Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

instruction stringclasses 1 value	input stringlengths 1 300	output stringlengths 1 2k
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My Late Grandfather's Favorite Joke: The proctologist and the cardiologist	A proctologist and a cardiologist are closing their tab. The bartender brings the check. The proctologist says "they're on me" while reaching into his shirt-pocket. He proceeds to pull out a thermometer and exclaims, "Great, some ass-hole walked off with my pen"!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I heard a crazy train engineer in Mexico killed a bunch of people last week.	Yeah. He had a loco motive.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I told my husband I'm pregnant.	He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church?	She wanted a high paying missionary position.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home	One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I’m going home now.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My German plumber accidentally hooked up my gas line to my shower...	Looks like old habits die hard.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?	Reintarnation.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	(Corny)-What do you call a mermaid on a roof?	Aerial
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A dying man	A man is driving to meet a friend at her house, a pretty girl whom he has a crush on. He plans to ask her on a date. He's having second thoughts and is beyond nervous. Suddenly, an 18-wheeler slams into the side of his car, totalling it and nearly killing him. Around the operating table, surgeons debate how they're going to save him. One suggests that his critical condition is a result of his organs being rearranged in the accident. "We have to put them back," he says. So the head surgeon quickly removes the dying man's intestines and stomach and works his way up. "I think I severed one of the intestines," he says to the others. "What?!" exclaims another. "The poor man, he was just on his way to ask a woman on a date." "Well," the first surgeon continues, "he has no guts, but his heart's in the right place."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why are Iranian women always eating?	They can't stop getting stoned
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does the sign on an out of business brothel say?	Beat it, we're closed!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Hey girl , is the cosine of you positive?	Cos you're acute angle.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I tried to make a living mixing audio files to the left and right	...but it didn't really pan out.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call an angry witch?	Ribbit.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the difference between a Caucasian and an Asian?	A Cauc.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two silkworms are in a race. What is the result?	A tie.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I recently invented a new word to describe a lot of the jokes on the subreddit.	Plagiarism.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.	The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....” “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks. The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy walks into a pub in his pyjamas holding a drip on a metal stand	He says to the Barman "I'll have 4 pints of Guinness, 4 pints of lager, 2 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, 5 shots of Sambuca, and a jaegerbomb" As the barman starts pouring the drinks and lining them up and the bar the guy starts picking them up and downing them in one. Drinking them as quickly as they are being poured. The barman gets to the final drink of jaegerbomb and the guy picks it up slams it down in one and he says to the Barman... "I shouldn't be drinking these with what I've got" "Why?" Asked the barman "what have you got?" "About £3.50"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy comes home drunk	A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?” There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!” Probably already been posted but it is one of my favorite
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two straight guys and a gay guy went on a cruise.....	.......with their significant others. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny." Then came the second straight guy."Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My wife and I decided that we don't want to have children anymore.	So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring one.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A cop pulls a driver over for speeding	The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit." The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?" "Yeah... What's that got to do with it?" "Did you catch all the fish?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Granny's wisdom	In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defence attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Baby monitors are magical	When I turn it off my baby stops crying
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a rock put on when it stinks?	Geodorant.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a nun in a car?	Virgin Mobile
