conversations
listlengths 3
3
|
|---|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up.They decided to party instead.Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to twoseparate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.\"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.\"At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. \"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, \"Ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where's the money?\"The deaf replies, \"I don't know what you're talking about.\" The interpreter tells the hood, \"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.\"The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. \"NOW ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where is the money?\"The deaf man replies, \"The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .\"The interpreter says to the hood, \"He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, \"Rest in Peace\". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist replied, \"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family's. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time.After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, \"Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?\"Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, \"We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider' information, dear?\"\"That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!\" says Dan to his lovely wife. \"You know, sometimes you're just too smart,\" as he leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating \"CLINTONS SPLURGE ON SOLID GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE\" Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, \"Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Prime Minister Netanyahu and the Pope have a meeting to explore ways of finding an equitable settlement to the escalating problems in the Middle East.After days of getting nowhere, they decide in desperation to settle their differences by means of a golf match. The agreement is that if the Vatican's player wins, the Pope's views will prevail; if Israel's player wins, Netanyahu's methods will be employed.The Pope decides to recruit Arnold Palmer for the job, but his advisors object that Palmer isn't even a Catholic. \"Not to worry,\" says the Pope. \"We'll make him a Cardinal.\" Palmer is promptly ordained.The match is played, with the entire world aware that the fate of peace in the Middle East is riding on the outcome. Palmer loses.The Pope phones him after the match and gasps in disbelief, \"Arnold, what happened?? We were sure you couldn't possibly lose!\"Palmer replies, \"So was I, Father I'm devastated. I trained for weeks to prepare for this match. But who could know I'd be up against Rabbi Tiger Woods?\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.\"What is that phone for?\" he asks the pontiff.\"It's my direct line to the Lord!\"The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.After hanging up the Rabbi says. \"Thank you very much. This is great!But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.\" The Pope, of courserefuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.He checks the counter on the phone and says:\"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira.\"The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official \"visit\".In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divineconsultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: \"1 Shekel 50!\"The Pope looks surprised: \"Why so cheap!\"The Rabbi smiles: \"Local call.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, \"What seems to be the problem?\"\"We,\" said the professor of mathematics, \"were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.\"The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, \"It is exactly 20 feet long,\" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, \"Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible.\"What are you doing?\" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, \"Looking for loopholes.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer cooly said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\"The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?\"The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\" .\"Yeah,\" the interviewer shrugged, \"But you started it.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, \"Good morning Anthony.\"\"Good morning father,\" replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.\"Father Murphy, what is this?\" Anthony asked.\"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.\"Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked, \"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school, high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around the game. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years. After they retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league.However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death?Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death.Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued:Joe: \"Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news\"Fred: \"Well, what is the good news\"Joe: \"We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night\"Fred: \"THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?\"Joe: \"You have the plate!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, \"Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?\"\"Oh, yes, indeed,\" said Auntie, beaming. \"Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,\" she added, as she held out her hands, \"I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III10. The third Gogh around9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer8. The last supper7. Ear-reconcilable differences6. Grazing Bull5. You wanna piece of me?4. Blood, Sweat and Ears3. Lobe's labor lost2. Bite of the century1. Why? Because I lobe it"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"What's wrong with your husband?\" the psychiatrist asked.\"He thinks he's a chicken,\" answered the woman.\"How long has he been acting like a chicken?\"\"Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, \"Too bad that girls has no standard interface.\"\"They have,\" replied the other programmer, \"but there is no standard way to get to it.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,\"Are there any gators around here?!\"\"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\"\"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.About halfway there he asked the guy,\"How'd you get rid of the gators?\"\"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said.\"The sharks got 'em.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs ?\" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,\"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately.\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them ?\"\"No.\" replied the Seer somberly. \"But he didn't ask for matches.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Staff NoticeWith immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.MANAGEMENT"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June.\"The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July.\"The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, \"This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August.\"The Devil says, \"That's it, I'll get this farmer.\" He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. \"Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS.\"A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, \"The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. \"Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you're the star of the team, but you're failing your classes and I can't let you play.\"\"Give me a break, coach!\" pleads the jock.\"I'll tell you what - I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play... what is two plus two?\"The jock counts on his fingers, \"one, two, three,... The answer must be four!\"\"Did you say four?\" asks the excited coach.\"Sure did, Coach!\"As the coach starts to jump and scream in excitement, the other members of the team can be heard begging, \"Gee, come on coach, give him another chance!