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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
If I got 50 cents for every math exam I failed...
I’d have $7.35 now.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Walking on water
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him back into the boat and safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me farder, his farder, and his farder before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye farder, ye grandfarder and ye great-grandfarder were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya bloody idiot!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
To anyone who says white people can't jump...
You obviously haven't seen footage of 9/11.
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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile!
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How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a rap artist
art
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It turns out the iPhone 7 is illegal.
It got de-ported
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Whats the difference between jelly and jam?
You can't jelly a dick in someones mouth.
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Voodoo Dick
A man is going away on a business trip and is afraid that his wife will be unfaithful while he is gone. In order to satisfy her needs while he is away, he goes browsing in a sex toy shop to find something special for her. "Sir, I need a toy that will satisfy my wife, who has an incredible sex drive." Says the man. The store owner says "I have just the thing." He pulls out a glowing box from underneath the counter. He opens it up and inside is a dildo that has a mysterious glow around it. The store owner says "watch this." He looks at the dildo and says "voodoo dick! The keyhole!" The dildo magically rises up out of the box and flies over to the keyhole and furiously penetrates it back and forth. The man, amazed, must have it. He gives the store owner his credit card as the store owner puts the dildo back into the box. The man brings it home for his wife and demonstrates on the keyhole the same way the store owner did. His wife is delighted and he grabs his bags and leaves for his trip. Later that night, his wife decides to use it. She takes out the box and opens it. "Voodoo dick! My pussy!" The dildo magically rises up and begins to penetrate her back and forth. She screams with pleasure for hours until she can't take anymore. She tries to remove it but the magically voodoo dick is too powerful. She panics and decides to drive to the sex toy store to figure out how to stop it. While she's driving, the voodoo dick hasn't stopped. It is still going wild on her. She is swerving and speeding completely out of control. She sees lights behind her and pulls over to the side of the road. A police officer approaches her window and asks "mam, have you been drinking tonight?" She says "no, officer! I have this voodoo dick inside of me!" He responds "yeah. Voodoo dick, my ass."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Ever since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse, I will need to let her back in.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
How do you find and old man in the dark?
Just feel around. It's not hard.
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I went to a Pantheist forest yesterday.
I tried to read the map, but all it said was, "You are HERE"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A women is at home when she hears someone knock on the door
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock on the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock on the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again". The next morning they hear a knock on the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer 'yes' to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?" "Yes" she says. The man replies "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What did the sign say at a strip club
Business doing pleasure for you
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What type of milk is swiss cheese made of?
Whole milk.
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A man has been found guilty of overusing commas,
the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence
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What do you call a Nun that has a sex change operation?
A Transistor
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
"There's a guy that jumped off the Pont Neuf!"
He must be in Seine.
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How do teenage boys keep warm?
Jackit
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Why does the left foot get all the blame if you're a poor dancer? "Oh, you have two left feet. Hur hur hur"
I guess it is #rightprivilege
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Fun idea:
Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.
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I am proud to announce that I have developed a foundation to aid abused women
It's real thick to hide the bruises
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What do you call a smart guy in US?
A tourist.
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Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport?
Because the best you can get is bronze.
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What does a stegosaurus eat off of?
His plates. -Jude; My five-year-old son
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“As one door closes, another one opens,” he said.
“That’s all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I’m not buying the car.”
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If a Hammerhead Shark met a Nail Tail Whale..
Would they..Hit it off?
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2 dads walk into a bar...
One turns to the other and says "that hurt".
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A pedophile and a little boy...
A pedophile and a little boy walk into the woods. The little boy says *"Gee mister, it's dark out here. I'm scared!"* The pedophile replies *"You're scared?! I have to walk out of here alone!"* My father has a dark sense of humor..
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What's the most popular sports channel in Mexico?
ESPÑOL
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How do you make five pounds of fat fun?
Add a nipple.
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Boobs vs. Willies[NSFW]
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I was thrown out of my cloning exam
for copying the kid next to me.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do...