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A grandfather takes his grandson on a fishing trip.	It's about midday, and the grandfather reaches in the cooler and pulls out a beer. The boy looks over, excited, and says, "Well I say Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I have one?" The Grandfather thinks for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?" Bashful, and confused, the boy stammers out his response. "I.. well... no. It's not big enough yet." The Grandfather smiles and says, "Well, m'boy, you aren't old enough then." The boy mumbles something under his breath, reaches into the cooler, and retrieves his sack lunch. He starts eating a sandwich his mother packed for him. A little while later, Grandpa pulls a cigarette out of his breast pocket and lights it. The boy decides to try his luck again. "Well, I say, Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I try one of those?" He smiles hopefully. Grandpa smirks. "Boy, what did I say? Can your dick touch your asshole or not?" The boy sighs. "No, it can't." "Then you're not old enough, are ya?" The Grandpa looks pretty pleased with himself while he puffs on his cigarette. The boy reaches into his sack, pulls out some cookies, and starts eating them. "Well, I say, boy! Those look pretty good! Can I have one of your cookies?" Grandpa asks. The boy thinks about it for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?" His grandfather sits up proudly and exclaims, "Why yes I can!" The boy smiles. "Good. Go fuck yourself then. These are my cookies."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...	...so I have to fill her slot instead.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a hen staring at lettuce?	Chicken sees-a salad
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How are cats like empty wine bottles?	I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...	It was secondhand.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	(Corny)-Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard?	Cuz everyone was dying to get in.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.	Looked pretty plane to me.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...	"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?" Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself. "Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...	I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A mortician is working late...	when his assistant comes out of the back and says "you won't believe this! This dead woman has a shrimp in her pussy!" The mortician says, "no way, that's ridiculous." They both go back to where the bodies are kept and the assistant points and says, "look, right there. That's a shrimp in her pussy." The mortician says, "That's not a shrimp. That's her clitoris." The assistant replies, "well it sure tastes like shrimp!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Lawyer walks into a bar	Well, technically, he wasn't a lawyer yet...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What are two things you don't pick up in New Jersey?	The trash and the women.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	lady sneezes on a plane	The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How to win an argument with a deaf girl?	Turn off the lights.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a subtle Norse god?	Low-key
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	said to my wife...	I can make a car out of noodles. NO YOU CAN'T she said. ...should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A scientist, a doctor and a janitor discover an old lamp...	The scientist rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out! "Thank you for releasing me!" said the genie, "You can have anything you like, providing you do one days work of a different profession. You may choose what you want to do." The scientist goes first, "Well I've always thought that being a kindergarten teacher would be an easy job." BAM! The scientist is transported to a kindergarten. The scientist begins his lesson by assigning the children a spelling test but the children are a rowdy bunch and after 10 minutes of having various stationary thrown at him he snapped his pencils and quit. The doctor goes next, "Well being a waiter seems an easy job, just taking orders for people all day. I'd like to do that." BAM! The doctor is transported to a busy restaurant. After dealing with unruly customers for an hour, he finally loses his patience when a customer complains about his food. He drops his plates and storms out of the restaurant. The janitor then takes his turn, "Well I'd love to be an artist." BAM! He was transported to the kindergarten where he made a sculpture out of the various broken stationary. He then walked over to the busy restaurant and did the same with the broken plates. An arts dealer saw his work, came over and gave him £1 million for both sculptures. The genie was flabbergasted, "Wow," he said, "Where did you learn to do that?" "Well," the janitor said, "I have an art degree."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is leather clothing good for sneaking?	It's made of hide
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man goes to the doctor...	Man: 'Doctor, I always have to pee at night. Every night! Isn't that weird?' The doctors answers: 'Well, it's quite common actually. That's all?' M: 'Hmm no, I don't think so. Oh wait! Every time I open the door to the bathroom, the light automatically goes on! Isn't that strange?' The doctor looks doubtful to the man and responds: 'Well I can't do anything about that, I'm sorry.' The man goes home and the doctor overthinks the conversation. Still confused about why the lamp automatically goes on, he calls the wife of the man and tells about the light in the bathroom. The wife answers: 'Oh, so that's the one who has been pissing all over the fridge?!'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...	An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of. He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!" Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!" The old man, being persistent said "Fine, $1,000 dollars to lick your nipples! That's a fair offer." To which the lady replied "What kind of woman do you think I am? Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!" The old man, still not giving up, says "$10,000 dollars to lick your nipples, final offer!" The lady's eyes got huge and she said "Well.... 10 grand is a lot of money....I guess if no one was around us then maybe...." The old man says "Great! Let's just go back behind this bar where nobody is and then we'll be out of sight!" The old man leads the beautiful lady to the back of the bar. She says, "Let's get this over with." She drops down her dress far enough to where her breasts are fully exposed. The old man starts squeezing on them, rubbing his face all over and in between them, pinching the nipples softly with his fingers and kissing all over her breasts. She finally speaks up and says, "Are you going to lick my nipples or not? Let's get this over with!" The old man replied, "Nope! Too expensive!