look at the protection it is why we ve just built a fortified place close to the kitchen garden where you could all retire to if we were attacked and properly we could hold out for almost any time thank you said i should feel a good deal safer in the box room and then who s going to attack us f act the first well you never know replied but if they did come it s something to feel we should be able to defend ourselves yes remarked an army would certainly be a great convenience then that would depend on what it did said her sister it wouldn t be much of a convenience if it ran away i don t think jack and would ever do that observed i suppose that means that you think i should inquired who was quick at discovering personal allusions i wasn t thinking about you at all said with supreme indifference we don t know you well enough to say whether you re brave or not we do know our brothers there wouldn t be much sense in my being the general if i wasn t the would there he demanded well as to that you see retorted we don t see much sense in any of it girls can t be expected to see sense in anything he said at all events no one can be expected to see bravery till there s some danger said and there isn t the least that s all you know about it but i ve and thing more important to do than stay here tm off to see what the army s up to and he marched off with great pomp when he had disappeared remarked frankly isn t he a pig i don t think it s nice to call our visitors pigs remonstrated and he s not really more greedy than most boys don t lecture i didn t mean he was that kind of pig i said he was a pig and he is said not over i wonder what jack and can see in him i thought that when they wrote asking him to be invited that he d be sure to be such a jolly boy he may be a jolly boy at school was all that even the could find to urge in his favour i believe said that they re not nearly so mad about him as they were didn t you notice about the just now he them that s what it is explained only with talking i mean of course but he talks such a lot and he will have his own way and if they say anything he reminds them he s a visitor and ought to be humoured i wish it was any use getting uncle to speak to him but he s so stupid act the first ir is he though said a lazy voice from behind the oh uncle cried i didn t know you were there don t was the answer i know it must be a trial to have an uncle on the verge of but bear with me i am at least harmless of course we know you re really rather clever said but you are stupid about some things you never interfere whatever people do don t i really said their uncle as he disposed himself on his back and his hat over his nose you do surprise me what a mistake for a	44
above the top she could see a fluttering flag and the point of a tent jack was perched up on a kind of look out and was pacing solemnly before the covered entrance with a of very mild aspect over his shoulder v act the first who goes there he called out some time after her vouchsafed no direct reply to this challenge youve to come in to x directly she announced in her most tone advance and give the said the don t be a donkey returned tossing back her long brown hair impatiently his it is when a sister can t enter into the spirit of the thing better than that who ever heard of a being told on not to be a donkey my orders are to fire on all suspicious persons he informed her stopped both her ears no please it makes me jump so there s no cap on said he then there s a or a or something horrid she objected do turn it the other way s all right said jack in rebuke of this excessive zeal we can let her pass as if i wanted to pass exclaimed i only came to bring you back to tea and if you re afraid to go without leave there s a permission from for you and oh come in and have a look now you re here said the garrison more you can t think how jolly the inside is well if i must she said though as a matter of fact she was exceedingly curious to see the interior of the it s like the ones in ready and treasure island you see explained jack proudly and it s pierced for too we could open a withering fire on before they could come near us they would have to be rather stupid to want to this wouldn t they said i don t see that must something and it is snug isn t it now was secretly much impressed in the centre of the was the commander s tent with a lantern fixed at the pole for night watches and and carpets were strewn about at one of the angles of the was the look out an elaborate of old wine cases and egg boxes on the top of which was fixed a seven and that commanded the surrounding country for quite a hundred yards she was not the person however to go into she merely smiled a rather little smile and said mar but somehow act the first whatever sarcasm this was accepted by both boys as a tribute you can see now said in a reasonable tone that there wouldn t have been room here for all you girls now would there girls are always in the way everywhere said with a which was quite lost upon her brothers i knew you d be sensible about it said jack you can t think what fun we have in here especially at night when the lantern s lit there s some one calling a shrill whistle sounded from the kitchen garden and a moment after a stone came flying over the and was stopped by the canvas of the tent that s cool cheek said jack get up and quick mounted the and brought the to bear upon the immediate neighbourhood with admirable coolness and science but na particular result we shall have to the bush and see if we can find any traces of the enemy said he with infinite relish was that the stone said pointing to one that lay at the foot of the fence because there seems to be some paper wrapped round it and so there is said jack proceeding to it presently he exclaimed i say what is it now asked nothing for you it s private said jack mysteriously here come down and look at this read it and whistled we must report this to the general at once he said gravely both boys were very solemn and yet had a certain novel air of satisfied importance shall we tell her asked she must know it some time returned jack we ll break it by degrees we ve just had notice that we re going to be attacked by red indians don t be alarmed ru try not to be she said conquering a very strong inclination to laugh she saw that they took it quite seriously and though she had at once suspected that some one in the village was playing them a trick she did not choose to them had a malicious desire to see what the general would do don t believe he will like the idea at all she said to herself what fun it will be s expectations seemed about to be fulfilled for already she could hear steps on the plank of the little bridge and in another minute the general himself entered the fortress act the first i say you fellows he began this is too bad no one on guard and a girl inside why she might be a spy for anything you could tell thank you said for this was rather trying to a person of her dignity i say general began jack never mind about us now some queer news to report this has just fallen into our hands watched closely as he read the paper it was and printed in lead pencil and contained these words be on the red on the i herd them saying they ment to fort at from a she was soon compelled to own that she had done him a great injustice he was certainly as far as possible from betraying the slightest fear on the contrary his eye seemed actually to with satisfaction he behaved exactly as all heroes in books of adventure do on such occasions he went through it twice	44
and sit up for them will you do you think a set of he demanded not you but but jack and are not very big boys are they i mean they re a little too young to fight full sized indians there will be all sorts of sized indians i expect said of course i say they ll come they may think discretion s the better part of when they find we re prepared but i must say i anticipate an attack myself i wish you would do without jack and couldn t you suggested act the second his eyes gleamed he said tell me the worst the army are getting in a no she cried and then she resolved to sacrifice their reputation for their safety at least they haven t said anything but tm sure they d feel more comfortable in the drawing room can t you order them to stay and guard us you re general and i am to face the foe alone he cried well i am older than them i must decline to be responsible for the grammar of the characters of this story i have lived my life i shall be the less missed let it be as you say all this was strictly according to the books and he enjoyed himself immensely thank you dear dear i d no idea you were so noble and brave try not to let those indians hit you i cannot answer for the future he said but since you wish it i will do my best after all there were some good in girls here was one who said exactly the right things without any whatever hunted up jack and who were about in the house you re not to guard the she announced with ill concealed triumph and oh aren t we though said who says so not mother no he said i was to tell you to go on duty in the drawing room what h said as if any indians would come there i don t care what says i shall go in the so shall i said jack now let s get that piece of and go down sharp the evening star s out already poor was in despair what was to be done when they were so obstinate as this i know where there s some beautiful she said where tell us quick come with me and i ll show you she led the way along a corridor to the wing where the room was wait till i see if it s there still she said and went into the room and looked around yes it ts there she told them as she came oat i don t see it where they cried from within shut the door softly and turned the key which she had managed to abstract on entering in the outer lock it s on the floor she cried through the key act the second hole i didn t tell a and don t be angry boys dear it s all for your good then without waiting to hear their indignant she along the corridor and down the staircase with the sounds of muffled shouts and growing fainter behind her i don t mind so much now she thought they ll be awfully angry when they come but the indians will have gone by that time had already retreated to his when she entered the drawing room everything seemed s as usual uncle lam k cr m evening clothes was playing from mrs came down presently and he took her in to dinner with one of his tiresome jokes and no one seemed at all anxious about poor fighting all alone down in the she curled herself up on a by one of the open windows and listened trying to catch the of indian she said anxiously do you think the indians will hurt gave a little laugh i don t think the army s in any very great danger she replied doesn t believe there are any indians at all explained well said softly ive kept the army out of danger whether there are or not but she felt relieved by her sisters evident and by and by when mrs came in from the dining room and settled down with her as if there were not the least chance of a savage coming in through the open window almost forgot her fears they came back in full force however as a little later on she heard a quick light step on the gravel outside and started with a little scream of terror don t tell them where the army are she cried and then she saw that her alarm was needless for it was the gallant general who stepped into the room looked up from the which she was making for a children s hospital threw away her book mrs act the second had ceased to but that was because she was peacefully victory said waving his sword then they did come cried triumphantly rather he replied i couldn t tell how many there were but they were overcome with panic at the first discharge i fancy indians had never heard before how funny that we shouldn t have heard any now remarked resting her chin on her palms while her grey eyes had a rather mocking sparkle in them not funny at all he said considering the wind was the other way i let them come on and then poured a into the part of their ranks that made them and then i made a and you should have just seen them i wish i had said as she another christmas card into her and weren t you wounded at all a mere scratch he said lightly which is what book heroes always say it looks as if you had been amongst the bushes said examining his	44
