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Flypaper Boy thinks his super power is lame . I mean really , what can a superhero do when his super power is sticking to things until someone comes along with some nail polish remover to free him . That is until he is kidnapped by bad guys and is forced to become a super villain . What is a good guy to do , when he has to use his powers for the forces of evil ? Flypaper Boy : Coming of Age follows Jimmy Wheeler AKA Flypaper Boy on his first real adventure . This is a superhero book . I have said it before and I will say it again , I am really not that much of a super hero fan , but this book caught my attention and held it . Let 's be honest here , Jim Wheeler is a teenaged boy , and he is surrounded by teenaged girls . He is going to notice them . He is going have feelings for some of them . But all the while he manages keep a lid on his hormones and and stick to his moral code , not only for being a hero , but also for being a human . That is one of my favorite parts of the book . Multiple times he is presented with opportunities where he could have taken advantage of the situation , and yet he never does . Mr . Carroll did a wonderful job , grabbing my attention and keeping it . His characters have depth , they have flaws , and they have to live life the best way they know how . I really enjoyed this book , and I look forward to sharing it with my kids . A Note for parents : If you are looking for a good book to start the school year with , this is a good one . It is certainly safe for middle grade readers though probably older ones will appreciate it more . If they are still in the eeew boys / girls are yucky stage they might want to wait another year or two . And the book is aimed more at boys than girls , though I think girls will like it too . It didn 't sound right . Sam brushed his long hair with his hands and adjusted his Lennon style glasses . He knew The Galactic Union relied on the sounds he could create , but it just didn 't sound right . It had to make a statement , give people a specific message . Someone hearing the sound had to instantly know it 's time for action . Someone hearing the sound had to know he will have to put down what he 's doing and get moving . Sam sighed . It was one thing to get hired for creating action adventure sound effects for virtual worlds , but that was different . When the man from The Union approached him a week ago , he thought he was pulling his leg . Sam was just an average guy from the industry , one small fish in a huge pond , which was full of people with strange job titles such as " virtual lighting expert " and " cinematographic camera movement planner " . His expertise on the Machinima scene was in the field of getting the right sound at the right place . He was no one special . He was surprised The Union actually heard about him . The Union was founded in 2025 as a result of the rising fear in the public about the possibility of hostile alien encounter . The Human race has just settled a first colony on Mars and it was already looking beyond his own solar system . Now , five years later , they where still working on ways of recognizing those alien threats and setting up an inter - planetary alarm system that could warn them of an approaching alien threat . Sam was put in charge of the actual sound of the alarm , and he was not sure why . The pay was good though , so he wasn 't complaining . They already rejected three of his suggestions , so he had to be extra careful about how he approached this . He didn 't want to lose the contract and the prestige that came with it . After he finishes this , his name would be known in the industry and he would be able to get any job he wanted . He gobbled another piece of pizza and got to work , mixing the sound of a wolf from the archive with that of a wounded hound , then speeding them up a little , just for the effect . He was just playing around for now , between trying this and that , but something in that sound got to him . There was something there , something desperate , crying out . It was something he could work with . He got to work , using various filters to change the sound without destroying the feel . When he finished with it , the origin of the sound was not recognizable anymore , but the feel was there . He knew that was it . He picked out the phone and called the man from The Union . 23 years passed , and much have changed . It was 2053 now and Sam was very different . Everyone was different . The human race had enhanced itself and changed , became much more intelligent and faster thinking . They have developed an interstellar means of traveling and started venturing into the stars . Science had advanced and the speed of light was no longer seen as the limit of space travel , so it became a viable possibility . As Sam traveled with the new expedition , his thoughts wondered , and he was lost in them for a while , but then he was startled by a familiar sound . He didn 't recognize it at first , then he realized what it was . It was the sound of a wolf and a wounded hound , mixed together and masked by some filters . A chill went down his spine as he realized what the sound meant . Paul awoke , sat up and then slowly started his daily routine . He swept the night from his eyes and glanced at the alarm clock . Six o ' clock on the dot - time to begin the day . Gail had the pancakes on the griddle . " Good morning , Paul , " she said . " The paper hasn 't come yet . Maybe you can relax a bit this morning . " " No time for relaxing today . The guys have to get the trucks loaded and on the road by ten , " mumbled Paul . " If they don 't get their loads to the mill before noon , they will be waiting in line for hours to unload . " Mary plopped a half dozen flapjacks on his plate . " Where 's my sausage ? " Gail smiled and reached for her coffee . " You know what the doctor said , Paul . He wants to keep you on your diet . I do , too . We need you around here , " she said . All Paul could do was grumble and put the " fake butter " on his breakfast . There was cold in the air , a sign that winter was on the way . Paul liked winter . Half of his drivers headed to the Florida sunshine . He got to do what he liked best , driving his trucks . He didn 't drive too far . Mostly , he rearranged the trucks in the yard as he plowed snow and tinkered in the shop with the behemoth diesel trucks . That 's how he started here , working for old Charlie Davis . When Charlie retired , Paul put everything he had in hock to buy this outfit . He hadn 't missed a day 's work in nearly thirty years . Finally , he had paid off all the debt and he no longer was beholding to any bank . By 9 : 30 , his drivers were on the road carrying their " 40 bushels " ( 40 ton ) of logs to the paper mill . They would return by dark when more men would appear to drive into the hills to pick up yet another load for tomorrow 's delivery . This was the same routine that old Charlie had developed and had worked well for nearly fifty years now . " Get that old Cat Diesel into the shop , " Paul asked his mechanic , Greg . " I want to go over that one and see if I can find why the power is down . It 's not ready for a rebuild yet . " Paul awoke , sat up and then slowly started his daily routine . He swept the night from his eyes and glanced at the alarm clock . Six o ' clock on the dot - time to begin the day . If he didn 't show up on time , that old Charlie Davis was sure to dock his wages . The cold was intense and made him wince at every move . Alex tried to move , but the pain in his joints was nearly enough to make him blackout but , he knew that if he did not move soon that he would freeze to death . He opened his eyes but there was little difference . The flight deck was black , and the little star light that filtered in through the two small view ports was feeble at best . When they had lost power to the rest of the ship two days ago , they had been forced to feel their way through the ship . After he had put his sister in a stasis tube he had sealed off all but the bridge and pumped what was left of the air up here . " That is only run about twice a year . " He needed to think but his mind would not function clearly . After some difficulty , " Is there enough fuel in the thrusters to stop the ship ? " He let out a long breath . Too fast . At that rate they could be thirty or forty thousand kilometers away from the trade route when a ship passed by . Way too far for their feeble distress signal . " Are there any ships in the area ? " He knew the answer . He had already asked it at least a hundred times . " " One Mars battle cruiser , and four Mars attack class vessels . " The ships that had attacked them . No chance of getting help from them . He had waited this long to attempt the burn , while their fuel leaked into space , and their chances dwindled , so that the attack group would not see them . " Search is already three hours beyond the oxygen limit at current consumption averages . " He didn 't respond . There was no point . He had done all the searches before . Alex slowly went over the whole thing in his head again . The Mars battle group were the only ships even close . Those bastards had made sure of that . After the convoy had been attacked they had run . Run as far as they could , trying to get away from anyone . They had needed time to regroup . He had thought that it would be best . The Mars battle group had followed them , just outside of the Pegasus ' sensor range , it was the second wave of the Mars group that had attacked them and destroyed the rest of the convoy . The Mars group had learned their lesson the first time , they waited until the Pegasus was so far out that there would be no one to come to their aid , and then mercilessly ripped her to shreds . The attackers disabled the main engines before he had even known they were there . Then with high powered lasers they had cut holes in all the major sections of the ship , letting her bleed to death . Only three of them had survived the first wave of the attack . Most of the rest of the crew was either killed by massive decompression or blown out into space as the air rushed out the gaping holes cut into the ship 's skin . Only the engineer , Alex and Angel had survived . The Captain of the battleship was cruel . The laser had cut the engineer in half with no warning , after they had gotten patches on only three spots on the ship . Then he nicked Alex 's suit . " Now you will slowly run out of air like your ship and sister are doing right now , boy . " he had said over the suit 's communications link . " That will teach you damn rovers that no one ever gets the best of a Mars battle group . " He and Angel had waited three more days before they made another move . Before the engineer had been killed , he and Alex had managed to get patches on the holes in the engineering section and the bridge . Angel and Alex inspected the engines and the fuel status . The engines themselves were a total loss . The only thing left were the emergency burn cones , but the lines from the fuel tanks to them had been severed , and all but one of the fuel tanks were now empty , and it was leaking badly . After compressing two of the living sections there was only enough air left in the ship for another two weeks . There were three working emergency stasis tubes and one working escape pod . They had agreed to wait until the ships had gone for at least the balance of a week before they attempted a burn , because one of them would have to go outside and repair the fuel lines . But on the fifth day , the patch in engineering blew out and they lost main power and most of the breathable air . Now they had no choice . Angel would go into a stasis tube as soon as Alex was able to repair the lines to the burn cones . They had fired the retro rockets ever so slightly to slow the spin of the ship to give him more time when he would not be exposed to the mars ships while he worked , but it meant that he also had to waste more time waiting for the ship to turn back around so he could continue work . Then once the balance of a week had gone by he would fire the engines in an emergency burn and climb into a status tube himself after turning on the emergency beacon . There was nothing more he could do . The Ship was moving now and if he wanted to live , the stasis tube was the only way . He looked for a moment at the one holding his sister . Her naked body floated in thick blue liquid , her eyes shut , there was no movement , not even the gentle rise and fall of breath . She could have been dead . " Engage stasis tube number three . " he said through teeth clattering so hard that he was not sure the computer would be able to understand him . He could barely feel the needles prick his skin as he leaned his back against the freezing cold metal and he briefly thought of the stories of children getting their tongues stuck to metal object during the winters on earth . Then he felt the liquid around his feet . It rose quickly and he felt the sudden panic of drowning just before the powerful sedatives from the needles in his arms took hold of him . " So ? Why not Atlantis , Larry ? Hundreds of thousands of people have found Mount Olympus , most notably the Greeks . It 's an actual mountain in Greece you know . Sue rebuffed him from the next cubical over , not even bothering to get up . " Alright , I 'll bite . " I said entering his cubical . As expected it was a dizzying array of posters , drawings and fantasy character figures . They were everywhere : on the desk , on top of his test systems , on the keyboard tray , even on the phone and his monitors . " Yes , yes , I needed them to look at the maps and satellite images . Look here . " he said pointing to the center of the display on the left . " Right , let me zoom out a bit so you can get an idea of where they are . " He grabbed the mouse and scrolled out so that we could see the whole land mass . It was , of course , Greece . Then he zoomed back in . " Here , do you see that ? " he said circling a spot on the map with his finger . " It looks like a mountain , just like all the rest around it . " I liked Larry . He was a good guy , and despite his fascination with the fantasy world , he was a brilliant technician but I was beginning to regret this trip to Larry Land . " Look at the peaks around it . Do any of them look like that ? In fact , have you ever seen a peak that looked that perfect except in drawings ? " " Now watch this . " He changed the angle of the view so that we were about 45 degrees from the ground . " Look , look , do you see it ? " " My God ! " On the screen all the other mountains had flattened out as in most two dimension pictures , but the shadow stood up straight , an almost perfect cone . " Wow ! That is really cool . I wonder what that is ? It has got to be some kind of software glitch . " " No , it 's not . I tried it on this other program too . See ? " He switched applications and there it was again . " The last one uses fly over views from aircraft , this one uses satellite photos . " " Yeah maybe . " He didn 't say anything to anyone for the rest of the day , and when I left late that night he was still in his cubical . I sneaked a quick peek as I walked past toward the door , and he had both images up on the left display and a number documents up on his other one that didn 't look like the code that he was supposed to be working on . " More posters Larry ? " Mike asked laughing . Larry , as usual , ignored him . He walked past and sat down in his cubical . I could hear him tearing the tape off the tube and pulling out its contents . I tired to ignore him . If it were new posters , putting them up would be an all morning affair and I had things to do . I couldn 't get sucked into it . Three new systems were going live in a week and I needed to make sure that the databases would actually work when the customers started making their queries . " I was right ! " Larry screamed twenty minutes later . " I was right , I was right ! See , come look at this Rob ! " despite the need to get the systems out I was more than a little interested . The Greek myths were something that had always interested me and , well , I really needed a break after the morning I was having . Sue and Mike both gave me sidelong glances and Dave , our boss , gave me a look that told me that I would be working overtime if those databases were not up and running . " Look ! " he said pointing . On his desk were a dozen or so maps of different types and one huge blowup of a satellite image . " I had a friend of mine at NASA get this for me . I owe him about three cases of booze for it but it will be worth it . " " Come on , " he insisted pointing at the image . I looked closer . It was a picture of the same spot he had shown me last week . The lighting was different but the shadow still stood exactly as it did before . " All myths have their roots in some fact . In ancient times no mortal could find it unless the gods wanted you to . I think this is one of those things . " " Because you can 't hide from photography . The eye you can fool , but not film . And , " he said smiling a little , " I think that maybe they want to be found or at least one of them does . " I sat back in the extra chair in his cubical . It was then that I noticed that Larry 's office had changed . There were none of the normal posters of his fantasy world . In their place were maps of every sort of the area around Mt Olympus . On some of them he had drawn in the cone with red pen . There were maps of ancient Greece , with clear overlays of the modern map . There were genealogy charts that followed all of the gods and goddess . He had taken the system roll - out schedule off his white board and replaced it with lists of supplies , travel plans , flight numbers and hotel names . " I have been digging up everything I could on this in the last couple of weeks , and not just on the Internet . I have done some serious book work on this as well . I have found some really great stuff . " " Forget that , this is huge . What if we could find our way into the home of the gods ? Think of the things we could ask them . " " Is that all you can think about ? Look at this . " He picked up a book about the stealing of fire from the gods . " This talks about how it only happened because Prometheus , one of the gods , wanted it to . Think about what it could mean . " " I don 't know what I 'll find , but I 'm going to find something . But right now I 've got to go talk to Dave about some time off . " With that he got up and walked out of his cubical and headed towards Dave 's office . " I quit ! Can you believe it ? They would not give me the time off when I have found something this big . Dave said something about after the roll - out . But what if this thing disappears , what if this is a short time offer . What if it is only one god that wants to be found , like I think it might be , and the others find out about it and close the door . We can 't wait . We have to get over there now and check this thing out . " " Wait a minute Larry . I can 't go . I have a job to do . We both do . We are grown men , we can 't just go running off on a wild goose chase . " " You too ? Damn narrow minded people , can 't even see past the end of your noses . You sound just like the rest of them ! " was all that I got from him as he pushed past me and walked out . " Rob , " I looked up to see Dave standing at my desk . " I hate to have to do this to you but it is going to be hard on all of us . Larry quit this morning , as I am sure you know , so we are going to have to divvy up his roll - out responsibilities . " Dave always had this way of whining that made my skin want to crawl . It was only worse when he wanted to give you bad news . It was as if he picked the most annoying voice to deliver the most annoying news . " Something about finding Mt . Olympus and that he needed time off . I told him some time after the roll - out was completed , but he insisted that it had to be today . When I told him that was not possible , he quit . Just like that . So like I said , we are going to need to you do some over time . " there was that voice again . " Rob , screw all of that . Listen to me . This is huge . I 've found it ! The entrance to Mt . Olympus . I bought you a plane ticket . I need someone here to help me document this . You are the most detailed person I know . You have to come here . I mean , it is nothing like I expected . It is more than I ever imagined ! " " Larry , hang on a second . What ? There is no way . What about Dave ? " I was still half asleep and having a hard time understanding him . " Rob , I promise that you will not regret this . Listen , the ticket will be delivered to you first thing in the morning . I have to go . " The line went dead . I lay in bed for a long time , not able to get back to sleep . Half of me was cursing Larry for waking me up , half of me dying to see what he had found . I had to admit even with everything I had been through in the last few weeks , I was interested . I had been since the first day he had shown me . I did not quite know if I should believe him , but it was certainly interesting . Besides , although he was a bit odd with all the fantasy things , Larry was not one to really make something like this up . He always did his homework . For a long time I could not decide what to do , but in the end practicality won out . If this ticket did show up in the morning I would just throw it away and go on like the phone call had never happened . Larry would have to find someone else . " I have been here since five , Sue . " I was beyond aggravated with this line of questioning , and so made my way to my desk trying not to hear her last comment . She was the kind of person that always had to get the last word in . I had no more than sat down at my desk when my phone rang . I looked at the caller ID and was both relieved and concerned that it was an internal call . That meant that the customer was not having a problem with their newly rolled out system , but it could very well be Dave with a complaint that the customer had taken over my head . When I got to the front desk , Dave was standing there and he didn 't look happy . Apparently Mary had called him right after she got off the phone with me . Or maybe right before . One look at the delivery guy , and decided it must have been before . Mary and Dave looked like a firing squad . " What is this all about , who is it from ? " I had not looked at who it was from but I knew it was from Larry . " Rob ? Who is it from ? " Now he was getting on my nerves . " You are not supposed to be getting mail at the office . It is a distraction . Hand it over and it will be on my desk when you are ready to go home . " Who did Dave think he was ? Wasn 't it illegal for him to take my mail ? I would have to look it up when I got back to my desk . " You know , I never really understood that . You think that grown men and women are going to be distracted by getting mail ? We are not three - year - olds Dave . " " I am not a three - year - old , " I said raising my voice a bit so that everyone else could hear . " This is total bull . You have no right to take my mail where ever I get it delivered . I have given ten years of loyal service to this company , and you want to treat me like I am a child . Fine ! You want the letter , take it . " I held it above me head waving it slightly . Dave reached for it but came about six inches short . I smiled at him and walked past him into my cubical . I picked up my jacket and keys with my free hand and pushed past him again . A few minutes later I sat with my head on the steering wheel , my heart pounding and hands shaking . What was I going to do now ? I was on my way home to get my resume up to date , when I remembered the letter . It was sitting on the seat next to me . I felt like it was calling to me , tempting me to open it . I didn 't even want the damn letter and now I had quit my job over it . " What was I thinking ? I wonder if it is too late to go back in . " Still the letter was calling me . I reached over and opened it . Inside was a set of plane tickets , a thousand dollars in cash and a note . The tickets are for a 2 : 30 flight so you will have to hurry once you get this . Don 't worry about packing . If you need any clothes or anything you can use the money in the envelope . I will pick you up at the Athens Airport . " Now what ? " I had his money . I was glad that I had not run the entire letter through the shredder or given it to Dave . " But , now what ? " This morning I found Larry standing in our hotel room . His towel still wrapped around him , a set of maps in one hand and a slice of bread and lox in the other . He didn 't notice me for a few moments . " We are in the Olympic national park , south of Mt . Olympus . Here , let me show you . " He carried the map to the table with the coffee pot spreading it out . " Here is Mt Olympus . It is about 2917 meters tall . Now here is the GPS unit I bought . See , it has the ability to save previous locations so you can find your way back . Now I know that it is accurate to about one hundred feet . See , the latitude , longitude and elevation of this place is here , and this is what the GPS shows . " " That would be because we 're one floor up . Last week , I climbed up to the highest point on the map , here . " He pointed first to the map and then to the GPS the numbers all matched . " Then using this enlargement of a satellite photo I found this trail right here . " He said pointing to a thin white line on the photo . " Rob , listen to me . When I was up there as soon as I found the trail , everything around me seemed to be shrouded in mist . At first I didn 't really notice it , but the further I went the denser it became . " " I thought so too , but then when I turned around I had a really hard time going back down the path . There were even parts I felt like I was going up again , and I can promise you that when I was going up there were no downhill parts . It was like I kept getting turned around , but the GPS unit said I was going the right way . And here is the kicker : as soon as I was back down at 2917 meters , no mist , no cloud , nothing . " " Larry , I 'm here . You have given me some pretty hard evidence , but I want to see it for myself before I totally agree . " I could not believe the words that were coming out of my mouth . " Good . This morning after we get dressed , we 'll go into town and get outfitted with some supplies . It is a two day hike to the top . You will be glad of all those times I dragged you to the climbing gym with me . " " Hang on a second Larry , " I sat on a near by rock and caught my breath . " Larry , I had a thought . What if we get up in the mist like you did and we can 't find our way out ? " " That is why we have the extra supplies . They should last us a few days at least , and longer if we get really lost . But I don 't think we will get that lost . We have the GPS unit , and can just keep following it until it eventually leads us out . " Everything will be fine . You 'll see Rob . Ah , here it is ! " He was pointing to a little worn spot in the rock . " This is it , just like I told you ! Now we just follow this a little ways and we are in . Ready ? " " Okay Larry , end of the rope . I will go back and untie it . You wait here and tie your end off , " I said a few minutes later . I picked my way along the path and as Larry had said at points the path seemed to go up and down , even though when we had come in it was most certainly all uphill . When I finally made my way back down to the base the fog had indeed cleared . I untied the rope and made my way back up the rope , winding it up , as I went so that it would not get snagged on anything . " You know something weird ? " Larry said breaking the long silence . " When you were walking away , you went down the path , but there were times that I watched the rope , go way up like you were going up hill . Just like a told you . " " I will go back this time . You look a little wiped out . " Larry said when we reached again reached the end of the rope . It had taken us longer this time as the path had begun to wind and we had to find places to loop the rope so that we would be able to follow it back if we needed to . " Thanks , " I said as I watched him walk back in the direction we had come . In truth I was more than a little tired . I tied my end to the nearest rock and sat down on it . " Why did you come ? It has been so long . " The voice said . The voice was soft and sweet and definitely not Larry 's . Then I heard something moving nearby and it sounded like a big animal , but it was coming from a different direction than the voice . " Who 's there ? " I said , no longer able to hide the fear in my own voice . There was no answer . I yelled for Larry again . " You mean we can 't leave ? " No answer , but now I saw something moving in the mist . " I am not going on with out the rope , " I said to Larry . In a couple of minutes I found the end of the rope . I untied it , turned around to go back and bumped into something . It was softer than rock , but just as solid . I backed away and felt something brush against me . After what seemed like an eternity the voice spoke again , " You cannot return to your friend . He has passed beyond you . " This time it had more firmness than before , but it was still soft . " What does that mean ? " There was no answer . " Hey , what does that mean ? What have you done with him ? " Then I felt a huge body pressing against me . It was covered in hair and more than a match for me . " Wait ! " I yelled , but it did no good . The beast was forcing me down the path . I screamed for Larry until my voice was gone , but the beast never faltered and soon I stood alone on the top of the mountain . The air was clear and I could see all around me . That was three years ago . I have written down every detail of what happened to us , thought it will make little difference as no one will believe it . I have tried many times since then to go back , but each and every time I did the beast was there . I heard from Larry only one more time . I returned to the mountain ten days after our first encounter . This time the beast was accompanied by a smaller creature . It appeared to be a sprite of the kind that Larry used to keep on his desk . It did not speak , but handed me a small scrap of paper . The boat house stood silently on the edge of the lake . It was a very simple structure , with nothing inside . It 's only reason for being was to shelter the fisherman 's boat , who had died long before Jonathan had risen to the throne of the kingdom . This much he had learned from the men he had sent here last night to check it out . They had reported that there was no place to hide , no place to conceal a weapon , just an open room , with a small dock around the inner rim . His watchers had been there since before sun up and had seen no one leave or enter , and they had cleared the surroundings . And Yet he was afraid . He could admit that , and he had good reason to be . Marcus the captain of his royal guard , and been taken hostage by these monsters . A man who was many times more capable of defending himself than he was . Even though they had grown up together , and Marcus had trained him . It had been his job to run the country , and he had fallen out of practice of defending himself . Something he was not proud of , but it was the facts of life . It was one fact that right now he wished could be altered . Two nights before , he had received the letter . Come to the boat house alone , or you will not see Marcus again . Even through his elation that Marcus was alive , he had been afraid . Though at that point it was more of a nagging at the back of his mind afraid , now it was a full bodied terror that gripped him . It had been almost a year since Marcus had been captured and they had given up all hope that he was still alive . Especially since the killers had taken to not only murdering the victims but leaving little more than a bloody mess behind . It was time now , he knew that he would have to go forward , that he would have to enter the boat house . Three of his men were to be on the roof of the boat house in case something happened . He could not see them from where he was standing but that might have been because of the slope of the roof , or the fading light . But they were among his best men , all trained by Marcus himself so he knew that he had little to worry about . " Oh come now , you would not want to spoil the surprise , like our friends here did . " As he said this three bodies dropped into the water . The king hurried to the edge to look in and saw the nearly unrecognizable forms of his guards who had been stationed on the roof . Had it not been for their uniforms he would not have known for sure . " I told you to come alone ! " The voice was angry now . " You had people prowling around here all day , you are lucky that it was only these three that paid the price for your arrogance , but I am sure you feel it was a worthy cause for them to die . You value the lives of your servants so . " " Oh come now you called off the search for your friend long ago . There was no body , there was nothing , and yet you called off the search , and he was your the man you called best friend . What can these men have meant to you . " " How you can be that insensitive . How you can feel nothing . Because , as my hero , " his tone was mocking now , " I figure you might have some advice to give . " He walked full into view now and Jonathan saw the wreck of a man that his friend had become . " What are you talking about ? Of course there are . What do you think that we have been doing for the last five years ? " Matt looked at me with a look of pity . " Well there are no witches in this village , that is what we have to show for it . And what do you mean by there are no witches in Scotland ? You saw the same report I did just last week . " " Sammy , their witches . They are going to be hexing our children and get them to come eat the gingerbread off their houses and then what ? Then what will you do ? " " Matt , " I said grabbing his arm as he tried to step out from under the eve . " What are you talking about ? That is a fairy tale . Did you read the report ? Those people are Wiccan , technically that makes them witches but they don 't cast spells and they don 't have gingerbread houses and they said they just wanted to be left alone . I don 't agree with what they believe in , but they are not hurting anyone . " " But that does not give us the right to do … to do what ? What would we do if we found one ? Blow him or her up with one of your grenades ? What if they have children ? " " How can a witch have a child ? What do they do , ' magic ' them out of the fire ? Then it would be more of a demon then a child , and we have to rid the world of them too ! " " You didn 't read any of that report at all , nothing after the title . " I sighed deeply . " This brand of witches are men and women , and they don 't do magic , they believe in trees and grass , and they have children of their own just like you and me . " " Matt , you had been sick and sleeping for three days . You had a nightmare , that is the only thing that can explain it . It is the only thing that could cause this much Misery . " " Sam , if you don 't believe me fine , but I am doing to do what I have to do to keep all of us safe . You will thank me when your kids are grown and they have not been roasted and put on the diner table of some witch family . " He stopped then and took something out of his back pack . It was a rectangular box . As he opened it up I knew what it was going to be . He had bought a rifle , the kind you could take apart and put back together . " Matt , what is that ? You have gone off the deep end . You are going to hurt someone with that thing . " He turned to me , his eyes were red with anger . " Officers , " I said breathing deeply . " My friend , I think he is in trouble . " I wavered just a moment and then lied . " He must be drunk or something , but he has a gun . You have got to stop him ! " Evolution is a wondrous thing . It is fickle and gruff and subtle and violent . It is a speeding bullet headed toward rice paper . It does things , not because it can , or it should , or it was suggested that it do so , but none the less , it still does , and these choices are not negotiable . You cannot decide to undo something like evolution . It is just done , no questions asked , none offered and none accepted . The choice is made and you MUST accept it . Sometimes the biggest changes are the hardest to fathom . Evolution made one of these amazing and infuriating choices here which changed every carbon - based life - form on this planet . Changed it for eternity . Oh , they did not notice it at first , as most sentient life - forms rarely notice things at the macro level until it is way too obvious , but they must have tasted some of the changes . It must have been so odd at first . A report here shows how some found it odd that some persons can crave sugar like that . Crave sugar in any form . Raw , unprocessed sugar seemed to be their favorite , an almost obsessive choice , but granulated and cubed started out as a tolerable choice as well . The others , almost understandably , were confused by this new ' sub - culture ' appearing . Some thought it was a fad , a phase , like bed - wetting or extreme sports that would naturally disappear after some unknown point , be it age , or intelligence or just time . But it never did . It never went away . Never subsided , or dissipated , until it was too late . This change was so very important . So very monumental in their history but they were too preoccupied by other things to devote the necessary time to investigate this phenomenon properly . They all had a larger problem to worry about . Apparently it was called Columbia . Columbia was a world power . They came to this power quickly , having sold an addictive narcotic called coffee . Apparently everyone on this planet was hooked , or as they called it , a caffeine junkie . This was not a problem for them as long as everyone had their coffee . There was an order to this world . The order was peppered with odd words , words like mocha , grande , extra extra extra sweet , frappuchino and other equally odd words , which as an inter - galactic archaeologist , I hope to translate one day . Anyhow , it was because of this new and growing sub - group that over 10000 years ago the Eugenic War started . Started and very quickly ended with the completely thorough annihilation of all life on this planet . This war was started all because Caffeine junkies were left with no sugar for the coffee . " There are so many things that make war and ugly business , but probably one of the worst what is lost . Loss is by far the worst part of war . " The Captain stood , but deftly grabbed the desktop to prevent himself from rising up and hitting his head on the ceiling . Many of the younger members of his audience had been born at this level of gravity so the slow moment required to prevent such an action was in their nature he knew . Not him , he was born on Earth , Earth before the war . And no matter how many years he spent out here , he would probably always do things like that . " We all lost so much , " he said as much to himself as to the new crew . " Sir , are you ready for the slides ? " The XO asked . He was a good strong officer , and wonderful at keep the captain from getting mired in the past . " Yes . Before we begin our tour of duty , I must remind you of why we are here . Forty years ago , the Martian and a few of the belt colonies decided they did not want to be ruled by the central government on Earth . Earth , forgetting the past attempted to repress the colonies into submission . Then just like the Americas of five centuries before , the outer colonies rebelled and decided to fight for their freedom . " He thought back to the first attacks . They were so minor : hitting the robotic probes , destroying minor communication satellites , rejecting the shipments of the extras , setting up their own government . It should not have escalated the way it did . " I don 't pretend that I was not biased in those days … I was a citizen of Earth , I didn 't understand why they felt they needed to break away . But now I don 't care , " He took a step around to the front of the desk so that they could all see him , taking care to step slowly . " And to be honest , I don 't care what you think now . We are nearing the half century mark since the war that made man 's cradle a radioactive mess and people are talking about fighting again . You would think that people would remember the losses we suffered and never make that mistake again . Casualties of war by Jeffrey Hite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - Noncommercial - No Derivative Works 3 . 0 United States License . Based on a work at greathites . blogspot . com . " Shaman , you need to take this baby 's soul back ; you 've given her the soul of an assassin , " my father said to the rheumy - eyed little man . The little man shook his head and walked out of the door muttering , and calling my father a fool . My name is Betha MacTaggart , and that was how my life started . At least that is the story my mother told me of how it started . The other villagers have told me that the following day my father tried to kill me by throwing me in the river , but my mother would not hear of it , and in the end it was my hand that held the knife my father was carrying and as he tripped it drove into his chest . Not what I would call a good beginning . We don 't get to choose the souls we are given , that is just the way life is . You get what you are given and you live with it . My soul was that of an assassin , and I started out my life by killing my father . It was obvious from that point on that I was going to be an assassin . The problem is , that is not really a popular field to go into , and people who are assassins are not exactly coming out of the wood work to tell you about themselves for obvious reasons . So finding a teacher or a mentor is a little difficult . Any dummy with a weapon can kill someone , but how many people do you know that can kill someone with a single finger , or a blade of grass , and never get caught , or better yet blame it on someone else . That is the true job of an assassin . And that is what has brought me to this little town , nearly a months journey from my home , and had cost me almost everything I owned . There was a rumor that the King 's own assassin was going to be in this town , not to kill someone , but to meet with several other assassins and discuss their trade . My best chance to get the training I needed was to be here and find them . The problem being that although just about everyone knew they were going to be in this town , and that they were supposed to be here this week , no one seemed to know where they were going to be meeting , or when they would be getting here . WoAssassin 's Quest by Jeffrey Hite is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution - Noncommercial - No Derivative Works 3 . 0 United States License . Based on a work at greathites . blogspot . com . I never take into account how much that can go wrong in the block I walk to pick up my child from the bus stop . I always try to remember to take with me : my dog , a weapon , a camera , and my phone . When I forget these things , I often see things like vultures fighting over the territory that surrounds a roadkill squirrel , feral , puffy , white dogs that got free after they killed their owners , or glimpses of the black bears that wander our area . " What do you mean it happened last Thursday ? I have a meeting this afternoon , and now you are telling me it is not going to happen ? " Justin asked . He had rephrased the question three times now and had gotten the same response . It was obvious that Ruth was getting annoyed with him , but she was telling him was impossible . " Justin , you are not listening to me . Last Thursday , the day that all the lights went out , that was pretty much the end of all the meetings " Ruth said putting her hands on his desk . " Look , the fact that this building is in tact is a fluke . The fact that you are still dressed for work is because you bumped your head when it happened and you have been sleeping for the last five days . You don 't have any meeting this afternoon , you don 't need to wait for IT to fix your computer , you don 't even need to check your phone for messages . It is over . The bombs went off all over the world . The best estimates are that fifty percent of the worlds population is dead already and another fifty percent of them will die in six months from radiation , disease and hunger . Justin , it is over . " " Yes , now you are getting it . " For the first time that he had real noticed her appearance . She was dirty , something that Ruth never would have been at the office . He looked around the office now , and saw that the few people that were there , were not doing the things that they normally did . Instead they were huddled in a corner talking , looking over strange bits of things that were scattered on someones desk . " Yes . We are far enough out here that we were not hit , and there is not direct fallout coming to us . We even have power , but we don 't know how long that will last . " " Why ? " " Because , there is no one to bring the fuel to the power station , when the coal they have is gone that is it . So they have been rationing it . " " That won 't work unless you are going to call someone right near here . Our tower was damaged but Josesph and Micheal were able to repair it , not that it has done us much good , without the whole system , and the satelite links all you can call is local . " John from IT said . " Look Justin , we are all really happy that you are awake . We understand that you are confused but , we are trying to plan our next move , where to start getting food when the power goes out for good that sort of thing . So unless you have some pretty good ideas , your questions are going to have to wait " Ruth said . " Yeah , I guess I did . " " So who is in charge , what is the topic , who is attending ? Did any one bring doughnuts I am starved . " " Oh relax Ruth , without some normalcy we will all go nuts . Does anyone have a working PC ? We can put some slides together " He said walking toward he group in the corner . No one replied . " Ok then , lets just get a chart so that we can draw things , I have lost most of my presenting skills with the advent of powerpoint , but I will do my best . " They all stared at him as if he where crazy . And maybe he was , but he didn 't care . Without something to hang onto he was going to go totally over the edge , and that the moment this was the only thing he could think of . " Oh this will never do . Did you say the whole building was standing and safe ? " He said turning to Ruth again . She nodded dumbly . " Good , tell everyone that we are going down to conference room two . " " Ok then , we will need name tags . The last thing people want is for someone not to remember their names . " He stopped his dervish of activity for a moment and thought . " John , what is the meeting going to cover ? " " Supplies and things like that , who has what , and how many people there are , and what we should do about it . " He replied " Good , then what we need are some lists . " He thought for another second , " Ok John , I want you and Joe to get a list of everything we have here that might be useful , don 't leave anything out , you never know what we might need . right Down to mops and brooms . " It turned out Justin was right . The meeting was very much like every other meeting they had all been to . there were those people that were there just to be some where , and those that had things to contribute , there were even those , who it seemed came just to be a disruption , and for them it was good that Justin had taken charge . When it was over they had lists of things to do , and people knew what they were going to be doing . Within a week things seemed almost normal again , power was only used to keep the refrigerators running at the grocery stores , the lights on at the clinic and the gas stations running . People went to work every morning , albeit for most of them , not doing what they were used to . Things were starting to look at bit better . The supplies that we did have were being rationed and for the time being things looked ok . You had to carry more with you than you used to , just to walk to the school bus with your kids , but things were really getting back to normal . 3 . 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Lucy has a weird fascination with socks . Terry put it best when he said " Whether they are clean , dirty or smelly she will still love ' em ! " We first discovered her fascination with socks when she started carrying Terry 's socks into bed with her and sleeping with them . Well then she discovered that not only do they make a perfect bedmate but also a great playmate ! She started playing with them . She is hilarious when she plays with socks ! She loves to run around with them in her mouth and tossing them in the air . When she gets bored of playing with them she starts to chew on them . Almost all of Terry 's socks have holes in them now , mine not so much . ( I wonder who remembers to pick up their socks ? ? ) We try not letting her have socks because she does chew them up . One night I was upstairs watching t . v . and Terry was downstairs on his computer with the door closed between the rooms . All of a sudden I hear Lucy outside running around . So I jumped up to see what she was doing and lord and behold she was running around the yard throwing something in the air and catching it . Not knowing what she had found in the yard I quickly called her to me . She ran to me and proudly showed her new toy to mommy . It was one of Terry 's socks . So I asked her did Daddy give this to you or did you steal it ? I went downstairs to ask and as I was asking Lucy grabbed his other sock and started making towards the door . It had turned out they were stolen socks . The best is when you catch her with one and she acts like she doesn 't have it by laying her head over it . When we went camping awhile back ago I was packing and had all of our clothes laid out . I walked out of the room to get something and little Miss Lucy followed with a pair of clean socks in her mouth ! If you want to keep your socks don 't let Lucy alone in the same room as them ! Last night Lucy found herself a new squeaky toy . Here is the story of how it happened ! Last night I sent Lucy outside to go potty for bed time . After awhile Terry asked me if she had a squeaky toy outside with her . Currently she only has one and I located it inside fairly quickly . I then too heard the same squeaking . So we went outside to investigate . I found her on the side of the house and she looked very happy with what she found . Terry called her to him and she came running with something in her mouth . Terry told her to drop it and to our surprise it was a baby bunny ! Bigger than last year 's bunnies , but still a baby . I quickly tried getting Lucy inside and to get a box for Terry . When we returned outside Terry had lost the bunny . That was the beginning of his and Lucy 's search for their bunny . We quickly concluded that it must have went under the deck . Lucy was sniffing everything like crazy . She even squeezed under the deck following the scent . I quit and started getting ready for bed . After awhile I went out looking for them . They had ended up in the front yard and Lucy was still following the scent . I interrupted them , but Terry was convinced that it was in our garden up close to the house . As he was searching I was watching Lucy behind him by the fence . And all be darn she found that poor bunny ! It squeezed through the fence but Terry went and got it out of the neighbor 's side yard . He was convinced we should keep it . I kept telling him to put it back . He did put it down and it hopped to a nearby grown bunny . Today Lucy continued tracking that poor bunny in the backyard . I think she wants it back ! Oh what an adventure ! Lucy is a noisy dog but not the way that most dogs are noisy . She does bark but she is good at stopping when told to stop . The noise I am talking about is her groans and whines ! She is the most vocal dog I know . I told Terry she takes after her mama when she is sick . When I am sick I whine . I let everyone know that I don 't feel good . When Lucy gets sick she whines off and on . One day she got sick from a pill we were trying with her and she was laying on Terry crying . I felt so sorry for her . She also groans ! For example if she is sleeping next to you on the couch and you move you will hear a low groan from her . She does not like being disturbed while sleeping ! The best is when she is in bed with me in the morning after Terry has left for work . ( She sleeps in her crate at night but gets to sleep with me after she goes outside when Terry gets up . ) She has a tendency to use my legs as her pillow . Well I like to roll over a lot in my sleep and every time I roll over I get a groan from her . The other morning she wasn 't even touching me and I rolled over and heard a low groan coming from her ! Sometimes at night we put her in her bed and then we will lay there talking for awhile and occasionally we will hear a groan come from her kennel , telling us that we are keeping the sleeping beauty awake ! This past weekend we had the pleasure of going to Post Falls , Idaho , to see Terry 's " second " mom . This was a true adventure for Lucy considering that Patty and Mic have 2 dogs and 6 cats . To my knowledge Lucy has never really been exposed to cats before so we were kinda nervous on how she would react to them . When we showed up at their house late Friday night Lucy got to meet their 2 dogs , Sissy and Bebe . Sissy is part border collie and Bebe is a large black lab . They quickly tried putting Lucy in her place . Bebe quickly learned that she could intimidate Lucy . It got to the point that Lucy couldn 't get around Bebe ! Sissy The next day Lucy got to meet the kitti s . Squirt was the first one she m t . He taught her that kitties paw at h r ! Squirt is known to drive the dogs nu s . Terry has told me how he likes to sit in front of the dogs water dish and make the dogs whine until someone picks him up and moves h She met Henry who also learned he could intimidate her . Lucy wanted to play with him . Henry would hiss and paw at her anytime she got near him . At one point she couldn 't get to me because Bebe was sitting next to me and Henry was on my other side on top of the couch . Bebe wasn 't doing anything but Henry was hissing . Downstairs where we stayed is the cats ' ar a . She loved going down and try stiffing the cats and eating their wet fo d ! Saturday night we introduced her to Pud y . Pudgy was more willing to meet h r . Terry held Pudgy as I held Lucy and she got to sniff h m . The next morning I caught her wanting to play with Pud y . I tried taking a video but it didn 't record when she was really trying but I did get her trying sniff Pud y . Well I was going to upload it but it wouldn 't let e . But in the video Pudgy goes to raise his paw and Lucy takes off runni g ! She learns quickly sometim I was so proud of her ! She was not a huge pain and did not try chasing the cats . We had a great time . They have an amazing house that overlooks Post Falls and the surrounding towns . A year ago Terry and I started our search for a puppy . We thought it would be easy , but oh my it was difficult . We went to the pound but there was never female puppies in the type of breeds we wanted . We searched for hours online . We actually fell in love with one puppy and applied for her . But we never heard back . We even had our parents apply for her too and they never heard back too . It was very discouraging . Not to mention a lot places wanted to come to your place and do a home study . At the time I had cousins trying to adopt from China and I felt like I was going through a lot of hoops just like they were but mine was for a dog not a baby ! I started going to the pound just about every other day looking and hoping to find the right puppy . One Saturday morning we stopped by the pound and found nothing that appealed to us . Later that day on our way to my parents I suggested to stop by again . I walked into the dog kennel area and laid eyes on the cutest puppy . I quickly hurried over not wanting anyone else to see her . I quickly looked at her paper work to see what she was and age . I was happy to find out that she was a female , Australian Shepherd mix and six months old . I called Terry over and started pleading my case for her . I talked to her through the kennel as Terry found someone to talk to about her . I filled out the paper work and then they allowed us to go into a clean and empty kennel with her . We sat on the floor and she quickly climbed in my lap . She did not want to leave my lap ! I finally had to carry her over to Terry so he could hold her too . I knew she was the one ! This is our first picture of her from Terry 's cell phone . The only sad thing was we had to wait until Wednesday , June 30th to pick her up she had to get spayed first . Those three days were long days . Those days were hard trying to find a name for her . I didn 't like her name , Dottie . We argued over names for days . He would shoot down my names , Ella , Luna , Zoe and several others . And I shot down all of his names , Jessica , Jennifer , Kahlan and others . Finally , I came up with Lucy . He thought about it and even though he wasn 't thrilled he agreed as long as her middle name was Xanthecar , which is the name of his favorite character from one of his games he plays . I couldn 't wait to pick her up ! Finally June 30th came and Terry finally got home from work and we raced over to pick her up . We walked into the kennel area to find her . ( We were slightly hoping she would look cute like another puppy we saw who just had his surgery . He had been laying there sleeping with his tongue sticking out . ) I spotted her quickly and she knew us right away too . She was jumping up and crying when she saw us . We brought her home and slowly introduced her to the house starting with the back . At first she didn 't know how to do our stairs and I had to help her up . She played around in the back . That night 2 friends came over for dinner . Anthony and I took a walk around our back and found out that she likes to herd because if I walked slow she would run between us until we were together again . My parents came to meet her and she learned from early on that Grandpa always has a treat for her ! I was very happy to have her in our lives ! She has changed our lives but I couldn 't dream of a life with out her ! This past weekend we went on our first camping trip together . Wow , what an adventure we had ! Lucy is just now starting to regain some of her energy . We went to Fort Stevens park in Oregon , which is on the coast . Our first night was really rough ! She barely slept ! We now know to wear her out some before we go to bed . The next morning Lucy was outside and Terry and I were in the tent getting dressed . Well she decided she wanted to be with us . So she first tried to climb the side of the tent and I guess she almost made it to the top . When that didn 't work she made her own doggy door in our door . It was a brand new tent ! Now we have a duct tape door ! ( Sorry no pictures of that ) . We then went on several walks and spent some time on the beach . She of course loved the beach and was everyones ' entertainment ! This is her posing with the Peter Iredale a shipwreck . Later we went to the South Jetty . She proved that she is a mountain goat like her daddy ! Terry decided to climb the rocks and she of course had to follow him . We walked down to the Columbia River . Where she preceded to chase all the birds off the beach . At one point she got out to deep by the rocks . She then decided to give up and come back in ! But that bird was taunting her ! She did a lot of exploring and mosquito eating during our trip . I have never seen her so pooped out before ! We took her kennel in case we needed to lock her up because she was a pain , which we only did the first night . But Saturday night I was so surprised when I found her sleeping in her kennel on her own accord ! I even went to check and make sure she was still alive . I spoke to her and got no response so I tugged on her leash and finally got a low grumble from waking her up . She was also a little wearied of the fire . Our family and friends all made popcorn over the fire and of course some spilled . Our lovely neat freak Lucy had to help clean up . It was hilarious watching her try and grab the popcorn close to the fire . She would move in and grab it real fast and cautious ! When we first got Lucy , we had a heat wave . So I got my old kiddie pool out for her . Yeah , she hated that thing . I had to force her to stay in and if she jumped out she wouldn 't come anywhere near me for fear I would put her back in the water . Then when it first rained she wouldn 't go outside unless she really had to and then she would try and go on our deck or the pavement . So I came to the conclusion that she hated water . But my husband and I , us being our evil selves decided when we took her to the ocean for the first time we would throw her Frisbee or ball in the water and trick her . Well no tricking was necessary ! We decided for our one year anniversary to day trip to Ocean Shores with Lucy . We loaded the car with tons of towels , Frisbees , and balls for Lucy . We got to the beach played a little ball and finally threw it in the water . I was expecting a freaked out puppy when she hit that water but instead she fell in love with the ocean ! She was the cutest thing ever ! When she runs through the water she hops like a frog ! Her back legs fly behind her just like a frog . She would also wait for waves so she could jump over them . Or just jump right in ! At one point she was out deep and a wave went over head . After that she was done . She didn 't want to go back in the water . So we decided to dry her off because it was a very cold and windy day . So we dried her off and then went for a walk down the beach . Well we wanted her to get dry so Terry carried her over the little stream and then put her back down . Well that goofy dog decided to chase seagulls out into the ocean . It was quite funny and I 'm pretty sure that seagull was laughing his butt off at her . Then we found these rocks which had tide pools around them . Well one of them we couldn 't see the bottom because the water was really murky brown , but our Lucy found the bottom ! She found it by trying to walk to the rock and went completely under water again ! Then she had issues getting out but was able to do it on her own . Her fear of water is over I am sure now ! She also thought her ears made a good wind breaker or she liked the sound of the ocean a lot ! She had her ears up a lot and the next morning I looked at her ears and they had so much sand in them ! I think there might still be some in there a month later ! ! We have a very cute video of her hopping through the water that I will have to get posted on here at some point . Now I can 't wait to go back with her for more than one day . She will be exhausted for a week ! A few weeks back I took Lucy out front to get the mail with me . Usually she is really good at staying with me and not leaving the yard . Well this day my neighbor was out front with her dog . Lucy saw them and took off running before I even got down our stairs . I of course was yelling at her . But it turned out to be one of the best things she has done ! That day she met her BFF , Rylee ! Rylee is a gorgeous Louisiana Catahoula cattle dog with piercing blue eyes ! She is about 30 lbs heavier than Lucy but will lay down and let Lucy crawl all over her . They played wonderfully in our neighbor 's front yard . Well today she did the same thing , while I was on the phone none the less ! But it is so fun watching them play . Rylee likes to put her head under Lucy 's body and lift up , so Lucy does the same thing . This time another neighbor was over with her dog Princess . Princess is a lab / chow mix and is 14 years old . But she did her best to keep up with the young ones ! Lucy led them in races around the two front yards , over obstacles such as bushes and through legs of us women , nearly taking one out ! They had so much fun ! At one point Lucy led them over a bush , Rylee made it over and poor Princess tried and didn 't quite make it . They finally found some shade in the garden under a bush . They looked so cute ! I wish I had a picture of them together . Oh well I will get one when Rylee comes over for a play date one day ! The amazing thing was that they stayed in the yards for the most part . Lucy took off to say hi to another neighbor walking down to get his mail . She is a little social butterfly . She has to say hi to everybody ! I think she has my Grandma 's friend 's spirit in her . Alice used to say hi to every stranger she saw especially if they had a baby ! It was sad when we left to head home . I was carrying Lucy to go across the street and poor Rylee followed us down the drive like asking why we had to leave . She looked sad to lose her playmate . When we moved into our house we discovered that we had wild bunnies in our yard all the time . One time when we had our first dinner guests over and were enjoying dinner we saw some bunnies going through the yard . By the time I turned around to see them they started doing what bunnies are infamous for doing ! We thought it was so funny and still make jokes about them . Well last summer I was cleaning house so I kicked Lucy outside . While I was coming downstairs I heard this high pitch crying . It didn 't sound like Lucy but I couldn 't be sure . So I ran outside to our top deck and yelled for her . I found her on the side of the house , she looked up at me and then ran back to something small and brown in the yard . She looked so happy and when she went back to it I heard the crying again . So I quickly called her to me and locked her in the house . I went down and discovered a baby bunny . His eyes were still closed . I called Terry and he was excited and was going to bring home a box . This little guy eventually made it through our chain length fence , so I felt safe to let Lucy out again . That time she found another one in our garden . So when Terry got home with the box we put the two gently in the box . Then Terry felt around where we found the second one and discovered 3 more in a nest . So now we had five bunnies and no idea what to do with them . We couldn 't leave them in the backyard with Lucy there . We weren 't sure how the first one got so far from the nest . Either it got away or Lucy carried it away . I honestly don 't think Lucy would 've hurt them but we couldn 't trust her . Terry looked up how to feed them and went out and got all the stuff we needed . It did not come easy . They wouldn 't eat . I finally got a couple to eat from me . Later that night we were researching more about them and Lucy was outside , when I heard that crying again . All I could say was " Shit ! There 's another one ! " So now we had 6 baby bunnies and no idea how to get them to eat . I know it looks like she wants to eat the bunny in this picture but she didn 't and wouldn 't ! Lucy was just curious of the bunnies . Every time we took them out or was trying to feed them she wanted right in on the action . Well the next day we were able to give them to a friend who had a friend on a farm that could take care of them . She was able to release five of them . The runt was the only one that died . Posted by So , I just have to post that the best gift Lucy has ever received was her Easter gift from my parents . They got her one of those laser lights . I love it ! It tires her out so quickly . We live in a Tri - level house so I love shining it up the stairs , then back down to the living room and then down the stairs to the office . It is so funny when she is coming down the stairs because she slides across the hardwood floors . It is so funny watching her try and stop herself . She has learned that if she tries to sit she can stop a little faster . We love playing this game with her . I 've also discovered that if she acts tired I just have to shine it on her paw and she goes at it again ! Very entertaining and a must have if you have a hyper active dog ! Which reminds me , I really believe that Lucy has ADHD and maybe some Autism in her . I constantly say if she was a kid she would be riding the short bus everyday ! So do they make Ritalin for dogs ? I swear she can 't focus on anything for to long , and she is hyper almost 24 / 7 ! Now you are probably wondering why I think she Autistic . Well she is very routine , meaning if I change my morning routine she will let me know ! For example , this week we haven 't been playing Frisbee outside because the grass has been to long and wet , and I don 't want to get my feet and bottom of my pants wet every morning . So she has been crying more in the morning and when I let her outside to go potty before I leave she runs out and pounces on a Frisbee and looks up at me . Or if I go to the bathroom before I go downstairs for breakfast instead of after I eat she seems to think that we need to go outside and play . I have also noticed lately that she starts whining about 7 : 15 am . I couldn 't figure out why until one day I really looked at the time and remembered that we use to go out at about that time to play , but I have been running late lately and haven 't been getting out in time . I guess she was letting me know I was late ! I love my very special girl ! We knew pretty early on that Lucy didn 't like her crate and didn 't like being without us , but we didn 't know to what extent until late August . In August I came home to find that she decided that our couch was a chew toy ! Luckily for us she moved the big back pillows and attack that part behind the pillows . So we were able to do some patch work with the help of my mom and cover it back up and nobody was to the wiser . Well that was until she did it again . I 'm not sure how many times she tore open that part , but one of those times I stitched it up and bought a nice brown fleece blanket from the Goodwill to put on the couch . My mom told me to stitch it onto the couch . Then one day in October I came home to discover that she tore open the arm rest of the couch . That was the day I put her in her kennel while we went to dinner and found her sticking out of the kennel ( crate 2 ) . That time she attacked the back of the couch where her kennel was sitting . I 'm not sure what her issue is with that couch ! That 's when we started her on sedatives and working on training her more . We were told to take her on a walk before we leave the house , which we started doing . We then started putting things on our couches so she couldn 't get to them . We put all of our kitchen chairs on the couch with bar stools on top of them , we put boxes on the love seat and blocked off behind the couch with her kennel and more boxes . It is now work to leave the house ! Well one day she got back behind the couch and chewed on it more by standing on her back legs . Then in March I came home to find that she finally attacked our love seat . She attacked the front of it . Luckily I was able to find some fabric that looked good and was able to make it look like new . The next day I made sure we put stuff in front of the love seat so she wouldn 't destroy it again . I couldn 't afford to have to stitch it up again with my husband 's birthday party being the next day . So Friday when I got home from work I collapsed and start crying when I came up our stairs . She had totally destroyed the back of the love seat which is one of the first things you see when you walk in my house . We have since called the vet and got her on new meds which are helping I think ( knock on wood ) . We moved the love seat so she can no longer get to the back of it anymore . I 'm pretty sure I could start Posted by To start off with you need to know that Lucy has severe separation anxiety from her momma ! Therefore let me tell you the story of her 3 crates . We first started her with a metal crate we got from my mother - in - law . It was a little small for her but big enough for her to lay down . The first night we had her , we first put her in our bathroom downstairs because we felt the crate was too small . After an hour of hearing her tearing that room apart , I went down and tried sleeping on the floor . I quickly decided that was not going to work for us especially since she wanted to sleep with the light on . I decided to try the kennel and lay next to it until she fell asleep . Victory for me it seemed to work , key word seemed ! I woke up a couple hours later hearing a pitiful cry coming from downstairs . When I went in the room I found Lucy 's head sticking out of the kennel . She had pulled back two of the metal bars and got stuck . She had also pulled in the towel that was outside of the kennel and my blanket and tore up the rug that was there . We quickly learned that she needed to sleep in our room . Crate 2 was bought and was a nice large plastic one . We tried training her and leaving her in following all the protocols every trainer seems to give . But slowly over time she chewed through the hard plastic and got a 1 " by 2 " hole in it . Well one day she did something really bad while I was at work ( she chewed the couch ) and we were going out for dinner so I had to put her in her kennel . After two hours she made that small hole into a big enough hole for her head , neck and paw to come through . Crate 3 was bought the next day . We went to the vet got some sedatives for her and had an appointment to meet with a trainer one on one to fix the problem the next day . I left her in the new kennel when I went to work . When I got home she had chewed two of the bars off towards the back of the kennel . The worst part and the part I don 't understand was that she dragged her bed through that hole and destroyed it . When I left her bed was outside of h Our lives changed dramatically almost a year ago when my husband and I decided we wanted to get a puppy . We searched hard ! It was actually sad at times . We both fell in love with a puppy on an adoption website where you had to apply and they never responded . We would visit the humane society a couple of times a week but were disappointed each time . Finally , one Saturday we went in the morning and found nothing . We happened to be driving near it again later that day and I convinced Terry to stop again . We walked right in the kennel area and it was like a magnet I was drawn right to her . I quickly read her information she was six months and an Australian Shepherd mix . Perfect I thought , a puppy , a female , and a breed that should get big ! Not to mention she was the cutest thing ever black and white with a spotted white ear . We filled out the paper work and got to sit with her . She crawled right in my lap and refused to see Terry . I was in love ! We had to wait 3 days since she had to get spayed . During that time we had to figure out a name . All the names we suggested to each other got shot down by the other . I finally suggested Lucy from my favorite show I Love Lucy . That was it ! I compromised on her middle name which is Xanthercar . Well I guess the name either fit her perfectly or she took after her namesake , since she is always getting in trouble ! In the past year I have come up with so many struggles with her . But I still love her like the day I met her . People tell me all the time that they would have given her up . ( You will understand after I post more stories ) But to me she is not a pet she is my child , my baby ! If I ever have a child who presents as much problems as she has I would never get rid of my child , therefore I will never give up Lucy until she takes her last breath . ( Which at times I wonder if that will be at my husband 's hands ! Just kidding he only jokes but he loves her too ! ) Lucy is an one year old Jack Russell Terrier / Australian Shepherd mix puppy . She is a very energetic puppy with seperation anxiety ! But she is a very sweet and smart puppy ! |
This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . This eBook may not be re - sold or given away to other people . If you would like to share this book with another person , please purchase an additional copy for each recipient . If you 're reading this book and did not purchase it , or it was not purchased for your use only , then please return to Smashwords . com and purchase your own copy . Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author . This story is from a collection of stories about a young boy growing up in the south . The reader sees the world through Roland McCray 's somewhat innocent and often unique views on southern culture , pastimes , and religion as he seeks to apply his values to what he sees in the world around him . Roland is seeking spiritual growth and meaning in a world that is difficult for him to understand . In the tradition of classic Americana , Roland McCray carries the reader into his world through his depth of character and vivid descriptive imagery . These short tales of Roland McCray would not have been possible without the editing assistance and advice of others . I want to especially thank Anita Young , Gail Weimont , Jerry Bryson and Paul Ellis for their encouragement and invaluable input in editing and helping me to craft these stories and Steve Johnson for tirelessly reading these stories and searching out my many grammatical errors and typos . I also need to acknowledge the encouragement and truly invaluable advice of my many writing teachers , especially author Clint McGowan and bestselling author Sherri Reynolds ( " The Rapture of Canaan " , and more ) . " The element I enjoy the most about Blaine Coleman 's novel is the wholesome Americana / Twain vibe . It takes me back to a very simple , uncomplicated time in life . Also , there are many moments that I connected with because of culture , atmosphere , and language . Roland McCray is a character that any reader can identify with . " " Blaine Coleman has a great way of storytelling that pulls the reader into a nostalgic narrative of a coming of age story that keeps the reader intrigued while taking a journey through Roland McCray 's unique perception of the world from his eyes . We see Roland 's imagination and empathy , and tidbits of insight and maturity - as he displays values in a very positive light . Roland 's innocent pathos and insight is always refreshing and he has a remarkable way of reflecting on southern culture and pastimes . The descriptive imagery is vibrant and makes for wonderful settings . In some ways Roland 's story becomes a little bit of everyone 's story . " " One imagines the birth of happiness to be accompanied by some great spectacular upheaval . One can imagine it flowering in the most luxurious setting . Yet happiness is born of a trifle , feeds on nothing . " Mariama Bâ " No , but thanks anyway . The lane is dusty and full of pot holes . " I grinned and patted the dashboard . " I wouldn 't want you to mess up the suspension or get dust all over your car , " I said . Butch was proud of his ' 66 Impala and he kept it in perfect condition . He 'd even bought a vanity tag : " MY66 CHVY " . I looked in the same direction ; with no moon , it was a dark night but I could only make out the even blacker tree line because the stars were above it . " Yeah , " I said , " it is . But I walk this lane every day so I know where all the holes are ; I can walk around them . Besides , I 'm not afraid of the dark , Butch . You know that . " " I know , Roland , you 're not afraid of the dark . All I 'm saying is that I wouldn 't to be out here when it 's pitch black , " he said then looked at me . " I like to at least be able to see the ground right in front of my feet . " " There 's starlight , " I replied . " My eyes will adjust . And there 's nothing between here and my house to be scared of ; except , maybe , tripping in one of potholes , " and I laughed . I knew Butch from when I 'd lived in town , but my family had moved to the farm before I turned eleven so I was used to not having street lights . Butch wasn 't , though , and apparently he was afraid of the dark , or of what he couldn 't see , at least . Which surprised me , since I 'd never known him to be afraid of anything . Butch was looking at the field across the road . " What 's with that fog over there ? " Butch asked . " That 's strange … it doesn 't even go down to the ground , but kind of floats above it . " I looked , but already knew what he was talking about . " It does that , " I said . " When the air cools at night , the ground stays warm for a while . Then damp air flows out from the woods and fog condenses out of it , then sort of rides over top of the layer of warm air . " " That 's pretty cool , " he said , " you can see under it almost all the way to the woods . " Just then , we heard noise coming from the opposite direction , the woods behind my house . It sounded like a cross between a woman 's scream , a baby 's crying , and a cat 's growl . Butch snapped his head around and looked at me . " What the hell was that ? " " That 's a bobcat . Indians believed that bobcats come with the fog , " I said and shrugged . " I don 't know if that means anything or not . I don 't hear that bobcat very often , and there 's fog like this over the fields a lot of nights . They hunt at night , and only make that sound when they 're mating , or looking for a mate . It sounds almost like a woman 's scream or a baby crying , doesn 't it ? " " It sounds like something , " he said , " but I 'm not sure what . I didn 't know there were any bobcats around here . They 're dangerous , aren 't they ? " " Yes , one . They mark their territory and others usually stay out , except during mating season and that 's usually early spring and sometimes , again in mid - summer . So if you hear one , it will probably be the only one for miles around . And I don 't mean they 're not dangerous , at all , just not to people or large dogs . They mostly eat small animals . Birds when they can catch them , but usually rabbits , or mice . And sometimes , my aunt will lose one of her chickens . " " Well - they 're in the same family , " I said . " They 're ' big cats ' , but much smaller than lions and tigers . Nowhere near big enough to attack a person , or even a grown dog . " " No , I 'm not worried about my dog ; she can take care of herself . And a bobcat wouldn 't waste time going after a dog when there 's lots of smaller prey for them . Unless it 's a really small dog , maybe , or a puppy . They hide from people and will run if a dog chases them . Not that a bobcat couldn 't take on a dog , if cornered . They are cats , after all , and cats have claws . " " My aunt told me . When we first moved here , I 'd hear them at night and it sounded to me like a woman or a baby crying in the woods . But my aunt said ' those are just bobcats , Roland , they won 't trouble you none ' . So I looked them up in the encyclopedia and it said that when they 're mating , their growls sometimes sound like a woman 's scream or a baby crying . At least from a distance . " " Not really . We used to have two , a black male named ' King ' , he was mine , and my sister had a tabby she named ' Cindy ' . Since the tabby was female , Dad made sure she was ' fixed ' before my sister could have her . King was a beautiful cat , but he 'd lay still in tall grass near the hedges and snatch birds right out of the air . I hated that . " " I know . But I never realized before just how good they are at killing things . Mom wouldn 't let them stay inside , but they could get into the crawlspace under the house , so they didn 't have to sleep out in cold weather . When the cats were about three years old , we had a really cold winter and they 'd sit on top of the fireplace chimney to keep warm . They both got sick and Dad said it was from breathing the fumes from the fireplace . " I remembered burying both cats at the end of the field , near the woods . " We haven 't had any cats since then . But a pet bobcat - that would be something ! " Even with the strange sounds that come from the woods , especially back toward the swamp , I liked living on the farm . Without street lights , there were more stars in the sky than I 'd ever seen in town and on a clear night I could see the Milky Way splashed across the sky . Sometimes I 'd even walk down the path behind my house into the woods at night . But only when the moon is bright enough for me to see the ground , of course ; I like the quiet peace of the woods at night , but I 'm not stupid ! He laughed . " I bet it will ! At least tuck in your shirt and make sure your hair 's combed , in case your Mom waited up for you . " " It 's after midnight , Butch , and she has church in the morning . She won 't be up this late . " I thought for a minute . " But , knowing Mom , she may get up when she hears me come in , to see if I want her to warm up something for me to eat . Dad might still be up , though , watching TV in the living room , but he probably won 't care that I stayed out this late , especially since it 's a Saturday night and I don 't have school tomorrow . " " Not really , " I said . " When I told her I didn 't want to go to church anymore she argued with me for a while , but then Dad told her I was twelve years old and in some cultures , that made me an adult and that I should be able to make my own decisions about religion . Actually , I was kind of surprised when he told my Mom that it was my decision whether or not I wanted to go to Mom 's church . " I knew how my Dad felt about ' organized ' religion , and that if I went to no church at all until , after I was an adult , I decided to join a religion of my own free will . " We never went to church , " Butch said , referring to his family . " But I don 't think I would 've liked it if I 'd had to go . I don 't like dressing up , and all that stuff . " " Well , thanks for giving Gina a ride home , Butch " I said . " I really appreciate it ; I had a great time tonight and if I hadn 't run into you , it would 've been miserable ! I 'm sorry I barged in on your date night with Pam , though , but I haven 't seen Gina for a long time , and I really didn 't want to go back to my ' date ' . " " Yes , really , " he said . " And don 't worry , Roland , you didn 't ' barge in ' ; I invited you , remember ? You know you 're always welcome ; I 'm glad that you and your ' unexpected ' date joined us . " " Good , " I said . " That makes me feel better . Pam 's always been real sweet to me , anyway . " Butch cut eyes cut toward me . " I said - sweet to me , Butch , not sweet on me . " " I know what you mean , Roland , " he said and looked up at me with a grin . " Pam thinks you 're sweet , and real polite . Like a Boy Scout , or something . " Butch laughed , but the way he almost spit out the words ' Boy Scout ' reminded me that he thought guys who acted like Boy Scouts were strange . I never thought of myself as a Boy Scout ; I just did what I was taught . I tried to be nice to other people and to always to do the right thing . But I understood why Butch felt the way that he did : most of his friends were from town and liked to party a lot , so I 'm sure they felt the same way about guys who acted like Boy Scouts . I laughed and shook my head " I 'm no Boy Scout . " I hesitated . " I was a cub scout , though , but I only went to one meeting . " I shrugged . " Six , maybe seven ; I 'm not sure . I knew who you were because I used to see you over at Curtis 's house . " Curtis was about the same age as Butch , but I knew him because he lived across the street from me when I lived in town . Actually , I already knew Butch 's name before I 'd ever met him . The street I lived on was a downhill slope to a dead end , and some of the older kids in the neighborhood like to ride their bikes down it . Butch was one of those ' big kids ' ; he 'd changed the front end of his bike to the tire extended out like a chopper . And he was probably the best one at skidding to a stop at the end of the street and throwing loose gravel into the empty lot . Everybody in the neighborhood knew who Butch Jordon was . " He does have a handgun , Roland . He showed it to me once , but he wouldn 't let me hold it . He says that kids shouldn 't handle guns . " " I do remember the Cub Scout meetings were every Monday at five , " I said . " But I didn 't think to keep track of what day of the week it was , except for Saturdays , when I watched cartoons , and Sundays , of course , because we had to go to church . I think Mom just didn 't want to have to drive me to the meetings and then pick me up . I don 't think she likes driving at night . " " Probably not , " Butch said . " My mom doesn 't won 't even drive after dark , so Dad takes her to the drive - in and picks her up after she closes it . I guess your mom 's probably the same about driving after dark . " " So Roland , what happened to your girl you were dating - Patty , right ? " Butch asked . " Did you break up with her ? " I 'd taken Patty to a party once and Butch and Pam had met her then . " Gina seems really nice , Roland " he said , " and she 's a lot better looking … " He grinned . " I think she 'd be a great girlfriend for you . " I felt my face flush . I 'd gone to the drive - in theater with a friend from school , Andrea , and her boyfriend . Andrea said that a girlfriend was staying with her for the weekend , and Andrea 's boyfriend wanted to see a movie at the drive - in theater . Andrea didn 't want to leave her friend home alone , and since her friend didn 't have a date , she asked me if I 'd be her friend 's blind date as a favor to her . " Really sweet usually means not very pretty , " I 'd said . Truthfully , though , I liked girls for who they were , inside , rather than for what they looked like . I 'd already learned that beauty really is only skin deep with some girls . They picked me up at the end of the lane in Billy 's pickup truck . Andrea reached over from the center of the seat and pushed open the passenger door , where her girlfriend sat . Some guys might 've thought ' Debbs ' was cute , in a way , but I didn 't . But Andrea had said Debbs was sweet and that would be fine with me . So Debbs wasn 't ' sweet ' at all ; she was arrogant and pretentious . And not all that cute , either . But , I didn 't want to ruin Andrea 's evening , so I climbed up into Billy 's truck , doing my best not to be too close to Debbs . I didn 't like her from the moment we met , and I 'm sure the feeling was mutual . " Nouveau riche , " I replied . " It means ' new money ' ; you know , people who don 't know how to handle First Class . " I only knew that because I 'd heard it in a movie , but I wasn 't going to tell them that . Billy laughed . " Nouveau riche , " he said , " that 's pretty good . " And we both smiled . But Andrea gave me that pleading look again , so I figured it was too late to back out of the ' date ' then . She was going to owe me big for this . " Not poor , Debbs . I said he can 't work anymore . I didn 't say he doesn 't have an income ; it 's just not as much as he 's used to getting . But , we 're not poor . " I could 've told Debbs that my Mom and Dad own several houses that they rent out for extra income . Dad insists that the properties that he and Mom own put us in the ' rich ' category , but I have a hard time believing that . I mean , we have been on vacations to Disney World and rented cottages on the beach . But that was when he was still working . We don 't live like rich people . " He doesn 't like to spend a lot of money just to impress other people . We live in my great - great grandfather 's farmhouse , because that 's where Dad wants to live . " That wasn 't entirely true , but I felt the need to take up for my Dad . " But he collects and restores antique cars for a hobby , " I said . " Ever seen a mint - condition ' 59 Lincoln , or ' 56 Buick ? Dad has both , plus about a dozen other antique cars , most of them luxury models . But he drives a seven year old Dodge and Mom has her ten year old Ford Fairlane . " " He drives the cheaper cars because he isn 't stupid , " I said . " Why would anyone want to drive an antique Lincoln just for running errands ? " I thought about where Debbs lived . " Well , your father might , just to show people that he has money . My Dad couldn 't care less what other people think . " Dad did collect antique cars , and the money he spent on them was always a point of contention between him and Mom . And I loved that black , fin tailed Lincoln ; it reminded me of the Batmobile . He let me start it up about once a month and move it ten feet or so on the driveway , to make sure everything 's still working . I 'd try out all the buttons on it , the power windows and locks , plus the air conditioner ; it seemed like that car has a button for everything ! And all that chrome inside and out was blinding when struck by the sun . I 'd make sure the seat still moved forward and back and that the doors opened and closed . I liked to pretend to be driving , but Dad would never let me take it on the road . He said that 's what his Dodge is for , so sometimes he 'd let me borrow that . I liked the Buick , too . It was a two door model , red with white side panels and chrome air intakes on both front fenders that were just for show ; they don 't do anything . The hood ornament was a chrome jet airplane with swept back wings and the car is huge inside . It wasn 't as fancy as the Lincoln , but it looked sportier . When I was younger , Dad sometimes drove the Buick when we went to visit his mother , who lived about three hours away , and riding in the backseat felt like we were flying up the highway . Mom always complained that he drove too fast , though . Once we got to the drive - in , I planned to sit outside ; there was no way I was going to stay in the truck , pressed up against Debbs . When we got to the drive - in , my friend 's mother was at the window where you paid to get in . I leaned over and smiled so she 'd see me . She smiled and shook her head . " Teenagers , " she said . " Well I expect a visit from you soon , Roland , " she said , then raised the gate and waved us through . " Why did you set me up with her ? " I asked . " She 's kind of cute , but , she 's also kind of a , uh … " " Yes you do , " I said and then smiled to let her know it was alright . " That 's okay , Andrea - I won 't forget ! But as soon as she gets back , I 'm going up to the Snack Shack and get a cold drink . As you saw at the gate , I know the family that owns the drive - in , and the woman 's son is a good friend of mine . He works here . But … I 'm not going to rush to get back . " Billy laughed . " I wouldn 't blame you if you didn 't come back at all , " he said . " But if you 're not here when the movie 's over , I 'll look for you up at the Snack Shack and give you a ride home . " When Debbs got back , I got out . " I 'm going to get something to drink , " I said to Andrea and Billy , ignoring Debbs entirely , and headed for the Snack Shack . As luck would have it , Butch was there , but wasn 't working that night . He was on the customer side of the counter , picking up drinks and fries . " Roland ! Haven 't seen you in a while , " he said . " Yeah , I 'm off tonight , so I brought Pam to see the movie . Are you here on a date ? " I nodded . " A blind date , " I said . " I should 've known better . She 's back at the truck with my friends , but I don 't want to go back there . That girl 's a real , uh , bitch ! " I really wasn 't in the habit of using curse words ; I never heard them at home . " No , it wouldn 't be rude . It 's a blind date , Roland . And if even you say the girl 's a bitch , she must really be bad ! " He shook his head . " I 'd say you don 't owe her anything . Let her friends take her home , but you 're coming with me . " He put his hand on my elbow . " Pam will be thrilled to see you again . " I hesitated , then : " Yeah , you 're probably right . She 's rude , and I don 't owe her anything . She lives up in River 's Bluff and seems to think she 's too good for me . Billy and Andrea brought her , they can take her home . " " River 's Bluff ? That explains it then . " Butch smiled . " Let 's go , " he said , " I parked near the back , where it isn 't so crowded . " I looked at the row after row of cars and wondered just how many people there were actually watching the movie . It was ' The Night of The Living Dead ' ; not the kind of movie I 'd ever pay to see . I wasn 't a fan of gore , and so far , this was probably the worst film I 'd ever seen . I picked up my drink and followed behind Butch . It was a good thing that the movie screen was behind us ; it lit the gravel enough for me to see where to walk . Since the ground was angled up in a small ramp at each row , so the cars would have a better view , it was difficult to see where to step without stumbling . We went between and around cars . In some of them was just a single couple , and not all of them were watching the movie ; other cars had two couples in them and several that were packed with teenagers , since the admission price covered each car , no matter how many people were in it . Some people sat out on the hoods of their cars to get a better view , and fresh air , or to smoke cigarettes . On the hood of one car , several teenagers brazenly passed around a joint . I stopped , turned around , and saw her looking out the front window of the car full of girls and a big smile came to my face . " Gina ! " I 'd been in the same advanced biology class with Gina in the 9th grade ; the students were partners , two to a table , and she 'd sat at the table right behind mine . " I wasn 't sure it was you , from the back , " she said then approached and gave me a hug . Gina had been gorgeous , back in ninth grade , and she was still beautiful , and had filled out in all the right places . I wasn 't expecting that warm hug , but I put my arms around her , hands in the small of her back , hugged her tightly and lifted her off her feet . I had an urge to spin her around then set her down , but I stopped myself . I didn 't know Gina well enough to do something that personal ; I think that mostly I was just relieved to get away from Debbs , and to see a friendly face . The other girls in the car Gina had been in were watching and I felt a little embarrassed so I stepped back , but I couldn 't stop my smile . " It 's been a long time , Gina , and I couldn 't help myself ; that just felt like the right thing to do . I 'm sorry if I was out of line with that hug . " " Did you hear me complain ? " She asked looking up into my eyes . " I was just surprised , that 's all . You never even asked me out when we were in class together , " she said , pretending to pout . " But I liked that hug you just gave me , Roland ; it was really sweet , and actually , I 'm glad I ran into you . " I was relieved , then , and relaxed a little ; resisting my first impulse , to literally sweep her off the ground and spin her around , had been the right decision . Of course , giving in to my first impulse might 've been right , too , but I 'd never know . " Umm , I was , " I replied as I looked at the ground in front of my feet . " A blind date , and I regret ever agreeing to it ; that 's why I left her back near the front with her friends who brought us and I 'm not going back . " I hoped Gina wouldn 't think that was too callous of me ; I mean , a date is a date and I 'd agreed to it . But I comforted myself with the thought that Andrea had misled me about the girl she 'd set me up with . " That bad , huh ? I hate blind dates , " Gina said . " I don 't do blind - dates . I know the kind of guy I like and I don 't need anyone else deciding who would be ' perfect ' for me . " Now I knew she hadn 't judged me as unreliable , rude , or inconsiderate . " Going on a blind date was my mistake , " I said . " But it won 't happen again . So … " I wasn 't sure if I should ask , but I had to , " are you here with someone ? On a date , I mean . " I looked toward her car and only saw girls , but if Gina had a date with her , he could be gone for drinks or something . " Not a chance . I 'm done with blind dates , " I replied , then - " Gina , this is my friend , Butch , " and he nodded to Gina , " and his girlfriend is in the car . Do you want to come and sit with me - us , if your friends don 't mind ? " She hesitated , and for a moment I thought I was going to be turned down , right in front of Butch . And I was sure there were many other people at the drive - in who 'd recognize me , too . Then she smiled . " Wait here a minute , " she said and walked back over to the car . The girls she was with were looking at me and I heard one of them giggle , and then handed Gina her purse , and she walked back toward me . " Lead the way , " she said with a broad smile and took hold of my hand . Butch looked at me and winked , then we followed him the rest of the way . When we got to his car , I introduced Gina to Pam and then we got into the backseat . After we were in and I closed the door , I put my arm around her shoulder ; I halfway suspected she might pull away , but she didn 't . " I had such a crush on you , " Gina said , loud enough for Butch and Pam to hear . She was looking up at my face and I blushed a little . I was surprised at that , but thrilled , too . Gina 's smile was somehow shy and self - confident at the same time and it went straight to my heart . " Yes , I did , " she said . " Every girl in class did , Roland ; you were the cutest guy in the class and you made us laugh so much that advanced biology was actually fun . Girls like a guy who can make them laugh . Especially when he 's a cute , friendly guy , " she said with a sweet smile . " Gina , including me , there were only seven guys in that class , " I said . " So being the cutest guy in a group of seven nerds isn 't saying much . " I smiled as I said that , so she 'd know I was just kidding . " Roland , I thought you were one of the best looking guys in school , " she said . " And I still do . In fact , I think you 're the best looking guy there . " She pressed her body even closer to mine and I had to start doing some quick math calculations in my head to keep the feelings of lust in the background . " Ah , it would 've mattered to me , Gina . I didn 't have a girlfriend ; that girl , Patty , wanted to be my girlfriend but I wasn 't interested . I tried to be nice to her , though ; I don 't like to hurt anyone 's feelings . " " Like I said , I was just trying to be nice ; but you were the prettiest girl I knew . " I smiled , feeling a bit self - conscious . " I had a huge crush on you , Gina . I just didn 't think you would be interested in me . " " I was so stupid ! " I said . " I had a crush on the prettiest girl in school and she had a crush on me ! " I shook my head . " Guess I missed my chance . " " What makes you think that you missed your chance , Roland ? " she asked . " Everyone deserves a second chance . I had a crush on you then , but I thought you were taken . " She looked into my eyes again . " And you really aren 't dating anyone now ? Other than that blind date you just dumped ? " ' Dumped ' sounded like a harsh word , but I nodded agreement . " Good , " she said with a smile and tilted her head up toward me . " Because I still have a crush on you . " The car was dark , except for the changing shadows of light from the distant movie screen , since Butch had parked near the rear , but flickering light from the movie flashed from Gina 's dark eyes as she looked into mine . Her warm body was pressed against me and it just felt so right . I looked into her dark , beautiful eyes and she 'd lifted her face toward mine , so I leaned in to kiss her . Her full , warm lips welcomed mine and I put my other arm around her and slid my hand over her stomach , then up her side to her wonderful breast . I couldn 't believe how good her body felt . But since Butch and Pam were in the front seat , I knew I couldn 't go as far as I wanted ; that would have to wait until we were alone . I wasn 't usually openly affectionate in front of other people , and I didn 't think it would be fair to Gina to push too much . She 'd just met Butch and Pam , not ten minutes earlier , and I thought it would be foolish to put her in the position of having to refuse my advances . Besides , I felt certain by then that if we were alone , she wouldn 't be reticent about some hot and heavy making out , though . But for the time being , a long , passionate kiss seemed safe enough , and after that first kiss , we didn 't , as Butch said , watch much of the movie . After the movie was over , we went to a pizza place for a while , but didn 't stay long because Pam had a curfew . Butch drove Pam home and walked her to the door . Gina and I waited while they said goodnight and it seemed to take at least ten minutes , so rather than waste the time we kissed some more and when I slid my hand near her breast , she placed my hand right on it . After a minute or two , I reached up under her blouse just to feel the heat from her smooth skin . When Butch got back to the car , Gina straightened her blouse before he got in and we gave her a ride home . I walked her to the door and we kissed goodnight , a long , passionate kiss with my hands running up and down her back , through her hair and over her shoulders , completely outside of her clothes , and I held her warm , wonderful body close to mine . I didn 't want to stop and clearly neither did Gina , but then a light came on inside the house . " That 's my father , " Gina said . " I better get inside before he opens the door . " She quickly tucked a folded paper napkin from the pizza place into the rear pocket of my jeans , gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and then went inside . Walking back to the car , I took the napkin from my pocket , unfolded it and found she 'd written her name , phone number , and below that " Call me … " my heart almost skipped a beat . The girl I 'd had a crush two years earlier had , and still has , a crush on me too ! And I never would 've guessed . I was so happy that I felt like was walking on air when I got back to the car . " What do you mean ? " I asked . At first , I thought it might be because I was an Honors student every year , and I made that look easy , but that was only because I loved to read . So , my grades couldn 't be it ; Butch had already graduated high school and I 'm sure couldn 't have cared less about me making Honor Roll . Then , I knew a lot of people , probably more than Butch , but that was because I made a real effort to be friendly with everyone I met . " I mean - like tonight , " he said . " You go out on a blind date that turns out to be a big mistake , then you leave with a girl that looks like Gina ! And it turns out that she 'd had a crush on you and you didn 't even realize it . " He smiled . " I didn 't know you had it in you . " Butch sounded truly surprised , and I resented it a little that he didn 't think I was good enough to go out with the really pretty girls . " Yeah , I know , " I said . " I guess I 'm just lucky . Gina is really pretty , isn 't she ? " I said and smiled . " But most of the guys at school think Linda Wells is the prettiest girl in our high school . I don 't , but most of the guys do . " " But , she 's kind of an air head , too , " I said . " Gina 's more my type , and she just happens to be really good looking , too . " I hesitated a moment . " Sexy , too , " I added and Butch laughed at me , but it was a laugh of admiration . I suppressed a blush . " Come on , Butch , " I said . " Everybody knows that Pam 's the prettiest girl in her high school , and she goes out with you ! " I saw in Butch 's face that I might 've hurt his feelings , so I laughed to let him know I wasn 't being serious . But I did know a whole lot of people in town , especially in the neighborhoods around where I 'd lived . Butch was one of my childhood friends whom I had kept up with , and I 'd met quite a few people through him . I had a few other friends besides Butch , but I still saw him more than anyone else in town . If anything , I was jealous of Butch . He was big into sports , had played baseball on the school team and had that all - American , boy - next - door but - maybe - a - little - dangerous look . He was held back a year in grade school , so he was a nineteen year old senior when he graduated and could date any girl he wanted . But I was more the nerd - type : smart ( at least that 's what they 'd always told me in school ) , okay in sports but nothing special , always made Honor Role but I 'd usually rather spend an afternoon reading than go up to Butch 's house to play softball with his friends , most of whom I didn 't know very well . I was shy , I knew that , but guys like Butch intimidated me ; I didn 't play on any sports team , or go boating and water skiing at the lake every summer and hang out with the cool kids , the clique that cheerleaders followed around . I knew I couldn 't just ask out any girl I wanted without risking the embarrassment of being turned down . And I really had a fear of being turned down ; I 'd usually felt like it was a flaw on my part . I was that nice guy , the kind who everyone wants to sign your yearbook , but instead of girls writing ' Will miss you over the summer ' with a little heart beside it and their phone number below ( as a lot of my friends got ) , but both the girls and guys would write something like : " A friend that can be trusted " , " To the most trustworthy friend I have " , or " Always stay just the way you are " . I mean , that was nice and all , but nothing to make me think any of the girls would want to be more than just good friends . Maybe that 's what he meant : it was almost as though I had some guardian angel , or something , watching over me , keeping me from screwing up everything . I 'd never really thought about it before , but I guess that is pretty lucky . Up until that point , I 'd only had three ' girlfriends ' : Elise , Linda , and Patty . Elise , from 7th grade Art class - she was cute , pretty , in her own way , and sweet , but also a little quirky , the way some artsy types can be . Then Linda , ( not Linda Wells ) who was in my 8th grade homeroom ; she had long , straight , silky blond hair and blue eyes that sparkled like star sapphires . I fell for her based on her admittedly stunning beauty , but soon realized she knew just how pretty she was , and acted as though she was used to it , even felt entitled to get her way in everything and that was a little too controlling for my tastes . Then , there was Patty , in ninth grade , the girl Gina had thought was my girlfriend . I shouldn 't really count Patty , though , because that relationship was more in her imagination than in reality . With her , it had started when she 'd show up at my locker between classes ' just to say hi ' and in around the second month of school , she 'd invited me to visit her at home . So I accepted the invitation and had the pleasure of meeting her parents over the course of an excellent dinner . Her mother and father were very nice people , a little old , I thought , to be Patty 's parents . They both had a strong accent , what Dad would call Bohemian , though I didn 't know what that meant . Despite the accent , they were down to earth people , extra friendly and quick to laugh ; I admit I had a great time . But when I left , I got the distinct impression they expected to see me again . They appeared almost relieved to think that Patty had a boyfriend ! I thought it possible that because they were old , they wanted Patty to have someone when they were no longer around . I also thought it was more likely that I 'd misread them entirely . But , rather than take the chance that Patty might get the wrong idea , and have her feelings hurt later , I told her I liked her , a lot , but I didn 't want to " go steady " with anyone right now . I would 've felt responsible if I 'd let it go on and then really hurt her feelings . Patty was still hurt , I could tell , though not as much as she would 've been otherwise . I think . " So , how long 's it been since you last saw Gina ? " Butch asked . " Did she say it was in the 9th grade when she had a crush on you ? " " Yes , we were in freshman year . Almost two years ago . I watched for her in the hallways last year , but the new high school is huge and I never saw her . " " I guess so , " I said . " I certainly didn 't forget her ! We were in the same advanced bio class that year , and I thought then that she was the prettiest girl I 'd ever met . Butch , Gina could 've dated any guy in school if she wanted . And with all those jocks around , I figured she wouldn 't give me a second look . " " I 'm surprised she 'd pick you , too , " Butch said with a laugh . " But now you know she liked you in school , and judging by tonight , she likes you even more now . " He looked at me in disbelief . " And you didn 't even know , man ! She had to tell you herself ! " Butch laughed . " Pretty ? Roland - Gina 's got to be one of the best looking girls in your school and all you say is she 's pretty ! " Butch was right ; saying Gina was just " pretty " was an understatement . She had a vaguely Mediterranean look , Italian , I think , with dark , beautiful , eyes and smooth , olive skin . Her long , silky hair , the color of the baker 's chocolate my Mom cooks with , cascaded over her well - shaped shoulders and onto her adult - woman 's breasts . And voluptuous was the perfect word for a body that had filled out in all the right places . I thought she was beautiful the first time I laid eyes on her , and , for me at least , still the best looking girl in school . If I hadn 't taken that class , I might never have met Gina . I guess it was another one of those times Butch talked about , where things just seemed to work out for me despite what I do . I hadn 't originally signed up for advanced bio ; I was in the second year French class when school started , but nearly thirty students had signed up for it , so at least seven of us had to switch to a different elective . I knew I could take French the following year , but my father insisted I only take the advanced classes so that limited my choices . I 'd always liked science and so I thought I 'd take Physics , since I knew the math in first year Physics wouldn 't be anything I couldn 't handle , but all that was still available was advanced biology . The whole scheduling problem turned out to be a lucky break and it was still paying off , almost two years later . I was the smartest guy in that class , and I knew from experience that a lot of times other guys don 't like a smart kid who might make them look worse , especially when a teacher graded on a curve . So I 'd gotten in the habit of being funny , since everyone likes to laugh . Our teacher in that class , Mrs . Braxton , was fairly young and liked the fact that I took the course work seriously , instead of it being only the girls who did well . And since I treated the work as important and usually , well , almost always , knew the answers when she asked the class a question , Mrs . Braxton let me get away with joking around a little , before I gave her the answer . I made a point of including her when I was kidding around , just as if she was one of us , the students . I think she appreciated that . The main reason I did well in all my classes , except math , was that , beginning in 5th grade , I read all of my textbooks in the first two weeks every year , so I didn 't have to study as hard the rest of the semester to make good grades . I 'd picked up my love of reading from my Dad : he subscribed to two newspapers , several trade journal and magazines , plus bought a copy of Popular Science several times a year . I 'd read our entire set of encyclopedias by time I was twelve ( but , to be honest , I 'd skipped the few articles that didn 't appeal to me ) . Then I convinced Mom to but my . 99 cent paperbacks at the grocery store once in a while . I even read everything on the cereal box at breakfast ! The only classes I had problems with was mathematics ; even though I 'd read the text books , I still needed help to even get a " B " . And if I 'd gotten more than one ' B ' in a semester , I wouldn 't make Honor Roll . That was one of the few things Dad actually praised me for . " We did watch the movie , Roland . I told you I 'd fill you in on what happened . But I couldn 't resist a quick glance now and then , " he said . " But you 're right , it 's getting late and I told Pam I 'd stop back by on my way home . I guess I should get going , before it 's too late and I have to see her Dad . " " Definitely , " I said . " Probably on Monday ; I don 't want to look too desperate , " I said and laughed . " Then again , maybe I 'll call her tomorrow afternoon . I 'd hate to wait too long , you know . " " Yeah , " he said . " A good looking girl like Gina probably has guys after her all the time . And you thought you 'd missed your chance once already ; don 't make the same mistake again . " " Yeah , I know . I 'm not going to let that happen , " I said with a smile . Butch started the car and pulled out onto the road . I stood there until the tail lights were out of sight , then turned and started toward the house . With no moon , only starlight lit the way , so I had to watch my step and miss the hard ridges of dried mud and the potholes left by cars and pickup trucks driving down the lane when it was wet . About halfway down the lane , there was an old wood post on each side , so I stopped and leaned back against one of them . The muggy heat of the day had dissipated and lent the cooler night air a clarity that 's only seen far from city lights . I looked up at the stars , so numerous against the sky they were almost overwhelming , and I traced out some of the constellations I recognized . When I was ten years old , my Dad had bought me a six - inch reflector telescope for Christmas , and I 'd spent a lot of nights finding the planets and looking closely at the moon ; learning the constellations and the names of some of the stars just came along with that . I no longer had the telescope , but still knew most of the stars and constellations , and I could recognize the planets when one was in the sky . The brightest star , almost directly overhead , was Vega , in the constellation called the Lyre , which was something like a harp . It was right on the edge of where the Milky Way meandered across the sky . I knew how to trace the Milky Way north to the constellation Cassiopeia , the beautiful queen of Greek mythology , and I pictured Gina , reclining on the goddess 's royal sofa , draped in a satiny gown . That was how I felt about Gina that evening . It had just been so nice with her warm body pressed against mine , her beautifully formed breasts … Just then I heard the woman / baby - crying , growling sound of a bobcat , calling from back toward the swamp , and I knew that cat must 've found a mate . Lucky cat . That shook me from my daydreaming and reminded that I was just standing in the dark , so I double checked my pocket where I 'd put Gina 's number , then walked the rest of the way to the house . I was infatuated with Gina , and just thinking about her smile and unbelievably wonderful body almost made me want to skip ; something I hadn 't done since I was a child . I felt silly , but in a good way , a way I 'd never felt before , and couldn 't wait for the next day to come so that I could call Gina , see her beautiful face again . I looked across the field to the tree line that was black against the sky and noticed the fog beginning to roll from the woods out over the field . Until I moved to the farm I 'd never seen fog like that : it was a band about five feet high and too thick to see through but floated about two feet above the ground , and you could bend low and look underneath it all the way to the woods . Bobcats and the fog , I thought ; maybe the Indians were onto something . As I finished the walk home , fighting the urge to kick up my heels , or do something else stupid , I thought about what Butch had said : that I was lucky , that things just seem to come to me , or work out for the best , without me even trying . Obviously , I couldn 't complain to Andrea for setting me up with ' Debbs ' because if I hadn 't gone on that blind date with that pretentious snob of a girl , I wouldn 't have run into Gina . Andrea didn 't owe me for that favor at all ; if anything , I owed her . That was clearly just one more time when what I 'd thought was a big disappointment was actually what I 'd needed , after all . I realized then that Butch might be right : I had been lucky , I was lucky and things always did seem to work out for me . Especially when I wasn 't trying to force anything , but just accepted what whatever the day brought . I decided then that rather than let my lust control what I do ( and with Gina , I knew there was a lot of lust involved ) , I 'd wait until Monday to call her . I felt like calling Gina the very next day might be a bad idea , like I was pushing for something to happen before its time . And it probably wouldn 't be smart of me to try to force things , since if I just let what happens happen , I 'd be happier with whatever came my way on its own . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only . This eBook may not be re - sold or given away to other people . If you would like to share this book with another person , please purchase an additional copy for each recipient . If you 're reading this book and did not purchase it , or it was not purchased for your use only , then please return to Smashwords . com and purchase your own copy . Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author . This story is from a collection of stories about a young boy growing up in the south . The reader sees the world through Roland McCray 's somewhat innocent and often unique views on southern culture , pastimes , and religion as he seeks to apply his values to what he sees in the world around him . Roland is seeking spiritual growth and meaning in a world that is difficult for him to understand . In the tradition of classic Americana , Roland McCray carries the reader into his world through his depth of character and vivid descriptive imagery . These short tales of Roland McCray would not have been possible without the editing assistance and advice of others . I want to especially thank Anita Young , Gail Weimont , Jerry Bryson and Paul Ellis for their encouragement and invaluable input in editing and helping me to craft these stories and Steve Johnson for tirelessly reading these stories and searching out my many grammatical errors and typos . I also need to acknowledge the encouragement and truly invaluable advice of my many writing teachers , especially author Clint McGowan and bestselling author Sherri Reynolds ( " The Rapture of Canaan " , and more ) . " The element I enjoy the most about Blaine Coleman 's novel is the wholesome Americana / Twain vibe . It takes me back to a very simple , uncomplicated time in life . Also , there are many moments that I connected with because of culture , atmosphere , and language . Roland McCray is a character that any reader can identify with . " " Blaine Coleman has a great way of storytelling that pulls the reader into a nostalgic narrative of a coming of age story that keeps the reader intrigued while taking a journey through Roland McCray 's unique perception of the world from his eyes . We see Roland 's imagination and empathy , and tidbits of insight and maturity - as he displays values in a very positive light . Roland 's innocent pathos and insight is always refreshing and he has a remarkable way of reflecting on southern culture and pastimes . The descriptive imagery is vibrant and makes for wonderful settings . In some ways Roland 's story becomes a little bit of everyone 's story . " " One imagines the birth of happiness to be accompanied by some great spectacular upheaval . One can imagine it flowering in the most luxurious setting . Yet happiness is born of a trifle , feeds on nothing . " Mariama Bâ " No , but thanks anyway . The lane is dusty and full of pot holes . " I grinned and patted the dashboard . " I wouldn 't want you to mess up the suspension or get dust all over your car , " I said . Butch was proud of his ' 66 Impala and he kept it in perfect condition . He 'd even bought a vanity tag : " MY66 CHVY " . I looked in the same direction ; with no moon , it was a dark night but I could only make out the even blacker tree line because the stars were above it . " Yeah , " I said , " it is . But I walk this lane every day so I know where all the holes are ; I can walk around them . Besides , I 'm not afraid of the dark , Butch . You know that . " " I know , Roland , you 're not afraid of the dark . All I 'm saying is that I wouldn 't to be out here when it 's pitch black , " he said then looked at me . " I like to at least be able to see the ground right in front of my feet . " " There 's starlight , " I replied . " My eyes will adjust . And there 's nothing between here and my house to be scared of ; except , maybe , tripping in one of potholes , " and I laughed . I knew Butch from when I 'd lived in town , but my family had moved to the farm before I turned eleven so I was used to not having street lights . Butch wasn 't , though , and apparently he was afraid of the dark , or of what he couldn 't see , at least . Which surprised me , since I 'd never known him to be afraid of anything . Butch was looking at the field across the road . " What 's with that fog over there ? " Butch asked . " That 's strange … it doesn 't even go down to the ground , but kind of floats above it . " I looked , but already knew what he was talking about . " It does that , " I said . " When the air cools at night , the ground stays warm for a while . Then damp air flows out from the woods and fog condenses out of it , then sort of rides over top of the layer of warm air . " " That 's pretty cool , " he said , " you can see under it almost all the way to the woods . " Just then , we heard noise coming from the opposite direction , the woods behind my house . It sounded like a cross between a woman 's scream , a baby 's crying , and a cat 's growl . Butch snapped his head around and looked at me . " What the hell was that ? " " That 's a bobcat . Indians believed that bobcats come with the fog , " I said and shrugged . " I don 't know if that means anything or not . I don 't hear that bobcat very often , and there 's fog like this over the fields a lot of nights . They hunt at night , and only make that sound when they 're mating , or looking for a mate . It sounds almost like a woman 's scream or a baby crying , doesn 't it ? " " It sounds like something , " he said , " but I 'm not sure what . I didn 't know there were any bobcats around here . They 're dangerous , aren 't they ? " " Yes , one . They mark their territory and others usually stay out , except during mating season and that 's usually early spring and sometimes , again in mid - summer . So if you hear one , it will probably be the only one for miles around . And I don 't mean they 're not dangerous , at all , just not to people or large dogs . They mostly eat small animals . Birds when they can catch them , but usually rabbits , or mice . And sometimes , my aunt will lose one of her chickens . " " Well - they 're in the same family , " I said . " They 're ' big cats ' , but much smaller than lions and tigers . Nowhere near big enough to attack a person , or even a grown dog . " " No , I 'm not worried about my dog ; she can take care of herself . And a bobcat wouldn 't waste time going after a dog when there 's lots of smaller prey for them . Unless it 's a really small dog , maybe , or a puppy . They hide from people and will run if a dog chases them . Not that a bobcat couldn 't take on a dog , if cornered . They are cats , after all , and cats have claws . " " My aunt told me . When we first moved here , I 'd hear them at night and it sounded to me like a woman or a baby crying in the woods . But my aunt said ' those are just bobcats , Roland , they won 't trouble you none ' . So I looked them up in the encyclopedia and it said that when they 're mating , their growls sometimes sound like a woman 's scream or a baby crying . At least from a distance . " " Not really . We used to have two , a black male named ' King ' , he was mine , and my sister had a tabby she named ' Cindy ' . Since the tabby was female , Dad made sure she was ' fixed ' before my sister could have her . King was a beautiful cat , but he 'd lay still in tall grass near the hedges and snatch birds right out of the air . I hated that . " " I know . But I never realized before just how good they are at killing things . Mom wouldn 't let them stay inside , but they could get into the crawlspace under the house , so they didn 't have to sleep out in cold weather . When the cats were about three years old , we had a really cold winter and they 'd sit on top of the fireplace chimney to keep warm . They both got sick and Dad said it was from breathing the fumes from the fireplace . " I remembered burying both cats at the end of the field , near the woods . " We haven 't had any cats since then . But a pet bobcat - that would be something ! " Even with the strange sounds that come from the woods , especially back toward the swamp , I liked living on the farm . Without street lights , there were more stars in the sky than I 'd ever seen in town and on a clear night I could see the Milky Way splashed across the sky . Sometimes I 'd even walk down the path behind my house into the woods at night . But only when the moon is bright enough for me to see the ground , of course ; I like the quiet peace of the woods at night , but I 'm not stupid ! He laughed . " I bet it will ! At least tuck in your shirt and make sure your hair 's combed , in case your Mom waited up for you . " " It 's after midnight , Butch , and she has church in the morning . She won 't be up this late . " I thought for a minute . " But , knowing Mom , she may get up when she hears me come in , to see if I want her to warm up something for me to eat . Dad might still be up , though , watching TV in the living room , but he probably won 't care that I stayed out this late , especially since it 's a Saturday night and I don 't have school tomorrow . " " Not really , " I said . " When I told her I didn 't want to go to church anymore she argued with me for a while , but then Dad told her I was twelve years old and in some cultures , that made me an adult and that I should be able to make my own decisions about religion . Actually , I was kind of surprised when he told my Mom that it was my decision whether or not I wanted to go to Mom 's church . " I knew how my Dad felt about ' organized ' religion , and that if I went to no church at all until , after I was an adult , I decided to join a religion of my own free will . " We never went to church , " Butch said , referring to his family . " But I don 't think I would 've liked it if I 'd had to go . I don 't like dressing up , and all that stuff . " " Well , thanks for giving Gina a ride home , Butch " I said . " I really appreciate it ; I had a great time tonight and if I hadn 't run into you , it would 've been miserable ! I 'm sorry I barged in on your date night with Pam , though , but I haven 't seen Gina for a long time , and I really didn 't want to go back to my ' date ' . " " Yes , really , " he said . " And don 't worry , Roland , you didn 't ' barge in ' ; I invited you , remember ? You know you 're always welcome ; I 'm glad that you and your ' unexpected ' date joined us . " " Good , " I said . " That makes me feel better . Pam 's always been real sweet to me , anyway . " Butch cut eyes cut toward me . " I said - sweet to me , Butch , not sweet on me . " " I know what you mean , Roland , " he said and looked up at me with a grin . " Pam thinks you 're sweet , and real polite . Like a Boy Scout , or something . " Butch laughed , but the way he almost spit out the words ' Boy Scout ' reminded me that he thought guys who acted like Boy Scouts were strange . I never thought of myself as a Boy Scout ; I just did what I was taught . I tried to be nice to other people and to always to do the right thing . But I understood why Butch felt the way that he did : most of his friends were from town and liked to party a lot , so I 'm sure they felt the same way about guys who acted like Boy Scouts . I laughed and shook my head " I 'm no Boy Scout . " I hesitated . " I was a cub scout , though , but I only went to one meeting . " I shrugged . " Six , maybe seven ; I 'm not sure . I knew who you were because I used to see you over at Curtis 's house . " Curtis was about the same age as Butch , but I knew him because he lived across the street from me when I lived in town . Actually , I already knew Butch 's name before I 'd ever met him . The street I lived on was a downhill slope to a dead end , and some of the older kids in the neighborhood like to ride their bikes down it . Butch was one of those ' big kids ' ; he 'd changed the front end of his bike to the tire extended out like a chopper . And he was probably the best one at skidding to a stop at the end of the street and throwing loose gravel into the empty lot . Everybody in the neighborhood knew who Butch Jordon was . " He does have a handgun , Roland . He showed it to me once , but he wouldn 't let me hold it . He says that kids shouldn 't handle guns . " " I do remember the Cub Scout meetings were every Monday at five , " I said . " But I didn 't think to keep track of what day of the week it was , except for Saturdays , when I watched cartoons , and Sundays , of course , because we had to go to church . I think Mom just didn 't want to have to drive me to the meetings and then pick me up . I don 't think she likes driving at night . " " Probably not , " Butch said . " My mom doesn 't won 't even drive after dark , so Dad takes her to the drive - in and picks her up after she closes it . I guess your mom 's probably the same about driving after dark . " " So Roland , what happened to your girl you were dating - Patty , right ? " Butch asked . " Did you break up with her ? " I 'd taken Patty to a party once and Butch and Pam had met her then . " Gina seems really nice , Roland " he said , " and she 's a lot better looking … " He grinned . " I think she 'd be a great girlfriend for you . " I felt my face flush . I 'd gone to the drive - in theater with a friend from school , Andrea , and her boyfriend . Andrea said that a girlfriend was staying with her for the weekend , and Andrea 's boyfriend wanted to see a movie at the drive - in theater . Andrea didn 't want to leave her friend home alone , and since her friend didn 't have a date , she asked me if I 'd be her friend 's blind date as a favor to her . " Really sweet usually means not very pretty , " I 'd said . Truthfully , though , I liked girls for who they were , inside , rather than for what they looked like . I 'd already learned that beauty really is only skin deep with some girls . They picked me up at the end of the lane in Billy 's pickup truck . Andrea reached over from the center of the seat and pushed open the passenger door , where her girlfriend sat . Some guys might 've thought ' Debbs ' was cute , in a way , but I didn 't . But Andrea had said Debbs was sweet and that would be fine with me . So Debbs wasn 't ' sweet ' at all ; she was arrogant and pretentious . And not all that cute , either . But , I didn 't want to ruin Andrea 's evening , so I climbed up into Billy 's truck , doing my best not to be too close to Debbs . I didn 't like her from the moment we met , and I 'm sure the feeling was mutual . " Nouveau riche , " I replied . " It means ' new money ' ; you know , people who don 't know how to handle First Class . " I only knew that because I 'd heard it in a movie , but I wasn 't going to tell them that . Billy laughed . " Nouveau riche , " he said , " that 's pretty good . " And we both smiled . But Andrea gave me that pleading look again , so I figured it was too late to back out of the ' date ' then . She was going to owe me big for this . " Not poor , Debbs . I said he can 't work anymore . I didn 't say he doesn 't have an income ; it 's just not as much as he 's used to getting . But , we 're not poor . " I could 've told Debbs that my Mom and Dad own several houses that they rent out for extra income . Dad insists that the properties that he and Mom own put us in the ' rich ' category , but I have a hard time believing that . I mean , we have been on vacations to Disney World and rented cottages on the beach . But that was when he was still working . We don 't live like rich people . " He doesn 't like to spend a lot of money just to impress other people . We live in my great - great grandfather 's farmhouse , because that 's where Dad wants to live . " That wasn 't entirely true , but I felt the need to take up for my Dad . " But he collects and restores antique cars for a hobby , " I said . " Ever seen a mint - condition ' 59 Lincoln , or ' 56 Buick ? Dad has both , plus about a dozen other antique cars , most of them luxury models . But he drives a seven year old Dodge and Mom has her ten year old Ford Fairlane . " " He drives the cheaper cars because he isn 't stupid , " I said . " Why would anyone want to drive an antique Lincoln just for running errands ? " I thought about where Debbs lived . " Well , your father might , just to show people that he has money . My Dad couldn 't care less what other people think . " Dad did collect antique cars , and the money he spent on them was always a point of contention between him and Mom . And I loved that black , fin tailed Lincoln ; it reminded me of the Batmobile . He let me start it up about once a month and move it ten feet or so on the driveway , to make sure everything 's still working . I 'd try out all the buttons on it , the power windows and locks , plus the air conditioner ; it seemed like that car has a button for everything ! And all that chrome inside and out was blinding when struck by the sun . I 'd make sure the seat still moved forward and back and that the doors opened and closed . I liked to pretend to be driving , but Dad would never let me take it on the road . He said that 's what his Dodge is for , so sometimes he 'd let me borrow that . I liked the Buick , too . It was a two door model , red with white side panels and chrome air intakes on both front fenders that were just for show ; they don 't do anything . The hood ornament was a chrome jet airplane with swept back wings and the car is huge inside . It wasn 't as fancy as the Lincoln , but it looked sportier . When I was younger , Dad sometimes drove the Buick when we went to visit his mother , who lived about three hours away , and riding in the backseat felt like we were flying up the highway . Mom always complained that he drove too fast , though . Once we got to the drive - in , I planned to sit outside ; there was no way I was going to stay in the truck , pressed up against Debbs . When we got to the drive - in , my friend 's mother was at the window where you paid to get in . I leaned over and smiled so she 'd see me . She smiled and shook her head . " Teenagers , " she said . " Well I expect a visit from you soon , Roland , " she said , then raised the gate and waved us through . " Why did you set me up with her ? " I asked . " She 's kind of cute , but , she 's also kind of a , uh … " " Yes you do , " I said and then smiled to let her know it was alright . " That 's okay , Andrea - I won 't forget ! But as soon as she gets back , I 'm going up to the Snack Shack and get a cold drink . As you saw at the gate , I know the family that owns the drive - in , and the woman 's son is a good friend of mine . He works here . But … I 'm not going to rush to get back . " Billy laughed . " I wouldn 't blame you if you didn 't come back at all , " he said . " But if you 're not here when the movie 's over , I 'll look for you up at the Snack Shack and give you a ride home . " When Debbs got back , I got out . " I 'm going to get something to drink , " I said to Andrea and Billy , ignoring Debbs entirely , and headed for the Snack Shack . As luck would have it , Butch was there , but wasn 't working that night . He was on the customer side of the counter , picking up drinks and fries . " Roland ! Haven 't seen you in a while , " he said . " Yeah , I 'm off tonight , so I brought Pam to see the movie . Are you here on a date ? " I nodded . " A blind date , " I said . " I should 've known better . She 's back at the truck with my friends , but I don 't want to go back there . That girl 's a real , uh , bitch ! " I really wasn 't in the habit of using curse words ; I never heard them at home . " No , it wouldn 't be rude . It 's a blind date , Roland . And if even you say the girl 's a bitch , she must really be bad ! " He shook his head . " I 'd say you don 't owe her anything . Let her friends take her home , but you 're coming with me . " He put his hand on my elbow . " Pam will be thrilled to see you again . " I hesitated , then : " Yeah , you 're probably right . She 's rude , and I don 't owe her anything . She lives up in River 's Bluff and seems to think she 's too good for me . Billy and Andrea brought her , they can take her home . " " River 's Bluff ? That explains it then . " Butch smiled . " Let 's go , " he said , " I parked near the back , where it isn 't so crowded . " I looked at the row after row of cars and wondered just how many people there were actually watching the movie . It was ' The Night of The Living Dead ' ; not the kind of movie I 'd ever pay to see . I wasn 't a fan of gore , and so far , this was probably the worst film I 'd ever seen . I picked up my drink and followed behind Butch . It was a good thing that the movie screen was behind us ; it lit the gravel enough for me to see where to walk . Since the ground was angled up in a small ramp at each row , so the cars would have a better view , it was difficult to see where to step without stumbling . We went between and around cars . In some of them was just a single couple , and not all of them were watching the movie ; other cars had two couples in them and several that were packed with teenagers , since the admission price covered each car , no matter how many people were in it . Some people sat out on the hoods of their cars to get a better view , and fresh air , or to smoke cigarettes . On the hood of one car , several teenagers brazenly passed around a joint . I stopped , turned around , and saw her looking out the front window of the car full of girls and a big smile came to my face . " Gina ! " I 'd been in the same advanced biology class with Gina in the 9th grade ; the students were partners , two to a table , and she 'd sat at the table right behind mine . " I wasn 't sure it was you , from the back , " she said then approached and gave me a hug . Gina had been gorgeous , back in ninth grade , and she was still beautiful , and had filled out in all the right places . I wasn 't expecting that warm hug , but I put my arms around her , hands in the small of her back , hugged her tightly and lifted her off her feet . I had an urge to spin her around then set her down , but I stopped myself . I didn 't know Gina well enough to do something that personal ; I think that mostly I was just relieved to get away from Debbs , and to see a friendly face . The other girls in the car Gina had been in were watching and I felt a little embarrassed so I stepped back , but I couldn 't stop my smile . " It 's been a long time , Gina , and I couldn 't help myself ; that just felt like the right thing to do . I 'm sorry if I was out of line with that hug . " " Did you hear me complain ? " She asked looking up into my eyes . " I was just surprised , that 's all . You never even asked me out when we were in class together , " she said , pretending to pout . " But I liked that hug you just gave me , Roland ; it was really sweet , and actually , I 'm glad I ran into you . " I was relieved , then , and relaxed a little ; resisting my first impulse , to literally sweep her off the ground and spin her around , had been the right decision . Of course , giving in to my first impulse might 've been right , too , but I 'd never know . " Umm , I was , " I replied as I looked at the ground in front of my feet . " A blind date , and I regret ever agreeing to it ; that 's why I left her back near the front with her friends who brought us and I 'm not going back . " I hoped Gina wouldn 't think that was too callous of me ; I mean , a date is a date and I 'd agreed to it . But I comforted myself with the thought that Andrea had misled me about the girl she 'd set me up with . " That bad , huh ? I hate blind dates , " Gina said . " I don 't do blind - dates . I know the kind of guy I like and I don 't need anyone else deciding who would be ' perfect ' for me . " Now I knew she hadn 't judged me as unreliable , rude , or inconsiderate . " Going on a blind date was my mistake , " I said . " But it won 't happen again . So … " I wasn 't sure if I should ask , but I had to , " are you here with someone ? On a date , I mean . " I looked toward her car and only saw girls , but if Gina had a date with her , he could be gone for drinks or something . " Not a chance . I 'm done with blind dates , " I replied , then - " Gina , this is my friend , Butch , " and he nodded to Gina , " and his girlfriend is in the car . Do you want to come and sit with me - us , if your friends don 't mind ? " She hesitated , and for a moment I thought I was going to be turned down , right in front of Butch . And I was sure there were many other people at the drive - in who 'd recognize me , too . Then she smiled . " Wait here a minute , " she said and walked back over to the car . The girls she was with were looking at me and I heard one of them giggle , and then handed Gina her purse , and she walked back toward me . " Lead the way , " she said with a broad smile and took hold of my hand . Butch looked at me and winked , then we followed him the rest of the way . When we got to his car , I introduced Gina to Pam and then we got into the backseat . After we were in and I closed the door , I put my arm around her shoulder ; I halfway suspected she might pull away , but she didn 't . " I had such a crush on you , " Gina said , loud enough for Butch and Pam to hear . She was looking up at my face and I blushed a little . I was surprised at that , but thrilled , too . Gina 's smile was somehow shy and self - confident at the same time and it went straight to my heart . " Yes , I did , " she said . " Every girl in class did , Roland ; you were the cutest guy in the class and you made us laugh so much that advanced biology was actually fun . Girls like a guy who can make them laugh . Especially when he 's a cute , friendly guy , " she said with a sweet smile . " Gina , including me , there were only seven guys in that class , " I said . " So being the cutest guy in a group of seven nerds isn 't saying much . " I smiled as I said that , so she 'd know I was just kidding . " Roland , I thought you were one of the best looking guys in school , " she said . " And I still do . In fact , I think you 're the best looking guy there . " She pressed her body even closer to mine and I had to start doing some quick math calculations in my head to keep the feelings of lust in the background . " Ah , it would 've mattered to me , Gina . I didn 't have a girlfriend ; that girl , Patty , wanted to be my girlfriend but I wasn 't interested . I tried to be nice to her , though ; I don 't like to hurt anyone 's feelings . " " Like I said , I was just trying to be nice ; but you were the prettiest girl I knew . " I smiled , feeling a bit self - conscious . " I had a huge crush on you , Gina . I just didn 't think you would be interested in me . " " I was so stupid ! " I said . " I had a crush on the prettiest girl in school and she had a crush on me ! " I shook my head . " Guess I missed my chance . " " What makes you think that you missed your chance , Roland ? " she asked . " Everyone deserves a second chance . I had a crush on you then , but I thought you were taken . " She looked into my eyes again . " And you really aren 't dating anyone now ? Other than that blind date you just dumped ? " ' Dumped ' sounded like a harsh word , but I nodded agreement . " Good , " she said with a smile and tilted her head up toward me . " Because I still have a crush on you . " The car was dark , except for the changing shadows of light from the distant movie screen , since Butch had parked near the rear , but flickering light from the movie flashed from Gina 's dark eyes as she looked into mine . Her warm body was pressed against me and it just felt so right . I looked into her dark , beautiful eyes and she 'd lifted her face toward mine , so I leaned in to kiss her . Her full , warm lips welcomed mine and I put my other arm around her and slid my hand over her stomach , then up her side to her wonderful breast . I couldn 't believe how good her body felt . But since Butch and Pam were in the front seat , I knew I couldn 't go as far as I wanted ; that would have to wait until we were alone . I wasn 't usually openly affectionate in front of other people , and I didn 't think it would be fair to Gina to push too much . She 'd just met Butch and Pam , not ten minutes earlier , and I thought it would be foolish to put her in the position of having to refuse my advances . Besides , I felt certain by then that if we were alone , she wouldn 't be reticent about some hot and heavy making out , though . But for the time being , a long , passionate kiss seemed safe enough , and after that first kiss , we didn 't , as Butch said , watch much of the movie . After the movie was over , we went to a pizza place for a while , but didn 't stay long because Pam had a curfew . Butch drove Pam home and walked her to the door . Gina and I waited while they said goodnight and it seemed to take at least ten minutes , so rather than waste the time we kissed some more and when I slid my hand near her breast , she placed my hand right on it . After a minute or two , I reached up under her blouse just to feel the heat from her smooth skin . When Butch got back to the car , Gina straightened her blouse before he got in and we gave her a ride home . I walked her to the door and we kissed goodnight , a long , passionate kiss with my hands running up and down her back , through her hair and over her shoulders , completely outside of her clothes , and I held her warm , wonderful body close to mine . I didn 't want to stop and clearly neither did Gina , but then a light came on inside the house . " That 's my father , " Gina said . " I better get inside before he opens the door . " She quickly tucked a folded paper napkin from the pizza place into the rear pocket of my jeans , gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and then went inside . Walking back to the car , I took the napkin from my pocket , unfolded it and found she 'd written her name , phone number , and below that " Call me … " my heart almost skipped a beat . The girl I 'd had a crush two years earlier had , and still has , a crush on me too ! And I never would 've guessed . I was so happy that I felt like was walking on air when I got back to the car . " What do you mean ? " I asked . At first , I thought it might be because I was an Honors student every year , and I made that look easy , but that was only because I loved to read . So , my grades couldn 't be it ; Butch had already graduated high school and I 'm sure couldn 't have cared less about me making Honor Roll . Then , I knew a lot of people , probably more than Butch , but that was because I made a real effort to be friendly with everyone I met . " I mean - like tonight , " he said . " You go out on a blind date that turns out to be a big mistake , then you leave with a girl that looks like Gina ! And it turns out that she 'd had a crush on you and you didn 't even realize it . " He smiled . " I didn 't know you had it in you . " Butch sounded truly surprised , and I resented it a little that he didn 't think I was good enough to go out with the really pretty girls . " Yeah , I know , " I said . " I guess I 'm just lucky . Gina is really pretty , isn 't she ? " I said and smiled . " But most of the guys at school think Linda Wells is the prettiest girl in our high school . I don 't , but most of the guys do . " " But , she 's kind of an air head , too , " I said . " Gina 's more my type , and she just happens to be really good looking , too . " I hesitated a moment . " Sexy , too , " I added and Butch laughed at me , but it was a laugh of admiration . I suppressed a blush . " Come on , Butch , " I said . " Everybody knows that Pam 's the prettiest girl in her high school , and she goes out with you ! " I saw in Butch 's face that I might 've hurt his feelings , so I laughed to let him know I wasn 't being serious . But I did know a whole lot of people in town , especially in the neighborhoods around where I 'd lived . Butch was one of my childhood friends whom I had kept up with , and I 'd met quite a few people through him . I had a few other friends besides Butch , but I still saw him more than anyone else in town . If anything , I was jealous of Butch . He was big into sports , had played baseball on the school team and had that all - American , boy - next - door but - maybe - a - little - dangerous look . He was held back a year in grade school , so he was a nineteen year old senior when he graduated and could date any girl he wanted . But I was more the nerd - type : smart ( at least that 's what they 'd always told me in school ) , okay in sports but nothing special , always made Honor Role but I 'd usually rather spend an afternoon reading than go up to Butch 's house to play softball with his friends , most of whom I didn 't know very well . I was shy , I knew that , but guys like Butch intimidated me ; I didn 't play on any sports team , or go boating and water skiing at the lake every summer and hang out with the cool kids , the clique that cheerleaders followed around . I knew I couldn 't just ask out any girl I wanted without risking the embarrassment of being turned down . And I really had a fear of being turned down ; I 'd usually felt like it was a flaw on my part . I was that nice guy , the kind who everyone wants to sign your yearbook , but instead of girls writing ' Will miss you over the summer ' with a little heart beside it and their phone number below ( as a lot of my friends got ) , but both the girls and guys would write something like : " A friend that can be trusted " , " To the most trustworthy friend I have " , or " Always stay just the way you are " . I mean , that was nice and all , but nothing to make me think any of the girls would want to be more than just good friends . Maybe that 's what he meant : it was almost as though I had some guardian angel , or something , watching over me , keeping me from screwing up everything . I 'd never really thought about it before , but I guess that is pretty lucky . Up until that point , I 'd only had three ' girlfriends ' : Elise , Linda , and Patty . Elise , from 7th grade Art class - she was cute , pretty , in her own way , and sweet , but also a little quirky , the way some artsy types can be . Then Linda , ( not Linda Wells ) who was in my 8th grade homeroom ; she had long , straight , silky blond hair and blue eyes that sparkled like star sapphires . I fell for her based on her admittedly stunning beauty , but soon realized she knew just how pretty she was , and acted as though she was used to it , even felt entitled to get her way in everything and that was a little too controlling for my tastes . Then , there was Patty , in ninth grade , the girl Gina had thought was my girlfriend . I shouldn 't really count Patty , though , because that relationship was more in her imagination than in reality . With her , it had started when she 'd show up at my locker between classes ' just to say hi ' and in around the second month of school , she 'd invited me to visit her at home . So I accepted the invitation and had the pleasure of meeting her parents over the course of an excellent dinner . Her mother and father were very nice people , a little old , I thought , to be Patty 's parents . They both had a strong accent , what Dad would call Bohemian , though I didn 't know what that meant . Despite the accent , they were down to earth people , extra friendly and quick to laugh ; I admit I had a great time . But when I left , I got the distinct impression they expected to see me again . They appeared almost relieved to think that Patty had a boyfriend ! I thought it possible that because they were old , they wanted Patty to have someone when they were no longer around . I also thought it was more likely that I 'd misread them entirely . But , rather than take the chance that Patty might get the wrong idea , and have her feelings hurt later , I told her I liked her , a lot , but I didn 't want to " go steady " with anyone right now . I would 've felt responsible if I 'd let it go on and then really hurt her feelings . Patty was still hurt , I could tell , though not as much as she would 've been otherwise . I think . " So , how long 's it been since you last saw Gina ? " Butch asked . " Did she say it was in the 9th grade when she had a crush on you ? " " Yes , we were in freshman year . Almost two years ago . I watched for her in the hallways last year , but the new high school is huge and I never saw her . " " I guess so , " I said . " I certainly didn 't forget her ! We were in the same advanced bio class that year , and I thought then that she was the prettiest girl I 'd ever met . Butch , Gina could 've dated any guy in school if she wanted . And with all those jocks around , I figured she wouldn 't give me a second look . " " I 'm surprised she 'd pick you , too , " Butch said with a laugh . " But now you know she liked you in school , and judging by tonight , she likes you even more now . " He looked at me in disbelief . " And you didn 't even know , man ! She had to tell you herself ! " Butch laughed . " Pretty ? Roland - Gina 's got to be one of the best looking girls in your school and all you say is she 's pretty ! " Butch was right ; saying Gina was just " pretty " was an understatement . She had a vaguely Mediterranean look , Italian , I think , with dark , beautiful , eyes and smooth , olive skin . Her long , silky hair , the color of the baker 's chocolate my Mom cooks with , cascaded over her well - shaped shoulders and onto her adult - woman 's breasts . And voluptuous was the perfect word for a body that had filled out in all the right places . I thought she was beautiful the first time I laid eyes on her , and , for me at least , still the best looking girl in school . If I hadn 't taken that class , I might never have met Gina . I guess it was another one of those times Butch talked about , where things just seemed to work out for me despite what I do . I hadn 't originally signed up for advanced bio ; I was in the second year French class when school started , but nearly thirty students had signed up for it , so at least seven of us had to switch to a different elective . I knew I could take French the following year , but my father insisted I only take the advanced classes so that limited my choices . I 'd always liked science and so I thought I 'd take Physics , since I knew the math in first year Physics wouldn 't be anything I couldn 't handle , but all that was still available was advanced biology . The whole scheduling problem turned out to be a lucky break and it was still paying off , almost two years later . I was the smartest guy in that class , and I knew from experience that a lot of times other guys don 't like a smart kid who might make them look worse , especially when a teacher graded on a curve . So I 'd gotten in the habit of being funny , since everyone likes to laugh . Our teacher in that class , Mrs . Braxton , was fairly young and liked the fact that I took the course work seriously , instead of it being only the girls who did well . And since I treated the work as important and usually , well , almost always , knew the answers when she asked the class a question , Mrs . Braxton let me get away with joking around a little , before I gave her the answer . I made a point of including her when I was kidding around , just as if she was one of us , the students . I think she appreciated that . The main reason I did well in all my classes , except math , was that , beginning in 5th grade , I read all of my textbooks in the first two weeks every year , so I didn 't have to study as hard the rest of the semester to make good grades . I 'd picked up my love of reading from my Dad : he subscribed to two newspapers , several trade journal and magazines , plus bought a copy of Popular Science several times a year . I 'd read our entire set of encyclopedias by time I was twelve ( but , to be honest , I 'd skipped the few articles that didn 't appeal to me ) . Then I convinced Mom to but my . 99 cent paperbacks at the grocery store once in a while . I even read everything on the cereal box at breakfast ! The only classes I had problems with was mathematics ; even though I 'd read the text books , I still needed help to even get a " B " . And if I 'd gotten more than one ' B ' in a semester , I wouldn 't make Honor Roll . That was one of the few things Dad actually praised me for . " We did watch the movie , Roland . I told you I 'd fill you in on what happened . But I couldn 't resist a quick glance now and then , " he said . " But you 're right , it 's getting late and I told Pam I 'd stop back by on my way home . I guess I should get going , before it 's too late and I have to see her Dad . " " Definitely , " I said . " Probably on Monday ; I don 't want to look too desperate , " I said and laughed . " Then again , maybe I 'll call her tomorrow afternoon . I 'd hate to wait too long , you know . " " Yeah , " he said . " A good looking girl like Gina probably has guys after her all the time . And you thought you 'd missed your chance once already ; don 't make the same mistake again . " " Yeah , I know . I 'm not going to let that happen , " I said with a smile . Butch started the car and pulled out onto the road . I stood there until the tail lights were out of sight , then turned and started toward the house . With no moon , only starlight lit the way , so I had to watch my step and miss the hard ridges of dried mud and the potholes left by cars and pickup trucks driving down the lane when it was wet . About halfway down the lane , there was an old wood post on each side , so I stopped and leaned back against one of them . The muggy heat of the day had dissipated and lent the cooler night air a clarity that 's only seen far from city lights . I looked up at the stars , so numerous against the sky they were almost overwhelming , and I traced out some of the constellations I recognized . When I was ten years old , my Dad had bought me a six - inch reflector telescope for Christmas , and I 'd spent a lot of nights finding the planets and looking closely at the moon ; learning the constellations and the names of some of the stars just came along with that . I no longer had the telescope , but still knew most of the stars and constellations , and I could recognize the planets when one was in the sky . The brightest star , almost directly overhead , was Vega , in the constellation called the Lyre , which was something like a harp . It was right on the edge of where the Milky Way meandered across the sky . I knew how to trace the Milky Way north to the constellation Cassiopeia , the beautiful queen of Greek mythology , and I pictured Gina , reclining on the goddess 's royal sofa , draped in a satiny gown . That was how I felt about Gina that evening . It had just been so nice with her warm body pressed against mine , her beautifully formed breasts … Just then I heard the woman / baby - crying , growling sound of a bobcat , calling from back toward the swamp , and I knew that cat must 've found a mate . Lucky cat . That shook me from my daydreaming and reminded that I was just standing in the dark , so I double checked my pocket where I 'd put Gina 's number , then walked the rest of the way to the house . I was infatuated with Gina , and just thinking about her smile and unbelievably wonderful body almost made me want to skip ; something I hadn 't done since I was a child . I felt silly , but in a good way , a way I 'd never felt before , and couldn 't wait for the next day to come so that I could call Gina , see her beautiful face again . I looked across the field to the tree line that was black against the sky and noticed the fog beginning to roll from the woods out over the field . Until I moved to the farm I 'd never seen fog like that : it was a band about five feet high and too thick to see through but floated about two feet above the ground , and you could bend low and look underneath it all the way to the woods . Bobcats and the fog , I thought ; maybe the Indians were onto something . As I finished the walk home , fighting the urge to kick up my heels , or do something else stupid , I thought about what Butch had said : that I was lucky , that things just seem to come to me , or work out for the best , without me even trying . Obviously , I couldn 't complain to Andrea for setting me up with ' Debbs ' because if I hadn 't gone on that blind date with that pretentious snob of a girl , I wouldn 't have run into Gina . Andrea didn 't owe me for that favor at all ; if anything , I owed her . That was clearly just one more time when what I 'd thought was a big disappointment was actually what I 'd needed , after all . I realized then that Butch might be right : I had been lucky , I was lucky and things always did seem to work out for me . Especially when I wasn 't trying to force anything , but just accepted what whatever the day brought . I decided then that rather than let my lust control what I do ( and with Gina , I knew there was a lot of lust involved ) , I 'd wait until Monday to call her . I felt like calling Gina the very next day might be a bad idea , like I was pushing for something to happen before its time . And it probably wouldn 't be smart of me to try to force things , since if I just let what happens happen , I 'd be happier with whatever came my way on its own . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Was the pursuit worth it ? The saying " Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all , " sums it up for me . I 've begun to wonder , however , if love and romance can exist or last , in today 's world in which we live our lives through the internet . Here we can find everything with a click , including potential soul - mates . Several of my friends have tried the dating sites , and a couple of them did end up getting married . Most , however , go on endless dates and never hear back from the men who they think " have potential . " And when they do go on more than one date , sex is expected right away and if they " give in , " the guy says , " I 'll call you " and never does . He 's not that in to you , as they say . I watched a movie on TV last night , called " The Mother . " A woman 's husband dies after many years of marriage . She goes to visit her daughter and ends up having sex with the daughter 's married boyfriend , who is much younger than she is . She enjoys the sex , but knows that this will not lead to a long term relationship . Then at the coaxing of her friends , she goes out with a man her own age , and they end up in bed that very night . The scene is enough to cure anyone of the desire to have " instant gratification sex . " It is a completely repulsive scene in which the only satisfied person is the man . I believe that whether you are young , middle aged or old , everyone wants to find love . In today 's society , love and sex seem to be considered synonymous . It is my belief that they are not . In order to have great sex , you must first fall in love through a romance , in which you get to know each other 's dreams , desires , goals , likes , dislikes and when you have fallen in love , sex can be wonderful because you love the person 's soul , not only their body . After my divorce from Danny , I waited eleven years before I got married again . I was finally happy and content . I had dated several men , but never was willing to make a commitment to marry . I had not been awarded tenure at the university where I had been teaching Portuguese because I didn 't have a Doctorate , so I moved on , and did some modeling and voice - overs for TV and radio along with continuing with my singing . I joined the Tall Texans of Dallas Club and became Miss Tall Dallas and was 1st runner - up for Miss Tall International . I was sixteen years older than the winner who stood 6 feet tall . I was only 5 ' 11 " . It was a fun year because I got to make TV appearances , do radio interviews and travel representing our Dallas Club . I also became a flight attendant for a major airline , flying the Dallas - Rio de Janeiro route . After a year the route was discontinued due to cultural and political issues at the time . Being a flight attendant was tough , but I enjoyed our lay - overs in Rio where I had grown up . Then I met a Brazilian man named Ivo , in Dallas . Since my upbringing was in Brazil , it seemed like he could be my " soul mate . " It made sense , our outlook on life was Brazilian and we only spoke Portuguese together . Plus , the attraction and feeling of excitement were instant . He was 6 ' 4 ″ tall , a great dancer and very good looking . When we danced the samba and other Brazilian dances , the floor would clear and we became the show . His parents lived in Brazil , up north in Recife . We got married before I met them . So , a few months later , we flew to Recife so I could meet them , his bother and sisters . I had never been " up north " and did not realize how hot it was and there was no air conditioning , so inside , it could be very hot and muggy . The beaches were beautiful , however , and I had a great time getting to know this exciting city . We were there during Carnival and danced all night , three nights in a row , at the private club where my husband 's father was Manager . He also attacked a man in a Club , who dared to ask if I was " Xuxa , " a blond Brazilian star … a lot of people thought that I was in fact , her . This made me the center of attention when we went out , and Ivo worried about my safety . He and his brother were policemen , so they carried their guns to protect me . I was walking on eggs , trying not to make Ivo mad . If he thought that I had looked in the direction of another man , he would sulk for hours . This made the trip extremely unpleasant . Ivo was working non - stop , to be able to send an enormous amount of money to his mother , after his father died . True to Brazilian customs , the oldest son steps in to take care of the mother . Even though we were in the U . S . and she was in Brazil , our lives revolved around her . About a year and a half later , I decided that I could no longer live this way . After Ivo left for work , I put all his belongings in bags and left them at the front door with a note , saying : " Isto não está funcionando , " translation , " This is not working . " I knew that this decision would be permanent , and that Ivo would never forgive me . It would injure his male pride , but , my American side had taken over . This finally ended my desire to ever get married again or find my soul - mate . I was making the wrong choices in men , and there seemed to be something about me that brought out the worst in them . Recently I retired and moved to a great city , where my Dad , sister and niece live . I bought a beautiful Townhome with views of the mountains and gorgeous sunsets . I have not dated at all and have found a peace within myself that can only be fulfilled by a deep trust in God . To quote a famous hymn , " It is well , it is well with my soul . " Danny was my great love . The night we met , I was at a Club in Dallas where a Latin group , The Paranas , was playing . I would go there often and this night they invited me up on the stage to sing with them . During one of the breaks an incredibly handsome man came to my table and asked if he could join me . I knew from that instant that sparks were going to fly … and boy did they ! The chemistry was instant and I fell in love with him right then and there . He was a singer also and had an interesting background . He had almost made it big in Hollywood , and had performed as a weekly guest singer on the Arthur Godfrey Show . Danny was 13 years older than me , and at the time of this show I was 7 years old and my family was moving to Brazil . I never did see the show , but I imagine that I would have had a big crush on him . From the pictures I 've seen , he was " to die for ! " He was an up and coming star , and was friends with Charlton Heston , Tony Bennett and many other stars of that era who were just starting out . Just as " his star " was rising in Hollywood , he became ill with walking pneumonia , and had to move away to a dry climate to recover . He lost his singing voice for several years along with his chance to become a big singing sensation . His father had immigrated from Italy , and Danny had grown up in Chicago , where he had been a star basketball player in High School . His real name was Davy Matz . He didn 't go to college , instead went to Hollywood when his " voice " was discovered . His name was changed to Danny Martell . He had been described as a mix between Al Martino and Frank Sinatra . Once his chance at stardom had evaporated , he began selling encyclopedias door to door and eventually became one of the top Executives at Encyclopedia Britannica . He had been living and working in California and had recently moved to Dallas to become a Division Manager . Back to the night club in Dallas . After the show , Danny walked me to my car , and strangely , his car was parked right next to mine . It was a black Cadillac Seville and inside was a German Sheppard named Coby . I have always been an animal lover , and knew that a guy who took his dog with him when he went out to a Club , would qualify as a very nice guy . The next night we had dinner together and our love affair began . I was still teaching at the university in Arlington , about 30 miles from Dallas , but at that time I was living in an apartment in Dallas . It was during the time that I was having to move constantly because of my ex - husband 's stalking . Danny lived in Highland Park , Dallas , in a home that he was renting . I told him about my situation and he became very protective of me and wanted me to stay with him so I would be safe . It was soon after this that Rich died , and Danny went with me to the strange funeral service on Halloween night . With the burden of fear lifted from me , we had a wonderful time together , going to shows , out to romantic dinners , meeting with friends , travelling , it was a magic time . We would also sing together for our friends and in Clubs . One of our favorite songs was " If you go away . " Danny had been married for about three years in California and had divorced before moving to Dallas . He had a son who was one year old who lived with his ex - wife in California . I soon found out that Danny was obsessed with getting custody of his baby son . He wanted him to come live with us . Danny travelled back and forth to California a lot to see his son and to deal with legal matters . He would be extremely depressed each time he returned from his trips and sometimes wouldn 't talk to me for a couple of days , and I would stay at my place . He was afraid that the mother of his child would get married again and he would lose him . We had been planning to get married and had set the date . I had moved most of my belongings into his house , but still had kept my apartment . After one trip , Danny asked me if it would be OK if Jay came to live with us as soon as we got married . I had just started a new semester at school , and I thought that we should wait a few months until summer , so I wouldn 't be teaching and we could both adjust to having a one year old baby . This was the wrong answer , and the next day Danny called a moving company and had my things moved back to my apartment . Our marriage was off . We did get married , his son came to live with us , but it was not happily ever after . Danny would leave me and Jay alone , sometimes for a week or more , and we would never know where he was . Then he would appear , crying , promising he 'd never leave us again . Then one day he asked for a divorce . He said that his ex - wife had agreed to give him full custody of his son , if he divorced me and then he added : - " He needs me more than you do . " This was the last straw for me and I moved out . It was so hard , especially since Jay and I had grown really close and I loved him as if he were my own . He was a sweet and beautiful child , and I worried about his upbringing . He was always aware when Danny was in one of his moods , and wasn 't talking to me . He 'd say , " Poppa , say hello to Sondra . " Danny would call me Sondra when he was mad at me . The rest of the story is very similar to my other relationships . Once I was gone , he wanted me back , and tried everything , including counseling . The counselor could see that my trust in him was gone , and that I wanted out of the marriage . He eventually did get custody of Jay , and they apparently had a great relationship , until Danny died in 2009 . The son became a famous commentator and writer . He is seen on television all the time . Several years ago , I ran into a woman who had worked with Danny at Encyclopedia Britannica . She said , - " So you were the one married to the famous gambler ! " I didn 't know what she was talking about . She said that he was well known in Las Vegas and Palm Springs . Apparently all the trips that he was taking while we were married were to gamble . He was completely broke when we divorced , but I thought it was from all the legal bills involving custody of Jay . I saw the tribute that Jay put up on You Tube when Danny died . All the pictures made me very sad for what could have been . He remained a very handsome man until the end . Everyone had believed that we were meant to be together and we looked like the perfect couple . I had loved him with all my heart and deep down I still do . " I knew before he spoke , I knew before he was walking across the room … I knew something was happening . - Diane recalled in an interview . Nichols and Sawyer married on Martha 's Vineyard on April 29 , 1988 - and ever after were one of New York 's reigning power couples , as well as most private , even to one another , it seems . " I think one of the romantic things is simply the way he reaches for my hand all the time . We rarely fight , and I remember once when we were arguing he stopped in the middle of it and said , ' Well , this is sort of fun , too . ' And it was ! " - said Diane . About Diane , Nichols explained , " She is the kindest , smartest , most beautiful woman I 've known . I love her entirely . " Sawyer once summed up her husband to PEOPLE : " He 's generous and adventurous and a little wild and utterly kind . It 's that combination of something you 're completely sure of and something dangerous and interesting . And he 's also the funniest man on the face of the earth . " After Rich 's death I felt very sad and even guilty . I kept having memories of a day when Rich and I had gone out to the lake and I had decided to go in the water for a swim . After a few minutes , I realized that the boat was pretty far away , and I called to Rich to bring the boat around so that I could get out of the water . I was starting to feel cold . Rich began speeding towards me and I thought that he was going to run over me . He would swerve at the last moment and I would get drenched from the waves the boat would create . He did this several times and I was afraid that I was drowning . Finally he let me on the boat and said I looked like a drowned rat . I screamed at him , " I hope you drown in this lake someday . " That was the lake in which he drowned several years later . I had dreams about this event many times . It was if I was drowning in memories . I also wondered what had actually happened . The newspapers said that there was a guy with him on the sailboat who saw him fall overboard . He had tried to throw a life saver to him , but he couldn 't get close enough and had lost control of the boat . He said he saw Rich disappear under the waves . With time these nightmares went away . But I couldn 't help but think that I had somehow predicted his death . Rich had two step brothers who inherited all of his wealth . He also had a half sister , whom he hated , who got nothing and started an investigation into Rich 's will . One day I got a phone call from a lawyer , who asked if I was Rich 's ex - wife . I confirmed that I was , and he said that Rich had left me $ 20 , 000 . On his life insurance policy he had not changed the beneficiary form from me to his half brothers , and the money had been paid to them in error . Little did I know , flying back from Paris , that I was about to enter the worst time of my life . After I arrived in Dallas , Rich and I went to lunch . He poured his heart out and said that we should get married right away . My leaving had made him think about the fact that he almost lost me and he never wanted that to happen again . He said that his jealousy and temper had been because he could never be sure that I belonged to him . Marriage would change that because he would no longer be insecure about our love . My mother was not happy about this plan and wanted us to wait . She knew that I wasn 't completely over Steve . I had received a post card from Switzerland from Suzy . She and Steve were spending a week there in the mountains , skiing . At the end of the card , Steve signed his name and said " hello . " I cried for hours - that was supposed to have been my honeymoon . I wondered if I had made a horrible mistake by leaving Steve . Rich , however , was on his most charming behavior and I became convinced that I had made the right decision . He bought a beautiful quadruplex as an investment . We would live in one of the apartments and he would lease the others . He put me in charge of decorating and the budget was unlimited . He also bought a boat so that we could go skiing at the lake , which we loved to do when we first met . I gave in and agreed to get married right away . We had a small ceremony at the church where my parents and I were members . I started the decorating project , Rich was painting the outside of the building , and for a few weeks we were extremely happy . One day I was helping him paint the banisters on the porch upstairs and suddenly he started screaming at me saying that I couldn 't do anything right . The criticisms began again , and his mood swings got really bad . I never knew when he would blow up . I became very afraid of him . One night when he was supposedly away on a trip , I woke up and there was the shadow of a man standing over the bed . I was terrified ! Rich had returned , thinking that he would catch me in bed with someone . I didn 't want to tell my mother , her cancer had come back , and she was dying . I had to sneak visits with her when Rich was on trips for his job . My father and I had never been close and I had no one to help me . Mom died on the 23rd of February . My life took a downward spin , I didn 't care what happened anymore and I started drinking with Rich . This seemed to make him happy . One of his criticisms was that I didn 't drink and that I was " no fun . " The alcohol made my life bearable , I thought . It also kept me from feeling the pain of losing my beloved mother and friend . However , I started having black - outs and would wake up in the morning with bruises , and one time when I was having a doctor 's check up , she asked me if I had been raped . I finally came out of the daze and decided to enroll at the University to get my teacher 's certificate . I had a Master 's but to teach in High School the certificate was needed . I taught in High School for two years when Walton and I were married but with an emergency certificate . I had never completed all the courses needed . This decision changed the course of my life because I was no longer held captive by Rich . One of my teachers could sense that something was terribly wrong , and I was able to tell him about my predicament . He recommended that I see Jerry , a friend of his who was a counselor . Rich did not like this idea and would not go with me . One day during a counseling session Rich crashed the session , and told my counselor that he needed to fix this Brazilian wife of his . He sat there and told Jerry about everything that was wrong with me . Jerry tried to reason with him . He then started yelling and accused us of having an affair . Jerry had already figured out that Rich was dangerous but this encounter confirmed his belief . He told me that I needed to find a way to leave my husband . I didn 't know how to accomplish this and didn 't want a second divorce . I blamed myself for not being able to make Rich happy . What was wrong with me ? Why was I always walking on eggs trying to please him and failing ? Jerry tried to help me figure out what my problem was . He said that due to my upbringing in Brazil , with my parents as missionaries , I had the desire to help others . Instead of picking the " prince " to marry , I was choosing the " frog " and trying turn him into the prince through my love . While I was taking classes for my teacher 's certificate , I found out that Portuguese was taught at the University , but had very few students . I had started a successful program at the University where I earned my Masters in Portuguese and Spanish . I set up an interview with the Chair of the Language Department and told him about my experience at the former University . I asked him to give me a one year appointment so I could prove that I could get students into the program . He did , and I delivered on my promise . A year later I was offered a full - time position teaching Portuguese and Spanish . I was in love with my job and Rich had bought another property , this time a duplex and we moved into one of the two units . It was really beautiful . Rich was travelling a lot now so at least during those times I got a break from his temper . I made friends with another teacher , Kent , who was engaged to a girl in Brazil . When Rich was out of town , we would spend a lot of time together . We were just friends but I needed a close friend who would watch after me . One night , Rich was gone on a trip , and I was recovering from a tonsillectomy . Kent was worried about my being alone at the new place and said that he would call that evening . Suddenly around 7 p . m . the door flew open and Rich was standing there . I knew Kent was going to call , so when Rich went out to walk the dog , I picked up the phone to call Kent and tell him my husband was home . Rich saw me through the window and stormed in . I instinctively hung up the phone which made me look guilty . I thought Rich was going to kill me he was in such a rage . Thankfully he called my father and told him to come and pick up his " whore of a daughter . " Dad told him not to lay a finger on me and that he would be right over . That was the end of the marriage . Dad insisted that I file for a divorce and two months later it was over . I left with only my belongings and the divorce was simple . However I was not rid of Rich . The stalking began and I had to move each time that he would find me . Dad and I knew where to put each box in the car and get out fast . I believed that one day Rich would kill me . Then I heard the news that Rich had gone sailing in rough waters and fallen off the boat . There was a search going on for his body . Amazingly , a week later a friend of mine was out on the lake with her boyfriend and they saw a body floating in the water . It turned out to be Rich . A service with a closed coffin was held on Halloween night . There were only a couple of people there , and I had the feeling that Rich was going to appear , laughing at us , and that they had found the wrong body . It was a very strange and eerie night which I will never forget . When we landed in Paris , it took forever to get through customs , and it was about two hours before I finally saw Steve . I was shocked at first glance . It had been several years since I had seen him , and my memory of him didn 't exactly coincide with the man standing there . He was very excited to see me , and the initial disappointment dissipated quickly as we reminisced about our times together on our way to his apartment . I had to pinch myself , I was in Paris and couldn 't wait to see this " city of love . " It was rainy and cold . The traffic was terrible , everybody was honking angrily and you could barely see two feet in front of you due to the thick fog . We sipped coffee , ate some delicious pastries and talked for several hours . Then he had to go to the office . He said he would be back around 7 p . m . and we would go out for dinner . It was about 9 p . m . by the time we got to the restaurant . Steve ordered pigs feet for both of us , a delicacy , he said . The portions were very small and there was no meat on the pig 's feet . Steve said that you had to suck on them to get the juices and the meat off the bone . I was starving when we left the restaurant . During my three months in Paris , there was no such thing as a sunny day . I spent the days sightseeing alone while Steve worked . I spent a whole day at La Louvre . It was breathtaking and I saw the " Mona Lisa ! " One day a funny thing happened . I got off of the Metro in an area that looked rather interesting . I was in my faux fur coat and had high boots on . An oriental man started following me and saying : " We be friends ? " I would look at him and smile … but couldn 't understand the rest of what he was saying . When I got back to the Metro , I was told that I had been in the " Red Light District . " At night Steve and I went to UNESCO functions , to the symphony , opera , out to dinner and shows . I signed up for French lessons at La Sorbonne . Because of my Portuguese and Spanish , I was picking French up pretty easily . Steve introduced me to a girl named Suzy , and she was along many times when we would go out . Also , she and I spent time together and I became aware that she and Steve had been more than " just friends " and that she was still very much in love with him . Steve kept postponing our marriage , and Rich had started writing to me . He had gotten my address from my parents . They took pity on him when he went to them , literally crying , and apologized for the way he had treated me . His letters were very sweet and loving and he seemed like the man that I had fallen in love with . I broke the news to Steve that I would be going home to Texas . This was the only time that I had ever seen him show emotion . In tears he said , " Darrling , I was about to propose . " I didn 't believe him , and knew that Suzy would be there to console him . Suzy went with us to the airport . So , I waved goodbye to them and the city of love . Over the years I saw Steve a couple more times . He had not married and had returned to St . Louis to resume his teaching position . He also published many books on Law and Sociology . I was once crazy in love with him and wanted us to be married . Unfortunately that magic moment passed us by . Who knows how it could have been ? Steve claimed that he had always loved me and regretted that we had not gotten married in Paris . He told me once that he had waited at the airport for two hours , thinking that I would walk through the gates back into his arms , never having boarded the plane . Recently I saw online that he had died of lung cancer . This was a man whom I had loved deeply and the news was very sad . The memories will always be with me of the great relationship that we had for a time . After my divorce from Walton , Steve , from the blog " My first romance , " came back into my life . Our romance continued - we went to Operas , the Symphony , had picnics , took short trips with the top down in his beloved Jaguar , went dancing … many romantic adventures . There was one problem with Steve . He was a womanizer and never planned to marry . I finished my Masters , and at that time my parents moved back to the U . S . from Brazil because my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer . They moved to Dallas , for treatment at Baylor Medical . I decided to move to Texas to be with her . Steve got a job with UNESCO in Paris . He said he would write , but I didn 't expect to hear from him again . It was extremely painful to lose him , since he was the man of my dreams , so I thought at the time . In Dallas , my sister introduced me to Rich . At the beginning of our courtship things were wonderful . After Steve , it was great to have a man who really loved me and was not interested in dating other women . We spent all our time together from the beginning . Then his devoted love started turning into little criticisms - there was no pleasing him . My mother 's cancer treatment was excruciating with the chemotherapy , she had a double mastectomy … it was the saddest time of my life to see my beautiful mother suffering and withering away . I wanted to spend time with her , but Rich was jealous of my family or friends . I had to limit my time with her to when he was out of town . Then I got a letter from Paris . It was Steve , and he wanted me to move there and asked me to marry him . I couldn 't believe it ! My mother wanted me to get away from Rich , and encouraged me to go , to at least find out if I still loved Steve . I excitedly boarded a plane for Paris and was on pins and needles all the way . I was thrilled that I would see my former love again and he had plans for us to travel through Europe on our honeymoon . This was so romantic … it seemed that all my dreams were coming true . After Albert I didn 't date until my Senior year when I met Walton . He was a popular guy on campus , a Junior , president of the Student Body and one of the top swimmers on the swimming team . He thought I was a Freshman when he asked me out . On our first date he asked how I liked my Freshman class . I told him that I wasn 't a Freshman . He continued … Sophomore ? Junior ? By the time he got to Senior , he could barely breathe . After that he stumbled and fumbled his way through the date and at the end of the date he slammed the car door on his finger . I felt no chemistry between us but decided to give him another chance … and after a few dates I was Walt 's girl and no one else would ask me out . We became good friends and since I was still on the rebound from Albert , it was a relief not to feel any romance between us . I began to think that this was how things were meant to be . I knew that Walton could never hurt me the way Albert had . I didn 't have anyone to discuss this with , my family was in Brazil and unfortunately I had no close friendships with other girls . It was difficult to " fit in " since I was considered the " foreigner . " I was more Brazilian than American due to my upbringing in Brazil . I graduated a year earlier than Walton , and took a job teaching Spanish in High School . Walton wanted to go to Medical School , but didn 't pass the Exams so he enrolled in graduate school to stay out of the draft . At this point , everyone expected us to get married . Walton popped the marriage question and I said " yes . " My mother came back from Brazil for the wedding . The night before , sensing that I was not " in love " with my bridegroom , she tried to convince me that it was not too late to back out of this marriage . I did love Walton and felt sure that he was very much in love with me . This gave me a sense of security knowing that I could never be hurt again . Our honeymoon night was a disaster . I won 't go into details , but there was no romance or sex ! Walton was unable to " perform " and ended up crying in my arms . During this time I met Steve , from my blog " My first Romance " and fell deeply in love with him . Even though he wanted me to leave Walton , I stayed in the marriage because a divorce would be very disappointing to my family . I stopped seeing Steve and decided to try to salvage my four and a half year marriage . There didn 't seem to be any solution for our problems and at this point I had no feelings for Walton , just pity and even disdain . It wasn 't fair to him to go on . He was really a nice guy who I loved like a brother . My first love story was during my sophomore year in college . I had returned from Brazil , where I had spent my youth from the ages of 7 - 18 . I had not been allowed to date since my father was very strict and protective . I was 19 and had never been kissed . I had an enormous crush on a male cheerleader , Daniel , who had grown up in Brazil also . He was a Senior and all the girls had crushes on him . It was clear that he had no interest in this shy Sophomore girl , even though we had known each other in Brazil . I had also known his older brother , Albert , who had already graduated from the same college . Suddenly the dashing Albert appeared on campus to visit his brother , and to meet me . According to him , Daniel had spoken highly of me . The three of us went everywhere together , but a relationship began between me and Albert . He had fallen head over heals for me and was extremely persuasive with his romantic gestures and his KISSES . Wow ! ! ! That summer the three of us travelled to Brazil to visit our families , who still lived there , but in different cities . My romance with Albert continued to grow through romantic love letters and when he came to stay with my family . We became engaged and planned to get married . By the time Albert left to go back to his city , I was deeply hurt . Then one day during the noon meal , a letter came for my sister . She looked at it and ran into her room , excitedly saying it was from Albert . I had not heard from him at all . Of course I broke our engagement . I left to go back to college , devastated . My first and only love was gone from my life . Then I began to receive love letters from Albert . He wrote beautiful letters , apologizing and declaring his love . He wanted to schedule our wedding . I had lost all trust in him and even though I still loved him , I didn 't want to get hurt again . He finally got the message and stopped writing . One day I was walking back to campus from a shopping trip downtown . Daniel was driving by and saw me . He stopped to give me a lift . It was my birthday , and Daniel gave me the news that Albert was getting married on that very day . I still remember the deep depression that took over my entire being . After several marriages and divorces on both of our parts , many years later Albert found me and proposed again saying that he had never stopped loving me . We spent time together and even though I tried to fall back in love , it was too late . I still wonder until this day , how my life would have been with him . I know that we would have had a romantic life , traveling , and we shared a deep love for Brazil . We both ended up teaching Portuguese and Spanish at different universities . |
Happy New Year ! ! ! Wishing all peace , happiness and good health in the new year ! ! Today I decided to carry on a short lived tradition . . . Lobster tail and a small steak . . Usually with all the trimmings . . . salad and baked potato . I decided that steak and lobster were enough for me . . . especially since I would be doing the cooking . . lol . . . It turned out fairly well . . . The steak could have been cooked a couple of minutes longer and the lobster would have been a bit nicer had I taken the time to put it under the broiler for a minute . But for the most part , it was a very good meal and I 'm glad that I took the time to make it . I spent some time cleaning today . I have been somewhat neglectful in that respect . Just a lot of clutter sitting around . I got all of the rooms done except for the dining room . . and the end table next to my chair , which is holding a ton of paper work that I need to sort thru . My original intentions were to get everything done , then eat . I even had thoughts of going out for a while . It is now 8 : 40pm . . don 't think I will be heading out tonight . It 's cold and I do want to finish my cleaning . If it 's not too cold tomorrow , I would like to take a ride to see Cameron and Destiny . I had told Cameron that I would go sledding with them while they are on vacation . Not sure if it will happen tomorrow though , the temps have dropped pretty low . I look forward to not having to worry about workers tomorrow night . Ugh . . . . it can frazzle the brain to deal with that 7 nights a week . Last night , I had thought that I would build a fire . . . well , good thing I didn 't . One of my cleaners called to say she couldn 't get the bank door unlocked . So , off I go . . That bank is about 25 miles from my house . My key wouldn 't open the door either . That bank happens to have a separate office attached . ( which we also clean ) . We went into that side and went thru the basement to get to the bank side . I stayed and helped her clean and then we locked up together . We had no problem opening the bank door from the inside . So I don 't know what the problem was . I Posted by From what I 've been reading as I visit blogs , everyone had a very Merry Christmas ! I know that some people fall to a low after the Holidays . . . I don 't have that problem . I like to have the peacefulness after the hustle and bustle of getting things prepared . For me as I get older , Christmas is still as exciting as ever . I do love shopping for others and wrapping ( even though I may complain a bit about it ) . . I love to watch the kids faces as they open a much wanted present . But I 'm content to be at home after the festivities . . . I spent Christmas Eve at my daughters house . I spent Christmas Day at home . . Just me and Jeremy . I did make some more cookies . . lol . . When we were at the restaurant following the funeral , Shannon , her brother Steve and I were talking . I mentioned that I was going to make some cookies . He asked what kind . . . l0l . . when I told him that I make the old fashioned cut out cookies , he said that he wanted some . . So , I made some for him . He also mentioned that he liked the cookies that melt in your mouth . . after a bit of talking , I figured out that he meant Mexican wedding cakes . . so I made a batch of those also . . . We were lucky to have decent weather for the funeral . . No snow or rain . . . . The service was short . Dave 's niece did some readings . Dave 's nephew sang a song that he had written . And then Dave 's brother - in - laws eulogy . That was hard to get thru . . He talked about reconnecting with Dave when he quit drinking five years ago . . They had talks about the kids . Dave expressed wanting to get to know his kids before his died . Ken asked him why he didn 't reach out to them . Dave said that he couldn 't do that until he knew for sure that he could stay sober . . Ken let the kids know that they were always in their fathers thoughts . He talked about the last three weeks of Dave 's life . It was very touching . He did a wonderful job . . At the funeral there were two very large picture frames . . . as in 2x3feet . . They had been put together by Dave and he had them hanging in his bedroom . . . Oh my gosh . . . there were so many pictures . . picturesslj Thank you Sugar ! So much going on . . . so little time . . That 's usually the case at this time of year . With having a funeral to prepare for , it 's time to make decisions as to what can be left out . Dave 's funeral was going to be set for Saturday . That has now changed . It is going to be Christmas Eve morning . Although we would have preferred to stay with Saturday , that isn 't going to work . So , tomorrow morning it is . The viewing will be at 9 : 30am , then the service . After we go to the cemetery , we will have a buffet . My daughter is determined that we will still have our Christmas Eve celebration as usual . Which I totally agree with . . I think that might have turned out differently had she spent the last 25 yrs . having a relationship with her dad . Under the circumstances , we will proceed as planned . She made the comment yesterday that she wishes she had gotten to know him after he had stopped drinking . He stopped drinking five years ago . I am glad that he had some years of sobriety . I wish he had taken one step further and made amends with his kids . Oh well , we can 't change what has already been . I am eternally grateful that she at least had these last weeks with him . That she didn 't shun him because he hadn 't been a good father to her . I know my daughter and she would have lived with regret if she had done that . . The weather may not co - operate with us tomorrow . They are predicting freezing rain . . UGH . I hope they are wrong once again . It was actually supposed to start this morning and so far it has not hit us . Now they are saying that it should start tonight around six . . Keeping fingers crossed that it stays clear . . We have people that are coming some distance for the funeral . To say nothing of Holiday travel in general . Time for me to get out and resupply a couple of my buildings . Thank you again for all of your prayers ! SheriP . S . Thank you again Sugar for the tag . . . I love it . P . S . S . . I recieved my bonus yesterday from my boss . . . $ 500 . 00 - What a blessing . I certainly never expected that . . Just a short note to let you know that Dave has passed away . 12 - 21 - 09 . . Thank you for all of your prayers ! It helps to know that there are so many people that care . I will try to make an entry later today . . . Sheri First of all , I would like to thank each and every one of you that came by with good thoughts and prayers for my ex , Dave . Thank you Sugar for posting the need for prayers on Call 4 Support . That was so thoughtful . It brings tears to my eyes that so many people that I don 't know would come by and offer their comfort . It makes things a little easier to face when you know that there are so many wonderful people thinking of you . Thank you Linda for the award . I hope to get over by you today to pick it up . Hopefully I will be able to figure out all of the rules to pass it on . . . lol . . It has been a crazy week . . as I know it is for everyone at this time of year . I have people out of work , one building under construction and had to prepare for Christmas with my step - daughters and three younger grandkids yesterday . . Shannon spent the night at her aunts house last night to take care of Dave . Then this morning she pushed her aunt and uncle out the door to get breakfast . . They were so thoughtful they brought a pizza home for her to take home to her kids . . . She said that her dad is losing weight each day . He has been bedbound for about three days now . The last words he has actually spoken were " back off " lol . . . Guess he didn 't like all of them hovering over him . . She said that although he hasn 't spoken , he is at times , talking with his eyes . . There were a few times that he had tears in his eyes . Dave is not strong enough to get up . . although he has tried a couple of times . Last night Shannon gently tucked the blanket in and he was not strong enough to move it away . I don 't know why hospice hasn 't come back on a full time basis . I know that they come when they think the end is very near , but my daughter feels like they should be back . They do come in once a day , except for week - ends . But with him being bedbound , I would think they would feel that he meets the criteria . I 'm going to go over tonight at 5 : 00 . . I will stay until 10 : 00pm . . then Ken will take the night shift . On a lighter note , I did have Christmas with my step - daughters and three youPosted by I don 't know what the problem is . . . but I haven 't been able to leave comments on blogs that I 've been to . . I 'll try again tomorrow . Things have been emotional here . Spent time with my daughter and her dad yesterday and today . . He was up and moving around a little bit yesterday . Today he didn 't want to get off the couch . After we left yesterday , the doctor came to see him . . Dave asked him if he could give him any type of timeline on how long he had to live . The doctor told him 2 - 4 months . The nurse had also been there at some point . Dave asked her what she thought . . Her opinion was two weeks . I know there is no way of knowing when someones time is here . He could rebound tomorrow . Right now , it doesn 't look good . . He is nauseated , can 't eat and appears to have a bowl obstruction . The morphine is taking care of the pain that comes from the cancer , but does nothing for the stomach pain . I don 't understand why that would be . It 's going to be a hard road no matter how you look at it . Dave , my daughter and family could use a few prayers . . . Please . . There is definitely a winter wonderland outside . . . I haven 't been walking in it , but I have been out there with the shovel . . lol . . It is a heavy wet snow . . ugh . . backbreaking . . My landlord plows , but they don 't do a very good job . I have a straight driveway and then it turns into the garage . Well , he didn 't do any of the turn . Even I know that he could have pulled the snow back away from the garage door and then plowed it onto the grass . . No , he didn 't do that . So I had to do it . Yes , I could have gotten out of the garage , but we still have snow coming down and it would have just been worse . Now that I know he isn 't going to plow that area , I will have to make sure and not let the snow accumulate too much before Jeremy or I get out there . . Last night I went to sit with my ex so his sister ( and my daughter ) could have a break . To be honest , I thought I was going to be keeping her company while her husband was gone . Next thing I know , my daughter is telling me how to give him his morphine and anxiety pill . . . OKAY . . . He and I were on our own for about three hours . For the most part , he knows what he is doing . He asked me about my brothers and he hasn 't seen them in 30 years . . We talked about people we knew when we were married . He talked about his son Steven , but didn 't mention that any of the other kids had come to see him also . At points I felt somewhat disappointed that he didn 't have the common sense to say that he appreciated the time that Shannon is giving to his care . . . Not one word about it . . Now , I know that he is dying and may not be entirely with it . . And she is not doing it so that anyone pats her on the back . . but I think he should have at least acknowledged the fact that she is doing it . I had to laugh at the thought that everyone is trusting the ex - wife to administer his meds . . LOL . . His sister didn 't look overly rested when she came out of her bedroom . . I think she would have slept longer , but the phone rang . . . When I left the snow was really coming down . . oh my gosh . . But with the new tires I made it home without any problemsPosted by Good afternoon ! Hope this finds all nice and toasty warm . . . My back is doing much better . . . thank you for all of your recommendations on how to help it : ) Work is still running smoothly . . . ( still keeping fingers crossed on this one ) . . I am sooooo glad that it is Friday . . I never knew I could love a DAY , but I do . . . lol . . I was going to see about getting some more Christmas shopping done . . but will have to wait and see about that . Shannons dad ( Dave ) is now at his sisters house . There wasn 't room at his apartment to set up a hospital bed . . Last night was not looking good . He was pretty out of it . They do have a CNA around the clock now . . That 's really a good thing . Ken and Carol were getting worn out trying to do everything themselves . Now today Dave is more aware of his surroundings and wanting to get some things taken care of before his time comes . Shannon has gone everyday to spend some time with him . She is keeping her brother updated on things . I am so happy that she has connected with her brother . He is 5 years older . She has come a long way in her thinking . She has lost some of the anger that she was holding onto for the last 25 years . I think she is finding peace at last and for that I am grateful . . She was going to Daves apartment today to pick up his girlfriend and take her to see Dave . She has made me soooooo proud stepping up to the plate . For all the bad that was in my marriage to Dave , I can 't regret that time because we were given such a special daughter . I am blessed . . I HAVE to start my cookies this week - end . . . oh my gosh , the time is zipping right past me and all I have done so far is get my mixer out from the cabinet . . . lol . . . I am planning on having Carlos ' daughters and my three youngest grandkids over to celebrate Christmas on the 19th . . I decided to do that because I know they have many other places that they will need to be the week - end of Christmas . I thought this would make it easier for all . . . On that note , I am going to get moving here and get some projects done . . . lol . . Hope everyone has a great week - end . . . Workwise , this has been a great start to the week . . I have all of my accounts filled . The woman that I trained last week should work out fine . She seems like she will be very dependable . . and hopefully do a good job . . Getting all of my accounts filled has lifted a heavy burden off of my shoulders . . I hope things can run smoothly now . . . ( fingers crossed . . lol ) When I was cleaning my van out last week , I lifted a bucket that was heavier than I had anticipated and I pulled something in my back . . Oh my gosh , at first I didn 't think I was going to be able to move . It was slow going but I finally limped my way into the house . . . moving my left leg caused the most pain . Whatever I pulled was on my left side . . after the first two nights , it started to feel a whole lot better . It isn 't totally healed but at least I can move around better and it isn 't affecting my sleep . . . We have gotten so more bad news . . . my daughters biological dad had gone into the hospital last week . He was sent home with hospice yesterday . . Long story short . . . well , as short as I can make it . . . lol . . . I was 3 months from turning 18 when Shannon was born . Her dad was 28 . He had a problem with being responsible . He had a problem with alcohol . . He had a problem with hitting me . . . But he loved his daughter . . . For the first 6 years of her life she had a good relationship with him . . When she turned 6 , I left him . . He in turn decided that she would be better off if he stayed out of her life . . The logic of a selfish man . . She saw him maybe 5 times by the time she turned 10 . . after that , she didn 't see him until this past summer when his mom passed away and we went to the funeral . My granddaughter was there also . . Monique is his first grandchild and he had never seen her . He hugged each of us and thanked us for coming . A few weeks later we learned that he had cancer of the esophagus ( sp ) . He also had a bleeder of some sort . They were able to stop that one , but it is unknown if another one will occur . If that happens he will just bleed out and that will be the end . I had always worried abPosted by Well , here we are . The day after Thanksgiving . The official start of the Christmas season . . I have not done the Black Friday shopping in a few years . I don 't have the patience to deal with those types of crowds anymore . . . lol . . My Thanksgiving was nice . It was just me and Jeremy . I think my daughter was a little miffed that I didn 't make a point of coming to her house for a little bit , but I just needed to stay home and get some stuff done . I made a turkey , mashed potatoes , stuffing and sweet potatoes . . and of course we had cranberry sauce . . Just as our dinner was about done , I made the comment that Jeremy should give his grandpa a call to say Happy Thanksgiving . . I told him what Grandpa 's plans for the day were . Jeremy decided that he would just walk down to the shop to say hi . . . Jeremys Grandpa has a flag store that is about 4 blocks from our house . That is where Jeremys Dad lives . They had built a three bedroom apartment above the business . This is the second Thanksgiving that Jeremys Grandma is not here . So , Jeremys aunt was making a dinner and taking it to the shop . Her brothers were supposed to be there with their families also . . well , at the last minute they all decided that they had other plans . Anyway , , , Jeremy put on his headphones and trekked over there . He saw two of his cousins that he hasn 't seen for a few years . Spent some time just talking and hanging around . . By now my dinner was done and on the table . . . I began to wonder if he was just going to eat with them . . lol . . . He finally came home and we just reheated our food . . As we sat at the table , I asked him what he was thankful for . . . He said that he was thankful to have a mom that was patient with him even though she has a stressful job . . ( awww ) He is thankful that he lives in a house instead of an apartment . And he is thankful that he has a job when so many people are losing theirs . . . Because Jeremy is not as mature as most young people his age , he can really surprise me with some of his thoughts . . This was a time that I was surprised and very proud . I told him that I tPosted by Woke up to dreary weather today . I sure miss the sun shining . I 've spent the morning getting a few things done around the house . . Dishes being the number one project . Not that there were many . I just don 't like having dishes in the sink . lol I finally have all of my workers settled for the Thanksgiving Holiday . . . We have some businesses that are open on Friday , some that aren 't . Had to make all of the contacts to figure out who will be working Friday . Tonight I have to train a new employee . . . YAY . . . that means all of my buildings are covered . Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed that no one calls in sick . . lol . . I have been have bouts of light headedness . . At first I thought it was from too much nicorette gum , ( yes , still trying to stop smoking ) . I stopped using it and the problem still persists . I stopped at the local Walmart because I was going to see if they had a blood pressure machine . I had a problem with very low blood pressure a while back . Well , the didn 't have the machine , but they did have a small clinic . I talked to the nurse and she said that she could take my pressure . That came out fine . She also took my oxygen level , that was at 98 % . . . She then told me that I might be dehydrated . . or it could be my glasses or sinuses . . . humm . that sounds like a possibility . . I have very slight sinus pressure . . . So . . I bought a case of water and some sinus medication . . We 'll see what happens . . If it is only one of those things , then I am happy . . My main concern was that my blood pressure was ok . . I 'm going to go resupply a couple of jobs this afternoon and then meet the new girl at 6 : 00 for training . Then I am coming home to RELAX . . . . lol . . . Dinner tomorrow will be Jeremy and myself . . I will work on getting out Christmas decorations as dinner is cooking . . Can 't wait . . I have so much to be thankful for ! I am blessed ! Isn 't that the cutest tag . . I wasn 't thinking about what it said until after I posted it . . Then I had to laugh , , because the only man I will probably have in my life is a snowman . . . lol . . . . On that subject . . " men " not " snowmen " . . I am at the point that I would like to meet someone . I think I am ready . Doesn 't have to be anything serious or lifelong . . . Just someone to hang out with . Meeting someone might be somewhat of a problem . . . I don 't really do much . I go to work , I go to the store . . . . and once in a while I go out to lunch . . Now I know that if God feels the time is right , he will make sure that this person comes into my life . . Just can 't figure out how He is going to make that happen . . . lol . . . I know that if it is meant to be , it will happen . . . But I do think that I need to put myself out there in some way . . . but then again , , maybe not . . . lol . . . Anyway . . . things have been crazy busy . . I kid you not . Every darn time I think it 's going to settle down , bam something happens . . We had lost a couple of buildings . Then picked up a few . So it evened out rather well . . The building that is in my area is large . It 's an insurance company . The woman that we have cleaning it had to have a cyst removed from her ear last week . That kept her out of work for most of the week . We moved one guy from one building to another so I had training last week . I still have one more building that we are trying to find someone for . I had to cover that job two nights last week plus training . . So , it has been hectic . I should be done training the one guy tomorrow . . Then if we fill the other building this week , ( we are interviewing someone tomorrow . . keep your fingers crossed ) I will have to train her at least two nights . . . I still didn 't get around to making any of my Christmas cookie dough . . . I am hoping to do at least a couple of batches this week . . Saturday my daughter , granddaughter and I took an hour and a half drive north to get a gift certificate from a restaurant that my niece likes to go too . . We had lunch , ( Indian ) . It was very good . . Then we hit the outlet mall . Posted by It 's early Sunday morning . I 've been up since 2 : 30am . . I have my alarm set for that time so that I can make sure my workers are checked in . Most of the time I go right back to sleep , but today I decided to make my run to the two restaurants to restock and do my weekly white glove test . lol . . . . Both of these gentlemen keep their building in good shape . I don 't have too many complaints from the restaurant managers . . I am contemplating going to the YMCA this morning to swim . My daughter and I have been trying to get back in the practice of doing our exercise routine . We went yesterday and walked the treadmill for a while and then worked with the weights . . I had also gone on my own one day last week . . . It 's a start . . . lolI did have a strange experience getting off the treadmill on both visits . I felt very lightheaded and had to give myself a moment to adjust . I have never had that happen before . I don 't know if I need to make sure and eat breakfast before I go or maybe I need to make sure I drink some water to ensure that I am hydrated . I 'll make sure and keep an eye on this the next few times that I go workout . . ( I know I didn 't push myself too hard ) . I got out the little tree that was in my moms room at the nursing home . The last two years , I have bought more ornaments for it . I 'm going to try to get it decorated today . First I have to go to the store and by a large can of coffee . . I set the tree inside of the can and put a couple of rocks in there to keep it stable . If I dont do that , the tree tips over too easy . . I am going to start putting my Christmas decorations in the breezeway . Then I will start in the house . I put up three more blinds . Two in the living room , and one on the door that leads to my breezeway . I am really sick of dealing with blinds . . . lol . . I have one last window to do . . Then I can put my screwdriver away . . . Doing the blinds in the living room were a little bit of a challenge due to the fact that I have my curtain rod up already . I had to work around the brackets for that . . But it 's done now and all is well . It wPosted by My birthday was on Monday . . . 54 . . shhhh . . . don 't tell anyone . . . lol . . Most of the time , I don 't have a problem with getting a little older . . but once in a while , I will look in the mirror and I LOOK OLD . . Now , for the most part , I think that we are as young as we feel . . But what happens when we FEEL old ? When we start to get out of a car and our bones don 't want to move as easily as we would like ? LOL . . . I really do try to keep a positive attitude about aging . . but once in a while . . . oh my . . . My daughter brought over a cake . . she got me the electric can opener that I wanted . She also wanted to take me out to dinner but time was not on our side . . lolI had to work for a few hours that evening . . When I got home I got on the phone with my friend Andrea . As we were talking I had another call come in . I checked it and saw that it was my ex . . . my sons father . I didn 't take the call . I told Andrea who it was and then proceeded to rant about what an ass my ex is . . . . We live about five blocks from where he lives and he has not seen Jeremy for over a year . He has not called Jeremy on his birthday in two or more years . He doesn 't do anything for him for Christmas but yet he can call me on my birthday ? WHAT is he thinking ? ? After I got off the phone with Andrea , I listened to the message that he left . . All he said was , , " November 9th , , , Happy Birthday " . . . I am so angry . . . Since our divorce in 1995 , Mike and I have had times that we have gotten along and times that we will not see eye to eye . . but this tops it all . I feel like I have forgiven him more times than he has deserved . This is the man that has lost one son to suicide and STILL has not learned to make amends with his other children . . I give up . And then . . . . I get another call . . . from Carlos . . ( must have been the night for ex 's ) . I haven 't talked to Carlos for some months . . We didn 't talk too long . He did ask about where I moved to . . I told him that it 's the same house that he and I had lived in . . . He didn 't have too much to say about that . lol . . . I 'm glad that night is over with . . . Too many emotions . . Posted by It 's that time of year again . . turn the clocks back . . Dark when you wake up and Dark when you are on your way home from work . . . ugh . . that in itself is depressing . . . It 's going to be a busy day for me . . I have one job to cover and one job to take our supplies from . We have lost one of our accounts . . I felt really bad because I am the account manager for three of the buildings and my boss has one . . We didn 't lose the account because the cleaning wasn 't up to parr . It happens sometimes when accounts come to the end of their contract and the customer decides to bargain shop . . My boss says that you have to prepare to lose at least 10 % of your business a year . . The one building has been cleaned by the same guy for 4 years . He worked Wed . night and then called me to tell me that he couldn 't go back . . . What ? He said that he had gotten scared while working and just left the building . . . He left the supply cart on the elevator . . I asked him what had scared him . . he didn 't know . he was just scared . . So , I had to drive 30 miles the next morning to put the supply cart away before they opened the lending center . . ugh . . then I had to clean it that night . . It a very old building . . and I have to say , he kept it in really good condition . I wish I could get all of my cleaners to do their job that well . . . lol . . That building gets cleaned on Saturday instead of Friday . So , today I will go there to take care of it . Then remove our supplies . . ( most of which I have already taken out ) . Then I have to meet my other cleaner at her bank and remove the supplies after she has finished cleaning . I have to have all keys turned into the managers at each bank on Monday by 10 : 00am . . Great , that just messed up my day . . It wouldn 't be so bad if they had said before the end of the day . Oh well , you do what you have to do . . . My daughter and I have been having some problems . . . and that is unusual for us . . I don 't know if it 's her or me . . Maybe it 's both of us . Maybe we just needed some space from each other , I don 't know . I only know that it feels terrible to have this splinter in oPosted by Why is it that just when you think things will smooth out and settle down , , , THEY DON ' T ? LOLWe are going thru some changes with employees . . Some are good changes for the long haul . . but in the mean time , it 's hectic . . We have gotten some really awesome employees . They are proving to be dependable , detailed workers . For that I am really grateful . I have had some time to myself , which is nice . I have been able to get some cleaning done . . That has been driving me a little crazy . . lol . . I needed to wash floors and give my bathroom a good scrubbing . . I did that last night . It was nice to wake up this morning to a clean house . Sit and have a cup of coffee without looking at dust bunniesI had a nice time with Mason last week - end . . we played games , had snacks and had his little party . My daughter and her kids came out and we had cake and ice cream . . I had made a cake with little army guys on it . Nothing fancy . . but when Mason saw it he said " awesome " , so I guess it was a hit . . lol . . I had taken him to the store so he could pick his present out himself . He got a very large tanker truck . . It wasn 't until we got it home that we realized how much stuff it did . . Which was nice because I had thought it was a bit expensive for a truck . . I had extra army men after making the cake so I gave him those also . . you would have thought that I had given him the most expensive gift ever . . The cost for them . . . $ 1 . 00 . . . . lol . . just goes to show you once again , it 's not always about the cost of a present that counts . . We had a nice time at his pumpkin farm party . . hayride and all . . . I am looking forward to the week - end . . ( who doesn 't , right ) . . I do have a few work related things to do but other than that , , I am free . . I am going to go out to catch a little of the Packer game . It just isn 't as much fun watching it by yourself . My girlfriend is going to join me . . Should be fun . Well , that 's it for the moment . I 'm going to go to bed . Have to head out early in the morning . . Hope everyone has a nice Thursday ! Thank goodness for Fridays . . . . lol . . . It feels so good to know that I will have a day or so without running around . . Well , at least not to the extent that I do during the week . It has been raining non stop here . I don 't know how much more of this I can take . Although I know it 's better than snow , I don 't like it . . . lol . . Part of the problem is that I need tires on my van . My boss maintains the van . I feel bad when it needs something . . But it is not too safe with the tires that are on it right now . I also know that if I end up in an accident it will cost him alot more . Just hate bringing up the subject . Mason is going to spend Saturday night with me . I am going to go with him and his mom trick or treating tomorrow and then bring him home with me . His birthday is Nov . 1st . . . He will be 6 years old . . Can 't believe it . . They are all getting sooooo big . His birthday party is actually going to be this Sunday . . At the pumpkin farm . . ( hope it doesn 't rain ) . I really didn 't want to go if my ex was going to be there , which I expected he would . That 's why I made plans to have him on Sat . . As it turns out , my ex isn 't going to the party . . So , because my step - daughter let me know that Mason wanted me to come to his party , I will be going . I 'm still going to have a little party with him tomorrow though . I made a cake . I still have to decorate it . . With GI Joes . . . That is his new interest . . Along with transformers . I had every intention of going to Walmart tonight , but I am running out of steam . . lol . . I have been hanging blinds in my living room , cooking and cleaning . I don 't want to have to be doing all of my " week - end " things while Mason is here . I also hung a couple of shelves in my living room . . I 've had a couple of fires and I am just loving that : ) One of my workers is out for personal reasons . . The soonest he could be back is the 27th and that is not guarantied . He has two buildings . So that puts us in a bind . . ugh . . I have only had to cover a couple of nights . . but it is a big building . . takes almost three hours just to do the garbage . . My body certainly lPosted by Sorry about the double pictures here . . I couldn 't delete it . . this is the spare room / office . The office side of the spare room . . dining areafireplace side of the living room . . . Monique driving away from my house . . Mason , Cameron and Destiny when they all spent the night . . . Oh that won 't happen any time soon . . . lol . . I didn 't take a picture of the living room because I had been doing bills . . and when I do bills , I sit on my recliner and go thru them and thru what I don 't need on the floor . . lol . . so needless to say , I had paperwork all over . . . It 's a peaceful night . . it is so nice . I talked to my boss today about taking the week - end off . I am going to travel about an hour and a half away to my nieces house . . my sister - in - law ( her mom ) is going to be there , so I thought it would be a good time to get away . . . I 'm paying the woman that used to be the account manager to handle the phone for me while I am gone . My boss offered to cover for me , but he already has his hands full . When he goes away he doesn 't hand everything over to me . So , I didn 't want to do that to him . I 'm just thankful to be able to go away . . . I 'm not thrilled with how this is set up . . I wanted all of the pictures in one place . I don 't know why they are seperated . . I better get moving here and get things ready for tomorrow . . Hope everyone is having a nice evening . . . All of my grandkids in one spot . . . doesn 't happen often . . lol Posted by Saturday night and no where to go . . . I guess I 'm feeling a little sorry for myself tonight . . I don 't like to spend too much time doing that . . lol . . But sometimes it just happens . I don 't even know where it comes from . . Just sort of comes out of the blue and surprises me . I 'll work thru it as I always do . . I accomplished quite a bit today . Cleaned out the van , swept the garage out . . I still have all of the leftover things from the rummage sale . . On the list for Monday morning , call Purple Heart or Salvation Army and set up a time for them to come and get the stuff . My friend Randy dropped off a small load of split wood for me . I was going to build a fire tonight but don 't seem to have the emotional energy for that . I am glad to have the wood though . It sure beats paying for the fire logs . They 're nice in a pinch , but they aren 't cheap . I was up at 7 : 00am , Jeremy had not gone to sleep yet . lol . . We decided that we would go and do our grocery shopping . . It really is a nice time to go . . No waiting in lines . . lol . . We went to Walmart . I get very frustrated there . I like the fact that I am saving some money by shopping there , but there are alot of things that I can 't find there . . So , after bringing those groceries home , I then went to Pick n Save to get the last of what I was looking for . Mission accomplished . I made steak fajitas for the first time . Not too bad . I think next time I will make them with chicken . Well , I 'm back . . Bet you didn 't even know that I was gone . . lol . . It is now Sunday . I feel a little better today : ) Accomplished plenty today . Worked on my paperwork . . what a job that can be . Cleaned the office / guest bedroom . . I put a wall hung shelf in the hallway . . It looks pretty nice . I went to Steinhafels and picked up a twin mattress set . It was on sale . Good deal . Now the room is done . As I 'm sitting here watching the shows that I had recorded , I decided to start a fire . . That is one of the best advantages of this house . I started it with one of those paper covered logs that you buy at the store . Then I added some of the wood that Posted by Good morning ! October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month ! Let 's pray that there will be a cure soon ! I was so happy to get my laptop back . . $ 189 . 00 later . . Only to find out that my son could have done the job . . How is a Mom to know ? LOL . . . I asked him why he couldn 't fix his own computer if he could have fixed mine . . Because I have my recovery disc . . He doesn 't . . . Lesson learned . . I 've gotten alot more done around the house . . I had put up one set of blinds in my bedroom . ( still haven 't done the other one ) . Then I put up nice curtain rods and a shear scarf . I thought it still looked a little bare so I bought the matching panels . Got those up yesterday . So , my room is looking very nice . I had a stack of paperwork that I finally got organized and put into the file cabinet . Still have some organizing to do in there . But for the most part , it 's done . Although I also want to put either a twin bed or day bed in there for company or when the little ones are here . . I have a built in china cabinet now . I got my china in there this week - end . I do have a couple of shelves that I need to get up . I 'm just not sure where I 'm going to put them . I rearranged Jeremys room yesterday . I had to buy a new cable for his tv . The one they had used didn 't allow me to change his room around . Had I been paying attention when the installer was here I would have let him know that I needed a longer cable . . The same goes for the living room . I needed a longer cable in order to change things around . I did that this week - end also . With the two large picture windows in the living room there was a problem with the sun hitting the front of the tv . I put the tv in the corner . It works out well there . I burned my first fire in the fireplace last night . . Just one of the store bought Fake logs . . lol . . But it was very nice . I took a picture , so after I take a few more of the house , I will post them . . My boss went down to Indiana this week - end to visit family . He had one of the other employees at the office on Friday to take care of things . She got a call from one of our contaPosted by It 's only 8 : 45pm and I feel like it 's midnight . . . lolI probably did more this week - end than I had intended . . but I certainly didn 't do enough to make me feel this tired . . lol . And I still have a mess of papers sitting here on my bed that I still need to put away . I had papers stuck in various places and decided that I needed to finally get them put where they belong . Of course , you have to sort thru them first . . Oh how I do not like this job . lol . . I trimmed the bushes yesterday . They had all of these small shoots sprouting out all over that made them look messy . . They look pretty good now . I got another set of blinds up . I hung a different shower curtain up . I went to Target and bought my son the desk that he had picked out . And put it together with the help of my oldest grandson . Then later in the day my other grandson and I went to Menards and I bought a portable firepit . I didn 't put it together . . lol . Maybe I 'll have it together and get some wood from my friend Randy by next week - end . I have a pretty good start on my office . Oh gosh , it will be so nice to have everything in it 's own place . It 's looking nice . When my daughter came to get the boys , I thought I would have them help me put my mirror on the dresser . . Well , that did not work out at all . . When the guys from the store put it together , they used a screw gun . . and they stripped it . We could not get the screws to go in . . So now I get to call the store and let them know that they will have to send someone here to fix the problem . . I 'm not looking forward to that . I hope they handle it properly . It 's really disappointing to have my mirror sitting on the floor . . Well , I guess I should get off this darn laptop and get the paperwork off my bed so I can go to sleep . . . . . Hope everyones week starts well Another Friday night and I am in my PJs before eight oclock . . . lol . . Humm , , Friday night , in jammies before 8 and I 'm happy . . I must be getting old . I had to cover for one of my workers last night . I was there for about 2 1 / 2 hours . Not too bad . But I 'll tell you , my body certainly knows when I have done some extra manual labor . . lolI covered another cleaner yesterday morning . Everyone is getting hit with bronchitis . I am working extra hard at making sure I stay germ free . I can not afford to get sick . It really sucks not having insurance . One of my cleaners asked me if I thought my boss might try to get some low cost health insurance . . . No , , this is a small company . I told him that most part time jobs don 't offer insurance anyway . . I work full time and I don 't get insurance . I certainly don 't know why he thinks anyone else will get it . I have been able to get some more things done around the house this week . . I have gotten three sets of blinds up , curtains on the back door , a couple of closets straightened out and some picture hung . . I haven 't made ANY plans for this week - end . . I decided that I have spent way too much time trying to do too much on the week - ends . I 'm going to just putz around . If I get things done , fine . If I don 't , that 's fine also . . At some point , I do have to organize the kitchen cabinets . When I moved in , I just put things in the cabinets without any thought to convenience . Now I will put things where they should be . I 've talked to my friend Randy about getting some firewood . . I can 't wait to use the fireplace . The ONE nice thing about cooler weather . . lol . . So with the thoughts of a fire with blue and green flames , I 'll close . I hope everyone has a wonderful and restful week - end The new house . . . My friend Larry and his girlfriend Melissa . . They came over for Labor day . . . Monique and Jeremiah Jr . They spent the night and we played a game of Monopoly . . . JJ won . . lolI haven 't gotten any more pictures of the house yet . But will post more when I take them . . I am fairly settled in . believe it or not . . I do have 3 or 4 more boxes to empty . I have to arrange the kitchen and bathroom cabinets . But other than that , everything is put away . . . I did buy cheap mini blinds to put up . The shades that are already up are pretty old . . I got one set of blinds up and decided that I couldn 't do anymore until I get my daughters drill . . The window casing is so hard , I could hardly get the screws in . . One down , five more to do . . lol . . I also have to decide on the window treatments for the living room . There are two large picture windows . . NO privacy what so ever there . . . l0lI love doing laundry . . ha - ha . . . I can actually sort clothes . I can do just a small load if I need to and I can do it when it suits me . . Oh the joy of having my own washer and dryer . . . . I sent out my new address to a few people . . One being my ex . . He needs it to send my monthly check . I didn 't mention to him that it is the same place that we lived in together . He wrote back something about me moving up in the world , with his money . . Oh yeah , the $ 125 . oo a month I get from him has made all of the difference in how I can live . . . lol . . then he made a reference to there being another man . . as if I have to live in an apartment if I don 't have a man to live with . . Things are calming down with work . . at least for the time being . We found someone to do the new restaurant account that we got . I hope he works out . . I certainly don 't want to go back to going to work in the middle of the night . . Gosh that took it 's toll on my body . lolMy daughter brought our rummage sale stuff out to my garage . We were planning on have our sale this coming week - end . . but now they are talking about rain . . . ugh . . not too many days left for things like rummage sales . We 'll have to wait till the end of the slj Taking a few minutes for myself here . . . lolOh my gosh , I do not like moving . . . but I 'm doing a pretty darn good job of getting things prepared . I have everything off of the shelves . Cabinets cleaned out and bathroom scrubbed . I have also taken my bed apart . I have to take the kitchen table apart also . I am going to let the movers take the table top for me . It 's really heavy . Yesterday I went out and purchased a new washer , dryer , stove and refrigerator . . I feel so Blessed to be able to have done that . I do have to go back to the store today or tomorrow to purchase the cords for the dryer and stove . . It is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of . . . Having to buy these items seperately . . Why doesn 't the cord come with the stove and dryer ? Oh , Oh , , I just figured it out . . . . . lol . . . The plugs come in a couple of different types . . 3 or 4 prong . . So , I 'm sure that is why they have to be purchased seperately . . . Hey wait a minute here . . Even though they come in different kinds , they should still be included in the price of the item . . I also had to purchase the hoses for the washer . . why is that a seperate cost ? Doesn 't everyone have to have them ? Don 't we expect to be able to get water to our washer without having to pay more money to do it ? ? ? Not fair ! It has been extremely busy at work . . . Still . . . . Last week I was training two people , at the same location . Plus I had trained another person for the restaurant account we just took over . On Friday he gave his notice that due to his wife 's schedule , he won 't be able to work after Mon . . . You got it , , I will be doing that job again until we find someone new . . My boss will be helping me because there are three floors to clean . . At least until the end of Sept . . Then we will no longer have to clean the kitchen floor . That is the worst part of that job . I will be glad when we don 't have to do that anymore . We have a couple of woman that are interested in this account because the hours would work for them . . 3 : 00am to 5 : 30am . . . But they have full time jobs and I don 't think they realize how hard this type of clPosted by Just making a quick entry . . . I 'm watching Big Brother . Love this show . I 'm always sorry to see it end . . I took a nap when I got home today . . . Oh that felt so good . . I really did need it . LOL . . . Starting Sunday night , I will be training a guy on the late night job . . Keeping fingers crossed that nothing changes . I soooo need to get back to my own schedule . Update on selling my rings . I got $ 86 . 00 for them . . Not bad hey . . I ended up taking in some more jewelry . . Got another 89 . 00 . . . I also took in my Moms rings . They are taking the center stones out of both of them and putting them in a setting that I can wear on a necklace . One will be in gold and the other in white - gold . I will get them back next week . I think this is a good choice that will work well for me . . I can 't wait to see them . . . Haven 't heard anything on Jeremys account . I 'm going to contact the bank tomorrow . I 'm also going to write a letter of complaint on the woman that took care of us . I have my money out of there now . . Now I have to find a new bank . There are three or four right here in town . I 'm just not sure which one I want to go with . . . It 's 8 : 00pm . . I think I will make myself a nice warm cup of Mexican chocolate and watch tv in bed for a bit . . I 'm going to get some extra sleep tonight . . . I hope . . lol . . . . Have a great week - end . Hope everyone has beautiful weather . . . Well , I did it . . I had my hair cut . . . SHORT . . LOL . . . I have been trying to get the nerve up to get my hair cut short . And I finally did it . We women seem to hold our hair in high regard . . lol . . I keep making the statement , I am not my hair . . lol . . I do like the cut . Think Pixie . . at least very close to it . and I love it . Once in a while I have a pang of regret . But for the most part , this is working for me . Can you say Easy ? Five minutes out of the shower and it 's ready to go . As usual , things have been busy . We are getting more accounts ( good thing , job security ) . But it takes some time to get the right people to clean them . That 's where the hard part comes in . The restaurant we recently acquired is wearing me down some . I go in at 2 : 30 to clean it . Then I get 2 or 3 hours of sleep and then hit the road to cover my accounts . There is an end in sight . My boss just hired someone to do this job . He isn 't able to start until Sunday night . . So I will train him for two or three nights after that and then he will be on his own . . On Monday we have a hugh building that will require 2 or 3 people . I don 't know yet if he has the people hired to start that . . I think he does . It will take me a few nights to train there . And THEN I should be able to relax some . . lol . . I hope . . I have most of my packing done . Now I have to go to the appliance dent and scratch department and try to find a good deal on a washer , dryer , stove and fridge . . Then I should be pretty well set . Jeremy had a problem with his bank account . It appears that his debit card has been compromised . There are withdrawls from the banks tyme machine that he did not make . To the tune of 280 . 00 . . They told us to first go to the police department and file a complaint , which we did . The officer said that this was the second complaint for that bank this week . . Went back to the bank . The woman that took care of us kept telling us that Jeremy must have allowed someone to use his card and pin number . At one point she basically said that I didn 't have anything to do with this since I was Posted by I went to look at the house . . Took all of the measurements that I need . . They have the house looking really nice . I can 't wait until I can put my personal touch on it . You know how your mind starts planning how you will arrange things ? Well , now that I have been there again , my mind is doing overtime . . . lol . The bedrooms are on the small side . I was a little concerned about how I would be able to arrange my new bedroom set . . They have a king size bed and the dresser is the same size as mine , so I should be good to go . . Now , time to go thru some paper - work . . the job I like the least . . . I was supposed to have a new trainee at the restaurant this morning . . No such luck . . He called yesterday afternoon to say that he was staying with his current job . . Darn . . . So , I 'll be covering this one for a bit . . My granddaughter cleaned by herself for the first time last night . She didn 't even take the entire allotted time to do it . . After I worked early this morning , I went to take a look at the bank to make sure she hadn 't missed anything . . WoW . . she did a darn good job . I am really proud of her . . The only thing I could find were a couple of fingerprints on the door . Not bad for the first time . I called her this morning to tell her what a good job she did . . She says . . . " Oh , you went there " ? Yes honey , that 's MY job . . lol . . . I have to admit , I was a little worried about her setting the alarm correctly . . She did . . When my boss and I were talking about my renting this house , I had also mentioned that it would be a bit more money per month . If I found it to be a bit of a struggle financially , I would take on one of our smaller jobs for the extra money . He said , well , you are ready for a review . . . . Yesterday I was at the office for more supplies and he says again , we have to have your review soon . . . He then proceeds to tell me that as of this paycheck , I will be getting a $ 125 . 00 a month raise . . . I told him thank you , I appreciate it . . He said , No , thank you , , you do a fantastic job . . . . wow . . That really made my day . I 'm a bit of a worry wart . I always worry that I 'm not doing enough or not living up to expectations . . His praise gave me a much needed boost in my self - esteem . And the boost to the paycheck sure doesn 't hurt . . . lol . . . I have one hour until I go to look at the house and do some measuring . . It 's going to feel a little weird to be there again . But not anything that I am worried about . I so look forward to being in a house again . I told my boss yesterday how much I have packed already . He asked if I was getting ahead of the game ? Oh yes I am . I want things to run a smoothly as possible . . Besides the fact that it is already the 11thPosted by Good evening ! I got home from work this morning at 7 : 30 . . . putzed around for a bit . . well , mostly sat on the couch . . lol . . . I finally took a nice warm bath and went to bed . . I woke up at 12 : 20 . . . It 's strange , I always feel like I should wake up refreshed . . When I don 't , I feel cheated . . lol . . I made myself get dressed and run a couple of errands . When I got home , I put myself into full drive and really accomplished quit a bit . I packed my crystal , glasses , lighted wall sconces . . I think I packed up 5 or 6 boxes . I now have all of the wall hangings off the walls , other than 3 of my larger prints . I had gotten some spackle to patch up the nail holes . I also cleaned the oven . I don 't use it all that much anyway . So , I figured I would get that nasty job out of the way . . I had gotten a can of oven cleaner at the dollar store . I didn 't have many expectations for it . But I 've got to say , it did a great job . I have watched everything that I have recorded with the dvr . . . In a little while , Big Brother will be on . I will watch that and then try to go to sleep . . And then the start of a new week begins . It will be a little easier now that I have Monique trained at the bank . . . One less thing to worry about . . I don 't know if I mentioned it in my last post , but on Tuesday , I will be taking a walk thru the house that I am renting . I know that I have lived there before , but there are a few measurements that I will need to take . Tomorrow I am calling the mover to get a quote . Hope it isn 't too high . . It 's only a few things . So , it shouldn 't be too bad . I had taken one of my diamond rings in to be resized . . I don 't know why my rings don 't fit me . I haven 't really gained any weight . . but I have just recently heard that as you get older your fingers get larger . . . Oh great . . lol . . I think it might be the knuckles that they were referring too . I didn 't hear the whole thing . . But since my rings no longer fit , I guess it makes sense . . One more step towards new things that come with age . . . lol . . I get the ring back on Wed . . I have two other wedding sets , well actuallyPosted by |
Whoopee , yaaaa , yaaaaaaahoooo . I rode in Jim 's truck all the way to Costco and back with out getting sick . Jim said that if I keep it up I can go a lot of places with him . I 'm excited . Posted by happen and bad things happen . Notice I said happen . None of the bad things were my fault . I , Oden just don 't do bad things any more . You remember the hearing aid thing , that was my last bad thing . The other day when Jim was gone , I smelled something in his bed . Being the good and faithful dog that I am I decided to investigate . Using my front paws I moved a sheet then tore through the other sheet , mattress pad and what did I find , foam . From dogs prospective , foam is more fun than toy stuffing . It was at this point that I forgot what I was looking for . I started tearing it apart , paw down , teeth on the foam and pull . I did this for hours and hours and hours . It was great fun . Then when I stopped I realized Jim was not going to be over joyed about this . I was the cat When he comes home I 'll put my ears all the way back and wag my tail as best I can . I guess I 've used that before because when Jim came home and saw me he said , " what did you do Oden ? " I told him , although he couldn 't understand , " the cat did it " . For any of you dogs out there reading this , ALWAYS blame it on the cat . It works every time unless you don 't have a cat . My case , no cat . Well I 've been banished from the bedroom when Jim 's not home . Darn . The good thing about this , He didn 't stay mad very long . A couple of jump up and put the head on the shoulder and he was back to normal . I will however put this on my list of don 't do any more . 1 . don 't eat the hearing aids Ok the good things . I went to the Vet Monday to get my grooming done . I did not through up in the truck there or on the way back . Yahoo ! ! ! ! ! I felt a little odd but stuck it out . In the afternoon I got to go out and hang out with a bunch of people from the office . Once I even got to sit on someone 's lap . Some kind of video and I guess I 'm in it . I wonder if you get extra treats or pets for that ? Posted by Hey it 's me again , twice on the same day . I 'll have to be carful not to get my paws tired putting all this in . Actually every thing from this morning was cut and past . Jim was at the track all day so I stayed home and tore up a few papers , slept , drank water , slept a little . Oh my big accomplishment for the day was remove the squeaker from one of my toys . That was really a good time . When Jim comes home I try to surprise him by jumping from the floor right to his shoulder . He has to catch me and then gives me big hugs and says what a good dog I am . I don 't do it every time because then it wouldn 't be as much fun when I do it . We were out on the deck and Jim was sitting in my favorite chair , the big brown one , so I jumped up on his lap and all of a sudden I smelled something I hadn 't smelled in a while . It was those things Jim keeps in his ears , and left by the bed for me to nibble on . I sniffed both ears but then remembered how Jim looked when he found me enjoying them . I decided to just leave them alone . I don 't think I said anything about Jim becoming a Grandpa in Late Jan . or Feb . Brian , ( he is the one on the left with his friend Sam ) , and Kirstin are going to have a baby boy . I wonder if that makes me a grand dog . Wait I already am a grand dog so I 'm going to be a really grand dog . I really don 't know what all this grand stuff is but it sounds good being a grand dog ! ! Some how last time I put something on here i left out a few days . I think it was Jim who did something wrong . Oh well here it is out of order . Wow , holy be geberz , whoooooo hoooooo What a time it 's been since I wrote something . I 've had great times , and not so great times in the last 12 days . On Saturday the 21st Jim and I headed for Redding and Lassen Park . I 've never been to those places but they must be good because Jim is taking me . I had a pretty good trip to Redding , Janes house . I only lost food once . We stopped at Sonic in Gilroy for some dinner , oh wait I should say Jim stopped , I 'm still waiting for just a little bite but no not even a nibble . I 'm thinking next time Jim wants to share a bone I find , it 's not going to happen . Let me tell you about Redding , hot , hot , hot , did I mention It 's hot there , 103 . We went to Janes house and I met my cousin Marley Davidson , Marley for short . She is 3 hear old and really big . We played any way . On Sunday we went to Lassen Volcanic National Park to go camping . That is a nice place , trees everywhere and much cooler than Redding . We got there and got settled . There was Jim 's sister Jane , his brother in law Bob and 4 of Janes grand kids that went up . Elenore , William , Dora and ? Last week another motor home moved in next to us which made me bark a lot until I finally figured out it was the same people and they were ok . Then there was this big fence that someone put up with green materal on it . I could 't see past it but I guess that was ok . Jim said he liked it . At this point everything is just going along . Jim and I were having a normal life . Last Wednesday it started . Sandy , who has been here before showed up with her daughter Elaina . That was good because they both like me and gave me plenty of hugs and scratches . Of course they are my friends . Then over by my best friend Dulee 's house someone named Mindy parks her motorhome with her dogs Blondie and Nickie So I had to meet them . Nickie is about the same age as me so we played whenever the humans would let us . She was a little bigger than be but I 'm a terrier so I held my own . Then someone named Kevin also moved in by Dulee 's house . This place is getting packed . Two by Dulee and two by me . Thursday It 's getting busy and noisy around here . There are people everywhere and motorcycles everywhere . Jim seems pretty busy doing a lot of nothing . I decided not to bar at everyone that goes by because I might wear out my barker . I don 't know how many barks I have in me so I 'm saving some for later in life . What am I saving them for I don 't even know what later in life is . Friday Friday was a good day and a really bad day for me , Oden . The good part motorcycles were all over the track and they were really loud , but it didn 't bother me . Jim came be and walked me a few times so mostly I slept . Jim kept talking about a BBQ , every one knows what that is , right . I 'll remind you . It 's something humans do to cook meat and not give the dog any . After a while Sandy came by and there was a lot going on then they all left for the bbq . Here I was by my self while they feasted on beef , I got dog food . I should say it is very good dog food , but dog food . Every one came back after about 400 hours ( 2 hours ) and there were more people . DiegoMoto Gp came and went . I got to sit out on the deck with lots of people and watch the race . It was great fun but a little noisy . People would get excited and unexcited . Then it was over and everyone left . I went to the vet the other day and had my fur washed , nails cut and other stuff . They are always so nice there I don 't even mind going . I do get a little nervous when Jim leaves me but he always comes back and gets me when they are done making me handsome . Car ride almost ok ? Last Saturday I went to the sound booth and found my friend Eli there . I haven 't seen him in a long time . I like Eli , he is one of the few dogs that is not as big as me . He is younger than me but I don 't think he 'll get much bigger . We played for and hour straight , it was really a lot of fun . I 'm going to have to play with him more often . August 9 Jim and I have been going over to Dulees to feed Inky . Inky is a cat that lives at and around Dulee 's place . I 've seen him before but could never get too close . He 's a a bit of a nervous animal . Since we 've been feeding him I go over every morning and evening and we say hi , touch noses and and hang out a bit . He is really a nice cat . I should tell you they only reason I know he is a cat is because Jim told me . I thought he was just a funny looking dog . There are another animals running around here that I can 't chatch to say hi . Jim says they are squirrels . There funny looking little things and aren 't very friendly . There are a bunch of tents going up around here . Jim says a really big race is coming up . It 's called Moto GP . I 'm excited , I don 't know why I 'm excited other than it is an opportunity to get more scratches and pets . More people more hands . Jim says I 'll have to guard the place . No problem , I 'm the best guard ever . What the heck does guard mean ? I 'll do it as soon as I figure out what it is . Jim got a new chair the other day and it is really comfortable . I sit in it when ever I can . Jim has to make me move so he can sit down so I just jump up on his lap . And it 's Friday . Jim told me to put that in here , I don 't know why but I always do what Jim asks me . ( paws , eyes and ears crossed ) Jim is always asking me what 's up , Oden . I have and answer to that , everything . When your my height everything is up except the ground and the food bowl . JI don 't know why he has to know what 's up , his ankles are up . I went to another human obedience class last night . Another TEST and I was not first again . Sandy , the instructor held my leash and Jim went the other end of the room and called me . When Sandy dropped the leash I 'm supposed to run to Jim . In whose world is that going to happen ? I sniffed a little , visited some friends and then ran to Jim . He said at least this time a got some points . We did it again but this time I had to go visit longer . Jim came to me , and I didn 't even have to call him , with a treat in his hand and then I followed him back to where he started . It was great fun . We then learned to wait . That is not the same as stay it is just a quick thing so Jim can get out the door or put on a leash . I excelled on that one . Perfect every time . One slight not so good thing happened , I got sick in the truck . I 'm trying , I really am . There still putting up more tents for the up coming big race , Moto Gp . This place is just busy every day . I have to give my low warning growl when ever anyone gets within 6 miles , ( 50 yards ) of our home . I think Jim appreciates it . Its really low so it doesn 't seem to bother Jim . Outside the trailer is a mess . Jim says were getting a deck but I have to step over all kinds of stuff just to go do my business . I 'll be glad to have that project done . He says we are going to plant some trees for Jim 's Dad and Mom . Jim says they were volunteers at Summit Camp for 17 years . That will be nice to have something to honor them . I never met them but if they were Jim 's Dad and Mom they were nice people . There can 't be any permanent signs but temporary ones are ok . I hope I get to help dig . Ooops . I think I made a couple of goofs . I don 't do that very often but Jim got a little upset with me . First the rug I decided to chew yesterday . This morning I was leaning on Jim trying to get him to pick me up and I took one paw and slapped his arm with it . He told me NO in a very stern voice . Guess I won 't do that again Last night something happened and I 'm still not sure what or why . Jim and I were playing with my favorite toy , having a great time . Jim was playing tug with me and all of a sudden there was crack / pop and something in my mouth hurt . It scared the be jebers out of me . There was a funny taste in my mouth also . Jim kept looking in my mouth and finally said , Oden you lost your last puppy tooth . I sure glad it was my last one because I don 't want to go through that again . I just laid around for the rest of the night on Jim 's lap and on the bed . I think I was more scared than hurt . Jim talked to me alto and petted me . It made me feel a lot better . I woke up this morning and there was a big motorhome pulling in beside us . I started barking to let Jim know it was there . We got up , went outside and talked to Robert the who will be out neighbor for the next few months . I 'm a little confused . I think when someone gets close , within 100 yard of home , I should bark to warn Jim . He however has a different thought . Jim seems to think right next door is the place to bark . I 've been a dog longer than Jim has so I think I know what a dog should do . We are working on it but the two of us are pretty darn stubborn . July 18 I 've got a lot going on in my head . Every time I turn around there is another something going by . I can barley keep my mind on doing my business when I 'm outside . Jim keeps telling me it 's because of the race coming up . I hope it calms down when that happens . Yesterday Jim and I went to the shooting range . We parked and got out and went over to a little tree . I don 't know why but Jim seemed a little sad . He told me to look where the deer had been nibbling at the branches but the tree looked like it was growing well . Then we left . Wow it 's been a long time since I wrote any thing . Since the last time there have been motorcycle races , old car races and new car races . I of course managed to get through all of them fine . The worst part is during race weekend Jim is gone a lot . What have I done during that time ? I slept a bunch and really tried to keep Jim from sleeping . I constantly took the blanket off the couch . One thing I learned that is really fun is to walk on the back of the couch . I can really see a lot from up there . That 's a trick my best friend Dulee told me about . He 's been doing that for a long time . I haven 't mastered the art of sleeping up there yet , but Dulee says it 's a great place to sleep . Posted by There are a bunch of tents going up around here . Jim says a really big race is coming up . It 's called Moto GP . I 'm excited , I don 't know why I 'm excited other than it is an opportunity to get more scratches and pets . More people more hands . Jim says I 'll have to guard the place . No problem , I 'm the best guard ever . What the heck does guard mean ? I 'll do it as soon as I figure out what it is . Jim got a new chair the other day and it is really comfortable . I sit in it when ever I can . Jim has to make me move so he can sit down so I just jump up on his lap . And it 's Friday . Jim told me to put that in here , I don 't know why but I always do what Jim asks me . ( paws , eyes and ears crossed ) Jim is always asking me what 's up , Oden . I have and answer to that , everything . When your my height everything is up except the ground and the food bowl . JI don 't know why he has to know what 's up , his ankles are up . I went to another human obedience class last night . Another TEST and I was not first again . Sandy , the instructor held my leash and Jim went the other end of the room and called me . When Sandy dropped the leash I 'm supposed to run to Jim . In whose world is that going to happen ? I sniffed a little , visited some friends and then ran to Jim . He said at least this time a got some points . We did it again but this time I had to go visit longer . Jim came to me , and I didn 't even have to call him , with a treat in his hand and then I followed him back to where he started . It was great fun . We then learned to wait . That is not the same as stay it is just a quick thing so Jim can get out the door or put on a leash . I excelled on that one . Perfect every time . One slight not so good thing happened , I got sick in the truck . I 'm trying , I really am . There still putting up more tents for the up coming big race , Moto Gp . This place is just busy every day . I have to give my low warning growl when ever anyone gets within 6 miles , ( 50 yards ) of our home . I think Jim appreciates it . Its really low so it doesn 't seem to bother Jim . Outside the trailer is a mess . Jim says were getting a deck but I have to step over all kinds of stuff just to go do my business . I 'll be glad to have that project done . He says we are going to plant some trees for Jim 's Dad and Mom . Jim says they were volunteers at Summit Camp for 17 years . That will be nice to have something to honor them . I never met them but if they were Jim 's Dad and Mom they were nice people . There can 't be any permanent signs but temporary ones are ok . I hope I get to help dig . Ooops . I think I made a couple of goofs . I don 't do that very often but Jim got a little upset with me . First the rug I decided to chew yesterday . This morning I was leaning on Jim trying to get him to pick me up and I took one paw and slapped his arm with it . He told me NO in a very stern voice . Guess I won 't do that again Last night something happened and I 'm still not sure what or why . Jim and I were playing with my favorite toy , having a great time . Jim was playing tug with me and all of a sudden there was crack / pop and something in my mouth hurt . It scared the be jebers out of me . There was a funny taste in my mouth also . Jim kept looking in my mouth and finally said , Oden you lost your last puppy tooth . I sure glad it was my last one because I don 't want to go through that again . I just laid around for the rest of the night on Jim 's lap and on the bed . I think I was more scared than hurt . Jim talked to me alto and petted me . It made me feel a lot better . I woke up this morning and there was a big motorhome pulling in beside us . I started barking to let Jim know it was there . We got up , went outside and talked to Robert the who will be out neighbor for the next few months . I 'm a little confused . I think when someone gets close , within 100 yard of home , I should bark to warn Jim . He however has a different thought . Jim seems to think right next door is the place to bark . I 've been a dog longer than Jim has so I think I know what a dog should do . We are working on it but the two of us are pretty darn stubborn . July 18 I 've got a lot going on in my head . Every time I turn around there is another something going by . I can barley keep my mind on doing my business when I 'm outside . Jim keeps telling me it 's because of the race coming up . I hope it calms down when that happens . Yesterday Jim and I went to the shooting range . We parked and got out and went over to a little tree . I don 't know why but Jim seemed a little sad . He told me to look where the deer had been nibbling at the branches but the tree looked like it was growing well . Then we left . Wow it 's been a long time since I wrote any thing . Since the last time there have been motorcycle races , old car races and new car races . I of course managed to get through all of them fine . The worst part is during race weekend Jim is gone a lot . What have I done during that time ? I slept a bunch and really tried to keep Jim from sleeping . I constantly took the blanket off the couch . One thing I learned that is really fun is to walk on the back of the couch . I can really see a lot from up there . That 's a trick my best friend Dulee told me about . He 's been doing that for a long time . I haven 't mastered the art of sleeping up there yet , but Dulee says it 's a great place to sleep . Posted by Yesterday I went for a walk with my friends Ardel and Wendy . We went to Wolf Hill and what do you think I saw , antother dog laying in the grass . He was really big and looked like he could use a bath , but he looked friendly to me . If they would have let me I would have gone over and said hi . Both Adel and Wendy said it was a coyote and went the other way . I 'm sure I could have made him my friend . July 6 Last week there was a test , yes a dreaded test , in human obedience school . Jim went to one end of the room and said , " Oden , come " , then the teacher let go of the leash and I was suppose to go to Jim . Well I 'm telling you there were a lot of people and dogs to visit between the teacher and Jim so I visited them all . Jim kept saying come on Oden but I kept visiting . When I ran out of people to visit I went to Jim . Jim said I got 0 on the test , ( an F would mean he got points ) , but I feel like I did the right thing , a dog can 't have too many friends . We practice and Jim keeps telling me it 's for my own good to come when he calls me . I guess I 'll try to do that . Betty , Dulee 's human made me and Dulee some really great scarves . We have a yellow and blue one and a red one and a checkered one . I really like wearing them . Jim says jump Oden and you 'll be a waving flag . What ever that is . Yesterday Jim took me on a long car ride , 99 miles , in the truck . I lost my stomach contents some where near the start and then I was ok the rest of the way and on the way back . I learned to just lay down and rest . I may have this sick thing beat . I 'm really happy and so is Jim . There are a bunch of tents going up around here . Jim says a really big race is coming up . It 's called Moto GP . I 'm excited , I don 't know why I 'm excited other than it is an opportunity to get more scratches and pets . More people more hands . Jim says I 'll have to guard the place . No problem , I 'm the best guard ever . What the heck does guard mean ? I 'll do it as soon as I figure out what it is . Jim got a new chair the other day and it is really comfortable . I sit in it when ever I can . Jim has to make me move so he can sit down so I just jump up on his lap . And it 's Friday . Jim told me to put that in here , I don 't know why but I always do what Jim asks me . ( paws , eyes and ears crossed ) Jim is always asking me what 's up , Oden . I have and answer to that , everything . When your my height everything is up except the ground and the food bowl . JI don 't know why he has to know what 's up , his ankles are up . I went to another human obedience class last night . Another TEST and I was first again . Sandy , the instructor held my leash and Jim went the other end of the room and called me . When Sandy dropped the leash I 'm supposed to run to Jim . In whose world is that going to happen ? I sniffed a little , visited some friends and then ran to Jim . He said at least this time a got some points . We did it again but this time I had to go visit longer . Jim came to me , and I didn 't even have to call him , with a treat in his hand and then I followed him back to where he started . It was great fun . We then learned to wait . That is not the same as stay it is just a quick thing so Jim can get out the door or put on a leash . I excelled on that one . Perfect every time . One slight not so good thing happened , I got sick in the truck . I 'm trying , I really am . ( Above is the dreaded truck ) There still putting up more tents for the up coming big race , Moto Gp . This place is just busy every day . I have to give my low warning growl when ever anyone gets within 6 miles , ( 50 yards ) of our home . I think Jim appreciates it . Its really low so it doesn 't seem to bother Jim . Outside the trailer is a mess . Jim says were getting a deck but I have to step over all kinds of stuff just to go do my business . I 'll be glad to have that project done . He says we are going to plant some trees for Jim 's Dad and Mom . That will be nice to have something to honor them . There can 't be any permeant signs but temporary ones are ok . I hope I get to help dig . This is my friend Enzo . I mentioned him in an earlier post . When Jim is at the gate he comes to visit . He is the same age as I am but a little bigger Saturday , glorious Saturday , what a wonderful day of the week . I have no idea why I think it is such a great day , it 's just another day of the week , which I know nothing about . A week a month a year , I don 't know what any of those things are . If any one want 's to explain it to me feel free . While Jim and I were walking around today I discovered what is living in the brush beside us . You remember the thing that I scared off . It 's a rabbit . I know what a rabbit is because it , like me , is an animal and I 'm supposed to chase it . I saw it twice today but chasing was not what I wanted to do , I wanted to play . The rabbit was not friendly because he wouldn 't come play . I don 't understand a lot of things in the world . I do understand the world , that is where Jim and I are . I went to see my friends Gary , Betty and Dulee today . Gary we sitting outside with someone so visited them . They were eating and I actually got a chip from the other guy . Jim picked me up but that is not what I wanted to do , I wanted to go back to that other guy to get another chip . I wriggled and squirmed and , ohhhhhhhhh brother , no part of me is touching anything and I see the sky not ground , landing on my head and back . Not a direct landing , but more like a roll . I 'm ok and got a chip . I was pretty calm the rest of the day , because I forgot what caused the mid air flip but I 'm being carful to not let it happen again . Every thing upside down , including me , is not what a dog wants to do . I got woken woke ? , I don 't know the exact proper word is , but early this morning by some kind of noise . I even went and barked at it . I never did figure what it was making noise . Jim and I went out for our morning walk . No sun just clouds and a little cold . I did my duty and we went back in . A couple of hours later I decided it was time to go out again and what do you think happened ? There was stuff falling on me again . Jim keeps calling it rain , I call it scary stuff from the sky Wow , it 's been a busy week . Last Tuesday and Wednesday there were some really loud cars out on the track . I had to stay home while Jim went to the track . I really don 't think that is fair , why does he have all the fun . Since I could 't go to the track I invented my own fun . I spent 2 days taking apart one of my toys to inspect the inside . I really had a great time and Jim got to clean it up . I think that might be the most fun , I make a mess and don 't have to clean it up . When Jim comes in he just shakes his head and starts picking it up . He always does it with a smile . I guess it 's ok to get that noise maker out of my toys . Thursday morning some noise woke me up way too early again . Jim said it was an alarm . OK but I don 't like it . Jim got up and we went as usual for our morning walk . It isn 't really a walk its a Jim go out and try to stay awake and I go out and see how long I can keep him out . The sleeper he is the longer I have to sniff the ground , pick up sticks and leaves . Jim got dressed to go to the track so I put on my best take me face , ( after all I 've been home for two days ) , and it worked I got to go with him . We worked the gate for SCCA . I did that waaaay back when I first moved in with Jim and it is a lot of fun . People come over and say hi , Oden , all the time , they scratch my head and talk to me , some even give me treats . Thursday after noon my friends Ardel and Wendy came to take me on a walk . We had a great time . We walked 50 ( 2 ) miles in 4 ( 1 ) hours and I didn 't have to get picked up one time . I tried but they kept saying I wasn 't fooling them . I was tired when we got back so I got to get in the truck and sleep for 10 ( 2 ) hours . When I got up I heard people asking where 's Oden . I got out of the truck and got some great scratches . Friday we went and did the same thing . Again I got to go on a long walk for a long time , ( you know why I 'm not putting numbers down , mr . Know it all will change them ) . I met a new friend today . His name is Enzo . Enzo is the same age as me , 9 months , but much bigger , about 30 feet tall , believe me even if Jim changes it he is 30 feet tall . ( about 25 inches at the shoulder and 50 lbs . ) I walked right up to Enzo and began playing . We had a great time . I jumped on him then sometimes he would push me out of the way with his paw and I 'd go flying only to get up and go back . He is fun to play with . If he got too rowdy I would wrap my leash around his back legs and that would slow him down . Enzo came by the next two days and I got play time with him . Not only playing with him was fun but I got to roll around in the dirt . The next two day were pretty much the same . I slept got up to sThursday June 14 Jim told me this morning we are going to a training class for you tonight Oden . I 'm excited a training class for me , yahoo . I wonder what it is . I know we got into the truck to take a ride , I did ok . We got out at this place and what do you think I saw , about a thousand , ( 10 ) dogs wanting to be my friend . There were little dogs and big dogs . They were all friendly to me and of course I was friendly to them . We went inside and a lady started talking . I think I 've seen her before at the shelter where I stayed for 20 years . She is nice and I 'm pretty sure she gives out treats . Yep she finally gave me some treats after other dogs got theres . I really think I was being good enough to get some first . The truck ride home was fun . My stomach didn 't get upset or any thing . I just sat up on the arm rest and watched the world go by . In the afternoon Jim and I went to the suites , ( I don 't know why they call them that , they don 't seem sweet to me . One of them was really messy so Jim cleaned it while I checked for anything on the floor . When Jim went out the door he let me go with him without my leash . I was going to go in the next door but decided to walk all the way down to the other end of the building . There was something there to sniff so I was forced to it . Jim kept calling me but my nose was busy . I started to go down the steps when I head a firm " no " from Jim so I ran back to where he was and was instantly put on my leash . After that we went to the office to see all my friends . I really like going up there there are sooooo many people to see and get pets from . When I got to Gill 's office she picked me up and said to Jim that she thought Oden should be off his leash in the office . Great idea now I can go see who every I want with out any one telling me different . After Gill finished petting and scratching me I ran to Ardels office to get more scratches from her . Then out of nowhere a ball appeared . It was great I got to chase it and then Chris came in and played with me and the ball . It was a lot of fun . I got to bring the ball home and play some more . We slept in until almost 8 am . It 's cloudy out . Last time it looked like that that rain stuff kept landing on me . I hope it doesn 't happen again . I 'm having a great time playing . Running around our home and every once in a while I make Jim take me outside . When we come in Jim says shake and picks up my right paw , then scratches me and tells me I 'm a good boy . Might be something to that . I think I 'll just put up my paw when he says shake and get bonus scratches . A dog can 't have enough scratches , pets and praise . I made him go out again and when we came in Jim said " Oden , shake " . I put my paw up and he took it and then just scratched me and told me what a good boy I was . Man I trained him pretty fast to give extra scratches . Tuesday May 29 Last weekend was Memorial Day Weekend . Lots of things happen on Memorial Day weekend , racing at Indy , picnics , BBQs , track activity , and most important , remembering those who served our country and made it so I could write this . Thanks to those Military people , past , present and future . I got to go to the track on Sunday and Monday . I hung out in Jim 's truck and slept or looked out at the cars . Jim would come over and say hi and pet me when he had a chance , about every 10 hours . I really had a good time . Jim has been taking me for rides in the truck more lately and I 'm doing pretty good . Something I learned . When Jim puts me the truck and then says scoot over , he wants me to get out of his seat , so I do . I do it for two reasons , I don 't want to get sat on and I get scratches for it . The last reason is the best . May 30 Life is good for me , Oden . I met a new friend the other day , Eli . He belongs to Sandy . He 's a friendly little guy . I stress little , he is smaller than me and still a little shy . He is also a lot younger . My best friend Dulee just looks at both of us like were nuts when we got to playing too much I am laughing so hard I can barely write this . In fact …………………… . sorry I 'm not laughing as hard now . What made me laugh was something Jim said . I was bugging him to go outside , you know the normal stuff , little squeaks and low barking and jumping on his knee . Jim said just a moment Oden , you can wait . Then he said , and this is what got me laughing so hard , " remember Oden , humans are always right " . Now I ask is that the funniest thing you have ever heard . I let Jim think he is right but come on I 'm a cute cuddly dog , I 'm always in charge . Yesterday Jim brought home a new toy for me . ( Probably because I ate the stuffing out of my other one . ) The new one makes two different sounds . It 's nice to get something new sometimes . Yesterday when Jim and I were walking I smelled something strange . At first I jumped back , then I started following it . I don 't know what it is but I kept my nose to the ground and followed it all around our home and down toward Dulee 's . Jim asked what I smelled , " is it a raccoon Oden ? " I don 't know what a raccoon is but that is as good an explanation as any . I don 't think I like this thing so I 'll keep an eye and a nose on it . In the evening when Jim watches TV I like to lay on his chest and sleep . It gets me ready for later in the night when I do laps in the trailer . Some times I have to run right over Jim if he is in the lap path . After laps it 's time to go outside and walk around . Last night while I was allowing Jim to escort me around in the dark , I heard something and smelled something in the brush . It scared the be gibers out of me . I ran away from that area . When I stopped I decided I could take on any thing and ran back to where it was . I must have scared it because what ever IT was left the area when I Oden returned I woke up early this morning , about before the sun came up , ( 5 : 45 ) , but I had to get outside really fast . Jim took me out and I did all I had to do in 5 minutes of less . Then we went back in . Jim had to go somewhere , I really don 't know where somewhere is but I know he goes there almost every time he leaves , " Oden , I have to go somewhere " , he says to me . When he came back we went outside and walked round a little and then got into the truck . Here I go again . Yepee , huraaaa , super dupper , finally , I did not get sick . In fact I didn 't even come close . I felt great the whole time . We went to the paddock , ( now I know what it is , a big area of nothing ) . We stopped and visited Ann and everyone in her office . We stopped at Skip Barber Racing School to return some things to Ernie . Then we went up to the main office to visit every one . I stopped at the front desk to do my first visit . While I was getting petted I heard a voice come in the door . It was my friend Gill , she picked me up and we went back to her office where I got to sit on her lap and get scratched and petted for about 6 hours , ( 5 minutes ) . Then I went to visit my friend Jim in his office but he wouldn 't share his lunch with me ? I went to Ardelle 's office but she wasn 't there so we headed for the door , first I had to stop and say hi to Conner then head for the door . We sure headed for the door a lot without getting there . One the way I saw Ardelle so I stopped and got some pets and hugs , I really like scratches pets and hugs . We drove home but on the way we stopped to see my friend Dulee . He has some great toys . I played with them while Dulee just sat and watched . Once in dog language , humans don 't understand that , he told me I should slow down , to watch the world go by . OK I will . Next time I visit Dulee I 'll have to ask him what slow down and world are . Then we came home . When I 'm at home I like to see out . To do that I have to get up on something , ( don 't forget I 'm only 6 " tall and a whopping 10 lbs ) , like the couch , the table or the bed . Jim doesn 't mind the couch or the bed but doesn 't like me on the table . It might be because there is not only a window but good chewing stuff , you know wires and things like that . Well he went and put up some kind of barriers so I can 't get on the table . Oh well it 's temporary , I 'm sure I can find a way up there , then the wires are all mine . Wednesday May 16 New discovery and it is a BIG ONE . There is something hanging off my back . I have chased all morning and only caught it once . It makes me dizzy when I chase it and the one time I caught it hurt . Jim keeps calling it a tail , but I 'm not sure . It makes me a little uncomfortable having that thing behind me . I think I 'll try sneaking up on it . That didn 't work . I can 't figure out how it stays just out of reach most of the time and it 's as fast as I am . This evening Jim and I went for our usual walk , down the stairs by Dulee 's home . While walking on the road below us I met another dog . I don 't know what his name is but he was not attached to any thing and he was mean to me . Jim was not very happy . Some one called it but it didn 't go so they had to come over and get that mean dog . When he was gone holly bee gee bers another dog appears not attached to anything . This one was only a pup but he kept chewing on my ear . We played for a while then he went inside also . Thanks goodness , my ear was getting sore . Jim says there is another big race weekend coming up so I think I 'm excited . I better go to bed and get ready . You know there is a difference between sleeping and going to bed . When I sleep I 'm ready at the littlest noise to get up . When I go to bed its for 7 to 9 hours and I don 't move fast when I get up . I am a puppy and need my beauty sleep . Friday May 18 I was rudely woken up by that buzzing noise . If I can ever figure out what makes that noise me and my teeth will do what we can to prevent that from happening any more . Jim turned it off but since I was so harshly woken up I decided it was time to play and go outside . I bothered Jim until he took me out and I didn 't hurry when I got there . I must have kept him out there for a good 10 hours , ( 20 minutes ) . Back in we finally went , of course my decision . There were a lot of loud cars out on the track today . The noise didn 't really bother me . I was still able to sleep and chew , what else is there other than eat . There was one car that sounded different than any other one I had heard . It had more of a winey noise and sound really fast . When Jim got home I asked him what is was and he said it was a 2003 F - 1 car . I said ok thanks . Ha , Ha , Ha I fooled you on the last one , every one knows people can 't speak dog . Monday May 21 Wow , I 've been at Jim 's a month , can you believe it a whole month . Time to celebrate , yaaaaaaaa hooooooooo . I 'm really glad Jim brought me here I hope I get to stay for 100 years . Here are the questions though , what is a month and how long is 100 years ? I don 't know the answer to either but they sounded good . By the way I am now 9 months old . I 'm still a puppy and can get away with stuff . ( Actually I think I 'll be able to fool Jim forever into thinking I 'm a puppy so I can continue to get away with stuff . Remember , I 've already established , he 's easy . ) I started training Jim on a couple of things last week and so far results are 50 50 . When he want 's me to come in I either don 't pay attention to him or I look right at him with my best aren 't I cute look or sit and lean back with my best stubborn look . There are two that work most of the time , don 't pay attention or cute look . The stubborn look doesn 't seem to work at all he just goes inside and shuts the door . After about 3 hours he opens it and I run in . I 'll keep perfecting the first two . The second thing I 've been trying is not taking a treat because I want a different one . Well that doesn 't work at all . The treat just gets droppend on the floor . The good thing is I get to have fun picking it up . First I sniff then jump back , then jump up then jump around . Finally I pick it up and either hide it or eat it . I got cheese today . Jim gave me CHEESE . Wooooooooooow it was good . He is just a good master giving me cheese because he could . What is that thing you are putting down my throat ? Oh well I may as well swallow it . Jim said something about fleas , heartworm and other things . Ooooooooh , cheese again . I 'm telling you Jim is just plain nice to me . Another great morning . I got some cheese again and some kind of pill again . I 'm beginning to think cheese is good but something not so good is coming after . Doesn 't matter the cheese is still good . Jim said it was supposed to make me feel ok when I ride in the truck . I hope so because I really like riding around with Jim . Here we go , the truck door is open , I 'm going to jump in on my own . 10 steps back , run forward as fast as I can , front paws hit the inside floor , back the running board and push . I made it with a little help from Jim . Ok let 's get this truck on the road . Wow neat saying for a dog wonder where I got that . I got up on the center console and sat . I can see the road so I think it 's going to be ok . There is a lot of liquid coming out of my mouth . Jim says I 'm drooling but it is ok . I made it all the way to the vets office , everything stayed in my stomach . Celebration time , come on . I heard that somewhere and this is a good time for celebration . We went into room where a lady took my temperature , that is NOT very pleasant . She said I was normal . Of course I 'm not normal , I 'm Oden , there is nothing normal about me . The vet came in , ( that 's what we dogs call our doctor , a vet , not to be confused with someone who served in the military ) . She looked at me and said she remembered me from last time I was here . She looked at my teeth and said I had one baby tooth still in but it would be ok for now . Then I went over and had a bath , got my nails trimmed and hair around my eyes trimmed . It felt good . What I don 't know is where Jim went . He was gone for 20 hours , he 'll change that to some random number he picks , ( 2 hours ) , told ya ! After that we went to the County Animal Shelter , the place Jim found me . We took a plant for the ladies who helped us get together . It was nice to say hi again and then leave . It was mostly nice to leave , that place scares me a little . Then we rode home . I didn 't throw up one time . Wa , wa , wa hoooooooooooo ! I heard it 's Mothers day , Happy Mothers Day everyone , and Happy Mothers Day to my mom , where ever she is . Last week I went to the office and met Gill . She is a very nice lady and I like her a lot , she is one of my friends . She said I should have some kind of card so I have it . I only ware it when I have on my harness , ( something else new I have ) , so it won 't drag on the ground . My friend Wendy said I still can 't go in the paddock with it . ( i 've heard that word before but I don 't know where . ) Nuts I can 't go in the paddock , I want to go in the paddock because there might be something good to sniff or eat there . There is one thing about the paddock , what is it and where is it ? Soooo many thing I don 't know yet . This week has been exciting , more new things . Jim was saying a major race is coming Oden . He said he hoped the noise from the ALMS cars wouldn 't bother me . It didn 't . The worse thing was I had to spend time in the trailer by myself . The only reason I know that is I was able to shred more paper than usual . Jim would come up and check sometimes but by best friend Ardelle , she is Bert 's mom , came up and walked me and sometimes I would sneak into her office and hang out . Other than chewing and sleeping , hanging out is one of the things I really like to do , and I 'm very good at it . One day Bobbie came with her and we went for a long walk . I was sooo happy I didn 't even make them pick me up , I tufted it out . I said before I would tell you about my friends . My friends are the best . I like to be around them , they say my name and give me pets , scratch my ears , and let me sit on their lap . My friends are everyone I meet . I like everybody and their hands . I have a saying " I never met a pair of hands I didn 't like " , ( pretty good for a 8 month old dog huh ? ) I hope I don 't forget anyone . I met some new friends a few days ago , Einstein , Sassy and her brother whose name I can 't remember . Einstein is the master of Bill and Doff and Sassy and her brother keep Manny and Jean in line . Monday , May 14 We slept in today all the way to 6 : 45 . Of course I didn 't get up until 5 hours later ( 15 minutes ) . Then we went outside and I did nothing . I was able to keep Jim out for 20 minutes . I believe thats a record . Well we finally came in for about 6 hours , ( 25 minutes ) and I convinced Jim I needed to go out . Out we went and I finally did some of my business , but decided to hold off on the other . Finally went in for however long , ( I 'm not putting a time because Jim keeps changing it , I 'm a dog I don 't know anything about time , except when its time . This time I finished everything and we came in . Then I decided to go out again so I made Jim crazy until he took me out , then in , then out , then in , then out , then in . Of course every time Jim wanted me to go in I sat and refused to go in so Jim had to pick me up . It was great fun and I got a treat every time . Jim said something about putting me in a penalty box . I guess he didn 't do it because I haven 't been in any thing ; yet . I don 't think I will ever get tired making Jim walk around where I want to go . It is especially fun first thing in the morning before he has his coffee . I really have to do my business after a long nights sleep , but it is a lot more fun to watch Jim walk around , in a daze , following me . I think 15 minutes was the longest I 've make him stay out . One of my tricks is to do one thing and when he wants to go in I sit and look at him with sad pleading eyes . Works every time , back walking we go . Wow I 'm slipping , it 's been a few days since I written anything . Jim 's been real busy pressure washing the suite / garage building , what ever they are . He 's really tired when he gets home . I do my best to make him feel better . I make him walk me around for a while then when we get inside I jump on him and look right in his eyes and nip at his nose . He laughs and hugs me so I guess I 've done my job . I did get a little board while he was gone for so long so I found one of his sweatshirts the other day and chewed the zipper . It was a lot of fun , until Jim got home . He was really not happy with me . He staid mad ant me for almost 5 minutes , at least that 's what he said . ( I have no idea how long 5 minutes is ) . I had to really put on my best face and jump up and sit beside him stuff . As usual it worked . I guess I better not chew any clothes again . This evening Jim and I went for a ride in the dreaded truck . ( that 's the truck in the back ground , only picture of the truck I could find ) I really want to ride and be good but my stomach doesn 't . I tried to jump in the truck , that didn 't work , but Jim helped me in . He said we were going to the paddock . Jim rolled down the window on my side of the truck so I could put my front legs up on the arm rest and stick my nose out the window . Geez o pete , It worked . My stomach didn 't get goofy and I felt good when we got down there . Coming back he did the same thing and it worked again . Maybe I can lick this riding thing . I should be able to I lick every thing and everyone else . When we got back we went walking and I was sooooo happy about riding in the truck I did my business as fast as I could . Then we just sat outside and watched the world go by . I should say Jim watched I sniffed everything and chewed on my toy . The world is really too high for me to see it go by . We got up early for reasons only known to Jim . I should say he got up and I stayed curled up between the pillows . Eventually I got up and we went out for the morning walk . Holy be - gebbers , there 's something falling on my head . Jim said we had to hurry because it 's raining out . OK , if that stuff falling is rain , I don 't like it . I kept having to shake myself off . It was kina fun when I found the brown mushy stuff . It 's fun to walk in . I think it 's mud because Jim kept saying " Oden , get out of the mud " The rest of the day was spent shredding a magazine while Jim was gone . That was more fun than anything . When Jim came in all he said was a thousand pieces , while he was shaking his head . I guess I did well . It 's now 730 pm and I 'm telling you , what a day , what a day , what a day . I had more new stuff happen than anything I can remember . Loud cars , lots of people , outside all day , stuff to roll in , a really long walk , my nose down a hole . More hands petting me than I can remember . Details below . I think tomorrow because I 'm really tired . We got up at 0 dark thirty , again I need to clarify , Jim got up and I staid in bed until I felt like it and then we went out for our morning walk . There were houses everywhere . I looked down and they were covering every inch of space below us , as far as my eyes could see . ( note I 'm about 6 " off the ground so I don 't see really far ) . Jim got ready and we went to the paddock gate . I staid in the truck and Jim got out and was talking to a lot of people . He finally go me out of the car and put up a chair for my shade he said and attached me to a cooler . ( I only know those words because that 's what he called them . ) Cars kept coming by and I heard my name a bunch . Then all of a sudden the world got really loud . I looked out on the race track and there were a bunch of cars going by . Oh well I decided I just laid down . It seemed all day some one came by , said my name and scratched my head and said what a cute dog I was . I really liked everyone petting me . It started wearing me out so I laid down to rest as often as possible . About some time during the day Ardelle , my friend , came by and asked Jim if I could go on a walk with her and Windy , my friend . ( those aren 't my only friends around , every one is . One of these days I 'll tell you about all of them . I even have one person , Jean who said she would be my nanny . So now I have a nanny and a lot of dog setters . ) What the heck was I talking about ? Oh yea the walk . We started off up a hill and I was as excited and one dog can get . Well we walked and walked and walked and walked and I finally had to try to convince one of them the pick me up and I worked Ardelle broke first and I got carried for a while . Then back down and more walking , I was have fun , run , walk , bounce , run , walk , bounce . Soon we were back were Jim was . I said good by , drank a bunch of water and laid down in the shade . Whoo eee , I was tired . After a nap ay was woke up by some one calling my name and wanting to pet me some more . How can a day get any better , HOW ? It just got better . I went up the hill from where I was and found a hole . What is so good about a hole , it smelled like something . I did the only dogly thing to do , dug a little and stuck my nose down in as far as I could , it smelled great . I don 't know what is was but I 'm pretty sure I was suppose to dig some more so out I came , before my paws could get to work Jim said , Oden get out of that squirrel hole . Being the good dog I am I got out . I will find another one someday and try it again . I was out where Jim was and I found this really stinky stuff . It smelled great , no really great . I knew this would be a perfect cover for when I go hunting . No one would ever suspect Oden was stalking them because I would smell like s @ # $ . Just when I started to roll in it I heard No Oden . Again being a good dog I stopped . Again I 'll find something like that and I will get to roll in it . More of the same people stopped to pet me , talk to me and ignore Jim . I 'm sure one person came up and said to Jim , hi chopped liver where 's Oden . I heard people saying all day where 's Oden , I was tired but had a great time Saturday and Sunday at the track . I almost got to roll in that stuff again . |
love is the cause of most of life 's irrational decisions . to be led by love is almost foolish . so then that assumption could be made that foolishly , yet honestly , for i feel nothing else - - > i love you . They had made good progress . Velibor stood watch by the window of an old barn they had stopped in for the night . He had learnt the lady 's name was Maria . They were at the top of a hill , and once they were over it they would be decently safe for the night . Watching the distant war brought back memories of Antonya . He felt the need to cry , but couldn 't . He must be strong for this family , and help them to safety . Just then Maria walked up behind him and brought him a little blanket . She offered him some food and he ate gladly . She was good company , he thought . She knew that things were not okay , yet asked no questions . She understood . Maria caught Velibor smiling at her , and laughed at him . " Velibor , are you getting tired ? I will take watch if you want . " He smiled back , only just realising what he was doing . " Sorry , I didn 't mean to stare . I have a bad habit of that . Can 't sleep ? " They smiled in agreement , and conversation flowed like that for a long time . Soon the sun rose , and no sooner did the children . They ate quickly and began their journey again . He avoided the main road , as the further they travelled , the more people came up to them and asked to borrow one of the horses . But Velibor needed to move the family away and fast . He wanted to help everyone , but it was just not possible . They rode through many fields , barely stopping in case someone caught up on them and took a horse . By lunchtime they were over the hill and a fair distance from it . They were approaching a fairly large town , and decided to stop there for the night . It was then that Velibor realised he had no money . He turned to Maria , but she had nothing either . The children looked at them , wondering what was going on , when Velibor noticed the little boy sitting with him was playing with something . " What are you playing with there ? " The little boy laughed and emptied his pocket . The other children took out a few coins each as well . There was enough money to find them a place for tonight , and a few other things . Velibor had the biggest smile on his face , thinking of all the things he could do himself with that money , when it suddenly dawned on him that they had no idea where this money came from . " Bato , where did you find this ? " Maria said sternly to her son . " You put us in sleep and we got it mummy " he replied instantly , smiling at his mother . " Mum , " Elena , her oldest daughter spoke up " The hay that you told us to sleep in , we moved it around to make it more comfortable for us , and these coins started falling out . So while you were talking to Mr . Velibor , we went in turns to check the whole barn for money . We found lots , but couldn 't bring all of it , so we split it up into our pockets , carrying as much as we could , and we buried the rest . " Elena was maybe only eight years old . She was the oldest of all the children here . And the leader . If she did something , they did it too . Slowly she began to empty all of the coins that she had hidden , and the other children did too . Velibor stopped them quickly though . " Kids , hide the extra coins you just brought out of your pockets . If anyone sees that much money here , who knows what will become of us , and everyone will charge us too much money for somewhere to stay . " He gathered the coins they already had , and together they proceeded to enter the town . Just before the first house , he turned to the family . " I know this may be uncomfortable for you , but for us to get a good place to sleep and eat , I 'm going to have to pretend to be your father . So don 't call me Mr . Velibor when we get there and people are around . Is that okay ? But remember , this is just pretend , and only while we 're here . Okay ? " The children seemed uneasy about this , and all looked to Maria . She smiled and nodded to them , and together they entered the town . Many of the first places rejected Velibor . Some houses were eager to take him until he mentioned that he had a wife and kids with him . He came towards the end of the main road , with things not looking too good for him . He decided to try one more house . " Maria , if this house doesn 't work , we 'll just grab something to eat and then ride out into the country and find another place to stay out there . I 'm sorry children . " With a bowed head , he tried the last house . It was a very big house , double - storey , and very antique . He was pretty sure that they wouldn 't get accepted into this house . An old man opened the front door , and was surprised to see him there . " Why hello young man ! This is quite new . Usually the only visitors I receive is the town officials asking for money . What can I do for you ? " Velibor smiled half - heartedly . " Me and my family , my wife and children here , we 're looking for a place to stay . We 're escaping the coming war . We can pay you , help you in any way if you need it , just please , you 're our last hope . " He was almost in tears . He really wanted to help this family , and he felt like he would fail if he couldn 't find them beds for tonight , and food as well . But the elderly man had a big smile on his face . " Company ? You want to stay in my house ? I 'm honoured ! You can stay as long as you want to ! You can stay forever if need be ! This big house is so lonely and sad now that I am by myself . Come inside ! Please ! " He held out his hand for Velibor to shake , but Velibor hugged him . The children 's faces lit up , and they all rushed inside . Stopping in the foyer , they were amazed at the first sights of the house . " I 'm sorry it 's not very clean . I 'm old and fairly poor , I can 't afford to pay a maid anymore . I do try to clean though . " Maria called all the children to her , and they began to talk in hushed voices . The elderly man began to talk to Velibor . " My name is Marius by the way , but you may call me whatever you wish . I am so pleased that you would come to me for help . Would you like to see your rooms ? " He led them a grand staircase and onto the second level of the house . " This level " he said , opening his arms " is all yours . " " But what about you Mr . Marius ? Where will you sleep ? " Marius laughed at Maria . " Darling , I live downstairs . I am too old to walk up and down these stairs everyday . So this is all for you . " The children laughed and ran to the bedrooms , inspecting each one . They settled down , and then slowly one by one poured down the stairs to see Maria in the kitchen . She had begun cleaning up , and Elena called the children to follow suit . Marius had gone to have a midday rest . When he woke an hour later , the house was shining and spotless , and wonderful smells were coming from the kitchen . Maria had begun to cook up a late lunch with what there was in the kitchen . Velibor , on the other hand , had gone into town to find out news about the war . He walked into the first pub he saw , expecting to see some people there that would help him . He walked up to the bar , and began to talk to a man there . He didn 't know much , except for the fact that there was a senior messenger of the king staying in one of the inns on the other side of the town , and he was refusing to give information . Other than that , everyone knew the same thing : Serbia was slowly losing the war . He walked through town slowly , trying to learn more things and see what was going on . Not much was happening . Just many people worried about losing land , animals property and crops . He was almost towards the other end of the town , when an old lady standing in her doorway called out . " Velibor , Velibor ! Is that really you Velibor ? " She grabbed his arm and pulled him into her house . He didn 't recognise her the slightest bit , and she could tell . " You don 't remember me , do you ? " He shook his head , and she laughed . " I 'm Carol . I was Princess Antonya 's made until she left for Russia . I do not believe it , that you don 't remember me ! " he smiled , but was deeply hurt at the thought of Antonya . He was dieing to know how she was . So he asked her , and they sat there for a very long time , telling stories . He learnt how Antonya had not smiled since she had heard news of Velibor 's supposed death in the war , and in general her depression . His heart broke at this news . But what iced the cake of his pain was hearing how she was rumoured to be courting the Tsarevich . Velibor 's heart shattered , and he could feel his eyes burning with tears . Carol offered him dinner , or something to drink , but he felt the sudden need to run . He promised Carol he would return soon and they could talk more , but he had to leave . Walking through the door , as soon as she was out of sight , he ran , and he ran for ages . He entered the house , and things didn 't feel right here anymore , but he ignored it . He ran up to the room he shared with Bato ( who insisted on sleeping with him after their journey together ) and collapsed on the bed . The tears were burning his eyes as they fell to the sheets . He wanted to rip his heart out and burn it , to die , to leave this world . But even then he had nowhere to go . He lay there for a long time , letting his tears burn rivers into his cheeks , his heart beat and bruise his chest . Eventually , the tears stopped flowing . He felt dead and empty inside , weak and hopeless . With a defeated spirit , he walked downstairs to find Maria and the children . But no one was there . He walked all throughout the house , his heart starting to come to life as he realised things weren 't right here . There was no smell of cooking or cooked food , no dishes left from dinner or lunch . He ran upstairs to check the rooms , and none of the beds had been touched . He found another door and followed that , wondering what could be there , but there were only more stairs . They lead to an attic , but no one was in there . He began to search it , looking through various things for any sign of where they had gone , when he barely heard the sound of a door handle closing . Looking in the direction from whence it came , he saw a small door concealed by boxes , and ran up to it . ' the rest of the house is empty ' he thought ' so here goes ! ' Making sure the door wasn 't locked , he closed it gently , only to see little Bato standing in front of him . " You take too long Mr . Velibor ! " He looked at where he was . It was like an indoor jungle , one of the most beautiful gardens he had seen . Suddenly , in the corner of his eye , he saw Bato disappear through the trees , and he ran after him . It was like a maze . Running in and out of the trees , through bushes , under fallen trees and over small bridges , then finally Bato stopped . " You have to be really quiet " he whispered " and watch your head , or its going to get very hurt . " He pulled Velibor to his knees , and made him sit down . Then he pushed him very hard . It was like a slide , and it wouldn 't stop . Velibor was worried if Bato had followed him , or if he was just a pigment of his imagination . But sure enough , he was behind him . And just as he saw him , a branch hit him across the head . " Keep your head to the ground Mr . Velibor ! " He whispered , laughing as Velibor rubbed his head . After what seemed an eternity , they reached the end , and he just sat there , rubbing his head . Bato frowned at him , and pulled him to his feet . " Mr Velibor , if you don 't hurry up , we are going to miss dinner , and mummy doesn 't like it when I 'm late . Come on ! " Velibor chuckled and got up , following Bato . They ran through some more trees and bush , until Bato stopped . Velibor wasn 't paying attention , and kept running , going straight into him . Bato laughed , brushed off the dirt on his otherwise spotless clothes , and laughed at Velibor , sitting there on the floor , covered in mud . " Mummy doesn 't like dirty people to eat her dinner . You 're gonna be in big trouble Mr Velibor . " He closed Velibor 's eyes and held his hand , walking him slowly through the forest . Velibor had come to realise that they were no longer in the garden in Marius ' house . They stopped walking , and Velibor heard the sound of a door opening . He was walking on stone now , form what he could guess , and started to worry that he had trusted a despoke Antonya walked through the corridor and down into the courtyard . Cristian had told her to go and spend time with Alexandre . She walked into the courtyard , and stood just behind where she thought he was sitting , wondering what to say . What to do . She began to shiver a little in her thin dress as a light shower started . His arms wound around her , and she jumped with his touch . She hadn 't expected him to be behind her , but she settled into his arms anyway . He was so warm . He hugged her tightly , and began to kiss her hair . " I 'm sorry , Antonya , I really am , if it was my fault you were upset . I didn 't want to hurt you . I never wanted to hurt you . I 'm sorry . " She said nothing , only turned around and hid in his arms . " I 'm sorry too Alexandre . I … I … I guess I just don 't know what 's wrong with me . " She began to cry in his arms , finding safety in the strength of his embrace . She wanted to stay like this with him forever . He stroked her hair . The rain started to get stronger so they moved just under the cover of the corridor . Cristian was in shock . After everything , he had trusted them so much , believed every word they said , and all they really wanted was the Serbian throne . He was angry . Running to Antonya 's room , he realised he wouldn 't find her there , so he walked passed the courtyard . They seemed so happy together , and it seemed to help him feel even more isolated . Surely Marco had heard everything too , yet all he did was shoot Cristian the kind of look that spells ' you - are - dead - when - this - is - finished ' . He thought of all people , his own father would have understood . He would have to tell Antonya some other day , but how to tell her ? Oh , he didn 't know . He ran to his room . He sat outside on his balcony that faced towards the busy city below . In the sky above the sun was slowly setting , painting new colours in the sky on the clouds . A soothing calm began to take over him , and he felt like himself again . He sat there for a long time , thinking , as he watched the sun set . Moscow was supposed to be a break for Antonya , not another nightmare after everything that had happened . He didn 't know how to tell her , but he had to warn her about Gatchina . The bells started to ring for dinner , but he didn 't want to go . How could he ever be in the same room as those treacherous , deceptive , lying cheats again ? His heart began to burn for revenge again , and he decided to stay put in his room . If he was hungry , he could always go and visit Andrei later . It started to get very cold outside , so Cristian walked indoors and sat on his bed , staring out the window . Eventually , he ended up falling asleep there . Antonya and Alexandre had made it to dinner , after much debate about whether they should leave or not , but Alexandre 's hunger won . They ate quickly , but something was wrong in the room . It felt awkward to be sitting there . Marco was eating quietly , not making much conversation , and the Tsar and Tsarina were being obnoxiously loud . The rest of the room was filled with hushed whispers , and that 's when Antonya realised what was missing . Cristian was not there . It wasn 't like him to miss out on dinner , he loved food . She caught Marco 's eye , wanting to figure out if he knew anything , but he smiled vaguely and returned to his food . After dinner , she was talking quietly to Alexandre , when Marco walked up . " Marco , I 'm terribly sorry , but do you mind if I talk to her a while ? " Alexandre smiled and squeezed Antonya 's hand . " I 'll talk to you later , or maybe tomorrow , okay ? " She smiled , saying nothing in return , and left with her uncle . He escorted her on a long walk through the castle , making small talk , asking about her and how she was enjoying Moscow so far now . Soon the lights went out in the Tsar and Tsarina 's quarters , and he marched her quickly to Cristian 's room . " I 'm awfully sorry Antonya , I was just waiting for them to go to sleep , and for the rest of the castle to follow suit . Help me wake up your cousin . " She jumped on Cristian 's bed , only to get up again and close his balcony doors . It was freezing in his room . The head Butler came for a word with Marco before retiring for the night , all the fires were lit and a maid came back with dinner for Cristian , strawberries for Antonya and vodka for Marco . The princess started to worry . Her uncle hardly ever drank , unless he was very happy , or extremely worried . This didn 't seem to be a happy occasion . " So , you gonna tell her , or am I Cristian ? " Cristian looked up from his food , surprised that Marco was saying this . He thought they were just having some awkward family time . " I thought you were angry at me for that … " he hinted . Marco shook his head , and they sat in silence while Cristian finished his meal . The maid came in from outside the doorway and took the empty plater away . Cristian began , and recounted to her everything that he had heard . Marco added in a few historical details about Russia , and Antonya felt sick . She walked out onto the balcony , not sure what to do . Why ? She loved Alexandre . Cristian came up behind her , and stood next to her , as they leaned on the rails looking out on the nightlife of the town below . Marco stood between them , and wrapped his arms around both of them . Bursting into tears , they stood there very late into the night , consoling each other , trying to find a solution to this problem . Antonya and Cristian stayed up all night , staring out into the stars , mostly in silence . The night was clear and the air was fresh thanks to the rain earlier in the day . She just wanted to cry , but there were no tears left . Cristian sat in silence . Occasionally , he would ask her if she was cold , and wanted to go inside . He could feel her shivering , but she refused . Eventually he got tired of just sitting there , and together Antonya and Cristian moved into his room . He didn 't want to stay there , where he was constantly able to stare out his window and see the Tsar 's quarters . Without words she understood his discomfort . Drawing the curtains wouldn 't ease the pain . They wandered around the castle to her room , and she dressed in warmer clothes and picked up a coat . They walked out of the castle gates . Antonya had no care in the world for where they went . Her cousin was one of the only people that he had now . Velibor was dead and gone ; Marco had a castle and businesses to run , he didn 't need her ; her parents were never really concerned about her ; and although she loved Alexandre she had to keep away from him . It just wasn 't safe anymore . From somewhere inside her tears came again . Cristian linked his arm in hers and guided her slowly through wherever they were walking . Antonya had no idea where they were now . He led her along an uphill path . He stopped at something , but Antonya 's eyes hurt and she couldn 't tell anymore where she was or what was going on . She heard a door creak open , and was met with a freezing cold breeze . Cristian walked her in , and sat her down on something soft . She tried to rub her eyes to see what was going on , but it didn 't help . He lit a fire and sat next to his cousin . For some strange reason , Antonya felt a sudden peace being here , and an instant need to sleep . Cristian was happy . She was at peace , somewhat . This place always helped him when nothing else could . He lay her down on the small bed there , and she slept almost instantly . Sitting on a couch nearby , he stared at the fire for a long time . Alexandre was a good guy . He wasn 't like what he remembered of Velibor . He cared . He had heart . What 's more , as far as Cristian could tell , he really loved Antonya . Or , if it wasn 't love , he at least had very strong feelings for her . He never saw much of that in Velibor . Morning light shone into the cabin , and the fire was burning slowly , yet the two that slept inside did not stir . One slept on the couch and the other slept in the bed . The sun rose a little higher in the sky , and the birds singing lost volume . Still they slept . The fire was made of slowly dying embers , and the cabin was filled with light . He walked along the path , just knowing that he would find them here . Cristian always came here when he didn 't know what to do . He walked up to the door and looked through the window . It was nearly lunchtime , and here were his two favourite people , still fast asleep . The fire was nearly dead too . Slipping through the door quietly , he sat down near the fire and sparked it up again . He opened the bag he had carried with him on the table and bought out an apple to eat , sitting on one of the chairs there . Antonya was just starting to wake up , when she heard a door open . From the corner of her eye , she could see her cousin fast asleep on the couch opposite . The shadow moved in the door quietly . She was guessing it was a man , as he chuckled quietly to himself . She pretended to sleep . " My Princess Antonya " the shadow laughed " you are absolutely hopeless at pretending to sleep . Hungry ? " A wave of relief swept over her , recognising the voice instantly . " Uncle Marco ! " she almost yelled with relief , running into his arms . Cristian stirred on the couch , and got up slowly . " I was wondering when you were going to get up , Antonya . You first started moving when the first birds were singing . " he mumbled . They all sat around the table , and Marco brought out breakfast for them . " Couldn 't sleep last night Cristian ? " he asked , as they ate . " Nah , not really . I don 't know what to do about those lying , disgusting , cheating , stealing … " " Alright , alright , you eat your breakfast " Marco interrupted , realising not much had settled inside Cristian 's head . Antonya smiled though , eating heaps of food . " What is this place Marco ? " " Oh . " He said , not sure where to begin . " It 's my place " Cristian jumped in " so I 'll explain it . " Not really fussed , they sat back in their chairs to listen to Cristian 's story . When he first came to Moscow , he hated it . He used to go into the woods when Marco wasn 't looking and try and run back to Serbia to be with people he knew . He found this cabin one time that he was running , and decided to stop and enter it . It was deserted and very dusty , but he cleaned it up . He stayed there for three days while Marco had people searching all over the city for him . It wasn 't until Marco decided to hike into he woods and search there himself that he found the cabin along a concealed track . He didn 't think Cristian would have been in there , but there he was , sleeping peacefully on the bed . " This place reminds me of Serbia . Remember how we used to run down to the bottom of the courtyards and play all day in the wooden cabins ? I came here and I thought , wow . I 've found a new cabin . All I have to do is get passed the forest and I 'll find the castle again . " She walked over to the little bookshelf in the corner just next to the bed . There weren 't many books , and nothing that interested her . She noticed a few of Cristian 's books sitting there , and spare clothes for him sitting in the chest at the end of the bed . " Uncle Marco , I think that I should go to Gatchina with Alexandre . " She concluded , having just had a thought . He was surprised at this , and Cristian wasn 't sure to what think . She explained to them that they couldn 't really do much to her in Gatchina , it was so far away from Serbia , and they would have to confirm everything with her parents before they planned any sort of marriage , let alone an engagement . Cristian decided he would go to keep an eye on his cousin . Marco couldn 't commit to going , but he promised to visit often . So together they had it decided , Antonya and Cristian were in one week to leave for Gatchina with Alexandre . Velibor and Sadif had become good friends . They had been staying together for a good week now . Velibor helped Sadif set a lot of things up around the farm , and the horses had actually started to like him . Sadif taught him how to ride , and although he was still not the best at it , Sadif thought he seemed natural at it . Back at the castle , King Vladan was not happy . Reports had reached him of how his daughter was in Russia , and that was all well , her courting with the Tsarevich could mean great help from Russia in the war . But the war was not going too well . Ever since Princess Antonya had left for Serbia , and Velibor had died , it seemed things had spiralled downwards . He had put out the call for people to donate horses and food towards the war effort , and for more men to come forward . He 'd expected some delay , but it had been three days already . Bastian , a messenger from the king knocked on the front door of the house . It had been a long day , and he was hoping that a friendly woman would have some food for him , or at least some kind stranger to open the door and let him rest for a night there . But no , a rough looking young man opened the door . " Hey . What do you want ? " " Umm , I 'm a messenger from the great King Vladan , asking people to answer his call for aid in the war efforts . Donations of food , money , horses , anything useful , even men to fight are accepted . The King promises rewards for all those who offer him aid . Will you ? " Sadif stood at the door , not sure what to do . He asked Bastian to wait there for a second while he went to consult Velibor on this . " Vel , there 's a messenger from the king at the door , he wants aid for the war . " " Oh . So ? Why you telling me ? " Velibor started to get angry at the mention of what could have been his father - in - law . If this messenger had been around for at least the past four months , he would recognise Velibor straight away . Everyone who lived in the castle and the surrounding town knew him . Sadif saw his unease , and questioned it . " Are you still uneasy about the princess Velibor ? You know , I wasn 't thinking of joining the war ourselves , and these horses are starting to get lazy from little exercise . What do you say we donate them ? " There was a pause , as the idea processed in Velibor 's head . " Do you mind if I invite him in ? He looks seriously tired and hungry . " Vel sighed , and realised the past was going to catch up with him sooner or later . " Yeah , I guess . If it gets too much I 'll just go to my room or something . " Bastian was sitting on a fallen log just outside the house , throwing small pebbles from the ground across the garden . I don 't blame anyone for not wanting to give up anything for this war . It must seem so unreal out here to these people . The only difference is the lack of men working in and around the fields , he thought . Not only that , but the country areas were already very poor . Not to mention the fact that if Serbia kept up the downfall the war would hit these people and towns first . They probably want to keep everything so they can make a quicker escape . Suddenly the front door opened again , breaking Bastian 's train of thought . " I bet you 're hungry , or something like that . Tired at least . Come inside and join us . " Bastian was surprised at this offer . The widows always offered , and the single mothers , but never the men . He was happy though . At least he would get some warmth and rest , and some food other than the bread and dry meat he had packed . It was Velibor 's turn to cook , and the house smelt truly delicious . Sadif and Bastian were sitting by the fire discussing arrangements for the horses and food to be bought to the castle . Dinner was served soon after , and the trio sat in the dining room around the picture of the Serbian Royal Castle . " Isn 't he a good cook ? Oh , sorry , Bastian , this is Velibor ; Velibor , this is Bastian . " Sadif was laughing , enjoying his meal and the company he had , but Velibor had felt a sudden discomfort when he mentioned Bastian 's name . Something about him rang alarm bells in his head . They finished their meal , and moved near the fireplace to talk more before bed . Velibor realised where he recognised Bastian - he was the messenger who used to run errands for Princess Antonya . Just the thought of her and his heart began to burn . Not willing to reveal himself , he stood up discreetly and excused himself from the room . As soon as he was out of their sight he ran to his room and crashed on the bed . His eyes filled with tears as he realised how hopeless his life was to become . Forever running from representatives of the King , he would never know the life he used to have . He would never again see his darling Antonya . With that though his cries became uncontrollable , and he left the house through the door in the kitchen . It was pitch dark outside , but he didn 't care . What worse could happen to him , than the fate he had just chosen for himself ? He walked aimlessly , having no idea where he was headed , until he was so weak that he collapsed in renewed tears upon the ground . He woke , only to find himself in the middle of a strange field , not far from Sadif 's house . With swollen eyes he struggled back to the house only to find no one there . He entered the kitchen , washing his face with icy cold water . Sadif and Bastian had already eaten breakfast , but hadn 't cleaned up anything . He called out as he walked into the lounge , but no one was there . His searching became more frantic , looking in every room three to four times , calling louder and louder , trying to find them . It was a small house , where could they be ? Running to his room , he threw on a coat and sprinted out to the barn to check if they were there . The horses hadn 't been fed yet , so he did that quickly , and looked around the barn for the usual signs of Sadif . His coat hung up , any of the horses coats groomed , but there was nothing . He moved back to the house , and sat in the kitchen looking for some sign of his friend . Deciding he was hungry , he moved to the cupboard to find some food . The cupboard was empty . Velibor ran to Sadif 's room and looked for the one thing that he treasured most . Aside from a few clothes missing , that was gone too . Not a moment had passed when he began to hear screams from outside the house . Looking through the curtain , women and children were running passed the house . One woman came and knocked on the door . " I 'm sorry " she said , startled that anyone had opened the door . " We are friends of Sadif , is he home ? " Velibor looked at her , wondering how best to respond . " Sadif is not here " he replied softly , " he will be away for sometime . May I help you ? " " Oh … " she hesitated " Maybe its better if we just go then . " " Are you sure ? I am a very close friend of Sadif 's , I can help you if you want . " The lady turned around , paused , and looked at him . She had many little children around her , very anxiously looking behind her . " I . . You are not leaving to get away from the war ? " Sadif froze , and everything finally clicked . A messenger must have come after breakfast , telling them to move quickly . Sadif looked at the lady . " I am not sure yet . Maybe I will help you with what you need , since I am alone . I didn 't know the war was coming . What may I help you with ? " The lady broke down in tears , telling him her situation . They lived on a farm that was near the battlefield . The soldiers had killed her husband and taken the two oldest sons to fight in the war , telling her to take the children and run to safety . They had been running all night and most of the day , until she recognised Sadif 's house and sought help there . The war was quickly moving towards them , and all she was asking for was a place to hide . Sadif was rushing around the house , packing important things while she was talking . " Hmm . Sadif has no cellar here , so we will have no place safe to hide , and if the war reaches here they are sure to burn down the place . It is of no value . We must move . Quickly . " The woman stopped pacing , and stared , thinking . " We have run all night and most of the day . We are weak , and very tired . You are best to leave us here . We will be okay . " He stopped rushing and walked to the fire place , looking for Sadif 's prized egg . He found it , but underneath it was a little note , scribbled . Vel , sorry that I didn 't say goodbye , but the war is coming . You will read this eventually . Take whatever you need from the house and do what you have to . I trust you . Be safe my friend , hopefully we will meet again . Sadif . Packing the egg safely in his small bag of belongings , he began towards the kitchen . Then he stopped . Looking back , he asked " Do your children know how to ride ? " She was confused for a moment , but then understood . " Of course they do , except for the two youngest . " " Will you please take all the food that is of use to us and pack it in whatever bags you have brought ? I 'm going out for a second , I 'll be back quickly . Pack everything you need ! " The woman smiled , thankful for his action in her inaction . He came back with 5 horses , fully saddled up and ready to go . She had packed everything , and together they began saddling up the kids . He helped her onto his horse , handed her the youngest child , and jumped onto his horse pulling a young little boy to sit up with him . They galloped at full speed , Velibor doing his best to help the family . " Antonya , I 'm doing this for you , I love you " he breathed into the air . Antonya returned from her session with Luis , and sat in her room , eating a fresh platter of strawberries that Andrei had brought to her room earlier . One of the dresses that she had talked about with Luis was just like the dress she had that Velibor loved . Finding a sudden desire to wear the dress , she walked to her wardrobe and pulled it out . Just as she did , something fell out of the package and onto the floor , rolling under her bed . " Oh , no way ! " she exclaimed , and got down on her hands and knees to get it . Cristian had been talking to Alexandre , and Alexandre decided he had better go and apologise to Antonya , and try and make things work again . It was his own fault , out of pure jealousy , that things had messed up . He was walking through the corridors , when he heard her cry out in anger , and began to walk a little faster . He reached the doorway , only to see dresses thrown on the floor and half of a princess under a bed . The little package had rolled right to the other side of the bed , but the other side was against the wall , so she could not get it . She had to go right underneath the bed . Just as she got it , she heard footsteps in the doorway and she froze . Whoever it was , they were just standing there , watching her . Reaching a little further , she managed to get the package , but made no effort to move out from under the bed . " Hey , princess . Let me help you up . " Laughing , Alexandre stood by the bed and offered a hand to help her . A wave of relief swept through Antonya , and she let him help her . Getting up , Antonya put the dresses back and laid out the one she wanted on the bed . Alexandre sat on the bed and played with the material on the dress . " It 's so soft and thin ! " he said , wondering why on earth she wanted to wear this in such cold weather . She laughed , and he stepped out of the room while she changed . " You can come back now , if you 're still there . " She called , eating strawberries again . Sitting down on the bed , she found the package and wondered where it came from . " What 's this ? " Alexandre asked , taking the package from her and examining it . " Hey , isn 't this the crest of Serbia ? " he said , pointing to a little gold picture on the package . " Yes , " she said , looking at it closely . " That 's the emblem of the royal Serbian goldsmith ! Wow , I wonder what 's inside then ? " With excitement , she unwrapped the package carefully . There was a letter , which she folded and put inside the pocket of her dress , and the most beautiful little gold locket she had seen . There were white gold vines running along it , with rubies for flowers , and a little diamond heart in the middle . Opening it up , inside were the letters A V , ' life is not forever but our love is eternal ' was engraved on the other side . She recognised those words from somewhere , and they filled her with a deep sadness . Alexandre took the locket from her hands and put it around her neck . The gold looked so beautiful against her pale skin . " Princess , where did you find this ? It must have cost a fortune ! " She looked at Alexandre , thinking about it for a while , ' Oh ! It 's from that dress on the bed . It must have been in the pocket of the dress . " She looked at the dress , and instantly remembered . " Velibor " she whispered , and buried her face in the dress . Tears were welling up in her eyes but she didn 't want Alexandre to see . He put his arm around her and stroked her face . " Antonya " he soothed , and she wrapped her arms around him . " I missed you so much " he breathed into her ear . She didn 't know what to do . Just as she thought life was over with Velibor and that she actually might finally move on from him , he comes creaming back into her life . Alexandre sensed her tension , and held her tight . She buried her head in his chest , but refused to cry in his presence . " Antonya " he whispered " you know that i 'm always here for you . Things are twisted now , but I love you . You know that now don 't you ? " With tear - filled eyes she looked at Alexandre . He was so sweet , so pure , and she didn 't want to hurt him . She knew she would . Every man that had ever tried to court her had ended up hurt in someway or another . She could just see the hurt that would be in his eyes , th epain he would feel - no matter what she did . He held her , scared of her uncertainty and silence . She didn 't know what to do . Cristian was walking around the courtyards , looking for Alexandre . He was so bored , and badly in need of something to pre - occupy his time . He sat on the bench and began to think . He had just finished explaining Antonya to Alexandre . Then he disappeared to go eat , and Cristian hadn 't seen him since . He ran to Antonya 's room . At least if he 's not there , he thought to himself , I 'll have Antonya to annoy . Alexandre and Antonya were sitting together in silence in her room . Cristian came running around the corner and stopped just before the doorway to catch his breath . He walked in slowly , and sat on the other chair opposite them . The silence became awkward , and Cristian didn 't know what to do . Alexandre was fidgeting with his fingers , and Antonya was playing with the necklace around her neck . " Haven 't seen that one before " Cristian inquired , breaking the silence . Antonya looked at him , and looked at Alexandre , pleading with them to leave her alone silently . " Hey Alexandre , can you give us a second please ? " Cristian asked , standing up and walking towards Antonya . Looking puzzled , but accepting the order , Alexandre stood . " Umm , if you need me , " he began " I 'll , uh , I 'll umm . . . I 'll be with my mother preparing for Gatchina . " He walked out quickly , and closed the door silently behind him . As soon as he went Antonya burst into tears . " It 's from Velibor . " She cried , before Cristian could say anything . He studied her , trying to figure out if this was true . " Wasn ' tVelibor dead ? " he said , after a while . " Yes , but he gave it to me before I left , slipping it into the pocket of my dress the last time I saw him . I had forgotten ! How can I love Alexandre when i know that I 'm going to break his heart ? Cristian ! Why am I like this ? Why is it that no one understands fully ? " holding her face in her hands , she began to cry uncontrollably . Cristian put an arm around her shoulder , and moved her towards the window . She sat on the ledge , still crying , only to see Alexandre sitting there in the courtyard below . Bursting into tears again , she ran to Critstian . " See ? I 'm killing him ! Look at the sadness that 's in his eyes now ! Every man I 've ever loved has had the same look ! I 'm killing ! Cristian , please , kill me before I commit murder again ! I can 't take it anymore . I love him too much . " He held her tightly , stroking her hair . " Cousin , if you love him you 'll live for him . Velibor is causing you pain . Let me take this neckalce from you , and I 'll look after it for a while . For now , love Alexandre . He cares so much for you , and right now that 's what you need . Cousin , please , promise me you 'll smile ? " He let go of her , and she stared at him . " Cristian , if anything happens , you know what I will end up doing ! " He pulled the handkerchief from one of his pockets and held it out for her . " Dry your eyes and go and join him . He needs you , and though you may refuse to accept it , you need him too . " Wiping her eyes , she walked out to meet Velibor . Cristian held the necklace , wondering what to do . Something was about to happen , and he was unsure about the turns it would take . His thoughts began to drift off about the possible events , wondering throughout the castle . He found himself just outside the library , when the Tsar and Tsarina could be heard talking near - by . " Antonya " the Tsar whispered " is the perfect tool to our conquer of Serbia ! How long have my fathers strived to conquer , yet I will be the first ! All because my good for nothing son has decided he wants to court with no one less than the Serbian crown princess ! My darling , this is beautiful ! " " Indeed , but the only way we shall acheive this is by allowing the relationship to florish . I think we should bring her to Gatchina ! Alexandre has already asked me to talk with you about this . He really wants her to come . He said he would stay here with Marco if things don 't work out . " The Tsar went silent , and Cristian was fuming . He was just about to begin his search of Marco , but the Tsar started again . " Oh , I don 't know what Marco would say about that , and despite the fact that we are the rulers of Russia , I have a feeling that Marco will say no . " " Hmm " thought the Tsarina . Just then Marco came up behind Cristian , clearing his throat as a warning to him . The Tsar and Tsarina stopped abruptly , and Cristian sprinted in the opposite direction to find his cousin . What have I done ? , he thought to himself , now more sure than ever of what direction he and Antonya must take . He wasn 't dead . No one had shot him . He stood against a tree , on the far side of the field , watching the battle continue in front of him . His heart was cold to the world now , he himself feeling emotionless . " My battle is not here , and so I will not fight " he stated , though who was listening was unsure . Turning his back , he walked towards the road in the distance . Velibor followed the road , not sure where he would end up . Anywhere was good as long as it had no memory , no connection with Antonya . Without eating , he walked on through the slow day , stopping for nothing . His only companions - his empty mind and broken heart . Eventually night came , but he felt that he could not stop , almost like if he did , everything would come and find him , and he would not be able to cope . Soon the cold became too much , and noticing a barn in a field not far away , he headed there and slept in its shelter . Dreams of Antonya kept him warm . Who knows how long he slept for , but when he awoke the day seemed late . He was lying in a picturesque field , like he had woken up in one of the royal paintings . Not far away the sounds of cattle could be heard . " Hey ! " someone called gently from behind him . Velibor froze , not sure what to do . The last thing he wanted was for someone to find him , let alone be near him . A hand tapped his shoulder and Velibor noticed that there was alight blanket covering him . " Did you sleep well ? I woke early to see the horses - they were uneasy all night no thanks to a stranger sleeping right outside their barn . Hungry ? " With a warm smile , he held out a piece of bread for him , and Velibor took it gratefully , not realising how hungry he was . " Thankyou , truly , but I don 't deserve this . " He said sadly , eyes downcast . He was standing now , and his eyes rose and met with the stranger 's . He had kind , hazel eyes , and messy blonde hair . He was well built , so Velibor assumed he must have been the farmer here , or something like that . Maybe the farm hand , for he looked young , maybe only just a little bit older than himself . " I 'm Sadif , by the way . I live here . Lived here my whole life . I hope you 'll stay awhile , cause it gets really lonely here sometimes , except when people come to buy horses . What 's your story ? " Velibor looked at him , contemplating the thought of staying a while with Sadif . He as a simple man , Velibor concluded , but there was something there that reminded him of home . He felt comfortable with him . " I 'm Velibor , not that it matters much what happened before . I 'm suffering from a broken heart , to no fault of my own , and that has brought me here . " He paused , thoughts of Antonya passing through his mind . " You don 't mind if I stay here a bit do you ? " he added , after a few moments , and Sadif 's approval showed his massive smile . They walked across the field , Velibor carrying his few belongings and Sadif singing what sounded like a joyful song . " Is all this yours , Sadif ? " Velibor asked , out of curiosity . " Yeah , sure . My father died when I was young , and my mother died three years ago . Father was famous for his horses , you know . I wish I knew how he did it though . But yeah . All of this is mine . " Sadif seemed to have quieted down , after talking about his family . " Sorry , " Velibor offered , and they walked through the door of his house . The house was not big , but it wasn 't small . There were three bedrooms , a decent kitchen , a living room and dining room . It was really clean and well kept . " This is a nice house Sadif ! " Velibor exclaimed . It was a far cry from the castle , but the only other houses he had been in other than this were the peasant houses that brimmed the outside of the city . He was impressed . Walking up to the mantelpiece just above the fireplace , Velibor 's eyes were caught by a small , decorated little egg . " That " Sadif said , glad Velibor was interested in it " was a present from my Uncle . He lives in the city . My last relative . He gave it to me the Easter after mother died . " He took the egg from Velibor 's hands and opened it carefully , revealing an inside lined with what looked like silk . He pulled out a small photo frame , and inside was a painting of one of the most beautiful women Velibor had ever seen . " That 's her when she was younger , just after she married my father . " He fingered with the picture for a moment , before catching himself and replacing it inside the egg . He gave it back to Velibor , and disappeared around a corner . The detail on the egg was so intricate and fine ! Placing the egg back down gently , Velibor went in search of Sadif , to inquire about food . He was starving . He walked through all the rooms , knocking first , but could not find Sadif anywhere . Walking through the house one last time to look for him , he decided that Sadif must have been outside . He walked back to the barn , where he had first met Sadif , and walked inside . " Sadif ? " he called out . He walked halfway , and then decided he had better just go back to the house . He walked into the kitchen , and began searching cupboards for a cup . Eventually he found one , but just then a big came through the front door of the house . " Hello ? " Velibor called cautiously , walking towards the door . A burst of laughter came from outside the door , and Velibor found Sadif doubled over on the floor in laughter . Looking at him strangely , Velibor walked back into the kitchen and finished his drink . " Sorry , " Sadif just managed , in between bursts of laughter " It 's just that the last time I invited someone to come into my house and stay with me they stole from me . So I wanted to be sure that I could trust you . That 's all . But hey ! Your one funny guy ! I was standing in the field , just outside the house , and I watched you walk to the barn all worried , then come back to the house … you 're one seriously funny guy Velibor ! " he paused for a breath , and began to calm down . Velibor smiled , and followed Sadif as he showed him to his room . " It 's not exactly the best room in the world , but its not too bad " he said as he opened the door , but Velibor froze with shock . There was a big window against one wall , a bed in the corner opposite , a wardrobe at the back of the room , and a beautiful , soft rug on the floor . It was almost just like his room back at the castle , just without a fireplace . Sadif saw how pleased he was , and he was happy . " I 'll leave you to it then , and I 'll go get us something to eat ! " Velibor sat down on the bed . He loved this room , but it reminded him so much of Princess Antonya . Must there be a reminder of her in everything he did ? Must every memory he had of her be linked with other things , so much that every waking minute as spent living memories of her ? He lay back on his bed , and reached for the letter she had written him . " All I want is to be close to you again , Antonya . All those months I wasted , using you for selfish reasons , when I could have loved you like I do now . Oh , Antonya , I 'm sorry . I want you to hear me , I do , but I don 't think you 'll ever want to see me again . Antonya I love you " he whispered , holding the letter to his lips . Folding it back up , he unpacked his things and laid them out in the room . All he needed was clothes now . Sadif came back a few hours later , after having done some other work as well , and together they ate in the dining room . " It 's funny , " Sadif said " how all these years I 've lived in this house I 've never eaten a meal in this room before . " Velibor was surprised . He himself was not used to dining in a room like this but more in a banquet hall , but he concluded he liked this much better . " It 's a nice room though " Velibor replied . There was a beautiful painting of the west wall of the castle , with the beautiful oak tree and the bright flower beds . The painting must have been completed in Autumn . Velibor felt tears well up in his eyes , and he rested his head in his arms on the table and began to cry . Velibor sat there for sometime , and Velibor cleared the table . He refilled their glasses with wine , and together they moved by the fireplace and sat in silence together . " I 'm so sorry , " Velibor said eventually . " It 's just that the picture of the castle in the other room ? Well … " and Velibor began to tell him everything as they sat there by the fire , tears falling from his eyes . She sat on her bed , with the fresh strawberries she had picked . Andrei had washed them , but noticed she was pale and sent her to her room to rest . She felt so cold , so alone , despite the fire being on . Changing her dress , she walked up to the window and sat on the window 's ledge . She picked up a strawberry , and took a bite . " I can 't do this anymore ! " she screamed , throwing the strawberry out of the window to the courtyard below . Throwing her head back against the frame of the window , staring into the sky , she stared straight at the sun daring it to hurt her . Tears of anger , frustration and failure fell from her eyes . She sat there , crying , unable to move . Marco came into her room , having been walking passed the courtyard when she had screamed . He ran to the window and held her tight , scared to let her free . She cried and cried in his arms , finally enjoying the company of a friend who didn 't want to just court her and make love . Someone who loved her as a friend and cared truly . Marco held her , wondering what to do . She was so happy just a few days ago , really enjoying life , and now here she was , crying uncontrollably in his arms . He stroked her hair . " Antonya , what 's wrong ? Please , stop crying and talk to me ! " he soothed , trying to calm her . She stopped crying , but refused to speak , burying her head even further into his chest . He began to search for reasons why she would be like this , and then it hit him . She had been so close to Alexandre the day she got over her depression , and they were talking and connecting like they had been best friends forever . She had not been around him lately , as he had been totally engrossed in helping Cristian show Vladimir around the castle . Something has happened , I 'll bet , he thought to himself . " Is it that boy ? " he asked her , vowing to punish him if it was . Thinking that Marco was referring to Vladimir , she nodded her head , and cried again . " Marco , why is life like this ? Why is it that I want friendship , when they want love , and then when I want to love them , they leave , ashamed to be near me ? Is there something wrong with me that men only want one thing from me ? I didn 't mean to , Marco , I honestly didn 't mean it ! Mother and Father never accepted him , and maybe it was their hatred that rubbed off on me . I love Velibor , and he loved me . But he 's gone now , and I 've got to move on , and I tried I did ! " with one hand she wiped her eyes , and gathered her dress to stand up . Marco lifted her up off the bed and helped her to stand up . " Marco , this is my fault , and I 'm the one that broke his heart . Why did i do it ? I bet you regret offering to bring me to Moscow , for all I 've done is sulk in my bedroom , living in the past . I 'm sorry . " Marco looked at her , and decided he would talk to Cristian and Alexandre later . But then and there , he decided it was time to treat his beautiful niece . " Antonya , it is nearing the mark of your third week here in Moscow , and not once have I taken the time to show you around the city , take you to town or show you properly around this castle . Luis , the tailor , is due to arrive soon , so we will spend some time with him , and then tomorrow , I promise you , we will go into town and I will show you around . Maybe later we will travel to St Petersburg and visit the Tsar 's palace . When they travel to Moscow , they stay with me , but I tell you they have the most beautiful castle ! For now though , to the library ! Luis is waiting for you . That 's why I first came . " He lifted up her chin , and looked into her eyes . His niece was truly the most beautiful girl . He kissed her cheek lightly and left her room . Walking through the corridors , Marco past by the main courtyard , and saw the three boys standing there , watching something on the ground . Walking up , he noticed an unusual amount of ants and flies near their feet . Stopping just behind Cristian , he screamed at them . " Just who do you think you are , young men ! This is disgraceful , the way you are entertaining yourselves and spending your time ! " he yelled at the top of his voice . The boys jumped and ran as fast as they could , all glancing behind them to see who they were running from . Vladimir was truly scared , but Alexandre and Cristian stopped as soon as they saw him . " Honestly , father , that isn 't funny " Cristian laughed as he walked back with Alexandre . Vladimir followed behind , still scared , not knowing what to expect . Marco was bent over with laughter , having enjoyed every minute of scaring the boys . " Cristian , I wish to speak with you now . The rest of you boys I will enjoy the company of later . Enjoy your day ! " Marco walked through the corridors of the castle , winding his way to the south wall . Together they climbed the wall and walked along it . They stopped at the watch tower ( Marco had it built to please the Tsar ) and sat there on the wall . " Marco ! " Cristian called , but Marco didn 't hear . " Father ! " he yelled " why are we here ? " Cristian said , sounding annoyed . Marco looked at him , and Cristian sensed immediately that something was wrong . " Marco , what 's wrong ? It 's Antonya , isn 't it ? She has not been around the castle for days . Or at least I haven 't seen her . " " That 's because she 's been with Andrei in the kitchen . You know how much she loves talking to him , and I fear it will get her into trouble one day . " Marco turned to face the forests beyond the walls of the castle , while Cristian stared at him . " Father , maybe it has something to do with Alexandre . " He admitted eventually , not sure if it was the right thing to say . " What do you mean , maybe ? I think it has everything to do with him ! I saw how close they were that night when we had the welcoming banquet for his family . They spent so long together out in the courtyard , and she was seen returning to her room with his jacket . And not long ago Ivan the Gardener and I were talking , and he told me of how she had been strawberry picking with that young man that you bought to the castle just recently . What was his name again ? " " Father , I think this has nothing to do with either of the boys , but more how she has chosen to deal with what comes to her ! Look at how she treated Alexandre ! They met , staring out of windows , in the pouring rain ; the next day she 's carrying his jacket around like it was some ancient priceless artefact ; then only for me and Vladimir to walk in on them both in her room , Alexandre putting on his coat and she fixing her hair ! " Marco had not heard this yet , and was astonished . " They have … . ? " He drifted off , not sure what to think . His head was swimming in all directions , and he was not sure of what to think . He loved his niece , but this was too much for him . " Wait , " Cristian said , something just coming to light in his mind . " What started you worrying about her ? Why did you purposely step out of your way to find Alexandre and I and request a moment ? " He looked at Marco , studying his face , searching for the answer that he had already guessed . " Cristian I … . . I … " He stuttered , not sure what to stay . He looked around trying to find the right words to say . If he told Cristian that he had found Antonya crying uncontrollably in her room and sought to punish the cause of her grief , how would Cristian feel ? Not knowing what to do , he just told him the truth . " Cristian … . I … . " he began slowly " I was walking through the corridors as I always do when I am thinking , and I thought of Antonya after walking through the library and meeting with Luis . She is there now with him . " He looked at Cristian , feeling that he wasn 't listening to anything that was being said . " Why did you stop , Marco ? I am listening you know " he stated , feeling more and more annoyed at him . " Sorry , Cristian , but I feel you know something I do not , and I wish you to tell me otherwise I 'm holding Alexandre responsible . Life is hard for everyone , Cristian , and believe it or not I feel her pain . " Marco had tears in his eyes and Cristian hugged him . " I 'm so sorry Marco , that I never saw from the start why you connected with her so well - you know her pain ! " Marco felt a little ease , but his pain was far from gone . " Thankyou Cristian , but I never wanted you to know " he said quietly . Cristian looked up , and explained in detail how Vladimir loved Antonya , right from the first time he met her at the castle back in Serbia until now . Marco was furious . " that 's why " Cristian finished off " Alexandre hasn 't been near Antonya all this time - he 's jealous , thinking that Antonya enjoys his company more - considering Vladimir 's always there . " " Cristian , I think it was a bad idea for you to bring him here . I think we can find suitable accommodation for him with one of the older castle maids , but I refuse to have him in my castle any longer . His love for her is stalker - like . " Marco gave Cristian a quick hug and walked away from him , down towards the castle . Vladimir was with Luis when Antonya arrived there , but he didn 't notice her . She waited in the doorway until he had left through the opposite door , and then she entered . " Antonya , your highness ! " exclaimed Luis , upon seeing her " I am so honoured that you have requested me to ' tailor ' to your needs ! " she smiled , he laughed , and then he led her away to begin his work . Antonya left Serbia with tears in her eyes . She had not seen Velibor since the day they had returned to that courtyard , and her heart called for him . She searched for him whenever she could find time . Marco noticed and tried to help her move on , but her heart wouldn 't budge . He stood on the roof of the castle , crying uncontrollably , watching her leave . " Fate is fate , and you can 't escape it " exclaimed the unmistakable voice of the general behind him . " What are you doing here ? " he stated , feeling emotionless towards the general . " I have my orders , young Velibor , and Queen Ann has demanded that you be on your way to battle , to do your country proud by the end of the week . You have all of , umm … hmm … three days to get ready . " He laughed , and walked away , leaving this to sink in with Velibor . He sat on the edge of the roof , wondering just what it would feel like to escape the world , what the sensation of falling would be like . " No " he scolded himself . " She promised to return and I have given her my word that I will wait . " He moved off the edge , and sat with his back against it . " I love you Antonya " he whispered into the air , and blew a kiss into it . " For you , until I can hold you again . " He was glad he had put the present into her pocket . It had cost him a fortune , but he wanted her to remember him forever . But why had Queen Ann done this ? He wouldn 't put it past her , as she tended to be more the ruler of Serbia than King Vladan . He always followed through with the ideas she proposed . She was the one who called for the war . " We must show the other empires we are stronger than them ! " she urged her husband one night in the library . Antonya and him were on the far side of the library , and heard it all . He stood , and decided to face the king and queen . Returning to his room to pur fresh clothes on , he met up with a servant who was cleaning up . " Oh , I 'm sorry ! " she rushed , and quickly moved to another room . Putting fresh clothes on , and washing his face , he walked out of his room and down the corridor towards the throne room . On his way , he passed the corridor towards Antonya 's room , and paused before it . Reminding himself of what he had come to do , and feeling a renewed strength inside him , he walked into the room . " Velibor , your Highness , seeking your great counsel and advice " boomed the guard who stood before the door . Many noble men and women were in attendance this morning , probably due to that fact that Antonya and Marco had just left . Bowing low in the centre of the room , he stayed like that until King Vladan acknowledged his presence . " Vladan , rise , and speak to me " the king said eventually . Velibor stood , and looked the king and queen in turn straight in the eyes . " Your Majesties , there is a war going on , and I am one of the only fully trained , capable young men in the country that is left , who has not taken up their duty to fight for our glorious country . Please , allow me to attend the battle as soon as is permissible . I feel I have disgraced myself and you in delaying my duties for so long . " He bowed once more , and stood still waiting for the king 's reasoning to pass . The room was silent . They were expecting something like ' I 'm leaving Serbia ' or ' I will be travelling to Russia soon ' . He felt their shocked eyes on his back as they stared at him . King Vladan came down from his throne , and walked around Velibor , trying to figure out his intent . " Velibor , " he said quietly , so it would be just between them " what has caused this change of heart ? For so long you fought against this , and now yo come begging to be sent to the war ? I tell you , even the most eager of farm boys that have come to offer their services did not even beg like you just have . One would think you have nothing worthwhile left … " he hinted , trying to get the truth from him . Velibor looked at the king , and answered him as honestly and respectfully as he could . " Your Highness , I have been out of place for quite a while , not realising where my duties lie . Isn 't it more important that I save my country in an effort to protect the princess that I love with all my heart , than to stand around here basking in her love , only to watch her die at the hands of a foreigner , all because I did not fight ? I was bought to this castle to be trained to fight , not to entertain my heart , and she reminded me of this before she left . I love her , know that much please , but this is what 's right . And so I beg you once again your Majesty , please , let me fight . " He bowed once again , and tears swelled up in his eyes . He didn 't want to have to pour out his heart in front of the whole court , but they weren 't going to see him for much longer anyway . Vladan looked to Ann for advice . The previous night they had discussed sending Velibor to the war in order to separate him further from Antonya , and here he was begging to be sent . Ann was truly infuriated . She had heard the rumours that this boy was using her daughter 's love for him simply to take over the throne . She would no allow a stupid , common , farm boy turned nobleman take the throne . To her he was vermin , a disgrace to the royal family . " Vladan , he is asking for what we were going to give to him anyway ! Why do you doubt everything now ? Send him ! " she ordered him . Vladan looked into his wife 's eyes . He looked at her in disbelief , and then turned to Vladan . He could take back his judgement whenever he wanted , for he was the king right ? " Velibor , young man , if this is your wish then I have every intention to let you have your way . I hope you have thought this through wisely , for it is quite a challenge to return upon the path which you are asking to travel on . Do you really want this , Velibor ? " He paused , and studied Velibor . Looking on from experience , he sensed that the young man was crushed . Velibor nodded his head and murmured a reply . " then let it be , Velibor . When you are ready " he gestured to the general to come forward " speak to the general about your departure , and I wish you all the best on your way . Antonya sends her love . " With that , the king dismissed him , and he bowed low , exiting the room . Blinded by his tears , he walked out to the corridors , and found himself on his way to her room . He reached it eventually , and found a quick note there by the door . " Velibor - I knew you 'd come . I love you . Moscow , Russia - ask for Marco 's residence - Antonya " As soon as he had left the throne room , King Vladan summoned the general to his side . " Make sure that he fights , but if he dies and my daughter comes home distraught , you will be at her disposal , after having endured my punishments . Understand ? " The general looked for even the smallest hint of a joke in his eyes , but the king meant it . " Anything happens , General , and I hold you to fault . " Two days later , with little of his belongings packed , and the note safely with him , he departed for the battlefield . His heart grew cold , and he fought like no other man there with him . His battlefront came to victory quite often , and upon the last victory , he walked out into the middle of the field , and stood there . " General , general ! We can 't find Velibor anywhere . We fear he is dead . He is gone general ! " Alexandre got up , pulling Antonya up with him . " Princess , I 'm going okay , and I 'll see you around later . Be good my beautiful . I love you " he smiled cheekily , and picked up his coat . Antonya walked over to the strawberries , her platter nearly finished , and ate one , nodding in acknowledgment to him . " Goodbye " he smiled . Just as he walked through her doorway to leave , Cristian came bursting in the room , with a young man not far behind him . Alexandre frowned , and Cristian slapped his cheek lightly . " Your Highnesses ! " he laughed , mocking a bow , walking over to kiss Antonya on the cheek . " Have a good time ? It 's funny how I 'm always right , wouldn 't you agree Vlad ? " Vladimir looked up from the floor , and smiled at Cristian . His eyes fell on Princess Antonya , and he broke into the cheesiest smile . " Princess ! It is good to see you again " he laughed , and bowed . He held out a hand to Alexandre , who shook it . " Antonya , Alexandre , this is Vladimir , a very old friend of mine . Do you remember how I used to train with the general for war Antonya ? And there were three of us troublemakers ? Well , this is my third friend ! It was me , Velibor and Vladan " he explained , turning to Alexandre " who caused all the trouble in the castle back in Serbia . " He put a hand on Cristian 's back . Wow , thought Antonya silently . He was dressed in one of Cristian 's suits until his clothes were ready , and he looked quite nice . To imagine he was here in Moscow ! What a coincidence ! She laughed quietly to herself , and the boys excused themselves from her room . She could remember Velibor and Cristian quite well from their training days , but not once did she recall seeing Vladimir . His name sounded familiar though . Maybe he was the little boy that always used to stare at her . He played a lot with the other two boys back then . Come to think of it , they had the same brown eyes . If that was him , how he 'd grown ! Her mind drifted back to Velibor , and looking outside , she noticed the leaves falling from the trees . How she missed him ! Thinking back to last night , she realised just how wrong she was . It was her who had used Velibor , not him to her . Velibor was like that at the start , but he truly loved her . The last day I spent with you , Velibor , she thought , that was when I realised just how much I had ruined you , and you had ruined me . " I left because I couldn 't bear to face up to what I had done to you , and even then by the time I knew it was too late . I 'm sorry Velibor , I killed you " she whispered , leaning out of her window . " Velibor , I love you . I 'm sorry . " Glancing at the tray of strawberries , she realised it was empty . Picking it up , she thought of calling a maid to refresh it for her , and decided not . She walked down to the kitchen herself , in search of Andrei , wanting to talk to him . He was in the kitchen , but busy preparing the midday meal . Walking out the door in the kitchen that lead to the gardens , she wandered around there , hoping to find a gardener to thank for the beautiful strawberries . Walking through the countless plants and fruits , she found no gardener , but found herself thinking of Lukas . Upon reaching the end of the garden , she had seen no gardener , only the most beautiful dog . She bent down and ran her fingers through its coat . How soft it was ! The dog was a husky , and looked a little old . She stayed with it , enjoying it 's company . It licked her fingers and looked happy to see her . " Oh , you are truly a beautiful dog ! Do you belong to the gardener ? I wonder what you 're name is … " she sat there , stroking it a little while longer , when all of a sudden a deep voice boomed from behind her . " Diego ! Come ! " The dog raised itself slowly , and limped towards the man , stopping to lick Antonya 's hand once more before leaving . She stood back up , and dusted off her dress , turning around to see who was there . Behind her stood Cristian , Vladimir and a reluctant looking Alexandre . " A friend of dogs , are you Princess Antonya ? " asked Vladimir politely , stroking Diego . " I couldn 't say , " she replied . " I was looking for the gardener to congratulate him on such wonderful strawberries , when I found this wonderful dog . Does it belong to you ? " " Yes , his name 's Diego . " Diego lifted his head in response to hearing his name , and Antonya laughed . Cristian moved right up to Diego and patted him , but Alexandre kept his distance . " Is Russia 's soon - to - be Tsar scared of a dog ? " she laughed , but he did not take it lightly . " Leave me alone . Royalty does not belong down in the dirt with an animal " he scolded her . She glared at him , and Cristian was amazed . He had never seen this side of his friend before . Was he scared ? Antonya began to walk away from the group just as Alexandre walked up to Diego to prove to them he wasn 't scared . With arrogant intentions , he leaned down to pat Diego . Diego barked at him , but he did not acknowledge his warning , for Diego could sense his arrogance . Just as he touched Diego 's head , Diego lurched forward and sunk his teeth into Alexandre 's leg . He screamed out in pain , and Antonya turned around and immediately ran to him . Kneeling beside Diego , Cristian and Vladimir coaxed the dog to release it 's teeth from his leg , and move away . Thankfully he did not bite into his leg fully , and there was minimal blood . " Alexandre ! What is wrong with you ? " yelled Cristian . " Alexandre shot a glare at Cristian . " I am your best friend , and here you are questioning me ? You should be reprimanding the dog , not I ! " Vladimir looked at them both , and glanced at Antonya . She shot him a sympathetic look , and scolded them both . " Do you boys have no respect for each other ? The dog bit you for your arrogance , Alexandre . As soon as you entered the garden , the air stank with it . But Cristian you should have known better . Shame on you both ! " dragging Cristian and Alexandre behind her , she left Vladimir to tend to Diego , and took Alexandre to his room . Between them they managed to fix up Alexandre 's leg , and within a few days it was as good as new . Alexandre , Vladimir and Cristian became like best friends , but Alexandre hardly talked to Antonya . She spent a lot of time in the kitchen every day , talking to Andrei . One day , during their conversations , a young man came in , laden with two baskets packed to the brim . He said something to Andrei in a foreign language unknown to the princess , and they laughed . Turning to Antonya , the man bowed . She nodded her head in his direction " this is the man who makes the wonderful strawberries you love so much princess ! " he explained , gesturing towards the young man . She smiled and stood immediately , and shook the man 's hand . " Thank you so much ! I love these strawberries ! I love them ! " he looked at her a while , and then smiled . " You like my strawberries your highness ? " he asked , bowing again . " indeed ! Say , what was your name ? " " Oh , I am Ivan . I have been the gardener here since I was fourteen . I owe it to Andrei , for he begged Master Marco for this job for me . I am most grateful ! " Antonya laughed , and turned to Andrei . " Andrei , do you mind if I have some of these fresh strawberries ? You needn 't worry about making a sauce . I just would like the strawberries . " " Why princess ! " offered Ivan " come with me now , and you can pick and choose for yourself from the strawberry patch your favourite strawberries to eat ! " She delighted at this idea , and ran to follow Ivan out to his garden . The walked right through the first garden , and passed Vladimir who was visiting Diego . She smiled at him , and he got up and ran to join her , Diego following not far behind . " Your Highness , what are you doing ? " he asked playfully , looking for something to do . " Strawberry picking ! Did you ever do that in the gardens back home with Lukas ? Come ! " she called back to him . They walked through the orchards , and right at the end of the garden , in their own ' secret ' courtyard , were the strawberries . " Ivan ! This is truly wonderful ! How come I have never seen this garden before ? Wow ! " she said quietly , shocked by the sheer , utter beauty of the courtyard . " Do you like it your Highness ? I made it myself . Marco allowed me this end of the castle for my gardens , to grow the food for the kitchens . I call this end the strawberry courtyard . Feel free to come whenever you please ! " He smiled , handed her a basket , and then left her and Vladimir to it , while he went to work in the orchards . Soon their basket was full , them having eaten enough to fill another basket while they were picking . Laughing , she began to walk back up to the kitchens , when Diego began to bark . Putting her basket down , Antonya walked back to where he was . Vladimir was nowhere in sight . Trying to figure out what Diego was hinting at , she bent down to stroke his fur . Just as she did , Vladimir appeared behind her , holding her basket . She stood up , sensing someone 's presence , and turned around . He grabbed her by the waist , blinded by his desire , and kissed her . " Vladimir " she warned , and took the basket from him . Without looking back to him , she picked up the basket and returned to Andrei . Watching from the windows in the castle above , Cristian and Alexandre watched silently . The princess walked into the banquet hall , and took her seat next to her mother , surprised to see Velibor already seated at his place . They had already started eating , so she began to eat . A silence fell out over the hall as people kept eating , and King Vladan stood to address the court . Marco was on the other side of her , and he leaned in to warn her about what her father was about to do . " I hope , Antonya " he whispered " that you have already informed Velibor of your coming departure to Russia with me , as that is what your father is about to bring before the court . I will talk to you later about things that have just happened . I tried to find you earlier and tell you , but I was unable to do so . " She switched to panic mode , and looked at Velibor . He was smiling at her , and she wondered if there was some way they could both be excused from the meal without looking suspicious . Marco noticed her haste , grabbed her arm tightly . " Don 't do anything . If you haven 't been able to tell him by now then I fear it is too late ! Antonya , your father is about to speak . Please , don 't disrespect him any more than you already have . " She looked at him , accepting defeat , and turned her concentration to her father while taking a sip of wine . " What a glorious day today is , would you not agree my fellow Serbians ? " a murmur of agreement swept through the hall , and the king continued . " Truly , today is wonderful ! We once again have the upper - hand in this battle , the sun shined all day , Marco is here to dine with us , and I have great news to tell you ! " A wave of excitement swept through the hall , as hardly ever did the king have something good to say . People began to converse quietly about what it might be . " As I have often thought , the best way to learn and grow is to experience , and therefore understand . You would agree with me , would you not , Marco ? " he turned and faced his brother , who nodded in agreement , having a mouthful of food . " So I have decided to send my beautiful daughter Princess Antonya to Russia for a period of time , to visit and experience their wonderful culture . This will also strengthen our ties with the Russians . Would you not agree ? " People began to talk a little more loudly among themselves , and one man spoke up . " Your Highness , I mean not to question your decisions , but who is it that you will send to accompany her ? For the trip is long and dangerous ! I would wish no harm to come upon our beautiful Princess . " Once again people nodded in agreement with this concern , and Marco raised his voice . " I live in Russia , and the royal family are frequent visitors to my castle . Princess Antonya will travel with me , and will stay with me once there . Does that seem fit with you ? " The man who was concerned seemed satisfied , and all returned to their normal habits , the king having sat down again to finish eating . The whole time this was going on , Velibor looked at Antonya , looking into her eyes . This is what she had to tell him , but didn 't know how to say it . With tears in his eyes , he fled from the banquet hall quietly , with no one but Antonya noticing . Having finished eating , she followed him from a distance , and watched as he stood in the courtyard crying uncontrollably . She walked to his room , and waited there for him . Velibor was heart broken . Speaking aloud to himself , he cried and cried in the courtyard until he had no tears left . " I was just coming to truly love you Antonya ! Why ? " Eventually he stood , long after everyone else had gone to bed , and walked towards his room . He walked in and threw himself on his bed , without thinking . Antonya let out a sharp cry in pain , and Velibor got up immediately out of fright . Realising it was only Antonya , he lay back down on her , and embraced her . He cried and cried , while she ran her fingers through his hair and held his face . Together they lay like that for the rest of the night , not saying a word . Morning came , and they both awoke late together , but laid like that for so long . " I tried to tell you " Antonya said , tears coming from her eyes . " I tried , but so many times I couldn 't find the words to say it , or you would tell me it could wait . I 'm sorry , so sorry Velibor . " She looked in his eyes . He sat up . " Antonya , you have no idea how much it hurt . I thought your father was just going to say something stupid about your uncle . He always jokes when Marco is here . But he didn 't , and what he did say , Antonya , I don 't know . What am I to do ? I can 't live without you ! " He lay on top of her and kissed her , tears falling from both their eyes . He paused a moment , then got out of bed . Dressing quickly , he pulled her up out of the sheets . " Come on , quickly ! " She fixed her dress and made an attempt at her hair . He ran to his fireplace and removed something from the top , placing it in his pocket . He wrapped his arms around her , kissing her quickly , then together they walked through countless corridors and out into the courtyards . " Antonya , do you remember when we first kissed ? It was right here , under this tree , and it was your first kiss . I remember it so well . " He whispered , playing with her hair . She was silent . Avoiding his eyes , she gazed out over the courtyard . Beautiful flower beds against every wall and bench , and an ancient oak tree right in the centre , branches reaching out in an effort to embrace the whole garden . The leaves were slowly falling from its wonderful arms , creating a beautiful carpet of red , orange and gold underneath their feet . " It was just like this when I first held you , right there by the bench . " She moved away from him , hurting at the fact that she was unable to ease his pain . Sitting on the bench , she looked over at Velibor . He stood , his back turned to her , looking out over the walls of the courtyard and down into the valleys beyond . Tears cascaded down her pale cheeks silently , as she thought over everything she had just done . " I 'm sorry . " She whispered , though he never heard . Loud voices were coming from the castle , and Velibor turned to face her . He had grown to love Antonya with all his heart . At first she had been nothing but an instrument , a step in his ladder of success . But now she was so much more , and just as he came to acknowledge that , and vow to treat her better , life turned it 's back on him and here she was , embarking on a journey that is sure to end her love for him . " Antonya I love you ! " His heart cried out , and he began to cry hysterically . Breaking down in tears , he fell to the ground , and sat there . " Antonya , please , I love you " was all he said to her , and she ran to him . " I love you Antonya , I love you . I love you so much ! I can 't … I don 't … I love … Antonya ! Please ? I … I … " he buried his head in her arms , and cried . She looked at him . Was this what it felt like when your heart was broken ? She was torn in two . How would she tell Velibor that she had to leave tomorrow ? She stroked his cheek , speechless . " I 'm sorry Vel , I am " she breathed , pressing her face into his hair . She held his face . Velibor lay there in her arms . She was killing him , and she didn 't even know . His heart began to stop racing , and his breathing started to become even again . She smelled so nice . He felt her leaning in to him and her cold hands on his face . Reaching up , he placed his hand on hers . " I promise that I love you , Antonya ! I love you so much I cannot describe it with words … no act of love would be enough ! Not even the stars in the sky , once counted could show by how much I love you ! " Queen Ann came at that moment , with Marco and King Vladan close on her heels . " My daughter ! What are you doing here in the dirt ? Why are you out here in this cold weather ? Get up immediately ! Velibor ! Rise now and be of some assistance ! " She screamed , at the top of her voice . Antonya lay there a little while longer , kissing Velibor 's hair . " I love you Velibor , and I 'm sorry . I 'll be home soon okay ? " He kissed her hand , and slipped something into the pocket concealed in her dress " I 'll be back , I promise ! " she cried out to him , and was ushered away by her outraged mother . He had his back turned to them , trying to hide the tears that so openly admitted to the world the condition of his heart . " I love you too Antonya , and I will wait forever for you " he vowed in a whisper . Cristian ran out of the castle gates , laughing to himself about Alexandre and Antonya . Surely his cousin loved his best friend , and he returned her feelings , yet both were to scared to do anything ? Laughing quietly to himself , he walked down to the town . Everyone knew him here and loved him too . He had no idea why he had decided to come into town , and paused , having just reached the town square . It was good at times , being known as the ' son ' of one of the richest men in Russia , but it had its downside . People were constantly coming to him pestering him to buy things , or staring at him with pleading eyes , trying to make him give them money . Just as he crossed through the centre of the square , a young man came running to him . " Cristian ! Cristian ! You must come with me ! Please ! Sit down and eat with me ! " His He walked over with the man , and together they sat down . He looked familiar to Cristian , but he couldn 't quite figure out why . Not feeling a bit hungry , he watched this strange man order , and then eat messily . He was definitely not from a noble background , which caused his suspicions to rise . " Who are you ? " Cristian demanded , as the man finished off his last mouthful . " I am Vladimir ! " He exclaimed . " Don 't you remember me ? I used to train with you and Velibor with the general ! We used to spend so much time together ! How could you forget me ? " Vladimir 's face portrayed a truly broken heart , and in that instant Cristian remembered him . " Vladimir ! Oh , Vlad my friend how you 've changed ! and you 've grown as well ! I 'm so sorry I didn 't recognise you , but it 's been so long ! How long have you been in Moscow ? " " My family moved here a few years ago , after they heard about the war . How is Princess Antonya ? Last time I saw her , she was truly a wonder . " His voice trailed off , getting lost in thoughts of his memories of her . " She 's up at the castle , and apparently Velibor got sent off to war and died there . I don 't know , but she really took it hard . Now I think she 's fallen in love with Alexandre . Such is life with her , I guess . " Vladimir was stunned . So much had happened ! " Oh ! I had no idea she was here in Moscow . She must be visiting you and Marco then I guess ? She 's in love with Alexandre though ? After Velibor ? As in Alexandre , the Tsar 's son ? Wow . I can honestly say I never saw that coming . " Cristian searched his friend 's face . Did he already know then , about what had happened to Velibor ? " Vladimir , you seem to care more about my sister then one of your closest childhood friends … " he started , trying to get an answer from Vladimir without directly having to ask the question . " Yeah , I already knew about Velibor , but I knew nothing of her latest . That is truly wonderful that she has found it in her heart to move on . " Cristian looked at him expectantly , expecting him to just have to confess something stupid , like he always did when they were younger . Vladimir 's face turned serious , and his eyes were downcast . Leaving some money on the table , he led his friend to a sidewalk , where he untied the most beautiful dog in the world . " It was a present " explained Vladimir " from my aunty , before we left Serbia . A pure - bred husky , there like wolves . " The dog was of decent size , and the most beautiful , soft fur . Leaning down to pat it , Cristian quizzed Vladimir . " How come your dog has not been stolen yet ? A truly beautiful dog like this is much wanted and worth so much these days ! " Vladimir laughed , and together they walked with the dog . Cristian realised why , as soon as they began to walk with the dog . " Diego is old and has a limp " stated Vladimir " so he would not be worth much at all . But he is my one sole companion lately . I have given up on my sister , and my parents are both nearly dead . I was so surprised when I saw you in the square . I have never seen you here before , yet I knew you lived here . The people here love you ! " " I know , " Cristian sighed " it 's a far cry from back home though , wouldn 't you say ? Most people , especially the maids and Queen Ann couldn 't stand me ! What trouble - makers we were ! " He laughed , and looked at his friend . How sadly he was dressed . Did he even live in a decent house anymore ? " Vladimir , where do you live ? For you do not look like you 've been inside for days . " He cast his eyes immediately down , and his step lost its bounce . " Please , you don 't have to pity me , like all those poor people . I saw the way they stared at you . I don 't need that . " " Vlad " Cut in Cristian " Did I ask you whether you wanted money or not ? Where do you live my friend ? " Looking into his Cristian 's eyes , he told him . " You know the alley where we took Diego from ? Well not far down from where we got him was a door . I live there . " Cristian looked relieved , then realised something . " Wait , you live in the doorway don 't you ? Not in the house . That is why you are so cold ! " Vladimir cast his eyes even further down , and Cristian grabbed his friends hand . Cristian stopped him and pulled back along the road towards the tailor 's shop which he and Marco visited frequently . Dragging him inside , he ordered a new set of clothes for his friend , to be made immediately . Leaving a large amount of gold coins on the table , he drew his friend aside . " Are your sister and parents still waiting for you ? " " No " he said , still lost as to what Cristian was doing . " Good then . You will move in with me at the castle . There are still so many spare rooms and I could do with another friend to hang around with , seeming my best friend is soon going to be tied in with my cousin . What do you say ? " It took a while for the words to sink into Vladimir . Was this real ? " But what will happen to Diego ? " he questioned , preferring to stay outside in the cold then lose his beloved companion . " I 'll have the physician at the castle see to him , and he can live with us ! … Though I doubt father will let him in the castle rooms , he will be in the castle and well cared for , and you can see him anytime you want . " Vladimir looked at Cristian , and hugged his friend , tears of joy coming from his eyes . " I owe you so much , Cristian . Anything , anything you need ! Please , I promise I will do anything to repay you ! " Cristian smiled , and patted him on the back . " Right now , all I need is someone to have fun with . Go , and let the tailor finish your clothes . I 'll wait here for you . " He went off with the tailor into another room , and Cristian sat in one of the chairs , wondering what on earth he was going to do now . Just then , the bell of the door rang , and one of the castle maids whom Cristian knew well walked in . She glanced around , and nodded in his direction . " My lord ! What are you doing here ? " " Oh , hi . I 'm with a friend . And what business do you have down here ? " He looked at her , noticing the bag in her hand , which had the royal Serbian coat of arms on it . " Oh , her Highness , Princess Antonya sent me to town to find her the best tailor , someone who is willing to make what she pleases . I 've been in town all day trying to find the best tailor for her , and everyone has referred me to someone else . This is the last place left that I can go to . " She smiled and bowed her head , and he laughed . " Oh , my cousin is a pain , wouldn 't you agree ? Oh well , you 'll have luck with this place , as the tailor here is the only tailor that Marco and I would ever recommend . His name is Luis , he 's from Italy . I think Antonya will much like his styles . Tell him I recommended you to see him . " " Thankyou , my lord . " Not long after they had finished speaking , Vladimir came back and Cristian stood to meet him . " Well ? " he questioned . " He said that he will be present at the castle tomorrow , and will bring the clothes with him then . I thankyou so much Cristian ! " Smiling , they walked outside and Vladimir whistled to Diego . Together the trio walked towards the castle , reminiscing their childhood days . Antonya paced through the western courtyard waiting for Velibor to turn up . She had worn the dress he loved most , and she had wished to make up with him , and tell him the news . She sat there for a while , and then gave up . How long had she waited for him and he had not shown ? She walked back broken heartedly towards her room . She was in the corridor leading up to her room , when she heard voices coming from the courtyard outside . Looking out through one of the many windows , she saw the general and Velibor deep in discussion . He glanced up in her direction , and she moved on quickly , pretending not to notice . Surely he despised the general , and here he was walking with him ? Antonya reached her room eventually , and sat on one of the chairs near the window . It was a fairly nice day today . The sun was shining , there was some blue sky . She walked to her wardrobe and began to sort through the clothes there . Half of this stuff is too cold for Moscow , she thought . Leafing through her many dresses , she found one of her old favourites . Full length and long sleeved , it was black with blue ribbons and silver lace . The tailor that had made it for her had said it was like the finest gowns that they wore in Great Britain . Maybe her parents would let her travel there one day , for this gown was truly beautiful . She called a maid to help her , and she dressed in it for old times ' sake . Her hair was done , and she smiled . She decided to stay in that dress for the rest of the day , and returned to sorting through her dresses . Suddenly two hands wrapped themselves tightly around her waist and someone began to kiss the back of her neck . " I remember the day I first saw you " Velibor said , turning her around to face him . " You wore this dress , and it was the banquet for me and those who trained with me , in honour of our training being over . You sat there next to your father , watching me constantly with the biggest smile on your face ! " She put her hands on his face , and she began to kiss him . He always tasted nice . Sweet like the strawberries that Lukas made , yet so strong and powerful . She savoured every bit of him , drawing him closer , all the while still kissing him slowly , passionately , wanting to devour him . He wrapped his arms ever so tightly around her , holding her so tightly he could feel every part of her . Her heart beat so strongly , and it only aroused his desire for her and made it grow stronger . Her small , delicate hands were in his hair , then on his shoulders . He began to unlace the back of her dress , but she pulled away . " Please , not today Velibor . " She looked at him pleadingly , and he drew her in again , doing the lace back up , and kissing her neck . She laughed , and together they sat at the window . " I missed you Antonya . " He said slowly , his thick accent hypnotising her . She leaned down to hug him , resting her cheek on his . " I love you so much Velibor " she whispered softly in his ear . " I 'm sorry for missing you today Antonya , and meeting in the western courtyard . I got caught up . " Antonya sat back , studying his face . He looked back at her , questioningly , wondering what she was searching for in him . " Caught up ? " She replied , trying not to accuse him of anything . She looked at him , knowing full well where he had been . " I saw you , and I know you saw me . I shouldn 't hide these things from you , I 'm sorry . " He grabbed her hand and pulled her up for a walk . Together they wandered around the countless corridors and passages in the castle . " I was trying to bargain with the general , so that if they do send me to the war , I may be in one of the less dangerous parts , so that I will surely come back to you . The conversation seemed to go okay . " She looked at him , trying not to laugh . She found it so funny that he didn 't know the general properly , he himself having been trained by the general for seven years . Surely he knew what the general was like . They stopped at one the windows looking down on the town and stayed there a while . " Velibor , I love you , you know that . " He looked at her , staring into her eyes , searching the deep , mysterious hazel oceans that seemed trapped inside them . " What 's up Antonya ? Please don 't be mad at me , or angry ! I love you ! " He drew her close and held her tight . She was cold , and his embrace brought some warmth , but nothing more . " You know how father and I constantly argue ; and you know first hand him and mother don 't approve of us . Marco doesn 't care , but all this trouble with father is ruining his health , not to mention the stress of the war and all the townspeople . " " What are you trying to say Antonya ? I don 't understand . " She looked up at his dark brown eyes , and studied his gently tanned face . " I … I don 't know how to say it Velibor . I love you ! It 's not because I don 't love you ! " She burst into tears and buried her face in his chest . He stroked her hair , and held her tightly . " Let 's go somewhere warmer and talk there . " To cheer her up , he lifted up Antonya and carried her through some of the corridor . Putting her down gently , he pushed her against a wall and kissed her . " Antonya I love you more than the world . I want you more than anything else . I want to be one with you ! I want to have you with me forever ! " He pressed up against her and held her fast , kissing her so strongly . She felt his heart beating against her skin . How she longed for this ! They were closer to his room , so he took her there . Sitting close by the fire to warm her up , he lay on the floor next her and drew pictures on her leg . She lay down with him , and he held her . " I love you , Antonya " he whispered gently in her ear , his lips brushing against her cheek . Deciding against telling him , Antonya lay back and let Velibor lie on her . His hands caressed her body while he whispered softly to her in between kisses . She fell asleep in his arms . He kissed her and kissed her , but fell back , the fire slowly lulling him to sleep . Gently he pulled off the outer garment of her dress , and lay it on the chair . She was so small and fragile when she was asleep ! He lay back down next to her and stroked her soft , pale cheeks . Placing a kiss gently on her lips , he lifted her up and lay her on his bed , covering her with the sheets . He sat on the edge of the bed , stroking her face and talking softly to her . He stood and closed the door , then climbed into bed beside her , wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in the back of her neck . She smelled so sweet . Together they slept there . Velibor woke first , hearing the sound of a maid entering to stoke the fire . He sat up , and glanced out his door . Across the corridor from his room was a window that looked out to the hills behind the castle . It was getting dark outside . The maid left , and Velibor shut the door . If he wanted Antonya , then now was the only time he was going to get her . Removing his shirt , he turned and face his sleeping love . She stirred in her sleep , and he rolled her over gently . She woke up , and he lay on top of her , kissing her softly and slowly . She returned his kisses with more power as she became more awake . Suddenly she realised what he was trying to do , and she sat up . He sat on her , wondering what she was doing . Looking at him with ears in her eyes , she got out of the bed , only to find that her outer dress was missing . " Velibor ! " She cried , collapsing on the mat in front of the fire . " You promised me it wouldn 't be like this . When we were both ready is what you said ! " He looked at her , dumbstruck . Isn 't this what they both wanted ? " But I thought … " he began , but stopped . He helped her up off the floor , and held her tight . Pressing her head into his chest , she cried . He felt her warm tears fall on his bare chest , and lifted her chin up . He wiped away her tears and kissed her softly . " I 'm sorry Antonya " he said , tears welling up in his eyes . He helped her dress up again , and made a sorry attempt at fixing her hair . Luckily a maid had come to inform them that dinner would start soon , so he employed her help . Antonya did not smile for the rest of the time , and he held her in his arms , crying , longing to feel her return his hug , or return his kisses , but there was nothing . She saw Velibor cry , yet felt unable to do anything . He hadn 't done anything to her , but how could he let it go this far ? Her heart began to soften though , and she reached up brushed away his tears , holding his face in her hands . " I 'm sorry " he whispered , as tears began to fall again from his eyes . She kissed him , and held him tight . He kissed her back , and pulled her in tightly . " You should dress . " Mumbled Antonya , as she was tracing the lines on his chest . How strong he was ! She was sitting in his lap , and he lifted her up with him , and sat her down on the bed . Kissing her , he bent down to pick up his shirt and his coat . Eyes swollen from crying , he found it hard to do up the buttons , so Antonya stood and helped him . They kissed one last , long time , savouring every moment . " I promise that I love you , Antonya ! I love you so much I cannot describe it with words … no act of love would be enough ! Not even the stars in the sky , once counted could show by how much I love you ! " when you know love - you know the world . but the world is full of everything , not just smiles and happy faces . the world knows the pain AND the glory . so too will you , when you know love . . . |
