Rejekts/alpaca_80k_redditjokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

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Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?	With a pair of Caesars!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Science jokes	Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below. Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it. Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic? A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out. Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Did you know that Harper Lee invented a cocktail?	It was the Tequila Mockingbird.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Bears in bars in Bristol	A bear walks into a bar in Bristol and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Bristol." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Bristol." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bristol." The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states yet again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bristol that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "Well, what about that barbiturate?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down...	It was a pad bun.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My friend was trying to tell me about his problems, but I was distracted by the smell of a burning candle...	I guess I'm just incensitive. - For anyone interested, I've got an avant garde book of jokes that's now free on Amazon. Be warned, it's very out-there. Here's the link: http://amzn.com/B00ARXG4RI
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.	The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I like my hookers like I like my treasure...	Buried.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a haircut and wore nicer clothes, you'd look all right."	I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	There once was a man who made dead houses.	There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...	A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Pope's in Town	The Pope is in town and nearly everybody is lining up outside of the the local church for a chance to meet him. A religious man, looking forward to the chance of meeting the Pope, puts on his best suit and gets on line. It is the man's dream to discuss God with the Pope, and he has so many questions to ask. After waiting half a day to meet the Pope, the man is finally at the front of the line. As the man starts to ask his first question, the Pope interrupts, "God Bless You, Son." and just like that, the man's turn was up. The man can't believe what just occurred. He expected to learn so much from the Pope, only to be pushed away immediately. The man then looks back to see a homeless man is next, in ragged clothes and with terrible hygiene. However, the Pope puts his arm over the homeless man's shoulder and guides him into the church, talking the whole time. Now the man is furious. He can't believe that the Pope would reject him, yet treat the homeless man so nicely. So the man comes up with an idea. He waits for the homeless to come back out, and pays him $100 for his ragged clothes. After changing, the man gets back in line in hopes of having a more profound experience with the Pope. Once he is at the front of the line again, as expected, the Pope takes the man and leads him into the church. The man is so excited, he can't believe his plan worked. As he is about to speak, the Pope again cuts him off to say, "I thought I told you to fucking beat it you filthy hobo."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A woman steps onto the bus with her baby...	...And the bus driver says," Wow, that is one ugly ass baby you have there!" The woman goes and sits down and is very angry, remarking to her neighbor," The bus driver is an asshole! I think I'll give him a peice of my mind!" The neighbor tells her," Go get him! I'll hold your monkey for you!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How would you describe Al Gore playing the drums?	Algorithm.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the cancer patient get smacked?	His hand was bigger than his face.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?	Feyoncè
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why won't hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die?	Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they're underground (Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"Why was the slab of marble upset?"	"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So two friars open a flower shop...	And since everybody wants to buy flowers from men of god, all the other florists in town go out of business. The last florist still in business goes to them and begs them to close down but they wont. After that, the rival florist goes to the friars' mothers and asks them to tell their sons to close their shop. The mothers ask, but they wont. After this, he goes and talks to Hugh. Hugh is the meanest, toughest guy in town. He beats up the friars and destroys their shop, and says he'll be back unless they close down, so they close down. Moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two hookers were on a street corner...	They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	So three guys get captured by cannibals...	They are surrounded and hopelessly outnumbered. The chief cannibal tells them if they want to get out alive, first they must go into a grove and collect 12 of any fruit. They set off. The first guy comes back with apples. The cheif tells him, now you must insert all of them into your asshole without making a sound. Well shit, says the first guy. He starts shoving the apples up his ass. When he reaches the 4th one, he lets out a yelp. He his killed and eaten. The 2nd guy comes back with cherries. The cheif tells him the same thing. He starts inserting the cherries, not making a peep, then on the 11th one, he lets outs a giggle. He is killed and eaten. The two men meet outside the pearly gates. The first guy says to the other, "Why did you laugh? You could have made it!" The second guy laughs and says "I know, but I saw the other guy coming out of the woods with pineapples."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My kinda Dr.	a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. yes please and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where does the General keep his armies?	Up his sleevies!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How much does a pirate pay for corn?	A buccaneer!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away	The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Street Performer	An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Italian guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are waiting for a job interview.	