conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On her way to work a lady passed a new pet shop. She had a few minutes to spare, so she walked into the store and took a look around. Near the store window she saw a cage with a beautiful red parrot in it. She admired him for a few minutes, when the parrot said to her: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!A little upset at the rude parrot, the woman left the store and went to work.Later that day on her way home from the office she saw the same parrot in the window. Again the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady, you arereally ugly!\"Mad at the bird, she rushed home.When she passed the pet store on her way to work the next morning, the parrot said it again: \"Hey lady, you are really ugly!\"Well, the lady was furious! Cursing in a rather unlady-like manner,she stormed into the store and demanded to see the owner. She told him that she was going to sue him and kill the bird if he didn't stop harassing her. The man behind the counter apologized and promised the bird would not say it again.When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot squawked: \"Hey lady...\"She paused and said, \"Yes?\"And the bird said: \"You know.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs ?\" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,\"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately.\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them ?\"\"No.\" replied the Seer somberly. \"But he didn't ask for matches.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, \"All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he's somewhere in Ireland. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'\"So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, \"Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Murphy.\"The bartender replies, \"You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There's Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There's Murphy the Banker, who's president of our local savings bank. There's Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.\"Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on bartender, so he says, \"The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.\"The bartender replies, \"Oh, you're looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Thorn was in the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:00AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it.At 2:00PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.Again, at 5:00PM and 7:00PM, they tried, and both times Thorn turned down the soup, so they gave up.In preparation for the next day's test, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and gave him an enema each time.When Thorn got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, \"Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, \"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.\"\"We don't have any.\" replied the first blonde. \"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.\" said the Game Warden.\"But officer,\" replied the second blonde, \"we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.\"The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. \"Well, I know of no law against it,\" said the Game Warden, \"take all the debris you want.\" And with that, the Game Warden left.As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. \"What a dumb Fish Cop,\" the second blonde said to the other two, \"doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. \"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,\" responded the lawyer. \"Sorry, but I can't do that,\" replied the stonecutter. \"In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ''here lies an honest lawyer\" \"But that won't let people know who it is\" protested the lawyer. \"Certainly will,\" retorted the stonecutter. \"people will read it and exclaim, \"That's Strange!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property.\"Retrieving this duck that I just shot.\" he replied.\"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine.\" replied the farmer.Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.\"No\", replied the farmer, \"I don't know, and I don't care.\"\"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles\", came the reply. \"I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street.\"\"Well,\" said the farmer, \"In Montana the only law we go by is the kicks law.\"\"Never heard of it,\" said Johnny.The farmer said, \"I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours.\"Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. \"Fair enough,\" he said.So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. \"Alright, now it's my turn,\" said Johnny.\"Aw, forget it,\" said the farmer. \"You can have the duck.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.The next day he wrote his uncle, \"I chased them through my neighbor's yard, but only got back eleven.\" The uncle wrote back: \"You did all right.I only sent six.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, \"How'd you do that?\"\"I could tell you, sir,\" the magician answered, \"but then I'd have to kill you.\"After a short pause, the man yelled back, \"Ok, then... just tell my wife!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bob was in love with Nancy, the beautiful young woman across the street. Unfortunately Bob had a speech impediment and she wouldn't marry him because he talked funny. One day he read about a school on the other side of the country, that might be able to help him overcome his handicap. So he enrolled for four months.When Bob returned, his buddy Jimmy picked him up at the airport and asked: \"So? Was it worth it? Were they able to help you?\"Bob replied: \"Well - sort - of. - But - now - I - must - talk - very - slow - and - be - very - careful - to - articulate - words - properly.\"Jimmy smiled and said: \"Don't worry! Nancy loves you. I'm sure she'll marry you.\"Later that night Jimmy dropped Bob off at Nancy's house. But about two hours later Bob rang Jimmy's doorbell. Jimmy asked: \"What are you doing here? Does that mean she's not going to marry you after all?\"Bob answered: \"No, - I - don't - think - so.\"\"Why? What happened?\" Jimmy asked.Bob explained: \"Well, - everything - went - well - at - first. - We - were - sitting - on - the - couch - talking - and - I - saw - the - cat - playing - with - the - balls - on - the - Christmas - tree, - so - I - tried - to - be - witty - and - said:\"Look, - honey, - after - we're - married, - you - can - do - that - to - me!\" - But - by - the - time - I - said - it - and - she - looked, - the - cat - was - licking - his - butt!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says \"I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.\"Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, \"If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.