First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge line at the store to even get fitted for a tuxedo. He thinks he is done. But there is a lengthy line at the store to pick out his bowtie and cumber bun. He’s done with all his selections and is ready to leave. But there is an enormous check out line. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a florist. But there's this big long corsage line at the florist. Now he's gotta go rent a limo. But there's this huge line when he gets to the limo place. Finally after waiting and making all the arrangements, it's the night of the prom. He has to go to the tux shop to pick up his tux. But there is a super long pick up your tux line. Then he has to go to the florist to pick up the corsage. But there is a long corsage line too. He gets the corsage and has his tux and rushes home to get ready. But there is a line to use the bathroom mirror since his sister is also getting ready to go to the prom. The limo arrives and he hops in to go get his date. He picks her up and head to the prom. But there's this huge ticket line at the door. When they get past the ticket line they are immediately funneled into a massive picture line. Finally they get in and they start dancing and having fun, and she says to him, "I'm hungry," so he goes to get her some food, but there's this huge buffet line. He gets her some food and they eat and they're dancing again and she says, "Now I'm thirsty, can you get me a drink?" So he goes to get her a drink and there's no punchline.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
I was gonna cut my hair, but I kind of like it,
It's growing on me.
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I just found out a distant relative of mine has eaten three people.
It’s a lot to digest...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Why did the octopus blush?
He saw the bottom of the ocean
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Why are there so many old people in Church?
They're cramming for the final
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
You know why we can never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
How can you tell if a girl is too young for you?
You need to make the airplane sound to put your cock in her mouth. (From one of my favorite stand-ups, Jimmy Carr!)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A guy took a blonde to a her first football game...
She had never watched football before, and so the guy was prepared to explain everything to her, but to his surprise she didn't ask a single question and cheered enthusiastically the whole game. Afterwards, as they were leaving, he asked her how she liked the game. She said it was a blast but she was confused about one thing. He asked her what it was. "well, at the beginning, they flipped a coin, and then for the rest of the game everyone was shouting 'get the quarter back!'. Why were they so upset about 25 cents?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes?
Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.
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6:30 is the best time on a clock...
...hands down.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
A baby was born in South Africa.
The village was very poor, and the makeshift hospital didn't have some necessary equipment.. such as scales. The father however, was desperate to know the newborn baby's weight. After quite a bit of asking around, the hospital's chairman came up with an idea. "Five miles west, there's a butcher shop. The owner deals with meat, he should have a rather precise scale. You could just put your baby on the meat scale, and the weight reading you'll get should be pretty accurate." And so the father departed westward. After much walking, with his newborn child cardled safely in his arms, he finally arrived at the butcher shop. He explained his dilemma to the shop owner, to witch the latter replied: "Don't worry, friend. It's not even a problem, I'll check it for you, free of charge." And so he took the child to the back, where the scale was located. The father heard rumbling noises, and some scraping.. About a minute later the butcher came back. "About three pounds boneless" He said.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
They hired a comedian for the local construction site. Everybody loves him.
You could say he's really nailing it.
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Why do people make fun of me because I've never grabbed a girl's boobs?
I still don't get tit.
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My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.
We are maid for each other.
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Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy fell in a mud puddle. Wanna hear a clean joke? The boy took a bath. Wanna hear another clean joke? The boy took a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear another dirty joke? Bubbles was his step-dad.
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Did you hear about the Irishman that was attacked by a carpenter?
I heard he was hammered
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Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they always take things, literally.
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Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?
In case one dozen come out right.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
What food makes women stop having sex?
A wedding cake
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is Little Johnny on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the Little Johnny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Little Johnny replies, "Yeah."The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.Little Johnny takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that"s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"Humoring Little Johnny, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."Little Johnny continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Apple just announced new plans for the iPhone 8...
It wont be a physical device, it will be iMaginary!
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If someone says "Someone in this room has a bomb," I can't rule myself out as a suspect.
- Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7
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I was with my mom today when some guy backed into our car.
I joked with my mom "That guy's pull out game is weak." My mom replied "Not as weak as your dad's."
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As a reward for winning a race, a young stallion was put in a compound with a beautiful female zebra.