An Italian guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are sitting in a waiting room, waiting to be called in for a job interview. The Italian is called into the manager's office first. The manager is a nice looking, normal guy, but he has no ears. The Italian takes a seat. "For this job, we need someone very observant. Tell me, what's something you can observe about me?" says the manager. The Italian replies, "You've got no fucking ears!" The manager gets furious and kicks him out of his office. Next, the Russian is called into the manager's office. "We need someone very observant for this job," says the manager. "To test your observational skills, tell me something you observe about me." "You've got no fucking ears!", says the Russian. Again, the manager gets furious and tells the Russian to leave his office. Both the Russian and the Italian make sure to tell the Polish guy, who was still waiting in the waiting room, that the manager is going to ask him to make an observation about him. They told him to be careful, though, because he's very sensitive about not having any ears and that he shouldn't mention it. The Polish guy gets called into the manager's office. "I need to test your observational skills before hiring you," says the manager. "What's something you observe about me?" Flustered, the Polish guy replies, "Uhh, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the manager asks, "Why yes I am, how did you know that?" The Polish guy replied, "How the hell would you wear glasses? You've got no fucking ears!" "Get the fuck out of my office!!!" Joke by Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling :) Edit: Formatting
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Husband down.. Aisle 7	A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price..'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A woman says to her cat "Go and make me a sandwich"	The cat says "Me? how?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The three knights (NSFW)	Okay, so the king employs three new knights to guard his daughter's bedroom as she sleeps. He warns them: "If you try to sleep with my daughter, I will kill you." However, he does not expect the new knights to heed his warning, and so he makes the daughter put a knife inside of her vagina. That night, while the three knights are guarding the princess' bedroom, one knight enters the room. a couple of minutes later, a scream is heard from the room, and the knight walks out, writhing in pain. The second knight walks in to the room also, and once again, within a couple of minutes, a cry is heard, and the knight falls out of the room, screeching out of pure agony. Finally, the third knight walks in, and again, a scream is heard, and the knight walks out crying like a baby. The next morning, the king approaches the knights outside of the bedroom, and asks the first knight "Did you sleep with my daughter last night?" The knight replied "No." The king then ordered the man's pants to be dropped, and upon seeing the knight's sliced penis, ordered him to be taken away and executed. The king repeated to the second knight, "Did you sleep with my daughter?" The second knight owned up and said, "Yes." The king ordered the man to be executed immediately. The king then said to the third knight, "Did you attempt to sleep with my daughter?" and the knight opened his mouth, and said "I wpluod nefew twi to fwuk yow dertur."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What's long and hard on a black man?	The First grade!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An eagle goes looking for a mate...	He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon." The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk." Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, I don't make love." Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and picks up a duck. "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you made a mistake!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a man with his hand up a horses ass?	An Amish mechanic. A favorite from Robin Williams
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a group of politically similar crows?	A cawcus
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Knock knock	Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless...
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The 3 Spies	There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!". EDIT: Glad everyone likes this joke. I want to give credit to a great friend of mine named Ron who told it to me.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Sex is like a game of cards.	....if you Dont have a good partner you better have a good hand!!!!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	If you watch Cinderella backwards...	..it's about a women who learns her place. Old one but still funny.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you date a ghost?	You 'WOOOO' him!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How to make right decisions	The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." "And, sir, What is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get Experience?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint...	...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest?
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I wouldn't say I do a lot of psychedelics...	But my couch has seatbelts.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants	They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Gorilla and the Redneck	A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions: "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently...	The steaks have never been higher.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..	She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian..."	The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What you you call a girl you meet on Reddit?	You don't.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.	All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before: Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me" Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!" The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight. Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" Italian: "Once" Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?" Italian: "Don't stop"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did one hat say to another?	You stay here, I'll go on a head!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?	Pick it up and suck its dick.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I stripped naked after losing a bet yesterday.	I'm now barred from my local bookies.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I thought my watch ran out of battery power...	It scared me for a second.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole?	You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor’s.	“Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long.” “So what’s the problem?” Breaking down in tears.... “I can’t remember where I live.”
