Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..	A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome. Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway. The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall. "Quick! Hide!" The brunette says, and the three women each crawl into a bag. A police man comes down the alleyway, looking around for any signs of the women. The potato sacks stick out to him-so he gives the one with the redhead a kick. "Meow!" goes the redhead, doing her best imitation of a cat. "Just an alley cat..." The police officer mumbles, moving onto the next bag and delivering a quick nudge with his foot. "Woof!" Goes the brunette, imitating a dog. "Just a stray..." The officer mumbles again, heading to the last bag, and giving it a light kick. "POOOOE-TAYYY-TOOOEE" grunts the blonde. _____ Edited to meet popular demand. For those who don't get the joke, the redhead and brunette both mimic things that might be in an alleyway-a cat and a stray dog. The blonde however wonders "What would be in a potato sack? Potatoes!" and thus tries to blend in by announcing herself as a potato. Edit Edit: I'm blond. I can make these jokes.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I needed a password eight characters long...	... so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Jewish boy asks his dad for 50 dollars...	His dad says, "40 dollars?! What do you need 30 dollars for?!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I accidentally ran over and killed my neighbor's cat today...	I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying "curiosity was here."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?	They add halalapeño.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Use chemicals to remove polish and no one cares..	But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Wells Fargo is taken to court by the US government...	...for secretly opening accounts for their customers. Right before the case the governement prosecutor suddenly goes missing. The government suspects that they have an unaccounted sollicitor on account of unsollicited accounts.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My electronegativity class in college was such a blow off class!	I got an F on all my exams for the class, but I still managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My dad works as a banker at Wells Fargo. I asked him to open a checking account for me	A checking account? What do you need two checking accounts for? Are you sure you want three checking accounts and a saving account? Fine, I'll open four checking accounts, two savings accounts and a line of credit for you.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the letter O say to the letter Q?	"For God's sake man, put some pants on!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I recently switched from Wells Fargo to a credit union...	...my banking got much simpler - bye all accounts.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning?	Not Apple Jacks
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	On a bus one day.....	.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast. Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again. Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.	I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a Warlock and a Sorcerer?	Apart from the Spelling?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is your nose in the middle of your face?	because it's the scenter.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did Hitler blows his brains out?...	Because he saw his gas bill. Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp. He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man sees a boy smoking and drinking	A man walks home late at night, and suddenly saw an 8-year old boy with a smoking cigarette, drinking from a half-empty bottle of scotch. Outraged, he screams at the kid: "What the hell are you doing? Those things are very bad for you health, and you're far too young to even consider this!" "My grandfather lived to 100 years", - replies the kid nonchalantly. "Err, and did he smoke and drink all the time?" - asks the confused man. "No, he always minded his own business".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.	Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN. Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle." Darius replies - "And if i had artillery like that the Greeks wouldn't stand a chance at the battle of Marathon." Napoleon sighs and says - "And if I had a propaganda machine like the CNN nobody would have found out about the Waterloo."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?	Anonymoose
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why was Jack scared?	Because Jack was bean stalked
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal?	handsfree
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Grapes..	What did the green grape say to the purple grape?.. BREATHE IDIOT, BREATHE.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day	...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???". Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified... ...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy	She screamed NO!! I said thats the spirit
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is a miscarriage like a shitty pizza?	They're both cold upon delivery.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two Prostitutes (Kim & Chloe) walking down the street at night....	Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I heard Hillary paid a touching tribute at the 9/11 memorial...	...she collapsed.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Rick and Jerry went hunting	Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting the buck, he realized that an hour had passed since Rick had left the clearing. worried, Jerry walked into the forest and found Rick, back against a tree and sitting as if in a chair. he had fallen asleep while he was taking a dump. Jerry, coming up with a great practical joke, runs back to the clearing and grabs the entrails. after getting back to Rick, he put the guts under Rick's backside. Jerry then walked back to their belongings and fired his rifle, and waited. Rick comes back to the clearing 5 minutes later, looking proud. Jerry, laughing to himself, asks, "so what took you so long?" "well, I fell asleep while I was pooping and I musta pooped my guts out. but with luck on my side, and a little help from a stick, I got 'em all back in!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:	You can hide, but can't run!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?	I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man buys himself a motorbike one day, as this was a long life dream of his...	