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But, what makes you remember an experience? Vanity of life and pride make us remember. Why?
Look at this question practically. You have all had experiences; you think about them, you recall them and you remember them. Why is there this remembrance?
Do you remember anything which you have completely finished, an incident or an experience? You have a conversation and you are interrupted; then you go back and complete it mentally. When you face, understand and complete the fact of the death of your child, then you do not have a psychological memory of it.
Even when I have completely finished a conversation, I still remember it. Yes. It is factual memory.
You and I have a conversation. Until that conversation is completed and until we fully communicate with each other what we want, the significance is not understood. This conversation is only one part of my life.
When a conversation is completely understood, you need not go over the whole of that conversation again though you may remember the incident. The psychological memory uses the factual memory as a means to get something out of it. Even facts are not remembered unless there is a basis of avoidance or gain.
What makes you remember a conversation? When that conversation is not completed or its significance has not been completely understood. When completed and fully understood the contents and the thought-process in regard to that conversation have ceased.
If you use the factual memory of a conversation as a means of deriving pleasure, then you remember and dwell upon the conversation. If something - a desire, an intention or a pleasure - drops away, it is gone out of your system. But, when you struggle to give it up, it does not drop away.
Therefore, the process of giving up, renouncing, is an incomplete action; and therefore will lead to a remembrance of the things given up, and therefore a strengthening of the entity that gives up. The incomplete conversation leaves a space, a mark which we remember; it is very deep down in the layers of our consciousness and it acts invariably always like a record continuously playing, till we complete that experience. Why does an experience leave a mark?
A mind which is marked, has a residue of experiences, cannot experience a new thing like an exposed negative which cannot take a clear impression of a new picture. Such a mind is incapable of acting apart from a pattern of action already known. Until that mark is completely understood, the memory will go on repeating itself.
Why do we hold on to some experiences and reject others? My mind is the repository of all experiences of all humanity. How can such a mind, so completely filled, have anything new?
I am the result of incomplete experiences because the past experiences are all incomplete. Experiences are remembered because they are incomplete, because we have not thought about them completely to their end. We use them as a means of profit or avoidance and therefore remember them.
I don't have a new experience as long as I am the result of incomplete experiences. I cannot have any new thought or new perception as long as my mind is clouded with old thoughts. What am I to do?
True. Thought born of incomplete experience cannot meet the new anew and therefore cannot lead to your inward transformation. Now, find out what you will do.
Whatever you do is based upon your memory and therefore will not lead you to transformation. You realize, therefore, that you cannot do anything with regard to immediate inward transformation. I feel intensely and want to do something.
As I find I cannot do anything, I feel helpless. Why do you not know? Have you realized that you cannot do anything to transform yourself, first superficially and verbally and then more and more deeply?
Have you realized that whatever you do, your action is within the field of the known and therefore you cannot transform yourself by doing anything? If you have realized, then the activities of your mind which wants to do something or other, are all cut one after another and finally you realize deeply that you cannot do anything about it, that you cannot deal with this problem of transformation by your actions. The main difficulty now is that your mind thinks it can do something or other with this problem and that, if it does not act, it feels uneasy.
The mind is therefore restless. Mind acts only through memory and therefore mind kicks against "not acting". Therefore you have to consider and understand the activities of the memory and the mind in relation to transformation.
There is distraction and also acting with a purpose. Distraction leads to postponement; therefore postponement of any action is an indication of the existence of a distraction. When you are vitally interested in anything, you are not distracted.
Transformation is not in the plane of action. Why? I see the importance of immediate transformation not in terms of time, of a complete regeneration of thought, a clarity, a creativeness.
I see myself in tortures. If I find this transformation, then my life will have a meaning. I, therefore, go all along the way finding out which is a distraction and which leads to transformation.
As I know and understand them, I am purposive and proceed directly. This can be made clear by an example. Supposing I live in a wellenclosed fortress and somebody says that there is something marvellous beyond the walls of the fortress.
If I want to see that which is beyond the walls, any action that I do in that connection within the limits of the fortress only, is futile. It is only when I break the walls, that I can have a glimpse of what is outside. When you want to understand something, a child or a picture, you have to be silent, to study, and to watch.