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Thor	The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Which Jedi can save PDF files?	Adobe Wan Kenobi
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The Magic Lamp	A man walks into a bar looking rather down on his luck. The Bartender asks what's wrong, and the man produces a foot tall gent wearing a tuxedo from his jacket pocket. Before the Bartender can ask, the man proceeds to open his suitcase, and plonks a tiny piano in front of the little man. The little guy starts playing his heart out, the Bartender couldn't help but smile at the spectacle. Surprised that someone could be sad with such an obvious money-maker in their pocket, the Bartender asks the man how he came across this gift. The man once again reached into his pocket and pulled a lamp, explaining that it was magic and he got one wish. The Bartender snatched it away and greedily started rubbing, quietly mumbling his wish. At first there was nothing. Slowly a rumble of high pitched noise started building up in the distance. As it got louder, it became clear the sound was the quacking and squawking of ducks flying low toward the bar. Hundreds of thousands of ducks attacked the building, smashing windows and breaking roof tiles. After 10 or so minutes the last of the ducks had gone, and the Bartender gets out from behind the bar to survey the damage. His bar is ruined, covered in duck shit and dead ducks. The man was still at the bar. Suddenly outraged, the Bartender grabs the man by the jacket and asks "I thought you said this lamp was magic! This wasn't my wish at all!!" The man slowly turned and said "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	At any time, the temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.......	A whim away.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Hey, Jose!	How many of our friends do you see? Just Juan.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Zebra dies and goes to heaven.	When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty. Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away." Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?" Zebra looks up and says "Well, God, i've always wanted to know.. am i black with white stripes? or am i white with black stripes? The voice echoes again. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE." then the light fades. Zebra looks at St. Peter inquisitively. Pete says "you're clearly white with black stripes.." Zebra, "how do you know that??" Pete, "well if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'YOU IS WHAT YOU IS'
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Two aliens sitting in a bar...	The first looks at the second and says "bleep loop do dooee day baaarrggg" The second looks ask at the first a d says "shut up frank, you're drunk"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call the deaf man with no limbs?	Whatever you want.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Apparently women prefer men who are taller than them.	So I guess it could be said that tall women have higher standards.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	27	A small rabbit was simply hopping around a large hole of which the bottom was yet to be seen. Our jolly fellow was hopping around the edge, saying: 27, 27, 27, 27, 27,27, 27, 27...... and so on and so forth A bear walks up to the the rabbit with a quizzical look on his face. "Why our you saying that number while jumping around this hole?" asked the bear. The rabbit responded nothing. So the bear decided to look over the edge of the hole, the rabbit the swiftly pushed the bear over the edge, making him fall to it's demise. The rabbit then proceeded to hop around the hole again, this time saying: 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28......
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A man and a woman walk into an elevator.	After a little while of standing in silence, he turns to her and says "excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" She flushes crimson red and huffs "YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!" "Oh," he says, "must be your feet then."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A Guy is Walking Through a Marina	He looks over and sees a Boat with AMB on the prow. As he's thinking about it.... American ships are called USS...United States Ship British are called HMS...Her Majesty's Ship For the life of him he could not place what AMB would stand for. So he calls down to the gentleman standing on the boat: "Excuse me but what does the label "AMB" stand for?" The guy looks up and yells, "ATSA MY BOAT!!!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?	To get to the other side.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An Engineer goes to heaven	An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Come right in. We can always use another engineer". But the engineer does his due diligence and asks to see both Heaven and Hell before deciding where he wants to spend eternity. Heaven is nice but seems dull. Hell, on the other hand, has all sorts of problems that an engineer can enjoy fixing so the engineer decides to go to Hell instead. Some time later God, being a prick, calls down to Hell to ask Lucifer if it is hot enough for him. Lucifer says "Heck no. Since we got that engineer things have become much better. He has drained the stinking swamps, put out the infernal flames and installed air conditioning. Things are quite pleasant here." "An engineer?" exclaims God. "You can't have an engineer. They all go to heaven. Sent him up here immediately." "No," says the devil. "We like him. We're keeping him." "You can't keep him. If you don't send him to heaven I'll sue" says God. At this the devil just laughs and laughs. "Sue? Where are you going to get a lawyer."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Racist St. Peter	Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone." “The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God. "No. The Pearly Gates."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is a simile?	It's like a metaphor.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	My uncle performed circumcisions...	He kept all the foreskin and had a tailor make it into a wallet. Rub it for 5 minutes and you get a briefcase.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?	A receding hareline.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the left leg say to the right leg?	Dont talk to the middle leg he is a dick.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Sometimes having an extra chromosome...	really gets me down
