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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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National Poetry Contest - Timbuktu
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For the record, this is not my joke. I heard somebody tell it then found it online. " The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu". First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination---Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a-huntin went, Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. The redneck won hands down!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man was hiking in a forest when he sees a big post...
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"this is the gaymen forest".. he thinks it's a joke and moves on. As he walks, he sees more and more posts that say "this is the gaymen forest" and that get smaller and smaller. At a certain point, he sees a tiny post, close to the ground. He bends over to read it and sees "It's too late now, buddy! Told ya !"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How to Save a Life
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Joe and Billy-Bob, two of the most country boys that ever did live, were sitting down in a resturant visiting the big city. The meal was going well until they saw a woman across the resturant stand up gasping and holding her throat. "Help she's choking!" someone shouted, and panic ensued. People were screaming, children were crying, and the poor choking woman was turning blue. Billy-Bob knew it was his time to act. He stood up, walked over the woman, pulled up her skirt and ran his tongue right up and down her butt cheek. The woman was so shocked she gasped once, coughed, and the offending piece of food flew across the room. Billy-Bob calmly walked back over to his table and sat down. Joe looked at his friend and said "Where you learn to do that at?" Billy-Bob took a sip of his drink and told his friend, "Well I heard of that there Hind Lick maneuver on TV for chokin' folks, never actually thought it would work though."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A guy goes to a Rabbi
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and complains "You wouldn't believe what happened to me. Somebody stole my bicycle from synagogue." The rabbi is appalled. He can't believe it. He offers a solution to catch the thief. He says " Come to synagogue next week and sit in the front row. As we go on with the 10 commandments, turn around and look at everyone in the eyes. When we get to Thou shall not Steal, see who can't look you in the eyes. That person is the thief". The guy loves the idea and agrees to try this. He comes to the synagogue next week and sits in the front row and looks everyone in the eyes during the 10 commandments. He comes to the rabbi at the end of the service and thanks him "What a fantastic idea! It worked like a charm. The moment we got to Thou shall not commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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While we still don't know the motivations or the thought process behind the Boston Bombings
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I think it's safe to say that the perpetrators are racists.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Blonde on her way to Disneyland...
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...saw a sign that said "Disneyland, Left", so she turned around and went home.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two kids a mom a lawyer and a priest are on an airplane.
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The airplane starts going down and there is only two parachutes. The mother says, save the kids! The lawyer says,FUCK THE KIDS! and the priest says do we have enough time?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An ancient Chinese story
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Long ago in ancient China, the Wong brothers ruled 2 kingdoms, side by side. Life was well, until a neighboring kingdom decided to invade both the brother's domains. Citizens were killed and villages were burned to the ground. Desperate, the brothers turned to magic. Meeting up, they devised a magical ceremony and went through with it. It was successful, and the enemies turn and ran while the destruction was reversed. Ecstatic, one brother had his transcript detail the ceremony, just in case they had to perform it again. Why is this important? It was the first time in recorded history that 2 Wongs made a rite.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
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after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him. "Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him. "Yes there is," he replies. "I would like some breakfast"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two guys go on a Moose Hunt
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They are out in the woods on the first day of the hunt and see a big mature bull moose, after attempting some moose calls for what seemed like forever they eventually went back to camp feeling a little down. So the next day they go back out and try to find this bull moose. After walking around the woods all day they finally found the big mature bull moose it was chasing a cow moose. So the first guy says hey I have an idea, follow me back to camp. They get back to camp and the guy says lets dress up in a cow moose costume and then when the big ole bull moose comes up well pop out and shoot him. So they get in the costume and are walking through a meadow when all of the sudden they see the big mature bull moose walking straight at them. It must weigh 3000 pounds with a 8 foot wide rack and a swinging dick about the size of a Louisville Slugger. The guy in the back of the costume tries to pop out and shoot him, but the zipper was stuck so he says hey buddy what should I do? The guy in the front of the costume said well I am gonna nibble some flowers but you better bite your lip because it looks like he's going in dry.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A priest gets into quicksand...