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Three logicians walk into another bar	The bartender asks: "Does anyone want a drink?" The first logician says: "Yes!" The second logician says: "Yes!" The third logician says: "Yes!" The bartender pours drinks for all of them. The second logician says: "I didn't want a drink." The third logician says: "Neither did I."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why is the number of black priests so small?	Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many emos does it take to screw in a light bulb?	No one knows. When the light turns on they scatter.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I'm 34 and live with my mom. Just kidding...	... I'm 33.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket...	Hey, son. Check out how far i can kick this bucket.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?	Only one. They hold the bulb and expect the world to revolve around them. Edit: missed the y in they Thanks u/HapaHeather
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	This little old lady goes to the doctor	and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent." The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile..	Because you are a joke.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Whistleblower reveals that the government is concealing cracks in Hoover Dam.	FBI is still looking for concrete evidence.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dark humor is like food...	...Not everyone gets it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A group of protesters gather outside a physics lab	"What do we want?" "Time travel" "When do we want it?" "Irrelevant"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Today I had a second helping of hummus.	I was arrested for double hummus-ide.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call someone who takes things literally?	A kleptomaniac!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do clowns make bad entrepreneurs?	Because they're into some funny business
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the chicken fall in the well?	He couldn't see that well.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A logician's wife is having a baby	The doctor hands the newborn immediately to the Father. His wife asks impatiently: "well, is it a boy or a girl?" The logician replies: "yes"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A billionaire commissions an artist to paint a mural in one of his currently white walls in his mansion...	The billionaire is a huge history buff. He tells the artist to depict his interpretation of the final thoughts of General Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn. He trusts the highly recommended artist that upon his return in a week, the mural will be incredible. The billionaire returns a week later to see the work completed. He's aghast when the mural is a massive bovine with angel wings and a halo hovering above a field of native Americans having a disgraceful orgy. They are double-teaming, 69'ing, wheelbarrowing, fisting, and other debauchery. He calls the artist on his commune's public phone and lays into him. "What the hell is this?" "Well, after thinking about it long and hard, I decided his last thoughts were: Holy cow; that's a lot of fucking Indians."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	When I first got my student loans, I thought they were great.	Now, they're outstanding!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	You don't get many homeless gay men,	which is a shame because they would be fucking bums.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why do Italian men wear gold chains?	So they know where to stop shaving.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.	OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where does a mansplainer get his water?	From a well, actually.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Relationships are like algebra	You always look at your x and try to figure out y.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My dog saw a sign on a wall that said "wet paint"...	So he did.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"	So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the melons have a big wedding?	Well, they cantaloupe
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Today at the bank, a little old lady asked me to help check her balance.	So, I pushed her over.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla?	People actually care if a gorilla dies.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I asked my cat "Who is your favorite President of China?"	According to her it's Mao.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Jokes are like frogs...	they die when you dissect them
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So a Muslim man walks into an elementary school...	To pick up his wives
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I saw an ironing board with wrinkles in it	I thought that was pretty ironic.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Internet Explorer is so slow	If this video takes any longer, the girl in it will be a legal age
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the pervert cross the road?	His dick was stuck in the chicken
