Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man goes to his doctor...	...for a routine check up. After running some tests, the doctor looks at the man and says, "I have some bad news and positive news." The man replies, "Tell me the positive news." "Your HIV test." "Shit, well what's the bad news?" "Your HIV test."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	With all this talk of walls and migrants around the world.	Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman find a golden lamp in a forest and when Paddy Englishman rubs it with his sleeve a Genie appears and gives them a wish each. Paddy Scotsman says "I wish to have neverending riches and alcohol." Paddy Englishman says "I wish there was a giant wall around England to keep out the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish and anyone else who wants to get in." Paddy Irishman turns to the Genie and says "Tell me more about this wall." The Genie says, "The wall is 500 foot high, and protects the English borders from all other nationalities, meaning no one can get in or out. It is completely unpenetrable." Paddy Irishman then says, "I wish to fill it with water."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's Tim Cook's new nickname?	Jack The Ripper
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why can't girls play hockey?	Their pads can't last three periods
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A wife is like a hand grenade.	Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A college lecturer asks his students who is poorer...	A man with $1000 but is $750 in debt, or a man with $250. The hall is silent for a moment, then a student stands up and answers "Me."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The three unwritten rules of life	1. 2. 3.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is oxygen like sex?	Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A boy walks up to his priest...	Boy: Father? Priest: Yes? Boy: I been thinking reeaal hard about something and i just can't figure it out. Priest: Figure what out? Boy: I just can't figure out if God is black or white. Do you know? [The priest chuckled] Priest: Son, you see there isn't a simple answer for that but i'd say God is both. [the boy walked off with a puzzled look] [30 minutes later the boy comes back] Boy: Listen, i've thought about what you said and now i'm wondering whether God is a boy or a girl. [Again the Priest answered both] [still confused the boy walked away and came back an hour later] Boy: Okay, so after all you've told me i still have one more question. Priest: Well, what is it? Boy: Is God Michael Jackson?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I just met a dude with 12 nipples!	I know, it scounds crazy, dozen tit
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Kids these days don't give a fuck about acid	They're all about that base. Credit to /u/Assorted_Jellymemes
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I once farted in an Apple store...	It's not my fault they don't have windows.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered	A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered with clocks. He asked St. Peter, what's with the clocks? St. Peter explained that everyone was assigned a clock, and each time they told a lie, the clock would move ahead one minute. The man saw a clock at straight up 12:00. He asked whose clock that was. St. Peter replied, Mother Theresa, she never told a lie. Another clock showed 12:02. He was told it belonged to Abe Lincoln. The man asked, where's Hillary's clock? St. Peter replied, "It's in Jesus' office, he uses it for a ceiling fan."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Doctor: Well ma'am looks like you're pregnant.	Woman: I'm pregnant? Doctor: No it just looks like you are.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There were three blondes going on a walk when they come across a river....	They don't know how to get across, but they decide to go to God for help. The first blonde says "please God, make me twice as smart as I am so I can get across this river" God hears this and decides to help, so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second blonde then says "please God make me ten times as smart so I can get across the river." God hears this and he turns her into a red head and she finds a boat on the river bank and goes across the river. The third one says "God, please make me one hundred times as smart so I can cross the river." So God turns her into a man and he uses the bridge.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does an optometrist make love?	Better like this ... or better like this?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear...	Would Greece help?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My first blowjob was like my first bike ride....	Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	what do you call an alligator in a vest?	An Investigator
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A weasel walks into a bar	And asks for a beer. The bartender says "we can't serve alcohol to you." "I'll just take a pop" goes the weasel.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The history of the condom.	In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine. In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first. ~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day	A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a magic lamp. Rabbit rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "You know the drill," he says. "You both get three wishes. What's it gonna be?" Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the entire forest were lady bears." And poof, it's done. Rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." And one appears in his paws. Bear says, "I wish all the other bears on this continent were lady bears." And so it's done. Rabbit says, "I wish for an electric scooter." And the genie makes it appear. Then the genie says, "All right, time for your last wish. What does your heart really desire?" Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the whole world were lady bears." And then Rabbit straps on his helmet, gets on his scooter, powers it up and says: "I wish Bear was gay."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Al Capone summons a man he lent money to	Al Capone gets his thugs to bring a man to him who has stolen $50,000 from him. Unfortunately the man speaks a language Al Capone, nor his thugs understand so they have to get a translator. Al Capone tells the translator, 'ask him where the money is' 'Where is the money' the translator says 'I won't tell you, rot in hell worthless scum!' replies the thief The translator tells Al Capone this and a sadistic grin spreads across his face, 'tell him we'll cut his balls off and feed them to his wife' he says The translator tells the prisoner this and he starts sweating and quickly replies, 'it's underneath the Ambassador Bridge!' Al Capone asks him what he said and the translator replies, 'he said fuck you'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I left my iPhone 7 in my car seat	When I came back, the car window was broken. Someone had left another iPhone 7 in my car. So not fair!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?	They both suffered the loss of one very important port.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why don't big trains have little trains?	They pull out on time.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is I such a controlling letter?	Because I said so.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A businessman arrives in Japan and decides to get an escort for the night.	