arm as he pulled up his sleeve does it well i only know its lucky for me there were no poisoned arrows and t you to have it burnt though just in case suggested in all good faith there s sure to be a red hot in the kitchen but was very decidedly of opinion that such a precaution was not necessary and youve quite sure the indians are all gone she asked there isn t one of em within miles he said confidently i ll answer for that then come upstairs with me and we ll let the army out they ll be in such a temper they found the two boys who had tired of kicking and shouting by that time sitting gloomily on the long seats in the dark dear jack said timidly you can come out now has beaten the indians without us groaned i ll never speak to you again i we you don t think we do you she locked us up here all the general s native came out now we won t say any more about it he said it was rather a close with only one man to do it all but there i managed somehow and perhaps it was just as well you weren t there the first rush was no joke i can tell you act the second jack his own head with both hands oh it s too bad he said he was almost in tears they ll all think we deserted you did you kill many of them i didn t see any he replied but i shouldn t be surprised if some of them died when they got home they may come again to morrow night said jack more cheerfully not much fear of that they ve had their lesson they were seized with utter panic which way did they go asked evidently bent on pursuing them oh in all directions but you wouldn t catch them up now they ran too fast for me even then i shall go to bed said the entire army in great depression it is a shame we couldn t be there good night general and poor they marched off to their quarters she looked wistfully after them they ll never forgive me i know they won t she said to don t you mind he said you acted very wisely and after all these raw young troops can never be depended on under fire you know i mean under arrows and drew herself up a little i locked them in because i didn t want them to get hurt she said not because thought they d be afraid uncle did not hear about the result of the engagement until the following day but then to make up for any delay he heard a good deal about it even was not quite prepared for the enthusiasm he showed splendid my boy splendid he kept repeating while he hit him rather hard on the back you re a hero a grateful country ought to give you the bath for it i shall take care this affair is generally known a magnificent f ag and the poor army looked on with hot cheeks and envious eyes but for they might have been heroes too even seemed to have understood that a really brilliant victory had been achieved she brought a magnificent flag of pink glazed act the second on which she had painted in crimson letters indians terror i did think of making the motto seven at one blow she said with a mischievous i like the other best said the general jack and went down to the camp as usual but for some time they were in very low spirits in spite of their commander s well meant efforts to raise them you do better next time he said kindly but we ve told you over and over again how it was they would exclaim yes i know i know its all right tm not complaining i never expected you to be as cool as i was your first time but even this did not seem to console the army to any large extent they their shoulders and kicked pebbles about with great apparent interest the fact was they could not help seeing that they had lost their it was true that their mother and elder sister at least in spite of the flag did not seem to treat the past danger with all the seriousness it deserved it even struck jack and sometimes that they were under the delusion that the whole thing had been only a new development of the game but as the and general said even if that were so it was kinder not to them he certainly was contented to leave them in their error he knew well enough what he had had to go through he did not like even now to think of his despair when he found he would have to face the danger all alone he was always making the army by little of this kind and they had cruel that uncle though he was always quite kind and encouraging did not in his heart believe that their unfortunate absence in the hour of peril was quite an accident on their part how they longed for an opportunity of wiping out their disgrace and how their hearts sank when from the depths of his experience declared it very improbable that the attack would ever again be renewed in the school stories the good boy who refuses to fight when he is kicked and is sent to as a coward always gets a speedy chance to clear his character generally the very boy who kicked him falls into a mill stream or a convenient horse runs away or else a mad but considerate bull comes into the and the good boy is always at	44
hand to or hang on to the bridle and be dragged several yards in the dust act the second or slowly retreat backwards throwing down first his hat and then his coat to amuse and detain the bull but out of stories unfortunately as even jack and dimly perceived things are not always s a mad bull comes into the so satisfactorily they might have to wait for weeks perhaps months or years before uncle fell into the fish and even if he did he could probably swim better than they could then they were neither of them sure that they could successfully stop a horse or a bull without a uttle more practice than they had had as yet however fortune was kind and took pity on them in a most manner for one morning soon after breakfast when was in the music room and and and feeding their jack came up in a highly excited state of mind to the where his officer was seated doing nothing in particular general he said with a very creditable salute do come down to the camp at once oh bother said the warrior who had by the way shown rather a tendency to rest on his of late no but it isn t really protested jack it s something you ll like awfully the general marched down in a very stately manner it would have been to run eager as he was to get down to the thinking it not unlikely that the carpenter really had found time to make a cannon for them after all or at the very least that there would be some change in the internal arrangements of the which it would be his duty as superior officer to if not condemn now it must be explained here that during the last two or three days the outside wall of the fort had been with various bills all in the recent of the enemy by a and containing most insulting reflections on the courage of red indians as a race while in case they might not have enough knowledge of english to understand these act the second they were accompanied by sketches which were certainly enough to the least susceptible savage to do justice they were not due to any on his part but had all been executed by the army in the wild hope that they might thus stir up the foe to a fresh demonstration when they themselves might recover their lost spurs these as found on reaching the had been over with a kind of red and yellow paint so as to be quite said but that s not the best of it for we found this pinned with an arrow to one of the posts and he produced a thin strip of white bark on which were writing and drawings in crimson they must have done it with their own blood commented jack with great but read it do read it did not need a second invitation to read the document which was as follows they must have done it with their own blood and na sa yellow chief of black tribe to the great white chief tin defiance the of yellow wants but one ornament the of the white chief yellow has seen the calling the red warriors women with the hearts of deer he will show the that the anger of the is a big heap lot terrible when the sun has set behind the hills and the stars light their watch fires then will yellow and his be at hand the of the shall adorn the of the red man in order that there should be no possible mistake about the intention the message was by a rude representation of the process of evidently the work of a practised hand didn t i tell you we had something jolly to show you exclaimed jack but joy or some equally powerful emotion rendered the general incapable of speaking for several moments t was some little time before gave any opinion upon this document he turned exceedingly red and examined it suspiciously on both sides it seemed as if he did not altogether welcome this second opportunity for himself when he spoke it was with a sort of angry anxiety you think yourselves very clever i dare say he said but you needn t fancy you ll take and me in come you had better say so at once you did this yourselves it is not half i will say that for it that we cried why just look at it any one could see that it s an indian s doing no it s all right they really are coming it s all i tell you said still more angrily though he was paler again now what should indians come here for well he says why there said jack and they came the other evening s colour rose again that s different he said i mean it s not the same tribe no these are black said jack what were the first ones i didn t ask them said the general shortly how many should you think na what s his name will bring asked as many as came the other evening how many did come the first time do you think i had nothing better to do than count he retorted is there anything else you would like to know well we ll hang out the lantern to night and watch how many come inside its rays said jack with a which displeased his chief i act the third you wouldn t be quite so jolly cheerful over it if you knew what it was like he grumbled why not said you beat the others easily enough by yourself and we shall be three this time oh it s all very fine to talk retorted the general but we shall see what your mother and uncle say	44
about it they they may think we ought not to take any notice of it jack s eyes opened wide at this not take any notice of an attack by black i don t see how we can very well help noticing it it all depends on what mrs says replied the conscientious general tm only a visitor here and it wouldn t be the right thing for me to lead you into danger without leave well you weren t so particular the first time the indians came remarked will you shut up about that first time the commander burst out in it s the second time now that is if it isn t all that s what i mean to find out first you stay here till i come back will you taking the strip of bark with him he went slowly up to the house he had an uneasy feeling that the indian s challenge was genuine enough but he still hoped to have it pronounced and a this may seem strange indeed to some considering th courage of which he had already given proof but i do not wish to make any further mystery particularly as most of my readers will probably have already guessed the secret of this apparent contrast the fact is then that had the best of reasons for being cool and courageous on the previous occasion those indians were entirely imaginary he had written the warning himself and instructed the coachman s boy to throw it over the the attack on the fort and the brilliant victory were an what had he done it for that is rather difficult to perhaps he hardly knew himself he had a vague idea of proving to those girls that enemies did exist and that the protection of an army was not to be despised then when he found himself alone in the camp the temptation to carry his invention further was too much for him and after jack and and and even uncle himself accepted his story without hesitation and treated him as a hero why it would have looked so silly to explain then and so he went through with it lying is lying whatever explanations and act the third excuses may be made respecting it and i am afraid it must be admitted that if he began by a mere harmless device for giving a new turn to the game ended by telling some very unmistakable lies now he found himself in a most delicate position what if an attack by red indians should really be quite possible mr had certainly not seemed to see anything incredible in the former visit and though had not a very high opinion of his abilities he was grown up and was not likely to be on such a point as that at all events he was the best person to consult just then as he expected he found him under the big on his back with his after breakfast pipe no longer alight between his lips mr i say mr began sat up and fixed his glass in one drowsy eye sir i beg your pardon lord i mean you ought to hear what they re saying at the war office i can tell you praise is sweet even when we do not deserve it and felt a thrill of satisfaction at this somewhat vague tribute i wanted to ask you he said should you and say that red indians well common in england you have asked me a straightforward question and i ll give you a straightforward answer was the reply till quite lately i should say they were absolutely unknown in this country i s face brightened he felt quite fond of uncle and began to think him a particularly well informed and entertaining person yes continued uncle thoughtfully i must confess i thought it a little unlikely at first that m past y ould have been annoyed by red indians but of course when remembered the earl s court show i saw at once that it was quite possible felt a cold he had as we already know seen bill s wonderful show which indeed was responsible for much of his recent military enthusiasm but till that moment curiously enough it had not occurred to him to act the third connect the mysterious na sa with the of the wild west whom he had seen about the immense at earl s court do you mean he said with an effort that you thought some of bill s indians had managed to escape well i don t know any other way to account for such a thing do you did not answer this question directly but he objected desperately those were converted indians they went to church and the and all that uncle shrugged his shoulders once an indian always an indian he said they must have their fling now and then i suppose and then the old adam crops up and you see he added it up in that attack on you the other night fortunately for us and indeed for the whole country you were prepared for them otherwise no one can tell what horrors we might not have seen we may we may see them yet said the hero gloomily just look at this mr took the bark from him read it with a thoughtful frown at last he said well i rather expected something of this sort when i saw you up all those insulting and notices indians are so you know you might have said that at the time then exclaimed the general reproachfully lifted his eyebrows my dear chap i thought you knew wasn t that what you were all driving at not me said i was against it from the first i told them it was to insult a fallen foe but they would go	44