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	so that's the reason	Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.	But I couldn't find a manual.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.	The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..." The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they need to know, or more." Some time later, the first professor goes to the men's room. The other mathematician beckons to the waitress and says, "Next time you come to our table, I am going to ask you a question. No matter what I ask, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared'. Please don't mess it up and there's an extra tip coming your way." The waitress agrees. When the first mathematician returns, his companion says, "So lets put your theory to the test. I am going to ask some random person who comes by our table an elementary calculus question, and we'll see if they can solve it." Soon the waitress comes by and he says, "Excuse me, Miss, can you bring me more tea, please -- and by the way -- can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?" The waitress replies, "Certainly sir, more tea it is. And it's x-squared." The mathematician says, "See! What did I tell you?" His friend is dumbfounded. The waitress, meanwhile, goes to bring tea, and, having turned her back on the two professors, mutters under her breath: "Plus a constant."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack	And buried him in it.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Nazi Redditor walks into a B.A.R	He died.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a homosexual Frenchman?	A faguette.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man has been unemployed for a long time...	finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the clowns a 'bleeding face' effect. Mid-job, covered in paint, and late into the evening, the police spot him and surround him with guns drawn. "No, No" he screams, "you don't understand! I'm a red It poster!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you fix a deaf car?	With an engineer.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation.	They walk past a fancy restaurant and the wife says " mmm that place smells amazing!". The Husband replies " You're right it does smell really good. If you want on the way back to the hotel we can walk by this same place again"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A guy walks into a bar	Tells the bartender "I'll bet you $100.00 I can chug your biggest pitcher of beer in less than 10 seconds" Bartender gives him a gallon pitcher and the guy chugs it in 9 seconds so bartender pays him. A little while later the guy says "I'll bet you another $100.00 I can chug two of those pitchers in less than 10 seconds" Bartender figures the first time took 9 seconds so takes the bet. Sure enough the guy slams two gallons in 9.5 seconds. A little while later he calls the bartender back over - this time the bartender says "I'm done betting with you" The guys says "here me out, the bet is $500.00 you take your smallest shot glass, place it 4 feet in front of me on the bar, I will stand on the bar and piss in it, fill it to the top and not spill a drop" Bartender says "you're on!" - places the shot glass, the guy stands on the bar and pisses everywhere, not a single drop in the glass. As the bartender collects his winnings and is laughing as he is wiping up the piss he sees the guy smiling. The bartender asks "hey, what's up, I just won back my $200.00 plus another $300.00 and you seem happy" The guy replies "well yeah, you see that guy over in the corner crying? Well I bet him $2,000.00 that I would stand up, piss all over your bar and you would wipe it up with a smile!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A son asks his dad what's the difference between Confident and Confidential	The dad explains: You are my son of that I am confident. Your friend Billy across the street is also my son, that is Confidential edit grammar for /r/Fudgegoblin
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Forget everything you learned in college...	'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Politician (noun):	Someone who will lay down your life for his country.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?	It's already run out of battery.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman get captured by Iraqis during the first gulf war...	They get taken to an Iraqi military base in the middle of the desert. Saddam Hussein himself is there, and explains to them that they're at a secret location the allies don't know about so there's no chance of a rescue but they're only 50 miles from the Kuwait border. He says they're welcome to use any of the vehicles & equipment on the base to escape to Kuwait, and if they make it to the border they're free to go as his men will not shoot over it. The catch is, they get a 5 minute head start before the full might of the Iraqi army starts hunting them. So the Englishman says "I'll take that turbocharged jeep", the Iraqis turn their backs while the Englishman jumps in the jeep & speeds off towards the border. 5 minutes later Saddam sends an attack helicopter which easily catches him up & blows him to bits. The Scotsman then thinks for a moment and says "I'll use that helicopter" so the Iraqis turn their backs as he jumps in the attack helicopter that got the Englishman & speeds off towards the border. 5 minutes later they launch a surface to air missile that blows the Scotsman out of the sky. Smugly, the Iraqis turn to the Irishman and say "Well? What do you want?" To which the Irishman replies "I'll have a duck and 4 springs, please." The Iraqis are puzzled, but they round up the stuff, give it to the Irishman and turn their backs. 5 minutes later there's no sign of him at all. Saddam launches everything to hunt him, to no avail. They find him sitting on the other side of the border, having apparently been there for quite some time. "How the hell did you do that?" asks Saddam, both bewildered & impressed by the speed of his journey, to which the Irishman replies; "Foursprung duck technique".
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the cow return to the marijuana field?	It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine	As I got older I realized it was just a phase
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?	Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get offa' my cloud." A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get offa' my ewe."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I wrote a song about a tortilla...	Well, actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My Late Grandfather's Favorite Joke: The proctologist and the cardiologist