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .\"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.Caution: Do not step on exhaust.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, \"The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today.\" Little Johnny said to himself, \"Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here.\"The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, \"Abraham Lincoln?\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Susie. You may go.\" Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.The teacher asked, \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, \"Martin Luther King!\" The teacher said, \"That's right, Mary. You may go.\" Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?\" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, \"John Kennedy!\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Nancy. You may go.\" Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, \"I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!\"The teacher spun around. \"WHO SAID THAT?\" Johnny said, \"BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days.\"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\"\"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you'djust hear slap, slap, jingle.\"\"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other off hand, \"just our medals.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday.Shlomo, the oldest, said: \"I built a big mansion for our mother.\"Moishe, the second, said: \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\"Ira, the youngest, said: \"You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse.\"A few days later a letter arrived from their mother.\"Shlomo,\" she wrote, \"the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\"\"Moishe,\" she wrote, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver - he's a pain in the tuchas.\"\"But Ira,\" she wrote, \"the chicken was delicious!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, \"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:\"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, \"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!\"\"Don't worry, Bubba,\" Earl said. \"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.\"\"What fer?\", asked Bubba.Just let me do the talkin,' OK?\", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, \"You boys been drinkin'?\"\"No, sir,\" said Earl. \"We's on the patch!"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On her way to work a lady passed a new pet shop. She had a few minutes to spare, so she walked into the store and took a look around. Near the store window she saw a cage with a beautiful red parrot in it. She admired him for a few minutes, when the parrot said to her: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!A little upset at the rude parrot, the woman left the store and went to work.Later that day on her way home from the office she saw the same parrot in the window. Again the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady, you arereally ugly!\"Mad at the bird, she rushed home.When she passed the pet store on her way to work the next morning, the parrot said it again: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!\"Well, the lady was furious! Cursing in a rather unlady-like manner,she stormed into the store and demanded to see the owner. She told him that she was going to sue him and kill the bird if he didn't stop harassing her. The man behind the counter apologized and promised the bird would not say it again.When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady...\"She paused and said, \"Yes?\"And the bird said: \"You know.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Thorn was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Thorn turned down the soup, so they gave up.In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.When Thorn got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, \"Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, \"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.\"\"We don't have any.\" replied the first blonde. \"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.\" said the Game Warden.\"But officer,\" replied the second blonde, \"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.\"The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. \"Well, I know of no law against it,\" said the Game Warden, \"take all the debris you want.\" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. \"What a dumb Fish Cop,\" the second blonde said to the other two, \"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, \"I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven.\" The uncle wrote back: \"You did all right.I only sent six.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: \"So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?\"Bob replied: \"Well - sort - of. - But - now - I - must - talk - very - slow - and - be - very - careful - to - articulate - words - properly.\"Jimmy smiled and said: \"Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you.\"Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell. Jimmy asked: \"What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?\"Bob answered: \"No, - I - don't - think - so.\"\"Why? What happened?\" Jimmy asked.Bob explained: \"Well, - everything - went - well - at - first. - We - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree, - so - I - tried - to - be - witty - and - said:\"Look, - honey, - after - we're - married, - you - can - do - that - to - me!\" - But - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - butt!"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says \"I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.\"Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, \"If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.\"Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, \"I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.\"At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, \"I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.\"OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?\" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.\"Yes, yes, yes!\" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.\"Good,\" said the first bat, \"Because I didn't!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. \"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,\" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. \"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.\"\"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,\" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. \"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.\"Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. \"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.\"\"So what does she do?\" asked the two women, turning to her.\"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her \"$60.\"The lady was outraged: \"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!\"\"But you don't bite, do you?\" the girl replied."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.\"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed theking's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this bloke who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.Picking up a stick, he throws it and says 'Fetch.' Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says 'Drop' and the dog drops the stick at his feet. 'Roll over' and the dog rolls over.By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.\"Sure,\" replies the evangelist.\"Heel,\" says the ownerAnd the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, \"I command this sickness to leave you...\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary's high school reunion in Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, \"Gee, that guy looks so familiar!\" A few minutes later, it hit her. \"Bill!\" she said, \"I do know that guy! We used to date in high school!\"Bill turned to Hillary and said, \"Well, aren't you glad you ended up with me?\"\"Why?\" asked Hillary.\"Because I'm the President of the United States and he's pumping gas!\"\"Well,\" said Hillary, \"If I had married him, he'd be President!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling and soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.The wife whispers urgently, \"What are we going to do?