and stick up those notices well that ends well eh youve got a rise out of em this time i congratulate you my boy on getting the chance of a second brush with the indians and this time you ll have the army with you a lot of good they are said in a muffled voice come it s not good form for a general to run down his troops but you heroes are always so modest ill be bound now youve determined not to mention this in the house till the danger is passed no i haven t though i shall mention it most likely why not to save them useless anxiety because unless i am wrong you see cause to apprehend i must ask you not to conceal anything from me act the third to apprehend that this will be a more serious affair than the last yes i do replied the general promptly a good deal i feared as much said uncle with a very grave face but in that case isn t it as well not to my sister and those poor girls i don t see that mrs might think we ought to be guarding the inside of the house oh said uncle but i should object to that strongly you see it s very plain that it s the yellow s after he won t think of coming near the house unless you re in it and then what will become of us all you ll take care you don t get mixed up in it i can see said savagely i shall take very good care indeed oh but you must make for me my boy remember i ve not been in military training for days and days as you have if that s all i could get you up in the in half an hour proposed eagerly thanks but i have a better reason still tastes differ so much you like to spend your evenings in beating off wild indians from a now i prefer a plain comfortable and dinner and a quiet cigar i m not sure that your way isn t the of the two but it s not nearly so much in my line why don t you say you re a and have done with it said rudely my dear young friend was the placid answer if providence has endowed you with a of personal courage beyond that of others it is to those who are less fortunate while i am by no means prepared to act the third admit that i am what you so term a i readily allow that but did not stay to hear any more he turned on his heel with an anger that had a of envy in it why why had not he been content with an ordinary reputation instead of one that he must sustain now at all he could deceive himself no longer his foolish vanity which had allowed the army to post those rash had brought down some real red indians upon him and he was horribly afraid as he walked down the path a veil seemed drawn across the brilliant sky the and red hot and in the beds burnt with a sinister glow the smell of the sweet peas and seemed oppressive the bees about the patches had a note of warning in their he felt chilly in the shade and sick in the sun he saw nothing for it but fighting but the idea of facing a of howling savages with only two boys younger than himself was too appalling he must engage grown up ones and with this intention he went to the stable yard where he found the coachman the carriage wheels he began with an attempt to and seem casual and careless going to be attacked by red indians again to night touched a sandy as he raised his red grinning face lor sir be you indeed well you young men du have rare on down in the that you du it s it s real red indians this time b black had deliberately moved to the and had to repeat his information ah indeed sir red well to think o that he said cheerfully as if he was some rather childish remark but we shall want every available man do you think you can spare time to come and help bout what time sir said about nine half past eight say do try can t come as late as that sir that s my supper hour that is if the mistress don t want the carriage to day i i could step down bout five for half an hour or so if that would suit that wouldn t be any use at all we shan t begin till dark then i m afraid i can t be of no to ee sir act the third the poor general turned away evidently the coachman had no intention of his life he remembered joe the boy and he was better than no one joe was rolling the court and grinned on being pressed to join sur he said it t lay in my work fur to fight no i see one at reading i did a about he and a i t goin to naught to do with the likes o he saw only one hope left if he could see mrs and tell her of the danger which threatened him she might refuse permission to fight at all or at the very least she would see that he had proper assistance so into the house he went and the first person he found was who was knitting her pretty forehead over the latin exercise which had been given her as a holiday task i say he said with a trembling voice but she interrupted him oh perhaps you can help me what s the latin for	44
for the first time the smell of cake quite detestable and he hardly knew how he forced himself to sit quietly on his chair general said uncle before you so to speak go to the front and occupy the post of danger will you oblige me by drawing up the troops before the i should like though unable to accompany you myself to say a few words of farewell and j addressed the army soldiers he said a great responsibility rests upon you this day you are expected solemnly and earnestly to strive your utmost to let the red man dance by our red tree to quote with a trifling from s for myself i have no fears of the result under the of your general victory must crown your arms we peaceful shall rest secure in the absolute confidence such protection and and be the first to welcome your triumphant return should your hearts fail you at any moment i have already instructed you how to act to the commander himself i should consider the mere suggestion an impertinence go then devoted spirits where glory leads and endeavour to avoid the of if only for the sake of appearances soldiers i have done may the god of battles i need hardly explain to scholars that i refer to keep his eye on you and were also on tke and used their handkerchiefs freely but principally to conceal their mouths they ll be sorry they laughed by and by thought they ll wish they had cried just a little perhaps sl reflection the pathos of very nearly made him cry himself as he marched down to the feeling distinctly before he entered the fort he tore down the fatal notices what s the good of that asked well the indians have seen em said the general but they ll think we want to back out of it objected jack let them think was the bold retort inside the fort jack and set to work in the act the third highest spirits to the entrance with wheel and an old machine then they lit the lantern and polished their guns sharpened their swords and looked to the springs of their pistols for about the time i say this would jolly well a red indian wouldn t it cried showing a pistol the tiny barrel of which was constructed to discharge with a steel watch spring i tell you what said jack with the air of a i shall reserve my peas till fired away all the and take a deliberate aim each time it was impossible to persuade them that these would not be accepted as deadly by savages who of course would know no better and again had not the first victory been won by these simple means so general held his peace and the western sky slowly changed from to green and from green to deep violet and the evening star lighted its steady golden fire the set up a louder a bat executed complicated figures overhead and the boys unconsciously began to speak in whispers it s getting too dark to see much with this said jack i wish we had a the indians ought to be here by this e and time they said sunset didn t they if i was a red indian i would be punctual when do you suppose they ll come soon how on earth do i know snapped the general from within the tent well you needn t get in a bait over it how did they come on the first time did they along like till they were quite near il s and then give a yell and rush at the i forget what they did don t bother me i suppose they ll all said does hurt there was a slight inside the tent but no answer i wonder if the torture prisoners jack observed i don t think i could stand that the general came to the tent door at this act the third can t you fellows shut up he said fiercely they ll hear you not here yet we shall know when they come by the let s all keep quite quiet for a minute or two there was a breathless interval of silence at last jack said i hear something a sort of low noise like pigs perhaps it is the pigs at the farm suggested indians can imitate all kinds of birds i know reasoned jack not directly to the point perhaps but he was getting excited felt a dull rage against the other two how dared they pretend not to be afraid it was all he knew that very well various unpleasant recollections began to rise in his mind he remembered how that indian spy had stalked the cabin at court he could see him now stealing over the sand then listening with his ear to the ground and turning to on the warriors he even remembered the way the yellow and red striped blinds of the log hut in the wind and how the horse that was outside raised his head from his hay and pricked his ears uneasily as the foe came gliding nearer and nearer then their way of fighting he had and thought it rather comic then they and about like so many lively but the would not be rendered any more agreeable by being accompanied by gestures and there was an almost naked savage whom he recalled dancing the war dance he tried not to think of all this but it came vividly before him s s h cave cried suddenly as he looked through the i can see just the top of one s head and feathers among the bushes ril touch him up in a second he raised his tiny spring pistol and was just when almost beside himself darted on him and	44
struck it out of his hand what are you doing now he said through his teeth what is the good of them why they are irritated said or they wouldn t come if they are retorted raising his voice whose doing was it you can t say i had anything to do with putting up those haven t i always said i respected red men i they ve got feelings like us when you go and insult them of course they get annoyed who wouldn t i should like to know i honour a chief like yellow myself and i act the third don t care if he hears me say so i say i honour him his voice rose almost to a scream as he concluded i say i do believe you re in a said after a moment of wondering silence if you are say so and we shall know what to do added jack feeling in his pocket are you feel his hands suggested look here said dashing aside the obstacles before the door fm not going to stay here to be treated in this way if it hadn t been for your in sticking up the notices we should have been friends with the indians now i don t want to quarrel with any and you have the cheek to ask me if i m in a and to want to feel my hands well it just serves you right i m going well go then who wants you said but softer hearted jack said you mustn t you ll be safe in here but out there but the general had already vanished he was crouching outside in the shadow of the he could not bear being up and any longer he must at least have a run for his life had the enemy heard him declare his innocence if so it did not seem to have softened them they were still crouching silent hidden behind the bushes their to one another for no real ever made so much noise as that he must make a bolt for it and take his chance of their arrows missing him over the open space of grey green grass he and actually succeeded in reaching the friendly shadow of the hedge but that was probably because they felt so certain of cutting him off at their pleasure on and trembling went the general along the narrow paths green with damp and by the shadows which branches cast in the sickly moonlight until just when he was almost clear of the gloom his knees bent under him for there at the end of the walk against the sky stood a towering figure with feather head dress and poised oh please sir he faltered and shut his eyes expecting the indian to bound upon him but when he opened his eyes again the savage was gone he must have slipped act the third behind a ragged old which had once been and trimmed to look like a king on through the which was full of terrors warriors stealthy and cruel behind every rustling