As the next day dawned, the keeper ran to see how the stallion had made out and was chagrined to see him leaning up against a tree. His mane was disheveled, his body covered in welts from angry hooves, and he had two giant black eyes. Astounded, the keeper asked what had happened. The stallion said, "I spent the whole night trying to take off her pajamas."
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What is a chefs weapon of choice?
A salt rifle
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On a scale of 1 to 10
How old is your girlfriend?
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So Arnold Schwarzenegger opened a pest control business...
Because he was already an Ex Terminator.
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My girlfriend told me to stop singing Oasis...
I said maybe.
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Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side.
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Common scene
Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
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Why did 10 die?
He was in the middle of 9/11.
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I just found out that my blood type is B negative.
That's the worst one. My day is ruined.
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I was cooking a dish with onions in it and my friend cried.
I only now realized recently that she wasn't raising that dog for food.
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A proton walks over to an electron and asks, "Hey electron, why are you always so negative?"
The electron turns around, stares at him deeply for a brief moment, and responds, "My parents died in a car crash." ___ *Reposting this joke because I originally posted it on the wrong account.*
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Never date an Aztec woman...
They'll rip your heart out :(
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Why is employee scheduling so difficult to get right for a brothel?
The customers tend to come in spurts.
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What Do You Call A Cheap Curcumcision?
A Rip Off.
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an airplane is to crash
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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If I had a nickel for every time some didn't understand me
I'd make more cents.
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Murderous neighbor
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Rocking Mum,Shocking son
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ... Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Today my neighbor knocked at my door at 3 am. Can you believe that? .
Lucky for him that I was awake playing the drums!
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Custer's Last Thought
There was a man who was obsessed about the wild west. Cowboys and Indians, this guy loved it all. One day he was in his house looking at his already massive collection, and suddenly he gets an idea how to expand it furthermore. He calls up a painter and says "I want you to paint me a picture of Custer's last thought." The painter thinks for a moment, agrees, and tells the man to call back in a week. The next week the man gets a call from the painter, inviting him to come over to his gallery. The man quickly drives over to the painter's gallery, and looks at the painting. It was of a fish jumping out of a small pool of water, with a halo on it. And surrounding the pool, there were literally hundreds of native Americans engaged in sexual intercourse. The man admires it for a bit more, then asks the painter, "what does this have to do with Custer's last thought?" The painter says "It does look complex, but the concept is quite simple. Holy mackerel that's a lot of fucking Indians."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup
Nephew asks how babies are made
My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".
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I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married.
I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
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Hey dude, want some sodium hypobromite?
NaBrO, I'm good.
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I tell you what makes my blood boil,
faulty spacesuits.
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People say Frankenstein's monster had a temper,
but actually he was surprisingly level headed.
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I would tell you the one about the broken pencil.
But there's no point to it.
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I knew a girl with 12 nipples...
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
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What's worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.
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A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
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Hillary Clinton is going to be the first f president...
... Oops, I meant to say female but someone deleted the emale
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9/11, Perfect day to make an insensitive repost
Osama bin Laden's son came home from school crying. Osama asked, "why are you crying my son". His son replied, "today our teacher asked us what the tallest building in America is. I said it's the Empire State Building and the whole class laughed at me." "Don't worry son, I'll handle this."
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A blonde and a brunette are watching a TV show...
The brunette bets the blonde $10 that the man in the episode would jump off a bridge. The man jumps off the bridge and blonde pays the the brunette $10. The brunette feels guilty because she had already seen the episode, so she confesses to the blonde. The blonde says, "I've seen it too, but I didn't think he would jump again."
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Poor Dr. Epstein
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again. Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy? Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away." "Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk." "I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return." The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too." Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident." "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years." The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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I've Invented A New Word...
Plagiarism.
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I'd rather have a bottle in-front-of-me ...
than a frontal lobotomy.
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9/11 Who?
Knock Knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 Who? I thought you said you would never forget!
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iPhone 8 should have no charging port.
So you can use it only once.
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I just failed my butcher's exam.
Mis-steaks were made.
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Man is like spider..
.. bound to have sticky hand when on web!
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan