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go. I am a contemptible person, Dounia.”
“A contemptible person, but ready to face suffering! You are, aren’t
you?”
“Yes, I am going. At once. Yes, to escape the disgrace I thought of
drowning myself, Dounia, but as I looked into the water, I thought that
if I had considered myself strong till now I’d better not be afraid of
disgrace,” he said, hurrying on. “It’s pride, Dounia.”
“Pride, Rodya.”
There was a gleam of fire in his lustreless eyes; he seemed to be glad
to think that he was still proud.
“You don’t think, sister, that I was simply afraid of the water?” he
asked, looking into her face with a sinister smile.
“Oh, Rodya, hush!” cried Dounia bitterly. Silence lasted for two
minutes. He sat with his eyes fixed on the floor; Dounia stood at the
other end of the table and looked at him with anguish. Suddenly he got
up.
“It’s late, it’s time to go! I am going at once to give myself up. But I
don’t know why I am going to give myself up.”
Big tears fell down her cheeks.
“You are crying, sister, but can you hold out your hand to me?”
“You doubted it?”
She threw her arms round him.
“Aren’t you half expiating your crime by facing the suffering?” she
cried, holding him close and kissing him.
“Crime? What crime?” he cried in sudden fury. “That I killed a vile
noxious insect, an old pawnbroker woman, of use to no one!... Killing
her was atonement for forty sins. She was sucking the life out of poor
people. Was that a crime? I am not thinking of it and I am not thinking
of expiating it, and why are you all rubbing it in on all sides? ‘A
crime! a crime!’ Only now I see clearly the imbecility of my cowardice,
now that I have decided to face this superfluous disgrace. It’s simply
because I am contemptible and have nothing in me that I have decided to,
perhaps too for my advantage, as that... Porfiry... suggested!”
“Brother, brother, what are you saying? Why, you have shed blood?” cried
Dounia in despair.
“Which all men shed,” he put in almost frantically, “which flows and has
always flowed in streams, which is spilt like champagne, and for which
men are crowned in the Capitol and are called afterwards benefactors of
mankind. Look into it more carefully and understand it! I too wanted to
do good to men and would have done hundreds, thousands of good deeds
to make up for that one piece of stupidity, not stupidity even, simply
clumsiness, for the idea was by no means so stupid as it seems now
that it has failed.... (Everything seems stupid when it fails.) By that
stupidity I only wanted to put myself into an independent position, to
take the first step, to obtain means, and then everything would have
been smoothed over by benefits immeasurable in comparison.... But I...
I couldn’t carry out even the first step, because I am contemptible,
that’s what’s the matter! And yet I won’t look at it as you do. If I had
succeeded I should have been crowned with glory, but now I’m trapped.”
“But that’s not so, not so! Brother, what are you saying?”
“Ah, it’s not picturesque, not æsthetically attractive! I fail to
understand why bombarding people by regular siege is more honourable.
The fear of appearances is the first symptom of impotence. I’ve never,
never recognised this more clearly than now, and I am further than ever
from seeing that what I did was a crime. I’ve never, never been stronger
and more convinced than now.”
The colour had rushed into his pale exhausted face, but as he uttered
his last explanation, he happened to meet Dounia’s eyes and he saw such
anguish in them that he could not help being checked. He felt that he
had, anyway, made these two poor women miserable, that he was, anyway,
the cause...
“Dounia darling, if I am guilty forgive me (though I cannot be forgiven
if I am guilty). Good-bye! We won’t dispute. It’s time, high time to go.
Don’t follow me, I beseech you, I have somewhere else to go.... But you
go at once and sit with mother. I entreat you to! It’s my last request
of you. Don’t leave her at all; I left her in a state of anxiety, that
she is not fit to bear; she will die or go out of her mind. Be with
her! Razumihin will be with you. I’ve been talking to him.... Don’t cry
about me: I’ll try to be honest and manly all my life, even if I am a
murderer. Perhaps I shall some day make a name. I won’t disgrace you,
you will see; I’ll still show.... Now good-bye for the present,” he
concluded hurriedly, noticing again a strange expression in Dounia’s
eyes at his last words and promises. “Why are you crying? Don’t cry,
don’t cry: we are not parting for ever! Ah, yes! Wait a minute, I’d
forgotten!”
He went to the table, took up a thick dusty book, opened it and took
from between the pages a little water-colour portrait on ivory. It was
the portrait of his landlady’s daughter, who had died of fever, that
strange girl who had wanted to be a nun. For a minute he gazed at the
delicate expressive face of his betrothed, kissed the portrait and gave