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he notices he can´t get himself out of there, so he starts praying. Along comes a guy. The guy sees the priest and asks: "do you need help?" But the priest just answers: "No, god will help me." He sinks in deeper and deeper, is in to his hip, as antoher guy comes by and asks the priest wether he could help him. Again the priest turns him down: "My faith will safe me." By now the priest is in the quicksand up to his chin. A third guy comes by and offers his help, the priest turns him down yet again. Finally, the priest dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to god and complains: "Lord, i´ve prayed for you to save me, yet you let me die in the quicksand!" God just looks him in the eye and says: "I sent three guys, wasn´t that help enough you moron?" ~~I hope this is no repost.~~ **Edit:** Well, sorry for the repost, but thanks for kindness.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you get when you mix a donkey & a onion?
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A Piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Murphy Was A Very Religious Man....
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...... but he also had financial aspirations beyond his means & dreamed of owning a big house, holidays in the sun & owning the *ultimate* status symbol........ a top-of-the-range Ferrari convertible. Not being criminally minded, he decided to ask the lord to make his dreams come true by going to mass 7 days a week & praying hard for a lottery win. Day after day he would do this....."Lord, just one **major** lottery win is all I'm asking for here, please, *please* grant me this wish & I will never ask anything from you again". One cold winters day when the snow was piled high on the ground, Murphy went to mass & found himself alone in a deserted church. True to form, he knelt & began to once again ask the Lord for his lottery win. Just then, an apparition of a burning bush appeared in the middle of the church altar & a booming voice spoke from it..... "Murphy, you are indeed a **good** man, you work hard to support your wife & 2 children, you are not an abusive drunk, you don't steal from anybody or cheat on your wife so it would indeed be my pleasure to grant you this wish, but there's just one thing..............meet me half way here & buy a fucking **ticket**, will you??"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Waking up on a Monday morning...
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On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up son. It's time to got to school!" "But mom, I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why." "Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!" "That's no reason. Come now get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go?" "Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The Albama Preacher
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An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body what would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are talking about their daughters...
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The brunette says, "I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't know she smoked." The redhead says, "I found a fifth of vodka in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't know she drank." The blonde says, "I found a pack of condoms in my daughter's nightstand. I didn't know she had a penis."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The Hitchhiker.
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A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the man in, offering him a ride home. The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eyeing the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "Ah, I got that bottle for my wife." The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies "Good trade."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son that if he didn't stop masturbating he would go blind?
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The son said, "Dad! I'm over here!" (Willie Nelson gets credit for this one, and you absolutely give a man like Willie credit.)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A blonde decided to go ice-fishing
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...so she packed up all her gear and went ice fishing. She cut a hole and put the fishing line down the hole. After 15 minutes, after feeling nothing, she wasn't sure there would be a fish, so she prayed to her God, asking for a fish to please come bite her line. A few minutes later, a loud booming voice said: "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" So she packed up her stuff and she found another spot. Again, she prayed for a fish to biter her line, but to no avail. Again, she heard a loud, booming voice, "THERE'S NO FISH THERE!" Still feeling hopeful, the blonde moved her stuff and cut a third hole in the ice. This time, without even praying, the loud booming voice said, "GET OFF THE ICE, THE GAME IS ABOUT TO START!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A blonde went to work...
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Her boss found her crying in her office and went to see what's wrong. She told him that her mom had just died. He told her to go home and take the week off. She then said that that wasn't the problem. Puzzled, he asked what the problem was. "My sister called me, her mom died too!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two men have a penis size contest
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One man was Arabic, the other was Black. For a week since they met at the bar they argued who was packing more heat. Naturally the other Middle Eastern men sided with the Arab man, while the other Blacks sided with their Black friend. Eventually, the two men got bored of the constant debate between their friends and decided to privately find out which man had the bigger package. The two men go out on the Golden Gate bridge, unzip their pants and place their junk on the side of the bridge. "Damn, this water is sure cold." The Arab man says. The Black man replies, "Yea, shit's deep too"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man is driving through the desert with a penguin in the passenger seat
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His gas light comes on and he pulls off at the next fuel station to fill up. He walks inside and the clerk looks at him, then the car with the penguin sitting inside and says "It's entirely too hot out here for a penguin! You need to take that thing to the zoo right away!" The man nods his head in agreement and replies "Yeah, that's probably a good idea." A week passes and the man pulls into the same fuel station with the penguin sitting comfortably in the passenger seat again. The man walks inside and the clerk angrily says "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!" The man looks at the clerk and calmly replies "Yeah I did! We had a wonderful time!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a Man Finds a Magic Lamp...