\"Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, \"I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.\"At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, \"I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, \"You can't bring that dog in here.\"\"You don't understand,\" says the man. \"This is no regular dog, he can talk.\"\"Listen, pal,\" says the bartemder. \"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.\"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, \"What's on top of a house?\"\"Roof!\"\"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?\"\"Bark!\"\"And what kind of sport is Judo?\"\"Rough!\"\"I guess you've heard enough,\" says the man. \"I'll take the hundred in twenties.\"The bartender is furious. \"Listen, pal,\" he says, \"get out of here before I belt you.\"As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, \"Do you think I should have said 'gentle'?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting:\"Michael\" he says, That was a close one & you'll have to be careful from now on.\"\"What do you recommend boss?\"\"From now on it's Pepsi & Nike, not COKE & NOOKIE\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to leave him alone and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.\"OK, OK, do you see that tree out there?\" he asked, pointing through the mouth of the cave.\"Yes, yes, yes!\" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.\"Good,\" said the first bat, \"Because I didn't!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far.\"J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?\" he was asked.\"Caddie, my eye,\" explained J.R. \"That's my psychiatrist.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. \"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,\" said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. \"Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.\"\"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,\" declared Mrs. Jones proudly. \"Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house.\"Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. \"Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.\"\"So what does she do?\" asked the two women, turning to her.\"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets.We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone.Practically in tears, he called me on the phone.When I asked what was wrong, he replied, ... \"The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind. The ants are blowing inthe wind.!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her \"$60.\"The lady was outraged: \"I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!\"\"But you don't bite, do you?\" the girl replied."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging betweenthem a young man in a three-piece suit.\"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter,\" said one.\"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,\" said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called forsilence.\"Bring me my biggest sword,\" said Solomon, \"and I shall hew the youngattorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.\"\"Sounds good to me,\" said the first lady.But the other woman said, \"Oh Sire, do not spill innocentblood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.\"The wise king did not hesitate a moment. \"The attorney mustmarry the first lady's daughter,\" he proclaimed.\"But she was willing to hew him in two!\" exclaimed theking's court.\"Indeed,\" said wise King Solomon. \"That shows she is theTRUE mother-in-law.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this bloke who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration.Picking up a stick, he throws it and says 'Fetch.' Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says 'Drop' and the dog drops the stick at his feet. 'Roll over' and the dog rolls over.By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.\"Sure,\" replies the evangelist.\"Heel,\" says the ownerAnd the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, \"I command this sickness to leave you...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.The Pope says, \"What can I do?\"The Colonel says. \"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican.\"The Pope replies, \"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words.\"So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. \"Listen, Your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'\"And the Pope responds, \"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words.\"So the Colonel gives up again.After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. \"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken,' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.The Pope replies, \"Let me get back to you.\"So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, \"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican.\"The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope replies, \"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"How can I ever thank you?\" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.\"My dear woman,\" Darrow replied, \"ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, \"Now there's the biggest horse's arse I've ever seen.\"Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV.\"She's a horse's arse too,\" he said.A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool.\"Hey!\" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. \"This must be Clinton country.\"\"Nope,\" the bartender replied. \"Horse country!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill and Hillary Clinton were traveling to Hillary's high school reunion in Chicago when they had to stop for gas. They pulled up to the full-service pump and waited as the gas station attendant came out to fill up the limo. As he was pumping the gas, Hillary said to Bill, \"Gee, that guy looks so familiar!\" A few minutes later, it hit her. \"Bill!\" she said, \"I do know that guy! We used to date in high school!\"Bill turned to Hillary and said, \"Well, aren't you glad you ended up with me?\"\"Why?\" asked Hillary.\"Because I'm the President of the United States and he's pumping gas!\"\"Well,\" said Hillary, \"If I had married him, he'd be President!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I stopped at a fast food restaurant, intrigued by a sign which offered fat free fries. I decided to give them a try, but I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a batch of fries from the fryer dripping with fat, and then put a bag of these fries in with my order.\"Just a minute,\" I said, \"those aren't fat free.\"\"Yes, they are,\" he replied, \"we only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free.\" ~~~A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says, \"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.