\"\"Nothing whatsoever,\" responds her husband. \"The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants ten to nothing, when the ants gained possession of the ball. The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left back came stampeding towards him.The elephant stepped on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee blew his whistle, stopped the game, and gave the elephant the red card.\"Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!\" the other ant players screamed.\"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?\" the referee asked the distraught elephant.The elephant cried: \"I didn't mean to kill him! I was just trying to trip him!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Ballad Of The Y2K(sing to the tune of \"Gilligan's Island\")Just sit right back and you'll hear a taleOf the doom that is our fate.That started when programmers usedTwo digits for a dateTwo digits for a dateRAM memory was smaller then;Hard drives were tiny, too.\"Four digits are extravagant,So let's get by with two.So let's get by with two.\"\"This works through 1999,\"The programmers did say.\"Unless we write new code by thenThe data goes away.The data goes away.\"But management had not a clue;\"It works fine now, you bet!Rewriting code cost money,We won't do it just yet.We won't do it just yet.\"Now when 2000 rolls aroundIt all goes straight to hell,For zero less then ninety-nine,As anyone can tell.As anyone can tell.The mail won't bring your pension check;It won't be sent to youWhen you're no longer sixty-eightBut minus thirty-two.But minus thirty-two.The problems we're about to faceAre frightening, for sure.And reading every line of code'sThe only certain cure.The only certain cure.[ key change, the big finish coming ]There's not much time, there's too much code,And COBOL-coders, few.When the century is finished,We may be finished, too."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, \"Republicans.\" The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, \"Thatta boy!\" A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, \"Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?\" The boy said, \"Democrats\" Bush looked crushed, saying, \"What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!\" The boy said, \"Well, the puppies opened their eyes.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers.Superman yells down, \"Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?\" Batman shouts back up, \"No, Superman. I've got everything under control.\"Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, \"Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!\" Aquaman looks up and yells back, \"Sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here.Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. \"Yes!\" thinks Superman. \"If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!\" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught.Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, \"What was that all about?\"Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, \"I don't know, but my butt is killing me.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants.The bartender says,\"Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants.\"The pirate says,\"Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\" The man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.\" \"Oh I see,\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\" He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, \"Why are there three in this package.\" The dad replies, \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\" \"Cool!\" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks \"Then who are these for?\" \"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\" \"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy. \"Then who uses these?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, \"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.\"The woman freed the frog and the frog said, \"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!\"The woman said, \"That would be okay,\" and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, \"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.\"The woman replied, \"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.\"So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, \"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. \" The woman said, \"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.\"So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, \"I'd like a mild heart attack.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, \"What would you like, sir?\"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, \"A quickie.\"The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, \"What would you like, sir?\" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, \"A quickie, please.\"This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding \"SMACK!\" and storms away.A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, \"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was way back when buses first came out. There was a young guy who's gramma just died and he needed to get to his other family to tell them. So he gets dressed in a hurry and runs to the bus stop. The bus driver stops and the guy started walking down the aile and the bus driver said to give him a dime(thats how much it cost back then). So the guy says, \"hold on, I'll have to go get a dime from someone.\" The guy starts running down the street asking people for a dime and everyone says no. He finds a prostitute and says, \"Mam can I have a dime, I'll owe you forever.\" She pulls out a dime drops it in her panties \"If you want it, come and get it but you must use your mouth\" After he's been down there, he gets on the bus and spits it into the driver's hand The bus driver says, \"Hey... how far do you think your gonna get on a scab?\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Legend has it that in a pub in Newyork has a magic mirror that will grant wishes if you tell the truth.If you don't POOF you're gone in a flash of smoke. A brunette,a redhead and a blonde went to this pub and headed straight for the mirror. The redhead walked up to it and said \"I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world.\" POOF.She was gone. The brunette walked up and said \"I think I am the most sexiest girl in the world.\" POOF.She too had disappaered. The blonde walked up and said \"I think...\" POOF!"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man \"Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!\" The midwife asks \"Is this her first Child?\" Bemused, the man says \"No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. \"Mary... Mary.... \" \"Is that you Fred?\" \"Yes, I have come back like we agreed.\" \"What is it like?\" \"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start all over again.\" \"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.\" * \"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a party on top of a large buildings roof. Two guys were off to the corner when the first guy said \"Watch this\"! and with that jumped off the roof. To the second man's suprise he just stayed suspended there and floated back.\"Wow!\" said the second man, \"I'll give you $20 if you do that again!\" So the first man did it again. Handing over the $20, the second man shouted \"Right! My turn!\" and with that jumped off to his death.Then another man came up and said to the first \"Damn you're a bastard when you're drunk, Superman!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. \"There might be some matches in the top drawer,\" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. \"Is this your husband?\"he inquired nervously. \"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him. \"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked. \"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear. \"Well, who is he then?\" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, \"Go ahead, ask me, Iknow all of them.\" A friend says, \"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?\" The blonde replies, \"Oh, that's easy: W.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About 2 hours.