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... The genie comes out and tells the man he has 1 wish. The man asks "I'd like a transatlantic highway so that I can visit my family in France more easily" The genie replies "That is a bit of a daunting task, is there anything other than this that you'd like?" The man says "I've never had any luck with women. So, I'd like to be able to understand a woman's thought at all times and know what exactly she wants." The genie thinks it over for a bit and says, "So how many lanes do you want this highway to be?"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Another Old Blonde Joke
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A brunette yells to a blonde across a river, "Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?" The blonde yells back "You are on the other side!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An oldie but goodie
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Three women, a redhead, brunette and blonde, find themselves stranded on a deserted island. While looking for supplies the redhead stumbled upon an old, well decorated bottle. After she brought it back to camp she and her friends began to clean it off when suddenly a genie sprang out of the bottle. In a deep, deliberate tone the genie said "You have awakened a genie! I have the power to grant any three wishes you desire. Because all three awakened me each of you get one wish!" The genie looked at the redhead who quickly shouted "I WISH TO GO HOME!" and POOF she was gone. The genie then looked at the brunette who couldn't say "I WISH TO GO HOME!" fast enough and POOF she was gone. The genie then looked at the blonde who had a tear in her eye and her head was hung low. "Why are you so sad" asked the genie, to which the blonde responded "I wish my friends were here."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What should you do if you see a spaceman?
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Park in it, man.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
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They can both smell it, but they'll get fired if they eat it!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom?
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Depends.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A doctor tells a man that he has to stop masturbating.
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The man is surprised and says, "Why?" And the doctor says,"Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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They say the best things come in small packages
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So I fucked a midget
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Yet another bar joke
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Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar. One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks." "You've got a deal mister." He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. "Hundred bucks says you can't do it again." And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He falls thirteen stories to his death. The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth. The bartender says to him, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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An Exercise of Logic
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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're gay. "
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How did the mermaid get into a car crash?
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...because she was fish tailing!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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My favorite blonde joke
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2 blondes are walking in the woods. The first blonde looks down and says, 'Wow, deer tracks!' The second blonde looks down and says, 'You idiot! Those are bear tracks.' They start arguing about what kind of tracks they are. After a few minutes they get hit by a train.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Frail & Trembling old Woman
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walks into a sex shop & shakily made her way up to the clerk at the counter. "Exc-c-cuse m-me sonny, b-but I n-n-need some i-i-in-inform-m-mation about v-v-vib-brators" "Certainly madam" said the clerk as he reached under the counter to pull out a box full of the sex toys, took out an 8 inch red vibrator & asked "what would you like to know??....this one for example is called the **red bull** & it"..... "N-no no...n-n-not th-that one" - she interrupted "Ok then madam" said the clerk putting it back in the box & taking out a 10 inch green one...."This is one we call the **green giant** & it has 3 speeds, 2 hour battery time"..... "N-n-no...n-not th-that one e-e-either" - she interrupted for the 2nd time. So, replacing that one in the box, he then takes out a 12 inch black vibrator & said, "Right madam, now this is a *best seller* of ours called the **black rhino**"....... "Y-Y-Yes.....T-T-THAT'S th-the one" she said. "Fine madam" said the clerk, placing the object on the counter..."What would you like to know about it?" "H-h-h-how d-do y-y-you **s-s-switch th-the f-fuck-k-king th-thing OFF??**
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A blonde, brunette, and red-head are sitting on a bridge ...
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... eating lunch. The brunette opens up her lunch bag and says: "ugh, if I get a tuna sandwich again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this bridge". The red-head open up her lunch bag and says: "ugh, if I get a tuna sandwich again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this bridge". The blonde opens up her lunch bag and says: "ugh, if I get a tuna sandwich again tomorrow, I'm gonna jump off this bridge". THE NEXT DAY: The husbands of the three woman are sitting on the bridge because their wives killed themselves. The brunette's husband says: "If only I didn't make her a tuna sandwich". The red-heads husband says: "If only I didn't make her a tuna sandwich". The blonde's husband says: "If only she didn't make that tuna sandwich".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man was sitting on a bench next to a dog sitting on the grass.