The salesman gives him a tip, before letting him take off on his newly acquired vehicle; "if you apply Vaseline on it before it rains, it will protect the shine of the paint." The man stops at a local convenience store, and buys a jar of Vaseline for future use; which he puts inside his jacket's pocket. He cruises the city for hours on his bike, and even picks up this sexy, quirky chick, and brings her for a ride. She gets him to drop her at home, and invites him in for dinner... "We have 1 rule of the house sort of thing. The first persons who talks, while within the confine of the house has to do the dishes." They enter the house, and dirty dishes lay everywhere. The living room is full of hem, the hallway, the kitchen (aside from the dinner table)... They sit down to eat, and there were 4 persons at the the table. The mother, the sister, the lady he had given a ride to, and the father. The mother starts playing footsies with him under the table, and things get uncomfortable. He grabs the mother, throws her on the table, and fucks her brains out. The sister rips her shirt open, he grabs her throws her on the table and fucks her. The other woman looks at him with a smile, and fucks her on the table as well. Nobody, through all of this, uttered anything even close to being a word. After all that, the biker looks outside, and it's starting to drizzle out there. He takes out his jar of Vaseline pensively, and the father starts to shout, "ok, ok, I'll do the fucking dishes!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why can't orphans play baseball?	They don't know where home is.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you give a man who has everything?	Penicillin
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?	13 blackberries and 5 apples
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...	If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Nokia 3310 was ahead of its time...	Dust proof, water proof, had a nearly infinite battery life, indestructible, AND no audio jack!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man walks into a bar	With a piece of asfalt in his hand, goes to the bartender and says "Ill take 2 beers, one for me and one for the road"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Nithe lookin horth...	A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earthz"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nithe earthz, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks Him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?	Jack off
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You know what's the common thing between iPhone 7 and the board on Titanic?	There is no room for Jack
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a redneck, and a SJW?	A redneck's trigger actually does something
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was on this plane once.	And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.	Its like she's never seen a penis before.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I created a new word	Plagiarism just like 80% of the jokes on this page wink wink
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the only law that Hillary obeys?	The law of gravity
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My girlfriend asked me to stop singing The Monkees.	I thought she was lying, but then I saw her face...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I just got a really terrible circumcision	What a rip-off!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you embarrass an archaeologist?	Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from..
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Vegans who drink water disgust me.	That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Trump released medical records from a Gastroenterologist	Giving us proof of an "astonishingly excellent" asshole.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?	None.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out...	but I lost my job as a middle school teacher
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar?	There's never a line for the bathroom.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I really needed something positive in my life	so I finally got tested.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.......	Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	In between her legs	A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?	The wheelchair.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?	One sells watches and one watches cells. Credit to DBZ. Edit: Not sure why this auto flared to religion....
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I mowed the lawn today....	....and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "nothing". The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man drives past a farm	He looks out in the field and sees a man fucking a sheep. He yells, "Oh, my god, that's sick! I've got to do something!" He pulls up to the farmhouse, gets out, and knocks on the door. A young man answers. "Excuse me sir," the man says. "But I think you should know there's a man in your field violating a sheep." "Oh, yeah," replies the young man. "That's just my daa-a-aad."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A radio station has a word contest...	A radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Brazil. DJ: "99FM here, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave." DJ: "Dave, what's your word?" Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'". DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Brazil: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!" The DJ cuts the caller short and takes other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: "99FM, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, my name's Jeff!" DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?" Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'." DJ: "... you are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Brazil: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Do you know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?	I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Went to a sausage party	It was the wurst.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was watching the news this morning when th presenter said...	"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more." Gary, you filthy bastard.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Blondes CAN count sheep	So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown. The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd was taken by the woman's beauty and said to her, "Yes". So the woman said the first number that came into her head which was "436". Shocked that she was somehow right, the shepherd said, "That's right. Yes, you can pick one of my flock." After much thought and study of the flock, the woman selected what she thought was the cutest and most playful one to take home with her. The shepherd turned to the woman and said, "Now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a lazy kangaroo?	A pouch potato.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the squirrel swim on it's back?	To keep it's nuts dry.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Old West sheriff and his deputy are searching for the outlaw gang...	... and find them holed up in a cabin in the hills. The sheriff sends his deputy back to town for help. Some time later the deputy returns, driving a wagon containing all the girls from the town brothel. The sheriff says "Dammit, Earl. I told you to bring my POSSE."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Hitler wasn't that bad.	C'mon, he killed Hitler.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I sexually identify as an attack helicopter.	Because I explode on impact.