\" The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, \" How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, \"About 3 hours.\" The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About an hour and a half.\" The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, \"Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.\" A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, \"Bill, where did he go when he left here?\" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,\" Your house.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, \"Where are you going?\" He replies, \"To the kitchen.\" She asks, \"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?\" He replies, \"Sure.\" She then asks him, \"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?\" He says, \"No, I can remember that.\" She then says, \"Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that.\" He says, \"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.\" She replies, \"Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.\" With irritation in his voice, he says, \"I don't need to write that down I can remember that.\" He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, \"You forgot my toast.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, \"Good Morning, Mr. Crow.\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"Good Morning Mr. Rabbit.\" Mr. Rabbit shouted up, \"Whatcha doin' today?\" and the answer shouted back down was, \"Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it.\" Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, \"Do you think I could do that too?\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"I don't see why not!\" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a man sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a truckie came in and drank it all. The guy burst into tears.\"It was only a joke, I'll get you another one\" said the truckie.\"That's not it,see I went to work and got fired, then I went to the parking lot and my car was stolen, then I went home to find my wife with another man. So now I'm here, and just when I'm about to end it all, you come in and drink my poisoned Beer."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a Family in Egypt and is named \"Amal.\" The other goes to a family in Spain; They name him \"Juan.\" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, \"But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. \"Not yet,\" said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. \"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my \"cereal?\" he asks. \"Well,\" his mother says, \"I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.\" Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, \"Are you going to tell him, or should I?\"."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which is the other possiblity. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as \"Euro-English.\" In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\" The stock boy replied, \"No ma'am, they're dead.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.\"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.\"The minister said, \"Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?\"My uncle responded, \"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two mathematicians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but not to worry, there were three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, the pilot again came over the intercom. He announced that a second engine failed, and while they still had two left, it would now take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the intercom buzzed again, and the pilot announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one mathematician turned to the other and said, \"You realize that if we lose that last engine we'll be up here forever!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out.\"They must have reproduced!\" cries the biologist.\"It can't be physically done!\" cries the psychologist.\"You guys are both wrong\" says the mathematician. \"Now there are negative one person in the house."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, \"Man, Its getting hot in here.\"The other sausage screams and says, \"AH! A talking sausage!!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Gravy Ladle In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, \"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?\" The pastor said, \"Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter.\" So he wrote, \"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner.\" The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, \"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed... you would have found the gravy ladle by now!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, \"Oh, God! Help me!\" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, \"I thought you didn't believe in Me!\" \"Come on God, give me a break!!,\" the man pleaded. \"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says \"No, my father said I don't have to do this.\" Her husband says OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. \"I've never been better!\" he boasted. \"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?\" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, \"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.\" The doctor continued, \"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.\" \"And do you know what happened?\" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied \"No\". The doctor continued, \"The bear dropped dead in front of him!\" \"That's impossible!\" exclaimed the old man. \"Someone else must have shot that bear.\" \"That's kind of what I'm getting at...\" replied the doctor."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off , when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle with a seat all to himself.The first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, and I set him to work.Eventually, the plane takes off and when it levels out the handler says to the first manWatch this. He tells the dog\"Rover, search\". The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle to the back of the plane and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handlersarm. He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says,That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note ofthis, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the man says to the dog \"Rover search\".This time he sent the dog down to the front of their plane.The dogsniffs about,sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and placesboth paws on the handlers arm He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and theseat number. That's marvellous, I never seen anything like it! says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat and this time craps all over the place.The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks What the bloody hell is going on? The handler replies \"Oh god, He's just found a bomb!!"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple are coming back from their holidays and they're trying to work out how they're going to smuggle the Skunk they picked up for a very reasonable price at Skunks-R-Us through Customs. The husband suddenly comes up with an idea. He turns to his wife and says \"Put it down the front of your knickers\".The wife looks shocked and asks \"What about the smell?\"\"Well,\" exclaimes the husband \"If it dies, it dies!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly man and his wife showed up at a doctors office for an appointment for the old man. Once in the office,the doctor tells the old man he needs a urine sample, as stool sample, and a sperm sample. Now the old man, being hard of hearing asks his wife,\"What, what did he say?\" At which time his wife yells in his ear, \"He wants to see your underwear\"."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. Ittook elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\" Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\" \"Dearest Fred,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says \"Those are deer tracks.\"The second blonde says \"No, those are bear tracks.\"The third blonde says \"You are both wrong, those are moose tracks.\"Then the get hit by a train."