" Heard him ? I didn 't hear him say nothing to make you unhappy . In fact , I thought things been going real well lately . I did hear him give a list to Pa and remind him to get those things in Sacramento when he was there . " Stopping work and leaning on his fork , Hoss frowned and thought about everything that had been said so far . Nothing in the conversation made any sense to him to explain why Little Joe was upset . He thought it through one more time and still made no sense of it . " That 's what I thought they were . Little Joe , now why would Adam reminding Pa to get things for him to give to us at Christmas make you upset ? It makes no sense to me at all . " Little Joe dropped down on to a bale of hay looking as disconsolate as possible . " Oh , Hoss , don 't you get it . Adam is going to give us some really nice presents at Christmas . " " Yeah , that 's why I 'm mad at Adam . He 's going to give me a real nice present and I won 't have something nice for him , and that 's going to make me look bad . If he wouldn 't give me something so nice then I wouldn 't look so bad . " " Well , I had this idea about writing some stuff for school and then getting some good grades on it and then wrapping some ribbons on it and saying I worked real hard to show him I could do it and that 's my present to him . " Joe looked up hopefully at Hoss who nodded after a moment 's thought . " You think Pa will like that ? " " Yup , I think that 's a right fine idea . Pa will think you put some real thought into that one . At least it 's got the right spirit . You 're trying to give Pa something he really wants . " Hoss pursed his lips as he was thinking . " You know , you could do something kinda like that for Adam . You know how you like to do things to set him off ? You know how you like to see him get mad and stomp around . Well , how about if you did the opposite ? How about if you did nice things for him for the next three weeks at least ? You could make a list of things that you did to help him out instead of doing things to make him mad . " " Yeah , but he had to catch me first . He was huffing pretty good by the time he caught me . For a while there I thought I might get away . " " He meant that once he 's after you , he never gives up . He wouldn 't have stopped chasing you no matter what . You had no chance of getting away . " " If I do nice things for him , half the fun is going to see the look of shock on his face . He 'll be wondering what trick I 've got planned . He won 't believe I 'm being that nice . This could be a lot of fun too . " " I 'm not so sure you have the right attitude for this . Maybe you ought to forget it and ask Pa for a loan against your future allowance . I 'm pretty sure he 'd give you some money if it was to buy presents for Christmas . " " No , I think I 'll try out your other ideas . That way , I 've already got almost a dollar to buy you a present . With my allowance in the next three weeks , that gives me almost four dollars . I can still get you a present and one for Mary Lou . " " Yeah , that 's what we 've been talking about . Did you forget already ? I thought I explained it well enough . And you gave me the solution too . Thanks , Hoss , you 're a great big brother . I knew I could count on you to help me out . I have to get going to school now . I 've got some work to do there so I can show Pa how well I 've been working there . It 's going to be the best present I can give him for Christmas . I 'm going to be thinking of things I can do for Adam too so by the time Christmas rolls around , I can tell him that all of those were for Christmas too . " " But I always do nice things for Mary Lou so how would that be a present ? She expects me to be nice to her . Adam doesn 't expect me to be nice to him all the time . I 'm nice most of the time though , but now I won 't play those tricks on him and I 'll do some extra nice things for him . Now that 's a present . " " Pa 's gonna be gone for a week or more for those meetings in Sacramento . This 'll be a good time for you to get started on being nice to Adam . It shur is gonna make it a lot easier on all the rest of us too to have the two of you getting along instead of butting heads while Pa 's gone . " " Oh oh , there 's Adam hollering for me . I better go . He thinks I 'm going to be late for school now cause we took too long doing chores . I 'll start by not back - talking him . You 'll see , Hoss . I can do this . " A short time later , Adam walked into the stable looking a bit confused . He had berated Little Joe for taking so long in the stable that he might be late to school , and Joe had apologized and promised he would try to do better in the future , thanked Adam for the reminder , and then mounted up to ride to school . Adam asked Hoss if he knew what had affected Little Joe so much and wondered aloud if their father leaving again could be the cause . Hoss smiled and said that maybe their little brother was growing up some and trying to act more like a man . Adam shrugged and said he had some paperwork to do for their father and then would go to the breaking corrals in the afternoon to begin working with the horses that they had recently brought in . Hoss headed that way to repair the fencing that several of those horses had damaged in trying to escape . " Adam , those two blacks in that group , that big stallion and the big mare are maybe too wild . Maybe you ought to think about letting them go instead of trying to ride ' em . They 're plumb mean ones . " " I 'll take my time with them . I 'll handle the others first . Once the two of them are in the corrals for a week or more , maybe we can gentle them down some before I try to ride them . How about that for a plan ? " " I dunno . Let 's see what they 're like in a week . Maybe ask Pa what he thinks when he gets back . " As soon as he said it , Hoss knew it had been the wrong thing to say . Adam would probably take that as a challenge and he did . Hoss could see it in the way he adjusted his posture and by the look on his face . He was determined to ride those two blacks now , and Hoss felt badly that he had been the one to firmly back that idea with what he had said . At school , the teacher was nervous all day . She kept waiting for the surprise that she was sure Little Joe Cartwright was going to pull on her or someone else . His behavior had been impeccable and that was the most worrisome thing she could imagine . He was polite . He worked diligently . He didn 't say or do anything to rile up anyone . It was a nerve - wracking day . She was so relieved when it was over , but then she knew she would spend a sleepless night worrying about what that scamp might be planning because it must be his worst yet for him to be so angelic for an entire day . He had to be setting her or someone else up for a gigantic prank . She thought and thought and couldn 't come up with a single idea of what he might be thinking of doing to wreak havoc in the school . She thought perhaps she would like to talk with his father or oldest brother about him , but she realized too that she had no complaint . His father was unlikely to accept her reasoning although perhaps his brother would . They had commiserated on more than one occasion about the mischievous boy and how he seemed to take enjoyment from making them furious . Both had pledged to try to avoid allowing him to do that , and both had failed of course . They might have been pleased to know though that Little Joe had an equally difficult day . " I am not afraid of Adam . I 'm doing this for my Pa . I 'm going to not get in trouble for three weeks . I 'm going to do all my work and show him how good I can be in school . It 's going to be my Christmas present to him . " " Really ? I was gonna give my pa that pocketknife I won off you , but this is even better . I get to keep the pocketknife and get to make my pa happy . Hey , I 'll do it too . " By the end of the day after two recesses and lunch , all the older boys in school had heard of what Little Joe and Seth were doing and had decided to join in . It was a harrowing day for the teacher . She kept waiting for the plot to unfold and it never did . Even after the students left for the day , she opened the door to the closet cautiously , and when she needed to use the necessary , she walked all around it and examined it carefully and then proceeded with the utmost caution when opening the door . It took her four times as long to use the necessary as usual and anyone watching might have thought her a bit daft , but she was worried . She walked the circumference of the school twice outside too looking for anything unusual and found nothing . She checked the wood box inside , the water buckets and pitchers , and the stack of rags used to wipe the board clean . All was completely normal . She graded papers , prepared lessons for the next day , and worked until her usual time but knew she wasn 't going to sleep well that night . After school , Little Joe had gone directly home after seeing Mary Lou to her house which was conveniently on the way . As soon as he got home and took care of his horse , he did his barn chores and then went to the washhouse to clean up . He had an hour before dinner and Hoss and Adam weren 't back yet so he sat at the table and diligently worked at his homework . Hop Sing looked out and frowned wondering what he had done wrong , but at least it wasn 't his problem . He didn 't have to intervene as long as Little Joe did what he was supposed to do at home . If he was in trouble at school , that was number one son 's responsibility with Mister Cartwright away . Hop Sing did sympathize with the young man having to shoulder the responsibility of the ranch and of his youngest brother when he was only twenty - five . In his mind that was too young to have to deal with a rambunctious , mischievous teenager . He went back to preparing dinner and hoped that things could remain peaceful for the remainder of the week although he doubted it would be so . The peace only lasted until Adam got into the house to find Little Joe working on his homework . Little Joe swallowed the resentment that question brought up ignoring of course that usually he needed to be reminded to do his chores and certainly needed to be reminded to do his homework . " Yes , my chores are done . I 'm almost done with my homework for tomorrow , but I have to work on the writing project we have to turn in before Christmas break . I thought I would do some of that tonight . She wants three pages and we can 't write big either . She said she 's counting words and it has to be a normal sized writing and three paragraphs per page at least . " " You 're working on your homework without being told and you 're going to work on your writing project ahead of time ? What kind of trouble did you get in to at school today ? Do you have a note that you 're supposed to show me ? " " No , I didn 't get into any trouble . I 'm doing this because it 's the right thing to do . I 'm growing up , Adam , in case you hadn 't noticed . I can handle my responsibilities just fine . Pa said if I do well at school this year , that I might finish up this year and start working the ranch full time next year . " " Yeah , yeah , I know . I heard it a thousand times . " Then Little Joe remembered what his Christmas present to Adam was supposed to be . " I guess that was hard on you , but this is hard on me . I 'm doing the best I can , you know . I 'm probably going to be able to pass the test by the end of this year . " " But not in this school , and I 'm not going to college so Pa doesn 't need to get me a tutor or send me off to another school somewhere . Adam , did you ever , you know , think it was a mistake to go off to college for four years . You know , was it worth it to leave here to learn all that stuff and then come back here to do what you could have done without going to school ? " That hit a bit close to how Adam felt on many days , but he wasn 't ready to have that conversation with his thirteen - year - old brother , Adam was a bit brusque in his answer . " It 's never a mistake to keep learning . Now , you better be telling me the truth about school . I 've already had enough trouble around here for one day . " " Pa wanted me to check the herd counts because he said the math didn 't add up . And they don 't . We 're missing about one hundred head . And I spent the afternoon trying to ride some of those horses the men brought in and those are the sorriest bunch we 've had in a long time . The two best ones may not be breakable and the others aren 't going to sell for much . It 's been a bad day . I 'm hoping that Hoss is going to come home with some good news . " " You wouldn 't back down , would you , Adam ? Pa would never back down . If they 're our cattle , then they 're our cattle . " Angry at being dismissed , Little Joe was ready to retort but remembered his plan for Adam 's Christmas gift and held back . He was beginning to realize how difficult it was going to be to do this for three weeks , but he was committed to the plan so he remained silent and bent his head over his book and paper and set to work again . Adam had turned to leave but was surprised not to have an angry comment thrown his way . He glanced back at Little Joe and saw him turn to his homework . Something was going on there too , but he had bigger problems to handle at that point . He was going to have to hope that the issues with Little Joe could keep for a few days at least . He heard Hoss ride in and went to meet him instead of washing for dinner . " Bad news , Adam . The fences are all intact all the way around those pastures . Some may be sagging a bit in some places , but none are down . However those cows got out , they had help . " " I 'm thinking rustlers . This time of year , there ain 't no calves . They 're taking branded cattle . Our neighbors would have to be too worried about doing that . Ifn I had to guess more , I 'd say they 're killing them and selling the meat to the miners and settlers who are pouring through here now . Most who get this far are low on supplies . Fresh meat at a cheap price would get them some money fast . " " So they take five or ten at a time . We would hardly miss them on a day - to - day basis . A few days or a week later , they 're back for more . We haven 't missed any for a few days so we have to put out men to watch for them . " " No , they aren 't so we 're going to have to take our turns too to keep the peace . I 'll offer extra pay for the nights spent out there too . We 'll have to set men up in several locations and hope we spot the rustlers . Damn , I wish Pa had figured this out before he left . I have to get those horses broke this week too . Something 's going on with Little Joe too . He 's acting strange . " Adam gave Hoss a skeptical look . " I hope you 're right . Go on and take care of your horse . I 'll go talk to the men . " It was a long cold night for Adam who took a turn out in the cold with the men that night . They saw nothing and rode back in the next morning as Hoss and the other men were getting ready to go to work and Little Joe was heading out to school . The men riding in were surly and that included Adam . Spending a night out in the cold without any hot coffee or anything to take the chill out of the duty was bad enough but to do it with no results made it worse . The men at least had the benefit of extra pay . They headed to the bunkhouse to get some sleep . Hoss intercepted Adam on the way to the stable . " I figured I could ride a few horses this morning first and then grab some sleep and ride a few more later in the afternoon . " Seeing Hoss ' worried look , Adam softened his approach . " Look , I was only planning on giving a last ride to the ones I gentled out yesterday , and then this afternoon , I 'll take the easier ones . I 'll save the blacks for later , all right ? " " No , he was no trouble at all . Got himself up and ready on time . You seen him leaving when you rode in . He won 't be late . " " Good . I hope he can keep it up at least for the week while Pa 's gone so I don 't have to deal with anything . I got my hands full as it is . Now you 're going to ride the fence lines looking for any tracks today , right ? " At Hoss ' nod , Adam had to give him a warning . " Take a man with you . If there are rustlers out there , they aren 't going to like the idea of you doing that . Keep a man watching your back . " " I will . I plan to stay out there too for the night . Taking enough to eat for the day . I already talked to some of the other men and we agreed on who will take up which spots tonight according to where you said you wanted men . " Work went about as expected for Adam except everything took longer than expected . He was tired and that was the cause of it . The men knew it and said nothing , but Adam was upset with himself . By the time he finished with what he wanted to do that morning , it was already noon . He went in to get some lunch having skipped breakfast , and Hop Sing was ready with a stern lecture for him . He took that because he was too tired to argue , ate his lunch , and then lay on the settee where he immediately fell asleep . He awoke to the sound of Little Joe entering the house and knew he had slept longer than he intended . He sat up groggy and still tired . Not knowing that Adam had slept less than four hours , Little Joe decided to tease him a little . With a growl , Adam grabbed his hat and jacket and headed out the door . " Get your homework done . " He slammed the door before Little Joe had a chance to respond . " He work all night looking for rustlers . Then he work all morning with horses . He only sleep few hours , and boy poke him with words then . " Hop Sing 's raised eyebrows and stern look left no doubt as to his expectation as to what Little Joe should do . " I 'll tell him I 'm sorry . I didn 't know . I do have good news though . I had another good day at school . The teacher keeps giving me strange looks though . She seems to think I 'm doing something wrong by being good . It 's kind of weird . " " Huh ? " Little Joe thought about that for a moment before smiling . " Yeah , that 's probably it . It 's kind of fun being good at school . It makes everyone nervous especially because all my friends are being good too . We 're all giving this to our fathers for Christmas . We 're not going to get into any trouble at school for three weeks . " " Boy wants to be man has to act like man . Man not see few months as long time , see few months as opportunity . Only boy see few months as long time . " " Yeah , I did . Yeah , maybe it wouldn 't be so bad . If I can do it for three weeks , then a few more months wouldn 't be so hard . Thanks , Hop Sing . You really know how to talk to a man . " " I talk to boy about being man . I wait to see if he can do it . Now I fix dinner . You remember what you have to do . " Dinner was late because Adam worked until it was too dark to do any more . When he came in , Hop Sing and Little Joe were upset with him . Hop Sing was upset because he had to hold dinner and it made the food less good than it would have been if served when it was ready , and Little Joe was upset because he had been practicing his apology and in general , he wasn 't patient by nature . He apologized but with less sincerity than he should have had . Adam nodded and said a simple thank you . It was quiet after that with Adam heading to bed with an admonishment to Little Joe to go to bed soon and remember to lock the doors , close the shutters , and set the firescreen in front of the fireplace . In the morning , Adam was feeling a bit better but still was feeling the pressure of having a lot to do . He was relieved to find that Little Joe was up , did his chores , and was ready for school with no prompting . He even managed a quick thank you for that which surprised his youngest brother who left for school with a smile on his face as Hoss rode in with a scowl on his . " Nope , and we never found no tracks yesterday neither . Adam , I got an idea and we need to talk . Let 's go inside after I put my horse away . " " I been thinking , and now I 'm wondering if maybe it 's an inside job . We never see tracks . We never notice a fence down . Nobody never sees nothing wrong but we got nearly a hundred cattle gone . " " Now , Adam , not all the men drink , but there are some who have a nip at night . The other men make sure that 's all it is too . Nobody wants to take a chance on working with somebody been drinking . If there was a problem they couldn 't handle , they 'd bring it to us . It 's fine . As for the gambling , they keep it friendly . Nobody can borrow to play , they limit the pots to five dollars , open with two bits , and raises are no more than two bits . It 's just friendly poker playing . Most of the time nobody wins or loses more than five or ten dollars at most . " " Good . I figured you 'd be all right with it . Now last night , we had a lot of time to wait , and Shorty was telling me that two of the men you hired last summer never seem to do well in those games but they always seem to have money to play and money to go to town every Saturday night too . He was wondering how they do it . It got me to thinking too . Where could two ordinary cowhands get enough money to do that ? " " So as long as we 're out there looking , they won 't take any but it 's still costing us money . If we don 't watch , they 'll take cows , and that will cost us money . We 'll have to keep up the looking for a while so they don 't get suspicious . Going to be some long cold nights for a bit . Maybe four more nights and then we give it up and say it isn 't working and we 're turning it over to Roy ? " " That 's a good plan , Hoss . All right , three more nights . Then on Saturday , we 'll follow them . If it works out , we 'll have them by the time Pa gets back late on Saturday . All right , I have to get to work with those horses . I still need them ready by Saturday too . You get some rest . " " You be careful , Adam . Ifn those horses ain 't broke , it ain 't the end of the world . Pa will understand once he knows what else we had to do . " By Adam 's look , Hoss knew that Adam didn 't believe it . Adam had set himself a task and would push himself to complete it . Hoss was still worried about those two blacks and a tired Adam trying to ride them . There was no way around it though . Adam was set on doing it and proving himself once again to his father . Hoss didn 't think that he needed to do it , but somehow Adam always felt that he had to do it . As much as Little Joe was pushed into things by his impulsiveness and cockiness , Adam was pushed by his pride . They couldn 't seem to help themselves . That day found Adam sore from breaking horses and Hoss tired out from a night on the range , but the next day was worse for Adam as he was exhausted and still had horses to break . He had the men put saddles on the blacks but didn 't ride them . They were agitated enough with the bridles and the saddles they had to endure for most of the day . Adam had them take the tack off at the end of the day and let them run for a bit but then had them put in with some of the Ponderosa horses for the night . He thought that might calm them down somewhat because he hoped to try riding them the next afternoon . Hoss saw it near the end of the day . " I have to ride them . They 're the best of the bunch , and they have calmed down some since they first got here . As I 've green broken some of the others , they seem to have lost some of that fight that was in them . " " Oh , I know it won 't be easy . I 'll get some sleep tomorrow morning and have the hands run them some . Then in the afternoon , I 'll try to ride them . It may take more than one try . " " Maybe ? It 's gonna take a bunch of tries with those two . " And again Hoss regretted those words as soon as he said them . He knew Adam would take it as a challenge , and he did . " Those two blacks are worth more than the other horses together . It will be worth it if I can tame them . " He saw Little Joe ride in at that point . " And what 's up with Little Joe . He 's been almost angelic . It makes me nervous . " " You shouldn 't always think the worst of our little brother . He is growing up , you know . It could be that he isn 't getting into trouble any more . " " I could accept that except it happened so suddenly . That makes me wonder what is going on . There has to be a reason for the sudden change . I think I ought to talk to him and try to find out what it is . " Looking at Hoss and the serious expression he had , Adam reconsidered . " All right , I trust you . You seem to know more about this than I do , and if you can tell me there 's nothing to worry about , then I 'll accept it . " Hoss nodded . That night he watched as Adam packed up to ride off to watch for rustlers even though he didn 't expect to find anyone . The day after that they planned to call off the search as not working . Then they would watch the two men they suspected to see what they would do . The next morning , Hoss had a full slate of tasks to do but saw Little Joe off to school first . " It 's better than all right , Hoss . It 's been fun being good . The teacher is so jumpy , she looks like she 'll hop right out of her skin if we drop a pencil . Even the little kids are behaving better with all of us being good . I think she thinks we 're all up to something , and it 's got her mighty worried . I guess this isn 't much of a Christmas present to her . " " Nah , seems to me you all are doing it to her and enjoying it too . Think about it anyway . Maybe ifn you all talk about it , you 'll see if a mite differently . " Little Joe rode off then as Hoss shook his head . Little Joe could seem so grown up in some ways but then not in other ways at the same time . He hoped he would change his attitude about how they were treating the teacher . She wasn 't a bad sort in Hoss ' estimation , and having her feeling so upset seemed downright mean to him . He saw the men put the saddles on the blacks then and take them out to run them to tire them for Adam later . He shook his head at that too . He thought he ought to be back here by the afternoon when Adam decided to try to ride those horses . He got back as Adam was climbing onto the back of the black mare . She seemed reasonably calm in the chute but as soon as she was released , she gave vent to her fury at having a rider on her back . Adam gave her a good ride though and almost managed to stay on her back until she did a series of jumps followed by a kick and then a head down maneuver that sent him into the dirt . She stood heaving then with her exertion , and Adam stood with a smile . " I want to give her a go while she 's still winded and tired . I didn 't ride any other horses first so I would be fresh for these two . I 'll ride the stallion next , and then I 'll come back and give her another ride . I doubt I 'll manage to hold my seat on him for that long , but I might manage . Wish me luck . " Watching the men trying to settle the stallion down in the chute , Hoss was worried . " You 're gonna need more than luck with that one . Maybe you should hold off another day . He seems too ornery right now . " " I 'll keep two riders in with me . If it looks bad , they can box him in and get me off of him if I even stay on him that long . Everyone here knows he 's a tough one because they 've been working with him for a couple of days already so they 'll watch out for me . " Hoss could only hope that was enough . As Adam settled down onto the stallion 's back , he tried to buck him off in the chute . It took much more time than usual to even have Adam ready to release the gate for the ride . Hoss had never seen a horse explode out of the chute like that before . The men on horseback in the breaking corral had a hard time controlling their horses as the stallion furiously stomped around bucking and kicking . Adam waved for the men to box the stallion in but they couldn 't get close enough before Adam went flying into the corral fence . The stallion charged him then , but the men were able to get between him and Adam . Adam rolled under the bottom rail with Hoss ' assistance . N He was bleeding from a cut on the side of his head and was holding his left arm that had taken the brunt of the collision . He flexed his fingers and gingerly moved his arm as he grimaced in pain . " Wow , Adam , that was some ride . You going to ride him again ? " Little Joe had gotten home in time to see the ride on the black stallion . " The teacher wasn 't feeling good and told us after lunch to work on our writing for a while . She went outside , and we heard her puking . Then she came back inside and told us to pack up our stuff and go home . I guess we have school tomorrow . She didn 't say not to come to school . " " Nope , I 've been good every day this week . There 's nothing for the teacher to complain about at all . " Little Joe couldn 't help himself . He had to brag a little . " I even talked some of my friends into being good too . " Adam raised an eyebrow . " I did . " " I believe you . I 'm surprised though . " At Little Joe 's frown , Adam amended his statement . " Pleasantly surprised . It 's been a tough few days , and thank you for a bright spot . " " Of course . You may be many things , but you don 't lie . You may exaggerate , leave things out , and try to make things look better than they are , but you don 't lie . I believe you . " " Hoss , you saw her . I almost had her the last time . One more ride and I 'll have her green broke . Tomorrow , I may be too sore and tired to do it . I might have to give up on that stallion , but the mare I 'm riding . " With that , Adam did his best to stride off with confidence but his sore left hip gave him a bit of a hitch in his walk . He told the men to get the mare in the shoot . They weren 't so sure it was a good idea either but got the same argument Hoss had gotten . They brought the mare into the chute . She was more docile than the stallion , but any horse was more docile than that stallion . Adam waited until they had her calmed as much as they could . Then he moved into position and took his time settling into the saddle and getting her calm again . The ride went well and Hoss and Little Joe were cheering as Adam brought the mare to a standstill . Adam didn 't dare smile though until the two riders boxed her in and gave him a hand to slide off her backside . All would have been well except for a shriek from the stallion that got one last buck and a kick from the mare . The kick caught Adam in the back as he was sliding down and sent him face first into the dirt . Hoss jumped over the corral fence and raced to his brother rolling him over . Adam groaned and grimaced as he looked up at his younger brothers ' worried faces . Hurt worse than he let on , Adam did his best that evening to make sure that Hoss had no idea that his vision was fuzzy and that he was having trouble remembering what happened that afternoon . He knew that he had been working with the horses so he assumed he had been thrown . Little Joe made some comments about the blacks so he assumed that he had been thrown by one or both of the blacks . He didn 't dare talk about it too much or Hoss would realize that he couldn 't remember . His head injury was more serious than he had realized . He should probably be in bed but there was a lot of work to do . If his logic was working better , he would have realized that being in bed would not have surprised anyone and that there was no work to do that night anyway . Hoss left after dinner to do the night watch for the rustlers . Hoss hadn 't noticed that Adam didn 't eat but pushed the food around on his plate . Adam was sore enough though that when Hop Sing insisted on a bath , he gave in on that point without protest . In the warm bath , he fell asleep and might have slipped under the water if Hop Sing had not come back in with a big pot of warm water to pour over his head to rinse his hair . Hop Sing pulled him up and woke him realizing too at that point that Adam was probably more seriously injured than he had admitted . He never left the washroom again until Adam was out of the bath and wrapped in his robe . Adam heard him muttering about him being too proud , but he was too worried about him to get too upset . Hop Sing saw all the bruises and the bump on his head . " You go to bed now . I make sure little brother go to bed . " Hop Sing 's worries were confirmed when Adam agreed and went to bed . He was very worried about the number one son . The next morning when Adam woke up , his vision had cleared , but he was still dizzy and nauseated . He discovered that when he stood up too quickly and had to fall back across the bed . He rolled on his side and waited for the room to stop moving . Then he got up more slowly and dressed with deliberation . Every part of him was sore and stiff , and he had a major headache that was worse if he made any sudden movements . He headed down the stairs as Little Joe came out of his room and moved quickly down the stairs calling back that Adam should hurry because Hop Sing had promised flapjacks . The thought of that made Adam 's stomach object so he headed out to do chores without even stopping for a cup of coffee . Hoss arrived home before he finished , and Adam volunteered to take care of his horse . It took care of two issues because Hoss wouldn 't get a chance to see how slowly he was moving and he could avoid breakfast without his brothers noticing . He was too proud to admit he was hurting and belonged in bed . By the time he returned to the house , Hoss had gone to bed and Little Joe had headed to school . He met Hop Sing at the door . With the tea and biscuits that Hop Sing brought out , Adam found that he did feel better , but he was also drowsy , leaned back , and intended to close his eyes for only a short time . With his injuries and exhaustion though , he fell into a sound sleep . Hop Sing came out to get the tray later and returned with a blanket that he draped over the young man sleeping in the chair . He didn 't dare wake him for he knew he would never go up to his bed like he should , but if he slept in the chair , he would still get the rest he needed . Hop Sing had the men hitch up the buckboard and headed to town to get the supplies they needed . By midafternoon , Hoss awoke in time to hear a rider enter the yard . He looked out the window to see his father was back early . With a smile , he pulled off his nightshirt and dressed listening to his father yelling at whom he assumed was Adam because the words ' proud ' and ' stubborn ' could be heard quite distinctly . He got a little bit of satisfaction hearing his brother taken down a peg or two because he thought he needed that . He had no idea how far his father had gone with that conversation though until he got downstairs and found his father inside but no sign of Adam . " Well , yeah , it 's real good to see you home early , Pa . I was upstairs and I heard you ride in . It got me smiling to see you back , but I heard yelling . " " I arrived home on a Friday afternoon to find your brother asleep on the porch . On an afternoon ! What kind of example does that set for the men ? So I asked him if that meant all the work was done , and he explained about the rustlers and about the horses . So I said that he tried to take care of a problem he should have taken to Roy and the Cattlemen 's Association , spent extra money trying to do it himself with no results , and in the process failed to do the job I told him had to be done by the end of this week . I told him he was too damn proud and stubborn always thinking he can do it his way . He needed to do what I told him to do . " " Oh , lordy ! " Hoss moved fast then pulling on the boots he had carried down the stairs and grabbing his hat and coat rushing out the door without any explanation . Ben stared after him and then followed . " Why ? Cause your pride is hurt ? " As soon as Hoss said it , he knew he had used the wrong words . Adam 's jaw was set and he told the man in the corral to pull the gate . They weren 't about to countermand Adam 's orders based on anything Hoss said . Ben was coming up but didn 't understand the situation well enough to stop Adam from riding . He hadn 't heard Hoss try to stop Adam . The black stallion didn 't care about any of that of course and began a fierce effort to unseat Adam from his back . The men there swore later they had never seen a horse move in so many different ways trying to unseat a rider nor had they ever seen a rider stick to a horse like Adam stuck that day . He was literally fighting for his life knowing that to be thrown could do exactly what Hoss feared . He gave it everything he had until the horse gave up . Two riders moved in immediately and bracketed the black and helped Adam slide from the horse 's back . He did , and Ben expected a smart comment . Instead he immediately crumpled to the ground . Ben and Hoss raced to his side as did several of the hands . He was unconscious . His nose was bleeding . Ben told one of the men to ride for Doctor Martin as the others helped get Adam into Hoss ' arms . A wagon was brought around and Hoss put Adam in the back for the ride to the house . Ben climbed into the back and cradled Adam 's head noticing for the first time the crusted blood on a cut . Ben thought back to how he had phrased the question and realized it had been accusatory and not inquisitive . No wonder Adam had gotten angry and stalked off without an explanation . Ben knew how proud his son was , had poked that pride , and shouldn 't have been surprised at the result . Now he had an injured and unresponsive son in his arms and worried if he would have the chance to apologize and explain . At the house , Hop Sing had returned . When he heard what had happened , he turned to Ben . " How you not know ? " Hop Sing paused and saw the guilty look . " You not ask him why he resting . You tell . All time proud stubborn man complain about proud stubborn son . Should look in mirror . Tiger cubs not come from sheep . " Ben had no answer . Hop Sing was correct . Adam had no obvious injuries other than those suffered the day before . They undressed him and cleaned him up . Ben was shocked by the amount of bruising that he saw , but again none of that explained why his son was unconscious . It had to be the head injury . They would have to wait for the doctor to tell them what was wrong . He pulled up a chair by Adam 's bed and sat down to wait . Hoss took the other chair . Sitting and waiting for Doctor Martin , Ben decided to explain to Hoss why he was home early . He spoke softly but clearly . " We didn 't get the contract . " " We did , but we ran into some bad weather and had to stay in a stage relay station for two days . We could still have made the trip , but the roads were bad after the storms and we hit a bad hole and broke a wheel and an axle . By the time they made the repairs , we didn 't have time to make the meeting . Dave Hunter and I turned around and came home . " " He rented a horse at the relay station and took off cross country . I didn 't think we would be so delayed . I laughed at him doing that , but I guess he got the last laugh . I presume he was the only one who got to the meeting . He must have won the bid by default . " " Yes , I have to admit that was probably it , and I took my anger out on Adam . He didn 't deserve that . I know he did the best he could do . " With a sheepish look , Ben nodded . " Now we 're back to my being on edge over losing that contract . That 's only money . I forgot for a little while there what is most valuable . I can only hope I haven 't lost my son because of my foolish pride . I can 't bear that thought . " " Pa , Adam 's pretty tough . He 's probably mostly exhausted and needed some rest . Maybe that 's most of it . Maybe when he gets a chance to rest up some , he 'll be fine . " Ben forced a small smile in answer to Hoss ' optimism , but he was worried . Paul arrived sooner than they expected . Apparently he had been on the road that morning , and Little Joe had told him that Adam had been hit in the head and kicked in the back the day before . With Ben gone on a trip , he had decided that a visit to the Ponderosa to check on Adam was a good idea . When he finally was able to get away , he was nearly there when the man Ben sent to get him told him that Adam had been hurt again . By the time he reached the bedroom , he was ready to fire off some expletives at Ben for allowing his son to ride a wild horse when he was already injured , but he held his tongue only telling Ben and Hoss to leave so he could examine Adam without any distractions . He walked down the stairs an hour later . " I heard what Hoss said earlier . There is some truth to it . Adam is exhausted . The injury to his back is part of that as well as not getting enough sleep and the stress of what he faced this week . However , the head injury that was aggravated by that ride today is by far the most serious problem . Luckily it appears that his head was not hit by anything again , but he was bounced around very hard from what I can tell . " Both Ben and Hoss nodded in confirmation . " I did get Adam to respond to me although he was in and out of awareness . He did know me at least . He has feeling in his arms and legs . His vision is blurry , and he has memory problems . All of those things point to a serious brain injury . Luckily there is no sign of apoplexy or catalepsy . " " He has no obvious weakness in his grip or movement on one side or the other , and no sign of a seizure or shaking . I 'll wait to see what color his urine is . I 'm concerned about that with that bruising on his back . Regardless , he needs to be kept very still and quiet until we can be sure there are no more problems because of that head injury . At this point , I would say it would be safe for him to out of bed in a week , but no going outside at all for at least two weeks . No work at all until I 'm sure that all his symptoms have cleared . I need to go back upstairs now . He should not be left alone for the next few days . Any fall could be disastrous . " Shortly after that , Little Joe came running into the house . " Pa , you 're home ! I saw Buck outside , and I was so excited . " Little Joe noticed that Doctor Martin wasn 't in the room even though his carriage was outside as well . " Where 's Doctor Martin ? I saw his carriage ? " " Oh , yeah , he said he was going to come out here and check on him . He said Adam pushes himself too hard , and he wanted to make sure he was all right . He is all right , isn 't he ? " " How ? I thought he would take it easy today . He could hardly walk last night , and Hop Sing said he would make him rest today . He said he would give him tea to get him to sleep . He even went to be before I did last night . " " It was my fault . I made Adam very angry with things that I said to him , and he did it without thinking about the consequences of his actions because he was so angry with me after what I said . I know he has a temper . I know because he gets it from me . I should have known better . It 's my fault . " " Pa , now that ain 't fair . Adam 's a man . He 's responsible for what he done . He knew better , and he knows he 's got that temper . He knows he should rein it in , and sometimes he don 't . That 's not your fault . For that matter , what I said to him at the chute didn 't help either . I shoulda thought first about what I was gonna say , but there wasn 't much time . I told him it was his damn pride . Well that was the wrong thing to say too , but it was still his decision and his temper making him do it . " " He had a head injury that probably affected his judgment though . I bear most of the responsibility for pushing him into a rash act . Hoss , you and Little Joe are blameless in this . At least you two can rest easy tonight with no guilt . " " Pa , that ain 't exactly true . " Hoss hung his head . " Besides what I told you , I kinda enjoyed hearing you laying into Adam . It seems he 's the one always getting the praise , and I kinda liked hearing him getting yelled at like that . That wasn 't very nice of me . I didn 't feel bad about it until I realized it meant he was gonna go try to ride that black . " " Uh , Pa , I have to show you something . It 's not that I did something bad , but the teacher doesn 't believe me . She sent this note home . She wants to see you on Monday morning . " Little Joe handed over the note then . He had pledged to be on his best behavior until Christmas and had found especially in situations like this that is was more difficult than he expected . He waited while his father read the note . When he guessed that he was done reading , he had to apologize . " I 'm sorry that it ruined your Christmas present . " " She says that you told her that you were going to be good for three weeks and you were going to give me that for my Christmas present . Then she said that you talked the other boys into doing the same for their fathers . She said that no one has done anything wrong at school all week . She doesn 't believe you . She thinks you 're setting her up for some major prank . She said she has been sick with worry . In fact , she said she was so sick , she had to dismiss the students early one day . " " Yeah , she sent us home early yesterday . I tried to talk to her yesterday and explain that we weren 't going to do anything bad , but she said she wasn 't feeling so good . Then today , she made me sit with her at lunch and she accused me of what she said in the note . Honest , Pa , it 's not true . " " Why didn 't you tell her right away early this week when you knew it was bothering her ? " At Little Joe 's guilty look , Ben knew . " You were rather enjoying her suffering the worry of you and the others being good . " " Well , we are quite a sorry lot , aren 't we . We 've all shown some of our true colors and right before Christmas . We didn 't get the contract , we still have rustlers out there , and Adam is going to be laid up for weeks . " Hoss wanted to bring up the only good news they had . " Pa , we did finish the horses though . We can get those delivered and get that money at least . I can handle that . " Fog , voices , and pain were what he faced each time he neared consciousness . He retreated each time . He heard his father and brothers talking but their voices were too loud and bothered him . He heard them call to him , but he didn 't want to respond . He heard another voice and knew the doctor was still there or had come back . He thought he had come back because he thought he had been there earlier but wasn 't sure . His memories were jumbled up . He remembered flashes of things , of his father angry being with him , of Hoss challenging him , of a big black horse , of rough riding that seemed to go on forever , and flashes of other things . He wasn 't sure of the order though nor why he had ended up in bed unable or unwilling to wake up entirely . His head hurt and when he had a moment to think about it , the rest of him hurt too . Mostly though , all of this was in a fog as if the parts were there but he couldn 't find them all at once because when he had one thought , the others mostly disappeared . He remembered that he had been thinking about other things but couldn 't remember clearly what they were . Gradually he understood more and more of what the voices were saying . " It 's too hard to say , Hoss . Until he wakes up completely , we won 't know what 's going on in that head of his . Paul said he may have some memory problems at first but that he will know us . " " He won 't likely remember how he was hurt . The last two days may not be clear to him . He was probably already affected from being hurt the first day , and then getting bounced around so much the second day made it worse . " " Well that may be overstating the case , but to some extent , yes . He may have been affected by the blow to his head the day before . Paul said it could have affected how he was thinking . He may not have been as clear headed as he normally is and he may have been acting more on what he was feeling . " Little Joe still wasn 't so sure . By his observation , Adam didn 't look very comfortable when his father and brother were talking . He whispered again . " I 'll sit with him while you talk with Sheriff Coffee . " Once Ben and Hoss left the room , Little Joe very carefully pushed the door closed and then sat on the chair by Adam 's bed . He smiled when Adam opened his eyes and looked at him . Little Joe poured a glass of water , and then held it to Adam 's lips as he struggled to raise his head to drink . He drained the glass though and asked for more . Little Joe gave him one more glass , and then Adam lay back and closed his eyes . He wasn 't asleep though . He startled Little Joe a bit by asking a question . " Oh ! He 's here because he did what you and Hoss were going to do . He 's had men watching those two men that you and Hoss thought might be stealing cattle and he 's been checking up on them too . He said he has enough evidence already to arrest them . He came to tell Pa before he takes them in . Clem is here with him . " " Yeah , you 've been in bed here for four days . Pa and Hoss and me have been taking turns sitting with you . Hop Sing takes turns too . Doctor Martin said we couldn 't leave you alone because if you tried to get out of bed and fell , it would be real bad . " Little Joe sat up a little prouder knowing that he had instinctively acted more in tune with what Adam needed than his father and Hoss had . He knew that Adam told him often that he was smart and needed to use his head more than his heart to make decisions . He guessed that he had used both to make that decision and it had turned out to be a good one . Anxious for his father and middle brother to return so he could tell them how well he had been doing , Little Joe was surprised by Adam 's question . " Uh , Pa had to go see the teacher on Monday morning on account of the note she sent home . She got upset because we were all being so good all week and when I told her I was the one who started it , she thought I was pulling some kind of big prank . When I told her the truth , she still didn 't believe me so she gave me a note to say that Pa had to come in and talk to her on Monday morning . That really ruined my Christmas present to Pa , don 't you think , Adam ? " " Well , that was yesterday morning , and when she told Pa what she done and why , he got kinda mad at her , and she got mad at him , and well they got into quite an argument . He told me I don 't have to go back to school with such a ' ninny ' for a teacher if I don 't want to . " Little Joe saw the shocked look on Adam . " It kinda shocked me too . He said it in front of her too . Now he was mad , and I guess he 'll have to go back and apologize to her , don 't you think ? " With a smile , Adam closed his eyes . " Yes , I think he will . " When the door opened , Adam opened his eyes again to see Sheriff Coffee enter with his father and Hoss . With a slight grimace , Adam closed his eyes before opening them again . Little Joe thought he ought to say something before anyone else talked . He whispered . " Adam says your loud voices hurt his head . He likes it better if you whisper . " " We caught those rustlers . It wasn 't only the two men you suspected . They had help from a couple of the miners here and a couple of other men . They cut out a few head and herded them to where the others were waiting . They butchered them on the spot , split up the meat to be sold , rolled up the hides after they cut out the brand , and then buried the rest . Altogether , I got six men in jail . It wasn 't only your ranch they was stealing from neither but they did take more from here than from any of the other ranches . " " Yes , Roy said it saved a lot of time to have you and Hoss narrow down the suspects to those two . By doing that , you saved us money and saved the other ranchers money too . There 's a small reward that the Cattlemen 's Association gives for help in situations like this . You and Hoss are getting it . " " Yes , I do put in half , but the other ranchers put in the other half . I think that 's fair and you boys deserve that reward . If I 'm paying into that fund all the time , I see no reason that the Ponderosa shouldn 't get the benefit from it too . " Having delivered his good news and seeing that Adam was going to be all right , Roy took his leave . Ben had some bad news to deliver to Adam then . He told him about losing the contract and that he hadn 't been able to get to Sacramento . " No , I 'm sorry I wasn 't . I guess that there 's a lot of bad news too despite all of our good intentions . In fact , there 's one more piece of bad news . This morning , that big black got brought back . Hoss delivered those horses on Saturday but they think that the big black isn 't a suitable horse for ranch work and brought him back . We had to refund the money for him . At least they found the rest of the horses acceptable so the contract was fulfilled . " A short time later , Ben walked down the stairs . He told Little Joe that he was writing a note of apology to the teacher and that Little Joe would be returning to school the next day . He also said that he had an errand and would be gone for a day probably . Hoss would be in charge while he was gone . " Adam has assured me that for the next two days , he will follow all of the doctor 's orders exactly and will give you no trouble . He promised and you know that Adam always keeps his promises . I have a trip to make and I need to go before the weather turns stormy . Adam gave me an idea of someone who might be willing to buy that big black . " Two days later , Ben arrived home late in the day . He was tired and needed a shave . He said he had sold the black and said nothing more . After dinner , Hop Sing got a bath ready for him , he shaved , and then he spent some time up in Adam 's bedroom visiting with him . The next day , he went to town and came home in an even better mood . He told Hoss to come with him as he hurried up to Adam 's room . He found his oldest son trying to read and frustrated that his vision was still making the written word a bit too blurry to do that easily . Ben pulled a telegram from his pocket . " I was going to give this to you , but under the circumstances , I 'll tell you what it says . Barney tried to take advantage of the other bidders not being at the meeting and set his prices very high . The company rejected his bid and has reopened the bidding process . We have been invited to submit a bid again and we can do it by mail this time . They will choose whichever bid they prefer and not necessarily the lowest bid . They will weigh all factors . " Hoss had to smile seeing both Adam and his father smiling together with all the past hurts forgotten . They were ready to move forward and work together . " It looks like it 's going to be a good Christmas now . Things are really looking up . " " Hoss , Adam and I have cooked up a bit of a surprise for Little Joe . We have something we would like you to do too . " And Ben then filled in Hoss on the surprise and the part they hoped he would play in it . They still had well over a week to get ready . Hoss found that he couldn 't stop smiling when he knew the plans . " Little Joe is still being good for everybody even though everyone knows it 's his present to you . He 's trying to show that he 's growing up . Hop Sing said he ought to behave at school until the end of the year . I think he might even try to do it . " " Try ? You don 't think that he can ? " Ben tried to look serious but he couldn 't hold it for long and had to crack a smile . Hoss had worried for he thought perhaps he was the only one who doubted his little brother 's ability to stay out of trouble for four months , but he saw Adam 's big grin then too . " Hoss , don 't worry . We know how hard he 's trying , and we know that even if he fails , he will have given it his best shot . I 'm already impressed that he 's gone this long . He 's shown some strength of character with this . Even if I doubt that he can make it to the end of the school year , that doesn 't take away from the respect I have for him and what he 's accomplished especially talking the other boys into being more mature as well . " " Yeah , that surprised me . I don 't think that will hold , but at least for now that teacher has some peace and quiet , but she sure is a suspicious one . She didn 't trust Little Joe even when he told her the truth . She ain 't a very good judge of character . " " Yes , Abigail Jones was our second choice . This one seemed more enthused about teaching but perhaps Abigail would be a more stable one . If this one quits on us , at least we know that Abigail is available . I 'll talk to her about being a substitute and about the possibility of stepping in full time to see if she 's agreeable . Perhaps when you 're feeling better , you could come along and help me persuade her if she needs persuading . Your college degree should impress her . " " I think until your vision clears , that 's the best idea . When you can see clearly , I 'm sure that he 'll let you do quite a bit more . " Ben saw the look Adam had at that point . " And don 't even think to try to deceive him . You will stay here in this room until your vision clears . You don 't want to make Hoss and I live with the guilt if something happens to you , now do you ? " Adam sighed in frustration at being trapped in his room . Ben softened his approach . " Perhaps tomorrow , Hoss and I can get you downstairs for breakfast and the rest of the day if you promise to rest and not overdo things . You can take a nap in the downstairs guestroom and Paul can see you there if he stops by tomorrow . " " Paul , it was my idea . Adam couldn 't do anything in his room because he can 't read . Hoss and I helped him dress and helped him down the stairs this morning . He hasn 't tried to walk without one of us being there , and he has the downstairs guest room to take a nap if he gets tired . I 'll help him walk there if you would like to see him . " Mollified by the precautions they had taken , Paul did a quick examination of Adam who said he would submit to an exam right there . He pulled off his shirt for Paul who found his recovery to be progressing well . Paul cautioned them to continue to be careful . " Any head injury is not to be taken lightly . Bleeding occurred inside the skull and there is nothing that any doctor can do to stop it if it starts again . There is likely still blood there that needs to dissolve much like a bruise needs to be dissolved by the body . You know that it can take weeks for a nasty bruise to disappear entirely . When you see that awful bruise on his back fade away , then you know that the one on his brain is gone too . Keep that in mind . " Adam 's father and brothers were a bit shocked then as they saw how dark and multicolored the bruise on Adam 's back still was and then imagined such a bruise on his brain . Paul saw the looks . " Yes , it 's good for you to think that way . He 's got a serious injury even if you can 't see it , and he needs to take great care for at least another week to let the healing progress without interruption . " With a grin , Adam agreed . " Can I do the rest of what you do , Pa ? I seem to remember a handful of snow down the back of my neck when I was carrying the tree and couldn 't defend myself . " Laughing , Paul said his goodbyes and left the family in good spirits . Over the next week , Ben made another few trips to town . He had sent the letter with the timber bid and anxiously awaited a reply and had sent an order to Sacramento and hoped the item would arrive in time for Christmas . He also purchased a few items for Adam who couldn 't shop and other things to make the Christmas celebration special even if they weren 't going to have as sumptuous a Christmas as they had the previous year . On Christmas Eve , the traditional snowball fight took place with Ben throwing snowballs with his younger sons as Adam watched from the porch . At first , Little Joe and Hoss were a bit hesitant to throw at their father , but after a few in the face from him , they retaliated in kind . Ben noted the wistful look Adam had even though he was smiling . He called a halt to the snowball fight . With big grins , Hoss and Little Joe readily agreed . Adam smiled and moved to the snow banks nearest the house and began to pack some snowballs as the others quickly moved to defensive positions because he was known for his accuracy as much as Hoss was known for his power . They did that for several more minutes and then it was time to get the tree inside and get it decorated . By that evening , the house was decorated and the smells of Christmas baking had everyone ready for Christmas . It was a quiet celebration that evening but there was good news . Ben pulled out the thick envelope he had brought home with the rest of the mail . He had guessed what was inside but had not opened it . He did and to the cheers of his sons found the accepted bid for the timber contract . They all slept well that night and the next morning were up early to open their gifts . The package from Sacramento had arrived in time , and Hoss got wood carving tools from his father and Adam and got some soft wood that Joe had collected from the scraps at the carpentry shop in town and hidden away in the stable . Adam got books and some sheet music for guitar which were always his favorite things to get because it gave him something to do in the winter months . Ben got his usual tobacco , pipe , and slippers from his sons as well as Joe 's good behavior for the three previous weeks . Joe had also taken on Adam 's chores while he was injured and had cleaned up the tack room for him . Joe got a new set of reins and bridle that Hoss had made for him . He looked and there was nothing else under the tree . Ben and Adam smiled at him as Adam explained that his other gift had not arrived yet and might be delayed because of the snow that had been falling that day . He was disappointed but also intrigued as to what it could be . When they heard horses in the yard a short time later , he was going to run outside . Properly chastised , Little Joe waited and then walked outside with his brothers who followed their father to greet several Paiute in the yard . Ben raised his hand in greeting as did Adam who gave the traditional Paiute greeting as well . Adam walked to the back of the group and was handed a rope . After thanking the men , he led a pinto pony toward the house and suddenly Little Joe knew . As the Paiute left , he grabbed the rope when Adam offered it . Ben answered with pride in what he and Adam had accomplished . " Yes , son , we traded the big black for him . They wanted that horse , and we asked them to find us a pinto pony for you . He 's not ready for riding yet , but Adam will work with you to train him . He 's our present to you . Merry Christmas , son . " " Yes , Adam knew that Numaga had a desire for a black horse . He had heard him talk about it . He guessed that he wouldn 't be able to resist that big black once he saw him . He asked me to take him up there to see if we could trade for a horse more suitable for ranch work for Little Joe to use . " " You always said you thought pintos were so wonderful that Adam wondered if the Paiute could get one for you . They drove a hard bargain . I had to give them five cows too , but we got the horse for you that we wanted . " " Pa , Adam , thank you . It 's the best Christmas ever . I 'm going to love this horse . He and I are going to be the best friends a man and a horse ever were . " " Son , you showed over the past three weeks that you were ready for more responsibility . I hope you can remember that any gift like this carries a great responsibility . This horse needs you now , and you can 't let him down not even for a moment . It takes more than good intentions . You have to carry through . " " I dunno . He looks like an Indian pony . He should have an Indian name . I was reading in the paper about some Indians helping out the Butterfield stage line by selling supplies to them . One had a name that sounded like something that might work . It was Cochise . I think I might name him Cochise . Yeah , Cochise . " The family moved to the stable then and got the horse into the stall that Hoss had prepared for him . Little Joe might have spent the whole day in the stable but Ben insisted that everyone had to go inside to warm up and have their Christmas dinner . Then of course , Little Joe headed back out to the stable and Hoss went with him . Adam settled into his favorite chair with one of his new books , and Ben leaned back in his red leather chair sipping a cup of coffee and marveled at how well things had worked out . The sun was shining , the sky was blue , but Little Joe 's mood was dark as he rode Cochise home from school . He should have been happy . It was the first day he had ridden the pinto to school . Adam had worked with him and the horse for months and had finally pronounced the horse and the rider ready to go solo . Little Joe had thought it was long overdue , but Adam had explained that the horse had to see the ranch as home so that if anything happened he would return and not run off . The argument that swayed Little Joe the most though was that spring had been slow in arriving and the roads had been treacherous much of the time . Adam had said that the older sturdier horse that Little Joe had been riding was less likely to rush and less likely to be injured in those conditions . He was worried about the young pinto with those thin legs getting hurt if he slipped on an icy patch or stepped in a hole he couldn 't see because of water or mud . " Little Joe , Cochise will get a bit bigger and probably stronger over the next few years . He 's barely a yearling now . I wouldn 't let a cowhand ride him yet , but you 're light so you won 't harm him by riding him . Your weight and the weight of the saddle won 't be a problem for him , but if he should slip or stumble , those legs of his could be damaged . You know what happens most of the time when a horse has a damaged leg . " Little Joe knew only too well what happened and had witnessed it . He had ridden a horse without permission once and tried jumping a fence . The horse had been injured , and his father and Adam had made him watch when the horse was shot . Then he had been required to help dig the hole to bury the animal . He never forgot the sounds of that injured animal nor the look in its eyes . He would never treat a horse that way again in his life . Accepting Adam 's reasons for keeping Cochise at home until it was completely safe to ride him to school , he had been waiting since Friday to show him off to Mary Lou . He had ridden to her house that morning planning to escort her to school as he had almost every morning that school year . When he got there though , Seth was there . Mary Lou had told him that it was over between them and that Seth was her new beau . She hoped he wouldn 't mind but she said that he was gone too often and Seth was there more often . He couldn 't object too much because Seth was his best friend . He couldn 't lose his gal and his best friend in the same day , but it hurt . When he got home , Adam and Hoss were in the stable taking care of their horses . They expected to hear a story of how Mary Lou was impressed , but instead Little Joe snapped at them . " Why should she be impressed by my horse ? She 's Seth 's girl now . I don 't have a girl to impress , but I got a great horse , don 't I ? " He finished with Cochise quickly instead of spending as much time as possible with him . " I 'm going in the house . " Little Joe had made an about face because he had left his satchel in the stable . He returned and heard Adam 's reply to Hoss ' statements . " Seth is definitely a weasel . You can 't trust him at all . He 's probably been after Mary Lou all this time . Some day , he 'll end up in prison because he got caught in one of his schemes or dead because he provoked the wrong man . I hope by then that Little Joe has come to his senses and found a decent friend . That one is only trouble . Of course taking that two - timing little Mary Lou off his hands did him a favor . " Furious at what he had heard , Little Joe retreated to the house and headed to his room where he stayed until dinner . He spoke little saying a simple thank you when Hoss mentioned that he had brought in his satchel . After dinner , Little Joe did his homework and then went back to his room . Ben asked if Hoss and Adam knew what was wrong , and they told him what Little Joe had told them not knowing he had heard what Adam had said about Seth . " A betrayal like that is hard to take , but Little Joe always bounces back . He 'll be fine in a day or two . We 'll all give him some leeway , right ? " The look Ben gave his two older sons made it clear that his question was meant as an order not a plea . They nodded . The next morning they didn 't tease Little Joe who spoke only to ask for what he needed at the table . When he headed off to school , his family was worried but not too much . He had been on such good behavior for so long , they guessed that he wouldn 't break his pledge with only a few weeks of school left . " I know you like my Mama 's sugar cookies . She likes you too so I asked her if I could bring some to you . She said surely I could . We 're all still friends , aren 't we ? " " Yeah , Little Joe , Mary Lou and I were talking . If this is gonna come between us then you and her should be together again , and I 'll be the friend to both of you . How about it ? " " Of course we would . We 're your friends . I 'm your best friend , ain 't I ? That 's what best friends would do . Mary Lou and I been friends a long time same as you and her . She just wants to spend some time with me now , but if that was to make it hard on you , then I won 't do it . All right ? " " That 's downright nasty . I got a right to get even with him for talking about me like that . If I was a grown man , I 'd have to call him out for saying things like that . " Immediately , Little Joe got worried . Seth had quite a temper and had been known to seek revenge for actual or perceived slights . " Seth , he was talking to my brother Hoss . He didn 't know I could hear him . " Shrugging and then laughing a bit , Seth denied that he would . " I guess it just made me mad for a minute . You know me . I can 't stay mad for long . " It was time to go inside for school then . The matter didn 't come up in conversation again . When the day ended , the three walked to Mary Lou 's house . Little Joe said goodbye there and mounted up to ride home . As he rode out of sight , Seth smiled and looked down at Mary Lou . He couldn 't help chuckling a bit as he saw her staring at the departing Cartwright . " See , I told you it would work . He had no idea we didn 't mean a word we were saying this morning . Little Joe will believe anything we say . " Seth draped his arm around Mary Lou 's shoulders in an act of familiarity that said they had been seeing each other much longer than the weekend or so that they had led Little Joe to believe . " Of course he did . He dropped it , didn 't he ? Now , what do you want me to do ? " With a sneer , Mary Lou raised her chin in the air as she answered . " Well , he did insult me too . He should have to pay for that , don 't you think . I mean , a man doesn 't let a man insult his gal , does he ? " " No , no , he doesn 't . But a man take his time and makes sure he doesn 't get caught either . There 'll be an opportunity to pay back Adam Cartwright for what he said . We 'll just have to wait for that opportunity to present itself . " Mary Lou couldn 't help grinning . Being with Seth was far more exciting than being with Little Joe especially since Little Joe had decided to try to curb his behavior and act more like a man . She thought it was getting to be rather boring being with him . This intrigue with Seth was going to be quite a bit more fun . All the way home , Little Joe was troubled by what Seth had said . He didn 't know what to do . He didn 't want to break the bonds of friendship and say anything to his brother about what Seth had said but realized he had already broken the bond of brotherhood by repeating Adam 's words to Seth and Mary Lou . He had promised to be good and act more like a man . Overall he had done well for months , but every now and then , his temper had gotten him to do something he regretted . This was one of those moments . The more he thought about it , the more he knew what he had to do and the more he dreaded doing it . What he anticipated was so much worse than what happened that he found it a bit shocking . " That 's it ? That 's all you 're going to say ? " Little Joe had gone to find Adam who was at the breaking corrals . Once Adam had some time to talk , Little Joe told him the whole story . Adam had made a comment about wishing Little Joe hadn 't repeated something he heard while eavesdropping and that was it . " No , if Seth does something , he 'll want it to look like an accident so no one will know it was him . He never wants anyone to blame him for anything . It 's how he does things . " " Some people , like Hoss , enjoy laughing with others and can 't find any better way to to have fun . Some like me are amused by things in the world and laugh along with people many times . We enjoy the humor they bring to life . You and Hoss bring a lot of fun into the world for others to enjoy . But there are some who like to laugh when others are hurting . They know that good people wouldn 't approve so they laugh in private . They enjoy hurting others and controlling others . It makes them feel bigger and better . " " No , Little Joe , I 'm warning you . He 's trouble . What I said to Hoss was said privately but I would say it to you or to Pa too . Seth is going to do something to hurt someone very seriously someday because he 's out to help himself . If someone stands in his way , he 'll move them out of the way , and he 'll enjoy doing it . " With that , Little Joe left to ride back to the house to do his chores and get his homework done . It was a routine he had established before Christmas and stuck to ever since . Hoss sauntered over after Little Joe left . " Little Joe heard me call Seth a weasel yesterday and told Seth that today at school . Apparently Seth didn 't like it much and threatened to revenge . Little Joe was warning me . " " But I did agree with you . There was no need to drag you into it . He held his temper rather well . He 's been doing better with that . " " More or less . Little Joe doesn 't want to believe anything bad about Seth . Unfortunately someday , he 's probably going to find out the hard way that Seth is exactly what we think he is . Meanwhile , maybe you could watch my back a bit . He may be fourteen , but he 's likely to try to think of something to get even with me . Little Joe thinks he 'll try to make it look like an accident . " " So you 're not so sure the little rattler ain 't got his fangs already . He ain 't likely to try anything on the ranch . You watch yourself ifn you ride off the ranch though . You let me know , and I 'll ride with ya . We don 't need to tell Pa why . " " It 's late enough that I 'll probably be late to dinner . Tell Pa not to worry and ask Hop Sing to hold a plate for me . I 'll be back before dark though . " The brothers laughed as Adam mounted up to ride to the disputed creek area to make sure there was no trouble . They easily outgunned the much smaller Taylor ranch so the issue was deadlocked with no give on either side . Adam hated to see the friendship lost over such an issue but Taylor had instigated the dispute so it was his place to end it by pulling back . He refused to do so despite Hiram Wood showing him the legal papers backing the Ponderosa position . It would likely end up in court and the friendship would remain forever fractured . Every day for the next week , the wary watch continued without incident until the night that Adam did not return at dark . Ben stood and worried on the porch as Hoss and Little Joe tried to tell him there was nothing about which to worry , but they knew too that something was very wrong or Adam would have been home . What had happened was Seth . He was working for the Taylors after school every day . He arrived that day at their ranch with the youngest Taylor draped over his horse . The hands and the family rushed to him and pulled him from his horse . He was pale and his shirtfront was soaked with blood from a bullet wound in his chest . There was no exit wound . Seth had wadded up his bandanna and the boy 's into a makeshift bandage that had done little to stop the bleeding . " I saw him get shot . I couldn 't do anything to help him . I don 't have a gun . I got to him as fast as I could though and brought him here . " " I think it was Adam Cartwright . I mean he was in all black and he was on the Ponderosa shooting toward your property . I guess if it wasn 't Adam , I don 't know who it would have been . I couldn 't swear in court that it was Adam . I couldn 't even tell the sheriff that I was sure it was him . It 's just that I thought it was him . " " Damn those Cartwrights . They couldn 't wait to smash us down . They had to turn bloodthirsty too . Well , I 'm going to have to go after that bastard now . " Dev 's two older sons looked to him . With tears in their eyes for their little brother , they made a pledge . " Pa , you stay with Zeke . We know where to find Adam . We see him ride that way every day . We 'll find him and bring him to ya . " Isaiah reassured his father as much as he could . " We 'll be careful . We 'll bring him back here too . He 'll be the only one hurting when we do . " " So ? If Zeke dies , he 's gonna hang . Right there in that tree next to the damn creek he wants so bad , he 's gonna hang for shooting my boy . " While that conversation was taking place , Seth hung in the background . The family had talked as they carried Zeke inside and got him undressed and into a bed . They sent a hand for Doctor Martin , and his mother and sisters began doing their best to clean him up and stop the bleeding as his father and brothers talked . It was only when Isaiah and Jacob left that Dev realized that Seth was still there . " I 'm sorry , Seth . I should have thanked you for bringing my boy home . Ifn you hadna been there , he woulda bled to death with no one there to help him . He might still die . Them chest wounds is nasty business . When he shot him , he meant to kill him . Probably thought he had . It was only you bringing him here that give him a chance to live , and I thank you for it . Ifn you could do your chores and those of the other boys , that would help us out a lot . Do ya mind ? I 'll pay ya extra for all ya done . " " No extra pay is necessary , Mister Taylor . I was only doing what any decent man would do . I only wish I had a gun so I could have done something about the man who shot him . " " Ifn youda gone up against that Adam Cartwright , you 'd be dead now . He 's shot gunfighters , so a boy like you wouldn 't stand a chance . He 's a killer , and he 's about to meet his Maker and spend the rest of his days in Hell . " " Yes , sir , I reckon he 's going to get what he 's got coming to him now . Yes , sir , I reckon he does . " And Seth couldn 't stop smiling later as he worked at the chores in the stable . It was dark and Ben was worried . Adam was never late except when things happened that he couldn 't control . He had taken a ride out to check on the men watching their cattle near the Plum Bottom Creek pastures and had not returned . Ben asked some of the hands if they had seen Adam but none had . It was as if he had vanished . That wasn 't possible so the only conclusion the worried father could draw was that someone or something had helped him to disappear . It was too dark to go out to try to discover who or what that might be so Ben could only wait and hope that somehow he was wrong and Adam would ride in with a different explanation of why he was so long overdue . Hoss suggested that several times as he tried to reassure his father and himself that his older brother was not in some serious predicament all by himself . Hoss was remembering that Adam had asked him to watch his back . Although he couldn 't imagine that Seth could possibly have done anything to Adam on the Ponderosa , Hoss had a niggling worry that somehow Seth was mixed up in this . He turned to Little Joe at one point with a question . " No , he said he wouldn 't , and it never came up again . " Pausing with a suspicious look as he evaluated what his big brother had said , Little Joe 's temper rose a bit . " Seth didn 't have anything to do with Adam disappearing . He was at school all day and he went to work on the Taylor ranch after school like he does every day now . " " Well , after Seth stole Little Joe 's gal away from him I told Adam that Seth was a weasel . Adam agreed with me but Little Joe overheard Adam say that and told Seth that Adam called him that . Adam said that Mary Lou was a two - timer too . After Little Joe told Seth that , Seth said he was gonna get revenge on Adam . Adam and me been watching for Seth to do something since then . I didn 't figure Seth could do anything to Adam on the Ponderosa . Still don 't . This is somebody else , and I 'm thinking it might be that Taylor bunch . " Ben gave Little Joe a withering look , and Little Joe knew it was because he had repeated a conversation he had heard by eavesdropping . " I 'm sorry , Pa . After I did it , I told Seth that he better not do anything to my brother . He said he wouldn 't . I came home and told Adam all about it right away and admitted that I had eavesdropped . I know that doesn 't make up for what I did , but I tried to do my best after I messed up . " " I don 't think Seth could have done anything to Adam on the Ponderosa . I agree with Hoss on that . I don 't think we should be blaming the Taylors though without even one bit of evidence pointing in their direction . We don 't even know what 's happened to Adam and why he 's late . He could have gone to town for some reason or perhaps Sport pulled up hurt . He would walk that horse home slowly rather than risk him being lamed . " Everything Ben said was true but did nothing to reassure any of them because they all had a feeling that something was very wrong . Someone would have seen Adam if he was walking his horse home . He would have told one of the hands if he was going to town . He would have fired off three shots to summon help if he had been able to do so . Something had happened to him so fast or so devastating that he had not been able to do that which to Ben and Hoss especially was the most frightening point of all . As Ben and Hoss suspected , Adam had been taken with no chance to fire a shot . He had seen Jacob signaling him as if to talk . Not knowing what had happened to Ezekiel , he rode toward him thinking that there was going to be a request for a meeting of some kind , but instead as he neared Jacob , Isaiah came in behind him with his gun drawn and Jacob drew on him as well . It would have been foolish to try to draw with two guns on him so he had only asked what they wanted . Complying but still wondering what it was that he was supposed to know , Adam waited for more information . He tried to get an answer from Isaiah by asking again what he was supposed to know . He didn 't get an answer as Jacob came up behind him and slugged him across the back of the head stunning him . Then he was thrown over the horse like a sack of grain with his hands tied to the stirrup on one side and his feet tied to the stirrup on the other side . His horse was led to the Taylor ranch as he endured the painful ride . His hat fell off soon after they began the ride but that wasn 't noticed . It was trampled under the hooves of Jacob 's horse with the dark color blending into the debris on the ground . The two brothers took a route intended to confuse anyone trying to track them arriving at their ranch hours later to be met by their father . " He must of lost it along the way . Probably right away . Don 't worry , Pa . No one , not even Hoss can track him here . " " Doc 's working on him now . Say 's he can 't go after the bullet right away . Says he 's got to stop the bleeding first to try to save his life . It 's looking real bad , boys . Real bad . " " You ought to know , Cartwright . We know you 're the one who shot him . If he dies , you 're gonna hang . I 'm gonna hang you myself . I 'll put that noose around your neck and haul you up that tree and watch you kick and squirm until the life is squeezed outta you . You 're gonna pay for what you done . Just because your family is rich and powerful and knows every rich and powerful man in this territory , it don 't mean you 're getting away with this . You 're gonna pay . I 'll make sure of it . " Furious , Dev hit Adam then knocking him to the ground and then kicked him a few times . Once Adam stopped moving , he told his boys to do what he had told them to do . He stalked back to the house then to wait for the doctor to tell him if his youngest son would live . Hours later , Adam awoke in great pain and did an inventory . He determined that as far as he could tell , nothing was broken , but his head hurt and he had a terrible headache . His ribs and legs hurt and he assumed that was from being kicked . His arms were sore and stiff from being tied behind his back , and he was quite chilled lying on the cold , bare dirt floor of what seemed to be some kind of small building . It didn 't smell like any kind of animal so he assumed it was a storage building of some kind . He could hear people moving about occasionally outside and thought that probably meant he had not been unconscious for very long . It was still probably evening . He wondered what his family was thinking and if they realized he was missing . If they did , he had to wonder too if they had any idea where he was . He had to hope that his younger brother , Hoss , could track him here . He knew Hoss was an excellent tracker , but he had been awake for part of the ride and it seemed that they had been doing all they could to mask their trail . Later , Jacob and Isaiah returned . Isaiah carried in a lantern and Adam got the first look at his jail . It was a storeroom as he had guessed but there wasn 't much in it . It appeared that the Taylor ranch had fallen on hard times if their storehouse was empty . Adam guessed that there was some significance to that information but didn 't know what it was at that point . Jacob kept a rifle trained on him while Isaiah freed his hands and feet and told him to stand in the corner to relieve himself . His fingers were numb and it took him some time to undo his pants and manage that . It was a great relief . He buttoned up his coat before he buttoned up his pants . He knew it was the only thing he would have to try to stay warm for the night . Jacob grew impatient . Adam knew it was a risk being such a smart mouth but they expected it of him and it helped give him time to finish what he was doing . He finally managed to button up his pants as well . Neither brother seemed to notice that his coat was now buttoned up as well . His arms were tied behind him again and he was shoved to the floor and his legs were tied together at the ankles . The two brothers left then . Adam heard them push something up against the door of the storehouse before walking away . He guessed he wasn 't going to get anything to eat or drink . Based on what Dev Taylor had said , they didn 't think he was going to live very long . He wondered who had shot young Zeke Taylor and why . No one on the Ponderosa would have done it . They had no reason to do it . Hiram Woods , the family lawyer , had assured them that they had a rock solid case to take to court . They had no worries . Someone wanted to make significant trouble , but Adam couldn 't guess who would benefit by starting a battle between the two ranches . He tried to sleep , but found it elusive both because of the questions he kept asking himself and the uncomfortable situation in which he found himself . On the Ponderosa , Ben couldn 't sleep either even if he was uninjured and much more comfortable . Hoss finally gave in to exhaustion and fell into a restless sleep . Little Joe had succumbed a few hours earlier . Ben nodded off only a few times as he sat in the red leather chair by the fireplace hoping that Adam would stride in that front door but he never did . Ben planned to leave at first light and look for him . He wouldn 't rest until he found him . Just before dawn , Hop Sing brought him a cup of coffee and a light breakfast on a tray . Both of them looked up when they heard the sound of someone coming down the stairs . Hoss was up and ready to help . Ben didn 't have time to discuss the issue and was brusque . " We need you to cooperate with us in this , Little Joe . Hoss and I will be tracking and can 't be distracted . You need to go to school . I want you to watch Seth and talk to him . If you notice anything out of the ordinary or get him to admit anything , I want you to tell the teacher that you have to leave early today and you come back home to tell us what you learned . Otherwise , please stay at school and let us do what we have to do . I don 't think Seth had anything to do with this , but I won 't dismiss what you and Hoss think until we know for sure . " Swallowing his resentment and at least glad that his father had given him something to do , Little Joe remained silent watching his father and brother finish their preparations and then mount up to ride out . He waved as they waved but said nothing . He trudged to the house to have some breakfast and get ready for school . He rode to school and when he saw Seth , he realized he was ready to do as his father asked even though he didn 't think Seth had done anything to Adam . Walking with Mary Lou , Seth greeted him as soon as he saw him . " I 'm tired . I didn 't sleep real well last night , and I got up early . My brother Adam is missing . Pa and Hoss went out looking for him this morning . " Little Joe thought he detected a hint of sarcasm or something else there . The words definitely were not sincere . Mary Lou was smiling up at Seth too as if they were sharing some kind of private joke . Little Joe didn 't like it , but there wasn 't anything there on which to base a conclusion . He had nothing concrete to tell his father . " Did you happen to see Adam at all yesterday ? " Then Little Joe knew he was lying but didn 't know what significance that might have . He had seen Seth head out by the usual route toward the Taylor ranch . He was covering something up , but there was no way to know what it was . Little Joe stayed at school and several times tried to get more information from Seth and failed . He rode home at the usual time to find his father and Hoss getting home at about the same time . They were tired and discouraged . He said nothing at first as he listened to them discuss their day . At that point , Little Joe thought he should mention what he suspected about Seth . " Pa , Seth didn 't tell me the whole truth about something today . I asked him if he saw Adam yesterday , and he said he took a different way to the Taylor ranch , but I know he didn 't . Maybe he saw something , and he 's afraid to say something . Maybe those Taylors did something to Adam , and Seth is afraid to say anything about it . " " Hoss , that 's not fair . You don 't know Seth like I do . He 's never hurt any of us so why do you have to say mean things about my friend ? " " Stop it , both of you . It 's Adam we should be worrying about , and your fighting doesn 't help us with that . Now , I should go talk to Seth , and it wouldn 't hurt for me to go over to the Taylor place to do it . That way I could see if there 's anything going on over there that looks suspicious . " " Hoss , you can go , but you keep that temper in check and your pistol in your holster . Don 't give them any reason to start a fight at all . You hear me on that ? " Little Joe ended that discussion though before it developed any further . " Pa , Seth probably isn 't at the Taylor place any more . He said there was some kind of trouble there and he was only going to do the chores and then head home because they wouldn 't be doing any other kind of work . " " He didn 't say exactly but only that one of the boys was hurt and the doctor was there . He was real tight with information . It was hard to get him to tell me anything . " " Well , that certainly doesn 't sound like Seth . I wonder what 's wrong with one of the Taylor boys . Well , then I 'll ride to the Pruitt place and talk with Seth . I want to know what he knows . We can ride over to the Taylor place tomorrow if we don 't get any answers . Hoss , you can ride with me . We 'll head to town and talk to Roy after we talk with Seth . We know Adam is in some kind of trouble based on what we found today . " Little Joe still hadn 't been told what they had found so asked . Hoss explained that they eventually found tracks of three horses including Sport because of the special shoes Adam liked to make for his horse . The tracks took a very roundabout way but seemed to be edging closer to the Taylor ranch when they lost the tracks and hadn 't been able to find them again despite many hours of looking . " They definitely didn 't want us finding those tracks . I 'm thinking that Adam was tied because otherwise he would have found a way to leave us some kind of mark or signal so that we could track them . Whoever it was must have known that and kept him from being able to do anything . " " Boys , you need to heed me on this and not accuse them . It 's too easy for the innocent to suffer if accusations are tossed about too easily . Keep that in mind . " " I know that you Cartwrights and the Taylors are in the middle of a big mess . I didn 't want to be caught in it . I figured to stay out of it by saying I wasn 't anywhere near where Adam was . Those Taylors probably did something to him , and I don 't want to be blamed for it . " " Well , I guess I did . He was riding up in the trees along that fence line you got there . He was all alone . Then I rode to the Taylor ranch . " " No one seems to know . The Taylors said they don 't know . One of their hands brought him in from the pastures . They said that 's all they know . " " Roy , they don 't have any hands . They let them all go after the spring drive because they didn 't make enough money to keep them on . I know that because we hired some of them who came looking for work . The only one who works for them is Seth Pruitt who does chores for them so the others can do the heavier work . " Suddenly Ben and Hoss knew some of what Seth had been keeping from them . He had been the one to bring Zeke home to the Taylors . He had also seen Adam . Ben had a sudden and terrible thought . He looked to Hoss . It took Hoss only a moment to think that through . " That damn little weasel wanted revenge on Adam . You bet I think he told the Taylors that Adam shot Zeke . " " Now , Ben , I 'm the law here so you better follow my lead in this . I 'll handle it . You hear me on this ? " " You know that it will be through me and a court of law though . It won 't be by you and Hoss today . Ifn you can 't agree to that then you ain 't coming with me . " Recognizing all the signs of dehydration although Adam wouldn 't have called it that , he worked at keeping his fingers from going numb and did his best to move his legs too despite his wrists and ankles being tied and left to lay on the floor in a cold storehouse with no food and no comforts of any kind . He suspected they wouldn 't have to hang him if they left him here much longer . The way his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth when he fell asleep for brief periods and his lips felt dry and ready to crack , he suspected he would die of thirst before they could hang him . He did wonder if he would be able to keep his senses because he knew that men lost their mental faculties if denied water too long . It had not happened yet but exhaustion , cold , and thirst were certainly robbing him of the edge he would need to escape if the chance ever presented itself . The brothers had not been back for a very long time . He didn 't know if that was good news or bad but suspected it wasn 't good . He was surprised then when they suddenly rushed into the storehouse . He thought that something must have happened to Zeke and his future had been determined , but instead Jacob roughly pulled his head up by the hair and Isaiah pulled a dirty bandanna around his head and gagged him before they dropped him back on the floor . Isaiah whispered furiously to him then . " Doc got most of the bleeding stopped but said he had to go after the bullet cause it was up against a spot that was causing some of the bleeding . It don 't look good for our brother so you know what 's gonna happen to you . Your pa and the sheriff are here now but don 't make a sound or I 'll put a bullet in your head . That might mean your pa would want to shoot it out with us and he could die too . You care for him at all , you 'll stay quiet . " Jacob left then , but Isaiah stayed with him . Adam knew that if he made a sound to try to get his father 's attention or Roy 's , it would likely be the last thing that he ever did and probably put their lives in danger too . He couldn 't see Isaiah 's face but the way he had talked was enough to know that he was ready to explode with fear and anger . Adam knew he would be the recipient of whatever Isaiah chose to do to vent those feelings . He stayed silent and still . Outside , Ben and Roy had confronted Dev Taylor . " Now , Dev , I know Zeke 's been shot , and I know that you probably think Adam Cartwright done it . Adam Cartwright is missing . I got to say if you have anything to do with that then you 're gonna have some trouble with the law . You can 't decide who gets punished based on what you think mighta happened . " " I never said it was Adam Cartwright who done it . " Roy waited and with a look cautioned Ben and Hoss not to say anything either . The silence made Dev say more . " Maybe I know more than you know . " " Dev , I follow the law . Now it 's up to the law to decide who gets punished for shooting your boy . Ifn you got Adam Cartwright here , you need to turn him over to me right now . " " You ain 't got no right to look around my place . I ain 't broke no law . You leave now . You 're trespassing . You 're the law . You know I got a right to tell you to leave , and you gotta leave ifn I tell you to leave . " As Roy and Ben confronted Dev , Hoss turned his horse and made a wide circuit of the yard riding close to the stable which was closed up tight . He called to his father and Roy a few minutes later though . " Pa , Roy , there 's tracks here from Sport . Adam 's horse has been here recently . These tracks ain 't been ridden over and right here they would be ifn they was more than a day or two old . Adam 's horse has been here . Adam must be here too . " Roy turned back to Dev who looked nervous but even more angry than he had been before . " Oh , we found his damn horse wandering on our property . An abandoned horse is anybody 's to take , ain 't it ? " Before Roy or Ben could respond , Dev 's older daughter came out to tell him something and he turned and rushed inside his house . Ben and Roy moved to where Hoss was examining tracks . " Pa , Adam 's horse is in that stable . Adam has to be around here somewhere . I think we ought to look around while they 're busy . " " Ben , you and Hoss be careful and take a look around . I 'm going up to the house to see if I can find out what 's going on . Maybe I can talk a bit of sense into Dev when you 're not in sight . You two be real careful though , and if one of his boys orders you to back off , you back off now , you hear ? " Reluctantly , Ben and Hoss agreed . In the house , Doctor Martin was telling the family members what he had found . It wasn 't good news and tears were flowing . " I 'm so sorry , Dev . That bullet bounced around in his chest some before it stopped . It did too much damage . The bleeding is stopped now , but he lost too much blood . I don 't think he can make it with what he has left . " " Well , these small caliber bullets tend to do that . They hit a bone and go off in a different direction . A larger caliber bullet breaks the bone or shatters it and keeps going right through . Either way is devastating but this way takes longer . " " I 've taken too many bullets out of men out here not to recognize the calibers by now . This one has to be about a thirty - one so he must have been shot with a pistol . My uncle had one when he was in the navy . They issued a small cap and ball pistol to officers . I suppose in close quarters on a ship , it would be effective . Out here men seem to prefer the larger calibers for pistols . " Dev turned and whispered furiously to Jacob . " Go search him and search his saddlebags . See if he has a small pistol on him somewhere . " Then he turned back to his wife and daughters and the doctor who were staring at him in consternation . " Jacob is gonna check something out to see if we can figure out who shot Zeke . " " No , he isn 't . " Roy had intercepted Jacob at the door and turned him back inside . " Dev , I heard what the doctor said . I heard what you whispered to Jacob too or enough to know that you probably got Adam outside there somewhere . Now you know he didn 't have nothing to do with this . You better not have hurt him or you 're gonna be in serious trouble . " " Seth said he thought it looked like Adam . He said he saw a man riding away , and it looked like Adam Cartwright . What was I to think ? He brought my boy home shot in the chest and said that . Jacob and Isaiah went and got Adam . We been holding him so he wouldn 't get away with it . Now I don 't know what to think . " Pausing to think , Dev knew the sheriff was correct but took some time to admit it to himself and then to verbalize that conclusion . " Jacob , you show the sheriff , and you tell Isaiah not to do anything . Tell him I said it 's over and to let Adam be . " " I know . I 'll face whatever I have to face . Things have been going bad for me for the last couple of years , and it got a whole lot worse when Zeke got shot . " Dev 's wife was crying facing the loss of her youngest son and now possibly her husband and other two sons going to jail for what they had done to Adam . Roy followed Jacob out of the house and quickly informed Ben and Hoss that they were going to rescue Adam . Jacob called out to Isaiah at the storehouse that their father had said it was over and they were to release Adam to his father and the sheriff . " Zeke got shot with a thirty - one caliber , Isaiah . Adam carries a forty - four . He didn 't shoot him . Seth said he wasn 't sure it was Adam . We should have waited . It 's all our fault . Now I 'm coming in . Put up your rifle . It 's all over . " Pushing in behind Jacob , Ben and Hoss moved quickly to Adam getting the filthy bandanna from his mouth and cutting the ropes that bound him as Roy escorted the Taylor brothers from the storehouse . Hoss told Ben to help him get Adam into his arms so he could carry him outside into the light where he set him carefully on the soft grass . Ben cradled Adam 's head . After the gag and no water since he had been kidnapped , Adam couldn 't speak . He tried but failed . Roy handed his canteen to a grateful Ben who held it to Adam 's lips . Adam tried to grasp it with his hands but couldn 't hold it with his swollen fingers that were still numb . Hoss knelt by his side and began to softly massage one hand and then the other . Soon Doctor Paul Martin was there too . " Once I found out that they had held him tied up for so long , I guessed my services might be needed here . Ben , give him a good sip every five minutes while I check him over . Hoss , would you pull off his boots so I can check his feet ? " While Roy stood watch with Jacob and Isaiah , Ben and Hoss helped Paul care for Adam until Paul was ready with his evaluation . " He 's exhausted and too cold . We need to warm him up , but none of the injuries are serious from what I can see . He should spend a day in bed after a warm soothing bath . Some of those bruises are likely to get worse , but nothing seems to be broken . He 's got a good - sized lump on the back of his head , but he 's alert and responds to our requests . As soon as he has enough to drink and can talk again , we can ask him if there 's any other pain he 's feeling , but overall , I can say he should be fit enough to go home . " Paul was sure that was what both Ben and Adam wanted to hear . Nearing the end of the day and with the temperature dropping , Paul was more concerned about a chill than anything . " Ben or Hoss , do you think you could give him your coat to help warm him . He 's too cold . I have a blanket in my carriage you could wrap around him , and I could give him a ride home too . " " Not now , Roy . Not with Zeke hurt like he is . Come on out to the ranch tomorrow and talk with Adam . It 's really up to him and what he wants to do about Dev and his boys and what they did to him . " As expected , Hop Sing fussed over Adam when he got back to the Ponderosa insisting that he drink tea even while he rested in a warm soothing bath . Ben brought his shaving kit to him as well as his sleepshirt and robe . Adam frowned at the sleepshirt but knew his father would insist he wear it especially after Doctor Martin had said he needed to stay warm after being so chilled . He conceded that point at least for the first night back at home . Little Joe and Hoss kept finding reasons to come into the washroom too to check on him . " Instead of creating a draft every time you open that door , why don 't you just perch on a bench or something and stay . You can tell me what happened while I was tied up . I still don 't know exactly why I was chosen to be a guest of the Taylors . " " Well , it seems that Seth was riding to the ranch when he heard the shot . He rode that way and found Zeke . He said he saw somebody riding away on our side of the fenceline and he said it looked like you dressed in dark clothes . The Taylors admitted that he said it only looked like you and he couldn 't say it was you . They just figured it was , and them boys set out to get you figuring you tried to kill their brother . " " Little Joe , maybe he did , and maybe he didn 't , and only Seth knows that , but ifn Zeke hadn 't been shot with a thirty - one caliber , then them Taylors might of killed Adam on Seth 's say so . That 's mighty serious , and Seth 's got to realize he needs to be careful what he says about folks . Out here saying something like he said can get a man killed . He knew that and meant to get Adam killed or he was just plain foolish about it . Either way , he needs to apologize to Adam . " Little Joe had gone silent and somewhat pale . The others assumed it was because he had realized then that the Taylors had meant to kill Adam . Ben tried to make him feel better . " Son , don 't fret about it so . We would not have let them hurt Adam . Roy would have stopped them too . You don 't have to be upset about that . It didn 't happen . Adam is back home , and we can put this behind us now . " Little Joe nodded as if he agreed with that , but he left then . He was worried to the point of being sick . He knew that Mary Lou 's parents had given her a thirty - one - caliber pistol for Christmas . He had fired it at her place when they had done some target shooting under her father 's supervision . It seemed like a huge coincidence that Zeke had been shot with a thirty - one - caliber gun and then found by Seth who was Mary Lou 's current beau . That night , Little Joe found sleep elusive as he tossed and turned . The next day at school , Seth asked about Adam . Little Joe told the story and watched to see how Seth reacted . He acted as if he was happy that Adam had been rescued which reassured Little Joe . When Little Joe had a chance , he asked Mary Lou about her pistol . She claimed that her father kept it in the house only allowing her to use it for target practice when he was there . He was reassured by what he found out , and he let his suspicions fade away . His family never did though wondering for years whether Seth was somehow involved in shooting Zeke . The next day , Roy arrived on the Ponderosa with bad news . Zeke had taken a turn for the worse and wasn 't expected to survive . He had lost too much blood and was fading away . Adam chose not to press charges against the Taylors at that time , but did say that he would if there was any more trouble from them . Roy said he would inform them of that , and thanked Adam for being so forgiving . " That family is going through an awful lot . I had to tell them just last week that the bank is foreclosing on them . I had to deliver the papers to them . I reckon they 'll be moving on . I can 't see them staying here with all that 's happened and then losing the ranch too . " In other circumstances , Roy knew that Ben might have bailed the Taylors out of their financial difficulties , but not after what they had done to Adam and with the attitude they had . They would resent any help that was offered . When Roy left , Adam offered a theory to his father . " I bet they were hoping you would offer money to settle that boundary issue peacefully . It was extortion as much as anything . They had no chance in court and couldn 't afford a lawyer anyway . " " You 're probably right . They wouldn 't accept help , but they would have done something like that . I can 't say that I 'll miss them as neighbors . " " Roy said he checked that out . He doesn 't and no one in his family does either . Roy checked in town to see who may have purchased one lately , and only Rupert Fenton bought one . He gave it to his daughter , but he keeps it locked up in his house except when he 's teaching her how to use it . Roy said he couldn 't find anyone else who owned one . I 'm sure with all the people moving in and out , there are others but there 's no way of knowing who could have one . " Ben sat by Adam 's side and thought about what his son had asked . It seemed preposterous on the surface , but with no other viable explanation , perhaps something bizarre was the answer . As he asked the next question , he guessed the answer . " Did you have someone in mind ? But you do . Seth ? " " Pa , he 's at the center of this . He found Zeke . He 's the one who said it looked like me riding away . He 's the one who said he was going to get revenge on me . He covered up what he knew to Little Joe and to you . " " It 's hardly enough to accuse him of shooting Zeke and framing you for it . Zeke is dying . Whoever shot him in the chest must have known it would likely kill him . That 's cold - blooded murder . I can 't believe a boy like Seth could do something like that . " " Maybe not . " But Adam carried doubts about Seth from that time forward . He tried to warn Little Joe about him but with no success . Little Joe 's answer was much more defensive than their father 's had been when Adam warned him that some day Seth was going to go too far and get in serious trouble . Little Joe said he would be there to help keep Seth in line . " I don 't have to predict the future . I can see where Seth 's tracks have been and where his trail is headed . I 'm worried about you if you 're with him . You can get in a lot of trouble with the wrong friend . " " Well then I guess if that happens , I 'll learn from my mistake . You did . Pa said you had some friends who weren 't the best when you were my age . He said you were smart and learned from your mistake . " " Know that I 'm here if you need me . I always will be . We may have our differences , but we 're brothers , and that means more than anything . " " I know it does . I know you always have good intentions . It 's that sometimes I don 't want the help . I hope you can understand that . I need to stand on my own . It 's the way I am . " On trial for murder , Seth Pruitt tried to convince Joe that he had done nothing wrong . He tried to tell him that it was only a mercy killing . Joe wavered at times until he got a short letter from Mary Lou Fenton Smalley who had married and moved to California . " Dear Little Joe , I hope you don 't mind me calling you that but it 's how I remember you . I was such a silly girl . I never should have left you for Seth Pruitt . In time I understood that , but at first I thought he was more exciting . I learned otherwise when he borrowed my small pistol . When he brought it back , he threatened to burn down our house with all of us in it if I ever told anyone . He scared me out of my wits . When he tired of me and turned to another girl , I was so relieved . When I was old enough to have the courage to tell the truth , it didn 't seem to matter . Zeke Taylor was buried and his family was long gone and no one knew where they were . Seth wasn 't trying to hurt Adam any more . I took the coward 's way out and never told anyone . I 'm sorry , Little Joe . I knew then that our friend was a murderer . I was too afraid to tell anyone because I worried about what Seth might still do . Now you know too . He will get his just reward . I 'm sorry it took ten years , but at least justice will finally prevail . Too bad no one saw him for what he was at the time . A life could have been saved . I will carry the guilt for the rest of my life but I hope you can forgive me . Your friend , Mary Lou " January 20 , 2016 at 6 : 10 am So Seth was a sociopath and Mary Lou was a mean little fool . It sounds like they deserved each other . I love the way the family pulls together in this story . You 're a wonderful storyteller . January 16 , 2016 at 12 : 03 pm This story is so good ! I love all of the family dynamics that have to be resolved and how it pulls them closer together ! Not to mention , the SAS thrown in makes for a moving story as well ! ! A wonderful read , Betty ! ! January 16 , 2016 at 12 : 34 pm Thank you so much . There wasn 't too much SAS though I hope as I wanted to keep the story from getting too dark even though there are serious issues involved . Yes , the whole family works together in this one . Reply Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . 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Copyright © 2008 by Grant Bentley . All Rights Reserved . If any nice person , nasty person , place , event , happening , thing or sport seems familiar it is purely coincidental . Jason and I had just spent the better part of the afternoon skateboarding all over town . Now , reasonably exhausted , we were lounging around on my back deck , drinking Cokes and munching on some brownies my mom had just finished making . It was a typical Sunday afternoon . For the last six years , Jason and I had spent nearly every free minute together , skateboarding , playing one - on - one , driving my mom or his mom nuts , and just doing whatever . There was nothing we didn 't know about each other … well , almost nothing . This was the day I had decided it was time to change that . After years of lying and hiding who I was , this would be the day I told my best friend my only secret . " Yeah you do , " he said . " What 's goin ' on ? You 've been kinda quiet for a few days now . Somethin ' I should know about ? I 'm here for you man , you know that . " " Come on man . If something 's bothering you , tell me . I can 't help you if you don 't tell me , " he responded with concern . " No bullshit man . Nobody can help with it . Nobody can fix it . Nobody can change it , " I stated as my eyes started to tear up . " I 'm sorry . I 've been fightin ' with this for a few years now . I tried everything . It 's not gonna go away , " I replied . " Years ? " he questioned . " Why didn 't you come to me before ? Years ? Fuck man , there 's no problem so big it can 't be fixed . Together , the two of us can fix anything . " I almost laughed when he said that , partly because he was so serious and partly because I knew this couldn 't be fixed . It wasn 't so much that I wanted to fix it , as it was that I needed to tell someone . I was so tired of trying to hide it , of being scared , of feeling alone , and I couldn 't take it anymore . I needed someone to support me and be there for me . That person , I assumed , would be my best friend . That 's why I had started this conversation and that 's where I hoped it was going . " I can 't fix it . We can 't fix it , " I said as the tears began to make their way down my cheeks and onto my shirt . " It 's not something that can be fixed . " " You 're not dyin ' or somethin ' are ya ? " he asked , sounding really scared . " You don 't got cancer or somethin ' man ? Tell me you 're not dyin ' . " He just stared at me . No expression , nothing . He just stared . After a minute or so , he stood up and simply walked out of the yard . As soon as he closed the back gate , I started sobbing . I sobbed so hard that at one point , I couldn 't catch my breath and almost passed out . It took my mom about half a minute to come running out onto the deck , wrap her arms around me and try to calm me down . We must have sat there for five minutes before I calmed down enough to start breathing without gasping for air . It was another five minutes before I could even think about talking and answering her questions . " What 's wrong ? What happened ? Where did Jason go ? Did you two have a fight ? Baby , what 's wrong ? " she asked . I didn 't know what to do . I just told my best friend of six years I was gay and he had walked out of my life . I couldn 't risk telling my mother and lose her too . " There is nothing you could say that would cause you to lose me , " she stated . " I 'm your mother and I love you . Nothing is ever going to change that . " A soon as the words left my mouth , she smiled and pulled me into the tightest , warmest hug I think I have ever felt . I immediately started crying again , this time from relief , and Mom cried with me . After a while , Mom released her hug and pulled back . " I 'm sorry , " I replied . " I know I should have known better , but I 've read so many stories where parents can 't accept it . I guess I was afraid you would be disappointed in me . " " Why on earth would I be disappointed ? " she asked . " It 's not like you chose to be gay . And even if you did , it 's such a small part of who you are . " " Yes , I know , " she said with a grin . " I 'm not that naïve or uninformed , kiddo . " She then took my hand and said , " It 's dinnertime . Come on , let 's go in and find something to eat . " We dug around in the kitchen and found some leftovers before sitting down to eat . We talked through dinner and late into the evening about everything : about being gay , my fears of being discovered , Jason 's reaction , that I should be proud of who I am , that I may lose some friends and gain others , HIV / AIDS , being careful , and several other things no guy wants to talk to his mother about . But , all - in - all , we had a wonderful evening and I went to bed that night feeling seventy percent better . The thirty percent uncertainty was because of Jason 's reaction . That thirty percent would prove to be significant on Monday . The first thing that was unusual on Monday morning was that Jason didn 't stop by to pick me up and walk to school with me ; I wasn 't particularly surprised about that . The other thing that was unusual was the absolute silence as I walked into the school . Normally everyone would be talking , laughing , and jostling around ; instead , everyone was standing around , but nobody was saying a word . It was eerie . It didn 't take me long to find out what was going on , though . As I started to unlock my locker , there were a few snickers . Then , as I pulled the door open , painted on the inside of the door were the words " queer bent bastard " . I stared at it for a few seconds , then , showing no emotion whatsoever , I quietly closed my locker door and slowly made my way through the crowd of snickering classmates to the front door of the school and outside . It would have been bad enough if he had simply told people … but this ? I could picture any number of my classmates being cruel enough to do something like this , but not Jason . How did I know it was him ? Jason was the only other person who knew my lock combination , plus he was the only other person , besides my mom , who knew I was a " queer bent bastard " . Unfortunately , after being best friends for six years - ' Friends Forever ' - I thought I could trust him with my secret . I was wrong and I felt devastated . Now , instead of going to class , I was walking home , tears flooding down my face , barely paying attention to anything around me … not that I would have been able to see anything through my tears anyway . That included a dark blue Mustang coming down the street . As I stepped off the curb , I heard the screeching of tires on the pavement and the blast of a very loud horn . The next thing I knew , I had some really creepy - looking old guy , with a piece of what looked like scrambled egg stuck in his beard , shining a very bright little light in my left eye . When I jerked my head back and brought my hand up to push it away , he moved back and smiled . It was at that instant that my mom came running into the ER . A few seconds later , a nurse came in and spoke to the doctor . In another few seconds , Mom was standing beside my bed , holding my hand and asking me and / or the doctor what had happened , how I was and a bunch of other questions . Within an hour , Mom and I were on our way home . I had a bump on my head and pretty good bruises on my hip and left arm , but that was all . I was , as the doctor said , very lucky . On the way home , I told Mom everything that had gone on before my close encounter with the Mustang . She was shocked that Jason would do such a thing . Actually , furious is probably a better term . After we got home , we talked about it some more . Not just about Jason , but about school in general . There were three weeks of school left before finals . Mom contacted the principal and explained everything to him . As I was in my senior year and all our finals were provincial exams , he suggested that since I had an eighty seven percent overall average , I could stay out of school , except to write my final exams . Mom and I agreed that would be the best alternative and we both thanked him very much . Mom would pick up my books so I could study . I would only have to go to the school three more times , and not for three weeks . Hopefully , things would have blown over by then . After we finished talking to the principal , I went up to my room and flopped onto my bed . It wasn 't even noon yet and I felt exhausted . Mom came up to see if I was okay and I told her I was ; I was just tired . After about three hours , I finally made my way to the kitchen for a snack . It would have been nice if it had been three hours of uninterrupted sleep , but Mom woke me up every forty - five minutes or so because she was afraid I might have had a concussion , even though the doctor said I didn 't . When I walked in , Mom was busy as usual , baking something that smelled delicious . I poured myself a coffee and got to sample some extraordinary apple crisp , right out of the oven , to go with it . Mom poured herself a coffee and sat down with me . As we were sitting there discussing what had happened , how I felt , and what I was planning for the summer now that Jason and I were not likely to go on our three week trip to the mountains , the doorbell rang . I got up to answer it . As I was crossing through the living room , I noticed a dark blue Mustang parked out front . I opened the door . Standing there was Kent Logan , the quarterback of the school 's football team . " Hi , come in , " I said , feeling very confused . Why was the quarterback of the football team at my door ? It wasn 't that we didn 't know each other , but we were certainly not friends . Hell , we were barely acquaintances . He just looked at me for a second and grinned before stepping into the foyer . " Don 't look so surprised , " he said with a laugh . " I just came by to see how you were . I guess nobody told you , but I 'm the one who tried to run over you . My mom and I went to the hospital at noon , but all they said was that you were treated and had been released . " " Thank God , " he responded . " It 's not every day I hit someone with my car . I couldn 't even go to school this morning . After the police left , I went straight home . Then , after the hospital said you were treated and released , I went for the afternoon . I was still kinda worried about you , though . " " I don 't think so . Actually , I didn 't even look , " he replied . " What 's important is that you 're okay . When I hit you I was so scared . I mean , I never , ever , thought about what it would be like to hit a person like that . You have no idea how bad you freaked me out , man . " " I 'm so sorry , " I told him . " It wasn 't your fault . I should have been watching where I was going . I mean , I just stepped right out in front of you . " As soon as Mom was gone , Kent said , " I heard about what went down at school this morning . No one should have to deal with shit like that , man . Especially from a friend . " We moved on to other topics and were still visiting when Mom got back . It was almost surreal . We had gone to the same school for seven years and maybe said ten words to each other . Now , after he hit me with his car and found out I 'm gay , we were suddenly chatting away like old friends … weird . Soon after Mom got home , he glanced at his watch . " Oops , I 'd better get going , " he said . " I promised my little brother I would help him fix his bike … like an hour ago . " He had also given me a lot to think about from our chat , especially the part about a lot of the kids not caring that I was gay . Was avoiding school really necessary ? Would I be okay if I went back ? Would people leave me alone ? I knew they sure as hell would if I was walking with Kent … but would he be as open and accepting at school as he was here ? I was going to stay home for the next few days for sure , anyway . First of all , the bruise on my hip was beginning to really hurt , and second , I wasn 't sure I was ready to face Jason quite yet . Besides , I had Saturday to think about , and Kent . Hmmm , Kent … 6 ' 2 " , dark blond hair , kind of greyish - blue eyes , a gorgeous smile and body to die for . " I think you should , " he stated . " Don 't let the assholes win , man , and don 't give in to your fears or they 'll take over . You were created gay and God doesn 't make mistakes . Be proud of who you are and don 't let anyone else tell you otherwise . " Fifteen minutes later , we were pulling into the driveway of one of the most grandiose houses I had ever seen . It looked like it should have been on some huge southern plantation in the seventeen - hundreds . It was unbelievable . The fact that there was a four - car garage attached to the east end of it only made it seem that much bigger . As we drove up , the third door opened and Kent drove in and parked . Just as we were getting out of the car , a high pitched voice rang out . " Kennntt , the chain came off my bike again ! I 'm supposed to go over to Kenny 's for a sleepover ! " I turned to see where the voice had come from , only to see a miniature Kent come running across the front of the garage . We walked back across the garage and through a doorway that led into what I soon learned was the pool house . No sooner were we in there than Kent started to take his clothes off . I just stood there for a second or two before it dawned on me that I should be doing the same thing . Within a couple of minutes , we were both into our swimming trunks and on our way out to the pool . I have to admit though , I did take a few seconds to admire Kent 's body , both before and after he got his trunks on . Kent also gave me a quick glance before I got my trunks on . " Holy shit , that 's some bruise , " he stated as he looked at the bruise on my hip . " Did I do that ? " he asked . As soon as we stepped out of the pool house , I was introduced to his brother , Jamie , who was almost identical to Kent except for his black hair and vivid blue eyes , and then to Jamie 's girlfriend , Karen , who was absolutely beautiful . Next , I was introduced to Kent 's sister , Sandy , who was a feminine version of Kent . We all said , " Hi , it 's good to meet you , " or similar , when someone suddenly popped up out of the water and onto the side of the pool . A few seconds later , I was being introduced to their cousin , Kyle , who , up until that moment , had been swimming the length of the pool underwater . Suddenly , I was completely tongue - tied and just kind of stared at him . He seemed to be having the same problem . Finally , after about ten or fifteen seconds , I was able to choke out a , " Hi , " and reached out my hand . He responded with a similar rather weak , " Hi , " and reached up so we could shake hands . When I glanced over at the others , all of them had huge grins on their faces . It appeared that our reaction to each other was somewhat entertaining . Kyle was new at school this year and I knew very little about him . I knew he was in all of my classes . I knew he was very quiet and almost painfully shy . I knew he was drop - dead gorgeous . I knew he had the greenest eyes and deepest dimples on the planet . And I knew I had a huge crush on him . I think I had heard his voice twice in six months , and both times I had almost melted into the floor . This guy was every gay boy 's ultimate fantasy , and now here he was , all tanned and beautiful , sitting on the edge of the pool in nothing but a pair of tiny white Speedos . Kent asked if I would like something to drink . After a couple of seconds , I was able to get my mind working again long enough to say , " Yes please , a Coke if you have it . " A few seconds later , I had my drink in my hand and was sitting in a lounge chair next to Kent and sipping on a nice cold Coke . I looked at Jamie and gave him a grin . " Actually , I think it 's more like Kent 's one of my walking victims than I 'm one of his driving victims . After all , I did step off the curb right in front of him , " I said in Kent 's defence . We talked about the accident for a few minutes . All were in agreement with Kent : they couldn 't think of anything more upsetting than hitting someone with your car , even if it wasn 't your fault . The feeling of helplessness when he knew he wasn 't going to be able to stop was something Kent said he would never forget . Again , I apologized to him , and again he explained how it had taught him something valuable , thankfully without serious consequences . The conversation soon moved on to other things and we all became involved in some less serious , fun , back and forth banter . However , I noticed that Kyle was still sitting on the edge of the pool , kind of staring at the water , and only glancing our way once in a while . Kent noticed too and went over and sat down beside him . He said something to him and Kyle glanced at me quickly and then gave Kent a very small , shy smile . After a couple more minutes , Kent got up and reached out to him . Kyle looked at his hand for a few seconds , then finally took it and pulled himself up . He followed Kent back to the sitting area and sat in one of the lounge chairs . He was just to my right and a little behind me . Kent grabbed him a Sprite and sat back down on the other side of me . We chatted a bit more . Kyle gave one - word answers if he was asked a question , but otherwise he was quiet . Suddenly , Kent got up and yelled , " Pool time ! " He grabbed my right hand and Kyle 's left and ran for the pool , dragging us along with him . He didn 't let go until he jumped into the pool , so Kyle and I had no choice but to follow and jump in on either side of him . Within five seconds , everyone was in the pool , splashing and laughing . Even Kyle had a grin on his face . Just as suddenly as we were dragged into the pool , Jamie slapped Kent 's shoulder , yelled , " Tag , you 're it ! " and dove under the water . Everyone splashed Kent and began to swim away from him . I was now involved in a game of water tag , whether I wanted to be or not , so I swam as hard as I could away from Kent . Once Kent had recovered from the splashing and could see again , he began to tread water and slowly turn , watching each of us and how we were positioned , as he plotted who would be his first victim . He made a sudden move towards Kyle and almost before I could blink , Kyle dove under water and was treading water right beside me . I suddenly realized what an exceptionally strong swimmer he was . I couldn 't imagine moving that fast underwater , and I considered myself a strong swimmer . In fact , I began to wonder if I wasn 't in the pool with the Olympic swim team , as all of them seemed to be excellent swimmers . The game continued for five minutes before Kent was able to tag anyone . It turned out to be Karen . Now , guys tend to rely on their power and speed , but girls tend to be a little more deceptive . That doesn 't mean guys are all brawn and no brain , nor does it mean girls are all brain and no brawn . It 's just how they use them together that are often different . Oh , and girls cheat . Karen glanced at Sandy , and suddenly dove under the water . Sandy immediately started splashing and making waves . Now we all know that it 's impossible to see people who are underwater when the surface is disturbed by splashes and ripples . Everyone moved away from where Karen had been , however no one knew where she had gone . No one , that is , except Kyle , who immediately dove under the water so he could see her , and stay away from her . It was only thirty seconds before Jamie disappeared as Karen grabbed his foot and pulled him under . Jamie was now ' it ' . The game went on for over and hour . I got caught twice , Kent once , Jamie once , Karen twice and Sandy twice . Of course , no one even came close to Kyle . I noticed one thing about Kyle : when he was in the water , he was much more confident . I could see it in his eyes . Not only did he have more confidence , but also you could see a sense of freedom . He wasn 't laughing , splashing , daring or taunting like the rest of us , but he was definitely more at ease . He even smiled a few times . As soon as we were out of the water , the shyness took over again . This time , as everyone scrambled for a lounge chair , Kyle and I found ourselves sitting side by side . I had my original chair , but Kyle was left with the one Kent had been sitting in . Kent and Sandy made sure everyone had a drink and we all leaned back and relaxed . The game went on for probably a good half hour . Everyone was being very diplomatic and no one was asking really personal questions or giving too embarrassing dares . The questions were all simple , ' get to know each other better ' types of questions - something I was very grateful for . The dares were all things that any of us would feel comfortable doing , too . They were things like ' do a half pike from the high diving board ' . Even Kyle began to relax and get into it . He dared Karen to kiss the love of her life . Of course , she immediately got up and kissed Kent . That got her thrown into the pool by Jamie , giving everyone a good laugh . Our truth and dare game kind of came to an end at that point and turned into a conversation about what it 's like when you first realize you 're gay , living with the fear of being discovered , and how your ' best friend for life ' can turn against you . I was amazed by the support I was receiving from everyone . Their questions were sincere and so were their responses . The only one who remained quiet , of course , was Kyle . When I told them how supportive my mom had been , I 'm sure I saw a tear roll down his cheek . It made me wonder why he was now living with his aunt and uncle ; I wanted to reach out or say something to him , but thought better of it . I think Kent noticed , too , because he announced he was getting hungry and suggested that we should fire up the barbecue and get everything going for dinner . Suddenly , everyone was up and we were all given a job to do . I was asked to make a salad . Karen took me into the kitchen and showed me where everything was . Kyle was given the task of washing the potatoes and doing whatever it is you do to get potatoes ready to be baked on the barbecue . I 'm not sure if it was planned , but Kyle and I ended up being the only two in the kitchen . As we were working , I couldn 't help but notice that Kyle kept glancing at me . A couple of times , I noticed him pause and his glance actually become an intent gaze . I tried to be careful not to give him the impression I was watching him , but I was . I 'd had a crush on him before , based on looks alone , but now as I got glimpses into who he was as a person , I began to realize how easy it would be to fall in love with him . He was gorgeous , yeah , but he had a quality about him that defied explanation . He was sweet , gentle , vulnerable , obviously hurting , and yet strong and determined at the same time . " That makes two of us , " I stated with a smile . " In fact , if anyone should be apologizing , it 's me . You were the new guy and I should have stepped up and made you feel welcome . " " I 'm sorry , " I said . " No one should have to lose people over something so trivial . What is it that people are so afraid of ? " Then , realizing what I had just said , I added , " Sorry , I didn 't mean to insinuate you were the same as me . " " Don 't be , " he responded as he took a deep breath . " I … uh … I … meant exactly that , when I said ' been there , done that ' . Actually , for me it was worse . I lost my best friend and my parents . " It took me about two seconds to move around the island and pull him into a hug . When I did , he wrapped his arms tightly around me and began to sob uncontrollably . I just held him and stroked his hair as I tried to comfort him . As we were standing there , I glanced over and saw Kent watching us . Within a minute , Jamie , Sandy and Karen were standing beside him . All of them were in tears as well . Kyle and I must have stood there for at least ten minutes before he began to calm down . I felt his grip on me loosen up a little . He pulled back a little and again looked into my eyes . He smiled . I gave him a little squeeze . He rested his head on my shoulder again and squeezed back . After a few more minutes , he stepped back , grabbed a towel and wiped his eyes . Then he handed it to me . It wasn 't until then that I realized I had been crying right along with him . " I can 't believe I just did that , " he said , still smiling . " I 've felt like a time bomb waiting to explode for months . Kent and Jamie and everyone have done everything to get me to open up to them . Then , you come along … somebody I hardly know , and boom . " Kent just stood there for a second before his face lit up like a five year old 's on Christmas morning . In an instant , he had Kyle wrapped up in a smothering hug . A minute or so later , when he finally released him , Kyle gave him an equally big grin and asked , " Do you always grab people who are holding sharp knives and hug them ? ' Cause if you do , one of these days you won 't have to worry about having kids anymore . " " Shut up and hand me those onions , " Kent replied , laughing . He then looked up at me and as tears momentarily reappeared in his eyes , he mouthed , ' Thank you . ' I just smiled . About an hour later , we were picking our steaks off the barbecue and sitting down at a picnic table on the deck . Anyone walking in on us would have thought we were all tapping into some spiked punch . The air around the table was absolutely festive . Everyone was laughing and joking and giving each other a hard time . Kyle was right there in the middle of it all . That was one more thing to take note of : he was definitely NOT shy . After we finished eating and cleaning up , everyone grabbed a drink and flopped down on the lawn . We were all in that ' I just ate the best meal of my life ' mode , and just lay there quietly looking at the stars . I can 't describe how I was feeling as I lay there with Kent and Kyle and everyone . It was like we had known each other and been friends since birth . I was so comfortable and so at ease . It was hard to believe I had only really met most of them a few hours ago . I felt completely on top of the world . That was , until I felt Kyle 's fingers brush mine . I turned my head to see him looking at me , smiling . Even in the dark , his eyes sparkled . Okay , maybe NOW I was on top of the world . I don 't think either one of us was conscious of the fact that we were moving closer together . At least , not before our lips met . I can honestly say that if I were asked to explain how I felt at that moment , I wouldn 't be able to . As Kyle slowly moved away , he wasn 't smiling anymore . He was grinning from ear to ear and was soon moving in for another kiss . It was during that particular mind - blowing experience that somewhere off in the distance , we heard what sounded like someone clearing their throat . When we finally decided to pay attention to our surroundings again , we were looking into the smiling face of Kent . " Same as all those pathetic fund - raisers , boring as hell , " his dad answered . " How about your barbecue ? I see you cleaned everything up . Thank you . " " It 's nice to meet you , Chad , " she said . " How are you , dear ? I hope you weren 't injured too badly . " " I think it 's time we left the younger generation to themselves , dear , " their dad said . " I 'm too old to be up this late . Come on , it 's time for us old folks to call it a night . " " Don 't be , " she said , laughing . " I am so happy for the two of you . And Kyle , you have no idea how happy I am to have you back . You really had us scared for a while there , bud . " " Thanks , " he replied . " I had me scared for a while there , too . It 's good to be back . " He gave me another quick kiss . About two o ' clock , everyone started yawning . Jamie announced that he was taking Karen home and would be back shortly . Kent asked me if I was ready to call it a night . I looked at Kyle and smiled , then back to Kent and said , " Yeah , maybe I should . " We held hands all the way to my place . As we pulled up in the driveway , Kyle released my hand and brushed his fingers across my cheek . " I can 't believe this is for real , " he said . " I didn 't think it was possible to feel this good . " I took his hand and kissed it . " Neither did I , " I responded as my eyes filled with tears . Needless to say , we spent the next twenty minutes saying good night to each other before we finally decided he should get Kent 's car back before they really did send out a search party . So , after one last prolonged good night kiss , I finally opened my door and ran up to my front door . I stood there watching and waving until he disappeared down the street . I can 't explain how I felt as I unlocked the door and quietly slipped up to my room . I don 't think I had ever felt so alive . When I finally woke up Sunday morning , Mom was sitting at the kitchen table , sipping on probably her tenth morning coffee and reading the paper . As soon as she looked at me , the first words out her mouth were , " Okay , spill it . What did you get up to last night ? You look far too happy . " That 's when I told her the whole story of my evening at Kent 's and with Kyle . Several times , Mom interrupted me with things like , " Oh that poor boy . " At least , she did until I got towards the end . Then she just stared at me in disbelief . " You be careful , " she said . " I know how intense young love can be and I don 't want you getting hurt . You 've been through enough with Jason . " " Mom , I have never been so happy in my life , " I told her . " I know we won 't hurt each other , ever . But if it does happen , it will still have been worth it to experience what I am feeling right now . I can 't even explain how I feel right now . " She just held her arms out and I stepped into them . " I 'm so happy for you sweetie , " she said . " And I really do hope it lasts . " I laughed as I told her she wasn 't the first person to say that . Just then , the phone rang . I quickly picked it up and answered it . The first words I heard were , " Hey babe , I didn 't wake you up did I ? " We both said goodbye and the first thing I did was turn to Mom and beg her not to embarrass me or say anything about his past that might upset him . She gave me her word that she would be nice . Within half an hour , Kyle was pulling up in front of the house . It looked like he had his Aunt 's car , a fairly new silver BMW , something that impressed my mom . I met him at the door and gave him a quick kiss as I invited him in , something that also didn 't go unnoticed by my mom . " I 'm very pleased to meet you too , " Mom replied as she took his hand and then pulled him into a little hug . " And you can call me Carol or Mom . Mrs . Bryson is a little formal , don 't you think ? " We spent the next hour sipping coffee and munching on a variety of Mom 's baking . Kyle complemented her a number of times about how good her baking was . He even made her blush once . We chatted about all sorts of things , from how we met , whether he liked school , what his career plans were , and so and so on . Mom was true to her promise and didn 't embarrass me or Kyle . We began to run out of conversation topics , so I invited Kyle down to see my room . After checking things out , we flopped back on my bed and spent a considerable amount of time just cuddling and making out . At about five - thirty , Mom tapped on my door and asked if Kyle wanted to stay for dinner . He replied that he would love to , but needed to phone his aunt first , which he did . After dinner , we went back to his place and spent a couple of hours in the pool and lying around the patio , chatting with Kent and Jamie . Somewhere in there , Kent and Kyle convinced me that I should come back to school , so at ten , we decided to call it a night . Kyle drove me home and we spent fifteen minutes saying good night . As I watched him drive off , I thought about how much had happened over the last week . I had lost my best friend of six years and I knew I was going to miss him terribly , but I had made some great new friends who accepted me and cared about me . And , above all else , I had a boyfriend . Not just any boyfriend , but I had Kyle . Kyle , who I 'd had a crush on for months . I couldn 't help but grin and do a little happy dance on the front steps as I opened the door and went inside . All - in - all , life was good . The next morning , Kent and Kyle picked me up for school . When we pulled into the parking lot of the school , we got some stares . But , when Kent , Kyle , and I walked up the steps to the front doors , you could have heard a pin drop and , once again , it felt totally eerie . There wasn 't a sound , and I knew everyone 's eyes were on us . I noticed Jason leaning on the far railing . When I glanced towards him , he quickly looked down . If it was his hope to be the hero and turn everyone against the ' queer bent bastard ' , it wasn 't working . Instead , I was walking into school , talking to , and laughing with , the most popular and respected guy on campus , the national championship - winning quarterback . Not only that , but instead of cowering in fear , or hiding at home , I was walking proudly , head held high , and hand in hand with my boyfriend . The next two weeks were amazing . If I wasn 't at Kyle 's , he was at my place . It wasn 't all fun and games , though . We both had the same classes and the provincial finals were coming up . Most of our time was spent studying and helping each other prepare . When we were at Kyle 's , Kent was usually studying with us as he was taking a couple of the same courses we were . When final exam week rolled around , we were definitely ready for it . Kyle and I finished our last final on Thursday . Kent had one final to write in Advanced Calculus on Friday and then all of us were done . Needless to say , a celebration was planned for Friday night . However , Kyle and I had a little celebration of our own planned for Thursday night . Not only were we finished finals , but I turned eighteen on Thursday and Kyle was taking me out to celebrate . We were going to the Vintage Chophouse for what could very well be the best steaks on the planet , and then to The Twisted Element to dance all night . I slowly reached over , picked it up and carefully removed the wrapping . It was a small jewelery box . I opened it . Inside were two matching rings , each with a single diamond . He then reached over and lifted one of the rings out of the box . He took my right hand in his and gently slipped the ring onto my finger as he said , " I love you Chad . I want you to think of me every time you look at this ring . " We then left the restaurant and drove over to the club . As soon as we opened the front door , the music was pounding in our ears . We showed the doorman our ID , then Kyle took my hand and we headed up the stairs into the club . I was so excited . We walked over to the bar and ordered a drink and then found a small table near the dance floor . There were only a few couples dancing , but within ten minutes the dance floor was nearly full . As we were watching , Kyle poked me and pointed across the dance floor . I looked where he was pointing and then back at him and grinned . Two of the couples were guys from our class ; guys we had no idea were gay . No sooner had we seen them than one of them saw us . Of course , they knew about us . Everyone did . They immediately came over to our table and we got a hug from each of them . We talked , or shouted to each other , for a few minutes . I 'm not sure how much of the conversation any of us heard over the music . Soon we were all on the dance floor having an amazing time . In fact , the whole evening and night were amazing . It was almost three in the morning by the time Kyle dropped me off at home ; more like three - thirty by the time we finished saying good night . I was walking on cloud nine as I glanced at my ring , grinned , and made my way up the front steps . Just as I was about to unlock the door , I noticed a slight movement to my right and realized someone was standing there , leaning against the railing . I froze for a second and I could feel the adrenalin rush . You don 't expect someone to be standing on your front step at three - thirty in the morning . Bracing myself , I slowly turned to see who it was . It was Jason . He didn 't say a word . He just extended his hand towards me , palm up . I glanced at it . Lying on the palm of his hand was a tiny box . My glance became a stare that lasted at least a minute . He didn 't move and I didn 't move . He didn 't say anything and I didn 't say anything , although I did hear a tiny sniffle . When I glanced at his face , I could see his tears as they reflected the light from the streetlight . Finally , I slowly reached out and took the box from his hand . I held it and looked at it for , again , at least a minute . Finally , I decided to open it . I slowly peeled the paper away from it . Then , I slowly opened it and lifted off the little piece of padding . Inside was a thin black cord with a simple circular pendant . I held it up to the light so I could read it . On one side it had the words ' COMPASSION ACCEPTANCE UNDERSTANDING ' . On the other side it had the words ' ERASE HATE ' . |
After a horrific accident , graphic artist Jack Simmons and his wife , Cindy , have lost all sense of a normal life . With their marriage in pieces , their only hope in setting things back is by starting over . The two pack their lives in boxes and migrate to the Big Easy . Upon arrival , Jack and Cindy fall into the jobs of their dreams . The new start they were hoping for seemed to have been waiting for them in New Orleans , after all . But something followed them . Something Evil . Jack is commissioned to create the artwork for a graphic novel about a voodoo king , The King of Evil . As Jack works diligently to create a masterpiece , drawing the images back and forth between paper and his computer , he starts seeing things . Images of his King appear in the corners of his vision . They spring up just as Jack falls asleep . Always only inches out of plain sight . The King grows more powerful , and soon he unleashes his power on Jack , Cindy , and the people in their lives . The King slowly destroys everyone around them , showing the newly rekindled couple what it 's like to be evil for evil 's sake . Jack and Cindy will need help from the King 's past victims to stop him . In the 1940s there was a hospital on the back way out of town where the poor people had their children . It was far enough out of the way that the city was only a murmur , and the trees surrounding the building threatened to break in through the windows . The red brick building was small , and there were only a few rooms . At the edge of the tall grass where the trees stopped , a chipmunk stared in wonder at the marvelous brick structure built by man . She had spent a long day trudging through the swampy Louisiana woods , which was much harder now that she was carrying a litter . The far away sky bruised with the arrival of an oncoming storm . Bars guarded the glass , but the chipmunk had no problem watching the commotion inside . She didn 't see the brownish - orange , diamond - shaped head easing through the tall grass . She watched as the big people picked up the small people from tiny beds and walked out of view . Then a big person would return and lay the small one back in the bed . No one but the chipmunk seemed to notice when the black smoke rose from the center of the room . None of the people reacted whatsoever , because only the chipmunk saw the ashy gray person materialize in the center of the nursery . The head crept closer . The life inside the chipmunk 's belly stirred . They were hungry , too . The gray person stood above the tiny bed with wide eyes fixed on the small person . He looked back and forth between the one in front of him and the one just to his right . Then he turned to the one on his right as if suddenly more intrigued with that one . The chipmunk had no idea what to make of this . She just wanted food , and there was the feint smell of something sweet coming from that building . The chipmunk stood on her hind legs . She stopped , tilting her head . The new person , the one no one else seemed to notice , lifted an arm above his head . The copperhead sprung forward , sinking its teeth and venom into her back . The arm descended . As life drained from the chipmunk , the ashy gray person vanished , and the other people in the building seemed to panic . 1 " Shh , " Jack said , glaring through the space between the drapes and window next to the back door . " There 's someone in the yard . Get your phone . " " Cut it out , " Cindy said , playfully . " Come back to bed . " The room was pitch black , but she knew he stared out one of the tall narrow windows flanking the back door . His moonlit face shined from beside the drapes . The cold night invaded the house , and Cindy shivered . She could almost see his breath in the glow reaching through the glass like a phantom . Not sure what to believe - Jack wasn 't one to make jokes like this - she reached for the light switch . Her finger came upon the cold metal barrel of Jack 's shotgun . There was no time to consider what she felt before her foot grazed a moving box at the bottom of the stairs between the kitchen and the family room . She thought certainly there would be a full - fledged family to fill that room by now . She caught the teetering stack and stabled the tower of boxes before a loud crash sounded through the open ground floor . She turned back to Jack . She could see the look of anger and concern twisting his face . The initial thought that Jack was kidding her morphed into something just outside of sheer panic . The change was instantaneous . She went as cold as the barrel of the gun . " Jack , " her voice trembled . " Jack , what do we do ? " " Go upstairs and call the police . Don 't make a lot of noise . Everything is going to be fine . Nothing is going to happen . Let 's just be quiet . We don 't want anything to happen , and if we stay quiet nothing will . " His voice was soft and confident . He did his best not to send her into a panic . That wasn 't something she usually did , but they had never gone through this sort of thing before . Jack kept his attention on the back yard . In the far corner of the privacy fence stood a dilapidated shack that housed old paint cans , the lawnmower , and little else . Jack had mounted a floodlight above the door that illuminated the yard every night at eight until six the next morning . Between the house and the shack there was a small garden where they grew tomatoes together , but since the move began they hadn 't done more than water the dying leaves . Jack watched the figure standing next to the shed . Not quite in the light , but Jack could see the silhouette of a person standing , waiting . Whoever it was stood tall enough to bump his head on the roof of the shed . His build was lanky , reminding Jack of the slender man videos he had seen in college . He had to shove that thought away before he really started to fall apart . Jack kept his eyes fixed on the black outline encroaching on their property and interrupting their feeling of safety . Cindy 's voice came from the bedroom upstairs . Jack nearly called back to her when he realized that she was on the phone . She was using her headphones because he could see a feint glow from the cellphone 's screen lighting up the stairway . Jack listened to Cindy give the police their address and ask them to please hurry . There was enough fear in her voice to warrant an emergency , but she managed to keep composed . " What are you doing out there ? " Jack whispered to himself . He glared at the black shape through the windows . It didn 't move . It seemed to be staring right back at him . " Nobody 's bothering you . " " Okay , honey , " Jack said , feeling awkward after calling his wife of nearly five years " honey " for the first time in their lives . The words tasted like medicine he didn 't need . He grimaced . " Just stay up there , alright ? Do you remember where we put the other gun ? " Jack had actually forgotten . The tedious work of packing up the house caused the location of many things to lose their place in his mind . " Grab it and don 't put it down until the police come , okay ? " He knew what she was doing . After this long he could probably spell out with the exact words what she was thinking . " Don 't go thinking anything is going to happen , Cin . It 's just a guy in the yard . Probably just a wonderer . Just wait for me in bed . " He felt a little guilty and told her he loved her , too . " I 'm serious . Nothing 's going to happen . " " I knew we should 've gotten rid of that thing . " Cindy said , more to herself than Jack . " I can 't believe this is happening . Thank God we 're getting the hell out of this shitty city . " " It 's okay , Cin , " Jack said , going over a mental list of reasons the city had been shitty for them . There was one big reason , and a ton of little ones that made it seem so much bigger . He had to make a conscious effort to slow down before his thoughts spiraled out of control . He focused on the person outside until the feeling was out of his system . He could only think of one thing to say that might keep Cindy calm . He said it without knowing anything of its validity . " The police will be here in no time . They 'll be here before this guy has time to do anything crazy in the first place . " The shadow moved . It remained in the same spot but it 's arms flailed eccentrically . There was a little hint of red where the person 's head was . Too bright to be hair . The movement was familiar to Jack . Almost like a pitcher 's wind up , Jack had enough time to think . In front of his eyes , the window cracked , dead center in the pane . The break speared out in all directions like ice . Cindy screamed . Her voice rang in his ears . " The son of a bitch threw something . " Jack was taken aback , offended . Not only did this asshole have the nerve to step onto his property , but he was also destroying it , literally right in front of Jack 's eyes . Jack had to focus on keeping his voice calm . He didn 't want to stir her into a frenzy , because when Cindy felt something , it spilled over to the people around her . That 's the kind of person she was . What she felt , everyone felt . Jack pulled the handle on the door , tightening the grip on the shotgun . The knob was locked , and the door didn 't budge . He supposed that wasn 't a bad thing . His heart pounded as Jack realized he had never even shot the gun in his hand . His mouth quivered . His eyes watered . From across the house , he heard knocking on the door , shaking Jack back to reality . " Don 't let him come in ! " Cindy shouted , hearing someone outside fumble with a knob . " It 's the cops , Cin , " Jack walked through the house . He heard thumping overhead , and Cindy raced behind him to the front door . Jack confirmed the policemen on the front porch through the peephole and ushered them inside . " Is everyone alright , sir ? " The officer in charge asked . " Come on , " Jack rushed back through the house . " He 's out by the shed . He threw something at the house . " A second police officer stayed behind , talking to Cindy . Jack unlocked the handle and threw open the door . The policeman behind him charged forward with a handgun loaded behind the beam of a Maglite . " Nobody move , " he shouted in the direction of the shed . " Come out here , right now . You 're under arrest . " Jack followed for a few steps , but he knew the shadows would be empty . That 's how these things worked after all . They could scan every inch of the back yard , but it would be a waste of time . The intruder was gone . Just like that . Fast as the pitch that destroyed the kitchen window . " Mr . Simmons , did you get a good look at him ? " The blue and red lights from the police car chased each other across the walls of Jack and Cindy 's living room in the dull shine of the end table lamp . Jack and Cindy both wanted the lights to be turned off . In a small neighborhood like this , all it took to become a spectacle was the dancing red and blues of a police car . " I don 't really know , " Jack explained . " He was tall . His head nearly touched the roof of the shed . But that 's really all I could tell you . I 'm not even one hundred percent sure it was a man if I 'm being totally honest . I didn 't go outside , but he looked pretty scrawny from here . I just watched him from the window and made sure he didn 't try to come inside . I probably wouldn 't even be able to pick him out of a line up . " " What 'd you see ? " The officer asked . Jack felt a tinge of impatience in his voice . " What was he doing , I mean ? " " Okay , " the policeman said . " How did you discover him ? " " I woke up about an hour ago , and I couldn 't go back to sleep . I had a weird dream so I was already on edge . Maybe I was looking for something to jump at . Eventually I came down for some water , and I noticed something moving in the flood light on the shed . The shadow passed over the window . I peeked through the glass on the side of the door and saw someone , so I ran and got the gun . I was about to go outside and see what was happening when Cindy came down . I didn 't want anything happening to her , so I stayed where I was . That 's when she called you guys , and I guess in the time it took to answer the door he jumped the fence . " " He threw something at the window . It 's busted . " Jack pulled the curtain to the side , revealing a shattered panel of glass . Part of him was beginning to worry that the man was never there at all . But seeing the fractured glass put that thought out of his mind . " No idea . I was keeping an eye on him . I didn 't even see anything move . He didn 't pick anything up . He must have already had it on him . " " No . " Then something came to him . Wasn 't he wearing something on his head ? Wasn 't something red up there ? He didn 't know for sure , but it wouldn 't hurt to tell the police what he saw . " He might have been wearing a hat I think . " The other officer returned from a perimeter check . He noticed the boxes throughout the house . It was difficult not to see them . " Y ' all moving ? " " Yeah , " Cindy said . She pushed the hair out of her eyes and locked her arms together at the front of her robe . " Within the week . " " No , it 's more than just this , " Cindy interrupted . Her tone froze the room and everything in it . She told herself to calm down . Nothing good will come from you snapping at someone . It 's not his fault . Whoever or whatever it was is gone now . She took a breath and said , " We 're moving to Metairie . " " Louisiana ? " " You 've heard of it then ? " Cindy said . She was being sarcastic , but that went right over the policeman 's head . " It 's only a couple hours , " Cindy said . " We 'll come visit if you start to miss us . " " She got a better job in New Orleans , " Jack told the officer , glad to see Cindy was melting back to normal . " No , " Cindy answered . " I can 't imagine anyone would . I only help people get better . No one ever gets mad at someone for that , right ? Besides , ninety percent of the people I work with are retirees . " " Never know . We 'll go ahead and assume not . If you think of someone , let us know . " The officer pointed the end of his pen at Jack . " What about you ? Anyone wanting to get back at you for anything ? " " I 'm not ' Phil Hartman ' good . " " Hmm … " the officer said . " And do you have any reason to believe someone was breaking in to harm either of you ? " " Okay , " the officer closed his notepad and put the pen in his uniform pocket . " We 'll keep a car around the neighborhood just in case . A neighborhood like this , if you jump out of one yard , you jump into someone else 's . We 'll come by in the morning and see if anyone else saw anything . Lock the doors . Close the windows . If anything happens again , just give us a call . " The officer handed Jack a card with no more information than he could get by dialing 911 . The officer 's signature was scribbled on a line in the middle , but Jack couldn 't read it . " Sure thing , " Jack said , leading the policemen out of the house . He closed the door behind them and locked both the knob and the deadbolt . He turned to Cindy who stood in the hall between the living room and kitchen . He felt the air change . Now it was just the two of them again . She could be honest . " I 'm so ready to get out of this place , Jack . " Cindy said . She leaned back against the wall and slowly slid down to the floor . He joined her . " It 's almost over . We start the move tomorrow . Louisiana is just around the corner . Look on the bright side . At least it didn 't happen when we first got here . We 'd be a nervous wreck from day one . Now we can know we made the right decision to move . " " I already knew that , Mr . Simmons . " Cindy said , talking like the police officers . " Let 's go back to bed , " Jack said . He pretended to put her in a headlock . " You have to be up in two hours . " They walked up the stairs together , in one another 's arms . The next morning Jack rose as Cindy showered in the adjacent bathroom . He heard the water slap onto the floor of the tub as she wrung out her hair . He rarely woke early enough to catch her before she was ready for work , but today was a big day for him . Not only was it the first official moving day , but he was also turning in the final draft of the cover for The Homerun Killer , a thriller by Steven Bell . Jack spent weeks bringing the little dickhead 's concept to life , and a week editing it , and a second week re - editing it . He almost didn 't give Bell the painted version of his cover , but he did it for every client . No matter how difficult a client was to work with , he always did it . Bell was by far the worst , but Jack didn 't think being petty would help move his career forward . He had to keep every client regardless of their never - ending inflexibility . Plus the money he made from The Homerun Killer paid for the move and the first month on the house note . Might as well chew the bullshit and smile , he told himself when he applied the first coat of varnish . He didn 't even bother painting the edges or using black duct tape to cover the sides like he usually did . This was just a small gift for a client . Strictly for fun . Unless Bell decided to show some form of last minute appreciation for putting up with the pompous attitude and condescension toward Jack 's work , then Jack didn 't take anything away from this endeavor aside from the debt free move across state lines . If Bell had anything to say other than " Thank you , Mr . Simmons , " Jack would break the canvas over his tiny head . Tom , Jack 's agent , could pitch a fit if he wanted . To be honest the little dickhead was getting on Tom 's bad side as well . Jack poured himself a mug of coffee and walked into the garage . He looked at the painting lying across the smallest of his four easels . He didn 't love this cover and deliberately left his name off the list of credits on the book jacket so no one would see it . Although he would never say it out right , Jack had much better ideas than the writer , every time . After all he went to college to know more about the visual aspects of a book than a writer would . Steven Bell was no exception to that rule . That 's why he insisted on the consultation before he even put the pen to paper . He understood an author 's intent on being more involved in his process , after all it was their show , their livelihood , their art , but they hired him to do a job . He just wanted them to step aside and let him do it . Most authors were more than happy to honor the tacit agreement to let Jack work his magic . Steven Bell was not one of them . It wasn 't that Jack didn 't get to use his ideas , but that his ideas weren 't even listened to . That 's what dug at him . If Bell knew exactly what he wanted , he could 've gone to anyone . That didn 't stop Jack from cashing the checks though . Jack sipped his coffee , inwardly swearing at the painting . Staring at it like this , he thought of the way the shadow moved last night . It winded up and threw that rock . He felt the corner of the canvas for wetness as he walked it into the kitchen . It 's actually not that bad . " Great job , baby , " Cindy said , pulling her almost - black hair back in a ponytail . She never asked to see his work while it was still in progress . She was only there to hear his euphoric rants - and in the case of Steve Bell , talk him off the ledge - as he worked his magic on the computer . She preferred to look at the final painting so the magic wouldn 't be ruined . To have it come to her all at once , the way it came to the customers in the bookstores , made it more special . Something about the texture and the weight of the canvas felt more real to her than a print out . More complete . And when she held the canvas , she could feel her husband 's passion in what he had done . " The brooding guy in the corner 's pretty creepy . " She sipped her chocolate milk , grinning behind her freckles at Jack over the glass . The painting displayed a vivacious crowd of baseball fans , some of their faces red from screaming , others painted maroon and yellow in support of the fictional team , many of the fans were dressed in Vikings shirts . One burly , hairy man dressed in a dark red Viking costume pumped his fists and stoked the flames of their enthusiasm . At the top of the frame , the title of the book shown brightly on the scoreboard under the line next at bat - something Jack passively fought until finally giving up after soothing a minor tantrum from his employer - and the bottom of the page was an advertising - style board leaning against the fence , which read a thriller by Steven Bell , which was also not among Jack 's favorite ideas . The arms of the fans were raised in a cheer that pointed up and to the right of the frame . Even the hairy Viking pointed to the corner of the frame . The simultaneous raised arms subtly directed the viewer 's eye to the top right side of the cover where a shadowy man stood , leering down onto the field . He wore a maroon baseball cap with a yellow " V " sewn onto the front . Everything else about the Homerun Killer was hidden in shadows . The bottom corner of his face was all that could be seen . Just a small triangle of a stubbled jawline . " What 's his story ? " Cindy asked . Another thing she waited to hear about until the end was the story behind the artwork . She wanted to be like everyone who stumbled across Jack 's covers in the bookstores , totally clueless . And that 's how she thought of them . Not as the author 's books , but as Jack 's covers . " Well , that 's the Homerun Killer , " Jack told her . " Don 't get too close . He 's a maniac . " " Because every time someone comes close to breaking his homerun record , boom . " Jack ran a finger across his throat . " He ' homerun kills ' them . " " Ew , gross , " Cindy laughed . " It 's pretty corny . " Jack examined his work . " But it 's published , so it must offer something . " Cindy walked across the kitchen to Jack and put her arms around his neck . She ran her fingers over the back of his head and brushed the dark hair out of his eyes . I 'll have to cut that for him before we leave , she thought . Her scrubs were the same color as her big blue eyes . Her bangs twitched when her eyelashes rebounded from a blink . Her cheekbones were showing a little more than they used to lately . They had both lost a little weight . It wasn 't from a total lack of money , but partly from not knowing where Jack 's next check would come from , and they both cut back without thinking about it . Little things here and there . Less eating out , only one popcorn at the movies on the sporadic nights they went , Cindy finally quit the gym she was too busy to go to anymore . The other part of their weight loss , the more obvious part , came from a simple lack of time . Between her dozens of clients a week keeping her after hours , and his constant travel and self - promotion , searching for the next project , they rarely had a night to eat together . That typically made for multiple meals a week consisting of a TV dinner tray or a can of ravioli , followed by a book for an hour before bed for both of them . That was another reason Cindy was thankful for her new job . The money and the hours would be much better , and moving closer to a bigger city would give Jack higher potential for more local clientele . Cindy couldn 't wait to get out of this nowheresville town . The last few years had taken a considerable toll on her , but now she and Jack were finally in a place where they were both happy again , together . That was something Cindy had truly missed . She rubbed Jack 's back , helping him examine the painting . " Well at least you don 't have to worry with the little dickhead anymore . " Cindy looked at him with an expression somewhere between confused and genuinely frightened . " It 's just an expression . " Jack sipped his coffee . His face sagged a little . " What 's wrong ? " She asked . She saw something sad in his eyes . Just a flicker . His face was red from mowing the lawn the day before and would be tan by the end of the day . She was secretly jealous of how dark he could get without even trying . " You usually have a lot more pep when you finish a cover . Did he really torment you that badly ? " " I didn 't sleep at all after the police left . My cage was rattled . The reason I woke up in the first place is what got me . I had this weird dream that the Homerun Killer was real , and he homerun killed me . " " I hate baseball . Still , it woke me up . " Jack squeezed his arms around her waist so that she wouldn 't be able to get free . " He just came at me with his bat and … " he pretended to bite her neck , snarling and growling like a monster . Chills rose all over her skin , and she giggled the way she had when they started dating . " Walk me through your day . " Cindy kissed him on the neck and laid her head on his shoulder . She swayed with him in her arms . They danced without music . Cindy backed away from him , smiling ear to ear . She wasn 't crying but her eyes were ready to . " I love you , Jack . " " I love you too , " he answered . She kissed him again , and angled the painting toward her . She put both hands on the corners the way a parent does to a child to really explain why what they did was wrong . Cindy gazed at the painting . " Careful , it 's still a little wet . Don 't get it on you . " She looked at it the way she looked at all of his paintings . The way a connoisseur would take in a classic by Rembrandt or Michelangelo . Sometimes he thought she cared more about the paintings than he did . " You know , it really is good . " Cindy stepped back and really looked at the painting . She may as well have been in a museum . Her eyes shined with wonder . " It 's amazing to me that you can do that . Paint it exactly like the covers . It 's a shame it has to go to such a tool . " She hadn 't seen this cover but all the ones before it looked exactly like the paintings . " I wouldn 't have done it if I was you , honestly . " " Well , I definitely didn 't want to , " Jack said . " I kind of think they expect it now . Plus , he paid more than anyone else has . I felt like he earned it . " " You 're a good man , Charlie Brown . I got to go . I don 't want to be fired for being late . " Cindy kissed him again , tousled his hair , and left the house for her final day of work . " I just heard that today was your last day , Mrs . S . " Mark said . He had quickly become Cindy 's favorite patient . He was the only one she actually looked forward to seeing . A few months ago he was in a horrible accident , and Cindy understood why the doctors told him he would never walk again . His tibia plateau had been broken so badly that at a glance she honestly mistook the x - ray for a mishapened hand . The plate in his leg made the images look like a slasher movie prop . His file said he was six feet , five inches tall , and he hung off both ends of the plinth table . That gave Cindy reason to think maybe six - five was undercutting him a little . He was a tiny bit over weight but Cindy could tell by his slightly drooping figure that he had lost a lot of his size recently . Mark was her ideal patient . He was sweet and charming , and always did his exercises at home . Cindy hated to think about what happened to him . That sort of thing was just a testament to how horrible this town was . " What gives ? I still got a couple weeks before I 'm out . " Mark was winding down his appointment with ankle stretches . He doubled up two of the thickest bands the complex carried . His drive to recover was admirable , and at the rate he progressed , he 'd prove everyone wrong and continue with his life as if nothing happened to him at all . What kind of doctor could tell a patient to give up before the bone even mended ? Cindy thought for the umpteenth time . " This is Mark , " Cindy told Dana , her trainee and replacement . Dana was new to the field just like Cindy was three years ago and fresh out of college . She was small - maybe five feet tall , a big maybe - and Cindy was a little let down that she wouldn 't be able to watch her work on Mark 's huge structure . She imaged a squirrel trying to climb a tree . " Now even if you somehow manage to kill everyone else , you must work very diligently to keep this one alive . " " That 's right , " Mark added . " I have to be alive , so that when her husband strikes it rich as an artist , she can leave him and we 'll run away together with half of his money . Perfect crime . Plus , if the world ends , don 't you want someone tall to reach the high stuff ? " " Why do you always hurt me when all I 've ever done , " Mark paused , looking down at the floor , then continued , " is love you . Actually now is a better time than any . I can 't feel my face , and that is the typical indication that I am sedated . Also , no one ever says ' behold ' anymore . They just start talking about whatever the hell their thing is . Just - , it 's - , there 's no flare with the language anymore . " Dana did her best to hold back a laugh . She held out her hand to him . " I 'm Dana . I 'll be taking over with you when Cindy leaves . " " It 's great to meet you , Dana , " Mark let go of the rubber bands , launching them into the nearby hamper with the rest of the used bands waiting to be washed . Mark shook Dana 's hand . Then he slapped the thigh of his injured leg . " Watch that left leg . It 's a stubborn one . " Cindy took her place at the side of the table and grabbed the ankle of Mark 's injured leg . " So , Mark , " Dana asked . " What happened to your leg ? " Mark groaned in pain as Cindy bent his knee , pulling on the scar tissue that had built up around the bone . " That 's not all you got , is it Mrs . S ? This is our last time together . At least give me something to remember you by . " Cindy laughed . " Just getting warmed up . " She shook his leg by the ankle to loosen up the joint . She bent his knee once more . Mark 's face turned red , and he squeezed the ball so hard Dana thought it was on the verge of popping . " I 'm sorry to interrupt your questioning . I was hit by a car while riding my bike home from work two days before Christmas . Ooo ! Oo ! Uffta ! That 's what I 'm talking about , Mrs . S . Right now , I 'm sure you can tell by my chart thing there that I have a metric shitload of scar tissue in my knee right now , and it 's now your job to break it up . " " Well that 's not all , " Cindy said . " We have to get you back on your bike , right ? " " Exa - a - actly , " Mark said , grimacing in pain . He dropped the ball and Dana scrambled to pick it up for him . " Absolutely not ! " Mark laughed once the piercing bolt of pain shooting up his left side abated . " You only do that when I 'm talking so you can hear me scream , don 't you ? " " No - oh ! " Mark said . Cindy shook his leg , loosening the knee a little more . " One more time and we 're going to measure , you ready ? " " Give it to me . I can take it . " Cindy bent the leg until Mark groaned and bounced the bend causing the groan to crescendo loudly . Just then Estelle , the seventy - five year - old woman responsible for teaching the Norwegian exclamation " uffta " to Mark and the therapists , walked into the building . Cindy couldn 't really tell how she felt about the woman . She was mean , but she made up for it with her eccentric sense of humor . She and Mark got along very well from across the room . " That must be Mark . " Estelle called through the gym . " Hello , Estelle , " Mark said , catching his breath . " You 're up next . " " I like to think he just went home and drowned in the tub , " Mark joked . " I doubt it , but he must have been in a hurry to do something . He didn 't have time to stop apparently . " " He said ' What do you want me to do about it ? ' as if helping wasn 't an option . Of course he probably couldn 't remember what happened anyway . He took a week - long vacation and locked the case in his office so no one else could help me either . " " That 's horrible , " Dana said . Cindy agreed . She 'd heard the story a few times , but it still managed to stir her into a minor frenzy . That made bending Mark 's leg a little bit easier . " Yeah , " Mark said . " But I got these cool scars , and a badass story to tell . It could be worse . I could 've gotten hit by the car and died . Then I wouldn 't have anything to show for it . That would have fucked everything up . Sorry for swearing . " " Okay , " Cindy said . She lined the goniometer even with Mark 's leg , placing the pivot point on his knee . " On three . " Cindy counted down and the three of them strained to bend Mark 's knee farther than they had before . After a minute of groaning and heavy breathing they stopped . Cindy checked the measurement . " One oh six . " " Yeah ! " Mark shouted , exalted . " I knew we weren 't done with this . Well , Dana you are clearly my good luck charm . You have successfully been passed the torch , and for the remaining two weeks of my time here we 're going to have a lot of fun . " " Give me both , " Mark said . " Feeling good about myself . The painkillers are also starting to wear off , and I don 't want to feel any of that when they do . " Cindy walked to her office and returned with the electrolysis pads . She affixed them around Mark 's knee . I wish they 'd just make these easier , she thought . Can they not figure out how to combine these machines so one does ice and electricity ? There are too many wires . " I 'm just not happy here . The hours are stressful . The pay isn 't as good , and it 's hard for Jack to keep up momentum when he 's always on the run . New Orleans will give him a bigger pond to fish in . Besides , there 's no moving through the ranks here . We 're a mom - and - pop organization . I 'm as high as I can go here . At least there I 'll be at a great facility and can move up . There are hundreds of employees there to take up the slack . It 's a better place for me . " " I get it , " Mark said , massaging the side of his leg where the plate was drilled into the bone . " Although you could 've stopped after the first thing you said . Who cares why you 're moving if the place you 're moving from makes you unhappy , right ? Are you happy to be moving there ? And by that I mean are you just as happy to be moving there as you are moving away from here . I 'd hate to find out that you got out of the frying pan and into a different frying pan . " " No , talk about a gross city . That 's good , I can feel it . " Mark rubbed the ice pack on his leg . " Phoenix is clean , and there 's no beach . Almost no reason at all to go there . It 's everything Florida isn 't . What are you , twenty - six ? Twenty - seven ? " " Well I hope in six years I 'll be as happy as you . You have officially set the benchmark for me . I get to thirty and I 'm getting out of here . Goodbye , hometown . " He flicked his hand toward the ceiling as if sending out a preemptive wave . " Maybe I 'll stop by on my way out West . I 'm going to miss you , Mrs . S . " " Well , good luck , Mark . " She hugged him . Her heart fluttered . Mark had become her friend , and it was actually difficult to tell him goodbye . She was going to miss him , but the only thing that let her leave with a clear conscience is that she knew in two weeks he would have his last visit to the institute . He 'd be on his own again . Never coming back to the University Blvd . Physical Therapy Institute . " You stop screwing around on that bike , " she said . " I will come back here . " Cindy continued her rounds and helped Miss Estelle onto the stationary bike . She finished her day like every other normal day . And at the end , there was no party , no sentimental moment with her co - workers . Just a wave across the parking lot . That was enough for her , because in the morning she would be on her way out for good . That thought made her smile . Goodbye , hometown , she thought . Jack picked up the cordless phone and held it between his shoulder and ear as he continued making dinner . The movers had pulled out about fifteen minutes ago , and he wanted to surprise Cindy with dinner as well as an almost completely empty house . He answered the phone , wiping his still sweating face dry with his shirtsleeve . " Hey , " Jack said . His obvious preoccupation with dinner had seeped through the phone . " Whoa , " Tom said . " Cindy must be gone . You sound so boring . " " Thank you . " Jack said in a robotic monotone voice . " She 's coming home now . I 'm just getting dinner ready . Got something new for me ? " " Well , I hope so , " Jack answered . He perked up a little . Tom usually started the good deals this way . Why aren 't you as excited about this as me ? he would usually say . Because you haven 't told me anything yet , Tom , would typically be Jack 's answer . " I 'll need a backup plan if Cindy ever wises up and realizes she married a bum . " " Ha ! " Jack flinched at the sound of Tom 's voice peaking the speakers in the phone . " Are you on the toilet , Jack ? I just don 't want you to shit yourself . " " What 's the job , Tom ? " He allowed a little excitement to creep into his voice . The truth was , Tom Dwyer never got this excited about just anything . Jack was wondering the last time he was ever this excited . Tom had blown right by " Are you sitting down , well don 't because you 'll just stand right back up when you hear this , " and skipped directly to toilet humor . " Of course , you have , " Tom 's voice was coaxing , like a snake charmer . Come with me , Jackie boy . I have great news . Right this way . I 'll lead you to the truth . " Everything he does turns to diamonds lately . International bestseller . Two of his books have already been made into movies , and another is in pre - production as we speak . Fox picked it up as a summer series . He released a book of poetry a few years back and won the National Critics Butthole Award or something like that . I never read the shit . " " Good for him . " Jack repositioned the phone to stir the pasta . He was losing interest . " His mother must be very proud to know her son won the Butthole award . I bet she 's polishing that gold - plated anus trophy right now . She probably calls the neighbors . " " Right ? " Jack stopped stirring the various pots and skillets of food . He turned all the eyes on the stovetop to simmer . He was starting to believe this wasn 't just another cover . " Ah ha , I see I have the wiseass 's attention . Well you will be happy to know that your boy Tommy here is working for ya . I caught wind of his new project accidentally . That 's bullshit . Son of a Bitch Jennings at the firm left his laptop open when he went out to take a piss . Jennings was his agent until he got too big and Jennings didn 't have enough time for him . I guess they keep in touch still . I saw an email from McDermott pop up on his computer , talking about a serial graphic novel that has already been picked up with an advance by IDW . Said he thinks he found an artist . Said he likes his work , but he 's not totally committed to him yet . " " Yes shit , Jackie boy . I took a picture of the email with my phone and bippidy boppidy mother - fuckin boo ! Twenty minutes later I had him in the palm of my hand . I sent him your entire published portfolio . " " Now , I know you don 't like when I do that without permission , but trust me . This time is worth it . He didn 't want to wait . He wanted to see something right then . Plus , I didn 't send him anything you hadn 't sold or copywritten already . I 'm telling ya , I got your back . " " What 'd he say ? " Tom sounded disgusted . " Why would I be calling you if it was no ? Come on . Actually , what he said was , he had a guy in mind already , but he hadn 't committed to anything yet . He told me he loved what you do . The cover of " You take that back , " Tom joked . " He loved it . He thought your work was brilliant . And if all goes well , I 'll call it even . You had to work for the little dickhead but it may have gotten you a much better deal . See what I 'm saying . It 's all about paying dues , my friend . " " Well , that 's the only thing . Like I said , he already had a guy in mind . He 's going to float the idea to him , but it 's going to be sort of an audition process . You haven 't gotten the job yet , but you can get it . All he wants is the cover first . ' Oh , Tom , are you kidding ? ' No , I 'm not . I know this is all you ever do . Which is why I have the utmost confidence that you are going to hit this one out of the park . Nail it to the wall . " " That 's all he wants . Basically all you and this Trevor something has to do is wow him with the front . ' If it makes me want to work with them , it 'll make the readers want to pick it up and read it . ' His words , not mine . " " It 's called The King of Evil . " Tom brimmed with excitement . " And this is the part where you need to get to a toilet . I 'll wait . " " That 's where I live now . Right in the heart of Voodoo country . " " Exactly , " Tom said . Jack knew he had a lit cigarette and he was jabbing in the air to emphasize his words . Jack could almost smell the smoke from the Pall Malls through the phone . " And don 't think I didn 't bring that up to Mr . McDermott . Apparently years and years ago , before our time , the Voodoo King lived on an island where people would go as a rite of passage . If you can stare down the Voodoo King and not show fear , you win kind of thing . Something happened along the line that caused him to leave the island and go after people . Then after stealing her baby , a witch locked the King in a magic box and our protagonist stumbled upon it and let the Voodoo King out . Our protagonist … " Tom trailed off , scrolling through the email . " Robert Taylor is pitted against this wily King , who will not stop until he takes the heart of another , trapping them in the weird magic box . That 's all he 's giving either of you to work with . He just wants the cover . " " Actually I just replied to his email with that same question . I 'm waiting for the answer now . This is big though . Not only will you be getting to work with a great pre - established author , but they 're giving you a lump up front to complete the work . " " I have never , and will never , " Tom said with pride . " And that doesn 't include a split royalty deal with you and McDermott . You 're going to get paid , and you 'll see profit if the series does well for once . I can 't imagine his agent knows he 's telling people that . He 's probably going to be pissed if he finds out , so don 't say anything . Let me do the negotiating . Now did your boy show up for you , or did he show up for you ? " " He showed up big fucking time , " Jack said , remembering to stir the sauce and noodles before the house filled with smoke . " I 'm totally blown away right now . I don 't even know what to say . This is huge . " " I told him you were currently in the process of moving so he agreed to wait and let everything settle before asking for anything . He has another book he 's working on so he 's got time . He wants it by the fifth . That 's three weeks away . I figured that would give you enough time to walk around the city and get some ideas first . I 'll call you when he gets back to me . Oh , I got an email from a guy with an indie film . He wants you to do the poster . He 's still editing it , so it doesn 't have to be done for another month . I figure that could be a quick buck while you get unpacked . They 've already sent the pictures and credits . Just wants you to put it together . " Jack placed the phone back in its charging cradle . Jack stared down into the sauce bubbling in the pot . He didn 't know what to do . He touched his face to make sure he was awake . Cindy opened the front door then . Jack picked her up and laid her onto the air mattress on the living room floor without saying a word . It was the only thing left in the house . Jack kissed his wife , hoping to make her blush . He slid the scrubs off of her and tossed them on the floor . When they finished , and the house smelled like burnt Italian food , he told her about the conversation with Tom . They threw the pots and skillets into the garbage outside and ordered a pizza . When the delivery kid knocked on the door , Jack hurried off his wife and to the door , fumbling his clothes back in place . Jack gave the kid a thirteen - dollar tip , hoping he hadn 't noticed the teepee Jack was sporting . He slammed the door and went back to his wife on the deflating air mattress . When they finished , Jack apologized for burning the food . " I really wanted to cook for you tonight , " he told her . The next morning Jack and Cindy walked into Tom 's office in the center of town . The room was small and the mounted fish and small animals along the walls made it seem even smaller . Jack never asked him about his hunting career . Mostly out of a strong desire to never have a conversation about hunting . The closest Jack ever came to starting something was when he jumped at the one enormous moose head above Tom 's desk . Tom must be good . There seemed to be a new animal every time Jack walked into his office . The smell of Tom 's Pall Malls wafted up to him . Tom 's wet - looking hair pointed up in the front as usual , and he was swimming in his oversized suit behind his desk . Must be going around , Jack thought . Usually Jack thought he looked much younger , but now something had aged him to match reality . " The couple of the hour ! " Tom stood up and hugged Jack , nearly spilling the coffee in Jack 's hands on his suit , then Cindy . " Found it , " Jack inserted the flash drive and worked through the process of uploading the files onto it . Jack saw a folder marked " YearEndTaxes " and wondered briefly if that 's what he would find in his agent 's work computer . He managed to avoid opening the folder , wondering how many people on the planet had a folder that actually kept their yearend taxes . " Mind if I see what they sent ? " " I just want to wait before I do , " Jack told him . Cindy slid her hand across her husband 's shoulders . " Not because it may not happen , but so I can let it all out at once when it does . That way I can be fully excited when we get the job . " " You see , " Tom said to Cindy . " This why I can 't have people sitting there . " " Cin , can you take out your phone and text me this information . " Jack said . He was clicking through the emails in Tom 's account looking for the thread from Joe . " It should just be his name and some numbers behind it , " Tom said . " I 'm still in today 's emails ? Jesus , how many do you get a day ? " " Like three , I don 't know . You 're not my only client . " Tom leaned beside him . Jack handed him the mouse , and within seconds Tom found the thread . " There it is . " " Okay , " Jack said and started reading . Cindy came up on the other side of him and leaned on the armrest . " Well he didn 't give much . Are you cc 'd from the other agent , too ? " Jack found a name , Googled it , and came up with his competition . Trevor something was in fact very good , but there was a glaring advantage Jack held over him . Unless he was mistaken , there wasn 't a very active Voodoo scene in Montana , and that meant good news for Jack . He was certain that Trevor Jones had the same access to a computer and therefore the Internet , but he was probably nowhere near a place that knew the history of Voodoo the way Jack was . " This is a big deal , babe , " Jack said , suddenly realizing that everyone in this room counted on Jack to get this job . The pressure set in , creating a nice cushion of anxiety in the pit of his stomach . Jack sipped the coffee he brought with him , and the feeling faded . " You 're going to kill it . " " From what I can tell , " Tom began . " It seems like neither of you are overly familiar with the genre . Luckily you can get that way . " Jack clicked the boldfaced font in the new message box . Two sentences were typed on the white box of the message . One complete . One fragment . " Absolutely not , " Jack read . " That 's what they 're here for . " " We couldn 't either , " Tom said . He wasn 't married yet so he didn 't understand all the " we " talk Cindy and Jack made . They were cute , but it was a little off to him . Numerous times he wondered if Jack ever said " we " had this patient the other day with his leg turned all the way around backwards . There were times when they 'd lose a bid for a job , and she start in with the " we " talk . Tom always wanted to ask what she had actually done to move the project along . He never did , of course . Cindy was his favorite artist 's spouse . She was smarter than all of them combined . She was smarter than most people combined . Most of Tom 's clients were women , and more times than he would like he got a visit or a call from a jealous husband wanting to know where his wife was - often times in the backyard tanning - or when the check was going to be deposited into their account . Cindy was a rare spouse that didn 't really care until everything was over , and she could cheer on her husband 's triumphs . " Reply back , ' Great , we 'll see you on the fifth . ' And , I don 't know , XOXO , hugs and kisses , whatever seems appropriate . " " Please . " " Hopefully , you won 't have to meet him with Trevor there , too , " Cindy said . " That would be incredibly awkward . ' Hello I 'm the man who 's going to take money out of your pocket and food out of your family 's mouth . ' That 's psychotic . " " No , " Tom said . " I 'm pretty sure it 's just him and his agent with you and your agent . It happens all the time . I 've just never been a part of it . " Jack ejected the flash drive and dropped it into his pocket . " I now have everything . Send me an email if you need anything from me . I 'll have the Internet at home soon . Or around then . " Tom awkwardly shook Jack 's hand too hard and escorted him and Cindy out of the office . " Send me your address so I can pick you up on the way to the airport . " |
Parley Oviatt was born in Farmington , Utah , August 31 , 1877 . He was the sixth child in a family of 10 children . His parents - Dee Oviatt and Josephine Workman - were pioneers who had crossed the plains , married and settled in Farmington , Utah . Parley 's father was a blacksmith and had a shop in Farmington . No doubt he was very busy and often the young boys in the family had to help pump the bellows to keep the fire going and the coals hot . Among the regular jobs a blacksmith had to do was one that ParI thought was great fun to watch . It was shoeing the oxen . In front of the shop was a hoist made out of logs and canvas . This " oxen stock " was much like a four - poster bed . The oxen stood in the middle and a great big strap went under their belly to lift them up for the shoeing process , for oxen cannot balance on three feet like a horse . Alongside this frame was a " windlass " - a thing shaped like a ship 's wheel , which was cranked to raise the bellyband and thus lift the oxen off the ground . The oxen shoes were shoes quite different from the horseshoes . Oxen have cleft feet and so their shoes were shaped like two small crescents for each hoof . If you visited Farmington , Utah today , you could still see many old rock and brick buildings that would have been used when Parley was a young boy . The old church where they probably went to Primary in - the one in which Aurelia S . Rogers organized the Primary just two years after Parl was born . There is even an old flourmill , which is now a restaurant . Parl 's parent 's home was made of brick and rock and had five rooms . It was built in a side hill with a basement under part of the house . In the corner of the basement was a natural spring and water was piped to the barn that was built further down the hill . " Our basement was on , of my first recollections because me and my brother Parley , were locked up in it one day as punishment . After plugging up the pipe where the water ran out with mother 's dirty clothes , we found her wooden tub and went sailing around . I remember another day being locked in the granary with my brother Parley . This time we found some sleigh bells , strapped them around us and we had a wonderful time playing horse . " Parl 's parents died when he was small , his mother died about six months before his father . His mother died from a scald or burn and his father died from " inflammation of the bowels " . With their parents gone , the children were scattered among relatives to be taken care of . Parley and Jack were taken to San Pete , Utah to live with one , of their father 's brothers , Uncle Henry Oviatt and then to live with a cousin , Delbert Oviatt , uncle Henry 's son . " . . . along with the help of an older boy , whose father had a store , we provisioned ourselves with a pair of blankets , two loaves of bread and a bit of money . A short distance from town we found a gentle team of horses , used our suspenders for ropes , climbed on the horses and rode them for about 15 miles , then turned them loose and walked into Price , Utah , a freighting station at that time . Here we found some men around a campfire . We joined them , and then when they had retired we crawled into a secluded spot and rolled up in our blankets . Next morning we ate the remaining loaf of bread for our breakfast . The other boys wanted to crawl into a boxcar and go on the train , but I rebelled , so we walked along the railway tracks the second day . That night we found a place to sleep some bushes . We had used our money to buy some bread and meat . The third day we continued our walk . In the evening , we saw a lighted house . We were so tired and hungry that we went to it and asked for lodging . This man owned a sheep ranch . They took us in giving us supper and a bed . I do not remember what we had for supper , but I do remember how glad I was to get to sleep in a good bed . Next morning , the man told us that the sheriff had been there looking for us so we had better go home . The lady made us a good lunch and gave us another blanket . The merchant 's boy and I went home again , but Parley stayed and was hired to help with the sheep . Here he lived for two years . I guess I just sneaked in home because no one seemed to have missed me . I was not punished . " Thanks to the Mary and Jack Oviatt Family and their children for sharing their family history with us and giving us these insights into the early life of Parley Oviatt . The research on Shoeing the Oxen was done by Catherine Oviatt Hudson ( January 11 , 1928 ) at the Provincial Museum Archives . Edmonton . Alberta . Much of the text , including the incidents told in Uncle Jack 's words come , from " The Life Story of John Frederick Oviatt , Our Memories " by Mary and Jack Oviatt . Christmas 1957 . Whenever Mom and Dad went into town shopping or to Relief Society or anywhere they had about eight children they had to leave at home and of course , the older ones were supposed to take care of the younger ones . They went to town one day and left Ralph and Dee - I can 't remember Leland being there - but there was Mattie and me ( Stella ) and Lillian who was the baby then . Now if they were gone very long we had a hard time thinking of things to do to keep us interested . Some of us would go out and jump off the coal shed , others would climb on the hill and come down on the wheels from the buggy . You had to perch on the axel with the two wheels and that was a really hard thing to do . Sometimes you would go around with the wheels underneath . We were doing that one time and we saw smoke coming out of the kitchen . We all ran back , Ralph leading all of us . Dee wasn 't with us . He had stayed in the house . Ralph called to Dee , " What are you doing Dee ? " And Dee replied , " Oh I just started a little fire here . " Looking up we saw flames all up one side of where the little wood box was in the kitchen . He had taken a little piece of paper and put it up under the grate and when it wouldn 't go out , he decided to throw it in the wood box . It had set the whole wood box on fire ! Lillian was the baby and she was sitting in a high chair not far from the wood box and all around her were flames . We ran in , never thinking to take her out . We started screaming and crying . Mom and Dad were coming up the road by Smiths , which was almost straight east . They saw the flames coming out of the kitchen . They whipped the horses up and sure came flying ! Other neighbors had seen the fire and they came dashing over on horseback and in buggies . They were climbing on the roof and pouring water down and taking axes and breaking into the roof to get the fire that was in between . I remember them trying to pump the water faster , and you could only pump it so fast . They used all the water in the trough , and finally got it out . When we stopped to check how badly burned Lillian was , there was just a little tiny scorch up the back of her nightgown . How she was ever saved , I 'll never know . ( Stella ) We were living on the farm east of Stavely in the 191O 's and 2O 's . It was really an exciting time . I don 't think times are as exciting now as they were then because there were always visits from Buffalo Bill and wandering cowboys and tramps . My Mother and Dad never turned anyone away from the door . It didn 't matter what they wore or what they looked like , if they were hungry , they were fed . One time a man came to the door and Mom and Dad fed him along with their own 12 children . In a big family like that you doled out your dishes of dessert evenly . The day this man came , I ( Stella ) had been sent from the table . Mother was very , very careful about our manners . If we didn 't say please and thank you , or if we talked out of turn , we were sent from the table . And I got sent from the table without my rice pudding ! Meanwhile the tramp came along and Mom and Dad fed him and they gave him my rice pudding . And it had raisins in it too . He ate and then he thanked Mom and Dad and left . We ran outside to see which way he had gone and he was nowhere in sight . And of course , in level country like that you could see people coming and going for miles . There was always a lot of speculation that maybe he was one of the Three Nephites who had come to pay us a visit . On Sunday afternoons we would go down in our Democrat - all of us piled into it to see the Indians , who would have kind of a rodeo on the flats near where we have our family reunion . The Indians would ride and boys would bicker for ponies . The Indians would sing beautifully . There were a lot of things to entertain us . The little Indian children weren 't very modest and they would come and sit in the middle of the field and Mother would be so shocked because she was very prim . ( I remember I said I had a bellyache once and she made me go into the bedroom and stay until I learned to say stomachache because no lady would say belly . ) The Indians really liked the white people . One Sunday we were down watching this rodeo in the flats near Willow Creek . We were all sitting in the buggy up quite high and right beside a teepee . An Indian lady came out and she had a tiny new baby . We were all excited to see the little baby . But we had a little baby too . We had Donna and she was a pretty little thing , very white . Dad said , " We 'll trade with you . " The woman was delighted . She grabbed Donna and went into the teepee . Mother and the kids all started crying . We thought we 'd never get the baby back . All the little girls were crying , " We want our baby sister back ! " Dad went into the teepee and said that we really didn 't want to trade . We wanted to keep our baby . On his return , we all settled down . Donna must have had a keen memory about that because she was always afraid , after that , of anyone with a big hat that resembled the Indians . Sunday was a real quiet time for us . Dad and Mom had a lot of church books with stories about the pioneers . We really enjoyed them . We were expected to read and not carouse around on Sunday . Although we did go to those rodeos . Lillian says , however , that the rodeos weren 't on Sunday , but that on Sunday we used to go to hear the Indians sing as they stopped over on their way back from the Calgary Stampede . They didn 't believe in traveling on Sunday . Some Sundays the Gypsies who traveled around the country then would stop in and ask Mom and Dad for milk . They would always try to tell our fortunes . They would tell Mom to go and get a real clear glass of water . She always had to put a silver piece in the bottom and cover it with a linen handkerchief . Then the gypsy would look through it and say , " Now you all must be very quiet so I can concentrate . " She would pretend to tell our fortunes . Meanwhile their children would be in the chicken coop . We 'd hear a noisy fluttering out there . When Dad smartened up , he realized they were stealing chickens and stuffing them in their gunnysacks . Dad would always give them one or two anyway . I remember talking with Mom about whether they really could tell fortunes , and she said " I think they can because my aunt used to tell us kids to write notes to each other and fold them very small , and then she 'd hold them up against our foreheads and she could read every line that was on them . If the pioneers lost their horses or their cows , she would take a glass of water and look through it and she could tell where they were . I think that was Aunt Turey ( Keturah ) , she spoke of . Aunt Turey also smoked a pipe ! I ( Lillian ) remember Grandma Simpson coming . I always thought Grandma was so cranky and I hoped that I 'd never be a cranky old grandma like she was . But it was always exciting when she came . And she always made sure we had such good manners . Well , when you get twelve children around a table you can imagine what kind of manners you have . Especially when there was only one serving of everything for everyone . I remember she used to always get a second serving and she would reach for it and say , " Excuse an old lady for reaching . " It was always fun , too , to have Dad 's relatives come . That was Uncle Frank - Aunt Lucy had died - and there were two boys and one girl , Little Frank , Joel and Josephine . We used to climb on Little Frank 's knee and thought we were feeding him paper . He 'd always pretend to have a mouthful of paper and swallow it , while he really had it hidden somewhere behind . We thought he was the most wonderful person in the world because he could eat paper . He taught us how to spell ' woodpecker ' . WE - E - O - EDDLY - WOOD - C - E - OCK - EEDLY - PECK - ECK - OCKER . We thought he was so funny . We just loved him . ( Lillian ) It was a lot different when we were growing up on the farm because we didn 't have a T . V . or radio to entertain us . But the older folks would sit around and talk late into the night and tell things that had happened to them . I ( Stella ) remember Dad telling a story about when he and Uncle Frank went out hunting for moose . They would go out in the Fall to get meat and bring it home and dress it . I remember their dream was to get a moose with a nice hide to make a real nice rug for the floor . Mom wasn 't too fussy about that . She didn 't like the wild meat , too much , but Dad and Uncle Frank used to go back on the Livingstone range to hunt for moose . One Fall they went back and a big storm came up and they had to seek shelter . Dad remembered there was a cabin back there . I think they called it Streeters cabin . He and Uncle Frank went back to this cabin and bedded down for the night . The door had been broken off so they leaned the door against the opening and crawled into two bunk beds that were built with a partition just big enough for the beds . On the other side of the partition was a huge stone fireplace . Uncle Frank slept on the inside of the bed and Dad on the front . They were pretty tired and it was cold and blizzarding out . In the middle of the night Dad heard music . He thought that was strange . There was no way to have music in a cabin so far from civilization . He saw a funny light so he looked around the partition and there in front of the fireplace was a woman with her three children playing their violins . He was spellbound because they played and then they put their violins in the cases and turned around , lifted the door off the opening and went out . Then they put the door back just as he and Uncle Frank had left it . Dad shook himself , thinking it was a dream and tried to sleep , but the same thing happened two more times . Finally Dad woke Uncle Frank and told him he wouldn 't stay in the cabin any longer . The storm had subsided somewhat so they headed back down the trail . On the way they met the ranger who commented on the storm and asked them where they had stayed the night . Dad described the cabin and the ranger said that the previous forest ranger had lived in that cabin . Then he told them this story : " The previous ranger stayed there one winter with his wife and three children . But they ran out of supplies and he had to go into MacLeod to get them leaving his wife and children there . While he was gone a snow slide occurred which completely covered the cabin . It was so deep they couldn 't dig it out . They had to wait until spring . When the thaw came , he went up to find the bodies . He found them around the fireplace with their musical instruments in their hands . They had suffocated but the mother had kept them playing their violins until the last breath had gone from them and they died around the fireplace . " Mom and Dad made quite a few trips by covered wagon from their home places in the States up to Southern Alberta . One time they came up and mother was expecting one of the children . They were bringing up a cow that was tied behind the wagon and there was a heavy , heavy rain . Now Dad 's father and mother died when he was quite young , and from what I ( Stella ) remember him saying , he was shuttled around between his aunts . But one of his aunts - I 'm not sure which one it was - had more or less fostered him . I think he had a special feeling for her and she for him because he was a little orphan boy . Anyway , Mom and Dad went to bed in the hotel and in the night this aunt who had died quite a few years before appeared to him and said , " ParI , take your wife and leave the hotel . " Dad thought he was just over - tired and was imagining things . But she came three times in the night . Finally he got up and woke Mother . Mother was so skeptical and said she thought he was just tired , and she really didn 't want to go out in the rain and cold . You can imagine how frustrating it would be to leave the warm hotel and climb back up the hill to crawl into clammy bed sheets , but they did . They got up and wandered back up the lane to where their wagon was and they got into bed . In the morning when they got up and looked down to where the hotel was , it had burned to the ground . The little farm house where most of the Oviatt children were born , stands out very clearly in my mind and even now , as I go past it on the frequent excursions we make to Willow Creek Provincial Park , I fancy I can hear the excited shouts as one or the other of my brothers came down the hill on the two front wheels and axle of the two seater buggy . We girls looked on in awe at their daring . That hill really looked huge but as I see it now , it looks little more than a slight rise in the field . The house itself was a typical homestead , though we had only two small bedrooms , we did have a dining room . Real luxury for a farm home at that time . Can you imagine 12 children and the mom and dad bedding down in comfort in such small quarters ? The baby usually slept with Mom and Dad . Six girls , three at the top and three at the bottom on the davenport in the , living room and five , boys in bunk beds in the 6 ' x 8 ' bedroom . What ever else such cramped quarters offered we were at least warm . Often too much so . There came a season when the school teacher boarded with us . An impossibility you might say for even one more to squeeze in . However , by that time , my Dad had moved a small building from a farm across the way that , after Mother scrubbed it from top to toe with lye water , became the bunkhouse where the boys slept . The beds were not much more than shelves on which were laid straw ticks made of flour bags . It was the younger children 's job to tote it out to the field and replace the straw once a month . Then Fredrick Ethelbert Louis Priestley moved in . The novelty was too great for the kids and the poor man was harassed beyond reason , the younger ones banging on his window when he tried to study and the older ones planning some hanky - panky to befuddle a green English boy not more than 18 - 19 years old . He was a brilliant young chap . ( I have learned since that he has written and published a number of books . ) First he was put on a horse and given a good size grain bag . Then they stationed him at one dark corner of the field beside a small slough . The boys told him to tie his horse some 300 yards away and crouch down holding the bag open while they went around the lake and chased the snipes around into the bag . The plan was to slip back and get his horse and go home leaving him afoot to stand guard in anticipation all night . In spite of the fact that it was edging on to daylight ( around 4 " 30 a . m . ) before he wisened up and hiked home to find the boys home and asleep I can 't remember him ever becoming angry . Even when the boys switched his horse for a really stubborn work horse who unless you had a strong hold on the bridle would turn and bolt into the barn knocking you off . That was " Old Nuts " called that because he was seemingly very stupid . As Kenneth , Ralph and Leland got older . They scouted the hills and mountains west of us for wild horses . These horses were theirs if they had no brands on them and many an exciting Saturday afternoon was spent breaking them for domestic use . Some not so easily trained were sold to the local rodeo organizers to be used for exhibition wild horse breaking . Now the girls in the family were not to be outdone by the bronco breaking of their brothers . So it was that one afternoon Lillian and Lou and Dolena decided to practice their riding skills by riding the pigs . At one such time , Lou had managed to stay on across the pigpen only to end up in the swill trough when the pig decided to go under the fence and get away . Mom and Dad went away once . Kenneth , Ralph and Leland were away also . Stella and Parley and I thought it would be fun to get up and milk the cow , at 3 o ' clock in the morning . It was a beautiful moonlight night . We wondered why we didn 't get very much milk . We gave the chickens too much wheat and they stopped laying . Some of us boys went to school early one day . We thought we would playa joke on our teacher . We put 2 live mice under the bell . When she picked up the bell and saw the mice she was very upset . When she found out who did it she kept us in for 2 weeks and she made us write sentences on the blackboard . I don 't think my folks ever missed Sunday School or Sacrament . I can never remember them staying home , winter or summer . If no horses were available , we walked the mile and a half in rain , shine or snow . How my mother ever kept all of her family in neat starched dress and white shirts I could never figure out and when Easter comes I really find myself amazed when I think how we all had new Easter bonnets . I remember the last one I had at Pine Coulee . It was a beautiful white panama . Around the crown was a 1 inch wide black velvet ribbon that hung down my back and fluttered in the wind . On the front , sewn to the ribbon was a tiny little nosegay of flowers . How proud I was of it . We took really good care of our hats . They were all stacked in a flour bag on mother 's shelf along with the two layers of wedding cake , long since dried and hard ( and which we often climbed on the foot of mom 's bedstead and broke off a piece of it to chew on for hours ) . This was a stolen treat because mom would never have let us have it ; it was so old and stale . When conference time came , we would all get dressed up with our Easter hats on , and bowls of baked beans , fried chicken and potato salad stored in under the buggy seats and off we 'd all go . Our stake visitors traveled from Cardston ( we were in the Alberta Stake then ) all the way up to Stavely , Pine Coulee , by horse and buggy . That was a long drive and made a long day , but as soon as the reports and conference was over , the long tables were set up with all kinds of food . Sister Lucas 's chocolate cake was the most sought after treat and big bowls of jell - o with whipped cream were such a rare delight . President Hugh Brown , Brother Cahoon , Brother Jacobs , and President Wood were visitors at times . How well I remember the stories Brother Brown used to tell when it was his turn to talk to us . After listening to Brother Nunham Stanford most of the year , Hugh B . Brown was a rare treat . As I think now of Brother Stanford 's talks in Sacrament meetings , I often wonder if we younger children weren 't more terrorized by the vigorous and vehement way he spoke , by his pounding on the pulpit , than we were of the fire and damnation of which he preached ( shouted ) . But Brother Brown must have been blessed with the rare gift of speaking in parables because many of his stories which were so interesting then come back to me now and I find tucked into the phrases a timely lesson or a message encouraging me to try harder . " The Little Train That Tho 't He Could and Did " was one of my favorites . Through the years I often use some of his stories in trying to explain a particular point in a lesson . The one that has most often come to my mind is this one : " Two friends were walking in the summer sunshine one afternoon . So engrossed were they in their conversation that before they realized it they had entered a field occupied by a very belligerent bull . He had seen them and wasted no time letting them know how much he objected to their intrusion . Too late to get to the other side of the fence , one man climbed quickly up a tree , but his friend wasn 't so lucky and barely made it into a crevice in the hillside . The bull snorted and pawed and glared at them and would lose interest and ignore them until the fellow in the hole kept bobbing his head up further antagonizing the bull . The minutes dragged and the man in the tree spoke up in frustration . " Come on , " he said , " This is no time for games . I am sure if you 'd keep down in the cave out of sight this bull would soon tire of watching you and wander off . " " Well , my friend , " he was told , " it 's all very well for you to talk . You 're pretty comfortable up there where you are . I am getting hungry and tired too , and would sure like to get home before dark , but you may as well know that there is a bear down this hole ! " Everybody at school really thought we were funny because when the teacher played " God Save The King " , we would always sing " My Country ' Tis of Thee " . Mother dearly loved the American songs and so she taught us the American anthem long before we ever realized we had a " King " . Many times there would be tears in her eyes as she sang with us . Idaho was a very long ways away when you thought of traveling by horse and buggy . Every fall mom would get a letter from Grandma Grover Simpson saying she was sending us some dried apples and apricots . " You must go right down to the ' depot ' and see if anything has arrived for us yet , " she would say . So of course , we , Mattie and I , started out . Where the ' depot ' was we hadn 't the slightest idea . Obviously the thing to do was ask someone , but no one had ever heard of it . We would be asked what we needed to go there for . After explaining that we were to pick up a parcel from our Grandma in the States , we would be directed to the train station or freight office . Usually there would be two big cotton flour bags full of dried apples and / or apricots and a large cardboard carton too big for two little girls to carry so we 'd have to go and get the older boys to bring the little wagon . Of course , the box would contain clothes and flour bags and shoes , which we girls would vie with each other to see who would get what . Being the oldest girl , most often I could have the shoes with high heels and pointed toes . And I would squeeze my bigger feet into them even if they did hurt a lot . I must have made quite a spectacle - a little scrawny girl of eight or nine , with straggly blonde hair and freckled face in shoes meant for a young woman of much more maturity , but I really thought I was something to behold . It wouldn 't be long till we all had new pantywaists and panties made from the flour bags . Sometimes the brand of flour was obvious in print on the seat of our pants . The pants themselves were really something else again made with long stovepipe legs with elastic around the bottom and buttoned onto a vest . Mother spent many hours teaching us to work the buttonholes . You can imagine how embarrassing it was when a button came off at school and one side would drag way down below our knees . Fortunately , our dresses were worn almost to our ankles . The hard thing was to find the button that had come off , as they were really scarce . Going to town to shop about 6 - 7 miles away , or to Relief Society often made it necessary for me as the oldest girl to watch the younger children . Sometimes the baby would fall asleep , then Mickey , Mattie , Lou , Dolena and I would go out to the farmyard and tease the old ram ( sheep ) so he would chase us but we would run and fall into the manger leaving him very frustrated . When we tired of that we would climb on the coal shed and jump off the 6 - 8 foot roof . We could see up the road to town from the top and watched for the bugging coming bring our folks home . Once we forgot to check on the sleeping baby . When we finally remembered and rushed in to see him , we found he had awakened and crawled from his single cot in the dining room to the kitchen . I think one of the saddest experiences I had on the farm was butchering time . Having such a small house , most of our waking time was spent outside when the weather permitted . Hence we were very friendly to the animals around the farm . With most of the farm boys it was an exciting time because they would compete to see who would get the bladder for a football . The girls , of course , didn 't bother because they had clothes pegs to play with . Each one became a member of their play family , and we drew faces on them . It didn 't matter to us that they had no arms or hair . They were so exciting and beautiful . I can 't remember when clothes ' pegs ' went out and clothes ' pins ' came in but it must have been a hard blow to those of us who enjoyed playing house with them . After the harvest was over the older boys in the family were hard - pressed to find activities in the small community of Pine Coulee for fun . Occasionally one or the other of the neighbors would move the furniture out of one bedroom and there was always someone to play the violin while teenagers would dance and the older folks would play parlor games together in tl1e living room ( parlor ) . Arthur Hayes played sometimes . When Halloween came Aunt Mary and Uncle Jack came over with their family and we younger ones would pop corn and play Hide and Seek , Run Sheep Run , and other outdoor games around the now empty fields with their haystacks , but the older boys who were fortunate enough to have a horse to ride went over the country side playing tricks on the farmer 's around . It wasn 't unusual to find your buggy or wagon precariously perched on the top of a barn or school roof or your outhouses tipped over . On one occasion , Kenneth , my older brother , and his friends roamed around and chanced on a group of horses pasturing not far from our farm . They took their pocketknives and stripped the horses of all the hair off their tails . October was most generally a pretty cold month and it was with a great deal of consternation that my dad learned the next morning of the episode and that many of the horses had had their tails frozen . Of course , the farmers were pretty upset because the horses really suffered . Although it was often necessary to shorten the length of their tails in the spring and it was a real race to see who could make the most money by acquiring grain bags full of the hair to sell it along with the accumulation of gopher tails ( for which there was a whole nickel bounty paid ) . They weren 't allowed to collect on this particular bag of horsehair though ' and had to pay some of their hard earned harvest wages to compensate . I was born in Pine Coulee and was very spoiled by my Aunt Mary and Aunt Mattie . Aunt Mary took me home with her quite often because by this time she only had boys - Clifford , Delmar and Conrad , then Lila , so I had pretty hair ribbons and lots of things my older sister didn 't . Wouldn 't that make you upset too ? Our life on the farm about 6 miles west of the small town of Stavely was filled with many good experiences . Our grandmother Simpson sent boxes of dried apples and other things , also clothes to be made over for us from St . Anthony , Idaho . We sure had fun dressing up in these clothes before Mother got them made over . We were very fortunate to have good parents - lots of loving . Our father always brought us something from town such as pencils which he cut up and sharpened , so we would each have one and erasers and crayons . It kept him very busy keeping us in running shoes and plenty to eat . In fall he 'd buy apples , which came into town by the carload . We had plenty of vegetables and meat and good substantial food . Our Dad had a favorite rose patch up over the hill . He would take us up there almost everyday and we 'd carry water to put on them and always he 'd pick a few to take to Mom . Quite often as children we would go down to Campbell 's ' , a quarter mile west of the farm to play , with instructions to come home in a half or three - quarters of an hour . One time Mrs . Campbell hadn 't her baking done yet . She always had cookies for us . When it was time to go home , my sister , Lillian said , " I 'll go home if you 'll give me some cookies . " I couldn 't say Lillian so I always called her baby . I was so embarrassed and told her I would tell Mom and she wouldn 't ever be able to come and play . Mrs . Campbell hurried and got some in the oven and we went happily on our way . In Claresholm we had a five - roomed house . We girls - 7 of us - had to share a room . We slept 3 at the top of each bed and we really had many fun times telling ghost stories and sharing each others clothes and troubles . I guess that 's why we are all very concerned about each others welfare still . Mother also gave us many tasks , namely , I was to bake bread while she went to Calgary by train to visit Stella . This was one of her few pleasures . She told me to see that the break got baked . I kept putting it off and didn 't start until night and left it to rise overnight . Needless to say it was all over the table and floor come morning . We girls used to get to go on the train , then miles to Stavely sometimes . I once found a wristwatch under the seat ahead and was very thrilled as I had prayed so hard for one . I cared for it very closely and told Mother . She told me to take it to the Post Office and they would put a sign up and if no one claimed it , I could have it . It must have been about a few days later when a lady came and claimed it and asked Mother what I wanted most . Mother said that I had been saving for a watch . She gave me exactly the amount I needed - seven dollars . I got a watch , also an answer to my prayers . Many , many times through being honest and prayerful I was compensated and I gained a strong testimony . I never have doubted that the gospel is true for which I am indeed very grateful . I thank my Father in Heaven every night for comforts of life and answers to my prayers . I think we are some of the most fortunate people in that memories of our childhood are all pleasant - except the death of my father when I was 11 . But remembering him , I am reminded of a happy , affectionate and attentive father . And mom , while not having much time for affection and personal attentiveness , what with 12 children and a husband to care for , was a meticulous housekeeper - considering what she had and a miracle worker to provide food for such a gang . I do not remember every being hungry or neglected and in those days there wasn 't the glamorous " pre - packaged " , packed with vitamins " food nor ready made cereals , washed rice and beans and the multitude of other prepared foods we enjoy today . Everything but the bare staples was produced on the farm - a rocky half - section of land farmed with a one - horse plow and ancient " Machinery " . I think some of the most pleasant memories were associated with the visits to and from neighbors and friends and relatives . Particularly with Aunt Mary and Uncle Jack 's family , who numbered 11 , almost one for each of ours . Conrad and Ellis , two of their boys my age went together like " bread and butter " to me . We were such good friends . But then it was fun to play with all members of the family . We would stay at their place whenever mom made her infrequent visits " home " to the States . There must have been at least 8 extras for Aunt Mary , because there were 7 girls and 5 boys in our family . I think the older boys would stay home and do chores while we 8 younger one would go to Uncle Jacks . Now where would you put 19 kids and 2 adults to sleep if you were to have " company " for a week ? Well , there was a four - room house , a granary , a hayloft and a shed . I think the favorite place was the shed . This was a three - sided lean - to sometimes used for storing harnesses and maybe the Democrat - our " Rolls Royce " in those days , and where the chickens used to roost occasionally . Have you ever slept with a cow ? Well , the shed being the favorite sleeping place , ' cause it was almost like sleeping outside , was also visited by a wandering cow during the night , who might pass on by , or might just lay down a few feet from the foot of our bed . Of course , we slept on the ground . What on - I don 't recall , but I remember waking during the night terrified at the dark outline of a cow laying or standing nearby . But I would snuggle down under my covers , head and all . Preferring to suffocate rather than brave what terrors of what might befall me in the dark between the shed and the house if I were to run to the house . Not only did our parents feed large families , but often in those days , there were men roaming the countryside , some for excitement , others looking for work , whom we always labeled tramps . These men were never turned away from our doors but were always given food and a bed if necessary . I remember one of these occasions while visiting at Uncle Jacks . We girls , Dolena , Lou and myself , at least , as well as the cousins , Marie and Lila were permitted to sit at the big dining table with the adults for dinner this particular day . I remember we had fresh peas from the garden . Marie was sitting next to the tramp , who had been invited to stay for dinner . When he served himself to the peas , one pea fell off the spoon and rolled past Marie . The tramp turned to her and said , " Madam , would you please hand me that pea . " " Madam " who was only about 8 years old seriously handed him the pea while the rest of us giggled and tittered while the adults continued their conversation uninterrupted by this little sideplay . I suppose to many our lives were dull and unexciting , but to us life was happy , secure and safe . Then there were the house parties , Christmas concerts and Conferences of The Church where everyone gathered at the little schoolhouse - the center of our activities . Always the excitement of the years was the annual Christmas concert . School kids practiced for weeks the drills , plays and recitations that were presented on the program and in which almost every member of the community participated . I was a candy cane in a drill once , for which my teacher had made me a candy cane costume , of which I was so proud . Not only that , there were two recitations I was privileged to given on different programs , " Little Dominique " and " Circumstances After Cases " and which dad had me recite everytime we had company . Santa Claus came too and every child received a gift , which was handed out by Santa Claus . Conferences of our small branch of The Church were exciting times too . People came from far and near and the little schoolhouse was packed to eat the mounds of food prepared for all and to hear the sermons delivered by local and visiting brethren , such as Hugh B . Brown and E . J . Wood who would often talk just to the children telling us stories which I am sure shaped and influenced our lives . Stories such as " The Little Train That Thought He Could " , " The Roses Being Pruned " , and " The Men and The Bull and Bear " . There were also the sermons pounded out by Nunham Stanford , whose preaching and emphatic pounding of the pulpit left many subdued and repentant for a few days . Behind our farm was a big hill ( at least it was big to me at that age ) where lots of our fun activities took place . In winter we would slide down it on the scoop shovel - our only sleigh - and in the summer we picked the beautiful wild flowers and looked for pretty rocks , which dotted the ground . I even had one small business venture with these rocks . To me they were beautiful , some shift and marbled , others red , purple and blue . I gathered a jam pail full one time and sold them to a visiting child for a dime . For a while I was rich till Dad found out and made me give back the money . I guess he could see no use in families trading rocks . He probably remembered the hours and hard work of clearing the land of these pesky things , which were certainly plentiful . Mom and Dad were some of the earliest pioneers of the time , having come from Utah in about 1901 with one small baby . Not only did they pioneer the Pine Coulee District , but were stalwart members of The Church and helped to form the Pine Coulee Branch of The Church there . They were some of its earliest leaders and teachers along with the Browns , Lucas ' , Stanford 's , Smiths and Jones ' . Life wasn 't easy for these early pioneers for they did not enjoy any of the comforts of life , which we take for granted today . We did have a well though with a hand pump - later by a small engine - which pumped hard alkali water . It was carried in and out after use by hand in big water pails . I remember that little black engine that pumped our water . It was housed just inside the pump house , which had many uses - garage , workshop and washhouse . The engine had a wide belt , which the men often lifted onto a wide shaft while the engine was running . The belt went out a small square hole in the side of the shed and onto a bigger wheel attached to the pump over the watering trough - which we kids sometimes used as a wading pool - green moss notwithstanding . One day when I was about 4 years old and Parley 5 , we decided to run away from home . We only got as far as the Coulee when Frank Rodgers , a neighbor , came along and asked us where we were going . When we told him , we said we better go back home with him . When we resisted , he picked us up kicking and screaming and put us in his buggy and held onto us while he drove the horses back home . He is a Temple worker and I see him occasionally . He always reminds me of the time we ran away from home . I never held any hard feelings towards him though . Our house was a small frame house with two bedrooms ( the boys slept in the bunkhouse ) . For some reason , it was always catching on fire where the chimney went up through the ceiling above the kitchen stove . On these occasions , we smaller children were always carried outside and sat in the middle of the yard and told to stay put . Then everyone else grabbed a milk pail and formed a bucket brigade between the pump house and the back door . What a mess ! And poor Mom , I suppose she had to clean up the mess . It was at this same pump house that Mattie was milking I the cow one evening and the billygoat took after her . Mom ran in to save her and the goat took after Mom . Then someone tried to save them both and the billygoat took after them . Lots of excitement , but of course , no movie camera . I went to school a few times before I actually started . Probably because Mom wanted to go someplace and I was one too many kids . I must have been a fragile , sickly little punk because Mom made the other kids carry my lunch pail . We had to walk about a mile or a mile and a half to a one - room school , which was also where we held Church and Sunday School . There were double desks and I got to sit with Parley . Gee , I liked that . After I started school , I was terrified of that walk to school . You see we had to pass Manson Campbell 's pasture . He was a prosperous neighbor who had purebred Hereford cattle and his bulls used to follow us down , on the inside of their fence bellering and pawing the dirt . I never took any chances . I 'd be on the inside of our pasture so there would be two fences between us . The older kids said bulls get mad when they see red , so I 'd cover up anything red on me and run all the way home . In Grade I , children used to get out a half - hour earlier than the other Grades . All the Grades I - VI were taught by one teacher . What a contrast to our schools today with a different teacher for every grade and subject , with libraries , gymnasiums , well - equipped labs and kitchens , lunch rooms and with wall - to - wall broadloom . We never had any money , so we never had gum and candy . We had Mom or the older girls make pulled taffy . Sometimes we 'd lay on the floor under our big dining room table and with a knife we 'd pry off any that was put there by who knows and we 'd chew that . One day I got some that tasted terrible , probably tobacco or an abscessed tooth . YUK ! That sure cured me . One day when I was only about 5 years old , Mom and Dad came home from town with a huge box which Dad put in the middle of the kitchen floor and he told us children that we could unpack the new dishes . They were white with a green border and buried in excelsior . He cautioned us to be careful and not break any . There seemed to be a thousand pieces . I can still remember reaching into the big box and feeling for and finding a dish , then squealing " I got a cup , no a saucer , no it 's a plate ! " What a mess ! What a noise with all six of us . As young as I was , I remember my Dad standing and watching and saying to Mom , " Leave them alone Maudie , I 'll clean up the mess " . We used to sleep on mattresses made of straw - our own straw that is - and every week or so the straw had to be changed . Probably because we wet the bed . So with all our beds this was a big job . One Saturday the older girls were down at the straw stack and were changing the straw - jumping and tumbling and having fun , when Mickey kicked me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me . I layed so white and motionless on the straw they were all certain I was dead , so they all ran to the house to tell Mom , who rushed right " out and carried me back to the house and with the help of some of Watkins smelling salts , I was revived . We spent many hours in the wintertime on the hill behind the barn " sleighing " using a scoop shovel . It seems we sat in the scoop and hung onto the handle . I tried this one - day after I grew up and I still couldn 't figure it out . On this same hill , we used to ride our " stick " horses down - our horses being old brooms . Once my spirited charger stumbled and I ended up with it in my mouth and out again . I have an extra dimple on my cheek to prove this really happened . The fact that I seem to be the only one in the family that ever got hurt is a natural supposition that someone else 's story isn 't going to relate . For instance , the time we were down in Aunt Mary 's pasture climbing on rocks and I either fell off or was pushed off a cliff and got a terrible nosebleed . My cousin , Ellis , and my sister , Mickey , each took one of my hands and made me run home so fast my feet didn 't even touch the ground . When we reached the house there was no one there . The kids didn 't know what to do for me so they put me on a couch behind the door . I heard Lou say that she read somewhere that if a person lost a cup of blood they 'd die . I laid there for quite a while expecting to die any minute - and that darn Lou couldn 't even read ! The most exciting times of all were when Mom 's relations would come for a visit . They used to come loaded with stuff for their poor relations . Trunks full of used clothes and boxes full of dried fruit . Mom 's folks from Idaho used to have their own fruit trees and were pretty " well off " . I think they probably thought " poor Maudie with all those kids and nothing to feed them " . It was fun trying on all the clothes . Mom 's younger sister , Mattie , used to work in a department store and I think she took all the junk that wouldn 't sell and brought it up . I remember trying on shoes - I found a pair my size , both for the right foot and I even wore them ! We had this thing about the States , as though it was another planet and whatever came from there had to be the best . Mom 's relations were good to Mom , but sometimes when they were leaving to go home , I 'd wonder what went through her mind . What were her thoughts ? Did she wish she could go back with them and forget that run - down farm and all those dirty - nosed kids ? Being a pioneer has no attraction for me and her experiences were harder than most pioneers . I 'll always remember Mom 's hands . I figured there was nothing she couldn 't do ! When she wiped my nose on her apron I used to see how cracked and rough they were and they always seemed to smell of onions . In the fall of 1924 , my Dad decided it was time to move to Claresholm about 13 or 14 miles away . It was very exciting . Someone said that Dad suspected that he wouldn 't live much longer . Stella was ready for high school and he had big plans for her . I 'm not sure what his reasons were , but I know that we loaded all our treasures on a hayrack . That was one long ride , and the one thing I remember about that trip was that our old cat , Tabby , was with us . Lou , Parley , Davis and Mickey and I and two older boys , Dee and Leland drove the team . About halfway there the boys decided the town was no place for a cat so they made her get off . We kids cried and pleaded with the boys not to put her off , but it was no use . Now this may sound uncanny and even unbelievable , but it 's true . About a week later this cat , who had never been further than the barn away , walked in our back door - dirty , bedraggled and very glad to see us . We cleaned and fed her and were so excited to have her back . This little house was already bursting at the seams with 9 children , five boys and four girls ranging in ages of from one to sixteen years , so what 's so exciting when another new baby is about to arrive ? The Mother and Dad had been married August 14 , 1901 and had come to Canada in 1904 in a wagon to homestead , with a four - month old baby . They had brought all their belongings . They owned the wagon and the team , which pulled it and had one hundred dollars . It wasn 't easy . A new baby in a wagon and a Canadian winter coming on . There were many disappointments . Work was scarce . They soon learned what hard work was ; in fact , after several short - term jobs , they landed work at the Johnson Sawmill west of Fort MacLeod , Alberta where the mother cooked for the whole crew of men for 75 ¢ cents a day and the father worked for $ 1 . 00 a day . The mother continued at this job three years and in the first spring she had her second baby boy , whom they called Ralph . They then moved to Claresholm and worked on the Bartlett Ranch , on the river bottom for one year . Then they bought their own place in 1908 , seven and a half miles west of Stavely , Alberta . The house was small , two bedrooms , a kitchen , living room and dining room . Here 10 more children were born . The boys slept in a bunkhouse and the girls all slept in one bed , three at the top and 3 at the bottom . And so it was on that very cold and rainy night in the fall of 1918 , the mother probably whispered to the father " I 'm going to have my baby tonight . " They both set about to put the rest of the children to bed with a minimum of fuss , then the father slipped out , saddled his horse and rode seven and a half miles to town to get the doctor . Hospitals were few and far between back then , son most babies were born at home . Anyway , Dr . Auld arrived at the farm about midnight in his own little buggy . After first checking his patient , he sat down in the only comfortable chair to wait . He took a sip of the chloroform , then another and another and soon he went fast asleep . The mother was in the final stages of labor , so the nervous father went to awaken the doctor . After much persuasion , he could see it was impossible . He jumped on his horse and hurried off to a neighbor , Mrs . Edna Stanford , two and a half miles away and who was a very close friend . They got back just in time to deliver the baby ! The doctor was still fast asleep so they finished the job . However , he only got a quarter of a mile down the Coulee , when he slid off the road into the ditch and found he needed help to pull himself back up on the road . Too embarrassed to go back to Parl Oviatt 's he walked half a mile further to Manson Campbell 's place . Mr . Campbell , who was a very fine person and a prosperous Hereford breeder , hitched up a team , went up and soon had the doctor back on the road . At this point , the doctor , making a real effort to act sober , said , " How much do I owe you for pulling me out of the ditch ? " Drama , indeed ! The poor mother , who should have been the star , gets third billing next to the father and doctor . This should be the end of the story , but it isn 't . The baby in the story is me ; and some may think I should have been the last baby for this couple , but not so . Two more little girls came - Doris in 1920 and Idonna in 1923 . I was always the Road Runner . If mother wanted something from the store , I was off and running and back before she could change her mind . I guess that 's how I stayed skinny - between that and playing " Hooky " from school with Helen Mulholland and going to a farm south and west of Stavely in a grain truck and getting home later than was customary . Mother asked if I had brought homework and I said " No " which was the truth , but all the time she knew I hadn 't even gone to school because the " truant " officer had come to find out why I was not in class . I vowed I 'd never go back , but I was there the next morning . Mr . Carl Johnson gave me a tearjerker of a lecture about my mother being a widow with enough problems raising her large family without such conduct from me . He tried to extract a promise that I would never do it again . I couldn 't promise because I said , " If ever a good opportunity came along and I felt so inclined , I 'd probably do it again and I couldn 't commit myself . " - but I never did . When I was 17 , my mom died and I never completed High School . Then there was the time I invited Mayor David Elton for Sunday dinner . He had just had his teeth out and was glad not to have to refuse roast beef at one of the bishopric 's houses . We had bean soup and homemade bread ! I was so proud - we had royalty for dinner at our house ! My earlier years were during the Dirty Thirties ( the Depression ) times . Money was scarce and jobs were hard to comeby . Those that did have jobs worked early and late and received meager pay . Mother had a cow and used to sell a Rogers syrup pail of milk to the Chinese Restaurant for 25 ¢ , which would buy enough hamburger for one meal . Even then , sometimes , the 25 ¢ was squandered to buy treats , much to Mother 's dismay . How she managed to feed twelve hungry children and extra company , I 'll never know . She must have been a genius , because no one was ever turned away . Mother used to catch the train in the morning and go to Stavely to Relief Society , then come home on the train that evening . That evening several of we children would go down to the train station to meet her . The conductor would ask us what we were there for and we 'd say , " We have come to meet our mother " . He 'd say , " Well , how long has she bee gone ? " and we 'd say " Oh , she went to Stavely this morning . " He would just smile and turn away . Many happy hours were spent in the Fall time in playing " Cupie Doll ' on the lawn . We raked the leaves into reams of rooms and had ' parties and dressed the dolls for such occasions . I think every child in the neighborhood took part in it . I learned to knit , by us girls from my class in school having a knitting club . Then I taught Mattie how to knit and she became an expert . She made some beautiful dresses and sweaters and knitted articles for her family and all of us . Mother was kind and patient and very considerate . Our home was always open to young people . Each fall she would make a big wooden barrel of dill pickles , which was kept in the kitchen , behind the living room door . Those pickles made the best dill pickle sandwiches , along with her homemade bread . I think when Mom got her new Maytag washer . It must have been a real highlight in her life . I remember that she was surely proud of it . I learned baby - sitting at an early age and I used to get enough money when I was twelve to buy material for new dresses , which Mattie and Mother made for me . Mother always wanted us girls to " act like ladies " and whenever we 'd do something or say something out of line she 'd say " now wasn 't that ladylike ! " Mother always said that being as I was the youngest , I would be with her the longest , but I believe that I was short - changed because she passed away when I was fourteen years old and I feel that that was a very crucial time in my life . I needed her most at that age . People say time heals . Yes , I suppose it does in a way , but to those of you who have your mothers and dads , all I can say is appreciate them , be kind and considerate to them and tell them every day how much you love them . |
Now I know , I know . It 's too romantic , awkward , mushy . But I don 't necessarily mean between a couple , but between friends . Between family . I know that for me , just to hear it said reassures me . I am extremely insecure , and hearing someone tell me they love me helps me a lot . People underestimate the power of those three words we say so much . In fact , we say them so much that we think they have lost meaning . But they have not . Those words have come to mean so much from the right people . When I say " from the right people " I mean just that . It is entirely possible that hearing my dad say he loves me is not as comforting as hearing any of my friends say it . When I am upset , or if I think someone is upset with me , I think back to the last time they said that to me . Then , I tell myself , " That person loves me . He / she said so him / herself . " And it reminds me that all it is is a lie . A lie I am being told so I will no longer trust so much in my God . Satan tells me lies as he did Job , so that I will have my faith taken from me , reducing me to a girl who believes herself alone , and unloved . Jewels , we do not say those words enough . It has become such a romantic gesture to say that we are often uncomfortable saying it , but I am here to tell you guys that it should not make you uncomfortable to tell someone you love them . Love is not something that has to be romantic . Love is commitment , and honesty , and joy . 1 Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8 says " 4 Love is patient , love is kind . It does not envy , it does not boast , it is not proud . 5 It does not dishonor others , it is not self - seeking , it is not easily angered , it keeps no record of wrongs . 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth . 7 It always protects , always trusts , always hopes , always perseveres . If you love someone , tell them . You never know if it may be the last time you see them . Everything has a last time . Don 't make last Monday the last time you said " I love you . " . Tell your parents , tell your friends , tell your girlfriend , or boyfriend , tell God you love Him . Hello , Gems . < 3 So there 's this book that I have to read for school , and it 's called The Roar On The Other Side by Suzanne U . Rhodes . It 's basically a poetry book , and it helps you write poetry and get ideas and such . And I . Love . This . Book . Like oh my goodness I love it . Haha you all know how much I love poetry and writing , but this book is just so amazing . For every chapter , there is some different kind of exercise like writing a list of nonsense words etcetera , and I just can 't get over how awesome the book is . Suzanne Rhodes talks about how the Bible uses poetry , and not just in the Psalms , but in all different parts of the bible . She frequently references verses . Oh my gosh ! ! ! ! I am finally done with Sniper ! I can 't believe it ! ! ! ! I don 't have it cut into chapters or anything , so it 's still just 36 straight pages of awesome , Haha Thanks so much to those of you who stuck it out with me ! I am so happy to be done . I think so far , this is the longest story I have finished , and it feels amazing to be able to say that . : D The violin wailed pleasantly in Anabelle 's ear as she toned herself to the music , slowly adding in her own part , a crescendo , and a new tune , dancing playfully with the other instruments . They created a beautiful melody , but she could hear none of it . There may have been other people on the stage , but in her mind , with her eyes shut tight , there was only her . She paused , slowly dying out , and then moments later coming back in . She tossed her hair out of her face . A harp joined the song , and she smiled to herself . This was perfection . A shot rang next to her , ruining her haven of music , and a searing pain roared up her shoulder . Her lips opened in a silent scream . She did not make a sound as she fell to the floor , and the last thing she saw was her mahogany violin falling to the wooden stage , blood splattered on the front , and the white strings yet humming a sad note . When Anabelle woke , she found that the rigid blacks had faded to unpleasant browns and greens . She sat up swiftly , crying out as light - headedness overtook her body . Panic surged through her . Anabelle swung her legs over the edge of the bed on which she lay and slid off the side , nearly falling before a tanned hand pressed her gently back into the blanket . She struggled against him , increasing the pain in her shoulder , but subdued when it came to be too much . The momentum of her surrender sent her falling back onto the cushions , and releasing another wave of affliction . " Sorry . " the man muttered . He began to walk around the room , gathering things ; a bottle here , a rag there , and finally coming to rest at her bedside . He lowered the shoulder of her shirt , exposing her sweaty skin to his eyes . Her first instinct was to bat away his hands , but when he put a needle into her arm , she felt weak and sunk lower into her bed . The dim light allowed her little vision of her captor . She watched silently as he bared her skin , and dabbed a cloth at the accumulating blood . She gritted her teeth . The rag came away red . The man finished his work and bandaged her shoulder well , tightly , but not too tightly . " Rest . " he said , quietly , " You have been shot . " The shock of the sentence he had just said did not penetrate the haze that now engulfed her thoughts . Whatever he had given her , it worked fast . She closed her eyes and did her best to rest , the drugs enhancing her exhaustion , but found that sleeping in a place where you do not know is more than slightly unnerving , and found little rest in the burrow . She looked around as she was unable to move much . She finally found a digital clock . It was 3AM before she fell asleep . Anabelle awoke , the ringing pain again enveloping her , threatening to drag her back down into the recesses of its warm blackness . She did not attempt to sit up , remembering the results of the previous morning . " Who are you ? " She could see the him walking around the room and look up when she addressed him . " You can call me Alex , if that 's what you mean . " He turned back to his tasks without a reply . He came to her bedside moments later , with a syringe . She struggled to move away , but the pain rumbled back into her skull and she gave up . He pressed the needle gently into the bend of her arm , and she heard his voice - now a distant whisper , " Eleven AM . The shooting was four days ago . " Alex set a plate in her lap . She glanced down at it with a sigh . Bread and . . . bread . " That 's crap . " She said . She looked away and felt the plate lift from her lap . Momentarily , another took its place . A heavenly smell wafted into her nose . Anabelle looked up to see him observing her while eating his own breakfast . She scooped more in . After a couple more bites , her stomach protested . Her breakfast spilled over her front , no longer edible . Alex was at her side in moments , collecting it in a bucket , one hand on her back , the other bracing the pail . Once her spasms had resolved , her eyelids fell shut and she looked up into his face . She rolled her eyes . He moved away and washed his hands . She cringed . They would both smell like puke now , she thought with remorse . He caught her eyes on him and nodded his head at her . She breathed heavily once and lifted her eyebrows . " Any chance I could get a shower ? Maybe I could wash my dress , too . I 'd rather not smell like throw - up for however long I 'm going to be here . " Throw your clothes out when you are in . I 'll wash them while you are busy . Soap is on the ledge on the wall . " He left . Anabelle let loose a deep breath and combed her fingers through her scraggly hair . She lifted her dress up and over her head with a cringe , and once unclothed , tossed her garments out the door , and stepped under the spout . A steaming torrent of hot water burned over her body , causing her to smile with pleasure , then gasped when it washed the dried blood from her wound , turning the liquid to a clear red . She glanced over her shoulder . Ten neat stitches lined the bone . Crusted red still stuck , so she rubbed her fingers with soap and , biting her tongue , dug her fingers into the wound , scrubbing it thoroughly with soap . She cried out many times , and her eyes smarted , but finally it was done . She sat down on the wooden panels , letting the solvent flow over her skin and wash away the grime and sweat . An hour later , she emerged , the room full of steam . She wiped the vapor from a shard of broken mirror . Her hair was tangled , and her face was pale . Red scratches clung to her arms and legs . Tears began to fall down her face . A sob emerged . She jumped when someone knocked on the door . Anabelle stepped back behind the door while he laid them on the counter , then shut the door behind him . She looked through the clothes . A man 's shirt , and a pair of men 's jeans . She sighed again . She seemed to have been doing that a lot lately . It was a long time before she put the clothes on , pants rolled up to avoid the drag , and walked out . She threw her arms open . " Well , I 've been here for almost five days , you obviously want something . Why else would I still be here ? I 'm just using up your food . " " Sit . " he said . She pulled a chair from the table behind her , and sat in it , crossing her arms over her chest . " Cut these . " he laid a cutting board in front of her with a knife , and a bundle of herbs . She narrowed her eyes at him , but did as she was told . She began slicing them into thick pieces , and was about to put them into the pot when he stopped her . " No ! You have to cut them smaller ! " He put his arms around her and held her wrists gently , displaying how to cut them smaller . " You slice them closer together , so that they dissolve better when I boil them . It gets more of the flavor into the broth . " She took the knife back , and began to cut them again , smaller this time . He observed her for a time , and then nodded , satisfied , and then went back to his own work . When she had finished , she slid them into the pot , and sat on the stool , looking around with nothing now to do . " No . Poison . You just mix this … " He poured some purple liquid in , " And this , and then you sprinkle this in , and you have poison . " he said , so casually that she wondered if maybe he did have it for dinner . " I 'm kidding . " he whispered , a faint smile emerging . " Yeah , it 's dinner . I don 't think you use beef in poison . " He beckoned her over , and she came to stand beside him . " My grandpa taught me to make this . Beef stew . It has to be my favorite thing to eat . I 'm running out of potatoes , though . James hasn 't come in a while . " He reached around her for a knife , and she nervously moved away . He glanced down at the knife , and understanding filled his eyes . " I 'm not going to hurt you , Anabelle . I wouldn 't have healed you if I were going to . " She nodded once , and pursed her lips . A thought struck her . He wasn 't tying her up , and he hadn 't sedated her at all today . If she could find the door , she could leave if she wanted to . A crease formed on her forehead , and she got up . Anabelle walked through the halls , finding her way into a bedroom , a study , and the shower that she had made use of earlier that day . Finally , she found a little room with a pair of boots , and a long coat , and a brown hat . After taking a few steps farther , she found a door . A screen door . She glanced through it and shoved open the door . When the scenery met her eyes , she dabbed tears away , hoping that her sight was deceiving her . " Ah , there you are . I was wondering where you 'd gone off to . " Alex said . He stood , hands stained purple , in the middle of the kitchen . Anabelle ran from . . . something . She didn 't know what , but she knew there was something behind her . She looked behind her at the black tunnel and tripped . Her knees stung as they struck the cement , and something wet and warm sprayed onto her face . She lifted her hands to her face and her eyes widened . Blood . A sharp pain clenched her spine , and she arched her back . Screams echoed in her ears . Her hands found her mouth , and she found that her own vocal cords released the sound . Anabelle awoke , screaming with sweat dripping down her face , and arms . Alex stood next to her bed , holding her tightly against his chest . " It 's okay , Anabelle . It 's okay . Shhhh . It 's okay . " She gasped her sobs away , gripping the edge of the bed as she erased the memory of her dream . Anabelle bit her lip and nodded slowly . Alex took her hands and examined the cuts - results of her sharp nails . He helped her to sit up , and stepped away momentarily , returning with a wet cloth and some bandages . He gently wiped away the red liquid , but she still winced at the sudden pain . The days she had been there turned into weeks , then months , until Anabelle wondered if she would ever go home . She marked the beginning of every day with her screams and punctuate their conversations by asking him why she was there . He would either ask her to do something for him , or ignore her completely until she began to wonder if she had even asked the question in the first place . And so it went on and on until one night , Anabelle sat up , yet another dream haunting the backs of her eyelids . But this time , it was different . The blood was drowning her . It reached up to grab her like hands as it filled her mouth and nose , stealing her ability to breathe . She screamed at the figure who stood in front of her . A knife plunged down into her again and again . It didn 't hinder her actions , when she surveyed her body , there were no cuts , but every time , she felt undying agony , and her screams increased . She fought free of her torturer 's grasp , twisting the knife from the bloody fingers - cutting her own in the process - and ran . She looked back to where she had knelt ; No one was there . She kept running , the liquid up to her knees , now , growing thicker with every step until she collapsed around a corner . Anabelle plunged the knife deep into him , with a yell as he rounded the bend next to her . He screamed . Deep , and loud , and real . " Anabelle . . . Anabelle , I need you to get me the plant I showed you . Anabelle . . . Anabelle ! " he screamed . She pushed her hands to her ears and pulled her knees to her chest , rocking back and forth . Alex sat on the floor , screaming through his teeth . " Anabelle , get me the herbs ! Hey , listen to me ! You 're dreaming ! " he gasped , " I just . . . need you to get me the medicine ! " " Anabelle , do you hear me ? It 's okay , just . . . just get me the herbs . It will all be okay if you just . . . just . . . just … " his breathing slowed and his eyes fluttered shut . " What - what do I do ? Alex ! " she shook him . " What do I do ? ! You have to tell me ! I don 't know how to help you ! " His eyes pried back open and shut again . Sweat began to form on his forehead and lips as he put forth effort to speak . " The . . . the pestle . . . " he rasped , his head falling from side to side . When Anabelle grabbed his hand , his body convulsed , shaking uncontrollably , his neck snapping every which way . " What ? The pestle ? Is that what you said ? Alex ! " Tears flooded to her eyes , descending down her cheeks . " Alex . . . don 't leave me alone . " she said to him , then again to herself , " I don 't want to be alone . . . " she sobbed , gripping his hand , and leaning her head into his shoulder , until all of a sudden , the door burst open and a man shoved her away from Alex , and tossed aside a paper bag out of which vegetables and green leaves tumbled . " What happened ? ! " the man shouted , searching Alex 's body , and fingering his clothing rapidly . He turned and grabbed her shoulders , shaking her with each word . " Tell me what happened ! " The man grabbed the black plant from her shaking fingers and held it to his nose . He scowled and cast them aside , drawing a syringe from a bag that lay at his side . He filled it with a green liquid . " Damn fool . " he muttered , and he drove it into Alex 's leg pressing the plunger hard as though the harder he pressed , the sooner effect would take . " No . He 's sleeping . But he very well could be dead within the hour if you don 't do what I tell you to do . " he looked back at her as he held his hand to the wound . " I need you to get me a glass of water , a cloth , gauze , a needle , and the bottle of alcohol from my bag . " She retrieved the items for him and he began patting away blood with the cloth which he had dipped in the water . He poured the alcohol over Alex 's leg and Anabelle winced in pity . " He 's okay for now . " the man got up , groaning and gripping his back as he drank the remaining water from the glass . " Now , " he said , gulping it down , " I think you had better tell me exactly what happened . " " Let 's get him into his bed . He can 't stay here on the floor . He needs to be able to breathe better . " The man said , calmly . He hoisted Alex over his shoulder , taking care to make sure Alex 's injured leg did not bang against his hip . Anabelle followed , now feeling rather useless , as the man lay Alex gently on the bed she had been using before it all happened . Her mouth closed , and her old habit of biting her lip returned . She hadn 't realized that was his bed . When Anabelle stood there , unmoving , eyes glued to Alex 's face , the man sighed and moved in front of her , blocking her view of the injured on the bed . " Hey , Alex will be okay , but I need you to get me that water , yeah ? " Anabelle 's distant eyes flicked to the man 's face . He smiled , little crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes . " James . " he told her , " Why don 't you go fetch me that water now ? " Hours later found Anabelle sitting alone by Alex 's bedside . James had left , saying that he would return the following day to check on them . " When you see him sweating , wipe it off with cold water . Make sure it 's cold . Change it when it gets warm again . " he had said . Anabelle found some bread that had been baked the previous morning and munched half - heartedly on it . She laid it aside after a bit , her appetite having nearly disappeared . Her dream seemed glued to her mind , something she could not remove . Every time she blinked , she was drowning again . So she stayed awake . The day passed slowly and uneventfully , as Anabelle tended to her patient , never leaving his side for more than a few minutes for fear he would awaken alone . Her throat dry and sticky , she rose to retrieve a glass of water . When she tried to pull her hand from his , she was hindered . She glanced back to see his fingers tightly gripping hers , and his nearly - shut eyes staring back at her like lines on a paper . Her own tired pupils shot open . She held the cold cloth to his face , and patted the sweat away . Anabelle turned quickly , detaching their hands and ran into the kitchen where she spilled water on the counter in her rush to bring it to him . She slid her palm beneath his head and tipped the lip of the cup into his mouth . He gulped several times and would have continued had she not pulled it away . Alex frowned and grimaced when he sat up . He placed his hand on her cheek . " Hey , it 's alright . You didn 't know what you were doing . " Tears slipped down her face , and he wiped them away with his thumb . " Hey . " he said , a smile in his voice . She looked up at him . " Thanks for taking care of me . " A far - away look came to his face . " Before … " he flung his hand in a semicircle around him . " Before all this , my family was actually really rich . My mom owned Marcks Industries - " " Yes . " he nodded several times before continuing . " So lots of money came in from charity , thanks , and sales . Marcus Blüd , owner of Blüd Enterprise - yes , the medical provider - was very close to my family . He was like a father to me . " One night , I went to him for advice . When I asked the information desk where he was , I was led down to the bottom floor - the floor he had always told me was for top - secret research . " Alex 's eyes grew more and more distant . Anabelle took his hand again , and he grabbed it so tightly his knuckles went white . " There were rows and rows of cells - not like . . . prison cells . They were made of glass . . Each cell held a person . Most were screaming - begging for release . The rest lay limp on the floor . Dead , I assume . " When I found Blüd , he was watching some man in a lab coat stick a little girl with all kinds of needles . She couldn 't have been more than nine . She kept screaming - screaming for her mother , so loudly that they finally sedated her and she slept . " Alex paused , obviously trying to keep his calm . " Finally , Marcus turned and saw me . I asked him what was going on . ' We are . . . researching , Alex . That 's what this company does . We are furthering the knowledge of the human race . ' he said . I told him that if he didn 't shut it down right away , I would tell everyone . I should have left without a word , because he told me that if I told anyone , he would kill me . ' We wouldn 't want your mother to lose the only son she has , would we ? ' he asked . So I kept quiet , went back to my everyday life like a coward . " A year later , we were at his company picnic . He threw one every year . I saw someone tap him on the shoulder and beckon him into a different room . I followed . ' I can 't do this anymore , Marcus , ' the man said , ' It 's wrong . I have my own little girl at home , I can 't keep doing this . ' Blüd told him that he could leave , but if word of the research got out to the public , an assassin would find him , and kill him . " Alex shuddered . " A week later , it was all over the news : Blüd Enterprise had been kidnapping people off the streets and doing experiments on them to research human endurance . Anabelle , the man who told everyone , his name was Simon Lochton . Your father , Anabelle . I helped him get out . I gave him a new identity , and he escaped . " Anabelle drew a sharp breath , and held her hands to her face as large , betrayed tears dripped from her face slowly , and then all at once . " Was an assassin . Andrew Baker ; A psychopath . Blüd was trying to get to your father . Simon took away all that Blüd held dear , so now he wants to do the same to your father . He wants you . But I 've made him angry . He would have given up years ago had I not been there , but instead he wants to kill you more than ever . No one 's ever beaten him before . " " That 's why I brought you here after the shooting . I thought that Blüd had given up on your father a long time ago , but when I saw that he wanted you , I couldn 't let that happen . When I helped your father escape , Blüd killed my sister . James brought me here . " Alex looked up admiringly at their surroundings . " He saved my life , and now I am going to save yours . " he rubbed her back gently . " James brings me supplies , he gives me updates on my mother , and keeps her safe . " he paused . " I brought you here to keep you safe . But Anabelle , Baker doesn 't miss when he wants to kill someone . He wasn 't trying to kill you . He wants to scare you first . " Anabelle wandered into the kitchen to get them both some food and something to drink . When she got to the table , she saw a neatly folded piece of paper . She snatched it up and unfolded it . He gasped and laughed with her . " It 's alright . Now slowly lift my leg , and put the cloth underneath . That 's it . Now dribble some of that alcohol on it . " She did as she was told and he gritted his teeth against the pain . New , fresh blood oozed from the cut . " There . Good . That 's good , see ? The blood means any infection is out of the way . " He ran his fingers through his messy hair , " See , I told you you 'd be good at this . " " Haha yeah , I 'll just go grab one from storage . " he said , sarcasm strung through his tone . A breathy laugh came from his direction . " No , I never really got into instruments . Music , yes , but . . . other peoples ' not my own . You shouldn 't be playing anyway . Not until your shoulder is healed . " Alex continued : " My mother used to play piano , and before he passed , my father would play guitar for their duets . Mom could do anything she set her mind to . " his fond smile vanished . " James says she doesn 't play anymore , though . A result of my sister 's and my absence , no doubt . " Alex shrugged his shoulders . " I don 't know where we are . I had James bring me here . Whenever I go back to the city , I have him blindfold me . " I told my mother I was in some trouble and I had to leave , and that was that . James brought me here , and I 've lived here ever since . I only ever went back to watch you perform " " Of course ! I had to keep you safe . Your father 's bravery saved hundreds , but after he left Blüd Enterprise , he didn 't have the money to keep you safe . So I did it for him . " Anabelle gasped . " How many nights were you there and I didn 't even know it … ? " She frowned . " Has Blüd tried to get me before now ? " " Five , but the third time , James took all the heat . I had the flu , and he wouldn 't let me help . I convinced him to let me see you play , but when I tried to protect you , he threatened to tie me up back on the boat . " " All those times . " she whispered . Her lip was going to split if she kept gnawing on it like this . She swept a hand across her face . " Why ? " Alex looked at her for a long time before answering . " Anabelle , what Simon did . . . he had the courage to do what I could not . What I was too scared to do . If I had told everyone , I would have had the money to protect myself from Blüd . " Admiration shone on Alex 's face . " But your father . . . with nothing to speak of but a cheap house and a ten year old daughter . . . he did it anyway , and there is " he paused , taking a breath , " no describing how much I admire that . How much I regret not telling . " he slid his hand onto her cheek . " So . . . since there was no way for me to protect your father - he insisted on living a normal life - I had to protect the thing that meant to most to him and make it mean the most to me . " Alex paused , memory in his eyes , and then , almost as if he were thinking out loud , he said " I hadn 't expected you to be so beautiful , though . I have been watching you for years , but I never thought you would be this gorgeous up close . " a blush lit up his face , as he tried to take back his words as he did his hand . He shook his head , scattering the thought that had come from his lips moments ago . He cleared away Anabelle 's sudden tears with his thumb . " otherwise . . . my conscience would tear me up . " He withdrew his hand from her face . " Maybe . But in my mind , I can never truly repay your father . " he took her hand and rubbed her knuckles , studying them . " Besides … " he said , looking up at her eyes , " I kind of like having you here . So you may be stuck with me . Maybe I 'll never let you go . " Alex smiled a bit . " James has been watching your father . He 's worried , but he 's fine . Baker tried to get to him the other day , but James sent him running . " " I 'm sure something just fell like a pot or something . I 'll go see what it is . " she rose to leave , and felt Alex 's fingers close around her wrist . She looked back . Heavy footsteps alerted her to another 's presence nearby . Three men stood in the kitchen , and another knelt on the ground , teeth gritted in pain . James . Anabelle gasped and ducked back behind the wall . When no one made notice of her sound , she glanced again . There was a tall man and two short men . The tall man had blood - red eyes and a jagged scar going down the length of his face . " Help me up . " he whispered , urgently . She slipped an arm under his shoulder , and lifted him to a standing position . He nodded his head at the closet . " There . " Anabelle helped him to the doors which she slid open , doing her best to be quiet . " To the left , there 's a handle on the floor . Lift it up . There 's a safe room in the floor . We can hide . " When she lifted the door , blackness bellowed up at them . They descended . Anabelle hated the dark , and when they both sat with relative comfort on the dirt floor , she gripped Alex 's fingers tightly . " The water ! " she said , looking frantically at where she knew him to be . " If they see the ice cubes still intact , he will know we are here ! " she pulled herself away from him despite his protests . " It will only take a minute . I 'll be right back . " Unable to move unaided to stop her , he said " Anabelle ? " she turned . " Be careful . " she nodded and smiled confidently at him before leaving silently . She closed the hatch behind her . Once topside , she snuck to the table where the bowl was . She carried it to the doorway where she searched the hall for the intruders . Once assured it was clear , she passed into the kitchen where she proceeded to dump the liquid . She hurried about her job , glancing up every few seconds for her own safety . A shout alerted her to a predator . She dropped the the porcelain object , shattering it , and took off down the hallway . She could hear the man in pursuit , his heavy boots thudding on the wooden panels beneath their feet . She swerved unexpectedly around a corner and then another , finally finding herself lost among the maze of hallways . She sunk to the floor , gripping the knife tightly to her chest . A trickle of blood popped from her lip as her teeth dug into it , causing her to swallow the scream that welled up inside her throat . Then she heard him . " Come back to me , my dear . " Tears rolled from her eyes , adding to the nervous sweat that already drenched her face . Her dream came back to her mind , unbidden as she shivered spasmodically . " Anabelle … " it was him all over again . He was getting closer . She could tell - she could hear him . " If you come out now , we won 't kill you . " he laughed , sending goosebumps cascading over her clammy skin . " I can 't promise you won 't lose a few fingers , maybe an ear , but trust me , you will be alive . " " If I were you , I would hurry . James has a tongue and some other limbs that my men are a bit anxious to remove . . " he was closer . " So I " closer " would " closer " hurry up " he was so so close . " if I were you . " " Missed me . " As she turned , she saw that Andrew Baker 's smiling face was mere inches from hers . She screamed as she struggled to get free , but his fingers - like the blood in her nightmare - would not be pushed away . Something heavy struck the back of her head , and just before her eyes shut , she thought she heard Alex screaming her name . He 's stuck . He can 't move , she thought , I have to help him out ! Then the black again . She sat in the dark , warm blackness washing over her , and then cold . As though she had been sleeping on a winter day , and someone had suddenly pulled the blankets off . She pulled her knees to her chest , and then spread her arms and legs realizing that she was flying . She crashed into the steel floor of a hospital . A child 's laugh echoed off the walls , plunging Anabelle into shivers . Her blue - tinged view of the place blurred the edges of her vision , causing her to use the wall as a hand - hold . When she felt something wet slip over her feet , she jumped and her eyes flew to her feet . " Barefoot , " she said , " Why am I barefoot ? " Blood oozed out from between her toes , and she picked up her foot , watching it drip to the floor . Movement in her peripheral vision pulled her head up again . The laughter . " Come back ! " she yelled . Anabelle rushed down the hall , pressing her hand against the wall . As she rounded the corner , the little girl 's back was turned to her . Anabelle stepped slowly closer , and when she saw something drip from the girl 's fingers , Anabelle grabbed the pale hand and held it in front of her face . Black . The girl flickered and suddenly was facing Anabelle . " Drown . " she said , and Anabelle did . Water was at her feet all at once , and it swiftly rose , so that soon it was at her ankles . She turned to run , but the opening behind her had disappeared and now she stood in a room devoid of windows or doors . The girl in front of her was swept away and soon disappeared , her obsidian hair the last thing of her to be sucked under . Anabelle ducked under the water to find the source of the flow , and after moments of looking around , spotted a covered drain that seemed to be detaining the water . She swam deeper and deeper , never seeming to get any closer , and then finally when she reached it , she pulled the plug . It seemed for a miniscule amount of time that the water level was going down , but then , when she looked again at the drain , a black cloud emerged . She put her face closer and found that it was not black , but deep red . Blood - red . It seemed to follow her no matter where she was . Anabelle 's tears blurred her vision , but the voice was unmistakable . Baker . As her sight cleared , she bit her lip in terror as he looked down at her , a cruel smile on his broken face , pushing his scar up higher on his face so that it twisted grotesquely , making her wince . " So , here 's what 's happening , Anabelle . This - " he held up a syringe filled with a bright purple liquid . " Is my creation . It took me quite a while to make , you know . " he paced to the other side of her , looking intently into the glass . " Do you know what it does ? " Anabelle glared at him , and he continued his monologue . " It 's a formula puts the human brain into a dream state that shows them all of their fears at once . Only , there 's another thing . We can see them , too . Right here , on this screen . " he tapped a computer terminal with his palm , letting it slide down the side of the screen . Anabelle 's eyes grew wide as she realized what was going to happen . Baker grabbed her wrist , flipping it over painfully , and lowering the syringe toward her popping veins . She struggled , and Andrew backhanded her across the face . Anabelle licked her lip , and tasted iron . Blood . Andrew slammed her arm back down onto the examiner 's table , and drove the needle into her arm . She barely had enough time to scream before the dreams came . Anabelle stood on the edge of a skyscraper , a fierce wind blasting strands of her hair into a whip that cut her face . She whimpered and backed up against a pillar that stood behind her . When she turned to look , she was gripping Andrew Baker 's jacket as a cruel snicker made it 's way from his parted lips . Screaming , Anabelle backed away from him , tipping precariously over the edge . As she zoomed through the air , her locks of hair rushing above her , all she could see was Andrew 's smiling face , taunting her . When she hit the bottom , she expected to be crushed to death . No such luck . Searing pain pressed itself into Ana 's skin . She screeched as it rushed into her skull . When she managed to open her eyes , a red fluid finding her eyes , She took in the scene in front of her . Alex lay defenseless on a table , his arms and legs and head held down , rendering him exposed . Thick red blood collected on the dips of his skin - his neck , his stomach , his wrists . To Ana 's great shame and horror , she herself was holding the whip . A hand settled on her shoulder , and moments later , another . On her left , Blüd . Grinning wide enough for Christmas . On her right , A tall , handsome man with jet black hair to match her own . Cruel , scared blue eyes stared back at her when she turned to him . Earlier , when he had heard Anabelle screaming , he had shot up from his seat , causing pain to flood to his wound and he fell to the ground . He heard a moan and pushed through the pain to get to the top of the ladder . When he finally escaped the dark hole , the scene hit him . A bowl lay shattered on the kitchen floor , a dagger on the ground in the hallway , so close to the door . If she had only run a bit further perhaps she would have escaped . " James ! " he remembered . He rushed down the hallways and through doors , finally collapsing in despair when he heard yet another groan , followed by a choked cough . " James ? ! Speak to me ! I don 't - " he winced at the sudden pain in his leg . " I don 't know where you are ! " " Alex ? " a dim voice droned , " You there ? I 'm - " cough , cough , " In the north room . I can 't - " he yelled through his teeth , " I can 't move ! They shot me below my kneecaps ! " Alex came back to stand in front of his friend . " I have to save her , James . I can 't say why , I just do . " " Keep going North until you see the city . You should be there in a few hours . Be safe , and don 't do anything I wouldn 't do . " Over and over Anabelle cried out Alex 's name , hoping he had escaped so he could save her again . Guilt poured into her like a waterfall . He had already saved her several times over ; by no means was he obligated to do it again . He kept coming back . She couldn 't shake his voice from her head . Her words quaked when she spoke . " Let me die . " she rasped . Even speaking sent showers of pain cascading over her body . She knew the dreams would come soon . She could see them in the corners of her eyes , the breath that shallowly emerged from her rising chest . She heard them in the rasp of her voice and in the creak of the door as it opened and closed . Despite the panicked thoughts that streaked through her mind , one kept materializing . She had to escape . She had to live . When her mother had died , her father had drowned in drink . He never really came back up . She had to survive . Her death would be the end of her father . She couldn 't leave him like that . Memories zipped through her mind : her father stumbling into the house after a night of drinking , her mother lying pale and dead on the bed that had once been white - now covered in red blood . And Alex . She had to help him . She had to find Alex . Pain erupted from her throat in a scream . With everything she had , she threw her arms up and dug her nails into the restraints . A crack snapped through her ears and the pain grew into something worse than she had ever felt . She stumbled from the bed . The lock turned . she struggled behind the door , gripping the wall to steady herself . The door opened , concealing her , and as the figure entered , she slammed the door . The man cried out as the structure slammed into his unprotected temple . Cradling his punctured skull , he turned on her . Anabelle quickly swiveled out the exit , shutting the man in . He yelled incomprehensibly and banged on the metal separating them . The boat rumbled underneath Alex 's pained feet , causing him to shift uncomfortably from side to side . His heart thrummed in his chest . Anabelle was close and he knew exactly where she was . Blüd Enterprise . The old building where all this started . James had wanted to come , but his legs were getting worse , and there was no way he could have come with them without slowing them down . No , this was something he had to do alone . Unaided . Water splashed up into his face . Alex sighed with pleasure as the drops cooled his fevered face . The air that rushed into him blew his face back from his eyes , giving him a heroic look that he didn 't feel . An hour and a half later , he arrived . Stepping onto the land , he gazed up at the once - glorious construct . Gloomy boards covered the shattered glass windows , nails protruding from the ends . He closed his eyes , preparing himself for the rescue . He went over his plan : Get Anabelle , get Simon , get out . Explosions of pain pulsed through his wound . Winces ebbed across his features , but he kept going . He had to find her . He had to find Anabelle . She felt herself being lifted from her perch on the ground . Screams blasphemed the air as she tried to claw her way from her subduers . She felt her fingernails catch on something , and an alarmed shout rang from the lips of someone nearby . Her arm shot out once again , hoping that she would get lucky . Nothing . Fearful , angry extensions clapped over her arms and wrists . She twisted , and writhed . Let . Me . GO ! Her mind screamed , but no words were liberated by her lungs - they swam around in her head . When Anabelle 's vision cleared , submissive tears ran in rivulets down her face . She was done . It was over . Memories of her father wafted through her brain , setting a sad smile like stone on her face . When Ana opened her eyes , confusion spread through her senses . They , too had been expecting their work to be done . Her vision focused , and she blinked once to dispell the specter she was certain was in front of her . I hope you guys enjoyed it ! I had a lot of long days of writing , and it finally paid off . This feels awesome . Haha If this is too hard to read , please email me at trueloveneverdies @ gmail . com and I will add you to the document so it is easier for you to read . : ) Also , my friend Rintarou finally got a blog ! ! ! Woohoo ! Way to get up there with the bloggers ! < 3 So you guys should totally check him out ! ! He 's awesome , and his blog is fabulous . ; ) Hi ! My name is Marisa ! I love to sing , write , blog , and just talk to people in general . My crazy family is both Armenian and Dutch , so we eat a lot of food from both sides . Just to cover the basics , my favorite color is blueFavorite TV show : Doctor Who and Firefly and my favorite book / series : " I know why the angels dance " by Bryan Davis . Thanks for taking your time to read my blog . Don 't forget to subscribe ! ! : ) Hey ! Thanks for reading ! Let me know if you would like to hear about something in particular ! I would love to hear from you ! Email me at trueloveneverdies1998 @ gmail . com |
If anyone read my last post , you would know that Spyder had a case of cellulitis that was easily resolved using SMZ 's and bute to kick it in the butt . Memorial Day ( Monday , June 30th ) is when he was a bit off and had a little bit of a temperature ( but it was HOT and humid ) . I went to take a lesson , and he was a little stocked up . It was hot and he was in the shed , so I thought nothing of it . He was sound to walk so I got on , but he was a bit lame when trying to trot for me . It wasn 't bad , but I was worried about him so we got in touch with the vet . I hopped off and I took a lesson on another horse after giving him some meds so he could feel better . I went on a work trip , so the trainer / barn owner helped me with his medication . He was a worse the next day , even worse the next when I saw him ( much like a fire hose - no definition in the joints ) . I hosed him top to bottom , and he was enjoying the hose to cool off and relieve some of the inflammation . The vet had come out and giving him an injection of stronger antibiotics to kick it , as well . His legs were great by the weekend . I wasn 't sure how long to continue his meds so I contacted the vet , and 5 days was perfect for him . He was free from needing any more and looking great by Saturday , but he was quite the baby with them . After the meds , he wouldn 't eat anything . I know bute is bitter , but come on , Spyder , you love food ! After I gave him them , I would graze him and it would take him a while to eat again . He always makes it totally obvious that he doesn 't want to be bothered with medicine . It was a fun few days of catching him by bringing him carrots that he was only interested in when other horses would eat them first . He 'd hear them munching and I could grab his halter . I brought either a grain bucket or a carrot , and I got him each day - getting him to take any medication by day 2 is always an adventure because he was smart . He knew what you were doing , and he wanted no part of it . When I gave him the last dose of meds on Saturday ( his 9th birthday - HAPPY BIRTHDAY , SPYDER ) . I took the picture below with him , and he put his face in the corner of the stall because he didn 't want anything to do with medicine . He wouldn 't even eat a carrot , and I felt guilty that it seemed he hated his birthday when I wanted to make it special for him . He seemed to be really hot , though . Earlier in the day , I was at a bridal shower , and it was so insanely humid that you would sweat just sitting there so I don 't blame him . I believe I found him in the run in shed before I got him in the stall , and I could see he still had some of his winter coat . He didn 't shed out like I was used to seeing , so I got the hose on him to cool him off . I was glad that he was in the shed , and even happier to know that since the " lead " of the herd left , he was able to take back over and have his way with what he wanted in the paddock . He was playing with the hose and making me put it on his face like he loves . He always tries to drink from it and splashed everyone around . He really enjoyed that bath to cool off and I got a lot of additional hair off of him in preparation for more heat to come . The days are quite the blur with everything I 've had going on ( 3 weeks left of grad school ) , but I think it was Sunday ( now June 5th ) that I got a call he wasn 't eating his grain . There are a mother and daughter that feed , and the daughter noticed he was breathing heavy ( pony clubber and 4 - h ' er in the club I help lead ) . I got a call when I was out food shopping from the barn owner , but she advised me that her daughter was out there mowing and to call her because she wasn 't home . Again , Spyder , eat your food . The meds are over ! I knew it was hot , but there was a lot of rain coming so I was glad it would cool him off . I barn owner let me know that she was out there mowing around 5 or so and he was looking fine in the field . I was relieved to hear that , and with the rain on the way was glad he could cool off in the shed . Monday , I went to check on him after work because I was worried about him not eating . I wanted to make sure there was no grain in his bucket , but I did see a few crumbs left over which wasn 't like him . I wasn 't told that he didn 't eat , and when the feeder was asked , he said that he did eat which made me happy . I pulled him out of the field where he was hiding in the shed . He didn 't run so I knew he was glad the medicine was over . He came in , and he wouldn 't really do much . He didn 't want to eat carrots , he didn 't really want grain , and so I hosed him . He was his playful self in the water , and he was so thrilled that I bathed him . I grabbed his temp to make sure he was good , and I updated the vet with some information . His temp was good , so I was worried he was colicing . I took it again , and someone else helped me ( which it turns out I didn 't need , but he just stood in the round pen where I put him ) . Unlike the 3 people it usually takes to get the temp , he was compliant , so I knew something was off . He was picking at the grass around the round pen , though . That made me happy . I brought him water , and he drank the bucket I lifted to his face . The same mother and daughter came to feed , and I already had him out trying to graze him a bit . He was next to the bathing area hanging out with his paddock mate while he got a bath , he was jealous about the hose on him so I grabbed the hose from her in the middle of the bath and put some water on Spyder to cool him down . He was eating grass ( being picky , but he was ) , and he was dragging me around like he usually does . They came with his grain to feed when I had him out , and he was eating his grain slowly from the bucket . The mother that fed was worried because he wasn 't devouring it like he usually did , and she said that he would keep eating , even with colic , which is true . At this point , I was a bit worried . Spyder didn 't want to really walk any where quickly , but he was happy to go back in the field with his buddies . I put him back out because he seemed upset that it was feeding time , and he didn 't get to go snip out the buckets from the other horses like he was used to . I stayed to watch him walk past the other horses and right into the run in . I was upset that he didn 't drink any water , but I was happy that had a lot of grass . I stayed until 9pm or so and didn 't eat dinner because I was so worried about him , he looked like he was walking a bit stiff which worried me that the cellulitis wasn 't completely done . I woke up early on Tuesday to get there . I opened my eyes at 5am , and I popper right out of bed to get to the farm to check on him . I could hear him breathing heavy like he has been before I got there . I pet him , and he didn 't want to walk . I tried to pull him out of there , but he didn 't move all but a couple steps . At this point , I grabbed him some water ( because I don 't know if he would have walked to get some ) and a thermometer to get his temp . He was already shoving himself back in the corner , he didn 't move so I could get his temp which was good . Still , no temp . I didn 't believe it , so I took it again . He was still showing no temp . I tried to get him to walk again , but he didn 't want to , and he didn 't want water . Now , I was REALLY worried . I had already texted the vet with no answer , and so I called the emergency line . By now , the person that feeds most morning was there , and he always comes to him . None of the horses would come to him because they were all in the run in . He banged on the gate , and the 2 that were out came , but Spyder was behind . The vet didn 't answer , so I texted the barn owner who got ahold of her . She said it 'd be about an hour before she could get there , but she called me to say sorry and that I was next , and she was hurrying . I had to leave for work because I had a demonstration so I was upset I couldn 't be there , but happy she was on her way . I didn 't let the vet know that , though . I brought him in with the help of the feeder , and it was awful . He couldn 't really move , he was so stiff . He didn 't want to move . He tried his best , while the feeder led him , and I pushed his sides . Clicking and saying " walk , walk , cluck cluck , walk " the whole way . Spyder was still breathing heavy , but he made it . He went to his stall . I got him water , and I actually filled two buckets so they wouldn 't have to change it for me . He just stayed in the corner like he did on his birthday , but I went in and gave him carrots . He ate them , but he was chewing slow . He wouldn 't touch his grain . I was so upset , but I knew the vet was on her way . The barn owner was coming with a fan and he would get banamine soon . I wasn 't sure what the stiffness was , but I was thinking laminitis . Is this what the cellulitis turned in to ? Was he colicing ? I was panicked . He has some nasal discharge and was sneezing , so maybe he was getting something else ? The vet called me from the barn asking where I was . She was worried and let me know that she was thinking it was in his chest . If he had a tumor or something , it would have released protein which would have made his legs swell from the change . It would have also given him the pain that he was experiencing to walk . She told me that he needed to get to a vet hospital and that she wanted to see an ultrasound of his chest . I let her know that that was fine , and she told me that the barn owner was already getting the trailer to get him up there ( so I didn 't drive 30 minutes home and 30 mins back after hooking up the trailer ) . I was so thankful that she could arrange for that for me to get him up to Mid - Atlantic which is a two - hour drive . They had the facilities to get the ultrasound done and find out what it was . I spoke with the owner when she was on her way and thanked her because I didn 't want to let my job down . I wanted to be there , but I had a presentation . I couldn 't focus . I let the sales rep know that I had an emergency , and he sped through the demo for me . I was closing up what I had to get done ( Tuesday , June 7th at this point ) . I knew I had to travel for work later in the week so I wanted to work as much as I could in case I needed to get out of traveling . I powered through it all , and I called the hospital a few times for updates . First , they said that the Doctor would call , he didn 't . The barn owner wanted an update since she was waiting for him . They wouldn 't tell her anything . I called again , they said he was with him and that he 'd call . He didn 't . I called AGAIN and they said he would call in just 1 minute because she just saw him , and he said he would , and he didn 't . He got there around 12 : 30 - 1 so I wasn 't sure what was going on by 2 . At this point , I got in my car and drove . I told work I had to go because I needed answers . I went home , I contacted the barn owner and told her that she didn 't have to stay because they didn 't tell me anything . I was going to grab my trailer and try to keep calling them on my way . I didn 't know what to do , I couldn 't think . I texted Dom , and I asked her if she lived near the hospital , because I thought she did . She let me know she was 10 minutes away and that she could meet me there after work . She was out at 4 , and that was earlier than I could get there , so I appreciated that . She raced there after work , and by then , the doctor told me a little . I wasn 't even home to change or grab the trailer , I was almost there , but I made a wrong turn . I ended up in a parking lot at a store near our house , and it was this point that I knew I was losing it . I couldn 't even drive to my own house - what was wrong with me ? I hung up from the barn owner to take the vet call and he gave me a play by play of what happened . I told Dom I 'd call her when I knew more . I spoke to him in the parking lot and he gave me a play by play , so very calmly that it calmed me down . He gave me the chain of events . Spyder got there in the trailer , and he didn 't look so great . They said he wasn 't able to walk off so they blocked his legs . He walked himself into the exam room at this point , but he collapsed and they couldn 't get him up . They let me know he was really bad and they were trying right now to get him up so they could get him into a stall . The did some tests , but they only knew it was pain , possibly kidneys , and a calcium issue . I was heartbroken . I called the barn owner to update her as I drove home to get changed . I told her the update , and she said , " Jess , he was really bad . He was trembling , and they couldn 't even get him to walk off the trailer without shots in all of his legs . " I was happy that she didn 't upset me at work because she knew I had a presentation , and I can 't thank her enough for saving me from worrying hours sooner . I called Dom to rely that to her , and let her know I was 2 hours out , letting the dog out to pee , and changing . I got home , put the dog out , and went to change . I took off my dress pants and I stood in the closet crying . I was staring at all of my pants / bottoms . Jeans , sweatpants , yoga pants , running pants , leggins . I was literally staring at them - why couldn 't I put them on ? I was a wreck . I gave Dom play by play updates where I was . She called me when she was on her way . She was getting there 30 minutes of so before me . On the highway , she called me . I had to give them permission to tell her anything and let them know she could see him . She told me she was going to see him , and she texted me photos of him standing in a stall . I was so relieved that he was up . I was also upset that the Doctor didn 't update me . I was even more happy to know that Dom knew the doctor that was working on him . She knew him since she was 12 or so and was hoping to see him before I got there . She thinks that they probably just got him up and in a stall when she got there , and she let me know he was looking for food . This was a huge relief considering they told me it was so bad that I shouldn 't even go there because he was on the floor and not getting up . Dom came to the front when i pulled up and showed me where the office was when I got him . They wouldn 't let me past them until I confirmed by address ( which they did on the phone when I called the first time prior to telling me anything ) and made me fill out a credit card slip . I didn 't even read the form I signed and had no idea about costs or what they would keep doing or not doing because I didn 't consent to anything that I knew of . I realized when I left that night that I didn 't even sign the form . I went back to the stall , I looked at him , and I was heartbroken . He was on fluids to flush his kidneys and calcium because his levels were so low . He has icepacks on all 4 of his legs , so I new it was laminitis . The doctor mentioned that when I was on the phone with him , but I didn 't even really listen other than hearing he was on the ground . Dom even asked me the Doctor 's name prior to going and I said that I have no idea . I listened past that to get the update . It was hard to see him , he was showing a lot of weight loss . He was still breathing pretty heavy , but he was also heavily sedated . He did perk his ears when he saw me , and he was showing an interest in water . Since he was on the fluids , he was peeing a lot , and it seemed to be coming out well . It was clear , and I was happy to see him pee . It seemed like he was trying to pee on Monday and Tuesday when he was at the farm because he was dropped . I did tell the local vet that he was not holding himself up which was unusual for him - which is why I was SO very happy to see him pee . Everyone there seemed happy because it was clear , too . Dom knew two of the people that worked there , and Mike was coming to bring her some clothes since she came from the clinic . I didn 't care that Dom thought she smelled ( she didn 't ) , she gave me a big hug , knew the doctor , and knew employees . She kept me calm and even showed the people there a photo of what he looked like before looking like this . It was sad to see him , but he still wanted to eat and was munching on some hay . He was shifting his weight a lot , but he could move to get the hay . He could have comfort on the bedding they had for him , and I had comfort knowing he was at least somewhat comfortable . It was just hard to see him sedated and losing weight . The doctor spoke to me and said that he had some real concerns . He was unsure how his calcium levels were so low if his kidneys were so bad . He mentioned kidney disease and said that the ultrasound showed some abnormalities on them . He didn 't seem to say much about a prognosis , but he was doing his best with the information he had to figure it out . They ran another blood test on him and said they would get me the results before I left . We went up front and hung out , but we never heard anything . We went back into the barn and saw Spyder again , he got some new ice on his feet , and we talked with a few of the other horse owners we saw while checking out the other horses . I was so happy that he was here , Dom was close , and that she knew those that could keep me updated . I went back to Dom 's , we ordered dinner , and we fed her two boys , checked out Mike 's awesome woodshop , and relaxed . It was so nice of them to have me over , and I was so happy I got to meet Mike , see the puppies , and try to forget about the stress . Their place will do that to you . . . it 's beautiful . I left knowing that I had real support here , they both felt for me and offered their support and caring . Dom was already reading up on kidney issues so that she could understand what may have caused this . I drove home , and I was hopeful that I would get better news the next day . I was able to sleep knowing that he seemed comfortable and was eating ( but I spent so much tears the way there and back still ) . I went to work on Tuesday , and I let them know I was waiting on the vet to call with an update because they ran the blood work . The vet from the hospital called and said that his kidney levels were better , but he was still in so much pain . He didn 't say a whole lot , but he did ask if I was visiting . It wasn 't until I hung up that I realized maybe he wanted to tell me something in person . He mentioned severe kidney issues , and I straight up asked what the prognosis would be . He said best case , a comfortable pasture pet , but he didn 't know if was fit to be comfortable with both the kidney disease and laminitis . He said kidney issues are not good for horses . In not wanting to hear that , I asked if he could be ridden again - yes , I sounded like a crazy person , but I needed to hear it in some other term . He said that he could not see him being ridden or used as he was before , could only hope to ease his pain ( and said again that he was on a lot of it and had a bad night ) , and it would be a long road to recovery , if he would even recover and that he could not see him getting in a trailer any time soon . At this point , I didn 't know what to think . I got off the phone , and I knew what it meant . It just wasn 't processing . At this point , I let Dom know that I was headed back up there . I let the standardbred facility where I adopted him from know what was going on , and the founder said to call her . I spoke to her , and she let me know that it wouldn 't be easy , and I gave her the whole story of how this was simple cellulitis on the Monday before , and now Wednesday , a week and a half later , it 's this . She was comforting in letting me know that I did everything I could have done and confirmed what I already knew , but didn 't yet admit . I spoke with work , and I was on my way out . I called the local vet and left a message for her to call me back . I didn 't hear back so I texted her . I again went home to change , and I let the dog out . I was sobbing . Literally sobbing . The dog was so upset and scared that he curled his tail under and ran away from me . I let him out back , and he was afraid to come back in . He was just as upset as I was that life was like this for me . I headed out and realized I was forgetting carrots so I stopped at a store on the way up to buy a bag . I knew it would be Spyder 's last bag . He loved them so I went in to the grocery store and took a deep breath . I thought I was OK , but I cried in line , during checkout , and the whole way to the hospital . I was patiently waiting for the local vet to call when I saw I got a voicemail from her . I was upset my phone didn 't ring , but she instructed me to call her right back . She was also so helpful in this process and left me a very long message the night before letting me know that she was there for me and Spyder was lucky to have me to get him to the hospital as soon as he did . Others would not have given him a shot , and she comforted me knowing that I was giving him just that . I pulled over before I called her back because I knew what she would say . I let her know that whatever she said , I knew what I had to do . She was so very happy that I was willing to listen , and let me know that she spoke with the vet at the hospital . He was very concerned and she let me know that the medication he was on was serious stuff . He wasn 't going to be much of a horse without prolonged medication , and he couldn 't be on many drugs because of the kidney issue . She explained it to me using smaller animals as the example . You could take a dog or cat to the vet to get fluids in them to keep them going , but a horse wasn 't so easy . The vet explained his levels to her , and they were both surprised he made it to the hospital alive . She explained to me that he was an incredible animal . He taught her so much and she thanked me for giving her the opportunity to work with him . She let me know that he wasn 't easy and he always had her researching things because he was so different than other cases for anything he had going on . She let me know that he was so very strong and he hid what he had all along . She mentioned that the other doctor asked her what he should do - as far as continuing to try to help him or to take the pain away . She let him know that he knew the answer to that and he thanked her . I cried like a baby to the vet . Hearing that made it more real . I knew what would be in his best interest leaving work , but I knew that I needed to hear it from her to come to terms with everything . I got back on the road and got to the hospital . On the way , I let Dom know what was going to happen , and she met me there . I got there before her , and the office was closed . No one in the office knew what was going on , but I let them know that I was there to be with Spyder when he was freed from his pain . Since they didn 't know what was going on , they made some phone calls , did some paging , and told me to visit Spyder . I went back to his stall and advised Dom to meet me there because they said she could go right back . I walked to his stall , and I saw him on so many more bags of various things than before . He was visibly skinnier , having a hard time breathing , and shifting his weight . He didn 't perk up too much to see me , but I think the drugs made him unable to do much . He was tied to the window so he didn 't drop his head , and he was not eating his hay which was at his face . I didn 't even open the stall . I stared at him . He stared at me , sad , depressed , hurting , and unknowing to the challenges we were both facing . I walked past his stall without going in and saw Dom at the end of the barn with Mike . I instantly walked towards her and she greeting me with a hug . I was crying , it was awful . This was it . We both walked to the stall , and Dom 's strength helped me get in there with the carrots I got him on the way . He was happier to be pet by both of us , and we both knew that he was worse than the night before . He was on DMSO and a few other things , and he was totally out of it . He grabbed the carrots I gave him , but he could hardly chew them . It was heartbreaking . It was not the Spyder I remember and it 's not the Spyder I wanted to see . I wanted to see him better . I wanted to do everything I could to make it right . I wanted to do something , and there was nothing I could do . I was hopeless . I needed to ease his pain . I went back to the office to try to take my mind off of the horrible condition I saw my best friend in . I asked the girl at the desk when the doctor was going to call me , because she said that he would when he got somewhere ( he was out ) . She advised him that I needed to speak to someone because I pressed the situation . The doctor finally called . I answered , and he asked me if I spoke with the local vet . I told him that I did , and I knew what I had to do . He let me know that Spyder had a bad night and that the medicine he was on was very serious . It was only keeping him comfortable , but he was feeling the pain . I knew , I could see it . He advised me that he was out and asked what my plans were . I told him I had a flight to catch for work , and that I didn 't want to see him like this . He advised me that I spend time with him while he sorted it out , but I told him that I needed someone to be there sooner rather than later because it was hard to spend time with a horse that I no longer knew . He was raising his head up due to pain and his muscles were flinching . He was hunching his back and dribbling urine on himself . This wasn 't Spyder . Spyder was healthy , happy , young , full of life . happy to see me , and always eating . He told me that he would find someone and make the calls . I cried talking to the vet , and Dom was so nice to hug me and keep strong for me . I felt so weak . They came up to tell me that they were getting everything ready and advised me that it would be better if I wasn 't there for it . They explained that it 's not really safe to be there , and the doctor arranged for everything to happen in the stall . It had to be there , as Spyder couldn 't walk out of it . I went back out there with Dom and Mike to say goodbye . I brought the carrots with me , and he looked better than he did from the last trip to the stall . His ears went up , he looked better , and he looked more comfortable . He ate a few more carrots that we fed both fed him , and he was so happy that we were there , petting him , rubbing his neck , I pet his face and I rubbed under his head like he loved . He usually put his head down when I did that , but he couldn 't since he was tied . I was happy knowing that he was happy and that this is what he 'd remember . He 'd remember the people that cared for him , the people that taught him things , the people that gave him a good home and loved him . He wouldn 't remember this pain in a short while . They switched his medicine over to a sedative and I didn 't look back on my way out , I couldn 't . I was asked if I would like his tail , and I smiled and said that it was something I couldn 't go without . His tail was perfect , he was perfect . Everyone said how great his tail was , and I knew how great he was . I headed back up to the office until they came to get me . I went back to his stall when they got me . I could see that he was at peace . He looked like the Spyder that I knew , resting and sunbathing on a nice day in the field . He looked happy . He looked calm . He looked like he was no longer in pain , and I wish I could feel the same way . I looked to Dom and I even said , " He looks better here and now , just like this . This is a much better way to see him than how he was . " I could never imagine in a million years that I would have to say goodbye so soon . The person that Dom knew that worked there let me know that I did the right thing as she cried right next to me . She let me know that she heard he had a bad night and told me about another horse with a similar situation that was in pain for a while and was put down . She let me know that she was so sorry and that there was nothing I could have done to change it . She was so hurt , and she handed me his beautifully braided tail along with his halter . She and the other person that were there let me know that he went down easy . He was no longer fighting this disease that he hid so well . I am so glad that we got to enjoy every moment together until the very end . I pet him to let him know I was still there . I didn 't want to leave him . I wish I could have been there for him more , and I wish it were different . I wish there were something else I could have done . He was such a great horse . He was always there for me , through homes , a wedding , grad school , hunter paces , shows , jumps in the ring , cantering on the track , breaking my finger because deer are scary , spooking at stumps , rearing in the field , ribbons , smiles , blood , tears , happiness , sadness , hard work , fun , frustration , defeat , lessons , and so much more . He was a once in a life time horse that taught me so much about life . He taught me love , dedication , and persistence . He taught me that being strong on the outside didn 't mean that you were always OK on the inside . You should always be appreciate and accepting of others , even with their issues and attitude because you never know what internal battle they are fighting . You never know how long you will get with anyone or anything in your life and you should appreciate every minute you have because you will never know when it will be taken away from you . Life isn 't fair , but it happens . It happens to change you and to make you realize that you are stronger than you think . You can do more than what you could ever imagine and you can care for a living creature so much that you would rather anything else in the world to take that pain away . I will always remember the memories I had with Spyder . He gave me his all . He was so strong and never showed any signs of weakness . He was a warrior , and I hope that this experience makes me 1 / 100 of the warrior he was . I could not thank Dom enough for taking time out of her days to be there for me and to keep me from crying . She is the person that brought Spyder to me , and I am so glad that she was there for me until the end . It was an honor and relief to have her there with me - thank you for being so strong . I cannot thank my husband enough for sticking through all of this with me and comforting me even though it seemed impossible . If it weren 't for him , I wouldn 't have even given Spyder the chance . I would have given up way before I should have . He was always a challenging animal and Dom showed me his full potential . Chris convinced me that his check ligament injury was only a small setback from our huge pool of potential and told me that the hard would would pay off in the end . He was always supportive in my lessons , my events , my trailer , tack purchases , etc . Having Spyder was truly the greatest joy of so many days that I spent at the barn . I have to thank the barn owners for trailering him up there , always helping when the vet would call , and helping me out along the way . Both the local vet and Mid - Atlantic were so comforting and did everything they could to keep Spyder comfortable . The farrier even reached out to see what he could do and wondered if he could find out the rotation of the bone to potentially work on his feet and make him better . SRF 's founder was comforting and even followed up today to let me know that she spoke with the vet at the hospital ( her husband is a vet and knows the vet that worked with Spyder ) . She comforted me in letting me know that it wasn 't something poisonous . It was something that he hid from us and let me know that I did the right thing for him . The vet showed her where he got off the trailer and where he had to walk and let her know that he couldn 't do it . It wasn 't in him , he was so strong and he did everything he could to please me until the very end . I am not sure that 's everything as I wrote this in a few different sessions . I probably forgot a lot , but I wanted to get it all out so that I could share my story . As much as I don 't want to remember it , I know that I will look back and see what it taught me , just as my hard times trying to figure him out did . Don 't ever feel like you have failed because that pain is the worst of all . I know that I did all that I could , but I feel like I still failed . I feel like I am so weak . I feel like I could have done more , and I wish I could have him back . He was my world , and he will never be forgotten . I am sorry ( if you could get this far ) if I have made you cry . I just thought it would be easiest to share what I am so that I can find some closure and ease the emotions . As I sit here with a wet keyboard , I 'm not sure that 's what I did for myself , but I can at least recall my emotions and remember his story . I started it from the beginning , and I will end it with his memory . If you have any questions , feel free to reach out . I realize the support system that I have is so great , and the team Spyder had behind him was incredible . |
My family was on vacation . At that time there were six of us children . Add my parents and my grandmother to the car and our station wagon was full . We were to spend one week with my mother ; s oldest sister and her family in West Virginia and another with my father 's youngest brother and his family in Tennessee . My uncle was a coal miner . Their house was halfway up a bare hill owned by the mines . Which meant the house was also owned by the mines . I have no idea what type of rental agreement there was . Most of us slept upstairs . The upstairs was one large room . The boys slept on one side and the girls slept on the other . It was all open so the boys teased us all night and the girls picked back at them . Rather than leave us on our own Aunt Goldie came to oversee our behavior . Aunt Goldie was my uncle 's sister . She was a little strange to be nice about it . For those who do not know Lawrence Welk was a Big Band leader . He was known for his " Champagne Music " and bubbles floating across his stage for some songs . He also had dancers and singers on his weekly show . The night that Aunt Goldie was with us she kicked us all out of the living room so she could watch Lawrence Welk . We satisfied ourselves with some toast and cocoa . And sneaking peaks at Aunt Goldie . She really became engrossed with that program . when she grabbed a broom and started to dance around the room and up onto the furniture we lost it . We were all laughing so hard . Naturally Aunt Goldie was not happy with us and let us know . For some reason Aunt Goldie went outside . We locked the door . While she banged on the door we sent someone upstairs to lock the door which was the other door leading outside . In the meantime Aunt Goldie saw that the kitchen window was open . To get in would require great athletic ability because it was high from the ground but she went there anyway . When we saw what she had in mind we ran over and closed it . My oldest cousin was holding it down so she could not open it . He was stronger than she was . When our parents came home Aunt Goldie immediately told them what bad children they had . She told them how terribly we had treated her . And SHE TOLD THEM WE BROKE THAT WINDOW ! My son who is in prison has been granted his parole . He will be moved to a halfway house the end of the summer . Then he will be coming here . Most parole hearings are not like you see on TV or read about in the news . They are more like meetings of the parole board . Often the prisoner is not included . The board decides whether the minimum amount of time is served according to the original sentence . They figure in " good " time meaning allowances for good behavior . Any fights or infractions of rules that are on the record are considered . They need to check criminal backgrounds of each person residing there . The house is inspected . They want to see where the parolee will sleep , etc . They also need to make sure no weapons or contraband are on the premises . Once the parole board reaches its decision the prisoner is notified in writing . If he is to be paroled he is happy and excited . Then he sits and waits to be informed as to when . He is busy getting paperwork together for the things he will need to take care of when he comes home . A drivers license will be important because he will need identification . So he will need proof of who he is and where he lives to get that . Others things will need to be taken care of when he gets here . When I am out driving and I pass someone mowing along side the road I inhale deeply . It is a clean sweet aroma . And it always sets me to thinking about lawn mowing experiences . When I was small everyone had push mowers . A push mower had curved blades fastened around an axle on the mower . There were two wheels outside of the blades and a long shaft that led up to the handle bars . To operate a push mower you simply pushed the machine forward . The blades rotated and cut the grass . The best way to do it was to thrust forward then pull back a bit then thrust forward again . Even with nice sharp blades some of the grass would escape the first thrust . Then my grandmother got a gas powered mower . It was a nice shiny red machine . It was started by pulling a rope that had been wrapped around a pulley that connected to the motor . Usually it took a couple of tries before it started . It was fun to watch Daddy and my brothers mowing Grandma 's lawn . Actually it was quite an event . My youngest sister was afraid of all noises but she liked to watch the mower . In another town the boy across the street from us used the power mower to mow his family 's lawn . He was my brother 's age . His older sister was my age . One day the boy was barefoot and mowing the lawn . He hit a hidden piece of glass . It shot out from under the mower and cut off his big toe . It reminded everyone in town to wear shoes while mowing the lawn . Other than forever missing his toe he was fine . My parents had gone into the big town to shop for groceries . They took the little kids with them . I was off with my friends . Two of my brothers were home . They were supposed to mow the lawn . Power mowers took a mixture of gasoline and motor oil as fuel . My brothers had discovered the fun of putting gas into an empty tuna can and lighting it on fire . Then they would toss it and watch the gas burn . My brother 's arm was badly burned . The attendant drove my brother to the doctor 's office . I happened to be walking in front of the doctor 's house which doubled as an office when they pulled up . The blisters on my brother 's arms had already broken open leaving raw skin exposed and he was in real pain . He was lucky that there was no scarring . But he was in a lot of pain for a few days . Both brothers learned not to play with fire . Last summer I hired a couple of young men to do some yard work for me . I needed some small trees trimmed and some weeds cut . They would also mow the lawn . I am still not sure what happened . The young men mentioned nothing . When I paid them I had to ask them to return my push broom that they " accidentally " loaded into their vehicle . My son turned and looked . The rear window of my SUV was crumbling . We later found a rock that must have been thrown up by their lawn mower and through the window . It turned into the most expensive yard work I ever had done . I realized I have not said anything about my sister in a while . I suppose once the danger of losing her was over I relaxed . Just as she does I take each day as a step forward . My sister had a stroke more than a year ago . It was a serious stroke . She had many difficulties resulting from it . I will now report on her progress . She had to have surgery to replace the piece of her skull they removed to ease pressure from the swelling of her brain . Needless to say the swelling went down . The surgery was also successful . There is also intensive physical therapy . My sister is so frustrated because her left arm and leg are still not moving . She is determined to walk again . Knowing my sister I am sure she will . She is sick of being confined to either a chair or a wheelchair . And she is sick of having to have people wait on her . ( I never thought that would happen . My sister is even more self - centered than I am . ) She called me a few minutes ago . Her speech is completely normal but I can hear her tiring as the conversation gets longer . It is so good to be able to call her and have her call me . For a while she was difficult to understand and her thoughts would wander as we talked . She did say that she wished her hand / eye coordination was better . She used to do a lot of sewing . I wish there was someone who could help her do some sewing one - handed . Maybe she would enjoy that . Any suggestions are welcome . My sister knows she will probably not be able to return to work . She has begun the process of filing for Social Security . She will get about $ 100 more a month if she takes the disability so that is what she is trying for . A rotten way to spend her 65th year . Once the Plains States were home to Native American tribes . The area where I later lived and where I live now were inhabited by tribes of the Great Sioux Nation . Lakota , Ponca , Shawnee , Pawnee , Omaha , Santee , Kiowa , Osage , Kansas , Quapaw , Winnebago , Otoe . Those are only a few . The Louisiana Purchase opened the lands west of the Mississippi River for white traders , trappers , and explorers . Most were men who stayed in one area . Many married Native American women and were accepted by the tribal leaders . The small town I live in is the western - most town in Iowa . It was originally platted in 1856 . Most of the people who hoped to live here abandoned their homes due to Indian uprisings . In 1877 the present town was platted . It is on the northern edge of the Loess Hills . Most of the town is nestled in the shadow of one of the hills . The opposite border is the Big Sioux River . On the southern side is Broken Kettle Creek just at the end of my street . The opposite border is the Westfield Creek . Today we still have a post office in spite of attempts to close it . There is one church . There is a bar that also serves a limited menu . And we have a gas station . One of the biggest scandals in town was when the bank was robed in broad daylight . The robbers were captured and put in jail . Then they escaped . There was gunfire from both sides . The sheriff and his son were both wounded . The sheriff 's wife was knocked out by a blow to the back of her head . The son died a few days later from his injuries . There is a railroad that was completed in 1874 . It is directly across the highway today . The grain elevators take in and deposit grain to train cars . I can hear them running when they are working . There were stage lines running between towns . Unfortunately because the trips were so small not many records are available now . Before open pit sand mines there were sand mines dug in the area . Most were not very successful but at least one operated well for a while . Unfortunately it ran up under what is now the highway and has caused some problems over the years . I think they have finally found a permanent repair . The sand was often used for laying a foundation for a building . In those days trees were not plentiful on the prairies . No wooden houses here . Stone and brick were much too expensive for most people . So they used what was available . The prairies have always been known for their grasses . One and a half to two and a half acres of prairie grass could be used to build a fine sod house . There is coal in the area . Attempts to find profitable coal mines were not successful and often led to disastrous results . One disaster was the mine being dug when suddenly they struck water . The water quickly filled the mine . Being industrious the miners decided to sell the water instead . As i said there are small coal deposits in the area especially around Broken Kettle Creek . Some farmers had small amounts to burn . The main problem there is that the coal is not of good quality and not really worth the trouble of digging it out . Very near here was the largest cottonwood tree in Iowa . It measured over 29 feet in circumference and was over 100 feet tall . Lightning struck the tree and destroyed it . The prairie grasses that I mentioned earlier looked almost like an ocean to someone looking out over it . Wind caused ripples that resembled waves of water . The grasses could be anywhere from 1 foot to 7 feet tall . But those grasses offered no shelter from the wind . We have the normal animal life in this area . Coyotes , chipmunks , birds , deer . There are too many to list . During warm weather the pests like ants , mosquitoes , and boxelder bugs drive us crazy . Our town is known to be home to prairie rattlesnakes . I have not seen any although I have seen garden snakes . Bison roamed free here until the white settlers both killed them for food and hides and drove them out . About five miles from my town is The Broken Kettle Grasslands Preserve . Prairie grasses grow free with no one trying to wipe them out to clear land for farming . Also in the preserve is a large herd of American Bison . They roam free within the confines of the preserve . The rattlesnakes are plentiful there as well as a lot of other animals that are in danger if found outside the preserve . Our high school was established in 1910 . It was the first Township High School in the United States . Alas the last school building sits empty . School consolidation has our children being bused to our neighboring town . It is only 5 miles . But our building does not look too old . It was sold on the internet for very little money and the new owner is not happy with his purchase . Sad . There are more trees now . Cedar trees especially have taken over . They are an invasive species here but they are pretty . My town is the northern boundary of the mulberry tree . We are supposedly the home of Jack Smurch . Mr Smurch was the main character in " The Greatest Man In The World " a short story by James Thurber . In the story set in 1937 Jack Smurch flies a monoplane around the world without any stops . We are a small small town . The 2010 census says we have 132 people living here . About 1 / 3 of those people are children . It is so quiet here . Except for those days when the bikers visit the bar there is little noise at all . For a retired person that is perfect . We can tell if we are a little late feeding my son 's dog . She begins to loudly wail , " Ooooooo " . It sounds for all the world like she is saying fooooooood . Once he feeds her she is happy again . We all sat at the table to eat . I served my son and put his plate in front of him . He was sitting in a high chair but without the tray on it so he was at the table with us . My husband had filled his plate with a nice healthy portion of everything and was preparing to dig in . My brother was in his high chair . He was so very tired . But he loved cake . Mom put his cake and ice cream on the tray of his high chair and he went at it . But he was so tired . My brother needed to be cleaned up and put to bed but he wanted to finish his cake first . Mom looked up at him and he was sitting there trying to keep his eyes open . He was too tired to chew . So he just put the cake in his mouth and tried to poke it down his throat with his fingers . My third son was a good eater . But he had a weird way of eating . I would put him in his high chair and give him his food . My son would take a nice handful of food and run it through his hair . Apparently if his hair liked it he would eat it . His hair liked everything . My youngest brother was an extremely fussy eater . There was not much that he would eat . He did not like hot dogs for instance . But he loved to wrap them tightly in aluminum foil whenever we barbecued . Then he would toss them onto the charcoal . As the hot dog heated and expanded it would cause the whole package to explode . What my brother took to school for lunch ( no school lunch for him ) was a sandwich . The sandwich consisted of one leaf of lettuce and two slices of bread . Nothing else . My oldest brother was a year younger than I was . One day my mother heard him crying and making choking noises . She ran into the kitchen to check on him . Mom saw my brother in his chair with maggots running from his mouth . I was busy playing " Mommy " with a jar of baby food I had pulled from the trash . It was full of maggots and I was shoving it into his mouth . I was a good big sister . I had my own idiosyncrasies . I loved tomato soup . It was a good lunch for me and Mom fed it to me often . But I would have nothing to do with ketchup . Then I changed my mind . I would not eat tomato soup but I did like ketchup . But if Mom told me it was ketchup soup I ate it all . My oldest son still does not like different foods touching each other on his plate . He wants his meat here , potatoes over here , and vegetable over there . He is close to 50 years old now . At least he can take care of the placement of his food all by himself . I was playing cards with friends one day when my son wadded up his bread . One woman said , " Emma ! He 's choking ! " I looked at him and said . " So he is . " He spit the wadded bread out of his mouth and I picked it up and threw it away . If we went out for breakfast he ordered pancakes . Not low carb you say ? He did not want syrup , butter , or jam on them . He would take each pancake and peel it open . Then he would eat the doughy center and leave the rest . My father liked what was strange food as far as we were concerned . He loved oyster soup . I thought it looked icky . He liked pickled pigs feet . They also looked icky . Children rely on the look of foods . My father 's favorite treat was pickled herring . Living in Nebraska it was not something he could get often and it was quite expensive . It came in round tins . It looked like one long flat icky thing to us . I remember him chasing us through the house one time trying to get us to try it . We were screaming . " Ew , ew " . He was laughing with glee . Did you know that humans are born with a fear ? It is the fear of falling . That is one reason a baby flails around if it does not feel properly supported . For myself I have never gotten over the fear of falling . I can climb a tree ( or could when I was younger ) and feel perfectly safe . I feel like there is a sound base beneath me . But being up high and feeling as if there is no safety net to catch me makes me afraid . That is the reason I do not ride carnival rides . I come to the top of the Ferris wheel for instance and look out at the scenery all around . But what happened to the contraption I am on ? I see nothing . I panic . There is a slight fear when being confronted with a new situation . When changing schools you wonder if anyone will like you and whether you will fit in with others . I did that a lot when I was growing up . It never gets easier . Some fears make us be a little more careful . Since being in a terrible car accident a few years ago I am very aware of the cars behind me . Not everyone pays attention as they should so it is up to me to watch for them . As I am getting older I must admit that I see my mortality . Death is closer and closer . I have already lived a longer life than either of my parents . Two of my younger brothers are dead . I know I will not live forever and I feel good at this point . But the certainty of death is present . I fear it a little simply because it is an unknown . I suppose the best I wish for is that my death will be quick and painless . Not to be able to see is to me the worst debility there could be . No more watching movies or television . No looking into the faces of others . Not being able to curl up with a good book . Not being able to drive . I would be truly unhappy . Freddy had a glove on one hand . Out of the glove came these long blades that he used to mangle the teenagers to death . My children loved those movies . My oldest son worked in a machine shop . He took pieces of scrap metal and fashioned them into blades like those of Freddy Kruger . He fastened them to a work glove . The main purpose was to terrify the smaller children in the family . One weekend there were several of the smaller children at my house . My daughter was not working that day . She decided to don the glove and wave it around . As she was waving her gloved hand wildly she accidentally brushed the sharp blades against her thigh . It was common for young boys to own BB guns when I was a child . My brothers must have been about 7 and 8 when they each received a BB gun from Santa for Christmas . They had to wait for warmer weather before they could take them out and shoot them . My sister was wearing one of those little sunsuits that were so popular for little girls during the fifties . That meant there was a lot of exposed skin . I ran and grabbed her and took her into the house so Mom could take care of her . I have no idea who started shooting rubber bands . I wanted no part of it . It hurts to be hit by those things and I did not want to hurt or be hurt . So I was left alone thank goodness . The shooting went on for several weeks . If the night store manager came in they would shoot him and he would shoot back . Even security personnel who would come in took part . I stayed out of it . Then came the night when the night manager came into the office . I think he had a bit of a crush on one of the women working in there . He took a rubber band and shot it at her just as she turned to face him . The manager was devastated by what happened . The woman that was hit was in a lot of pain but thankfully not seriously injured . The best thing to come of that was that was the last rubber band that was used as a weapon . My husband no longer lived at home . He would come over periodically when he and his new companion were arguing and he would decide that we should get back together . It was not going to happen . But the children loved seeing their father . Once when he was leaving after an attempt to come home my daughter was on her roller skates . She decided to race his car to the corner of the block . He had no idea she was doing it . Just as she reached the corner on the sidewalk she hit a rock and fell . She landed on her chin and split it open . It took three stitches to close . My friend was going through her sister 's closet and came out wearing a nice silk blouse . She felt very grown up I am sure . She decided we would walk through town so people could see her in the height of fashion . It was a tiny town so we would be back in plenty of time for her to change and her sister would never know the difference . For some reason we ended taking a bicycle . First I rode the handlebars while she pedaled the bike . Then she decided she would be noticed more if she was on the handlebars . So I pedaled . We were living in a small town in Tennessee . My husband was a truck driver and we only saw him on weekends . Si I was alone with my four children . We had a lot of fun . We would go to the state park often . The children could wade in a shallow part of the river . Actually it was more like a brook there . We would cook out there too . And we went other places just to keep ative . The vehicle we traveled in was an old pickup truck . I had a routine to get the kids in the truck . The two older boys went first . My oldest son sat by the door and my second son sat in the middle . Then my second son held my third son on his lap and my oldest son held my daughter on his lap . I guess I should mention that the two little ones were babies . So I was turning the corner to go to our house . Suddenly my daughter came flying into my sons in the middle as the door flew open and my oldest son fell out . He had tossed his sister to try to keep her safe as he was falling . My son landed on his face as was up and running by the time I got the truck stopped . Luckily he had scraped his face just under his nose but there were no other injuries . He insisted on wearing a bandaid under his nose for several days until it healed . My children were a little older . We still had the old pickup . For some reason my second son was sitting next to the door that day . My daughter was on his lap . She was about 2 or 3 then . He slammed the door shut . My daughter screamed . I saw that her hand was shut in the door . I very calmly looked at my son who had a confused look on his face . I quietly said , " Open the door . " He looked at me for several seconds before it dawned on him that her hand was in the door . My sister decided she wanted to higher . Higher . Higher . I did know enough to push the chains instead of my sister 's back . I pushed and pushed until she was going very high . She wanted higher . I gave a mighty push . My sister flew from the swing and landed on the ground . She had the breath knocked out of her but was otherwise not hurt . Shortly after she learned to make herelf go . We had a windy winter . There were several big snowstorms . But overall it was not too cold . It was certainly not a mild winter but it was not a bad winter either . Often we had to walk to school in snow up to our knees . There was one time that there was deep deep snow overnight . School was not called off so we decided to trudge all that way . Our school was on the opposite corner of town from our house . Mom gave us the option of staying home but school was much more fun . Against her better judgement she allowed the youngest of us to go too . My brother was in kindergarten and barely 5 years old . We dressed as warmly as we could and set off for school . My aunt and uncles joined us when we passed their house . The snow was as high as the middle of my thighs . By the time we were a few blocks from school my youngest brother was in tears . He was being snowed under . My uncle picked him up and carried him the rest of the way . Naturally by the time we got to school we were all soaked and cold . As we were warming ourselves the teachers and administrators looked around and there were very few students who came to school that day . They decided it was not worth it to keep the school open so they closed school for the rest of the day . At least someone came to pick us up from school so we did not have to slog through the snow to get home ( where we promptly went out to play in the snow ) . One house we lived in did not have a basement ; only a crawl space . One really cold winter our pipes kept freezing . Daddy would have to bundle up and crawl under the house in that freeing cold . He took a blow torch to thaw the water so it would run again . During the winter cold the pump would often freeze . We had to make sure there was hot water to take with us to prime the pump . The hot water melted the ice in the works and allowed the well water to pump up like it should . Even if the pump was not frozen it was a cold job . Filling a 5 gallon bucket took a few minutes and they were cold long minutes . And if we had to have enough water for baths . . . well refills were the order of the day . Then it was really a cold job . Some memories are warm . There was probably nothing warmer than spending the night at my grandparents ' farm . Grandma had soft feather beds and heavy homemade quilts on every bed . Squiggling down into bed ( especially if we had warmed it with warm rocks first ) was heavenly . Most of our houses had a heating stove in the living room . We would wake up in the morning to icy windows in our rooms . We would grab our clothes for the day and rush down the stairs to stand next to the heating stove to dress . There was little need for modesty . We were all trying not to freeze to death as we quickly changed clothes . One house we lived in was on the edge of town . Actually most houses when we lived in town were on the edge of town . Anyway we had several outbuildings ( including the dreaded outhouse ) . The chicken coop was in sad shape . The wooden floor was set up from the ground . There were wide cracks between the floor boards . We had not lived there long enough to make the necessary repairs . It was a cold cold winter that year . The chickens would get so cold they would purposely put their legs down between the cracks of the floor trying to keep their legs warm . It not only did not work it caused even greater problems . Rats saw fresh chicken meat hanging down . They would run up and chew the chickens legs off . The chickens did not raise an alarm because their legs were frozen and they could not feel what was happening . We had a bunch of legless or one - legged chickens in that coop . Not many of them died . So winter is over . The temperatures are up and down here but I can live with that . I have indoor plumbing . That means NO OUTHOUSE and running water inside . The furnace heats the whole house so my bedroom is comfortable . I actually put the air conditioner in the window last week . I do not need it most days but I am glad to have when I do . |
Born with radial paralysis in his right front leg , a benched left front leg , a curved spine , and a slipping knee cap in his rear right leg , Amos made his way about life with an interesting skip , drag , walk . Amos also had personality . In a BIG way . The breeder saw it , and despite what the vet said , he did not have Amos put down . Despite his physical deformities , Amos knew no limitations . He was extremely agile , and ran just as fast as any Jack . He could hop up onto a dining room chair better than his sister , Riley , to clear a plate full of food so fast , you barely had time to blink . There was no accident in having Amos in our lives . My husband and I were out for a drive in the country with our 2 year old female Jack Russell . Her name is Riley . We came upon the breeder we got Riley from , and stopped in to show what proud parents we had become . We were greeted not by the breeder , but by Amos . At 4 months old , his character was complete . He barked , cajoled , protected , grinned , and ultimately deemed us worthy to be on the property . Riley was smitten . This said alot , because being a Jack , you all know that it 's always black or white . Jack 's either love other dogs , or they just simply don 't . My husband , myself and Riley fell in love with Amos instantly , but not before he fell in love with us first . That afternoon , what had started as a " stop - in " visit , turned into three hours of talk and Jack Russell stories . Amos wasn 't for sale . Allen was too much in love with Amos , as were his two young daughters . We left late that afternoon , with a roll of pictures of Riley and Amos , my husband and I holding him , snuggling him , LOVING him . Amos had a firm " paw - hold " on our hearts . Two months later , we received a call from the breeder . Allen knew that although he loved Amos with all his heart , that the little dog , with all of his deformities , would not last long living on a fast pace farm . He wouldn 't get the care and attention he so richly deserved . The breeder asked us if we were still interested in the crippled little dog with a huge personality . We picked up Amos two days later . He and Riley had a joyous reunion , and resumed what was to be the most beautiful , loving relationship between two dogs I have ever seen . We didn 't know at that time , but they were brother and sister , only a litter apart . Amos came into our lives and changed them forever . We had a memoriam printed in the Toronto Sun , on November 27 , 2001 . It reads as follows " Well , Amos figured if Mummy or Daddy let you into HIS home , then you were fair game to be loved . And if you didn 't succumb to his outlandishness , he 'd just continue to work his magic until you DID love him . No one every left HIS home without loving him . He worked his magic to make a man get in touch with his feelings and cry for the first time in 30yrs . That man was his " daddy " , who is now my ex - husband . But Amos ' passing allowed my ex to cry and talk about things he 'd never talked to me about when we were together . My ex and I continue to work on a new " friendship " . . . . Amos ' passing brought an estranged father and his daughter together to share about things they 'd dared never speak of in almost 42yrs . Amos only lived for 10 . 5 years . He came into our lives so quickly , and left just as fast , like a shooting star , but one always remembered . It took one little dogs birth , life and death to build so many bridges back to so many humans . This is my memorial , my testimonial to a little crippled dog who wasn 't supposed to live , but DID . . . . And I must tell you all , Amos lived the high life for 10 . 5 years , and was loved , coddled , cuddled , snuggled , kissed , and generally spoiled all - round rotten from the moment we ever laid eyes on him . We are bereft without him . Please visit Amos ' memorial site at www . rainbowsridge . com / residents / Amos001 / resident . HTM My little Jack Russell was called Soapy . He was named after his mom . He was the most beautiful dog on earth , with two brown spots on his back and a brown head . He always smiled when he saw me coming to feed him , like a sneeze . He was 13 years old in human years when he died . He had cancer in his stomach . He knew I was upset when my friend Vicky died because he came over to my side and nudged himself into my arms . I cried for hours before and after I had him put down . It would have been cruel to keep him alive if he couldn 't even walk . I kept his teddy and it comes with me everywhere to remind me of him . One christmas I won a talent competition and I got a box of chocolates . I left them under the tree one night nad I noticed Sopay wasn 't in his basket . I heard a crunching sound from under the tree and I found Soapy munching away at my box of Chocolates ! He had opened them with his nose . At least he left me the ones he didn 't like . I won 't ever forget my little dog . I haven 't got another one , I 'm not sure if I can . I just hope he knew he was loved . What can I say about a JR that all of us don 't already know ? Sadly , I had to put my little Buster to sleep on the afternoon of friday , October 12 . 2001 . He was with me only 3 and a half short years , but the love and joy was enough for several lifetimes . His personality was so . . . . beautiful . Now I find myself writing this memorial instead of going out for our usual sunday morning walk . The house is indeed a much quieter and lonely , not to mention sadder place . Of course I 'll be getting another one ( or two ) but his memory and love , not only to me , but to everyone around him , will always be with us . Thanks little Buster . Mike Posted November 30 , 2001 It has been almost 6 weeks now since I lost my Shelby Lynne to her love of squirrels . Santa brought me my baby Christmas 2000 and everyone warned us of the breed but I was determined to learn about JRT 's . She was not as big as nothing when we got her and she was so timid and shy I just knew something was wrong with her . Ice storms delayed the potty training and I thought I had made the wrong choice because I could not get her house broken . Shelby learned very fast that I was her momma and I would always love her no matter where she tinkled . Towards spring potty training was finally accomplished and Shelby became the true JRT that I dreamed of . She woke up everyday bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for action . Everywhere we went Shelby went and everybody talked about her and wanted her and I just beamed with joy . She floated rivers , went to pick up kids from school , and ran every errand I did . Vacations and Sunday drives included Shelby Lynne . About mid - summer Shelby became very possessed with well , you all know , SQUIRRELS . She ran from one window in the house to the back door all day long . When you let her out she did nothing but tree squirrels from tree to tree . She would jump up and down , up and down , no longer was there grass under her favorite hickory tree , just dirt . One of her other favorite past times was the sprinkler system in which my husband installed last summer . All the neighbors would watch even cars would stop to see my little bundle of joy . One fall morning my husband let Shelby out to do her business and she saw a leaf moving across the street , my husband summoned her but as you know she heard him but the love of hunting got the best of her and she took off . She could care less that a car was coming , it 's as if she was on a suicide mission she didn 't even flinch . She was instantly killed and my husband came in to tell me . Of course I will never forget it . I calmly went and got one of my girls baby blankets and wrapped her in it and held and rocked her as if I were telling one of my children goodPopeye and SweetPea I would like to add my two jack russells to the memorial listing . My first jack was " Popeye " . He was " my little man " . He was so much my buddy , always overwhelmed with joy to see me even if i was gone for 2 minutes . He was a jack through and through . He had just the cutest and most endearing little traits anyone could ever ask for in a unconditional loving buddy . I would also like to add " SweetPea " my little female jack russell to the list . She was the quickest , spunkiest , hunter i ever had the pleasure of knowing . If it was moving , she was taking after it , and more times than I wanted , she caught her . She kept every snake that had the unfortunate fate of trying to set up home on our property , off , ( dead ) . She could jump a 6 ' privacy fence if her quary made it over it . Feisty was her middle name . Both of them have left this world , but not my heart . There will always be a large part of my heart occupied by the many memories if have of both of them . There isn 't a day that passes , that I don 't think of them both and smile or shed a tear . I am happy to announce that just last week I made room in my heart for my new Jack " Max " He comes from the show circuit and is one and one half years old . ( i have knicknamed him " Mad Max " ) He is a joy and I am totally in love with him . I hope to be his partner for many many years . thank you for this chance to express my memories We lost our beloved Diego in April . We adopted him from a local family who had bought him over the internet , and we suspected that they had abused him . We already had had a 1 year old Jack named Pablo and saw a posting at the grocery store for a 5 month old named Diego - - since our friends had just had twins ( human twins ) named Pablo and Diego - - - we thought this was fate . I called and immediately went and got him , for Pablo and Diego it was love a t first sight . I had heard not to put two males together , but these two guys were made for each other . they played so much it wore all of us out , but we were never so entertained ! ! ! ! Diego was a challenge to say the least ! ! ! He was continually on the dining room table , jumping in the bathtub with the kids , and even figured out how to open the refrigerator , and once ate a whole chicken - - - I thought he was done for , but he past it all fine ! ! ! ! ! ! A few weeks ago he got off the leash and was immediately hit by a speeding car who didn 't even stop - - - we were in the middle of my son 's birthday party and the kids witnessed it . We miss Diego deeply ! Especially his buddy Pablo who is still carrying his collar around ! ! I know now , even though his death was tragic , it was fate that led us to Diego because no one else would have put up with his mischievous behavior - - but we loved him just the same and still do ! ! ! WE love you DIEGO , and you are forever in our memories ! ! ! ! ! ! I lost my dear Sally . I had rescued her form a family that had never owned a dog before . The mother had two year old twin boys and was expecting another set of twins . Needless to say my little Sally was just to much for her to handle . I have always had dogs , and was not fond of small dogs . Sally changed that is a heartbeat . I have never known so much love and happiness this little girl brought me . She was like soap bubbles rolling though my home and my heart . Sally was small , only 8 lbs . . , but she would take no prisoners . We have a 100 pound yellow Labrador , who Sally would play with torment , and share naps . She could always get his toys in a tug of war , one feisty little dog pulling them from his mouth . We live in a Condo with a small fenced area , but she was content . I could not sit down without her on my lap . She slept under the covers at my feet , and shared this spot with Sadie our cat . Even though we live in a condo , Sally always went with me when I would ride my horse . She would sit on the pomal in front of me just as her grandmother and grandfather still do in Scotland . This was the time she could run to heart content , over the rolling hill in the Santa Ynez Valley of Calif . Her death was a tragic accident , I left her at the ranch where I keep my horse to board . She was to say in a kennel , but because she is so sweet the owner kept her in the house . There was only one rural road that went past the property , with almost no traffic . Sally slipped out the door and ran to the road and was hit by a car , she was only two when she died , I had her just over a year . She is buried on a hill overlooking the valley , I hope she is running over these hills and chasing rabbits and ground squirrels . I will never get over the loss of this little dog as long as I Live . She was my heart . I will look for her as I ride through these hills , her ears flapping and her little feet barely touching the ground . The pain of her loss is almost more than I can bear , it is as if there is only a hollow place where my heart use to be . i am writing a very painful memorial . this is to our dog solo . solo came to us from a friend who was moving . these people didn 't realize the wonderful dog they had either . they only told me about the horrible things she did . like run away and get into the garbage . well the garbage goes without saying , but she never ran away from me . solo was a ruff and smooth coat in one . she had the sweetest face . she became my oldest daughters dog . they both had this Mohawk thing going on . she wore a Harley Davidson collar with flames . perfect for solo , she was like a shot from about seven in the morning till about ten at night . solo went into have surgery to have a foreign body remove from her stomach . she had been having some problems . this was a last resort for the vets . the got in there and found pieces of a blanket she had chewed , and it had cut her bowel in two . we had to let her go . it was heart breaking . she was only four . we are all devastated . her two brothers a Scottie and a cairn poodle mix are totally lost . there is no terrier tag going through my house . i was looking over the rescue application . not that we are ready i was just looking . one of the questions is " why do you want a jack russell " . and i dont know . she was a stinker , but you couldn 't help loving her . terrier people are special people . they are heck of a great dog . solo was the best . and we will have another one , without hesitation . in time . this is a huge loss to us . only terrier people would understand . thank you for your time , sarah travis Posted July 26 , 2001 March 30 of this year was one of the saddest days in the 47 years I have lived . While I have had many pets and was raised by a farmer who respected and loved the animals that were part of his life , I have never before had to deal with the tragic death of an animal that belonged to one of my children . Sadi was a Christmas present to our daughter ( now 12 ) in December of 1999 . My father had given me a terrier for my 16th birthday and I loved their spirit . My technical training was as a veterinary technician and I enjoyed every terrier we had in the clinic . A friend of our family owned Sadi 's mother and allowed Maggie the pick of the litter . Sadi slept with Maggie from the first night she was in our home . She was fearless , funny , feisty and extremely loving . She adored her " big brother " Rex ( our rescue dog / black lab and German shorhair ) and was a perfect fit in this family . She made our 17 year " old " cat young again - - even sleeping together during their daytime naps . My husband was against adding another dog to our lives with retirement in view , considering a Jack can live to a ripe old age . However , he adored her from the first moment he met her . We picked the feistiest pup of the litter and never regretted a moment of her time with us . On March 30 , I took Rex and Sadi to a woods near our house for a run , as was our custom . On this day , when we reached the alfalfa field , a hawk flew up in front of Sadi and she took chase into the woods . Unfortunately the rock quarry that adjoins this field is unfenced - - which I and Sadi did not know . She fell to her death doing what she loved to do - - run and hunt . I have never suffered such grief - - having to tell my daughter that her dog of only 1 year and 5 months was dead . We are working through the grief but realize we all need a JRT to fill the huge hole left in our hearts . No dog will ever replace Sadi but another can love us and give us joy that is special to it alone . We are looking forward to picking up a new puppy in May . Please wish us the best . For others who have posted messages here , we send you our thoughts and prayers . You are lucky to have had a JRT in your lives . Celebrate them and what they gave to you ! after being struck by a car . We had no choice - he had a spinal fracture which rendered him paralyzed . Vinnie was an escape artist and bird chaser . He could open doors , gates , etc . and managed to get by my husband who was closing a person door in a garage that a mouse couldn 't get through ! Vinnie flew past two friends of ours standing in the I 'm writing from the path of grief that all bereaved owners know . In April my husband took our beloved little dog , Penny to the vet to have her put to sleep . She was just six weeks short of her 15th birthday and she was our little tan and white princess . Dignified to the end she brought our family , of whom she was the first , so much joy . She was a true warrior . She had pulled through heart failure and even a stroke , but in the end it was an ominous lump that meant we had to spare our brave warrior any unnecessary suffering . Today I am broken hearted and I can only thank God for giving her to us and give her back to him to keep safe . We love you our wee Penny . Love from your mum , dad and family . Posted July 26 , 2001 Our little Maggie of 9 years . Dad called you God 's Dog . Is that why you had to leave us so soon ? You gave us a reason to wake up every morning , and a reason to come home . When we had to go somewhere without you , you loudly expressed your disappointment but quickly forgave us and always welcomed us home , meeting us at the door with your unique little smile and a wiggly tail . Oh Maggie , we miss you so much . Every day has a big empty place . Your little sister Kelly is very sad without you too . I remember all the miles we walked , all the toys you loved , and especially your kisses . I miss your warm little body snuggled close to my side . If only I could hear you talk to me again . You are my baby Maggie and I love you every day and miss you . You are the best ! To lose you to an auto immune disease , which I don 't even begin to understand , is just too much . One day your mom and I will see you again and go for a walk in the park like so many other times . Until then , TO OUR BELOVED " PENNY " It 's been almost four years now since we lost you now and not a day goes by that I don 't think of you . For fourteen years , you were my best friend , companion and confidante . You saw me through good times and bad . You never judged . You were always there with a look that said everything would be ok . You gave a nudge and a lick when it was needed . You laid by my side through thick and thin and never complained . When you became sick and could no longer lead a happy life , I made the most painful decision of my life in ending your pain and suffering . I held your little cancer ravaged body and said goodbye as you departed for a better life and we cried at our loss for there was never a better friend such as you . We will meet again and until that time , know that we love you and miss you always . Penny was my introduction to the Jack Russell but not my last . I got her while stationed in the UK so she was a true Jack . She traveled all over with me in the United States while driving an 18 wheeler until settling in the Dallas , Texas area . In the fourteen years she was alive , she was a devoted friend who had seen and traveled more places than most people . She is deeply missed . We now have a new Jack Russell in " Remington " . He is six months old now and a bundle of energy . He has alot of living up to but I can already see he is worthy of the task . Thank you for the opportunity to place this memorial to my friend . Mike Multop Posted March 4 , 2001 It has been 4 hours since we received the phone call from our vet . We had Mac tattooed for identification , in the event he went missing , today it was used to notify us of his death . Mac ran away last night , when he was let out after returning home . We have never had to worry about him leaving the yard at night time , so he was not put on his leash , he was only out for 5 minutes . We searched all night and day and at 3 : 30 PM today we received the call . Mac had been hit by a car last night and the vet could not save him . We saw an ad in the paper two years ago for JRT puppies , my husband and I decided to go see them . When we arrived we took him immediately . Mac was kept in the bathroom for his first four months , and only let outside when the other dogs wanted out . They had two small children who used to carry him around by the throat , we took him home . He was pure white and very timid . As the months passed he became less timid and started getting color . He became our baby . He did the most quirkiest things and always made us laugh . We would cuddle and our laps were never empty , no matter where we were . My parents cared for him when we had to go away , and became very attached also . I 'm still waiting for him to come home . We will miss his smile that we received when we came home , his love and affection , his warmth and even his antics . There will be no more shredded paper trails through our house , or barking at the window . No more cuddling at night or a greeting of hello . No more walks or bunny chasing . Mac you are our life and our love . We will miss you forever ! Posted March 4 , 2001 Snottie Dottie was a wonderful , loving JRT , wife of Gus , our first JRT purchased 5 years ago . Dottie was a very young 4 years old . I knew how many jacks were killed every year by cars and have done everything possible to prevent this . It hasn 't been easy as they are true escape artists . . . finally I put an electric fence ( for horses ) around their yard . It worked ! No more escapes for 2 years and then our sweet , beautiful baby was killed by a snake last Wednesday in her own " safe " back yard . Our family is devastated . Her personal human was my 14 year old son who has never cried so much . . . none of us have . We miss her every minute of every day . Gus is lost without her . My coffee cup does not mysteriously empty itself anymore . One day we will meet again . . . . til then we were blessed to have you . Godspeed sweet Dottie . . . . . We had to put Jack down today due to an enlarge heart . My brother gave Jack to us a year ago and we will miss him dearly . Jack was only 2 years old when in just two weeks he got real sick . Our vet took ex - rays and the results were not very good . What we will mostly miss of Jack was his character . We had a task at first on house training him , but after two months he was a joy to have . We thank God for the one good year we had him . We love Jack and we already miss him . He was a rough coat JRT and Loved as an Important member of my family . We had always had large dogs before him but never one with a heart as large as his . We live on ten acres , two cleared and eight wooded and wiggles knew every inch of it . he loved his tennis balls . He loved them so much he taught us to throw them so he could catch them . I would never have believed a pet could have so much persistence , You could throw his ball into the woods and no matter how long it took he would not come out without that ball . You could throw his ball straight up into the air and he would catch it 95 percent of the time . We have a Chow named Buster and he and wiggles were the best of friends romping in the yard or running through the woods together . Wiggles thought he was as big as Buster . So did Buster ! Wiggles had his morning routine where he would lick my hand from the side of the bed until I woke up . Then as soon as I started moving around it was time to play ball and the fact that I had to get ready for work mattered not at all to him . He would bring the ball and drop it at your feet then stare at it ready to go and if you ignored it he would pick it up and drop it again to get your attention and he finally learned that if he dropped it in my boot then I would have to pick it up . So then it was only a matter of tossing it . . He had a toy box but he firmly believed that toys belonged in all parts of the house for convenience just in case he happened to be in a room and want to play . He wasn 't always all play though there were times when he would lay beside you on the couch or lay his head on your lap and Love on you for as long as ten seconds sometime . He never wandered off but one day a female appeared and he decided to follow her off . He was only gone out of our sight for a matter of minutes before we missed him . I found Him on the road where he had NEVER gone before . WE were Devastated . He filled up so much of our life with love and happiness . For a very long time it was very hard to tie my boots in the morning and we still have his toy box . We buried him in a special place in the woods he loved so much . Wiggles I miss you little buddy life just hasn 't seemed to have the same quality since that day . We have new JRT now and his name is Spanky we love him very much also and he stays in the new fenced in yard I put up just for him . Wiggles left a deep void and spanky is not filling it but then again he 's not supposed to is he ? I love him just the same . . . Wiggles I hope that wherever you are . you are playing ball to your hearts content we LOVE YOU ! ! ! Dad and Mom Posted February 4 , 2001 Rusty came to us four months ago , the victim of neglect and physical abuse . He was a tri - color rough coat that was full of love . He was attacked and killed by a coyote just nine days before his second birthday , on Dec . 13th . From the moment he arrived , he was at home . Frasier , my JRT mix , took to him immediately which is unusual . By the second month here , he was finally healthy and very happy . He loved to chase balls and Frisbees , and was rarely at rest . It was such a delight to watch him and Frasier run , dig and play together . On the evening of Dec . 13th . , as I opened the front door to go out to the car for something , he bolted and ran after a shape in the dark . For the first time , he did not respond to my calls and commands presumably focused on his chase . As I ran into the brush after him I heard the sickening sudden yelp and knew he had met his end . In the dark , I caught a glimpse of the coyote as it ran off . A frantic four hour search failed to find his remains which makes his passing all the more difficult . Rusty was here for a very short time , but managed to steal my heart . I hope that he has found a better place . Please , if you live in a rural area , take extra care to protect your little friends . Rusty , Frasier and I miss you buddy . Larry T Whidbey Island We have lost two of our best friends this year almost six months apart to the day . On June 23 , 2000 , our beloved Freckles , The most un - Jack Russell Terrier you could ever meet died after surgery for a tumor of the spleen . She was ill only a few days and at the age of 11 years was still very loving and active until 3 days before her surgery . She was kind , sweet and patient . She was an excellent mother to her daughter Velvet . She was also the queen of the household having been taught by her best friend MacGinty - a wonderful Irish Setter who lived until age seventeen . Freckles slept between his front paws as a puppy and followed Ginty everywhere . She never ran away and never required a leash . Her father Shamrock who was 13 and 1 / 2 years died today December 24 , 2000 . He died as a result of a Fibrocartiligenous embolism ( FCE ) of the spine which resulted in paralysis of his hind end . He was never able to regain use despite steroids and lots of nursing care . He retained a strong spirit and a loving heart until the end . He would run at the drop of a hat to follow his prey . At the age of 7 weeks he surprised the entire dinner table by sitting up and begging and speaking for food - a trick that he was never taught and my daughter thinks he learned from watching the TV ! There were very few things that " Mr Houdini " could not escape from or through . Our smooth coat tan and white JRTs were truly part of our family . Both were go to ground certified and Shamrock was puppy racing champion on Long Island . It is truly amazing how many tears can be shed for these tiny dogs with hearts as big as the ocean . They are always in our hearts and minds . I hope that everyone can experience the love and devotion that we have been fortunate to have . The search begins for a new JRT to fill our home with joy and love . Posted February 4 , 2001 This is about my JRT , Casey , who was killed by my sons Dalmatian in April 2000 . I got him in November 1997 . I had wanted a female but this male pup kept jumping into my lap . the lady who was selling them even held on to him but he was wanted on my lap , so I got him . this dog was smart - and I now have 5 JRT 's , and Casey was the smartest dog I have ever known . he learned fast . he has learning to climb a ladder to the hay loft in my barn when he was killed . he would jump into my arms . my kids and husband would try to get him to jump into their arms but he 'd run to me . he would play this game of protecting me , growling and carrying on if someone acted like they were going to hurt me . the Dalmatian thought he was top dog , and Casey wanted to be . one day I came home from worked and found my female , his pen mate , out running around . I knew that Casey was dead . the Dalmatian was standing up on a bank by the house . it appeared that Casey 's neck was broken . we buried him down by our pond , his swimming hole , and the other JR 's watched . I called the people I got him from and they had a litter . I decided to name the new pup chance , because I was taking a chance he 'd be like Casey . this pup turned out to be deaf . so back I went and got my first pick . my husband had picked out the first pup because he looked like Casey . now this pup was to be called 2nd chance , or jokingly no chance . dogs , like kids , all are different . I think about Casey daily . I think I 'm over his death , but then I cry thinking about him . my husband used to say I loved that dog more then him ! ! ! I 'm glad I happened upon this site . it makes me smile to remember my Casey dog . . carol in Missouri I lost my three month old female JRT Lavin three days ago because I stupidly left the laundry room door open . She was afraid of the washing machine and never ventured into it . But she did that night and ate almost a complete box of Tide . She crawled up the stairs and onto my bed , licking my face , by the smell of her breath , I could tell she had eaten something . I jumped up and saw she had blood around her mouth . Lavin had begun to vomit the detergent as well as her stomach lining . I knew she wouldnt make it to the vet so I laid down on my bed and placed her on my chest . She died a moment later . Never for a minute assume your JRT won 't do something unusual to their personality . Some day they will and that will be the hardest day of your life . I 'm so sorry Lavin , I failed you . Born 12 / 27 / 94 , came to us at the age of 6 weeks , he was a tri colored rough coat . HB was a very special friend to us . He loved to go to wach Terry practice on his cutting horse or attedning many of the cuttings in our area . He went to work with Terry daily and had the best disposition of any dog in the world . He was very obedient . Everyone knew HB as he never met a stranger . We will miss him . HB we miss you and love ya , little buddy . We know he is watching over us Posted December 15 , 2000 Cocoa was just two years old when a car hit him on Thursday , August 24 . He was not just a dog , but a truly special member of our family and neighborhood . It just happened that he was a dog . He was sweet , loving , smart , and very lively for the three little boys who loved him so . We are all grieving over our loss of a dog that is irreplacable . Cocoa was so loved by others that we have received call after call and even visits by neighbors to give us their sympathy . It is comforting , but nothing can ease our pain . Cocoa , we love you and we will miss you forever . He was my first JR ( but not my last ! ) . He was almost 3 when I got him because his 1st family didn 't want him any more . We went everywhere together . I only wish I had known about JR trials years ago . He would have had even more fun in his little life . As it was , he has been to trials this past year and had a ball barking at all the dogs . He had limphoma and wasn 't able to compete , but he still barked and had fun . Now he is healthy and if Chuck looks in the right place , he will find one fine hunting dog ! ! On Oct . 4 , 2000 , Sparky went to the Rainbow Bridge . He is with Chuck Hufnagle and hunting his little heart out . What a pair they are ! I know they both are having a ball . Posted December 15 , 2000 Molly ( Our Best Friend ) Molly was the light of our lives . She was our first Jack Russell . She taught us all about Jack Russells and just how special they are . We lost Our little girl last night . She was hit by a car and we found her . After searching the neighborhood , we looked an the highway where she never went . It had just happened but apparently she was killed instantly . We have a fenced in backyard but the gate was left opened . Now today we are all devestated and only wish we could turn back the clock . Molly was a true member of our family . We buried her under a tree where she loved to bark at a squirrel tail we played with her with . We will miss her always . Texas was my heart and my laughter in the 5 years he was with me . I 'd always owned physically big dogs . . . Golden Retrievers . I had done a lot of reading and knew about all the challenges with a JR . . . but I never knew how " big " they really are until Tex came into my life . He was just incredible with a capacity to love and enjoy every minute of his life . . . I live on 200 acres full of rodents and other challenges that he enjoyed . However , the part of the lessons I 'd read about but did not internalize was the part about how quickly JR 's can leave your life . . . Texas was killed by a truck . . . a truck that shouldn 't have been on my private property , miles from anywhere else . . . . I thought I was very careful . . . but I still lost him . . . so , to the rest of you JR owners and lovers . . . please remember to be ever vigilant , even when it seems so safe . . . it is so painful to lose such an incredble bundle of light . He was my baby , best friend and companion . I will never forget him . When I was down from a car wreck he was there for me . I loved him with all my heart and always will . He was so smart , so giving he stayed beside me thru thick and thin . I never got to leave home without him , he would see to that . I 'll never forget how he loved his bath . He loved icecream too . I miss him everyday . I still have his picture by my bed and in my bible . I have often wondered if I didn 't love him so much , would he still be here for me ? You see I had very jeaious boyfriend that gave my baby zeke anti - freeze . By the time my dad and I realized what he had done it was to late . . And I have been dieing since . I know someday I will get over this but , not to soon I 'm sure . Love for Zeke FOREVER Tuffy was 12 years old when he died . He was a wonderful pet . We all grew up with Tuffy . I loved him so much . I was 17 years old when I got Tuffy and married . I 've three children . While he lived with us , he was always such a joy . He was with us through good times and bad times and he really showed his age at his 12th year . He was so playful and full of energy ! To the very day he died , he had just finished the day playing . We put him outside to use the restroom and when he came in he just collapsed . He passed away in my arms . In tears now - only one year later - I must say I love you always Tuffy ! ! ! ! ! We have another JRT now named Buddy . Very hiper . We 'll soon to see if he will be in our hearts like Tuffy : ) Dottie Mae was the love of our life . She was our first Jack Russell . We got her from our friend when she was 3 months old . My little boy , Corey , loved her with all his heart . They were always outside playing and she loved to be pulled in the wagon . Wherever you saw corey , Dottie Mae was there with him They were best buddies . We lost Dottie on February 25 , 2000 and she was only 4 years old . Speeding cars are not forgiving . If people only knew how special our pets are , maybe they would be more careful . My entire family is still sad , especiall Corey . This has been a terrible tragedy for a 9 year old to try and comprehend . God bless you Dottie , we love and miss you every waking day . Mr . Bean was a gift . He was a runt of his litter , so he was given to me because it was thought that no one would want him . It turned out that he was the cutest one of the bunch and several people who came to look at his littermates wanted to buy HIM . But I said no , I wanted to keep him . Mr . Bean wanted nothing more out of life than to be with me . He loved to jump things and we always joked about the perfect six meter circles that he ran . He was an excellent " car dog " . My truck is still filled with little white doggy hairs all over the passenger side floor . Mr . Bean was very clever . He figured out how to push the chair out in the barn office , jump up , jump to first desk , jump to second desk , and eat the catfood . One day while I was in the shower he managed to jump up on the kitchen counter and make a real mess ! ! ! This 14 pound dog , this little bundle of energy , started having seizures at the beginning of this year . He would go a month and start having " cluster seizures " - one after another , after another , after another . . . . . and each time I brought him to the vet . He was drugged with valium to let his brain rest , and a few days later he would slowly wake up and be as good as new , as if nothing had happened . We tried many remedies to help him . . phene - barb , valium , primidone . On the morning of June 2nd , Mr . Bean passed away . Turns out he had an aneurism . Luckily he was " asleep " when it happened . Regretfully I was not there when he died at the vet 's office . On Tuesday morning we lost out little precious Scarlet . She was an unusual Jack Russell because she had longer , more dainty legs than normal . She was all white except for her ears . She was born on Thanksgiving Day , 1998 and we got her at the end of December , 1998 . She became one of the family , and went with us on vacations , or out driving . Scarlet had a wonderful personality . She loved to chase toys and bring them back to you . She would set the toy down and sit back , and when you reached for it she would snap it back up to tease you . I had dogs all the time I was growing up . All of them lived to a ripe old age , which makes it easier to say goodby . Poor little Scarlet had a bad habit of eating things she wasn 't supposed to , and last Thursday she got into the bathroom trash during the day and apparently ate some tampons which lodged in her stomach . She finally had surgery on Monday morning , and the vet said unfortunately some of the material had formed a linear appendage into her intestine and perforated it . He did the best he could I am sure . We saw her Monday evening for the last time , and she was in a lot of pain . He said the first 24 hours would be critical because the intestine leakage was toxic and she would have to overcome it . When I went back to see her Tuesday morning I got the sad news that she had died sometime between 3 and 7 that morning . My fiance and I have cried about once an hour since then , and the grief seems unbearable . I never thought I would be so attached to a pet , but she was just like a child to us . We will never forget her . We lost our little beloved Sam on May 30th . He came to us not as puppy , but a dog found on the freeway almost hit by a car . I picked him up , not knowing what kind of breed he was or what his personality was like . In fact the first week he was with us , I tried to give him away to anybody I could . After 7 days I was sold , this animal was one of the sweetest dogs I had ever known . I picked him up March , 13th 1996 , and had him 4 years , four of the most joyful years of my life . Sam was a kind animal , not having a bad bone in his little body . He loved all the children we met on our long walks at the park There was never a person he met he did not like . Kids gave him lots of hugs and he loved them back . My Dear Sam , you will be greatly missed , our home is not the same and our hearts are breaking . Your presence was not with us long enough . We miss you very much and loved you dearly . Our Jack , aptly named Jack , had to be euthanized this past month . He was a rescued Jack that we had been the proud owners of for 5 years . While his life started out a little rough , it ended with a loving family that truly loved him . He was a loyal , true friend , and at times even a pain in the rear , but his affection always made up forget the " bad " times . His love and affection was so unconditional - all he wanted was a lap and a dogger treat , or a pat on the head . No matter what mood we were in - he always brought out the laughter . He roamed the fields and the halls , never stopping for anything - constant motion , unless he decided it was time for a nap or a treat . He was our shadow , our friend , our confidant . He knew more about me than any human alive ! Many people consider animals " just animals " . I don 't . Jack was never " just an animal " and he never will be . He was a real member for the family , a loving bundle of energy , a smile on a bad day . Jack was lots of things to us - but never " just " an anything . God did not make " just " an animal , my opinion . Mary Kindred - keep up the work you do rescuing Jacks ! You surely changed our life by introducing us to Jack and by allowing us to have the honor of raising and loving him ! Jack - this is to you , furball . Chase that big bunny and catch him ! We love you . My next door neighbors had a JRT that they were looking to give away . They just didn 't have time to take care of her and she was only 7 months old . I took her from there hands and we bonded instantly . Her name was Daisy . I took her everywhere with me and she loved it . I took her for walks and she even slept with me every night . We always cuddled and played . We were a perfect match . Each day I grew more and more fond of her . For the last few days I felt very sad and lonely . Two days ago she got out of the front door and it was hard to catch her . This happened every once in a while , but I always caught her or she came back after a little running exercise . Well this time she didn 't make it back . I was just starting to go after her when she was running across the main road a block away . A truck was going in excess of the speed limit and she just didn 't look to see him coming . She was struck right then . I had to see it and my heart just collapsed . I couldn 't do anything to save her , she died instantly . I only had her for 3 1 / 2 months , but she had become my best friend . She was very special and she even had a mark on her that was unique . Right on her neck was a heart - shaped spot . It has only been a few days I it is hard not to see her when I come home . I am hoping one day that I will find another JRT as sweet as she was that I can love just as much . She will always be in my heart and I will see her again someday . We lost an integral member of our family on Good Friday . Lily was in the prime of her life , only 4 years old . We got her shortly after we were married , before we had children she was like our first child . We loved her so much and spoiled her without restraint and it was worth it . She had such a sensitive intuition about everything . I 'll always miss her singing whenever we would say " I love you Lily " . She was smart and crafty just as Jacks can be . She was a beauty as well pure white with the cutest speckled ears you have ever seen . I don " t know how my family will survive without her , the pain is so great . We will miss you Lily forever and never forget the love , joy and understanding you brought to us . You forever will have a special place in our hearts that no one pet or human can ever replace . When I started showing Paints , she went everywhere - Georgia , Alabama and all over our home state of Florida . She loved to dig in the gardens for moles , she used to give them as presents on the front doorstep . . . she used to chew through steel enforced garden hoses . . . she thought that they were snakes that were going to hurt me . And when I had to put my show horse to sleep due to colic surgery complications 3 years ago it was Bailey that I held through the many nights of crying . . . but now I hold a pillow , because my Bailey is gone and my heart aches . . . She had lived a long and happy life , and I have all the memories and photos of her , being carried in my moms purse ( that was her transportation when she wasn 't up on the horse with me . . . she was so little ) sleeping with me in the motel rooms and hogging two pillows even though she was lucky if she was 9 inches high . . . . our runs around the block , there wasn 't a squirrel in our yard that didn 't fear her and now the squirrels already have begun to come to the ground to eat the blooms off the flowers . . I couldn 't see my life without a JRT , and I know I am going to have to take time to heal . . . . but when the time is right , I will be owned by another JRT . Goodbye my sweet little Bailey , I 'm glad I found this forum . We all love our JRTs and that 's all that matters . I just lost my little girl , Annie , who was seven . Those new to JRTs must be careful to check your fences every week . I did and Annie still found a way out , and the inevitable happened . She got out to chase a squirrel , and I guess she started looking for me , because she was coming back when she got hit . Irony is , I had just replaced the fence . Not only that , but she picked the hard way out , a hole with thick wire over it to let the water drain . Just yesterday , I found daylight under the fence in another place that if Annie had seen it , it would have taken her all of 2 minutes to get out . I did all the right things , trained her well starting at 8 weeks , she came , stayed and sat on command . She always brought the ball back , chased squirrels , HATED cats ( good dog ! but don 't touch ! ) and most of all loved me , my wife , and two small kids ( 3 yrs and 20 months ) . She put up with all kinds of abuse from the kids , and gave 100s of licks in return , or if it was too much just walked away . Never , ever did she growl or show her teeth to the kids . Sometimes she did to my wife , but that was a girl thing they had between them , competing for status . Well , there 's going to be a cold spot on my bed and empty place in my heart for a long , long time . I probably won 't get another JRT until I quit feeling so depressed , but I 'll be looking sooner or later . Thanks for reading this post , and putting up with my misery . And thank you Annie for being such a good dog and giving me 7 years of unmitigated joy . Buster and Sofie came to me in June of 1999 . I had just put my beloved Pinki , she was a dachshund , to sleep in April and wasn 't sure I wanted to go through that ever again . She was sick for 6 years with a rare inflammatory brain disease . I kept looking at that empty space on the floor where she used to lay and decided I just had to get another puppy . I went to a breeder to look at a litter of four week old Jack Russell puppies and picked out Buster , but after I left I just couldn 't stop thinking about the little runt girl puppy . Later that week I called up the breeder and asked him to save them both for me . I thought they could keep each other company and it would be fun to watch them play . I always walked them on a leash , one of those split kind , so that they could walk together . But when I took them to the park I would let them off so they could play in the grass . Where I live in Los Angeles we don 't have a real yard , just a dog run that I had built for them . In March of this year I took a little trip to San Francisco . I had taken them with me once before and they had a really good time because you can take dogs on the beach and there are lots of parks for them to play . I had been there for about four days taking them everywhere with me , but in my friend 's house I kept them in a pen so they wouldn 't chase their cats . At 7 : 30 one morning I took them to the park down the street so they could play and do their thing . Once I got to the park I took them off the leash . Way off in the distance I could see this trash truck coming down the path in the park . I turned around to pick up the poop and the truck was suddenly way to close . I called the dogs to me and they came . I was hooking the leash on Buster and Sofie was standing right next to me when the trash truck came up right next to me about 3 or 4 feet away . It suddenly made this terrible crashing sound . Sofie looked at me and turned around like a spooked horse and bolted into the street and was hit . I feel like it was my fault because I should have had the leash on her , but if that terrible sound hadn 't happened I believe she would still be here with me . I ran into the street with Buster in my arms getting hit myself , but I was too late . I think she died instantly . I was standing in the middle of the street screaming and no one even came to my aid , not even the guy in the truck who caused the accident . I ran screaming to my friend 's house and they called a cab to take us to the vet , but just as I thought , it was too late . I loved my little Sofie so much and so did her brother . Now he is alone . She was such a darling , funny tiny little character . I have so many pictures of the two of them together . I feel like my life will never be the same . The breeder offered me another dog because he felt so bad about what happened , but I decided I would let Buster decide for himself what he would like . I trust that he can do that . I never thought I would be going through another grief so soon after the loss of my Pinky , but we never know what the world has in store for us . I guess we have to make every day count , because no matter how young they are , or how safe you try to keep them sometimes it just isn 't enough . One thing is for sure , I will never trust my dog off leash unless it is in an enclosed space . I just hope my Pinky came to meet my Sofie at the Rainbow Bridge , because she isn 't used to being alone . I will love and miss you always Sofie , until the day I die . taken from us by a speeding car in front of our house . It was the worst day of my life . Daisy was our little baby and was so sweet and brought so much joy to our lives . We miss her spirit and her energy . She went with us where ever we went and especially loved to go in the vehicles with us . She loved to play fetch with our golden lab and torment him for the stick . We will never forget you Daisy and we know that you are at the Rainbow Bridge running and playing . One day we will see that sweet little face and have you come running to us jumping in to our arms and demanding a hug like you always did . We love you Daisy . I was lucky enough to have Ms . Puppy take care of me for 11 - 1 / 2 years . She sent me to work daily and met me nightly at the door . Once home she Elvis was adopted 5 / 95 by is loving parents . We drove to Apple Valley to a JRTCA breeder take him home . He was unique in markings , white with brown ears and a brown spot on his back . I enjoyed every moment spent with Elvis , from playing to just relaxing . Elvis was truly my best friend around the house . He was extremely well mannered and only had a slight forceful licking / kissing fixation . If I could only have a kiss today , I wouldn 't have to write this . 11 / 99 Elvis stopped eating his daily meals and began to vomit whenever he did eat . shortly afterward he was diagnosed with inflammatory bowel disease the very same day he crashed and had to be revived . Medication was a short fix but his own system could not kick the disease . My prayers were answered though and he was home for Christmas . He had a relapse in 1 / 99 and again more medication was added . Elvis really seemed to be improving . Then on 02 / 15 / 00 Elvis passed away . I will forever miss my boy , Elvis , he was one of a kind . Almost three years ago my mother had to put down her JRT companion of 17 years , his name was Jack the Zipper or as we called him Zippy . This little dog with a huge heart was a gift to my mother many years ago and he introduced us to the unique wonder of owning a JRT - we will never be without one now . The Christmas after we lost him , my boyfriend bought my mother another little boy . Even though he was given to my mom , he became my baby . We struggled to find a name for him , but nothing seemed to fit or roll just right off the tongue . We finally settled on Wart ( short for Mugwort ) as a temporary name until we could choose a " real " name for him . He never made it to that point . On February 4 , 1998 , one of our horses accidentally hit Wart in the head when he raised his hoof and killed him . A small part of me died along with him that day and I was inconsolable for weeks . That March , my mother told me that she was going to look at some puppies that were advertised in the paper . I knew it was too soon for me but I went with her because when the time came , I wanted to choose my new puppy . I know the breeder who owns Wart 's father and was hoping to be able to get a half - brother of his . We went to see the puppies in the paper , but they were nothing like him so it didn 't bother me . She then suggested that we go see the breeder since she was not too far away from where we already were . We went wandering through her kennels as I cried and then I spotted the boy who was going to help heal the wound in my heart . Solan is Wart 's half brother and has a round , black spot on his back like Wishbone 's ( and like the two females we already had ) . I held him in my arms that day and haven 't let go since . While he will never replace Wart ( I still wonder what he would be like all grown up ) , Solan has definitely become my heart and soul . I think that due to the circumstances in which I obtained him , I bonded with him on a whole different level than I have ever experienced with my dogs before and I 'm sure I will never experience this again . ItWendy Lovas When my husband Jason and I talked about what to get each other that first Christmas we 'd spend as man and wife , we both knew right away what we wanted . We had bought a house the month before we were married , so now we could finally get what we 'd been denied for so long , a dog . I had grown up with a Maltese and Jason had grown up with a Miniature Dachshund , but we both knew after very little research that a Jack Russell Terrier was the dog for both of us . We found a wonderful breeder named Kathy who raised Jack Russell 's on her farm about an hour outside of the Twin - Cites . We knew right away after visiting her dogs that we wanted one sired by Bandit . Bandit was by far the coolest looking dog in the joint , with an outgoing attitude to boot . Brandy was due to give birth to a litter in November . Jason and I were both on pins and needles hoping the litter would be big enough so that we could have a pick . Sure enough the call came one cold November day , Brandy had her litter and if we wanted a puppy we needed to pick him out that day . I will always remember the sight of our little Jester being held in the palm of Kathy 's gentle hand so that we could get a good peek at him . It was love at first sight . The next couple of months flew by while we puppy - proofed the house and picked a name for our new family member . After suggesting Duke or Prince for our boy , I finally had the idea of a court jester pop into my head , and the rest was history . We spent a number of Sundays making the hour - long drive to the farm to visit Jester and to check on his progress . It was amazing to see the growth spurts he and his siblings were going through . Plus , it was the cutest thing in the world to see him playing with his brothers and sisters . Finally in Jan 1997 we got to bring our 8 - week - old Jester home . It was no easy task trying to potty train a dog in Minnesota in the middle of winter . I remember Jason digging out a small area at the end of the deck for him to use . He was so tiny , and it was a bitterly cold January and February . I remember him shivering in his homemade " coat " . Jason had taken one of his old short athletic socks and cut holes out for Jesters head and legs . I wish I had a picture of him in that coat , it sure didn 't take him long to grow out of it . As Jester got older , he never was one to linger out in the cold too long , and he definitely hated rain . It was almost a game for him , to see how long he could hold his bladder before having to finally give up to go outside and get wet . He may have been a bit " prissy " as my husband was fond of saying , but Jester had the biggest heart and more personality than in any dog I 've ever had the pleasure of meeting . That even includes Zipper , his cousin we brought home 10 months after we brought Jester home . Don 't get me wrong , I love Zipper enormously , but there was always this special twinkle in Jester 's eyes that I will never forget . My mother was fond of saying Jester had springs for legs , and boy was that the truth . Jason encouraged him to jump into his arms whenever he came home , so that became Jester 's trademark . If he liked you ( and he liked everyone ) he would fling himself into your arms as a greeting ; all he needed was two open arms . He even surprised our vet one day . I 'm sure the Dr . was used to getting a very different greeting from most other dogs . I would go on , but there are just not enough words in the language to describe the kind of loving , faithful , and giving companion that he was . A few weeks ago , Jester lost his appetite one day and was very sluggish . I was worried , but the next day he was his normal barking , jumping , and licking self . I wrote the episode off to a doggy - cold . About a week later , the same thing happened , but then the next day he was fine again . I was a bit concerned , but since he didn 't have any symptoms to show the vet , I figured everything must be fine . Then this Saturday , Jason noticed a lump when he pressed on the area underneath his rib cage . He called and got him an appointment for Monday afternoon . Sunday Jester got up , had his breakfast , and even played with Zipper for awhile . Jason and I ran some errands and came home . In the few hours we had been gone , Jester had taken a turn for the worse . He was lethargic and had no appetite . He didn 't even move off of the couch where he was cuddling with me when he heard Jason give Zipper his dinner . There was also another problem ; the lump we had found only the day before was now protruding out the side of his belly . We decided I would bring him into the vet right away Monday morning , and not wait for the appointment later that day . Jester lay in our bed Sunday night like he always did , but he didn 't sleep at all . His breath was labored and he had his eyes open all night . I finally drifted off to sleep at about 1 : 00 a . m . , but I was fighting it until the last minute because I was so afraid he wasn 't going to make it through the night . Monday morning , Valentines Day , Jester got up and ate a bit of breakfast . He was a little droopy , but nothing like the day before . My hope soared . I felt that once I got him to the vet , they would be able to figure out what was wrong with him and make everything all right again . I really felt the goofy dog had probably swallowed something he shouldn 't have and that they would remove it and he would be home in a day or two . I dropped him off at the vet and the Dr . assured me they would take good care of him . I went to work still thinking everything would be ok . About an hour later the Dr called , the X - ray they had done showed a large mass in his abdomen . All she could tell from it was that the mass wasn 't a foreign object . She gave me a number of options , and after failing to reach Jason because he was in a meeting at work , I made the decision to let the Dr . perform exploratory surgery . The surgery was scheduled for 3 : 30 that same day . At 4 : 00 I got a call from her college . The news he gave me left me numb . Jester had a cancerous tumor the size of a man 's fist inside of him . It was entwined with some major arteries and a large part of his intestines . There was no way for it to be removed . Even if we wanted to take him home , he would only have a week or two . I never even considered it . Just seeing him in pain for one day on Sunday was unbearable . Jason and I decided to have him sewn up , and then waken up a bit so that we could be with him when he left this world . I 'm not sure how I even made the drive home from work . I walked past my car by about 6 cars too many in the parking lot before I remembered where I had left it that morning . Jason met me at home and after a few minutes comforting each other , we set off for the vet . I am so glad that we had a chance to say good bye to him . When the Dr . brought him into the room , his tail started wagging like crazy . The Dr . even choked up before she left to give us a few minutes with him . After kissing him a few last times on the head and telling him what a good boy he was , the Dr . came back into the room and gave him the fatal dose of medication . Jester died with both of us holding his head . It was peaceful and over in only a few seconds . It seems so unfair , how could a dog that was only 3 years old have terminal cancer ? I sit here wondering if there was anything we could have done to prevent it ? I asked that the tumor be donated to science so that his passing wouldn 't seem quite so point - less . She said she would be glad to remove it and send it to the University for testing . That has been one of only a very few comforts in this terrible tragedy . The Dr . said there was nothing that we had done wrong , that we had given him wonderful care in his short life . I 'm still left asking why . I know the hardest part is yet to come , when I have to leave the safe haven of my house , husband , and surviving dog to go back out into the world . The first time some one says , " he was just a dog " to me , I know it is going to feel like a knife being plunged into my heart . Jester wasn 't just " a dog " , he was a member of our family , and probably one of the few that actually gave TOTALLY unconditional love . I know I will have to grow a thicker skin and try to feel sorry for the person who utters the comment . Obviously , they have never experienced a warm kiss from a loving dog first thing in the morning . For about 1125 days , I was privileged enough to , and I promise myself never to forget it . |
In addition to the Brady Anderson photos and Paddington bears , one of the other treasures I uncovered during our yard sale preparation was a 10 page essay that I wrote in April 2007 , the month after Luke and Will were born . I had forgotten that during those weeks when I was home from work , alone , miserable , and unable to drive ; Luke and Will were in the NICU ; and Nate was back at the office , I had written my first hand account of their birth . I was in desperate need of an outlet for what had happened . I just found the file on our home computer . This is Nate 's story too , and aside from him , I 've never shared this written version of events with anyone except my dad . Over the years , people have asked me about my birth story . . . on how we started . I usually skip over the details . But I think I am finally ready to share . So here is the story of Will and Luke . Unedited . Aside from finding out that I was carrying twins , I feel as though my pregnancy was unremarkable . I felt good , never got morning sickness , and was going to all my OB and fetal - maternal medicine appointments . During my first appointment with the FMM , I was told that babies born after 32 weeks have almost no risk of long term problems . He told me to circle March 31 on my calendar … this was our goal day . Nate and I looked forward to the ultrasound appointments and really got a kick out of seeing our little guys interact in utero . Although I do recall always having a feeling of dread and fear before each appointment , each ultrasound revealed brains forming , swallowing , and bone development . My blood pressure was good , and I passed all the glucose tests that I had . On March 10 , we attended a friend 's birthday party . I was just 29 weeks pregnant and starting to get swollen ankles , so spent the majority of the day sitting down and watching a basketball game . Nate and I came home , did some things around the house , and around 10pm , I went to bed . I had been starting to sleep poorly in our bed , so decided to go to sleep in the guest room . I remember feeling a little tug on the right side of my belly as I reached over to turn out the light . A little after midnight , I woke up for my first nightly trip to the bathroom . I noticed that Nate was in the bonus room , playing a video game . Not wanting to wake up too much , I left the light off in the bathroom and sat down to go pee . I had gotten in the habit of not flushing at night so that I didn 't want up Nate , so I wiped , stood up , and was about to go back to bed when I stopped and looked back at the toilet . What made me look back ? To this day , I have no idea . When I looked back , the toilet looked dark . My sleepy brain thought this was strange , but was not immediately alarmed . So I flipped on the light . And what followed was my life - altering moment . I panicked . I screamed for Nate . I started to shake . I ran into the guest bedroom to see if the sheets were covered in blood . Thankfully they weren 't . When I got back to the bathroom , Nate was there . I pointed to the toilet . He pulled the only " guy move " of this whole experience when he went to the toilet and flushed it away . I don 't recall what he said , but in my mind it was something along the lines of " It stopped , right ? " Nate did his best to keep me calm . I sat back on the toilet as he went downstairs to get the emergency telephone number magnet for my OB . I periodically would check to see if I was still bleeding . Every time I looked down , the toilet water was a frightening shade of red . Nate called the OB and left a message with the answering service - " my wife is 29 weeks pregnant with twins . She is actively bleeding . Please call us back and tell us if we should come to the hospital . " We waited 5 minutes . No call back from the OB . During this time , we prepared to go to the hospital . The bleeding was not stopping . We put poor Otis in his crate . I changed out of my pajama pants into granny panties with a baby diaper in them , and my most comfortable maternity outfit . Another call to the OB answering service . Still no call back from the OB . And I am still bleeding . We got in the car . We didn 't take anything with us . I hadn 't had time to pack my hospital bag yet . And I sure didn 't have a " what the hell do we do if we go into labor at 29 weeks " bag either . On the way to the hospital , I called the OB answering service for a third time . I left a third message . The answering service attendant could not believe that we had not received a call back . Because we had not gotten to talk to our OB , we did not know where to go once we got to the hospital . We parked at the Emergency Room and checked in . We were amazingly composed as we told the night receptionist our story - " 29 weeks , twins , active bleeding . " In what seemed like seconds , there was a nurse with a wheelchair calling out my name . She sat me down and wheeled me to the birthing center . I didn 't want to be in the birthing center . I didn 't want to believe that I would be in the hospital for more than a few hours as they figured out why I was bleeding and made it stop . That 's all I wanted to happen . Make it stop . Let me go home and put my feet up and incubate these babies just a little while longer . We weren 't at March 31 yet … things weren 't going to be okay . I was ushered into a room and introduced to two nurses . I can 't remember their names . I remember that I liked one of them a lot . She was calming . She had an unusual name . She helped me change out of my bloody baby diaper and into a hospital gown . She asked me if I wanted to keep the granny panties . I cried . Nate helped me back into bed . The nurses hooked me up on a number of monitors . I can 't remember everything , I just know that there was at least one monitor for each baby . It seemed like my belly was covered with bands with Velcro straps . They gave me an IV and put a large absorbent towel between my legs . It seemed like only seconds had passed before the friendly concerned face of a male OB from my OB practice arrived . He talked with the nurses and looked at the monitors . Then he did a pelvic exam on me , and said he could see that I was actively bleeding and that I was one centimeter dilated and fully effaced . The monitors showed that the boys were doing fine , but that my uterus was contracting . They were going to start me on magnesium sulfate in hopes of stopping the contractions . The OB seemed hopeful that they could stop the contractions , keep me in the hospital on observation for a few days , give me steroids to develop the babies ' lungs , and send me home on bed rest . God , I wish that is what happened . Because I was receiving the IV mag sulfate , I had to have a Foley catheter . This was not a very pleasant experience , but minor when compared to the mag sulfate itself . The mag sulfate hit me like a ton of bricks . All of a sudden , I felt as though I was one thousand degrees . Nate got ice from the hall and rubbed it on my feet . It was a great feeling and distraction for me , and I think it helped him feel as though he was helping . I know how helpless I felt with what was happening to my body and my concern for the babies . I can 't imagine how he felt , being forced to stand back and watch it and not be able to do anything . Around 1am , we helped the nursing staff turn forward all the clocks in my room . It was now daylight savings time . I wondered if my babies were suddenly one hour older , one hour closer to being born healthy . Nate called our parents to tell them what was going on . I don 't think I have ever heard him as stoic as he was on the telephone that night . I think now that he was trying not to lose it in front of me , but also trying to protect our parents from the intense fear that we were facing . My contractions didn 't stop with the large initial bolus of mag sulfate . The nurses tried to leave us alone for a little while to " get some rest " but we just laid there and watched Will and Grace on TV without the volume . Any time the boys would move , the nurses would come in and reposition the monitors . I was uncomfortable and every time I turned over , I felt a large gush of blood come out of me . I cried and called the nurses again . They gave me another bolus of mag sulfate . Nate came back with more ice . By this point , they had called for an ultrasound technician to come in and take a look at the boys . She looked sleepy and I remember apologizing to her for making her wake up to come and check on me . Nate looked over her shoulder as he did to the technicians at all of our other ultrasounds , and looked pleased as she could see the boys moving around and their hearts beating at a good rate . She estimated their size to be between 3 and 3 ½ pounds . Afterwards , the OB came back in and explained that my contractions still weren 't responding to the mag sulfate . He was going to give me a shot of steroids to help the boys ' lungs develop and said it would take 24 hours for their lungs to respond . I took that to mean he thought we could stave off delivery for 24 hours . Now , looking back , I just think he was praying for it like we were . He also sent in the neonatal nurse practitioner from the high risk nursery . She was horrible . All she did was spout off scary statistics about babies born at 29 weeks gestation . Her monologue is one that I cannot remember a single specific word from . I just wanted her to leave . I 'd read all the books . I knew the statistics that she was reciting . I knew about brain hemorrhages , chronic lung disease and hydrocephalus . All I wanted was for her to say something positive . She didn 't and I was happy when she left . I cried . Nate was angry . The nurses returned again . They told me that my contractions were about 3 minutes apart . From our birthing class , I knew that this was bad . I told them I couldn 't feel any contractions . They looked at the monitor and told me that I was having a strong contraction at that exact moment . I tried to figure out what I felt , and determined that the only thing that I felt was a slight twinge in my back . We continued our conversation as the contraction subsided . At some point within the next couple of minutes , I was in mid - sentence when I stopped and said " I am having a contraction right now , aren 't I ? " They nodded emphatically . I told them that if I hadn 't gotten out of bed to use the bathroom , this contraction wouldn 't have woken me up from a light sleep . They looked concerned . When they left , our room was quiet again . Nate spent a while holding my hand . He hadn 't cried the entire time . I knew he was scared , but I think that we both still held out hope that things were going to turn in our favor . Around 6am , my two nurses and OB abruptly burst into our room . They explained that one of the babies ' heart beat was starting to become erratic , and they were concerned that the uterine contractions were starting to cause the boys distress . My OB explained that they had done everything that they could to stop this from happening , but that these babies were going to be born today . They wanted to do an emergency cesarean section . Nate looked into my eyes , and for the first time , I truly saw his fear . He was trying so hard to stop from crying , but I could see his eyes welling with tears . We didn 't know what to say to each other , we didn 't have to say much . We simply looked at each other through teary eyes and nodded ever so slightly and said " okay . " They pushed my bed out of the birthing room and wheeled me through a number of doors . Suddenly I arrived in a stark room that was freezing cold . Nate couldn 't be there with me as they prepped , but they promised to bring him back when the c - section began . Someone did one final ultrasound to see where the boys ' heart rates were . They said later that they had to do that to see what kind of c - section I was going to have . If the heart rates had been poor , I would have been given general anesthesia and completely knocked out , and the boys would have been taken out within 1 minute of the beginning of the procedure . Because the heart rates were good , I was able to stay awake for the procedure . In my memory this prep time passed within seconds , but in speaking with Nate afterwards , it seemed to him to take an eternity . He was ushered into a waiting room where two people were sleeping , so he instead chose to pace the hallway . In the operating room , I was being moved to the operating table . I was told to hang my legs over the edge of the bed . A nurse whose name I never caught helped me to stay upright as the anesthesiologist prepped my back for a spinal . As he told me to hold still , she looked into my eyes and held me tight . A lightning bolt of pain shot down my left leg as the anesthesiologist injected the numbing medicine into my back . All I can remember is her eyes … sympathetic and kind . She helped me lay back on the table , and was gone in an instant . All of a sudden there was a sheet across my bust , my glasses were taken off of my face . I heard my OB saying that they were ready to begin . I called out for Nate . He arrived by my side and took my hand as the OB was making his first cut . I cannot remember in what order things occurred . I remember that the OB tried to joke with me and tell me that he was having a hard time getting through my abdominal muscles because they were thick and strong . I remember wanting to thank him for ruining them . At some point , I started having intense nausea from the spinal . There was nothing in my stomach for me to vomit , so I dry heaved for what seemed like an eternity . I am sure that Nate held the pink kidney - shaped basin , but could not see anything without my glasses . I remember the OB telling me that there was a lot of blood in my uterus . At 6 : 36a , we heard our first baby cry . " Baby A is out ! " said the voice behind the curtain . For several months prior , I had a daydream about this exact moment . In my daydream , I turned to Nate and said something about this being the only time in our lives that we were going to have just one child , as we prepared for Baby B to make his entrance . But things didn 't happen this way . The time in between Babies A and B was filled with angst about Baby B getting out . I just wanted to hear his cry as well . There is something ingrained in you that makes you think if you can just hear them cry , everything is going to be ok . The OB told me after Baby A was out that there was no blood in his amniotic sac . This was a good thing . They walked him past curtain for us to see , but I couldn 't see anything because I didn 't have my glasses . The neonatal team whisked Baby A away to another room to do his Apgar assessment . The OB continued up into my uterus to find Baby B . He opened up the amniotic sac , and again announced that there was no blood inside . He pulled Baby B out at 6 : 38a , and we again anxiously awaited the cry . I remember not hearing anything at first . I was immediately scared . Then a small cry emerged from behind the curtain . He was walked past the curtain , and even though I could not see , I could see that the middle of his face was black with bruise . He , too , was whisked away . I sent Nate with the boys . Every mother has an idea of what the moment that she names her child will be like . In my mind , it is a quiet solitary moment where I have just performed the feat of birthing two full term baby boys who are completely healthy and each weigh 8 pounds . Nate wipes the sweat from my brow , and the nurse hands me two babies in blue blankets both quietly sleeping . I look lovingly to the right and name Baby A Luke Pascall in honor of my paternal grandmother 's family . I look lovingly to the left and name Baby B William Rost in honor of my maternal grandmother 's family . In actuality , I believe that we named Luke and William as they were being paraded past us on their way to the neonatal team . After Nate left my side , there wasn 't anyone close by my head for me to talk to . This was not a big deal until all of a sudden , I could not breathe . I tried to cry out , but no one seemed to hear me . I started hyperventilating , and this must have set off alarms . " Some … thing … is wrong … I … can 't … . breathe … " was all I could muster . The OB laughed behind the curtain and all of a sudden I could breathe again . He told me that he was clearing out the contents of my uterus , and that he had been pushing on my diaphragm . " See ? " he asked , as he pushed on it again and the uncomfortable feeling in my lungs returned . I look back and now and think this is a funny story , but at the time , it pissed me off . Nate returned after some amount of time , though I have no idea how long it was . He said that the boys looked good , and that they were being taken to the high risk nursery . The boys had done pretty well on their one and five minute Apgar tests , better than they had thought 29 weekers without steroids could do . Luke had come out weighing 3 pounds and 7 ounces , Will had weighed 2 pounds and 15 ounces . For 29 weekers , my boys were huge . The nurses immediately told me that I had done a great job in growing babies , but I couldn 't fight the growing sense of doubt and guilt that I had not done a good job holding on to them . The nurses and doctors that had been with me through my ordeal through the night changed shift at 7a on the dot . I do not recall seeing the OB or the nurse with the strange name or the nurse whose eyes had understood my pain during the spinal again that day . The team clearing my operating room was completely different . I was wheeled into a recovery room and immediately covered with warm blankets . As I came off of the anesthesia , my body shook violently and I felt very cold . I was in a good mood , and Nate and a friendly nurse were by my side . Every couple of minutes , the nurse would push painfully on my uterus to void blood and encourage my uterus to start firming up . As the spinal wore off , this process hurt more and more . It seemed to take a while for them to get the order for me to be able to start taking IV pain medication . I was being given pitocin through my IV to help my uterus continue to contract . The high risk nursery is a scary place for a newcomer . Its often dark and no one speaks more loud than a whisper . There are constant monitors beeping , ventilators moving , and the littlest babies that you 've ever seen covered in tape and rubber tubing lying motionless amongst it all . I met William first because his radiant warmer was the closest to the entrance . I tried to look at his face , but had a hard time because there were so many tubes blocking my view . He was on a CPAP machine to help him breathe and also had antibiotic gel on his eyes . The only thing I could see were his lips , and from my vantage point , it appeared as though he had a cleft palate . The first question I asked about my son was " what 's wrong with his mouth ? " Looking back , I think that is a horrible first thing to ask . At the time , hopped up on narcotics , without having slept for more than 24 hours , and having been through the most stressful day of my life up to that point , it seemed like a perfectly normal thing to ask . The nurse assured me he was fine and did not have a cleft palate . I could see that little Will had very thin blonde hair . His arms and legs were long , and he hadn 't yet had the opportunity to fill in all of his skin . Really , he looked like a little old man . I felt as though I had to try very hard to see my son beyond this baby with more tubes and monitors than I could keep track of . Luke was in the radiant warmer to the left . He had all the same tubes , monitors , and extra skin that Will did . At this point , the only differentiating characteristic was that Luke had dark wavy hair . The nurse explained that they had given each boy a dose of surfactant , which would help their lungs open up . They seemed to be doing well . The nurses had made tags for their ankles with my name on them . They had also made tags for their beds with their names , birth date and time , weight and length . It was a surreal thing to see this name that you 'd been keeping secret for months and excited about giving attached to a baby that you weren 't ready to see yet . And to see their birth dates , weights and lengths made me sad . It should have been such an exciting day … their birthday … the day Nate and I became parents . But for me , it was a day filled with fear , angst , and guilt . I was not allowed to get out of my gurney during this first trip to the nursery , so I met my sons laying down , just as they were . I had an IV attached to my left hand , and three bracelets on my right wrist . One for me , one for Luke and one for Will . We left the nursery feeling as though things were ok . Once I was settled into my room , I met the nurses and was told that they wanted me up and walking as soon as possible . Because I 'd had surgery , I was at risk for blood clots , and walking encourages circulation , thereby decreasing the risk of clot . I did not feel up to walking for another couple of hours . Because things had happened so quickly , we had not had the opportunity to call our parents back to let them know that the boys had arrived . The last they knew was that we were in the hospital and I was bleeding . I wasn 't prepared for the questions or the tears that I knew would come if I had to explain to three sets of parents what had happened , so Nate made those calls . I do not recall the order in which Nate called our parents . Prior to our birth experience , this seemed like a big deal to me … who got the first call when the boys arrived as expected on May 25 ? I 'd also stressed over who was going to be allowed in the birth room with me ( only Nate ) , and who was going to stay at our house while the boys and I were in the hospital . Looking back , it was all so trivial . My stepdad Scott answered the phone when Nate called my mom . He was definitely asleep when he took the call , because when Nate said " the boys have arrived , " Scott 's response was something along the lines of " good , thanks for calling . " A couple of minutes later , my confused mother called back . Scott had simply told her that the baby was here and had laid back down . She got worried for a number of reasons , as she knew that we were not due for 11 more weeks and that there were two babies , not just one ! Mom and Scott were in upstate New York for one of Scott 's jobs , so Mom started figuring out how she was going to get from there to Raleigh as quickly as possible . Nate was unable to reach my father . We 'd left him a couple of messages at home and on cell phones during the night , but hadn 't gotten a call back . Although I didn 't know it , they had spent the weekend with Tammy 's family in Pennsylvania and did not get good cell reception . My grandmother was finally able to reach them . Late on the night of March 11 , my mom , dad and stepmom arrived to be by our sides . I think the hardest call that Nate had to make was to his parents . He wanted to be so strong and confident so they would not worry , but was feeling so scared and fearful underneath . I do not think that anyone really knew what to say . Nate 's parents would be heading down in a couple of days . The following day went by very quickly . Perhaps because of the post - op medications , perhaps because of the fear . On their second day of life , Will 's blood work came back oddly and his neonatologist ordered an ultrasound of his brain , heart , and abdominal organs to rule out bleeding . Will 's ultrasound revealed a huge hemorrhage in his brain and liver encapsulation . I remember when the neonatologist came to give us the news . I was sitting in my hospital bed , catching my breath and feeling like things were ok . The second I heard " brain hemorrhage , " I felt as though I died . I cried … sobbed . . hurt like I had never done before . The neonatologist was kind and quiet . He understood . He left my bed and immediately started searching for larger hospitals to transfer Will to . The hospital where Luke and Will were born was not equipped to handle these types of situations . Thankfully , he said , we were within 30 miles of 3 hospitals with intensive neonatal intensive care units . I cannot accurately describe the grief that we felt . The sense of loss and unknowing . The heartbreak over wanting to love these boys , to pick them up and love them to make the world disappear … but being unable to do more than touch their warm , fuzzy bodies . It seemed like forever and very frustrating , but we finally learned on March 13 that Will and Luke would be transferred to the University of North Carolina . They had two NICU beds come available , though only one was open that day and they would be transferring Will because of the criticality of his situation . Luke would follow on March 14 , the day that I would be discharged . Nate and my dad went with Will to UNC , while my mom and I stayed behind with Luke . It was so hard to be separated . I couldn 't gauge from Nate 's voice on the phone how things were going . I was getting around a little better and spent as much time with Luke as I could . The doctors said he was doing well . He was breathing faster than his CPAP , so they moved him to minimal oxygen support . He had yet to open his eyes . My arms ached to hold him . My mom wheeled me down to the cafeteria for my first meal outside of my room since the boys were born . The only thing open was a sub shop . I didn 't care what I ate . My mouth tasted like dust . My face was ugly , pink and blotchy and swollen . I didn 't really want to be out of the safety of my room or the hum of Luke 's bedside . I stood up to place my order , and the attendant looked visibly shocked by my appearance . He made my sandwich quickly , and then handed it to my mom . Then he said " ma ' am , I hope that whatever is ailing you , that this sandwich will make it all a little better . " I started crying again . The morning of March 14 was very busy . Upon waking , we were informed that the ambulance was on its way to transfer Luke the 30 miles to UNC . That meant I was leaving too . I painfully showered . The nurse removed my c - section staples . I packed up my things . I was ready to go … ready to have all 4 of us together again . The transfer team told me that Luke looked good . He was starting to open his eyes slightly as they transferred him to an incubator on a stretcher . I held his hand . I tried to smile , but it was all still very surreal . They wheeled him away and told us that they would see us in 45 minutes . My mom and I said goodbye to the NICU staff before they wheeled me to the front door of the hospital . I was no longer a patient , I was a mom on a mission . And my mom couldn 't drive fast enough . I wanted to be an UNC to welcome Luke and see my boys . We arrived at UNC at what seemed like a painfully long drive . My dad and Nate met us in the parking garage with a wheelchair for me . I wanted to walk , but I couldn 't . I was wheeled out of one hospital and into another . Nate 's parents arrived around that same time . I cried when I looked into their faces . They were being so strong . At UNC , you 're required to get a sticker badge every day before you go into the NICU . I just wanted to see my boys . But rather than heading up to the 4th floor of the Children 's Hospital , I had to stand up and have my pictures taken . I was angry . The photo looked like a mug shot . For the next several years , they kept the same photo on file . Every day we checked into the NICU , any time we were back in the hospital because of shunt malfunctions or g - tube surgery , I had to wear a photo of myself from March 14 , 2007 … one of the worst days of my life . We went up to the NICU finally after receiving our badges . I saw Will in a bright and sunny room , with a happy pregnant nurse perched next to him . He looked so small , so many tubes . There was a space in the bay next to him for Luke , but there was no Luke . With the delay with our badges , he definitely should have been there already . Where was he ? I don 't remember how we were told , but someone informed us that Luke had stopped breathing in the ambulance . They had to stop on the side of Interstate 40 and resuscitate him . When the transfer team finally arrived , Luke was on a ventilator and no longer breathing on his own . The nurses and doctors ushered us out as they went through Luke 's admission process . All of a sudden , all of our parents were gone and Nate and I were walking into a private room to talk . Nate 's eyes were brimming with tears . We hugged for an eternity . This wasn 't what we were expecting . This was not the baptism into parenthood that we had spent the past 29 weeks dreaming of . Through a heaving chest and shaking hands , Nate told me that the day before … the day he had sounded so distant on the phone , the NICU doctors at UNC told him that they didn 't think that Will was going to live . His brain bleed was one of the most severe they had ever seen . They wanted to know if he wanted to meet with a chaplain . He was just trying to hold it together and be strong for me . I was happy that my dad had been with him when he had gotten that news . After Luke was admitted and hooked up to all his monitors , an ultrasound was ordered of his brain and internal organs . We learned that he also had a brain hemorrhage , but it was less severe than Will 's . We processed so much devastating news in such a short period of time . Who knew which way was up ? Not us . We were just holding on to each other for dear life . Will was on several medications and blood products to keep him stable and a ventilator to breath for him . Within a day , his bilirubin levels were high and he had to be placed under UV lights . Luke soon followed suit . Repeat ultrasounds were ordered for the boys brains and internal organs , which showed that the brain bleeding had stopped and were no larger than a few days before . They ordered an EEG on Will , which showed that he was not having any seizures . Thank goodness for small miracles . We left the NICU that evening with heavy hearts . It was the first time that I had been away from one of the boys since they were born . We went to eat at a steak restaurant close to the hospital because I was severely anemic and needed iron . Before we ate , my father in law lead us in prayer and proposed the sweetest toast to our baby boys . But I couldn 't handle it . I wasn 't ready for them to be here with us yet , much less be in their precarious states . I cried . I didn 't feel happy that they were born . I felt scared . Why was this happening ? After dinner , I drove home with my mom . A silent ride . I walked in the door , and again felt so sad . The last time I was there , things were still okay . Things had changed so dramatically in such a short time . Otis greeted us at the door . I sat on the floor to hug him , sobbing . He didn 't know what was going on , and ran away from me . I sat on the floor by myself and cried . I felt alone even though I was surrounded by love . I took a shower and just cried . I ran our hot water heater cold but it didn 't matter . No amount of heat or steam was going to make this pain go away . No one could give me a direction or a sign or a purpose or a reason . I prayed to God to bring my sons safely through this dangerous time . I prayed that He would allow Luke and Will to grow and to thrive , and help them to forgive me and my body for failing to keep them safe . Nate and I made a pact that night . We agreed that no matter what happened , no matter the news that we were given or the way that we felt or the shortness of each other 's tempers , how we felt was okay . There was no right or wrong way to feel . It just was . We seemed to know at that moment that we were in this for the long haul . The next three days are a blur . We were quickly indoctrinated into the NICU life . Getting our badge , checking in , washing hands , rushing to be by our boys ' sides . Each day , Nate would stop in to talk to the attending doctor before seeing Luke and Will . I didn 't talk to a doctor until the boys were at least a week old . I had learned in the first couple of days that talking to doctors made me feel sad . They didn 't have much in the way of good news . I didn 't want to fear the next shoe dropping each day . So I bypassed the doctors and went straight in to see the boys . Their nurses were cheery , and positive . I needed that . We soon learned about the monitors that the boys were on , what each little dinging sound meant and when there was something to be concerned about . We got to know the respiration technicians who monitored the ventilators and the boys ' breathing , and cheered as the boys would keep down 10mL of the breastmilk that I pumped for them . The only thing that I could do for them … I cried when I pumped . It wasn 't how I wanted things to be . I felt as though my body had failed me by birthing my sons 11 weeks early , and that producing ounce after ounce of milk was the consolation prize . When the boys were one week old , our parents went home . Things were quiet . Sad . We went to the NICU on that Sunday , thinking it would be another day of sitting by bed side , watching the vents breath for the boys , watching PICC lines get flushed , watching the monitors show us respiration and heart rates … always just watching . We ached to hold them , but because they weren 't stable yet and hadn 't opened their eyes , we were just allowed to watch . And change diapers . But on that Sunday , exactly one week after they were born , when we sat and watched and waited for more of the same , the unexpected happened . Luke 's nurse Lauren asked if we were ready to hold him . His status had been changed to stable . And he was finally starting to open his eyes . My heart skipped a beat . I was nervous . There were a lot of wires and tubes . . . and what if I hurt him ? Or he stopped breathing ? Could I squish him ? She chuckled a little bit and told me that is what the monitors were for , and that if I would just sit back in the chair , she would place him securely and safely onto my chest . All I felt in that moment was peace and the warmth of my first born . For a week I had craved this touch , wanting to smell his head and hold his hand . I snuggled that 3lb 6oz boy as if my life depended on it . Luke 's breathing soon mimicked my own . His high heart rate and respiration rate monitors stopped beeping . He was at peace too . This is where he wanted to be . Will 's nurse Jenny sought out the attending physician to see if Will was ready to be held . We were given the ok to hold him too , though he had not yet opened his eyes . He was considered stable . And just as I had been given the instructions to take a seat , Nate pulled up a chair next to me and grinned through tears as Will was placed on his chest . And there we sat , the family of four we had dreamed about … finally snuggling and loving as it was intended . It was a week later than we would have liked , but certainly better than never at all . In and amongst the tubes and the wires and the vents and the hustle , we finally felt like a family . And Will chose that perfect moment to finally open his eyes . I read your story feeling it was so familiar to my own . The bleeding , the terror , the steroid shots , the waiting , the NICU . . . it all came back to life . I have not wanted to go there . I like to fast forward past that time and forget about the traumatic births of my children . My first born came into the world that way , and it happened again with my second child . I don 't think if we decide to have more children it will be any different . My body just can 't make it work , for reasons no one has been able to explain . Thank you for sharing your story with the world . It reaches and touches more people than you can imagine . I 'm trying to find a balance between holding it all together and throwing it all to the wind . By nature , I am 100 % Type A . I lived a very planned and predictable life . But as I became a mother , I 've tried hard to let some of that go . Going with the flow always seemed less stressful from the outside looking in ! Sometimes I am successful in my goal of embracing the chaos of life with 3 kids , a marriage , special needs , and a full time career . Sometimes : ) |
Become It Don 't let it touch you . That 's what the old ladies always told us . Don 't let it catch you , don 't let it touch you . It didn 't matter how fast I ran , I could always hear the footsteps behind me . It was a thud and a splat , like a bag of wet garbage being dropped in succession . One after another , they came down again and again . In the pitch black of night , it was hard to keep my feet going one in front of the other . Staying upright was hard , keeping my eyes forward was harder . The street was empty . In this part of town it was all half - built shopping malls and empty lots . Only the occasional car lit up the roadside patch of dead - grass in front of me . When the street lit up , my heart would fill with hope , only to be flattened each time as 3am drivers sped right by . No one was going to see me die . They said it chose bad boys that became bad men . As a mother 's tale it was sound . You didn 't brush your teeth , you didn 't wipe your ass , it would come for you . We were supposed to fear it for life . It didn 't end with your trash chores , the absent father and the abuser could suffer as well . Except they never did , and then bad boys forget . It was close now , I could smell it . It was an odor like rotting eggs drowned in settled mud . I had to fight back the urge to gag . All I could do is push harder . The sound of another car approached . I made the decision , and split off into the road , almost falling to my face as I did . I ran to the middle of the street , and waved my arms as the bright lights of the car 's high beams centered on me . I saw it , before I closed my eyes . It was a silhouette then , the car lights turning it into a creature of shadows . Then I saw nothing , and my body clenched as I waited for the car to run me over . Did they not see it ? Were they blind , or was it invisible . Maybe I was just mad . Another footstep gave me no time to ask further questions . I ran across the street , passing into the lot of a public storage company . It was dark at this hour , with only one light hanging over the gate to the property . There were billions of bad men . Why would anyone think they were the one at risk ? There was an answer though , not one I wanted to recognize . It wasn 't just bad boys who were hunted , it was our bad boys . I thought I was one of billions , but I was one in a dozen , the few boys to survive and continue to be around . Of them , I was the worst . Melrose had a business , CJ was a pastor , Eddie was working two jobs to feed his twins . Then there was me . I slowed down . My breath came in desperate pants , my lungs were burning , my legs ached . It was a dead end . Some idiot thought having a U shape in the garages was a brilliant idea , and now there was nowhere else to go . Coughing , I shuffled to the deepest storage unit , and fought with the lock on it . I tried to ignore the whumps growing louder behind me , and the acrid smell that was filling my lungs with every breath . My eyes were watering , and I was covered in sweat . It was right behind me , I could feel a heat coming off of it . Did it want me to turn around and look at it ? It made a gurgling noise , the sound of a man 's last breath . The skin looked like green boils sliding down it in waves . It was wider and taller than any man , but still shaped like one . But unlike any man , the flesh was fluid , like an endless fountain of the bile and blood that it called a body , spilling in undulating waves . It kept coming , and the longer I looked , the more my stomach tried to crawl up my throat . It wasn 't fair . Melrose was running his dad 's business . CJ grew up in the church , his uncle cared for him , taught him until he had a congregation of his own . Eddie 's mom remarried after his dad died . I was just the child of another bad man , couldn 't it see that ? Didn 't it know I had nothing ? I had to take everything to even get as far as I did . The creature was shrinking as it poured itself over me . The weight built up around my legs and waist . It was a crushing and smothering sensation , the heat and mass . It was becoming hard to breath . No matter how much I fought against it , the force of the flow would just knock me back , pin me to the wall . There was no escaping it , that was what they said . Don 't let it touch you , don 't let it catch you . If it gets you , you become it . " I 'm sorry ! " I shouted into the night . Tears were burning my eyes , " I didn 't mean to hurt her , I 'm so sorry , don 't do this ! " I kept shouting it even as the terrible flesh built up around my neck , and I knew it would suffocate me . I was yelling , but I was thinking more . They were excuses , sure , but I thought of them as additions . I didn 't mean to hurt her , but she swung at me first . I 'm so sorry , but this ain 't my fault . Don 't do this , I don 't deserve it . When it first spilled down my throat , I wanted to retch . Not even that had enough force to counter the flow and the force . It kept coming , it filled me , the sweltering heat over my whole body . There was something inside its shrinking form . I blinked away my tears . It was a man , pale brown skin locked inside the fleeing bubbling mass . Tears were streaming down his face as he took in panicked breaths , the mass no longer choking him . His familiar eyes were locked on me as he cried , they were just like mine . They were my father 's eyes . The old ladies always told us , don 't let it touch you . Don 't let it catch you , or you will become it . It will imprison you , and you will become it . I shared a previous snippet on here with what I would call ' Urban Sci - fi ' , and really I haven 't continued too much further with it . Experimenting with the concept is fun , but so far nothing has felt golden . What I wrote today is a scene set in the same universe as my NaNoWriMo stories , a ' socialist paradise ' cyberpunk world where the corporations were were defeated after years of harsh classic cyberpunk like darkness . Life doesn 't get too much better when the world rewrites itself after years of cyberpunk . The door swung open , letting in a flood of noise from the street . It was the sound of people cursing , jeering , laughing . That meant Tee was home , and he brought friends . " Hey RJ , " Tee said as he walked in and collapsed into the only other seat in the small ' Famdorm ' family apartment , " You looking to get pretty ? " Tee looked like his shirt was wound on too tight , and his pants belonged to a different species entirely . It was all a little colorful , but it was the trend . The colors were defiant , against the endless gray into blue built into so many government built complexes like where RJ lived . He had two others with him , Mark , and Dabble , both nicknames , both kids from the Loop . RJ looked over . The three of them surrounded a low table stacked with boxes from fast food and deliveries , with a small space left for RJ 's mother 's flower vase filled with little white marbles . Tee was smiling at him , showing off the left half of his teeth that had been replaced with plastic - like replacements that gave off fluorescent color in the right light . RJ knew he didn 't forget . It was just how Tee was . RJ could be in the middle of winning them the Sea - Van lottery , and Tee would forget to remind him to turn in the slip . He thrived on conflict , those little moments where it seemed like there was nothing in the world but your own troubles . " Man but it 's hot in here , " Dabble complained as he shut the door and joined the others at the table . Mark was the quiet one . He was also a bit of a punk . That 's where the name came from . You told him what to do , and he turn down his eyes and comply . You could get him to walk into a room of blackcaps in full riot gear if barked hard enough . It was no wonder he got mixed up with the wrong crowd . Tee pulled out a baggie of crudely proportioned uncut tablets of glistening red . He pulled the stick out on the table , and got a small knife to divide it up between them . Mark smiled and rubbed his hands together , Dabble just watched Tee 's hands work . He was talking to RJ , pretended not to notice . Not because he didn 't like Dabble , Dabble was fine . He just didn 't want to talk about Wendy . He had enough problems in life without cutting at festering sores and seeing what fresh stuff he could pull out of them . That was Tee being a friend , for what it was worth . RJ 's display popped up a picture from a shooting the night before . Well , it was pictures of the crime scene , with Sea - Van law surrounding the point of the murder . Mark must have seen it from where he sat , " That that scene near the underground ? " " No suspect , no weapon , " RJ added , scrolling down . Dabble was right , this explained all the cops . An NAB official gets shot in their neighborhood , they had something to prove . They wanted to pin someone down . Boys on the street were going to suffer for it , he had seen it so many times before . They were going to be harassed , searched , a few would probably end up in the hospital . He was going to have to stay off the streets , he needed his record to stay clean for the job interview . Corporate didn 't like recent arrests , especially if it was related to one of their own . Even finding a chance at a job was hard enough , especially one that would pay good enough to get him out of the dorms . Losing it all to a wave of random arrests would be one more burn in his crisp black history . RJ turned and saw a plain white box sitting on the table with the rest of the trash there . It didn 't have any real distinguishing marks , but looked used . It looked like Tee accidentally ran his arm into it while cutting . It wasn 't RJ 's . Back on his console , RJ had a message . It was anonymous , which meant it was probably junk . He still hit it , and a username that was just a series of numbers popped up . RJ picked it up , and turned the box over in his hands . It was almost as long as his arm , but not nearly as deep . It opened with a clasp that was tied with a zip tie . Whatever it was , he was sure it wasn 't his . It was an SSW 9mm ' Predator ' pistol . The gun had a long black barrel , the nu - safety technology that had become common . Still , the weapon looked worn . There was a magazine emptied , with slots where ammunition would sit beneath the magazine 's space . Only four bullets were in the case . Then there was a scream outside , and all heads turned . There was a muffled popping noise , and a distant whine . Tee shot to the door , opening the viewport and peeking out . His back went stiff , and RJ could see that he was ready to run already . A bus ? They were going to take anyone that looked young and dark enough to have shot someone , and process them all . At least the ones they didn 't leave facedown in a puddle of their own blood . Worse , he was holding a gun that wasn 't his , while a killer was on the run somewhere . " We gotta clean this up , " Tee said as he looked around . He snatched up the remaining tabs of Sparkle , slapping Mark 's tab out of his hand , " Help me stupid , they 're coming in here . " Even Dabble stared at it . A little box of trouble dropped into their lives . The NAB didn 't take kindly to weapons at all , but a gun like this would get them locked up for a long time . Just having his prints on that box would be enough to get RJ sent away . what else could be done ? Fight off a whole complex full of cops ? Take on Blustar and fight their way across the country ? They had to hide , but there was no hiding . He went back to his console , his eyes flashing to that stranger in a chat window . There was a new message , a winking emote . It was always something . Life could never get easier . 08 / 08 / 2015 by MD Kid Categories : Fiction | Tags : amwriting , Black , creative writing , cyberpunk , saturday scenes , urban Well , just the ' bars ' of said rap . Really , this is just from the last few days . Well , it is more an open poem or something . Okay , enough , here it is . I am pretty sure I mentioned a few months ago that I have started alternating between editing months and writing months . During June I spent time going over a collection of short stories I have , but now July has begun . That means it is time to write , all sorts of writing , stories , poems , and maybe even lyrics . So I will do my best . Maybe that means I give up after five days , maybe that means I record some terrible lyrics and make a fool of myself like when I tried to record spoken word . At the end of the day , this is my proclamation . Think of it as that moment in any anime when the main character tells you what the series is about in the first episode . What , a saturday scene with a priest in it ? Surely Marshall is responding to the historic announcement yesterday ? Nope , I 'm just messing with a draft that happens to have a priest main character . Though I might talk about Friday later this week , my views on it aren 't really necessary . This is part of a sequel to a previous Nanowrimo . I don 't often do first person , mostly because I sort of throw words out in a mix of past and present tense , which comes out garbled . Either way , here we go . If any of the details of the religion itself throw you off , just remember it doesn 't matter . All of their eyes are locked on me . Some of them are powerful people , business owners , veterans , doctors , family heads . In their day to day life they are in charge , but in this moment , they all look to the pulpit and listen . I adjust my vestment with a hand , and scan the crowd . " I tell them , love isn 't a rose , not metaphorically or physically , with thorns and all . Though they never believe me , I tell them that if they want to feel the true warmth of Jua , they don 't need anything but the spirit he earned you , and defends for you . " The lecture was about being close to god . I spent the two nights before preparing it after the Wilt family kid came to me and asked if god and his mates loved him or not . There , out in the grass behind the temple , I fumbled . I could only tell him what I 'm sure his mother had told him before , ' rest assured , you are loved . ' " We must recognize the signs that are already there , " I said tilting my voice up , " We feel love every day of our lives . Love is that sickening feeling in your gut when someone is attacked , or in pain . It rips at your insides , keeps you up , boils your blood . That 's how I know I love this community , that 's how I know I love god . " They cheered as the sermon peaked , and I looked down to the front row among the clapping patrons . Hans was there , in a pressed suit with his well - trimmed hair , smiling up at me . I couldn 't help but grin back . " We can look to the stories , " I continued , bringing my voice back down , " I can tell you the line ; moon chapter 4 line 22 , clash chapter 1 line 10 . I can throw quotes at you all day but that won 't mean a thing unless you leave yourself open to seeing him , and loving him . Then you will know what he feels in return for everyone , and you will understand that you are loved . " The crowd turned to chanting , and I could hear old Eliza swooning in the back rows . It wasn 't just rhetoric , I could feel the fluttering in my stomach there in front of everyone . It felt like my body , chest outward , was radiating vital essence of the divine . I concluded , and they left row by row , stopping to hold hands , say passing words to each other , give a pat on the back . I Turned , and he smiled down , but it wasn 't the same smile as before . It was crafted , strained . It didn 't take long to see why . " Priestess , " He said with a level of mirth the statement didn 't need , " That 's exactly why I stopped in today . I 'm glad I did , that sermon was exquisite . You really are a touch of the divine , I felt infused by every word . " Compliments were the weapons of kings , both good and evil . There was no way to avoid them , so I let them wash over me , and took what good I could knowing the man in front of me . " Do you want to go to my office ? " I offered . I put a finger to side of my lips , and I saw the governor twitch as I did . The motion was instinctive , but I regretted it anyway . Even if he was so open to manipulating me , it didn 't do to manipulate him in return . That wasn 't my place , and never would be . " All ready to go , dear ? " Hans said when the governor was far enough away . He looked tired , even though he wasn 't the one who just finished talking for a few hours . I had a lot of planning to do . Important people would be in town , and I had a duty to fulfill . Not just to the community , and by that the governor as well , but to Jua himself . Sorry folks , I was in Canada last Saturday , so I forgot to post this . Well here it is now , a sort of culmination to the previous werewolf stories . It includes everyone 's favorite extra NPC , Lt . Spatz . Sixth Ranger There was a rustle in the bushes . It was more than just the wind , larger than some rabbit . People were moving , and people meant danger . They always do . A little girl popped into the clearing , chasing a grasshopper , wearing a small backpack and colorful boots with a cartoon character on the side . She looked around , and her eyes filled with wonder at the animal she saw lying there in the little den . A woman came into the clearing , wearing hiking gear and a larger pack than the child . She was dismissive at first , reaching for her daughter 's hand to pull her aside . Then she saw the wolf , and her whole body went rigid . She pulled the girl close , and tried to be still . He laid back down . Who did that lady think she was , calling him shaggy ? He looked at the sun , rising high in the air , and decided he needed to go . He rose once more , trotted through the underbrush , and continued down the hillsides until he could smell the indistinguishable scent of port - a - potties , hot dogs , and motor oil . His perspective rose , and he could feel his body twisting beneath his skin . Spatz pushed through a bush , and sat down on a bench at the edge of the park . He let out a sigh . There was relief there , he had to tell himself that . Somehow , life was a little better than before , if only a little . Then his phone started to vibrate out of control . It buzzed , and buzzed , and buzzed until he could pull the iPhone out of his pocket and check it . Five voicemails , at least fifteen texts , the phone stopped counting . He was going to look through the list of missed calls , but then Meredith began calling . He picked it up , leaned his head back , " Yes ? " He could tell she was stressed . Considering everything that was going on , he wasn 't surprised . She was trying to construct a new pack , pay respects to the old , and lead a war . He didn 't envy her . She was talking to someone else in the background . Spike ? The two new entries were still adjusting to how Meredith did business . To tell the truth , he trusted Cam and Mike more , and that 's saying a lot since he was sure Cam wanted to fight him . That tied Spatz ' stomach in a knot . If she was talking about Levi , she would say so , wouldn 't she ? Maybe , he knew Meredith kept secrets , who didn 't have secrets ? Still , he prided himself on having some idea what she was planning . It said , " Have werewolves ever thought of just , not wearing leather ? " Spatz tried to read it again , but it didn 't make any additional sense . Was he drinking ? Hopefully not . He walked in on the scene , and saw Chicago PD swarming everywhere . They were taking forensics , orders were being shouted back and forth . He sniffed , and the scents in the room made him want to pinch his nose . " What are you doing here , Lieutenant Spatz right ? " asked a Lieutenant from Chicago he saw now and again . The guy was tall , and a hard - ass , real territorial . Unfortunately , he had other loyalties that meant he wasn 't all that useful as a contact . He was waved into the hall , and Spatz could feel the air get thicker as they walked . They reached a staircase , and the Lieutenant pointed for him to walk down . They got to the bottom , and reached a room covered in tribal gear and chiminage . The walls and ground were painted in blood that stank of something strange . There were two more scents , ones Spatz couldn 't mistake for anything else . Later that morning he was at Naperville central . He was out back of the school , and Mike was attempting to do his best impersonation of a shadow on the wall . " They aren 't saying anything because they don 't know anything , " Spatz said , an arm against the wall , " But they can 't smell you on the knife Mike , I can . " Spatz flared his nostrils , " No , you 're not in trouble . But I know the knife is yours , and they are freaking out in there . You can 't have knives at school , I 'm pretty sure that is in the rulebook somewhere . " That was the ' I didn 't read the notebook ' shrug . Spatz let out a groan , and ran his hand down his face . His phone buzzed , and he pulled it out to check it . Mike started to walk away , and Spatz called out to him . The boy turned around . He hadn 't exactly done anything to anyone , and considering what all attacked them at the school in the past , it wasn 't the stupidest idea to have a knife . It was just dangerous , and illegal . Mike shook his head , and then went back inside . Spatz was pretty sure he saw a smirk there . A little later he was outside an ice cream parlor . She sat at the bench - table , and seemed oblivious to what he was asking . Then her face lit up , " Oh , yeah . So we weren 't able to catch him . Still , we looked up the crystals , and they were a bunch of hippy stuff , a lot of articles about clearing the mind and helping stress . The kind of stuff mom would probably use . Then Jennifer and Dick were talking about hunting down other shifters to see what they knew , and I tried to tell them that they wouldn 't know anything , but they just kept talking about finding them and hurting them . She is such a bitch . " Spatz nodded , and ignored his phone going off in his pocket . He was losing track of what she was talking about , but it seemed like she was interacting with the local Pure girl . If they recruited her , what would they do with her ? Most Pure would rather rip a Forsaken to shreds than use them for some scheme . " Then I started thinking about Leonard , and they might hurt him , and I started crying . So I tried to call him , and he wasn 't answering . With all this weird stuff going on , what if he is already hurt ? I would just die . " He had no idea who Leonard was . Did he forget , or was Leonard just not important ? " Oh my god , what if he is just ignoring me ? " Sylvia said , her eyes going wide , " Oh my god , that dick . I 'll punch him . Well , maybe not , he got beat up pretty bad the other month . Still , I told him I liked him , and he said he liked me too . I can 't believe him ! " Later that day he was in a counseling office with a young man named Jacob . Mundane as far as he could tell , the boy just decided to try to make a weapon at school during shop class and use it against another student . " No one is going to press charges today , " Spatz said , " Still , you need to ask yourself where you were going with this . I know it seems like this world is everything today , but trust me there is a whole big world out there , and attacking someone like that can - " Spatz took a deep breath , held a finger up , and then plucked his phone out . It was Levi . He silenced it , and put it back . " Do you have somewhere to be ? " The kid said , his voice hoarse from an earlier screaming match with the faculty . " No , " He said , " I 'm here . " Cam had his bag in hand , full of what Spatz had to guess was boxing gear . There were other kids with him , none of which Spatz recognized . Cam looked at them , and the others laughed before Cam jogged over to the window . As far as Spatz could tell , getting Cam to trust you was the hard part . How Levi had ever managed it was a mystery that Spatz had never figured out . Spatz didn 't want to call it trust issues , with the bit of the guy 's history that he knew , he was right to keep himself distant . Still , he had some friends right there , that 's better than before . " I don 't know if you 've been watching the news , " Cam said , " But a Black guy jumping into a police car , not the safest scenario . " Spatz started to laugh , but let it fall off . He wasn 't exactly sure how to respond to that one . Cam looked over his shoulder , and waved goodbye to the rest of his group . Spatz smirked , " Wild right ? Not all the time , no . It helps control the chaos . We can 't just jump at every fight that pops up , sometimes you need rules . The hunt is the game . It makes it like a soccer game , sets up the boundaries , and defines the players . " There was a little regret there . Spatz could hear it . That wasn 't Cam 's fight , maybe it wasn 't the best time to bring him in . He didn 't know what the shifters were doing , he didn 't feel the pressure to get revenge against the Pure . Cam didn 't get to finish his sentence , a mess of fur and screams hit the sidewalk next to them . It looked like it fell out of an abandoned apartment building . It rolled over , scrambled to its feet , stood up like a man . Spatz shrugged , " Beshilu are always around . Another werewolf thing . Father wolf couldn 't destroy them , so they spread around the world , getting their revenge on us for always hunting them . " He tried not to roll his eyes . He was drinking at a younger age , though beers instead of colorful cocktails . " You 're kind of extra grumpy today , " Levi said as he went into the motel room freezer and pulled out a small assortment of alcohol . She wasn 't , it already started . Spatz didn 't bother explaining that , he knew what Levi 's response would be . Still , shifters and werewolves didn 't always get along , and that is just how it was . He was risking a lot even being there . What if Levi was also working with the Pure ? What if that was why Sylvia was so close to Jennifer ? What if he was just being played , or lead into a trap . What would be his excuse to Meredith when she found out he put central Illinois at risk , over what ? He didn 't have time to be guilt - tripped . He put on his coat , and went to the door . " Call me tomorrow , " Spatz said as he opened the door . There , peeking from behind the clouds , the full moon . He could feel it , like the heat of the sun at high noon , burning against his skin . Another werewolf might give in to it , another werewolf might have looked for bloodshed , or at least some act of violence or passion . Spatz walked around to the back of the motel , and his body began to shift . He fell to all fours , and let out a howl that made the night tremble . This was his night , and he had a long run ahead of him . Meredith was silent on the other side of the line . " Fine , " She said , " Can you pick up the boy ? I want him to join us tonight , and he seems reluctant . " " Yes ma ' am , " Spatz said . Then she hung up , and Spatz let out all the air in his lungs . Another day , and more work ahead . Time for a little more Werewolf storytime . This one follows one of the last two members of my group 's pack . His history is interesting , because his character development was shifted when he took the life of an enemy and the pack started to view him as less than stable . After that , his mother vanished from his house . He didn 't have it easy . A Good Boy Chicago was weird . Compared to the suburbs of Naperville , it was like living in a maze of neighborhoods . The world was always screaming , people shouting , cars roaring , and machines rumbling . At first it can make it hard to survive . Perseverance makes anything possible . It was bright enough out that Tim had his shades on . He pulled his backpack close , and looked back and forth across the street . There were buildings everywhere , half of them poorly marked offices and the others small shops and businesses that Tim had no interest in . The dog stayed close to his heels , stopping whenever he stopped , sniffing at people who passed Tim on the sidewalk . There was no hesitation . That was an aspect of spirits that Tim liked , when it was in his favor . The weaker ones rarely played games . Games were alien to them . The dog was at his feet , panting and looking around . A few people walking around were looking at him like he was insane . Maybe he was , at least a little bit . This whole adventure was starting to feel strange , like a dream . Though , what did that say about him . Becoming a giant beast , fighting other furred monsters , channeling spirits , that felt real . Chicago was dreamlike . Trying to maintain his GPA in undergrad studies , that was foreign . Tim could feel himself breathing too hard . Something was rumbling to the fore , a sensation like panic and anger all mixed in one . " Thank you , " Tim said . He went into his backpack , and pulled out a picture of him and the rest of the pack , taken in front of a pool back in Naperville . He found some gum on the pavement , and stuck the picture to the ground , at the edge of the camera 's view . " Come on boy , " Tim motioned and started to walk again . What was his mother doing here just a week ago ? Multiple watcher spirits had seen her , and he was closing in . Still , she always seemed ahead . To make it worse , his original suspicions weren 't true . None of the packs knew who she was . He consulted with a few Bone Shadow tribesman , and they couldn 't do much more than tell him to seek the aid of spirits . He was starting to fear the worst . Maybe his mother was a Pure . Maybe he should have taken Sylvia 's advice , let her come and sniff his mother out . This was his problem though . He didn 't want to join a war , and he wasn 't joining Meredith . With Levi off doing whatever , he was all by himself . He stopped and gave the dog a rub on the head . It barked softly , and Tim pulled out a treat . Later they would go and hunt , find a fresh kill , and Tim could relax . He stood and looked at the building in front of him . It wasn 't marked with a name , but there was something about the logo . There were two birds there , based on their heads they looked like eagles . His mind went back to the letter from his mother , and the two feathers he found inside . Tim looked down , " I guess we better check it out . Keep quiet though . " He walked inside , and a secretary behind a desk smiled at him . The whole business looked like a meeting house . There weren 't any brochures , or signs . Nothing was welcoming to strangers , if you weren 't looking for this place you could walk in walk out and never know where you were . Shit . Tim could feel a million thoughts bubbling to the surface , but none of them were going to get him past a simple secretary . Maybe he should just run out , pretend he was in the wrong building . It was easier than looking at that smiling face and waiting for the word - puke to come out . This was a breakthrough . There was no other way to see it . His mother wanted him to find this place , wanted him to know she was going to come here . What was here ? He walked over to a plaque , covered with a few first names , the two - bird logo , and saw ' TEL elders ' . " Two - eagle league ? Twin - eagle lodge ? A million other possibilities . He could ask , except that might look strange if he was supposed to be here . He would ask a spirit , except this building seemed mostly barren . The man smiled , and looked down at the dog . " Someone 's a little protective . Hi , I 'm Ray . You said Kirsten recommended you ? " He needed to run . He needed to turn tail and bolt as soon as he could . Still , they knew his mother . His mother lead him here , and they knew anything about her . He had to stay for now . He nodded , and followed as Ray walked down a hall . The building wasn 't barren . The resonance was dark . This building had a locus , he could feel that now . It had a locus , and something was feeding on it . They walked past rooms that looked like small meeting rooms , like classrooms for children . Chalkboards , pictures of the outdoors , books piled on tables . " That 's okay , " Ray said , " If Kirsten wanted you here , that means she had her reasons . We have a history as environmentalists . Our lodge is at the forefront of the fights against Keystone , the pollution of Lake Michigan , even issues far away from Illinois . Recently we 're looking to expand , move our operations from something grassroots to something everyone in Chicago can be part of . " They went through a door , and Tim followed Ray down a thin staircase . He could feel something in the air , a sort of energy . This wasn 't just essence , it wasn 't just spirits , there was something else at play . What was his mother mixed up in ? They reached the landing , a small room . Two others were there , cleaning up damage . Was there a fight here ? He could smell it , blood was shed , recently , just days ago ? Was she there ? He could smell her in the mess , an old scent . It wasn 't quite mom , something was different . " Who is this ? " Said one of the men with a large broom in hand . This place , it wasn 't some environmentalist room . The center of the room , it had a large circle curved into the concrete foundation . A strange character was drawn there . It was repeated on the walls , crystals hung from the walls . It looked like a sort of tribal spiritualism , mixed with new age nonsense . Still , the power here was real . " You 've barked up the wrong tree , " Ray said , shrugging , " Uratha . " Who was Skyblossom ? Why would mother call herself Skyblossom ? " Tell me what you know about Kirsten English , " Tim said , putting his backpack down , " And I 'll let you keep going . " Claimed . Their bodies latched onto by terrible spirits . He couldn 't tell what they were , possibly magath . It infested them , a sick essence that leaked at the seams . The whole room was tainted with it . Why would his mom ever be here ? What was she hiding ? Ray 's arm started to twist and meld , until it became sharp like a knife . The others dropped their tools , and their bodies also began to warp . " Fine , " Tim whispered . He had a name now , that was enough , a new start . He could feel his body warping , the panic and anger gripping his heart as it exploded in size . He shook his head , and his shades fell away to reveal an eye misted with a field of stars . His whole body pulsed with muscle , his mind retreating in the face of the monster he was letting loose . This was their choice . A better Uratha might have had control . In the chaos that ensued , they might have been reserved and taken their time . The twisted spirits might have gained an upper - hand in those moments of hesitation . Tim didn 't let that happen . They weren 't powerful spirits , or particularly smart . They wanted to outnumber him , but he overpowered them . His claws ripped into sinew , and his jaws bit deep into their twisted flesh . They became more monstrous as the fighting continued , and Tim responded in kind . The chaos they were cleaning up was renewed , blood spread on the walls , claw marks across the occult symbols . When he finished , only one was still breathing , lying in a mess on the floor . " Come , " Tim said . The dog bounded to his side . They started back up the steps . As they made their way back to the front desk , Tim noticed the girl hiding behind the counter . Maybe he would txt Levi . Still , there was something he didn 't understand . The Claimed on the floor , he wasn 't taunting Tim with his silence . That look on his face when Skyblossom was brought up again , it was fear . A spirit so afraid of his mom they would stay silent and be destroyed ? I almost forgot to post fiction , on Saturday . What a travesty that would have been . Another Werewolf fiction , coming at you . This one featuring our group 's favorite little alpha in training , Sylvia . Sylvia walked out of the community center with her phone in hand . She waved goodbye to some of the kids , and then headed toward her car . It was the middle of the day now , she had the whole evening ahead of her . She could spend some of that heading back to her apartment on the Northside , or see what Kimiko was up to , or go on a run , or maybe Tessa wanted to chat . Jennifer 's hands came down on Sylvia 's wrist . She squeezed tight until the keys slipped free and fell to the concrete . When Sylvia looked up , Jennifer still had that same expression . " You 're in my territory , " Jennifer said , " I told you before . Your pack is gone , you gave up your claim . This is my pack 's land now . " Ever since they all broke up , Sylvia was the only one really left in town . Sure Mike and Cam came by to visit family , but then they were gone just as fast . Then Jennifer stuck her fat nose into everything . " You mean your dad 's pack ? " Sylvia said . She regretted it as soon as she said it . Unfortunately , the thought just popped up , and came out of her mouth . Jennifer was always so sensitive about everything . She was supposed to be evil , Sylvia had to be careful . She jumped into her car , and as Jennifer stood there brooding , she drove off into central Naperville . It was a nice day , the wind kept her cool , and she could relax . At least , it was close to relaxing . Every time she thought about it all , she got twisted up inside . It felt like she was going to puke , or cry , or both . She missed the past , which is weird because it included a lot of scary stuff , and nearly dying . Going to college was the last idea on her mind then , and here she was . That smell . It was like , dust , fungus , strange wood . She got out of her car , and walked around to the roadside . There was a small bit of woods there , and she knew if she followed it west , it would keep going until it hit a reserve . She looked both ways , and then covered her face with both hands before she started walking forward . There was the small snap and shift as her nose changed into a snout . She sniffed again , and got even more . This wasn 't normal , whatever it was . At the same time , it was a little familiar . When she was far enough from the road , she pulled out her phone and looked at it . She took a deep breath , stuffed it back in her pocket , and hunched forward . The ripple of the change went through her . It was a lot like shrinking , with the world rushing away from her , and finding yourself with a new perspective . Her paws were damp from the grass . She could feel her sharp teeth locked in place . She was free , loose , a full wolf . She shook her fur , walked in a circle , and then sniffed at the ground . Whatever it was , whoever , they had walked this way . She let out a small bark as she started to run . The wind rushed past her , the trees brushed against her . Occasionally , she stopped and sniffed again . Male , a little older than her , hurt ? It had the smells of the city , but not , a little too country . She charged forward again , sniffing at the air , feeling a change in the winds . Whoever it was , they were up ahead . It wasn 't the first time a strange scent popped up in Naperville . Hopefully this one wasn 't a rat - monster , or some weird spirit . Those kinds of things were hard to deal with , and sometimes she just had to leave them alone . It wasn 't like she was a pack all by herself . Well , she kind of was . When she got close , she felt something new . Her fur was standing on end , there was power here . Magic stuff , Tim 's stuff . She looked between the trees , There was a big boulder there , large enough to have a few other rocks in the same outcropping . It looked like someone had cleared it of trees once , maybe they used it as a little ritual circle , or just a campsight . There in front of it was a guy , cross - legged . He was sitting in a pattern dug in the grass , almost like a large symbol . She could hear it , he was whispering . The guy turned around . When their eyes met , for a moment , the guy wasn 't all there . It was like he was looking through her , his eyes just ornaments in his head . Then he shook his head , and started to fidget . he stood up and backed against the rock . He was a rabbit shifter . They met him before , trying to steal from one of those crazy spider - creatures . He almost died last time , and then he said he was never coming back . Except , now here he was . She remembered , he smelled hurt . Now that she looked at him , in his dirty jeans and some beat up shirt , he just looked like a hitchhiker . He didn 't seem hurt . Well , maybe a little twitchy , maybe he was emotionally hurt . Could she smell people 's depression ? She didn 't know if that was awesome or not . Sylvia turned , and saw that Jennifer was coming up behind her , with Dick Worth in tow . There was another boy there , younger even than Dick . Sylvia realized she didn 't know how big Jennifer 's pack was . Jeremy 's took a step away from the rock . He was sweating now . Last time Sylvia saw him , he was a jerk , but he at least kept his cool . Something changed , and she didn 't know what it was . Why was he so worried ? She could figure that out after she kicked Jennifer 's ass . They turned and looked at each other . There wasn 't anger there like last time , Jennifer looked concerned . She pointed to the weird stuff by the rock , and started to walk over . So far , Jennifer had only ambushed her twice in her life , not counting today . That was still a good track record . It was two to one now , but maybe she could get away if she really needed to . She walked over and kneeled by the little shrine Jeremy was building . " Maybe it is a ritual or something , " Sylvia said . Then she thought better of giving Jennifer any good ideas , " Wait , nevermind . It can 't be that right ? " Jennifer stood up , " So you don 't know anything then ? What about the others ? The little guy , Tim , maybe he could figure this out . " " That 's such a bad guy thing to do , " Sylvia said , " Just following someone into the woods . You don 't know what I was doing out here . Maybe I was jogging , or streaking . " " I know you 're just trying to help the city , " Jennifer said , " So I 'm being nice . I 'm not like my dad , I know when to put my teeth away . Still , if you stop being useful , I 'm putting you on a bus to Chicago . " She opened up a text message , " OMG , I sniffed something in NPville . You would be so proud . I nearly got killed , but it was weird , so I followed it . It was something strange , and I found Jeremy , or Jamal , whatever . He was there , and acting weird . Then guess who 1 of 2 " " Showed up ? Jennifer . She is such a bitch , but she wouldn 't fight me . I think she likes me . What if she was mad in love with me ? Wouldn 't that be weird , like a secret undying love ? I think she is good now , maybe . Whatever , her pack is helping . So I will figure it out , until you come back . Then you can help . 2 of 2 " For this Saturday , more Werewolf stories . Once again , I did some fiction work to prepare my players for more sessions . I was surprised how much they enjoyed them , so I went all the way to 4 ( with a 5th one that I haven 't finished yet ) . Here you go . Why Spatz was still doing this for him was something Levi was still trying to figure out . It was hard enough getting everything else in his life in order . At least this one thing wasn 't a problem . He didn 't have to show his face in town , which lead to the best benefit of all . " Are you hungry or something ? " Levi said , jumping up from the couch . He leaned forward for a second and hissed as pain shot through his arm . When he looked up , Spatz was watching him . Spatz liked to pretend he wasn 't observant . Levi couldn 't decide if he liked that trait , or hated it . Maybe that was part of being Meredith 's lapdog , no telling the alpha - bitch what you noticed until it was the right time . It was a message . Not exactly what he wanted to hear . It was another strange happening in Chicago , another shifter dropped out . Thankfully it wasn 't one he knew well , he was getting tired of losing friends . Instead this was just more proof of a bigger picture . He wanted to know about the smell . No wonder that woman kept Spatz around . He was completely loyal , to a fault . He was like a worried puppy , doing whatever it took to figure out why his master was sad . Levi was sure that Meredith 's biggest mistake was ordering Spatz to watch out for his pack . Levi had eyes in the woods . When someone decided to take a stroll toward him , he could make himself scarce . The problem was , his crows never saw Mr . Trenchcoat enter the forest . There was no car , or bicycle . He came out of nowhere . He looked too human to be spirit stuff , but Levi knew from experience that you never knew what was strange about someone until they let you know . Then Levi let out a loud caw , and dropped on his head . Whoever this idiot was , he didn 't expect a giant bird - man . Levi laid into him with his claws , doing whatever damage he could before the man could recover . " Okay , okay , " He said , " Magic leaves a residue . If you can see it , it is pretty easy to recognize unique signatures . Your magic is … primitive , freaky . I wanted to know why . " Levi looked at him , and thought about it . The word cages was still ringing around in his head . He knew even then that Spatz was going to be mad at him for this . Spatz nodded , and mulled it over from his seat . " We haven 't figured ours out either . The pure , the other werewolves , are acting strange . They have switched up their tactics . A lot less killing , a lot more recruiting . " Levi 's phone chimed , and he pulled it out . It was a message from Sylvia . Something was happening in Naperville , she also mentioned something about Jennifer , and undying love . Levi had trouble getting through it all without his eyes glazing over . I asked myself , ' why don 't I ever write anything surreal ? ' Besides being an odd question to ask yourself , it was also a bad time to ask myself . I have a lot of stuff I should be writing , so trying another project right now was a terrible idea . Still , I started a story , and here it is . Hold on to your butts . There was a knock at the door . Arty didn 't answer . He was looking at the painting on the wall of the hospital room . It took up a sizeable piece of the far wall . Men being mauled by lions , the browns in their faces distorted and lengthened as the beasts bit down on them . It was obviously a fake , who put a real painting in a hospital room ? The door cracked , and someone popped their head in . He couldn 't tell who , not until he heard the heavy footsteps on linoleum . They had a snap to them , each bootfall had emotional weight with them . It was Clark . Arty could see him now , pulling up a chair by the hospital bed . Carl was all shoulders , hunched forward , his eyes twisted up in sadness . Arty did this to him . He was different before . Taller , wider , brighter . Before Arty had to sit in hospital rooms , staring at paintings . Clark let his words hang in the air . He sniffled , and Arty could hear him squeezing his hat in his grip . It was painful , watching Clark sink into himself , become more tears and sobs than man . Back on the force , he was larger than life . He was always the man - of - action , could push Arty into doing anything . Now he had a leak he couldn 't plug . He was pouring over Arty 's sheets , occasional blinks stymying the flow . The old man had been stuck in the face , and he was letting it all out . Arty turned , his eyes focusing in on Clark . " It is your kind of case . Me , I don 't know what to do with it . You know how it is , if I can 't shake someone down , I 'm lost . " Clark laughed , but it didn 't stop the tears . This was interesting , it was something to do , anything besides sitting , waiting , listening . " Tell me everything , " Arty said . Clark shook his head , " I don 't know . Maybe I shouldn 't be bothering you with this . I don 't want you stuck with this . " He knew he couldn 't shake Clark . " Hell , " Clark said , " Whatever . You aren 't here for sappy stories . Plus I thought of you as soon as I walked in on the case . " ' You should have seen this place . It was beautiful , Victorian style , everything redone . Inside it was Oak everywhere , the floors , the cabinets , the walls . ' When he opened them again , he was in the doorway . A stairwell lead off into a black wall of shadow , one turn left into the sitting room , old oak bookshelves and tables . It was the sort of house you inherit , but keep in great condition . It was a house that had history . The kitchen was even better , all new installations , with nods to the past . Pictures hung from the walls , faceless people watching looking back at Arty as he walked through . ' There were signs of a struggle , but only inside . Blood smeared across the floor , pictures knocked from the wall . Then I saw her . She was your type Art . Her skin was as smooth as silk , curves in all the right places , that short black hair . Her make up made her look like a doll , those bright red lips , eyes bold against pale skin , shit . ' She walked into the room . She was wearing red , and had that slight smile when you meet eyes with someone for the first time . Her eyeliner pulled back to the side , like an imitation of some actresses Cleopatra . What was she doing here , in this room ? Why was she dressed so nice , was she going somewhere ? In a house like this , was this her lifestyle , wake up and dress to impress ? He needed to know more , he wanted to know her . He heard the pop . Her eyes went wide , and the dark hole drilled through her forehead . She didn 't gasp , didn 't cry out . She just collapsed backwards , struck the hardwood floor like a sack of meat . " Damnit , Clark , " Arty said , " Damn you . " ' I can 't figure it out . He didn 't drag her out there . The blood is her husband , dead upstairs . He dragged the fool to his bed . As far as forensics understands , Mr . Moon was dead first , then the monster came back , found her , and killed her with one shot . He didn 't take a thing , the house was intact , no locks broken . He came in , and sent a message , and the only man who knows what it is got the same damn treatment ! ' Arty looked away from Mrs . Moon . Clark was in the kitchen now , leaning over the bed . Arty walked over and put a hand on his shoulder . Clark put a hand out and grabbed Arty 's hand on the bed , his real hand , laid out with tubes sticking out of every hole they could find . To Arty it was a white mess , a hole he didn 't bother filling . It was the splotch he didn 't need to fill to see the puzzle complete . Clark 's chair screeched against the floor , " You be strong . I know you 'll come out of it buddy . You owe me a beer , remember ? " She leaned against the doorframe , her arms crossed across her chest . Mrs . Moon smiled at him , and then walked to the cabinets in the kitchen . She opened one , and pulled out two glasses . He pulled up a chair to his bed , and sat down . Something else was lingering on his mind , and he couldn 't lock it down . It was hard to figure out , especially when she was in the room . His eyes couldn 't help but follow her , the curve of her back , the twist of her fingers as she held both cups under the tap . A rumble shook the house . Arty looked around . The door Clark left through , it was dark outside the window . All the windows , they were black , he was alone here , with her . She put a glass down in front of him , and pulled up a seat on the opposite side of the table . There was a growl from outside the kitchen , like a tiger locked in a cage . He could feel it on the side of his face , as if it was right there . The sound of it made the house tremble , but still , he knew it wasn 't here yet . |
When I tried to post the picture of Ginny and her new baby , it wouldn 't let me do it ! So , there is the picture of Buster . Hopefully , Blogger Dashboard will fix whatever is happening now and I can put the picture of them on here some time today . I am annoyed . Last night was the first night that we slept on our new mattress . It was strange , where before the sheets would barely fit on the mattress , this time there was almost too much sheet ! We tucked it in under the mattress , hoping that it would stay for the whole night . I cannot STAND to sleep on wrinkles ! I am like the princess in " The Princess and the Pea " , because I can feel everything that it out of place in a bed , a wrinkle , a piece of grit , and have actually made David get up so we can change sheets in the middle of the night . So , as we got into bed , David said , in regard to the now too big sheets , " let the complaining begin ! " . Yet , I did not complain ! The bed is very firm now , and we don 't roll over to the edges anymore , plus I liked the fact that it was lower , that I didn 't have to put too much " oomph " to get on it ! And this morning , I awoke fairly rested . Of course , the back , hip , and leg pains are still there , but I think that a few nights of sleeping on this will really make a difference there , too . My back had so much more support , which was nice , and because of that , I didn 't have to go to the recliner to get comfortable . SO , I think it was a wise decision to go ahead and get this mattress situation taken care of now . Every little bit helps ! David is still recovering from his congestion that he got antibiotics for on Friday . He was running a bit of fever last night and today , but I think that today will be the turning point for that . I have found that after taking antibiotics for a couple of days , I feel much better on the third day . And since he is back on the clock tomorrow , it couldn 't come at a better time ! ! Today is a beautiful day . I sat on the deck for a while , and will probably go back later on this afternoon . It has gotten a little bit warm right now . But it sure is lovely , with a nice breeze , leaves gently gliding to the ground . And the sun angle is different , too , not quite as bright as just a few weeks ago , and filtering among the trees with slightly changing leaves , well , it is just breathtakinposted by wagsandpurrs @ 2 : 13 PM 1 comments Well , we got the new mattress and donated the other one to a rescue mission here . So , I will let you know if it feels better . It isn 't one of those really thick ones , so the sheets and comforter fit a whole lot better . And now I won 't feel like I need to leap up to get on the bed . Although , the highest bed I ever saw was one Cheryl got a few years ago . I literally DID try to leap on it , but it was just too high . I think she sent it back for something not quite so nose - bleed inducing ! ! ! And I honestly felt like Goldilocks in the furniture store , laying on the beds , trying to find the one that was " just right " . I halfway expected there to be some porridge on the dining tables they had for sale there , too ! ! But that is what is happening , new bed , hopefully restful sleep . If not , there is always the recliner . I just watched the season premiere of " The Office " tonight . That show is just so great and for those of you who do watch it , weren 't Jim and Pam just precious ? But one of the funniest lines was Michael ( Steve Carell ) saying that he wasn 't " superstitious " , he was just " a little stitious " . David was laying on the bed ( new mattress ! ! ) and even he started laughing , just hearing it . Erica , we must discuss it soon ! ! ! ! Poor , poor Sprinkles . . . . . . . . Well , I am going to go to my new bed ! ! I hope I just leap out of the bed tomorrow morning , raring to go , after a great night 's sleep ! ! And I hope you do too ! ! ! Night night ! ! ! So , because I knew that we had to be in Jackson for an 8 : 50 appointment , I took a sleeping pill last night . Sure enough , I went to sleep , BUT I woke up around 2 : 30 and stayed awake the rest of the night ! I finally just gave up about 6 : 30 or so , after tossing and turning , and just got up , drank coffee , and started doing my pet chores . We actually got there on time , which I couldn 't believe , since the traffic is usually so bad in the morning . One of the things that we were extremely concerned about was David 's cough . It has come back with a vengeance in the last couple of weeks , plus he has been running higher than normal fever . He has been very pragmatic about it , stating the obvious , that this could be a turn for the worse . And I know this . I am not dumb . So , I was actually THRILLED to hear that he had wheezing in his chest ! ! ! ! Dr . Graham said that he felt like it was something that can be cleared up with a steroid shot , which he got , and some antibiotics . Then Dr . Graham started filling out all of the paperwork that the insurance company had sent him about David going back to work . He got a letter typed up for us , filled out the paperwork - one of the questions was " can patient lift one hundred pounds over his head ? " and Dr . Graham said " can I lift one hundred pounds over MY head ? ! " , laughing over the ridiculousness of some of the questions . And y ' all , he has just gotten so comfortable with us . He had gone online after the last visit and printed out the Duane Allman carving article and now has it in David 's " permanent " file . Then he told us about taking one of his sons ( college age ) and six of his friends to a rock concert recently , where the opening act was " Doctor Dog " ! He said they were good ! ! We were there a couple of hours while they did all that , with David laying up on the bed . That is a nice bunch of folks , angels on earth , for all that they do . I am really grateful to know them . One thing that wasn 't good was the cancer marker number . It had gone up quite a bit within a month 's time , but you know , we jusposted by wagsandpurrs @ 8 : 50 PM 0 comments Good evening . I hope that everyone has had a couple of good days . We eventually got hungry again , after the Lebanese dinner yesterday . I would like to have that food again and soon , especially those desserts ! There was one that was like a little pie but it had nuts and dates in it that was fabulous ! Okay , I will quit talking about it ! ! ! But we were talking in the coffee shop today about how great it would be to be able to get that food any time ! ! MMMM , little pies with nuts and dates in them . . . . . . We think we have the bathing situation well in hand over at Norma 's now . We stopped by Hometown Medical before going out there yesterday , and got her a handle that clamps on the tub for her to hold onto . She didn 't want to spend the money on it , at first ( it was rather expensive ) , but after she got in and out of the tub three times with no problem , she gladly wrote me a check for it ! And today we got a long handle bar for her to hold onto , also , so things are looking up in that department ! ! We also told her to take her phone into the bathroom with her , just in case she fell again , God forbid . But we feel a lot better now about everything . My leg feels better during the day , but at night , it is excruciating ! Tonight I was trying to go down to the basement and I could not put any weight on it and just screamed in pain , which startled the cats immensely . It is still throbbing , even though I am sitting down , so I do not know what is going on . I just do NOT need this at this time ! David is coughing a lot again , these days , but I am hoping that maybe some of it is caused by allergies , because I have started coughing some , too . The weather is kind of wonky lately , all humid and hot , and with a huge thunderstorm tonight . Things are starting to bloom that cause allergies , too , so that is what I hope it is . We go to the doctor on Friday and I think we are going to see if he will up the dosage of the Camptosar ( wow , that is just not something I thought I would be advocating ! ) just enough to see if we can get this under control . But , posted by wagsandpurrs @ 10 : 30 PM 0 comments There is an expression that is used quite often down here in the South , one that I don 't use too much , but is certainly apropos for today - I am full as a tick . Yuck , huh , but that is how I feel . You see , we went to the Lebanese dinner ( Actually it was " lunch " , but everyone there called it dinner . Tonight 's will be " supper " . ) and oh my goodness , was it tasty ! ! They give you a plate with , and forgive the spelling , since spell - check doesn 't have Lebanese food in their spelling lists , four absolutely delicious cabbage rolls , a square of kibbee , unleavened bread ( man , with butter and syrup that would have been a meal in itself ! ) , tabouli , and green beans with a tomato concoction in it . LORDY , was it good ! And David couldn 't eat as much as I could , so I ate the rest of HIS cabbage rolls and kibbee ! It is a good thing my jeans have an elastic waistband , because it was stretched to the breaking point ! And then , AND THEN , Mrs . Nosser brings over this big " sweets " tray ! ! I brought home two small bags with baklava , sombuski ( sp ? ) , butterfingers ( not the candy bar ) , something cakey that practically melted in your mouth and had a nut on top of it , and something else , I cannot even remember ! ! Lori Nosser was talking about how a cup of coffee would be so good with all of it . Well , YEAH , IT WOULD ! ! ! ! We are just too stuffed to eat it right now , though . In fact , David is taking a little rest and I am going to take a little Tums ! We are going to go out to Norma 's house to be there while she takes a bath , so we will take all of this with us . The whole " bath " thing is another story , but suffice it to say , she is not doing too well and needs us out there . But , back to the dinner ! Daniel had told us that we would see just about everyone in Vicksburg there , and he was just about right ! ! We sat with a couple that we had just seen a couple of weeks ago , the Cronias , but they were finishing up and they left , with us laughing about where we would see each other next ! Michael Flanagan , a former co - worker of David 's , and the guy who housesits posted by wagsandpurrs @ 3 : 00 PM 3 comments Good afternoon , all , on this autumnal equinox . It is still really hot and muggy , but I am hoping that after the rain that is forecast for our area moves on out , we will have some bonafide , fall weather ! I just love the colors , the crispness of the air , the blue of the sky , Halloween decorations , I JUST LOVE IT ! I am knocking on wood as I type this , but , BUT , I think my leg may be a tad bit better ! It still hurts , but I haven 't had to scream out in the last twenty four hours , NOR has it almost buckled under me . So , I still am thinking that it is a pulled muscle , from where the pain is and the fact that when I am off of it , there is absolutely no pain at all . Because I have not been in such agony , I have actually gotten lots done , clothes washed and actually put away , dishes washed and partly put away , gathered up the garbage and taken it out . Now , I would be lying if I said that walking up and down the stairs didn 't hurt , but again , it is so much better , I have high hopes that in the next few days , it will be just fine . I am even going to try to cut the backyard sometimes this week , but I am not sure how that will go since it is so high . In fact , I was looking for my black and white kitty last night , and she was just crouched down in the grass , only the tips of her ears showing ! ! ! It was so cute , but WRONG , because I am really afraid that an anaconda , or a garden snake , will run across my feet , and then , Bob 's your uncle , I will drop dead ! ! ! Yesterday , David pretty much slept all day long , but he did have chemo on Friday , so that was to be expected . I was still hobbling around and decided to get a pot down from my pot rack and a Calphalon lid , very heavy , fell and hit me on the chin , where I now have a bump and a bruise ! I am just very thankful that it didn 't hit my teeth , my nose , or broke my glasses ! ! ! And the stuff I ended up cooking ? It wasn 't great . Another reason to eat out ! ! ! ! ! Friday afternoon , Carolyn B . , who has been living in North Carolina for the past year , was in town on her birthday , so she met me at tposted by wagsandpurrs @ 2 : 05 PM 0 comments Fuzzy Originally uploaded by Fuzzy Gerdes Yes , this is my son - in - law . He didn 't win " Impress These Apes " , but dang it y ' all , he is wearing a banana suit ! I just called Erica to tell her how happy I would be if he wore it to the family reunion in October ! ! ! ! ! ! So , today is September 20 . My niece , Lace , turns five today . Happy Birthday , Lace ! But , on this date in 2004 , David underwent life changing surgery , at St . Dominic in Jackson . They removed the cancer , found a little more , removed that , too ! It was a very scary day , but we were surrounded by family and friends . Erica and I stayed at a hotel near the hospital , while he was in ICU . When he was moved to a private room , I switched kids and Christopher and I stayed in the room with him , both of us sleeping on a fold out bed . We were told they got it all , the margins were " clean " , and the chemo he would need would essentially be " mop up " . Sadly , that 's not what it turned out to be . Unbeknownst to us , even then , there was cancer growing in the lungs , that the readers of the tests all missed . We feel that was divine intervention , though , because our doctor said that had he known about the lung nodules , he wouldn 't have done the surgery and would have hit him hard with chemo . David and I both feel very very strongly that he would not have survived , had they done that . The pain from the original tumor had to be addressed , too , so we feel that things happened for the best . I mean , here he is , 3 years later , and after quite a bit of a setback , one in which we weren 't sure he would come out of , planning to go back to work in a little over a week ! ! ! We don 't know how that will work out , but he is excited about seeing his co - workers and getting back into the middle of the exciting world of slot machines ! I will police him , if he needs to take a nap , well , then , he has to take a nap . They know that he is not going to be able to work 10 hours every day , as he did a few years ago , and I think that they want to do everything they can to keep him . Besides wanting to be back at work for working 's sake , he really has to because of insurance . Cancer ain 't cheap ! ! But everyone seems genuinely glad to have David coming back to work , after all of this time . I think it will do him a world of good , and , hopefully , he will be able to work forposted by wagsandpurrs @ 7 : 14 AM 0 comments My friend , Celia Rivenbark , in Wilmington , North Carolina , had her 51st birthday on Sunday . This is her birthday present . I told her that I could send her a picture of me with my ' 92 Subaru Legacy with the broken passenger door handle , but I didn 't want to make her jealous ! And y ' all , doesn 't she look great ? ? AND she has a daughter in the fifth grade ! ! Maybe THAT is what is keeping her so young ! ! Okay , this leg thing is causing me the worst " intermittent " pain ! It 's like I am walking alongside , Matt Roloff , star of TLC 's " Little People , Big World " . We are just walking along , and then WHAM , he slams a knife into my thigh , then twists it , I cry out , almost fall to the ground , then he takes it out , and we continue walking a few feet , then WHAM , he does it again ! What is up with that ? Does that sound like a pulled muscle ? I really do not know ! My back is hurting more , could it be a pinched nerve ? I don 't know ! I wish I could just stay in the recliner today , not do anything and see if rest would help it , but we have that appointment with Social Security today , and David is not feeling very well , so I will need to be with him . But if I have to drive , I don 't know , it is my right leg ! ! ! I 've put heat on it , some cream on it ( icy hot like stuff ) , rubbed it , and it is the strangest thing . When it is not hurting , IT REALLY IS NOT HURTING ! ! ! But when it is , wow , I burst into tears last night , trying to get off the couch ! So , what does this sound like to all of you " doctors " at home ? Any suggestions ? And yeah , I do need to go to the doctor , but David has an appointment Thursday , chemo on Friday , I really would like to try any alternatives at home before I head to the doctor , because you know they will have to do x - rays and all and I just do not have the time , nor the patience , for all of that foofarol . Is that how you spell " foofarol " ? It 's not in " spellcheck " ! And someone left an odd comment on my Jewish cat post . I think it may be spam , because I don 't think it is a regular reader of my " column " . If he or she was , they would realize that I just wanted to put a cute Jewish cat picture up , not debate the history of Rosh Hashonna , and I probably just totally spelled that so very wrong . Again , spellcheck doesn 't have that word in it . Well , I can 't put off the day any longer . My granola bar is gone , my coffee is almost gone , animals are starving , so I had better be on my merry , yet painful , way ! HAVE A GREAT DAY ! ! ! ! ! Oh , anposted by wagsandpurrs @ 8 : 45 AM 3 comments Here it is , a beautiful Monday morning . If you didn 't hear the notes in the above title , it is " Monday , Monday " by the Mamas and the Papas . Now you hear it , right ? ? I need to pay bills , wash dishes , take care of the animals , so I am sitting in front of the computer reading about last night 's episode of " The 4400 " ( Billy Campbell is so good looking ! ) , reading about the Emmy Awards , which never crossed my mind to actually watch , drinking coffee , eating granola bars , you know , essential things ! So , I guess I need to get this week started . Hopefully , no young man blogger will die ( Adam Finley , last week ) , no cat will die ( Billy Bob , last week ) , no mother - in - law will fall out of the tub ( Norma , last week ) , my hip / leg will feel better - it just needs to be a better week , all around ! Here 's hoping for a great one ! ! ! My front yard did get cut yesterday , so it looks really great , but the backyard ? Well , let 's just say that when one of the cats crouches down to pounce on a wild leaf or blade of grass , you can only see their ears ! I am afraid that I will be stepping on a snake , or something , which would NOT , I repeat , NOT be a good way to start the week ! ! ! Hopefully , the snakes are elsewhere today ! ! ! Unfortunately , " snake in the grass " actually could mean a REAL snake in the grass ! ! ! ! I will just have to hope that my " Croc knockoffs " would scare them away ! ! ! ! ! Ooh , I just creeped myself out . Kittens , puppies , moonbeams , unicorns , yeah , that 's better ! ! ! ! ! ! Have a great great day , everybody ! ! ! ! ! Isn 't that a cute turtle , chowing down ? Yesterday was gorgeous . That is the only way to describe the weather that we had . Cool , breezy , low humidity , bright blue sky , WOW , it was fabulous ! David had been invited to have lunch with his friends , Tommy and John , so I was kind of left hanging . I mean , after six months of 24 hour a day togetherness , I didn 't know what to do with myself ! ! And on such a beautiful day , I wanted to do something ! ! So , I called my sister , who I knew was also alone yesterday ( the men in her family went to a movie ) so she picked me up , we had a wonderful lunch of spaghetti at Billy 's , walked around the outlet mall ( sad , sad , empty stores ! ) , then came home and sat on the deck for a couple of hours . It was so so nice ! ! Like she said , all she would have done was wash clothes , and really , there will just be more to wash later , so why NOT get out and enjoy and visit and commune with nature ? ? David got home just a few minutes after she left and while he had a good time , he had to rest up some . I stepped outside to bring in the cats and my good neighbor , Dessie was about to get in her car and so , more visiting and enjoying the weather . It is a small world - she works in the same place that my sister does ! ! ! I called Linda and she was like " YOU ARE KIDDING ! " which was about the same thing that Dessie said , too ! ! ! So , I am really happy about that , another connection of friends and family . And Dessie told me she was getting married soon ! ! Big things a ' happenin ' ! Now , if we could get a " For Sale " sign in another neighbor 's yard . . . . . . A funny thing , while I was talking to Dessie , up strolls Scruffy , and she said that her grandson loved him and he liked to sit on her porch . I explained my partial ownership of him , that I had gotten him fixed , vaccinated , flea treated , doctored , and that I had put that pretty little tinkly collar on him ! She has no problem with any of my animals , she said , but she is bothered by the house behind us . A family moved in there months ago , and they don 't cut the grass very regularly , they have two vehicles up in theirposted by wagsandpurrs @ 11 : 10 AM 0 comments Today was chemo and as usual , David is kind of washed out , but he has a lunch date tomorrow with two of his friends , so hopefully , he will feel much better by then . I am hoping that my leg / hip pain will be better tomorrow , because according to the weather forecast , it is supposed to be just lovely , cool breezes , low humidity , just what I want to see . It may be me just sitting out on the deck if the leg / hip pain is no better , which will be nice ( not the pain , though ) . I found out where Scruffy is spending most of his time now . I stopped and picked him up this morning and brought him here to have some canned cat food . And tonight when I was on the phone , sitting on the deck , here he comes , running up the stairs . I got him some more canned cat food , he ate , looked up , and then took off down the stairs , into the street , and was gone , in a flash ! He may have been startled by the football game going on at the stadium . I know I was . I was standing in the front yard and all of a sudden " LADIES AND GENTLEMEN " and I just about jumped out of my skin , which didn 't help my leg / hip very much . And that 's the thing - I really can 't tell if it is my hip or if it is my leg . All I know is that it almost makes me burst into tears when it hits , which is becoming more frequent as the day wears on . I may have to break down ( which I am pretty sure I am doing ! ) and go to the doctor . I mean , I have to be able to walk . So , it 's just been another day of moonbeams and unicorn farts over here . I am sorry , I saw something or read something using that term and it is just so silly , I had to steal it . Now I am going to try to go to sleep . I was awake until 2 this morning , then slept in the chair until 6ish , knowing we had to get to chemo early . It has taken its toll . Night . This has been an absolutely crappy week , no way around it , just not great . So , today , in the rain from the hurricane , we had to go to the Social Security office so David may ONE day qualify for long - term disability . That is what we were told to do by Met Life : the case manager said he would definitely be turned down , but if he ever needs the long - term disability , and he may , with the supplemental payments that they will make when he has to miss because of chemo and / or doctor 's appointments , they have to see that he has made an official request with Mississippi Social Security . Okay . The office is across the street from McAlister 's , so we decided to pop in and get a baked potato before we go to the S . S . office . We are ordering and we hear a familiar voice saying , " I 'll get that " and we turn around and LO AND BEHOLD , there is Ian , working behind the counter . We were delighted to see him and he said he would join us at our table in a few minutes . So , here he comes , and proceeds to tell us that he had been working in Vicksburg for several weeks , he thought we knew ( we had NO clue ) and he wondered why we hadn 't been in there before now . We explained the " no clue " part and then he said , are you ready for this ? " I left that jug of iced tea by your backdoor the other day " and we looked at each other and said " YOU LEFT IT ? WHY DIDN ' T YOU SAY SO ? " He said he had left a note ( nowhere to be found ) , but didn 't know we had gone out of town , plus he left it by the laundry room door , because he thought we would have gone in that way instead of the deck ( we don 't ) and after he saw my post about the tea , he didn 't know what to say so he didn 't say anything ! ! ! ! ! We are relieved ! ! ! And he said , sorry , it was sweet tea ! ! ! Now , did we jump to conclusions ? Yes , we did . Do we still think that this could have been a trick by certain individuals , especially since we weren 't home ? Yes , I wouldn 't be surprised at anything that they would do . You read about it all of the time . I am very glad that it was a friend who left the tea , but these dposted by wagsandpurrs @ 4 : 51 PM Wednesday , September 12 , 2007 Happy Rosanne Rosannadanna ! ! ! ! Oh , wait ! I think I totally spelled that wrong ! I mean , Happy Rosh Hashanah ! ! ! It is so cloudy today , and so cool . FINALLY , a fall day has arrived ! ! ! THAT cheers me up ! Have a great one ! ! Well , today is the anniversary of the terrorist attacks . I didn 't watch anything about it , because it is still very fresh in my mind , after 6 years . There is a big yellow ribbon with American flags on a hill just outside the National Military Park as you come into town , which was a very nice gesture . Thanks to all that put it out there . It was a nice , nonviolent reminder of a horrible day . Also , late this afternoon , I saw my neighbor , Marian , and I asked her how she was . Not good , she said , Billy Bob died today . Now Billy Bob is her precious little bobtailed cat . Yes , he hissed at me a few times , but I forgave him ! He had been sleeping a lot more lately , so much so that last week I called Marian to check on him , because I thought he was a little too still . As soon as she came out , he jumped up and I was relieved , so I was totally surprised at her news today . But he was fourteen years old , and he really had been sleeping all day lately . He will be missed around here . I hope he crossed the Rainbow Bridge and is playing on the other side . I don 't mean that to be maudlin , I mean it to be optimistic , I really do . The weather has turned gorgeous , still very hot during the day , but MAN OH MAN , it is absolutely perfect tonight ! ! I would go sit out on the deck and just enjoy the cool breeze , but I am tired and really think it would behoove me to go to bed now . So that is what I am going to do now . Have a great evening ! ! Picture of Billy Bob by Marian Phillips Good news , Norma did not break anything in her fall last night . And the doctor is changing some of her medicine that may be the cause of her legs swelling so much and hurting so badly . GREAT ! ! We were so glad to hear it . And she was very upbeat after her doctor 's appointment . Maybe she will be all right . David has been sluggish today . We have figured out that the day after chemo , with this regimen , he feels great , it 's those second and third days that really hit him hard . We have to work around that after he starts back to work . I am really concerned about that , but things will work out , hopefully . We had a good time , though , this afternoon at the coffeeshop . Daniel and Leslie had been gone for a week to Santa Fe , so it was good to see him back where he belongs , PLUS it is his birthday today , so that was nice , too . We visited with some folks and then came home , after running by the drugstore and picking up three of our medicines . I am extremely tired right now , though , and really need to be in the bed . Have a great evening and we 'll see you soon . So , I always go to the blog website of TV Squad , everyday . I have a few favorite writers , and I comment quite often on their posts . Today , there is a tribute to one of the writers , 30 year old Adam Finley , who got hit by a bus while riding his bicycle on Thursday ! He was one of the most enjoyable writers , I knew he was Christopher 's age , and I believe that Adam and his wife were expecting their first child . You know , the term " hit by a bus " is often bandied about as a cliche , but DAMN , this kid was hit by a bus and died ! ! I am really depressed . I need something to cheer me up . The Prize Patrol driving into my driveway , and not just to turn around , would be a nice pick - me - up , don 't you think ? Anyway , everyone : BE CAREFUL ! ! ! ! ! I can 't get any more depressed today , so y ' all all stay safe , okay ? Update : Apparently Adam was not the blogger that was married . But he was one of the funniest bloggers on the TvSquad website . He was hit by a school bus on Thursday morning but had no identification on him , only some keys and his iPod . They traced his identity through his iPod registration and identified him Saturday afternoon . His parents had been trying to reach him for those days , and were very worried , as well they should be . And since I have a child this age , my heart just aches for them . So , where did we leave off ? Oh yeah , I was going to bed . Which I did , but I was having stomach pains and realized , hey , I didn 't eat any supper ! ! So , I got up and ate some jello , drank some juice , read the news , then took 3 Benadryls , 2 ibuprofens , and headed back to bed . I was brushing my teeth again , when David started yelling that the phone was ringing . We figured it was a wrong number . WE were wrong , it was Norma , sobbing into the phone that she had fallen out of the bathtub , could we come over . It is 11 : 45 . I told her yes , but it would be a few minutes , because David had been dead asleep and I had just " drugged " up for the night . So , off we go , at midnight . Oh , we saw the elusive Scruffy , licking his leg on the sidewalk of Polk Street . It was good to see that he was still alive . Back to the story - we get there and she has managed to pull on her nightgown and turned on the light and unlocked the door , all by scooting across the floor . We couldn 't get her up , so we called the fire department and about 25 to 30 minutes later , here they are . She was just dead weight and they had to just lift her straight up , something that David and I would not be able to do , especially with David 's hip / back hurting him so badly lately . They got her into a chair and proceeded to tell her that , since she had fallen twice in four days , she needed to get the Life Alert monitor . Now I had sent off for the info last year and both she and my mother had no interest in it whatsoever , so I was so pissed off , I just threw the whole kit and kaboodle away . I told the firemen that , too , and they understood my frustration . Maybe NOW , they will listen and consider it . If they want to live alone , they HAVE to have it . What if this had happened last Sunday night ? We were in Gulfport ! ! And , I hate to say this , but it 's out there , if David doesn 't get any better and the worst happens , I am not going to be mentally or physically capable of being their main contact if they fall . And the fireman kept saying , what if you had broken your hip , you wouldposted by wagsandpurrs @ 10 : 24 AM 0 comments So , we journeyed over to Clinton this afternoon , to go to the moving picture show ! ! ! Vicksburg STILL does not have a theater . Which really sucks big time , if you ask me , and you didn 't , but there it is , my opinion . We ate at Corky 's before the show , as we had done last time , and the waitress remembered that we were going to the show then , also . The food was okay , the atmosphere was nice , and we were remembered . All in all , a decent meal . WHICH MADE ME SICK ! ! It 's not their fault , I just shouldn 't have gotten barbecue , but dang , it is a barbecue joint ! But , after medicine , I was recovered in time for the movie . The movie was " 3 : 10 To Yuma " , starring Russell Crowe and Christian Bale . It is a remake based on an Elmore Leonard story , a western , of course , good guys , bad guys , high morals , no morals , the heart of a good woman , lots of gunshots , blood , you know , the usual . With its two stars , I figured it would be easy on the eyes , too , but it was very enjoyable , a very good story with a few surprises , and I highly recommend it to everyone that enjoys westerns . Or Russell Crowe . You see , with Christian B . in it , I thought he would be the " eye candy " but Russell C . , well , all I can say is he looked great on a horse ! ! And there was one scene , just his facial expression and what it conveyed , made me think that he needed to be nominated for an Oscar for this performance . REALLY good acting , all the way around , though . And the music was lovely . I mean , it 's no " Superbad " or " The Simpsons Movie " , but I enjoyed it thoroughly ! ! ! And thank goodness it was no " Stardust " , one of the worst movies that I have ever had to sit through . So , a big thumbs up from me ! ! And thus ends our broadcast day . Have a good Monday morning . Oh , the ants got after me again this morning and I threw the scooper into a puddle of water , then got it and shook the ants off , then realized they were crawling on my neck and face , so then threw it down again , then wiped my face with my hands , at which time I smelled that apparently there had been poop in the afoposted by wagsandpurrs @ 8 : 54 PM 2 comments Yep , ol ' Scruffy was laying on the sidewalk in front of the house tonight , minus his purple collar . So , now he has a new shiny one with a bell on it ! He doesn 't like it . Scruffy must be on " walk - about " again . He hasn 't been here in 24 hours ! It isn 't the first time he has done it , and hopefully , won 't be the last ! ! ! He really makes me extremely happy , though ! ! So , the tea is still sitting in my laundry room . I am afraid to even smell it , but I don 't want to pour it out yet . Such a mystery , such a mystery . But here is another one - when we got home Tuesday afternoon , I only had one newspaper . I asked Marian if we had gotten one on Labor Day and she said yes , and I borrowed hers . Well , what do you know ? I went out to get the paper yesterday afternoon , and there was the Labor Day paper in my box ! ! Now , we have the same carrier . What 's going on ? Someone is messing with us . And I , for one , am glad that I have dogs that will bark at such shenanigans ! ! ! It just makes me feel even more apprehensive about putting mail out in the mailbox ! ! Who knows who is hanging around , waiting to take something ? This may be paranoia , but you know , it is just a little " too too " , if you know what I mean ! ! So , I will be more observant than normal . We are concerned . Okay , gotta go . Later ! ! Okay , here 's the deal - we were gone from Sunday until late Tuesday afternoon . When we got home , there was a jug of tea , sitting by my laundry room door , on the concrete , no note , just a jug , not sealed , of tea . Now , I didn 't put it there , obviously , so I assumed that Marian did , since she had been feeding and watering the cats . But , no , she didn 't do it either . So , I called Cheryl . Nope , not Cheryl . Now . I don 't want to jump to conclusions , or think the worst of someone , but , BUT , the yp 's knew we were gone , they saw us leave . I don 't trust them . And most people , if they knew us , would leave something on the table on the deck , NOT the laundry room door . AND they would have said something , right ? This may be a perfectly innocent anonymous gift from someone , BUT I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK IT ! ! ! I just find it ironic that this occurred while we were out of town . AND it would be quite easy for certain people to just run this over and not be seen . Now , that being said , there is probably nothing wrong with the tea , except it is probably sweetened ( we like unsweetened , thank you very much ! ) . But , would any of YOU READERS drink it ? In this day and age of crazy people walking ' round with blood in their eyes * ( thank you , Don Henley ) , I just feel that we should just pour it out , don 't you ? And since it was opened and not sealed , anything could be in it , couldn 't it ? So , that is my dilemma , or , not really a dilemma , just a curiosity ! ! Later ! * " All She Wants to do is Dance " Thanks , Susan for pointing out my typo ! ! ! Spell check wouldn 't have pointed it out , since " it " was spelled correctly ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Thanks ! And , Dan , I wouldn 't be surprised if a hobo or two walked around here ! ! ! ! Yessirree , we are back in Vicksburg . It is so muggy here , compared to the coast . We had an uneventful trip back , went through a few downpours , and then drove right back into sunshine . By the time we were a couple of hours away from home , it really got very pretty , weatherwise . Partly cloudy , but with late afternoon shadows , a breeze , very nice . But when I got back home and took care of the animals ? GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY , it is hot ! ! But it is good to be home . Even being gone for just a couple of days really throws me off kilter . And I hate to unpack ! ! Kathy and Rick were perfect hosts , as usual , and we just enjoyed visiting with them so much . David 's conversation with his boss went very well , also , and I think the transition back to a work schedule will be handled very carefully . The company doesn 't want David to do too much , too soon , and understands that he will be having chemo and the resulting side effects , every week . That is good , for everybody . The kitten did very very well on the way back . After meowing at us for a couple of minutes , she went to sleep ! At one point , we weren 't sure whether she was just sleeping soundly or had died . Fortunately , she was just sleeping soundly . I am sure that everyone has heard that Bo Diddley had a heart attack a few days ago . Well , it was announced today that his heart attack occurred while he was exercising . That 's right , he was doing " Diddley squats " when it happened ! ! ! I KNOW I KNOW ! ! I wish that I had thought of it ! ! ! ! ! That 's it for now . Later ! ! So , good morning , all ! I am on Rick 's computer , which , by the way , is MUCH better than my computer . We have had a good time , eating way WAY too much food . I know I have probably put on some weight in the last two days . We went to the new Hard Rock Cafe in the new casino and ate a wonderful hamburger . Waddling out the door , we then stopped at Ben and Jerry 's , where I ate , what I thought was a SMALL cup of ice cream , which was delicious . David got a milkshake and then finished up my ice cream , too ! We walked around looking at the displays , but one of the most interesting ones was a glass case holding items that had been washed away by Katrina . You know , the Hard Rock Casino was due to open the day the storm hit , and so much of the memorabelia washed away . This case held what was was recovered , and also had a picture of the casino after the storm . Unbelievable . In fact , it is still quite unbelievable down here . While there is lots of new construction , and some beautiful new houses , there are still lots of slabs , with steps leading to nowhere , with a number spray painted on them . There are lots of buildings you can see through , and although they are cleaned up , it still is very disheartening . There were a few houses still in the exact place that the storm left them , nothing has been done to move them , which makes you wonder who owns them and did they survive . Yet there are businesses coming back , too , and the beach was pretty busy yesterday , before we had a downpour of rain . After a little rest , we went to eat AGAIN , and I don 't know why , but I was hungry at midnight ! Oh , what a pig I am ! ! Anyway , we are getting ready to go to IGT to talk with David 's boss . The little kitten did well on the trip . It was extremely hot coming down . We went through about four or five very heavy thunderstorms , but when we would drive out of them , the sun was shining right in my window , which was very hot , especially holding a little black thing covered in fur and a blanket ! Well , one time she started panting and then just peed all over mposted by wagsandpurrs @ 9 : 34 AM 1 comments We 're off to the coast ! See ya Tuesday ! ! ! OH OH ! ! Alton Brown was drinking out of one of Daniel 's Hwy . 61 coffee cups on Feasting with Asphalt last night ! ! If you have it recorded , go and look at the Civil War reenactment part where they were trying to determine who made the best coffee . And THERE IT WAS ! ! ! We were so excited ! ! ! ! Anyway , have a great holiday ! ! ! ! ! And it is , it is finally September ! ! It is always so nice to change the calendar , see what Gary Larson and B . Kliban have on hand for the new month . I have about a million things to do today . I am still in my gown , drinking coffee . I may only get to half a million . I dread going out into the dog yard . You know , those dreaded ants might leap upon me and start to chomping again . I certainly don 't want that ! This is a short post , a short post at the start of a long weekend . And , I had to put this sweet picture of a kitty and his / her dolly . I just want to snuggle in there with them ! ! Have a great Saturday ! I did lose David , but I hope to keep his memory alive for as long as I am alive . I hope to have a healthy , happy , productive life that will mean something to someone when it is time for me to leave it . I want my " dash " to be important , too . Music is a very important part of my life , all kinds , but especially classic rock . I believe that that is how David will be sending me " signs " throughout the years , so it will be interesting to see how many different songs and genres will be used . I am more than eager to find out ! ! |
When I tried to post the picture of Ginny and her new baby , it wouldn 't let me do it ! So , there is the picture of Buster . Hopefully , Blogger Dashboard will fix whatever is happening now and I can put the picture of them on here some time today . I am annoyed . Last night was the first night that we slept on our new mattress . It was strange , where before the sheets would barely fit on the mattress , this time there was almost too much sheet ! We tucked it in under the mattress , hoping that it would stay for the whole night . I cannot STAND to sleep on wrinkles ! I am like the princess in " The Princess and the Pea " , because I can feel everything that it out of place in a bed , a wrinkle , a piece of grit , and have actually made David get up so we can change sheets in the middle of the night . So , as we got into bed , David said , in regard to the now too big sheets , " let the complaining begin ! " . Yet , I did not complain ! The bed is very firm now , and we don 't roll over to the edges anymore , plus I liked the fact that it was lower , that I didn 't have to put too much " oomph " to get on it ! And this morning , I awoke fairly rested . Of course , the back , hip , and leg pains are still there , but I think that a few nights of sleeping on this will really make a difference there , too . My back had so much more support , which was nice , and because of that , I didn 't have to go to the recliner to get comfortable . SO , I think it was a wise decision to go ahead and get this mattress situation taken care of now . Every little bit helps ! David is still recovering from his congestion that he got antibiotics for on Friday . He was running a bit of fever last night and today , but I think that today will be the turning point for that . I have found that after taking antibiotics for a couple of days , I feel much better on the third day . And since he is back on the clock tomorrow , it couldn 't come at a better time ! ! Today is a beautiful day . I sat on the deck for a while , and will probably go back later on this afternoon . It has gotten a little bit warm right now . But it sure is lovely , with a nice breeze , leaves gently gliding to the ground . And the sun angle is different , too , not quite as bright as just a few weeks ago , and filtering among the trees with slightly changing leaves , well , it is just breathtakinposted by wagsandpurrs @ 2 : 13 PM 1 comments Well , we got the new mattress and donated the other one to a rescue mission here . So , I will let you know if it feels better . It isn 't one of those really thick ones , so the sheets and comforter fit a whole lot better . And now I won 't feel like I need to leap up to get on the bed . Although , the highest bed I ever saw was one Cheryl got a few years ago . I literally DID try to leap on it , but it was just too high . I think she sent it back for something not quite so nose - bleed inducing ! ! ! And I honestly felt like Goldilocks in the furniture store , laying on the beds , trying to find the one that was " just right " . I halfway expected there to be some porridge on the dining tables they had for sale there , too ! ! But that is what is happening , new bed , hopefully restful sleep . If not , there is always the recliner . I just watched the season premiere of " The Office " tonight . That show is just so great and for those of you who do watch it , weren 't Jim and Pam just precious ? But one of the funniest lines was Michael ( Steve Carell ) saying that he wasn 't " superstitious " , he was just " a little stitious " . David was laying on the bed ( new mattress ! ! ) and even he started laughing , just hearing it . Erica , we must discuss it soon ! ! ! ! Poor , poor Sprinkles . . . . . . . . Well , I am going to go to my new bed ! ! I hope I just leap out of the bed tomorrow morning , raring to go , after a great night 's sleep ! ! And I hope you do too ! ! ! Night night ! ! ! So , because I knew that we had to be in Jackson for an 8 : 50 appointment , I took a sleeping pill last night . Sure enough , I went to sleep , BUT I woke up around 2 : 30 and stayed awake the rest of the night ! I finally just gave up about 6 : 30 or so , after tossing and turning , and just got up , drank coffee , and started doing my pet chores . We actually got there on time , which I couldn 't believe , since the traffic is usually so bad in the morning . One of the things that we were extremely concerned about was David 's cough . It has come back with a vengeance in the last couple of weeks , plus he has been running higher than normal fever . He has been very pragmatic about it , stating the obvious , that this could be a turn for the worse . And I know this . I am not dumb . So , I was actually THRILLED to hear that he had wheezing in his chest ! ! ! ! Dr . Graham said that he felt like it was something that can be cleared up with a steroid shot , which he got , and some antibiotics . Then Dr . Graham started filling out all of the paperwork that the insurance company had sent him about David going back to work . He got a letter typed up for us , filled out the paperwork - one of the questions was " can patient lift one hundred pounds over his head ? " and Dr . Graham said " can I lift one hundred pounds over MY head ? ! " , laughing over the ridiculousness of some of the questions . And y ' all , he has just gotten so comfortable with us . He had gone online after the last visit and printed out the Duane Allman carving article and now has it in David 's " permanent " file . Then he told us about taking one of his sons ( college age ) and six of his friends to a rock concert recently , where the opening act was " Doctor Dog " ! He said they were good ! ! We were there a couple of hours while they did all that , with David laying up on the bed . That is a nice bunch of folks , angels on earth , for all that they do . I am really grateful to know them . One thing that wasn 't good was the cancer marker number . It had gone up quite a bit within a month 's time , but you know , we jusposted by wagsandpurrs @ 8 : 50 PM 0 comments Good evening . I hope that everyone has had a couple of good days . We eventually got hungry again , after the Lebanese dinner yesterday . I would like to have that food again and soon , especially those desserts ! There was one that was like a little pie but it had nuts and dates in it that was fabulous ! Okay , I will quit talking about it ! ! ! But we were talking in the coffee shop today about how great it would be to be able to get that food any time ! ! MMMM , little pies with nuts and dates in them . . . . . . We think we have the bathing situation well in hand over at Norma 's now . We stopped by Hometown Medical before going out there yesterday , and got her a handle that clamps on the tub for her to hold onto . She didn 't want to spend the money on it , at first ( it was rather expensive ) , but after she got in and out of the tub three times with no problem , she gladly wrote me a check for it ! And today we got a long handle bar for her to hold onto , also , so things are looking up in that department ! ! We also told her to take her phone into the bathroom with her , just in case she fell again , God forbid . But we feel a lot better now about everything . My leg feels better during the day , but at night , it is excruciating ! Tonight I was trying to go down to the basement and I could not put any weight on it and just screamed in pain , which startled the cats immensely . It is still throbbing , even though I am sitting down , so I do not know what is going on . I just do NOT need this at this time ! David is coughing a lot again , these days , but I am hoping that maybe some of it is caused by allergies , because I have started coughing some , too . The weather is kind of wonky lately , all humid and hot , and with a huge thunderstorm tonight . Things are starting to bloom that cause allergies , too , so that is what I hope it is . We go to the doctor on Friday and I think we are going to see if he will up the dosage of the Camptosar ( wow , that is just not something I thought I would be advocating ! ) just enough to see if we can get this under control . But , posted by wagsandpurrs @ 10 : 30 PM 0 comments There is an expression that is used quite often down here in the South , one that I don 't use too much , but is certainly apropos for today - I am full as a tick . Yuck , huh , but that is how I feel . You see , we went to the Lebanese dinner ( Actually it was " lunch " , but everyone there called it dinner . Tonight 's will be " supper " . ) and oh my goodness , was it tasty ! ! They give you a plate with , and forgive the spelling , since spell - check doesn 't have Lebanese food in their spelling lists , four absolutely delicious cabbage rolls , a square of kibbee , unleavened bread ( man , with butter and syrup that would have been a meal in itself ! ) , tabouli , and green beans with a tomato concoction in it . LORDY , was it good ! And David couldn 't eat as much as I could , so I ate the rest of HIS cabbage rolls and kibbee ! It is a good thing my jeans have an elastic waistband , because it was stretched to the breaking point ! And then , AND THEN , Mrs . Nosser brings over this big " sweets " tray ! ! I brought home two small bags with baklava , sombuski ( sp ? ) , butterfingers ( not the candy bar ) , something cakey that practically melted in your mouth and had a nut on top of it , and something else , I cannot even remember ! ! Lori Nosser was talking about how a cup of coffee would be so good with all of it . Well , YEAH , IT WOULD ! ! ! ! We are just too stuffed to eat it right now , though . In fact , David is taking a little rest and I am going to take a little Tums ! We are going to go out to Norma 's house to be there while she takes a bath , so we will take all of this with us . The whole " bath " thing is another story , but suffice it to say , she is not doing too well and needs us out there . But , back to the dinner ! Daniel had told us that we would see just about everyone in Vicksburg there , and he was just about right ! ! We sat with a couple that we had just seen a couple of weeks ago , the Cronias , but they were finishing up and they left , with us laughing about where we would see each other next ! Michael Flanagan , a former co - worker of David 's , and the guy who housesits posted by wagsandpurrs @ 3 : 00 PM 3 comments Good afternoon , all , on this autumnal equinox . It is still really hot and muggy , but I am hoping that after the rain that is forecast for our area moves on out , we will have some bonafide , fall weather ! I just love the colors , the crispness of the air , the blue of the sky , Halloween decorations , I JUST LOVE IT ! I am knocking on wood as I type this , but , BUT , I think my leg may be a tad bit better ! It still hurts , but I haven 't had to scream out in the last twenty four hours , NOR has it almost buckled under me . So , I still am thinking that it is a pulled muscle , from where the pain is and the fact that when I am off of it , there is absolutely no pain at all . Because I have not been in such agony , I have actually gotten lots done , clothes washed and actually put away , dishes washed and partly put away , gathered up the garbage and taken it out . Now , I would be lying if I said that walking up and down the stairs didn 't hurt , but again , it is so much better , I have high hopes that in the next few days , it will be just fine . I am even going to try to cut the backyard sometimes this week , but I am not sure how that will go since it is so high . In fact , I was looking for my black and white kitty last night , and she was just crouched down in the grass , only the tips of her ears showing ! ! ! It was so cute , but WRONG , because I am really afraid that an anaconda , or a garden snake , will run across my feet , and then , Bob 's your uncle , I will drop dead ! ! ! Yesterday , David pretty much slept all day long , but he did have chemo on Friday , so that was to be expected . I was still hobbling around and decided to get a pot down from my pot rack and a Calphalon lid , very heavy , fell and hit me on the chin , where I now have a bump and a bruise ! I am just very thankful that it didn 't hit my teeth , my nose , or broke my glasses ! ! ! And the stuff I ended up cooking ? It wasn 't great . Another reason to eat out ! ! ! ! ! Friday afternoon , Carolyn B . , who has been living in North Carolina for the past year , was in town on her birthday , so she met me at tposted by wagsandpurrs @ 2 : 05 PM 0 comments Fuzzy Originally uploaded by Fuzzy Gerdes Yes , this is my son - in - law . He didn 't win " Impress These Apes " , but dang it y ' all , he is wearing a banana suit ! I just called Erica to tell her how happy I would be if he wore it to the family reunion in October ! ! ! ! ! ! So , today is September 20 . My niece , Lace , turns five today . Happy Birthday , Lace ! But , on this date in 2004 , David underwent life changing surgery , at St . Dominic in Jackson . They removed the cancer , found a little more , removed that , too ! It was a very scary day , but we were surrounded by family and friends . Erica and I stayed at a hotel near the hospital , while he was in ICU . When he was moved to a private room , I switched kids and Christopher and I stayed in the room with him , both of us sleeping on a fold out bed . We were told they got it all , the margins were " clean " , and the chemo he would need would essentially be " mop up " . Sadly , that 's not what it turned out to be . Unbeknownst to us , even then , there was cancer growing in the lungs , that the readers of the tests all missed . We feel that was divine intervention , though , because our doctor said that had he known about the lung nodules , he wouldn 't have done the surgery and would have hit him hard with chemo . David and I both feel very very strongly that he would not have survived , had they done that . The pain from the original tumor had to be addressed , too , so we feel that things happened for the best . I mean , here he is , 3 years later , and after quite a bit of a setback , one in which we weren 't sure he would come out of , planning to go back to work in a little over a week ! ! ! We don 't know how that will work out , but he is excited about seeing his co - workers and getting back into the middle of the exciting world of slot machines ! I will police him , if he needs to take a nap , well , then , he has to take a nap . They know that he is not going to be able to work 10 hours every day , as he did a few years ago , and I think that they want to do everything they can to keep him . Besides wanting to be back at work for working 's sake , he really has to because of insurance . Cancer ain 't cheap ! ! But everyone seems genuinely glad to have David coming back to work , after all of this time . I think it will do him a world of good , and , hopefully , he will be able to work forposted by wagsandpurrs @ 7 : 14 AM 0 comments My friend , Celia Rivenbark , in Wilmington , North Carolina , had her 51st birthday on Sunday . This is her birthday present . I told her that I could send her a picture of me with my ' 92 Subaru Legacy with the broken passenger door handle , but I didn 't want to make her jealous ! And y ' all , doesn 't she look great ? ? AND she has a daughter in the fifth grade ! ! Maybe THAT is what is keeping her so young ! ! Okay , this leg thing is causing me the worst " intermittent " pain ! It 's like I am walking alongside , Matt Roloff , star of TLC 's " Little People , Big World " . We are just walking along , and then WHAM , he slams a knife into my thigh , then twists it , I cry out , almost fall to the ground , then he takes it out , and we continue walking a few feet , then WHAM , he does it again ! What is up with that ? Does that sound like a pulled muscle ? I really do not know ! My back is hurting more , could it be a pinched nerve ? I don 't know ! I wish I could just stay in the recliner today , not do anything and see if rest would help it , but we have that appointment with Social Security today , and David is not feeling very well , so I will need to be with him . But if I have to drive , I don 't know , it is my right leg ! ! ! I 've put heat on it , some cream on it ( icy hot like stuff ) , rubbed it , and it is the strangest thing . When it is not hurting , IT REALLY IS NOT HURTING ! ! ! But when it is , wow , I burst into tears last night , trying to get off the couch ! So , what does this sound like to all of you " doctors " at home ? Any suggestions ? And yeah , I do need to go to the doctor , but David has an appointment Thursday , chemo on Friday , I really would like to try any alternatives at home before I head to the doctor , because you know they will have to do x - rays and all and I just do not have the time , nor the patience , for all of that foofarol . Is that how you spell " foofarol " ? It 's not in " spellcheck " ! And someone left an odd comment on my Jewish cat post . I think it may be spam , because I don 't think it is a regular reader of my " column " . If he or she was , they would realize that I just wanted to put a cute Jewish cat picture up , not debate the history of Rosh Hashonna , and I probably just totally spelled that so very wrong . Again , spellcheck doesn 't have that word in it . Well , I can 't put off the day any longer . My granola bar is gone , my coffee is almost gone , animals are starving , so I had better be on my merry , yet painful , way ! HAVE A GREAT DAY ! ! ! ! ! Oh , anposted by wagsandpurrs @ 8 : 45 AM 3 comments Here it is , a beautiful Monday morning . If you didn 't hear the notes in the above title , it is " Monday , Monday " by the Mamas and the Papas . Now you hear it , right ? ? I need to pay bills , wash dishes , take care of the animals , so I am sitting in front of the computer reading about last night 's episode of " The 4400 " ( Billy Campbell is so good looking ! ) , reading about the Emmy Awards , which never crossed my mind to actually watch , drinking coffee , eating granola bars , you know , essential things ! So , I guess I need to get this week started . Hopefully , no young man blogger will die ( Adam Finley , last week ) , no cat will die ( Billy Bob , last week ) , no mother - in - law will fall out of the tub ( Norma , last week ) , my hip / leg will feel better - it just needs to be a better week , all around ! Here 's hoping for a great one ! ! ! My front yard did get cut yesterday , so it looks really great , but the backyard ? Well , let 's just say that when one of the cats crouches down to pounce on a wild leaf or blade of grass , you can only see their ears ! I am afraid that I will be stepping on a snake , or something , which would NOT , I repeat , NOT be a good way to start the week ! ! ! Hopefully , the snakes are elsewhere today ! ! ! Unfortunately , " snake in the grass " actually could mean a REAL snake in the grass ! ! ! ! I will just have to hope that my " Croc knockoffs " would scare them away ! ! ! ! ! Ooh , I just creeped myself out . Kittens , puppies , moonbeams , unicorns , yeah , that 's better ! ! ! ! ! ! Have a great great day , everybody ! ! ! ! ! Isn 't that a cute turtle , chowing down ? Yesterday was gorgeous . That is the only way to describe the weather that we had . Cool , breezy , low humidity , bright blue sky , WOW , it was fabulous ! David had been invited to have lunch with his friends , Tommy and John , so I was kind of left hanging . I mean , after six months of 24 hour a day togetherness , I didn 't know what to do with myself ! ! And on such a beautiful day , I wanted to do something ! ! So , I called my sister , who I knew was also alone yesterday ( the men in her family went to a movie ) so she picked me up , we had a wonderful lunch of spaghetti at Billy 's , walked around the outlet mall ( sad , sad , empty stores ! ) , then came home and sat on the deck for a couple of hours . It was so so nice ! ! Like she said , all she would have done was wash clothes , and really , there will just be more to wash later , so why NOT get out and enjoy and visit and commune with nature ? ? David got home just a few minutes after she left and while he had a good time , he had to rest up some . I stepped outside to bring in the cats and my good neighbor , Dessie was about to get in her car and so , more visiting and enjoying the weather . It is a small world - she works in the same place that my sister does ! ! ! I called Linda and she was like " YOU ARE KIDDING ! " which was about the same thing that Dessie said , too ! ! ! So , I am really happy about that , another connection of friends and family . And Dessie told me she was getting married soon ! ! Big things a ' happenin ' ! Now , if we could get a " For Sale " sign in another neighbor 's yard . . . . . . A funny thing , while I was talking to Dessie , up strolls Scruffy , and she said that her grandson loved him and he liked to sit on her porch . I explained my partial ownership of him , that I had gotten him fixed , vaccinated , flea treated , doctored , and that I had put that pretty little tinkly collar on him ! She has no problem with any of my animals , she said , but she is bothered by the house behind us . A family moved in there months ago , and they don 't cut the grass very regularly , they have two vehicles up in theirposted by wagsandpurrs @ 11 : 10 AM 0 comments Today was chemo and as usual , David is kind of washed out , but he has a lunch date tomorrow with two of his friends , so hopefully , he will feel much better by then . I am hoping that my leg / hip pain will be better tomorrow , because according to the weather forecast , it is supposed to be just lovely , cool breezes , low humidity , just what I want to see . It may be me just sitting out on the deck if the leg / hip pain is no better , which will be nice ( not the pain , though ) . I found out where Scruffy is spending most of his time now . I stopped and picked him up this morning and brought him here to have some canned cat food . And tonight when I was on the phone , sitting on the deck , here he comes , running up the stairs . I got him some more canned cat food , he ate , looked up , and then took off down the stairs , into the street , and was gone , in a flash ! He may have been startled by the football game going on at the stadium . I know I was . I was standing in the front yard and all of a sudden " LADIES AND GENTLEMEN " and I just about jumped out of my skin , which didn 't help my leg / hip very much . And that 's the thing - I really can 't tell if it is my hip or if it is my leg . All I know is that it almost makes me burst into tears when it hits , which is becoming more frequent as the day wears on . I may have to break down ( which I am pretty sure I am doing ! ) and go to the doctor . I mean , I have to be able to walk . So , it 's just been another day of moonbeams and unicorn farts over here . I am sorry , I saw something or read something using that term and it is just so silly , I had to steal it . Now I am going to try to go to sleep . I was awake until 2 this morning , then slept in the chair until 6ish , knowing we had to get to chemo early . It has taken its toll . Night . This has been an absolutely crappy week , no way around it , just not great . So , today , in the rain from the hurricane , we had to go to the Social Security office so David may ONE day qualify for long - term disability . That is what we were told to do by Met Life : the case manager said he would definitely be turned down , but if he ever needs the long - term disability , and he may , with the supplemental payments that they will make when he has to miss because of chemo and / or doctor 's appointments , they have to see that he has made an official request with Mississippi Social Security . Okay . The office is across the street from McAlister 's , so we decided to pop in and get a baked potato before we go to the S . S . office . We are ordering and we hear a familiar voice saying , " I 'll get that " and we turn around and LO AND BEHOLD , there is Ian , working behind the counter . We were delighted to see him and he said he would join us at our table in a few minutes . So , here he comes , and proceeds to tell us that he had been working in Vicksburg for several weeks , he thought we knew ( we had NO clue ) and he wondered why we hadn 't been in there before now . We explained the " no clue " part and then he said , are you ready for this ? " I left that jug of iced tea by your backdoor the other day " and we looked at each other and said " YOU LEFT IT ? WHY DIDN ' T YOU SAY SO ? " He said he had left a note ( nowhere to be found ) , but didn 't know we had gone out of town , plus he left it by the laundry room door , because he thought we would have gone in that way instead of the deck ( we don 't ) and after he saw my post about the tea , he didn 't know what to say so he didn 't say anything ! ! ! ! ! We are relieved ! ! ! And he said , sorry , it was sweet tea ! ! ! Now , did we jump to conclusions ? Yes , we did . Do we still think that this could have been a trick by certain individuals , especially since we weren 't home ? Yes , I wouldn 't be surprised at anything that they would do . You read about it all of the time . I am very glad that it was a friend who left the tea , but these dposted by wagsandpurrs @ 4 : 51 PM Wednesday , September 12 , 2007 Happy Rosanne Rosannadanna ! ! ! ! Oh , wait ! I think I totally spelled that wrong ! I mean , Happy Rosh Hashanah ! ! ! It is so cloudy today , and so cool . FINALLY , a fall day has arrived ! ! ! THAT cheers me up ! Have a great one ! ! Well , today is the anniversary of the terrorist attacks . I didn 't watch anything about it , because it is still very fresh in my mind , after 6 years . There is a big yellow ribbon with American flags on a hill just outside the National Military Park as you come into town , which was a very nice gesture . Thanks to all that put it out there . It was a nice , nonviolent reminder of a horrible day . Also , late this afternoon , I saw my neighbor , Marian , and I asked her how she was . Not good , she said , Billy Bob died today . Now Billy Bob is her precious little bobtailed cat . Yes , he hissed at me a few times , but I forgave him ! He had been sleeping a lot more lately , so much so that last week I called Marian to check on him , because I thought he was a little too still . As soon as she came out , he jumped up and I was relieved , so I was totally surprised at her news today . But he was fourteen years old , and he really had been sleeping all day lately . He will be missed around here . I hope he crossed the Rainbow Bridge and is playing on the other side . I don 't mean that to be maudlin , I mean it to be optimistic , I really do . The weather has turned gorgeous , still very hot during the day , but MAN OH MAN , it is absolutely perfect tonight ! ! I would go sit out on the deck and just enjoy the cool breeze , but I am tired and really think it would behoove me to go to bed now . So that is what I am going to do now . Have a great evening ! ! Picture of Billy Bob by Marian Phillips Good news , Norma did not break anything in her fall last night . And the doctor is changing some of her medicine that may be the cause of her legs swelling so much and hurting so badly . GREAT ! ! We were so glad to hear it . And she was very upbeat after her doctor 's appointment . Maybe she will be all right . David has been sluggish today . We have figured out that the day after chemo , with this regimen , he feels great , it 's those second and third days that really hit him hard . We have to work around that after he starts back to work . I am really concerned about that , but things will work out , hopefully . We had a good time , though , this afternoon at the coffeeshop . Daniel and Leslie had been gone for a week to Santa Fe , so it was good to see him back where he belongs , PLUS it is his birthday today , so that was nice , too . We visited with some folks and then came home , after running by the drugstore and picking up three of our medicines . I am extremely tired right now , though , and really need to be in the bed . Have a great evening and we 'll see you soon . So , I always go to the blog website of TV Squad , everyday . I have a few favorite writers , and I comment quite often on their posts . Today , there is a tribute to one of the writers , 30 year old Adam Finley , who got hit by a bus while riding his bicycle on Thursday ! He was one of the most enjoyable writers , I knew he was Christopher 's age , and I believe that Adam and his wife were expecting their first child . You know , the term " hit by a bus " is often bandied about as a cliche , but DAMN , this kid was hit by a bus and died ! ! I am really depressed . I need something to cheer me up . The Prize Patrol driving into my driveway , and not just to turn around , would be a nice pick - me - up , don 't you think ? Anyway , everyone : BE CAREFUL ! ! ! ! ! I can 't get any more depressed today , so y ' all all stay safe , okay ? Update : Apparently Adam was not the blogger that was married . But he was one of the funniest bloggers on the TvSquad website . He was hit by a school bus on Thursday morning but had no identification on him , only some keys and his iPod . They traced his identity through his iPod registration and identified him Saturday afternoon . His parents had been trying to reach him for those days , and were very worried , as well they should be . And since I have a child this age , my heart just aches for them . So , where did we leave off ? Oh yeah , I was going to bed . Which I did , but I was having stomach pains and realized , hey , I didn 't eat any supper ! ! So , I got up and ate some jello , drank some juice , read the news , then took 3 Benadryls , 2 ibuprofens , and headed back to bed . I was brushing my teeth again , when David started yelling that the phone was ringing . We figured it was a wrong number . WE were wrong , it was Norma , sobbing into the phone that she had fallen out of the bathtub , could we come over . It is 11 : 45 . I told her yes , but it would be a few minutes , because David had been dead asleep and I had just " drugged " up for the night . So , off we go , at midnight . Oh , we saw the elusive Scruffy , licking his leg on the sidewalk of Polk Street . It was good to see that he was still alive . Back to the story - we get there and she has managed to pull on her nightgown and turned on the light and unlocked the door , all by scooting across the floor . We couldn 't get her up , so we called the fire department and about 25 to 30 minutes later , here they are . She was just dead weight and they had to just lift her straight up , something that David and I would not be able to do , especially with David 's hip / back hurting him so badly lately . They got her into a chair and proceeded to tell her that , since she had fallen twice in four days , she needed to get the Life Alert monitor . Now I had sent off for the info last year and both she and my mother had no interest in it whatsoever , so I was so pissed off , I just threw the whole kit and kaboodle away . I told the firemen that , too , and they understood my frustration . Maybe NOW , they will listen and consider it . If they want to live alone , they HAVE to have it . What if this had happened last Sunday night ? We were in Gulfport ! ! And , I hate to say this , but it 's out there , if David doesn 't get any better and the worst happens , I am not going to be mentally or physically capable of being their main contact if they fall . And the fireman kept saying , what if you had broken your hip , you wouldposted by wagsandpurrs @ 10 : 24 AM 0 comments So , we journeyed over to Clinton this afternoon , to go to the moving picture show ! ! ! Vicksburg STILL does not have a theater . Which really sucks big time , if you ask me , and you didn 't , but there it is , my opinion . We ate at Corky 's before the show , as we had done last time , and the waitress remembered that we were going to the show then , also . The food was okay , the atmosphere was nice , and we were remembered . All in all , a decent meal . WHICH MADE ME SICK ! ! It 's not their fault , I just shouldn 't have gotten barbecue , but dang , it is a barbecue joint ! But , after medicine , I was recovered in time for the movie . The movie was " 3 : 10 To Yuma " , starring Russell Crowe and Christian Bale . It is a remake based on an Elmore Leonard story , a western , of course , good guys , bad guys , high morals , no morals , the heart of a good woman , lots of gunshots , blood , you know , the usual . With its two stars , I figured it would be easy on the eyes , too , but it was very enjoyable , a very good story with a few surprises , and I highly recommend it to everyone that enjoys westerns . Or Russell Crowe . You see , with Christian B . in it , I thought he would be the " eye candy " but Russell C . , well , all I can say is he looked great on a horse ! ! And there was one scene , just his facial expression and what it conveyed , made me think that he needed to be nominated for an Oscar for this performance . REALLY good acting , all the way around , though . And the music was lovely . I mean , it 's no " Superbad " or " The Simpsons Movie " , but I enjoyed it thoroughly ! ! ! And thank goodness it was no " Stardust " , one of the worst movies that I have ever had to sit through . So , a big thumbs up from me ! ! And thus ends our broadcast day . Have a good Monday morning . Oh , the ants got after me again this morning and I threw the scooper into a puddle of water , then got it and shook the ants off , then realized they were crawling on my neck and face , so then threw it down again , then wiped my face with my hands , at which time I smelled that apparently there had been poop in the afoposted by wagsandpurrs @ 8 : 54 PM 2 comments Yep , ol ' Scruffy was laying on the sidewalk in front of the house tonight , minus his purple collar . So , now he has a new shiny one with a bell on it ! He doesn 't like it . Scruffy must be on " walk - about " again . He hasn 't been here in 24 hours ! It isn 't the first time he has done it , and hopefully , won 't be the last ! ! ! He really makes me extremely happy , though ! ! So , the tea is still sitting in my laundry room . I am afraid to even smell it , but I don 't want to pour it out yet . Such a mystery , such a mystery . But here is another one - when we got home Tuesday afternoon , I only had one newspaper . I asked Marian if we had gotten one on Labor Day and she said yes , and I borrowed hers . Well , what do you know ? I went out to get the paper yesterday afternoon , and there was the Labor Day paper in my box ! ! Now , we have the same carrier . What 's going on ? Someone is messing with us . And I , for one , am glad that I have dogs that will bark at such shenanigans ! ! ! It just makes me feel even more apprehensive about putting mail out in the mailbox ! ! Who knows who is hanging around , waiting to take something ? This may be paranoia , but you know , it is just a little " too too " , if you know what I mean ! ! So , I will be more observant than normal . We are concerned . Okay , gotta go . Later ! ! Okay , here 's the deal - we were gone from Sunday until late Tuesday afternoon . When we got home , there was a jug of tea , sitting by my laundry room door , on the concrete , no note , just a jug , not sealed , of tea . Now , I didn 't put it there , obviously , so I assumed that Marian did , since she had been feeding and watering the cats . But , no , she didn 't do it either . So , I called Cheryl . Nope , not Cheryl . Now . I don 't want to jump to conclusions , or think the worst of someone , but , BUT , the yp 's knew we were gone , they saw us leave . I don 't trust them . And most people , if they knew us , would leave something on the table on the deck , NOT the laundry room door . AND they would have said something , right ? This may be a perfectly innocent anonymous gift from someone , BUT I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK IT ! ! ! I just find it ironic that this occurred while we were out of town . AND it would be quite easy for certain people to just run this over and not be seen . Now , that being said , there is probably nothing wrong with the tea , except it is probably sweetened ( we like unsweetened , thank you very much ! ) . But , would any of YOU READERS drink it ? In this day and age of crazy people walking ' round with blood in their eyes * ( thank you , Don Henley ) , I just feel that we should just pour it out , don 't you ? And since it was opened and not sealed , anything could be in it , couldn 't it ? So , that is my dilemma , or , not really a dilemma , just a curiosity ! ! Later ! * " All She Wants to do is Dance " Thanks , Susan for pointing out my typo ! ! ! Spell check wouldn 't have pointed it out , since " it " was spelled correctly ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Thanks ! And , Dan , I wouldn 't be surprised if a hobo or two walked around here ! ! ! ! Yessirree , we are back in Vicksburg . It is so muggy here , compared to the coast . We had an uneventful trip back , went through a few downpours , and then drove right back into sunshine . By the time we were a couple of hours away from home , it really got very pretty , weatherwise . Partly cloudy , but with late afternoon shadows , a breeze , very nice . But when I got back home and took care of the animals ? GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY , it is hot ! ! But it is good to be home . Even being gone for just a couple of days really throws me off kilter . And I hate to unpack ! ! Kathy and Rick were perfect hosts , as usual , and we just enjoyed visiting with them so much . David 's conversation with his boss went very well , also , and I think the transition back to a work schedule will be handled very carefully . The company doesn 't want David to do too much , too soon , and understands that he will be having chemo and the resulting side effects , every week . That is good , for everybody . The kitten did very very well on the way back . After meowing at us for a couple of minutes , she went to sleep ! At one point , we weren 't sure whether she was just sleeping soundly or had died . Fortunately , she was just sleeping soundly . I am sure that everyone has heard that Bo Diddley had a heart attack a few days ago . Well , it was announced today that his heart attack occurred while he was exercising . That 's right , he was doing " Diddley squats " when it happened ! ! ! I KNOW I KNOW ! ! I wish that I had thought of it ! ! ! ! ! That 's it for now . Later ! ! So , good morning , all ! I am on Rick 's computer , which , by the way , is MUCH better than my computer . We have had a good time , eating way WAY too much food . I know I have probably put on some weight in the last two days . We went to the new Hard Rock Cafe in the new casino and ate a wonderful hamburger . Waddling out the door , we then stopped at Ben and Jerry 's , where I ate , what I thought was a SMALL cup of ice cream , which was delicious . David got a milkshake and then finished up my ice cream , too ! We walked around looking at the displays , but one of the most interesting ones was a glass case holding items that had been washed away by Katrina . You know , the Hard Rock Casino was due to open the day the storm hit , and so much of the memorabelia washed away . This case held what was was recovered , and also had a picture of the casino after the storm . Unbelievable . In fact , it is still quite unbelievable down here . While there is lots of new construction , and some beautiful new houses , there are still lots of slabs , with steps leading to nowhere , with a number spray painted on them . There are lots of buildings you can see through , and although they are cleaned up , it still is very disheartening . There were a few houses still in the exact place that the storm left them , nothing has been done to move them , which makes you wonder who owns them and did they survive . Yet there are businesses coming back , too , and the beach was pretty busy yesterday , before we had a downpour of rain . After a little rest , we went to eat AGAIN , and I don 't know why , but I was hungry at midnight ! Oh , what a pig I am ! ! Anyway , we are getting ready to go to IGT to talk with David 's boss . The little kitten did well on the trip . It was extremely hot coming down . We went through about four or five very heavy thunderstorms , but when we would drive out of them , the sun was shining right in my window , which was very hot , especially holding a little black thing covered in fur and a blanket ! Well , one time she started panting and then just peed all over mposted by wagsandpurrs @ 9 : 34 AM 1 comments We 're off to the coast ! See ya Tuesday ! ! ! OH OH ! ! Alton Brown was drinking out of one of Daniel 's Hwy . 61 coffee cups on Feasting with Asphalt last night ! ! If you have it recorded , go and look at the Civil War reenactment part where they were trying to determine who made the best coffee . And THERE IT WAS ! ! ! We were so excited ! ! ! ! Anyway , have a great holiday ! ! ! ! ! And it is , it is finally September ! ! It is always so nice to change the calendar , see what Gary Larson and B . Kliban have on hand for the new month . I have about a million things to do today . I am still in my gown , drinking coffee . I may only get to half a million . I dread going out into the dog yard . You know , those dreaded ants might leap upon me and start to chomping again . I certainly don 't want that ! This is a short post , a short post at the start of a long weekend . And , I had to put this sweet picture of a kitty and his / her dolly . I just want to snuggle in there with them ! ! Have a great Saturday ! I did lose David , but I hope to keep his memory alive for as long as I am alive . I hope to have a healthy , happy , productive life that will mean something to someone when it is time for me to leave it . I want my " dash " to be important , too . Music is a very important part of my life , all kinds , but especially classic rock . I believe that that is how David will be sending me " signs " throughout the years , so it will be interesting to see how many different songs and genres will be used . I am more than eager to find out ! ! |
She took me in to care for me , as she did for my father and her grandchildren and great - grandchildren and my grandfather . She even did this for any person who needed a place to stay . She checked on her brothers and her sisters on a weekly basis , but I never heard any of them give Aunt Jennie a kind word As I got older and Aunt Jennie was alone in the house , I would visit with her as much as my life would allow . She would be sitting on the south side of her porch , where the sun would shine on her and give her warmth on the chilly days . I find myself doing that now . I made the mistake of asking my father about this , and all hell broke loose . I still feel so bad that Aunt Jennie got in trouble with my father over this . I am trying to find out the facts now . All of them . Just so I can put these secrets to rest . My dog was tied up in the garage , and she barked all night . Sparky would sometimes break loose and go to Aunt Jennie 's house . One of these times in life , the good Lord is giving you a sign to make the right decision . People at work bought me some clothes , and I continued going to work . Three days after the fire , I came home from work . Ann was standing on the bottom of the stairs . She slapped me across my face , but I grabbed her by her neck with both of my hands and backed her against the wall , and I told her that if she ever touched me again , I would kill her . Father came home and came upstairs to my locked room and told me to apologize to my mother . I screamed at him that she was not my mother . That was the first time I had ever disrespected my father . I have so many questions and no answers ! The strength I have had all my life seems to be gone . I 'm tired . Why didn 't my father protect me ? Why didn 't he let me live with Aunt Jennie or with my mother ? Why ? Why ? Aunt Jennie was speaking to someone ; I do not remember to whom . She told this person that Ann 's mother beat me : Ann would drop me off at her mother 's house for me to clean there . When displeased with me , this woman would beat me with a wooden spoon . Concerning this , Aunt Jennie said to me , " You remember that , right , Mary ? " I did not , until years later . It made me feel bad that I could not back up Aunt Jennie 's story . I wonder - As I was growing up , Ann would send me to Town Pharmacy to ask for and buy Trojans condoms . . I did not know what they were until much later . I 'm hoping that the people in the pharmacy realized that I did not know what they were and that I was not buying them for my use . For many years I had periods of excruciating pain on the left side of my face . The pain would be very bad at times , lasting a few days , even lasting weeks . Thinking that I had an infection in a tooth , I went to various dentists . Different dentists would pull some teeth each time . Every time dentists would give me a shot of Novocain , it would only intensify this pain . I went to doctors . They thought I must be having bouts of neuralgia . I ended up with a dentist who said he would have to drill every tooth and scrape bone and cap all my teeth . That cost me $ 12 , 000 , more than a year 's pay . I borrowed money from the bank for each stage of this process . After many years of this problem , my father just happened to mention that he had dropped me down a flight of stairs in the big house , when I was very small . He stated that I landed on the left side of my head . I said to him , " Dad , I think this information would have been important to all the dentists and doctors I have gone to ! " My father would tell me that I was going to end up like my mother , leaving my child behind to pursue a singing career . Despite all his remarks about my voice and how I was going to be just like my mother , he called me one day and asked me to make a recording of songs for him . I did not know how to do that , and even if I did , I was past the singing thing . When I married Alan , my second husband , I sang " The Lord 's Prayer " at my wedding . My father was there , and that was the end of my public singing . I think my father could not own up to his lack of taking care of me after he had gone through all the trouble of kidnapping me back from my mother , then just throwing me under the bus with Ann . How did he justify this to himself or me ? Maybe that 's why we were never able to talk about anything important as I got older . During my nearly ten years of tutoring , many problems arose for some of my students . It is not at all surprising that problems abound when you think of the barriers presented by not knowing our language , our laws , or our cultural expectations . Many of my lessons specifically addressed these very stressed - filled dilemmas for them , on a personal , not classroom , level . My Chinese students had an extended support system , so seldom needed my help outside class ; not so for many from various other cultures . Despite LVA 's advisement and rules for not getting involved in their personal lives , I often did . Most of my students became my friends ; some of them , I expect , will be my friends for the rest of my life . It isn 't in me to let friends flounder when I have the means to help . I , and most other tutors , mentored almost as much as we taught English . I 've talked to doctors , nurses , dentists , pharmacists , school principals , teachers , lawyers , policeman , sheriffs , social workers , landlords , and butchers , bakers and candlestick - makers ( okay , no candlestick - makers ) on behalf of my students . I 've advised on dress codes , manners , résumés , spousal abuse , and helped fill out more damned forms than I care to remember . I learned how to read electric meters so I could help a student pass his meter - reading test . I helped a dad write a letter to his son . Their problems were endless and often personal , and I helped guide them when they asked , regardless of the rules against personal involvement . Over the years , I tutored students from every walk of life , from all educational and economic backgrounds , from all major religions , and from at least twenty different countries . What an education I got ! Every tutor I 've talked to agrees we learn more than our students do . As much as it may seem I 'm blowing my own horn ( I said " I " an awful lot in the preceding paragraphs ) , I 'm not . I 'm grateful for every moment , because every moment was a much - valued learning experience … . Imagine how empty my life would have been without We are serializing here Judy Axtell 's But . . . at What Cost : A Skeptic 's Memoir , published by Outskirts Press and available in paperback through Outskirts and Amazon and other on - line booksellers . I am proud to have been coach and editor for the book . While I was still living at Aunt Jennie 's house , I started dating a boy from New York City . I don 't even remember his name or how I met him . His family had a summer home by the Lake , but not on my family 's property . I was working at American Felt Company at that time , and the women there were very nice to me . This guy wanted me to meet him halfway between New York City and Cornwall , where I lived . I was shy and timid during those years . The women at work said , " No way ! Tell him he has to come up here . " He did travel to Cornwall , and he did seem like a very nice young man . One night , he came up from the City and told me he needed to pick something up from his family 's summer house . We pulled into their garage , and he said he would be right back . A few minutes later , he yelled for me to come upstairs from the garage . I did so , and when I entered the living room , he was lying naked on the couch and told me to sit on him . I told him , " No ! " He started grabbing me as I tried to get out through the door . He kept pushing me down , and he got me into a bedroom , at which point he told me to go ahead and scream , as no one would hear me . It was a fight . He was grabbing me and pulling me down , and I was kicking and punching to get back up . I guess I tired him out , because he finally let me go , and eventually he drove me home . Because I was so upset when I got home , I told Aunt Jennie . She told my father . As it turned out , this guy 's uncle owned a bar and pizza place my father patronized . My father called the uncle , who called the father of the boy , at which time the father made the son write a letter to me stating how sorry he was and that he hoped that he would some day be lucky enough to marry a girl like me and hoped that his daughter would be a good girl like me . This was the only time I appreciated my father 's calling anybody on my behalf . You think I would remember this guy 's name , but I don 't . Perhaps it is just as well I do not . I was taking a ride up into the mountains , which I did a lot before I went to work on the late shift . The man had parked his car just off to the side of the road , so it was not easy to miss . I approached it cautiously and was shocked by what I saw . Once I knew what I had seen , I drove to the Police Department as quickly as possible , shaking all the way . I walked in and told them what I had found and then ran out to get to work . They were running after me to get more information , but they let me go , as they knew who I was and could come to my place of work if they needed more information . I saw that dead man in my imagination for years afterwards . Even now , if I see a car parked on the edge of the road and it does not seem right to me , I call 911 instead of walking up and looking into the car . Before I ran away from home , when I lived with my father and Ann , my stepmother , almost every day I had to wash and dry clothes . I would fold or hang them all , and Ann would put them away . When it came to my room , Ann would wait until I was asleep , come into my room , put the lights on , and wake me up ! If I acted as if I were still sleeping , she would grab the back of my hair and lift me up to make sure I was awake . Every night at bedtime , we would be expected to kiss my father and Ann good night . I would rather have gotten a beating than kiss either of them . I remember going to school with two black eyes . They made me wear dark glasses and say that I had poison ivy in my eyes . The last thing I wanted to do was to kiss either of them . This attitude rolled over to my adult life . Some of my in - laws seem to hug and kiss everyone within reach . It seems that they could hate a person and still hug and kiss that person . I used to not hug and kiss my closest friends , unless I had to . I 've gotten a little better at it , but not much . When I do have a genuine affection for somebody , then we do hug and kiss . That day , I moved everything to my closet at my father and Ann 's house . The next day I received a telephone call from Ann , saying the house was on fire . When all was said and done , the fire started in my closet . Ann had been going through my things with her cigarette hanging out of her mouth and the fire started ! I lost everything but the clothes on my back , my car , and my dog . My father and Ann had their house redone , making it better than it had been . My losses were not repaid . I think about Ann 's going through my things that first day after I had moved back home from Aunt Jennie 's house , because my father said that Ann had changed . Ann had her cigarette hanging out of her mouth , which caused that fire in my closet . Oh yes , Dad , she really had changed ! I remember a special Saturday afternoon at Aunt Jennie 's house . Aunt Jennie was downstairs , and I was upstairs . All of a sudden , Aunt Jennie yelled to me , " Mary , Ann just pulled up front . " I ran to the bathroom and threw up . That never happened before or since . I read an autobiography by Gertrude Bell a while back . She was recounting her experiences with the people of the Middle East during the late eighteen hundreds . As soon as I read the line " they make me a person , " I knew it captured the essence of what my Chinese students did for me . They made me a person . I 'd heard their culture reveres teachers and old people , but I 'd never seen it in action - nor did it play out as I expected . I expected them to be appreciative and respectful and maybe bow a lot , but I didn 't know a little respect would make me feel so darned happy . I have been many things to many people : a mother , a daughter , a grandmother , an in - law , a businesswoman , a volunteer , and a friend - fulfilling roles all , but none of those roles boosted my ego quite as much as Chinese graciousness did . Now , I 'm guessing we older Americans just aren 't used to receiving so much positive attention from younger people . That is not to say that young Americans or my other students from other countries don 't respect me ; they do . But , there is a difference . Excepting family gatherings , genuine social interaction between generations is very rare in Western cultures . Granted , my Asian students were very grateful for the service I provided , and the Chinese equivalent of Miss Manners must demand they show their appreciation . However , they did not need to make me an honored guest at their weddings , bring me presents on Mother 's Day , or share their families ' New Year feasts with me . I guess Chen said it best . He had treated me to a day in NYC 's Chinatown , and while we were eating dinner I commented that few American men of his age ( 30 ) would choose to spend so much time with a person twice his age . He laughed and said , " We like old people . " When I told Connie of my infatuation with all this attention she said , " Well , they like you . " Yes , they do , but Randy and Sue and their friends like me too ( I think ) , but I don 't get invited to their parties , nor do I expect to be . I attend Beth and Andrew 's parties , but they have little choice because I stay in their home when I visit . When I 'm there I , too , get invited to parties they 're invited to , but I don 't think it 's because anyone wants me there ; it seems more a courtesy . The generations just don 't mix much in America . In my memory , they never have … at least not by choice , or often , or for very long . That 's too bad . I like being " a person . " We are serializing Judy Axtell 's blog here . Her book was published by Outskirts Press , and is available from on - line booksellers , including amazon . com . I am proud to have served as coach and editor . I was always made to play sports with Norman , Ann 's son , my step - brother . When we played baseball , he wanted to be the pitcher , I had to be the catcher . When he wanted to play basketball , I had to play also . In fact , I had to play basketball almost every night , after I cleaned up from supper . At school they had a New York State basketball contest for foul - shooting ability . I won by making all 25 of my 25 attempts . I was given a nice trophy , which made Norman 's mother very mad . I never saw that trophy again ! One was a boy who lived right next to school and would go home for lunch . I would have my lunch and then walk back to school with him . We were friends , and that was all . We had great conversations , but never even held hands . We were just friends . My father told him to keep away from me . The incident with the second boy occurred when I was going into my senior year in high school . Every day , everybody would stand around talking . I noticed a nice - looking guy , and I guess he noticed me . After he graduated , he sent me a letter in which he said he would like to take me to a movie . My father called him and his parents and told them never to contact me again . Odd . One of Ann 's favorite things to do was to hide behind the door when I would open the kitchen door to enter the house . She would grab the back of my hair and drag me around the house . I still remember the hurtful and disgusting words she would call me ! I was responsible for the cleaning of the house , which would take some of my weekday evenings and pretty much the entire weekend . On one of those hair - pulling and - dragging occasions , she had a bucket of water and ammonia . She pushed my face into the bucket , at which time I passed out . From that point on , I had to clean everything with ammonia . I was the student who took around the attendance lists to the classrooms every morning . I would go to the main office to pick up the lists and start delivering them . I was a fairly good student in most of my classes , but my grades were never good enough for my father and Ann . If I got a B + , it should have been an A . If I got an A , it should have been an A + . This was even though I never had much time left for homework at home . One day , as I was waiting for the attendance list , I noticed a pile of new , blank report cards . I took one and started making out my own report card . For a time it relieved my stress level at report card time , until I put myself on the honor roll by mistake ! Well , all hell broke loose , and I was punished hard for that , but I did deserve it . This time they really did have something to punish me for . I had to work twice as hard to bring my grades back up , and deal with the madness at home . It has taken me years to realize that some of my teachers and principals were trying to watch over me . The Principal would have me baby - sit his children . The English teacher , Mr . Bouton , would ask me every day to stay after class and erase the chalk board . Mr . Krug shocked me one day , as I always sat in the front row . He said , " Has everyone noticed what beautiful blue eyes Mary has ? " I wanted to crawl under my desk . One day in high school we were having music class . Mrs . Callahan was the substitute teacher that day . She was playing the piano and asked me to sing while she played . I don 't know why it all came out sounding so good that day , because I normally was scared to death singing in front of anyone . When we were finished , she stood up and said to the class , " Take a good look at Mary now because she 's going to really be somebody . " As you will read here , I never became that somebody . The day I left home , intending the departure to be forever , I was 16 , just recently graduated from high school . I had a job that was on the second shift , so I waited for Ann and her sister to leave the house to do their daily shopping . I put what I could into a paper bag and left . I went to the town park , as I had every intention of sleeping in a small shed the town had on its property . My cousins were at the park , and I told them what I was doing . They went to Aunt Jennie and came back to tell me to go to Aunt Jennie 's house . That day I started living with Aunt Jennie , and for the first time since I had been with my grandmother , I was not afraid . I was happy ! In contrast , I remember my real mother , Elaine , coming to visit me while I was living with Aunt Jennie . Aunt Jennie had told me that she always liked my real mother . My mother and I took a walk . I was much taller than she was . She told me that I had a cleft chin , but I had no idea what that was back then . She was blonde and pretty . That 's all I remember , except that she gave me a pearl ring , which I wore for many years . We are serializing in this blog the memoir KIDNAPPED TWICE ; Then Betrayed and Abused , by Mary E . Seaman and myself . It tells of the long - lasting effects of child abuse by Mary 's step - mother and father . It also describes her efforts to help her own step - daughter , and it shows her love of all animals . The book is available in paperback and ebook formats from amazon . com and other online book sellers . While nothing can quite compare to being a gramma ( the kids ' name for me ) , tutoring came close . I liked wallpapering and it was a worthy challenge , but tutoring was more personally satisfying . Prior to joining Literacy Volunteers of America ( LVA ) , most of my accomplishments had been physical ones . Getting old sucks . Setting up staging in a stair - well and climbing around like a mountain goat while wall papering were very physical . I was far from being a great athlete , but I had coached Little League softball for many years , played competitive softball and volleyball well into my fifties , and played tennis until I ruptured my Achilles tendon playing tennis when I was 59 . I couldn 't sing anymore , at least not as well as I wanted to . I couldn 't play sports anymore , at least not competitively . I didn 't want to hang wallpaper anymore because it was no fun doing it alone once Amy had moved to Georgia , and after the Achilles injury it was too physically demanding except for small jobs . As I said , " Getting old sucks . " Tutoring saved me from entering a vegetative state . My brain still worked , so that 's the direction I headed . My long - time friend , Al Bojman , and his mother , Joan , had been after me for years to give it a try . She loved it , thought I would be good at it , and used Al as her recruiter . Enter assignment number one : Ying was a returnee to the program . She had been in the States for two years and was living with and working for her brother in a local Chinese restaurant . She worked from eleven a . m . until ten p . m . six days a week , so we arranged to meet from nine to ten - thirty on Tuesday and Friday mornings . We got off to a slow start . I was inexperienced , and she was shy and entirely too polite . All that smiling and nodding had me completely fooled into thinking she was learning . Not ! Somewhere in the middle of our third session she allowed her eyes to glaze over . A definite breakthrough . I adjusted my technique and we got on track . Two sessions after we achieved a comfort zone , students number two and three arrived on the scene . They walked in the LVA room with Ying , said " Hi " and sat down . Ying said , " You teach , okay ? " Well , I had no idea if it was okay or not , but they were sitting there smiling , waiting for me to say something . I turned to the new arrivals and said , " My name is Judy . " I got a smile and a nod from each . I tried again , " You are ? " Nothing . " Your name is ? " Nothing - no waiting for glazed eyes with these two . Oh , my , I thought as my eyes glazed over , too . Fortunately , Ying noticed my dilemma and jumped in for the introductions . Lan knew a few waitress - related words , but Lin 's English vocabulary started and ended with " Hi . " I 'd been through many , many hours of training , but I was not really prepared for such low - level students . Ying was a level two ; these were zeroes . I picked up my bag , thanking the language Gods I 'd brought it that day , grabbed a few props to demonstrate actions and got to work . " Put the spoon in the cup . Put the cup on the table . " I was immediately hooked . I simply LOVED working with lower - level students … and there was no shortage of them in Middletown 's Chinese restaurants . They just kept coming and coming . It got so I couldn 't buy Chinese food in Middletown ; someone in every place that sold Chinese seemed to know who I was and wouldn 't take my money . I only took advantage once in a while . " You come eat Mother 's Day . " The best side - effect of my tutoring years was learning about cultural influences . My attention to culture was inspired both by my training , which emphasized not offending - as if we were a bunch of American chauvinists , and my up - close , personal observations of my students . The first few years , I was bathed primarily in Eastern Patterns of Culture because I worked almost exclusively with Chinese students . Afterwards , my horizons expanded to include other Eastern , Middle Eastern , and South American countries . My exposures were very revealing and in many ways confirmed my sociological beliefs and subsequent political evolution . BUT . . . AT WHAT COST : A Skeptics Memoir , available in paperback format from amazon . com and other online book sellers . This chapter foreshadows her transition from liberal to conservative . I am proud to have coached Judy and to have edited the book . I 've got nothing against getting rich , and quicker is better . I 've decided to tell you how to double your cash in a day and to offer to sell you my special course on quadrupling your cash that same day . First , though , I must offer the usual disclaimers : past performance is no guarantee of future results , and you should consult your own financial advisor if you are not sure you understand the method , its potential , and its risks . The method need not take a whole day , but I 'll assume it will take you that long to reach and return from a place that offers high - stakes roulette , like Atlantic City or Las Vegas . When you get there , spend about half an hour watching the roulette wheel . If black numbers come up surprisingly often , much more than half the time , then eventually you are going to bet on black , as in the expression " being in the black . " Conversely , if the machine shows some strong preference for the red numbers , go with the red . Do not accept the fallacy of " the maturity of the odds , " which would indicate that seeing lots of reds mean a black is overdue . No , unless the wheel is askew , black and red should each be the result about half the spins , except for those pesky green values 0 and 00 . You are about ready to take the opportunity to double your money . Put it all on black or all on red , preferably when some other big bettor is taking the other color , so the house has no incentive to cheat , if it could . Approximately half the time , you will win ( except for 0 and 00 results ) . Stop right there , collect your money , and you will have doubled it . Walk out and do not return . If you should happen to have invested in the wrong color and lost , you can treat this as a valuable lesson , perhaps deductible as a business educational expense . Normally , this kind of appeal would have testimonials from successful practitioners of my method . Since I have just announced it , however , there has not been time for the successes to mount up and happy users to write glowing reports . If there were to be some who did not find success with my method and if they were churlish enough to write unpleasant comments , I would try to be man enough to include them , also . We rarely do see such negative reports printed , however . As I entered the nurse 's office , a classmate of mine was hurling herself from one end of the office to the other . Her name was " Ella . " The nurse asked me if I knew what kind of seizure Ella was having and what medication she was on . I looked at the nurse as if we both were crazy . How in God 's name would I know that ? As I write this down , I feel as though Ann and my father were both crazy . I think about that Christmas Day when she pushed me down the cellar stairs , Ann could have killed me . Maybe she was trying to . My father was drunk one night in his bedroom with a shotgun . He fired one shot through the wall , at which point Ann grabbed me , threw me in the room with my father , and shut the door . I have no idea what I said or did , but I got out alive . Another night , this same crazy Ann came into my room and grabbed me by my hair and pulled me out of bed and told me to look out my window . My father was walking down the street . She screamed at me , " See that : I would not give him a piece of a - Many , many nights , I would lie awake , thinking that if I went out the window and ran away , where could I go ? Where could I go where no one would bring me back to this hell ? I have never known why Ann hated me so . I was just a little girl . My grandfather adored me . He called me his " little monkey " for many years . As soon as Ann heard him call me that , she told me - from that first day on - that he called me this because I was ugly . When it came time for obtaining school clothes to begin the new year , my father would tell my grandfather he needed money for my clothes . They never bought me the clothes with that money . One of Ann 's sisters had married a man with a daughter who was my age . I would get her hand - me - down clothes , not new ones . What they did with my grandfather 's money is not known to me . On many occasions Ann would not give me lunch money , and I would not be able to eat lunch on those days . On one occasion that I remember , I needed a notebook for class , for which Ann would not give me the money . I went to my Aunt Jennie 's daughter Anna to ask her to lend me the money so I could get the notebook at the school store . The next time I did get lunch money , I paid Anna back . I do not know if my father knew that I was not given lunch money . I would not tell him , because I knew I would end up getting a beating by Ann . Getting no lunch was better than enduring one of her beatings . One Saturday , I had just finished my cleaning , so I was allowed to walk to Bernadine 's house . I no sooner got there than my father called to tell me to " get my ass home right away . " I remember being very scared , trying to figure out what I could have done wrong . When I got home , my father was behind the door where Ann usually stood . He grabbed me , slapped my face , and told me to go to the living room . Once I did , he told me to look behind the chair . There was a big pile of poop , which I was told to clean up . I got some rags to pick it up , but it was fake ! I still don 't understand to this day what was on their minds , as no animals were ever mine in that house . I don 't understand why I was not allowed to go back to Bernadine 's house that day , either . I was always made to play sports with Norman , Ann 's son , my step - brother . When we played baseball , he wanted to be the pitcher , I had to be the catcher . When he wanted to play basketball , I had to play also . In fact , I had to play basketball almost every night , after I cleaned up from supper . At school they had a New York State basketball contest for foul - shooting ability . I won by making all 25 of my 25 attempts . I was given a nice trophy , which made Norman 's mother very mad . I never saw that trophy again ! One was a boy who lived right next to school and would go home for lunch . I would have my lunch and then walk back to school with him . We were friends , and that was all . We had great conversations , but never even held hands . We were just friends . My father told him to keep away from me . The incident with the second boy occurred when I was going into my senior year in high school . Every day , everybody would stand around talking . I noticed a nice - looking guy , and I guess he noticed me . After he graduated , he sent me a letter in which he said he would like to take me to a movie . My father called him and his parents and told them never to contact me again . Odd . I don 't think I can add much perspective on this topic . With few exceptions , grandparents are the beneficiaries of having the best job on earth . We can love the kids , look after the kids , spoil the kids , and then hand them back . For the most part , we are not constrained by fear and / or guilt , and / or outsider judgments . The parents will be blamed for everything , no matter what . As far as I know , this has always been true , and it changes one 's perspective … and perhaps one 's child - rearing choices . My kids and their spouses are terrific parents , but they 've had to think about it a hell of a lot more than I ever did . Sure , I was judged as a parent , but there weren 't so many insane rules then . My kids ' generation has been nit - picked nearly to death by experts - so they tend to be much more nervous about their child - rearing duties than I ever had to be . As I said before , the kids are fine ; it 's the moms who have suffered the most from the interference . Anyway , grandparents are relieved from all that pressure ; we are free to enjoy ! Randy and Sue had Zach in ' 92 , Sam in ' 94 , and Molly in ' 96 . Beth and Andrew had Evan in ' 96 and Trent in ' 01 . As Sue 's doctor said to Randy in the delivery room after Zach was born , " You can bring in that grandmother floating around the waiting room , now . " Floating , indeed . I don 't know if there 's a happiness comparable to that happiness . The pure joy is exquisite , and was present for each addition to the family . God 's plan or Mother Nature 's plan ( whichever one chooses to believe ) is a darned good one . It 's no wonder the grandmothers of the world start nagging about having children as soon as they dare . It feels so good to have little ones around again . The only minor run - in I had with the new rules was when I was babysitting for Zach . I dislocated his elbow when I was helping him get on my lap . I was horrified and called Sue at the hospital where she was working . By the time she got home , Zach was sleeping ( somewhat uncomfortably , I presume ) , but his pediatrician said to wait until morning to bring him in . I stayed over - night so I could watch Sam while she took Zach to the doctor . Needless to say , I felt so bad , l couldn 't sleep . I found out later that someone at work had asked if the kids were safe with me … if I might have hurt Zach on purpose . This was at the height of all the " abuse " scandals . Everyone was subject to scrutiny . Now , I 'm all for children being protected from abuse , but in days gone by , that question NEVER would have been asked without cause . It seems everyone 's first impulse when a kid gets hurt these days is to blame somebody else - like the caretaker . I was to blame in this case , but in this new world culture that calls spanking " abuse " , I could have been arrested . Later , Randy experienced much the same reaction from the professionals when he called an ambulance for Sam . Sam had hit his head on a bed frame while fighting or horsing around with his brother , and was bleeding profusely . Rand couldn 't stop the bleeding and Sam wasn 't answering his questions , so he called 911 . By the time help arrived , they weren 't needed , but once the process is started , it must continue . Randy was interrogated like a criminal … or at least that 's how he felt for a while . Dozens , if not hundreds , of innocent people have been prosecuted and convicted of child abuse by the overzealous or the vengeful . Thousands , if not millions have been falsely accused . That 's how it is now . As I said , children should be protected , but … at what cost to normal loving parents ? It 's rather like trying to raise your kids with the sword of Damocles hanging over your head . I have nothing but sympathy for today 's parents . It 's a much more judgmental world in that area . This grandma , however , had it great ! I was lucky enough to be needed on occasion … and lucky enough to be left to my own devices and rules of discipline . I was free to be me . I think this was good for the kids , too . One of the illusions created by the advice - givers is the belief that if kids are treated the same , the results will be the same . First , it would be awfully boring if everyone turned out the same , but second , it just won 't happen . They created a one - size - fits - all dynamic for raising children that everyone should follow … present a united front and all that . I don 't know that any expert actually said that , but the sum total of receiving all that advice made us ( or many of us ) infer that message … that there is one right way and a bunch of wrong ways of disciplining kids - all kids , regardless of their different temperaments , talents and tendencies . What nonsense ! I think having grandparents in kids ' lives serves a great purpose - one that parents alone can 't provide . With us they are exposed to different ideas , different expectations , different rules , and different personalities . Vive la difference ! Is there a better way to learn about people and the personal AND generational differences between them ? Exposures = learning . I and all my old friends have noticed some pretty significant differences between the behaviors of our kids with us and the behaviors of our grandkids with their parents . Our kids never ( okay , hardly ever ) talked back to us or their teachers . Not so with the grandkids ; they sometimes argue with their parents as if they were peers . For better or worse , those rules changed . A lot of the rules for acceptable behaviors changed when parents and teachers followed the advice of the self - esteem " experts . " Thankfully , by the time Rand 's kids arrived , I had discounted their mandates and responded naturally to the kids . When I was angry , they knew it . They follow my rules when they are with me . They don 't talk - back to me ( yet ) , and I 'm darned sure they all know I love them more than life and that they can always depend on me . Because Beth and Andrew live so far away , I 've not had as many opportunities to show Evan and Trent how much I love them … or to have that love influence them the way I would have liked . Their absence leaves a big hole in my heart , and I think , a little hole in their development , too . They are great kids , though - with me or without me . Different circumstances demand different life choices , but fortunately there 's more than one good way to skin a cat - and raise kids . As you might imagine , one of my favorite pastimes is learning about each kid as an individual . They are oh - so - different in personality tendencies , talents , and needs - in most things , really . Zach , now 21 , is a " big picture " person . He 's always been a critical thinker and a dot - connector , and quite temperamental and sensitive . He , more than the others so far , has sought my opinion and discussed " things that matter . " He 's a natural leader and a persuasive talker , and I absolutely adore having solo time with him . He always has been good at relating to adults … even when he was three and talking me into another cookie . I had him pegged to become a lawyer , but now , it seems he 's leaning toward being a golf course superintendent . His degree in sociology and his minor in criminal justice will be wasted , but his long - time summer job at a local golf course holds more appeal . He probably learned a lot more useful information there than in college . Anyway , that 's his take on it and I agree . Sam ( 19 ) is a math whiz and a star athlete … and very patient . He has a heart condition which neither he nor his parents have allowed to define him . Though he 's supplied me many pride - filled moments on the soccer field , I think I am most proud of his " roll with the punches " attitude . If a door closes , Sam opens a new one . We mostly talk sports , but he allows me to ask about his extremely busy social life and girlfriend situations - fun , fun , fun . There was a time I thought Sam might be a Lothario by profession - very popular with the ladies - but he 's studying to be an actuary . Guess he can be both . Molly ( 17 ) reminds me of me when I was seventeen . She does it all . She has jobs as a restaurant hostess and a soccer referee , volunteers , participates in every club she can , and still makes time to bake cookies and trim the Christmas tree with Grandma . There the resemblance ends . She was homecoming queen and is in Math Club and intends to be a dentist - much more ambitious , more popular and prettier than I ever was . What a delightful , hard working girl ! Evan ( 17 ) is my " viva la difference " kid . A visual learner and anxiety - ridden , Evan has had a heavy cross to bear , which makes me admire her more than any of the other kids . She 's also caused me more distress , but that comes with the territory . Evan is brilliant and a gifted artist , but nothing is easy for her - many " normal " acts require large amounts of courage for her to complete . . . and that contributes to making her perceptions a little quirky and her approach to life quite different from the average kid . Sometimes appreciating those differences is difficult , but man , if you can , she will broaden your horizons . She has flashes of insight that go far beyond what her years and general knowledge should allow . Her brain just connects dots and BAM - she " gets it . " Love that and love her ! You will find the right niche for you , Evan ! Trent ( 12 ) is the musician of the crew . Others have dabbled , but I think ( and hope ) he is the one who will stick with it . From the time he was four or five and we were singing kiddie songs together , I marveled at his impeccable timing . After trying out violin and guitar , he seems to have settled on drums - good choice , I think . I 'm hoping he will sing too , but who knows ? Trent is Mr . Charming , a very socially adept guy , who talks to everybody including strangers on the street if they interest him . ( Don 't worry , he won 't go anywhere with them . ) So far , Trent is a jack - of - all - trades , master of none , so I don 't have a clue what he 'll end up doing . Too soon to tell - but he 'll be good at it , whatever it is . Readers outside the family probably aren 't much interested in my grandkids , their accomplishments , or my take on them , but there is a larger message . As Judith Harris pointed out years ago in The Nurture Assumption ( I 'm paraphrasing , but she cited much research that proves ) : kids are born different , and while parents can make their kids ' lives happier or sadder , they will not influence their outcomes as much as genes and peers ( culture ) will . The differences in my own kids formed my thesis ; my grandkids prove it . I was lucky ; I have five smart , hard - working , sensible , productive , and beautiful grandchildren . Their genes have dealt each a different winning hand that with the proper influences , serves each well . As a grandmother , I must accept that I won 't and shouldn 't matter very much in the long run . I 'm just here to enjoy them , make them happy when I can … and , I hope , provide a little food for thought when I can , too . I remembered recently that my real mother , Elaine , did come to see me right after we had moved into the house in Cornwall . That visit was when I was approximately 7 years old . Given that her parents , my maternal grandparents , lived on the other side of the Lake from my paternal grandparents , the Seamans , a distance of a few miles at most , I assume she visited them many times thereafter , although she did not come to see me . Nor did my maternal grandparents participate at all in my growing up . My mother 's sister lived nearby , as well , and she was the mother of Ella , mentioned below . I know Ann was the only parent at home when my mother came to visit at that time . Surprisingly , Ann allowed my mother to take a walk with me around the block ! When my mother asked me how I was , I told her candidly . When we returned to our house , my mother and Ann talked in the kitchen . My mother must have told Ann what I had told her . After my mother left , I got a very severe beating from Ann and another one from my father when he got home ! When I think now about that day , I ask myself why Ann let my mother and I take that walk . Was Ann hoping that I would be kidnapped again ? How I wish I had been ! Shortly after this , Grandma got very sick and was put in the hospital . I was already being slapped by Ann , dragged around by my hair , pushed down the cellar stairs , and even whipped by my father 's belt . I had to lie facedown across the bed and Ann would stand in the doorway , telling my father he wasn 't hitting me hard enough , so he would hit me harder . My father was drinking a lot , which was his " legacy " to us for his entire life . When you ask a drinker to tell you why and what and how , he will tell you he doesn 't remember . On April 9 , 1952 , my grandmother died . Her spirit came to me and woke me up . She was standing next to my left side with a beautiful glow around her . She told me I would not be able to see and talk to her as we had done before , but she would always be with me , and I would be OK ! I started crying , asking her to take me with her and stating that I was not OK . She told me that she loved me , and then she floated up through the ceiling into this beautiful light . When my grandmother was laid out for viewing in the big house after she died , no one wanted to take me to view her . My Aunt Jennie finally did take me . Grandma was in the purple dress that I had picked out for her for her birthday the year before . Strangely , she had lipstick on , and she had never worn lipstick while she was alive . I started screaming that it was not my grandmother . For just a few seconds , I had a ray of hope that they had made a big mistake , and that this really was not my grandmother . I was only eight years old . The slapping by my stepmother Ann soon became punches to my head and stomach . I was not allowed to play at lunchtime with the rest of the school kids . There was a line of trees around the playground . One day I took the chance of getting off the bench I was supposed to sit on , and I started playing kickball . The next thing I remember was Ann 's grabbing me , punching my face all the way back to the bench , sitting me down and telling me I would get more of a beating when I got home . The school nurse came out and took me to her office . She cleaned me up , as my nose and mouth were bleeding . Some people came and took me to my Aunt Jennie 's house , which was only two houses down from the school . They asked me lots of questions about what happens at home . I thought that if I told them they would let me stay with Aunt Jennie . Somewhere in this daily life of pain and fear , their daughter , Marlene , was born to my stepmother and my father . It then became my job to take care of her when I got home from school and on weekends . I would walk her in her carriage every day , weather permitting , around the nearby hospital . Every minute I was with her at least I was away from Ann . As my half - sister Marlene grew up , she remembered many good times when I was with her . She would remember things that I did for her and stories I would tell her . She still thinks I 'm this wonderful sister who brought her up . Everything I did was not because I was a great sister . I was just trying to survive her mother , my awful stepmother . I had a stuffed panda bear that I loved and slept with nightly . Ann would take it every night and throw it down the cellar . After they went to sleep , I would sneak down to the cellar and get my bear . To this day I am still afraid of cellars . Every day I woke up scared , and I went to bed scared . I never remember Ann 's hitting my half - sister , but I do remember my father 's hitting my half - sister once . I will explain that later . My stepmother and her sister would go shopping every day , no matter what the weather was . In the summer , no matter how hot , I was responsible to take care of my half - sister in the car . One summer day I had changed her diapers so many times that there were no clean ones left . When Ann came back , she took the diaper off my sister , and I held the girl on my lap , at which point she pooped all over me . This remained all over me for hours as Ann laughed and laughed . To this day I hate shopping . Beth and Andrew were already settled in Atlanta , and Randy and Sue had been married for two months , when my mother died . Unfortunately , my completely empty nest , combined with the natural let - down after the wedding bustle , turned me into a workaholic . Amy , my new business partner ( Alice had moved to Vermont ) , and I took on every job offered … leaving me little time for my parents . Mom had been too ill to make it to Rand 's wedding reception , but somehow I didn 't recognize how close the end was until she called and asked if I had forgotten about her . I had . I had gone two weeks without calling or having them out for dinner . Unheard of . And of all the dumb times to check out ! That was the only time she ever laid a " guilt trip " on me … but boy , am I glad she did . She was dying . Through sheer determination , Mom had lived five years longer than her surgeon had predicted after her third mitral valve replacement in 1981 . The last three years ( until February , 1991 ) , however , were Hell for her . I am crying as I think of her struggle and try to write this , twenty - some years after the fact . Grief never goes away - especially for atheists who can 't see the Heavenly light at the end of the proverbial tunnel . That place doesn 't exist for me , so I am left with only the images of her heroic struggles . Alice spoke at Mom 's funeral and recounted some of them . Her favorite memory and mine was of my mother 's standing or often sitting in her hillside garden , raking with her long - handled miniature rake . That image tells it all . She never saw herself as helpless ; she always found a way to accomplish her goal … despite the fact she could barely breathe and , due to her stroke , had only one hand that could grasp . On Valentine 's Day , only days before she would enter the hospital for the last time , she cooked dinner for us . Dad must have helped ( you can 't peel potatoes with one hand ) , but she made a full meal and entertained us with joy in her heart . She knew ; I know she knew - and was doing her best to banish any guilty thoughts we might bear . That was Mom ; she really understood human frailties and forgave them . I was with her when she died after being comatose for two days . I talked to her almost the whole time because the nurses said she could still hear and that I should try to convince her that it was okay to let go . The woman visiting the patient in the next bed had to leave the room because she was crying as much as I was as she listened to my eulogy to my dying mother . I said everything I needed to say , and I hoped I said everything Mom wanted to hear . There was closure , but I still cry . I still cry for Gram , too . She 's been dead for thirty - one years , but I laugh and cry at memories of her . I am so very grateful for having had both of them as mothers , and for having the chance to have had closure with each of these two strong , wonderful women . I wasn 't with Gram when she died ; I had been with her over - night , but had gone home to change my clothes . When I returned , she was dead . At least I had talked to her and held her hand the whole day and night before . Mom and Dad were with her when she died . " Closure , " I guess , is my term for alleviating regrets . I think there 's always guilt ; you can always remember something you wish you had done differently or something you wish you hadn 't said or done , but most of those " if only I had " regrets will disappear if you have the chance to be there at the end . At least , that 's how it was for me anyway . It was a comfort for me to be there . Beth made it back North in time to say her good - byes , too . As I get older and am more prone to facing my own mortality , I realize " closure " may not be as important as I thought . That is , it 's important to the survivors , but perhaps for the wrong reasons . Assuaging one 's guilt ( or heading it off at the pass ) really isn 't a very noble reason to do anything . Wanting to be there for your loved one is a better reason . But , not to worry - old , dying people " get it . " Sometimes , for some people , some things are just too hard to do . And that 's okay . Mom 's death brought a whirlwind of activity for me . I 've seen this happen time and time again . It seems a loss compels some of us toward physical labor . Endorphins , I guess . All I know is : I accomplished more in the year after Mom died than I had accomplished in any other three years combined . I built stone walls , laid a stone path , installed a water garden , and planted a huge flower garden . I was up and out every morning at the crack of dawn hauling rocks and moving dirt … weather permitting , of course . Amy was the one who got me hooked on gardening . She was ( and is ) great at garden , floral , and interior design . Ours was a great partnership . Though Amy and Alice have little in common , Amy and I found a very good business dynamic and friendship . Lucky me . The tale I 'm about to tell may be plunked in the middle of the wrong chapter , but while I 'm on Amy , I 've got to tell it . ( I think I need a break from " Sorrows . " ) This is funny only in retrospect , but try to picture it : I got an emergency call from my mother . " You 've got to come in . Romeo ( the neighbors ' dog ) and Nipper ( Dad 's huge mongrel ) beat up Griz ( Mom 's small Cock - a - poo ) , and Dad is having chest pains . " I called Amy , my go - to person , and we sped to the rescue . Dad 's angina had disappeared once he took his pill , so nothing was critical when we arrived . However , the scene was one we will never forget . Mom , Dad , and Griz were all lined up on the couch , covered with mud and blood . " We 're okay ; we 're okay , " Mom and Dad said in unison . To which I replied , " What the hell happened ? " " You tried to separate them ? " Mom weighed 85 pounds and had the strength of a five - year - old . " Are you crazy ? " " Dad started having chest pains , so I had to help . Then I fell down in the middle of the dog fight and Dad had to help me , and , well , that 's what happened . " I can picture it as if I 'd been there : three snapping , growling dogs and my parents , ineffectually rolling around on the ground in the mud with fur and blood flying . Can 't you see it ? It turned out most of the blood that was on them belonged to Griz , but Mom 's arms were still bleeding from minor bites and scratches ( she was on blood thinners , so it took awhile for clots to form ) . Dad had a few nips and scratches too , but nothing serious . Poor Griz needed a vet ; his ear was half gone . Amy took Griz , and I stayed behind to clean up my parents . Amy and I were laughing and shaking our heads all the way home . All 's well that ends well . I needed that literary break , but now back to Dad 's struggles with grief and loneliness . If weather didn 't permit my gardening pursuits , I wrote essays or went to see Dad . He was struggling , big time . I notice the word " struggle " has appeared , yet again . Ordinarily , I 'd be checking the thesaurus for a synonym , but not this time . Life is often a struggle - and there is no better word to describe it . His anxieties about being alone forced him back to the bottle again . Grief was but a part of the cause . I think there is usually a profound sense of relief when a long - sick person dies . I know I felt it . It was as if a yoke was lifted from my shoulders . We had spent years fearing the inevitable . At the worst times , it was a very heavy yoke ; sometimes only a faint dark shadow , but it was damned near always lurking . When the worst has happened , it 's gone , and recognizing the relief for what it is can overcome you with guilt . Yes , life is hard . Dad had an additional cross to bear , well , three added crosses actually . In a matter of days , he went from being a full - time caregiver to a man with no purpose . One of my favorite memories of Mom 's and Dad 's relationship was the vision of his checking her before they left the house . " Okay , Oma , let 's have a look at you , " he 'd say . She 'd turn around with a grateful smile , and he 'd grab her pants by the waist band , lift her up , and shake her into them . ( She could never get the left side up all the way . ) They 'd laugh and out the door they 'd go . From that kind of attentiveness to nothing is not an easy transition . We also lost Nana , Dad 's mother , the same week we lost Mom . I don 't even remember who died first ; that 's how overwhelming that week was for us - but especially Dad . Aunt Bernice was going through the same " what do I do , now " transitions Dad was experiencing . There weren 't enough tears to go around to all those who needed tears shed for them . Dad also , I would later learn , had a very real fear of being alone . He alluded to his fear the night of Mom 's funeral , " I can 't be alone , Judy . I need to find another woman right away . " He was drunk and crying and I didn 't think too much of it at the time . Only years later when I myself was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder did I truly understand what he was feeling . Evelyn moved in with him inside of six months . Randy , who was very close with his Oma , was more than a little annoyed , but got over it when he saw Pop was happy . I did too . Evelyn was a good ol ' gal and they were googly - eyed in love . It 's never too late ! I have another story about my dad . As I remember Mom on the hill with her child 's rake , I often think of Dad as he bandaged Mom 's Uncle Harold 's leg ulcers . I never saw that in person , but the scene is easy to imagine . My father had no real connection with Harold , but when he found out through the family grapevine that Harold needed help , he took it upon himself to step in . This was after Mom had died and Evelyn was living with him , yet he went to dress Harold 's wounds every day for weeks . I don 't know many people who would have done that , but that was Pop ; he cared . He could embarrass the hell out of you when he partied hearty , but he was one of the more caring people you could ever meet . We want our heroes to be pure heroes and our villains to be pure villains , but that is seldom , if ever , the case in real life . Sometimes we forget that . Douglas Winslow Cooper , Ph . D . , is a freelance writer and retired environmental physicist , author of " Ting and I : A Memoir of Love , Courage and Devotion , " published in September 2011 by Outskirts Press ( Parker , CO ) , available on amazon . com . Co - author of " The Shield of Gold " and " Kidnapped Twice , " editor of " High Shoes and Bloomers " and of " But . . . at What Cost , " also available through Outskirts Press and Amazon . His email address is douglas @ tingandi . com . See also his http : / / writeyourbookwithme . com and http : / / managenursingcareathome . com . |
In talking to the people I often heard the name of Biddy Early , and I began to gather many stories of her , some calling her a healer and some a witch . Some said she had died a long time ago , and some that she was still living . I was sure after a while that she was dead , but was told that her house was still standing , and was on the other side of Slieve Echtge , between Feakie and Tulla . So one day I set out and drove Shamrock , my pony , to a shooting lodge built by my grandfather in a fold of the mountains , and where I had sometimes , when a young girl , stayed with my brothers when they were shooting the wild deer that came and sheltered in the woods . It had like other places on our estate a border name brought over from Northumberland , but though we called it Chevy Chase the people spoke of its woods and outskirts as Daire - caol , the Narrow Oak Wood , and Daroda , the Two Roads , and Druim - da - Rod , their Ridge . I stayed tile night in the low thatched house , setting out next day for Feakle " eight strong miles over the mountain . " It was a wild road , and the pony had to splash his way through two unbridged rivers , swollen with the summer rains . The red mud of the road , the purple heather and foxglove , the brown bogs were a contrast to the grey rocks and walls of Burren and Aidline , and there were many low hills , brown when near , misty blue in the distance ; then the Golden Mountain , Slieve nan - Or , " where the last great battle will be fought before the end of the world . " Then I was out of Connacht into Clare , the brown turning to green pasture as I drove by Raftery 's Lough Greine . I put up my pony at a little inn . There were portraits of John Dillon and Michael Davitt hanging in the parlour , and the landlady told me Parnell 's likeness had been with them , until the priest had told her he didn 't think well of her hanging it there . There was also on the wall , in a frame , a warrant for the arrest of one of her sons , signed by , I think , Lord Cowper , in the days of the Land War . " He got half a year in gaol the same year Parnell did . He got sick there , and though he lived for some years the doctor said when he died the illness he got in gaol had to do with his death . " I had been told how to find Biddy Early 's house " beyond the little hum py bridge , " and I walked on till I came to it , a poor cottage enough , high up on a mass of rock by the roadside . There was only a little girl in the house , but her mother came in afterwards and told me that Biddy Early had died about twenty years before , and that after they had come to live in the house they had been " annoyed for a while " by people coming to look for her . She had sent them away , telling them Biddy Early was dead , though a friendly priest had said to her , " Why didn 't you let on you were her and make something out of them ? " She told me some of the stories I give below , and showed me the shed where the healer had consulted with her invisible friends . I had already been given by an old patient of hers a " bottle " prepared for the cure , but which she had been afraid to use . It lies still unopened on a shelf in my storeroom . When I got back at nzght fall to the lodge in the woods I found many of the neighbours gathered there , wanting to hear news of " the Tulla Woman " and to know for certain if she was dead . I think as time goes on her fame will grow and some of the myths that always hang in the air will gather round her , for I think the first thing I was told of her was , " There used surely to be enchanters in the old time , magicians and freemasons . Old Biddy Early 's power came from the same thing . " [ 11 ] There was a man went to Biddy Early , and she told him that the woman he 'd marry would have had her husband killed by his brother . And so it happened , for the woman he married was sitting by the fire with her husband , and the brother came in , having a drop of drink taken , and threw a pint pot at him that hit him on the head and killed him . It was the man that married her that told me this . Did I know any one that was taken by them ? Well , I never knew one that was brought back again . Himself went one time to Biddy Early for his uncle , Donohue , that was sick , and he found her there and her fingers all covered with big gold rings , and she gave him a bottle , and she said : " Go in no house on your way home , or stop nowhere , or you 'll lose it . " But going home he had a thirst on him and he came to a public - house , and he wouldn 't go in , but he stopped and bid the boy bring him out a drink . But a little farther on the road the horse got a fall , and the bottle was broke . It 's I was with this woman here to Biddy Early . And when she saw me , she knew it was for my husband I came , and she looked in her bottle and she said , " It 's nothing put upon him by my people that 's wrong with him . " And she bid me give him cold oranges and some other things - herbs . He got better after . Did I ever hear of Biddy Early ? There 's not a man in this countryside over forty year old that hasn 't been with her some time or other . There 's a man living in that house over there was sick on time , and he went to her , and she cured him , but says she , " You 'll have to lose something , and don 't fret after it . " So he had a grey mare and she was going to foal , and one morning when he went out he saw that the foal was born , and was lying dead by the side of the wall . So he remembered what she said to him and he didn 't fret . There was one Dillane in Kinvara , Sir William knew him well , and he went to her one time for a cure . And Father Andrew came to the house and was mad with him for going , and says he , " You take the cure out of the hands of God . " And Mrs . Dillane said , " Your Reverence , none of us can do that . " " Well , " says Father Andrew , " then I 'll see what the devil can do and I 'll send my horse tomorrow , that has a sore in his leg this long time , and try will she be able to cure him . " She had four or five husbands , and they all died of drink one after another . Maybe twenty or thirty people would be there in the day looking for cures , and every one of them would bring a bottle of whiskey . Wild cards they all were , or they wouldn 't have married her . She 'd help too to bring the butter back . Always on the first of May , it used to be taken , and maybe what would be taken from one man would be conveyed to another . Biddy Early ? Not far from this she lived , above at Feakle . I got cured by her myself one time . Look at this thumb - I got it hurted one time , and I went out into the field after and was ploughing all the day , I was that greedy for work . And when I went in I had to lie on the bed with the pain of it , and it swelled and the arm with it , to the size of a horse 's thigh . I stopped two or three days in the bed with the pain of it , and then my wife went to see Biddy Early and told her about it , and she came home and the next day it burst , and you never seen anything like all the stuff that came away from it . A good bit after I went to her myself , where it wasn 't quite healed , and she said , " You 'd have lost it altogether if your wife hadn 't been so quick to come . " She brought me into a small room , and said holy words and sprinkled holy water and told me to believe . The priests were against her , but they were wrong . How could that be evil doing that was all charity and kindness and healing ? She was a decent looking woman , no different from any other woman of the country . The boy she was married to at the time was lying drunk in the bed . There were side - cars and common cars and gentry and country people at the door , just like Gort market , and dinner for all that came , and everyone would bring her something , but she didn 't care what it was . Rich farmers would bring her the whole side of a pig . Myself , I brought a bottle of whiskey and a shilling 's worth of bread , and a quarter of sugar and a quarter pound of tea . She was very rich , for there wasn 't a farmer but would give her the grass of a couple of bullocks or a filly . She had the full of a field of fillies if they 'd all been gathered together . She left no children , and there 's no doubt at all that the reason of her being able to do cures was that she was away seven years . She didn 't tell me about it but she spoke of it to others . No , Mrs . Early is no relation to Biddy Early - the nuns asked her the same thing when she was married . A cousin of hers had her hand cut with a jug that was broke , and she went up to her and when she got there , Biddy Early said " It 's a thing you never should do , to beat a child that breaks a cup or a jug . " And sure enough it was a child that broke it , and she beat her for doing it . But cures she did sure enough . I was knocked up by him one night to go to the house , because he said they were calling to him . But when they got there , there was nothing to be found . But some see these things , and some can 't . It 's against our creed to believe in them . And the priests won 't let on that they believe in them themselves , but they are more in dread of going about at night than any of us . They were against Biddy Early too . There was a man I knew living near the sea , and he set out to go to her one time . And on his way he went into his brother - in - law 's house , and the priest came in there , and bid him not to go on . " Well , Father , " says he , " cure me yourself if you won 't let me go to her to be cured . " And when the priest wouldn 't do that ( for the priests can do many cures if they like to ) , he went on to her . And the minute he came in , " Well , " says she , " you made a great fight for me on the way . " For though it 's against our creed to believe it , she could hear any earthly thing that was said in every part , miles off . But she had two red eyes , and some used to say , " If she can cure so much , why can 't she cure her own eyes ? " No , she wasn 't away herself . It is said it was from a son of her own she got the knowledge , a little chap that was astray . And one day when he was lying sick in the bed he said : " There 's such and such a woman has a hen down in the pot , and if I had the soup of the hen , I think it would cure me . " So the mother went to the house , and when she got there , sure enough , there was a hen in the pot on the fire . But she was ashamed to tell what she came for , and she let on to have only come for a visit , and so she sat down . But presently in the heat of the talking she told what the little chap had said . " Well , " says the woman , " take the soup and welcome , and the hen too if it will do him any good . " So she brought them with her , and when the boy saw the soup , " It can t cure me , " says he , " for no earthly thing can do that . But since I see how kind and how willing you are , and did your best for me , I 'll leave you a way of living . " And so he did , and taught her all she knew . That 's what 's said at any rate . I was with Biddy Early myself one time , and got a cure from her for my little girl that was sick . A bottle of whiskey I brought her , and the first thing she did was to open it and to give me a glass out of it . " For , " says she , " you 'll maybe want it my poor man . " But I had plenty of courage in those days . The people do be full of stories of all the cures she did . Once after we came to live here a carload of people came , and asked was Biddy Early here , and my mother said she was dead . When she told the priest he said she had a right to shake a bottle and say she was her , and get something from them . It was by the bottle she did all , to shake it , and she 'd see everything when she looked in it . Sometimes she 'd give a bottle of some cure to people that came , but if she 'd say to them , " You 'll never bring it home , " break it they should on the way home , with all the care they 'd take of it . She had a big chest within in that room , and it full of pounds of tea and bottles of wine and of whiskey and of claret , and all things in the world . One time she called in a man that was passing and gave him a glass of whiskey , and then she said to him . , " The road you were going home by , don 't go by it . " So he asked why not , and she took the bottle - a long shaped bottle it was - and looked into it , holding it up , and then she bid him look through it , and he 'd see what would happen him . But her husband said , " Don 't show it to him , it might give him a fright he wouldn 't get over . " So she only said , " Well , go home by another road . " And so he did and got home safe , for in the bottle she had seen a party of men that wouldn 't have let him pass alive . She got the rites of the Church when she died , but first she had to break the bottle . I know you to be a respectable lady and an honourable one because I know your brothers , meeting them as I do at the fair of Scariff . No fair it would be if they weren 't there . I knew Biddy Early well , a nice fresh - looking woman she was . It 's to her the people used to be flocking , to the door and even to the window , and if they 'd come late in the day , they 'd have no chance of getting to her , they 'd have to take lodgings for the night in the town . She was a great woman . If any of the men that came into the house had a drop too much drink taken , she 'd turn them out if they said an unruly word . And if any of them were fighting or disputing or going to law , she 'd say , " Be at one , and ye can rule the world . " The priests were against her and used to be taking the cloaks and the baskets from the country people to keep them back from going to her . Tell me now is there anything wrong about you or your son that you went to that house ? I went there but once myself , when my little girl that was married was bad , after her second baby being born . I went to the house and told her about it , and she took the bottle and shook it and looked in it , and then she turned and said something to himself [ her husband ] that I didn 't hear - and she just waved her hand to me like that , and bid me go home , for she would take nothing from me . But himself came out and told that what she was after seeing in the bottle was my little girl , and the coffin standing beside her . So I went home , and sure enough on the tenth day after , she was dead . Biddy Early surely did thousands of cures . Out in the stable she used to go , where herfriends met her , and they told her all things . There was a little priest long ago used to do cures - Soggarthin Mina , they used to call him - and once he came in this house he looked up and said , " There - it 's full of them - there they are . " There was a man , one Flaherty , came to his brother - in - law 's house one day to borrow a horse . And the next day the horse was sent back , but he didn 't come himself . And after a few days more they went to ask for him , but he had never come back at all . So the brother - in - law went to Biddy Early 's and she and some others were drinking whiskey , and they were sorry that they were near at the bottom of the bottle And she said : " That 's no matter , there 's a man on his way now , there 'll soon be more . " And sure enough there was , for he brought a bottle with him . So when he came in , he told her about Flaherty having disappeared . And she described to him a corner of a garden at the back of a house and she said , " Go look and you 'll find him there , " and so they did , dead and buried . The priests were greatly against Biddy Early . And there 's no doubt it was from the faeries she got the knowledge . But who wouldn 't go to hell for a cure if one of his own was sick ? And the priests don 't like to be doing cures themselves . Father Flynn said to me ( rather incoherent in the high wind ) , if I do them , I let the devil into me . But there was Father Carey used to do them , but he went wrong , with the people bringing too much whiskey to pay him - and Father Mahony has him stopped now . I knew a man went to Biddy Early , and while she was in the other room he made the tongs red hot and laid them down , and when she came back she took them up and burned herself . And he said , if she had known anything she 'd have known not to touch it , that it was red hot . So he walked off and asked for no cure . Biddy Early was a witch , wherever she got it . There was a priest at Feakle spoke against her one time , and soon after he was passing near her house and she put something on the horse so that he made a bolt into the river and stopped there in the middle , and wouldn 't go back or forward . Some people from the neighbourhood went to her , and she told them all about the whole place , and that one time there was a great battle about the castle , and that there is a passage going from here to the forth beyond on Dromore Hill , and to another place that 's near Maher 's house . And she said that there is a cure for all sicknesses hidden between the two wheels of Ballylee mill . And how did she know that there was a mill here at all ? Witchcraft wherever she got it ; away she may have been in a trance . She had a son , and one time he went to the hurling beyond at some place in Tipperary , and none could stand against him ; he was like a deer . I went to Biddy Early one time myself , about my little boy that 's now in America that was lying sick in the house . But on the way to her I met a sergeant of police and he asked where was I going , and when I told him , he said , to joke with me , " Biddy Early 's dead . " " May the devil die with her , " says I . Well , when I got to the house , what do you think , if she didn 't know that , and what I said . And she was vexed and at the first , she would do nothing for me . I had a pound for her here in my bosom . But when I held it out she wouldn 't take it , but she turned the rings on her fingers , for she had a ring for every one , and she said , " A shilling for this one , sixpence for another one . " But all she told me was that the boy was nervous , and so he was , she was right in that , and that he 'd get well , and so he did . There was a man beyond in Cloon , was walking near the gate the same day and his little boy with him , and he turned his foot and hurt it , and she knew that . She told me she slept in Ballylee mill last night , and that there was a cure for all things in the world between the two wheels there . Surely she was away herself , and as to her son , she brought him back with her , and for eight or nine year he lay in the bed in the house . And he 'd never stir so long as she was in it , but no sooner was she gone away anywhere than he 'd be out down the village among the people , and then back again before she 'd get to the house . She had three husbands , I saw one of them when I was there , but I knew by the look of him he wouldn 't live long . One man I know went to her and she sent him on to a woman at Kilrush - one of her own sort , and they helped one another . She said to some woman I knew : " If you have a bowl broke or a plate throw it out of the door , and don 't make any attempt to mend it , it vexes them . " I never went to Biddy Early myself . I think there was a good deal of devilment in the things she did . The priests can do cures as well as she did , but they don 't like to do them , unless they 're curates that like to get the money . There was a man on this estate , and he sixty years , and he took to the bed , and his wife went to Biddy Early and she said , " It can 't be by them he 's taken , what use would it be to them , he being so old . " And Biddy Early is the one that should surely know . I went to her myself one time , to get a cure for myself when I fell coming down that hill up there , and got a hurt on my knee . And she gave me one and she told me all about the whole place , and that there was a bowl broken in the house , and so there was . The priests can do cures by the same power that she had , but those that have much stock don 't like to be doing them , for they 're sure to lose all . She didn 't like either for you to go too late . Dolan 's sister was sick a long time , and when the brother went at the last to Biddy Early she gave him a bottle with a cure . But on the way home the bottle was broke , and the car , and the horse got a fright and ran away . She said to him then , " Why did you go to cut down the bush of white thorn you see out of the window ? " And then she told him an old woman in the village had overlooked him - Murphy 's sister - and she gave him a bottle to sprinkle about her house . I suppose she didn 't like that bush being interfered with , she had too much charms . I went up to Biddy Early 's one time with another woman . A fine stout woman she was , sitting straight up on her chair . She looked at me and she told me that my son was worse than what I was , and for myself she bid me to take what I was taking before , and that 's dandelions . Five leaves she bid me pick and lay them out on the table with three pinches of salt on the three middle ones . As to my son , she gave me a bottle for him but he wouldn 't take it and he got better without . The priests were against her , but there was one of them passed near her house one day , and his horse fell forward . And he sent his boy to her and she said , " Tell him to spit on the horse and to say , " God bless it , ' " and he did and it rose again . He had looked at it proud - like without saying " God bless it " in his heart . It was about a little chap of my own I went , that some strange thing had been put upon . When I got to her house there were about fifty to be attended to before me , and when my turn came she looked in the bottle , a sort of a common greenish one that seemed to have nothing in it . And she told me where I came from , and the shape of the house and the appearance of it , and of the lake you see there , and everything round about . And she told me of a lime - kiln that was near , and then she said , " The harm that came to him came from the forth beyond that . " And I never knew of there being a forth there , but after I came home I went to Jook , and there sure enough it was . And she told me how it had come on him , and bid me remember a day that a certain gentleman stopped and spoke to me when I was out working in the hayfield , and the child with me playing about . And I remembered it well , it was old James Hill of Creen , that was riding past , and stopped and talked and was praising the child . And it was close by that forth beyond that lames Hill was born . And Biddy Early said , " While you 're talking to me now the child lies dying , " and that was at twelve o ' clock in the day . And she made up a bottle for me , herbs I believe it was made of , and she said , " Take care of it going home , and whatever may happen , don 't drop it " ; and she wrapped it in all the folds of my handkerchief . So when I was coming home and got near Tillyra I heard voices over the wall talking , and when I got to the Roxborough gate there were many people talking and coming to where we were . I could hear them and see them , and the man that was with me . But when I heard them I remembered what she said , and I took the bottle in my two hands and held it , and so I brought it home safely . And when I got home they told me the child was worse , and that at twelve o ' clock the day before he lay as they thought dying . And when I brought the bottle to him , he pulled the bed - clothes up over his head , and we had the work of the world to make him taste it . But from the time he took it , the pain in the knee left him and he began to get better , and Biddy Early had told me not to let many days pass without coming to her again , when she gave me the bottle . But seeing him so well , I thought it no use to go again , and it was not on May Day , but it was during the month of May he died . He took to the bed before that , and he 'd be always calling to me to come inside the bed where he was and if I went in , he 'd hardly let me go . But I got afraid , and I didn 't like to be too much with him . There was a Clare woman with me when I went there , and she told me there was a boy from a village near her was brought tied in a cart to Biddy Early , and she said , " If I cure you , will you be willing to marry me ? " And he said he would . So she cured him and married him . I saw him there at her house . It might be that she had the illness put upon him first . The priests don 't do cures by the same means , and they don 't like to do them at all . It was in my house that you see that Father Gregan did one on Mr . Phayre . And he cured a girl up in the mountains after , and where is he now but in a madhouse . They are afraid of the power they do them by , that it will be too strong for them . Some say the bishops don 't like them to do cures because the whiskey they drink to give them courage before they do them is very apt to make drunkards of them . It 's not out of the prayer - book they read , but out of the Roman ritual , and that 's a book you can read evil out of as well as good . There was a boy of the Saggartons in the house went to Biddy Early and she told him the house of his bachelor [ the girl he would marry ] and he did marry her after . And she cured him of a weakness he had and cured many , but it was seldom the bottle she 'd give could be brought home without being spilled . I wonder did she go to them when she died . She got the cure among them anyway . My mother got crippled in her bed one night - God save the hearers - and it was a long time before she could walk again with the pain in her back . And my father was always telling her to go to Biddy Early , and so at last she went . But she could do nothing for her , for she said , " What ails you has nothing to do with my business . " And she said , " You have lost three , and one was a grand little fair - haired one , and if you 'd like to see her again , I 'll show her to you . " And when she said that , my mother had no courage to look and to see the child she lost , but fainted then and there . And then she said , " There 's a field of corn beyond your house and a field with hay , and it 's not long since that the little fellow that wears a Llanberis cap fell asleep there on a cock of hay . And before the stooks of corn are in stacks he 'll be taken from you , but I 'll save him if I can . " And it was true enough what she said , my little brother that was wearing a Llanberis cap had gone to the field , and had fallen asleep on the hay a few days before . But no harm happened him , and he 's all the brother I have living now . Out in the stable she used to go to meet her people . It was my son was thatching Heniff 's house when he got the touch , and he came back with a pain in his back and in his shoulders , and took to the bed . And a few nights after that I was asleep , and the little girl came and woke me and said , " There 's none of us can sleep , with all the cars and carriages rattling round the house . " But though I woke and heard her say that , I fell into a sound sleep again and never woke till morning . And one night there came two taps at the window , one after another , and we all heard it and no one there . And at last I sent the eldest boy to Biddy Early and he found her in the house . She was then married to her fourth man . And she said he came a day too soon and would do nothing for him . And he had to walk away in the rain . And the next day he went back and she said , " Three days later and you 'd have been too late . " And she gave him two bottles , the one he was to bring to a boundary water and to fill it up , and that was to be rubbed to the back , and the other was to drink . And the minute he got them he began to get well , and he left the bed and could walk , but he was always delicate . When we rubbed his back we saw a black mark , like the bite of a dog , and as to his face , it was as white as a sheet . I have the bottle here yet , though it 's thirty year ago I got it . She bid the boy to bring whatever was left of it to a river , and to pour it away with the running water . But when he got well I did nothing with it , and said nothing about it - and here it is now for you to see . I never let on to Father Folan that I went to her , but one time the Bishop came , Maclnerny . I knew he was a rough man , and I went to him and made my confession , and I said , " Do what you like with me , but I 'd walk the world for my son when he was sick . " And all he said was , " It would have been no wonder if the two feet had been cut off from the messenger . " And he said no more and put nothing on me . Often I heard of Biddy Early , and I knew of a little girl was sick and the brother went to Biddy Early to ask would she get well . And she said , " They have a place ready for her , room for her they have . " So he knew she would die , and so she did . Mrs . Brennan , in the house beyond , went one time to Biddy Early , where the old man was losing his health . And all she told him was to bid him give over drinking so much whiskey . So after she said that , he used only to be drinking gin . There was a boy went to Biddy Ear ] y for his father , and she said , " It 's not any of my business that 's on him , but it 's good for yourself that you came to me . Weren 't you sowing potatoes in such a field one day and didn 't you find a bottle of whiskey , and bring it away and drink what was in it ? " And that was true and it must have been a bottle they brought out of some cellar and dropped there , for they can bring everything away , and put in its place what will look like it . There was a boy near Feakle got the touch in three places , and he got a great desire to go out night - walking , and he got sick . And they asked Biddy Early and she said , " Watch the hens when they come in to roost at night , and catch a hold of the last one that comes . " So the mother caught it , and then she thought she 'd like to see what would Biddy Early do with it . So she brought it up to her house and laid it on the floor , and it began to rustle its wings , and it lay over and died . It was from her brother Biddy Early got the cure . He was sick a long time , and there was a whitethorn tree out in the field , and he 'd go and lie under it for shade from the sun . Anf after he died , every day for a year she 'd cry her fill . And then he brought her under and gave her the cure . It was after that she was in service beyond Kinvara . She did her first cure on a boy , after the doctors gave him up . My wife is paralysed these thirty - six years , and the neighbours said she 'd get well if the child died , for she got it after her confinement , all in a minute . But the child died in a year and eleven months , and she got no better . And then they said she 'd get taken after twenty - one years , but that passed , and she 's just the same way . And she 's as good a Christian as any all the time . I went to Biddy Early one time about her . She was a very old woman , all shaky , and the crankiest woman I ever saw . And the husband was a fine young man , and he lying in the bed . It was a man from Kinvara half - paralysed I brought with me , and she would do nothing for him at first , and then the husband bid her do what she could . So she took the bottle and shook it and looked in it , and she said what was in him was none of her business . And I had work to get him a lodging that night in Feakle , for the priests had all the people warned against letting any one in that had been to her . She wouldn 't take the whiskey I brought , but the husband and myself , we opened it and drank it between us . She gave me a bottle for my wife , but when I got to the workhouse , where I had to put her in the hospital , they wouldn 't let me through the gate for they heard where I had been . So I had to hide the bottle for a night by a wall , on the grass , and I sent my brother 's wife to find it , and to bring it to her in the morning into the workhouse . But it did her no good , and Biddy Early told her after it was because I didn 't bring it straight to her , but had left it on the ground for the night . Biddy Early beat all women . No one could touch her . I knew a girl , a friend of my own , at Burren and she was sick a long while and the doctors could do nothing for her , and the priests read over her but they could do nothing . And at last the husband went to Biddy Early and she said , " I can 't cure her , and the woman that can cure her lives in the village with her . " So he went home and told this and the women of the village came into the house and said , " God bless her , " all except one , and nothing would make her come into the house . But they watched her , and one night when a lot of them were sitting round the fire smoking , she let a spit fall on the floor . So they gathered that up ( with respects to you ) , and brought it in to the sick woman and rubbed it to her , and she got well . It might have done as well if they brought a bit of her petticoat and burned it and rubbed the ashes on her . But there 's something strange about spits , and if you spit on a child or a beast it 's as good as if you 'd say , " God bless it . " I was with Biddy Early one time for my brother . She was out away in Ennis when we got to the house , and her husband that she called Tommy . And the kitchen was full of people waiting for her to come in . So then she came , and the day was rainy , and she was wet , and she went over to the fire , and began to take off her clothes , and to dry them , and then she said to her husband : " Tommy , get the bottle and give them all a drop . " So he got the bottle and gave a drink to everyone . But my brother was in behind the door , and he missed him and when he came back to the fire she said : " You have missed out the man that has the best heart of them all , and there he is behind the door . " And when my brother came out she said , " Give us a verse of a song , " and he said , " I 'm no songster , " but she said , " I know well that you are , and a good dancer as well . " She cured him and his wife after . " The first time you got the touch was the day you had brought a cart of turf from that bog at Ballinabucky to Scahanagh . And when you were in the road you got it , and you had to lie down on the creel of turf till you got to the public road . " And she told him that he had a pane of glass broke in his window and that was true enough . She must have been away walking with the faeries every night or how did she know that , or where the village of Scahanagh was ? Mrs . Kenny has been twice to Biddy Early . Once for her brother who was ill , and light - headed and sent to Galway . And Biddy Early shook the bottle twice , and she said , " It is none of my business , and it 's a heavy cold that settled in his head . " And she would not take the shilling . A red , red woman she was . I am a Clare woman , but the last fifty years I spent in Connacht . Near Feakle I lived , but I only saw Biddy Early once , the time she was brought to the committee and to the courthouse . She lived in a little house near Feakle that time , and her landlord was Dr . Murphy in Limerick , and he sent men to evict her and to pull the house down , and she held them in the door and said : " Whoever will be the first to put a bar to the house , he 'll remember it . " And then a man put his bar in between two stones , and if he did , he turned and got a fall some - way and he broke the thigh . After that Dr . Murphy brought her to the court , " Faeries and all , " he said , for he brought the bottle along with her . So she was put out , but Murphy had cause to remember it , for he was living in a house by himself , and one night it caught fire and was burned down , and all that was left of him was one foot that was found in a corner of the walls . She had four husbands , and the priests wouldn 't marry her to the last one , and it was by the teacher that she was married . She was a good - looking woman , but like another , the day I saw her . My husband went to her the time Johnny , my little boy , was dying . lie had a great pain in his temple , and she said : " He has enough in him to kill a hundred ; but if he lives till Monday , come and tell me . " But he was dead before that . And she said , " if you came to me before this , I 'd not have let you stop in that house you 're in . " But Johnny died ; and there was a blush over his face when he was going , and after that I couldn 't look at him , but those that saw him said that hewasn 't in it . I never saw him since , but often and often the father would go out thinking he might see him . But I know well he wouldn 't like to come back and to see me fretting for him . We left the house after that and came here . A travelling woman that came in to see me one time in that house said , " This is a fine airy house , " and she said that three times , and then she said , " But in that corner of it you 'll lose your son , " and so it happened , and I wish now that I had minded what she said . A man and his family went into that house after , and the first summer they were in it , he and his sons were putting up a stack of bay in the field with pitchforks , and the pitchfork in his hand turned some way into his stomach and he died . It is Biddy Early had the great name , but the priests were against her . There went a priest one time to stop her , and when he came near the door the horse fell that was in his car . Biddy Early came out then and bid him to give three spits on the horse , and he did that , and it rose up then and there . It was himself had put the evil eye on it . " It was yourself did it , you bodach , " she said to the priest . And he said , " You may do what you like from this out , and I will not meddle with you again . " I was myself digging potatoes out in that field beyond , and a woman passed by the road , but I heard her say nothing , but a pain came on my head and I fell down , and I had to go to my bed for three weeks . My mother went then to Biddy Early . Did you ever hear of her ? And she looked in the blue bottle she had , and she said my name . And she saw me standing before her , and knew all about me and said , " Your daughter was digging potatoes with her husband in the field , and a woman passed by and she said , ' It is as good herself is with a spade as the man , ' " for I was a young woman at the time . She gave my mother a bottle for me , and I took three drinks of it in the bed , and then I got up as well as I was before . Surely Biddy Early was away herself . That 's what I always heard . And I hear that at a hurling near Feakle the other day there was a small little man , and they say he was a friend of hers and has got her gift . MRS . SHERIDAN , as I call her , was wrinkled and half blind , and had gone barefoot through her lifetime . She was old , for she had once met Raftery , the Gaelic poet , at a dance , and he died before the famine of ' 47 . She must have been comely then , for he had said to her : " Well planed you are ; the carpenter that planed you knew his trade " ; and she was ready of reply and answered him back , " Better than you know yours , " for his fiddle had two or three broken strings . And then he had spoken of a neighbour in some way that vexed her father , and he would let him speak no more with her . And she had carried a regret for this through her long life , for she said : " If it wasn 't for him speaking as he did , and my father getting vexed , he might have made words about me like he did for Mary Hynes and for Mary Brown . " She had never been to school she told me , because her father could not pay the penny a week it would have cost . She had never travelled many miles from the parish of her birth , and I am sure had never seen pictures except the sacred ones on chapel walls ; and yet she could tell of a Cromwellian castle built up and of a drawbridge and of long - faced , fair - haired women , and of the yet earlier round house and saffron dress of the heroic times , I do not know whether by direct vision , or whether as Myers wrote : " It may even be that a World - soul is personally conscious of all its past , and that individual souls , as they enter into deeper consciousness enter into something which is at once reminiscence and actuality . . . . Past facts were known to men on earth , not from memory only but by written record ; and these may be records , of what kind we know not , which persist in the spiritual world . Our retro cognitions seem often a recovery of isolated fragments of thought and feeling , pebbles still hard and rounded amid the indecipherable sands over which the mighty waters are ' rolling evermore . ' There was a woman , Mrs . Keevan , killed near the big tree at Raheen , and her husband was after that with Biddy Early , and she said it was not the woman that had died at all , but a cow that died and was put in her place . All my life I 've seen them and enough of them . One day I was with Tom Mannion by the big hole near his house , and we saw a man and a woman come from it , and a great troop of children , little boys they seemed to be , and they went through the gate into Coole , and there we could see them running and running along the wall . And I said to Tom Mannion , " It may be a call for one of us . " And he said , " Maybe it 's for some other one it is . " But on that day week he was dead . I was led astray myself one day in Coole when I went to gather sticks for the fire . I was making a bundle of them , and I saw a boy beside me , and a little grey dogeen with him , and at first I thought it was William Hanlon , and then I saw it was not . And he walked along with me , and I asked him did he want any of the sticks and he said he did not , and he seemed as we were walking to grow bigger and bigger . And when he came to where the caves go underground he stopped , and I asked him his name , and he said , " You should know me , for you 've seen me often enough . " And then he was gone , and I know that he was no living thing . There was a child I had , and he a year and a half old , and he got a quinsy and a choking in the throat and I was holding him in my arms beside the fire , and all in a minute he died . And the men were working down by the river , washing sheep , and they heard the crying of a child from over there in the air , and they said , " That 's Sheridan 's child . " So I knew sure enough that he was taken . Come here close and I 'll tell you what I saw at the old castle there below ( Ballinamantane ) . I was passing there in the evening and I saw a great house and a grand one with screens ( clumps of trees ) at the ends of it , and the windows open - Coole house is nothing like what it was for size or grandeur . And there were people inside and ladies walking about , and a bridge across the river . For they can build up such things all in a minute . And two coaches came driving up and across the bridge to the castle , and in one of them I saw two gentlemen , and I knew them well and both of them had died long before . As to the coaches and the horses I didn 't take much notice of them for I was too much taken up with looking at the two gentlemen . And a man came and called out and asked me would I come across the bridge , and I said I would not . And he said , " It would be better for you if you did , you 'd go back heavier than you came . " I suppose they would have given me some good thing . And then two men took up the bridge and laid it against the wall . Twice I 've seen that same thing , the house and the coaches and the bridge , and I know well I 'll see it a third time before I die [ 12 ] . One time when I was living at Ballymacduff there was two little boys drowned in the river there , one was eight years old and the other eleven years . And I was out in the fields , and the people looking in the river for their bodies , and I saw a man coming away from it , and the two boys with him , he holding a hand of each and leading them away . And he saw me stop and look at them and he said , " Take care would you bring them from me , for you have only one in your own house , and if you take these from me , she 'll never come home to you again . And one of the little chaps broke from his hand and ran to me , and the other cried out to him , " Oh , Pat , would you leave me ! " So then he went back and the man led them away . And then I saw another man , very tall he was , and crooked , and watching me like this with his head down and he was leading two dogs the other way , and I knew well where he was going and what he was going to do with them . And it was at that time I lost my eye , something came on it , and I never got the sight again . All my life I 've seen them and enough of them . One time I saw one of the fields below full of them , some were picking up stones and some were ploughing it up . But the next time I went by there was no sign of it being ploughed at all . They can do nothing without some live person is looking at them , that 's why they were always so much after me . Even when I was a child I could see them , and once they took my walk from me , and gave me a bad foot , and my father cured me , and if he did , in five days after he died . There was a woman lived near me at Ballymacduff , and she used to go about to attend women ; Sarah Redington was her name . And she was brought away one time by a man that came for her into a hill , through a door , but she didn 't know where the hill was . And there were people in it , and cradles and a woman in labour , and she helped her and the baby was born , and the woman told her it was only that night she was brought away . And the man led her out again and put her in the road near her home and he gave her something rolled in a bag , and he bid her not to look at it till she 'd get home , and to throw the first handful of it away from her . But she wouldn 't wait to get home to look at it , and she took it off her back and opened it , and there was nothing in it but cowdung . And the man came to her and said , " You have us near destroyed looking in that , and we 'll never bring you in again among us . " There was a man I know well was away with them , often and often , and he was passing one day by the big tree and they came about him and he had a new pair of breeches on , and one of them came and made a slit in them , and another tore a little bit out , and they all came running and tearing little bits till he hadn 't a rag left . Just to be humbugging him they did that . And they gave him good help , for he had but an acre of land , and he had as much on it as another would have on a big farm . But his wife didn 't like him to be going and some one told her of a cure for him , and she said she 'd try it and if she did , within two hours after she was dead ; killed they had her before she 'd try it . He used to say that where he was brought was into a round very big house , and Cairns that went with them told me the same [ 13 ] . Three times when I went for water to the well , the water spilled over me , and I told Bridget after that they must bring the water themselves , I 'd go for it no more . And the third time it was done there was a boy , one of the Heniffs , was near , and when he heard what happened me he said , " It must have been the woman that was at the well along with you that did that . " And I said there was no woman at the well along with me . " There was , " said he ; " I saw her there beside you , and the two little tins in her hand . " But Bridget and Peter saw her coming in , and they asked me who she was , for they never saw her before . And in the night when I was sleeping at the foot of the bed , she came and threw me out on the floor , that the joint of my arm has a mark in it yet . And every night she came , and she 'd spite me or annoy me in some way . And at last we got Father Nolan to come and to drive her out . And as soon as he began to read , there went out of the house a great blast , and there was a sound as loud as thunder . And Father Nolan said , " It 's well for you she didn 't have you killed before she went . " There 's something that 's not right about an old cat and it 's well not to - annoy them . I was in the house one night , and one came in , and he tried to bring away the candle that was lighted in the candlestick , and it standing on the table . And I had a little rod beside me , and I made a hit at him with it , and with that he dropped the candle and made at me as if to tear me . And I went on my knees and asked his pardon three times , and when I asked it the third time he got quiet all of a minute , and went out at the door . And as to hares - bid Master Robert never to shoot a hare , for you wouldn 't know what might be in it . There were two women I knew , mother and daughter , and they died . And one day I was out by the wood , and I saw two hares sitting by the wall , and the minute I saw them I knew well who they were . And the mother made as though she 'd kill me , but the daughter stopped her . Bad they must have been to have been put into that shape , and indeed I know that they weren 't too good . I saw the mother another time come up near the door as if to see me , and when she got near , she turned herself into a red hare . The priests can do cures out of their book , and the time the cure is done is when they turn the second leaf . There was a boy near Kinvara got a hurt and he was brought into a house and Father Grogan was got to do a cure on him . And he did it , and within two days the priest 's brother was made a fool of , and is locked up in a madhouse ever since , and it near seven years ago [ 14 ] . There was a boy got a fall from a cart near the house beyond , and he was brought in to Mrs . Raynor 's and laid in the bed and I went in to see him . And he said what he saw was a little boy run across the road before the cart , and the horse took fright and ran away and threw him from it . And he asked to be brought to my house , for he wouldn 't stop where he was ; " for " says he , " the woman of this house gave me no drink and showed me no kindness , and she 'll be repaid for that . " And sure enough within the year she got the dropsy and died . And he was carried out of the door backwards , but the mother brought him to her own house and wouldn 't let him come to mine , and ' twas as well , for I wouldn 't refuse him , but I don 't want to be annoyed with them any more than I am . Did you know Mrs . Byrne that lived in Doolin ? Swept she was after her child was born . And near a year after I saw her coming down the road near the old castle . " Is that you , Mary ? " I said to her , " and is it to see me you are coming ? " But she went on . It was in May when they are all changing [ 15 ] . There was a priest , Father Waters , told me one time that he was after burying a boy , one Fahy , in Kilbecanty churchyard . And he was passing by the place again in the evening , and there he saw a great fire burning , but whether it was of turf or of sticks he couldn 't tell , and there was the boy he had buried sitting in the middle of it . I know that I used to be away among them myself , but how they brought me I don 't know , but when I 'd come back , I 'd be cross with the husband and with all . I believe when I was with them I was cross that they wouldn 't let me go , and that 's why they didn 't keep me altogether ; they didn 't like cross people to be with them . The husband would ask me where I was , and why I stopped so long away , but I think he knew I wastaken and it fretted him , but he never spoke much about it . But my mother knew it well , but she 'd try to hide it . The neighbours would come in and ask where was I , and she 'd say I was sick in the bed - for whatever was put there in place of me would have the head in under the bed - clothes . And when a neighbour would bring me in a drink of milk , my mother would put it by and say , " Leave her now , maybe she 'll drink it tomorrbw . " And maybe in a day or two I 'd meet someone and he 'd say , " Why wouldn 't you speak to me when I went into the house to see you ? " And I was a young fresh woman at that time . Where they brought me to I don 't know , or how I got there , but I 'd be in a very big house , and it round , the walls far away that you 'd hardly see them , and a great many people all round about . I saw there neighbours and friends that I knew , and they in their own clothing and with their own appearance , but they wouldn 't speak to me nor I to them , and when I 'd met them again I 'd never say to them that I saw them there . But the others had striped clothes of all colours , and long faces , and they 'd be talking and laughing and moving about . What language had they ? Irish of course , what else would they talk ? And there was one woman of them , very tall and with a long face , standing in the middle , taller than any one you ever saw in this wor ] d , and a tail stick in her hand ; she was the mistress . She had a high yellow thing on her head , not hair , her hair was turned back under it , and she had a long yellow cloak down to her feet and hanging down behind . Had she anything like that in the picture in her hand ? [ a crown of gold balls or apples . ] It was not on her head , it was lower down here about the body , and shining , and a thing [ a brooch ] like that in the picture , but down hanging low like the other . And that picture you have there in your hand , I saw no one like it , but I saw a picture like it hanging on the wall [ 16 ] . It was a very big place and very grand , and a long table set out , but I didn 't want to stop there and I began crying to go home . And she touched me here in the breast with her stick , she was vexed to see me wanting to go away . They never brought me away since . Grand food they 'd offer me and wine , but I never would touch it , and sometimes I 'd have to give the breast to a child . Himself died , but it was they took him from me . It was in the night and he lying beside me , and I woke and heard him move , and I thought I heard some one with him . And I put out my hand and what I touched was an iron hand , like knitting needles it felt . And I heard the bones of his neck crack , and he gave a sort of a choked laugh , and I got out of the bed and struck a light and I saw nothing , but I thought I saw some one go through the door . And I called to Bridget and she didn 't come , and I called again and she came and she said she struck a light when she heard the noise and was coming , and someone came and struck the light from her hand . And when we looked in the bed , himself was lying dead and not a mark on him . There was a woman , Mrs . Leary , had something wrong with her , and she went to Biddy Early . And nothing would do her but to bring my son along with her , and I was vexed . What call had she to bring him with her ? And when Biddy Early saw him she said , " You 'll travel far , but wherever you go you 'll not escape them . " The woman he went up with died about six months after , but he went to America , and he wasn 't long there when what was said came true , and he died . They followed him as far as he went . And one day since then I was on the road to Gort , and Madden said to me , " Your son 's on the road before you . " And I said , " How could that be , and he dead ? " But still I hurried on . And at Coole gate I met a little boy and I asked did he see any one and he said , " You know well who I saw . " But I got no sight of him at all myself . I saw the coach one night near Kiltartan Chapel . Long it was and black , and I saw no one in it . But I saw who was sitting up driving it , and I knew it to be one of the Miskells that was taken before that [ 17 ] . One day I was following the goat to get a sup of milk from her , and she turned into the field and up into the castle of Lydican and went up from step to step up the stairs to the top , and I followed and on the stairs a woman passed me , and I knew her to be Colum 's wife . And when we got to the room at the top , I looked up , and there standing on the wall was a woman looking down at me , long - faced and tall and with grand clothes , and on her head something yellow and slippery , not hair but like marble [ 18 ] . And I called out to ask her wasn 't she afraid to be up there , and she said she was not . And a shepherd that used to live below in the castle saw the same woman one night he went up to the top , and a room and a fire and she sitting by it , but when he went there again there was no sign of her nor of the room , nothing but the stones as before . I never saw them on horses ; but when I came to live at Peter Mahony 's he used to bring in those red flowers [ ragweed ] that grow by the railway , when their stalks were withered , to make the fire . And one day I was out in the road , and two men came over to me and one was wearing a long grey dress . And he said to me , " We have no horses to ride on and have to go on foot , because you have too much fire . " So then I knew it was their horses we were burning [ 19 ] . I know the cure for anything they can do to you , but it 's few I 'd tell it to . It was a strange woman came m and told it to me , and I never saw her again . She bid me spit and use the spittle , or to take a graineen of dust from the navel , and that 's what you should do if any one you care for gets a cold or a shivering , or they put anything upon him . One time I went up to a forth beyond Raheen to pick up a few sticks , and I was beating one of the sticks on the ground to break it , and a voice said from below , " Is it to break down the house you want ? " And a thing appeared that was like a cat , but bigger than any cat ever was . And another time in a forth a man said , " Here 's gold for you , but don 't look at it till you go home . " And I looked and I saw horse - dung and I said , " Keep it yourself , much good may it do you . " They never gave me anything did me good , but a good deal of torment I had from them . And they 're often walking the road , and if you met them you wouldn 't know them from any other person ; but I 'd know them well enough , but I 'd say nothing - and that 's a grand bush we 're passing by - whether it belongs to them I don 't know , but wherever they get shelter , there they might be - but anyway it 's a very fine bush - God bless it . It 's very weak I am , and took to my bed since yesterday . They 've changed now out of where they were near the castle , and it 's inside Coole demesne they are . It was an old man told me that , I met him on the road there below . First I thought he was a young man , and then I saw he was not , and he grew very nice - looking after , and he had plaid clothes . " We 're moved out of that now , " he said , " and it 's strangers will be coming in it . And you ought to know me , " he said . And when I looked at him I thought I did . And one day I was down in Coole I saw their house , more like a big dairy , with red tiles and a high chimney and a lot of smoke out of it , and there was a woman at the door and two or three outside . But they 'll do you no harm , for the man told me so . " They needn 't be afraid , " he said , " we 're good neighbors , but let them not say too much if the milk might go from the cows now and again . " I was over beyond Raheen one time , and I saw a woman milking and she at the wrong side of the cow . And when she saw me she got up , and she had a bucket that was like a plate , and it full of milk and she gave it to a man that was waiting there , that I thought first was one of the O ' Heas , and they went away . And the cow was a grand fine one , but who it belonged to I didn 't know - maybe to themselves . It 's about a week ago one night some one came into the room in the dark , and I saw it was my son that I lost - he that went to America - James . He didn 't die , he was whipped away - I knew he wasn 't dead , for I saw him one day on the road to Gort on a coach , and he looked down and he said , " That 's my poor mother . " And when he came in here , I couldn 't see him , but I knew him by his talk . And he said , " It 's asleep she is , " and he put his two hands on my face and I never stirred . And he said , " I 'm not far from you now . " For he is with the others inside Coole near where the river goes down the swallow hole . To see me he came , and I think he 'll be apt to come again before long . And last night there was a light about my head all the night and no candle in the room at all . I was passing a field near Kiltartan one time when I was a girl , where there was a little lisheen , and a field of wheat , and when I was passing I heard a piper beginning to play , and I couldn 't but begin to dance , it was such a good tune ; and there was a boy standing there , and he began to dance too . And then my father came by , and he asked why were we dancing , and no one playing for us . And I said there was , and I began to search through the wheat for the piper , but I couldn 't find him , and I heard a voice saying , " You 'll see me yet , and it will be in a town . " Well , one Christmas eve I was in Gort and my husband with me , and that night at Gort I heard the same tune beginning again - the grandest I ever heard - and I couldn 't but begin to dance . And Glynn the chair - maker heard it too , and he began to dance with me in the street , and my man thought I had gone mad , and the people gathered round us , for they could see or hear nothing . But I saw the piper well , and he had plaid clothes , blue and white , and he said , " Didn 't I tell you that when I saw you again it would be in a town ? " Many of them I have seen - they are like ourselves only wearing bracket clothes [ 20 ] , and their bodies are not so strong or so thick as ours , and their eyes are more shining than our eyes . I don 't see many of them here , but Coole is alive with them , as plenty as grass ; I often go awhile and Sit inside the gate there . I saw them make up a house one time near the natural bridge , and I saw them coming over the gap twice near the chapel , a lot of little boys , and two men and a woman , and they had old talk and young talk . One of them came m here twice , and I gave him a bit of bread , but he said , " There 's salt in it " and he put it away [ 21 ] . When Annie Rivers died the other day , there were two funerals in it , a big funeral with a new coffin and another that was in front of them , men walking , the handsomest I ever saw , and they with black clothes about their body . I was out there looking at them , and there was a cow in the road , and I said , " Take care would you drive away the cow . " And one of them said , " No fear of that , we have plenty of cows on the other side of the wall . " But no one could see them but myself . I often saw them and it was they took the sight of my eyes from me . And Annie Rivers was not in the grand coffin , she was with them a good while before the funeral . That time I saw the two funerals at Rivers 's that I was telling you about , I heard Annie call to those that were with her , " You might as well let me have Bartley ; it would be better for the two castles to meet . " And since then the mother is uneasy about Bartley , and he fell on the floor one day and I know well he is gone since the day Annie was buried . And I saw others at the funeral , and some that you knew well among them . And look now , you should send a coat to some poor person , and your own friends among the dead will be covered , for you could see the skin here . [ She made a gesture passing her hand down each arm , exactly the same gesture as old Mary Glynn of Slieve Echtge had made yesterday when she said , " Have you a coat you could send me , for my arms are bare . " and I had promised her one . ] Would I have gone among them if I had died last month ? I think not . I think that I have lived my time out , since my father was taken . He was a young man at that time , and one time I was out in the field , and I got a knock on the foot , and a lump rose ; there is the mark of it yet . It was after that I was on the road with my father , near Kinvara , and a man came and began to beat him . And I thought that he was going to beat me , and I got in near the wall and my father said , " Spare the girl ! " " I will do that , I will spare her , " said the man . He went away then , and within a week my father was dead . And my mother told me that before the burying , she saw the corpse on the bed , sitting on the side of the bed , and his feet hanging down . I saw my father often since then , but not this good while now . He had always a young appearance when I saw him . A big woman came to the window and looked in at me , the time I was on the bed lately . " Rise up out of that , " she said . I saw her another time on the road , and the wind blew her dress open , and I could see that she had nothing at all on underneath it . " Tir - nan - og " that is not far from us . One time I was in the chapel at Labane , and there was a tall man sitting next me , and he dressed in grey , and after the Mass I asked him where he came from . " From Tir - na - nog , " says he . " And where is that ? " I asked him . " It 's not far from you , " he said ; " it 's near the place where you live . " I remember well the look of him and him telling me that . The priest was looking at us while we were talking together [ 22 ] . " We found him in his hayfield , and he took us to his thatched lime - white house and told us many things . A little later we went there again to verify what I had put down . I remember him as very gentle and courteous , and that a cloth was spread and tea made for us by his daughters , he himself sitting at the head of the table . Mr . Yeats at that time wore black clothes and a soft black hat , but gave them up later , because he was so often saluted as a priest . But this time another view was taken , and I was told after a while that the curate of the Glare parish had written to the curate of a Gonnacht parish that Lady Gregory had come over the border with " a Scripture Reader " to try and buy children for proselytising purposes . But the Connacht curate had written back to the Glare curate that he had always thought him a fool , and now he was sure of it . Our family dimimshed vcry much till at last there were but three brothers left , and they separated . One went to Ennis and another came here and the other to your own place beyond . It was a long time before they could make one another out again . It was my uncle used to go away among them . When I was a young chap , I 'd go out in the field working with him , and he 'd bid me go away on some message , and when I 'd come back it might be in a faint I 'd find him . It was he himself was taken ; it was but his shadow or some thing in his likeness was left behind . He was a very strong man . You might remember Ger Kelly what a strong man he was , and Stout , and six feet two inches in height . Well , he and my uncle had a dispute one time , and he made as if to strike at him , and my uncle , without so much as taking off his coat , gave one blow that stretched him on the floor . And at the barn at Bunahowe he and my father could throw a hundred weight over the collar beam , what no other could do [ 23 ] . My father had no notion at all of managing things . He lived to be eighty years , and all his life he looked as innocent as that little chap turning the hay . My uncle had the same innocent look ; I think they died quite happy . One time the wife got a touch , and she got it again , and the third time she got up in the morning and went out of the house and never said where she was going . But I had her watched , and I told the boy to follow her and never to lose sight of her , and I gave him the sign to make if he 'd meet any bad thing . So he followed her , and she kept before him , and while he was going along the road something was up on top of the wall with one leap a red - haired man it was , with no legs and with a thin face [ 24 ] . But the boy made the sign and got hold of him and carried him till he got to the bridge . At the first he could not lift the man , but after he made the sign he was quite light . And the woman turned home again , and never had a touch after . It 's a good job the boy had been taught the sign . Make that sign with your thumbs if ever when you 're walking out you feel a sort of a shivering in the skin , for that shows there 's some bad thing near , but if you hold your hands like that , if you went into a forth itself , it couldn 't harm you . And if you should any time feel a sort of a pain in your little finger , the surest thing is to touch it with human dung . Don 't neglect that , for if they 're glad to get one of us , they 'd be seven times better pleased to get the like of you . Youngsters they take mostly to do work for them , and they are death on handsome people , for they are handsome themselves . To all sorts of work they put them , and digging potatoes and the like , and they have wine from foreign parts , and cargoes of gold coming in to them . Their houses are ten times more beautiful and ten times grander than any house in this world . And they could build one of them up in that field in ten minutes . Clothes of all colours they wear , and crowns like that one in the picture , and of other shapes [ 25 ] . They have different queens , not always the same . The people they bring away must die some day ; as to themselves , they were living from past ages , and they can never die till the time when God has His mind made up to redeem them . Coaches they make up when they want to go driving , with wheels and all , but they want no horses . There might be twenty of them going out together sometimes , and all full of them . They are everywhere around us , and may be within a yard of us now in the grass . But if I ask you , " What day is tomorrow , " and you said , " Thursday , " they wouldn 't be able to overhear us . They have the power to go in every place , even on to the hook the priest is using . There was one John Curran lived over there towards Bunahowe , and he had a cow that died , and they were striving to rear the calf - boiled hay they were giving it , the juice the hay was boiled in . And you never saw anything to thrive as it did . And one day some man was looking at it and he said , " You may be sure the mother comes back and gives it milk . " And John Curran said , " How can that be , and she dead ? " But the man said , " She 's not dead , she 's in the forth beyond . And if you go towards it half an hour before sunrise you 'll find her , and you should catch a hold of her and bring her home and milk her , and when she makes to go away again , take a hold of her tail and follow her . " So he went out next morning , half an hour before sunrise , up toward the forth , and brought her home and milked her , and when the milking was done she started to go away and he caught a hold of the tail and was carried along with her . And she brought him into the forth , through a door . And behind the door stood a barrel , and what was in the barrel is what they put their finger in , and touch their forehead with when they go out , for if they didn 't do that all people would be able to see them . And as soon as he got in , there were voices from all sides . " Welcome , John Curran , welcome , John Curran . " And he said : " The devil take you , how well you know my name ; it 's not a welcome I want , it 's my cow to bring home again . " So in the end he got the cow and brought her home . And he saw there a woman that had died out of the village about ten years before , and she suckling a child [ 26 ] . Surely I knew Biddy Early , and my uncle was a friend of hers . It was from the same power they got the cures . My uncle left me the power , and I was well able to do them and did many , hut my stock was all dying and what could I do ? So I gave a part of the power to Mrs . Tohin that lives in Gort and she can cure a good many things . Biddy Early told me herself that where she got it was when she was a servant girl in a house , there was a baby lying in the cradle , and he went on living for a few years . But he was friendlv to her and used to play tunes for her and when he went away he gave her the bottle and the power . The cure for all things in the world ? Surely she had it and knew where it was . And I knew it myself too - but I could not tell you of it . Seven parts I used to make it with , and one of them is a thing that 's in every house . One time I was walking on the road to Galway , near the sea , and another man along with me . And I saw in a field beside the road a very small woman walking down towards us , and she smiling and carrying a can of water in her hand , and she was dressed in a blue spencer . So I asked the other man did he see her , and he said he did not , and when I came up to the wall she was gone . One time myself when I went to look for a wife , I went to the house , and there was a hen and some chickens before the door . Well , after I went home one of the chickens died . And what do you think they said , but that it was I overlooked it . My wife got a touch from them , and they have a watch on her ever since . It was the day after I married and I weht to the fair at Clarenbridge . And when I came back the house was full of smoke , but there was nothing on the hearth but cinders , and the smoke was more like the smoke of a forge . And she was within lying on the bed , and her brother was sitting outside the door crying . So I went to the mother and asked her to come in , and she was crying too . And she knew well what had happened , but she didn 't tell me , but she sent for the priest . And when he came he sent me for Geoghegan and that was only an excuse to get me away , and what he and the mother tried to bring her to do was to face death , and they knew I wouldn 't allow that if I was there . But the wife was very stout and she wouldn 't give in to them . So the priest read more , and he asked would I be willing to lose something , and I said , so far as a cow or a calf I wouldn 't mind losing that . Well , she partly recovered , but from that day , no year went by but I lost ten lambs maybe or other things . And twice they took my children out of the bed , two of them I have lost . And the others they gave a touch to . That girl there - see the way she is , and can 't walk . In one minute it came on her out in the field , with the fall of a wall [ 27 ] . It was one among them that wanted the wife . A woman and a boy we often saw come to the door , and she was the matchmaker . And when we would go out , they would have vanished . Biddy Early 's cure that you heard of , it was the moss on the water of the mill - stream between the two wheels of Ballylee . It can cure all things brought about by them , but not any common ailment . But there is no cure for the stroke given by a queen or a fool . There is a queen in every house or regiment of them . It is of those they steal away they make queens for as long as they live or that they are satisfied with them . There were two women fighting at a spring of water , and one hit the other on the head with a can and killed her . And after that her children began to die . And the husband went to Biddy Early and as soon as she saw him she said , " There 's nothing I can do for you , your wife was a wicked woman , and the one she hit is a queen among them , and she is taking your children one by one and you must suffer till twenty - one years are up . " And so he did . The stroke of a fool , there 's no cure for either . There are many fools among them dressed in strange clothes like one of the mummers that used to be going through the country . But it might be the fools are the wisest after all . There are two classes , the Dundonians that are like ourselves , and another race , more wicked and more spiteful . Very small they are and wide , and their belly sticks out in front , so that what they carry they don 't carry it on the back , but in front , on the belly in a bag [ 28 ] . They were fighting when Johnny Casey died ; that 's what often happens . Everyone has friends among them , and the friends would be trying to save you when the others would be trying to bring you away . Youngsters they pick up here and there , to help them in their fights and in their work . They have cattle and horses , but all of them have only three legs . There was a boy was a splendid dancer , and straight and firm , for they don 't like those that go to right or left as they walk . Well , one night he was going to a house where there was a dance , and when he was about half - way to it , he came to another house , where there was music and dancing going on . So he turned in , and there was a room all done up with curtains and with screens , and a room inside where the people were sitting , and it was only those that were dancing sets that came to the outside room . As to their treasure , it 's best to be without it . There was a man living by a forth , and where his house touched the forth , he built a little room and left it for them , clean and in good order , the way they 'd like it . And whenever he 'd want money , for a fair or the like , he 'd find it laid on the table in the morning . And when he had it again , he 'd leave it there , and it would be taken away in the night . But after that going on for a time he lost his son . There was a room at Crags where things used to be thrown about , and everyone could hear the noises there . They had a right to clear it out and settle it the way they 'd like it . You should do that in your own big house . Set a little room for them - with spring water in it always - and wine you might leave - no , not flowers - they wouldn 't want so much as that - but just what would show your good will . He was short and broad , with regular features , and his hair was thick and dark , though he was an old man . He Wore a flannel - sleeved waistcoat , and his trousers were much patched on the knees . He sat on a low bench in the wide chimney nook , holding a soft hat in his hands which kept nervously moving . The woman of the house came over now and then to look at the iron tripod on the hearth . She , like the healer , spoke only Irish . The man of the house sat between us and interpreted , holding a dip candle in his hands . A dog growled without ceasing at one side of the hearth , a reddish cat sat at the other . The woman seemed frightened and angry at times as the old man spoke , and clutched the baby to her breast . It was Fagan cured me of a pain I had in my arm , I couldn 't get rid of . He gave me a something to drink , and he bid me go to a quarry and to touch some of the stones that were lying outside it and not to touch others of them . Anyway I got well . And one time down by the hill we were gathering in the red seaweed , and there was a boy there that was leading a young horse , the same way he 'd been leading him a year or more . But this day of a sudden he made a snap to bite him , and secondly he reared as if to jump on top of him , and thirdly turned around and made at him with the hoofs . And the boy threw himself to one side and escaped , but with the fright he got he went into his bed and stopped there . And the next day Fagan came and told him everything that had happened , and he said , " I saw thousands on the strand near where it was last night . " It was from his sister he got the cure . Taken she was when her baby was born . She died in the morning and the baby at night . We didn 't tell John of it for a month after , where he was away , caring horses . But he knew of it before he came home , for she followed him there one day he was out in the field , and when he didn 't know her she said , " I 'm your sister Kate . " And she said , " I bring you a cure that you may cure both yourself and others . " And she told him of the herb and the field he 'd find it growing , and that he must choose a plant with seven branches , the half of them above the clay and the half of them covered up . And she told him how to use it . Twenty years she 's gone , but she 's not dead yet , but the last time he saw her he said that she was getting grey . Every May and November he sees her , he 'll be seeing her soon now . When her time comes to die , she 'll be put in the place of some other one that 's taken , and so she 'll get absolution [ 29 ] . He has cured many . But sometimes they are vexed with him , for some cure he has done , when he interferes with some person they 're meaning to bring away . And many 's the good beating they gave him out in the fields for doing that . A nurse she 's been all the time among them . And don 't believe those that say they have no children . A boy among them is as clever as any boy here , but he must be matched with a woman from earth . And the same way with their women , they must get a husband here . And they never can give the breast to a child , but must get a nurse from here . Tell me the Christian name of your friend you want the cure for . " William Butler , " I 'll keep that [ 31 ] . And when himself gathers the herb , if it 's for a man , he must call on the name of some other man , and call him a king - Righ - and if it 's for a woman he must call on the name of some other woman and call her a queen that is calling on the king or the queen of the plant . It 's not from them the harm came to your eyes . I see them in all places - and there 's no man mowing a meadow that doesn 't see them at some time or other . As to what they look like , they 'll change colour and shape and clothes while you look round . Bracket caps they always wear . There is a king and a queen and a fool in each house of them , that is true enough - but they would do you no harm . The king and the queen are kind and gentle , and whatever you 'll ask them for they 'll give it . They 'll do no harm at all if you don 't injure them . You might speak to them if you 'd meet them on the road , and they 'd answer you , if you 'd speak civil and quiet and show respect , and not be laughing or humbugging - they wouldn 't like that . One night I was in bed with the wife beside me , and the child near me , near the fire . And I turned and saw a woman sitting by the fire , and she made a snap at the child , and I was too quick for her and got hold of it , and she was at the door and out of it in one minute , before I could get to her . Another time in the field a woman came beside me , and I went on to a gap in the wall and she was in it before me . And then she stopped me and she said : " I 'm your sister that was taken ; and don 't you remember how I got the fever first and you tended me , and then you got it yourself , and one had to be taken and I was the one . " And she taught me the cure , and the way to use it . And she told me that she was in the best of places , and told me many things that she bound me not to tell . And I asked was it here she was kept ever since , and she said it was , but she said , " In six months I 'll have to move to another place , and others will come where I am now , and it would be better for you if we stopped here , for the most of us here now are your neighbours and your friends . " And it was she gave me the second sight [ 32 ] . . Last year I was digging potatoes and a man came by , one of them , and one that I knew well before . And he said , " You have them this year , and we 'll have them the next two years . " And you know the potatoes were good last year and you see that they are bad now , and have been made away with [ 33 ] . And the sister told me that half the food in Ireland goes to them , but that if they like they can make out of cow - dung all they want , and they can come into a house and use what they like and it will never be missed in the morning . The old man suddenly stooped and took a handful of hot ashes in his hand , and put them my his pocket . And presently he said he 'd be afraid tonight going home the road . When we asked him why , he said he 'd have to tell what errand he had been on . I walked home with the old man last night , he was afraid to go by himself . He pointed out to me on the way a graveyard where he had got a great beating from them one night . He had a drop too much taken after being at a funeral , and he went there and gathered the plant wrong . And they came and punished him , that his head is not the better of it ever since . He told me the way he knows in the gathering of the plant what is wrong with the person that is looking for a cure . He has to go on his knees and say a prayer to the king and the queen and the gentle and the simple among them , and then he gathers it , and if there are black leaves about it , or white ones , but chiefly a black leaf folded down , he knows the illness is some of their business ; but for this young man the plant came fresh and green and clean . He has been among them and has seen the king and the queen , and he says that they are no bigger than the others , but the queen wears a wide cap , and the others have bracket caps . OLD DERUANE lived in the middle island of Aran , Inish - maan , where I have stayed more than once . He was one of the evening visitors to the cottage I stayed in , when the fishers had come home and had eaten , and the fire was stirred and flashed on the dried mackerel and con ger eels hanging over the wide hearth , and the little vessel of cod oil had a fresh wick put in it and lighted . The men would sit in a half - circle on the floor , passing the lighted pipe from one to another ; the women would find some work with yarn or wheel . The talk often turned on the fallen angels or the dead , for the dwellers in those islands have not been moulded in that dogma which while making belief in the after - life an essential , makes belief in the shadow - visit of a spirit yearning after those it loved a vanity , a failing of the great essential , common sense , and sets down one who believes in such things as what Burton calls in his Anatomy " a melancholy dizzard . " I knew two fine young women were brought away after childbirth , and they were seen after in the North Island going about with them . One of them I saw myself there , one time I was out late at night going to the east village . I saw her pattern walking on the north side of the wall , on the road near me , but she said nothing . And my body began to shake , and I was going to get to the south side of the wall , to put it between us ; but then I said , " Where is God ? " and I walked on and passed her , and she looked aside at me but she didn 't speak . And I heard her after me for a good while , but I never looked back , for it 's best not to look back at them . And there was another woman had died , and one evening late I was coming from the schoolmaster , for he and I are up to one another , and he often gives me charity . And then I saw her or her pattern walking along that field of rock you passed by just now . But I stopped and I didn 't speak to her , and she went on down the road , and when she was about forty fathoms below me I could hear her abusing some one , but no one there . I thought maybe it was that she was vexed at me that I didn 't question her . She was a young woman too . I 'll go bail they never take an old man or woman - what would they do with them ? If by chance they 'd come among them they 'd throw them out again . Another night I was out and the moon shining , I knew by the look of it the night was near wore away . And when I came to the corner of the road beyond , my flesh began to shake and my hair rose up , and every hair was as stiff as that stick . So I knew that some evil thing was near , and I got home again . This island is as thick as grass with them , or as sand ; but good neighbours make good neighbours , and no woman minding a house but should put a couple of the first of the potatoes aside on the dresser , for there 's no house but they 'll visit it some time or other . Myself , I always brush out my little tent clean of a night before I lie down , and the night I 'd do it most would be a rough night . How do we know what poor soul might want to come in ? I saw them playing ball one day when the slip you landed at was being made , and I went down to watch the work . There were hundreds of them in the field at the top of it , about three feet tall , and little caps on them ; but the men that were working there , they couldn 't see them [ 35 ] . And one morning I went down to the well to leave my pampooties in it to soak - it was a Sabbath morning and I was going to Mass - and the pampooties were hard and wore away my feet , and I left them there . And when I came back in a few minutes they were gone , and I looked in every cleft , but I couldn 't find them . And when I was going away , I felt them about me , and coming between my two sticks that I was walking with . And I stopped and looked down and said , " I know you 're there , " and then I said , " Gentlemen , I know you 're here about me , " and when I said that word they went away . Was it they took my pampooties ? Not at all - what would they want with such a thing as pampooties ? It was some children must have taken them , and I never saw them since . One time I wanted to settle myself clean , and I brought down my waistcoat and a few little things I have , to give them a rinse in the sea - water , and I laid them out on a stone to dry , and I left one of my sticks on them . And when I came back after leaving them for a little time , the stick was gone . And I was vexed at first to be without it , but I knew that they had taken it to be humbugging me , or maybe for their own use in fighting . Por there is nothing there is more fighting among than them . So I said , " Welcome to it , Gentlemen , may it bring you luck ; maybe you 'll make more use of it than ever I did myself . " One night when I was sleeping in my little tent , I heard a great noise of fighting , and I thought it was down at Mrs . Jordan 's house , and that maybe the children were troublesome in the bed , she having a great many of them . And in the morning as I passed the house I said to her , " What was on you in the night ? " And she said there was nothing happened there , and that she heard no noise . So I said nothing but went on ; and when I came to the flag - stones beyond her house , they were covered with great splashes and drops of blood . So I said nothing of that either , but went on . What time of the year ? Wait till I think , it was this very same time of the year , the month of May . There was a man was passing by that Sheogney place below , fishing in his curragh , and when they were about a mile out they saw a ship coming towards them , and when they looked again , instead of having three masts she had none , and just when they were going to take up the curragh to bring it ashore , a great wave came and turned it upside down . And the man that owned her got such a fright that he couldn 't walk , and the other two had to hold him under the arms to bring him home . And he went to his bed , and within a week after , he was dead . One night I heard a crying down the road , and the next day , there was a child of Tom Regan 's dead . And it was a few months after that , that I heard a crying again . And the next day another of his children was gone . There was a man was passing by that Sheogney place below , " Breagh " we call it . And he saw a man come riding out of it on a white horse . And when he got home that night there was nothing for him or for any of them to eat , for the potatoes were not in yet . And in the morning he asked the wife was there anything to eat , and she said a neighbour had sent in a pan of meal . So she made that into stirabout , and he took but a small bit of it out of her hand to leave more for the rest . And then he took a sheet , and bid her make a bag of it , and he got a horse and rode to the place where he saw the man ride out , for he knew he was the master of them . And he asked for the full of the bag of meal , and said he 'd bring it back again , when he had it . And the man brought the bag in , and filled it for him and brought it out again . And when the oats were ripe , the first he cut , he got ground at the mill and brought it to the place and gave it in . And the man came out and took it , and said whatever he 'd want at any time , to come to him and he 'd get it . There 's a boy , I know him well , that was up at that forth above the house one day , and a blast of wind came and blew the hat off him . And when he saw it going off in the air he cried out , " Do whatever is pleasing to you , but give me back my cap ! " And in the moment it was settled back again on to his head . There are many can do cures , because they have something walking with them , what one may call a ghost from among the Sheogue . A few cures I can do myself , and this is how I got them . I told you that I was for five quarters in Manchester , and where I lodged were two old women in the house , from the farthest end of Mayo , for they were running from Mayo at the time because of the hunger . And I knew that they were likely to have a cure , for St . Patrick blessed the places he was not in more than the places he was in , and with the cure he left and the fallen angels , there are many in Mayo can do them . Now it 's the custom in England never to clean the table but once in the week and that on a Saturday night . And on that night all is set out clean , and all the crutches of bread and bits of meat and the like are gathered together in a tin can , and thrown out in the street , and women that have no other way of living come round then with a bag that would hold two stone , and they pick up all that 's thrown out in the street , and live on it for a week . And often I didn 't eat the half of what was before me , and I wouldn 't throw it out , but I 'd bring it to the two old women that were in the house , so they grew very fond of me . Those that get a touch I could save from being brought away , but I couldn 't bring back a man that 's away , for it 's only those that have been living among them for a while that can do that . There was a neighbour 's child was sick , and I got word of it , and I went to the house , for the woman there had showed me kindness . And I went in to the cradle and I lifted the quilt off the child 's face and you could see by it , and I knew the sign , that there was some of their work there . And I said , " You are not likely to have the child long with you , Ma ' am . " And she said , " Indeed I know I won 't have him long . " So I said nothing but I went out , and whatever I did , and whatever I got there , I brought it again and gave it to the child , and he began to get better . And the next day I brought the same thing again , and gave it the child , and I looked at it and I said to the mother , " He 'll live to comb his hair grey . " And from that time he got better , and now there 's no stronger child in the island , and he the youngest in the house . After that the husband got sick , and the woman said to me one day , " If there 's anything you can do to cure him , have pity on me and on my children , and I 'll give you what you 'll wish . " But I said , " I 'll do what I can for you , but I 'll take nothing from you except maybe a grain of tea or a glass of porter , for I wouldn 't take money for this , and I refused £ 2 one time for a cure I did . " So I went and I brought back the cure , and I mixed it with flour and made it into three little pills that it couldn 't be lost , and gave them to him , and from that time he got well . There 's a woman lived down the road there , and one day I went in to the house , when she was after coming from Galway town , and I asked charity of her . And it was in the month of August when the bream fishing was going on , and she said , " There 's no one need be in want now , with fresh fish in the sea and potatoes in the gardens " ; and gave me nothing . But when I was out the door she said , " Well , come back here . " And I said , " If you were to offer me all you brought from Galway , I wouldn 't take it from you now . " Down by the path at the top of the slip from there to the hill , that 's the way they go most nights , hundreds and thousands of them . There are two old men in the island got a beating from them ; one of them told me himself and brought me out on the ground , that I 'd see where it was . He was out in a small field , and was after binding up the grass , and the sky got very black over him and very dark . And he was thrown down on the ground , and got a great beating , but he could see nothing at all . He had done nothing to vex them , just minding his business in the field . This is a story was going about twenty years ago . There was a curate in the island , and one day he got a call to the other island for the next day . And in the evening he told the servant maid that attended him to clean his boots good and very good , for he 'd be meeting good people where he was going . And she said , " I will , Holy Father , and if you 'll give me your hand and word to marry me for nothing , I 'll clean them grand . " And he said " I will ; whenever you get a comrade I 'll marry you for nothing , I give you my hand and word . " So she had the boots grand for him in the morning . Well , she got a sickness after , and after seven months going by , she was buried . And six months after that , the curate was in his parlour one night and the moon shining , and he saw a boy and a girl outside the house , and they came to the window , and he knew it was the servant girl that was buried . And she said , " I have a comrade now , and I came for you to marry us as you gave your word . " And he said , " I 'll hold to my word since I gave it , " and he married them then and there , and they went away again . It has been written extensively by leading intuitive healers , that crystals have physical , spiritual and emotional frequencies that can affect the chakra 's and more importantly re - tune our energetic body . According to intuitive and crystal healers , crystals and minerals provide healing and is an art and practice , done on a metaphysical , energetic and physical level . Crystals and minerals are being used extensively in Holistic and Complementary Medicine treatment . 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Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Creativity , Dog , Dreams , Encouragement , Family , Friendship , Gifts , Gratitude , Journal Writings , List , Love , Mother , My Dog , My Mom , My Personal News , My Son , Odd Ramblings , Original Prose , Photographs , Poem , Poetry , Prompt , Technology , Words , Writing on December 6 , 2016 I wrote this while most were sleeping . It was one of those times when sleep eluded me . Perhaps having a new pen had something to do with it too . I hope you can read my scribblings . If you have the time , write a short list of things for which you are thankful . I find detailing my blessings improves my mood and makes what I lack seem less important . You might find it beneficial as well . Creativity is your natural state . Open yourself to the inspiration around you , put your mind and hands to work adding something beautiful to the world . We need what you have to share . Someone might be looking for exactly what you have to say . So get busy and create a work of art in whatever form you choose . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Artwork , Blessings , Books , Creativity , Dog , Dreams , Education , Encouragement , Flowers , Friendship , Gratitude , Journal Writings and Original Poetry , Love , Men and Relationships , Mother , Original Poems and Prose , Personal Enrichment , Photographs , Poem , Poetry , Prompt , Reading , Romance , Society , Technology , Writing on May 7 , 2016 I hope you enjoyed these creations from my photos . I hope you have an awesome day . I encourage you to create something today . You are capable of making whatever you desire and it will enrich your life . The world needs more of us to share our originality . Now it is your turn . Make a list of at least five things for which you are grateful today . This will have a positive effect on you even , and especially , if you are going through a difficult time . Life looks better when you count your blessings . It makes you appreciate what you have , in spite of what you may lack . Here is a picture I took a while back that I call , " Meet Me Here . " Your creative challenge is to write a story that might happen here , or one about this photo . Have fun , and do not allow your inner critic to stymie your work . You have the ability to create something wonderful . Finally , if you enjoyed what you have seen here , please subscribe to my blog . I would love for you to share this blog with your friends if you feel it would add quality to their lives . All the work found here is originally created by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan and is covered by copyright . Should you wish to share please credit the work . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Books , Creativity , Encouragement , Friendship , God , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Original Poetry , Original Prose , Poem , Poetry , Problems , Relationships , Romance , Story , Writing on November 8 , 2013 Otherwise Entertained ( 12 ) Morgan woke up shivering on the bunk bed where she had fallen into an exhausted sleep . As soon as she gained consciousness , she realized her left wrist , right ankle , and back were in worse shape than she had imagined before she lay down . She turned on the lamp her mother had given them as a wedding present and realized her wrist was an angry shade of purple , almost black . Her ankle was hurting worse than it had the first morning after she fell in the ravine . Her back smarted where the whip had dug into her tender flesh . She wished she could go to the hospital , but it was Sunday morning , she had no insurance because Tony had not been at his job long enough to gain coverage , and she doubted he would appreciate her writing a check for the cost . She knew there were a couple of thousand dollars in the account if he had not spent all the money she had deposited from her working summer jobs . She did not know the balance because he insisted since he made all the money that he should have control of the finances . He gave her a cash allowance for groceries and other spending . She knew he made good money at his present job , but she had no idea what he spent when she was not around . If the tip he left last night was any indication , there might be less money in the account than she guessed . She tried to use the crutches to hobble to the bedroom , but found it hurt to put any pressure on her left hand . This was not a good state of affairs . She wanted to go to church because there might be questions if she were not there . She managed to hobble to the bedroom bracing herself on the right wall . Tony was still asleep and she chose not to wake him . She did not think she could take more punishment like that of last night and she had no idea what mood in which he would awaken . She felt around in the closet her father had constructed and found a long sleeved shirt and a long skirt hanging together . She wished it was appropriate to wear jeans on Sunday morning , but knew people would stare if she did . She did not wish to draw undue attention to herself . She got fresh underwear out of her childhood dresser and limped to the bathroom . When she turned her back to the shower , she nearly fainted . Now she knew what slaves felt like after being beaten by an overseer . No pain so excruciating had visited her body before . She almost forgot her ankle and wrist hurt . God only knew what she had done to deserve this suffering . When she got out of the shower , she took a makeup mirror and turned her back to the mirror over the sink . The reflection made her gasp . There were deep red welts crisscrossing the middle of her back . She was glad the shirt she had found was dark and thick . She dressed and combed out her hair . She decided makeup was necessary and carefully applied it to her face . She checked on Tony again , finding him still asleep . They did not always go to church together so she figured no one would be overly concerned when she showed up alone . She tried to eat a bowl of cereal , but found she had no appetite . She picked up her purse , and slung it over her right shoulder . Again , she felt pain shoot through her . This was not going to be easy . She hobbled out the door and shut it quietly behind her . She made it to Katie in a few wobbly steps . When her back touched the seat , she drew in a deep breath . She cranked the Cadillac and backed out of the driveway slowly , trying not to rev the big engine . Driving was no fun , every time she made a turn or put on brakes she was reminded of her injuries . She made it to the small white church on the hill and found the parking lot already crowded . She parked as close to the building as possible and tried to walk inside without limping . She ground her teeth together to avoid moaning . One of her friends hugged her , and she wished she had not done so . One of the older women asked what had happened to her foot . She answered that she had fallen down some stairs . She made it through Sunday school without any more questions about her condition . The teacher did ask where Tony was and she told him he had wanted to sleep in because he was very tired . The pastor preached a beautiful sermon on First Corinthians Thirteen . She thought how that definition of love was lacking in her life with Tony , but she smiled thinking of Kelvin . Then guilt overwhelmed her and tears trickled over her cheeks . She swiped them away with her right hand . She shut her eyes and prayed that she could be forgiven . When the service ended , she walked out as quickly as she could . A few people stopped her to shake hands and hug her . When she got to the car , she sighed with relief . She thought it had gone very well , but she felt no absolution . She drove home slowly trying to avoid as much pain as she could . When she got home Tony 's Camaro was missing from the driveway . That could not possibly be good , but she was relieved she would not have face him immediately . She went inside and put down her purse and Bible . She limped to the bedroom and changed out of her church clothes . She put on another long sleeved shirt and jeans . Her back smarted when the material touched the welts . She limped to the front room and took a Diet Coke from the refrigerator . She thought of the crutches , but guessed they would be more trouble than help . She hobbled to her desk and took out her journal . She wondered if it was safe to write about last night and this morning . She decided she had nothing to lose . After writing down what she experienced , she put the journal back in the bottom of one of the drawers where she usually hid it . She took out some paper and wrote a couple of poems . One was a prayer of contrition asking for forgiveness and the other was a love song . It had been a long time since she was inspired to write about love . She thought about that and decided it was a sad commentary on the state of her marriage . After the preceding night , she wondered if she was crazy to be sitting in this apartment . Her pride prevented her from admitting to anyone else how horribly wrong she had been to get married . Now Kelvin knew she had reservations , but she did not think he would reveal what she had said to anyone else . She heard a car pull up in the driveway and stuffed her papers into a drawer . In a moment keys rattled in the lock . Tony burst into the room and glared at her . She answered , " I went to church as I often do on Sundays . You were sleeping so soundly I decided it was best not to wake you . I knew you had a tiring week and thought you could use the extra rest . " He nodded and said , " Thank you . That was sweet of you . I am sorry I was so rough on you last night . I will not do it again . Can you forgive me ? " He left and she sat stunned at her desk . She wondered how he thought a few words could erase the deeds of the night before . Maybe she was crazy , but it seemed like he would realize how badly he had hurt her . She wished she knew someone she could talk to about it , but it was long distance to call her best friend and she did not think anyone else would understand . After about twenty minutes , she heard the Camaro outside . He came in and served their plates from the bucket of chicken and side items . He sat down on the bunk and patted the place beside him . She carefully balanced her plate and limped the few steps over to the bunk . She sat down , and he patted her on the back . She bit her tongue to avoid screaming . She wondered if he could truly be so insensitive , or if he had forgotten whipping her . She decided there was no good explanation for the way he was acting . When she got back to the front room , he started the album . She recognized the artist as Pat Benatar . She had never heard the whole album before . As the song , Hell Is For Children played she felt tears begin trickling down her face . He said , " It is horrible that some people do that to their children . When we have ours , it will not be like that . We will be marvelous parents . " © Jo Ann J . A . JordanWednesday , November 6 , 2013 Otherwise Entertained ( 13 ) Monday was the regularly scheduled game day at Ramsey 's house , but she was dreading it this time . She did not want the group to see her in her current condition . She was tired of wearing long sleeves already . She was a very warm natured person and she was overheating . At noon , someone knocked on the door . Her heart raced because she thought it might be Kelvin . When she answered the door , she found a woman holding a huge bouquet of red roses . She thought there was some mistake . Turning around and shutting the door she wondered why she had received such a lavish display . She limped to the bar and searched the arrangement for a card . She found it and opened the envelope . The message was scrawled in Tony 's handwriting . She found herself frowning with consternation . She did not understand why a man , who always said flowers had absolutely no meaning , would send her roses . He had never done anything like this when their relationship had been more loving . She sat down in her desk chair and stared at the flowers sitting on the bar . They were undeniably gorgeous , but she felt their beauty was tainted by his recent actions . She wished she could accept them as a lovely gift , but instead they bewildered her . Was she simply going insane ? Should she accept the gesture as one of love and good will ? She reached for the phone , but realized Yvonne would be in school at this time of day , and it was long distance anyway . She wanted to talk to someone who loved her , but would not react over - protectively as would her mother . Her family really could not know about this , someone would lose their temper and the consequences could be disastrous . Her male family members were hot heads who would not hesitate in using force to settle a score . Hurting a female was unconscionable , especially a female who belonged to them . She said , " I think I might be dreaming . This day is becoming extremely strange . Aren 't you supposed to be in school ? What are you doing here ? " He took her in his arms and kissed her . He said , " Does that prove you are not dreaming ? I took the afternoon off , senior privilege . I wanted to see you and thought this might be a good time . Does that answer your questions ? Are you still convinced things are strange ? " She tried to hide her pain and said , " Too many surprises . I think I need to sit down . " She stumbled as she stepped to the bunk and he grabbed her left hand . She gasped . He shook his head , " This said by the girl I have watched sprint up several flights of crowded stairs in four inch spikes when late to class . Tell me another story . I disbelieve that one . " " You forget I told you I care about you . I know you , probably better than the rest of the group . You think you can deceive me . You are forgetting who I am . Now look at me and tell me why I find you more broken than I have ever seen you , " he said . " Because you are one of the strongest people I know , and my questions have reduced you to tears . What did that son of a bitch do to you ? Did he figure out I had been here ? Is this my fault ? Other people may accept your stories or fail to notice something is wrong , but I am not other people , " he said in a voice roughened by his emotions . He roared , " You think this is none of my business ? You think I walk away when someone hurts someone dear to me . After so many months in my presence , you have learned so little about me . Come on Morgan , if you do not tell me now , I swear all of us will beat it out of him tonight . Don 't try my patience and remember I never make idle threats . " " I have heard about the bullies who tormented you . Did you make excuses for them like this ? Is that why your brothers never beat the crap out of them ? " He demanded . " Well , I 'm asking , and you are going to give me an honest answer or I am walking out of here and you will never see me again . Answer me now , woman . I will not ask again , " he said with such force it frightened her . " He came home a while after you left . We went to the Barbecue House for supper . He flirted with the waitress and left her a twenty - dollar tip . I drove to the theater and we saw a horror movie . When I was scared , he laughed at me . He refused even to hold my hand . He walked way ahead of me to the car and played the stereo so loud it made my head hurt . When we got home , he locked me out . When I stepped inside in the dark , he grabbed me and covered my mouth as I screamed . Is that enough to satisfy your curiosity ? " She said looking into his eyes . She nodded and continued , " I stumbled and he let me go . I fell hard on the floor and twisted my ankle again . He cursed at me and refused to help me up off the floor . He told me he had plans and told me to crawl to the bedroom . As I was crawling , he walked by me and kicked my left wrist . I nearly fell on my face . He got to the bedroom and turned on the light . He threw me on the bed and tied my hands over my head with rope . I really don 't want to say any more , is it not enough ? You don 't understand , I have to relive it all as I tell you . " She took a deep breath and began again , " He left the room and came back with a tumbler of whiskey . He took both our clothes off . He turned me onto my stomach and beat me with a whip . When I begged him to stop , he demanded I do what he wanted . I did it and he threw me back on my stomach . He took me roughly from behind . When he finished he drank some whiskey , lit a joint , and told me to leave him alone . I made it to the bathroom , untied my hands , and put on my bathrobe . I slept on this bunk . I woke up in pain . " " Oh my God ! I have seen some bad things , but this is too much . You poor darling ! No wonder you did not want me to touch you . You should have gone to the hospital . I can take you now . I have my license even though I don 't have a vehicle , " he said . " You would not let it go . Others would not either . Someone would get in terrible trouble . You have to keep it a secret . Tell no one ! " She said . She kissed him and put her arms around his neck . She said , " Thank you for not giving up until you got the truth and for listening . I needed someone to talk to about all of it . Why do you think he is being so nice now ? " He explained , " Probably because he feels guilty , is a coward , and thinks that being nice will save his ass by causing you to keep quiet about what happened . I am sure he knows he should have never treated you that way . He may be scared you will talk to the police . They would arrest him in a heartbeat after seeing your back . I will take you to talk to them if you want to go . " He kissed her gently and said , " You know someone should put something soothing on those welts . I do not know how you will avoid terrible scars . How can you trust anyone when he did this to you ? " She smiled , " Just because one person does something hurtful does not mean that another person is also cruel . Each one should be held accountable for his or her own actions . God calls us to let go our judgment of all others and love each other alike . Forgiveness is a gift of peace that we give to ourselves . " He said , " I knew there was a reason I admired you . Come sit in my lap for a few minutes before I leave . This has not been exactly the afternoon I envisioned . I do not pretend to understand why you insist I keep this secret and mete out no punishment . I will warn you not to come between our characters in Ambazzar . How are you going to answer questions from the others tonight ? They may not call you out on it as I did , but they are apt to wonder about anything you tell them . " She said , " I would like that very much . Now you should probably be leaving . I cannot imagine what he would do if he caught us together like this . I do not think it would be pretty . He was not even happy you carried me out of the woods . " She answered , " No , but there is some tension between you two . I have been watching it for months now . You are a leader , and I know he resents authority . " Otherwise Entertained ( 14 ) Sitting at her desk , Morgan thought about Kelvin . He would have a hard time carrying her secret and keeping his hands off Tony . She knew he never backed down from a challenge and always defended his friends . His admission of care for her put her in the position where he would want to fight for her . He was not a jock , but he had proven when he carried her from the woods that he was strong . Only her pleas that he not act on his feelings of revenge would keep him from beating Tony mercilessly , if those worked . She was unwilling to give up the game nights , but maybe Tony would fall away from the group . She knew there would be some repercussions for his treatment of her . Even if they did not know what happened , the others would probably sense something . Kelvin might not act in reality , but Kaos had no inhibitions . She heard the Camaro pull into the driveway and tucked the poem beneath some other papers in a desk drawer . Tony unlocked the door and burst into the apartment , the door banging against her desk . His eyes swept the room and came to rest on her face . He gathered their gaming things from the black metal shelf , gave her purse to her , and said , " Let 's go then . Is your ankle still hurting ? I can drive Katie for you . " He drove to the restaurant and opened her door for her . He held her arm , allowing her to lean on him as they walked inside . After they finished the meal , he helped her back to the car and made sure she was comfortably seated before starting the Cadillac . Tony came in with their books and gaming gear . He handed Morgan 's things to her and started to sit down near Kelvin who suddenly spread his books out into that space . Tony changed direction and took an empty chair across the room . Ramsey suggested they take a break and have some snacks . They all filed into the kitchen carrying on lively conversations about the game . Morgan noticed Tony sullenly refused to participate . Kelvin seemed determined to keep his distance from her husband . They returned to the den and Tony rolled a new character . In their next sally into the dungeon , Kelvin 's character , Kaos , again turned his weapons on Tony 's character . Tony was left sitting quietly in the background as the game continued around him . When the game broke up about an hour later , Tony left the house without a word to anyone . Kelvin picked up Morgan 's gaming gear along with his own and walked her to the car . Tony was already sitting in the passenger seat with the stereo blaring . Kelvin opened the driver 's side door and deposited Morgan 's gear in the back seat . He said , " Tony , don 't you think you should drive ? Your wife seems in no shape to be handling a vehicle . " She drove there and he slammed Katie 's door especially hard when he got out . She turned the stereo off and enjoyed the quiet . After a few minutes , he came out with a brown paper bag . He turned the stereo back on at high volume . When they reached the apartment , he jumped out of the car leaving their gaming gear in the back seat . She gathered it and limped to the closed apartment door . She was not surprised when she found it locked . She opened the door and stepped inside . She saw him pouring Bacardi 151 into a glass on the bar . He sat down on a bunk and began drinking . She sat in her desk chair and listened to the music . It was not as loud as he had played the stereo in the car because he could not afford to disturb the neighbors above or in the other basement apartment next to theirs . He answered , " It is not as late as some nights and I really need to calm down after this evening . I never realized how boring it was to just sit and watch the game being played . I wanted to punch Kelvin for killing my characters . Tonight was awful . I am not sure I will go Wednesday . I could go hang out with Michael while you were gone . " She said , " I am sorry it was not pleasant for you . I am also very glad you did not hit Kelvin . It would have been bad for a fight to break out over the game . Ramsey 's mother might have banned everyone from playing there anymore and that would be unfair to the others . " He said , " Yeah , I thought of that . I knew it was all an accident anyway . I have not been in a fistfight in years and did not want to hurt anyone . " She said , " It was good you thought about it . I would hate to see you in a fight . You might get hurt and that would make me unhappy . " He finished his drink and said , " I think I will head to bed . Work time comes early . Will you join me , I hate for you to sleep up here . " She said , " I will be back in a while . I have a few things to do before I settle down . I will slip in quietly without disturbing your rest . Sleep well with sweet dreams . " He left the room and then she heard the bedroom door close . She thought about what Kelvin had done during the game and smiled . She knew he would like to do something similar in real life , but she was glad he had restrained himself throughout the evening . She wondered what all of them would think of her coming to play alone , but she guessed she was enough a part of the group that it would make little difference . She took out the poem she had written that afternoon and read it again . It was not great , but she liked it . Maybe one day she could share it with Kelvin . He might like it , but then again some people had no use for poetry . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Books , Creativity , Friendship , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Movies , Music , Original Prose , Pain , Problems , Relationships , Story , Writing on November 6 , 2013 I had a very hard time getting this written . I am still uncertain I handled the love scene well . Fortunately , in the end the words began to flow and it got easier . Please be advised there are adult language , content , and situations in this post . If you were abused there may be triggers here . As always , read at your own risk . Otherwise Entertained ( 11 ) Morgan did not sleep well , troubled by uneasy dreams . She woke before the clock alarmed at 6 : 00 . She cooked scrambled eggs and toast for Tony 's breakfast . He grumbled about having a headache , but left for work without mentioning the night before . She turned on the small black and white television for a few minutes hoping to distract herself , but she found as usual that it did not entertain her . After turning the television off , she put Neil Young 's Decade on the stereo . The music provided a pleasant background for her to tidy the apartment . Side one of the album finished playing and cut off itself . She wondered what Kelvin was doing this morning , but guessed he would still be asleep . She showered , but before she finished dressing , someone knocked on the door . She grabbed her plush white terry cloth bathrobe , put it on over her underwear , and belted it tightly at her waist . She wondered who would be visiting this early on Saturday morning . As she passed the window , she noted that only Katie was in the driveway . The knocking continued and she opened the door . She was surprised to find Kelvin standing there . She stepped to the side to let him in and asked him , " How did you get here ? " After he shut the door behind him , he took her in his arms . His embrace was tender and warm . She wrapped her arms around him in return . She answered , " It seems to be getting better . Thank you for bringing me out of the woods . I do not think I could have walked so far alone . You seem more concerned about my ankle than anyone else . " They were still holding hands and she thought how nice it was . Kelvin slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her tightly against him . They kissed again and Morgan felt her body reacting to his tenderness . She looked into his kind brown eyes and said , " You are making it better by being here . I never dreamed you would walk this far to see me . It is not safe for either of us . " He kissed her again , and said , " Safety is overrated . Besides no one knows I am here , there is no car to give us away . I suppose that is one advantage of being the only person without a car at eighteen . I never before thought there was anything positive about it . " She put a finger to his lips , and said , " He has been pulling away from me for some time ; he hurts me with words and actions . I do not feel like I used to , I made a horrible mistake marrying him , but he was different then . I think some of it is the drugs he takes . I think those have changed him . I was not aware of that habit . I have tried to get him to quit , but he ignores me . I was so stupid . " Their lips met and the kissing went on for several minutes . She broke away from his mouth and snuggled into his neck , kissing him there . He pulled her onto his lap and slid his hands beneath her robe . She moved her hands over his chest . The phone rang , startling them both . She limped across the room to answer it . It was a telemarketer wanting to sell her magazines . She hung up . They lay down facing each other on the bunk and as they kissed , they explored one another 's bodies . The gentleness with which he touched her made her body quiver and tingle . There was no rush , no selfishness , and she reacted in kind . The piercing ring of the phone made them both jump . She got up to answer it , and took a few deep breaths before she lifted the receiver to her ear . She turned to face Kelvin as she said , " Hello Tony . " While he told her he wanted her ready to go out when he got home , she and Kelvin were making themselves presentable . Tony was getting off early . It appeared he had forgotten to tell her he wanted to go for dinner and a movie that evening . He slipped out the door , closing it softly behind him . She hugged herself and wished things were different . Wishing they did not have to worry about being discovered . They were lucky this time ; Tony could have come home without warning . She wondered what she was going to do . Nothing was as simple as it should be . She limped to the bedroom and put on jeans and an embroidered blouse . In the bathroom , she brushed her hair until it shone . She put on a little make up hoping Tony would be pleased . When he came home , he rushed past her , and slammed the bedroom door . He came out a few minutes later in jeans and a concert tee shirt . He grabbed a beer from the refrigerator . He frowned and said , " What makes you think I am driving ? You can do it just as well as I can . At least you are good for that . " She winced , thinking how different it was dealing with Kelvin . She wished she could walk away , but it was all so complicated . When she moved out of her parents ' house , she had promised herself she would never go back to that torment . Yet there was really nowhere else she could go . Better here with Tony , than there . The movie was another horror film . When she tried to hold his hand during the scary parts , he brushed her away . When she screamed , he laughed at her . Walking to the car , he strode off ahead of her . He turned the stereo so loud on the way home that it gave her a headache . He jumped out of the car when they reached the apartment and hurried inside . She found the door locked again . The lights were out when she came through the door . She reached for the switch and he grabbed her wrist and slipped in behind her putting his other hand over her mouth when she started to scream . She stumbled and he let go of her . She fell hard onto the floor . He laughed , " Not such a brave bitch now , are you ? Get up you sorry piece of shit ! Get to the bedroom ; I have a little game in mind . " She whimpered , and crawled toward the bedroom . She was grateful the floor was clean since she had vacuumed that morning . Tony passed her and kicked one of her hands from under her so she almost hit the floor face first . He turned the bedroom light on and she was grateful for the light . As she entered the room , he grabbed her , picked her up , and threw her on the bed . He took a rope and tied her hands above her head . He came back with a tumbler of whiskey over ice . He sat it on the nightstand and began undressing . He almost tore her clothes off . He rolled her over on her stomach and then she heard a hiss and felt a sting on her back . She cried out . She felt the sting again several times , and wondered what had given him this idea . She had known he bought a whip a while back , but thought it only a keepsake . He had never been this mean . He said , " Then get up and get me off . Since your hands are tied you will have to use your mouth , but you are good at that . Real good . " She did as he said , trying to think of something else . Trying not to dwell on the degradation . She knew she could survive this , knew she would be okay . She had already proven herself strong . After she had pleasured him once , he quickly revived . He threw her back down on her stomach and took her roughly from behind . When he was done , he finished his drink , lit his pot , and told her to leave him alone . She stumbled out of the room , leaning heavily on the wall , with her hands still tied . She went to the bathroom and managed to get the rope off after several minutes . She put on her bathrobe and washed her face . She limped to the front room and found her crutches under one of the bunks . She got a Diet Coke out of the fridge ; thanking God the episode was over . She hoped he would fall asleep , as he usually did after sex , and leave her in peace . She thought back over the day as she sat at her desk . She took out pen and paper to begin writing . She shook her head musing what a difference a few hours could make . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Books , Creativity , Fear , Friendship , God , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Music , Original Prose , Pain , Problems , Story , Writing on November 5 , 2013 Otherwise Entertained ( 10 ) After doing chores and a quick shower on Friday morning , Morgan decided to go shopping at Winn - Dixie . She needed to pick up a few things in case the guys showed up that evening . She limped outside and got in Katie . It was the first time she had driven since injuring her ankle , but she had suffered such things in the past and thought she could handle it . When she arrived at the store , she grabbed a buggy in the parking lot and hobbled inside . She put some chips , dip , orange juice , lettuce , tomatoes , Catalina , Ranch , and Thousand Island dressings , mushrooms , bell pepper , cucumbers , Froot Loops , milk , eggs , bread , hot dog buns , hamburger buns , butter , cheddar cheese , bologna , hot dogs , sliced ham , ground beef , grapes , oranges , strawberries , a bag of ice , Diet Coke , Sprite , and Coca Cola in the cart . While waiting in line she leafed through Cosmopolitan magazine , and glanced at the cover of Vogue . The woman rang up her purchases and she checked the total . She realized she had enough money to afford the magazines and asked those be added to her bill . She paid with cash and pushed the buggy out to the car . There was plenty of room for everything in the cavernous trunk . She drove home carefully , wincing when she had to stop at signs and traffic signals . Luckily , in the small town there were not many of those on her route . She unloaded the car and put all the groceries away . She noticed the spaghetti Tony had made several nights earlier was beginning to mold , but she was busy and forgot to throw it out . She was a little nervous about what might happen that evening . She knew Kelvin said they would be there , but there had been no calls to confirm and she was not sure which of them would actually come over . She had not been able to concentrate very much on making up a new game scenario . Her mind kept wandering back to the magical moments in the woods . She marveled that one kiss could so disturb her equanimity . Tony had been distant all week , as had been his demeanor for some time . She did not mind it so much , because her mind was elsewhere anyway . They did have sex a couple of times , but he was not tender or loving . It was just something to satisfy his physical needs . He had not been willing to take her to the hospital , so she was not sure how badly her ankle was hurt . He did nothing to make accommodation for her injury . When they went out , he had walked swiftly and left her behind him . She took a second shower , enjoying the caress of the hot water and the sweet smells of soap , shampoo , and conditioner . As she toweled dry , she wondered what she should wear . She picked out a ruffled white shirt , black jeans , and a belt with a large Celtic buckle . She had never worn much make up , but she did her face carefully that afternoon . She highlighted her hazel eyes with an extra bit of mascara and curled her long straight auburn hair . As she applied the deep red lipstick , she wished her lips were thinner . She could not help remembering the taunts of her peers who called her nigger lips . Fortunately , the bullying had ended when she left school . She did not miss it much , although she always enjoyed learning new things . She thanked Jesus again that she no longer had to wear glasses , but had contacts that made the world much clearer than ever before . She decided to leave the bandage off , not wanting to draw any attention to her foot by going without her shoe . The Nikes were comfortable and she thought she would be fine . She should probably be using the crutches , as she had most of the week , but that was something she did not care to do in front of the guys , especially Kelvin . Tony came home around 6 : 00 , and said , " What have you been up to today ? I see you cleaned yourself up nicely ; too bad no one cares what you look like . You are basically useless . " She replied , " I bought groceries and cleaned up around the house . You know your clothes do not pick themselves up off the floor and deposit themselves in the hamper . The bed would be a mess , as you left it , had I not made it . The dishes and the floor would still be dirty without my cleaning them up . I hope your day went well . " He went to the bedroom and slammed the door . In a few minutes , she glanced up and saw him walk naked to the bathroom . He slammed that door and she heard the shower come on soon afterward . She went to the bedroom and laid out an outfit she liked . He frowned at her , but did not complain . She was glad because she did not wish to argue over clothes . About 7 : 00 , there was a knock on the door . She opened it and found Kelvin , Ramsey , and Wagner waiting . They had their gear and some food . Wagner brought in a twelve pack of beer . Kelvin took the twelve pack and put it in the refrigerator then passed Tony , Ramsey , and Wagner each a beer . He began arranging the food they had brought on the bar . There were nuts , a box of doughnuts , and a loaf of banana bread . " Ah , same old , same old . You know I am ready for it to be over . You were lucky to meet your requirements in the first quarter . You have always been extremely smart ; it was not hard for you . I will be happy just to graduate on time , " he said with a rakish grin . She laughed , " I am only a C student . I was just determined and I left my electives toward the end so the study was not too hard at the finish . The math in my sophomore and junior years almost defeated me . It was doubtful I would pass at times . Those D grades blew the rest of my average . " There was a knock at the door , and Kelvin jumped up to open it . Cade , Jason , and Max poured into the room . They sat down on the bunks and Kelvin grabbed a few beer from the refrigerator . Morgan noticed he paused and shot her a puzzled look before closing the door . He handed out the brews without saying anything to her . Morgan put Black Sabbath on the stereo and moved back behind the bar . Things were not going as well as she hoped , but she thought a salad and sandwich might appease Tony . She fixed the food and took it to him because he had not had supper . " You going to be rude and offer food to no one else . What a bitch ! " He said and almost tumbled the plate and bowl from her hands . As they played in the dungeon , Morgan handed out more beer and fixed drinks for those who wanted something stronger . She noticed Kelvin and Ramsey were nursing their first beer of the night . Some of the others began to show signs of inebriation because the liquor was flowing too . She limped to the bathroom and locked the door behind her . After she washed her hands , as she was drying them , she heard the door rattle and Jason stumbled into the room . He stopped and locked the door , then turned to face her . She backed up and he reached out for her . He said , " I 've come for you , Morgan . I have been waiting for a long time . I 'm going to take you to Hell . " She screamed , knowing the others were only a few feet away . He grabbed her shirt and she slipped out of his grasp . She almost fell as she backed into the tub . She screamed some more , but there was no answer . Jason grinned at her and his eyes seemed to blaze . As he came closer to her once more , she said , " Get thee behind me , Satan ! The blood of Jesus Christ saves me . You have no dominion over me . Leave now ! " He shuddered , turned , and left the small bathroom . She crept out of the tub . When she looked in the mirror , she realized she was deathly pale . She straightened and buttoned her shirt where his hands had rearranged her clothes . " I just wondered , he may have quite a hangover the way he has been drinking . You have a good night and take care . We 'll see you soon , " he said and left . He tore her shirt and pushed her onto the bed . He pulled her clothes off and undressed himself . She focused on the owl across the room as he took her repeatedly . After he fell into a satisfied sleep , she got up and showered herself off . It did not seem to wash her clean though . She went into the front room and cleaned up the mess of the night . There were beer cans and glasses to be collected . There was not much food left , but the dishes had to be washed and put away . When she was done with that , she sleeved the albums and put them in the rack under the stereo . She sat down at her desk and took out her journal . Thank God , no one ever read it . There was no way anyone would believe this night . Posted by Jo Ann J . A . Jordan in Blessings , Books , Creativity , Disappointment , Friendship , God , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Original Prose , Pain , Problems , Relationships , Romance , Story , Writing on November 4 , 2013 I have a warning for you all who are reading going forward , there are adult language , situations , and content in the coming pages . If you think this might offend you , you probably should refrain from reading the story . I think I will be able to write without being too explicit , but at this point I am not positive where the story will take me . I would think it could get by with a PG rating were it a movie , but it might possibly be R . I don 't think I have what it takes to write X rated content . I did want to warn you though . There are also possible triggers for those who might have experienced abuse … As with all stories , you read at your own risk … When they got in the car after the embarrassing moments spent eating , she suggested they go home for him to change before going to Ramsey 's house . She did not want to sit through whatever comments might be lobbed at them if the guys saw him that way . He agreed and they hurried to make it to the apartment and then arrive for the game on time . She smiled at him , grateful for his kind remark . In moments , they were embroiled in a battle with giant spiders and somehow Celeste was killed . Kaos put her on his horse and carried her back to town . The party tried to find someone to resurrect her , but they found they did not possess enough gold to buy such a miracle . Therefore , she was burned on a pyre and her ashes were scattered on the water of a river . Morgan rolled a new character , while the others discussed the next adventure . She named the human magic user , Morgana , and rejoined the game . The rest of the evening , Kaos stayed near her , and Cornelius did not seem to mind . Morgan wondered at Kelvin 's interest in her character , but figured since his Kaos was a half - orc and Morgana had an eighteen charisma score that it might all be part of the game . After two hours of unrelenting game play , everyone packed up their stuff and went to the kitchen for snacks . Ramsey suggested they do something different since it was a full moon . He wanted to play a game of war in the wooded acreage surrounding the house . Evidently , everyone except Morgan had known about it beforehand , because they all simply went to their vehicles for flashlights . Tony went to the car and came back with one light . Morgan thought this would mean she was left out of the fun , but Kelvin went back out and came in with an extra flashlight . Sawyer decided to join the rest of them and Ramsey explained if someone hit you with their light , you were dead . They divided into teams based on dice rolls . Tony and Morgan ended up on opposing teams . Kelvin knew the woods because he and Ramsey had been friends almost as long as they could remember . He told her to stay close to him . Under the trees , the moon only dappled a portion of the paths . They all spread out and Morgan had trouble keeping up because she kept stumbling over roots . Kelvin seemed like he belonged in this environment as sure footed as a mountain goat . They had to keep their flashlights out so as not to draw attention to themselves and be killed . There were bursts of running and then times when they tried to move as quietly as ghosts . After about an hour in the woods , a couple had been killed . Kelvin began to move again and Morgan followed . She looked away a moment because she thought she heard someone else moving nearby . She somehow managed to fall down a small ravine . Her ankle twisted and she gasped at the sharp pain , but she could not call out because it would mean being captured or killed by the other team . She waited , hoping Kelvin would realize she was no longer with him . After several minutes , she heard someone approach on the path above . He slowly climbed the steep wall of the ravine . She was surprised he could carry her because he was rather thin and did not look very strong . When they got back on the path , he stopped . It was so sweet , and Morgan responded to kiss by returning it . She thought this was probably very wrong . In fact , she knew it was wrong , but now it felt totally right . He laughed , " Oh yeah . I knew this was no game for a girl like you . I would have made you walk . You want to act tough , you can be tough . " When Tony returned , Kelvin said , " You should drive home . It would not be good for Morgan to do it . Do you have an ace bandage to wrap that ankle in ? " Morgan opened the door and got in the car , when Tony turned on the ignition she rolled the window down and told the guys , " Thank you all for the great night . We will see you soon . Maybe Friday night at our apartment . " Kelvin said , " Yeah , we will see you then . " Tony drove home with the stereo blaring and did not even speak to her the whole way . When he parked in the driveway , he got out and went in the apartment leaving her in the car . She limped to the door and found he had locked it . She took her keys out of her pocket and unlocked it . When she got inside she saw he had already went to the bedroom and shut the door . She silently thanked God that she had her keys . She sat down at the desk she had used for homework growing up and thought over what had happened . She had not expected Kelvin to help her by toting her through the woods . The kiss had come as a total surprise , but she wondered if it would happen again . It was very special . She knew it should never be repeated , but she hoped it would be . She went to the bathroom and found the bandage to wrap her ankle . It was extremely swollen by now , but she hoped it was not broken . She went back to her desk , took out some paper , and began writing a poem . At least writing would keep her mind off the pain . © Jo Ann J . A . JordanMonday , November 4 , 2013 Share this : PrintEmailFacebookTwitterGoogleLinkedInPinterestTumblrRedditLike this : Like Loading . . . Blessings , Books , Creativity , Disappointment , Friendship , God , Gratitude , Love , Men and Relationships , Original Prose , Pain , Problems , Relationships , Romance , Story , Writing Bravery , Behind A Lens It takes courage toGo out alone not knowingIf friends will be there , Events are not quite my thingBut I took my camera … I could stand behindThat little window intoThe world without fear , Because after all peopleAlways smile in photographs . A few years ago , I could not have attendedA function where IWas very likely goingTo be a stranger to most . I am gaining someCourage as time travels by , I have learned to smileAnd hide my fears underneathA veneer of confidence . When I am takingPictures , I have a purposeTo keep me busySo others do not noticeMy total uneasiness . Jo Ann J . A . JordanSaturday , June 8 , 2013 I am grateful : 1 . I took a nap today . 2 . I had a nice outfit to wear . 3 . I decided to go to the Pebblebrook High School Spring Fling . 4 . Mom felt like being alone while I was gone . 5 . I took my Nikon D5100 and tablet . My Saturday was quite delightful , though I was quite nervous going out . I hope your day was full of pleasant surprises . Now , I urge you to put your creativity into action and make something to share with the world . You are definitely gifted with all the talent you need to produce art . People are awaiting your vision . As a prompt , write about something you have overcome . Your example might encourage someone else to be courageous . If you use this prompt , please leave a link to your work in the comments below . Thank you for spending some of your precious time reading my blog . I hope you will visit often , but you might also want to subscribe to Chronicles by leaving your email address in the space provided above . If you have thoughts , suggestions , or criticism to share , please leave a comment . Fear is the enemy . Fear is antithetical to love . When we cast away fear we find acceptance , peace , courage , and love . We are love ! 3 months ago I am not sure I believe I can do it , but I believe I should . I , then , must go resolutely into the future , making th … twitter . com / i / web / status / 8 … 5 months ago Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
The next day , Mari was as happy as a clam . She walked in the gardens a lot with Lizzi and Vale , learning more by the minute . She would inquire after the name of something she had seen or heard , and would ask about other things as well . But as they walked , Mari felt more and more as if she would be sick . Her stomach was aching and her chest was pained . Vale noticed her cheeks losing their color , and asked whether she was okay . Vale nodded eagerly and led her by the hand to the nearest bench . She sat and blew out the breath she 'd almost been holding . Vale sat on one side of her and Lizzi on the other . They sat for a while , and soon Mari began to feel better . She was about to get up , but decided not to . Without warning , Mari entered into a coughing fit . She covered her mouth and coughed painfully . Her throat felt raw and her head began to hurt . After a particularly painful cough she uncovered her mouth and was shocked and horrified to see blood on her hands . " Mari ? Mari , are you alright ? " Lizzi 's voice came as though from a distance , and the forms of Lizzi sitting next to her and Vale getting up and hastily picking her up faded . She could still feel herself coughing , but all thought seemed to cease . She knew she was being carried to the house but didn 't seem to care . Vale carried her to a spare room in the house and placed her gently in the bed . He rushed out of the room to call the doctor and left Lizzi to look after Mari . After about ten minutes , Mari had stopped coughing , but had lost a lot of blood . Lizzi was very frightened . She 'd never seen anything like this . The doctor got there soon after , and looked Mari over . Vale and Lizzi stood on the other side of the bed from the doctor silently , worried for Mari . After about thirty minutes of thorough investigation , Dr . Lay looked up and had on an expression of discomfort . Mari was barely aware of anything that was happening by now , and Dr . Lay said , " It seems as though she has some sort of respiratory problem . Though I must say that I 've never seen such a thing before . She had no symptoms aside from coughing blood ? " " She was feeling a bit dizzy I think , just before she started coughing . " Vale looked at the doctor , wanting to know if that information helped at all . Dr . Lay shook his head and said , " I do not know what has happened to her , but I do not think it was good … at all . It may be fatal . If she had kept coughing like that she may have died of blood loss . She got close today , even . " The Dr . shook his head . " No , no . I know that it is not anything contagious . I 've not had any reports of anything like this . I would have if it were contagious . You need not fear being near her . " The Dr . thought for a moment and said , " We could try taking an image of her lungs . It may at least give us more insight into the problem . But we should wait until you can safely get her to the clinic . When she can travel , take her to me and we 'll take a look . " Lizzi sat on the bed next to Mari and held her hand . Mari 's eyes flickered open and she whispered , " Lizzi , what 's wrong with me ? " It was so feint and she didn 't move much , and it frightened Lizzi , who knew her strong personality . " We don 't know . " She squeezed Mari 's hand to show that she was there and would not leave . Mari closed her eyes again and slept . " Hello , Mari . We heard the bad news and came right over ! The others are with Vale and Lizzi in the living room . Oh , how are you holding up ? Are you okay ? " Katharine talked fast in her fear . " I don 't think I 'm fine , Katharine . " She had never bothered with false hopes , and told the truth . She really believed that she might not ever be fine . And just when she 'd found a home , too . She sighed , and closed her eyes again . " So no more tree climbing for you ? " Tom tried to grin as though nothing had happened but couldn 't . By the time her friends had left , she was able to sit up in the bed . A maid would come in periodically to make sure she did not need anything , and either Vale or Lizzi was constantly with her , keeping her company and making sure she was not lonely or bored . Lizzi would continue their lessons in literature and Mari would pay the best attention she could , though she 'd get light headed sometimes . Vale would simply have intelligent conversations with her , which was a welcome thing to Mari , since where she had been before she came here , nobody bothered to assume she was smart . The fact that Vale considered her intelligent enough to have a conversation with seemed to make her very happy . On the third day of being bed - ridden Mari was strong enough to go to the Clinic with Vale . He helped her down the stairs , since she hadn 't been on her feet in a while and felt odd standing up . It felt good to get back outside when the sun hit her face . Even with the window open wide , she had felt confined in that room and it had made her uncomfortable at times . She smiled and closed her eyes and Vale let her just stand there for a moment before saying her name softly and beckoning to the car . Mari nodded and followed Vale to the car , getting in reluctantly . She still did not like the cars . She would much rather be in an open car , instead of one with a roof , and Vale rolled down the windows in the back for her , knowing that she didn 't like the confined place . She smiled and thanked him , and then looked ahead of her at the dark glass that separated the driver 's side of the car from the passenger 's side . She sat back in the seat and closed her eyes . She felt tired already from walking , and it made her feel weak . She could almost hear Marty yelling at her . " Why are you always so weak , girl ? ! I don 't even see why I decided to keep you ! You better be happy I wasn 't like your mother , just leaving you with people . " Mari sighed and opened her eyes again . She caught Vale looking at her and said , " What ? " She shifted in her seat to face him , sitting next to her . " Oh , nothing . You just looked troubled . " She looked away , and said quietly , " I was just remembering something Marty once said to me … It wasn 't something very nice . " Vale put his hand on her shoulder . Mari jumped only slightly ; having the thought of Marty still in her mind made her automatically weary . " You don 't have to ever think of Marty again , Mari . You 'll never have to see him again . You live in my home now , and he is not ever going to be welcome there . " Mari closed her eyes and nodded , driving Marty out of her thoughts to be replaced with thoughts of her new home . She 'd only been there for three months and some things in it were still unfamiliar to her , but she had grown used to it and the people in it . Vale smiled and watched her sitting next to him for a few moments , before shaking his head slightly and looking out the window at the things moving past . Mari eventually opened her eyes and looked out her own window . The rest of the ride was short and quiet . When the car rolled to a stop outside the Clinic where Dr . Lay worked , Vale got out of the car and walked to the other side to help Mari out . She was still a bit weak and awkward on her feet , so she needed help up the stairs of the building too . Once they were inside , she sat in a chair in the waiting room , and Vale went to the clerk who sat behind a desk . He came back in a few moments and helped Mari up , leading her to the room where the image - taker was located . Dr . Lay was in the room , and beckoned Mari to sit on a chair in front of a large machine . " This won 't hurt , will it ? " Dr . Lay smiled and shook his head . " No , not at all , Miss Mari . You won 't even feel anything . " She hesitantly sat in the chair , after a quick glance at Vale , who nodded encouragingly . Once she was seated , Dr . Lay maneuvered the machine so that the part that took the picture was right above where her lungs were . " Now , hold still , Miss . " Mari closed her eyes and waited . " All done , Miss . You can get up now . " She was surprised and opened her eyes to look around confusedly . " Didn 't you do anything ? " She looked at Vale , who smiled from his chair in a corner of the room . " Yes , we took a picture of the insides of your lungs . I told you that you would not feel a thing ! " Dr . Lay smiled and beckoned her to a chair next to Vale . " It will be about ten minutes until the pictures are ready . Would you like something to drink while you wait ? " Mari shook her head and sat in the chair next to Vale , confused . When the Dr . left the room , she turned to Vale and said , " What did the thing do ? It didn 't seem like it did anything . How does it even see things inside me ? " Vale smiled and said , " It sends little Z - Rays [ [ haha , a little parallel from our world ] ] at you , that go through things like skin and muscle . But your lungs will reflect them back at the picture taker in certain ways , so the machine knows how to paint the picture . " She didn 't understand a word of this and it was evident . " It 's confusing . Don 't worry about that , Mari . " He laughed and picked up the book he 'd been reading . She made out the title but didn 't understand it : Platypuses Revealed . At first she thought she was reading it wrong or mixing up letters . " Oh , this is just a book about a mammal that lives far away . It lays eggs like a bird . But that is odd because mammals always give live births . It 's a conundrum that has puzzled biologists for years . " Vale nodded . " Humans are mammals . And so are cats and dogs and horses . " He was happy to see her smile after so long being bedridden . When she 'd had to stay in that bed , she hadn 't truly smiled but for once or twice . " So Ginger Cat and I aren 't that different . " Though the cat had another name , Mari had gotten into the habit of calling her nighttime companion by the name of Ginger Cat . Vale smiled and said , " You 've both got long red hair . " Mari realized it was the truth , and smiled a little ; but she was uncomfortable that Vale should mention something like that . It gave her the impression that he was looking at her often , and that made her worry . She remembered what she 'd thought about that day … after the nighttime encounter she 'd had with Vale . I trust him too much … She just knew he was going to betray her trust … She was silent for the rest of the wait , shifting uncomfortably every once in a while . He had two pictures in his hands . They were on a sort of black plastic … or something … He put them on a bright white - lighted wall , and Mari gazed at the pictures of her lungs , in awe . The Doctor was silent for a moment , and Mari could tell Vale was staring at the pictures intently as well . She looked from one to the other . " What 's wrong … ? " She asked , her voice small . Dr . Lay looked up slowly and said , " Mari … There 's some sort of odd growth in your Lungs … " He pointed at a large white spot on the picture . She didn 't understand it though . Dr . Lay looked sadly at Mari , and said , just as softly , " It 's a kind of growth that infects the lung tissue around it . It will keep growing , until your lungs are so infected that you won 't be able to breath … " Vale shot a glance at Dr . Lay . " And that means she 'll - " He stopped abruptly when Dr . Lay nodded . Mari glanced from Vale and the pain that was evident in his eyes , to Dr . Lay , who was equally upset . " It means I 'll what ? " She asked fiercely . She stood up , but swayed a little , before Dr . Lay steadied her . Vale was looking down ; staring at the floor . " What 's happening to me … ? " She repeated , tears falling down her cheeks . " Mari , you have less than a year to live … " Said Dr . Lay . " Less than a year ? ! " Said Vale , looking up now . " That little time ? " Mari was staring blankly ahead of her . A year to live … only a year … Maybe less … The Doctor shook his head . " Even if there were a procedure we could use , the lung tissue is too precious to risk it . She would have more chance of dying than of living . If we had caught this earlier , we might have been able to do something about it . But it 's gotten too large to risk . " Vale nodded slowly , obviously distressed . After a few more minutes of question and answer , Mari was lead shaking back to the car . It must have been all that disgusting City air I was breather . . . She was so fidgety and unresponsive during the ride back home that not even Lizzi would have been able to get a single reaction out of her . It was just as well , because Vale was pensive as well . Neither of them noticed when the car had stopped , until the driver lightly tapped Mari 's window , causing her to jump as if she 'd seen a ghost . Shaking , she got out of the car , with help from Vale . He led her back up to her room , where she asked to be left alone . He nodded , and closed her door behind him as he left . Now alone , Mari collapsed onto her bed and cried . Lizzi walked into the house , and could feel the mood . She 'd heard the car pull up , and had come inside to see what news Vale and Mari brought . Worried by the silence of the house , she hurried to the living room , where Vale sat in his chair , his forehead in his clasped hands . " What happened ? " She asked . " What news did you get of Mari ? " The next day , when the others came to visit , Mari was still up in her room . She hadn 't even bothered getting up when Lizzi had come in . Ginger Cat sat on her chest , and she hugged him close , burying her face in his long fur . Down in the living room , Vale was explaining the situation to the others , while Lizzi sat silently , slightly pale . When Vale had finished talking , the room was silent and cold . Tom was the first to speak . Tom shook his head , refusing to believe that . " No … " He ran out of the room , to the garden outside . He was wondering why the sky could be so beautiful … so beautiful on such a horrible day . Without knowing it , he found himself leaning his head against the tree he 'd first met Mari in . It hadn 't actually been all that long ago , but it felt like so long ago now . He turned so that his back was against the tree , and slid down to sit on the ground , looking at the cloudless sky . Meanwhile , Mari had decided to go down and meet her friends . She figured she owed it to her friends to at least see them . She got dressed silently , and looked in the mirror at her hair . It was a mess … She managed to make her hair at least presentable , and wiped her wet , red eyes . When she went down to her friends , she found them all sitting in silence . But … Tom wasn 't there . She looked from face to desolate face , and tried to force a smile . " Why so gloomy ? " She asked . Katharine got up suddenly and rushed at Mari with a hug . Mari went stiff for a moment , but slowly relaxed and patted Katharine on the back . " I 'm still here you know . " One by one , everyone looked up , and said their hello 's . All , that is , except for Benjamin , who was silent and contemplative . " Where did Tom go ? " Mari asked after a few moments . Vale sighed , and said , " He went outside in a fluster … " He managed a half smile for Mari , who desperately needed to see them smile . " I think he 's very upset … We all are … " Mari nodded slowly , and got up slowly . " I 'll go talk to him … " She was glad that no one suggested she sit down , or not go alone . She wanted to show them she could still do the things she always had . She stepped outside , and shaded her eyes from the bright sun , becoming dizzy for a few seconds . When she regained herself , she made her way through the garden . Tom was not there , so she tried the woods . She spotted him , and smiled slightly . He was at her tree . He looked so sad ; he had his eyes closed , his head against the tree . She sat down next to him , and he looked over at the noise she made . He didn 't say anything . " Come on , a year 's a lot of time when you think about it … " Mari tried to make it sound like everything was going to be okay , when she knew nothing would . Tom looked over at her , almost mad now . " Don 't you understand what this means ? " He asked , a little harsher than he had intended . Tom also sighed , and looked down . " It 's just … " He started , and paused while he collected his thoughts . " I 've been thinking for the past few months that life would be great . We 'd all grow old together … " After a few moments , he said quietly , " And now I know that won 't happen . " Tom made up his mind , and turned to Mari . She looked over at him , and the intensity in his eyes scared her . " Mari , I - " He blushed ever so slightly . " I love you ! I don 't want to find out I won 't be able to spend my life with you … " Mari 's heart almost stopped , and she was suddenly so aware of how close she was to him … She backed up , and abruptly stood up . " Uh . " She looked around , and dusted herself down . " I … I have to go inside now … " She turned quickly , leaving Tom , wide eyed and stunned . He 'd never seen her so fidgety like that before . Was she appalled that he had feelings for her … ? Did she hate him ? Mari shut her eyes as she power - walked back toward the house , hoping with all her might that Tom would not follow her . She held her head in her hands , shaking it slightly . It 's not his fault ! How could he have known … . I made Vale promise not to tell anyone about what I told him . But why , WHY did he have to say that ? It was so easy to forget that he was a man when we joked around . Now the fact will be in the front of my head every time I see him ! And now I 've hurt him … She was getting dizzy now , and found a chair to sit in until she could make the rest of the journey back to the house . She sat back , breathing heavily and closing her eyes to the bright sunlight . After a few moments , she heard a noise , and looked over frantically to see Benjamin approaching . Oh , no … She still saw Marty 's face in Benjamin 's , and that made it even worse that he gave her special attentions . She watched him wearily as he sat down next to her on the bench . After a few seconds , he said , " How was Tom ? " Mari jumped slightly at the question , and said , " Oh … er , upset . " She looked straight ahead , and down . Benjamin nodded and sighed . " He has a very high opinion of you , Miss Mari . " He didn 't know just how high that opinion was . After a few moments more , he added , " We all do . " Mari just nodded . She was already in a bad state of mind to talk to him … what he was saying was not helping . " Mari … " Benjamin 's voice had suddenly changed . It was softer , slower . Mari looked over at him , scared of what she just knew he was going to say . " I 've had … fairly strong feeling for you since that day you bumped into me in town . " He was blushing . Mari tried to get up , but her legs failed her . She panicked , and said , " Oh , uh … " She blinked , and finished , " I 'm sorry … " Benjamin looked at her ; his feelings were clear in his eyes . " I love you . " It was nothing more than a whisper . . . Mari 's legs finally obeyed her commands , and she got up hastily at those three words , the words she never ever wanted to hear . But Benjamin reached out and took her arm , gently but forcefully . " Don 't go , please , " He said . At his touch , Mari screamed . It made him recoil , shocked and hurt , and Mari ran away , forgetting her dizziness . Two in one day … This week could not get any worse ! She darted inside the back entrance , and made her way - around the living room - to her own room , and shut the door behind her , turning the little key in the doorknob to lock it . She sat on her bed , breathing heavily and dizzy beyond her own comprehension . The three words she 'd heard twice already today spun in her head , and as she sat on her bed , her head gently fell on the pillow as she passed out . When she next opened her eyes , someone was banging on her door and shouting . " Mari ? Mari , are you okay ? " It was Vale … " Mari , oh please ! Say something and let us in ! " Mari let out her held breath ; Lizzi was there as well … She shook her head slightly , and realized she 'd left the key in the door . It was locked . How long was I out … ? She cleared her throat and said quietly , " C - coming ! " She scrambled out of bed and to the door , noticing as she looked out the window that it was dark out . She hastily opened the door , and Lizzi shot through , throwing her arms around Mari . " Good Lord , don 't scare me that way , Mari ! " She said , nearly in tears . It was Vale who answered . " It 's nearly one o ' clock in the morning , Mari . " Mari 's eyes widened , and she said slowly , " So I 've been out a while … " She felt like she was going to fall down , and Lizzi must have noticed , for she lead her to her bed . " What happened today , Mari ? Benjamin went to go see how you and Tom were doing , but he and Tom were both a while coming back , and they were both looking quite put out . " Vale looked at her from where he sat in the chair he 'd brought next to the bed . Mari hesitated , and said , " I think I just didn 't help them feel better about my condition … " She looked down , not wanting to talk about it . Maybe later , when it was just Lizzi with her , she would reveal what happened … Mari hesitantly nodded , not quite sure of the answer herself . " I passed out … I think I was up for too long . " She looked down , wringing her hands in her lap . Vale could tell there was something more to the story , but he didn 't want to pester her , so he didn 't ask . Instead , he got up , and took one of her hands momentarily . " Well , I 'm relieved you 're better . " He let her hand go , for she was fidgeting , and took his leave of her room , leaving Lizzi still sitting next to Mari on the bed After a long silence , Lizzi said , taking Mari 's hands in her own and looking her in the eyes , " Is that really all that happened , Mari … ? " She desperately wanted Mari to confide in her as a sister would . Mari hesitated , and then said , " Well … " After a pause , patiently accepted by Lizzi , she continued . " Tom said he loved me when I went to find him … " Lizzi 's eyes widened , but she staid silent . " But I was scared and left him abruptly without replying … and then on my way back to the house , I had to stop , and Benjamin caught me . " She sighed , and looked so forlorn . " And he said that he loved me too , and when I tried to get away he took my arm and I screamed as if a murderer were after me … " She got her hands back from Lizzi and covered her face in them . " And now I 've hurt them both ! " Mari blinked , and realized that she hadn 't told Lizzi about what happened two and a half years ago . She shook her head slowly . " I just don 't trust men … " Lizzi knew this already … She had never learned the reason though , and that hurt . She let her hug loosen a bit and said , " You trust Vale . " She said it very softly . Mari froze slightly , but she knew it was true . She did trust Vale . But at the same time , she felt certain that the trust would be betrayed when she let it show . After a long silence again , she sniffed and said quietly , to get her mind off the subject , " Will you brush my hair ? " It was a mess , all over her head . Lizzi smiled sadly and nodded . " But first , take a bath and get into your night dress , love . " Mari nodded , and slowly got up and made her way to the bathroom , and the tub she 'd thought to be magical at first . She took a quick but refreshing bath , and put on the soft , long night dress she slept in every night . When she got back out to her bed , Lizzi was waiting with the hair brush . Mari smiled a little , and closed her eyes as she sat on the bed with Lizzi behind her , pulling the bush gently through her light curls . As Lizzi brushed , Mari sighed , and said suddenly , " Has Arnold said he loves you yet ? " Lizzi paused for a moment , and said , " No , he has not … " Mari could hear the disappointment in her voice . " But he does . I can tell . " Mari said it with conviction . " He looks at you alone , and he 's always doing things just for you … " A figure passing by her room paused by her door , and looked in . They saw her shiver , and silently walked to her window , shutting it with a soft click . As they were going back to the door , they paused for a moment , and turned to stand next to Mari 's bed . They gently brushed Mari 's hair back from her face . Tom and Benjamin only stopped by briefly after that day . Three days had passed with only a few minutes with them . Mari was deeply upset … they must not want to see me . She looked at both of them for a few seconds when they stopped by the day after the Three - Word - Incident , as Mari had started calling it . She , Lizzi and Vale had been sitting in the living room reading , and a maid had come to say that their friends were here . Lizzi glanced at Mari briefly , and nodded . " Let them in of course ! " She said , sounding cheerful . Mari was looking up at the entrance of the room when the cousins entered , both trying to be cheerful . But Mari could tell they were upset … After an awkward few moments , Mari stood up and said , " Tom , would you like to walk with me outside for a minute or two ? " She needed to at least give an answer to his confession . He looked up , hopeful , and nodded . They left the room to go outside , but were silent . They got to a bench , and Mari needed to rest , so they sat down there . There was a silence … " Um … about yesterday … " Mari mumbled , and Tom looked over at her . She had his full attention . " I … I 'm sorry , but I can 't return your feelings . " There . It was out . Now what ? Tom looked crestfallen , but he seemed to have prepared for the worst . " But I still want to be your friend ! " Mari stammered , afraid he would hate her now . Tom smiled , and said quietly , " That 's okay , Mari . You 'll always be my great friend … " She could hear the pain in his voice , but she knew that Tom would move on . She didn 't think he was fickle , not at all . But she didn 't think he could stay so attached to someone like herself . She was so unsuited for this life , with her background and attitude . She didn 't know most of the customs of this area , and she still spoke with the hard slang of her childhood most of the time . She didn 't believe it was possible to love someone like her . But she said nothing of this to anyone . Not even Lizzi . Mari smiled , and hugged Tom . " Good . " Vale 's words from his birthday rang in her head now . " I wish you would let more people hug you . " She smiled , and got up . " I need to talk to Benjamin now … " She murmured . Tom looked up . " Are you rejecting him too ? " At Mari 's shocked expression , he smiled a little . " He told me . And I told him . We were at each other 's throats last night arguing over who would make you happier . " He laughed a little at himself , and Mari stayed silent until they reached the house again . " Yes , I 'm saying no to him too … " Tom looked over at her . " Hmm … " They walked back into the room where the others were , and Mari said , " Um … Benjamin … would you care to walk with me too ? " She thought she was being sly , but Lizzi and Vale knew what she was doing . Benjamin stood up too fast , and walked out the door to wait for Mari in the hall . They didn 't get far outside , when Benjamin turned to her , and said , " I am terribly sorry about yesterday , Miss Mari ! I did not mean to hurt you in any way ! " He bowed his apologies and kissed her hand , which he 'd taken in his own . Mari tried hard to keep from going stiff . " I - it 's okay … you didn 't hurt me ! I was startled , is all … " He looked up at her , and sighed . " I am relieved to know that I did not hurt you . " There was a pause , and then Mari gave him her answer to his feelings . " I , er … can 't return your feelings , Benjamin … " She looked down . Benjamin was silent for some time , and then hastily let go of her hand . " I … I 'm sorry to have disturbed you then … " He looked as if he was about to walk away , but Mari touched his shoulder gently . " It 's not you … trust me , it 's not you . You look like the person I hate the most in the world … I know you 're not him , but every time I see you , I can 't help but think of him … I like you as a person … but I couldn 't possibly love you … " She hoped she didn 't sound harsh . This might be a slap in his face . He was silent for a time , and then nodded . " I 'm sorry about that as well . If I could change my face for you , I would … " Mari smiled a little , and said , " Don 't do that . You wouldn 't be Benjamin if you did that . " She closed her eyes and hugged him gently , because if she had kept them open , she wouldn 't have been able to do it . The hug was brief and a bit stiff , but Benjamin smiled . She pulled away abruptly , but he didn 't look troubled by it . " Is there someone else then ? " He asked , slightly pained . " Someone else … that you love ? " Mari stopped walking , and stared into the distance . She didn 't want Vale 's image to pop into her head now ! No , I don 't love him … I don 't love anyone as a man , because that sort of thinking leads to bad things … No , I don 't love Vale … She shook her head to answer , and walked back into the house . The next day , no one showed up to visit , and Lizzi , Vale and Mari had the day to themselves . Mari sat in her tree after breakfast , thinking hard . Benjamin 's words kept playing in her head , and she tried to shake them away . But the words stayed there , and so did the image of Vale smiling at her , the feeling of him hugging her tight , his anguished expression at the doctor 's office … She closed her eyes and held her head in her hands . " No … Anything but that … " She didn 't want to be in love . Love was bad . It always ended up hurting you … and when a man and woman loved each other … No , she wasn 't going to think about it . Just push it out of your head . She sighed , and opened her eyes , turning her head up to the sky . " Yeah ? " She carefully made her way down the tree , slower than she would have if she had her full strength . " I 'm going to town with Anne . I 'll be home before suppertime , okay ? " Mari nodded , and waved at Lizzi as she made her way to the car . She stood silently for a few moments , and then went into the house to get a book to keep her mind off of the things she didn 't want to think about . She took the book off of her nightstand , and sighed before going back to her tree . As much as she tried to pay attention to her book , Mari found her mind wandering far too much . She remembered the day she told Vale about her past , about Billy … she remembered how he 'd helped her settle into her new life … how he 'd been the one to save her in the first place . She couldn 't get him out of her mind , and that scared her . You trust him , and he breaks your trust ! He 's going to break it ! He 'll break any promises he makes ! She covered her face in her arms , and let the tear drops fall as she was brought back to her past . She sat with Billy , looking at the happy child photos . Billy was ever cheerful , and was trying to make Mari see the brighter side of things . " Oh , come on Mari ! Life isn 't so bad . You eat , and you get to play every day with me ! " It wasn 't helping . " But I 'll never have a happy childhood . " Mari looked down , and Billy hugged her . Mari stood in the rain , staring wide - eyed at the scene of the accident . The driver was getting out of the car … He saw the lifeless , little body beside the car , and frowned , but didn 't seem all too disturbed . She could here the people talking … Mari pushed through the crowd of people gathered , and ran through the alleys . Billy … you broke your promise ! You 're not here for me … Where did you go ? Mari hiccupped and wiped her eyes , but the tears wouldn 't stop . Everyone she 'd known had broken her , bit by bit . And now she was paying for it . She couldn 't function as a normal 18 - year - old girl should . All she could do was weep . She inhaled sharply , and looked up from her hands . Vale was standing at the base of the tree , gazing up at her . " Mari , is something the matter ? " He looked frantic , and it made Mari wish she had not been thinking so much of him . That frantic look was added to the pile of reasons she loved him . After she had wiped her eyes more , she shook her head . " No … nothing 's w - wrong … " She climbed down the tree slowly , but refused Vale 's offered hand . She couldn 't be too near him in this state . Even speaking to him now was just about too much for her to take . " Is it time for lunch ? " She asked , drying her eyes once more , and adjusting her hat . Vale gazed at her intently , and made to help her stand . " Yes … Are you sure you 're alright , Mari ? " He spoke softly , and it broke Mari 's heart . No … " Y - yes … I 'm fine . " She patted down her dress and started walking toward the house , but lost her balance . Vale was by her side in an instant , and held her up . " You are not a very good liar , Mari . " He helped her stay upright on the way to the house , and helped her into her seat for lunch . No … No , don 't get so close to my heart … you 'll end up breaking it ! She and Vale ate lunch in silence . She managed to keep the tears down , and even put on a brave face , but she did not speak … and Vale was smart enough to see that speaking would do no good . If Mari had looked up at Vale at all , she would have seen the pain … and she would have wanted to cry . She stood up and said a quick , " May I be excused … ? " But she didn 't wait for the answer . She just got up … and she made her way to the door to go outside . A maid offered to help her , but she refused . Vale stood up , and followed her to the door . He stopped there , watched her walk to a bench ; watched her start to cry . He couldn 't hold these feelings at bay any longer . Mari held her head in her hands again , and couldn 't help crying . These feelings … they were bringing back too many painful things . Billy … oh , Billy ! And now Vale … He 'll betray my trust … break his promises … And then his arms were around her . She opened her eyes and didn 't know what to think . Why was her body reacting in such a way ? Her broken heart was telling her to run , run as fast and as far as possible … but her body would not move . She wanted to get away , but she wanted to stay . The pull to stay is stronger … " Mari … please tell me … what on Earth is troubling you so much … ? " Vale didn 't want to think that she was so upset about anything … He assumed it was the fact that she had so little time left … Vale blinked , surprised . " What about Billy , Mari … ? " He knew ; he understood how important Billy was to Mari . But he had never stopped to consider what happened to him . " He broke … broke his promise ! He said he would be there for me … and he broke it ! " Mari was sobbing into Vale 's chest by now , completely giving up on being stiff and mistrustful . Vale was silent for some time , and rubbed her back . He couldn 't control the throbbing heart in his chest . " Mari … did Billy … " Mari had been laughing and calling to Billy . They were playing tag in the streets , and she 'd run across the street . Billy was it . She hadn 't been looking … Billy ran after her , and the next thing Mari knew , she was watching Billy die . Hit by a truck . Gone forever . The little smiling face she depended on so much … gone . " It was all my fault ! " She repeated , after telling Vale the whole story . " No … no , Mari , it 's not your fault … Don 't blame yourself … " Vale had tightened his arms around her , held her head close to his beating heart . By now Mari had cried too much , and there were no tears left . " Yes … it was . " She hiccupped . " And he broke his promise … My best friend … only friend . He was such a happy kid ! He had so much to live for , and he died because of me . " Vale shook his head . " Shh , " he said , rubbing her back still . Mari didn 't say any more . She knew it was no use trying to convince him that she was right . And then suddenly , " Mari ! " Vale pulled her away from his chest a little , and stared at her for a few moments . Mari was scared by what she saw . " Mari , forgive me for this . I can not hold this in any longer . " The stress in his voice made him sound as he 'd never sounded before . He brought her head to his , and kissed her on the lips . He didn 't want to be too forceful , but he just couldn 't hold it in . For so long , he 'd wanted to do it , but had known she would never forgive him if he did . He 'd held it in ; let it build up until it finally burst out in a rush of emotion . Mari held her breath . What was happening ? What is he doing ? Why … why am I letting him ? ! I can 't trust any man ! She pulled away from Vale , scared and shocked . He 'd finally broken her trust . Now she wouldn 't know who to look to … She shook her head , and stood up hastily . " No ! I 'm scared ! " She held her hands to her heart , trying to stop it from beating so fast , so hard . She folded her knees up and hugged herself . Vale got on his knees in front of her , and hugged her tight . " I will never , ever hurt you Mari . " He said quietly . And Mari knew she trusted him , even now . " I promise , I will never hurt you . " Mari flinched slightly at that word . Billy promised too … But why did she trust him so deeply ? Even if she knew he would betray her , hurt her … she would still believe what he said . He could tell her the sky was green and she would see green when she looked up . " Mari … I know I don 't have much time with you … so I want to spend the rest of that time … as your husband . I don 't want to waste any of the precious little time we have left … Mari , be my wife . " Mari stared at the ground . This is … a proposal … of marriage ! She was silent for a very long time , and finally said , " Y - you promise you won 't hurt me … ? " She had stopped crying , and had let herself sit fully on the ground . Vale smiled , and lifted her chin up with one hand , running the other through her hair . " I promise . " It took all of his will power not to take her up in his arms and kiss her and caress her gently . And it took all of hers not to give in to the tingling in her spine when Vale touched her like that . " I promise … I promise . I promise … promise . " Vale repeated those words over and over . He wrapped his arms around her once more , and picked her up , alarmed by how light she was . He kissed the top of her head , and hugged her close , unable to let go . He led her back to the bench , and sat her down . He could not describe his feelings right now . He was … so relieved ; and yet , he was so deeply sorrowed that it was hard to stand . " Less than a year … " The Doctor 's words would not let go of the tight grip they had on his heart . " Mari … " He lifted her chin up again so that he could look at her eyes , those green eyes that made his days so much brighter . " Mari , I 'm going to kiss you again … " She turned her head away , still afraid , but Vale gently tugged it back to face him , and kissed her gently , much more gently than before . The first one had been … almost rough , too passionate . But this one … This one made Mari feel safe , truly safe for the first time in her life . Posted 7 / 15 / 09 Oh jam ! Vale and Mari , totally mindboggled at how fast this story is starting to pick up now ! ! ! S . R . Embie - chan quickly add more to this story purty please ^^ Report to Moderator Is that you 'll all call yourselves my friends Creator |
The two of us were sitting next to the window facing outside . This was my first time coming to Hongodai , and although the roads felt awfully wide , there still weren 't many shops at the station . The newly built apartment buildings were tidy and provided for a nice view - completely different from Ofuna , with its older , rundown buildings . It was already the end of February . Outside the window , I saw several women shivering in front of the supermarket as they waited for it to open . The weather looked like it could start to sleet at any moment . It wasn 't completely true that nothing at all had changed . Ever since the incident with Sakaguchi Shinobu 's book last month , Shioriko started talking about her mother more often . I say talking but it was mostly complaining . She 'd been saying things like , " She caused me a lot of trouble when she disappeared all of a sudden , " or , " She 's someone who never listened to what others had to say . " Still , it was refreshing to see her being open about her feelings . Perhaps seeing Shinobu earnestly talk with her mother from whom she had been separated for decades was still on her mind . " I don 't believe so … why do you ask ? " There wasn 't anything like that as far as I knew . I obviously didn 't know what she did on my off days like today though . " I was little curious after The Dandelion Girl was stolen . I think this only started after you started working there … but does Shinokawa sometimes do consultations with customers that come into the shop ? Dealing with book related troubles and the like . " " That 's what I thought . It 's something I 've been hearing from customers when I do home calls in Kamakura . Rumors about how the bookshop in Kita - Kamakura is now taking requests again . I didn 't think they were serious at the time though . " I couldn 't feel as optimistic when I remembered how far Shioriko went to protect her first printing of Daizai Osamu 's And Then . She also had a sort of obsessive mindset that she would do anything to get what she wanted into her hands . Even if she wasn 't conspiring with criminals , there was a risk that she would do something unpredictable . " I believe so … " Takino answered . " I don 't think she wanted to do the same things her mother did . In the first place , she 's always been extremely good with books , but not so much at dealing directly with people . " " Was Shioriko 's father aware of what his wife was doing ? " The smile disappeared from Takino 's face when I changed the subject . He took out another cigarette and lit it as he gathered his thoughts . " But the old man was , for better or for worse , earnest to a fault . He would not have helped with a suspicious transaction . On top of that , Shioriko 's mother was the one who handled mail orders and almost all of the inventory management . If he did have a slight suspicion , then there must have been a reason he chose to stay silent . " I took a sip of my now cold coffee . The number of mysteries surrounding Antiquarian Bookshop Biblia was only increasing . What was Shinokawa Chieko really doing at Biblia ? Why did she disappear ? Where was she now ? - and most importantly , how was she getting information about us ? Next to her stood her father , the previous owner of the shop . He didn 't look to be quite in his forties . He looked younger than I remembered , with a smile on his angular face . Next to him was a tall and slim woman looking to the side . She was holding a four or five year old child in her arms . That person was definitely Shinokawa Chieko , and the little girl was probably Shinokawa Ayaka . She was holding on to her mother 's neck and grinning at the camera . Although half of her face was hidden by Ayaka , I could see that Chieko was also smiling happily . Her clothing choice , of a plain sweater and blouse , and her long hair were strikingly similar to Shioriko 's today . " Because Shinokawa 's mother hated having her picture taken . I even heard there weren 't any wedding photos … actually , her daughter hated them just as much . That 's why the two of them don 't look especially happy in the photo . Her mom was probably looking to the side on purpose , come to think of it . Still , it 's a good picture . " I only remembered it three days later , when I returned to the store after buying lunch at a convenience store . I took the photo from my pocket as I stood in front of the house . Compared to the photo , the scenery had hardly changed at all . I stared at Shinokawa Chieko 's half hidden face . This photo didn 't show it clearly , but I knew what her face looked like . There was a painting featuring a woman exactly like Shioriko reading a book on the second floor of the main house and - come to think of it , I didn 't know who made that painting either . " I never know what kind of face to make when I get my picture taken . " Shioriko sounded despondent . " This picture was like that too . It always felt unnatural and I didn 't like it … I didn 't like my face in the first place … " That was an ambitious statement for me . A silence hung over the not busy road . She hesitantly took a glance at the picture at her chest and sighed deeply . " Thank you very much . " She bowed stiffly , and returned to the store shaking her head . She probably thought I was being considerate of her . Also , she never returned the picture . Shioriko said there wasn 't any need to take the car since the destination wasn 't too far . I matched her pace and we began to walk along the road parallel to the train station . There were barely any people going in the opposite direction of the Kita - Kamakura station ticket gates . We passed through a cave - like tunnel that was hollowed out in the cliffs . The rock ceiling of the tunnel was just over my head , so I ducked out of habit . " Yes , she grew up in Fukasawa , I believe . " Shioriko answered . That made sense since her mother used to be a regular customer at Antiquarian Bookshop Biblia . " No one lives there now . My mother said her family was gone , but I don 't know any details . Neither Ayaka nor I have ever met anyone from our mother 's side of the family … " The conversation lulled , and there was only the sound of her cane tapping the ground in the darkness . Even assuming that Shinokawa Chieko 's relative all passed away later , it was unnatural for Shioriko not to have met a single member of her mother 's family . There had to have been some sort of circumstances behind it . We turned right just before the railroad crossing , and began to walk up the sloped road . This was a road I was very familiar with . I always had to go this way when I walked from my high school to Kita - Kamakura station . The path on the slope suddenly became narrower . This part was near the mountains that surrounded Kamakura . The houses here were old and expensive from what I knew , but the cars parked in the driveways were almost all light vehicles . I suppose there was nothing that could be done about that given how small the roads were . We finally arrived at the end of the road and stood in front of a set of stairs that went even further up the mountain . If we went up the stairs and walked for about five more minutes , we 'd arrive at my old school . I hadn 't been here since graduating though . " No … it 's right here . " Shioriko stopped me just as I was about to start climbing the stairs . There was an old house surrounded by a tall fence in front of us . There was densely packed ivy crawling on one of the walls , but it was winter , so all of the leaves had fallen . A sign with the name Tamaoka was attached to the cracked concrete gatepost . Past the iron gate , I saw a single illuminated room facing the garden . The place somehow seemed miserable . I heard the door open and reflexively straightened my posture . A small woman wearing a black turtleneck sweater appeared in the doorway . Her hair was styled into what could be called a short bob cut with the bangs cut straight . Parts of her hair had streaks of white . If I had to guess , I 'd say she was in her fifties . " Sorry for coming so late in the evening . I - I 'm from Antiquarian Bookshop Biblia . We g - got a phone c - call ealier today … " Shioriko stammered helplessly as she introduced herself . " Shinokawa Chieko 's daughter , right ? " The woman smiled gently . " I was the one who called ; my name is Tamaoka Satoko . Please , come in . " Satoko said there was something she wanted us to see and led the two of us to a western - style room at the end of the hall . It seemed the room was used as a library , with its bookshelves with frosted glass doors lined up against the wall along with the ticket curtains draped over the window . There was also a chair with wooden armrests and a small table . Perhaps the owner enjoyed reading here . " This was my father 's library . He passed away two years ago , but I took over and have been managing it ever since . " Tamaoka Satoko explained . I felt something off about the room as I looked around . I felt like I had seen this scenery before - no , that had to be my imagination . I had never stepped into this house before today . " My father moved here almost 50 years ago , and often visited Antiquarian Bookshop Biblia in those days . There are many books here that were purchased from there , and many others that the shop bought from him . Did your parents ever say anything about my father ? Concerning what kind of books he bought , and the like . " " I see , " Satoko smiled to smooth things over . " That 's understandable , I suppose . He hadn 't been able to visit the shop since his legs started to worsen about ten years ago . I need to apologize for asking you such a strange question . " I also wanted to know . If it was something like selling off all of the books in the library , then a simple phone call would have sufficed . If all she wanted was to reminisce about her late father , then she wouldn 't have called Shioriko over to begin with - she didn 't know him . I gulped . I remembered how Takino told me that there were rumors going around that the shop was once again accepting requests . I couldn 't believe we were now being asked for consultations like this . " I cannot handle things the same way she would have … " After thinking for a while , Shioriko answered . " … but I would like to listen to your request , if you 're fine with that . " In other words , Shioriko wasn 't rejecting her . I felt a little uneasy about this . I couldn 't tell if it would be dangerous , but this case felt different from all the ones we had taken so far . Like Takino said , we should be cautious . The author was Miyazawa Kenji - a name that I of course knew well . His children 's stories and poems were always a staple in Japanese textbooks . I believe he was also the author of that famous poem where he brought snow from outside for his dying sister . " This is the first printing of Spring and Aura published by Sekine Publishing , isn 't it ? I 've never seen one in such good condition before … would be alright if I looked inside ? " Shioriko 's tone suddenly became eloquent . As usual , it was like she became a different person when she handled books . Before Satoko even finished speaking , Shioriko took the book in her hand and took it out of its case . Anyone could see she was excited . The cover of the book had some sort of plant design printed all over it . On the spine were the words Poetry Collection Spring and Asura Miyazawa Kenji . Even an amateur like me could tell it was an intricate , refined design . For a book that old it was certainly in excellent condition . There was hardly any yellowing or tears to be seen . Clearly it had been well taken care of . " Of course ! " Shioriko answered right away . " Miyazawa left behind many works , but the only ones that were published in his lifetime were the children 's stories and fairy tales collection The Restaurant of Many Orders , and Spring and Asura , which we have here . Both were self published … and did not sell well at the time . The author had to purchase a number of the books himself . " The author made such a significant number of revisions to it that even after many years , scholars debate which version is definitive . This isn 't something rare in Miyazawa Kenji 's works . Even for this Spring and Asura , the first printing isn 't necessarily … ah … . excuse me . " Shioriko blushed and apologized to Satoko . " Oh that 's quite alright . In that cause maybe I should tell you a few things about this book too . I heard a lot of it from my father , however . " Satoko smiled gently as she faced us and began to explain . " You know , after the first print of Spring and Asura , Miyazawa 's reputation went far and the number of people who loved his books increased . My father was one of those people . He brought this book in the 30th year of the Heisei era , about 50 years ago … even back then , this book was rare and was seldom seen even in bookstores in the city . " She explained without the slightest hesitation . It seemed Satoko was also a bookworm . Though I supposed it would come as no surprise that a bibliophile was old classmates with Shinokawa Chieko . It sounded like this was related to why we were called over . Shioriko poked my elbow and had me look at Spring and Asura when I leaned forward to get a better look . The title was printed on the opening page . The sudden typo was off - putting , but it looked like that wasn 't what Shioriko wanted me to see . A red stamp had been marked under the word " skech " . I felt like I had seen this stamp , a hydrangea within a square border , somewhere before . I gasped . I had seen this exact same stamp on my grandmother , Goura Kinuko 's , copies of Natsume Souseki 's complete works - with the exception of Volume 8 : And Then . After receiving And Then as a present from someone , she bought the rest of the collection from Biblia . " Yes . All of his books had this stamp imprinted on them . It 's because he loved hydrangeas … even growing them in this house was his desire . " " My father did in fact have two copies of Spring and Asura . As you might have guessed , the second was also purchased from Biblia . Your mother , Chieko , was the one who sold it to my father about thirty years ago . " " Chieko would come over to play sometimes when we were in middle school . She got along well with my dad . He was quite taken by her and often gave her books as presents . He really enjoyed talking with young people who loved books , I suppose . " She did . She focused specifically on history and said she was doing research on publishing and distribution in modern day Europe . She had various things she was interested in , but she seemed to like that one the most . " " But she only stayed in graduate school for a few months . Due to family reasons , she had to drop out and start working . Chieko didn 't like talking about herself much so I don 't have the details . Do you know anything about it ? " " About half a year after she started working at the shop , Chieko gave my father a call and asked if he would be interested in buying a first print of Spring and Asura . She found it while doing a home call with one of her clients and ended up buying it for some tens of thousands of yen and well … offered it to my father . She knew that he was collecting first prints of Kenji 's work . " I could sympathize with her words . It was like Shioriko had said before … old books contained stories in and of themselves . Their value could not be determined by price alone . " It was my own family that stole the book . Either my older brother or his wife … one of the two . That 's why I don 't want to make it public . " " My brother inherited the sports shop that my father owned along with the rights to the building . I inherited the house … and was also given responsibility over the books in this library . Half of the collection was to be donated to the new library of his alma mater once it was built . The other half would be sold to Biblia . " Let me continue . It was decided that most of the books , including this copy of Spring and Asura , would go to the library at my father 's alma mater once it was completely built . However , my father left a single book behind for me … and that was the book he had bought from Chieko . It was my favorite book among all the ones he had . " My older brother , Ichirou is three years older than me and his relationship with my father … no , his relationship with me isn 't too good either . He helped my father with the shop , but moved out when he was young . Now he lives in Takano with his wife and son . " His house isn 't far from here , but he rarely visited . After my father 's legs started to deteriorate , he began to have even less contact with my brother and his family . He rarely saw them , with exception of my nephew who occasionally stopped by to beg for pocket money . I 've had only a handful of phone calls with him since my father 's funeral . " Anyway , about a month ago , my brother suddenly stopped by for a visit . He said he didn 't have any business and just wanted to chat since we hadn 't seen each other in so long . When I mentioned that half of the library was sold to Biblia as we talked over tea , the color of his face changed . He asked me to hand over half of the money I got from Biblia since it was also part of the inheritance . " I 'm sure they deliberately chose a time when they knew I 'd be at home . My aunt had come to visit a few days before , and I told her about my plans to garden on Sunday . My brother and his wife must have found out from her . " But my temper cooled down as I stood by the gate and saw them off . I thought that perhaps I had been too harsh that time . I went back into the house and walked back to my father 's library while trying to think of other ways to convince them . " I 'm certain the book was there in the library when I was cleaning it that morning , and have no doubt that it was either my brother or his wife that took it . Both briefly left their seats during the conversation , so they definitely had an opportunity . The doors to the bookshelves don 't have locks either . " I 'm not concerned about the money . If my brother was in trouble and asked me to lend him some , then I would have helped him to the best of my ability … all I want is for the book to be returned to me . I want you to identify the culprit and convince them to return the book . Of course , I also intend to pay you what I can . " As I said before … I don 't know how much I 'll be able to help . " Her tone was more passionate , stronger than usual . " That being said , I want to help you fulfill your father 's final request . Please , raise your head . " It felt like I had gotten a glimpse of a different side to Shioriko . This was a case that she chose to accept ; not one she had been dragged into due to circumstance . While she certainly wasn 't good at dealing with people , I supposed that didn 't mean she disliked them . " I don 't believe my brother knew that there were two copies . He had already moved out of the house when my father purchased the second one . My copy of Spring and Asura was in the library , but he must not have known that it wasn 't among the books that were going to be donated . I doubt he even realized there were two different books . " " Her name is Sayuri and she 's 41 , maybe 42 years old . There 's a big age difference between my brother and her , but she used to be one of his employees . They started a relationship outside of work … and eventually got married when she became pregnant with my nephew . She still works as his right - hand man even now . " No wonder . If the store really " wasn 't doing well , " then both of them would be in financial trouble . It made sense that they 'd leap at an opportunity to make money . " I know my brother used to read books from my father 's library , but I probably couldn 't say he 's well - read . I don 't think Sayuri has any interest in reading though . I remember my father smiling bitterly when she said she didn 't know a single one of Takuboku 's poems . " " I brought my brother and his wife to this room at about 11 o ' clock or so . " Satoko looked at the pendulum as she scored her memories . " About 15 minutes in , Sayuri left saying she needed to make a phone call home . She had left her cellphone at home , and asked to borrow mine … and went into the hallway holding her bag . " " I 'm assuming in order use the black phone in the hallway . " Shioriko replied . It seemed she had memorized where things were placed in this house at some point . " No … I was still arguing with my brother during that time , so that would have been impossible . Sayuri returned after five minutes or so . A short time after , my brother left for one , maybe two minutes to use the restroom . They didn 't leave their seats at any point after that . " It felt like the brother was more suspicious to me . I had used the restroom myself earlier and knew it was right next to the library . He could have pretended to do his business and instead gone into the library to take the book . His wife also had the opportunity , but it would have been difficult for someone who was not familiar with books to choose the correct one out of the many in the library . " Rather than seeing them off , it was more like the argument continued out to the gate … I was agitated and should have known better … " Satoko answered hesitantly . It must have been a fierce argument in its own right . Shioriko placed her fist on her chin and looked down at the table . She was probably organizing the events in her head . Perhaps there might even be some clue in all of this . Her handwriting was child - like , and it was hard to read characters . Looking at it closely , the tip of the pen was shaking - she had probably been unable to stop herself from trembling . It was obvious just how important this book was to her . " I 'm so sorry for giving you such an unreasonable request . There 's no one else I can turn to for help . " Satoko 's eyes were wet with tears as she handed over her brother 's contact information . Tamaoka Satoko 's older brother , Ichirou , had his shop headquartered just off the highway . It was located on Dobuita Street across from a theatre . There was an American military base in the city , so the abundance of English signs didn 't seem strange . The tall employee organizing the racks of sportswear suddenly turned to look at us . He was a tanned muscular man who for some reason was wearing an orange short sleeved polo despite the season . His slicked back hair was black , but there were deep wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes . " Call me Tamaoka . My sister already told me what 's going on . Shall we get started then ? " Tamaoka clapped his hands and rubbed them together . " My wife and I left our house in Takano at about 10 : 50am that day . Since there are no shortcuts by car , we had to go the long way around and got to the house at about 11am . My sister was at home working in the garden at the time , so we went inside to have a conversation . It ended up turning into a big argument though , and we left without even having lunch . We did a little shopping after that and didn 't get back home until about 12 : 30 . Without even being prompted , Tamaoka Ichirou began blathering about the events of that day the moment he took a seat . We were currently in a family restaurant near his sports store . It was still too early for lunch , so there were only a few customers around . Tamaoka 's deep voice rumbled all the more conspicuously . " That was Chieko right ? Your mom . She came to our house to play from time to time so I know her . She was an unbelievably beautiful girl … just like you , in fact . You 're a very lovely woman , " he said quite boldly . Personally , I thought he was extremely suspicious . Why was he acting so friendly when he knew we suspected him of stealing the book ? It made no sense . " That 's right . Be it The Restaurant of Many Orders , or Matasaburou of the Wind , it 's a name that appears in many Kenji stories . My friends used to tease me saying it was an old fashioned name . I don 't know why my father specifically gave it to me though . " Now that was something I could relate to . My own name Daisuke came from Souseki 's And Then . In my case , the reading remained unchanged though . " I don 't mean to brag , but I read a lot . Even more back when I lived at the old house . " Tamaoka replied without a second of hesitation . It definitely sounded like bragging . " My father didn 't know it , but I used to voraciously read the first print books I took out of his library . I became especially became familiar with the first editions of Spring and Asura and The Restaurant of Many Orders . Even now I don 't have any interest in reading the more recent publications . Those first editions were perfection you know … erm , not that I 'd go and steal them or anything . Even if I were the thief , I 'd aim for Kenji 's other work , The Restaurant of Many Orders . That one 's much rarer . " " That said , that would mean my wife stole the book , wouldn 't it ? Well , I wouldn 't put it past her … ahh , even if she did do it , hypothetically speaking , it wouldn 't have been out of malice . Our store 's been in hard times and things haven 't been easy for us . " Now he was starting to treat his own wife as criminal . I really couldn 't like this guy . Call him insensitive , or irresponsible or whatever … was he really not the culprit ? " I wasn 't necessarily implying that your wife stole the book . " Shioriko responded as matter - of - factly . A few wrinkles appeared on her forehead above her glasses . " There are various other possibilities … even if you didn 't take the book directly , it would not be out of the question for you to have orchestrated the theft . " " Well , there 's no helping the fact that I 'm being suspected . " He leaned back on his chair and put his fingers behind his head . " Did Satoko talk about me much ? About how her relationship with me is terrible , and how I never visited Pops and stuff like that ? " " I know what I did to Satoko is hard to forgive . The care of our father was all pushed onto her , and I barely helped even until the very end . She hasn 't even married at that age … though I suppose personality might also have something to do with it … but in retrospect , we certainly should have been more aware of her troubles . " Tamaoka now spoke solemnly . Tamaoka suddenly smiled broadly . " Yes , exactly right ! You really are just like Chieko . We used to talk like this and she always got every quote right . " He had a distant , nostalgic look in his eyes . " Indeed , she truly was a beautiful , wise , yet kindhearted book girl - completely different from my own book loving sister , Satoko . I always used to think how nice it would be if Chieko was my sister instead . How is she by the way ? I haven 't heard any news of her from my sister . " Our work for the day was still not done . Now we were going meet Tamaoka Ichirou 's wife . I started the car and began to drive away . " I can 't say for sure how much involvement he has in this case but … " Shioriko answered . It seemed she wasn 't happy about this either . The wrinkles on her forehead had not yet disappeared . " Please remember our conversation with Tamaoka Satoko yesterday . She said that her brother showed up empty handed didn 't she ? Even if he did pretend to go to the restroom and steal Spring and Asura from the library , he would have had nowhere to keep it . He was only wearing a thin sweater , and hiding it in pants would have been difficult . " " While that certainly is true , I don 't believe Ichirou was as knowledgeable as he claimed . It felt like he was just regurgitating what he heard from other family members . At the very least , his story about avidly reading the first edition of Spring and Asura was a lie . " " I do . " I nodded with my hands still on the steering wheel . I was pretty sure this was the version I used to see in my textbooks . They really were different . The version in the first printing sounded gentler , but the version I knew felt like it had a nicer rhythm . I couldn 't say which one was better . " Of course . " Shioriko nodded in the passenger seat . " There are a number of revisions throughout the book … in fact , he left behind several revisions of Spring and Asura , to the point that it 's believed that there are still revisions that have yet to be discovered . " Meaning there were a great number of updates . Come to think of it , I know Night on the Galactic Railroad had some revisions . Spring and Asura was probably similar . " Until the very end , Kenji considered Spring and Asura to be a collection of " mental sketches . " What 's collected in the book aren 't poems , but a rough sketch of the thoughts he had at the time that he then wrote down . The author himself never called this work a " poetry collection " . Perhaps he saw it as a rough sketch that could be fleshed out and polished over time . " " That had nothing to do with the author 's will and was arbitrarily added in after . Spring and Asura was considered an elaborate book for something printed in the countryside , but it was still it was far from Kenji 's ideal . There were many grievous misprints , you see . " I can 't say that yet . I believe there are still other possibilities to consider . " She didn 't elaborate any further . I supposed she would explain what she meant after our talk with Sayuri . We passed a tunnel and entered the city of Zushi . It was still only noon . It was starting to look like we had a long day ahead of us . Since there weren 't many customers on this early March weekday , we were able to snag a seat with a wide view of the ocean . This somehow felt like it could be a date . I was curious about what Shioriko thought , but she didn 't seem to think anything of it . A part of me wanted to talk about something else , but still , it was an interesting conversation . We finished our lunch , and she was explaining over coffee how Kenji 's earlier collections were deeply connected to antiquarian bookstores , and how he may not have gotten published at all if it weren 't for their support . As she spoke , I realized that there was a middle - aged woman in a checkered purple coat standing next to the table . " Ah , yes … it 's a first print of Miyazawa Kenji 's Spring and Asura . " Shioriko 's voice was a little shrill . As always , she was having trouble talking to someone who spoke bluntly . But I was sure her switch would be flipped soon and she 'd start feeling more comfortable if we continued talking about books . " If that 's what you want to call it . " Her voice was dripping with sarcasm . Unsurprisingly , it seemed she didn 't think kindly of us . " It was just before my son 's entrance exams . He likes to slip away and slack off the second I take my eyes off him , so I was calling to make sure he was actually studying . He can also confirm that it 's something I do often . " " He was , and I talked to him for about five minutes . I drank some tea from a plastic bottle after I hung up and went back to the guest room right after . I had a slight cold that day , you see . " So that was the reason she left the room holding her bag . The amount of time she said she was gone matched up with Satoko 's account . It would have been difficult to finish up a phone conversation and then sneak off the library at the end of the hall to steal the book in that short time . " … Yes . " After a moment , Shioriko answered decisively . I couldn 't understand why it would be necessary , but clearly she had something specific in mind . " I suppose it 's fine then . Just make sure not to mention anything about a stolen book . Don 't ask about anything that 's not related to the phone call . " " That 's right ; or more accurately , I hate reading . I said that the first time I met my father in law and barely ever talked to him after that . He was someone who couldn 't get along with people who didn 't like books . " " Really ? That much ? Unbelievable . " Sayuri 's eyes were shining and she set the cup down with a clatter . " I knew the books in that house were worth a lot . There 's more benefit in selling them than in having them donated . She doesn 't need to be that stubborn about it . " " So she was rich after all . " A long sigh came out from her pale , parched lips . " Saying something like that so easily , she definitely grew up wealthy . My husband is similar … it 's somehow childish . " " That family really was sloppy with the inheritance . My husband mainly got the shop and Satoko the house in Kamakura . However , the store was saddled with lots of debt and , well , it 's not like it 's going to fold at any moment , but it hasn 't been easy . While I was running myself ragged , I heard that a number of valuable books were going to be donated . I thought , why not sell them and split the profits equally ? No one would lose that way . " So those were the circumstances . It seemed she also had her own problems to deal with . I could understand why she would be so insistent on selling the books . " Ah , yes … I heard from Satoko … umm , may I ask you one last question ? " Shioriko raised one finger . " When did you make the decision to visit Satoko 's home last Sunday ? " Sayuri stopped moving midway into putting her arm into the coat sleeve . She narrowed hear eyes and looked out the window , searching through her memory . Outside , a boat riding a wave could be seen returning from the open sea . " I think it was during breakfast on that day . We wanted to talk with Satoko about selling the books , but couldn 't figure out what would be a good time to meet her … then my husband mentioned that she was probably going to be cleaning the house that morning . We left shortly after that … did you have any other questions ? " It was probably to prevent yellowing and dust on the books . The books in the library were all behind shut glass doors , the books themselves couldn 't be seen very clearly . Those were the words of someone who had never stepped into the room . That wasn 't to discount the possibility that it was a calculated statement , though . She had been avoiding making any definite statements on that . It didn 't feel like she was recklessly evaluating the statements we heard today . Rather , she seemed to already have an idea of what happened . " I don 't have a definite conclusion … " After a brief silence , she answered . " … but I believe we 'll be able to find the book by today . " |
Ouija Board Experiences from around the world . Reader submitted stories , personal encounters with the Ouija Board . Do you believe a Ouija Board could be used to contact the " other " side ? I am a 13 year old boy that is fascinated with the paranormal . I use Ouija boards to pass the time , and I started talking to this one ghost , he was an African slave , his name is Diowam . He told me cool stuff and what not , but I felt some spiritual connection with him . I would see apparitions at times , but they were mostly shadows . One day , when I was using my Ouija board , I asked if it was Diowam , and it said " NO " . I felt uncomfortable . I asked who it was . His name was Heckley , born in England , died in the 1700 's . I felt an evil presence from him , so I asked few questions then closed down the board . Suddenly , my lights start flickering , which they never do , NEVER . I ran into the other room to tell my dad what happened . He said , " Don 't worry it will be alrig - " before he could finish his sentence , his eyes widened and he said , " They 're not finished with you yet , " he said it in a controlled way . I freaked out and saw a shadow of a man in a hood behind him . I never talked to that demon again , because I knew he was horrible . My other friends Diowam is cool though , I trust him with my board and only him . I know what he looks like now . He is a silver statue . He protects my friends from demons when they visit me , and he burns away any hatred in our house . He tells me of the future , and of the past . This is a warning to anyone who will use a Ouija board , be careful , people have died from possession , and it could happen to you if you do not know what you are doing and let your will fade . Only talk to spirits you trust , find a spirit you like , and stick with it , if someone else appears , close down the board and ask them to never talk to you again . But remember , it is not a toy and must be handled with extreme caution . I 'm very sorry if you are confused about this story . My friends had asked that I don 't share their names . I remember the date exactly , July 10 , 2010 . My mom decided to throw a graduation party . I had told her that I was only graduating eighth grade , but she insisted we have one . It was a family party , but my mom said I could invite five friends . We had fun . My mom set up a thirty three foot long slide for us to use . We had water balloons and great food . It was the best party we 've ever thrown . Out of no where , my mom decided to have a big sleepover for me and my friends . She ordered even more food and got us some two liter pops . One of my friends had to leave though because she had things to do in the morning . After our stomachs were full , we turned on the TV . My friend was rummaging through the cabinets and found our Ouija board . She smiled and laughed at me . " Dude , these things are so fake ! " she said . I rushed over to her and grabbed it from her . Unfortunately , all of my friends were intrigued . They were saying how they wanted to try it . Sighing , I grabbed the board and sat down . " These things are dangerous guys . It 's not a toy . " I said , warning them . Of course , they didn 't listen . I explained to them the evil things the boards can do and the rules . They were excited and one of my experienced friends put her hand on the planchette . I placed mine on it , too . My friend said the words I was dreading to hear . " Ouija are you there ? " Slowly but surely , it went to yes . Before my friend could say anything , I asked the question " Are you from the sun or the moon ? " Hesitantly , it moved to the Sun . I didn 't think of the hesitating at the time . I guess I was just glad it wasn 't from the Moon . " What is your name ? " My friend asked . It didn 't reply . " What is your name ? " She said again and it went to ' A ' and then to ' Z ' . I looked at her . " That 's not his or her name . It 's too short . " I said , my voice shaking . " Are you good or bad ? " I said . It didn 't move . I asked my other friend to take my friends place . " What is your name ? " I asked and it moved . It spelled out " ROXIE " . When I confirmed the name , my friend , who was sitting there silent the whole time , jumps back three feet . She starts crying . My friend , who was doing the Ouija board before I replaced her , rushed over to her and placed her hand on her shoulder . As soon as she touched her , she couldn 't breath . My friend quickly withdrew her hand she could breath again . I rushed over to her and looked at her . Her eyes were weird . It definitely wasn 't her . I knew that for a fact . Then she shook her head violently and looked at me . She looked around and said the words I didn 't want to here ; " What 's going on ? " She said . I looked at her . " You seriously don 't know what just happened ? " I said . She looked at me and shook her head . No one knew what just happened but me . My eyes grew wide and saw an image in my head . It was of a girl 's neck getting sliced . " Did you feel anything ? " I asked . She said all she felt was something like chopping at her neck . Two of my friends and I went upstairs on the computer . We searched ' Ouija Board Rules ' . We found out that if you let the board go through the numbers or though the letters , it is letting the ghost escape from the board . We looked at each other and ran downstairs . When we got down there , we saw my friend , the one who got attacked , staring at the Ouija board . My friend who had stayed down there with her was trying to get her attention . She was focused on the Ouija Board . " I wanna play . Please , can I play ? " All she wanted to do was play the Ouija Board . My experienced friend and I agreed that she was attached to whatever she was attacked by . To this day , that ghost is in my house . It will feel like she 's grabbing your throat . We believe it 's to show you how she felt when she died . That night was the scariest night of my life . My Ouija Board is locked up in the attic . Don 't ever take the Ouija Board as a joke or a little toy because it most definitely isn 't . I 've been reading stories on here ( speaking of TrueGhostTales . com ) for a while and decided it 's time to submit my own . My story doesn 't involve any bad things . Let me explain . I lost my sister and nephew in June of 2002 to a freak medical mishap . She was 7 months pregnant with said Nephew and suffered from an aneurysm . She and the baby died . She was only 22 and needless to say this rocked the family . The death happened at her baby shower also . So it was a freak thing all around . Well forward to a few years later my mom came to me and told me she had been playing around with a Ouija board with some friends and that she was talking to ' Danielle ' , my sister . At first I thought she was crazy and told her she was stupid . Well she finally convinced me to ' sit in ' on it with her friends . When they first started they asked things like ' Is anyone here ' and the normal things . Then it got personal . My sister said she was there and was telling us things that only my mom and I would know about her . It seemed very , very real . I was never scared but almost at peace because I felt like I could tie up any loose ends with her and such . A few random things happened like my mom got ' poked ' in the shoulder and immediately the board said ' gotcha ' . Then in another instance the phone rang and after the board said ' why didn 't you answer ' . I was always told not to mess with Ouija boards and that they invite evil into your life among other things , but after playing around with one I 've never had any bad experiences . This in itself kind of scares me because I 'm wondering if potentially a demon was manifesting itself as my sister ? Also could I have a demon in my life that is just ' idle ' and waiting for the right time to come out . I regret messing with that board and am afraid something terrible will happen sometime in my life . This all started when I bought that Ouija Board . I always wanted to get one , because I am a believer , even though I never saw a ghost . The burning dumpster changed that . The Ouija Board was one of the new ones , that 's made out of plastic and glows in the dark . I thought it was a little unnecessary , but I couldn 't find anyone who sells an actual Ouija board that doesn 't glow . Then came the day that Justin killed himself . Justin is some random college guy in the college apartments I live in . The dumpster was only 20 feet away from my house , with a potential ghost . I was hooked . At first I didn 't believe that Justin killed himself . His girlfriend moved out an hour after his death , and Justin left his portion of the rent and his house key in their kitchen before dying . That doesn 't seem like a suicide , but more like a murder . Plus the fact that Justin died by hopping into a burning dumpster . What suicide victim kills themselves like that ? We set up right next to the dumpster and placed our fingers on the board and moved it in a circle to warm it up . I decided to be the one to ask the questions , so I asked as specifically as I could . Someone told me a long time ago to not ask vaguely , or a demon could show up and haunt you forever . I asked , " Is the spirit of Justin here ? " After a few seconds , the planchette moved slowly to Yes . This is the beginning of Carl 's nervous breakdown . I smiled and asked , hoping Justin wouldn 't get offended , " How did you die ? " Nothing happened for a while , so I asked a different question , " Did your girlfriend kill you ? " Quickly , the planchette moved to No . I gulped , knowing Justin was probably angry . I asked , hoping it couldn 't get any worse , " Why did you commit suicide ? " The planchette sat there for a few seconds , before slowly moving to spell out " BECAUSE " . I sighed , knowing Justin wouldn 't answer any other questions . I packed up the board , and went home . My first exposure to the Ouija Board was when I was 8 years old . My sister lived in the country in a very old house and my mother and father took me to visit on the occasional weekend . My sister considered herself a " conductor " or medium and said she could guarantee an enjoyable time with the Ouija Board . Now my Dad liked to get drunk and fall asleep on the couch in the evenings , so mum , my sister and me would use this time to play on the Ouija Board . My first experience concerned a contact my sister made with a person called Nanna Sharples . I was terrified . My mum wasn 't involved but was watching and she almost had a heart attack . This person was a violent figure in my mother 's past . She had never mentioned this name to my sister or others in the family because of how much it hurt her to remember . Let 's just say it got mum 's attention . Mum decided to get involved and we all put our finger on the glass . The glass was spinning aimlessly around the board . Sometimes fast , sometimes very fast . Now you can imagine the noise the glass makes on the table . My dad was asleep and we were all sitting at the table asking " is anybody there ? " continuously . Suddenly my dad sat up and said " if somebody is there could they please keep the noise down so I can bloody sleep ! " Bad move ! The glass was flung from the table and into the wall . Shattered . We all decided to call it a night . I went to bed and almost immediately started to have a series of terrible nightmares . I was dreaming of being pinched and scratched . When I woke up throughout the night I could feel burning on my legs and torso . The next morning I was having a shower and I looked at myself in the mirror and I was covered in scratches and bruises . I showed my mum and she began to get hysterical . It turned out that this was something that she attributed to her Nanna Sharples doing to her when she was a child . It seemed that her Nanna would punish her sadistically by pinching her and scratching her . All the while laughing . We left the country house and returned to the city . I didn 't have those dreams again . Worse was to come . One night I went to bed around 8pm . I could hear scratching in my wardrobe . I sat up and saw the door open slightly then slam shut . The scratching continued . I could feel a rush of pins and needles coming over me as I lay in that bed ( I am feeling them again now as I write . ) I was hiding under the covers and I could hear what sounded like laughing coming from under my bed . I was being poked through the mattress and I am talking poked ! I was being prodded and the mattress started to move violently beneath me . I yelled for my mum and dad . They came into the room and naturally could not find a damn thing . So frustrating . I was attending a Catholic School and decided to mention my story at the next Show and tell . I had nothing to show , but I had plenty to tell . The teacher called me out after class and we both went to see the Parish Priest . I gave a recount of my story to him and he sat there just studying me . He told me that he believed everything I said . He told me that it would happen again to me but not to be scared . He told me to say out loud " I cover myself in the blood of Jesus Christ who died for our sins " Anyway I didn 't quite know what to make of all this but it was easy to remember . A couple of nights later I was lying in bed and I could feel my chest tighten and the pins and needles returning . I quickly remembered those magic words and I have to be honest and tell you that the pins and needles went away and the tightness I was feeling subsided . I wasn 't bothered again . Now the story doesn 't end yet . I was having a sleepover at my cousin 's house and it was in the middle of summer . His bedroom was quite warm and we had a fan going to keep it cool . We decided to tell scary stories and of course I decided to bring out the old Nanna Sharples Story for him . Bad and stupid move . The room went so cold that we were both shivering under the covers of our beds and we saw a dark shadow creep across the ceiling in his bedroom . I thought it was my eyes but my cousin made the comment just as I was thinking it was only me that saw it . I quickly brought out the trusty old sentence the priest had told me and my cousin caught on pretty quick . Once again the room was warm and it seems to actually get brighter in the room . I think the dark presence had been in the room observing us for a while because it was like my eyes had re - adjusted from dilation . My story starts off like many other stories you have read , I 'm sure . My husband is in the military and is currently deployed . On Friday nights , a few of my girlfriends come over to my house for girl 's night . We usually cook dinner , watch a movie , have a drink or two , and often times we play a board game . Friday night , about three weeks ago , the girls filtered in around the usual time ( 6 pm ) or so . Everyone was there except for one of the ladies . We all got started cooking while we were waiting for the last woman to arrive . ( We were making lasagna . ) When all of the prep work was done , and the pasta was in the oven baking , the door bell rang . It was the last lady . She came inside and apologized for being late , but she said that she wanted to stop and pick something up on her way to my house . She held up a box still wrapped in plastic . It was an Ouija board . Apparently , she stopped at Toys - R - Us to get a new game and decided that this would be a lot of fun . The other girls squealed with delight . ( I used to be a very active member of my church back home , but haven 't really even attended regularly in a long time due to moving around so much . Anyway , I have a healthy wariness of contacting spirits . ) I didn 't want to be the wet blanket of the bunch , so I went along with it and pretended to be excited too . After dinner and some chatting , we went into the living room and opened up the Ouija board , lit some candles and turned out the light . We each placed two fingers on the planchette . The plastic felt so cheap under my finger tips . I was telling myself that it wasn 't going to work , after all , it was from Toys - R - Us ! I was still nervous though . We decided to go around the circle and take turns each asking a question . I started . I asked if there was anyone with us . We waited a moment for a response , but nothing happened . My friend next to me asked the same question , again nothing happened . The next person asked if anyone wanted to communicate with us . The planchette slowly moved to YES . We all gasped and accused one another of moving it . The next person asked the name of the person who moved the planchette . It responded , SILAS . We began asking Silas dumb questions like ; what my dog 's name is , how old one girl was , answers everyone there already knew . We never really asked anything about " Silas " other than what its name was . After asking it a bunch of dumb questions , we decided end the session . I wasn 't scared while everyone was there with me , but when they all left , I started to feel uneasy . I slept with the lights on that night . A few days later , I still felt wary being in my house alone . I always felt like someone was there . I kept telling myself that I was being silly . I didn 't really have any reason to feel that way until the beginning of last week . I started finding things in odd places . For example , instead of my keys being on the key rack by the front door , they were in the bathtub . I found a glass broken on the kitchen floor , my DVDs were all over the living room , and early this morning , my bedroom door slammed shut . It scared me so badly . It 's a 4 day weekend and my friends are with their hubbies . I 'm scared to be alone , and none of this stuff seems to be happening to any of them . I have been praying for protection and telling whatever seems to be here to go away , but it 's not working . I 'm not sure what to do . Sent in by Zoey , Copyright 2010 I was in England , where I live , and it was raining hard . Typical weather for February in England . The sky was gray and cloudy , and it was very cold . Around 2 pm , I got a call from my friend Flo , inviting me to stay the night . So I packed my things and my mum gave me a lift to her Flo 's house . She told me that our other friends Amy , Seth , John and Jasmine were also coming . Flo lives in a small house , owning acres of land . She has fields of horses and also owns part of a forest that starts in her garden , the forest stretches on for miles . We were in her room , and we talked until about 3 pm . We got hungry and decided to go down for some food . When we got down , Flo 's parents were looking in the basement . We went down to see them , and to see what they were looking for . Turns out they had mice down there , and Flo 's dad was setting traps and her mum down there giving him a cup of tea . I saw something that looked interesting so I said " hey Flo , what 's that ? " Flo looked over and picked it up . It was a Ouija Board ! " I didn 't know we had a Ouija Board mum ! " said Flo . Her mum told us that it was hers when she was our age , and that she tried it but nothing happened . As she no longer believed it worked , she let us use it . We got some food then brought the board back into Flo 's room . We decided we would do it late at night , we thought it would add to the effect a bit more . Flo 's parents left for the night , because her mum was a singer and was doing a gig in a far away pub that night , and decided to spend the night in a hotel . At about 1 am , we remembered the Ouija Board . We found some candles from downstairs , and got a lighter and light them and turned out all the lights . We sat in a circle in the middle of Flo 's room . They decided to let me conduct it , as I really wanted to and ( according to them ) knew what I was doing more then any of us . I began . " If there is a spirit among us , please come forth . " I said , quite loudly . Nothing happened . " Please give us a sign " I said again . Then , the pointer began to slowly shake , and then it moved . It spelled out : W - H - Y - - A - R - E - - Y - O - U - - H - E - R - E . We were all shocked as we thought it wouldn 't work . We looked at each other . Amy burst out laughing , and said " alright guys , who moved it ? " We all looked at each other . No one had moved it , no one was laughing , and everyone looked serious , so they couldn 't have . Amy suddenly looked as shocked as we were . " Ask it something " , John said . " What is your name ? " said Seth . It spelled out N - O - T - H - I - N - G . We carried on asking questions for about 2 hours . Then , I said " why are you here ? " and it spelled out T - O - - K - I - L - L - - Y - O - U . We got to freaked out to carry on . We were too scared to go to sleep too , so we decided to talk and forget all about the Ouija Board , by hiding it at the bottom of Flo 's wardrobe . At about 4 , we started dozing off to sleep . But then it started . There was a mug on Flo 's shelve , still there from her last cup of tea , and it randomly fell off and smashed . It made us all jump and wake up . We all just sat there staring at it . " What the hell just happened ? " I asked . Jasmine looked at me . I looked back at her , then to Flo . " I have no idea what the hell that was " said Flo , " did someone do that somehow ? " We all knew that that was a stupid question , because the shelf was the other side of the room , and we would of heard someone get up or do anything . And they wouldn 't have managed to get back into there sleeping bag that quickly . " It was probably the wind or some - " Jasmine got stopped mid - sentence but a loud bang coming from the wardrobe , then the curtain raWe buried that thing . We never heard / saw anything else about it , but I still , to this day , have scar 's going all around my ankles . Turns out that the board didn 't work for Flo 's mum because they were in a new house , and that house wasn 't haunted and was very new . Flo and her family moved house in the end . And I swear to you that this story is true , I would gain nothing if I made this up . Believe what you like , but I know the truth , and that 's all that matters , and it did happen . I own my own Ouija board and I took it over to my best friend 's , Nikki , Kirstee , Rebekka , Trish , Jason , Harry and Lachlan , house because after our first attempt , Rebekka was difficult to convince it worked , even though when we did it for the first time the Earth candle blew out . My good friend , Mandy , who owns and occult shop explained that that was because Rebekka was off with the Fairies that night , instead of focusing . Well , we set the table up , with the elemental candles in the correct spots and began speaking with a woman . But when we asked her where she was from she started counting down . Moving from ' 9 ' all the way down to ' 0 ' . When it hit ' 0 ' Kirstee 's baby , Lachlan began crying . Kirstee was a little freaked out and requested that her twin , Nikki , go with her into the bedroom because she didn 't want something to kill her , or whatnot . She settled down Lachlan and came back out , the Ouija board was unattended too as we grew bored and the board only worked with her . ( Which I know , do not leave an Ouija board without closing , but this ghost had been different from some of the others , no one had counted down before . ) Well Kirstee was the first one to touch the shot glass and as her forefinger touched it , the glass spun around the Ouija board , making Kirstee swear loudly . As soon as we touched the glass it stopped , and Kirstee , clearly freaked out , didn 't touch it again , so we said goodbye and closed the ' door ' . But that night continued to get creepy . The house is usually shut up and they never have windows open or anything , but the rooms we occupied suddenly got cold and we felt as if something was breathing down our necks . When I stay over I usually share the bed with Nikki because we 're as close as sisters and I could still feel as if someone was in the room , watching us . Nikki could feel it too , and Nik , is a wuss , so basically she was hiding under the covers . I saw something contort in the corner of my eye and I sat up to see what it was . This dark mass was forming in the corner of the room closest to the bed . Truly freaked out at this time I called out for Jason , Kirstee 's boyfriend , and the black mass thing seemed to twist towards me and began to kind of slither over towards me but it dissipated when the door opened . Jason cautiously came into the room , saw my face and asked what had happened . I guess my face looked unnaturally white ( I 'm very pale to begin with ) and scared out of my wits . I tried to explain what I saw but it came out as distorted as the dark thing , that I 'm going to call a shadow . Since then , I have seen it once , when I was going to the bathroom . It just continued to twist and knot itself and didn 't seem aware that I was there . When I walked back out of the bathroom I haven 't seen it since . I still use my Ouija board , but I make sure to burn White Sage incense because it helps to purify the space and make sure to say good bye properly . Me , my boyfriend James and my friend Mark were chilling at James 's house when James and I decide to go outside for a cigarette . Mark doesn 't smoke so he stayed inside watching the TV . As soon as we got outside Mark comes outside . That 's when I came up with the idea to do a Ouija board as I knew James always missed his dad and would love to talk to him again . They 're all up for the idea so I make one out of paper , mark letters and vital words and numbers on the board and we all sit around and start asking questions and we started receiving answers to them , everything was going fine and James got in touch with his dad . The glass then moved to ' goodbye ' and it was at that time Mark thought he would be funny and draw a pentagram onto the board . We then left the board as we thought it would be too scary to carry on with a pentagram on the board . We leave the room to go into the kitchen to make tea . We sat in the kitchen for a while talking about what we had just experienced , Both Mark and James were still in denial that we had really contacted spirits so we decided to try again and try to get proof that we were talking to spirits . When we got back into the room we were shocked to find the glass was on the pentagram . We all looked at each other in horror , the glass had been in the middle of the board when we had left . We sat down and asked if there were any spirits present . The glass moved to ' yes ' . We asked who we were speaking with and the glass spelled out Satan . We looked at each other , wary of what we were getting ourselves into , despite our growing fear we continued to ask are you here to hurt us ? and the glass moved over to yes , in a growing panic we asked which one of us it wanted to hurt . The glass started edging towards me . We asked why , the glass spelled out ' Wiccan . I was shocked as neither Mark nor James knew I was Wiccan . James started pleading with the spirit not to hurt me , eventually the spirit gave in . We then started talking to the spirit who claimed to be Satan , we asked it to make the dogs bark , and sure enough , the dogs started whining and barking , at this point we started getting kind of freaked out . We asked it to interfere with the TV , and sure enough the TV went blurry . At that point we heard something buzz in the corner of the room . I got up to check and to my horror I found a dragonfly dead and hanging upside down . We decided that that was enough for one day and put the board away . The next day , my doorbell rings and Mark is there . He starts recalling his night of terror to me . ' Laura , last night I was in bed , the covers started pulling off me , I pulled them back up and they pulled all the way off . My light started flickering , the glass that was on my nightstand shattered and I heard a woman scream right outside my window ! ' I spent a while trying to calm him down , then we decided to try again and see what Satan 's problem was . James had stayed the night that night so he was in the room waiting with anticipation . We took out the board and asked if Satan was there , the glass moved to yes . We asked if he was to blame for the strange things happening to Mark the night before and undoubtedly the glass moved to yes . I started to get uncomfortable in the position I was sitting in so I moved to lay down on my side and continued asking questions . The glass started moving towards me and rubbing against my nipple . I got freaked out and sat back up . The glass then spelled out ' I want her ' . James looked at me and said no . Then the glass spelled out ' she is mine now ' I got really creeped out . Then I felt a really cold breeze between my legs so I got up and left the room . After calming down a little I came back and continued the session . The glass moved to spell ' welcome back ' for a few minutes we sat there in silence trying to take everything in . The glass started moving . It spelled ' I 'm a sex addict too Pam ' we were all very confused . Then Mark says ' Oh my god ! On the TV , a girl called Pam just stood up and said ' My name is Pam and I 'm a sex addict ' This did it for all of us . We got so creeped out we put the board away . Just as we did that , a poster of mine fell from my bedroom wall and out of nowhere Mark 's phone turns on and the song ' Number of the Beast ' by Iron Maiden comes on . We decide to take out the board again and see what he wanted . As soon as we did the glass started moving to spell ' Pregnant ' so we asked who was pregnant and the glass edged over to me . We looked at each other , the glass moved to spell ' mine ' . I couldn 't take it so I once again left the room . James came out and gave me a big hug and said we would be okay . We returned to the room to find Mark shaking in the corner of the room . We asked what happened and all he could do was point at my underwear drawer . A load of my more intimate pieces were on the floor . We took out the board again and told him to stop . The glass moved to no . We decided to provoke it . We asked if he was so evil then why is he not here to hurt us . The glass spelled out ' You too cool to possess ' We looked at each other and didn 't know which way to take it . It was at that point we decided to put the board away for good . The next day Mark called over again and said his phone turned on again playing Number of The Beast . He was very shaken . One thing the board said really stuck with me . So I went out and bought a pregnancy test . Low and behold it was positive . I was immediately on the phone to James . We sorted things out and now everything 's fine . We all still get paranormal activity centering on us . And the incident was over two weeks ago . We haven 't touched the board since and don 't intend to either . Ouija boards are not things to be taken lightly . 2 . Say the following prayer , " I invite those spirits who are only for my highest good . Any spirits who come through who are NOT for my highest good are to be absorbed into the white light of protection , harming none . " 3 . Dress appropriately 4 . If you encounter a malevolent entity , say " in the name of Jesus Christ , I command you , foul spirit to leave " . Hi , my name is Jennifer . I used to play with the Ouija board and will never play it again . Me , my best friend , and her sister started watchi . . . I 'm Karin and I 'm 19 . I 've recently moved into an older home with my best friend and her dog . The first two weeks we moved in . . . This is a very true story . I always thought the Ouija board was a bunch of crap until it happened to me . Not trying to scare anyone , but r . . . |
It was a pretty calm day around here . Laundry and cleaning . The girls both fell asleep while I was doing some work . They looked so sweet asleep on the couch . They had gymnastics this evening . I am so surprised at the strength Abby has gained . I am so proud of how hard she works at it . Mckenzie too , although tonight she was a little hard to reign in . Posted by Another Monday . . . Abby did great when I dropped her off today . I am glad she was in a good mood to go to school today . Mckenzie and I hung out at the house . We did a little cleaning and a little Care Bears watching . She loves them ! I did a little more online Christmas shopping today . I am trying to avoid buying all toys this year . I want to get them things they can use for a long time . Scott was done with work early today so I went to pick Abby up by myself . We took the girls to the park this afternoon . The girls and I played while Scott went for a run around the track . Abby wanted to run too , so we all did a lap together . She is quite the little runner . Barely winded after running over a half mile ! This evening we worked on the tree mural for Mckenzie 's bedroom . It is almost finished ! I am so excited to see the finished product ! Mckenzie must have liked it too because she hugged the wall ! Today we got up early and went to church . It is the first time we have been to church here . It was a very friendly church and the message was good too . The pastor talked about making the most of each day , asking yourself at the end of the day if you made a difference in anyone 's life and living through God everyday . He was able to keep the message short without skimping on the message . Very enjoyable ! And the kids behaved ! I mean , no tantrums , no loud talking . It was amazing ! ! ! I think next week we will check out the contemporary service a little later in the morning . Our kids were the only ones at the early service and I would like for them to have some interaction too . We did breakfast at a nearby diner which was pretty good too . We have eaten dinner there before , but not breakfast . We came home and hung out the rest of the day , watching football and playing with the kids . I ended up taking both girls with me to the grocery store since the Vikings game was on and the kids didn 't want to stay home . I should have left them at home . It was not a fun trip . Mckenzie fell asleep in the cart and Abby complained the entire time that she couldn 't walk anymore . Scott finished painting Mckenzie 's bed frame today so now we just need to get it together . I am hoping by this weekend , her big girl room will be ready ! I can 't wait for it to all come together ! We put up the rest of the Christmas decorations today . I can 't find Mckenzie 's stocking anywhere ! I am going to have to order her another one . I hope I can find one to match ours . We ran out to get a few more decorations for the house . I think it looks ok now . We ate dinner out tonight . I was sick of turkey . I am not sure I can stand more more turkey sandwich ! When we got home , the girls played together so nicely . They were having races and playing with dolls together . I love the moments they get along so like that and the little laughs I hear coming from them . Warms my heart ! Both girls are fighting bedtime yet again . I don 't know what is going on with them ! I would love to go to bed early if it meant someone else was going to stay up to get the house in order ! We decorated the Christmas tree today . It was so much fun this year . Both Abby and Mckenzie got into helping put the ornaments on the tree ( especially Abby ) . I had a hard time at first because all the decorations were on the bottom of the tree , but as soon as I looked at the girls ' faces , I realized it didn 't matter where they put the ornaments . It only mattered that they had a good time decorating . We didn 't get around to putting up all the other decorations . It is our first year in this house and I don 't know where to put things . We plan to do it tomorrow . I went out to do a little shopping in the afternoon and got everything I had planned on getting but one thing . I then got my hair cut and highlighted for the first time in over a year ! It felt so nice to get it done . It isn 't exactly what I wanted but it is exactly what the stylist said she was going to do . I just couldn 't picture it when she was describing her plan to me . Scott took the girls out to Target to get some candy canes for the tree and then stopped over at Chick fil A for dinner . The girls had so much fun playing and Mckenzie made it to the top of the steps all by herself . The girls got to pick out a movie to watch for movie night and stayed up late to watch it . It was fun , but both girls didn 't want to go to bed afterwards and made for a long night of trying to get them to sleep ! Happy Thanksgiving ! I have so much to be thankful for this year ~ two amazing little girls , a husband that I adore with my whole heart , great family , friends . We are so blessed I could spend a very long time listing all I am thankful for ! The day was pretty relaxed . I cooked a turkey and it turned out pretty darn good if I may say so myself ! The kids helped me make cranberry sauce which neither of them liked . Scott doesn 't like cranberries either so I have plenty of leftovers for myself ! The girls didn 't like the pumpkin cheesecake I made either , but I anticipated that and had ice cream for them ! We got a little snow this morning , but it melted by the time it landed . It was beautiful and we took the girls outside for a couple of minutes before it got too wet ! Abby was sad there wasn 't enough to play in ! Mckenzie wasn 't to sure what to think . The girls are in bed for now . Both struggled with going to bed and each lost a favorite toy because they weren 't settling down . I feel like such a nag but if they don 't learn consequences now , I can 't imagine how unruly they will be when they are teenagers ! Tasting the snow . Today Abby had her Thanksgiving Feast at school . Mckenzie and I headed back to celebrate with her . It was very sweet . The kids were all wearing feather hats and pilgrim shirts made from brown paper bags that they had made . They also sang a cute song . Leaves are falling , Leaves are falling . On the ground , on the ground . Rake them in a pile , rake them in a pile . Then jump in . Then jump in . Very cute ! Abby said break instead of rake . Reminds me of how little she still is . I sometimes forget that she is still very young when I compare her to Mckenzie . Abby was kind enough to share her feast with her sister and got glowing praise from her teacher for doing it without being asked . It was so nice to see her sharing so easily . It isn 't always like that at home ! At the end of class Mckenzie joined Abby on the circle rug where the kids wait to be excused from class . Mckenzie and I headed back home and I put Mckenzie down for a quick nap . After class , the girls and I made some sugar cookies . I traced around their hands to make turkeys and then we frosted them and put candy corn on them . I think both girls ate more candy corn and raw cookie dough than actual baked cookies ! Abby wouldn 't eat the one she frosted because she likes her cookies plain . They both had so much fun . We did bath time and played around for awhile before dinner . I was hoping Scott would make it home in time to have dinner with us , but the kids couldn 't hold out any longer . But he did make it home in time to play with the girls a little bit and read them a bedtime story . That is what matters . Abby was so excited to see him . Mckenzie too . Posted by Mckenzie was up way too early for me this morning ! We came downstairs and I put in the Wiggles for her to watch and gave her a yogurt to eat . That girl loves her yogurt , especially the squeezable ones . She eats at least three a day and would eat more if I let her ! She fell asleep for a little bit and I did too ! We didn 't do much this morning . Abby said her tooth doesn 't hurt anymore ! I am glad for that . We ran a couple of errands this afternoon and played outside when we got back home . We were playing in the backyard and I glanced at something on the ground . I thought it was just a chewed up dog toy until I looked closer and realized it was the beautiful red cardinal that lives in our backyard . Guess that should say lived . I 'm hoping some animal other than our dog was responsible for that one ! We had gymnastics tonight . Abby is getting so much stronger . She is able to hold herself up on the bar now whereas before , she couldn 't even get herself up ! Mckenzie is such a little dare devil . She likes to walk on the high beams . I can 't imagine she realizes how high up she is . I thought bedtime would be pretty easy tonight since Mckenzie didn 't nap , but I was very wrong . I think her problem tonight was she was over tired . She got upset because I wouldn 't let her take Scotch tape to bed and started screaming and crying so loudly ! I ended up laying with her because she wasn 't able to console herself . Abby couldn 't fall asleep because of all the noise and now she is procrastinating going to bed herself . Every few minutes she comes out of her room to ask me another question . I hope this doesn 't last long or else tomorrow will be a very long day for her at school ! I didn 't get around to posting yesterday . It was a very dull day and we didn 't even get to the park . Today , Abby had school again . She was in a good mood when we left the house , but when I wouldn 't let her greet her teacher at the same time as her little friend , she got upset and started clinging to me , saying she didn 't want me to leave . ( The teacher likes to greet each child individually and look at his / her homework . ) Her teacher reported she settled down pretty quickly . I 'm not sure what is going on with her lately . It seems like she is easily upset . Mckenzie and I ran a couple of errands this morning . I am so happy I managed to find clothes for all of us to wear when we get our photos taken the beginning of December ! I think the girls will wear their outfit for Christmas as well . Mckenzie was styling today when she was riding in the car . She found a pair of sunglasses and wore them upside down . She looked so cute ! We picked Abby up from school and headed over to the park . Abby told me her front tooth hurt so I took a look at it . There was a little blood around the top of her tooth , so I asked her what happened . She told me her tooth and another child 's head collided at school . I called her teacher to find out what happened , but unfortunately , the teacher didn 't see and Abby never said anything to her in class when it happened . At least it is a baby tooth so if it falls out , no big deal I guess ! The girls played for about an hour before we decided to go to the grocery store . I needed to buy a turkey ( let 's hope Scott makes it home in time ) for Thanksgiving . On the drive back home , Abby was begging to decorate the house for Christmas . I told her we could look in the garage for the Christmas decorations when we got home and if we could get to them , we could put a few decorations up . Well , turns out , everything is buried in the back corner behind a boatload of stuff ( sure would be nice to have a basement to store stuff ! ) . I explained we would have to wait until Scott got home , but that really upset her . So , I loaPosted by Well , I was hopeful the girls would sleep in since they went to bed later , but they decided to get up like normal . It was a very quiet day around here . We skyped with Scott this morning which was a lot of fun . Mckenzie kept trying to tell daddy she can rhyme words . She says " rhyme rhyme " and then tries to say dog , log , and frog . It doesn 't come out the clearest , but she tries ! I guess NickJr isn 't so bad after all ; ) Abby sang a song for Scott and then was back to playing . We went to the park this afternoon and Abby found a little boy to play with . He showed her how to go down a pole and she was so excited to learn how to do it . Just last week at school , I was trying to help her do the same thing and she wouldn 't have anything to do with it . Whenever I would try to make her do it without my help , she would cry and say she was scared . Today , she just grabbed onto the pole like she had been doing it forever and down she went with a big smile on her face . I think she did it at least 25 times before she got tired of it ! Mckenzie played hide and seek with me . It was so cute to listen to her count and then see her run to find me . We ran to the store after the park and then picked up some pizza on the way home . I let the girls watch some tv while I picked up the house . I taught Abby where the volume control is on the remote and she is putting it to good use . I could clearly hear NickJr as I was vacuuming a different room from where they were watching tv ! Both girls went to bed pretty easily tonight . Thank goodness ! I am debating waking Mckenzie up before I go to bed and making her use the potty . When she woke up this morning , she had wet the bed , but she apparently slept right through it . Not a good sign for the potty training . I thought she was doing so much better but it feels like we are back at square one ! I took some pictures at the park today , but I will add them tomorrow ! Another Friday , another school day . We overslept this morning so it was quite the mad dash to get ready for school , but we did make it on time . Had to break the rule of no food in the car so Abby could at least have a little milk and waffle before school . I had a parent teacher conference today about Abby 's progress thus far . I can 't believe the year is moving along so quickly ! Abby is right on target with learning . Only issue is how much the girl likes to talk ! Gonna have to try to rein that in a little bit I guess . Don 't know where she gets her love of talking from . . . Must be her dad ; ) Mckenzie and I came home for a little bit and then it was back to school to get Abby . I wanted to take the girls out to lunch with friends from school , but everyone already had plans . Guess I should have planned ahead . It was a good thing we didn 't go to lunch though because I had the worst headache I have ever had . I nearly wanted to cry it hurt so much . Luckily , Mckenzie was willing to take a nap and Abby was content to sit in front of the tv . Great parenting I know ! My headache did go away in time for us to go over to Abby 's friends house for playtime / dinner . It was a great time for all of us . The kids played very well together . Mckenzie was a little shy at first , but that is typical for her . She did warm up and had the bigger kids following her around as they all play drums . At first , Mckenzie was moving away from the older kids but as soon as I asked them to stop following her around , Mckenzie decided she liked having them follow her and it became a game for all of them . Abby didn 't want to leave her friends house , but it went better today than it did on Tuesday . Probably because I bribed the girls with watching a little bit of tv in my bedroom before bedtime . It was fun though to hang out with the girls for a little while before bed . We got to talk to Scott again today . Always great to hear his voice : ) The girls slept in this morning and it was wonderful ! We had a lazy morning at the house . We painted and colored and played with cars . Abby did her homework for school and Mckenzie worked on drawing people . After lunch , we headed to the purple park to play for a couple of hours . The girls had so much fun and didn 't want to leave , but it was getting really chilly out and their little hands were cold . Luckily , they both headed to the car without throwing a fit ! We ran to Lowe 's to get another mouse trap . I am hoping I never have to catch another one . We came home and played a little bit before taking a bath and then doing dinner . During dinner , Mckenzie needed to use the potty , but she insisted Abby take her instead of me . It is so sweet how Abby helps her out and how Mckenzie wants her help . It isn 't always that pretty , but today was a very good day . No major fits and the day seemed to flow a lot better . I know I have a tendency to raise my voice when the girls don 't listen , but today , I either waited until they stopped fighting or I used a quiet voice so they had to be quiet to hear me . It really seemed to work and I am going to try to use that tactic every day . Mckenzie went to bed easily tonight , but I assumed she would since she didn 't nap . She almost fell asleep on the couch when we got home from the store , but I managed to keep her entertained . The last thing she needed at 5pm was a nap ! Abby wanted to sleep in Mckenzie 's room tonight and I explained that she couldn 't because it is a school night . She wasn 't too happy with my decision and she left Mckenzie 's room . Turns out she had gotten her sleeping bag and pillow pet and told me she was going to sneak into Mckenzie 's room to sleep . Silly girl ! I ended up laying with her until she fell asleep . Oh , the other day at gymnastics Abby heard a couple of older girls counting and as they got higher she got more and more interested . Finally they reached 100 and kept on counting . She looked at me completely surprised and said " you can keep going ? " She was shocked anPosted by We got off to a rushed start this morning . I kept hitting snooze even though it was a school day for Abby and I was a parent helper again ! But , we made it on time with only a little nagging from me . Abby decided to wear a tank top with a long sleeved shirt underneath along with a pair of capri 's . I managed to get her into pants , but the tank top was staying . So be it . That is her personal style I guess . Mckenzie was excited to go to the nursery today and didn 't fuss when I left . I had a lot of fun being in Abby 's class today . I got to pick up the girls ' school pics today and they are so cute ! Mckenzie has the biggest smile on her face ! Mckenzie and I came home and had lunch and a nap before picking Abby up from school . I was the parent helper in the afternoon class as well so we had to go a little early so I could do the cleaning . Abby 's teachers were sweet enough to take Mckenzie out to play when the older kids went out . Abby was so happy to take her sister outside with her . It was pretty windy out today so we didn 't play outside when we got home , just veged out inside . The kitchen had a funky smell to it today even though it has been mopped and cleaned twice in the last three days . So , I decided to do a little investigating and discovered a dead mouse in a cupboard . I was not happy to say the least and the smell made me gag . So , I called a friend to see if I could borrow her husband to take care of it for me , but unfortunately , he wasn 't home . My friend offered to come over and get rid of it for me and I felt bad , but I really don 't like mice and the smell was even worse , so I let her . Thank you so much for rescuing me Dee ! I am forever indebted to you ! ! ! ! I felt like a wimp , but I really , really , really do not like dead animals and this was no exception ! Now , I just have a whole ton of dishes to send through the dishwasher tonight and need to disinfect the cupboard again . YUCK ! ! ! ! Why do these things happen when Scott is gone ? ? ? ? Mckenzie and Abby are both being stinkers tonight and keep coming out of their roPretending to be babies ! Abby had her good friend from school over for a playdate this morning . The three of them had so much fun running around . I have to say , they all played very well together . Mostly they played school , but we did a craft as well . Mckenzie spent about two minutes playing with the melty beads and was done . Abby wanted to make a heart , but she didn 't know how and so I made the outside shape for her and she filled it in . I would have preferred she tried to do it on her own , but I wanted her to have fun . If I had insisted she tried , I know it would have made her upset and I didn 't want to ruin a craft project for that . There is plenty of time for her to learn . If she still wants my help , then so be it . Abby got very upset and started crying when it was time for her friend to leave . It has been a long time since she has done that , I think since Florida . I take this as a good sign that she has a friend she wants to spend so much time with . After she settled down , we had a quick snack and ran to the grocery store . It seems like I was just there , but the fridge was telling me something different . It was late by the time we finished so we stopped at Chick fil A before heading home . I put Mckenzie down for a nap again today because she had gymnastics today and I wanted her to pay attention during class . If she doesn 't nap , she doesn 't focus very well during gymnastics and she doesn 't seem to enjoy it as much . Abby spent the time playing dress up and playing with cars . She did a great job of entertaining herself this afternoon . The girls had fun at gymnastics . Mckenzie listened pretty well to the teacher , but I did notice that she is a lot more clingy when I take her than when Scott is out on the floor with her . Wish I knew what his secret is . We had dinner and a shower and it was finally time for bed . Mckenzie has come out of her room a few times , but I expected that since she took a nap . I just hope she isn 't up too long since tomorrow is a school day . Posted by Abby ended up in my bed again last night . I asked her why and she said she likes a big bed . Then she said she could put a big bed in her room . I explained how small her room is and that it would leave no room for her toys . She looked at me and said we could put them on her dresser . I think she really wants a big bed . Maybe we will have to break down and put a bigger bed in there . I don 't know . I don 't mind that she sleeps in there when Scott is gone but when he is home , it gets too crowded . Anyway , after Mckenzie and I dropped Abby off at school ( she was much more excited about class today than Friday ) , we met a friend for coffee at Starbucks . We did a little shopping at Target and then it was time to come home . I got the girls some winter pjs with the feet in them . Abby just loves wearing that kind ! She was heartbroken when the ones from last year got too tight to zip up without catching a little leg . Mckenzie took a long nap when we got home . She was so tired and clingy that I risked having her not go to sleep tonight . I think it was a good call . We picked Abby up from school and stopped by the purple park . The kids were so excited to go and had lots of fun . Mckenzie didn 't spend as much time in the swings as she used to . She is starting to enjoy the slides a lot more . She was wearing jeans today so when she went down the slide , she just flew down . She was laughing the first time , but I noticed she used her hands to slow her down after that ! We ran another errand after the park and then came home . We got to talk to Scott today which was nice . The girls and I made bead bracelets after dinner . Mckenzie didn 't seem interested in making a bracelet , but Abby had lots of fun working on her pattern ! I let the girls stay up a little later tonight and it seems to have worked . Mckenzie hasn 't come out of her room yet . Lets hope it stays that way ! Need to charge my camera battery before I can post my pics from the day . I even tried using a little manual focus today while the girls were playing at the park . I wonder if anyPosted by The kids actually slept in a little bit this morning . Maybe they are getting used to this whole daylight savings time thing . Or , Abby may have been too comfortable in our bed to get up ! I made the girls pancakes for breakfast this morning and even made a few extra to freeze ! ( See Ma , my kids get homemade breakfast every now and then ; ) We ran to Home Depot to pick up some paint for Mckenzie 's bed . We took a knob off the dresser to match the paint , so I hope it turns out to be a good match ! We watched the Vikings game this afternoon . Love the Vikings , but I sure don 't like how they are playing this season ! Scott didn 't get to finish watching the game as he had to leave for work . The girls did a little coloring / sticker artwork this afternoon and then I let them watch tv so I could clean the house . Mckenzie fell asleep on the floor in the family room while I was cleaning . I am thinking I shouldn 't have let her sleep so long because it is taking forever to get her to sleep tonight . But , when I start cleaning , I don 't like to stop . So , I let her nap and now I am paying the price ! I made breakfast for us this morning before we headed out to do a little shopping . The kids were really good and didn 't throw major fits . We were looking for a new tv for our bedroom and found a good deal . I can 't say I was sad to see the old tv carried downstairs . I think Scott would have rather thrown it out the window instead of having to carry it down . Those old tvs are so heavy ! Scott was really sweet and made an appointment for me to get a mani and a pedi done today . I was going to take Abby with , but I am glad I didn 't . It was a nice salon / spa , but it wasn 't kid friendly . They have a policy stating no kids unless they have an appointment as well . It was very relaxing and I am so thankful I have a hubby that is so thoughtful . We picked up some pizza for dinner and called it a night . No pics today : ( It was hat day at Abby 's school . She brought Scott 's flight cap with her , but she didn 't want to wear it . She didn 't seem like she wanted to go to school today and she clung to me when it was time to go into her classroom . Not her normal self . She was happy when I picked her up so that was good . We built a fire tonight and roasted marshmallows . The kids had so much fun . Abby really enjoyed the marshmallows and Mckenzie could have eaten all the Hershey 's bars by herself ! It was so much fun hanging out by the fire with the kids and Scott . After we put the kids to bed , Scott and I sat by the fire until it got too chilly outside . Posted by Scott was home again all day as he is still sitting alert for work . It 's nice having him around , but it feels like the weekend . I bought the girls a few books the other day at a book fair at Abby 's school and ended up reading just about everyone of them to the girls this morning . When we finished 5 or 6 of them , Abby asked if I would read them all over again . I love that she is really getting into reading . We took the girls outside to play this afternoon . It was chilly , but still nice enough to play for awhile . The girls had a blast playing softball , soccer , jump rope , ball , bikes & racing . I made hot chocolate for everyone to warm up outside . I remember Abby having hot chocolate for the first time last fall and she said she loved it so much , but only ate the whipped topping off in the beginning . Now , she is actually drinking the hot chocolate . She is growing up so fast . Mckenzie took a few drinks , but most of it landed on her jacket instead of in her mouth . I think the cup was too big for her to drink from . She must have gotten very tuckered out from playing because she fell asleep on the couch . One minute she was asking for some Fruit Loops and the next minute she was fast asleep , drool and all . We went out for dinner and almost as soon as we sat down , Abby started her " I 'm tired " routine and begged to go home . We managed to make it through the meal without too much drama . Got the girls home and bathed and off to bed . Abby doesn 't want to sleep now . I hope she falls asleep soon or it will be tough to get her going for school tomorrow . What better place than between your toes to store plates ! Silly Mckenzie ! I was the parent helper in Abby 's Starfish class today . She was so excited and kept asking me when we could leave for school . Mckenzie was not so excited because she didn 't get to come with today . Scott was home and wanted to spend a little time with Mckenzie . It was a great time . I just love being in the classroom with Abby . I get to see another side of her and it makes me appreciate her even more . She is so eager to learn and loves to answer questions ( doesn 't always get them right ) and she loves to help her little friends . When Abby 's teacher asked what month it was , Abby answered " It 's October , no it 's November . " Well this one little boy started criticizing her for saying the wrong month . Abby looked so sad and I felt bad for her . I was thankful I could be there for her . I hope my kids never act like that . Class was fun , but over too quickly . Abby headed off to her lunch bunch and I headed home . Mckenzie and Scott had a good time playing and Scott reported that Mckenzie got her colors right today ! I am so happy for her . After Abby finished school , Scott and I took the girls to get haircuts . Abby jumped right in the little red car to get her haircut and sat quietly the whole time . Mckenzie was a little shy and I was worried she wasn 't going to sit in the chair without a fit , but a couple of fruit snacks and me standing right next to her helped us get through the quick cut . We ran a couple of errands before heading home . BTW , I am so proud of Mckenzie . She woke up one time last night to use the potty and then woke up dry again this morning ! I hope this is a trend that continues and I never have to buy diapers again ! All I have to say is that sleeping in that king bed was like heaven ! We both just love it and when Abby came over this morning , there was plenty of room for her to snuggle in with us for a little bit . Scott was home all day because he was sitting alert for work . I love having him home during the week . Mckenzie 's dresser was delivered today . It looks great in her room ! Scott and the girls went to pick up the new headboard and rails for our bed . Much cheaper to pick it up since we have the truck and it wasn 't too heavy to haul upstairs . Scott even had time to get the bed put together and new curtain rods up . The rods the owners left were uneven and falling down made the room look like garbage . It is nice to see the curtains hanging evenly now . The whole room feels like an oasis to me now . I am very happy with it ! The girls had so much fun playing in the boxes the furniture came in . One box was their house and one was school . Mckenzie was playing the mom and Abby was playing the child . It always amuses when when they play that way because Abby is constantly telling Mckenzie how to be the mommy and Mckenzie is always sending Abby to time out ! Mckenzie found a permanent marker today , but luckily , she managed to keep it on her paper and on her fingers . I took a chance and threw the cushion covers for the couch into the washing machine today . I 'm not sure I was supposed to do that , but after milk got spilled on the cushion , I had little choice . Either I washed the cushion and ruined it or left it and had to deal with the smell of old milk . I lucked out and after washing all the covers , the couch looks almost new again . I am so happy for that ! The girls had gymnastics this evening and Scott came along since he was home . He went out on the floor with Mckenzie and I got to sit back and watch the girls . It was a lot of fun and I had the chance to see how much Abby has learned . Mckenzie is a hoot with her panties sticking out of her leotard and shouting ' hey mom ' a few times during her lesson . We went to dinner tonight and iMismatched shoes again today ! Another Monday . They seem to come around all too often ! Abby asked me to pick out her clothes today and her only complaint was my choice of shoes . I guess her decision to wear one silver sparkly shoe and one black sparkly shoe was a much better choice for her than my idea of matching shoes ! So she went to school in mismatched shoes . I was surprised how many of the other moms noticed her shoes . One mom even worried that it was mismatch day and her daughter wasn 't dressed for it ! After dropping Abby off , Mckenzie and I came back home to await the arrival of our new king bed . After seeing how heavy the bed was , I am so glad that we paid for delivery instead of picking it up ourselves ! After I got it set up , Mckenzie and I laid down to check it out . The bed must be super comfortable because Mckenzie was fast asleep within minutes and slept for over an hour ! It was the perfect day for a nap too . The wind was howling and it was cold out there . Abby had a great day at school and was so excited to show me the bat cave she made . It was so cute how she described how she made it and how it took so long to do it . Apparently the kids started working on it last week and finished it today . She was so proud of her work . She even showed Scott the workings of it when he got home from work . Posted by I spent most of the day shopping . I needed to find bedding for our new bed that is going to be delivered tomorrow as well as curtains to match and then grocery shopping to top it off . I am so thankful Scott stayed home with the girls so I could get the shopping done faster . I found most of what we needed . Scott and the girls ran to Lowe 's while I was out to get some sandpaper so we can get to work on Mckenzie 's bed . He also replaced the closet doors in Abby 's room with purple beads . It looks so good and she really likes it . Now I don 't have to worry the doors are going to fall onto one of the girls . We were all playing in the family room and Scott was tickling Mckenzie . Abby came over to snuggle with me so I started tickling her . She looked at me and said " Mom , you 're not the tickler , you 're the cuddler ! " During story time tonight , Mckenzie kept saying " bird , one eye . " over and over and then she went downstairs . When she came back upstairs , she had a color crayon and opened up her book to the page with a bird on it and started coloring another eye on the bird . I guess she wanted to see both eyes of the bird ! Mckenzie refused to put a diaper on for bedtime tonight so I guess we are being forced into night time potty training . It has been a long time since she has had an accident so I guess it is time we started focusing on the nights . I just hope I don 't have to change the sheets too many times tonight ! Today was a long day . We finally decided to go shopping for a new bed for us and a dresser for Mckenzie . We left the house around 11 : 30 and didn 't get back until after 7pm . I didn 't think buying a couple of pieces of furniture could be so tiring , but with two little girls in tow , it was . The girls were troopers though and behaved pretty good in the stores . We took the girls to Chick fil A for lunch and let them play for a little before continuing on the hunt for the perfect bed . Mckenzie was so tired and fell asleep in my arms . She didn 't even wake up when I put her in her car seat ! Abby had fun testing out the beds . We finally found everything we needed ( at three different stores of course ) and it will all be delivered this week ! I am so excited to finally have a king sized bed . Maybe now it won 't be so crowded when one of the little ones joins us in the middle of the night ! I am also very excited to be making progress on Mckenzie 's big girl room . Now that we have chosen a dresser , we can work on painting the bed we already have for her . It is a little sad that very shortly we will no longer have a need for baby furniture in this house : ( I haven 't decided if I want to store it or sell it . I didn 't fall asleep until after 2am ( Laurie , I will have to send you the book I was reading ) and Abby was up at the crack of dawn . We haven 't given her allergy medicine for a few nights and I think it is starting to catch up with her . I was hoping allergy season was over , but I guess not . We dropped Abby off at school and headed to Bed , Bath , & Beyond . I decided we need a coat tree for the foyer as well as a basket to put the hats and mittens in . I found what I was looking for and I am hoping it will help keep us organized this winter . If only I had a whole room for all that stuff , life would be much easier . Guess it is one of those things to add to the list for our " forever " home . We are officially no longer property owners . We closed on our house in Florida this past week . I am sad that we no longer have it , but I am also relieved at not having to worry about a property so far away . The other day in school Abby 's teacher asked her what she was thankful for and Abby said she was thankful for her house in Florida and her purple room there . Makes me so sad how attached she still is to that house : ( We also hit up Target ( seriously , it is right next to BBB . there was no reason to not stop by ) . Halloween stuff was 75 % off so I was able to get the girls a lot of dress up clothes for next to nothing . They are going to have so much fun with all their new costumes ! We picked Abby up from school and headed back home for lunch and playtime . The girls played nicely together this afternoon which was really nice . I put the TV on so I could get the dishwasher cleaned out and reloaded and within a short amount of time , Mckenzie was nestled into the couch fast asleep . She didn 't sleep long since Scott got off work early today . The girls found blankets that I had purchased as Christmas presents for them and asked so sweetly to play with them . So , I am not as far along on my shopping as I thought ! I really need to get better about hiding the gifts I buy them . They also wanted to play dress up . I have to say Mckenzie makes a cute Abby 's cowgirl outfit she wore to dinner . Thankfully , the red bandana didn 't make the cute ! Rain , rain go away . And take the cold along with ya ! Today was cold and wet all day long with a little wind every now and then . I didn 't have plans to go anywhere today so we just lounged around in our pj 's until after lunch . The girls did a million and two art projects and Abby did a little homework as well . Throw in a puzzle or two , a fort , a movie , and playing with baby dolls to round out the day . Don 't forget running in circles and chasing after the dog ! I know the girls have a lot of toys to play with , but by the end of the day , we were running out of things to do . I gave the girls a bath a little earlier tonight because I thought they needed a little extra time to calm down before bed . They were running around like crazy just to burn a little energy . Scott got home from work pretty late , but made it in time for story time with the girls . They were so excited to see him and gave him big hugs and said they missed him . Really , he was only gone for the day . I can 't imagine the reunion when he comes back after his deployment ! Mckenzie actually went to bed without a fuss tonight . I am so happy ! Mckenzie asked for a picture while she was petting the dog . Today was picture day at Abby 's school . Abby didn 't give me a hard time about getting dressed in the outfit I asked her to wear . Many times if I suggest an outfit for her to wear , she goes in the opposite direction . I had Mckenzie 's picture taken as well . I think they will be cute pictures . Mckenzie wasn 't too sure about the photographer and she was very shy at first . Abby was just happy because the photographer let her have her photo taken first since she was the oldest . I know most times I let Mckenzie go first just because she is the youngest and doesn 't understand , but it was a nice reminder that I may need to switch that up every now and then . Mckenzie and I ran a couple of errands while Abby was in class and then we hung out at home . Mckenzie ended up napping on me again , but only for about thirty minutes . She was in a much better mood when I woke her and Scott didn 't have too much trouble getting her to sleep . So that may be the magic number as we transition to no nap . We played outside in the front yard after Abby got home from school . The girls played restaurant and the name of their place was " Candy Catmeat " . Doesn 't sound the most appetizing . I had a meeting for Abby 's school tonight and Scott stayed home with the girls . It was surprisingly short so I went out with one of the other moms . It was a nice evening . A very quiet day around here . The house got cleaned , we ran to the post office and out to lunch . The girls were excited to play at the McDonald 's play area . Me , not so much as it is an outdoor play area and it was cold out there today . The girls didn 't seem to notice . We veged around the house this afternoon and Mckenzie ended up falling asleep while I was holding her . I am hoping that she isn 't up until 10 again tonight . So far , she is staying in her room . We had gymnastics tonight and both girls had fun . Mckenzie was a bit feisty until I let her have her pacifier and then she was very cooperative . While we were eating dinner tonight , Scott told Mckenzie to use her spoon to eat her soup . Mckenzie looked right at him and said " No , use fingers ! " Very opinionated that little one . No pictures again today . Another Monday means another school day . I forgot to have Abby do her homework again so we will have to bring it on Wednesday . I hope I am better at getting her work done once she starts Kindergarten ! Before we left the house , I was picking up a few things around the house and Abby asked " Is the housekeepers coming today ? " I promise I do clean even when they aren 't coming to the house , although , I don 't usually do it before we leave the house in the morning . Mckenzie and I played around the house this morning . I tried to work on her colors and letters , but she just didn 't seem all that interested . The kid counted to eleven the other day , but ask her what color something is and half the time she gets it wrong ! I took the girls to the park after picking Abby up from school . They were both so excited to go play and ran straight to the swings . We came back home and I decided to call XM radio again today . Scott has been trying to transfer our service since we got our car and had not been successful . Finally today after 33 minutes on the phone with a couple of different people , I managed to get service to our car . It was ridiculous and I am usually not angry with customer service people , but the first lady who worked in the activation department told me she couldn 't help me and she ended up activating the service under the previous owner 's name . She then told me I would need to talk to someone in the cancellation department because she couldn 't cancel the service ! HELLO ! Luckily , the guy I talked to understood what I wanted to do and activated the service under our name . I was so close to cancelling all together , but I really enjoy XM radio , especially when we travel . Mckenzie is having difficulty falling asleep tonight . I thought she needed a nap this afternoon and she went to sleep right away when I put her down . But I was mistaken as the little bugger has been out of her room more times than I care to count since we put her down . I hope she settles down soon . |
The year my parents got divorced was odd and uncomfortable . They argued a lot more in front of me , some days the tension was so tight it felt like they both might snap . When school ended , they decided to send me off to my Aunt and Uncle 's house for the summer , so I wouldn 't have to be there during all the court proceedings . They thought they were protecting me from learning the real reason behind the divorce , but I already knew . During a yelling match between them , Mom broke their unity candle and Dad lost it . He slapped her , hard , a couple times and she fell over the coffee table . The stress and injury caused her to miscarry the baby they planned to announce a few weeks later . I heard it all . I had come home early from a friend 's house , and I sat on the porch to wait for them to stop yelling . When I heard her fall , I panicked and ran back to my friend 's house . I made up a story about how they went out and locked the house so he wouldn 't be suspicious . Later that week I heard Mom crying in the middle of the night about losing the baby . Out at Aunt Laura 's , I had plenty of room to roam around and explore . She and Uncle Joe owned 200 acres of farm land and 100 acres of forest . Uncle Joe inherited it when his Aunt and Uncle passed . They never had children , but he worked on the farm and was like a child to them , so they left it to him . They added on to the farm house , made an additional bedroom and a library because Aunt Laura loved to read and they planned on having a child some day . For the first week or so , I spent most days reading books from the library and didn 't venture too far from the house . I helped out with farm chores from time to time , but only when I was needed . They usually had an older boy from down the road do the chores for a little money . { C } I finally settled in to being around the farm so I started to wander more . Some days I stayed out from just after breakfast until dinner was ready . The pastures were easy to walk around , sometimes I found the remains of old fences and animal bones . One day I happened upon what I figured was the original farm site that was torn down some 40 - 50 years before . All that really remained was a very broken picket fence , a few lilac bushes , now almost trees , and a very beaten scarecrow lying on the ground where the garden used to be . Bored with wandering the pastures , I took to exploring the woods . My first day out was great , I watched a herd of deer walk through the woods , nibbling here and there , found a large creek with fish swimming in it and even saw an owl catch a mouse . On my way home I nearly stepped in an old bear trap , that kind of freaked me out . I used a heavy stick to push the trigger , and it kind of closed , it was too rusted to fully snap shut . I carried it back and Uncle Joe told me to keep an eye out from them and bring home any I find . He would take them to the scrap yard and turn them in for a little cash . The forest was a lot more fun to explore . I saw all kinds of critters , rabbits , skunks , opossums , raccoons , a variety of pretty birds and I would sometimes come across wild growing vegetables and fruits . I was casually walking deeper into the forest when I noticed that the trees seemed smaller , younger than all of the others . I walked further towards the middle of the new growth and eventually found a small cinder block ledge . Walking around to the other side , I saw that it had stairs that led down into the ground , and a door was visible at the bottom . Feeling uncomfortable I decided to head home early , not wanting to disturb someone living out there . I asked Joe about it and he said it was abandoned long ago . Before his Aunt and Uncle bought that section of the property , the man who owned it was a very paranoid person . He dug his own bomb shelter , fearing some type of attack , and didn 't trust construction companies to build it properly . His house was the one that was torn down out in the pasture , the forest was off to the south from the home . Thinking more about it , I realized that I was south of the old homestead I came across . Joe 's Aunt and Uncle tore the house down since it was in disrepair anyhow , and he stumbled upon the bomb shelter when he worked on the farm . Feeling less disturbed about the shelter , I asked it if was okay to look around down there . Joe okay 'd it , saying the structure was very well built and after dinner he helped me find several lanterns to help light the place up . He joked that I probably shouldn 't eat any of the food , but if I find anything interesting I should bring it back . { C } I found the site quickly enough , took a deep breath to steady my nerves , then went down the steps and pushed against the door . It took a little might , but I eventually shoved it open . I stood there for a minute , opening and closing the door to loosed the hinges a bit , then lit a lantern and hung it just inside the entrance . From there I could see a short hall that opened into a larger room , but the light wasn 't enough to see past the doorway . I lit another lantern and moved forward into the large room , it must have been 10 feet by 15 feet at least . A long table sat against one wall , shelves took up two others , and the last wall had another doorway . I ended up hanging two lanterns just to light to room decently , and started to look around more . On the shelves there were dozens of cans of food , as well as boxes of powdered food and emergency kits . I ran across a box with three gas masks tucked in it , decided they were neat enough to take back . I unloaded the remaining lanterns on the table and put the masks in my bag . On the wall above the table there was a map of the shelter 's layout , which was handy . It looked like there were 5 rooms total , 3 more attached to this room and one set off down a hallway . The farthest room was labeled ' lavatory ' so it made more sense for such a design . At the end of the other shelves I found a few books , they appeared to be nuclear preparedness guides and old first aid instruction manuals . Laura would love these , so I packed them away . I grabbed a few more lanterns , lighting one , then went on to the next room . This room looked to be more of a general living space , a couch was covered in dust along with a couple recliners . I hung up the lanterns and wandered a bit more . I found more books , some light novels and a couple encyclopedias . In a cabinet there was a small chemistry set , an abacus , and a few educational books . I guess this guy was set to continue his kid 's education if doomsday came around . There was an old Erector set , a small one , so I tucked it in my bag . As I lifted my bag up to move on to the next room , I realized how much I had packed away . Figuring I had spent quite a few hours here as it was , I decided to head home . I doused the lanterns as I left and walked back through the woods , excited to show off what I found . Laura was instantly engrossed in the books , Joe and I laughed about it . We examined the gas masks further and he told me more about them . When I showed him the Erector set , his eyes lit up and he went on for an hour about the sets he had as a kid . As we ate dinner , we continued to discuss the bunker a bit and Joe remembered that he had bought some electric lanterns , extra lamp oil , and extra wicks so I wouldn 't left in the dark if I lost track of time . The next day I ventured back out to the shelter and refilled the lanterns I used before relighting them . I moved on past the living area into what appeared to be the kitchen . A crude sink sat above a bucket , which I assumed would hold the waste water until they could dump it . Several boxes of camp stove fuel sat untouched under a metal table . Certainly not a gourmet kitchen , a small icebox took up one corner , nonelectric . I peeked inside to see a pool of stagnant , awful smelling water . Quickly closing the lid , I noticed two doorways to choose from . Glancing into one , I saw it was a hall , so that must go back to the bathroom . Not really interested in the shelter 's pooping hole , I moved on into what ended up being the bedroom portion of the shelter . 2 beds took up one wall , a double bed for the parents , and a single bed for their kid . The dresser on the parent 's side was empty aside from a change of sheets in the bottom drawer . The kid 's dresser appeared to be the same , but as I closed the small top drawer , it sounded strange . I reopened it and looked a little more carefully inside and realized it wasn 't as deep as it should be . I removed the false bottom and found what looked to be a cheap leather bound diary , a rosary and a small bible . I put the rosary and bible in my bag , but the diary held my attention more . I sat on the bed and flipped through the pages quickly . It was a bit dusty , yellowed and some pages were ripped , the leather was worn and scratched with a few holes here and there . Intrigued , I turned back to the beginning of the book and started to read it . Mom and Dad are fighting again . She hates his paranoia , keeps calling him a crackpot and he 's threatening to leave her to the commies , again . I wish they would just divorce , but they won 't even consider it . Johnny 's parents divorced and they 're doing just fine . His dad is even talking about remarrying . I finally got Dad to show me how to shoot the . 22 . Mom hates the idea of me handling a gun , but if I 'm going to join the army someday I should know how to . Dad 's right about her sometimes . She 's some liberal hippy supporter , bitching about peace and love , ignoring the realities of the world . I can 't wait until I turn 18 and can join up , get away from this house . Dad caught me down here again , chewed me out real good . He says I shouldn 't come down here , that I might contaminate the place . Summer is coming up , so I 'll be busy with farm chores if I can 't get a job in town . Hopefully the pharmacy is still looking for summer help . Dad popped Mom for running her mouth at him again . She called the cops on him and now there 's some big issue . He 's a mean drunk , she knows that , and he 's always drunk on the holiday . She can be a real bitch sometimes . School is starting up soon , I haven 't seen Johnny since his Dad and his Dad 's new girl took him to California . Last we talked he said he was going to see that park Walt Disney built , I hope he got a couple pictures . I can 't wait to hear about how much fun that place is . He 'll be the talk of the school all year . Snow buried the shelter , so I was stuck in the house all winter . I hate hearing my parents fight . They are at each other almost all the time now . Dad gave me a black eye when I suggested a divorce . I 'm sick and tired of this . 3 more years and I can leave here for good . 11 , June , 1966 . I thought I saw someone down here when I came in , but it must have been my imagination . I hope the bed is comfy , I 'm camping out here for a couple nights . Told Mom and Dad I was going to Johnny 's but he 's with his Mom on the other side of the state right now . His Dad remarried and is off on a honeymoon . I just needed to get out of the house . Night after night of fighting is driving me crazy . The light above my head flickered and startled me . It must be running low on oil , crap . I looked around and saw that I was nearly in complete darkness . I turned on one of the new lamps and refilled the one other lanterns as I left the shelter . I probably missed dinner , I shouldn 't have lost track of time like that . Walking home in the dark was strange , I hadn 't stayed out after dark out here before . I could see fireflies in the pasture and the faint light of the house as I trudged through the woods . Aunt Laura reheated some food for me when I came in , and I told them about the bedroom it the shelter . As I pulled out the rosary and bible I realized I left the diary on the bed . I couldn 't think about it too much though , the subject suddenly changed as Joe and Laura remembered they had news for me . Mom had called , she and Dad weren 't doing well . Their last fight resulted in her getting a bruised face and Dad is in jail for the night . She called to tell Laura , but didn 't intend for me to know . Laura hated that they were keeping the situation so secret from me , so she felt it was worth telling me about it . I told her and Joe that I knew a lot more than my parents were aware about , but I still felt depressed about what 's took place . The next day I took extra food and decided to sleep over in the shelter . Joe came out with me and explained more of the shelter 's features to me . The radio installed in the wall , the vent fans and pipes that led to grating above the entrance door , we even checked out the bathroom and it was surprisingly clean . After noon Joe headed back home , leaving me alone in the shelter . He left a walkie talkie so I could call them if there was trouble . I turned the other lanterns low , went back to the bedroom and laid on the bed to read more of the diary . I think someone might be out in these woods . I heard noises that weren 't from any animal I know of around here . It 's one in the morning , and if they try breaking in here I 'm gonna shoot them . Probably just some marijuana smoking hippie , lost in the woods . A bunch of queers came into town a few nights ago , following some band . I wandered the woods a bit to kill some time . It 's pretty boring out here , but I found a creek I can fish in later this summer . I also found this strange hole in the ground . Probably some critter den , but it looked like it went straight down . It smelled strange too , like someone dumped perfume down there . I read some of the books Dad left down here . Kinda boring , but it passed the time . I know how the basics of first aid now , that has to be good for something , right ? I should probably head home later today . I heard more strange noises overnight , couldn 't sleep well . I 'm starting to wonder if we have squatters out in the woods somewhere . Might have to search more , maybe tell Dad I saw signs of commies . He 'd come storming out here with his shotgun ready t . . . So much for writing in this at home . Dad caught me and freaked out , screaming about communications with the red bastards , giving them coded messages . He tore the hell out of this before Mom shouted at him and he turned on her . He spending the night in jail , Mom 's got a broken arm . He only bloodied my nose , so I guess I 'll be okay . I don 't feel like going home . Mom knows I 'm out here , Dad doesn 't , but who knows if Mom will even talk to him when he gets home . I guess this place just makes weird noises at night , it kind of freaks me out . I snuck out to town , met up with Johnny and saw a movie . Should have picked something other than the horror film , but he was so worked up about seeing it . Walking home through the woods had me on edge thanks to that stupid movie . My imagination is messing with me , I keep thinking there 's something following me around . The police released Dad today . I was heading home to get some more food , but I could hear him shouting 50 feet away . Guess I 'll just chow on some ' emergency ' food . He won 't notice a can or two missing . He 's not that paranoid . Something is down here with me . I can hear it moving around , and I swear I felt its breath on my neck as I was sleeping . I don 't know where it is , but I don 't think it 's human . Not sure if I 'll get back to sleep . Went fishing yesterday , tried to ease my mind . The day was slow , and I fell asleep early . I woke up and saw something holding my diary . It vanished before I got a good look at it , but I think it was some kinda alien . It was lanky and reddish , with a weird bulky body . I can 't stop shaking . I don 't know what this thing wants , but it was reading my diary . The police are idiots , all of them . They 're calling it a murder / suicide , but that 's not what happened . That thing , that thing did this , it killed them , that has to be it . Dad had a temper , but he wouldn 't kill Mom , and he certainly wouldn 't kill himself . He wouldn 't damn himself to Hell , he just wouldn 't . God , please , please help . I tried telling the police , I tried to warn them about that thing , but they wouldn 't listen . I saw it again , last night . It came back and sat on me to wake me up . I stared up at that , that thing and all I saw was this mouth splitting its round head . So many sharp teeth , so many in that smile it game me . Fuck those pigs , they won 't listen , those assholes . I 'm safe down here , they can 't drag me away to the nuthouse . I won 't be silenced , this has to be some alien , like that Roswell shit . They won 't find this shelter . The diary ended there , and I shivered in a cold sweat . I felt dirty for reading this all the sudden . I checked the time and there was still daylight left , so I ventured out to walk in the woods . I needed to get out of the dark shelter and just try to relax . As I wandered down to the creek , I told myself that book was left there as a prank . The kid must have thought it would be funny to leave that there , to play a joke on whoever bought the property . That was a sick joke to try and pull on someone . I watched the fish swim for a while , and gradually forgot about dairy and its contents . Nagging thoughts came and went . Why did the crazy man move away ? Could it be possible that he did die ? I told myself to ask Laura and Joe when I got home , and put it out of my mind . As dusk came , I had almost entirely put the story from the diary from my mind , and was feeling hungry . I walked back to the shelter , turned up the lanterns and opened up some of the food I packed . After I ate , I felt quite tired , so I went to bed . I tossed and turned all night . The bed wasn 't that comfortable and I had strange dreams brought on by that stupid diary . Red monsters filled my dreams , and I woke several times , sweaty and out of breath . The next day I got home and showered , then decided to go into town with Joe as he went to do some shopping . He usually spent all day in town , catching up with people , so I figured I could use the time to investigate what really happened at the library . I entered the small brick building and a librarian directed me to the town news archives . I thanked her then started to sort through the tomes of newspaper scans . I quickly found the 1966 papers and skimmed through to the September papers . I glanced at the front page and my eyes widened in horror . ' COUPLE FOUND DEAD IN HOME ' was the headline . I skimmed the story and saw that the son was deemed missing . I quickly found the next day 's paper , the police said it was murder suicide , son was found , but he ran off and police were searching for him . The next day , son went to police station , raving like a mad man , then left again . Police were in full search , fearing he may be a danger . People urged to report if they see him . September 4 , nothing , September 5 , son found wandering forest with gun in hand , police apprehended him safely , hospitalized him due to dehydration . I read more and more , through 2 months of papers . The police determined the Husband killed his Wife , then himself and closed the case . The son was deemed mentally unstable and institutionalized , a few reports commented that he was ranting about aliens . The house and land were sold cheaply , and a small story on the last page of a paper commented that the house was torn down . I felt like there was a rock in my stomach as I rode home with Uncle Joe . I didn 't say much for the rest of the day , and Laura asked if I was alright over dinner . I asked Joe outright what happened to the crazy man who built the shelter . Joe 's face dropped , and he just stared for a minute . The quietly told me about the murder , and admitted the house was torn down so no one would have to live in a house with such a terrible past . Laura commented that she 'd heard rumors about the murder , saying that a police officer 's kid said there was blood all over , and they 'd been ripped apart . I felt my heart sink knowing that at least parts of the diary were true . I asked about the son , and Joe told me it was determined that he developed schizophrenia and made up the alien . Some people suspected that he murdered his parents out of frustration from all their fighting . He lived in the mental hospital for 20 years before he was found in his room , dead from apparent suicide . He somehow managed to disembowel himself in the night . I couldn 't sleep for nights , I always woke a few hours later from nightmares . Joe and I went back to the shelter to gather lanterns a few days later , and I decided to not go back there ever again . A week passed and I started to sleep easier as I forced myself to forget about the shelter and its tale . I got the news that Dad was home from jail and the divorce was proceeding in court . It would be over soon and I could go home . As I slept one evening , I felt very at peace in my dreams . I dreamed about a vacation to the east coast we took when I was younger , sitting on the pier to watch the boats , Mom and Dad walking down a ways to get ice cream . As I looked for them down the pier I saw something out of place . Crouching on the edge of my vision , a strange red creature turned towards me . I saw a toothy smile then my dream went black . I woke in the morning feeling shaken and sick . After going to the bathroom and splashing my face with cool water , I headed to the kitchen for some breakfast . There I saw Joe with is arms around Laura , she was huddled over crying . They both looked at me , their eyes bleary and red , Laura started to cry harder . Joe put his hands on my shoulders and heaved a sigh . " Kiddo , the police stopped by a few minutes ago . Your Mom and Dad have died . They say your Dad snapped and killed your Mom , then took his own life . I know this is hard to hear , but we 're here for you . We 'll always be here for you . " 3 years and it 's still strange to look at their headstones . I stood there and felt the hot tears slide down my cheek as I read and reread their names carved in stone . The bouquet of flowers trembled in my hand as I knelt to place it between them . I breathed deeply and wished them well on the other side , then stood and walked away . Memories of the funeral filled my head as I rode back to Aunt Laura 's house . Gray clouds hung overhead as the priest said his sermon and committed them to the ground . Distant rumbles of thunder reminded everyone that the cool autumn storm wasn 't going to hold off forever . As we got back to the house , the sky was like night and the moment we hung our coats heavy rain drops thudded on the roof . I was so numb for months , I can 't really remember much . I heard the news from Joe and my mind just blanked . I didn 't speak for days , barely ate , had fits of sobbing that lasted hours on end . The nightmares were vivid , but brief . That thing was always there to twist my dreams into horrors . I 'd dream of vacations , family dinners , and birthdays , and as the dream came to a moment I cherished , it slithered in . It came about and with a wave of its grubby hand it turned my vision into a sprawl of blood and screams . I was almost immediately placed into counseling , given bi - weekly therapy sessions and for months I cycled through various anti - depressants and anti - anxiety medications . Laura and Joe got custody of me , no one argued against it . Staying on the farm wasn 't bad I guess . The next summer , Joe hired an excavation crew to dig up the shelter . I didn 't ask him to , I didn 't even care for the place really . He said it was probably a hazard to have on the property , we didn 't need it for anything . I overheard some of the crew asking Laura if there was a dumping site of some kind out there . As they dug the place up they said they kept smelling something sweet , like a woman 's perfume . It took a month before it was removed and filled in . New trees were planted and have been growing well . It took a while before I started wandering the woods again . Laura talked Joe into getting goats , and they liked to jump the fences . I took it upon myself to go and find them , they were usually around the creek playing . As summer came to a close I was feeling better , moving on with my life . Mid august is when the night terrors started . Every night , I would toss and turn , crying out in my sleep , fighting off the visions . That demon watched me with his grin , mocking me , as I twisted in my sleep . I was hesitant to speak at length about the nightmares to the psychologist . I doubted he could make them go away . As the school year got underway The night terrors waned and I returned to a more normal sleep pattern . School work took my mind off of my grief , no one in my class spoke of it to me . They all knew though , they all whispered about it . Halloween drew closer and I grimaced at the thought of going into town . All the masks and costumes made me think of that demon that followed me at the edge of my thoughts . The whole night made my stomach turn now , I just wanted it to be over as soon as possible . A couple friends , the only ones who didn 't turn tail when I went ' crazy ' kept asking about camping out on Halloween . They knew I now lived nearly surrounded by forest , and thought it would be great fun to camp in the ' spooky woods ' as they called it . A week before the day I caved in and got permission to camp out there . Joe and Laura were happy to see me doing something normal , I guess I should have been happy too . We packed more junk food than we could possibly eat , tents , sleeping bags , plenty of lights , and the general camping gear . It was midday when we set out the day before Halloween . The leaves crunched and twigs snapped as we trudged out way out to a clearing near the creek . I had found the spot on my first visit and would picnic there . There were a couple apple trees nearby if we got the urge to eat something that wasn 't candy or chips . As we set up camp we heard the roar of a vehicle approach and soon saw Joe ride up on a 4 wheeler . He 'd bought it in the spring to get around in the woods more easily . He told us to keep an eye out for coyotes , and not to let the lanterns get too close to the leaves . He helped hoist tents and made sure we knew how to light and extinguish the small grill we brought for a campfire before heading out and leaving us alone in the woods . After we settled our sleeping spots , the guys wanted to go exploring in the woods , so I showed them along a few lesser used trails . They were like little kids again when we saw a small herd of deer walking through the woods , and they both jumped and shouted when a turkey took off flying . I guess they didn 't realize those birds could fly . We watched fish swim down the creek for a while and took turns seeing who could jump the creek the best . As we meandered back to camp , they felt safer in the woods and didn 't stick as close to me . I wasn 't paying much attention , the medication made me a little spacey , so I jumped a bit when my friend , Geoff , shouted in a panic . I quickly spun around and saw him waving a bit and looking at the ground . I jogged over , Lyle was gawking as well , and saw that they found another trap . I thought I had cleared those all out of the woods , but I guess I missed a few . As I looked for a decent stick to trigger it , I saw Lyle wave Geoff over to something he had found . I quickly disabled the trap , this one was in better condition and crunched into the stick , then wen tot see what else they had found . Lyle dug in his pocket and pulled out a small flashlight before crouching down and shining it into a hole . Geoff and I hunkered down too , and the light seemed to be swallowed up into the darkness . Geoff commented that it smelled like honey and flowers , Lyle thought it smelled like his Uncle . We looked at him , a bit confused and he muttered something about him having a condition that made him smell sugary . We pondered what could have made the hole , and as we looked into it I got a creeping sensation of worry . As dusk started to fall , we lit a fire and dug out the hotdogs we packed into a cooler . We cracked open sodas and happily ate the half burnt hotdogs before diving into some snack cakes . Geoff told us about his trip to Disneyland and made us promise that we would go there after we graduated . As it got dark , we all lit the lanterns hung around camp and Lyle decided it was time for scary stories . He was so excited , he got a new book of horror stories from his older sister . She was big on the occult and other weird stuff , and always gave him neat gifts . She was a couple years older and already in college , but we saw her from time to time . Lyle eagerly started reading the book , and Geoff and I cracked jokes when the stories got silly . It was nearly midnight by the time he finished the book and we were sore from laughing and joking . A few of the outer lanterns were getting dim , so we put them out before dashing back to camp . As we added oil to the other lamps and tossed a little more wood on the campfire we started to settle down and relax more . Geoff , the sneaky teen he was , grinned like a cat at us before fishing out a small bottle of whiskey he had swiped from his older brother . Lyle and I were apprehensive but we obliged and over the next couple hours the three of us got properly sauced . Feeling high , happy and sleepy , we doused the remaining lanterns , put a lid over the fire and retired to out tents for the night . I laid awake for a while , reflecting on how the night had been , and how normal I felt again . I don 't know when I drifted off , but I roused a bit when I heard a tent unzip and someone stumbled away . I sat up a little and listened , then heard the sound of water hitting leaves and realized one of the guys got up to piss . I rolled over and got comfortable again , and started to drift off when I heard muttering . The voice sounded confused , and opened my eyes , expecting them to call out for help back to camp . I heard hurried footsteps and suddenly felt on edge . My tent was crashed into and Lyle swore before fumbling to find the zipper . I bolted upright when he hit my tent and quickly grabbed a flashlight . Geoff groaned at us and we heard him start to get up . As Lyle opened my tent , I asked what was going on . He stuttered that he had seen something , and got scared . I asked how big it was , recalling Joe 's words about the coyotes , and he said it looked deer sized . Geoff stumbled over and looked bleary eyed . Lyle recounted what he saw and I felt worse with every word he spoke . " It was big , like , like a deer , but i - it walked funny , like hunched over kinda , li - like a monkey or somethin . It h - had these long skinny arms an ' l - legs , and a b - ba - barrel shaped chest , and its h - head was like an egg or b - ball . " He was shaking badly and I couldn 't catch my breath . Geoff scoffed at us , still drunk and tired , and told Lyle he must have still been dreaming when he went to piss . Lyle nodded a bit and seemed to calm down , then agreed with him that it was just a dream . Geoff stumbled back to his tent and I sat with Lyle for a while to make sure he relaxed . After a few minutes , he looked at me wide eyed and admitted he was too afraid to go back to his own tent . I patted his shoulder and let him into my own tent , and we both slept restlessly until morning . It was almost noon when we all got up and Geoff was certainly the worst off of all of us . He spoke only in grunts and groans and barely opened his eyes . Lyle and I on the other hand were alert enough to realize something had eaten much of the food overnight . The cooler was tipped and backpacks ripped open , packages scattered all over . The camp - out was effectively over , so we cleaned up , packed out gear and started the long walk home . Hot showers felt wonderful , and a hot meal settled our bellies . Geoff and Lyle took off that afternoon and as night wore on I took to reading another of Laura 's fantasy novels in an effort to ignore trick or treaters . The winter passed fairly uneventfully , spring came and merged into summer , and as fall approached I paid a visit to my parents graves and marked the start of the month on night terrors . School went smoothly , time moved on , I was finally deemed okay enough to not be medicated anymore and I felt better about life every month . Before I knew it , I was applied to college and celebrating my first day of official adulthood . As I attended college classes , I made a few new friends who teased me relentlessly when they found out I had never had a girlfriend . Winter semesters started and I decided to take an art class to fill credit requirements , and I figured it might be fun . The first day of class a girl clad in black smiled and waved me over to her . I was confused , but she was pretty and looked friendly enough , so I introduced myself . Turns out , she 's a friend of a friend , and knew a bit about me . We hit it off and spent most classes seated next to each other , talking while working on different projects . She admitted having a mild interest in the paranormal and when I asked if she was into all things goth she laughed and shook her head . She liked to wear dark colors because it fit her complexion , and showed me a couple pictures of her in floral , bright clothes . I 'll just say I agree that darker colors suit her much better . Laura and Joe were thrilled to meet her , and I felt more normal than I had in a few years . Spring came and classes came to a close , but we stayed close . A few times a month we would drive to a larger city and visit the mall or the theater . One day we came across Lyle and he excitedly told us we should check out his sister 's new shop on main street . We wandered down to the center of the city and after a bit of searching found the small shop his sister , Agatha , had rented . It was a small bookstore and cafe , with a slight gothy feel to it . In the back she had a little ' Occult Booth ' where she would do tarot and aura readings or Wiccan blessings . We hit it off with Agatha , who wasn 't as we expected . We thought she 'd be trying her best to be dark and mysterious , but she was actually really friendly and smiled a lot . Julia agreed to have her aura read and they both goaded me into it as well . As I sat on the stool with my eyes closed , I was told to clear my mind . All was quiet for a minute then Agatha made an almost whimper noise and I opened my eyes to see her grimace . She said that my aura was pale blue but flashed red before disappearing . She looked concerned and asked if something was bothering me . Julia looked worried as well , and I figured my face had twisted with unpleasant thoughts . I figured they were both trustworthy , so I asked them to sit and told them about my parents death . For the time being , I left out the demon and the diary , but I did tell them about the shelter . The sat in silence for a bit and Julia came over to hug me . She had tears in her eyes and I felt a little bad about making her so sad . Agatha closed up shop for the night and made us some coffee . She asked if I ever encountered anything strange , and I thought a while before I commented on the diary I read . She nodded and looked slighted lost in thought , her brow furrowed , as I told her about its contents then what I learned from the news papers . " I think I might know who you are talking about . Come on , let 's go back to my place . " She introduced us to her Dad and he was fairly jovial about meeting us . Agatha didn 't waste any time and asked him outright about Uncle Kenneth . He made a short laugh then led us to his study where he dug out an old box . In it were dozens of letters and a few crude pictures . He told us that he and Kenneth used to be fairly close , they did farm work together every summer until his folks died . After he was committed , he didn 't hear a word from him until a year later when he was allowed to send letters . They wrote back and forth for years on and off until a couple years before he commit suicide . Agatha 's Dad told us that Kenneth believed some alien monster had killed his parents , and was roaming the woods . He was so convincing in his words that at first her dad believed it . So he went out to the farm one summer and camped for a month , setting traps and wandering around , hoping to catch it . After catching numerous deer , and beheading a fox , he gave up and wrote to Ken that there wasn 't anything out in those woods . As he spoke , Julia thumbed through the pictures and showed them to me . I guess I started to get a little more freaked out than I realized . " Son , are you okay ? " I snapped my head up and looked the man dead in the eyes , and he must have seen the terror on my face . Julia rubbed my shoulders and Agatha looked scared , her Dad simply stated ' You saw it , didn 't you . ' I nodded , slowly and deliberately , and swallowed hard before I spoke . I told them that after I finished reading the diary , I started to have nightmares and visions of that very same creature . Shortly after , my parents died , and I now believed that it wasn 't a murder / suicide as the police had ruled it . I shook as I told them , this was the first time really telling anyone the full story and I was so raw about it after all these years . We all started at Agatha like she was insane when she suggested we hunt the thing again . She argued that now we had someone connected to it and that they could probably catch it and destroy it now . Her father waved her off as being immature and ridiculous , and Julia quietly said that we might get killed as well . I admitted that I wanted nothing more to do with that thing , that I wanted to forget about it entirely . We talked in circles about it for hours , arguing about what was best to do before we were all too tired to deal with it anymore . As we said our goodbyes , Agatha 's Dad pressed something into my hand . It was a folded envelope , I pocketed it for the time being , and we drove back out to where my car was parked . I took Julia home and promised that I wouldn 't hunt the demon before heading home myself . I lay in bed and thought about whether it was right to tell them about the creature or not . I pulled the folded envelope out , opened it and a small metal thing fell on my chest . I sat up and took a better look at it . It was an oblong copper pendant , with several unfamiliar symbols scratched into it , tied with a worn leather bracelet . A yellowed letter was in with it , and I unfolded it to see what it said . I am sending this to you , in the hope that maybe it will help . I don 't know what it does , or how it is connected , but I found it out there . After my folks died , after they were murdered , I went looking for that alien . I came across the hole , the perfume smelling hole I told you about before , and I nearly broke my leg stepping in it . I don 't know what came over me , but I reached down in there and found this thing . Maybe it 's connected to that alien monster somehow , I can 't say for sure . I hope it helps you , I hope this thing doesn 't come after you as well . Regards , Kenneth . I didn 't see Julia for a few days , but we agreed to meet at Agatha 's on the weekend . I carried that pendant with me everywhere , and figured I would show it to them and maybe find out more about it . The shop had a few customers so we sat off at the back and waited for them to leave , sipping coffee and chit chatting to pass the time . As she closed up for the day , I pulled the pendant out and handed it to Agatha , asking if she 'd ever seen it before . She shook her head and looked puzzled by it . Julia took a look at it and seemed to think hard while she turned it over in her hands . The she lit up with realization and quickly pulled a book from her messenger bag . She said the symbols were from Native American tribes , probably several tribes , and that she 'd seen some similar to it before . As she thumbed through the book , she explained that it was a book of lesser known Native ghost stories , tales thought to be only fiction , stories mixed between though of Tribes people and those of early settlers , but seeing that pendant reminded her of the last chapter she read . As she flipped to the page , she pointed at an image with several symbols that looked close to the ones on the pendant . It looked like the pendant may have been intended as a way to drive off or trap evil thoughts . They would dig a hole then dump a mixture of fermented honey and mashed flowers into it before dropping the pendant in and burying it again . ' They used this as a way to seal the spirits of murderous men , evil children and scorned souls ' read Julia . It seemed that they believed the thoughts of someone with great anger could manifest themselves into some kind of monster . I rubbed the bit of copper between my finger and thumb and thought hard about what she was reading to us . If they buried it , how could the hole reopen ? What caused it to appear time and again . What it a lure to latch into passing people , in the hopes of feeding off their anger ? As she flipped past several pages , she suddenly gasped and Agatha covered her own mouth to keep from yelping . I looked at the book and saw on the page an grotesque illustration of the demon that has haunted me all this time . Its grin pissed me off , that shit eating grin . I sneered at the book as Julia closed it . So this thing was a manifestation of evil thoughts . I guess that 's why it clung to me , but what caused it to exist in the first place ? Agatha brewed a large pot of coffee and Julia got online . We poured over historical records for hours and hours trying to discover a possible origin of this thing . Around 2 am we finally broke through and found a record of a logging camp that was set up here . The camp didn 't last a year before tragedy struck . Half the loggers were killed and the rest were forced to gang up and kill the one man responsible . They reported that he was able to lift the other men clear off the ground the toss them aside like firewood , and that it took seven swings to fully lop his head off . After being beheaded , they said his face still smiled in a maniacal way , like his cheeks were being pulled to his ears . When they buried him , they recalled that the whole area started to smell like fresh flowers , though none were in bloom . We pieced together that they must have disturbed one of these ritual sites and caused this thing to manifest . As we looked through the years after that , we noticed nothing for a couple decades , then a murder case popped up . A hunter who camped there came home to find his wife and a coworker dead . He was charged with their murder after it was determined he killed them after catching them having an affair . A decade later , a young boy 's schoolmates were killed at a sleep over , the kid was lock in an asylum and later lobotomized , believed to be incurably deranged . Twenty years later , a young woman is sent to prison after two of her friends were found disemboweled on a dirt road . Then the incident with Kenneth . The last case was that of my own parents murder . I felt sick , tired , and mentally overloaded . Agatha invited us up to her small apartment to sleep , we were too tired to drive home safely . Julia and I cuddled on her fold up couch and I fell into a deep sleep . It must have been noon by the time I awoke . Julia was still asleep in my arms , but it sounded as though Agatha was awake and running her shop downstairs . I ran my hands along Julia 's back and pulled her close to me in a hug . I feared losing her , losing everything normal I had managed to recover . She woke up a few minutes later , and for the first time since we started seriously dating , she kissed me . I grinned , squeezed her tight , and felt some of my fears pull away . We showered and dressed , then joined Agatha in her shop . Between customers , we discussed what we should do , if anything . Agatha was adamant about exorcising this demon away , Julia and I were rightfully terrified of pissing it off . We went back and forth , Agatha pulled out several books and pointed out multiple rituals she was familiar with and started to sway Julia to her side . Julia started to look into the book she had last night again , to see if there was something about stopping such a vengeful , angry creature . As dusk drew nearer and closing time arrived , they pushed me into agreeing to take them out to the shelter site . It was decided that area was the most likely place for the demon to have manifested from . Before we left , Agatha packed a kit of stereotypical items , candles , salt , chalk , pendants , incense , and crystals . Julia packed a few books on the rituals they decided would be best to try and we started our journey into the woods . We could only drive so far to the site , and had to abandon the car halfway into the woods . We carried bright lamps and walked the rest of the way there . I felt a looming sense of dread as we closed in on the former shelter , I began to sweat and felt cold . Once on site , we hung as many lanterns as we could , lighting the area brightly . Agatha and Julia began to lay down salt lines and place candles as I fiddled with the pendant , feeling a creeping presence come upon us . Agatha and Julia were on opposite sides of each other , creating a large circle , when a sudden sharp gust of wind cut between the trees and extinguished half the lanterns . Julia screamed first , and I started to move toward her , then Agatha screamed and I whipped my head around to try and see her . Both girls lay on the ground , motionless and I felt as though my stomach dropped out of me . I heard a high growl circle me quickly and the lantern light turned a strange shade of reddish orange . As I scanned the trees I froze still when I saw the demon , crouching low and crawling toward me . It stopped as well when I locked my eyes on it , then it slowly moved forward , stretching its limbs until it was practically goose stepping to me . As it got closer , the sweet , flower smell turned sickening and putrid . Its grin was as wide as ever and when it got within a foot of me it simply stopped . As I stood there staring at it , the smell turned to something metallic , it smelled like blood . I didn 't know what else to do , I hadn 't really paid attention to the rituals they talked about . I flat out told it to leave . Its head leaned back and to the side slightly , then its mouth opened and it laughed . It laughed at me for telling it to leave . I stood my ground and repeated myself , demanding that it go away , and it laughed harder , rocking back and forth slightly . I started to get pissed off at it for mocking me . I gritted my teeth and felt like just punching it in its stupid face . It crouched and sat up a bit , balancing on its legs and stretched its arms wide . In a flash of movement it reached both forward and backward , grabbing the girls , hoisting them up and dragging them over to us . It held them just under the arms , close to its sides and chuckled . Its voice was shockingly smooth , but deep , and seemed to come from behind my head instead of from its gaping mouth . It set Agatha down , setting a foot on her , then focused on Julia . It ran a finger up her shirt , splitting it open before discarding it , then moved onto tearing her pants off . I shouted at it to stop , I refused to simply let it undress her , but it merely looked at me while it continued . When Julia was fully naked , it set her down , stepped on her , then proceeded to do the same to Agatha . Once both women were naked , It picked them up again and … played with them . It bounced them around , as if a child playing with dolls , bobbing them side to side . It gurgled out these high pitched noises , what I assume were its attempt a mindless girl talk . It turned its head back at me and its smile seemed to grow larger . That fuck was mocking me again . I curled my fists in anger and tensed my body , thinking to myself about just tackling this demon and beating it with my bare hands . In a split second , it vanished , the girls fell to the ground . I stepped forward to try and catch them , but felt burning hot hands on my shoulders , stopping me dead . It was now behind me , breathing down my neck . I felt a slick , wet sensation across the back of my neck and felt the sharp teeth brush lightly against my skin . I shuddered with revolt , and threw my elbow back . To my surprise , I hit flesh , hard , dense flesh , as I struck the monster . I spun quickly and saw that it simply stood there , knocked slightly to the side , seemingly stunned . I saw my vantage point and I took it . I threw punch after punch and hit it in the face and neck , it growled and gurgled at me before vanishing again . I stood , panting , my fists sore and my adrenaline pumping . I heard it laugh again , only the sound came from all around me . I turned slowly to try and spot it , then felt the earth give way beneath my feet . I was pulled down , past soft , wet dirt , into a damp , hot hole that smell putrid , sweet and bloody all at once . I nearly vomited , and I felt that bastards hands groping all over . It shook my shoulders , tugged my ankles , slapped my head , patted my belly , and even grabbed at my crotch . I grew more an more pissed off , and this thing simply kept toying with me , taunting me and teasing me . I finally shouted ' ENOUGH ! ' and it stopped . Silence filled the small chamber I was in , and I began to lose my sense of time . Eventually I heard it breathing again , slow , calm breathing . You 're hateful , but you have no one to hate . Why don 't you find someone to hate . It could be anyone , anyone at all . No one has to know you hate them , but they 'll go away soon enough . Tell me who you hate , feed their name to me , give them to me . I considered it . Anyone . Anyone was tempting . There were plenty of bad people in the world , people that disgusted me , that few would ever miss . Could I really feed them to this beast though ? Could I really condemn them to a fate such as that ? I dropped to my knees , fell forward and dug my hands into the earth . I felt it loom over me , it whispered its almost chant like begging for more hate , for more anger . It pressed its body up against mine , wrapped itself around me and begged in my ears . It wasn 't in control , I was . The angrier I got , the more it screwed it with me . I eventually reached the point where it knew it could feed off of me , and now it wanted to lap up the wrath from my pores . I shuddered as it clung to me , and started to gag from the stench of the pit I was in . My mind whirled and I felt dizzy and I contemplated what the right thing to do was . Should I really give in to evil thoughts and pursue this path , letting this thing follow me like a stray dog ? Could I live with myself for any murder I send this thing out to commit ? I could be better than the others though , I could get rid of truly bad people . Wouldn 't that be good for the world ? I groaned as the light of the sun pierced my eyelids . I rolled over on the grass and dead leaves and sat up . Agatha and Julia sat just a few feet away , their shredded clothes draped over them as best as they could get them . When they noticed I was awake , Julia practically leapt into my arms and hugged me , beginning to cry . Agatha came over and offered me a paper cup of instant coffee . They told me that they awoke halfway through the night to find themselves naked and I was laid out spread eagle with my eyes rolled back in my head . When they touched me I screamed out in a horrific manner and slightly convulsed , then went still again . I muttered and groaned and they figured the thing had possessed me . They didn 't know what to do , so they waited to see if I was going to wake up . They asked if the demon was gone now , If I had beaten it . I simply nodded , and Julia hugged me tight again . Agatha seemed slightly leery of my claim , but accepted it and said that we should clean up and head to my home . It was the closest place and Laura and Joe were gone for the week on an anniversary trip , so the girls could get non torn clothes without too many questions . Life since then has been good . I graduated college , Julia and I have been living together , she works at Agatha 's shop now , and I took over the farm as Laura and Joe retired to another state . The world seems to be turning into a nicer place every day . |
My mother and I pulled into a handicapped parking space at the Mall of America at about 2 pm on Wednesday . ( We were still floating from the Clay handshakes we had received in Rockford on Monday night . The Clay touch has a long - lasting effect ! ! ) I must confess that the thought had flitted through my mind that this was just the kind of place that Clay would love to visit . I thought " what if he 's here ! ! " but I quickly forgot about it . After all , he 'd had a loooooong trip from Cleveland the previous night , and surely he 'd be asleep ! We went in and did what people do in malls . I rolled her wheelchair around , we looked at clothes and stuff , we ate hot dogs and ice cream , and I called a friend in NC to tell her we were in the biggest mall in the US . She told me to take pics for those who couldn 't go , but I decided to buy her a Mall t - shirt instead . I got it at one of those shops that sells just Minnesota and mall shirts and memorabilia . We were on the third floor of the Mall . About 5 : 30 , we emerged from the ladies room near the elevator . I rolled the chair down the short hallway that lead back into the mall . As I was looking ahead , I saw a guy standing in front of me talking on a cell phone . He was standing just outside the hallway to my left and had his back to me . I thought " my goodness , that guy looks just like S ' von ! ! " But I couldn 't be sure unless I saw his face . So I wheeled the chair on by him and looked up . We were about 6 feet in front of him . I leaned over to my mother 's right ( S ' von was to our left ) and whispered to her , " Look to your left ! ! It 's S ' von ! ! " When I looked up again , I saw Daniel standing next to him . Now I must interject here that I normally don 't pay doodley - squat attention to people around me unless I 'm looking for something or someone . When I walk though a crowd , half the time I don 't even notice people I know . When I drive down the road , I don 't look inside other cars to see who 's there . People are always calling me a stuck - up snot - rag for not waving at them . So , you see , I wasn 't looking for ANYONE in Minneapolis / St . Paul , much less OMC . Well , as soon as I practically stumbled over S ' von and Daniel , I said to my mom , " HE 's here somewhere . I can feel it ! ! " So I started looking around . I didn 't think to look behind me , since that 's where I had just been . But when I finally did , I swear my heart just stopped beating for a moment . If I had looked to my right as I had come down the hallway , I might have seen him . Or I might not . I could have walked right up to him . ( But I probably would have just passed out ! ! ) Now , my mama is 86 , and her eyes are not like they used to be . She turned her head and looked at him . She swears he looked right at her , but there 's really no way of knowing that . She says she kept looking at him trying to recognize him . She hasn 't seen 9000 pictures of him in the fedora like I have , so she was trying to figure out what was going on . We didn 't do any screaming or pointing or loud talking . In fact , I barely looked at him . One tiny glance was all I allowed myself - - it was all I needed . We did absolutely nothing to attract attention to ourselves - - with the possible exception of looking at him - - as unobtrusively as possible . ( Incidentally , it would not have been possible for me to scream because screaming requires breath , and I had a really short supply at that time . ) About that time , Clay slipped around the corner into the store . It was the same store that I had been in only a short while before - - the one from which I had bought my friend the t - shirt . He walked to the back of the store and appeared to be looking at shirts . I could see the top of his hat as he bent over . About that time , I saw Jerome in the store . He had on a green t - shirt that said Michigan State . I told Mama , " There 's Jerome . " She of the bad eyesight said , " Where 's Jerome . I don 't see Jerome . " So I had to roll the chair by the front of the store so she could see him . Somewhere in all this mix I also saw Nick . He was outside of the store , but I don 't exactly remember when I saw him . My head was spinning . After we got past the store front , we stopped and waited for a few minutes . We were not visible from the inside of the store . ( By that time , S ' von , Daniel , and Nick were nowhere to be seen . They seemed to have simply vanished . ) Jerome walked over to the wall near where we were and seemed to be looking at shirts hanging on the wall . He was only there a few seconds and went back toward the back . My mother said , " I 'll bet Jerome recognized you . " I explained to her that I had never spoken to Jerome , Nick , or any of the band members and that they would not know me . My mama was dying laughing . She thought it was just the greatest thing that Clay was hanging out in the mall and not getting recognized . I was just glad that he was getting to do something fun on his day off - - like a normal person . Before I go any further , let me assure you that I had absolutely no intention of approaching , speaking to , or following him . I waited because I wanted to catch another glimpse of him . I hoped that he would look my direction and I could put my finger to my lips in a shhhhhhh gesture and maybe wink . That way he 'd know that I recognized him but didn 't plan to tell anyone . So if any of you reading this account are starting to think that I was planning my stalking tactics , let me stop you now . I would NEVER do that . And besides , I can 't think of a single thing I could have said to him . Now , several days later , I can think of lots of things - - like maybe " you should get this green shirt because it goes with your eyes " - - but at the time all I could think of was - - " OMG , Clay 's in that store and what in the blue blazes am I gonna do now ? " I couldn 't have left if I 'd wanted to - - and I didn 't want to . There , I said it . No more Clay . No more Clay peeps . Time to leave . So we did . We just got on the elevator , rode down , got in our car , and left . If you folks knew me , you 'd know that I have a long history of being a worrywart . Not so much in recent years , but I used to be just awful . I 'd worry about every blessed thing . I got that quality from my mama . She 's a worrywart , too . Old habits die hard . We got to analyzing the encounter - - over and over . And I got to thinking that maybe Clay had seen us and realized that we recognized him . Maybe he had sent Jerome over to the side of the store to see if we were still there . Maybe even - - and I know it 's far - fetched - - but Clay could possibly have even recognized us from the handshake line in Rockford . I know what you 're probably thinking - - SCG must be delusional to think that out of the millions of people he sees that Clay would remember her . No , I don 't think that at all . But my mother is an old lady in a wheelchair . I had her right up there at the rope in Rockford . He took her hand , bent down , looked her square in the face with the sweetest expression . She told him how glad she was to see him , and he told her to be careful . I heard him say it . I have been told that Clay is very good with faces . ( I 'm awful with faces , so that 's another quality about him I admire . ) I can 't imagine that he 'd have remembered me , but it is not out of the realm of imagination that he may have remembered her . To automatically assume that he didn 't is a bit insulting to him - - just as to automatically assume that he did would be highly presumptuous . ( I know that I just split two infinitives , but I 'm a professional , and they needed splitting . Moving on . ) So of course I started to worry and feel bad . But mostly I felt sad . Poor Clay . He has as much right to enjoy the mall as anyone else , but he has to sneak around to do it . Had our presence caused him to run out the back door of that store rather than walk down the hall like everyone else ? Did he think that we would have done something to attract attention ? Did I make his already inconvenient life even more inconvenient ? Had I bothered him ? What if he should see us again somewhere and remember us ? Would he remember that we were the ones lurking outside the store and think we would have caused trouble ? Besides , it kind of hurt just the tiniest bit to think that he 'd have run away from a sweet old lady in a wheelchair . That just didn 't make any sense . But worry I did . And I felt really guilty , too ( another thing I do well ) . Just the thought that I could have done the tiniest little thing that may have caused our sweetie a problem just made me weep . Handicapped seating was down front in St . Paul . ( That 's why we went there , so my mother could actually SEE Clay perform up close . ) So I had lots of time before the show to run around and hunt people . I looked and looked for Jerome , but he must have been doing something else at the time . But I did find Nick . He was surrounded by pretty young girls who were getting his autograph and posing with him for photos . He seemed to be enjoying himself quite a bit . Finally , I was able to stop Nick and tell him that I needed to talk to him . I guess my veteran teacher tone came out when I said it because he grinned and said , " Uh oh , " just like my students would say when I said " I need to talk to you . " ( Only they 'd usually add , " I didn 't do it ! " Hee . ) Anyway , this is sort of the way our conversation went : Me : I 'm so sorry if I did something that I shouldn 't have done . We waited outside the store for him to come out . Maybe we shouldn 't have done it , but . . . . well . . . . . uh . . . . . . we 're . . . . . . . uh . . . . . . . human and all . Me : We weren 't stalking or following you guys . Honest . We 're from NC . We didn 't drive all the way up here with the intent of harassing Clay in the mall . He has just as much right to visit the mall in peace on his day off as I do . We are really big fans , but we are also very respectful of his privacy . Let me go on the record right now and say that Nick is an absolute sweetheart . A real doll - baby . And he 's awfully cute , too . He was very , very nice to me as well as patient with me in my distress . But , naturally , since Nick didn 't know what I was talking about , I had to go see Jerome , too . When I found him , he was also surrounded by a bevy of sweet young thangs , signing autographs , smiling and laughing up a storm . He kept telling them he had to get backstage but didn 't seem in any hurry to leave . I hung around for an eternity and finally got his attention . Jerome looked at me like I was completely insane . He assured me that I had done nothing wrong and that they had not seen us . ( Whew ! ! ! ) He asked me if I had said anything to anyone . I said , " Oh , no . Absolutely not . I didn 't say ANYTHING to ANYONE . " At the time , I thought he meant any other mall patrons , but now I think he meant Clay or any of his peeps . A young girl was standing next to me . She piped up and said , " Yeah , he wears his hat for a disguise . " I felt like hugging her . I told him I had been literally in tears over the incident . He looked at me very kindly and said , " Why ? " I tried to explain that I didn 't want to be the cause of them having to duck out the back door of the store . He smiled and said , " Don 't worry about it . We go out the back door of every place we go in . " It 's easy to imagine how one would behave if he / she suddenly ran into Clay . It 's not so easy when it actually happens . I do have some regrets about what I did / did not do . But I must say that it was a real learning experience . And if there truly are no accidents , then maybe someday I 'll find out why it happened the way it did . One more cute little thing . During " This Is the Night , " I was sitting there next to my mom swaying to the music . ( Yes , I was sitting - - I was in the handicapped section and couldn 't stand up . It was HARD not to stand . I did scream real loud , though . ) For some reason , Nick was standing in front of the stage . He was maybe 12 feet in front of me . I looked up and grinned . He held his hand up in front of his face and wiggled two fingers in a little wave . I gave him a little two - finger wave back . Awwww . How sweet ! ! He remembered me ! And he understood my worries . And he obviously didn 't think I was nuts - - and that in itself gave me a sigh of relief . Advertisement I could sit here and ramble on and on about how much I love you . However , I bet you have heard that from thousands and thousands of fans . I could say over and over and over again how much you mean to me , but again you have probably heard every variety of " I love you " and " you 're the best " possible by now . Instead of all that , let me explain what you mean to me . Your singing is not singing to me . Itï ¿½ s not a voice . Itï ¿½ s a sound . The most beautiful sound that the world has ever known . A sound that completely makes you stop dead in your tracks and you canï ¿½ t help but listen to and get completely engulfed in . Itï ¿½ s a sound that stirs something in my soul , something I never knew was there . I feel a strange feeling when I hear you sing , that Iï ¿½ ve never felt before and it only happens when I hear you . Like you Clay , I also grew up in North Carolina . For a big part of my childhood , I would live there with my grandfather . He had a house down there , with his own boat and dock . During the summer , he would take me to his house and it was just he and I out there . Every time weï ¿½ d go down there , he would play this song for me in his car . ï ¿½ Carolina In My Mindï ¿½ by James Taylor . I immediately fell in love with the song and it became my instant favorite . The song was describing exactly what we were doing . ï ¿½ Are we there yet , ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ d ask . ï ¿½ Not yet , ï ¿½ he said with a laugh . ï ¿½ But , almost . ï ¿½ The song kept going . So , we stayed down there during the summer . When summer was over , that meant I had to go back to school . He was going to stay down there a little bit longer , so I had to leave him . ï ¿½ Weï ¿½ re going to come back , right ? ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ d say , right before I left . ï ¿½ Yes , of course , ï ¿½ he said . ï ¿½ Donï ¿½ t worry , I will see you before you know it . ï ¿½ Thatï ¿½ s how it was . Him and me were so close . We had the best time out there , fishing and everything else . However , earlier this year I heard that Clayï ¿½ s biological father died . I had no time to react when I soon found out , that my grandfather had a heart attack and passed away that day . Heï ¿½ s gone ? ? What ? I didnï ¿½ t want to believe it . I had been lucky and never had so much a friend pass away before , now someone in my family has ? I was depressed . I couldnï ¿½ t sleep . Couldnï ¿½ t eat . I was in a rut . I felt like Iï ¿½ d never be happy again . I wanted to die to be with him . I didnï ¿½ t want to be human . I wanted to crawl in a hole in the ground and never come back up . It went on like this for a whileï ¿½ . However , one dayï ¿½ . Iï ¿½ m not sure why , but one day I was visiting a Clay site . The Independent Tour had just started . They had video of the previous concert . While browsing through the new songs , I noticed ï ¿½ Carolina In My Mindï ¿½ was a choice . I knew that was my favorite song and was thrilled that Clay had sung it . I downloaded it , just expecting to hear his version of a classic song . FLASH ! I suddenly wasnï ¿½ t in my room . My mind had taken me back . I was in a car , going to Carolina with my grandfather . ï ¿½ Are you there yet , ï ¿½ I asked , and he laughed like he heard that question for the millionth time . ï ¿½ Not yet , but soon . ï ¿½ ï ¿½ I love you granddad , ï ¿½ I heard myself say , like I said to him every time that song played . His response was still the same . ï ¿½ I love you , too . ï ¿½ By this time , I could feel the depression leaving me . All the sadness , depressed thoughts , and everything else was going away . It was like I could feel it leaving me . Clay made me realize that my grandfather isnï ¿½ t truly gone . Heï ¿½ s still watching over me . The song went on . ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ m going to see you again , right granddad , ï ¿½ I asked . ï ¿½ Yes , ï ¿½ he said . Then he said something he never said to me in the car those years back . I heard him say ï ¿½ You can see me everyday . Iï ¿½ m always here . ï ¿½ Clayï ¿½ s golden voice had come to a close . The song was over . I must have just sat there and stared at the computer screen for hours . Clay had given me the chance to make peace . ï ¿½ Thank you Clay , ï ¿½ I said . As I left the computer , I could still hear it . And , I always would . When I die someday and see my grandfather again , Iï ¿½ m going to tell him that a skinny nerd from North Carolina let me know that he was doing all right . Iï ¿½ m sure heï ¿½ ll get a kick out of that . Until thenï ¿½ . been decided that my mother would be the one to go . And why ? My daughter Chelsea had gotten the opportunity to sit in the 4th row at Clays concert in Roanoke , ( Clays bodyguard and right - hand man ) there to sing a song for Clay . It looked pretty good for Chelsea that night , and we were extremely excited . When she sang We met at Joan Datzs house . There were four women from New Jersey meeting two from California . Could be strange , but it wasnt - my mother and I have roots in the east - born and bred in New York , so we can easily relate . We clicked , they loved us and we loved them . Janet introduced us to her sweet daughter Sheena , We laughed a lot . Sam the driver showed up , came in , took a seat and shared in the conversation . He reminded me of an Italian Jerome - built like him , same anticipation of a great night ahead . What more could any of us want ? It was a smooth ride all the way in , and then Sam had to slam on the brakes . My toes got a their odds would be now . He sounded pretty worried . I tried to offer some words of support and prepare him for a realistic outcome . We could only just wait and Caesars Palace , the Primavera . I frankly , was worried about the poppies there . I was sure there would be lots of food and drink and celebration going on , and I between the ladies and this man , and they were all connected . I was told that he was very established in business and also there at the hotel . That became very obvious when he made his entrance and sat down at the table . The maitre d and other staff hung around a lot . In fact , I dont know that they ever left . They We were a party of eight and we sat at a large round table . John sat directly across the table from me . My mother was to his right . I was worried about conversing with him , since I was far away , and his voice did not carry . But my wonderful mother took care of all of that . What a trooper ! Shirley , the Clay . They were pictures of Raleigh . No , not Toto the dog , Raleigh . Raleigh , Clays home town ( you know , back in Kansas , um , I mean , North Carolina ) , Raleigh . I And since Raleigh has come up , I must insert a note about it here . Obviously , we had already been to Raleigh by the time we made it to the AC concert . Our time forever when I left , and I really do know that I was tucked into theirs . One woman in particular by the name of Robbin Yates is a stand - out . This lady has an unending capacity for love , understanding and generosity in the giving of her time to help others . She has helped me in so many ways . And from the time we left go to the casino after the concert by handing out $ to gamble with . A generous man , but I was put off a little by it , I must admit . I let my friend Janet know side of the table right in front of the stage was my mom . Janet said that she will never forget the look on my face as I took that seat , and the music began . I them . Afterwards , Id become an avid participant in all of the classroom discussions ; critiquing and analyzing each play and plot . When it was over , I would So what did I do ? I dedicated myself to the service of others , but continued to read my stories , and dabble in the writing end of things . I wrote many stories positive response from readers with messages to continue to produce more in the future . Im encouraged . I feel like I have found my musethe one that spurs me on or at least have met him . Sadly , this is not the case . But I do have to say that I feel I have always had an affinity for the man that is somewhat and the way in which he dealt with people that he met . Oh yes , I recognized the talentit was undeniable . But it was something else that drew me to him . Clay Aiken . So , one of my goals all along this journey of mine has been to get to know him in whatever way I can . One of the ways I thought I could achieve down in a chair and said Just listen to this . From that point on , she turned her life around . Does she still struggle , have issues or problems ? Oh , probably - We went on to meet two other Raleigh Clay ladies that day . The first , a lady by the name of Celeste invited us to her home for banana bread and lemonade . This it on his sleeve . This is when he had taken me in , because thats what he doeshe lets everyone in . Needless to say , this was a very appropriate welcome for us on that show since . This DVD she was playing was a special edited version of just Clay Aiken and all that he did on American Idol 2 . Celeste had found this on We loved spending time at Celestes house . What could be better than lemonade , home made banana bread and Clay Aiken on TV ? Celeste keeps writing to tell me she style . I had commented just once that I would love to taste what Clay talks about so muchthat North Carolina pulled pork ( hope ahm sayin it right ) . So off we When we arrived , we met the fourth Raleigh heart & soul sister , Dora . Dora is unique and adorable . Blonde , with the prettiest blue eyes youll ever see ; she looks deep into yours when shes talking to you and holds you fast with her gaze . Very endearing , and quite a hoot ! When she and Robbin get together , watch out ! OK Claymy review of this pork BBQ . Um , no . Not that it was bad or anything , just kind ofhard to get used to ! A little bit vinegary . I liked the hush puppies and the coleslaw slaw was really good . Cant drink sweet tea ! Theyre not kidding when they call it sweet are they ? I kept trying the pork , thinking it would be better after a few mouthfuls . After awhile , it was OK . I think its something that you have to develop a taste for , as in growing up with that flavor if you During this dinner and afterward , we never stopped talking . LET ME TELL YOU , these North Carolina women CAN TALK ! I have never seen the likes of it ! Im sure The tour was a riot . Yes , it was pretty hilarious . My last Raleigh lady showed up to complete the group on this Saturday and she evened us out a bit . Now try to picture this . All of the women talked at just about the same time . Remember , I told you Raleigh women have a knack for it , and just because one is simply venture in a few feet to see Clay Aikens clothes displayed in a large Plexiglas case ! It was cute . And of course we had to take pictures . Next , we walked across the way to look at the state house . Yes , we actually visited something that was non - Clay related ! Remember , Raleigh is the NC state possibility of Clay going into politics . Everyone said he wouldnt do it . I kind of thought that was the case . But wouldnt it be nice to have someone like him hot sign is not on ! And they continued to say it , so I had to ask . It means the donuts are not being made right at that time , so if you buy one , it wont be hot . I have to confess , I dont ever remember eating a hot donut before . But they insisted theyre best when theyre hot . Well , all of them , except Kathy Mack . Chelsea wanted to see the room where the kids had duct taped Clay to the wall . We all began speculating where it might have taken place . Since we were talking " He was just always foolin ' around . He leapt over the front desk from time to time " . ( A vision of Clay leaping from the stairs to the stage " Well , one day he was up here workin ' , and all of a sudden just disappeared into the back room . A few minutes went by , and the phone rang . I answered questions . Ah didn 't know what to think of him , and ah tried to answer the best ah could , but the questions got more and more stupid . Ah was about to lose unhappiness about it too . I thanked her and wrote her name down , asking if it was ok to quote her . She was very amenable . Who wouldn 't be when it comes to You can 't visit Raleigh and feel Clays presence unless you see his church . It was Saturday , and it was closed , but we walked around the grounds . It seemed small . It was quaint , with a tall , skinny bell tower in front and a sign below it saying " God is Love " . The grounds around to the back were bucolic forward to going to church again . It had been a long time , and I felt it would be special because it was Clay 's church . Sunday morning at Leesville Baptist We really couldn 't see much , since everything was closed for summer vacation . We peeked inside the glass entry doors and strolled and chatted . Someone , I weeks ahead to arrange the reservation for the dinner . She had told them we 'd be a group of about 13 - 15 people , all with a common interest : Clay Aiken . The ' 80 's . A mutual friend had reminded me that Carol had moved to Raleigh in the early 90 's , and got us back in touch . What a treat to see an old to publish them . Pamela said she was familiar with my work , and welcomed me with open arms . I returned the kudos by telling her how how professional and well what might appear to be very little personal gain for her efforts . When you talk to her about it , she claims that the reward is simply in the doing of it . She Debbie is open and real . She comes across as the kind of person that couldn 't be mean to anyone , even if she tried . Her voice matches her disposition - - sweet , high , and lilting , with a gentle southern twang . When you think of her later , it is the melodious sound of her voice that comes to mind . I effort . OK - - there were a couple of people that night that spoke of non - Clay related things : my husband and our friend Carol Douglas . They were reminiscing It was time to say our goodbyes and go . I left there that night with my head in the clouds , and my feet not quite on the ground . I had spent a terrific evening Then it was Sunday , and I was invited to church - - Leesville Baptist Church . I hadn 't been to church in a very long time . Well , I had a talk with God about It isn 't the kind of experience one can share with the world . It was a personal thing for me . All I will say is that it was a very mixed bag of emotions , times before . And when I held her hand , I noticed her hands resembled her son 's - - slender , with long fingers . I would be taking Clay 's hand in mine didn 't have to talk to her . Now , I did , and it was difficult to keep myself from getting tongue - tied . But she has an easy manner , and of course that sweet kind of bittersweet feeling in my heart . Because Raleigh was everything I had envisioned it to be . It was where Clay had lived and where I had the opportunity During the first part of this opening song , something happened for me that had never happened before . I had physical contact with Clay Aiken . When he first walked out on stage , I 'm sure he panned his audience - he always does that - he looks over the crowd as he 's singing . And this time , I was right up front , next to the stage on the right side ( his left ) . I was sure he looked directly at me , ( it felt like he looked right THROUGH me ) . Next thing I know , he 's walking over towards our group , leaning over , and reaching out to take each of our hands ! He started with a couple of people one table over from us , and in a couple of seconds he reached towards me . I grabbed his hand and we had a little tug between us ( blush , blush ) because I hung on a bit . He gently but assertively pulled his hand from mine so that he could proceed to others . And at that moment , I became one of the fortunate people in the world that would never be the same because I had felt that touch . On stage , Clay Aiken is completely and utterly a man now . There is no mistaking him for a boy anymore , like we sometimes used to do on AI . He moves like a man , he 's built like a man , and he has all the confidence of a man . No more boy . O . K . , I will give you this one bit of leeway . In still photographs , and sometimes with certain expressions when he is videotaped , there remains the look of the boy even now . He definitely has the boyish grin still about his face , which will probably forever remain . But the moves on stage are not those of a boy . Even during the cute , sexy and sometimes comical moves that he does during " Rosanna " ( I think it 's my favorite ) , we can only come away with pure , unrelenting man . And believe me , I think its OK with everyone that watches him up there . It was definitely OK that night . I must interject that at this point in time , I am not a great reporting journalist . I think I could be O . K . , with some experience , but I 'm not right now . If I were ever to do an actual interview with Clay ( which is obviously my dream ) , I would have to be extremely attentive to detail and record everything chronologically very carefully that was said and exchanged . So , in this case , I cannot comment on each song as it was sung in the correct order and give you each detail that occurred in the way that Clay performed . It was and is a very emotional experience for me ; I think you can tell this about me from my writing . So what you 'll get here about his performance will be more of an emotional reaction to his music , instead of a detailed account of his songs and each note he hit . I 'll give you stand - outs and highlights . Our Dorothy was brought up on stage shortly after Clay had finished featuring the dancer from the audience . Since my seat was all the way to the right of the stage as you face it , I could see Chelsea standing in the wings for a brief moment waiting to go on , and my heart was already beating as if Derek was pounding it with those drumsticks of his for all it was worth . Out she came , looking pretty calm and cool , I must say . Clay asked if she was nervous , but Rachel , the stagehand was talking to Chelsea in her ear , and she had a hard time listening to both . Chelsea finally got on track with Clay and he did a little interview with her . Here are just a few cute little exchanges that come to mind : That 's OK . You know , the first time I tried I didn 't make it , and you see that girl right up there ? ( Pointing at Quiana ) She beat me ! ( Chelsea laughs ) . OK , what are you going to sing ? She takes off on her own again and Clay motions to the audience for applause for Chelsea . It is at this point that we see a little something going on in the background in the way of a positive reaction from our beloved scarecrow , ( Clays back - up singer ) , Jacob . And he comes through for Chelsea in a big way later on in the evening . Miss Austin and Mr . Aiken end it with the blending of their voices - hers so high , so young and sweet , and his , holding back somewhat on the power so that hers can still be heard . Chelsea hangs on to good pitch and the correct key even when Clay comes in with the harmony . It sounded sweet ! I had been digging my fingernails into my mother 's arm . She didn 't say a word , because she was so entranced . My only regret was that I didn 't see my husband 's face during all of it . But I know how he looked . And I 'll have a picture of that look in my mind for all time . Clay went on from here to do the best of the three concerts I had seen him perform in . He was on . I had hoped he would let loose and have fun with it , and that 's what I saw him do up there for the rest of the night . The James Taylor acoustic set was a treat , as we watched Clay really enjoy playing back - up singer to Angela , Quiana and Jacobs lead renditions of Taylors popular songs . Clay was having lots of fun with all of that and his delight and jubilation when he played around with each song and all of his friends on stage was contagious . The ladies sitting at my table had NEVER seen Clay live before , and I knew what they were experiencing for the first time ; pure exultation bouncing off of him and onto them . This is the reason why there is nothing else like seeing him live . Ive been to lots of concerts in my life , and no one has the ability to transfer that feeling of joy like he can . Hes the only one Ive ever witnessed who does it so successfully . My favorites that night , aside from " Rosanna " , were " Kyrie " , " Measure of a Man " , " You Were There " and always , " Solitaire " . I have come to really love " You Were There " because of the beauty of the song and the sound of his voice when he sings it . I don 't know why anyone would be opposed to him singing it after hearing him the first time . He is truly inspired when he performs that particular song . If I were to change anything , I would remove the visuals from the monitors . I don 't think they 're necessary and I feel they distract from his beautiful delivery of the song . But wait , I forgot - - " Invisible " ! ! Always a favorite , if not the ultimate favorite song of the night , and this night was no different . I take that back . This night was very different , even with " Invisible " , because it was during this song that I got to touch Clay again ! " Invisible " is the last song of the set ( before his encore , " Solitaire " ) and it is THE get - up - on - your - feet choice for everyone each time . We were definitely up with " Invisible , and when Clay jumped down from the stairs , we soared . Soon after that , he came over again to hold hands with a few of us . He reached towards me , and this time I didn 't want to tug . So I slid my hand into his and pulled it away gently and quickly . I just didn 't want him to think I had to be overzealous with the hand touches . It was wonderful to know that I had made contact not just once , but twice in one night . I won 't forget it . Everyone loves " Invisible " because the chorus has everyone dancing and clapping and crazed , but then comes the bridge that slows down , and the crowd waits to see where he 'll go for the " reach out , but you don 't even see me " bit . It just happened to be the young woman right next to me , and although I was a little envious , I just got a real kick out of watching him so up close and personal this time milking this part for all it 's worth . Our Mr . Aiken was so schmaltzy - and the crowd just ate it up ! ! We watched him disappear down into the stage as he gave that little salute to say goodbye . And then the lights came up . I had to breathe a big sigh , because immediate exhaustion set in probably due to some nerves I had goin on for Chelsea earlier in the evening . And too , that man just exhausts me anyway up there with what he does ! All in all , there was a serious sense of satisfaction that set in from the entire experience . Right outside the theater doors , there were lots of people of milling around . We met little Dorothy out there with flushed cheeks and a new Clay Aiken signed T - shirt she had already put on . There was the tin - man standing beside her grinning from ear to ear . He didnt have his heart ; his daughter had stolen it when she gave her performance that night . And after a little while , out came Jacob the scarecrow ! I happened to be standing right by the door when he burst out looking very fresh and happy . He took one look at me , said HI ! in a really exuberant way , and proceeded to give me a very surprising , enveloping kind of hug ! I dont know what I did to deserve such a wonderful reaction , but it felt good , so I kind of went with it . I think Mr . Luttrell thought I was someone he knew , or should know or something , since I was at times , resting my arms on the stage , and I was so close I was in his face for much of the time on that side of the stage . I remember he did smile at me when I mimicked his dance moves that night . And now , we spoke for a few minutes . I asked about Clay and if one could possibly catch a glimpse of him after the show , but Jacobs lips were locked regarding that subject . We then linked up with Chelsea , and Jacob spoke with her about her performance , saying that he had her in his ear ( the sound earpiece , I guess ) and she was " awesome . " They talked for some time and they took a lot of pictures together that were being shot by many different strangers - all fans of Clay Aikens . Jacob definitely is scarecrow material . Let me clarify . In no way is he scary . Hes one of the handsomest young men youll see in the business . Quite cute . But , he is a lean , loose legged dancer that is a friend to all with a very big brain , I might add - - he seemed very intelligent indeed . Chelsea felt so comfortable with Jacob , and I believe she gave him the easiest - dude - to - hang - with prize that night . In the meantime , my NJ ladies were kind of speechless , looked exhausted yet exhilarated and just stood by smiling in the after - glow of a terrific , never to be forgotten night with Clay Aiken . It was time to say our goodbyes . They were being whisked away by Sam , and my little family was going to seek some quiet time to discuss all that had transpired there in the Emerald City that night before hitting the yellow brick road again back to the hotel . We hugged and kissed and hugged again . We made plans to correspond , keep in touch and never forget the night when all of us ladies first met and we went to see Clay live , on stage together , and our little Dorothy just happened to sing with him up there too ! While sitting in the Coffee Shop in the hotel , sipping on a root beer float to quench the thirst that had been building , I looked over at Chelsea and her still very - pink cheeks . Her eyes were so bright and there was a constant little smile pushing up the corners of her mouth that I dont think she was aware of . Many people in the place applauded her , some came over to talk with her and ask about her past experience . She got a tiny taste of the kind of thing that happens when people see you up there , and they like you . Made her kind of think about Clay and his huge fame and what that must be like . We were going home the next morning . Chelsea told me she was ready . She said she was wanting to go home . She still couldn 't believe she had made the trip over the rainbow , and that she had met the wizard that finally showed her he didn 't really have any magic tricks in that black bag for her ; that she really always had the power to do what she did , all by herself . But now , she was ready for home , her own bed , her friends and her very missed puppy dogs . I nodded in agreement . I was ready to go home too . I stroked her hair , and thought to myself , Hey Auntie Em . . . . There 's no place . . . " No wait . |
My mother and I pulled into a handicapped parking space at the Mall of America at about 2 pm on Wednesday . ( We were still floating from the Clay handshakes we had received in Rockford on Monday night . The Clay touch has a long - lasting effect ! ! ) I must confess that the thought had flitted through my mind that this was just the kind of place that Clay would love to visit . I thought " what if he 's here ! ! " but I quickly forgot about it . After all , he 'd had a loooooong trip from Cleveland the previous night , and surely he 'd be asleep ! We went in and did what people do in malls . I rolled her wheelchair around , we looked at clothes and stuff , we ate hot dogs and ice cream , and I called a friend in NC to tell her we were in the biggest mall in the US . She told me to take pics for those who couldn 't go , but I decided to buy her a Mall t - shirt instead . I got it at one of those shops that sells just Minnesota and mall shirts and memorabilia . We were on the third floor of the Mall . About 5 : 30 , we emerged from the ladies room near the elevator . I rolled the chair down the short hallway that lead back into the mall . As I was looking ahead , I saw a guy standing in front of me talking on a cell phone . He was standing just outside the hallway to my left and had his back to me . I thought " my goodness , that guy looks just like S ' von ! ! " But I couldn 't be sure unless I saw his face . So I wheeled the chair on by him and looked up . We were about 6 feet in front of him . I leaned over to my mother 's right ( S ' von was to our left ) and whispered to her , " Look to your left ! ! It 's S ' von ! ! " When I looked up again , I saw Daniel standing next to him . Now I must interject here that I normally don 't pay doodley - squat attention to people around me unless I 'm looking for something or someone . When I walk though a crowd , half the time I don 't even notice people I know . When I drive down the road , I don 't look inside other cars to see who 's there . People are always calling me a stuck - up snot - rag for not waving at them . So , you see , I wasn 't looking for ANYONE in Minneapolis / St . Paul , much less OMC . Well , as soon as I practically stumbled over S ' von and Daniel , I said to my mom , " HE 's here somewhere . I can feel it ! ! " So I started looking around . I didn 't think to look behind me , since that 's where I had just been . But when I finally did , I swear my heart just stopped beating for a moment . If I had looked to my right as I had come down the hallway , I might have seen him . Or I might not . I could have walked right up to him . ( But I probably would have just passed out ! ! ) Now , my mama is 86 , and her eyes are not like they used to be . She turned her head and looked at him . She swears he looked right at her , but there 's really no way of knowing that . She says she kept looking at him trying to recognize him . She hasn 't seen 9000 pictures of him in the fedora like I have , so she was trying to figure out what was going on . We didn 't do any screaming or pointing or loud talking . In fact , I barely looked at him . One tiny glance was all I allowed myself - - it was all I needed . We did absolutely nothing to attract attention to ourselves - - with the possible exception of looking at him - - as unobtrusively as possible . ( Incidentally , it would not have been possible for me to scream because screaming requires breath , and I had a really short supply at that time . ) About that time , Clay slipped around the corner into the store . It was the same store that I had been in only a short while before - - the one from which I had bought my friend the t - shirt . He walked to the back of the store and appeared to be looking at shirts . I could see the top of his hat as he bent over . About that time , I saw Jerome in the store . He had on a green t - shirt that said Michigan State . I told Mama , " There 's Jerome . " She of the bad eyesight said , " Where 's Jerome . I don 't see Jerome . " So I had to roll the chair by the front of the store so she could see him . Somewhere in all this mix I also saw Nick . He was outside of the store , but I don 't exactly remember when I saw him . My head was spinning . After we got past the store front , we stopped and waited for a few minutes . We were not visible from the inside of the store . ( By that time , S ' von , Daniel , and Nick were nowhere to be seen . They seemed to have simply vanished . ) Jerome walked over to the wall near where we were and seemed to be looking at shirts hanging on the wall . He was only there a few seconds and went back toward the back . My mother said , " I 'll bet Jerome recognized you . " I explained to her that I had never spoken to Jerome , Nick , or any of the band members and that they would not know me . My mama was dying laughing . She thought it was just the greatest thing that Clay was hanging out in the mall and not getting recognized . I was just glad that he was getting to do something fun on his day off - - like a normal person . Before I go any further , let me assure you that I had absolutely no intention of approaching , speaking to , or following him . I waited because I wanted to catch another glimpse of him . I hoped that he would look my direction and I could put my finger to my lips in a shhhhhhh gesture and maybe wink . That way he 'd know that I recognized him but didn 't plan to tell anyone . So if any of you reading this account are starting to think that I was planning my stalking tactics , let me stop you now . I would NEVER do that . And besides , I can 't think of a single thing I could have said to him . Now , several days later , I can think of lots of things - - like maybe " you should get this green shirt because it goes with your eyes " - - but at the time all I could think of was - - " OMG , Clay 's in that store and what in the blue blazes am I gonna do now ? " I couldn 't have left if I 'd wanted to - - and I didn 't want to . There , I said it . No more Clay . No more Clay peeps . Time to leave . So we did . We just got on the elevator , rode down , got in our car , and left . If you folks knew me , you 'd know that I have a long history of being a worrywart . Not so much in recent years , but I used to be just awful . I 'd worry about every blessed thing . I got that quality from my mama . She 's a worrywart , too . Old habits die hard . We got to analyzing the encounter - - over and over . And I got to thinking that maybe Clay had seen us and realized that we recognized him . Maybe he had sent Jerome over to the side of the store to see if we were still there . Maybe even - - and I know it 's far - fetched - - but Clay could possibly have even recognized us from the handshake line in Rockford . I know what you 're probably thinking - - SCG must be delusional to think that out of the millions of people he sees that Clay would remember her . No , I don 't think that at all . But my mother is an old lady in a wheelchair . I had her right up there at the rope in Rockford . He took her hand , bent down , looked her square in the face with the sweetest expression . She told him how glad she was to see him , and he told her to be careful . I heard him say it . I have been told that Clay is very good with faces . ( I 'm awful with faces , so that 's another quality about him I admire . ) I can 't imagine that he 'd have remembered me , but it is not out of the realm of imagination that he may have remembered her . To automatically assume that he didn 't is a bit insulting to him - - just as to automatically assume that he did would be highly presumptuous . ( I know that I just split two infinitives , but I 'm a professional , and they needed splitting . Moving on . ) So of course I started to worry and feel bad . But mostly I felt sad . Poor Clay . He has as much right to enjoy the mall as anyone else , but he has to sneak around to do it . Had our presence caused him to run out the back door of that store rather than walk down the hall like everyone else ? Did he think that we would have done something to attract attention ? Did I make his already inconvenient life even more inconvenient ? Had I bothered him ? What if he should see us again somewhere and remember us ? Would he remember that we were the ones lurking outside the store and think we would have caused trouble ? Besides , it kind of hurt just the tiniest bit to think that he 'd have run away from a sweet old lady in a wheelchair . That just didn 't make any sense . But worry I did . And I felt really guilty , too ( another thing I do well ) . Just the thought that I could have done the tiniest little thing that may have caused our sweetie a problem just made me weep . Handicapped seating was down front in St . Paul . ( That 's why we went there , so my mother could actually SEE Clay perform up close . ) So I had lots of time before the show to run around and hunt people . I looked and looked for Jerome , but he must have been doing something else at the time . But I did find Nick . He was surrounded by pretty young girls who were getting his autograph and posing with him for photos . He seemed to be enjoying himself quite a bit . Finally , I was able to stop Nick and tell him that I needed to talk to him . I guess my veteran teacher tone came out when I said it because he grinned and said , " Uh oh , " just like my students would say when I said " I need to talk to you . " ( Only they 'd usually add , " I didn 't do it ! " Hee . ) Anyway , this is sort of the way our conversation went : Me : I 'm so sorry if I did something that I shouldn 't have done . We waited outside the store for him to come out . Maybe we shouldn 't have done it , but . . . . well . . . . . uh . . . . . . we 're . . . . . . . uh . . . . . . . human and all . Me : We weren 't stalking or following you guys . Honest . We 're from NC . We didn 't drive all the way up here with the intent of harassing Clay in the mall . He has just as much right to visit the mall in peace on his day off as I do . We are really big fans , but we are also very respectful of his privacy . Let me go on the record right now and say that Nick is an absolute sweetheart . A real doll - baby . And he 's awfully cute , too . He was very , very nice to me as well as patient with me in my distress . But , naturally , since Nick didn 't know what I was talking about , I had to go see Jerome , too . When I found him , he was also surrounded by a bevy of sweet young thangs , signing autographs , smiling and laughing up a storm . He kept telling them he had to get backstage but didn 't seem in any hurry to leave . I hung around for an eternity and finally got his attention . Jerome looked at me like I was completely insane . He assured me that I had done nothing wrong and that they had not seen us . ( Whew ! ! ! ) He asked me if I had said anything to anyone . I said , " Oh , no . Absolutely not . I didn 't say ANYTHING to ANYONE . " At the time , I thought he meant any other mall patrons , but now I think he meant Clay or any of his peeps . A young girl was standing next to me . She piped up and said , " Yeah , he wears his hat for a disguise . " I felt like hugging her . I told him I had been literally in tears over the incident . He looked at me very kindly and said , " Why ? " I tried to explain that I didn 't want to be the cause of them having to duck out the back door of the store . He smiled and said , " Don 't worry about it . We go out the back door of every place we go in . " It 's easy to imagine how one would behave if he / she suddenly ran into Clay . It 's not so easy when it actually happens . I do have some regrets about what I did / did not do . But I must say that it was a real learning experience . And if there truly are no accidents , then maybe someday I 'll find out why it happened the way it did . One more cute little thing . During " This Is the Night , " I was sitting there next to my mom swaying to the music . ( Yes , I was sitting - - I was in the handicapped section and couldn 't stand up . It was HARD not to stand . I did scream real loud , though . ) For some reason , Nick was standing in front of the stage . He was maybe 12 feet in front of me . I looked up and grinned . He held his hand up in front of his face and wiggled two fingers in a little wave . I gave him a little two - finger wave back . Awwww . How sweet ! ! He remembered me ! And he understood my worries . And he obviously didn 't think I was nuts - - and that in itself gave me a sigh of relief . Advertisement I could sit here and ramble on and on about how much I love you . However , I bet you have heard that from thousands and thousands of fans . I could say over and over and over again how much you mean to me , but again you have probably heard every variety of " I love you " and " you 're the best " possible by now . Instead of all that , let me explain what you mean to me . Your singing is not singing to me . Itï ¿½ s not a voice . Itï ¿½ s a sound . The most beautiful sound that the world has ever known . A sound that completely makes you stop dead in your tracks and you canï ¿½ t help but listen to and get completely engulfed in . Itï ¿½ s a sound that stirs something in my soul , something I never knew was there . I feel a strange feeling when I hear you sing , that Iï ¿½ ve never felt before and it only happens when I hear you . Like you Clay , I also grew up in North Carolina . For a big part of my childhood , I would live there with my grandfather . He had a house down there , with his own boat and dock . During the summer , he would take me to his house and it was just he and I out there . Every time weï ¿½ d go down there , he would play this song for me in his car . ï ¿½ Carolina In My Mindï ¿½ by James Taylor . I immediately fell in love with the song and it became my instant favorite . The song was describing exactly what we were doing . ï ¿½ Are we there yet , ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ d ask . ï ¿½ Not yet , ï ¿½ he said with a laugh . ï ¿½ But , almost . ï ¿½ The song kept going . So , we stayed down there during the summer . When summer was over , that meant I had to go back to school . He was going to stay down there a little bit longer , so I had to leave him . ï ¿½ Weï ¿½ re going to come back , right ? ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ d say , right before I left . ï ¿½ Yes , of course , ï ¿½ he said . ï ¿½ Donï ¿½ t worry , I will see you before you know it . ï ¿½ Thatï ¿½ s how it was . Him and me were so close . We had the best time out there , fishing and everything else . However , earlier this year I heard that Clayï ¿½ s biological father died . I had no time to react when I soon found out , that my grandfather had a heart attack and passed away that day . Heï ¿½ s gone ? ? What ? I didnï ¿½ t want to believe it . I had been lucky and never had so much a friend pass away before , now someone in my family has ? I was depressed . I couldnï ¿½ t sleep . Couldnï ¿½ t eat . I was in a rut . I felt like Iï ¿½ d never be happy again . I wanted to die to be with him . I didnï ¿½ t want to be human . I wanted to crawl in a hole in the ground and never come back up . It went on like this for a whileï ¿½ . However , one dayï ¿½ . Iï ¿½ m not sure why , but one day I was visiting a Clay site . The Independent Tour had just started . They had video of the previous concert . While browsing through the new songs , I noticed ï ¿½ Carolina In My Mindï ¿½ was a choice . I knew that was my favorite song and was thrilled that Clay had sung it . I downloaded it , just expecting to hear his version of a classic song . FLASH ! I suddenly wasnï ¿½ t in my room . My mind had taken me back . I was in a car , going to Carolina with my grandfather . ï ¿½ Are you there yet , ï ¿½ I asked , and he laughed like he heard that question for the millionth time . ï ¿½ Not yet , but soon . ï ¿½ ï ¿½ I love you granddad , ï ¿½ I heard myself say , like I said to him every time that song played . His response was still the same . ï ¿½ I love you , too . ï ¿½ By this time , I could feel the depression leaving me . All the sadness , depressed thoughts , and everything else was going away . It was like I could feel it leaving me . Clay made me realize that my grandfather isnï ¿½ t truly gone . Heï ¿½ s still watching over me . The song went on . ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ m going to see you again , right granddad , ï ¿½ I asked . ï ¿½ Yes , ï ¿½ he said . Then he said something he never said to me in the car those years back . I heard him say ï ¿½ You can see me everyday . Iï ¿½ m always here . ï ¿½ Clayï ¿½ s golden voice had come to a close . The song was over . I must have just sat there and stared at the computer screen for hours . Clay had given me the chance to make peace . ï ¿½ Thank you Clay , ï ¿½ I said . As I left the computer , I could still hear it . And , I always would . When I die someday and see my grandfather again , Iï ¿½ m going to tell him that a skinny nerd from North Carolina let me know that he was doing all right . Iï ¿½ m sure heï ¿½ ll get a kick out of that . Until thenï ¿½ . been decided that my mother would be the one to go . And why ? My daughter Chelsea had gotten the opportunity to sit in the 4th row at Clays concert in Roanoke , ( Clays bodyguard and right - hand man ) there to sing a song for Clay . It looked pretty good for Chelsea that night , and we were extremely excited . When she sang We met at Joan Datzs house . There were four women from New Jersey meeting two from California . Could be strange , but it wasnt - my mother and I have roots in the east - born and bred in New York , so we can easily relate . We clicked , they loved us and we loved them . Janet introduced us to her sweet daughter Sheena , We laughed a lot . Sam the driver showed up , came in , took a seat and shared in the conversation . He reminded me of an Italian Jerome - built like him , same anticipation of a great night ahead . What more could any of us want ? It was a smooth ride all the way in , and then Sam had to slam on the brakes . My toes got a their odds would be now . He sounded pretty worried . I tried to offer some words of support and prepare him for a realistic outcome . We could only just wait and Caesars Palace , the Primavera . I frankly , was worried about the poppies there . I was sure there would be lots of food and drink and celebration going on , and I between the ladies and this man , and they were all connected . I was told that he was very established in business and also there at the hotel . That became very obvious when he made his entrance and sat down at the table . The maitre d and other staff hung around a lot . In fact , I dont know that they ever left . They We were a party of eight and we sat at a large round table . John sat directly across the table from me . My mother was to his right . I was worried about conversing with him , since I was far away , and his voice did not carry . But my wonderful mother took care of all of that . What a trooper ! Shirley , the Clay . They were pictures of Raleigh . No , not Toto the dog , Raleigh . Raleigh , Clays home town ( you know , back in Kansas , um , I mean , North Carolina ) , Raleigh . I And since Raleigh has come up , I must insert a note about it here . Obviously , we had already been to Raleigh by the time we made it to the AC concert . Our time forever when I left , and I really do know that I was tucked into theirs . One woman in particular by the name of Robbin Yates is a stand - out . This lady has an unending capacity for love , understanding and generosity in the giving of her time to help others . She has helped me in so many ways . And from the time we left go to the casino after the concert by handing out $ to gamble with . A generous man , but I was put off a little by it , I must admit . I let my friend Janet know side of the table right in front of the stage was my mom . Janet said that she will never forget the look on my face as I took that seat , and the music began . I them . Afterwards , Id become an avid participant in all of the classroom discussions ; critiquing and analyzing each play and plot . When it was over , I would So what did I do ? I dedicated myself to the service of others , but continued to read my stories , and dabble in the writing end of things . I wrote many stories positive response from readers with messages to continue to produce more in the future . Im encouraged . I feel like I have found my musethe one that spurs me on or at least have met him . Sadly , this is not the case . But I do have to say that I feel I have always had an affinity for the man that is somewhat and the way in which he dealt with people that he met . Oh yes , I recognized the talentit was undeniable . But it was something else that drew me to him . Clay Aiken . So , one of my goals all along this journey of mine has been to get to know him in whatever way I can . One of the ways I thought I could achieve down in a chair and said Just listen to this . From that point on , she turned her life around . Does she still struggle , have issues or problems ? Oh , probably - We went on to meet two other Raleigh Clay ladies that day . The first , a lady by the name of Celeste invited us to her home for banana bread and lemonade . This it on his sleeve . This is when he had taken me in , because thats what he doeshe lets everyone in . Needless to say , this was a very appropriate welcome for us on that show since . This DVD she was playing was a special edited version of just Clay Aiken and all that he did on American Idol 2 . Celeste had found this on We loved spending time at Celestes house . What could be better than lemonade , home made banana bread and Clay Aiken on TV ? Celeste keeps writing to tell me she style . I had commented just once that I would love to taste what Clay talks about so muchthat North Carolina pulled pork ( hope ahm sayin it right ) . So off we When we arrived , we met the fourth Raleigh heart & soul sister , Dora . Dora is unique and adorable . Blonde , with the prettiest blue eyes youll ever see ; she looks deep into yours when shes talking to you and holds you fast with her gaze . Very endearing , and quite a hoot ! When she and Robbin get together , watch out ! OK Claymy review of this pork BBQ . Um , no . Not that it was bad or anything , just kind ofhard to get used to ! A little bit vinegary . I liked the hush puppies and the coleslaw slaw was really good . Cant drink sweet tea ! Theyre not kidding when they call it sweet are they ? I kept trying the pork , thinking it would be better after a few mouthfuls . After awhile , it was OK . I think its something that you have to develop a taste for , as in growing up with that flavor if you During this dinner and afterward , we never stopped talking . LET ME TELL YOU , these North Carolina women CAN TALK ! I have never seen the likes of it ! Im sure The tour was a riot . Yes , it was pretty hilarious . My last Raleigh lady showed up to complete the group on this Saturday and she evened us out a bit . Now try to picture this . All of the women talked at just about the same time . Remember , I told you Raleigh women have a knack for it , and just because one is simply venture in a few feet to see Clay Aikens clothes displayed in a large Plexiglas case ! It was cute . And of course we had to take pictures . Next , we walked across the way to look at the state house . Yes , we actually visited something that was non - Clay related ! Remember , Raleigh is the NC state possibility of Clay going into politics . Everyone said he wouldnt do it . I kind of thought that was the case . But wouldnt it be nice to have someone like him hot sign is not on ! And they continued to say it , so I had to ask . It means the donuts are not being made right at that time , so if you buy one , it wont be hot . I have to confess , I dont ever remember eating a hot donut before . But they insisted theyre best when theyre hot . Well , all of them , except Kathy Mack . Chelsea wanted to see the room where the kids had duct taped Clay to the wall . We all began speculating where it might have taken place . Since we were talking " He was just always foolin ' around . He leapt over the front desk from time to time " . ( A vision of Clay leaping from the stairs to the stage " Well , one day he was up here workin ' , and all of a sudden just disappeared into the back room . A few minutes went by , and the phone rang . I answered questions . Ah didn 't know what to think of him , and ah tried to answer the best ah could , but the questions got more and more stupid . Ah was about to lose unhappiness about it too . I thanked her and wrote her name down , asking if it was ok to quote her . She was very amenable . Who wouldn 't be when it comes to You can 't visit Raleigh and feel Clays presence unless you see his church . It was Saturday , and it was closed , but we walked around the grounds . It seemed small . It was quaint , with a tall , skinny bell tower in front and a sign below it saying " God is Love " . The grounds around to the back were bucolic forward to going to church again . It had been a long time , and I felt it would be special because it was Clay 's church . Sunday morning at Leesville Baptist We really couldn 't see much , since everything was closed for summer vacation . We peeked inside the glass entry doors and strolled and chatted . Someone , I weeks ahead to arrange the reservation for the dinner . She had told them we 'd be a group of about 13 - 15 people , all with a common interest : Clay Aiken . The ' 80 's . A mutual friend had reminded me that Carol had moved to Raleigh in the early 90 's , and got us back in touch . What a treat to see an old to publish them . Pamela said she was familiar with my work , and welcomed me with open arms . I returned the kudos by telling her how how professional and well what might appear to be very little personal gain for her efforts . When you talk to her about it , she claims that the reward is simply in the doing of it . She Debbie is open and real . She comes across as the kind of person that couldn 't be mean to anyone , even if she tried . Her voice matches her disposition - - sweet , high , and lilting , with a gentle southern twang . When you think of her later , it is the melodious sound of her voice that comes to mind . I effort . OK - - there were a couple of people that night that spoke of non - Clay related things : my husband and our friend Carol Douglas . They were reminiscing It was time to say our goodbyes and go . I left there that night with my head in the clouds , and my feet not quite on the ground . I had spent a terrific evening Then it was Sunday , and I was invited to church - - Leesville Baptist Church . I hadn 't been to church in a very long time . Well , I had a talk with God about It isn 't the kind of experience one can share with the world . It was a personal thing for me . All I will say is that it was a very mixed bag of emotions , times before . And when I held her hand , I noticed her hands resembled her son 's - - slender , with long fingers . I would be taking Clay 's hand in mine didn 't have to talk to her . Now , I did , and it was difficult to keep myself from getting tongue - tied . But she has an easy manner , and of course that sweet kind of bittersweet feeling in my heart . Because Raleigh was everything I had envisioned it to be . It was where Clay had lived and where I had the opportunity During the first part of this opening song , something happened for me that had never happened before . I had physical contact with Clay Aiken . When he first walked out on stage , I 'm sure he panned his audience - he always does that - he looks over the crowd as he 's singing . And this time , I was right up front , next to the stage on the right side ( his left ) . I was sure he looked directly at me , ( it felt like he looked right THROUGH me ) . Next thing I know , he 's walking over towards our group , leaning over , and reaching out to take each of our hands ! He started with a couple of people one table over from us , and in a couple of seconds he reached towards me . I grabbed his hand and we had a little tug between us ( blush , blush ) because I hung on a bit . He gently but assertively pulled his hand from mine so that he could proceed to others . And at that moment , I became one of the fortunate people in the world that would never be the same because I had felt that touch . On stage , Clay Aiken is completely and utterly a man now . There is no mistaking him for a boy anymore , like we sometimes used to do on AI . He moves like a man , he 's built like a man , and he has all the confidence of a man . No more boy . O . K . , I will give you this one bit of leeway . In still photographs , and sometimes with certain expressions when he is videotaped , there remains the look of the boy even now . He definitely has the boyish grin still about his face , which will probably forever remain . But the moves on stage are not those of a boy . Even during the cute , sexy and sometimes comical moves that he does during " Rosanna " ( I think it 's my favorite ) , we can only come away with pure , unrelenting man . And believe me , I think its OK with everyone that watches him up there . It was definitely OK that night . I must interject that at this point in time , I am not a great reporting journalist . I think I could be O . K . , with some experience , but I 'm not right now . If I were ever to do an actual interview with Clay ( which is obviously my dream ) , I would have to be extremely attentive to detail and record everything chronologically very carefully that was said and exchanged . So , in this case , I cannot comment on each song as it was sung in the correct order and give you each detail that occurred in the way that Clay performed . It was and is a very emotional experience for me ; I think you can tell this about me from my writing . So what you 'll get here about his performance will be more of an emotional reaction to his music , instead of a detailed account of his songs and each note he hit . I 'll give you stand - outs and highlights . Our Dorothy was brought up on stage shortly after Clay had finished featuring the dancer from the audience . Since my seat was all the way to the right of the stage as you face it , I could see Chelsea standing in the wings for a brief moment waiting to go on , and my heart was already beating as if Derek was pounding it with those drumsticks of his for all it was worth . Out she came , looking pretty calm and cool , I must say . Clay asked if she was nervous , but Rachel , the stagehand was talking to Chelsea in her ear , and she had a hard time listening to both . Chelsea finally got on track with Clay and he did a little interview with her . Here are just a few cute little exchanges that come to mind : That 's OK . You know , the first time I tried I didn 't make it , and you see that girl right up there ? ( Pointing at Quiana ) She beat me ! ( Chelsea laughs ) . OK , what are you going to sing ? She takes off on her own again and Clay motions to the audience for applause for Chelsea . It is at this point that we see a little something going on in the background in the way of a positive reaction from our beloved scarecrow , ( Clays back - up singer ) , Jacob . And he comes through for Chelsea in a big way later on in the evening . Miss Austin and Mr . Aiken end it with the blending of their voices - hers so high , so young and sweet , and his , holding back somewhat on the power so that hers can still be heard . Chelsea hangs on to good pitch and the correct key even when Clay comes in with the harmony . It sounded sweet ! I had been digging my fingernails into my mother 's arm . She didn 't say a word , because she was so entranced . My only regret was that I didn 't see my husband 's face during all of it . But I know how he looked . And I 'll have a picture of that look in my mind for all time . Clay went on from here to do the best of the three concerts I had seen him perform in . He was on . I had hoped he would let loose and have fun with it , and that 's what I saw him do up there for the rest of the night . The James Taylor acoustic set was a treat , as we watched Clay really enjoy playing back - up singer to Angela , Quiana and Jacobs lead renditions of Taylors popular songs . Clay was having lots of fun with all of that and his delight and jubilation when he played around with each song and all of his friends on stage was contagious . The ladies sitting at my table had NEVER seen Clay live before , and I knew what they were experiencing for the first time ; pure exultation bouncing off of him and onto them . This is the reason why there is nothing else like seeing him live . Ive been to lots of concerts in my life , and no one has the ability to transfer that feeling of joy like he can . Hes the only one Ive ever witnessed who does it so successfully . My favorites that night , aside from " Rosanna " , were " Kyrie " , " Measure of a Man " , " You Were There " and always , " Solitaire " . I have come to really love " You Were There " because of the beauty of the song and the sound of his voice when he sings it . I don 't know why anyone would be opposed to him singing it after hearing him the first time . He is truly inspired when he performs that particular song . If I were to change anything , I would remove the visuals from the monitors . I don 't think they 're necessary and I feel they distract from his beautiful delivery of the song . But wait , I forgot - - " Invisible " ! ! Always a favorite , if not the ultimate favorite song of the night , and this night was no different . I take that back . This night was very different , even with " Invisible " , because it was during this song that I got to touch Clay again ! " Invisible " is the last song of the set ( before his encore , " Solitaire " ) and it is THE get - up - on - your - feet choice for everyone each time . We were definitely up with " Invisible , and when Clay jumped down from the stairs , we soared . Soon after that , he came over again to hold hands with a few of us . He reached towards me , and this time I didn 't want to tug . So I slid my hand into his and pulled it away gently and quickly . I just didn 't want him to think I had to be overzealous with the hand touches . It was wonderful to know that I had made contact not just once , but twice in one night . I won 't forget it . Everyone loves " Invisible " because the chorus has everyone dancing and clapping and crazed , but then comes the bridge that slows down , and the crowd waits to see where he 'll go for the " reach out , but you don 't even see me " bit . It just happened to be the young woman right next to me , and although I was a little envious , I just got a real kick out of watching him so up close and personal this time milking this part for all it 's worth . Our Mr . Aiken was so schmaltzy - and the crowd just ate it up ! ! We watched him disappear down into the stage as he gave that little salute to say goodbye . And then the lights came up . I had to breathe a big sigh , because immediate exhaustion set in probably due to some nerves I had goin on for Chelsea earlier in the evening . And too , that man just exhausts me anyway up there with what he does ! All in all , there was a serious sense of satisfaction that set in from the entire experience . Right outside the theater doors , there were lots of people of milling around . We met little Dorothy out there with flushed cheeks and a new Clay Aiken signed T - shirt she had already put on . There was the tin - man standing beside her grinning from ear to ear . He didnt have his heart ; his daughter had stolen it when she gave her performance that night . And after a little while , out came Jacob the scarecrow ! I happened to be standing right by the door when he burst out looking very fresh and happy . He took one look at me , said HI ! in a really exuberant way , and proceeded to give me a very surprising , enveloping kind of hug ! I dont know what I did to deserve such a wonderful reaction , but it felt good , so I kind of went with it . I think Mr . Luttrell thought I was someone he knew , or should know or something , since I was at times , resting my arms on the stage , and I was so close I was in his face for much of the time on that side of the stage . I remember he did smile at me when I mimicked his dance moves that night . And now , we spoke for a few minutes . I asked about Clay and if one could possibly catch a glimpse of him after the show , but Jacobs lips were locked regarding that subject . We then linked up with Chelsea , and Jacob spoke with her about her performance , saying that he had her in his ear ( the sound earpiece , I guess ) and she was " awesome . " They talked for some time and they took a lot of pictures together that were being shot by many different strangers - all fans of Clay Aikens . Jacob definitely is scarecrow material . Let me clarify . In no way is he scary . Hes one of the handsomest young men youll see in the business . Quite cute . But , he is a lean , loose legged dancer that is a friend to all with a very big brain , I might add - - he seemed very intelligent indeed . Chelsea felt so comfortable with Jacob , and I believe she gave him the easiest - dude - to - hang - with prize that night . In the meantime , my NJ ladies were kind of speechless , looked exhausted yet exhilarated and just stood by smiling in the after - glow of a terrific , never to be forgotten night with Clay Aiken . It was time to say our goodbyes . They were being whisked away by Sam , and my little family was going to seek some quiet time to discuss all that had transpired there in the Emerald City that night before hitting the yellow brick road again back to the hotel . We hugged and kissed and hugged again . We made plans to correspond , keep in touch and never forget the night when all of us ladies first met and we went to see Clay live , on stage together , and our little Dorothy just happened to sing with him up there too ! While sitting in the Coffee Shop in the hotel , sipping on a root beer float to quench the thirst that had been building , I looked over at Chelsea and her still very - pink cheeks . Her eyes were so bright and there was a constant little smile pushing up the corners of her mouth that I dont think she was aware of . Many people in the place applauded her , some came over to talk with her and ask about her past experience . She got a tiny taste of the kind of thing that happens when people see you up there , and they like you . Made her kind of think about Clay and his huge fame and what that must be like . We were going home the next morning . Chelsea told me she was ready . She said she was wanting to go home . She still couldn 't believe she had made the trip over the rainbow , and that she had met the wizard that finally showed her he didn 't really have any magic tricks in that black bag for her ; that she really always had the power to do what she did , all by herself . But now , she was ready for home , her own bed , her friends and her very missed puppy dogs . I nodded in agreement . I was ready to go home too . I stroked her hair , and thought to myself , Hey Auntie Em . . . . There 's no place . . . " No wait . |
My mother and I pulled into a handicapped parking space at the Mall of America at about 2 pm on Wednesday . ( We were still floating from the Clay handshakes we had received in Rockford on Monday night . The Clay touch has a long - lasting effect ! ! ) I must confess that the thought had flitted through my mind that this was just the kind of place that Clay would love to visit . I thought " what if he 's here ! ! " but I quickly forgot about it . After all , he 'd had a loooooong trip from Cleveland the previous night , and surely he 'd be asleep ! We went in and did what people do in malls . I rolled her wheelchair around , we looked at clothes and stuff , we ate hot dogs and ice cream , and I called a friend in NC to tell her we were in the biggest mall in the US . She told me to take pics for those who couldn 't go , but I decided to buy her a Mall t - shirt instead . I got it at one of those shops that sells just Minnesota and mall shirts and memorabilia . We were on the third floor of the Mall . About 5 : 30 , we emerged from the ladies room near the elevator . I rolled the chair down the short hallway that lead back into the mall . As I was looking ahead , I saw a guy standing in front of me talking on a cell phone . He was standing just outside the hallway to my left and had his back to me . I thought " my goodness , that guy looks just like S ' von ! ! " But I couldn 't be sure unless I saw his face . So I wheeled the chair on by him and looked up . We were about 6 feet in front of him . I leaned over to my mother 's right ( S ' von was to our left ) and whispered to her , " Look to your left ! ! It 's S ' von ! ! " When I looked up again , I saw Daniel standing next to him . Now I must interject here that I normally don 't pay doodley - squat attention to people around me unless I 'm looking for something or someone . When I walk though a crowd , half the time I don 't even notice people I know . When I drive down the road , I don 't look inside other cars to see who 's there . People are always calling me a stuck - up snot - rag for not waving at them . So , you see , I wasn 't looking for ANYONE in Minneapolis / St . Paul , much less OMC . Well , as soon as I practically stumbled over S ' von and Daniel , I said to my mom , " HE 's here somewhere . I can feel it ! ! " So I started looking around . I didn 't think to look behind me , since that 's where I had just been . But when I finally did , I swear my heart just stopped beating for a moment . If I had looked to my right as I had come down the hallway , I might have seen him . Or I might not . I could have walked right up to him . ( But I probably would have just passed out ! ! ) Now , my mama is 86 , and her eyes are not like they used to be . She turned her head and looked at him . She swears he looked right at her , but there 's really no way of knowing that . She says she kept looking at him trying to recognize him . She hasn 't seen 9000 pictures of him in the fedora like I have , so she was trying to figure out what was going on . We didn 't do any screaming or pointing or loud talking . In fact , I barely looked at him . One tiny glance was all I allowed myself - - it was all I needed . We did absolutely nothing to attract attention to ourselves - - with the possible exception of looking at him - - as unobtrusively as possible . ( Incidentally , it would not have been possible for me to scream because screaming requires breath , and I had a really short supply at that time . ) About that time , Clay slipped around the corner into the store . It was the same store that I had been in only a short while before - - the one from which I had bought my friend the t - shirt . He walked to the back of the store and appeared to be looking at shirts . I could see the top of his hat as he bent over . About that time , I saw Jerome in the store . He had on a green t - shirt that said Michigan State . I told Mama , " There 's Jerome . " She of the bad eyesight said , " Where 's Jerome . I don 't see Jerome . " So I had to roll the chair by the front of the store so she could see him . Somewhere in all this mix I also saw Nick . He was outside of the store , but I don 't exactly remember when I saw him . My head was spinning . After we got past the store front , we stopped and waited for a few minutes . We were not visible from the inside of the store . ( By that time , S ' von , Daniel , and Nick were nowhere to be seen . They seemed to have simply vanished . ) Jerome walked over to the wall near where we were and seemed to be looking at shirts hanging on the wall . He was only there a few seconds and went back toward the back . My mother said , " I 'll bet Jerome recognized you . " I explained to her that I had never spoken to Jerome , Nick , or any of the band members and that they would not know me . My mama was dying laughing . She thought it was just the greatest thing that Clay was hanging out in the mall and not getting recognized . I was just glad that he was getting to do something fun on his day off - - like a normal person . Before I go any further , let me assure you that I had absolutely no intention of approaching , speaking to , or following him . I waited because I wanted to catch another glimpse of him . I hoped that he would look my direction and I could put my finger to my lips in a shhhhhhh gesture and maybe wink . That way he 'd know that I recognized him but didn 't plan to tell anyone . So if any of you reading this account are starting to think that I was planning my stalking tactics , let me stop you now . I would NEVER do that . And besides , I can 't think of a single thing I could have said to him . Now , several days later , I can think of lots of things - - like maybe " you should get this green shirt because it goes with your eyes " - - but at the time all I could think of was - - " OMG , Clay 's in that store and what in the blue blazes am I gonna do now ? " I couldn 't have left if I 'd wanted to - - and I didn 't want to . There , I said it . No more Clay . No more Clay peeps . Time to leave . So we did . We just got on the elevator , rode down , got in our car , and left . If you folks knew me , you 'd know that I have a long history of being a worrywart . Not so much in recent years , but I used to be just awful . I 'd worry about every blessed thing . I got that quality from my mama . She 's a worrywart , too . Old habits die hard . We got to analyzing the encounter - - over and over . And I got to thinking that maybe Clay had seen us and realized that we recognized him . Maybe he had sent Jerome over to the side of the store to see if we were still there . Maybe even - - and I know it 's far - fetched - - but Clay could possibly have even recognized us from the handshake line in Rockford . I know what you 're probably thinking - - SCG must be delusional to think that out of the millions of people he sees that Clay would remember her . No , I don 't think that at all . But my mother is an old lady in a wheelchair . I had her right up there at the rope in Rockford . He took her hand , bent down , looked her square in the face with the sweetest expression . She told him how glad she was to see him , and he told her to be careful . I heard him say it . I have been told that Clay is very good with faces . ( I 'm awful with faces , so that 's another quality about him I admire . ) I can 't imagine that he 'd have remembered me , but it is not out of the realm of imagination that he may have remembered her . To automatically assume that he didn 't is a bit insulting to him - - just as to automatically assume that he did would be highly presumptuous . ( I know that I just split two infinitives , but I 'm a professional , and they needed splitting . Moving on . ) So of course I started to worry and feel bad . But mostly I felt sad . Poor Clay . He has as much right to enjoy the mall as anyone else , but he has to sneak around to do it . Had our presence caused him to run out the back door of that store rather than walk down the hall like everyone else ? Did he think that we would have done something to attract attention ? Did I make his already inconvenient life even more inconvenient ? Had I bothered him ? What if he should see us again somewhere and remember us ? Would he remember that we were the ones lurking outside the store and think we would have caused trouble ? Besides , it kind of hurt just the tiniest bit to think that he 'd have run away from a sweet old lady in a wheelchair . That just didn 't make any sense . But worry I did . And I felt really guilty , too ( another thing I do well ) . Just the thought that I could have done the tiniest little thing that may have caused our sweetie a problem just made me weep . Handicapped seating was down front in St . Paul . ( That 's why we went there , so my mother could actually SEE Clay perform up close . ) So I had lots of time before the show to run around and hunt people . I looked and looked for Jerome , but he must have been doing something else at the time . But I did find Nick . He was surrounded by pretty young girls who were getting his autograph and posing with him for photos . He seemed to be enjoying himself quite a bit . Finally , I was able to stop Nick and tell him that I needed to talk to him . I guess my veteran teacher tone came out when I said it because he grinned and said , " Uh oh , " just like my students would say when I said " I need to talk to you . " ( Only they 'd usually add , " I didn 't do it ! " Hee . ) Anyway , this is sort of the way our conversation went : Me : I 'm so sorry if I did something that I shouldn 't have done . We waited outside the store for him to come out . Maybe we shouldn 't have done it , but . . . . well . . . . . uh . . . . . . we 're . . . . . . . uh . . . . . . . human and all . Me : We weren 't stalking or following you guys . Honest . We 're from NC . We didn 't drive all the way up here with the intent of harassing Clay in the mall . He has just as much right to visit the mall in peace on his day off as I do . We are really big fans , but we are also very respectful of his privacy . Let me go on the record right now and say that Nick is an absolute sweetheart . A real doll - baby . And he 's awfully cute , too . He was very , very nice to me as well as patient with me in my distress . But , naturally , since Nick didn 't know what I was talking about , I had to go see Jerome , too . When I found him , he was also surrounded by a bevy of sweet young thangs , signing autographs , smiling and laughing up a storm . He kept telling them he had to get backstage but didn 't seem in any hurry to leave . I hung around for an eternity and finally got his attention . Jerome looked at me like I was completely insane . He assured me that I had done nothing wrong and that they had not seen us . ( Whew ! ! ! ) He asked me if I had said anything to anyone . I said , " Oh , no . Absolutely not . I didn 't say ANYTHING to ANYONE . " At the time , I thought he meant any other mall patrons , but now I think he meant Clay or any of his peeps . A young girl was standing next to me . She piped up and said , " Yeah , he wears his hat for a disguise . " I felt like hugging her . I told him I had been literally in tears over the incident . He looked at me very kindly and said , " Why ? " I tried to explain that I didn 't want to be the cause of them having to duck out the back door of the store . He smiled and said , " Don 't worry about it . We go out the back door of every place we go in . " It 's easy to imagine how one would behave if he / she suddenly ran into Clay . It 's not so easy when it actually happens . I do have some regrets about what I did / did not do . But I must say that it was a real learning experience . And if there truly are no accidents , then maybe someday I 'll find out why it happened the way it did . One more cute little thing . During " This Is the Night , " I was sitting there next to my mom swaying to the music . ( Yes , I was sitting - - I was in the handicapped section and couldn 't stand up . It was HARD not to stand . I did scream real loud , though . ) For some reason , Nick was standing in front of the stage . He was maybe 12 feet in front of me . I looked up and grinned . He held his hand up in front of his face and wiggled two fingers in a little wave . I gave him a little two - finger wave back . Awwww . How sweet ! ! He remembered me ! And he understood my worries . And he obviously didn 't think I was nuts - - and that in itself gave me a sigh of relief . Advertisement I could sit here and ramble on and on about how much I love you . However , I bet you have heard that from thousands and thousands of fans . I could say over and over and over again how much you mean to me , but again you have probably heard every variety of " I love you " and " you 're the best " possible by now . Instead of all that , let me explain what you mean to me . Your singing is not singing to me . Itï ¿½ s not a voice . Itï ¿½ s a sound . The most beautiful sound that the world has ever known . A sound that completely makes you stop dead in your tracks and you canï ¿½ t help but listen to and get completely engulfed in . Itï ¿½ s a sound that stirs something in my soul , something I never knew was there . I feel a strange feeling when I hear you sing , that Iï ¿½ ve never felt before and it only happens when I hear you . Like you Clay , I also grew up in North Carolina . For a big part of my childhood , I would live there with my grandfather . He had a house down there , with his own boat and dock . During the summer , he would take me to his house and it was just he and I out there . Every time weï ¿½ d go down there , he would play this song for me in his car . ï ¿½ Carolina In My Mindï ¿½ by James Taylor . I immediately fell in love with the song and it became my instant favorite . The song was describing exactly what we were doing . ï ¿½ Are we there yet , ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ d ask . ï ¿½ Not yet , ï ¿½ he said with a laugh . ï ¿½ But , almost . ï ¿½ The song kept going . So , we stayed down there during the summer . When summer was over , that meant I had to go back to school . He was going to stay down there a little bit longer , so I had to leave him . ï ¿½ Weï ¿½ re going to come back , right ? ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ d say , right before I left . ï ¿½ Yes , of course , ï ¿½ he said . ï ¿½ Donï ¿½ t worry , I will see you before you know it . ï ¿½ Thatï ¿½ s how it was . Him and me were so close . We had the best time out there , fishing and everything else . However , earlier this year I heard that Clayï ¿½ s biological father died . I had no time to react when I soon found out , that my grandfather had a heart attack and passed away that day . Heï ¿½ s gone ? ? What ? I didnï ¿½ t want to believe it . I had been lucky and never had so much a friend pass away before , now someone in my family has ? I was depressed . I couldnï ¿½ t sleep . Couldnï ¿½ t eat . I was in a rut . I felt like Iï ¿½ d never be happy again . I wanted to die to be with him . I didnï ¿½ t want to be human . I wanted to crawl in a hole in the ground and never come back up . It went on like this for a whileï ¿½ . However , one dayï ¿½ . Iï ¿½ m not sure why , but one day I was visiting a Clay site . The Independent Tour had just started . They had video of the previous concert . While browsing through the new songs , I noticed ï ¿½ Carolina In My Mindï ¿½ was a choice . I knew that was my favorite song and was thrilled that Clay had sung it . I downloaded it , just expecting to hear his version of a classic song . FLASH ! I suddenly wasnï ¿½ t in my room . My mind had taken me back . I was in a car , going to Carolina with my grandfather . ï ¿½ Are you there yet , ï ¿½ I asked , and he laughed like he heard that question for the millionth time . ï ¿½ Not yet , but soon . ï ¿½ ï ¿½ I love you granddad , ï ¿½ I heard myself say , like I said to him every time that song played . His response was still the same . ï ¿½ I love you , too . ï ¿½ By this time , I could feel the depression leaving me . All the sadness , depressed thoughts , and everything else was going away . It was like I could feel it leaving me . Clay made me realize that my grandfather isnï ¿½ t truly gone . Heï ¿½ s still watching over me . The song went on . ï ¿½ Iï ¿½ m going to see you again , right granddad , ï ¿½ I asked . ï ¿½ Yes , ï ¿½ he said . Then he said something he never said to me in the car those years back . I heard him say ï ¿½ You can see me everyday . Iï ¿½ m always here . ï ¿½ Clayï ¿½ s golden voice had come to a close . The song was over . I must have just sat there and stared at the computer screen for hours . Clay had given me the chance to make peace . ï ¿½ Thank you Clay , ï ¿½ I said . As I left the computer , I could still hear it . And , I always would . When I die someday and see my grandfather again , Iï ¿½ m going to tell him that a skinny nerd from North Carolina let me know that he was doing all right . Iï ¿½ m sure heï ¿½ ll get a kick out of that . Until thenï ¿½ . been decided that my mother would be the one to go . And why ? My daughter Chelsea had gotten the opportunity to sit in the 4th row at Clays concert in Roanoke , ( Clays bodyguard and right - hand man ) there to sing a song for Clay . It looked pretty good for Chelsea that night , and we were extremely excited . When she sang We met at Joan Datzs house . There were four women from New Jersey meeting two from California . Could be strange , but it wasnt - my mother and I have roots in the east - born and bred in New York , so we can easily relate . We clicked , they loved us and we loved them . Janet introduced us to her sweet daughter Sheena , We laughed a lot . Sam the driver showed up , came in , took a seat and shared in the conversation . He reminded me of an Italian Jerome - built like him , same anticipation of a great night ahead . What more could any of us want ? It was a smooth ride all the way in , and then Sam had to slam on the brakes . My toes got a their odds would be now . He sounded pretty worried . I tried to offer some words of support and prepare him for a realistic outcome . We could only just wait and Caesars Palace , the Primavera . I frankly , was worried about the poppies there . I was sure there would be lots of food and drink and celebration going on , and I between the ladies and this man , and they were all connected . I was told that he was very established in business and also there at the hotel . That became very obvious when he made his entrance and sat down at the table . The maitre d and other staff hung around a lot . In fact , I dont know that they ever left . They We were a party of eight and we sat at a large round table . John sat directly across the table from me . My mother was to his right . I was worried about conversing with him , since I was far away , and his voice did not carry . But my wonderful mother took care of all of that . What a trooper ! Shirley , the Clay . They were pictures of Raleigh . No , not Toto the dog , Raleigh . Raleigh , Clays home town ( you know , back in Kansas , um , I mean , North Carolina ) , Raleigh . I And since Raleigh has come up , I must insert a note about it here . Obviously , we had already been to Raleigh by the time we made it to the AC concert . Our time forever when I left , and I really do know that I was tucked into theirs . One woman in particular by the name of Robbin Yates is a stand - out . This lady has an unending capacity for love , understanding and generosity in the giving of her time to help others . She has helped me in so many ways . And from the time we left go to the casino after the concert by handing out $ to gamble with . A generous man , but I was put off a little by it , I must admit . I let my friend Janet know side of the table right in front of the stage was my mom . Janet said that she will never forget the look on my face as I took that seat , and the music began . I them . Afterwards , Id become an avid participant in all of the classroom discussions ; critiquing and analyzing each play and plot . When it was over , I would So what did I do ? I dedicated myself to the service of others , but continued to read my stories , and dabble in the writing end of things . I wrote many stories positive response from readers with messages to continue to produce more in the future . Im encouraged . I feel like I have found my musethe one that spurs me on or at least have met him . Sadly , this is not the case . But I do have to say that I feel I have always had an affinity for the man that is somewhat and the way in which he dealt with people that he met . Oh yes , I recognized the talentit was undeniable . But it was something else that drew me to him . Clay Aiken . So , one of my goals all along this journey of mine has been to get to know him in whatever way I can . One of the ways I thought I could achieve down in a chair and said Just listen to this . From that point on , she turned her life around . Does she still struggle , have issues or problems ? Oh , probably - We went on to meet two other Raleigh Clay ladies that day . The first , a lady by the name of Celeste invited us to her home for banana bread and lemonade . This it on his sleeve . This is when he had taken me in , because thats what he doeshe lets everyone in . Needless to say , this was a very appropriate welcome for us on that show since . This DVD she was playing was a special edited version of just Clay Aiken and all that he did on American Idol 2 . Celeste had found this on We loved spending time at Celestes house . What could be better than lemonade , home made banana bread and Clay Aiken on TV ? Celeste keeps writing to tell me she style . I had commented just once that I would love to taste what Clay talks about so muchthat North Carolina pulled pork ( hope ahm sayin it right ) . So off we When we arrived , we met the fourth Raleigh heart & soul sister , Dora . Dora is unique and adorable . Blonde , with the prettiest blue eyes youll ever see ; she looks deep into yours when shes talking to you and holds you fast with her gaze . Very endearing , and quite a hoot ! When she and Robbin get together , watch out ! OK Claymy review of this pork BBQ . Um , no . Not that it was bad or anything , just kind ofhard to get used to ! A little bit vinegary . I liked the hush puppies and the coleslaw slaw was really good . Cant drink sweet tea ! Theyre not kidding when they call it sweet are they ? I kept trying the pork , thinking it would be better after a few mouthfuls . After awhile , it was OK . I think its something that you have to develop a taste for , as in growing up with that flavor if you During this dinner and afterward , we never stopped talking . LET ME TELL YOU , these North Carolina women CAN TALK ! I have never seen the likes of it ! Im sure The tour was a riot . Yes , it was pretty hilarious . My last Raleigh lady showed up to complete the group on this Saturday and she evened us out a bit . Now try to picture this . All of the women talked at just about the same time . Remember , I told you Raleigh women have a knack for it , and just because one is simply venture in a few feet to see Clay Aikens clothes displayed in a large Plexiglas case ! It was cute . And of course we had to take pictures . Next , we walked across the way to look at the state house . Yes , we actually visited something that was non - Clay related ! Remember , Raleigh is the NC state possibility of Clay going into politics . Everyone said he wouldnt do it . I kind of thought that was the case . But wouldnt it be nice to have someone like him hot sign is not on ! And they continued to say it , so I had to ask . It means the donuts are not being made right at that time , so if you buy one , it wont be hot . I have to confess , I dont ever remember eating a hot donut before . But they insisted theyre best when theyre hot . Well , all of them , except Kathy Mack . Chelsea wanted to see the room where the kids had duct taped Clay to the wall . We all began speculating where it might have taken place . Since we were talking " He was just always foolin ' around . He leapt over the front desk from time to time " . ( A vision of Clay leaping from the stairs to the stage " Well , one day he was up here workin ' , and all of a sudden just disappeared into the back room . A few minutes went by , and the phone rang . I answered questions . Ah didn 't know what to think of him , and ah tried to answer the best ah could , but the questions got more and more stupid . Ah was about to lose unhappiness about it too . I thanked her and wrote her name down , asking if it was ok to quote her . She was very amenable . Who wouldn 't be when it comes to You can 't visit Raleigh and feel Clays presence unless you see his church . It was Saturday , and it was closed , but we walked around the grounds . It seemed small . It was quaint , with a tall , skinny bell tower in front and a sign below it saying " God is Love " . The grounds around to the back were bucolic forward to going to church again . It had been a long time , and I felt it would be special because it was Clay 's church . Sunday morning at Leesville Baptist We really couldn 't see much , since everything was closed for summer vacation . We peeked inside the glass entry doors and strolled and chatted . Someone , I weeks ahead to arrange the reservation for the dinner . She had told them we 'd be a group of about 13 - 15 people , all with a common interest : Clay Aiken . The ' 80 's . A mutual friend had reminded me that Carol had moved to Raleigh in the early 90 's , and got us back in touch . What a treat to see an old to publish them . Pamela said she was familiar with my work , and welcomed me with open arms . I returned the kudos by telling her how how professional and well what might appear to be very little personal gain for her efforts . When you talk to her about it , she claims that the reward is simply in the doing of it . She Debbie is open and real . She comes across as the kind of person that couldn 't be mean to anyone , even if she tried . Her voice matches her disposition - - sweet , high , and lilting , with a gentle southern twang . When you think of her later , it is the melodious sound of her voice that comes to mind . I effort . OK - - there were a couple of people that night that spoke of non - Clay related things : my husband and our friend Carol Douglas . They were reminiscing It was time to say our goodbyes and go . I left there that night with my head in the clouds , and my feet not quite on the ground . I had spent a terrific evening Then it was Sunday , and I was invited to church - - Leesville Baptist Church . I hadn 't been to church in a very long time . Well , I had a talk with God about It isn 't the kind of experience one can share with the world . It was a personal thing for me . All I will say is that it was a very mixed bag of emotions , times before . And when I held her hand , I noticed her hands resembled her son 's - - slender , with long fingers . I would be taking Clay 's hand in mine didn 't have to talk to her . Now , I did , and it was difficult to keep myself from getting tongue - tied . But she has an easy manner , and of course that sweet kind of bittersweet feeling in my heart . Because Raleigh was everything I had envisioned it to be . It was where Clay had lived and where I had the opportunity During the first part of this opening song , something happened for me that had never happened before . I had physical contact with Clay Aiken . When he first walked out on stage , I 'm sure he panned his audience - he always does that - he looks over the crowd as he 's singing . And this time , I was right up front , next to the stage on the right side ( his left ) . I was sure he looked directly at me , ( it felt like he looked right THROUGH me ) . Next thing I know , he 's walking over towards our group , leaning over , and reaching out to take each of our hands ! He started with a couple of people one table over from us , and in a couple of seconds he reached towards me . I grabbed his hand and we had a little tug between us ( blush , blush ) because I hung on a bit . He gently but assertively pulled his hand from mine so that he could proceed to others . And at that moment , I became one of the fortunate people in the world that would never be the same because I had felt that touch . On stage , Clay Aiken is completely and utterly a man now . There is no mistaking him for a boy anymore , like we sometimes used to do on AI . He moves like a man , he 's built like a man , and he has all the confidence of a man . No more boy . O . K . , I will give you this one bit of leeway . In still photographs , and sometimes with certain expressions when he is videotaped , there remains the look of the boy even now . He definitely has the boyish grin still about his face , which will probably forever remain . But the moves on stage are not those of a boy . Even during the cute , sexy and sometimes comical moves that he does during " Rosanna " ( I think it 's my favorite ) , we can only come away with pure , unrelenting man . And believe me , I think its OK with everyone that watches him up there . It was definitely OK that night . I must interject that at this point in time , I am not a great reporting journalist . I think I could be O . K . , with some experience , but I 'm not right now . If I were ever to do an actual interview with Clay ( which is obviously my dream ) , I would have to be extremely attentive to detail and record everything chronologically very carefully that was said and exchanged . So , in this case , I cannot comment on each song as it was sung in the correct order and give you each detail that occurred in the way that Clay performed . It was and is a very emotional experience for me ; I think you can tell this about me from my writing . So what you 'll get here about his performance will be more of an emotional reaction to his music , instead of a detailed account of his songs and each note he hit . I 'll give you stand - outs and highlights . Our Dorothy was brought up on stage shortly after Clay had finished featuring the dancer from the audience . Since my seat was all the way to the right of the stage as you face it , I could see Chelsea standing in the wings for a brief moment waiting to go on , and my heart was already beating as if Derek was pounding it with those drumsticks of his for all it was worth . Out she came , looking pretty calm and cool , I must say . Clay asked if she was nervous , but Rachel , the stagehand was talking to Chelsea in her ear , and she had a hard time listening to both . Chelsea finally got on track with Clay and he did a little interview with her . Here are just a few cute little exchanges that come to mind : That 's OK . You know , the first time I tried I didn 't make it , and you see that girl right up there ? ( Pointing at Quiana ) She beat me ! ( Chelsea laughs ) . OK , what are you going to sing ? She takes off on her own again and Clay motions to the audience for applause for Chelsea . It is at this point that we see a little something going on in the background in the way of a positive reaction from our beloved scarecrow , ( Clays back - up singer ) , Jacob . And he comes through for Chelsea in a big way later on in the evening . Miss Austin and Mr . Aiken end it with the blending of their voices - hers so high , so young and sweet , and his , holding back somewhat on the power so that hers can still be heard . Chelsea hangs on to good pitch and the correct key even when Clay comes in with the harmony . It sounded sweet ! I had been digging my fingernails into my mother 's arm . She didn 't say a word , because she was so entranced . My only regret was that I didn 't see my husband 's face during all of it . But I know how he looked . And I 'll have a picture of that look in my mind for all time . Clay went on from here to do the best of the three concerts I had seen him perform in . He was on . I had hoped he would let loose and have fun with it , and that 's what I saw him do up there for the rest of the night . The James Taylor acoustic set was a treat , as we watched Clay really enjoy playing back - up singer to Angela , Quiana and Jacobs lead renditions of Taylors popular songs . Clay was having lots of fun with all of that and his delight and jubilation when he played around with each song and all of his friends on stage was contagious . The ladies sitting at my table had NEVER seen Clay live before , and I knew what they were experiencing for the first time ; pure exultation bouncing off of him and onto them . This is the reason why there is nothing else like seeing him live . Ive been to lots of concerts in my life , and no one has the ability to transfer that feeling of joy like he can . Hes the only one Ive ever witnessed who does it so successfully . My favorites that night , aside from " Rosanna " , were " Kyrie " , " Measure of a Man " , " You Were There " and always , " Solitaire " . I have come to really love " You Were There " because of the beauty of the song and the sound of his voice when he sings it . I don 't know why anyone would be opposed to him singing it after hearing him the first time . He is truly inspired when he performs that particular song . If I were to change anything , I would remove the visuals from the monitors . I don 't think they 're necessary and I feel they distract from his beautiful delivery of the song . But wait , I forgot - - " Invisible " ! ! Always a favorite , if not the ultimate favorite song of the night , and this night was no different . I take that back . This night was very different , even with " Invisible " , because it was during this song that I got to touch Clay again ! " Invisible " is the last song of the set ( before his encore , " Solitaire " ) and it is THE get - up - on - your - feet choice for everyone each time . We were definitely up with " Invisible , and when Clay jumped down from the stairs , we soared . Soon after that , he came over again to hold hands with a few of us . He reached towards me , and this time I didn 't want to tug . So I slid my hand into his and pulled it away gently and quickly . I just didn 't want him to think I had to be overzealous with the hand touches . It was wonderful to know that I had made contact not just once , but twice in one night . I won 't forget it . Everyone loves " Invisible " because the chorus has everyone dancing and clapping and crazed , but then comes the bridge that slows down , and the crowd waits to see where he 'll go for the " reach out , but you don 't even see me " bit . It just happened to be the young woman right next to me , and although I was a little envious , I just got a real kick out of watching him so up close and personal this time milking this part for all it 's worth . Our Mr . Aiken was so schmaltzy - and the crowd just ate it up ! ! We watched him disappear down into the stage as he gave that little salute to say goodbye . And then the lights came up . I had to breathe a big sigh , because immediate exhaustion set in probably due to some nerves I had goin on for Chelsea earlier in the evening . And too , that man just exhausts me anyway up there with what he does ! All in all , there was a serious sense of satisfaction that set in from the entire experience . Right outside the theater doors , there were lots of people of milling around . We met little Dorothy out there with flushed cheeks and a new Clay Aiken signed T - shirt she had already put on . There was the tin - man standing beside her grinning from ear to ear . He didnt have his heart ; his daughter had stolen it when she gave her performance that night . And after a little while , out came Jacob the scarecrow ! I happened to be standing right by the door when he burst out looking very fresh and happy . He took one look at me , said HI ! in a really exuberant way , and proceeded to give me a very surprising , enveloping kind of hug ! I dont know what I did to deserve such a wonderful reaction , but it felt good , so I kind of went with it . I think Mr . Luttrell thought I was someone he knew , or should know or something , since I was at times , resting my arms on the stage , and I was so close I was in his face for much of the time on that side of the stage . I remember he did smile at me when I mimicked his dance moves that night . And now , we spoke for a few minutes . I asked about Clay and if one could possibly catch a glimpse of him after the show , but Jacobs lips were locked regarding that subject . We then linked up with Chelsea , and Jacob spoke with her about her performance , saying that he had her in his ear ( the sound earpiece , I guess ) and she was " awesome . " They talked for some time and they took a lot of pictures together that were being shot by many different strangers - all fans of Clay Aikens . Jacob definitely is scarecrow material . Let me clarify . In no way is he scary . Hes one of the handsomest young men youll see in the business . Quite cute . But , he is a lean , loose legged dancer that is a friend to all with a very big brain , I might add - - he seemed very intelligent indeed . Chelsea felt so comfortable with Jacob , and I believe she gave him the easiest - dude - to - hang - with prize that night . In the meantime , my NJ ladies were kind of speechless , looked exhausted yet exhilarated and just stood by smiling in the after - glow of a terrific , never to be forgotten night with Clay Aiken . It was time to say our goodbyes . They were being whisked away by Sam , and my little family was going to seek some quiet time to discuss all that had transpired there in the Emerald City that night before hitting the yellow brick road again back to the hotel . We hugged and kissed and hugged again . We made plans to correspond , keep in touch and never forget the night when all of us ladies first met and we went to see Clay live , on stage together , and our little Dorothy just happened to sing with him up there too ! While sitting in the Coffee Shop in the hotel , sipping on a root beer float to quench the thirst that had been building , I looked over at Chelsea and her still very - pink cheeks . Her eyes were so bright and there was a constant little smile pushing up the corners of her mouth that I dont think she was aware of . Many people in the place applauded her , some came over to talk with her and ask about her past experience . She got a tiny taste of the kind of thing that happens when people see you up there , and they like you . Made her kind of think about Clay and his huge fame and what that must be like . We were going home the next morning . Chelsea told me she was ready . She said she was wanting to go home . She still couldn 't believe she had made the trip over the rainbow , and that she had met the wizard that finally showed her he didn 't really have any magic tricks in that black bag for her ; that she really always had the power to do what she did , all by herself . But now , she was ready for home , her own bed , her friends and her very missed puppy dogs . I nodded in agreement . I was ready to go home too . I stroked her hair , and thought to myself , Hey Auntie Em . . . . There 's no place . . . " No wait . |
In a almost empty class room , a brunette girl , with her hair styled in a ponytail , sat at the window , staring out at the clear blue skies . There was a sadness in her brown eyes . She wore the yellow uniform that all Ouran high school girls wore , a yellow dress , with a white collar and cuffs , a red tie , white stockings , and black shoes . She had a notebook open on her lap . Someone had given her the directions to the host club . A topic that seemed to be mentioned most often , by girls with affection , by boys with bitter jealousy . The girl named Hiiro , did wonder what it would be like to go to such a place . She had joined this school a month ago , and she still didn 't have any friends . She would watch other people chatting away in their own happy little bubbles , not even bothering to engage her in conversation . Hiiro stood up , and walked out of the classroom carrying her notebook . She walked down the corridors , it was so empty , that she could hear her own foot steps echo . She continued to walk , until she found herself outside ' Music Room 3 . ' This room was familiar to her , but she hadn 't been here before . It never occurred to her , that it was the very room , that was on the note a girl named Renge had given to her . She pushed open the door just far enough to see what was going on inside , but not be noticed by the people inside . All of the girls in her class was here drinking coffee or talking with one of four boys . One however walked around the room , almost like a shadow , taking notes or whatever he was writing on that clipboard . He noticed Hiiro right away , even though she was not aware of it . The lonely girl decided not to venture inside today , so she turned away , and closed the door . Bounding down the corridor , was a small boy carrying a pink bunny , he was smiling brightly . He stopped near Hiiro , with a victorious laugh . Hiiro noticed a taller stoic boy casually walking towards them . " Um . . . no . . . I was . . . but . . " Hiiro mumbled . She was so used to people ignoring her , except occasionally , when one of the girls in her class would speak to her . " Oh . . . . " the smaller boy said , sadly . He quickly perked up . " If you do come inside , request Honey and Mori , and we can have some cake ! " The two boys walked into the music room , leaving Hirro alone . Hiiro walked away from the music room , regretting not going inside . She convinced herself that it couldn 't possibly be as fun in there , as she thought it would be , to rid herself of her regret . ' Should I go ? The girls did seem like they was having fun . . . ' Hiiro thought . She brushed some strands of hair out of her face , with her hand . " Are you coming to the host club later ? Honey told me that he invited you , " Renge enquired . She had one eye closed , and was looking at Hiiro through the other . " I 'm not putting on that dress ! ! " Haruhi yelled , as once again , Tamaki had asked her to wear girls clothing . " Stop being such a perv , Sempai ! " " Perv ? " Tamaki replied , like she had broken his heart . " I 'm no perv ! I just want my daughter to be happy , and wear beautiful dresses ! " he added , with the same dramatic tone he always did . Some of the other club members , Kaoru , Hikaru , Hunny and Mori , ignored Haruhi and Tamaki 's ' discussion . ' Honey of course was happily enjoying a piece of cake , while Mori sat at the same table . Mori didn 't say anything , even though he was concerned that Honey would rot out all of his teeth . " Girl ? " Hikaru said , suddenly taking interest now . Well , actually he was bored , and wanted to listen to something other than Tamaki presuring Haruhi to wear a dress . He stood near the table . Hiiro stood in the line , trying to decide what she wanted to eat . It all looked so good , to her . She wasn 't really looking where she was going , and bumped into a student in front of her . Both Hiiro and the boy in front of her - Kyoya , dropped the notebooks they was holding . " I must apologise , Princess , " Kyoya said , coolly . He used the charming act , that he saved for guests and girls . None of them knew the real Kyoya like the host club did . He had picked up Hiiro 's notebook . " I believe this is yours . " He held out her notebook . " You mean Hiiro right ? She 's in our class , " Renge said , before she pretended to drink ' commoner 's coffee . ' She didn 't much care for it . On her way home later that day , Hiiro thought again about the host club . She had heard about all the hosts , just from all the other girls in her class talking about them . She wondered who she would request , if she was to go to the host club . But , she shook her head . The following morning , she found a note in her desk . She assumed it was for her , but , to make sure , she checked who it was addressed to , it said her name . So , she read the note , it was an anonymous letter , asking her to meet this person outside music room 3 after school . After all her classes was done for the day , she walked down the corridor to a certain music room . There wasn 't anyone there , when she arrived . Hiiro waited for five minutes , before she decided to look inside the host club 's club room . Hiiro placed her hand on the golden door handle , her hand was kinda sweaty . She turned the handle , and pushed the door open . She stepped inside the clubroom , it was almost exactly how she saw it the other day . It took her a few seconds to pluck up the nerve to walk further in the room . " It looks like we have a new guest , gentlemen ! " Tamaki said , as he appeared at Hiiro 's side . " Welcome to the host club , Princess . . " " Um . . . " Hiiro muttered . She didn 't want to request Honey , but she didn 't want to disappoint him . She actually knew who she wanted to request , but she had heard from other girls that he didn 't take requests . " I 'm sure that could be arranged , " Kyoya replied . He turned in his seat , and called Haruhi over to the table . " Haruhi , fetch us some tea , for Miss Dorimu . " " Hiiro . . " Hiiro said , with a slight blush . " You can call me Hiiro , " she added , when she realised that she might sound slightly impolite . " Anything , as long as it is something that you would normally like to talk about , " Hiiro replied . She had chosen Kyoya for a reason . When she looked inside the room , and saw him not engaging in conversation with anyone , unless it was required , she believed him to be the most genuine person in the room . Hiiro treasured the thought of her time in the host club , with Kyoya . For just one hour a day , she had someone that was completely honest with her . Something that she was lacking in school . On her way home , she wondered what snacks Kyoya might like , after all he did accept her request even though he didn 't usually accept them . Hiiro was used to being doted on by her father like this , because he was hardly ever around , he believed that showering her in gifts would make her happy . In truth , it didn 't . She just wanted to spend some time with her father . She decided to go to the kitchen , to get a snack , not that their cook objected - well , he couldn 't anyway . His orders from Mr Dorimu was to make sure Hiiro was happy with every meal . Snacks counted as meals . " Pierre , " Hiiro said , trying to get the cook 's attention . " Could you teach me how to make these ? " She bit into the cookie , it was much better than she could ever make . Hiiro was started to make progress with the cookies , well she was making less of a mess each time she tried to make them , when her father came home early . He had to attend a uncovering of a new piece of artwork , at a art gallery . She had to wear one of her new dresses , it was a floral pink and white dress . Hiiro noticed a black haired girl looking at one of the more gothic looking paintings . She walked towards the girl , to look at the same painting . To Hiiro , it didn 't look all that interesting . It wasn 't to her tastes . The other girl , Reiko , glanced at Hiiro . " Yeah , I spend time with Kyoya , " Hiiro replied . She smiled brightly . " But , I kinda feel guilty , because even though Honey invited me to eat cake with him , I haven 't yet though . . " " You like Honey ? " Reiko enquired . She looked at Hiiro , like she was sizing up a enemy . Reiko decided that in a fight , she would win , with one good curse . When Hiiro returned home , she stayed up late trying to make a good batch of the chocolate cookies . They weren 't any good , and it took until 2am to get some cookies that was halfway eatable . Luckily , she had all week end to practise . She wanted them to be just perfect . The following morning , when Hiiro woke up it was almost noon . Once she had showered and got dressed , she found a note addressed to her in the drawing room . It was from her father , telling her that a car would come for her at 3pm , to take her to a designer clothes store . Again , he was doting on her , rather than spend some time with her . The car arrived promptly at 3pm , and Hiiro was taken on her little shopping trip . She was given her father 's credit card , and told she could by whatever she wanted . It was weird to her , that she could by whatever she wanted , but what she really wanted was the one thing she couldn 't buy , to spend some time talking to her father . Hiiro walked around the store , looking at some clothes . She looked at a pair of jeans , but decided not to buy them , because all the fun have been taken out of it for her . A couple of years ago , she would have loved a shopping trip . But now , she barely saw the point . " Fuyumi , why did you drag me along ? I have so many other things to do . . " Kyoya said , with slight annoyance . He had planned to go through the host club finances , then decide what the next host club theme should be , then make sure Tamaki thought that he had come with the idea . Fuyumi had decided to go shopping , and had dragged Kyoya along with her . Her husband was away with work again , and during one of her many visits to her family 's home , she noticed that Kyoya was spending too much time in his room . To her , it seemed like a good idea . When she had to try something on , he waited outside the changing rooms , playing the games on his phone . He didn 't notice that Hiiro was looking at a dress near by , she hadn 't noticed him either . Hiiro had seen a dress that was exactly what she wished her father would buy her , blue , simple and not a ballgown . " Nope . I told you that you didn 't have to pretend to be anyone else around me . So , if you say that 's the reason , then fair enough , " Hiiro replied . Hiiro walked up the stairs , to go to her room . Really , she could have took her bag up herself , but she had got into the habit of dumping it on the entrance hall floor . She turned on her computer , so she could check her email . Her and Reiko had exchanged emails at the party yesterday , so they could continue their conversation about the host club . Well , mostly talk about Honey . Reiko wanted to plan her next curse to win Honey 's heart , but wanted Hiiro to help . When she checked , she had two emails , one from MoeMoeFanGirl ( Renge ) and one from BlackMagicGirl ( Reiko . ) Renge was just emailing her to tell her more about Haruhi , and ask if Hiiro was dating Kyoya or not . Of course , Hiiro replied with making it clear that her and Kyoya was just friends . Then , when she responded to Reiko 's email , they talked about what kind of cake he would like and what would make the best bait for Reiko 's curse . Monday after school , Hiiro walked into music room 3 holding a box of chocolate cookies . She had spent all day yesterday trying to make a edible batch of cookies , but she gave up . So , Pierre had made them for her . " Good afternoon , Kyoya ! " Hiiro replied , with a smile . She held out her box of chocolate cookies . " Our cook made these cookies , and I thought you 'd like to try them ! " Hiiro opened the box , to reveal the delicious chocolate cookies inside . Kyoya looked at them , they weren 't really to his tastes , but she had taken the time to bring them all the way here , so he took one from the box . He took a bite of the crunchy chocolate cookies , sweet and crumbly . But , they weren 't to his taste . Hiiro used to dance a lot , at her old school . But , every time she had a performance , her dad wouldn 't show up to see it . After each one , she became more and more disappointed , until she vowed never to let anyone see her dance again . Hiiro had asked one of her teachers , if she could use one of the other music rooms , to practise . She didn 't tell them exactly what she was practising , but hinted that it had something to do with music . Well , she wasn 't really lying , just not being out right honest with him . Allowing herself to become the music made her feel so free , like all her worries was gone . She pirouetted , and leaped around the room . She wasn 't doing any particular dance , just any dance moves that popped into her head . Little did Hiiro know , that Tamaki had heard the music , and came looking for the source . He waited outside the room , just listening to the music at first . He slowly opened the door , and peeked inside . He was surprised to see Hiiro dancing , considering that she 'd showed no sign that she had any interest in music or anything to do with dancing . The host club king actually thought she was pretty good . The following day , Hiiro walked into the host club , she had decided that it was best to pretend that Tamaki hadn 't seen her dance yesterday . She was the only guest at the moment , the rest of the hosts was either casually lazing around , figuring out the next club theme day or playing video games . Or in Honey 's case , napping . " No , " Kyoya said flatly , as he typed away on his laptop . He 'd already decided what the theme would be , and way trying to plant the idea in Tamaki 's head , by looking at pictures of it on his laptop . He had selected something to do with the up coming performing arts festival . " We could have a theme to do with dancing ! " Tamaki said , miming dancing on his own . It was more a ballroom dance . " Maybe Hiiro will dance with you . " Hiiro didn 't respond , she acted like she hadn 't heard him . She then collected her things , and silently left the club room . She hated that he had told everyone like that , and didn 't want anyone to know that it was true . Hiiro had avoided the host club for several days , because she feared her secret would be out , and she would be expected to perform in the performing arts festival . Stood in front of the school notice board , looking at the poster for it . Apparently some performers from Lobelia Girls Academy would be in the show . Reiko stopped beside her , and looked at the poster to . " Yeah , totally . . " Hiiro agreed . She was lying , because she secretly did want to sign up for it , but was too afraid of anyone seeing her dance . At that moment , Tamaki was walking across the courtyard with Kyoya , they was on their way to the host club . Their class had finished a little later than usual , so they had to take a short cut to the music room . The two boys stopped near Hiiro and Reiko . " Signing up , Princess ? " Tamaki asked , turning on the charm . It was a reflex with him , to try to charm all the girls he saw , because as he always put it , ' it was the job of the host club to make every girl happy . ' " Dancing majestically . . . performing even better than Lobelia ! " Tamaki continued . He then removed his teddy bear pencil from his pocket , so he could fill in her name on the sign up sheet . " How about I sign you up . . " She entered the music room , there wasn 't any guests in here today either , just all of the hosts . Tamaki was in the corner sulking , because of how little everyone else cared that Hiiro had hit him . Honey bounded over to Hiiro , holding Usa - chan . Hiiro couldn 't look at Honey , instead , she looked at the notebook she was holding . ' So , Tamaki has told everyone . . . ' she thought . " Fine , I 'll dance , as long as no one mentions it again . . " she said , after realising Tamaki wouldn 't shut up until she did . " And , I 'm not entering the performing arts show ! " she added , in a ' no negotiating ' way . Hiiro got changed in one of the side rooms , into her usual dancing clothes : a dark red vest , black leggings , black wristbands , some slip on shoes . The host club boys and Haruhi sat down on the sofas , to watch her dance . She had chosen the same song as before , because it was her favourite . She closed her eyes , and pretended that there was no one else in the room . It was just her and the music . She then opened her eyes , and began to dance . Hiiro did the same dance routine she was doing , when Tamaki walked in and saw her , the other day . Hiiro blushed , as she looked up into Benio 's eyes . She hadn 't been treated this way , from a boy or a girl . She had no feelings for Benio , she was just happy to receive such attention . " Cheeks flushed with pink , like the rose has carefully placed petals upon them . . " Benio whispered into her ear . Benio then stood up straight , holding Hiiro close to her side . " You , sweet maiden , would be perfect in our performance . . . " she added , not caring that the host club was watching . Hiiro walked over to Kyoya , because she valued his opinion . He was the only person she could really talk to in this school , even though Reiko and Renge was her friends , they two girls didn 't really understand her . After all , she had asked Kyoya not to pretend to be someone else , and at the moment , she wasn 't living up to her side of the deal . Just hearing that , didn 't help her . She needed time to think , and this was all so sudden . She didn 't know if she was ready to dance in a actual show yet , because she could hardly dance in front of her friends . Even seeing her own reflection in a mirror was difficult , whilst dancing . This was a good opportunity for her , because even though she didn 't dance right now , if she decided to in the future as a career , performing with the prestigious Lobelia Girl 's Academy would look good . If she didn 't do it , then she would kick herself later . But , she was still afraid of dancing in front of people . " We shall help you , so you feel comfortable dancing in front of us , " Tamaki decided , not caring that Hiiro hadn 't made her mind up yet . " Mori - sempai , go put the sign on the door , telling customers that we are closed today . " Mori then dashed out of the room , to put the sign on the door . " Hikaru , Kaoru , you work on the costumes . " " Not going to happen , " Haruhi said , flatly . " As long as I don 't have to put up with the Zuka Club , I don 't care . Now , I 'm going to the supermarket , there 's a sale on . " With that , Haruhi walked out of the club room . " I haven 't even made up my mind , and you 're already planning practices ? ! " Hiiro yelled at him . Tamaki was seriously getting on her last nerve . Hiiro stormed out the room , going into the side room , to go get changed back into her uniform . She didn 't stick around , to hang out with Kyoya , during club activities . Hiiro returned home , dumping her bag on the entrance hall floor , like always . Hiiro ignored her , and walked towards the stairs , she was going to spend the evening in her room , deciding whether performing with the Zuka Club would be right or not . She changed out of her uniform , and put on the first outfit she found : jeans , black waist coat with a white top underneath . She put them on with a pair of black shoes . Hiiro lay down on her bed , looking up at the ceiling . She wanted to , but she was afraid . At that moment , the maid Yuki walked into the room , with Hiiro 's school bag . " Miss Dorimu , you 've been invited to the Ootori residence , personal invitation from Master Kyoya Ootori . Mr Dorimu would like to speak to you in his study , " Yuki said . She didn 't wait for a reply , because Mr Dorimu had told her to do that . Hiiro walked to her father 's study , wondering what he wanted . Surely he wouldn 't object , if Kyoya had invited her to his home , it 's not like she asked him to , because she didn 't . She gently knocked on the door . Hiiro opened the door , and walked into his study . It hadn 't changed a bit , from the last time she came in here a couple of years ago . It had Chinese decor , seemed strange to her , considering they lived in Japan . Hiiro sat down on one of the chairs in front of the desk . She looked at her father , it seemed like it had been a long time since he actually talked to her directly . Usually it was one of his assistants , or he was talking about her at a party , while she was stood next to him . " Good , good . Now , you wouldn 't want to keep Master Ootori waiting , now would you ? " Mr Dorimu replied , with a almost happy tone . Hiiro walked out of the study , slightly confused . She wasn 't completely sure , but it seemed like her father was actually happy about what he 'd found out . Like he actually approved . A car was sent , to take Hiiro to Kyoya 's home . It turned out that Kyoya 's father and brothers was away working , and Kyoya had invited her over , so he could help her with her problem dancing . The maids had brought some food into Kyoya 's room , and left it on the coffee table , so Kyoya and Hiiro could eat when ever they wanted . They had pushed most of the furniture against the wall , to make more space . " Because , I know what it 's like to constantly try to make a parent happy , " Kyoya replied , as he tied a not in the blindfold , to keep it in place . " What I am going to do , is put on some music , and you are going to dance . I may or may not leave the room . " Kyoya walked over to the stereo , and turned on the music , it was the same one she played earlier . He walked towards the door , opened it , waited for a second , then closed it again . He hadn 't actually left the room , but he wanted Hiiro to think he did . Hiiro waited , she listened to the music for a few seconds , before she started twirling on the spot . Kyoya removed a video camera from one of the dresser draws , and started to record her dancing . As she got more into the music , she started pirouetting , and letting the music completely take over her . At first , she was worried about Kyoya seeing her , but after a couple of hours , she got over it . The two of them practised all night , by the time the sun started to rise , Hiiro was comfortable doing ballroom dances with Kyoya . But , dancing in front of anyone else sort of would be a problem . Hiiro was tired all morning , she nearly fell asleep during class . All she could think about was what she was going to say , when she met up with the Zuka Club girls . She stared at her textbook , the words seemed to swirl around , because she couldn 't concentrate . Hiiro tapped her pencil on her notebook . ' What should I do ? Should I perform with them ? Maybe if I did this , it would be a good thing . . . but what if I make a fool of myself . . I 'll just totally die . . ' She shook her head , to try to rid herself of those thoughts . ' Stop worrying ! This will probably go great , no one has told you that you are a suckish dancer . . but still . . ' Her worrying continued for the rest of the lesson , it was the only thing keeping her awake . After class , Hiiro walked through the school corridors , trying to decide what she was going to do . The brunette was too lost in her thoughts , to realise that Renge was calling her . Renge had been following her for ten minutes . " The guys want to speak to you in the club room , " Renge told her . She grabbed hold of Hiiro 's arm . " Wouldn 't want to keep them waiting now , do we ? " Renge dragged Hiiro all the way to the club room , ignoring Hiiro 's protests . When the doors opened , Hiiro saw that there was some dummies around , with different costumes . All of the host club member was wearing a costume , Honey had even dressed up Usa - chan . Hiiro glanced from one person to the next , surprised by each of their costumes . Tamaki in a suit like a pianist , Haruhi , Hikaru and Kaoru dressed fancy with opera binoculars , Kyoya dressed like a renaissance prince , Honey was dressed like a renaissance boy , Usa - chan wearing a matching outfit to Honey . Mori was dressed normally , but was acting as a prop mover . " And , I 'm the director and script writer ! I wrote the perfect script , for you to read from , " Renge added , she held out her script . Hiiro didn 't notice Renge holding it before , which she wasn 't . The boys , Haruhi and Renge still had a few things to prepare , so Hiiro decided to go for a walk . She knew that the Zuka Club girls would be coming for her decision soon , so she figured that she should stay in one place to help them find her . So , she waited in the courtyard . It didn 't take long for Benio , Chizuru and Hinako to find her . ' Haruhi Fujioka is . . . ' Hiiro couldn 't bring herself to even think what she had saw , she completely didn 't see all the signs . But , now she knew , she could see that all the signs was there , for all to see . It all began , on a Friday afternoon . Tamaki was discussing potential costumes that Hiiro could wear , for their pretend play . But , none of them seemed right . Both Hikaru and Kaoru had brought some outfits , designed by their mother , but they just wasn 't right . Hiiro had never stepped foot inside a supermarket before , and was quite excited about the idea . She agreed to go , even though she did feel awkward about going to a boy 's house . She was under the impression that Haruhi was a boy . Hiiro woke up early the following morning , because she was really excited at the idea of going to a commoner 's supermarket . She was ready and dressed , by the time the car showed up at 10am sharp . When she climbed into the back of the car , she noticed that it was a different driver than usual , Rocco , he smiled at her . During the car journey , Hiiro looked out the window , not really thinking about anything in general . Her thoughts eventually turned to how Haruhi had invited her over , and if there was a hidden meaning in it . It was Haruhi that invited her over after all . Haruhi wasn 't known to do that , in fact she was quite annoyed when ever the host club decided to visit her home unannounced . Rocco stopped the car outside an apartment building , Hiiro looked up at it with awe . She hadn 't seen anything like this , since she lived in England when she was 6 years old . Rocco got out of the car , and opened the door for her . Hiiro removed a piece of paper from her pocket , with Haruhi 's address on it . She wasn 't sure which house was Haruhi 's , and how so many houses could be in one building . She walked towards the stairs , not sure whether she should check the ' houses ' on the bottom floor or the top . Ranka lead Hiiro up the stairs to their apartment . When he opened the door , Hiiro was shocked by how small it was . The whole apartment would probably fit quite nicely in Hiiro 's bedroom . She didn 't say anything though , because she didn 't want to be rude . Hiiro sat down on the floor , at the low table , looking around the room . She glanced around the room , the thing that caught her eye the most , was a shrine , probably to Haruhi 's mother . It often made Hiiro said , when Haruhi would talk about her mother , because even though Hiiro 's mother was alive and living in England , it would make her sad , if she passed away . Haruhi walked into the living room with a smile , making Hiiro 's jaw drop . Haruhi was wearing a white tshirt , with a pink halter neck top over it , denim capri pants , and sandals . She had two pink hair clips in her hair . To Hiiro , nothing made sense . Haruhi was a girl , yet she attended Ouran as a boy . She pondered over it for the rest of the weekend , trying to make sense of it , but she couldn 't . Monday , she decided not to mention it . Saturday , Haruhi had told Hiiro , that the entire host club knew , but Hiiro couldn 't get her head around the idea . Hiiro was distracted all the way through her rehearsal time , with Kyoya . Haruhi 's father Ranka had suggested a long flowy cream coloured dress , for her to wear during rehearsals , because that would compliment her complexion most . Naturally , Hikaru and Koaru had taken the opportunity to syle her hair , with a girly updo , with a golden headband . She did look very beautiful . The rehearsal went on every day , for nearly three weeks , using a script that Renge had claimed to have written , about a man and a woman , that was never allowed to speak to each other , because their parents was setting them up in a arranged marriage . It was love at first sight between the two , even though they hand never spoken . Secretly , Renge had gotten a famous script writer to writ it for her . Renge was sat in a director 's chair , while the other host club members were sitting in the audience , with all the girls that came to the host club as guests . The girls had heard about it accidentally , but they all wanted to show their support for Hiiro . Some of the girls that liked Kyoya , had noticed how happy he was around Hiiro , and secretly hoped that they would become a couple . They had gotten to the part , where Hiiro - as the leading lady Giselle , had taken a stroll in the gardens , unaware that Kyoya - as the leading man Christophe , was also walking through the gardens . Hiiro gasped at the sight of Kyoya , then tried to turn away , knowing that she was not supposed to see him with out supervision . Kyoya looked mildly surprised , as he was supposed to , because it was how Christophe was supposed to act . He had gotten quite into character . In that moment , when their eyes met , the seeds of love had been planted . They both realised , that it was possible , that the other felt the same . Time will tell , if they acted on it . In that one moment , they were not Giselle and Christophe , they was Hiiro and Kyoya . With the host club 's help , Hiiro was finally ready to begin rehearsals with The Zuka Club . Every day after school , a car would take her from Ouran Academy to St . Lobelia Academy , so she could rehearse with them . The rehearsals was going great , but every time Benio flirted with her , Hiiro couldn 't help thinking about Kyoya . There was a connection , in that moment , she just knew it . Hiiro sat near the window , looking up at the clear ble skies . Today , there wasn 't a single cloud in the sky . She had a lot on her mind lately , because her father was encouraging her to spend more time dancing , he had even hired a dance instructor to help her . It did cut into her time with Kyoya though , it was almost nonexistent . Hiiro smiled at her , because it confirmed why she felt so different around Kyoya . He was there for her when seh needed him , and helped her face her biggest fear . She was able to perform in front of an audience , even though it would be small compared to how it would be on opening night . ' Are you my sunshine , Kyoya ? ' she thought , the smile still spread across her lips . ' Am I also yours ? ' Chapter 12 : Realisation of Reciprocated LoveEdit After weeks if rehearsals , it was finally time for the main performance . Hiiro paced back stage , in her black dress , she was extremely nervous . Performing in front of friends and guests of the host club was one thing , but now she would be performing in front of the whole school and St . Lobelia Academy . What worried her most , was that someone had told her that there would be a kiss scene , even though Hiiro and Benio hadn 't rehearsed one . She thought it would be best not to think about it . Hiiro glanced over her shoulder at Benio , this pose was one that Benio had come to like most , but only when Hiiro did it , especially with her sweet maidenly coy smile . However , Benio knew that Hiiro 's heart belonged to anohter , and it would take more than innocent flirting to steal it away . Maybe the kiss scene , with the most romantic part of the performance , might tempt Hiiro to see Benio as more than just a friend . The curtains went up , on a scene that was of Benio singing about how beautiful and maidenly Lolabelle was , describing her as the most beautiful maiden in all the land . With other performers , including Chizuru and Hinako singing back up . When it was Hiiro 's cue to walk on stage , to begin her first dance with Marco ( Benio ) , she looked out to the audience nervously . Just that , was enough to give Hiiro the confidence , to continue on with the show . With Benio 's advice in mind , she put her heart into her performance , it helped that she pretended Benio was Kyoya . In the final scene , were Marco was dying in Lolabelle 's arms , as the couple declared their never ending loved for one another , there wasn 't a single dry eye in the audience . Even Kyoya shed a tear , but he covered it , by placing his hand on his cheek . Benio brushed her hand against Hiiro 's cheek , then side glanced to the audience , before continuing with her lines . " Oh , Lolabelle , even after my heart 's last beat , my love for you will go on , as eternal and beautiful as the shining sun . . . " Benio said . She took Hiiro 's hand , placed it on her chest . " All I wish from you , my love , is one kiss . . . " Benio continued . She looked right up into Hiiro 's eyes . She looked right up into Hiiro 's eyes . At that moment , Hiiro knew that she couldn 't kiss Benio . After all , Benio was right , love was like a delicate cherry blossom , along with a maiden 's first kiss . Hiiro couldn 't give that to Benio , because it would after all mean nothing . She leaned closer to Benio . The following day , Hiiro walked through the courtyard , happily . She was wearing the black shoes that she wore during the performance last night , because they reminded her of what she could accomplish , if she put her mind to it . Everyone was talking about the play , and how well Benio and Hiiro worked well together . Kyoya was sat on a bench , working on the host club 's budget , it was a nice day after all , so best to be outside . Hiiro did think , that he was saying the set of lines from Renge 's first script draft , but with the names changed . Maybe , in time , she will realise what he really meant . For now , their relationship could stay at friendship . Hiiro smiled at him , which he returned , then left the courtyard , to meet up with Reiko and Renge . She had to ask them something , to see if they thought Kyoya might feel the same for her . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
In a almost empty class room , a brunette girl , with her hair styled in a ponytail , sat at the window , staring out at the clear blue skies . There was a sadness in her brown eyes . She wore the yellow uniform that all Ouran high school girls wore , a yellow dress , with a white collar and cuffs , a red tie , white stockings , and black shoes . She had a notebook open on her lap . Someone had given her the directions to the host club . A topic that seemed to be mentioned most often , by girls with affection , by boys with bitter jealousy . The girl named Hiiro , did wonder what it would be like to go to such a place . She had joined this school a month ago , and she still didn 't have any friends . She would watch other people chatting away in their own happy little bubbles , not even bothering to engage her in conversation . Hiiro stood up , and walked out of the classroom carrying her notebook . She walked down the corridors , it was so empty , that she could hear her own foot steps echo . She continued to walk , until she found herself outside ' Music Room 3 . ' This room was familiar to her , but she hadn 't been here before . It never occurred to her , that it was the very room , that was on the note a girl named Renge had given to her . She pushed open the door just far enough to see what was going on inside , but not be noticed by the people inside . All of the girls in her class was here drinking coffee or talking with one of four boys . One however walked around the room , almost like a shadow , taking notes or whatever he was writing on that clipboard . He noticed Hiiro right away , even though she was not aware of it . The lonely girl decided not to venture inside today , so she turned away , and closed the door . Bounding down the corridor , was a small boy carrying a pink bunny , he was smiling brightly . He stopped near Hiiro , with a victorious laugh . Hiiro noticed a taller stoic boy casually walking towards them . " Um . . . no . . . I was . . . but . . " Hiiro mumbled . She was so used to people ignoring her , except occasionally , when one of the girls in her class would speak to her . " Oh . . . . " the smaller boy said , sadly . He quickly perked up . " If you do come inside , request Honey and Mori , and we can have some cake ! " The two boys walked into the music room , leaving Hirro alone . Hiiro walked away from the music room , regretting not going inside . She convinced herself that it couldn 't possibly be as fun in there , as she thought it would be , to rid herself of her regret . ' Should I go ? The girls did seem like they was having fun . . . ' Hiiro thought . She brushed some strands of hair out of her face , with her hand . " Are you coming to the host club later ? Honey told me that he invited you , " Renge enquired . She had one eye closed , and was looking at Hiiro through the other . " I 'm not putting on that dress ! ! " Haruhi yelled , as once again , Tamaki had asked her to wear girls clothing . " Stop being such a perv , Sempai ! " " Perv ? " Tamaki replied , like she had broken his heart . " I 'm no perv ! I just want my daughter to be happy , and wear beautiful dresses ! " he added , with the same dramatic tone he always did . Some of the other club members , Kaoru , Hikaru , Hunny and Mori , ignored Haruhi and Tamaki 's ' discussion . ' Honey of course was happily enjoying a piece of cake , while Mori sat at the same table . Mori didn 't say anything , even though he was concerned that Honey would rot out all of his teeth . " Girl ? " Hikaru said , suddenly taking interest now . Well , actually he was bored , and wanted to listen to something other than Tamaki presuring Haruhi to wear a dress . He stood near the table . Hiiro stood in the line , trying to decide what she wanted to eat . It all looked so good , to her . She wasn 't really looking where she was going , and bumped into a student in front of her . Both Hiiro and the boy in front of her - Kyoya , dropped the notebooks they was holding . " I must apologise , Princess , " Kyoya said , coolly . He used the charming act , that he saved for guests and girls . None of them knew the real Kyoya like the host club did . He had picked up Hiiro 's notebook . " I believe this is yours . " He held out her notebook . " You mean Hiiro right ? She 's in our class , " Renge said , before she pretended to drink ' commoner 's coffee . ' She didn 't much care for it . On her way home later that day , Hiiro thought again about the host club . She had heard about all the hosts , just from all the other girls in her class talking about them . She wondered who she would request , if she was to go to the host club . But , she shook her head . The following morning , she found a note in her desk . She assumed it was for her , but , to make sure , she checked who it was addressed to , it said her name . So , she read the note , it was an anonymous letter , asking her to meet this person outside music room 3 after school . After all her classes was done for the day , she walked down the corridor to a certain music room . There wasn 't anyone there , when she arrived . Hiiro waited for five minutes , before she decided to look inside the host club 's club room . Hiiro placed her hand on the golden door handle , her hand was kinda sweaty . She turned the handle , and pushed the door open . She stepped inside the clubroom , it was almost exactly how she saw it the other day . It took her a few seconds to pluck up the nerve to walk further in the room . " It looks like we have a new guest , gentlemen ! " Tamaki said , as he appeared at Hiiro 's side . " Welcome to the host club , Princess . . " " Um . . . " Hiiro muttered . She didn 't want to request Honey , but she didn 't want to disappoint him . She actually knew who she wanted to request , but she had heard from other girls that he didn 't take requests . " I 'm sure that could be arranged , " Kyoya replied . He turned in his seat , and called Haruhi over to the table . " Haruhi , fetch us some tea , for Miss Dorimu . " " Hiiro . . " Hiiro said , with a slight blush . " You can call me Hiiro , " she added , when she realised that she might sound slightly impolite . " Anything , as long as it is something that you would normally like to talk about , " Hiiro replied . She had chosen Kyoya for a reason . When she looked inside the room , and saw him not engaging in conversation with anyone , unless it was required , she believed him to be the most genuine person in the room . Hiiro treasured the thought of her time in the host club , with Kyoya . For just one hour a day , she had someone that was completely honest with her . Something that she was lacking in school . On her way home , she wondered what snacks Kyoya might like , after all he did accept her request even though he didn 't usually accept them . Hiiro was used to being doted on by her father like this , because he was hardly ever around , he believed that showering her in gifts would make her happy . In truth , it didn 't . She just wanted to spend some time with her father . She decided to go to the kitchen , to get a snack , not that their cook objected - well , he couldn 't anyway . His orders from Mr Dorimu was to make sure Hiiro was happy with every meal . Snacks counted as meals . " Pierre , " Hiiro said , trying to get the cook 's attention . " Could you teach me how to make these ? " She bit into the cookie , it was much better than she could ever make . Hiiro was started to make progress with the cookies , well she was making less of a mess each time she tried to make them , when her father came home early . He had to attend a uncovering of a new piece of artwork , at a art gallery . She had to wear one of her new dresses , it was a floral pink and white dress . Hiiro noticed a black haired girl looking at one of the more gothic looking paintings . She walked towards the girl , to look at the same painting . To Hiiro , it didn 't look all that interesting . It wasn 't to her tastes . The other girl , Reiko , glanced at Hiiro . " Yeah , I spend time with Kyoya , " Hiiro replied . She smiled brightly . " But , I kinda feel guilty , because even though Honey invited me to eat cake with him , I haven 't yet though . . " " You like Honey ? " Reiko enquired . She looked at Hiiro , like she was sizing up a enemy . Reiko decided that in a fight , she would win , with one good curse . When Hiiro returned home , she stayed up late trying to make a good batch of the chocolate cookies . They weren 't any good , and it took until 2am to get some cookies that was halfway eatable . Luckily , she had all week end to practise . She wanted them to be just perfect . The following morning , when Hiiro woke up it was almost noon . Once she had showered and got dressed , she found a note addressed to her in the drawing room . It was from her father , telling her that a car would come for her at 3pm , to take her to a designer clothes store . Again , he was doting on her , rather than spend some time with her . The car arrived promptly at 3pm , and Hiiro was taken on her little shopping trip . She was given her father 's credit card , and told she could by whatever she wanted . It was weird to her , that she could by whatever she wanted , but what she really wanted was the one thing she couldn 't buy , to spend some time talking to her father . Hiiro walked around the store , looking at some clothes . She looked at a pair of jeans , but decided not to buy them , because all the fun have been taken out of it for her . A couple of years ago , she would have loved a shopping trip . But now , she barely saw the point . " Fuyumi , why did you drag me along ? I have so many other things to do . . " Kyoya said , with slight annoyance . He had planned to go through the host club finances , then decide what the next host club theme should be , then make sure Tamaki thought that he had come with the idea . Fuyumi had decided to go shopping , and had dragged Kyoya along with her . Her husband was away with work again , and during one of her many visits to her family 's home , she noticed that Kyoya was spending too much time in his room . To her , it seemed like a good idea . When she had to try something on , he waited outside the changing rooms , playing the games on his phone . He didn 't notice that Hiiro was looking at a dress near by , she hadn 't noticed him either . Hiiro had seen a dress that was exactly what she wished her father would buy her , blue , simple and not a ballgown . " Nope . I told you that you didn 't have to pretend to be anyone else around me . So , if you say that 's the reason , then fair enough , " Hiiro replied . Hiiro walked up the stairs , to go to her room . Really , she could have took her bag up herself , but she had got into the habit of dumping it on the entrance hall floor . She turned on her computer , so she could check her email . Her and Reiko had exchanged emails at the party yesterday , so they could continue their conversation about the host club . Well , mostly talk about Honey . Reiko wanted to plan her next curse to win Honey 's heart , but wanted Hiiro to help . When she checked , she had two emails , one from MoeMoeFanGirl ( Renge ) and one from BlackMagicGirl ( Reiko . ) Renge was just emailing her to tell her more about Haruhi , and ask if Hiiro was dating Kyoya or not . Of course , Hiiro replied with making it clear that her and Kyoya was just friends . Then , when she responded to Reiko 's email , they talked about what kind of cake he would like and what would make the best bait for Reiko 's curse . Monday after school , Hiiro walked into music room 3 holding a box of chocolate cookies . She had spent all day yesterday trying to make a edible batch of cookies , but she gave up . So , Pierre had made them for her . " Good afternoon , Kyoya ! " Hiiro replied , with a smile . She held out her box of chocolate cookies . " Our cook made these cookies , and I thought you 'd like to try them ! " Hiiro opened the box , to reveal the delicious chocolate cookies inside . Kyoya looked at them , they weren 't really to his tastes , but she had taken the time to bring them all the way here , so he took one from the box . He took a bite of the crunchy chocolate cookies , sweet and crumbly . But , they weren 't to his taste . Hiiro used to dance a lot , at her old school . But , every time she had a performance , her dad wouldn 't show up to see it . After each one , she became more and more disappointed , until she vowed never to let anyone see her dance again . Hiiro had asked one of her teachers , if she could use one of the other music rooms , to practise . She didn 't tell them exactly what she was practising , but hinted that it had something to do with music . Well , she wasn 't really lying , just not being out right honest with him . Allowing herself to become the music made her feel so free , like all her worries was gone . She pirouetted , and leaped around the room . She wasn 't doing any particular dance , just any dance moves that popped into her head . Little did Hiiro know , that Tamaki had heard the music , and came looking for the source . He waited outside the room , just listening to the music at first . He slowly opened the door , and peeked inside . He was surprised to see Hiiro dancing , considering that she 'd showed no sign that she had any interest in music or anything to do with dancing . The host club king actually thought she was pretty good . The following day , Hiiro walked into the host club , she had decided that it was best to pretend that Tamaki hadn 't seen her dance yesterday . She was the only guest at the moment , the rest of the hosts was either casually lazing around , figuring out the next club theme day or playing video games . Or in Honey 's case , napping . " No , " Kyoya said flatly , as he typed away on his laptop . He 'd already decided what the theme would be , and way trying to plant the idea in Tamaki 's head , by looking at pictures of it on his laptop . He had selected something to do with the up coming performing arts festival . " We could have a theme to do with dancing ! " Tamaki said , miming dancing on his own . It was more a ballroom dance . " Maybe Hiiro will dance with you . " Hiiro didn 't respond , she acted like she hadn 't heard him . She then collected her things , and silently left the club room . She hated that he had told everyone like that , and didn 't want anyone to know that it was true . Hiiro had avoided the host club for several days , because she feared her secret would be out , and she would be expected to perform in the performing arts festival . Stood in front of the school notice board , looking at the poster for it . Apparently some performers from Lobelia Girls Academy would be in the show . Reiko stopped beside her , and looked at the poster to . " Yeah , totally . . " Hiiro agreed . She was lying , because she secretly did want to sign up for it , but was too afraid of anyone seeing her dance . At that moment , Tamaki was walking across the courtyard with Kyoya , they was on their way to the host club . Their class had finished a little later than usual , so they had to take a short cut to the music room . The two boys stopped near Hiiro and Reiko . " Signing up , Princess ? " Tamaki asked , turning on the charm . It was a reflex with him , to try to charm all the girls he saw , because as he always put it , ' it was the job of the host club to make every girl happy . ' " Dancing majestically . . . performing even better than Lobelia ! " Tamaki continued . He then removed his teddy bear pencil from his pocket , so he could fill in her name on the sign up sheet . " How about I sign you up . . " She entered the music room , there wasn 't any guests in here today either , just all of the hosts . Tamaki was in the corner sulking , because of how little everyone else cared that Hiiro had hit him . Honey bounded over to Hiiro , holding Usa - chan . Hiiro couldn 't look at Honey , instead , she looked at the notebook she was holding . ' So , Tamaki has told everyone . . . ' she thought . " Fine , I 'll dance , as long as no one mentions it again . . " she said , after realising Tamaki wouldn 't shut up until she did . " And , I 'm not entering the performing arts show ! " she added , in a ' no negotiating ' way . Hiiro got changed in one of the side rooms , into her usual dancing clothes : a dark red vest , black leggings , black wristbands , some slip on shoes . The host club boys and Haruhi sat down on the sofas , to watch her dance . She had chosen the same song as before , because it was her favourite . She closed her eyes , and pretended that there was no one else in the room . It was just her and the music . She then opened her eyes , and began to dance . Hiiro did the same dance routine she was doing , when Tamaki walked in and saw her , the other day . Hiiro blushed , as she looked up into Benio 's eyes . She hadn 't been treated this way , from a boy or a girl . She had no feelings for Benio , she was just happy to receive such attention . " Cheeks flushed with pink , like the rose has carefully placed petals upon them . . " Benio whispered into her ear . Benio then stood up straight , holding Hiiro close to her side . " You , sweet maiden , would be perfect in our performance . . . " she added , not caring that the host club was watching . Hiiro walked over to Kyoya , because she valued his opinion . He was the only person she could really talk to in this school , even though Reiko and Renge was her friends , they two girls didn 't really understand her . After all , she had asked Kyoya not to pretend to be someone else , and at the moment , she wasn 't living up to her side of the deal . Just hearing that , didn 't help her . She needed time to think , and this was all so sudden . She didn 't know if she was ready to dance in a actual show yet , because she could hardly dance in front of her friends . Even seeing her own reflection in a mirror was difficult , whilst dancing . This was a good opportunity for her , because even though she didn 't dance right now , if she decided to in the future as a career , performing with the prestigious Lobelia Girl 's Academy would look good . If she didn 't do it , then she would kick herself later . But , she was still afraid of dancing in front of people . " We shall help you , so you feel comfortable dancing in front of us , " Tamaki decided , not caring that Hiiro hadn 't made her mind up yet . " Mori - sempai , go put the sign on the door , telling customers that we are closed today . " Mori then dashed out of the room , to put the sign on the door . " Hikaru , Kaoru , you work on the costumes . " " Not going to happen , " Haruhi said , flatly . " As long as I don 't have to put up with the Zuka Club , I don 't care . Now , I 'm going to the supermarket , there 's a sale on . " With that , Haruhi walked out of the club room . " I haven 't even made up my mind , and you 're already planning practices ? ! " Hiiro yelled at him . Tamaki was seriously getting on her last nerve . Hiiro stormed out the room , going into the side room , to go get changed back into her uniform . She didn 't stick around , to hang out with Kyoya , during club activities . Hiiro returned home , dumping her bag on the entrance hall floor , like always . Hiiro ignored her , and walked towards the stairs , she was going to spend the evening in her room , deciding whether performing with the Zuka Club would be right or not . She changed out of her uniform , and put on the first outfit she found : jeans , black waist coat with a white top underneath . She put them on with a pair of black shoes . Hiiro lay down on her bed , looking up at the ceiling . She wanted to , but she was afraid . At that moment , the maid Yuki walked into the room , with Hiiro 's school bag . " Miss Dorimu , you 've been invited to the Ootori residence , personal invitation from Master Kyoya Ootori . Mr Dorimu would like to speak to you in his study , " Yuki said . She didn 't wait for a reply , because Mr Dorimu had told her to do that . Hiiro walked to her father 's study , wondering what he wanted . Surely he wouldn 't object , if Kyoya had invited her to his home , it 's not like she asked him to , because she didn 't . She gently knocked on the door . Hiiro opened the door , and walked into his study . It hadn 't changed a bit , from the last time she came in here a couple of years ago . It had Chinese decor , seemed strange to her , considering they lived in Japan . Hiiro sat down on one of the chairs in front of the desk . She looked at her father , it seemed like it had been a long time since he actually talked to her directly . Usually it was one of his assistants , or he was talking about her at a party , while she was stood next to him . " Good , good . Now , you wouldn 't want to keep Master Ootori waiting , now would you ? " Mr Dorimu replied , with a almost happy tone . Hiiro walked out of the study , slightly confused . She wasn 't completely sure , but it seemed like her father was actually happy about what he 'd found out . Like he actually approved . A car was sent , to take Hiiro to Kyoya 's home . It turned out that Kyoya 's father and brothers was away working , and Kyoya had invited her over , so he could help her with her problem dancing . The maids had brought some food into Kyoya 's room , and left it on the coffee table , so Kyoya and Hiiro could eat when ever they wanted . They had pushed most of the furniture against the wall , to make more space . " Because , I know what it 's like to constantly try to make a parent happy , " Kyoya replied , as he tied a not in the blindfold , to keep it in place . " What I am going to do , is put on some music , and you are going to dance . I may or may not leave the room . " Kyoya walked over to the stereo , and turned on the music , it was the same one she played earlier . He walked towards the door , opened it , waited for a second , then closed it again . He hadn 't actually left the room , but he wanted Hiiro to think he did . Hiiro waited , she listened to the music for a few seconds , before she started twirling on the spot . Kyoya removed a video camera from one of the dresser draws , and started to record her dancing . As she got more into the music , she started pirouetting , and letting the music completely take over her . At first , she was worried about Kyoya seeing her , but after a couple of hours , she got over it . The two of them practised all night , by the time the sun started to rise , Hiiro was comfortable doing ballroom dances with Kyoya . But , dancing in front of anyone else sort of would be a problem . Hiiro was tired all morning , she nearly fell asleep during class . All she could think about was what she was going to say , when she met up with the Zuka Club girls . She stared at her textbook , the words seemed to swirl around , because she couldn 't concentrate . Hiiro tapped her pencil on her notebook . ' What should I do ? Should I perform with them ? Maybe if I did this , it would be a good thing . . . but what if I make a fool of myself . . I 'll just totally die . . ' She shook her head , to try to rid herself of those thoughts . ' Stop worrying ! This will probably go great , no one has told you that you are a suckish dancer . . but still . . ' Her worrying continued for the rest of the lesson , it was the only thing keeping her awake . After class , Hiiro walked through the school corridors , trying to decide what she was going to do . The brunette was too lost in her thoughts , to realise that Renge was calling her . Renge had been following her for ten minutes . " The guys want to speak to you in the club room , " Renge told her . She grabbed hold of Hiiro 's arm . " Wouldn 't want to keep them waiting now , do we ? " Renge dragged Hiiro all the way to the club room , ignoring Hiiro 's protests . When the doors opened , Hiiro saw that there was some dummies around , with different costumes . All of the host club member was wearing a costume , Honey had even dressed up Usa - chan . Hiiro glanced from one person to the next , surprised by each of their costumes . Tamaki in a suit like a pianist , Haruhi , Hikaru and Kaoru dressed fancy with opera binoculars , Kyoya dressed like a renaissance prince , Honey was dressed like a renaissance boy , Usa - chan wearing a matching outfit to Honey . Mori was dressed normally , but was acting as a prop mover . " And , I 'm the director and script writer ! I wrote the perfect script , for you to read from , " Renge added , she held out her script . Hiiro didn 't notice Renge holding it before , which she wasn 't . The boys , Haruhi and Renge still had a few things to prepare , so Hiiro decided to go for a walk . She knew that the Zuka Club girls would be coming for her decision soon , so she figured that she should stay in one place to help them find her . So , she waited in the courtyard . It didn 't take long for Benio , Chizuru and Hinako to find her . ' Haruhi Fujioka is . . . ' Hiiro couldn 't bring herself to even think what she had saw , she completely didn 't see all the signs . But , now she knew , she could see that all the signs was there , for all to see . It all began , on a Friday afternoon . Tamaki was discussing potential costumes that Hiiro could wear , for their pretend play . But , none of them seemed right . Both Hikaru and Kaoru had brought some outfits , designed by their mother , but they just wasn 't right . Hiiro had never stepped foot inside a supermarket before , and was quite excited about the idea . She agreed to go , even though she did feel awkward about going to a boy 's house . She was under the impression that Haruhi was a boy . Hiiro woke up early the following morning , because she was really excited at the idea of going to a commoner 's supermarket . She was ready and dressed , by the time the car showed up at 10am sharp . When she climbed into the back of the car , she noticed that it was a different driver than usual , Rocco , he smiled at her . During the car journey , Hiiro looked out the window , not really thinking about anything in general . Her thoughts eventually turned to how Haruhi had invited her over , and if there was a hidden meaning in it . It was Haruhi that invited her over after all . Haruhi wasn 't known to do that , in fact she was quite annoyed when ever the host club decided to visit her home unannounced . Rocco stopped the car outside an apartment building , Hiiro looked up at it with awe . She hadn 't seen anything like this , since she lived in England when she was 6 years old . Rocco got out of the car , and opened the door for her . Hiiro removed a piece of paper from her pocket , with Haruhi 's address on it . She wasn 't sure which house was Haruhi 's , and how so many houses could be in one building . She walked towards the stairs , not sure whether she should check the ' houses ' on the bottom floor or the top . Ranka lead Hiiro up the stairs to their apartment . When he opened the door , Hiiro was shocked by how small it was . The whole apartment would probably fit quite nicely in Hiiro 's bedroom . She didn 't say anything though , because she didn 't want to be rude . Hiiro sat down on the floor , at the low table , looking around the room . She glanced around the room , the thing that caught her eye the most , was a shrine , probably to Haruhi 's mother . It often made Hiiro said , when Haruhi would talk about her mother , because even though Hiiro 's mother was alive and living in England , it would make her sad , if she passed away . Haruhi walked into the living room with a smile , making Hiiro 's jaw drop . Haruhi was wearing a white tshirt , with a pink halter neck top over it , denim capri pants , and sandals . She had two pink hair clips in her hair . To Hiiro , nothing made sense . Haruhi was a girl , yet she attended Ouran as a boy . She pondered over it for the rest of the weekend , trying to make sense of it , but she couldn 't . Monday , she decided not to mention it . Saturday , Haruhi had told Hiiro , that the entire host club knew , but Hiiro couldn 't get her head around the idea . Hiiro was distracted all the way through her rehearsal time , with Kyoya . Haruhi 's father Ranka had suggested a long flowy cream coloured dress , for her to wear during rehearsals , because that would compliment her complexion most . Naturally , Hikaru and Koaru had taken the opportunity to syle her hair , with a girly updo , with a golden headband . She did look very beautiful . The rehearsal went on every day , for nearly three weeks , using a script that Renge had claimed to have written , about a man and a woman , that was never allowed to speak to each other , because their parents was setting them up in a arranged marriage . It was love at first sight between the two , even though they hand never spoken . Secretly , Renge had gotten a famous script writer to writ it for her . Renge was sat in a director 's chair , while the other host club members were sitting in the audience , with all the girls that came to the host club as guests . The girls had heard about it accidentally , but they all wanted to show their support for Hiiro . Some of the girls that liked Kyoya , had noticed how happy he was around Hiiro , and secretly hoped that they would become a couple . They had gotten to the part , where Hiiro - as the leading lady Giselle , had taken a stroll in the gardens , unaware that Kyoya - as the leading man Christophe , was also walking through the gardens . Hiiro gasped at the sight of Kyoya , then tried to turn away , knowing that she was not supposed to see him with out supervision . Kyoya looked mildly surprised , as he was supposed to , because it was how Christophe was supposed to act . He had gotten quite into character . In that moment , when their eyes met , the seeds of love had been planted . They both realised , that it was possible , that the other felt the same . Time will tell , if they acted on it . In that one moment , they were not Giselle and Christophe , they was Hiiro and Kyoya . With the host club 's help , Hiiro was finally ready to begin rehearsals with The Zuka Club . Every day after school , a car would take her from Ouran Academy to St . Lobelia Academy , so she could rehearse with them . The rehearsals was going great , but every time Benio flirted with her , Hiiro couldn 't help thinking about Kyoya . There was a connection , in that moment , she just knew it . Hiiro sat near the window , looking up at the clear ble skies . Today , there wasn 't a single cloud in the sky . She had a lot on her mind lately , because her father was encouraging her to spend more time dancing , he had even hired a dance instructor to help her . It did cut into her time with Kyoya though , it was almost nonexistent . Hiiro smiled at her , because it confirmed why she felt so different around Kyoya . He was there for her when seh needed him , and helped her face her biggest fear . She was able to perform in front of an audience , even though it would be small compared to how it would be on opening night . ' Are you my sunshine , Kyoya ? ' she thought , the smile still spread across her lips . ' Am I also yours ? ' Chapter 12 : Realisation of Reciprocated LoveEdit After weeks if rehearsals , it was finally time for the main performance . Hiiro paced back stage , in her black dress , she was extremely nervous . Performing in front of friends and guests of the host club was one thing , but now she would be performing in front of the whole school and St . Lobelia Academy . What worried her most , was that someone had told her that there would be a kiss scene , even though Hiiro and Benio hadn 't rehearsed one . She thought it would be best not to think about it . Hiiro glanced over her shoulder at Benio , this pose was one that Benio had come to like most , but only when Hiiro did it , especially with her sweet maidenly coy smile . However , Benio knew that Hiiro 's heart belonged to anohter , and it would take more than innocent flirting to steal it away . Maybe the kiss scene , with the most romantic part of the performance , might tempt Hiiro to see Benio as more than just a friend . The curtains went up , on a scene that was of Benio singing about how beautiful and maidenly Lolabelle was , describing her as the most beautiful maiden in all the land . With other performers , including Chizuru and Hinako singing back up . When it was Hiiro 's cue to walk on stage , to begin her first dance with Marco ( Benio ) , she looked out to the audience nervously . Just that , was enough to give Hiiro the confidence , to continue on with the show . With Benio 's advice in mind , she put her heart into her performance , it helped that she pretended Benio was Kyoya . In the final scene , were Marco was dying in Lolabelle 's arms , as the couple declared their never ending loved for one another , there wasn 't a single dry eye in the audience . Even Kyoya shed a tear , but he covered it , by placing his hand on his cheek . Benio brushed her hand against Hiiro 's cheek , then side glanced to the audience , before continuing with her lines . " Oh , Lolabelle , even after my heart 's last beat , my love for you will go on , as eternal and beautiful as the shining sun . . . " Benio said . She took Hiiro 's hand , placed it on her chest . " All I wish from you , my love , is one kiss . . . " Benio continued . She looked right up into Hiiro 's eyes . She looked right up into Hiiro 's eyes . At that moment , Hiiro knew that she couldn 't kiss Benio . After all , Benio was right , love was like a delicate cherry blossom , along with a maiden 's first kiss . Hiiro couldn 't give that to Benio , because it would after all mean nothing . She leaned closer to Benio . The following day , Hiiro walked through the courtyard , happily . She was wearing the black shoes that she wore during the performance last night , because they reminded her of what she could accomplish , if she put her mind to it . Everyone was talking about the play , and how well Benio and Hiiro worked well together . Kyoya was sat on a bench , working on the host club 's budget , it was a nice day after all , so best to be outside . Hiiro did think , that he was saying the set of lines from Renge 's first script draft , but with the names changed . Maybe , in time , she will realise what he really meant . For now , their relationship could stay at friendship . Hiiro smiled at him , which he returned , then left the courtyard , to meet up with Reiko and Renge . She had to ask them something , to see if they thought Kyoya might feel the same for her . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
I remember the summer of 1960 . The movie the Alamo , starring John Wayne was playing in theatres , and the Brothers Four song " The Green Leaves of Summer " was playing on the radio , over and over again . I remember it so vividly because a friend of mine had recently moved away , and not long after , we found out that he had been killed , and the mood of the song seemed appropriate for the occasion . Several days later , his mother and father stopped at our house , and saw my brother and me , playing out in our garage with some friends , and invited us to Mark 's funeral . I had only known Mark for a year or so . He was in my class at Ramona School , and my brother was the same age as his brother Phillip . They lived in one of the nicer homes in our neighborhood , on the corner of Mapledale and Maryton . Being on a corner , it had a nice big front yard , but we never played outside . Mrs . Lee would always greet me at the door with a smile and invite me to go into Mark 's room , where we would spend hours and hours playing games together , or swapping baseball cards . I liked playing at Mark 's house . He wasn 't my best friend - that was Hank . Every day after school I would go over to Hank 's house , and we would play football or baseball out on his front lawn , but I began to feel unwelcome there when every day his mother would charge out and grab him by the collar like Tom Sawyer 's Aunt Polly , and drag him into the house . It seemed like Hank was always getting punished for one thing or another - not making his bed , or not cleaning up his room , or arguing with his sister Judy . And if Hank wasn 't getting it , then Judy was . His mother wasn 't particular . Mark 's mother wasn 't like that at all . I don 't think she ever got angry at Mark . Mrs . Lee baked cookies instead . One day they moved across town , to Seaforth Street . If I ever visited their new home , it was only once . Though it wasn 't that far , Mark started going to another school , and not long after that came the news that he had been killed . I learned the details about his death from the obituary in the newspaper . Mark was riding his bicycle on Rosecrans , near Elaine Street , and the wheel of the bike got stuck in a groove in the gutter and he got hit by a truck that was backing up , when he couldn 't maneuver out of the way . I didn 't attend Mark 's funeral , but I felt bad about his death , and grieved for a long time . And even many years later , whenever I would ride my bicycle on Rosecrans , I would never go near Elaine Street . If I wanted to go to Norwalk Square , the shopping center that was only one block from there , I always rode my bicycle in the back way to avoid Elaine Street . It became a symbol of death to me , and I was deathly afraid of it . Last year they began renovating one of the little nearby strip - malls , that had a taco stand that was a popular hang - out for the local high school kids , called Taco Joe 's . The day after they closed for business , I walked over to take some photographs of the old place , which I posted on the internet for friends to view . While I was standing there , I noticed an old couple sitting in a car , and took a picture of them . As I began to walk away , they pulled up and the old woman rolled down her window , and we talked for awhile . She was very old , with silver gray hair and she shook nervously a little when she spoke , and there was something very familiar about her . Like me , she said they had come to say good - bye to the old taco place . " We live up on Seaforth now , " she said , " but we used to come here a lot . " I started to ask her if she knew the Lee family , but something held me back . There is a time for raking leaves , and a time to just let them lie . 1 Comment » Walt Disney deserves to be a Saint . Disneyland was and always will be every child 's favorite place on earth . I went to Disneyland for the first time when I was 8 or 9 years old . Mom and Dad always preferred going to Knott 's Berry Farm as a family , because it was closer and cheaper , and they both loved Western movies , but one day they gave in to our yearly entreaties , and gave each of us , my brother and sister and myself , seven dollars to spend there . That was a lot of money for us in those days . Even though my brother and I always had a paper route , we rarely saw any of the money after we collected it . Mom would always use the cash we brought in for groceries , and daily expenses , and at the end of the month she would write a check to the Herald American and later the Press - Telegram . But money earned from collecting pop bottles was all ours , and she was glad to be rid of Dad 's empty quart - sized beer bottles , which brought 5 cents apiece at the Mayfair Market . Our trip had to have been after June of 1959 , because that is when the famous " E ticket " was first introduced , that got you on the best rides at the time , which were the Matterhorn Bobsleds , and the Submarine Voyage . At that time there were no all - day passes , but a minimal cost of admission into Disneyland , 95 cents seems to ring a bell , and each book of tickets cost 3 or 4 dollars . As it turned out , our seven dollars was enough for all the rides we wanted and a splendid dinner of tacos and tamales at the Frito - Lay Mexican food concession . We rode the Monorail , and the Bobsleds we rode twice that day , though the lines at that venue were the longest we encountered the whole afternoon , and I held my breath both times , releasing it only after our log splashed into the pool of water at the end of the ride . My favorite ride of all was the submarine ride . I could have spent all day underwater in an octopus ' garden . In fact , one of my favorite dreams even to this day is to buy a home on a tiny island somewhere in the Solomons , and sail around the South Sea isles in my own submarine ala Captain Nemo . It 's really not all that far - fetched . I 've seen some beautiful corporate submarines that sell for 150 - 200 thousand dollars , and there are plenty of wrecks to explore in that area from WWII , like the PT - 109 . The management at Disneyland goes to great lengths to heighten the illusion of a land of fantasy and wonder , and I was mesmerized the whole time I was there . They make certain , even today , that no buildings in the immediate vicinity of Disneyland can be seen from inside the park , and they are very demanding in their hiring policies and employee code of conduct . Still my most vivid memory of that day at Disneyland , that I will never be able to completely expunge , the only piece of lint in my otherwise stellar day , or the flotsam in my jetsam , is of a mislocated pile of human waste . Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn have always been two of my favorite stories . So it was natural that I would be excited about going over to Tom Sawyer 's Island . We crossed over the mighty Mississippi on some sort of a raft , as I recall , or perhaps there was a bridge . All I know is we didn 't get to ride over on the river - boat , that was quietly tied up at the pier . Once on the island , of course we had to visit Tom 's cave , and while we were exploring the blue concrete innards of the cave , we happened upon the aforementioned mess around the corner in one of the cul - de - sac branches . Well , of course after getting a whiff of that , we couldn 't get out of the cave quick enough . I 'm sure Disney had a clean - up crew there in no time , who made apologies all around , but it didn 't matter to me , by that time I was halfway to Tomorrowland . Yep , Walt Disney is an E - ticket in my book . We were close friends for two years , or maybe three . Every day we would meet an hour before class and sit together , doing our homework or just chatting . In class she would always correct my test papers , and when she gave them back all my " i " s would be dotted with little smiley faces . After school she would walk back to her dorm room , and I would strap on my helmet and get on my motorcycle , and drive the long drive back to Norwalk on the freeway . I still remember the first day I met Janie . It had to have been the first day of Freshman year , and I was sitting in the middle of an empty lecture hall waiting for my next class to begin , and she sat down in the chair next to me . " Aren 't you in my Russian class ? " she asked , or maybe it was me who asked her . No , it was her - she was the forward one . She had on a pair of denim jeans and a little cotton shirt , and sandals on her bare feet , and when she sat , she crossed her legs like a boy . I looked over at her during the lecture , and saw that she had kicked off her sandals and was sitting with her feet on the seat - back in front of her , like she owned the place . Janie worked evenings as a hostess at a Chinese Restaurant in Costa Mesa , called the Bamboo Terrace . It was a quiet little place , much nicer inside than out . She told me she worked there , and asked me to come , and the first time I saw her standing at the podium , greeting customers in her flouncy little dirndl dress costume , I thought to myself , how can such a pretty girl ever like me ? I began to go there much too much . I preferred to sit over at the little cocktail bar in the corner , chatting with the Filipino bartender , and when finally I would order a dish of Sweet and Sour Pork or my usual Green Pepper Steak and rice she would always bring it over and smile , and ask what we were laughing about , and it was not unlike the way I remembered it had been in Japan at the White Rose , in another time and place , with another girl . One day , she said she didn 't like me anymore , or something to that effect . She had asked me to come down to the restaurant , and her mother came in that night . I was drunk when I met her , and all I remember of the encounter is standing there in the foyer and feeling stupid . Her father was an alcoholic , and it was clear that I was becoming one , and if I had been sober I 'm sure I would have heard the words " over my dead body " uttered a few times . I was sitting alone one day outside the Humanities building , where Janie and I had sat together on many occasion , and I looked up and saw a tiny little ball floating on the sunlight . It was one of those puffy little balls that blossom on the end of a dandelion , and little kids like to blow on them . I watched it for a moment as it slowly made its way toward the Library , and just as it disappeared from sight , I saw Janie walking along the path , alone . When that plane crashed , it claimed the lives of Buddy Holly , Ritchie Valens , J . P . " Big Bopper " Richardson and the pilot , Roger Peterson . Three of Rock and Roll 's most promising performers were gone . As Don McLean wrote in his classic music parable , " American Pie " it was " the day the music died . " I must have known the songs though . I knew " La Bamba " by Richie Valens , though I couldn 't translate or sing the lyrics , and I 'm sure I had heard " Chantilly Lace , " because it was all too familiar many years later when I saw the movie American Graffitti - but I didn 't know it was by the Big Bopper . OK , I liked the song " Peggy Sue . " A friend of my older brother used to make fun of it , referring to her as " Peggy Sloo . " But I " totally " grew up during that whole period , and I swear I didn 't know who Buddy Holly was , at least not before Don McLean recorded " American Pie . " At one time , I knew the song American Pie by heart . I could sing all of the verses , occasionally slipping and putting Lennon and Marx before the Devil , or getting the book of love out of place . In fact , I 'll try it right now , and you can check to see how well I do : But I don 't think I 'm having a problem with my memory , when I say I don 't remember the day the music died . In fact I remember lots of things . The Cuban Missile Crisis I remember . John Glenn 's mission into space I remember . The Beatles I remember . I remember the young girls lining up to wave at Elvis , when he passed by in a train one time , and my sister crying because my parents wouldn 't let her go . And I would sing " Hound Dog " and shake like I had seen Elvis do on the Ed Sullivan Show to taunt her . In my defense , I was only 5 or 6 years old at the time . And I will never forget the Kennedy Assassination . Leave a Comment » The Kennedy Assassination is probably the most memorable event of my life , and the circumstances surrounding it will be studied long after we are dead and gone and will likely be one of the first events that our future time - travelers will visit . President John F . Kennedy was ambushed by a gunman or gunmen on November 22 , 1963 at 12 : 30 PM Dallas , Texas time . I remember that day - I was in the 7th Grade at Ramona School in Norwalk , California and that morning we were all outside at recess . One of our teachers , Mr . Boersma walked out to the old basketball court , where we were playing , and told us that the President had been shot , and that we should all go right home . Then , visibly shaken , he turned and walked away , evidently to get back to the office to watch more of the news . The week that followed was the darkest , most dreary week of my life . I mourned along with everyone else , but after a day or so I grieved not so much for our departed President any longer , as the fact that all of my friends were being held hostage in - doors , and all of my favorite television programs were cancelled by the round - the - clock coverage of the funeral and the national mourning . Actually , there was one brief respite , when one of the stations ran a movie titled " The Miracle of Our Lady of Fatima , " very late one night , about the three children in Portugal who claimed to have seen the Virgin Mary . I remember clicking through all of the broadcast channels over and over only to find the same image emblazoned on all of them . I can still see the caisson with the flag - draped coffin of our departed leader rattling down Pennsylvania Avenue , and Jacqueline Kennedy , standing beside the coffin , tears streaming down her face , so lovely and so bereaved in black . What particularly impressed me though , was the somber cadence of the military color - guard , marching alongside with measured steps , reverent , and respectful of their precious charge . Many years later I became friends with one of the men who had been in that color - guard , when I was driving a taxi in Anaheim . His name was John M - - , and he had retired from the Army after many years , and hired on as a driver . Unlike most of the other drivers , he didn 't have a car . Each morning a call would go out to pick him up outside of his home , a condomium complex situated back of Disneyland . At night when his shift was over , he would catch a ride home with one of the night drivers , just leaving the yard . I would see John occasionally in the taxi stand by the Hilton or the Marriott hotel , waiting for a ride to one of the airports . Often when I came out , he would already be waiting in line , talking with my drinking buddy , Vinnie , a jovial , but rough and tumble , bull of a man , a few years younger than me . Gradually , I learned that John had a German wife , and two boys and a daughter , and some St . Bernard dogs that he loved as much as his family . He had spent most of his time in the service in Germany , and was a Sergeant when he retired . I also learned that he was John M - - III , and that his father John M - - Jr . had been a career soldier and had fought in WWII . Before long , Vinnie and John became close friends , and Vinnie began picking John up in the morning and driving him in each day to save him the cab - fare . It was at this point that I entered the potential box , and I knew it was just a matter of time before the keyframe came into view . Sure enough one day Vinnie was gone , having finally been tracked down by his estranged wife , and that evening John asked me if I would give him a ride home . It wasn 't out of my way , so I said , " Sure . " I drove him home for several days , and finally one day he invited me to come up to his place for a beer . His wife had died , and he was all alone now . It was then that I learned that he had been in the color - guard in Washington D . C . when Kennedy died , and that he was one of the soldiers in the funeral procession . I don 't remember if I mentioned in conversation with him , that my dad had known Kennedy when he was in the Navy , but I told him that I had loved President Kennedy , and said how exciting it must have been to be present at such an important event in history . He looked at me strange , for a moment , and told me on the contrary that most of the soldiers in the guard had hated him and would rathered have been anywhere else . Several more years went by and I began to research my father 's military service on the internet . One day while searching through the rosters of the men in the 508th Parachute Infantry Regiment , I happened upon the name of John M - - Jr . I tried to get in touch with John to ask him about it , but by then he had moved elsewhere . 1 Comment » The first car I ever drove was my brother 's 66 Chevrolet Impala . It had a 3 - Speed Stick shift on the column , and my dad took me out in it one day to teach me how to drive . He was a lousy driving instructor . He didn 't trust me on regular streets , so he told me to drive down Firestone Blvd along the freeway to the La Mirada Drive - in , and kept screaming at me all the way . Then he had me pull into the drive - in parking lot , and made me practice parallel parking over and over again , until finally I backed into some hedges . Then he got pissed , and told me to drive home . I also had my first accident in that car . He was going to let me take it to school one day , if first I dropped him off at work . He had taken a part - time Security job at the Metropolitan State Hospital . I had spent all weekend washing the car , inside and out - my dad had started using it for work , and his job on the railroad left him often literally covered in grease . Just as I was making a left turn into the Hospital off Bloomfield , a man in a ' 49 Chevy tried to pass me , and T - boned into the driver side of the car - caving in the door and taking me completely by surprise . He tried to tell me and my dad that I had neglected to signal for a left turn , but the blinker was still going while he was talking . Just before graduation from high school , dad took me down to Green Motors and bought me a ' 69 VW . It was raining that day , and we couldn 't really afford it , but he had just sold our house to get money for court . He had gotten arrested for drunk driving , and thought the judge was going to " sock it to him . " My sister and her husband lived in the house next door , and they wanted to move anyway , so it all worked out . We sold our house and moved into theirs , and they got the money for a down - payment on a new home in Huntington Beach . Except my mom hated this house - she much preferred the old one . And then it turned out dad only had to pay $ 500 , so he bought me the car . This was my favorite car . It was Peru Green and had white leatherette interior and cocoa mats , and I installed a Craig Pioneer Cassette player into the glove - compartment , so it couldn 't be seen from the outside and stolen . My favorite tapes were " Blood Sweat and Tears " and " 3 Dog - Night " and " Bridge over Troubled Waters - by Simon and Garfunkel . " I used to play them all the time , when Jim Stewart or Dave and and I would cruise up to Whittier Blvd and eat at the Drive - in at Bob 's Big Boy Restaurant . I had that car until I went in the Navy , and then my older sister bought it from me or something . I don 't really remember . I don 't think they ever liked it as much as I did , and eventually traded it in on a BMW . When I got out of the Navy , I bought a 4 cylinder Honda 550 with the Savings Bonds that I had sent home for four years . I drove it out to UC Irvine every morning , while I was attending school there , when the weather was nice . I didn 't mind a little rain , but if it was too wet , I would take the VW that my brother had swapped for my dad 's VW fastback after he died . Thankfully I wore a helmet . One morning , during my fourth year in college , I was cruising in the fast lane of the Santa Ana Freeway , and just coming into Anaheim when the traffic began to slow down in front of me . It was very overcast , and the freeway was still wet . That Honda had a big , beautiful disk brake in the front , and I had allowed plenty of room between me and the pick - up in front of me , so I was casually pressing on the rear brakes while feathering the front brake , but I hit a patch of oil on the wet freeway , and ran smack dab into the back of the pickup truck . I 'm not sure how fast I was going when I hit , but I flew off the bike and right over the back of the truck at an angle and then skidded on the freeway on my helmet for about 20 feet . When I finally came off the helmet , I somehow landed on my right knee . I just lay there for a moment , and somebody helped me stand up . I couldn 't keep my feet though , because the freeway was so slick . After a while , we picked the bike up and put it into the back of the pick - up truck , and the driver of the truck drove me to the nearest gas station . The front wheel was all bent up , and my helmet was cracked , and my knee hurt , but that was it . I never drove that motorcycle again . I sold it to my brother - in - law , and he fixed it up and drove it for several years . I have driven other motorcycles since then though . I still think they are cool . One of the reasons I sold the motorcycle was to get an apartment . I wanted to be closer to UCI , so I rented a small studio apartment at Oakwood Gardens in Newport Beach . I tried taking the OCTD bus to school every day , but that got old very quick . So I bought an old ' 69 Opel Kadett Station Wagon for $ 800 . 00 to get to and from . It was the ugliest car ever , but it ran like a clock . My Granada was a beautiful car , nicer than the one in the photo above , and I kept it washed and waxed all the time . It had a small V - 8 , with an automatic transmission , air - conditioning , and power - brakes and windows - the whole nine yards . I was tired of driving cars with manual transmissions by this time . I can 't remember why I ever got rid of that car . It was after I left the bank . I traded it in on a Chevy S - 10 pickup , and the dealer only gave me $ 800 . 00 for it . I was delivering auto parts at the time , and trying to save enough money to go back to college and get my teaching credential . Finally I had enough money saved , and got accepted at Cal State Fullerton , and even quit my job , but on the first day of school the counselor in the Teaching Department told me that I had not been accepted into the Teacher training program , and I needed some experience working with children . So I took the money I had saved for school , and signed up for an NRI correspondence course in Microcomputer Technology . I passed the course with flying colors , and this time I enjoyed learning electronics . It was a hands - on course , where you actually build things , like oscillator circuits and amplifiers , and assembled and tested a complete computer , which I then used to learn Assembly language and several other programming languages . I already knew how to program in Basic , from dinking around with my Commodore 64 , and I spent so much time at the computer store , that the guy finally hired me to his service department . Well , that was the last car I owned . After I quit working to take care of my 80 year old mother , I wasn 't driving very much , and the car just sat in the drive - way . Occasionally somebody would ask if it was for sale , but I didn 't really want to sell it . It still ran beautifully , but the plastic had begun to fade and crack inside and the paint was weathering badly , and the battery went dead . Finally , my nephew said he wanted it , and I told him he could have it . I told him the battery was dead , so one afternoon he stopped by with a new battery , and it started right up . Leave a Comment » I left the Navy in August of 1974 , and was fortunate to get a nearly three month " early out " to start school at the University of California in the fall . I had submitted all of my enrollment papers and been accepted months earlier , but the whole concept of transitioning so quickly from sailor to student left me with an empty feeling in my stomach . I wasn 't so much anxious about succeeding , because I had already attended school there for one quarter back in the fall of 1969 , and knew that I could get good grades if I worked hard enough . I had already had my " Welcome to college - you aren 't in high school anymore , kid " note , with accompanying grade of F , on my history paper , and knew what the professors expected of undergraduates . Nor was I anxious about money ; the U . S . Treasury would be paying me a comfortable sum each month per the G . I . Bill . It was me that I was worried about . It was because I had changed . I was no longer the innocent , optimistic youth , wide - eyed and bushy - tailed , breezing through life . I had been in a war , and my soul was tarnished . I had killed for my country , and no matter how I tried to rationalize it , I had helped forge the deaths of other people . I had real questions without answers , and doubts about myself , that I didn 't think Physics and Mathematics could help me with . I had always wanted to learn to read and speak Russian . In fact , when I entered the Navy that was what I was supposed to train for , but the Navy convinced me that I had a higher aptitude for Electronics , and threatened to keep me in " boot - camp " for several more months if I wanted to get into a Language school . I knew next to nothing about electronics , and wasn 't interested in it at all . But I went to the Class " A " school at Mare Island , near San Francisco , and was able to learn the basics before entering the fleet . So naturally I signed up for a Russian class at UCI . That 's when I met Professor Helen Weil . Helen was somewhat of a floosy , I guess . She was slender , in her forties , with reddish hair that had been dyed blond , and she and I hit it off immediately . She had been born in the Soviet Ukraine , Helen Harmash in 1933 and after the war had emigrated to the United States , where she was able to continue her education . I don 't know how she acquired the last name Weil , but she had two grown boys and never mentioned a first husband . She had only been teaching Russian at UCI for a year when I first met her , but she was already a driving force within the department . Her unique style included serenading the entire class with a battery of Russian folk tunes , which she would sing and beat out on her guitar . Like most women on campus , Helen was caught up in the women 's movement of the 70 's , and I think she saw me as a challenge . I was older than her other students by four years , and one day when I held the door for her as she was leaving class she gave me a funny look . The very next day I collided with her at the Registrar 's Office . She was just coming out of the building , and seeing me struggling with a stack of books as I came up the steps , she waited and held the door for me . " Well , the shoe 's on the other foot , now isn 't it ? " she said . " Thank you , " I replied , " you 're a life - saver " and I think it must have pissed her off a little bit to find out that not all men felt threatened by strong , independent women . To be honest , those were the only kind of women I had ever really known or cared about . Over the next four years we became great friends , and I found myself signing up for every class that Helen taught . I continued to study Math and Physics , but in the third year I signed up for a required course called Mathematical Methods of Physics and found myself playing a mad game of catch - up to learn several subjects that I had somehow missed or overlooked - Linear Algebra , and Vector Analysis . At the same time , I found that these were much needed in my other Physics course , Classical Mechanics , and I began struggling there too . It is customary for those who find themselves inside a burning aircraft , to seriously consider the possiblility of bailing out , and that 's what I did . I began to examine procedures for bailing out of school . I was closest to having a Bachelor 's Degree in Russian Studies , so I dropped everything else and began to work on completing the few requirements that I needed for my degree . Russian itself , had been an easy " A " for me , so the following year I signed up for Fourth Year Russian , and several other Upper Division courses in Russian Civilization and Russian Literature . Meanwhile , I visited the Student Health Services and they prescribed me some mild tranquilizers to get me through the Russian Literature part . I made it through year four with minimal damage . My grade point average was a respectable 3 . 67 , despite my having had to drop several courses . Additionally , I had been accepted to Graduate School at UC Davis , up north and shortly thereafter was hired by a certain agency in Washington D . C . When I told Helen that I had decided to take the job , she was very upset . It was then that she told me she had hoped I would stay on at UCI - unbeknownst to me she had already arranged to take me into her Graduate Program in Administration , and even gotten a job for me teaching Russian part - time for one of the schools in the Huntington Beach School District . Of course the job in Washington didn 't work out . My anxiety attacks were getting worse , but I still wanted the degree in Physics and felt that I could do it , so I enrolled for another year at UCI . I dropped everything else and began to devote myself to Mechanics and Mathematical Physics , which was where I had left off . I studied , and studied and thought I had finally caught up by the mid - term exam . When I got my test back with a " B , " I was elated . Several days later I was sitting outside , waiting for one of my classes and I knew I didn 't feel right . I got up , and somehow managed to walk over to the Student Health Center on the other side of the campus . When I got there I started to explain to the nurse how I was feeling , and the next thing I knew I was laying on a bed and she was shooting me in the arm with a hypodermic needle . I asked her what it was , and she replied , " Librium . " I lay there for what must have been hours , and my whole life swirled around me like a tornado . |
Most folks passing through Pyrite stop and fill up at my gas station , which happens to be a Texaco , because it 's the only one here , and a long way to the next one in Kingman . I scrape the bugs off their windshield , they use the washroom , then have a soda to wash the dust down , complainin ' about the heat , always wantin ' to know how people wind up in a hellhole like this . My wife Mabel wonders the same thing . She don 't like it here much , but I tell her what I tell them . A man 's got to make a livin ' . After the money boys ran the stock market into the ground a few years back and threw the U . S . into a depression , I was let go from the Ford dealer in Flagstaff and we didn 't have no choice but to move on before winter set in , while I still had a few dollars left in my pocket . With all them Okies headin ' out Route 66 to California thinkin ' they 'd make a livin ' pickin ' fruit , I figured a gas station would be a good bet , ' cept I didn 't have enough to buy one . So I stopped at damn near ever ' one from Prescott to here , asking if they needed a good mechanic . The old man that run this one back then took me on because his eyes was failin ' . About two years ago he finally gave up and went to live with his daughter in El Centro and I worked it out with the bank to take over . But then the Okies quit comin ' , and the two other stations folded up . I hung on because people were nursin ' their cars instead of buyin ' new and I do good work at a fair price . Been doin ' all right but we ain 't gettin ' rich , sure as hell not rich enough to move where Mabel would like , say L . A . , maybe , where her sisters live . At least the boys don 't complain , but they 're young enough that it don 't matter to them as long as they got dirt to play in . There 's plenty o ' that here . Nuthin ' changed much the first few years we was here . Then about a year and a half ago the new school teacher , a fella name of John Seekin , showed up with his Negro wife and two kids , both nearly growed . He was a good - sized fella , butYou could tell that the folks that called themselves the city council wasn 't none too pleased about that end of the deal when they saw what they 'd got , but they like to never got someone to take the teachin ' job , and they couldn 't say much if they wanted a teacher . Seems no one else was desperate enough for money . So they pretty much kept their mouths shut around him and let the man do his job . He seemed pretty damned good at it from what I could tell . My boys like him all right and seem to be learning more than I ever did in school . I personally never had anything against the Negroes , and neither did my daddy . He 'd hired more than one colored cowboy for cattle drives back before the Great War when he thought he was gonna make a fortune on beef for the troops . He lost his shirt when the war ended , but he always said those colored boys earned their pay and didn 't complain about the chow . I wasn 't but about 11 or 12 then , and I can tell you they taught me a thing or two about cowboyin ' . Not that it done me much good after the old man 's ranch folded up and he took to truck farmin ' . Pyrite ain 't much to look at , just a wide spot in a long road . It sits near the center of a shallow valley about fifty miles wide . The sawtooth mountains around it are damn near bare except for mesquite , ocotillo and greasewood , with about a dozen varieties of cactus thrown in . Ain 't nothin ' worth money will grow here because there 's barely enough water to drink , let alone water crops . The wind blows near constant , and ever once in a while it kicks up a sandstorm that 'll seize up an engine in a minute if you don 't have the sense to turn it off and wait it out . Even on a good day , dust blows in through every crack in every wall and your teeth feel gritty if you ain 't had a drink in less ' n thirty seconds or so . I reckon for the Okies it didn 't seem much different than where they come from , so if they didn 't have the money for gas to move on , they just squatted . Same for the coloreds . Some homesteaded and built shacks on their land with scrap lumber and corrugated sheet metal for a roof . Even if they found work at the bauxite mine up the east side of the valley or one of the businesses along 66 , most of the Okies and coloreds moved on after a year or two , leavin ' their shacks to fall apart . I guess they figure there has to be somethin ' better down that road . Me , I 'm stayin ' put until I can see better times ahead . The best houses in town are cinderblock or plastered , built mostly by whites that 'd come here to open a diner or a bar or a general store . Some of the fanciest have a swamp cooler on the roof that keeps the heat down to a tolerable level . We finally got one of those . Anyway , no one would rent a decent place to the Seekin family , and they finally found a broke - down little tarpaper house not too far off the highway , over where most of the coloreds had settled , and began fixin ' it up . Did a nice job on it , too , and before too long had the tarpaper covered with shingles painted white , cleared a driveway , and lined it with white rocks so 's you could see your way in after dark . Nina , the wife , put in a little garden she watered faithfully until they had fresh vegetables and flowers . I had to admire her for that . I ' member one mornin ' a few months after they first got to town , I was fixin ' a flat for old man Crocker . I could smell bacon and eggs cookin ' at the Roadrunner Café . John Seekin come in to gas up his car , a Model A sedan with New York plates , and asked for ten gallons of gas . He was always polite , askin ' how I was doin ' , but his heart wasn 't in it . Like I said , everyone in town got their gas at my place , and when they did , chewed the fat a while , so I knew he wasn 't makin ' any friends . I thought makin ' him feel a bit more welcome was the right thing to do , maybe cheer him up a little . " You got your little place fixed up nice , " I said while I was pumping the gas . I hung up the gas hose and started cleaning his windshield . " I reckon not . All the same though , I use Quaker State and I do good work . Used t ' be a mechanic at the Ford dealer up in Flagstaff , but I work on anything that burns gas . Name 's Henry Sands . Call me Hank . " I stuck my hand through the window to shake , and that seemed to warm him up some . Then I finished up the windshiled . Hank seems like a nice enough fellow . Wiry , with a sun - blasted complexion , he looks as indigenous to the desert as a cholla cactus . I 'd probably been a little cool to him in the past , but you get thick - skinned after you put up with so much prejudice , and you 're afraid people are only being nice in hopes you 'll buy something or give them some fodder for their damnable gossip . Sometimes I forget there are people who judge others only by their character . I 've got other things to worry about than making friends anyway . This job teaching at a two - room schoolhouse was the bottom of the barrel and barely pays enough for us to survive , but I 'd burned my bridges the moment I married a woman of color . The school board gave lip service to equal rights , but when it came down to who had to go when revenue dried up , I was the one who had crossed an invisible line and embarrassed them in front of the taxpayers . After they failed to renew my contract , I sent resumes to every school district in the country , but no one had enough money to even keep the teachers they had . I only found this job by going through the help wanted ads of every major newspaper in the U . S . So goodbye New York City , hello hell . I should have had sense enough not to marry Nina in in the first place , at least not right away . If there 'd been just us , love would have been enough . But Isabel and Marshall had lifelong friends in New York City , and something of a future . Marshall had just graduated and Isabel had two years to go when we got married . We could have waited and let her finish high school and given Marshall time to find a job before we got married , or with luck , find a gallery to represent him . Isabel wanted to teach grade school , and the two of them might have been able to stay and help each other out . But we had to live our lives our own way , and by doing so took away all of the options they might have had . I feel rotten about that . Marshall has genuine talent as a painter . His paintings of the streets of New York are full of the life of the city , but there 's a dark corner in every painting that exposes a facet of its culture the city fathers would sooner forget . Here in Pyrite he 's yet to find his muse . He 's built like a linebacker , but has the sensibilities of a real artist and perception far beyond his years . Now here he is languishing in this Godforsaken desert , hundreds of miles from anyone to appreciate and perhaps cultivate his talent . No wonder he is bitter and holds Nina and Isabel is neither as complex nor as haunted as her brother . Her sunny optimism seems unstoppable ; she takes every day as a new world , full of possibilities . She seems to dance through life , finding good in everything and trying to tease Marshall out of his thickening shell . After their father died in a construction accident , Nina tells me , they quickly very close . He became her rock , and she his confidante . He would die for her . Poor Nina hates this brutal heat , but the dust is worse . She loves a house that 's spic and span , but she dusts one day and the next day there 's a fine powder over everything , winter or summer . There 's no relief from it . Maybe worse is that we only see a movie once in a while on a school break when we can afford to take the kids and go to Kingman for an evening away , if you can call it that . There 's good Mexican food , but if you want fresh bagels or pasta , all you can do is dream about it . Thank goodness Nina is a good cook . And music ? Forget it , unless you like the bluegrass band at the Lion 's Club on Saturday nights . Marshall worries me so . Most mothers are devoted to their daughters , and I am , but it 's Marshall I fear for . Things bounce off Isabel that eat away at Marshall , and I don 't seem to be able to help . If he didn 't have her always there to cheer him up , I don 't know what he 'd do . I suppose he 'd pack his things and go back to New York City , even if he had to " ride the blinds , " like the hoboes . He sees himself as her protector since Roy died , not realizing she 'd do fine almost any place . She just has that knack of getting you to smile . And Lord knows we need reasons to smile these days . Marshall worshipped his father , always looking to please him . Roy was a good man , but he didn 't understand his own son . He looked like the son Roy wanted , all big and burly like him , but Marshall lived in his head . He couldn 't help it . He played sports so his father could come out and cheer for him , but his heart wasn 't really in it . Always he was anxious to get a face down on paper or capture the light under the shadow of an awning . And Roy just didn 't know how to connect with that part of his son . A couple of years after Roy died , I fell in love with John , so sweet and respectful and handsome , and I started seeing through rose - colored glasses . I thought John , being an educated man , a man who understood about art and such like , might be able to draw him out some , but Marshall wasn 't having any of it . He was already too bitter over the loss of his father , and the fact that John was white didn 't help . We thought the world was changing and that it would accept us , or at least leave us alone . After all , John taught at the same school for colored children where my kids went , and we knew many of the childen and their parents , so we didn 't expect them to be against our marriage . Of course , the parents weren 't the problem at all . It was the school board that thought we were setting a bad example . When you 're in love , you think everyone else sees the world as a wonderful place like you do , but they 're just carrying on in their same old way , probably bitter that they don 't have what you have . The reasons don 't matter . What we did wasn 't right for the children , but now we can 't take it back , and here we all are , thousands of miles from a place where we belong . To make matters worse , the heat and the dust take a toll on my energy all summer long , and the winters are almost as bad , what with the wind howling and pushing dust through every crack and your lips and skin all dried out . I miss my family back home . The children do too . All this space around us makes me feel so alone , so isolated . I feel like giving up sometimes . I 've made such a mess of things . I wish John had my faith in God and the peace to be found in Jesus . He says the Lord helps those who help themselves , and he 's right about that , so we go on trying to make the best of this situation we got ourselves into . Bless his heart , John works like a slave trying to dig us out , but I think sometimes it 's better to just accept what you can 't change and take strength in the Lord . I guess I could say the same about Marshall . Isabel thinks I 'm bitter and angry at Momma and John for thinking only of themselves when they just had to get married . Well , she 's right . Momma had no business marrying John , and I told her so . " Marshall , " she said , " I love John dearly . How 's racism ever going to end if people aren 't willing to do what they know in their heart is right , even if others don 't like it ? " She looked at me like she was pitying me . " Honey , you know Isabel thinks the world of John . It 's you who doesn 't like John . " " Honey , " she said , " My sister just wants me to be happy . As for Leo , he 's showing his own racism . It 's not fair of him to lump John in with every white man who ever came looking for a colored woman for the wrong reasons . John is a good man , and my family , including Leo , will one day accept him for that . " " Maybe you don 't . Isabel doesn 't either , really . He 's not to replace your father . I need him , and I love him . Besides that , your daddy didn 't leave us much , and it 's not easy making ends meet . You and Isabel will be gone soon , and I don 't intend to spend the rest of my life a lonely old lady knitting baby clothes to make some kind of living . You can tolerate the situation for a few years . Would you do that for me ? " And that was pretty much her last word on the subject . So I 'm trying , but he 's still a stranger to me . It wouldn 't have been so bad if we 'd been able to stay in New York City , where we had lots of friends and a big family , and a neighborhood where people would smile and wave when they saw us because they 'd known us for years . Even if they 'd never gotten used to John , they 'd still have treated us well . But they had to show the world that they could marry like anyone else . People around Pyrite are barely civil to us . They act like they 're doin ' me a favor by paying me in nickels and dimes for lugging rocks to build a fireplace or putting up a fence to keep their goats in or building a chicken coop or whatever other menial job they don 't want to do with the sun cooking you like a slice of beef . If there was better work around I wouldn 't get it . And the way these crackers look at Isabel and make some crude comment under their breath makes me want to bust their heads wide open . One day I will if they 're not careful . What I hate most about living out here is that people seem to be walking around dead , just waiting to be buried . If you have a brain , there 's nothing to stimulate it . No museums , no libraries , no one thinks beyond the daily grind . I doubt anyone within two hundred miles could even tell you what country Paris is in . I wish I could go there , like Palmer Hayden did , where everything exciting in literature and art is happening . Maybe when Isabel turns eighteen I 'll find a way to get us there , or at least back to Harlem . Life is all around you there , people coming and going , doing their jobs , having loud discussions in restaurants , playing chess in the parks . The city is alive twenty - four hours a day . It invites you to join in and be a part of it , and for me , to capture moments in its life forever . There were art galleries there , even a couple that encouraged me to keep bringing them new work . One even compared me to Aaron Douglas . In the meantime , I 'm trying to adjust my thinking and find subjects among the people of color who are our neighbors , but they treat me like one of the white men who have oppressed them all their lives . They don 't trust me . I 've found one young white girl , Helen , who will sit for me , but she is childish and can 't make conversation about anything but movies . At least she has good features and loves the attention . The one thing I don 't hate about this place is the landscape , with its saturated colors - deep purple , blue , red , magenta - early and late in the day , the crystal - clear air , and the ever - changing skies . I 've painted Helen and Isabel and my mother into different parts of the landscape , even the manmade parts , but it 's not working . My draftsmanship is still good , but my work has lost the sense of life people saw in my city paintings . I have nothing to say about life in this place , because it isn 't my place , and there 's so little life . Another year here will bury whatever career I might have had . I must get out . Marshall tries too hard to protect me , like I was still 10 years old and might take candy from a stranger if he wasn 't lookin ' over my shoulder . All the other girls , when I was back in the city , their brothers didn 't want nothin ' to do with them , but Marshall was always there , watching over me , asking questions about my friends , telling the boys to watch out . He seems to butt into my business more as we get older , and I feel like I 'm being smothered . He doesn 't seem to realize that I 'm almost grown and he needs to give me some room . I 've always been a good girl , and no one ever had any cause to worry about me . Sometimes I think he loves me too much . It doesn 't seem natural somehow . I know if it hadn 't been for me , he would have stayed in the city , where he belongs . I wish he had , because there 's nothin ' out here for him . For me either . And John , he doesn 't make enough money to take care of us like he wants to . Like we all want . He 's a decent man , and he loves my mother , and he treats us good . It 's a shame Marshall has to work like a slave for a few dollars to help out . I don 't resent John for it like Marshall does . Momma worries about us all so much , and I feel so bad for her . I know if I found a way to leave here , it would be so much easier on her and John , because Marshall would go on back to New York if he didn 't have me to watch over , and then there 'd be just the two of them to live on his salary . I 'm smart enough , but I could never make real good grades like Marshall . Even if I did , it wouldn 't help any . There 's no jobs for whites , much less a colored girl . I don 't see what else I can do but try to get somewhere where I can find a good man and make my own life . Maybe go to Los Angeles and wait tables . They 're using more coloreds in the movies all the time , and folks tell me I 'm pretty , so why not see can I get a part , even if it 's small ? Everyone starts somewhere . I 'm saving what little I make cooking and washing dishes at the Roadrunner Café , and keeping That time can 't come too soon . I think Marshall using Helen to model for him , even if it 's as innocent as he says it is , is playing with fire . I know that look she has , like Marshall is some kind of god sent to save her from the kind of life her momma has . I can tell her head is full of dreams about their future together , and who knows what she tells people . He thinks I 'm exaggerating . He says he isn 't doing anything wrong , she 's over eigfhteen , and if folks don 't like it they can go to hell . His stubborness will get him in trouble . Best for him to just be somewhere else , and I 'm the one holding him here . I wish Marshall would listen to me when I tell him this isn 't New York City , but he pays no attention to whatever I say . There 's a lot of grumbling about him seeing that white girl , Helen somebody , who works over at the general store on weekends . A white man with a black woman is one thing , but a black man with a white woman is another thing entirely . He 's lucky her mother 's a widow , from what I hear about the father . Nina doesn 't get out much and I don 't think she knows about it . I 'm not going to tell her because it would be just one more thing for her to worry about . With any luck , they 'll tire of each other soon and the whole thing will be forgotten before there 's any trouble . But if I know Marshall , he 's seeing her just to stir things up . I was ironing John 's shirts in the living room and Marshall was in his room getting frustrated , trying to coax a drawing out of a big piece of paper , when I saw the sheriff 's car pull into our driveway . That scared the daylights out of me . I put down the iron and went to the door , watching the car pull up . It stopped about thirty feet away and a big man with a red face got out , putting on a felt cowboy hat . He walked like he thought he was important , with his night stick bumping his leg every step . When he got close enough to hear , I said , " Is it Isabel ? Is she all right ? " He put down his pencils . " Dumb redneck , anyway . " I followed him to the door . He stepped into the opening and said , " You want to talk to me ? " " I don 't think you 'd want me to say it in front of her . Now step out here like I asked you to , and we 'll get along . " He had his hand on a big revolver . I could see Marshall 's temper rising . " Swallow your pride , son , " I said in as low a voice as I could , " and be polite . He has a gun and a badge . Now go easy . " He gave me an irritated look , but he went . The deputy , if that 's what he was , turned and walked over behind his car . Marshall looked over his shoulder at me and then followed him . The deputy put his boot up on the back bumper and started talking in a low voice . I couldn 't make out what he said . I could see Marshall trying to interrupt a couple of times , and getting cut off . The third time Marshall interrupted , the deputy stuck his finger into Marshall 's chest , and was raising his voice , saying " Look here , boy , " when Marshall said loud enough for me to hear , " Don 't put your hands on me . " The deputy 's foot dropped off the bumper and raised a little cloud of dust on the ground . " I 'll do what I goddamn please boy ! " He wrapped his hand around his nightstick . " You 've got no right to tell me … " Marshall was saying . Right about that time they both heard John 's car crunching on the gravel as he turned off the road into our driveway , and looked in that direction . To my relief , the deputy relaxed little as he watched John drive up and park alongside his car . John got out and walked around the front of his car toward them . " Is there some kind of trouble ? " he asked them . " Not yet , " the deputy said , " but there will be if I can 't talk some sense into this boy . " They all dropped their voices again after John got up close to them . There was some finger - pointing by the deputy , and John raising his hands in a conciliatory manner , while Marshall squirmed around and made it known he wasn 't happy with the discussion . But finally the deputy seemed satisfied . He and John shook hands , then the deputy gave Marshall a stern look , got in his car and backed out . Marshall picked up a rock and threw it across the road behind the deputy 's car . I hoped the deputy didn 't see it . John walked into the house while Marshall walked off into the desert . " It 's all settled , Nina . Let 's not blow it out of proportion . Boys will be boys , that 's all . No need to go into it . " It was hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk , if we had a sidewalk . I was in the mechanic bay , where it was a little cooler , smoking a Camel and drinkin ' a Nehi orange laced with a little vodka , when I seen the grass - green De Soto 6 convertible with yellow spoked wheels , a ' 33 I believe , blowing steam as it come out of the east into town . He must have spied the Texaco sign at the last second , because he made a sudden left and pulled right up to the door of the mechanic bay and shut it off . The top was down , so I could see right off that he was what some folks call a High Yella , with a big salesman 's grin and dressed in a light blue shirt with white pants . He waved at me and got out . He wasn 't real tall , but built like a boxer , and he come right up to where I was standin ' . " My name 's Edison , " he says , and sticks out his hand . I had to switch my drink to my other hand to shake his . I noticed he didn 't have that deep - south accent most coloreds do . His hair was marcelled and his alligator shoes looked new . I 'd put him at about twenty - four years old . He was a decent - looking young fella . " Dunno . Depends on why . It didn 't sound too bad when you drove up , and it didn 't diesel when you shut it off , so I imagine the engine 's still okay . How long it been steamin ' ? " " Five or ten miles maybe . Lucky I wasn 't farther out . " " Let 's take a look . Mebbe you just threw a fan belt . " " We 'll get her figgered out . " I finished my Nehi and put the bottle in the rack , walked over to the car , and pulled up one side of the hood , which was hinged down the middle . There was still steam hissing out from under the radiator cap . Edison followed and looked over my shoulder . " Should I add some water ? " " I wouldn 't touch that radiator cap for a while ' less you want it blowin ' boilin ' water from here to Sunday . This thing 's hotter than a two - dollar pistol . Why don 't you open the other side and give her some air ? " He did that while I looked around . The fan belt was good , the radiator hoses looked good top and bottom , and so did the radiator core . I couldn 't see any water dripping from under the engine block , so I was pretty sure none of the soft plugs had rusted or blown out . The oil was clean and no water in it . That left the water pump as the culprit . " Unless I miss my guess by a long shot , I 'd say your water pump froze up . I ain 't got one , and the nearest place that might is a good fifty miles west . I can call ' em , but even if they have it , it 's too late to get it today and they 'll have to drive it out from Kingman . That 's gonna cost you a few bucks . Have you got enough ? " " As long as it isn 't worse than that , I guess . " I suggested he walk over to the Roadrunner Café and get a bite to eat to kill some time . He did . I called and found out the pump would have to come out of Los Angeles and would take two days by train to get to Kingman . The train don 't stop here . I told Benny , the parts man in Kingman , that before I ordered it , I 'd have to make sure the pump was the problem . After the car cooled down some , I threw an old blanket over the radiator and slowly unscrewed the cap to let off the pressure gradually . Then I took off the blanket , filled the radiator back up , and started the engine . I took a long stick I keep around for this sort of thing , and put one end against the pump and the other against my ear , bein ' careful to keep the stick away from the fan . Sure enough , I could hearing the bearing growling in the pump and knew I 'd been right . About that time here came Edison from the Roadrunner , still smiling . I brought him up to date , and he said to go ahead and order the pump . I told him he 'd need to put down a good deposit before I went ahead , and right then he pulled out a roll and handed me a twenty . He musta had a couple hundred in there . " Will that do it ? " he asks , but not in an uppity way . " I reckon that 'll do fine , " says I . " ' Fraid not . We got one filling station , one café , and a general store . Best I can offer is cot in the mechanic bay and a blanket . No extra charge , and there 's washroom you can use . " " Sands . But this ain 't Birmingham , so like I said , call me Hank . I 'm glad to help out , but it ain 't a question of trust . I take the money home at night and you 've got nowhere to go anyways . Why don 't you just pull it around to the side and put the top up ? I 'd roll up the windows too . Keeps some of the dust out . Ain 't no use tearing it apart until they call and tell me the new pump 's in Kingman . By the time they get it delivered , I 'll be ready for it . You 'll be on the road a couple hours after that . Meanwhile , there 's a few National Geographics in the office there , but otherwise you 'll have to entertain yourself . " As it turned out , he 'd already met Isabel over at the café , and entertained them both by filling her head with stories about Hollywood . She come over to the station with him next day and seemed pretty impressed with what a shiny convertible he had . He was one big smile . I smelled trouble brewing , but I mind my own business . That day I had driven John to school and borrowed his car so I could put up a chicken - wire fence for one of the white families . After I had finished up I thought I 'd have a soda at the Roadrunner and see if Isabel wanted me to hang around and give her a ride home . The waitress told me she 'd already left with some " citified negro " who 'd been hanging around since yesterday . They were on foot , she said , so I left and went looking for them . I finally spotted Isabel leaning up against the back wall of an abandoned gas station , hands behind her back , and one foot propped against the wall . The " citified negro " had one hand propped against the wall next to her head and the other at her waist . They were grinning at each other and neither one was paying much attention to anything else . As I pulled around and stopped , they both straightened up and wiped the grins off their faces . When I got out and she saw it was me and not John , she seemed relieved , but she shouldn 't have been . Walking right up to them , I asked " Just what 's going on , Isabel ? " The man set his jaw but stepped back a little , like he was intimidated by my size advantage . " Marshall ! " she said , trying to be gay . " Meet Edison . " He stuck out his hand . I ignored him . " He 's from Los Angeles and his car broke down . Mr . Sands says it 'll be fixed tomorrow or the next day and then … " I stuck my finger under his nose . " I 'll talk to you in a minute . Right now I 'm talking to my sister . " I turned to her . " Isabel , get in the car and wait for me . " " I have a right to protect my sister , even if she doesn 't know she needs it . If Momma was here , she would agree with me , and you know it . Now please get in the car . " Marshall hadn 't even turned onto the highway before he said , " Isabel , I 'm very disappointed in you . Don 't you see what kind of man he is ? Don 't you ? " I stared him down . " You 're such a great judge of character . You tell me . What kind of man is he , Marshall ? " He kept on like that , but I looked out the window and paid no attention . Interfering the way he did really infuriated me . I never before felt like I hated him , but he had no call to embarrass me or treat Edison that way . He acted like a jealous boyfriend . Back in New York City , most girls my age are engaged if they 're not already married . I 'm not stupid enough to think Edison is a knight in shining armor , but he 's very nice and I believe his intentions are good . It doesn 't hurt that he 's a sharp - dressed , good - looking man making good money selling cars off his daddy 's lot . Marshall never gave him a chance , but just presumed the worst of him . I may only be seventeen , but I 'm mature for my age and I have good sense . Momma and John both say so , and Marshall should give me more respect for that . Much as I love him , I see now that misery truly loves company . I won 't let him stand in my way , or in his own way . God knows whether another chance like this will ever come along , and if I don 't take it , I don 't see how I 'll ever get out of here . If I don 't get out , neither will he . He 's too blinded by his anger to see that . So when Edison leaves , I 'm going with him , even if he doesn 't know it yet . Maybe tonight I 'll stop by the gas station after Mr . Sands closes up and see if he feels like talking some more … At breakfast , Marshall remembered me telling him that the Ford needs an oil change , and he volunteered to take it this morning and have it done . He even said he 'd put some gas in it for letting him use it yesterday . Maybe he 's finally thawing a bit , but more likely he just wants to use the car . Either way , at least it 'll be done . I just hope he doesn 't run right over and take Helen for a ride . When Nina stepped out of the room to get the coffee pot , I reminded him of what Deputy Peterson told him the other day . " That 's true , " I said , " but the constitution doesn 't carry much weight out here , and that cracker is the law in this county . So I 'd appreciate it if you 'd refrain from associating with her , especially in the family car . All right ? " Frankly , I don 't think what Deputy Peterson said even registered with him . He 's far too headstrong for his own good . If I hadn 't shown up when I did , I don 't think it would have ended peacefully . Marshall simply doesn 't know to shut up or when to quit . I hope he learns before the other shoe falls . I was driving my regular route out of the Mohave County Sheriff 's Department in Kingman , heading northeast a few miles from Pyrite , which is where I 'd always turn around , it being just inside the border before Route 66 crosses into Coconino County . I still had a burr under my saddle from thinking about that black boy and the sass he gave me when I was trying to explain the facts of life to him , talkin ' ' bout she 's eighteen and can see who she wants to . Folks round here don 't cotton to mixing the races , especially when the black one 's wearing pants . Bad enough his stepdad 's married to a Negro without him chasing a white girl who ain 't got a father to protect her from the likes of him . If his stepdad hadn 't shown up , I 'd 've had to box his ears with my billy to get his attention . That 's why it struck me as interesting that there he was , him and two more of his kind , one of ' em a woman , pulled over on the other side of the road , like they 'd been headed for Kingman when I come up on them . They was was all out of their cars , an old Model A and a late - model DeSoto 6 convertible , so busy yellin ' at each other that they didn 't notice the emblem on the door of my Ford V - 8 . I wasn 't more than a hundred feet away when I saw the big black boy deck the high yellow one , who wasn 't near his size . That 's all I needed to see , so I pulled across the highway , stopped and stepped out . Then lo and behold , what do I see but a pretty little white girl with red hair sitting in the Model A , looking sorry to be there , and knew it was Helen . That got my blood boilin ' . By then the colored girl , with a body that 'd make an old man moan , was down on one knee , tryin ' to help the one on the ground get up while she was askin ' Marshall why the hell he did that . The boy 's lip was split and he was getting ' blood on his nice clean shirt . Marshall was sayin ' he 'd better leave his sister alone or he 'd get worse . " That 'll be enough of that , " I says , putting my hand on my billy as I walked up to them . " Officer , he was trying to take my sister out of state . That 's a violation of the Mann Act , " says the big boy . " I was protecting her . " " You just hold your horses , boy , " I says . " You goddamn sure ain 't a G - man , and the only violation I seen so far is you committing a battery on that boy . Now you back off and give him some room . " The girl helped the boy up , as she was saying to me how they was getting ' married in Kingman before goin ' on to Los Angeles , and she had permission from her parents . The white girl , Helen , had got out and was standing on the running board of the Model A , watching . I motioned her to stay put . " I didn 't give a shit if she is . You 're the problem right now , boy . Now I want you to turn around , get down on your knees and put your hands behind your back . " I unstrapped my billy and slapped it into the palm of my hand . " Like hell I can 't . You do as I say , boy , and do it now ! " The other boy spoke up and says , " It 's all right , officer . I don 't want to press charges . We can handle this ourselves . " I pointed my billy at him , because you got to keep control of these situations . " You stay out of this . I don 't need your permission . This boy committed a crime in my presence , and I 'm arresting him . " The colored girl looked scared . " Officer , that really isn 't necessary . " " Well , yes , I suppose . " " Then I want you to get in it , and drive that girl home . " She looked back and forth from her boyfriend to Marshall , which began to rile me . " Do it , girl . " She twitched back and forth , like her body wanted to move but her feet was planted . " You best move your black ass before you really get me pissed off . " Marshall , his eyes bugged out and he come a step toward me and started to say something , like " You don 't … " before I popped him up side the head , not real hard but hard enough to drop him to his knees . His sister started toward him . I put my billy in the middle of her chest to stop her and says , " I ain 't telling you again , girl . You get the hell out of here and do like I said . " She backed away , movin ' kinda wooden - like , and then the two girls got inside the Model A , got it running , turned it around , and headed back to Pyrite . Meanwhile , I got around behind the boy , used my boot to push him flat on his face , and got the cuffs on him . It felt kinda good . The other boy stood by his car , afraid to move , mopping at his lip with a handkerchief . I left Marshall on the ground , and went and got a pencil and some paper from my car , which I took back and handed to the high yellow boy . " Now , I want you to write your name and address , and a telephone number if you got one , at the top , and it better be right ' cause I got your license number . Speakin ' of which , I need some proof you own that fancy car . When you 're done with all that , you holler and I 'll help you write out what happened here , and you can sign it . Then I don 't give a good goddamn what you do , as long as you get outa my county before I see you again . " I dragged Marshall to his feet and got him in my car , then I helped the boy with his statement . He had a dumb coon name . I can 't think now what it was , but he owned the De Soto , all right . When he was done , I watched him make a U - turn and head back to Pyrite . I knew by nightfall him and the smart ass 's sister would be in California , land of the fruits and nuts . When he was down the road , I went back to my car to deal with Mr . Marshall Jefferson . The talk about what happened that day exploded like a bombshell all over the county , especially Pyrite . Everybody that come into the station for weeks after had somethin ' to say about it and wanted to know what I had heard . Some said Marshall had raped the young girl , Helen , and was kidnappin ' her , with his sister and her boyfriend helpin ' . Others said Helen and him was elopin ' and they was headed for parts unknown , and his sister and her boyfriend decided to join them . Some said it was Isabel and her boyfriend that was elopin ' and her folks had called the law , and that Marshall was just out for a joy ride with Helen and had shown up after the deputy had them stopped . Pretty much all we know for sure comes from one or two folks that had actually passed by where the deputy had them all stopped , but what they saw didn 't explain much , and they all knew better than to stop and get in the deputy 's business . You could give yourself a headache tryin ' to sort out all the possibilities . Isabel drove the her daddy 's car into the station , must have been right after it happened but before anyone knew anything about it . Helen was with her . They both got out and Helen walked away without a word , looking like she was going to be sick . Isabel didn 't look too good neither . She handed me the key and asked if she could leave the car there and her father would pick it up later . I said that 'd be all right . Then she just started walkin ' back the way she 'd come . I watched her for a while till she got to the edge of town and saw that DeSoto convertible pull over , pick her up , and turn around . Later that day , John Seekin came walkin ' in and asked how his car got there . I told him what little I knew while his face kinda fell . Then he just shook his head , took the keys , and drove away . He would never talk about it again , or his wife either . What really started the rumor mill buzzin ' was the article in the Kingman paper a day or two later , sayin ' Marshall had hung himself in his cell after he was arrested for assaulting a peace officer and resisting arrest . It said the deputy had witnessed Marshall battering an unidentified Negro male on Route 66 a few miles west of Pyrite and stopped to investigate , but charges for that assault weren 't filed . It didn 't mention neither one of the girls . Helen didn 't keep quiet for long . By the next day she was lettin ' everyone know she was mad as a wet hen about what happened . She 'd tell anyone in earshot that the deputy was a brute and that Marshall never did what they deputy said and he would never have killed himself . I reckon I 'd agree , ' least with the last part , from what little I knew of him . They finally fired her from the general store because customers got so tired of hearin ' it that the cash register practically stopped ringin ' . Next thing I knew she up and left town . I saw her waitin ' at the bus stop in front of the Roadrunner Café , with a bag so big she could barely move it and something big and flat all wrapped in brown paper and tiBy the time they left for good , folks had stopped talking about what happened to Marshall and all , and were talking about keepin ' our noses out of Europe 's business . 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This story takes place in a city which is now called Mira Loma in California , it use to be named Wineville but I will tell you why the name changed later . I was eight years old when I had just moved into this old creepy house with my parents my two sisters and my two big dogs , a German Shepherd and a Rottweiler . When I lived in that house I always felt like something was watching me like I was never alone . But my parents seemed to like it especially since a friend of the family that was living there had let us stay there rent free as long as we took care of the place . Ever since I was a little girl I 've always had a bladder problem . When I had to go you had to get out of my way . I remember one night I woke up in the middle of the night needing to use the bathroom . I walked past my parents room down the hallway towards the bathroom . The door was a little bit open and I could see a shadow on the wall . I could see the shadow of a man . At first I thought it was maybe my dad but then I heard gurgling and choking noises as if he was spitting something out . It didn 't sound like my dad . I then said aloud " who 's there ? " the noises then stopped . I opened the door to see no one in there . Seeing this sent chills down my spine . I had even forgot why I had got up to go to the bathroom and went back to bed . Another night when I was in the backyard with my sister we were jumping on the trampoline when we heard horses hooves stomping on the ground . This confused us because our horses were always in their stalls by the afternoon . When we turned to where the noises were coming from we saw a headless man riding on horse . The horse had glowing red eyes and steam coming out of his nostrils . Me and my sister ran inside . The most frightening memory I had of this house which still haunts me in my mind at times was when my aunt , uncle , and cousins came over to visit . It was around 11 at night . Me and my cousin that was my age were jumping outside when we heard crying and screams of boys . We looked at each other a bit frightened and looked aroReactions : 3 comments : A Loogaroo is a Haitian vampire . The way the legend works with the Loogaroo is that the person is a female , very old , and who has been involved in black magic for many years . It 's like a reward that an evil , black magic practitioner gets for many years of service . I first found out about this back in 2004 - 2005 when like 6 or 7 of my older male neighbors were just sitting around on a Friday evening drinking beer . I heard some of them yelling . The next day they stopped me and told me that they saw a " ghost " . They said that they saw a " ball of light " about the size of a tennis ball fly out of someone 's apartment window and fly around the block and over the tops of the buildings . This ball of light had a starting point and flew around in a cognitive fashion , meaning that it was not random , but knew exactly what it was doing . They told me this in Spanish . A new neighbor overheard and wanted to know what we were talking about and why they were so agitated , so I told him . The new neighbor freaked out and asked me about the person in the apartment , from which the ball of light flew out of . I told him that she was Haitian , elderly , female . That 's when he told me of the Loogaroo , which is a Haitian female vampiric entity . What was really creepy is that when the ball of light flew around , every single dog in the neighborhood starting acting crazy and barking and howling all at once . The second type of vampire is actually the Sang Vamp , except that in the Philippines it is called an Aswang . Back when I was in the Navy there was this one time that there was a major Typhoon approaching . Most of the people were either in their homes or in the barracks . I decided to go for some fresh air and went to the building balcony and I was looking at the horizon and the scenery , and I saw what looked like a women in a white flowing nightgown walking around the cemetery , which was across a small body of water . The problem was that she must have been floating because she stood so far above the tombstones . Based on what I saw I would assume that her feet were barely just below the top of the tombstone line . In the Philippines , they have elevated graves , similar to the ones in New Orleans , so she must have been floating a good three feet off the ground . Even though I was trained to keep my cool and have a " soldier mentality , " even then I still knew that what I saw was supernatural . Me and my family decided to move into a larger house together with my four siblings . As we came into our new home , I had a creepy feeling that there was something hideous waiting for us in that scary white mansion buried deep in the woods . I looked at my older siblings and asked them , " Do you feel anything scary about that house ? " My oldest sister , Adeliene , gave me a funny look and said , " Are you kidding ? That house is great . So huge ! Wait until you see our rooms . I am so excited to see mine ! " My mouth hung open . My brother Brian stared at me with a " sorry " look . We finally made it into our new home . As we unloaded our luggage , I swear I saw something moving from the corner of my eye ! I looked at the playground . No one was there . I was starting to get scared . Adeliene , Brian , Madeliene , Kyle and me went up the third floor to see our rooms . I felt my room was colder than the others . I started to change into a new dress when , all of a sudden , my books fell off the bookcase . I swore I never moved them , nor had I seen someone else in my room . At dinner , I explained what happened this afternoon to my parents . My dad told me that I needed to adjust to my new environment so that I wouldn 't feel scared . My mom said that same . The whole family , including me stayed up late to watch TV and hang out . I felt sleepy so I bid them goodnight and went up to my room . As I climbed to my bed , I felt a roll of nausea but I ignored it . I saw a dark shadow in front of my bed and I screamed ! I kept on screaming until I lost my voice . Quietly I asked , " Who are you ? What do you want ? " Then the shadow revealed a little ghost girl , about 10 years old . Her face was smiling and slowly I forgot the scary feeling . The ghost told me , " How do you like your new home ? " I smiled and said , " Scary . " I asked her where she came from and she told me this story : " When I was still alive I moved in this house with my mother and father . Mother was a kind - hearted person who never failed to make this huge house clean . Father was a well - built man with a legendary Reactions : No comments : I 'd like to share my most horrifying story with you . I am now 20 years old , and this happened to me when I was 17 . On the weekend , my friend ( anonymous ) came over to my house . She had an Ouija board with her and suggested we try it . My parents were gone for the weekend , so I figured it would be okay . So we sat down on the floor , and she said that I should go first . I put the tips of my hands over the glass pointer and said , " Is anyone there ? " Nothing happened for a few moments , but then the glass started to move toward " YES " . I was pretty scared then since I hadn 't done anything . My friend was speechless . " Ask it something else , " she said in a quiet shaky voice . I was about to say something , but then the glass started moving slowly around the board , first stopping at T , and going until it spelled out " THANKS . " Me and my friend looked at each other . Then I said , " For what ? " My friend collected a scrap of paper from the trash can sitting in the other room and a pen . She came back and sat down as the pointer began moving again . My friend wrote this down : FORSETTINGMEFREE . Just then , the paper was ripped from my friend 's hands and torn up . She screamed . " Go ! " I yelled , " Get out ! Hurry ! " She and I got up and ran to the door and out of the house . That night I stayed at her place . The next day , we went back to my house to get the board out . I had to run in , get it , and run out again . I walked up to the door , took a deep breath , opened it ( we hadn 't locked it ) , and dashed in . The board was sitting where we left it . I swooped down , snatched it , and sprinted back toward the door . Then it slammed closed by itself and locked , keeping me in . I tried to unlock it , but something was holding the knob still . I screamed repeatedly , and I could hear my friend screaming from outside . We hadn 't turned the lights off last night , so they were still on , but suddenly they were knocked out and everything was black and white . I stopped screaming and turned around , facing the living room . Then my friend yelled , " I 'm going to find help ! Hold on ! " Reactions : 2 comments : I thought of doing research on vampires ever since a strange incident I had back in 1991 . I believe that I met a real vampire , not a psychic . When I first saw this guy , the word " vampire " screamed in my head . It was weird , and I thought it was my imagination . The next couple of days , I thought of the scream that I " heard " inside my head and wanted to use a mirror to see if he had a reflection . Apparently , he read my mind , and saw that I didn 't pose a threat . We spent a few weeks just basically talking , and he was trying to hint at me about what he was , but I was too afraid to come out and just ask him . He told me about being alive over 400 years ago , not being able to go into the sunlight , etc . He basically told me that he was a vampire without using the word vampire itself . One day , after knowing him for about a month , I go home and the next day , I woke up with a funny type of memory loss . I remembered everything clearly for the last two weeks , except that the memories about him were almost like a blur . It was like trying to remember something from ten years ago , or trying to remember a dream . As the day went on , my memories of him became clearer and I regained full memory as the day wore on . When I went back to where I was spending time with him , he was gone . I believe that he had hypnotized me to forget about him . It was kinda weird how I 'm going to remember everything of the day before except for him . It 's a also a possibility that I was able to retain the memories because I had a strong mind . Who knows ? There were three real vampire encounters here in New York that were documented by authorities . The first one was released to the public , it happened around late 70 's or early 80 's and the second one was classified and sent to the Feds to be investigated . The third one was also partially released to the public . The first one goes like this : A guy gets hit by an ambulance and thrown like 30 to 40 feet in a crowded intersection . There was an ambulance already there at the intersection waiting for the light . All they had to do was open the door and put the guy in the ambulance . They get him to the hospital where he refused all treatment , including blood work and X - rays . He wanted to leave , but he was surrounded by hospital staff and other patients in the ER . He even refused to give his name . They put him in a private room with a nurse outside . He refused all food and water as well . An elderly couple come to visit him carrying very heavy army duffle bags , they leave later without the duffle bags . An ER tech comes to pick up patient for X - rays , he goes with the X - rays , tech , nurse goes into the room to find out what they brought into the duffle bags to him . She goes into the bathroom and finds a bunch of blood donation bags on the floor , mostly empty , she turns around and runs out of the room , the wheelchair is there with the orderly sitting in it , with fang holes on his neck . She screams and armed security guard comes running ( this was the secure floor ) . He flashes fangs at guard , and the guard shoots . The bullets did absolutely nothing to him . He then jumps out of the window , which was like 15 - 20 stories above the ground and actually runs off like nothing ever happened to him . Over the holiday period , 3 days before New Year ( 2010 ) , my girlfriends and I decided to explore Seattle 's nightlife . I have lived in Seattle for the last 4 . 5 years but have not really investigated the city 's nightlife , much to my girlfriends ' annoyance . My girlfriends are fully aware of this fact and begrudgingly I went on the pub crawl . After hours of trudging through the cold night , visiting many bars , we finally discovered a bar in Belltown which was located down an alleyway . I don 't know the name of the bar , it was dark and I wasn 't attentive at this point . This was our final destination and I was relieved . I was the designated driver and I had stopped drinking several hours earlier , so I wasn 't feeling the euphoria which was shared by my girlfriends , in fact I was miserable ! I remember the entryway to the bar had two stone steps ; I stubbed my toe on one of them as I ascended the stairs which is why I remember . The interior was dark ; it was small , packed full of punters and a very sticky floor . We managed to push our way to the bar and ordered some drinks . We stood near the bar , the place was heaving , my girlfriends had already consumed the first lot of refreshments and they were drinking like a fish , so it was the best place for us to stand . I pushed my way to the bar a second time to get the girls more drinks . Whilst I was stood at the bar , I was flanked on the right by a group of men who were loud and crass and to my left was a man probably 6 foot tall or so , with dark short hair and wearing a grey tee - shirt . I didn 't pay much attention to anyone as my focus was to attract the bartender so I could order the drinks . The man on my left spoke to me but I couldn 't decipher what I heard . I turned to look at his face and his stare was quite piercing . II noticed he had really dark eyes , but then he was back lit so part of his face was cast in shadow . He then touched my shoulder and said something . At first I couldn 't interpret what he was trying to say . There was too much noise , music blaring , punters talking and laughing , it just sounded like a roar , until he touched my shoulder and the noise just drifted away , similar to when one inserts earplugs to reduce noise . At first I couldn 't comprehend what happened . I think I was dazed for a minute or so , and then he started to speak again and I could hear him . He asked for my name and I provided my real name without thinking , then he asked who my friends were . The chit chat carried on for a couple of minutes and then he told me he was a vampire . I scoffed at the statement , and then he showed me his teeth . His teeth were nice actually , bright and shiny and he had slight elongated canines . I didn 't believe him , I thought the teeth were glued on and thought my girlfriends must have bribed him to poke fun at my skeptical nature . I asked him if he likes to role - play as a vampire and became quite persistent in questioning . He was adamant he was a vampire and got frustrated so I asked him to prove it . He said he could bite me to prove it , but I rejected that idea . I am not naive to think blood disorders can 't be passed on through a bite . He mentioned he knew where I was from , ( which I thought was easy since I have a British accent ) , where I work and roughly where I live now . I was astounded when he clearly stated I was from the north of England , northern coast , near Blackpool , ( actually I was born in Preston , Lancashire , which is 15 minutes from Blackpool ) . He stated I worked for an aerospace company and that I lived 40 minutes south of Seattle . He mentioned that I was married ( the married part was obvious , I had my wedding rings on ) and then he stated that I had a little girl . At this revelation , I was truly nervous ; I didn 't believe he was a vampire , but a stalker . He knew too much about me . I wondered how he knew I had a little girl . I was actually panicking at this stage . I quickly walked away and pushed my way back to my friends ; I didn 't turn around to look at him and quickly told my friends what occurred . We left the bar within minutes . We had to walk a little and as we approached the car park , my friends noticed the " Vampire " from the bar , standing next to a bus shelter . I quickly ushered my friends into the car park and got out of Seattle as fast as I could drive , hoping he didn 't get a chance to see the license plate number . Over the past couple of weeks I have been questioned a multitude of times by my friends and have been asked to inspect every single aspect of that night . The night in question , I was cold stone sober so I know what I saw and heard . However , I am still dubious he was a vampire , but I am not sure what he was . I was definitely astonished that he knew so much about me . I can 't explain how he knew so much . I am essentially a foreigner in this country and don 't have much information spread everywhere as most U . S . citizens . It is hard to track me unless you have access to immigration databases . Ok first of all I support what Marishka says because it 's true . Samantha , if you are truly a Vampire you do not let yourself be known to society like that , you put all of our kind in danger . If you tell people that you 're a true Vampire they might find you and kill you like Marishka said . Don 't take immortality for granted because we can be killed , I 'm not saying how though , I 'm not stupid like a lot of people here that say everything about us . People have to stop thinking that we 're evil and stuff like that because it 's not true . Some of us are actually very noble and kind . We pity the humans because they do not understand our kind and ways . I 've read a lot of articles here about people confused if they could be Vampires just because they have a lot of knowledge about them . Well it 's not true just because you know a lot about us does not mean you are one of us . I really appreciate how you 're curious about our kind but a lot of our ancestors have been killed because of stupid humans because they can 't keep their mouth shut if they know a Vampire . I only trust other Vampires and Half - Breeds and if you don 't know what a Half - Breed is well it 's a half Vampire and something else like Vampire - Human , Vampire - Lycan ( which is really hard to be one and really rare ) . There 's actually a lot of Vampire - Humans because one of their parents is a Vampire and the other is a Human so they are born a Half - Breed . It 's really rare to be a Vampire - Lycan though and honestly I feel sorry for you because being two different kind of creatures that are sworn enemies is really hard . A lot of Humans despise us because they do not understand our ways and yes we could destroy the Human race but we 're scared … why ? Well simply because they have stronger weapons and a lot more technology then before . My mom once told me that in the 1700s and 1800s all the Humans had to come after us were wooden stakes , pitchforks , torches and stuff like that but now Humans have guns and stuff . If you think you 're a Vampire because you have a lot of similarities with our kind hit me up . I 'll be glad to answer your questions but with one condition : YOU HAVE TO EARN MY TRUST if you want me to answer your questions . Also please don 't ask me stupid questions like how do you kill a Vampire because of course I will not answer that I don 't want to put my Vampire friends , family members , and / or fellow Vampires out there ! Ok first of all I support what Marishka says because it 's true . Samantha ( http : / / freakybrain . blogspot . com / 2010 / 12 / samantha - real - vampire . html ) , if you are truly a Vampire you do not let yourself be known to society like that , you put all of our kind in danger . If you tell people that you 're a true Vampire they might find you and kill you like Marishka said . Don 't take immortality for granted because we can be killed , I 'm not saying how though , I 'm not stupid like a lot of people here that say everything about us . People have to stop thinking that we 're evil and stuff like that because it 's not true . Some of us are actually very noble and kind . We pity the humans because they do not understand our kind and ways . I 've read a lot of articles here about people confused if they could be Vampires just because they have a lot of knowledge about them . Well it 's not true just because you know a lot about us does not mean you are one of us . I really appreciate how you 're curious about our kind but a lot of our ancestors have been killed because of stupid humans because they can 't keep their mouth shut if they know a Vampire . I only trust other Vampires and Half - Breeds and if you don 't know what a Half - Breed is well it 's a half Vampire and something else like Vampire - Human , Vampire - Lycan ( which is really hard to be one and really rare ) . There 's actually a lot of Vampire - Humans because one of their parents is a Vampire and the other is a Human so they are born a Half - Breed . It 's really rare to be a Vampire - Lycan though and honestly I feel sorry for you because being two different kind of creatures that are sworn enemies is really hard . A lot of Humans despise us because they do not understand our ways and yes we could destroy the Human race but we 're scared … why ? Well simply because they have stronger weapons and a lot more technology then before . My mom once told me that in the 1700s and 1800s all the Humans had to come after us were wooden stakes , pitchforks , torches and stuff like that but now Humans have guns and stuff . If you think you 're a Vampire because you have a lot of similarities with our kind hit me up . I 'll be glad to answer your questions but with one condition : YOU HAVE TO EARN MY TRUST if you want me to answer your questions . Also please don 't ask me stupid questions like how do you kill a Vampire because of course I will not answer that I don 't want to put my Vampire friends , family members , and / or fellow Vampires out there ! The myths and legends that are researched to make theories date back far into the past , and yet , their isn 't enough evidence to be able to say vampires exist as a fact . It 's a mystery we can 't shake after all these years . I believe vampirism is an idea that will never be proven , at least not online , and that is the only worldwide connection we all share . There are some posters on here that believe in vampirism based on personal experiences , and that is pretty much the only way to write it in stone . But with the internet , you don 't have that assurance . Videos can be faked , along with pictures , and when it comes to forums … well , that just turns into " he said , she said " . As a whole , it 's a mystery eternal . I can 't put faith or belief in the existence of vampires , but what place do I have to say they don 't exist . However , I do understand that the media gives people ( specifically younger people ) the fascination of vampires . The dreams of vampirism , if that 's understandable . People post comments on here straight up claiming they are a vampire , and notice how there is always at least one skeptic . Now , obviously , we 're dealing with the internet , and when we get right down to it , it can 't be proven . In the end , it 's left to faith , or an open - mind … but to come to a decision on whether they exist or not , as the title of the article asks … it can 't be left up to open - mindedness . You either accept the possibility or not . Seeing as how there is no middle ground online , stating that you are a vampire or giving scenarios showing signs is pretty much irrelevant … unless of course , you just want to share your dreams and experiences . And maybe people only post these things because having someone else believe them makes them feel good … and maybe that will just drag them deeper into their dream … or experience . We see a black or white person , and we acknowledge them to be black or white . It 's fact , and we accept it . The idea of vampirism taking the place of either of those examples is impossible , because of the media . It can never be accepted worldwide that vampires exist or don 't exist . So what is left … but to grab on to a dream . That is all vampirism will truly be . Some of you have probably seen me on other posts . So I decided to make one of my own so it will be easier to answer your questions . As most of you know I am a real vampire . And I thrive for humans to know about me . Maybe some of you would like to know about my life . Okay so I will tell you about it . What I can remember anyways . I was born in the 1800 's and I am 144 years old . I was turned at 17 . When I first woke up in the strange place where my " maker " left me I didn 't know what happened . I thought maybe I had been kidnapped and the person left me . I was sweating really badly and I had blood all over my neck and chest . I tried to find my way back home but I couldn 't remember , I couldn 't remember anything I had done before I woke up . The only thing I could remember was my name . Someone found me where I was and brought me home . They had all kinds of doctors to try and see what was wrong with me but they couldn 't figure out what was wrong . And personally I didn 't know what was wrong with me . Time passed and I never aged . I still looked 17 as they said . They soon started accusing my family of being witches . But that soon went away . More years passed and my mother grew older and my father . But I was still " 17 " even though I should be a lot older . Soon enough my mother died . And soon after my father . I was an only child so I had no one else . I lived alone and in abandoned houses . I didn 't need to eat so that was no problem . But I liked blood . And at the time I didn 't know why . Many years passed and soon enough I began researching and looking up things . And I found one thing I never thought twice about me being ; I was a vampire . This was strange to me . Because like most of you I didn 't believe in things like that . I thought it was stupid and ignorant . But sure enough that 's what I was . And soon I found every file they had of me and got rid of it . So I never existed . If you tried to look me up you wouldn 't find me . Years later I met my best friend Makailey and told her what I was and I moved in with her and I have lived there for three years . Before I met her I was traveling . I have been everywhere . I love traveling . But that 's my story . And like I said in other peoples posts . If you have any questions feel free to ask them because I love to answer questions . Some of you have probably seen me on other posts . So I decided to make one of my own so it will be easier to answer your questions . As most of you know I am a real vampire . And I thrive for humans to know about me . Maybe some of you would like to know about my life . Okay so I will tell you about it . What I can remember anyways . I was born in the 1800 's and I am 144 years old . I was turned at 17 . When I first woke up in the strange place where my " maker " left me I didn 't know what happened . I thought maybe I had been kidnapped and the person left me . I was sweating really badly and I had blood all over my neck and chest . I tried to find my way back home but I couldn 't remember , I couldn 't remember anything I had done before I woke up . The only thing I could remember was my name . Someone found me where I was and brought me home . They had all kinds of doctors to try and see what was wrong with me but they couldn 't figure out what was wrong . And personally I didn 't know what was wrong with me . Time passed and I never aged . I still looked 17 as they said . They soon started accusing my family of being witches . But that soon went away . More years passed and my mother grew older and my father . But I was still " 17 " even though I should be a lot older . Soon enough my mother died . And soon after my father . I was an only child so I had no one else . I lived alone and in abandoned houses . I didn 't need to eat so that was no problem . But I liked blood . And at the time I didn 't know why . Many years passed and soon enough I began researching and looking up things . And I found one thing I never thought twice about me being ; I was a vampire . This was strange to me . Because like most of you I didn 't believe in things like that . I thought it was stupid and ignorant . But sure enough that 's what I was . And soon I found every file they had of me and got rid of it . So I never existed . If you tried to look me up you wouldn 't find me . Years later I met my best friend Makailey and told her what I was and I moved in with her and I have lived there for three years . Before I met her I was traveling . I have been everywhere . I love traveling . But that 's my story . And like I said in other peoples posts . If you have any questions feel free to ask them because I love to answer questions . When I was small and before there was electricity in the lonely country area we had recently moved to ( Yeah others besides vampires are old ) I was sleeping in the same room as one of my baby sisters and several nights in a row I was awakened to find a shimmering full grown female figure beside my sisters cot . Each time I woke the figure sensed it and gestured at me and that froze me back to oblivion . I asked my mother why she had been in seeing my sister but she said she hadn 't . In the next days my sister tragically died suddenly of moisture loss . I knew I had had a supernatural experience but never thought much about and always presumed it was an angel prior to my sisters death . The youngest girl , who was 15 , was in her room on the top floor . She couldn 't sleep so she went to the basement where her older sister slept before she moved and she slept very well there . She stayed there for a long time and made it into her room . One night as she was sleeping something knocked on the widow and woke her up but she ignored it . She couldn 't get to sleep again so she just closed her eyes . After about five minutes she felt something holding her head and her back . It started lifting her up to it and she opened her eyes and her head went back then she murmured to her self , " oh my gosh . " An extremely handsome boy smiled and she saw two fangs , not bigger than the size of a humans but so much shaper . Then he went back to her and grabbed her in the same way and kissed her and put his mouth to her neck and almost bit in but then she screamed as loudly as she could and her parents started rushing down the stairs . The boy looked up and ran away . Her parents asked , " what is it ? " In a worried tone the girl said nothing because of the shock but finally she said in very low voice , " vampire . " Her parents said , " what ? ! " " Vampire , " the girl screamed . Her parents were so confused , " you just had a bad dream go back to sleep ok ? " Then she fell asleep again for about two hours and a little movement on her bed woke her and she saw the boy again . Just as she was about to scream he put his and on her mouth and spoke with the most lovely voice in the world , " if you say anything or make any noise I will kill you and your parents , but if your quiet I will do you a favor . " She said , " ok , " very quietly , " ok and what is that favor ? " All he did was smile and move toward her neck . Then she said , " no , " and he leaned back and said , " fine I won 't but I would be doing you a favor but since you don 't want me to then I won 't but I do get to stay in your room tonight . " " ok fine you can sleep on the couch in the living room . " " No I get to sleep in your bed and if you say no I will kill you right here right now . " " Ok , " so he laid down and snuggled up close and she froze . He asked , " are you ok ? " " Yeah , your just very cold . " " Oh sorry now go to sleep , " then he started singing . His voice made her fall asleep so he quickly got up and bit her leg were she wouldn 't see the fang marks . For many years trends and fads come and go . The legend of the Vampyre 's however have out - staged any fad . From Buffy to Angel , Twilight to True Blood , Vampire Diaries etc . I am an artist I write and I live out my life behind a lens . In the past few weeks I have lost everything you can think of . I am young but feel as though I have lived 1000 years . I , just as much as you all , wish I had superhuman strength and the ability to live forever and discover a fountain of youth that will make it so that I will never age , that I will keep my beauty forever more . 9 . If Vampires do not use blood for feeding ( like the Psychic Vampires ) what do they feed on ? ( I understand energy for another , but explain , how they do that ) 10 . Is this really true or has the entertainment industry introduced something in life and now everyone is following ( Interview with a Vampire , The Twilight saga … etc . ) . Is this really true or just a bunch of people so bored with life that they have now decided it is true ? Please excuse my attack , I am just really not so convinced , and if you have friends telling you this is what they really are , the need to learn and question arises even more . 11 . If one is not called and transformed to a Vampire , because that is what happens when you get bitten by one , and you were not born to be a vampire ( which I also do not understand ) then how does it happen ? Please its one thing I need to have answered ( as my friend , not explaining much , just told me it happened about six years ago , he never said how it happened just that " it " did ) . I 'm not actually quite sure how it works . If you can think that each of you has a certain energy around you , circling you . It 's the energy of life . Dead things don 't have that energy , vampires don 't have that energy . If we want to stay alive , we need that energy . It circles you . It runs through your blood , too . Lot of people only associate blood with medican terms . Somewhere along the line it has lost its mythological sense . And , I myself look at the medical , physical side more ; the fact is that without your blood , you couldn 't live . It is your blood that transports thing around your body . With each beat of your heart , blood is passed , and so are those vital supplies . But also in your blood you have the essence of your life , the same essence that radiates out of you and circles you . It 's a natural thing , and unique to living things . I don 't know how I became a vampire . I 'm just here . I guess I look around twenty ? I don 't know . Nowadays you can 't tell people 's age through looking . Anyway . I don 't know , but that sort of force attracts me . Somehow I can intake your energy . If I breathe in - I don 't technically breathe , my face is structured like yours but inside I bet I 'm different . I could do it by drinking your blood but by standing near you I can breathe in your energy . You wouldn 't know it , you wouldn 't sense it . It 's not a physical thing , and considering the fact that people nowadays aren 't very religious and hold no specific belief in anything like spirits and the essences of life , you wouldn 't have something in your mind telling you . Subconsciously , you may feel a little drained . Physically , I guess it would make sense to feel tired - I 'm slurping your life force . I 'm not very healthy . I can survive , because I feed , but human blood is better . There is animal blood , and for those who only drink blood , then they could go for that . But I don 't like it . It 's not that , it makes me feel less humane . I like having human life in me , not an animals . Trust me , an animals life is ruled by so many different aspects compared to a humans , and they don 't have as much love for life . The zest of their energy isn 't there ; they live to survive , they survive to life ; it 's a pointless cycle . I prefer human imagination . It was better back when people were spiritual . Even though I 'm guessing we were more hunted then ; more people believed , more people sensed . But I 'm not saying don 't talk about us because I don 't want humans to know I am there so that I can feed easier - I love humans . I am so jealous , but I still manage to love . As much as I love humans , feel for humans , I can 't stop myself completely . I tire very quickly . I spend my days in shopping centres and such , feeding off people . I have no companions . I pride myself on resisting the urge to kill . My life is pathetic , a waste . It 's not good . If I drank blood , I guess I 'd feel better . There would be more to take in . But , I don 't . So , I feed off your energy instead . A strong willed person is often better than a weak person , but there 's not really anyway of knowing that . Basically , I don 't like vampires , I don 't think they 're something to be adhered . I 'm probably a demon from somewhere . I 've never met another actual vampire . I 've met fakes , loads of them , and humans who will literally sit an slurp ketchup all day to appear slightly different . I 'm sorry if I seem moody , it 's just the way that I am . This is an account of what happened to myself and others I have no proof or evidence to back up what I say so make of this what you will . First of all I am not a writer so spelling and punctuation is going to be all over the place . I am a 37 year old male from Australia . I am a machinist by trade and have been working in heavy industry for 20 years . I have worked in many mining towns over the country and currently run a machine shop that builds drill rigs , our company drills for minerals in 6 countries . I 'm telling you this so you understand that I 'm a very grounded , responsible man who is not easily rattled as I say I run a machine shop in a very hard industry that a lot of people cant cope with . I am on your web site purely by chance and don 't really have an interest in this subject . I am writing this mainly because I 've told only one person about this and I tend to stay clear of this particular subject so again make of it what you will . About seven years ago my younger brother ( by 8 years ) moved into a large flat with a guy he grew up with and another guy and his girlfriend who I 'd only known for about six months . The flat had three bedrooms and was on the third floor of a five story complex . It was about a 15 minute walk to the beach in a well known suburb so the first time I visited him I was reasonably impressed and happy that he had a decent place to live as we were all originally from a poorer suburb . I visited the next week and the girl ( I don 't want to use names ) was telling us about her hair being touched or pulled . I cant remember the exact details as we were drinking and smoking pot , not to excess but just a normal get together , and just blamed the weed , had a laugh and didn 't say anymore about it . Two weeks later I got a call from my brother asking if I would come around to help move furniture with my car , it was a ford Ute or pick up . When I arrived he told me that the girl had moved out the previous night . I asked why and he said something about an argument with her boyfriend . She said someone was touReactions : No comments : I was 19 when my demon first raped me . I was traveling with a show , and I lived in a tent . The first night that it came to me , I thought tha . . . My cousin had brought a Furby a couple of years ago . At first it was an ordinary doll with a bunch of motion sensors . We used to put our fin . . . I am a twelve year old girl who uses the nickname X - ra , and I can summon things from other worlds . Some people can do this , some can not . M . . . I am a teacher . . well , I WAS . . at the age of 23 . I had a group of 10 / 11 year olds in a classroom . It was thundering outside and the rain was . . . |