He turns off the light and proceeds to caress her. When he finally penetrates her she says 'machigatta ana'. He thinks nothing of it and starts banging her harder. She then starts screaming 'machigatta ana, machigatta ana'. He thinks to himself 'boy, she must really like it'. When he finishes she is almost wrecked and says in a tired voice 'machigatta ana'. He tells her 'I'm glad you liked it too'. After his meetings the following day he is invited to play golf with a Japanese group. He hits an amazing shot and punches the air screaming 'machigatta ana'. One of the Japanese looks at him and says: what do you mean by 'wrong hole'?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blind person places hand over a grater	"Who wrote this crap?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Donald Trump says he can "protect the Constitution"	Do people really think he can stop Nic Cage?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first?	Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The world is becoming too politically correct	You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two dinosaurs are having a conversation.	The male dinosaur says: "Mm-hmm." The female dinosaur responds: "Nuh-uh." Years and decades pass and the male dinosaur says again: "Mm-hmm." And again the female responds: "Nuh-uh." And that is how the dinosaurs went extinct.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?"	I said, "1080p."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	3 Statisticians Go Hunting	They eventually spot a deer. The first shoots 5 meters above his head. The second shoots 5 meters below his head. Then the third yells out "We Got Him!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You don't need a parachute to go sky diving	You need a parachute to go sky diving twice
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Wanna know something about whiteboards?	They're remarkable.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I gave up on my growing list of optometry jokes	They just kept getting cornea
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar	Now that's a sweet ass
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blind man walks into a bar...	A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink and says, "Hey! Does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?" Then the woman next to him taps his shoulder and says, "Listen mister, I'm a bodybuilder, 5 foot 9 of pure muscle, and I'm blonde. The bouncer over there, he's a martial arts expert and his hands are registered as lethal weapons! He's blonde too! And the bartender, she's 6 foot 2, is a roller derby star and is also a blonde! So do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" To which the blind man replies... "Well not if I gotta explain it three times!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	At the Welfare office.	A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just Hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dogs can't operate an MRI.	But cats can.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	whats the difference between the USA and a yogurt?	If you leave a yogurt unwatched for 500 years it will develop its own culture.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.	When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Life After Death	Hey grandma, do you think that life after death will be beautiful? Grandma: Well that depends, who died?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary...	A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Irish Tenacity	Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day. In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’ Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’ Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’ The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’ Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’ Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off' I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.	So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I like my coffee like I like my women...	with a big cup size.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse	So a man comes into a horse
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A husband and wife discusstion	A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	3 men in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do?	Throw one cigarette away and the boat becomes one cigarette lighter.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Doing Drugs O o Going to Prison o O	Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.” On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?” "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?” ”I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, “This is your asshole before going to prison.................."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A blonde was sitting at the first class seat on a plane...	The air stewardress tried to pursuade her to return back to economy, which she had bought. The blonde replied: "im blonde, im fabulous and im going to london." After much persuasion, the blonde still refused to move away. The air stewardress had no choice but to call upon the captain to tell her to move back to her seat. The air stewardress entered the cockpit, explained the situation and the captain nodded his head. He went to the blonde and whispered in her ear. The blonde immediately moved back to economy. The air stewardress, amazed, asked the captain what he said to the blonde. The captain replied: "simple, i told her first class aint going to london"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.	The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"The customer says, "Female"The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"The customer says, "White"The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Nice Catch	The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- ooking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply. 'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	85 year old Mr. Horwitz goes to see the priest to give a confession	"Father, forgive me, I have slept with another woman than my wife" the old man confesses. "Mr. Horwitz, didn't your wife pass about 10 years ago? In fact, I have seen you out dating other women in the last few years..." the Priest responds. "Yes, she did, Father, and I have dated, but this woman is younger -- much younger -- only 29." "Well, OK, Mr. Horwitz, I can help counsel you... but let me ask you ... Why are telling me? Aren't you Jewish?" "Me sleeping with a 29 year old? I'm telling everybody!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Vaginas are like the weather	If its wet, its time to go inside.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a Chinese billionaire?	Cha Ching
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I have to catch the 4:23 train	A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many IT professionals does it take to change a lightbulb?	Have you tried turning it off and back on?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'	which also means nothing