A proctologist and a cardiologist are closing their tab. The bartender brings the check. The proctologist says "they're on me" while reaching into his shirt-pocket. He proceeds to pull out a thermometer and exclaims, "Great, some *ass-hole* walked off with my pen"!

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I heard a crazy train engineer in Mexico killed a bunch of people last week.

Yeah. He had a loco motive.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I told my husband I'm pregnant.

He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church?

She wanted a high paying missionary position.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home

One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: Who just threw that? Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My German plumber accidentally hooked up my gas line to my shower...

Looks like old habits die hard.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

Reintarnation.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

(Corny)-What do you call a mermaid on a roof?

Aerial

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A dying man

A man is driving to meet a friend at her house, a pretty girl whom he has a crush on. He plans to ask her on a date. He's having second thoughts and is beyond nervous. Suddenly, an 18-wheeler slams into the side of his car, totalling it and nearly killing him. Around the operating table, surgeons debate how they're going to save him. One suggests that his critical condition is a result of his organs being rearranged in the accident. "We have to put them back," he says. So the head surgeon quickly removes the dying man's intestines and stomach and works his way up. "I think I severed one of the intestines," he says to the others. "What?!" exclaims another. "The poor man, he was just on his way to ask a woman on a date." "Well," the first surgeon continues, "he has no guts, but his heart's in the right place."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why are Iranian women always eating?

They can't stop getting stoned

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What does the sign on an out of business brothel say?

Beat it, we're closed!

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Hey girl , is the cosine of you positive?

Cos you're acute angle.

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I tried to make a living mixing audio files to the left and right

...but it didn't really pan out.

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What do you call an angry witch?

Ribbit.

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What is the difference between a Caucasian and an Asian?

A Cauc.

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Two silkworms are in a race. What is the result?

A tie.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I recently invented a new word to describe a lot of the jokes on the subreddit.

Plagiarism.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?” “Terrorists have kidnapped Congress. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car collecting donations....” “How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks. The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

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A guy walks into a pub in his pyjamas holding a drip on a metal stand

He says to the Barman "I'll have 4 pints of Guinness, 4 pints of lager, 2 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, 5 shots of Sambuca, and a jaegerbomb" As the barman starts pouring the drinks and lining them up and the bar the guy starts picking them up and downing them in one. Drinking them as quickly as they are being poured. The barman gets to the final drink of jaegerbomb and the guy picks it up slams it down in one and he says to the Barman... "I shouldn't be drinking these with what I've got" "Why?" Asked the barman "what have you got?" "About £3.50"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A guy comes home drunk

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!” The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?” There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!” Probably already been posted but it is one of my favorite

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Two straight guys and a gay guy went on a cruise.....

.......with their significant others. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny." Then came the second straight guy."Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My wife and I decided that we don't want to have children anymore.

So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring one.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A cop pulls a driver over for speeding

The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit." The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?" "Yeah... What's that got to do with it?" "Did you catch *all* the fish?"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Granny's wisdom

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defence attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Baby monitors are magical

When I turn it off my baby stops crying

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What does a rock put on when it stinks?

Geodorant.

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What do you call a nun in a car?

Virgin Mobile

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A grandfather takes his grandson on a fishing trip.

It's about midday, and the grandfather reaches in the cooler and pulls out a beer. The boy looks over, excited, and says, "Well I say Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I have one?" The Grandfather thinks for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?" Bashful, and confused, the boy stammers out his response. "I.. well... no. It's not big enough yet." The Grandfather smiles and says, "Well, m'boy, you aren't old enough then." The boy mumbles something under his breath, reaches into the cooler, and retrieves his sack lunch. He starts eating a sandwich his mother packed for him. A little while later, Grandpa pulls a cigarette out of his breast pocket and lights it. The boy decides to try his luck again. "Well, I say, Grandpa! That looks pretty good! Can I try one of those?" He smiles hopefully. Grandpa smirks. "Boy, what did I say? Can your dick touch your asshole or not?" The boy sighs. "No, it can't." "Then you're not old enough, are ya?" The Grandpa looks pretty pleased with himself while he puffs on his cigarette. The boy reaches into his sack, pulls out some cookies, and starts eating them. "Well, I say, boy! Those look pretty good! Can I have one of your cookies?" Grandpa asks. The boy thinks about it for a moment and asks, "Can you make your dick touch your asshole?" His grandfather sits up proudly and exclaims, "Why yes I can!" The boy smiles. "Good. Go fuck yourself then. These are *my* cookies."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...