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?	They're both en route to uranus to wipe out the klingons
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I used to be addicted to having sex with bars of soap.	But then I came clean.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A snake walks into a bar	And the bartender yells, "How the fuck did you just walk in here?!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Dr. Feelgood	Doctor Feelgood is visiting the mental institution to see the latest condition of some of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie. At that moment he is swinging an imaginary golf club in the air. "Well, Charlie," says Feelgood. "When do you think you will be getting out?" "No problem," replies Charlie, swinging away. "Just as soon as I hit a hole-in-one." Feelgood shakes his head and goes on to the next room. There he finds Chester swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "Hello, Chester," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Oh, soon," replies Chester. "Just as soon as I hit this home-run." Feelgood shakes his head again, and is led to the next room. He walks in and finds Donald rubbing a bag of peanuts up against his open zipper. "Hello, Donald," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Out? Are you kidding?" says Donald excitedly. "I'm fucking nuts!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...	I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	The stalker	A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him. "Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings" To her surprise, the stalker returned the very next day with a beautiful diamond necklace and matching earrings as she requested. The woman responded with a task she thought her stalker could surely not accomplish. "Before I have sex with you, I want you to buy me a brand new Porsche." The woman was stunned as the man returned the next day in a brand new Porsche convertible . The woman quickly thought of an excuse to avoid having sex with the stranger. "Im sorry but I can only have sex with someone who has a 12 inch penis." she explained. The woman felt relieved as her stalker walked away. To her astonishment, the man returned half an hour later, weeping, with a pair of bloody scissors in hand, and his pants around his ankles with the remainder of his penis wrapped in bandages.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?	He doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking a chicken.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A great storm is brewing....	I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the distance we saw a flash of lightning and decided to get the kids inside. As we were running towards the house, my niece dropped the dolphin toy and the wind got ahold of it and blew it across the yard. Fearing it would blow away and be lost forever, i frantically chased after it, but to no avail, it jumped the fence but came to rest in the neighbors rosebush. Some of the thorns had punctured the thin plastic and, upon examination, i saw air escaping through 3 small holes in the side. "Well, I guess that deflates the porpoise."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	A pirate walks into a bar...	Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub. The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches, "Are you really a pirate?" he asks "Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service." "Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?" "Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink." Eager to hear his story, the man buys the pirate a drink and sits to listen. "Well, first, me leg. Aye, 'twas a great gale in the midst of the Atlantic, and one of my men and fallen over board after a rogue wave hit the ship. I was haulin' him in off the netting when I great white shark leapt out of the water and bit me leg off at the knee..." "Wow," says the bar patron, "that's amazing! And your hand?" "Aye, me hand... We were searchin' fer buried treasure off'a the Florida Keys, when while hackin' through the brush, I stumbled upon a great alligator who was right bothered about me beein' there. I fought the beast valiantly, but the bastard took me hand..." "Oh this is incredible!" The man exclaims, "So the eye-patch...how's you lose the eye?" The pirate pauses, a little reticent to reveal this last injury... "Well...a seagull pooped in me eye..." "What? Seagull poops in your eye and now you need an eye-patch?" "Aye...T'was me first day with the hook..."
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	I can't play music in piano;	I guess you could say it's not my forte.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Do you know the fat catholic woman? [OC]	She has mass.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What do you call a cheap circumcision?	A rip off.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	why did Bob quit working at the toilet paper factory?	Because he was tired of working with assholes all day
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship	Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?	A pedophile.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Where do Bees use the bathroom?	At the BP station. (thanks grandma)
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.	She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up! After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly. The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time? Little Johnny replies: No ma’am, it’s just painful to see you standing all alone.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Why did the Jew vote for Obama?	Because he promised change.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	All women are different.	Yet none of them can drive.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	How do you turn a fox into a cow?	Marry it
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid?	He's back in town and wants your number.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock?	"Look Grandpa, no hands!"
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	50,000 battered women a year...	And I still eat mine plain!
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	What is the difference between a straight man's mustache and a gay man's mustache?	The smell.
Write a joke that starts with the following setup	"Hi, My name is John Foreman and I run a cabinet making business."	John said counter-productively.