laurel far away on the lawn he saw their through the tall grass he heard them and in every direction is they lay in wait for him until at last he gained the broad gravel path at the end of which oh how far away they seemed were the three lighted windows of the drawing room he could see the interior quite plainly and the group round the piano where the shaded lamp made a spot of brilliant colour what were they all doing were they huddled together waiting watching in an agony of suspense nothing of the kind it will be scarcely perhaps but this heartless domestic circle were positively passing the time with music as if nothing were happening if only he could reach that bright before the rush came he felt that there were forms stealing along behind the he dared not run but dragged his heavy feet along the gravel and then all at once from the bushes rose a wild yell he could bear it no longer he would and make one last effort even if they him on the very somehow he never knew how he found himself wild with terror scarcely able to speak in the midst of that quiet musical party the red indians he gasped don t let them get me save me hide me somewhere and he remembered afterwards that he made a mad endeavour to get inside the piano he was instantly surrounded by the astonished family my dear said mrs youve perfectly you ve been yourself with your own game there are no indians here another howl from the seemed to contradict her there didn t you hear that he cried oh you won t believe me till it s too late there are hundreds of them round the they may have jack and by this time and why ain t you being too inquired uncle i m sure you needn t talk he retorted you weren t any more anxious to fight than i am but isn t that different i thought you had fought them before and conquered then you thought wrong those those weren t real indians i made them up then act the third now got it said uncle well master you ve made your little confession and now it s my turn i made yellow up are you sure really sure on your honour he asked eagerly honest said you see i began to think the military business was getting rather the army like s world was too much with us and it occurred to me to see whether the general s courage would stand an outside test so i composed that little challenge yes you see before you the only na sa	44
no others are genuine felt that those girls were laughing at him they had probably been in the secret for some time but he could not care much just then the relief was so delicious it was too bad of you said mrs he was really horribly frightened and there are those other two down in the all alone you might have thought of that they will be half out of their minds by this time my dear was the reply be uneasy i did think of it the moment they begin to feel at all uncomfortable they have directions to open a certain packet which explains the whole thing if the gallant general had not been and in quite such a hurry he would have spared himself this unpleasant experience let s all go down and see how they re getting on said i know this said the general sullenly they were in quite as big a as i was then why didn t they run in and ask to be hidden too inquired why because they didn t dare retorted boldly you know he remarked to as they were going down together through the warm darkness it s not fair of your uncle to play these tricks on fellows perhaps it isn t quite said but then he didn t begin did he shouted uncle as they the and he was answered by a ringing cheer from the fortress come on we aren t afraid of you don t there see what you ll get and a of peas and small shot flew about their ears ran forward hi stop that i spare our lives he cried laughing jack you young rascal put down that confounded can t you see we re not red indians what is it you uncle said in a rather act the third j tone where are the red indians then they had to go up to town to see their but do you mean to say you haven t opened my envelope after all i thought you told us it was only in case we got frightened said jack what does the general say to that cried but was nowhere to be found he had slipped off to his bedroom and the next morning he announced at breakfast that he thought his people would be wanting him at home so the army was for there was a general and on the afternoon after departure the entire family engaged in a grand match when lazy uncle came out unexpectedly strong as an a h i k q er name was and she was a very good little girl indeed so good was she in fact that she could not help being aware of it herself and that is a stage to which very many quite excellent persons never succeed in she was only just a child it is true but she had read a great many beautiful story books and so she knew what a powerful influence a childish and innocent remark or a youthful example or a happy combination of both can exert over grown up people and early in was but eleven at the date of this history o the good little girl early in life she had seen clearly that her mission was to reform her family and relatives generally this was a heavy task for one so young particularly in s case for besides a father mother brother and sister in whom she could not but discern many and serious she possessed an aunt who was to two female cousins whose selfishness and were painful to witness and a male cousin who talked and was so worldly that he habitually went about in yellow boots nevertheless did not although for some reason her earnest and efforts had hitherto failed to produce any deep impression at times she thought this was owing to the fact that she tried to reform all her family together and that her best plan would be to take each one separately and devote her whole energies to improving that person alone but then she never could make up her mind which member of the family to begin with it is small wonder that she often felt a little but even that was a cheering symptom for in the books it is generally just when the little heroine becomes most discouraged that the seemingly relative the first sign of softening so sometimes with merely a shocked glance of which she had the good little girl hi practised before the looking glass until she could do it perfectly sometimes with some tender little hint don t you think dear papa don l you you could write your newspaper article on some day she would say softly on a sunday morning don t you i ink you could write your newspaper article on some day is it a work of necessity or she would ask her mother who was certainly fond of wearing pretty things how much bread for poor starving people the good little girl would the price of your new bonnet buy mother i should so like to work it out on my little slate then she would remind her brother that it would be so much better if instead of wasting his time in playing with silly little tin soldiers he would try to learn as much as he could before he was sent to school while she was never tired of quoting to her sister the line be good sweet maid and let who will be clever which quite interpreted to mean that thought but poorly of her sister s intellectual capacity once when as a great treat the children were allowed to read aloud declined to until she had read up the whole period in her english history and on another occasion she cried bitterly on hearing that her mother had arranged for them to	44
learn dancing and even endured bread and water for an entire day rather than consent to acquire an accomplishment which she feared from what she had read would prove a on the second day well there was roast beef and for dinner and yielded but she made the resolution and kept it too that if she went to the dancing class she would firmly refuse to take the slightest pains to learn a single step l the good little girl i only mention all these traits to show that really was an unusually good child which makes it the more sad and strange that her family should have so little by her example she was neither loved nor respected as she ought to have been i am grieved to say her papa when he was not angry made the fun of her mild her mother continued to spend money on dresses and and even allowed the maid to say that her mistress was not at home when she was merely unwilling to receive visitors and too only grew more exasperated when urged them to keep their and altogether she could not help feeling how wasted and thrown away she was in such a circle but she never quite lost heart her papa was a literary man and wrote tales some of which she feared were not as true as they affected to be while he invariably neglected to a moral in any of them frequently she dropped little remarks before him with apparent carelessness in the hope that he might put them in print but he never did she never could recognise herself as a character in any of his stories and so at last she gave up reading them at all but one morning she came more near to giving up in utter despair than ever before only the the good little girl previous day she had been so hopeful her father had really seemed to be beginning to appreciate his little daughter and had presented her with sixpence in the new to put in her this had her to such a degree that happening on the following morning to hear him confound it she had pressing one hand to her beating heart and laying the other hand softly upon his shoulder which is the proper attitude on these occasions reminded him that such an expression was scarcely less than actual bad language upon which her hard hearted papa had told her almost sharply not to be a little forgave him of course and freely because he was her father and it was her duty to bear with him but she felt the injustice deeply for all that then when she went up into the nursery and made a frantic uproar merely because she insisted on teaching them the moves in when they wanted to play so feeling baffled and sick at heart she had put on her hat and run out all alone to a quiet lane near her home where she could soothe her troubled mind by thinking over the ingratitude and lack of appreciation with which her efforts were met she had not gone very far up the lane when the good little girl she saw seated on a bench a bent old woman in a bonnet with a handled stick in her hands and this old woman who was very quick of observation instantly guessed to be a fairy in which as it fell out she was perfectly right good day my pretty child the old dame good day to you ma am answered politely for she knew that it was not only right but prudent to be civil to particularly when they take the form of old women but if you please you mustn t call me pretty because i am not at least she added for she herself upon her exactly pr and i should hate to be always thinking about my looks like poor she s our you know and i so often have to tell her that she did not make her own face i don t alarm you i see said the old but possibly you are not aware that you re talking to a fairy oh yes i am but tm not a bit afraid because you see can only hurt sad children ah and you re a good little child that s not difficult to see they don t see it at home said the good little girl with a sad little sigh or they would listen more when i tell them of things they t to do and what things do they do that they t to my child if you don t mind telling me oh i mind in the least hastened to assure her and then she told the old woman all her family s faults and the trial it was to bear with them and go on trying to induce them to mend their ways and papa is getting worse than ever she concluded only fancy this very morning he called me a little tut tut said the fairy me so he called you that did he a little and you too ah the world s coming to a pretty pass i suppose now your papa and the rest of them have got it into their heads that you are too young and too inexperienced to set up as their adviser is that it tm afraid so admitted but we mustn t blame them she added gently we must remember that they don t know any better mustn t we ma am you sweet child said the old lady with enthusiasm i must see if i can t do something to help you though i m not the fairy i used to be still there are tricks i can manage still if i m the good little girl put	44