...so I have to fill her slot instead.

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What do you call a hen staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees-a salad

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How are cats like empty wine bottles?

I'm probably gonna die surrounded by both.

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An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

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(Corny)-Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard?

Cuz everyone was dying to get in.

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I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.

Looked pretty plane to me.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?" Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself. "Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A mortician is working late...

when his assistant comes out of the back and says "you won't believe this! This dead woman has a shrimp in her pussy!" The mortician says, "no way, that's ridiculous." They both go back to where the bodies are kept and the assistant points and says, "look, right there. That's a shrimp in her pussy." The mortician says, "That's not a shrimp. That's her clitoris." The assistant replies, "well it sure tastes like shrimp!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Lawyer walks into a bar

Well, technically, he wasn't a lawyer yet...

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What are two things you don't pick up in New Jersey?

The trash and the women.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper.”

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How to win an argument with a deaf girl?

Turn off the lights.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What do you call a subtle Norse god?

Low-key

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

said to my wife...

I can make a car out of noodles. NO YOU CAN'T she said. ...should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A scientist, a doctor and a janitor discover an old lamp...

The scientist rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie pops out! "Thank you for releasing me!" said the genie, "You can have anything you like, providing you do one days work of a different profession. You may choose what you want to do." The scientist goes first, "Well I've always thought that being a kindergarten teacher would be an easy job." BAM! The scientist is transported to a kindergarten. The scientist begins his lesson by assigning the children a spelling test but the children are a rowdy bunch and after 10 minutes of having various stationary thrown at him he snapped his pencils and quit. The doctor goes next, "Well being a waiter seems an easy job, just taking orders for people all day. I'd like to do that." BAM! The doctor is transported to a busy restaurant. After dealing with unruly customers for an hour, he finally loses his patience when a customer complains about his food. He drops his plates and storms out of the restaurant. The janitor then takes his turn, "Well I'd love to be an artist." BAM! He was transported to the kindergarten where he made a sculpture out of the various broken stationary. He then walked over to the busy restaurant and did the same with the broken plates. An arts dealer saw his work, came over and gave him £1 million for both sculptures. The genie was flabbergasted, "Wow," he said, "Where did you learn to do that?" "Well," the janitor said, "I have an art degree."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why is leather clothing good for sneaking?

It's made of hide

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man goes to the doctor...

Man: 'Doctor, I always have to pee at night. Every night! Isn't that weird?' The doctors answers: 'Well, it's quite common actually. That's all?' M: 'Hmm no, I don't think so. Oh wait! Every time I open the door to the bathroom, the light automatically goes on! Isn't that strange?' The doctor looks doubtful to the man and responds: 'Well I can't do anything about that, I'm sorry.' The man goes home and the doctor overthinks the conversation. Still confused about why the lamp automatically goes on, he calls the wife of the man and tells about the light in the bathroom. The wife answers: 'Oh, so that's the one who has been pissing all over the fridge?!'

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of. He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!" Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!" The old man, being persistent said "Fine, $1,000 dollars to lick your nipples! That's a fair offer." To which the lady replied "What kind of woman do you think I am? Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!" The old man, still not giving up, says "$10,000 dollars to lick your nipples, final offer!" The lady's eyes got huge and she said "Well.... 10 grand is a lot of money....I guess if no one was around us then maybe...." The old man says "Great! Let's just go back behind this bar where nobody is and then we'll be out of sight!" The old man leads the beautiful lady to the back of the bar. She says, "Let's get this over with." She drops down her dress far enough to where her breasts are fully exposed. The old man starts squeezing on them, rubbing his face all over and in between them, pinching the nipples softly with his fingers and kissing all over her breasts. She finally speaks up and says, "Are you going to lick my nipples or not? Let's get this over with!" The old man replied, "Nope! Too expensive!"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Three logicians walk into another bar

The bartender asks: "Does anyone want a drink?" The first logician says: "Yes!" The second logician says: "Yes!" The third logician says: "Yes!" The bartender pours drinks for all of them. The second logician says: "I didn't want a drink." The third logician says: "Neither did I."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How many emos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

No one knows. When the light turns on they scatter.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I'm 34 and live with my mom. Just kidding...