\"A voice from the back of the room chirps, \"There's a calendar behind you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling and soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.The wife whispers urgently, \"What are we going to do?\"\"Nothing whatsoever,\" responds her husband. \"The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said \"I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice \"I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.\"Why\", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said \"up here we work by results.\"St. Peter said \"While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.Sure enough, the two bears were still there.\"He's in THAT one!\" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.\"Whatdya do that for!\" exclaimed the lawyer, \"I said he was in the other!\"\"Exactly,\" replied the sheriff, \"and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants ten to nothing, when the ants gained possession of the ball. The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left back came stampeding towards him.The elephant stepped on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee blew his whistle, stopped the game, and gave the elephant the red card.\"Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!\" the other ant players screamed.\"What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?\" the referee asked the distraught elephant.The elephant cried: \"I didn't mean to kill him! I was just trying to trip him!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.\"Let's try to make this look natural,\" she said. \"Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder.\"The father answered, \"If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Ballad Of The Y2K(sing to the tune of \"Gilligan's Island\")Just sit right back and you'll hear a taleOf the doom that is our fate.That started when programmers usedTwo digits for a dateTwo digits for a dateRAM memory was smaller then;Hard drives were tiny, too.\"Four digits are extravagant,So let's get by with two.So let's get by with two.\"\"This works through 1999,\"The programmers did say.\"Unless we write new code by thenThe data goes away.The data goes away.\"But management had not a clue;\"It works fine now, you bet!Rewriting code cost money,We won't do it just yet.We won't do it just yet.\"Now when 2000 rolls aroundIt all goes straight to hell,For zero less then ninety-nine,As anyone can tell.As anyone can tell.The mail won't bring your pension check;It won't be sent to youWhen you're no longer sixty-eightBut minus thirty-two.But minus thirty-two.The problems we're about to faceAre frightening, for sure.And reading every line of code'sThe only certain cure.The only certain cure.[ key change, the big finish coming ]There's not much time, there's too much code,And COBOL-coders, few.When the century is finished,We may be finished, too."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.Andy replied, \"Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while.\"Josh, \"Gee, I never knew you played hockey.\"Andy, \"No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-Offs. I put my foot through the television.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man passed away and went to heaven. When the man arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, \"Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here\".Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter what the deal was. Why are all these clocks here in heaven? St Peter replied, the clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move. Click. The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. Click. It moved another minute.Sam must be into closing a customer right now said St. Peter. The minute hand on his clock moves all day.The man and St Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. Whose clock is this\" asked the man. That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two.They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all of his friends. When the tour was over the man said, \" I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?\"Saint Peter smiled, \"Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box. The little boy said, \"Republicans.\" The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, \"Thatta boy!\" A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, \"Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?\" The boy said, \"Democrats\" Bush looked crushed, saying, \"What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!\" The boy said, \"Well, the puppies opened their eyes.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The answer to the eternal question \"Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, hemade $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? Keep reading!BUT...If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. Game over. Nerd wins."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson, who was coming for a Christmas visit with his wife. \"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.\" She continued, \"There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.\" \"Grandma, that sounds easy,\" replied the grandson, \"but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow\"? To which she answered, \"You're coming empty handed?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers.Superman yells down, \"Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?\" Batman shouts back up, \"No, Superman. I've got everything under control.\"Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, \"Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!\" Aquaman looks up and yells back, \"Sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here.Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. \"Yes!\" thinks Superman. \"If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!\" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught.Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, \"What was that all about?\"Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, \"I don't know, but my butt is killing me.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pirate walks in to a bar, he has the whole pirate gettup: peg leg, funky hat,the long beard, and the parrot. But he has a ship steering wheel in his pants.The bartender says,\"Excuse me, but you have a ship steering wheel in your pants.\"The pirate says,\"Arrrggg, IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "a blonde goes to an electronic store. She goes up to the salesman and says \" I'd like to buy this TV\" the salesman replies \"sorry I don't sell to blondes\" the blonde, very angry goes home. The next day she dresses up very professionally, pins her hair up and puts on a pair of glasses. She goes back to the store and says to the same salesman \"I'd like to buy this TV\" The salesman again says \"sorry but I don't sell to blondes\" Now the blonde is very angry. The next day she dyes her hair brown and puts on the glasses and goes back to the store. Again she says to the salesman \"I'd like to buy this TV\" and again the salesman replies \"Sorry I don't sell to blondes\" The blonde starts yelling \"I'm not blonde, look my hair is brown. Why won't you just sell be the damn TV?