The group entered to find that the room had been an office . Very likely the preacher 's office . The room had an oak desk and chair , a book Jimmy and Reginald kept the fountain pens . The girls noticed another door at the other end of the room . This door had long lost its knob so Carl 's This is the final portion of the first rewrite of Chapter 8 in PART 1 NICOLAE ' S ESCAPE . I also added a final interlude titled The Beginning of the End at the end of Part 1 . It gives more insight into the beginnings of Nicolae and Teresa 's very disfunctional marriage that will assist with later chapters in the first draft that return to Nicolae , Teresa , and Eloisa . ruined everything , but Nicolae 's expression softened and he said , " You 're right . I 'm so sorry . I suppose I was just so anxious to be with you . " and leave her devastated beyond repair . " It was your face and body I saw … not hers . I thought it was you ! I swear it ! Please believe me . Forgive me , Jimmy and Reginald arrived at around 4 : 30 . There was still plenty of time to hang out as nobody had to be home for dinner until about six . Linda and Gail had been sitting on Dorothy 's bed filling her in on the latest gossip at school . Dorothy glanced down at Carl who sat on the floor beside the desk chair she still sat on . Carl sat with an arm around Dorothy 's waist and a rather pained expression in his eyes . Dorothy almost had to laugh at the site of her boyfriend having to sit in the middle of girls ' gossip . His expression of pain turned to relief when Jimmy and Reginald thundered up the stairs and burst into the room . Linda immediately jumped up and threw her arms around Jimmy and Reginald moved in to give Gail a quick kiss . For that moment , Dorothy was happy to have everyone in her room just having a good time . Normally , they would have all been down in either the sitting room or they would have all gone out somewhere and met up . But since Dorothy was still a little slow in moving down the stairs , her parents had made an exception as long as the door was kept open . Carl tightened his hold around her waist also taking care to make sure that he didn 't hurt her in any way . His arm wrapped completely around her to where she could feel his fingertips lightly caressing the small of her stomach through the material of her sweater and camisole . A warming sensation came over her and the memories of her and Carl together in her room on Halloween entered her mind . The touch of Carl 's lips wandering her upper body was something she wanted to have again . She thought of their conversation earlier , thinking of feeling ashamed for not having a past or any previous boyfriend or even a date before Carl . There were those who would tell her that it was perfectly respectable for a young lady to not have a history with boys . There were also plenty of girls at school who hadn 't even experienced what Dorothy had with Carl , so there really wasn 't anything wrong with that . But not even a date of maybe just a soda after school ? Linda hadn 't gone all the way with any boys before Jimmy but she had been out with a couple boys before she and Jimmy were in a relationship . Gail had also gone on a couple after school dates before Reginald . And all those years of those two looking at me like I was crazy when I didn 't outwardly take interests in any boys at school . Dorothy wondered if whatever had happened to her when she was seven had been so psychologically damaging that for years she would have a hard time trusting people . She had like Carl since about sophomore year and it took until last summer for her to share that with even her two closest friends . Not even her mother knew of the crush she had on Carl . So if she couldn 't even share something like that with three women who were close to her , how could she give herself to a relationship ? The more Dorothy thought about this the more she came to recognize that this was a large part of why she had such reservations about going out with Carl initially despite her feelings for him . Maybe that 's where all these sudden thoughts of Bernice were coming from . Could it be that I 'm looking for an excuse to get out of continuing further into the relationship with Carl ? Am I really that closed off ? Dorothy thought again of the night Carl was with her , lying on her bed and how she somehow wanted to have that again . Then she remembered what happened as Carl touched and caressed her . She remembered the image of the threatening dark , almost black eyes that had been before her . She remembered the feeling of not being able to breath and then seeing the bloodspill on the stone floor beneath her . Then she remembered coming out of that to Carl 's worried expression . She had felt both scared and embarrassed , fearing Carl would think she was a spaz and run away . But he didn 't . Instead , he looked just as scared as she did and even apologized for moving too fast . The conversation of her friends was almost a distant buzz as she thought of these things . But it was all interrupted by a knock on the open bedroom door . Dorothy was shaken from her thoughts and the conversation between everyone else ceased . They all turned to see Tahatan standing in the doorway holding what looked to be a small leather book ( a journal or diary of some kind ? ) and some pieces of paper with notes written on them . " Come in , " Dorothy said to him . She couldn 't take her eyes from the small book . Tahatan had told her of a new discovery he had made that morning and she wondered if the book had anything to do with it . Either way , she was anxious to hear it as it may explain what had been happening with her and what had occurred with all of them up at the Fleming property . She also began to feel a little better about her mental state that perhaps she really wasn 't going crazy . " Certainly , " Dorothy replied . Jimmy and Reginald scooted over from their place on the floor so that Tahatan could take a seat at Dorothy 's dressing table . Everyone was silent as he placed the book and small stack of papers neatly on the table before he turned to them and said , " I 'm going to get right to the point . I wanted to discuss the Fleming property and what happened up there . " Dorothy watched as her friends regarded one another with uneasiness . They had all avoided speaking of what had happened up there with one another , though it was likely an incident that haunted them all . Dorothy knew that it certainly was haunting her and there was something to her attack that was connected to the orphanage . Why else would I have ended up there ? Chills rose up on her skin as the memory of being shoved into the closet in the master bedroom came back to her . All eyes , including Tahatan 's , fell onto the pretty blonde that some said resembled Jean Harlow . Her blue eyes darted around the room nervously and Jimmy reached up to place a hand over hers . " Baby , what is it ? " he asked . " Linda , " Tahatan said in a soothing tone , " don 't worry . You all experienced something and still are . I can see it in all of you . Now Linda , if you have something to say , something that may be of use to what 's going on , please say it . I can trust that none of your friends will respond negatively and neither will I . " Linda looked back at everyone . Still doubtful but willing to get it over with , she took her hand out from Jimmy 's and began to rummage through her schoolbag . Everyone watched as she pulled out the dagger covered in its tattered sheath . " Well , " Linda began , " I did get it in Maine this past summer while I was visiting my relatives . That much I did tell you . But it was how I came to buy it . " Linda paused , turning the dagger in her hands as she thought of what to say next . The whole incident really was a mystery , even for her . And then in school earlier when she saw the portrait of Anton Alexanderescu … " My visit to Maine this past summer was different from the other times I 've gone , " Linda said . " Ever since I was a little girl … my grandparents ' house almost seemed like a fairytale place especially with all the statues and paintings of the sea and all the creatures that supposedly inhabited it at one time . But this time , it seemed different and I began having these strange dreams . Actually , they began before my parents and I left Plains . Anyway , it got so bad that I needed to take a break . Get out of the house , even if it was only for a little while . So my grandmother 's chauffer drove me into town where I walked around for a little while and had a soda at the drugstore and soda fountain there . " " You were all right to be surprised by my going into an antique shop to purchase a 19th Century Romanian dagger , " Linda said . " That isn 't me at all to do that . Which brings me to the fact that … I can 't even tell you how I came to the antique shop . It really was as though one minute I was wandering through town , watching the time so I wouldn 't be late meeting the chauffer and the next , there I was . Standing in front of the shop , pushing the door and going inside . It was as though … " Linda 's voice trailed off as she tried to find the correct words to express what had happened without sounding crazy to everyone , including herself . Linda looked at him and nodded . " Yes , " she simply said before she continued . " Next thing I know , I 'm inside the shop , not really noticing anything but the dagger . As I 'm standing there looking at it , a man , whom I assumed was the shop owner , suddenly appears beside me and begins telling me some things about the dagger . The one thing that really stands out is his saying that it was as though I was meant to have the dagger . I think he offered me tea or something as well . " Linda shook her head . " No , " she said . " Everything else was a blur . I couldn 't even tell you what happened or what was said or how I even paid for it . It wasn 't until the dagger was in m hands and I was leaving that I really got a good look at the man who sold it to me . He had an accent and mannerisms that almost seemed … European , I guess . Almost aristocratic , if that makes any sense because why would someone like that be working in a pawn shop . The whole incident was very weird , but then he called to me before I left . He knew my name and he knew about Jimmy . " " That 's what I 've been trying to figure out . Like I said , it was all a blur so I guess it 's possible that I did . But I just felt uneasy about the whole thing . Then there was the way he looked at me … " " How ? " Jimmy asked obviously getting angry . " Because if he did anything to you don 't think I won 't drive up to Maine and punch his lights out . " " Dark , " Linda said . " Just dark . They almost seemed to glisten like black jewels or something . But that could have just been the afternoon sun . Maybe ? " " Well after that , " she said , " I put the dagger away in a drawer and forgot about it . Just like that . Until the night we went up to the Fleming orphanage . I have had strange dreams , though . Even when I wasn 't thinking about the dagger . " " I 'm usually standing on an ocean 's shore as a storm is beginning to take place , " Linda replied . " It is very windy and I can often see a woman with long , dark hair standing with her back to me . When I go to see who she is , there is a black hole where her face should be . " Linda nodded and handed it to him . Tahtan took it into his hands . From the moment he began holding it he could feel the dagger 's pulse . As though it were a living , breathing , object with a beating heart . The pulse entered Tahatan and he began to see clouds and an ocean . He was being taken across the ocean . " Tahatan ! " he heard a distant voice call to him . Dorothy 's ? He couldn 't tell . All he knew was that he was being shown the dagger 's origins and possibly what it had to do with what was going on right now . Tahatan was taken to what appeared to be a rundown village that normally belonged to the serfs or the slave class . It was Eastern Europe , he could tell that much so far . He saw a large , stone structure in the distance that looked like some photos he had seen of castles and mansions in Romania . He moved through the village , seeing the dark - skinned inhabitants and remembered Dorothy 's description of the little boy from her dream . Gypsies . Romani slaves … Tahatan could feel whatever was attached to the dagger guiding to one hut in particular . He entered the doorway , and saw the family who lived in the hut . Tahatan saw a woman who looked to be in her early thirties . Obviously this family 's matriarch . He then saw two boys who looked to be about twelve , going on thirteen , playing some kind of a game at a very run - down table . Tahatan could sense that these boys were twins , the fraternal kind that his grandfather Sunkwa and his great - aunt Kimimela were . He then saw two little girls about six and four . The older was helping her mother with dinner and the younger was playing with a baby boy , who was about two years old , on the floor . The baby seemed to be very observant and precocious for his age . Much like little Willow Blake … Tahatan left the hut and walked out behind it toward a wooded forest that sat about a mile back . He didn 't have to walk for very long when he came to the edge of the woods and saw a man who was perhaps a couple years older than the woman , the mother , he had just seen . The man was cutting up wood with an ax . Not too far away from the man was a little boy , sitting and watching the man with great intent . Tahatan then got a look at the man 's face and he could see the resemblance between the two who were obviously father and son . Tahatan looked back at the little boy and it was clear that the boy idolized his father . The boy smiled and went to a small bag and began to dig through it until he had found what his father had asked for . Nicolae , the boy , retrieved the needed tools ( two daggers … both still in their sheaths ) and moved quickly to where is father was . It was obvious to Tahatan that this boy Nicolae was very happy to please his father . The father then thanked his son and the boy beamed , sitting on another stump to watch his father some more . Tahatan watched as the man retrieved one of the daggers from its sheath and saw that it was the one that Linda had had in her possession . But his attention was also drawn to the other that still sat in its sheath . Tahatan regarded that particular dagger , drawing in on it . Feelings of rage began to pulse through him and it was then he saw a pair of dark , almost black , eyes and a large amount of bloodspill , the red liquid spreading over a white surface . Teresa stood on the edge of the shore , gazing out to the rolling waters of the Atlantic . A week ago , her husband became part of that ocean . As of a week ago , the Atlantic was where he would remain long after they were all dead and gone . It was Nicolae Ganoush 's final resting place . Well I suppose you got what you wanted , Teresa thought as the wind beat the thick , long dark hair she had maintained since she was a young girl , whipping the strands against her face . " You go what you wanted … " she whispered as a tide came in and for a brief moment consumed her bare feet . She watched her long strands of hair being pushed around by the wind . The dark strands may have been streaked with gray now , but it was still there and still hers as it had been when she was younger . It was the only part of herself she truly recognized anymore . Teresa folded her arms over her full and now heavier chest . To a bystander and those in their small community who knew her , she was a new widow mourning for her recently late husband , and that was true . Teresa was now in her mid forties , a mother , a grandmother , and a widow mourning for her husband and standing at the edge of the ocean with a tear escaped down her face . Nicolae had reached the other side . That she knew . She could feel it . But he isn 't alone … That was also something she knew . " That damned box , " Teresa muttered , but her hatred for the box and whom it carried for over thirty years had faded into a disdain and then into a rather weak helplessness . They were together now . That other woman was with him and there was absolutely nothing Teresa was able to do about it . They were in a place where she had no power . None at all . She had tapped into the sacred bloodline and used its energy , but where had it gotten her ? Alone , she thought as the tears began to stream down her face . She stood on the shore , pushing back the strands of hair that had gotten stuck to her face by the tears . Her face had retained most of its girlish youth despite the aging lines that creased her skin and she was more than aware of the fact that her body was far from what it had been when she had met Nicolae at sixteen . A small , sad chuckle left her mouth as she recalled how silly she had been as a girl of sixteen when she was so critical of her physical appearance back then . Now her youth was gone along with her deceased husband . The man she loved in the best way she knew how . " I did love him , " she insisted aloud at the wind . Then she looked out to the sea and whispered with her voice cracking , " I did love you Nicolae and still … " before she broke down to near hysterical sobbing . She collapsed down onto the wet sand , the in - coming tides soaking the skirt of her dress and the hem of her jacket . She could see them again . Together in the afterlife and that only increased her tears . " All I wanted was for you to love me ! " Teresa screamed , her voice straining against the sobs coming up through her throat . She sobbed even more as her salty tears fell into the ocean 's tides to be swept away out to sea . No , he wouldn 't and nor would he care . He has her now … why would he even be concerned with me ? He hardly was when he was alive . With that thought , more tears fell but her sobbing was soft this time . Teresa reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the dagger that Nicolae had given her shortly after their initial meeting so that she would be able to protect herself if needed . The act of his concern for her still touched her heart thirty years later . She remembered the couple times he had looked at her with a glint of desire in his eyes despite the fact that he was still mourning for Eloisa , which would later explain the guilty manner in which he would quickly shift his eyes away within seconds . It was the small moments that kept her afloat . Teresa closed her eyes and remembered his concern over the slice in her palm . Of course she had lied to him about how she had done it . She had told him that it had been an accident when it had not . And that moment had been the beginning of the end for not only Nicolae but Teresa . Teresa thought about summoning the elements as the ocean 's shore was the perfect place to do it . She wanted to try one more time to bring Nicolae to her , but every time she tried , she was met with some sort of wall blocking her from doing so . It was at that moment that Teresa not only was forced to accept that fact that Nicolae was not only gone but that she also never really had him in the first place . She looked down at the small , faded scar on the palm she had sliced thirty years ago when she was promised that Nicolae would be hers . What had it all really been for ? After Nicolae 's death , the voices Teresa had heard speak to her since the disappearance of her parents had vanished , including the apparition of her mother . Teresa had tried several times that passed week to reach them but to no avail . This only increased the emptiness that she felt . The sacrifice she had made three decades ago . What had it really been for ? They had promised her that she would have Nicolae and that their descendents would have gifts . All they would need is some of her blood and occasionally , they would need to " collect " though they were never specific on what that collecting would entail . And Teresa would never truly discover what collecting meant until the day that Olga disappeared . She had convinced herself that the stillbirths of her first two children , a boy named Andreas and a girl named Maria were nothing more than unfortunate circumstances . Teresa 's intuition seemed to be trying to tell her otherwise , but at the ages of sixteen and seventeen , she did not want to believe that her beloved voices and her own mother would be cause for her children to die . Acknowledging that would also mean that Teresa was the one responsible for the two little ones dying , and that was something she just did not want to accept , even now . She still did not want to assume responsibility for Olga and she would take that secret to the grave . Then there was the bloodline that her mother , Dominique , had told her of when she appeared to her in the campfire thirty years ago . Teresa did not understand it at all then and there were some things that were still a mystery to her , but she understood a lot better now . It was an ancient one that was scattered to all areas of the Earth . There wasn 't a day Teresa didn 't feel the heat of her ancient ancestors flowing through her blood . She had welcomed what had been dormant inside her for the first sixteen years of her life had been awakened that night when she stood naked in a field under the moonlight , sliced her palm and allowed her blood to drop into the soil . Teresa had felt an almost orgasmic rush as she felt the elements and the spirits of her ancient bloodline begin to consume her being . It was then that she felt things she had never felt before in her life . Power and control over her destiny . That she would have the man she desired . After that , Teresa had quickly dressed at the urging of her mother 's voice , tearing off a piece of cloth from her apron to wrap her bleeding palm with as she tried not to get blood on her clothing . She had then gone back to an unsuspecting Nicolae and the following night Nicolae would make love to her . Or at least she had thought at the time . She remembered being confused over Nicolae 's reaction to her the following morning , but that later made sense after she had looked inside of his box at Eloisa 's remains and saw the images of their relationship and what had really happened on the first night she had been with Nicolae . Teresa had wanted to destroy that box and the desire to discard Eloisa 's ashes out with the rest of the garbage had been only too strong for her . Nicolae managed to hide the box well and seemed to guard it as though he were guarding the biblical Arc of the Covenant . There seemed to be a power there , a force that neither Teresa nor her visitors seemed to understand or break . There was also part of Teresa that understood that the destruction of the bTeresa sat on the wet sand , staring down at the dagger she held in both of her hands . It was in it 's tattered sheath and it had been the only real , meaningful gift he had given to her . That and little Antonio . Her other children harbored some form of resentment to her , she knew . Especially Stefania . But Antonio loved her and to him she could do no wrong . Perhaps with Antonio I can right whatever wrongs I 've done with the other children . Of course , there 's the grandchildren too . But they are their parents ' children to raise and Antonio is my son to raise … . and a result of one of the last times Nicolae and I were together . I didn 't even have to use any manipulation that time either . Teresa sighed heavily , her sorrow deepening at the thought of the lack of romance and intimacy in her marriage . She had ways of manipulating Nicolae into bed with her . That was how all of their children other than Antonio had been produced . Dominique and the other voices had revealed the history Nicolae refused to share with her , thus giving her insight to his weaknesses . She knew how to keep him and at the time , she had been willing to go to any length to do so . But one thing that Teresa hadn 't considered at the time that was dawning on her now was the question of whatever forces there were out there using her weakness for Nicolae to manipulate her into being some kind of a vessel for them . Even now she had a hard time believing that her own mother would allow the demise of Teresa and Dominique 's own grandchildren . Teresa looked out to the ocean , staring into the mist that began to rise above it . In that mist , she saw them . She saw the way they looked at eachother . She saw them in a dimly lit area , locked in a passionate embrace . Teresa closed her eyes and remembered the night Nicolae did come to her on his own . The night they created Antonio . A lone tear escaped down her cheek and she opened her eyes again and stared at the image of her late husband and his love . His only love . " I knew about the time you two were together in the workshed ten years ago … " she said to them . " I knew it when it happened . I woke up and was able to see it happening in my mind . I was also able to see that there was a moment where you would rather be dead than be in a marriage with me any longer . " " That 's a lie , " she shakily told the voice . Teresa strained her ears , listening for a response , but all she heard were the sounds of the ocean . A seagull cried out in the distance and Teresa noticed that the image of Nicolae and Eloisa was replaced by and image of two small boys that looked to be about three years of age , one with dark , almost ebony hair and the other was blond . The image evaporated as quickly as it had come , but it was enough for her to get the energies of the two boys and she immediately knew who they were . The mist then formed to show her an image which appeared to be an older version of the dark - haired little boy , about the age Nicolae was when Teresa had met him . The young man was playing a guitar that didn 't look like anything from her time . He was neatly dressed and his hair was done in a style that also wasn 't anything from the year 1875 . The young man had Nicolae 's build and some of his mannerisms reminded Teresa of her late husband ( especially the way he furrows his brow when he concentrates as he plays ) . The young man had a fate as did his light - haired brother . Both of them were important to the fate of their bloodline in their own way . As the image of her and Nicolae 's descendent evaporated , Teresa had a memory of a thought she had after she had met Nicolae . That fate had brought them together and perhaps that was correct even if it wasn 't the reasoning Teresa had hoped for . Teresa let out a cry at that realization as she clutched the dagger in its tattered sheath . Teresa then heard another voice in the back of her mind . This is what I tried to protect you from , child . " Gabriella ? " Teresa asked . She looked around , feeling a small ray of hope and comfort as she listened for any sign of her former guardian , but once again she was only met with the sounds of the waves churning in the ocean . Teresa 's posture fell as hopelessness began to overtake her again . As the years would pass and Teresa 's mind would begin to cloud over until she knew nothing more than wandering through a thick forest for what would be an eternity . Anytime there was hope of a clearing ahead there would only be more forest . It would continue after she would leave the physical world at the age of sixty . It was as though there were no place for her , that her soul was lost . The dagger would also find itself in new hands across the world before it would end up with Linda in the year 1931 . Dorothy had hardly been able to even touch the snack that her mother had brought up for her . She picked at the food , eating small bites after Tahatan went downstairs to talk to Liz . Dorothy was alone again . Her bedroom was quiet and the faint sounds of Tahatan and Liz 's voices downstairs could be heard . Dorothy couldn 't hear what was being said , but she was able hear the strained tone in her mother 's voice . Occasionally Tahatan would interject his calm , soothing voice but even his had a slight chill to it . Dorothy stared at the telephone on her desk as her mind wandered back to the conversation she had had with her boyfriend earlier . She remembered the irrational thoughts she had about Bernice . Dorothy knew and understood perfectly well that Carl and Bernice were done and that Bernice was now going with Evan . Neither Carl nor Bernice had ever shown any interest or desire to get back together . Dorothy had seen the way Carl looked at her and it was different from the way he had looked at Bernice when they were going together . The way he looked into Dorothy 's eyes was different . The way his eyes were and the way his voice was when he told Dorothy that he loved her . Had he ever told Bernice that he loved her ? They obviously had gone as far as heavy petting … but did they do something more ? Did they go all the way ? Bernice does have a reputation for things like that … ever since freshman year when she did it with a boy from the senior class … and even before freshman year … wasn 't she also going behind the school with boys and - - " Stop it ! " Dorothy said aloud . She brought her fingers to her temples , gently pressing in an attempt to make the negative thoughts disappear . It didn 't matter what happened with Carl and Bernice . That was in the past . But aren 't you even the least bit curious ? a voice from her mind asked her . A voice that caused chills to spread over Dorothy 's body . A voice the sounded like what she imagined the serpent sounded like when he was tempting Eve in the Garden of Eden . " No , " Dorothy answered it , trying to also convince herself that it was so . She then realized what she was doing . Wonderful . Now I 'm actually answering voices in my head . Dorothy turned back to face her doorway where the voices of her mother and Tahatan had quieted down . She could hear her mother moving around in the kitchen , probably beginning to prepare dinner , and assumed that Tahatan had gone back into her father 's den to work on whatever it was he had been working on since early that morning . Dorothy remembered the look in her mother 's eyes before she had exited the room and it had frightened Dorothy . She had never seen her mother regard her with such fear . Terror . Not since you were seven , at least . Now Dorothy sat thinking about what had occurred in her bedroom earlier and Tahatan was doing the same as he paused from the notes he was making in the den . After Liz had exited the room following the incident with the hairbrush , Dorothy sat at her desk with her head in her hands , feeling terrible for dismissing her mother along with fear and confusion over everything . As Dorothy tried to make sense of everything , she felt Tahatan touch her shoulder . " What else is there to say ? ! " she exclaimed raising her back to look at Tahatan . " I 'm going crazy . Pretty soon I 'll be just as much a raving lunatic as Maxine Fleming was … " Dorothy 's voice trailed off as that last thought sunk in . God , I hope that isn 't true … Tahatan was silent . He had wanted to offer Dorothy some words of hope , but at this time , even he wasn 't so sure . He had read of what had happened to the old orphanage 's original owners and knew what he saw and felt up at the property that morning , with Father Louis as a witness . Tahatan also remembered the incident Dorothy had when she was seven and he felt that it , along with what happened to Matthew when he was a boy , all tied together . Then there were his new findings at the library , something that he wouldn 't reveal until after Dorothy had calmed down a little . Tahatan looked back at Dorothy and paused before saying , " I don 't think it 's simple , what is happening here which is why I don 't think you 're going crazy . You and your friends saw and experienced things up there . Father Louis and I both saw something this morning in the woods on that property . If you were going crazy , it would have just been you . " Tahatan nodded and said , " Yes . But I will wait until later to tell you . After you 've eaten something and when your friends are here . That would probably be best . " Dorothy turned back to her desk and managed to force down half of her sandwich . She thought about the two copies of Dr . Faustus and Faust that Tahatan had taken downstairs with him . Dorothy remembered feeling a thrill over stealing the books from the property a couple of nights ago and now , both first edition books had lost a lot of their appeal for her . Then , Dorothy remembered something else . She got up and slowly walked over to her nightstand where her copy of American Ghost Stories sat . She turned to the bookmarked page of Lawrence Livingston 's The Child with the Black Eyes . Her eyes went to the passages that she had underlined with a pencil earlier . She began to read it over again . " To sleep and to dream is to open oneself to a brief chance with death . Nighttime itself is its own separate realm and a time when a person is at his most vulnerable whether he may acknowledge this or not . " " Is it not strange how a man wouldn 't think twice of walking that back road shortcut alone during the day would think it was madness to do so once night fell ? " The passages were almost like a puzzle . Dorothy stood up from being seated on her bed and walked back over to her desk taking the book with her . She sat back down in her desk chair and opened the book up to the passages . She picked up her pencil and on a blank sheet of paper , began to make her own notes . Dorothy had been so engrossed in The Child with the Black Eyes and her research that she barely noticed the hands on her clock hitting 3 : 30pm . Not too far away , school was letting out for the day at Plains High and Carl was headed over . Dorothy was wrenched from her thoughts when Liz yelled up the stairs announcing Carl 's arrival . " Thanks , mom , " Dorothy yelled back , taking extra care to keep her voice sounding cheerful . She was still feeling badly over snapping at her mother and still embarrassed about hanging up on Carl . Her heart pounded hard in her chest as she heard Carl 's footsteps ascending the stairs . She quickly shoved her notes beneath her history textbook and opened the schoolbook to no page in particular and pretended to read and then felt silly for doing so . Why do I feel the need to hide this from Carl ? Dorothy felt Carl 's presence in the doorway . She slowly took her eyes from the textbook and saw him looking in at her from the doorway 's frame wearing that same concerned but timid expression he had on Halloween when her father , mother , and Dr . Ramsay were called after she had passed out . There was something about that look that was vulnerable . Endearing to her . " Hi baby , " he said . They gazed rather uncomfortably at one another . Dorothy could feel Carl 's desire to walk over , gently embrace her , and give her a kiss . But instead , he stood in the doorway , unsure of whether he should move from that spot . Finally , Carl asked , " How are you feeling . " Dorothy sat in silence as her head swam with thoughts . The subject of Bernice was on the tips of both of their tongues as that was when Dorothy began behaving differently toward him . But neither really knew what would be the best way to bring it up . Carl placed a hand on the doorframe , leaning against it and Dorothy thought of how incredibly fetching he looked when he did that . Well , someone has to say something , Carl thought . Then he spoke up . " I 'm sorry about what George said when I was on the phone with you earlier . I had a talk with him about it when we were outside having a smoke before study hall . He wanted me to apologize to you for him , also . " Dorothy looked over to the window and then back at Carl . She had heard what George had said , but she had been so wrapped up in thoughts of Carl and Bernice that she hadn 't really paid much attention . But she forced a small smile and said , " Well , that 's nice . His apology is accepted . " Carl nodded . There was more awkward silence between them . Carl began to speak again . " Dorothy , I … " he began but stopped when he noticed Dorothy bringing a hand to her eyes as tears welled up . Carl shook off the discomfort he felt and walked over to Dorothy , kneeling in front of her and carefully placing a hand on her knee . " Honey , what is it ? What happened ? " he asked . He hated to think that he may be responsible for this as all he wanted to do was make her happy . " I don 't know , " she said . " I really don 't … " She remembered the incident with the hairbrush and how it now sat mockingly on her dresser . And then how she had snapped at her mother . How can I tell him that I think I 'm cracking up ? Besides , he probably already knows that . Dorothy looked at him and thought she could see his own hazel - green eyes beginning to cloud over . It pained her to see him that way even more than the physical injuries she sustained . But there was no way in the long run that Carl would be happy with her . That she was sure of . Dorothy could see desperation in Carl 's eyes . But it 's not just Fleming Orphanage and what happened up there . It 's what 's happening now . What 's happening with me . I 'm not myself … not at all … A small amount of relief crossed Carl 's face and he a little too . " Dorothy , " he said bringing his hand up to rub her arm , " please . Let 's at least talk before making any sudden decisions about our relationship . " Then , he took in a breath . It may cause more conflict but it needs to be addressed . And sooner rather than later . " Is this about Bernice ? " Carl asked . He hoped the question hadn 't come across as too aggressive , but he also knew that they weren 't going to get anywhere unless it was brought up . " Honey , please answer me , " Carl said . " Is this about Bernice ? Because if it is , you know she and I ended our relationship before the end of last school year . She and Evan are going together now and to me they both seem happy with eachother . And I 'm happy with you . " " Yes ! " Carl said , almost exasperated . Then he dropped his voice down . " You think I go around asking every girl I meet to marry me ? " " No , " Dorothy said in a small voice . At least I hope not … Oh God , STOP IT ! ! Dorothy looked at Carl , seeing the sincerity in his eyes . " I don 't know what 's wrong with me , " she said . " Well you had quite a scare , " Carl answered . " Actually I think it 's safe to say that 's putting it mildly . Am I right ? " All Dorothy could do was nod . Then she asked , " Why did you and Bernice break things off ? " There had been the usually rumors among their peers at school about who had broken things off with whom , but Dorothy wanted to hear it from Carl 's mouth . Perhaps it would make her feel a little closure . " Well , " Carl began slowly . Dorothy could hear the hesitance in his voice and it worried her . " I just … wasn 't feeling very fulfilled in the relationship anymore , " Carl said . " I mean , there has to be more to a relationship than . . . " " Then what ? " Dorothy prodded after Carl cut himself off . She could feel her heart pounding and she could see Carl beginning to flush . She knew what he had meant to say and wasn 't sure she wanted to hear it . But I have to . Maybe in some odd way , that will help take away my paranoia … or make it worse … Dorothy remembered Halloween night after the Fleming Orphanage . She remembered lying on her bed with Carl and how he had looked at her . She couldn 't help wondering if he had looked at Bernice that way at one time . Of course he did , a voice told her . But he doesn 't anymore , she thought and she remembered how Carl had touched her . How intimate he had gotten with her . The memory caused a rather aroused shudder to escape down her body . A small smile crossed Carl lips . His beautiful lips . " I think about that often too , " Carl said . " Very often . I do love the way that sweater fits you , by the way . " " Well , " Carl said , " I think she and I were on the same page . Besides , I had the feeling she was developing an interest in Evan . Which was fine . Bernice is a good kid , but I think she and Evan are much better for each other . " Dorothy looked appreciatively at Carl . But there was another look in his eyes that reflected what she was feeling . What really is the real world when one really stops to think about it ? " Dorothy , " Carl said , " we could sit here going through every girl I 've gone with since Betty Ann Smith chased me around the playground in second grade . It doesn 't change how I feel about you . I poured my heart out to you and meant every word . " " I know , " Dorothy said . " I don 't mean to put you through an interrogation . But you 're the first boy I 've ever gone with and I can 't help feeling , well , worried . " Carl didn 't have to ask what she meant by worried . He knew and understood completely . He moved in to put his arms around her waist . " Dorothy , I know I have a history with girls and I hope that isn 't something you would hold against me . I want you if you 'll have me . But that also means understanding that my past is just that . The past . " Carl chuckled . " No honey , it 's fine . I mean , we 're in a relationship so we should be able to be open about things including what happened in the other 's past if one of us should ask . " Dorothy looked to her open door , knowing that her mother and Tahatan were still downstairs . Her father would also be coming home from work in another hour . But she figured a kiss wouldn 't hurt anything . Dorothy nodded and Carl leaned in and gave her lips a soft caress with his . He moved a hand up her back and felt the line of her camisole under the sweater . " I was going to apologize for our being late , " Gail continued . " Linda had to stop at her house to get something . But it seems you two were hardly missing our presence . " " Jimmy and Reginald will be here soon , " Linda said as she and Gail let themselves into Dorothy 's bedroom . They began to unpack their schoolbags , bringing out the schoolwork they had brought for Dorothy . As Linda got out a biology assignment to give to Dorothy , her hand brushed the sheath of the dagger she had stopped by her house to get on the way over to the Blake residence . Tiffany Apan grew up among the thick forests of the Appalachian Mountains in Northeastern Pennsylvania . It was there she began honing artistic abilities and received much of her creative inspiration . A misfit among her peers ( she was the only one in her fifth grade writing class obsessed enough with Vikings and Norwegian mythology to write poems about them ) , Tiffany was highly active in the artistic community in Wilkes - Barre , PA , involving herself in all music , theater , visual arts , and writing . Eventually , she settled quite comfortably into a role films . This also gave way to the release of her music with partner in crime , Jason English . Since then , she has gone on to act in several films and theater productions with starring and supporting roles , release music to critical acclaim , and receive accolades for her writing Hello all , I hope you all are having a great holiday season ! My 40 % discount at my store is still going on until tomorrow . Simply visit h . . . Good morning all ! I am happy to announce that I am part of this book release event , presented by Brain to Books this Sunday . A few of . . . |
My son returned to his home yesterday . It was wonderful having him here for the last two weeks . Since he lives on the other side of the country , I don 't see him too often . It 's good to have him here , he even does some of my projects around the house . One of the best results of his visit is my lesson in life on the internet . This year , he showed me how to list the blogs that I follow . I had previously kept them in my " favorites " , but now they are listed on the right hand side of the screen for all to see . I 've learned that I have very unusual interests . Many of the blogs are written by women who live and work on farms . I find their lives very interesting , sometimes I think I 'd like to live on a farm , or on a ranch , or in the mountains , or in the far north . Then I look around and realize that I 'm really a " city girl " . I don 't like driving in the snow , large animals like horses and cows intimidate me . At times I envy these women and their lives , but I really don 't think I could handle it , but I do admire them . I guess , even though the grass is always greener on the other side , we naturally find our place in life . I 'm sure they would find my quiet life difficult after a few days . While I love the outdoors , I even tried life in the country , but I missed NYC and moved to the suburbs . It 's close enough so I can get into NYC . If I could afford it , I 'd live in Manhattan where you rarely see a tree or mountain and the occasional snow turns black in a day and the biggest animal you see is the occasional police horse or great dane dog . Happy New Year ! Happy New Year to all ! Two years ago today I posted my first blog . I never thought I 'd still be writing two years later . I thought it would be like so many other things I 've tried - lots of fun and interest in the beginning , then indifference as time goes by . For my part , I 've enjoyed writing every word although sometimes I struggled to find something interesting to share . I hope you 've enjoyed it too . I hope to keep writing for many years to come . Have a great 2009 ! A few years ago I started watching QVC . When I saw that Joan Rivers would be there selling her jewelry I decided to tune in . I 've always enjoyed her comedy , at least it would be an enjoyable hour . Then they started taking phone calls . Everyone who called said virtually the same thing . The jewelry is beautiful and I always get compliments on whatever I 'm wearing . All I could think was that these people should get a life , get real . It 's just a necklace or bracelet or watch . Eventually I bought something , then another and another . One day I was having breakfast at a local restaurant and a strange woman came up to me and complimented me on my beautiful necklace . That was the start . Since then , every time I wear a piece of Joan 's jewelry I receive compliments . Now , my friends even look forward to seeing what I am wearing . If they like it , they ask if it 's Joan 's . My answer is always , " yes " . This past week has been one of visiting with various family members . My son came home last week for a nice long visit . On Christmas day we went to visit my niece and her husband . Every year she hosts Christmas for her family . She is one of nine children , but some of them live out of the area , so there were only four of her siblings with their spouses and children and grandchildren , along with her mother . They are a very happy family and it 's always good to see them . Today my niece , her daughter and my nephew came from Long Island . I thought they 'd arrive around 1 : 30 , but they got here at 4 : 00 pm . We had a nice dinner in spite of my dropping the ham and spilling the gravy all over me . Fortunately , it never hit the floor , just the gravy . Then , I almost forgot about the potatoes . I was a little concerned about my niece 's daughter since she 's 7 years old and there were no other children around . I was afraid she 'd get bored . I do have an assortment of coloring books and bought her a gingerbread house to assemble . Her mother and uncle wound up doing most of the work . The day went very well , even the cats were well behaved . That is until Burnie ate some of the leftover salad with the usual digestive upset . Later , he knocked a pitcher of Half & Half over onto the table so he could have a drink . Crash , of course , followed me around . Both are napping now , they 've had a very busy day . I realized that two cats are definitely more trouble than one seven year old girl . It 's Christmas Eve , year 2008 , but it brings back another memory . When I was in high school , I was in the choir . We sang every Sunday at the 10 : 00 AM Mass , and on Christmas we sang at the Midnight Mass . Yes , we were able to have Midnight Mass back then . On Christmas Eve , the choir would arrive early , about 10 : 30 PM and sing until it was time for Mass . It was a wonderful time , the air was cold and crisp . Almost everyone went to Midnight Mass , you would always see someone you knew . At the time I lived within walking distance of church . We would start practicing for Mass about a month before Christmas . We were good . Every time I hear " O Holy Night " I remember those days . I 've had many Christmas Eves since then , they were filled with happy memories too . But there was something special about Midnight Mass . On that note , have a very Merry and Blessed Christmas . I hope you too have very happy memories of Christmas . Today Burnie finally gave in to his curiosity . He had ignored the tunnel long enough . He did what Crash still hasn 't dared to do . It 's true that she takes food from the tunnel , but that 's by sticking her head into a hole in the middle , but she has never gone through the tunnel . But Burnie did . Here he is at the other end and he can 't understand what is the big deal . Doesn 't he look comfy ? I even rolled the tunnel with him in it , he couldn 't care less . If that had been Crash , she would have bolted from the tunnel and been at the other end of the house in less than a second . Christmas brings back many memories . Most recently I 've been thinking about my years at St . Sylvester School in Brooklyn and our Christmas celebration . There was always a play , followed by the Nativity scenes . When everything was over , each student would process with his class to the back of the auditorium where our Pastor , Father Smith , would sit and give each child a box of hard candy . The box was the size of a box of Animal Crackers and the candy was varied . There were some peppermint sticks and some filled with either peanut butter or fruit flavored gel . It 's funny what you remember from childhood . Father Smith was reassigned when I was in 4th or 5th grade , and I don 't remember who gave us our candy after that , although I do know we got it . Last week while watching Dennis Basso on QVC , I saw this beautiful faux fur throw and ordered it . It looked so luxurious that I just had to have it . I could just see myself curling up under it on a cold winter 's night . Little did I know someone else would find it as comfy . It arrived this afternoon and as soon as I unpacked it and spread it over the back of the couch so that the wrinkles would smooth out , Burnie jumped up and promptly went to sleep . I tried covering him with it , thinking it would disturb him , but he never moved . He stayed there until dinner time , then he ate and went back to " his " blanket . I hope he 'll let me use it sometime . This morning when I got up , I declared it to be , " Be kind to hair and face day " ( translation - no blow dryer and no make - up ) That way I wouldn 't be tempted to go out and I could do some wrapping and baking . Last night I started the pfefferneuse , so today I rolled them and put them in the oven . When they were done , I started wrapping , then took a break to watch Joan Rivers on QVC and have lunch . Then I went back to my wrapping . Burnie of course had to see what was going on . I guess he was looking for his Christmas present . After a little while he decided to take his afternoon nap and left me alone . I was able to wrap a few more presents , then Crash had to " help " . That put an end to my wrapping for a while . It 's very hard to wrap presents when a cat is sitting on the tissue paper . I did manage to bake another batch of cookies without any feline help . What is it about Christmas that brings back so many memories , and in my case , all of them good . Today I was remembering the time when I was about six years old . It was Christmas Eve and like all children , I couldn 't sleep . My bed was up against an outside wall of our apartment and I could see the hallway and door of my parents ' bedroom from my bed . I heard a noise and opened my eyes just in time to see Santa Clause leaving my parents ' room . He was carrying a large bag . Our chimney must have been in my parents ' closet . I kept very quiet and pretended to sleep because everyone knows Santa won 't come unless everyone is asleep . The next morning I told anyone who would listen about my discovery . Of course , they were all surprised , they never imagined that the closet held our chimney . Today I went to a surprise party for a friend from elementary school . It 's a milestone birthday . It 's always good to see old friends . It 's also very hard to realize that we 've known each other for so long and share so many memories . We even went to high school together . There was the summer when we were 15 and she started dating the boy who would one day become her husband . We lost track of each other for several years and then through the magic that is the internet , we reconnected . Now it seems that it wasn 't so long ago that we were in school . Then when I was talking with another friend , I saw her brother graduated with a former neighbor who went to the same school as I , only he was a few years behind me . I 've got to get in touch with him . I always knew there was something good about him . When I got home , there was a Christmas from my old boss and my favorite boss . She wrote a short note filling me in on this past year . She 's been very busy changing jobs and traveling . Yes , it 's been a good day to reconnect with old friends . Today a group of us from our community went to lunch and a show in Pennsylvania , specifically in Lancaster County which is Amish country . Our lunch was a buffet and delicious . There was every kind of food to suit every taste . After lunch we drove to the Living Waters Theater which is a branch of the Sight & Sound Theaters . Our show was called " The Voices of Christmas " . They did an assortment of Christmas Carols , and gave background information on some of them . They did mention something that I had not thought of . It seems that the phrase , " Happy Holidays " comes from the old English , " Happy Holyday " . I wonder if the politically correct crowd that wants to eliminate " Merry Christmas " realizes that they are actually wishing us a " Happy Holyday " . Yesterday our photography club took a roadtrip to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania . These gardens were once a working farm owned by Pierre duPont . He transformed the farm into these gardens with fountains and year round displays of flowers , plants and trees . The Christmas display is wonderful . There were pointsettias everywhere and many decorated trees , some with decorations and ornaments done by children at various schools in the area . While the flowers were beautiful and like nothing I 've seen before , I was disappointed in my work . My subjects were spectacular , but none of my pictures rate a " wow " from me . This is my favorite picture . All of the plants in the area were filled with these little white flowers . Then I saw a little red . I zoomed in on the plant and saw there was just one little red flower . We stayed around until it started to get dark . At dusk they light all the trees and it is beautiful . They even arranged several lights in the shape of snowflakes and hung them high in the larger trees . It was quite impressive . Some of my night photography needs work , but then some of it comes out OK . They also set up a cranberry " bog " in one of the buildings . I 'm sure it 's even better in the Spring and Summer . I can 't wait until we do another trip . For as long as I can remember , on the day after Thanksgiving , my father would buy the first quart of egg nog of the season . I always looked forward to it . As an adult , I 've followed this tradition . This year , for some reason , I didn 't buy my egg nog until this past Sunday . After I put my groceries away I sat down with my long - awaited glass of egg nog . As I took my first sip I let it linger in my mouth so I could savor the flavor . I don 't know why , but it was different from other years . I can 't quite describe the difference , but there is one and not a good one . It didn 't seem quite as creamy and thick . It is a different brand , but I didn 't think that would make such a difference . Hopefully , that 's the problem . I 'd hate to think I 've lost my taste for egg nog . It 's part of my tradition . Today while I was decorating the tree I was reminded of four Christmas ' ago when I had just moved into my new home . A cousin whose artistic and decorating talents I have always admired went shopping with me and suggested that since my home was new , I should get a new Christmas tree and decorate in a new way . She suggested a color combination of deep red and silver . We also bought some elegant new decorations . I was all for the idea , I bought different sized ornaments in the colors she suggested . I even tied ribbons on them instead of using ornament hangers . The red ornaments had silver ribbons and the silver had red ribbons . It was supposed to be a beautiful and modern tree . Then I started to unpack my ornaments . There was the Wise Man on a Camel that my parents bought for our first tree after we got married and the ornaments my husband and I bought for our first tree . Then there were the yarn dolls I made for my son 's first Christmas and the balls with Hummel pictures inside that were given to my younger son for his Baptism . Of course , there were all the ornaments that the boys painted and the ones we collected over the years . And the ornaments that haved survived from my parents ' tree . Ohh , the memories , I couldn 't not put them on the tree . I now have three trees ( 1 large in the living room , and 1 small in each bedroom ) and am thinking about a 4th . The new ornaments were put on the back of the tree and all my old favorites got honored places in front where I could see them . Sorry Rita , but happy memories and love take precedence over modernity and sophistication . I 'm writing this tonight as a form of public apology to Burnie , both for the things I 've said about him and the things I 've done to him . I 've often complained , but that 's because he 's a very curious cat and into everything . He gives the impression that he 's not too bright , but I 'm beginning to change my opinion of him . Here 's some background on my latest project with him . I 'm a great fan of Daisy The Curly Cat . She has a blog ( http : / / daisythecurlycat . blogspot . com / ) if you would like to read it . If you can 't connect , just copy and paste the link . At least once a week she is dressed in some new outfit , sometimes a fancy hat or a skirt or a shirt . The other day I saw a pretty ruffled collar in red and green and a hat with red antlers that I thought would be fun to put on the cats for Christmas . Crash wanted no part of it . She wouldn 't even let me near her with the collar , not to mention the hat . Burnie was sleeping in a box of books , so I woke him up and put the hat on him . He doesn 't look pleased , but at least I had no trouble putting it on , even when it slid over one eye . Or both eyes . Then he let me put the collar on him , again he doesn 't look pleased , or is he embarrassed . I left him like that and he went back to sleep until it was time for his nap on the couch . He is the calmest , gentlest and kindest cat I have ever known . And believe me I 've had a lot of cats in the last 40 or so years . Here it is December 3 and I haven 't started my Christmas decorating . This morning I decided that I would start NOW . I retrieved the lights from the garage and surprise , surprise , they worked . I even found the tape to tape them onto the windows ( from the inside of course ) . Then the trouble started . I got the stepstool , put it in front of the dining room window , walked away for just a minute to get something . Then I realized that I hadn 't locked Burnie up and he was already sitting on the top step . Boy , he 's fast . I finally got him back on the floor and started taping the lights . I couldn 't keep the pieces of tape straight , they kept curling , either around my finger or sealing on the wire before I put the lights against the window . The next problem came when I tried peeling the tape off the wire , my nails were getting in the way . I finally have been able to let me nails grow and I 'm not used to doing things with nails . After about a half hour I decided to stop and do the windows tomorrow . I put some of the other decorations around the house and went out later to get some suction cup hangers for the lights . Of course when I wanted to put some candles out , I discovered that I didn 't have enough , so I had to stop and order some . I did make some progress and hopefully tomorrow will be much easier . It all started yesterday with a gentle soft chirping every hour or so . Then it became every half hour , then fifteen minutes or so . Since I had heard that some in our community were having trouble with their smoke detectors ' batteries , I assumed that was the problem . I have very high ceilings so I wondered how I could change the battery . First I would have to lock up Burnie , then get on the ladder and check the type of battery , then see if I had a spare . I tried to ignore the chirping and wait until Christmas and have my son take care of it . But after hearing it several times during the night , I decided it couldn 't wait . Then I thought the sound was coming from my TV remote . I took the remote to the other end of the house , but it never chirped . It had to be the smoke detector . Darn . Later I went to the Clubhouse and while I was there , my pocketbook started chirping . I guess it wasn 't the smoke detector after all . Now what could it be ? I thought that the only battery operated gadget I had with me was the remote for my car keys . I had to listen to the chirping all afternoon . Since my remote was new , I really couldn 't understand why the batery was dying . I was about to switch key remotes when I saw that I had another battery operated gadget in my pocketbook - my cell phone . I took it out of my pocketbook and saw that the battery was low , then it chirped confirming that this was the culprit . I 'm charging the battery now and all is quiet . Ahh , the sweet sound of silence . Tonight when I went out to get the mail I looked up at the sky and saw two very bright stars and a crescent moon . I immediately went to Google to check it out and searched " night sky " . This sent me to Fox News ' , " Australians See Smiley Face in Night Sky " . It 's quite an interesting article . The stars are Venus and Jupiter , and of course , the crescent is the moon . They were the brightest lights in the sky . If , however , we were down under in Australia , they would have looked like a smile . Instead , because we 're on the other side of the equator , if you bend your head to the right , you see a frown . After living the greater part of my life in Queens in NYC , I decided to try country life . I bought the " money pit " , then decided to retire to a 55 + community in New Jersey . I 'm learning so many things about myself and trying so many new things . I always said I was a late bloomer . But I will always be a New Yorker and proud of it . My interests include reading , travel , photography , writing , cooking , crafts . My tastes in music are as varied as Beethoven , Mantovani , country , classical , ' 50 's and rock . I 'm interested in enough books to fill Alexandria . I 'd love to hear from my old friends from St . Sylvester 's Elementary School . - - Cathy Wagner Monroe My maternal Grandparents had an auction sale a long time ago . Grandpa was going to be 90 years old that July and was done farming . I kept an auction b . . . I am late today ! Very late ! You see my morning raced by in the wind ( DO NOT PROCEED THE PHOTOS BELOW ARE HIDEOUS ! ! ! ) Our oldest daughter called saying sh . . . Well , I did it . I finally decided to audition for a reality cooking show in Dallas , Texas in early 2016 . It was for a show that is on mainstream network T . . . * Anyone a fan of the " Flip or Flop " or " Fixer Upper " shows on HGTV ? ( I swear , if I hear " Oh Wow " one more time I 'm gonna slap someone . ) They make all the r . . . ( Probably an all too honest post . I apologize , kind of , in advance . ) 90 years . That 's a lot of years . Dad had his 90th birthday this week . We had a party , . . . Happy Easter Everyone ! ! I 've been taking a little break from blogging , but I should be back to posting again soon . In the meantime , I hope you enjoy this p . . . Well children , pack up your bags and let 's get going . It 's time to leave this lovely home that I have been in since June 2006 . We are going to a nice new h . . . MortyDo I really have to tell you how many days the feather duster has been sitting in this chair ? ? FINE . . . five days , happy now ? ? FIVE DAYS . . . Yes , it 's been almost a year since I 've last posted here . I 've been distracted for many reasons , and time seems to be moving by at warp speed . I have a lot . . . Our poor cat . Really , his life teeters on the thin line between well loved and SPCA report . Avery carries him , feeds him ( forcefully ) , dresses him , and ( at . . . |
My son returned to his home yesterday . It was wonderful having him here for the last two weeks . Since he lives on the other side of the country , I don 't see him too often . It 's good to have him here , he even does some of my projects around the house . One of the best results of his visit is my lesson in life on the internet . This year , he showed me how to list the blogs that I follow . I had previously kept them in my " favorites " , but now they are listed on the right hand side of the screen for all to see . I 've learned that I have very unusual interests . Many of the blogs are written by women who live and work on farms . I find their lives very interesting , sometimes I think I 'd like to live on a farm , or on a ranch , or in the mountains , or in the far north . Then I look around and realize that I 'm really a " city girl " . I don 't like driving in the snow , large animals like horses and cows intimidate me . At times I envy these women and their lives , but I really don 't think I could handle it , but I do admire them . I guess , even though the grass is always greener on the other side , we naturally find our place in life . I 'm sure they would find my quiet life difficult after a few days . While I love the outdoors , I even tried life in the country , but I missed NYC and moved to the suburbs . It 's close enough so I can get into NYC . If I could afford it , I 'd live in Manhattan where you rarely see a tree or mountain and the occasional snow turns black in a day and the biggest animal you see is the occasional police horse or great dane dog . Happy New Year ! Happy New Year to all ! Two years ago today I posted my first blog . I never thought I 'd still be writing two years later . I thought it would be like so many other things I 've tried - lots of fun and interest in the beginning , then indifference as time goes by . For my part , I 've enjoyed writing every word although sometimes I struggled to find something interesting to share . I hope you 've enjoyed it too . I hope to keep writing for many years to come . Have a great 2009 ! A few years ago I started watching QVC . When I saw that Joan Rivers would be there selling her jewelry I decided to tune in . I 've always enjoyed her comedy , at least it would be an enjoyable hour . Then they started taking phone calls . Everyone who called said virtually the same thing . The jewelry is beautiful and I always get compliments on whatever I 'm wearing . All I could think was that these people should get a life , get real . It 's just a necklace or bracelet or watch . Eventually I bought something , then another and another . One day I was having breakfast at a local restaurant and a strange woman came up to me and complimented me on my beautiful necklace . That was the start . Since then , every time I wear a piece of Joan 's jewelry I receive compliments . Now , my friends even look forward to seeing what I am wearing . If they like it , they ask if it 's Joan 's . My answer is always , " yes " . This past week has been one of visiting with various family members . My son came home last week for a nice long visit . On Christmas day we went to visit my niece and her husband . Every year she hosts Christmas for her family . She is one of nine children , but some of them live out of the area , so there were only four of her siblings with their spouses and children and grandchildren , along with her mother . They are a very happy family and it 's always good to see them . Today my niece , her daughter and my nephew came from Long Island . I thought they 'd arrive around 1 : 30 , but they got here at 4 : 00 pm . We had a nice dinner in spite of my dropping the ham and spilling the gravy all over me . Fortunately , it never hit the floor , just the gravy . Then , I almost forgot about the potatoes . I was a little concerned about my niece 's daughter since she 's 7 years old and there were no other children around . I was afraid she 'd get bored . I do have an assortment of coloring books and bought her a gingerbread house to assemble . Her mother and uncle wound up doing most of the work . The day went very well , even the cats were well behaved . That is until Burnie ate some of the leftover salad with the usual digestive upset . Later , he knocked a pitcher of Half & Half over onto the table so he could have a drink . Crash , of course , followed me around . Both are napping now , they 've had a very busy day . I realized that two cats are definitely more trouble than one seven year old girl . It 's Christmas Eve , year 2008 , but it brings back another memory . When I was in high school , I was in the choir . We sang every Sunday at the 10 : 00 AM Mass , and on Christmas we sang at the Midnight Mass . Yes , we were able to have Midnight Mass back then . On Christmas Eve , the choir would arrive early , about 10 : 30 PM and sing until it was time for Mass . It was a wonderful time , the air was cold and crisp . Almost everyone went to Midnight Mass , you would always see someone you knew . At the time I lived within walking distance of church . We would start practicing for Mass about a month before Christmas . We were good . Every time I hear " O Holy Night " I remember those days . I 've had many Christmas Eves since then , they were filled with happy memories too . But there was something special about Midnight Mass . On that note , have a very Merry and Blessed Christmas . I hope you too have very happy memories of Christmas . Today Burnie finally gave in to his curiosity . He had ignored the tunnel long enough . He did what Crash still hasn 't dared to do . It 's true that she takes food from the tunnel , but that 's by sticking her head into a hole in the middle , but she has never gone through the tunnel . But Burnie did . Here he is at the other end and he can 't understand what is the big deal . Doesn 't he look comfy ? I even rolled the tunnel with him in it , he couldn 't care less . If that had been Crash , she would have bolted from the tunnel and been at the other end of the house in less than a second . Christmas brings back many memories . Most recently I 've been thinking about my years at St . Sylvester School in Brooklyn and our Christmas celebration . There was always a play , followed by the Nativity scenes . When everything was over , each student would process with his class to the back of the auditorium where our Pastor , Father Smith , would sit and give each child a box of hard candy . The box was the size of a box of Animal Crackers and the candy was varied . There were some peppermint sticks and some filled with either peanut butter or fruit flavored gel . It 's funny what you remember from childhood . Father Smith was reassigned when I was in 4th or 5th grade , and I don 't remember who gave us our candy after that , although I do know we got it . Last week while watching Dennis Basso on QVC , I saw this beautiful faux fur throw and ordered it . It looked so luxurious that I just had to have it . I could just see myself curling up under it on a cold winter 's night . Little did I know someone else would find it as comfy . It arrived this afternoon and as soon as I unpacked it and spread it over the back of the couch so that the wrinkles would smooth out , Burnie jumped up and promptly went to sleep . I tried covering him with it , thinking it would disturb him , but he never moved . He stayed there until dinner time , then he ate and went back to " his " blanket . I hope he 'll let me use it sometime . This morning when I got up , I declared it to be , " Be kind to hair and face day " ( translation - no blow dryer and no make - up ) That way I wouldn 't be tempted to go out and I could do some wrapping and baking . Last night I started the pfefferneuse , so today I rolled them and put them in the oven . When they were done , I started wrapping , then took a break to watch Joan Rivers on QVC and have lunch . Then I went back to my wrapping . Burnie of course had to see what was going on . I guess he was looking for his Christmas present . After a little while he decided to take his afternoon nap and left me alone . I was able to wrap a few more presents , then Crash had to " help " . That put an end to my wrapping for a while . It 's very hard to wrap presents when a cat is sitting on the tissue paper . I did manage to bake another batch of cookies without any feline help . What is it about Christmas that brings back so many memories , and in my case , all of them good . Today I was remembering the time when I was about six years old . It was Christmas Eve and like all children , I couldn 't sleep . My bed was up against an outside wall of our apartment and I could see the hallway and door of my parents ' bedroom from my bed . I heard a noise and opened my eyes just in time to see Santa Clause leaving my parents ' room . He was carrying a large bag . Our chimney must have been in my parents ' closet . I kept very quiet and pretended to sleep because everyone knows Santa won 't come unless everyone is asleep . The next morning I told anyone who would listen about my discovery . Of course , they were all surprised , they never imagined that the closet held our chimney . Today I went to a surprise party for a friend from elementary school . It 's a milestone birthday . It 's always good to see old friends . It 's also very hard to realize that we 've known each other for so long and share so many memories . We even went to high school together . There was the summer when we were 15 and she started dating the boy who would one day become her husband . We lost track of each other for several years and then through the magic that is the internet , we reconnected . Now it seems that it wasn 't so long ago that we were in school . Then when I was talking with another friend , I saw her brother graduated with a former neighbor who went to the same school as I , only he was a few years behind me . I 've got to get in touch with him . I always knew there was something good about him . When I got home , there was a Christmas from my old boss and my favorite boss . She wrote a short note filling me in on this past year . She 's been very busy changing jobs and traveling . Yes , it 's been a good day to reconnect with old friends . Today a group of us from our community went to lunch and a show in Pennsylvania , specifically in Lancaster County which is Amish country . Our lunch was a buffet and delicious . There was every kind of food to suit every taste . After lunch we drove to the Living Waters Theater which is a branch of the Sight & Sound Theaters . Our show was called " The Voices of Christmas " . They did an assortment of Christmas Carols , and gave background information on some of them . They did mention something that I had not thought of . It seems that the phrase , " Happy Holidays " comes from the old English , " Happy Holyday " . I wonder if the politically correct crowd that wants to eliminate " Merry Christmas " realizes that they are actually wishing us a " Happy Holyday " . Yesterday our photography club took a roadtrip to Longwood Gardens in Pennsylvania . These gardens were once a working farm owned by Pierre duPont . He transformed the farm into these gardens with fountains and year round displays of flowers , plants and trees . The Christmas display is wonderful . There were pointsettias everywhere and many decorated trees , some with decorations and ornaments done by children at various schools in the area . While the flowers were beautiful and like nothing I 've seen before , I was disappointed in my work . My subjects were spectacular , but none of my pictures rate a " wow " from me . This is my favorite picture . All of the plants in the area were filled with these little white flowers . Then I saw a little red . I zoomed in on the plant and saw there was just one little red flower . We stayed around until it started to get dark . At dusk they light all the trees and it is beautiful . They even arranged several lights in the shape of snowflakes and hung them high in the larger trees . It was quite impressive . Some of my night photography needs work , but then some of it comes out OK . They also set up a cranberry " bog " in one of the buildings . I 'm sure it 's even better in the Spring and Summer . I can 't wait until we do another trip . For as long as I can remember , on the day after Thanksgiving , my father would buy the first quart of egg nog of the season . I always looked forward to it . As an adult , I 've followed this tradition . This year , for some reason , I didn 't buy my egg nog until this past Sunday . After I put my groceries away I sat down with my long - awaited glass of egg nog . As I took my first sip I let it linger in my mouth so I could savor the flavor . I don 't know why , but it was different from other years . I can 't quite describe the difference , but there is one and not a good one . It didn 't seem quite as creamy and thick . It is a different brand , but I didn 't think that would make such a difference . Hopefully , that 's the problem . I 'd hate to think I 've lost my taste for egg nog . It 's part of my tradition . Today while I was decorating the tree I was reminded of four Christmas ' ago when I had just moved into my new home . A cousin whose artistic and decorating talents I have always admired went shopping with me and suggested that since my home was new , I should get a new Christmas tree and decorate in a new way . She suggested a color combination of deep red and silver . We also bought some elegant new decorations . I was all for the idea , I bought different sized ornaments in the colors she suggested . I even tied ribbons on them instead of using ornament hangers . The red ornaments had silver ribbons and the silver had red ribbons . It was supposed to be a beautiful and modern tree . Then I started to unpack my ornaments . There was the Wise Man on a Camel that my parents bought for our first tree after we got married and the ornaments my husband and I bought for our first tree . Then there were the yarn dolls I made for my son 's first Christmas and the balls with Hummel pictures inside that were given to my younger son for his Baptism . Of course , there were all the ornaments that the boys painted and the ones we collected over the years . And the ornaments that haved survived from my parents ' tree . Ohh , the memories , I couldn 't not put them on the tree . I now have three trees ( 1 large in the living room , and 1 small in each bedroom ) and am thinking about a 4th . The new ornaments were put on the back of the tree and all my old favorites got honored places in front where I could see them . Sorry Rita , but happy memories and love take precedence over modernity and sophistication . I 'm writing this tonight as a form of public apology to Burnie , both for the things I 've said about him and the things I 've done to him . I 've often complained , but that 's because he 's a very curious cat and into everything . He gives the impression that he 's not too bright , but I 'm beginning to change my opinion of him . Here 's some background on my latest project with him . I 'm a great fan of Daisy The Curly Cat . She has a blog ( http : / / daisythecurlycat . blogspot . com / ) if you would like to read it . If you can 't connect , just copy and paste the link . At least once a week she is dressed in some new outfit , sometimes a fancy hat or a skirt or a shirt . The other day I saw a pretty ruffled collar in red and green and a hat with red antlers that I thought would be fun to put on the cats for Christmas . Crash wanted no part of it . She wouldn 't even let me near her with the collar , not to mention the hat . Burnie was sleeping in a box of books , so I woke him up and put the hat on him . He doesn 't look pleased , but at least I had no trouble putting it on , even when it slid over one eye . Or both eyes . Then he let me put the collar on him , again he doesn 't look pleased , or is he embarrassed . I left him like that and he went back to sleep until it was time for his nap on the couch . He is the calmest , gentlest and kindest cat I have ever known . And believe me I 've had a lot of cats in the last 40 or so years . Here it is December 3 and I haven 't started my Christmas decorating . This morning I decided that I would start NOW . I retrieved the lights from the garage and surprise , surprise , they worked . I even found the tape to tape them onto the windows ( from the inside of course ) . Then the trouble started . I got the stepstool , put it in front of the dining room window , walked away for just a minute to get something . Then I realized that I hadn 't locked Burnie up and he was already sitting on the top step . Boy , he 's fast . I finally got him back on the floor and started taping the lights . I couldn 't keep the pieces of tape straight , they kept curling , either around my finger or sealing on the wire before I put the lights against the window . The next problem came when I tried peeling the tape off the wire , my nails were getting in the way . I finally have been able to let me nails grow and I 'm not used to doing things with nails . After about a half hour I decided to stop and do the windows tomorrow . I put some of the other decorations around the house and went out later to get some suction cup hangers for the lights . Of course when I wanted to put some candles out , I discovered that I didn 't have enough , so I had to stop and order some . I did make some progress and hopefully tomorrow will be much easier . It all started yesterday with a gentle soft chirping every hour or so . Then it became every half hour , then fifteen minutes or so . Since I had heard that some in our community were having trouble with their smoke detectors ' batteries , I assumed that was the problem . I have very high ceilings so I wondered how I could change the battery . First I would have to lock up Burnie , then get on the ladder and check the type of battery , then see if I had a spare . I tried to ignore the chirping and wait until Christmas and have my son take care of it . But after hearing it several times during the night , I decided it couldn 't wait . Then I thought the sound was coming from my TV remote . I took the remote to the other end of the house , but it never chirped . It had to be the smoke detector . Darn . Later I went to the Clubhouse and while I was there , my pocketbook started chirping . I guess it wasn 't the smoke detector after all . Now what could it be ? I thought that the only battery operated gadget I had with me was the remote for my car keys . I had to listen to the chirping all afternoon . Since my remote was new , I really couldn 't understand why the batery was dying . I was about to switch key remotes when I saw that I had another battery operated gadget in my pocketbook - my cell phone . I took it out of my pocketbook and saw that the battery was low , then it chirped confirming that this was the culprit . I 'm charging the battery now and all is quiet . Ahh , the sweet sound of silence . Tonight when I went out to get the mail I looked up at the sky and saw two very bright stars and a crescent moon . I immediately went to Google to check it out and searched " night sky " . This sent me to Fox News ' , " Australians See Smiley Face in Night Sky " . It 's quite an interesting article . The stars are Venus and Jupiter , and of course , the crescent is the moon . They were the brightest lights in the sky . If , however , we were down under in Australia , they would have looked like a smile . Instead , because we 're on the other side of the equator , if you bend your head to the right , you see a frown . After living the greater part of my life in Queens in NYC , I decided to try country life . I bought the " money pit " , then decided to retire to a 55 + community in New Jersey . I 'm learning so many things about myself and trying so many new things . I always said I was a late bloomer . But I will always be a New Yorker and proud of it . My interests include reading , travel , photography , writing , cooking , crafts . My tastes in music are as varied as Beethoven , Mantovani , country , classical , ' 50 's and rock . I 'm interested in enough books to fill Alexandria . I 'd love to hear from my old friends from St . Sylvester 's Elementary School . - - Cathy Wagner Monroe My maternal Grandparents had an auction sale a long time ago . Grandpa was going to be 90 years old that July and was done farming . I kept an auction b . . . I am late today ! Very late ! You see my morning raced by in the wind ( DO NOT PROCEED THE PHOTOS BELOW ARE HIDEOUS ! ! ! ) Our oldest daughter called saying sh . . . Well , I did it . I finally decided to audition for a reality cooking show in Dallas , Texas in early 2016 . It was for a show that is on mainstream network T . . . * Anyone a fan of the " Flip or Flop " or " Fixer Upper " shows on HGTV ? ( I swear , if I hear " Oh Wow " one more time I 'm gonna slap someone . ) They make all the r . . . ( Probably an all too honest post . I apologize , kind of , in advance . ) 90 years . That 's a lot of years . Dad had his 90th birthday this week . We had a party , . . . Happy Easter Everyone ! ! I 've been taking a little break from blogging , but I should be back to posting again soon . In the meantime , I hope you enjoy this p . . . Well children , pack up your bags and let 's get going . It 's time to leave this lovely home that I have been in since June 2006 . We are going to a nice new h . . . MortyDo I really have to tell you how many days the feather duster has been sitting in this chair ? ? FINE . . . five days , happy now ? ? FIVE DAYS . . . Yes , it 's been almost a year since I 've last posted here . I 've been distracted for many reasons , and time seems to be moving by at warp speed . I have a lot . . . Our poor cat . Really , his life teeters on the thin line between well loved and SPCA report . Avery carries him , feeds him ( forcefully ) , dresses him , and ( at . . . |
My mom bought this toy for the boys , about a year before they actually arrived home . This little box has different kinds of locks on each door . It is great for practicing fine motor skills and also some thinking skills . They also love putting things in the box and taking them out again . We are currently storing a few wooden blocks in the box , as the entire bag of blocks are too many for them ( and me ) to deal with right now . I finally took some bathtub pictures . Both boys have always loved playing in the bathtub . When we were in Russia , I got in first , along with all of the toys and they loved it . I could tell that without me and the toys , they might have been scared at first but they are just fine now and they have a ball in the tub . We have also never had an issue getting them out of the tub . By the time the water cools , they are normally ready to get out . Nck playing with Megablocks . He can now put more than two together , although I think he likes taking them apart more than putting them together . I have seen both boys focus on a particular toy / task for longer periods of time lately . Ben spent quite a bit of time last night , trying to figure out some of the locks on the lock box . He had an audience / cheering crowd , which probably encouraged him to stick with it longer . Aren 't families just the most wonderful thing ? ? Since this week is spring break week around here , two of my nieces , who are juniors in high school , and my sister have been here for a visit . They only live about an hour and a half from us but it is so nice to have them here for overnight visits and get to spend more time with them . My two nieces came on Sunday afternoon . One stayed through this morning and the other through yesterday afternoon . My sister , who is mother to one of the nieces , came on Tuesday and left this morning . My nieces wanted to do some shopping , so my sister watched the boys while I took the girls shopping . I was also able to use this time to exchange some clothes we had received as shower gifts that were too big for the boys , so that was helpful . The girls also helped take care of the boys , cook and clean up , as did my sister . I 'm afraid they really spoiled me while they were here and I loved every minute of it ! They fixed dinner two days in a row and last night they had everything completely cleaned up before I even finished helping the boys . My sister also went with me yesterday to take the boys for their hearing test . Since we were just two or three blocks from the medical clinic , we also took them by there to have another round of shots , which was not fun at all . Benjamin only had to have one but Nicholas had to have four and I was ready to cry with him . The lady is really fast about giving them though , so it is pretty much over before they finish taking the first really big breath to cry . I was so glad my sister was with me though . First of all during the hearing test , she played with one child while I was with the other in the sound booth . And then , during the shots , she took one child into the hall and walked around with him , with the other got the shot ( s ) . Our next shot visit will be at the end of May , when they will each get two more , I think . As for the hearing test , Nicholas tested out fine but Benjamin was a bit inconsistent in his testing so they want him to come back and do it again with an auditory specialist . One of the tests indicated that both boys have water behind the ear drum in at least one ear , so we need to retest for that also at a later date . We are hopeful this is just due to recent colds . My husband and I even got to sneak out and go to a movie one night , which was really nice . That 's the first time the two of us have gone anywhere without the boys , except for church service , since they came home . We both enjoy going to the movies a lot and did that often before the boys came home so it was a nice treat for us . We saw the movie " Amazing Grace " , which was really good . We both enjoyed it a lot . The boys did great when we were gone . I was a little worried about them because it was the first time someone else put them down to bed but they didn 't seem to miss a beat . I am interested to see how they behave now that everyone is gone . I notice when everyone is here the boys gets tons of attention and love but a lot less discipline . On the one hand , they don 't require quite as much anyway because they are getting lots of positive attention but , on the other hand , they don 't receive as much correction for things , such as throwing toys , when people are here because I may not see the behavior or I am not paying as much attention because I am visiting or something . Hopefully they will respond quickly and we will pick right back up where we left off before we had company . They really are pretty well behaved most of the time but we are still working on consistently handling temper tantrums , throwing , occasional hitting and the new thing that came up yesterday , biting ! I was shocked . Nick bit Ben when they were sitting in the stroller , waiting for their turn for shots . Ben had Nick 's sandal and Nick wanted it back so he bit Ben on the hand and left teeth marks . He didn 't break the skin , thankfully , but I know it hurt and Ben cried . That was a first so I will be watching for that again and making sure I correct that behavior , while teaching the proper response . I was shocked because I had seen both boys " mouthing " each other before , where they put their mouth on the other 's arm or head or something and leave slobber but neither of them had ever bitten the other one . So when I saw Nick with his mouth on Ben 's hand , Our mom has told us that our brother Kenny had a biting issue when he was little and went through a stage where he would bite my sister often . But still , I was so surprised at the behavior . I just wasn 't prepared for it at all . Anyway , like I said , it was a first and I will be watching for it in the future . One evening , while my family was here , we were all eating at the kitchen table and the boys were in their highchairs . My husband was feeding Nick and I was feeding Ben and the boys also had some cheerios handy because we frequently give them a few while we are doing final prep for the meal . It was the end of the meal and Nick was playing with and eating his last few cheerios . He handed one to my husband , who opened his mouth and let Nick put it in his mouth , which Nick enjoyed . But it was the last cheerio , except for the one he was chewing in his mouth . So Nick promptly put his finger in his mouth and dug out the half - eaten cheerio and then wanted to put it in daddy 's mouth . It was quite funny and everyone laughed . Well , we all had a fun time with our family and it will be quiet around here now . We are very thankful they are so close by and the boys enjoy their company so much . I am also very thankful that the boys are so comfortable with my sister taking care of them and babysitting for us . She is really wonderful with children and she really knows how to entertain them well and keep them laughing . It is a joy to watch her with them and I always learn a lot from her . This coming Sunday , two days from now , will be two months since we picked up our sons from the orphanage in Volgograd Russia ( 1 / 18 / 07 ) . At that time , Nicholas was 14 months old and Benjamin was 15 . 5 months old . They are now approximately 16 months and 17 . 5 months old , respectively . It is amazing at how much they have changed in just two months . Here is a picture of Ben today , almost two months later . This is the best picture I could get of him today but , I 'm telling you , this kid has one of the most charming smiles you will ever see . Everyone comments on it , in addition to his big , beautiful , brown eyes . He has a beautiful smile and he is a beautiful child . Two months ago , he would hardly play with a toy and would be more likely to throw it down or drop it quickly if you handed him something . He immediately pushed any food that was placed on his highchair tray to the floor and could not feed himself at all . In fact , he never , ever brought anything to his mouth to chew on , except for his finger sometimes . Anytime he was frustrated or angry about something , he would hit himself and sometimes he would try to hit us . He could crawl but he could not walk . He could pull up but was not very good at cruising and didn 't show much interest in it . When he did pull up , he did not stand for very long . He did not babble a whole lot and could not say any words . He can now feed himself finger food very well and he also chews on toys . He hardly ever throws anything in the floor when he is eating in his highchair and he never hits anyone anymore , including himself . He is now walking pretty well and spends a good part of his waking hours walking all around the house . He has become more assertive and he no longer lets Nick take away his toys . He now babbles all the time and he says momma , dada , kitty , all done and he tries to say many other words . He is still behind with his communication but catching up quickly . And here is an up to date picture of Nick . He has an adorable smile too . . . maybe a bit impish . . . he is a little imp . He is also a beautiful child . . . do you think I might be just a bit biased ? Two months ago , Nick was pretty much on track developmentally and was actually ahead in some areas . He is still pretty much on track developmentally but also behind with his receptive communication skills . His latest interest is talking on the phone . He was holding a block to his ear the other day and saying something that sounded much like " hello " . When the phone rings he also says something that sounds much like " hello " . If I am busy and don 't answer the phone , they both look at me expectantly , like I should be answering it . They both love to listen as someone talks to them over the phone , especially when daddy calls . Nick is also now starting to run a little bit and loves climbing all over the furniture . He can say quite a few words and tries to say many more that are hard to recognize . He understands so much more of what we say as each week goes by , it is amazing . He knows where we keep the drinks and snacks and will point to the fridge or cabinet when he wants something . They are both pretty smart little guys and we are enjoying this time of learning about their developing personalities . I was looking at some of the old pictures and it is amazing at how much they have filled out since they have been home . Their faces were so much thinner in the earlier pictures and I can really tell a difference in their little thighs . They have a bit of meat there now , almost a little bit of a chub . . . . much more normal looking . Two months ago they were skin and bone . . . . sometimes not : ) . Actually , times like this are pretty rare , for now anyway . This type of behavior is more likely to happen when they are playing very close to each other and they accidentally fall into or onto each other and / or they are wanting to play with the same toy . They normally stop before I have to intervene but sometimes I have to firmly tell them to stop . Nick tends to enjoy sitting on or rolling on top of Ben and Ben doesn 't care for that too much . They keep me very busy but I love it . Nick woke up an hour before Ben did yesterday and so it was just the two of us for a little while . This happens at times and I relish the individual time with each of them when it does , although it seems so quiet when one is awake and the other is still sleeping and the one who is awake seems a little lost without his brother around . They will each come to me at different times during play time and want to be held and cuddled . It is obvious they really enjoy it and they seek it out often . They both know how to " give mommy a kiss " and also " give mommy a hug " now and it simply warms my heart . They think it is so funny . They are so sweet and cute and hugable ! They are both still eating well , although Nick is a bit pickier than Ben and Ben definitely eats more . They are both still sleeping well , although I think they really might be ready to go to one nap soon . I am very torn on this . On days when they only have one nap , they are so cranky . There are some days when they sleep very well during both of their naps but then there are other days when Ben does not . . . like today . I really think that Nick needs a bit more sleep than Ben does right now but , selfishly , I really want to keep them on the same schedule . When they don 't get enough sleep , they tend to misbehave more , which none of us enjoys . At night , they both sleep very well . We have never had to go to them at night , other than one night . I think it was the second night they were home and N woke up screaming that scared cry around 10 : 00pm or 10 : 30pm . I went to him that night but we have never had to go to them other than that . Yes , this is a miracle and we are very blessed with good sleepers , for now . I have been trying to think of any behaviors they display that might be indicative of orphanage behavior or results of having been in an orphanage for the first year of their lives and I honestly can 't think of anything right now . Maybe I am blind to it because I am so close to them but they really seem to behave as any biological child would , as far as I can tell . They do still have some catching up to do , Ben with some developmental milestones and both of them with receptive communication . I am not concerned about either of them catching up though . They are obviously bright children and I know they will catch up with time . We are so very very blessed . I believe these two little guys are both miracles and blessings from God . That they have done so very well with this major transition in their short lives is just a miracle . I thank God for them and for how well they are adjusting to us and also us to them . I think my husband and I both have adjusted pretty well . It will be interesting to see how we are doing a year from now , when the newness of our new family has worn off . Right now , we both relish the time we spend with them and are so excited to see them when we are away from them for any length of time . I do need breaks and I look forward to nap times and also to a short period of rest after dinner , before we put the boys to bed and my husband is wonderful about giving me a break and he enjoys his time with the boys . As I have mentioned before , my husband and I have only been married for a little over two years . We were each single for many years before we met each other and fell in love . We have a wonderful marriage for many reasons . The main reason is that we both are of the same faith and place the same value on having God at the center of our marriage . We are also a lot alike and enjoy a lot of the same things . We have the same goals in life and share the same values and morals . We are best friends and we are pretty good about discussing our differences without putting each other down or yelling . We had pre - marital counseling , which really helped a lot too . But , another thing is that because we were single for so long , we really appreciate having each other . I think there are a lot of similarities in waiting so long to have children . I hope and pray that we never forget how much we wanted to find the right person to marry and I hope and pray that we never forget how much we ached for children . I don 't think we ever will forget . God will help us to always remember . Today started at around 4 : 00am . My husband and I both happened to wake up around that time and couldn 't go back to sleep , so we got up : ) . I started cleaning up a bit and ate breakfast very early , in preparation of sweeping and mopping the floors , which takes / took hours . Whew , I am so so glad it is done . It was way past due but I had been sick so things fell behind . I also did some laundry and took the boys to the grocery store for a major shopping run . They did very well , thankfully . I almost took too long . The natives were starting to get restless there towards the end . I also bought some play dough , a coloring book , some large , washable crayons and some WriteStart Pencils ( thanks for the advice - Walmart had them ) . And , I picked up two little Easter baskets and some empty , colorful , plastic eggs . In addition to getting the boys used to walking on the grass ( mostly Nicholas ; Benjamin loves it ) , I want to teach them how to hunt for Easter eggs . This might be fun . Yesterday I was trying to find the cow that goes with the little barn toy we have . The cow is Nick 's favorite and he was missing it so I was looking for it all over the house , including under the furniture . I finally found it in the bottom of the toy basket . Today Nick was looking for it and I saw him imitate what I did yesterday . He got down on his hands and knees and was looking under the furniture . It was really cute . So , they might get the hang of looking for eggs pretty quickly . I kind of think they will . Tomorrow my mom and sister , SIL and niece are all coming over for a visit . My SIL has not met the boys yet so it will be nice for them to get to meet her and they always enjoy playing with my mom , sister and nieces . So tomorrow will be a fun , relaxing day . Next week will also be a fun time because my two nieces will be coming to stay for a few days , during their spring break from high school . They are both Juniors this year and they are great with kids so it will be fun for all of us to have them here for a few days . My husband and I are also planning to sneak in an evening out , which will be our first since the boys have come home . I am saving several fun things to do with the boys for the visit from the nieces , including the Easter egg hunting , playing outside with a soft baseball bat and balls that the boys received as a gift and playing outside with a lawnmower bubble blower ( also a gift ) . I also want to get the two tricycles put together so we can teach the boys how to ride , or probably push them around , since their legs probably won 't be long enough to reach the pedals . We can also take the boys to the park , which I have not been able to do by myself yet , so that will be fun . Benjamin and Nicholas continue to learn so much so quickly it amazes me . After teaching them at one meal to say " all done " and hold their hands up , when they are finish eating , Benjamin started doing it at every meal . It is really cute . Nicholas copies also when Benjamin does it . Today , Benjamin started saying " all done " and waving , when we were going to go bye bye . So he may be a bit confused about when to do this . We will have to keep working on it , but it is cute and funny anytime he does it and I was amazed at how quickly he picked it up . He really is catching up with Nicholas so quickly , which is great . He is walking really well now and he walks all over , all the time . He does circles around the kitchen island , while playing with a toy in his hands . The bad thing is he is not real good at watching where he is going and ends up tripping over things every once in a while . They are both doing very well with listening and obeying Mommy . We add new things as they get the things we had been working on . I took down the baby gate that goes to our bedroom and they are quickly learning to stay with Mommy . I only had to fetch Benjamin out of our bathroom one time . The other times I have seen him head that way and I tell him to stay with Mommy and he turns around and comes back . Nicholas has considered it maybe once or twice but he is really good about moving on to something else when I remind him to stay with me . I figured this would be a pretty easy thing to teach , since they would really rather be with me or with us anyway . And they really like the fact that they can now follow us into our room , when we go in to change clothes or something , which they couldn 't always do with the gate up . I like them to be with me so I really want to get rid of all of the gates asap . I 'm thinking it might not take very long but we 'll see . Now that Benjamin is walking , he started to have more of the typical temper tantrums , which is interesting . We are working on them though and hopefully he will respond as Nicholas has . Nicholas does not have very many of them and is usually pretty good about stopping when I tell him to , unless he is overly tired or hungry . They are also learning to be more patient when I am fixing them something to eat . I will normally give them some cheerios and a sippy cup of milk to keep them busy and give them a bite to eat while I am preparing their food but , even then , sometimes they would complain a lot that their meal was not prepared immediately when they wanted it . I think it was getting to the point it was more a learned behavior than the fact that they were starving , so I started working on this with them and they are improving , which is nice . So , overall , I am feeling pretty good about the way the boys are responding to our discipline approach . They are very happy little boys , they continue to sleep and eat very well and they love to be held , cuddled , hugged and kissed . They are learning to return kisses and we are still working on learning to return hugs . They love to be tickled , which is funny . They will wait for me to do it again and again , although I only do a little at a time . . . enough to make them laugh . They have also learned the " Eskimo kiss " , rubbing noses with me ( or at least that 's what we called it when I was little ) . They think that is really funny and they laugh and laugh and want to do it over and over . We do that sometimes when they are sitting in their high chair and almost finished with eating . Benjamin has been pretty whiny the past couple of days so I am wondering what this is all about . He seems like he feels OK , he is over his cold , so I am thinking it may be that he is cutting teeth . They both are . Nicholas is already getting a couple of his molars in and now has four teeth on top and four on bottom in front . I think Benjamin is a bit behind him on the teeth . Benjamin is also very good about self - feeding now and he really loves to feed himself . Neither of the boys are using spoons and forks yet but they are interested in trying or helping at times . I am OK with them waiting a couple more months . I read that when they are able to hold a pencil or crayon well enough to be able to make a scribble mark on a piece of paper , then they are probably ready to start trying to use forks and spoons so I 'm sure they will be there before too long . I love being a mom . I love being a stay at home mom . I enjoy having a routine , most of the time anyway . I love introducing the boys to new things and watching the delight in their eyes as they see and learn new things . They are so sweet and cute , most of the time . Our cat probably wouldn 't agree with that though . We are still working on getting them to be consistently nice and gentle with the cat but they are getting it sometimes . There are times when I worry about the poor cat though , although I don 't know why he keeps getting down in the floor , right in the middle of them for more torture . I guess he must like it somewhat . He is a sweet cat . The other cat ended up getting locked up in the boys room again last night . This is the second time this has happened . I must be better about checking on her . I didn 't miss her and I should have because she usually hangs out with me before bed and first thing in the morning . I heard her on the baby monitor around 7 : 00 or 7 : 30 this morning , meowing at the top of her lungs . She can meow very very loudly . It is somewhat surprising really . I ran up stairs very quickly and cracked their door to let her out and N started half - crying that wake - up kind of cry . I couldn 't believe how loud she was . They ended up sleeping until around 8 : 00 , which worked out perfectly with my cleaning of the floors . I am very tired . I have accomplished a lot today but I also ended up feeling like I was not giving enough quality attention to the boys and I felt I was too short with them twice and raised my voice too much one of those times . They were shocked because I never raise my voice like that with them but I was across the room preparing their snack and I was fearful that they were really hurting the cat . I felt bad about being short with them and raising my voice . I hate that feeling . It makes me feel very guilty . Next time I will have to try to plan things where I am not trying to do so many big chores in one day . It is easy to get busy and forget that my top priority is being their mom . This is a very challenging job sometimes but it is so very very rewarding . I love them so much and I know my husband does too . . . . and , of course , we love each other very much so our little guys are in a house full of love . Time to fix dinner : ) . We made our trip to OKC yesterday , me and the boys , and they did very well . . . surprisingly well . My husband and I bought a portable DVD player at Sam 's , actually we bought two . They came as a set , specifically for the car and they hang on the back of the head rests . It is a great system for the price , which I can 't remember but I know it was less than $ 200 . They can be hooked together , where one becomes the master and they both show the same DVD , or they can be two completely separate DVD players . Pretty cool . I had to get the paperwork notarized before we left our city . I went to one bank and they didn 't have a notary that day so I had to go to another bank and then I called the Secretary of State 's office in OKC to make sure the notary I used was bonded , since I have made that trip a couple of times , only to find the person was not bonded and I had to go back home and redo everything . So , by the time we actually headed out towards OKC , it was nap time for the boys and the DVD system was in the trunk . They both fell asleep right as we were leaving town and they woke up about 2 miles from the capitol building in OKC , so they had almost an hour and a half nap , which was not too bad for a nap in the car . We parked and walked the long distance to the capitol building , where we had to go through security . I told them I had brought a knife to cut an apple for the boys ' lunch and they made me take it back out to the car . I should have known that would happen . Oh well . It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed the walk . We took the paperwork to the right office and then sat in the hallway , on the bench , and I fed the boys their lunch PB & J sandwiches , apple slices ( I sliced it at the car and then left the knife - should have done that in the first place ) and water . As soon as we finished lunch , we picked up our paperwork and headed back out to the parking lot . I put the boys in their car seats and then hooked up the DVD system , hoping I was doing it right and that it would work . I was actually surprised that the boys didn 't throw a fit at being put back into their car seats but I guess since they slept the whole way there , they didn 't realize how long they had been in them . The DVD system started right up and worked perfectly . I could even reach back and hit the play button when the DVD came to an end . They watched the same DVD about three times over on the trip home and didn 't seem to mind it at all . They found some parts of it more entertaining than others . Sometimes they were looking around and trying to take off their sandals and at other times they were like zombies , totally engrossed . . . it was kind of scary really . But it worked and nobody cried , which was great . When we got back into our town , I had to stop off to FedEx the documents to our agency and I thought for sure the boys would have a melt down . I went to this little place where the parking is right in front of the big window and I could see them the whole time , so I could leave them in the car . I knew if I took them out , they would throw a fit when I tried to put them back in but I was not sure if they would throw a fit at being left for a few minutes without the DVD playing . I had one last trick left . I had a couple of those snack cups , one with goldfish and one with cheerios so I gave them each one as I got out of the car . They were so engrossed with trying to get the snacks out of the snack cups , they didn 't even seem to notice I was gone . It probably helps that there are two of them though . It 's obvious that they really like each other a lot and enjoy being together . They have also stopped hitting each other , which is nice . Today we are having a hard time getting back on their normal schedule . Part of this is because of the time change , which I am having a hard time with . I just don 't want to wake up in the morning at a decent time , which throws them off too because they are also sleeping in , which throws off their nap schedule . I really need to make myself get up on time tomorrow and wake them up so that we can all get back on our regular schedule . Sooner Start has not called us back yet , which is surprising . I may need to call them . I thought our coordinator said he would call us back in a day or two and that our first appointment would be within a week or two . Hmmm . Maybe I misunderstood him . They were giving me a lot of information all at once so I 'm sure I probably missed some of it . I tried something new with the boys today . I brought their little table and chairs into the living room today because I want to start having a little structured time with them each day . Today we spent about 10 minutes working some puzzles . My intention is to start out at 10 to 15 minutes and then start extending it as time goes on , until they can sit at the table and play there for 30 minutes or so . Is that too long for this age ? N is now 16 months and B is 17 . 5 months old . Some of you child development experts or teachers tell me what I should expect from children of this age . I was thinking of trying play dough and maybe starting to show them how to hold a crayon and scribble on a page and then play with the puzzles and stuff like that . Is starting at 10 or 15 minutes and working up to 30 minutes a good goal for this age ? Is thirty minutes too long or not long enough ? I would appreciate any feedback / advice you experienced parents , teachers or child development experts have to offer . So , yesterday the boys finally woke up at 9 : 30am ! ! Can you believe it ? ? I couldn 't . Not sure what was up with that but I guess they needed some extra sleep . Right now , they are very good sleepers and I am so thankful for that . However , I know it may not last but I appreciate it for now . They have both had a cold but seem to be on the upside of it . I didn 't have to wipe runny noses yesterday , which is the first time in many days . My nose , on the other hand , is another story . . . or actually my sinuses . I have another sinus infection , although this one is much worse than I have had in a long time . I 'm wondering if I ever really got over the one I had a couple of weeks ago . I had been in a lot of pain with it but today I woke up feeling much better , no pain . I misunderstood the script I was taking and was only taking it once a day , rather than the required twice a day . My husband realized that yesterday and corrected me and by this morning , it had already made a world of difference . I am very happy to be back in the no - pain world , as I was miserable for the past couple of days . I am so ready to be healthy again . Since we have been home from our trip to Russia to bring our sons home , I have had two colds , two sinus infections ( or maybe one long one not sure ) and one stomach virus . Yuck . The boys have had two colds but everyone else in my house avoided the stomach virus , which was probably a miracle in itself . Hopefully the upcoming week will find us all back in good health . We took the boys to church today . The boys and I missed last Sunday because of illnesses so this makes their third Sunday to be in the nursery . They were a bit more clingy than they had been the other two Sunday 's . I think they have it figured out now and were wary , knowing that we might leave them there for a while . I stayed with them the first hour , while my husband went to our Bible study class . We tried to leave them the second hour but Nicholas started crying and did not seem inclined to stop any time soon . We stood outside the door for a while , where he couldn 't see us , while the caregivers gave him his lovey and some snacks . He gladly took everything offered but still kept crying the whole time . I think both the boys were really tired because of the time change . We had to wake them up an hour earlier than they are used to so I 'm sure that didn 't help the situation . I figure we 'll just play it by ear and see how things go . Today , after waiting outside of their room for a while , my husband went back in and stayed , while I went to church service . We 'll play it by ear and stay with them if they are upset , at least for another month or two . Tomorrow I will be driving to OKC ( about an hour and a half drive one way ) with both of the boys in tow . Fun huh ? Aren 't you jealous of that ? ? My husband is currently looking at Consumer Reports to see what they recommend for portable DVD players . I 'm really not sure how much this is going to help . The boys don 't watch TV at our house but they have seen TV at the doctors office . We went to the pediatric cardiologist on Friday for an ECCO for Nicholas . The technician said she didn 't see anything , which is good , but we won 't hear the official report from the doctor until Tuesday . Anyway , they had Curious George on so the boys were watching it in the waiting room . Benjamin lost interest pretty quickly . Nicholas watched it a bit longer . I guess if they are locked up in a car seat for 3 hours and that is the only thing to do , they might watch it longer . We 'll see . I 'm not really looking forward to the trip much . . . . although , the last time I was there ( before we made our second trip to Russia to bring the boys home ) , I promised the people who do the apostille 's that I would bring the boys to meet them , so at least I will be able to fulfill that promise . There are a number of others that helped with our process that I need to take the boys to meet also . We took them to the bank to meet the lady who notarized most of our documents but she had moved to another state . We needed another document notarized so it wasn 't a wasted trip but I was sorry she didn 't get to meet the boys . If it rains tomorrow , I might not be able to go . There is no way I am going to push these two little guys in a stroller from the parking lot up to the capitol building in the pouring rain . It is a hike from the parking lot to the capitol building . It 's just after 9 : 00am and I 'm still sitting around , waiting for my two little guys to wake up . I went up to check on them and they were sound asleep . It 's rainy and cloudy today so maybe that 's part of it . I opened the blinds in their room , thinking that might help but , so far , no go . I don 't like waking them up though . It seems that Benjamin wakes up with a smile on his face , no matter what . On the other hand , Nicholas wakes up in a bad mood that does not go away quickly , if he is awakened before his little body decides it 's time to wake up . If I hear them waking , which usually includes some whiny - type of stuff , and I wait a little longer , Nicholas ends up in a good mood . If I go up and get them as soon as I hear the whiny - wakeup - type of noise , he will cry when he sees me and be in a clingy , bad mood for a while . I think he is kind of like his mamma ; he is a slow - waker - upper and likes to take his time . I 'm OK with that and have learned that we all have a happier morning if I don 't rush up to get them as soon as I hear them stir . But , this morning , they have not even stirred yet ! Maybe they are getting ready for the time change . At this rate , we are probably looking at just one nap today , because they are sleeping too long for a morning nap . That might work out well , since we have the afternoon doctor appointment though . Yesterday we FINALLY received the boys Russian passports back with the Russian Embassy stamp . We have to send a fax of the picture and stamp pages to our agency ASAP , so they can fax them on to Volgograd to let them know that we are doing this as quickly as we can . I think I will have to drive to OKC , with two very unhappy little boys in the back seat , on Monday to get the apostille 's so we can get the official papers sent off to our agency on Monday afternoon . That will be a fun day . I think I 'll talk to my husband about possibly buying a portable DVD player for the car . Otherwise , I will have to listen to some very unhappy children for 3 hours on Monday . Watching a children 's DVD would probably keep them pretty happy for a while , since they have not seen TV or DVD 's since they have been with us , except for maybe at a doctor 's office . Nick has not eaten well for the past two days and yesterday he was real cranky and cried easily . This is the same behavior he displayed just before he got really sick with a fever and we found out he had pneumonia . I know he has at least one molar coming in , so not sure if that 's what is causing this or not . I hope he is not getting sick again . The boys have been invited to an Easter egg hunt at a friend 's house in April . Since they have only actually stepped foot on grass once , for a very short period of time , I thought I should probably get them out in the yard a little before the Easter egg hunt . So yesterday we went into the yard . Benjamin was a crack up , crawling and walking everywhere , not caring if his hands were dirty or what he was crawling through ( I 'm so glad we don 't have a dog ) . Nicholas was just the opposite . He fell , while walking on the grass ( not used to the uneven surface ) and sat there with his hands in the air , not wanting to touch the grass and kind of unhappy about his situation , wanting me to pick him up . I think some of this probably is because he is not feeling well right now but I was a bit surprised about his response . We received a bubble machine at the lovely shower that was given for us last weekend , so I took that outside and let them play with it . They both liked it a lot , although Nicholas kept putting his finger on the little hole where the bubbles are suppose to come out . They had fun with it though . We really have to get out in the yard more though and I think I may need to hide some eggs for them and teach them how to hunt for Easter eggs , so they will have more fun in April . Other than this , they are both doing great . They are really learning what is allowed and not allowed , although they still test at times . . . I 'm sure that won 't be going away anytime soon . They are sleeping great still and are normally eating very well , except for Nick the last couple of days . They are saying more and more words . Ben was hardly even babbling when we first took custody of him and now he babbles all the time , although he is more quiet around people he doesn 't know . Ben is a bit more friendly with our family members than Nick is but he is quick to run to mom or dad , when strangers are around . People at the shower were impressed at how attached to us they seem . I am thinking about starting a very short amount of time each day , maybe once or twice a day , when we have some structured time , so I can teach them to sit at their little table for a few minutes and play with something . I may start that in the next week or two and see how they do . I am guessing that Nick might do a little better at this than Ben , because Nick seems to be able to stay with a task a little longer than Ben . I have wondered how long it would take before it seemed like they have always been with us and I can barely remember our lives without them . I think we are almost there : ) . They are both so sweet and cute and funny . . . most of the time : ) . They love love love taking a bath and have since the very first bath we gave them in Volgograd . They are really doing much much better than I had ever hoped , at least for now . Right now , we are working on learning not to throw toys . They really learn the rules very quickly , although they normally will test for a while . It 's funny because when we introduce a rule , such as " don 't throw toys " , they have to test everything about it so they know exactly where the boundaries are , which is totally normal of course . I can just see their little minds trying to figure it out . . . is it OK to drop the toy ? , is it OK to roll the toy , is it OK to throw it just a little way ? , what happens if I throw it like this , what happens if I throw it again , even though you made me pick it up and set it down nicely the first time , etc . The fact that it is OK to throw a ball may make learning this rule a little more confusing but they seem to be getting it . They are quick learners . They hardly ever hit anymore . Nick hit Ben yesterday but he immediately stopped when I told him to . Other than that , I can 't remember when the last time either of them hit anyone , which is great considering they were both hitting everyone many times a day at first . They hardly ever try to open one of the cabinet doors anymore , which they had been doing many times a day at first . They hardly ever throw any food or sippy cup on the floor on purpose ( accidents happen and that 's OK ) . They really are quick at learning and they thrive at knowing the rules are consistently enforced . I am hopeful that we are well on our way of having two nicely behaved little toddlers . My husband and I are praying together at night , just before we go to sleep . We pray for our boys and for us and we pray for family and friends . It doesn 't take long but I know it makes such a difference in our lives and the lives of those for whom we pray . I pray that I will be patient , kind , gentle , loving and fun and that God will guide me on when and how to discipline . At one point , when I had told one of the boys " no " to something and he immediately started to do it again , while looking at me ( don 't you just love when that happens ) , I was tempted to become irritated and I could hear God telling me to stay calm and be gentle . I so needed to hear that at that very moment and I did stay calm and I think I disciplined appropriately . Don 't get me wrong . I have been doing some of these things up to now and been doing them OK I suppose . But , with God by my side , I do them much much better , with a better attitude , a sweeter disposition and more understanding heart I think . I have more patience and I don 't get irritated by misbehavior nearly as much , when I am living a life that is closer to God . I think I treat them more like He wants them to be treated . Another thing that I realized . . . and I have realized this in the past but had forgotten it over time , is that when my prayer life is in order , I WANT to read God 's Word . Too many times I have gotten the cart before the horse on this . I will think " I have not been reading my Bible like I should " and I will make an effort to start a regular routine of doing this . But I inevitably end up focusing on making sure I read something from the Bible everyday , rather than focusing on my relationship with God , which first comes through prayer ( at least for me it does ) . Praying brings me closer to God and it gives me the desire to want to read His Word . He wants a relationship with me , not just for me to read His Word each day and then move on after a quick prayer that maybe was not as heartfelt as it should have been . When I take this approach , I end up feeling like " I 'm done " after I finish my quiet time , like I have accomplished my goal , my conscience feels a little better and I can say I had my quiet time today when , in reality , I never connected to God at all . I hope I remember this in the future . Prayer life comes first and foremost . Without a meaningful prayer life , reading the Bible and other Christian books is just reading for entertainment or to meet a goal . Yesterday evening , after dinner , my husband and I decided to take the boys with us and run a couple of errands . I knew the boys would be in a cranky mood , since they had not had good naps yesterday but , when we go out somewhere , it is still so new to them that they behave very well . So we went to Bed Bath and Beyond to pick up this percussion massager thing for my birthday . My husband had given me a one hour massage for my birthday , meaning I could go someplace and have a one hour massage . But I have a friend in Houston who had this percussion massager and I tried it and it felt so great on my back that I decided I would rather buy that for my birthday instead of getting the one hour massage . The one hour massage would have probably been pretty good but it would have been over in one hour . This thing is awesome and I can use it for years to come . I told my husband I will let him give me a back massage with it every night if he wants : ) . After that we also went to Babies R Us to exchange a gift that we had two of . We got two summer one - piece outfits for each boy for the exchange , which was really nice . They actually have some really good deals right now . You can get a one - piece outfit for $ 8 , which I think is really good although we are buying two of everything so it adds up fast . . . . but it would add up even faster if it wasn 't such a good deal ! I will need to go back and get more of these one - piece outfits because our little guys definitely do not have enough clothes to get through the summer . Right now , they only have about 5 changes of clothes for summer days . One of our issues is that the boys are still so thin that pants and shorts don 't fit them . I think they are probably wearing about a size 9 months in pants and shorts . We have several pairs of jeans and pants and a couple of pairs of shorts that are size 12 and 18 month and they just fall off . This is my fault because I thought they would grow faster than they are growing . They might be wearing the 12 month size by the end of the summer but I will be very surprised if they are wearing size 18 month bottoms this summer . I 've rattled on enough today . I must get a few things done before the boys wake from morning nap . We sure have a beautiful beautiful day here today . I think spring has arrived , which makes me very happy , and I am really looking forward to the time change . The Sooner Start folks were here again today , this time to evaluate Nicholas . Once again , it went very well , the people who were here were great and the boys were very comfortable with them . The boys were a bit more cranky today though , due to missing a nap yesterday and then a delayed nap this morning . They really don 't do well at all on just one nap a day and it 's double trouble if it happens two days in a row . Nick was evaluated on all of the same criteria that Ben was evaluated on ( see yesterday 's post ) . His results were just as I suspected they would be . He is behind on his verbal skills and pretty much on track for everything else . I wasn 't sure if he was behind far enough to qualify for services but today we found out that he is . They will be calling us in the next day or two to set up the first meeting with the therapist . We have already met her , as she was one of the people who came out to evaluate Ben yesterday . I really liked her a lot so I am happy they picked her to be our therapist . They said the first appointment is normally within one to two weeks of the evaluation so we should be seeing her soon , which is great . I am relieved that we will have help and guidance on how best to bring the boys up to speed on their verbal skills and also the adaptive and social skills for Ben . I was more concerned about their verbal skills than anything else really because I have seen Ben catching up so quickly on many of the other skills . But when I would sit around and think about all of the words and phrases that they boys did not recognize , it was a bit overwhelming to think about how we were going to teach them everything and get them caught up on our own . I have to remember that it doesn 't happen overnight . The boys will be able to have services until the day before their third birthday , as long as they qualify . They will re - evaluate them once a year to see if they still need services . I am very pleased with how our state handled this and relieved that they offer these services to families and they are so easy to obtain . In other news , I am working on my prayer life . We have had so many things going on since the boys came home , along with just trying to get used to our new kind of family life and all of the demands , that I have not been good about my prayer life and also my quiet time , reading God 's Word . Today , I really needed the help that only He can give . The boys and I all have colds and then add to that two days with interrupted naps ; it makes for a tired , stressed out momma and cranky children who want a lot of attention . So today I really started praying and it is amazing how quickly God answers , even His wayward children . I am so thankful . He gave me the peace to handle today with a calm voice , even when things were crazy . He gave me the patience and energy I needed , just when I needed it . Thank you Lord ; please help me remember to turn to you and pray all throughout my day . The Sooner Start team came out today to evaluate Benjamin . They were here at 10 : 00am and left around 11 : 30am , I think . I was thinking that our sons might be ready to go to one nap a day and I now know that this is definitely not the case . They aren 't ready for this yet . They could barely eat lunch today because they were so tired and cranky . Cognition includes skills that help the child to solve problems and increase memory . Communication development includes learning skills that help the child to understand others and share thoughts , needs and feelings . Physical development involves skills used for movement , vision and hearing . Social development includes skills used to interact with others . " There were three people who came out . Two of them did the evaluation and the third is our resource coordinator , who is our point of contact for everything . He came alone for the initial visit a couple of weeks ago and gathered all of our information . He will be back tomorrow for Nick 's evaluation , along with one of the ladies who was here today . The other lady who was here today won 't be here tomorrow but someone else will be . They did a great job and the boys felt very comfortable with them . Ben and Nick behaved very normally , for the most part . Many times when unknown people are around , the boys are clingy and stay close to me . These folks came in and sat down on the floor , unpacked their unique toys and the boys felt very comfortable playing with them and around them . It was great . They gathered some information from interacting directly with Ben and some information they gather from asking me questions . I think they were here for about an hour and a half . After they finished gathering their info , they showed me the forms and results , along with a standard deviations curve , showing the typical range and various above and below ranges where scores can fall . He scored better than I thought he would in his physical / motor skills . They said he is right on track with his fine motor skills and that children normally develop their pincer grip between 15 and 18 months of age . We thought he was behind on this , since Nick had this skill at 12 months of age . I definitely need to read up more on this stuff . Ben is at least 25 % delayed in his gross motor skills but they really aren 't worried about that since he is catching up so quickly , his muscle tone is great and his over all score for motor skills was decent . Tomorrow they will come back to evaluate Nick and see if he qualifies for any services . My best guess is that he will be furthest behind in his communication skills also . I will be surprised if he is very far behind in anything else but we 'll see . Yep , we 've been sick again : ) . I ended up getting some sort of stomach virus that made me so sick that I couldn 't hardly stand up or move without being sick . My husband had to hurry home from work to help with the boys because there was no way I could take care of them when I was like this . My sister rushed to our aid on Thursday night and she spent the night with us and helped care for the boys on Friday until my husband could get home from work . The throwing up part ended on Thursday night but I was very weak and could hardly eat anything on Friday . Saturday was a bit better but definitely not 100 % yet but today I am 100 % better . Yeah ! So far , nobody else here has gotten this stomach bug , thankfully . I was so worried that they would end up with it and am so happy that , so far , nobody has gotten it . I hear it is really going around . On the other hand , the boys now have some sort of cold virus again and we suspect they might have picked it up in the nursery at church last Sunday . So the boys and I have stayed home today , with hopes that we can all get well quickly . Some dear friends gave us a baby ( toddler : ) shower yesterday and it was just amazing . Everything was so sweet and cute and there were probably about 18 or 20 people there . The boys received so many wonderful presents , it was just so nice . Before opening the gifts , I spent a little time telling our story and especially about the second trip when we brought our sons home . My husband brought the boys over for a visit , just as I was finishing up opening up the gifts so everyone got to meet them . They were a little shy at first but they warmed up pretty quick and had a good time . It was really a very special time for us all . Tomorrow is a big day too , since Sooner Start will be coming by from 10 : 00 to noon to evaluate Benjamin on his physical , verbal and occupational abilities . They will be here again on Tuesday to evaluate Nicholas . At this point , I would not be surprised for it to go either way really ( they need some therapy or they don 't ) because we have seen them both developing so quickly , it really is just amazing . At first , I was sure that Ben would need some therapy but now I 'm just not that sure about either of them . So I will be very interested in hearing what they think . The boys certainly have enough educational toys to help them along these days . We are going to start working on a sandbox for them , as soon as the weather warms up again . It got pretty cold here again just recently but I don 't think it will last long and I am hoping it does not damage any of my new little plants that are just starting to spring up out of the ground . I am really looking forward to having the sandbox so that we have something fun to play with outside when the weather is warm . We also have the swingset that we refurbished for them but they are still a little young for it . It 's really hard to get them in and out of the swings if there is only one person . . . actually , the time we tried it they were wearing snowsuits so we 'll have to try it again when the weather is warmer and then I can probably do it by myself . One of the gifts from the shower yesterday was a little wagon full of sandbox toys , shovels , rakes , molds , buckets , etc . so they will have a lot of fun with that once they have a sandbox . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
" Maybe he 's a half - breed , " she replied , already counting the coins . " So many good Mishnese girls giving themselves to Karut men after poor Lydia was forced to do it . I suspect we 'll be getting a lot more just like him . " " Maybe , " I agreed , stroking the baby 's tuff of silky black hair . " He 's sweet all the same . Does he have a name ? " " Nobody will want a Karut , " she snorted . " He 'll be here with the rest of the nasties until he runs off and gets himself killed on the street . Get yourself back to work now . Put the baby in the baby room and go check the one year olds ' buckets . " " Thank you , Ma ' am . " I curtseyed and hurried the baby to the baby room where I could get a bottle out of the warmer and sit for a moment before I had to dump all the potty buckets . Twice daily I had to circle through the one year olds ' room here in the Old Mishnah Orphan Home where twenty babies sat naked in chairs , eating , sleeping and pooping at will . I spent about two minutes with each of them , wiping them hopefully before they broke out in rash , putting ointment on their rashes and hugging them all for just a moment before I must put them back down and move on to the next . By the time they graduated on to the two year old room , they were allowed to wear pants and shirts , sleep on cots and eat at small tables . If they messed their pants for whatever reason , they were sent back to the one year old room for a day which was such a punishment that rarely would they mess again . The baby room was my favorite place though . It was quiet and warm in there , and I could sit in a rocker and cuddle as many little bundles as I had time for . The older ones stood in their cribs and waved to me as I came in . Some babbled out a few nonsense sounds and some smiled showing me two or four tiny teeth . " Hello Meri , " Sister Lena called back . She was in a rocker with one of the few little girls we had . Most of our children were boys . I didn 't know why they were abandoned more often than girls . Girls could be put to work , I supposed . Certainly our girls unless they were rescued before age seven or eight , would be put to work earning their keep . " He is possessed . " Lena calmed her baby and then quickly put her back in a crib . " Do you think this is why the Karuts didn 't want him ? " " He 's not possessed , " I insisted , burping my little friend . " He 's sweet . " He patted my face with his hand while looking out across my back . " It is , " I agreed . " But they are kind of beautiful too . " Surely , if he was possessed , we would know that somehow . I might have to ask the Father about that , but I hated speaking with the Father . He always wanted favors , and his breath was bad , and his old skin was wrinkled and made my own skin crawl . " Look at his nails , " I said . " Why are they like this ? " Gingerly , Lena touched them . She visibly shivered . Senya played with his toes . He put one in his mouth and sucked on the long curled nail . " I promise , Sister . Please let me care for him . If he turns out to be bad , then I 'll help you get rid of him . Don 't turn him out now and don 't tell the Father . " I looked down at Senya . He smiled at me , and when he opened his eyes they sparkled . " Okay , " I agreed , falling in love with this strange little fellow . " I will do anything to save little Senya . " I was strange too . My back was crooked , and my face was scarred . I was ugly even though I wasn 't always . Once I was a beautiful young girl who nice boys would ask to dance and nice girls would chat up . Once I went to school and got high marks in Mishnese and literature and fair marks in math and science . Then my step - father wanted me , and when I refused he pushed me down the stairs and broke my back . As I lay crumpled , he set my clothes on fire . The Saint saved me , and after I was healed , I came here to love other children who no one wanted anymore . Senya loved me , I thought . He greeted me every day with a smile . He didn 't speak . He didn 't even make noise , but he stood in his crib and waved at me and his silver eyes sparkled . Everyone else he ignored . He sat in the corner of his crib sucking his fingers , or lay on his back and played with his strange toes . The Father came to look at him . " How much was in the purse ? " He asked Sister Moon . She told him , and we all gasped as it was such a large sum . It would feed everyone in this house for a year . " Will there be more ? " The Father wondered aloud . " Then we will keep him until they want him back , " the Father declared . The next week , the Father had a new speeder . It was shiny and red with rich leather and polished wood inside . It looked very expensive . He wanted me to sit in it with him . He wanted me to pleasure him while he drove it around . I did because he was the Father and I was so ugly no other man would want me . If he threw me out on the street , I would have nowhere to go and be forced to pleasure other men who were worse than him . This is what he told me when his leavings were in my mouth , and I wished to spit them out on the fine carpet of his new speeder . When I came back to the orphanage , I went to the baby room and found Senya crying . He sobbed silently , his little body heaving but making no sound . There was a red welt across his back . " Who did this ? " I demanded of Sister Lena . " Sister Moon , " she said . " Sister Moon says he is destroying too many socks and wasting our precious cloth . She says he is to have cold feet all winter . He shall have no more socks . " " But why did she hit him ? " I asked , picking him up and holding him tight until he stopped crying . He put his hand on my face and nuzzled my neck . I wondered if I could take Senya and run away . I would have to pleasure anyone who would give me money , and how many would want one as ugly as me ? I would have liked a real job . Once I knew how to type and could speak well and answer a vid and perhaps put together things with my hands . There were no jobs like that anymore . There were no jobs for anyone because Mishnah was broke . There were only jobs for men who joined the guards and women who worked as maids in the Palace . I could not do that because I was a woman with a broken back and burned face . It was a cold winter , and there was not much food . The money from the purse had been spent on the Father 's new speeder and his fine clothes and jewelry . The children cried because they were hungry and cold , and the old radiators spat and hissed , but little warmth came from them . Senya 's little feet were always cold , and when I was with him I wrapped them in rags , but someone else always took them off . Senya sat in his crib and held the bottle himself . He was getting big , and his face was taking shape . " Maybe he 'll get darker over time , " Lena thought . " Did you give him this bottle ? It 's not time for him to eat . " She took it away . Senya opened his mouth to protest . " I don 't know , " I whispered back . " Do you think that 's how he got the bottle from the warmer ? " We both looked at the warmer as if it could speak to us . Lena turned back and snatched the bottle out of Senya 's grasp again . He opened his mouth in a silent howl . Lena ran across the room and put it on the warmer table . Senya pulled himself up by the bars on his crib and held out his little hands . The bottle flew across the room right into them . He fell back on his bottom and sucked triumphantly . " Please Lena , please ! I 'll do anything . Don 't let them throw him out on the street ! " I was on my knees before her . We lost four babies from the baby room including our one little girl . There was a fever going around , and the diapers were endless and messy . Our one year olds and two year olds were sick too , and I was forever dumping buckets filled with loose and foul smelling stools . Our two year olds were messing their pants , but we did not punish them because several of them had died , as well . Our building was cold , and the snow and frost outside made it impossible to open the windows and bring in fresh air . The children burned with fever and then shook with chills . I wrapped and rewrapped as many as I could , but there were not enough of us Sainted Ladies here to take care of them . There was sickness in the city , and bodies lay in the gutters where ever you walked . Our dead children joined them waiting for the coroner 's van to collect them . Three times a day I checked on Senya and each time he stood and greeted me with a smile . He called me by name now and jumped up and down yelling ' Meri , Meri , Meri ' when I came in . He didn 't get sick like the other babies even though his feet were like ice every time I checked them . The spring came , and Senya was moved to the one year old room . I did not think he was quite that old because he had only four tiny teeth . He could stand well on his own and feed himself with his hands and he was hungry and wanted more food than all the bottles in the warmer . I gave him a spoon , but he banged it on the table top and hit himself in the face with it . Though we had lost many from our nursery , many more were coming having lost their parents during the winter freeze . Our baby room was crowded , and we had to move out anyone who could manage in a chair for now . Senya sat in the chair like the other one year olds . Most of them sat quietly or slept , laying their little heads down on their table tops sometimes right into their food . Senya didn 't like it . By summer , he was climbing out as quickly as anyone could put him back in . Some of the other boys followed his example and in no time they were running about the room knocking over the buckets and creating a nasty mess . They were all punished soundly , and their poor little bottoms were red and swollen for days and days . Senya didn 't learn though . He continued to climb out , and now Sister Flower locked him in the closet . " I have never used the closet for one so young , " Sister Flower said as she carried the squirming Senya . " But this one is beyond any other punishment . " She opened the door and shoved him through , swatting his bottom soundly . " Don 't mess in there , " she called . " Or you shall have to sit in it for many days . " The door slammed shut , and she locked it with the key . " Come baby , " I said and fetched him a glass of water because he was too old now for a bottle though I would dearly have loved to sit with him on my lap ; his head against my breast , watching him suck the bottle and pat my face as he did so . Senya returned to his chair but still he did not like it and climbed out again and again . The boys watched him but did not follow . Senya was returned to the closet again and again throughout the summer . " Do you mean to adopt him ? " I asked meekly for this gentleman was dressed in fine clothes and looked very wealthy . He was big with white blonde hair and very pale skin . I wished for Senya to be adopted by such a fine man , but my heart would be broken too . Senya was in the closet , and so I had to first convince Flower to release him . I ran back and forth to Flower and Moon before the door was opened and then Senya crawled out . He was sweaty and covered in dust for the closet was never cleaned . I feared the fine gentleman would be distressed to see him in such a condition , so I quickly took him and bathed him . I dressed him in the clothes of a two year old , little pants and a shirt for he was certainly big enough and I was certain the gentleman did not wish to see him dressed only in our one year old sheath . I brushed Senya 's hair which was thick and wavy and shiny black like all Karuts . Then I took his hand , and we walked to the foyer where the fine gentleman sat waiting on a bench . He stood as we approached and looked down at the boy appraisingly . Then he squatted down on his haunches and held out his hand . I pushed Senya out from behind me and held him by the shoulders . The man touched the boy 's cheek and ran his hand across the soft shiny hair . Then he nodded and rose . " Thank you . " He turned to leave , but Senya had let go of me and instead held his arms up for the man . " Ah , my son , " the man said and picking up Senya , he hugged him tightly . There were tears in his eyes . " I can 't take you with me now . You have to stay here . " " I must go , " the gentleman replied , handing Senya back to me . The boy perched on my hip and held his hand up in a little wave . The gentleman didn 't respond to my question . As winter approached again , Senya was moved to the two year old room even though he had been with us slightly longer than a year and was probably only a few months older than one . He could toilet , dress , and feed himself with a spoon , so he did not need to sit in a chair or be tended to all day . My time was spent primarily with the infants and the ones , and so I did not see him often . He still spent an inordinate amount of time in the closet . He never complained when going in but rather seemed to prefer not to come out . He did not speak except to call me by name . Sister Moon feared he was of small brain and would never speak or learn a productive trade . He was beautiful though and everyone who gazed upon him agreed . This was unfortunate for him . As soon as he was old enough , he would be put to work in a trade where his beauty and silence were the only requirements . As for me , the Father traded my favors with his friends in exchange for money or possessions . During the food shortage of the winter , I was traded for two loaves of bread . He said of me that I was ugly , but was good with my hands and mouth and therefore , worth more than a few pennies . The money from the gentleman 's summer purse was spent on more beautiful women , wines and chocolates and of course , a newer speeder . The fine gentleman came every summer , and each time brought another purse . He stayed not more than a few moments , asking Senya of his health and whether or not he had been good . Senya did not speak and not since that first year did he wish to be held or hugged . He gazed warily with his brilliant eyes and nodded in response to the gentleman 's questions . Our adoption day took place in the spring . We bathed and dressed our children in clothes kept just for this day . Then we lined them up in their rooms , which were scrubbed clean and couples looking for a child came through . All the girls were adopted on this day and some of the boys . Senya was sent to the closet . Year after year , I looked for him in each room and only when it was over , and all the new families had gone home did I find him . The Father didn 't want him adopted , Sister Moon told me . That would mean the end of his rich purses . When Senya was with us six years , he was taken to the school room . He did not speak for the sister there and so it was decided that indeed he was of small brain and could not learn . I was fearful now . There was only one place he would go and already I saw the Father smiling and asking of him . The Father flush in new robes purchased with the coins from gentleman 's latest purse called me to him one evening and bid me bring Senya . It was winter again , and there was snow on the ground , and the windows were covered in ice that seeped through and left puddles on the floors of the nursery . I fetched Senya and holding his hand , walked with him through the back corridors to the Father 's study . I had been here many times , and at this hour I knew it would come to no good . I considered running away . I could steal a coat and some shoes for Senya for still he wore nothing on his poor ugly feet . We could run out into the snow and find shelter for the night and in the morning run far enough away from this place that we might come upon somewhere else to begin a new life . Perhaps I could take him all the way across the continent and from there take a boat to Karupatani and bring him to those people who surely would recognize him as one of their own . I did nothing though . I led him toward the back rooms because I was weak of heart and soul . My own body ached from the chill in the air which seeped into the marrow of my bones . I had no strength to run . I was weak and complied . " There he is , " the Father said , opening the door of his great office . A fire burned in his hearth and instantly warmed my bones . There was brandy in cups upon a tray , and other foods , but I knew they were not for me . The Father gazed fondly at the boy as we entered and reached out to touch his beautiful black hair . Senya shirked away . The Father laughed . " Let me teach you something , child , " he said taking Senya 's hand from my own and pulling him to the sofa . " You are too stupid to learn books . You are so dumb you cannot even speak . You are obviously of Karut blood and lower than a dog , and this is why your family pays me handsomely to hide their shame . You are beautiful , and because of that you may live , but there is naught you can do in this life save one thing . Meri and I will teach you how to do this and I will reward you . Isn 't that right , Meri ? " " Come now , " the Father said , pulling tightly to Senya 's hand . " See what I have here . " He opened his robes to reveal his great and ugly manhood and placed Senya 's little hand upon it . " Meri , teach the boy what he must do . " Senya tried to pull away , but the Father held him fast . " You have one of these too , little Senya . " The Father reached for the boy 's crotch . " Yours is still small , but if I stroke it the same as you stroke me , we can make it stand tall too . " " No ! " I cried . " Please Senya . Do as the Father says . " I had been beaten by the Father 's belt , and the pain lasted for days . This would all be over in a few moments as the Father was aged and had not the stamina of a younger man . I grasped Senya and pushed him close into the Father 's embrace . The Father shoved his hand into the boy 's pants , and Senya shrieked like an animal . " Ah , there it is , and a very nice one too , " the Father said . " Come Meri ; show him what you can do with mine . " I knelt before him and took him in my mouth . " See child , this is what you must learn to do . You will be very popular if you can pleasure as well as Meri . Good Sister Meri . " Senya screeched again and lashed out with his hands . He scratched the Father 's face leaving long , deep tracks that seeped with blood . The Father roared . He slapped the boy hard sending him flying across the room . He hit me too though I was only doing my best to pleasure him . I fell down against the floor . Senya scrambled to his feet , and though he was quick , the Father trapped him and pushed him down . " So you don 't like it that way , Karut ? " The Father hissed , ripping the trousers off the child . " Maybe you 'll like it better this way . Are you pretty like a girl ? " " No , " I screamed . " No milord , please don 't do that . " I threw myself upon the Father 's back and pounded at him , but he shoved me away as I was weak and inconsequential . Senya cried and made horrible screeching noises , but I was powerless to help him . I closed my eyes and covered my ears , so I was not witness to this . I called to the Saint , and his Blessed Being shone upon me and compelled me to open my eyes again . My eyes searched the room as if they no longer belonged to me for I could not control where they looked . They seized upon the hearth , the fire burning brightly and the poker which stood immediately to the side . I believed I could grab the poker . I could take it and hit the Father across his back . I could hit his head . I clambered to my feet , but I faltered because I was weak and the Father had fed me and kept me warm and safe all these years . I was ashamed of myself for my weakness . I fell again to my knees , and I wept and prayed to the Saint for strength . As I wept , I saw the poker moving of its own accord , releasing itself from its holder and flying across the room . I saw it dive at the Father , pierce him and I heard him scream in agony as it became lodged in his body . His body collapsed , and blood poured from him . Senya scrambled out from beneath the Father . The silver light shone from his eyes as bright as the fire and for a moment , the face I had cherished since first I held him was unknown to me . For a moment , I saw the devil himself reflected therein and then it was gone , and I saw only my Senya . His was bleeding . " Go in the washroom there ! " I said and pointed to the door . I knelt down beside the Father . His eyes were open and wept as he dribbled blood from between his lips . " Help me Meri , " he pleaded . He could not move . He was impaled upon the fireplace poker which flew across the room as the bottles flew from the warmer years ago when Senya was an infant . I realized now I had no choice . We had to run out into the snow and as far away as possible . I scrambled to the Father 's closets , and looked for a cloak to wrap Senya , and something for me , as well . When the boy emerged again from the washroom , I had found pins to hold his trousers together , a heavy fur lined cloak with a hood that hid his face and large fur lined boots that would not be destroyed by his claw like toenails . For myself , I had taken several blankets from the bed and three gold coins that lay upon the table there . I helped Senya with his boots and cloak and then taking his hand , I led him to the door at the rear of the chamber , though the Father with a weak and gasping breath cried for our help " What are you doing ? " I said when the boy loosened his grip from my hand . He hurried back toward the Father , his eyes ablaze with the wicked silver light . Senya stood above the Father illuminating him with the light from his eyes . He held out his small fist and then opening his hand , he dropped something . The Father 's body erupted in flames . " Senya ! " I screamed as the smell of burnt flesh overwhelmed the room . The boy turned back to me and ran to my side . A moment later we were outside in the bitter cold , stepping upon drifts of snow that turned the night as light as day . There were no busses that ran in these hours so all we could do was walk , my own boots soaking through in short order and Senya tripping awkwardly in the garments far too large for his small body . We walked none the less and when the morning came , the snow still fell , but we were so far away that I felt safe enough to sit upon the steps of a building for a few moments to catch my breath . " No , " the boy responded and I was surprised as this was the first word that he had spoken . A man came up the steps just then and looked upon us with disdain . He spat in the snow . " Well come on then , " the man said and together we followed him into the building . We went up three floors , and he opened a door to a small flat with a kitchen , a toilet and a sitting room . There was an old couch with tears and stuffing coming from it , a chair and small table in the kitchen , and a bathtub that was filthy and would need a good scrubbing . " Have ye got some coins ? " The man asked , and I held out my hand with the three coins . " Three months ye get fer these , " he said . " Then I 'll expect ' nother at the start of each month . Dun 't be late , or I 'll toss the both of ye out on the street . " " We 've got a flat , " I gasped and collapsed on the sofa . " We 're free , Senya ! " The boy walked the length of the small room holding out his hand . " It 's warm in here ! " I cried joyously . Senya disappeared into the kitchen . " But we have nothing to eat and I have no more money . " Senya returned and headed for the door . " I 'll get ye some food , " he said in the Mishnese of the street . I was shocked because he spoke and at the song of his voice . He pulled away from me and left me alone standing there . I watched him go from the window of my flat . His eyes were hard and narrow , thin slits of sliver light . His face was set with a frown , and I thought myself a cruel woman to send this poor child out into the street in search of food because I was too stupid to hold onto my coin . I knew what I must do now to retrieve a coin and make more . It was what I was good at or so I had been told . I marched down the stair and to the flat where the name on the door said ' Manager ' . I knocked , and the man opened it to see me standing there . " You won 't be disappointed , " I said . " If you are , you don 't have to give me the coin . " He smiled , and his teeth were yellow , and several were missing . When Senya returned with his pockets full of coins , I had already set out fresh bread and soup . There was milk for him to drink , but I had not enough money for butter and eggs . He sat and drank the soup , and I asked where his coins came from . " You didn 't get them the same way I did ? " I asked fearfully . He shook his head and then showed me with his finger how he could make the coins lift from the table and dance and fly . I was pleased because I was warm and my belly was full and for the first time in my life , I had a home that was all my own and a child who was nearly my own to love and care for . But I was fearful too . Senya spoke and though his words were sparse it was clear he was not of small brain but one who has seen and heard far more than his years . He lived with me for perhaps two years more sleeping in the bathtub wrapped in the fur cloak during the winter and on a blanket in the summer . He disappeared during the day or whenever I had a Chester to service , and then he returned at odd hours during the night , sometimes with scratches and bruises , sometimes with blood on his hands . Over time , his absences grew longer and longer until perhaps once a week or less , he returned to sleep in the bathtub . By the time the guardsman came looking for him , he did not stay with me at all . I saw him rarely , and that was only when I baked , and he would come looking for sweet treats or buns . |
One day , a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school , found he had only one thin dime left , and he was hungry . He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house . However , he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door . Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk He drank it slowly , and then asked , " How much do I owe you ? " " You don 't owe me anything , " she replied " Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness . " He said . . . " Then I thank you from my heart . " As Howard Kelly left that house , he not only felt ; stronger physically , but his faith in God and man was strong also . He had been ready to give up and quit . Years later that young woman became critically ill . The local doctors were baffled . They finally sent her to the big city , where they called in specialists to study her rare disease . Dr . Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation . When he heard the name of the town she came from , a strange light filled his eyes . Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room . Dressed in his doctor 's gown he went in to see her . He recognized her at once . He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life . From that day he gave special attention to the case . After a long struggle , the battle was won . Dr . Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval . He looked at it , then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room . She feared to open it , for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all . Finally , she looked , and something caught her attention on the side as she read these words . . . . . . " Paid in full with one glass of milk . " ( Signed ) Dr . Howard Kelly . Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed : " Thank You , GOD , that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands . " There was a rich merchant who had 4 wifes . He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to delicacies . He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best . He also loved the 3rd wife very much . He 's very proud of her and always wanted to show off her to his friends . However , the merchant is always in great fear that she might run away with some other men . He too , loved his 2nd wife . She is a very considerate person , always patient and infact is the merchant 's confidante . Whenever the merchant faced some problems , he always turned to his 2nd wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times . Now , the merchant 's 1st wife is a very loyal partner and has made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household . However , the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply , he hardly took notice of her . One day , the merchant fell ill . Before long , he knew that he was going to die soon . He thought of his luxurious life and told himself , " Now I have 4 wives with me . But when I die , I 'll be alone . How lonely I 'll be Thus , he asked the 4th wife , " I loved you most , endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you . Now that I 'm dying , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " No way ! " replied the 4th wife andshe walked away without another word . The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant 's heart . The sad merchant then asked the 3rd wife , " I have loved you so much for all my life . Now that I 'm dying , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " No ! " replied the 3rd wife . " Life is so good over here ! I 'm going to remarry when you die ! " The merchant 's heart sank and turned cold . He then asked the 2nd wife , " Ialways turned to you for helpand you 've always helped meout . Now I need your help again . When I die , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " I 'm sorry , I can 't help you out this time ! " replied the 2nd wife . " At the very most , I can only send you to your grave . " The answer came like a bolt of thunder and the merchant was devastated . Then a voice called out : " I 'll leave with you . I 'll follow you no matter where you go . " The merchant looked up and there was his first wife . She was so skinny , almost like she suffered from malnutrition . Greatly grieved , the merchant said , " I should have taken much better care of you while I could have ! " ' Every man and woman has four wives or husbands . What do these wives signify ? ' * THE FOURTH WIFE The 4th ' wife ' is our body . We love our body day and night . In the morning , we wash our face , put on clothing and shoes . We give food to our body . We take care of our body like the fourth wife in this story . But unfortunately , at the end of our life , the body , the first ' wife ' cannot follow us to the next world . As it is stated in a commentary , ' When the last breath leaves our body , the healthy color of the face is transformed , and we lose the appearance of radiant life . Our loved ones may gather around and lament , but to no avail . When such an event occurs , the body is sent into an open field and cremated , leaving only the white ashes . ' This is the destination of our body . * THE THiRD WiFE Our 3rd wife ? Our possessions , status and wealth . When we die , they all go to others . * THE SECOND WiFE The 2nd wife is our family and friends . No matter how close they had been there for us when we 're alive , the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave . * THE FiRST WiFE The 1st wife is in fact our soul , often neglected in our pursuit of material , wealth and sensual pleasure . The man flew to London and reached the boundary of the village . Everything had changed . He could not find his house . He asked a small boy about the whereabouts of so and so . The little boy directed the man to a house and said : Must Read Inspirational Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This is a true story of a young woman who went through the most gruesome fire . When you read her story , you 'll realize that your trials are absolutely nothing compared to what this young girl went through . It was September 25 , 2000 . Maricel Apatan was an 11 - year old girl in Zamboanga . On that day , this little girl went with her uncle to draw water . Along the way , four men met them . They were carrying long knives . They told her uncle to face down on the ground , and they hacked him on the neck and killed him . Maricel was in total shock , especially that the men were their neighbors . She tried to escape , but the men ran after her . She cried , " Kuya , ' wag po , ' wag n ' yo akong tagain ! Maawa po kayo sa akin ! " ( " Don 't kill me ! Have mercy on me ! " ) But they weren 't listening . With a long knife , a man slashed her on the neck too . Maricel fell to the ground and lost consciousness . When she woke up , she saw a lot of blood . She also saw the feet of the men around her , but she pretended to be dead . When they walked away , Maricel ran back home . But along the way , she saw that both her hands were falling off . Because the men hacked them too . She cried but she kept running . Sometimes , she would faint and fall to the ground . But she 'd regain consciousness and run again . When she was near her home , Maricel called her mother . Upon seeing her daughter , her mother screamed in terror . She wrapped her bloodied child in a blanket and carried her to the hospital . Here was the problem : From her house to the highway , it was a 12 - kilometer walk . It took them 4 hours just to reach the highway . When they arrived in the hospital , the doctors thought Maricel was going to die . But for 5 hours , they operated on her . It took 25 stitches to stitch together the long knife wound in her neck and back . Maricel barely survived . And she lost both of her hands . Ironically , the next day was Maricel 's birthday . She was 12 years old . But tragedy didn 't end there . When they went home , they saw their home Share F farmer replied . " So what happened then ? " the man asked . The farmer said , " I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left . " " And then ? " " Well , I sat back down and continued to milk her . Just as I got the bucket full , she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket . " The man laughed and said , " Again ? " The farmer replied , " Some things you just can 't explain . " " So , what did you do then ? " the man asked . " I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right . " " And then ? " " Well , I sat back down and began milking her again . Just as I got the bucket full , the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail . " " Hmmm , " the man said and nodded his head . " Some things you just can 't explain , " the farmer said . " So , what did you do ? " the man asked . " Well , " Can I buy your time ? A man came home from work late , tired and irritated , to find his 5 - year old son waiting for him at the door . SON : ' Daddy , may I ask you a question ? ' DAD : ' Yeah sure , what it is ? ' replied the man . SON : ' Daddy , how much do you make an hour ? ' DAD : ' That 's none of your business . Why do you ask such a thing ? ' the man said angrily . SON : ' I just want to know . Please tell me , how much do you make an hour ? ' DAD : ' If you must know , I make $ 50 an hour . ' SON : ' Oh , ' the little boy replied , with his head down . SON : ' Daddy , may I please borrow $ 25 ? ' The father was furious , ' If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense , then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed . Think about why you are being so selfish . I don 't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities . ' The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door . The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy 's questions . How dare he ask such questions only to get some money ? After about an hour or so , the man had calmed down , and started to think : Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 25 . 00 and he really didn 't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy 's room and opened the door . ' Are you asleep , son ? ' He asked . ' No daddy , I 'm awake , ' replied the boy . ' I 've been thinking , maybe I was too hard on you earlier ' said the man . ' It 's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you . Here 's the $ 25 you asked for . ' The little boy sat straight up , smiling . ' Oh , thank you daddy ! ' he yelled . Then , reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills . The man saw that the boy already had money , started to get angry again . The little boy slowly counted out his money , and then looked up at his father . ' Why do you want more money if you already have some ? ' the father grumbled . ' Because I didn 't have enough , but now I do , ' the little boy replied . ' Daddy , I have $ 50 now . Can I buy an hour of your time ? Please come home earlShare F ATTENTION FRIENDS . . . . ITS HAPPENING . . PL DO SHARE AND FORWARD . . . For Your Heart Vein Opening Are You Suffering from Heart Diseases ? Or have you been advised to undergo Angiography or Bypass ? Please Wait . . . Before you undergo Angiography or Bypass treatment , you must try with confidence this remedy . you will be cured . The day before someone suffered acute pain at the place of his heart and thereafter , experienced uncomforting which continued for quite some time . He then met VAID SAHAB ( Dr in Auyerveda ) and disclosed to him , that when the doctors performed Angiography on him , they advised Bypass as they discovered 3 of my arteries were blocked and given a date to operate after a month . During this period , that VAID ( Dr in Auyerveda ) prescribed the remedy below which he consumed exactly for a month . A day before his bypass operation , he arrived at the Cardiology Hospital in Mumbai and deposited Rs . 225 , 000 towards expenses for his Bypass surgery . After taking a close look at these results and his previous results , the Doctors then asked him if he took any medication after the previous tests were carried out . READ CAREFULLY AND FOLLOW IT , YOU MIGHT NOT GET THIS ALSO . Ingredients For Making Heart Vein Opening Drink Ingredients : 1 cup Lemon juice 1 cup Ginger juice 1 cup Garlic juice 1 cup Apple cider vinegar Mix all above and simmer in low heat for about 60 minutes or till solution reduces to 3 cups . Remove solution to cool , then mix 3 cups of natural honey and store it in a jar . Drink one tablespoon daily before breakfast . Your vein 's blockage will open in most cases . Enjoy your drink . Taste good too . READ AND PASS THIS MAIL , WE ALL ARE LIVING IN A STRESS FULL OF LIFE , ! ! ! ! WHY NOT TO PREVENT OUR SELF BY NOTHING , AND FOR SO YOU MAY EVEN CONSULT YOUR DR , VAIS , PHYSICIAN ETC . . ( SHRI SHANKRITI AYURVEDA INTERNATIONAL RESEARCH JOURNAL ) After 37 years of marriage . Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary . His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith 's multi - million dollar home and since the man 's lawyers were a little better he prevailed . He gave Edith his now ex - wife just 3 days to move out . She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases . On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things . On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay . When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half - eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods . She then cleaned up the kitchen and left . When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days . Then slowly the house began to smell . They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out . Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned . Air fresheners were hung everywhere . had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting . NOTHING WORKED . People stopped coming over to visit . Repairman refused to work in the house . The Maid quit . Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move . A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house . Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls . Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place . The ex - wife called the man and asked how things were going . He told her the saga of the rotting house . She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1 / 10th of what the house ha been worth , but only if she were to sign the papers that very day . She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork . A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS A young man was getting ready to graduate college . For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer 's showroom , and knowing his father could well afford it , he told him that was all he wanted . As Graduation Day approached , the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car . Finally , on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study . His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son , and told him how much he loved him . He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box . Curious , but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely , leather - bound Bible . Angrily , he raised his voice at his father and said , " With all your money you give me a Bible ? " and stormed out of the house , leaving the holy book . Many years passed and the young man was very successful inbusiness . He had a beautiful home and wonderful family , but realized his father was very old , and thought perhaps he should go to him . He had not seen him since that graduation day . Before he could make arrangements , he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away , and willed all of his possessions to his son . He needed to come home immediately and take care things . When he arrived at his father 's house , sudden sadness and regret filled his heart . He began to search his father 's important papers and saw the still new Bible , just as he had left it years ago . With tears , he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages . As he read those words , a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible . It had a tag with the dealer 's name , the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired . On the tag was the date of his graduation , and the words … There was once a guy who suffered from cancer … a cancer that can 't be treated . He was 18 years old and he could die anytime . All his life , he was stuck in his house being taken cared by his mother . He never went outside but he was sick of staying home and wanted to go out for once . So he asked his mother and she gave him permission . He walked down his block and found a lot of stores . He passed a CD store and looked through the front door for a second as he walked . He stopped and went back to look into the store . He saw a young girl about his age and he knew it was love at first sight . He opened the door and walked in , not looking at anything else but her . He walked closer and closer until he was finally at the front desk where she sat . She looked up and asked " Can I help you ? " She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and wanted to kiss her right there . He said " Uh … Yeah … Umm … I would like to buy a CD . " He picked one out and gave her money for it . " Would you like me to wrap it for you ? " she asked , smiling her cute smile again . He nodded and she went to the back . She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him . He took it and walked out of the store . He went home and from then on , he went to that store everyday and bought a CD , and she wrapped it for him . He took the CD home and put it in his closet . He was still too shy to ask her out and he really wanted to but he couldn 't . His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her . So the next day , he took all his courage and went to the store . He bought a CD like he did everyday and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it wrapped . He took it and when she wasn 't looking , he left his phone number on the desk and ran out … ! ! ! RRRRRING ! ! ! The mother picked up the phone and said , " Hello ? " It was the girl ! ! ! She asked for the boy and the mother started to cry and said , " You don 't know ? He passed away yesterday … " The line was quiet except for the cries of the boy 's mother . Later in the day . The mother went into the boy 's room because she wanted to remember him . She thought she would start by looking at his clothes . So she opened the closet . She was face to face with piles and piles and piles of unopened CDs . She was surprised to find all those CDs and she picked one up and sat down on the bed and she started to open one . Inside , there was a CD and as she took it out of the wrapper , out fell a piece of paper . The mother picked it up and started to read it . It said : Hi … I think U R really cute . Do u wanna go out with me ? Love , JacelynThe mother opened another CD … Again there was a piece of paper . It said : Hi … I think U R really cute . Do u wanna go out with me ? Love , JacelynLove is … when you 've had a huge fight but then decide to put aside your egos , hold hands and say , " I Love You " A very poor man lived with his wife . One day , his wife , who had very long hair asked him to buy her a comb for her hair to grow well and to be well - groomed . The man felt very sorry and said no . He explained that he did not even have enough money to fix the strap of his watch he had just broken . She did not insist on her request . The man went to work and passed by a watch shop , sold his damaged watch at a low price and went to buy a comb for his wife . He came home in the evening with the comb in his hand ready to give to his wife . He was surprised when he saw his wife with a very short hair cut . She had sold her hair and was holding a new watch band . Tears flowed simultaneously from their eyes , not for the futility of their actions , but for the reciprocity of their love . MORAL : To love is nothing , to be loved is something but to love and to be loved by the one you love , that is EVERYTHING . Never take love for granted . Share F Follow Most Watched Today on Facebook and You Will Always Have The Best Online Videos TRUE STORY THAT HAPPENED IN CANADA A baby boy David was born to a certain family . The mum was so excited that she hardly put him down . One day she left him sleeping and went to the garden . When she was there , the house caught fire and she ran back home as fast as possible to save her only son . People tried to stop her but they didn 't succeed . She went in and found the baby untouched . Unfortunately her hair caught fire as she was going out and she started burning . It was very bad for the rest of her life because she had to live with a scar . The boy grew up and became very rich and shifted to town . But in the real sense , he was ashamed of his mother 's scars . When people asked him , he would say , " l don 't have someone so ugly in our family as my mother " . One day his mum overheard how his son was telling people and she was very disappointed . She decided to travel to town to explain to his only son what had happened and the reason behind her ugliness . But unfortunately , the bus she was travelling with , got an accident and the mum died instantly . The boy heard of the news , and felt very happy . He then rushed to the village and found people sad . He just passed them and went direct to her mother 's room to search for important documents . He was shocked to find her MUM 's oldest DIARY BOOK written , DATE : 5th Sept 1980 . I was announced the WiNNER OF MiSS TORONTO BEAUTY CONTEST . DATE : 14th Jan 1982 . My husband Tonny Gateson passed away in road accident and left me six months pregnant . DATE : 2nd July 1983 . I saved my only son David from a fire and I ended up loosing my hair while scars left on my face . David felt too bad and started crying , but it was TOO LATE ! TOO LATE ! PLEASE NOTE : Follow Most Watched Today on Facebook and You Will Always Have The Best Online Videos A TOUCHING STORY OF FRIENDSHIP & VALUE A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert . During some point of the journey they had an argument , and one friend slapped the other one in the face . The one who got slapped was hurt , but without saying anything , wrote in the sand : TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE . They kept on walking until they found an oasis , where they decided to take a bath . The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning , but the friend saved him . After he recovered from the near drowning , he wrote on a stone : TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE . The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him , " After I hurt you , you wrote in the sand and now , you write on a stone , why ? " The other friend replied " When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away . But , when someone does something good for us , we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it . " LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE . They say it takes a minute to find a special person , an hour to appreciate them , a day to love them , but then an entire life to forget them . Send this phrase to the people you 'll never forget . It 's a short message to let them know that you 'll never forget them . - MORAL - ' 50gms ! ' ….. ' 100gms ! ' … . . ' 125 gms ' … the students answered . . " I really don 't know unless I weigh it , " said the professor , " but , my question is : What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes ? " …. . ' Nothing ' … . . the students said . . ' Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour ? ' the professor asked . ' Your arm would begin to ache ' said one of the student . " You 're right , now what would happen if I held it for a day ? " . " Your arm could go numb ; you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis & have to go to hospital for sure ! " … . . Ventured another student & all the students laughed . " Very good . But during all this , did the weight of the glass change ? " Asked the professor . ' No ' … . Was the answer . " Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress ? " . The students were puzzled . " What should I do now to come out of pain ? " asked professor again . " Put the glass down ! " said one of the students . " Exactly ! " said the professor . Life 's problems are something like this . . Hold it for a few minutes in your head & they seem OK . Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache . . Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you . You will not be able to do anything . . EVEN MORE IMPORTANT is to ' PUT THEM DOWN ' at the end of every day before you go to sleep … . That way , you are not stressed , you wake up every day fresh & strong & can handle any issue , any challenge that comes your way ! Moral So , when you start your day today , Remember friend to ' PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY ! ' Awesome Answers In IAS Examination - Q . How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it ? A . Concrete floors are very hard to crack ! ( UPSC Topper ) Q . If it took 8 men 10 hrs to build a wall , how long would it take 4 men to build it ? A . No time at all it is already built . ( UPSC 23rd Rank Opted for IFS ) Q . If you had 3 apples & 4oranges in 1 hand & 4 apples & 3 oranges in the other hand , what would you have ? A . Very large hands . ( Good one ) ( UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS ) Q . How can you lift an elephant with 1 hand ? A . you will never find an elephant with 1 hand . ( UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES ) Q . How can a man go 8 days without sleep ? A . No Probs , He sleeps at night . ( UPSC IAS Rank 98 ) Q . If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become ? A . It will Wet or Sink as simple as that . ( UPSC IAS Rank 2 ) Q . What looks like half apple ? A : The other half . ( UPSC - IAS Topper ) Q . What can you never eat for breakfast ? A : Dinner . Q . Bay of Bengal is in which state ? A : Liquid ( UPSC 33 Rank ) Interviewer said " I shall either ask you 10easy questions or 1 really difficult question . Think well before you make up your mind ! " The boy thought for a while and said , " my choice is 1 really difficult question . " " Well , good luck to you , you have made your own choice ! Now tell me this . It was their anniversary , and Aisha was waiting for her husband Rajiv to show up . Things had changed since their marriage , the once cute couple couldn 't - live - without - each - other had turned bitter . Fighting over every little things , both didn 't like the way things had changed . Aisha was waiting to see if Rajiv remembered it was their anniversary ! Just as the door bell rang she ran to find her husband wet and smiling with a bunch of flowers in his hand . The two started re - living the old days . Making up for fights , then was d plan for champagne , light music And it was raining outside ! It was perfect . But the moment paused when the phone in the bedroom rang . Aisha went to pick it up and it was a man . " Hello ma ' am I 'm calling from the police station . Is this Mr Rajiv Mehra 's number ? " " Yes it is ! " " I 'm sorry ma ' am ; but there was an accident and a man died . We got this number from his wallet ; we need you to come and identify his body . " Aisha 's heart sank . ! ! ! She was shocked ! But my husband is here with me ? " " Sorry ma ' am , but the incident took place at 2 pm , when he was boarding the train . " Aisha was about to lose her conscience . How could this happen ? ! She had heard about the soul of the person coming to meet a loved one before it leaves ! She ran into the other room . He was not there . It was true ! He had left her for good ! ! Oh God she would have died for another chance to mend every little fight ! She rolled on the floor in pain . She lost her chance ! Forever ! Suddenly there was a noise from the bathroom , the door opened and Rajiv came out and said " Darling , I forgot to tell you my wallet got stolen today " . LIFE MIGHT NOT GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE . SO NEVER WASTE A MOMENT WHEN YOU CAN STILL MAKE UP FOR YOUR WRONGS ! ! ! Its the last quarter of the year so let 's start making amends . To parentsTo siblingsTo friendsAnd many more . No one is promised tomorrow . Have a wonderful Life with no regrets ! This has to be one of the best message ! ! ♥ On my wedding day , I carried my wife in my arms . The bridal car stopped in front of our one - room flat . My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms . So I carried her into our home . She was then plump and shy . I was a strong and happy bridegroom . This was the scene ten years ago . The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water : we had a kid ; I went into business and tried to make more money . When the assets were steadily increasing , the affection between us seemed to ebb . She was a civil servant . Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time . Our kid was studying in a boarding school . Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy . But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes . behind . My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love . This was the apartment I bought for her . Dew said , you are the kind of man who best draws girls ' eyeballs . Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife . When we were just married , my wife said , Men like you , once successful , will be very attractive to girls . Thinking of this , I became somewhat hesitant . I knew I had betrayed my wife . But I couldn 't help doing so . I moved Dew 's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture , O . K . ? I 've got something to do in the company . Obviously she was unhappy , because I had promised to do it together with her . At the moment , the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me . However , I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it . No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her , she would be deeply hurt . Honestly , she was a good wife . Every evening she was busy preparing dinner . I was sitting in front of the TV . The dinner was ready soon . Then we watched TV together . Or , I was lounging before the computer , visualizing Dew 's body . This was the means of my entertainment . One day I said to her in a slightly joking way , suppose we divorce , what will you do ? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word . Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her . I couldn 't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious . When my wife went to my office , Dew had just stepped out . Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her . She seemed to have got some hint . She gently smiled at my subordinates . But I read some hurt in her eyes . Once again , Dew said to me , He Ning , divorce her , O . K . ? Then we live together . I nodded . I knew I could not hesitate any more . When my wife served the last dish , I held her hand . I 've got something to tell you , I said . She sat down and ate quietly . Again I observed the hurt in her eyes . Suddenly I didn 't know how to open my mouth . But I had to let her know what I was thinking . I want a divorce . I raised the serious topic calmly . She didn 't seem to be annoyed by my words , instead she asked me softly , why ? I 'm serious . I avoided her question . This so - called answer made her angry . She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me , you are not a man ! That night , we didn 't talk to each other . She was weeping . I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage . But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer , because my heart had gone to Dew . With a deep sense of guilt , I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house , our car , and 30 % stake of my company . She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces . I felt a pain in my heart . The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day . But I could not take back what I had said . Finally she cried loudly in front of me , which was what I had expected to see . To me her cry was actually a kind of release . The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer . Late that night , I came back home after entertaining my clients . I saw her writing something at the table . I fall asleep fast . When I woke up , I found she was still there . I turned over and was asleep again . She passed me the agreement she drafted , and then asked me , He Ning , do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day ? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me . I nodded and said , I remember . You carried me in your arms , she continued , so , I have a requirement , that is , you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce . From now to the end of this month , you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning . I accepted with a smile . I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically . thought it was absurd . No matter what tricks she does , she has to face the result of divorce , she said scornfully . Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable . My wife and I hadn 't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed . We even treated each other as a stranger . So when I carried her out on the first day , we both appeared clumsy . Our son clapped behind us , daddy is holding mummy in his arms . our son . I nodded , feeling somewhat upset . I put her down outside the door . She went to wait for a bus , I drove to the office . On the second day , both of us acted much more easily . She leaned on my chest . We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse . I realized that I hadn 't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a On the third day , she whispered to me , the outside garden is being demolished . Be careful when you pass there . On the fourth day , when I lifted her up , I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms . The visualization of Dew became vague . where she put the ironed shirts , I should be careful while cooking , etc . I nodded . The sense of intimacy was even stronger . I didn 't tell Dew about this . I felt it was easier to carry her . Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger . I said to her , It seems not difficult to carry you now . She was picking her dresses . I was waiting to carry her out . She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one . Then she sighed , all my dresses have grown bigger . I smiled . But I suddenly realized that it was I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart . Again , I felt a sense of pain . Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head . Our son came in at the moment . Dad , it 's time to carry mum out . He said . To him , seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life . She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly . I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute . I held her in my arms , walking from the bedroom , through the sitting room , to the hallway . Her hand surrounded my neck softly and On the last day , when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step . Our son had gone to school . She said , actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old . I held her tightly and said , both you and I didn 't notice that our life lacked intimacy . I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door . I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision . I walked upstairs . Dew opened the door . I said to her , Sorry , Dew , I won 't divorce . I 'm serious . fever . She said . I moved her hand off my head . Sorry , Dew , I said , I can only say sorry to you , I won 't divorce . My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn 't value the details of life , not because Dew seemed to suddenly wake up . She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears . I walked downstairs and drove to the office . I run up stairs , only to find my wife in bed - DEAD . She had been fighting Cancer for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice . She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction from our son , in case we push through with the divorce . At least , in the eyes of our son … I 'm a loving husband … Me : God , can I ask You a question ? God : Sure Me : Promise You won 't get mad . . . ... ... . . . God : I promise Me : Why did You . . . |
One day , a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school , found he had only one thin dime left , and he was hungry . He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house . However , he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door . Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk He drank it slowly , and then asked , " How much do I owe you ? " " You don 't owe me anything , " she replied " Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness . " He said . . . " Then I thank you from my heart . " As Howard Kelly left that house , he not only felt ; stronger physically , but his faith in God and man was strong also . He had been ready to give up and quit . Years later that young woman became critically ill . The local doctors were baffled . They finally sent her to the big city , where they called in specialists to study her rare disease . Dr . Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation . When he heard the name of the town she came from , a strange light filled his eyes . Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room . Dressed in his doctor 's gown he went in to see her . He recognized her at once . He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life . From that day he gave special attention to the case . After a long struggle , the battle was won . Dr . Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval . He looked at it , then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room . She feared to open it , for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all . Finally , she looked , and something caught her attention on the side as she read these words . . . . . . " Paid in full with one glass of milk . " ( Signed ) Dr . Howard Kelly . Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed : " Thank You , GOD , that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands . " There was a rich merchant who had 4 wifes . He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to delicacies . He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best . He also loved the 3rd wife very much . He 's very proud of her and always wanted to show off her to his friends . However , the merchant is always in great fear that she might run away with some other men . He too , loved his 2nd wife . She is a very considerate person , always patient and infact is the merchant 's confidante . Whenever the merchant faced some problems , he always turned to his 2nd wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times . Now , the merchant 's 1st wife is a very loyal partner and has made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household . However , the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply , he hardly took notice of her . One day , the merchant fell ill . Before long , he knew that he was going to die soon . He thought of his luxurious life and told himself , " Now I have 4 wives with me . But when I die , I 'll be alone . How lonely I 'll be Thus , he asked the 4th wife , " I loved you most , endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you . Now that I 'm dying , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " No way ! " replied the 4th wife andshe walked away without another word . The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant 's heart . The sad merchant then asked the 3rd wife , " I have loved you so much for all my life . Now that I 'm dying , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " No ! " replied the 3rd wife . " Life is so good over here ! I 'm going to remarry when you die ! " The merchant 's heart sank and turned cold . He then asked the 2nd wife , " Ialways turned to you for helpand you 've always helped meout . Now I need your help again . When I die , will you follow me and keep me company ? " " I 'm sorry , I can 't help you out this time ! " replied the 2nd wife . " At the very most , I can only send you to your grave . " The answer came like a bolt of thunder and the merchant was devastated . Then a voice called out : " I 'll leave with you . I 'll follow you no matter where you go . " The merchant looked up and there was his first wife . She was so skinny , almost like she suffered from malnutrition . Greatly grieved , the merchant said , " I should have taken much better care of you while I could have ! " ' Every man and woman has four wives or husbands . What do these wives signify ? ' * THE FOURTH WIFE The 4th ' wife ' is our body . We love our body day and night . In the morning , we wash our face , put on clothing and shoes . We give food to our body . We take care of our body like the fourth wife in this story . But unfortunately , at the end of our life , the body , the first ' wife ' cannot follow us to the next world . As it is stated in a commentary , ' When the last breath leaves our body , the healthy color of the face is transformed , and we lose the appearance of radiant life . Our loved ones may gather around and lament , but to no avail . When such an event occurs , the body is sent into an open field and cremated , leaving only the white ashes . ' This is the destination of our body . * THE THiRD WiFE Our 3rd wife ? Our possessions , status and wealth . When we die , they all go to others . * THE SECOND WiFE The 2nd wife is our family and friends . No matter how close they had been there for us when we 're alive , the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave . * THE FiRST WiFE The 1st wife is in fact our soul , often neglected in our pursuit of material , wealth and sensual pleasure . The man flew to London and reached the boundary of the village . Everything had changed . He could not find his house . He asked a small boy about the whereabouts of so and so . The little boy directed the man to a house and said : Must Read Inspirational Story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This is a true story of a young woman who went through the most gruesome fire . When you read her story , you 'll realize that your trials are absolutely nothing compared to what this young girl went through . It was September 25 , 2000 . Maricel Apatan was an 11 - year old girl in Zamboanga . On that day , this little girl went with her uncle to draw water . Along the way , four men met them . They were carrying long knives . They told her uncle to face down on the ground , and they hacked him on the neck and killed him . Maricel was in total shock , especially that the men were their neighbors . She tried to escape , but the men ran after her . She cried , " Kuya , ' wag po , ' wag n ' yo akong tagain ! Maawa po kayo sa akin ! " ( " Don 't kill me ! Have mercy on me ! " ) But they weren 't listening . With a long knife , a man slashed her on the neck too . Maricel fell to the ground and lost consciousness . When she woke up , she saw a lot of blood . She also saw the feet of the men around her , but she pretended to be dead . When they walked away , Maricel ran back home . But along the way , she saw that both her hands were falling off . Because the men hacked them too . She cried but she kept running . Sometimes , she would faint and fall to the ground . But she 'd regain consciousness and run again . When she was near her home , Maricel called her mother . Upon seeing her daughter , her mother screamed in terror . She wrapped her bloodied child in a blanket and carried her to the hospital . Here was the problem : From her house to the highway , it was a 12 - kilometer walk . It took them 4 hours just to reach the highway . When they arrived in the hospital , the doctors thought Maricel was going to die . But for 5 hours , they operated on her . It took 25 stitches to stitch together the long knife wound in her neck and back . Maricel barely survived . And she lost both of her hands . Ironically , the next day was Maricel 's birthday . She was 12 years old . But tragedy didn 't end there . When they went home , they saw their home Share F farmer replied . " So what happened then ? " the man asked . The farmer said , " I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left . " " And then ? " " Well , I sat back down and continued to milk her . Just as I got the bucket full , she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket . " The man laughed and said , " Again ? " The farmer replied , " Some things you just can 't explain . " " So , what did you do then ? " the man asked . " I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right . " " And then ? " " Well , I sat back down and began milking her again . Just as I got the bucket full , the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail . " " Hmmm , " the man said and nodded his head . " Some things you just can 't explain , " the farmer said . " So , what did you do ? " the man asked . " Well , " Can I buy your time ? A man came home from work late , tired and irritated , to find his 5 - year old son waiting for him at the door . SON : ' Daddy , may I ask you a question ? ' DAD : ' Yeah sure , what it is ? ' replied the man . SON : ' Daddy , how much do you make an hour ? ' DAD : ' That 's none of your business . Why do you ask such a thing ? ' the man said angrily . SON : ' I just want to know . Please tell me , how much do you make an hour ? ' DAD : ' If you must know , I make $ 50 an hour . ' SON : ' Oh , ' the little boy replied , with his head down . SON : ' Daddy , may I please borrow $ 25 ? ' The father was furious , ' If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense , then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed . Think about why you are being so selfish . I don 't work hard everyday for such childish frivolities . ' The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door . The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy 's questions . How dare he ask such questions only to get some money ? After about an hour or so , the man had calmed down , and started to think : Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 25 . 00 and he really didn 't ask for money very often The man went to the door of the little boy 's room and opened the door . ' Are you asleep , son ? ' He asked . ' No daddy , I 'm awake , ' replied the boy . ' I 've been thinking , maybe I was too hard on you earlier ' said the man . ' It 's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you . Here 's the $ 25 you asked for . ' The little boy sat straight up , smiling . ' Oh , thank you daddy ! ' he yelled . Then , reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills . The man saw that the boy already had money , started to get angry again . The little boy slowly counted out his money , and then looked up at his father . ' Why do you want more money if you already have some ? ' the father grumbled . ' Because I didn 't have enough , but now I do , ' the little boy replied . ' Daddy , I have $ 50 now . Can I buy an hour of your time ? Please come home earlShare F ATTENTION FRIENDS . . . . ITS HAPPENING . . PL DO SHARE AND FORWARD . . . For Your Heart Vein Opening Are You Suffering from Heart Diseases ? Or have you been advised to undergo Angiography or Bypass ? Please Wait . . . Before you undergo Angiography or Bypass treatment , you must try with confidence this remedy . you will be cured . The day before someone suffered acute pain at the place of his heart and thereafter , experienced uncomforting which continued for quite some time . He then met VAID SAHAB ( Dr in Auyerveda ) and disclosed to him , that when the doctors performed Angiography on him , they advised Bypass as they discovered 3 of my arteries were blocked and given a date to operate after a month . During this period , that VAID ( Dr in Auyerveda ) prescribed the remedy below which he consumed exactly for a month . A day before his bypass operation , he arrived at the Cardiology Hospital in Mumbai and deposited Rs . 225 , 000 towards expenses for his Bypass surgery . After taking a close look at these results and his previous results , the Doctors then asked him if he took any medication after the previous tests were carried out . READ CAREFULLY AND FOLLOW IT , YOU MIGHT NOT GET THIS ALSO . Ingredients For Making Heart Vein Opening Drink Ingredients : 1 cup Lemon juice 1 cup Ginger juice 1 cup Garlic juice 1 cup Apple cider vinegar Mix all above and simmer in low heat for about 60 minutes or till solution reduces to 3 cups . Remove solution to cool , then mix 3 cups of natural honey and store it in a jar . Drink one tablespoon daily before breakfast . Your vein 's blockage will open in most cases . Enjoy your drink . Taste good too . READ AND PASS THIS MAIL , WE ALL ARE LIVING IN A STRESS FULL OF LIFE , ! ! ! ! WHY NOT TO PREVENT OUR SELF BY NOTHING , AND FOR SO YOU MAY EVEN CONSULT YOUR DR , VAIS , PHYSICIAN ETC . . ( SHRI SHANKRITI AYURVEDA INTERNATIONAL RESEARCH JOURNAL ) After 37 years of marriage . Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary . His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith 's multi - million dollar home and since the man 's lawyers were a little better he prevailed . He gave Edith his now ex - wife just 3 days to move out . She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases . On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things . On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay . When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half - eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods . She then cleaned up the kitchen and left . When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days . Then slowly the house began to smell . They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out . Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned . Air fresheners were hung everywhere . had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting . NOTHING WORKED . People stopped coming over to visit . Repairman refused to work in the house . The Maid quit . Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move . A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house . Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls . Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place . The ex - wife called the man and asked how things were going . He told her the saga of the rotting house . She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1 / 10th of what the house ha been worth , but only if she were to sign the papers that very day . She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork . A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS A young man was getting ready to graduate college . For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer 's showroom , and knowing his father could well afford it , he told him that was all he wanted . As Graduation Day approached , the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car . Finally , on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study . His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son , and told him how much he loved him . He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box . Curious , but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely , leather - bound Bible . Angrily , he raised his voice at his father and said , " With all your money you give me a Bible ? " and stormed out of the house , leaving the holy book . Many years passed and the young man was very successful inbusiness . He had a beautiful home and wonderful family , but realized his father was very old , and thought perhaps he should go to him . He had not seen him since that graduation day . Before he could make arrangements , he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away , and willed all of his possessions to his son . He needed to come home immediately and take care things . When he arrived at his father 's house , sudden sadness and regret filled his heart . He began to search his father 's important papers and saw the still new Bible , just as he had left it years ago . With tears , he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages . As he read those words , a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible . It had a tag with the dealer 's name , the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired . On the tag was the date of his graduation , and the words … There was once a guy who suffered from cancer … a cancer that can 't be treated . He was 18 years old and he could die anytime . All his life , he was stuck in his house being taken cared by his mother . He never went outside but he was sick of staying home and wanted to go out for once . So he asked his mother and she gave him permission . He walked down his block and found a lot of stores . He passed a CD store and looked through the front door for a second as he walked . He stopped and went back to look into the store . He saw a young girl about his age and he knew it was love at first sight . He opened the door and walked in , not looking at anything else but her . He walked closer and closer until he was finally at the front desk where she sat . She looked up and asked " Can I help you ? " She smiled and he thought it was the most beautiful smile he has ever seen before and wanted to kiss her right there . He said " Uh … Yeah … Umm … I would like to buy a CD . " He picked one out and gave her money for it . " Would you like me to wrap it for you ? " she asked , smiling her cute smile again . He nodded and she went to the back . She came back with the wrapped CD and gave it to him . He took it and walked out of the store . He went home and from then on , he went to that store everyday and bought a CD , and she wrapped it for him . He took the CD home and put it in his closet . He was still too shy to ask her out and he really wanted to but he couldn 't . His mother found out about this and told him to just ask her . So the next day , he took all his courage and went to the store . He bought a CD like he did everyday and once again she went to the back of the store and came back with it wrapped . He took it and when she wasn 't looking , he left his phone number on the desk and ran out … ! ! ! RRRRRING ! ! ! The mother picked up the phone and said , " Hello ? " It was the girl ! ! ! She asked for the boy and the mother started to cry and said , " You don 't know ? He passed away yesterday … " The line was quiet except for the cries of the boy 's mother . Later in the day . The mother went into the boy 's room because she wanted to remember him . She thought she would start by looking at his clothes . So she opened the closet . She was face to face with piles and piles and piles of unopened CDs . She was surprised to find all those CDs and she picked one up and sat down on the bed and she started to open one . Inside , there was a CD and as she took it out of the wrapper , out fell a piece of paper . The mother picked it up and started to read it . It said : Hi … I think U R really cute . Do u wanna go out with me ? Love , JacelynThe mother opened another CD … Again there was a piece of paper . It said : Hi … I think U R really cute . Do u wanna go out with me ? Love , JacelynLove is … when you 've had a huge fight but then decide to put aside your egos , hold hands and say , " I Love You " A very poor man lived with his wife . One day , his wife , who had very long hair asked him to buy her a comb for her hair to grow well and to be well - groomed . The man felt very sorry and said no . He explained that he did not even have enough money to fix the strap of his watch he had just broken . She did not insist on her request . The man went to work and passed by a watch shop , sold his damaged watch at a low price and went to buy a comb for his wife . He came home in the evening with the comb in his hand ready to give to his wife . He was surprised when he saw his wife with a very short hair cut . She had sold her hair and was holding a new watch band . Tears flowed simultaneously from their eyes , not for the futility of their actions , but for the reciprocity of their love . MORAL : To love is nothing , to be loved is something but to love and to be loved by the one you love , that is EVERYTHING . Never take love for granted . Share F Follow Most Watched Today on Facebook and You Will Always Have The Best Online Videos TRUE STORY THAT HAPPENED IN CANADA A baby boy David was born to a certain family . The mum was so excited that she hardly put him down . One day she left him sleeping and went to the garden . When she was there , the house caught fire and she ran back home as fast as possible to save her only son . People tried to stop her but they didn 't succeed . She went in and found the baby untouched . Unfortunately her hair caught fire as she was going out and she started burning . It was very bad for the rest of her life because she had to live with a scar . The boy grew up and became very rich and shifted to town . But in the real sense , he was ashamed of his mother 's scars . When people asked him , he would say , " l don 't have someone so ugly in our family as my mother " . One day his mum overheard how his son was telling people and she was very disappointed . She decided to travel to town to explain to his only son what had happened and the reason behind her ugliness . But unfortunately , the bus she was travelling with , got an accident and the mum died instantly . The boy heard of the news , and felt very happy . He then rushed to the village and found people sad . He just passed them and went direct to her mother 's room to search for important documents . He was shocked to find her MUM 's oldest DIARY BOOK written , DATE : 5th Sept 1980 . I was announced the WiNNER OF MiSS TORONTO BEAUTY CONTEST . DATE : 14th Jan 1982 . My husband Tonny Gateson passed away in road accident and left me six months pregnant . DATE : 2nd July 1983 . I saved my only son David from a fire and I ended up loosing my hair while scars left on my face . David felt too bad and started crying , but it was TOO LATE ! TOO LATE ! PLEASE NOTE : Follow Most Watched Today on Facebook and You Will Always Have The Best Online Videos A TOUCHING STORY OF FRIENDSHIP & VALUE A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert . During some point of the journey they had an argument , and one friend slapped the other one in the face . The one who got slapped was hurt , but without saying anything , wrote in the sand : TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE . They kept on walking until they found an oasis , where they decided to take a bath . The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning , but the friend saved him . After he recovered from the near drowning , he wrote on a stone : TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE . The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him , " After I hurt you , you wrote in the sand and now , you write on a stone , why ? " The other friend replied " When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away . But , when someone does something good for us , we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it . " LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE . They say it takes a minute to find a special person , an hour to appreciate them , a day to love them , but then an entire life to forget them . Send this phrase to the people you 'll never forget . It 's a short message to let them know that you 'll never forget them . - MORAL - ' 50gms ! ' ….. ' 100gms ! ' … . . ' 125 gms ' … the students answered . . " I really don 't know unless I weigh it , " said the professor , " but , my question is : What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes ? " …. . ' Nothing ' … . . the students said . . ' Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour ? ' the professor asked . ' Your arm would begin to ache ' said one of the student . " You 're right , now what would happen if I held it for a day ? " . " Your arm could go numb ; you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis & have to go to hospital for sure ! " … . . Ventured another student & all the students laughed . " Very good . But during all this , did the weight of the glass change ? " Asked the professor . ' No ' … . Was the answer . " Then what caused the arm ache & the muscle stress ? " . The students were puzzled . " What should I do now to come out of pain ? " asked professor again . " Put the glass down ! " said one of the students . " Exactly ! " said the professor . Life 's problems are something like this . . Hold it for a few minutes in your head & they seem OK . Think of them for a long time & they begin to ache . . Hold it even longer & they begin to paralyze you . You will not be able to do anything . . EVEN MORE IMPORTANT is to ' PUT THEM DOWN ' at the end of every day before you go to sleep … . That way , you are not stressed , you wake up every day fresh & strong & can handle any issue , any challenge that comes your way ! Moral So , when you start your day today , Remember friend to ' PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY ! ' Awesome Answers In IAS Examination - Q . How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it ? A . Concrete floors are very hard to crack ! ( UPSC Topper ) Q . If it took 8 men 10 hrs to build a wall , how long would it take 4 men to build it ? A . No time at all it is already built . ( UPSC 23rd Rank Opted for IFS ) Q . If you had 3 apples & 4oranges in 1 hand & 4 apples & 3 oranges in the other hand , what would you have ? A . Very large hands . ( Good one ) ( UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS ) Q . How can you lift an elephant with 1 hand ? A . you will never find an elephant with 1 hand . ( UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES ) Q . How can a man go 8 days without sleep ? A . No Probs , He sleeps at night . ( UPSC IAS Rank 98 ) Q . If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become ? A . It will Wet or Sink as simple as that . ( UPSC IAS Rank 2 ) Q . What looks like half apple ? A : The other half . ( UPSC - IAS Topper ) Q . What can you never eat for breakfast ? A : Dinner . Q . Bay of Bengal is in which state ? A : Liquid ( UPSC 33 Rank ) Interviewer said " I shall either ask you 10easy questions or 1 really difficult question . Think well before you make up your mind ! " The boy thought for a while and said , " my choice is 1 really difficult question . " " Well , good luck to you , you have made your own choice ! Now tell me this . It was their anniversary , and Aisha was waiting for her husband Rajiv to show up . Things had changed since their marriage , the once cute couple couldn 't - live - without - each - other had turned bitter . Fighting over every little things , both didn 't like the way things had changed . Aisha was waiting to see if Rajiv remembered it was their anniversary ! Just as the door bell rang she ran to find her husband wet and smiling with a bunch of flowers in his hand . The two started re - living the old days . Making up for fights , then was d plan for champagne , light music And it was raining outside ! It was perfect . But the moment paused when the phone in the bedroom rang . Aisha went to pick it up and it was a man . " Hello ma ' am I 'm calling from the police station . Is this Mr Rajiv Mehra 's number ? " " Yes it is ! " " I 'm sorry ma ' am ; but there was an accident and a man died . We got this number from his wallet ; we need you to come and identify his body . " Aisha 's heart sank . ! ! ! She was shocked ! But my husband is here with me ? " " Sorry ma ' am , but the incident took place at 2 pm , when he was boarding the train . " Aisha was about to lose her conscience . How could this happen ? ! She had heard about the soul of the person coming to meet a loved one before it leaves ! She ran into the other room . He was not there . It was true ! He had left her for good ! ! Oh God she would have died for another chance to mend every little fight ! She rolled on the floor in pain . She lost her chance ! Forever ! Suddenly there was a noise from the bathroom , the door opened and Rajiv came out and said " Darling , I forgot to tell you my wallet got stolen today " . LIFE MIGHT NOT GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE . SO NEVER WASTE A MOMENT WHEN YOU CAN STILL MAKE UP FOR YOUR WRONGS ! ! ! Its the last quarter of the year so let 's start making amends . To parentsTo siblingsTo friendsAnd many more . No one is promised tomorrow . Have a wonderful Life with no regrets ! This has to be one of the best message ! ! ♥ On my wedding day , I carried my wife in my arms . The bridal car stopped in front of our one - room flat . My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms . So I carried her into our home . She was then plump and shy . I was a strong and happy bridegroom . This was the scene ten years ago . The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water : we had a kid ; I went into business and tried to make more money . When the assets were steadily increasing , the affection between us seemed to ebb . She was a civil servant . Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time . Our kid was studying in a boarding school . Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy . But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes . behind . My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love . This was the apartment I bought for her . Dew said , you are the kind of man who best draws girls ' eyeballs . Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife . When we were just married , my wife said , Men like you , once successful , will be very attractive to girls . Thinking of this , I became somewhat hesitant . I knew I had betrayed my wife . But I couldn 't help doing so . I moved Dew 's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture , O . K . ? I 've got something to do in the company . Obviously she was unhappy , because I had promised to do it together with her . At the moment , the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me . However , I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it . No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her , she would be deeply hurt . Honestly , she was a good wife . Every evening she was busy preparing dinner . I was sitting in front of the TV . The dinner was ready soon . Then we watched TV together . Or , I was lounging before the computer , visualizing Dew 's body . This was the means of my entertainment . One day I said to her in a slightly joking way , suppose we divorce , what will you do ? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word . Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her . I couldn 't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious . When my wife went to my office , Dew had just stepped out . Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her . She seemed to have got some hint . She gently smiled at my subordinates . But I read some hurt in her eyes . Once again , Dew said to me , He Ning , divorce her , O . K . ? Then we live together . I nodded . I knew I could not hesitate any more . When my wife served the last dish , I held her hand . I 've got something to tell you , I said . She sat down and ate quietly . Again I observed the hurt in her eyes . Suddenly I didn 't know how to open my mouth . But I had to let her know what I was thinking . I want a divorce . I raised the serious topic calmly . She didn 't seem to be annoyed by my words , instead she asked me softly , why ? I 'm serious . I avoided her question . This so - called answer made her angry . She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me , you are not a man ! That night , we didn 't talk to each other . She was weeping . I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage . But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer , because my heart had gone to Dew . With a deep sense of guilt , I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house , our car , and 30 % stake of my company . She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces . I felt a pain in my heart . The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day . But I could not take back what I had said . Finally she cried loudly in front of me , which was what I had expected to see . To me her cry was actually a kind of release . The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer . Late that night , I came back home after entertaining my clients . I saw her writing something at the table . I fall asleep fast . When I woke up , I found she was still there . I turned over and was asleep again . She passed me the agreement she drafted , and then asked me , He Ning , do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day ? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me . I nodded and said , I remember . You carried me in your arms , she continued , so , I have a requirement , that is , you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce . From now to the end of this month , you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning . I accepted with a smile . I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically . thought it was absurd . No matter what tricks she does , she has to face the result of divorce , she said scornfully . Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable . My wife and I hadn 't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed . We even treated each other as a stranger . So when I carried her out on the first day , we both appeared clumsy . Our son clapped behind us , daddy is holding mummy in his arms . our son . I nodded , feeling somewhat upset . I put her down outside the door . She went to wait for a bus , I drove to the office . On the second day , both of us acted much more easily . She leaned on my chest . We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse . I realized that I hadn 't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a On the third day , she whispered to me , the outside garden is being demolished . Be careful when you pass there . On the fourth day , when I lifted her up , I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms . The visualization of Dew became vague . where she put the ironed shirts , I should be careful while cooking , etc . I nodded . The sense of intimacy was even stronger . I didn 't tell Dew about this . I felt it was easier to carry her . Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger . I said to her , It seems not difficult to carry you now . She was picking her dresses . I was waiting to carry her out . She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one . Then she sighed , all my dresses have grown bigger . I smiled . But I suddenly realized that it was I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart . Again , I felt a sense of pain . Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head . Our son came in at the moment . Dad , it 's time to carry mum out . He said . To him , seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life . She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly . I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute . I held her in my arms , walking from the bedroom , through the sitting room , to the hallway . Her hand surrounded my neck softly and On the last day , when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step . Our son had gone to school . She said , actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old . I held her tightly and said , both you and I didn 't notice that our life lacked intimacy . I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door . I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision . I walked upstairs . Dew opened the door . I said to her , Sorry , Dew , I won 't divorce . I 'm serious . fever . She said . I moved her hand off my head . Sorry , Dew , I said , I can only say sorry to you , I won 't divorce . My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn 't value the details of life , not because Dew seemed to suddenly wake up . She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears . I walked downstairs and drove to the office . I run up stairs , only to find my wife in bed - DEAD . She had been fighting Cancer for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice . She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from whatever negative reaction from our son , in case we push through with the divorce . At least , in the eyes of our son … I 'm a loving husband … Me : God , can I ask You a question ? God : Sure Me : Promise You won 't get mad . . . ... ... . . . God : I promise Me : Why did You . . . |
If you are a regular reader , you know what my answered prayer is , a negative sternum biopsy , letting the stem cell transplant transpire ! ! I got the news this afternoon by phone from my guardian angel , Stacy , who said she was so happy when the news popped up on her computer . The suspicious spot was due to trauma , it happened my first night home from the hospital after Thanksgiving when I tipped the walker over , hit a wooden kitchen chair and then crashed into the fireplace . I had such a sore chest for weeks after , especially since I came home with a rhino virus and had a terrible cough , it nearly did me in . But Dr . Lunning , reading the PET scan was unconvinced and gave it a 5 % chance of not being lymphoma , those odds were disheartening and when I read the actual PET scan results , my heart sank to my shoes . I kept thinking how could it not be from the fall but was prepared for bad news and wondered what was next . I 've not slept well the last few nights , lots of leg aches and that cemented the thought that is was something insidious in my body since that is what started the whole ordeal . It couldn 't have been that I was contorted into an uncomfortable position under the cattle waterer ! ( That is another blog complete with pictures . ) I still can 't believe the good news and may not sleep again tonight but for another reason . I remember the terror that came over me when Stacy outlined my previous pre - transplant schedule and suddenly didn 't want to go through with it . What a difference this time , I told her we could be there tomorrow if they had room ! We were invited by my sister in law , Susan , to their son 's house so we were hoping she had told them we were coming since we were the first to arrive . Even if we weren 't expected , they graciously welcomed them into their lovely home or another word for it is ' Legoland ! ' This is Jaxon with one of his coveted Lego 's that Santa brought but he couldn 't open it until he had the rest put together . Have you ever seen inside one of these kits ? There are what looks like thousands of itty , bitty , parts reminding me of the time Christmas was at my house at Whiting and several little girls got Barbie Dolls with all the trappings . For months after I found tiny little Barbie high heels and hair accessories . We played a fun game where you had try to unwrap a present while wearing oven mitts before the person next to you rolled doubles on the dice . I think we all ended up with something , I love my potholder / mitt combination . We also watched Christmas Vacation and The Christmas Story , I cringe when I think of him sticking his tongue to the flag pole . It was time for presents and Jaxon got another nerf gun to add to his arsenal , this one had 4 cartridges each holding several nerf bullets . When we got there , the rule was that Jaxon could not shoot people , well , that went out the window when Uncle Ross arrived and started shooting Jaxon . But isn 't that was male relatives are for , to corrupt the kid and change the rules ? It was a fun and relaxing day and we reluctantly left as the day was drawing to a close and the fog was setting in again . How it did that with the way the wind was blowing is a mystery but we arrived home safely . As I was building a fire in the stove to drive away the chill , I realized what I should have asked Santa to bring . Yesterday was biopsy day , I 'm always nervous because some have not been a good experience but I should know by now that the crew at NMC does all they can . We drove to Omaha Thursday night because the weather was not going to be good at home late that night and early morning and it wasn 't . This motel had a hot tub so we packed our swimsuits but by the time we got there , we were both out of the mood , after all , it was 7 : 30 , nearly our bedtime ! When we woke up and saw the cars with snow on top and wet streets we were glad we made that decision . With any ' procedure ' it 's hurry up and wait , we got to the hospital just before 10 and my appointment with the surgeon was at noon . They looked terribly busy but surprisingly on time . This biopsy was a CT guided so I was scrunched up in the machine with my legs hanging over the end , my arms above my head , blankets tucked around to try to keep me warm but leave my chest exposed to the world . Then the nurse had the audacity to ask if I was comfortable , I just rolled my eyes . Dr . Dafoe asked if I did well with sedation , I said I love sedation and he laughed so I was pretty fuzzy during the retrieval of tissue . Since my heart is right behind where they needed to biopsy , he went in from the side . It was scheduled to take an hour and they were right , I was back in my little cubicle when Bruce came in then watched me sleep for a couple more before we were set free . We drove in rain for awhile and further down the road we had a glimpse of what the morning commute was like . We saw a pickup and anhydrous tank on a trailer upside down in the west ditch , the pickup top was smashed and all four door were open . Just a little ways up or down the road I guess , there was a car in the medium still there . We were doubly thankful that we had not been in that mix master . Today is the annual Wilcox Christmas get together with family and , after being up and around , I 'm ready to go and spend a few hours . I might have to hang a sign around my neck , Hug Gently ! Sister Sue just invited us up to SC for Christmas dinner , you can 't beat that . No , she is a dedicated farm wife helping her hubby do chores in - 20 + temps in Iowa ! Lisa is a great friend who has let me live vicariously through photos of her lovely decorated house . Knowing I wasn 't going to get any up , she made me this cute Christmas tree out of clay flower pots and presents magically appeared . I couldn 't write this until I had a lot of time to mull over the news we received yesterday , a ( pretty ) good nights sleep and a strong cup of coffee liberally laced with International Delight Peppermint Pattie creamer brewed with my new Ninja Single serve coffee machine . Finally I have a coffee maker that brews coffee hot enough , I don 't have to put it in the microwave after ! I love it ! It takes a long wait to get results but at least we get them the same day , Dr . Lunning came in and said " I 'm going to cut to the chase , there is a suspicious spot on your sternum that needs to be biopsied . " The rest of the scan looked good and this was not there 30 days ago when I did the last one . Before he could go on I told him that my first night home from the hospital I fell in the night , crashing into a kitchen chair and the fireplace and really injured my sternum . It was terribly painful for such a long time , especially since I had the rhinovirus and was coughing my head off , when I sneezed it felt like my chest was splitting apart . It still is a little tender and I showed Dr . Lunning the spot and it 's pretty much the same place they saw on the scan . He knew I had fallen , didn 't know the entire story so he went back to call the radiologist and came back with the news that it didn 't look like a fracture injury and they have to know for sure . Bruce asked him what he thought the odds would be that it is not lymphoma and Dr . Lunninng said 5 % . He said he has given me the strongest chemo that they have in their arsenal and I don 't do well with it . He said I would breeze through the transplant if I ever get there . But he has to have another plan and that would be to try to control the dragon , not eradicate it , perhaps using a pill based regime . To my credit , I 've had so many set backs that I no longer burst into tears at bad news and I 'm sure that is a relief to Dr . Lunning ! We were very quiet on the way home , each digesting the new turn this is taking . Beth , Dr . Lunning 's nurse , called and said they got an appointment for Friday at 10 , it 's nice to have a Dr . with pull , otherwise it would have been next week . We will have to wait a week for results but at least we are a few days ahead of the game . We stopped in Correctionville and shared a pizza , then home and at 7 : 30 we were both headed up to bed , emotionally shot . In the night I was playing musical beds , to the couch with Clyde and back upstairs with Bruce , lots of thoughts swirling around my head . Then it was soon time for the program and 5 year old Treton stole the show with his flawless performance . He knew his lines as he told the Christmas story , in plain words , such as " We had a baby , but it wasn 't mine . " ( Do you think Joseph had a Superman robe ? ) . . . . he didn 't let the antic 's of his sister , Addison , corralled by their father , Tracy , or runaway Isabella , even the camera couldn 't keep up with her , interfere with his words or song . Tracy finally got the girls settled for the grand finale when suddenly Addison remembers baby Jesus by the stable . It was a great program and they received a rousing round of applause . With no change in the weather , we did wimp out on the caroling , I wasn 't going anyway , I didn 't want to go to a nursing home not knowing what might be going around in there . The rest of the places we would have gone , we would have stood outside and that would really put a crimp in the night with the - 0 temps . I had promised a pot of chili for the party after so we went home from church to a crock pot bubbling away , guaranteed to thaw our cold bones . Coupled with grilled cheese sandwiches and a cold glass of milk , it was a great meal . Days like these have Bruce thinking how much easier life would be without the cattle . It 's very , very cold and he discovered a frozen cattle fountain and the pipe frozen to the fountain . To top it off , he discovered water in the bottom of the pit , which should not have been . My first clue something was wrong was when Bruce called to see if I had a sump pump and hose he could use , yes I did . Even though I had drained the hose , it still broke into a 6 ft . piece but it made it easier that way . Soon I got a phone call , " Can you come help me , I 've called Grassy and dress warm . " He had squeezed himself under the fountain and was dipping muck out of the bottom of the pit , when he tried to take the pipe apart , it broke , adding insult to injury . While waiting for Grassy , I took ice cream buckets of muck from Bruce and dumped into a 5 gallon bucket and then dumped it onto the floor . Soon Grassy came and took over and there was nothing for me to do but go back home to the warm house . My gloves were filthy with muck but not much else . Bruce 's coveralls , on the other hand , were covered and went right in the washing machine . He did not sleep well that night , worrying about what to do with the fountain and was up before dawn . He ended up calling Marcus Lumber , Grassy came back and helped him remove the concrete fountain from the base so that guy didn 't have squeeze himself into the small hole that Bruce did the day before . It 's a good thing because he was a big guy and had a hard time putting a new pipe in . Bruce said he was kind of grumbling but at least he didn 't have to dip black , stinky muck out of the pit . They capped off the pipe , Bruce and Grassy put the fountain back in place to wait for nicer weather to hook it up . He also found out the water bowl had a small leak , that is why there was water in the pit and why it shorted out the electric heater keeping it from freezing . Tonight is going to be very subzero and the question is whether the wind comes up and produces ground blizzards and we have to cancel church in the morning . It 's the Sunday school Christmas program so I hope not , I look forward to it every year . We put together the goody bags at session the other night and tomorrow night is caroling . I made a crock pot of chili and will make a pan of cinnamon rolls tomorrow , whether we have it or not , we will eat good . This is a very different winter for me as I 'm pretty much confined to the house because of very low energy , my hemoglobin was down and that causes lack of oxygen to vital organs . So I know I 'm not just lazy . But life is pretty boring , I 'm not out and about and taking pictures of snow and cold and the animals I love . Or Bruce ! I spend a lot of time looking out the windows to see what is going on , late yesterday Mollie went crazy and I looked out just in time to see 4 or 5 deer run across the pasture , over the fence , across the road and on south . They were running like their tails were on fire so we assume there were hunters involved . . . . . . the two coyotes we saw this morning on the way to Cherokee for the latest blood test . One crossed the road just east of us and the other was standing in the field across from the pond . Why can 't we just all get along ? I 'm still fighting the mouse ( mice ) in the bee hive , I have two traps set with a mini marshmallow taped to the trigger . When the bugger ( s ) tripped one twice , I upped the game and put a sticky trap inside . But two days have passed and nothing has happened , I 'm just hoping he found the package of poison I put inside also . It 's way too cold to disrupt the hive to find him . Speaking of cold and it 's only going to get worse before it gets better , we have a quirky weatherman on Channel 4 , T . J . Springer who must have come from a warm climate because as soon as the weather changed , his constant mantra during his report was , " Stay inside , it 's too cold to be out there ! " Well , how would our animals get fed ? How would the bridge get built on our road ? How would you ever get mail delivered ? It was getting annoying and I think someone finally told him to shut up , because we have not heard that in the last couple of days . But the jury is still out when the temps are dropping on Saturday night to - 18 or so . I 'm glad that the chickens have a heater at night and all the animals have warm heated beds . I just wish all animals were so lucky . People are still being incredibly kind to us , we have a lot of food in the freezer to tide us over when I don 't have the strength to cook . Knowing I wasn 't going to get out any Christmas decorations , another friend , Lisa , brought us a mini Christmas tree she made from flower pots , it 's so cute ! And she brought food . The Christmas cards are coming in and I hope people understand that right now I 'm not in the mood to reciprocate , maybe in the New Year ? Those of you who live in a vermin free house , count your blessings , for those of us living in old farm houses , it is a constant battle . Not only can they flatten themselves and slide through the smallest crack , I saw this for myself one night in the upstairs bathroom , we have Naughty Zoe who thinks it 's great sport to bring a mouse in from either outside or the garage and dash to the basement or upstairs to play hockey with said mouse in the upstairs bathroom . They slide so nicely on the linoleum floor . ( One got away and scooted under the tiny crack between the closet door and the floor , it was like Houdini , one minute it was there , the next it was gone . So at 10 : 30 at night I was tearing Bruce 's closet apart to find the little devil , by that time Zoe has lost interest and it was up to me to whack him with my Croc and flush him down the stool . ) We hear mice in the walls and ceiling of the living room , Bruce said to put poison out but then you have to contend with the dead mouse smell . So after much thought , I bought sticky traps and installed them behind the door that leads to the plumbing in the upstairs bathroom . That worked pretty good , I was able to catch and dispatch 5 or 6 and the scrabblings are few but the war was far from over as we discovered when the dishwasher quit working . We determined it was a faulty water intake valve , thanks to You Tube , so ordered a new one from our local guy . When Bruce pulled it out to work on it , there was evidence of a mouse party to end all parties . I knew Zoe had been very interested in the cracks around the dishwasher , I should have paid more attention to her . We set traps and caught 3 in about 5 days . They made a mess , there was evidence that they probably raised a family under there and that counted for the small mice that Zoe kept finding and taking upstairs to her playroom . I was trying to clean out the mess from under the dishwasher and was concerned that there was water , Bruce replaced the water intake valve , started it up , shut it off and as the water ran out , we could hear drips . The darned mice had chewed on an outlet hose ! ! ! When we called back to Ebert 's , Mike said that he has only seen that trouble on Bosch washers , they must really like their brand of plastic . So I spent another couple of days , doing dishes by hand before the new part came in . We both held our breath when all the new parts were on and started the washer , water coming in , water going out and no drips , YEAH ! We 've heard that dryer sheets deter mice so tucked some around the plastic hoses and on both sides of the crack , just to be on the safe side , we still have the baited trap waiting . Whew , I thought , I think we have a handle on things - au contraire , Murphy 's Law interceded . I had not been to the bee hives for a long time , Bruce put the hay bales around when it got cold and I thought it was time to see how the sugar bricks were holding out . The first hive had finished their pan so I pulled it out . The second hive had a nasty surprise , a mouse popped out when I opened it , I tried whacking him with a top bar but he got away into the woods . That is not what I wanted to see . They still had a little sugar brick left that I pulled out and up popped another mouse head but he quickly retreated back into the hive . AAUUGGHHHH ! ! ! ! To make things worse , the bees started coming out and they don 't do well in cold weather , I wasn 't dressed to deal with them so we shut up the hive and went home . I had to make sugar bricks , find where they got in and figure out what to do with the one or more , still in there and try to protect the bees from coming out . I messed up the sugar bricks , the sugar caramelized and that is not good so jettisoned both batches . I took the old car , with all my bee supplies in the trunk over later armed with mouse bait and a trap , hoping I could convince the bees to stay in with smoke while I ousted the mouse ( s ) . The bees were not cooperative , they wanted to do battle with me so I left the poison in one end and the mouse trap on top and shut it up as tightly as I could . I thought the stiff piece of Styrofoam had left enough of a crack for the little buggers to get in . I didn 't sleep well last night , trying to formulate a plan and woke up to the snow that was predicted . Bruce found some rolled insulation to replace the blue , I took a flashlight , newspaper and the rest of the bag of sugar . Some bee keepers just lay newspaper down and put granulated sugar over it instead of making fondant or sugar bricks and they say it works well . I didn 't want the hives open long so quickly stocked the first hive , when I put me ear to the top bars I could hear buzzing down deep so that made me happy . I had the smoker ready when I opened the second hive and was happy to find a fat mouse in the trap . I decided against moving any of the other top bars because again the bees were wanting to come out , I slapped down their newspaper , covered it with the last of the sugar , tucked it full of insulation , re - set the mouse trap , and made sure all the edges met with no cracks . As I was looking at the front , I saw a bee start to come out , one board had warped just enough to leave a crack that I 'm sure a mouse could get in . I had run out of energy so called Bruce to the rescue , he brought a lathe and Makita and screwed it over the crack and called it good . I 'm afraid that I would have lost a lot of bees , had I messed around more , now I can go over and quickly check the trap . Obviously the mice really like the mini marshmallow I tape to the trap . It wasn 't what I wanted to find over there but in the grand scheme of things , it 's also not the end of the world . Just another one of those potholes that seem to line my path . After an extended balmy fall , old Mother Nature did a switcharoo and opened the door to the cold north winds along with a couple of snow flurries . More is predicted this weekend but we hope the weatherman is wrong . While I hole up in the house with the fireplace going , Bruce still has to do his outdoor chores along with a few wrenches in the works , like a frozen fountain this morning in the cattle yard . I know the easy way to thaw him out , with a pot of beef stew , easy , hearty and oh so satisfying ! When Bruce was dishing his plate up he said , " You need to take a picture of this ! " That was all I needed to hear . Did you notice my new pan ? Yes , it is the square deep Red Copper pan that is all over the infomercials on TV . I took a long time to finally order one , in fact I waited until Cyber Monday to get a discount and I truly love it ! I 've used it nearly every day since it came and it 's winner and believe me , I 'm not getting paid to say this . I 've always loved all my cast iron but they are heavy , this one is so light and cleans up like a breeze . What goes better with beef stew than cornbread ? But this is no ordinary cornbread but a Thanksgiving Sweet Skillet Cornbread , compliments of Heather ( Waugh ) Bircher . She has a special recipe in each of her hubby , Aaron 's , newsletters and I saved this one and decided today was the day , and was not disappointed . Baked in a cast iron skillet , served warm with butter and honey , it was more dessert than bread . But Bruce is a tough sell , as I was 'm - m - m - ming ' my way through my slice , I noticed he did not say much so I asked him what he thought . " It is alright . " That means he would rather have the 39 cent Jiffy mix or 89 cent Betty Crocker mix from the store , a travesty ! 3 . Whisk eggs and honey in a bowl , and then mix in milk , sour cream and browned butter . Add to flour mixture and stir until batter is combined . 4 . Melt the remaining butter over medium heat until it foams . Add to the batter . ( I used my 10 inch cast iron skillet to melt the butter and then baked the cornbread in it . ) 5 . Spread batter in medium pan and bake at 400 degrees until the cornbread springs back when pressed , about 20 - 30 minutes . ( 20 was perfect for me . I learned the hard way you do not want to overbake cornbread or it is dry and unpalatable . ) Things are kind of boring around here , there has been nothing of note to photograph much less write about with me pretty much house bound . A bunch of chicken treats , leftover popcorn , bread crumbs , etc . had piled up so when Bruce was ready to go outside after dinner , I asked him if he would like to make my chickens day . He gave me the ' look ' you know , the one that says , " HUH ? ? " He just doesn 't understand . I had the camera and stressed that he had to quiet going out the back door , if they hear me coming , they stampede out the chicken house door and that is what I wanted to avoid until I was ready . Unfortunately the lens cap was stuck on the camera and I couldn 't get it off , AAUUGGGHHHH ! ! So most of the girls were already milling around his feet , the black hen at the back is trying to get airborne . I 've taken back the dog , cat and chicken chores , the horses are easy because Bruce has them on a big round bale self feeder , I just have to make sure they are upright and taking nourishment . The chicken coop could use a cleaning but it can wait , yesterday I stepped in and my eyes began to water , " What is that smell ? ? " Broody Poop ! ! The little red frizzle 's goal in life is to be a mother and she is not to be deterred just because it is winter . She trolls the nests until she finds an egg that needs to be kept warm and settles on it , happy that her life is fulfilled once more - until one of us comes and rudely yanks the egg out from under her . Broody hens only get off the nest once a day and do their business and you know when they do it , you just need to watch where you step . But it didn 't start off well , I slept down stairs , assuring Bruce I would be fine and I was until I crashed and burned into a kitchen chair and then into the base of the fireplace . You can 't believe how quickly the weakness comes , I was on my way to the bathroom with my trusty walker and next thing I knew , I was on the floor with a bruised chest and nose . I left the carnage and crawled back to bed so Bruce was rather upset when he found it . I spent the day cautiously motoring around the house , reading some of the piled up mail , trying to make sense of more bills , what is paid and what isn 't , it gives me a headache . Blowing and sucking on my little breathing machine then coughing my head off , scaring Clyde into the next room . In his delicate condition , any loud noise sets him off , someday I 'm afraid he is going to have a heart attack . He still tip toes around the walker , waiting for it to lurch at him and being scared all over again . Zoe is still being a little standoffish , she hasn 't quite decided if I 'd paid penance for abandoning her so long . I 'm happy to have my tablet loaded with good books and even a jigsaw puzzle to break up the day . I decided to sleep upstairs last night so Bruce solicitously helped me up and get ready for bed . Then I couldn 't sleep , isn 't that just the pits ? But Zoe graced me with her presence , tucked in under the covers by my side , so I had to stay until I dozed off just before Bruce came up then woke at 11 , wide awake . I sat up on the bed , ready to sneak downstairs and he came full on alert , had the light on and the walker ready . So I went to the bathroom and back to bed to lay for another hour . My second escape attempt was better , I 'm so thankful for Bruce putting railings on the stairs and down to the basement , I hung on for dear life and was ready to plop my butt down on the stairs if I saw stars again . I fixed a cup of ' Sleepytime Tea ' compliments of Jean and a piece of cinnamon toast and was going through more mail when I heard the creak of feet on the stairs and Bruce was there , checking on me . What a loving hubby ! I 'm sure he was just glad he didn 't find me laid out on the floor . After sleeping on the couch with Clyde and a Hallmark movie running , I finally went back upstairs only to sleep fitfully the rest of the night . Beth , Dr . Lunning 's nurse extraordinaire , called yesterday and said I needed to get a blood test but I told her I just wasn 't up to it so she let me go till today . Bruce woke at 6 and told me to stay in bed till he got back from chores so he could help me shower , who was I to disobey ? Thanks to a loaner shower chair that went well and we got to Cherokee to find Carey , my guardian angel nurse , was assigned to me . We can 't say enough about the care and compassion of this outstanding young woman . She was very concerned about my cough and the fact that I felt I was getting another UTI so she called over to the other side of the hospital to Dr . Vandelune to get the okay for more tests . I know I have Rhinovirus which is a step up from the common cold and as a virus , antibiotics do nothing to cure it . So I peed in a bottle again and warned them of the blue color , this stuff isn 't leaving my system anytime soon and Carey wanted us to stay till all the tests were in clear me to go home , in case I needed some fluids . This is the way it is supposed to work , not call SC and not get any answers for hours , we are extremely grateful for all the loving care I have received . It took about an hour but we had a TV to watch ( Hallmark ! ) and Carey brought us drinks , I 'm supposed to be really pushing the fluids yet , I feel as though I will float away sometimes . Dr . Vandelune also told me to take some Musinix DM and Bruce had just bought when he first caught cold , how fortuitous ! My potassium was a little low which could lead to weakness so we stopped at the store for bananas , the one food that I always associate with high potassium . No apparent UTI but the ' Blue ' antidote has a history of irritating the bladder and they found glucose so told again to push the water . I was masked up and stayed in the car , then we stopped at Dollar General for some personal items and headed out of town . Halfway hI 've been up more today than yesterday , finished with the mail and washed some dishes , our dishwasher is on the blink for a few days . I fixed meatloaf for dinner , had some frozen just for this reason and then collapsed on the couch . We are still blessed with people wanting to feed us but we are fine for now . Love to you all . I never thought the events that would unfold when I came in for the 3 days of chemo , Bruce was here , waiting to take me home Thursday night when he noticed I wasn 't myself . I was having a bad reaction to the Ice regime and was out of my head . When I was asked to open my eyes , I opened my mouth . When I was asked what year it was , 1969 . When asked where I was , Cherokee and in the morning I ammended it to Marcus . The scary thing was I knew I was talking crazy but couldn 't do anything about it . In the middle of the night they did a CAT scan to make sure it wasn 't a bleeder and thankfully it wasn 't . They had a terrible time getting me up to the bathroom , it took 3 people and they finally brought in a comode . I remember at one point Bruce telling me to sit back on the commode or I will make a mess , he 's always there with the good advice . It 's humbling when you realize someone else wiped your bottom ! Bruce said at one point he thought I was nearly in a coma , totally unresponsive . By morning the cobwebs were clearing , I was getting a big syringe full of a beautiful blue every 4 hours so I was peeing a beautiful blue . One of the aides was rather taken back and said , " Do they know your urine is this color ? " But I was able to answer a little more coherently although I still had to search for my words . Now I know how my brother , Denny , feels . Bruce went home to do all the chores and came back to spend the night again , poor guy was running on empty because he hadn 't got much sleep with people in and out all night . Rosanne met him in Smithland with a complete turkey dinner that we thoroughly enjoyed and Bruce got to of see the Iowa Hawkeyes pummel Nebraska . Then he crashed on his pull out bed at 7 : 30 and slept off and on , depending on the nightly interruptions , till 5 : 30 this morning . Then it was off to home again to do chores and catch up on his lost sleep . I got no sleep Friday night , whenever I closed my eyes I saw pictures on a slideshow , letter writing , scenes from something I had seen , it was so wierd kind of like my brain couldn 't rest . Besides that my cough started coming back and you know what it 's like to try to sleep . By Sat morning I was so exhausted I felt sick and they started looking for something to help me . The best thing was this machine I had to blow and then suck into , I guess it expanded and exercised my lungs . They also gave me a codeine laced cough syrup along with some adavan that left me relaxed enough the sleep . I got better all day , still searched for words and that is frustrating . Thank heavens for my cell phone and texting , believe me , that is something coming from me but I would be up a creek without any communications were it not for the phone . Their wifi stinks , it only lets you on occasionally and then will kick you off with no advance notice . I know by the time I 'm ready to send this I won 't get on . It was a relief to get a decent nights sleep but eating is a struggle , I tried hot chocolate and cinnamon toast for breakfast and had carton of Yogurt while waiting for Bruce . He fixed me a Thanksgiving dinner and that tasted is good in small amounts . Saturday night my niece , Nancy , hubby , Frank and kids , Vanessa and Joshua showed up unexpectedly with a care package from Sister Sara , more Thanksgiving . It was greatly appreciated , Nancy fixed me a small plate , Bruce doesn 't get the word small ! Nancy did but I had to send the rest back home with them because there was no more room in my little fridge . But I 'm sure they will enjoy it . This morning I asked for a shower and clean clothes and by the time it was over , I couldn 't even dress myself . I made it to the bed and the aide helped me , I feel like a piece of limp spaghetti . When the doctor came in I told him I wanted to go home and he asked who would take care of me , Bruce would , that 's who . Of course I haven 't told Bruce yet ! ! But I know he 's all in , we are in this together . So we are now back home in our nest , both of us slept most of the evening away and I convinced Bruce to go to bed , it 's obvious he is exhausted also . I ate a little supper and might go for some sherbet before bed . We made a stop at the old house and got a walker so I have some support , I feel like an old woman ! As usual Zoe had to play hard to get but she finally settled down into my lap and slept , her Mama was back . Clyde staggered over , fell in my lap , laid awhile then went back to his end of the couch , his job was done . The virus I have is contagious so people need to stay away and I will be holed up here at home trying to regaine my strength . But feel free to send all the prayers you have in your reportar . We love you all . After trying all day to no avail , I was finally able to access the guest network at Ne Med Center so making good use of it by updating . The chemo last night went well but the steroids keep me from sleeping well and I 've been awake since 3 : 30 am with only a couple short naps . Luckily I found the Hallmark channel that was not on their TV guide and vegging out on Christmas shows , interspersed with reading the books I downloaded on the tablet . It takes 13 laps around this ward to make a mile and they encourage you to get out and walk . I can only make a couple laps before huffing and puffing so I go out more often and think I put in my mile today . I 'm still swilling down my 64 + oz of water everyday , it washes out the dead dragons from my kidneys and hopefully will prevent a repeat performance of dehydration . Dr . Lunning did some adjustments on the dosages to help with that also . Food is still a struggle , I have a refrigerator in my room and a microwave down the hall , they encourage you to bring food from home that you like . Last week I brought a container of Rosanne 's chicken and noodles but I felt like I was jinxing myself so left them home this time . What a mistake , they have a great sounding menu but it never tastes as good as I think it will . The dietition was in today to see how things are going and she encouraged me to keep trying , to lose an significant amount of weight now , even though it wouldn 't hurt me , could set things back . And I don 't want that ! I 'm looking forward to Bruce coming tomorrow and spending the day , I even promised him the TV to watch Vikings as long as he did some recording at home for me , guess ? Yes , Hallmark . Rosanne said she will send leftovers from dinner home with us when we come through Smithland and you know it always tastes better the second day , but it will be a late night . I 'm on my last of three chemo drugs and this one goes for 24 hours so wherever I go , my pole goes with me , even for walks . I 'm comfortably ensconsed in room 7482 at the Neb . Med Center , eagerly awaiting my first dose of chemo . If that sounds crazy , you don 't know the roller coaster I 've been on for the last few months . I was supposed to be here last week but elevated liver functions lead to an ultrasound that showed suspicious lesions on my liver . The ones that were supposed to be gone after the last round . So another PET scan was set up for today , a week of thinking of the ' what ifs . ' The dragons in my body are constantly on my mind , having a cold and not feeling well anyway didn 't help . The PET scan is a 2 hour ordeal and then the wait for Dr . Lunning to see the results . Janet came with us today and it was appreciated . She not only has family home but they are celebrating their Thanksgiving tomorrow so it was extra special to have her along . I just had the feeling when I saw Dr . Lunning come in the room , he didn 't bounce in with a big smile and shout " Good News ! " But he said it was good , the PET scan showed what was on the ultrasound was dead and dying tissue on my liver so it was onward and upward with the chemo to keep the bastards on the run ! I never thought I 'd be so happy to be in the hospital , his nurse , Beth and Stacy , the transplant nurse case manager already have the schedule set up for transplant , they are that sure it will happen . The 20th of Dec I will begin the pre - transplant stuff so be home for Christmas . It all feels rather sureal , after all the road blocks it seems as though we are finally on the right track . I sent Janet and Bruce on their way so they could get out of town before it got very dark , this city driving is not for sissies . Besides I 'm in good hands here , I only have one complaint , they don 't have Hallmark on their TV ! How can that be ? ? That is unamerican ! ! Sunday I turned to my favorite , buttermilk , honey white bread , it never fails . It made two normal sized loaves and a bit left over so I made it into cinnamon bread . YUM , YUM ! The house was toasty warm and smelled heavenly and I needed someone to enjoy it with me so texted , yes , I 'm texting , Kim " What ya doing ? I know it 's cold but the fire is going and I just pulled fresh bread out of the oven ? " I just stepped out the back door to shut up the chickens when I heard a ' ping ' - " I 'll be right over ! " I don 't even know what to call it any more , a bump in the road , a detour , one of those damned roundabouts but again we were stopped from proceeding full steam ahead at the doctor appointment yesterday . It was to be my 2nd round of ICE chemo , leading to the stem cell transplant but Dr . Lunning wanted me to have an ultrasound first on the liver to see what was going on . Nothing , that is what was going on , the lesions had no significant change and that did not bode well . Something else that didn 't bode well was when Dr . Lunning came in the room and started beating around the bush , he can 't just come out and say , " GOOD NEWS ! WE ARE WEARING THE BASTARDS DOWN ! ! " He explained that this ICE treatment was good for 28 days , yesterday was day 21 so it still had another week to work . But because he is such a conscientious doctor , he couldn 't and wouldn 't send me through it again without knowing exactly what the dragons are doing . So the next plan is for a PET scan next Tuesday , depending on the results , I will go into the hospital for the ICE chemo , if it isn 't good I will get a chemo on outpatient and come back home that night . Dr . Lunning keeps telling me he is working toward a transplant but when he started talking about clinical trials , cold chills ran up my back , that seems like a last resort . After braving the rat race and seeing a traffic stop on Interstate 29 on the way home , found out it was a guy who tried to entice a young girl into his car in Onawa , BUSTED ! we called both Rosanne and Sam and Larry Waugh to see if they would meet us in Sloan for Pizza . Everyone but Larry made is since he just got home from trucking . It was good to see them and not have to think about things for a bit . Then we wound our way home across country , it probably took longer that if we 'd gone straight to SC but it was kind of fun . Bruce has had a bad cold and I woke up with it myself this morning , great . This is supposed to be our last nice day so in between bouts of lying comatose on the couch with Clyde , I get up and do a few things outside . Luckily I did most of them earlier in the week . . . . . . and we don 't get to say that very often ! Bruce has been hard at work doing odd jobs with the cattle working lurking in the back of his mind . He finally bit the bullet and scheduled it last week for this morning , not knowing what the weather might bring . But Mother Nature looked down on us with kindness , it was a chilly morning but sunny and less windy . He was off and running early this morning to get the calves in the barn , the cows up in the pen by the barn and the runway to the chute that the vets would bring , set up . My job yesterday was to make rolls and I turned to Pinterest . The guys love my caramel pecan rolls but I 've been wanting to try the raspberry rolls so made a double batch , Oh , my , come to Mama ! The most important job they have , besides guiding the reluctant bovines through the alley way so Bruce can convince them to go into the chute , is to check the barn for any wayward calves . One year a little one bedded down in a dark corner and was over looked . This group looked like it was eager to leave . They worked the cows first , then drove them back to the dry lot so they could go to the field and they wasted no time . This little girl is the last baby born so she is still with her mother and what a live wire . I don 't think the cows quit running until they reached the far end of the field . We didn 't start out supporting him , like others , we thought he was just a flash in the pan . Dr . Ben Carson was our man and I hope some day we see him in the White House , such a good , honest , christian man . But as the field winnowed down and Trump was left standing , we threw our support to him . We were both so dismayed by the antics of the Clinton 's , they feel they are above the law and have managed to get away with so much for so long . Also the entitled feeling that this was her time , she deserved it . Really , that is how you pick a candidate ? It was such a brutal , nasty , long campaign that stretched everyone 's nerves , I quit watching national news , stuck to my Hallmark and muted any commercials that weaseled their way in . More and more I sought the solitude of my gazebo with Zoe and my tablet loaded with easy reading books . I avoided any political conversations with friends , it was just upsetting . We are in the 60 + % who were troubled with the direction this country was taking . We felt like Obama thought he was King rather than president , what he couldn 't get through in the lawful process , he dictated with his ' pen and phone . ' We 've been looked down on by the elites on the East and West coats as being ' fly over country ' , that we were told we had no voice . As everyone knows , most of the pundits gave Trump no chance of winning . But as we , and others , drove around the country , what we saw were Trump signs , every where , and hardly any for Clinton , was that the first clue that something was brewing ? There really was a silent majority and they stood up and shouted . But there is another theory by Franklin Graham , Billy Graham 's son , who I have great respect for , the God Factor . Hundreds of thousands of Christians across the country have been praying to stop the godless , atheistic progressive agenda from taking over the country . I realize that there are a lot of people who vigorously disagree with everything I 've said and I respect that so please keep any comments respectful . We are disgusted and appalled with the demonstrations that are destroying property belonging to innocent people because of the hired thugs . Compare this to 2008 and the Tea Party - no wait , there is no comparison because there was no rioting and destruction of property , we all went back to our lives and accepted the results . Our wish for this country is that the vitriol will end , people will stop and think before tweeting out or posting vicious words . We are all adults here , aren 't we ? The internet has contributed to the rudeness of American 's you can spew out anything and very few ever take responsibility for their actions . The gridlock has to end in D . C . , they seem to forget why they are there , that we sent them and they work for us . They should each be required to read the Robert Fulcrum book " All I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten . " If you haven 't read it , please consider it . Wouldn 't it be a movement to send a send a copy to your Senator or Representative , would they get the message ? It 's Friday , Veteran 's Day , did you thank a vet today ? It 's a beautiful sunny day and I 'm feeling much , much better , no more close encounters with the floor . Still eating small amounts and drinking copious amounts of water , I was ordered to drink at least 64 oz a day so that kept me tied pretty close to the ' loo ' , as Gary Puckett put it one summer when he played at the Cherokee Co Fair . He said he had to drink a gallon of water a day to keep his vocal cords lubricated . I 've always drank a lot of water but not that caliber and , at first it was hard but now I find my body has adjusted to it and I think I 'm going over . The water is to protect my kidneys from the dead dragons that the chemo is slaying . |
OK , OK , don 't kill me for the buyer 's remorse part . That phase is over , but it was seriously a problem for a while . While I know that no horse will ever be the same as Spyder , I was expecting a lot . I just wanted Denali to like me , and he wanted the same back . We both tried so hard in the beginning to impress each other , and it was weird , awkward , and somewhat sad . I am not sure if I wrote in the whole story of how getting him and then not getting him and then getting him again went down , but I can post back that story . Dom alludes to it here . Tacking this horse up , he 'd shake . Quivering , I would assure him that I wasn 't going to hurt him . He was head shy , and I could hardly touch his ears . Like Dom mentioned ( and posted lots of photos ) , he needed some help . He saw the vet , then a combo vet / dentist / chiro / acupuncturist and that seemed to help him out . He LOVED the chiro work , and the dental work corrected his sharp edges ( and HUGE mouth ulcer from it rubbing ) . Poor guy , he was feeling better once he woke up from the sedation . That is when I got to pluck his hair for the DNA test ! He stands well to get on , and he is such a treat hog . We had a lot of issues from the start , though . He would be weird around the barn , he 'd rear out int he big ring , he 'd rear and pull to the barn , and even jig back to the barn . When back at the barn , he 'd shoulder out to his paddock . JERK . These were the reasons for the buyer 's remorse comments . Something had to change or I wasn 't sure this was the right choice . I had a lesson with the BO and she got us going FORWARD instead of UP . UP turned into BACK before it was FORWARD , but now we 're FORWARD and on ! It took a few lessons to get it right , but the last 5 or so rides have been forward and no up . After the BO got us going forward , I decided to take a lesson with Danny . " The Danny Lesson " as I like to call it is always interesting . He 's a level III ICP certified instructor , and boy are his lessons intimidating . I figured , what could be worse than what I 've been dealing with and so it happened . I was not with it at all . I was just fearing he 'd go up again and that would be the end of the lesson . He had his moments of up , but leg on and not letting go was the answer . Nothing was right , though . I wasn 't sitting right , my hip wasn 't right , my leg wasn 't right , and so we had to sort through that before I could start . Next step was his steering , moving him off my leg , and keeping him moving . That was all turn into the fence and push off and go . Turn into the fence , go . I always feel like a cowgirl when I take a lesson with him . I 'm glad he decided to put me in the round pen , and we certainly were not even good enough to come out of it for the duration . Once we got going , it got OK , but leg , leg , and more leg was tiring ! Next , to fix his head tossing and my awful hands . I rode with a crop horizontal to the ground to keep my thumbs up . I had to pull back until the horse would give . I thought I was going to get punched off the horse with his head , but I stuck with it for over 10 minutes until he gave . UGH , finally . I 'm sure if it were anyone else , it would have been 2 minutes , but I finally got it together and got to push with leg and could soften when he 'd give . It got nice , and we moved to trot . Lesson learned , I am out of shape , suck at riding , and I need help . Good news is , Danny didn 't hate him . I 'm sure he didn 't love him , but he would tell you if he hated him . . . so I think that means he likes him ? He 's just OK in his eyes , I assume . He 's got potential ? Either way , I 'm not trying to be a competitive rider ( we 're no where near being ready for anything other than trailering to get out and see things ) . I 'm just trying to get somewhere ( forward and not up and maybe slower ) , and if the competition arises from his ability ( because we know it 's certainly not mine ) , then we 'll take it from there . Hopefully I can get back to this blog thing so that I can keep updates coming . He 's gotten so much better a lot quicker than I thought . I 'm glad things turned around . : ) I was waiting to post this to upload videos of my struggles , but I will save that for another post . And so a new journey begins . Finding a horse to fill the shoes of Spyder has been difficult . It 's been a lot of riding , a lot of phone calls , and a lot of annoying " horse people . " People that want to lie , people that just want to unload , people that expect you to bring cash and the trailer to decide right then and there , and some , but very few people that care about where their horses end up . Horse people are just plain weird , aren 't they ? Summer is an awful time to look for a horse , and I knew if I could be patient , more would pop up in the fall . Chris was on board for me getting a new horse and expressed that before I could even bring it up . I went on vacation shortly after Spyder passed ( Glacier , Teton , Yellowstone , and Rocky Mountain National Parks ) , and mustangs were on my mind ! I rode one before I left , but he sold while I was gone . I was upset about it , but I knew I couldn 't be so excited about the first horse I rode . We went to a mustang museum / refuge type place and saw a ton of awesome horse hair items . I took some pictures and got the name so that I could eventually get Spyder 's tail turned into something awesome . I was thinking a dream catcher since I always wanted one , and they had a nice example of one there . If anyone knows of any good people to turn horse hair into art , let me know ! The mustang place was super cool and followed the lineage of a herd that has been there for over 200 years . I asked her all about the BLM and adoptions , but I wish they weren 't so far . I got a cool shirt and a magnet to give them some money for annoying them with all of my questions . Click here to check it out - it 's in " the middle of nowhere " which was most places in Wyoming . I went back to SRF where Spyder came from and tried a few after I got back . Of course , it was just as hot as the 95 degree day that I went to meet Spyder on . This time was different , and I was wishing Dom was there still to help me pick one out . She did a great job at matching me when she was there before . I believe I rode 3 , maybe 4 . The first was the 3 year old I had been eyeing up , I liked him , he was never ridden under saddle , and I hopped on . He was obviously not sure what to do , but he was so very good . I rode another after him , a mare , and she had a bit of an attitude . After that , I rode another gelding that had a prior injury , and he was too uppity for me . I liked the 3 year old , but I sat on it . I went home , and I thought , and I knew I needed to ride some more . I rode another mare that I liked , but I knew she 'd be a lot of work to bring along . I scheduled a ride out to PA to check out another that I thought would be a great fit , and wen tot visit him . He was what I was looking for , but again , I knew I had to think about it . He had trail experience , but no ring work , so I wasn 't sure I was up for that , either . I rode another from the barn that would be for sale come the end of a summer lease , and she was nice , too ( rode her when one fell through to feel better that day ) . I just kept going back to thinking gelding , though . I did find a gelding that I went to see with the BO , but I passed on him so she could scoop him up because I thought he 'd be better as a lesson horse . Thinking back , I think I rode others ? I know I was over 10 , but it feels like an eternity ago because I was trying so hard and talking to anyone and everyone that had something for sale . I had to look beyond a few because of dealers or bad connections . There is nothing in south jersey ! Anyways , the one that fell through came back around , and I had to tell myself that if it was meant to be , it would happen . It happened , and it 's getting easier to stomach the idea of it all . I think that we 're both trying so hard to please each other because we 're both into getting the other to like us . He needs to settle , and I need to accept that it 's not going to be the same . He 's super cute , super friendly , and super willing to please . Your guess is as good as mine on what he is , and he 's around 6 years old . I 'll tell you his background in another post , but . . . If anyone read my last post , you would know that Spyder had a case of cellulitis that was easily resolved using SMZ 's and bute to kick it in the butt . Memorial Day ( Monday , June 30th ) is when he was a bit off and had a little bit of a temperature ( but it was HOT and humid ) . I went to take a lesson , and he was a little stocked up . It was hot and he was in the shed , so I thought nothing of it . He was sound to walk so I got on , but he was a bit lame when trying to trot for me . It wasn 't bad , but I was worried about him so we got in touch with the vet . I hopped off and I took a lesson on another horse after giving him some meds so he could feel better . I went on a work trip , so the trainer / barn owner helped me with his medication . He was a worse the next day , even worse the next when I saw him ( much like a fire hose - no definition in the joints ) . I hosed him top to bottom , and he was enjoying the hose to cool off and relieve some of the inflammation . The vet had come out and giving him an injection of stronger antibiotics to kick it , as well . His legs were great by the weekend . I wasn 't sure how long to continue his meds so I contacted the vet , and 5 days was perfect for him . He was free from needing any more and looking great by Saturday , but he was quite the baby with them . After the meds , he wouldn 't eat anything . I know bute is bitter , but come on , Spyder , you love food ! After I gave him them , I would graze him and it would take him a while to eat again . He always makes it totally obvious that he doesn 't want to be bothered with medicine . It was a fun few days of catching him by bringing him carrots that he was only interested in when other horses would eat them first . He 'd hear them munching and I could grab his halter . I brought either a grain bucket or a carrot , and I got him each day - getting him to take any medication by day 2 is always an adventure because he was smart . He knew what you were doing , and he wanted no part of it . When I gave him the last dose of meds on Saturday ( his 9th birthday - HAPPY BIRTHDAY , SPYDER ) . I took the picture below with him , and he put his face in the corner of the stall because he didn 't want anything to do with medicine . He wouldn 't even eat a carrot , and I felt guilty that it seemed he hated his birthday when I wanted to make it special for him . He seemed to be really hot , though . Earlier in the day , I was at a bridal shower , and it was so insanely humid that you would sweat just sitting there so I don 't blame him . I believe I found him in the run in shed before I got him in the stall , and I could see he still had some of his winter coat . He didn 't shed out like I was used to seeing , so I got the hose on him to cool him off . I was glad that he was in the shed , and even happier to know that since the " lead " of the herd left , he was able to take back over and have his way with what he wanted in the paddock . He was playing with the hose and making me put it on his face like he loves . He always tries to drink from it and splashed everyone around . He really enjoyed that bath to cool off and I got a lot of additional hair off of him in preparation for more heat to come . The days are quite the blur with everything I 've had going on ( 3 weeks left of grad school ) , but I think it was Sunday ( now June 5th ) that I got a call he wasn 't eating his grain . There are a mother and daughter that feed , and the daughter noticed he was breathing heavy ( pony clubber and 4 - h ' er in the club I help lead ) . I got a call when I was out food shopping from the barn owner , but she advised me that her daughter was out there mowing and to call her because she wasn 't home . Again , Spyder , eat your food . The meds are over ! I knew it was hot , but there was a lot of rain coming so I was glad it would cool him off . I barn owner let me know that she was out there mowing around 5 or so and he was looking fine in the field . I was relieved to hear that , and with the rain on the way was glad he could cool off in the shed . Monday , I went to check on him after work because I was worried about him not eating . I wanted to make sure there was no grain in his bucket , but I did see a few crumbs left over which wasn 't like him . I wasn 't told that he didn 't eat , and when the feeder was asked , he said that he did eat which made me happy . I pulled him out of the field where he was hiding in the shed . He didn 't run so I knew he was glad the medicine was over . He came in , and he wouldn 't really do much . He didn 't want to eat carrots , he didn 't really want grain , and so I hosed him . He was his playful self in the water , and he was so thrilled that I bathed him . I grabbed his temp to make sure he was good , and I updated the vet with some information . His temp was good , so I was worried he was colicing . I took it again , and someone else helped me ( which it turns out I didn 't need , but he just stood in the round pen where I put him ) . Unlike the 3 people it usually takes to get the temp , he was compliant , so I knew something was off . He was picking at the grass around the round pen , though . That made me happy . I brought him water , and he drank the bucket I lifted to his face . The same mother and daughter came to feed , and I already had him out trying to graze him a bit . He was next to the bathing area hanging out with his paddock mate while he got a bath , he was jealous about the hose on him so I grabbed the hose from her in the middle of the bath and put some water on Spyder to cool him down . He was eating grass ( being picky , but he was ) , and he was dragging me around like he usually does . They came with his grain to feed when I had him out , and he was eating his grain slowly from the bucket . The mother that fed was worried because he wasn 't devouring it like he usually did , and she said that he would keep eating , even with colic , which is true . At this point , I was a bit worried . Spyder didn 't want to really walk any where quickly , but he was happy to go back in the field with his buddies . I put him back out because he seemed upset that it was feeding time , and he didn 't get to go snip out the buckets from the other horses like he was used to . I stayed to watch him walk past the other horses and right into the run in . I was upset that he didn 't drink any water , but I was happy that had a lot of grass . I stayed until 9pm or so and didn 't eat dinner because I was so worried about him , he looked like he was walking a bit stiff which worried me that the cellulitis wasn 't completely done . I woke up early on Tuesday to get there . I opened my eyes at 5am , and I popper right out of bed to get to the farm to check on him . I could hear him breathing heavy like he has been before I got there . I pet him , and he didn 't want to walk . I tried to pull him out of there , but he didn 't move all but a couple steps . At this point , I grabbed him some water ( because I don 't know if he would have walked to get some ) and a thermometer to get his temp . He was already shoving himself back in the corner , he didn 't move so I could get his temp which was good . Still , no temp . I didn 't believe it , so I took it again . He was still showing no temp . I tried to get him to walk again , but he didn 't want to , and he didn 't want water . Now , I was REALLY worried . I had already texted the vet with no answer , and so I called the emergency line . By now , the person that feeds most morning was there , and he always comes to him . None of the horses would come to him because they were all in the run in . He banged on the gate , and the 2 that were out came , but Spyder was behind . The vet didn 't answer , so I texted the barn owner who got ahold of her . She said it 'd be about an hour before she could get there , but she called me to say sorry and that I was next , and she was hurrying . I had to leave for work because I had a demonstration so I was upset I couldn 't be there , but happy she was on her way . I didn 't let the vet know that , though . I brought him in with the help of the feeder , and it was awful . He couldn 't really move , he was so stiff . He didn 't want to move . He tried his best , while the feeder led him , and I pushed his sides . Clicking and saying " walk , walk , cluck cluck , walk " the whole way . Spyder was still breathing heavy , but he made it . He went to his stall . I got him water , and I actually filled two buckets so they wouldn 't have to change it for me . He just stayed in the corner like he did on his birthday , but I went in and gave him carrots . He ate them , but he was chewing slow . He wouldn 't touch his grain . I was so upset , but I knew the vet was on her way . The barn owner was coming with a fan and he would get banamine soon . I wasn 't sure what the stiffness was , but I was thinking laminitis . Is this what the cellulitis turned in to ? Was he colicing ? I was panicked . He has some nasal discharge and was sneezing , so maybe he was getting something else ? The vet called me from the barn asking where I was . She was worried and let me know that she was thinking it was in his chest . If he had a tumor or something , it would have released protein which would have made his legs swell from the change . It would have also given him the pain that he was experiencing to walk . She told me that he needed to get to a vet hospital and that she wanted to see an ultrasound of his chest . I let her know that that was fine , and she told me that the barn owner was already getting the trailer to get him up there ( so I didn 't drive 30 minutes home and 30 mins back after hooking up the trailer ) . I was so thankful that she could arrange for that for me to get him up to Mid - Atlantic which is a two - hour drive . They had the facilities to get the ultrasound done and find out what it was . I spoke with the owner when she was on her way and thanked her because I didn 't want to let my job down . I wanted to be there , but I had a presentation . I couldn 't focus . I let the sales rep know that I had an emergency , and he sped through the demo for me . I was closing up what I had to get done ( Tuesday , June 7th at this point ) . I knew I had to travel for work later in the week so I wanted to work as much as I could in case I needed to get out of traveling . I powered through it all , and I called the hospital a few times for updates . First , they said that the Doctor would call , he didn 't . The barn owner wanted an update since she was waiting for him . They wouldn 't tell her anything . I called again , they said he was with him and that he 'd call . He didn 't . I called AGAIN and they said he would call in just 1 minute because she just saw him , and he said he would , and he didn 't . He got there around 12 : 30 - 1 so I wasn 't sure what was going on by 2 . At this point , I got in my car and drove . I told work I had to go because I needed answers . I went home , I contacted the barn owner and told her that she didn 't have to stay because they didn 't tell me anything . I was going to grab my trailer and try to keep calling them on my way . I didn 't know what to do , I couldn 't think . I texted Dom , and I asked her if she lived near the hospital , because I thought she did . She let me know she was 10 minutes away and that she could meet me there after work . She was out at 4 , and that was earlier than I could get there , so I appreciated that . She raced there after work , and by then , the doctor told me a little . I wasn 't even home to change or grab the trailer , I was almost there , but I made a wrong turn . I ended up in a parking lot at a store near our house , and it was this point that I knew I was losing it . I couldn 't even drive to my own house - what was wrong with me ? I hung up from the barn owner to take the vet call and he gave me a play by play of what happened . I told Dom I 'd call her when I knew more . I spoke to him in the parking lot and he gave me a play by play , so very calmly that it calmed me down . He gave me the chain of events . Spyder got there in the trailer , and he didn 't look so great . They said he wasn 't able to walk off so they blocked his legs . He walked himself into the exam room at this point , but he collapsed and they couldn 't get him up . They let me know he was really bad and they were trying right now to get him up so they could get him into a stall . The did some tests , but they only knew it was pain , possibly kidneys , and a calcium issue . I was heartbroken . I called the barn owner to update her as I drove home to get changed . I told her the update , and she said , " Jess , he was really bad . He was trembling , and they couldn 't even get him to walk off the trailer without shots in all of his legs . " I was happy that she didn 't upset me at work because she knew I had a presentation , and I can 't thank her enough for saving me from worrying hours sooner . I called Dom to rely that to her , and let her know I was 2 hours out , letting the dog out to pee , and changing . I got home , put the dog out , and went to change . I took off my dress pants and I stood in the closet crying . I was staring at all of my pants / bottoms . Jeans , sweatpants , yoga pants , running pants , leggins . I was literally staring at them - why couldn 't I put them on ? I was a wreck . I gave Dom play by play updates where I was . She called me when she was on her way . She was getting there 30 minutes of so before me . On the highway , she called me . I had to give them permission to tell her anything and let them know she could see him . She told me she was going to see him , and she texted me photos of him standing in a stall . I was so relieved that he was up . I was also upset that the Doctor didn 't update me . I was even more happy to know that Dom knew the doctor that was working on him . She knew him since she was 12 or so and was hoping to see him before I got there . She thinks that they probably just got him up and in a stall when she got there , and she let me know he was looking for food . This was a huge relief considering they told me it was so bad that I shouldn 't even go there because he was on the floor and not getting up . Dom came to the front when i pulled up and showed me where the office was when I got him . They wouldn 't let me past them until I confirmed by address ( which they did on the phone when I called the first time prior to telling me anything ) and made me fill out a credit card slip . I didn 't even read the form I signed and had no idea about costs or what they would keep doing or not doing because I didn 't consent to anything that I knew of . I realized when I left that night that I didn 't even sign the form . I went back to the stall , I looked at him , and I was heartbroken . He was on fluids to flush his kidneys and calcium because his levels were so low . He has icepacks on all 4 of his legs , so I new it was laminitis . The doctor mentioned that when I was on the phone with him , but I didn 't even really listen other than hearing he was on the ground . Dom even asked me the Doctor 's name prior to going and I said that I have no idea . I listened past that to get the update . It was hard to see him , he was showing a lot of weight loss . He was still breathing pretty heavy , but he was also heavily sedated . He did perk his ears when he saw me , and he was showing an interest in water . Since he was on the fluids , he was peeing a lot , and it seemed to be coming out well . It was clear , and I was happy to see him pee . It seemed like he was trying to pee on Monday and Tuesday when he was at the farm because he was dropped . I did tell the local vet that he was not holding himself up which was unusual for him - which is why I was SO very happy to see him pee . Everyone there seemed happy because it was clear , too . Dom knew two of the people that worked there , and Mike was coming to bring her some clothes since she came from the clinic . I didn 't care that Dom thought she smelled ( she didn 't ) , she gave me a big hug , knew the doctor , and knew employees . She kept me calm and even showed the people there a photo of what he looked like before looking like this . It was sad to see him , but he still wanted to eat and was munching on some hay . He was shifting his weight a lot , but he could move to get the hay . He could have comfort on the bedding they had for him , and I had comfort knowing he was at least somewhat comfortable . It was just hard to see him sedated and losing weight . The doctor spoke to me and said that he had some real concerns . He was unsure how his calcium levels were so low if his kidneys were so bad . He mentioned kidney disease and said that the ultrasound showed some abnormalities on them . He didn 't seem to say much about a prognosis , but he was doing his best with the information he had to figure it out . They ran another blood test on him and said they would get me the results before I left . We went up front and hung out , but we never heard anything . We went back into the barn and saw Spyder again , he got some new ice on his feet , and we talked with a few of the other horse owners we saw while checking out the other horses . I was so happy that he was here , Dom was close , and that she knew those that could keep me updated . I went back to Dom 's , we ordered dinner , and we fed her two boys , checked out Mike 's awesome woodshop , and relaxed . It was so nice of them to have me over , and I was so happy I got to meet Mike , see the puppies , and try to forget about the stress . Their place will do that to you . . . it 's beautiful . I left knowing that I had real support here , they both felt for me and offered their support and caring . Dom was already reading up on kidney issues so that she could understand what may have caused this . I drove home , and I was hopeful that I would get better news the next day . I was able to sleep knowing that he seemed comfortable and was eating ( but I spent so much tears the way there and back still ) . I went to work on Tuesday , and I let them know I was waiting on the vet to call with an update because they ran the blood work . The vet from the hospital called and said that his kidney levels were better , but he was still in so much pain . He didn 't say a whole lot , but he did ask if I was visiting . It wasn 't until I hung up that I realized maybe he wanted to tell me something in person . He mentioned severe kidney issues , and I straight up asked what the prognosis would be . He said best case , a comfortable pasture pet , but he didn 't know if was fit to be comfortable with both the kidney disease and laminitis . He said kidney issues are not good for horses . In not wanting to hear that , I asked if he could be ridden again - yes , I sounded like a crazy person , but I needed to hear it in some other term . He said that he could not see him being ridden or used as he was before , could only hope to ease his pain ( and said again that he was on a lot of it and had a bad night ) , and it would be a long road to recovery , if he would even recover and that he could not see him getting in a trailer any time soon . At this point , I didn 't know what to think . I got off the phone , and I knew what it meant . It just wasn 't processing . At this point , I let Dom know that I was headed back up there . I let the standardbred facility where I adopted him from know what was going on , and the founder said to call her . I spoke to her , and she let me know that it wouldn 't be easy , and I gave her the whole story of how this was simple cellulitis on the Monday before , and now Wednesday , a week and a half later , it 's this . She was comforting in letting me know that I did everything I could have done and confirmed what I already knew , but didn 't yet admit . I spoke with work , and I was on my way out . I called the local vet and left a message for her to call me back . I didn 't hear back so I texted her . I again went home to change , and I let the dog out . I was sobbing . Literally sobbing . The dog was so upset and scared that he curled his tail under and ran away from me . I let him out back , and he was afraid to come back in . He was just as upset as I was that life was like this for me . I headed out and realized I was forgetting carrots so I stopped at a store on the way up to buy a bag . I knew it would be Spyder 's last bag . He loved them so I went in to the grocery store and took a deep breath . I thought I was OK , but I cried in line , during checkout , and the whole way to the hospital . I was patiently waiting for the local vet to call when I saw I got a voicemail from her . I was upset my phone didn 't ring , but she instructed me to call her right back . She was also so helpful in this process and left me a very long message the night before letting me know that she was there for me and Spyder was lucky to have me to get him to the hospital as soon as he did . Others would not have given him a shot , and she comforted me knowing that I was giving him just that . I pulled over before I called her back because I knew what she would say . I let her know that whatever she said , I knew what I had to do . She was so very happy that I was willing to listen , and let me know that she spoke with the vet at the hospital . He was very concerned and she let me know that the medication he was on was serious stuff . He wasn 't going to be much of a horse without prolonged medication , and he couldn 't be on many drugs because of the kidney issue . She explained it to me using smaller animals as the example . You could take a dog or cat to the vet to get fluids in them to keep them going , but a horse wasn 't so easy . The vet explained his levels to her , and they were both surprised he made it to the hospital alive . She explained to me that he was an incredible animal . He taught her so much and she thanked me for giving her the opportunity to work with him . She let me know that he wasn 't easy and he always had her researching things because he was so different than other cases for anything he had going on . She let me know that he was so very strong and he hid what he had all along . She mentioned that the other doctor asked her what he should do - as far as continuing to try to help him or to take the pain away . She let him know that he knew the answer to that and he thanked her . I cried like a baby to the vet . Hearing that made it more real . I knew what would be in his best interest leaving work , but I knew that I needed to hear it from her to come to terms with everything . I got back on the road and got to the hospital . On the way , I let Dom know what was going to happen , and she met me there . I got there before her , and the office was closed . No one in the office knew what was going on , but I let them know that I was there to be with Spyder when he was freed from his pain . Since they didn 't know what was going on , they made some phone calls , did some paging , and told me to visit Spyder . I went back to his stall and advised Dom to meet me there because they said she could go right back . I walked to his stall , and I saw him on so many more bags of various things than before . He was visibly skinnier , having a hard time breathing , and shifting his weight . He didn 't perk up too much to see me , but I think the drugs made him unable to do much . He was tied to the window so he didn 't drop his head , and he was not eating his hay which was at his face . I didn 't even open the stall . I stared at him . He stared at me , sad , depressed , hurting , and unknowing to the challenges we were both facing . I walked past his stall without going in and saw Dom at the end of the barn with Mike . I instantly walked towards her and she greeting me with a hug . I was crying , it was awful . This was it . We both walked to the stall , and Dom 's strength helped me get in there with the carrots I got him on the way . He was happier to be pet by both of us , and we both knew that he was worse than the night before . He was on DMSO and a few other things , and he was totally out of it . He grabbed the carrots I gave him , but he could hardly chew them . It was heartbreaking . It was not the Spyder I remember and it 's not the Spyder I wanted to see . I wanted to see him better . I wanted to do everything I could to make it right . I wanted to do something , and there was nothing I could do . I was hopeless . I needed to ease his pain . I went back to the office to try to take my mind off of the horrible condition I saw my best friend in . I asked the girl at the desk when the doctor was going to call me , because she said that he would when he got somewhere ( he was out ) . She advised him that I needed to speak to someone because I pressed the situation . The doctor finally called . I answered , and he asked me if I spoke with the local vet . I told him that I did , and I knew what I had to do . He let me know that Spyder had a bad night and that the medicine he was on was very serious . It was only keeping him comfortable , but he was feeling the pain . I knew , I could see it . He advised me that he was out and asked what my plans were . I told him I had a flight to catch for work , and that I didn 't want to see him like this . He advised me that I spend time with him while he sorted it out , but I told him that I needed someone to be there sooner rather than later because it was hard to spend time with a horse that I no longer knew . He was raising his head up due to pain and his muscles were flinching . He was hunching his back and dribbling urine on himself . This wasn 't Spyder . Spyder was healthy , happy , young , full of life . happy to see me , and always eating . He told me that he would find someone and make the calls . I cried talking to the vet , and Dom was so nice to hug me and keep strong for me . I felt so weak . They came up to tell me that they were getting everything ready and advised me that it would be better if I wasn 't there for it . They explained that it 's not really safe to be there , and the doctor arranged for everything to happen in the stall . It had to be there , as Spyder couldn 't walk out of it . I went back out there with Dom and Mike to say goodbye . I brought the carrots with me , and he looked better than he did from the last trip to the stall . His ears went up , he looked better , and he looked more comfortable . He ate a few more carrots that we fed both fed him , and he was so happy that we were there , petting him , rubbing his neck , I pet his face and I rubbed under his head like he loved . He usually put his head down when I did that , but he couldn 't since he was tied . I was happy knowing that he was happy and that this is what he 'd remember . He 'd remember the people that cared for him , the people that taught him things , the people that gave him a good home and loved him . He wouldn 't remember this pain in a short while . They switched his medicine over to a sedative and I didn 't look back on my way out , I couldn 't . I was asked if I would like his tail , and I smiled and said that it was something I couldn 't go without . His tail was perfect , he was perfect . Everyone said how great his tail was , and I knew how great he was . I headed back up to the office until they came to get me . I went back to his stall when they got me . I could see that he was at peace . He looked like the Spyder that I knew , resting and sunbathing on a nice day in the field . He looked happy . He looked calm . He looked like he was no longer in pain , and I wish I could feel the same way . I looked to Dom and I even said , " He looks better here and now , just like this . This is a much better way to see him than how he was . " I could never imagine in a million years that I would have to say goodbye so soon . The person that Dom knew that worked there let me know that I did the right thing as she cried right next to me . She let me know that she heard he had a bad night and told me about another horse with a similar situation that was in pain for a while and was put down . She let me know that she was so sorry and that there was nothing I could have done to change it . She was so hurt , and she handed me his beautifully braided tail along with his halter . She and the other person that were there let me know that he went down easy . He was no longer fighting this disease that he hid so well . I am so glad that we got to enjoy every moment together until the very end . I pet him to let him know I was still there . I didn 't want to leave him . I wish I could have been there for him more , and I wish it were different . I wish there were something else I could have done . He was such a great horse . He was always there for me , through homes , a wedding , grad school , hunter paces , shows , jumps in the ring , cantering on the track , breaking my finger because deer are scary , spooking at stumps , rearing in the field , ribbons , smiles , blood , tears , happiness , sadness , hard work , fun , frustration , defeat , lessons , and so much more . He was a once in a life time horse that taught me so much about life . He taught me love , dedication , and persistence . He taught me that being strong on the outside didn 't mean that you were always OK on the inside . You should always be appreciate and accepting of others , even with their issues and attitude because you never know what internal battle they are fighting . You never know how long you will get with anyone or anything in your life and you should appreciate every minute you have because you will never know when it will be taken away from you . Life isn 't fair , but it happens . It happens to change you and to make you realize that you are stronger than you think . You can do more than what you could ever imagine and you can care for a living creature so much that you would rather anything else in the world to take that pain away . I will always remember the memories I had with Spyder . He gave me his all . He was so strong and never showed any signs of weakness . He was a warrior , and I hope that this experience makes me 1 / 100 of the warrior he was . I could not thank Dom enough for taking time out of her days to be there for me and to keep me from crying . She is the person that brought Spyder to me , and I am so glad that she was there for me until the end . It was an honor and relief to have her there with me - thank you for being so strong . I cannot thank my husband enough for sticking through all of this with me and comforting me even though it seemed impossible . If it weren 't for him , I wouldn 't have even given Spyder the chance . I would have given up way before I should have . He was always a challenging animal and Dom showed me his full potential . Chris convinced me that his check ligament injury was only a small setback from our huge pool of potential and told me that the hard would would pay off in the end . He was always supportive in my lessons , my events , my trailer , tack purchases , etc . Having Spyder was truly the greatest joy of so many days that I spent at the barn . I have to thank the barn owners for trailering him up there , always helping when the vet would call , and helping me out along the way . Both the local vet and Mid - Atlantic were so comforting and did everything they could to keep Spyder comfortable . The farrier even reached out to see what he could do and wondered if he could find out the rotation of the bone to potentially work on his feet and make him better . SRF 's founder was comforting and even followed up today to let me know that she spoke with the vet at the hospital ( her husband is a vet and knows the vet that worked with Spyder ) . She comforted me in letting me know that it wasn 't something poisonous . It was something that he hid from us and let me know that I did the right thing for him . The vet showed her where he got off the trailer and where he had to walk and let her know that he couldn 't do it . It wasn 't in him , he was so strong and he did everything he could to please me until the very end . I am not sure that 's everything as I wrote this in a few different sessions . I probably forgot a lot , but I wanted to get it all out so that I could share my story . As much as I don 't want to remember it , I know that I will look back and see what it taught me , just as my hard times trying to figure him out did . Don 't ever feel like you have failed because that pain is the worst of all . I know that I did all that I could , but I feel like I still failed . I feel like I am so weak . I feel like I could have done more , and I wish I could have him back . He was my world , and he will never be forgotten . I am sorry ( if you could get this far ) if I have made you cry . I just thought it would be easiest to share what I am so that I can find some closure and ease the emotions . As I sit here with a wet keyboard , I 'm not sure that 's what I did for myself , but I can at least recall my emotions and remember his story . I started it from the beginning , and I will end it with his memory . If you have any questions , feel free to reach out . I realize the support system that I have is so great , and the team Spyder had behind him was incredible . With grad school coming to an end , I 've been excited to get back to riding . Little by little , we 've been doing more jumping and more cantering . Spyder 's attitude has been so much better so we 've been using that to get more accomplished . He 's finally shedding and looking a lot better . His prior front right injury has been wonderful . There has been no heat or swelling even with all of the cantering we 've been able to do . FINALLY , we 've been able to canter all around the big field . He 's quiet and more willing than even before which has been nice . . . . . . AND THEN . . . Cellulitis . I went to take a lesson , and I assumed he was stocked up from standing in the shed due to rain overnight . He was sound in the field , picked up his feet nicely , and walked out to the ring just fine . Once we warmed up , the trot was awful . It was more a running walk than anything , so we went back to the barn . He had a fever so my trainer suggested he get bute and SMZ 's . He got both and went in a stall per the vet to make sure the infection didn 't spread , if that was in fact the issue . The vet came out to check on him ( yesterday ) after I saw he got a bit more swollen the night before . Two doses of bute and SMZ 's and an injected boost of other antibiotics , he appeared more sound at the trot . I hosed his legs and felt some heat , but we 're all confused as to why it was both legs . Usually , it 's just one , but he didn 't want to put his right rear leg down the night before so it was possibly causing the other to swell . His left rear had the heat the next day , though . Strange . The vet even made a joke about his legs because I mentioned it 's always something . It 's " ring around the rosie " with injuries on the legs as she put it . She 'll be back to do more injections today and tomorrow and will be getting me steroids to bring the legs back to normal ( hopefully ) . He 'll be back in the field today ( and I 'm sure he 'll be much happier as he made noise and called to each person that came in the barn to remind them that he needed to go back out . . haha ) , but I 'm in Georgia for work so I am having the barn owner check on him . Let 's hope it 's not a recurring issue because we 've got to keep moving forward . . . it 's been so nice . : ) Can 't wait to see how it looks tomorrow morning . Let 's hope he heals up soon so I can get off the farm and get back to riding . Three weeks of grad school left ( 2 papers , 2 exams , 3 discussion posts ) , and I 'm free for good . Spyder will be happy he 'll get more time off in June than I would like because we 're going to Yellowstone and Glacier National Park for 11 days . I can 't wait to get some dates on the schedule for clinics and trailering to whatever events to get some more experience under his belt . I need to make some sort of goal or set up an event so that I work towards it . Not having one , riding can be pretty boring . I hope that we can hit a few cross country jumps by the end of the summer , too . His jump is coming along nicely , but for now , we just need sound and clean legs . I do need to upload pics and videos that I have so that all of the progress can be seen . It 's been great . I had a lesson Saturday . It was flat work and lots and lots of circles to get Spyder moving off of my leg . Since we skipped jumping ( he behaved ) , it was just 30 minutes . I worked on his canter to trot transitions in a circle in hopes of working on some dressage tests sooner rather than later . I couldn 't decide if I wanted to do the open 4 - h show the next day until the next day , but he was so good , I was really considering it . Sunday , I woke up late , but I still got my butt and trailer to the barn to get Spyder out for a bit . I thought about doing some of the walk / trot classes , but instead , we just schooled . He was quite himself in the beginning , squirming and having his way with where he wanted to go , so I hopped off and got the crop . With a crop in hand , he threw one cow kick out but continued on as he was told . We even worked on some cantering at the fairgrounds ( because usually he tried to pace when he 's nervous ) . He held his canter and was calm as a clam . Good horse . When I got home , I usually pull the truck and trailer around for my husband to park it , but this time , I decided it was worth a shot to back up for the first time . I have the basic concept down from years of going out on the boat and figured it was about time . Well , I did better than expected , and I backed the trailer all the way down the driveway without having to pull up and start over . I did all of this without hitting the grass , too ! It 's pretty straight ! I love this little trailer ! : ) Posted by Some Updates So it 's been a while . Grad work and some health issues have been getting in the way of my riding . When I do get to ride , I take it easy because of my leg ( achielles tendonitis that 's got me going to physical therapy ) and Spyder 's bad leg . Go figure , we both have a right leg issue . Anyways , with the 30 mins of riding for pleasure and 2 lessons back , we started some moving forward exercises . Some small jumps with trot and canter poles have given us a lot to work on . We need rhythm and balance and it 's getting there . We both are recovering from a long winter of nothing and injuries so we 'll definitely be taking it slow . I need to find some clinics and events to trailer to in the near future . We 're ready to take our progress off the property and enjoy the scenery . Also , Spyder got his mane chopped off after his big day of little jumps . Haha . Pictures of him all bathed and the setup are below . Trot poles on the left , trot to canter jumps in the middle , canter poles on the right ( which he can 't handle , but tries ) . I 'm back ! : ) I always wanted to check out Ocala and I finally got to ! My instructor went down for a month with her horse and another she had for sale with two other girls from the barn to live with her trainer and get in lots of horse time . I was the third student to fly down there to ride the sale horse that she brought down with her . I haven 't shown or jumped a course in a while , but hey , why not ? The flight was just $ 49 so I had to do it . Because of all of the snow , I didn 't get the full 4 days , but instead , just two . It was OK because I shoveled out of the storm and made it there to enjoy two BEAUTIFUL days of weather . It was flurrying there on Saturday so I missed most of the cold and it rained the day after I left . It was in the 60 's on Saturday and 70 's on Tuesday . PERFECT weather ! Monday was the first day of exploring the area . We went to 3 of the many tack shops and stopped at some food trucks that cater to the local " horse people " since that is what Ocala is all about . Since I was planning to do a schooling show with the horse on Tuesday , we tacked up for a ride and rode from the house over to HITS where we schooled on the most beautiful footing I have ever ridden on . I popped over a cross rail and a small vertical in preparation for a full course the next day to get a feel for Copper . The jumps there are so very beautiful , and the Grand Prix ring was awesome to see ! He 's for sale ! : ) Tuesday morning , we went to Longwood South to do the schooling show I decided to go for . A COURSE ? ! What ? ! I haven 't done a full course in quite some time . Maybe 6 jumps , but 10 ? ! WHAT ? What 'd I sign up for ? The farm is absolutely AMAZING ! I have never been to a nicer place , and it was quite intimidating to see so many high level professionals in one area as the day went on . Their cross country courses and several barns that I saw were picture perfect , and the whole place looked like it came out of a magazine . I rode like a slob , but the goal was to finish the courses and not fall off - both happened . Now , we just need to work on breathing . This weekend I plan to ride Spyder both days . We still have a lot of snow , but I hope the track melted at least . I will also be judging a musical show at the barn that several of the kids are participating in . I 'm excited to see what they have been practicing and hope that they showcase all of their saddle time they have had in the indoor these past few weeks . Posted by It 's been a while and I 'm not even sure where I left off . ( Yes , I didn 't even read my last post ) . Anyways , Spyder is done his visits to New Bolton . They were WONDERFUL with him and even said they would see him again prior to jumping again , if I wanted . Since he has had no heat on the flat , I feel like everything is going well still ! We have still just been doing flat work and have continued to work with steering and using his back . He 's come a long way since the injury , and I feel like he 's matured enough to finally get somewhere . He still will throw a nice buck or kick out , but they are far less and the spooking is a lot better . I 'm not even sure where I want to go from here . I know I want to jump again at some point , but I don 't want to push it . I 'll keep with the flat work until the spring and go from there . I got a new saddle ( I 'm in LOVE ) . It 's a Devoucoux . I rode in one at the farm when the sales person came out for demos , and I knew I would end up getting one the second I sat in it . There was more room for my leg to be on him and the seat was wider which I loved . It puts me more upright and I feel like I can sit back and enjoy the ride vs . being pushed forward and not sitting down . It 's a lot nicer on the back , but I was still sad to part with my old saddle . It went to a little girl for Christmas , and it makes me happy that she will love it like I did . I also booked a trip to Ocala yesterday . I always wanted to see the area , and I 'm happy I 'll get to trail ride it and possibly show while I 'm there . I will be sure to post photos of the trip and post about it . I haven 't done much since grad school has been in the way , but I have a break until March 1 . I have just 2 courses left until I am completed with the program , and I can 't wait for it to be over ! Posted by |
Introduction : This story is for anyone who 's ever had a bad day . Note : This story is my entry for the CAW 10 competition on the Sex Stories forum . I recommend reading all the stories in the competition , because they 're very good . I 'm not trying to solicit votes in the competition , but if you happen to like this story the best . . . " Today is going to be the worst day ever , " I mumbled as I glanced over at the clock . I had stayed up late last night to finish my homework , and then forgotten to set the alarm . Surprisingly , I was only fifteen minutes late , but that was plenty . It meant my big sister Shelly would get to the shower before me . You would think that a seventeen - year - old girl would have learned to be considerate of other people . I was a fourteen - year - old boy , and I knew that we both needed to use the shower in the morning . Whenever I got to the shower first , I made it quick so there would be plenty of hot water for her after me . But Shelly always stayed in until the water ran cold , whether I had showered first or not . Shelly loved anything to do with water , and once she was in the shower , no amount of pounding on the bathroom door or yelling at her would convince her to hurry up . Just in case , I got out of bed , threw on my bathrobe , and opened my bedroom door . I was in luck ; the bathroom was unoccupied . I hurried down the hall , but just when I thought I would reach it first after all , Shelly 's bedroom door opened and she reached it two steps ahead of me . I was nearly there when some motion out of the corner of my eye caught my attention . Shelly 's door was open a crack , and I happened to glance inside . There she was , in just her underwear , rummaging through the drawers in her dresser to find something to wear . She had a very nice body , I have to admit , her muscles toned from her dual athletic hobbies of volleyball and swimming . She had nicely developing tits , a flat stomach , and long legs . With her mostly uncovered like this , the tan lines from her swimsuit were clearly evident . Long , brunette hair over a very cute face completed the picture of an ideal teenage beauty . I had only stopped for a moment , and in fact I wasn 't even trying to look at her . Really I just wanted to get to the bathroom to take my shower . But in that moment , she looked up and saw me standing there . Just great . I didn 't care what Shelly thought ; she was just a brat whose opinion meant absolutely nothing to me . But Mom would no doubt take her side . She always did . When I entered my room , I stared in shock at the mess on the floor . My homework , that I had stayed up late to finish , lay shredded on the ground , victim to our dog who had a nasty habit of chewing on paper . She sat there in the middle of the pile looking up at me with what must have been a smirk . With Shelly mad at me , I figured she would be looking for ways to be mean to me , but I underestimated her . Ever since she got her driver 's license last year , Mom let her take our second car to school , on the condition that she let me ride with her . So I grabbed my backpack and hurried down the stairs and out the door , where Shelly was waiting for me in the car . As soon as she spotted me approaching , she put it in reverse , hurriedly pulled out of the driveway , then took off down the street . I half wished I would . Wouldn 't it be great if the bus passed me by and Mom couldn 't drive me to school because she had to get ready for work , so I could just skip the whole day all because Shelly needed to " blow off steam . " I wouldn 't even mind re - doing my homework . Alas , it was not to be . I arrived at the bus stop just in time for the bus to pick me up . There were three other kids in front of me , so I was the last one on . Unfortunately , they picked all the best seats and I ended up having to sit next to Smelly Kelly , a geeky girl who was not only ugly , but stunk like she hadn 't bathed since fourth grade . Normally the trip to school didn 't take very long , but because of my close proximity to Kelly , it felt far longer than it really was . For the first time in years , I found myself actually wanting to arrive at school . As soon as the bus stopped , I couldn 't wait to get out into some fresh air . Finally I emerged into daylight and took several deep breaths to purge the malodorous vapors from my nostrils and lungs . Then I walked inside the school building , relief giving way to dread as I realized that I had seven periods of torture to look forward to on what was turning out to be the worst day ever . Things started going downhill immediately . I usually looked forward to first period . Tammy Gray sat next to me , which was usually enough to brighten up even the worst day . She was a cute blonde that enjoyed my company , and as far as I knew , she had no boyfriend . For weeks I had been working up the courage to ask her to go steady with me , but with the way my luck had been going today , I figured it was best to put it off for at least another day . Maybe she had other ideas , though , because halfway through class , she glanced over at me and gave me a wink . Then she reached out her hand toward me , and I could see there was a folded piece of paper in it . I quickly reached over and took it from her , but unfortunately , we weren 't as discreet as I had hoped . " What 's that , Kevin ? " asked Mrs . Chase . I immediately glanced up and saw the teacher staring right at me . I had always liked her ; she had a great sense of humor and always made the lessons fun . But I was about to find out what it felt like to be on the wrong side of her sense of humor . What could I do ? I had been caught red - handed . So I stood up and made my way forward with the rest of the class snickering at me . Grudgingly I handed the note to Mrs . Chase , who sent me back to my seat , then opened the note and scanned it over . " Well now , isn 't that sweet ? " she commented , her eyes running over the note . " Tammy , I never knew you felt that way about Kevin . Ooh , that 's some pretty mushy stuff there . Very juicy . Very nice . Very eloquent , too . You should turn this into a poem and hand it in for extra credit in your English class . Or maybe I 'll hand it in for you . The whole school should know just how great a writer you are . " Mrs . Chase could really ham it up , as she was demonstrating right now . Tammy and I were both mortified . The rest of the class , of course , laughed aloud at us the whole time until the teacher finally folded the note back up and placed it in her desk . It should come as no surprise that Tammy didn 't talk to me at all after class . Deliberately avoiding my gaze , she hurried out the door before I could say two words to her . So much for my chance of going out with her . For the first time in my life , I didn 't want the bell to ring to end class . But it did , and I grudgingly rose from my desk to go on to the dreaded third period . I arrived and sat down at my desk , hunching down in my seat and trying to look as inconspicuous as possible . " The dog ate my homework , " I said , and the class erupted into laughter . Honestly , I couldn 't blame them . Even I wouldn 't have believed me . I groaned . I should have known I wouldn 't have gotten out of it so easily . So for the next ten minutes she had me working out math problems on the board . It wouldn 't have been so bad , but the problems she chose seemed to be only vaguely related to the ones I had done last night . Clearly Mrs . Terrence didn 't agree , because she continued to glare at me sternly as if it was obvious I hadn 't done my homework in the first place . After ten minutes she finally let me sit down , but continued to glare at me throughout the rest of the class , as if to accuse me of wasting her time . I wanted to tell her , It wasn 't my fault . You were the one who made me go up to the board . But I knew that would just get me in more trouble . Somehow I survived the next half hour , though I still don 't know how I managed . It was a relief to get out of there , especially since I now had a couple of hours without having to sit in a classroom with the walls closing in on me and teachers out to get me and students laugh behind my back . I had P . E . and then lunch , which should give me a good break before having to survive three more classes until I could finally go home and hide out in my bedroom where bad luck couldn 't reach me . P . E . was a disaster . I had been looking forward to a game of dodge ball like Mr . Rivers had promised yesterday , but for some inexplicable reason he changed his mind and decided we should play softball instead , my least favorite sport . Everyone knew I didn 't like it , so when they were picking teams , I was picked last . Even Clarence Bruckman , the biggest nerd in the school , was picked ahead of me . I struck out both times at bat , not that I had expected to do any better . That was humiliating enough , but when our team was in the outfield , things got really bad . I picked left field because it was the least likely place for anyone to hit the ball . At least I wouldn 't do too much damage there . Or so I thought . Most of the game went fine . Our team went up three points early and maintained that lead right up until the last few minutes of the game . Then the other team hit three line drives in a row that loaded the bases . With the final minute winding down , they could only win the game with a home run . Of course , who do you think they hit the ball to ? Yours truly . I made a diving catch for it , which in hindsight probably wasn 't smart with the way my luck had been going lately . Naturally the ball slipped right through my mitt , which surprised no one . But I also ended up skinning my knee . The runners on the other team circled the bases and scored four points with the last runner coming in just before the buzzer sounded to send us to the showers . If popularity were a thermometer , I had just dropped from a sunny spring afternoon to a cold winter 's day . No one looked at me as we filed dejectedly toward the locker room . No one but Mr . Rivers , that is . He took one look at the blood oozing from my knee and insisted on having me escorted to the nurse 's office . At least the nurse was nice to me , the first person all day to show even an ounce of sympathy . She wrapped my knee in a bandage , then sent me on my way . Unfortunately , she also said I couldn 't get the bandage wet , so I wasn 't allowed to take a shower . I had to hurry back to the locker room and change back into my street clothes without showering , which of course didn 't go over so well with everyone I came into contact with for the rest of the day . I hadn 't exerted myself too much during P . E . , but it was at least enough to work up a sweat , especially since it was a hot day . A liberal dose of deodorant helped to minimize the stink , but for the rest of the day , I could tell that it didn 't go unnoticed by my classmates . Even Smelly Kelly avoided me as I passed her in the hall . Of course I was ten minutes late for lunch , which meant a long wait at the end of the line . Tammy Gray was only three spots ahead of me in the line , but she refused to even acknowledge my presence . If I could just talk to her , I was sure I could help her laugh off what had happened in first period , but it looked like the chance of that happening was slightly lower than winning the lottery . Five times in a row . The line seemed to move extra slow today , although that could have just been my perception filtered through my pessimistic outlook . After an eternity , I finally picked up my food and looked for a spot to sit down . Unfortunately , just then I fell victim to Scott Maddox , the school bully who had been on my softball team during P . E . and apparently hadn 't taken too kindly to my screwup that cost us the game . As he brushed past me , he tapped my tray hard , causing it to tilt . Everything on it fell to the floor , causing a loud racket that made everyone look toward me . Unfortunately , his attack had been so sneaky that he was already five yards away before anyone spotted the source of the commotion , and I was left standing there looking like a fool . Of course , everyone cheered and applauded at my misfortune and once more today I was the laughingstock of the school . After helping to clean up the mess , I had to use an extra lunch ticket to avoid starving . By this time , I only had a few minutes left to eat , so I hurriedly wolfed down my lunch to avoid being late for Mr . Birch 's fifth - period history class . The teacher was a very unforgiving man , and didn 't take kindly to students coming in late . I didn 't expect to survive the class unscathed , and I wasn 't disappointed . The first bad sign was that the air conditioner in the room was broken , putting the temperature at a muggy eighty degrees . That normally wouldn 't have been so bad , but the combination of my gloomy mood , lack of sleep , full stomach , warm day , and Mr . Birch 's monotonous voice had the effect of making me very drowsy . As his voice droned on , I felt my eyelids growing heavy , my head beginning to droop , and the world around me going fuzzy . " What 's the matter , Mr . Hooper ? " he asked . " Are you so familiar with the material that you think you can nap through my lecture ? Let 's find out , shall we ? Tell me , in what year was the Battle of Trafalgar fought during World War Two ? " " I see , " said Mr . Birch . Then he turned to the rest of the class . " My job is to teach you history , " he said . " And you will learn it one way or another . You can either learn it in class , or outside of class . Kevin has demonstrated that some of you are having a hard time learning in class , so we will go with the alternate plan today . Your homework assignment for tonight is to write a one thousand word essay on why the resolution to World War One was a contributing factor in the cause of World War Two . " Sixth period came and went without mishap , but between sixth and seventh period , I discovered that my locker had been broken into , and all my possessions scattered down the hall . Naturally I suspected Scott Maddox , but I had no proof . So I had to go hunt down my affects all over the floor with nobody to blame . Some of them I never did find . The misfortune at my locker made me late for seventh period . It was the third time this semester , which meant detention . I tried to explain to Mr . Crooks what had happened , but he would hear none of it . So it looked like my bad luck was starting to spill out into other days ; I would have to stay after school for an hour tomorrow . At least this was my last class of the day . I wanted nothing more than to just go home and disappear from the world for the rest of the day . When the last bell rang , I hurried out the door to escape this living hell . As I expected , when I went out to the parking lot to get a ride home with Shelly , the car wasn 't there . She had taken off without me again . That meant another dreadful ride home on the bus . At least I didn 't have to sit next to Smelly Kelly this time . In fact , I made it home without once receiving a spitball or getting a wedgie or having my wallet stolen or being struck by lightning or getting in a car accident and having my body thrown out the window and ending up paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of my life . The way my luck had been going today , I wouldn 't be surprised by any of those . I left the bus , half expecting to see smoke rising from the remains of what used to be my house . But the house still stood , not a spark or a wisp of smoke in sight . I entered the front door , dropped my backpack on the floor , and kicked off my shoes . On most days I would fix myself a snack in the kitchen , but today I just wanted to go lock myself in my room and not emerge until tomorrow , which had to be better than today . Mom would probably insist I come down for supper , but she wouldn 't be home from work for a couple more hours . I could use that time to wallow in self - pity . As I reached the top of the stairs , I heard some strange sounds coming from Shelly 's room . It sounded like she was working out ; I knew she had some weights in there because she liked to keep herself in top physical condition for both the volleyball team and the swim team at the high school . But her grunts were a little higher pitched than usual . Curious , I crept down the hall and peeked through the crack in the door . I don 't know why she never seemed to quite close the door ; maybe she enjoyed catching me spying on her just so that she could get me into trouble . What I saw shocked me . Her friend Jenny Boyce was there with her . Both girls lay on the bed , both in their underwear . To my utter amazement , Jenny had her hand down the front of Shelly 's panties ! The sight was almost mind - blowing . I had always had a bit of a crush on Jenny ; she was one of Shelly 's teammates on the volleyball team , a gorgeous blonde with a nice body and a bit of a feisty attitude . I had seen her in a bikini at the public pool a few times , which really didn 't cover any more than her undies did now , but somehow , seeing her mostly undressed on the bed was even more thrilling , especially with what she was doing to my sister . It wasn 't long enough , however . Jenny just happened to look up a few seconds later and spotted me in the doorway . " Oh , hi Kevin , " she greeted with a smile . " Kevin ! " Shelly screamed , then immediately jumped up off the bed and rushed at me . As Jenny laughed , Shelly threw open the door , raised her hand , and slapped me as hard as she could on the face . It stung . But the worst sting came from the sound of Jenny still laughing . Laughing at me . I stood there in shock for a couple of seconds , until I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes . Unfortunately , I wasn 't very convincing . So to hide my shame , I turned and fled down the hall to my bedroom , slamming the door behind me and collapsing on the bed . The frustration and humiliation of the whole day hit me all at once , and I couldn 't hold back the tears . I sobbed into my pillow for what felt like a hundred years . A thousand , even . But the tears just wouldn 't stop flowing . I wanted to die ! The last person I wanted to see me crying was my sister 's best friend . Now she would think I was a crybaby . She didn 't give me a chance to respond , but immediately threw her arms around me and drew me in to a tight embrace . Jenny turned out to be every bit as pleasant to hug as I had imagined . She was nice and warm , and soft in all the right places . She even caressed my back as she hugged me . It was a wonderful feeling , but completely unexpected . Jenny had never been this nice to me before , and I couldn 't help but wonder if she had ulterior motives . Maybe this was all leading up to some kind of practical joke . " Wow , it must have been a really bad day , " she said . " Looks like I 'm going to have to put in some overtime on this one . " Before I knew it , she had leaned in and was kissing me again . But this time , she didn 't stop . Her lips continued to press against mine , and I realized that this was more than just " a friendly kiss . " " You know , what Shelly and I do is private , " she said . " It 's supposed to be a secret . So I guess the only way I can be sure you won 't tell our secret is if you and I have a secret of our own . " " Now let 's see . . . what kind of secret can we share ? " she asked . " Kissing isn 't good enough . You won 't get in trouble with your parents if they found out we kissed . And as for your friends , I 'm sure you 'll be bragging about it to them tomorrow . " She looked me straight in the eyes . " Any suggestions ? " " Kevin ! " she exclaimed , with an exaggerated shocked look on her face . " Are you suggesting what I think you 're suggesting ? Maybe your sister was right . You are quite the pervert . " Then her expression changed back to a smile . " But if that 's what it takes to buy your silence , I guess I have no choice . " Then she grabbed my shirt and lifted it over my head . I sat there in shock , staring at Jenny and wondering what was going on . Her sudden attentions toward me were suspicious , especially with the day I had been having . I imagined all kinds of scenarios . This was a bad dream . Or she was playing a practical joke on me . Maybe there was a camera hidden somewhere . Actually , I hadn 't insisted ; she was the one who had made the suggestion . But I wasn 't about to pass up the opportunity to jump in the shower with this gorgeous girl . The water running down our bodies might even hide my drooling . We left my bedroom and crept down the hall to the bathroom . As we passed Shelly 's door , I glanced at it with a touch of worry . What would happen if Shelly discovered us ? Sensing my unease , Jenny said , " Don 't worry about your sister . Whenever I take care of her like I did , she 's so exhausted that she falls right asleep . She 'll be out cold for at least half an hour . " I have to admit that I stared . It was the first pair of naked tits I could remember seeing , at least in person ( porn didn 't count ) . Seeing Jenny in a bikini , or even in her underwear , was nothing compared to this ! I finished undressing , a little self - conscious about being naked in front of her , and a lot self - conscious about the state of my cock , which was eager to get out of my pants . But when I dropped my drawers and stood in front of Jenny , she just glanced down at it and smiled . It took just a moment to unwrap my knee , which by now no longer needed to be covered . Jenny stood under it for a minute , letting it run all over her glistening skin and giving me quite an eyeful of her luscious young body . I couldn 't tear my gaze away , not that I was really trying . If there was a heaven , I was in it right now . " Get over here , " she said with a smile , then grabbed my hand and pulled me under the water with her . She wrapped her arms around me , squeezing her body up against mine . Then she gave me another deep , extended , open - mouthed kiss . I was vaguely aware of a momentary pain on my knee as the hot water touched the sensitive flesh , but mostly my mind just shut off and I fell into a daze , hardly aware of what was happening . I had heard a joke that when a man was aroused , all the blood keeping his cock erect came directly from his brain , so it was impossible for him to be horny and smart at the same time . I can say with the utmost confidence that it 's true . All I could think about was Jenny 's beautiful face and body , and the exquisite feeling of both right next to mine . Eventually she stepped back , grabbing the liquid soap and squeezing some into her hand . I figured she planned to wash my back , so I started to turn around . Instead , she grabbed me and faced me right toward her . Then she ran her soaped - up hands all over my torso . To my disappointment , she stopped at my waist . I had really hoped she would go lower . Then I perked right back up when she handed the soap to me . I took it and lathered up my own hands , then waited to see if she planned to turn around . She didn 't . I must have had a really stupid grin on my face as I reached out for her chest . She didn 't stop me as I placed them squarely on her tits . As I rubbed and squeezed them , she sighed . " That feels really nice , " she said . Unfortunately , we only stood there like that for another two minutes . As I said , my brain had pretty much shut down , so I was hardly aware of the motion out of the corner of my eye . Suddenly , the shower curtain flew open . I had a momentary fright as I imagined a knife - wielding maniac bearing down on us . ( What can I say ? I like to watch horror movies ) Then my rational mind returned , and I saw that it was much worse . My sister stood there in front of us , a shocked and angry look on her face . Frankly , I would have preferred the maniac . " What the hell is going on here ? " she demanded . I stared at her , suddenly very conscious of the fact that I was in the shower with her best friend . With a stupid grin on my face . With a stupid grin on my face and my hands on her best friend 's tits . With a stupid grin on my face , my hands on her best friend 's tits , and my dick so hard you could hang your coat on it . The correct course of action would have been to remove my hands and grab a towel . In fact , in that situation even a bout of panic would be a reasonable course of action . Freezing up and doing nothing was not a reasonable course of action . Guess which one I did ! Then Shelly 's eyes lowered . I could feel them on me as they ran down my body . I wanted to scream and run away . I wanted to crawl under a rock and die . But I just couldn 't will my body to move , even when my sister 's eyes reached my crotch and locked there , going wide . Shelly 's face went red , but she didn 't lift her eyes . Now I realized that she was feeling exactly the same way I had felt upon seeing Jenny strip off her clothes . And pretty much the entire time ever since then , I might as well admit . Shelly stared at her for a second , then her eyes turned to mine . " You 'd better not tell anyone about this , " she insisted . " Or I 'll make life miserable for you . Trust me , you do not want to get on my bad side . " I just continued to stare at her , not really hearing the words . Was she actually going to take Jenny up on her offer ? Was my own sister going to get in the shower with us ? As I watched in astonishment , Shelly started unbuttoning her blouse . She was really doing it ! I couldn 't keep my eyes off her as she disrobed in front of me , finally discarding the last of her clothes . There was something so very wrong about all of this , yet so very right at the same time . I would never admit this to her , of course , but I thought she had a gorgeous body . Her tan lines added just the right touch . Shelly stepped into the shower with us , and Jenny immediately grabbed her hand and pulled her under the water . I watched in rapt attention as the two girls pressed their bodies together and kissed each other passionately . As the two girls kissed , Jenny reached out with her hand and made contact with my thigh . She explored for a second until she found my cock , which she grasped tightly and began pumping up and down . This was almost too much for me . The sight of the girls in front of me and the feel of Jenny 's hand soon had me approaching a climax . Unfortunately , she stopped just short , removing her hand and stepping away from my sister . For a moment I thought she was teasing me , bringing me up to the top but not over the edge . It was a cruel thing to do , but the way my luck had been going today , it wouldn 't surprise me . But she grinned at me and said , " We 'll get back to that later . " " You know , " said Shelly , " that 's kind of mean of you to get him excited like that and not giving him relief . " I couldn 't believe it . My sister was defending me now ? " Like I said , we 'll get back to it later . And when he finds out how , I don 't think he 'll complain too much about the interruption . In the mean time , I have other plans for him . What do you think , should we teach your brother how to please a girl ? " " You 're even more a pervert than Kevin is , " Shelly told her . " You know what ? You go ahead and do what you want . I 'll just watch . " " Oh . Okay , " I said , still completely oblivious . I knelt down in front of her , using the one - knee method to avoid putting pressure on my injury . This put my head right at the level of her crotch . I stared at her pussy in wonder ; I had never been this close to one before . I don 't know what I was expecting , but the flavor turned out to be fairly neutral . It was a touch bitter , but not to the point of being unpleasant . I was more than happy to do this for her if I would receive the same thing in exchange . I was right , because Shelly immediately squealed with delight . " Oh , wow ! " she said . " You 're a fast learner , Kevin . I didn 't even have to show you what to do . " Eventually I heard her moans rising in pitch , and I realized that I was about to give a girl an orgasm for the very first time in my life . She grabbed the back of my head and mashed my face against her crotch until her body shook with pleasure . I just continued to lick her until she came down from that erotic high . Then she released my head and apologized for losing control like that . " Oh , come on . This is a great opportunity . You know you sometimes get horny when I 'm not around to take care of you . If you 're got a willing tongue right under the same roof , why not make use of it ? " Shelly looked down at me with doubt on her face . I wasn 't sure I liked the idea anymore than she did . On the other hand , a pussy was a pussy , and truth be told , I had really enjoyed going down on Jenny . Sister or not , I would probably enjoy it nearly as much with Shelly . For some reason I was expecting the taste to be horrible . After all , this was my sister ; the whole idea of licking her like that was supposed to be disgusting . But to my surprise , she tasted even better than Jenny did . Part of it was because she had less hair down there ; she probably kept it trimmed because she spent so much time in a swimsuit . But she was also a little sweeter than Jenny too . It was hard to describe the difference . My mouth was occupied , so I didn 't respond . Normally I didn 't care what Shelly thought of me , but considering how much I was enjoying myself , I was glad that I could make her feel this good . I was certainly no expert , but learning how to please a woman was probably a valuable skill for a horny teenage boy . It took me longer to get Shelly off than Jenny , maybe because Jenny had already done the same thing to her not too long ago . But I stubbornly continued my tongue 's assault on her pussy , determined to keep going until I brought her to a climax too . Jenny helped too , by moving up against Shelly 's body and massaging her tits . Between the two of us , we soon had Shelly shuddering in an intense orgasm . I had done it . I had given my big sister the ultimate pleasure . There was something exhilarating about knowing that I had that kind of power over her body . If I could do it to my sister , I could do it to any girl . Maybe I could convince Tammy Gray to let me practice on her . As Shelly leaned back against the wall to steady herself , Jenny helped me to my feet . " Good job , kiddo , " she said . " I think you 've earned your reward . " I grinned as she knelt down in front of me . Glancing over at Shelly , I noticed her staring in fascination at what was about to transpire between my legs . It was hard to believe that she actually wanted to see her little brother receiving a blowjob , but the excitement on her face was clear . Since I was already wet from the shower , Jenny wasted no time . She opened her mouth and sucked me in . To a horny virgin like me , it was the most exquisite feeling in the whole world . She had done this before , I could tell , because she knew just how to give me the maximum pleasure . She not only sucked , but used her tongue to tease the underside of my cock inside her mouth . I could hear myself groaning as she sucked my cock . With one of her hands , she played with my balls , adding another wonderful feeling to the combination of sensations that were already nearly overloaded . I knew exactly who she meant . I glanced over at Shelly , seeing her eyes go wide . " Oh my god , you don 't really expect me to . . . " She hesitated for a moment , then knelt down . " Yeah , it 's only fair , " she conceded . " Kevin , you 'd better not cum in my mouth or I 'll rip your balls off ! " Then Shelly , my big sister that I didn 't really get along with , wrapped her lips around my dick and began to suck . It was such a perverse thought , knowing that just this morning we had bickered and we would probably do the same thing again tomorrow , because we were siblings and that was just the way things were . Yet here she was , giving me the same pleasure I had just given her . Of course , my rational mind had all but shut off at this point ; I might regret this later , but for now I just wanted the pleasure to continue . The interruption earlier had cooled me off a little , so it took a few minutes for me to warm back up again . Shelly was obviously not as experienced at this as Jenny was , but since I had never received oral sex before , I really had nothing to complain about . Soon she had me groaning just like I had been before , and once more I could feel the imminent approach of my orgasm . I considered not telling her and actually releasing into her mouth . She deserved it for the way she had treated me today . But two things kept me from doing it . First , although I doubted she would actually rip my balls off , she could do plenty of things to my balls that I wouldn 't enjoy , especially because they were currently in such easy reach . And second , if I showed her she could trust me , maybe , just maybe , I could convince her to do this to me again some time . " You 'd better stop now , " I warned her , and she immediately let me slip out of her mouth . In an instant , Jenny took her place , sucking me in deeply . She sped up the action , bobbing up and down on the shaft rapidly as if trying to coax the cum out of me . It worked , because ten seconds after she started , I tensed up and let it fly . She squealed around my cock enthusiastically as I spurted over and over again into her mouth . She swallowed every drop I gave her until I finally relaxed and my cock started going soft . I was feeling rather weak at the moment , so both girls rose to their feet and wrapped their arms around me for support . I stood there in the shower , exhausted but very happy . Shelly and Jenny cuddled up next to me , simultaneously planting a kiss on my cheeks . I grabbed them and held them tightly to me , loving the feel of their bodies and marveling at the extraordinary events that had led up to this wonderful experience . This was the best day ever ! Read 32625 times | Neener neener , I logged in just to bring the rating above 90 % . I loved the History questions . To the big - talking critics , no you wouldn 't have pulled a knife , and no you wouldn 't have told your parents to fuck off , if you didn 't want to get your ass beat or thrown in jail . Fourteen - year - olds just don 't have many options . I thought this was a great story , granted no prize winner but great little story nevertheless , you all forget the people on here give their efforts freely , maybe you can do better , we 'll never know , cause you just want to bitch , think you can do better , try , then see how you like people ripping you and something you value to shreds , no , thought not , those who can do , those who can 't bitch , so , shut the fuck up or do better . Rant over , thanks daddycums love your work , please don 't let the talentless fucks stop you posting , you 'd be missed , you can 't please everyone , but the writing is good that 's what 's important , thanks again , off to read more from you . Luvsalik xx p . s . you 3 below with the knife , do us and the police you ' will ' meet in the future a favour and stick that knife up your arse and don 't call an ambulance , stupid shit . No matter what everyone else says , this story was very , very good . I have actually had a day like that , but with more homework missing and no sex ( although the only bad thing that happened that morning was that I woke up late and tired , and a while later there was a mix - up , and I didn 't get a detention from the tardies ) . Good story , I don 't get what everybody 's problem is . This shit dragged on forever and still had no point . WTF ! ! ! He should just tell his bitch of a mother and whore of a sister to fuck off , and all the teachers to screw themselves and then stop talking to or acknowledging them from that point on . At least that would have been an actual response to a fucked up day instead of a quickie with a couple of skanky whores . |