... I'm 33.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket...

Hey, son. Check out how far i can kick this bucket.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one. They hold the bulb and expect the world to revolve around them. Edit: missed the y in they Thanks u/HapaHeather

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

This little old lady goes to the doctor

and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent." The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

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Always remember that you're someone's reason to smile..

Because you are a joke.

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Whistleblower reveals that the government is concealing cracks in Hoover Dam.

FBI is still looking for concrete evidence.

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Dark humor is like food...

...Not everyone gets it.

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A group of protesters gather outside a physics lab

"What do we want?" "Time travel" "When do we want it?" "Irrelevant"

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Today I had a second helping of hummus.

I was arrested for double hummus-ide.

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What do you call someone who takes things literally?

A kleptomaniac!

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Why do clowns make bad entrepreneurs?

Because they're into some funny business

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Why did the chicken fall in the well?

He couldn't see that well.

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A logician's wife is having a baby

The doctor hands the newborn immediately to the Father. His wife asks impatiently: "well, is it a boy or a girl?" The logician replies: "yes"

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A billionaire commissions an artist to paint a mural in one of his currently white walls in his mansion...

The billionaire is a huge history buff. He tells the artist to depict his interpretation of the final thoughts of General Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn. He trusts the highly recommended artist that upon his return in a week, the mural will be incredible. The billionaire returns a week later to see the work completed. He's aghast when the mural is a massive bovine with angel wings and a halo hovering above a field of native Americans having a disgraceful orgy. They are double-teaming, 69'ing, wheelbarrowing, fisting, and other debauchery. He calls the artist on his commune's public phone and lays into him. "What the hell is this?" "Well, after thinking about it long and hard, I decided his last thoughts were: Holy cow; that's a lot of fucking Indians."

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When I first got my student loans, I thought they were great.

Now, they're outstanding!

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You don't get many homeless gay men,

which is a shame because they would be fucking bums.

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Why do Italian men wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.

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Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.

OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!

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Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually.

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Relationships are like algebra

You always look at your x and try to figure out y.

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My dog saw a sign on a wall that said "wet paint"...

So he did.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A police officer pulled me over and said "Sir, please identify yourself"

So I took out a mirror and replied "yeah, it's me"

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Why did the melons have a big wedding?

Well, they cantaloupe

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Today at the bank, a little old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So, I pushed her over.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla?

People actually care if a gorilla dies.

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I asked my cat "Who is your favorite President of China?"

According to her it's Mao.

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Jokes are like frogs...

they die when you dissect them

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So a Muslim man walks into an elementary school...

To pick up his wives

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I saw an ironing board with wrinkles in it

I thought that was pretty ironic.

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Internet Explorer is so slow

If this video takes any longer, the girl in it will be a legal age

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Why did the pervert cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

so that's the reason

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

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I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find a manual.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Two mathematics professors are sitting in a restaurant.

The first one says: "The average person is, mathematically, an idiot. People don't know algebra, can't figure out percents, can't read a simple graph, and don't even get me started on calculus..." The second professor disagrees, "Surely you're exaggerating. Most people know all the math they need to know, or more." Some time later, the first professor goes to the men's room. The other mathematician beckons to the waitress and says, "Next time you come to our table, I am going to ask you a question. No matter what I ask, I want you to answer by saying 'x-squared'. Please don't mess it up and there's an extra tip coming your way." The waitress agrees. When the first mathematician returns, his companion says, "So lets put your theory to the test. I am going to ask some random person who comes by our table an elementary calculus question, and we'll see if they can solve it." Soon the waitress comes by and he says, "Excuse me, Miss, can you bring me more tea, please -- and by the way -- can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?" The waitress replies, "Certainly sir, more tea it is. And it's x-squared." The mathematician says, "See! What did I tell you?" His friend is dumbfounded. The waitress, meanwhile, goes to bring tea, and, having turned her back on the two professors, mutters under her breath: "Plus a constant."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

I argued constantly with my boss, so in the end I got the sack

And buried him in it.