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. \"What's up ?\" he says. \"I'm having a heart attack\", cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4 year old son comes up and says, \"Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on !\" The guy slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked cowering on the wardrobe floor. \"You bastard\", says the husband, \"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, \"Do you have something you would like to say?\" Fred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. \"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside.\" Gathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. \"You know,\" he said, \"Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.\" He unfolded the note and proceeded to read aloud, \"YOU'RE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife \"Mother of Six\" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?\" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretionshouts back... \"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a \"code\" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: \"MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE\" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: \"Satisfaction to the last drop...\" So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: \"ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES\". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: \"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE\" And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: \"BRITISH AIRWAYS\" And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: \"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man moved to an unfamaliar area and was very lonely.So he decides to buy some pets.He went walking into town and noticed a man selling chickens.He went up to the man and said: \"I'll take one hen and one rooster.\" The man gladly sold him the birds but warned: \"Sure sir, but just be advised we call them cocks and pullets around here, not roosters and hens.\" The man joyfully left with his two new pets and decided to buy one more.So he came up to a man selling donkeys. \"I'll take that donkey\" he said, pointing a particularly healthy looking donkey. \"Sure sir, but first of all we call them asses around here, not donkeys, and this particular one is pecuilar.She will stop walking after a while, but if she does, just scratch her on the back and she will start back up again.\" So the man bought the donkey and went on his way home.Sure enough, the donkey stopped walking after a while.The man had his hands full with the birds, so he couldn't scratch her.Luckily, a woman walked by.The man looked at her and smiled saying: \"Will you please hold my cock and pull it while I scratch my ass!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Englishman, a New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar for a drink. The Kiwi orders a round of Tequila Slammers for the group.They slam and down their drinks in one.The Kiwi then picks the glasses up in one hand and throws them in the air. He draws a pistol and shoots the three glasses before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks \"Why did you do that?\"The Kiwi replies that because they have so much sand in New Zealand it's easy making glasses so they never have to use the same one twice.The South African then orders three Tequila Slammers and they each slam and down their drink.The South African then picks the glasses up, throws them in the air, draws his gun and shoots them before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks why he did it and like the Kiwi explains that there is so much sand in South Africa that glass can be easily made which means never having to drink out of the same glass twice.So the Englishman orders three Tequila Slammers. Each one duly is slammed and downed. The Englishman then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and the South African.A man runs up and asks \"Why the hell did you shoot them?\" He replies \"Well I'm from Earls Court where there are thousands of 'em. So it means I never have to drink with the same ones twice.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, \"Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.\" Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, \"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.\" Well, a couple of days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asked him why he was leaving and the boy said, \"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.Freddie says \"I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be\"\"Pretty good, Fred\" said St Peter, \"what about you Gianni?\"Versace says, \"I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place\"\"Not bad\" says St Peter. \"What about you Di?\"Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.\"Excellent, you're in\" says St Peter\"Hold on a f*cking minute\" says Freddie \"She didn't even say anything\"\"Bo!!ocks, Fred you know the rules\" says St Peter, \"A royal flush beats a pair of Queens every time....\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An American couple was sitting outside a souvenir shop in the desert, waiting for their tour bus. A local salesman approached them. After an impassioned sales pitch yielded no results, the salesman eyed the wife thoughtfully. \"I'll give you 100 camels for your wife,\" he offered. The husband looked stunned, and there was an awkward silence. Finally he replied, \"She's not for sale.\" \"What took you so long to answer?\" the wife cried indignantly as soon as the salesman left. \"Well,\" her husband replied, \"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburned on his\"tool of trade\". Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young Man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief from his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his unit immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled, the blonde exclaimed, \"So, THAT'S how you load those things!\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde had just bought two horses but she couldn’t tell them apart. She went and asked a neighbour for some help \"I can't tell these horses apart\" she said.The neighbour told her to cut the tail of one of them off. So the blonde cut off the tail, and that worked great until the other one got it's tail cut off too. So, the blonde goes and tells the neighbour \"I can’t tell them apart again!”.Well says the neighbour “Try cutting off the tip of one of the horses ears.” So the blonde cuts off the tip of the ear. That also worked great until the other one got a part of it's ear cut off. The Blonde goes back to the neighbour and tells him what happened. The neighbour says well measure them that will work for sure. It worked a treat since the white one was 6 inches taller than the black one!"
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at herand says,\"Kin ya swaller?\" The woman shakes herhead, no. \"Kin ya breathe?\" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the backof her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboywalks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, \"Ya know, I'd heard of that there \"Hind Lick maneuver\", but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.\""
}
]
|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On the local rock radio station the DJ was reading out some requests. \"This is a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's one hundred and eleven!\" Puzzled by how someone could be that old and listening to rock music, he re-read the message on the sheet of paper in front of him, and then said \"Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it's a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's ill.\""
}
]
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.