to it what you want is something that will prove to them that they ought to pay more attention to you eh something there can be no possible mistake about yes cried eagerly and and how would it be if you changed them into some thing else just to show them and then i could ask for them to be transformed back again you know what an ingenious little thing you are exclaimed the fairy but let us if you came home and found your cruel papa doing duty as the family or about as a china fowl oh yes and td him every day till he was sorry interrupted the warm hearted little girl ah but you re so hasty my dear who would write all the clever articles and tales to earn bread and meat for you all fowls can t use a pen no we must find a prettier trick than that there was one i seem to remember long long ago performing for a good little ill used girl just like you my just like you now what was it i some gift i gave her whenever she opened her lips why remember how funny that you should have forgotten whenever she opened i the good little girl her lips roses and diamonds and fell out that would be the very thing then they d have to attend to me oh do be a kind old fairy and give me a gift like that do do i now don t be so impetuous you forget that this is not the time of year for roses and as for jewels well i don t think i can be very far wrong in supposing that you open your lips pretty frequently in the course of the day does call me a said but that s wrong because i never speak without having something to say i don t think people ought to it may do so much harm t it undoubtedly but anyhow if we made it every time you opened your lips you would soon ruin me in precious stones that s plain no i think we had better say that the jewels shall only drop when you are saying something you wish to be particularly improving how will that do very nicely indeed ma am thank you said because you see it comes to just the same thing ah well try to be as economical of your good things as you can remember that in these hard times a poor old fairy s riches are not as as they used to be and jewels really will drop out the good little girl gi whenever they are wanted to point a moral and adorn a tale said the old woman who for a fairy was particularly well read there run along home do and scatter your pearls before your relations it need scarcely be said that was only too willing to obey she ran all the way home with a light heart eager to exhibit her wonderful gift how surprised they will be she was thinking if it had been instead of me i suppose she would have come back talking t it would have been a good lesson for her but still are nasty things and it would have been rather unpleasant for the rest of us i think i won t tell where i met the fairy she came in and took her place at the family luncheon which was the children s dinner they were all seated already including her father v ho had got through most of his writing in the course of the morning now make haste and eat your dinner said her mother or it will be quite cold i always let it get a little cold mother replied the good little girl so that i t come to think too much about eating you know as she uttered this remark she felt a jewel producing itself in some mysterious way from the tip the good little girl of her tongue and saw it fall with a clatter into her plate tu pretend not to notice anything she thought exclaimed pausing in the act of i say t if you ask mother tm sure she will tell you that it is most ill to speak with your mouth full said her speech greatly by an immense i like that exclaimed her rude brother who s speaking with their mouth full now their is not grammar dear was s only reply to this as she delicately a pearl you should say her mouth full for s grammar was as good as her principles but really dear said her mother who felt some embarrassment at so novel an experience as being obliged to find fault with her little daughter you should not eat sweets just before dinner and and couldn t you get rid of them in some other manner sweets cried considerably annoyed at being so misunderstood they are not sweets mother look and she offered to submit one for inspection if i may venture to express an opinion observed her father i would rather that a child of mine should sweets than coloured beads the good little girl and in either case i object to having them forced upon my notice at meal times but i tm wrong i generally am papa is quite right dear said her mother it is such a dangerous habit suppose you were to swallow one you know put them in the fire like a good girl and go on with your dinner rose without a word her cheeks and dropped the pearl and with great accuracy into the very centre of the fire this done she returned to her seat and went on with her dinner in silence though her feelings prevented her from eating very much if they choose to	44
think my pearls are only beads or or drops she said to herself bitterly i won t waste any more on them that s all i won t open my lips again except to say quite ordinary things so there if had not been such a very good little girl you might almost have thought she was in a temper but she was not her feelings were wounded that was all which is quite a different thing that afternoon her aunt mrs came to call she was the aunt whom we have already mentioned as being given to she was not well off and had a the good little girl tendency to flatter people but was fond of her notwithstanding and she had never detected her in any towards herself she was sent into the drawing room to entertain her aunt until her mother was ready to come down and her aunt as usual overwhelmed her with affectionate admiration how pretty and well you are looking my pet she began and oh what a beautiful frock you have on the little wore it before i did aunt said modestly how sweet of you to say so but they never looked half so well in it til be why my child youve dropped a stone out of a or something look on the carpet there oh said carelessly it was out of my mouth not out of a i never wear i think makes people grow so conceited don t you aunt yes indeed dearest indeed you are so right said her aunt who wore a as large as a upon her cloak and and surely that can t be a diamond in your lap oh yes it is i met a fairy this morning in the lane and so and here proceeded to her wonderful experience i thought it might perhaps make papa and mamma value me a little more than they do she said wistfully as the good little girl she finished her story but they don t take the least notice they made me put the jewels on the fire they did really what blindness cried her aunt how can people shut their eyes to such a treasure and and may i just have one look what you really don t want them i may keep them for my very own you precious love ah i know a humble home where you would be appreciated at your proper worth what would i not give for my poor naughty and to have the advantage of seeing more of such a cousin i don t know whether i could do them much good said but i would try my best i am sure you would said aunt and now dearest sweet i am going to ask your dear mamma to spare you to us for just a little while we must both beg very hard ru go and tell nurse to pack my things now and then i can go away with you said the little girl when her mother heard of the invitation she consented quite willingly to tell you the truth she said i shall be very glad for the child to have a change she seems a little unhappy at home with us and she behaved most unlike her usual self at lunch it be natural for a child of her age to large glass beads the good little girl did your and ever do such a thing never said aunt it is a habit that certainly ought to be checked and i promise you my dear that if you will only trust to me i will take away anything of that kind the very moment i find it and i do think poor as we are we shall manage to make her feel at home we are all so fond of your sweet so the end of it was that went to stay with her aunt that very afternoon and her family bore the parting with the greatest composure i can t give you nice food or a pretty bedroom to sleep in such as you have at home said her kind aunt we are very plain people my pet but at least we can promise you a warm welcome oh protested you mustn t think i mind a little hardship why if beds weren t hard and food not nicely cooked now and then we should soon grow too luxurious to o our duty and that would be so very bad for us oh what beauties cried her aunt involuntarily as she stooped to recover several sparkling gems from the floor of the cab i mean it s better to pick them up dear don t you think the good little girl they might get in people s way you know what a blessing you will be in our simple home i want you to do all you can to instruct your cousins don t be afraid of telling them of any faults you may happen to see poor and i fear they are very far from being all they should be and aunt heaved a sigh never mind they will be better in time i am sure wasn t always a good girl thoroughly enjoyed the first few days of her visit even her aunt was only too grateful for instruction and begged that would tell her quite candidly of any she might notice and very kindly and always did tell her and were less and she saw that it would take her some time to win their esteem and affection but this was just what liked it was the usual experience of the in the books and much more interesting too than conquering her cousins hearts at once still both and persistently hardened their hearts against their gentle little cousin in the way they would scarcely speak to her and chose to make	44
a grievance out of the fact that one or other of them was obliged by their mother s strict orders to be constantly in attendance upon her in order to pick up and the good little girl bring mrs all the jewels that scattered in profusion wherever she went if you would only carry a plate about with you complained one day you could catch the jewels in up jewels hai in but i don t want to catch the jewels dear said with a playful but very sweet smile if other people prize such things that is not my fault is it jewels do not make people any happier should think not exclaimed i m sure my back perfectly with stooping and so does s there that big has just gone and rolled under the and mother the good little girl will be so angry if i don t get it out is too bad of you believe you do it on purpose ah you will know me better some day dear was the gentle response well at all events i think you might be naughty just now and then and give and me a half holiday i would do anything else to please you dear but not that you must not ask me to do what is impossible alas not even this behaviour not even the loving the tender the shocked reproaches that fell accompanied by perfect of jewels from the lips of our pattern little succeeded in removing the utterly prejudices of her cousins though it was some consolation to feel that she was gradually acquiring a most influence over her aunt who called her little conscience for you see s conscience had so little to do on her own account that it was always at the service of other people and indeed quite enjoyed being useful as was only natural to a conscientious conscience which felt that it could never have been created to be idle very soon another responsibility was added to little s burdens her cousin dick the loo the good little girl worldly one with the yellow boots came home after his annual holiday which as he was the junior clerk in a large bank he was obliged to take rather late in the year she had looked forward to his return with some excitement dick she knew was frivolous and reckless in his habits he went to the theatre occasionally and frequently spent an evening in playing and smoking cigars at a friend s house there would be real credit in poor cousin dick he was not long of course in hearing of s marvellous and upon the first occasion they were alone together treated her with a respect and admiration which he had very certainly never shown her before you re wonderful he said td no idea you had it in you nor had i dick but it shows that even a little girl can do something i should rather think so and the way you look as grave as a judge all the time i wish you d tell me how you manage it i wouldn t tell a soul but i don t know dick i only talk and the jewels come that is all you artful little girl you can keep a secret i see but so can i and you might tell me how the good little girl loi you do the trick what put you up to the i m to be trusted i assure you dick you can t you t think there is any about it how can you believe i i only and ihe jewels is all could be such a wicked little girl as to play tricks it was an old fairy that gave me the gift i m sure i don t know why unless she thought that i was a good child and deserved to be encouraged by jove cried dick i never knew you were half such fun i the good little girl i am not fun dick i think fun is generally so very vulgar and oh i wish you wouldn t say by jove surely you know he was a heathen god i seem to have heard of him in some such capacity said dick i say what a big ah dick dick you are like the others tm afraid you think more of the jewels than any words i may say and yet jewels are common they seem to be with you pearls too and such fine ones here take them they re your property put her hands behind her no indeed dick they are of no use to me keep them please they may help to remind you ot what i have said it s awfully kind of you said dick looking really touched then since you put it in that way thanks i will i ll have them made into a horse shoe pin you mustn t let it make you too fond of dress then said but i m afraid you re that already dick a diamond he cried go on i m listening pitch into me it will do me a lot of good the good little girl but thought it wisest to say no more just then that night after and and had gone to bed dick and his mother sat up talking until a late hour is dear little cousin to be a in this establishment began her cousin stifling a for there had been a rather copious flow of precious stones during the evening well i shall keep her with us as long as i can said mrs such a darling and they don t seem to want her at home tm sure limited as my means are tm most happy ta have such a visitor she seems to pay her way only her way is a trifle trying	44
her way led through the identical lane in which she had met the fairy wonderful to relate there on the very same stone and in precisely the same attitude sat the old lady peering ir walked post with her head in ihe a the good little girl out from under her and resting her old hands on her handled stick walked past with her head in the air pretending not to notice her for she considered that the fairy had played her a most malicious and ill natured trick said the old lady it is only who can permit themselves such old fashioned expressions nowadays why here s my good little girl again isn t she going to speak to me no she s not said but she found herself compelled to stop notwithstanding why what s all this about you re not going to with me my dear are you i think you re a very cruel bad unkind old woman for deceiving me like this goodness me why didn t the jewels come after all yes they came only they were all horrid artificial ones and it is a shame it is f cried poor from her bursting heart artificial were they that really is very odd can you account for that at all now i of course i can t you told me that they would drop out whenever i said anything to improve people and i was always saying something ii the good little girl improving had a in her room quite full of them ah youve been very industrious evidently it s unfortunate your jewels should all have been artificial most unfortunate i don t know how to explain it unless and here the old lady looked up from under her white unless your goodness was artificial too how do you mean asked feeling strangely uncomfortable i m sure i ve never done anything the least bit how can my goodness possibly be artificial ah that i can t explain but i think i only say i mind that a little girl so young as you must have some faults hidden about her somewhere and that perhaps on the whole she would be better employed in trying to find them out and cure them before she attempted to correct those of other people and tm sure it can t be good for any child to be always seeing herself in a little picture just as she likes to fancy other people see her but of course my dear you never made such a mistake as that turned very red and began to scrape one of her feet against the other she was thinking and her thoughts were not at all pleasant ones oh fairy she said at last i m afraid that s the good little girl just what i did do i was always thinking how good i was and putting everybody papa mamma aunt and even poor cousin dick right i have been a horrid little hateful and that s why all the jewels were rubbish but oh shall i have to go on talking sham diamonds and things all the rest of my life that said the fairy depends entirely on yourself you have the remedy in your own hands or lips ah you mean i needn t talk at all but i must sometimes i couldn t bear to be dumb as long as i lived and it would look so odd too i never said you were not to open your lips at all but can t you try to talk simply and naturally not like little girls or boys in any story books whatever not to show off or improve people only as a girl would talk who remembers that after all her elders are quite as likely as she is to know what they ought or ought not to do and say i shall forget sometimes i know i shall said if you do there will be something to remind you you know and by and by perhaps as you grow up you may quite by accident say the good little girl thing sincere and noble and true and a jewel will fall which will really be of value no cried no please oh fairy let me off that if i must drop them let them be false ones to punish me not real i don t want to be rewarded any more for being good if i ever am really good come said the fairy with a much pleasanter smile you are not a hopeless case at all events it shall be as you wish then and perhaps it will be the wisest arrangement for all parties now run away home and see how little use you can make of your fairy gift found her family still at breakfast why observed her father raising his eyebrows as she entered the door here s our little or is it eh back again children we shall all have to mind our p s and q s and indeed our entire now tm sure said her mother kissing her fondly knows we re all delighted to have her home i m not said with all a boy s engaging nor am i added it s been ever so much at home while she s been away burst into tears as she hid her face the good little girl upon her mother s protecting shoulder it s true she sobbed i don t deserve that you should be glad to see ive been hateful and horrid i but oh if you only forgive me and love me and put up with me a little til try not to preach and be a any more i will truly and at this her father called her to his side and embraced her with a	44
he had not for a very long time i should not like to go so far as to assert that no imitation diamond pearl or ever proceeded from s lips again habits are not cured in a day and however old they may be are still so it did occasionally happen that a mock jewel made an unwelcome appearance after one of s more but she was always ashamed and abashed by such an accident and buried the imitation stones immediately in a corner of the garden and as time went on the jewels grew smaller and smaller and frequently dissolved upon her tongue leaving a faintly bitter taste until at last they ceased altogether and became as pleasant and unaffected a girl as she who may now be finishing this history i the good little girl aunt never sent back the contents of that she kept the biggest and had a made of them while as she ne er mentioned that they were false no one out of the family ever so much as suspected it but for all that she always declared that her niece had bitterly disappointed her expectations which was perhaps the truest thing that aunt ever said f course he may have been really a fairy prince and i should be sorry to contradict any one who chose to say so for he was only about three inches high he had rose pink cheeks and bright yellow curling locks he wore a and which fitted perfectly and a little cap and feather all of delicately contrasted shades of blue and this does seem an exact description of a fairy prince the story of a sugar prince but then he was painted very cleverly but only painted on a of prepared sugar and his back was a plain white blank while the regular all have more than one side to them and i am obliged to say that i never before happened to come across a real fairy prince who was nothing but paint and sugar for all that he may as i said before have a fairy prince and whether he was or not does not matter in the least for he at any rate quite believed he was one as yet there had been very little romance or enchantment in his life which as far as he could remember had all been spent in a long shop full of sweet and subtle where the walls were lined with looking glass and fitted with shelves on which stood rows of glass containing and of every colour shape and in the world a shop where in summer a strange machine for making drinks and all the day long and in winter the large plate glass windows were filled with boxes made of painted silk from paris so expensive and useless that rich people bought them eagerly to give to one another the prince generally lay on one of the between two beds of sugar roses and in a glass case on either side of which stood a figure of highly coloured plaster f the story of a sugar prince one was a major of some unknown regiment he had an immense head with eyes and a very red complexion and this head would so that he could be filled with which though it hurt him fearfully every time this was done he was proud of because it always astonished people the other figure was an old brown woman in a red cloak and a striped with a head which although it wouldn t take off was always nodding and grinning mysteriously from morning to night it was to her that the for we shall have to call him the prince as i don t know his other name if he ever had one owed all his notions of and his high birth you let the old alone for knowing a prince when she sees one she would say nodding at him with encouragement kept you out of your rights all this time but wait awhile and see if one of these clumsy giants that are always bustling in and out doesn t help you you ll be restored to your kingdom never fear but the major used to get angry at her it s all nonsense he used to say the boy s no more a prince than i am and he ll never be noticed by anybody unless he to his head and hold like a soldier and a gentleman the story of a sugar prince however the prince believed the and every morning as the shutters were taken down and grey mist brilliant sunshine or brown fog stole into the close shop he wondered whether the day had come which would see his restoration to his kingdom and at last the day really came some one who had been buying sugar and roses noticed the prince in the middle of them and bought him too to his immense delight what did the old tell you eh said the old woman her head wisely you see it has all come true even the major was convinced now for before the prince had been packed up he whispered to him that if at any time he wanted a commander in chief why he knew where to send for him yes i will remember said the prince and you he added to the you shall be my prime minister for he was so ignorant of politics that he actually thought an old woman could be prime minister and then before he could finish saying and hearing their congratulations he was covered with several of white paper and plunged into complete darkness which he did not mind at all he was so happy after that he remembered no more until he was the story of a sugar prince and placed upright on the top of a	44
dazzling white dome which stood in the very centre of a long plain where a host of the strangest forms were scattered about in bewildering confusion on each side of him tall twisted trunks of sparkling glass and silver sprang high into the air and from their tops the cool green branches swayed gently down while round their velvet flowers in a bed of soft moss farther away an exquisite temple made ot a sort of delicate gold coloured crystal rose out of the crowd of gorgeous things that surrounded it and this crowd as the prince s eyes became accustomed to the splendour gradually separated itself into various forms of loveliness he saw curiously masses of transparent within which and gems glowed dimly of rose flushed snow and blocks of marble and in the space between these were huge of silver and on which were piled heaps of treasures that he knew must be though he could not guess what they were all used for but amidst all these were certain grim shapes some seemed to be the of fearful beasts whose heads had all been struck off but who had the story of a sugar prince evidently shown such courage in death that they had earned the respect of the brave hunters who had them for had been pinned on their rough breasts and their limbs were bound together by bright ribbons then there was one monstrous head of some ven larger brute which could not have been quite killed even then for its eyes were still glaring with fury the prince could easily have stood upright between its grinning jaws if he had wanted to do so but he had no intention of doing any such thing for though he was quite as brave as most fairy princes he was not and there were big enchanted castles with no doors nor windows in them and inhabited by restless monsters most likely who had thrust their black claws through the roofs perhaps he was a little frightened by some of the shapes at first but he soon grew used to them and had no room for any other feelings than pride and joy for this was at last stranger and more beautiful than anything he could have dreamed of he had come into his kingdom he was going to live in that palace those would come out of their the story of a sugar prince presently and do homage to him these formidable dead creatures had been slain to do him honour and he was the owner of all these treasures of gold and silk and gems he must not forget he thought that he owed it all to the good natured giants who had brought him here so when they came in as of course they would to pay their respects he would thank them graciously and reward them liberally out of his new wealth there was a silver stiff and under a palm tree hard by which must have guessed from the prince s proud gay smile that he was deceiving himself and had no idea of his real position but the did not make any attempt to warn him either because it had seen so many things all round it consumed in its day that the selfish fear that it too would be cut up and handed round some evening kept it and silent or else because being only and hollow inside it had no feelings of any kind by and by the doors opened and delicious bursts of music floated into the room mingled with scraps of conversation and of