Your attitude should be one of watching silently, observing and studying all the time. When you have realized that, whatever you do, you cannot transform yourself, what happens to your action? When you realize the futility of all your actions, what do you do?
Can you listen to music with effort? Have you not got to sit absolutely quiet to enjoy music? Similarly, when you have the feeling that you must do something, it is an indiction that you have not yet realized the fact that whatever you do cannot lead you to transformation of any kind.
Is desire in the way of transformation? Is it not? Why do you not find this out for yourself?
It is fairly simple to do so with regard to transformation. If I do nothing, there will be no transformation. How do you know?
You realize that transformation is imperative, you feel the need for it. When you know that you cannot do anything about it, then only will you sit down quietly without doing anything. You know that thought-process cannot lead to transformation.
Memory is always propelling thought and memory is incomplete experience. Desire also is based on thought-process. The road to Mylapore - which is a factual memory - becomes a psychological memory, when people walking onit give you incomplete experience.
Your life consists of incomplete experiences and until you finish them you cannot but act. You have innumerable memories and you have to cleanse them all till your mind is free. Is this possible?
No. You cannot cleanse the entire past. Can you by your actions examine all the contents of your consciousness, investigate into the past and finish them one by one?
It will take time; the instrument of your investigation is incomplete. You might miss some. Therefore in this examination of your past experiences, you are sure to be caught again.
Therefore, what are you to do? Go out and see what happens to you when you meet a new experience. Can you do it with every one of your experiences?
Even if you do, how long will it take? Again, the intimations from the hidden layers of consciousness have also to be understood and acted upon. Therefore, you cannot do it.
When you can't do it, what can you do? You have to step out or to accept it. Are you in a state when you do not know what to do?
When you say that you do not know, what is behind it? That I want to know. What are you to do when you realize that whatever you do will not lead to transformation?
To know what to do, you must know that you do not know what to do. When you say "I do not know", you are reduced to a new position. You are nothing in regard to that.
Is there not the recognition that it is possible to know? I cannot get rid of the past, do what I will. What am I to do?
I want to do something about it and I cannot do anything. Therefore I don't know what to do with regard to the past or with regard to the future. When after realization, I say I do not know, my mind is very alert, very quiet and in a new state.
It is a state of expectancy. When you expect anything, it is based upon the known, therefore, that mind has not yet realized that it cannot do anything about it. But, if you have realized and then say that you do not know, your mind is extraordinarily alert, more alert than when you positively say "I am this"; this means negative thinking is the highest form of meditation; it is complete cessation of thought.
Therefore, "not- knowingness" is the new state of the mind in which the past has disappeared. Unfortunately, you will never allow your mind to come to that point, your mind does not allow it to come to that point. Thus, there is a way by which the mind can be immediately cleansed of all its past, cleansed of the whole content of consciousness.
When the mind is thus cleansed of all its past, there is direct action. Until you realize and say with the whole of your being "I do not , you cannot stop the thought-process i.e., the process of experiencing (perception, contact, sensation, desire, identification), terming (pleasure or pain), and recording (memory and mind). Until I say "I do not know", I am not free of the past.
Is this correct? Why didn't you say now "I don't know"? We have been discussing all along about immediate inward transformation.
Do you know what to do to bring about transformation in yourselves? You please experiment with it. When you bring me a gift and I do not want it, it is not mine.
Similarly, when you have a problem and when you have realized that you do not know anything about it, then that problem is not yours. I am not able to get rid of psychological fear. I shall deal with it the next time we meet, as it is already very late.
Why do you find it difficult to say "I do not know"? What do you know except doing some work as a technician or earning money as a lawyer? Technique, gathering of other people's information etc., what else do you know?
You are a bundle of memories. Beyond that what are you? I don't know.
Title, house, money - remove all these; what are you? Why do you not say "I don't know, I am nothing". You know nothing.
Even all your dreams are within the field of memory and you therefore do not know. Why not acknowledge this? Why not face this nothingness and in facing it say "I don't know".
Be completely stripped and say, "I am nobody, I am nothing". It is the recognition of a fact. Why do you not face it?