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do women wear make-up and perfume?	Because they are ugly and smell bad.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I ran out of toilet paper at Hartsfield/ATL. Then I remembered my mom had told me I could use pages from a book in a pinch.	I gotta say...it's really hard to wipe with an e-book.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The future	The world in 10 years... MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100... Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The One-Step Guide To Be A Hipster	1. Don't follow this guide.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Father wakes up his son and asks him a question.	What has 4 legs and isn't alive? It's a chair dad... Why are you bothering me with this?! No Jimmy, it's your dog...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Several men were arrested when attempting to smuggle food additives into Cuba	They were dubbed the Pirates of the Carrageenan.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where do facts come from?	The factory.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's similar about a shy jihad and a bagpipe	They only make noise once they've been blown up.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I once ate an entire pack of rope	I shit you knot.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My better half said period jokes aren't clever	So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I knew she'd come crawling to me..	I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I'd like to explain what happened before the big bang	Unfortunately there's no time
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school.......	Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenny," he says. "And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?” Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?” A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says. "What is your question, Johnny?" she asks. "I have five questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny"?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Blonde Joke	An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep... He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels. Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar quickly falls completely quiet. In a profound, imposing voice, the lady by him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is not out of the question, given that you are visually impaired, that you ought to know five things: The barkeep is a blonde young lady with a polished ash. The bouncer is a blonde young lady with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde lady with a dark belt in karate. The lady sitting beside me is blonde and an expert weight lifter. The woman to your privilege is blonde and an expert wrestler. 'Presently, consider it truly, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The visually impaired cowhand thinks for a brief moment, shakes his head and mumbles, 'No...not in case I'm going to need to clarify it five times.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.	An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"" The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family." "OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad. The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff." "Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I try to teach my mom something new everyday	Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.	But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you do when you see a Flock of Seagulls?	You run. You run so far away.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I lost my watch at a party.	After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike	My dad was holding me from behind .
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I recently joined a nudist colony..	The first week was the hardest
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?	I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A rabbit needs to shit in the woods...	... but the animals have agreed in the sake of understandable issues not to crap all over the place where they live. And let me tell you they also appointed the local police-bear to watch out for any rule-breakers. Still, the rabbit is feeling a very hard urge to let go a few of his brown droplets in a secluded area. He knew that the fox did it and the bear didn't catch him so he had it going for him. Alas, the police-bear happened to be in the vicinity of the crime. He didn't see it happening but let me tell you he had a nose for these kind of things, he even caught a pair of birds shitting off of a tree branch. Now, the police-bear approaches the rabbit "Did you shit in the woods, rabbit?" The rabbit quickly covers his misdoing with his hat. "No, sir, but as others might say, does the bear shit in the wood" Rather angrily and not amused the police-bear answers "Don't play smartass with me, I saw you covering your shit with your hat" "But sir I mean it, I have not shat here. You see I was catching a butterfly, that's what I covered with my hat" "Then lift your hat" "No can do, it will fly away" The police-bear thinks, this rabbit won't outfox him like the fox did earlier. He readies his pistol and shoots a couple of rounds at the hat. "Now it won't fly away, lift your hat" "Aye, sir" and the rabbit slowly raises the hat, and as the police bear sees the shit beneath, the rabbit exclaims in a high pitched voice: "Fuck, bear, you shot the living crap out of it!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?	A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Stevie Wonder walks into a bar...	Then a table, then a chair.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I can't believe this happened	I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally	I think she's a keeper
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My math teacher said I was average.	How mean!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you make holy water?	You boil the hell out of it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Old man and teenage boy sitting on a bus..	There was an old man sitting next to a teenage boy on the bus. The teenager had a long Mohawk with several different colors dyed into it. The old man keeps staring at the teenage boy's hair until the kid snaps and says, "what old man you've never done anything crazy before ?" The old man replies, " I once fucked a peacock I was wondering if you were my son.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man goes into his doctor feeling really nervous	He asks his doctor "can you keep a secret?" The doctor replies "Yes I can, doctor patient confidentiality." The man looks around to make sure nobody can hear him, then he whispers to the doctor "Between you and me, there are five testicles in this room." The doctor looks at him with a blank expression, then replies "So, you're telling me you only have one?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's worse than having ants in your pants?	Uncles.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I'm not fat, i'm half-Bulemic.	I eat everything i see, but i can't throw up.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"A touching story"	One day a girl was walking from school... On the way home she saw a cat by the road lying dead. The girl went and touched the cat to see if it would respond but there was no response.. She touched it again still no response... She then touched it again and again and again. As i said its a touching story...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Let's Talk	A stranger was seated next to Ken on an empty flight to England. The stranger turned to Ken and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.” Ken, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “Okay, what would you like to talk about?” “I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?” “Okay,” said Ken. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” “Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.” “Well then,” said Ken, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?” ^Credit ^to ^Lawrence ^Dorfman ^in ^The ^Snarks ^Handbook
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.	After all, if you can't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she won't tell your wife?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?	You can't milk a cow for 15 years.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking.	Stupid mosquitoes!

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man goes to his doctor...

...for a routine check up. After running some tests, the doctor looks at the man and says, "I have some bad news and positive news." The man replies, "Tell me the positive news." "Your HIV test." "Shit, well what's the bad news?" "Your HIV test."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

With all this talk of walls and migrants around the world.

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman find a golden lamp in a forest and when Paddy Englishman rubs it with his sleeve a Genie appears and gives them a wish each. Paddy Scotsman says "I wish to have neverending riches and alcohol." Paddy Englishman says "I wish there was a giant wall around England to keep out the Scots, the Welsh, the Irish and anyone else who wants to get in." Paddy Irishman turns to the Genie and says "Tell me more about this wall." The Genie says, "The wall is 500 foot high, and protects the English borders from all other nationalities, meaning no one can get in or out. It is completely unpenetrable." Paddy Irishman then says, "I wish to fill it with water."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's Tim Cook's new nickname?

Jack The Ripper

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why can't girls play hockey?

Their pads can't last three periods

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A college lecturer asks his students who is poorer...

A man with $1000 but is $750 in debt, or a man with $250. The hall is silent for a moment, then a student stands up and answers "Me."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The three unwritten rules of life

1. 2. 3.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why is oxygen like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A boy walks up to his priest...

Boy: Father? Priest: Yes? Boy: I been thinking reeaal hard about something and i just can't figure it out. Priest: Figure what out? Boy: I just can't figure out if God is black or white. Do you know? [*The priest chuckled*] Priest: Son, you see there isn't a simple answer for that but i'd say God is both. [*the boy walked off with a puzzled look*] [*30 minutes later the boy comes back*] Boy: Listen, i've thought about what you said and now i'm wondering whether God is a boy or a girl. [*Again the Priest answered both*] [*still confused the boy walked away and came back an hour later*] Boy: Okay, so after all you've told me i still have one more question. Priest: Well, what is it? Boy: Is God Michael Jackson?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I just met a dude with 12 nipples!

I know, it scounds crazy, dozen tit

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Kids these days don't give a fuck about acid

They're all about that base. Credit to /u/Assorted_Jellymemes

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I once farted in an Apple store...

It's not my fault they don't have windows.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered

A man died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate, the man saw an enormous wall covered with clocks. He asked St. Peter, what's with the clocks? St. Peter explained that everyone was assigned a clock, and each time they told a lie, the clock would move ahead one minute. The man saw a clock at straight up 12:00. He asked whose clock that was. St. Peter replied, Mother Theresa, she never told a lie. Another clock showed 12:02. He was told it belonged to Abe Lincoln. The man asked, where's Hillary's clock? St. Peter replied, "It's in Jesus' office, he uses it for a ceiling fan."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Doctor: Well ma'am looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: I'm pregnant? Doctor: No it just looks like you are.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

There were three blondes going on a walk when they come across a river....

They don't know how to get across, but they decide to go to God for help. The first blonde says "please God, make me twice as smart as I am so I can get across this river" God hears this and decides to help, so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second blonde then says "please God make me ten times as smart so I can get across the river." God hears this and he turns her into a red head and she finds a boat on the river bank and goes across the river. The third one says "God, please make me one hundred times as smart so I can cross the river." So God turns her into a man and he uses the bridge.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How does an optometrist make love?

Better like this ... or better like this?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My first blowjob was like my first bike ride....

Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

what do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A weasel walks into a bar

And asks for a beer. The bartender says "we can't serve alcohol to you." "I'll just take a pop" goes the weasel.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine. In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first. ~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a magic lamp. Rabbit rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "You know the drill," he says. "You both get three wishes. What's it gonna be?" Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the entire forest were lady bears." And poof, it's done. Rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." And one appears in his paws. Bear says, "I wish all the other bears on this continent were lady bears." And so it's done. Rabbit says, "I wish for an electric scooter." And the genie makes it appear. Then the genie says, "All right, time for your last wish. What does your heart really desire?" Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the whole world were lady bears." And then Rabbit straps on his helmet, gets on his scooter, powers it up and says: "I wish Bear was gay."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Al Capone summons a man he lent money to

Al Capone gets his thugs to bring a man to him who has stolen $50,000 from him. Unfortunately the man speaks a language Al Capone, nor his thugs understand so they have to get a translator. Al Capone tells the translator, 'ask him where the money is' 'Where is the money' the translator says 'I won't tell you, rot in hell worthless scum!' replies the thief The translator tells Al Capone this and a sadistic grin spreads across his face, 'tell him we'll cut his balls off and feed them to his wife' he says The translator tells the prisoner this and he starts sweating and quickly replies, 'it's underneath the Ambassador Bridge!' Al Capone asks him what he said and the translator replies, 'he said fuck you'

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I left my iPhone 7 in my car seat

When I came back, the car window was broken. Someone had left another iPhone 7 in my car. So not fair!

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What does Ukraine have in common with the iPhone 7?

They both suffered the loss of one very important port.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why don't big trains have little trains?

They pull out on time.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why is I such a controlling letter?

Because I said so.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A businessman arrives in Japan and decides to get an escort for the night.

He turns off the light and proceeds to caress her. When he finally penetrates her she says 'machigatta ana'. He thinks nothing of it and starts banging her harder. She then starts screaming 'machigatta ana, machigatta ana'. He thinks to himself 'boy, she must really like it'. When he finishes she is almost wrecked and says in a tired voice 'machigatta ana'. He tells her 'I'm glad you liked it too'. After his meetings the following day he is invited to play golf with a Japanese group. He hits an amazing shot and punches the air screaming 'machigatta ana'. One of the Japanese looks at him and says: what do you mean by 'wrong hole'?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A blind person places hand over a grater

"Who wrote this crap?"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Donald Trump says he can "protect the Constitution"

Do people really think he can stop Nic Cage?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first?

Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The world is becoming too politically correct

You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say "Lamar can you please paint the fence".

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Two dinosaurs are having a conversation.

The male dinosaur says: "Mm-hmm." The female dinosaur responds: "Nuh-uh." Years and decades pass and the male dinosaur says again: "Mm-hmm." And again the female responds: "Nuh-uh." And that is how the dinosaurs went extinct.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A feminist once asked me, "What's your view on lesbians?"

I said, "1080p."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

3 Statisticians Go Hunting

They eventually spot a deer. The first shoots 5 meters above his head. The second shoots 5 meters below his head. Then the third yells out "We Got Him!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

You don't need a parachute to go sky diving

You need a parachute to go sky diving twice

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Wanna know something about whiteboards?

They're remarkable.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I gave up on my growing list of optometry jokes

They just kept getting cornea

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar

Now that's a sweet ass

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A blind man walks into a bar...