fresh laughter servants came noiselessly in and increased the glare of a kind of sun that hung the story of a sugar prince above the plain and a host of smaller lights suddenly started up and shone softly through shades of silk and paper the music stopped the laughter and voices grew louder and came nearer there was the sound of approaching feet and then a whole army of mortals surrounded the prince s kingdom they were a far smaller and finer race than the giants he had seen hitherto with pretty fresh and wearing some of them soft dresses that he thought only ever wore after a little confusion they ranged themselves in one long line completely round the plain the taller beings glided softly about behind and the prince prepared himself to receive their congratulations with proper dignity and modesty but these giants certainly had very odd ways of showing their loyalty for they saluted him with a and so that they would have drowned the noise of a million fairy while every now and then came a loud report after which a golden sparkling fell and from somewhere above into the crystal prepared for it it was all very gratifying no doubt and yet though they all pretended to be him the story of a sugar prince no one seemed to pay him more particular attention he thought perhaps they might be abashed in his presence and that he must manage to them but while he was thinking how he could best do this he began to bs aware that along the whole of that glittering plain things were being done without his permission which were scandalous and insulting he saw the cut into pieces with flashing blades or torn limb from limb deliberately all the were attacked and overpowered and hauled out from their even the fierce head was behind the ears he tried to speak and ask them what they meant by such audacity but he could not make them hear as he could the major and the old so he was obliged to look on while one by one the to his glory were changed to heaps of ruin and unless he was mistaken the greater part o them were actually disappearing from sight altogether it seemed impossible	44
for where could they all go to and yet nothing now remained of the huge but a meagre of bone hanging together by of skin the strong castles were walls with the story of a sugar prince gaping in them and could it be that the more attractive objects were beginning to melt away in the same mysterious manner was it enchantment or how how on earth did they manage to do it he was no happier when he found out for though of course to us eating is quite an ordinary affair only think what a shock the first sight of it must have been to a delicate fairy prince whose mouth was simply a cherry coloured curve and not made to open on any terms he saw all the treasures he had looked upon as his very own being lifted to a long line of mouths of all sizes and shapes the mouths opened to various and the treasures vanished he could not tell how or where the mellow and quivered for a while and was gone even the solid marble was in pieces and absorbed nothing however beautiful or fantastic escaped instant between those terrible bars of scarlet and flashing ivory could this be this plain where all things beautiful were doomed or had they brought him back to his kingdom only to make this cruel fun of him and destroy his riches one by one before his eyes but before he could find any answers to these the story of a sugar prince sad questions he chanced to look straight in front of him and there he saw a face which made his little sugar heart almost melt within him with a curious feeling half pleasure half pain that was quite new to him it was a girl s face of course and the prince had not looked at her very long before he forgot all about his kingdom he was relieved to see that she at least was too generous to join in the work of destruction that was going on all around why prince her indeed she seemed to dislike it as much as he did himself for only a little of the tinted snow passed her soft lips now and then she laughed a little silvery laugh and shook out her rippling gold brown hair at something the being next to her said a great boy mortal with a red face bold eyes and grasping brown hands which were fatal to everything within their range how the prince did hate that boy he found to his joy that he could what they the story of a sugar prince said and began to listen to their conversation i say the boy whose name it seemed was was saying as he received a of floating fragments of the palace you aren t eating anything don t you care about do tm not hungry she said evidently feeling this a distinction ive been out so much this how jolly he observed i only wish had but i say he added won t they make you take a grey powder soon they would me i m never made to take anything at all nasty she and the prince was indignant that any one should have dared to think otherwise i suppose continued the boy you didn t manage to get any of that cake the made n uncle john s hat did you no indeed she said and made a little face i don t think i should like cake that came out of anybody s hat it was very decent cake he said i got a lot of it i was afraid it might spoil my appetite for but it hasn t what a very greedy boy you are she remarked i suppose you could eat the story of a sugar prince at home i think i could pretty nearly he the cake the made m uncle john s said with a proud confidence but not at old the story of a sugar prince s i can t s is where i go to school you know i can t stand the on all the week they save up the bones and rags and things and when it comes up i don t want to hear she interrupted you talk about nothing but horrid things to eat and it isn t a bit interesting allowed himself a brief interval for refreshment by conversation after which he began again if they have dancing after supper dance with me are you sure you know how to dance i she inquired rather oh i can get through all right he replied i ve learnt it s not harder than i can dance the and the dance anyway any one can dance those i don t call that dancing she said well but try me once say you will said he i don t believe they will have dancing she said there are so many very young children here and they get in the way so but i hope there won t be any more games games are stupid only to girls said girls never care about any fun the story of a sugar prince not kind of fun she said a little vaguely don t mind hide and seek in a nice i don i ghosts c old house with long and comers and secret and ghosts that s jolly i the story of a sugar prince but i don t care much about running round and round a row of chairs trying to sit down when the music stops and keep other people out i call it rude you didn t seem to think it so rude just now he retorted you were laughing quite as much as any one and i saw you push young off the last chair of all and sit on it yourself anyhow	44
you didn t she cried flushing angrily i did though but i tell you i and say you did if you will go on saying i did when i m quite sure i never did anything of the sort she said please don t speak to me again i shan t answer if you do and i think you re a particularly ill bred boy not polite like my brothers your brothers are every bit as rude as i am if they aren t they re i should be sorry to be a my brothers are not they could fight you she cried with a little defiant ring in her voice that the prince thought perfectly charming as if a girl knew anything about fighting said why i could fight your brothers all stuck in a row the story of a sugar prince that you couldn t from and i could then so now from until at last refused to answer any more of s as they grew decidedly offensive and finding that she took refuge in silence he consumed after with gloomy determination and then all at once having nothing to do chanced to look across to the white dome on which the prince was standing and she opened her beautiful grey eyes with a pleased surprise as she saw him all this time the prince had been falling deeper and deeper in love with her at first he had felt almost certain that she was a princess and his destined bride he was rather small for her certainly though he did not know how very much smaller he was but he had always been told was full of resources he could easily be filled out to her size or better still she might be brought down to his but he had begun to give up these wild fancies already and even to fear that she would go away without having once noticed him and now she was looking at him as if she found him pleasant to look at as if she would like to know him at last evidently after some struggle she turned to the offending and spoke his name softly but could not give up the the story of a sugar prince luxury of with her all at once and so he looked another way is it she asked she had not had brothers for nothing no it isn t said oh you want to i i thought only girls she said but it doesn t matter i only wanted to tell you something his curiosity was too much for his dignity well what i he asked enough only she said that ive been thinking over things and i dare say you could fight my brothers only not all and i m not sure that wouldn t beat you i could settle him in five minutes muttered only half appeased oh not in five cried ten perhaps but you d never want to would you when he s my brother and now she added we re friends again aren t we he was a in his way i see he said you want something out of me you should have thought of that before you quarrelled you know contracted her eyebrows and bit her lip for a moment then she said meekly i know i should but i thought perhaps you wouldn t mind doing this for me i i the story of a sugar prince can ask the boy on my other side he s a boy and i care about knowing him still i you won t do it oh well don t mind he said softened at once what is it you want she whispered be quite a nice boy if you ll only get me that dear little sugar prince off the cake there you can reach him better than i can and i don t quite like to only be quick or some one else will get him first and in another second the prince found himself lying on her plate isn t he lovely she cried not bad said give us a bit got him for you you know give you a bit she cried with the keenest horror and disgust you don t really think i wanted him to to eat oh the paint doesn t matter he said i ve eaten lots of them you really are too horrid she said all you think about is eating things i can t bear greedy boys i won t have anything to do with you any more after this we ll be perfect strangers he stared helplessly at her he had made friends and done all she asked of him and just because he begged for a share in the spoil she the story of a sugar prince had treated him like this it was too bad of her it served him right for about a girl he would have told her what he thought about it only just then there was a general rising the prince was tenderly carried upstairs with many to a trim maid and laid to rest wrapped in a soft lace handkerchief upon a dressing table to dream of the new life in store for him to the accompaniment of faintly heard music and laughter from below he had given up all his old ideas of recovering his kingdom and marrying a princess very likely he might not be a fairy prince after all and he felt now that he did not very much care if he wasn t he was going to be s for and that was worth all to him how her anger had been when suspected her of wanting the prince for her own eating the prince had already found out that eating meant the way in which these mortals made everything beautiful pass away between	44