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A Nazi Redditor walks into a B.A.R

He died.

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What do you call a homosexual Frenchman?

A faguette.

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A man has been unemployed for a long time...

finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the clowns a 'bleeding face' effect. Mid-job, covered in paint, and late into the evening, the police spot him and surround him with guns drawn. "No, No" he screams, "you don't understand! I'm a red It poster!"

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How do you fix a deaf car?

With an engin*eer.*

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A jewish couple where walking the streets of Rome on vacation.

They walk past a fancy restaurant and the wife says " mmm that place smells amazing!". The Husband replies " You're right it does smell really good. If you want on the way back to the hotel we can walk by this same place again"

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A guy walks into a bar

Tells the bartender "I'll bet you $100.00 I can chug your biggest pitcher of beer in less than 10 seconds" Bartender gives him a gallon pitcher and the guy chugs it in 9 seconds so bartender pays him. A little while later the guy says "I'll bet you another $100.00 I can chug two of those pitchers in less than 10 seconds" Bartender figures the first time took 9 seconds so takes the bet. Sure enough the guy slams two gallons in 9.5 seconds. A little while later he calls the bartender back over - this time the bartender says "I'm done betting with you" The guys says "here me out, the bet is $500.00 you take your smallest shot glass, place it 4 feet in front of me on the bar, I will stand on the bar and piss in it, fill it to the top and not spill a drop" Bartender says "you're on!" - places the shot glass, the guy stands on the bar and pisses everywhere, not a single drop in the glass. As the bartender collects his winnings and is laughing as he is wiping up the piss he sees the guy smiling. The bartender asks "hey, what's up, I just won back my $200.00 plus another $300.00 and you seem happy" The guy replies "well yeah, you see that guy over in the corner crying? Well I bet him $2,000.00 that I would stand up, piss all over your bar and you would wipe it up with a smile!"

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A son asks his dad what's the difference between Confident and Confidential

The dad explains: You are my son of that I am confident. Your friend Billy across the street is also my son, that is Confidential edit grammar for /r/Fudgegoblin

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Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Politician (noun):

Someone who will lay down your life for his country.

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How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman get captured by Iraqis during the first gulf war...

They get taken to an Iraqi military base in the middle of the desert. Saddam Hussein himself is there, and explains to them that they're at a secret location the allies don't know about so there's no chance of a rescue but they're only 50 miles from the Kuwait border. He says they're welcome to use any of the vehicles & equipment on the base to escape to Kuwait, and if they make it to the border they're free to go as his men will not shoot over it. The catch is, they get a 5 minute head start before the full might of the Iraqi army starts hunting them. So the Englishman says "I'll take that turbocharged jeep", the Iraqis turn their backs while the Englishman jumps in the jeep & speeds off towards the border. 5 minutes later Saddam sends an attack helicopter which easily catches him up & blows him to bits. The Scotsman then thinks for a moment and says "I'll use that helicopter" so the Iraqis turn their backs as he jumps in the attack helicopter that got the Englishman & speeds off towards the border. 5 minutes later they launch a surface to air missile that blows the Scotsman out of the sky. Smugly, the Iraqis turn to the Irishman and say "Well? What do you want?" To which the Irishman replies "I'll have a duck and 4 springs, please." The Iraqis are puzzled, but they round up the stuff, give it to the Irishman and turn their backs. 5 minutes later there's no sign of him at all. Saddam launches everything to hunt him, to no avail. They find him sitting on the other side of the border, having apparently been there for quite some time. "How the hell did you do that?" asks Saddam, both bewildered & impressed by the speed of his journey, to which the Irishman replies; "Foursprung duck technique".

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Why did the cow return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

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As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase

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What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get offa' my cloud." A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get offa' my ewe."

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I wrote a song about a tortilla...

Well, actually, it’s more of a wrap.