That is your difficulty. Because you have never looked at it, you are never facing it. When you actually come to the state of facing and recognizing yourself as you are, you can say "I don't know, I am nothing"?
There is a way of completely cleansing the mind of the past immediately, and therefore bringing about instantaneous regeneration. This is when you have actually realized and when you say "I don't know". The mind is then unburdened and is swift - not erudite, not clever, not informed - but quiet, passive and extraordinarily alert.
Then only there can be full and direct action. April , I do not consider it necessary to discuss again about what we talked about the day before yesterday, viz., that as we try to look at every problem in the light of our own opinions and conclusions, it is not possible to arrive at the state where there is both the interval and also the sense of 'not knowing', when alone real comprehension comes into being. If I understand correctly, you said that we have to feel "I am nothing".
How am I to get this feeling? () When I say 'I cannot do anything' to bring about transformation, is it the same as 'I am nothing'? This point requires clarification.
() The state preceding that when I say 'I don't know', is when I feel that 'I am nothing'. We shall discuss this now. Are we something?
Before you can say you are nothing, you should see what you are. Our beliefs, our bias, our prejudices, our commitments do not lead us anywhere. This can be experienced; but, to say 'I am nothing' appears to be different.
Are you aware that you are something? When I do something, I feel I am something. When there is conflict, or awareness of resistance, or awareness of action, one feels one is something.
Is this correct? In any thought-process, I feel I am something. So, we think we are something whenever the thoughtprocess is functioning.
Is that it? When there is the continuance of the 'I', I am something. Can we go beyond that or not?
Can we go beyond the screen of 'I am'? Whenever I think, the 'I' comes in. Therefore, I don't know anything beyond that.
() When I feel frustrated, I feel I am nothing. When you feel frustrated, when your self-consciousness comes against a barrier which it cannot overcome, your 'I' is enormously strengthened. So, probably you seek other ways to get what you want.
The thought-process is certainly not a way of bringing about transformation. Can the past be wiped away? We saw that it is not possible to wipe away yesterdays which are very large in number, by allowing each 'yesterday' to project itself into consciousness and understanding it.
This will take a very very long time which we cannot afford to spare. Therefore, we cannot examine completely all these and be free from our entire past. Then we came to the point that you cannot act; because, every act is within the field of resistance.
When you have a problem, a real human problem, and you cannot solve it, what do you do? You do nothing. Have you ever been against such a problem?
Yes. Then, I pushed off the problem and got on with something else. You say that when a problem is insoluble, you go to another.
What is the state of the mind previous to the verbal expression 'I don't know', especially when the problem demands an urgent solution? Here is a problem that immediate transformation is necessary and you feel that the thought-process cannot lead you to it and that whatever you do is within the thought-process. As the problem demands an answer, you feel that it is imperative to find out the solution and you are quite willing to find it out.
Then you find that you are unable to do anything about it. So long as you think that you must do some action, either on your own volition or by pressure from outside, it is still within the field of thought and therefore it cannot lead to the solution of the problem. When you come to this point, what is the state of your mind?
Despair. () My mind has become still, alert and watchful. What happens now to it?
Do you not see the imperative necessity for transformation and that whatever you do is a barrier? I begin to pray. Prayer is another form of thought-process and it will not lead you anywhere.
I want to know now what the state of your mind is when it has enquired and felt this need for immediate, constant revolution, constant renewal and regeneration. Thought which is the response of memory, the outcome of a response to a challenge, cannot do anything. You realize the deep significance of saying "there must be immediate transformation", but thought cannot do this.
No action is possible and you cannot do anything about this to bring about transformation. We are not thinking anything at all. () My mind is absolutely quiet, standing still.
Go into it please. What does absolute stillness mean? There is an interval between two thoughts, between the ending of one thought and the arising of another.
Without that interval thought would be continuous. What is happening in that interval? Have you watched your own process of mind?
I feel nothing, but consciousness is not extinct. The sense of the 'I' is not there. Let us view it differently.
As long as I know the solution to a problem, I have no difficulty. I have a new problem and I have no previous ready-made answer. It is an entirely new problem.
How will I tackle it? Regeneration can take place only immediately and I cannot do anything about it. To understand completely, I must come with a fresh mind, a mind free from the residue left by previous experiences.