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A younger man walks by and asks him if his dog bites. The man says "No, my dog never bite anyone." The younger man reaches down to pet the dog, when all of a sudden, the dog lashes out and bites his hand. "Ow! What the hell man!? You said your dog didn't bite!" "...That's not my dog."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
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The NBA.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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The Blonde and the Mechanic and her Neighbor
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One day, a blonde was driving from her mothers house home. On the way, she got caught in a hail storm. Thinking it would be best, she pressed on and sped to get home. When she arrived home, she parked her car in the garage and went inside to go to sleep. Upon waking in the morning, she went down to look at her car. She found dents all over her vehicle. She decided to take it to the mechanic and figure out what it would cost to get it fixed. When she arrived, the mechanic took one look at her and said "Hello. I have the best, surefire way to get these dents out of your car. It's a big secret, so you can't tell anyone. It'll only cost you 700$" The blonde agrees, pays him the 700$ and he sits her down. "Now listen, I want you to go home, park the car in your driveway, cup your hands around the tail pipe and blow. If you blow hard enough, the dents will come out!" So the blonde drives home. She parks her car in her driveway, goes around back to the tail pipe, cups her hands around it and blows. She's been doing this for quite a while when her blonde neighbor walks out. Her neighbor says "Hey! What're you doing over there!?" She says "Well, I shouldn't tell you! He told me it was a secret! But, since it doesn't seem to be working, I'll have to tell you! The mechanic told me if I went home and cupped my hands around the tail pipe and blow hard enough, these dents would come out!" The blonde neighbor says "YOU IDIOT! The windows are rolled down!!!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Old blonde joke.
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A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears. "What's wrong, dear?" He asks Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box." Ba dum-tiss
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Singing Telegram!
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An elderly woman answers a knock at the door to find a messenger there. "I have a telegram for you ma'am." To which she replies, "Ooooh, is it a singing telegram?" "No ma'am, just a regular telegram." "Oh that simply won't do!" She exclaims, "I want a singing telegram!" A bit annoyed, the messenger says "I simply can't, it is a *regular* telegram" Angered, the woman yells "I WANT A SINGING TELEGRAM, GIVE IT TO ME OR ILL COMPLAIN!" The messenger pauses for a second, incredibly pissed off. He decides to just do it and breaks into song: "Ba dum ba dum bum bum, your sister Rose is **dead**."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Little Johnny always wanted to be a carpenter.
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A house was being built across the street and he asks his mother if he can go watch the carpenters work. His mom agrees and says "Maybe you will learn something." So he sits on a stump all day and watches the men work. After they finish for the day little Johnny goes home and his mother asks "Well, Johnny, did you learn anything today?" "Yeah! A lot" said little Johnny. His mom says "Tell me about it, what did you learn? "Well, its not easy to put up a door. You try to put the mother fucker up but that shit doesn't fit, so you take it down and shave a cunt hair off each side. Then you put that cocksuckin bitch back up." Johnny's mother, in shock, exclaims angrily "Johnny! That's terrible! Just wait till your father gets home!" A few hours later his father comes home and little Johnny tells him the same story. His father gets really upset and says "Johnny! Go out back and fetch me a switch!" Little Johnny replies "Fuck you, that's the electrician's job!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Jim and Mary.
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear about the castrated hipster?
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He had a very eunuch style.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear about the award winning scarecrow?
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He was out standing in his field.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you do if someone's choking?
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Pull back a few inches
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Two out-of-work Mexicans knock on a rich guy's door - looking for odd jobs
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The rich guy feels for them, so he says, "I'll give you 100 bucks to go out back and paint my porch." The Mexicans can't believe their luck - and agree. The rich guy gives them a few gallons of paint and some brushes. About an hour later, they knock on the door. The guy answers, and the Mexicans tell him they are done. He says, "I can't believe you're done so fast. That should have taken at least 5 hours." One of the Mexicans says, "We are done, Senor. But I have to tell you - that wasn't no porch. That was a Mercedes."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
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Wipe it off and say you're sorry.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A boy was playing with his train set...