A blind man walks into a bar, orders a drink and says, "Hey! Does anyone want to hear a blonde joke?" Then the woman next to him taps his shoulder and says, "Listen mister, I'm a bodybuilder, 5 foot 9 of pure muscle, and I'm blonde. The bouncer over there, he's a martial arts expert and his hands are registered as lethal weapons! He's blonde too! And the bartender, she's 6 foot 2, is a roller derby star and is also a blonde! So do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?" To which the blind man replies... "Well not if I gotta explain it three times!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

At the Welfare office.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just *Hate* drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Dogs can't operate an MRI.

But cats can.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

whats the difference between the USA and a yogurt?

If you leave a yogurt unwatched for 500 years it will develop its own culture.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Life After Death

Hey grandma, do you think that life after death will be beautiful? Grandma: Well that depends, who died?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary...

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Irish Tenacity

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day. In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’ Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’ Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’ The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’ Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’ Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off' I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said 'Don't try this at home'.

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I like my coffee like I like my women...

with a big cup size.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

So a man comes into a bar.... no wait it was a horse

So a man comes into a horse

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A husband and wife discusstion

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

3 men in a boat with 4 cigarettes but no way to light them. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette away and the boat becomes one cigarette lighter.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Doing Drugs O o Going to Prison o O

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.” On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?” "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?” ”I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, “This is your asshole before going to prison.................."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A blonde was sitting at the first class seat on a plane...

The air stewardress tried to pursuade her to return back to economy, which she had bought. The blonde replied: "im blonde, im fabulous and im going to london." After much persuasion, the blonde still refused to move away. The air stewardress had no choice but to call upon the captain to tell her to move back to her seat. The air stewardress entered the cockpit, explained the situation and the captain nodded his head. He went to the blonde and whispered in her ear. The blonde immediately moved back to economy. The air stewardress, amazed, asked the captain what he said to the blonde. The captain replied: "simple, i told her first class aint going to london"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"The customer says, "Female"The counter guy asks, "Black or white?"The customer says, "White"The counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"The customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"The counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Nice Catch

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- ooking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply. 'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

85 year old Mr. Horwitz goes to see the priest to give a confession

"Father, forgive me, I have slept with another woman than my wife" the old man confesses. "Mr. Horwitz, didn't your wife pass about 10 years ago? In fact, I have seen you out dating other women in the last few years..." the Priest responds. "Yes, she did, Father, and I have dated, but this woman is younger -- much younger -- only 29." "Well, OK, Mr. Horwitz, I can help counsel you... but let me ask you ... Why are telling me? Aren't you Jewish?" "Me sleeping with a 29 year old? I'm telling everybody!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Vaginas are like the weather

If its wet, its time to go inside.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha Ching

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I have to catch the 4:23 train

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How many IT professionals does it take to change a lightbulb?

Have you tried turning it off and back on?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Because they are ugly and smell bad.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I ran out of toilet paper at Hartsfield/ATL. Then I remembered my mom had told me I could use pages from a book in a pinch.

I gotta say...it's really hard to wipe with an e-book.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The future

The world in 10 years... MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100... Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The One-Step Guide To Be A Hipster

1. Don't follow this guide.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Father wakes up his son and asks him a question.

What has 4 legs and isn't alive? It's a chair dad... Why are you bothering me with this?! No Jimmy, it's your dog...

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Several men were arrested when attempting to smuggle food additives into Cuba

They were dubbed the Pirates of the Carrageenan.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Where do facts come from?

The factory.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's similar about a shy jihad and a bagpipe

They only make noise once they've been blown up.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I once ate an entire pack of rope

I shit you knot.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My better half said period jokes aren't clever

So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I knew she'd come crawling to me..

I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I'd like to explain what happened before the big bang

Unfortunately there's no time

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school.......

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenny," he says. "And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?” Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?” A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says. "What is your question, Johnny?" she asks. "I have five questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny"?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Blonde Joke

An old visually impaired cattle rustler meanders into an all-young lady biker bar by misstep... He discovers his way to a bar stool and requests an injection of Jack Daniels. Subsequent to staying there for some time, he shouts to the barkeep, 'Hello, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar quickly falls completely quiet. In a profound, imposing voice, the lady by him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is not out of the question, given that you are visually impaired, that you ought to know five things: The barkeep is a blonde young lady with a polished ash. The bouncer is a blonde young lady with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde lady with a dark belt in karate. The lady sitting beside me is blonde and an expert weight lifter. The woman to your privilege is blonde and an expert wrestler. 'Presently, consider it truly, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The visually impaired cowhand thinks for a brief moment, shakes his head and mumbles, 'No...not in case I'm going to need to clarify it five times.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"" The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family." "OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad. The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff." "Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I try to teach my mom something new everyday

Because apparently you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine.