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I have an EpiPen	I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value. A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A friend told me that all apples were yellow...	I was like, "that's bananas"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Girl with no arms or legs is sitting overlooking the ocean	A man walking past notices she's crying, says "what's wrong girl?" She responds, " I've never been kissed before " the man feels really bad for her and leans in and kisses her and leaves. Another guy is walking past and notices the girl is upset and crying, he asks "what's wrong girl?", the girl responds "I've never been fingered before, and I can't even do it myself", the man takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and starts to finger bash her. Not long after, another man walks by, notices her crying and says "what's wrong?", the girl responds "it's just, I've never been fucked before".. There man pauses for a while, takes the girl out of her chair and launches her into the ocean and yells "now you're fucked!".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.	So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dark humor is a lot like a child with cancer.	It never gets old.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Princess Dianna had dandruff	They found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was raised by my father..	He was schizophrenic, but he was good people.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call masturbating on a plane	Hi-jacking Never forget
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.	I knew should’ve put the oven on aloha setting.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Girl you make me feel like a Galaxy S7	Cause I want to explode in your pants.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I tried to use a watch as a belt	But it's just a waist of time
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?	His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was paper-thin as a kid.	So I got ripped.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	3 guys walked into a bar...	I was outside, i didn't see what happend...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Give a dog a bone and you've made a friend for the day,	teach a dog to bone and you'll have friends for life.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I tried to teach a class on how hard it is to make a Fibonacci Sequence.	But it spiraled WAY out of control!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)	when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree. After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him. She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle. After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and walks over by the bushes to take a wee. He lifts up his kilt and is amazed to see a bright blue ribbon tied around his manhood. without skipping a beat he says "well I don't know where you've been laddie, but I can see you won first prize!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did Joey fall of the swing?	Because he doesn't have arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Joey.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A gorilla dies at the Zoo...	Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend to be a gorilla until the zoo can replace the deceased gorilla. After a bout a week, word catches on that the gorilla has been acting more and more interesting, and people are coming in from all over the state to see the new gorilla. The zoo is getting more and more money, and due to this the former gorilla keeper asks for a raise of $200 more dollars a day to keep up the act. The zoo owner agrees, so long as the patronage keeps up. Come another month, the interest in the gorilla has started to wear off, and the former keeper gets word. He creates an elaborate stunt to get more patrons and keep up his raise, by climbing over the enclosures fences, and climbing on top of the lions den. After dangling above the den for a good half hour, the man gets tired and slips into the den, and starts shouting "Help me! Help me I don't want to die!", Quickly a lion pounces on him and whispers in his ear "Shut the fuck up before you get us both fired!".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a gay drive-by?	A fruit roll up.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.	as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I unsubscribed from the official earthbending subreddit.	Getting tired of all these Internet Toph Guys.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?	By taste.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Civil War Jokes you say?	I General Lee don't find them funny
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Nervous Priest	A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the st out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Farting	Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I went to my local city's zoo. They had just one animal. A dog!	It was a shit zu.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Parrot with no legs (NSFW)	My uncle told me this joke, when I was a kid: A suspicious husband who's working all day wants to spy on his wife. He decides to buy a parrot. There are 3 parrots to choose from at the local pet shop. The first one has perfect eye-sight but can't speak. The second one can speak two languages fluently but is blind. The third one is the total package, but he has no legs...he's standing on his dick. The husband buys the bird, shows it to his wife and puts it into the bedroom. After a long day at work, the husband is rushing into the bedroom to ask the parrot: "Anything happened while I was gone?" "Yeah, there was this guy..." "What?! What was he doing here?" "He was kissing your wife and slowly undressed her." "..." "Than he threw her on the bed, and kept kissing her." "I'm going to kill this guy! What happened then?" "She opened his pants..." "Go on!" "I don't know what happened after that..." "WHAT?! Why?" "I got stiff."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?	They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome. Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway. The cops are quick though, and are just about to reach the entrance. There are three empty potato sacks lying against the wall. "Quick! Hide!" The brunette says, and the three women each crawl into a bag. A police man comes down the alleyway, looking around for any signs of the women. The potato sacks stick out to him-so he gives the one with the redhead a kick. "Meow!" goes the redhead, doing her best imitation of a cat. "Just an alley cat..." The police officer mumbles, moving onto the next bag and delivering a quick nudge with his foot. "Woof!" Goes the brunette, imitating a dog. "Just a stray..." The officer mumbles again, heading to the last bag, and giving it a light kick. "POOOOE-TAYYY-TOOOEE" grunts the blonde. _____ Edited to meet popular demand. For those who don't get the joke, the redhead and brunette both mimic things that might be in an alleyway-a cat and a stray dog. The blonde however wonders "What would be in a potato sack? Potatoes!" and thus tries to blend in by announcing herself as a potato. Edit Edit: I'm blond. I can make these jokes.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I needed a password eight characters long...