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How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

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Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below. Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it. Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic? A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out. Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

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Did you know that Harper Lee invented a cocktail?

It was the Tequila Mockingbird.

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Bears in bars in Bristol

A bear walks into a bar in Bristol and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Bristol." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Bristol." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bristol." The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states yet again, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Bristol that are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "Well, what about that barbiturate?"

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A dyslexic put a dinner roll on a chair before he sat down...

It was a pad bun.

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My friend was trying to tell me about his problems, but I was distracted by the smell of a burning candle...

I guess I'm just incensitive. - For anyone interested, I've got an avant garde book of jokes that's now free on Amazon. Be warned, it's very out-there. Here's the link: http://amzn.com/B00ARXG4RI

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I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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I like my hookers like I like my treasure...

Buried.

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a haircut and wore nicer clothes, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

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There once was a man who made dead houses.

There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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The Pope's in Town

The Pope is in town and nearly everybody is lining up outside of the the local church for a chance to meet him. A religious man, looking forward to the chance of meeting the Pope, puts on his best suit and gets on line. It is the man's dream to discuss God with the Pope, and he has so many questions to ask. After waiting half a day to meet the Pope, the man is finally at the front of the line. As the man starts to ask his first question, the Pope interrupts, "God Bless You, Son." and just like that, the man's turn was up. The man can't believe what just occurred. He expected to learn so much from the Pope, only to be pushed away immediately. The man then looks back to see a homeless man is next, in ragged clothes and with terrible hygiene. However, the Pope puts his arm over the homeless man's shoulder and guides him into the church, talking the whole time. Now the man is furious. He can't believe that the Pope would reject him, yet treat the homeless man so nicely. So the man comes up with an idea. He waits for the homeless to come back out, and pays him $100 for his ragged clothes. After changing, the man gets back in line in hopes of having a more profound experience with the Pope. Once he is at the front of the line again, as expected, the Pope takes the man and leads him into the church. The man is so excited, he can't believe his plan worked. As he is about to speak, the Pope again cuts him off to say, "I thought I told you to fucking beat it you filthy hobo."

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A woman steps onto the bus with her baby...

...And the bus driver says," Wow, that is one ugly ass baby you have there!" The woman goes and sits down and is very angry, remarking to her neighbor," The bus driver is an asshole! I think I'll give him a peice of my mind!" The neighbor tells her," Go get him! I'll hold your monkey for you!"

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How would you describe Al Gore playing the drums?

Algorithm.

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Why did the cancer patient get smacked?

His hand was bigger than his face.

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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyoncè

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Why won't hipsters listen to the Beatles until Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney die?

Because they only want to listen to the Beatles when they're underground (Taken from Cyanide and Happiness comics)

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"Why was the slab of marble upset?"

"He was tired of everyone mistaking him for granite."

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So two friars open a flower shop...

And since everybody wants to buy flowers from men of god, all the other florists in town go out of business. The last florist still in business goes to them and begs them to close down but they wont. After that, the rival florist goes to the friars' mothers and asks them to tell their sons to close their shop. The mothers ask, but they wont. After this, he goes and talks to Hugh. Hugh is the meanest, toughest guy in town. He beats up the friars and destroys their shop, and says he'll be back unless they close down, so they close down. Moral of the story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

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Two hookers were on a street corner...

They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."

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So three guys get captured by cannibals...

They are surrounded and hopelessly outnumbered. The chief cannibal tells them if they want to get out alive, first they must go into a grove and collect 12 of any fruit. They set off. The first guy comes back with apples. The cheif tells him, now you must insert all of them into your asshole without making a sound. Well shit, says the first guy. He starts shoving the apples up his ass. When he reaches the 4th one, he lets out a yelp. He his killed and eaten. The 2nd guy comes back with cherries. The cheif tells him the same thing. He starts inserting the cherries, not making a peep, then on the 11th one, he lets outs a giggle. He is killed and eaten. The two men meet outside the pearly gates. The first guy says to the other, "Why did you laugh? You could have made it!" The second guy laughs and says "I know, but I saw the other guy coming out of the woods with pineapples."

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My kinda Dr.

a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...

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Where does the General keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

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How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer!

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Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."

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The Street Performer

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

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An Italian guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are waiting for a job interview.

An Italian guy, a Russian guy, and a Polish guy are sitting in a waiting room, waiting to be called in for a job interview. The Italian is called into the manager's office first. The manager is a nice looking, normal guy, but he has no ears. The Italian takes a seat. "For this job, we need someone very observant. Tell me, what's something you can observe about me?" says the manager. The Italian replies, "You've got no fucking ears!" The manager gets furious and kicks him out of his office. Next, the Russian is called into the manager's office. "We need someone very observant for this job," says the manager. "To test your observational skills, tell me something you observe about me." "You've got no fucking ears!", says the Russian. Again, the manager gets furious and tells the Russian to leave his office. Both the Russian and the Italian make sure to tell the Polish guy, who was still waiting in the waiting room, that the manager is going to ask him to make an observation about him. They told him to be careful, though, because he's very sensitive about not having any ears and that he shouldn't mention it. The Polish guy gets called into the manager's office. "I need to test your observational skills before hiring you," says the manager. "What's something you observe about me?" Flustered, the Polish guy replies, "Uhh, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the manager asks, "Why yes I am, how did you know that?" The Polish guy replied, "How the hell would you wear glasses? You've got no fucking ears!" "Get the fuck out of my office!!!" Joke by Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling :) Edit: Formatting

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Husband down.. Aisle 7

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price..'