\" The salesman replies \"Because it's a microwave\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman. The Italian says, \"When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy\". The Frenchman replies, \"Zat is nothing, when Ah 'avefinished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze waydown her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy\". The Irishman says, \"That's nahtin'. When I'vefinished shaggin' me bord, I get out of bed, walk over to th' window and wipe me whang on the curtain.She hits the roof!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. \"Yoo-hoo,\" she shouted, \"how can I get to the other side?\" The second blonde looked up the river then down the river then shouted back, \"You’re already on the other side.”"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, \"What are these, Dad?\" The man matter-of-factly replies, \"Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.\" \"Oh I see,\" replied the boys pensively. \"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.\" He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, \"Why are there three in this package.\" The dad replies, \"Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.\" \"Cool!\" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks \"Then who are these for?\" \"Those are for college men,\" the dad answers, \"Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.\" \"WOW!\" exclaimed the boy. \"Then who uses these?\" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, \"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windscreen and begins to masturbate. \"Quick, Quick!\" shouts Sister Marilyn. \"What shall we do?\" \"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,\"says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.\"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,\" says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but still clings on and continues with his hissing and masturbating. \"Now what?\" shouts Sister Marilyn. \"Show him your cross,\" says Sister Helen. \"Now you're talking,\" says Sister Marilyn................... She opens the window and shouts, \"Get the f**k off our car you dirty little wanker!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this bar and blondes were celebrating in the corner, with beers shouting, \"41 days, 41 days!!!!\" The bartender watched as they more came in and joined the celebration. He was finally so curious that he went over and said, \"Why are you celebrating shouting, '41 days, 41 days!!!'?\" And a blonde held up a 4 piece puzzle box and said, \"The box said 4 to 6 years, and it only took us 41 days!!!!!!!!!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, \"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.\"The woman freed the frog and the frog said, \"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!\"The woman said, \"That would be okay,\" and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, \"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.\"The woman replied, \"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.\"So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, \"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. \" The woman said, \"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.\"So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, \"I'd like a mild heart attack.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, \"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?They send me a BLIND policeman!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There is a man sitting in a bar, sipping on his beer.A guy slides up next to him andsays, \"If you woke up in the forest, and your arse itched, and when you scratched it, you got Vaseline on your hand, would you tell anyone?\" \"F**k NO!\" \"Well, if you reached farther into the crack of your arse and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?\" \"F**k NO!\" \"Wanna go camping?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the nextmorning he walked in and said: \"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?\" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. \"Wait, ladies,\" cried the professor. \"The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, \"What would you like, sir?\"He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, \"A quickie.\"The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, \"What would you like, sir?\" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, \"A quickie, please.\"This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding \"SMACK!\" and storms away.A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, \"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE'.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In pharmacology all drugs, once their patent expires, are given generic names. For example: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen,and so on.The FDA is looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today that they have settled on: MycoxafailinOther names considered were:MycoxafloppinMydixadrupinMycoxnowworkinMydixarizen......"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two Welsh sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, \"I hear they're doing this to women in England!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was way back when buses first came out. There was a young guy who's gramma just died and he needed to get to his other family to tell them. So he gets dressed in a hurry and runs to the bus stop. The bus driver stops and the guy started walking down the aile and the bus driver said to give him a dime(thats how much it cost back then). So the guy says, \"hold on, I'll have to go get a dime from someone.\" The guy starts running down the street asking people for a dime and everyone says no. He finds a prostitute and says, \"Mam can I have a dime, I'll owe you forever.\" She pulls out a dime drops it in her panties \"If you want it, come and get it but you must use your mouth\" After he's been down there, he gets on the bus and spits it into the driver's hand The bus driver says, \"Hey... how far do you think your gonna get on a scab?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across three dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: \"Ah, you're lovely, aren't you,\" she says to the first dog. \"What's your name then?\" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, \"My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\" Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. \"And what's your name then?\" Again, unbelievably, the second dog answers her, \"My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\" And so she moves on to the last dog. \"Let me guess,\" she says. \"your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles.\" \"No,\" replies the last dog. \"My name's Puddles, and I've had a bloody awful day.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "PISTON BROKE One late evening, a redneck named Leroy came out of the local pub a little drunk. He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of road when all of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Leroy gets out of his pickup, angry as 'hell' and kicks the door real hard and starts walking down the lonely road. About 20 minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped. One of the fella's called out, \"Hey what's the matter Leroy?\" Leroy answers, \"Piston-broke!\" The same fella calls back, \"Ya, we're pissn'd broke too. Get in the truck!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man went into a shoe repair store in his hometown that he had not been in for almost twenty years. He found everything just the way he remembered it. He went up to the counter and asked the man about a pair of shoes that he had left there for heel repair 20 years ago. \"One minute. I'll check.\" replied the man A few minutes later, the repair man came back. \"Well?\" asked the man \"They'll be ready Tuesday.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Paddy and Seamus were flying to the U.S.A. in a jumbo jet when an hour into the flight they heard this message: beep beep \"this is your captain speaking we have just lost one of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equipped to fly us to america on only three engines but we will be delayed for 20 minutes\" An hour later they heard beep beep \"this is your captain speaking, another one of the engines have cut out. Do not be alarmed because this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only two engines but it means we will be delayed a further hour\" This was fine with paddy and seameus and they went to sleep. An hour later they were awakened by beep beep \"this is your captain speaking we have lost a third of our four engines. Do not be alarmed this plane is fully equiped to fly to america on only one engine though our total delay time will be 3 hours 30 minutes\" Paddy then turned to seameus and said \"I hope the other one doesn't go or we'll be up here all night!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man and a woman walk into a doctors office, they tell the doctor that they don't know how to have sex. The doctor tells the couple, \"the man has to stick the longest part of his body into the hariest part of the woman's body\" the doctor then says \"go home and have sex come back in couple of weeks\".They come back after a couple of weeks and tell the doctor that they are not successful. The doctor asks \"what did you do?\" The man answers \"I stuck my nose in her armpit.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A bus driver was taking a group of senior citizens on an outing.During the trip one elderly lady came up to him and told him that she thought she had been molested.The bus driver did not pay much attention to her comment until at the end of the trip another elderly lady told him that she too had been molested. The bus driver noticed an elderly man searching under the seats for something and asked if he could help him.The man told him he had lost his toupee but had not had any luck finding it because his was parted on the side and everyone he had found under the seats were parted in the middle."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Legend has it that in a pub in Newyork has a magic mirror that will grant wishes if you tell the truth.If you don't POOF you're gone in a flash of smoke. A brunette,a redhead and a blonde went to this pub and headed straight for the mirror. The redhead walked up to it and said \"I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world.\" POOF.She was gone. The brunette walked up and said \"I think I am the most sexiest girl in the world.\" POOF.She too had disappaered. The blonde walked up and said \"I think...\" POOF!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The phone rings in the maternity ward. Upon answering, the duty midwife is told by a man \"Mrs Jones is about to give birth, her contractions are just 3 minutes apart!\" The midwife asks \"Is this her first Child?\" Bemused, the man says \"No, don't be daft, this is her Husband!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. \"Mary... Mary.... \" \"Is that you Fred?\" \"Yes, I have come back like we agreed.\" \"What is it like?\" \"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep, then start all over again.\" \"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.\" * \"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde was driving along a country lane one day, when she noticed in a field, another blonde sitting in a boat paddling away but getting no-where fast. Look at that fool she thinks to herself stops the car and exits it.Very annoyed she walks over to the fence and shouts to her \"its dump blondes like you who give other blondes a bad name and if I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, \"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.\"The man replied, \"I agree with you completely.\"This must be a sign from God!\"The woman continued,\"And look at this, here's another miracle - My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break! Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.\"She hands the bottle to the man, as the man nods his head in agreement. He opens it and (due to his traumatic experience) drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,and hands it back to the man.The man asks, \"Aren't you having any?\"The woman replies, \"No. I think I'll just wait for the police.."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.\"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.\"The minister said, \"Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?\"My uncle responded, \"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a party on top of a large buildings roof. Two guys were off to the corner when the first guy said \"Watch this\"! and with that jumped off the roof. To the second man's suprise he just stayed suspended there and floated back.\"Wow!\" said the second man, \"I'll give you $20 if you do that again!\" So the first man did it again. Handing over the $20, the second man shouted \"Right! My turn!\" and with that jumped off to his death.Then another man came up and said to the first \"Damn you're a bastard when you're drunk, Superman!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. \"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.\" The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. \"Well, how is that duck of yours?\" the Doctor inquires. \"He's dead.\" declared the heartbroken man. \"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?\" insisted the Doctor. \"No.\" lamented the man. \"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over,pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. \"There might be some matches in the top drawer,\" she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. \"Is this your husband?\"he inquired nervously. \"No, silly,\" she replied, snuggling up to him. \"Your boyfriend then?\" he asked. \"No, not at all,\" she said, nibbling away at his ear. \"Well, who is he then?\" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, \"That's me before the operation.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, \"Go ahead, ask me, Iknow all of them.\" A friend says, \"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?\" The blonde replies, \"Oh, that's easy: W.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About 2 hours.\" The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, \" How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, \"About 3 hours.\" The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, \"How long before I can get a haircut?\" The barber looks around the shop and says, \"About an hour and a half.\" The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, \"Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes.\" A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, \"Bill, where did he go when he left here?\" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,\" Your house.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Science\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, \"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?\"After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, \"I guess you'd be eating alone.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Daddy, where did I come from?\" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. \"Does that answer your question?\" her father asked. \"Not really,\" the little girl said. \"Marcia said she came from Newcastle. I want to know where I came from.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "God said unto Adam \" You have been quiet lately - is there something wrong? Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. So God said that He would make him a companion and that it would be a woman. And God said\"A woman will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement. She will never get a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want\" Adam asked \"What will it cost me?\" God replied \"An arm and a leg\" Adam asked \"What can I get for a rib?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, \"Where are you going?\" He replies, \"To the kitchen.\" She asks, \"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?\" He replies, \"Sure.\" She then asks him, \"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?\" He says, \"No, I can remember that.\" She then says, \"Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that.\" He says, \"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.\" She replies, \"Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.\" With irritation in his voice, he says, \"I don't need to write that down I can remember that.\" He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, \"You forgot my toast.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Dear God, So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.I am very thankful for that.But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.Amen"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hon,\" he says. \"How do you like your new phone?\" She replies, \"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though.\" \"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband. \"How did you know I was at WalMart?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, \"Good Morning, Mr. Crow.\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"Good Morning Mr. Rabbit.\" Mr. Rabbit shouted up, \"Whatcha doin' today?\" and the answer shouted back down was, \"Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it.\" Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, \"Do you think I could do that too?\" Mr. Crow shouted back down, \"I don't see why not!\" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing. In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him. The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a man sitting in a bar drinking a beer when a truckie came in and drank it all. The guy burst into tears.\"It was only a joke, I'll get you another one\" said the truckie.\"That's not it,see I went to work and got fired, then I went to the parking lot and my car was stolen, then I went home to find my wife with another man. So now I'm here, and just when I'm about to end it all, you come in and drink my poisoned Beer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost one day. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, 'Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess.'Tonto bends down and put his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, 'Buffalo come.' The Lone Ranger says to Tonto 'How do you know?' Tonto Says 'Ear sticky'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, \"Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man looks at him and says, \"I'm a pilot!\" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, \"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!\" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, \"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?\" The young man says, \"I chop wood!\" \"Son,\" the general replies, \"we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?\" \"I chop wood!\" \"Young man,\" huffs the general, \"you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!\" \"Well,\" the young man says, \"you hired my brother!\" \"Of course we did,\" says the general, \"he's a pilot!\" The young man rolls his eyes and says, \"So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Six guys are playing poker when Bill loses $500 on one hand, clutches his chest and falls over dead. Who's going to tell his wife, they all wonder. They draw straws and Bob picks the short one. They tell him to break it to her gently. \"No Problem,\" Bob says. So he drives over to Bill's house and knocks on the door. The wife answers. \"Your husband just lost $500 playing cards,\" he tells her. She screams and says,\"Tell him to drop dead!\" Bob replies,\"Ok. I'll tell him.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a guy who walked into a bar and said to the bartender, \"I'll bet you a beer that I can bite my left eye.\" And the bartender said, Well, nobody can bite their own eye! Sure.\" So the man took out a glass eye and bit it. So he got his free beer from the bartender who had just lost the bet. Then he said, \"I'll bet you another beer I can bite my right eye.\" And the bartender replied, \"No one can have two glass eyes. Sure thing, Sir.\" So the man took out false teeth and bit his left eye."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a Family in Egypt and is named \"Amal.