... so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Jewish boy asks his dad for 50 dollars...

His dad says, "40 dollars?! What do you need 30 dollars for?!!"

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I accidentally ran over and killed my neighbor's cat today...

I was too scared to tell him to his face, so I left a note saying "curiosity was here."

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How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?

They add halalapeño.

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Use chemicals to remove polish and no one cares..

But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.

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Wells Fargo is taken to court by the US government...

...for secretly opening accounts for their customers. Right before the case the governement prosecutor suddenly goes missing. The government suspects that they have an unaccounted sollicitor on account of unsollicited accounts.

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My electronegativity class in college was such a blow off class!

I got an F on all my exams for the class, but I still managed to maintain a 4.0 GPA.

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My dad works as a banker at Wells Fargo. I asked him to open a checking account for me

A checking account? What do you need two checking accounts for? Are you sure you want three checking accounts and a saving account? Fine, I'll open four checking accounts, two savings accounts and a line of credit for you.

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What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"For God's sake man, put some pants on!"

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I recently switched from Wells Fargo to a credit union...

...my banking got much simpler - bye all accounts.

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What does Tim Cook have for breakfast in the morning?

Not Apple Jacks

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast. Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again. Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"

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I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

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What's the difference between a Warlock and a Sorcerer?

Apart from the Spelling?

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Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

because it's the scenter.

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Why did Hitler blows his brains out?...

Because he saw his gas bill. Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp. He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.

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A man sees a boy smoking and drinking

A man walks home late at night, and suddenly saw an 8-year old boy with a smoking cigarette, drinking from a half-empty bottle of scotch. Outraged, he screams at the kid: "What the hell are you doing? Those things are very bad for you health, and you're far too young to even consider this!" "My grandfather lived to 100 years", - replies the kid nonchalantly. "Err, and did he smoke and drink all the time?" - asks the confused man. "No, he always minded his own business".

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Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar.

Charles XII of Sweden, Darius of Persia and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a military parade on CNN. Impressed by modern technology Charles XII says - "Man, if i had mechanised infratry like that I'd have kicked ass at the Poltava battle." Darius replies - "And if i had artillery like that the Greeks wouldn't stand a chance at the battle of Marathon." Napoleon sighs and says - "And if I had a propaganda machine like the CNN nobody would have found out about the Waterloo."

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What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

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Why was Jack scared?

Because Jack was bean stalked

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How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal?

handsfree

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Grapes..

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?.. BREATHE IDIOT, BREATHE.

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A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???". Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified... ...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

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I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to take part in a rape fantasy

She screamed NO!! I said thats the spirit

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Why is a miscarriage like a shitty pizza?

They're both cold upon delivery.

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Two Prostitutes (Kim & Chloe) walking down the street at night....

Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."

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I heard Hillary paid a touching tribute at the 9/11 memorial...

...she collapsed.

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Rick and Jerry went hunting

Rick and Jerry, after 2 days of tracking a buck, made their way into a clearing. both men are exhausted, getting little sleep during their expedition, and Rick decides that after the last 9 straight hours in the bush, he deserves to take a much needed bathroom break. after Jerry had finished gutting the buck, he realized that an hour had passed since Rick had left the clearing. worried, Jerry walked into the forest and found Rick, back against a tree and sitting as if in a chair. he had fallen asleep while he was taking a dump. Jerry, coming up with a great practical joke, runs back to the clearing and grabs the entrails. after getting back to Rick, he put the guts under Rick's backside. Jerry then walked back to their belongings and fired his rifle, and waited. Rick comes back to the clearing 5 minutes later, looking proud. Jerry, laughing to himself, asks, "so what took you so long?" "well, I fell asleep while I was pooping and I musta pooped my guts out. but with luck on my side, and a little help from a stick, I got 'em all back in!"

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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but can't run!

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What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

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A man buys himself a motorbike one day, as this was a long life dream of his...

The salesman gives him a tip, before letting him take off on his newly acquired vehicle; "if you apply Vaseline on it before it rains, it will protect the shine of the paint." The man stops at a local convenience store, and buys a jar of Vaseline for future use; which he puts inside his jacket's pocket. He cruises the city for hours on his bike, and even picks up this sexy, quirky chick, and brings her for a ride. She gets him to drop her at home, and invites him in for dinner... "We have 1 rule of the house sort of thing. The first persons who talks, while within the confine of the house has to do the dishes." They enter the house, and dirty dishes lay everywhere. The living room is full of hem, the hallway, the kitchen (aside from the dinner table)... They sit down to eat, and there were 4 persons at the the table. The mother, the sister, the lady he had given a ride to, and the father. The mother starts playing footsies with him under the table, and things get uncomfortable. He grabs the mother, throws her on the table, and fucks her brains out. The sister rips her shirt open, he grabs her throws her on the table and fucks her. The other woman looks at him with a smile, and fucks her on the table as well. Nobody, through all of this, uttered anything even close to being a word. After all that, the biker looks outside, and it's starting to drizzle out there. He takes out his jar of Vaseline pensively, and the father starts to shout, "ok, ok, I'll do the fucking dishes!"

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Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

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What do you give a man who has everything?

Penicillin

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What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?

13 blackberries and 5 apples

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If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

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The Nokia 3310 was ahead of its time...

Dust proof, water proof, had a nearly infinite battery life, indestructible, AND no audio jack!

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A man walks into a bar

With a piece of asfalt in his hand, goes to the bartender and says "Ill take 2 beers, one for me and one for the road"

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Nithe lookin horth...

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earthz"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nithe earthz, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks Him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

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What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?

Jack off

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You know what's the common thing between iPhone 7 and the board on Titanic?

There is no room for Jack

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What's the difference between a redneck, and a SJW?

A redneck's trigger actually does something

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I was on this plane once.

And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey hon, don't forget the coffee!"

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The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won't stop screaming.

Its like she's never seen a penis before.

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I created a new word

Plagiarism *just like 80% of the jokes on this page wink wink*

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What is the only law that Hillary obeys?

The law of gravity

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My girlfriend asked me to stop singing The Monkees.

I thought she was lying, but then I saw her face...

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I just got a really terrible circumcision

What a rip-off!

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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from..

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Vegans who drink water disgust me.

That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

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Trump released medical records from a Gastroenterologist

Giving us proof of an "astonishingly excellent" asshole.

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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

None.

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I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out...

but I lost my job as a middle school teacher

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What's the best thing about a swimming pool bar?

There's never a line for the bathroom.

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I really needed something positive in my life

so I finally got tested.

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.......

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

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In between her legs

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

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What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

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What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches and one watches cells. Credit to DBZ. Edit: Not sure why this auto flared to religion....

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I mowed the lawn today....

....and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "nothing". The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

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A man drives past a farm

He looks out in the field and sees a man fucking a sheep. He yells, "Oh, my god, that's sick! I've got to do something!" He pulls up to the farmhouse, gets out, and knocks on the door. A young man answers. "Excuse me sir," the man says. "But I think you should know there's a man in your field violating a sheep." "Oh, yeah," replies the young man. "That's just my daa-a-aad."

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A radio station has a word contest...

A radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Brazil. DJ: "99FM here, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave." DJ: "Dave, what's your word?" Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'". DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Brazil: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!" The DJ cuts the caller short and takes other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: "99FM, what's your name?" Caller: "Hi, my name's Jeff!" DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?" Caller: "Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'." DJ: "... you are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Brazil: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?" Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"

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Do you know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

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Went to a sausage party

It was the wurst.

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I was watching the news this morning when th presenter said...

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more." Gary, you filthy bastard.

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Blondes CAN count sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown. The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd was taken by the woman's beauty and said to her, "Yes". So the woman said the first number that came into her head which was "436". Shocked that she was somehow right, the shepherd said, "That's right. Yes, you can pick one of my flock." After much thought and study of the flock, the woman selected what she thought was the cutest and most playful one to take home with her. The shepherd turned to the woman and said, "Now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

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What do you call a lazy kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

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Why did the squirrel swim on it's back?

To keep it's nuts dry.

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The Old West sheriff and his deputy are searching for the outlaw gang...

... and find them holed up in a cabin in the hills. The sheriff sends his deputy back to town for help. Some time later the deputy returns, driving a wagon containing all the girls from the town brothel. The sheriff says "Dammit, Earl. I told you to bring my POSSE."

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Hitler wasn't that bad.

C'mon, he killed Hitler.

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I sexually identify as an attack helicopter.

Because I explode on impact.

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I have an EpiPen

I don't need it but I always keep it for sentimental value. A friend of mines gave it to me as he was dying, I don't know why but it seemed very important to him I had it.

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A friend told me that all apples were yellow...

I was like, "that's bananas"

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Girl with no arms or legs is sitting overlooking the ocean

A man walking past notices she's crying, says "what's wrong girl?" She responds, " I've never been kissed before " the man feels really bad for her and leans in and kisses her and leaves. Another guy is walking past and notices the girl is upset and crying, he asks "what's wrong girl?", the girl responds "I've never been fingered before, and I can't even do it myself", the man takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and starts to finger bash her. Not long after, another man walks by, notices her crying and says "what's wrong?", the girl responds "it's just, I've never been fucked before".. There man pauses for a while, takes the girl out of her chair and launches her into the ocean and yells "now you're fucked!".

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I set up an internet page for Chinese Nazis.

So far it's got 3 Reichs on Facebook.

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Dark humor is a lot like a child with cancer.

It never gets old.

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Princess Dianna had dandruff

They found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.

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I was raised by my father..

He was schizophrenic, but he was good people.

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What do you call masturbating on a plane

Hi-jacking Never forget

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I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I knew should’ve put the oven on aloha setting.

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Girl you make me feel like a Galaxy S7

Cause I want to explode in your pants.

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I tried to use a watch as a belt

But it's just a waist of time

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A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

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I was paper-thin as a kid.

So I got ripped.

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3 guys walked into a bar...

I was outside, i didn't see what happend...

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Give a dog a bone and you've made a friend for the day,

teach a dog to bone and you'll have friends for life.

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I tried to teach a class on how hard it is to make a Fibonacci Sequence.

But it spiraled WAY out of control!

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A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)

when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree. After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him. She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle. After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and walks over by the bushes to take a wee. He lifts up his kilt and is amazed to see a bright blue ribbon tied around his manhood. without skipping a beat he says "well I don't know where you've been laddie, but I can see you won first prize!"

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Why did Joey fall of the swing?

Because he doesn't have arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Joey.

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A gorilla dies at the Zoo...

Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend to be a gorilla until the zoo can replace the deceased gorilla. After a bout a week, word catches on that the gorilla has been acting more and more interesting, and people are coming in from all over the state to see the new gorilla. The zoo is getting more and more money, and due to this the former gorilla keeper asks for a raise of $200 more dollars a day to keep up the act. The zoo owner agrees, so long as the patronage keeps up. Come another month, the interest in the gorilla has started to wear off, and the former keeper gets word. He creates an elaborate stunt to get more patrons and keep up his raise, by climbing over the enclosures fences, and climbing on top of the lions den. After dangling above the den for a good half hour, the man gets tired and slips into the den, and starts shouting "Help me! Help me I don't want to die!", Quickly a lion pounces on him and whispers in his ear "Shut the fuck up before you get us both fired!".

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What do you call a gay drive-by?

A fruit roll up.

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Strange that the chimney tends to survive a house fire.

as a cold reminder of where the fire should have been. -Jimeoin

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I unsubscribed from the official earthbending subreddit.

Getting tired of all these Internet Toph Guys.

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How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?

By taste.

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Civil War Jokes you say?

I General Lee don't find them funny

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The Nervous Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor for suggestions to help him do better in the future. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me". 12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Farting

Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!

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I went to my local city's zoo. They had just one animal. A dog!

It was a shit zu.

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Parrot with no legs (NSFW)

My uncle told me this joke, when I was a kid: A suspicious husband who's working all day wants to spy on his wife. He decides to buy a parrot. There are 3 parrots to choose from at the local pet shop. The first one has perfect eye-sight but can't speak. The second one can speak two languages fluently but is blind. The third one is the total package, but he has no legs...he's standing on his dick. The husband buys the bird, shows it to his wife and puts it into the bedroom. After a long day at work, the husband is rushing into the bedroom to ask the parrot: "Anything happened while I was gone?" "Yeah, there was this guy..." "What?! What was he doing here?" "He was kissing your wife and slowly undressed her." "..." "Than he threw her on the bed, and kept kissing her." "I'm going to kill this guy! What happened then?" "She opened his pants..." "Go on!" "I don't know what happened after that..." "WHAT?! Why?" "I got stiff."

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How is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery boy?

They both get close enough to smell it, but if they eat it, they'll be fired.