their sharp teeth she had pitied and protected him might she not some day come to love him if he had only known what a little sugar fool he was making of himself i think he would certainly have dissolved into for very shame the story of a sugar prince came up to fetch him at last they had fastened something white and round her head and shoulders and her face was flushed and her eyes seemed a darker grey as she took him out of the handkerchief with a cry of delight at finding him quite safe and hurried downstairs with him while she was waiting in the hall for her carriage the prince heard the last of he came up to her and whispered well youve kept your word youve not looked at me since supper all because i thought you meant to eat that sugar thing off the cake now i just tell you this you needn t pretend you don t like sweets i wouldn t give much for that figure s lasting a week now she only glanced at him with calm disdain and passed on under the to her carriage where her brothers were waiting for her and was left with a recollection that would make his first fortnight under old s roof even than usual to him what a dreamy drive home that was for the prince as he lay on s palm she said nothing to her brothers who were curled up grey indistinct forms opposite she sat quietly at the side of the servant who had come the story of a sugar prince to fetch them and now and then in the faint light the prince could see her smiling with sleepy eyes at some pleasant recollection if that drive could only have gone on for ever but it came to an end soon very soon a little later his tired little placed him where she could see him when first she awoke the next day and all that night the prince stood on guard upon the high in the night nursery thinking of the kiss half childish and half playful she had given him just before she left him at his post the next morning woke up tired and if it must be confessed a little cross but the prince thought she looked than even on the night before in her plain dark dress and fresh white and she took him down with her to breakfast and stationed him near her plate and then he made a discovery she too could make the solid things around her vanish in the very way of which he thought she so strongly it was done as she seemed to do everything very and prettily but still the things did disappear somehow and it was a shock the story of a sugar prince she called the attention of her who was a pale lady with a very prominent forehead and round spectacles to the prince s good looks and the admitted that he was pretty but not to eat him as these invariably contained matter and were therefore oh said defending her favourite with great animation but not this one miss because i heard mrs tell somebody last night that she was always so careful to get only sweets painted with pure vegetable colours she called it but that wouldn t matter for of course i shall never want to eat this little man oh of course not said the with a smile that struck the prince as being unpleasant though he did not know exactly why and he was glad to forget it in watching the play of s restless fingers on the table cloth by and by the nurse came in carrying something which he had never seen anything at all like before and which frightened him very much it was called as he soon found a baby and it round it with eyes and fearfully somewhere deep down in its throat it stretched out feeble little wrinkled hands exactly like yellow k the story of a sugar prince there there then said the nurse which seems to be the right thing to say to a baby see miss he s asking for that to play with now that happened to be the sugar prince seemed completely in the power of this monster for she dared not refuse it anything she crossed almost timidly to it now and laid the prince in one of its only that nurse would not allow it to put him in its mouth but the baby did not try to do this its vacant countenance only into an grin as it began to take a great deal of notice of him and its way of taking notice was to shake the prince violently up and down till he was quite giddy after doing this several times it him quite suddenly down head foremost into the nearest cup of tea the poor prince felt as if he were all softening and crumbling away into nothing but it was only some of the paint coming off and before he could be a second time with a cry of dismay rescued him from the indignant baby which howled in a dreadful manner she dried him on her handkerchief and then as she saw the result suddenly began to weep herself oh see what the story of a sugar prince baby s done she gasped between her sobs all his lovely complexion ruined spoilt i wish would just spoil baby s face for him and see how he likes it if he isn t at once i ll never love him again but nobody the baby it was soothed the story of a sugar prince and besides all the hand could bestow would not bring back the prince s lost beauty his face was all the colours of the rainbow now	44
tiny bit hard on him aren t you hard on don cried catching him up and holding him out at arms length don i m not hard on you am y i i love you only i see your faults and you know it you re full of here she kissed him between the eyes and set him down aunt you d never have found out his trick about the milk if it hadn t been for me would you now perhaps not my love agreed miss mildly the trick in question was a certain ingenious device of don s for obtaining a double allowance of afternoon tea a refreshment for which he had don the story of a greedy dog acquired a strong taste the tea had once been too hot and burnt his tongue and as he howled with the pain milk had been added ever since that occasion he had been in the habit of all up but a or two of the tea in his and then uttering a pathetic little whereupon innocent miss would as regularly fill up the with milk again don the story of a greedy dog but unfortunately for don his mistress had invited her niece to spend part of her summer holidays at her pretty cottage in the lake district and eyes had detected this little about the milk on the very first evening was fourteen and i fancy i have noticed that when a girl is about this age she not has a tendency to be rather a severe when others than herself are at all events had very decided notions on the proper method of bringing up dogs and children too only there did not happen to be any children at cottage to try experiments upon and she was quite sure that aunt allowed herself to be imposed upon by don there was perhaps some excuse for miss for don was a particularly charming specimen of the with a silken coat of silver blue set off by a head and of the gold his manners were most and his great eyes glowed at times under his long hair as if a wistful loving little soul were trying to speak through them but though it seems an unkind thing to say it must be confessed that this same soul in don s eyes was never quite so apparent as when he was don the story of a greedy dog begging for some peculiarly morsel he was really fond of his mistress but at meal times i am afraid he put it on a little bit of course this was not quite straightforward but then i am not holding him up as a model animal how far he understood the conversation that has been given above is more than i can pretend to say but from that afternoon he began to be aware of a very unsatisfactory alteration in his treatment don had sometimes felt a little out of temper with his mistress for being slow to understand exactly what he did want and he had almost sharply to intimate to the best of his powers not bread and butter so you may conceive his disgust when she did not even give him bread and butter nothing but judicious advice without jam she was most it is true and explained amply why she could not indulge him as heretofore but don wanted sugar not sermons sometimes she nearly gave way and then cruel would the dainty under his very nose which he thought most he had a sort of notion that it was all through that they were just as and selfish in the kitchen and that his meals were now so few and plain it was very ungrateful don the story of a greedy dog of her for he had gone out of his way to be polite and attentive to her when he thought of her behaviour to him he felt strongly inclined to but somehow he did not actually go so far as that he liked she was pretty for one thing and don always preferred pretty people and then she him in a very superior and soothing manner besides this he respected her she had been with the duty of him on more than one occasion and her really hurt while it was hopeless to try to soften her heart by trying to the hands a which was always effective with poor miss so he contented himself with letting her see that though he did not understand her conduct towards him he was willing to overlook it for the present what a wonderful improvement in the dear dog miss remarked one morning at breakfast after don had been on short for a week or two really i begin to think you were quite right about him oh tm sure i was said who always had great confidence in her own judgment yes continued her aunt and now he s so much better just this one small bit don s eyes already had a green glitter in them and his mouth was watering i o don the story of a greedy dog no aunt said i wouldn t really he s better without anything i wish that girl was gone reflected poor don as he went back to his basket it s to make a dog steal upon my tail it is i i m positively starved no bones no chicken only dry dog and milk twice a day i wish i could about in and places as does but i don t think the things you find in are ever really nice does but he s just that low sort of dog who would was a humble friend of his down in the village a sort of distant relation to the he was a rough long backed creature as grey as a and with	44
a big solemn head like a hammer don was civil to him in a way but he did not tell him of the he was subject to perhaps because he had been rather given to boast of his influence over his mistress and the high consideration he enjoyed at cottage now used to go up for solitary on the sometimes when she generally took don as a protector he was becoming very nearly as active as ever and now there was a stronger motive than before for pursuing the for he had a notion that they would be the story of a greedy dog rather good eating but one morning she missed him on her way back through the village by the lake she was sure he was with her on the pier and she had only stopped to ask some question at the ticket office about the times and when she turned round don was gone however her aunt was neither angry nor alarmed miss was not able to walk as much as don wished she said so he was accustomed to take a great deal of solitary exercise he was such a remarkably intelligent dog that he could be trusted to take care of himself oh he would come back and towards dusk that evening don did come back there was a curious air about him subdued almost sad remembered long afterwards how unusually affectionate he had been and how quietly he had lain on her lap till the next morning when her aunt and she prepared to go for a walk along the lake don s excitement was more marked than usual he leaped up and tried to caress their hands he assured them in a thousand ways of the delight he felt at being allowed to make one of the party after this it was a painful surprise to find that he gave them the slip the moment they reached don the story of a greedy dog tlie village but miss said he always did prefer mountain scenery and no doubt it was tiresome for him to have to about as they did and master don began to give them less and less of his society in the and to wander from to eve in solitude and independence though whether he went up mountains to admire the view or visited ruins and or spent his days hunting no one at cottage could even pretend to guess one good thing aunt said complacently one evening a little later i ve quite cured don of being troublesome at meals he couldn t be troublesome if he tried dear said miss with mild reproof but i must say you have succeeded quite wonderfully how did you do it why said i spoke to him as if he could understand every word and i made him thoroughly see that he was only wasting his time by sitting up and begging for things and you got to believe it at last didn t you dear she added to don who was lying stretched out on the rug don pricked the ear that was uppermost and then uttered a heavy sigh which smote his mistress to the heart don the story of a greedy dog she said it s no use i must give him something poor pet he deserves it for being so good and patient all this time one even well a very plain one then let me give it to him the was procured and with an express intimation that this was a very particular indulgence it to the deserving he half raised his head at it and then fell back again with another weary little sigh felt rather crushed tm afraid he s cross with me she said you try aunt aunt tried but with no better success though don his tail feebly to express that he was not by any personal feeling in the matter he had no appetite that was all said miss with something more like anger than she generally showed i was very wrong to listen to you about the diet it s perfectly plain to me that by checking don s appetite as we have we have done him serious harm you can see for yourself that he is past eating anything at all now cook told me to day that he had scarcely touched his meals lately and yet he s than ever he i don the story of a greedy dog was forced to allow that this was so but what can it be she said it s disease said her aunt very solemnly ive read over and over again that has nothing whatever to do with the amount of food one eats and oh i don t want to blame you dear but tm afraid we have been him of the things he really needed to enable him to struggle against the complaint poor was overcome by remorse as she knelt over the don oh darling don she said i didn t mean it you know i didn t don t you you must get well and forgive me i tell you what aunt she said as she rose to her feet you know you said i might drive you over in the pony cart to that party at the to morrow well young mr is rather a sort of man and nice too suppose we take don with us and ask him to tell us plainly whether he has anything dreadful the matter with him miss consented though she did not pretend to hope much from mr s skill i m afraid she said with a sigh that only a very clever surgeon would find out what really is the matter with don but you can try my dear don the story of a greedy dog the following afternoon miss herself and don to s driving not without some	44

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