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... and he says "alright all you f*ckers that are on get off and all you f*ckers that want to get on get on" At that his mom comes in and tells him that he has to sit in his room for an hour until he can play nice. So he sits in his room for an hour and then goes out to his train set again. This time he goes, "all you nice people that are on get off, and all you nice people that want to get on get on. And if you want to complain about the hour delay talk to the b*tch in the kitchen!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
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So the other one could learn to drive. Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Three Men Arrive At the Pearly Gates
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...and St. Peter, as he is wont to do, asks them how they got there. The first man says "I got back to my apartment early from work. I found my wife lying on our bed naked, clearly excited and I put two and two together. I ran out to the living room and looked out the window. Down on the street below I saw a man running while putting on his jacket and straightening his tie. Well, in my rage I was able to lift our refrigerator and hurled it out the window at him. Unfortunately, the strain gave me a heart attack and I died." "Wow, that's quite a story," said St. Peter. "What about you?" he asked the second man. "I was late for work again and knew that it was nip and tuck whether I could catch my bus. I wolfed down some coffee and ran out the door carrying my jacket and doing up my tie. Next thing I know a refrigerator landed on me. Needless to say it was fatal." St. Peter said "I see." Looking at the third man he asked "What's your story?" "I'm really not sure," said the man. "I was just minding my own business, sitting in a refrigerator."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did anyone else watch the documentary on pedophilia?
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It was so touching.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a Latvian man went to Idaho
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Because he died.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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So a penguin and a seal are in a car...
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The penguin is driving. It's 105 degrees outside, and, being from the arctic, they want to get something to cool off. The seal suggests they get ice cream, so they find a nearby ice cream parlor. They're getting out of the car and the seal says, "Hey, something's wrong with the engine!" the penguin looks underneath the car, and sure enough there is a puddle of oil forming under the hot engine. Fortunately, they see a service station across the street. So, fighting the heat, they push the car to the shop and ask the mechanic to look at it while they go eat. By this time, the penguin and the seal are about ready to melt, so the penguin orders a huge bowl of ice cream. Unfortunately, he realizes that he cannot use a spoon. Abandoning all composure, the penguin buries his face in the ice cream, getting it all over himself. Meanwhile, the seal enjoys a shrimp basket. Finally, the two finish and go back to the mechanic. "Well," he says from under the hood, "it looks like you just blew a seal." "Nope," replied the penguin, still wiping his face. "Just ice cream."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many Nazis does it take to finish a race?
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None, Nazis can't finish a race.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A rabbi, bishop, and islamic priest...
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**Edit**: Changing the title to... ###An orthodox priest, a bishop, and a Rabbi ...are arguing over whose religion is the best. The bishop says, "We should convert the fiercest bear we can find to our religion, for only the best religion should help be able to convert such a ferocious animal." The next day they set out to prove themselves. After a few hours the bishop returns with a bear. The bear is surprisingly tame and is busy reading the bible. Soon afterwards the orthodox priest returns with the bear that he converted. The two of them begin to discuss how they accomplished the feat and who did a better job. As time passes they begin to wonder where the rabbi was. At the end of the day they notice the rabbi hobbling towards them. The rabbi's neck is in a brace, his arm in a sling, and his face covered with numerous cuts and bruises. "What happened to you?" The bishop and priest ask. The rabbi replies in a raspy voice, "I guess circumcising him wasn't a good place to start."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
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The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What do you call a virgin redneck?
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A 7 year old who can run faster than her brothers.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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What did the asian parents call their retarded son?
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Sum ting wong
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How do you make a hormone?
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Slap her in the face and refuse to pay her.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Life like potato...
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Only have one, then soldier come and take.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Praise The Lord!
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Every day a woman walks outside and Yells "Praise The Lord!". Her atheist neighbor always responds "There is no Lord!". One day the woman went outside and said "Lord please send me groceries". The next morning she found bags of groceries on her front porch and said "Praise The Lord!". Then the neighbor jumped out from behind a bush and said "Ha! Your God didn't buy you those groceries I did! There is no Lord!". The woman replied "Praise The Lord! Not only did he send me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them too!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not with c?
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Because you can't see in the dark Badambum!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Gorilla Language
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A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "fuck you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge. The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A man, whilst in a supermarket, approaches a woman he's never met before."Er Hello, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks. "You see, I've lost my wife...