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A woman says to her cat "Go and make me a sandwich"

The cat says "Me? how?"

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The three knights (NSFW)

Okay, so the king employs three new knights to guard his daughter's bedroom as she sleeps. He warns them: "If you try to sleep with my daughter, I will kill you." However, he does not expect the new knights to heed his warning, and so he makes the daughter put a knife inside of her vagina. That night, while the three knights are guarding the princess' bedroom, one knight enters the room. a couple of minutes later, a scream is heard from the room, and the knight walks out, writhing in pain. The second knight walks in to the room also, and once again, within a couple of minutes, a cry is heard, and the knight falls out of the room, screeching out of pure agony. Finally, the third knight walks in, and again, a scream is heard, and the knight walks out crying like a baby. The next morning, the king approaches the knights outside of the bedroom, and asks the first knight "Did you sleep with my daughter last night?" The knight replied "No." The king then ordered the man's pants to be dropped, and upon seeing the knight's sliced penis, ordered him to be taken away and executed. The king repeated to the second knight, "Did *you* sleep with my daughter?" The second knight owned up and said, "Yes." The king ordered the man to be executed immediately. The king then said to the third knight, "Did you attempt to sleep with my daughter?" and the knight opened his mouth, and said "I wpluod nefew twi to fwuk yow dertur."

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What's long and hard on a black man?

The First grade!

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An eagle goes looking for a mate...

He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon." The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk." Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, I don't make love." Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and picks up a duck. "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you made a mistake!"

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What do you call a man with his hand up a horses ass?

An Amish mechanic. A favorite from Robin Williams

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What do you call a group of politically similar crows?

A cawcus

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Knock knock

Who's there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless...

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The 3 Spies

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!". EDIT: Glad everyone likes this joke. I want to give credit to a great friend of mine named Ron who told it to me.

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Sex is like a game of cards.

....if you Dont have a good partner you better have a good hand!!!!

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If you watch Cinderella backwards...

..it's about a women who learns her place. Old one but still funny.

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How do you date a ghost?

You 'WOOOO' him!

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How to make right decisions

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." "And, sir, What is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get Experience?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions"

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How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint...

...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest?

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I wouldn't say I do a lot of psychedelics...

But my couch has seatbelts.

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Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants

They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!

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The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions: "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

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Pieces of cooked meat have been found on mount Everest recently...

The steaks have never been higher.

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A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..

She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

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A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian..."

The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

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What you you call a girl you meet on Reddit?

You don't.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before: Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me" Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!" The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight. Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?" Italian: "Once" Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?" Italian: "Don't stop"

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What did one hat say to another?

You stay here, I'll go on a head!

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How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its dick.

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I stripped naked after losing a bet yesterday.

I'm now barred from my local bookies.

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I thought my watch ran out of battery power...

It scared me for a second.

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What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole?

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick.

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An Elderly Man Goes to the Doctor’s.

“Help, Doc. I just got married to this 21 year old woman. She is hot and all she wants to do is have sex all day long.” “So what’s the problem?” Breaking down in tears.... “I can’t remember where I live.”

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Thor

The god of thunder is riding through the sky on his mighty stallion. With lightning crashing all around, he triumphantly screams, "I'M THOR!" His horse looks up and says, "Of courthe you are, you forgot your thaddle thilly!"