What is the state of your mind now when you similarly face this problem? A state of expectancy. Is that so?
My mind is not asleep. It is extraordinarily alert. The difficulty is to recognize the problem as new.
If you see an entirely new insect, you will find it very difficult to recognize it, to focus on it; the whole thing appears to be blurred to you so far as that insect is concerned. Generally speaking, the mind sees quicker and more than the eye, and mind is more aware than the eye. Why?
Because the mind has recorded all such things and memory is functioning. If you are face to face with a new thing like this insect and the mind has no memory, the mind is out of focus; and you have to observe the thing much more closely till the mind builds up sufficient memory through which it can recognize it; the eye has therefore to make much greater effort to observe. Suppose the mind, accustomed to deal with some problems, faces a new problem.
It looks to all the previous answers to find an answer to the new problem. However, as the problem is entirely new, memory will not help and there will be no response from the old. Therefore, the mind is not in focus with this new problem.
In other words, the mind does not look at the problem but always tries to look to the record it has already built up. As the problem demands a new point of view, it is not able to find a ready-made answer from the old records which it searches to find an answer. Since it cannot find an answer to the new problem, your saying "I am expecting" means that you are not observing the problem but only waiting for an answer to come out of the old.
If you see that all this attempt to get an answer to the new problem by a reference to your past memories, is futile, then you do not expect, you do not watch. What is your mind doing then? Cessation of thought.
() I am expecting to hear what you are going to say next. Watch your own mind. I am only unfolding my own mind.
I am now focusing my attention on the problem itself and my eyes are focused on the new insect without translating the insect in terms of what I have seen in the past. Therefore, my attitude is not one of expectation or interpretation. Are there other screens intervening between me and the problem?
There is the desire to be transformed which urges me to look at the problem; this means, I want a result. I want to do something, seeking a result; and therefore I am creating the actor who is going to do something. The desire to be transformed implies the desire for an end, which creates the actor who wants to do something.
This desire for transformation is a very difficult screen to get rid of. This is part of the problem itself. That is so.
The mind wants to translate the new into the old but the new insect says "I am entirely new and you cannot understand me if you bring in any of your old". The psychological demand for a result is preventing me from looking at the new. My looking for a result out of the new is entirely different from my looking at the new.
Desire for an end creates action and the action creates the actor. The actor says "I will get it." Here there is no necessity for a result, no necessity for an actor.
The problem is not that I must transform myself but that there must be immediate transformation in me. You must not seek a way of using transformation. Any expectation from the past as an answer to the new, any interpretation based on that past, or any desire for an end or to seek a result - all these must go as these are barriers to my understanding the problem.
Is there any other screen? When my mind has wiped away the three screens referred to above as irrelevant, then what is the state of my mind? My mind is new, fresh and can look at the new problems anew.
The mind is transformed, because it is no longer the old as it has been cleansed of the past and has become the new. The importance is to see that this cleansing of the mind can be done and done immediately. I started out to understand the new insect which I had never seen before.
The mind, being out of focus, battles with it and tries to translate the insect in terms of the old. No help, however, comes out of the past. Therefore, the eye observes the insect more closely.
I have no desire for a result out of this insect because I do not know the insect nor how to use it. In such a state I am merely observing the insect. Action creates the actor.
First there is perception, then contact, pleasure, then more action. Thus we have desire, end in view, action and then actor. Which comes first, action or actor?
Action is first. First there is perception, then contact, then sensation and then only desire. In desire you have the 'I' and the 'mine' but the 'I' and the 'mine' comes into existence only after action which consists of perception, contact, and sensation.
We are always used to think in terms of getting a result, when the 'I' is strengthened. I know that there must be transformation. I don't know what this transformation is and what it will do.
When do I say that transformation is imperative? Only when I see the futility of all that I have done and all that I can do. This thinking out, after full examination of the problem, implies intelligence.
When I am looking for a new approach, I am still expecting something from the old. So, expectation goes and then the interpreter. My mind has now become sharper in itself.
I may have thrown out the Master but not the desire to achieve. My approach is not to get anything but to see and to understand the new approach, not to get a result. Seeking a result means being caught with the old.