\" The other goes to a family in Spain; They name him \"Juan.\" Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, \"But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy came down to breakfast. Since they lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. \"Not yet,\" said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. \"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my \"cereal?\" he asks. \"Well,\" his mother says, \"I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.\" Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, \"Are you going to tell him, or should I?\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which is the other possiblity. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as \"Euro-English.\" In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'. During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to oza kombinations of letas. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, \"Do these turkeys get any bigger?\" The stock boy replied, \"No ma'am, they're dead.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.\"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.\"The minister said, \"Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?\"My uncle responded, \"No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man sitting at a bar was really drunk when he decided he had to use the restoom.He stubbled off to restroom a few seconds later.After some time had passed the bartender heard this horrifing scream.Since the other customers were starting to leave because of the noice the bartender went back to see what the problem was.When he got back there the bartender asked what was the problem was.The drunk said \"I don't understand everytime I flush the toilet something squeezes my nuts, will you look and tell me what the problem is?\"The bartender looks over and says \" Man I don't know how to tell you this but your sitting on the mop-bucket.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said \"CAW! CAW!\" \"Oh it must be a crow.\" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.\"Tweet tweet!\" she said. \"Oh it must be a sparrow\" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was \"Moooo!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This woman went to her docter because she felt her vagina lips were too large and she wanted to be operated on. She awoke the next morning to find 3 single roses next to her bed. She asked wthe Doctor who they were from. \"The first rose is from me because I thought it was a very brave thing to face this on your own..\"\"The second is from the nurse who assisted in the operation and later went and got her own done..\"\"The third rose is from the man upstairs in the burn unit..... he wanted to thank you for his new ears!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle. So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther (the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE POPPED OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all three wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them their wishes. \"But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American - I want you to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German - you will make the kitchen for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman - you will get the supplies for the restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my requirements, I will grant your wishes.\"So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while the Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other two. Then about 4 days before the genie's expected return, the Oriental disappeared.Well, the genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be shown what they had done.He was amazed by the restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous main lobby - all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the kitchen - full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans - all made from shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder!\"But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?\"The two men said they didn't know. All they knew was that he had disappered a few days ago and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of him since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental, shouting in a loud voice:\"SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two mathematicians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but not to worry, there were three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, the pilot again came over the intercom. He announced that a second engine failed, and while they still had two left, it would now take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the intercom buzzed again, and the pilot announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one mathematician turned to the other and said, \"You realize that if we lose that last engine we'll be up here forever!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A golf club walks into a local bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refused to serve him. \"Why not?\" asked the golf club. \"You'll be driving later,\" replied the bartender."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices, such as little bells, on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray, in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says \"hey, we have a drink named after you!\" \"Really?\" asks the grasshopper, \"You have a drink named Steve?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A biologist, a psychologist, and a mathematician were sitting in a bar drinking coffee.Across the street, they watch as 2 people walk into the house, and then 3 people come out.\"They must have reproduced!\" cries the biologist.\"It can't be physically done!\" cries the psychologist.\"You guys are both wrong\" says the mathematician. \"Now there are negative one person in the house."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, \"Man, Its getting hot in here.\"The other sausage screams and says, \"AH! A talking sausage!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. \"What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?\" Santa asks. \"I want a Barbie and Xena,\" the little girl replies. Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, \"I thought Barbie comes with Ken.\" \"No,\" the little girl says. \"She comes with Xena. She fakes it with Ken.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Gravy Ladle In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, \"Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?\" The pastor said, \"Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter.\" So he wrote, \"Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner.\" The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, \"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed... you would have found the gravy ladle by now!\""
}
] |
Subsets and Splits