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"Yes, If you want, but why in the world do you want to speak to me?" He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere..."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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these are my cookies.
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So a boy is staying at his grandfathers house. He is eating lunch with his granfather and the grandfather says, "son, could you go pour me a glass of scotch?" The boy said yes and went into the house and came back out with a glass of scotch. He then said to his grandfather "could I have a sip of your scotch?" The grandpa says, " sure, but only if you can put your dick in your bum." The boy then says, "but i can't put my dick in my bum" the grandfather then says "well, then you can't have a sip of my scotch". Later in the day he is sitting on the porch with his granfather and the grandfather says, "son, could you go get me a cigar?" The boy said yes and went into the house and came back out with a cigar and matches. He then said to his grandfather "could I try your cigar?" The grandpa says, " sure, but only if you can put your dick in your bum." The boy then says, "but i can't put my dick in my bum" the grandfather then says "well, then you can't try my cigar". Then while they are running errands with his grandfather he says to his grandfather "could I drive to the market?" The grandpa says, " sure, but only if you can put your dick in your bum." The boy then says, "but i can't put my dick in my bum" the grandfather then says "well, then you can't drive to the market". After errands the boy walks into the kitchen and his grandmother sees that he is upset and says, "what's wrong?" He then says, "Grandpa wouldn't let me try his scotch or cigar or drive to the market." She then says, "well ill make you some cookies to fell better." Then about 20 minutes later he walks into the living room where his grandfather is. He says, "could I have some of your cookies?" Then the boy says, "well, can you put your dick in your bum?" Then with a smug look the grandfather says, " well as a matter of a fact I can." The boy says, "well then you can go fuck yourself because grandma made these cookies for me."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Just a short joke you are probably pretty familiar with
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yep, it's your penis
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A 75 year old rich man marries a 20-yo beautiful woman...
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And a friend of his comes to ask how did he manage to pull that off. "I told her I was 90".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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A Weenie Contest.
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Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!" So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two, but how they got in there I will never know.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Guess how old I am?
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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I'm really 47!", he says, feeling better than ever. Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds." Edit: Fixed a bit
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Why does Pinocchio lie?
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because he's a fucking liar
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What is the difference between spinach and boogers?
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Kids don't eat spinach
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What did the veggies say, as they sat down for supper?
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"Lettuce, pray."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food...
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Neither have they.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
My girlfriend was commenting on my big feet...
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I said, "Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet..." She replied, "You're gonna be disappointed!" [true story]
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What do you get when you're agnostic, dyslexic, and an insomniac?
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You stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
How many dull people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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One.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Where did the farmer find his missing baby horse?
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In the foliage.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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God said to John, "Come forth and recieve eternal life."
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But John came fifth, and received a toaster instead.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Last day for your taxes
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A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking. Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help. A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " “No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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I met a man from India and he gave me this one
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A Frenchman, an American and an Indian are on a plane. The Frenchman says to the stewardess "I can tell what city we are flying over just by sticking my hand out the window!" Of course she doesn't believe him so he say here, watch, and he sticks his hand out the window and proudly tells everyone "We are flying over Paris" Amused the stewardess asks "how could you know that?", well says the Frenchman "I just touched the Eiffel tower" Not wanting to be shown up, the American boasts that he too can tell where they are, he sticks his hand out the window as says "see here, I knew it, we're actually flying over New York City, I can tell because I just touched the Empire State Building" By this point the Indian decides that he would like to play along, he looks at the other two and says "let me see if I can tell where we really are" he sticks his hand out the window and pulls it back in. Then he informs everyone "it turns out we are actually flying over New Deli"... the stewardess leans in and asks "How do you know we're flying over New Deli just by sticking your arm out the window" the Indian man replies "My watch is gone"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Dirty Johnny's mom is in the kitchen cooking dinner...