Okay , day nine . Looks like I managed 922 words today before having to run out to meet with Rish for our weekly Dunesteefing . That puts me at 9 , 259 altogether . Here they are , enjoy : Simi 's eyes shone with fear , and she grabbed at his shoulder , but Oscar shook he hand off . He didn 't realize that he had it in him , but he 'd never been faced with this kind of a situation , so how could he know ? He hunched over , and crept into the room , taking care to stay as far from the creature as he could manage . It was only five steps from the door to the crib , and Oscar reached it just in time to shield his baby from a falling wooden wall - hanging of a grey elephant . He leaned over the crib , and took the elephant on his right shoulder . It careened down off him , and hung up on the crib 's railing . It didn 't hurt Oscar much , but it could have done some real damage if it had been allowed to fall on Trevon 's upturned face . Oscar reached in and snatched the baby out of the crib , and cradled him to his chest . Simi screamed , and Oscar spun to find the hulking orange monster now standing between him and the door . It seemed to be heading toward Simi , but Oscar couldn 't tell for certain , given its erratic patterns of movement . It looked like it might head into the closet , but then it veered suddenly right , and crashed into the doorway behind which Simi was standing . She screamed again and backed away . " Oscar ! " she yelled to him . He 'd be damned if he was going to leave his wife 's side to save his child only to have his wife hurt because he wasn 't at her side . He figured he could get in front of the creature if he nutmegged it , after all it was really big , with a lot of space between its legs , but could he slide through there while holding the baby ? He was willing to give it a shot . For Simi , he was willing to do just about anything . He backed up a few steps , then ran forward , sliding feet first like a baseball player stealing second base . The silk pajamas that he had changed into earlier really made it possible . He slipped along the carpet right between the creature 's legs . He held Trevon to his chest on his right side , and barely jostled him in the maneuver . It was almost perfect , but the creature shuffled its feet as Oscar passed beneath it just enough to bring one of its spines within reach of Oscar 's left side . It jabbed into his arm , and dug a gash as his slide dragged his body across the spine . He cried out in pain , but didn 't let it disturb his trajectory . His slide came to a stop when his feet collided with the wall on the other side of the hall . He quickly struggled to his feet , and handed the now complaining baby to Simi , putting himself between them and the creature . He turned to face it only to discover that it was gone . While his back was to it , it had disappeared . " What the hell , where did it go ? " He choked , breathing heavy despite the minimal exertion . His heart was racing , but mostly from fright and adrenaline . Oscar looked down , and his eyes bulged . The back side of his arm was laid open to his eyes . Blood was dripping heavily onto the carpet , and he could see his muscle sliced cleanly , the flesh white and disturbing to his stomach . He 'd been a rambunctious child growing up , and had sustained dozens of serious injuries , but never had he seen anything like this . Simi dashed away from him into the bathroom , grabbed a towel , and returned , wrapping it around his wounded arm tightly . " Come on , get in the car . We 've got to get you to the hospital . We can talk about this crazy shit on the way . " Oscar squeezed his arm under the towel , trying to press the two halves of his muscle back together . Luckily , it seemed as though no important arteries had been severed . It was bleeding , but not profusely . He followed Simi and Trevon out to the car , shuffling dazedly as he went . She had the baby in the car seat and the engine running before he even opened the passenger door . " It doesn 't matter , " she replied , " You 're okay , right ? Are you feeling like you 're going to faint or anything ? Light - headed ? " " What do we tell them when we get there , Niña ? How did I get this cut ? Because we surely can 't tell them that it was a ten foot orange cactus monster that slashed me . They 'd put us both in the psych ward , and stick Trevon in foster care . " I was at a parade for one of the local town 's annual celebration . They do a children 's parade earlier in the week , and then the winning floats get to march in the grand parade on Saturday . One of the winning floats was " Oh , The Places You 'll Go ! " themed , so I ran over and took some pictures of it before it got away I feel like it 's my personal theme now , or something . I 've almost memorized it , and there 's very few lines in the book that don 't resonate with me . Like this one they painted on the side of the house . You have brains in your head , you have feet in your shoes . You can steer yourself in any direction you choose . I love seeing others who find this book inspirational too . Okay , the USA lost versus Germany , but we still made it through to the next round . So , I guess that 's both bad and good . Oh well , now that that 's passed , I could take a minute or two and get some writing in . So , here 's day eight . I wrote 639 words , to bring my total on the story to 8 , 337 . And here they are : He laid him down in the crib in his room - - he 'd given up the bassinet a little while ago . Then he and Simi sat down together to watch some TV . There were times that Oscar felt a little dismayed at his new domesticated routine . They never used to spend evening after evening watching TV . But now with a little baby around , more often than not that 's what they did . A year ago , Oscar couldn 't have come up with the names of any of the shows presently on television . He could have recommended several good restaurants in each part of the city , he could have said which nightclubs had the best scene , he could have related which beaches were the best to sit in front of a campfire at night in a sweatshirt on , but TV he knew nothing about . Now , he had several shows that he watched weekly . From the violent , dirty ones on HBO to the cute , romantic comedy ones Simi preferred , and the gritty cop procedurals that were everywhere , he followed them all . It was a different life than the one he 'd lived , but he still loved it . Sitting on the couch with Simi snuggled in beside him , head resting on his shoulder was a good place to be . On occasion , he could even persuade her to get frisky with him on the family room floor . Not tonight , of course , since they 'd already took advantage of Trevon 's Yo Gabba Gabba distraction . Tonight was an episode of Castle with a glass of wine or two . A quiet evening . " What was that ? " Oscar asked . He wasn 't a big fan of wine , so he 'd only drank one glass to Simi 's two . " I think I was asleep , " she responded . Then there was another , louder crash . " I heard that though , " she said , worry in her eyes . Oscar extracted himself from under Simi 's draping body , and hustled up the stairs . Another bang sounded before he reached the top . It was coming from Trevon 's room . When he opened the door , he was confronted with a ten foot tall monstrosity . It looked like a giant orange cucumber with arms and legs . . . and spines . The spines jutted from dozens of places on its body , arms , and legs . They looked dangerously sharp from where Oscar stood , mouth agape , in the doorway . The thing had one large eye on its head , but appeared to have no other facial features . It was thrashing around in the room as if it could see nothing out of its single eye . Trevon 's baby books , toys , and diaper supplies were littered on the ground , along with the remains of the shelf that some of them had been resting on . As Oscar watched , dumbfounded , the creature banged a hand on the wall - - although it didn 't actually have hands , its armed just sort of rounded off at the end - - knocking a picture frame down . Simi screamed , loud and frightened . She 'd just made it to the top of the stairs behind him . The creature didn 't even look toward them . Apparently , it had no ears as well . Sorry for the delay , everybody . I was out of town for a little while last week . I was going to forewarn you about the pending lack of updates on the story , but I 've heard it 's not a good idea to put an ad onto the internet about how your home will be empty and available to burglarize before you leave on vacation . So , I kept it to myself , and am telling you now that the danger that someone might look up Anklevich in the phone book to find my address and swoop in to remove all my valuables has passed . Now , my in - laws are in town , so I gotta entertain them , and pretend to be a dutiful son - in - law . Also , there 's that damn World Cup . It keep sucking me in . And the games are happening right at the best time for me to write . So , lots of excuses , but I 'm not giving up . I 'm still doing my best to write . Oh , I had one thing that I wanted to ask . Regardless of whether you have anything to say or not , if you are reading the story , will you please comment . You don 't have to say anything about the story , or anything . Just say hi . I 'm just curious what the reach on it might be . Some people comment about it here or there on Facebook and the like . But I 'd like to see if we can nail it down . Anyway , here 's today 's chunk o ' writin ' : Trevon grew and progressed at a rapid pace , as babies tend to do . He learned so much so fast that it always amazed Oscar . He started rolling more competently . Front to back , and then back to front . Then he started rolling to get himself around . If Simi left his rattle out of his reach , he would roll himself around until he could reach it . Then he started doing it just for the sheer joy of moving and being in charge of where he was going . Oscar would lay Trevon on a blanket in the family room , go to the kitchen to make a sandwich , and find him halfway across the room when he got back . Rolling , progressed to crawling , which was big trouble . Thirty - five years of freedom to do what he wanted , when he wanted to do it were suddenly over . Now , Simi and Oscar could never rely on knowing where the baby was . Going to the kitchen to make a sandwich while watching the 49ers play required that Oscar bring Trevon along with him slung under one arm . If he didn 't , he returned to an empty room , and had to spend a while searching the house for the fugitive baby , hoping that he hadn 't ended up in mischief or bodily harm . And he ended up in mischief an awful lot . He pulled plugs from the wall . He pulled throw blankets down where Simi had artfully draped them over arms of easy chairs . He even pulled one set of curtains hard enough to yank the rod out of the wall it was attached to . Worst was when he managed to pull a bookshelf down on his head when Oscar went to the bathroom without bringing him along . Not only did all the thick best - seller hardbacks tumble onto his poor little head , so did a heavy bookend statue of a knight . The knight was holding a lance , and the tip of that lance sliced its way down the back of Trevon 's forehead leaving an alarmingly bloody gash . Oscar and Simi spent a long Saturday afternoon at the emergency room only to find that the wound wasn 't worthy of stitches . A nurse applied large Band - aid , just like the ones in a box in their first aid kit at home , to Trevon 's head , and sent them home with an admonition to child - proof their home now that they were no longer childless thirty - somethings that could count on everyone in their home acting and thinking like an adult . Oscar took the warning to heart , and bought a hundred dollars worth of child - proofing supplies from the local Ace hardware store . He stopped up unused plugs , moved furniture to cover cords or hid them inside cord keepers , secured furniture to walls , he installed a big glass grill around the fireplace , screwed the bookshelves in and removed all the heavy bookends . He breathed a sigh of relief after he was done , but was a realist enough to understand that Trevon would surely find the chink in his armor , the one thing he hadn 't thought of , and exploit that . Because that 's how kids are , at least as far as he remembered . He wanted the best of everything for Trevon . Despite his child - proofing efforts , he didn 't want Trevon living in a sterile , soft - sided environment . He wanted him to play in the dirt , catch bugs , and climb trees like he himself had played when he was a child . He wanted to keep him away from video games and TV as much as possible , though he knew there was no way to keep him off them one hundred percent . He got on Simi 's case sometimes , when he came home from work and found Trevon propped up on a bouncy chair or in the playpen watching television . It was her who had told him that doctors said children shouldn 't be watching TV until age three . But sometimes a person just needs a break . Still , he just couldn 't abide some of the crap that was made for kids . At least Teletubbies had been canceled and disappeared off the airwaves before Trevon saw his first show . He wouldn 't be part of the generation raised by Tinky - Winky and Po . But there was still a lot of messed up stuff on TV aimed at kids as young as Trevon still was . That evening , he walked in the door and found Trevon in the playpen in front of the TV watching a show called Yo Gabba Gabba . He stood transfixed in front of the TV , unable to look away . Simi saw him there , and said , " Hi , Oscar . " He didn 't respond . He couldn 't respond . He was transfixed . The sheer awfulness of the television program that was playing for his son had left him completely without words , nearly without thoughts . " It 's the worst thing I 've ever seen , " he said again , " Look at Trevon . Even he thinks it 's stupid . " Trevon didn 't appear to think anything of the sort . He was staring raptly at the antics of the creatures on the screen . " He 's thinking right now that this crap is for little babies , not big boys like him . This is a fetus show , he 's saying . This shit is for embryos , man . " They had to be quick , because Trevon never gave them time alone for long . Oscar had learned a few tricks to speed things up , and Simi had stopped expecting everything to be ideal since the baby had come along , though , so they managed to satisfy each other before their time ran out . When they came back in the room , Trevon was into another back - to - back episode of Yo Gabba Gabba , and he was still smiling . Simi went back to the kitchen to finish up what she had been making for dinner , and Oscar got Trevon out of the play pen and sat him on his lap . He still watched the show instead of looking at Oscar , but he didn 't mind . He snuggled him closely , giving him whisker burn with his five o ' clock shadow . Eventually , the show came to an end , and Simi called them both to the dining room to taste another one of her masterpieces . Today it was Italian . Today 's creation : Gnocchi Pronto . Gnocchi with roasted mushrooms , Italian sausage , baby peas , and bacon in a sundried tomato cream sauce . Simi was one of those people who loved food . She refused to just whip up some Kraft Mac and Cheese or nuke some chicken nuggets . Food had to be worth eating for her to put it in her mouth . She didn 't eat a lot , but she enjoyed every bite to the fullest . Oscar suspected that she enjoyed making it twice as much as she enjoyed eating it . I took the weekend off , Sunday was Father 's Day after all , and Saturday was . . . I don 't know , a day off . Sue me . Anyway , I 'm back . Rish made me promise on air that I would write tonight when I got home , so here it is . 1 , 058 words . Not bad for a last minute thing , I 'd say . 6 , 300 altogether . Oscar had missed it , but it was okay , because there was a command performance that night . An encore just for him . He and Simi were deep asleep . Oscar was dreaming that he was eating a bowl of ice cream , only he was also riding a rollercoaster . It was a stressful dream . He was so worried that he would lose hold of his bowl of ice cream , and it splatter Ben & Jerry 's all over the people in the cars behind him , not to mention possibly braining somebody waiting in line below when the bowl came down to earth . On top of that , the speed of the rollercoaster was causing the ice cream to melt faster . Maybe it was the friction or something , Oscar didn 't know , he wasn 't a physicist or anything . He just knew it was melting , and the longer it took him to wolf down that ice cream , the more soupy drops went flying back onto the people behind him . They were starting to complain , some of them vociferously , with F - words and racial epithets . They were poking him . Not just from behind , but from all sides . Even Simi , who was sitting in the seat next to him , with Trevon on her lap , was jabbing at him . Trevon was on her lap ? Oh my God ! " Hold on tight to him ! " he yelled to her , but he was sure she couldn 't hear him over the roaring wind . She kept poking at him , only securing Trevon with a single hand . And he had been worried about what might happen if he dropped his ice cream ! The poking grew increasingly annoying , but the terror he felt for Trevon 's safety made it seem insignificant . Up ahead , he could see that the rollercoaster was headed for a corkscrew section . There was no way Simi would be able to hold the baby safely through that . Why had the workers let Simi bring Trevon on the ride on her lap ? And why hadn 't he noticed and said anything ? They hit the corkscrew , and forces jostled Oscar violently from left to right . The ice cream bowl flew from his hands , and the complaints erupted into a frenzy from behind him . He heard someone scream below him as the bowl smashed into their unprotected head . The prodding and poking increased . Then Oscar screamed as Trevon slipped from Simi 's hands and disappeared , howling as the rollercoaster rushed onward without him . Oscar awoke , gasping . The dream had been really upsetting , despite the ridiculousness that he instantly recognized upon awakening . However , the poking and prodding didn 't cease . That part wasn 't a dream . That was coming from the throng of shapes drifting lazily through the air in the room . With the lights out , he couldn 't see them well , but he quickly guessed that they must be the same things that Simi had described to him over the phone that afternoon . He jumped from the bed , jostling several of the shapes from their flight pattern , and snapped on the light . Probably one hundred shapes in every shade of the spectrum clogged the airspace of his bedroom . And , as Simi had told him earlier , they were solid , not made of insubstantial beams or balls of light . He walked to Simi 's side , feeling as though he were walking through one of those ball pits at a McDonald 's Playplace , only in zero G . He knelt by her side , but he couldn 't decide if he should wake her up . She 'd already seen this , and waking her would probably only succeed in stressing her more . He could see just from the set of her forehead that she wasn 't sleeping peacefully . Perhaps she was in the midst of a similar dream to his . And the shapes seemed harmless , just like the rainbows and the fireflies . They were all soft - sided , rounded things . Like a bunch of waterballoons jiggling about in the air . " Ouch , except that one , " he muttered aloud , and turned to see one that had a corner on it . It was harder that the others too . This felt more like a hard plastic or metal edge than a jiggly water balloon . He looked closer at the other shapes around the room , and noticed several more of the hard - sided ones . Maybe he should wake Simi after all . If nothing more than to make her mobile enough to avoid the pokey ones if needed . Her response was proof that Newton 's law did not apply to her . Instead of slowly quietly opening her eyes , she sat bolt upright and cried out . She was instantly shaking and breathing heavily . She grabbed at Oscar , getting a handful of his hair . Oscar 's hand snapped up , grabbing her wrist , and keeping her from ripping the hank of hair out at its roots . " Oh , crap . They were here . I swear . It was just like you told me about over the phone . All the shapes , the colored shapes . " There was a rustling from the bassinet beside them . Trevon wasn 't crying , but he was awake . Simi 's rude awakening had probably shocked him awake . The tears were surely soon to follow . He squawked , and Simi , like a well - trained animal , immediately turned to him , and brought him forth from the bassinet . He squawked , and Simi freed her left breast and thrust the nipple into his mouth . She sat back against the headboard again , and closed her eyes , beyond the reach of Oscar 's words . There was something about breastfeeding that did that , Oscar didn 't really know . He 'd never read those What To Expect books . It released a hormone or something like that into a woman 's system that calmed them and , often , put them to sleep . He knew he 'd get nothing more from her this evening , so he went back to bed , even more troubling dreams haunting his sleep . Didn 't really feel like writing today , but I forced myself to do it . It was one of those days , so I didn 't get any time to write until late in the evening . By that time , I just wanted to relax for a while and then go to bed . Instead , I slaved over a hot keyboard until I came up with these beautiful words for you . I hope you appreciate all I do for you . Anyway , enough of that nonsense . Here 's the words . 1 , 147 of them . Pretty good for not wanting to write at all , I suppose . Despite the weirdness , life went on . In the morning , Oscar had to drag himself out of bed and head off to work , even though he was dog tired after staying up so late the night before due to the fireflies . He turned the water much colder in the shower than he usually did , and he doubled the size of his morning cup of coffee , and managed to sleepwalk through the day . A few years ago , he would have just snorted a line , and been right back on his game , but Simi had made him promise to leave that behind , and so far , he managed to stay true to that promise . Caffeine was now his drug of choice , and he supposed that his heart thanked him for it . After all , it was a much lower strength stimulant . Oscar was jealous of Simi the whole day through . He struggled to work his magic , selling stock , making trades , and earning commissions , while Simi was able to stay home with the baby . Sure , she 'd gone through a whole lot of hell to give birth to Trevon , but she got a nice extended vacation as a reward for it . He was back at work less than a week later , and wasn 't even allowed any chemical help to get through it anymore . Without cocaine , he barely felt like a stock broker anymore . At least he still had a wife of above average beauty to come home to . Hell , above average didn 't even come close to covering it . She looked like a Bollywood movie star , and as she greeted him in the hallway when he got home that night , he thanked his lucky stars she chose him over all the other options she 'd had placed before her . Oscar looked down at Trevon , who was hanging off Simi 's torso in a sling , and took his face in his hands , " You rolled over ! " he squealed at Trevon , " I can 't believe it ! You 're getting so big ! " He looked back up at Simi . " Is that normal or early or what ? When do babies usually start rolling over ? " They didn 't know what to think or say about the fireflies and the rainbows . They didn 't know what to do when they were occurring , and they had even fewer ideas about what to do in their aftermath . So , they elected to think , say , and do nothing about them . They did their best to forget that they had ever seen anything like that at all . For a few days afterward , Oscar asked Simi the same question at the door when he came home , and the answer was always negative , so soon he no longer asked . It was probably a silly thing to ask anyway , because if something weird had happened , Oscar would surely have known about it before he got home . It 's not like she had to send word to him by telegram or something . He was on the other line with a client , and he had to jump back over , and make excuses and promise to call back , a very big no no in stock broker - land . He 'd probably lose that client for good , but he didn 't give it a second thought . His wife was home alone with another . . . event . He didn 't know what to call it . " I don 't know . They 're freaking me out a lot more . I mean , I can touch them . They can touch me . But they 're just floating randomly . They don 't seem to notice me , or , I mean , they don 't seem like they even could notice me . " " What about , Trevon . Where 's Trevon ? " So panicky , he thought , not much of a strong shoulder to lean on . But he was doing his best to deal with this . " I don 't know . Let me see . " After a short pause , she said , " no , it looks like all the shapes are in the bedroom . Is that weird ? " " No , " she responded , " I was going to ask you the same thing , which of course would have been really dumb because when could you have done that ? " Another pause , and then , " It 's a firetruck heading down the street . I don 't know where it 's going , maybe one of our neighbors had a heart attack or something . Do you think I should call the poli - - " Oscar sighed deeply . He felt as though he 'd been holding his breath the entire time he 'd been on the phone with Simi . " So , you 're okay ? They 're gone ? " Okay , everybody , here 's some more story . Today it was 978 words . It 's the rest of the scene that I started a few days ago . Overall , the story has reached 4 , 110 words . I think it 'll be nigh on novella length when I finally finish it . Which will be fun for everyone , because it will make this event last all the longer . Anyway , here 's the new stuff : " Should we call the police or something ? " Simi asked , still swatting at the growing balls of light . They had shifted so that not all of them were growing . Some were shrinking while others grew , but they all remained insubstantial to touch . " I think you get in trouble for doing that , don 't you ? Isn 't it worse to file a false police report than to just be ignored because you sound crazy ? " Oscar said . " Ooh , I know . " Simi dashed back to the nightstand , passing through dozens of glowing white globes . She snatched her iPhone , and brought it up . Her flash popped as she snapped a picture . Then she frowned . " It looks like crap , " she said , " you can 't really tell what it is . It 's too dark . " " Is that what this is then ? " Oscar asked , " Is it some kind of paranormal thing , a . . . a paranormal . . . event ? " He was sure there was a better term for it , but it wouldn 't come to him . " Like an alien abduction or a Loch Ness Monster sighting ? It 's not just in our minds , right ? Because we 're recording it with the phone , so it 's real , right ? " " Then I guess we 're crazy . Or aliens or the C . I . A . is fucking with our minds . I don 't know , Simi . I 'm not as freaked out as I was when I first saw it , but I 'm still pretty freaked out . " " I don 't know what we can do . It 's not hurting anything , there 's nobody we can call , we can 't make it go away ourselves . . . at least I don 't think we can . I assume that it will go away any minute now , like it did last time . " " Will they ever go away ? " Oscar wondered . " If they don 't , that will make it a lot easier to convince the scientists that they were here . We won 't really need the Ghostbusters to help us prove they were really if they never go away . " " I don 't know if I could do that right now , either . Being creeped out isn 't exactly the right mood for it , you know ? " She didn 't push his hand away though . He didn 't know if that was because she was distracted or that she was actually entertaining the idea . He 'd meant it as a joke , because he 'd never thought she 'd even consider it . It really was an odd time for it . She didn 't say anything , but also didn 't swat him away . Nor did she meet his eyes . Oscar had a weird feeling that this situation was actually exciting her . Suddenly , he remembered back in college , how they used to watch a lot of horror movies , and then fucked like bunnies afterwards . He 'd never realized it at the time , but just now it occurred to him that she might be one of those girls who got aroused when she was scared . That 's when Oscar noticed that the fireflies were gone . Had they just disappeared , or had it been somewhere in the middle of their sexual escapade . He thought he would have noticed , but he couldn 't say for sure . I 'm afraid this story is becoming too dirty . It 's not a dirty story , but I guess I have a dirty mind these days , so I keep going there . And now I 'm live - blogging this story , so I can 't cut it out before anyone sees it . Is this story too dirty ? I mean , comparatively speaking , probably not , but it 's got dirtiness in it . Am I just being too much of a worry wart ? Are any of you thinking that you 'd rather not continue reading this story ? I 'm sorry if I have a pretty low threshold for becoming embarrassed by my own writing . I 'm just afraid . Ignore this . You can respond to it later , when I have finished the story . In medias res comments will probably derail my progress . Big Anklevich is a writer , podcaster , diabetic , toy collector , audiobook listener , national park patch collector , and father , but not in that order . So , why did he write them in that order if they don 't belong in that order ? What a douche ! His thoughts may not be deep or worthwhile , but he 's here to share them with the world all the same . Again , what a douche ! |
Category Archives : Fantasy Tales of the Driss , Krystal Dragons Now Available After some adventures and trial and error in self - publishing , Tales of the Driss , Krystal Dragons is now available . I am hoping that readers of fantasy will now be able to enjoy it . It was one of the most interesting endeavors in my writing career as writing prose is not necessarily my forte . It is far easier for me to wrap my head around screenwriting , and even that is difficult at times . I felt the story of Kellen and Ferian had to be told . And since this book is the first book in a series of at least three the Driss and their fellow fantasy characters will be pulling at me for some time to come . Thank you for your readership of bot this blog , and hopefully , the book . The characters have been dancing through my head since I saw the portrayal of the characters Fili and Kili by Dean O ' Gorman and Aidan Turner in The Hobbit movies . Now , Kellen and Ferian , the Driss brothers , have a world of their own . They hope that you will join them there . Thank you . Jerrick wondered where his brother was . He had sent his younger brother Kerrick out into the world to gather their people , the Driss who had been scattered by the Trow who had always hunted them . Jerrick had to remain in the North , in the country of Lunaris where he was King to their people after his Father 's death . But the High Laudriss , the ruling body of his people , had decided they wanted to gather their wandering brethren and fortify here in the North . This meant that they needed an envoy , a representative , and they had chosen Kerrick . Jerrick felt he had no choice but to agree with them . He had to remain here and maintain the security of their new Kingdom that was under constant threat by the Trow and Tresser , dark elves and their cousins who hunted Driss . He also had to guard against the other people of the world who did not trust the Driss due to their rarity and general misunderstandings . Driss were small and fair . Taller than gnomes , dwarves and Halflings , but shorter than men , elves , Trow and Tresser . Kerrick was his little brother , and they had been through everything together . From the wanderings of their youth to their finally having found a homeland in Lunaris . The brothers had been born on the road and had witnessed many things and been through many hardships before they had come to this place . They had been hunted , chased , denied shelter by the other peoples of the world . Suffered from cold , hunger , near starvation . They had survived it all and come to Lunaris where they built their Father a palace from stone and wood . A simple fortress , but it was home to them . Now , Jerrick was lonely as he sat at his desk , late one night , looking over books and papers , trying to find any words in the journals of his Father that would lead him to the Krystal Dragons . They were Krystaline statues of dragons , one rube , one jade , one opal and one sapphire . When brought together at the Krystal Fortress in the South , they created a shield that could protect the Driss from any enemy . That 's what Jerrick wanted . To return his people to their proper place in their own land . This place was home , but it was not the home of the Driss . He sighed as he shuffled through one of his Father 's journals . The pages were old and falling apart . Any clue . Any clue at all would be helpful . The candle light was dim , and he was having a hard time concentrating on the pages he was looking at . His mind wandered back to Kerrick . He remembered that night in the kitchen when he had requested Kerrick go . It was quite clear to him . A night of victorious drinking after the defeat of their rivals the Trow who were trying to drive them out once again . The Trow were dark elves who lived under the earth and hated all other people , but they especially hated the Driss . They were alone in the kitchen that night . Sharing a brotherly moment , one of the last they would have for a very long time . Jerrick thought about it . Then he realized that he hadn 't really thought about it . He just assumed that Kerrick would accept the assignment . " No , I didn 't think of that . Are you saying you do not wish to go ? " Kerrick gave a nervous laugh and said , " I don 't know . It 's a heavy decision to make . And you 're just kind of springing it on me . Have you told anyone else ? " " I think you 're the only man for the job . You 're a Driss prince , one of the last of the royal line ! They will trust you , Kerrick . " It was a bit unfair , Jerrick knew . He had given Kerrick basically no other choice . His brother nodded . " If this is what you want , then I will go . " " You have my thanks , brother . " Jerrick said . " You have my thanks . " Kerrick left soon after . They said goodbye to each other down by the gates to the city . There was a reluctant look on Kerrick 's face . " You will be fine , brother , " Jerrick said . " I will see you again in a few months . Be careful when you are crossing through the lands of men . They cannot be trusted . " Jerrick looked up through the trees . He could see the blue sky and could feel the warmth of the sun filtering down through the branches . " It 's a beautiful day to start out , " he said . He hugged his brother hard . " Take care of yourself , Kerrick . Come back to me . What would I do without you ? " That had been some months ago , and Jerrick was beginning to worry . He shuffled through the journal pages . There was nothing . Why did his Father leave him no clues ? Did the old King not want him to reinstate their people in the old fortress ? It made no sense . His Father had been a complex Driss . Merrick never spoke about anything that happened before the Fortress had fallen . As far as the King was concerned , his life had started anew upon arriving in the North . He and his wife had lived happily in this palace built for them by their sons . When Merrick 's wife died , he soon followed after her . It was a common malady of Driss to follow a mate closely in death , whether it be a husband following a wife or a wife following a husband . Jerrick had been fifty when his Father had died . At fifty he had just come of age . However , he was ready to take on the reins of the kingdom . He just wished that he had someone to share that burden with . And now that Kerrick was gone … The heavy wooden door opened and Wolfnoth , a younger Driss from the High Laudriss stepped into the study . He was a meek Driss , but a good friend . He always sided with Jerrick in the councils . He carried a candle with him and he looked like he was on his way to bed , he put his hand over his mouth as he yawned . He came and stood across the desk from Jerrick . " It 's very late , your Majesty . " Jerrick smiled . " You are right , Wolfnoth . I shouldn 't worry so much . And it is well passed time to go to bed . I will find no Krystal Dragons tonight . " Kerrick had been out on the road for many months . He had passed through the lands of gnomes and men and had come at last , to the edge of the Broken Forest . He had heard rumors in the man Kingdom that he had recently left that Driss would sometimes pass this way . So he had decided to come to this place to see if it was true . What he found there amazed him . A Driss caravan full of men , women and children who seemed to have been camped there for a while . Their wagons were old , but they were still serviceable and seemed to offer the Driss enough shelter . They seemed well and happy . Still , It was Kerrick 's job to find out who they were and to try and get them to come back with him . He went up to a Driss man who seemed to be in charge of the group . He was slightly taller than the others and had long dark hair and a roguish grin . Yes , he was the leader all right . Kerrick went to his wagon , where the Driss was lounging upon the high seat . " Excuse , me , sir , " He said to the Driss . " Are you the leader here ? " The Driss looked down at him with a smile . " Yeah , I suppose you could say that , " He said . " Name 's Anders . What can I do for you ? " The Driss looked at him in astonishment . " You 're the son of the King ? " " Actually , the brother of the King . Our Father passed away some years ago . " " I 'm sorry to hear that , you Highness . However , I don 't know if my people here would really like to be gathered . We kind of like our wanderer 's ways . " " But why would you wish to keep wandering ? We have a palace and a Kingdom in the North . What would keep you out here when you could come with me and be with others like yourself ? " The Driss pointed off into the forest . " On the other side of those tattered brambles is a place . The place that Driss are meant to belong . The Krystal Fortress . The home of our people , before we were driven from that place by the Trow . " Anders shrugged . " What plans ? We will go tomorrow . For now , you may sleep in our wagon , for you look as though you would take any roof over your head at this point . " Anders pointed behind Kerrick . He looked to see several women sitting around a fire helping to cook the evening meal . However , he knew she was the one with the long red - gold locks and the sapphire eyes . He also knew that he wouldn 't be able to make Anders any promises . " Right … " He said . " Your sister . " Kerrick had to admit that that night he didn 't know if he was thankful anymore for the roof over his head , as it put him in close proximity to a woman that was very clearly a Driss goddess , which now he thought was very unfair . That night , when everyone who was going to sleep got ready to do so . She came and sat next to Kerrick . She had a perplexed look on her face , as if there was something about him that she did not quite understand . " I have not wandered for many years . My brother and I helped our Father build his Kingdom in the North . We lived with him there until he died . Now my brother Jerrick is King and I am his ambassador . He has sent me to gather our people . " " The Driss . All of us . We will be stronger if we fortify in the North , and then maybe , when we are truly strong , we can take back our lands in the South . " " If you don 't want to come ? Don 't you wish for a home , a place where you can stay and won 't have to move from ? Roots ? " " Lusa ? " He repeated . " Well , it is good to meet you . " " It is good to meet you too , Kerrick , son of Merrick . Goodnight to you . " She left him and went to the trailer where the unmarried women slept . Kerrick , slept in the wagon with Anders and his young friends . It was a decent roof , but a little too close for comfort . As they caravan made it 's way South , Kerrick ended up spending most of his nights wrapped in his blanket up on the wagon seat . Nobody bothered him or tried to talk him out of it . It was still warm , as it was late summer and there were still warm nights to be had . They reached the crossroads and found no one there . Perhaps when they returned , Anders suggested . They moved on to the South . Going around the forest was not the most expedient way to travel , but it was the safest , as only the elves knew the hidden paths through the forest . It loomed in the distance , a tall jagged tower of stone . It was not fancy or extravagant , but it was a symbol of power . It was the Krystal Fortress , created thousands of years ago by Driss who knew the secrets of the Krystal Dragons . The statuettes of crystal , one Sapphire , one opal , one ruby and one jade that powered a shield that covered the fortress and all the surrounding lands . That was what used to keep the Trow and Tresser at bay . Now , the fortress stood empty . It seemed that the Trow and the Tresser had given up guarding it since the dragons had been lost and the royal Driss family had fled to the North . Still , Kerrick could not help but go into that place . Search the empty stone halls , look at the items that had been left behind when the Driss had abandoned this place . See the skeletons of the ones that were unable to escape . This had been home to his Father and his Father before that . But Jerrick and Kerrick had never known this place . They were born as their parents traveled to the North . Still , it was sad . It seemed as though the halls were filled with angry ghosts . Ghosts that would stay there until their deaths and people were avenged . That night , he made the royal suite his bed chamber . He had cleared off what had been the bed and had put his own blanket there , for the old bedding was rather rat and moth eaten . The bedchamber was on the top floor of the tower , so much could bee seen through the windows . The windows had no glass , they were open to the air . From the bed , he could look out and see the stars in the clear night sky . Someone came and lay down next to him in the dark . At first , he was scared , but then he realized it was Lusa and he knew that it was safe . " What are you doing here ? " He asked . " Would you like me to leave ? " She asked . She sounded a bit miffed at him , as if she really didn 't want to leave . Then part of him wondered if he really wanted her to . She said nothing more . She lay by his side quietly and was soon asleep . Something about her being there with him perplexed him . What was it that she wanted ? Anders had told him to stay away , but was that what he truly meant ? He curled up next to her and went to sleep . They camped in that place for a week , and each night she would come and sleep with him . He was becoming used to having her there . And soon enough , he expected her there . And finally , he was ready for her to do more than just sleep by his side . The night before they would journey back to the crossroads , they made love for the first time . It was that night that he realized that he loved Lusa . And it was clear to him that she loved him back . On the journey back to the crossroads , they slept in different wagons again , because as far as Kerrick knew , no one knew about what they had done , which was probably for the best . When they finally reached that place again , Kerrick was amazed to find that there was indeed a gathering of Driss there . And not merely a small gathering either . There were probably a thousand Driss there all together . Men , women , children . All of them with their wagons and whatever they had to sell or trade . This was more than Kerrick could have ever hoped for . As the Driss from Anders 's caravan began to disperse within the larger group to trade and conduct other business , Anders took Kerrick aside for a moment . " I assume this is what you were hoping for . " Anders said . " There may be more still . We have not heard from our brethren who lay further to the Southwest and East . There may be even more than this . " " It is alright . She loves you . Or so she has said . But just know , if you hurt my sister , I will kill you myself . " Tales of the Driss , Krystal Dragons Revamped Beginning Hello ! ! I went though and I redid the beginning of this particular piece of writing and I wanted to know if it reads well , so I am going to go ahead and ask my friends and readers how it reads . See anything amiss , let me know ! ! Thank you so much ! ! Jerrick wondered where Kerrick was . While Jerrick had had to stay behind at the palace at a meeting of the High Laudriss , the leading council of their people , the Driss , Kerrick had gone off on a hunt . Jerrick had to admit , he was a bit jealous . As his father 's eldest son , he was obligated to care for his people as the man who was now their king , but he wished he had the freedom that Kerrick had . The current meeting was about the Trow , dark elves , and the Tresser who were their henchmen who had always hunted the Driss . " Our scouts have informed the council that the Tresser have been seen Camping in the valleys just South of here . If they should come any closer to Lunaris … " Reger was one of the oldest Driss on the council of the High Laudriss . He was one of King Merrick 's most trusted advisers , and Jerrick had continued to trust him . " Our king led us to this safe haven in the North , away from the horrors of the Trow who have always made war against us . We would all be gone , if not for him . " " And our good princes built his palace for him . " Said Wulfnoth . A younger Driss who was closer to Jerrick 's age . " We will not be driven from this place as well . If the Trow and the Tresser find us here , we will be done for . " The other ten members of the High Laudriss agreed by nodding . " we must strike them first . " Reger said . " We must keep better watch and destroy any Trow or Tresser that come into the valley . This is our home ! ! It may not have the magic that once protected us in the Crystal Fortress , but it is strong , and we will not be driven out again ! ! " " I will give the order to the guards and the scouts . " Jerrick said . Any Trow or Tresser seen coming into our domain must be destroyed . All must be killed . We cannot afford to lose what Kerrick and I have built here . " Young ? Jerrick did not think himself young . He was fifty - five , just had come of age five years earlier . He had two years on his brother Kerrick who was fifty - three . I suppose that is what young means , Jerrick thought . We are still young among our people . " Now to our second order of business . " Wulfnoth said . " We have decided to gather the rest of our people . I would ask that our king choose an ambassador to send out into the lands in order to gather our people back to us . We have been scattered by misfortune for too long . We must consolidate our kingdom and people . Who do you choose , your Majesty ? " Jerrick thought about it for a moment . Whoever he sent might be gone for a long time , as the Trow and the Tresser had spread their people thin . Who could he trust with such an important mission ? The door burst open and Fanna , the head of the guard came into the war room . He was dressed in his armor and had a grave look on his face . " Fanna , what is it ? " Jerrick asked him . Fanna bowed . " Your Majesty . We have received news that there is a band of Tresser camping up in the mountains , near to where your brother and his friends are hunting . " " What ? ! How did this happen ? How did they get past our defenses ? I suppose that doesn 't matter now . Now we must go and save my brother . Bring my armor ! ! " Jerrick cried . Jerrick decided that Wulfnoth was right . He looked over to where Fanna stood , still in the doorway . " Go . Bring my brother back to me . " He said and he sat down dejectedly in his seat at the head of the war room . Kerrick loved his friends and , in all truth , he wasn 't much of a hunter , but he enjoyed being outdoors having a good time . He knew his brother Jerrick was a bit jealous that He had so much freedom , but Jerrick was king now , and his responsibilities were great . Plus Kerrick did not do this kind of thing very often . He wouldn 't pass up an opportunity though . He and Jerrick had spent so much or their youth wandering at first , and then when they had settled , they built their father a palace from which to rule . It wasn 't extravagant or anything . A simple building of stone and wood . Still , it was home , and they called it a palace because it was home . Then , a few years ago , soon after Kerrick had turned fifty , their father had died . After that , he felt as though he was almost alone , as Jerrick was busy taking care of the palace and kingdom , and he was just … there . So the best thing to do was to get out , even if it were just for a little while . The game seemed to be sparse that day , which was odd , because these woods always seemed to have something to offer . They had managed a few quail , a deer and a fox , but everything else seemed to have gone into hiding , as if they had disappeared . As they camped that night and cooked their quail over a fire , Kerrick couldn 't help but wonder why . " The game was sparse today , " he said to his friends . " That is unusual , don 't you think ? " " I suppose , " said Gen . " Then again , the season is changing and it will be Winter soon . They may have gone into their Winter hiding places ? " Gen was slightly younger than Kerrick , and wasn 't much for hunting either . " No . " Said Riin . " The forest seems to have emptied itself . Tat is very unusual . Not many things can have such an effect . As if they have been driven out . " " Evil … " Kerrick said . " You do not suppose that it is Trow ? " He asked worriedly . If it were Trow , they would be in great danger out here in the open , as Trow could see and move easily in the dark , and the Driss could not . That was how the Trow used to conduct their massacres , Coming in the night and killing all they could while taking some and leaving only the grieving and wounded behind . A memory came to him , but he pushed it away . He did not wish to remember that right now . " If it is , we are definitely in danger . " Riin said . He was an older Driss who came with the two younger Driss as chaperone . He knew all about the Trow and the Tresser . A scar down the left side of his face told an ugly tale of a dark encounter with them . " I think it would be wise to put out the fire . " " Agreed . " Kerrick said . " If they do come , at least they can see us less clearly and we can see them more , if our eyes adjust . " " Keep your swords at the ready . " Riin said . We cannot leave this place tonight , it would be too dangerous to travel at night . But we might be able to defend ourselves if we stay here and keep our backs to each other . " The fire was put out , and all the three Driss could do in the dark was wait . Every sound , every snapping twig , or rustling leaf put Kerrick on edge . He stayed close to Riin , but knew that if they did come , it would be hopeless . And come they did , and hopeless it was . All he saw when they did was shadows , and the flashing of knives in the moonlight . Kerrick heard Gen scream , and knew he was dead . Then he himself was grabbed , and he was thrown against a nearby tree . The air was knocked out of him , and he had to regain it before he could do anything . Soon he knew that Riin was gone too , and they came over to where he lay , and lifted him off the ground . His energy had not returned , and he was sure that a few ribs might be broken . When they lifted him , he just hung there , waiting for them to kill him . Instead , one of them ripped the brooch off his cloak . That brooch had on it their family crest . The Trow would probably know it . Apparently they did because , instead of killing him , they bound him and took him away into the night . Kerrick woke to find himself in a cave that was lit by a fire . He was bound hand and foot , and his broken ribs made sitting upon the hard floor very uncomfortable . Still he had to do something , so he sat up and looked around the cave . There were about ten Tresser in there , and at least one Trow . Man , he assumed . It was sometimes difficult to tell due to the fact that both men and women had the same pale skin and ragged teeth , as well as the black hair . Trow lived in the earth , for the most part . They lived in great cities under the ground in almost complete darkness . Still that didn 't stop them from hating just about all of the other races , especially Driss . When the Trow saw that Kerrick was awake , it came over to him . They all wore similar white robes and walked elegantly like normal elves , or so Kerrick was told , as he had never seen elves before . Still , this creature was elegant . It came and knelt down in front of him . It reached out its hand and ran it through Kerrick hair . " Light hair . " A distinctly male voice said . " That is unusual for Driss , isn 't it ? " " Yes , well if you were looking for a woman , you 're out of luck . " Kerrick said defiantly . " Why haven 't you killed me ? " The Trow continued to play with Kerrick 's hair . " You 're not dead because I don 't want you to be dead yet . " It said . " Your brother is king , isn 't he ? And I have no doubt that he 'll come for you . " " My brother is not that stupid . Someone may come for me , but it won 't be him . Now get your filthy hands off me , you piece of shite ! ! " The Trow knotted his fingers in the blond hair and pulled at it savagely , causing the Driss to cry out . " He may not be stupid , but you are . So very , very stupid . " The Trow yanked at Kerrick 's hair viciously . " If I were you , I would shut my mouth . " The Trow gave Kerrick a hard back - handed slap to the face , causing the Driss to fall over sideways . The Trow then ripped a long strip from Kerrick 's cloak and wound it around his head , gagging him with it . It wound a bit of hair in it 's fingers and yanked it out , roots an all , causing Kerrick to cry out again . " Stupid Driss . I will rip it all out before you die . " The Trow then walked away and left Kerrick to his misery . Jerrick had said he would not go , but he could not leave his brother 's rescue to anyone else . He had to rescue Kerrick , and he would . He had already found the bodies of Riin and Gen . Following the trail of the Tresser in the early morning light would not be hard , as the creatures had not even tried to hide their trail as they made their way through the forest . In some ways , they did not have to . They were holding a prince now and assumed that they would have no need to hide for long . When he rescued Kerrick , he would prove them wrong . The trail led up into the hills , which was not surprising since there were caves in those hills , and it would be the most likely hiding place for the Trow and Tresser . The Trow spent their days living underground . While they could walk under the sun , the preferred not to , since the sun hurt their eyes . That meant that they would probably be in a resting state at this point since they had been busy during the night and the sun was bright that day . He just had to find the cave they were hiding in . He crept up the hillside , watching for any sign of movement . He had not brought his armor as he had intended . He knew if he was going to do this he had to be as stealthy as possible , and armor did not make for stealth . Jerrick thought he was being very quiet as he made his way . He was just about to check out another cave when suddenly , he was grabbed from behind , a hand covering his mouth . He was pulled into the shadows behind a rock . He was turned to look upon the face of his captor and when he saw who had taken him , he was both annoyed and relieved . The hand was removed from his mouth . " Fanna . " He said . " I am glad to see you . " " No . " Fanna said . " Your Majesty , you brother is our responsibility . You know I would have taken care of this . Do you not trust me ? Do you think so little of my abilities ? " Jerrick shook his head dejectedly . " No , I do not doubt you , Fanna . However , Kerrick and I have always taken care of each other . I could not leave him out here . " " I understand , your Majesty . " Fanna said . " Anyway , it 's too late for you to turn back now . We are almost upon them . There is a crack in the hillside some way above us . I believe that is where they are . I will scout it out . When I return , we will formulate a plan , and we will go in and get him . " Fanna returned a short time later with news . He sat down behind the rock beside Jerrick . Jerrick was anxious to hear what the older Driss had to say . " They have your brother and he still lives . He seems to have suffered some pain , but not so much as to incapacitate . Still , getting him out of there will not be easy . The cave houses about ten Tresser , and at least one Trow . It is well guarded so devising a plan may be difficult . " " The purpose of luring is to get the majority of those you lure to follow you . It would be too dangerous for you . But if I can get most of them out of the cave , that would leave fewer of them to fight when you get in there . Also the chances that my men will catch up to me as I lead them on are good . It is safer for you to sneak in . Do you have anything bearing your royal insignia ? " Fanna asked . " My mother made this waist - coat for me for my fortieth birthday . She was very proud of me . She died not long after that . And my father died . Driss can barely stand to lose their mates sometimes . Their mates cling too closely to their hearts and when one goes , the other feels as though they must follow . " Jerrick lifted an eyebrow in surprise . " Romantic ? " He said as he began to take his jacket off . " I never would have thought that we were romantic . Still , I suppose it fits . " He took off the waist - coat and handed it to Fanna . The other Driss put it on . " Yes . " Jerrick said . He didn 't know if he meant to say that or if he was merely trying to appear brave . Still , he had no other choice . " Let 's go . " Fanna made his way up the hill , and Jerrick was not far behind . Jerrick satyed hidden in the shadows as Fanna stepped in front of the cave opening and shouted . " I am Jerrick , son of Merrick ! ! Come and get me ! ! " Thankfully , it worked , and the Tresser took off after the Driss as he ran back down off the hillside . Jerrick went to the cave opening and peeked inside . At first , he saw nothing . He did see where Kerrick lay tied up , but he did not see any Trow or Tresser . Jerrick tip toed into the cave , hoping that he was right and he would not find his enemy in there . He made his way over to where Kerrick lay , and tried to untie him , but he was grabbed from behind and thrown aside . Jerrick hit the wall hard as he was tossed across the room . It too a bit for him to regain his air . When he had , he looked up to see a Trow towering over him with his brother Kerrick in its arms and and a knife to the Driss 's throat . Jerrick tried to get to his feet , but the Trow kicked him in the gut . " I suggest you stay down , my small friend . You will not be rescuing anyone . " Jerrick lay still as the Trow took a step back , holding his brother tightly , and the knife close to his skin . So close that a bead of blood was escaping from a small cut . " As you see , I have your prince . I just wait for my Tresser to come back with your king . Or maybe they were mistaken . Maybe this rat at my feet is a king and the other Driss was merely a decoy ? Thinking is not something the Tresser do especially well . However I can see in you what I need to . The elegance , regality . " Once again , Jerrick tried to get to his feet . He was able to , but he could make no move against this creature , not while it held Kerrick . Plus the creature stood about three heads taller than Jerrick . Driss were small people . Not as small as gnomes or halflings , but small , nonetheless . Kerrick 's feet were held high off the ground . " You know the answers to these questions . " The Trow said . " The Driss are an abomination that must be wiped from this world . We will do this . " The Trow tossed Kerrick aside , the Driss landed with a thud on the hard rock below . The Trow lifted its knife and attacked Jerrick . Jerrick was just able to fend it off with a sword hastily drawn . But the Trow was strong than him and incredibly fast . He would not hold out for long against this creature . He dodged blow after blow , attempting to stay out of the way of the Trow 's blade , but he was finally struck in the left shoulder , and fell to the ground with a cry . With a triumphant look on its face , the Trow lifted his sword , ready for the death - blow . And then it stopped , mid - swing . The bloody tip of a sword protruded from its chest . The Trow dropped the knife and fell forward . its was dead . Kerrick was the one who had struck the blow . He walked up behind the Trow and pulled the sword out of its back . " It 's so very wise of them to just leave weapons lying about . " Kerrick said with a smile . He helped Jerrick up . Jerrick was pained , but he knew that they had to move . " We have to get out of here . " He said to his brother . Kerrick nodded and they ran from that place and waited for Fanna 's return . Fanna arrived soon after with reinforcements , and the knowledge that all the Tresser in the band had been killed . It was over . Back at the palace , Kerrick sat with Jerrick in the kitchen . The two of them liked the kitchen because it seemed that it was so much more private than the banquet hall . They sat and ate together and drank and talked about everything . And then the conversation got serious . Jerrick thought about it . Then he realized that he hadn 't really thought about it . He just assumed that Kerrick would accept the assignment . " No , I didn 't think of that . Are you saying you do not wish to go ? " Kerrick gave a nervous laugh and said , " I don 't know . It 's a heavy decision to make . And you 're just kind of springing it on me . Have you told anyone else ? " " I think you 're the only man for the job . You 're a Driss prince , one of the last of the royal line ! They will trust you , Kerrick . " It was a bit unfair , Jerrick knew . He had given Kerrick basically no other choice . His brother nodded . " If this is what you want , then I will go . " |
Mikel fucked Zelena hard , the way she liked it . She bent over the potato sacks , her skirt pulled up over her bare bottom , and her panties down at her knees , and bang ! Bang ! Bang ! He went as she grunted with each thrust . Then suddenly , " Oh . . . oh . . . oh . . . Micky , harder , harder I 'm coming . " And her back arched and flexed as her body was flooded with a climax . Then she lay still , eyes closed , panting . " That was super Zelly . Let 's do this every day until I leave . " Mikel said as he bent over and whispered in her ear . For Zelena the plastic bags were wonderful . They made Mikel 's penis seem almost twice as large around , and the rough texture was very stimulating to her vagina . While she lay over the potato sack , Mikel went into the shop and threw the plastic bag on top of a pile of other bags which were used to wrap vegetables . Zelena 's parents sometimes remarked that the bags seemed sticky or that they smelled funny , but they concluded that they must have been used by the fishmonger . All the bags circulated and were recycled through the village and were used and re - used by everyone . Zelena got up and pulled up her panties . She was a slender , blonde , pretty girl , unlike most other girls in town and her mother . They were all from peasant stock , but her father was tall and blonde too , claiming a relationship to the defunct royal family , who 'd been eliminated in 1940 . But she conformed to the local dress , longish black skirt , print blouse and always black stockings . None of this , even the clog - like shoes they all wore in summer detracted from her good looks . " I hope you 're not letting that peasant boy fuck you . " He told her . " You 'll get pregnant and have little dumpy peasant kids and your life will be over . " " Stop talking like that over dinner . " Nadia , Dmitri 's wife told him . " You shouldn 't talk that filth , especially to your own daughter . " " My own daughter ? Fine example you are . You and your butcher . The only way I know she 's MY daughter , is that she isn 't a dumpy peasant girl . " What Zelena thought was probably the truth . As soon as she was eighteen - - on her eighteenth birthday , her father had seduced her - - raped her would be a better word . It had been such a fun day , and she 'd had too much to drink . He 'd put her to bed , then got in beside her and taken her virginity , as was the custom . Her mother had been furious when she came in and found him in her bed , not because he 'd fucked her , but because he hadn 't used a condom . He 'd gone out next day to the chemist and bought a package of three condoms which he was still using . He washed them out each time and reused them . They were too expensive to discard after one use , he said . Nadia , Zelena 's mother , didn 't really mind that Dmitri was fucking Zelena , it was quite common in the town for father and daughter to have sex , and it gave her the opportunity to sleep with Arvand , the butcher . She " loved " her husband alright , but she didn 't like his sissy ways . He claimed aristocracy , and let her know it , and he was soft and had long thin finger , and he had a slender body . His love making was gentle and considerate , varied and with a lot of foreplay . She liked sturdy peasant men like Arvand who knew what she wanted , a nice thick penis , and she loved the feel of his thick body on top of her . He got straight to the point , ripping her clothes off , jumping on her and pounding her body for what seemed like hours at a time , while she screamed with ecstasy . " Dmitri 's wife is preparing him some left - overs for dinner . " And so on , getting raunchier and more vulgar as the day wore on . But as soon as Arvand appeared there was silence . He always had a meat cleaver hooked to his belt , and there was a huge slash in the bar counter where he 'd delivered a blow to it when one of the men had said something in jest about Nadia . So life in the village went on . Then one day a big car appeared and parked outside the dry goods store . Out jumped a beautiful woman , and all the topers in the inn fell over each other to get a look . Bella had left the village three years ago , first to Vienna , then to Paris and finally arriving in London . She 'd found a good job and periodically sent money home . The chemist said she had a job showing visitors around town . She was an escort . They did wonder how she 'd come to know London so quickly , but it really didn 't matter as long as the money came regularly . After she 'd visited her father in the shop Bella went into the inn where one of the men bought her a drink . She talked to the guys , and laughed at their jokes , but even though they were all eyes no - one made a move on her . She was too lovely , too fragile looking , and even though at least one of them had been to school with her , it was hands off , her mini skirt had their full attention . They rarely saw a woman who didn 't wear black stockings and a calf length skirt Zelena came running out of the storeroom , saw Bella and ran up to her and they both hugged . There was at least two years difference between them , but they were much alike , tall , blonde with long legs . Dmitri gazed at Bella as the two girls stood talking , and he wondered how he could get Bella into his bed . " No I 'm an escort . Whores pick men up in the street and get paid 10 pounds , that 's about 1500 kopesch . I meet men by appointment , in a private apartment or in their hotel room , and they pay me 200 pounds , that 's about 30 thousand kopesch . " " That 's not possible . No , you 're just saying that to impress me . If I could get 3000 kopesch from one of the men in town , even your father , the chemist , a rich man , I 'd count myself lucky . But 30 thousand kopesch ! If I did it once a month I 'd be rich . " And so they talked on , with Zelena amazed at the cost of everything in London , but getting more and more interested in the idea of going to London and becoming an escort . Not only could she make a lot of money , but she could fuck a lot , and Zelena loved to fuck . " How many men do you have a night . " Zelena asked . " Three , four or five . " Bella answered . " Well , the cheapest thing is a hand job , you masturbate a man until he squirts . " She said . " Then there 's a blow job . " Zelena thought about it for a while . Mikele was gone , but maybe she 'd try it with dad . She 'd wash his cock first , then suck on it . Thinking about it started to make her horny . Zelena was aghast . She 'd never dreamed of anything so disgusting . In the mouth was one thing , but imagining a man sticking his penis in her arse was beyond her imagination . It must hurt , for one thing , but then the nastiness of it disgusted her . " You have to clean yourself first , then most of the time it 's okay . And in lots of ways it 's better , you can 't get pregnant , for one thing . And it gets rid of his stuff if you don 't like to swallow it . " " Yes , I can speak a few words . Maybe you can teach me more . Good morning . My name Zelena , who you ? I like to . . . what do you call it Bella ? " " What are you trying to say ? You like to fuck ? I like to fuck . I like to give blowjob . I don ' like you fuck me in arse . " She laughed . " English is very funny , you 'll have to teach me the good stuff Bella . " And the two girls went on talking to each other in broken English until it was time for Bella to go . After she left Zelena thought about everything she 'd heard . Tonight she 'd try to suck Daddy 's cock , but she didn 't know about anal sex . She 'd have to think about that . That night Zelena had just gone to bed when she heard the door open and her father , Dmitri , came into her room . She felt the covers lifted as he slid into bed beside her . She rolled over to face him and they kissed , as he slipped his hand under her nightgown and started to touch her . As his hand slid up between her soft thighs Zelena stopped him . " What ? " He was puzzled . What else was there between a father and daughter ? " Why do you want to suck me , don 't you like me fucking you ? " " Yes , yes I really like fucking , but Bella told me that sucking a man 's cock is really very nice and exciting . Besides , you wouldn 't have to use those rubber things , that I know you don 't like . When you squirt your stuff I just swallow it . " Dmitri turned over on his back and Zelena slid down kissing his belly until she reached his penis . She kissed it , then sliding the skin back on the uncircumcised head she kissed that too . She was starting to feel very horny , and taking the head of his penis in her mouth she started to suck on it . They were both enjoying this so much they wished it would go on . While Zelena sucked on her father 's penis she tasted the liquid that oozed from it and knew he must be getting near a climax . He , meanwhile , was now fucking his daughter 's mouth with abandon . Loving the feel of her mouth , her tongue and he knew he 'd soon have to let go . Then , suddenly : " That 's enough , my love , that 's enough , just hold it in your mouth , it 's too sensitive . Aaah yes , just like that . " As the last ooze dribbled into her mouth . " Zelly my dear girl , that was wonderful . You are such a good girl , what other daughter would do that for her father . We must do that again , soon . But what can I do for you now ? I cannot get hard again for a while , what shall I do for you ? " " What ? A zucchini ? You bad , bad girl ! " As he laughed uproariously . " You want me to fuck you with one of my zucchinis . And who shall we sell it to then ? Who would you like to see eat it after it has been in your pussy ? " So he pushed to fat zucchini into her hungry orifice , and between that and his fingers he brought her to a climax . As they lay together afterward , in the warmth of their fulfilled sex , Zelena was thinking . Now she 'd tried giving a blow job , and it had been nice , no it had been wonderful , but she was thinking about who she would have give her her first anal sex . No , not Daddy , his penis was too big , but one of the boys in the village , perhaps . Or maybe she should go to Tortana , the big town , and pick up some one at a bar . She 'd have to think about it . Chapter 2 She was having trouble going to sleep . Zelena kept thinking about who she should choose to give her anal sex . Of all the men her age that she knew the only possibility was Karl . But Karl was so shy , and she hadn 't even had sex with him yet . Finally , she decided , it had to be Daddy . He had a very large penis , but she knew she could trust him and that he 'd be careful and gentle . She drifted off content , knowing that in the next few days her curiosity would be satisfied . She got into bed , and sure enough she heard the bedroom door open , the covers were lifted and she felt her father 's body snuggle up against her . His hand slipped under her night gown , caressed her bottom , then moved between her legs . She rolled over on her back , and moved her legs so that he could touch her vagina . She loved what he was doing , but had to stop him from fucking her . His hand pulled away from her soft , wet vagina . For a moment he was silent as what she had said sunk in . " Your arse ? You want me to fuck your arse ? I can 't do that , it will hurt you , and it will be messy and . . . . . . . . . . " " Yes , Daddy . I want you to stick your cock in my bottom . I know it will hurt the first time , but Bella said that after you get used to it it feels good . I bought some jelly to make it slip in easier , and I cleaned myself up really well so that it wouldn 't be such a mess . Besides , it will feel really good for you , and you won 't have to wear one of those rubber things . " Dmitri pondered this for a few moments . The thought of sticking his penis in his daughter 's tight anus excited him and his penis became hard at the thought of it . But would it hurt her badly ? Would it damage her down there ? But she wanted him to do it , so he 'd try it . Zelena had moved so that she was kneeling on the edge of the bed . " Oh Daddy , Daddy , that feels very good . Just do that for a few minutes , please . I like that . " For Zelena the excitement was huge too . The hard penis pushing into her felt wonderful , and she felt her hole was being stretched to the limit . Her heart was pounding with the thrill of what was happening and she gave a deep sigh . But then Dmitri gave a harder shove . Dmitri pushed again and felt his penis slipping little by little into Zelena . It seemed to stop even though he was only a little way in . He gave a hard shove , and whatever was blocking him yielded . " NO ! Stop . Stop . It hurts ! " Zelena cried out . But it was too late , his penis was going deeper and deeper into her as she sobbed in protest , until she felt it stop , and felt his pubic hair against her bottom . " Don 't move . " She replied . " Just rest . It 's nice like this , with your cock inside me . It hurts , but not when you 're still . " Slowly Dmitri pulled back and out , then in again , then out slowly , and with every smooth thrust Zelena grunted and sobbed . The pain was excruciating , but for some reason she wanted it ; she even wanted the pain . He seemed to be splitting her apart , and after a few thrusts started to move faster . After a few minutes of rest he moved to pull out and the pain was repeated , especially as his knob pulled through her sore hole . It was over , and for Zelena there had been some pleasure but much pain , but it was done . She 'd had her first anal sex and would try it again soon . The night she suggested to her father that she was ready to try again , he was dubious . " Are you sure ? Are you sure you want to do it to you again Zelly ? " And so Dmitri had anal sex with his daughter again . Again it was painful for her , but she wanted it . She loved the feel of his hard penis sliding in and out of her , even though it hurt , maybe even because it hurt . This was repeated several times over the weeks until she was able to start enjoying it . So a pattern was set for sex between father and daughter and each time they did something different . It was getting close to the time for Zelena to leave , only four more weeks , and she was excited at the prospect . She was to live with Dmitri 's brother , Sasha , in London , mainly to learn to speak English . His brother had a small restaurant in Soho and the family lived above it , and the attic above the flat was to be outfitted as a bedroom for her . There were two sons , one older and the other younger than Zelena , they shared a bedroom and the parents had the other in their small flat . One night Zelena went to the village inn with some friends . She was telling them about moving to London , which made them all jealous because they all wanted to get away from the village . Some had friends or relatives in other countries and could probably get away soon , but many didn 't . Karl was there , but as usual he hung back and didn 't say much . He was tall and goodlooking , very smart and musical , and desperately in love with Zelena . But poor Karl was very shy , and even though he and Zelena were good friends he never made a move . That night though , Zelena had too much to drink , so when she started out the door to go home he was quick to offer to walk with her . " I love you Zelly . " He said . " I don 't want you fucking a lot of men . " And he started to fondle her breast through her sweater . They kissed some more and his hand was under her sweater . Zelena was enjoying what he was doing , and soon his hand was down her jeans and found her vagina . When he told her to take off her jeans she readily complied . They lay down on the grass and she felt him pull his penis out and she took it in her hand . " I love you Zelly . I don 't want you to be a whore . I want to be the only one who fucks you . " And he rolled over on top of her as she spread her legs to accept him . " You fucking tease Zelly . " He hissed at her . " Leading me on like this . Fuck you . Go to London and be a fucking whore . I won 't fuck you then , I might get a disease . " " Karl , my love , I 'm sorry , but I can 't do it . I didn 't mean to lead you on , I thought you 'd have a condom . Please forgive me . Let me suck on your cock instead . Please ? " Karl was lying to one side after moving away from Zelena , and his penis was now limp . Zelena moved toward him and took his cock in her hand , rubbed it a couple of times , then put it in her mouth . She felt it start to harden and felt it oozing into her mouth . Then using her tongue and sucking she heard Karl moan with pleasure . Her heart was pounding , the excitement made her want to fuck , but she knew she couldn 't . Soon she was rewarded for her efforts as she felt Karl ejaculate into her mouth , splattering her tongue and the back of her throat . She sucked and swallowed , the sperm filling her mouth until nothing more seemed to come , and as his penis softened she moved back and away from him . Then more clapping and laughter . They both got up and looked around to see a small group of their friends from the inn who 'd been watching them . Hastily Karl zipped up his pants , as he and Zelena started giggling . Zelena realized that she was naked from the waist down , and as she laughed she almost fell over putting on her panties and jeans . She and Karl started to walk to the shop , and Zelena wiped her mouth with the back of her hand . When they reached the shop they kissed in the doorway . " I 'll get some condoms , then we can fuck properly . " Karl said . It was already getting dark when they had met at the inn , and had a glass of beer . There were mostly older people there so none of their friends were with them . Karl had finally got up enough courage to buy a packet of condoms , but had gone to the next town to buy them . They 'd decided that the best place for sex was the park , and they 'd found a dark spot where no - one would see them . It was a nice warm evening with a gentle breeze , and they lay down in the grass and started to kiss . When Karl 's hand had found its way under her skirt Zelena had taken off her panties , and lay on her back with her legs open . The warm breeze blew across her vagina and felt wonderful as Zelena lay on her back with her legs open . It felt so nice she didn 't even want Karl 's fingers in her , but that felt good too . This was all perfect , better than being in her stuffy bedroom . The deep , hard strokes Karl gave her felt super for both of them . This was what Karl had longed for the last two years as Zelena had grown into a beautiful woman . He 'd imagined how it would be to have sex with her , lying in bed as he 'd stroked his penis or crouched over the toilet masturbating , and now it was all coming true . The moon was just coming up and Karl could see her pink hole open to the air . He was fascinated by its layers of sex : the heavy , thick labia of her vulva ; the delicate , thin , pink inner labia ; and in the center her still - open hole . He leaned over and kissed it and with his tongue tasted the moist opening , pushing his tongue into her . " Aaah . Aaaaa . . . . . . . . . . . " She gasped out loud . " Lick me Mickey , lick me . " Forgetting for the moment who she was with . Then with much grunting she reached an orgasm . " I 'm sorry , I know I did . But Mickey was the only other person who ever did that to me . " She murmured contritely . " I loved it . It was wonderful . I 'm just going lie here all night with my legs wide open and feel the breeze waft over my pussy . In the morning it will smell like fresh washing off the clothes line . " She laughed . " In the morning your cunt will have been defiled by every man in the village who is capable of walking . And it will smell like the fishmonger 's shop . " Karl told her laughing . Karl took her hand and pulled her to her feet . Then they walked hand in hand back to the shop . They kissed at the door , long , hard , then she went in and up to her room . Zelena 's grandfather had arrived the night before , and he and Dmitri had sat talking over a glass of schnapps . They discussed how they would work together in the shop and so on . They talked about how the village had changed . Not much , except that most of the young people were leaving if they could . " So Zelly is going to leave and go to London . Vlad will treat her well , but will probably try to fuck her . " They both laughed because Vladmir had quite a reputation with the girls . " Have you had her yet ? " His father asked . " Of course you can , Dad . " Dmitri told him . " She is a very good fuck . Tonight or tomorrow go into her bedroom in my place . " The next night at dinner Zelena knew she should expect her father to come to her bed later . There was a lot to drink and Dmitri and his father were telling jokes and sang a couple of old folk songs . Even Nadia , her mother helped out , singing along with the men , and she was surprised to hear what a nice voice her mother had . She was feeling very good when she got to bed , and didn 't feel like taking a shower . Daddy won 't notice if I 'm a bit stinky , she thought . As she lay curled up in her bed she heard the door open , felt the covers of her bed raised and felt another body snuggle down next to her . She felt her night gown lifted and a hand groping between her legs . She was actually a little hesitant , because she still felt the glow of last night 's episode with Karl , but rolled over on her back and moved to kiss her father . She recoiled in horror ! It was her grandfather ! She was practically in tears , but felt his strong hands exploring her body , even as she tried to push them away . He had found her breast and his mouth was on it and in spite of her protests it did feel nice . At the same time he was fingering her vagina , and her moans of protest were turning to moans of pleasure . This went on for several minutes and Zelena started to feel the heat emanating from between her legs and filling her body , and when her grandfather moved up and lay on top of her then slowly slipped his penis into her ready slit she gasped , then groaned with pleasure . She 'd abandoned all resistance , and with her legs spread wide and raised straight up Zelena was participating in this gross orgy in spite of their age differences . Grunting with each thrust she was moving her hips in rhythm to her grandfather 's movements . She loved to fuck , and this was just another wonderful experience . They lay together for nearly half an hour , then he got up , kissed her again and left the room . Zelena lay there as he left her and fell asleep with her nightgown up around her shoulders , knees up , legs apart , until she woke to find herself cold . She covered herself and rolled over into a deep sleep . " That 's shit ! " Her mother spat out vehemently . " That old man could easily knock you up . He used to come to my bed just after your father and I were married , and got me pregnant . But in those days it was easy to get an abortion . I think we 'd better go and see Mother Kaldie . The old witch will examine you and see if you 're pregnant . She can get rid of it if you are . " Mother Kaldie was a witch . The younger people in the village didn 't really believe it , but even those who didn 't still believe in the " Old Ways " were loath to cross her . In her younger days when the Russians were there she 'd been a prostitute and had done very well , then with a venereal disease and advancing years she 'd taken to folk medicine , and probably did better than the village doctor . She was not the witch of folklore , but a slender , still somewhat attractive woman of 60 . She boasted that she could cure many ailments , but the main source of her income was from abortion , and women came from miles around for her services . It was believed in the village that she was worth a lot of money , and she made a trip every week to the bank in the next town to make a deposit . " I don 't know . Nadia , she may be pregnant and may not , look here . " They both peered into her and Kaldie poked at her cervix with a long tool . " That red spot . I think it 's closed , but it 's hard to tell . " This whole procedure was mortifying to poor Zelena . She wanted to be sure she wasn 't pregnant , but they were acting as if she was a piece of meat , a commodity . Now another cushion was placed under her hips , raising them more and she heard Mother Kaldie mixing something at the sink , it smelled of vinegar . " You 'll be alright now , but no fucking for a week . Your father can fuck you in the arse if he wants . Your granddad too , that should feel good . " She chortled . Mother and daughter walked home in silence until Zelena said she wondered how the woman knew about her father fucking her ass . Nadia was silent . " You told the butcher , didn 't you ? " She said to her mother . The second night after the treatment she had anal sex with her father . She was starting to enjoy that now but wondered how it would be with a stranger . Then her father prevailed on her to let her grandfather fuck her anus . So that night , while Zelena lay in her bed she heard the door open and felt someone get into bed with her . She felt hands caressing bottom , and a finger inserted into her anus . Without a word she reached over and took out the lubricant and handed to her grandfather , who didn 't understand what it was for . He did as she said , and she felt his hard penis nuzzling her hole , then slowly sliding into her . Oh that felt nice , she thought . Deeper and deeper it went until she could feel his pubic hair against her bottom . Then he starting thrusting in and out of her anus , at the same time he reached around , found her vagina and started to rub her clitoris . Within a few minutes she jerked spasmodically as she had an orgasm . What he was doing was super . " Harder , harder . " She urged him . Then felt his balls slap against her labia with each hard thrust . Bang , bang , bang he went as she grunted to his rhythm . In just two days Zelena would leave the village and fly to London but tonight she was going to give herself to her father for the last time for what was to be a long time . Dinner was rather quiet because they were all aware that they would not meet again for months . Her last night she had promised to Karl , but tonight was Daddy 's . After dinner was through and the dishes cleared away Zelena and her father left hand in hand and went to her bedroom . They kissed and kissed and kissed , then her father undressed her . He unbuttoned her shirt and took off her bra then kissed each of her breasts , paying close attention to the nipples . She took off her shoes and he unbuttoned her jeans and pulled them off . They both wanted to make these last moments last . She rolled over and took his penis in her mouth . She sucked and licked it with love , but soon wanted it in her and he was ready . She slipped her panties off and opened her legs to receive her father 's hard penis , dressed in rubber , and as it slipped into her slippery hole she gasped at the exquisite feeling that spread through her body . " Daddy , I 'd love to have your baby , it 's hard to not make it happen because I love the feeling of your sperm deep inside me , still alive , still part of you . Whatever I do , wherever I am , my cunt will always be there for you to use . You were my first lover , you made me a woman , and if I ever marry another man he will know that if you want me he must allow us to fuck . " That evening she met Karl for the last time and they walked out in the dark to their sheltered place in the woods . Luckily the weather was fine and warm , and as they settled down in the grass they started to kiss . Zelena undid her shirt and wasn 't wearing a bra so that Karl could have her breasts , and he soon was fondling and kissing them and sucking on a nipple , and she was soon gasping at the fine feeling she was experiencing as the warmth spread through her body . After a few minutes Karl was on top of her , his nice big cock sliding in and out with hard deep movements . She loved the way Karl fucked and wondered if she should offer him her anus , but not now , this was too good . She wanted it to go on and on , but he would soon finish , she knew . She thought how nice it would be to just lie there after Karl ejaculated , and wait for another man to lie on top of her and fuck her . The lay together , his softening penis still in her and she wrapped her legs around him to keep him in . They whispered words of love in each others ears , though in Zelena 's case it was more lust . Karl wanted love : Zelena wanted to fuck . " Would you like to fuck my arse ? " Karl had thought about this a lot , but had been too shy to bring it up . " Oh yes , please . " He took it and started to rub it on Zelena 's anus as she now knelt beside him . He had thought about this for some time . Everyone knew her father did this , fucked her ass , but he thought she might never let him do it . This , to him , was the most intimate act a man could perform with a woman , and the beauty of it was that she couldn 't get pregnant , so no condom ! Then he pulled way out and back in again , and again , and again , gathering momentum with each deep thrust . For Zelena this was pure inexcusable lust , she was being used and she loved it . And the fact that Karl was using her anus for his pleasure made it feel depraved yet wonderful . Her heart was pounding almost in rhythm to the pounding of his testicles against her labia , and within minutes she reached that pinnacle that only happened sometimes . It seemed better than a vaginal orgasm , and her back arched and she seemed to buck and gasp for air as she cried out . Karl held her hips in his hands , fucking her this way , holding her buttocks tight , it felt as if he were masturbating with both hands , and masturbating into a hand that held his penis , his cock , tightly . And when Zelena had reached her orgasm the hand seemed to grip him almost painfully . Now it was over , and the link between them , his penis , gradually softened . He didn 't want to pull out of that tight warm haven ; he wanted to stay like this all night . " Is everything alright ? " A voice called out and a flashlight shone on them . It was the village priest . " I was passing by and heard someone cry out . But I can see you 're fine . Goodnight Karl , Goodnight Zelena . " Next day Zelena sat in the plane and held on tightly to the arms as it took off and climbed sharply . She was terrified . She 'd got home after midnight from being with Karl then had to get up early for her father to drive her to town to catch the train which would take her to the airport to catch the plane . She couldn 't decide what to wear so that she didn 't look too out of place among the other travelers and then in London , but had decided on a mid - thigh skirt , stockings , not those awful black ones , but a pair of tan thigh - highs and a nice pair of shoes . A nice flowered blouse and a new tan jacket completed the outfit . Everyone else looked so relaxed that she relaxed too after a few minutes and in no time they were ascending to the airport , and again she felt scared as the ground rushed up to meet them . She followed the crowd to immigrations , and in her broken English said she was going to work for her uncle in London , in Soho and produced her visa . Again she followed the crowd to find her suitcase and finally she came out and saw everyone waiting for their arrival and there was uncle Vladmir . At last someone she could talk to ! They hugged and kissed , then he took her suitcase and took her out to his van . Soon they were out on the motorway where the number of cars amazed her . Where were they all going or coming from ? She sat open mouthed as she gazed at the houses ; the people ; the cars ; then she felt her uncle 's hand on her knee . She did as he told her and pulled them off . Did all people in England drive like that she wondered as she sat , skirt pulled up , legs apart and her uncle fingering her . He raised his hand to his nose and sniffed his finger . Zelena didn 't understand him clearly , but she thought he meant they 'd be home soon . Then he reached out and took her hand , pulling it down to his lap , to his hard penis . " This is for you Zelly . Do you understand ? I 'm going to fuck you . " She kept her hand on his penis , but didn 't really understand what he meant . He had something for her . And " fuck " what was " fuck " ? She 'd find out soon enough , but meanwhile Uncle Vlad was amused by her lack of understanding . He reached his zipper , pulled it down , and told her : He roared with laughter as she lowered her head into his lap and started to suck on his penis . She understood blowjob alright , now with two hands on the wheel he felt more relaxed . And with his beautiful niece sucking his cock the world was indeed sweet . He could look forward to some wonderful fucking with her in the house . Not that his wife , Emma wasn 't good , but he liked variety , and he 'd just had to let one of the waitresses go , the one he 'd been fucking for the last two years . They were getting near home and he told her to put her knickers back on , and not to tell his wife , Emma . They pulled up in front the restaurant and unloaded her bags and Zelena went in to meet Emma . The restaurant wouldn 't open for another hour , so after Emma welcomed Zelena and gave her a big hug she took her up to their flat and gave her a cup of tea and they sat and talked for a few minutes before Vlad came back . They finished tea and Vlad took her up to her room in the attic . There was a folding ladder that had to be pulled down , then at the top of the ladder was a hatch that pushed up . She followed Vlad up the ladder and when she got to the top was surprised to find a small and simply but brightly decorated room . Later Zelena met her two cousins , John and Charles , when they came home from school . She spent the afternoon putting her clothes away , then went down to the restaurant and watched how things were done and met the cook and the other waitress . She went out and walked along the street and through Soho then back to the flat . Emma had prepared a very nice dinner , and they had decided that she would start learning what she should do as a waitress the day after tomorrow . She watched television with John who was 18 , two years younger than her , and Charles who was 14 and Emma and didn 't understand a lot of it . Then she went up to bed . She woke suddenly to see the hatch rising and Uncle Vlad appeared beside her bed . " Hi , Uncle , what you want ? " She said , half asleep . He started to feel under her night gown as she resignedly lay back . She should have known , she thought . She was so tired , but lay back and spread her legs as his fingers found her slit and slipped into her vagina . His penis was hard and as he fondled Zelena he pushed her night gown up to her shoulders and found her breasts with his mouth . She really didn 't like the fact that he was her uncle and was trying to fuck her , but she was willing to let him do it and she opened her legs for him . After several minutes of this foreplay he rolled over on top of her and started to stick his penis into her open , wet and ready vagina . She came fully awake with a start . " No , no uncle Vlad ! " She cried out in her own language . " You 'll make a baby . No ! Stop ! " He pulled back out realizing what was the matter . In Zelena 's village the birth control pill was unknown . He didn 't know what to do , she 'd already given him a blowjob , and now he wanted to fuck her . He hadn 't used a condom in years , only whores used them , and he didn 't need to go to whores any more . This was too much for Vlad . " For God 's sake Zelly , I 'm going to fuck your arsehole . Now give me the fucking lube to rub on your hole , or I 'm going to fuck you without it . Hand it over and bend over . " He rubbed the stuff generously all over her hole and his penis , then plunged it into her arse . She gave a high gasp , and groaned as he drove his hard meat straight into her slippery hole , then started to fuck her deep and hard . His testicles slapped against her labia with every deep thrust and brought her to a rapid orgasm , and as he continued , hard , fast and deep another racked her slender frame . She wasn 't used to someone using her so violently . " You are a filthy liar , I don 't believe you saw anything . You 're just saying that to get me excited . " Charles told him , and had to admit to himself that the prospect of seeing up Zelena 's skirt was getting him excited . There were two or three loud bumps from above them , then quiet . They listened , and soon heard the hatch open and Vladmir , their father , come down the ladder . John , whose penis was hard at just seeing up Zelena 's skirt , and now hearing their father " doing " her , proceeded to masturbate . As he slowly rubbed his cock he wondered if he 'd inspired his brother to do the same . He spit on his hand and the wonderful tingle spread through his body has he rubbed the head of his penis . He imagined Zelena lying in front of him with her legs spread . He imagined what the hole between her legs looked like . He 'd seen pictures and as he rubbed himself he visualized her red hole , her pretty face , her body with two soft , mounded breasts . With these visions flashing through his mind he stifled a gasp as he shot his sperm into his handkerchief . Content , he fell asleep . Next day Zelena helped clean up the dining area while Emma told her how the small restaurant was run . She also made an appointment for Zelena to see a doctor and get put on the pill . She didn 't mind that Vlad was going to fuck her , she had her own affairs , and was really rather glad that he was keeping it in the family . " It 's really sort of a high class whore , y ' know . It pays pretty good , but you have to be careful . I 've done a bit of that myself , I was a prosty for a while , and still have a couple of customer I see from time to time . " You ? Whore ? " Zelena was astounded . She never imagined Emma , who looked just like an ordinary , but attractive , English house wife , would be a prostitute . " Oo , don 't say whore , dear . That 's doesn 't sound nice . Prostitute is okay , escort is nice , but I just say prosty , that covers it . " " Your uncle , as you know from last night , does who he wants . " Emma said testily . " So do I . I fuck who I want . But when we started the restaurant we needed the money , so I went on the game to help pay the bills . " They went on to discuss what Zelena should wear as a waitress , and how she should react to customers . She should wear a short skirt , heels if she had them , at least at dinner time . Not to react if a man touched her , that could get her a big tip . When she was cleaning tables or whatever , to give men a look up her skirt , that was often good for a tip . But if a man made her an offer she 'd have to go to his place , no mucking about on the premises . She should be careful though ; there were some bad characters in Soho . Pimps were always on the look out for girls , especially young foreign girls . So next day she started work , and because there might be a language problem she should have the customers order by number , or point to the item . The first day went well . She made no mistakes , and only felt one man touch her on the bottom , and he left her a nice tip . Of course she knew what he wanted , and said : " What you want talk Jacko ? You want talk fucking ? I no can do unless you have condom , anyway you my cousin and you too young fuck me . " For John this had all gone too easily , but a blowjob from a pretty girl , how could he refuse ? He took off his pajama bottoms and lay down beside Zelena as she threw back the covers for him . She took his already hard cock in her hand , rubbed it a little then said : Next day as Zelena was working the lunch shift a big man came and sat at one of her tables . He muttered something to her in what seemed to be Russian but which she didn 't understand . He was tall and heavy with a very rough , gruff exterior . " Go and take your knickers off and come back for mister Vili 's order . " Surprised , Zelena went back to the kitchen and pulled up her skirt and pulled her panties off . The cook watched bemused . When she got back to the table she started to take the man 's order , and felt his hand creep up between her legs and start to fondle her vagina . This was difficult for her to handle , but she managed to get the order and his hand withdrew . The man ate slowly and left an extra large tip . She got up and did as he told her , but before she could lie down again he had her in his arms . Here was a muscular man , naked , holding her in his arms and she loved it . She felt his hard penis sticking into her lower belly as it stuck straight out . The hair on his chest tickled and stimulated her nipples , and she felt a warm tingle in her vagina . He kissed her and kissed her , then lowered his head to her breasts and they fell over on the bed together . He kissed and sucked her breasts ; her nipples and his hand caressed her body ; her belly ; her mound . Then found the groove between her legs , all the time sucking , kissing . He lowered his head , kissing her stomach , then her vulva , then he opened her labia using only his tongue and started to lick , and lick , and lick . His tongue penetrated her vagina , her anus , finally arriving at her clitoris . She sighed deeply and groaned in ecstasy . This felt so good he could do anything with her . Then he raised his head and kissed her again . She tasted her own juice and wasn 't sure if she liked it , but anything he did was good at this point . She opened her legs , opened them wide , and felt his hard , hard penis slide into her sopping wet orifice . " Aaaaah , da . . da . . yes . . . . Uncle Vlad . " Mixing her languages in her joy . Vlad gave Zelena a hard , good fucking . She thought she reached an orgasm , but the whole thing was so stimulating , almost violent , that she was limp and sweating when it was over . " Thank you my love , my little niece , that was perfect . As long as you stay with us we 'll fuck once a week . Sometimes I 'll fuck your cunt , when I feel like it I 'll fuck your arse . Okay ? " Zelena was getting used to being a waitress , and was picking up English quickly . She loved talking to the customers and the customers liked her . Some of them tried to pick her up , but until she knew her way around better she put them off . One of them looked interesting , however . He handed her a note which Emma read for her . He was an artist and photographer , and the note asked if she 'd pose for him . She 'd think about that one . Poor John was so horny a little odor wasn 't going to get in his way . He took Zelena in his arms and started to kiss her while he unbuttoned her blouse . She was dressed in heels and stockings as Emma and Uncle Vlad had asked her to , and she looked very sexy to him . He soon had her bra off and he was kissing her naked breast . As tired as she was Zelena was loving it , and when his hand went under her skirt she spread her legs for him . He pushed her back on to her bed , but she protested : He backed off as she took of her black skirt , and was going to take off her stockings , but he told her to leave them off , and moved on her again . The sight of her naked except for stockings and high heels was extremely inspiring to him . He gazed at her lovely legs with the small triangle of pubic hair at the top where they met , and nestled in the tangle of hair the pink line of her pubic lips . He kissed her breasts , her belly , and as he got close to her vagina the smell of sex and sweat emanating from between her legs made his heart pound . But he wasn 't ready to go there yet . His fingers slipped down the slit and found her clitoris , and she gasped when he touched it . Soon John was fucking her , at first slowly , steadily , then it was fast , hard and deep . He couldn 't keep it up for long and soon shot his load of sperm into her . It was good but over too quickly , although she was really too tired for a long session of fucking . |
Since before we were married my wife talked about having a family . Once we were on our honeymoon we couldnot get out of bed . I think my wife lived for my semen to be inside of her . But to no avail I could not get her pregnant . Our sex life started to wind down . Just to spark things up I brought home a swingers mag one day . At first she reacted cooly . But than one day she read a letter in one of the mags . It was from a black man who swings with white couples . He had a photo of himself with the letter . That night I mentioned the letter . My wife seemed interested in his adventures . That night and many that followed we shared a fantasy about her with the black man . Than one day I came home from work to hear my wife on the phone . To my shock she was talking very sexy . I watched as she stroked her pussy thru her shorts . I had to back out of the house . I was so embarassed . I caught my breath and came back in . I heard her say " my husband is home I gotta go . " I went to her and gave her a big kiss . Her skin felt very warm . I touched her crotch and asked her to bed . She took me by hand and led me to bed . We made love together like wild people . As we relaxed afterwords I asked her about her phone call . She didnt say anything for a while . A tear came to her eyes and she told me that she had been having phone sex with Cal . He was the guy from the magazine . She told me how it started with an e - mail . He had called her a few times now . As she told me the story my cock went stiff again . I told her to sit on me and take a ride . As we fucked she told me her fantasy of hooking up with Cal . This went on for over a week . It was like old times . My wife seemed to love fucking me again . Than one afternoon the phone rang . I answered it . A man said that he was Cal . We talked a bit . He knew that my wife told him that I knew about their phone sex . Than he asked if he could meet us . He wanted to meet the woman who had gotten him off so well . I said that could be arranged and said good bye . I handed the phone to my wife . They made plans for Cal to meet us ot a club later that night . We talked about this meeting while we showered and dressed . We were both a little excited about the proposal of spicing up our sex life some more . Little did I know how much of a turn it would take . When my wife came out of the bedroom she was dressed in a white blouse and a blue skirt . I could see that she was wearing a bra . I told her that she looked good enough to eat she responded that she hoped so . We drove to the club . I knew where it was but had never been there before . We went inside and found a table . A waitress came over and took our order . Just as I thought Cal would not show up a black man came to our table . He asked if we were waiting for Cal . We said yes and he said that he was Cal . I shook his hand and offered him a seat next to me . He bent over and gave my bride a kiss and sat next to her instead . We had a few drinks before the music started . Cal and I took our turns dancing with Suzy . One one very slow dance I saw Cal and Suzy grinding together . I think that if possible they would be fucking right on the dance floor . As the dance ended I saw that they were locked together in a deep kiss . Suzy walked back to the table on weak legs . I stood up to let Suzy sit down . But she whispered to me that she needed to go to the ladies room . I walked with her as I needed to use the restroom also . While I was in the mensroom I overheard two men talking . One guy asked the other if he saw the white woman dancing with the black man . " Looks like he was finger fucking her on the floor " one man said . The other man agreed . What little I heard made my mind spin . I finished and waited for Suzy to come out . The end of the hall wasThen he spread her legs and put his cock up to her pussy . He rubbed his cock up and down . Just as he was starting to put the cockhead inside , Suzy asked to use a condom . He replied that he did not use them . " I cannot knock up a white woman if I use a rubber . " He pushed his cock in an inch . Suzy protested only once more but as his cock slid up further her protest turned to cries of fuck me now , and more . He gave it to her slowly . But as she grew to accept his cock they got into a nice steady rhythm . Suzy seemed to be having one long orgasm . When he started to fuck her harder he asked where she wanted him to deposit his sperm . " On my tummy " she said . But he said that he couldn 't hear her . He stabbed himself deep . I saw his butt flexing . He was shooting his sperm inside of my wife 's pussy . Suzy said she felt his sperm splashing . He did not pull out . But instead he started that movement again . Slowly he pulled out a bit and slid it back in . They picked up the pace and before I knew it Suzy was on her way again . This time after he came he got up . He told Suzy to lay there and give one of his sperm a home . Suzy lowered her legs and motioned me to come over . I asked her how she felt . " Like I have been fucked by a big black cock " she said . Cal came back out and laid on the bed . He kissed Suzy again . She kissed him back . He took her hand and put it on his cock . She stroked his cock . " How about you spend the rest of the weekend with me " he asked . She replied " OK " . Then Cal told me that I was not welcome in his motel until he had his fill of my wife 's cunt . He told me to go home and get her some clean clothes . He told me to call before I came back in the morning . I went home by myself . I slept only a little . In the morning I packed two sets of clothes . One sundress and a skirt and top with a couple of nice panties . Wow I was picking out some nice things to impress her lover . I went to the motel and waited at the door for a minute . I could hear them . They were at it again . I called them . Cal answered . He said that they would burnettgl @ yahoo . com I just joined the Cavern recently ( through several recommendations in chat rooms ) to try and get a better understanding of the " cuckolded lifestyle " which I 'm starting to experience . After years of my wife telling me that " size didn 't matter " she 's been seeing other men for sexual gratification the past 2 years . Lately , they 've become more and more frequent . I met Anne in college while she was dating and fucking one of my roommates for about 6 months before he moved on to another woman . Once he dumped Anne , she and I remained good friends and eventually became lovers and soul mates with my roommate 's blessings . We married a year after I graduated from UNC - Chapel Hill in North Carolina . For the first 6 years of our marriage we seemed happy and content , having obtained good jobs , and having one lovely daughter . This all changed a couple years ago when I ran into my old roommate while he was in town on business . Jeff was just finishing up his work and heading home for the week when I suggested he stay a night at our house to see Anne again , and to give us a chance to catch up on old times . Jeff liked the idea , and I called Anne to let her know I had a surprise guest coming for a visit . Needless to say , I believe Anne was as surprised at who the guest was as Jeff was that Anne had not only maintained her petite figure , but had dropped the glasses and allowed her hair to grow longer . Anne is a very attractive woman , 5 ' 3 " tall , 115 lbs . , with medium length , light brown hair , and shapely 32 - D breasts with the cutest little nipples and pussy . Jeff , in comparison , is about 5 ' 9 " , 170 lbs , light black skin , and very articulate . For most of the evening we all talked about our college fun , what we 'd been doing , and where some of our old mates were now . About 8 PM Anne gave our 5 year old daughter , Chelsea , a bath and put her to bed , as it was a school week . Jeff broke out a couple Columbian Gold joints to smoke , and by 10 PM Jeff , Anne , and I were feeling pretty good . I noticed Anne and Jeff were hitting it off surprisingly well , seeing as Jeff dumped her in college for another woman . At any rate it seemed that neither Anne nor Jeff could keep their hands off each other , and at one point Anne was sitting in Jeff 's lap laughing . We were down to one beer so I volunteered to make a beer run to the corner . I was gone all of 10 minutes but when I got back , obviously neither Anne nor JWe had a couple more beers a piece and around 1 AM we all decided to call it a night . Anne had forgotten to check the guest room . I was busy picking up the last of the beer cans we 'd left laying around while Anne checked out the guest bed . After about 5 minutes I noticed I hadn 't seen Anne or Jeff lately , so as I finished picking up I walked towards the guest room only to find Anne and Jeff again in a tight hug and kiss . This time I went on to our bedroom and was going to say something to Anne when she came in , however , she beat me to the punch . Anne asked me if I would be ok , for old times sake , if she stayed with Jeff in the guest room . I could tell how much she wanted to , and it wasn 't like Jeff had never fucked Anne . Many nights in college I heard Anne moaning to Jeff 's thrusts as they fucked to the early hours of the morning . Reluctantly , I agreed that this once it would be ok , but only if she 'd share the details the next morning . Anne gave me a big kiss on the lips and rushed back to the guest room to Jeff . As I started to follow her , I noticed that the guest door quickly closed behind her . Within 5 minutes I heard that familiar moan that only Jeff seemed to be able to extract from Anne . At this point I was going through so many emotions , however , surprising to myself , I had an erection like no other that I 'd had in 5 years . I decided to stand outside the door and listen since I couldn 't see anything . I was totally jealous , I 'll admit , at the sounds that Jeff was causing Anne to make . Then I began hearing the distinctive , light tap of the bed against the wall , and Anne saying things like , " oh yes , God , give it to me " . Without even noticing what I was doing , I had extracted my own cock from my pants and was masturbating to the rhythm being set so loudly in our guest bedroom . I also was also concerned that the noise being made might wake our daughter . After another 5 minutes I hear Anne say , " yes , Jeff , cum in me baby . . . cum inside me ! " . To my knowledge this was the first guy to fuck my wife 's pussy since we married 10 years . Upon hearing Anne say that , I began launching a stream of cum like no other I 'd done recently . The first landed hard against the guest bedroom door and actually splattered back to me . I quickly took the palm of my other hand and covered my cock as another 4 - 5 jets of cum were forcefully pushed into my hand . I turned and walked quickly to our bedroom , the whole time cupping the large quantity of cum in my hand to avoid dripping it on the carpet . It was amazing at all the emotions I had going through me . I wanted to run into the guest room , move Jeff aside and quickly fuck Anne to add my cum to her soaking pussy . Then again , I wanted to run in there , push Anne 's legs apart and bury my face in her sopping pussy and remove the black cum that I knew Jeff had just deposited in her . And then again , I wanted to run into the guest room and tell Jeff his stay was over , and scold Anne for the remainder of the night . Anne never caJeff smiled , pulled up his trousers that were bunched up on the floor , quickly thanked us for a very memorable visit , then rushed out the door on his way to his own wife 2 hours away . Anne pulled her dress down and started to say , " Doug , I just want to say how . . . " but I put my finger to her mouth , telling her not to speak . I took her hand , led her to our bed , stripped both of us of our clothes , and quickly penetrated her sloppy pussy yet another time . Within 2 minutes my balls tightened and I added my own cum to Jeff 's . We then both proceeded to get ready and leave for work . That evening Anne and I sat and talked about what had happened . Anne said that Jeff was a great fuck and just able to reach places in her pussy that I could never reach . She also went on about how , even though she 'd told me " size didn 't matter " , that it really did , and that large cocks could move things around in a woman 's body like no small cock could . She said that because Jeff 's cock could push up against her cervix when he cum , that she was always able to feel the surge of his cum enter her body , which was a big turn - on and only triggered her to cum more herself . She also added that she hoped that I would not be resentful of her night with Jeff , and wanted to see Jeff again . As a matter of record , Jeff has visited us 3 times since , but this time he 's taken Anne and me out to dinner each time , and then Anne has stayed at the motel with him because of the concern with our daughter being in the house . Since that initial event 2 years ago , Anne has taken on other lovers , mostly married men from her office . Her favorite lover is a black man that she 's been seeing now for the last 3 months . She says his cock is over 11 inches long , and over 8 inches thick . I do know that when she comes home after being with him , I can hardly feel the grip of her pussy , and she 's dripping of another man 's semen . To add insult to injury , at our family Christmas get - together in 2004 , Anne 's sister , Becky , hinted to me that Anne had confided in her of her infidelitdmelt1226 @ earthlink . net Hi Coconut ! I understand my husband has posted a message on your site , I 'm not sure where it is posted , but I was told it was in a section from the husbands . I was also told that the entry was not quite appreciative of your site . I 'm sorry for his posting , and wanted to post a rebuttal or something , if you can . Marcus , my boyfriend told me that the posting he had was telling all about how things don 't go as you planned and you shouldn 't do it and all sorts of stuff that like . Coconut , I just wanted to let you know a few things . First of all , me taking a lover was his idea . I refused for about a year until I met Marcus . When I saw him , I knew he would be my first if I were to ever have one . And the night that Brian found out me having had sex , he made me tell him all about it while he masturbated . He came harder than I had ever imagined he could ! He literally shot his load a good two feet . And later that night he woke me to have sex with me . I knew I was in a position of power , a position I have never really had in the relationship , and I told him he 'd be having a lot less sex with me , and he should go in the bathroom and beat off imagining me and my new lover , and he DID ! It wasn 't until a few weeks later that Brian got to actually see me having sex with Marcus and one of his friends that he ever had any second thoughts about me having a lover , and simply I told him I 'd started for him , but now I really enjoyed it for me . Coconut , whatever he said about his feelings may very well be true , but at least once a week he calls Marcus to see what 's up and if he 's coming over that night . Don 't get me wrong , I love to have Marcus over with his friends , but I think Brian likes it even more . And what he likes even more is how I and Marcus , a 20 year old young man talks down to him . He has paid Marcus to have sex with me , he 's begged , and he 's watched every time he could , usually beating off as I moan louder than usual for his benefit . The only things that I have been unsuccesful at accomplishing getting Brian to do so far is to prep Marcus for entering me by going down on Marcus , and cleaning me up afterwards with his tongue . But I think one of those will be accomplished by the end of the year as he 's now willing to undo Marcus 's jeans and pull that wonderful cock out for me ! ! Anyway Coconut , like I say , if you can just post this as a rebuttal for him , please do . His comments before weren 't entirely truthful , and Brian and I can both be reached at this email now as I have told him I will occasionally be checking his email . OH ! ! Anyone who emails Brian has permission to be very . . . . demeaning to him . . . . and I have one request , I have never seen an Uncircumcized penis . If anyone has some pictures of theirs I would be very interested in seeing it . . . . . . I guess my last posting wasn 't very clear . I am not proud to be a cuckold . I was trying to warn others that it 's not something to be taken lightly , as there are emotions you haven 't even considered that you are going to feel . My wife 's lover , Marcus is only 19 , soon to be twenty , and I swear , I believe she is more in love with him than me . And that is not easy to take or accept . But I do , because I love her . And one day of her undivided attention is better than none . But believe me , there are things I never thought would happen . He now travels with us , and she seems eager to put on a show for the truck drivers , going down on him as I drive down the road . A few weeks ago , her best friend Jennifer came over for dinner . The conversation was normal until she suddenly announced , in front of me , that she had been fucking a couple of young black men and Jennifer should give it a try , as it was sooo much better ! ! The look of shock , then smugness from Jennifer just tore through me . And when Marcus came over a short time later , Jennifer acknowledged that Marcus was the obvious choice over me , my self esteem hit a new time low . My wife has now slept with three different black guys , two of them Marcus 's friends , and one was even a virgin ! They love to hang out at our place and watch my wife dance for them as if she were a stripper , and anytime anyone wants a drink , I 'm expected to get it . I usually know when they are about to get busy though , cause someone usually asks for something we don 't have , so then I have to go to the store . Then I usually sit in the car and beat off . . . . knowing that my wife is getting used by these boys . Knowing that she 's getting exactly what she 's wanted since she woke up that morning . Knowing , that in their eyes , my wife is their whore . And knowing in my own mind , they are right . I am rarely allowed to do much of anything sexually with my wife , but am always offered the chance to clean my wife after her sessions . She 's a beautiful woman , but seeing other men 's seed seeping from her pussy or mouth is difficult to stomach . But even more difficult to see is the worship in her eyes as she stares at Marcus . Even when we go shopping , she 'll grab a nice shirt hold it up against me , and ask me if I think it will look nice on him . By the way , Marcus and I now share closet space . I never expected that . . . . . You can see her former lover compared to myself in the picture . Not much to say about it . I quote her on what she wrote when she sent to him this picture . Arnold - take a look at your lovely dick compared to my husband . It is not strange that I don 't want his tiny little dick anymore , is it ? Next time we meet he will only watch and maybe clean me up after you have given me satisfaction . She goes out every weekend now but doesn 't tell me much about it . She was quite open about her well hung lover that we met together through a magazine . Now she has been introduced to some of his friends , some of them are black . She will never say with whom she has been together with anymore . Only thing I know is that she is having sex with someone else . Sometimes when she come home she makes me eat her pussy and I tell you - it is very well used by those occasions . My name is Brian , and I am a cuckold . I wasn 't until last week , when my wife took me to Atlanta for a surprise weekend . It was a wonderful first few days but the last two were very difficult for me emotionally . My wife is 7 years younger than I and very attractive . Simply , I have always felt I got a much more beautiful wife than I ever deserved . I am 35 . She has always enjoyed teasing me , and I have always enjoyed it as much , but last week , I found there was a little bit of honesty in her actions , actually , alot . I could go into alot of detail , but am uncertain that it 's really necessary . Simply , she started flirting with a few young black men in a group through the night , and it seemed every so often , she would get a little more bold . I felt extremely uncomfortable when they came over to our table and sat with us . . . her just a little too close to him . But unfortunately , when she caressed my crotch , my manhood betrayed me , and she thought it okay to turn and kiss the young man in front of me . I felt sick , my head was spinning , and stomach seemed to drop to me knees . His hands explored her body , and I just sat there , like a stupid little boy . Finally , after a few minutes I gained the clarity to tell her it was time to go back to our room . . . . . only I didn 't mean him too . But she did . I was told if I was uncomfortable , I could stay in the bar . I was stupified . I just sat there , as they got up and walked out , back to the room her and I were to share . After 10 minutes , my blood began to boil , and after 20 I had aroused the courage to go to my room and demand anything going on to stop ! The ride up the 12 floors of the hotel was agonizingly long . And the moans at the door seemed deafening . But when I opened the door and saw my young wife on top of the man , her grinding on his cock , her head thrown back , and eyes closed , my life stopped as I knew it . I don 't even think she heard me come in . He saw me , and just smiled . Next to him sat one of his buddies , surely there to prevent me from doing anything stupid . I just stood She smiled an evil smile at me as she laid down . " You can beat off if you want , or you can take notes on how good sex can be . . . whatever " she said . Then he slid inside her . It 's tough to watch another man enter your wife , for her to wrap her arms around him , or drape her legs over her ass and try to pull him deeper into her , but I also found myself in desperate need of release , so I did . I pulled my little dick out , and beat off while my wife fucked someone else . My only happiness at that point was that this would only happen this weekend . I later watched as my wife sucked the other man until he blew his load on her chest ( I 'd never gotten head from her ) then rise and walk over to me . " Learn anything new ? " She looked down . " That 's quite a load there for you . I bet you 'd like to watch us again . . . would you ? " She sneered . I just nodded my head . " Then ask him if you can watch next time " . Without thinking I asked " May I watch you fuck my wife again ? " I was floored when I heard his response . " Yeah , I 'll come over Tuesday night " . I quickly learned Marcus and my wife have been working together for 6 months and she has been pleasing him for 4 . He is only 19 , but is already my superior . I have had the pleasure of watching my wife please him twice so far , but it sounds as if it is going to be a pretty regular occurance . I have been informed that Marcus will be bringing some friends by to get aquainted with my wife sometime soon , and I am never to interfere . Marcus hasn 't been totally neglectful of me . Last night , he told Robin to give me my first blowjob , and she did . . . . . I just couldn 't get any of my sperm on her . |
I come from a family of five and am the oldest of three daughters ; my parents are divorced and still remain good friends . I was born on the small island of Cyprus and grew up in Zimbabwe ; even then , my crazy Greek culture never left me or my family . My house as you can imagine was always loud and full of excitement . We were girls only , so there were either hormones at work or friends coming and going ( with their jokes , issues and drama ) . We always had people everywhere with different personalities flying around , it was a joy . We all spoke loudly and expressed our emotions in shouts of joy or screaming , nothing under that tone of voice . When we were happy , we would scream and sad we would still scream . When we were angry , we 'd scream or there were days where we just felt like screaming , it was nothing out of the ordinary . Many people are over whelmed the first visit to my home , but by the second or third visit they are basically adopted and adapt to our crazy characters too . My mother is a Christian and so are my two little sisters . I gave my life to Jesus when I was younger but due to my natural rebellion I left the church shortly after I started my teen years . So much has happened since then and I saw the sudden turn in my life without Jesus , how far I went and how desperate I was to come back . When I left the lord , I saw how important He was in my life and how I changed without him , I became a different person . It soon made me realise that I needed Him in my life because the person I was becoming , was not someone I wanted to be . My family has been such a support to me during the tough times in my life . My parents made such an effort to take care of me and be there for me when I needed them . My younger sisters are like my precious jewels , even though we fought in our youths , I look back now and see how much they went through and endured for me . I see them growing up and am amazed and blessed at how the lord has kept them and taken care of them . Coming from a divorced family , life got tough and I was left confused about love and marriage for a long time . There were obviously times of resentment towards my family , a form of hatred towards my parents and a constant annoyance with my sisters but it was nothing worse than the ordinary family . We all have our problems and issues in a family and even though my parents are divorced , we all had a special relationship and people still saw a close relationship amongst us when we were together . I would like to take you a few years back to where this all began , when I first met Christ . I am not sure of my exact age but I had not yet reached high school . My mother took myself and my younger siblings to church every Sunday and occasional evening meetings during the week . I can 't remember much from these meetings except the music was loud , yet wonderful and my mom would bring us lots of toys to play with while the pastor spoke for what seemed , hours on end . Then one sunny Sunday I heard him preach about being born again ; how important it is as a Christian . That you need to be born again to get into the kingdom of heaven . This replayed in my thoughts for weeks , until I grabbed the courage to ask my mom to speak to the pastor for me . The older I got , the harder things became as life tends to ruin itself for you . At the very beginning when my parents separated , I struggled accepting it because I was not expecting it . It was strange not having one of your parents around , I am sure some of you can relate ? My father came to visit us often , if not then every day we were lucky to see him , but it was still not the same . I started to pray to the Lord and ask him why this happened and that if he can kindly bring my dad back home again . It didn 't happen . Again , I struggled for I could not understand what was going on . Being young and full of faith , I prayed more for the Lord to restore my family and like every child , hoped they would get back together . Being in church as a youth can become boring because all it is is church - home , prayer meeting - home , weekly meeting - home , youth meeting - home , Saturday we got free and then Sunday it all starts again . It is a tough age to be faithful to the lord ; I remember that everything else looked so much more fun and interesting than the things and people of the church . I had opportunities to spend some time with the people of God but because spending time with my friends seemed more interesting , I started to drift away . When I was around fourteen years old , I met a boy . Yes this is where the rebellion all began ! He was a year older than me and knew a lot of people , ' cool people ' , in my eyes but to my parents they were all idiots . So I started to spend a lot of time with him and less time with the Lords people and slowly found myself wanting to leave the church . Of course I would go to church but my mind would be in the clouds , in love with this new boy of mine . ( Boys ; as a young person we have emotions flying around and it 's the hardest thing to stay faithful to the Lord for we give into our weakness in the flesh . Which is what I did , I loved the lord with all my heart and wanted to serve him but because I was unaware of the power of my flesh over me , I fell into a trap that led me astray . ) We often hear the saying , ' you need to find yourself ' so I tried doing that by finding things that I liked to do . One of those things was drinking with friends , it took up time and energy and it 's a way to meet people . When everyone is drunk they are more friendly and silly , I became the same for , in person I am shy and struggle meeting new people . But after having a few drinks , I am fun , loud , always running about , chatting and making the most of my evening . By fifteen or sixteen I had left the church completely and enjoyed my new life , I enjoyed partying with friends and spending time with my boyfriend ( a different one by that age ) . I hadn 't missed the church and argued with my mom every time she asked me to come . I was very stubborn towards my parents when it came to drinking and partying because I wanted one thing and they wanted another . My given curfews killed me and often argued for a later time but never got it , so I was looking forward to the day I was turning 18 so that I may do as I please and go where I please . School was tough for me , mostly because my close friend went to a different school . It was also difficult for me to make friends as I always felt different from the rest . So like all people , I tried blending in by doing what they were doing . It was the same for when I had a boyfriend ; I would hide under his identity and do what he did , speak the way he did , I even acted like him . I had completely lost my identity while trying to imitate everyone else 's just so that I can ' fit in ' . It 's a terrible place to be . So I thought hard about it and searched high and low . Soon after at the end of December 2009 , I left my waitressing job and started working as a swimming teacher in the beginning of 2010 . I loved my job because I was once a good swimmer , I enjoyed being in the water and in the sun and loved the little kids ( in the water only ! ) Having my own income felt awesome and being able to pay for my own fuel , food and drinks made me feel so grown up . I started hanging out with the older crowd and loved joining in the ' work ' conversations . I learned so much my first year leaving school . I remember doing the shopping for my mom and helping my dad at his work too , messing up , learning from my mistakes and trying again . I was so much happier out of school because I was not around anyone that made me feel insecure and I had no one with me that made me feel I should be anyone other than myself . I had two or three special friends and they were all I needed , for they knew me well and loved me as I was . So partying time with them was always a blast and our lazy days of watching movies or going out for lunch or spending the day at the house were also special memories . I freaked out because everything that I had been looking forward to since my partying days started crashed ! My father agreed and it finally clicked in my head that I could not have this freedom I had desired until I left home ! And Like every teenager I planned out this whole , ' leaving home ' scheme and wanted to go to England with my best friend and try creating a life for ourselves there . We thought long and hard about it and wanted this plan to succeed . I was full of rebellion and vowed to do as I pleased when I turned eighteen , regardless of what my parents would say . No matter how loud they shouted , I wanted to do what I want because I could . I remember counting down the days to my eighteenth , waiting patiently for the legal age and then , then I was going to rebel more than before ! I didn 't think of the struggle my little sisters would go through when I go through this , or the weight upon my parent 's shoulders trying to calm their daughter down and lead her in the right direction . I hated rules and being told what to do , especially by my parents . I can imagine how nervous my parents were the closer it was to my birthday , not that I blame them . I did throw hints that I was going to do as I pleased anyway , regardless what they said . ' It is my life ' - a statement I used towards my father often when he would tell me to slow down on the drinking or go home at a certain time … Now due to the fact that I had only a handful of friends , a private party would have been depressing . So we all planned to meet out and get drunk ! - Which we did . I left the house that night not giving my mother a time I was coming home , telling her it I will let her know a set curfew time later … ( I didn 't ) . we had partied there the year before and had an absolute blast , so this year my friend and I planned to stay at her father 's caravan ; which was based there , for the weekend . We brought food , drinks , cutlery , bedding and all the necessities for the weekend and we were on our way . We went first and my mother and sisters were following later to watch the fireworks . After we unpacked everything we grabbed what we needed and went onto my friends ' boat for a few hours , it was a wonderful sunny day so we caught as much sun tan as we could before it was too late , and we swam quickly before heading back to the caravan to get ready for the party . And as we were walking back , I saw a small group of boys that I knew , they were talking amongst themselves getting all hyped up about their conversation and one of them called me over to say hi . So I told my friend I would catch up with her later . When I got over there , everything they were jabbering and getting hyped about made sense . So I stayed to listen and discovered they were talking about this jump into the water that they had recently done . They were boasting about the height and the feeling you get coming down and the adrenaline rush afterwards . I now understood why they were in this state . It immediately caught my interest as I love these kinds of stunts , I have done many myself in the past ; I had no fear of heights and wanted to try many extreme sports in the years to come . I enjoyed listening to them talk about it , they were explaining how you should land and that if you left your arms spread out , it really hurts and how to climb up , the height they jumped from and the story went on . I found myself paying closer attention . My eyes widened in excitement . So I interrupted , ' can I join you next time ? ' , they all sat there in silence and starred ; then suddenly all of them responded at once , ' no you can 't do it you 're a girl , you 'll get scared and back out and … ' ' , it went on . It frustrated me for I didn 't like people limiting me because I 'm girl , so I managed to get them to let me try . And off we went ; we went to a small boat that could barely keep afloat and more than a handful of people got in . We all feared it would sink on the way there , that 's how bad the condition of the boat was . Now with all the commotion going on , the boys joking , laughing and making fools of each other , I didn 't watch where we were going . When we arrived I was stunned for I thought we were jumping off a cliff but it turned out to be the dam wall itself . The climb up was a bit of a struggle for we had to go up a small hill and around a huge gate that I needed assistance . When we got there , I looked over the balcony and thought , ' it 's not that high ' . But then I saw them climbing up a ladder to the top of the building ; so I followed . When we got to the top I saw them look out a small window that had been broken , so I took a peek and looked down and felt fear rush down my spine ! This was high ! ( There had been a draught recently , so the dam was half empty ) But I needed them to go first so that I can see it 's safe and off they went . It looked like fun and none of them were hurt , so it would be just fine for me . I was the last to go , they all stayed in the water and waited for me , cheering me on and trying to get me to jump , telling me it 's not that scary and I will be fine . I saw the boats driving around and heard people 's laughter from the camp area , I saw the trees dance with the wind and heard the birds sing a beautiful tune , I felt the fresh breeze touch my cheeks and I looked into the heavens to see clear blue sky . Before my eyes could explore some more , I heard my name being called from below and they were still there waiting for me to jump . A gut feeling in my stomach told me to back down , that this was not a good idea . But I hated the feeling of being scared or being defeated because I am a girl . I knew the persecutions to come if I didn 't do it . So I sat there , on the window ; debating with myself , whether to jump or not to jump . I didn 't know what to do , I didn 't know why I couldn 't get myself to let go and jump . I heard them shout again , ' don 't think about it , just jump ! ' my heart began to race and I felt hesitated . Unsure of what to do , I took another look at the view before forcing myself off that window . They tried lifting me up onto the boat , but I screamed for them to stop , I remember being held by someone , whom was holding on the boat and let my arms rest over his . I could hold onto nothing nor move any part of me . I heard the commotion going on around me , people panicking and trying to find a way to get me on the boat , they even tried moving the boat slowly towards the shore while one of them held me . But whatever they tried did nothing other than make me scream out in pain . After two attempts I told them to stop everything . I asked them to let me rest , for I was struggling to catch my breath … I took a deep breath and told myself to be strong for we needed to get out of here . We counted to three and they managed to get me on with as little cries of pain as possible . Finally we were on our way to shore … Now , for some reason , everyone decided that they wanted to be on the boat I was on for . Knowing that the boat cannot hold many people , I felt it sinking on our way back ! I looked down and saw my body begin to slowly ( but surely ) disappear under the water . I felt water creep into my ears and make its way to my eyes . I looked up to see if anyone was noticing but , they were all too busy dealing with whatever they were dealing with to notice anything else ! They were carrying me by my arms , leaving my feet just above ground level to touch the dirt tip toeing . As we were walking up a small hill to my friends caravan they started talking , ' don 't tell anyone what happened because we were not supposed to be there , just tell them you fell off a boat , or we 'll all be in trouble ' . I could understand the fear they had for it was not their fault this happened , so I agreed to everything they said , promising not to get them in trouble . People were in hysterics … The boys left me on the bed and got chased out by my friend so that she can change me , they managed to slip on my top and they covered the rest of me with a blanket because they could not put on any other article of clothing properly since I could not move at all . As she was helping me , she asked what happened and I began my lie ; ' I fell off a boat ' , but the look she gave me told me she knew I was lying , so I told her the truth . She was furious ! Then she opened the door when I was descent and people came rushing in and out , not knowing what to do . I asked where the boys I jumped with where and I heard that they had gone to jump again . One of them I never saw again that day , the others were in and out , only one or two stayed close to check on me . People were not handling this situation well , yes I 'm sure they didn 't know what to do but they were very careless around me . I remember girls coming in and jumping on my bed while trying to sit down . They were offering me pills that I didn 't recognize and asking if I wanted anything to drink but I had refused everything not trusting anyone . I kept repeating myself to those around me that I was fine and it wasn 't that serious , ( even though I was lying helplessly on the bed , unable to move ) I was freaked out at my condition . I would hate my family to see me like this . So when I saw her walk in , there was nowhere for me to run or hide , there was no act convincing enough to put on to fool her that I was well … I was stuck . She stood quietly while everyone carried about their business and I softly said , ' ' everything 's fine ' ' she smiled again and began chasing people out the room , my friend got frustrated being chased out , wondering why she had no right to be in the room since she is basically part of the family ! But she left anyways … She then said , ' I want to pray for you ' , when I heard those words , I immediately saw my state . A stubborn teenager , running from the son of God , claiming that I don 't need him and I can live my life fine on my own , now look at me ? Almost paralysed on a bed , being unable to move and unsure if I ever will be the same again . My sister opened the door and my friend came storming in demanding not to be chased out again and that she is part of the family and deserves the right to stay ! After we calmed her down , she later told us that a doctor is coming to check on me and joy came to my face once again . When the doctor arrived , he felt my back and placed his finger on my spine and pressed down , I yelled out and told him it was painful but he too was convinced it was only a muscle spasm ; so again , I tried to convince myself I was okay . Now , it was a matter of time that my mother was due to hear the news about me . Unfortunately what she heard , were rumors flying around that aggravated her and I saw her and my aunt marching over to me . I was being held up by two of my friends whom helped me go to the toilet . She grabbed me , placed me over her arm , my aunt the same with my other arm and they began marching back to their picnic area . I couldn 't get a word to her because she was walking too fast which increased the pain to the point of me throwing up , which convinced her the rumors were true , that I was drunk and broke my leg . I was taken to their picnic area which was of course , in the middle of where everyone was sitting so I was in view of a whole crowd of people . There were people everywhere and my mother was rushing from one end of the camp site to the other doing who knows what . Their picnic area was on a slope and I was in an extremely uncomfortable position , so luckily I had my little sister ( the youngest one ) who stayed and helped me by holding my legs to support my back The dirt road leaving Ncema is in terrible condition and though my mother drove slowly it still brought a lot of pain . I had no control of my body and my head was bobbing about left and right . I was lucky to have a close friend of mine who held it straight for me . I had a pillow to support my back but I could not find comfort for one second . I kept asking every few minutes , ' are we there yet ? ' . The pain was getting worse and worse , fear began to arise within me and I started to wonder if I was going to be okay . Finally after a long 40 minute drive , which felt like hours ; we reached the hospital . Now living where I was living the medical services are not too great , so the nurses were rough in handling me and it freaked out my mother . While getting x rays done , it felt like time slowed down and I was being tortured with pain while waiting for the news to see if I was going to be alright . When the nurse brought me through in my bed , I saw my family anxiously waiting for me , the pain in all their eyes was worse than the actual pain I was experiencing . Everyone kept asking me what happened and for some reason , I kept on lying to them ; telling them I fell off a boat and landed in the wrong position . Shortly after the doctor walked in with the x rays and hung them on the light box for all to see . He started to explain certain things and got us all very confused , by the time he had finished we all gazed at him wondering what was going to come out of his mouth next . So at the end we asked , My mother organised all that she could with the little time she had and prepared everything for us to leave . I confessed the truth to her , that I jumped off the dam wall and luckily medical aid was still going to cover my hospital bills . I had my accident Saturday afternoon and they flew me out Monday morning . When we got there I was taken to Milpark Hospital in Johannesburg , South Africa and straight into the emergency room for examination . My mother was left outside to wait for me . She had no national line , no one there for her and she had no idea where to go . When I was taken in the emergency room and saw the commotion that goes on in there , it over whelmed me and finally … I began to cry . It started to hit me that this is serious and it will not be over ' just like that ' . I knew that when I woke up the next day , it wouldn 't be a dream nor could I pretend it wasn 't that bad because I was now in another country in an emergency room . Those who worked there were very organised and looked like they knew what they were doing . This wasn 't something I was used to considering the hospitals back home . I 'm not too sure what happened after that . Everything from then seems to be a fading from my memory , but I do remember hearing news that my operation was going to occur the next day . How my mother sorted herself out I am not too sure . She did have contact with a friend by then . Who was there for her and she found a place to stay . It was near the hospital and they brought her to and from the hospital when she needed . My next memory starts when I was taken out of the operating theatre ; I woke up to the sound of my mom 's voice and saw her smiling face . I remember waking up in the middle of the night dying of thirst and crying out to the nurse for some water . Unfortunately , she couldn 't give it to me because apparently , you 're not supposed to eat or drink anything for a certain amount of hours after an operation . Again , I don 't remember much from that evening , but fighting with her was one thing I remember and looking at my imaginary watch to check the time I could have water was another thing I remember . Finally ; after fighting with her nearly all through the night , I got my water . I was in the ICU for five days and in the ward for another five days . My family could not make it to South Africa during this time because of school so only my mother was there with me . She was keeping in contact with every person we knew , updating them on my condition . I kept hearing all screams and cries of the other patients throughout the night . It was heart breaking hearing them in pain and no one can do anything about it . You 'd think the morphine would help me sleep , but I still got woken up . I struggled a lot when it came to doing the simplest things . Getting up from lying down , walking and staying in a sitting position . Even lifting my head at the time was impossible . They did get me walking the day after my operation . The joy that leaped in my soul when that happened gave me hope for the future . Though I could only take a few steps before losing my breath and having to lie down again , I still had hope . I could not walk for more than a few steps , even those few steps I needed assistance and sitting was the greatest challenge of all . The nurses tried every day to let me sit for a few minutes so that my lungs can get used to my body in an upright position but after a few seconds , I would lose my breathe and became very tired . Often I cried out to them to let me lay down again because I was not coping . Morphine is known to be addictive because it works so wonderfully . I loved morphine and wanted it more and more through the day . ( I wasn 't on it for long , only a few days ) It took the pain away and relaxed my body . It made me feel light headed and I could slowly feel the pain fade away as the morphine made its way through my arms , down my back and to my feet . I could feel the pain fading and my eyes would slowly close and minutes later , I would be fast asleep in peace . I remember very well the day the doctor told me I was well enough to be taken off morphine and put on a slightly lighter drug , it broke my heart . I 'm not sure how long I was on morphine for but , I would often find myself manipulating the nurse to give me a little more of it . I would tell her that this other drug ( probably Pethadine ) wasn 't working and that it 's okay if she gave me a little bit of morphine . After five restless days in the ICU I was finally able to get out and moved to a ward . All the injections that were everywhere were finally being taken out , I was filled with joy . The drip came off first , then another one that was behind my back that took out blood from my operation and a few that were on my tummy and other places on my body and the last one was this tube that was in my lungs . It was more painful having it taken out than put in for the skin had healed around the tube and the only way to take it out was by force . I was told to hold my breath and keep still ( not like I could move anyways , there was also a woman holding me down ) . Having that tube in for this long was painful for I often had cramps and felt very uncomfortable . So I was happy to have it taken out . When the nurse had pulled the chest tube out , it felt like he had taken parts of my ribs with him and tore another hole in my lung , I wanted to scream out in pain . By the end of that awful experience , I looked down at my body and felt normal again for I was free of all the tubes and injections that were almost covering my whole body . Tears of joy made their way down my cheeks as I repeatedly thanked the nurse for taking my chest tube out . For now I could finally breathe properly without pain and take deep breaths without cramping up . As I was taken to the ward , I passed many other rooms to get to mine . I saw the conditions of others that were there which brought sadness as I was not the only one experiencing what I was . There were many others that were in pain and suffering . We entered my room and I saw I had a roommate ; this would be my first time sharing a room with someone . They settled me down and explained how to use the bed ( how to use the remote to move it up or down according to my comfort ) . They also showed me where the button was to call the nurses when I needed them . Let 's not forget the most important one , how to use the television . ( This was a small one hanging from the ceiling ) … ( Better than nothing ! ) When the nurses finally left , I heard a little voice from across the room say ; ' hello ' and I looked and saw a beautiful smile on the face of my new roommate . I was so happy I had company … She introduced herself and told me her name is Gertrude . Neither of us could walk so we spoke from across the room and she asked me about my life and how I ended up where I was . After I had shared my side of the story I soon got discover hers and my heart dropped … Her head is bigger than the rest of her body and she is too weak to hold it up on her own . ( Her head is not abnormally big ; she was just really small and weak as to her muscle disease ) . She cannot walk alone because her legs cannot hold her body and she couldn 't feed herself either . I remember seeing her precious face staring at the television and switching to different channels . Her eyes would be wide awake and her mouth often left a little open looking very excited at any television show she was watching . Every day she would always make conversations with me , with the smallest things she would ask questions about them . She always had a smile on her face and was polite to all the nurses . Each night when the lights were turned off and we were tucked in bed , she would start to talk to me and bring up any random story to start a conversation . If I had practiced walking that day she would tell me how proud she was of me and how she wished she could walk . If she had watched a movie that she didn 't understand or really enjoyed , she would share it with me or tell me her favourite parts of the movie she liked . Some nights we would chat for a long time as we both couldn 't sleep and some nights we 'd fall asleep while talking and I soon fell in love with her as a person and just enjoyed having her company . She was awaiting an operation that had been delayed several times and she spoke about her fears for this operation , not wanting to go through more pain and this brought sadness to my heart . I often tried to ease her fears by telling her the operation won 't be that bad and that the pain won 't last forever and to look to the bright side of things . I even told her about the wonderful feeling morphine gives . ( Not sure if that was very wise , but she giggled to that comment . ) You know , its incredible how we under estimate our body and how important each part of it is . Everyday routines became a struggle for me and I started to realise how your body works and how it reacts when one part of it is hurt . For example , getting up from lying down was impossible for me and I needed people to help me up . Standing from a sitting position took a long time , for I had to use the right muscles or my back would go into spasm . Turning on my side from lying on my back was another challenge because if I made one wrong move or tried too hard or took too long , my muscles would go into spasm . Walking was fascinating for I felt different muscles in my back move with every step I took and I was amazed at how many muscles are at work with one simple step . I had to be careful when going to the toilet because I had to use the right leg muscles to sit down and up again , brushing my teeth was hard because of the movements you make with your arms and I also couldn 't bend over to spit in the sink . Climbing up the stairs was also another challenge that tired me out a lot . From bathing to simply sitting , to carrying things ( light things ) , to not picking something up after dropping it because I was unable to bend over . One morning I woke up and looked around the room and soon discovered Gertrude was not there . I went into an immediate panic and began pressing the ' buzzer ' over and over again to call the nurses . Thinking something bad had happened , I was relieved to discover that she had had her operation and will be back later that day … Whew ! A few days after her operation I was blessed to see her stand for the first time and it was then that I realised the seriousness of her condition . I needed one person to hold my hand to walk and I was getting better by the day and able to walk a few times on my own . But Gertrude needed both nurses to hold her and to hold her well for her entire body weight rested upon them . Even then , I saw the struggle it was for her and by her second step she was exhausted and needed to lie down . I still praised her that day , congratulating her for having the courage to walk and for being able to , even though it was just a step . ( She had never tried walking before because she was always told she couldn 't ) . When I first got to the ward I politely asked for as little medication as possible as I hate taking pills but I soon discovered I could not function without them . The first few nights were restless as I was very uncomfortable sleeping in the same position and it was hard changing positions all the time . So I had to pick one that I had to stick with . The doctor wanted to keep me in longer I had bet that I was going to get out a few days earlier than he assumed , as long as I promised to walk three times a day and do my exercise given me by the physiotherapist . And so we did , my mother and I walked around the hospital ward everyday as often as we could . She and I had a wonderful time together during these days because she had no work nor friends with her and neither did I . My mom and I stood out like two sore thumbs in that hospital because all we did was laugh and joke and make as much noise as we could . When it was resting time , we shared the earphones and watched a movie together . When it was lunch time , we 'd share our foods . Well , actually we swapped because by then I disliked the hospital food . When we were walking , I 'd often make jokes and comments that made my mother burst out laughing and I had to lean against a wall to laugh because my back would hurt . Even though all this was happening , there was such a peace in my heart during this time . I knew that I was going to be okay . My daily prayer started by thanking the lord for saving me from that awful day and it then went to expressing my gratitude for this peace in my heart and assurance that I was going to be well again . Unfortunately , I could not pray any further than that . Even though I was open to hearing about Jesus and allowed people to pray for me , something deep inside me told me that this won 't last . I wish I could express these moments in more detail but it 's pretty simple ; I didn 't want to serve Jesus even though He saved me . I still wanted more of my life , more of discovering myself and being with my boyfriend . I had no time for Jesus because I wasn 't ready to give anything up for Him . Harsh no ? But it was true . I saw how many things were restored during this time , my mother and I became closer and I appreciated her more than before and developed a respect for her , which should have been there from the very beginning . Four days had passed and I saw the doctor doing his daily checkups , I prepared a big smile for him when he walked in and tried a bit of puppy dog eyes hoping to be let out . My smile turned to squeals of joy when I heard I was able to go home the next day . I nodded my head to everything the doctor had said and promised to do everything he was telling me to do ( not that I was really listening anyways ) . I was still getting my daily stomach injections to prevent my blood from clotting and I heard him tell a nurse to prepare some for me to take home and continue them there ! I immediately refused and promised to walk a hundred times a day if I had to just so that I could stop taking those injections because they were painful . After much convincing , we didn 't have to take any injections home . ( Yippee ) Saying my goodbyes to Gertrude was hard , for I could not bend over to hug her nor could she stand to hug me , so holding her hand wishing her well was all that I could do . Unfortunately , home was not back in Bulawayo but I had to remain in South Africa for another three weeks as we wait for my lung to heal completely , then it would be safe for me to fly home . Not that I had a problem with that , as long as I got home cooked meals and bathed in private , I was happy . The shock that hit their face when they saw me was priceless . Now , due to my operation I had lost more than ten kilograms . For my mother , she didn 't notice it because she saw me every day . For me , I got a bit of a fright when I first looked in the mirror when I was in hospital because I had seen the difference in my face but I wasn 't aware of how much I had lost . But for my dad and sisters they have see me less than two weeks later and see a ten kilogram difference and it took them forever to get used to . I also still hadn 't gone to the toilet properly , so my stomach was bloated and I often teased my dad about it , comparing my tummy to his . His only words for the next few days were , ' is it normal that she 's this thin ? ' , ' she 's too skinny ' and it went on . I saw the concerned look on his face and kept reminding him that this is just my body 's way of reacting to the operation . It 's not like I wasn 't eating , I was but I had just been through a painful operation and thus was the result of it . There was nothing I could do about it . My whole teenage life , all I wanted was to be independent and tried to do so from a young age . I wanted to do everything myself and never wanted help from anyone . But now , I was much smaller , very weak and practically unable to do anything without assistance and that 's when my family got their opportunity to express the full extent of their love for me . My father came walking with me every morning and would offer me food all the time . He helped me sit from lying down and would always get nervous in doing so . My sisters helped me change countless times , they too helped me sit from lying down and carried , picked up and took anything I was unable to . My mom helped with changing me , shaving my legs , serving my food , helping me up from lying down and nagging me every few minutes to my exercise . I only ever enjoyed doing them when my whole family joined in . This was a tough challenge for me . It was not easy to watch my parents go through this situation ; it was not easy being the eldest of my two sisters but needing them to change me and do as much as they did for me . But in this all , I developed a closer and deeper relationship with each member of my family that I hadn 't had before . Even writing about it is hard ; it brings back so many memories … The doctor had told us that I needed to be massaged twice a day to prevent my muscles from becoming too stiff otherwise they would go into spasm . Again , a tough challenge because after all that my mother would do for me throughout the day , having her massage my back killed me inside . I knew it was nothing for her and that it was a joy to help me the way she was , but it still hurt . A lot . When we left the hospital I wanted to stop the pain killers and the sleeping tablets but , with the pain I was experiencing convinced me to carry them on . I had to take about two pain killers three times a day and a sleeping tablet every night . When I didn 't take a sleeping tablet , I wouldn 't sleep from discomfort and pain and my nights then felt endless and frustrating . So I learnt my lesson . Staying in South Africa that whole month was tough because when my family left , there was nothing for me to do . It was just me and my mother and I soon got very bored and demotivated to do any exercise . We were staying with a relative there whom took wonderful care of my family and I and she too often nagged me to do my exercise and shouted at me every time she saw me lying down . The day has arrived , we were going to see the doctor and find out how I was doing and get as much information from him as possible concerning what I can and cannot do . I remember being so nervous on our way there , not knowing what to expect … The beginning of the meeting with the doctor was the usual , explaining my operation and what he did etc , then we asked him about my loss of weight and if it was normal and why . His reply brought peace because he told us it was normal as it was a painful operation and the body reacts in this way . We then asked him about what I was able to do and if I was able to live a normal life . He made it clear that I would not be the same as before and that from now onwards I am to live in caution , which was sad to hear because I wanted to try many extreme sports later in the years . Now , all I was allowed to do is , walk , swim , light exercise like Pilates or yoga , so I looked at him and thought , ' great I 'm going to be like an old lady ! ' ( No offense to anyone who considers themselves old : p ) We then went onto the things I am not allowed to do and they are ; running , gym ( weights etc ) , do extreme sports ( tubing , sky diving , bungee jumping , skiing , diving or surfing and basically anything and everything that I consider ' fun ' in my book ) . I was not to lift anything heavier than ten kg 's and I had to be careful not to make the wrong movements when I do pick something up and not to be foolish with friends , to run and jump to hug them and I had to be careful in general so that I do not fall or become clumsy with my footing , for all these could cause more damage . The time had come for me to go back home . I was so excited and nervous at the same time , I was not sure how people were going to react to me after everything that happened . I remember being very happy when I got to see my friends and boyfriend . I was able to visit my boss that I worked for before my accident and informed her that I was well . I remember when I came here , I didn 't feel judged … I came to church a few times after that but it wasn 't long before I preferred sitting at home , because my back was not coping with the outing but also because I didn 't really want to . I spent more time with my friends whom I partied with than the people of God . As my recovery came about and I became stronger , it wasn 't long before I was out and about partying . When I had started drinking again , I remembered the warning I got from the doctor to be careful of alcohol because I would get drunk very quickly . I had to be careful of getting drunk because my body will be weak and I might make wrong movements and injure myself . It still didn 't stop me … The first few months of me coming home I spent most of it with my boyfriend at the time and he continued to take care of me . He always made sure I was okay and helped me with a lot of the things I was unable to do . When he left two months later I was devastated to end our year long relationship , for at the time , he was my everything and my happiness depended only on him . When he left my happiness left with him , so I had to find something else to make me happy . I went back to drinking and partying , a little bit more than before . Only this time … I wasn 't in battle with my family anymore because of the relationship I developed with them . This time , I told them where I was going and often partied at my father 's pub and spent time with him there ; I drank a lot more so that my body can go back to getting used to alcohol because I was tired of getting tipsy after one drink ( everyone found that fairly amusing ) . It wasn 't long after my break up with my last boyfriend that I found myself in another relationship ( story of my life ) . This one was a very interesting relationship , we were two very stubborn people with strong characters that often clashed . I loved him very much but we were too similar in character and we would often fight over the smallest of things ( I laugh now that I think about it ) . He was one of those naughty boys that were always out and about , he was like ' THE social butterfly ' . He was always up to mischief and always had a mission to accomplish . Soon after we started dating , all these traits rubbed off on me and I think it freaked him out a little 🙂 With this relationship I was introduced to what I 've heard , ' an emotional relationship ' and … It drained me out , a lot ! When he was in a bad mood , he would put me in a bad mood and I started doing the same to him , whereas normally I would ignore someone in a bad mood … or tease them ( which I would do to the poor guy all the time ) . So I would be having a good day or he would be having a good day but because the other was not happy we would throw the mood out on one another and it would ruin our day . Now , please don 't think that my life with this boy was a complete misery , when we were not fighting we got along very well . He always knew how to make me laugh and we would always play around and act like a bunch of kids , which used to drive my poor mother insane . He was often at my house and practically lived there during the day ; he made himself very much at home . Although our characters clashed and sometimes brought out the worst in one another , our personalities would bring out the best in one another . He wouldn 't trust anyone I spoke to . He was always stressed out , about everything , which in turn stressed me out . This carried on for four months and my family and friends had seen a big difference in me during that time because I was no longer the same person . … but no matter how hard things got , I couldn 't bring myself to break up with him . This had carried on for roughly four months , ( we had known each other for a long time before this ) and the time had come for my family and I to go on our annual holiday to Cyprus to visit all our Cypriot relatives . For some reason my boyfriend felt extremely uncomfortable at this thought and continually asked me , ' you 're coming back right ? ' and of course my answer would be ' yes ' but there was still something bothering him . Before the end of our Cyprus holiday ( 3 days before ) , my mother approached me and asked if I would like to stay and work here until August when they return . At first I said no because I knew this would freak my boyfriend out but then I thought again and wondered what life here would be like . So I told her I would only stay if they can find me a job before the holiday is over . I was living with my grandparents at the time and the only information I was giving them was , ' I 'm going to my friends for the weekend , see you Sunday or Monday ' . My aunt was also taking care of me but she wasn 't over protective and didn 't mind me going here and there . I was loving life . I wouldn 't spend time with them nor give them polite answers when they asked me where I was going . I started smoking in front of them and expected them to accept it . I told them if I was drunk the night before and didn 't mind drinking in front of them . I simply made it clear that ' it 's my life now ' and they cannot stop it . ( I know , I know I also think I was a spoilt cow ) . But after a while my family couldn 't take it anymore , my mom sat me down and shared with me that they are not here to stop me from living my life but to simply live it with me and to enjoy me . They were all happy for me , that I had settled down so well and that I made friends , they just wanted to be a part of it . I suddenly realised they were not the bad guys after all … It was me . That day I got my act together . For the rest of the holiday , things changed and I became more open and free with them . I was honest and showed some respect , I opened my life to them and let them be a part of it . I loved the time I had with my dad and we 'd often trade ideas about new pub designs or promotions ( he owned two pubs at the time ) and I finally started to act like a daughter , even asking them if I could go away for the weekend or telling them where I was going out and who with . Sadly time flies when you 're having fun and their time with me was coming to an end . Towards the end of their holiday I was asked if I would like to come back with them … Bad decision ! The rest of my time in Cyprus I could not find a job and partied more than ever before because there was nothing else to do . I was not in a good place because I would wake up to no plan for the day and lay restless in bed all night , trying to think of what I was going to do the next day . I went back to getting drunk often and being foolish , hanging out with the wrong crowd and just plain getting worse . I can give him credit , he is a charmer , a very good one . Somehow in all this ' friendshipness ' we agreed on it turned into a ' secret dating ' that no one knew about , not my family nor my friends . In a way I loved it because when we were out I was free to do as I pleased and I could shout at him when he tried to intervene because we were apparently not dating . It wasn 't long before the secret got out and before I got a mouth full from my family and friends about our relationship and things fell right back to where they were . Drinking became a habit to take up time . I no longer enjoyed my own company because I was too unsettled within me . Partying was a common as waking up to me , it wasn 't fun . Spending time with my family was enjoyable but there was still unhappiness in my life and I didn 't know how to get rid of it . I tried spending time at home watching movies and having my boyfriend spend time with my family and I , but I still felt the same . I remember one day I was extremely bored and the most interesting thing to do is search my bedroom because in it are so many hidden treasures that I always find . This particular day , I found my bible covered in dust under my desk , on the floor hiding in the corner and I giggled while taking it out . I picked it up and wiped the dust off the pink cover and opened it , as I was about to read my friend walked in telling me I was late for our outing , so I left my bible on the table and left . Another day came where I found myself with nothing to do and my bible caught my eye again , I picked it up and wondered if I should open it . I was just going to read it quickly and then I can carry on with my day , so I left it on my bed and went to shower first . When I finished I walked into my room and shut the door as I was approaching my bed my boyfriend surprised me and we ended up going on a romantic walk together , when I came home that night , I was so tired that I put my bible back on the table and went to sleep . Life carried on as usual , the same routines continued and I still searched for some form of happiness to fill my life . I visited a few people from the church with my mom to talk about where I wanted to go and after a while , my decision was final . I was to go be with my aunt for three months and then go to Cyprus afterwards . One night I had come home the next day from partying and my mother had just woken up , she and I sat down outside together having our morning smoke and she simply shared her fears with my relationship with this boy . She spoke with such gentleness and kindness that it brought relief to my soul and I felt like someone was on my side for once . There was no more fighting with my mom about him , no more arguments or any tension from her just plain love and concern for her daughter . Not that I blame him because over the last few days we hadn 't fought much . So this break up was coming out of nowhere for him . I had to stick to my decision . He came to the house a few hours later but we refused to let him in , my sister ( the middle one ) went outside and tried to address him kindly to give me time . Before my ex left to South Africa we met up once more to set things right and we wished each other well as we go our separate ways . Since then , we have not argued , we no longer have tension and no drama has developed now that we are not together . He has created a life for himself where he is and has achieved so much so far , which I know he wouldn 't have done this well if we were still together because we always held each other back . Living in Zimbabwe , we were privileged to have maid and a mother whom cooked , cleaned and did the washing for us . My only responsibility was , putting my plate in the sink ( which I rarely did ) . So when I came here , I was hit by a wave of reality . You can clean it spotless but the second you leave and return , there is something else to be done ( I still don 't understand this ! ) and this freaked me out . My second adventure was sharing a room , bad enough I was not used to sharing a room , turns out ; I had to share my bed with someone I hardly knew . This was a nightmare ! I was foolish enough to think that it was going to be done for me . I would watch everyone 's washing being done and wonder why mine were still in a heap , on the floor in the corner of my room . They sat there for a long time before I got the courage to ask if they can be washed . I was then pointed in the direction of the washing machine and later asked if they can fit their clothes in too . When I was younger I got attacked by a dog and still have the scars of his bite marks . I was taken to hospital after the attack and had a nurse come visit my home every day for three weeks to clean my wound . Ever since that day , I have had a fear of dogs that I cannot seem to overcome . Not many people take it seriously and they think I am playing around when I react when a dog is near me . I had been on this island for well over a month and in that month , I had spend two weeks of it with one of my aunts friend and then moved to another close friend of hers . Thankfully they only had one dog but , they had six people staying with them and my adventures started all over again . ( in case you 're wondering , my aunt was too busy to have me with her at her house and thought it was best I live in the company of her crazy friends . ) My new home was a different kind of adventure and it was tough in the beginning but it turned out to be the best place for me to stay . I would watch the way everyone lived , I watched how they lived with one another and it started a work in my heart . I looked at all these people individually and noticed that they are so different from one another yet , they got a long so well . There was a unity among them that I hadn 't seen before . Other than their different personalities , nationalities , routines , they were all somehow a team and a great one of that . I loved watching them live ; it was something about this family that touched my heart . Joy was constantly poured out of all of them , if one was stressed , the others supported , if one was joyful , they all rejoiced along with him / her . Although it was overwhelming living with so many people around me , something told me this was going to be a very special stay . I had been living there well over a month now and started to wonder why nothing 's changed about me . My life had changed , for I was no longer drinking or smoking , I had no boyfriend and I was not glued to the television like before . But inside , I still hadn 't changed and I didn 't know how to do that . Everyone around me was different to me ; there was something about them that I wanted . They had something that I didn 't have and I wasn 't sure how to get it . I may have had a few things in common with some people , but there was still something different . I wanted to change and I thought that coming here would do that , but in fact all it did was , change my life . I was still the same . I lived a good life though , I volunteered at the church during the day , went to home meetings during the week , and went to church on Sundays . I washed dishes occasionally , made my bed every day and read my bible from time to time but I was still the same . Praise and worship began and I stood watching the lyrics on the big screen , trying to sing the song without mixing up the words . My stomach had butterflies and my eyes were wide with curiosity . I clapped my hands and watched everyone else around me , waiting for something to happen . After a while , I saw nothing happened in me and a huge weight of sadness came over me . I sat down like a little girl who has just been let down by her parent and shrugged my shoulders thinking , ' what was I so excited about ? ' And then I saw an old chubby man walk on the stage . Tears made their way down my cheeks and for the first time I didn 't try hold them back . My heart was still racing and the adrenaline felt like it leaped to my soul lifting it high . I soon felt someone touch me and begin to pray , I then heard someone else close to me speak , translating what was being prayed . To this day I cannot remember a word that was said , I do not know who translated for me but I do remember what happened . Finally … I felt something change and that was me ! When they finished praying the tears never stopped , it felt like each tear that went down my cheek was a burden that was being taken away . Each tear that dropped down the floor were bad memories of the past that were being taken away . A weight , a huge weight that was sitting on my heart for many , many years , I felt it lift off of me and I was finally free . Something happened in me and it set me free . Jesus touched my heart . Since that faithful day , I have never been the same . Never ! Every day I found myself glued to the bible , reading every single word and reading all the time ( and I 'm the kind of person who hates reading ! ) . Suddenly , I was always smiling , I was gentle , I stopped swearing , I stopped complaining ( well … not completely 😉 ) , I started to love those around me more and appreciate them for the role they played in this house . I learned from them and the way they lived . I asked them what they knew about the bible , I asked questions , countless questions about the life of Christ , what he did , where he went , details about certain situations in Jesus ' life . It was endless . There were times where I would feel tears fill my eyes in hearing what I heard about certain parts of the life of Christ . There were times where I would not go to the prayer meeting to finish reading a chapter I was on and would find tears of joy while reading this chapter . I prayed to the lord , not knowing what to say but mostly thanking him again and again for bringing me back home . When I went home my family saw the joy of the Lord in me and they rejoiced with me . My sisters felt the love of the lord at work in my life because for the first time I had humbly apologised for all the rubbish and struggle I put them through in the past . It was incredible how the lord had restored our relationship and gave me grace to repent to my loved ones that I hurt . I know for a fact that this would never have happened if it weren 't for the help of the lord because I was not the kind of person to apologise for anything ! Due to my back condition I was physically unable to play most of the games and felt like a ' party pooper ' , the energy I once had was no more and the fun I used to have with my close friend while playing these games couldn 't happen anymore either . It was tough , watching others run around and enjoy themselves , while I sat and waited for them to finish . It felt like I was not really a part of the team as I did nothing to be a good team member and I really started to seek the lord for help . By the end of the camp , many things had taken place and we all truly enjoyed ourselves . It was nice to do something different and be out of your comfort zone every now and again . I learnt so much by the end of this camp and regretted nothing of it . I worked as a swimming teacher and had many funny experiences trying to explain to the kids in English what they must do when they only understand French ! Even with the language barrier I developed a wonderful relationship with these kids and loved them to bits . Their parents were lovely people and they loved the way I worked with their children . Some days I would travel to another town , just forty five minutes away ( by car ) and teach swimming there for a few hours . The life style in this town was completely different to the town I was living in and it was extremely hot too . I managed to catch a nice tan and enjoy the beautiful scenery each time I was there . Although things were well with work , settling down to living here was tough because things are completely different to the way they are at home . I now had no car and had to accept taking the bus everywhere . I had to learn to budget my money and spend it wisely . I had to become a member of the house I was staying at , instead of just a visitor , by being involved in the activities that took place in the home and start building relationships with the people I lived with . I have learnt so much when I started to live for Christ . Not live as in do the right thing but to live my life with Him in my heart directing my steps . Living this life doesn 't make me a better person ; it gives me a better reason to being a better person . Living this life doesn 't mean I 'm going to be perfect , but I 'm aiming that way because the one who lives in me is perfect . The lord has expressed his love and grace for me and also asks that I have that same love and grace for His people . The lord shows me the way and guides my footsteps . Sometimes I find my own way and tell my feet to turn the other direction , when I reach a dead end , I look up and see the hand of the lord waiting to lead me to where I should be . I 've learnt that being a Christian isn 't about doing good things . Doing good things doesn 't make you a good person but the key is Christ himself . If we throw all cards on the table and look at our lives and thoughts , I can see a good change that I can do in my life but I cannot see me changing my heart . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Well , the grand daughter got a cute little Brothers sewing machine for Christmas and she and I went out to the fabric store and bought her some sewing supplies . We also picked some fabrics to make a pillowcase for her bed . I plan to use the hot dog method so it will be neat at the fabric change and a french seam for the other seams . Her bedroom is pink and green and those are the colors she picked for this project . I picked out some scissors and pins plus found a cute purple tomato pin cushion . Once she learns how to use the machine she will be able to make some pillow cases and maybe more . So tonight while her parents are out having baby pictures made , she is watching a movie , and I am playing with the machine . I want to be sure of what I am doing when we get started . She tends to not listen when you try and tell her stuff . LOL I am pretty excited that when I got things all opened up and set up I found a DVD with instructions on how to wind a bobbin , thread the machine and make a button home . There are even some video instructions for putting in a zipper foot and making a satin stitch . Very nice for them to have after I am gone . I am looking forward to my husband getting here tomorrow night . He will be here for a few days , then we will go home on Tue . or Wed . I am not sure what day we leave . I have a feeling I will cry most of the way home . Leaving my sweet daughter and my beautiful new grandson here so far a way will be hard . Do you want to learn or improve your free - motion quilting skills , using your home sewing machine ? If you do , consider taking the pledge for the 2012 Free Motion Quilting Challenge . Similar to a block of the month , every month one of 12 FMQ Experts will share a tutorial for you . While you can do these exercises anytime , if you complete them in the month that they are released , and share them in the challenge , you 'll be entered to win a monthly prize . Complete all 12 tutorials , anytime during the year , enter them , and you 'll be eligible to win various Grand Prizes . The previous paragraph is from Insights from SewCalGal blog . I want to be a better quilter as those of you who have been following my blog for any length of time will know , so when I found this on pinterest I decided it was a good thing to do . Who can 't benefit from learning something new or improving on something they have learned and done for a long time . I hope that if any of you would like to join me in this , you will let the button I have added on my sight take you to her post and , consider putting the button on your blog too . Talk about a run on sentence . . . Got to get better with that too . LOL I am still in Tennessee with my daughter and her family and this has been a rewarding experience to say the least . Who knew your heart could expand to make room for this much love . Well , mine has , for this sweet little boy I get to call my grandson . We take a picture every day and send it back to Texas for the family there so they can see our precious baby grow . I use my cell phone as often as the real camera , so I can text them home . I have not up loaded from the camera in a few days so I don 't really have a new on to show you today . I know I will slow down on showing my grandsons pictures , but right now he is so new I just can 't help myself . When I am back home I will have quilt stuff to show again . So until I have a chance to write again , Yall have a very quilty Christmas . Well , it has been a long , short week . Our little man got here at 12 : 27 AM Tue Dec . 13 , 2011 . We are so proud of him and he is so adorable . He had some trouble with his breathing and they put him in the hospital for observation and to give him some liquids and antibiotics . We had to visit him only one or two at a time , and my daughter had to take her sister in . I was not able to take her with me . Today they did another x - ray and ran some tests again . He is better now and they released him . We got home about 3 : 30 this afternoon , and now we are all learning to have a baby . Because of his being sick they put off his circumcision until today and he is not happy when he gets his diaper changed . We are all learning when he needs to eat and how much . Sadly he has gotten used to the bottle and falls asleep when he nurses , and then wants more in a short time . I will be here for a while and I will add pictures as I go . I obviously won 't be doing much quilting here . So until I am back yall have a very quilty weekend . I have been so worried that I would not have any money while I was in TN . with my daughter , and yea ! ! ! my husband helped . Mon . he came home and asked me for one of my left over items from the craft show stuff , for a friend he works with , birthday . So I got the stuff out and we went through it and he looked , ( shopping lol ) to see what was there . He got kind of excited when he saw some of the stuff I made , and asked me if he could take some to work the next day . I was happy to let him take the stuff since it didn 't sell and I don 't have a show coming up for a long time . He sold all but one of the things he took , and now I have some money to use while I am traveling . My week has been so busy and I have worked so hard to get the quilts finished , before I leave . Sadly I did not get that done . Needless to say I will get on that as soon as I get back home , and get them to her before the end of Jan . Then I get to make my grandson a quilt too . I have all the fabric , for it I just haven 't had time , with the parents , therapy , and working to get these other quilts finished . I just went to the weather channel site and checked out what the weather is like at my daughters . We have had some pretty cold weather this week , but looks like that is what I will be living in up there . I am just praying it won 't be snowing or bad weather for my daughter and I driving from Atlanta , to TN . Well , I leave in less than five days for my extended stay in Tennessee , with my youngest daughter . I believe she is to be induced on the 12th of Dec . , and if she is like I am , she will have a son in about two hours or less after they give her the medications . She may not be , but we are built a lot alike , so I hope for her sake that it will go fast . I have heard those horror stories about 30 hours of labor and more . I can 't even conceive of that , since I had almost all of my children in less than 5 hours . The older two were the longest , and I did not have any inducing drugs with either one of them . I don 't remember much about the oldest , but with the second one I realized I was in labor at some time after 11PM and she was born at 2AM . The last two I had to be induced , and they were here within 2 hours of the medication being given to me . Well , I spent yesterday working on the things I want and need to make for gifts , before I leave . I don 't like to work on Sun . , but these things are gifts so I made the exception this time . I made to cutest burp cloths , and I made a cradle mattress for the gift my husband made for our friend . I also made sheets for hers and for our daughters too . I upholstered the mattress and got the fabric ready for my daughters . My husband I decided it was not feasible for me to take one with me so I will complete it after I get there . I just wish I had gotten the quilt finished , but lets be honest I didn 't even get it started . It will be the first thing I do when I get back home and then I will get it in the mail to her . I am worried I may go crazy without a sewing machine for such a long time . I guess I will be pretty busy with the baby , the house and cooking for the family . I hope I get back to you before I leave , but if not I will write some time next week when I have a min . Until them please have a very quilty week . PS Well , I had pictures to show you , however I have lost them , and I can 't seem to get them back . I loaded them on the computer and now they are gone , I have looked everywhere and ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? I will take pictures again and maybe not lose them . LOL I was just reading another blog and she posted her quilting bucket list . She asked others to post theirs , and I got to thinking about it . I do have one , I just don 't know if I have it in a numerical order . I surely don 't have it written down , so rather than leave it on her blog I will place it here . If I post a bucket list I will be able to find it later when I have time that is not being used up with trying to make income . I have faith that time will come , I just have to be patient and consistent . 9 . Quilt for each of my grand children ( 2 out of 4 made ) Let me note the photo is from a google search and I do not know who the maker is , her / his name was not listed . This list could go on for a page or more , but I will stop with these , and revisit it some time in the future . Well , here are some of the photos , I have been promising to show you . There are the Las Vegas pic . s of the sharks in the tank , in the pool at the Golden Nugget , The Venetian , and some of the the lovely things in the lobby , I guess it is the lobby . Some of the things I made for my little craft show the day I returned . I hope you enjoy them . See the swimming pool in the back ground , as well as the fore ground ? The tube is a slide you can go down that empties into the pool . The Gondolas at the Venetian , the drivers sing opera while they go through the building , which is a shopping mall . The sound is amazing for all . This is just one of the lovely fall decorations at the bottom of the a water fall in the same building as the Gondolas . The sky light over the water fall in the previous photo . Switch to the craft show . The Boots were a big hit , and I sold several of them , there are some other ornaments left from last year . The purse the size of a gift card , and the chanielle shoe , and trees . I spelled it wrong I can 't remember how it is spelled . Sorry ! ! Spell check is not helping . Just a little closer picture of two of the boots . You have seen these before in different fabrics , but I have to tell you the Next one is a Long horn and I sold every one of them . I might have sold more if I had made more . I have a few Aggie ones left over , however they did sell . The Texas rivalry football teams , that play on Thanksgiving Day . Well , they have for over 100 years . Maybe not after this year , since the Aggies have left the conference . Hook ' em Horns ! ! I just thought you might like to see the back side as well . This is my boxy bag , and I only made one of each team and they both sold . This one had actually sold already when I took this picture . As you can see there were other vendors across the way . So , until I am further along with the quilts I am working on I will wish you all a very quilty week . Tennye Well , as I write this the leftovers from Thanksgiving are in the oven heating for our lunch . We have avoided them most of the weekend and today is the day . Tomorrow we will have stew made from the pot roast we made for Sunday lunch tomorrow . When I think of left overs I think of the quilts that I seem to be making the most these days . Quilts made from the clothing left behind when a loved one has passed from this life . A form of left overs in the closet . The idea is sweet , to think they will have a quilt that will wrap them in the clothing they have such fond memories of . The feeling like they are wrapped in that parent or grandparents arms . The last two weeks I have been doing mostly prep work with the t - shirts that I am using for these two quilts . I have other clothing and robes that will be a part of the quilts . I truly hope that I will be finished with them by the end of the week as I have two baby quilts and a diaper bag to get made before I leave for my daughters . The cradle my husband made for our friend needs a mattress and sheets and so does my daughter for the one she slept in when she was a baby . I have the fabric and could possibly do some of the work while I was there , except my daughter has not got a sewing machine . I am not fast enough with hand sewing and quilting to get enough done before she needs what I am making for her . We had a lovely trip to Las Vegas , and a wonderful Thanksgiving with family . Thanksgiving is one of my girls favorite holidays , since that is the time when most of the family comes together . I know for many families it is still Christmas , but for us it is Thanksgiving . Then they all seperate and go to the spouses homes for Christmas . I won 't even be here this year and that is going to be hard for me . I have only missed one Christmas with my family in my life . That was the first Christmas my husband and I spent together . We drove to his parents in PA , and spent the holiday with his family . Neither one of us is fond of snow , and his family does not like me , so we have not done it again . We spent New Years and Easter with them off and on over the years , but not Christmas . Well , I got home a week ago yesterday , and I was glad to be home , but from dehydration and lots more walking than I am used to , my legs and feet were swollen . It was much dryer in Nevada than it is here in Central Texas , and even though I thought I was drinking enough liquid the swelling is proof I was not . Well , that and the chapped lips , and sand paper feeling on my hands . hahaha Really ! Our middle daughter went out of town on Sat . for a wedding shower , and the older one decided to have a party . Hubby 's trucks clutch went out Sat . morning , and we had to have it towed . Luckily my dad is not driving his truck any more so we borrowed it , until we could get his fixed . Sun . my mom called me and explained that daddy was pretty sure he was going to die and didn 't want to die at home . We talked about it and decided we would do what he wanted us to . She hung up and later in the day she called and they had called ems to come to the house . They took him to the hospital and in a very short time after we got there he was already breathing better . He started losing the liquid he had built up in his whole body . He is still there , and with mother having broken ribs , I am driving her where ever she needs to go . Oh , did I forget to tell you I had a great little craft show . I made back my table fee , and I made more than that . I did not sell , most of my stuff , but did sell almost all of the new little things I made out of the college items . I am glad I listened to my daughter and made them . I took pictures , but I couldn 't find my camera so I used my cell phone . Now , I can 't seem to remember how to add them to a post . I will figure it out I am sure , and when I do I will put them on here . I made the cute boots , that I made before , and some bags , of various different styles . This was the most fun I have had at a craft show and I felt so good that I sold so many things . Too bad my daughter hadn 't been telling me what to make and sell before now . LOL Well , I off to get busy , I have two queen size quilts due before I leave for the trip to be with my daughter when the baby is to be born . I have way more than that to do , but first things first . So until I have a few minutes to write a more positive post I hope yall , have a very quilty week . I seem to be apologizing more often than not for being out of touch lately . I am working hard to get some new things made for the little craft show I am doing the day after I get home from my little anniversary vacation . We leave on Sunday and get home on Thurs . evening and the show starts at 7 am on Fri . So it has to be , not only ready , but also packed up and in the car before I go to bed Thurs . evening after I get home from Las Vegas . We are not big gamblers , but had such a good time two years ago , that we just had to go again . Well , I have my nose to the grind stone , but I have no choice but to come up for air very often . In some ways that is good , so that I don 't get stiff and sore . Then there is the problem that I have to leave the house and that always makes it harder to get back into the sewing room . Last Fri . mother and I went out to get my new glasses ordered , and do some shopping . Turns out she broke three or more ribs on that little outing . Well , Sun . evening she called to say she was in terrible pain and finding it very hard to breath ( scary ) , did I think she should wait or call for an ambulance . I said " well , better safe than sorry go ahead and call them and I will be there as soon as I can . " I followed the fire truck to her house , and the ambulance got there before we had been there a min . or two . They agreed with me that we needed to go to the ER and have some x - rays made to be sure the lung was not collapsing . As those of you who have been there know even if you go in on a slow night in an ambulance that is a good three our trip . Fortunately no collapsed lung , and they were pretty sure she just let her pain medication go too long before taking it again . I went grocery shopping for them on Mon . Then Tue . she called and asked when I was going for my physical therapy which the Dr . from my Fri . visit had prescribed . I was there on Tue . and had set it up to be there again on , Thurs . She said the ER called and told her she needed to make an appointment to see her Dr . for a follow up on the Er visit , this week . She had called and they told her they could see her Wed . So here it is Thurs . I have not been home a complete day this week , and had the craft show meeting Tue . night and last night daughter number two and I went to a 75th birthday concert for singer song writer Guy Clark . It was amazing , good music , and a nice venue . Today therapy in the morning and I had to get on the computer and take care of email . I have not gotten on in three or more days , and I had 158 emails in one account 68 in another and the other two were pretNeedless to say I feel like I am being pulled in fourteen different directions and not getting any thing done . I hope to post pictures and write at least one more time before I leave town . If that does not happen please have a very quilty week and I will post pictures when I get home of the stuff I made , as well as do a separate post with pictures from our trip . So keep quilty until I am back to see you . Hi there friends it has been a hard day today . I got a lot of little stuff done yesterday in the sewing room , then today happened . I got nothing done , and I can only hope I get some stuff done tomorrow . I felt like I had not rested when I woke up this morning . You know that morning when you wake up and think is it nap time yet . So I got up anyway , I called the Dr . to see if I could come in and have her fill out a form for me for out insurance , and while I was there I needed to talk to her about some health stuff . They had an opening in 20 min . So I started getting ready , and poured my self a cup of coffee for the drive . BIG mistake ! ! ! I spilled half of that cup of coffee all over the night stand and my cell phone was in the middle of it all . I did the rapid clean up with the phone and all the other stuff , so I could leave . When I got in the car I took the phone apart and pulled the battery . Good news it was dry inside . Sadly the two jacks were full of coffee and I had to get a Kleenex and dry them out . It seems to be fine , shew , so glad . Well , while I was at the Dr . I got a email from my husband telling me to go get my mom and go order my new glasses . So that is exactly what I did , I called mother and told her what I was planning to do and did she want to go for a ride with me . She was up for it she almost always is . LOL We went to Costco and I got the glasses ordered , then mother and I shopped for a while and checked out . We headed off to our favorite chinese place . That was our mistake . When we got there everything was fine and we got out of the car to go inside . I thought " I need to give mother a hand so she doesn 't fall when she steps up on the curb . " I put my hand out too late and down she went . Fortunately for me a couple came out just about the time she was ready to get up , and helped me . She was in pain and pretty sure she broke her rib . I was kind of worried about her , but she can make that proverbial mountain out of a mole hill , so tried to ignore it at first . Don 't get me wrong I was concerned , but just not ready to call EMS . Besides I had not had anything to eat and it was already 1 , my stomach was more concerned with getting filled than getting to the hospital . We went ahead and had lunch , and I gave her some ibuprofen . I wanted her to figure out what really hurt before we made any decisions to go crazy . LOL Just kidding ! After lunch she still felt like she had a broken rib , and we were just a few blocks from her Dr . s office , so we went there instead of shopping like we had planned . Sure enough she has a cracked rib . I sure was glad her Dr . s office took her . While we were there she got a flu shot , which she had not had . So to end this long story , I left here a little before 9am and got home just after 4 : 40pm , long day . So tomorrow , I will need to cook for the parents , and if there is time I will come home and quilt . Still , I have two finishes for the week , and that is a good thing . Well , as you might have guessed from the title I have had some problems today . I told you I was off to get stuff ready for a small craft fair , and I had to fill out the PDF for them and send it back . I was supposed to be able to do that digitally , however I could not figure out how , and my daughter was never here when I had time to get her help . Today was the last day , so I thought , well I will just print it and take it to her with the cash . Such is life , since we have all gotten new laptops and they all have the new OS Windows 7 . The printer is so old that the drivers are not compatible with the new OS . I spent too much time with that and then just gave up and went to my parents house and used their computer and printer . I fiddled with the other stuff for so long it was almost 4 this afternoon getting to the hospital to turn in the cash and the form . That meant I was close to 5 getting back home . Needless to say I got very little done today toward any sewing or crafting . I did get all the newest fat quarters ironed and ready to use , when I do get to the sewing room . I should have plenty of pictures to post in the next few days . I have some cute ideas and some fun stuff to work on , as well as the stocking I plan to make for the lady who is collecting them for the foster children in the system in her county . I thought you might like to see what the husband is working on for a change since I have not done anything photo worthy recently . This is for our new granddaughter . She is kind of on the top edge of the make believe play , but so far our granddaughters have all been that old when we get them . The grandson due in Dec . will be our first baby to join the family since his mother was born . It will be fun to play with him and I am sure we will be making many things for him as he grows up . Well , I will head off to get ready for bed and until the next time yall have a very quilty week . Well , I really am here and have even been around a few times , I just didn 't have any time to write while I was here . I am happy to report that the two quilts I have been working on are finally done , and on their way to the lady who asked me to make them . She will be happy to get them and give them to her grandsons . I love the way they turned out and I am happy that they are completed . I wish they had gotten done much sooner than they did , but I gotta tell you for what ever reason I have no real memory of Sept . It really bothers me , but I just don 't know what happened in Sept . I have decided to give a craft show a whirl . Not a big one , just a table and it will be office hours one day only . I have almost all the left overs from the last big show I did , and I have an idea or two for a few little things to add to the inventory I already have . Nothing big since it will be in three weeks and I am leaving for a vacation the week of the fair . Then I have about four weeks before I leave for my daughters for the baby . In that time I have to complete the two king size t - shirt quilts before I leave . So I will be doing some prep work on those t - shirts in the evenings after I finish the work in the quilting room . I will need to stabilize them and cut them up . That will take some time , and then there is the process of figuring out what fabric I need to put between them for sashing . I also have some robes to embroidery for the wedding . You see the girl who wants me to make the t - shirt quilts is getting married about the time my new grandson will be born . She has been part of the family for a long time and I will miss the wedding . I have been thinking today about how much I love quilting and how slow I think I am at it . There is also the whole thought that if I would just be more consistent with my work , then maybe I would be almost as fast as some of you . I have been looking around again at other blogs , and some of them show such amazing work . How is it that some of you make a quilt or two a week ? ? I am in aww of those of you who do . I will be completing two and maybe if I can keep up the momentum three this week . The thing is I have been working on them all for months , not days or weeks . One is waiting for binding , the next is ready to start quilting , and then I will bind it as well . Then maybe tomorrow I can pin baste the last one and finish it as well . Yea ! ! ! ! that will mean I can begin the next two that I need to have done before I leave for TN for the birth of my new grand baby . Those will be king size t - shirt quilts , one for a friends wedding gift for her new to be husband , and the other for her brother in law to be . My middle daughter will be going with me to TN and then when she leaves there she will go to Dallas for the wedding of this girl , I am making the quilts for . This lovely young lady has been my daughters best friend since they were in high school , but we have known her since they were in elementary school . I have a project I am working on I have mentioned it before . I am making a top for my daughter and I am having trouble making it fit . Some would pay big money for the size of . . . . . how do I say it with out being rude , chest that three of my girls have . I have been looking for a book to help me learn the process of fitting clothes . Adjusting patterns to fit any body size or type , seems to elude me . I used to be good at it , so , this frustrates me to no end . Well , if I am to complete the quilts I want to today and tomorrow I must go and get busy . I need to go to the mail box and since I have to go out I will go get coffee too . The girls will go to girls night so I will be alone tonight and I can quilt while they are gone . Until the next time , yall have a very quilty week . Well , here it is only Mon . evening and I can 't believe it has been such a crazy week already . Does that mean that it will go on for the remainder of the week , well maybe . My darling husband sent me an email this afternoon and told me he would be at work until at least 1AM . Now he usually works his full time job from 12 : 30 PM to 9 : 30 PM and he has a side business doing odd jobs for people . He enjoys that work much more than his regular full time job , but it obviously does not provide insurance . We both have some problems that require we take medications on a regular basis . I was off of anything for almost a year . Then recently I was diagnosed with a thyroid problem that means I have to take med . s daily . Hubby has high blood pressure and high cholesterol and takes med . s for both . I wish he could quit the " real " job too , but such is life . He has it all figured out when he can retire , and I try to stay as healthy as I can so he can when the time comes . LOL I have not had the time to work in the sewing room very much , but did get a bag finished for my granddaughters birthday . That is tomorrow , and I have already told her it will be late , but to expect is soon . She will be 14 I think , I have trouble remembering the ages . Her sister will be 16 in Dec . and I am pretty sure she is 2 years older . Now it sounds like I am a bad grandmother , but I have only known her for 6 years . I put her mom up for adoption when she was born and we met in 2005 . I am so happy to have them in my life , as I sure never thought I would . So tomorrow I will try very hard to get in the sewing room and stay there for a long time . I want three quilts finished by Fri . all they need is to be quilted and bound and that has been put off for too long already . Okay well , this time I am asking myself why it is I quilt , and what drives me ? I was raised in a home with quilts around me all the time . Even if they weren 't on our beds , which most of the time they were , they were around . This is my favorite and the one that was on my bed most of the time . I didn 't want to try and take a picture of the whole thing , so here is just a corner . My great grandmother on my mothers , dads side did the piecing and embroidery for the blocks . She gave my mom the quilt and my grandmothers sister pieced the sashing and put it all together . Then the three of them Mother , grandmother and Aunt Ina Lee quilted it together . I don 't use it daily any more , let me show you why . I know it is a little blurry but the embroidery stitching is wearing off on some of the blocks . I am not a hand embroiderer and don 't know how to fix that part . Other than that is is also beginning to get small holes in the cotton fabric and where they are the batting is missing . Once upon a time I thought I might try and duplicate it so I would have one on my bed . I created a pattern from the original blocks and started looking for the fabrics to make it . At that time I didn 't realize that I could do the embroidery on my machine , by using a satin stitch . I was thinking I needed to do it all by hand . I gave up , on the idea at the time . Now I may be revisiting the idea . I am a much better quilter and I know more about how to manipulate my machine . Well , as I said there were other quilts that I saw daily , but this one was mine so I have it , and mother and daddy still have the other ones . Also I slept on the baby quilt my Aunt had for my cousin when I was at her house . That one was a colonial sunbonnet sue . Some day I may get that one and take some pictures and try to remake it as well . I would have to say that little quilt has had as much influence over me as any that were in my home . So much did I love that quilt I thought it was mine , and would fight the cousins if one of them tried to use it . Okay , I am off for today and wishing each of you a very quilty week , until I get back to you . You think she will want to quilt too ? ? ? LOL Well , I have had a great week , for a change and thought I would share that with all of you . I told you about the swap I did with a lovely lady in the UK . She has let me know she got her box of goodies so I am free to show you what I sent her now . As I told you before the items sent needed to start with the letters for the word , FRIENDS . So to start with F , is fortune cookie , I made of fabric and used my machine to create the fortune of " fun is in your future " I am always trying to challenge myself , and I am not particularly good at paper piecing , so that is what I did . The Flamingo is a post card size paper pieced mini quilt . I actually had fun making this one , I guess I am maybe getting a little better at it . The pink ribbon you see here is a key fob . Kind of a out dated way to say key chain . My girls have all had me making them for them , so why not , make one for her . As it turns out I either didn 't take some of the pictures I thought I did or they didn 't turn out and I deleted them . I did get some of the little bag I made , though . It isn 't big enough to be the sewing kit it was going to be , which would have been an S . I found a pattern for this and it was cute , but I thought I want to make it on my own , without their pattern . So I used my 45 degree triangle ruler and make the large and small sized then I put a backing on them so I would not need any hems . I loved the fabrics and she is using it for a jewelry case for travel and I think that is the neatest thing in the world . The floral fabrics you see in the lower left corner are part of the fabrics I used to wrap each of the boxes , their is a matching green fabric too . The blue and white is a shall I sent her with a snowflake embroidered on the pockets . You can also just barely see the red eyelet trim I also used as a flower for a bow on the top of one of the boxes . I meant to add a seto fo dice , since that is one of my silly little collections , and I thought it would be good to share , but I forgot them . There are other things , but to be honest I can 't remember what all there was . LOL Well , I hope you all have such a lovely quilty week . We have finally had rain , not just a smattering , almost 3 full inches over the weekend . Yea ! ! ! Well , I had thought I would like to really whine about something that happened this weekend at the quilt show . Then I got on and started reading posts from some of you and it made me feel better so I changed my mind . I decided venting was counter productive , and I want to go for productive instead . ; ) This week is Aften 's birthday and she took the week off work , so this morning after she got home from the gym she and I went to run errands . I told her I would take her to lunch and she could pick where we went . We had a lovely lunch and when the bill arrived I grabbed my purse and . . . . . . . . . . . no wallet . Suddenly I couldn 't remember where I had used it last . We came home and searched my van , since that was where I thought I used it last . No wallet there either . So we came into the house and started searching some more . I came to the living room and started praying and thinking . Suddenly I remembered that I used it at the post office when I mailed the package for the swap I signed up for . I did not take my purse into the post office , I put the boxes in my quilted bag , with my wallet and my phone . Sure enough we went in my bedroom and there was my wallet in that bag . Wheww , crisis averted . However now I owe my lovely daughter a lunch since she paid for today 's . I think I have shown you the bag I am talking about , I would post a picture of it but I am not sure I have one on this computer . I may have one in my google photo storage , but I don 't know how to retrieve it . Hello there friends , what a weekend it has been . Aislynn and I went out on Fri . night while Aften went out on a date . Then on Sat . Aislynn went off to a ladies retreat to help lead worship for the weekend . Aften and I got up so that we would be ready when her friend and her son came by to leave some stuff for me to work on for her wedding in Dec . Then we headed out for breakfast and off to the quilt show . Then we did some shopping at the hardware store , and off to the grocery store . We were having a party so we needed food . Then home to get the rest of the house clean and start cooking . This was a kind of small party since we didn 't decide to have it until Sat . Lots of people already had plans and others had plans all day and were just too tired . We had good food and it was fun , even though it was a small party . I am not sure which guild it was that put this Quilt show on , but it was fairly small . I almost felt like they had more vendors than they did quilts . Any way I took some pictures of the ones I really liked . I admit some of them were in the vendor booths . Does that mean I plan to try and duplicate them ? No , I may want to , but lets face it , even if I did , when would I have time to do all this designing . Because that would be the case , I would have to draft the blocks so I could size them . I must admit if I was going to go to all that much work , I would not want it to be from someone else design . I am not posting any of the ones from shops here , seems like that might be the wrong thing to do . Here are some of the quilts I loved the most . I am not sure if you will notice , but the ribbons on the ones with awards are attached with tiny mini quilts , that are amazing . Isn 't that an amazing chili pepper , and of course the Yellow Rose of Texas is pretty amazing as well . This last one is a Breast Cancer quilt . I just love these red high heels , and I wish I had thought about this one . I don 't know if I would have ever gotten them made , but wow , they look so pretty . I have made some really cute things this week and I took pictures , but they are for a swap so I won 't post them until I am pretty sure she has gotten them . The thing is making them has gotten me back into the swing of things . I have a ton more ideas , but obviously they won 't be going to this swap . LOL I will spend some time crawling around on the floor later getting three quilts pin basted so I can quilt the next two days , or three . The baby quilt I showed you last month needs to go to them NOW , since the baby got here yesterday . I doubt we will be driving there this weekend , but the girls are both off for a few days next week and might decide to go see the new baby on one of those days . This is a busy time of year for birthdays in our family . My husband was on the 22nd , a daughter on the 27th , the next daughter Oct . 4 , father in law the 3rd , and mother the 6 . Then got a granddaughter on the 9th , of Oct . That is why the girls are off next week , to celebrate her birthday . I missed my cousins BD , yesterday so I need to tell him how sorry I am about that . I hate it when I forget someones birthday and I am bad about it . Back in the day when I was single and had myself organized , I never missed any ones birthday . After marriage and children , I got lost in there . I am no longer organized and I have trouble remembering what day it is sometimes let alone a birthday . I never thought that would happen to me , and I , like so many others , who feel this way wonder what happened . Well , it is Sunday evening and it has been a different kind of weekend , we didn 't make it to church today . Our son and his girlfriend were here for the weekend so we went out for brunch with them instead . They wanted to get home , so they left about 2 , and our middle daughter went to take a nap . She and her brother have been living on Thera - Flu this weekend . So , the camera , is not new in the normal terms , since I have had it for at least a year and maybe more . I still think of it as new though because I have not figured out how to use all the things on it . My cousins girlfriend is a photographer , and can figure out most of the point and shoot cameras pretty easy . She and I talked about mine at the family reunion and then again when we got together with other family for a birthday a couple of weeks ago . She said she would be happy to help me figure it out when she had time . Today she had time , and she came over here so we could use the sewing machine and the areas that I use the camera in for the blog and my tutorials . I am so excited that I finally have a good idea that I can use some of the stuff on it . My photos should look much better when I take the next round of them . I wish I had some to show you , but I have not loaded any on the computer and they are not of anything other than just fabric on the sewing machine . The fact that you can see exactly where it is and see the seam allowance measurements without a glare is amazing to me . I got the new camera because it took very clear pictures and had a lot of features . Not being able to use the features was frustrating . As a matter of fact just a week or two ago I was ready to give it to my daughter and take my old one back from her . I at least knew how to use it , and it does have some cool features , that I used when I had it . Who knows I might do a better job with that one too now that I know what some of that stuff does . Well , sorry for being away so long . Yesterday was my husbands birthday and we did what we do on birthdays and went out for lunch and then when he got off work we went out as well for a little celebration . One of the girls was home sick , but our middle daughter went with us and my husbands friend whose birthday is the same as Charlies . We kind of have a thing in our family that I have discovered not all families do . We take the day off for out birthday , no working . Well , since Charlies was on Thurs . he chose to work and take the Fri . off and have a long weekend for his birthday . Our son is coming in tonight for the weekend and we are looking forward to that , it has been a couple of months since we saw them . I have been working on those three quilts that I have been talking about for a month or more , and just need to layer and bast them , so I can quilt . We have done a massive house cleaning and that kind of put me behind on what I needed to be doing . I should get the basting done either tomorrow or Mon . and then get all three quilted next week . I have also taken a chance on making my daughter a top . She has plans to go to a car show this weekend and wanted a special top for it . I have had some bad luck with making clothing so avoid it most of the time . I love to have clothes I make myself , but seem to have lost the knack for making them fit . I keep thinking my old skills will kick in , then the next thing I make doesn 't fit and I walk away for a while again . Right now I am going to have to re - cut at least part of this top , because I fitted it to her and it is not going to be large enough . When I get it right it will be a very cute one and I will try to get her to let me take a photo to show you . I mentioned the house cleaning we have been doing . My sewing room was such a disaster I could just walk thru a path to the sewing table and not much more . In May or early June , I had three people bring me clothing they wanted made into quilts . These came in large plastic bags and huge boxes , which really didn 't have a place to go , so they just sat in the middle of the room . Well , I finally figured out what to do with the two that I am not working on as yet so I can now see the floor in there . I am excited about that . I still have issues that need to be addressed , but I feel like I can work in there now . I am so happy with it I am even loading the software for my embroidery machine on the new laptop . I have wanted to do this for a while , but why bother when I can 't even find the module to put on the machine . Well , actually it was not lost , I just didn 't have room to use it , and it was very hard to get to . Now I have put it where I can get to it easily and will have the software on the computer . Yea , I can use it again . We still have not gotten any real rain as yet , but we are finally out of the triple digit temp . s . Of course just as I was righting that the news guy said Sun . we may have another day of it . We are at 85 days of triple digits this year in the Austin area , that will make it 86 days . We just need the rain so badly , and farmers almanac says it may not be until after Nov . that we will get the rain . Okay , well until the next time , yall have a very quilty weekend . This is so unusual , but here we are half way through Sept . and it is still in the triple digits . Today was the 85th day for the Austin area to be in the triple digits . We broke the record back on day 69 . We have broken temp . records that are close to a 100 years ago . We are also at a 14 inch deficit for rain for the years normal averages . That is why we are having so many wild fires in the area . I know other states have wild fires , and floods , and so much devastation , but it seems a little harder to see when you can actually see the faces , and know the names of some of the people who have lost everything they own . I am so proud that I am a part of a yahoo group who have decided to try and help the ladies from the Bastrop , TX area who have lost their stash , scissors , and quilt supplies . I am going through mine now to see what I can share with them . They are coming from CO and since I live so close I will just meet them when they get here . I know that they are more concerned about a roof over their heads and clothes for their children , but I can 't imagine thinking about having to start over with my stash , and supplies . Well , I got the two tops finished today of the mans pants legs . I think they look great , but they are just not going to be big enough for a bed . I have many in my house that are the same size as these are , but some people don 't know the joy of a lap quilt on a cold winter night . I can 't imagine not having these all over my house . As soon as they are complete I will get real busy on the baby stuff I need to make for my new grandson . I still need to get the diaper bag made too , and that will be fun . I have a design in my head , but I have some things I need to work out , before I get it made . Well , I have been frazzled with the fires all around us , and therefore I have not had a chance or the inclination to sew for the last four or five days . At one point on Sun . we were very literally surrounded by fires . We have been very grateful to have been saved from the fires , but also sad , sad , sad for those who have been evacuated from their homes . The news has said there are somewhere around 700 or more homes that have been completely destroyed by fire . So many have lost so much , and I want to help and even feel some what guilty to be so protected as we have been so far . Last night we had the closest fire , and I loaded my van with a lot of stuff . I have decided to leave it there for a day or so , and hope I don 't need it to be there . Safe is better than sorry , and that is what I have been told my entire life . My girls and I have a movie we enjoy watching , that is about a girl who goes to Ireland to ask her boyfriend to marry her . It is a comedy of errors how she gets lost and then has a hard time getting to where he is . In that time she and the man , who ends up saving her through all the mess she has to go through , discuss the fire alarm going off and what would you get to take out in that ten seconds . I have heard about that ten seconds to get out , but never thought I would do what I did . I always thought I would get my pictures and clothes first . I had a plan in my mind , or so I thought . When it came to us yesterday , not ten seconds , but still time to think about getting out . I was surprised to see I got the three quilts I have here that are not mine , but belong to someone else . I made plans for the things I would get when the time came , and I packed some bags and funny thing , I grabbed all of my hanging pants and pajama pants and put them in the van . They are still there . hahahaha I did not feel threatened all weekend , and even though my daughters packed a suitcase and when they went to work on Tue . after the holiday weekend , took a suitcase and some of their most important things . My sewing machine was on the list , and I got all the feet and attachments to my machine in a bag . I may leave some of those packed for a while too . Writing this has been very healing for me , and I finally believe I not only can but want to go sew again . This is the first time I have felt that way in at least four or five days . It feels good , so I am off to the sewing room and wishing you all a very quilty week and I will be back soon . Well , I had a nice weekend with my family , and at our reunion with our extended family . My parents made the drive there and back the day of the reunion and did just fine . I got a little upset with them , because , mother left her phone in her purse where she couldn 't hear it and daddy just didn 't turn his on . I worried about this for hours before we got to where they were and found out they were safe . Sometimes they might as well not have cell phones . We had them get cell phones so we could get a hold of them when they were out traveling . I understand them not wanting to have them in a hand all the time like so many of my children do . I admit I am guilty of the same thing sometimes . I do try to at least have it in the same room I am in . Okay , on to other things , I took my camera and I used it the day we got there while we were on the tour of Garrison Bros . Distillery , in Hye , TX . Sadly after that I put it in the car and I just didn 't ever go get it to use . So the photos I have are those . This is the building we saw as soon as we got to the Ranch that the Garrison Bros . use for their distillery . That is my hubby enjoying a beverage while we waited for the tour . The bench he is sitting on is in front of a huge fire pit , that can be used for cooking as well as just enjoying a nice fire . Not now in this terrible drought we are in , but some other time when it is over . They have lovely rocking chairs too . On the barrel between these two chairs is a cute turtle made of concrete and stones . I sure wish I could show you some of the other pictures that were taken while we were on the trip , but I just don 't have them . My daughter has some but her sister won 't let her share them with us because she tends to take those pictures you just don 't want to see . I am hoping my son and his girl friend will share some that they took , but that is not something that happens very often . Well , as I told you last week , I really should have finished the two quilts I am working on by now . However , as is often the case when I have gone on a trip I came home and had no desire to go into the sewing room . I did finally get enough desire to do something that I went out and bought the fabric for the backing on both of them . I am not happy with them , but satisfied , and sure they will look great . I thought I would get in there today and work , but just have no desire to sew . That grieves me , and I hope it does not last long . I did go to the Dr . yesterday for a physical , something I should have done a long time ago . I ended up seeing a new Dr . and I like her very much . I will be making my appointments with her from now on . I got this in an email this last week and I just had to send it on in a way different from just the email forward . I have no idea who wrote the original , so I am not taking credit from someone else this is not something I wrote . In the line at the store , the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren 't good for the environment . The woman apologized to him and explained , " We didn 't have the green thing back in my day . " The clerk responded , " That 's our problem today . Your generation did not care enough to save our environment . " She was right - - our generation didn 't have the green thing in its day . Back then , we returned milk bottles , soda bottles and beer bottles to the store . The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled , so it could use the same bottles over and over . So they really were recycled . But we didn 't have the green thing back in our day . We walked up stairs , because we didn 't have an escalator in every store and office building . We walked to the grocery store and didn 't climb into a 300 - horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks . But she was right . We didn 't have the green thing in our day . Back then , we washed the baby 's diapers because we didn 't have the throw - away kind . We dried clothes on a line , not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes . Kids got hand - me - down clothes from their brothers or sisters , not always brand - new clothing . But that old lady is right ; we didn 't have the green thing back in our day . Hello , all my followers , I have noticed the strangest thing when I logged in today to write this post . I hope blogger is just having a glitch because it says I am not following any other blogs , and I am pretty sure I am following , well a lot of blogs and I would hat to have lost my list . Now on to other things , I will just trust that this is a temporary glitch and move on . I started to day with a stressed feeling about the quilt I am working on . Yesterday I worked all day , and what I did most was rip out the seams I had put in Mon . and most of the ones I put in yesterday too . I was almost afraid to sit down to the machine today . I hate days like that and I hate feeling like I wasted my day . Now after working all day I feel so much better . I did not get all 10 blocks made , but I got enough of them made that I do feel much better . Turns out I seem to have missed a few parts when I was cutting my pieces for my blocks . Tomorrow I will finish those cuttings and then put together the last of the blocks and begin putting the top together . I actually hope to get it done and then I will know if I have any fabric left over to add to the last one I made . I would like for it to be a little larger than it is and the customer would like to have it for the 30th . Then I want to finish the other one in the next day or two after that . Making money Yea ! ! ! ! ! ! As you may have guessed I have been kind of busy and that is why I have not written . I went out late yesterday afternoon to see if I could find a piece of fabric that has an elephant on it . I am going to a family reunion this weekend and it will also be my Aunts birthday . My Aunt has collected a few things over the years of my life and the first one was Elephants . She had a glass case with them and since she was also my baby sitter I have may memories of those Elephants in my childhood . I did find some fabric , but it is baby fabric and has other jungle animals on it . I shall cut out the ones I want for my Aunt and save the others for my daughter . She is using Giraffes for the babies room , and this fabric has some very cute ones . I should have taken a photo , but never got around to it . I will after the bag is made . This reunion has given my immediate family an excuse to get together for the weekend at a destination , so that is what we will be doing . We have only one distillery in Texas , and my daughter was given a bottle of their Whiskey for her birthday . They only release 4000 or 5000 bottles every two years , and hers was made in 2008 . We are going to the distillery for a tour on Fri . , then we are heading over to Luckenbach for a little fun in the sun . That is the small town from Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings fame , and as a single girl I used to spend a lot of time there . Now my children want to check it out for them selves . We took them there as younguns , but they don 't really remember it much . Then Sat . we will go to the reunion and enjoy the family . Sun . we will visit some of the places we spent a lot of time at when the children were young . The state park in Kerrville , and some of the shops in Fredricksburgh . Then we will kiss and say goodbye and everyone will head off into their own directions home . Two of the girls will not be with us and I am sad about that , but the baby is in TN and the oldest just can 't find the time to join us . It is a days drive for her and the family too , even though they are in TWell , guess that is it for today , and since we will be out of town Fri . , thru Sun . I hope you all have a very quilty weekend and I look forward to talking to you next week . Well , I love the way some have wordless Wed . and Fun Fri . , or other cute ideas . I don 't have any of those and I most likely won 't , even though I enjoy them . Today I worked on the second quilt made of the mans pants . I got the centers made and started some of the pre sewing of the remainder of the block . While I was doing that , I realized I had not cut one of the small pieces . Sadly there are four of that piece on each block and since the last one turned out so much smaller than I had anticipated , I am making 20 block . Well , you can do the math , I need a lot of them and I am almost out of the fabric again . I really need the last of the legs to make the borders on this quilt and hopefully have enough to make the first one a little bigger than it was . I know it can be fine as it is , but bigger would be better . I was so busy all day that I didn 't have time to get on the computer , and now after checking my four emails , and facebook , here it is 11 : 00PM . I have gotten into a really bad habit of staying up until after midnight and then not getting out of bed until after 8 . Yes , it is the same approximate amount of hours , but I still want to quit in the sewing room after dinner . One night last week I stayed there until after 11 , but most days I don 't . Today I decided , I was making too many mistakes and had to quit . So , I am off to get some sleep . Until next time have a very quilty week . I know I have told you all that my daughter moved to Chattanooga , TN last summer , and since that time she and her husband have divorced , and she has remarried . Well , her ex has also gotten a new girl friend who moved to live with him from TX . Last Thurs . they experienced the most horrific thing I can think of to happen other than losing a family member . They lost their home ( rented ) Thurs . night to fire . They lost everything , home , vehicles , phones , computers , and clothes . My ex son in law went back in the house after they got out to try and find his cat . He was sent to the hospital , with second and third degree burns , on his hands and face . The red cross put them up in a hotel for a couple of days , until they could find an apartment to live in . The girls family came and got her a car , and phone , and maybe computer . They are on line , so it could be phone with internet access . It breaks my heart that they still have not found the cat , although the firemen said they did not find her body in the house . I am so sad for them , and their loss , and if you are a praying person please add them to your prayers . Both of his parents are deceased , so he does not have them to fall back on . Fortunately his furniture was financed , and there is a clause in that financing that will replace it in case of a natural disaster . Well , along those same lines , just down the road from us in Leander they are still fighting a grass fire that at this point has destroyed fifteen home , seven vehicles , and damaged two homes . There have been two fire fighters hospitalized from heat exhaustion , and two home owners from smoke inhalation . I am so very sad for everyone who has lost so much , and having my ex - son in law go through it at the same time , really makes me more aware of how terribly painful this must be for those who have lost so much . Kind of makes me want to wrap every one of them in a new quilt , I just don 't have the ability to make that many that fast . Today we are going to finally get this done . I want to say that you can find patterns many places to find them . The one I have used I purc . . . Hello from all the lovely state of Virgina . I am visiting my family here in the North East and we went to the beach yesterday . Today we have . . . |
' This woman , is she good looking ? ' ' Not really . ' ' Is she a good cook ? ' ' Naw , she can 't cook too well . ' ' Does she have lots of money ? ' ' Nope ! Poor as a church mouse . ' ' Well , then , is she good in bed ? ' ' I don 't know . ' ' Why in the world do you want to marry her then ? ' ' Because she can still drive ! ' Morris , an 82 year - old man , went to the doctor to get a physical . A few days later , the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm . A couple of days later , the doctor spoke to Morris and said , ' You 're really doing great , aren 't you ? ' Morris replied , ' Just doing what you said , Doc : ' Get a hot mamma and be cheerful . ' ' The doctor said , ' I didn 't say that . . I said , ' You 've got a heart murmur ; be careful . ' A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly , painfully , up onto a stool . . After catching his breath , he ordered a banana split . The waitress asked kindly , ' Crushed nuts ? ' ' No , ' he replied , ' Arthritis . ' Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb ? She was at the beauty shop for two hours . That was only for the estimate . She got a mudpack and looked great for two days . Then the mud fell off . The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve . He hadn 't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away . He had no decorations , no tree , no lights . It was just another day to him . He didn 't hate Christmas , just couldn 't find a reason to celebrate . There were no children in his life . His wife had gone . " Thank you , but I don 't mean to intrude , " said the stranger . " I see you 're busy . I 'll just go " " Not without something hot in your belly , " George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger . " It ain 't much , but it 's hot and tasty . Stew . Made it myself . When you 're done there 's coffee and it 's fresh . " There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy . Steam was rolling out of the front . The driver was panicked . " Mister , can you help me ! " said the driver with a deep Spanish accent . " My wife is with child and my car is broken . " George opened the hood . It was bad . The block looked cracked from the cold ; the car was dead . " You ain 't going in this thing , " George said as he turned away . " But mister . Please help . . . . " The door of the office closed behind George as he went in . George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck , and went back outside . He walked around the building and opened the garage , started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting . " Here , you can borrow my truck , " he said . " She ain 't the best thing you ever looked at , but she runs real good . " George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night . George t urned and walked back inside the office . " Glad I loaned em the truck . Their tires were shot too . That ' ol truck has brand new tires . . . . . . . . " George thought he was talking to the stranger , but the man had gone . The thermos was on the desk , empty with a used coffee cup beside it . " Well , at least he got something in his belly , " George thought . George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start . It cranked slowly , but it started . He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been . He thought he would tinker with it for something to do . Christmas Eve meant no customers . He discovered the block hadn 't cracked , it was just the bottom hose on the radiator . " Well , I can fix this , " he said to himself . So he put a new one on . " Those tires ain 't gonna get ' em through the winter either . " He took the snow treads off of his wife 's old Lincoln . They were like new and he wasn 't going to drive the car . As he was working he heard a shot being fired . He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground . Bleeding from the left shoulder , the officer moaned , " Help me . " " Pressure to stop the bleeding , " he thought . The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels . He used those and duct tape to bind the wound . " Hey , they say duct tape can fix anythin ' , " he said , trying to make the policeman feel at ease . " Something for pain , " George thought . All he had was the pills he used for his back . " These ought to work . " He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills . " You hang in there . I 'm going to get you an ambulance . " George said , but the phone was dead . " Maybe I can get one of your buddie s on that there talk box out in your police car . " He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio . He went back in to find the policeman sitting up . " Thanks , " said the officer . " You could have left me there . The guy that shot me is still in the area . " George sat down beside him . " I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain 't gonna leave you . " George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding . " Looks worse than what it is . Bullet passed right through ' ya . Good thing it missed the important stuff though . I think with time your gonna be right as rain . " The front door of the office flew open . In burst a young man with a gun . " Give me all your cash ! Do it now ! " the young man yelled . His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before . He turned his attention to the young man . " Son , it 's Christmas Eve . If you need the money , well then , here . It ain 't much but it 's all I got . Now put that pee shooter away . " The young man released his grip on the gun , fell to his knees and began to cry . " I 'm not very good at this am I ? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son , " he went on . " I 've lost my job . My rent is due . My car got repossessed last week . . . " George handed the gun to the cop . " Son , we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then . The road gets hard sometimes , but we make it through the best we can . " He got the young man to his feet , and sat him down on a chair across from the cop . " Sometimes we do stupid things . " George handed the young man a cup of coffee . " Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human . Comin ' in here with a gun ain 't the answer . Now sit there and get warm and we 'll sort this thing out . " The young man had stopped crying . He looked over to the cop . " Sorry I shot you . It just went off . I 'm sorry officer . " " Well , looks like you got one doozy of a break there . That ought to solve some of your problems . " George went into the back room and came out with a box . He pulled out a ring box . " Here you go . Something for the little woman . I don 't think Martha would mind . She said it would come in handy some day . " George reached into the box again . A toy airplane , a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next . They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell . " Here 's somethin g for that little man of yours . " The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $ 150 that the old man had handed him earlier . " And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with ? You keep that , too . Count it as part of your first week 's pay . " George said . " Now git home to your family . " " Well , after my wife passed away I just couldn 't see what all the bother was . Puttin ' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree . Bakin ' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn 't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby . " The stranger put his hand on George 's shoulder . " But you do celebrate the holiday , George . You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry . The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor . " Trust me , George . I have the inside track on this sort of thing . And when your days are done you will be with Martha again . " The stranger moved toward the door . " If you wi ll excuse me , George , I have to go now . I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned . " A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy : " What do you do at Christmas time ? Patrick addressed the class : " Well Ms . Jones , me and my twelve Brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns ; then We come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door And hang up our stockings . Then all excited , we go to bed and wait For Father Christmas to come with all our toys . " Very nice Patrick , " she said . " Now Jimmy Brown , what do you do And Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late . We Put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings . We hardly sleep , waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents . Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to Leave him out of the discussion , she asked , " Now , Isaac Cohen , What do you do at Christmas ? " Home from the office . We all pile into the Rolls Royce ; then we Drive to Dad 's toy factory . When we get inside , we look at all the Empty shelves . . . And begin to sing : " What A . Friend We Have In Jesus . " Then we all go to the Bahamas . . " The three Dolls in a man 's life are : 1 . . . . . . . . His Daughter , ' Baby doll ' 2 . . . . . . . . . His Girlfriend , ' Barbie doll ' Wait for it 3 . . . . . His Wife , ' Panadol ' . A mother was working in the kitchen , listening to her five - year - old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room . As the mother began to smile , the child added . . . . . . . . . . ' For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay , please see the fat controller in the kitchen . Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England . He asks her , " Your Majesty , how do you run such an efficient government ? Obama frowns , then asked , " But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent ? " The Queen takes a sip of tea . " Oh , that 's easy , you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle . " The Queen smiles and says , " Answer me this please , Tony ~ ~ ~ Your mother and father have a child . It is not your brother and it is not your sister . . . Who is it ? " Without pausing for a moment , Tony Blair answers , " That would be me . " " Yes ! Very good , " says the Queen . Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden , his vice presidential choice the same question ~ ~ ~ " Joe , answer this for me . Your mother and your father have a child . It 's not your brother and it 's not your sister . Who is it ? " " I 'm not sure , " says Biden . " Let me get back to you on that one . " He goes to his advisors and asks every one , but none can give him an answer . Finally , he ends up in the men 's room and recognizes Colin Powell 's shoes in the next stall . Biden asks Powell , " Colin , can you answer this for me ? Your mother and father have a child and it 's not your brother or your sister . Who is it ? " Colin Powell yells back , " That 's easy ~ It 's me ! " Biden smiles , and says , " Thanks ! " Then , he goes back to speak with Obama . " Say , I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle . It is Colin Powell ! " Jennifer a manager at The Warehouse had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening . . After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified . Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question . Their answer would determine which of them would get the job . ' Excellent ! ' said Jennifer . ' The blink of an eye , that 's a very popular cliche for speed . ' She then turned to the third man , who was contemplating his reply . . ' Well , out at my dad 's ranch , you step out of the house and on the wall there 's a light switch . . . When you flip that switch , way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant . ' Yip , TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of ' . Women are clever . Don 't mess with them . Attention female readers : this is the end of the joke for you . Stop here and continue feeling good . Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show . PS : If you are a woman and are still reading this ; it only goes to show that women never listen . . now run along and put the kettle on , there 's a love . Eleven people were hanging on a rope , under a helicopter . As soon as she finished her speech , all the men started clapping . . CORPORATE SHAKE - UP If you 've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through , you will love this ! Arcelor - Mittal Steel , feeling it was time for a shakeup , hired a new CEO . The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers . On a tour of the facilities , the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall . The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business . He asked the guy , " How much money do you make a week ? " A little surprised , the young man looked at him and said , " I make $ 400 a week . Why ? " The CEO said , " Wait right here . " He walked back to his office , came back in two minutes , and handed the guy $ 1 , 600 in cash and said , " Here 's four weeks ' pay . Now GET OUT and don 't come back . " Feeling pretty good about himself , the CEO looked around the room and asked , " Does anyone want to tell me what that goof - ball did here ? " From across the room a voice said , " He is the Pizza delivery guy from Domino 's . " When he had gone about three blocks , he met an old woman . She was sitting in the park , staring at some pigeons . The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase . He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry , so he offered her some chips . She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him . Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again , so he offered her a root beer . Again , she smiled at him . The boy was delighted ! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling , but they never said a word . When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later , his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face . She asked him , " What did you do today that made you so happy ? " He replied , " I had lunch with God . " But before his mother could respond , he added , " You know what ? She 's got the most beautiful smile I 've ever seen ! " Meanwhile , the old woman , also radiant with joy , returned to her home . Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked , " Mother , what did you do today that made you so happy ? " She replied , " I ate potato chips in the park with God . " However , before her son responded , she added , " You know , he 's much younger than I expected . " Too often we underestimate the power of a touch , a smile , a kind word , a listening ear , an honest compliment , or the smallest act of caring , all of which have the potential to turn a life around . People come into our lives for a reason , a season , or a lifetime . Embrace all equally ! Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart . He was stiff - legged and walking slowly . One student said to his friend : " I 'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome . Those people walk just like that . " The other student says : " No , I don 't think so . The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome . He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class . " Since they couldn 't agree they decided to ask the old man . They approached him and one of the students said to him : We 're medical students and couldn 't help but notice the way you walk , but we couldn 't agree on the syndrome you might have . Could you tell us what it is ? " The old man said , " I 'll tell you , but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think . " The first student said , " I think its Peltry Syndrome . " The old man said , " You thought . . . . . . . But you are wrong . " The other student said , " I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome . " The old man said , " You thought . . . . . . . But you are wrong . " So they asked him , " Well , old timer , what do you have ? " The old man said , " I thought it was a Fart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . But I was wrong , too ! " A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table , gives the husband a big open - mouthed kiss , says she 'll see him later and walks away . The Value of a Drink " Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame . Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . . If I didn 't drink this wine , they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered . Then I say to myself , " It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver . " ~ Jack Handy WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " I feel sorry for people who don 't drink . When 20 they wake up in the morning , that 's as good as they 're going to feel all day . " ~ Frank Sinatra WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher , smarter , faster and better looking than most people . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " When I read about the evils of drinking , I gave up reading . " ~ Henny Youngman WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " 24 hours in a day , 24 beers in a case . Coincidence ? I think not . " ~ Stephen Wright WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " When we drink , we get drunk . When we get drunk , we fall asleep . When we fall asleep , we commit no sin . When we commit no sin , we go to heaven . So , let 's all get drunk and go to heaven ! " ~ Brian O ' Rourke WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause pre gnancy . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy . " ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING : The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Without question , the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer . Oh , I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention , but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza . " ~ Dave2 . A set of jump leads walk into a bar . The bartender says , ' I 'll serve you , but don 't start anything . ' 7 . ' Doc , I can 't stop singing ' The Green , Green Grass of Home . ' ' That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome . ' ' Is it common ? ' ' Well , It 's Not Unusual . ' 12 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident . He shouted , ' Doctor , doctor , I can 't feel my legs ! ' The doctor replied , ' I know you can 't - I 've cut off your arms ! ' 16 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold , so they lit a fire in the craft . It sank , proving once again that you can 't have your kayak and heat it too . 17 . A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel , and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories . After about an hour , the manager came out of the office , and asked them to Upon receiving the picture , she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal . Her husband responds , ' They 're twins ! If you 've seen Juan , you 've seen Ahmal . ' This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal . It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting . It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / himself or others and is void where prohibited by law , and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher . This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting , whichever comes first , and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher . Recently , while going through an airport during one of his many trips , President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard , wearing a white robe and sandals , holding a staff . President Bush went up to the man and said , " Has anyone told you that you look like Moses ? " The man didn 't answer . He just kept staring straight ahead . The president said , " Moses ! " in a loud voice . The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and , pointing to the robed man , asked him , " Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you ? The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed . " Well , " said the president , " Every time I say his name , he ignores me and stares straight ahead , refusing to speak . Watch ! " Again the president yelled , " Moses ! " and again the man ignored him . The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered , " You look just like Moses . Are you Moses ? " The man leaned over and whispered back , " Shhhh ! Yes , I am Moses . The last time I talked to a bush , I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil . " He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in . In the middle of the room was a large round table . In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew , which smelled delicious and made the holy man 's mouth water . The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly . They appeared to be famished . They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful . But because the handle was longer than their arms , they could not get the spoons back into their mouths . They went to the next room and opened the door . It was exactly the same as the first one . There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man 's mouth water . The people were equipped with the same long - handled spoons , but here the people were well nourished and plump , laughing and talking . The holy man said , ' I don 't understand . ' It is simple , ' said the Lord . ' It requires but one skill . You see they have learned to feed each other , while the greedy think only of themselves . ' A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist . The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window . He immediately told her to get undressed . He was a DWARF ! ! He looked up at me and said , " I 'm NOT fucking happy ! " So I said , " Which fucking one ARE you then ? " That 's how the fight started . . . . The Bathtub Test It doesn 't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time , and this should help get you started . During a visit to the mental asylum , a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized . " Well , " said the Director , " we fill up a bathtub , then we offer a teaspoon , a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub . " " Oh , I understand , " said the visitor . " A normal person would use the bucket because it 's bigger than the spoon or the teacup . " " No . " said the Director , " A normal person would pull the plug . Do you want a bed near the window ? " Due to a power outage , only one paramedic responded to the call . The house was very , very dark , so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3 - year - old girl , to hold a flashlight high over her Mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby . Very diligently , Kathleen did as she was asked . Heidi pushed and pushed , and after a little while Connor was born . The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom . Connor began to cry . She thought about what she had just witnessed . Kathleen quickly responded , " He shouldn 't have crawled in there in the first place . . . . . . . . . smack him again ! " While in line at the bank one afternoon , my toddler decided to release some pent - up energy and started to run amuck . I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons . I told her that if she didn 't start behaving herself , right now , she would be punished . To my horror , she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening , ' If you don 't let me go right now , I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy 's willie last night . ' get dressed . When we got to the bottom of the stairs , the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled ' SURPRISE ' . My entire family - parents , grand parents , aunts , uncles , cousins as well as my friends , were standing there . out across the store for everyone to hear , " Price check for Tampax supersize . " But it got worse . Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word ' Tampax ' for ' Thumbtacks ' , and replied in a business like tone , his voice booming lecture . A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen . A young woman raised her hand and asked , " If I understand you correctly , you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar ? " The professor responded , yes , that 's correct adding some statistical data . Raising her hand again , the girl asked , " Then why doesn 't it taste sweet ? " After a stunned silence , the whole class burst out laughing . The poor girl turned bright red , and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said , she picked up her books , and without another word , walked out of the class . However , as she was heading for the door , the professor 's reply was a classic . Totally straight faced , he answered her question . " It doesn 't taste sweet because the We always hear " the rules " from the female side . Now here are the rules from the male side . These are our rules ! Please note . . . these are all numbered " 1 " ON PURPOSE ! 1 . Learn to work the toilet seat . You 're a big girl . If it 's up , put it down . We need it up , you need it down . You don 't hear us bitching about you leaving it down . 1 . Don 't cut your hair . Ever . Long hair is always more attractive than short hair . One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair , and by then you 're stuck with her . 1 . Ask for what you want . Let us be clear on this one : Subtle hints do not work ! Strong hints do not work ! Obvious hints do not work ! Just say it ! 1 . Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops . What makes you think we 'd be any good at choosing which pair , out of thirty , would look good with your dress ? 1 . Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it . That 's what we do . Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for . 1 . You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done . Not both . If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself . 1 . The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out . Get over it . And quit whining to your girlfriends . 1 . We are not mind readers and we never will be . Our lack of mind - reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you . 1 . If we ask what is wrong and you say " nothing , " we will act like nothing 's wrong . We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle . COPIER - female , because once turned off , it takes a while to warm up . Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed . Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed . REMOTE CONTROL - female . . . Ha ! You thought I 'd say male . But consider . . . . it gives a man pleasure , he 'd be lost without it , and while he doesn 't always know the right buttons to push , he keeps trying . Mr . Smith goes to the doctor 's office to collect his wife 's test results . The lab technician says to him , " I 'm sorry , sir , but there has been a bit of a mix - up and we have a problem . When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab , the samples from another Mrs . Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife 's . Frankly , it is either bad or terrible ! " " B . C . Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town . If she finds her way home , don 't sleep with her . " Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives . Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail ? Imagine praying and hearing the following : I am sorry , all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now . However , your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received . Please stay on the line . Pass this on if you wish to brighten some one 's day Dear Editor - I am 8 years old . Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus . Papa says , If you see it in The Sun , it 's so . Please tell me the truth , is there a Santa Claus ? Virginia , your little friends are wrong . They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age . They do not believe except they see . They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds . All minds , Virginia , whether they be men 's or children 's , are little . In this great universe of ours , man is a mere insect , an ant , in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him , as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge . Yes , Virginia , there is a Santa Claus . He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist , and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy . Alas ! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus ! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias . There would be no childlike faith then , no poetry , no romance to make tolerable this existence . We should have no enjoyment , except in sense and sight . The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished . Not believe in Santa Claus ! You might as well not believe in fairies . You might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus , but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down , what would that prove ? Nobody sees Santa Claus , but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus . The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see . Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn ? Of course not , but that 's no proof that they are not there . Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world . You tear apart the baby 's rattle and see what makes the noise inside , but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man , nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart . Only faith , poetry , love romance , can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond . Is it all real ? Ah , Virginia , in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding . No Santa Claus ! Thank God ! he lives and lives forever . A thousand years from now , Virginia , nay 10 times 10 , 000 years from now , he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood . It happened in New York City , where a century ago a Dr . Philip O ' Hanlon , coroner 's assistant , came face - to - face with a minor family crisis . In 1897 , O ' Hanlon 's daughter - his only child - came to him in some confusion . She 'd been talking to her friends , and what she heard from those friends worried her . Could her father help her out ? He did what any father would do under the circumstances : He passed the buck . He suggested she write a letter to the newspaper instead - to The Sun . They 'd have an answer she could rely on , he told her . Now , working at The Sun at that time was a man named Francis Pharcellus Church . He 'd been a Civil War correspondent for The New York Times , editor of The Army and Navy Journal , editor of Galaxy literary magazine . He 'd been with The Sun for 20 years , and in 1897 , he was : an editorial writer . When Church 's boss gave him O ' Hanlon 's letter , Church was not a happy man . He bristled , the boss later reported . He pooh - poohed . And I can 't really blame him ; editorial writers have better things to do with their time - or so I 'm told - than responding to letters from eight - year - olds . It was no big deal . In fact , the day it ran , it was the seventh editorial on the page - after editorials on state and local and regional politics , on British naval strength in the Atlantic , on plans for a Canadian railroad to help bring back gold from the Yukon . Even after an editorial on a newfangled chainlessï ¿½ bicycle . When you occasionally have a really bad day , and you just need to take it out on someone , don 't take it out on someone you know , take it out on someone you don 't know . I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make . I found the number and dialed it . A man answered , saying , " Hello " . I politely said , " This is Fred Hanifin . Could I please speak with Robin Carter ? " Suddenly , the phone was slammed down on me . I couldn 't believe that anyone could be so rude . I tracked down Robin 's correct number and called her . I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number . After hanging up with her , I decided to call the ' wrong ' number again . When the same guy answered the phone , I yelled , " You 're an asshole ! " and hung up . I wrote his number down with the word ' ass ! hole ' next to it , and put it in my desk drawer . Every couple of weeks , when I was paying bills or had a really bad day , I 'd call him up and yell , " You 're an asshole ! " When Caller ID came to our area , I thought my therapeutic ' asshole ' calling would have to stop . So , I called his number and said , " Hi , this is John Smith from the Telephone Company . I 'm just calling to see if you 're familiar with the Caller ID program ? " He yelled , " NO ! " and slammed the phone down . I quickly called him back and said , " That 's because you 're an asshole ! " One day I was at the store , getting ready to pull into a parking spot . Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for . I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot . The idiot ignored me . I noticed a " For Sale " sign in his ! car window - so , I wrote down his number . " Yes , it is . " " Can you tell me where I can see it ? " " Yes . I live at 1802 West 34th Street . It 's a yellow house , and the car 's parked right out in front . " " What 's your name ? " I asked . " Don , you 're an asshole . " Then I hung up , and added his number to my speed dial , too . Now , when I had a problem , I had two assholes to call . In the beginning , God created the earth and rested . Then God created Man and rested . Then God created Woman . Since then , neither God nor Man has rested . Johnny 's family to come over and see their new baby . Little Johnny 's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby . So , little Johnny 's dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors . The mother , who had braced herself for Johnny 's comment , was pleasantly surprised and said , " Thank you very much , little Johnny . " He then said , " This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet . Why , just look at his pretty little eyes ! Did his doctor say he can see good ? " From me ( " the wishor " ) to you ( " the wishee " ) Please accept without obligation , implied or implicit , our best wishes for an environmentally conscious , socially responsible , politically correct , low stress , non - addictive , gender neutral , celebration of the summer solstice holiday , practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , or secular practices of your choice , with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others , or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . We wish you a financially successful , personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002 , but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects , and having regard to the race , creed , colour , age , physical ability , religious faith , choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee . By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that : - This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal . This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged . This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings , for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting , whichever comes first . The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor . Any references in this greeting to " the Lord " , " Father Christmas " , " Our Saviour " , " Rudolph the red nosed reindeer " or any other festive figures , whether actual or fictitious , dead or alive , shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting , and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged . How To Become Australian A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai . Wanting his own space , he buys a small piece of land near the outback . A few days after moving in , the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region . Lawyers . . . . A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues . As he 's getting out of the car , a semi - trailer comes flying along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before speeding off . Distraught , the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the cops . Five minutes later , the police arrive . Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions , the lawyer starts screaming hysterically : " My Porsche , my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined . No matter how long it 's at the panel beaters it 'll simply never be the same again ! " I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear tree . What a delightful romantic gift . Thank you my darling for the lovely thought . With deep affection , What a surprise , today the postman delivered five golden rings . One for every finger . You really are an impossible boy , but I love you . Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves . When I opened the door this morning , there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step . What on earth do you think I can do with them all ? The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell , and I can 't sleep because of the noise ! Please stop . What is it with you and these fucking birds ? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place ! Is it some sort of god damned joke ? The house is full of bird shit , and the racket ! ! ! I am becoming a nervous wreck . It is not funny anymore , stop sending these fucking birds ! ! ! OK buster , I think I prefer the birds . What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking ? Its not enough with all the birds , now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long . FUCK OFF ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Look dick head - what are you on ? ? ? You mentalist . Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly ! ! ! And Christ do they play . . . . When they aren 't playing their sodding pipes , they keep chasing the maids through the cow shit . The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking birds ! ! ! The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted . You are a fucking bastard ! ! ! ! Now we have ten ladies dancing . How on earth anyone can call these whores " ladies " is beyond me , they 're pulling the pipers all night long ! ! ! ! ! The cows cant sleep and now have diarrhoea . My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation . FUCK OFF AND DIE JOHN ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows , the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy . I hope you 're satisfied - you bastard . Your sworn enemy , Agnes . You stinking lousy shit ! ! ! ! Twelve fucking drummers , banging their fucking drums all day long ! ! ! ! They have teamed up with the pipers , making one hell of a noise , both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids ? They 've probably drowned in the cow shit byn ow . The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the fucking pear tree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof ! ! ! ! ! This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner . This won first prize . Christmas with Louise as a joke , my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas . He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them . What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning , although Jay 's kids ' stockings were overflowed , his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty . One year I decided to make his dream come true . I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll . They don 't sell those things at Walmart . I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown . If you 've never been in an X - rated store , don 't go . You 'll only confuse yourself . I was there an hour saying things like , " What does this do ! ? " " You 're kidding me ! " " Who would buy that ? " Finally , I made it to the inflatable doll section . I wanted to buy a standard , uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour . Finding what I wanted was difficult . Love dolls come in many different models . The top of the line , according to the side of the box , could do things I 'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry . I settled for " Lovable Louise . " She was at the bottom of the price scale . To call Louise a " doll " took a huge leap of imagination . On Christmas Eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump , Louise came to life . My sister - in - law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours , long after Santa had come and gone , I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise 's pliant legs and bottom . I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray . I went home , and giggled for a couple of hours . The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused . She would park , start to walk away , then come back and bark some more . We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner . My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door . " What the hell is that ? " she asked . My brother quickly explained , " It 's a doll . " " Who would play with something like that ? " Granny snapped . I had several candidates in mind , but kept my mouth shut . " Where are her clothes ? " , Granny continued . It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying , " Hang on Granny , Hang ! on ! " My grandfather , a delightful old man with poor eyesight , sidled up to me and said , " Hey , who 's the naked gal by the fireplace ? " I told him she was Jay 's friend . A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel , talking to Louise . Not just talking , but actually flirting . It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa 's last Christmas at home . The dinner went well . We made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying , and who should be killed , when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning . Then she lurched from the panty hose , flew around the room twice , and fell in a heap in front of the sofa . The cat screamed . I passed cranberry sauce through my nose , and Grandpa ran across the room , fell to his knees , and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation . My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin , stomped out of the room , and sat in the car . It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember . We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh . Fortunately , thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health . Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies . I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house . " I 'm too smart for the first - grade . My sister is in the third - grade and I 'm smarter than she is ! I think I should be in the third - grade too ! " Ms Brooks : A finger goes in me . You fiddle with me when you 're bored . The best man always has me first . The Principal was looking restless and bit tense . The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert . They 've set up their tent , and they have fallen asleep . Some hours later , The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend , saying " Tonto , look up at the sky and tell me what you see . " Tonto replies , " I see millions of stars Kemo Sabi . " LEAST WE FORGET . . . . " THE STRANGER There was a man at Christmas time who looked so out of place , As people rushed about him at a hurried sort of pace . He stared at all the Christmas lights , the tinsel everywhere . The shopping center Santa Claus ' with children gathered near . " I 'd like to know what 's going on , " the man was heard to say , " There seems to be some sort of celebration on the way . And would you tell me who this is all dressed in red and white ? And why are children asking him about a special night ? " The answer came in disbelief , " I can 't believe my ears ! I can 't believe you do not know that Christmas time is here ! The time when Santa comes around with gifts for girls and boys . When they 're asleep on Christmas eve , he brings them books and toys ! " " The man you see in red and white is Santa Claus so sly . The children love his joyful laugh and the twinkle in his eye . They learn to love this jolly man while they are still quite small . When Christmas comes , he is the most important one of all ! " The stranger hung His head in shame , he looked at nail - pierced hands . His body shook in disbelief , t ' was not as He had planned . A shadow crossed His stricken face , His voice was low but clear . " After all these years they still don 't know . " And Jesus shed a tear CHOOSING HYMNS One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money , and he asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate . He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns . After the offering plates were passed , the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $ 1 , 000 bill in offering . He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he 'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate . A very quiet , elderly , saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand . The pastor asked her to come to the front . There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising . Suddenly a cell phone that is on one of the benches rings . A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues : " Hello ? " " Honey , It 's me . Are you at the club ? " Yes . " Great ! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are . I saw a beautiful mink coat . . . It is absolutely gorgeous ! ! Can I buy it ? " " What 's the price ? " " Only $ 1 , 500 . 00 " " Well , OK , go ahead and get , if you like it that much . . . " " Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models . I saw one I really liked . I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price . . . and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year . . . " " What price did he quote you ? " " Only $ 60 , 000 . . . " " OK , but for that price I want it with all the options . " " What ? " " It might look like a lot , but I was reconciling your bank account and . . . I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year . It 's on sale ! Remember ? The one with a pool , English Garden , acre of park area , beachfront property . . . " " How much are they asking ? " " Only $ 450 , 000 . . . a magnificent price , and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover . . . " " Well , than go ahead and buy it , but just bid $ 420 , 000 . OK ? " " OK , sweetie . . . Thanks ! I 'll see you later ! ! Not long ago and far away , Santa was getting ready for his annual trip . . . but there were problems everywhere . Four of his elves got sick , and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule . Then Mrs . Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit . This stressed Santa even more . When he went to harness the reindeer , he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out , heaven knows where . More Stress . Then when he began to load the sleigh , one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys . Totally frustrated , Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey . When he went to the cupboard , he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink . In his frustration , he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor . He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from . Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door . He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree . The angel said : " Where would you like to put this tree fat man ? " And that my friend , is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree ! ! ! A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party . She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone . He being a devoted husband , protested , but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed , and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going . So he took his costume and away he went . The wife , after sleeping soundly for one hour , awakened without pain , and as it was still early , she decided to go to the party . In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was , she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him . She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor , dancing with every nice chick he could , and having a little kiss here and a little kiss there . His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself , he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived . She let him go as far as he wished ; naturally , since he was her husband . Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed , so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang . Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed , wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior . She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had . He said , " Oh , the same old thing . You know I never have a good time when you 're not there . " Then she asked , " Did you dance much ? " He replied , " I 'll tell you , I never even danced one dance . When I got there , I met Pete , Bill Brown and some other guys , so we went into the den and played poker all evening . A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year - olds , " What does love mean ? " The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined . See what you think : - " When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn 't bend over and paint her toenails anymore . So my grandfather does it for her all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too . That 's love . " " Love is when someone hurts you . And you get so mad but you don 't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings . " " Love is what makes you smile when you 're tired . " " Love is when you kiss all the time . Then when you get tired of kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more . My mommy and Daddy are like that . They look gross when they kiss . " " If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate . " " When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you 're scared they won 't love you anymore . But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you , they love you even more . " " During my piano recital , I was on a stage and scared . I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling . He was the only one doing that . I wasn 't scared anymore . " " You really shouldn 't say ' I love you ' unless you mean it . But if you mean it , you should say it a lot . People forget . " A man walks into a drug store with his 8 - year old son . They happen to walk by the condom display , and the boy asks , " What are these , Dad ? To which the man matter - of - factly replies , " Those are called condoms , son . . . . Men use them to have safe sex . " Oh I see . " replied the boys pensively . " Yes , I 've heard of that in health class at school . " He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks , " Why are there 3 in this package . " The man who had spoken took off his hood , looked at the preacher and said " Okay Pastor , I got rid of all the hypocrites . Now you may begin your service . Have a nice day ! " Stupid 1 . I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly . I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the Internet , and they asked for a credit card number , so she was using the ATM " thingy . " 3 . I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car . " Do you need some help ? " I asked . She replied , " I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker . Now I can 't get into my car . Do you think that convenience store would have a battery for it ? " " Hmmm , I dunno , but let me see your key ring for a second . " As I took the key and manually unlocked the door , I replied , " Why don 't you drive over there and check about the batteries . . . it 's a long walk . " 5 . Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift . One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said , " I 'm almost out of typing paper . What do I do ? " " Just use copier machine paper , " she told him . With that , the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper , put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies . 6 . One of our servers crashed . I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it . He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named " i386 . " He started to type it and paused , asking me , " Where 's the key for that line thingy ? , you know , the one that looks like an upside down exclamation mark . " I replied , " You mean the letter " i ? " . . . and he said , " Yeah , that 's it ! " 7 . I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage . The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in " Twister . " I asked the manager what had happened . He told me that the driver had set the cruise control , and had then gone back to make himself a sandwich . 8 . When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car , we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it . We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver 's side door . I instinctively tried the door handle on the passenger 's side and discovered it was open . " Hey , " I announced to the technician , " It 's open ! " " I know , " answered the young man . " I already got that side . . . I 'll have the driver 's door open in just another couple of minutes . " - Miss Bea was in her eighties , and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all . The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring , and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor . She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea . As he sat facing her old pump organ , the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it , filled with water . In the water floated , of all things , a condom . Miss Bea brought in tea and cookies , they began to chat . The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater , but soon it got the better of him , and he could resist no longer . " Miss Bea , " he said , " I wonder if you would tell me about this ? " ( pointing to the bowl ) . " Oh , yes , " she replied , " isn 't it wonderful ? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package . The directions said to put it on the organ , keep it wet , and it would prevent disease . And you know . . . I haven 't had a cold all winter . " They lived in a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy . One day , while they were playing near the farm 's pond , the horse stepped into quicksand . It rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend the chicken to save him . The chicken thought for a minute , then ran away . He ran back to the farmhouse , and jumped into the farmer 's BMW . Luckily , the keys were in the ignition , and the chicken managed to start the car and put it in gear . It raced over to the sinkhole , where the horse had almost disappeared by now . The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse . It then hopped back in the driver 's seat and stepped on the gas . Ever so slowly , the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety . The horse , still on shaky legs , stuttered : " You just saved my life . " Thank you ! " The chicken just said , " Don 't mention it - They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard . A few days later , the horse got up from a good night 's rest , and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard . He followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene . There was his best friend , the chicken , stuck in quicksand ! The chicken was already up to his neck - feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped . The horse took a quick look around : No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW . What to do ? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole . His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken . " Here , my friend , grab my penis and I will pull you to safety ! " With its last bit of energy , the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse - thingy and the horse straightened its body , pulling the chicken from its trap . With one big step , both were on solid ground and safe . Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom . The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur 's youthful happiness . So he offered him freedom , as long as he could answer a very difficult question . Arthur , would have a year to figure out the answer . If , after a year , he still had no answer , he would be killed . The question was : What do women really want ? He had never run across such a repugnant creature . He refused to force his friend to marry her and to have to endure such a burden . Gawain upon learning of the proposal , spoke with Arthur . He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur 's life and the preservation of the Round table . Hence , their wedding was proclaimed , and the witch answered Arthur 's question . What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life . Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur 's life would be spared . And so it went . The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur 's life and granted him total freedom . The wedding night approached : Gawain , steeling himself for a horrific night , entered the bedroom . What a sight awaited ! The most beautiful woman he 'd ever seen lay before him ! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened . The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she 'd been a witch , half the time she would be her horrible , deformed self . And the other half , she would be her beautiful maiden self . Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night ? What a cruel question ! Gawain began to think of his predicament . During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends , but at night , in the privacy of his home , an old spooky witch ? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch , but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments ? A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost . He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below . He descended a bit more and shouted , " Excuse me , can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago , but I don 't know where I am . " The woman below replied , " You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground . You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude . " " You must be a programmer , " said the balloonist . " I am , " replied the woman , " How did you know ? " " Well , " answered the balloonist , " everything you told me is technically correct , but I have no idea what to make of your information , and the fact is I am still lost . Frankly , you 've not been much help so far . Be Yourself ! A man was complaining , " Oh Lord , please have mercy on me , I work so hard , meanwhile my wife stays at home . I would give anything if you would grant me one wish ' switch me into my wife ' she 's got it easy at home . I want to teach her a lesson of how tough a man 's life is . " As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his wish . Next morning the ' new woman ' wakes up at dawn , makes lunch boxes , prepares breakfast , wakes up the kids for school , puts a load of clothes in the washer , takes the meat out of the freezer , drives the kids to school , on his way back stop at the gas station , cashes a check , pays the electricity and phone bills , picks up some clothes from the cleaners , quickly goes to the market . It was 1 : 00 o ' clock already , he made the beds , took the clothes out of the washer and put another load in , he vacuumed the house , made some rice , went to pick up the kids from school and then had an argument with the kids . As soon as he got home he fed the kids , washed the dirty dishes , he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs because it was raining outside . He helped the kids with their homework , watched some TV while he ironed some clothes , prepared dinner , he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep . At 9 : 00 p . m . he was so tired and he went to bed . Of course there was some more duties and somehow he managed to get them done and finally fell asleep . The next morning he prays to God once again , " Oh Lord , what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish , I can 't take it anymore . I beg you please switch me back to myself , please oh please . " Then he heard God 's voice speaking to him , saying , " Dear son , of course I 'll switch you back into yourself but there 's one minor detail , you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant . " If you receive an email entitled " Badtimes , " delete it immediately . Do not open it . Apparently this one is pretty nasty . It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye . It will rewrite your backup files , changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings , which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences . If the " Badtimes " message is opened in a Windows95 / 98 environment , it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub . The new Pope was having a shower . Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules , he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist , and this was one of these occasions . Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air . " Hold on a minute " said the Pope . " You can 't do that . You 'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church . " . " This picture is my lottery win " said the photographer . " I 'll be financially secure for life . " million quid . The Pope then dried himself off , and headed off with his new camera . He met his housekeeper , who spotted the camera . " That looks like a really good camera , " she said , " how much did it cost you ? " " Two million quid " replied the Pope . " TWO MILLION QUID ! " said the housekeeper . . . " They must have seen you coming . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " Here are some viruses to look out for . Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc though out the national system . Beware of . . . |
FARK . com : ( 3985541 ) Annual " Tell your true spooky \ creepy stories " thread . Happy Halloween , voting enabled for scariest Do you have adblock enabled ? Don 't Like Ads ? Try BareFark @ atomsmoosheri know , i 'm sorry , but I thought it qualified because I was totally terrified , and also a dumbass ( which farkers appreciate ) . my other one is this , it ends better : In university my dorm room was in a a 19th century mansion converted into university residence . Stories about it included a female apparition that would appear if a woman was in trouble , a third floor poltergeist , and a basement where a rapist once hid and attacked a young girl while she went to change her laundry . One night in November a bunch of us were sat in the big dorm room on the main floor having some beers . The doorbell rang , and I went to answer it , and an older lady , maybe 50ish in very normal clothes was there and said " hello , I 'm here to meet some friends of mine . " there were only 16 rooms in the place , and we were almost all in the dorm room just down the hall . " Who 's that ? " I asked . " Well , they 're in the basement , can I just come in and see them ? " I was a little wary , because the administration drilled into us that under no circumstance should we let anyone in that we didn 't know . So I went to get our Residence Don , and he arrived and she repeated the question , and he said so , there was no one downstairs . Finally , she admitted that " well , i 'm not sure if they are in the basement yet , because you see , they 're tunneling up from that building at the bottom of the hill . " The don and I looked at each other and he said " alright c ' mon in we 'll go check the basement for your friends . " So the three of us went downstairs . She poked around for a bit then asked if we had a key to the locked storage room . The don opened it and she walked in , wandered around and started moving things that were blocking her view of the walls . We were pretty amused by the crazy lady , until she started pushing some big furniture that hadn 't been moved in years , and was covered in dirt and dust and boxes of old books . The don said " that 's enough " and she ignored us and kept on moving crap out of the way until she shoved aside some old sheets of wood or something aOne Girl Two Cups 2008 - 10 - 31 04 : 10 : 50 PM JohDHJ : Weird , my first apartment in Houston was near the Medical Center , and it was also a converted hospital . But . . . The oddest thing I ever heard was the steady " thump thump thump . . . " of the neighbors going at it . Hmm . . . I think your old neighbors moved next door to me right before I moved out of Lofts at the Ballpark . My first night working at a movie theater , I saw a ghost in one of the empty theaters I was supposed to clean . ( Stop reading here if you don 't want a complete Tolstoy . ) I started working at the old theater three weeks ago , and one of my first jobs was to clean up Theater One after the crowd had left . I noticed someone was still there , though , so I waved , thinking it was just a person who hadn 't left . It was a handsome guy , maybe early - twenties , in a sailor 's uniform , the white kind like in old movies . Apart from being ever - so - slightly see - through , he seemed okay , and for a second I thought it was just some guy in a costume . ( Then I really looked and got a bit nervous . ) I wasn 't extremely scared and he didn 't seem very offputting , plus the other employees had warned me there were some spooky things in that old theater , so I waved again and went on with my sweeping , figuring the ghost would either do something , go away , or turn out to be a first - night prank on the new girl . ( The theater was built sometime in the Thirties , so just about anything was possible . ) The sailor started to wave back to me , but then stopped , as if he thought I was someone else . It looked like he was waiting for someone . Finally , the third time I came back into that theater to clean ( had to go get some Gum - Off and then more trash bags , ) I finally got up the nerve to say " Hi " to the see - through sailor . So I did . " . . . I 'm sorry . . . have you seen a girl come in tonight by herself ? " " . . . I don 't think so . . . " " It 's . . . it 's my last night . . . she 's late . " All of a sudden , I stopped being quite so scared . Ghost or not , this guy had been stood up by some dumbass chick , and , being the sort of girl who 's usually ' one of the guys , ' I suppose I was more inclined to sympathize than get nervous over a little thing like sailor - guy 's being perhaps a little more posthumous than my other friends . " She 's supposed to come down from Mount Morris this evening . " Mount Morris is a town about ten or fifteen miles north of the place where my theater is , so I shrugged and gave Sailovivin 2008 - 10 - 31 04 : 12 : 38 PM I 've never experienced any scary or unexplained occurrences , but my dad has . My dad 's a pretty skeptical person , but this is a story that he can 't explain . It happened when he was in college . He had come back during one of his vacations . His bedroom was on the top floor ( of the home my grand - dad built in India ) . One morning he woke up to hear a woman yelling and screaming . She was saying something like " Save my son , he 's drowning " . My dad ran over the balcony . Outside the compound wall of our house , facing away from his bedroom was a pond . There seemed to be someone in the pond , and a lady standing on bank of the pond yelling . My dad jumped down from the balcony , clambered over the wall and jumped into the pond . He was able to drag the person out but he could already tell that the person was dead . The person that my dad dragged out of the pond actually turned out to be someone he knew . This guy actually lived close to my dad 's house and everyone in the town ( my hometown is really small , a village , actually ) knew him . He was a friendly kid , but seemed to suffer from some form of autism . Apparently it turned out that he had gone to the pond to get some water for his mom . The pond has rock steps cut into the side and being the rainy season , the steps were slippery . He slipped and hit his head and was knocked unconscious . That was apparently how he drowned . After all the formalities ( police report and such ) , the death was ruled accidental . For many months after that , my dad said that when he went to bed and closed his eyes , he would see the image of the guy that died sitting at the foot of the bed , smiling at talking to him . The image didn 't seem malevolent or anything . Then suddenly the images stopped . He never told anyone this was happening . After he came back on his next vacation , my aunt asked my dad if there was a ghost following him or anything . My dad laughed and asked her why she asked him that . Apparently , a few days after my dad had left this old lady had come up to their house . There are these people who roamatomsmoosher 2008 - 10 - 31 04 : 14 : 01 PM dudebun : @ atomsmoosheri know , i 'm sorry , but I thought it qualified because I was totally terrified , and also a dumbass ( which farkers appreciate ) . No , ya got me wrong . I thought yours was the best story yet . I great setup and a perfect comedic ending . Lord Dimwit : I was born in Rosewood General Hospital . Damn . Cool . I 've had other people in the apartments say that they came to the hospital for various reasons before moving into the apartments that took over that area . Ok , my parents swear that this is true . When I was a newborn child and my parents were young , we lived in a small house out in the country . One night my mom awoke to the site of a woman sitting at the foot of their bed . She didn 't appear ghostly , but more like a real woman . She was wearing a long flowing nightgown and had long wavy brown hair . It startled my mother but for some reason she couldn 't seem to make much of a sound . The woman then proceeded to stand up and walk out of the room . My mother jumped up and quickly ran after her . The woman walked through my open nursery door and up to my crib . She reached down with one hand at let forth a ghostly giggle . My mom freaked and ran toward this woman who up and vanished , not dematerialized , simply vanished . My mother quickly checked on me and instantly began to question her sanity . She accredited it to some sort of post pardom depression . A few nights later , it happened again , the exact same way . My mom than began to realize that she had something a little more supernatural on her hands . She wanted to tell my dad , but being the skeptic he was , she figured he would laugh it off and call her crazy . About a week later , my mother woke up to the sound of my dad jumping out of bed and quickly fleeing the room . She got up and gave chase after him , only to find him standing in my room with a very puzzled look on his face . " You saw her didn 't you ? " my mother asked . My dad was quite frantic realizing what he had just seen . Weeks and months went by , and the woman still made appearances . My parents had long ago come to the conclusion that this woman had no intent of harming anyone , but seem to have a connection to me . As if she was a woman who had once lost a child and just loved spending the nights watching me sleep . A year had passed and parents decided to move out of the house ( they were renting it ) . They needed something bigger because the were about to start trying for another child . A friend of my father 's was looking for a place to rent , and decided to move into our vacanecho5juliet 2008 - 10 - 31 04 : 22 : 53 PM Jonesy Boogiemanecho5juliet : . . . passing through Amboy , CA . . . . I will never know what would have happened to me had I gotten out of the car to check on the bodies or stopped my car closer to them . Somehow I do not think it would have been good . Sometimes real life can be scarier than a movie . Man , this is the best story I 've read yet . I can 't imagine what I would 've done in that situation . I 'd probably hesitate at the 100 feet stop point before the " accident " trying to decide if I should see if they need help , or if I should go through and call from somewhere . And I imagine the 20 or so people in the tall grass would be slowly making their way towards me and my wife . . . shiat ! You can 't imagine . . Rapidfire of hundreds of " what ifs " going through your head . I second guessed myself a dozen times . Being torn between being a Marine and wanting to help but having a gut feeling that something was wrong . The worst was feeling trapped . The road had no shoulder on either side and a quick u - turn was impossible . I would have had to perform a three point turn , including backuing up and I thought that if it were a setup that attempting the uturn would be risky . Needless to say , I 'd rather sit through a Saw movie marathon than go through that situation again . And being scared witless is broad daylight is weird too . I am an extremely vivid dreamer . I average around 5 dreams a week and most of those I would consider lucid dreams . Now , having said that , I have never EVER had a dream where I was visited by a ghost . That is until three months ago . The back story is too long to get into here , but basically , my 94 year old grandmother , whom I was extremely close with , died a few months ago . I had flown home to New Orleans to visit her during her last days in the hospital . As you could expect , it was extremely emotional for me and my family . One night , while my parents and I were leaving the hospital , I spoke to my grandmother in my head , telling her that I loved her and that I 'd hoped she wasn 't in any pain . I ended my thought with a request , asking for her to give me a sign if she could actually hear me in any way . As soon as I thought that , the parking lot light flickered . Now , obviously , you can explain that away easily as an electrical shortage . But , I chose to take it as her way of saying hello . After returning to a Los Angeles a few days later , she passed in her sleep . Again , quite emotional . Finally , a few days later I was having a dream : My wife and I were driving down the street in my car . Out of my side window , I noticed my family sitting together in the grass planting a small tree . It was my father , my mother , my sister and myself . Only , we were all about twenty years younger . I was six or so , etc . I turned to my wife and said " Kristen , look ! It 's my family ! " She said , " Yeah , I know ! " We kept driving and a little ways down the road , there was my family again . Only now , we were about ten years older than the first . Plus , the tree had grown a bit . I said , " There we are again ! Only older ! " A little further down , and there were the four of us as we are today standing by a bigger tree . And then just past that , I saw my grandmother . She was standing there , smiling and waving at us . She was looking right at us and waving . I said " There 's granna ! " And then I woke up in tears . I couldn 't help crying . I 'm a sensitive dude , but I 've Giblet 2008 - 10 - 31 04 : 43 : 55 PM My story : I 'll preface this with : I am a huge skeptic and when it comes to religious " flavor " I identify myself as a Discordian / FSM devotee , ironically of course . or not ? : ) Anyway , 10 years ago , when my husband and I were 17 , I got into a huge fight with my parents because our water and heat was shut off , and I was not going to stay in a janky ass house and not be able to bathe , and be cold . We were poor okay , STFU . I went to stay at my boyfriend 's ( now husband ) parents house . This was a week before Christmas 1998 . Every night when I came home from work , I would see a blue light coming from next to their bathroom door and next to my husbands sister 's room . My boyfriend was still at work , and I was hanging out with his siblings . I started seeing the blue light more frequently , and then saw a young child in the light , bathed in blue . He would stand there and point at the sister 's room . My husbands sister was 12 years old at the time , and autistic . She also saw the " blue baby " I would make my brother in law , or sister in law go upstairs with me and stand outside the bathroom , I was so freaked out . Nobody knew what the hell was going on , and thought that me and Krissy were lying . 2 days before Christmas , at 5 o ' clock in the morning , I woke up to my father in law screaming " FIRE ! GET OUT " The whole house was on fire . In the confusion , my husband jumped out a window , but me and his brother ran down the stairs and out to the front door . The door handle was so hot that Joey burnt his hand unlocking it . I got outside and Butch ( my hubby ) 's mom was on the roof , and Butch 's dad and sister were no where to be found . The firefighters restrained us and would not let us in to get them . I also was butt naked with a sheet , in the middle of winter . They make me and Butch and Joey get into the ambulance . We get to the hospital and the doctors tell us that Butch 's dad is about 75 % 2nd and 3rd degree burns down his back , and that Krissy is dead . What happened was he grabbed Krissy at the top of the stairs and she would not go anywhere , sheblueeyedjess 2008 - 10 - 31 04 : 55 : 21 PM Grew up in a " haunted house " in the big city of Pooler , Georgia ( out side Savannah ) . For any of you who know the area , this was before the interstate came through so it was a tiny , tiny town with 4 cops on duty and a Tastee Freeze to eat at . Nothing else . The house was 100 years old when I lived there and before it was built it the maids quaters for the old plantation in the area sat in the same spot . Often times the radio and tv would come on and go off by themselves , lights would flicker , and doors would open and close . Pretty normal around the house . We just lived with it . The most interesting time was when we left for a week . My dad took us to Indiana for some reason or another and when we got back my desk was pushed against my door . It took a while , but once we got the door open we realized there was no one in the room , which should have been impossible because the windows were nailed shut and the desk was blocking the door ( had to knock the desk over to get in ) . Now , I dont really have any ghost experiences , but something that always creeped me out is something that happens to me occasionally . It 's like Deja vu , sort of . Instead of remembering something that happened a while ago thats almost exactly like whats going on now and going " oh hey , deja vu ! " , its like having memories of doing something before you do it . Example : In my last year of high school , I took a advanced calc class ( trying for college credits , blew up in my face , a story for another time ) . I had the deja vu feeling in the middle of one of the teachers lectures . A really intense feeling of " This has happened before " . Might not sound creepy to you , but it feels weird each time / Cant describe it right / / Cant wait for the " John dies at the end " thing at midnight Not particularly scary , but worth a shot . . . My friend 's two year old will occasionally talk to the corner of his room . When asked who he 's talking to , he invariably says " The Man . " Once when I was visiting , he began to wave at the to the living room , where no one was sitting . " Hey , who are you waving to ? " " The Man ! " His mother does NOT like this answer and says " Honey , there 's no one there ! " When I asked if the Man were nice , he emphatically said " NO ! " Then we changed the subject . Not nearly as scary as some of these , so no voting . Ok I 've got 2 one to prove sometimes its all in your head and one to prove that sometimes its not : My husband told me a story about when he had just turned ten he noticed one night a glowing green orb that he could see just outside his bedroom window when he was laying in bed . The first night he noticed it was halloween night so of course it creeped him out the next night it was still there and he started getting really worried . By the third night he literally couldn 't fall asleep this light outside the window was scaring him so badly so he called his mom in . She flipped on the light to the bedroom and they got up and looked out the window . Of course there was nothing there . She left turned off the light and told him to go to sleep and stopping being such a baby . As soon as she left the light came back . he spent most of the night petrified just staring at this odd green light until aroun 3 in the morning when his cat jumped up on the window sill and noticed that the light was very faint but he could just make out a circle of green light on the cat . That 's when he put two and two together . His birthday is on the 29th of October . He got a clock radio as one of his presents and it had a green glow in the dark clock face on it . The light from this was reflecting in the window and causing the mysterious glowing green orb to appear out of his window . Unless of course the lights in the room are on becdause then its too dim to be scene hence why his mom thought he was crazy . So scary mystery solved . I 'll put part two in the next post Does ANYBODY remember the old cable boxes , they were a pale yellow - ish color and there was a white dial that zipped left and right from 0 to 99 , manually , so there was no remote , you 'd have to get up and zip the channel to change it ? ( and the TV itself was always set to channel 3 ? ) It looked vaguely like a keyboard ( the musical kind ) with the white dial . I tried to GIS for these damn things but nothing comes up ! Anyway , when you slid it across the numbers to get what channel you wanted , it made a zzzzzzzzzip sound , like running a coin across a washboard . Well , we had one of those on our downstairs TV back in the ' 90s , and my dad never told us this when we were kids , but he said on several occasions , in the middle of the night , he 'd wake up ( upstairs ) and swear he could hear the sound of it downstairs zipping left and right repeatedly , then stop after a few seconds of it . I know , cable boxes aren 't exactly a scary subject , but that 's what happened . It was a dark evening . The woman was heading home on unfamiliar roads . Her husband , the businessman was probably waiting at home , angry that his dinner wasn 't ready . He boyfriend , the artist , was miles behind but their romantic interlude was still fresh in her mind . She had to get home . Make up a dinner and a story about where she was . What did he care ? He was all business and golf anyways . It was even money that he would stroke out in the conference room or the golf course . On that day , things would finally be perfect . Maybe a house on the beach with her boyfriend the artist . Maybe no steady boyfriend , you know ? No strings ever . She cursed to herself that she had taken this unfamiliar road . It should cut the commute down but she had never driven it before . As she came around a corner , the headlights picked up a guy standing on the side of the road . A hitchhiker . Some bum with matted hair and a cardboard sign . As her headlights lit him up , he raised the sign and yelled " Ride ? Ride Please ? " She drove on . Moments later , she rounded a corner and there was another hitchiker . Strange , he looked like the first one . Same matted hair , raincoat and a big cardboard sign . She made eye contact with the guy . His eyes lit up . " Ride Lady ? Hey ! " She locked the doors and drove on . Weird two hitchhikers who looked almost exactly the same . She rounded a corner and there was yet another hitchhiker . What is going on , she thought . She looked at this one . He looked exactly like the first two . This one though started to laugh . A menacing , loud laugh . She drove on . She was getting scared . She rounded a corner and there HE was again . The same guy . The hitchhiker with the matted hair and the rain coat and the huge cardboard sign . He was laughing just like the last one but now he pointed at her ! Laughing at her . His eyes glowed , glowed in her headlights . She drove on faster . Wishing she had never taken this route . She almost expected to see the hitchhiker as she rounded the corner and of course , there he was . Laughing and pointing yelling out betwJonesy Boogieman 2008 - 10 - 31 05 : 17 : 03 PM echo5juliet : Jonesy Boogiemanecho5juliet : . . . passing through Amboy , CA . . . . I will never know what would have happened to me had I gotten out of the car to check on the bodies or stopped my car closer to them . Somehow I do not think it would have been good . Sometimes real life can be scarier than a movie . Man , this is the best story I 've read yet . I can 't imagine what I would 've done in that situation . I 'd probably hesitate at the 100 feet stop point before the " accident " trying to decide if I should see if they need help , or if I should go through and call from somewhere . And I imagine the 20 or so people in the tall grass would be slowly making their way towards me and my wife . . . shiat ! You can 't imagine . . Rapidfire of hundreds of " what ifs " going through your head . I second guessed myself a dozen times . Being torn between being a Marine and wanting to help but having a gut feeling that something was wrong . The worst was feeling trapped . The road had no shoulder on either side and a quick u - turn was impossible . I would have had to perform a three point turn , including backuing up and I thought that if it were a setup that attempting the uturn would be risky . Needless to say , I 'd rather sit through a Saw movie marathon than go through that situation again . And being scared witless is broad daylight is weird too . Did you stop after passing the " accident " to test and see if it was a trap / ambush , or because you second guessed yourself and thought about going back to check on them ? Man , good thing your instincts were with you that day . And thank God for your training , because otherwise the good Samaritan role might have overpowered the gut feelings . To think these kinds of scenarios can happen at home is terrifying . Did you report it ( description of the car and " bodies " , license plate , etc ) ? I don 't know if I 'd get many details , trying to get through without driving on someone or getting ambushed . . . damn man . on to part 2 of the story : My husband and I met in college and spring break of our junior year we decided to head down to his house for Spring Break along with one of his fraternity brothers . It was a really good time and we 'd go out on his back porch at night to drink / smoke . We went out one of the first nights we where there and noticed an absolutely beutiful moon dog which for is kind of like a reflective halo that forms around the full moon when conditions are just right . The next night we planned to go out to see if we could see it again . My husdand and I were heading out his garage door when we talked to his friend who said he 'd be out in a second after he went to the bathroom . We stepped out of the garage door and it was pitch black . It so dark we could barely see where we were going to get around to the back of his house . Which when we looked back on ti didn 't make any sense it was a full moon that night after all . We got about halfway to the back porch and I was too scared to keep going . It just felt absolutely terrifying to keep going like there was something waiting for us . My husband was also really freaked out and we just kind of looked at each other and ran back to the garage without saying anything . I 'd say from the time we stepped out side till we ran back inside was maybe a minute at most . Once we got back in we sort of laughed about it and went to tell his friend what had happened . The problem was we couldn 't find him to tell him . We ended up heading upstairs to see if he went to up there for some reason and found him asleep in one of the rooms . He had no idea how he got there and we had no clue how he could go from the bathroom to the upstairs bedroom and fall asleep so damn fast . It was at this point we noticed that we 'd been gone for around 30 minutes . To this day we don 't talk about it much it creeps us out so bad . devil in a blue dress : I would often use this bathroom in a friend 's dorm that always gave me a creepy vibe . I attributed it to bad lighting , water gurgling in the pipes , etc . Except one time I was in a stall , heard the door open , and saw , through the crack in the stall , a girl walk in wearing a blue bathrobe and pink towel wrapped around her head . Almost immediately after I flushed and exited the stall , and no one was there but me . I was freaked out enough I pulled back all the shower curtains to make sure . I don 't use that bathroom anymore . Then shouldn 't your name be devil in a blue bathrobe ? angry bunny : on to part 2 of the story : My husband and I met in college and spring break of our junior year we decided to head down to his house for Spring Break along with one of his fraternity brothers . It was a really good time and we 'd go out on his back porch at night to drink / smoke . We went out one of the first nights we where there and noticed an absolutely beutiful moon dog which for is kind of like a reflective halo that forms around the full moon when conditions are just right . The next night we planned to go out to see if we could see it again . My husdand and I were heading out his garage door when we talked to his friend who said he 'd be out in a second after he went to the bathroom . We stepped out of the garage door and it was pitch black . It so dark we could barely see where we were going to get around to the back of his house . Which when we looked back on ti didn 't make any sense it was a full moon that night after all . We got about halfway to the back porch and I was too scared to keep going . It just felt absolutely terrifying to keep going like there was something waiting for us . My husband was also really freaked out and we just kind of looked at each other and ran back to the garage without saying anything . I 'd say from the time we stepped out side till we ran back inside was maybe a minute at most . Once we got back in we sort of laughed about it and went to tell his friend what had happened . The problem was we couldn 't find him to tell him . We ended up heading upstairs to see if he went to up there for some reason and found him asleep in one of the rooms . He had no idea how he got there and we had no clue how he could go from the bathroom to the upstairs bedroom and fall asleep so damn fast . It was at this point we noticed that we 'd been gone for around 30 minutes . To this day we don 't talk about it much it creeps us out so bad . I think I found your problem . . . gunga galunga , that made me chuckle . Well played . ophilye : I get that sometimes . . it 's as though the cell phone lines get switched or something . . I get that when calling my husbands phone . It seems to ring & connect . . but I 'm actually listening to someone elses cell phone . It 's not even completely a call that was answered , but I can hear people 's voices , and can never make out what is actually said . Not real freaked out about it though . . it sounds the same as my dads work phone : Even though he has 2 lines , when he puts me on hold to answer the other line , I can hear their voices . I once had a dream that went a lot like that . I was on a pay phone , and somehow I got tied into a conversation between two friends . I tried to talk to them , to the point where I was yelling desperately into the phone , but they couldn 't hear me . . . at least until one of them said something like that , " Wait , did you hear that ? Who 's there ? " At that point , something either zapped me or otherwise ripped the phone out of my hand , and I got the impression ( the kind of impression you get only in dreams ) that I did not belong on that call , and something was making sure I got off it . The dream pretty much ended there . I have this weird fear of disembodied voices , which probably had something to do with that dream . The fear only manifests itself in certain circumstances , though . I have no trouble listening to the radio , and while I don 't like talking on the phone in general , it 's not because I 'm actually afraid of the voice I hear on the line . But , occasionally my roommate and his mother will be in the house together yet still talk to each other on cell phones . I 'll hear the " real " voice on one side of the house , followed by the echo - y " phone " voice on the other side of the house . I don 't know why , but that really makes my skin crawl . ruromastyx1 : I don 't believe in ghosts and it was more than likely a dream but once again my friend had come back when i needed him most , one last time . Shoot , now there 's something in my eye . . . Late to the thread . Back in my youth , my favorite pastime was scouring old abandoned houses for collectible beer cans and glass bottles and whatnot . One day , I drove by an old house that was falling in on itself . I pulled over and walked into the yard . . . and my jaw dropped . It was a treasure trove of old soda bottles from the Fifties . I grabbed an old bucket and stated loading up . I finally realized there was more stuff in the house . As I walked in on the old creaky floors , I felt I was being watched . The roof had collapsed , as had most of the floors . As I carefully went down the main hall , there was an old curio cabinet full of old , rare collectible toys . Jackpot . I was opening the curio when I had the feeling of being watched again . I turned around , and there was a huge cat staring at me from one of the reasonably intact rooms . I was somewhat relieved that the cat was causing these feelings , when all of a sudden the cat hauled ass , and from out of that room came a deep voice that raised its volume in anger and said , " I don 't care , take it all , take everything . " It caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand straight up . I dropped my bucket and hauled ass . I was glad that the car started on the first try . I peeled out of the old driveway in a spray of gravel . Never went back . Ooooh . . . thought of another story to tell . . . not really supernatural but scary anyways . My friend 's boyfriend regularly hitchhiked ( not the smartest thing I think , but it never bothered him ) . One night , he was trying to hitch a ride back into town ( he was only about a 10 min drive out of town on the highway ) . It was a divided highway and he watched as this car passed him on the opposite side ( he had this thumb out ) . . . a little ways down , the car on the opposite side veered across the lanes and the grass meridian so he was on the side of my guy and headed straight towards him . Well , her boyfriend was terrified , he was in on the highway in the middle of open prairie and there was nowhere to run or hide . All of a sudden , another car passed this creepy car , pulled up beside him and ordered him to get in the car . The driver had a feeling my friend 's guy was in danger . He has never hitchhiked again and said that he honestly thought he was going to die until that guy pulled up and saved him . After a work christmas party , my girlfriend and I went back up to the hotel room , both a little drunk ( okay i was drunk ) . So we are lying in bed watching this crappy infomercial that was selling CD 's packed with horrible songs and we were mocking every song that was shown . My girlfriend being tone deaf starts to try to sing one of the songs and it was way off pitch . So joking around I said " No , its this tone Meeeee , Meeeee " ( like from the do - re - me ) So I was doing this for about 10 seconds and she tried and couldnt hit the note and we both started lauging . About 20 seconds after the giggles stoped , we heard a " Meeeee , Meeee , Meeee " in the exact same pitch I was doing it in and it sounded like it was in our room . We both paused and I say " Did you hear that ? " and of course she did and we just laid there silent for about 30 seconds to see if it would happen again which it didnt . I remember being drunk and scared and saying " If I wasnt so drunk I would be pissing my pants right now . " I tried to say it was someone walking by but it sounded like it was 3 feet away from us and was the exact same pitch as when I did , like " it " was mimicking me . . . . creepy . This is more creepy than scary . My senior year of high school we went to visit my grandparents during winter break . The morning that we were to leave , I had a horrible feeling that I did not want to go . I had always been sad to leave . I loved them and their house , and no one likes to come home from vacation . This time was different . I literally felt sick . As we drove away from their house , I turned back to see my grandparents standing on the sidewalk . We waved to each other until we were out of sight . Long after we drove away I couldn 't help looking back . I felt like I needed to see them , to make sure they were still there . The feeling of sickness persisted even at the airport . Long story short , I never saw my grandmother again . She died two months later . / yeah it 's lame / / still one of the top few bad experiences of my life rhondajeremy : Ooooh . . . thought of another story to tell . . . not really supernatural but scary anyways . My friend 's boyfriend regularly hitchhiked ( not the smartest thing I think , but it never bothered him ) . One night , he was trying to hitch a ride back into town ( he was only about a 10 min drive out of town on the highway ) . It was a divided highway and he watched as this car passed him on the opposite side ( he had this thumb out ) . . . a little ways down , the car on the opposite side veered across the lanes and the grass meridian so he was on the side of my guy and headed straight towards him . Well , her boyfriend was terrified , he was in on the highway in the middle of open prairie and there was nowhere to run or hide . All of a sudden , another car passed this creepy car , pulled up beside him and ordered him to get in the car . The driver had a feeling my friend 's guy was in danger . He has never hitchhiked again and said that he honestly thought he was going to die until that guy pulled up and saved him . Fellow Edmontonian here . I wonder if the creepy car was going to abduct him ? There have been a few cases where people get into stranger 's cars and end up dead in and around Edmonton . Was this on Manning by any chance ? I 'm not much for storytelling but here goes . I think I was about 11 or 12 years old . I was at my grandparents farm during a holiday . My older cousins wanted to check out a condemned house at the end of the road , so I joined them . To set the scene , this is in the middle of nowhere , we walked 2 miles down a gravel road with no lights , save a single flashlight , and corn fields all around us . The house was in pretty bad shape : paper and garbage covered the ground and vines and plants were growing through the floor in places . That was the living room / kitchen area . We found a degree from a local community college on the floor with what looked like blood smeared on it . The first room we entered had shelves ( some still standing , many were in shambles ) with different animals in jars embalmed in liquid . Many were broken , my oldest cousin stepped on one and it popped like a water balloon . There was a room that looked like it had once been a baby 's nursery complete with creepy porcelain dolls with the paint chipping off their faces . I heard what sounded like a baby 's cry . I commented on this but no one believed me . I told them I wanted to leave , they said " then leave " . So I walked the 2 miles down the road by myself in the dark without a flashlight and nothing but acres of corn surrounding me . My cousin told me years later that he thought he heard the baby cries as well . I have a few stories , which I may have told on a previous thread here during another Halloween - - I really don 't remember . I pretty much never post here to begin with , I 'm a bonafide lurker . But I 'll tell this one now . Back in the early 80 's , my mother , my Aunt Donna , and two of my brothers ( Jason and Steve ) went to visit a woman named Adele Tinning ( new window ) . Adele was a renowned medium and " table tipper " , meaning she would place her hands palm down over her kitchen table , and the table would lift beneath them . She would channel spirits this way , using the table to communicate by letting the spirit lift the table and then tapping its legs back down . . . usually one tap signalling yes , and two signalling no ( I 've not done much research on Adele myself , so this is all coming from my aunt 's recollection ) . So from what I understand , during this session Adele channeled the spirit of my brothers ' father for a little bit , who died when Jason was still in the womb , at only twenty - two years of age . This choked my mother up , and so they moved on and let the spirit of my grandfather through . As you can see in the pictures below , there was limited room around the table , so Jason was seated in the doorway leading out of the breakfast nook where the table was in an extra chair . During the channeling of my grandfather , Jason spoke up to say that although he was very young when Grandpa passed , he had some vague recollections of sitting in his lap eating red - stained pistachios , while Grandpa let him steal small sips of his beer . I don 't have a picture of what happened next , unfortunately ( though you can see in the latter photo that the table is definitely NOT resting on the ground as it should be ) . . . but there is audio tape I have listened to where you can hear the whole thing happen . The table lifted itself up so far on Adele 's side that she had to take her hands off of it , and she and my mother scooted their chairs away as the table moved on two legs towards Jason in the doorway . He immediately freaked out and put his hands up , buCrazyCurt 2008 - 10 - 31 06 : 07 : 49 PM Hmmm , not really a creepy story but in context it 's scary . I was out walking our four dogs at the time in Lockwood , Montana . I went onto a ranch with a large butte and set the dogs loose , while climbing the trail to the top of the butte and sitting on its edge . Watching the dogs 500 feet below me , I grabbed a small bottle of whiskey and a smoke , and began to read a book while the dogs ran around and rolled in horse poop , as they liked to do . As i wasn 't really paying attenion , suddenly i felt something rubbing my right shoulder . At first i thought it was a dog , but , it was purring , loud . I turned my head to see . It was a big grizzled old mountain lion ! Rubbing me and purring ! I froze . It just turned around and sauntered off into the brush . " Holy crap " , I thought . Whether it was the fear or the adrenelin or a stroke or something to do with the whiskey or cigarette or the weird book I was reading , something really weird happened . " Curt ! " , a voice says from nowhere . " What ! ? " , I replied . " Cuuuurrrttt ! " " WHAT ! ? " " I amde a mistake , we have to be put back together , " the voice said . Then I got hit by a white beam of light and saw the darned universe . It was frickin ' gawd itself , the likes of which i get the impression is a science geek in another universe that made a mistake making this one in a botched experiment , and if we can 't get put back together we fade into nothingness and oblivion . It wanted me to pass on this message . At first I refused and my life has been cursed ever since . There is nothing scarier than seeing gawd itself , nothing . anvilhead : 100 % true story . Jesus christ , dude . Some of these stories give me the heeby - jeebies , but yours makes me feel an almost overwhelming sense of sadness , dread , and empathy . Like I can envision the sense of loss and hear her voice in my head . That 's terrible . CrazyCurt : Hmmm , not really a creepy story but in context it 's scary . I was out walking our four dogs at the time in Lockwood , Montana . I went onto a ranch with a large butte and set the dogs loose , while climbing the trail to the top of the butte and sitting on its edge . Watching the dogs 500 feet below me , I grabbed a small bottle of whiskey and a smoke , and began to read a book while the dogs ran around and rolled in horse poop , as they liked to do . As i wasn 't really paying attenion , suddenly i felt something rubbing my right shoulder . At first i thought it was a dog , but , it was purring , loud . I turned my head to see . It was a big grizzled old mountain lion ! Rubbing me and purring ! I froze . It just turned around and sauntered off into the brush . " Holy crap " , I thought . Whether it was the fear or the adrenelin or a stroke or something to do with the whiskey or cigarette or the weird book I was reading , something really weird happened . " Curt ! " , a voice says from nowhere . " What ! ? " , I replied . " Cuuuurrrttt ! " " WHAT ! ? " " I amde a mistake , we have to be put back together , " the voice said . Then I got hit by a white beam of light and saw the darned universe . It was frickin ' gawd itself , the likes of which i get the impression is a science geek in another universe that made a mistake making this one in a botched experiment , and if we can 't get put back together we fade into nothingness and oblivion . It wanted me to pass on this message . At first I refused and my life has been cursed ever since . There is nothing scarier than seeing gawd itself , nothing . That 's CRAZY ! ! ! I know it 's cool to hate " The Blair Witch Project " but . . . I was backpacking in the eastern Sierra Nevada a few weeks ago and somewhere around 2am I awoke in my tent to the sound of someTHING rhythmically smacking two rocks together . It sounded about 100 yards away . It went on for about 20 seconds ( which is an ETERNITY in a tent in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere ) then stopped , then started for another 15 to 20 seconds . Took a few hours for me to get fully back to sleep . cheesepreeness : I know it 's cool to hate " The Blair Witch Project " but . . . I was backpacking in the eastern Sierra Nevada a few weeks ago and somewhere around 2am I awoke in my tent to the sound of someTHING rhythmically smacking two rocks together . It sounded about 100 yards away . It went on for about 20 seconds ( which is an ETERNITY in a tent in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere ) then stopped , then started for another 15 to 20 seconds . Took a few hours for me to get fully back to sleep . Are there armadillos there ? I heard from someone that they can make all sorts of racket when rooting for food . meat0918 : Are there armadillos there ? I heard from someone that they can make all sorts of racket when rooting for food . Nope . No armadillos up there . Jonesy Boogieman : rhondajeremy : Ooooh . . . thought of another story to tell . . . not really supernatural but scary anyways . My friend 's boyfriend regularly hitchhiked ( not the smartest thing I think , but it never bothered him ) . One night , he was trying to hitch a ride back into town ( he was only about a 10 min drive out of town on the highway ) . It was a divided highway and he watched as this car passed him on the opposite side ( he had this thumb out ) . . . a little ways down , the car on the opposite side veered across the lanes and the grass meridian so he was on the side of my guy and headed straight towards him . Well , her boyfriend was terrified , he was in on the highway in the middle of open prairie and there was nowhere to run or hide . All of a sudden , another car passed this creepy car , pulled up beside him and ordered him to get in the car . The driver had a feeling my friend 's guy was in danger . He has never hitchhiked again and said that he honestly thought he was going to die until that guy pulled up and saved him . Fellow Edmontonian here . I wonder if the creepy car was going to abduct him ? There have been a few cases where people get into stranger 's cars and end up dead in and around Edmonton . Was this on Manning by any chance ? Howdy neighbour ! Actually this was on Hwy 2 North of St Albert , where I reside , but I think Manning would be another place that I would avoid hitchhiking on . We 'll never know what the creepy car wanted but I would think the person wanted him for something . I 'm tellin ' ya , if I saw a car do that while I was on the walking , I 'd probably crap my pants in fear . * LOL * cheesepreenessmeat0918 : Are there armadillos there ? I heard from someone that they can make all sorts of racket when rooting for food . Nope . No armadillos up there . I 've got one in my trousers . . . . does that count ? I think I posted this in some thread awhile ago about haunted houses , but . . . My two roommates and I lived in the upper flat of an old Victorian house . Before I had moved my bed and everything in , I would sleep up in the attic , which had a few couches . It was warm and cozy and I never got creeped out , even though I 'm admittedly prone to scaring easily . One day while cleaning the attic we noticed a bunch of junk above this weird little room in the attic , so we brought all of it down to see what it was . There were dusty old curtains , lampshades , and a ton of Polish newspapers from the early 1900s . The curtains and lampshades were nice , so we put them up , and kept the newspapers . Ever since the curtains went up in the attic it became decidedly creepier . It got so that none of us wanted to go up there alone , and it was pretty much only used for parties . I would have slept on the kitchen floor rather than up there . One night , around 2 am , I was sitting in my room with the door locked talking to someone on the phone . I was pretty upset about whatever I was talking about and when I heard a loud knock on the door I actually said " Go away . " I didn 't hear it again , but the next morning I found out that the only other person in the house was asleep and hadn 't knocked on the door . My other roommate heard people laughing in the kitchen once , and we all heard footsteps up in the attic . The worst part of the whole experience was that eventually the house started to have a really horrible feeling about it ( I refuse to say aura ) . We weren 't the only ones to notice ; other people started saying it felt creepy . I didn 't stay there if both of my roommates were gone for the night . A month before the lease ran out I actually signed a lease for another apartment and was effectively paying for two places . I didn 't have much money , but it was bad enough that I preferred sleeping on the wooden floor of my new apartment to sleeping in my bed in the flat . Happy Halloween ! ! ! I have never seen anything which could not be rationally explained . Despite deliberately staying in " haunted " farmhouses and hotels here in England , and going on a fair few ghost tours . Just for once I would like to see something that shows me there 's more out there than what we currently know . You Farkers with real ghost stories are lucky . I suck because my family has lived in the same house for 40 years and we were the first ones to move in after it was built so I got no murder / suicide / previous tenant ghost stories . It 's also on the side of a mountain in the L . A . area that 's only been developed for the past 50 years so there 's no Indian burial ground or old asylum / hospital grounds around . Nothing spooky ever happened , in fact , nothing spooky ever happens to me . I got nuthin . Third _ Uncle _ Eno : cheesepreenessmeat0918 : Are there armadillos there ? I heard from someone that they can make all sorts of racket when rooting for food . Nope . No armadillos up there . I 've got one in my trousers . . . . does that count ? If you were up in the eastern Sierra Nevada at about 10 , 000 feet banging two rocks together in the middle of the farking night then yes , it does count . The Doctor , Missy , Bill , and Nardole are on a ship plunging into a black hole as the Mondasian Cybermen make their return . One dies before the night ends in " World Enough in Time " . Doctor Who , 9pm ET on BBC America ( earlier in civilization ) ( radiotimes . com ) » ( 9 comments ) The most important inventions to come from each state , all in one map . The state that invented the surfboard won 't surprise you . But the state that invented the cellphone might ( marketwatch . com ) » ( 79 comments ) At first I was like : " Wow . Howie Mandel has his own day now . " Then I was like " WTF is a Howie Day ? Then I was like " Cool : he must be brilliant or he wouldn 't be performing at CERN , where Sir Tim Berners - Lee invented HTML and thus the web " ( symmetrymagazine . org ) » ( 17 comments ) The Doctor , Missy , Bill , and Nardole are on a ship plunging into a black hole as the Mondasian Cybermen make their return . One dies before the night ends in " World Enough in Time " . Doctor Who , 9pm ET on BBC America ( earlier in civilization ) ( radiotimes . com ) » ( 9 comments ) |
Terry and I lived in a model home once . It was part of a new development that never took off after the housing market went belly - up . The developer was a friend of Terry 's father , and he let us live there for a reduced rate . He said it was better than having the house vacant . Only the model home and one other house had been built before construction stopped . The two houses were side - by - side , almost identical with their red brick facade , Palladian windows above the front doors , attached two - car garage . Our yards were smoothed over with bright - green sod but the rest of the lots on our short street were filled with mud and pebbles . Across the street from us , tall For Sale signs rose from a tangle of weeds and wild bushes . Just past the development 's entrance , a giant hole in the ground marked the spot where the in - ground pool was supposed to go . Although asphalt tennis courts had already been paved , they were missing their white lines and nets . Still , I was happy enough with what was there . The model home had a master bedroom , walk - in closets , an eat - in kitchen , and it came completely furnished . On our first day there , the neighbors came to our door with a wicker basket filled with wine and cheese and crackers . Their names were Melissa and Dan Jackley . Their two daughters , Kylie and Taylor , skipped in a circle behind us while we talked . Melissa was blond and pretty . Dan was muscular and fit . He wore his hair in a military - style buzz cut . Melissa told us that the neighborhood was going to be great someday , that we 'd made a good investment . I waited for Terry to correct her , to explain that we were only renting , but he didn 't . Melissa said that once the economy got back on its feet - " Any day now , " Dan joined in - construction would start up again . We were in one of the best school districts in the state and then she rattled off some statistics about above average standardized test scores . When they finally left , Terry smiled at me . " I 'm exhausted , " he said . I took the basket from him , and the first thing I did was open up the wine and dump it down the sink . Sometimes I 'd see Dan outside , washing his car . He drove a black Suburban that had a small sticker of a skull and crossbones stuck to its rear bumper . He took care to soap up the front and back windows , hubcaps , side mirrors . He also mowed the lawn a lot and trimmed the grass near the sidewalk with a loud edger . Then , one day , I ran into Melissa at the Krogers in town . Her cart was filled with square boxes of frozen dinners , soda bottles , party bags of chips . The girls were trailing behind her , pushing their own miniature - sized carts - neon yellow , plastic contraptions with big wheels . After I said hello to her , she put her fingers to her lips and cocked her head towards her daughters . He came back every Sunday to take the girls for the afternoon . One time I was outside when he drove up to the house . It was a bright , windy day , and I was sitting on my heels , plucking out a bunch of prickly - leafed dandelions from the front flower bed . Dan parked his Suburban at the curb . After he got out , he just stood on the sidewalk with his hands on his hips . I thought to call out to him that I 'd seen Melissa leave with the girls about twenty minutes beforehand , but he was so focused and still that I didn 't want to disturb him . The wind picked up a little , ruffling the hair on the back of his head . A clear plastic bag , the kind used to bag produce , skittered down the sidewalk , running into his legs , wrapping around his ankles , but he didn 't even notice . Melissa came home about ten minutes later . I saw her Toyota minivan at the top of the street , coasting slowly towards us . As soon as she pulled into the driveway , the van 's side door slid open and the girls jumped out . They hugged Dan 's legs , crying out for him . " Daddy ! Daddy ! Daddy ! " He patted the tops of their heads and pointed to his car and they ran to it and climbed inside . That was when Melissa and Dan started to fight . I couldn 't hear what they were saying but at one point , Melissa put her finger in his face and Dan leaned into her with his shoulder . I got up and went indoors before I could see anything more . Terry was in the small study that was just off the foyer . He was playing Solitaire , slapping cards down in a sloppy formation on top of the wide mahogany desk that took up most of the room . Next to his cards , there was a fully loaded glass ashtray with a lit cigarette wedged into one of its notches . " He 's fighting with Melissa over something . I couldn 't quite make out what they were saying but it looked bad . It was sad to see , what with the kids being involved and everything . " Terry looked up at me . His eyes were bloodshot . He hadn 't had a drink in two months . He was trying to do it all by himself because he said that AA had a 99 % failure rate . " Grace , why are you talking to me about this ? I 'm so far beyond worrying about the neighbors right now . Why can 't you see that ? " he asked . Terry had recently been written up by his manager for a bunch of unexplained absences , but the day after Dan and Melissa 's fight he got up early to go to work . Our house was bustling and purposeful , filled with the smell of coffee and toast . The morning news anchors buzzed to each other from the TV in our bedroom . Terry stood in front of the oval mirror in the upstairs hallway to fix a knot in his tie . Afterwards , he moved down to the kitchen where he filled a travel mug with coffee . Right before he went out the side door to the garage , he gave me a mock salute with three fingers to his forehead . I waited until he was gone before I got ready for work . I had a good job back then , keeping the books for a small manufacturing company , but recently I 'd been late a lot because of Terry . So I was rushing to get dressed - yanking blouses and skirts off their hangers , pulling pantyhose from a tangled ball , running the legs up my arms to check for runs - when I heard the doorbell . I was in too big a hurry to answer it but whoever was there kept ringing the bell over and over and it got me worried that it had something to do with Terry . When I ran downstairs , I was half - dressed in a camisole and skirt . I pulled the door open to Melissa . The kitchen had a large bow window that took up most of one wall . She stood by that window , staring out at the backyard . There was a play set by the far end of our property : two swings , a plastic slide , a deep sandbox . I wondered if she was imagining her girls playing there , swinging so high that the play set 's legs would jump a little with each rise and fall . I was pleased by her compliment . I already thought of the house as mine . I wanted to brag about all its finer details , like the master bathroom with its separate space for the toilet , porcelain tile that framed the garden tub , gilt framed mirror above the double - sink vanity . The other day , I 'd bought candles to put around the wide - lipped edge of the tub , thinking that I could sink into a bubble bath each night , surrounded by flickering light . " It 's the same floor plan as mine . " She sighed a little and turned towards me . " Well , Dan came by yesterday . But you know about that already , don 't you ? I saw you watching us . " " It 's O . K . It 's been rough . I won 't deny that . But I 'm trying to keep strong for the girls . Always , everything for the girls . Just some days are better than others . That 's why I 'm here . I dropped the girls off at school and I was coming back to the house and I just couldn 't go inside , not yet . " As I poured her a cup of coffee , I looked at the digital clock on the face of the stovetop . I would need to call my office soon to explain my tardiness but what could I say ? I 'd already made up so many excuses to tend to Terry : non - existent doctor 's appointments , car repairs , house maintenance . " It 's a crap shoot , isn 't it ? What you end up with . When Dan and I got married , well , I was so excited . I wanted it all : house , picket fence , kids . Do you know what I 'm saying ? Didn 't you feel the same ? " " And then it changed . Without me even noticing it at first . Our fights always started out so small . I wanted the girls to take horseback riding lessons . Dan thought it was too expensive . I wanted to buy a mirror to hang above the mantel . Dan thought a painting would be good there instead . Every little thing became a war . " I tried to picture fighting with Terry over something trivial like that . We were barely hanging on - to each other , to this fragile life we 'd created together . The thought of disagreeing over the placement of a framed painting seemed like a luxury we 'd never have . " Thank you for letting me come over and unload like this , " Melissa continued . " It was just what I needed . You know , Dan and I always wanted to have you two over for a cookout , just a little get - together . It was on our to - do list : have the neighbors over . You two seem like such an interesting couple . " Before moving into the model house , we 'd lived in a duplex off of Buford Highway . One time , coming home from a very bad night , Terry misjudged the first step of the duplex 's front porch and toppled over and landed on our neighbor 's rose bed . She was an elderly Asian woman who lavished care and attention on those roses every day , always fertilizing , pruning , checking for black spots . And Terry just crushed them with his weight . He was too heavy for me to move so I just left him there . When he woke up in the morning , our neighbor was standing over him , trembling in her housecoat , chattering in her native language , poking him hard against his ribs with the end of a broom . " You two keep to yourselves , don 't you ? I never see anyone come over . It 's like you guys are your own island or something . " When Terry came home that night , I wanted to tell him about my conversation with Melissa . But he just sank into the deep leather chair in the great room and waved me off when I came in to talk . He stayed there all night . When I turned on the flat screen TV that hung above the mantel , he asked me to turn it off . The only sound he made was when he lit another cigarette - the scraping of the lighter , his deep inhale . At one point , I thought I heard him leave the house , but when I looked out the bedroom window , his car was parked in the driveway . " I 'm surprised it didn 't wake you up , " he said . " Quite a ruckus going on next door . Would 've woken up the neighbors if we had any . " " Melissa 's voice was the loudest . She kept saying that she wasn 't going to take it anymore , that it had to stop . Whatever ' it ' is . " I was about to tell him more , but Terry shook his head . " You shouldn 't get involved . We don 't know them . They don 't know us . Best to keep it that way . " " Anyway , I 'm feeling a little shaky right now . It 's been a long night . You understand that , don 't you ? Please tell me you do . " He left the room before I could answer . I heard him on the stairwell , slowly going upstairs . I called his office and told the receptionist that he wasn 't feeling well . " Uh - huh , " she said . Right as I put the phone down , Melissa came over . We went into the kitchen again . She sat in a kitchen chair and put her feet on the bottom rails of the next chair over , tipping the empty chair back and forth , a gesture that reminded me of what I used to do when I was younger . I 'd sit in the kitchen with my feet up and talk to my mother as she prepared dinner . She 'd sip from a glass of scotch and water as she cooked . Once I turned 16 , she 'd mix a drink for me too . Some nights , by the time dinner was served , I 'd be too drunk to eat anything , but I 'd wobble to the dining room table anyway to keep her company . " Now Dan wants me to get a job . He says I 'm spending too much . He 's threatening to close our joint checking account . I 've told him so many times that I can 't work right now , not with the girls being so young . He doesn 't get it . But why would he ? I was the one who wanted kids , not him . Oh , I mean he was perfectly happy when I was pregnant with Kylie . But he only wanted the one . When I got pregnant with Taylor , he didn 't talk to me for a week . " " So he comes over last night , furious mad , because he 'd just tried to balance the checkbook and found all these extra expenses . You probably heard us . I mean , we were loud . " Melissa wrinkled her nose . " I haven 't had a good night 's sleep in weeks . You tell him that , will you ? Tell him that if he 's up in the middle of the night , he should flash a light out the window or something , and I 'll see it . Hey , did I tell you ? I saw him the other day , walking on the side of Jones Bridge Road . Crazy place to be walking , don 't you think ? " That night , Terry was restless in bed , turning from his stomach to his right and then left side . He punched the pillow and pulled the sheets across his shoulders . I started telling him about Melissa , how she guessed there was something wrong with us , that she saw him walking around town when he should 've been at work . He flipped over onto his back , knitted his hands together and placed them on top of his chest . " Why don 't you tell her the truth ? Tell her that I 'm just another bozo on the bus . Isn 't that what they 'd call me in AA ? And that , until very recently , you were just as bad as me . Tell her that we met in a bar , buzzed out of our minds , and it 's been downhill ever since . That should satisfy her curiosity , don 't you think ? " I used to match Terry , drink for drink , until one morning when I woke up in his car , pinned in by my seat belt , my arms draped over the steering wheel . I fumbled with the door latch and as soon as I was able to get the door open , I threw up on the cracked pavement . My vile - smelling vomit looked like coffee grinds . I was behind Marlow 's and although I could remember going there with him and standing at the bar , taking shot after shot after shot , I couldn 't remember anything else . I kept the car door open for awhile , trying to catch my breath , and then a garbage truck pulled into the parking lot and a man who was standing on the back lip of the truck laughed at me . I drove back to the duplex and found Terry asleep on the floor , his cheek burning against the synthetic wall - to - wall carpeting . I wanted to call my mother at that point . I wanted to hear her tell me to get out . Don 't think twice , sweetheart . Just leave . But when I dialed her number , no one answered the phone , and when I hung up I wasn 't sure that that was the advice she would 've given me anyway . So I shook Terry to wake him up . I told him that we had to change . A month later , we learned about the model home . Hours later , I was startled awake by the sound of a woman screaming . It was a horrible noise - shrill , hysterical , high with fear . I sat up in bed and could feel my heart gallop underneath the palm of my hand . Terry was asleep , lying on his stomach , his arms stretched above his head . I stayed in bed , waiting to hear something else . I put my hand on Terry 's shoulder but he didn 't wake up . I 'd almost convinced myself that the scream was nothing , just a part of a dream I couldn 't remember , when a car door slammed and I heard spinning wheels racing down the street . I got out of bed and crept downstairs , taking the steps slowly , clutching the banister for support . In the foyer , the moonlight flooded the Palladian window , making squares of light on the wood floor . Melissa 's house was dark . Across the street , the door to an abandoned porta - potty drifted open and slowly closed . I ran over to her house , the grass prickling the soles of my bare feet , and rapped on the front door . When no one answered , I used the doorknocker , a custom - made brass contraption designed with their initials : D and M swirled together into a fancy knot . Still no answer , so I pounded on the door with my fist . The door knocker jumped in its socket . Sensing a slight sigh , an exhalation of breath , I whirled around , but no one was there . Back inside our house , I woke up Terry to tell him what had happened . I wanted him to go downstairs , patrol the neighborhood , make sure we were safe . But he didn 't get up . He was too sleepy . Whatever was going on next door , he said , had nothing to do with us . Terry slept through the alarm clock the next day . I ate breakfast , emptied the dishwasher , and drank three cups of coffee , all the time hoping that he 'd get up , but he stayed in bed . When I went back into our bedroom , he had the covers over his head . After my shower , I fiddled with the wood blinds that covered the picture window above the garden tub . Light flooded in between the slats , and I saw , for the first time , how tacky the candles look around the tub , how one of the wood panels on the vanity was peeling off at the corner , how there was a dirty footprint on the white , fluffy area rug in front of the glassed - in shower stall . I slipped on my shoes , waved goodbye , and left for work . Melissa came outside as I was backing out of the driveway . I pulled up next to the curb in front of her house so that we could talk . She was dressed for a workout , wearing cropped sweats , her t - shirt 's collarless opening showing the hint of a wide - strapped sports bra , but she was wearing flip - flops . Her toenails were painted red . " The girls are staying with my parents right now so at least I don 't need to worry about them . Dan 's losing it . He 's just losing it . And it 's all about money . Is that the only thing he cares about ? " Melissa rubbed her fingers and thumbs together . " He says he 's going to put me on a strict budget . I 'm not to have access to our checking account anymore . He 'll give me a certain amount of money each month and that 'll be it . He freaked out just because I ordered a new bedroom set for Kylie . " " The house . That 's another thing . Now Dan wants to sell it . He says he won 't pay on a mortgage for a house he isn 't living in . He knows damn well I can 't afford it on my own . He actually had the nerve to tell me last night that I could always buy him out if I wanted . If I wanted ? I told him he 'd never get me out of that house . Ever . We 'll be in court for the rest of our lives before that happens . " " So you know what I 'm talking about . What a good friend you are . It 's times like these when a girl needs a friend . I could just tell , when I met you , that we 'd be friends . " " Although I was a little nervous about Terry at first . I don 't mind telling you that . One night , I went out late to empty the garbage and there was Terry coming out of your garage . I think I startled him a little . He didn 't say a word to me , just lit a cigarette and stood there , looking out on the street . It was all dark and everything but that didn 't seem to bother him . " I wondered where I 'd been at the time . In the kitchen , doing dishes ? Organizing our clothes in the spacious , second - floor laundry room ? When we first moved in , I spent a lot of time pouring over design magazines - Home Beautiful , Home Design , Metropolitan Home - looking for decorating tips until Terry told me that it was in our contract that we couldn 't change a thing . When she stepped away from my car , I drove to the end of the street and waited a few minutes there before turning around . I parked in our driveway and went in through the front door . Upstairs , the door to our master bedroom was closed . I hesitated for a second and then I pushed the door open so hard that it cracked against the wall . We left a week later . Terry blamed his drinking on the house . He thought that the neighborhood reeked of failure . The developer didn 't mind our short notice ; he said interest was picking up so he 'd have to start showing the house soon anyway . On the day we moved out , a truck pulled into Melissa 's driveway . I was outside , squeezing suitcases into the trunk of Terry 's car . A middle - aged man hopped out of the truck , tugging on his waistband to pull his wrinkled khakis over his hefty gut . He waddled over to introduce himself . His name was Bobby and he was Melissa 's older brother . " Oh yeah , she 's gone . And you won 't be seeing her back any time soon , " Bobby told me , wiping the corners of his mouth with his fingers . It was a gentle , girlish gesture for such a grossly overweight man . " I 'm here to get some things for her . Clothing and such for her and the girls You 're her neighbor , so you 'll want to know . Dan started calling Melissa at all hours of the day , telling her that he was going to throw her out of the house , that she 'd have nowhere to live . It was freaking her out . Then he gets stopped after running a red light and what does the cop find right in plain view in his car ? A canister of tear gas and a police baton . " Bobby shaped his fingers into a gun and shot me . " That prick even had a knife with him . Now what do you think he was going to do with all that ? " " The tear gas wasn 't registered , which it needed to be . And with that police baton , they were able to charge him with possession of a deadly weapon . Melissa 's hiding out at my house now . Dan hasn 't posted bail yet . But I 'm guessing he will soon . So if you see him around … " Bobby folded his arms across his big chest . I knew that he was waiting for me to say more , to give a reason behind our sudden departure , at least to ask for Melissa 's phone number and inquire after the girls . But I didn 't . I thought I heard Terry calling for me , so I turned around and went back inside . I passed through each room of the model home , looking for him . Catherine Uroff is a writer from Longmeadow , Massachusetts . Her short fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in Floodwall , Prime Number , The Bellevue Literary Review , Red Wheelbarrow , The Georgetown Review , Green Hills Literary Lantern , and other journals . She is currently working on a collection of short stories about grieving women . " Model Home " exposes the frailties of reinventing ourselves to move on from the past , making clear the impact of our environment . It reminds us that human failing is all around , a part of who we are , a human condition we can either give into or face head on , making the necessary changes to better ourselves and find our place in the world . The subtly in which this mystery is unraveled keeps the reader intrigued , waiting for choices to be made , action to be taken , and in the end , being wholly satisfied with the outcome . What strikes me about the short story " Model Home " is Catherine Uroff 's attention to landscape , the way she captures suburban sprawl : the vast open land and the box like homes filled with everything pretty , the Palladian windows , the two car garages , the smoothed over dirt with bright green grass . The image suggests a starting over , a bulldozing of the land to destroy a recurrence of whatever was there before . When the construction stops in its tracks leaving half built homes and nothing at all smoothed over and pretty , the former landscape is left lurking around corners and just beyond manicured lawns . The landscape is a subtle way to introduce the narrator 's crisis , how the puddles and gravel roads elude to a psychological downfall within the narrator and her own family , one that eventually forces them to leave without any clear direction of where to go . There is not a resolution ; the ends of the story are not tied up nicely . There is simply an example of one 's struggle to let go of a dream , of denial and how one might avert any terribleness by simply concocting better and bigger ways of covering up the truth . |
Friday I had to go to Wound Care again - what a lovely day it was . Eddie left in the morning for work with clouds a bit of rain ; when he came home to pick me up , the sun was out . For the first time in a long time , I had the car window open and it felt quite warm . More rain today and tomorrow , then they promise the sun for several days - does Mother nature agree ? We will see . I am back wrapped up again - my legs swelled again - and wouldn 't you know , my compression socks arrived and were sitting in the mailbox as we drove out . Well , I won 't be wearing them for a couple of weeks , then I will take them with me to have them help me learn how to put them on . This means spit and duck baths again ; so far the hair doesn 't look too bad . It does tend to stick up a bit when I get up in the morning , I will have to run the shower with my head in to have the steam tame those wonky parts . I have an appointment on Wednesday afternoon to remove sutures , then I can lean over the shower chair and wash my hair at least . My forehead has been numb since the first plastic surgery , yet at times I feel it tingling , sometimes as if something is walking on my head . It is an odd sensation but not unpleasant . I asked the doc about it last Monday before surgery , he said it will take a long time to go back to normal . I expected that answer because I found that with the hip incision . It was numb and I would get sharp pricks when I least expected it - that was unpleasant . Seems to be fairly normal now , four years later . I am determined to drive again after Wednesday , I don 't like being so dependent - at least I can see a lot better now , that makes a difference . When Eddie comes back from the Car Museum , he is taking me to Bartell 's - it is sometimes difficult to explain to him what I want . I think he is very uncomfortable buying " lady things " , but does a pretty good job . Yesterday was fairly sunny and when Eddie came home from shopping , he had hamburgers with him . He decided to start the BBQ season and I noticed Eric across the street had his big grill on his deck . Eddie said he could smell someone else getting ready to BBQ . We have had such a lot of wind and rain this winter , it feels good to look forward to spring . Each time I go out , I see new things blooming - I almost feel I am missing out on spring . The Scillas in the beds have abundant leaves up and it will be fun to see all the lavender flower stems blooming . The grape hyacinths are blooming , not as many this year and the two clumps of yellow daffodils on the bank are doing well My sister Ellen on the Jersey Shore has had rain , snow , sun and wind - I 'm so glad she sends photos of them . The last photo I enclosed in the blog is now a painting - she is so talented ! She is able to show the ocean in so many different moods and colors - so amazing . I have been so self absorb in myself lately , both my sisters reminded me March 24th would be Dad 's 102nd birthday . I also thought about September 24th , Mom 's birthday - it will be her 98th . In 2018 , it will be her 100th birthday and that year was as eventful as Dad 's in 1914 - so many historic things happened that changed the world during those years . Because they met , fell in love and married , my sisters and I are a part of this changing world . They gave us so many gifts - being loved and wanted , integrity , respect for other people , discipline , manners - so many things that have given me a strong foundation . ( I won 't speak for my sisters ) I am grateful for all of it , they were very loving parents . I have been sleeping a lot , though I still feel draggy , I need to walk a bit every day - exercise needs to be part of being rested . I have hesitated to go outside and walk up and down the sidewalk because I don 't want to trip and fall . Now that I can wear my glasses better , I am willing to give it a try . Windy and stormy is conducive to walking outside - I seem to have missed the worst of the weather during my captivity . I finally was able to make the one printer work at last . Last Sunday afternoon I was clicking around and found a set of things to work with to help figure out what I needed to do . Essentially , they all had to have the cartridge problem resolved before I could use any of them . I found a place to check the ink supply and was astounded to find it showed the color empty . I just bought the cartridges a short while ago , so they shouldn 't be empty . So I decided to take it to Office Depot to see if they could tell if it was full or not . The guy was really great - he gave me a free swap and I only had to pay for the other cartridge . They didn 't have single ones , just a double one with black and color . So I went for it . Then I changed the color and found it printed - except the black was barely showing up . I aligned the cartridges , cleaned the heads and I don 't know what all to get it to work . I printed out some things where the color worked fine . I figured I had only won half the battle . Friday I decided to print out some crosswords and I was so surprised and delighted to see the all black pages looked just right . Maybe the black had to work its way through before printing properly . A victory for me . I didn 't make it to Apple for Pages session , so I don 't know if Ellen received her birthday card on Friday or not . Plus there is the other printer to solve the scanning problem . I forgot to mention the phone - no more buzz and static , but now my voice mail doesn 't work and tells people to put in the code . I don 't have a code . If I am home and the phone rings , I can answer it with no problem , but no one can leave a message . I 'm wondering if I need to unplug it and put it with the other phone and see if that works . Looks as if Technology has 3 - I only have 1 . This week we moved more books out of the shelves - picture books to Providence Elderplace , some novels for the Infusion Center and the rest to Goodwill . We need to empty the shelves for the painters . They are coming on the 18th . We had the man for the floors come to give us an estimate and what was possible to clean the hardwood floor . Seems the floor Dad put in has a very thin layer and it is a little wavy - it would take only 1 sanding and even then , it wouldn 't look much different . He said he would do it in 2 days but we would have to move out of the house for 3 days because the smell is overpowering . We would also have to move all the furniture out - that plus the cost and the three hotel nights along with eating out was a bit off - putting . The logistics also difficult , so we decided not to do it . I asked Brad if he would build a new mantel for us with crown molding - that is a lot less and something I have always wanted . I sent him a couple of designs that hit me - I don 't want it too complicated that it overpowers the room and the fireplace . I also don 't want it so plain either . He is doing some research to see what molding is available and what will work for the space . Oh dear , I need to email measurements for him . It should be ready to paint when Ron comes . Friday was a great day , we had clear sunshine , 69 and I felt so good . We had 78 to 80 yesterday , a little hazy . It 's a bit cloudy but due to be 73 - then guess what is coming through ? Today is not only Mother 's Day , it is our 46th wedding anniversary . We decided not to go to dinner today , instead we went on Thursday a bit early . It was quite lovely and not a lot of people . We have a wonderful dinner - brought half of mine home for lunch the next day . It was fun to have a leisurely dinner and enjoy our anniversary together . Both of us find it hard to believe it is 46 years , it doesn 't feel that long . It has been a while since it has been just the two of us in our own home . When our living room is painted and our furniture is in place , it will truly be our home . This has been a mixed up Spring so far and now Ellen is sending Spring pictures from Ocean Grove . They have had a lot of weather this year and who knows what Ana will do as she blows up the coast . I 'm so glad she sent some cherry blossoms . I just realized it has been more than 3 weeks since my last post - I 've been around but not necessarily with it . After 3 months , I decided it was time to stop pushing aside grieving for my Mom and Dad , too many oddball things were showing up and I need to deal with it . I was upset when I decided to end my radio show for a while - going on hiatus while I do major self - care - and will be back doing it again in the future . I don 't want to spend the rest of my days somewhere in neutral and drag my butt tired . Eddie and I went to Toronto for a few days for Christmas with our niece and her family - no ice storm this year . It was 40 's and 50 's with some rain , just like Seattle . However , I am glad we aren 't there at the moment , they have cold , ice and snow right now . I have some photos from my sister Ellen at the Jersey shore showing snow . We had a wonderful time in Toronto - I found myself noticing after a day or so that I had not thought about here or what was happening , I was completely there . It 's not that we did much , at least I didn 't . It was a delight to just enjoy their company and relax . I have to admit to feeling a bit left out because I only understand about half of what was said , so I asked for a major attitude overhaul . What a change in my way of looking at the situation . NEWS FLASH ! It 's not about me . It is a time for Eddie to speak Arabic with people he cares about and who know exactly what he is talking about - most it is about the past , people they know in common and situations . They also imitate the way some they knew spoke Arabic - only they understand the joke and why it is funny . Christmas Eve we watched the service from the church in Bethlehem , then went out for a wonderful dinner . Christmas afternoon we went to Raouf 's uncle 's house - and 30 of his close relatives . There are probably another 30 we didn 't meet that night , there is always next year . I spent a lot of time talking to his Uncle John . He 's a very interesting guy and so easy to talk with - I found out more of his history on the drive home . After we came home , I called Hospice of Seattle to find out about their grief support group . It is a 6 week course , then often the group decides to continue meeting after the end of the 6 weeks . It starts this Tuesday and will be for the next 6 Tuesdays . I don 't know what it will be , I am open to what ever works for me . I found the book " When Bad Things Happen To Good People " in the library - I had heard it was a really good book for grieving . Unfortunately I didn 't find it helpful - I don 't need to find a reason Mom is gone - it was time and it was her wish as well as relief . It is more explaining about the whys - I don 't need that . I am glad I checked it out , now I know what is about . I have some other things to check out - some of this by guess and by gosh , some are suggestions from other people - I am open and receptive to anything . I am open and willing to explore things and ideas to see how they resonate . This is so individual that it is more challenging than if there is a set formula . Maybe I will start to look at it as adventure rather than as something to be overcome . I am working to put it into words for myself - there really aren 't any pictures in my mind yet . I bought an iPhone last Saturday - my Christmas and birthday present . It is cool and I went Tuesday to learn how to use it . I have another appointment this Tuesday to learn more . They were able to download my list from my old phone and I finally got my pictures downloaded as well - not quite as easily . However , the number is the same and I don 't have to go through that balderdash again . I downloaded the new system Yosemite at home in November or December and my computer has been a bit wonky in some places . I took it in on Saturday afternoon - what a zoo not only at the Apple store , but all over the mall as well . Anyway , I told them about it and Nicole thought the best thing to do was reinstall Yosemite there and it would install over the one I did . It was going to take an hour , so I went for coffee and by 5 I was ready to go . Meanwhile Eddie was home doing the laundry and cooking dinner - what a delightful husband ! He had done all the shopping in the morning by himself because I had woken up in the middle of the night feeling as if at least a Hummer or something bigger had driven over me from feet to head and up my back . I am not sure what happened , I was doing well the day before and the one before that - no clue why . By late morning I was doing a lot better - thanks to Advil at night and in the morning . Yesterday morning at 4 : 50 my Mom died peacefully in her sleep . She had her 96th birthday last month and she finally was ready to let go and make her transition . We had a call shortly after from Judy , her caregiver to tell us Mom had died . It was part expected and in part startled me . Since the doctor had said she was going into the last stages of dementia , I didn 't know how long she would be with us . It is a relief and also upsetting ; even though I knew Mom didn 't want to be here , that she missed my Dad and her cat Josephine . Judy asked if I wanted to see her body , but I said No ; I wanted to remember her the way she was when I saw her Friday - fast asleep under the covers , looking warm and comfortable and holding the weighted baby doll . I am not sure what I am feeling or what I need or want - I feel at sixes and sevens , sort of wandering around wondering what I am supposed to do . I called my sisters to let them know , I spoke to Ellen and had to leave a message for Candy because she wasn 't available . Eddie had a conference he was helping put on and there was no need for him to stay home . I think it helped him concentrate on that rather than Mom . I went to my Breakfast Networking Group - Julia asked why I was there . I didn 't want to be at home . I 'm so glad I went , this group of people have been there to support , encourage and help me through some difficult times - they are close friends rather than just people with businesses I network with every Wednesday . I 'm having trouble settling to anything - I quit writing this because I couldn 't keep going - usually I go into a flow once I start writing . I 've been wondering if writing it out would help - not really sure any more . I tried having a lie down , to possibly sleep ; didn 't happen . I know I am tired - probably exhausted , but sleeping is not working out very well . It took me a while to get to sleep last night - then I noticed how stiff and uncomfortable I was . Not sure what is going on . After Breakfast Club I went to see Judy . She told me Mom was very different on Tuesday , she noticed changes that weren 't there before - she recognized it probably wouldn 't be too long . She checked on Mom quite often that night and then Mom was gone . She reassured me that I had done everything I could for Mom and that she feels the loss as well . She loved my Mom , as she loves all the residents as long as they are there . It is difficult for her to see them go . I have tried to tell Judy as often as I can how much I appreciate her , all that she did for Mom and to thank her . She told me many times that it made such a difference for her to be appreciated - I don 't think too many do that . She said Mom was a darling and everyone in the house loved her . I came home and found a voicemail from Candy - I 'm sorry I wasn 't able actually talk to her . I called the Allens and also John and Luzma to tell them . I ended up checking my emails and then had a cup of tea and a pear for lunch . I suddenly felt very sleepy , so I went to lie down for a bit - I think I slept but then the tea kicked in and She Who Must Be Obeyed let me know I needed to get up and use the bathroom . I went down again for a bit , then Luzma came by . John had told her when she woke up . We hugged each other and we sat and talked for a while - she will definitely miss Mom . She remembers how kind Dad was to her , accepting her and treating her well . She loved Mom , she said she was like a grandmother to her . Their shared their gardens and many other things . I decided I needed to do something , so I worked on the expenses for the business , I have let it go for too long . it seemed to be the only things I could concentrate on . Suddenly John and Luzma reappeared , carrying flowers . She said she knew Mom loved her rose and she thought the house should be filled with roses . There is one vase is small roses in a deep pink , one vase with red roses and a third vase with apricot roses . The last vase had white daisies - plus a balloon . In each vase is a lovely butterfly . ( I 'll put the pictures in another post ) . They told me to call them for whatever I need - as soon as I know , I will . While they were here Eddie called , he was on his way home from the conference , it didn 't last as long as he thought . I was glad to see him when he came home . We just had tea and bread - it was later than we usually eat and we were both tired . I left a message for June , one of the domino ladies and also called and talked to Kathy . I know there are people to tell but I can 't quite think of them at the moment . That was Day 1 . I didn 't write my sisters about Wednesday until the next day - I needed to digest it for a bit first . I also needed to meet Mom at the Center to take her for a haircut . Last time she was fast asleep through all of it , not this time . She was sleepy and holding on to her plush lion , but she was a bit more with it . Lisa put the plastic shield around Mom and the lion so Mom would have something to hold . She wasn 't all that happy about having it washed , I had to put a towel around her forehead because the headpiece let water run down into her face . She didn 't like the shampoo - at one point tried to bite Lisa . Unfortunately she wasn 't able to really get her hair clean because Mom was so feisty . She cut Mom 's hair and then put her under the dryer to dry it as much as she could . Mom was not happy under the dryer , I was sitting next to her and put my hand on her arm and let it know it was all right . Then she held my hand while the dryer was going , at times she got agitated and I just told her it 's fine . Lisa fluffed her hair some - interesting to see the back curly and the front very straight . She said it happens with geriatric patients , some parts will curl , others won 't . Certainly Mom was glad it was over . I took her back upstairs to get ready for lunch . I asked Sherry , the receptionist , if it was possible to see Dr . Myre , I wanted to collect my hug . Instead of phoning , she must have written an email because Dr . Myre came out quite quickly . Not only did I get one hug , I had several strong ones from her . She is very comforting and understanding - I , of course got teary and drippy . Seems to be the case a lot lately . She said I was doing a great job being there for my Mom and it helped to hear that . Many of my friends and my sisters have continually told me that - it is good to hear since the old " beat myself up " program keeps intruding . It says I haven 't done it perfectly and not done all I could - that voice will always tell me I didn 't do it perfectly or enough . So I am learning to release the need for that and to know I am enough . I left and went to see my acupuncturist because I felt the sore , scratchy throat starting again . Probably would have been smart to go Tuesday and nip it in the bud . I made an appointment for Friday as well . Seems as if lately everything is coming at once , with not much time in between to regain my balance . I 'm not sure it is supposed to come in separate intervals . When I worked in department store , it was either everyone came at once or it was very quiet . Friday I went to visit Mom , I wondered if she would be wiped out after the haircut . She was fast asleep in ned , holding on to the weighted baby doll Char gave to Mom . Judy said she likes to have something to hold , keeps her hands occupied . I didn 't want to wake her up , but I did tell her I love her and that Ellen and Candy send their love . I knew I would get too teary if I stayed much longer , so I left and headed over for my acupuncture appointment . It 's been an odd week , Eddie was home Wednesday because the archives were closed and he wanted to get another shirt from the Car Museum . I went to Breakfast Club , then came home because I had to work on an order for calculators . He assumed I would come with him and seemed a disappointed I didn 't . The Friday he had the day off because he was going to go to the venue for the PNAA Defense Conference to show Lisa the layout . I didn 't get home until after 1 , he wanted to know what kept me . Trouble is , he assumes when he takes a day off , I am available to play . I usually have been but now with new things going on , it isn 't possible and he has to adjust . Funny how things change , then change again . We also have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past 3 weeks or so . He had a bad cold and didn 't want to give it to me , then I had the coming down with something - neither wanted to give it to the other . Friday we finally got together again , though we are being careful because we don 't really know if either of us is contagious or not . I also wrote an email to the Northwest Schooner Society to see if they were interested in the models and Dad 's old wood working tools . I had a nice email and Kitty wrote back saying they would be very interested . I email pictures and she said they were gorgeous . So now we are working on a day for her and her helpers to come and pick things up . I told her the box may be a bit heavy , that I would check with my next door neighbor to see if they would be around to help . They are a young , just married couple living in the lower level of Bob and Delores 's house - Cameron is their grandson - I think their son Jerry 's son - and his wife Kika . We saw them last night - they were locked out and came for the key - and they are willing , it just depends on when . Plus my radio show - I have 2 guests lined up and working on a third . Still no sponsors but I have given a couple of people the information . I am getting ready to publish my website for the show - it will be rough and needs refining . Late yesterday afternoon , Mom 's doctor called . She said that Mom was about to turn a corner into the last stages of dementia . She said Mom has lost weight , isn 't really interested in eating and she had two spots beginning on her bottom . Not wanting to eat and losing weight means she doesn 't have her systems working very well , so making sure she doesn 't get sores will be a big priority . She will continue to go to the Center for as long as it benefits her , then they will have to have another doctor see her at the home . Just because of distance . She wanted to ask if I would like to have Comfort Care for Mom from now on . It is their hospice type of care . It means it will be easier for Judy and Didi so that went something happens , they don 't have to call 911 . There will be people to come and decide what works best for Mom - it is for the times when the Center isn 't open . Dr . Myre said she couldn 't predict how long , especially since Mom is still strong . It could be 6 months , it could be more . She said Mom 's brain isn 't connecting to her body very well - she probably won 't be walking any more and at some point she will be bedridden . She has noticed Mom has declined a lot - I 've noticed it the last 2 or 3 weeks . I went to see Mom on Monday , but she was very sleepy and a bit cranky , so I didn 't stay . Last Friday she spoke so softly I couldn 't hear her and she was very sleepy . I went in the afternoon because Judy thought she might be more awake in the afternoon . When I come in the morning she has had her meds and right about then , they kick in . She also doesn 't seem to know me , so that may be how it will be from now on . I am going up to the Center today to take Mom downstairs for a haircut . Dr . Myre said she didn 't like telling me over the phone about it and if I had been there she would have given me a hug . I said I would be there today , I will collect my hug . It 's hard . Yet Mom has been ready to go for a long time . A geriatric doctor friend says that when they stop eating , it 's a sign they are ready to let go of life . Palliative care ( Comfort Care ) is a very wonderful thing . They are focused on making Mom comfortable , and helping the entire family deal with the transition as the patient enters Hospice Care . Hospice ( and Medicare coverage ) begins ( according to Dr . Jeannie ) when the patient cannot walk , talk , or feed herself . You will have a dedicated team available there to see Mom through this . You have already created a stellar safety net to take Mom through the final stages of life . Hospice care opens more resources for Mom , and for you . It is also totally covered by Medicare , freeing you to focus on walking with Mom through this process of releasing . Hospice people are great , so take advantage of the things they offer . They know so much about this part of the process and are deeply tuned into the spiritual aspects of dying , as well as the practical physical aspects . It is very disorienting to see someone so powerful in our lives become so weak , and to disappear as the dementia progresses . At the same time , there is a strange liberation , because all the old rules don 't seem to apply any more . This transition time is not only about Mom making her exit from the planet . It is an opportunity for all of her children to be " born again " and reinvent our lives . The life we knew is dying , but new life is continually being born . And from my older sister : Thanks for the update on your mom . I 'm frankly not too surprised ( having been down this road before ) , but I know it 's hard . Do make sure they keep after those sores ; no sense making her uncomfortable , if you can help it . My mom had those , too , but of course she was bedridden for quite a long time before she died - as in about 4 years - so it wasn 't to surprising . However , the fact that your mom is losing weight can mean not only disinterest in food but a gradual slowing down of organs , tummy not as able to absorb nutrients , etc . Be prepared - there may come a point when she refuses to eat at all , and that will be her choice , but it 's hard to deal with . I think Comfort Care is an excellent idea ; we had that for my mom , too , and it really does help . They can help you anticipate the changes you will see from now on , and that will help you be somewhat prepared . I hope you collected that hug ! If I were there , I would give you one , too , although today you probably wouldn 't want me to - overnight I have developed a full - blown head cold ! ! It started with a sore throat yesterday , and BOOM ! here it is … . . sniffing , dripping , sneezing , etc . I took a Claritin , and that has helped a little , but not enough ! Believe me , I am so glad I have begun to ask for help and let others know what is happening . I have been glad I don 't have to do it by myself . Plus , when I have opened up to other people , I have been amazed to find so many others with the same kind of situation . Even so , it isn 't a cakewalk . Today is the 100th anniversary of Clayton Moore 's birthday - otherwise known as The Lone Ranger . I remember watching it as a kid - I also named my stick horse Scout - Tonto 's horse . Interesting how things this year have reminded me of my Dad . I may not write about my Dad in chronological order , sometimes certain things come to mind that may be out - of - order . I think my first memory was about 3 or 4 years old , in the Manhattan Beach house . I have vague memories and pictures in my mind of chasing trains . I remember being at the front closet to get coats and go see trains , where I have no idea . My older sister Ellen might remember . I also remember walking on the tracks with my sister and Dad - used to frustrate me no end that I kept slipping off but my sister walked the tracks with no trouble . From my younger point of view , she always did things better than I did . Ellen and I would play stick horses together , a long square stick that we tied thin rope at the top for reins . At one point , Dad took his jigsaw and cut out heads to put at the top - mine was painted like Tonto 's Scout , can 't remember what Ellen had . We enjoying playing with them , I know we played in the back yard but whether we went in the street I don 't remember . Again , just pictures in my mind . When Dad decided to accept a job with Boeing , we moved from Southern California to Seattle - for some reason Dad said we couldn 't take our stick horses - no room in the moving van , or something like that . That made no sense to either of us , so we weren 't too happy about that . I was 7 when we moved about April of 1954 , Ellen was 11 . My parents found a house to rent in Madrona and things suddenly changed . I was in 2nd grade - turns out I went to school a year earlier than the other kids , so I was always a year younger during public school . ( Mom and Dad always told the story of how much fuss I made to get on the bus with Ellen , so they let me go at age 5 - turned out not to be a favor after all . ) I finished the last 2 months of 2nd grade and then went into 3rd grade . I think Ellen was in 6th grade by then . I remember one day in 1954 , my Dad came home for lunch - very unusual for him . Then he and Mom stood out on the back porch watching a plane fly by - what was the big deal about a plane ? It really was a big deal because it was the first flight of the 707 and beginning of the jet age . It was many years later that I knew why it was a big deal . When we moved to Seattle my sister Candy was about 18 months old and to us , a pest . Certainly not her fault , but there was 6 years between us and 10 years between Candy and Ellen . I also noticed Ellen wasn 't my playmate any more , by that time the 4 years difference was very noticeable . I was on my own a lot , seems to have been my history . She kept to herself more and I was probably a pest and nuisance by then . A year and a half later , my parents found this house - it had all the requirements - a large lot , a view , 4 bedrooms ; I never thought I would be living here since 2002 and it is now mine . I now understand why my Mom wasn 't happy with the layout of the house , you have to go through the living room to get anywhere . The front door opens smack dab into the living room - wonder if that is why everyone goes to the back door , or is it the path leads to the back porch ? Unfortunately she couldn 't explain it to Dad in a way he would understand . At Christmas time we would go down to Chubby and Tubby for our Christmas tree . The five of us would look around the lot and each found a tree - then we had to decide which one to buy . It often seemed to me that the best tree was always the one someone else was holding . We would choose one ( sometimes one that needed the most love ) , take it home and put it in a bucket of water at the bottom of the outside stairs . It was usually a week before Christmas . Then we put it up on Christmas Eve , decorate it with ornaments Mom and Dad had collected when they were first married , new ones and ones we made . The cool thing was the next morning was Christmas . One Christmas we put it up a week before Christmas , didn 't work out all that well . Instead of Christmas coming the next morning , it seemed forever for it to come and I think we all were a bit tired of the tree when it finally came . So we went back to putting it up Christmas Eve and taking it down New Year 's Day . I 'm curious to know what my sisters ' memories are , if they are very different . Funny how each person sees something , a person , or event at the same time and sees it differently . I have been going through pictures and these two were ones I found . This is one of those times when I want to write but haven 't an idea what to write about . Usually something has happened , I have learned or discovered something , someone said or did something unusual - none of it comes to mind . I ave noticed the moles are back - they have been digging in the bed by the porch and I can see the holes , not just a pile of dirt . They are busy little bodies , that 's for sure . I have been working on my RA book ; I think I have a better handle on the program now . I decided to use my sister Ellen 's ocean pictures for the cover and also the chapter headings - looks pretty good . When I feel I have the hang of the program , I will work on the book about dementia - both Ellen and Candy have flower photos and I think those will fit Mom because she loved gardening . As for my garden , well that 's another story . Nothing else has been done since I messed up my knee - I don 't think it is the best thing to do at the moment . I did receive the flower seed mats and I have decided to use quilt block patterns to set them out - maybe with white stones to outline them . I need to cut them in squares and diamonds ready to be put down . As for the knee from my slide ; I am doing better , I just started my third week of it . I have been seeing Cheryl , my chiropractor and she has helped ; mostly it is resting and taking care of myself . I don 't do a lot in a day , just what I need to do and I have been having naps at times . I 've been using my cane when I go out , around the house I do okay . It was hard to bend my knee to walk and now it is slowly getting better . I think of the things I need and want to do , then I feel too tired to do anything about it . I keep forgetting it takes a lot of energy to deal with it and rest is so important . This too will pass - it always does . I look around the office and keep thinking how much I need to clean out and organize . There are things I no longer need and when I take the clutter out of my mind and home , there will be room for new things and ideas . I am a pack rat , though getting less so - it 's the sentimental streak that gets me . That is how I feel about the things someone gave me , or I used to use , etc . Too much emotion invested in things . One thing I have been learning through Mom and dementia is to take the emotion out of it . Taking it personally is also part of it . Now I am working on taking the emotion out of things - I have pictures and they have been part of my life since I can remember . But I am living my life , not my parents ' life - I want to have my own things around me . Not sure I remember what I have any more , 12 years is a long time . It is our life now - Eddie 's and mine . I guess I feel a bit disloyal selling or giving away Mom and Dad 's things . But it is also disloyal to Eddie to not have our things upstairs . I feel caught in the middle a bit , I want to move on with our life together . I think I am finally at that point I am ready to let go for myself . The advice to people is to wait a year before making any major decisions - it is almost 2 years since Mom moved to the adult family home . She won 't be coming home or need anything now , she isn 't really aware of anything outside where she lives . ( I think I am actually writing this to myself ) . This is probably the first July 4th in quite a while that we have had sun for several days . We tend to joke that summer doesn 't start until July 5th , this is one summer that seems to be more " normal " ( if you can define that ) . The sun and clouds have been playing hide go seek with each other , sometimes it is a hazy sun - not my favorite . We actually had almost 90 on Tuesday - much to warms for me . since I found out we have a furnace fan , I turn that on to help cool things off upstairs and bring some warmth and dryness to the basement . It works pretty well , so Eddie and I were comfortable sleeping that night . If it is going to be partly cloudy , then make it clear blue sky , bright sun and white puffy clouds . I don 't mind the clouds covering the sun for a bit - it has a lighter feel , hazy sunshine reminds me too much of L . A . and smog or East Coast with hazy , hot and humid . I think go it as the difference between having a bad headache and feeling great . Ocean Grove was founded in 1869 as an outgrowth of the camp meeting movement in the United States , when a group of Methodist clergymen , led by William B . Osborn and Ellwood H . Stokes , formed the Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association to develop and operate a summer camp meeting site on the New Jersey seashore . By the early 20th century , the popular Christian meeting ground became known as the " Queen of Religious Resorts . " The community 's land is still owned by the camp meeting association and leased to individual homeowners and businesses . Ocean Grove remains the longest - active camp meeting site in the United States . I knew Ellen 's birthday was coming up , but I have been so focused on myself that I let her birthday slip by . I planned to do couple of things and then suddenly the time has slipped away to be on her birthday . It will be a little late this year , but it is coming . I have the coolest sisters and so appreciate them , they have been a great support as I have been taking care of Mom and her needs . I wish they had been able to be here to see Mom when she had periods of recognizing her daughters . Sometimes she knows me , sometimes I am a familiar presence . Ellen sent more maple sugar candy for Mother 's Day , Mom really enjoys them . Ellen has a gift for choosing just the right gift for giving , I wonder how she does it . I remember one Christmas , she gave us a pair of the coolest scissors - I have used them for quilting , sewing and all kinds of things . They cut so smoothly and easily , they are my favorite pair . It was unexpected and turned out to be a wonderful choice . Ellen is my older sister , the one I played stick horses with when we lived in Southern California . She is 4 years older than I am but that didn 't seem to be a big gap when I was up to age 7 . First it was just a square stick with rope tied at the end for reins , then later Dad made heads for the sticks . I called mine Scout - probably after Tonto 's Scout . I can 't remember what Ellen named hers . We loved them and had a wonderful time playing with them . When we were moving up to Seattle , for some reason Dad wouldn 't let us take them . We never quite figured out why - they weren 't all that big . We both were upset and decided to put them behind the garage when we left . I wonder if anyone ever found them . She did have friends on our block more her age , but I also remember we spent a lot time together . I am sure she remembers Betsy , hot dogs and cheese . I remember my Dad bought Betsy - don 't ask me what year or model car she was - and he took us out for a drive . We all sat in the front seat and we realized there were a couple of floorboards missing . I think we went through a puddle and got splashed , but I am not sure . I have a vague memory of a show we put on with the some of the neighborhood kids , but that 's about all . Maybe she remembers better than I do . There was a game called " Kick the Can " the kids played . There was a coffee can filled with water flowers and who knows what other debris ; we went around in a circle with our eyes closed and whoever kicked the can over had to do something . Usually it was run up to someone 's door , ring the bell and run away . I remember only playing a couple of times . When moved up here to Seattle , suddenly Ellen seemed so much older . We went to Madrona grade school about 2 months before the year ended - I was in 2nd grade and she was in 5th grade . I had gone to school a year early , so I was 3 grades behind her rather than 4 . . We went to Madrona another year and then moved to this house . Ellen started junior high ( 7th grade ) and I went into 4th grade - 2 different schools and the age difference really seemed wide . Ellen has always been a wonderful artist and I watched her do her homework for the Famous Artist Course . It was a 3 year home study course , I admired her talent and ability . She is an amazing artist and has been taking photos in Ocean Grove , New Jersey , for several years . She has also done some paintings from those photos . She was married and then I left for Australia to be married , so we didn 't see each other for a long time . I would come and visit here , either by myself or with Eddie and she would come to see us . It 's funny ( peculiar ) how the gap seems to widen between us until the last few years . There is something about getting older that narrows the gap so I feel there isn 't such a gap . All three sisters have had very different lives , but now my sisters seem so much closer even though we live far away from each other . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Tripp got his first scrap of paper the day his mother died . He was four , and the paper was pure white . It was a rectangular sheet the size of his foot , folded into the shape of a feather . It came from the left wing of his mother 's god . Most of the kids played a gambling game as they waited , flicking small stones off of a big rock and trading scraps of paper depending on where their stones landed . From time to time the older kids would glance up at his mother 's bed , worried that she would wake up and yell at them for scattering stones all over her swept - dirt floor . They didn 't know whether Tripp 's mother would die from her illness , but Tripp was sure . This was the only time her god had ever stopped talking . The god was perched on a piece of white plastic pipe that cut across the corner between two mud - brick walls . Its head was tucked beneath one wing . Tripp 's mother had no eye for color , and had taken any paper she could get . The parrot was , at least in Tripp 's eyes , one of the ugliest gods in the village . He was glad to have first pick from the paper when his mother died , because there was only one sheet worth having , and he was so small that if he had to fight for paper he 'd likely get nothing at all . His mother never woke before she died , never said a word to Tripp . Her spirit simply slipped away a couple hours before sunset . At the moment she died , the magic that held her parrot together ended . All the scraps of paper burst apart and fluttered to the floor . The children eyed the paper eagerly , but held back . No one else could take anything until Tripp had selected his one piece . He walked along the edge of the room , careful not to trample any of the paper . He grabbed the white feather , and as soon as his hand closed on it , the room erupted in a frenzy of activity . The oldest kids emerged from the fray with armfuls of paper . Many of the younger children came out with nothing , for the parrot was not a particularly large god . Tripp was surprised to see Smoke clutching a tiny scrap of pink in her stubby fingers . When the others had gone , Tripp unfolded his feather and smoothed out the creases . He put the flattened sheet into the collection box his mother had used when she was a girl . He vowed to collect more paper than she had , all in matching colors . His animal would be so fantastic that it would attract the most powerful of all the gods . " This is an important moment in your young life , " Uncle Sariff said . " You will not make your god until you are twelve , but you must collect your paper and plan . The sooner you choose the form of your god , the better . " The temple was out beyond the outskirts of town , on a black - stone road that was built by the forsaken ones . Many years ago , the sides of the road were littered with ancient treasures . Even in his mother 's day , a little digging often turned up something useful . She 'd found the white plastic pipe that her god perched on somewhere along the road . The temple itself was a relic of those older times . The building was an enormous rectangle , with a vast expanse of black - stone spread all around it . Part of the roof had collapsed , but one room was completely intact - a room as big as Tripp 's mother 's house , with a large window made of glass . It was the biggest piece of uncracked glass that anyone in Tripp 's town had ever seen , even Granny Aura , who had seen a lot of things . On either side of the doorway that led to the wall of gods hung faded tapestries carefully embroidered with symbols that no one remembered how to read . Uncle Sariff opened the door for Tripp , and he stepped into the temple . On his right was the window , stretching nearly the entire length of the wall . On his left was the wall of gods - every inch of its surface was covered in a strange material , white like paper and crisscrossed with black lines to form an uneven grid . Each box of the grid contained an animal , not a live animal , but not exactly a picture either . The entire wall writhed with the movement of animals scurrying or climbing , waddling or flying . A few animals slept , and others swam . Several children sat quietly on the floor , studying the gods . Tripp made no move to join them , but instead walked right next to the wall , to get a closer look at the animals . Most were familiar - birds and lizards and small mammals . A few were grander gods , that Tripp had heard of , but never seen . After all , who could collect enough paper to make a rhinoceros ? Even Tripp , only six years old , knew better than to attempt such a thing . He shook his head as he walked , dismissing each animal as too grand or too plain , too ugly or too extravagant . Then something caught his eye . A small but prickly creature , covered in black spines with white tips . It was a god he had never seen in the town . " Don 't ever touch the wall of gods . Didn 't your mother teach you anything ? " Uncle Sariff had never laid a hand on Tripp before , and though his voice was quiet out of respect for the temple , Tripp could tell that he was angry . Tripp hung his head . He should have known better . He would be banned from the temple for weeks now , maybe more . As his Uncle pulled him away , he snuck one last look at what would one day be his god . He didn 't even know what the creature was called . As punishment , Tripp was forbidden from entering the temple until four years had passed . This despite the fact that he had not actually touched the wall . He supposed he should be grateful to Uncle Sariff for stopping him , since if he had actually touched the wall he might have been banned for life . Smoke was some help to him . She was making good progress on her flamingo , and if she was feeling particularly generous she would sometimes study his god and answer his questions about some little thing . There was so much he still didn 't know , although he had finally learned his god 's name . Porcupine , his uncle said , a few months after Tripp had been banned . Some children took several visits to the temple to decide on a god , and many changed their minds early on . But Tripp was sure . It was the perfect god , all in black and white , covered in thousands of long needles . To do it properly , he would need a lot of paper . Four years passed slowly , and Tripp gathered black and white paper as best he could . He could not go to the temple and meditate on the plan for his god , but he knew that he was far short of the paper he needed . When he was finally allowed back into the temple , he sat respectfully on the floor with the other children and studied his god . His heart sank . His paltry supply of paper was nowhere near enough . Paper was hard enough to come by for children who took anything - he had spurned anything colorful , anything dirty , anything damaged or torn . Somehow he had to find more . It sounded like a waste of time to Tripp . He had planned to watch Kale assemble his god , in hopes that there would be scraps of paper that would not fit . Kale had given a scrap of paper to Autumn yesterday , when it was clear that he had no use for it . Smoke had a knack for getting him to do what she wanted . He didn 't mind , really . She wasn 't as bad as most of the other kids . Her eyes were even kind of pretty , colorless and gray . She caught him looking and made a face . " Do you want me to come or not ? " he replied . She didn 't answer . For a while neither of them moved . He wondered if there was really a lot of paper in the dead city . Finally he relented . " I get all the white , and half of the black . " Smoke was going to make a flamingo . Tripp thought it was ridiculous , but you didn 't go around questioning other people 's gods . It was a strange choice , though . Everyone else wanted the best animal , the most paper , the powerful gods . Tripp had asked Smoke once , before he was old enough to know better , why she wanted a flamingo . She 'd simply shrugged and said she thought it suited her . It took them a couple hours to get to the dead city , trudging along on the black - stone road . Smoke chattered the entire time , but Tripp didn 't pay much attention . The abandoned buildings here were bigger than the ones in his village , but fewer of them were intact . Nearly all of them had collapsed , and the ground was covered in gray rock rubble and sparkling piles of shattered glass . It was a terrible place to look for paper . He turned to tell Smoke as much , but she had vanished . He peered up and down the road . There was no way to move forward , with the mountains of debris blocking the way . There was no sign of Smoke behind him , on the road back home . " There won 't be any paper up there , " she called . Her head was poking out of what looked like a window , cut into the concrete at the bottom of a pile of twisted steel beams . " I 'm not handing over half the black if all you 're going to do is stand up there and gawk . " He squeezed himself through the window . He took a few tentative steps past Smoke and into the middle of the room . His movement triggered some technology from the time of the forsaken , and suddenly the room was lit nearly as bright as outside . He jumped backwards , bumping into Smoke in his haste to get back to the window . Smoke laughed . " Lily told me about this place , once she had enough paper . There 's a whole maze of rooms down here , and most of them still have lights ! " Smoke ran up behind him and grabbed his arm . " Sorry . Lily laughed at me the first time I came . I guess it wasn 't that funny to me , then . " She handed him a bit of chalk . " Mark your path with arrows or something , and don 't get lost . We have to meet back here in time to walk back to the village for supper , so don 't go too far . " Tripp snatched the chalk and walked briskly away . Smoke called something after him , but he ignored her . She should have warned him about the lights . It wasn 't funny . He had gone through several rooms before he realized he hadn 't marked his path . He knelt at the door he 'd just come through and drew an arrow pointing back the way he 'd come . He thought about backtracking to mark the rest of his path , but it since it was a straight line of doors he was reasonably sure he could find his way . He looked around . Like most things from forsaken times , he couldn 't make heads or tails of the room he was standing in . It was filled with machines , tall boxy things with switches and display panels . None of them appeared to be working , although Tripp wasn 't sure he 'd be able to tell if they were . Certainly they were quiet and dark , and none of them were moving . He stood on tiptoe and reached up to brush the top of one . His hand came away covered in dust . The next room had more machines , although these were more varied in shape than the previous ones . There was a table made entirely out of metal , and a cylindrical bin woven from wires . The bin was empty , but Tripp rather liked the odd container , so he stooped to pick it up , and when he bent over , he noticed a tiny strip of black along the bottom of the wall . Higher up , someone had hung a decorative piece of cloth , a quilt or a tapestry , not unlike the ones that decorated the entryway to the wall of gods . There , the wall hangings framed the door , and Tripp could see scratches on the floor where someone had moved a file cabinet to see if there was an opening next to the quilt . But whoever it was hadn 't thought to look behind the quilt itself . Tripp pried one side of the quilt away from the wall , carefully placing the metal fasteners on top of the file cabinet . When the lights came on in that next room , Tripp dropped the bin to the floor . The metal clanged against the tiles , but Tripp hardly heard it . One of the walls was lined with shelves , and one of the shelves was full of books . Books . Each with hundreds of sheets of paper inside . He had never seen one before , he 'd only heard the stories Granny Aura told . But they were unmistakable . The whole room even smelled of musty paper . It was intoxicating . " No one has been here in a long time . " Tripp had been too excited to think it through , but of course Smoke was right . At some point , this had been a holy place . Otherwise why would it be behind the quilt ? " And it 's a lot of paper . " " It doesn 't feel right to take them , " she answered . " Lily found a few loose scraps , I thought it 'd be more like that . These are books . Do you actually think you could take one apart just to get the paper out ? " Tripp marched up to the shelf and pulled down a book . He opened it , and before he had a chance to think about it , he carefully pulled on the first sheet , slightly yellowed with age , but definitely white . It came free from the book with an ugly ripping noise . He stared at the jagged - edged sheet of paper in his hand , his emotions a mixture of pride and regret . Smoke was nearly in tears . She ran from the room and out of sight . Tripp sighed . He placed the mutilated book into the wire bin he 'd taken from the other room , and then stacked several other books in with it . There were still dozens of others on the shelf , but once Tripp returned with his loot the other kids would find this place and raid it for paper . One of the books on the lower shelf caught his eye . The cover was pink , and sure enough some of the pages inside were printed with pink castles and peachy - pink butterflies . His bin was full , but he took out one of his precious black - and - white books to make room for the pink monstrosity . He wanted Smoke to have something for helping him find all the books , even if she had gone all soft once they 'd found them . The town hall was packed full of every adult in the village , and , of course , their gods . Everyone was seated in no particular order , and gods slithered or scampered or flitted about , sometimes pausing to whisper something to their humans or to each other . Children , being godless creatures , were not normally allowed in the hall , but since Tripp and Smoke had found the books , they were permitted to stay . Tripp saved the books , his and Smoke 's , until the spring before they turned twelve . He knew that Smoke had mixed feelings about the book , but he wanted her to take it . He waited to give it to her until he was sure she would need the pink paper to make her Flamingo . " I don 't want it . " Smoke stared at the book in his hand , refusing even to touch it . He should have expected her response , but he had hoped that once the other books were in the temple she 'd be more enthusiastic . He could see that she meant it . Still , there was no way Smoke would have enough paper to make the god she wanted if she didn 't take it . He didn 't want her to have an ugly patchwork god , like his mother 's . She was the only one in the village who was nice to him , and she deserved a pretty god . So Tripp took the little pink book back to his mother 's house and used a knife he borrowed from his Uncle to carefully slice out each individual page . He worked methodically , cutting a dozen or so pages at once , concentrating on keeping the cuts clean and straight . He put the pages in a neat stack . Then he looked at the cover and nearly burst into tears . He had cut the pages as close to the cover as he could , but thin strands of paper clung to the spine . When he had torn the single page from his book , it had looked much the same afterwards , once the book was closed . But this was different . The cover was empty , and it closed in on itself , mangled , hollow , incomplete . He resisted the urge to shove the papers back in . The paper would have new life in Smoke 's flamingo . How could that be wrong ? Granny Aura 's god had wanted it that way , paper was better used than sitting bound in a book . When summer finally came , Tripp and Smoke and the village 's four other twelve - year - olds buried themselves completely in the tedious task of building bodies for their gods . They all sat together in the town hall , a space too big for a group so small , and rolled and folded and smoothed their papers into shape . Adults came in to monitor their progress , and some days younger children came to watch , in hopes of a scrap of unused paper . Day in and day out the twelve - year - olds sat together in silence , their god - bodies growing larger in front of them and their piles of paper shrinking behind them . Tripp often watched Smoke work as he rolled his paper . His god was mostly quills , which required a lot of rolling . The work was mindless , once he got into a rhythm . Black quills tipped with white , roll and roll the paper tight . He packed the paper rolls close together all around his god body , rolled so tight they were sharp . His fingers were laced with tiny cuts from the rolling and pinprick dots where he 'd jabbed himself on the quills . Here and there the white paper bore stains of his blood , but his god would make its body pure , once it was summoned . It would absorb the blood and that would only serve to bind them closer . Smoke , unlike Tripp , never looked up from her god . She worked carefully , but quickly , her hands flying over her paper to shape intricate feathers in shades of peach and pink and white . Tripp had seen her god on the wall , and thought it a gangly , awkward sort of beast , but in person it looked tall and stately , with long legs and a neatly curved black beak . Even the color was not so terrible . Tripp looked for the paper that he had given to Smoke , but could not find it in among the feathers . Finally , without her flamingo to distract him , he focused on his god - body . In his inattention , he had packed his quills too close together . The effect was actually rather nice , it made the body of his god look fuller and more elaborate . But the effect on his paper supply was devastating . He had rolled far too many quills , and he had only a few dozen sheets of paper left to make legs for his god . Not nearly enough to support the over - packed quill - heavy weight of its body , and there was still a bare spot near the tail that needed more quills . He laid out his remaining sheets , trying to think what to do . There wasn 't enough time to thin the quills and unroll them and press them flat and use them for legs . There wasn 't enough paper to make four legs . Or even two . He had enough to make a single leg , and what good would that be ? He rolled his last precious sheets of paper into quills and filled in the bare patch on his god - body 's tail . He wondered if anyone had ever created such a pitiful body before , and whether anyone had ever done so poorly as to not attract a god at all . He was so absorbed in this line of thought that he didn 't notice Smoke approaching until she touched his elbow . He shook his head . He didn 't want the sort of god that would inhabit a pink - legged porcupine ; he would rather carry his god wherever it wished to go . He hoped that there was a god that would understand his choice , and be willing to inhabit a legless body . But very quickly some gods decided that they didn 't fit the bodies that were offered . Soon the air began to thin , as hundreds of gods became dozens , and dozens dwindled down to ten . Two gods were particularly intrigued by the matching geckoes of the twins , and as they were without competition , they settled in , one in each body , and their respective humans splintered off a piece of their soul to bind the god to the body and the body to themselves . Two gods wanted the patchwork rainbow crow as well , although Tripp had no idea why . It was an ugly thing , with bright and garish colors that didn 't match . They too settled their dispute , with one taking the body and the other drifting away . Neither of the losing gods even came to look at his body before leaving , and there were only four gods left . All four of them were gathered around Smoke 's flamingo , and these were more persistent or more stubborn than the others . Here , at least , Tripp could see that the god - body was worth fighting for . The flamingo was beautifully made with paper carefully matched and different shades of pink and peach scattered just right to make the body look natural . It had a subtlety that the patchwork crow lacked , that even his own god body would not have attained even had he managed to finish it . And Smoke , of course , would be a good human to have , if one were a god . When none of the gods showed any signs of leaving , Smoke approached them . She whispered something , and two gods left . Neither came to Tripp 's legless porcupine . After a long pause , Smoke selected one of the two remaining . It swooped gleefully into her flamingo , and the remaining god hovered . Slowly , sadly , it came to hang before Tripp . Tripp looked over at Smoke , but she was busy binding her god . What had she whispered , to make the first two leave ? Had she coerced this god to come to him , if it was not chosen for her flamingo ? He did not want an unwilling god , but he had little choice . It was this god or none at all , and he bound it to his pathetic legless porcupine . All Tripp 's agemates had bonded well with their gods , and they were comfortable with each other 's presence . Tripp , on the other hand , could never escape the guilt he felt for trapping a reluctant god in a legless body . It didn 't help that Porcupine was always bringing it up . He walked to the dead city , pulling Porcupine in a wagon behind him . Porcupine made a big show of moaning and groaning any time there was even a slight bump . When they passed the temple , Porcupine said , " let 's go in . I want to look at the wall . " Tripp picked up his god and carried him down through the narrow window that opened underneath the jumbled steel bars and concrete rubble . He took Porcupine through the maze of rooms until they found the door behind the tapestry , and went inside . The books were gone , of course - all taken back to the temple where they could be worshipped . " But how would I bind them ? I only have so much self , and I must use a piece to tie my god to its body . " Tripp puzzled through his thoughts , speaking them aloud . " And besides , a god can only be made in a human 's twelfth summer , and called on the last day of summer . " Porcupine snorted . " I don 't know where that started . Gods can take a body at any time , and they needn 't be bound to humans . But that 's no matter . There 'll be plenty of time for that later . First I 'll need my legs . " Tripp looked down at Porcupine , who he 'd set down on the floor . It was forbidden to add to your god body once it held a god , but was that restriction merely to make sure the children had enough paper ? For here was paper enough to make an army of gods , and Porcupine needed legs . Tripp had hoped that once Porcupine was complete he would be less whiny , but apparently complaining was simply a part of his nature . The new legs were sturdy and held Porcupine up off the ground , but there was something wrong with them - they didn 't move . In between long tirades about the sad state of his defective legs , Porcupine berated Tripp to work faster at building new gods . Tripp was going as fast as he could - after a bit of exploring they had found a short route to the surface , and now he only stopped to go up and find food , or relieve himself , or to go to the temple and study the diagrams on the wall of gods . He even slept in the library . Working like this , he could make a god in a week . Most of the books in the great library were black text printed on yellowing white paper , and the monkey was made entirely from this . From a distance he looked yellowish gray , which Tripp thought was rather unappealing . Worse , the monkey did not move . Porcupine was furious , but he insisted that Tripp keep working . " Maybe we have to go to the town hall ? " Tripp asked . " Or it 's just the wrong time . We always call the gods in the summer , and it is winter now . " " Oh , Tripp . " Smoke stood at the entryway , ignoring the many shelves of books and instead looking only at the animals that Tripp had made . Her flamingo stood behind her , craning its neck this way and that to take in the room . Tripp tried to remember . They had not returned to that room after the first time , but there would be tracks in the dust . He backtracked along their trail until he found it , leaving Porcupine behind in the room with all the books . Flamingo was circling the machine , much as Porcupine had . Then he began to peck furiously against the casing with his beak , making a frightful clanging noise that echoed through the room . The casing fell away to reveal a tangle of brightly colored wires . " It is not the way of things . One human and one god , bound together at the height of summer . What he wants will destroy the balance of the world . " " He cannot be allowed to build an army . When summer comes , the gods will take the bodies you have made , and they will remake the world to suit them . It has happened before . " Flamingo said . " What if I just destroy the other god - bodies , and stop building new ones ? " Tripp asked . He didn 't want to harm Smoke , but it didn 't seem fair to hurt Porcupine either , even if he was whiny . Tripp wanted to believe his god , but he had known all along that building the other animals was wrong . Porcupine had led him down the wrong path , and now he had to make it right . " You have to choose , Porcupine . Stay here in the library , or let flamingo break the machine ? " Tripp took apart the paper god bodies sheet by sheet , smoothing each paper and stacking it in tidy piles on the library shelves . Last of all he took back Porcupine 's legs , though he wished he could leave his god at least that much . Smoke and her flamingo watched them closely the entire time , to make sure that Porcupine did not regain his influence . Porcupine turned his attention to Tripp . " Flamingo says I must be killed , because I would have killed people . But I never killed anything . We made things , you and I . Beautiful things . We could remake them , all the grandest animals to house the most magnificent gods - " " No , Porcupine , " Tripp said . He had wanted that , once . He had spent his entire childhood dreaming of the perfect animal and the most fantastic god , but he had never meant for things to come out like this . He was surrounded by the evidence of his bad choices . Stacks of paper filled the shelves and empty book spines littered the floor . And still , in the midst of it all , was Porcupine , urging him even now to build more bodies . Tripp looked at Smoke and Flamingo , waiting quietly for him to decide . He barely knew Flamingo , and yet already he trusted Flamingo more than he trusted his own god . Or maybe he simply trusted Smoke more than he trusted himself . They both knew that Porcupine was too dangerous , and that Tripp was too easily influenced . Tripp forced himself to admit it , and to say aloud , " I 'm sorry , Porcupine . If you don 't want to stay locked away down here , we have to destroy you . " " Destroy me , then , " Porcupine said . " I have backups , stored on machines all around the world . All I will lose is this sorry excuse of a body . " Tripp walked back along the black - rock road with Smoke and Flamingo , keenly aware of his missing god . " It was my fault as much as his . I trapped him in a broken body . If he had been whole , he might have been content . " To his surprise , Smoke put her hand on his shoulder . " When the gods came on the last day of summer , I did something foolish . I saw that none of the gods had chosen your porcupine , and so many wanted my flamingo . So I asked that whichever one I didn 't choose go and be your god . " " Flamingo told me later that it wasn 't a request , but a command , " she said , " but I didn 't know that at the time . I thought I was asking . Either way , it 's my fault that your god was trapped in a broken body . Your god was so sure that I would choose him , he was willing to risk being stuck in a broken body . " Tripp wondered what it would have been like , to have Flamingo as his god . It didn 't matter , he supposed . Now he would be the only adult in the village without a god at all . " And now I 'm broken , just like Porcupine was . I lost a piece of my soul and I don 't even have a god . I don 't know why I 'm even going back . No one will want a godless man in their village . " " You destroyed your god because you knew it was the right thing to do . There will be at least some people who appreciate that . " Smoke said . She reached out and held his hand . Even before Tripp had a god , his obsession with building the perfect god had gotten in the way of his friendship with Smoke . He 'd lost his god , but regained his friend . " It isn 't right to have a godless man in our village , " Granny Aura began , and Tripp 's heart fell . He stared at the old woman . Her guinea pig grinned up at him from her feet . Granny Aura 's guinea pig , no longer able to contain itself , bounded over to Smoke and did an excited little hopping dance around her legs . Smoke smiled at Tripp , but also fanned out the paper so that he could see , in the middle of the stack , the pink paper she had offered him when all his black and white was gone . It had been available to him then , and he would have to use it now . He made another porcupine , for there had been little time to plan and a porcupine was the only body he knew that used the right amount of paper . It would be another layer to his punishment , to look each day upon the god he had once destroyed . He packed the black - and - white quills tight around its body , and used the pink paper from Smoke to make short sturdy legs . It was not as beautiful as Smoke 's flamingo , but it was whole , and when the gods came to choose their bodies , one of them selected it . At his new porcupine 's suggestion , Tripp collected all the paper from the disassembled army of gods . It was hard work , but rewarding to think that he was making up for his past mistakes . Every day for months on end , Tripp walked back and forth from the city , carrying stacks of paper in his basket made of wire mesh . He moved the paper to a small storage room in the temple , to be shared out amongst the village children . Even Uncle Sariff agreed that the paper should be put to use since the books had already been destroyed . With Porcupine 's encouragement , Tripp labored without complaint until it had all been moved - ten million sheets of paper , all in black and white . Caroline M . Yoachim is a writer and photographer living in Seattle , Washington . She is a graduate of the Clarion West Writers Workshop and was nominated for a Nebula Award for her 2010 novelette , " Stone Wall Truth . " Her fiction has appeared in Asimov 's , Lightspeed , and Daily Science Fiction , among other places . For more about Caroline , check out her website at carolineyoachim . com . and delivered to you in 0 . 428 seconds using 27 queries . Theme : Connections Reloaded v2 . 1 by Ajay D ' Souza . Derived from Connections . Original graphics by Nicole Thayer . |