But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you do when you see a Flock of Seagulls?

You run. You run so far away.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My first time having sex was like my first time riding a bike

My dad was holding me from behind .

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I recently joined a nudist colony..

The first week was the hardest

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A rabbit needs to shit in the woods...

... but the animals have agreed in the sake of understandable issues not to crap all over the place where they live. And let me tell you they also appointed the local police-bear to watch out for any rule-breakers. Still, the rabbit is feeling a very hard urge to let go a few of his brown droplets in a secluded area. He knew that the fox did it and the bear didn't catch him so he had it going for him. Alas, the police-bear happened to be in the vicinity of the crime. He didn't see it happening but let me tell you he had a nose for these kind of things, he even caught a pair of birds shitting off of a tree branch. Now, the police-bear approaches the rabbit *"Did you shit in the woods, rabbit?"* The rabbit quickly covers his misdoing with his hat. *"No, sir, but as others might say, does the bear shit in the wood"* Rather angrily and not amused the police-bear answers *"Don't play smartass with me, I saw you covering your shit with your hat"* *"But sir I mean it, I have not shat here. You see I was catching a butterfly, that's what I covered with my hat"* *"Then lift your hat"* *"No can do, it will fly away"* The police-bear thinks, this rabbit won't outfox him like the fox did earlier. He readies his pistol and shoots a couple of rounds at the hat. "Now it won't fly away, lift your hat" *"Aye, sir"* and the rabbit slowly raises the hat, and as the police bear sees the shit beneath, the rabbit exclaims in a high pitched voice: *"**Fuck, bear, you shot the living crap out of it!**"*

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?

A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Stevie Wonder walks into a bar...

Then a table, then a chair.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I can't believe this happened

I was on the toilet, and shortly after I sat down I heard from the stall next door, "Hi, how are you?". Embarrassed but not wanting to be rude I said "doing fine?" Then I hear them ask "So what are you up to?". ?!?! "Um..." I said "Same as you I'd guess. Just sitting here." Then I'm completely caught off guard when asked "Can I come over?" "I'm kind of busy at the moment" Annoyed I responded. Then I hear "Listen, I'll call you back later, the idiot in the next stall is answering all of my questions."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally

I think she's a keeper

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My math teacher said I was average.

How mean!

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Old man and teenage boy sitting on a bus..

There was an old man sitting next to a teenage boy on the bus. The teenager had a long Mohawk with several different colors dyed into it. The old man keeps staring at the teenage boy's hair until the kid snaps and says, "what old man you've never done anything crazy before ?" The old man replies, " I once fucked a peacock I was wondering if you were my son.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man goes into his doctor feeling really nervous

He asks his doctor "can you keep a secret?" The doctor replies "Yes I can, doctor patient confidentiality." The man looks around to make sure nobody can hear him, then he whispers to the doctor "Between you and me, there are five testicles in this room." The doctor looks at him with a blank expression, then replies "So, you're telling me you only have one?"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I'm not fat, i'm half-Bulemic.

I eat everything i see, but i can't throw up.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

"A touching story"

One day a girl was walking from school... On the way home she saw a cat by the road lying dead. The girl went and touched the cat to see if it would respond but there was no response.. She touched it again still no response... She then touched it again and again and again. As i said its a touching story...

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Let's Talk

A stranger was seated next to Ken on an empty flight to England. The stranger turned to Ken and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.” Ken, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “Okay, what would you like to talk about?” “I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?” “Okay,” said Ken. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?” “Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.” “Well then,” said Ken, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?” ^Credit ^to ^Lawrence ^Dorfman ^in ^*The ^Snarks ^Handbook*

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

After all, if you can't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she won't tell your wife?

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

You can't milk a cow for 15 years.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking.

Stupid mosquitoes!