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Johnny runs up to her, tugs on the tails of her skirt-- "Momma, are we having shrimp for dinner?" She tells him, "No, Johnny, we're having meatloaf." Johnny says, "Oh. Well, Grandma's having shrimp!" "What do you mean Grandma's having shrimp?" So Johnny takes his mom's hand, leads her into the living room-- and there's Grandma on the couch. She's sleeping like a rock, lit cigarette in her mouth, and her bathrobe's slumped off to the side to reveal her gnarled old lady clit Johnny points at it and goes, "Look, see, it's Grandma's shrimp!" Johnny's mom, horrified, puts her face in her hands and says, "No, Johhny, that's not shrimp, that's Grandma's clitoris." Johnny says, "Oh.. Well, it tasted like shrimp!" WACKIDYYY-SHMACKIDY DOOOOOO (Courtesy of Jackie 'The Joke Man' Martling)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Do cannibals try to eat gymnasts...
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for a more balanced diet?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
A jumper cable walks into a bar...
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and the bartender says "I'll serve you but don't start anything"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
A ham sandwich walks into a bar...
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...and asks for a drink. The bartender replies, "We don't serve food here."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
How come Smokey the Bear doesn't have any kids?
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Because everytime his wife gets hot ,he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel. :-P
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
How did the puppeteer meet the President?
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He pulled some strings.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Useful Metric Equivalents
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* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone * 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles * 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds * 52 = 1 decacards * 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn * 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche * 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake * 10 rations = 1 decoration * 10 millipede = 1 centipede * 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent * 10 monologues = 5 dialogues * 2 monograms = 1 diagram * 8 nickels = 2 paradigms Edit - formatting
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What kind of a shoe has a problem?
|
An issue.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
This is a little self-indulgent, but I'm a high school teacher and I just compiled some one-liners from the past year or so
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[They can be found here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XWPHTS7bAcbKV5GsL3Vhx7gUmm0DnFr-aOutUtV8LRM/edit?usp=sharing)
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Some men are discussing the meaning of life...
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Some men are sitting around discussing the meaning of life. One turns and asks the others, "If tomorrow all your loved ones found themselves at a funeral, gathered around your casket, what would you want to hear them say?" One starts off saying, "I hope they would say I was a good father and husband". The next says "I want them to say I was not only successful, but a kind and generous man too". "I'd want them to say", says the last man, "Hey look, he's moving!"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Testicles. (Not sure if a repost, found this joke on a fb page)
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results -back?
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Why did the hippy teach the lumberjack calculus?
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So he'd use natural logs!
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
Back in Soviet Russia...
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...there was a man working at a Siberian coal mine. Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home. Every time he did this the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables. The security guard always found nothing so he would reluctantly let the man reload the dirt and go home. This goes on for 25 years until the man finally retired. On his last day the the bewildered security guard pleaded with him "I know you've been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please just tell me what it was?" The man replied with a sly wink "Wheelbarrows".
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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In a far away land over the seas, there lives a tribe of 2 foot tall pygmies who live in 3 foot tall grass...
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... called the Fug-ow-ees. They were named by an explorer who stumbled upon them one day in his travels and heard them say something along the lines of "we're the Fug-ow-ee."
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Did you hear the founders of New York City were Jewish.....
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Who else can buy the most valuable land in the world for 26 seashells.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
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Life is like a dick.
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If it's soft, you can't beat it, but when it's hard, somebody's gonna get fucked.
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
An Australian, an American, and an Irish builder...
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...are sitting on top of the (unfinished) 18th floor of the building they've been working on, eating their lunches. The Australian man pulls out a vegemite sandwich, and he says to the other two, "If i get another vegemite sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building. I'm sick of this vegemite." The American man next to him, with a horrified look on his face, pulls out a hotdog. He says, "I agree. If I get another hotdog tomorrow, I will jump off this building with you. I've had enough." The Irishman pulls out an Irish stew. "Ugh, Irish stew again. Yep, if I get this tomorrow, I'll jump with the two of you." So the next day they're all sitting in the same spot, and they all pull out the same lunches as before. Grimacing, they jump off the building and plunge to their deaths. They end up having a joint funeral, because they were good friends. At the funeral, all three wives are sitting next to eachother, discussing their husbands. The Australian woman says to the other two, "I'm so upset. If only he had've TOLD me he didn't like vegemite, I would've given my husband something else." The American woman says, "I agree, I just wish my husband had've spoken to me about it, then he would still be here." They both turn to the Irish woman, who then says, "Don't look at me, Paddy makes his own lunch,"
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Write a joke that starts with the following setup
|
What do condoms and taxes have in common?
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Republicans are against them and democrats want more for schools.
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