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Which Jedi can save PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

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The Magic Lamp

A man walks into a bar looking rather down on his luck. The Bartender asks what's wrong, and the man produces a foot tall gent wearing a tuxedo from his jacket pocket. Before the Bartender can ask, the man proceeds to open his suitcase, and plonks a tiny piano in front of the little man. The little guy starts playing his heart out, the Bartender couldn't help but smile at the spectacle. Surprised that someone could be sad with such an obvious money-maker in their pocket, the Bartender asks the man how he came across this gift. The man once again reached into his pocket and pulled a lamp, explaining that it was magic and he got one wish. The Bartender snatched it away and greedily started rubbing, quietly mumbling his wish. At first there was nothing. Slowly a rumble of high pitched noise started building up in the distance. As it got louder, it became clear the sound was the quacking and squawking of ducks flying low toward the bar. Hundreds of thousands of ducks attacked the building, smashing windows and breaking roof tiles. After 10 or so minutes the last of the ducks had gone, and the Bartender gets out from behind the bar to survey the damage. His bar is ruined, covered in duck shit and dead ducks. The man was still at the bar. Suddenly outraged, the Bartender grabs the man by the jacket and asks "I thought you said this lamp was magic! This wasn't my wish at all!!" The man slowly turned and said "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

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At any time, the temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.......

A whim away.

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Hey, Jose!

How many of our friends do you see? Just Juan.

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Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him and informs him that all newcomers to heaven are allowed a single question to ask of The Almighty. Pete gestures to a magnificent pedestal nearby and says to Zebra, "just step up there and ask away." Zebra walks over to the pedestal and nervously steps on. The pedestal immediately illuminates with blinding light and a booming voice from above echoes, "WHAT TRUTH DOES THY SEEK MY CHILD?" Zebra looks up and says "Well, God, i've always wanted to know.. am i black with white stripes? or am i white with black stripes? The voice echoes again. "YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE." then the light fades. Zebra looks at St. Peter inquisitively. Pete says "you're clearly white with black stripes.." Zebra, "how do you know that??" Pete, "well if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'YOU IS WHAT YOU IS'

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Two aliens sitting in a bar...

The first looks at the second and says "bleep loop do dooee day baaarrggg" The second looks ask at the first a d says "shut up frank, you're drunk"

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What do you call the deaf man with no limbs?

Whatever you want.

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Apparently women prefer men who are taller than them.

So I guess it could be said that tall women have higher standards.

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27

A small rabbit was simply hopping around a large hole of which the bottom was yet to be seen. Our jolly fellow was hopping around the edge, saying: 27, 27, 27, 27, 27,27, 27, 27...... and so on and so forth A bear walks up to the the rabbit with a quizzical look on his face. "Why our you saying that number while jumping around this hole?" asked the bear. The rabbit responded nothing. So the bear decided to look over the edge of the hole, the rabbit the swiftly pushed the bear over the edge, making him fall to it's demise. The rabbit then proceeded to hop around the hole again, this time saying: 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28, 28......

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A man and a woman walk into an elevator.

After a little while of standing in silence, he turns to her and says "excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" She flushes crimson red and huffs "YOU MOST CERTAINLY CAN NOT!" "Oh," he says, "must be your feet then."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A Guy is Walking Through a Marina

He looks over and sees a Boat with AMB on the prow. As he's thinking about it.... American ships are called USS...United States Ship British are called HMS...Her Majesty's Ship For the life of him he could not place what AMB would stand for. So he calls down to the gentleman standing on the boat: "Excuse me but what does the label "AMB" stand for?" The guy looks up and yells, "ATSA MY BOAT!!!"

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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

An Engineer goes to heaven

An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Come right in. We can always use another engineer". But the engineer does his due diligence and asks to see both Heaven and Hell before deciding where he wants to spend eternity. Heaven is nice but seems dull. Hell, on the other hand, has all sorts of problems that an engineer can enjoy fixing so the engineer decides to go to Hell instead. Some time later God, being a prick, calls down to Hell to ask Lucifer if it is hot enough for him. Lucifer says "Heck no. Since we got that engineer things have become much better. He has drained the stinking swamps, put out the infernal flames and installed air conditioning. Things are quite pleasant here." "An engineer?" exclaims God. "You can't have an engineer. They all go to heaven. Sent him up here immediately." "No," says the devil. "We like him. We're keeping him." "You can't keep him. If you don't send him to heaven I'll sue" says God. At this the devil just laughs and laughs. "Sue? Where are you going to get a lawyer."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

Racist St. Peter

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back." St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!" St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone." “The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God. "No. The Pearly Gates."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

What is a simile?

It's like a metaphor.

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My uncle performed circumcisions...

He kept all the foreskin and had a tailor make it into a wallet. Rub it for 5 minutes and you get a briefcase.

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What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hareline.

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What did the left leg say to the right leg?

Dont talk to the middle leg he is a dick.

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Sometimes having an extra chromosome...

really gets me down

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What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They're both en route to uranus to wipe out the klingons

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I used to be addicted to having sex with bars of soap.