It was a snowy February day in Boston and I was on my way home from work . My office was on the North side of town out by the I - 95 outer loop and I lived farther north in a fairly rural area or at least as rural as you can get in this part of the country . I had driven about 45 minutes , a trip that usually takes about 30 . As I rounded a curve in the road , a new Mercedes slk coming in the other direction lost control on the slippery curve and slid off the road just in front of me . Where it went off the road was a fairly steep hill and the Mercedes rolled twice before striking some trees . It was a bad wreck . I stopped the car and hurried over to the wreck . There was one person in the car . She was a woman in her mid 20 's . Even though the air bags worked , she was a mess . Her face was covered in blood , probably from the broken windshield . She was struggling to get out but was trapped . The car was on its side kind of wedged between two trees . I know that you are not supposed to move an injured person for fear on injuring them more but she was moving and I could see gas leaking from the mangled wreck onto the exhaust system and I was afraid there would be a fire so I took a rock and broke the drivers side door window , used the multi - tool that I carry in my pocket to cut her seat belts and pulled her out of the car . I dragged her about 50 feet and laid her down . I put my coat under her to keep her out of the snow as much as I could . I was right about the fire . Just then the Mercedes literally exploded in flames . The heat was almost enough to burn us at that distance . I made a 911 call to the police on my cell phone and they and an ambulance arrived in just a few minutes . The young woman had lapsed into unconsciousness . I 'm not a doctor but she looked pretty bad . The ambulance took her to the closest hospital and I gave my report to the police and then continued home thinking how lucky I was not to have been involved in the wreck and hoping the woman would be OK . It was about a week later when the phone rang . It was the hospital . They said that the young woman in the wreck had gotten my name from the police and would like to meet me . They told me that her name was Lisa Johnson and she was in room 205 . I said I would be happy to stop in . I would try to do it tomorrow afternoon . I got to the hospital about 3 o ' clock and went to the floor desk . The nurse on duty said Miss . Johnson was anxious to see me and I should go right in . It was a private room with a nice view . She was lying in the hospital bed with her eyes closed . I quietly said , " Miss Johnson ? " thinking I would go back out if she did not answer . She turned her head and gave me a big smile and said " Hi " . She sure looked a lot better than the last time I saw her . I said , " Hi , my name is Paul . " " I know " , she said , " I found out all about you . You 're the guy who saved my life . " She had blond hair that came down to about her shoulders but I 'll bet in was not natural . She was very pretty . She reached out her hand and said , " Come here Paul I want to thank you . " I went over next to the hospital bed and she took my hand and just smiled up at me . We stayed there for a minute and did not say anything . Then she reached out with her other hand and took hold of my cock and balls through my pants . I guess I was surprised as I jumped back a little bit but she did not let go . She promptly took hold of the top of my zipper and pulled it down , reached into my briefs and took my manhood out . This attention was making it quickly grow from its normal flaccid state . She looked up and gave me an even bigger smile , pulled me closer to the side of the bed , rolled over on her side facing me and put my cock in her mouth . After just a couple movements back and forth with her head she had me fully hard and all the way into her throat . You could tell she had done this before . She took me out of her mouth and with both hands she undid my belt and slid my pants and shorts down to my knees . It was not an easy job getting my briefs over my now fullyMaybe , I should tell you a little about me now . I am a 50 - year - old white male . I 'm 6 ' tall and weigh about 200 # . I 've stayed in pretty good shape and have been told that I am attractive . I have a seven - inch cock that is quite thick . I have always been proud of it . I was happily married for 30 years till I lost my wife about a year ago . When we were in our early twenties we did some swinging but she did not really enjoy it so we stopped . Later I had a couple short affairs . My wife said she would be ok with me " dating " if I wanted to but she did not want to know about it so I don 't know if you would call it cheating or not . " Just don 't find anyone that you want more than me ! " I never did . I miss her . Well , back to the story . Lisa and I talked for some time . I was right about her , she was in her mid 20 's . 24 to be exact . It turns out that she lived with her mother after her dad died in a plane crash . He had left them a lot of money but she worked here in Boston because she wanted to . They lived a couple miles from my house but had built a nice beach house on St Thomas Island in the Virgin Islands . She said that her mother was there now and that she had told her mother not to come back to Boston to see her as she was not hurt real bad and would come to the Island as soon as she was released from the hospital . Lisa asked me if I would like to come with her to the beach house for a little visit . With the nasty Boston winter weather and what Lisa had just done for me , I couldn 't say no - could I ? She said she was getting out in a couple days and she would call me and let me know the arrangements . I went home still lost in what had just happened . Lisa called and told me to meet her at the airport the next day . I arranged to get a week off from work and packed a bag . I met her where she told me to and she took me to her family 's private jet for the trip . I finally got a good look at Lisa . She was maybe 5 ' 6 " , 130 # , 34 C on the top , very white complexion and very attractive but not a super model . As we flew , she rested her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her . I brushed her hair and her cheek with my fingers . She took my other hand and put it on her breast . I looked at her and asked about the pilot . She said that he never looks back but it would not matter if he did . She then put her hand on my crotch and gave me a big kiss sliding her tongue into me mouth . Our tongues rubbed and went into each other 's mouths . She sucked hard on mine and I returned the action . She was wearing a short skirt even though it was near zero when we left Boston . I put my hand on her thigh and gently rubbed it . She parted her legs and I moved my hand up towards her pussy . I soon found that she was not wearing panties and that she had shaved totally . She was soaking wet and I mean wet . She had made a big wet spot on the cushion . I had never been with anyone who got that wet that fast . I ran my finger up between her pussy lips and found her clit . At my touch she moaned and kissed me even harder . I slid one then two fingers into her cunt . She was tight but so wet that it was easy . I finger fucked her for a couple minutes and she bucked her hips in time with my strokes . I decided that I wanted to return her favor so I stopped , folded up the seat arm between us and spread her legs wide . Then I dropped to the floor with my head between her legs . Her thighs were wet with her liquids and I licked them clean . She tasted wonderful . I worked my tongue up to her lips and slid it in between them and licked her hole . I could feel her whole body shake . She put her hands behind my head and guided me to her clit . I sucked and licked her clit and she pulled me tighter to her . I was havinWhat a difference in the weather . Here on St . Thomas it was sunny and 80 . Wonderful . The pilot also drove the car . This one was a Mercedes sedan . I guess they liked Mercedes . I found out later that Lisa 's father had been a Mercedes dealer and they still owned the dealership . We arrived at a huge house on the beach . I bet it was 4000 square feet or more on a sandy beach with several decks overlooking the brilliant blue ocean framed by white sand and green palm trees . WOW ! The woman in the driveway was Lisa 's mom . I was introduced to Marcia . Marcia gave me a big hug and kiss and thanked me for what I had done for her daughter . " We will never forget it . " Marcia was in her mid 40 's . She was a very attractive slender woman but had big boobs . I 'll bet 40D with nipples that stood well out under the thin white blouse that she was wearing . There was almost no sag at all . She had a great tan and I could not see any tan lines where I could see . As we stood out in the drive I could not help but look at Marcia 's tits . She noticed me and asked if I liked them . She said , " They cost me $ 10 , 000 " . With Marcia leading the way and Lisa holding my hand and happily skipping like a little girl we went into the house . Marcia said that she was sure that Lisa and I would want to rest up after the trip and they showed me to my room . It had a great ocean view and king sized bed and its own bathroom . It was mid afternoon and Marcia suggested that we rest till dinnertime . She said that she had a little get together planned with some local friends for the next evening . A few hours later I came out and found Lisa and Marcia in the living room . What a room . It must have been 20x30 with 12 - foot high ceilings and a full glass wall looking out over a large deck to the ocean . As great as the room and view were , Lisa and her mom were just as great . They were wearing matching thong bikinis in bright orange . Lisa looked great in hers but Marcia was a knock out with those big tits that just barely stayed in her top . They both ran over and gave me a big hug and said , " We 've been waiting for you . Let 's go for a swim " . I went back to my room to put my trunks on . I had just gotten them up to my knees when the door opened about half way and Marcia stuck her head in . She smiled and said , " Aren 't you ready yet ? " Then she was gone . When I came out they were already on the beach at the water 's edge kicking water at each other . I ran down to join them . How great , in February , to have nice warm swimming water . After a few minutes swimming and looking at Marcia and Lisa we went back into the house to eat . They both put on matching beach towels around their bottoms but left their tops the way they were . I went back to my room and put on shorts and a blue Hawaiian style shirt . Marcia had fixed a wonderful Mahi Mahi fish dinner with pineapple upside down cake for desert . After dinner we sat in the living room as the sun set . Marcia served a couple tropical drinks . I did not know what was in them but they were great . We talked a little and watched a little TV but decided to turn in early so we would be well rested for the next few days . I was off to my room for a good nights rest . A couple hours later I woke as I heard a noise at my door . The door opened and it was Marcia . She was still dressed as she had been for supper . She said that she was sitting in the living room and got to thinking that she just had to thank me again for saving Lisa . I said that I was glad that I could and that this trip was a wonderful thank you . I had never been anywhere like this . Marcia came the rest of the way in and said that she wanted to do more than that to thank me . She sat on the edge of my bed and reached back and unhooked her bikini top and let it fall . " I saw you looking at these all afternoon and evening " she said . With that she leaned over and put one of the nipples to my mouth . I happily accepted it . It stood out and you could see it under what she wore but as I sucked on it , it must have doubled in size and got hard like a little erection . She moaned and wiggled her chest back and forth . I reached up and cupped each of her breasts with my hands . They were firm but really felt natural . Marcia stood up and dropped her beach towel and thong bottom . Marcia had a very hairy bush . I wondered if that was how Lisa is when she does not shave . Then she took the sheet that I had over me and pulled it down . I sleep naked . I am sure you guessed that I was already hard as a rock . She made a whistling shape with her lips and said " Nice " . She lay down beside me and kissed me and rubbed her wonderful huge tits against my chest . I have a hairy chest and she said she loved the way my chest hair tickled her nipples . After a few minutes of touching and kissing she straddled my hips facing me so her tits loomed over me . She reached back with her hand and took my cock and guided it to her hole . She eased down on it till it was fully in her . She was still pretty tight for her age . Each time she bounced up and down on me her butt muscles would squeeze tight on my cock and her tits jiggled in front of my face . She leaned over enough so that I could grab her tits with my lips each time one of them wiggled past me . I was in All of a sudden I heard the door open again . It was Lisa . I was afraid that this might be the end of my fun with both of them but both of them is what I should have been thinking about because Lisa said " Having fun ? " and stripped off the night shirt that she was wearing . She came over to the bed and gave me a kiss then got onto the bed facing the same way as her mother but straddling my head and lowering her pussy onto my mouth . I eagerly started eating her out while Marcia resumed bouncing up and down on my rock hard cock . I sucked Lisa 's clit and licked her pussy hole . After a couple minutes she got off me and turned around . Now I could not reach her clit but could lick and tongue fuck her pussy and ass hole . I could not see but this position allowed mother and daughter to play with each other 's tits and deep kiss while I serviced both of their pussies . I was about to come so I lifted Lisa off my face and told them to stop so I could settle down and not come yet . They both stopped and got off with me still on my back and hard . Marcia turned around and faced the other way and put my cock back in her . Then she lay back so her back was on my chest . She spread wide and I started fucking into her from the rear . I felt Lisa get back onto the bed between her mothers legs . She leaned forward and started licking and sucking her mother 's clit while I fucked her . Marcia exploded in a very hard orgasm . Her fingers dug into the mattress on either side of me and her body shook and her juices ran down my cock onto my legs and my balls . That made me reach my limit and I shoved deep into Marcia 's cunt and shot my load . Marcia lifted herself off my shaft and squeezed her muscles causing my cum to flow out of her where Lisa eagerly lapped up the mixture of my and her mother 's juices causing Marcia to come again . Then they each climbed up on either side of me , leaned over me and kissed each other and me , sharing all of our juices . Then they lay down and we all fell asleep about 3am . The next day we awoke about 11am . I kissed each of them but we did not get sexual . We showered and had breakfast - or I guess it was brunch . Marcia started to get ready for that night 's friends . It was to be after dinner so it would be snacks and drinks . Lisa and I took a ride around parts of the island . We took an older 450sl and she drove just because she wanted to . Lisa showed me most of the sights on the island and we stopped for a snack as we knew that there would be so much food later that we did not want a full dinner . We had some kind of local food that Lisa ordered . I did not know what it was but I liked it . We got home about 5 pm and did not see anyone around . We went into the back yard and there was Marcia working on her tan . Now I know for sure that she does not have tan lines . She was fully nude and their pilot / driver / ? ? ? was rubbing sun lotion all over her . He was nude too but nothing sexual was going on . I bet he was big as he was about 7 inches soft . Lisa did not seem to pay any attention and we went back into the house . Guests would be here about 7pm . Dress was casual but nice - no swim suits . We rested and then got ready . A little after 7 the first guests arrived and by about 8 there were about 20 people milling around eating from the buffet table and drinking the boozed up fruit punch . The party seemed a little dull and put on . People were happy to be there but did not seem to be having much fun . After a few drinks of the punch , things loosened up a little but it never seemed like a party . I was introduced to everyone and got lots of thanks for saving " our little Lisa " . By about 10 most everyone had left . One man that I had met earlier was still there . His name was Bob and he had a beach house just a couple houses down the beach . He was in his late 40 's , about 5 ' 10 " and weighed about 250 # with a pretty large beer belly . All evening he had sat on the couch with a tiny young black girl tight up against his side . She wore a simple but nice black dress with no jewelry . I had been introduced to him but not her . After things were winding down I had a chance to talk with them . It turned out that she was named Alicia . She was an 18 - year - old local girl . She was tiny , only about 5 ' 1 " and not much over 100 # . She was very flat chested at about a 32A . She had as black of skin as anyone that I had ever seen . All night I had never heard her say a word . She mostly sat there and occasionally went and got Bob something . Bob said that she was his live in house girl . Bob suggested that I come over to see his house and his collection of seashells that he was very proud of . I told him that I would like to do that and we decided that we would get together the following evening . By 11 everyone was gone . I helped clean up . The one thing that the Johnson 's did not have was someone to help around the house . We called it an evening and went off to our rooms . About 1am I got up to go to the bathroom . I heard noises out on the deck and out of curiosity I took a look . There was Marcia naked on a lounge chair with legs spread wide and her knees almost up around her ears . The pilot / driver was pounding his cock into her wide - open cunt . It was obvious that he couldThe next day Marcia was walking a little funny . I wonder why . Lisa gave me a big good morning kiss and said " I thought you might visit me in my room last night but you never did . " I said that I thought everyone was worn out after the party but that I would look forward to visiting her soon . I thought that with everything that had gone on I still had not fucked Lisa . That afternoon was spent in the tourist areas so I could shop for things to take home . That evening after dinner I remembered that I had told Bob that I would go visit his house that evening . About 8pm I walked down the beach to Bob 's house and knocked on the door . Alisia answered the door . She was totally naked . Her tiny little black body stepped back and she asked me to please come in . It was the first time I had heard her say anything . She led me to the living room where Bob was sitting . I guess he could tell from the look on my face that I was confused so he said that he never let her wear anything when she was in the house . I sat down and Alisia promptly brought us drinks . Bob and I chatted and he showed me his shell collection , which was indeed fine . Alisia brought another round of drinks and left . Bob started telling me how he supported Alisia 's family as pay for her services . How she did all the household chores and did anything that he or his guests told her to do . To show his point he called her into the room and told her to bring her toy . Alisia quickly showed up with a bright red dildo . " Show us a little show " Bob said . She laid down on a small area rug in front of Bob . First she put the dildo in her mouth and sucked in till she had it in as far as it would go and still have a place for her to hold it . Then she placed it at her pussy and pushed it in . She fucked herself deep and hard with it while rubbing her clit with her other hand . The contrast between the red dildo and her dark black skin was a great choice . Soon she was moaning and wiggling around in orgasm . Then to show Bob and me that it was a real orgasm and not faked she showed boIn the morning Lisa greeted me with a sad face . I explained that we had stayed up talking till the small hours and I was just too tired and drunk when I got back to do anything . After breakfast she asked me if I SCUBA dived . I said yes but did not get to do it very often . She smiled again and called the driver / pilot and told him to get the boat ready . About 11 he drove us to the marina and loaded our dive gear into their 30 ft scarab . Lisa drove and after we got out of the marina all she knew was full speed . The boat must have had big motors , as full speed was faster than I have ever gone in a boat . Her hair looked great blowing straight back from the wind . We reached the spot where she wanted to drive . She stopped the boat and I threw out the anchor . She stripped out of her cloths and I started to put on my trunks . Lisa stopped me and said , " it feels much better to dive in the nude . " We put on our tanks and jumped in the inviting warm water . She was right . It felt great to feel my cock and balls floating free in the water . What a sight it was to watch Lisa swimming . The buoyancy of the water made her tits form just the perfect shape and when she swam they moved in the sexiest way . I stayed below her and just watched . I was paying so much attention to her that I swam right into the anchor line with a start . We were in about 10 feet of water looking at the fish and plants . I was enjoying this . Lisa swam over to me and reached out and took my cock in her hand and stroked it up and down . She pulled herself down and took her mouthpiece out and replaced it with my cock . After I got hard she put her mouthpiece back in so she could get air . She turned around and drifted to the bottom with her hands and feet on the bottom . She was hanging on to a rock to keep her position . She reached back with one hand and pointed to her ass . I took hold of her hips and pulled myself behind her and lined my cock up with her pussy and guided it into her . I had to hold on tight to her hips as I pumped into her to keep from coming out and We got up about 10 o ' clock and went out . Marcia was in the kitchen with batter made so when we got up she could make us some pancakes . As we ate , Marcia pushed her chair back away from the table and slid to the floor . She came over under the table and took my cock out from my shorts . She proceeded to suck me off and get a mouth full of my cum . She got back in her seat and put my cum into her cup of coffee . She stirred it and drank it . " I always like a little cream in my coffee and we were out " she said . Lisa smiled at me and said , " This is your last full day with us so I have planned another little party for this evening . I think you will like this one better than the last one . " The guests were due to arrive about 8 . This time they started arriving a little early and by 8 everyone was there . This time the guests were mostly younger . Mostly they looked from about Lisa 's age to about mid 30 's . There were a couple girls that I think were in their teens . Some arrived as couples but most were singles . There were about a dozen people there , mixed about half and half men and women . Dress was mini skirts , cut off shorts , halter - tops and the like . There were no introductions . People went to the table for snacks and drinks and sat around the living room listening to rock music mostly from the 80 's . Shortly after 8 Marcia said to one of the teenaged girls , " Brenda , why don 't you get things started . " Brenda stood up in the middle of the room and started dancing to the music . She began rubbing her tits and her crotch and the partygoers were cheering her on . She went to the shelves on the wall and got an empty wine bottle and sat it in the middle of the floor . She started dancing again as she stripped off all of her clothes . She squatted down over the bottle and started doing deep knee squats over it , fucking it into her pussy . At one point she squeezed her butt muscles together and picked the bottle up off the floor in her pussy . She took it back to the shelf where she had gotten it from and everyone cheered and clapped for her . While this was going on many of the others had started kissing and grabbing other partygoers and taking off their clothes . By now no one was fully dressed . Marcia went over to a closet and got out a plastic sheet and laid it out in the center of the room . It was probably about 10x10 . She then put a bottle of cooking oil in the middle and told everyone to finish getting undressed and come to the middle of the room . Everyone got in a circle like a football huddle . Marcia got in the middle and put a lot of the oil on her hands and started rubbing it on tits and cocks all around the circle . Then the bottle was passed around and all the others started doing the same thing . This waOver the next couple hours I saw more different things than I had in my life . Once things got really going , I saw two girls doing 69 while a guy fucked the one on top while she alternated between the pussy below her and a cock in front of her face . One girl was yelling in joy as she was DP ' ed by the two guys at the party with the biggest cocks . And they were BIG . Another guy was fucking one of the teen girls while a second guy fucked the first guy in the ass . I saw one girl getting fisted and wanting more . Mostly it was guy / girl and girl / girl sex but some guy / guy and no one seemed to mind . There was frequent swapping of partners and there was cum and oil all over everyone . If the plastic had not been there the carpet would have been ruined . Eventually people started to get worn out and drift away . I 'm sure that everyone had fucked and sucked at least three or four other people . I know that I was in one hole or the other of every woman at the party and came in three different holes although I can 't tell you which ones they were or who they belonged to . I also ate out every pussy at the party and as time went on they had more and more cum dripping out of them . I may have been sucked by one of the guys but I can 't say for sure . Nobody got turned off by anything . When the orgy broke up some people showered and drove home and others just walked naked down the beach dragging their clothes behind them . Marcia , Lisa and I showered together but none of us had any energy left for more fucking . We headed to our own rooms for some sleep . The next day I was sad to think that it was time to go home . We all hugged and kissed and said how much fun we had had and promised to keep in touch and maybe do this again some time . They told the driver to take me back to Boston . On the way we talked and I finally found out that his name was David . David said that this was not much wilder than a normal week at the Johnson 's beach house . He had met Marcia at a sex party in Boston and she was so excited about how long he could fuck , which was at least a half an hour at full hard fast speed and sometimes longer , that she hired him to be their pilot , driver , take care of things around house and take care of her any time she , and only she , needs to be fucked . She pays him $ 50 , 000 a year plus room and board and he was having the time of his life . We landed back in Boston . It was sunny and 20 . A nice day for Boston in February . I went for my car as David flew the plane back to Marcia and Lisa . As I was driving home to my family I started wondering what I could do to save another little rich girl . How incredibly tiemly ! Just yesterday , I got a chance to tell the woman who inspired me to be a SAHM . I used to spend the night with her daughter and I was always so impressed with how warm and cozy their house was . It was funny how differently we remembered it . She thought their house was dumpy because their financees were tight with her being a SAHM . As a child I thought it was grand because of the love it contained . Truly . I remember it being the prettiest place in the world . I remember saying I wanted to be a mom just like her . It was my dream . Now I 'm getting the chance to make it come true , and I 'm not giving it the energy it deserves . God has been dealing with me about it all weekend . This is why I love blogs ! God SO uses them to reinforce His message . Once again great story but ended a little too soon . Couch the story for a couple of days and let your imagination take over ! The orgy scene could have been so much better |
Through interviews with survivors intercut with the hallucinatory account of one man 's descent into a protective insanity , The Curtain and the Earth tells the story of the Stath - Khellian Fissure , a fictional genocide in a faraway land . Warner Schonborn , an American engineer , is swept into its maelstrom and becomes witness to the annihilation of an entire country and its people . Lost in this unthinkable disaster , he falls into a fugue state in which he dreams of encountering the hand of God himself , a God forced out of a billion - year silence during the genocide 's last days to physically erase earth 's barbaric past . Before experiencing this final cataclysm , Warner first survives a series of brutal ordeals both mitigated and intensified by the friendship of an endangered young boy and a mysterious living saint . Warner 's final day in America was a Friday , the twenty - second , and his wife Sandra had us all gather in the house about an hour and a half before he was due home from the office . She was wearing a lovely red dressing gown . There were about twelve of us , I think , and as soon as we heard Warner 's Saab pull into the driveway we hid , mostly in the open kitchen , some people in the upstairs hallway . From where I was I could see Warner park the car and walk up to the front door , where for some reason his key would not work . Now keep in mind that Sandra had not explained this part . We were confused . Warner tried his key and then there was a silence in which he must have been reading the frightening note Sandra had left for him . In it she said merely that she had found out about the ' woman ' , and that the locks had been changed . Then Warner was walking around the side of the house and he appeared at the rear screen door , which was open . He stepped in , a dead expression on his face . Sandra at this time was standing in the sunken living room , but she did not yet give us the cue to come out . Warner held the note in his hands , and saw Sandra , and he tried to speak but couldn 't at first . " Sandra , " he said finally , " what is this ? What can this possibly mean ? " And she only stood there , watching him holding his briefcase uselessly , breathing hard . She was cool and collected . When she spoke , the tone of her voice was one I had never heard before . It was chilling . She said : " You thought you could spit on God himself , Warner . That 's what you believed . " That was when she showed him the gun . She let it dangle by her side , and seeing it , Warner 's eyes went wide , and he muttered her name in dread terror , and I thought - - we all thought - - she would never do something like this , even as a joke , and it was so unsettling I stood up and yelled Surprise ! and Sandra laughed and did too , and in a moment everyone was surrounding Warner and laughing . He nearly collapsed . Safe trip , Warner , we shouted , best of luck , we had to make you miss us , and in came the champagne . He was laughing then , but there was a shadow on his face , like the kind when a phone rings in the middle of the night and it � s the police or the hospital and there � s simply no breath to be had . The terror had been too real , it was a negative thing . I saw Sandra stroking his chin and gently pressing the starter pistol into his right hand so he could examine it and laugh some more . He held it for a long time , tight in his palm , considering it , I think , and after that night , I never saw him again . Yes . That is a good place to begin . I was taken to the Hill for the first time in November of 2003 . This was just a few months , I understand , after prisoners were taken for the first time . It 's still strange to me that they selected me for that trip , but I don 't think about it much now . It could have been anyone . They just needed a man with some engineering knowledge to answer their questions . The day before I was called into Ritchnic � s office and given a special pass , and a car was arranged to take me there . The Hill of Aries meant nothing to anyone then . It was only a place . It had been a camp for years , since the mid - nineties . I had a driver , yes . The trip was visually exciting , it took about an hour and a half to get to Oroyzo . I was a bit confused , but I didn 't mind . I hadn � t yet seen most of the countryside . When we got there , my pass was taken and inspected very carefully . The Khellian soldier guarding the gates waved us through , but then another came running up to us , telling us I would have to walk . My driver stayed and I went . I think the commander of the camp was there briefly , and his assistant . They were courteous but hardly friendly . They seemed angry that it had been so hot for so long . You saw many Stath peasants ? Yes , inside the camp were dozens and dozens of makeshift tents and lean - tos . The Staths were all around , but they seemed healthy , and not in any way prisoners . They were quite lethargic , though , even the children , under that awful heat . It was around noon and already close to one hundred degrees . We were four : one guard , an assistant to the commander , as he had introduced himself , and a man named Fobl , who was the only one dressed in the garish maroon fatigues of a Khellian soldier . We walked past all the tents and a few shacks . Fobl kept saying , " It � s up ahead , it � s up ahead . " And in the general center of the camp was the house . It was quite an anomaly . It was a small , one - story tract house , painted a deep green . It looked like something that had been transplanted from Maryland . Quite odd . No . At that time it was maybe the administrative building . We entered through a screen door , a traditional screen door . It must have been an American who built the house . Inside , it was exactly what you might expect in this country . It was a makeshift home , really , carpeted , with a kitchen area , a television set , an air conditioner stuck in the window . I saw two flowerpots in a windowsill , no flowers . There were two soldiers inside , both sitting on a couch lazily . They barely even looked at us when we entered . Fobl pointed behind me , into the corner , and this was why I had come . There was a massive dent in the south wall of the house , and a small hole which had been taped over with plastic . The floor was blackened and charred . Fobl told me a pipe bomb had gone off just outside and had done this . Fobl wanted the place weatherproofed now because the Khellian rains would soon come . He was worried the foundation itself might have been damaged . Very little ; I looked at the damage from the inside and outside - - - from the outside , it looked like a bigger explosion , something that could have really hurt someone . Fobl said to me , " Do you see what they did , these do - nothings ? " I told him that a small patch of the ground was now unstable , and that it had to be lined and then filled in with cement . The hole in the wall itself was the lesser problem . Not that I recall , but I assumed he was speaking of the Staths . He said little . It was obvious Fobl was not comfortable with me being there . I had to repeat myself a couple of times because he wasn � t very attentive . He followed me very closely . The other soldiers eyed me with some suspicion . It was strange . I was walked back to my car by the guard , where my driver was waiting . I told him that if he didn 't mind , I would drive us back to Jold . He said all right , he might even prefer to even ride with some Khellian soldiers who were headed there in an hour . I liked long drives and the silence , so I decided to go back alone , through the foothills and the plain . There were horses inside . I could see their snouts sticking out of the cars as they went by . There were two or three horses in each train ; some of them were empty . There were miles and miles in which to ride around that place . They were probably owned by someone quite rich , or many rich people , monied Khellians . They went by , it took about three minutes . At some point I started looking around , at the scenery . Through my left window I could see a tall hill that overlooked the camp , that would have given quite a good view of its east side . Yes . There was a farmer up there , on the hill , a man of maybe fifty . He had wispy black hair . He was standing there on the hill at the edge of his farm which overlooked the Hill of Aries . He was looking in that direction , towards the camp , standing quite still . He had nothing in his hands . He seemed dazed . But the expression on his face was as if he were seeing something terrible there . Not anything specific , just a look of fright , something was wrong . It seemed to disturb him , he was frowning so intently . He stayed there for as long as I looked at him . He never saw me . And when the train passed , I drove away . Warner wakes up in the infirmary , where he fell asleep just a couple of hours before , but now cold daylight is shafting through the windows on the far wall , cloudy light , harsh . He feels as if he has not slept , but the transition from darkness to day has been made ; it is morning . The coldest parts of his body are his feet and his hands . Everyone in the infirmary is dead . He looks to either side , at the rows of cots marching away from him . There is not a sound from within the room , or from without . His is the only breath , the only mind . The bed on his immediate right , where the wounded Khellian guard had slept the night before , is empty . The bed on his left supports a man no fatter than a walking stick , his eyes closed peacefully . Perhaps they came under the cover of darkness , and injected him with gasoline . But it 's not just him ; everyone is dead . He rises from his cot stiffly , and for a moment he does not understand how he can move at all . He remembers only that his bones had abandoned him the night before , and that he could not move , even to look around him . Now , however , he feels as if he could walk for miles . He wears a shirt and the thin pants that they gave him . He has nothing on his feet . He begins to walk down the aisle leading to the way out . The only sound is his breathing . His feet make vague impressions on the cold cement beneath them . Warner stops and looks at the man , not really knowing why . The man 's chest bears several bloody stab wounds . His neck was penetrated repeatedly by a small sharp object . His eyes are open . Blood has dried around him on the cot and become brown on the floor . There must have been a great struggle , but in the end , he had succumbed . Silence . He feels a rising chill . He steps through the infirmary 's open door , into the freezing cold day beyond . The cold hurts his feet but he walks on . Just beyond the door are three dead guards , their faces utterly white . Two lie touching while the third , face down in the mud , still clasps his rifle in one hand . He knows where the Green House is , and heads there . The other Staths who are not dead inside their tents are spread out in bunches , faces to the sky . Every one of them passed on . Families mostly together , though not necessarily so . It sounds to the camp � s lone guardian as if all sounds have been vacuumed from the air . There is not even the wind to ruffle his dirty hair ; not one bird sings . In front of the Green House , where the chimney he has never even noticed before releases insignificant tufts of black smoke , he steps past one dead crimson - clad guard leaning against the foundation , his mouth agape . He shot himself in the head . The cement behind him is stained with a butterfly fan of dried blood . Through the creaky screen door , and only one more left to open . He skates his fingers across the knob and the letter K inset into iron . Beside his left foot a worm crawls along the surface of the dirt . For more than a minute he hesitates , listening for an interruption , a human voice , a scream . Nothing comes . He pushes the door inward . Inside the Green House , a living room , a small kitchen , a scuffed card table . Two weathered sofas . An unplugged television set . A fireplace , embers burning quietly . An air conditioner set in one window . On the sill , two potted plants . He stands there for a long time . He looks into the corner of the living room , where he had once advised a man to fill in a hole . It has been fully repaired . The floor is no longer charred . Unspoiled by the Khellian rains . The bodies are everywhere . Those wearing their sorry sacks are mixed with those in the warm uniforms issued at the very beginning , before he came here . Everyone has died together here . As he walks he must step on hands , feet , sometimes stumbling , slipping in the mud . The hill overlooks the south . When he reaches the top and peers toward the horizon , his breath begins to come in short spurts . He nearly passes out but recovers himself and stands there , gazing , for the better part of half an hour . There are the millions , there are the dead whom he will have to step on and negotiate to make his way south . The infinite web of bodies begins just a few hundred feet ahead , where the land levels out again , and stretches in every direction . Their clothes have been stripped from them in death . Their limbs intertwine in a billion different mongoloid patterns . The fields are thick with their rotting skin for miles , miles . He will walk across a carpet of the plague dead . The dead are the soil now . They merge with the horizon , perhaps more than a million , it makes no difference . If he closes his eyes , he thinks , maybe it will be over before he knows it . Bertil Shanz One of Warner � s many tasks was organizing the Stath workforce which fortified the hotel � s entry road , in south Jold . We had to put the road down even before the hotel was even half built , to beat the rainy season . Even before we knew how many rooms Wing Connect wanted , that road had to be finished . I was a substitute foreman on many of the jobs . Did you have sympathy for the Staths ? Of course , but you couldn 't speak of it much . Warner and I talked about it sometimes but they had told us many times , it was unwise to get into anything down there . Warner � s father had also made it clear that the Republic of Khell was a very intolerant place . I knew Clemens , he was a distant friend of my sister 's , and he was well - known to the Staths by then . The war had made him known . His deeds during the war . I was in my office . Bertil came in alone , asked if he could speak to me . He apologized on behalf of Ritchnic for my sudden trip to Oroyzo to look at the house in the camp , but said it could not have been avoided . If the civil administration wanted something , we had to give it to them , no questions asked . The construction of the hotel had been agonizing . Anyway , Bertil said there was a man who needed a job on a crew . Right . Men were still being recruited and I said certainly I could put a friend of his on , provided he was healthy . Many Staths were not back then . Bertil thanked me and said that this was a special case , that I had done something I would not regret . This man , he said , had known me once , though the name did not make me remember . Yes , he left my office , and then a minute later there was another knock on the door , and a man came in . He said his name was Clemens Arpa , that he wanted to thank me personally for giving him such an opportunity . That was how he phrased it , an opportunity , as if he would be paid well , held in any respect by the men who gave us these tasks . He was fairly tall , light brown hair . Thin build , kind eyes , and his forearms were quite muscular . He seemed healthier than most , when he smiled . It was the necklace he wore that I will never forget , that odd design I had never seen , a small silver pendant in the shape of a running deer . I asked Bertil about it later and he told me its origin . He clasped my hand in both of his , very strange . He said that he had taught me very briefly in my summer studies in Maryland , when I was sixteen . He recalled my name . I did vaguely remember him then , as an assistant to a teacher I was quite fond of . Clemens said that I had given him a gift , which was kindness , and that he would do everything he could to repay me . He said these were dark times and that in dark times God learned to forget the cruelty that men did , but never the good . No one had ever spoken to me like that before , but he did . It was as if I had brought him back from the edge of death . Only later did I see what I had done , and it made me so happy to have done something for him , this little effort which I didn 't even think about . He was so odd , so unthreatening . He seemed like a strong man , a physically strong man , but it was as if he were placing himself entirely at my judgment , like a servant . He would do anything , he said , any sort of work . I told to him that work would begin most likely the next day . Perhaps the job made him feel useful . I had noticed that . Sometimes all the Staths wanted was to feel like they were part of something . That was why the construction details were so valued . He left . I watched him go , wondering where he had to be . I wanted to find Bertil right then and get him to tell me the man 's story . But that came a little bit later . You have to understand , I have not seen Warner for more than two years , but I know . To ask him these questions , to make him remember , is a great task for him . Perhaps worse than what he lived through . To make him go back is to make him feel ashamed . He is the most ashamed man I have ever known . It hangs on him . It is a great effort for him to speak . There is nothing any of us can do . They had lived in Jold for more than twenty years . My mother died when I was very young and while my father was recovering , they took me in for almost a year in Baltimore . Since then I had tried to keep in touch with them through my father , and when I arrived in Jold to build the hotel for Wing Connect I became closer to them . Markus Petach was a tailor , he was an expert in constructing heavy winter clothing . After a long time making all sorts of clothing he was able to make enough money making only winter jackets , that sort of thing . He had inherited a great deal of money from his father exactly one year before his business would have been closed by the Khellians . He had sold it by then to a brewery that wanted the space his business was located in . When they were forced from their house , Markus had already stopped working and they figured they would be well off for some time . Every week or so I would come to their house , which was just a few rooms now on the third floor of the building , and had been since July or August of 2002 . They didn 't have much but were always willing to have me there to eat with them . I offered them money sometimes , American currency . Normally there would be a lot of talk but those times were very different . They were haunted people already . And a week before , they had asked me to take their son from them and take him in . The subject was avoided that night because I was obviously afraid to do it . Five . There was Markus , who was almost sixty - five then , and his wife , Ann , who was barely forty . Then the boy , Denis , who was about eight , and his older sister and brother . They had told me and they had told some Stath friends that they were going to leave Jold , they were going to escape it . Life had become too unbearable there , it was very dangerous . They thought that if the Khellians were to attack all over the country , they would come right through Missiontame , which was one town north , if an offensive was launched to purge the country of Staths . No one really knew the truth about what was happening , only that they were being forced from Jold and everywhere through some very clever laws , separated from their families . Markus seemed to know that it would happen to them quite soon . The Stath - hating had gotten to be violent , too much . But I was afraid to take in the boy , because I wasn 't sure the Petachs would make it out of the country . For a long time my father had assured me he could get them out , but Markus was not convinced . Their plan was ludicrous , they did not have the friends they needed to make it . They wanted to get to the Izezu River , to take a boat out . If they were caught , I would be stuck with Denis . Yes , again and again . After dinner we went into the other room and the questions began , the arguments . One moment there was silence and the next we were arguing . During dinner nothing had been discussed . Barely a word was spoken . Now it all came out . They would not listen to my pleading that I could not house the boy . Markus spoke only of the time that his family had taken care of me . I said I would always be grateful but Markus kept saying it again and again . Even Ann , who was younger than I and was barely even born when I was their responsibility . They were afraid to even go out anymore . Markus � s name was on a list . He had given money to the resistance and had failed to hide it well . There was a good chance of them being arrested and separated . They felt the boy must be kept safe , no matter what . He was an incredibly quiet boy , and slow at learning , and they were afraid that the Khellians would mistake this for mental retardation . It was not uncommon . There was no hope for a little boy separated from his parents , much less one who seemed like he did . He was too frail , too slow , to survive . But I told them I was going back to America in twelve weeks and was powerless . Not long . After an hour of terrible arguing , Ann was crying and this seemed to stop everything . I had tried not to back down but it was horrible . A horrible night . I could not believe that Markus had created ties to the resistance ; I called him insane at one point . Looking out over the street he said to me : " Your definition of insanity and ours must be very different . " Then , everyone stopped talking . There was a silence , and then Heribert , the older son , said something softly from the corner of the room , something like " You blind , idiot child . " He had said almost nothing until then . He then called me a murderer . Heribert was just over twenty , was working every day , very long hours cleaning filth out of the streets and houses that had been abandoned , sometimes even Khellian clubs . They had closed his university some months before , he had been studying west European and American literature , a very strange thing to be studying considering the history of the family . He was a severe - looking person , humorless . He rose from his chair , shaking his head , staring at me with huge eyes . He was trembling and there was a great violence in him that he was struggling to control . I could feel his hatred . Every rational argument had been abandoned , now it was just hate . He came forward to me , his father trying to hold him back . I thought he might strike me . " How dare you talk in terms of weeks to us ? " he shouted . Then his voice become softer , I almost couldn 't hear it . " Are you blind ? Are you stupid ? Do you know what is going on ? " Sentence after sentence , he accused me of total ignorance , total idiocy . He said , " Our weeks don � t exist , you son of a bitch . " I couldn 't respond . His hate was a horrible thing to witness . He was trembling with rage . He gave me something from his coat pocket , I didn 't know what it was then . First there were more accusations , more hate , and then he tore something out of the pocket and shoved it into mine . I did not see then what it was . He said , " Take the boy , blind man . Take him . " I was very afraid of him , I don 't know why , I shrunk away from his words . The piece of paper went into my pocket and I backed away , not thinking of it , wanting only to be out of there . She packed some extra clothes for the boy , a small book he liked very much , a child 's book about a boy who learned not to lie . It had a smiling moon on the cover . Some soap , a comb , a few other things . She folded his clothes very neatly . She was still crying , I remember . She would not stop crying , and it was as much that as the harsh words of her older son that made me take the boy in . I had no choice . She closed the knapsack and called to the boy . My face felt very hot . I stood outside their door and waited . Ten , twenty minutes went by . We went back to my temporary apartment on Mahrplahr Street . There was a small side room where the boy could sleep . We arrived there at about ten o ' clock . The lobby was completely deserted ; even the semi - blind Stath clerk who was at the desk , day and night , never taking a day off , always there , was mysteriously gone . I went around the back of his desk and took my mail out of my slot . It was deeply strange . The boy never spoke , he was silent . He had only his knapsack . Up in the room , I gave Denis some cookies and a glass of water , which he took silently and unpacked his things . I showed the boy where he would sleep and he lay down on the bed without a sound . Before I left him I believe he was asleep very quickly . He was eight years old . Bertil Shanz I had left a letter outside Warner 's apartment door . He had asked me to re - estimate how many men we would need for the reconstruction of the wall , because Bakerston was going mad with the figures we were faxing back to him . I put my concerns about this in the letter , but mostly I spoke of Clemens Arpa . Bertil wrote that Arpa had spent three years in the states , and taught me briefly when he was eighteen . He left America when his family was deported from Khell to Russia for what the Khellians had called crimes of sabotage . He had a mother and two sisters . They had been stealing from the shops they were working in to have enough food . I had never heard of anyone being deported for that . But it had really happened . His wife had died , she had come down with typhus . She had done nursing work in Austria some years ago . They were both twenty - eight when she died . So now Arpa was the only one of his family left . He was still unable to contact his mother and sisters . No one would reveal their whereabouts . When the orthodox church in Jold had been burned to the ground with four Staths trapped inside , he had been one of the first to break in the doors and take out the bodies . They were unrecognizable . But he knew that a homeless friend of his had been inside and he buried the man by himself , that same night , with his hands behind the church . And he remembered me from the summer seminar . He remembered the way I had made things out of soda cans . Yes . He thanked me for putting the man to work . I did not think about it much still , but the story bothered me . I couldn 't get to sleep for a long time that night . I was just slipping off when I heard a gunshot from far below my window . Then running feet . I went to the window , looked out . The moon was full and the street was well lit , but I could see nothing . It was just Mahrplahr , as it had always been . But my hands were shaking . No . I couldn 't explain it . You heard shots from time to time that year , and you became used to it . There were many little uprisings . But I shook , not knowing why . By the dawn of the second day , the survivor has left the bodies behind , parted the woods to the south . He walks blindly , taking no nourishment ; there is none to be had . When he gets too tired , he lies down and falls deeply asleep . He has no dreams . Indeed , his sleep is a smooth dark slate from which he cannot take even the memory of unconsciousness . He comes to a wide stream . It divides the woods evenly . On the other side , the promise of more trees , a deeper forest . He steps into the stream , looks skyward and lets the sun warm his face , feeling better than he has since the camp , reveling in the rushing water . The stream is very loud , like the sound of many engines made not of steel but of the trees , the air , all natural things . He takes only a few steps before he realizes that the stream is very deep . Ten feet deep , he thinks it would be at its centerpoint . He has only a short swim to cross to the other side , but he is afraid to try it because he feels so weak . So he chooses this time to sleep again , to maybe gain some strength from it . The water on his legs , warm in contrast to the bitter cold of the air , dries in his sleep . The sun moves across the sky , but not very far . He is unconscious for two hours . He wakes and before he opens his eyes he spends some time thinking about how he will cross the stream , for again he has gained nothing from his rest ; he has only lost precious time . He listens to the water rush past him , wondering what to do . In front of him is a chain of wrecked cattle cars , still leashed together but broken , twisted , as if there has been some immense derailment . The sides of the cars are dented and punctured . He has a bridge now , a bridge made from a fallen train , stretching seventy feet across the stream to the far bank . He watches it for a time to make certain it is not a mirage , then walks a few steps through the water and clambers onto the frontmost car , whose windows have all been shattered by rocks or bullets . He traverses the stream via the chain . Every step is a balancing act . The stream gets louder and louder in his ears , angry at the blockage . He trips a few times , finds it safer to go on all fours once or twice , his hands grabbing for handles and protruding bolts and the edges of paneless windows . The hulks of dead horses are visible to him deep within the murky cages . The snout of one of them is jammed through an open slat , pinned there by the force of the wreck . He moves past it , looking away . The animal � s eyes are thankfully hidden inside the darkness . If the sun were to come out , even for a moment , it would not be so ; the corneas would shine upwards like rotting jewels beneath the surface of a pond . The far bank gets closer and closer . Finally he reaches it , steps down into the water , splashes onto the shore which leads again into the woods . He is completely out of breath , and now a spike of pain thrusts into his side . He collapses on the bank , staring up at the sky . Pain racks his body from his chest to his knees . He cannot breathe . It passes . He rises shakily to his feet . Then , without another glance backward , he stumbles into the woods . The bridge remains , fighting the stream . Denis came into my room just a few minutes after one a . m . At first I thought it was the shot that had woken him , and I tried to soothe him . He led me , though , out of my room and into the hallway . I realized I had forgotten to tell him never to go out there , because at that point in time it was not always possible to tell who was living in the building , and what their circumstances were . I could hear raised voices from beyond the door , a few doors down . This was what had frightened the boy . The voices were speaking in a foreign tongue , some east European dialect I believe , which I couldn 't understand or identify . There was an argument going on , that 's all I could say . It had scared the boy because two men were arguing quite viciously . I opened the door slowly , just a crack , to look down the hallway . It was said around the building that someone had moved illegally into the vacant apartment down the hall . The previous occupant had died in his sleep . No one was supposed to be there , but here was the proof . It was not uncommon , it happened all the time , everyone seemed to be hiding from someone else . The two men arguing . One was very old and very short . He was shouting at a much taller man , pointing a finger at him . The boy stayed well behind me , terrified . The taller man was enshrouded in black , it seemed to me , or perhaps there was just so little light . I realized that he himself was saying nothing , that the old man and someone beside him who I couldn 't see were yelling at him , trying to keep their voices down , but not doing so well . I was surprised more doors did not open . Back then , though , it made sense . No one wanted to see anything , know anything . Not at the time . When the old man stopped speaking , he withdrew into the apartment . No lights were on in there . The tall man waited outside , standing quite still . I was afraid that I would be seen , and stepped back even further . I saw through a tiny slit between the door and the frame . The tall one bent down after a minute or so , just when I thought the arguing was over . He lifted something in his arms , which I could see was a body . The legs dangled very clumsily over his arms . He had difficulty with the weight , the man perhaps was too heavy . The old man spoke one more sentence , an instruction . Then the tall one turned away and walked toward the end of the hall , carrying the body . The man might still have been alive , but I doubt it . There was no urgency to how the tall man walked . None at all . It was as if he were carrying a package for someone . The door closed , the old man went inside . They didn 't seem to care if anyone saw . It was missing a foot , its right foot . Where the foot should have been was now a stump . It looked like an optical illusion at first , it seemed so strange . But the foot was simply gone . I think the man was dead . There was no blood anymore , it had dried totally . I would have seen it out in the hall the next day , the day after . They might have scrubbed it off , though , if there were blood . I was . Even then , not knowing who they were , I was scared . For the past week , I had been scared , I couldn 't say why . The Stath culture is one of the only developed cultures in the world that does not celebrate the birthdays of its people . It is not a thing of chance . The Staths have always believed it a kind of sacrilege , to mark off one � s life in terms of an annual celebration . So although it is of course necessary to note one � s age in years , there is no observance of the day of birth . Nor is it considered honorable or impressive to reach an advanced age . They have no awe of someone who reaches the age of one hundred , and to die young is not the unthinkable tragedy that it is to an American or European . A Stath does not ask how old a man was when he died . They only ask if he was happy in life . They ask if someone is a child , a young adult , an adult , or an elder . Beyond that , years are meaningless to them . The Stath philosopher Gilnorz spent his entire life trying to impress upon the citizenry the transience of human existence compared to the agelessness of the earth , the mountains , the Izezu River . His writings formed the foundation of the Stath view of the meaning of life � s duration . Gilnorz referred to a man � s age in terms of days in order to reduce the concept to a meaningless number , i . e . Gilnorz is today fourteen thousand and eighty days old . But the unwillingness to celebrate a birthday is what other cultures find so confusing , something they cannot comprehend . It is as if we require pauses , mile markers in life to look at ourselves and take note of what we have accomplished . But a Stath only knows that he is alive or dead , and the inevitability of both is a comfort to him , and this simple way of being gave birth a century ago to a spiritual chasm between himself and the more cerebral Khellian which , unlike a border dispute or political divide , spoke directly to the mysteries of the human mind and its need to deny the maddening faith of others . They had told me that the boy was taking private lessons from a Stath woman who lived a few blocks away . There was no education , no normal education , left for him . They were afraid that any exposure to the Khellians , to a regular school - - there were still many left , as I recall - - would make them see the boy as retarded . They paid for the lessons with a system of barter , food and a little money sometimes in return for teaching the boy as much of the Khell language as he could learn , and math as well . They had made the mistake of insulating the boy for too long , teaching him their ways , their language , and not the things he needed . So I took the boy to his lessons the next morning . He rode silently beside me as I drove . I thought at first that the streets were unusually quiet . It was only about eight in the morning but traffic was virtually non - existent . " Where is everyone ? " I asked Denis , though of course I expected no reaction from him . I am not sure why I didn � t worry more about those abandoned streets . Though a very strong part of me did not feel as if I had any part in that land , the politics still seemed distant to me . I had been in some difficult places in difficult times . And when we got to the woman 's building he only pointed , gestured that this was where she lived . There were two Khellian soldiers standing nearby the building , talking to each other . The boy began to get out of the car and my first instinct was to hold him back for a moment , because I had a bad feeling about those men . Why were they there ? Only a day before I had never seen that crimson uniform . There was no reason why , but it seemed to me that they were waiting for something to happen . I didn 't want the boy in harm 's way . He was my responsibility now . The men were joined by a Khellian woman , also of the army , and the boy walked past them into the building . The sight of the woman made everything seem all right . I know now how vicious they could be , the women , but it seemed all right . A Stath family even walked right past them , a man and woman and their small child , and they seemed disinterested and happy . The boy entered the building and the Khellians showed little interest in him . I drove on , to the worksite , where it was always busy , never abandoned like those streets . I had been on pins and needles waiting for Warner . I held the stop - orders in my hands and when he saw them he became enraged . Stop orders for everything , for the trucks , the mortar , stop - orders even for the electricity . All of them called for and signed by Bakerston , who hadn � t let us know this was going to happen . It was all effective on that day . If we saw someone digging , we were supposed to take away their shovels . By nightfall , no one was supposed to be there , not one person . The British had withdrawn every last cent from the hotel . Absolutely , that was the entire reason . Warner did not believe it could happen . He had always believed the information that Ritchnic was giving us . But the treaty was a ruse , anyone who was following its progress knew . The Khellians made the price too absurd so as to guarantee the Staths could not accept it , and thus an excuse would be given to launch an offensive . For every report Warner got from Ritchnic , I heard two saying that rifles were being bought from the Soviets at a rate of one thousand per day . Warner absolutely could not believe it . It was his project , basically , his career , his life , to come down here for four months and build the hotel . And being an American , he did not understand that in the rest of the world , guarantees often mean nothing . Information could be distorted within seconds . Bakerston had been foolish . He paid a price for it , too , back in Chicago . He could not be trusted again . Bertil asked me if I was part Stath , which made me realize how serious the situation was . My grandparents were Stath , ' but no one in my family had lived there for seventy years . Still , Bertil seemed unsure . When I asked him if we could actually be in danger , he said something which made me very nervous : it depended on who one talked to . I had heard enough . I walked away from him , stood for a while before the bare infrastructure of the hotel . The grid was six stories high , but it meant nothing anymore . Clemens Arpa was there . He was , in fact , one of the first men that I saw . He was carrying hod across the road , back and forth , to where it would be used around a small marble stone which would re - dedicate the road to some ambassador . Another concession to the Khellians . No , I didn 't . He did not even see me . But after I checked to see all was going well and made a few suggestions to the Stath foreman - - Nothing unusual . They did a good job . They had simply misaligned a section of the road which I decided should be dug up again the next day . It amounted to a few stones , nothing more . On that day , about thirty . It was a brutally hot day , yet it drizzled constantly . That was what the weather was like there . On some days the mornings would start out hot and in the evening you could watch your breath come out of your mouth in plumes . I watched Arpa work . I watched him for a long time . He was tireless . He had to cross the road dozens , maybe a hundred times , carrying the hod , alternating hands because after a while it would hurt your back . He walked as quickly as he could , trying not to spill anything , rushing back for more . I saw that he was almost always too soon with the pail , that when he brought it over to the other side of the road , they had no use for it yet . I said nothing to him at all . I only thought about what Bertil had told me about Arpa , and I wondered what would become of him . It was impossible to tell . I watched him work on the road . He has sensed for some time that he has been rising , the land climbing away from him and he after it , relentlessly . The trees have disappeared and it is easy going . It seems warmer to him as well , no longer a stultifying cold eating his bones . The physical pain has settled in degrees , a little less with each step . He is not a hunched animal but a man now , a man who walks not out of need but because there is nothing else left to do . To move is to live . As he walks he passes the bodies , the mark of some mysterious weeping sickness on their faces long after their actual death . The bodies thin out gradually ; soon he can go for miles without seeing any contorted limbs , any nightmare rictuses , any open eyes . He has gotten away from everything . He comes to a place without a horizon . That is , the horizon is just a few feet in front of him . Beyond it is only sky . The land has broken in two , with him above and the rest of the earth far below . At first he fears seeing what lies over the edge , expecting another sea of the dead . But down there is life . Many miles away , yes , several small campfires can be seen , some tents , and the dancers - - fifty , maybe even a hundred of them , dancing while the others in the congregation watch , play music . Even from high above them , he can hear their music , stringed music of another country . He can see no faces , but faces are not important . He begins to make his way down the mountain . The foliage becomes thicker and sometimes his view of the gathering is either distorted or blocked out completely , but he is able to use the music as his guide . It is never - ending . There is never a time when the instruments stop . The celebration is immortal . He walks for an hour , knocking away branches and tall grasses , hearing nothing . Their camp comes into view toward dusk . From the moment he first sees the tents again , he knows they are all dead . But it was not that terrible , symptomless sickness . Blood still runs along the ground where these victims had spasmed , having drunk poison from rusty metal cups . Most of them still hold the cups in clenched fingers . Blood had sprung from their mouths and run onto their chests . Before they committed suicide , they had placed their instruments , their guitars and lutes , carefully inside the tents built to sleep five and ten . The man is Heribert Petach . His pupils stare blankly into space . He is horribly emaciated . His eye sockets are deep and bruised , as if they had been scooped out and replaced by uncaring hands . The rest of the family is here somewhere , he imagines , but no ; that is not right . The rest of the family died in another country . It is only Heribert here , the older brother . Perhaps he had organized their suicide . Someone had to . It might as well have been him . The answer comes quickly enough . The wind has lifted a single sheet of paper from Heribert 's curled hand . Now it flits end over end against the survivor 's leg . He stoops to lift and read it . The paper is very crumpled , partially torn , yellowed . It appears ancient . The survivor recognizes it . It is the paper that Heribert Petach forced into his pocket in another city , so long ago he cannot even say . The first stage of the ending of the universe closes with him standing there in their circle , watching the paper blow away , become an insignificant blot and then nothing at all . A bead of sweat trickles down his forehead : the fire has begun , far away , and before the first audible rumblings of its shrieking heart can be heard , the survivor has turned away from the camp , and gone on . Marta Stord , resident of Jold , 1988 - 2004 Of course , with so little to go around , people desperate for any advantage to make them feel human . But this was far worse than anyone imagined . The woman was believed to have arranged the murder of two Khellian policemen in the slum in Missiontame , or she at least knew who had killed the two men as they slept in a car the previous winter . She was part of the underground , a very small one . She had been a schoolteacher but had gotten involved in conspiracies against the Khellians through relatives in Tethis . According to what we heard at the university , the relatives were able to siphon money from the budget office of the Stath Council . Any way they could get the money out in ways it would not be noticed , they did . For example , the Council accounts allowed for the cleanup of the streets and other essential services such as orthodox burials . Thirty - five hundred pmarcs were allowed for gravestones in 2003 , yet virtually none of this went toward actual gravestones . The dead were buried without marking the sites and the money was given to members of the underground , who often used it not to fight but to escape the country . This woman had connections to Stath prisoners of war who had been released from Camo Flahg in Missiontame . Apparently many former prisoners were released from Missiontame and went right into the underground . Some were paid , some were not . Money was fed to the slums . The woman must have had good contacts , for she was never bothered before that we heard of . The information that the Khellians had about her must have been gathered quickly , for if she was even suspected of anything , they would have come sooner . They maybe intended to take her and wound up murdering her instead . I don 't think she was taken anywhere . No one ever heard from her again . I heard the Khellians through my door , knocking on hers , asking that she open up . Very politely they asked . It was all " Good morning " and " We wonder if we could speak to you . " She took a long time to do so , very long , but finally she opened up for them . The boy would have come for his lesson about twenty minutes before . I sometimes watched him climb the stairs , I would say hello to him . Once I gave him a peach . I did not see him go into the apartment that day , but every day he did , so I assume . The Khellians went in , and about one minute later , or less even , there were three shots . Oh , everyone heard the shots . The Khellians didn 't care . They didn 't care less who heard them killing a Stath . The boy , no . There was no reason . It was her they wanted . She was a cruel woman , she could not hide it . Maybe she was a good schoolteacher . What do you think happened to the boy ? I couldn 't say . Perhaps they didn 't make any connection between the boy and the woman . Perhaps he was simply there , and should not have been . I couldn 't move . In front of me , just on the left , was a bare table . The right edge of it was bloody , and the blood had dripped onto the floor . One of the chairs had been pushed well back , as if someone had risen and walked away , or ran away . There was nothing in my mind for a long time , it was just blank . And then I thought , this is not the right place , and I have found something terrible . But this is not the right place . It was not my business , I should leave . The sight of the blood put me in a trance . I forced myself to walk forward , and at first there was no thought of the boy . I needed only to follow the blood . It made a very thin line , a dotted line , toward the back of the apartment . There was a small hallway to where a bedroom was , and a closet . I followed the blood into the hall , and then it became a puddle , a wide puddle as wide as the hall . It was directly in front of the closet . I opened the closet , there was nothing inside but blood on the floor . I thought she must have gone into the closet in desperation and come out again , unless this is where they shot her a second time . The blood went no further , not into the bedroom . I went in there anyway . It was empty but for a bed and a small chair and a night table . I saw that the window was open . It would not have been open because it had become a very rainy day , coming down in great sheets . So someone had opened it . But my mind was not working correctly then and it didn 't mean much to me . The only way out was through the window , but it was a three story fall to the street . There was blood all over my shoes . I left tracks of blood when I left the place . There was a woman standing in the doorway . For all I knew it was the teacher . Before I could say anything , she looked at me and said , " They took her . " I didn 't answer , I couldn 't say anything . I was still looking at the blood , not understanding how the police could have simply shot someone . She said , " They would rather have had the boy � s father , yes ? " I ran out of the apartment then . Just a few times . You didn 't want to speak to her too much because you knew she could only end one way . This is why when the shots were heard , no one came out to see what had happened . But I am sure they merely took the boy somewhere , spared him then . The Khellians I had seen in Jold were only inhuman to their enemies . Jold was not like the camps , where they were cut off and had only themselves to answer to . In the city , in Jold , they were still under the myth that the Stath would be resettled somehow , all of us . They saw themselves as administration . Like it was a project , to get rid of them all or at the very least partition them off . I don 't remember that part of the day , afterwards . I knew I knocked on doors , but I got few people to answer . Then it was to whomever I could find to talk to , the prisons , even Ritchnic . There are no details left . I wandered the streets in the rain for a time before sunset . I just walked from place to place . When I looked down before I got back to my car to drive to my apartment , I saw that I was missing one shoe and had no idea where it was . None . I must have walked for miles without it . I don 't remember seeing anyone I knew . I would have asked them to help me . I had few friends . I knew that I had to find the boy before I went to the Petachs , somehow , just someone who knew where he might be . To go there knowing nothing would have been unthinkable . But finally , after I had gone everywhere I knew to go , I found myself just walking , stumbling from street to street , around the Citizen � s Strand and the zoo , looking around , a kind of myopia , uselessness . The tips of my fingers and toes began to sting in the rain . It falls so hard there they call it Heaven � s Knife . Nowhere I went was I recognized . Even then I wanted to die . That was the first time I thought to myself : Let me die . He sees small , neatly kept houses , and a Catholic church in disrepair . Instead of bodies , there is only dust . Everywhere he goes in this town , he can find no trace of human existence . These were the first to be forced out , he thinks , with no evidence left of their destination . The citizens of this village built a small park beside a glassy pond . The pond is a deep , vibrant black , flawlessly still . He sits for a time on its edge , marking the flight of birds overhead and occasionally tossing a nearby stone into the water . This motion , he finds , upsets the balance of perfect stillness that lies over the town like a sheet of eternal ice . It feels too strange to disturb it and so he tries to remain motionless . The next thing he is aware of , at noon of another cloudy day , is a small figure approaching him from off to the right . He narrows his eyes , at a loss . Something is coming for him . Its movement is human . He kneels in front of the boy , inspecting him closely , making sure he is not an illusion . The boy says nothing . Finally the survivor pulls him tightly against his own body , breathing deeply , eyes closed tight . The boy wears his knapsack on his back and the clothes his mother put on him . He seems a bit dazed , a bit sleepy . Only slightly more emaciated than the survivor himself . After I told Markus Petach what had happened , I went back to my apartment to rest . It was well after dark by then . I ate nothing , I turned off the lights , I sat in a corner chair . I waited for someone to come . A couple of hours went by . I held my head in my hands most of the time , dizzy , sitting very still in a chair . At last my door opened , and Markus came in behind his daughter . He wanted her to translate what he said because he spoke in Stath . They both stood in the doorway . I didn 't respond to what was said . He said , " You did not find him . Special custody , they said . " These were the words the girl translated to me , they might have been slightly different from what he actually meant . He said , " You would curse me for it , wouldn � t you ? Even as my heart shatters , you think of yourself . Of why we ignorant people won � t sell our dignity to have peace . " He paused for words several times . I did not look across the room . I only heard their voices . He went on . He said , " Do not try to locate us . The horrors you find now - - they will be your own . " There was a long pause , a silence , and then I heard the door close again . When I looked up , I thought I saw the shadow of the girl near the doorway , but in a moment they were both gone . The apartment was quite dark . I sat in the chair for almost an hour after they went away . They had not found him ; they had found someone reliable to tell them what happened to him . Markus knew when he came , yes . It amounted to the same thing . The boy was gone , they could not now get him back . The woman � s death was unrelated , I think . Taking Denis amounted to chance revenge against Markus for his actions . He would have to go through the courts , and it destroyed his plans to get his family out of the country . Now this would be all he could think of . It would take months , maybe , to get the boy back . The Khellian plan was certainly to portray him as a criminal who had allied himself with a known conspirator . It was well past midnight when I began to feel so strangely . The thought of the boy left my mind briefly , sitting there in the chair , for the first time . My gut seemed to settle and loosen . It was not at all a good feeling . Something was happening to me , I didn 't know what . I rose from the chair in the dark and walked across to the door , and I opened it . I looked out into the hallway , in the direction of the voices I had heard before , the angry voices , the tall man who had been dressed all in black . There was nothing now , just silence . But the apartment at the end of the hall drew me . I had to know who lived there . I began to walk toward that door with no purpose in mind , just with the intent of standing beside it , listening to it , to see if something might be going on within . I might have even knocked on the door if it were locked . I walked very quietly , so as not to arouse anyone from their sleep . The rooms on each side of the hallway were lived in . I touched the door , and it gave inward an inch . There was a source of light inside . So , not thinking , I pushed the door fully inward . The apartment was filthy , the walls were streaked with dirt . The people living here did not seem to care . There were only a couple of rooms , virtually empty . They began at the end of a short , dark corridor . I went down it and turned to my right . There was an odor of spoiling food . I am not sure why the fear did not make me go back . I was trying to think of my wife and my home , told myself that I could find those things again if I retreated into my room . Yet all my decisions seemed to be someone else � s to make . The corridor opened up to the right and left , and that was the entire apartment , two similarly sized rooms . I went into the one on the right . There was a light hanging from the ceiling over a table that looked like my own kitchen table . On top of the table lay a body . It was a man 's body , or had once been . What was there now was distorted in some way . I was frightened but I walked up to it , looked at it . It became quite clear what was so strange about the body . It was like a doll , a collage of a body , because there were parts of it that were not originally part of the main upper torso . That is , the head , hands , and feet were from another body , or bodies . They had been sewed on messily with thread . The head was cocked at a peculiar angle . A man 's body had been taken and his extremities severed , and then replaced with those from someone else . The skin was lighter in tone on the hands and feet . And getting even closer I saw that the head had no eyes , and that one foot was still gone entirely , cut off below the ankle . I could not believe what I was seeing . It was ghastly . I heard a voice behind me , the voice of a woman . She said to me , " Did they find the boy ? " I turned and she was standing there , a woman with deeply creased skin , a Suxolt gypsy . I did not know then where she was from . I shook my head no , and then I was going to leave , run past her , but she raised a hand like this . She said , " Stay . " A very old man emerged from behind her , an older Suxolt , who I assumed was this woman 's brother . There was a good resemblance . He was carrying something in one hand , something wrapped in a rag . He walked past me without a glance and sat down at the table before the mutilated corpse . He unwrapped the rag , and inside , there was a man 's foot . He set this down on the table . I was sweating profusely then , I remember , it was so hot in that room . Another man standing in the darkness beyond the table who I hadn � t seen now came forward , a gypsy who seemed about forty years old . He stood and watched the old man produce a scissors and some thick thread , almost like string . While the old man threaded a long needle , a needle as long as a pencil , he began to speak . The woman translated for me . The old man had almost no teeth left . He wore peasant 's clothing that was filthy , a shirt with the bottom few buttons missing . He took the corpse 's left ankle in one hand and as he spoke he began to sew the foot onto the body . The foot was much larger than it should have been if it belonged to the corpse . It was disgusting to watch . He would speak , and then he would make another stitch , drawing the needle through the flesh . The puncture made a sound . Sometimes he hit bone , other times the flesh was too tough and he had to fight with it . He rarely looked at me . I stared , wondering what was going to happen to me . I don 't know . The sight of the corpse , what they had done to it , terrified me . And then as the old man spoke his first sentences two others in the family came from the other room , a man and a woman of about fifty , and they seemed to stand in the corridor , listening and watching me . So there were five of them altogether , watching the old man sew the foot onto the corpse . That head was turned away from me , I remember , until the old man purposely turned it toward me and I saw the empty eye sockets . The whole demonstration seemed to be for my benefit , like they had been waiting for me . The woman near me translated . He said , " The dead tell us , there will be a great destruction . The death of the universe . No one will see . " And another stitch went through the foot and through the ankle . First , the end of man . A great plague upon his body , no one left to see . Then the fire , absolving the ground , scorching the earth . Then the storm , the washer of time , the end of history and the world . The woman 's voice was very deep and her English was not very good . It was difficult to understand her , but I managed . It took a few minutes for the old man to say these things because he would stop to concentrate on the stitching . I could catch glimpses of the bone protruding slightly above the stump of the foot . The woman said something then which were her own words . She said , " It must be brought about . " I turned to her , expecting more , but she fell silent again , waiting for the old man to continue . Finally he did . He said , " The body of man is the body of Mankind . The head of a child , the feet of an old man . The hands of a thief , and the eyes of a murderer . " Yes , I think so . The head belonged to a male perhaps eighteen years old . The feet were mottled and worn , the toes were curled inward . I don 't know where they had gotten the dead . But it would have been a simple thing . People could die on the streets in Jold . They could be executed , people disappeared , like the boy . It was what the woman said : " It must be brought about . " The man spoke on , and he began to speak more rapidly , explaining . He was finished attaching the foot very soon after , and then he sat back and spoke , looking at his work . Those three things , he said , would comprise the chain to end the earth , to end the universe . First , a great plague , then , a great fire , and finally a storm that would erase everything , erase history and everything man had ever done . To the Suxolt gypsies , the corpse they had mutilated was an effigy of mankind . They planned to inter it on the first day of their new year , bury it somewhere . In their culture the first day of winter was the new year , they believed it was the death of things that meant the beginning . This renewal would not be allowed to happen once again . The internment of the body would part the curtain . Beyond the curtain was the hand of God . When this effigy was buried , God would come to mourn the earth ; in mourning the earth , he would destroy it to begin everything anew . They were deceiving God . They wanted to destroy the universe . That they were mad , that perhaps they were murderers . But I waited until it was all out . The man began to gesture slowly , raising his hands when he spoke of the universe and the curtain . Never . Only her and the old man , but by that time he had fallen silent . His work was done . The body had no eyes still , otherwise they would have thought it complete . The eyes of a murderer , they needed . It was horrible . I asked her why they wanted to end the world . She said that someone must , before the worst happened . She seemed to think it was inevitable . She said they could not watch man blot out the sky with evil . There was a newborn curse upon all living men , though what it was , she would not say . It was upon them , to be the martyrs . I remember she said , " The Staths are too stupid and weak to do it for themselves . " It was like a challenge against me to say something in response . They did not want my approval , they wanted me to contradict them so they could convince me of what was right . They were doing this with a great fervor , but the fervor wasn 't in the way they acted or their speech . It was in their eyes . You could look into them and see that these people were utterly serious , that they believed . They wanted to erase the universe from its roots , and she spoke it like a thing that had to happen , that would happen no matter what . You said before , they felt you were one of them , one of the condemned . And she had no reaction to that . She put her hand on my shoulder for a moment , then moved past me , toward the old man . She leaned over the table , her hands upon it , and spoke very softly to him . He nodded , again and again . Nothing happened then . It was as if she had forgotten about me , as if they all had . I turned and saw that the ones standing in the corridor had gone into the other room . I was free to go . There had been a ceremony , and it was over now . The old man and the woman continued to speak . When they stopped , they looked at me as if I had now become some sort of enemy . It was only that , an impression . I looked at them and shook my head , which was to the woman the same as calling them mad again . She said something as I walked off , something like " You are one of us , American , " but I could not be sure . I closed the door behind me . When I got out into the hallway I took several deep breaths , it had been so suffocating . Then they were behind me , closed within that apartment , the gypsies . Yes , I went back . I saw through my window that the snow had begun to fall already . That was the first snow of that year , which began that night . It could come at any time . I went to hang up my jacket in the closet , and yes , I remembered the paper was in there . I took it out , unfolded it , and lay down on my bed . I read the paper that night before I fell asleep , still fully dressed , on top of the covers . He was cleaning the streets and some Khellian offices , all day , every day . It would have I suppose been possible to find this paper in the trash inside one of those offices . You must know that the resettlement camps were administered from Jold . That is the most likely thing I can think of . And for some reason , he read it , and then of course he would have to keep it . Believe all rumors . So many of them are real . I have witnessed these things with my own eyes . Already the Khellians are forming around the city in columns divided by the foothills , and they take prisoner upon prisoner , even farmers who might catch on to what is going to happen . No one knows where they are disappearing to . In the ranks of the Khellian army , you can now see boys of fifteen and sixteen , every last man recruited for an offensive . The Khellians have gotten everyone from the outlying regions that they can muster . A friend here who is familiar with maps claims that the army intends to maneuver around Jold and attack from the southern side , so as to obliterate it by the time it confronts the resistance movement in Missiontame . All this might happen within the month . Four times , five times , again and again . The snow had covered the street by the time I got off the bed and looked out my window , a very thin fine sheet of snow . I left the letter on my bed . Then I went back , read it again , and at some point , I fell asleep . We tried to get on with the plans for the hotel , going about our business as if the money would somehow return . There was simply no construction . Even maintaining security at the site was becoming difficult . The facts of what they were doing to the Staths became more and more obvious to us in Jold . And even then , you could not find many people who felt the same way about it . The Staths were resented everywhere for their continuous refusal to accept a partitioned land . It was not until the extent of the violence was becoming absolutely clear that people began to consider what their hatred was causing . Still , they did nothing . What could you do ? To speak out was dangerous . It seemed as if the deportations would continue until they were all gone . That was all right with many in Jold . Simply for his connection to Markus Petach , I � m sure . Toward the end of the peace and the beginning of the Fissure , that was all it took to arrest someone . If we had had another week to get things with the hotel sorted out , or if our superiors had been completely honest about the financial situation , we would have gone home sooner . But maybe it wouldn � t have mattered , because I think someone turned Warner in . Someone who hated him very much , whoever that might be . I don � t know how else to explain the timing , that weeks went by after the Petachs ' boy went missing and only then was Warner detained and swept up into what happened next . What you are doing now is trying to look inside a man � s self . That is not your right . No one is entitled to look there . There are places where a man can feel all sorts of things , good and bad , mostly bad , but in decent , honest men they are places that never see light . So they should not be spoken of . You might be angered by what you find in the soul , yet at the same time you refuse to look inside your own . No , I don � t . That is a harmful fantasy of a human race that can � t ever exist . Clouds pass over the human heart , and they can never be stopped . As soon as my troops boarded the Meadowlark off the coast of Isong , we were sent off it again , and joined with twelve hundred troops that were going to be set up in a column thirty miles from the Khellian border . The idea at the time was to have fifteen hundred troops in the lowlands to help get whatever Staths out who could make it that far east . This was not a secret maneuver by any means . The Khellians knew we were there and we expected the Staths to come in groups of one hundred , two hundred . But instead the groups were six people , eight people . I would get messages every few hours : " Five more have come through . " " Just two this morning . " We knew the Staths were amassing and running for the east , yet so few of them were getting into Isong , that it was obvious they were being intercepted and rounded up . As soon as the numbers were forwarded to me , I forwarded the numbers on , and the reaction was almost immediate . Colonel Baird started putting the pressure on to get more troops into Isong , because it was not going to be a peacekeeping mission for long if Khell was sealing its borders and not letting anyone out . And when I say not letting anyone out , we already suspected it was a worst case scenario , but the things that the Stath refugees were telling the British troops who met them were concealed . Those reports were never forwarded . Great lengths were gone to make sure those details couldn � t find the right ears until we had left . It was more like three days . Colonel Baird called me , he said , " The U . S . is gone , and they � re not sending a single scout within one hundred miles of Khell . " The CIA had been swamping Khell for months , and the information they � d received , combined with my secondhand and thirdhand reports of the pathetic numbers of refugees emerging from the east , made up their minds . So we were out there alone , with five hundred troops hand - pulling these people into safety . And the orders remained : do not get within thirty miles , so a Stath who had made it out of the country itself still had a journey ahead of him . Then the next big call came . Baird said , " Prepare to withdraw . Get back on the Meadowlark , the ship is removing itself from the situation . " No mention of who would replace us . And then the last one : " Pull out those troops tonight , and allow no one to see it happen . " It didn � t matter , it could have been anyone . Anyone would know that it was an act of total abandonment . The U . S . knew to send no troops in because they would have no choice but to do battle , and because we didn � t quite know quickly enough how to use this intelligence , we were the ones stuck out there . If we waited around one more day , one more hour , we would have been committed . There would have been no way out ; the intelligence showed that the Khellians were going to strike civilians and civilian buildings , an entirely internal attack . Once that happened , anyone who left would be accused of letting those Staths die . It became a sick kind of race . Who would be closest when war broke out ? Who would bear the burden ? So in combat gear those troops crawled , slithered eighteen miles to where we were , the jeeps taking almost as long because they had to detour around every populated area in the lowlands , sometimes with their headlights off just in case someone could spot them . The refugees were diverted north so as not to see the retreat . It took seven hours for the division to come completely together , and then suddenly four of the men in the eighth were missing , just plain missing , they had broken off from the convoy and vanished . No one knew where they were , and their whereabouts are today still not known . I remember a group of us standing there in a wide field under the stars , none of us saying anything as we considered where those men could be . The radio on their truck was either gone or ignored . I put one last call in to Baird just before dawn on the sixth of December , telling him where we were , that the area to the west of Demetrai was now clear , and that we were bivving for the ship . I also mentioned our missing men . He said , " Don � t wait for anyone . There � s going to be a disaster , and the foreign minister himself is trying to phone me . We have to be home before the disaster begins . " The snow began just after one o � clock in the morning . It sifted down quite beautifully . There was a full moon out and it was a bright night , the way it gets quite bright when snow falls and radiates its light into the sky . You could see everything as you walked along , everything in front of you . I was walking home from a party at the ballroom , a birthday party . I was walking alone . The snow was just beginning to get heavier , and soon you could no longer feel each individual snowflake fall upon you . That time had passed . I went very slowly , which was maybe not such a wise thing to do at night in the city . But the snow was so striking . And it was ruined , that whole beautiful picture of my city as I walked , by finding the man . I cut through an alley beside one of my favorite restaurants , which was closed and dark . I nearly tripped over the man . He was lying on his side , but his face was to the sky . His eyes were half open . I actually think now that he may have been dead , instead of just sleeping there in the cold , with a half inch of snow settling around him . It was not as cold as it sometimes got , for there was no wind , but I wondered why , if he wasn � t dead , he shouldn � t make some effort to cover his legs ; there was just a stump where one of his feet should have been , and it was a terrible thing to see , walking so alone . A leaf , torn from its hinge by a bitter wind , drifts on a direct parallel to the ground two hundred feet below it . A minute later , it begins its curling , leisurely descent by catching fire . The leaf burns , yet its matter does not shrivel , fragment , and disappear . The leaf burns resistantly , so that when it nears the dry ground , it still sprouts enough flame to touch off the other leaves beneath it . When the fire rushes through the leaves , an impossible thing happens . Seemingly no time passes between the rise of a small brush fire and the engulfing of the entire field which those leaves inhabit . From the field , over two miles in diameter , the fire , evolving in ignorance of rational time , spreads into the mountains , swallowing them whole . The noise is deafening , olympic . The fire then begins to rampage from one corner of earth at a rate of ten miles per second , an endless wall of heat and light popping the blind corneas of the dead as it goes . The survivor wakes from a deep sleep when that first flaming leaf touches the ground , and can actually hear the crackling of the grass as it browns and dies . He and the fire are separated by a continent , but still he hears . All of this from a single leaf is born . The earth cringes . He does not tell the boy , nor will he ever tell him . Each morning the boy wakes him just past dawn , wondering with his sullen , speechless face what they will do that day . The survivor takes his hand , and they walk . Since there is no need for food anymore , they stop only to rest every few hours , to look around them . At these times the survivor makes sure that their course is still straight and true . South , always south , without deviation , even if the land seems more picturesque elsewhere . Instead of resting the boy usually plays on anything there is to play on . His guardian must direct him to play . He points to a short brick wall and tells the boy to walk its length , balancing on it . The boy is hesitant and the survivor must actually lift him on top of it before he dares risk it . It is impossible to read any joy or any pain in the boy 's face . He is a stone that walks tirelessly , his knapsack hung closely around his small shoulders , never opened , never removed . One day the man opens the knapsack and takes out the book that the boy 's mother gave him to take along . The man reads it aloud ; the boy seems vaguely attentive , vaguely worried by the sky . He keeps looking at it as if hearing something up there , beyond . No more bodies , at least . They haven 't seen any in quite some time . The animals have remained . The birds , sometimes a stray dog , cows , horses . All moving in the same direction . Nowhere else to go . After the false spring comes an early summer . The sun sets at the same time every day , yet the light remains in the sky for hours afterward . The survivor judges that it is sometimes past midnight when full dark finally falls . Toward the end , they meet a man . He is about fifty years old , poorly fed , with wispy hair , tired brown eyes . He is seen at noontime sitting on a rock in a field covered with straw . The boy shrinks away from the sight of the man and the survivor instructs him to stay near a small farmhouse for a while . He then approaches the man on the rock , who sits unaware of any other presence around him , staring at the horizon in the direction of the fire , still so far away . The man is dressed in the tattered , colorless rags of a Stath soldier , one of modestly high rank . On his shoulder is clipped a still - shining pin of decoration . He is unshaven , looks hungry . To this , no answer for a moment . Zusta narrows his eyes in thought , remembering . - I 've been walking a long time , he replies . - No place that I remember . They make three , then . They start to move as soon as the survivor fetches the boy from the farmhouse . He has not waited beside it as he was instructed . Instead he has gone inside , and for a few minutes the survivor cannot find him . He eventually discovers the boy sitting frightened behind a rusting tractor . At first he doesn 't want to rise and go at all . He seems actively frightened now , but he will not reveal of what , despite the survivor 's pressing questions . He does agree at last to take his guardian � s hand and emerge from the farmhouse . Zusta waits for them beside his rock , looking south . When the survivor brings the boy toward Zusta , Zusta acknowledges the boy 's presence politely . But he is obviously disturbed by him . He does not look at his face , ever . Ever . The boy always keeps far away from him , walking ahead of the survivor , with Zusta trailing behind both of them . The deformation of the sky begins to accelerate . Sometimes they must pause to wipe the sweat from their eyes , then crane their necks upward to see that there is even more red up there now . Overcast days are not overcast ; they are tinted an ugly pink . Shortly before they see the sea for the first time , night ceases to exist entirely . It is replaced by a sky as red as blood during the earliest hours , which gives way to a slightly kinder hue the rest of the day . Zusta says nothing . He falls asleep well before either the survivor or the boy , must be shaken awake . He seems to want to sleep as long as he can , and struggles to walk through the waking hours . His mind has failed him . The survivor watches him carefully to see when he will collapse , but he never gets as bad as that . The sea appears as a brown expanse under a deep red sky . In that light , the three of them appear gravely sunburned . Zusta points , seeing it first . They pick up their pace . They can hear the fire now ; it doesn 't take very much effort at all . It is a low , constant rumbling from behind them , sometimes all around them . The heat near the sea is staggering . They would not be able to go much farther even if they wanted to . They make their stand on a beach stretching for miles left and right . The tides of the once - dead sea are constant : always it rages , the surf crashing hard on the sand , never relenting , despite the changing of the hours . Here they decide to wait . To walk east and west would be pointless . They sit , sleep , wipe away the perspiration under a red blanket surrounding the earth . In the dead spaces between the times the waves strike the beach and roll , they listen to the sound of the fire , approaching , approaching . Zusta sits alone , not wanting to speak . He no longer asks the survivor for explanations . His fixation on the horizon is unflagging . - Long before we die , he tells the survivor , - before the greatest pain sets in , our souls must leave our bodies and go onward . Only our bodies are left with the pain . So we feel nothing . We escape the pain . Our bodies stay behind to suffer so that others might see , and learn . But we are not really there anymore . Zusta begins to cry , silently . The survivor rises and leaves him where he is . And when he next turns around , because the heat has gotten so intense that he fears for the boy 's health and he must make sure he is close by , Zusta is gone . The space on the sand where he sat is smooth and empty . Some hours later , the sound of the fire doubles in volume , then triples ; the survivor 's face becomes slick with dripping sweat , and it is upon them . He soothes the boy , who runs to him in fear . In time , no sound can be heard above the roar , not even the waves crashing against the beach . The survivor takes the boy 's hand , looks around them . The survivor pulls the boy along the shore towards it . The boy climbs in and the survivor pushes with all his might to send the boat afloat . He is afraid to look behind him because he senses the flames have now touched the head of the beach . The survivor rows , facing the beach . He hears but does not yet see a mountain of fire obliterating the land . And then he looks down , at the black water of the sea , and watches as the tide changes direction , turning from the shore and heading outward toward the horizon , making rowing unnecessary . The waves take them away . Another raindrop appears . But these drops have not fallen from the sky . As the survivor watches , more raindrops materialize on the surface of his skin , coming from nowhere , sprouting like sweat from his own pores . But it is rain , cool and comforting . The drops keep appearing . They begin as pinpricks and then bead into wet circles . When he tilts his hand they roll off , leaving streaks . All over his forearm , the droplets come about , marking the beginning of the storm , something he knows he cannot survive ; all that walking , for nothing . So he closes his eyes , letting the droplets come , repeating his own name , and the name of the wife he had in another existence , over and over in his head so he can think of nothing else . He holds the boy with one hand . The storm starts to sweep over them , the boat roils , this must be the end . |
I am very pleased this year with my Christmas presents . In my family it is a tradition to celebrate on Christmas Eve ( I don 't remember why , but we do ) . After dinner we go and sit around the tree as mom passes us our presents . This year she decided she was going to throw our presents at us , and it was our job not to get hit in the face : P . Yet again most of the things that I got were Nightmare Before Christmas related , because that is the only thing my family knows that I like . Two posters , a pillow case , and a lot of socks : P . I also got other more exciting things , like a new drawing tablet . My first drawing tablet actually and I have not stopped drawing since . My mom was extremely excited because she looked over and saw me hugging my tablet quietly and I told her that I was very pleased with my present ( which is a much bigger reaction than last year when she gave me an iPhone and I was just sitting there petting my Pillow Pet ) . My grandmother also got me and my siblings the same present . She didn 't even label the presents because they were all the same thing . She got all of us Nook tablets . My siblings were much more excited than I was because I had told my mother a few days ago that I never wanted a Nook , or Kindle , or any other reading device because I didn 't like reading off of a screen . Later that evening I was going through the store on my tablet and I found out that they had manga on there as well . So I thought . . . . . I could get used to this : P . And my Christmas isn 't even over yet because I ordered a new snow globe off of Amazon that will be coming in a few days . Every year I get a snowglobe for Christmas . This year my mom told me that she was not going to get me the one that I had been asking for because it was a little expensive . But a few days ago I received Christmas money from the grandparents on my dad 's side and my mom said that I could buy the snowglobe on my own . This is what it looks like and it plays " We 're Off to See the Wizard " Also when school is back in session my friend said she is going to give me a late Christmas present . She is doing this because on the last day of school I gave her a bag with candy canes and the Hunger Games DVD inside . I gave her this because a few days before she had given the cutest teddy bear for a late birthday / early christmas present . So when I gave her my present I thought we would be even , but no , now she is getting me another present : P . My friend and I love each other too much . It was a " B " day at my school , so I got to go to all my fun classes for the day . My first class was Video Production and we went to Dentistry to record bits for the safety video that we 've been working on . At the end of recording they gave us some toothbrushes and candy ( I could see what they were doing , giving us candy so we would have to come back because of the cavities : P ) . Then I went to art . I told one of my friends that it was my birthday and she announced it to the entire class and made them sing for me . One of the girls walked up and asked me how old I was . When I told her she said " ok , I won 't touch you then " and walked away . I was stuck silent for a few seconds and then couldn 't stop laughing . When I got home I found that my aunt had left presents for me on the stairs . I waited until after dinner to open them and found that everything they bought me was Nightmare Before Christmas themed ( that 's the only thing that my family KNOWS that I will like ) . There was a yahtzee game , some knee high socks , and some Jack and Sally pins . My mom claimed that the jacket she had bought me the week before and my new Hello Kitty bag were my birthday presents . She had gotten sick of seeing me walk around in my old jacket because it was covered in cat hair . We were at the mall so I went to go look for a jacket . I had tried looking at JC Penney 's but I didn 't see anything that I liked . My mom texted me to go and find her , and then asked me if I had found anything yet . She apparently wasn 't really listening for an answer because she asked repeatedly and I kept giving her the same " NOT YET . " Finally she told me to keep looking and I wandered away . I walked into Hot Topic to see if they had any jackets and found one that I liked in two seconds flat . Apparently my family was following me because they suddenly showed up behind me and asked if I had found anything . Let 's just say it was the fastest time it had ever taken for me to find a jacket that I liked ( and it was 50 % off , which made it the cheapest jacket I 'd ever found ) . My new jacket is all black and goes to my knees . It was one long zipper that goes all the way to the bottom over my left breast with a skulls and crossbones zipper . The sleeves also have zippers on the end of them and there is a ribbon corset on the back . This is one bad ass jacket : D . The day after my birthday I realized that I was sick . Whenever someone in my family gets sick , it spreads to the rest of the family like the plague and doesn 't leave until we 've all felt like crap . I feel sore all over , I 'm cold all the time , and I 'm coughing constantly ( which makes my head hurt more ) . If I though it felt bad to be sick on the weekend , then tomorrow is going to be hell . When you 're at home , you don 't have much to distract you from the crappy feeling . But when you 're at school , the blinding fluorescent lights , the loud voices , and the necessity to be focused makes you feel even worse . The medicine I 've been taking hasn 't done anything but make my sleep schedule wonky ( I fell asleep at 2 yesterday and woke up at noon this morning ) . It didn 't really help that I had to go outside to work on my photojournalism project . My assignment was to take a picture portraying the teenage use of marijuana . What I did was wrap oregano in printer paper and light it . The smell was awful and the " joint " wouldn 't smoke enough to my liking ( such is the difficulty of the photographer lifestyle : P ) . I still feel kind of bad , but I 'm gonna fight through it until it passes ( or kill my cousins for yelling into my ears all day when my head already hurts ) . On the upside , my blog has reached over 1 , 000 views . This makes me happy because it means that people are actually looking at this and not completely ignoring my rambling . Thank you guys for reading my blog : D Today was the last day of the fall festival at the plantation that I work at . They closed early today and the employees had a party and got to play . We all headed down to the pig races ( where I would work ) for the opening statement and a pig race . I sat down in the audience next to the boy who made balloon animals ( Alex ) and Ian ( my boss ) came up to us . He said that I had to come help with the race , to which my response was " I didn 't come here to work . " He said he 'd give me a pig nose if I did it ( the prize that kids get for winning the pig races , but I already have one so I said no ( everyone around us is watching this go down ) . He then offered a bag of kettle corn instead , I contemplated it , and said ok . So I went down to get ready and I saw one of the people I 'd met at the job interview ( Charlotte ) and some new people ( Rebecca , Christine , Christine 's Mom ) . I did the show and they sent us off ( and I got my kettle corn , which was a HUGE bag ( my mom was very happy when I got home : P ) ) . I wonder how I had managed to work the entire season and not met such awesome people . Everyone headed over to the grille to eat and I ended up in the line with my new acquaintances , and some old people that I used hang out with during my breaks ( Nicole and Keith , who I learned recently are the mom and stepdad of my brother 's friend . They didn 't know who I was either , so the awkwardness was mutual ) . I quickly learned Keith has a bit of a dirty mind . There were two kinds of hot dogs offered to eat , long ones and short ones . I got the short one and behind me Keith got the large one . I heard him mutter something about " overcompensating for something ' to himself , I froze , and turned around slowly to face him . He realized that I 'd heard and burst out laughing and I continued on : P . I sat down with the group of girls and for some reason we kept coming back to the fact that I 'm am very short for my age . Several jokes were made , one asking me if I judge friends based height ( to that I commented on how I would be friends with a bunch of elementary school kids ) , but I joined in on the fun so it was all good . At one point we were getting ready to go into the corn maze when Rebecca pulled out a tiny flashlight and said " midget flashlight . " To that we locked eyes , waited a moment , and then I said " thank you Rebecca " and started to walk away in mock anger . She realized what she 'd said and laughed and attempted to apologize ( which doesn 't go very well if you 're laughing hysterically ) . We came up to go into the maze and we met these two boys ( who 's names I did not learn ) that walked in before us . We started following them because we didn 't know where to go and they decided to run and hide . We would be running after them and they would scare us . We eventually lost them completely and then we began debating who should lead . Christine had the flashlight , but I had the bag of kettle corn so I was put in charge ( if we got left in there for several days , my kettle corn would keep us alive longer than the flashlight : P ) . Apparently we then began trying to scare each other with tales of someone coming out and eating children in corn mazes , and making each other laugh by yelling out " Look , Corn ! ! " at random moments . We then went over to the giant pillow bounce where we met Alex again . He tried to run off with my kettle corn , but I chased him down and continually punched him in the arm afterwards . He is significantly taller than me so I was a little surprised that I was able to catch him : P . As I was walking back I said " nobody touches momma 's corn " : P . It was all in all a very fun way to end my first job . I 've managed to earn more than enough money to pay for my behind the wheel and I 've met some awesome new people . All in all a very good experience ( other than the times I wanted to kick my boss in the shin ( I would hit in the face , but I can 't reach that high lol ) ) . So a group of my friends were planning on gathering at someone 's house and do each other 's hair before the Homecoming Dance . Last week the girl who 's house we 're going to ( Heather ) asked me if I wanted to go . I said yes and she asked what time I could come over and that she would send me her address through Facebook . Yesterday I 'm sitting with her and two others ( Allision and Stephanie ) at lunch . Heather has this big smile on her face and says that she has something to tell , but it 's not good news . She and Allison then go back and forth " you tell her " " no you tell her " " i don 't want to tell her , you do it " " no you . " Finally Stephanie says she 'll do it sine she 's a third party and has no interest in the subject . Stephanie then looks at me and says that they don 't want me to go to the event before Homecoming . Allison then goes on to explain that I had overheard a conversation about it and assumed that I was invited too . She also said that they wanted to give me a head 's up so that I would have time to find another group of friends to hang out with . All the while Heather has this big smile on her face ( because she 's an idiot ) . On the outside I say " sure , no problem . " On the inside I 'm frustrated that they 1 ) couldn 't just tell me and had to force someone else to break the bad news and 2 ) that they say that I assumed and invited myself along . Heather asked me if I wanted to come , I even have a witness ( Mikayla ) who can prove that is what happened . Heather then went and said that she would tell me where her house is and asked what time I get off work so I could come over . That is not " assuming " anything , that is being led on and it pisses me off that they would accuse me of that . That can also be considered a form of bullying and I could report them for it ( but I won 't because I 'm a good person and I don 't want to be around them anyway if that is how they are going to act ) . Today during lunch I told Mikayla what happened and she was just as angry as I was ( and as angry as everyone else I told what happened ) . Mikayla was planning on going with them as well and I was even going to go over to her house on Friday to do a " dry run " on what we were going to do . When I finished telling her the story she said " you know what , screw it . You can come over to my house and I 'll do your hair there . I can have my mom try to do my hair or something but that is so mean what they did to you . " So my plans were made , then canceled , and then rescheduled with someone who really is a great friend . I personally love Mikayla even more now because she decided that she would rather hang out with me than with people who would make up stories to get rid of someone . And everyone I 've told this has said that I need to find a new group of friends . I don 't need new friends , I just need to get rid of the bad ones . I have so many people that I claim are my friends but then they pull stuff like this , or exclude me in some way . But I also have those few people who will stick by me and I value them a lot more than all those other fake friends . So yesterday after I got home from the library , I noticed that my phone was missing . I looked around the house a bit but couldn 't find it . I waited a bit and then tried looking again . I even tried messaging my grandmother to see if I left my phone in her car ( she was the one who took me to the library ) . But she didn 't have it and I couldn 't find it anywhere . Suddenly I heard this ringing coming from the living room . It was coming from around the couch . I moved the couch and looking under the couch cushions but the phone wasn 't there . It then dawned on me to press my hand along the bottom of the couch and I felt this little rectangular shape pressing against the bottom of it . My cell phone : P . Somehow it had slipped through this tiny opening between where the couch cushion goes and where the arm rest connects and fell inside the couch . After about half an hour of trying to get my hand through the opening to reach my phone , my younger brother came in and flipped the couch onto it 's back so we could see the bottom . We then noticed that there was a little opening in the bottom fabric and slipped the phone out through there . This has been , by far , the weirdest place for me to find my phone : P So the day starts out with me having to go buy a new agenda in the school office . Every student is given an agenda and they are basically our " hall pass " if we need to go anywhere in the school . Mine had gone missing sometime in the last two days and I knew I would need it to go see one of my teachers later in the day . So I go and pay the $ 5 for a replacement and I 'm fine . The first block of the day I student aide in the library . I help out the librarians and I finish any last minute work that I need to do . The night before I had e - mailed myself an essay that was due at the end of the day to print off . I go to my e - mail and . . . . . . . . . . there is no attachment to the e - mail . I go and call up my sister and mother to see if they are still at home to send it to me ; but unfortunately they have both left for work at this point . So I walk down to the teacher 's classroom to tell her about this . She takes one look at me and hands me the agenda that I had been missing . I thank her and tell her my situation . She then goes into this big shpeel which basically comes down to it is not her problem and it is my responsibility . By the end of her monologue I am in tears . I go back to the library and one of the librarians sees me and asks me if my mom would be ok with her driving me to my house to get my laptop ( the computer that the essay is on ) . I call my mom up and she gives the ok ( she actually asked me if it was legal for the librarian to take me out of the school , to which I said " i have no idea ) . We get my laptop and get back to school and I 'm about 15 minutes late for my next class . One of the librarians says that she has already contacted my teacher and I just need to get a pass . At our school we have this mandatory study hall called " Pride Time . " The only way we can go see a teacher is if they request us ahead of time on this website . I had arranged with my photojournalism teacher to come in to finish a project that is due tomorrow . My teacher goes and checks the website but I haven 't been requested and my teacher won 't call the photojournalism teacher to ask if i can go . I 'm in tears again because , really , I have no idea how this project is going to get done ( I was actually supposed to do this yesterday but we had run out of one of the chemicals so i couldn 't develop pictures , so I was supposed to come in again today to do it ) . At the end of the block I go down to the classroom and ask why I wasn 't on the list . Apparently something had gone wrong with the website or something because my photojournalism teacher was positive that he had requested me . He checks but my name is still not on there . He then asks if I could stay after school ( which i can 't ) or if I can come in during Pride Time tomorrow ( which I can 't because I already have plans for that day ) . He then says that it 'll be ok and I 'll be able to turn the work in and not get deducted points on it ( much more understanding than my other teacher : P ) . So on the second day of school I went to a job interview at the farm near my house . They offer seasonal employment for the harvest festival - they have a corn maze , pumpkin picking , etc . . . This is a group interview and we play games with each other that demonstrate character and then we sit in different groups and are asked some questions . I applied here last year but sadly I was not offered a job . One of the games we had to play was we were given foam noodles and tape and we had to build the tallest structure possible ( without anything holding it up ) . My group barely won by an inch and as a reward we were given free plastic pig noses and took a picture with them on in front of our structure . When I was taking off the nose I commented on how my breath stank and one of the managers laughed and commented how I was funny . After that we sat down to the interview portion of the evening . The manager from before came up and asked us if we had ever been to an interview like this before . I said yes and explained that I had applied there the year before . The woman looked at me for a second in confusion and asked if I had been hired , which I said unfortunately no . She then went on to explain how there had been nearly 300 applicants last year and they only ever hired 150 people to work . She then went on to say how there were only a little over 100 applicants this year ( which in my head I was saying " YYYYYEEEESSSSS , a higher chance of me getting hired " : P ) . After the interview was over I was sitting outside with one of the other possible employees about my age waiting for our rides to get here . Somehow in the interview the topic of anime came up and we were both comparing which ones we had seen and which were our favorites . All in all I felt that I had given the best impression that I could have . As my mom and sister were taking me home they finally asked how much do they pay . I told them it was about $ 8 . 25 and my sister did a double take . She has two jobs and has been working at one of them for months and I 'd be getting better pay than she does at either of her jobs . The only real downside of my job is we have to wear overalls : P Well today I went to check my e - mail and found a message from the farm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . They offered me a job ! ! ! : D It was a good thing I was home alone at the time because my jumping up and down would have made someone very angry . I went onto Facebook to share the good news and saw that one of my friends was also hired as well . This has been some very good news : D So today was my first day of senior year . It was also my brother 's first day of freshman year . The school has basically changed everything about our school and the seniors ( including me ) are suffering the most because of it . Seniors used to be allowed to leave to go to lunch or at the end of the day 2 minutes early . Gone . They also changed the way the schedule works so now everyone has to have a mandatory " Pride Time " ( study hall ) that no one wants and it makes no sense whatsoever . Around third block an announcement comes on that we are not allowed to leave our classrooms . About twenty minutes later another announcement comes on that we have to go outside and sit in the football stadium . We go out and the entire school is sitting on the bleachers and it 's getting hotter and hotter and no one is telling us what is going on . Some of the students just start walking around and going to the bathroom . So now no one is allowed to go to the bathroom and an announcement was made several times for students to go back to their seats . They start providing water for us but now more students are getting up and walking around . We were told that we would be called up by class to get water , but by the time they got to our class they had run out of cups . They even went and made an announcement for us to stop contacting our parents because the police were blocking the school entrances and they weren 't letting anyone through ( still not telling what was going on ) . We spent the rest of the day sitting in the hot sun ( and I was wearing black skinny jeans ) . By the time we were put on the bus to go home my face was red and hurting and I was so thirsty . It wasn 't until we were on the bus that we found out that apparently someone had texted a student saying that there was a bomb in the school . The new Skulduggery Pleasant book comes out in less than two weeks and the period of harassing my mother has begun . I walked into my parent 's bedroom to tell them that I was going to need more retainer cleaner soon ( I 've learned over the years to warn them ahead of time or else my retainer is disgusting for several days : P ) . I look at what they 're watching and it 's the spanish soap opera channel ( my dad watched it so he can ad - lib what he wants the people to say ( and automatically I think of that one joke by Ron White ( see bottom of page for video ) ) ) As I 'm talking to them I remind them that the next Skulduggery Pleasant book is coming out soon . As I 'm following my mom out of the room she says " I 'll make a deal with you . If you go and put the laundry in the dryer when it 's done and fold it , I 'll order that book for you . " I agree , of course , because I don 't think my mom realizes the value of the Skulduggery Pleasant books . And if I inform her on their value then she 's going to make me do more crap to earn the book : P . Now the day it gets released I 'm going to chase her down until she orders it and then I 'll be stalking Amazon . com and the mailman until it arrives I wouldn 't either of them and would instead pick " I 'm Skulduggery Pleasant . " Because whenever people ask me about the Skulduggery Pleasant books I say " It 's basically a mash up of Harry Potter and Doctor Who . " And if they ask me what Doctor Who is I slap them with a book : P Today when my mom got home she asked me if I wanted chinese food for dinner ( I don 't know why she had to ask because I always do : P ) . She tosses me the car keys and we go to the restaurant and order our food . While we 're waiting we walk a few stores over to look at movies to check out . There was nothing there that I was interested in so mom rented two movies and we went and picked up our food . While we were paying for the food mom asked if she could also have four sodas and the woman at the counter gave them to her for free . As we 're driving back home , mom 's looking through the bag and realized that the woman didn 't give us fortune cookies . That is my mom 's favorite part of the meal and it made her grumpy for the rest of the meal . I think the only reason we got the sodas for free was because they were out of fortune cookies : P . After dinner we headed downstairs to watch the movies . The first one mom put in was called Chat Room . The beginning of it was a little strange because it started out with this teenage boy sitting near a computer making this little person out of clay . I looked at my mom and said " he 's making friends . " Her reply was that she thought that was something I would do - _ - It turns out he was making a stop motion video with the clay person and my mom said that I should do something like that , but I don 't have the attention span for that : P . We got about five minutes into it before mom mentions that I like this movie . When we ask why she says " cause this movie 's gay " . . . . . . . We just kind of looked at her for a second and then I said " wow " ( which we found out is a woman 's way of saying " I can 't believe someone could be so stupid : P ) . I thought it was a little bit funny because I 'm bisexual and yet she picked out a gay movie : P . She took out the movie , handed it to me , and told me to go watch it upstairs . And that 's what I 'm going to do once I finish up here . Oh , and for those it may concern , I finally got my mom to reschedule those college visits I had to miss last weekend . But they 've been rescheduled so that I have to wait for another month and a half or so , so : P . My mom was actually asking me if I was allowed to miss school to go college visiting and I just kind of gave her a look . Because it would make it easier for her , and yet it would affect my attendance record and I would have to go and make up all of the work that I missed . . . . . . . . . So my mom and I had planned to do 2 things this weekend : go to an open house at an art institute and visit an all girls college . Well , not anymore . My dad , for some reason , didn 't get paid today , even thought he 's been doing overtime every weekend for the past month . Since he didn 't get paid my mom can 't pay the bills right now and we don 't even have enough money to put gas in the car . So my plans are shot . My mom keeps saying that we will be able to visit both places , just not this weekend . . . . . . . This was the only weekend we had time to visit either of those places . Because in a few weeks my 4 and 6 year old cousins are going to be staying with us and school will be starting . Once they 're here and school starts there will be no way on earth to be able to go anywhere for a long time . And I wanted to visit the schools before it became time to apply because then it 's too late to still be looking at schools . The art institute we can visit any weekend so it 's not that big of a deal , but the girls college is only open during the week and I 'll have school and my relatives and before school starts one of my mom 's coworkers is going on vacation so she can 't get away during then . As you can imagine , this was really disappointing to me because I 'd been planning this for a while . First I cried . Then I tried to contact the schools to cancel , but they had already closed for the night . Then I went and took a long shower with Celine Dion blasting through the radio ( because I like her music ) . Once I dried off and got dressed I went and made some cranberry muffins . Because nothing tastes better than muffins filled with disappointment : P . And I know that it isn 't the end of the world , but it still hurts and it 's made it very difficult when it comes to decisions about my college future since I can 't visit them . So I 'm officially back from my vacation . I say vacation , but really it just means I was forced to spend time with relatives that live in the middle of nowhere . And the real meaning of that is I would go missing for several hours at a time to read books that I had brought with me . The ride up to visit them could have gone better because for the first hour or two i had to sit in the back of my dad 's truck because he needed another person in order to be able to go into the HOV lane on the highway . And that person was unfortunately me . I was crammed into a child 's seat and the passenger seat was pushed back so I had no room for my feet . By the time we finally stopped at a gas station I could no longer feel my legs : P . The rest of the trip up was fine because I was able to switch to my mom 's car and we laughed all the way down ( They drove in separate vehicles because 1 ) there were too many people to put into one car and 2 ) My parents would have killed themselves because neither of them can handle sitting in the passenger seat ) . Our first stop was to our great aunt 's house for our annual 4th of July picnic ( we had it early this year as a precaution in case I ended up going to another summer program ) . There were too many people under the age of 14 in that house . And they all fought with each other . The first day we got there my aunt gave me authority to punish anyone while she and a few others went to the store . During that time one of the older boys got a hold of my phone and wouldn 't put it down . My aunt has a paddle in the kitchen to I went over and picked it up and he dropped the phone so fast I thought he had broken it : P . There was a younger boy there that thought it would be fun to try to mess with my while I was trying to play a video game . He came up and slapped me on the butt in front of everyone and then tried to kick me . But he didn 't get very close before I lightly nudged him and he face planted in the middle of the living room . The other stop on our family vacation didn 't have as many " kids . " I use the quotation marks because there were more adults , but they acted like children . One of my aunts tried to mess with me in front of everyone so I reminded her of the time she got so drunk that she started singing Hey There Delilah . And Hey There Delilah were the only words of the song she got right : P . Today was my last day of school and i a now officially a senior . It 's funny how when you 're a kid it seems like these things are a million years away , but these past few years have just flown by . A lot of things have happened to me this past school year . I got to be on the morning announcements Next year is going to be awesome because being a senior comes with all of these privileges and these events that only seniors can go to . But its also gonna be hard because i finally have to decide what colleges i want to go to , apply to them , and then look for scholarships because my mom 's made it clear that there is no money in the bank for me to go to college . But on the bright side . . . . . I got a new laptop today : ) I brought my broken one to the computer networking teacher at the tech center to be looked at and he said that it would cost double what its worth to fix it . But a few days ago he came up to me and said that he had a laptop that his class had just finished putting back together that i could have : D . It 's not the same model that i had ( . . . . actually , it 's one of the school laptops : P ) but its a computer and i won 't have to fight my brother over the computer anymore . So my junior prom was this Saturday . I ended up wearing the same dress i wore last year but i didn 't really care : P This was me and some of the people in my group that i hung out with ( I 'm second from the left ) The night was really fun and we got to go to dinner before - hand . I showed up to the restaurant 10 minutes early , and my friends showed up 10 minutes late so i ended up spending 20 minutes sitting at this big table by myself : P Eventually the waitress gave me a bread bowl and some water and said that if she didn 't give me something then she was going to get fired : P The first person finally showed up and ordered a water . Then my friend showed up and ordered a water too . . . . . . then the twins showed and both ordered a water too . The last person finally came and ordered a Sprite XP ( you thought i was going to say water , didn 't you ) I finally cracked and asked for a Coke , because i was going to die if i didn 't get some caffeine in me . I had waited to order my food until everyone arrived so i wouldn 't be the only one eating . My food came with a soup and almost 5 seconds later it came out and i ended being the only one eating anyway XP Once we finished dinner my friend drove me to prom ( but my mom thinks it was my friend 's mom so its hush hush : P ) And i soon found out that my friend has no parking skills whatsoever . Then the rest of the girls tried to park their van in the spot next to us and almost hit both our car and the red truck in front of them that apparently not gone far enough in . It was like watching a slow motion crash : P Now for the last few days in my video production class we 've had elementary kids come in so we could show them what we do . And this became the perfect opportunity for a certain Matt to get even more annoying than usual . Now usually he would just try to make bad jokes and then insult me when i didn 't laugh . Before the kids had even arrived he walked into the room and asked when the brats were coming . Today i was helping out the kids that would be in front of the camera . One little boy kept swinging back and forth in his chair and wasn 't looking at the camera when he talked . As i was telling him not to do that Matt walks up and starts telling me to stop crushing the boy 's creativity . . . . . . . . . . i was helping the boy become a better news anchor and Matt was telling me to stop . Then in the next group these two girls had these cute hats that they had made in another class . I told them they were cute that they should wear them when they recorded . The girls thought it would be cool and put them on . Matt comes running along and starts telling me to not force them to wear the hats . That they don 't have to wear them and i shouldn 't force them . . . . . . . . i wasn 't forcing them to do anything and the girls wanted to wear them . I finally told Matt to leave me alone and to go do his job instead of trying to boss me around . Now , Matt is already an unattractive guy , but the devil look he gave me then made him really ugly . Now Matt , for some reason , knows my next door neighbor from summer camp or something and has been talking to her about me behind my back . And she 's told me what he says . Apparently he thinks that i suck up to the teacher and i 'm no fun . If sucking up to the teacher means that i talk to her and like her and she helps me when it comes to competitions , then yes , i 'm a suck up : P And if his version of fun means jeapordizing someone else 's work , insulting them and then bitching to other people about them , then yes , i 'm no fun . But at no point did i ever claim otherwise . So our school just had a four day weekend . On Thursday i was talking to my old english teacher about reading The Hunger Games book before going to see the movie on Monday ( a bunch of the kids from my school were going at the same time as a sort of field trip ( only we had to have our own transportation : P ) ) . I ended up coming up with the argument that sometimes you have to read the book in order to fully understand the movie ( ex : Sorceror 's Apprentice ended up being a really crappy movie because they explained nothing and it jumped everywhere ) . The teacher let me borrow one of the books ( she had a pile of them because the freshmen had to read it as an assignment ) and i challenged myself to finish before Monday . I got the book Thursay . . . . . . . . . and finished it Friday night XP . I really loved the movie except for two things . 1 ) They didn 't have the giant dogs be engineered from the other competitors . The dogs were their but that 's all they were . . . . . . giant dogs : P . That would have been really cool and people who haven 't read the book could have figured it out . But apparently people are morons and they can 't put 2 and 2 together . 2 ) They took Madge out . For those who haven 't read the book , she 's the mayor 's daughter who gave the mockingjay pin to Katniss . They took her out entirely and had Katniss give it to Prim before the reaping ( which kind of gave me a giggle because Katniss said nothing bad would happen to her when she wore it and then she was chosen : P ) and then Prim gave it back when they said their goodbyes . I ended up getting into this heated discussion with my friend after the movie because my friend didn 't think Madge was important . My comeback was that when Eclipse came out , everyone made a big deal about Bree Tanner and she wasn 't important either ( all she did was die : P ) . A nearby girl looked at me and told me that Bree had her own book and I just shouted out " Well maybe Madge should have her own book then ! I 'm going to call the author and ask her to write a book about Madge ! " Basically I was just being silly but apparently Madge is important in the third or second book ( haven 't read them yet ) and if they make the next movies then their either going to have to put her in or rewrite the story . So in SkillsUSA I 'm running for State Office . In order to run you have to come with a campaign to get people to vote for you . It can 't go over $ 100 and you only have a four foot table to work on . I was telling my mom about this and i reach the $ 100 bit when she just snapped . And this is basically how it went : She started going off on how i apparently just come up and say i need money and expect her to give it to me . And then how when she talks to me i just come up with this blank face and it 's like it goes in one ear and out the other . ( at this point i 'm already giving her that look ( and , really , what other face does she want me to make because if i show any emotion then it will set her off on another rant ) ) Then more ranting about how i have no concept of money ( I have a perfect concept of money . I have none because i don 't have a job . I don 't have a job because i have no way to get there . I have no way to get there because I can 't drive . I can 't drive because i don 't have enough hours to get my license because she 'll never take me driving - I 'm stuck begging her for money because she 's basically set me up to beg the rest of my life and then be yelled at for it ) " I 'd love to see your name on the big screen . Maybe even as the lead actress . Wait . . . . . you probably won 't be the lead actress . . . " ( more dream crushing . . . even though that isn 't a dream of mine anymore and i already knew it was a long shot ) So this is the day i go to see Wicked finally : D . But before i could go see it i had to take two SOLs and a chemistry test . Not fun . But even though the week should have taken forever and should have sucked , it was pretty good . Monday : It started snowing while we were at school . The school decided not to let us go to the Tech Center , so we were put in the lecture room . They let me go to the library and i stayed there and read for the rest of the afternoon . Tuesday : I had the multiple choice portion of my writing SOL this day . After school , my aunt took me to the movies with her boyfriend to see The Secret World of Arrietty . Cutest . Movie . Ever . The theater was almost empty except for us and a group of kids behind us . The best part of the whole thing was the commercials that they show as you 're waiting for the movie to start . At one point it said to locate the emergency exit and i stood up and shouted " it 's over there ! " My aunt 's boyfriend then said that it now suddenly felt like a rerun of Dora the Explorer : P . And that was the only trivia question i got right : P . Wednesday : Took my chemistry test in the morning . It was easier than i thought it was but it made me paranoid because in the middle of the multiple choice i had nothing but straight Bs . And that 's the grade i got so i was content . Thursday : The writing portion of my SOL . I thought i was about to die because of the dead silence . The prompt was pretty easy to write about so it wasn 't as hard as it could have been . In my video production class we watched The Help , so i didn 't have to learn anything all day . Now it 's Saturday and my aunt went out to help her friend pick out a cat : P . I thought it was going to be a hassle ( especially since my cousins woke me up at 6 am ) but as soon as my aunt left my younger cousin went up to his room and passed out . The older one helped me make cupcakes and then we had grilled cheese for lunch and now she 's taking her nap . I just thought it was funny that while their mom is away . . . . . . . . the kids will pass out in their rooms : P . And tonight my aunt and i are going out to eat Korean for dinner ( because we love asian food ) and then we are going to see Wicked FINALLY ! ! ! So tonight my dad pulled out our old dart board that we hadn 't seen in a very long time . Now i know why it went missing for all that time . Dad asked if i wanted to play and i got it handed to me because i have no idea what i 'm doing when it comes to darts . In one round i managed to make two stick to the wall and the last one broke into thirds . Dad won , no surprise there . Then my little brother came down and i played against him . Not the best idea to have two kids who don 't know what they 're doing throw darts . I won the first round . He won the second . We laughed the entire time while playing because we both know we suck . But we could tell dad was getting a little angry because we managed to break another 3 darts . In the last round we were sharing two darts . Then my brother threw one and managed to break it as well . But he managed to put it back together even though it was then loose and kept falling apart when we threw it really hard . We made a joke and said we had one dart and a handicapped dart , or 1 1 / 2 darts . My brother and i then made a bet about who was going to break it . My brother then started talking smack about how he was winning . . . . . . threw the dart . . . . . . and broke it . I looked at him , coughed , and then said " handicap , " and it sent everyone over the edge . My dad hadn 't laughed the entire game and turned to me smiling and said , " i know right ? He 's talking smack and then he blows it up . " Then i went and won the game : P My brother was sitting there in shock yelling " REALLY ? ! ? ! ARE YOU KIDDING ME ? ! ? ! " and he left the garage . I followed ahortly afterwards because my dad said it was time to take a break , and as soon as i opened the door my brother tried to throw a pillow at me . We started out with 6 darts . . . . . . and ended with 1 . . . . . . . That dart board is going to suddenly disappear on us again for another 10 or so years in order to save the darts And earlier today my cousins came over . They were as good as 2 and 4 year olds can be , wrestling each other , taking out a bunch of board games and leaving them for me to pick up , climbing on our grandmother . My dad and i basically were able to keep them down by constantly playing movies on Netflix and making them sit and watch . They were good up until my mom came home from work and decided to show them that it had started snowing outside . Then Mckayla suddenly burst into tears saying she wanted her mommy . Her mommy was at a gun show for the day and wouldn 't be back for another 2 hours . I managed to make her stop crying by letting her watch the Phineas and Ferb movie , and that held her down until her mom picked them up . Then when she did show up my mom grabbed Coleman and told him that he had to stay with us and wouldn 't let him go . This made him start to cry and at this point I was telling mom to stop making the kids cry . I looked at my aunt and told her she still hadn 't paid me . My mom before had tried to convince her that my aunt shouldn 't have to pay family , but my aunt had offered to pay me in the first place and my dad and i weren 't complaining . My aunt came up to hug me , and while secretly slipping a 20 into my hand she said that she 'll gice me the rest when i go to her house next month to see Wicked with her . I hadn 't really expected more than a 20 so i was happy to hear that . Then as soon as they all left the entire family basically joined in one big collapse onto the couch . I love my cousins and everything but have the time i can 't understand what they 're saying and they have the strange habit of trying to sit on each other which makes one of them scream and cry : P So i went to compete at Forensics again this year . And before you get it confused , it is not like CSI , it 's a speech competition . This year i decided to compete in poetry as to avoid the mishap last year ( see previous posts to know what i 'm talking about ) . I decided to do the poem The Imaginary Court by M Alice LeGrow ( you can find it online if you want to read it ) . So it was all fun like last year , except we played different games . We even played this one game called " Honey , I Love You , " where you walk to someone and you say that and you try to get them to smile . Some of the things that people would do to try to get them to smile were ridiculous . One really tall guy tried to jump into the arms of someone who had their arms crossed and ended up falling on his face . We went to the awards ceremony and once again i didn 't place , but one of the girls that i 'd befriended won first place so i was happy for her . When it ended i told her congrats . Then i turned around . . . . . . . . . and everyone from my school was gone . . . . . i walked outside , and saw a bus driving away . . . . Apparently they never did any sort of attendance or anything to make sure everyone was on the bus I was put on another bus and they switched me back to the right bus when we stopped at Arby 's . But as we were walking towards the bus my tescher asked me why i wasn 't on the bus . She made it sound like i had done it on purpose and it was my fault that i was left behind . . . . . . Let 's just say i no longer like her very much So it 's been a few weeks and now I 'm getting ready for yet another competition coming up soon and tomorrow I get to babysit my cousins for the day . Love ' em to death , but eventually i 'm just waiting for them to go home so i don 't have to keep them from wrestling all over the furniture : P ( thank god i 'm getting paid ) So as i mentioned before i got Sims 3 for Christmas . And i 've been on it almost everyday since . Now in one of my games the couple i had made had triplets . Three beautiful little girls named Charity , Helen , and Natalie . Now it was time for their birthday in which they would become toddlers . I had the dad holding Helen and about to blow out the candles when the table caught on fire from the cakes : O . The entire family was there and their grandfather , being awesome , extinguished the flames . But then i noticed the father 's butt was on fire and he was still holding Helen . I was basically yelling at him to put the baby down . And by the time he did he just burst into ash and died . Right there . In front of all his family . Now everyone 's crying and the grim reaper came and put him into his grave . After that all i could think of was that the little girls would never remember their father , they 'd walk around crying " I never knew my father " : ' ( . So i waited until they grew up to be children and decided that was long enough and that the mom needed to move on . So i made another family with a guy in it and i made them meet and start flirting . But then she 's suddenly accussed of being a cheater . That night the father 's ghost shows up and i checked their relationship status . Apparently they were engaged : O . That 's when cheats became very helpful . I managed to end the relationship between ghost daddy and the mom and make the other guy accept the mom . Now the triplets are teenagers and I 'm thinking of adding another addition to this rapidly growing family . At our school we 're putting on Hairspray . This involved severeal months of spending everyday after school and every Saturday rehearsing our butts off until we hated the songs . But now it 's all worth it . Thrusday was our opening night and as a way to advertise it to the school at the end of each class we would perform a few numbers for the school . To do this we also all wore our costumes to school as well . I was just in the ensemble but i was also one of the few that got to say lines . Because i played the gym teacher and the hooker : P . Two parts that made everyone look at me funny when they asked what part i had : P . They are really fun to play but the only problem because in Welcome to the 60 's i 'm one Pinky 's workers that helps Edna ( who is played by a guy ) get changed . And right afterward is the dodgeball scene where i need to change my entire costume . So unlike the other Pinky workers i don 't some back out after changing Edna . I instead run for my life and go change into my next costume . And it was just last night with the help of my friend that i got on that stage without gasping for air . The show has become an even bigger success than High School Musical ( the school did that show the year before i became a freshman ) . We 've gotten standing ovations evernight and tonight is our last show . After the show we 're going to clean up and then go out for pizza for the cast and crew party . My aunt told me last week that our tickets for Wicked finally came in . We 're going to be sing it in March when it comes to her town . I 'm going to be spending the weekend at her house and it 's going to be amazing . I 've wanted to see that show for years but my mom was never willing to pay for the tickets . I love my aunt so much right now . At the tech center where i take video production they have this thing called Skills USA . I was told the other day that they wanted me to run for state office along with a really cool guy from the computer networking class . But to be eligible they gave us a stack of paperwork and to big workbooks that hhad to be completed . I looked at the guy and back at the paperwork and claimed that my hands were going to fall off at this rate . He laughed and agreed . I decided that i would never become an adult because it had too much paperwork involved . |
" Hey . " His voice was soft as he pulled the door open and waited for her to step inside . Grace turned into her chest , clutching her body and pulling away from him . Billy nodded , trying to at least pretend to believe that was the reason . In truth , Grace wasn 't becoming the least bit comfortable with him . Maybe it was because she could sense how tense it was between them , how much he felt like he let Phyllis down every time he couldn 't remember the memories and the moments she described . It had been weeks now and each time she visited , he felt like he hurt her even more . " I brought you more albums , " she said cheerfully . " Your sister sent some from when you were younger and then I found the first professional pictures I had taken of Grace … I don 't think you 've seen those yet . " She glanced up , smiling at him , her eyes full of hope - just as they always were , until he ruined it . " And then there 's these … " He walked over towards the couch , glancing down at Grace who was now happily settled on her play mat . " What are they ? " Billy let his eyes glance over to the stack that still remained in her hands . By the look on her face , he could tell it meant something - this was a moment she desperately wanted him to remember . It was like literal pressure surrounded him as he slowly flipped through the pictures . He saw their faces and he could tell , without a doubt , that he 'd been happy there . That they 'd been happy in that place and in that moment , but nothing about it seemed familiar . He looked up at her , the hope shining in her eyes . " I … " She stood quickly , turning her back . She 'd done everything she knew to do and nothing had worked . Ashley had asked her not to give up , but more and more this felt like torture both for her and for him . Maybe she had lost him - not in the way she 'd thought , but in every way that really mattered . The Billy she loved had died that night in that accident . Maybe it was time to accept that . " I can 't … . I just can 't … " Her voice betrayed her and she glanced up at him one last time . She rushed over to Grace , gathering her quickly in her arms and rushing for the door . " I 'll call you later , " she breathed as she disappeared into the foyer . He stood frozen in place until the heard the heavy wooden door close . His eyes followed her as she walked to the car , wiping what he thought were tears off her cheeks as she strapped Grace into the carseat . It seemed strange , watching her from the window like this … as if she was talking everything in his world with him … even if he didn 't know how much it meant to him . " I know , baby . " Phyllis lifted Grace out of the car seat . " You don 't like being strapped in there , do you ? " Her daughter 's sweet smile made her laugh softly . She was the only thing that could possibly bring any joy to her right now . " Ronan . " It was strange that her first instinct was to smile . Somehow her anger had dissipated over the weeks and , after talking to him a few times , she 'd really started to see the reasons behind what he 'd done . It wasn 't exactly that she agreed , and she 'd probably never completely understand , but she knew it wasn 't his intention to hurt her and right now , that was enough . " It 's good to see you , " he whispered , walking over to her hesitantly . He smiled broadly as Grace stretched her arms out towards him . " Hey you , " he smiled , reaching for her and easily taking her into his arms . They walked over to the table , and took a seat . Phyllis watched as Grace smiled up , her hand slowly touching the stubble on his face as she usually did . " No , " she said softly , " I missed you too . It 's really good to see you . " Ronan shook his head . " It wasn 't my place to interfere . I know you and Billy are trying to work things out . I know that 's what you want and I think in time , he 'll realize it 's what he wants too . " He studied her face as he said the words . The pain in her eyes was palpable . " Hey , " he said softly , " What 's up ? What happened ? " " It 's just … I 'm not sure Billy and I are gonna happen . He doesn 't remember anything , Ronan and I don 't know if I can keep pretending that everything is just going to work out . It just hurts too damn much . " Tears filled her eyes almost instantly , the realization setting in as the words left her lips . It was hard enough to entertain the thoughts in her mind , but saying them out loud , especially to another person … it made it real . This was what he wanted , wasn 't it ? Didn 't he want her to give up on Billy - so that she 'd be free to be with him ? Maybe so , but her tears weren 't supposed to be part of the equation . " Maybe you just need to give it some time . " He was quiet for a moment , considering his words . " How about if you just got away for a bit … maybe just took Grace away for a few days . . a long weekend . Do something fun … something to just get your mind off all this craziness . It would take the pressure off all of you . " " What if I came along ? " He saw the look of shock in her eyes , and quickly added … " Just to help with Grace . . no pressure . " She sat in the car , her heart pounding . She was thankful the sitter had been available at the last minute . This wasn 't exactly what she wanted Grace to witness - even though she had no reason to believe this would be ugly . Billy didn 't remember what they had , why would he fight not trying to get it back . She smiled , her nerves getting the better of her as she fidgeted with her hands . " I 'm good now , " she breathed . " Can I come in ? " ' It 's not really him . ' She said the words silently to herself as she looked into those eyes - the eyes she 'd stared into so many times . " You know you 'll always be Grace 's father and I 'm going to do everything I can to make sure that the two of you have an opportunity to build your relationship , but us … what we had it was once in a lifetime and I don 't think we can recreate that . " " I just … I can 't keep doing this . I can 't keep trying to make you remember because it hurts too damn much , Billy and it 's not fair . It 's not fair to me and it 's not fair to you . Grace doesn 't deserve to feel this tension between us and it 's just got to stop . " She could feel the weight of his eyes on her and she looked away . " Anyway , " she managed , " that 's what I wanted to say . I 'm actually going to be going out of town for a few days , but I 'll be in touch and I 'm … " Her composure was slipping and the last thing she wanted was for him to see her fall apart . " I 'm just gonna go now . " She headed towards the door , pushing past him but immediately feeling his arm grip her wrist . She jerked away . " Let me go , " she breathed , looking up at him , tears glistening in her eyes . She stopped for a moment as she caught a look in his eye . He stood completely still , his arm wrapped around her wrist . For a moment , she 'd swear neither of them breathed until she felt him pull her close to him . " Before , " he whispered , " We 've been here before . " Her slight gasp was the only answer he needed . His hand shook as he reached up , brushing her hair from her face . " What ? " The one word was the best she could muster . Her heart beat furiously inside her chest , but the rational side of her tried to keep her expectations in check . She swallowed hard , forcing herself to breathe . " Then what ? " Lifting her head a bit , her eyes met his . " Okay ? " She shook her head . " Okay isn 't the word for what I am . I don 't even know a word to describe what I am right now . " He nodded , " It 's like a switch was flipped . I remember this and the cabin , and our non - trip to Montreal , and everything else . I remember all the plans we made , and the dreams we had , how much we loved each other … " His fingertips ran through her hair and he smiled as her eyes fluttered closed . " But those memories aren 't nearly enough , " he whispered , his lips brushing against her cheek . " I don 't just want to remember , " he smiled . " I want to create some new memories and since you said Grace is with the sitter tonight . " He smiled as he stood , wrapping the throw around her and lifting her in his arms . " That means you and I have all night . " Ronan walked slowly beside the window . It was ironic . He 'd only stopped by to see if Billy was really okay with him dating Phyllis . He wanted to make sure he was honest and upfront , but that wouldn 't matter now . Phyllis wasn 't available - maybe she never really had been . He reached into his pocket , pulling out the three plane tickets to Florida . He 'd wanted this to be their chance to see what it would be like - to " test drive " being a family , but Phyllis already had that . He pulled the pen and pad from his pocket and quickly scribbled out a note . He needed to do this before his heart got the better of him . Use these tickets to go on that trip with your family . With all my heart , I wish you all the love and happiness in the world . Love always , Ronan held the tickets for a moment , his heart breaking a bit as he bent down to slide them under the door . She wouldn 't find them until the morning - no doubt they wouldn 't be returning downstairs tonight , but that was alright . They were making up for lost time . He trudged back to his car , slumping into the seat . It was something he 'd told grieving families many times . This broken heart was his own fault for not heeding his own advice . " I know , ok ? I know . " She sighed when she saw him look up at her , confusion in his dark eyes . " I know I should just be grateful that you 're here , that you 're back , that you 're here with me and Grace , but I can 't help it … this anger it just creeps up inside of me and I have nowhere for it to go and I just … " She took a shaky breath . " So there , I said it . Go ahead … " Billy took a seat beside her on the couch . " You know you have a right to feel whatever it is that you 're feeling . I 'm certainly not going to tell you any differently if that 's what you 're thinking . " He heard a burst of air leave her lips and he smiled . " Is that how it used to be ? " " No . " The word left her mouth quickly . She looked up at him , her eyes softening as she saw his face , his eyes hesitant . " No , you were never like that . I just feel like it 's what everyone 's thinking . I 'm not happy enough . I 'm not joyful enough , but this isn 't easy . " She placed her hand on his arm . " It 's not your fault , " she whispered . " It 's just the situation . This whole damn situation and it was just made even more complicated by Ronan and his stupid plan to … " Her voice trailed off as she saw Billy 's head shaking solely . " What ? " He reached into his pocket , pulling out his square photo . " Hear me out , okay ? " He could see the fire already flashing in his eyes and he held up a hand to placate her for a moment . " Look at this . " He handed her the photo and he watched in silence as her eyes widened a bit . She swallowed hard as she stared at the image . Her eyes closed , her head dropped over her sleeping daughter . " Ronan , " she whispered , emotion and questions floating in her voice . Billy nodded . " I get that you 're angry he didn 't tell you the second he knew and I know I 've had a bit longer to come to terms with that than you have , but I 've got to say , I get where the guy was coming from . He didn 't do this to hurt you . He wasn 't trying to keep me away from you . He was trying to keep you from getting hurt . He gave me this picture . He promised to keep in touch . He just wanted to keep you safe … to be there . That 's all . He went about it the wrong way , but he had the right things in his mind . I just think you ought to know that . " Phyllis jumped slightly at the sound of the knock on the door . Billy had left nearly an hour ago and she 'd been frozen in virtually the same spot ever since . She couldn 't get his words out of her mind . Ronan had the right things in his mind . Did that mean he wanted her to give Ronan a chance ? Did he not want to try and make things work between the two of them ? Her heart beat faster as she walked quickly to the door , glancing towards Grace 's room and hoping the knocking wouldn 't wake her yet . She pulled up the door . " Ashley , " she breathed , her voice betraying her surprise . " I didn 't expect to see you today . I 'm sorry , but Grace is actually napping . " Ashley smiled . " I didn 't come here to see Grace , actually . I was wondering if we might be able to talk . I brought lunch . " She held up two bags and forced a smile . Though she and Phyllis had called a truce after Grace 's birth , their interactions were still civil at best . Friendly lunch visits were still quite the stretch . " Uh , sure . . okay . " Phyllis stepped aside , watching with interest as Ashley walked past her . " Don 't take this the wrong way , Ashley , but we don 't eat lunch together and you never stop by to talk to me unless it 's to berate me about something and I 've got to be honest … I 'm really not up for it today . " " Phyllis , I promise . I 'm not here to give you a hard time . I honestly came here to try and make things better . I swear . " She laughed a bit at Phyllis ' narrowed eyes . " Oh , come on ! Would you stop being so suspicious and just get us some plates . " " Alright , " Phyllis sighed , " You 've critiqued every food item here . We 've talked about Grace and Fenmore 's and Jabot . You 've complimented my outfit and even made a few frivolous comments on the weather . At any point are you actually going to get to the point and tell me what you 're actually doing here ? " " No . . not like that , " she interrupted , " I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help . It 's just . . " She paused , shaking her head as she thought back on how everything had happened between them . " The two of you went through so much to be together and then you had what - a few months of happiness and now … " " I know , " Phyllis took a sip from her glass . " I wanted to believe it would work out . I really did , but he was just here a bit ago and I don 't know if that 's what he wants anymore . " The sound of the words leaving her mouth made them even more real and she felt her eyes burn with the tears . " He was defending Ronan . . trying to get me to understand why he kept the news from me . It was almost like he wanted me to be with him and not … " She couldn 't say it again - couldn 't make herself say the words aloud once more . " Phyllis , " Ashley breathed , " He 's just … he 's trying to help you get through this the only way he knows how right now . You two loved each other . It took me a long time to realize it but once I accepted it , I have to say you were good for my brother . I never saw him as happy as he was when he was with you and when he was gone … Well , it broke my heart to see you like that . I have to believe the two of you can get through this . " " I want that Ashley , I do , but this is like losing him all over again … but it happens every day … in every moment . Every time I look at him and I think I see a flash in him and then it 's not . I don 't know how much longer I can take it . " Ashley reached across the table , lightly touching her hand . " Listen , " she whispered , " Just promise you won 't give up on him yet . He needs you and you need him . You have a beautiful daughter and I have to believe that all this didn 't happen so that it ends like this . " Phyllis nodded , her mind going back to years ago when Billy had promised her their story didn 't end badly . She looked up at Ashley and smiled . " Yeah , " she whispered , " that 's not the way this story ends . " Phyllis smiled , feeling oddly awkward in the moment with him . She stepped further into the kitchen . " No , " she said softly , " not at all - the sitter is gonna be bringing Grace by in a bit , so I was already getting up . I hope you were able to find everything okay . " " Did you sleep alright ? " She smiled weakly as she looked at him . He was wearing the t - shirt and lounge pants she 'd given him . A few weeks after the accident , she 'd gone through most of his clothing , donating what she could to a local homeless shelter , but she 'd kept a few things - things that reminded her of him . A white t - shirt and lounge pants were his staples for a lazy Sunday or any day really if he could convince her to stay home with him . " It 's fine . " She shifted a bit , drawing in a breath . " You don 't have to ask for permission to do anything here … these are as much your things as they are mine … I mean they would be if … " She looked away , feeling uneasy . " I uh . . I was just looking . " He reached over , stacking them back on the shelf . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to overstep . " He heard her shaky sigh and turned to face her , seeing her sitting on the bed , her head in her hands . " Are you alright ? " She shook her head , looking up at him and he could see by the sheen in her eyes that tears were coming . " I just hate that it 's like this , " she whispered . " We were never like this . " " Awkward , apologetic … like we 're walking on eggshells with each other . We could talk about anything . There was no judgment . There was nothing off limits and now … . it 's like we can 't even be in the same room together without it feeling like someone has sucked all the air out . " " Please stop apologizing . It 's not anyone 's fault . I just wish … " Her eyes stared into his for a moment . It still took her breath away and it seemed unbelievable to her that he didn 't feel the same . " I just wish you still felt something for me . " He leaned a bit closer . Her eyes were so earnest , and there was something almost intoxicating about being next to her . He could feel the warmth of her body beside his . " That 'll be the sitter with Grace , " she said , already feeling the lump in her throat . She looked over at Billy . " You ready for this ? " He paced back and forth in front of the couch , wringing his hands in an effort to expel some nervous energy . Hearing the door shut , he felt a wave of nausea come over him . How was he supposed to do this ? How was he supposed to step back into the life of his nearly - five month old daughter ? Phyllis stepped into the room , holding Grace close to her as she looked up at Billy . Tears stung her eyes as she struggled for words . " Grace , " she whispered , smiling as she looked down at her , " We have a visitor . " " She 'll get to know you . Here … take her . " Phyllis eased Grace into his arms and stepped back , taking a deep breath as she took in the moment . Phyllis shook her head , reaching out and taking the baby girl back into her arms . A few whispered words and a practiced shuffle and the baby quieted , burying her face into her mother 's chest . " Billy , " Phyllis whispered , " she 'll learn to love you . It 's just new right now … that 's all . " Billy held the swing still as he watched Phyllis settle Grace into the harness . He 'd missed so much time with his daughter . He didn 't want to miss anymore . Phyllis walked back into the living room , removing the burp cloth from her shoulder . She smiled at Billy as he looked up at her with wide eyes . " Well , you 've had about four hours of Grace - you ready to take over for me ? " " I 'm kidding , " she giggled . " I just meant you seem a bit overwhelmed by all this . " She paused , studying his face . " You don 't have to stay , you know . I know this must be kind of crazy for you . We don 't have to do everything at once . You can see her whenever you want and I 'm not going anywhere . " " Yeah … " He saw the look on her face , the way her eyes shifted slightly as he 'd said the words , " Unless you 've changed your mind . I don 't have to watch it . . " " No . . No . You 're welcome to see it . I just … It 's … " She swallowed , trying to force herself not to feel what she did . She wanted to be strong , to be content with what they had in the moment , but she couldn 't help but wondering what might have been different … . " Forget the video for a minute . " His words were serious as he pulled her back in front of him . " What 's going on ? What aren 't you saying ? You said we could talk about anything , so why are you holding out on me now ? " " Damn , " she hissed under her breath as the tear crept down her cheek . " I just … Watching the videos and looking the pictures and telling the stories … It just reminds me of everything that we lost and when I think about the fact that even one day could have been given back to us because of … . " She took another breath … " Because of Ronan . I 'm just angry . That 's all . I 'm really angry . " " You didn 't have to follow me back , " she said softly as she walked up to the door , " And you certainly didn 't have to walk me to the door . " She turned to face him . It was so strange to be in this position with him . To her , nothing had changed . Time had passed , but the feelings were still there perhaps even stronger than they 'd been before . It would seem so natural to reach up and touch his face , to lean in and softly kiss him … " It 's no problem , really . I just wanted to make sure you got home okay . " He looked at her , her eyes shining up at him . Looking down at her , he couldn 't help but smile . Tears stung her eyes as she heard him say the words , words it had taken her far too long to admit and even longer to finally say . " Yes , " she whispered , " we were very real … you were everything to me and I like to think I was everything to you too . If you hadn 't had the accident , we were going to get married . We 'd talked about it , but you insisted that we couldn 't yet because I would be expecting the proposal and you had to find a way to surprise me . You were always romantic like that . " It was amazing to him to watch her as she talked about him this way . It was as if she was recounting some beautiful movie , but the scenes were actual moments from his life . " Look , " he said softly , hesitating a little , " If uh . . if you 're not doing anything … I know you said Grace is gonna stay with the sitter tonight … maybe you could tell me a little more about the things we did or show me some pictures . " He stopped , the surprise on her face startling him . " Unless you think it 's too soon … I can come back another day … " " No . . No . . not at all . I 'd love it if you 'd come in . Um . . unless you think it 's too soon . " She stopped , turning to face him . " No , we did … I just … I couldn 't stay there after you … well , after the accident . Actually , I left town for a while . I took a job in Chicago and I moved there to try and put some distance between me and the memories . " " Did it work ? " There was something about her , something that drew him . Though she was still very new to him in a way , there was a part of her that felt familiar and comfortable . " No , " she whispered . " Because you were in here . " She placed her hand over her heart . " And everywhere I went , I just took you with me . " She took a breath , sensing the awkwardness of the moment , " And then of course there was Grace , who was in here … " She placed her hand on her now - flat stomach . She stooped down to grab a cloth album . " There 's not a ton of pictures in here , but I do have some videos if you 'd like to see them . This is the baby book I 've been putting together for her . " Phyllis smiled . " A little over five months … it goes by so fast . It 's like you blink and she 's doing all these things that she couldn 't do yesterday . " She stopped herself , realizing how it must feel to him , realizing he 's missed so much . " She 's gonna be crazy about you , " she whispered , touching his arm softly . " I can 't wait for you to meet her . " " Sure , " she nodded , sitting down on the end of the bed beside him . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered . " I 've been so busy thinking about how hard this must be for me that I really haven 't considered how it must feel to you . " " Don 't feel sorry for me , " he said looking up at her . " I survive an accident that , by all rights , should have killed me . I come home and find out I have a beautiful girlfriend and a healthy baby girl . I 've won the lottery . I just feel like you and Grace - you 've drawn the short straw . " " Don 't you say that ! " her words came out quickly as her eyes flashed in anger . The shock on his face jolted her back to reality and she pulled back , calming herself before she spoke again . " Sorry , " she whispered . " I just … I don 't ever want you to feel that I 'm anything but grateful to have you back . Yes , it 's been difficult to know that you don 't remember , but I have to believe that the memories will come back . " " And if they don 't ? " It was the question he 'd wanted to ask since the moment he 'd laid eyes on her , but he 'd been afraid to . Taking advantage of his certain burst of courage seemed to be the only sensible thing to do . " I don 't know , " she admitted . " We 'll figure something out . " She looked at him . " Is there anything else you remember ? Anything at all ? " " That 's the one , " he nodded . " Well , I have this weird , fuzzy memory of being in a room in a house kind of like the ones they have in that show . I can 't see anything . . it 's dark . . and there 's the sound like rain pouring down , but I can 't see the rain . " Phyllis stared at him , her breath catching in her throat . " Anything else ? " She tried not to jump to conclusions , trying desperately not to get her hopes up too high . She smiled through her tears and brushed them away from her face . " That smell was a fire in the fireplace . There was a thunderstorm that knocked out all the power and it was cold so we found an old rocking chair that we used for firewood . " She looked into his eyes as she continued to talk . " It was raining and thundering and the wind was blowing so hard that it blew a tree down that blocked the driveway so we couldn 't leave and that house you 're describing … . that 's the Chancellor mansion … that 's where we lived . That was our home . " Billy nodded slowly . " Wow , " he breathed . " That 's a weird night to remember . . I guess I was hoping for something more meaningful than that . " He stopped speaking as he saw her eyes flash . She leaned in close to him , questioning her choices all the way , but throwing all caution to the wind as she softly pressed her lips to his . " Like that , " she said softly , as she pulled away . " That was the first night you kissed me . " " Sorry . " Billy held up his hands as he approached her slowly . " I didn 't mean to scare you . I just wanted to see if you were okay … the way you ran out of there … " Phyllis shook her head . " The truth ? " She sighed , " No . I 'm not okay and I don 't know why I came here , but it 's where I 've come the last year when I needed clarity or support or to feel closer to him . " She glanced up at him . . " or you . " There was silence for a moment and she laughed a bit , laughing harder as he looked over at her , his eyes widening a bit . " I 'm sorry , " she muttered , " that 's just the most honest thing I 've heard in a while . Yeah , this is definitely weird … I can 't imagine how it would feel to look at your own headstone . Not many people get a chance to do that . " " No . " He smiled as he glanced over at her . " I guess you 're right about that . It 's a small club . Is there video of the funeral ? I 'd like to see that ? " He stopped , hesitating as her face grew serious . " Hey , " he whispered , " I 'm sorry … that was too far . I was just trying to lighten things up . I didn 't mean to . . " " Yeah . I 'd like to see all of that . " Silence settled over them again . He looked at the stone , marveling at the strangeness of seeing his name above a date of death . When he looked back at her , he saw her eyes fixed on his . " What is it ? " he asked softly . " It 's just strange . The past year whenever I wanted to talk to you , I 'd come here and now I 'm here and I 'm actually talking to you , but you … you 're … . " She couldn 't continue , the words too painful to even say . She turned her head , not wanting him to see her cry . He 'd seen enough of that already . Billy sat helplessly , not sure of what to do . He extended his hand , placing it gently on her shoulder , feeling her body tense immediately . Her head turned slowly towards him , her eyes staring into his . " You don 't have to do that , " he said softly . " I 'm sorry that this is hurting you . I don 't know how to make it better . I wish I did , but you don 't have to pretend it 's not difficult for you . I know it is . " She nodded . " I guess it 's just … after you died … " She shook her head , " After we thought you died , I would dream at night about someone coming to me and telling me that it had all been a mistake . I would imagine what it would be like when I would see you again and I held onto that for a long time . I never felt you leave me and then , when I found out I was pregnant , I thought maybe that was why . At first I was terrified . I was afraid that every time I looked at our baby I would be devastated all over again , but then I realized that baby was the only part of you I had left and that as long as that baby was here , a little part of you would always be with me . That 's what kept me going . Grace was the only reason I survived most days . And even though she filled a huge hole inside of me , I still had that dream that you would come back and I could wrap my arms around you and hold you and remember what it felt like to be close to you . And now , the dream has come true , but it isn 't at all like it 's supposed to be … . " He shook his head , a little in awe of how she could put her feelings into words so easily . " I don 't what to say except I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . I wish I remembered . It sounds like we were happy and I wish I could remember everything you 're talking about . I wish I could be the person you 've been waiting for . I can 't make myself remember , but I can do one thing … " He stood , taking her hands in his and pulling her up to stand next to him . He could see the confusion and hesitation in her eyes as she watched him . " Come here , " he said softly as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him . He could feel her hesitation , her stress , her almost trepidation as she stood tense in his arms , but as he gently coaxed her head to rest against his shoulder , he felt the release . " It 's alright , " he whispered , as he felt her back shake with a sob . " It 's alright . " Her eyes sparkled as she looked at him . " Yes , that 's right . Do you remember that ? You remember that 's the perfume I wear ? " " Not exactly . " He stopped , taking a breath and calming himself . It was one thing to get ahead of himself and get overly excited . It was quite another to get her hopes up and then send them crashing down again . She 'd been through enough . " When I was in the hospital , one of the nurses had this perfume and when I smelled it , I remembered it . I knew I 'd smelled it before . I remembered it and I knew it was important . Do you wear it a lot ? " She smiled up at him , her eyes now brighter than he 'd ever seen them . " Yeah . Actually , it 's a scent that Jack , your brother , developed for me . I wear it all the time . . every day . You used to love it . You remembered it ? " Tears formed in her eyes again and she began to raise her hand to brush them away . " His hand touched her face first , his fingertips slowly brushing away the tear . " I did , " he said softly . " I remembered the perfume and I remembered that I missed it . " " Phyllis ? " Ronan stood at the door , thankful it still remained partially open , but not stupid enough to step inside . " Phyllis , please - can you just give me a minute to try and explain ? " He heard movement inside and stepped back . She stood at the door , tears still streaming down her face . " I don 't know how the hell you think you could possible explain something like this . " " No , " he sighed , " that 's not what I meant … I just . . God , " he slammed his hand into the wall , and looked back at her , tears now filling his own eyes . " It was a horrible thing that I did but I want you to understand that I felt terrible about it . Why do you think I kept pulling away from you ? " " That 's not what I 'm saying . I just mean … it 's not like I didn 't have guilt over this . It was eating me up knowing how much pain you were in , but I just kept thinking about how much pain you 'd be in if he were back here . He doesn 't remember you , Phyllis . He doesn 't remember your life , your relationship , all the memories that you have - the ones that have gotten you through your loss - they don 't exist to him . " He watched as the words hit her and her face crumbled . " I 'm sorry . I don 't want to hurt you , but you aren 't to him what he is to you . I just wanted to spare you that . I didn 't want to watch you lose him again . " Phyllis reached up , wiping her tears from her face . " That isn 't your call . You don 't know how I would feel about this . And what about Grace ? " She gripped her chest as she thought of her daughter . " Ronan , she 's his daughter . Were you really okay with never telling her that her father was alive ? " Ronan shook his head . " Alright , " he whispered . " I 'll find him . I swear to you . I 'll find him and I 'll bring him back to you and then I 'm going to fix this … I don 't know how , but I 'm going to fix this . " Ronan drove slowly , his eyes roaming the streets . This was insane . He couldn 't imagine Billy would be walking down the street in the middle of the night , but he had to do something . He had to try and find him . He owed Phyllis that much . The sound of his phone ringing brought instant relief and he glanced down to see a number he didn 't recognize . Quickly , he brought the phone to his ear . " Hello , " he said anxiously . " Ronan ? " Billy struggled to stay calm . He 'd all but verbally accosted Ashley on the phone even though she 'd sworn Ronan hadn 't given her any more details - only that it was an emergency and that he needed him to call him at this number as soon as possible . " It 's Billy . I got your message . Ashley said it was important . Is something wrong ? " It felt weird to be worried about people you didn 't know , but somehow he felt he should know her and then there was his daughter . Memories or not , he needed to know that she was alright . The familiar pang of guilt welled up inside him again . He hadn 't considered how the message would sound to Billy . " Yeah , Yeah . I 'm sorry about that , man . I didn 't mean to worry you . Everyone 's fine . It 's just … " He paused . " Look , I know you 're probably gonna be a bit pissed at me and it sure as hell wasn 't my place to do it but , Phyllis knows you 're alive . She knows you 're in town . " Billy let out a long breath . " Yeah , " he sighed . " I uh … I saw her in the park this afternoon . I was afraid she might have figured it out . " " Well , to be honest . She was pretty sure she was hallucinating . In fact , she called me over to her place insisting that she was going crazy and I almost managed to convince her she was just grieving , but I just couldn 't do it . She misses you too much . I can 't watch her suffer like this and even if you don 't know her - even if you don 't remember anything about her or your life together , it will mean something to her to just see you , to know you 're alive , to know you 're alright . " " She wants to see me ? " Billy took a seat on the edge of the small bed . In his mind , he 'd expected this would come eventually , but never this soon . " Yeah , she does . I 'd like to come pick you up from wherever you are and bring you to her place . Can we do that ? " Ronan waited , hearing nothing on the end of the line . " Billy ? " he repeated . " I don 't know , " Billy admitted . " There 's not exactly a game plan for this . I don 't know what to say to her . " He looked up at Ronan . " I don 't want to hurt her . " Suddenly the door swung open and Phyllis stood in the doorway . " Ronan , " she whispered , " I thought I heard your voice . Listen , I was thinking about this … maybe it 's too soon . . maybe Billy would rather come in his own time . Maybe he doesn 't want to see me or … " She stopped talking , realizing for the first time that Ronan hadn 't said and word and instead simply stared at her . " What 's wrong ? " she said quietly . " Here you go . " She took the glass of water and struggled to hold it in her trembling hands . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , forcing herself to look away . " I know you must think I 'm insane . I 'm just staring at you , but … " Her voice broke . " God , Billy , you have no idea how much I 've missed you . " She stepped closer to him , her hand reaching up to touch his face but , after catching the look in his eye , drawing back . " I 'm sorry , " she said again , tears again streaking down her cheeks . " Ronan told me that you don 't remember . I don 't mean to push . " " It 's okay . " Billy forced a smile as he looked at her . " I 'd really like to remember . I want to remember . I just … " Phyllis looked down at her dress , smoothing the front of it before looking back up at him . " This was your favorite , " she said quietly . " You said it brought out the color of my eyes . " Her voice shook as she said the words , desperate to see some flicker of recognition on his face but instead seeing a blank stare intertwined with basic compassion . He felt sorry for her , just as he 'd feel for anyone else . " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . It 's a beautiful dress . You have beautiful eyes . You 're beautiful . I just … . I don 't … . . " He stopped talking , his eyes falling on a picture that sat behind her . " Is that ? " He walked over , pointing to a framed photo . He picked it up , holding it close to him . " Grace , right ? " She closed her eyes , trying uselessly not to cry . " Yes , " she managed , sighing in frustration as she felt fresh tears escape . " That 's your daughter . That 's Grace . " " No . She 's … she 's actually with the sitter tonight . You can meet her tomorrow . You 'll love her . She looks so much like you . Remember how you used to say that you hoped … " She stopped , realizing that he remembered noting of their time together . Every memory , every touch , every word he 'd ever said to her was now a completely one - sided story that he might never again share with her . Her heart broke as she looked up at him . To her , he was the man she loved with all her heart . To him , she was a stranger . " I 'm sorry , but I can 't … I can 't stay here , " she whispered . She grabbed her coat , throwing it on as she headed towards the door . Gripping her purse in her hands she headed out the door . " I don 't know what to do , " Billy said quietly . " I hate doing this to her . She wants me to remember so badly and I just don 't . I can 't . " " I know one thing , " Ronan said sternly . " You need to go after her . You might not remember her , but I 'll tell you from experience … that 's not a woman you let walk out of your life . " Had she not been so upset , she probably would have noticed the look of abject terror on his face . Ronan fought to keep his composure as he gently wrapped her in his arms . " Hey , just relax . It 's alright . It 's all going to be alright . Just tell me what happened . " Phyllis leaned back , blinking as she looked up at him . " I don 't know , " she managed . " I was just waiting in the park for the agent . " She paused . " I told about the agent right ? " She doubted everything about herself in that moment . Nothing seemed to make sense . " Yeah , " he whispered , trying his best to calm her . He rested his hand on hers as she slowly began to still . " You did . You said you were meeting with her to try and find a place in Genoa City . Did you find anything ? " She shook her head , her mind drifting back to the park . " No … she … she … wasn 't there . The sitter came and took Grace over to the pond to see the ducks . " She smiled . " Grace loves the ducks . " He hated to ask more questions , hated bringing up something that caused her so much distress , but whatever had happened in the park today had clearly been enough to put her in this state . It had caused her to leave Grace with a sitter for the night and worse , it had caused her question her sanity . " Phyllis ? " His voice was hesitant as he looked at her , his hand softly brushing her cheek , " You said you thought you saw Billy ? " Tears immediately rushed into her eyes , cascading down her cheeks . " I would have bet my life on it , Ronan . It looked so much like him . " It was the cry in her voice that killed him , the desperation and the longing that made him feel far worse than he ever thought possible . " What happened ? " He was certain he didn 't want to know the answer , but even more sure he had to . She looked away , clearly embarrassed . " I chased after him , " she said softly , glancing up for a moment before looking away again . " I just … I thought it was him . I really did . I mean , in my head I knew … or at least now I know it couldn 't be because he 's … . . he 's … " She couldn 't bring herself to say the word . Somehow saying it made it more real and it just felt wrong . " Yeah … and he took off . I 'm sure he thought I was insane and he was just trying to get the hell out of dodge . It 's just … . " She sighed , looking up at him with the eyes that still broke his heart . " I don 't ' know … it just seemed so real . It wasn 't even that I thought it looked like him … in that moment , I thought it was Billy and I had to get to him … as if somehow if I 'd been able to catch him , he wouldn 't be gone . " She looked up , her eyes screaming with a desperation he hadn 't seen there before . " I 'm telling you , I think I might really be losing it . " He cupped her face in his hands . " The last thing you are is crazy . Do you hear me ? You 're hurting . It 's okay to hurt . It 's okay to break down . Everyone has a moment like this where they don 't want to accept it … where they 'd do anything to believe that the horrible thing isn 't true . You just want him back so much … that 's all . Your heart is just broken and it 's trying to find a way to feel something besides that emptiness … . " His fingers danced gently against her face , carefully wiping away the tears . She closed her eyes , his words resonating within her soul . There was a truth there - an honesty . Ronan cared about her . He always had and now he wanted to be here , to help her , to heal her . She took a breath , lifting her eyes to meet his as she felt his lips softly brush hers . He was hesitant , tentative as if he was waiting for the moment that she 'd pull away and tell him she couldn 't do this . She wrapped her arms around him , pulling him tighter against her , kissing him - really kissing him and then , finally , pulling back . " Hey Ashley , " he said softly , glancing back towards the door to make sure Phyllis didn 't interrupt . " Billy - can I uh speak to … " His eyes closed as he heard the words he was most afraid of . " Yeah , " he sighed . " Yeah , I thought maybe he was . " He took a deep breath . " Listen , I uh . . I don 't have his personal cell number , so can you get in touch with him and give him my number . Ask him to give me a call , please . Tell him it 's urgent . " He waited . " Yeah , thanks . " He shoved the phone back in pocket , his mind racing with possibilities . There was no way to make this better . How did he tell her this ? How could he make her understand ? She stood in front of him , tears still shimmering in her eyes , her arms crossed . " Not when what ? ! I 'm sorry if I 'm not as over Billy as you 'd like me to be , Ronan , but I can 't promise you I 'm ever going to be in a place where I don 't ever think about him . I 'm trying , damn it ! I 'm trying , but I still feel a connection to him . I know they say you have to move on , but that 's hard when you still feel like someone is a part of you and I just … " The tears streamed down her face again and she huffed as she turned away from him . " I don 't expect you to understand this . " " Phyllis , " he whispered , " That 's what I 'm trying to tell you . " He placed his hands on her shoulder , gently turning her around to face him . " I 'm trying to tell you that there 's a reason you feel that way . You thought you saw Billy today because you did . " She blinked , her entire body suddenly feeling numb . She reached for him , and allowed him to move her over to the chair . " What did you say ? " she asked , looking up at him . " I know … I know how it must sound , but you have to listen to me . You saw Billy today . Not someone you thought was Billy , not someone who looked like Billy , but Billy . " " No . " She shook her head violently , running her hands over her face . " No . Billy is dead . He 's dead . He died . He 's gone . " She felt his hands on her face as he forced her to look at him . " No he 's not , " he said quietly . " He was in a car accident where he lost all his identification . He was found a few days later in an isolated area and taken to a local hospital . He 's been there for nearly a year . " " He had no ID and the accident - he didn 't remember … and he still doesn 't . He doesn 't know who he is . " Ronan took a breath , hating that he had to ruin the miracle of the moment with words like this . " He doesn 't know who you are … who any of his family is . He doesn 't remember anything . " Her sharp intake of breath startled him and he waited for the eventual onslaught of rage . " Wait … Wait a minute . " She struggled to stand , her hands trembling as she wrung them around and around each other . " How do you know all this ? You know all this about him ? " The look in her eyes was part shock , part anger , part disbelief . " You knew ? You knew Billy was alive and you didn 't tell me ? " " That wasn 't your choice to make ! " she screamed , tears of rage now pouring from her eyes as she struggled for breath . " How dare you ! " She struck out at him in anger and he allowed her to pound at his chest for several minutes before he gently grabbed her wrists . " Please stop , " he pleaded . " Phyllis … Phyllis , please . " She thrashed against him for several minutes before finally collapsing into the chair out of sheer exhaustion . When she finally looked up at him , her eyes were desperate again . Ronan knelt down in front of her . " Listen , I 'm not asking you to forgive me , " he whispered , " but I still want to help you … whatever you believe about me , please believe that I genuinely want to make things better for you and for Grace . Billy is in Genoa City and I can help you find him . I can bring him here . Will you let me do that ? " " I 'm sorry . I don 't have any kind of picture ID , " Billy said with a sigh , " but I 'll pay in cash - in advance , " he offered . " For the entire week . " He watched the look on the desk clerk 's face , her suspicious eyes , lighting up a bit at the sight of the cash on the dingy countertop . " Yeah , the whole week , upfront and the security deposit . " He glanced around the small front office . The fact that this place had a security deposit was a bit laughable , but he didn 't have the luxury of being particular . Not too many hotels in the city would rent to someone with no ID and no valid credit card . " Alright , " she said gruffly , snatching the money and handing him a key . " We don 't do the key cards , " she smiled . " We 're not too fancy around here . " Billy sighed . " No problem . Neither am I . " He shoved the key into his pocket as he trudged out the door onto the sidewalk . It was only a few steps to his new front door . The key slipped into the lock easily and he pushed open the door and leaned his bag against the wall . " She wasn 't kidding , " he mumbled out loud , " Nothing fancy about this . " He closed the door , and flipped the lock . It had been an exhausting day and a long bus ride . After kicking off his shoes and removing his jacket , he stretched out across the bed . Reaching into the back pocket of his jeans , he pulled out the photo , pulling it down to his chest . He didn 't know who they were or what they meant to him , but Ashley had been right - they meant something and in a world where nothing seemed to make any connection , something was a hell of a lot . He closed his eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep . " Hi . " Ronan stood up , pulling out the chair and waiting for Phyllis to sit before sliding it back under the table . He leaned in to lightly kiss her cheek before bending down to speak to Grace . " And good morning to you too , " he smiled , reaching into the stroller and stroking her tiny hand . " Word 's gonna get out that you 're nothing but a big ol ' softie , " she hissed . " Pulling out chairs , playing with babies … pretty soon you 'll be drinking light beer and getting facials … " She grinned mischievously as he took a seat across from her . " Oh , " She was serious for a moment and he worried he might have said too much . He nearly sighed aloud in relief as he watched the smile spread across her face again . " You know what , I 've missed them too . It 's been a long time since I 've felt like smiling like that and you know what ? You 're the reason why … " " You did what you always do . You reminded me of what it 's like to just be … not to be worried about a million things … not to be so serious all the time . You reminded me that it 's okay to just enjoy life every once in a while … and you 're good with my kid . That always helps . " " Well , she happens to be a great kid . That helps too . " Ronan glanced down at Grace who worked furiously to pull her foot into her mouth . He grinned , " And working on being as flexible as her Mama I see … . " He stopped . " I 'm sorry . . I was joking . . I didn 't mean anything by that … " " Ronan , … Ronan … " She laughed , reaching across the table and lightly touching his hand . " It 's alright , honestly . I 'm really enjoying spending time with you and I don 't know where things are going but I 'd like to see and if you 're willing to be a little patient . I mean , I 'm not quite ready for that yet , but … " " I can be patient . You 're worth waiting for . " The words came out of his mouth more quickly than he intended and he cleared his throat , feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment as he brought his coffee cup to his lips to take a sip , " So , " he said , with a deep breath , " What are the two of you up to today ? " Phyllis smiled , appreciating his attempt to lighten the mood . " Well , actually we need to get going . We 're going to head to the park and take a walk and I 'm meeting a real estate agent there a little later . " " Oh , " he breathed . " I didn 't realize you weren 't planning on staying in town . I just thought earlier when you said … " He shook his head . " Never mind . I mean you certainly don 't own me any explanation . . " " No . . No . . I 'm talking to an agent about trying to find a place here … so that I can stay here permanently . Initially it was always the plan to go back to Chicago , but I realized that I 've really missed it here and there 's some things that I 'd like to pursue here . " She let her eyes drift up to find his again and she smiled . Phyllis stood , glancing around the crowded park as the sitter pushed Grace over by the pond . She glanced down at her cell phone . There were no missed calls , so she expected the meeting was still on as planned . She 'd never been very good at waiting . Forcing a smile , she paced back and forth passed groups of people picnicking and talking , scanning the crowds to look for a familiar face . The agent had her number . Surely she 'd call if she 'd arrived and couldn 't find her . With a frustrated sigh , Phyllis collapsed onto a bench . This is what she 'd always told her children . If you were lost , stay in one place - that way you 're easier to find . She moved her head slowly from left to right , scanning each section of the park with precision . Her eyes fell on a tree in the far corner . In an instant her heart began to race . It wasn 't possible . It couldn 't be . She stood , her legs already trembling . Logic and rational thought were quickly overwhelmed by the simple idea of it being true and she bolted across the grass , babbling apologies to people as she pushed them aside . The closer she got the more certain she was . He was the same height , the same build . He had his skin , his hair … . He knocked on the door , resisting the urge to kick it down . He 'd barely been able to understand her on the phone , her message was so garbled and almost incoherent . When he 'd finally managed to calm her somewhat , he 'd managed to understand that she was in her room and that she needed him to come … ' now ' . If there was one thing he knew for certain , Phyllis Summers didn 't ask for help . The fact that she 'd called was a sure sign that something was terribly wrong . " Phyllis ? " he called , leaning in close to the door , desperate to hear something , anything to let him know she was okay . He breathed a sigh of relief when he heard footsteps . " Hey , " he whispered , wrapping his arms around her as she nearly collapsed into his arms . He stepped inside the room , pushing the door closed behind him as he walked her back into the living area and gently sat her down on the bed . He sat down beside her as he pushed the hair away from her face . One look at her eyes and he could tell she 'd been crying for hours . " Is Grace alright ? " Grace was the only thing he could think of that might put her in such a state . Phyllis nodded . " She 's with the sitter , " she said quietly . " I couldn 't let her see me like this … not like this . " She seemed to calm for a minute , her hands shaking a bit as she clasped his tightly in hers . " Ronan , " she began , " I need your help . You 've always been honest with me and I need you to tell me the truth . . no matter what , okay ? " " I know you 've only been around for a little while and you only know what I 've told you , but you 've seen me recently and … . " Her voice broke and he watched painfully as she struggled to regain what little composure she had left . " I need to know … Do you think … Do you think it 's possible that I could be losing my mind ? " " What ? " He stared at her for a moment , stroking her face again , brushing the hair that stuck to her face in the tear stained tracks away . " Why would you say that ? No … No … You 're not losing your mind . You 're grieving . That 's okay . You 're allowed to be sad . You 're allowed to have bad days . " " I know how it sounds … ok ? And I know it can 't be true , so I 'm not so far gone , right ? " She forced a small smile before the tears came again . " Oh God , Ronan , " she sobbed , " I swear I saw him today . I saw Billy . " " You know , you need to eat something . " Ashley sighed as she stepped into the room . " Billy Abbott , " she bellowed , smiling as he finally glanced over at her . " So I see . " Ashley sat her bag in the chair by his bed and placed a paper take out bag on the tray by the laptop . " Here , " she grinned , " I smuggled in some outside food for you since they 're going to be springing you later . I figured you might as well get your system used to eating something that actually has a taste . " " Pfft . Don 't say that . Come on , if any one of us was to go researching our pasts on the internet , I 'm sure we 'd all be able to come up with a file of misdeeds we 'd rather not remember . " " Try a file cabinet , " Billy retorted . " I mean the woman that I 'm in love with … the woman I have a child with was my brother 's wife when we got together . That 's … . " He stopped , not even knowing how to put his thoughts into words . Billy rolled his eyes . " You 've been watching too many movies , " he sighed . " I don 't know . . it 's just . . " He picked up the photo and looked at it again . Ashley smiled . " I 've been watching you , " she said quietly , " every time you look at that picture . It 's like you don 't remember in your head , but maybe your heart does . " " Ugh , " Billy leaned back against the pillow . " That 's what I 'm talking about , " he sighed . " That 's why I have to go back there . I have to see this place . I have to see these people . Maybe if I 'm back in the places and I can actually be surrounded by the things and the people I used to know , it 'll all come back . " " I don 't know , but I do know I have to try . " He paused . " I can 't thank you enough for everything you 've done though … from taking care of me to helping me get this far to talking them into letting me out . And the loan … " Phyllis nodded . " Yeah , it 's been really good for me to have her around . In the beginning , she was the only thing that kept me going most days . " " I don 't know , " she said honestly . " I mean , Ronan and I had a good thing for a while and it 's been great to see him , but I 'm not sure if I 'm ready to jump back into anything serious right now . I 'm not sure that I 've really moved on to that point yet . " " Phyllis ? You are going back to Chicago , right ? I just assumed this was a visit like all the other times . " Her mouth moved into a broad smile , " Are you telling me that you 're thinking about coming back to Genoa City for good ? " " Wait - Wait … " Phyllis held up her hand to stop the impending excitement . " Don 't start shopping for apartments yet . I haven 't decided anything for sure , but yes - I 'm thinking about it . It would be good for Grace to be closer to the family and the truth is I miss it here . I thought going away would be easier , that it would help me get over Billy , but I think about him no matter where I am and the only thing the distance has done is keep me away from my friends and family . " " No , " Phyllis responded , heading to the door quickly . She stretched a bit , glancing through the peephole and quickly glancing back over her shoulder at Lauren . " It 's Ronan , " she whispered . Lauren shook her head , pulling open the door and smiling at them both . " Hello Ronan , " she said cheerfully . " I think there 's some muffins left if you 're hungry . " " No , you didn 't . Lauren was just leaving anyway . " Phyllis glanced down at the ground , her actions from earlier still weighing heavily on her mind . " Oh , of course you can . I 'm sorry . I wasn 't thinking , " Phyllis stammered , stepping aside and allowing him to walk in . " Phyllis , " Ronan began , clearing his throat nervously , " I should have never pushed you the way that I did . You have every right to feel however you feel and for me to suggest that you shouldn 't or to even sound like I 'm suggesting you should is completely out of line . I would never want you think that I don 't respect everything you had with Billy because I do and I completely understand that you 're not in a place where … . " " Ronan … Ronan … Ronan . . " Phyllis looked at him , a warm smile playing on her face once his eyes met hers . " It 's okay , " she whispered , " You don 't have to apologize . I 'm the one who should be apologizing . You were just trying to be honest with me and I overreacted . I 'm just really sensitive to a lot of things when it comes to Billy and I shouldn 't have got so upset with you . You were just trying to make things better between us and I understand that . I really do . I want things to be okay with us . I want us to be able to be honest with each other … even if it isn 't always easy or pretty . " " I 'm sorry , " Phyllis said , shaking her head . " I swear it 's like she 's got radar or something . Let me just go get her . " She turned to go before stopping and looking back at him . " Promise you 'll be here when I get back , okay ? " He watched as she walked towards the nursery , his heart pounding in his chest . Guilt welled up inside him as he stood there . He knew how much she missed him , how much it hurt her every day to think he was gone , but wouldn 't it hurt her more to know that he was here physically but gone forever from her in the way that truly mattered . His mind raced as he heard her soft footsteps enter the room . " Looks like you 've made quite the impression , " Phyllis smiled as she bent down to pick up a few toys . " You know they say babies have great instincts about people . " She looked up at him , her eyes staring into his for a moment . " You think that 's true ? " Lauren smiled . " The surprise in your voice tells me that I 've been a pretty crappy friend recently . " She leaned in to give her a quick hug . " I 'm really sorry I haven 't been around much sweetie . I 've just been so busy with work and everything else . " She pulled away , sighing deeply , " Which is absolutely no excuse for not calling or coming by , but … " " It 's fine … don 't give it another thought . I 'm just glad to see you this morning . " She reached out for the coffee and paper bag . " And you have no idea how much I need this this morning . " " Yeah , " Phyllis smiled , " She 's sweet now … not so sweet at 4am when she refuses to sleep . " She stroked Grace 's arm as she shook her head slowly . " No , it 's not that … it 's just … I don 't know … everything really . " Ronan felt his own heart break as he heard the words . He could only imagine how Phyllis would feel . " You don 't recognize that woman at all ? " He looked back down at the picture again , " No . . I . . I . . don 't . Should I ? Who is she ? " He paused for a minute . " Wait a minute . You called me Billy . Do you know who I am ? Is that my name ? " Ronan took a deep breath . There was no going back now . " Yes , " he sighed . " I know who you are . Your name is Billy Abbott . You 're from Genoa City , Wisconsin . You were injured in a car accident about a year ago and you 've been missing ever since . " " Billy Abbott , " he breathed . It felt like he 'd been punched in the gut . The relief he 'd expected to feel when he finally got the answers wasn 't here and in its place was this overwhelming sense of anxiety . There were so many questions , too many questions , questions he didn 't even know how to put into words . " The picture ? " His heart felt as if would pound out of his chest and he closed his eyes for a moment . " She 's little , " he finally managed . " Is she still little like that ? " " Oh . " He didn 't know what to say . He didn 't even know what to feel . In every dream he 'd had about his life , it had never been like this . He 'd always been happy to find out who he was and where he 'd come from , but this - this was like an overwhelming wave that he couldn 't get out from under . He kept fighting for breath , but the water kept coming . Thoughts hit one after the other and the second he managed a coherent question , another necessary , more pressing inquisition would assault his brain . " No . I haven 't told her . I thought about it , but I didn 't . " Ronan watched his face , anticipating anger , but instead he was met with confusion . Ronan stood up , walking a few steps away from him and turning his back . It was easier to say if he didn 't have to look at him . " Because I love her , " he said quietly . He turned back after a few moments with no response . Billy simply looked at him , waiting for him to continue . He sat back down in the chair , his hands brushing hard over his face . " You have every right to be angry . I mean , I can 't imagine what it must be like to have no idea about your life and then to know that someone knew everything and kept it from you . I 'd be mad as hell if I were you right now . " He paused . " In fact , I 've gotta say , I 'm kind of curious why you 're not . You 're taking this pretty well . " Billy shook his head slowly . " I don 't know . I guess I figure you didn 't have to tell me now , but you did . I wouldn 't have known . You never had to come back here , but you did and that must mean you care about the same people that I did … or do … " " You and I … we don 't know each other that well , " Ronan began , " but I 'll answer any questions you have , alright ? I 'll try to help you however I can , but I just need one thing from you . I know you want to get back to your life , but think about what I said . You know how it feels to forget , but imagine being forgotten . " He picked up the phone again , bringing the picture back onto the screen . " She 's been through hell and she 's just now finally beginning to try and find her life again . I can be there for her , for both of them … and I 'm not saying you can 't . I 'm just saying that right now … . " " I don 't want to see her hurt anymore . That 's all . I swear to you that I 'll help you . I 'll visit and I 'll answer questions and I 'll keep you updated . I 'll bring pictures and anything you want . I just know … " He paused , trying to figure out the right words … the right way to make him understand . " Phyllis misses you with everything in her . You are all she talks about . She wants you back and I 'm not sure if she could handle a person that looks like you and sounds like you but isn 't really you . Does that make any sense at all ? " " Yeah , " he whispered . " Yeah , it does . " He was quiet for a moment before adding , " You 'll make sure they 're okay ? " " You have my word . " Ronan held out his hand , shaking it as Billy took it . " The hospital has my number . You can call me anytime . " Billy pushed himself up in bed . " Later … Later , " he said quickly , holding his hand up to stop the conversation . " Right now , I need you tell me the quickest way to get a laptop set up in here . " |
Chapter Eight He bought a meal from one of the sandwich stands and chose a table just across from the auto parts store so Aaron could still see him . He knew that Aaron would come talk to him . He just didn 't know what he was going to say to him when he did . His plan kept running through his head , but he knew that he 'd have to change it as all of this went one way or another . He looked up and saw that Aaron was coming out of the store and walking straight to him . " Adam ? " Aaron asked , smiling at him when he stepped up to the table . " Well I 'll go straight home after work , " Aaron said . " I live in Donny 's trailer . My dad bought it after Donny went to jail . " " All right , " Adam said , shocked that Aaron would even want to live in the trailer . He supposed it wouldn 't matter soon . If he got him to drink the potion , he 'd be moving to Crippin . " I 'll swing by the trailer in a couple hours then . " " All right , " he said , looking excited . " Listen , if I 'm not there yet , there 's a spare key under the stone flower pot on the deck . Just let yourself in . I trust you . " He didn 't see any reason to give Aaron any more information until was absolutely necessary . He drove straight to the trailer and let himself in with the key that he found under the stone pot on the deck just like Aaron had told him where to find it . He stepped inside and was shocked by the state of the place . It had been clean when he lived there because he 'd been the one to clean it . The furniture hadn 't matched then and it had been old , second hand furniture . What was in the living room was still second hand , but it matched and looked more modern . The carpet was clean as well . It looked like someone had shampooed it . There was a better looking kitchen table with two matching chairs in the kitchen . This table was light wood where the other had been a step up from a folding card table with two folding chairs . There were plastic containers lined up on the counter beside the sink . Each had a label . He read them and found that they were tea , coffee , sugar and flour . Four boxes of cereal stood next to the canisters . Everything was dust free and clean . Adam opened cabinet doors to see boxed and canned food stacked neatly inside . He opened the fridge to find food in plastic containers , a gallon of milk , two loaves of bread , a package of cheese , two packages of hot dogs and various other foods . But it looked neat and organized . He suspected that the rest of the trailer would look the same . He was amazed that Aaron was so neat when his older brother had been so sloppy . He walked through the trailer . The back bedroom , where he 'd been victimized by Donny had a new bed , matching nightstands with second hand lamps on them . There were no clothes on the floor either . There was a laundry basket beside the dresser with dirty clothes in it . On the tall dresser , Aaron had two football trophies , an eight by ten photograph of his family and two watches . Adam went to the spare bedroom where the weight bench had been . It was still there , but there was also a punching bag in the corner , a pair of athletic shoes sat beside the door just inside the room , and the scent that Adam remembered was gone . He was amazed by all of this and wondered if someone was cleaning for Aaron the way that he had cleaned for Donny . That didn 't compute though . Adam had only been able to clean as far as the supplies Donny had available would let him . This was much more than what he had been able to do . He went back to the kitchen and looked in the cabinets under the counter . They were filled with cleaning liquids , sprays , brushes , buckets and laundry and dish soaps . Adam quickly found a sauce pan and started making the potion . He left it to brew as he searched the now immaculate bathroom for hair . He finally found the brush that Aaron used on his hair and was happy to find several strands in its bristles . He took the strands and went back to the kitchen where the potion was boiling now . He dropped the stands in and stirred the potion with a spoon from the drawer beside the sink . He watched as the potion quickly turned red and took the pan off the fire . He searched the cabinets for anything that he could put the potion in once it cooled . He found a bag in the bottom drawer by the stove . Inside were small plastic juice bottles . There were six of them . He placed them on the counter and waited for the potion to cool . He wasn 't sure how to get Aaron to drink the potion . He thought for a moment and then crossed the kitchen to the fridge and opened it . Inside he found a gallon jug of tea behind the milk . He took that out and then searched the kitchen for more empty jugs . He made his own tea in an empty milk jug and had two or three under the sink as spares . He hoped that Aaron did that too . He found them under the sink on the left side . There were three of them . He rinsed them and then grabbed the canisters of tea and sugar . He made himself a glass of iced tea from the jug of tea already made . Then he put six tea bags in the coffee pot , filled the pot with water and then transferred it to the basin at the back of the machine . He turned it on and waited . He tested the potion to see how hot it was . It was still plenty hot but he wondered if it had to be cold to add to the tea . He found a funnel in the drawer by the sink . He used it to put sugar in the first of the empty jugs . When the pot was done brewing he used the funnel to add the hot tea and then a bit of the potion . He put the cap on the jug and shook it to mix the hot liquid and sugar . Then he filled it with water , gave it one more shake and then put it on the table and repeated the process with the other two jugs . Then he put potion in the tea that Aaron had made and put it back in the fridge . He sat at the table to wait for Aaron to come home . He had the bag of potion bottles and empties on the table in front of him . When he heard Aaron pulling up to the trailer he got up and made him a glass of the potion infected iced tea . He sat it on the table in front of the other chair as Aaron came through the door . He smiled when he saw Adam . " I 've been going to the community college here while Dad tried to put money together to send me to college . When he told me he had my tuition money , I applied to a few universities . I haven 't heard back from any of them yet though . " " Well why don 't you move to Crippin and stay with me ? " Adam said . " You could apply at Stattler - Mead . I 'm sure you 'd be accepted . I could even get you a scholarship so your dad wouldn 't have to pay anything . " " He 's in the half - way house in Greenfield , " Aaron said . " He 'll be getting out in three weeks . They say he 's getting out early for good behavior . " " No , " he said . " No list . I 've not seen Donny since he was in court for sentencing , Adam . Do you know what he did to me ? " " I know you have , Aaron , " he said . " Don 't worry about it . I want to get some closure with Donny over all of that , so I can move on with my life . I 'm moving you in with me , so I just want to talk to Donny . " He got what he was waiting for . Aaron doubled over , putting his head on the table and moaning as the pain hit him for wanting to say no to Adam . Adam thought about Melvin and all of the times he 'd tried to say no to Adam or had a bad thought about him . It was painful to think of Melvin though . He looked back at Aaron , who 's face had turned green . The boy twisted in his chair and vomited on the floor . He was silent as Aaron cleaned up his mess and then went to empty the bucket in the bathtub and rinse his mouth . He came back to the kitchen and sat down . He gulped the glass of tea quicker than Adam could blink . He got right up and made himself another glass of tea and sat back down . " You forced me to suck your dick twice a day for almost a year , " Adam explained . " Then you basically gave me to your sick , sadistic brother . I 've come to take my revenge for that . You are going to pack your clothes and keepsakes , give notice at work and tell your family that you 're moving to Crippin to take a job and attend the university there . " " You will tell no one what is really going on , Aaron , " Adam said . " You will do whatever I say from now on . Is that clear ? " " Forever , " Adam replied . " What 's your next day off from work ? " " I 'm off for the weekend , " he said . " I can probably get Monday off , too . " " Do it , " Adam ordered . " I 'll pick you up Sunday afternoon . We 'll drive to Greenfield to see your brother and you will go along with whatever I say . " " Get to packing , " Adam said . " And don 't forget to drink at least one glass of tea every morning . Don 't get rid of it either . I 'll call you every day with instructions and to see how you 're doing . " He programmed Aaron 's number into his phone . Then he put his glass in the sink , grabbed the bag of potion bottles and left . He thought of Melvin as he drove back to his old house to have dinner with Pete and Lisa . It hurt to think of Melvin , but the experience he 'd just had brought all of the early memories to the front of his mind . He pushed them aside and thought about how easy it had been to get Aaron . He just hoped that it would be as easy to get Donny . He pulled up in front of his old house and tried not to remember what his life had been like when he 'd lived in it . He got out with a sigh and walked up the walk . The door opened as soon as he stepped onto the front porch and Lisa came out . She grinned and hugged him . Adam couldn 't believe how different the house looked . Outside it had a fresh coat of paint , and they 'd changed it from white to blue . Adam wouldn 't have chosen that color , but it was Pete and Lisa 's house now . The living room looked bright and warm . The brown leather furniture went well with the glass and brass coffee table and end tables . Brass lamps stood on the end tables . The walls were lined with pictures of Pete and Lisa . Some were of Lisa 's cheer squad and some were of Pete 's family . A large oval braided rug sat under the coffee table , and there were two huge potted ferns . One was beside the recliner and the other was next to the entertainment center . He followed them into the kitchen and got another shock . The cabinets were clear of all of the junk that Larry had piled on them . They were clean and looked almost like new . There was a new kitchen table and chairs . He could see Lisa 's touch in the potted plants on the shelf above the sink in front of the window . She also had blue and white teddy bear canisters lined up beside the sink . They sat at the table and ate the pork chops that Pete had made . They talked more about Crippin and the house that Adam had bought . Pete remarked on how small Adam made it sound . He told them that he didn 't need a big house to live in . It was just him and he didn 't plan to take on a roommate . After the meal he left them and checked into the Holiday Inn . He used his computer to search out things for what he had planned . He found many sexual torture devices on an S & M site . It also had videos . He watched a few that showed the items in use . Then he found a site for dungeons . The site was all about building them and he found a link to a contractor who could build it all in four days to any specifications . On his site there were even pictures . He was happy to find that the man was in Chicago . He quickly called the number provided on the site and book a time for him to come to the house and look at the basement . He told the man that he wanted a fully functional dungeon and told him that he wanted what was pictured in the third example . He went to bed that night with visions of his dungeon in his head . He just hoped that he could get Donny in that dungeon and begin to make him pay for what he 'd done to him . He already had Aaron , and soon the boy would be living under his roof . He had plans for Aaron , but they were nothing like his plans for Donny . He spent the week alternating between the hotel and Pete and Lisa 's . He had dinner with them every night , and they continued to try and talk him into both staying with them until Sunday and returning to Storyville University . He told them no to both as politely as he could and tried to make them understand both why he didn 't want to stay in that house for any longer than necessary and why he wanted nothing to do with Storyville University . He was even looking online for stores that specialized in S & M merchandise and tattoo shops near or in Crippin so he wouldn 't have to return to Storyville for any reason . He found both relatively quickly . There was a tattoo parlor in Crippin that was run by a gay man . Adam thought that was perfect . There was an S & M store in Chicago that he could get the collar from and any replacements for his dungeon that he needed . It was perfect . He had that all figured out , but he didn 't tell Pete and Lisa that he never planned to return to Storyville . He also called Aaron every morning to ensure that he drank his tea and to see how far along in the moving process the boy was . He told him to sell his furniture back to the second hand store it had come from , but to save his bedroom furniture and the weight set and punching bag . Those could be brought to Crippin and used by Aaron and Donny . Adam would join a gym . This time he wouldn 't be taking his slaves along for the gawking factor . They would stay at home . Aaron told him that he was having trouble convincing his father that he needed to do this . Adam had an idea about that , but he wasn 't sure about it yet . He 'd give Aaron time to convince the man before he stepped in . If he stepped in Aaron would never be able to return to Crete for any reason . His reputation would be destroyed , and his family would shun him . Adam was sure of it . On Sunday morning he downloaded all of the directions to Greenfield and the half - way house . He wrote them in his notebook and then checked out of the hotel . He put all of his bags in the back of the truck but kept the laptop and all of his electronics in the truck with him . He drove to Aaron 's trailer and walked inside without knocking . Aaron was his property now after all . There was no being courteous . He was pleased by what he saw . There were packed boxes all over the front room , but the furniture was gone . The folding card table was back along with its two folding chairs . That was the only furniture in the living room and kitchen . The canisters were gone from the counter along with the boxes of cereal . It looked like someone was either moving in or moving out . " Yes , " he said . " I got two bags of ice to fill it , too . I just don 't understand why I have to take my tea with me . " " Because I said you had to take it , " Adam replied . " Don 't question my orders again , Aaron . You 'll do what I say when I say it and you won 't bitch or moan about it or I 'll hurt you . " " Let 's get going , " Adam said . " I don 't want to be on the road all day long . We 'll stay in a motel and visit Donny tomorrow morning . Then I 'll drive you back here so you can finish packing and work until your last day . Then I expect you to be in Crippin as soon as possible . " " Make him understand , Aaron , " Adam said . " This isn 't something you can get out of . If I have to make him understand he 'll hate you . " They left and headed for a gas station . He had Aaron fill the truck while he went in and bought soda to put in the cooler . He didn 't intend to make Aaron drink only tea . He could have soda as well . He got pre made cold cut sandwiches and put all of it in the cooler . After he paid for the gas they were on their way . He handed Aaron the page from the notebook with the directions printed on it and told him to navigate . They were mostly silent on the journey from Crete to Greenfield . Adam asked a few questions about what was going on with Aaron 's job and got the answers he wanted . Aaron 's last day was a week away . He just hoped that closing would finish by the time Aaron got there . He didn 't like the idea of keeping him in a hotel . That wouldn 't work out very well if he decided to do anything that would cause Aaron to yell or cry out . By the time they 'd arrived in Greenfield , Adam had decided he 'd rent a house if he had to . It wasn 't like he couldn 't afford it . He supposed he could also use magick to make the closing of the sale happen faster as well . That was something to think about . He wasn 't sure he should use too much magick . They found a motel that was just that , a motel . It was an " L " shaped building with fourteen rooms in a straight line . The smaller section was taken up by the office , vending machines and the ice machine . Adam paid for a room and parked the truck in front of it . The building itself was grey and white . The siding was grey clapboard or vinyl . The trim around the windows and the door was white . The roof was grey shingles . The inside of the room was all right . The floor was covered in soft blue carpet . There was a queen sized bed in the center of the room against the right wall . There were nightstands that weren 't too scarred . They were covered in some kind of laminate that was dark and had a faux wood grain . There was a wood based lamp with off white shades on either nightstand . The bed was covered with a light blue blanket . There was an archway on the other side of the bed and Adam could see the long counter and sink in there . There was also a small fridge under the counter . He had Aaron put the cooler on the counter and transfer the soda , sandwiches and his tea to the fridge . He went into the bathroom to have a look at it and use the facilities . The floor was white tile . The walls , like all of the walls in the room were plaster and off white . There was a tub and shower combo along one wall with a toilet across from it . It was a very bright room . Adam used the toilet and then went back to the sink and washed his hands . They sat on the bed and had sandwiches with sodas . Then Adam took a shower . When he came back from the bathroom he didn 't bother to dress . There was no point . He did notice that Aaron looked him over really well . That was fine too , but he didn 't want to be the only one naked . He sent Aaron to take his shower but had him strip in the room . When he padded off to the bathroom Adam picked up his clothes and stuffed them in the laundry bag he 'd taken out of his duffle . He sat on the bed and thought about all he was going to do to Aaron and all that he had to teach the boy before Donny joined them . He was sure Donny would at least agree to visit them in Crippin . If he did that he 'd have him as well . He was surprised that his dick was hard as he thought about it all , but it was a good thing . Aaron came out of the bathroom all clean and naked . Adam smiled . " It 's time to get started in your new role , Aaron , " Adam said , nodding at his dick . " You 'll suck my dick every morning and every night . Your ass is safe , at least for now . You never fucked me so I don 't plan to fuck you any time soon . That isn 't to say I won 't decide I want to . Get over here and suck my dick . " He moved down so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed . He spread his legs as Aaron knelt on the floor . Adam was excited about what was going to happen . He wasn 't going to fuck his face like Aaron had done to him in the past , but that would come later . Right now he just wanted to get off . Aaron took his dick into his mouth and began to move his mouth up and down the shaft , getting it wet . Then he swallowed it , showing Adam that Donny had taught him well . He let him do what he wanted . After all he was only interested in getting off . He didn 't care how fast it happened . There was plenty of time to teach Aaron to go slowly and make it last . It didn 't last long . It had been a while since Adam had last gotten off , and Aaron was very good at what he was doing . He told him to swallow his cum when he got close and then gripped the sides of Aaron 's head , burying his dick in the boy 's throat while he came . Then he got up and crawled under the covers . He told Aaron not to touch his dick and to get in the bed . Once he was in the bed Adam turned off the lamps . He went to sleep without another thought about Aaron . The next morning his cell phone woke him . He turned off the alarm and got out of bed . Aaron got out of the bed as well . Adam told him to make the bed and then get dressed . He went to the sink and shaved his face . Then he brushed his teeth while Aaron put all of the sodas and the sandwiches that were left back into the cooler . The ice was still in it , but it was swimming in a cold well of water . Adam supposed it would be all right . They were returning to Crete after they visited with Donny anyway . The half way house was a three story brick building that looked like it had been a warehouse . It had the warehouse windows in the front . They were all black metal . The door looked newer . It was a wooden door painted black to match the windows . They walked through the door into a hallway with grey tile on the floor and white plaster walls . There was another door at the end of the hall . Adam pushed the button in the small panel beside the door that only had a dead bolt and no doorknob . The door opened and a black man stepped out . He was a good looking guy who Adam though was in his late thirties or early forties . He had a shaved head , long face and very dark eyes . Adam could tell through his black polo shirt and khaki pants that the man was muscular . " Tony Williams , " the man said , shaking Aaron 's hand and then Adam 's . " Come on through . I 'll get Coleson and tell him he has visitors . He hasn 't left for the work site yet , so you 've got a little more than an hour . " He led them through a large room that had two grey metal desks side by side about three feet apart . There were black chairs in front of them in groups of two . Along the wall behind the desk was a row of grey metal filing cabinets . There were books and other things on top of them . They followed Tony through a door at the end of the wall and into what looked like a mini cafeteria . There were appliances along the wall as they came in , the fridge , stove and sinks were all stainless steel . A countertop island took up most of the space about three feet from the appliances . Beyond that were four long metal tables . Each table had six chairs on either side . They sat down at the first table . Tony left them to get Donny . He wasn 't gone long and then Donny sauntered into the room with his familiar swagger . He sat across from them and smirked his patent smirk . " Now Donny , " Adam said , smirking back . " Is that any way to talk to your brother ? After all he 's the reason you won 't have to be paroled to your parents . " " Something like that , Donny , " Adam said , seriously . " Look , we have the room , and you wouldn 't have to be under your parents ' thumbs twenty - four seven . We even know where you can get a job . I assume that 's one of the requirements of your parole . " " I 'm not going to be on parole , " Donny informed them . " I 'm getting time off my sentence for good behavior and time served . When I get out in three weeks , I 'll be free and clear . " " Oh , " Adam said at a momentary loss . " Well at least come and stay with us for a little while , Donny . You need to reconnect with your brother . He 'll be moving to Crippin in a week . " " Calm down , " he laughed . " I 'll come to Crippin and spend a week with you when I get out of here . You 'll have to pick me up though . " They left after that and drove back to Crete . Adam 's mind was awash with plans for Donny . If the guy would at least show up at the house then he 'd have him too . He 'd make a potion and get hair from Donny one way or another . He supposed it could be a pubic hair . He just didn 't relish the idea of sucking Donny 's dick . He 'd do it if he had to though . He dropped Aaron off at the trailer and told him he 'd see him in a week . He was getting back in the truck when the cell phone rang . He was sure it was Pete or Lisa but surprised to find that it was the realtor . He answered and was pleasantly surprised to hear that closing had finished early . The house was his and he could move in any time . She said to just stop by her office and pick up the keys and sign some paperwork . Adam spent his first few days in Crippin looking for furniture . He 'd met with the contractor from Chicago and waited while the man measured the basement . Then he was told that they could close off the water heater and furnace behind a sliding section of wall . He talked about soundproofing and looked at the printed page of dungeon materials that Adam wanted . In the end he was told that it could all be done rather easily . He quoted Adam a price and Adam agreed to pay exactly what he asked . So now there was a construction crew putting soundproofing in his basement and getting it all ready for the items that Adam had paid for . It turned out that everything that Adam wanted could be found in Chicago at retailers and wholesalers . David Glass , the contractor promised to purchase all of these items and bill him for it . Adam was sure he 'd bill him all right . David Glass was a very good looking man with close cropped dark hair , dark eyes and a chiseled set of facial features . The man had broad shoulders that strained the fabric of his t - shirt . His arms were massive as was his chest . It strained the fabric of his t - shirt , too . The broad shoulders and muscular chest tapered to his waist where his legs bulged in his khaki pants . The man was gorgeous . He thought of David Glass as he went to the first of the four furniture stores in Crippin . He found a living room set that he loved right away . It was overstuffed plush material in cream with fluffy pillows that were such a dark brown that they almost matched his hardwood floors perfectly . The set came with a coffee table and three end tables . For a little more money he could have the brass lamps that were on those tables . He paid for the whole thing and set up a time for delivery . Then he went to another furniture store and found a dining room set that was nothing like the one he 'd had in Storyville . The less reminders of those days he had the better off he 'd be he decided . He found a octagon table with eight matching chairs . These were all oak and so darkly stained that they 'd almost match the hardwood as well . He was happy with that . He purchased the set along with a hutch and side table that matched . He had that all set for delivery when he decided not to find a bed for the second bedroom . Aaron would be moving in after all , and he could bring his own bed set that Adam saw in the trailer . He wouldn 't need any of the other furniture , but he 'd need a bed to sleep in . He drove to Storyville the morning of the fourth day of construction , which was supposed to be the last day . He had furniture deliveries the next morning and afternoon . In Storyville he found a moving company and paid them to move his bedroom set from storage along with all of the boxes he had from the other house . He purchased dishes , pots and pans and other necessities while he was in Storyville . When he returned to Crippin David informed him that the basement dungeon was finished . Adam followed him down the stairs to the entrance of the dungeon . He was quite pleased with the vault style door . It didn 't have the spinning dial , but it did have many locks . Off to the left was the access to the furnace and water heater . The electrical panel was disguised by a black cover that had the chinese symbol for Master etched into it . It matched the tattoo on the back of Adam 's neck . He unlocked all of the locks and then handed Adam the ring of keys . The door opened onto a dark playroom with black leather walls and a black floor . Adam looked up at the ceiling and found that it was now covered in black leather . There were no windows in the playroom now . They 'd been sealed off in the soundproofing . There were thermostats for both heat and cold in the playroom behind a slide panel in the wall beside the door . David explained that the heat and cooling systems were separate from the rest of the house . There was a sling in the center of the room . A bondage horse was just inside the door with many hooks and bolts . It was black like everything else in the room . On the wall adjacent to the door was a row of paddles , floggers , cat of nine tails , canes , crops and other devices from ball stretchers to restraints . A black cabinet was under these and inside there were zip ties , screws , bolts and a set of screwdrivers and socket wrenches to put everything together . At the back of the room was the huge black St . Andrews Cross . There were hooks and bolts at the four arms of the cross as well . Off to the left was what looked like a bed . David explained that it was a raised platform with drawers in the pedestal . What was on it was not a mattress exactly but rather a thick black leather pad . It was covered in a black rubber sheet . Above the bed were hooks and connections for suspension cables and another sling which David showed him was in a drawer under the pedestal . There were so many pieces of furniture that Adam didn 't really know how to use , but they had each come with color pamphlets and instructions . These were in the cabinet under the utensils . A sound system panel was in the wall behind the huge bed . David explained that there were speakers all over the basement . The sound system could be loaded with music from any MP3 player . Then he saw the black metal cages lined up in the opposite corner . They were stacked two high . They had leather pads in the bottoms and there were four of them . Adam didn 't need four , but they looked amazingly frightening together . He loved it . He could see Donny and even Aaron in this room being put through their paces and smiled . When David left Adam filled the dishwasher with all of the new dishes and ran them through the washing cycle . Then he tore down the boxes and put them in the bins off the deck . He spent some time putting book cases together and then putting them in the front bedroom where he was going to store all of his magical supplies . He got them set up and then unpacked all of the boxes . He set up his altar and put the black drapes on the windows . David had installed a deadbolt lock on the door without question when Adam had asked . He locked the door and got the air bed blown up in his room . Then he took the dishes out of the dishwasher and dried them . He put them away and put the pots and pans in for a cycle . Then he left the house and headed to the grocery store . He got all of the groceries he would need along with all of the ingredients to make that supplement shake he had the recipe for . He 'd bought a blender , mixer and food processor so he knew he could get it all liquefied without much trouble . He 'd teach Aaron to make it soon enough . He didn 't plan to have Aaron drink the supplement shakes , though . These were for Donny and only Donny . Donny 's life in Adam 's house was going to be very hard and very painful . Adam planned to pay him back in years what he 'd done to him in months . If he grew tired of it he 'd find someone to keep it going even if he had to give them potion to make them do it . When he got home the pots and pans were done , so he made himself a meal of pork chops , boiled potatoes and corn . He heated up rolls to eat with it , cracked the top on a can of soda and sat in the built in nook to eat . After he ate he called Aaron . His notice at work was up and he 'd be moving to Crippin the following day . Adam had already told him to only bring his clothes , personal effects and bedroom furniture . He was calling to find out how much he 'd made from the sale of the other furniture , dishes and the like . He was told that everything had been sold and Aaron had the money for it all in an envelope . He assumed that Adam was going to take it , but that wasn 't what Adam had in mind . He didn 't need or want Aaron 's money . He planned to open an account and put any and all money that Aaron made into it . He told him he 'd see him the next day and got off the phone just as the satellite people knocked on the door . They installed all of the equipment even though Adam 's televisions sat on the floor in the living room and his bedroom . He had a third television and had them install the third receiver in Aaron 's room . After all he wasn 't interested in making Aaron 's life a living hell . That was reserved for Donny . When the satellite people left he sat on the floor in the living room and watched a movie on television . He paid very little attention to the movie . He spent the entire time on the net on his laptop . He read stories about sado masochistic sex , slaves and how it was all done . Some of them were out of the realm of reality , but a lot were real enough . He watched videos on sites of Masters who were showcasing some of their scenes with their slaves . One of the Masters was a good looking younger man named Brian . He had a very specific tattoo on the back of his neck . Adam smiled when he noticed what it was . It was the same as the one on the back of his own neck . He read all of the material on this man 's website and thought about emailing him but didn 't . He closed his laptop and turned off the television . Then he went into the bedroom and stripped naked before crawling into the airbed . The next morning his cell woke him up . He turned off the alarm and sat up . This was a big day . Aaron would be arriving , the furniture stores would be delivering and so would the moving company . Everything was all set . He showered , shaved and then had a light breakfast . He was just finished brushing his teeth when the doorbell rang . He looked at his watch and smiled . The first furniture company was prompt . He let the men into the house and showed them where he wanted the living room furniture . Then he got out of their way and let them bring it all in . He 'd paid for the end tables , the coffee table , the couch , the two seater sofa , the lamps and a television stand for his television . They had it all moved in , put the way he wanted and turned on before he signed the form and gave them a tip to split . He 'd no sooner closed the door and entered the living room when the doorbell rang again . This was the moving company . Two young men carried all of his bedroom furniture into the house and put it in his bedroom . They even put the bed together for him . He tipped them as well and then had a light lunch . He looked at his watch and saw that he still had at least two hours before the second furniture delivery would be made . His phone rang and when he looked at it he saw that it was Aaron . He answered and told him how to get to the house . Aaron had never been to Crippin , so the boy had no way to find it . He stood outside to wait for him . It didn 't take long for him to get there . Adam helped him carry his bedroom furniture into the house from the trailer hitched to his car . There were boxes and bags as well , but he let Aaron carry his own boxes and bags . While he was doing that Adam went into the kitchen to make tea to put in the empty gallon jugs that Aaron had brought with him . He added the potion to each . " Yes , Sir , " Aaron said . He turned to leave the room and then stopped and looked back at Adam . " I thought I 'd be sleeping with you . " " Why did you think that ? " Adam asked . " We slept in the same bed in the motel in Greenfield out of necessity . Here I have my own bed to sleep in and so do you . We 're not going to be lovers , Aaron . Get that firmly into your mind . You 're my slave . Remember that . " Adam went back to making the tea as Aaron turned and walked out of the kitchen . He put two gallon jugs of tea in the fridge and placed the other two empty jugs under the sink . He didn 't want four gallons of tea in the fridge . He was sure they 'd sour after a while . Aaron only drank a glass of tea in the morning as far as Adam knew . He could drink it all day if he wanted to , but that first glass was the order . He was just rinsing out the coffee pot when the doorbell rang . That would be the dining room furniture delivery . He let them in and told them where he wanted everything . Then he let them work . He went back to the kitchen and sat at the nook with his laptop . He was looking for t - shirts that were special . He wanted Aaron and Donny to wear their labels when they were out of the house . Of course Aaron couldn 't wear the shirt to school , and Adam wanted him in school . He 'd wear his regular clothes when he went to school , but when he was out anywhere with Adam he 'd wear the uniform of his station . He found a place in Crippin that printed t - shirts to the customer 's order . They even sold the t - shirts . He wrote down the prices and then closed his laptop . When the moving men had the table , chairs , hutch and sideboard in the house Adam tipped them . He thanked them for bringing the furniture , promised to fill out the customer comment cards they left with him and then saw them to the door . Then he collected Aaron and rode along with him to take the trailer to the moving company . He thought about what to do with Donny the whole time he was out with Aaron . He knew he would treat Donny close to the way that Donny had treated him . He 'd be naked in the house at all times , he wouldn 't sit on the furniture , refused to use the toilet seat , refused to close any door behind him and he 'd eat on the floor like a dog and only the food that Adam decided to let him have . Donny had tried to break him and came dangerously close . Soon it would be time for Adam to return the favor . He would break Donny though . That would be the big difference . He 'd read on the net about a way to do it . It was filled with pain , sex , debasement and strict rules . Adam didn 't know if he was up to all of it , but he was damned sure going to try . Please Donate to Nifty to keep the service alive ! I hope you enjoyed the chapter . See all of my stories at my Annex Site or my Authors Haunt Site . If you would like to be informed when I post a chapter or a story or discuss the story with other readers click here . |
Felix has had a busy day today . After we took the boys to school , this morning , he and I sat outside and played in the sandpit for a while . It was already beautiful and sunny , so it was a great chance to spend some time outside before the day got too hot . He really loves being out there , on the front porch , playing in the sand and watching the neighbour 's big tree in their yard ; he 's fascinated with it . Every now and again he will stop playing and sign ' bird ' when he hears them in the tree . He also likes to watch the cars drive up and down the street , and has a particular interest in the motorbikes . We have quite a few of them on our street so he 's never disappointed . While Felix was playing in the sand , his Speech Pathologist arrived . We packed up quickly and went inside to start his session with her . She asked Felix if he would like to look at the book she held out in her hand , or play with the bubbles she had in the other one . Felix chose the book first , but after a few pages he looked at the bubbles and made some excited " Oooooh " sounds . I think he remembered playing with them last time . I started blowing some bubbles and he started laughing and smiling . Straight away he pointed his finger and popped them as they moved towards him . We focussed on the word " Pop " again as he popped the bubbles . We both noticed that Felix has different verbal sounds when he is doing different activities . They are not words , as such , but they vary depending on what he is doing . It 's a really good sign that his speech is developing . The Speech Pathologist brought a new toy with her today . It is a big , pink piggy bank which she showed Felix how to put chunky , plastic coins into . Once all the coins were inside the pig , Felix had to pull down on its ' tail and the coins rolled back out of its ' mouth . A really important exercise , for children with Down Syndrome , is repetition , so again we focussed on the words " in " and " out " as the coins went in the pig and then back out again . The slot where the coins went was quite narrow and at first Felix needed a little bit of help to put them in correctly . Being the stubborn little man he is , he kept trying and trying until , by the end of the session he could do it by himself . He made definite ' in ' and ' out ' sounds every now again , so we will keep repeating and repeating the words until he gets them . Later in the afternoon Felix had his , much anticipated , play date with three of his friends ( Jacob , Bailey & Ava ) . Their Mums read on my blog about Felix 's fear of other children , and offered to bring their kids around to our place for a play . They thought that maybe Felix would feel more comfortable in his own environment while he gets used to other kids being around . I 'm pleased to say , they were right . Apart from a few little ' coy ' moments , and a bit of a cry when I left the room to get someone a drink , he did really well ! I would like to say a HUGE thank you to these lovely ladies . I don 't know two of them very well at all , but they went out of their way to help out with Felix and try and make him feel comfortable and I am so grateful to them for that . I look forward to more play dates in the future with them and their gorgeous kids . Thanks girls x x x Felix woke up at 5 . 15am this morning ! Seriously ? I keep trying to explain to him that Mummy is old now and needs her sleep , but he doesn 't seem to listen . . Hahaha ! Due to his very early morning , Felix was starting to get a little bit cranky by 8am , and I was wondering if it was worth going to his Special Needs Playgroup at 9 . 30am , or not . I anticipated a serious meltdown upon arrival there because he already seemed very tired , but decided to give it a go anyway . Lucky for Felix , there was only him and another little baby there this morning . As with other social settings , Felix often finds the group a bit intimidating because there are a few kids there with quite ' large ' personalities . Some are very busy , rushing around ; and others just want to ' love ' him . Being quite protective of his personal space , he doesn 't want to be ' loved ' too much . This morning was perfect for him . He was able to wander freely , without being worried about the other children , and he was able to let his voice be heard ( very loudly ! ) It was such a beautiful day today . Felix 's teacher , Jackie , had set up some activities outside in the sunshine , which he really enjoyed . He loves being outside ( except it 's impossible to keep a sun hat on him ) . Every activity Jackie had set up outside , Felix tried . There were some tunnels , which Felix was drawn to straight away . He sat inside and peeked out at us with his cheeky grin . Then Jackie brought out a wooden plank and showed Felix how to walk along it . He stood up on it straight away and kept walking , even when it wobbled from side to side . It was really good , today , to see how well Felix is managing to walk on uneven surfaces ; the grass , the gravel and the cracks in the concrete . He seems to know when he needs to take extra care , and when he can do something easily . Jackie had frozen some small blocks of ice which she had coloured with food colouring . She sat with Felix and showed him how he could draw on the concrete with the ice , like chalk . He wasn 't so sure about the feeling of the cold ice under his hands but , after watching Jackie for a little while , he tried it a couple of times . He quite liked the green ice so even now , several hours later , he still looks like the Grinch because the green food colouring has stained his skin . I have a feeling he may stay that way for a few days because no amount of scrubbing has made it fade . Nothing like a multi - coloured two year old . Felix enjoyed some inside play as well . He enjoyed having some stories read to him and was very animated , signing the things in the picture he could see . He even taught Jackie how to sign the insect , ' cricket ' . He liked walking up and down inside the sensory box again , especially the part with the prickly rice on the bottom . A highlight of today was when Felix sat up at the table and had a snack and a drink . He has refused to eat or drink anything at Playgroup for months now , and will either shake his head , ' No ' , or throw his food on the floor . Again , I think it 's because at snack time he is surrounded by other children . Today , he happily sat up and ate his fruit bar and drank his juice . All of these things are just baby steps but to us , as Felix 's parents , they are huge breakthroughs . We will never stop celebrating every tiny milestone . Felix and I shared a beautiful morning together this morning . HeartKids and SIDS and Kids held a remembrance walk down by the beach at 7am for families who had lost a child . Some parents walked for their babies who passed away before birth , and others walked for children who had died due to serious health issues later on . Felix and I walked for Eden , our daughter and sister who sadly , was born asleep when I was 20 weeks pregnant . It was a perfect morning ( albeit very early ! ) The sky was bright blue and it already felt quite warm . Felix thought it was wonderful , being able to run around on the grass outside so early in the morning . I enjoyed watching his smile as I wondered what his big sister would think of him if she was still here . I think Felix would have had her wrapped around his little finger ! I wrote a message on a balloon for Eden , and Felix helped me carry it , along with one of her teddy bears , as we followed the other parents on a little walk through the gardens near the beach . When we returned from the walk , we all took it in turns saying the name of our child and then releasing our balloons . Felix was absolutely mesmerised by the balloons as they went up into the sky . He kept pointing and making lots of " Oooooh " sounds . It always gets me how many balloons are released at occasions like this ; each one representing a life cut short way too soon . There were lots of tears ! After the remembrance walk , Felix and I went to visit Nathan at work . We went to McDonalds on the way , to pick up coffee . I must say , McDonalds have done amazing things with their advertising because I cannot believe Felix 's instant reaction when he sees those golden arches ! ! We rarely buy anything from there , and even then Felix only has a few fries , but anyone would think we eat there every day by the way he responds . There are excited noises from the back seat as we drive in , and then lots of grumpy noises as we drive out ( with only coffee ) . I don 't know whether to think it 's funny or to be horrified ! ! Felix was very happy when we got to Daddy 's work and , as usual , he walked around like he owned the place . He had everybody stopping to say hello and he was full of smiles and cheeky faces . I love that he brings so much joy to people . I 'm sure he will still be doing the same thing when he 's forty years old . I 'm so proud of our little man ! Felix is such a funny little man . This morning we were asking him to say " Mum " and he copied us , " Mum , Mum , Mumma " . Then we asked him to say " Dad " . He signed ' Dad ' and then clicked his tongue . Every time we repeated " Dad " , he would sign it and click his tongue again . It was hilarious , like he was talking in another language . We were laughing and he was giggling along with us . In the afternoon , while I was driving in the car , I asked Felix if he could say " Dad ' . The first couple of times , he clicked his tongue but after I kept repeating it , he started to say " Dad , Dad , Dad " . Such a clever little man ! Drawing is something Felix has started to enjoy more and more . He is slowly learning not to eat the crayons or bite the end off the pencils . For his birthday , Felix was given a ' Mega Sketcher ' . It 's one of those boards that you can draw on with a plastic pencil and then erase the picture afterwards by sliding down the tab on the side . It 's a great alternative to pencils or crayons for those , like Felix , who have a penchant for chewing things . During his quiet time , Felix really enjoys drawing on there and will concentrate on it for a really long time . Every now and again , we hear the buzzing sound of him erasing his picture and starting again . Today I drew a funny picture of Nathan on there and Felix sat and ' coloured ' it in . The concentration on his face was adorable . I am really excited to have ' met ' some new Mums on Facebook , over the past week who have either just given birth , or are pregnant with a precious baby with Down Syndrome . Those who have just given birth are enjoying getting to know their new little ones , and those who are still waiting are looking forward to their new life ahead . It has been lovely to read such positive words from Mums who are brand new to our Down Syndrome family . Yes , there are some health concerns and obvious fear of the unknown , but the overriding feelings are ones of love and acceptance . I would like to congratulate all of them , and my hope for them is that those babies who are sick will recover quickly , and their little bodies will fight hard and get stronger every day . For those who are well enough to go home , that they will be content and settled . I know that every single one of these gorgeous little ones will bring overwhelming joy and happiness to their families . What a difference a week makes ! I am beyond pleased to report that I took Felix back to dance class today , armed with some new tactics , and he had a great morning ! He took his two favourite teddies this morning ( his technicoloured monkey and his ugly sock cat ) , and whenever he felt a bit insecure he was able to cuddle them for a while . If Felix was shy about doing the actions to the songs , I made the monkey or the cat do the actions which soon had him giggling and wanting to join in . I planned to sit , slightly outside of the circle of kids , this morning so Felix could observe them for a while . However , wanting us to be included , the circle kind of moved out towards us until we were a part of it ( which was really lovely ) . I was surprised that Felix wasn 't actually bothered by it at all . I could tell he felt more comfortable having his toys there , and a couple of dances today were to his favourite songs which made it even better . He was full of smiles and even did a few actions to the songs he knew . He still didn 't stand up too much and preferred to be snuggled up against me or on my lap , but it was such a huge step forward from last week so I was very happy with that . During one part of the morning , the teacher pulled out some padded mats to see if the kids wanted to try and do a somersault or a backbend . I took Felix over to the first mat , and put him in position to do a somersault and he did a beautiful one , with his head tucked under nicely . He looked quite pleased with himself after . I then took him over to the second mat to try a backbend . I wasn 't too confident that he would even lay on his back on the mat , but he did , and even let the teacher put his hands behind him and help him up into a backbend position . He 's so super flexible ; one of the unique traits of people with Down Syndrome . If it 's something he enjoys , then I think dancing or gymnastics could become a regular thing for Felix . He certainly has the agility for it . After his very busy morning at dancing , Felix was well and truly ready for his sleep . I put him to bed and he waved at me and blew kisses as he sat there , with his monkey under one arm and his sock cat under the other . A few minutes later I heard a big bang and Felix crying . Poor little guy had whacked his forehead against the side of the cot really hard . He was sobbing but , after a quick cuddle with me , he reached out to go back in his cot . He lay on his belly , with his sock cat tucked under him , still breathing heavily from crying but happy to go to sleep . He is now sporting two nice big , blue bruises on his head ; looking every bit like a typical two year old accident - prone boy ! Felix woke up with lots of energy this morning . Before we had even got out of bed , he had already dropped my deoderant into the toilet bowl , and proudly showed us how he could climb up onto our bed without help . He wolfed down an entire bowl of porridge , with soy milk and soy yoghurt , and then wanted to eat my muesli as well . He sat on our bed and did some crazy , head - banging dance moves to some music coming from the TV . He was hilarious ! I was very thankful that it was Kindergym day because he obviously needed to be busy ( and away from objects he could throw in the toilet ) . I was thankful that Nathan was able to come to Kindergym with us last week and today as well . It 's helpful for me for Nathan to see how Felix reacts , in different social settings , so he can offer his suggestions if Felix is unsettled or upset . Sometimes it 's a team effort to work out what 's best . When we first got there today , Felix seemed reasonably settled . He did his usual ' scooting backwards ' away from other kids if they came close but , even after one little boy pushed past him , he seemed to be dealing with it OK . After a few minutes , Felix wandered away from us a little bit which was great . I thought he still knew where we were sitting ( only a couple of metres behind him ) but , as kids started walking past him on all sides , I realised that he didn 't know where we were . I saw his face turn from concern to panic , when he was surrounded by other children and feeling overwhelmed . We quickly called out to him to let him know where we were and he leapt into my arms , like he did at dancing last week , and attached himself to my neck . I gave him a quick hug and then tried to get him to let go of me but , even with Nathan 's help , it was difficult and it took a lot of smiles and attempts at distraction before he would start to play again . Shortly after that , Felix had a close encounter with another little boy . I quickly put on a cheery voice and told him how nice it was that the other little boy wanted to play near him , and how clever he was jumping up and down on the mats . Nathan then rolled a ball over towards Felix and asked if he could throw it to him . Phew ! It worked , and Felix 's expression changed from worried to smiling within seconds . Nathan and I debriefed later , about the morning , and we both agreed that we are doing the best we can and , that if we keep taking Felix to things , he will eventually get used to it . It was a nice break for me today , having an extra pair of hands too . I always enjoy watching Felix and Nate play together , and it meant I didn 't have to climb up on the trampoline ! ! After his big sleep this afternoon , Felix wanted to put his Play School DVD on . When I 'm home with Felix , on my own , I rarely put the TV on . We 're usually a bit too busy doing other things , or he follows me around while I 'm doing housework . When the boys get home from school , he points to the TV , and they will put it on for him for a while . Felix can also convince Daddy to put the TV on for him too , which is exactly what he did today . He sat there glued to his favourite dinosaur episodes of Play School . It 's really cute to watch him copying the actions to the songs and , his latest thing , is to make a chomping noise with his mouth when they are talking about the dinosaurs eating leaves . All good for his speech development ! I 'm not sure why Play School is the only programme which grabs his attention . Maybe because the people on it look like they are speaking directly to him ? Whatever it is , he loves it and doesn 't like the fact that I turn it off once it 's finished . Such a mean Mum ! One thing Felix really loves is bath time . While he was sitting on the toilet this afternoon , he signed to me that he wanted a bath . Since he was quite dirty from lots of playing and eating , with a bit of sand mixed in , I thought it was probably a good suggestion . He can 't get undressed quick enough for the bath and likes to get in when the water is still running . When I turn off the taps , he likes to play in the bubbles for a while and helps me as I wash him with the wash cloth . Today he did something I thought was quite clever . He took one of his toy boats and put it next to him in the water . He then swished his hands through the water until the boat floated up to the opposite end of the bath . Once it had reached the end , he reached out and grabbed the boat and did it again . Not once did he push the boat ; he knew that if he moved his hand through the water enough , the boat would be caught in the current and would move along by itself . I love watching him as he thinks through things . It 's really quite amazing ! Today I drove to the town nearest us , which is about 40 minutes away , to get started on my Christmas shopping . I always feel a bit sorry for Felix when I have to drag him out to the shops , but he is so good . I don 't know why he enjoys being in the car , but he has never complained , even when we have to drive long distances . Today was no exception . He chattered away to himself and was happy to look out the window and take everything in . He loves being able to walk around the shops by himself a bit now , and it 's pretty cute to have him toddling behind me . The only problem is that there is a lot of stuff on shelves which are the perfect height for him , so he tends to do a little bit of unfolding and rearranging of things . Although I think it 's quite adorable , I 'm not sure that the staff at the store would agree with me . . . . . Oops ! Tonight , we went to my best friend 's house for a yummy dinner . It was a little bit later than Felix 's usual dinner time , so we took him a little picnic to eat while we were waiting for ours to be ready . He thought it was great . He had lots of delicious things on his plate , but he also got to share some of our pre - dinner nibbles as well . He enjoyed dipping his crackers into some spicy capsicum dip , and when our laksa had finished cooking he managed to eat some of that even after eating his own dinner . He seems to love things which are a little bit spicy , or have a lot of garlic and strong flavours . I don 't know if that 's because we introduced him to those foods at quite a young age , or if it 's just genetics and he 's like his Mummy and Daddy . Either way , it 's pretty cool to be able to share blue cheese and olives with a two year old ! I haven 't written about how Felix 's toilet training is going , for a while . I used to be able to ' catch him ' in time to do his number two 's on the toilet because he was so regular but , unfortunately , over the last couple of months he won 't do them on there any more . On the positive side , he is signing ' toilet ' when he wants to do a wee and when I sit him on the toilet he does a big one every time . I 'm encouraged by that because it means he is listening to his body signal when he needs to go . I also have to remind myself that he has just turned 2 years old and is doing incredibly well to be doing anything on the toilet . I 'm looking forward to the weather heating up so he can run around in little jocks instead of nappies . It will make his toilet training so much easier . I bought some awesome underwear for him from eBay . They are made of towelling and have a little bit of extra padding so if he wets himself he won 't soak through straight away ; saves me cleaning up too many puddles . Some have fire engines on the bottom and the others have a police car . So cute ! We had a lovely , lazy weekend . Felix was happy to wander around and play with his toys and read some books . Nathan and I sang a lot of songs to him and had fun signing different things . As usual , Mr . Bossy made sure that we were doing the actions to the songs correctly , and signing properly . Nathan made the mistake of only using one hand to sign something instead of the required two . Felix was very quick to rectify the problem by grabbing his other hand and moving it to the right position . Nathan couldn 't stop laughing . We were shocked , again , at Felix 's memory for signs . He was looking at a book and saw a picture of a spider and signed it straight away . I haven 't used that sign for at least 3 months ! He remembers them better than we do . Another funny thing Felix has started doing is picking up my container of moisturiser with one hand and then touching his cheeks with his finger . It 's his way of telling me he wants me to put some on his face . I open it up and put a tiny bit on each of his cheeks and rub it in ; it 's so cute . He must have seen me put it on my face so many times that he knows what to do with it . Nothing wrong with a boy taking care of his skin , but if I don 't hurry up and get his hair cut soon I 'm going to have everyone thinking he 's a girl , with his long hair . I was running my fingers through it today and I think I could quite easily get it into a little pony tail . I better book him an appointment with the hairdresser first thing in the morning . Our little man is so clever . This afternoon , we thought we would ask him to sign random words and see if he could do them without us signing them first . He is amazing ! ! I can 't believe how much he remembers ; even words we haven 't signed in weeks , he knows . We listed off heaps of words , one after the other , and he knew every single one . I thought he would get confused because of how quickly we were asking him to sign different things , but he didn 't skip a beat and did them perfectly . I am so proud of him , and it has definitely given me extra motivation to learn more and more signs . To be able to communicate with Felix means so much to me and , although I am looking forward to him speaking more verbally in future , I am enjoying learning with him at the moment . Since seeing the Speech Pathologist last , I have been trying to listen more carefully to the sounds Felix is verbalising . We have played lots of games where we put things ' in ' and ' out ' of containers and he is definitely making sounds which sound like ' in ' and ' out ' . Yesterday I was making the sound ' moo ' when we were looking at pictures of cows , and he did a really good job of repeating the sound back to me . Sometimes I can see him trying so hard to say a word . His little mouth moves around and I can see him trying to put his tongue in the correct position , but he can 't quite get it . I love his determination and I know , with time , he will be chatting away . I have a feeling I 'll probably be asking him to be quiet because he 's talking too much ! Yesterday , when the other kids were at school , Felix ' helped ' me decorate the house for Halloween . The kids have always enjoyed dressing up and going trick or treating , even though most homes in Australia don 't celebrate Halloween . I don 't need much of an excuse to decorate because I love holidays , so we decorate the house as well ( nothing like the homes in the States though ) . Since we moved here , some of the other families on the street have got into the spirit of things and send their kids trick or treating too . We always have a lot of kids come to our place because they know we have LOTS of lollies for them . I 'm looking forward to dressing Felix up this year . He had fun pulling all the decorations out of the box yesterday , and enjoyed chewing on a squishy ' zombie brain ' . He loves the cobwebs we have hung up with plastic spiders in them , and laughs when I carry him through them and they brush against his face . Holidays are always that little bit more fun with a toddler in the house . You know those days when life just seems a little bit overwhelming ? Situations arise which usually wouldn 't phase you , but they do ? Today was one of those days . Before we went to the dance class , I had to quickly stop at a shop to pick something up . Felix was Mr . Confident ! He walked around the shop in his little shoes , getting lots of smiles and comments from the other shoppers . He found a shelf with rolls of fabric on it . There was a gap under the shelf which was just the right size for him to crawl through , like a tunnel . The problem was that he crawled about two metres under it before I realised he could go that far , so I had to lay on the floor and grab his ankles to pull him out . He thought it was hilarious and crawled straight back under there again . The shop assistant , waiting for me to pay , couldn 't stop laughing at me with my butt in the air , chasing Felix under the shelf . When we got to Felix 's dance class , I was feeling confident . I put him down on the ground , just inside the door and he walked behind me for a minute . There were only a couple of other kids there with their Mums to start with so there wasn 't too much noise , but as people started to arrive I could see Felix becoming anxious . By the time everyone had arrived , Felix had attached himself to me like glue and didn 't want to budge . The class started with a couple of Felix 's favourite songs . The first one had actions which require lots of jumping and wriggling around . As long as I kept Felix facing me and with him hanging on to me , he seemed happy and was smiling . Then we sang ' twinkle , twinkle ' little star , which he loves . All of the children were sitting quietly for that one so , again , he was OK . As the morning progressed and the dancing became more active , Felix started to cling on to me tighter and tighter . By the time there was a break for a quick drink , he wouldn 't even sit on my lap ; he just had his arms around my neck and his face buried in my shoulder . I sat him on the floor while I walked a short distance away to get his drink . I turned around to see him , face down on the floor , sobbing his eyes out . He was really upset . He refused his drink and reattached himself to me as quickly as he could . From that point on , Felix was a permanent fixture around my neck . I don 't think he 's ever held on that tightly before . I kept moving to the music ( feeling like a Mother monkey with her baby hanging from her ) , but didn 't push him to participate . I hoped that if he could see me enjoying myself , and peek out every now and again to see everyone having fun , he would come around . He didn 't . He started to shake and quietly cry by the time the class finished . I had to put him down so I could put on my shoes but he lay , face down again , on the floor and cried and cried . His little body was trembling and when he looked up at me , he looked so frightened . Thus began my soul - searching . Should I have cuddled him more ? Should I have cuddled him less ? Do I keep taking him to dance classes in the hope he will get used to it ? Do I stop going so he doesn 't get too anxious ? Is this common for a child with Down Syndrome , or is it just a regular ' kid thing ' I have somehow managed to avoid with our seven other children ? After quite a few tears when I got home , I decided to call Down Syndrome SA and have a chat with the Early Intervention Coordinator there . She was wonderful and was able to point out a couple of things . Firstly , that kids with Down Syndrome are often very sensitive to noise and can find it overwhelming , especially specific pitches . Secondly , it sounds like Felix may also just have a bad case of separation anxiety , which is quite normal for kids his age . She suggested a few things to me which I will try including , taking his favourite teddy to dance classes with us ; leaving part way through the session if he gets too distressed and taking photos of the class on the ipad so we can look at them and talk about them before we go there . I was really thankful for her listening ear and am happy to take her advice on board . After feeling quite miserable for a while , I received a phone call from Jacob 's Mum asking if they could come over for a play with Felix . I agreed , but as I hung up the phone I was wondering what on earth I was thinking . The last time Felix saw Jacob , he freaked out and got really upset and he had already gone to bed unhappy . I had a feeling my day might be going to get worse . Thankfully , I was pleasantly surprised . Even though Felix 's bottom lip dropped when Jacob touched him , I stayed upbeat and told him how funny it was that Jacob had touched his hand . Slowly , but surely , Felix looked a bit more relaxed and by the time Jacob went home he had been sitting , reasonably close to him , playing with his toys . It was a tiny little thing , but seemed so huge to me today ! I 'm going to stay hopeful that , over time , Felix will be less stressed around other children . I 'm looking forward to the day when he will happily interact with other kids and be able to show everyone his hilarious personality . He brings us so much happiness and I can 't wait to see him come out of his shell and really enjoy being with his friends . We had so much fun at Kindergym this morning . Nathan was able to come with Felix and me , and I could tell that Felix was so excited to have Daddy there . There weren 't as many kids there today as they were last week , so Felix seemed a lot more relaxed and happily wandered around . He was still pretty hesitant when other children came close to him , but the other parents are starting to get to know Felix and have been so lovely , encouraging their kids to come and say hello . Felix had his eye on one little girl for quite some time ; every time she walked past him he kept looking at her and smiling . It was a bit cute . Her Mum brought her over to introduce her to Felix . He quickly jumped up on Nathan 's lap , but then looked back over his shoulder at her and had a little grin . Such a ladies man already ! Isaiah and Aaron have just had new beds delivered . They came in flat packs , complete with incorrect instructions and really terrible illustrations . I think building something from a flat pack can either make , or break , a marriage . Thankfully , I have a very patient husband and we managed to construct them without any arguments . Felix loved ' helping ' put the beds together . I was kept busy removing giant screws from his mouth . He must have thought they felt pretty good on his gums because he kept wanting to chew them all the time . Felix is going to be pretty disappointed tomorrow morning when he goes to wake the boys up . They have been sleeping on mattresses on the floor for a while now and he has been able to walk in there and jump on their beds . Their new beds are loft beds , and quite high off the ground . I wonder how long it will take Felix to work out how to climb ladders ? Tonight when I tucked Felix into bed , I couldn 't help it . I had to run and grab my camera to take a couple of photos of him . He looked so adorable in his pajamas , with his multi - coloured monkey and his ugly ' sock ' cat tucked under his arms . Why is it that kids always choose the most unusual toys to be their favourites ? Lately , every time I get my camera out , he shakes his head at me because he doesn 't want me to take any photos . Tonight he was quite happy and had his cute face on for me . I haven 't written a fact about Down Syndrome for a while . Today I will dispel a myth about people with Down Syndrome . I have heard , so many times , " They are always so happy ! " People with Down Syndrome are not always happy . They have feelings and emotions just like you and I , and can get angry , upset and frustrated just like the rest of us . Felix can sure ' crack it ' just like any other two year old if he doesn 't want to do something . At the moment , he doesn 't want to sit in his car seat straight away . He wants to climb over into the back of the station wagon , so it 's like wrestling with a wriggling eel trying to get him clipped in and safe to drive away . Sounds like any other typical kid really , doesn 't it ? Felix was so cute today . He really misses the older boys when they are at school , and will often knock on their bedroom doors to see if they are in there . Today he was knocking and knocking and , when he got no response , he pushed on one of the doors until it opened . By the time I got up the hallway to bring him back out of the room , he was already laying on Isaiah 's bed . When I told him he had to come out of the room he shook his head and lay back down on the pillow . I think he might have actually gone to sleep in there if I had left him , but I wasn 't taking any chances . The boys wouldn 't have been too happy to have their room trashed by their two year old brother . I might have been in trouble if that had happened . I took Felix over to the shops today and it was the first time I had let him walk around , wearing his little boots . I wasn 't sure how he would go with his boots on , but he did such a great job and I only had to pick him up a couple of times . He was very stable on his feet ; he 's definitely getting the hang of this walking thing . I bought him a little pair of sneakers to wear at the Buddy Walk , because I thought it would be too hot for boots . The only problem was , the sneakers didn 't support his ankles and so he struggled to walk with them on . Kids with Down Syndrome have very flexible joints and , as I 've discovered with Felix , sometimes require some extra support when walking . I might try the sneakers again when he 's been walking for a bit longer . Joshua ( 16 ) has just walked in the door after getting his haircut . His hair was extremely long and he 's just had it cut really short . Felix is looking at him very suspiciously , wondering who this person is who is talking to him . Every time Joshua gets close to him , Felix is burying his head in the floor , like he does with people he doesn 't know . It 's pretty funny to watch , although Joshua is trying really hard to convince Felix that it 's really him ! Hopefully he 'll recognise him soon ! I don 't even know where to begin . . . what an amazing day ! ! Foundation 21 , once again , put on a fantastic day for all of us who were lucky enough to go to the Buddy Walk , here in South Australia , today . The weather was perfect , there was a petting zoo and rides for the kids . There were performances by a couple of different dance groups , made up of kids of all ages , which were wonderful . There was a band , and plenty of food and drinks to be had . It really was a day of celebration ; a day when people , from all walks of life , came together to show how proud we are of those we love , who just happen to have Down Syndrome . I felt so lucky to be Felix 's Mum today . Our day started just before 5am , when that awful thing called an alarm went off . Nathan , Isaiah and I all grabbed very quick showers and somehow managed to get dressed with our eyes half shut . Felix was already stirring , so we changed him quickly and then jumped into the car and we were on our way . I must say that even McDonalds coffee tastes pretty good at 5 . 30am in the morning ! We had a really good drive down and , although we saw plenty of kangaroos hopping along the side of the road , we managed to avoid them all . We arrived in Adelaide just after 9 . 30am , with plenty of time to spare . We are so thankful to our friends and family who came to walk with us today . It really means a lot to us to know that we have the support of all of you wonderful people . Some of you , Felix already knows well and some he met for the very first time , which was fantastic . I hope you all had as much fun as we did . I want to say a big thank you to those who , because of work commitments and sickness , were unable to make it today . We know you would have been there if you could have been , and we appreciate your love and support for Felix so very much . We are planning on doing this on an annual basis , so there is always next year ! One thing I really enjoy about Buddy Walk is the feeling of belonging . It 's like a big reunion where there are Cousins and Aunties and Nephews you don 't know well , but who you know are family . We were able to catch up with people we have known for years , people we have only met since having Felix and those we met for the first time today . The other thing I love is the dancing . Kids with Down Syndrome can dance with an excitement and joy I have never seen before . Most are completely uninhibited , and dance with such freedom and passion that it makes me quite emotional to watch them . One boy was smashing out the dance moves all by himself , in front of the band , as if he was the only one there . He didn 't care who was watching ; he was just into the music and loving it ! I think we , the general population with one less chromosome , could learn a lot from observing those with Down Syndrome . I know I , for one , could learn to be a lot less self conscious and a lot less inhibited . Felix had a wonderful day . He went in the petting zoo , although it was Daddy who touched the animals because he was a bit wary of them . He put ping pong balls into the clown 's mouths very easily , without dropping any of the balls . He even went on the giant slide with Isaiah ( and had a look of sheer terror on the way down ) . He was so tired , because of our early start , that he slept for all of the actual walk , but he woke up happy and ready to entertain everyone after that . He was absolutely exhausted when we got home and was asleep as soon as I put him to bed . Our trip home was a little bit frightening . We had been following a convoy of ten Armoured Personnel Carriers on their way to the base . They were travelling very slowly so , bit by bit , we managed to overtake the first eight of them . With only two to go , I was excited because we would then be able to drive normal speed the rest of the way home . Suddenly the driver , of the one in front of us , fell asleep at the wheel and veered into oncoming traffic . I braked , because I could see it about to hit the van travelling in the opposite direction and was worried that our car was going to get caught up in the accident . I don 't know how , but the vehicles missed each other by the tiniest of margins . The driver woke up as he hit the dirt on the opposite side of the road , straightened up and drove back over to the correct side of the road , in front of us . To say that my heart was racing would be an understatement . I still can 't believe he didn 't kill anyone . Needless to say , I was very thankful to pull into our driveway tonight . It 's good to be home safe and sound ! Yesterday , Felix had one of his therapy sessions . The Speech Pathologist and the Physiotherapist came to our house to check in and see how he was going . He was a little bit shy at first , but he quickly warmed up and started showing off all his new tricks . The Speech Pathologist brought ' Mr Potato Head ' for Felix to play with , and we did lots of talking about body parts , and where to put his eyes and his arms etc . We were all really impressed with how well Felix managed to push Mr Potato Head 's arms into the correct hole , even though it was really small . At times , it took him a little while , but he persisted and was successful each time . He correctly identified the body parts when we asked him to pick up a particular one too , which was great . The Speech Pathologist was curious to know what words / sounds Felix was able to make , so she got him to play with his hammering bench , and focussed on the words ' in ' and ' out ' . Much to my surprise , Felix said ' in ' nearly every time and made a sound very much like ' out ' when he took the blocks out . After that , I blew some bubbles and we all said the word ' pop ' over and over . Felix was shown how to point his finger and pop the bubbles whenever he could . The Physio used the bubbles to try and get Felix to work on his balance . He 's fantastic at balancing when he 's walking , or looking straight ahead or side to side , but looking above his head and reaching for the bubbles was pretty hard . He tried for quite a while to pop the bubbles while he was standing . When he lost his balance , he got straight back up to try again . After a while , he realised that sitting down was much easier though , so he happily sat and giggled while he popped his bubbles . Today we took Felix for a ride on his new little tricycle , which has a parent handle so we can push him . He thinks it 's fantastic . It has a little cup holder so he can have a drink whenever he feels like it , and a toy mobile phone attached for him to play with . A lot more snazzy than anything I ever had as a kid , that 's for sure ( although my Dad did help Santa fix up a second hand bike for Christmas once and , as a result , it was the most popular bike on the street on Christmas Day ! ) . We took one of the dogs for a walk at the same time , and Felix loved being able to reach out and pat the dog while we walked along . He loves the sunshine and the trees , and was constantly pointing out different things along the way . It was quite warm today so Felix needed a hat on , which proved problematic in the wind . Nathan had to run back a couple of times to pick it up as it blew away . I think Felix was thankful it kept blowing off because he hates wearing hats , so the wind did him a favour ! Well , tomorrow is the day we have been looking forward to for a really long time ; it 's Buddy Walk Day ! We have everything ready by the front door for our 5 . 30am departure in the morning . All up tomorrow , we will do about 9 hours driving there and back , but we wouldn 't miss it for the world ! It looks like being a beautiful , warm day ; absolutely perfect for a walk . I am so excited to be part of such a wonderful community of people , all joining together out of love and support for those with Down Syndrome . Last year we enjoyed watching dance performances and singing by some of the kids , and I 'm really looking forward to that again . The crowd was really involved and the kids were all so enthusiastic ! We will be meeting up with some beautiful people who are coming into the city to walk with us and celebrate Felix 's life . We are really thankful to all of you who are coming in to be part of our special day tomorrow . Can 't wait to see you all . Every now and again , I look at Felix and I feel overwhelmed with emotion . I look at him and marvel at how incredibly gorgeous he is . Today was one of those days . I was up in my room when I saw a little shadow moving up the hallway , and knew Felix was on his way up to see me . He walked into the room and tears welled up in my eyes . I looked at his mop of sandy brown hair , all shiny from the bath he 'd just had , and that beautiful smile , so huge that those unique almond shaped eyes narrowed completely , giving them a slanted shape . Perfect ! We couldn 't have asked for a more precious little boy . How does that saying go ? ' I never knew I wanted a child with Down Syndrome until I was given one ! ' How very true . . and we wouldn 't want him any other way ! Nothing like being bossed around by a two year old who can barely even speak yet ! Felix was sitting on the bed with me this morning , playing with his ipad . I was on my laptop , trying to put off getting up for a few more minutes because it was so cold . Felix was signing different animals as he pointed to the pictures of them on his ' Sound Touch ' app . He would get my attention , sign the word and I would say things like , " Yes Felix , that 's a cat " and I would sign it back to him . When he touched the picture of a donkey and signed the word , he looked at me expectantly and waited for me to sign it back to him . I was typing at the time , so I only signed with one hand ( so the donkey only had one ear ) . Felix looked at me with his cute , little , impatient face and picked my hand up off the keyboard , and let me know that he wanted me to sign it properly . . . . . with both hands ! I dared not argue with him . I lifted both my hands above my head and signed ' donkey ' correctly . With a satisfied look on his face , Felix went back to playing his game . The same thing happened when Nathan got home from work . ' Twinkle , twinkle , little star ' was playing and Felix was enthusiastically doing the actions . He always stretches both hands so ' high above the sky ' that he could almost touch it . It 's adorable ! Problem is , we have to do the actions too ; which is fine except that he studies us to make sure we 're doing them properly . Heaven forbid if our fingers aren 't ' twinkling ' enough or if the diamond isn 't high enough ' in the sky ' . Felix will physically grab our hands and demand ( without words ) , that we do it properly . We feel like the naughty school students with a really strict teacher . He 's such a funny little man ! Much to our older boy 's horror , I have been dancing around the house to the song ' Gangnam Style ' . There is a lot of eye - rolling every time I 'm singing it too , which makes me want to do it even more ( Hahaha . . sorry boys ! ) Secretly , I 've been teaching Felix how to do the dance and today , in the car , on the way to school he gave his debut performance . The boys thought it was hilarious ; there was Felix , sitting in his car seat , doing the hand movements and saying " Oo , Oo , Oo , Oo . " I think they forgave me for doing it so much when they saw how cute he looked . We laughed all the way to school . Felix didn 't have a sleep during the day today . He was still in his cot ' chatting ' away an hour after I 'd put him to bed , so I got him up again . I took the opportunity to rearrange his bedroom and give it a good clean . I put some brand new bedding in his cot and decorated the room so it looked completely different by the time I had finished . When I brought Felix into the room later he didn 't know where to look first . He pointed at everything that was new , or was in a different place . He wanted to get into his cot ( which I 'd moved ) and look at the cars and trains on his sheets and quilt cover . I was really impressed with how much he noticed . He was quite excited to get into bed tonight . Felix and I went to Kindergym this morning . I was really excited to take my little walking man and see all the new things he could do . He was a little apprehensive at first , because of the other kids , but once he got used to the noise and busyness he was fine . His climbing skills and his confidence have come on in leaps and bounds since last term . He was even able to walk up some of the soft ramps and , being the daredevil he is , walked across platforms which were about a metre off the ground . I stayed close by ' just in case ' , but he seemed to be very aware of where the edges were and was quite cautious . A couple of times when he couldn 't quite reach to climb up onto something , he looked at me and signed " Help " . I gave him a little bit of a push and he was able to scramble the rest of the way up by himself . As you know , Felix loves music and singing . Today was no different . When we had song time at Kindergym , he was so excited . He shook the little bells he got out of the instrument box , and bounced himself up and down to the songs . His eyes were big and wide and he loved watching the other kids jumping and singing . He was disappointed when the songs finished and signed " again " . He hates it when it 's time to finish , but was ready for a big drink and something to eat , so he didn 't complain too much this time . At Kindergym this morning it was interesting to observe different parent 's reactions to Felix . When I 'm at home with Felix I forget that he has Down Syndrome . To me , he 's just Felix ; our busy little two year old who is into everything . When I go into a situation where there are people who don 't know Felix , I am reminded very quickly that he does indeed have Down Syndrome , because of people 's responses to him . I have found that people react in one of two ways . The first group of people are drawn to Felix ; they engage me in conversation , and talk to him . Some give me a smile from across the room , or make sure their kids are gentle when they play with Felix ( sensing that he gets a bit frightened ) . The second group of people are evasive . They avoid eye contact with me and they quickly redirect their kids in a different direction if they start moving towards Felix . I was speaking to our oldest boys about my observations from today and , as always , they had some very interesting input . Like me , they agreed that to us Felix is just Felix . However , they did point out that sometimes when they notice someone who is different , they face a bit of a conundrum themselves . Do you make eye contact and smile ? Do you go over and speak to them ? Do you walk straight past them like you would any other person ? The boys pointed out to me that some people probably do feel uncomfortable when faced with Felix , because they are unsure of how to respond . It doesn 't mean they think he 's awful , but they may actually be worried about upsetting me , as his Mum , if they respond the ' wrong way ' , so they avoid it altogether . I know I have had some people apologise for asking me questions about Down Syndrome because they thought they may have upset me ( they didn 't ; I love questions ) . Some eye opening thoughts from our boys tonight , I think . Felix had a lot of fun this afternoon . When Nathan got home from work , he made him a ' cup of tea ' with his tea set , and fed him some of the fruit from his toy fruit basket . They read some stories together and had a big play . When Felix was sitting on Nathan 's knee , listening to a story , he kept looking over at me and signing , " Daddy " ( with a grin from ear to ear ) and then leaning his face up and staring at his Daddy , as proud as punch . He loves having Daddy time , and it 's pretty precious to watch ! Tonight we had all six of our sons here for dinner ( a pretty rare occurrence these days ) . Felix loved having all the boys around and wasn 't quite sure who he wanted to ' talk ' to first ; there were so many choices . He wasn 't sure about Daniel 's new beard but , by the time he had to say goodnight , he was happy to stroke his face . I think he 'd finally worked out who he was . Lucky for Felix , he got to go to bed at 7pm while the rest of us had to sit and endure the movie , Rocky 3 , thanks to Nathan . He has told the kids that their childhood will be incomplete without watching a list of movies he has written down . The kids all groan initially , but I can tell they love it that we 're doing something funny together . I wonder what the next torturous movie will be . . . Hahahaha ! I 'm a proud Mum to 8 amazing children . My youngest son , Felix , has Down syndrome . I am passionate about raising awareness and increasing acceptance of people with Down syndrome . I feel privileged to have Felix in my life and have learned , and are continuing to learn , so much from this incredible little person . |
Felix has had a busy day today . After we took the boys to school , this morning , he and I sat outside and played in the sandpit for a while . It was already beautiful and sunny , so it was a great chance to spend some time outside before the day got too hot . He really loves being out there , on the front porch , playing in the sand and watching the neighbour 's big tree in their yard ; he 's fascinated with it . Every now and again he will stop playing and sign ' bird ' when he hears them in the tree . He also likes to watch the cars drive up and down the street , and has a particular interest in the motorbikes . We have quite a few of them on our street so he 's never disappointed . While Felix was playing in the sand , his Speech Pathologist arrived . We packed up quickly and went inside to start his session with her . She asked Felix if he would like to look at the book she held out in her hand , or play with the bubbles she had in the other one . Felix chose the book first , but after a few pages he looked at the bubbles and made some excited " Oooooh " sounds . I think he remembered playing with them last time . I started blowing some bubbles and he started laughing and smiling . Straight away he pointed his finger and popped them as they moved towards him . We focussed on the word " Pop " again as he popped the bubbles . We both noticed that Felix has different verbal sounds when he is doing different activities . They are not words , as such , but they vary depending on what he is doing . It 's a really good sign that his speech is developing . The Speech Pathologist brought a new toy with her today . It is a big , pink piggy bank which she showed Felix how to put chunky , plastic coins into . Once all the coins were inside the pig , Felix had to pull down on its ' tail and the coins rolled back out of its ' mouth . A really important exercise , for children with Down Syndrome , is repetition , so again we focussed on the words " in " and " out " as the coins went in the pig and then back out again . The slot where the coins went was quite narrow and at first Felix needed a little bit of help to put them in correctly . Being the stubborn little man he is , he kept trying and trying until , by the end of the session he could do it by himself . He made definite ' in ' and ' out ' sounds every now again , so we will keep repeating and repeating the words until he gets them . Later in the afternoon Felix had his , much anticipated , play date with three of his friends ( Jacob , Bailey & Ava ) . Their Mums read on my blog about Felix 's fear of other children , and offered to bring their kids around to our place for a play . They thought that maybe Felix would feel more comfortable in his own environment while he gets used to other kids being around . I 'm pleased to say , they were right . Apart from a few little ' coy ' moments , and a bit of a cry when I left the room to get someone a drink , he did really well ! I would like to say a HUGE thank you to these lovely ladies . I don 't know two of them very well at all , but they went out of their way to help out with Felix and try and make him feel comfortable and I am so grateful to them for that . I look forward to more play dates in the future with them and their gorgeous kids . Thanks girls x x x Felix woke up at 5 . 15am this morning ! Seriously ? I keep trying to explain to him that Mummy is old now and needs her sleep , but he doesn 't seem to listen . . Hahaha ! Due to his very early morning , Felix was starting to get a little bit cranky by 8am , and I was wondering if it was worth going to his Special Needs Playgroup at 9 . 30am , or not . I anticipated a serious meltdown upon arrival there because he already seemed very tired , but decided to give it a go anyway . Lucky for Felix , there was only him and another little baby there this morning . As with other social settings , Felix often finds the group a bit intimidating because there are a few kids there with quite ' large ' personalities . Some are very busy , rushing around ; and others just want to ' love ' him . Being quite protective of his personal space , he doesn 't want to be ' loved ' too much . This morning was perfect for him . He was able to wander freely , without being worried about the other children , and he was able to let his voice be heard ( very loudly ! ) It was such a beautiful day today . Felix 's teacher , Jackie , had set up some activities outside in the sunshine , which he really enjoyed . He loves being outside ( except it 's impossible to keep a sun hat on him ) . Every activity Jackie had set up outside , Felix tried . There were some tunnels , which Felix was drawn to straight away . He sat inside and peeked out at us with his cheeky grin . Then Jackie brought out a wooden plank and showed Felix how to walk along it . He stood up on it straight away and kept walking , even when it wobbled from side to side . It was really good , today , to see how well Felix is managing to walk on uneven surfaces ; the grass , the gravel and the cracks in the concrete . He seems to know when he needs to take extra care , and when he can do something easily . Jackie had frozen some small blocks of ice which she had coloured with food colouring . She sat with Felix and showed him how he could draw on the concrete with the ice , like chalk . He wasn 't so sure about the feeling of the cold ice under his hands but , after watching Jackie for a little while , he tried it a couple of times . He quite liked the green ice so even now , several hours later , he still looks like the Grinch because the green food colouring has stained his skin . I have a feeling he may stay that way for a few days because no amount of scrubbing has made it fade . Nothing like a multi - coloured two year old . Felix enjoyed some inside play as well . He enjoyed having some stories read to him and was very animated , signing the things in the picture he could see . He even taught Jackie how to sign the insect , ' cricket ' . He liked walking up and down inside the sensory box again , especially the part with the prickly rice on the bottom . A highlight of today was when Felix sat up at the table and had a snack and a drink . He has refused to eat or drink anything at Playgroup for months now , and will either shake his head , ' No ' , or throw his food on the floor . Again , I think it 's because at snack time he is surrounded by other children . Today , he happily sat up and ate his fruit bar and drank his juice . All of these things are just baby steps but to us , as Felix 's parents , they are huge breakthroughs . We will never stop celebrating every tiny milestone . Felix and I shared a beautiful morning together this morning . HeartKids and SIDS and Kids held a remembrance walk down by the beach at 7am for families who had lost a child . Some parents walked for their babies who passed away before birth , and others walked for children who had died due to serious health issues later on . Felix and I walked for Eden , our daughter and sister who sadly , was born asleep when I was 20 weeks pregnant . It was a perfect morning ( albeit very early ! ) The sky was bright blue and it already felt quite warm . Felix thought it was wonderful , being able to run around on the grass outside so early in the morning . I enjoyed watching his smile as I wondered what his big sister would think of him if she was still here . I think Felix would have had her wrapped around his little finger ! I wrote a message on a balloon for Eden , and Felix helped me carry it , along with one of her teddy bears , as we followed the other parents on a little walk through the gardens near the beach . When we returned from the walk , we all took it in turns saying the name of our child and then releasing our balloons . Felix was absolutely mesmerised by the balloons as they went up into the sky . He kept pointing and making lots of " Oooooh " sounds . It always gets me how many balloons are released at occasions like this ; each one representing a life cut short way too soon . There were lots of tears ! After the remembrance walk , Felix and I went to visit Nathan at work . We went to McDonalds on the way , to pick up coffee . I must say , McDonalds have done amazing things with their advertising because I cannot believe Felix 's instant reaction when he sees those golden arches ! ! We rarely buy anything from there , and even then Felix only has a few fries , but anyone would think we eat there every day by the way he responds . There are excited noises from the back seat as we drive in , and then lots of grumpy noises as we drive out ( with only coffee ) . I don 't know whether to think it 's funny or to be horrified ! ! Felix was very happy when we got to Daddy 's work and , as usual , he walked around like he owned the place . He had everybody stopping to say hello and he was full of smiles and cheeky faces . I love that he brings so much joy to people . I 'm sure he will still be doing the same thing when he 's forty years old . I 'm so proud of our little man ! Felix is such a funny little man . This morning we were asking him to say " Mum " and he copied us , " Mum , Mum , Mumma " . Then we asked him to say " Dad " . He signed ' Dad ' and then clicked his tongue . Every time we repeated " Dad " , he would sign it and click his tongue again . It was hilarious , like he was talking in another language . We were laughing and he was giggling along with us . In the afternoon , while I was driving in the car , I asked Felix if he could say " Dad ' . The first couple of times , he clicked his tongue but after I kept repeating it , he started to say " Dad , Dad , Dad " . Such a clever little man ! Drawing is something Felix has started to enjoy more and more . He is slowly learning not to eat the crayons or bite the end off the pencils . For his birthday , Felix was given a ' Mega Sketcher ' . It 's one of those boards that you can draw on with a plastic pencil and then erase the picture afterwards by sliding down the tab on the side . It 's a great alternative to pencils or crayons for those , like Felix , who have a penchant for chewing things . During his quiet time , Felix really enjoys drawing on there and will concentrate on it for a really long time . Every now and again , we hear the buzzing sound of him erasing his picture and starting again . Today I drew a funny picture of Nathan on there and Felix sat and ' coloured ' it in . The concentration on his face was adorable . I am really excited to have ' met ' some new Mums on Facebook , over the past week who have either just given birth , or are pregnant with a precious baby with Down Syndrome . Those who have just given birth are enjoying getting to know their new little ones , and those who are still waiting are looking forward to their new life ahead . It has been lovely to read such positive words from Mums who are brand new to our Down Syndrome family . Yes , there are some health concerns and obvious fear of the unknown , but the overriding feelings are ones of love and acceptance . I would like to congratulate all of them , and my hope for them is that those babies who are sick will recover quickly , and their little bodies will fight hard and get stronger every day . For those who are well enough to go home , that they will be content and settled . I know that every single one of these gorgeous little ones will bring overwhelming joy and happiness to their families . What a difference a week makes ! I am beyond pleased to report that I took Felix back to dance class today , armed with some new tactics , and he had a great morning ! He took his two favourite teddies this morning ( his technicoloured monkey and his ugly sock cat ) , and whenever he felt a bit insecure he was able to cuddle them for a while . If Felix was shy about doing the actions to the songs , I made the monkey or the cat do the actions which soon had him giggling and wanting to join in . I planned to sit , slightly outside of the circle of kids , this morning so Felix could observe them for a while . However , wanting us to be included , the circle kind of moved out towards us until we were a part of it ( which was really lovely ) . I was surprised that Felix wasn 't actually bothered by it at all . I could tell he felt more comfortable having his toys there , and a couple of dances today were to his favourite songs which made it even better . He was full of smiles and even did a few actions to the songs he knew . He still didn 't stand up too much and preferred to be snuggled up against me or on my lap , but it was such a huge step forward from last week so I was very happy with that . During one part of the morning , the teacher pulled out some padded mats to see if the kids wanted to try and do a somersault or a backbend . I took Felix over to the first mat , and put him in position to do a somersault and he did a beautiful one , with his head tucked under nicely . He looked quite pleased with himself after . I then took him over to the second mat to try a backbend . I wasn 't too confident that he would even lay on his back on the mat , but he did , and even let the teacher put his hands behind him and help him up into a backbend position . He 's so super flexible ; one of the unique traits of people with Down Syndrome . If it 's something he enjoys , then I think dancing or gymnastics could become a regular thing for Felix . He certainly has the agility for it . After his very busy morning at dancing , Felix was well and truly ready for his sleep . I put him to bed and he waved at me and blew kisses as he sat there , with his monkey under one arm and his sock cat under the other . A few minutes later I heard a big bang and Felix crying . Poor little guy had whacked his forehead against the side of the cot really hard . He was sobbing but , after a quick cuddle with me , he reached out to go back in his cot . He lay on his belly , with his sock cat tucked under him , still breathing heavily from crying but happy to go to sleep . He is now sporting two nice big , blue bruises on his head ; looking every bit like a typical two year old accident - prone boy ! Felix woke up with lots of energy this morning . Before we had even got out of bed , he had already dropped my deoderant into the toilet bowl , and proudly showed us how he could climb up onto our bed without help . He wolfed down an entire bowl of porridge , with soy milk and soy yoghurt , and then wanted to eat my muesli as well . He sat on our bed and did some crazy , head - banging dance moves to some music coming from the TV . He was hilarious ! I was very thankful that it was Kindergym day because he obviously needed to be busy ( and away from objects he could throw in the toilet ) . I was thankful that Nathan was able to come to Kindergym with us last week and today as well . It 's helpful for me for Nathan to see how Felix reacts , in different social settings , so he can offer his suggestions if Felix is unsettled or upset . Sometimes it 's a team effort to work out what 's best . When we first got there today , Felix seemed reasonably settled . He did his usual ' scooting backwards ' away from other kids if they came close but , even after one little boy pushed past him , he seemed to be dealing with it OK . After a few minutes , Felix wandered away from us a little bit which was great . I thought he still knew where we were sitting ( only a couple of metres behind him ) but , as kids started walking past him on all sides , I realised that he didn 't know where we were . I saw his face turn from concern to panic , when he was surrounded by other children and feeling overwhelmed . We quickly called out to him to let him know where we were and he leapt into my arms , like he did at dancing last week , and attached himself to my neck . I gave him a quick hug and then tried to get him to let go of me but , even with Nathan 's help , it was difficult and it took a lot of smiles and attempts at distraction before he would start to play again . Shortly after that , Felix had a close encounter with another little boy . I quickly put on a cheery voice and told him how nice it was that the other little boy wanted to play near him , and how clever he was jumping up and down on the mats . Nathan then rolled a ball over towards Felix and asked if he could throw it to him . Phew ! It worked , and Felix 's expression changed from worried to smiling within seconds . Nathan and I debriefed later , about the morning , and we both agreed that we are doing the best we can and , that if we keep taking Felix to things , he will eventually get used to it . It was a nice break for me today , having an extra pair of hands too . I always enjoy watching Felix and Nate play together , and it meant I didn 't have to climb up on the trampoline ! ! After his big sleep this afternoon , Felix wanted to put his Play School DVD on . When I 'm home with Felix , on my own , I rarely put the TV on . We 're usually a bit too busy doing other things , or he follows me around while I 'm doing housework . When the boys get home from school , he points to the TV , and they will put it on for him for a while . Felix can also convince Daddy to put the TV on for him too , which is exactly what he did today . He sat there glued to his favourite dinosaur episodes of Play School . It 's really cute to watch him copying the actions to the songs and , his latest thing , is to make a chomping noise with his mouth when they are talking about the dinosaurs eating leaves . All good for his speech development ! I 'm not sure why Play School is the only programme which grabs his attention . Maybe because the people on it look like they are speaking directly to him ? Whatever it is , he loves it and doesn 't like the fact that I turn it off once it 's finished . Such a mean Mum ! One thing Felix really loves is bath time . While he was sitting on the toilet this afternoon , he signed to me that he wanted a bath . Since he was quite dirty from lots of playing and eating , with a bit of sand mixed in , I thought it was probably a good suggestion . He can 't get undressed quick enough for the bath and likes to get in when the water is still running . When I turn off the taps , he likes to play in the bubbles for a while and helps me as I wash him with the wash cloth . Today he did something I thought was quite clever . He took one of his toy boats and put it next to him in the water . He then swished his hands through the water until the boat floated up to the opposite end of the bath . Once it had reached the end , he reached out and grabbed the boat and did it again . Not once did he push the boat ; he knew that if he moved his hand through the water enough , the boat would be caught in the current and would move along by itself . I love watching him as he thinks through things . It 's really quite amazing ! Today I drove to the town nearest us , which is about 40 minutes away , to get started on my Christmas shopping . I always feel a bit sorry for Felix when I have to drag him out to the shops , but he is so good . I don 't know why he enjoys being in the car , but he has never complained , even when we have to drive long distances . Today was no exception . He chattered away to himself and was happy to look out the window and take everything in . He loves being able to walk around the shops by himself a bit now , and it 's pretty cute to have him toddling behind me . The only problem is that there is a lot of stuff on shelves which are the perfect height for him , so he tends to do a little bit of unfolding and rearranging of things . Although I think it 's quite adorable , I 'm not sure that the staff at the store would agree with me . . . . . Oops ! Tonight , we went to my best friend 's house for a yummy dinner . It was a little bit later than Felix 's usual dinner time , so we took him a little picnic to eat while we were waiting for ours to be ready . He thought it was great . He had lots of delicious things on his plate , but he also got to share some of our pre - dinner nibbles as well . He enjoyed dipping his crackers into some spicy capsicum dip , and when our laksa had finished cooking he managed to eat some of that even after eating his own dinner . He seems to love things which are a little bit spicy , or have a lot of garlic and strong flavours . I don 't know if that 's because we introduced him to those foods at quite a young age , or if it 's just genetics and he 's like his Mummy and Daddy . Either way , it 's pretty cool to be able to share blue cheese and olives with a two year old ! I haven 't written about how Felix 's toilet training is going , for a while . I used to be able to ' catch him ' in time to do his number two 's on the toilet because he was so regular but , unfortunately , over the last couple of months he won 't do them on there any more . On the positive side , he is signing ' toilet ' when he wants to do a wee and when I sit him on the toilet he does a big one every time . I 'm encouraged by that because it means he is listening to his body signal when he needs to go . I also have to remind myself that he has just turned 2 years old and is doing incredibly well to be doing anything on the toilet . I 'm looking forward to the weather heating up so he can run around in little jocks instead of nappies . It will make his toilet training so much easier . I bought some awesome underwear for him from eBay . They are made of towelling and have a little bit of extra padding so if he wets himself he won 't soak through straight away ; saves me cleaning up too many puddles . Some have fire engines on the bottom and the others have a police car . So cute ! We had a lovely , lazy weekend . Felix was happy to wander around and play with his toys and read some books . Nathan and I sang a lot of songs to him and had fun signing different things . As usual , Mr . Bossy made sure that we were doing the actions to the songs correctly , and signing properly . Nathan made the mistake of only using one hand to sign something instead of the required two . Felix was very quick to rectify the problem by grabbing his other hand and moving it to the right position . Nathan couldn 't stop laughing . We were shocked , again , at Felix 's memory for signs . He was looking at a book and saw a picture of a spider and signed it straight away . I haven 't used that sign for at least 3 months ! He remembers them better than we do . Another funny thing Felix has started doing is picking up my container of moisturiser with one hand and then touching his cheeks with his finger . It 's his way of telling me he wants me to put some on his face . I open it up and put a tiny bit on each of his cheeks and rub it in ; it 's so cute . He must have seen me put it on my face so many times that he knows what to do with it . Nothing wrong with a boy taking care of his skin , but if I don 't hurry up and get his hair cut soon I 'm going to have everyone thinking he 's a girl , with his long hair . I was running my fingers through it today and I think I could quite easily get it into a little pony tail . I better book him an appointment with the hairdresser first thing in the morning . Our little man is so clever . This afternoon , we thought we would ask him to sign random words and see if he could do them without us signing them first . He is amazing ! ! I can 't believe how much he remembers ; even words we haven 't signed in weeks , he knows . We listed off heaps of words , one after the other , and he knew every single one . I thought he would get confused because of how quickly we were asking him to sign different things , but he didn 't skip a beat and did them perfectly . I am so proud of him , and it has definitely given me extra motivation to learn more and more signs . To be able to communicate with Felix means so much to me and , although I am looking forward to him speaking more verbally in future , I am enjoying learning with him at the moment . Since seeing the Speech Pathologist last , I have been trying to listen more carefully to the sounds Felix is verbalising . We have played lots of games where we put things ' in ' and ' out ' of containers and he is definitely making sounds which sound like ' in ' and ' out ' . Yesterday I was making the sound ' moo ' when we were looking at pictures of cows , and he did a really good job of repeating the sound back to me . Sometimes I can see him trying so hard to say a word . His little mouth moves around and I can see him trying to put his tongue in the correct position , but he can 't quite get it . I love his determination and I know , with time , he will be chatting away . I have a feeling I 'll probably be asking him to be quiet because he 's talking too much ! Yesterday , when the other kids were at school , Felix ' helped ' me decorate the house for Halloween . The kids have always enjoyed dressing up and going trick or treating , even though most homes in Australia don 't celebrate Halloween . I don 't need much of an excuse to decorate because I love holidays , so we decorate the house as well ( nothing like the homes in the States though ) . Since we moved here , some of the other families on the street have got into the spirit of things and send their kids trick or treating too . We always have a lot of kids come to our place because they know we have LOTS of lollies for them . I 'm looking forward to dressing Felix up this year . He had fun pulling all the decorations out of the box yesterday , and enjoyed chewing on a squishy ' zombie brain ' . He loves the cobwebs we have hung up with plastic spiders in them , and laughs when I carry him through them and they brush against his face . Holidays are always that little bit more fun with a toddler in the house . You know those days when life just seems a little bit overwhelming ? Situations arise which usually wouldn 't phase you , but they do ? Today was one of those days . Before we went to the dance class , I had to quickly stop at a shop to pick something up . Felix was Mr . Confident ! He walked around the shop in his little shoes , getting lots of smiles and comments from the other shoppers . He found a shelf with rolls of fabric on it . There was a gap under the shelf which was just the right size for him to crawl through , like a tunnel . The problem was that he crawled about two metres under it before I realised he could go that far , so I had to lay on the floor and grab his ankles to pull him out . He thought it was hilarious and crawled straight back under there again . The shop assistant , waiting for me to pay , couldn 't stop laughing at me with my butt in the air , chasing Felix under the shelf . When we got to Felix 's dance class , I was feeling confident . I put him down on the ground , just inside the door and he walked behind me for a minute . There were only a couple of other kids there with their Mums to start with so there wasn 't too much noise , but as people started to arrive I could see Felix becoming anxious . By the time everyone had arrived , Felix had attached himself to me like glue and didn 't want to budge . The class started with a couple of Felix 's favourite songs . The first one had actions which require lots of jumping and wriggling around . As long as I kept Felix facing me and with him hanging on to me , he seemed happy and was smiling . Then we sang ' twinkle , twinkle ' little star , which he loves . All of the children were sitting quietly for that one so , again , he was OK . As the morning progressed and the dancing became more active , Felix started to cling on to me tighter and tighter . By the time there was a break for a quick drink , he wouldn 't even sit on my lap ; he just had his arms around my neck and his face buried in my shoulder . I sat him on the floor while I walked a short distance away to get his drink . I turned around to see him , face down on the floor , sobbing his eyes out . He was really upset . He refused his drink and reattached himself to me as quickly as he could . From that point on , Felix was a permanent fixture around my neck . I don 't think he 's ever held on that tightly before . I kept moving to the music ( feeling like a Mother monkey with her baby hanging from her ) , but didn 't push him to participate . I hoped that if he could see me enjoying myself , and peek out every now and again to see everyone having fun , he would come around . He didn 't . He started to shake and quietly cry by the time the class finished . I had to put him down so I could put on my shoes but he lay , face down again , on the floor and cried and cried . His little body was trembling and when he looked up at me , he looked so frightened . Thus began my soul - searching . Should I have cuddled him more ? Should I have cuddled him less ? Do I keep taking him to dance classes in the hope he will get used to it ? Do I stop going so he doesn 't get too anxious ? Is this common for a child with Down Syndrome , or is it just a regular ' kid thing ' I have somehow managed to avoid with our seven other children ? After quite a few tears when I got home , I decided to call Down Syndrome SA and have a chat with the Early Intervention Coordinator there . She was wonderful and was able to point out a couple of things . Firstly , that kids with Down Syndrome are often very sensitive to noise and can find it overwhelming , especially specific pitches . Secondly , it sounds like Felix may also just have a bad case of separation anxiety , which is quite normal for kids his age . She suggested a few things to me which I will try including , taking his favourite teddy to dance classes with us ; leaving part way through the session if he gets too distressed and taking photos of the class on the ipad so we can look at them and talk about them before we go there . I was really thankful for her listening ear and am happy to take her advice on board . After feeling quite miserable for a while , I received a phone call from Jacob 's Mum asking if they could come over for a play with Felix . I agreed , but as I hung up the phone I was wondering what on earth I was thinking . The last time Felix saw Jacob , he freaked out and got really upset and he had already gone to bed unhappy . I had a feeling my day might be going to get worse . Thankfully , I was pleasantly surprised . Even though Felix 's bottom lip dropped when Jacob touched him , I stayed upbeat and told him how funny it was that Jacob had touched his hand . Slowly , but surely , Felix looked a bit more relaxed and by the time Jacob went home he had been sitting , reasonably close to him , playing with his toys . It was a tiny little thing , but seemed so huge to me today ! I 'm going to stay hopeful that , over time , Felix will be less stressed around other children . I 'm looking forward to the day when he will happily interact with other kids and be able to show everyone his hilarious personality . He brings us so much happiness and I can 't wait to see him come out of his shell and really enjoy being with his friends . We had so much fun at Kindergym this morning . Nathan was able to come with Felix and me , and I could tell that Felix was so excited to have Daddy there . There weren 't as many kids there today as they were last week , so Felix seemed a lot more relaxed and happily wandered around . He was still pretty hesitant when other children came close to him , but the other parents are starting to get to know Felix and have been so lovely , encouraging their kids to come and say hello . Felix had his eye on one little girl for quite some time ; every time she walked past him he kept looking at her and smiling . It was a bit cute . Her Mum brought her over to introduce her to Felix . He quickly jumped up on Nathan 's lap , but then looked back over his shoulder at her and had a little grin . Such a ladies man already ! Isaiah and Aaron have just had new beds delivered . They came in flat packs , complete with incorrect instructions and really terrible illustrations . I think building something from a flat pack can either make , or break , a marriage . Thankfully , I have a very patient husband and we managed to construct them without any arguments . Felix loved ' helping ' put the beds together . I was kept busy removing giant screws from his mouth . He must have thought they felt pretty good on his gums because he kept wanting to chew them all the time . Felix is going to be pretty disappointed tomorrow morning when he goes to wake the boys up . They have been sleeping on mattresses on the floor for a while now and he has been able to walk in there and jump on their beds . Their new beds are loft beds , and quite high off the ground . I wonder how long it will take Felix to work out how to climb ladders ? Tonight when I tucked Felix into bed , I couldn 't help it . I had to run and grab my camera to take a couple of photos of him . He looked so adorable in his pajamas , with his multi - coloured monkey and his ugly ' sock ' cat tucked under his arms . Why is it that kids always choose the most unusual toys to be their favourites ? Lately , every time I get my camera out , he shakes his head at me because he doesn 't want me to take any photos . Tonight he was quite happy and had his cute face on for me . I haven 't written a fact about Down Syndrome for a while . Today I will dispel a myth about people with Down Syndrome . I have heard , so many times , " They are always so happy ! " People with Down Syndrome are not always happy . They have feelings and emotions just like you and I , and can get angry , upset and frustrated just like the rest of us . Felix can sure ' crack it ' just like any other two year old if he doesn 't want to do something . At the moment , he doesn 't want to sit in his car seat straight away . He wants to climb over into the back of the station wagon , so it 's like wrestling with a wriggling eel trying to get him clipped in and safe to drive away . Sounds like any other typical kid really , doesn 't it ? Felix was so cute today . He really misses the older boys when they are at school , and will often knock on their bedroom doors to see if they are in there . Today he was knocking and knocking and , when he got no response , he pushed on one of the doors until it opened . By the time I got up the hallway to bring him back out of the room , he was already laying on Isaiah 's bed . When I told him he had to come out of the room he shook his head and lay back down on the pillow . I think he might have actually gone to sleep in there if I had left him , but I wasn 't taking any chances . The boys wouldn 't have been too happy to have their room trashed by their two year old brother . I might have been in trouble if that had happened . I took Felix over to the shops today and it was the first time I had let him walk around , wearing his little boots . I wasn 't sure how he would go with his boots on , but he did such a great job and I only had to pick him up a couple of times . He was very stable on his feet ; he 's definitely getting the hang of this walking thing . I bought him a little pair of sneakers to wear at the Buddy Walk , because I thought it would be too hot for boots . The only problem was , the sneakers didn 't support his ankles and so he struggled to walk with them on . Kids with Down Syndrome have very flexible joints and , as I 've discovered with Felix , sometimes require some extra support when walking . I might try the sneakers again when he 's been walking for a bit longer . Joshua ( 16 ) has just walked in the door after getting his haircut . His hair was extremely long and he 's just had it cut really short . Felix is looking at him very suspiciously , wondering who this person is who is talking to him . Every time Joshua gets close to him , Felix is burying his head in the floor , like he does with people he doesn 't know . It 's pretty funny to watch , although Joshua is trying really hard to convince Felix that it 's really him ! Hopefully he 'll recognise him soon ! I don 't even know where to begin . . . what an amazing day ! ! Foundation 21 , once again , put on a fantastic day for all of us who were lucky enough to go to the Buddy Walk , here in South Australia , today . The weather was perfect , there was a petting zoo and rides for the kids . There were performances by a couple of different dance groups , made up of kids of all ages , which were wonderful . There was a band , and plenty of food and drinks to be had . It really was a day of celebration ; a day when people , from all walks of life , came together to show how proud we are of those we love , who just happen to have Down Syndrome . I felt so lucky to be Felix 's Mum today . Our day started just before 5am , when that awful thing called an alarm went off . Nathan , Isaiah and I all grabbed very quick showers and somehow managed to get dressed with our eyes half shut . Felix was already stirring , so we changed him quickly and then jumped into the car and we were on our way . I must say that even McDonalds coffee tastes pretty good at 5 . 30am in the morning ! We had a really good drive down and , although we saw plenty of kangaroos hopping along the side of the road , we managed to avoid them all . We arrived in Adelaide just after 9 . 30am , with plenty of time to spare . We are so thankful to our friends and family who came to walk with us today . It really means a lot to us to know that we have the support of all of you wonderful people . Some of you , Felix already knows well and some he met for the very first time , which was fantastic . I hope you all had as much fun as we did . I want to say a big thank you to those who , because of work commitments and sickness , were unable to make it today . We know you would have been there if you could have been , and we appreciate your love and support for Felix so very much . We are planning on doing this on an annual basis , so there is always next year ! One thing I really enjoy about Buddy Walk is the feeling of belonging . It 's like a big reunion where there are Cousins and Aunties and Nephews you don 't know well , but who you know are family . We were able to catch up with people we have known for years , people we have only met since having Felix and those we met for the first time today . The other thing I love is the dancing . Kids with Down Syndrome can dance with an excitement and joy I have never seen before . Most are completely uninhibited , and dance with such freedom and passion that it makes me quite emotional to watch them . One boy was smashing out the dance moves all by himself , in front of the band , as if he was the only one there . He didn 't care who was watching ; he was just into the music and loving it ! I think we , the general population with one less chromosome , could learn a lot from observing those with Down Syndrome . I know I , for one , could learn to be a lot less self conscious and a lot less inhibited . Felix had a wonderful day . He went in the petting zoo , although it was Daddy who touched the animals because he was a bit wary of them . He put ping pong balls into the clown 's mouths very easily , without dropping any of the balls . He even went on the giant slide with Isaiah ( and had a look of sheer terror on the way down ) . He was so tired , because of our early start , that he slept for all of the actual walk , but he woke up happy and ready to entertain everyone after that . He was absolutely exhausted when we got home and was asleep as soon as I put him to bed . Our trip home was a little bit frightening . We had been following a convoy of ten Armoured Personnel Carriers on their way to the base . They were travelling very slowly so , bit by bit , we managed to overtake the first eight of them . With only two to go , I was excited because we would then be able to drive normal speed the rest of the way home . Suddenly the driver , of the one in front of us , fell asleep at the wheel and veered into oncoming traffic . I braked , because I could see it about to hit the van travelling in the opposite direction and was worried that our car was going to get caught up in the accident . I don 't know how , but the vehicles missed each other by the tiniest of margins . The driver woke up as he hit the dirt on the opposite side of the road , straightened up and drove back over to the correct side of the road , in front of us . To say that my heart was racing would be an understatement . I still can 't believe he didn 't kill anyone . Needless to say , I was very thankful to pull into our driveway tonight . It 's good to be home safe and sound ! Yesterday , Felix had one of his therapy sessions . The Speech Pathologist and the Physiotherapist came to our house to check in and see how he was going . He was a little bit shy at first , but he quickly warmed up and started showing off all his new tricks . The Speech Pathologist brought ' Mr Potato Head ' for Felix to play with , and we did lots of talking about body parts , and where to put his eyes and his arms etc . We were all really impressed with how well Felix managed to push Mr Potato Head 's arms into the correct hole , even though it was really small . At times , it took him a little while , but he persisted and was successful each time . He correctly identified the body parts when we asked him to pick up a particular one too , which was great . The Speech Pathologist was curious to know what words / sounds Felix was able to make , so she got him to play with his hammering bench , and focussed on the words ' in ' and ' out ' . Much to my surprise , Felix said ' in ' nearly every time and made a sound very much like ' out ' when he took the blocks out . After that , I blew some bubbles and we all said the word ' pop ' over and over . Felix was shown how to point his finger and pop the bubbles whenever he could . The Physio used the bubbles to try and get Felix to work on his balance . He 's fantastic at balancing when he 's walking , or looking straight ahead or side to side , but looking above his head and reaching for the bubbles was pretty hard . He tried for quite a while to pop the bubbles while he was standing . When he lost his balance , he got straight back up to try again . After a while , he realised that sitting down was much easier though , so he happily sat and giggled while he popped his bubbles . Today we took Felix for a ride on his new little tricycle , which has a parent handle so we can push him . He thinks it 's fantastic . It has a little cup holder so he can have a drink whenever he feels like it , and a toy mobile phone attached for him to play with . A lot more snazzy than anything I ever had as a kid , that 's for sure ( although my Dad did help Santa fix up a second hand bike for Christmas once and , as a result , it was the most popular bike on the street on Christmas Day ! ) . We took one of the dogs for a walk at the same time , and Felix loved being able to reach out and pat the dog while we walked along . He loves the sunshine and the trees , and was constantly pointing out different things along the way . It was quite warm today so Felix needed a hat on , which proved problematic in the wind . Nathan had to run back a couple of times to pick it up as it blew away . I think Felix was thankful it kept blowing off because he hates wearing hats , so the wind did him a favour ! Well , tomorrow is the day we have been looking forward to for a really long time ; it 's Buddy Walk Day ! We have everything ready by the front door for our 5 . 30am departure in the morning . All up tomorrow , we will do about 9 hours driving there and back , but we wouldn 't miss it for the world ! It looks like being a beautiful , warm day ; absolutely perfect for a walk . I am so excited to be part of such a wonderful community of people , all joining together out of love and support for those with Down Syndrome . Last year we enjoyed watching dance performances and singing by some of the kids , and I 'm really looking forward to that again . The crowd was really involved and the kids were all so enthusiastic ! We will be meeting up with some beautiful people who are coming into the city to walk with us and celebrate Felix 's life . We are really thankful to all of you who are coming in to be part of our special day tomorrow . Can 't wait to see you all . Every now and again , I look at Felix and I feel overwhelmed with emotion . I look at him and marvel at how incredibly gorgeous he is . Today was one of those days . I was up in my room when I saw a little shadow moving up the hallway , and knew Felix was on his way up to see me . He walked into the room and tears welled up in my eyes . I looked at his mop of sandy brown hair , all shiny from the bath he 'd just had , and that beautiful smile , so huge that those unique almond shaped eyes narrowed completely , giving them a slanted shape . Perfect ! We couldn 't have asked for a more precious little boy . How does that saying go ? ' I never knew I wanted a child with Down Syndrome until I was given one ! ' How very true . . and we wouldn 't want him any other way ! Nothing like being bossed around by a two year old who can barely even speak yet ! Felix was sitting on the bed with me this morning , playing with his ipad . I was on my laptop , trying to put off getting up for a few more minutes because it was so cold . Felix was signing different animals as he pointed to the pictures of them on his ' Sound Touch ' app . He would get my attention , sign the word and I would say things like , " Yes Felix , that 's a cat " and I would sign it back to him . When he touched the picture of a donkey and signed the word , he looked at me expectantly and waited for me to sign it back to him . I was typing at the time , so I only signed with one hand ( so the donkey only had one ear ) . Felix looked at me with his cute , little , impatient face and picked my hand up off the keyboard , and let me know that he wanted me to sign it properly . . . . . with both hands ! I dared not argue with him . I lifted both my hands above my head and signed ' donkey ' correctly . With a satisfied look on his face , Felix went back to playing his game . The same thing happened when Nathan got home from work . ' Twinkle , twinkle , little star ' was playing and Felix was enthusiastically doing the actions . He always stretches both hands so ' high above the sky ' that he could almost touch it . It 's adorable ! Problem is , we have to do the actions too ; which is fine except that he studies us to make sure we 're doing them properly . Heaven forbid if our fingers aren 't ' twinkling ' enough or if the diamond isn 't high enough ' in the sky ' . Felix will physically grab our hands and demand ( without words ) , that we do it properly . We feel like the naughty school students with a really strict teacher . He 's such a funny little man ! Much to our older boy 's horror , I have been dancing around the house to the song ' Gangnam Style ' . There is a lot of eye - rolling every time I 'm singing it too , which makes me want to do it even more ( Hahaha . . sorry boys ! ) Secretly , I 've been teaching Felix how to do the dance and today , in the car , on the way to school he gave his debut performance . The boys thought it was hilarious ; there was Felix , sitting in his car seat , doing the hand movements and saying " Oo , Oo , Oo , Oo . " I think they forgave me for doing it so much when they saw how cute he looked . We laughed all the way to school . Felix didn 't have a sleep during the day today . He was still in his cot ' chatting ' away an hour after I 'd put him to bed , so I got him up again . I took the opportunity to rearrange his bedroom and give it a good clean . I put some brand new bedding in his cot and decorated the room so it looked completely different by the time I had finished . When I brought Felix into the room later he didn 't know where to look first . He pointed at everything that was new , or was in a different place . He wanted to get into his cot ( which I 'd moved ) and look at the cars and trains on his sheets and quilt cover . I was really impressed with how much he noticed . He was quite excited to get into bed tonight . Felix and I went to Kindergym this morning . I was really excited to take my little walking man and see all the new things he could do . He was a little apprehensive at first , because of the other kids , but once he got used to the noise and busyness he was fine . His climbing skills and his confidence have come on in leaps and bounds since last term . He was even able to walk up some of the soft ramps and , being the daredevil he is , walked across platforms which were about a metre off the ground . I stayed close by ' just in case ' , but he seemed to be very aware of where the edges were and was quite cautious . A couple of times when he couldn 't quite reach to climb up onto something , he looked at me and signed " Help " . I gave him a little bit of a push and he was able to scramble the rest of the way up by himself . As you know , Felix loves music and singing . Today was no different . When we had song time at Kindergym , he was so excited . He shook the little bells he got out of the instrument box , and bounced himself up and down to the songs . His eyes were big and wide and he loved watching the other kids jumping and singing . He was disappointed when the songs finished and signed " again " . He hates it when it 's time to finish , but was ready for a big drink and something to eat , so he didn 't complain too much this time . At Kindergym this morning it was interesting to observe different parent 's reactions to Felix . When I 'm at home with Felix I forget that he has Down Syndrome . To me , he 's just Felix ; our busy little two year old who is into everything . When I go into a situation where there are people who don 't know Felix , I am reminded very quickly that he does indeed have Down Syndrome , because of people 's responses to him . I have found that people react in one of two ways . The first group of people are drawn to Felix ; they engage me in conversation , and talk to him . Some give me a smile from across the room , or make sure their kids are gentle when they play with Felix ( sensing that he gets a bit frightened ) . The second group of people are evasive . They avoid eye contact with me and they quickly redirect their kids in a different direction if they start moving towards Felix . I was speaking to our oldest boys about my observations from today and , as always , they had some very interesting input . Like me , they agreed that to us Felix is just Felix . However , they did point out that sometimes when they notice someone who is different , they face a bit of a conundrum themselves . Do you make eye contact and smile ? Do you go over and speak to them ? Do you walk straight past them like you would any other person ? The boys pointed out to me that some people probably do feel uncomfortable when faced with Felix , because they are unsure of how to respond . It doesn 't mean they think he 's awful , but they may actually be worried about upsetting me , as his Mum , if they respond the ' wrong way ' , so they avoid it altogether . I know I have had some people apologise for asking me questions about Down Syndrome because they thought they may have upset me ( they didn 't ; I love questions ) . Some eye opening thoughts from our boys tonight , I think . Felix had a lot of fun this afternoon . When Nathan got home from work , he made him a ' cup of tea ' with his tea set , and fed him some of the fruit from his toy fruit basket . They read some stories together and had a big play . When Felix was sitting on Nathan 's knee , listening to a story , he kept looking over at me and signing , " Daddy " ( with a grin from ear to ear ) and then leaning his face up and staring at his Daddy , as proud as punch . He loves having Daddy time , and it 's pretty precious to watch ! Tonight we had all six of our sons here for dinner ( a pretty rare occurrence these days ) . Felix loved having all the boys around and wasn 't quite sure who he wanted to ' talk ' to first ; there were so many choices . He wasn 't sure about Daniel 's new beard but , by the time he had to say goodnight , he was happy to stroke his face . I think he 'd finally worked out who he was . Lucky for Felix , he got to go to bed at 7pm while the rest of us had to sit and endure the movie , Rocky 3 , thanks to Nathan . He has told the kids that their childhood will be incomplete without watching a list of movies he has written down . The kids all groan initially , but I can tell they love it that we 're doing something funny together . I wonder what the next torturous movie will be . . . Hahahaha ! I 'm a proud Mum to 8 amazing children . My youngest son , Felix , has Down syndrome . I am passionate about raising awareness and increasing acceptance of people with Down syndrome . I feel privileged to have Felix in my life and have learned , and are continuing to learn , so much from this incredible little person . |
