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go. I am a contemptible person, Dounia.”
|
“A contemptible person, but ready to face suffering! You are, aren’t
|
you?”
|
“Yes, I am going. At once. Yes, to escape the disgrace I thought of
|
drowning myself, Dounia, but as I looked into the water, I thought that
|
if I had considered myself strong till now I’d better not be afraid of
|
disgrace,” he said, hurrying on. “It’s pride, Dounia.”
|
“Pride, Rodya.”
|
There was a gleam of fire in his lustreless eyes; he seemed to be glad
|
to think that he was still proud.
|
“You don’t think, sister, that I was simply afraid of the water?” he
|
asked, looking into her face with a sinister smile.
|
“Oh, Rodya, hush!” cried Dounia bitterly. Silence lasted for two
|
minutes. He sat with his eyes fixed on the floor; Dounia stood at the
|
other end of the table and looked at him with anguish. Suddenly he got
|
up.
|
“It’s late, it’s time to go! I am going at once to give myself up. But I
|
don’t know why I am going to give myself up.”
|
Big tears fell down her cheeks.
|
“You are crying, sister, but can you hold out your hand to me?”
|
“You doubted it?”
|
She threw her arms round him.
|
“Aren’t you half expiating your crime by facing the suffering?” she
|
cried, holding him close and kissing him.
|
“Crime? What crime?” he cried in sudden fury. “That I killed a vile
|
noxious insect, an old pawnbroker woman, of use to no one!... Killing
|
her was atonement for forty sins. She was sucking the life out of poor
|
people. Was that a crime? I am not thinking of it and I am not thinking
|
of expiating it, and why are you all rubbing it in on all sides? ‘A
|
crime! a crime!’ Only now I see clearly the imbecility of my cowardice,
|
now that I have decided to face this superfluous disgrace. It’s simply
|
because I am contemptible and have nothing in me that I have decided to,
|
perhaps too for my advantage, as that... Porfiry... suggested!”
|
“Brother, brother, what are you saying? Why, you have shed blood?” cried
|
Dounia in despair.
|
“Which all men shed,” he put in almost frantically, “which flows and has
|
always flowed in streams, which is spilt like champagne, and for which
|
men are crowned in the Capitol and are called afterwards benefactors of
|
mankind. Look into it more carefully and understand it! I too wanted to
|
do good to men and would have done hundreds, thousands of good deeds
|
to make up for that one piece of stupidity, not stupidity even, simply
|
clumsiness, for the idea was by no means so stupid as it seems now
|
that it has failed.... (Everything seems stupid when it fails.) By that
|
stupidity I only wanted to put myself into an independent position, to
|
take the first step, to obtain means, and then everything would have
|
been smoothed over by benefits immeasurable in comparison.... But I...
|
I couldn’t carry out even the first step, because I am contemptible,
|
that’s what’s the matter! And yet I won’t look at it as you do. If I had
|
succeeded I should have been crowned with glory, but now I’m trapped.”
|
“But that’s not so, not so! Brother, what are you saying?”
|
“Ah, it’s not picturesque, not æsthetically attractive! I fail to
|
understand why bombarding people by regular siege is more honourable.
|
The fear of appearances is the first symptom of impotence. I’ve never,
|
never recognised this more clearly than now, and I am further than ever
|
from seeing that what I did was a crime. I’ve never, never been stronger
|
and more convinced than now.”
|
The colour had rushed into his pale exhausted face, but as he uttered
|
his last explanation, he happened to meet Dounia’s eyes and he saw such
|
anguish in them that he could not help being checked. He felt that he
|
had, anyway, made these two poor women miserable, that he was, anyway,
|
the cause...
|
“Dounia darling, if I am guilty forgive me (though I cannot be forgiven
|
if I am guilty). Good-bye! We won’t dispute. It’s time, high time to go.
|
Don’t follow me, I beseech you, I have somewhere else to go.... But you
|
go at once and sit with mother. I entreat you to! It’s my last request
|
of you. Don’t leave her at all; I left her in a state of anxiety, that
|
she is not fit to bear; she will die or go out of her mind. Be with
|
her! Razumihin will be with you. I’ve been talking to him.... Don’t cry
|
about me: I’ll try to be honest and manly all my life, even if I am a
|
murderer. Perhaps I shall some day make a name. I won’t disgrace you,
|
you will see; I’ll still show.... Now good-bye for the present,” he
|
concluded hurriedly, noticing again a strange expression in Dounia’s
|
eyes at his last words and promises. “Why are you crying? Don’t cry,
|
don’t cry: we are not parting for ever! Ah, yes! Wait a minute, I’d
|
forgotten!”
|
He went to the table, took up a thick dusty book, opened it and took
|
from between the pages a little water-colour portrait on ivory. It was
|
the portrait of his landlady’s daughter, who had died of fever, that
|
strange girl who had wanted to be a nun. For a minute he gazed at the
|
delicate expressive face of his betrothed, kissed the portrait and gave
|
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