But then I came clean.

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A snake walks into a bar

And the bartender yells, "How the fuck did you just walk in here?!"

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Dr. Feelgood

Doctor Feelgood is visiting the mental institution to see the latest condition of some of his patients. He is led into the first room, opens the door, and meets Charlie. At that moment he is swinging an imaginary golf club in the air. "Well, Charlie," says Feelgood. "When do you think you will be getting out?" "No problem," replies Charlie, swinging away. "Just as soon as I hit a hole-in-one." Feelgood shakes his head and goes on to the next room. There he finds Chester swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "Hello, Chester," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Oh, soon," replies Chester. "Just as soon as I hit this home-run." Feelgood shakes his head again, and is led to the next room. He walks in and finds Donald rubbing a bag of peanuts up against his open zipper. "Hello, Donald," says Feelgood. "And when do you think you will be getting out?" "Out? Are you kidding?" says Donald excitedly. "I'm fucking nuts!"

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Multiple personality disorder has made my sex life hard...

I want to masturbate , but I'm not into orgies.

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

The stalker

A woman had a stalker who always was bugging her to have sex with him. The woman eventually grew tired of his constant begging and thought of a way to get rid of him. "Before I have sex with you, you must buy me a diamond necklace with matching diamond earrings" To her surprise, the stalker returned the very next day with a beautiful diamond necklace and matching earrings as she requested. The woman responded with a task she thought her stalker could surely not accomplish. "Before I have sex with you, I want you to buy me a brand new Porsche." The woman was stunned as the man returned the next day in a brand new Porsche convertible . The woman quickly thought of an excuse to avoid having sex with the stranger. "Im sorry but I can only have sex with someone who has a 12 inch penis." she explained. The woman felt relieved as her stalker walked away. To her astonishment, the man returned half an hour later, weeping, with a pair of bloody scissors in hand, and his pants around his ankles with the remainder of his penis wrapped in bandages.

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Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

He doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking a chicken.

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A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the distance we saw a flash of lightning and decided to get the kids inside. As we were running towards the house, my niece dropped the dolphin toy and the wind got ahold of it and blew it across the yard. Fearing it would blow away and be lost forever, i frantically chased after it, but to no avail, it jumped the fence but came to rest in the neighbors rosebush. Some of the thorns had punctured the thin plastic and, upon examination, i saw air escaping through 3 small holes in the side. "Well, I guess that deflates the porpoise."

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

A pirate walks into a bar...

Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub. The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches, "Are you really a pirate?" he asks "Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service." "Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?" "Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink." Eager to hear his story, the man buys the pirate a drink and sits to listen. "Well, first, me leg. Aye, 'twas a great gale in the midst of the Atlantic, and one of my men and fallen over board after a rogue wave hit the ship. I was haulin' him in off the netting when I great white shark leapt out of the water and bit me leg off at the knee..." "Wow," says the bar patron, "that's amazing! And your hand?" "Aye, me hand... We were searchin' fer buried treasure off'a the Florida Keys, when while hackin' through the brush, I stumbled upon a great alligator who was right bothered about me beein' there. I fought the beast valiantly, but the bastard took me hand..." "Oh this is incredible!" The man exclaims, "So the eye-patch...how's you lose the eye?" The pirate pauses, a little reticent to reveal this last injury... "Well...a seagull pooped in me eye..." "What? Seagull poops in your eye and now you need an eye-patch?" "Aye...T'was me first day with the hook..."

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I can't play music in piano;

I guess you could say it's not my forte.

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Do you know the fat catholic woman? [OC]

She has mass.

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What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

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why did Bob quit working at the toilet paper factory?

Because he was tired of working with assholes all day

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They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship

Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.

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What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

A pedophile.

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Where do Bees use the bathroom?

At the BP station. (thanks grandma)

Write a joke that starts with the following setup

An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up! After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly. The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time? Little Johnny replies: No ma’am, it’s just painful to see you standing all alone.

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Why did the Jew vote for Obama?

Because he promised change.

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All women are different.

Yet none of them can drive.

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How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry it

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Do you remember blowing bubbles when you were a kid?

He's back in town and wants your number.

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What did the young digital clock say to its Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

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50,000 battered women a year...

And I still eat mine plain!

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What is the difference between a straight man's mustache and a gay man's mustache?

The smell.

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"Hi, My name is John Foreman and I run a cabinet making business."

John said counter-productively.