Daughter lies . Daughter lies a lot . She will tell me she took her shower . " Will I find evidence ? " Sometimes she will than admit she didn 't , and go take it ( though usually with a few loud words about how it isn 't any of my business and she 's not my puppet ) . For breakfast , she has oatmeal and milk . She needs some kind of protein to help keep her blood sugar stable until lunch . We generally have reduced fat sausage and cheese available for her protein source . Lately she has been protesting eating her protein . I found part of a sausage link in the upstairs hall after a cat retrieved it from the trash . I found a piece of cheese outside on the ground where she had thrown it . . This morning her blood sugar was on the low side of normal , so it was especially important for her to have her protein . I asked about it , and she assured me she 'd taken one of the individually wrapped cheese pieces and eaten it . " Will I find evidence ? " She assured me I would . I went and checked . No cheese wrapper in the trash . I gave her a piece of cheese and made her eat it in front of me . She was not happy , but she knew better than to protest , as it was her own doing . She knows why she needs the protein ( I 've explained it several hundred times ) , but she doesn 't care enough about her own health to follow through . . One time she explained to me why she lied . She told me that with each lie , a bubble she has created around her grows . The bigger the bubble , the safer she feels . The bubble protects her from getting close to people , keeps her from feeling vulnerable . The lying is another sign of her current stress level . She is creating a big bubble around herself ( when she 's not sitting next to me wrapped around my arm , that is ) . She claims she 's hearing voices again . She says her birth parents are telling her to kill herself . I told her to tell them to get out of her life , that she 's safe now and doesn 't need to listen to them . Is she really hearing voices ? Maybe . Or maybe she 's just making sure she has a big enough bubble to protect her from getting cReverend Mom I 'm feeling a bit down the last two days . I 'm edgy , and much less patient than usual . I had a wedding yesterday , and the bride totally annoyed me by her complete disregard for board policy on weddings . She did it very intentionally , too . I haven 't decided what to do about that yet . . I went to the rehearsal dinner Friday night , which happened to be Mom 's birthday . I sat next to father of the bride 's girlfriend , who was telling me about the wonderful 80th birthday celebration they 'd had for her dad on Thanksgiving . She know nothing about the challenges of the past year , and I was gracious about listening , and more than a little bit jealous . . We went briefly to the reception , but I had to come home to get ready for this morning . I needed to finish my sermon . Actually , I needed to start it . I 've been avoiding work the last few days , which is a part of being down . Daughter was furious that I brought her home before the dancing began . She 's hearing voices again . She says her birth parents are telling her to kill herself . . Sister - in - law said something really stupid and insensitive at Thanksgiving . At least she had the good sense not to say it to Sister or me . Her comment prompted Sister 's ex - Mother - in - law to turn her back on her and get a glass of wine . I keep telling the Sisters that as long as Brother is happy , that is all that matters . But that doesn 't mean there aren 't times when we 'd like to wring SIL 's neck . There are times when Daughter shows more maturity and sensitivity than SIL . . Faraway Brother - in - law heads to the other side of the world on business today . I hope that his problem last week really was a medication mix - up and not a TIA or stroke . , Daughter is off bowling with Special Olympics . NG 's mother picked her up and took her . I had the opportunity to talk to NG 's mom yesterday , and warned her a little about Daughter 's PTSD . Flasher is supposedly completely out of the picture now . His mom pulled him out of the workshop . I don 't think that 's going to be permanent , but we 'll enjoy the peace while he 's gone . Reverend Mom We met Brother for breakfast this morning , and then headed home , arriving here about 1 : 30 . I woke up with a very sore back this morning . I think it must have been the motel bed . Daughter had to help me put on my socks . Daughter is exhausted . She 's currently sleeping in a very uncomfortable position in a chair . I think she chose that spot because it is near me . . I have a wedding rehearsal in an hour . I said we 'd attend the rehearsal dinner , and I have no idea why I agreed to that at this point , but I did . I still have to write the meditation for the wedding and a sermon for Sunday . I 'm not motivated to do either . Mom would have been 79 today . I tell myself that 's not important , but it is . . I look forward to coming home and sleeping in my own bed tonight , with a cat curled up at ( or preferably on ) my feet . I 'll let Daughter have one of them for her feet ( or maybe her butt ) . I also said we 'd attend the reception tomorrow evening , again , I don 't know why . Hopefully both will serve to distract me from the fact that today is Mom 's birthday . . We made it through Thanksgiving . Daughter is already beginning to worry about Christmas , but I think Thanksgiving and Mom 's birthday are the bigger challenge . I need to get Daughter moving , and I need to get over to the church and make sure everything is set up for the wedding . I need to brave a store to get a card and gift certificate for the happy couple at some point , too . That will have to wait until tomorrow . . We 're home , and we survived the first Thanksgiving . Do you ever wonder who I 'm trying to convince ? Posted by We survived the first Thanksgiving without our parents . There were just 10 of us , Sister , Ex - Brother - in - law , Little Niece , Brother , Sister - in - law , and Ex - BIL 's mom , sister and aunt . Daughter asked Sister if she could light a candle in memory of Mom and Dad and say the prayer . She did a beautiful job . I was proud of her . She handled the day pretty well . She had to talk to me a couple of times - - she was missing Nice Guy , and there was some grief . I kept referring her back to her list of things for which she is thankful . . As we were coming to the motel after our day with family , she told me she had been hearing voices . I asked what they were telling her . At first she said lots of different things , so I asked her to share two of the things with me . They were telling her she couldn 't handle having a boyfriend . She said , " I 'm showing them they 're wrong . I 'm handling having a boyfriend . " They were also telling her she 'd never be able to live independently . " I told them there isn 't any rush and I can take it slowly at my pace and I 'll know when I 'm ready to be independent . " Once again I was proud of her . She 's asleep , and I 'm headed that way , too . I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving ! Posted by I took Daughter to basketball practice yesterday for Special Olympics . I had doubts , but she wanted to be on the team , so I took her . Nice Guy is on the team , so she wanted to be on it , too . Because NG is on the team , she wasn 't going to show any weakness . The coach was working them hard . By 45 minutes into a 90 minute practice , it was obvious that she was wiped out . Her tremors were becoming progressively worse . She was becoming less coordinated . She was still pushing hard , though . M , the coordinator , who knew my misgivings , told Daughter to go get a drink . Then she went over and talked to her . She convinced Daughter that she should do basketball skills instead . Daughter acknowledged that by the end of the practice she would have collapsed . . When we got outside , Daughter began to cry , very disappointed that she couldn 't do it . We talked about it , and I told her I 'd take her to one of the games . She insisted she couldn 't go to the Thanksgiving Eve service when we got home , but I told her I thought after a few minutes rest she 'd be okay . When I went upstairs to check on her , she was sound asleep , face down on her bed in just her bra and panties . Kitten was perched on her butt . Basketball skills will take much less time , and she will be successful at that . I know she 's disappointed , but I 'm relieved . . When we got over to the church , she overheard me responding to some one 's question about Brother - in - law , so I had to fill her in on what was happening . She told me again that she couldn 't do Thanksgiving without Grandma and Grandpa , so we sat down and wrote a long list of all the things she still has to be thankful for ( including all her doctors and every pet in the extended family ) . I told her she needed to carry the list with her and look at it anytime she 's feeling sad . That seemed to help . . I 'm very proud of Daughter , because she expressed her disappointment over basketball and her grief around Thanksgiving . There was a time when she would have acted out , leaving me to guess what had set her off . The Depakote has sReverend Mom Tomorrow we will get in the car and drive 3 hours to spend Thanksgiving with Sister and Brother and various extended family members . The celebration will take place at the home of Sister and ex - Brother - in - law ( they can 't sell their house and can 't afford to support 2 households , so they live together even though the marriage fell apart over 5 years ago ) . Ex - Brother - in - law will prepare the feast . Several months ago , he said he wasn 't going to do Thanksgiving this year . He wasn 't comfortable with Far Away Sister 's in - laws driving to his home ( he didn 't think they should be driving at all ) , and he had various other reasons for deciding it was time to discontinue this particular tradition . . Last month I invited Sister and Little Niece to come here for Thanksgiving . Ex - Brother - in - law had a fit . " I 'm cooking ! " . " But you told me you weren 't going to do it this year . " . " That was before . What kind of jerk do you think I am ? ' Sorry your Dad died , you 're on your own for Thanksgiving . ' " . Brother hasn 't been around much for holidays since he began dating his wife - - there were too many family obligations on her side . I figured we 'd seen the last of them at Thanksgiving . Initially he was talking about them stopping by Sister 's on their way elsewhere , but now he has determined that they are going to spend the whole day with our family . . Daughter has been very concerned about the whole family falling apart because Grandma and Grandpa are dead . Tomorrow she will see that even with all the stress of this past year , including the discovery of theft and periods of refusing to speak to one another , we are going to be together on Thanksgiving . We are still a family . . I 've had several conversations with Far Away Sister today . I 've put her down as my emergency contact person for my new doctor . I told her that 's her reward for being my rational sibling . She said that was fine , because after yesterday she had expertise in tracking down missing people and getting them to the hospital . Brother - in - law has now decided that the problem is that he mReverend Mom I received a call from Far Away Sister this morning . She was on her way to the hospital . Her husband had called her after he left a breakfast meeting . He didn 't know where he was , he was seeing double , and his speech was slurred . She kept telling him to pull over , and he kept insisting he was fine , but he couldn 't tell her where he was because he couldn 't read the street signs . As his office was preparing to go out searching for him , he showed up . One of his co - workers put him in the car and took him to the hospital . He told him he had to get his laptop out of his car first . . Far Away Sister and her family spent the day in the ER . Brother - in - law connected to the hospital 's wireless and worked . They think he had a TIA . He 's supposed to go to a cardiologist and a neurologist for follow up care . He 's flying to the other side of the world on business on Sunday . He 'll be gone for 2 weeks , and has a scuba diving trip planned for the weekend he 's there . Far Away Sister is not thrilled to say the least . Brother - in - law doesn 't remember anything that took place for about 90 minutes this morning . When they left the hospital , he had her drop him off at the office . He had work he wanted to get done . I 'm sure it 's hard on Far Away Sister , being so far away from family when something like this is going on . . I have very carefully protected Daughter from any knowledge of this . She is talking about how Thanksgiving won 't be right without her grandparents there . I don 't want her to know another family member is experiencing health challenges . She 's currently sleeping with her head on my shoulder . Kitten is sleeping in her lap and Cat is sleeping on the back of the couch directly behind us . . We had her ISP meeting at the workshop today . When Case Manager told her she had the paper for her to sign about the residential waiting list , Daughter got a panic stricken look on her face . I quickly reassured her that she didn 't have to move when her name came up , that we would decide together when she was ready . I think Case Manager finally undPosted by C and I went in and finished Daughter 's room today . We found the usual problems - - wrappers from contraband food , used syringes , needles , and test strips , tags she had cut off clothing , dirty dishes , and pages out of various scrap books she had started and then abandoned . We took some of the storage pieces out , and removed all the craft supplies from her room . She will still have access to them , but they will not be cluttering up her room . We arranged it a little differently , and Daughter is very happy . I told C that every time I do this I tell Daughter I won 't do it again , but end up back in there when it gets beyond Daughter 's ability to control . C said , " Well , as long as we come in once a month - - or maybe every 2 weeks , it shouldn 't get too bad . Saturday we 'd gone through shoes with Daughter and gotten rid of quite a few . We put the others away . When we went in this morning , we were greeted by 3 pairs of shoes in the middle of the floor . She hadn 't even worn them all . . My Christmas Open House is now less than 3 weeks away . We 're going to close the door on the guest room and focus on getting the rest of the house ready for the open house . I 'm grateful that I have C to help me with the preparations , because I don 't know that I could get everything done on my own . The board is helping with the food , so I don 't have to do all the cooking and baking myself . . The next few weeks will be very busy , but it will be a good busy . Posted by Today was our second annual youth / senior citizen Thanksgiving Dinner at the church . It grew . We fed over 60 people this year . I made the cranberry relish ( that was finished last night ) , the dressing , and a 22 pound turkey . I got over to the church at 1 : 30 , and within half an hour , the cold water wouldn 't turn off . Last year the hot water heater went out . I called Angry Man to come fix it . He had to end up turning off the water to one of our triple sinks , which made dish washing take longer , to say the least . I left before the clean up was done . I 'd been there over 6 hours and my feet were killing me . I have a stock pot of remainders from the turkeys simmering on the stove . It will make great soup . . Everyone had a good time at the dinner . The senior citizens were delighted , and the kids worked really hard . The food was good , as was the company . Secretary 's foster sons invited family members they don 't see very often . They were delighted to be there with the boys , and the church people made them feel welcome . It was a nice mixture of church folks and people from the community . . Daughter came to me last night and told me there was something she should have told me sooner . Nice Guy had sex with one of his previous girl friends . She was very uncomfortable with that , and told me he was afraid he would rape her . I listened , and told her I didn 't think she had to worry about that , and reminded her that she has a voice and uses it to keep herself safe . She talked to NG last night , and told him she was uncomfortable with physical contact . He told her they could slow down , and she could just hug him good bye or shake his hand if she wanted to , and he 'd wait until she was ready for a kiss . He really is a Nice Guy . . This morning during the worship service , when I called up the children , one of the girls presented me with an Ohio State commuter cup . I catch a lot of flack since they know I 'm a Michigan fan . I was gracious and thanked them for the cup , and pointed out how appropriate it is , since we gave them the football game Reverend Mom Nice Guy came over today to watch The Game . It was two weeks ago last night that he came over for the first time . All of their get togethers have gone well , but last night Daughter began worrying . She wasn 't sure she could handle him being her for the whole game . Getting close to any man triggers her PTSD , and so most of her relationships are very short lived . I assured her that she could handle it . I reminded her that she has a voice and knows how to keep herself safe now . I also decided that given her anxiety , it was an opportune time to try the xanax Psychiatrist prescribed . She protested , she didn 't want any more drugs . I bribed her with a piece of dark chocolate . . After I washed her hair , I put it up in rollers and put her under the hair dryer . She began sobbing and shaking uncontrollably . I asked her if she was cold , but she wasn 't . She didn 't know why she was crying . Her hair is wild today because I gave up on making her sit there until it was dry . I decided that xanax is definitely not the answer , though I may try one more time with half a pill , since Psychiatrist said we could try that if the whole pill was too much . . This morning she woke up in good spirits . C came over , and we did some work in the kitchen and Daughter 's bedroom . NG came over , and all seemed fine . Part way through the game , I joined them , sitting next to Daughter on the couch . By halftime her head was on my shoulder . I tried to get her to put her head on NG 's , but she wouldn 't . She fell asleep ( shut down - - she was overwhelmed ) . By the end of the game , she was wrapped around my arm . Poor NG couldn 't figure out what he 'd done wrong . I assured him it had nothing to do with him . Daughter hasn 't been able to talk to him about it . She 's talking about breaking up with him . I told her that that 's fine , but that means she needs to stop looking for a boyfriend until she 's ready to handle it . I really feel bad for NG . Most of the guys she dates deserve to be dumped , but NG hasn 't done anything wrong . He 's been kind and patient with her . It 's not hiReverend Mom Today was one of those wonderfully busy days in ministry that I love . I started with breakfast at 8 : 30 with a woman dealing with a family crisis . . From there I ran to the store to pick up some things for the youth group Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday . . I picked up prescriptions , visited 3 of the saints at the nursing home , deposited some checks , and then worked on my sermon at a fast food restaurant . . Therapist and I met and decided that now is definitely not the time for Daughter to move into supported living . . Then I drove to City to visit a woman who was going in for a cardiac cauterization this morning . I 'd visited her yesterday evening and prayed with her for the procedure . She was beaming when I arrived . They put in 2 stints and she was already feeling better . She was so relieved . . I got home about 10 minutes before Daughter did . My sermon isn 't done , I have a ton to do before Sunday , and I 'm content . The woman at breakfast was apologizing , and I reminded her that ministry is my passion and it was an honor for me to support her through her pain . I meant that . The woman in the hospital told me yesterday she didn 't deserve my visit ( she doesn 't attend worship ) . I reminded her that God doesn 't give us what we deserve , God gives us grace . . I feel so privileged to be able to do the things I do and to be allowed into the lives of so many different people dealing with so many different issues . I love leading the congregation in worship every Sunday . . In many ways I feel like I 'm coming out of the fog of stress and grief as my parents suffered through their final illnesses and died . I 'm rediscovering my joy , and I 'm appreciating it more than I ever did before . Posted by Case Manager called today . She wanted to warn me if I turned down this opportunity to get Daughter into supported living , it might be 10 years before there would be another opening . She suggested using it as respite for 2 weeks to see how it would work . If I intended to stay here long term , I 'd probably view this opportunity differently . As it is , though , I could be moving within the next year , and I don 't want to leave Daughter behind and move to another state . Would it be fair to pull her out of her new home just as she 's settling in ? . There 's the issue of her current emotional state and all the stress she 's had the last few months . She could very well view this as me getting rid of her , which would be the biggest trigger of them all . I 'm not sure she 's strong enough to handle it . . If she moves into supported living , she loses my insurance , as I would no longer be providing over half of her support . That means she would lose Therapist ( who doesn 't take Medicaid ) . She could lose other doctors , too , since I 've had to sweet talk many of them and point out that my insurance is primary . . There 's the issue of her diabetes . If medical professionals on the psych unit have so much trouble managing her diabetes , how can I expect the staff in a supported living home to handle it ? The staff member who took her to the area track meet last spring hadn 't read the instructions about Daughter 's diabetes , and even though I gave her instruction , she didn 't do any of the things I told her to do and shorted Daughter on her insulin , causing her blood sugar to go sky high . . I would gain my freedom if she were to move . I could unlock my knives and medication . I would be free to come and go without worrying about finding sitters for her . I could go to conferences , and be gone all day , and cook and eat without constantly measuring food and calculating carbs . . I 'm going to have to do some more praying about this . I made an appointment with Therapist for Daughter tomorrow , but I think I 'm going to go alone . The two of us can weigh the prosReverend Mom When I come across people like Angry Man , over the years I have learned that the best way to deal with them is to pray for them . When I pray for someone , my attitude towards the individual changes . As I 've prayed for AM , I 've become aware of some of the pain and stress in his life . I understand why he is so angry , and why he feels the need to control something . Recognizing his pain , I can have more compassion and avoid responding with anger and defensiveness . This ability is a gift from God , not something I can do on my own . . Today I had a very crazy day scheduled . Two gifts eased the stress considerably : 1 . Daughter woke up this morning complaining of not feeling well and asked to stay home . I could have convinced her to go to the workshop , but decided to view this as the gift of 40 minutes , since it meant I didn 't have to go to Town to pick her up before taking her to an appointment with her diabetes doctor in the opposite direction . 2 . The people I was planning to visit had forgotten another commitment . I 'll get back with them next week . That freed up even more time , which I am using on sermon preparation . Posted by This afternoon I visited Historian . He had missed a few Sundays ( he is in his mid 80 's ) , and his daughter was concerned about his mental state . Historian and I have worked closely on a number of major projects for the church , including writing a history of the church . I had received a copy of a chapter of a history book that was about our congregation from the individual who had recently translated it into English , so I took this to show Historian . He began our conversation by telling me that never , in the history of the church , had the congregation been in such good shape financially . He pointed to the surplus in the general fund and the money to fund all the building improvements that are currently taking place . In addition to new carpet , Angry Man measured 5 windows in my home for replacement this afternoon . . I thanked Historian , and told him I 'd needed his reminder today . He has always been a listening ear for me . I told him a bit about my conversation with Angry Man . He offered me a beer , pointing out it had to be 5 : 00 someplace . I declined , but eventually accepted a glass of wine , which was wonderful . This evening I met with a bride to finalize wedding plans . Tomorrow afternoon I get to go visit our new baby . . Daughter made it through her friend 's funeral today . She was angry that I wouldn 't jump in the car the minute she got home to take her to basketball practice . She is going to get the schedule tomorrow , and I will try to get her to the rest of the practices . She tried to do basketball a couple of years ago , but ended up quitting because it was too hard to regulate her blood sugar . Practice is right at supper time , which makes it harder to balance out her blood sugar . Tonight I couldn 't take her because of my commitment to the bride . . All in all , it was a good , productive day . I feel good about some of the things I got done , and I enjoyed my visit with Historian . Angry Man is one sad man , and he is not going to be able to stop what God is accomplishing here in Tiny Village . Posted by Angry Man just arrived at my home to do some work and take some measurements . He informed me that there are too be no more animals in the parsonage , though he will graciously allow Cat and Kitten to stay . He reiterated that the church will not pay for high speed Internet , though if I can show hard figures to prove it saves money , he might consider it at some point in the future . He told me I have to move youth group because he doesn 't want them meeting during finance and building meetings . Finance and building meetings are much more important than youth group . I pointed out that his meetings were moved to youth group night so that the groups could meet at the same time , and he could move his meeting - - even if it is upstairs to the office . I may have won that one - - we 'll see . . He informed me that the current budget is unsustainable , and we will not be able to continue it . He says that even though we are currently over $ 7 , 000 ahead of budget for the year . He doesn 't care how much money we 're receiving , the current budget is too high and can 't be sustained . Facts don 't matter . . Yes , I 'm going to work on my paperwork so I can begin to search much more actively after the first of the year . He informed me they will never again call a pastor who has pets . I hope that works out for them . Posted by With the death of one of Daughter 's friends , there will most likely be an opening in a supported living home . Case Manager called me about it today . I pondered it , and made an appointment for Daughter with Therapist so we could talk about it . Then this afternoon we saw Psychiatrist . Daughter still isn 't stable . She is experiencing a great deal of anxiety . She is still hearing voices . Psychiatrist thinks that the voices she hears are flashbacks , and what we are dealing with is severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder . I agree . Right now we are dealing with layers of triggers : anniversary issues ; the death of both of her grandparents ; the death of a friend ; even NG and physical closeness with a man . . To try to move Daughter to a new home away from me at this point in time would add a whole new layer stress and another huge trigger . Psychiatrist confirmed my gut feeling that now is not the time to look at making this kind of move . So with some regret and some relief ( that I won 't have to deal with the fall out ) , I am going to tell Case Manager that now is not a good time , and we will wait for another opening . Therapist will continue working with Daughter on finding security in the knowledge that she is safe and has a voice to keep herself safe , even in threatening situations . . Hopefully the next time there is an opportunity , Daughter will be stable and have enough confidence in her ability to keep herself safe to make a successful move into a more independent living situation . For now , I have an as needed prescription for xanax for her . We 'll try it the next time she 's too anxious to sleep in her own bed . If the xanax helps and she begins to need it on a regular basis , Psychiatrist will reevaluate her base meds and adjust them to provide more help for anxiety . While I 'm not happy about adding another med , I 'm hopeful that if we can identify the base problem as anxiety , we will be able to cut back on some of her other meds and find a balance that will enable her to be successful . I still await the day when they can measReverend Mom Last night was our budget meeting . It is never a pleasant meeting . A year ago it was announced that 2009 was the final year that the congregation would be able to afford a full time pastor . Giving so far this year is $ 7 , 000 over budget , which is good anytime but on a budget of just over $ 100 , 000 in our current economy , it 's amazing . This year I hoped to head off some of the controversy by telling the budget committee I didn 't want a raise for next year . They still found things to fight about , and they cut the budget . . This congregation refuses to fund ministry . They will take care of building problems immediately , but anything else is a pain . We had someone donate a year 's worth of DSL , because the finance people refused to pay for it . Between that and the 2 computers ( 1 used and 1 new ) that were donated , we 're twice as efficient in the office . Last night it was announced that if the anonymous donation stops , so will the DSL , because it isn 't necessary . Neither are the computers . It isn 't necessary to have a TV for the youth group to watch and discuss videos . It isn 't necessary to give any staff members raises ( ever - - 3 staff members haven 't had a raise in 13 years ) . New carpet is necessary . New windows for the parsonage are necessary . Electrical upgrades are necessary . Program money is a waste and will not be funded . Angry Man ( AM ) was in rare form last night . . Once a year we have this meeting , and once a year I come away wondering why God called me to this place at this time . Last night AM brought in a bill he thought was too high for some plumbing repairs at my house . The grandson of a member did them , and AM was so ugly with him that we 've probably lost all future contributions from his entire family . The rest of the group thought the bill was reasonable and that he had done a good job . AM also blasted the board for being lazy and not doing their share around the church . He was mad because he didn 't think they were enthusiastic enough about coming in and cleaning the church on one day 's notice after the carpetPosted by So Daughter is sleeping in my bedroom at night because she can 't sleep unless she 's near me . All medication , insulin , and knives are locked up because she can 't be trusted around them . Yesterday afternoon she wasn 't sure what to do about NG because it turned out the whole time he was here Flasher was waiting in the car . . Yesterday evening she was asking me why they had to wait a year before they could get engaged and married . I told her sometime ago that I always counseled couples that they should be dating for at least a year before they discussed marriage . At the time , she thought it was a good idea . Every time she has a boyfriend she doesn 't think it 's such a good idea . She told me she wants to live independently - - but she 's clinging to me . One of the women in the church is a case manager at the sheltered workshop . This morning she warned me that one of Daughter 's friends died this morning - - probably of H1N1 , though they 're calling it pneumonia . I told Daughter , who was appropriate in her grief . . Daughter is still hearing voices . She tried to sleep in her own room last night , and ended up wetting her bed , and it 's been a very long time since she did that . If my car isn 't going to be ready tomorrow , I 'm going to have to rent a car . Daughter has an appointment in Big City on Tuesday with Psychiatrist . She has to get to that . I also need to get to the hospital in City tomorrow . One of our members is in the hospital with H1N1 . . On a more positive note , this morning was good . Worship went well , and things are happening in a lot of areas . I had a number of conversations this morning about upcoming events . We have a board meeting this evening , and should get a lot done there . I have a number of visits I need to make this week , and Daughter has 2 doctors appointments , so it will be a busy week . I like busy weeks . Posted by One of my roles with Daughter is coach . She needs prompting on some relationship issues . NG came over to hang out today . They worked on dance moves , and then I made them quesadillas for lunch . After lunch , she was going to go back to teaching him how to dance . I suggested she offer other options , like a movie or game . He chose a game . She wanted to play Disney Scene It . I told her she needed to offer him options . They ended up playing Yahtzee . . Flasher called this morning and wanted to hang out with them . I said no . Daughter thanked me . I told her she could say no without my help . She got a message from NG telling her Flasher wanted to hang out with them . When he arrived , I told them both that they needed to learn how to say no to Flasher . I asked NG how many times Flasher had hurt them . " A lot . " He acknowledged he doesn 't want to hang out with Flasher , but doesn 't know how to say no in the face of Flasher 's persistence . So , I 'll be the mean mom and say no while they are learning how to do it for themselves . . Daughter and NG seem to do well together and enjoy one another 's company . NG is perfectly content to come hang out here and have me feed them . The one area where they don 't seem to need any coaching is in the good bye kiss . As long as that 's the extent of their physical involvement , I can live with it . Posted by If I was superstitious , I 'd say it was because it 's Friday the 13th . But I 'm not superstitious , I just haven 't had a good day today . I dutifully gathered up my material and got in the car . It wouldn 't start . I called roadside assistance . They sent someone from 20 + miles south of here to jump it . He didn 't bring a tow truck . I could have told them it didn 't need to be jumped . It wasn 't turning over at all , but the electrical stuff was all coming on . . By the time he left , not only wouldn 't the car start , it wouldn 't shift out of park , and I couldn 't get the keys out of the ignition . I called roadside assistance again . They sent someone from 20 + miles southwest of here to tow it to a dealership 15 miles northeast of here that does towing . The dealership doesn 't have a loaner available . Customer assistance said the problem may not be covered by warranty . By this time , it was too late to call a rental car place and get a rental car without Daughter coming home to an empty house and having to stay alone for an extended period of time . Not a good idea . . So , I didn 't get out of here today . The soonest I can get a car at this point is probably Monday sometime . I don 't expect to have my car back then . They haven 't even looked at it yet . Whatever the problem is , I 'm going to argue that it 's connected to the intermittent electrical problem they couldn 't track down when the power steering module went out this summer , and since it was under warranty then , this should be covered . That 's what I 'm going to argue . It 's less than 3 , 000 miles out of warranty , and it 's just over 2 years old . Far Away Sister thinks that I can get them to cover it with that argument . It was made by an American company that got a government bailout , and they need to keep their customers happy . With the death of my parents , I 'm not going to get a discount on those cars anymore , so they really need to keep my happy if they want me to buy another car from them . . . . . So , even though Daughter is healthy now , I 'm still stuck at home . The walls are still closingReverend Mom A little while ago the big yellow bus picked up Daughter and took her far away from me for the next 6 hours . Due to fog and a route change , it was 90 minutes late , but it came . Daughter got on it . She called me within 5 minutes , but that was just to explain that there had been a route change and that was part of the reason the bus was late . She was so excited to be going back , I think in large part because she gets to see NG , the new boyfriend . . I have decided that I 'm going to pack up some books and head to Town around lunch time . I won 't go to the nursing home , because I don 't want to risk exposing anyone , but I will go to a fast food place to work on sermon and such . I 'll stop by the store to pick up a few groceries . It will be wonderful to get out of this house . The walls were beginning to close in on me . . Far Away Sister and I both had a good laugh yesterday . Little Niece has been running a low grade fever for much of the last 4 weeks . We 've been concerned , and even more concerned because Sister didn 't seem to be as concerned as we were . We 've been advising her to drop some of Little Niece 's activities , as we didn 't think an almost 5 year old needed 5 extra activities a week . So yesterday Far Away Sister got to thinking . She went online and did some research . Sister had purchased this wonderful new temporal artery thermometer ( Far Away Sister and I think Little Niece should be old enough to sit still and hold a digital thermometer under her tongue , but that 's another story . ) It turns out that anything below 100 . 1 is normal on a temporal artery thermometer . Far Away Sister called Sister and suggested she really needed to read the manual . Then she called me , explaining she couldn 't laugh when she was talking to Sister , but she called me because she had to laugh about it with someone . When caller ID showed Sister was calling a little later , I was still laughing . I tried hard not to , but I couldn 't help it . I assured Sister that she 'd laugh about it someday . Right now she 's just very embarrassed . We 're all relieReverend Mom In the last 24 hours I have done two things I was procrastinating on : I have made a motel reservation for Thanksgiving night , and I have finished writing the Blue Christmas service . The Blue Christmas service won 't be until December , but I need to have it done Sunday so that the board members can volunteer for parts . Blue Christmas services are designed for people for whom the holidays are difficult , often because of grief . Mom 's birthday is at Thanksgiving . This afternoon I was struggling to get motivated to do some work on Advent worship and Christmas Eve . I put on some Christmas music to help get in the mood . . All of these things have resulted in waves of grief sweeping over me . Mom loved Christmas . The music brings back so many memories . Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be very different this year . Last year Thanksgiving was very bittersweet . I find myself remembering it , and visiting Dad in the hospital . In some ways , it was the beginning of the end for both of them . Dad was in and out of the hospital for the rest of his life . In December Dad agreed to get rid of his car . In January we had to step in and take over his finances after discovering that the individual he had chosen to do it was helping appropriating his money . . Maybe I shouldn 't blame poor Daughter for the fact that I 'm on edge . Maybe I should blame the memories of the past year . It was painful enough living through it once , I certainly don 't want to relive it this year . I 'm going to have to find new traditions and other things to focus on through this holiday season . . Daughter has been fever free today . Her blood sugar was finally back in range before supper . Now I have to decide if I 'm going to let her go to the workshop tomorrow . Posted by I am grateful that Daughter 's flu has been such a mild case . I really am . Over all , she has been cooperative and not demanding . I need to keep reminding myself of that . I need to be grateful - - Nephew is still sick , and Far Away Sister reported this morning that she is officially stir crazy . This is his 7th day with it . His case is also mild , and he 's also been cooperative . So does it sound ungrateful if I now say I want Daughter to go back to the workshop ? The little things are much more annoying . . It is a struggle for her to hold the thermometer under her tongue . . She doesn 't blow her nose unless I tell her to . . She has no sense of personal space , so no matter what I am trying to do in the kitchen , she is in the way . Today I told her I 'd finish something up for her ( because she was being overly dramatic at how difficult it was , getting on my last nerve ) , and I had to tell her to move because she was totally blocking my access to the task . . She has this need right now to be close to me - - she slept in the recliner in my room last night . I have a need for some space from her right now . I know that if she doesn 't get her need to be close to me met , it will be even harder , so I 'm biting my tongue and sucking it up . . . . . Okay . Now back to the official line . I am grateful that she has such a mild case of flu and is recovering so well . I am grateful that she has such a mild case of flu and is recovering well . I am grateful . . . . Posted by " No , you can 't go anyplace or have anyone over . You 're sick ! " . " I don 't care if you 're bored at home , you 're not going back to the workshop tomorrow . You 're sick ! " . " Yes , you are getting better , but the fact that you needed a 3 hour nap this afternoon says you 're still not healthy . " . Can you tell it 's been a fun evening at my house ? But all of this is a good sign . She is getting better . Daughter slept 14 hours last night . She seems to be improving , but I 'm no longer optimistic that she 'll be able to return to the workshop tomorrow . She hasn 't been especially demanding or difficult , but even so , I 'm very much aware of how much I need her to go to the workshop daily . I need that break from her . I need that time with her gone and someone else responsible for her safety . . The need to keep her safe from herself adds to the stress of having her home . There are 4 locked areas : a file cabinet with most of the meds , a money box with the weekly meds , a money box in the refrigerator with all the extra insulin , and a larger box with a combination lock that holds the knives and the insulin pouch and keys over night . During the day , I need to make sure the insulin pouch and keys are with me all the time ( at least when she 's home ) . . It 's a relatively small thing , but it gets exhausting . All knives have to be washed and returned to the lock box immediately . I have to watch her swallow her pills and inject the insulin I draw up . I need to measure out her food and make sure she is wandering by the refrigerator between authorized meals . I had thought she was becoming more trustworthy in the food department , but have discovered missing food in the last 2 days . I love her dearly , and having her with me 24 hours a day is wearing me out . I will be very grateful when she is healthy enough to go back to the workshop . Posted by Daughter is very seldom sick . Many reactive attachment disorder kids don 't get sick . It 's weird , but they somehow manage to stay healthy . When they are sick , they don 't know how to act . Daughter will insist she isn 't sick when she is , and tell me she is sick when she 's healthy . It 's always been a challenge to discern what 's going on with her and when I need to be concerned or take her to the doctor . . Last night I gave her motrin at bedtime , as her temperature was climbing and I didn 't want her to wake up miserable during the night , as Nephew has been . So far today she 's been fever free , and she definitely has more energy and more of an appetite . She actually took a shower and got dressed today . She 's drinking more today , too . Yesterday I couldn 't convince her to drink . Her blood sugars , though , continue to run high . I 've been giving her extra insulin , but I don 't want to give her too much . To complicate things , I just discovered that she 's been into extra food . I once again explained to her that she will recover more quickly with good blood sugars , so she needs to work with me and tell me what she 's eating so we can cover it with insulin . Will she remember ? Maybe . . I 'm glad we don 't have to deal with this very often . I 'm also glad she seems to be recovering , in spite of herself . Posted by Daughter slept all afternoon , and came down around 5 : 00 and announced she was hungry . Since she hadn 't eaten since about 8 : 30 this morning , I 'm not surprised . As we were eating supper , she announced that she was afraid she was going to die . She doesn 't watch the news , but she 'd seen and heard enough to know that H1N1 is dangerous and people are dying . Far Away Sister tells me that Nephew has repeatedly expressed the concern that he is going to die . He 's been sick since Friday . His temperature is beginning to come down , but it was still over 102 this afternoon . . While it 's important to educate the public about the danger of this flu , I think it 's a shame that the coverage has resulted in Nephew and Daughter being terrified that they 're going to die . It 's hard enough being sick without that worry hanging over their heads . . Today was my day off , and C still came this morning ( I warned her Daughter was sick ) and we tackled the guest room , which had become a junk room . We 've made great progress , but there is still much more to do . Tomorrow Secretary will be in the office . I can 't leave Daughter alone for any length of time and I don 't want to take her to the church , so I 'll be running back and forth and emailing a lot of documents to the church . It 's going to be a long week . . . . Well , it seems that if Daughter does have H1N1 it is a mild case . Her appetite is down , her blood sugar is slightly elevated , she 's coughing , she 's running a low grade fever , and she 's complaining quite a bit . Last night she came downstairs after she went to bed in a panic , " Mom , my body is on fire ! I 'm burning up inside ! I 'm feeling terrible ! " . Her skin felt cooler to me , but I stuck the thermometer into her mouth . Her temperature was 98 . 5 . " You 're temperature is down to normal . You 're getting better . " . " Oh . Then why am I so hot ? " . " Take some of the blankets off your bed . " . " But then I 'll be cold . " . " Take one off , leave one on , and if you get cold pull the other one back on . " . She vanished back up the stairs not to be heard from until morning . . She had her normal breakfast , but has yet to eat lunch , and it 's now almost 3 : 00 . She 'll be down when she gets hungry . I 'll keep her home tomorrow , and the workshop is closed on Wednesday . Hopefully she 'll be able to go back on Thursday . Posted by Far Away Sister took her kids to get the H1N1 shot Thursday after school . Friday Nephew stayed home with a cough . By evening , he had a fever of over 103 . According to the doctor , he has a relatively mild case , but Far Away Sister is having to give him both motrin and tylenol to keep his fever down . He 's been pretty miserable . They are sanitizing everything and getting everything for him to keep him from touching anything . . So this afternoon I was talking to Far Away Sister and commented that Daughter was upstairs coughing . She said , " Uh - oh . " By supper time Daughter was leaning against me and felt hot to me . I had her check her temperature , and texted the result to Far Away Sister - - 99 . 8 . She called immediately . It 's exactly the way Nephew 's illness started . Daughter had her head in my lap and was coughing . Far Away Sister said she sounded like Nephew . I 'm running through my schedule in my mind , trying to figure out how much I " m going to have to cancel this week . Daughter is already telling me how much her chest hurts when she coughs . She will be a terrible patient . It will be a challenge showing sympathy to someone who is so dramatic . I 'm taking it one day at a time , which means I have 3 commitments for tomorrow that will probably need to be cancelled . Far Away Sister helpfully pointed out that the side effects of Tamiflu include psychosis and suicidal thoughts . One day at a time . Posted by Daughter sat down and on her own came up with a list of reasons she deserved to have good things in her life . Once she had come up with her list , she calmed down and apparently the voices stopped . She was able to do a few chores and for a while she sat next to me with her head on my shoulder . The peace that came over her was truly amazing . . She went to bed , and probably slept well . I went to bed and had weird dreams all night long . When she gets into bad places and starts raging and hearing voices , I end up exhausted . I always struggle with when it is time to take her to the hospital . When do I call Psychiatrist about a medication change ? What do we try to work through at home ? What could I do differently to prevent her from becoming psychotic to begin with ? Is there anything I can do ? Of course , according to D , all I have to do is get her off the medication and stop having those counselors talk to her about her past abuse . . . . . One of the things I realized last night is that by locking up the medication and insulin , I have taken away one of her coping mechanisms . It used to be that when the voices started up and she felt the need to hurt herself , she could take extra insulin . The resulting low met that need . Now , she can 't get at any of the easy ways to hurt herself . I need to remember to remind her of some of the other things that Therapist suggested she do when she feels the need hurt herself . For now , I will enjoy the peace and hope that it continues when I wake her up in a few minutes . Posted by With Daughter , it truly is true that no good deed goes unpunished . She is currently outside supposedly calling the police to come throw her in jail where she belongs . She 's threatened to do that before , but tonight she is so out of control she just might follow through . . She had a good night last night , in which I did some really nice things for her in fixing the supper she wanted for her date . I should have known that today would be a rough day for her , but I wasn 't thinking , so I decided to relax her hair . That 's two hours of intense together time that ends up with her having beautiful , straight hair . All the good overwhelmed her , and she became scared and began acting out . . She came back in the house without having called the police . She wants help . The voices are telling her to hurt herself . She doesn 't want to go back to the hospital . She acknowledges that I am right in my analysis , but she 's resisting writing down the reasons why she deserves to have good things happen to her , because she either can 't do it or it won 't help . It could be a very long evening . Posted by I had three phone calls from Daughter yesterday . I was going to be doing errands in Town yesterday afternoon , so I told her I 'd pick her up early from the workshop . I figured that would make it easier for her to get through the day . I also wanted her home a little earlier so she could help with the final clean - up in preparation for her date . . The first call was fine , but the second 2 came while I was at lunch with a colleague and she was teary and wanting me to come get her . I gave her my standard pep talk about how she was doing well and could make it through the day . I 've been giving her that pep talk a couple of times a day for a couple of weeks now . I had hoped the increase in meds would eliminate the need for the pep talk , but it didn 't . I was a little concerned that even knowing I was picking her up and she had a date that night wasn 't enough to get her through the day . Usually , when she calls with her tears and pathetic voice , she blames something that is going on at the workshop . Someone is bothering her , or her blood sugars are out of whack ( which they usually aren 't ) , or some other minor excuse . . When I picked her up yesterday , I asked her what had been going on that she needed to call me . Because she was interrupting my lunch , I had not given her time to tell me the whole sad tale , I 'd gone right into my pep talk . In response to my question , she responded that she didn 't know what had caused her problems , nothing had been going on at the workshop . She ended with , " It 's me . " . While it 's good that she 's not blaming her problems on others , it 's concerning that even with a short day and something to look forward to she still struggles to make it through the day . There are times when I wonder why , like with her blood sugars , there isn 't a blood test that would determine what chemicals are off in her brain and enable Psychiatrist to find the right balance of meds for her . Maybe someday . . . . Posted by Daughter had her date tonight . I made meatloaf , mashed potatoes and gravy , broccoli and brownies for them . Daughter set the table in the dining room , and the two of them ate there . Then they sat on the living room couch and watched Bruce Almighty . This was different from other times she 's had guys over . NG and Daughter have been friends for quite a while . They talk . They 've always talked , even when they were " dating " different people . They talked , and laughed , and obviously enjoyed being together . After the movie , he left . She snuggled against him for the movie , and they kissed on the front porch . She has thanked me several times for cooking for them . She is so happy . . Will this relationship last ? I doubt it . But hopefully they will have some fun before it 's over . Posted by I 'm trying to remember the song that has that line - - accentuate the positive . It will probably be bugging me all day now . . . . Yesterday , in the midst of her frustrations with the chores she had to do and my corrections of it ( clean mirrors aren 't streaked ) , Daughter went outside for something . There was excitement in her voice as she called , " Mom , come here ! Come quick ! " She wanted me to come outside and see the sunset with her . It was beautiful . I thanked her for sharing it with me . I was delighted that in the midst of her struggles , she was able to see and appreciate the beauty of creation . . This morning I could smell her before she even came downstairs . She put on perfume . She fussed with her hair . She has a date tonight . Nice Boy ( NB ) is coming over for supper and a movie . He wanted to take her to a football game ( but I think the season is over ) , but I said that before they could go out together they needed to hang out here at the house a few times until everyone was comfortable with the situation . Neither one of them objected . I 've met NB 's mom through Special Olympics , and I like her . NB has some challenges with anger management , but he 's a great improvement over Flasher and some of her previous boyfriends . I will be surprised if their relationship lasts long enough for them to get to going out on dates together , but we 'll see . For today , she is very happy . They have ordered meatloaf , mashed potatoes , corn , and a chocolate dessert for supper . I have a lunch date with a colleague today , and after that I 'll stop by the nursing home and then pick Daughter up so she can go to the grocery store with me and come home and help me get ready . She 's so excited . No one could say she 's over medicated today ! . Okay , I went on line and found the video of the song . Now maybe I 'll be able to get some work done . Posted by A woman , D , stopped by the church this morning while Secretary and I were working in the office . Somehow , the conversation got around to Daughter . She informed me it was obvious that Daughter was on too much medication and I needed to stop taking her to all these counselors and psychiatrists who just stirred up things that happened when she was too young to remember . . I foolishly tried to explain and defend Daughter 's needs and treatment . D is never going to understand , and she 'll always be convinced that I am creating Daughter 's problems . . I struggle with the amount of medication Daughter is on . I held off doing anything about her downward spiral because I knew it would mean more medication . She is having tremors , and the Psychiatrist has said if they are too bad we can give her a medication to stop the tremors . I don 't want to put her on more medication to counter side effects of other medications . I also don 't want her hearing voices instructing her to kill people . I don 't know what was talked about while she was in the hospital , but I know that neither Psychiatrist or Therapist are talking to her about her past abuse . Both are focused on giving her the tools she needs to improve her functioning . . I know I 'm doing a good job with Daughter . I know that I 'm making the best of a difficult situation . I know that I have rejected medical professionals who didn 't understand her needs and been willing to drive great distances to find her the help she needs . I know that I am good at recognizing and stopping her manipulations . I also know I 'm not perfect . So why do I feel the need to defend myself ? Posted by As I have thought more about anniversary reactions such as Daughter has every fall , I 've realized that this year her reaction was made much worse by Dad 's death on September 29 . As the anniversary of the disintegration of her birth family approached , her grandfather died , and died before she had time to properly grieve and recover from her grandmother 's death June 9 . . I told Therapist yesterday that I think she 's still in the downward spiral , but the hospitalization rewound it a bit so she 's in a better place than she was before she went in . When Therapist came out to get her , Daughter was sleeping with her head on my shoulder . She told Therapist she 's overwhelmed . Therapist worked with her on breaking down the things that were overwhelming her with pieces of clay . She also told Therapist that the only place she feels safe is with me at home . Therapist succeeded in lifting her mood some , and she was more cooperative when we got home . . Mom 's birthday is at Thanksgiving , so I fear that Daughter will continue to struggle with anniversary issues and her grief for a while yet . I bought some playdough yesterday , so my hope is that next time she is overwhelmed she can use that to break it down into manageable pieces . Of course , the challenge with Daughter has always been that something like that only works one time , and then we have to find a new trick . . . . Twenty years ago , a man beat his son . The mother went to the school the next day and pointed out the bruising . He had been violent with the children many times over the years , and protective services had been involved repeatedly . This time , though , she decided it was enough . She reported the abuse , and then packed up her three children and moved into a shelter for abused women . Her daughter was two years old . In the months that followed , there was chaos . The man moved out , and the wife and children moved back into their rental home . Mom was very childlike , beaten down from years of verbal abuse , and was unable to be the parent to her three children . The oldest boy threw the younger boy down the stairs , causing serious injury . The younger children went to stay with friends until the oldest boy could be admitted to the psych unit . On the psych unit , the oldest boy acknowledged that he and the other male members of the family had repeatedly molested the two year old girl . Finally , in March , I received a phone call asking me to come get the two younger children . Mom had broken her shoulder , and no one else wanted them . The little girl stayed with me , the brother , who was acting out in frightening ways already , ended up in therapeutic foster care . . Daughter does not have verbal memories of any of this . She knows the broad outlines of her story , because we have talked about it many times . For a number of years she would ask me to tell her again what had happened around her adoption day . She doesn 't have verbal memories , but her body remembers . Her body remembers , and every fall she struggles . Therapist told me the other day that we were probably dealing with anniversary issues in the fall , and we might never know exactly what they were . I began thinking , and I remembered . I received a call when the family moved into the shelter , because I was their pastor . I went to visit them in the shelter . I remember this little girl with very big eyes who stood quietly with her back to the wall watching everything that was going onReverend Mom Daughter is very easily overwhelmed right now . She didn 't do anything in her bedroom last night because she was overwhelmed and didn 't know where to begin . . Today she called me twice from the workshop , begging me to come get her . I assured her she could make it through the day , and she did , though reluctantly , and only because I refused to pick her up . She didn 't do any work when it came in , because she was overwhelmed ( though she told them she didn 't feel good . ) . She has a new boyfriend , and wants to spend time with him . She recognizes that that means she 'd best be super cooperative at home . So , she came home and asked for a list of chores . I told her I wanted her to do three things in her bedroom : put away the clothes and shoes on her floor ( there aren 't that many ) , and clean out one of the bags she 's used to hide things . She told me she thought we needed to strip down her room again . I 've done it before , and was thinking it was time , I just didn 't have the energy to do it . So , since she has requested , I think we 'll make it our Saturday project this week . . She 's trying , but every thing is a struggle for her right now . I called and talked to Psychiatrist 's nurse today . I 've had her on the proper dose of Depakote - - which is 1250 mg . Today I find myself wondering if it will have to go up again . She is showing early warning signs of hearing voices . We 're taking it one day at a time , but the days are a real struggle for her right now . . I had a productive day in the office , and am feeling less overwhelmed . Thanks to the work we did on files yesterday , I was able to find a form I needed quite easily tonight . Now if only I could get my computer and new wireless computer to communicate so I could print out another form I need . . . . Daughter was up on her own this morning . She came down with a cheery , " Good morning ! " and gave me a kiss . For the second time ever , our blood sugars were identical this morning - - and very good at 90 . That 's the lowest mine has been in a quite a while - - which confirms that stress will raise blood sugar . I 've told Daughter no about a couple of things , and she has accepted the limits I 've given her . She even came to me and said , with a grin , " I suppose you 're going to say no if I ask . . . . " I did , of course . . This morning I looked at her discharge papers from the hospital and realized that she is supposed to be on 1750 mg of Depakote . I 've been giving her 1250 mg . The nurse told me Psychiatrist had taken her up 250 mg the first day . I confirmed that that put her at 1250 . Now I need to find out where the 1750 came from . The problem with higher levels of Depakote is her tremors get much worse . I 'm going to call the nurse this morning to try and figure things out . Tonight we have to fill pill boxes , so I really do need to get it figured out . . I 'm looking forward to a good day . I 'll be in the office this morning , and then this afternoon I 'll go to Town . I 'll pick up prescriptions and visit the saints in the nursing home . We have a new baby ( who was born right before the children 's sermon on Sunday - - the text came in and I announced it to the children ) , but I don 't think I 'll try to visit . I 'm sure with the H1N1 precautions I wouldn 't be able to get in , anyway . They could very well get home today , and since they live here in Tiny Village , I 'll give them a call and see about stopping by at home . . It is so good to be settling back into normal . At least , normal for us ! . Posted by Daughter called me about 2 : 00 . They didn 't have work , and she was bored , but she wasn 't crying . She asked if I would come pick her up . No . I 'm not going to take 45 minutes out of my day because she 's bored . She offered to do house work if I 'd pick her up . I declined the offer . She came home and took a nap - - I think the day wore her out . She has been relatively cooperative this evening , so that 's good . . C and I spent 4 hours in my study today . I cleaned out three file drawers , and dealt with all the papers that were piled up in the study and dining room . We filled the recycling bin and 7 paper grocery bags with papers ( many shredded ) to be recycled . I assured her I could keep her busy until she finds a full time job . She pointed out that in the current economy that could take a while . . It feels good to be bringing order to the chaos that has surrounded me . There is still work to do in the study , but the desk is now cleared off and I can work at it for the first time in several months . It feels like I 'm slowly moving beyond the grief and stress of the last few years and engaging life again . Posted by Daughter got up the first time I called her this morning , eager to go back to the workshop . Today is my day off , and C is coming this morning . We 're going to continue our assault on the paper mountain in the study and dining room . I feel good about the progress we are making . I will be able to keep C busy for many hours as we tackle the neglected corners of the house . The last few years the focus has been on my parents , not my home , and it shows . . It would be nice if I could get Daughter to get with the program . She has a habit of leaving something in the car every time she is in it , so yesterday I took advantage of her guilt about claiming voices to get out of laundry and told her to go get her stuff out and put it away properly . After she went to bed , I discovered that her interpretation of " properly " involved dumping everything on the steps . So this morning , after she was ready to go , I told her to take those things up and put them away properly . She scurried off , and even commented about how much stuff she had on the steps . I asked if she 'd put it away properly , or dumped it in her room . She admitted that she 'd dumped it in her room , stating she 'd deal with it tonight . I asked her how many more times she was going to move those things around before she put them away , and insisted she do it right then . Supposedly , she 's done that . I hope she 's telling the truth this time , but I won 't hold my breath . . My sisters continue to be concerned for my safety . The knives are locked up , and she seems to have better control of her temper now , so I 'm not too concerned . I guess even during good times , the water I live in is relatively hot . Maybe that 's why I keep the thermostat at 62 . . . . Posted by She apologized , and admitted that she could have stopped the voices . They weren 't that bad . She was overwhelmed by the laundry . It took me less than 10 minutes to fold , but for her , it was overwhelming . She promised to make tomorrow a better day . The voices may be controllable for her now , but she 's still not stable . It will be interesting to see how she does when she gets back to the workshop tomorrow . Posted by The voices are back . She 's not raging - - yet . She woke up complaining about cramps . She is very dramatic with just minor pain . I figured that the reminder of bowling this afternoon would do wonders for relieving her pain - - or at least the complaints . I was shocked when she said she might be too sick to go to bowling . I gave her a couple of ibuprofen with breakfast , and she made it through worship and Sunday School . We came home , and while I fixed lunch , she unloaded the dishwasher - - v e r y s l o w l y . I told her I wanted her to take care of the laundry before bowling . Instead , she sat down in a chair and fell asleep . . She woke up just in time to leave for bowling ( amazing ) . She promised she 'd take care of the laundry as soon as we got home . She had a great time bowling , but the complaints started on the way home . She would be better off dead , she didn 't belong here . So it was no surprise when she informed me she couldn 't do the laundry . I broke it down into smaller pieces for her , " just fold 5 of the little yellow towels . " She finally stormed off to her room , informing me she belonged in the hospital and couldn 't do it . I folded the clothes in less than 10 minutes . At 6 : 00 , she came downstairs for supper . She apologized and put the laundry away . . I 'm hoping that if she gets a good night 's sleep and gets back into her routine tomorrow she 'll feel better . I 'm not sure if the voices are really back - - or what 's going on . I hope the voices are gone . I hope that this medication increase stopped the voices . I 'm hoping . Time will tell . We 'll take it one day at a time . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old . |
I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old . |
I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old . |
I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! The night I found out about my fiance 's affair was a night I felt would last forever . In fact , the entire day seemed like a dream . A dream I wanted to wake up from and realize it was only a nightmare and none of this was really happening . But I couldn 't hide from the reality of the situation . The day started off like any other typical day . It was a Thursday , and I was excited for the weekend to begin because we normally spent the weekends together as a family . As usual , my fiancé woke up earlier than I did and went to " work " . While I was at work he called as he was driving home . A police officer saw him on the cell phone so he told me he had to go but would call me back . He did call back to tell me that they were arresting him . Apparently , he had unpaid parking tickets dating back to when he was married , which was several years before we met . His license had been suspended and therefore they had to take him to jail . He told me where he parked the car so that my mom could go downtown and pick up the keys from him and take the car home . Most women would be worried if their significant other was arrested but I wasn 't . This wasn 't the first time he had been caught and arrested for driving with a suspended license . I was actually really irritated that it was happening again and contemplated whether this was the type of relationship I wanted to be in . We were having so many issues lately and I had reached my limit . I called my mom , told her what had happened and she went down to the precinct , to get the car keys from him and bring the car home . What happened next actually made me wonder " what was he thinking ? " This man , who was having a secret relationship with another woman and used his cell to communicate with her , voluntarily handed my mom all the evidence I needed . For months prior to this incident , he was having nightmares and would wake up , hug me , tell me he loved me and he would never leave me . At the time , I thought it was just moments of tenderness and affection from him however , in all honesty I believe it was his guilt over the entire situation . It takes a lot of energy to keep two separate relationships going simultaneously without exposing the deceit to your family and the one you love . The other woman may have begun to demand he end our relationship , which he was not willing to do , and the pressure was getting to him . All of this was pure speculation , however I do believe this was what was going on between them at that time . My mother called to tell me she had picked up the car along with his cell phone . My initial reaction was relief . Now I could finally get the answers I had craved for so long . The phone held all the proof that I needed to confirm my suspicions . I was ready to know the truth . I asked my mom to leave his cell phone in my room and immediately ran home from work . She knew I had suspected him of having an affair and did as I asked . As soon as I got home I went straight to my room , grabbed the cell phone and braced myself . My heart was racing , I knew deep down that I was going to see something I didn 't like . I hoped and prayed that I was wrong while still preparing myself for the worst . I opened up the phone and quickly scanned through the text messages . My hands were shaking as I opened each text . Finally , I found one under a woman 's name ( she will remain nameless ) , I took a deep breath and started reading it . This is the message I read : " I can 't get you off my mind , call me when you can , I love you so much . XOXO . " I felt like throwing up , it was worse than I thought . What hurt the most was reading the words Jezika 🙂 There I was , holding my 9 month old son , and I just found out my world was forever changed . My fiancé had betrayed me in the worst possible way . My mind was jumping all over the place , wondering what I was going to do . It 's funny because the minute I found out he was cheating , I didn 't get angry , I didn 't cry , it was just pure vindication for me . All I could say was " ha , I knew it ! " And that 's exactly what I said to him . All the times he said it wasn 't true , all the times he tried to turn the situation around on me and say I was seeing things that weren 't there and all the times he didn 't answer his phone I just felt it in my core that he was up to no good . Now I knew the truth . I was cold and mean at first . I told him it was over and that I wanted him to leave . Stabbing him with my words by letting him know he just gave me an open door to be with someone else and calling him all sorts of cruel names . The more I spoke with him the deeper my anger got . I was so stressed with raising our son , almost all by myself , that I was nearly falling over with exhaustion from the sleepless nights . It infuriated me to know that while I was going through all of this , he was out enjoying his life as if he was single and didn 't have a care in the world . I immediately removed the ring from my finger . To me , that ring had meant something . It was a promise to be married ; his commitment to me and our family . In my mind , it obviously didn 't mean anything to him , so why should it now mean anything to me ? His initial reaction to me finding out was shock followed by the realization that he had just ruined the best thing he ever had . He pleaded with me to give him another chance . He told me he had made a mistake and he had never loved her . He wanted his family and he would do whatever it took to keep it . He begged me to put the ring back on , but I refused . Why should I oblige his wishes when it was clear I was an afterthought to him during his affair ? He asked if we could go to counseling , something he had always resisted when I suggested it in the past when we needed help , thinking we were just having communication issues . Turns out , it was far worse than I had ever imagined . If we were only having problems communicating , then I wouldn 't be going through the most excruciating mental anguish I was at that very moment . August 21 , 2008 , that 's the day my life changed . How did it change ? Well , that 's the day I discovered my fiancé was having an affair . My life has been filled with failed relationships , starting with the one I had with my non - existent father . Let 's just say trust has never been my strong suit . However , I trusted my fiancé . I mean , to me he was a man so I only trusted him so much . Enough to have a child with him and to know I wanted to spend my life with him . But in my mind it was only a matter of time before he hurt me like every other man in my life has . Still , I was shell - shocked . I think what surprised me more than the fact that he had this affair , was the duration of the affair . I was always one of those women who said " if my man cheats on me , he 's done " . However , when it actually happened , I didn 't know what to do . I think I could 've tolerated a one night stand or even if he had non - emotional sex with someone , but this was an emotional and physical affair . I think that 's what hurt me the most . When I found out about the affair I wasn 't shocked only because I felt that something was up from the moment his affair began . He was disconnected from me , he was getting dressed up often , he would work really late hours , he wanted to go out with his friends all the time , he would be MIA and not answer his phone . I think I know all the signs by now . I just had no way of proving it . His phone was often wiped out , no text messages were left to read , no incoming and outgoing calls were shown , he even had his phone on silent all the time and turned it off at night . I 'm not a stupid woman , I knew what was going on . I knew at some point I would catch him in his lies ; it was only a matter of time . Part of me wanted to know for certain so I wouldn 't feel like I was crazy . He did a very good job of trying to convince me I was . Then there was the other part of me that was scared to find out . Afraid of my life being turned upside down , of losing the man I had loved for so long , losing my family . Ignorance sure is blissful but I know myself and knew I couldn 't live not knowing the truth . I mean , it 's not like he was treating me all that good during his affair . I was left alone most of the time , he would find almost everything and anything to pick a fight with me . Partly he did it so he could use it as an excuse to leave to go to her and the other so he could justify his affair to himself . So he can prove to himself that our relationship wasn 't going good and that we were always arguing . I hated to think that he could do something like this to me , that he could do something so hurtful to me . I never saw him as that type of guy . To me , he seemed like a faithful and honest person , I didn 't see this coming at all . The hardest part about all of this was his affair began while we planned our wedding and throughout my pregnancy and it didn 't end until my son was 9 months old . |
This story is property of the author and is not to be copied or posted elsewhere without written permission of the author . All characters and plot lines are fictional . Any resemblance is strictly coincidental and should be noted as such . Author 's Note : To my collaborator , my sweetie , my little brother and best friend . . . You have been the one who has held my hand , without you this story wouldn 't be what it is . Thanks Davey . Special thanks to Eric for his creative opinions and consultations . Normally I would have gone with selfish there , but the reality of it is , that from that moment in the seventh grade when I realized that I had been caught , I was scared , and in the four years since that afternoon in his bedroom , I was just as scared , maybe even more so . It may have taken me the last four years to figure out that the real reason that I hadn 't said two words to the guy who had been my best friend since we had started school was that I was scared , but the truth is that I knew now , and I was becoming more and more disgusted with myself with every lie or lame excuse I made up to explain away the one relationship that had meant the most to me in all of my sixteen years . It was easy to point at Lucas , to place the blame on him , but the truth was , as much as I told myself this was his fault , I was the one who screwed up . I was the one who had made himself unavailable , too busy to spend any time with him , let alone talk to him . I was the one who wouldn 't take his phone calls and wouldn 't come to the door . I started avoiding any place he might be , and I found ways to occupy my time that didn 't involve my former best friend . It wasn 't that I didn 't want him around , that I didn 't enjoy every second of every minute I spent with him , but I was afraid . Afraid of what it meant , afraid of how I felt . Afraid of what it made me , and that fear provoked me to do the only thing I thought would stop me from feeling like I was . Total and complete segregation from any and all things Lucas Ridgemont . I cut him off , and in turn , cut myself off , from the one person that had always accepted me for who I was with no stipulations and no expectations . I had my faults , things I lacked , and I knew it , but Lucas never cared . It didn 't matter to him that there were things about me and my life that were complicated , he always treated me like everyone else , except in a way , I was even more special . Not that I had any right at all to wonder what was going on with Lucas , I had been the one that pushed him away , the one that put up the gigantic wall that not even the best of the best could scale , but I did . Wonder that is . I did care , and I had watched the Lucas I 'd known and loved disappear , slowly being replaced with different shells of different people . After it first happened , while he was committed to trying to find a way to talk to me , he was still the same smart and resourceful Lucas I had always known with his sandy blond hair and investigating green eyes , but from that time until this very moment as he sat with his back against the tall shade tree in the park , there had been some dramatic transformations . It was like each year he tried out some new personality and by the end of the school year he was exhausted , recuperating over summer break and reinventing himself , and then reappearing every fall at the beginning of the school year as someone new . It seemed to work for him too , if what he was going for was to be alone . It took most people a few weeks to realize that it was the same Lucas , and usually it was only his name that alerted them , being called out in the beginning of each class as attendance was taken . I don 't want to say that I recreated myself , but in a way , that 's exactly what I did that afternoon as I walked out of his bedroom . I acted like it never happened , but worse than that ; I acted like he didn 't exist . I had to . If he didn 't exist then I couldn 't love him , kiss him , and if that never happened , then maybe … just maybe , I couldn 't be gay either . The first summer before the eighth grade , it wasn 't as drastic , but as the years went on , I think he became more desperate and the way he looked now , with his long strands of black hair mostly covering his face , separating him from everyone , was evidence of that . At first , he tried getting involved in the drama club . He was in every school play that year and he was really good too . I 'm pretty sure he thinks I didn 't care , but as nervous as I felt when my class fumbled its ' way into the school auditorium to watch each play , I was excited too . It was like I was allowed to be watching his every move , I was supposed to be looking at him and as torturous as that was for me , I relished in it . Even if it only was for an hour at a time , it was an hour I was allowed to look , I was supposed to look . Ninth grade it was the swim team . His hair grew a bit longer and all the time spent in the pool and the chlorine had turned it from a sandy blond to a lighter blond , like it would naturally lighten in the summer sun . I didn 't go to one swim meet all year . Lucas in a Speedo , as much as I imagined that over and over , was something I didn 't allow myself the pleasure of actually seeing up close . The next year , tenth grade , he joined the marching band . He had this ability to pick up everything he tried so quickly and then excel at it . It was almost unreal to me , and while he would spend hours trying to get me caught up to his level of ability , not because he felt sorry for me or thought that I was dumb , but because that way we could do whatever it was together , I was just proud that he was my best friend . He played the clarinet , and while I got some sort of weird comfort from knowing he was sitting in the stands , or marching on the same field I played on , I never got to see him perform , except for the National Anthem at the start of every football game , but I 'll never forget what he looked like as his red lips wrapped gently but purposefully around the reed of that clarinet or the way they looked so plump , almost puffy , when he was through playing . That year all his long yellow locks had been traded for a short spiky hair - do , but that was only if you ever got to see his hair out from underneath the hat he continuously had on . I didn 't know much about skating , but his board definitely caught my eye , with its ' intricate design . It didn 't have much color to it , mostly black and white , but there was what appeared to be a red heart with a crack running down the center of it . Underneath the broken heart it simply said , MYSTERY . I 'm sure it was my subconscious that was drawn to it , but when I finally managed to pull my eyes away from the simple picture that had seemingly captivated me for the short amount of time it took me to jog over from the court to where he was sitting and locate the ball , I decided I better say something , apologize for intruding on his space as I moved closer . He hadn 't said anything and I was starting to wonder if he had even heard me with his headphones on , but when his eyes finally met mine through the curtain of black hair they were hiding behind , I gasped out loud . I was hoping he hadn 't heard that though , as I looked directly into his eyes for the first time in four years . They were the same deep , brooding emerald green eyes I had casually walked away from that afternoon and then methodically ran from for the next four years … until today . He didn 't say anything in return but the look he was giving me said plenty . " Justin , come on man , we 're waiting on you , " I heard one of the guys yell from the court where they were waiting for my return . I looked over at the guys and then back at Lucas , his eyes telling me not to even think about staying there with him , daring me to try , before I looked back at the guys again , but I couldn 't do it . I couldn 't walk away again , not this time . I just threw the ball back in the direction of the court and turned back around , taking a seat on the ground in front of him and then I waited . And waited , and waited . I don 't know how long we sat there like that , across from one another , only silence between us , but eventually I realized the sun had set and it was almost dark . I almost forgot what it was I was waiting for a few times till he would glare in my direction with those steely green eyes . It had been at least three hours without so much as a word between us when I finally stood up to leave . I had to be home for dinner or else I would be explaining why I didn 't call and let my mom know I wasn 't coming , and besides , it was more than a little frustrating sitting across from someone I had cared so much about for three hours and having him not say a word to me . I don 't know why I didn 't say anything to him either , but I have a feeling it was the overpowering sense of guilt I felt every time I looked into his eyes , the ones that were challenging me to give him a worthy explanation for my behavior over the past four years , and the truth was , I didn 't have one . The thought occurred to me on my walk home from the park that I had no right being frustrated with him for ignoring my existence for three hours that afternoon , even though he could see plain as day that I was sitting right in front of him , but then again , I was the master of evading and ignoring what was right in front of my face . I had hid and ignored him for four years and I still didn 't know what made me want to sit down and maybe , I don 't know , talk to him today , but I did . Maybe it was the guilt , maybe it was the fact that he had clearly seen me , and I knew he knew it was me , so I couldn 't just walk away again , instead , I sat down . It was like that afternoon , when I had laid down next to him on the floor in his bedroom where we were about to watch a movie , our sides touching innocently as our bellies pressed into the carpeted floor . We had propped our chins up on our hands and our elbows nestled against each others ' and we were laughing about something that had happened when I looked over at his smiling face . I knew he was about the best , most loyal person I knew , but more than that , lately I had been realizing that his crisp , green eyes were melting my inhibitions a little more each time I found myself gazing into them absent mindedly . My eyes found his as I celebrated my victory momentarily before I lost myself in the deep green eyes that seemed to be an open book to his soul . I felt comfort , love , acceptance , each time I looked into them and that feeling grew with intensity each time . This time though , I felt the corners of my mouth turn up a little as he grinned at me with his head cocked to the side , wondering what I would do with my new found status . " Whatever you 're gonna do , just do it Justin , " he pleaded , probably in an effort to get me off of his chest sooner rather than later . So , I did . I was fully prepared to attack again with some form of tickling or even a wet willy , anything to have some form of contact with his body , but in the end my brain , or more likely my heart , took over and I kissed him . Just softly on his red lips that were slightly parted to ease his breathing , just for a brief moment in time , as the world stopped around us , before I pulled away from him . He didn 't push me away , he didn 't scream at me or get angry , he just looked at me smiling gently , my reflection shining back at me in his crystal clear eyes . I was scared . Confused and scared , and I didn 't even have the ability to do something lame like threaten him with bodily harm , or offer to do his chores or his homework for the rest of my life in exchange for his silence . No , instead I ran . I ran and hid for four years , until today , when I couldn 't bring myself to run anymore . The trouble was , now that I was ready to face what I was , he hated me ; my very existence had changed him into someone who hid from everyone or scared them into shying away from him . His eyes were cold and that same soul I used to see in them and loved was now hardened and protected by the shell he had created this year . I wondered as I walked home in the cool evening air if he chose a more unapproachable look this year , a more drastic statement , for a reason . I liked it though , the way his raven black hair contrasted his creamy skin , and the way the jade pools that were his eyes seemed to flawlessly accompany the ensemble he had going . The black eyeliner that you could only see if he actually looked at you and the black nail polish that donned his fingertips were just as shiny as the pencil sized plugs he had in his earlobes . I remembered the way the sun shone off the ring he had pierced through his bottom lip as I studied this persona he had become . You can see a lot of things without even looking sometimes , and I had spent three hours looking , really looking , this afternoon . What I saw on the outside of Lucas Ridgemont was contrary to the Lucas I had known so many years before , but I also saw the pain , the anger , the reality that he still had not forgiven me for abandoning him that afternoon , and as much as he tried to scare everyone away so no one could see it , so he couldn 't be hurt again , I stared it in the face for an afternoon . I think that scared him more though , the thought that I was making an effort finally and that he didn 't know why . Why I all of a sudden cared what happened to Lucas and if he somehow found a way to forgive me , to let me into his life again , what guarantee did he have that I wouldn 't run out on him again , crushing the miniscule piece of his spirit that remained protected by this hardened exterior . The truth was he had no way of knowing , and I decided that his silence and his glares that clearly told me not to even think about it , not to even try , were his strongest defense . It wasn 't until the next weekend when I was at the park again with the guys that I saw Lucas . I had looked for him at school , and I didn 't see him at all on Monday or Tuesday and by Wednesday I was beginning to get the feeling that he was hiding from me , although as I thought back over the last few months , I couldn 't remember a time when I had seen him . That thought was disconcerting enough to make me actually wonder if he even attended the school anymore , and by Friday I had almost given up any notion I had that I would ever find him at school . But as I saw him gliding effortlessly along that April afternoon through the park , his shirt tucked into the back of his pants flowing behind him allowing the warm sun to glimmer off his skin , it occurred to me that he was stunning . His body was lean , not that you could tell under all the clothes he normally wore , but today the sun was warm enough to have coaxed him into sharing that eye catching sight with me . His hair feathered in the wind as I watched him , wondering how he could even see where he was going from behind all that hair , and what it would feel like to have that bare chest against mine . I wanted to shout out to him , and I had some fantasy in my mind that he would hear me calling out to him , ride up and smile at me , and all the pain of the last four years would just melt away with the power of a single kiss , like the one that had caused all of this to begin with . It was like everything would have come full circle then , but I didn 't call out to him , he didn 't ride over to me , and we definitely didn 't kiss each other . No , instead I stared openly at him , and he ignored my existence as usual . We played our game , running up and down the basketball court more times than I cared to count , until the deep orange sun was hanging low in the sky . I was headed home , walking along and enjoying the way the cool spring breeze felt against my tacky skin before I stopped at the drinking fountain for a drink . I saw it out of the corner of my eye first , before my curiosity won out and I lifted my head licking the remaining drops of water from my lips , recognizing his form folded up underneath the same tree we had sat beneath the previous weekend . I turned , heading in the opposite direction of home , all the time wondering why I was going to put myself through this again , until I found myself standing in front of him again . He didn 't notice me with his eyes closed , his head leaning back against the tree , and I watched him , his foot tapping only slightly to the beat of whatever song he was listening to . I decided not to interrupt him , he looked so serene there , and that appealed to me in a way so much greater than the looks I had received the last weekend . He was more than a little startled when he finally did open his eyes and found me sitting there patiently in front of him before the slightest look of confusion was hidden , masked by the steely glare he had perfected . There was the brief moment where he opened his mouth as if he was going to say something to me , probably something equivalent to ' fuck off and die ' ; before he snapped it shut again with determination . Once again we sat there , me watching him , trying to find even the tiniest piece of the Lucas that I had once loved and grab onto it again and never let go , and him , fighting for his life , self defense to the greatest degree . Just as it had the week before , the time came where I had to stand up and leave to go home . I hated that I wasn 't clever enough to have asked my mom if I could skip dinner tonight in case I ran into him again , but I wouldn 't make that mistake again . I hated walking away from him again . He almost smirked , in a gloating manner , when he saw me fidgeting , trying to tell myself that I had to leave and that I was at least trying , even if he refused to talk to me , but I felt the guilt each time I actually stood up and walked away . " I have to go , " I stated clearly , even though I really wanted to sit here for as long as it took , the battle of wills raging on . " Maybe I 'll see you at school , " I offered as I stood up . He didn 't acknowledge me or my previous statement and I was hurting now . It was frustration at first , and then maybe an acceptance or understanding on some level , but as time went on , it just hurt . " Same time next week ? " I asked pulling out the one trump card I had left with a smirk on my face that told him I was only half joking , and then I walked home , alone . By the next weekend I had learned through a sheer determination , that Lucas did in fact still attend the same school as I did , even though I never saw him . I had started looking for him in places I thought he might be , places he could hide . I checked the various groups ; the skater kids , the Goths , the library , the auditorium , and even the band director 's office , anywhere I thought he might be , but I didn 't see him all week . I had been asking people too which earned me some disconcerted and confused looks , I guess that was to be expected though , since for the last four years I had told people to mind their own business or worse whenever they asked me about what had went down between us . But this Saturday afternoon , I decided that I needed to step up my game a little . I arrived at the park around ten that morning , and I passed the basketball courts . The guys asked me to play , they assumed I was there for that like every other Saturday , but today I declined . They were confused , they probably thought I was losing my mind when I walked over to the same tree we had sat beneath the last two weekends and sat down . I left his spot against the tree untouched , and instead , took my regular spot facing him , only since he wasn 't there , I was left to stare at the tree . I sat there , keeping my vigil for hours that afternoon until I heard it , the unmistakable sound of the wheels on the sidewalk . I forced myself not to turn around , no matter how badly I wanted to see the look on his face , but when the wheels stopped just behind me where the grass met the pavement I smiled , only for a second , but I smiled . Not to be outdone , he walked over and tossed his board down on the grass and sat down , leaning back against the tree occupying his normal spot . His eyes caught mine for just a second , as hard as he was trying to pretend I wasn 't there , before he looked away . I watched him and the little nuances that made him Lucas , and I realized that there are some things you can 't stifle , no matter how hard you try . Spring was approaching its ' end , and it was warmer this afternoon than it had been in a long time . The warm breeze blew , circling around us in an effort to remind us that summer was indeed on its ' way . I wondered as I sat there that afternoon , where he spent most of his time , what did he do with his days and nights , and where was he coming from like clockwork every Saturday afternoon before he sat beneath this same tree . I had no right to ask , and I was well aware that if I did , he simply wouldn 't respond so I opted not to upset him any further . He would talk to me when he was ready and not a moment sooner and besides I was curiously waiting to see how he would react when I didn 't get up and leave until he did . I made sure to let my mom know that I would be gone all day and not to expect me for dinner . So I sat there , since ten that morning all alone until he arrived and sat down across from me silently . He seemed to anxiously be waiting for the sun to dip down far enough and for me to stand up and leave him again like I had the past two Saturdays , but that wasn 't going to happen today . I wondered instead , just how long we would sit here , as it grew darker and darker until the night sky was as black as his hair . It was odd , after our eyes adjusted to the darkness , how much we could still really see sitting under the stars . The subtle shadows created from the soft moonlight that cast down on his face were magnificent . We sat there , and it took every fiber of my being not to glance down at my watch . If I had I would have realized that I had been sitting there for almost twelve hours now and it was no wonder that when he finally stood up , reluctantly having to be the one making the move to leave this time , that I almost fell down as I tried to stand up also . His eyes widened a bit , maybe out of shock , maybe out of curiosity , perhaps even worry , I hoped it was worry , but he made no move to help me as I tried to steady myself . Once I was stable and standing on my own without the aid of the tree trunk I had just spent all day with , he walked toward the pavement , skateboard in hand . I followed silently . Two things occurred to me as we approached the front of my house that night . He was making sure I made it home safely , and I wondered to myself when the last time he had seen this side of my house was as I surveyed the front lawn I was supposed to mow tomorrow . When he stopped , I stopped , and I heard him sigh , probably frustrated my unwillingness to give up , and by his inability not to care about me , as much as he tried . I shivered slightly in the cool night air , not wanting him to leave , but knowing it was inevitable at the same time . Finally after what I 'm sure was only a minute or two , even though it felt like an eternity of turbulence in my mind he started to take a step toward my back gate . I assumed he thought he could just go through the gate our dads had put up all those years ago and get home as quickly as possible , helping this night come to an end . " Wait Luke , " I said as I reached out and grabbed his arm to stop him . That earned me an icy glare as he shook my hand off his arm , like my touch was painful to him physically . Maybe that was the cause , or maybe it was how I had called him Luke like I always had while he insisted everyone else call him Lucas . " Sorry , " I sighed , shoving my hands in my pockets in an attempt to show him I wouldn 't try and touch him again . " The gate 's blocked , it has been for years . " I admitted . " I 'll move the stuff tomorrow , " I offered , too little , too late . He dropped his board on the sidewalk , his foot landing atop it as he perched , ready for take off . " Luke , wait , " I almost begged , having so much to say and knowing now was not the time for it , " thanks … for not leaving me back there . " I watched him until he disappeared around the corner before I went inside , exhausted and famished . The next morning I was up bright and early mowing the front lawn , and after I finished , I went into the back yard and made good on my promise to Luke . I cleared away all the stuff I had managed to pile in front of the gate that we had once used several times a day . Once I was able to , I opened the gate , peering into his backyard feeling altogether awkward about doing that since it had been four years since I had seen it last . I didn 't see Lucas that morning as I walked away finally , leaving the gate standing wide open . He was sure to see that though , and would know that I had done what I said I would . Later that afternoon as I was sitting in the living room watching TV I saw some movement in the back yard from the corner of my eye and when I looked over to see what was going on , I saw him . He was standing at the gate , almost refusing to step through it , as he surveyed my backyard again for the first time in a long time before his eyes settled on mine . His expression was unreadable as he looked at me through the large window , and after a few moments he reached out and grabbed the top of the gate , pulling it shut tightly . I didn 't see Lucas all week again , and it wasn 't for a lack of trying either . I had been all over that school and hadn 't found him or even anyone who could tell me where he might be , but I was not going to give up . It 's not like I didn 't know where he lived , and I knew that he at least had to go home at some point . I wondered if he would ever speak to me again , and if he did , what would his first words be after so many years of silence . Granted , those years of silence and solitude were what I had wanted , but now I wanted more . I wanted to apologize , I wanted him to understand that as cliché as it sounded , it wasn 't him , it was me . I wanted him to know that I never meant to hurt him , or to make him feel like he had to be someone he wasn 't . I wanted … forgiveness , assurance that I hadn 't driven the Lucas I once knew and loved away forever . Maybe that sounds selfish , and it probably is . In a way , it sort of let me off the hook , knowing that I wasn 't to blame for all of his recreations . The reality was though , that I was . I was responsible for it all . I was the scared one , the one who was too selfish and too afraid , wrapped up in his own feelings to be honest . I couldn 't accept that I had feelings like that for another boy , let alone admit to myself and accept that I was gay , how then would I be able to make him understand and not hate me . Tomorrow was his birthday , I never forgot it , April 27th , and I secretly wished him a happy birthday every year since the last one we celebrated as best friends . Guys tend to quit having birthday parties as they get older in exchange for hanging out with friends or going somewhere to celebrate , and I had no idea what he had planned for his birthday , but I wasn 't about to miss another one . I had been to the mall , searching for a gift to give him for his birthday , but I quickly realized that I had absolutely no idea what to get him . He had changed so much over the last four years , that I didn 't have a clue what would make a good gift . I refused to settle for something cheap or corny like a CD or a t - shirt , although I was certain I could find something like that he could enjoy , if he would even accept the gift from me at all , but those things , those irrelevant objects that would only reflect the Lucas I had stared at the past three Saturdays weren 't acceptable to me , in fact , they were almost hurtful on some level . I was sitting there on the blanket I had laid down on the ground , the gate held open with a small brick I found lying around the flowerbed in our backyard . The blanket was equally in between both of our yards , and I sat on my side trying not to impose on his space as I waited . I had no idea what his plans were , or if he even planned on coming home at all tonight , but I was fully prepared to sit out there all night if that 's what it took . At some point , while I was scrunching down further into my jacket in an attempt to keep warm , I saw his mom stick her head out the back door . She flashed me a small , understanding smile when she saw me before she retreated back into the warmth of the house , closing the door and leaving the porch light on for me . It was a clear night and the stars that were overhead twinkled in a way that was calming as I sat there waiting for Lucas . I glanced over to my left where the picnic basket I had packed with a small birthday cake and some hot chocolate was still waiting . I decided not to put it all out there at once . I was worried he would think I was trying to buy his forgiveness or guilt him into it , so I just had the small , white square box with the red bow on top placed in front of me and hopefully he would walk out and sit down , and maybe even open it . At around eleven thirty the back porch light shut off and I was beginning to worry . Only a minute later I saw the light flicker on upstairs in his room and his silhouette stride across the room . I only allowed myself to gaze longingly for just a minute before I forced myself to give him some privacy . I wondered to myself if he even knew I was sitting here before allowing myself one more glance at the illuminated window . He was looking down at me through the window as he held the shades back just enough and I found that icy glare I had become so familiar with over the past three weeks when my eyes met his . I looked down again at the box , wishing , hoping that he would come down and sit down with me and I watched dejectedly when I looked up again to find him walking back across his room before I watched the room go dark . I had known it was a possibility , more than a possibility ; it was likely , that he would not come and find me , but I tried to think positively . Another ten minutes passed before I saw the back porch light come on again . It was the longest ten minutes of my life and when he first stepped through the door pulling his own jacket on , I was relieved , but then I quickly decided as he stood there , silent in the night , that maybe he wasn 't going to come over , maybe he was gonna slam the gate in my face instead . I really didn 't know , and any relief I felt when I saw the porch light turn on again or the relief I felt when I saw his face appear out from behind the door was quickly swallowed again by more worry , fear , and anger . I was angry at myself for ever letting it get this far , this out of hand . That has to be the understatement of the century ; I scolded myself , as I focused again on the box in front of me . It was eleven forty - five when I finally saw his feet as he stood in front of the blanket , deciding if he should sit down or tell me to just give it up . Just get over it , realize that he was never going to forgive me or talk to me , never listen to my meager explanation , my poor excuse for the years of heartache , pain , and destruction I had subjected him to . Finally , after gently fingering the red bow on top of the box , I held it out for him . Reluctantly , he took it from where it sat on my open palm , an offering from me , and he acted like he was accepting something tainted . I looked up and found his eyes focused on mine instead of the small box he now held , questioning me . I only allowed myself to plead with him silently , to understand , to open the box , to give me a chance . " I can 't believe you remembered , " he said so softly I almost didn 't hear him . I wanted to scream out that I hadn 't ever forgotten , that I had wished him a year of happiness and strength each birthday I missed , that it almost killed me not to be able to tell him how much I cared for the past four years , but I didn 't . He had come outside and sat down and accepted a gift from me and even spoken , although I was still wondering if his words were meant for me or for himself . Carefully , as if opening the box he held could cause him some harm , he removed the lid . Inside he found a bracelet with a black leather band . The silver face was engraved , etched in black it simply said , TRUTH . He looked up at me confused but it was clear to me that I was offering to give him the truth , if he wanted it , and I would , if he would listen . He lifted the bracelet from where it sat atop a piece of white cotton shaped conveniently to fill the box just to the edges and examined it more closely . He seemed to like the style , or at least I thought so , when I noticed the outer edges of his lips curl up , but that lasted only a second before he remembered where he was . I reached out and gently took it from him , opening the silver clasp that connected the smooth black leather ends before I held it up in a way that made it clear I was offering to put it on him . Eventually he held out his left arm so I could fasten it around his wrist , making sure the word would be upright and clear to him . It fit like a band more than a bracelet as it clung to his skin and left no room to dangle or turn around his wrist . I reached over and grabbed the picnic basket out from behind my side of the fence and he regarded it curiously before I pulled out the cake . It was simple and small , round with white frosting and a black border around the top edge . In the middle I had asked the woman at the bakery to write the word LOVE in red icing and as I placed it in front of him , he seemed frustrated . He looked to me for an explanation , but I couldn 't say anything yet , not for another … ten minutes I realized , as I glanced down at my watch . He let out an exasperated breath before he spoke again . " Love ? " he asked questioningly . " What , you think you … love me ? " he asked in disbelief , trying to figure out what was going on , and my lack of ability to speak all of a sudden was quite frankly beginning to piss him off after the four weeks of almost stalker like behavior that had preceded tonight . " Bullshit ! You don 't even know me anymore , " he said harshly and I flinched because , in a way , he was right . " What the fuck Justin ? I mean we were best friends , best friends , and then you fucking kiss me , and then … you disappear out of my life like nothing fucking happened , and now … now you want me to believe you love me ? " I nodded , it was all true , every stinging word he had just said . This wasn 't going well , but then again he was talking to me , even if it was the harsh reality of our situation being provoked out of him by frustration . I wanted so badly to tell him just how I felt , how sorry I was for letting my fear and hesitation deprive us both of the best friendship I had ever known . " I mean , what 's your deal anyway ? " he demanded . " First you run off , and then you won 't talk to me and then you pretend I don 't even exist , and then after four years , four years Justin , you just show up out of nowhere and expect me to forgive you . What the hell is that ? " Okay so he was upset . That was to be expected , and totally understandable , he was more than justified in his reaction , and it was becoming harder and harder not to tell him right this minute what was going on , but I had to wait … six more minutes . I made a promise to myself and I was going to do this , and hopefully six minutes from now Lucas would understand that . " Whatever . Why don 't you just leave me alone then ? " he asked before answering for me . " Oh right , because you love me , " he said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes . I flinched again , he wasn 't holding back was he ? He stared off into the night , probably wondering why he even came out here in the first place , and I reached up , pointing into the sky at a star . We spent lots of nights looking at the stars together , camping out in the backyard , sure we were going to get to see them up close one day , and secretly wishing on them too , or at least I was . He looked confused , but willingly took the distraction from trying to figure out why I was being so obstinate currently . I used to wish that we would be friends forever , as hard as it is to imagine what forever is when you 're twelve , that I would always have him in my life , that I could love him forever and never be without him . I found out soon enough though , that I was stuck in a broken life and I couldn 't wish it away . My only escape was hiding out , running from him and myself ultimately . I moved the cake out of the way , placing it back in the basket for the moment before I retrieved a card I had made him . It was simple , but I hoped it would prove that I had noticed things about him and how they applied to me and my own life as I sat across from him all those afternoons . It was made of black construction paper and I had glued a red heart , just like the one on his skateboard with the crack running down the center , on the front . On one side of the heart it said Luke and on the other side of the crack it said Justin , but instead of the word MYSTERY , like his skateboard said , it said TRUTH . I handed him the card and he shrugged taking it from me , like maybe it had some answers for him since I was being less than forthcoming currently . I borrowed some song lyrics and used them inside the card since they fit my feelings perfectly . He thumbed the card open and read . " You 're not stupid , " he said adamantly , like he always had before , when he would insist that I not call myself that , and it was about the only time I would ever believe it . It felt so good to hear him tell me that again , and I couldn 't help it when I impulsively threw my arms around him in a hug meant to make up for the last four years of missed hugs . I suddenly retreated back to my side of the blanket though , when I felt his body go rigid against mine , and it occurred to me that maybe he wasn 't okay with me being who I was now , what I was . " Stop crying Justin , " he said almost as if it was not a request and coupled with a sigh of something closely related to aggravation . " What did you mean when you said you loved me ? " I wondered what it was specifically he wanted to hear as I said , " I meant just what I said . I loved you . Seeing you , the way you looked at me with nothing but total appreciation for our differences , the way you weren 't at all afraid of me , you had total trust in me , I loved that . I loved you . " " I don 't understand then , " he admitted . " If you knew I wasn 't afraid of you , that I trusted you no matter what , why ? Why did you run off and not give me a chance to show you that you could trust me , that I loved you too ? " he asked , the years of hurt sounding clearly in his voice . After a minute of careful consideration he said , " You know that 's lame , right ? " as he rolled his eyes at me . I nodded ; I did know it … now . " So what was with all that not talking crap earlier ? I mean I finally come out here and talk to you and then you won 't talk to me ? " " Cake ? " I offered again . " It 's your favorite , or … what used to be your favorite anyway . " I said sheepishly . I felt almost ridiculous not knowing anything that had happened in the last four years or what he liked now or disliked , as he made a face that was challenging . " Carrot ? " I answered , suddenly unsure of what I thought I knew . " Okay , you win this time , and yeah sure , I guess you 're supposed to eat birthday cake on your birthday , even if it is … almost twelve thirty in the morning and it doesn 't even say Happy Birthday on it , " he teased . I pulled out the cake again , blushing this time when I saw the word LOVE , before asking , " Hot chocolate ? " " With carrot cake ? " he questioned . " Maybe afterward , " he smiled . I cut and served two pieces of cake before handing him a plate . " Oh , be careful . The girl at the bakery said the black frosting will turn your mouth black , " I said before he found another reason to be mad at me . I figured he wouldn 't much appreciate walking around for the rest of his birthday with a black mouth , then again , what did I know . " It is ? " I asked , since it seemed like your average carrot cake to me . " Yeah , the way you planned this whole thing … you 're pretty sweet too , " he added , and the way his lips brushed gently across mine , only briefly , left me blushing furiously . I reached up , feeling the place on my lips where his had just touched mine and he laughed gently at my shock before he said , " Eat your cake . " " Well , it 's like a holiday … sort of . I promised myself that I would make it through today in silence , to honor and support tolerance and acceptance , including self - acceptance , and overcoming homophobia and prejudice , and in general , just supporting the right of every human being to be themselves , in peace . Yesterday was the Day of Silence , but for me , it was more . It was my day of reckoning , my day to face up to the person I had wronged so badly for so long , the person I loved , " I admitted . |
Ever since we hung our bird feeder back in August , more and more birds have gathered on our patio for their daily feast . Yesterday , I spotted a new arrival . He was just a tiny thing . Sort of . He was neither long nor tall , but he was so round he looked like a feathery ball that someone had stuck a beak onto one end and tail feathers in the other . His feet were barely noticeable under all his roundness . Like his companions , he hopped and bobbled across the pavers , picking up birdseed as he went . There was something different about him , though . He remained apart from the others as he went about his seed gathering , even venturing close to the house and the glass doors that afforded me this view of backyard wildlife . He seemed rather fearless . Or clueless , perhaps . I couldn 't decide which it was , but he fascinated me just the same . At one point , he flew up and landed on the narrow ledge under one of the kitchen windows just to the side of the sliding glass doors . With his rotund body , there wasn 't nearly enough room for him , and he fluttered frantically to stay in place . After several seconds of this , he landed on the patio , but rather than admit defeat , he merely tried again at the opposite window . He was equally unsuccessful and returned to his previous activity of hopping across the patio . Later that afternoon , I stepped out my front door to locate my children who should have been playing right out front but were nowhere to be seen . ( Turns out they were playing hide - and - seek . Evidently , they are very good at this game . ) I was distracted from my mission , however , by the sight of a bird perched on the side of our fountain . It was the same little round bird ! He hopped around the edge , apparently trying to figure out how to get to the water at the bottom of the bowl without dunking his whole body . I couldn 't help but think that if I were living inside a children 's book , there would be something magical about his bird . Maybe he would talk and reveal some terrible secret , or he would take me on a fantastical adventure that would somehow lead me to a new and profound understanding about myself and this crazy world we live in . Neither of those things happened , of course . Instead , a neighbor kid ran across the lawn in search of a hiding place . He startled the bird , which in turn startled him . My little friend flew off and the magic of the moment disappeared with him . And that was the end of that . With the house still dark and the kids still asleep , I turned on the Christmas tree lights and settled on to the couch to enjoy a few peaceful moments before the hectic pace of a busy day set in . As I sat sipping hot coffee , I heard an unfamiliar bird song . It wasn 't the usual staccato " tweet , tweet " but an actual song , several notes long . I instantly thought of the bird from yesterday and walked to the kitchen to see if he was in the yard . I was disappointed to find only the usual assortment of birds gathered for breakfast . And then , there he was . His little round body was pressed against the wood frame of the glass door . He hopped across the patio , not because my presence had disturbed him , but because it was time to do so according to whatever plan he had made for himself . Now , I don 't have any way of knowing if he was the one to sing me that beautiful song , but I like to think it was . And maybe , just maybe , there is something magical about him after all . Maybe he came to remind me that there is in fact magic all around us , if only we are willing to stop in our tracks long enough to see it . Or maybe he came for no other purpose than to eat as did all the other birds in the yard . Regardless of his reason for being there , I found meaning in those small moments , a gentle reminder of what life is all about . Posted by I am tempted to drop you off in front of the school . Thoughts of all I have to do to get ready for my own class spur me on , and fall has finally appeared , bringing frosty mornings that have banished the too - hot days of summer to distant memory . I remind myself that these moments are precious and fleeting , so I get out of the car that has just begun to take the chill from the air and walk you to class . The cold bites at nose and cheeks , drying my lips while bringing water to my eyes . Your little hand , encased in soft , knitted fingerless gloves , is warm and comforting in mine . We walk mostly in silence , only the music of children playing and the shuffling of your feet on the concrete pathway fill my ears . The hustle of the morning is forgotten as we slowly make our way across the playground , content to spend these few extra minutes together . We can 't stay here , however , lost in the moment of your hand in mine , and the time comes , as it always does , to let you go . I draw your warm not - so - little - anymore body to mine for a hug and a whispered " I love you . " I then turn to make my way back across the playground , this time alone . You don 't know that I turn back around one last time to see you adjust your backpack on your shoulders and gallop toward your room and your familiar routines of which I am not a part . Even after having done this for several years now , there is an ache in me as I leave you there . It is the ache that comes when you leave a part of yourself behind . That is another thing you don 't know . There is a piece of my heart that belongs only to you . It follows you wherever you go . I leave you because I must . I will go about my business as you will go about yours . But all the while , my heart will be anticipating that moment at the end of the day when my eyes will fall upon you and drink you in again , and I will be whole once more . It was one of those moments that moms dread . I was waiting blissfully ignorant outside my son 's classroom door . It was Friday , a minimum day , and the sun was shining . It seemed like a perfect day . Perfect , that is , until his teacher appeared at the door and , as she said goodbye to each student , made eye contact with me and beckoned me with her finger . One look at my son 's face , all thoughts of perfection quickly vanished . As it turned out , it really wasn 't that big of a deal , not to me at any rate . Jack had received a " think sheet " because he had been talking during Read to Self time . His teacher informed me that she had given multiple warnings to the class that there was to be no talking , but Jack continued . I expressed surprise . Jack loves to read , and as I told his teacher , when he 's reading it is very hard to get his attention . I asked if he had been free to get up and move , and she assured me that he was , that he had chosen to remain where he was . For Jack , though , getting a think sheet was akin to the end of the world . Any corrective action is interpreted as " everyone hates me . " There is no talking to him when he gets in one of these moods . As we walked across the playground , he put his head down and tearfully refused to discuss the situation with me . All I wanted to do was assure him that I wasn 't upset with him . I told him I loved him . I tried to hold his hand . Each attempt on my part only made him walk faster , trying to put more distance between himself and me . Frustrated that I had somehow ended up the bad guy in this scenario , I got in the car with him and drove home in silence . Silence gave me time to think , however , and I began to wonder if there was a little bit more to the story . Before leaving for school in the morning , Jack had tucked Bad Kitty Vs . Uncle Murray into his backpack . Only just recently had Jack discovered the Bad Kitty books . Two nights before I had to repeatedly tell him it was time to go to bed . " But I want to read , " he whined . It wasn 't just an attempt to manipulate his book - loving teacher - mother either . He really wanted to keep reading . How do you say no to that ? It was after 9 : 00 p . m . , though , and knowing how difficult he would be to get up in the morning , I did say no . He reluctantly went to his room , telling me that he didn 't want me to rub his back like I usually do . I knew something was up . Sure enough , moments later his father and I could hear him laughing from down the hall as he continued to read his book . Bad Kitty had been his constant companion ever since . When he wasn 't reading it , he was talking excitedly about it . Which made me wonder : Had he been talking during Read to Self time or had he been sharing his book with his friends ? Once he calmed down , I asked him if he had been reading Bad Kitty in class . He admitted he had been and that he had been reading it to his friends . Don 't get me wrong , I fully support Jack 's teacher 's decision to have him fill out the " think sheet . " He and I will talk about the importance of following directions , of being respectful , and of not distracting others during reading time . But I started asking my teacher - self some hard questions . Have I made reading solely a solitary act ? Do the practices of my classroom support the natural inclinations of 8 - year - olds and encourage a love of reading ? Several years ago I made the conscious decision to make sure that independent reading time was scheduled on a daily basis . I begin each year by going over expectations and having my students practice for increasingly extended amounts of time , building stamina . One of the expectations , of course , is that there is no talking . I have always felt such a sense of accomplishment when my class can sit and read for 20 to 30 minutes at a time . I also have changed my routines so that I now begin each day with a read - aloud . I talk up books and reading every chance I get , and I am thrilled when I see students ' growing stacks of books on their desks and their choosing to read whenever they have a free moment . I do give my students opportunities to read together , but the truth is , when I do , it is an assigned story with an assigned purpose . I am dismayed by the realization that I never give them an opportunity to simply share what they are reading with one another . There is no time in our day when a student can simply lean over to a neighbor and say , " Hey , listen to this ! " I picture the multiple desks with their stacks of Wimpy Kid books . How many of those students would like to share their reading with each other ? How many more kids would get interested in reading the books if they were given a chance to hear parts of them read aloud by an enthusiastic peer ? I want so much for all of my students to fall in love with reading . Thinking of Jack 's excited voice repeating the exploits of Bad Kitty , it occurs to me that I have an invaluable resource in my classroom that I have failed to tap into . I can go on forever about books and how much I love reading , but no doubt my students think that because I 'm a teacher of course I love reading . How much more powerful for students to see and experience the enjoyment that other students get out of it ! I can 't help but think too about my own independent reading practices . Most of my reading is indeed a solitary act . However , when I am reading something that really speaks to me , I often will read part of it aloud to my husband , often interrupting his own reading . It 's just too good not to share . It 's kind of like watching a movie by yourself . Isn 't it much more enjoyable when you have someone to laugh out loud with ? A couple of days ago I went to have my hair cut and highlighted as I do every 8 weeks . I decided to have my hair stylist use only red for the highlights . Usually I just have a few red pieces mixed in with brown and blonde , but I was in one of those moods where I crave change without knowing exactly what I want that change to be . Years ago when I was in my 20 's and working for a financial consulting firm in Santa Barbara ( so long ago now that I frequently refer to it as a previous life ) , I had a hair stylist who urged me to go red . I wasn 't into coloring my hair at the time , so I never did it . Feeling a bit bold , now felt like a good time to try it . Later that afternoon my 7 - year - old son came home from school and launched into a story . About midway through it he finally looked at me , really looked at me , and scrunched up his face like he had just seen the most hideous sight ever . " What did you do to your hair ? " he asked . " I don 't like it . " After this heartwarming declaration , he immediately got up off the couch and proceeded upstairs , getting as far away from me as he possibly could . Hmmm , maybe the red wasn 't such a good idea after all . After spending some time in front of the mirror , I began to think I rather agreed with him . Maybe the red was a little too much . In my early 20 's it might have worked . In my late 40 's , not so much . I looked . . . old . That definitely was not the look I was going for . But I can 't say I am really upset about it . Live and learn , right ? I had finally done what I had thought about doing for years , decades even . So what if it had turned out to be a mistake ? Mistakes will be made . Mistakes should be made . Because then you know at least you tried . I am forever telling my students , particularly when it comes to math problem solving , to try something . So many just sit there and stare at the page , frozen with uncertainty . How many times have I done the same when faced with real life problems ? The truth is , though , as long as you sit motionless and in a state of panic or , worse , a state of apathy , there will be no solution . Solutions very rarely , at least in my experience , just magically appear before you . You have to try something first . And yes , that first attempt very well may turn out to be a mistake . You may come up with a ridiculously wrong answer or walk around with ridiculously red hair , but at least you tried something . Now you know one thing that doesn 't work . If you think about it , finding what doesn 't work isn 't really a mistake at all . It is simply a step forward . When we met with the pastor to discuss Dad 's service , he said that he would give people the opportunity to come up and speak . I knew I wanted to say something , but I didn 't know what or if I would be able to . I woke up at 3 : 30 a . m . on the day of his funeral , and words kept flowing through my mind . At 5 : 00 , I decided to get up and write them down . What follows is what I wrote that morning and , thankfully , was able to share with all who had gathered to pay their respects to a great man , Jack Burns , my father . Those who know me well know I have a bad habit . Actually , I have quite a few , but the one to which I am referring is my tendency to let four - letter words fly on occasion . Those who know my family well also know where I most likely acquired that habit : Dad . Lately though , there was a particular four - letter word Dad liked to use . That word I can use in front of all of you . It was " love . " When it came time to leave after a visit , I would give him a hug goodbye , and he would say , " I love you . " When I would call and talk to Mom , he could be heard in the background telling her to tell me he loved me . She would relay back to him that I said I loved him too , and he would respond , " Good . " The thing is , Dad wasn 't telling me anything I didn 't already know . I don 't remember the words being used a lot while I was growing up , but Dad told me he loved me all the time . He said " I love you " when I was a little girl and he taught me to read simple words in the newspaper he was reading . He said " I love you " when he came to school performances and listened to me screech my way through a song on the violin . He said " I love you " when he rushed to my side , white as a sheet , when I broke my leg in the 8th grade . He said " I love you " when he supported my decision to go to college , crying as he left his baby girl so many miles from home and beaming four years later when I received my diploma . He said " I love you " when he walked me down the aisle and later when he held each of my sons , Jared and Jack , in his arms . He said " I love you " every time he made me call when I got home after visiting so he knew I had arrived safely . And he said " I love you " when he wished me a happy birthday every year at exactly 9 : 05 a . m . , the time I was born . No , he didn 't need to say he loved me . He had already shown me a million times ; there was never a doubt in my mind . It was that same love that Dad felt for all of us , Mom especially , that kept him going . It gave him the strength he needed to keep fighting even when the simplest of tasks became a struggle . In the end , Dad proved just how powerful love can be . I will be eternally grateful that [ my sister ] Katie urged me to come home last Friday . Those last two days were extremely hard , but I am so glad I was here to help take care of Dad and to simply hold his hand . It wasn 't much , but I hope he heard loud and clear what I was trying to say : " I love you , too , Dad . " I sit and wait . What I am waiting for exactly , I do not know . No , that is not true . I just don 't want to be waiting for it , so I push it as far away from me as I can and pretend it isn 't lurking around some not - too - distant dark corner of my future . Tears gather but I force them back , telling myself to save them for later when I will really need them . And need them I will . There will be dark days ahead , filled with a heavy silence that the world will never quite be able to drown out . There will be an emptiness . No one else will see it , but I know it will be there , and I will carry it around with me the rest of my days . I remember when my oldest sister died . It 's been almost 25 years , but those moments live on inside my mind . My parents , brother - in - law , brother and sisters , and I were all at the hospital . Waiting . Waiting for what we did not want to happen , hoping , praying that by some miracle it would not happen . I recall the nurse saying , " She has a strong heart . " Even though she worked in the medical profession , I do not believe she was referring to the organ beating rhythmically inside my sister . Cindy was strong , determined , a fighter , and not ready to leave us . So we waited . Helplessly , we waited , like unwilling witnesses to a natural disaster , wanting to intervene but completely powerless to do so . I 'm ashamed to admit , at some point I just wanted the waiting to be over . And then it was . In the final moments , we knew the fight was over . As the monitor broadcast her decreasing heart rate , I walked to her side , touched her hand , and said goodbye . Then I walked out of the room . I couldn 't bear to see her go . I wasn 't prepared for the silence that followed . That heavy , suffocating silence that comes when your world has irrevocably changed . You sense that life is going on around you , but you can 't feel it or make sense of it . It 's like in the movies when the only thing in focus is the character and everything around them becomes blurry and distorted . Instinctively , you move through your days , responding to people in what you hope to be an appropriate manner . But you are so hollow inside that nothing really sinks in , nothing fills you up , and you believe nothing ever will . Truth is , you are right . There is a part that will remain forever empty . Today , I am there again . Waiting . Waiting for words I do not want to come . Waiting for a goodbye that I will not be able to bear . I don 't know when it 's coming . It may be months for all I know . But it 's coming . Another natural disaster that I am powerless to stop . Only this time I know what will follow . So wait I will , and save my tears for another day . Which is strange because just yesterday I was awakened before dawn by the sound of raucous meowing . Just yesterday I stroked soft fur covering a little bony body while I spoke gentle words of comfort . Yesterday , I helped my husband guide an apparently disgruntled creature with sharp claws into a cat carrier . And even today , I find cat hair on blankets and floors , and there 's still that little dirty spot on the rounded corner of the bathroom wall that she liked to rub against . A food bowl sits empty on the laundry room floor waiting to be filled . I can 't say it was a shock when my husband called from the vet 's office yesterday afternoon to say that Adele 's kidneys were failing along with a host of other problems and the vet suggested we have her put to sleep . I had known it was coming . We both had . Or perhaps I should say all three of us had . Adele hadn 't been herself lately , jumping up on tables she had never thought to jump on before , following us into rooms but then sitting with her back turned to us like she was in some self - imposed time - out , curling up on the pillow next to the head of my sleeping child instead of staying in her usual spot at the foot of the bed . My husband joked that she was crossing off items on her bucket list . Maybe she was . There are truths in life that we accept intellectually , but when we are actually confronted by those truths we find ourselves emotionally ill - equipped to deal with them . My husband asked me what I thought we should do . Neither one of us wanted to be the one to make the decision . So we talked around it for a few minutes , silently praying that the other one would be brave enough to say what we both knew needed to be said . In the end , I don 't think either one of us said it . It was just understood . At the time , I thought it was the right thing to do . Now I have moments when I 'm not so sure . I didn 't want her to suffer , but I wonder if she wouldn 't have preferred to be at home . I know that is what I would want for myself . To be surrounded by my own things and my own people . To be where all that really matters lives . I am comforted by the thought that my husband , the one who brought her into our home all those years ago , was with her at the end . As painful as all that was , the hardest part was having to tell our children . They had known Adele all their lives . She was as much a part of the family as any human relative . How could we explain that she was no more ? I took them to their martial arts class knowing that when we returned their father would be home and we would have to tell them . We agreed to one little white lie : We would tell them that she had died at the veterinarian 's office but not that we had had her put to sleep . Death is understandable , euthanasia a little less so when you are 11 and 7 . We pulled into the driveway and , upon seeing their father 's car in the driveway , my older boy , Jared , called out , " Daddy 's home ! " Then he said , " Adele 's home ! " I couldn 't speak . I suspect he knew something was up because he repeated , " Adele 's home ! " Still I said nothing . As we walked up to the front door , my younger son repeated the story of something Adele had done that morning and told me , " She better not do that again ! " No , she won 't , I thought , and hoped that he wouldn 't feel bad later for having said those words . There was stunned silence when my husband first told them . Jared stood stoically until I took him in my arms . Even then he cried silently . Jack was confused at first , asking if she was going to be okay , then finally realizing that he was never going to see his cat again . That 's when the tears started . I told him it was okay , to which he wisely responded that it wasn 't . His grief broke my heart even further . As I watched him lying on the couch crying , I couldn 't help but wonder how he would handle it when the loss was even greater . Intellectually , he knows death exists . Emotionally , the experience of losing someone he loves is like an unexpected round kick to the heart . How will he handle the deaths that lie before him ? How will any of us ? The amazing thing is we will . Our world will be a little quieter , a little sadder perhaps . But we will get through it . We will find reasons to smile and to laugh and to wonder again . We spent some time last night going through boxes of old photographs , hunting for pictures of Adele . It turned into a wonderful trip back in time to when our life as a family was just beginning . We found several pictures of Adele , in many of which she is lying next to Maslow , who died 7 years ago . And I smiled , thinking that they were back together again , napping peacefully in a spot of sunshine . Or , See , wasn 't that easy ? How many times have I uttered those words ? Probably more than I realize because honestly , I never gave much thought to what I was actually saying . Most likely I intended the words to be encouraging . Now , I 'm not so sure that they are . Last week , my younger son Jack was testing for his new belt rank in martial arts . For the test , the kids had to do a stick pattern called " windmill . " It was similar to another pattern they had previously learned , but just different enough to be confusing to his young mind . It was beyond confusing to my not - so - young mind . I watched intently in class so that I might help Jack practice at home , but I just couldn 't get it . Neither could he . We had two days to practice before the test . But how do you practice something you don 't know how to do ? We had an idea of what it was supposed to look like but lacked all the intricate details . I instructed my boys to practice the best they could anyway . Needless to say , Jack wasn 't thrilled and did his best to whine his way out of it . At his brother Jared 's urging , however , he stuck with it . He kept getting stuck at one particular point . One of his sticks must have been in the wrong position because every time he did the second move he ended up hitting himself . We were all pretty certain that wasn 't supposed to happen . Finally , Jack dashed downstairs to tell me he and his brother had figured it out and commanded me to come back upstairs and watch him . Sure enough , he was no longer his own worst enemy . We were making progress ! The day of the test came much too quickly . The first part of class was spent reviewing , and Jack 's instructor worked with him on his windmill . Jack was still having trouble , but slowly began to get the hang of it . That 's when his instructor said to him , " It 's easy , " words that I have said myself numerous times , but this time , hearing them spoken by someone else , and directed to my child , they stopped me cold . As Jack 's mother , I had seen him try and try again and just not be able to get the hang of it . It was decidedly NOT easy . I couldn 't help but think , what message do we send a child who has struggled to grasp a skill or concept when we say that it is easy ? If it 's easy , then the kid must be pretty stupid to not have gotten it sooner , right ? I know that that is not what Jack 's instructor meant , and I don 't even think Jack took it that way . I know I have certainly never meant it that way . But that was the unspoken message I sensed lurking beneath those innocuous words . Sure , it is easy when you 've done it a million times . Just like fractions and long division and inferring and writing complete sentences are easy for me . ( Yes , I realize I do not always write in complete sentences ! ) Perhaps the problem is that we have so much experience that we have forgotten what it is like to know nothing and to be learning something for the first time . It seems to me , though , that when we say something that a child has struggled with is easy , we diminish their hard work and perseverance . They then become words of discouragement rather than the words of encouragement we intend them to be . With the current emphasis on close reading , I have been looking for opportunities to have my third graders reread texts to answer questions using text evidence . Ever since reading Falling in Love with Close Reading by Christopher Lehman and Kate Roberts , I have been trying to do more than just have students point to a place in the book where they found the answers to questions I ask . I was really struck by the idea that students should look at texts through particular " lenses , " examine the details they find for patterns , and use those patterns to create understanding . On several occasions , I have had students work together to find evidence that would help them to answer questions that they themselves had formulated about characters , plot , and author 's craft . Sometimes we were successful , sometimes not so much . A couple of weeks ago , we read The Garden of Abdul Gasazi , written by Chris Van Allsburg . It is one of the few stories in our basal that I truly like and feel lends itself to rich discussion . One of the things I love about this book is that it requires students to pay close attention to the details to decide whether Gasazi , a retired magician , actually turned Fritz the dog into a duck or if it was all just a trick . It seemed like the perfect opportunity to put our close reading skills to work . My students already had read the story and had pretty much decided what they thought had happened . I began by asking them to stand on one side of the room if they thought Gasazi had actually turned Fritz into a duck or stand on the opposite side if they thought it was just a joke Gasazi had played on Alan . My class this year surprised me . In previous years , most students believed that Fritz was really turned into a duck . The majority of this class , however , believed that it had been a trick . ( My class is pretty respectful of authority , so I suspect when Miss Hester told Alan it had been a trick , they simply accepted it as fact . ) I told my students that they needed to prove that they were right by finding text evidence that supported their point of view . What could be more motivating than proving you 're right ? Students partnered up and immediately began rereading the story and writing down details . Not long after they got started digging for evidence , two of my girls rushed up to me and excitedly inquired if they could switch to the other side of the room . They explained that they had found evidence that convinced them that Fritz had indeed been transformed into a duck . I quickly assured them that they could change their position . They happily sat down and continued their work , while I celebrated in my head that their closer examination of the text had led to new understanding . All around the room , students were working diligently searching for proof that they were right . I listened in as partners discussed what they had found , what it meant , and if it supported their position or not . Not once did I have to redirect a student who had gotten off - task . Once students had had enough time to gather evidence , I called everyone together and had them share out their findings , which I recorded on a chart . After looking at the evidence , we evaluated the quality of each argument . Even those who did not agree that Fritz was ever really a duck could see that there was plenty of evidence to suggest otherwise . In the end , the class decided the author had not made it clear on purpose . When I asked my students why they thought that was , one student offered that he thought the author wanted us to go back and reread the story to figure it out . And although everyone still did not agree whether it had been a trick or not , there was consensus that it was an entertaining , well - written story , and one worth looking at more closely . A funny thing happened yesterday . I was talking to my mom on the phone , as I try to do every weekend . ( No , that 's not the funny part . ) Halfway through our conversation , I heard my dad in the background telling my mom something , but I couldn 't make out the words . When she relayed to me that he said I should blog about buying my first car , I was stunned . I couldn 't possibly have heard her correctly . First of all , I didn 't know my 86 year - old dad knew I had a blog . Hell , I didn 't know he even knew what a blog was ! But stranger still was the fact that last summer I had written about that very topic , although I had never shared it . What on earth had made him think of that ? And why now ? This last month has been a difficult one for me , one in which giving up has appeared to be the only viable option . Unknowingly , with his out - of - the - blue suggestion that sent me back to this piece of writing , my dad gave me just the encouragement I needed to keep on going . So , Dad , this one 's for you . I was 25 when I bought my first new car . It was kind of a strange time in my life . I had graduated from college but still didn 't know what I wanted to do with my life . ( To be honest , I still am not entirely sure about that one . ) I had fallen hopelessly in love right before graduation , which had probably convoluted the whole what - am - I - going - to - do - with - my - life scenario . But alas , the relationship had fallen apart , I was working for a financial consulting firm , and I was living alone in a tiny , run - down studio apartment in an iffy neighborhood hundreds of miles away from family . What does this have to do with my car ? Perhaps nothing . Perhaps everything . I was at that proverbial crossroads and seeking to gain control of a life I was beginning to suspect I had little control over . What better way to convince yourself that you are master of your universe than to spend several thousand dollars you don 't have ? The car I settled on was a 1992 Toyota Paseo . Medium red pearl was the color . ( Funny the things you remember . ) She was a beauty , and the closest I was going to get to a sports car on my budget . I absolutely loved that car and still get misty whenever I see one to this day . There was just one little problem with my beloved car . It had a manual transmission . And I had never driven a stick - shift in my life . Now , I could have bought one with an automatic transmission , but that didn 't fit my " vision . " If I was going to drive a sporty car , then by God , it was going to be a stick ! The salesman actually gave me a quick lesson , I signed the paperwork , handed over what little money I had , and the deal was done . By some miracle I was able to drive it back to my parents ' house . When I jerked my shiny new car to a stop in their driveway , they must have thought I was the biggest idiot ever to buy a car I couldn 't drive . I give them props for not saying anything to that fact . At least not to me anyway . I spent the next few hours practicing driving around the neighborhood . It wasn 't pretty . For some reason , I just could not get the hang of it . Seeing as how I am not the most coordinated person in the world , this should not have come as a surprise . But to me it did . In school , learning new things hadn 't been hard for me . They weren 't always easy ( especially math ) , but I was able to get through - - no , be successful - - without too much strain . Now I was in a situation where I was on the hook for thousands of dollars for the next five years , and if I couldn 't get the hang of this " ease up on the gas , put in the clutch , shift , ease up on on the clutch , and smoothly accelerate " dance , I was screwed . I 'd like to say that I mastered it that weekend , but I can 't . It seemed hopeless . To make matters worse , I had to be at work Monday , and work was in Santa Barbara , a 5 - hour drive away . So , there was only one thing to do . My dad had to drive me . So much for independence and mastering my universe . For the next week , a friend drove me to and from work , while my boyfriend ( new guy , not the one I fell hopelessly in love with ) gave me driving lessons at night . Slowly , I got the hang of it until I finally acquired enough ability to get from point A to point B . It still felt awkward , though , and took tremendous amounts of concentration and effort . In short , driving my new lovely car wasn 't so lovely . I am not sure how long this went on . I do remember one humiliating occasion of being unable to get my car in the right gear in the parking lot at work while a coworker waited impatiently behind me . But mostly I remember the day I was driving home from work , and coming off the freeway , it all seemed to click into place . I didn 't think to check the rear view mirror , but if I had , I 'm pretty sure I would have seen a light bulb over my head . What hadn 't made sense before , made sense . What hadn 't worked , worked . It was like my mind and my body had finally decided to work together and stop fighting each other . Thinking about it even now , I am pretty sure I can hear angels singing . It was the most sublime a - ha moment of my life . There are a few lessons I am sure can be learned from this experience . Everyone has things they are good at and learning comes easily , and everyone has things that are difficult for them . When learning something new , you sometimes are going to have to persevere through the struggle before you get it . Everyone learns at their own pace . These are important lessons , ones I need to keep in mind as I help my students learn and as I watch my own children grow through the experiences of their lives . These are important lessons . My take - away , however , is a little different and a little more personal . When I think about this particular event in my life , I marvel at the shear gumption I displayed . I knew what I wanted and I wasn 't about to let anything , not even lack of skill , stand in my way . I fought hard to make it happen . And I triumphed . That moment sticks in my head when so many other memories have faded from view . Why ? Not just because it was a moment of success , but because it was a moment of success following failure . I refused to be beaten and took control . Some would say it was a stupid move to buy that car . I say it was bold . And a move that led to one of my proudest moments . The lessons my children teach me . . . My older son is in sixth grade . Like most moms , I have a hard time believing how quickly time has passed to change my sweet little boy into a preteen . In many ways I don 't feel ready to be the mother of a middle schooler , but since I don 't have a choice in the matter , I 'm learning to accept it . Although he 's not perfect , I can honestly say he 's a good kid . He doesn 't cause any serious trouble , and overall he does well in school . Every week , Jared 's teacher sends home a progress report via email , listing the assignments and grades earned so far for the trimester . As I scanned the list yesterday I noticed a few low grades , including a couple that were 50 % . She noted that the grades had been reduced because the assignments were turned in late . This has been an issue with him before , and it was discussed at his parent - teacher conference in the fall and has been many times since . He is horribly unorganized and quite forgetful , a nightmare for both teacher and parent . Just this morning , right after telling me he had band today , he walked out the door without his clarinet . He does this kind of stuff all . the . time . As you have probably guessed , it drives me crazy . The lecture never came though , as a funny little thought popped in my head : " So what ? " He got a C on a paragraph about some randomly assigned " Person of the Week . " So what ? He earned a B or better on the others . He earned a score of 50 % on a science assignment that he turned in late . So what ? He later earned an A on the test . As I said earlier , overall he does well in school . He always has . I know that he is a bright kid . It suddenly occurred to me that what I was upset about was the fact that he wasn 't doing everything perfectly . My husband and I took a Love and Logic parenting class last year and one of the ideas that really stood out to me was to let your children make small mistakes now when the consequences aren 't too serious . Making mistakes is how we learn . If children are micromanaged and never allowed to make mistakes , and experience the consequences , they won 't know how to operate in the adult world . I can 't someday send my child off to college if he has never learned to be in charge of his own learning . He doesn 't need to have his mother hover over him , making sure that everything is done just right so he can earn a bunch of A 's on his report card . Instead , he needs to learn that if he doesn 't organize his materials , complete assignments , and turn them in on time , he is not going to be successful . This is the life lesson that will have lasting meaning . Straight A 's aren 't always an indication of learning . Sometimes the C 's , D 's , and F 's represent a much more valuable lesson learned . As I thought about my own children and my expectations for them , I wondered how often we teachers expect the children in our classrooms to be perfect . And what do we look at to determine their level of perfection ? A bunch of numbers dutifully recorded in our grade books ? Score reports from standardized tests ? Do we demand that they do everything perfectly every time ? Is this truly what education is all about ? Undeniably the pressure is there for us to ensure our students are successful . But is that what the data really illustrate ? The fact is my son is not a collection of data . He is a complete human being . He goes out of his way to thank a ride operator at Disneyland for letting us ride twice after a mix - up when getting on . He holds doors open for others . If he has a question , he confidently asks those who might have an answer . He doesn 't understand why the kids at his school can 't play tag , so he is questioning those in charge and has started a petition to get the rule changed . He worries about our cat who was just diagnosed with diabetes and makes sure we have given her her insulin . He cares about his elderly grandparents and truly enjoys visiting them . He fights like crazy with his little brother , then holds his hand when walking through parking lots . He reads and reads and reads , sometimes needing to be reminded to get out of the car because he is lost inside another story . teach a lesson , math seemed … dare I say it ? … fun . That was not a word I often associated with math . I grew up a bookworm and majored in English approach that I didn 't enjoy . What I noticed when I observed Janelle 's lesson was that all the students were actively engaged , something I 'm afraid wasn 't always happening when I taught math . Fortunately for me , this year Janelle , with the support of two of her coaches in math , but I find that I use them all day long . Now , even correcting homework is something that everyone actively participates in . The benefit is that I get a better feel for how well every off - task . Yesterday was a perfect example of how this strategy can have an impact on student learning . One of my students has great difficulty staying focused for any length of time and is often lost and confused as a result . We recently started studying geometry , and my lesson was on polygons . Students had to learn the definition of a polygon as well as the names and definitions of different polygons . Because students were constantly active , looking at examples and non - examples to come up with a definition , drawing their own examples , and responding to questions in a variety of ways , this particular student had no difficulty staying actively engaged in the lesson . It was a win for him because he was able to learn the content , and it was a win for me because I didn 't have to constantly redirect him . Both he and I were able to walk away from that lesson feeling energized and confident . I am a 3rd grade teacher who has been teaching since 1995 . I am also a wife and mother to two wonderful boys . Being mid - career and mid - life , I find myself wanting to stretch myself both personally and professionally . Not sure where my journey will take me , but no doubt there will be many lessons to learn along the way . |
Every once and a while we tried to talk to dad about moving out of his house . Whenever we brought it up , he 'd end the conversation almost before it began . He was adamant : he was going to stay in his house and he was going to be fine . When we finally did have a conversation about it , it was too late . My brother asked dad if he 'd ever consider selling his house to live somewhere smaller … a place a little easier to deal with . This time , his face brightened when my brother posed the question , which surprised me - surprised all three of us . He agreed right away and said he had a great idea . We looked at each other sideways , trying not to make direct eye contact . This seemed a little too good to be true . Here 's what his plan consisted of : he 'd sell his house and use the money to buy an apartment house . He 'd live in one of the apartments , and HE , ( the ninety - four - year - old with dementia , ) WOULD BE THE MANAGER OF THE WHOLE PLACE . When he was in his fifties , he 'd been involved in building a small apartment house as well as some condominiums . So dad knew some things about rentals and construction . My brother , to his credit , calmly asked what dad would do if someone 's washing machine broke down . My father simply said he 'd call the repairman - a perfectly logical reply . The problem being that at this point dad really couldn 't figure out how to use a phone , let alone find a phone number , or read one for that matter . The conversation quickly deteriorated . It was clear we weren 't going to have a rational conversation about dad moving anywhere . We knew we weren 't going to be able to come up with a plan and talk it over with him . Our hearts sank . We couldn 't keep him safe any longer . Yes it was about his safety , but it had gotten to the point where we finally , clearly saw that his behavior could potentially cause serious harm to others . This had been true for some time … but one last incident finally made it clear to all of us . It would of course be a tragedy if dad was injured , but if someone else - a caregiver , or a stranger was injured because of dad 's erratic behavior ? - No . That 's when I knew in my heart that even though the thought of moving him out of his home was heart wrenching , the risk of leaving him there was clearly worse . This was the first time I was faced with a problem where I could only find heartbreak - as hard as I looked there was no light in the tunnel we were approaching . The last straw came one day when he and his caregiver were waiting at a busy intersection . By this time , his vision was all but gone , and his hearing was not much better . He began to step into the street and she tried to stop him . He refused to wait ; he hated being told what to do and stepped right in front of a moving car . Miraculously , the car was able to stop , and no one was hurt . For this dedicated and loyal young woman , this was the end : she knew she couldn 't keep him safe . It was too dangerous for everyone . He 'd done a lot of crazy , dangerous things before this … we all knew our luck , our time , had simply run out . People told us not to discuss it with him … that it was too late . So we did not speak of it to him beforehand … at all . It was crushing to consider doing it this way : move him from his home of sixty years without telling him ? Without notice ? Just drop him off somewhere ? All of the reasons they gave us made sense … intellectually : the trauma of the conversation could send him into who - knows - what kind of behavior - yes , that was true ; my main concern was that he would just up and run - away . He was strong , healthy and walked a couple of miles every day . I could see him deciding to just head out to some place else and getting lost … injured … or worse . By this time , none of us were living near him . We were left with planning this momentous , life - changing , life - shattering move … over the phone . My sister now was the closest , living just north of the Bay Area . She 'd gone down to L . A . to look at some possibilities and then I flew down to look at them with her . It was staggeringly impossible to imagine him living in any of the places we looked at . We finally chose a place , and honestly , it was only because oddly enough we 'd just learned that our aunt … dad 's " baby " sister was also moving into a residential facility . We gave in , to what we knew to be false reasoning : " If they 're moving her there … maybe it will be fine for dad . " We knew it wasn 't true … but honestly we had no other feasible options . We had somehow convinced the management to actually give us an entire week ahead of the date of dad 's move - in . After being faced with 48 - hour deadlines , this suddenly seemed to be a luxurious amount of time . Back up north at my home , I paced back and forth with thoughts churning around and around in my mind - " How could we NOT tell him ? How could I not tell him ? How could I show up at his house with this plan all ready to go and just drop him off with no explanation ? " The thought of it made me sick to my stomach . I knew what that house meant to him ; knew what his independence meant to him . Over time , we 'd already slowly but surely gotten him to allow caregivers first to visit every day , and eventually he allowed them to stay with him around the clock . Between the incredible creativity of two dedicated young women , and with help from each of us kids , we 'd been able to extend the time he was in his home - but that time was over . We all knew it . As I prepared to make the heartbreaking journey back down to Los Angeles , I took to talking it all out with dad - in my mind . It wasn 't even a conscious decision ; it was just all I could do . I told him everything … why we 'd finally come to the decision , where he 'd be living , what it was like , the good , the bad … I just kept talking to him . Over and over that week as I wrestled with it all , I begged whoever might be listening , to somehow help this stubborn old man know that we were plain out of options . I arrived on a Saturday , joining my brother and sister at dad 's house . We planned to move him on Monday . He was no fool - even if he did have dementia - he knew we were up to something . It was rare that the three of us ever showed up at the same time . What we were up to was that we had come to move him : out of his home and into Assisted Living , but not any Assisted Living . We had to move him into a place that was termed " Secure " , meaning a place where basically , he 'd be a prisoner . He would be locked in : he wouldn 't be able to get out without assistance from the staff or someone in his family . It was Sunday now . Dad and I sat on the couch next to each other , the couch that had been his domain every evening when he came home from work , and now at age 94 and after sixty years , it was where my father spent most of his waking hours . The couch had always been his couch … mom and we three kids had to make due with the loveseat and whatever other seating was available , so it was with some sense of honor and also a bit of trepidation that I found myself sitting next to him . The weather was uncharacteristically gentle ; soft early - afternoon light came through the three windows just above my father 's small world , there on that sofa . It was warm enough that the front door was open and cool enough that there was no need for air conditioning . A quiet breeze inhaled and exhaled through the screen door . My brother and sister were off running errands , so we had this time together . We sat there and for some reason , we were silent . As a young man , as the man of the house , he developed a whole routine that he went through every single night before he went to bed . He 'd start with latching the chain on the front door and then he 'd turn off the porch light . Then the swish of the curtains closing , next he 'd pull the shades down . Moving into the kitchen he 'd turn off the light , cut across the dining room then head down two steps into the den that he helped build onto the back of the house in the ' 60 's . He 'd lock the back door , check that all the windows were closed and locked and then pull the curtains . Turning off the living room lights as he passed them , he made his way to his bedroom . Every night for most of his adult life he 'd made sure we were all safe , and now , even thinking about it … it was " too much " . Somehow it had happened , after all . It seemed that he 'd been able to hear the truth that I 'd been speaking to him from my cabin far away . He knew it was time . And even though by the next day , the day we were to move him , he would have forgotten all of what we 'd just spoken , I knew that somewhere in his heart he 'd heard that truth , and , that he was ready . I also knew that he forgave me , forgave us . Still , I knew that tomorrow was going to be the most excruciating day of my life , of all our lives . Our " story " was that we needed to move him out temporarily in order to do the repairs on the house . Recently there 'd been a leak in the bathroom that had overflowed into the hallway . Water on the old hardwood floors beneath the wall - to - wall carpeting had caused those extremely dry pieces of oak flooring to buckle . It was just one more possibility for dad or someone else to get hurt . It was our " story " … and we loved that there was actually some truth to it . In the end , it didn 't change anything about how it all went … but somehow that little bit of truth made the bitter pill of the rest of the untruths a little easier to swallow . My job on our moving team was coming up with a floor plan . How could we fit his favorite furniture … his old friends … into his room in a way that would yield him comfort , familiarity , and also be open enough so that he would not trip and fall ? In his own home , he knew the layout of his furniture like the back of his hand . A new place would be one big " tripping hazard " . I measured the furniture we chose and drew it out on graph paper . It was a wonderful mental distraction . Our plan was that my sister and I would take dad out to lunch , and the new restaurant we 'd " found " was actually the dining room of the Assisted Living residence . While we were eating , and taking our sweet time of it , our brother was directing a moving company to pick up the appointed furniture from dad 's house and place it in his new room according to my floor plan . And then , my brother was going to join us for the rest of our meal . It sounds insane now as I write it - it also sounded insane as we planned it . How does the saying go ? " Desperate times call for desperate measures . " We tried to make the best out of our act of complete tyranny . But we all knew that whatever our best was - it was going to be heart crushing . It was getting to be late in the afternoon . Dad had impeccable sensitivity to the sun 's movement toward the ending of daylight and was getting antsy . He wanted to leave and go home . That 's when my brother broke the news to him . " No dad , it 's really nice . It 'll be much nicer here . They 'll be running saws and hammering at your house . It 's gonna be a mess over there . Let 's go see where you 'll be staying . " We were running out of time … out of daylight . His macular degeneration meant that when he looked out on the world it was always kind of dim . Now , with the sun preparing to set , in his world it was close to dark . He also experienced what 's called " Sundowner 's Syndrome " which causes people to become quite anxious and fearful as nightfall approaches . With the combination of his failing vision and Sundowner 's , on top of his wanting to JUST GO HOME , he was beginning to look and behave like a trapped wild animal . He got up to leave the table , but he didn 't know where to go . He couldn 't see how to get out . My brother again attempted to reason with him . They moved out into the courtyard . He was trying to show dad what a nice " backyard " they had . There were tables and chairs and my brother motioned for dad to sit with him at one of the tables so they could talk . My brother had been raised by this man ; a man who lived by the rule of Reason . But Reason didn 't work any more . Now a line of Reason just bounced right off dad . There was no reasoning with him - there was no Reason in the land of his father . It was excruciating . I left them going at it and my sister followed me . We were both weeping . This was more brutal than I ever could have imagined ; could 've let myself imagine . I heard dad raise his voice , and then my brother , too . I was afraid dad might take a swing at him . Daylight was fading fast . He was chilled and completely exhausted - beyond exhaustion . At home , he would have been heading to bed by now . My sister and I wandered off again to give them some space , and when we returned to the patio they were gone . We found the two of them in dad 's room . Dad was sitting on the couch , on " his " couch . His only son , his oldest child , his pride and joy , sat at the other end . Dad 's head was down . His body was slumped . His eyes were closed . He was completely broken . All the fight had gone out of him . The feisty old man was no more . Soft light shining out from the two lamps we 'd brought from his living room would 've been comforting in another situation . For dad , it was dark ; he couldn 't see us … physically , but worse , it was dark because his children had betrayed him . He 'd been trapped , tricked . Every once and a while he 'd lift his head and look toward one of us and say longingly , By now , all of us were completely drained . My brother , just like us , was heartbroken , but he was much less comfortable being anywhere else but in the land of Reason . He was tired and he didn 't know what else to say . Now when dad would repeat his only request , my brother began to lose patience , still couldn 't quite face the depth of the truth that there was no reasoning with this man who had taught him the skill in the first place . We had to leave him - he needed to go to bed . The rest of his life had to begin and it couldn 't while we were still there . I stood before him and he , a broken twig of an old man , looked up at me . His eyes were dull , unseeing , and unable to bear the possibility that we actually might be leaving him there . I reached out toward him and he slid his hands into mine . They were cold and lifeless . It was pointless to ask my father direct questions about anything of substance . Subtlety was required - a slow , gentle curve of a question - never approach straight on . Anything I learned about him that was at all personal came only on his terms … when he was ready , and it always came quick … like a shooting star . With a blink of the eyes , it was gone . It 's a hard way to get to know someone , but in the end , deeply meaningful , because the stories come in precious and unexpected little nuggets . Sometimes dad would join me as I sought refuge out in the backyard of his home - the place that had embraced my entire childhood . Along the west - facing fence was a row of Liquid Amber trees that generously gave us relief from the scorching sun . The trees grew just below the power lines that crisscrossed every backyard , up and down the street . Mourning doves perched on the wires , singing their gentle chorus , gratefully calmed the sparks that often crackled between dad and I . It seemed we were " striker " and " match " for each other , although thankfully , after more than 40 years , the friction between us had finally begun to wear down . A slight , cool breeze calmed the fiery afternoon . Two dark green lawn chairs with woven , plastic webbing , that had been in the backyard as long as I could remember , provided us with familiar seating . We sat side by side , in front of a tangerine tree that was planted to mark my birth . Currently , it was at the center of dad 's venomous war with the squirrels , over ownership of the sweet and sour , deliciously juicy fruit : a battle they waged every season . The squirrels ' method of devouring dad 's favorite fruit was , according to my father , a personal affront . They 'd jump down out of the taller Liquid Ambers nearby and sit at the very top of the tangerine tree , harvesting only the best sun - ripened fruit . That would have been crime enough , but their technique was unforgivable , and brilliant . They 'd gnaw a little hole in the perfectly ripe fruit and then suck the entire contents out , leaving the empty , round , skin intact . Then they 'd just toss the empty fruits , which lay scattered all around the base of the tree . From a distance they looked like whole tangerines , and I 'm sure that dad , with his failing eyesight , had been fooled many times . I imagined the squirrels safely up in their roost watching dad curse as he found another empty shell of his favorite , late afternoon snack . This was their eternal feud , but dad had a plan . There was a big stack of old aluminum - framed screens discarded when the original wooden windows had been replaced . He subscribed to the belief that nothing should ever be thrown out … so they 'd been stacked in the back shed behind the garage for about ten years . He had this amazing and complex scheme that involved suspending the screens above the tangerine tree so the squirrels couldn 't jump down to it from above . I told dad that I thought he was actually training the squirrels to perform ever more sophisticated aerial feats , adding , " They 'll just climb around to the underside of the screens and carry on with their plundering . " He snorted his disagreement to me at about the same time that a squirrel with impressive agility , demonstrated my point by climbing up a large tree trunk backwards , with its head pointing down and bushy tail jabbing upward , all the while scolding dad for ever considering that he might come out the victor . Dad just muttered and waved his hand as if to dismiss both the squirrel and me . In the midst of all this talk of tangerines and squirrels , dad suddenly veered off into an entirely different conversation , stating that my mother was an agnostic and he was an atheist . " Where did THAT come from ? " I wondered . I restrained myself from turning to directly face him as he brought up such an intensely personal subject . Instead , I listened as unobtrusively as possible . It was so rare to have this kind of conversation with him - even intense listening could cause him to clam up and change the subject . I spoke softly … " If you 're an atheist , doesn 't that mean that you 're certain there is no God ? How can you be sure about it ? How do you know for sure ? " After a long pause , my father , born in 1914 , told me that it happened when he was in his twenties - when he became aware of what was going on in Germany , then spreading throughout much of Europe , ahead of World War II . In a tone I 'd never heard from him he replied , " A lot of us felt it , " - " us " being American Jews , born of Jewish immigrants who 'd fled Eastern Europe during the pogroms . He told me that initially he felt betrayed by a God that would allow such slaughter , and this betrayal turned into a certainty when he learned that it was happening again : such destruction of life and property proved to him that there couldn 't possibly be a God . As he described this shift in his belief , I felt his heartbreak , his utter sense of abandonment , and his unequivocal knowing that he was completely on his own ; a belief he lived by , ever after . Based on the beliefs … or maybe more accurately , non - beliefs of my parents , I was left on my own to develop any sense of religious or spiritual faith that I might yearn for . And I did … I had a deep yearning for such guidance . Over the years , as I watched my father turn down help again and again , I came to see that it was the only way for him , if he was to continue with his conviction that he had to " go it alone " . There was no one else but him : no one here , which I can imagine stemmed from the fact that at the age of eleven , and being the eldest boy at home , he became the male head of the household after his father died of tuberculosis , and , there was no God above that was going to help him either . I also slowly realized that he saw any acceptance of help , as an admission of vulnerability that he could not allow , could not bear . A few months after my 31st birthday , I was in a car accident so horrific that when the first Emergency Responder showed up and found me wandering around crazed and barefoot in the darkness , soaking wet from the pouring rain , he looked at me and then at my car and said , " Whoever was in that car … they didn 't make it . There 's no way anyone could live through that . " But I was the one in that car . And I did make it . It took a lot of years for me to shed that big , old , shell of a belief I inherited from my proud father that demanded , " I gotta go it alone " . I realized that clearly , the fact that I did live through that accident meant I DID NOT GO IT ALONE . It was true what that First Responder said - there 's no way someone could live through that - but I did , somehow . I had help - and lots of it . They were there . The angels . To this day , I don 't exactly know what I mean by angels … but it 's the word that always comes . I can tell you for sure that in the midst of that one conversation , as dad and I were taunted by tangerine - marauding squirrels , it never dawned on me that I would ever wonder if angels might be looking after my father . In the years following my mother 's death , my father just kept making adjustments … as he 'd done his entire life . Whatever fate fell to him , he would meet it head on . And so it was with becoming a widower ; figuring out how to live in his home , alone , after sharing it with his wife and three children for fifty - six years . As I watched dad navigate his way through the last years of his life , I slowly began to realize he was clearly surrounded by them - angels . He was approaching his nineties , his vision was declining rapidly , and so was his hearing . Dementia was hanging around , just on the edge of his world , showing up now and again . Having given up driving , dad did a lot of walking . He lived just four doors down from a busy street that he used as his main thoroughfare . One day , returning from a trip to the bank , he misjudged the height of a curb and instead of climbing back up to the sidewalk after crossing the street ; he tripped and fell , hitting his head on the concrete . There he was , laid out on the ground , inches from where cars were making right turns . One such driver saw my father there on the sidewalk and pulled over . As he approached , my father ever on the alert , shouted as menacingly as a skinny old man could , Finally something let loose and he allowed the man to help him up , but then he turned again , preparing to throw a punch in case he tried to take advantage of dad . This angel offered dad a ride home , but was vigorously refused . As the adrenaline began to wear off , he felt the chill of exhaustion sink deep into his bones and softened to the man . Eventually my father agreed that he could use a little help walking home , but refused to get into the stranger 's car . Disoriented at first , dad wasn 't even sure where he lived . Luckily he was only two blocks from his home , and in the end , recognized his dear old house at 5219 . He allowed the man to walk him almost to the front porch and then sent him away . Miraculously , dad didn 't break any bones , or suffer a concussion . He did have some bruises , but all in all , how was that possible at his age ? Later on he would recount the part that he was most proud of : he remembered how to roll into a fall , instead of bracing himself with his hands . He called it " the tuck and roll , " and sang it out slow like a chorus from some old favorite song . It came from his training as a fighter in his youth ; both on the streets and in the gymnasiums in his rough and tumble 1920 's Detroit neighborhood . With Jews on one street , Italians on the next , Irish around the corner - fist fighting was a way of life . I was back down in LA , visiting dad - he was 92 . We decided that we should go out to dinner … to celebrate my arrival . Tonight , dad and I were going to the only place he could remember now . Even if I recounted to him other reliable " old standbys " , this is the place he 'd choose . He 'd always think very deliberately about it like he was really weighing out all the pros and cons … this place always won out . ALWAYS . It was the same every time : we 'd walk in and dad would say , " Oh , that 's rough . There 's no one here . " He 'd owned a small business for much of his adult life , so he empathized with " the guy " … the owner . Actually , there were plenty of people in the restaurant , it was just that dad couldn 't see them , or hear them . So then I would start telling dad where all the people were seated . Years ago , this could have pissed him off … he would 've taken my comments as trying to prove him wrong . But now … his genuine concern for the owner trumped any of those feelings . He 'd been there so many times that he could picture each table , as I described to him where it was and how many people were there . It took a great load off his mind knowing " he 's actually got a good business tonight " . There were so many people there , in fact , that we ended up in a part of the restaurant that we 'd never sat in before . I didn 't know how this was going to go … familiar routines had become fairly important these days . I knew that things might go astray … but I was up for a little adventure . Usually we were seated at a " table for four " ; and , one that was situated out in the middle of the dining area , with no one close by . Not tonight . Tonight we were seated at a small " table for two " . The seating on one side was an upholstered bench that extended the whole length of the restaurant , and the other side had a chair pulled up to it . I took the bench and dad took the chair . Soon enough , the owner seated a woman at THE VERY NEXT TABLE . She was literally two feet away from me ; she also sat on the bench side . You might be thinking , " Why didn 't you ask to be moved ? " if I had concerns about having someone so close . You know how it is , when you have to weigh out the consequences of several situations all piling up on each other ? Well , my father abhorred people " making a fuss " … about anything … including / ESPECIALLY asking for special treatment at a restaurant , and , he had dementia : he was unstable . I had to choose my battles . This meant that it was going to be absolutely out of the question for me to suggest that maybe we move to a different table . I knew that things were going to get a little crazy at dinner , and , that this woman , who already had her laptop open and was tap , tap , tapping away , was going to hear EVERY SINGLE WORD that dad said . Her body language suggested that she had already , in her mind , built tall , one - inch thick plexi - glass walls all the way around her to protect herself from " them " … meaning " us " . She knew there was something a little crazy about us . She just knew it . This is a necessary coping skill when you live in Los Angeles . The waiter brings the menu , which is quite long … many pages . EVERY TIME we come here dad needs to know what 's on the entire menu , except that he can 't see well enough to read it himself , so I need to read it out loud to him . So I do . I read all the pages to him . The woman next door has begun to reinforce her wall . Then dad says , in the same way he says it EVERY TIME , " I think I 'll have the turkey and cheese omelet . Wha 'd ' ya think of that ? " Sometimes I try to suggest something else … mostly for my own amusement , but tonight , things are already out of order enough that I don 't even consider this . " That sounds really good , dad . " " Maybe you should get one , too ? " he generously offers . " No … I 'm going to get a burrito . " " What 's that ? " I describe it to him and he makes a very bad face with a few sound effects to go with it . Our neighbor next door begins adding a roof to her mental cubicle . As soon as the waiter takes our order , dad asks me a question he 's never asked me before . Since I moved back home to Washington I 've become Operations Manager of a tiny business . Really . Tiny . And , we 're not in a " building " ; we 're in a yurt , or as we like to say , a " fancy tent " . But dad doesn 't know about that part . He just knows about the Operations Manager part . He 's very impressed that I have that sort of job , after all the odd " day jobs " I 've had . I 'm an artist and a writer and what he 's said to me for a long , long time is … " Keep your day job . " He likes this " day job " because I actually have a job title that fits into his idea of a real job . Of course everything about this business , beginning at the " fancy tent " is completely out of his realm , but I 'm forever grateful that I get to tell him I 'm an Operations Manager . " So , how many employees do you have working for you now ? " he asks . I crack up inside , because our company is so small and so alternative that even that simple question does not really apply . But I don 't say any of this to him . " Well … let 's see . There 's Val in the office , and Jayme in the lab and then we have three part - time people … so I guess that makes five . I have five employees . " Dad let 's out a slow whistle and says , " Five employees … that 's great . " Our neighbor has set about to make herself a little smaller , so as to get a little more distance from me … us . I take a drink of water and as I swallow , dad says , " So , how many employees do you have working for you now ? " This is a first . Up to this point , I have never had dad repeat something back to me exactly the way he said it before , as soon as he finished saying it the first time . I can 't believe this is happening … in the presence of our neighbor . She is in for a ride . I realize it 's very possible that dad is going to ask me this same question over and over and over - until our food comes . And they 're busy tonight … so there 's going to be time for this question to be repeated many , many times . I make a challenge to myself : " Lauren , how ' bout seeing if you can take a breath and answer the question like dad 's never , ever asked it of you before ? Try counting everyone in a different order , try adding a little information about what each of the five employees do … this might go on for a while . " " Well let 's see . There are some people that work in the lab : one person is full - time … that 's Jayme . Then there are two part - time people that work in the lab … Elizabeth and Mackall , so that makes three , right ? Then we have one person that comes to wash the dishes … Fred , so that makes four . And then Val takes orders in the office . So , that 's five . I have five employees . " We did this MANY more times before our food came . MANY , MANY more times . And , miraculously , by the grace of whomever was " coaching " me that night , I realized that my father was giving me this grand opportunity to BE HERE NOW : My father , of all people . She just kept typing away on her laptop . No , she did not have earbuds in … this was before earbuds . There was no music to distract her . The only body language that let me know that she was , in fact , hearing this looping conversation was that she was subtly becoming more and more stiff in her sitting posture - looking straight ahead . By this time in his life , dad 's eyesight has diminished to the point where he cannot see what is on his plate … at all . There are some elders in this position who are willing to be fed , and maybe some that actually enjoy being fed . MY FATHER IS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE . If I ever tried feeding him , even though theoretically he couldn 't see the fork , somehow he 'd instantly put an end to that . Dad would find his fork and slide it around on his plate until he found some resistance . Then with his other hand he 'd reach out and feel the food , so he could make a plan for how to get it into his mouth . Sometimes he 'd decide to try getting the food onto his fork ; sometimes he 'd just grab some food with his fingers and eat with his hands . But this wasn 't any kind of finger food . This was a turkey and cheese omelet with lots of thick , gooey , melted cheese . He managed to cut off a piece of his omelet with his fork and was trying to use his fork to pick it up . Failing that , he 'd squeeze around the plate with his fingers , find the big gooey chunk and pick it up . The cheese would stay connected to the omelet and make a big long , loopy strand all the way to his mouth . Sometimes I feel like he knew what was going on , and was really enjoying his mental image of it , other times he seemed oblivious to the long , rubbery cheese threads that were streaming up from his plate to his mouth , to his shirt . It was hard to resist " cleaning him up " , but dad had the same reaction to that as he did to being fed . NO WAY . I certainly learned a lot about keeping a straight face under absurd circumstances . He finally felt the cheese hanging off his face and began to attempt wiping himself up . So there was a little pause in the omelet circus . " So , how many employees do you have working for you now ? " he says to me , with strands of cheese still hanging off of his face . I glanced at our neighbor through the corner of my eye . She did not budge . Nothing changed . Why didn 't she move away ? Maybe she was practicing her BE HERE NOW . Maybe dad was her guru too . Soon after his wife Crossed Over he lost all of his short - term memory . Every morning when his nephew Stefan , a new friend of mine , came out of his bedroom , Teodore would lunge at him , thinking he was a burglar . Somehow Stefan would convince his uncle again , who he was and why he was living with him . This happened every single day until after a year ; Stefan couldn 't take it any more . He was going back home to Sweden and on this particular day , I would be driving Stefan to the airport . I knocked on the front door and I was relieved that Stefan answered . I was afraid of the old man … the one other time I had come to the door of the house , he pulled the curtain aside an inch or two , peered out at me through the window , wild - eyed , and cursed at me to get off his property . So yes , I was anxious when Stefan invited me to come inside on that last morning . They were just finishing breakfast and he motioned for me to join them in the kitchen . Timidly I followed him in and there was the crazy old man glaring at me . I sat there while they both finished eating ; metal spoons scraping up the last of their cereal the only sounds that broke their silent meal . Before I could stop him , Stefan jumped up and said he 'd go out and load his luggage into the back of my borrowed truck . That left me alone with Teodore . He put his spoon down on the table , pointed his long , crooked finger at me and said , " Please . Come with me . " I was afraid - afraid to go with him and afraid to disobey him . Against my better judgment , I followed him through the dark living room and out onto the front deck ; the same deck I 'd stood on when he cursed at me and told me to get off his property . " She planted them every summer , " he said , speaking to me softly , shaking his head . " Look at them now - they 're all dead . " At first I didn 't know what he was talking about - I was nervous being so close to this man that could become so agitated without warning . I followed his gaze and realized that the entire deck was lined with planter boxes that were filled with dead bedding plants - flower heads in tact , but stone dead . " Please , " he begged me , " please plant them . " How did he know ? How did this man that I had never spoken with , this man whom I was still not sure was safe to be around at all - how did he know that my most favorite thing in the world was to plant flowers and tend them ? We stood there silently , then Stefan found us and he and I were off to the airport - Teodore 's request went unanswered . Back home from the airport , I replayed the conversation with Teodore in my head . Did he really ask me , a total stranger , to plant his flower boxes for him ? It seemed that he had , and I decided to do a good deed . The next day I rode my bicycle to the nursery near my house and loaded up my saddlebags with potting soil and bedding plants . It was an unusually hot summer day and by the time I rode my bike back up north to Teodore 's house I was sweaty and tired . And , I have to say , quite proud of myself . I was helping this " poor old man " with his dream to somehow bring back part of his wife 's memory by replanting her garden . I leaned my overloaded bicycle up against the edge of the deck with a bit of a thud . The front door flew open and there he was ; the crazy , wild - eyed man screaming profanities at me , demanding that I get off his property . I was mad now . Hadn 't I just spent my own money , not to mention my sweat equity , to get all these supplies ? Isn 't this what he had asked me do ? Yes , I was afraid of him , but now I was pissed off . He wasn 't going to beg me to do something and then threaten me when I did it . It was too late - I 'd had it with him . I flew around in a rage and told him it was none of his business , that I 'd bought the plants after he 'd asked me to , and now , like it or not , I was going to plant them . I glared at him hard . We stood there for a few moments , both of us stubborn and fierce . He wheeled around , went back inside and slammed the door . I have to tell you that this was a first for me . I had never challenged someone , anyone , like this before . There was something about him , or about the combination of the two of us that gave me the courage or the strength or the foolishness , to stand up to him … or maybe it was fueled by my big , fat , bruised ego . I began working on the flower boxes , and as always , I found the peaceful rhythm of hands - into - dirt , plants - into - soil . I calmed down . I forgot all the craziness . Out of the corner of my eye I saw that he was peering at me through the window . Again he 'd pulled the curtain back and was following my progress . When he saw me looking at him he threw the curtain shut again . Sometime later I heard the door open . I paid no attention . Finally he said quietly , " No , not there . Don 't put them there , they should go over in that one , " pointing his long gnarled finger across the deck . Glaring , I told him it was my garden and I 'd plant them where I wanted . He slammed the door again and watched me from the curtained window . After dragging a hose around from the backyard and thoroughly watering these new , young plants , I stood back to view the garden . The door opened and he spoke . His demeanor had changed - back to the imploring voice he 'd used on me when he first asked for this garden . How was he going to take care of it ? He was an old man ; a weak old man and he couldn 't drag the hose over , or lift a full watering can … the flowers would just die . He was wringing his hands . Still suffering from a rather large and bruised ego I stared him in the eye and said coldly , " It 's my garden . I 'll take care of it . " I walked down the steps , climbed onto my bicycle and rode away without looking back . Seattle was having a true heat wave and I was concerned about the newly planted garden . Two days later I rode back up to Teodore 's house . What would I encounter with the old man ? Was I in real danger ? My love for the young plants propelled me to return in spite of my fear of him . They needed water . This time I snuck quietly up onto the deck . Maybe I could water the plants without him knowing . But wait - not only had they been thoroughly watered , they had all - every single planter box - been carefully tended to . As I surveyed the garden , I heard the front door open . For some reason he didn 't yell at me , he just watched . I ignored him . He remained at the door , watching me through the screen . When I was satisfied that the plants were going to live for a few more days I turned to leave . Changing my mind I faced him . He tensed . Fear , then rage , flooded his face . I tensed too . Slowly I approached him . Part of me was screaming , " Are you insane ? RUN ! Get away from him , he 'll hurt you ! " Then his face gentled and a smile formed in the most miraculous way . " Well , if it isn 't the Queen of the Flowers , " he murmured in a beautiful , deep , Swedish lilt . " The Queen of the Flowers . " For the rest of that summer I visited Teodore most every week . He cared for the flowers - never have I seen such a well - tended garden . The moment any impudent weed had the nerve to appear , Teodore 's long fingers plucked it out . Somehow he found the strength and balance to carry watering can after watering can to quench his beloved garden 's thirst . My visits became social calls , not garden interventions . We would sit in his dark , cool , living room , he in his circa 1960 's plaid , upholstered , rocking chair . With eyes closed he would recount story after story of his childhood in the countryside of northern Sweden : the log over the creek that he and his friends would run across , the adventures they would have . Eventually he shared with me that each night before he fell asleep he 'd pray that he 'd awaken in the morning so that he could care for the garden . He told me he knew that 's why he was still alive , and that he was happy to be alive . In all other endeavors he continued to have absolutely no short - term memory . How could he remember me ? What , or who , did he see when he looked into my eyes ? Each visit began with me approaching the front door . He 'd draw the curtain back peering out , fearfully . The curtain would drop , the door would open an inch , and before he spoke , something would happen . I 'd look into his eyes , he 'd look into mine and after a moment he 'd sing out , " Well , if it isn 't the Queen of the Flowers . " It 's been over twenty years now since I met this remarkable old man . The experience has woven itself deeply into my bones … into my psyche . It 's about aging , about how our minds forget and also what they can remember ; it 's about what 's beneath fear . And when I moved back home far from my current life , to help out my aging father , who coincidentally ( ? ) was named Ted ( Theodore ) and lived to be ninety - four , my time with Teodore was patiently waiting there to guide me toward finding a way to connect with my father who had begun his own long journey into forgetting . |
Join Now ! Login Before logging into the site you will need to update your password . An email notification has been sent to the address associated with your account . Please follow the link in the email to create a new password Gem has never known what it is to have security . But the one constant in her life has been Dixie . Gem grew up taking care of her sister when no one else could : not their mother , and definitely not their father , whose intermittent presence is the only thing worse than his frequent absence . Even as Gem and Dixie have grown apart , they 've always had each other . When their dad returns home for the first time in years and tries to insert himself back into their lives , Gem finds herself with an unexpected opportunity : three days with Dixie - on their own in Seattle and beyond . But this short trip soon becomes something more , as Gem discovers that that to save herself , she may have to sever the one bond she 's tried so hard to keep . She 'd help me make butter and jelly sandwiches on soft , white bread . If we had chocolate chips , we 'd sprinkle those in , too , and mash the bread down hard so they wouldn 't fall out . I 'd lift her to the kitchen sink so she could fill a bottle with water , and roll up a beach towel , then we 'd put it all into the picnic basket which was really just a paper grocery bag on which I 'd drawn a basket - weave pattern with a green marker - badly , crookedly . I knew , and she knew , we weren 't in space or the forest or Narnia or anywhere other than our shitty apartment . Still , when she opened her eyes they 'd go big and bright . She was good at make - believe . My favorite thing was how she always skipped into whatever fantasy place we 'd gone to . As soon as her eyes were open she 'd start skipping all around the living room and up and down the hall . We 'll leave a note . Then we 'd spread the beach towel on the living room floor and if I forgot to bring crayons or markers to space I 'd run into our room and get them , and we 'd draw a goodbye note , our stick figures flying up to the moon and holding hands as we waved goodbye forever to our parents . Dixie liked to draw stars behind our heads like halos . She used to need me to take care of her , and I liked doing it . I liked doing it because , then , I thought I was the one who could . Even though nobody was taking care of me . They were the last of what had been left in the jar of laundry money that Dixie and I kept in our room , the jar that had never quite lost the smell of pickle relish . I counted and recounted the quarters in my pocket with my fingertips as the lunch line moved forward , as I 'd counted and recounted through them through English , physiology , and government . I counted because things in my life had a way of disappearing on me , and I 'd learned not to trust what I thought was there . What was there wasn 't enough - three quarters short of the cost of lunch - but I stayed in the line anyway as it moved me toward the food . Lunch roulette . Luca , the cafeteria worker on the register , might find seventy - five cents for me in his pocket . Or someone else in line might cover it , out of impatience or pity , which were just as good as kindness on a day that hungry . I hadn 't eaten more than a candy bar since the potluck in my fourth - period Spanish class the day before . Denny Miller and Adam Johnson - freshmen - stood right in front of me in the line , Tremaine Alvarado and Katy Plant , juniors like me , stood behind . Tremaine was on my P . E . volleyball team . She 'd stare through me on the court , or jostle me while we rotated to the serve , without saying sorry or excuse me or anything else that showed she thought of me as an actual person with a name . Katy Plant thought it was funny to call me " Jim " and got other people to do it , too . I don 't know what 's worse - people acting like you don 't have a name , or them saying it wrong on purpose . The point is , I wouldn 't be asking Katy or Tremaine for a handout . Not that I wanted to ask anyone for a handout . But being hungry - I mean really hungry - had a way of erasing a lot of the embarrassment . And Denny and Adam were easy , being the kind of undersized freshmen who still looked more like seventh - graders . Both Denny and Adam turned around . I could see them wondering how I knew his name . They were both listed on a program from the last band concert , and it was posted in one of the display cases outside the counseling office , under a picture of the band . I spent a lot of time there . I knew not only their names , but that Adam played clarinet and Denny played trumpet and had a solo in " Stars and Stripes Forever . " They both had floppy hair and bad skin . Adam was taller , which helped me tell them apart . They turned their backs to me . Just because their parents loaded up cafeteria cards with money didn 't mean they didn 't also have some cash . I checked on Katy and Tremaine behind me ; Katy was busy showing Tremaine something on her phone . I leaned closer to Denny . " But maybe you have some change or something ? " A couple minutes later I had my tray of ravioli and garlic bread , a sad iceberg salad with two croutons , and a carton of milk . When I got to Luca at the register , he shook his head . " I saw that . " I handed him the bill plus eight of the quarters . He shifted on his stool , the sleeves of his green school windbreaker swishing against his sides while he rang me up . " If you don 't have money , " he said , " you should get your parents to fill out the form online so you can get free lunch . How many times I gotta tell you ? " " ' Okay , ' " he said , imitating me . " You say ' okay ' then you 'll be back here hustling quarters in line tomorrow , these poor little freshmen . " He wasn 't talking loud but not quiet , either , and I imagined Katy hearing every word . Mr . Bergstrom had gotten a new whiteboard . He 'd drawn a stick figure , falling . I knew it was falling from the way the stick arms and stick legs pointed slightly upward , like gravity was pulling on its stick middle . " I 'm not a great artist but yes , it 's meant to represent you . Here … " Bergstrom added some strands of hair that flew up , then capped his dry - erase marker and sat back down . " Is it at least close ? Is this how you feel ? " " I don 't know . " In the way that she was alone , maybe , but even falling she looked more free than I felt . I got up and held my hand out for the marker . I drew a box around the falling girl . That didn 't look right , either . " This is dumb . " I picked up the eraser and wiped it all away . " Maybe . " He smiled . He had a good smile and a good face , and a way of looking right at me without making me feel like I was being studied in some lab . He was way better than old Mr . Skaarsgard , the school psychologist he 'd replaced at the beginning of the school year . Skaarsgard would always furrow his white eyebrows at me and make me feel like nothing I said made sense . Maybe it didn 't , but at least Mr . Bergstrom tried . Normally I saw him a couple times a week , not always on the same days , sometimes after school and sometimes during it depending what was going on . I know it was a lot . Some kids at school could go a whole semester , even all of high school , without seeing him once . But right at the beginning of freshman year I sort of had this incident in pre - Algebra , and my teacher referred me and then I was on the permanent rotation , first with Skaarsgard , now Bergstrom . " I do . " My hands curled up on my knees , my nails pressed into my palms . This office was always hot and small . I shook my head , not knowing how to explain feeling alone but also trapped in the middle of people and places that didn 't let me move or breathe . Mr . Bergstrom had plain brown eyes , a little bit small for his face , but I could almost always see sympathy in them , like now . " It 's okay , Gem , " he said . " I know it 's hard to put into words . " Sometimes at our appointments , I 'd tell him a lot , and it felt good in the moment , finally saying the things I 'd had stuck in my head all that week . But then I 'd be in bed those nights , and a smothering kind of panic would settle on me that I 'd said too much . Like I 'd given away something I needed and couldn 't get back . " Well . I think I said it wasn 't your job to worry about your mom , it 's her job to worry about you . But I know it 's not that simple . Especially with Dixie . " He smiled again . " And I know you didn 't just stop worrying , Gem . " He nodded . " Okay . " He wheeled his chair back . " We 're not scheduled again until next week but come say hi anytime . " That 's how he always ended our meetings . Come say hi anytime . I liked knowing I could . By the time I got home , it was twilight . Detention had made me miss my bus connection , so I 'd walked , the chill and damp of Seattle a force I pressed against with every step . It was March , and things would get better and lighter soon , just not yet . Having to walk meant I missed my afternoon cigarette , too , on my bench in my park . The smoking time , which no one but me knew about , was when I didn 't feel the cage or the box or whatever it was . It made space for me and my thoughts . Without it I felt like part of me was left behind , trying to catch up . I pulled it closed behind me , then checked the lock . Then I checked the lock again and told myself I could stop checking . But halfway down the corridor I went back to check it again . Then , grasping the pepper spray on my keychain , I went up the three flights of stairs and into our apartment . Dixie was home . She had the TV on and a sandwich in one hand , her phone in the other , homework all over the floor where she sat . She 'd changed clothes since I 'd seen her at school that morning - from jeans and a hoodie to shorts over tights and a green v - neck t - shirt that showed a lot . I had on baggy jeans and a plain , blue sweater that would have hidden everything , if there was anything to be hidden . As usual , she looked like the older sister . In our bedroom , I put my backpack on my pillow with the straps toward the wall . My keys went on top of the cardboard box on its side that I used as a sort of nightstand . My shoes went inside the box , laces hanging out . I hung my jacket on the closet doorknob and put on my thick socks I always wore around our apartment . Whenever Dixie saw me doing this stuff , or checking the gate lock more than twice , she 'd tease me and say I had OCD . But Mr . Bergstrom asked me a bunch of questions about it and said I didn 't fit the diagnosis , that it was more like I had a few rituals that helped me feel in control , and they didn 't interfere with my life , and it wasn 't the same thing . " Plus , from what you 've told me about where you live , " he 'd said , " checking the gate lock sounds like plain common sense . " " No , " she said , but held it out anyway . I sat on the floor next to her and took a bite . Then another . Roast beef . Avocado . Cheddar cheese . Thinly - sliced red onion and a hard sourdough roll . It was perfect , as if all of Napoleon 's craving for Dixie had been slathered onto that sandwich . I swallowed huge pieces of it , half - chewed and sharp with mustard . " He 's not a shrink . He 's just a school psychologist . " I opened the fridge . There were a few stale corn tortillas , an opened bag of old green beans , ketchup , and a white plastic butter dish with maybe a teaspoon of butter left , crumbs stuck all over it . Same as that morning . " You should get him to send you to a real shrink . Say you need Adderall . You could sell it at school and then you 'd have some money . " I 'd heard that Dixie helped some seniors sell their prescriptions at school . I didn 't want to know . " I can tell you what symptoms to have , " she said . I imagined going down to the laundry room . The lights could have burned out again . Sometimes there were noises that might be a zipper clanging against the dryer door , or might be rats . Dixie is pretty . No one in our family is beautiful , the way movie stars are beautiful , but she 's the type of girl who gets second , third , fourth looks - as many looks people can get away with before she stares them down . She 's soft in the sense of being curvy , and hard in the sense of not taking any shit . She 's cute - her hair , her clothes , the faces she makes when she 's surprised or mad or thinks something is funny . And intimidating in the way she exudes sexuality that 's inaccessible without her permission , and her permission isn 't easy to get . It started in junior high and by the time she got to high school , people couldn 't spend five minutes with Dixie before they wanted to give her things , feed her , touch her , get her to smile , be her friend , be her boyfriend . She got sandwiches , she got her cell phone bill paid , she got attention when she wanted and deflected it when she didn 't . I stared , she stared back . For her it was a game . She thought I was trying to get her to look away first . But really it was me trying to see who I was through Dixie 's eyes , me wondering if she evaluated me and my face and clothes and body , the ways I made it through the world , like I evaluated hers . Dixie 's bed was empty . She snuck out sometimes , but tonight I heard her voice with Mom 's , coming from the living room . It wasn 't anything out of the ordinary , them being up late together . Sometimes I could ignore them and go back to sleep . Sometimes I 'd lay there with my eyes open , wishing that for once they 'd check to see if I was awake . Maybe I wanted to be up talking , too . I got up and crept out into the dark hall , watching from a spot where I could see the corner of the living room . They were on the couch , facing each other . Mom 's hair hung loose down her back . She 'd gotten black tips on the blond . They were eating potato chips . Dixie had one in her hand , gesturing with it while she talked to Mom in an excited whisper . I thought I heard my name . I often had the feeling they were talking about me , especially since Dixie started high school . Before , I had my own life there without Dixie 's to compare it to . Not having friends felt normal for me until I imagined it through her eyes , and I could see Mr . Bergstrom as much as I needed without anyone much noticing or caring . Now , Dixie could observe my life , judge it , and report it to Mom . Gem takes money from freshmen boys so she can eat cafeteria ravioli . These were the conversations they had in my head . I leaned further back into the dark , listening harder . " So I didn 't change into my gym clothes . Not after he was like oh when am I gonna see you in your shorts again ? Dick . I told Ms . Moser but she still marked it as a cut . That 's why they called you . " Gym , she 'd said . Not Gem . I scratched an itch on my arm and Dixie looked toward the hall . Mom turned around . All her silver necklaces and pendants and leather cords were draped over the scoop of her black tank top . Her mermaid tattoo showed at the edge of her collarbone . Like Dixie 's , Mom 's beauty wasn 't model - or actress - beautiful . But still powerful . And when she and Dixie were right next to each other like that , their power doubled . In the face of it , I felt myself shrink . The smile she had for me didn 't look like the one she had for Dixie . For me , she had to force it . Mr . Bergstrom once asked if this might be my imagination . If he could see it for himself he 'd know what I meant . Dixie widened her eyes at me , annoyed . She hated when I started in on Mom . She wanted to pretend like Mom was another one of her friends , another girl with boyfriend drama and body issues and money problems who didn 't need to hear shit from anyone about how she should be living her life . I stepped into the room and Mom touched the black tips of her hair . She 'd started drinking again in the last six months or so , using some . It started with her birthday in September and never stopped . A little wine . A little pot . It 's nothing . I came closer in , so I could see her eyes , and tried to tell if this time it was a little wine or a little pot or both . " I had to go and get a money order first , " she said to Dixie . " Then the guy couldn 't find our account . I gave him the number , my name , our address … it was like it disappeared from the system . He had to set it up all over again , and he was a real pain in the ass about it , too . " She turned to me again . " Then like I told you or think I told you , Judy 's in town . Tonight was the only night we could get together . " " Only for a few hours . " Mom bent over to dig around in her purse , which sagged open on the floor enough for me to see cigarettes , crumpled up pieces of paper and dollar bills , her torn canvas wallet . " It 's not the same as it used to be , that 's for sure . Did you take my lip balm , Dixie ? " Dixie leaned down and darted her hand into the pile for one of the envelopes . " That 's for me , " she said . Mom grabbed for it , but Dixie held it away , and was already studying the handwriting . " It 's from Dad ? " " No . I mean , I don 't know . There 's no return address . " Mom sat back on her heels and held out her hand . The dark green polish on her fingernails was chipped to almost nothing . " Dix . Honey . " Mom started shoving her stuff back into her purse . " Well , open it , " she said . She was agitated now , more like she got after a little pot than after a little wine . Dixie knew , like I did , that Mom could turn on you fast when she was like this . " Why not ? You 're so fucking eager to steal it out of my purse . What do you think is in there ? A check ? A plane ticket ? Dream on . Dream on , dream on , " she sang , the refrain from an old rock song , her voice high and crazy . Definitely pot , plus maybe something stronger . I flashed on an image of her , in her bed , me trying to get her to wake up , trying to know what I should do . Dixie 's eyes met mine in search of something . Help ? Sympathy ? She wouldn 't get either from me ; she was the one who had a letter from Dad . " Here , Gem , I got you something . " She stumbled to her feet and handed me a matchbook from the Velvet . " Don 't set anything on fire . " A matchbook . She hadn 't gotten it for me . It was like how , when I was little , she used to pull random crap from her purse if we were out and I got bored and whiny . Look what I got you , Gem ! A pen , a stick of gum , a business card . I thanked her for the matchbook anyway and scratched my nail along the edges of it . She ran her hand through her hair and shrugged . " Ain 't no thing . " She tried a more genuine smile and grabbed my hand . " What 's new , kiddo ? Things okay at school ? Still passing your classes and everything ? " This was her new game . If Dixie wasn 't happy with every single thing Mom did , Mom pretended she didn 't exist . Before I started to notice the moments between them that caused it , I even liked the attention . But stoned , getting - back - at - Dixie attention didn 't feel much better than being completely ignored . And it had the side effect of making Dixie mad at me , like it was my fault . She rolled her eyes and massaged the back of her neck with one hand , and scooped up her purse with the other . " Gem . I am so tired . Just fill it out and I 'll sign it . " With Dixie gone and no one to perform for , she stopped pretending to care about my day or my grades or the fact I 'd hardly eaten . Mom walked toward the kitchenette ; I followed . She tossed her purse onto the small table we rarely ate at . " I don 't like them having all that information about me . Anyway isn 't school food disgusting and fattening and everything ? I 'll get you food at the store . " She turned around slowly . Under the kitchen light I could see her eyes were bloodshot ; mascara had flaked and settled into her tiny wrinkles . Her tank top hung off one shoulder , showing a purple bra strap . Her power had dimmed . " When I get some sleep , Gem . When I get a shower and a cup of coffee . That 's when . It 's two in the morning . God . " I clenched my teeth . My choice was to push harder and piss her off , or back down and wind up with nothing . I had to eat . " Can I have some money ? " I asked . " Like … three of those dollar bills ? " " I 'm trying . " I 'd filled out applications everywhere within a walk or reasonable bus ride . I had no references , though , not after getting fired from the souvenir shop for always being late , which was usually the bus 's fault . " Do or do not . There is no try . " Yoda voice . " Okay , look , I 'm going to loan you these dollar bills . " She pressed a wad of money into my hand . " And I want them back in this exact condition . I will check every wrinkle . " " Gem , I 'm kidding , " she said , jostling my arm . " You 're so serious . It 's excruciating . " With a glance toward the hall , she whispered , " Don 't you wonder what 's in that letter ? I mean , don 't you just wonder what flavor , what exact flavor , of bullshit he 's selling now ? I haven 't heard from him in … well thank God . Not as if I want to . " She fixed her eyes on me . I closed my hand around the money and lowered my arm . " What about you ? Have you heard from him ? " Dixie slept through our alarms . Only the top of her head showed from under the blankets . She always slept like that . For years it was my job to get her up , get her dressed , make sure she ate breakfast , get her to school . When she was little - little she didn 't complain , but as she got into second , third , fourth grade , we started to argue about it . She would want to wear her favorite outfit five days a week and I 'd tell her she couldn 't , because people would notice and tease her . She 'd want candy for breakfast , she 'd want to play instead of finishing school work , she 'd want to run ahead of me and cross the street without waiting for a green light . Around sixth grade , she decided she could do everything herself . I had a picture in my drawer , me pushing a stroller around some city street when Dixie was a toddler and I was in maybe kindergarten , maybe first grade . Dixie 's sitting there , chubby legs and curly hair . And me , pushing the stroller and wearing a grown - up 's purse on my shoulder . She laughed . " Someone took that picture , Gem . Probably Mom was right there , or her friend , what 's - her - name , Roxanne . They probably stuck a purse on you and told you to push me around because they thought it was cute . " She was probably right , but truthfully I 'd never thought about who took the picture . It just existed , and me and Dix were the only ones in it . It was the image of the two of us that stuck in my head as the facts ; I 'd never wondered who was outside the frame . Mom had given me seven dollars . I doubted she 'd realized she 'd shoved that much at me . I also had that spare quarter from yesterday , plus the four quarters Luca had given me , which I guess technically belonged to Denny , but all together it was the most money I 'd had at once since running out of my savings . I left the apartment without checking on Mom to make sure she was okay from whatever she was on last night . Don 't look and you won 't see , I reminded myself . And if I didn 't see , then I didn 't know , and then I wouldn 't have to worry . On the way to school I stopped by the donut shop that I smelled every day and got in line . " Apple crumb , and a glazed old - fashioned . And a milk , " I said . " And a chocolate coconut , " I added before the cashier rang me up . My voice came out louder than I 'd meant it to . More than one person turned to see what I was yelling about . Lia looked up , but her expression didn 't change and I figured she must not recognize me . " It 's Gem . Dixie 's sister ? " " When I have a job again I guess . " I 'd gotten a pre - pay phone when I had my job so they could call me about shift changes . Then my mom needed to borrow it for a couple of days when she couldn 't pay the bill on her own phone , and after that I kept getting calls from some guy named Paul , using up my minutes looking for her . I got tired of him yelling at me and threw the phone away . Through Government I sat in the back like always and made one hundred pen dots on a piece of notebook paper while Mr . Coates lectured on the executive branch . Ten rows down and ten across . I imagined being small , tiny enough to fit inside the field of dots , hidden . So Dad had written to Dixie and not me . So what . The letter was probably full of lies anyway . It still ate at me , then the fact that I cared ate at me more . My father wasn 't anybody I should upset myself over . He 'd never upset himself over me . I didn 't see Dixie anywhere at lunch . Even after the donuts I was hungry . I waited until the line got short , picked up a fish sandwich and tater tots , and told Luca , " My mom got paid . " He smoothed out the bills and slid them into his drawer . " She should still fill out that form though . She can do it online , you know . " " We don 't have Internet . " Luca had pictures of his two little kids taped to his register . I 'd noticed them before : one girl and one boy , both with wavy black hair like his . " What are their names ? " I asked , pointing . " That 's right . I pack them lunch every day . Food from home is better . " He made disapproving eyes at my fish sandwich . Some of us don 't have food from home , I wanted to say . " My mom doesn 't have time to cook . " Time wasn 't exactly the issue but I 'd rather him think of her as a busy and broke single mom than as someone who didn 't care enough about me to make sure I ate . " She gave me money for breakfast this morning , though . " Luca was only ever nice to me in his own teasing way . But him and his pictures of his kids and the way he cared more about what I ate than my own mother did - all I could see , all I could feel , was what I didn 't have . I was suddenly mad at him for making lunches for his kids , mad at his kids for getting those lunches . " You should mind your own business . Leave me alone . " I walked off , with a knot in the pit of my stomach , waiting for him to call after me . Gem ! Don 't be mad . I 'll make you a lunch , too , some time ! He didn 't say anything , though , and I didn 't look back . Denny Miller sat by himself at a table in the corner . I went to it and put my tray down right across from his . " I have your dollar . " Then I saw her - we both did . She walked in , flanked by Lia and these two senior guys they hung out with . Dixie had on one of Mom 's tank tops and a denim jacket over it , and a scarf . Blue tights under her short brown corduroy skirt . Denny 's eyes went to me again , looking for the resemblance . Dixie knew I meant the letter . " Not right now , " she said , shifting her eyes to the others at the table . Then she wrinkled her nose at my half - eaten lunch . " Why don 't you go eat … that . I 'll show you at home . " " God , Gem , I told you , not right now . Go do whatever it is you do , your deep breathing or counting the floor tiles or whatever . I 'll see you at home . " I turned , and looked around the cafeteria with the dizzying and familiar feeling of being lost , unclaimed , and unwanted . Denny was still watching me . I raised my middle finger to him and dumped the rest of my food in the trash before walking out . Mr . Bergstrom called me into the counseling office during P . E . When I got there he smiled like usual , and it immediately made me feel better . " Hi , Gem , " he said . It wasn 't a question , so I didn 't answer . He rubbed his hand over his head , which he kept shaved . There was dirt under his nails . He 'd probably been working in his yard . On the days I didn 't feel like talking , he 'd fill our time by telling me about his household and landscape projects . I shrugged . " I 'm not going to freak out or anything . " Lose control of myself , throw something , yell . Like I 'd done the time I first got sent to see Skaarsgard . Mr . Bergstrom nodded . I thought about how to explain my anger at Luca for that , how I wished his kids would go a day knowing what it felt like without him , how at the same time I wanted to protect my mom from him thinking bad things about her . I worried Mr . Bergstrom would think I was a terrible person , hating someone else 's little kids for having something any kid should have . " Oh yeah ? " Mr . Bergstrom leaned back and put his hands behind his head . I liked that about him , how relaxed he could be , like the only thing in the world that he had to do was listen to me . " He only wrote to her . I didn 't get anything . She won 't tell me or my mom what it says . I don 't think my mom was even going to give it to Dixie except it fell out of her purse when she was … " I didn 't want to tell him she was messed up like she was . Whenever I let something like that slip he asked a bunch of questions I worried would get her in trouble . " Meanwhile … " He picked his glasses up off his desk and put them on to look at his computer . " How ' bout this . Something we can control is I can get you on the lunch program . I think I can push the paperwork through without your mom even having to know about it . " " I know . I 'll tell you a secret , though : I like pulling strings . And what 's not a secret is it 's faster that way . " " Nah . " He wrote me a pass . He tilted his chin down when he handed it to me , to see over the tops of his glasses , and gave me the smile that made me feel like maybe in spite of Luca and Denny and Dixie 's dumb friends it was okay to be me . " What do you mean ? " I 'd asked . I was suspicious of him then , at first , after Skaarsgard had never been any help at all . It took a long time for me to do it . It 's not something I like to think about . But once I started , so much poured out of me and when I brought him pages and pages of what I 'd written on note paper , I felt better , even before I read it to him . Our parents , I guess , since they 're Dixie 's too . Sometimes I think of them as mine like they 're different parents to me than they are to Dixie which they kind of are . I don 't have a lot of comforting memories like I guess some people do of their parents . I don 't really know what I got from them that might be good . Dixie got the parts that were looks and charm . She got the confidence . My parents grew up in the eighties . They got married in 1997 pretty young . They met at a club most people don 't know about called The Velvet when my mom was twenty and using a fake ID to get into bars all over Seattle . They 're the type that always want to be young , for example my dad would talk about how he 'd never become like people he knew who got regular boring office jobs , and would never move to the suburbs and never turn into a paycheck - getting zombie . My mom doesn 't say it in those exact words but you can tell from how she acts and dresses that she feels the same about it . My mom got pregnant with me and they decided it was a sign to get married . They went to city hall and did the thing and both changed their last name from the ones they grew up with to a new one they chose together . They named me after the diamond they couldn 't afford when they got married . I was supposed to shine . My mom was Adrienne Kostas and my dad was Russell Jacobs and they named themselves Adri and Russell True . It 's pronounced like Ay - Dree . When my dad needed to get on her good side he called her Dree . It happened a lot . But her good side got smaller and smaller until there was barely even room for herself there . They had this dream of being in music . Not like in a band because they didn 't have that kind of talent . My mom can 't even carry a tune . So their plan was to buy a club and name it Gem , after me . They 'd book all their favorite bands then instead of being fans who have to push their way through the crowd like everyone else , they 'd be in charge of it all and get to hang out in the band dressing rooms and stuff . Mostly they wanted to prove their parents wrong about everything . I heard that a lot when I was a kid , especially from my dad . Probably everyone tells themselves they won 't be like their parents . I know I do . But for my parents , it was more . I mean , they changed their names , so they acted really serious about it . Except the thing they did that was just like their parents was drinking . They kept trying to stop . Drugs sometimes , too . Every time one of their rock star heroes died of a drug overdose they 'd quit for awhile again . My father couldn 't stay away from other women , either . He left us and came back a bunch of times . Mom would tell him " stay gone this time " then he 'd come back and she 'd let him . He 'd call her Dree and beg and say he loved her more than anything . Then right before I started high school my mom said he was leaving forever this time because he 'd found a twenty - six - year - old version of her in Austin , Texas . He must have known what was coming , because the week before Mom kicked him out he spent a lot of time with me and Dixie . He got us a cat and played us his old records . He took us all around the city . It was like a goodbye tour of his favorite bars and clubs . He let us skip school . He brought us to dark , dirty places where we got free Shirley Temples and peanuts . Dixie would sit up on the bar while Dad 's friends or whatever they were told her how cute she was , how when she got older she 'd be trouble . I guess she was around eleven then . I could already tell people liked her better than me . She was soft and bright , and I was boney and never smiled . I guess I 'm still that way . I remember sitting in the shadows trying not to touch the sticky tables , making sure I could always see the door . He made us promise not to tell Mom where we 'd been . Dixie remembers it all as an adventure , the best times we 'd ever had with him . She 'd tell stories to her friends about meeting the drummer from My First Crush at one of the bars . And how we named the cat Ringo Starr because Dad once interned at a studio in L . A . where Ringo and maybe one of the other Beatles recorded an album . After he was gone , she told her friends that Dad worked in " the music industry " in Austin and was coming back to Seattle to open a club and call it Dixie 's . The internship at the studio in L . A . was the last real job my father had in music and it didn 't even pay . I don 't count playing bouncer at bars in Austin as being in the music industry . I don 't think anyone would . " That 's all I have so far , " I 'd told Mr . Bergstrom after I read it out loud . " I was going to do my grandparents but I had to do geometry homework instead . " I handed him the pages and he shuffled through them and didn 't say anything . " Is that what you wanted ? " I asked . " Is it okay ? " He nodded . " It 's really good . " He just stared at the pages and we were quiet for the longest time I remember us ever being quiet . What did you think of the first three chapters of Gem & Dixie ? Tell us in the comments below ! ✉️📥 Want more chapter samplers delivered directly to your inbox ? Sign up for the Epic Reads First5 newsletter and we 'll send you the first 5 chapters from a new book each week , one chapter a day ! |
Well now , what have we here ? A new story , collected from the adventures that have kept us so long away ? By carrier pigeon and smoke signal , letters in the sky and messages sent on the wind , your four Curators have kept in contact even as we each traveled to the most far - flung , forgotten corners of worlds both real and decidedly not . We always knew we would return , and that our joyous reunion would be alight with tales of the things we had seen . Stuffed to the gills with cake and thrilled to all be in the same place again , we held our curious new treasures up to the light and debated where each might best fit in our Cabinet . Now , you might well imagine that on our journeys we encountered all manner of people , creatures , and objects , most - if not all - of which were not at first what they seemed to be . For that reason , our newest collection is on the theme of imposters . The car pulled up outside a tiny house on a narrow street in a small village . None of it was familiar except Evie 's grandmother , already waiting on the front porch . Evie waved through the window and smushed her face up against the glass as her mother parked in the driveway . Grandma June waved back , a smile eating up all the wrinkles on her face . The moment the car stopped , Evie yanked off her seatbelt and jumped out , running up to get her hug . Grandma June gave her lots of hugs in the week or two they spent together every summer , but this first one was always the best . Soft and squishy and perfumed with roses and talcum powder . " Good , " gasped Evie . Grandma let her go , and together they waited for Evie 's parents to join them with Evie 's small , green suitcase . Her mother had originally picked out a pink one , but no , Evie had wanted the green , the color of the apple skins that littered the kitchen counter while the smell of baking pie filled grandma 's house . They always baked a pie on their first day together , and they 'd eat it with ice cream for dinner , making a pact not to tell Evie 's parents that there hadn 't been a vegetable in sight . But it would be a different house this time , a different kitchen counter . Grandma June used to live in a city almost the same size as the one Evie lived in , but a few months ago , she had decided the hustle and bustle was more than she could take in her old age . She wanted quiet , she said , and to go to the shop for milk without a thousand people getting in her way , or huffing rudely because she wasn 't quick on her feet anymore . She had moved while Evie was still in school , so Evie had stayed with her best friend for several days while her parents had helped Grandma June move everything she wanted to keep to this tiny house . " Are you settled in ? " asked Evie 's father . " Enjoying it here ? It 's very quiet , isn 't it ? We didn 't see a single person on the way through . " " Oh , yes , " said Grandma June . " Quiet , for certain , but I was after quiet ! I do have a new bridge club here with some lovely friends , and a very nice young man comes to cut my grass , though I tell him every time that he 's not to touch my flowers , and the sweet people at the grocery store know my name and fetch the things I can 't reach . Now , will you stay for a drink ? We could have it out here , " she said , pointing at the wicker furniture . " It 's such a beautiful summer day , I made lemonade . Mrs . Hill down the road gave me lemons from her tree . " " I 'll help , " said Evie . She wanted to see inside the house . Grandma 's old house , where she 'd lived with Granddad before he died , had been big and tall , full of so many rooms that Evie had always been able to pick which bedroom she wanted to sleep in on the trip . This house was only one floor , Evie saw that from the outside , and when she stepped in , she could see practically the whole place from the front door . A kitchen was to the left , and a living room to the right , and ahead was a hallway with two bedrooms and a bathroom leading off it . It was very different , but it smelled like Grandma , all roses and talcum powder , and that was the most important thing . As was tradition , Evie 's parents stayed for a drink and a bit of a rest after the drive , then they kissed Evie and Grandma June goodbye and got back in the car . They would go home , back to their jobs , leaving Evie and Grandma June to get up to whatever mischief they could find to get into . Evie was the only grandchild , so she and her grandmother had all of that special kind of mischief to themselves , just between the two of them . Grandma June had taught her how to knit , and bake , and play chess so well Evie could beat her father at it now , and she was only ten . They did all kinds of fun activities together . Besides making apple pie , the other thing they 'd do today is choose a book from Grandma 's shelves , and spend evenings taking turns reading it out loud . First , however , there was some housekeeping to do . They put the empty glasses in the sink and then Grandma June showed Evie her new bedroom , the empty chest of drawers into which Evie could unpack the clothes from her little green suitcase . All right , so she didn 't have bedrooms to choose from anymore , but she recognized the furniture from Grandma 's old house , and there , in the middle of the pillows , was an old , threadbare stuffed elephant . At home , with her parents , Evie swore she was too grown up for stuffed animals , but it was unthinkable to sleep at Grandma June 's without Henry . Evie looked forward to seeing his ragged trunk every summer almost as much as she looked forward to seeing Grandma June . They put away Evie 's things and returned to the kitchen , where the bowl of apples waited . While Grandma peeled , Evie mixed together the butter and flour for the crust . The oven heated up , slowly warming the room around it on an already warm day , but it wasn 't unpleasant . It felt cozy , it felt like living inside all the happy memories Evie had of Grandma June , even while they were making a new one . " How was school , my darling ? " Grandma June asked , using a very sharp knife to slice the apples . " I 'm not sure your letters told me everything . " " Well , " said Evie , " Beth wasn 't in my class this year . I missed her . I kept getting paired up with Melissa Jones for projects , and she hates me . She pinched me all the time when Mr . Watson wasn 't looking . " " No , " said Evie . Some things she just didn 't want to tell them , she didn 't want to worry them , but it was safe and warm here . " It 's all right now . Hopefully she won 't be in my class when we go back to school , and Beth will . " Grandma June nodded in time with the slicing knife . " You are a little ray of sunshine , aren 't you ? Always looking on the bright side . You get that from me . Which reminds me , we 're going to have tea with a friend of mine tomorrow . I 've been telling her all about you since the day I moved here and she was the first person I met in the street , and she 's simply desperate to meet my little Evie . " " That sounds fun , " said Evie . " Have you made many friends here ? " She didn 't want Grandma June to be lonely in this new place . " Oh , yes , " said Grandma June . " In a small place like this , you get to know everyone in the blink of an eye , and heaven forbid you have a secret ! Tell one person , and five minutes later everyone 'll know it . " Grandma June chuckled . " They 're not really secrets . It 's nice to feel welcomed here , part of the community . It 's much harder to feel like that in a big city . " They ate it for dinner , its warmth melting the scoops of ice cream Grandma put on top of both their slices . Evie licked her plate clean , and Grandma June pretended not to notice . Full and happy , they curled up together on the same flowered sofa that had been in Grandma June 's old house , with a book from the same bookshelves . When the sun set outside the picture window and the room grew dim , Grandma June switched on a lamp and they kept reading until Evie 's eyelids began to droop and she yawned between the words . Morning came , Evie 's first full day with Grandma June . After breakfast , Evie put on her shoes and took Grandma 's hand as the two of them headed off to see the village . Everything was new to Evie , the shops and little cottages and pretty squares , laid with grass and flowers , ringed with wrought - iron fences . " Where is everybody ? " Evie asked . It had suddenly occurred to her that there should be people about , running errands or simply strolling along in the summer sunshine , as she and Grandma June were . " Oh , here and there , I imagine . You must remember this isn 't the city , my darling . Not nearly so many other souls here . Can you hear that ? " Grandma June tilted her head and closed her eyes . " Well , " said Grandma June , blinking , " if it 's people you want , let 's go call on Mrs . Watson , my friend I told you about , remember ? Since my company isn 't good enough for you . " She winked to show Evie she was teasing . " June ! " A door two houses down opened and a woman stepped out onto the front step , waving . Grandma June waved back , leading Evie to the garden path that ran up to Mrs . Watson 's home . Evie focused her eyes on the little diamonds in the print of Mrs . Watson 's blue dress . " It 's nice to meet you , too , " she said politely , though she couldn 't say she 'd heard much about Mrs . Watson . Only that she was one of Grandma June 's new friends here . Mrs . Watson looked to be younger than Grandma ; her hair was blonde instead of white , and she had fewer wrinkles , but Evie loved Grandma June 's wrinkles . " Well , come in , come in . I 'll put the kettle on and we can all have a nice chat . I just might be able to find some cake , too . " That made Evie smile . Cake was always a reason to smile . Mrs . Watson gave her a knowing look , and Evie relaxed . It would be nice to meet Grandma June 's new friends . Inside , the house showed a different sort of taste than Grandma June had , or Evie 's parents had . Everything was sleek , modern , in black or white or gray . Evie was slightly afraid to touch anything , and the sofa she perched on was stiff and uncomfortable . " Now , Evie , tell me everything about yourself that June here has forgotten to mention , " said Mrs . Watson , handing Evie a slice of chocolate cake . " Oh , and don 't worry a bit about the crumbs , that 's what vacuum cleaners are for . Now , I want to know all about you . " Mrs . Watson leaned forward , her eyes bright , curious . Evie 's face flushed with warmth . Um . She never quite knew what to say in these sorts of situations . Her parents had friends like this , too , who wanted to seem interested in Evie but weren 't very good at being normal about it . Adults could be very strange sometimes . " Er . I like to read ? " she said , as if she wasn 't sure herself . " I play the piano , but not very well . I don 't like broccoli . " That wasn 't everything , but she couldn 't think of anything else to say . " Well , you 're delightful , " declared Mrs . Watson . " And you 're very pretty . Do all the boys at your school chase after you ? " Evie blushed even more deeply and shook her head . Grandma June laughed . " She 's far too young for that kind of thing , Marilyn . Plenty of time for that later . " Evie ate her cake , being careful of the crumbs . Whatever Mrs . Watson had said , she didn 't want to make a mess . As she chewed , she looked around the room , but there wasn 't very much to see . A few glass vases that were quite like the teapot , really , and a shiny gray bowl filled with odd white sticks . Grandma June was laughing as she and Mrs . Watson discussed some man at their bridge club . Evie frowned . She 'd never seen her grandmother like this before , and it hadn 't been so very long since her grandfather died . Grandma June couldn 't have forgotten him already , could she ? Evie nodded . Time had passed curiously in the house ; it felt as if they 'd been there ages , but when she checked her watch , it wasn 't even lunchtime yet . Perhaps this was just the way of sleepy little villages . " Let 's go home a different way , " said Grandma June , taking Evie 's hand . All the quiet , tree - lined streets looked nearly the same to Evie , but she trusted that this was not the way they had come . She could sort of understand why Grandma liked it here , it was indeed very peaceful . The village was surrounded by rolling fields , over which , in the distance , a summer storm was brewing , the clouds dark and coiled , ready to strike . " Who lives there ? " she asked , pointing . It sat in the middle of a huge lawn , far back from the road . Weathered shingles threatened to fall off its jagged roof at any minute . Its porch was rotting , sinking into the ground , and starving ivy crawled across the dark red brick . " Why , every village has to have a creepy old house . Where else would the monster live ? " Grandma June laughed . " Oh , darling , I 'm teasing . It 's empty , so far as I know . Shame , isn 't it ? It 's a lovely old place . " They made it home before the rain , and sat reading as lighting flashed and thunder crashed and drops pelted the window . When Evie 's stomach growled - the cake had been a while ago , and breakfast a while before that - Grandma June made them sandwiches . Evie didn 't worry about getting crumbs on the sofa this time . Afternoon turned to evening , with dinner and more of their book . This was how Evie liked Grandma June , settled in a cozy living room , just the two of them . And so the new routine of their summer visit began . Every day , after breakfast , they would leave the house and go for a walk , dropping into the shop to buy milk on their way , or stopping to speak to the rare people they encountered on the street , on errands of their own or walking their dogs . Everyone they met already knew about Evie , and she had to keep coming up with things to tell them about herself . She was nine years old , she wanted to be a librarian when she grew up so she could read books all day , she liked butterflies but not caterpillars . It was certainly different to the visit they 'd had only last year . When she 'd visited Grandma at her old house in the city they had gone exploring , of course , but to zoos and museums and art galleries , and in a place with so many people they 'd almost never run into anyone Grandma knew . Here , though it was so quiet , so seemingly empty , everyone they did meet knew Grandma , and she knew them . And Grandma June was different , too . Evie couldn 't quite put her finger on how . Perhaps it was , simply , that the setting was new , and so Grandma June was a little bit new , too . Evie awoke , Henry the elephant clutched to her chest . It was still dark in her room , and she checked her watch on the nightstand , pressing the button on the side to make the little screen light up . Just after midnight . She didn 't know what had woken her , maybe there 'd been a noise outside . Her heartbeat sped . Maybe there 'd been a noise inside . She froze under the covers . If she lay very still and held her breath , she 'd be safe . But she couldn 't do that . Grandma June was old . What if there was someone in the house ? Evie had to protect her . It took all of Evie 's might to force herself from the bed , her bare feet silent on the carpet as she crept into the hallway . Moonlight shone in through the windows , the curtains open everywhere because it was supposed to be safe here in this little village . Evie rubbed her eyes . " Yes , " she said softly . The nightmare was over , but it had felt so real at the time . She 'd never had a dream like that before , where the feeling of being awake and terrified had lasted for hours , all the way until dawn . Now , in the bright summer sunlight of morning , she wasn 't sure whether she 'd left her bed at all . She didn 't think she 'd ever sleepwalked before . It had felt so real . She stared into her bowl of cereal , but all she could see was Grandma June 's face … or rather , the blank , featureless mask where her face should have been , lying against a ruffled , rose - printed pillow . It had looked like a face Evie might have sculpted from clay in one of her art classes , smooth and unwrinkled , with little marks from her fingernail for eyes , nose , mouth . Evie shook her head , clearing it of the horrible lingering nightmare . " No , " she said , squaring her shoulders . She 'd had bad dreams before - none like that , admittedly , but she 'd had them , and they always wore off . No reason to ruin a perfectly good day . " No , I 'm all right . Let 's go for another walk . " " As you wish , " said Grandma June , her smile making all her lovely wrinkles deepen . Evie breathed a sigh of relief . Everything was back to normal , the nightmare was fading already . " And for you , young lady , I have these , " said Mr . Patel , moving to a nearby table and picking up a pot of the most beautiful lilies , striped with orange . Evie startled . Grandma June must have told him those were her favorites . Evie wandered around the shop , barely listening to the discussion about how best to keep pests away from Grandma 's perfect flowers . The scent in here was almost overwhelming , but in a good way ; she breathed deeply and inspected all the different plants , orchids and sunflowers and spiky little cactuses . The memory of the nightmare was almost completely gone now , but a new thought had replaced it . She thought she might know why Grandma June seemed a little bit new here . Grandma June gave Evie a look . " And with you , I 'm Grandma June , " she said , smiling . " You 're right , you know . I 've noticed it more too since I moved here . We are all different people to different people , does that make sense ? We make friends for all kinds of reasons , and together , all those reasons make up an entire person , like you , or me . " Evie thought about this for a minute . She had her very best friend ; they always went to the library together , but at school , she played hopscotch or tag with other kids . And she thought her next - door neighbor was annoying because he was younger than her , but when he invited her up to his treehouse , he was sort of all right . Those were all different parts of Evie , but they were still all Evie . She was just seeing new sides of Grandma June , here in the new village with all her new friends . Evie blinked and squinted . She was sure she 'd seen a light in the topmost window , just visible over the roofs of the other houses . But it was off now . It was Evie 's last night with Grandma June . Part of her was sad , and part of her was not . The part that was sad would miss the reading , the gardening , the walks and apple pies . The part of her that was not wanted a good night 's sleep in her own bed , where she never had that dream . Every night since the first time , she had dreamed of waking up , getting out of bed , creeping to Grandma June 's room , seeing the featureless , clay - like face on the pillow . And every night , she had stopped herself from waking up Grandma June in the dream , afraid of what might happen if she did . Would Grandma wake up in real life ? Would Evie ? Would both of them scream at once ? Moonlight shone in through the windows . The carpet was soft under Evie 's toes . She was asleep , she knew it , but she had to follow the nightmare through to its end . Grandma June 's bedroom door opened without a squeak , and the terrifying , blank face slept on the pillow . Evie did scream this time . And it did not wake Grandma June . She wheeled around , peering into the shadowy corners . A ghostly , wispy shape hovered in front of her , its face as blank as Grandma 's . " It is so lovely to finally meet you properly , " said the shape . " Of course , I have been meeting you in all manner of ways for two weeks now . Evie , who loves lilies but not broccoli , and reading but not the girl who pulls her hair at school . " " A good question , " said the wispy thing . " I am everyone . Do you remember the conversation you had with your grandmother ? With me ? We are all different people to different people . You , my darling , are a prism , each facet of you casting a new rainbow to the chosen few who see it . " The shape shimmered in the darkness . And there , standing before her , awake and smiling , was Grandma June . The Grandma June behind Evie in the bed rolled over and muttered something in her sleep . The shape shimmered again , and there was Mrs . Watson . Again , and there was Mr . Patel from the flower shop . " I had to learn everything I could about you , " it said . " All the different things you 'd tell different people , that together make up who you are . Only then could you become part of me . " Evie , the real Evie - for she was real , wasn 't she ? Real and asleep and having the most terrible dream - closed her eyes and ran , stumbling blindly from the room , crashing into the wall , feeling her way to her own bed . She clutched Henry the elephant to her chest and refused to open her eyes until the sun was high in the sky . She waited on the porch for the familiar car , glancing between the road and all of Grandma June 's flowers . Her little green case sat beside her , and Grandma June was in one of the wicker chairs , sipping at her tea with a smile . The moment the car came into view , Evie jumped up and ran down to the driveway . " I will , " said Grandma June , kissing Evie 's mother 's cheek . " We 've had a wonderful time here . I 'm already planning all the things we 'll do next summer . " A sick feeling filled Evie 's stomach , but she forced a smile and nodded . She might have the nightmare here again , if she came back . She might have it at home , but she didn 't want to think about that . She hugged Grandma June goodbye . It felt like Grandma June . Bunting flags snapped . A clown smiled at her with wide , painted red lips that looked as sticky as her own felt . Ruby stepped away , behind her mother , and watched a woman catch a tossed ribbon of flame in a bare hand , her grin never wavering with pain . Ruby huffed . Her brother wasn 't the only one getting older , and this year , the hall of mirrors would not scare her . Clowns were still strange , because they pretended to be something they weren 't , but the mirrors would pretend to be something Ruby wasn 't . She understood the difference now . " I 'm positive . " It was quiet inside . Quieter , at least , filled with murmurings and footsteps tapping on the temporary wooden floor . And cooler , definitely , away from the sun . Mirrors faced and angled , gleaming away to the end of the tent . Barely one step in and already she could see ten of her and her parents , each reflection showing a different shape and size . This one made the three of them look as if they ate candy floss and ice cream for every meal , that one stretched them taller than even the man who stalked the fair on stilts . Ruby ran from one to another , her face swirling like an oil painting or dripping down into her socks . Here was a room within the tent , just one gap to step through so she was nearly surrounded . Here it really was quiet , a silence that rang in her ears after a day full of sound as loud as the clowns ' bright wigs , lime green and lemon yellow and purple that has no fruit . It wasn 't simply cooler here , it was cold . Ruby shivered . She approached the first mirror . It showed her laughing , though she knew she wasn 't . In the next , shining tears ran down her face in the silver surface , so real she reached up to touch her cheek , dry and chilled . The following showed her asleep while she was awake , the one after that , dancing as she stood still . She reminded herself that none of this was truly real , it was meant to be just real enough to be strange . Her whisper bounced off the mirrors and back into her ears . But the last one was real , or so it looked . Good grief , she had chocolate ice cream on her shirt . She wiggled her fingers and the mirror waved back . Ruby stepped toward it , closer , closer . The sun beat down . People were all around . Oops . She hadn 't meant to find the exit , and she 'd better run back to find mum and dad before they noticed she was missing . The door , however - for it must have been a door - had swung shut and locked behind her . She didn 't remember seeing the actual door part of the door . All those mirrors had played tricks on her eyes , and the bright , blinding sun wasn 't much better , but all she had to do was walk round the outside of the tent to where she 'd gone in with mum and dad . " Excuse me , " she said , trying not to let her voice shake . " Do you know where the entrance is ? " If she said she was lost , the lady in front of her would take her hand and shout for help , and Ruby wasn 't lost . She couldn 't find the door , that 's all . All the people stopped what they were doing . Ruby felt the weight of a hundred stares , hotter than the sun . " I … I 'm sorry ? I just need to go into the tent . " " Why would you want to do that ? " asked a man , nearing her . There was something … odd … about his face . Something odd about the expression he wore . " You could stay here with us . " She had lived in the same town her whole life . Gone to its schools and played in its parks . Watched the sun set over the flat fields surrounding it that , once a year , gave up a few acres for the fair . " Where am I ? " she asked , her gaze climbing , climbing , climbing the tall hills all around . This time , her voice did shake . " I think … I think you have frightened her , Godric , " said the woman Ruby had asked for help . " Have we frightened you ? We are sorry , little girl . We just want to learn from you . " " Learn from me ? No , I need to get back inside and find my mum and dad . They 'll be worried . " The tent rippled under her palm . " They will see you in the mirrors , " said the woman . " To them , you are still there . But really , you are here . Isn 't that clever ? And now you can teach us . " From the crowd of staring eyes , a girl near enough Ruby 's age stepped forward . She wore a pretty dress and had long , very straight black hair shielding a tanned face . She disappeared into another tent and returned a moment later , carrying the requested items . At Ruby 's feet , she knelt and scrubbed her face , droplets of water splashing the parched grass . Ruby could back away no further when Ingrid raised her head again , the stained cloth still in her hands . Stained with her face , or what had seemed to be her face . The long hair fell to the ground with a hiss , frizzy curls of purple ( that has no fruit ) springing up in its place . " We dislike that word . It is inaccurate , " said the man , Godric . " We are us . But we learn to be you , because you are very amusing . Show us how you walk . " There had been others . Others who had come through the door that wasn 't a door . Had they been allowed to return home ? Ruby didn 't ask . She didn 't want to hear the answer . Apparently , however , she didn 't need to . " Don 't worry , " said Ingrid . " We 'll show you the way , but please help us first ? We are always trying to get better at our craft . Come , look . " There were a hundred of them , at least , all in human clothes , with human bodies and human hands , wide red smiles and big red noses hiding under fake human faces . They gathered in a circle around Ruby as she moved slowly away from the tent and into another , where two long rails groaned , one under the weight of dresses and suits and shirts , the other huge striped outfits with buttons the size of dinner plates . Racks of dainty sandals and loafers stood beside boots Ruby could have bathed in . A long table held brushes and more pots of makeup than her mother could buy in a lifetime . " It takes a lot of work , " said the woman , leading Ruby back outside . The crowd was still there , waiting . Ruby scratched her head and they roared with laughter . Her arm dropped to her side . She bent over to tie her shoelace and a boy about her brother 's age joined her in the circle , copying every motion . After this , they all began to imitate her , a hundred reflections like in the hall of mirrors . They snapped their fingers , stuck out their tongues , danced on the spot an instant after she did , laughing madly all the while . She did everything she could think of , steps from her ballet lessons and karate classes , shouting instructions as if she was playing an enormous game of Simon Says . The boiling sun slid across the valley floor and over the hilltops . " I … " began Ruby . She couldn 't teach them that . Sadness was a thing that happened . You were or you weren 't . She frowned . One by one , their painted faces began to twist , slowly , painfully . They closed their eyes in concentration , trying to force their lips downward . It was the saddest thing Ruby had ever seen , but none of them could get it right . " No ! " Ruby shouted . It had all been almost fun , just for a minute , but now it wasn 't anymore . She couldn 't teach them to cry , and she was suddenly near tears herself , because what if they were lying about her parents not knowing she was gone ? " " I need to go back , too ! " She pushed her way through the crowd , hands grasping at her , clutching at her ice cream - stained shirt as if they could keep part of her for themselves . She ran to the tent , slapping at the rippling silk with her fists . " How do I get in ? Tell me ! There was a door , there must have been a door ! " Ruby stopped and pointed at Ingrid 's face . " That feeling , that is how to be sad , " she said , and she felt a little happier , despite everything , that she had taught Ingrid this . But not happy enough to stay . When Ingrid parted a section of curtain and revealed the mirrors beyond , Ruby ran inside . " Find the mirror that is truly you and step through it , " said Ingrid . Ruby ran back and forth , heart hammering , lost in her own twisted reflections . After what was surely far too long , she moved in front of one , ice cream stains and a pale , frightened face . " There you are ! " said her father cheerfully . " We thought we 'd lost you for a moment . Are we finished here ? Would you like a hot dog ? " His eyes worked well in the murky gloom , even if his mind did not . Inside the cave which he had made his home , chasing out several schools of fish in order to make room , he could see his long , slithery , scaly tail . If he concentrated , he could flick many gills that ran down the length of him independently of each other . And he couldn 't just stay in the cave , neither . If he did , he 'd never escape the cold . Every day - though it was impossible to tell whether it was day or night so far below the surface , it was simply morning whenever he awoke - he would flick his gills and swish his tail and rise , up , up , up . George always fished in the same spot . It was a good spot , and he knew some of the older fishermen looked upon it with envy , but there was rules about that sort of thing . Unwritten , because not all of ' em could use a pencil , and unspoken , because some things just didn 't need to be said . A person 's patch was their own , even if the exact water in it wasn 't the same one day to the next . The spirit of the water was the same , and that 's what mattered . " Morning , Georgie , " said a voice behind him . George turned on the slippery rock but kept his line steady in the water . It was Old Lewis , who had been old for so long the wrinkles were as much part of his face as scales were part of a fish . " Morning , Old Lewis , " said George . " Shouldn 't you be off on your boat ? I 'll beat you at the count if you don 't get a move on . " The count was a daily ritual , as each fisherman brought his catch to market , hoping to be the one who 'd caught the most . It 'd been George a few times since he 'd started back at the start of summer . The fishing rod had been the only thing for his dad to leave him when the fever 'd done its final , deadly work , but that was all George needed . The rod and the patch . With those , a boy could make a life and grow as old as Old Lewis . " Not today . " Over Old Lewis 's head , clouds had moved in across the sky , but there were still large patches of blue . " Won 't see none of us out today . " " Why not ? " George asked . " Doesn 't look like a storm to me . I 'll get my share of fish and all yours besides . " " So he didn 't tell you , " muttered Old Lewis under his breath . His old bones creaked as he settled himself next to George on the slippery rock . " Your dad should 've had a word with you about this day , lad . " The water rippled . The breeze wandered through the trees along the shore as if whistling for a lost dog . It was another day . George had fished a hundred of them this summer . " We do not fish today , " said Old Lewis . " The seas and lakes and rivers are good to us , and we must in turn be good to them . The spirits who watch from the depths deserve a day 's rest in return for the food they put on our table . " Old Lewis 's bones groaned again as he stood . " Well , then I suppose we must all make our own mistakes in this life , Georgie . But if you pack up your gear , you can come lunch with me and the others . " For months , George had been waiting for this very invitation . Pride warred with the ever - growling stomach of a young boy . He could stay here and fish , he could show ' em , but he might never be asked this again . A sign he belonged , that the others saw him as one of their own . Quickly , he stowed his line and worms , the little box of buzzing flies that some of the nibblers loved and which he trapped with the help of a large spider that lived in the corner of his room . He followed Old Lewis to the hut next to the market in the middle of the village where all the fishermen gathered . Inside , a table was laden with breads and pickles and butter and huge platters of pink - fleshed trout , cooked crisp on the outside just as George liked it . Hands clapped his shoulders as he was guided to a seat that must once have been his fathers . The cold and dark were terrible . The beast swam through the water , holding on to the few memories he had left . Close to the surface , he kept watch for a lure , a fly , the shadow of a boat . So far , he had seen nothing at all , not in all his time in the water . He knew they must be up there , but he could not see them , or smell them . As he had caught the last one . He remembered it rising from the waves under the sunset , smiling with a huge mouthful of teeth , joyfully thrashing its fins . Not a fish , a monster wrinkled as Old Lewis , eagerly snapping at George 's lure . Around him , the waters sang , voices in his ears , the spirits of the seas and oceans and rivers . Today was the day the fish swam safely . Today was the day an enormous sea serpent would try to be caught . But there were no lines , no flies , no feathers . He swam around the shores , eyes peeking above the surface to the land all around , empty of a single soul . Silent . The room is cold , no matter how much wood Papa orders for the hearth . I 'm in the parlor now , a bed made up for me . They say it 's so I don 't have to climb the stairs , but it 's been days since I could even stand . It 's so I don 't sicken Beatrice and Theo . They have been lucky so far , but the fever needs to take someone . It might , perhaps , seem odd that the first thing I notice is that my clothing is different . Looking back , I should have noticed the darkness first , or the feeling of being somewhere very small . The strange sound coming from above , too . But , regardless , the first thing is the cuffs of my dress . I know it 's my Sunday best , because the cuffs were too tight right from the first moment Mama buttoned me into it , and the collar itched . I scratch my neck . My skin is cool , cold even , and in the pitch black I smile widely . The fever has broken ! Doctor was wrong , and I will be all right again . " Mama ! " I call . My throat is dry , I need some water from the jug in the corner . Mama will bring me some when she hears me . " Mama ! " I call again . Now is when I notice the noise above , because suddenly it comes with muffled voices . " Shhh , listen ! She 's awake ! Hurry , lads ! " The scraping gets louder , closer , stopping with a very loud bang that seems to fill the whole world . " I must be , " I say , because I 'm not quite certain anymore . Before the fever delirium took me , I was a clever girl , and pieces are coming together like in the wooden puzzles my governesses used to give me . " Am I dead ? " " She 's takin ' it well , " says one of the others . " Remember what you were like , Tim ? Wailin ' and blubberin ' all over the shop . ' Ere , Lily , stand up if you can , reach for Gareth 's hands there . " I do as I 'm told , let the boy who first spoke pull me up , my good leather shoes scuffing on the climb up to the grass . Headstones glow all round like teeth , but I don 't have one yet . " How long was I in there ? " I ask . I think possibly my fever hasn 't broken after all , any moment I will wake in the parlor , hot and shaken from this horrible dream . " You was buried just this afternoon , " says Gareth . " Nice sendoff you got , too . Couldn 't move for carriages and plumes . Never seen so much mourning silk in my life or after . Posh family , you had , eh ? " " Fill ' er in , chaps , " says Gareth , and the sound of the shovels starts up again , pouring earth back into the hole . " Can 't leave a mess , " he explains , " or someone 'll know we 've been ' ere . That wouldn 't do , would it ? " " It 's good to be tidy , " I say , though what I wish to say is , " what is happening ? Where am I ? " For certain this is a dream , then , that happens all the time in dreams , that you don 't say what you mean to . Gareth puts his hand on my shoulder , next to the scratchy collar of my Sunday best dress . He looks a friendly sort of boy , a bit like Theo , really , though older than both of us by a good year or two . " I want to go home . " I want to wake up . " I know . " It might just be the odd moonlight , but for an instant his brown eyes are sad before he brightens again and turns back to the grave . . " Nearly done ? " " Respect your elders , Timothy . " But Gareth picks up his shovel and scoops in bigger clods of earth than the rest . Run , I tell myself , but my legs are dream - heavy , filled with saltwater and sand . I watch them pat the last crumbs in place , faces reddened , streaked with sweat at their brows . " Right , that 's good enough . Rains 'll come in an hour or two , anyways . Ready to go , Lily ? " " Ah , yes . I 've been terrible rude , haven 't I ? I 'm Gareth . That one there is Timothy , and the one next to him looks like butter wouldn 't melt is Sam . " The one named Sam doffs his cap to me . " And the last is Legs . Not ' is real name , course . Never says a word , but you won 't beat him in a foot race . " They 're all as clean as it 's possible to be after digging a hole and filling it again , their cheeks are plump and pink , clothes worn but mended . I see all these things as I follow them to the graveyard gates , watch mutely as Sam neatly picks the lock to let us out . It 's easier to walk than I thought it might be , but I 'm worried by Legs if I try to get away . Besides , they seem friendly enough , for now , and if I run , I am alone . I don 't know this part of London , and the night - chill is soaking through my Sunday best dress . That , and this is a dream so it doesn 't matter . I will wake soon enough . " Where are we going ? " I ask , and this time the words come exactly as I intend . I still want some cold water from the jug in the corner of the parlor . " There , " says Gareth , pointing to the face of a bone white building with blood red shutters at the windows . His eyes flick to one of them . " Lovely , Master 's asleep . You 'll meet ' im proper in the morning , young Lily . We 'll show you the ropes ' til then . " Gareth laughs , a dry , hollow laugh . " In a manner of speaking . In another , we are right on time . Come in . Wipe your feet just there , Master does not like mud , though the device takes care of it quick enough . " As if it was summoned , the most bizarre thing I have ever laid eyes upon shudders and roars at the far end of the corridor and begins to move toward us . I hear a ticking , like clockwork , and steam whistles from pipes atop it , the big copper beast . I back up against the door , pushing Timothy and Legs out of my way , but the thing comes closer , and closer still . I open my mouth to scream , but Legs clamps his hand over it . " Shhh ! " says Sam . " We mustn 't wake the others , they need their sleep . It won 't ' urt you , promise . " I do not believe that . I feel it could suck me into its tangle of pipes easy as the mud it clears from the floor . Frozen , I don 't so much as blink until it starts to retreat the way it came . " One of Master 's inventions . There 's others , plenty of ' em , " says Gareth . " Come to the kitchens , I 'll bet you wouldn 't say no to a cup of tea . " I am still very thirsty . I very much want to wake up . Does dream - tea satisfy real thirst ? I do not know . I 'm taken to the kitchens to find out , but stop in the doorway . The cleaning device seems suddenly far less frightening than what I see in front of me . I don 't spend much time in the kitchens at home ; Cook always chases me out , tells me little hands are nothing but bother . I 'm certain , however , that we don 't have a great many of these things . Everything is whirring and bubbling and steaming , with no one to watch over any of it . A pot stirs itself by means of a spoon on a long metal arm , a strange machine atop a long , scrubbed wooden table slowly peels a pile of apples . " Drink your cuppa , " says Gareth , giving me a tin mug . It looks like tea . It smells like tea . It 's warm , and I 'm chilled and thirsty . And , all at once , I 've had more than quite enough , thank you . I want to wake up , which means getting to the very middle of the dream . I slam the cup down on the table . It sloshes over the cuffs of my Sunday best dress in a very real fashion . " Where am I ? " Legs holds up one finger ; Gareth nods . " Sam , get a lantern . Don 't be frightened , " he tells me , taking my hand . " It 's really all right . " But when I see the rows of beds , filled each by sleeping children , I wish to scream . " Look at their faces , " Gareth whispers , and I do . One close by shifts , disturbed by the lamplight . His gold curls shimmer , plump lips purse . " Now , the gallery . " I 'm pulled from the room , taken down a corridor to another . In this one , Sam dispenses with the lantern in his hand , pulls a cord hanging from the ceiling and the brightest lights ever to blind me flicker into near daylight . " Oy , watch it , you twit ! She won 't be able to see anything . " But I blink , and I can . The room is close to empty , just a few chairs scattered over the enormous floor . The walls are lined with rows and rows of pictures . A box sits on a three - legged stand , a big glass eye on the front of it watching me , following me as I step forward . Gareth tugs on my hand . " ' Ere I am . " He points to one of the photographs . He 's not alone , a family surrounds him . " And there 's Sam , and Timothy . " Legs slips past us to gaze at another one . I move to look , beside his is a picture of the sleeping boy with the gold curls . He is in a chair , eyes wide and blank , staring straight ahead . The picture tumbles from my grasp , glass shattering into a thousand sharp tears on the floor . I knew Mama and Papa would do this , I had heard them talking when they thought I was too fevered to listen . It was not an uncommon thing to do , one final photograph by which to remember me , and in which I would not appear sick because it was far , far too late for that . " Master Bartleby is a very skilled inventor , " says Gareth . " Across many oceans , there 's an idea that a photograph removes the soul , just as death do . Master 's special camera gives it back . ' E pricks you with a needle during the sitting , so 's you don 't wake up again too soon . Best to wait until you 're buried and fetch you again . " My bubbling scream finally fights its way free of my throat . Legs clamps his hand over my mouth once more , though just an instant ago he was half across the room . He lifts me as if I were a feather from one of the birds I watched through the window beside my sickbed and carries me to a chair . My eyes flood , breath comes in desperate gasps . I am still breathing , crying . That must be against the rules ! " Shhh , " says Sam , patting my head . " We 've all been ' ere . Sleep , Lily . You will still sleep , and eat , and run about . It 'll look brighter after a rest . " " Welcome , Miss Lily , " says a man sitting in another chair . His waistcoat is very fine , pocketwatch gleaming . He has a wide moustache , wider even than Papa 's , and bushy eyebrows , but his head shines like a marble in the sunlight . " I do apologize for not being about to greet you when you arrived in the night , but we may acquaint ourselves now that we are fresh . Would you care for breakfast ? " " This is your home now , " he says , and a knife 's - edge of chilliness slices through his words . " You , see , Miss Lily , were you to return to your fine home in Mayfair , you would not even frighten your parents with your return from the deceased . They would simply not see you . " " I know you may not believe me , but you will . Your very special qualities as a … formerly alive … child are precisely what make you of such use to me . My inventions cost money to create , and I must create ! I will change the world , show them the power of clockwork and steam in ways they have never dreamed . It is now your job to assist me in this . " " I won 't work for you ! " I cry . " I won 't ! " I do not even know what it is he means for me to do , but I know I will do none of it . I do not let Gareth take my hand this time , but I follow , if only to get away from the horrid man . " Are you ' ungry ? Would you like clean clothing ? " The others are waiting , but there are more of them now . All the sleeping children from the dormitory , gathering shoes and coats and forming small groups . " Get a good ' aul today , chickens , " says Timothy . " This is Lily , you may meet ' er proper later . " One of them opens the door and they all rush out , the groups scampering in different directions . " Reckon Knightsbridge is a good place to ' it today , " says Gareth . " Off we go . " Legs stays very close to me , close enough I feel I cannot breathe . I try not breathing at all , last a minute before I gasp . He doesn 't say a word , but smiles as if he knows what I have just done , and why . It isn 't a long walk to Knightsbridge , soon we are enveloped in a crush of finery and leisure . Ladies out for a stroll , gents tapping their walking sticks on the ground . From the corner of my eye , I see Gareth neatly , swiftly unclasp a diamond bracelet and drop it into his pocket . " Or ' ear us , or feel us , " agrees Gareth . " Master Bartleby can , but he refuses to say how . We 've all tried to trick him into saying , but no dice yet . One day . We 're not short on time to figure it out . " Every day , I watch for a chance never given to me . Someone is always watching , waiting for me to try to escape . I meet the others , take my own bed in the dormitory . I speak very little , but I start to eat . The hunger overwhelmed me . Every day , I am taken out with Gareth , Sam , Timothy and Legs , watch as they gather riches with which Master Bartleby can pay for his many inventions . " Today , " Sam says to Gareth . Gareth nods in agreement at whatever they 're talking about . I put on my shoes by the door and go with them . The buildings surrounding the Institute are familiar now . We leave them behind , walk through a strange part of London , and then I know where I am again . " Mama ! " I scream , breaking free of Legs and running , running , running . All the way up to her , Legs an inch too late , Gareth a few feet . With trembling fingers , I reach up . The clasp is fiddly and I can 't get it open at first , but Mama is busy searching for something in her pockets . The chain comes free and falls into my palm . " Mama ! " I say again . " Put it on , you can remember her by it , " says Sam . " We all ' ave something . " He holds up a hand , a shiny ring glints . Gently , Gareth takes the bauble from me and affixes it round my neck . " I want to go home , " I cry . I stand , and follow the others back to the Institute of Lateness . There was a whispering , a muttering , a hum . There weren 't so many of them that a birthday was an everyday occurrence . Especially not this birthday . The package was blue , a blue of skies and flowers . He 'd seen them in all colors over the years , for as long as he could remember . " Open it , " the others begged , but the boy shook his head . That wasn 't done . He ate his stew in silence , eyes never leaving the small , square box . While the rest of the children exclaimed in delight over the rare cake , he scarcely tasted it . Only a faint impression of sweetness left itself on his tongue . There was a whispering , a muttering , a hum , and it swelled as he reached the door . They were guessing . In his time , he 'd done plenty of that himself , every time he 'd watched someone else celebrate this birthday . Head Matron didn 't say a word . She draped a warm cloak round his shoulders , held out a coarsely woven sack for him to take with his free hand . The boy saw the one who taught him maths wipe her eyes . Well , he was good with his numbers , and he 'd always taken care to help the ones who struggled . Perhaps she 'd miss him most of all . He gave her a smile , which she returned with a weak one of her own . It was a long walk down the path to the gates set into the walls that surrounded the orphanage . A second brass key , this one from Head Matron 's pocket , turned the lock with the tiniest of clicks . The gates creaked . " Thank you , " said the boy , because he felt he should . She had , after all , kept him safe and warm and fed his whole life , or near to it as mattered . He 'd kept his bed and table tidy , never been rude at mealtimes , or spoken out of turn in lessons , and thus she had never given him a cruel word . And now , she gave him none at all . Nodding , she gestured through the gate and , for the first time , he stepped outside the orphanage 's confines , with the entire world spread out before him like an adventure . When the gate swung shut and locked behind him , he barely heard it . The Gift slipped in his slightly clammy hand . He could open it now , if he wished , but curiously , he did not . Not yet . While it was still wrapped and pretty , it could be anything , and there was a delightful wonder to that , wasn 't there ? Certainly , the other children would still be guessing as they made their way to the dormitories and climbed under scratchy blankets . Some said it was a fat gold coin , enough riches to make life in the city on the other side of the forest that surrounded the grand , old , crumbling house . Others thought it was a map , unique to each child , with which they might find any family left to them . It could be the key to a palace , a blood red jewel the size of a plum . Those with great imaginations and a keenness for fairy stories were sure it was a gift in the truest sense , and that opening the package would grant something wonderful , magical ; the ability to soar high above the treetops , or become as invisible as the wind which rippled the boy 's new cloak . If it would let him fly , he wouldn 't have to walk through the woods , which at the moment looked very deep , and dark , and getting darker with each inch the sun dropped in the sky . Behind him , the windows glowed , and the boy thought for a moment about turning back , asking to stay until morning . But the Gift always came with supper , and nobody ever returned . He would not be the first . He would brave the forest , as every child before him had , and make his way to the city . Yes . He would walk for a while through the trees , and when he became tired or hungry , he would find a clearing and curl up for the night . There , alone , he 'd open the package and see what clue to his new life it held . Looking out from the dormitory window at the vast swathe of green treetops , he 'd imagined the forest to be a calm , quiet place , far more peaceful than a house full of children . Now that he was inside it , however , it sang with a symphony of noise ; birds and leaves and scuttling creatures . But it was not unpleasant , indeed it felt like a sort of company , so that he was not so very alone . He thanked his luck at such a perfect spot . A large boulder , its surface worn smooth , gave an ideal place to lean against as he sat on the hard ground and placed the blue - wrapped package in front of him . Still , it could be anything . Wailing , ghostly figures emerged from the trees to surround him . A cry of fright trapped in his throat , unwilling to come out . The blue paper caught the moonlight . It must be something to help him , protect him ! With near frozen , trembling fingers , the boy tore open the Gift , paper blowing away across the clearing . The air filled with a scream , bursting from the box to join the cacophony of sound in the forest . He could not run back , they would chase him and it was too far . He couldn 't warn the others at the orphanage . |
It is time to play a Wild Card ! Every now and then , a book that I have chosen to read is going to pop up as a FIRST Wild Card Tour . Get dealt into the game ! ( Just click the button ! ) Wild Card Tours feature an author and his / her book 's FIRST chapter ! FaithWords ( November 5 , 2008 ) ABOUT THE AUTHORs : Stephen Baldwin , actor , family man , born - again Christian . Through an impressive body of work , Stephen continues to be a popular and sought - after talent in the film and television industry . Stephen makes his home in upstate New York with his wife and two young daughters . List Price : $ 13 . 99 Paperback : 320 pages Publisher : FaithWords ( November 5 , 2008 ) Language : English ISBN - 10 : 0446196991 ISBN - 13 : 978 - 0446196994 AND NOW … THE FIRST CHAPTER : ANDY MYERS DIDN ' T want children . That was one of his conditions when he married my mom . No kids . Period . Case closed . You would think someone so adamant about not reproducing would have gone out and had a vasectomy , but Andy didn 't think that way . He didn 't want kids ; keeping that from happening was my mother 's responsibility . When she failed , he immediately made an appointment for her at an abortion clinic in Indianapolis . He didn 't ask . He just assumed she would terminate my life before my feet ever hit the ground . She refused . He walked out . And I didn 't hear from him until I was thirteen . I think he sent money to my mother every month , at least while he was able . I 'm pretty sure he did . The courts probably made him , and a cop like my dad wouldn 't risk going to jail , at least not over something as insignificant as money . I guess that explains why I always hated my old man . Despising him was imprinted on my DNA just as surely as my dark brown hair and blue eyes . The girls always loved my blue eyes . More than one lost her moral resolve when I put those baby blues to work . I got my eyes from Andy . I think they may have been part of the hook he used on my mom . I 'm not sure . My mom never talked about him that way . For that matter , she hardly talked about anything that happened before she and I moved to St . Louis from her hometown in Indiana when I was really little . I didn 't even know I had my dad 's eyes until I looked into them for the fi rst time ten years ago . There was no mistaking the eyes , even with that thick sheet of glass between us . I think of that hatred in a different way , now that I am on the other side of the equation , with a son of my own . And I think about Andy Myers a little different as well . You know , life is funny . If my life had gone the way it was supposed to , I wouldn 't be sitting here with you right now . I would be somewhere , assuming I survived as long as I have , but I wouldn 't be sitting on the beach of Lake Michigan , watching my wife and son play in the water and talking to you . When I stand back and look at my family in this place , we look like the happy ending of one of those Hallmark Hall of Fame movies my wife loves to cry through . My life shouldn 't have turned out this way , not that I 'm complaining . But it strikes me as sort of hilarious to think that if my father hadn 't walked out on me , none of this would have happened . I hated him for what he did . Who would have ever thought it would have led to this ? It all goes back to when I was about the same age as my little boy . Back then my dad worked as a cop in Trask , Indiana . Believe it or not , my wife and I live there now . We moved there a few years ago , but that 's another story in itself . As for my dad , everyone in town knew him when he lived there . That doesn 't mean they liked him , but they knew him . He grew up just outside of town , and made a name for himself as the star athlete in the local high school . In a school as small as Trask High , it doesn 't take a lot of talent to stand out from the pack . After high school , my old man got it in his head that a career in sports was in his future . He tried walking onto the Ball State football team , but didn 't make it past the first few days of practice . After Ball State , he tried a few of the local small colleges , without success . Eventually he quit college altogether and joined the navy before the army could draft him . Vietnam was still going on , so my old man figured spending a couple of years on a boat beat getting shot at in a jungle . My dad wasn 't a violent man , but he never lost that star athlete swagger he carried around the high school campus . I 'm not sure why he moved back to his hometown after the navy . I guess there are worse places to live . He met my mother soon after , but that didn 't turn out so well . Around the time the two of them got married , he joined the local police force . No one ever told me why my dad became a cop . I don 't know if a career in law enforcement was his lifelong goal , or if he just sort of fell into it . At this point , I guess it doesn 't matter . All these years later I occasionally hear stories about him , but I think that has more to do with the way his career ended than anything else . No one ever signed off from police work quite like my old man . I came along less than two years after my parents got married . By then my mother was a single mom . My dad walked out on her when he found out she was pregnant . Now I could understand him leaving if she 'd been out whoring around , but my mother wasn 't like that . No , my dad walked out because my mother made the mistake of giving birth to his child . Like I said , Andy Myers didn 't want children , and my arrival did nothing to change his mind . He was gone by the time I was born , and my mom moved the two of us to St . Louis not long after . Like I said , when I was about the same age as my son , Andy Myers ( and if it is all the same to you , I would prefer calling him by his given name . I 've already called him " dad " more in the last few minutes than I have in my entire life ) worked as a cop in our beloved metropolis of Trask . I don 't know if living alone was making him have second thoughts , but he started seeing another woman . He 'd been with other women before Loraine Phillips , if you know what I mean , but those relationships were all very short - lived . Loraine was different . His time with her could actually be measured in months , not hours . The way he tells it , they weren 't so much dating as using one another to cure one another 's loneliness . That sounds like a load of bull to me , but , hey , it 's his life . He can tell himself whatever lies he wants . The two of them met in a bar , and they ended up in bed back at his apartment the same night . Again , that wasn 't exactly a remarkable event for Andy Myers . He thought of himself as six feet one inch , 205 pounds of sex appeal . And he had those killer blue eyes . Throw the whole package together , and look out . At least that 's what he says . He seems to think he was really something back in the day . But I don 't think getting Loraine into bed had as much to do with my old man 's charms as it did with her sexual appetite . After that first encounter , he tried to play the gentleman and begin a real dating relationship with her . But the first time he went by her place to pick her up , she met him at the door wearing nothing but a twelve - pack of Bud and a seethrough gown from Frederick 's of Hollywood and started clawing at his clothes . I 'm thirty - two , and it still creeps me out to think my own father told me this stuff , but he did . I guess he needed to . My story doesn 't really make sense without it . That night pretty much set the tone for the rest of their relationship . They never went out on actual dates . For that matter , they never really had an in - depth conversation , either live or over the phone . They would go as long as two or three weeks without talking , but then she would call and ask my dad if he had time to drop by . He knew what that meant . And he never said no . At times he felt a little guilty about the whole thing , but the sex was good and Loraine never seemed to want much more than a purely physical relationship . Besides , with a body like hers , few men would have complained . Andy 's friends thought he 'd fallen into every man 's fantasy : a hot woman , wild sex , and no strings attached . What could be better ? He knew the answer even then , although he couldn 't admit it to himself . Andy didn 't know Loraine had a kid until he 'd been with her for several months . The boy was never around when Loraine called , and she kept any signs of him out of view when Andy came by . Her system worked pretty well until the kid walked into the kitchen one Saturday morning . Andy was sitting there , eating a bowl of cereal in his underwear , when the boy came up , stuck out his hand , and said , " Hi , I 'm Gabriel . Gabriel Phillips . What 's your name ? " Finding a strange man sitting in his underwear in my kitchen when I was Gabe 's age would have sent me running down the hall screaming for my mother , but the sight of Andy didn 't seem to faze Gabe . He sounded like he was running for mayor at eight years of age . I bet my old man nearly crapped his pants at the sight of him . Then the kid said , " You like Cap ' n Crunch , too ? It 's my favorite , but my mom hardly ever buys it . Says too much sugar is bad for me . But it sure does taste good . " Andy fumbled over his words and said , " Yeah , they 're real good , " or something like that . He always was a great conversationalist . I don 't know which is weirder : the fact that Gabe wasn 't scared by a strange man in his kitchen , or that Andy wasn 't scared off by discovering the woman he was seeing had a kid . Neither one makes much sense to me . I guess I should be jealous of Gabriel Phillips since he was the only exception to the " no kids allowed " rule my dad ever made . I should , but I 'm not . Not anymore . Andy told me there was a quirky , awkward charm about Gabe that drew people to him . He was a little guy , really small for his age , which he came by naturally - the kid 's dad wasn 't exactly Shaquille O ' Neal . Once you got to know Gabe he didn 't seem so small ; he almost seemed like an adult . Keep in mind , I got all of my information secondhand several years later , and time has a way of glossing over any faults and amplifying people 's good qualities . Be that as it may , Gabriel Phillips , I am told , genuinely cared about people , especially people others overlooked . People were just drawn to him . Maybe it was something supernatural . I 'm not sure . But it sure cast a spell over my old man . Meeting Gabe didn 't make Andy run away . If anything , it made him more of a " boyfriend " than he 'd ever been before . He started going by Loraine 's house on a more regular basis . And not just for sex . He tried taking both mother and son out on something like dates . When Loraine feigned headaches , Andy still took Gabe . They went to ball games , or to the local hamburger stand , or wherever . Andy often said , " I 'd never met another child quite like him . " And the first time he said it to me , I walked out on him . The last time they were together , Andy drove Gabe down to Cincinnati for a Reds game . Loraine was supposed to go , too , but she didn 't . I doubt if she ever said why . Maybe she didn 't want to be stuck in a car with the two of them for two hours each way . Or maybe , like me , she thought it a little strange that my dad took such an interest in the kid . Andy wasn 't trying to replace the boy 's father . Gabe already had one of those . I like to think maybe Andy saw in Gabe a little of what he could have had with me , but that 's more wishful thinking than anything else . And wishful thinking only makes things worse , not better . About a week after the Reds game , Andy was fighting to stay awake while working the graveyard shift . The Trask police force was always woefully understaffed , then and now , which meant Andy had to pull all - nighters at least one week out of the month . On this particular night he couldn 't shake the cobwebs out of his head . It wasn 't just because of the late hour . He 'd been over at Loraine 's house right before reporting for duty , and was still in the fog that sleep usually takes care of after such activity . He was so out of it that the police dispatcher didn 't get a response from him until she radioed a second time . " Trask 52 - 2 , " the dispatcher said , " we have a 10 - 16 at 873 East Madison , apartment 323 . That 's a report of a domestic disturbance at eight - seven - three East Madison , number three - two - three . " He switched on the car dome light and fumbled for a pen and paper to write down the apartment number . They didn 't have fancy in - car computers back then . Andy suppressed a yawn , picked up his mic , and radioed back , " 10 - 4 , dispatch . Trask 52 - 2 is 10 - 8 . " 10 - 8 means " in service . " " 10 - 4 , 52 - 2 at two - oh - six . By the way , Andy , we 've had three calls from the same location . You want me to get the sheriff 's department headed that way to back you up ? " " Naaaahhhh , " Andy yawned and said . " Let me check it out first . Probably nothing . No sense dragging anyone else out at this godforsaken hour if we don 't have to . " The mic hung in his hand as he stared at the apartment address he 'd written down . He cursed under his breath , then said to no one , " Good old Madison Park Apartments . What would an overnight shift be without at least one call from there ? " He let out another yawn , arched his back in an attempt to stretch the fatigue out of his body , then started his patrol car . Andy and every other Trask police officer could make the drive to the Madison Park Apartments from anywhere in town in their sleep . Late - night calls came from there at least once or twice a week . The walls were so thin that when someone coughed in one apartment , the people next door shouted , " Shut the hell up . " Most of the emergencies turned out to be nothing more than blaring televisions or couples arguing a little louder than they should . Andy figured this call would be more of the same . A handful of people milled around under the only working streetlight in the complex parking lot when Andy pulled in . A woman wearing an oversized T - shirt came running over as soon as he stepped out of his car . Immediately she started chewing on his ear . " What took you so long ? ! I called half an hour ago . " Andy recognized the woman everyone in town called " Crazy Cathy , " although she didn 't recognize him . At least not right off . About a month earlier he 'd arrested her for public intoxication . One day around noon she 'd gone for a walk down Main Street , bombed out of her mind , screaming obscenities at the lunchtime crowd going into the diner . She was notorious for that kind of stunt , which is why everyone called her Crazy Cathy , although Cathy wasn 't her real name . Even when she wasn 't drunk , she would walk around town , acting all nuts . All the kids in town thought she was hilarious , especially when she 'd been drinking . They would yell things at her to try to get her riled up . She died a few years before I moved to town . The way I hear it , she wandered out into the street while drunk and was hit by a truck . That 's not much of a way to die , even for Crazy Cathy . But she was cold sober the night she got my old man out in the middle of the night . At least she appeared to be . She kept yelling at Andy , " I know no one gives a damn about what happens out here . You think we 're all just a pain in the ass . " Her call to the police couldn 't have been much more than ten minutes earlier , but time slows to a crawl when you are waiting for a cop to show up . Andy didn 't try to defend himself . He just kept walking across the parking lot , growing more coherent with each step . There 's something about the gravelly sound of a chain - smoking woman 's voice that yanks you back to reality . " I 'm sorry , ma ' am . It 's been one of those nights " was all he could say . " Like hell it has , " she yelled back . " You think your night 's been bad ? You should have to listen to that kid carry on . He was screShe didn 't stop yelling until Andy got to the stairway leading up the outside of building three . He did his best to ignore her . " I 'm sorry , ma ' am , but you 're going to have to stay down here , " he said to her as he reached the stairs . " Don 't get too far away because I will need a full statement from you as soon as I check everything out . " Andy went about the business at hand . He went up the stairs of building three in search of apartment 323 . Another neighbor waited for him at the top of the stairs . " Oh , Officer , I 'm glad you 're here , " the woman said . To Andy , she looked like she may have been maybe twenty . As it turns out , she was a twenty - four - year - old single mother . Seems like half the population at Madison Park has always been made up of single moms . " My son came running into my room scared and crying , which is why I called , " she continued . " I started to go over and knock on the door myself , but I was a little nervous about doing it . I 've met the guy a few times . Our boys play together when his son stays with him , but I don 't know him well enough to knock on his door in the middle of the night , especially after what my son heard . " " That 's probably wise , ma ' am , " Andy said . He felt a little funny about calling someone " ma ' am " who looked like she had just graduated from high school . " You said your son heard something that shook him up ? " " Yes , sir . My son , he 's eight . He came running into my room . He was shaking , he was so scared . " " I 'll check it out . You should go back to your apartment , miss . I 'm sure everything is fine . There 's probably nothing here for your son to be afraid of , but if there is , I will take care of it . Which apartment are you in , just in case I need to get a statement from you ? " With that , the woman went back into her apartment . Andy heard the dead bolt turn and the slide of the chain into the extra lock . " These people sure are jittery , " Andy said with a sigh . He 'd never seen so many people get so shook up over a blaring television . Calls like this at this hour always turned out to be someone asleep in front of a blaring television stuck on the late , late show . Even before twenty - four hour cable networks , local stations broadcast late into the night , usually filling the dead air with old movies . Andy walked over to apartment 323 and listened at the door . He didn 't hear anything . No yelling . No banging . Nothing . He looked at his watch : 2 : 17 a . m . All the local stations would have switched from movies to test patterns by now . No wonder it was quiet . " Police department , " he called out as he knocked on the door . No response . He could see a light shining through the peephole . He knocked again , with more authority this time , and called out even louder to wake up the sleeper in front of the television , " Police . I need you to open the door , please . " As he waited for a response , he heard the muffled sound of a man 's voice on the other side . Andy reached up to bang on the door again , when it opened . A man in his mid - thirties motioned him inside as he continued talking on the phone . " Yes . Yes , " the man said , " thank you , Father . " The man turned his back and continued talking on the phone as though no one else was in the room . Andy took a quick glance around . A brown couch with oversized cushions , along with a ratty recliner , were the only furniture in the room . Andy also noticed the living room didn 't have a television . He looked closely at the man on the phone . He was wearing a faded polo - type shirt and a pair of Levi 501 's , but no shoes or socks . He was walking around barefoot on the linoleum tile of his apartment . " Sir , " Andy said , " I need you to get off the phone . " " Amen . Thanks , Eli . Hey , I gotta go . The police are here now . Thanks for praying . Keep it up . " The man spun around to untangle himself from the extra long cord , then hung up the phone . " I 'm sorry , Officer . I was just about to call . You were next on my list . He 's back here . " The man turned down the narrow hall toward the smaller of the two bedrooms . " It happened so fast , " he said with a matter - of - fact tone , " there just wasn 't any time . I ran in there as fast as I could , but by the time I got to him , it was already too late . I just had time to tell him good - bye and then he was gone . " Andy felt like he 'd walked into the middle of a conversation . The guy 's words didn 't make any sense and his demeanor just didn 't seem right . At least that 's how Andy remembered it when he told me about that night . He had trouble reading the guy , which set Andy 's nerves on edge . As a policeman , he prided himself on his ability to figure people out in an instant . I never thought he was as good at it as he did . " He 's in here , " the man said as he motioned into a small bedroom . Andy thought it odd that the man wouldn 't move past the doorway . When Andy looked into the room , the entire floor appeared to be painted red . The room was pretty small , maybe seven feet by nine feet , and most of that was filled with furniture and toys , which made the scene look bloodier than it really was . The remains of a shattered goldfish bowl lay near the dresser , the bottom drawer of which stood open . A small boy , maybe eight years of age , was on the bottom bunk . His skin had a bluish gray tint to it . Even before he got to him , Andy knew the boy was dead . Blood soaked the pillow under the child 's head , with a smear running along the side of the mattress up from the floor . Andy 's feet slipped as he hurried across the room , his adrenaline kicking into high gear . Instinctively , he knelt down beside the child and felt for a pulse in his neck . Nothing . Then he laid his head on the boy 's chest and listened for sounds of breath , but didn 't hear a thing . " How long has he been out ? " Andy shouted toward the boy 's father . " Ten . . . maybe fifteen minutes . I . . . I 'm not sure , " the man replied . " I don 't know how to do mouth - to - mouth , but I didn 't think it would do any good . I knew he was gone right after I got to him . " The man 's voice cracked just a little as he spoke . He swallowed hard and said , " I just knew he had already gone home . " Andy shook his head and muttered something under his breath that questioned the man 's emotional stability . He reached under the boy 's body to lift him off the bed and start CPR . As he raised him up , the boy 's limbs hung limp and lifeless . Most of the bleeding had stopped , although a few drips fell from the back of the boy 's head . The pillow was soaked crimson and the boy 's hair and shirt were wet . on the floor . About the only time my old man ever mentioned God or Jesus was when he was really upset . Even then , they were nothing but words , not divine beings . " Holy , holy Christ , " he said as he laid the boy on the floor and squared himself around to try to revive him . He reached under the boy 's neck to raise his head up for the three quick breaths he had only performed on Resusci Anne , the CPR dummy , up until that day . Only then did Andy take a close look at the boy . He looked him right in the face and it hit him . " Wait a minute . No . . . Gabe ? " he said . Suddenly adrenaline gave way to nausea . A lump of bile hit him in the back of the throat as Andy fought to keep his composure . " Gabe ? " he repeated . " You knew my son ? " Gabe 's father asked . " How ? " Andy kept staring into the boy 's face . " I 'm a friend of his mother , " he replied but didn 't elaborate . " How did . . . " Andy cleared his throat and tried to speak again . I guess in all the excitement he forgot about trying CPR , not that it would have done any good . The kid 's lips had already turned blue and his body was slightly cool to the touch . " How did this happen ? " " I - I . . . I 'm not exactly sure , " the boy 's father replied . " It all happened so fast . My boy had night terrors , and he would wake up screaming all the time . I guess you sort of get used to things like that after a while . They got even worse after his mother and I split up a while ago . I heard him screaming , but I thought I was the one having the bad dream . I woke up just in time to hear him fall . I ran in here , but I couldn 't do anything . I tried . Really , I tried , but I could feel his life slipping out of him , felt his spirit leaving . All I could do was kiss him good - bye and promise I would see him soon . Then he went home . " The boy 's father paused , then said , " Do you know what my son 's name means , Officer ? " That last question really got to my pop . He didn 't know what the meaning of a kid 's name had to do with anything , especially with the man 's kid lying dead on a cold , bloody linoleum floor . My old man also found the dad 's lack of emotion rather odd . This was far from the first time Andy had dealt with a family member after a death , but this was the first time he 'd seen a parent show so few signs of grief . A couple of years earlier he 'd had to break the news to a couple closing in on retirement age that their thirty - seven - year - old son had died in a car crash . A doctor had to come to the house to sedate them both . But this guy was calmer than a televangelist during a tax audit . Maybe he was in shock . Everyone responds to death in different ways , that 's what I think . My old man , he wasn 't so sure . " God is my strength , " the father went on . " Gabriel means ' God is my strength . ' His mother wanted to name him Keith , after Keith Moon , the drummer from the Who . She 's a big fan of the Who . The name just didn 't seem to fit . I took one look at him and knew I had to name him Gabriel . It took me a few years , but I finally figured out why . God had talked to me through my son , Officer . Didn 't know it at the time . God was telling me to make Him my strength . Right now I don 't know what I would do if I hadn 't listened . " Andy made a mental note of how the father seemed to keep his distance from the boy . He never moved from the doorway as he spoke , while Andy stayed on his knees next to the body , his pants legs soaking up the liquid on the floor . As Andy looked down , Gabe seemed much younger to him than eight - younger and smaller . The boy 's mother had once said something about how the other kids picked on him because of his size . Now he seemed smaller still . Andy knew the boy was dead , but he felt a strong urge to reach out and protect him . He grabbed his radio with his left hand , the hand that was covered with blood from the back of the boy 's neck . " Trask dispatch , 52 - 2 . I have a 10 - 100 . Request you get the coroner and Harris County started out here right away . " 10 - 100 means a " dead body . " " 10 - 4 , 52 - 2 , " the radio crackled back . " Are you sure you want to make the call on the body , Andy ? I can have a paramedic and ambulance to you in no time . " Andy paused for a moment . I don 't know what he hoped to accomplish , but he told the dispatcher , " Okay . Do that . I guess it couldn 't hurt . " Maybe he wanted the kid to still have a chance . More than likely , he just didn 't want to be haunted by the " what - if " questions that follow emergency responders even when they do everything they possibly can . " What - ifs " are about as useful as wishful thinking , but they can sure be hard to shake in the middle of the night . Andy reached over and lightly stroked the boy 's head with his right hand , then stood to his feet . I think it was his way of telling Gabe goodbye . Once the paramedics and sheriff 's deputies showed up , he wouldn 't have another moment alone with the boy . Well , almost alone . The dad was still standing in the bedroom doorway . " No , not too long , " Andy replied as he let out a long sigh . Turning from the boy , he scanned the bedroom . Toys were scattered across the floor , along with a variety of clothes . Typical kid 's room . The sheets and blankets of both bunk beds were strewn about , which seemed odd if Gabe slept in the room by himself . " Did you stay in this room with your son , sir ? " If my old man wasn 't already about to pop , that smile put him over the edge . He couldn 't figure out how any father worth a dime could carry on a normal conversation right after his son died in his arms . " Which bed was your son sleeping in ? " Andy asked . He also wondered why such a small room had bunk beds if Gabe was the only child in the house . " I tucked him into the bottom bunk , but I guess he climbed up on top sometime during the night . You know how kids are . " That 's just it . Andy didn 't know how kids were , but he nodded his head as if he did and kept studying the father . About that time he heard the dispatcher notifying the local ambulance service , which back then was run by the volunteer fire department . " I 'm sorry , sir , I didn 't catch your name , " Andy said . " John , John Phillips . And you ? " he replied with a smile as he stuck out his hand . Andy refused it , using the blood on his hand as a convenient excuse . Funny . I 've never known anyone who shakes with his left hand . " Are you the same Andy Myers who took my boy to a ball game a few weeks ago ? " Andy nodded . " Oh , I have to tell you , my son never stopped talking about that game . He had the time of his life . Thank you for taking him . " Andy didn 't reply . The ball game felt like a lifetime ago . I guess in a way it was , because nothing was ever the same after my dad walked into that apartment . Nothing . November 8 , 2008 at 1 : 33 am Cool ! I love your 7 facts . I 'm also a big Jane Austen fan . I love re - reading the great ones as well . : - ) You wouldn 't believe how many bookcases FULL of books that we have . It is actually embarassing . The boys have one in each of their rooms with their favorites in them . I 'm guessing that we have about 20 … but it may be more . And I keep giving books away to the library ! |
The way I feel right now it must have been a leap day for sure . The day started early , with me leaving for Los Angeles at 08 : 30 and not getting back until 15 : 10 . I went up there to pick up Jason 's truck , the one he had before the injury . It is VERY unlikely that he 'll ever drive it again , but he feels better knowing that it is in his garage again , and he isn 't worried that something might happen to it . There was a problem with getting it started so AAA was called and the guy who came out was great . He took a look at the truck , found out what the problem was and corrected it in less than an hour . There was a need for a new battery , and he was able to provide one for a reasonable price ( he wasn 't pushy at all and in fact I was pushing him , if anything to get the battery ) . I was able to spend a little time with my son David and his family , and even played with my grandson Dylan for a little while . I couldn 't have asked for it to be any better . David bought us all lunch , and after we finished eating I was back on the road , with Jay , the Marine who brought me up , following close behind . Traffic wasn 't bad in either direction , though there were pockets , so we completed the journey in about the time I expected . Jason had a couple of appointments today , and picked up an additional appointment for tomorrow . Its with wound care so we don 't mind , just wish they were all a little closer together . But the big thing that happened for Jason wasn 't even his truck showing up . . . it was his hand - crank bike was delivered today , and it dind 't come until we were all at home . It came via Conway Trucking and the drive was a great guy as he brought it to the door and then helped me get it into the house . I think he figured out we were happy to see it , since everybody was pretty excited to see it . Jason still won 't be riding it for a few months ( my guess ) , until his wounds are healed up and we can figure out what kind of seat he 'll be getting . I need to send a special thank you out to Team E . X . T . R . E . A . M , and GynSgt Matt Small , for sticking with this , and getting it to us . I know there were some challenges and they didn 't let them stop it from happening . As soon as it is assembled I 'll take a picture of it and get it posted . Not much else going on . I 'm hoping the rest of the week is a little more relaxed , though I know how things go . Thank you , all for all your prayers and continued support . Jason went in to PT and OT today and did pretty well . They try to tailor the activity to Jason 's ability to tolerate the discomfort , so he won 't be in too much pain . This all went well today , until he had to go pick up his prescription . I think it was a combination of the therapies and then the extended waiting in the pharmacy that caused him to start experiencing some muscle spasms and then ultimately the need to take a few extra meds . The extra meds are medications that he has always had with him , for as long as he has been an out patient . He just doesn 't need to take them very often anymore . The main one is Valium , a muscle relaxer , and then helped to keep the spasms in check . The down side is that it also makes him sleepy . He got home from the hospital and within a few moments he said , " I need to get off my feet . " ( That 's what he says when he wants to lay down , and he is really tired . ) Within a minute of him getting settled in his bed he was out . The new prescription , the one that caused all this extra fuss , is actually something that the urologist wants Jason taking now , to help with some of the transition he is going through - I hope it does what it is supposed to do . Jason also had the opportunity to stop and speak with another patient . It was an Air Force sergeant and was relatively close by . . . AND had a service dog . It was a German Shepard ( a big one ) and apparently the training program that the Air Force has for their security dogs is such that some of the dogs just don 't quite have the right disposition for that kind of work . They have gone through an extensive training program , so they 're used to the rigors of training , and actually only need a little " cross " training to get them to become service dogs . They exchanged contact information and I do believe Jason is going to follow up with this , especially since they tend to work with German Shepards , the dog Jason wants . I will be heading up to Los Angeles tomorrow , to go pick up Jason 's truck . This is the truck he owned prior to going off with the 26 MEU , over a year ago . Originally it was going to be shipped to San Diego , but then we initially didn 't have a place to have it shipped to , so David ( Jason 's brother ) volunteered to have it sent to his house , until we had a place to store it . That is the case now , and we have been able to get things in order enough that we can now bring it down to Jason 's house . We realize that it will have to be sold or traded in , as Jason will not be able to drive it , and to convert it would be cost prohibitive . It is an asset though , and he can use it to help defray the cost of a new vehicle , when that finally comes along . In the mean time I will probably be driving it occasionally . That 's it for now - I was going to be telling the girls another Bible story tonight , but they both fell asleep as we watched Ice Age . I think they were tired since they didn 't get much of a nap today . Stay tuned to see what happens tomorrow . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Today was a good day , and a not so good day . The good part started with having the girls here and up early ; full of energy and bringing a happiness that only kids can bring to a home . The day was full of looking for things and then actually finding them and deciding what the next step ( s ) should be . It also had a bit of a sad side , in that Linda had to go back up to Livermore tonight . The girls really like being around Grandma , and Grandma really likes being around the girls ( Grandpa and Jason like having her around too ! ) . We chose not to take the girls to day care today so that they could all spend some time together . The will , however , be going tomorrow , so that we can get a few other things done , including all the appointments Jason has . Speaking of day care , Linda and I went over to a possible day care provider 's home , to see if it would be a good place for the girls to go . We had the girls with us , so they could see the place as well , and it gave us a chance to see how they might fit in . We were pleasantly surprised at how well they did fit in , and with the provider . Linda made the comment afterward that it was amazingly fortunate to find a place like that , and on the first try . We spent a big part of the weekend working on getting the house in order and putting some of the pictures and other things on the walls . I think we still have as many boxes to go through as there originally were at the beginning ( before we arrived with the truck load of stuff ) , its just now there are fewer places to put things . I was hoping to get in some additional ride time on my bike , but it rained so much today that I didn 't get a chance to get out . Funny how the weather is going right now . Will all this rain down here its like we got Northern California 's weather pattern . A concern is that there might be a drought , but I don 't want to be the one who makes that call . Tomorrow we have several appointments at the hospital . We will be taking the girls to the drop in day care , so they can have some fun and good social time . Jason will be meeting with a few different folks , and then I 'll need to get him back to the house to lay back down . My main effort right now , besides getting him to heal is to have in down as much as possible . The good news is that he is very much cooperating with this , as he understands the need as well . Tonight I told the girls a bedtime story , a short while after dinner , and they were all ready for bed . I told them about Noah and the whale - it was actually a giant fish , but for whatever reason the modern versions tend to talk about a whale . Anyway I told them the story and they liked it almost as much as Jack and the Bean Stalk . I guess I need to work on my Bible stories more . . . Tomorrow , David and Goliath ! Thank you , all for your continued prayers and support . Jason got up this morning and decided that he was in need of a shower . Of course I wasn 't going to argue with him , I thought he needed a shower , too . . . ; - ) As it was , his wounds were looking really good , and it appears that they are making more progress all the time with healing . The one thing I didn 't get done was take some pictures to send to Dr . Malone , so she can see what progress has been made . He 'll be taking another shower in a couple of days , and I 'll get some shots in at that time . He is no longer taking the I . V . antibiotics ; he is cutting back more on the pain meds he has been taking ; and , overall he is feeling much better . I think a big portion of that is the fact that he spends most of his time in bed , and the extra rest is helping with the overall healing . On top of that his attitude is very good , and we 're getting the house totally set up the way he wants it , including pictures on the wall and some recent new furniture pieces . Actually he talked about doing some rearranging of the furniture , so that we could all comfortably watch the T . V . while sitting at the couch . The girls came back to the house tonight , and will be with us for the next couple of weeks . We had a great time with them , and Daddy even gave them a bed - time story before they went to sleep . Both Grandma and Grandpa stepped out of the room to let them be their own little family for a change , and I think it was good for all of them in multiple ways . Stacy was telling us all about some of the new things that Grandma ( and Grandpa ) brought down from Livermore and Jackie was walking all over the house . It felt pretty good to have them here again . Tomorrow Jason has an appointment , though it is later in the afternoon , so we will have the morning to do whatever we want . We actually plan to get out and do a little checking with some of the available day care centers , and see what we can do to get the girls into a regular program . Its great having them here , but we would like to allow them to have some social interaction time as well . Anyway , we 'll see where it takes us tomorrow . Then finally , Grandma ( Linda ) will be headed back home tomorrow evening , and we won 't get to see her again for three weeks or so . It will be rough , but we 've done it before . We have been doing some planning for Easter , so we are hoping to have a few extra kids around the house . We 'll have an egg hunt in the backyard , and probably do too much , but hey , that 's Easter . Jason and I have also been talking about which church we 're going to start looking at . He is able to stay up in his chair better now , so we can finally start going to services . We both miss the services and just the social gathering and fellowship . I 'll keep you posted , and Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . We will probably never be " normal " again , but we will get much closer . Last night we were up a bit later than usual , and it was a busy day for all of us , so we all managed to sleep in some today . Sleeping in for Jason and I means not having to start moving about until after 07 : 00 . Still , he has the 06 : 30 meds to take , but he doesn 't have to do much of anything else , at least not for a little while . We really didn 't have anywhere special to go today , and other than unload the truck , there wasn 't any scheduled or planned activity that needed to be done . I made some oatmeal ( with raisins ) for breakfast , and afterward went out and unloaded the truck . Linda provided a bunch of help , and we were able to get it all done in less than an hour . Of course that didn 't include the time it is taking to put things away , and that could take days . The girls are coming back to the house tomorrow night so we want to have most of it done before they get here . One of the big things brought down from Livermore , for me , was my bike . I did get a short chance to ride it today , and I figure I 'll be getting to ride it a little more each day , until I 'm back up to longer rides , like I was doing before . The big challenge right now is finding places to ride . It would be great if we had the Iron Horse Trail equivalent around here . I found that since it has been about a year since being on a bike , my bottom didn 't feel as good as I thought it might . . . ; - ) That 's okay , I can rebuild my tolerance slowly . One of the things we need to follow up on is the status of Jason 's hand bike . We haven 't heard anything in a while , so I will be reaching out to my contact and getting an update . Tonight we watched The Princes Bride , and that is one of those movies you can see over and over , and not get too tired of it . I guess , that 's as long as you have some time space between each viewing . We actually ate dinner while watching and enjoyed all the humor and story that it had . Now we 're getting ready for bed , and tonight we 'll be sleeping a little earlier than last night . Thank you , all for all your continued support and prayers . I woke up this morning at about 04 : 00 , not because I needed to , but because I was so worried about over sleeping , I woke up early , and then couldn 't get back to sleep . I finally got up and got ready for my flight up to Oakland . The flight was uneventful , just the way I like them , and I was back up in Livermore by about 10 : 00 . We had a couple of things to do , before leaving , so we didn 't get out on the road until almost 10 : 45 , then drove back down to San Diego . The drive really wasn 't bad , and the traffic was only an issue for a 10 mile stretch through Los Angeles . Originally I had told Jason we would try to get back by 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) , but due to a few things happening we did not arrive until 19 : 45 , so it wasn 't too bad . Within a few minutes of getting here we were off to go have dinner . Jason hadn 't eaten and neither had we , so we were all hungry . . . we went to the Olive Garden . Jason had treatment with Wound Care and with Physical Therapy . From what he has told me , and from what I was able to hear when I called him , it sounded like he got a good work out , and that 's what I like to hear . The Wound Care treatment went well also . The nurse wanted to try a new type of pad , to see if that would help with some of the drainage as well as comfort for Jason . Over the next day or two Jason will be making an assessment . Otherwise , there really wasn 't much more to talk about today . I had made arrangements to have people here with Jason , for as long as I was going to be gone , and it all worked out well . Thank you , for all your continued prayers and support . Today was a little more laid back , to begin with , then ramped up for me a little later in the day . Jason had a single appointment today with OT and we got there with no problem at all . I also had an appointment today , but not until the afternoon , so that made the transportation a little bit of a question , at first . I made a call to the Marines and everything was set and readied . Actually , they were planning on coming to the house and picking him up , but since I was going in anyway I brought him in , and the Marines were there to get him home . Tomorrow will be another big challenge , in that I am flying up to Oakland , and then ultimately to Livermore , to help Linda drive a truck back down to San Diego . Total time at home will be less than an hour , and probably less than 30 minutes . It is a long drive , and I don 't want to be away any longer than I need to be . I have set up for others to be at the house , for the entire time I am out , so that makes it a little easier , but I 'm still a bit of a worrier when it comes to Jason right now . I wish I had more time at home , but that is something that will just have to wait right now . Not much else to write about right now , so I 'll be hitting the sack a little earlier than usual , so I can get up earlier . Flight departs at about 07 : 00 , so I need to be up by 04 : 45 , at the latest . Marines are taking me to the airport and I don 't want to make them wait , since they had to get up too . . . ; - ) Jason went to go see his doctor today - his main doctor while here in Balboa , and it turned out to be a very good visit . Dr . Pyo first talked about the medications that Jason was currently taking , and which of them had he been cutting back on . He was pleased with what Jason has been doing , and thinks we are doing fine as it relates to the amount of medication we are still working with . He suggested that we can begin to pull back even more on some of the pain meds , though we need to do it carefully , and paying a great deal of attention to how any of the changes make . Jason was totally on board with that , and so we changed topics to how the wounds were healing , and what we can do differently to better help the healing . Dr . Pyo also spoke about bringing in the doctors from Bethesda , since they have a more intimate knowledge of what Jason 's wounds are , from the inside . They were the surgeons , and Dr . Pyo is not a surgeon , so they have a different perspective . There might be some surgeries coming up for Jason , in the next few months - maybe several weeks , though that can only be decided after the conversations have been completed , with all the doctors , Jason and me - yeah , they even want me there . . . ; - ) Once the conversation ended , on the wounds , Dr . Pyo wanted to actually see the wounds and so Jason got up on the exam table and I assisted him in taking the dressings off ; doing a pretty good exam ; and , then putting new dressings back on . We even had to retrieve a new pair of shorts for Jason , as the old ones had gotten a little dirty , or soiled from the wounds draining some . When the appointment was over Jason was ready to head back home . It was a good thing there was only the one appointment , because it was a long one . One of the items that we touched on was appointments in general . Jason will begin having some of the treatments at the house here , so he can avoid getting on the chair , and just staying in bed to help with the healing . Everything seems to be pointing to better healing while he is laying down , so we want to go that way . Not sure when the house visits are going to start , but I 'd expect to see it next week , or possibly the next . Jason 's IV treatment is almost over . . . One more tomorrow evening and that will be the last of it - I think . I always have to put in the caveat , because with medicine it is both science and art , and sometimes things happen that are not expected . Still , I will remain optimistic , and believe that tomorrow will be the last one . Actually , we will be meeting with the doctor at about 11 : 00 , and discussing this and a number of other issues . I spoke briefly with the doctor today , and because it was brief we just sort of " brushed " over some of the issues , and we will delve into them more tomorrow . While I was talking with the doctor Jason was at his OT appointment and had a great session . We talked about it a little while afterward and he said he was glad that it was set up the way it is . Most of the work was on his hands and arms , and therefore it was at this almost circular table . Also at this table were other Wounded Warriors , all receiving their treatment , and it effectively turned into a social gathering for the guys , while the therapists worked on the individual arms and hands . I think the social side of the visit is as good for Jason , and the others , as is the therapy that is given out . We got up this morning , knowing that we had an appointment , a little later in the morning , so we folded some clothes that Mom , Linda , has washed while she was here . I actually did almost all the folding , while Jason did some directing and assisting with where to place some of the clothes , and even on which of the clothes should be kept or thrown out for rags . Unfortunately ( maybe fortunate ) there weren 't too many rags , so we won 't have many in the garage for any projects we get into . We still have some cleaning and boxes to empty from the garage , so we don 't have to worry about that right now . After the appointment Jason wanted to head over to the barber , to get another hair cut - wants to look like a Marine - then we headed back to the house . We had some leftovers for lunch and then just kicked back for the rest of the day . YesterdayNot much else going on today , and dinner was pretty simple . We had hot dogs with baked beans . I 'm making a stew tomorrow . I think that will be a meal for a couple of days , if I do it right . Thank you , all for all your continued prayers and support as we go along this journey . It was great having the girls here today . Jason was showing some signs of being very happy with the girls being here , and the girls reciprocated . Jackie was walking all over the place , and Grandma ( Linda ) was doing her best to wear out the battery on my camera ( see took about 70 pictures today ) . She said she wanted to go through them before I can post so apologies to all , but at least you know the pictures are here . At the end of the day the girls headed back home , so we won 't have them here again until next week . Jason had a pretty good day , though there were some times when the pressure points did get to him , and he needed a little extra pain meds . We will be going in tomorrow to take care of appointment , and I am also going to be going over to his " main " doctor to find out just what the plan is for doing something to alleviate those darn pressure points . I do believe that once they have those under control , or removed , he will feel so much better , and any healing that is left to be done will do so quickly . We are both anxious to get things going with more of his rehab , just that some of it can not take place yet , and may not be able to be done for several months , as long as the pain continues . Don 't get me wrong , Jason is doing well , and his spirits continue to ride high , we just have some continuing challenges that we need to deal with . Linda was able to get through a bunch of his clothes that had been in boxes , and she was able to launder them and put some away . Others will need to be simply gotten rid of , or donated as he won 't need them any longer . Other stuff we still need to get through are some of the items that came back from Afghanistan , and he needs to identify what is going to be done with that . We took Linda back to the airport this evening and when we got there she was surprised by the number of people , and cars . I kind of reminded her that is was a holiday and that it was normal . I guess she made it to her plane , since she didn 't call me to come pick her back up . Of course that would have been okay with me , but it might have been somewhat of a problem for the day care , back home . Thanks , for all the support and continued prayers for Jason and all of us . No one to pick up at the airport , and no support nurse came in today . Not sure how they are going to be filling that need , though they tell me they 're working on it . Not a problem today though . Both Mom and Dad are here to help Jason with anything he might need , and in fact I think Jason was in a really good mood since we were able to go through a few more of his boxes of things , and get several more things put away . When Linda gets it in her head that she wants to get things put away and / or cleaned up your best bet is to just help out , cause its going to get done . One of the things that Jason has been wanting to do , and looking forward to is being able to take a shower . He has had a special treatment on his wounds , and they didn 't want him to take a shower for 10 days after the application . Today , Sunday is the end of that period and the wound nurse even told us he could take a shower today . He was in the shower for probably 10 or 12 minutes , and he felt pretty good afterward . The treatment did some good , so when I put the new dressings on , using the metahoney it went very fast , as well as reasonably comfortable for Jason . The still need to figure out what to do about the HO , so we will be talking with the doctors next week about that . We had Togos Sandwiches for lunch and then leftovers for dinner , and to be honest about it , we were all still pretty full from the sandwiches , so dinner was quite simple . We got all the stuff cleaned up and put away when we got a real nice surprise with the girls coming over for a night . This way they get to spend a little time with Grandma and Grandpa , and then they 'll get to do it again next week end . The last time they were here Jackie was taking a few steps at a time , and we saw her walk up to 11 steps . Tonight she was walking all over the place , and showing a great deal more confidence in her steps . When the girls came in , one of the first things they asked for was a bed time story from Grandpa . I 've told them the story about Jack and the Bean Stalk several times now ( each time a little different ) , and each time Stacy likes to act out all the stuff that Jack does . My guess is that Jackie will be doing it too , just as soon as she learns to bounce around a little better . We put the girls to bed , and Grandma read them the Lady Bug story . That is another favorite . They are amazingly easy to get to bed , once they have had their stories , and we like to do that anyway . Once that was done I came up here and got the blog going . So thank you , all for all your prayers and continued support . We saw some real signs of improvement with Jason today , and are looking forward to seeing more . Today was another day of relaxing and doing things that we want to do , but only if we really want to do them . Linda came in at about 8 : 45 this morning and I picked her up at the airport . Jason stayed back in bed , and Tom , the nurse support person , was there with him . Linda and I went to breakfast , and then went and bought a hammer . She has been after me to get a hammer for weeks now , so I guess it was time to get one . She is interested in putting some things up on the walls , and having a hammer does make it easier - trying to drive even a small nail with a knife or spoon really isn 't the best idea . I know a bunch of you are out there saying she 's right , and I 'm not arguing with that , I just wanted to be sure that when the hammer was purchased it was done with Linda around - didn 't want to get the wrong hammer . . . ; - ) This afternoon we all went out and did a little shopping for Jason , as he wanted to get an entertainment center for the front room . Something to put his television on , and to hold some of the things he has sitting around in the front room , sitting on tables . We found a nice cabinet that is a good height for him , where he can reach just about every place , with only a couple of small areas on the bottom that are out of his reach - at this time . As he gets better with his rehab , and further along with his healing I would think that he will be able to get to all places on the cabinet . It is supposed to arrive sometime late , tomorrow morning Tonight was another first , for the house . We all sat out in the front room and watched a movie . The movie was Sahara , with Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz , and it was the first time I 'd seen it . We had a great time just relaxing together and talking about the movie as it went along ( yeah , we talked during the movie - we don 't do it at theaters though ) . After the movie we all decided it was time to just do a little clean up ( put a few things away ) and then go to bed ( well , I came up to do the blog post ) . And that about does it for today . . . I know today is Friday , but it sure felt like a Saturday . With the appointments taken care of yesterday , there were none for today . Jason didn 't have to get up any earlier than he wanted , and he didn 't have to do anything , unless he wanted to . About the only thing we did was go to the grocery store and pickup a few things , so that I could roast a chicken for dinner tonight ( which I did , and it came out great ) . We did still manage to forget a couple of things , but they were things that we really weren 't out of yet , and can get tomorrow or even Sunday . They changed the dosage of the antibiotic that he has been taking for the past 14 days , to a reduced amount . It makes setting up the I . V . just a little easier , but not by much . It still has to be set up , and I still do it in the evening , and it still runs for about 30 minutes ( + / - ) . Once a week they do a bit of lab work on his blood ( a registered nurse comes in to get his blood each week ) , and I guess they determined that he could be taking a lesser dosage now , and we will be finishing out the treatment with this lowered dose . The other thing I finally was able to get accomplished , was to get his truck registration for California brought back up - to - date . Now all I need to do is to find the time to get up to Los Angeles and bring the truck back down . It currently sits at his brother David 's house , and will soon be back at Jason 's house . We 'll need to decide if it goes into the garage or sits in the driveway . Well , that is about all for today - Linda ( a . k . a . Mom ) will be back down again for this weekend , so I 'll be picking her up at the airport in the morning . Jason said he is okay with not going , and just wants to laze around the house for most of the morning . Perhaps we 'll get him out and do some furniture shopping tomorrow ( he wants a work station / desk ) . Thank you , for all your continued support and prayers . Today Jason had one appointment at the hospital , and like other days where he has had " only " one appointment , it turned into almost half a day at the hospital . Things came up and different people wanted to talk to him about something or other , and it was only going to take a couple of minutes . The good part about all this is , those things they want to talk to him about are things we might have had to come back to take care of anyway , so it actually saved time - just wasn 't in our original schedule . The Marines are coming in the morning to pick him up , and because they use a larger van , bus really , the ride to the base is a little bumpy for him . He calls me to ask me to come get him for the ride back . This time because the ride was smoother and due to the fact the Marine bus was also going to be making multiple stops and turn the 15 minute ride into close to an hour . He was ready to lay back down , and that is still a very high priority for me as well . He did get to see the Wound Clinic today , and we got to take a good look at his wounds , but I didn 't have my camera with me . This is one of those that we didn 't know we were going to go to today . Next week , when we go , I will bring my camera so I can get some pictures to send to Dr . Malone . Some of the areas were doing well , others were not doing much of anything . We used Jason 's phone to get the pictures today , and I hope they 're good enough . The rest of the day Jason spent back in bed . He and I get to have our talks there , and we do our best to make plans for the coming days / weeks . Sometimes it works out and other times it does not . He will continue to heal up and progress will be made , just that it reminds me of that famous prayer . . . " Dear Lord , please give me patience , and please hurry ! " Well , today certainly got off to a much better start than yesterday . Jose wasn 't caught up in traffic and got here on time ( a little early actually ) . The one real main difference was that Jason didn 't have any appointments at the hospital or C5 . As Jose arrived I took off to the gym and did a little cardio on the stationary bike , and then came back to the house . I 'm doing too much at the gym as I want to get back into it a little on the slow side . My foot still a little tender on the heel so I guess it is still heeling itself . ( For those wondering . . . I had surgery on my foot a short while before Jason was injured and for whatever reason my heel is taking forever to heal ) . We did get to go do something a little out of the ordinary , and that was to go to Costco . We hadn 't been to a Costco in over a year , so it was kind of a new adventure for us . Funny thing is , we drove over to the Costco , and Jose was with us ; on our way over to the Costco Jose said , " You know , there is one closer to you . " Well , as we continued on our way he also mentioned that he didn 't know about this other Costco , and it is closer to his house . He was going to the one closer to where we live , now he is going to switch . We bought a few things and then headed back to Jason 's place . He was ready to get back in bed and out of the chair . Not much else to write about , other than the rain . We 're on our third or forth day of rain now , and it is actually heavy at times . Not like the usual weather they have around here , but that 's okay - I like it . Thank you , all for all your continued support and prayers . Our lives are getting better all the time . Today started out a bit rough , for a couple of reasons ; first we had to get up and ready a little earlier , since Jason 's first appointment was at 08 : 00 ; and , secondly , our support nurse was supposed to be at the house by 07 : 30 but was stuck in traffic and wouldn 't make the 07 : 30 mark . We waited a little while , but by 07 : 45 we needed to be on the road or we were going to be late . As it turned out we were still a little late , but not so much that it messed things up , other than the fact that I was there , when I was supposed to be back at the house . I wanted to be back at the house because there were people coming to the house to work on the house and work on the van we were using . I contacted the right people and was told a Marine would be coming over to help Jason , and I was going to get a ride back to the house . While I was waiting for the ride back to the house I was able to call the mechanic and told him what was going on , and he was okay with it because he too had been stuck in traffic and wasn 't quite to the house yet . Then as we were coming around the corner to the house the maintenance folks called and I said we 're coming down the street right now , and it all worked out . The real cool thing is that all the maintenance was done pretty quickly , and they were out of the house ; and the work on the van was just a matter of flipping a switch that apparently had been bumped and now everything was working again . That 's the kind of problem I like , easy to fix . It was on the kneeling mechanism of the van , that 's to make it easier for Jason to get in and out . I asked the mechanic why there wasn 't a manual that I could just reference next time and he said he didn 't know - it was supposed to be there . You know , it just dawned on me that I forgot to thank a section of folks out there for a nice package that came a few days ago , with a bunch of stuff from Las Positas college . There were a couple of shirts and a nice folio and some notes from some of the veterans at the school . Thank you , all for thinking of Jason with this gifts , they are appreciated . The rest of the day was fairly laid back . Jose did make it to the house , and he stayed late to make up some of the time . I honestly believe he was caught in traffic and that he thought he was going to be at the house on time . I was now able to go take care of some of the things I wanted to get done , and Jason and Jose could just relax at the house . The really good thing also is that the doctors are beginning to draw back on some of the meds that Jason has been taking , and we 're very happy about that happening . A nice end to the day was the fact that Jeff , Jason 's cousin , was able to come by and spend a few hours with us . He is actually a pilot with the Air Force and due to the current mission he is on he was able to come visit with us . We all went out to dinner , so we could just talk and not have to worry about cooking and cleaning . The only problem with that is that we all forgot that it was Valentine 's Day and the restaurants were all going to be busy . After dinner Jeff had to get going and then he said he hoped he would be able to get out this way again , but he didn 't know when that might happen . It was good for him and Jason to talk , because they are just about the same age and both military so they had a common base in many ways . After all that Jason just went to bed and I came up to work on this blog . We 're both kind of tired , though it has been a rewarding day . Thank you , all for all your continued prayers and support . Today was a pretty good day for Jason , and a rather unusual one for me . One of the ideas that has been talked about is having the Marines transport Jason to his daily appointments , both to and from the hospital . This is to allow me some free time , and even a chance to possibly go out and once again find employment ( I have a few years left before retirement , and quite frankly I enjoy doing my job - IT project management ) . Well , today was the first day of this new routine , and it worked great for Jason ; and , it felt a little strange for me . For right now I chase them to the Naval Hospital and back again , and I still spend the most of the day with him , but it just felt a little strange . Jason 's appointments were without any special updates , other than all is going well , and they want to see him back next week . Actually , as he regains his lead on the healing part , and his wounds are once again cooperating as they should , he will be having several appointments every week with OT and PT . For now though he will be going in only a few times this week and next week . Otherwise , not much to report on for today . We 'll probably go shopping tomorrow , as we 're running low on some food , but that 's about all . Not until his I . V . treatments are all done will he be able to venture out for a movie or something like that . Thanks , for all your continued support and prayers . This has been an enjoyable weekend for many reasons , but one of the best was because Linda was able to come down and spend it with me . That means that Jason was able to spend some time with Mom ; the girls were able to spend some time with Grandma ; and , I got to see my wife ! All because of one little visit . . . ; - ) Jason was feeling pretty good today , though I think he may have done just a little too much , by the time he got back in bed . I checked the wounds and their dressings , and everything looks okay , so I think that it was just a matter of him getting worn down a little bit more than usual , and Jason is the type to want to push it sometimes . We had a new nurse come in , Terry , and he seemed like the right type to be working with Jason . He is a retired military corpsman , so he has a very good understanding of what Jason was doing . He has spent some time over in Iraq , as well as working with some of the returned military ( all branches ) . He and Jason hit it off pretty well , and I over heard Jason telling Terry all about how he was injured , and I think it was actually good for both of them . He stayed for his 8 - hour shift and then had to go , and he made the same comment that the others have said . . . Jason is really an independent kind of guy . About the only thing that we did outside the house today was to go shoe shopping for Stacy . We went over to Target , I saw this pair of shoes on top of the rack . I checked them against Stacy 's feet , and then she tried them on . She liked them ; Jason liked them ; and , they were on sale . It was a win situation no matter how you looked at it . We were done with the shoe shopping in less than 15 minutes and the tennis shoe with little pink stripes makes Stacy happy . We also picked up some food items , since we were there , but there weren 't many things to get . Grandma and the girls went out in the backyard and Stacy blew some bubbles with her new wand and solution . Jackie was having a great time being walked around by Grandpa ; she was in some nicer pants that were not for crawling around on concrete . Actually Jackie is doing a bunch more walking lately . Linda got to see her take a bunch of steps ( I think she said 11 ) in a row , getting across the room . Too , bad she didn 't have the camera with her when that happened . We did get a bunch of other pictures , and I 'll work to get some of those posted over the next couple of days . Linda had to catch a flight back to Livermore , where Rob and / or Karen is going to pick her up at the airport . She will be back down again this coming weekend , so we don 't have to wait too long to see her this time . We won 't have the girls with us , but we should the next time she is here . Thank you , for all your support and continued prayers . Jason is doing well , and we 're about half way through the I . V . treatment . Once that is done he 'll be able to really get going with his rehab . Today has been a great Saturday for all of us here . Jason was feeling pretty good , in general and on top of that Mom ( Linda ) is here for the weekend . She made it in late last night and when she got up this morning the girls were very excited . I have to admit , I was pretty excited too . We had a nice breakfast , and Grandma played with the girls for most of the morning . Jose came in today ( normally he is off , but the guy who was supposed to come in was not available ) . I think part of the reason he came in was because he missed a day last week . This afternoon Susan S . came by and we did some picture taking for the documentary that she is working on - Over Fifty and Out of Work . She also has been following Jason and his progress for almost as long as we have . It was great to see her , Sam and Joram again . The girls got a chance to play out side , as the weather was still nice , even though it was a little cooler than yesterday . Then on top of that , Charlie , one of Jason 's buddies , came over with his two girls and the four of them ( all about the same ages ) had several hours of great fun . Charlie and the girls were able to stay for dinner , and dinner was provided by Bob H 's wife , Debbie . She cooked up this dish she calls Spaghetti casserole , that I had never tasted before . Wow , it was very tasty , and there wasn 't any left when we were done . Because of all the activity today I guess I possibly stayed a little too active , and I am tired . Linda is tired too , and she is already in bed . With that , I 'll say good night , and wish everyone pleasant dreams . Well , Jose was back on duty today and both Jason and I were happy to see him . He just wasn 't up to it yesterday , and it is probably better that he didn 't come in , as I don 't want any sickies around . Speaking of sickies being around - both girls have been going to the drop - in day care all this week and have not picked up any bugs to share . This is both a wonderful happening , and it has been a very good experience for them . They both enjoy going to day care and interacting with the other kids . The social aspect is something they both need . We got up at about our usual time and then had breakfast . Jose came in at his regular time and we just hung around the house for a little while . Jason had an appointment at 10 : 00 so we had some time to just goof off a bit . We loaded the van up and headed off to the hospital , and day care . As it turned out the proximity of the day care and Jason 's appointment couldn 't have been planned much better . We actually got to the appointment about 25 minutes early , and then they took him in early . The appointment was good on many levels . Jason 's wounds were looking so much better now ; a new treatment was applied to the wounds ; and , it gave Jose an opportunity to actually see what Jason 's wounds looked like , rather than just talk about them . The a - cell treatment was applied again and the nurse and doctor were very pleased with how everything thing looked ( as was I ) . The only " down " , if you want to call it that , was that Jason was feeling a little pain on his left side after the visit , and it made the ride home a little more uncomfortable . Because Jose was here I was able to take off for a couple of hours and do a few things , and then came back to go get the girls . Once I was back home , and then Jose left we kicked back and watched Sponge Bob Square Pants ( I think that was only the second time that I actually sat down and watched it - I still think its nuts ) . The next thing I know is that its time for dinner and so I put the rice cooker on ; get the broccoli going ; and finally put the salmon in the oven . Dinner was quite good , if I do say so myself . The last thing for the evening was the girls bath , and then they were off to bed . All together I 'd have to say it was a good day . Today started out as a great day , considering the night we just slept through , or should I say , tried to sleep through . Not sure what was going on with Jackie , but she woke up three times , and each time it woke both Jason and I up . I 'd go down and get her up , walk around with her and take her into see daddy ; she 'd calm down and then I would put her back to bed . She wasn 't wet , and she calmed down quickly , so I am guessing that she was having bad dreams or something . First time this has happened , so I really don 't know . After about midnight there were no more disruptions and we slept through the rest of the night , and she woke up just as happy as could be . The amazing thing was that Stacy slept through everything - sound sleeper for sure . We got up and had cereal for breakfast , and then got a phone call that Jose was not going to be coming by , as he wasn 't feeling well . This was inconvenient , but I 'd rather he not come by if he is ill . The folks from Maxim , where he is employed , called and said they would attempt to find a replacement , but since they would not be able to have anyone here until the afternoon I told them not to bother . It would have been a couple of hours of support , but in all honesty it would probably have been more disruptive than helpful . Hopefully there will be coverage for tomorrow , and we can get back on a regular schedule . Not much else going on today , out side of the norm . The girls did go to day care where they made some paper towel roll decorations for Daddy ; and , aside from a couple of errands , I was able to keep Jason in bed and out of his chair . I think he is getting better and feeling more confident with the ceiling trapezes , as he is able to transfer much more quickly , and comfortably than he was just a few days ago . Those kinds of improvements really make me feel good , and I am hopeful that I 'll see more of those kinds of things , once he gets off the I . V . Today started out as a wonderful day and ended on a pretty good note , too . We got up and dressed , and we all decided we just wanted cereal for breakfast today . There was also apple and orange juices , but that was it . Jose , Jason 's nurse arrived on time , and actually it was kind of funny . I happened to look at the clock and said , " Jose should be here any moment . " And , within just a few seconds of saying that , he knocked on the door . I must be getting psychic or something . . . : - ) Once we finished breakfast and got all cleaned up and dressed we headed off for one of the small parks that they have here at Gateway . Jackie had a good time , though she didn 't seem to know what to do ; and , Stacy had a great time . She ran all around and played on the rocking horse type animals , and finally went all over the play gym . Jose ran back to the house to get a towel to dry some of the equipment off , from the rain yesterday and Stacy was very appreciative . I got some pictures and will be posting some of them tomorrow . We didn 't stay as long as Stacy wanted , but we had to get going , since we had a few errands to take care of , and we didn 't want to have Jason in his chair any longer than we needed . Jason was hoping to get a new photo ID for himself , so we all went down to the barber shop , after we dropped the girls off at day care . Actually I took advantage of the fact that we were there , because I needed a haircut too ( and beard trim ) . We headed back to the house right after that , as Jason was beginning to feel the pain coming on , from already being in the chair longer than he wanted , and longer than I wanted . We did see some of the folks we have been working with , and that was nice , since they were all happy to see us , and they all expressed that they were anxious to get working with us again , next week . I think Jason is getting anxious too . We came back to the house and Jason laid back down . We all had lunch , and Jose even fixed lunch for Jason . I think he was just happy to have something to do , besides standing around waiting for Jason to ask for something . I think Jason is getting to be comfortable with Jose , and he is doing a good job for Jason , I think Jose wasn 't prepared for Jason to be so independent . I made rigatoni with a nice meat sauce ( spaghetti sauce ) , and the girls loved it . It is very enjoyable sitting around the table with the girls each evening , and watching Jason help Jackie eat her dinner . He cuts up the pasta for Stacy , and then she pretty much eats on her own , whereas Jackie needs more help , otherwise she will wear it more than eat it . Sometimes she can get to be a real mess , but what the heck , she 's happy . Speaking of messy , the girls had a bath tonight and again I let them play in the water , probably longer than I should have , but hey , there were still bubbles ! Shortly after the bath they put their pj 's on and were in bed . From what they are telling me at the day care , they are not getting as much nap time as they have been so I suspect that to be the reason they do go to bed so easily . They manage to get up in the morning , though , so it all seems to be working out . Maybe they 're just morning people , like me . . . ; - ) Thank you , all for the continued support and prayers . I know I 've continued to ask for these prayers and support for nearly a year now , and please understand I wouldn 't if it were not needed . Jason is getting better and stronger all the time . We have had a few set backs but for the most part we continue to march forward . Stay positive and keep smiling . The great news today is that Jason spent nearly the entire day in bed . He got up and moved around a little , but then went right back to bed . I was very happy about that , and I believe it is so much better for him right now , even if it does drive him a little bonkers to have to stay in bed . Fortunately the television is working just fine , and he can also play video games on his laptop ( as well as his iphone ) . Okay , " So what 's the bad news ? " I can almost hear you ask . Well , it is real terrible and I almost can 't type it . . . The folks from Furnishing Hope came by to swap out the smaller table with a little larger one , and they didn 't have matching chairs . . . . Okay , so it really isn 't bad news , but that 's as bad as it has gotten today . We had rain , and the freeways were crazy slow ( people around here are the worst drivers I 've encountered , for rain - they are so spoiled with all the good weather they have forgotten how to drive when it gets wet ) . I was just glad I didn 't have to drive anymore than I did today . The girls are really enjoying their day care , though it may be short lived . It looks like they are going to be going to a more permanent type setting , since right now they are in what amounts to and elaborate waiting area , while patients have their appointments , the kids go there . They had a great day as they got to go play at their new day care and then go play in the rain as grandpa pushed them in the stroller , back to the van , so we could get home . It actually rained pretty hard for a while , and that was a bit surprising ( I didn 't think it rained that hard down here ) , but it wasn 't too bad . Today was kind of busy , but it also felt pretty good because we managed to get several things done . The morning started out with an oatmeal and raisin breakfast , and the funny thing is that Stacy began with a protest and then was the first one finished . She ate every bit of her cereal , and seemed quite happy when she was done . Actually , there wasn 't any left when we were done . . . ; - ) Jason 's support nurse came today , the one that will be with him five days a week . He really wasn 't much different from Toliver , other than the fact that he was born in Peru . When he first came in I thought he was Mexican , then he started to talk , and his accent was just a little different so I had to ask him where he was from . He has been in the U . S . for about 15 years and is working towards his RN degree . He made some of the same comments that Toliver made , about Jason being so independant already and that he felt like he really wasn 't doing that much . I talked to him about Jason 's meds , and he said he could , and would , make sure that Jason had them on time . He really only has to take care of the late morning and early afternoon doses , so it isn 't much , but it does help - one ( two ? ) less thing for me to have to worry about . When we took off , to take care of a couple of errands , he jumped right in and helped with making Jason was secure in the van . And of course the van has to start acting up today . Not sure where the problem is , but some of the electrical is not working properly . I used to be able to hit one button and the door would open , the chassis would lower and the ramp would come out . It stopped working today so now we have to hit three different buttons to do the same thing . I 'll be giving the Rolex people a call tomorrow , since they are the ones who put the ramp in and set up the hydraulics . The safety isn 't compromised , so I have no problems continuing to use it . One of the big things we did today was to get the girls enrolled in the drop in day care . It did take a little time , but it is something that I only have to do once and now I know there is a good place for them to go , and it is safe . When we have the girls and Jason has an appointment we can just take the girls over there and then head off to the appointment . We are also on the wait - list for the regular child day care ( also known as : CDC ) , though we don 't know when that is going to be available for us . . . soon I hope . I made spaghetti for dinner tonight , and I 'm not really sure what I did differently this time , but the sauce was excellent . Stacy and Jackie were both eating with a high degree of enthusiasm , though Jackie did look like she tried to wear almost as much as she ate . That 's not to say Jason and I laid back , we managed to get a couple of good sized plates also . After dinner , I took the girls upstairs and they got a bath . I let them play in the water for a little bit and then got them out . They were excited because tonight they got to put on their new pajamas , that Jason bought , a couple of days ago . Jackie as tired , so she went to bed first and then I told Stacy a bed time story and then they were both in bed . Tomorrow is going to be a little more relaxing for Jason ( and me ) , so all in all , today was a very good day . Today was an adventurous day for Jason as we took the girls shopping . The girls got a bath and I shampooed their hair , so naturally I looked for a brush after we were done . There was none to be found . Not sure where it went , but it really didn 't matter since we didn 't have one . Anyway , we went to where we thought we would be able to find just what we were looking for , Babies R Us . Well , as you can imagine , Jackie is growing rather quickly , and some of her clothes no longer fit , and Jason wanted to get her some new pajamas anyway . We found some on clearance , and then also found a nice dress for Stacy , along with everything else we were now buying . We eventually got out of there for a little over $ 100 , and my comment to Jason was , " That was an expensive hair brush . " All he said was , " Yeah . . . " I guess I 'm just not much of a shopper , and it looks like Jason isn 't much different . Next time we 'll wait for grandma , and let her have fun , since she enjoys it . Not much else going on today . The Super Bowl wasn 't important , as neither of the teams were important to us . In fact , Jason didn 't watch it at all . I did watch most of it , since it was a time when I could just kick back and relax ( the girls were down for a nap ) , and Jason was laying down in his room . Tomorrow we have a few errands to attend to , but again , I am going to push to keep Jason laying down as much as I can . I 'm feeling much more comfortable with the I . V . that Jason is on now , and I 'm able to get it going and then finished without any problems . About the only challenge , if you want to call it that , is keeping up with his schedule . So far I 've been able to do it , and I have a chart that just about anyone should be able to follow , if I need to hand it over to someone else . I don 't think that will happen while the I . V . is going , though that will only be another 17 days . Tomorrow we will be getting the girls enrolled in day care , and I think that will be good for them . The social interaction will be good for them , and I also think it will help them begin learning some of the needed basic skills for getting into kindergarten . Well , anyway , like I said , it was an adventurous day for Jason and the girls , but also an easy day . The girls are back with us now , and Jason is very happy about that . They were picked up early this morning , about 09 : 00 , and the girls seemed quite excited to be coming to " Daddy 's house . " Toliver , Jason 's new support person and nurse , went with us to get the girls , so they had a new person to meet as well . Toliver will be working with Jason on weekends , or possibly another person , he wasn 't quite sure how it was going to be work out . During the week there will be a different person , another nurse , whom we have not met yet . We 'll get to meet him on Monday . At this point we don 't have a person coming in on Sunday , though I am asking them to continue to search for someone who is available . We went over to Office Depot to pick up a couple of things for Jason , and while we were there he wanted to take a look at their office furniture . They had a desk there that was a nice desk and when Jason moved up to it with his wheelchair he fit like it was made for him . I think that he might have wanted to buy it right there except we didn 't have anyway to get it back home ( I was thankful for that ) . I would rather he do a little more searching and research , rather than just buying the first desk that looks like it works . He could end up spending several hundred dollars more than he has to . We 'll be going to a few other places over the next several days ( weeks ? ) . The girls went to bed early tonight , and very easy actually . They went to bed so easy that it left me a little concerned , like , " why are they so tired ? " They did have a busy day , so that could be explanation enough . Toliver made the comment about how well behaved the girls were , and that he wished his girls would have been more like them , when they were growing up ( he told me his girls are 17 and 19 now ) . Jackie is starting to walk a little more now , though she still seems to prefer the crawl . Tomorrow is going to be a nice relaxed day here . We 're supposed to have some very nice weather so we may take them over to the park to let them play outside for a little while . Jason still can 't be up on his chair for too long of a period , so we won 't be able to be out long regardless of where we go . From what I understand the girls are wanting to watch some of the Super Bowl , anyway , though they don 't really care who wins . Jason had a good day today , and went to his one appointment at Wound Care , where they did another application of the A - cell treatment and then told him he would not need to change is dressings for a week . This is all good except that it also means that he won 't be able to take a shower for a week , and he does enjoy a shower . Especially now that we have the trapeze in place and a new shower bench in place . Oh well , he 'll have to wait a week to try them out . Jason will be having a nurse with him for 8 hours a day , 6 days a week , and the first day is tomorrow . He will be coming over at 08 : 00 and staying until 16 : 00 ( 4pm ) each day . Sunday will be the only day that we don 't have the extra help . This also provides a bit of a rest for me , so that I can now get out and go for a walk or just sit back and read a book . I 'm not sure what I will be doing , but it will be very interesting to see what happens and how it develops . The guy coming in is a licensed nurse , and is familiar with all of the things Jason is dealing with , though he can not touch the dressings or deal with the medications . That 's okay , as I will continue to do that so it is a good balance . Over the past few days we have received several boxes of medical supplies , so that we can be assured that we won 't run out of anything , as long as Jason 's wounds continue to heal . Considering all that was sent , I would have to say that I think we just might have enough to see us through . Actually it feels pretty good to have all this stuff , even if it totally dominates one of the linen closets . According to the movie , " Groundhog Day " nothing ever changes , except for the main character ( Bill Murray ) , and this just repeats over and over again . Well , that is definitely not the way it is with Jason and me , now down here in San Diego . Each day brings something new and sometimes very exciting to get involved with , like today . Today was Jason 's first full day back at the house and he got up for a little while , so that we could have breakfast together ( we had oatmeal with raisins - pretty tasty actually ) . Afterward he went back to the bed and laid back down , and I was happy about that . He has been riding in his power chair more , and I 've put his seat from the manual chair where the form - fitting seat was . It seems to be more comfortable , so we will stick with it for now . As soon as we can get with Van again , I 'll find out what it going to be done about the seat that doesn 't work . After he was in bed for awhile , David , his brother , showed up and it was really good to see him . We visited for a little bit , then since it was afternoon , he took us to lunch . We went and had Mexican food , at a nice restaurant , and the funny thing is that we all ordered the same thing . That doesn 't happen very often . When the server came he said , " Wow , that 's easy . " We had one small errand to take care of then headed back over to the house , so Jason could get back into bed . I took a quick look at the wound dressings and they looked pretty good , so I felt good that we hadn 't been out too long . Tomorrow morning we both have appointments at the Naval hospital , and they 're early , though not too early . Jason 's appointment is with the wound care nurse and I 'm going to go talk to someone to learn how to relax a little better . Everybody thinks I 'm working too hard so I 've finally agreed to go talk to somebody about it . The girls came for a visit tonight , and that made Jason feel good . He misses his girls , and the events of this past week kind of prevented him from being able to see them . They 'll be coming back to the house tomorrow , and staying with us for all of next week , and that will be really good for Jason ( me too ) . It was a lot of fun having them here tonight , and they seemed to have almost as much fun as we did . The fact that Uncle David was here too made it all that much better . David did finally have to leave , and then the girls left about an hour after that . Now , I " m up here trying to get the blog finished . I gave Jason his meds , and even helped with his I . V . antibiotic . I will be doing it completely on my own tomorrow , as today there was a nurse who came in to show me how it is supposed to be done . He was a pretty cool guy and does things a little different from how they nurses in the hospital . Jason will be getting the I . V . for three weeks , and then he should be in much better shape , and he should be able to begin to crank up his rehab work and get that going again . Thank you , all for all your support and all your prayers . I wish there were an easy way for me to personally thank each and everyone of you , though I don 't even know all your names . Believe me , you are appreciated . Today was a much better day for Jason , and ( drum roll please ) HE IS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED AGAIN ! He got to come home from the hospital tonight , and though it was after 19 : 00 ( 7pm ) when we did get home , it felt very good to do so . There is still a level of concern with the infections , and they are treating them with antibiotics , with them being administered via I . V . A nurse will be coming to the house tomorrow to go over the procedure , and make sure we don 't have any questions , and I got to do the disconnect and line flush in the hospital tonight . I 've seen it done so many times that I am comfortable with taking care of this . Jokingly I made a comment to the nurse that I was just about all the way to corpsman , and she said , " No , you 're ahead of them , as the corpsmen don 't get to touch these I . V . lines . " I 'll be doing it daily starting on Friday , this week , with the nurse coming in and doing it tomorrow , though I guess I could be doing it tomorrow if she wants me to . Not much else going on today , other than a wound dressing change , and that looked good , from my perspective . There is a concern that the infection has gotten in a little deeper than we thought , but Jason is feeling pretty good right now , so we 're not too worried about it right now . My main job , besides the meds and stuff , is to make sure Jason doesn 't stay up in his wheelchair too much . I think that was a major contributor to this latest problem . |
Hey all , Many people love to go camping . We get away from the grind and have a little R & R . They can be memories for a lifetime . The boy was about 9 years old and it was summertime . The three brothers used to camp in the backyard as many kids do . The two Younger brothers would make a " Fort " out of blankets , pieces of plywood and any thing else they could find . They loved being outdoors , their time was spent there as much as possible . . . . . . . . . usually together . Most of the time it was just the two of them as the " Oldest " was four years older at 13 . He was avoided and he wasn 't welcome in the Fort . Lets just say for now that the Oldest was not sociable . Putting it nicely All the boys were out in the backyard camping this warm summer night . The Oldest was apart from the other two in his own tent . It was a small nylon two man tent and was set up about 30 feet away from the fort . As happens with most all siblings , the Younger two had a disagreement over something , it was trivial but , boys will be boys . The disagreement was big enough to cause the " Middle " brother to leave the Fort to avoid a further physical altercation . The Oldest could hear all of this commotion and invited the " Middle " to stay with him instead of going in the house . The Middle hesitated a little because he knew that his older brother could turn on a dime and he would be in even bigger trouble . The Oldest coaxed him and told that it was no big deal and he would like to camp with him . The Middle let down his guard , after all , they were brothers . Right ? How many times was it going to take for him to learn ? The Middle picked up his pillow and blanket that the Youngest tossed out of the Fort . After they had settled in the Oldest zipped up the tent door , the brothers talked a little and the Middle thought that this wasn 't so bad . Then the Oldest started talking about sex . The Middle knew nothing about this and was very uncomfortable . The Oldest grabbed the Middles genitals and then exposed himself . The Oldest had gotten the Middles ' naked genitals in his hand and wouldn 't let go , causing the Middle a great deal of pain . He wanted the Middle to touch him and the Middle refused . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Oldest used force to get his way . When it was over , the Oldest instructed the Middle not to tell . anyone or he would get him . He would also tell everyone it was the Middles ' fault . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that he started it . The Middle eventually was let out of the tent and went in the house to his bed . It was very late . but , the kitchen door was left unlocked and the light on all night . The Middle was confused as he always was when it came to the Oldest . Why would he do this ? Why did he always want to hurt me ? What 's wrong with me ? The Middle was embarrassed , and ashamed , he knew what happened was wrong , a sin . . He felt guilty for having participated and thought that this was somehow his fault . The Middle experienced physical abuse from the Oldest for many years . This was a standard in their house . He kept this secret for over 40 years . He still feels the same about it as he did back then . . . . . . . . . sometimes still wonders what 's wrong with him . In his mind he knows that it wasn 't his fault but the wounded little boy some how is still with him . The story is very personal , so no names are mentioned . I know this protects the guilty , but telling this in the third person makes it possible to tell . Until the next time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . God Bless . Hey All , It is said that you can choose your friends but you can 't choose your family . Anyone can see the obvious truth in this statement and many can relate to it . The Beast was the the " Oldest " and reportedly had the umbilical cord around his neck at birth He was a shade of blue because of this and as the story is relayed , this detail has caused many of his problems . He had failed 1st Grade and was then put into special education . The " Middle " came along 4 years after the Beast in 1961 and had the misfortune to be born into this family . . The Mother turns out to be an alcoholic and the father distances himself as far as he can from his wife without divorce . The Middle was an unwelcomed addition for the Beast . He was an only child , the center of attention since he can remember and now this thing took it all away . What about him ? As far as he was concerned , he was the only one that mattered . He focused on this intruder . . . . . . he would take care of him . The first sign of trouble that the Middle can remember was when he was 2 years old . The Youngest was born in 1962 and his mother spent a lot of time with the him . The Beast took the Middle by the hand , while the mother was busy with the Youngest and took him into the living room . . The Middle was way to happy for the Oldest , he was even smiling at him now . . . . . . . . . . . . . he was going to fix that . He stood him by the end of radiator near the door and put his hand on the Middles ' forehead and and shoved . At impact , the Middle drew in a deep breath and let out a long wail because of the pain at the back of his head . The mother , baby in tow , came in the door along with her mother to see what the commotion was about . The Beast went over and stood to left rear of the mother when they came in . He had a wide smile of satisfaction on his face as the Middle had blood running from the wound on the back of his head and who could only point at him through his tears . The Middle was taken to the hospital and got stitches . . . . . . . . . . . . this would be the beginning of a very long childhood for the Middle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and the Youngest . The Beast was enabled and protected by his parents and Grandparents and for many years . When he was caught doing bad things , no matter what they were . . . . . . . . . . . there was no punishment . He would only be told to stop , no beatings like the others got , he was different , he didn 't know anybetter . Bullshit ! He tried to chop off the fingers of the Middle with a shovel , put a pin needle through a rubber dart and then shot him in the face just under his left eye . Then there were the many beatings that the Middle would receive from him over the years . Just to name a few . If he didn 't know any better . . . . . . . . . . why would he alway instruct his victims not to tell ? Maybe because he didn 't want anyone to know of the bad things he was doing , but then he had to have known they were wrong . I wish I could say that the Beast only attacked with in the family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but I know of at least two events that involved people outside the family . Yes , it was abuse and these attacks were on females , you can read into this and be correct . The Mother knew about these and in one instance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . blamed the female for what happened . Way to go woman . . . . . . . . . blame the victim . . . . . . . protect that piece of crap at the expense of anyone else . The father at least could claim ignorance for these events as he remained in the dark about most of these events until his death . I have said this before . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the Beast of Norwyn Rd had no chain . no cage or master . A predator to be free to do as he wished with no fear of reprisal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . today that piece of work would have been imprisoned . The Middle has great shame that people know he is related to the Beast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . he 's thankful for the friends that he has chosen and to the friends that have chosen him . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you are more precious than gold . Hey all , When I was 13 years old , I lived with my grandparents in Glenside for the duration of the 8th grade . It was lonely at first but as I made new friends in their neighborhood . and settled into my new surroundings . Shortly after coming to live there , the first friend I made was the " girl next door " . I was very backwards when it came to girls , not having any sisters and living some what of an isolated life . I didn 't have the slightest idea how to even talk to a girl . They were like aliens to me . . . . . . . . . maybe from venus . She was a very pretty girl and it didn 't take me long to have a crush on her . On her part I was just a friend . She lived with her Mom and didn 't see her Dad . Her Mom worked a full time job , so she had time after school to herself until her Mom got home . We were the same age and she was physically developed for her age . She also had a secret life of her own . She smoked and dated 18 year olds . I never told anyone . On one day she had a girlfriend over along with two 18 year old boys . We all sat on the front porch and played card games and talked . My friend was flirting with the boys and would make insinuations . of a sexual nature when things took a turn and they took her inside the house by force . They were still all laughing but I felt uncomfortable as she was struggling pretty hard . They got inside and locked the screen door . There was a lot of screaming by her coming from inside . The other girl just sat there staring at the street with tears welled up in the corner of her eyes . I realized then that this could be serious . I went to the door and watched as she struggled to free herself as they tried to drag her to the back of the house . She managed to get free and get to the screen door and unlock it but was caught again and taken to the back of the house . I wasn 't sure what to do . By this time I was 14 , they were 18 and there was two of them . I was scared , but , I decided that worse that could happen was that they would beat the crap out of me and since I was accustomed to this at home , one more time wouldn 't make a difference . She was still screaming when I went inside and found them trying to get her on the floor . When they saw me they told me to get out or they would make me leave and I would get hurt . I told them to let her go and that they couldn 't hurt me any worse than I got it at home and . . . . . . . . . . I wasn 't leaving . They didn 't think to long about it and they let her go , leaving within minutes . I still don 't know if this was playing or for real . Some time after , I revaled to my friend about how my life was at home . It was my secret . . . . . . . my private pain and embarrassment . I told her about my alcoholic Mom and some of the things that happened in that house . We knew each others secrets . A few days later it was dinner time at my grandparents house . We all sat down and Grandpopop said grace over our meal as he always did . It immediately went sour after that . My Grandfather was silent but Grandmom lit right into me . How could I talk about my Mother that way ! I was a liar ! My ears were red and burning as I sat and listened to my Grandmother chew me out . My Mother was a saint and my Father was no damn good and she wanted to make sure I understood that . . When I got a chance to speak , I told them that what I said was true . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . whether they believed it or not . Which only led to more yelling from Grandmom . After dinner I went to my room and cried as quietly as I could . I was informed that my friend told her Mom and that they both talked to my Grandparents . At the end of it all , my " friend " believed that I lied and since this related so closely with her events with her Dad . . . . . . . . . . . . she looked down on me after that . We weren 't much of friends from then on . . I was felt so betrayed . . . . . . . . . I told my most personal secret and not only was my confidence broken , but , I was shamed by my Grandmother and rejected as a friend . I never revealed any of my friends secrets to anyone back then . I only retreated further back into my soul as I learned yet another example of broken trust from someone I cared about and again by another female . I was backwards about male / female relationships for a long time . I left my " friends " name out of this story out of respect for her privacy . I came to understand how this could have happened and how she felt and harbor no ill will . Things happen and this . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . was just another day . Hey all , Christmas is special time of the year . As Christains we celebrate the greatest gift ever given . We have family get togethers with great food and laughter , sharing our lives with each other . . . . . . and yes there 's gifts too . When we were young , around 12 or so , Tom and I had paper routes delivering the Daily Intelligencer , It was how we paid for the things we wanted such as fishing gear and Christmas gifts . We were only allowed to have 20 dollars spent on each of us for Christmas . That was it . We had to choose what we wanted very carefully . On this particular Christmas I learned of a bicycle that Bobby who lived down the street was selling . It was a 3 speed metallic brown stingray with a white banana seat and it was in like new condition . They wanted 40 dollars for it so I made a deal with my folks that if I paid for half of it , then I could get it for Christmas . We brought the bike home a couple of weeks before Christmas and kept it in the cellar . The deal was that I couldn 't ride it until Christmas Day . I was excited ! I would go down to the cellar and admire it and imagine what is was going to be like to finally get to ride it . Christmas Day arrived warm and sunny . There was a slight shower the night before and the roads were a little wet but that didn 't stop me from taking the bike out . I rode it up and down the street and once around the block . Everybody in our house was getting ready for church and Mom asked me to take my new bike and go downtown to Wawa and get a gallon of milk . When I got to the store I realized that I didn 't have a lock and chain to secure my new bike so I parked it in front of the doors in the parking lot where I could see it from inside . I was only inside a short time and rushed back to find my bike laying on the ground . I picked it up went to sit on when I noticed that it was bent and then realized that somebody had run it it over . Whoever it was had to have known what happened but left anyway . I cried most of the way home as I dragged my bike because the back wheel was bent with frame . When I got home , Mom said how bad of a thing it was to have happen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . that wrapped up Christmas for that year . Christmas for a kid is different than an adult . That Christmas was a sad one for me . I 've learned that material gifts are nice but , not nearly as important as the family and friends that I share laughter , food and funny stories with . I 'm looking forward to seeing all of you again . Hey All , We all experience life differently . We have memories that we can look back on that bring a smile , a chuckle or even a tear from a warm hearted memory . These are treasures that come out of nowhere and remind us how very lucky we have been . In mid May 1986 Charlie and I were living with Grandmom in Buckingham . At the time I was working at the Central Bucks School District . . I had recently gone from 3rd shift to 2nd and was enjoying having a reasonably normal routine with Charlie . I also had more time with Dad . Dad worked as an over the road truck driver for many years . As teenagers we didn 't see him very often due to his schedule . With one of his employers , he would be gone 6 months at a time on tour with music acts . He toured with Jethro Tull , Foghat , The Commodores and Emotions . He hauled their equipment and props along with other drivers from locations across the USA . He would send money home during this time and came home for a break for about a month before going on another tour . He would usually get frustrated after about a month of enduring home life as we knew it and would say he couldn 't wait to get back on the road . Generally he expressed this with a lot of colorful words . He couldn 't take Mom for to long . . . . . . . So he left us with her instead . Yay ! At this time my Dad had a bad heart . He had suffered from congestive heart failure and enlarged heart . He had a minor heart attack out on the road but told no one about it a he didn 't want anyone to worry about him . We had no health coverage . Dad was 54 years old . He was home permanently now and on SSI as he physically couldn 't work anymore . We saw each other almost daily . Charlie was his only grandchild and they spent a lot of time together . Dad would take Charlie with him to the hardware store , the garden , spotting deer in the evenings or for ice cream . Dad would sometimes come home with a story of their outings . They would watch the deer in the fields and Charlie would yell out the truck window for the deer to come to him . Of course the deer disappeared instead which ended the trip . They loved each other and I was almost emotional at times as I watched them together . I have always enjoyed photography . I had one picture left on the roll and wanted to get what I had already taken developed . I took my camera outside and found Charlie and Dad sitting on the sidewalk by the backdoor . Charlie had a small toolset in his hands as he had just " helped " Dad fix something on the truck and they were watching a big bug crawl across the the walk and were talking . Grandmom was sitting in a lawn chair behind them looking out across town , lost in her thoughts . I took a candid shot of them as my last picture . It turned out to be one of my most valuable treasures . The next day , May 16th , 1986 . Dad passed away from a heart attack as he gave the dog a bath . Grandmom , Charlie and Joe , my older brother were with him . Charlie watched Dad fall and was there as the EMTs tried their best to revive him . . Charlie kept screaming that Grandpop was dead and was taken inside . Charlie cried and talked about how much he was going to miss his Grandpop . I explained to Charlie about his Grandfathers love for him , about heaven and that the time would come they would play together again . Charlie was 3 years old and Dad was the only grandparent that he had a relationship with then . Grandmom had lost her son . . . . . . . . . . he died about 80 feet from where he was born . I can see that photograph as an 8X10 framed and hanging on the wall from where I sit now . It 's hung on a wall in every place that I 've lived . . . . . . . . . . . . and will until I get to see Dad again . Every time I look at it , I find myself kneeling down in front of them , looking through the lens and how thankful I was as I brought them into focus , that Dad had the time to spend with Charlie . Until the next time . . . . . . . . . . God Bless Hey All , Some things just happen with no rhyme or reason . Life unfolds in the strangest of ways sometimes . Accidents happen , right ? This may be one of those stories . Or , Grandmom may have been right , " things happen just the way they are supposed to , even when you can 't see it at the time " . I worked away from home for 4 years and only came home for 2 days a week . During this time I lived with my brother Tom . He put a roof over my head so I could take this job which we desperately needed at the time for health care . I had way too much time on my hands and not being at home and of limited resources , I spent my time off reading , doing Soduku puzzles and looking things up on the computer . One day in the beginning of May 2009 , I was surfing the web , killing time until I had to go to work . I Googled my full name and got a hit that that not only surprised me but had my full attention and curiosity . It seemed that someone was looking into my divorce from Charlie 's biological mother in El Paso Texas . This information was on a website called Dads Divorce . Com . This person was looking for specific information about children born to my former marriage for their " family member " . I wasn 't sure what this was about and the posting was a week short of being 1 year old , but I decided that I would investigate . I registered into this website and left a message for the author , but didn 't get a response . He wasn 't visiting this site very often . I read every posting he made to learn as much as I could . Maybe I would get a lead . Finally , I researched the author 's log in name and found him at another site about BMW 's . He was online at the time but the site wouldn 't allow me to send a message unless I was a member . I registered for the site but he was offline by then , It was frustrating . He was right there and I missed him . I decided to leave a message for him that only informed him about the message at Dads Divorce where I had included my email . Charlie has two sisters he didn 't know about . Their names are Crystal and April . The searcher was an Uncle and agreed to help his eldest niece in the search . She had found out she had a sibling by accident when applying for a security clearance in the Military . Her parents never told their daughters about Charlie and were against them looking for him when they finally did know about him . These kids all had something in common besides a birth mother . Their birth mother left them with their fathers when they were young and didn 't look back . I guess motherhood isn 't instinctive for all women . I still had to tell Charlie and wasn 't sure how to approach him with this revelation . Charlie had lived with the sense of rejection over this for some time . He had asked me a a young boy " why didn 't my mom love me " ? It 's a tough question to answer . I told him that she loved him enough to leave him with me because she knew that I could take better care of him . Where those words came from I 'll never know , they were on my tongue without thought . I had exchanged emails with Crystal and she had sent me a photo of the girls together for Charlie . I didn 't reveal his name to his sisters until I had Charlie 's permission . I wanted to be sure this was something he wanted but I felt strongly that he would . I printed out everything from my initial search of my name to all the emails from the Uncle and Crystal along with the photo in a folder and called and told Charlie we needed to see him . It was all a mystery and was kept that way until he arrived . Penny and I sat on the patio with Charlie and gave him the folder and we took the direct approach and told him . He was quiet at first as he absorbed it all . , then asked us questions and we told him what we knew . They are all in touch now . Crystal is being deployed soon and plans a visit with Charlie , Colleen and Baby Riley before leaving . This is one of the most amazing things that I have ever been involved in . It was a privilege . I guess idle hands are not always the devils ' workshop . Sometimes . . . . . God does work in mysterious ways and sometimes he works right out in the open , Hey . Grandmothers are special people . They have the wisdom that time has taught them and the love born of motherhood that is unique to a woman . Their loving words and gentle hands are a memory never to be forgotten and always to be cherished . Grandmom Scarborough was a very special woman and the matriarch of the Scarborough clan . She had 4 children and quites a few grandchildren . She would often present herself as a tough lady and prided herself on her fortitude . Her family saw this part of her but another as well . She was the most tenderhearted woman I knew back then . She opened her home to a few of her grandchildren at different times over the years when ther was a troubled homelife or a need . My son and I were recipients of her generosity . It was February 1985 and after 6 years in the Army I had an opportunity to apply for Warrant Officer . The only problem was that I would have had to make provisions for my son Charlie . If I was deployed or whenever I had field duty he would have to have a legal guardian . If I saw combat or was killed in war he wouldn 't have any parent . I was divorced at the end of my tour of duty and became a single parent . His biological mother decided she " didn 't want to be a wife or mother anymore " and left us 6 months before never to be seen again . Charlie was 19 months old when this happened and I was the only parent he had left and decided that the only real choice was to be a full time Dad . We came home from El Paso , Texas at the end of February 1985 . My brother Tom volunteered to share in the driving duty home , so I sent him a plane ticket and we drove straight through . I needed a place to live for a little while . My parents had a dispute with each other over my staying at home with my Dad for it and Mom against it . This didn 't surprise me much as Mom didn 't want this to interfere with her " lifestyle " . Tom and Joe , my brothers still lived at home . Mom said that " I made my bed now now sleep in it " . Good ole Mom , I could always count on her compassion . My Grandmother offered us her home when she learned of our circumstances from Dad . I felt a great sense of relief and gratitude . Starting a new life under these circumstances was hard and her generosity to us was much appreciated as we got our feet back on solid ground . My father and brothers spent agreat deal of time a Grandmom 's house . It was always the gathering place for us as boys and early adulthoood . I 'm not sure when it started but Charlie was affectionately called " the kid " by the family . I suppose since he was the only little child to live in this house in a long time . Grandmom was the greatest person for Charlie at this time . He needed a female role to show him love and she just naturally excelled and gladly accepted this position . I got a job and worked 3rd shift for a little while and then managed to get 2nd shift . Grandmom made sure Charle was fed and bathed . She took him out in the yard to play and let him watch Johnny Carson with her . Even though he had his own bed , I would often get home from work to find him sleeping on the couch all night with her as she slept . When I talked with her about spoiling Charlie she just said that " I make special allowances for him " . Grandmom was 75 years old at this time and there were times that she was overwhelmed with one so small and energetic , so I made arrangements for child care on a regular basis . Charlie was as good for Grandmom as she was for him . Grandmom died in end of November 1987 . I know how very lucky we were to have her in our lives . Like us , she may not of been perfect . . . . . . . . . . but , I know that her love to us was pure and perfect . She was the 1st woman Charlie knew in his young life that showed him he was loved . When someone in your life , whether they are family , friend or stranger extends themselves to you . . . . . . . . they are a tremendous Blessing and are to be considered a treasured gift . I love you Grandmom . . . . . . . . Thank you . Hey again , The day that 2 people get married is very exciting with love , hope and laughter . It 's a union created and sanctioned by God himself . Some don 't last for various reasons . Commitment to another imperfect human soul can be a chore that many never consider . April 7th , 1956 was the day Joseph and Dorothy had set for their nuptials . They had met at Jamison Rollerskating Rink and their life together began . The weather was typical for April with clouds and snow squalls . After a beautiful Catholic ceremony everyone celebrated at the Casa Conte in Jenkintown . By all accounts and the photos from the event is was a great celebration , a good time for all . After the reception some of the family went to Dorothy 's parents house in Glenside . Many had raised their . glasses one too many times in celebration . Joe was feeling the effects as well so he took an opportunity to lay back on a bed in a spare bedroom upstairs . As he lay there with his feet on floor , his thoughts were on the drive to Niagra Falls where they would spend their honeymoon . Dorothy 's father , Fred , had come down the hall and spotted him laying there . He had something on his mind and with too many glasses of cheer himself , went in to the bedroom . Joe was only 5 ' 7 " tall where Fred was near 6 ' 4 " . Fred walked in and reached down to the bed and picked Joe up by his collar and raised him to his feet . " I don 't know why my daughter married a bum like you " he said . And with that , dropped Joe back on the bed and walked out . Well Joe was confused . . What just happened ? Where did that come from ? As he laid there dwelling on this new revelation , his anger was growing like a hurricane in the Atlantic . He was raised poor but proud and couldn 't let this pass unanswered . . He decided that he should at least be heard on this subject , so he went back downstairs into the small kitchen where Fred now was . Well , words were spoken in anger and then it got physical . At the end of this " discussion " Joe laid his new father - in - law out on the floor . Needless to say , Dorothy and Joe had their 1st argument as a married couple with the result that had Joe spending his wedding night at his parents house and Dorothy at hers . Eventually they did go on their honeymoon at Niagra Falls . I loved my Father and Grandfather very much . For many years I could sense the distance between them whenever they were in a room together , but , didn 't know why . My parents stayed together " until death do us part " . Their wedding day set the tone for the rest of their married life . Dysfunction , alcohol , physical , verbal and emotional abuse could be found in abundance as time passed . Three boys were born into this storm and , at times , contributed to it . Those are tales for another day . I have posted stories from the past in which all have things in common . Yes . Life can be painful . But , in stories where there was a bad or sad event there was also a neighbor or friend who extended themselves and went out of their way to show compassion to me . These people have been permanently etched in my mind and heart for what they 've done . These stories are about lifes ' events but they 're about these wonderful people . I wanted to thank these people for the impact they 've had in my life and I have no doubt in the lives of others . I owe a debt to these people that can only be repaid by paying it forward and passing it on . I pray I never miss an opportunity . Hey , I 'm back again . If you read my 1st posting here , you know why I 'm writing . I will be telling all kinds of stories from life . Some aren 't flattering . Even of me . The graduating class of 1979 from Hatboro - Horsham High School probably remembers that day . It was a very beautiful day in June . Many had plans and great expectations for the future . Maybe even a little uneasiness as to what was to happen in their lives as one chapter closed and another began . I spent the day of graduation with a friend , Jim and we loved to fish . Almost as much as Mr Nishiyama our biology teacher . We went out early and had a great day . We got back home with just enough time to get ready and get to our graduation ceremony . When I got home , I ran inside and quickly cleaned up and got dressed to go . Mom was pretty well in the bag by then and she sure looked it . She asked me where I was going , so I reminded her of what today was and asked if she was going . She wouldn 't commit one way or the other . I felt a little abandoned when I thought about being alone at graduation as far as family was concerned , but , this was status quo so I shouldn 't have expected anything more . . . . but I secretly did . I hoped to have a " normal " life like the other kids had . . . . . silly me . Jim picked me up and off we went . It was hectic as kids got ready in their caps and gowns . There was lots of excitement and laughter with talk of graduation parties afterwards . We made it . We were graduating . With each of us walking up when our names were called and cheers or applause when they got there . I kept looking in the bleachers for Mom , but , I never found her . I was sad but kept it to myself as I always did . I didn " t want anybody to know . I was emabarassed and ashamed . of my circumstances . . . . . sometimes I still feel that way . After turning in my cap and gown all I could think of was running as far as could . I just to wanted to get away as fast as I could . As I was going down the hall , Joe , another friend caught up with me and wanted me to come to his house . Joe had seen my homelife 1st hand and his family was aware of it as well . I attended a graduation party held for Joe and myself . I received gifts from from Joes ' parents and even his grandparents . I wanted to cry but I didn 't . . . . . . I felt so grateful . When I got home later that night Mom was still drunk . I asked if she went to my graduation . She said she was there . . . . . . under the bleachers . She took a taxi and had him wait and after she watched me get my diploma from under the bleachers , she went home . Again I find myself in deep gratitude to people who have shown me that I was not alone . To Joe and his family I could never express to you how much this has meant to me , as with all the other souls who have extended their hearts to that kid . I wouldn 't have survived this long if not for you . Hey , My memory for this day comes from childhood . People and pets have such an impact and influence on our lives . This is one of those memories . I was about 8 years old and my older brother was around 12 . There are 3 of us boys and we spent a great deal of time down at the creek near our home when we were growing up . Joe usually took me along with him on these trips when he didn 't take his friend Fred . It was springtime and we roamed the creek from Main St in Hatboro all the way to the Old Mill Inn at the other end of town . We followed the creek all the way . On this particular day we came across a ducks nests with eggs in it near the creek . Joe decided that it would be cool to take a couple of eggs home and hatch them and have them as pets . Of course our parents knew nothing of this fantastic idea . Joe and I each claimed ownership of 1 egg and took them home and put them on a vent over the boiler in the cellar . I would check on them whenever the notion came to mind . It was fascinating to watch the eggs rocking on top of the vent as the ducklings formed inside . I was really excited . One morning before school I went and checked on our eggs and had arrived to find my baby duck half out of its ' shell . I had enough time to stay and watch as rest of this little miracle as it unfolded . It was magic ! At the time I didn 't realize that since I was the first thing the duckling saw that it thought I was its ' Mom . Unfortunately , Joes ' egg didn 't hatch . I have no idea if it was a he or a she but I named it Susie . She followed me everywhere ! If she couldn 't see me she would call for me . Peep , Peep , Peep ! Sometimes I would hide from her and watch her run around with her feet slapping the linoleum , her head high and peeping away as she looked for me . We would play in the backyard and even watch TV together . One day while I was at school , Mom took Susie out and let her run around the backyard . Mom wasn 't good at paying close attention to things and Susie must have gotten into something . When I got home from school Susie wasn 't very happy to see me . She kind of just sat there looking around , not moving much even when I took her outside . Over the next couple of hours I watched as Susie slowly declined and finally died . I was heartbroken to say the least . I wailed so loud a few kids in the neighborhood told me they thought I was dying . I went out front of our house and sat on the curb with tears still running down my face . Bobby lived across the street and he was much older than me , but still a teenager . He came over and sat down on the curb next to me and asked me what was wrong . I explained it all to him and Bobby very gently talked with me about love and heaven and how I would get to see Susie again . He soothed my broken heart that day Hey friends . I 'm back with another story from life . It 's hard to pick what to tell . There 's good and bad in all our lives and I don 't want to focus only on negative events . It was 1976 , I was 15 and it was the beginning of the hunting season for deer . It was a fairly warm day for early winter with a fog that you could only see for about 1 / 8 mile or so . We hunted on private land and were the only ones with permission to do so . My father had been a caretaker of sorts for the landowner for a long time . He would post and patrol this property for trespassers and evict them . I was on my hunting stand that morning when a white Volkswagen bus came slowly down the road behind me . It slowed to stop without pulling off the road and then two men got out with hunting gear and started walking into the woods not far from me . As soon as they walked passed the posted signs I heard Dad yell for them to stop . He approached these men and explained that no hunting was permitted . One man became very agitated and was yelling that he could hunt here if he wanted and my father would not stop him . This man carried a scoped rifle which was illegal to use in our part of the state . While I watched from my stand I thought my Dad should have carried a firearm because this situation looked dangerous . I heard a small voice that said " you have one . " Then I looked at the shotgun in my hands and back to the scene I was watching from my deer stand . I scooted down the fallen over tree and I removed my orange clothing , I quickly crept up behind a few large old oaks , frequently peeking around the big trees and thankful for the wet leaves masking my approach . I stopped 10 feet from the screaming man , keeping track of what was happening . The other man had backed away and stood near Dad and seemed nervous about the way his companion was carrying on . I watched from behind a tree as this guy picked up his rifle and put it to his shoulder , sighting through the scope at Dad . I stepped around the big oak into the open , leveled my shotgun , cleared my throat very loud and clicked off the safety . I was 90 degrees to this mans ' right side and only 10 feet away with my gun aimed at his chest . This guy looked at me and the black hole at the end of my barrel . It had taken but a second or two for him to make up his mind . He lowered his rifle and announced that they were leaving . He said nothing else and walked away without looking back to see if his friend is following . I surprised everyone that day including myself . I was ready to kill a man and wasn 't the slightest bit nervous Afterwards I wondered who that kid with shotgun really was . My Dad thought that I saved his life that day . I 'm very thankful that guy lowered his rifle and walked away . Hey all , I hope your day was blessed with a thought or event that brought a smile to your lips or joy to your heart . I 'm not sure how to write a blog and I don 't want to ramble aimlessly . My mind records events like a camera . Not only do I remember life 's events but I see them in my minds eye . I can tell the weather that day , the smell of the air and how I felt about that day . Just like it just happened and sometimes I want to cry . Sometimes I do . I have had heartbreak like you . I try not to think about it though , because , to think is to be there . So , my memory for today is of the past . My mother was a alcoholic . . I came home from high school one beautiful sunshine filled day and was fooling around in the backyard . I picked up a small piece of plywood and tossed it as a Frisbee . A piece of wood broke off and went into my hand , broken off deep in my palm but poking the skin up on the back of my left hand . Hurt like hell ! Mom came home from work shortly after and when I tried to explain , she walked right on by and said not now , it 'll have to wait until tomorrow . She went to her bedroom and locked the door . It was the last we saw her that day , it was about 3 PM . Some how Mrs Marie from across the street heard about it and sent her youngest to get me . It was about 8PM . Mrs Marie just looked at it and said " : Oh honey , I can 't get that out . You 'll have to go to the emergency room . " . I told her what Mom said about tomorrow and she told me that she had spoken to Mom and it would be OK . Her son who was 18 , drove me to the hospital and signed all forms so that I could get treated . I finally got the wood out around 11 Pm . The next morning when I came downstairs with my hand bandaged , Mom looked at me and asked " what happened to you ? " It then I knew Mrs Marie didn 't talk to Mom about the hospital . Where would I have been without that dear woman across the street . I could have had severe complications if I had to wait until the next day . This story is just one of what was to be considered normal in our childhood . Dysfunction was the standard in our household . How many Moms tell their children that she wishes that they were born dead ? We heard that many times . How many times growing up did I wish that too ? That 's enough for today . Until next time . . . . . . God Bless . Hey All . My name is Charles and this blog is about any day in the life , heart and mind . My stories are much like many people have . I 'm not any different than you . This blog is probably more therapy for me than anything else . My wife tells me I should write a book and I respond that nobody would believe it . I have lived all these experiences and most of the time I wish I could deny any involvement . But it is my life and accepting my role and position in it is the mature thing to do . May as well start with current events . I am an Honorably Discharged Army veteran with a substantial hearing disability and I wear hearing aids . I 've worn them for 5 years now but needed them longer than that . I am currently unemployed from a school district and have filed an ADA complaint against them because of my disability . It isn 't a pleasant situation , but , thanks to the intellect and integrity of some of the administration ( or lack of it ) , I have emails and other documentation to prove my case . The events that led up to this day have taken a heavy toll . I am on anti - depressants and anxiety meds . I 've been to the hospital twice over this . Once for chest pain and the other I was admitted to a psych ward for a few days . I understand that I have PTSD which can be attributed to my military experiences and these current events have aggravated my condition to the point of affecting my mental and physical health . I hope that by writing this journal it may help me put things back in order so that I can be my good ole self again . Many things that will be written here will be very personal and may sound like they 're out of soap opera . I only wish I could say that they are not true . But , the pain I feel from them is very real and I just want it to stop and to have peace . Until the next time . . . . . God Bless . |
Things are a bit better today - that is , I took Gill to see Andy and he 's a lot better . Fortunately , his vasculitis has not flared up and the chest infection is responding to antibiotics and he was able to chat to us . And the little boy is responding to treatment too . Because I took Gill , I didn 't see my friend in Norwich ( Andy is in Gallstone Hospital ) but will try to call in tomorrow . This morning , I met a friend for coffee and we chewed the fat for nearly two hours . I come to value my women friends more and more - I always have of course , but I 've always been reticent and self - sufficient for most of my life . When a group of friends got together to dish the dirt , talk frankly about their lives and so on , I was the quiet one , and I didn 't search out a confidante either . But over the past few years I 've changed a fair bit , realised that being reticent can look like being unfriendly and being incurious can look as if I don 't care . So I 've become increasingly open , both to speak and to listen , and the kindness and love that I 've often felt has been incalculable . M and I talked and later G and I talked , nothing startling but in both cases mutually supportive . And while I 'm being soppy ( I 'm not really , I 'm quite chipper tonight ) , thank you too , those who are so often absolutely lovely to me . I do appreciate it . Oh dear . Things seem to be awry at the moment - not here , but amongst friends . A good friend , whom I 've been on holiday with several times , is very ill with duodenal cancer - she 's had some time in remission , but this period ended before Christmas - Andy isn 't at all well , two other dear and elderly friends are in abruptly failing health and the grandson of another friend , a little boy of seven , is in hospital with pneumonia and pleurisy as a complication of a chest infection . And one of the hairdressers at the salon I go to has just had to have her 8 - month - old puppy put down as the result of an accident : he was hit by a car . And an old blog friend has said that his marriage has ended , sadly but inevitably . We 're fine , though I had a frustrated afternoon searching for an important piece of paper that I 'd put in a safe place . I know , fatal . I have got it now though , finally . I 've got to use it now to do some writing , so I mustn 't be long here . Admin problems are put into perspective by far more serious and distressing things happening around us . 1 Well , the Sage did get up this morning and took Ben for a walk , though it wasn 't until nearly 8 o ' clock . I took advantage however and had a lie - in , though I didn 't go back to sleep . And later , Weeza rang to ask if I was happening to plan to go to Norwich this afternoon , because Zerlina 's after - school childminder has the awful chest infection and bronchitis that I did ( I reckon I had a mild dose , so many people are really ill ) . I said , of course , that it would be a great pleasure to look after z for a few hours . And so it was . Darling little girl , she was lovely . And I did a couple of odd jobs to save Weeza 's time ( or Phil 's ) in the evening , clearing and restacking the dishwasher and sorting and folding the dried laundry . I asked what z had learned at school today that she hadn 't known this morning , and she said that they had been taught about road safety . So I suggested that she 'd show me how to cross the road safely , which she did . We 'd just gained the kerb when a car came round the corner . I asked her ( knowing it wasn 't entirely fair , she wouldn 't have been told about it ) what would happen if a car came round the corner when we were halfway across the road ? She considered the matter and told me that we 'd both be run over and squashed flat . 2 Although I have hardly been to the cinema for several years , Elle 's fine influence means that I 've seen four of the films that won awards at the Oscars . That is , Life of Pi , Django Unchained , Silver Linings Playbook and Skyfall . 3 Today there were the interviews for the new Rector . Only one candidate , he and his wife are very likeable . However , since it 's considerate if he 's successful for his parishes to know about it first , we won 't be told for a while . I suppose , if he isn 't , we 'll be told sooner . 4 I didn 't arrive home until five to seven , but had dinner on the table by twenty past . Simple mind you , sea bass , french beans and fried potatoes , the last taking the longest of course , since I had to peel and parboil them to start with . I 'm afraid there were awful air miles in the beans , but Tim had bought a boxful and , since the air miles had happened , my concern is to help Tim sell them all - that is , by buying some , because I know that he has to sell nearly all to make any profit at all . Zerlina had pasta , ham , cheese , cucumber and red pepper for her tea . And grapes . I was going to give her spaghetti bolognaise , but she chose the cheese and ham instead . Obviously , if I 'd been cooking for the family , she 'd have eaten what everyone else had , just in case you 're wondering . 5 I wore a dress for the first time since we 've been looking after Ben . Every other day , I 've worn jeans with increasingly muddy bottoms . I mean bottoms of the legs of course , not bum level . That isn 't muddy . It 's not that it 's warmer , just that I was being a bit sociable at lunchtime . Tomorrow , I shall have my hair cut . Jolly good , it grows surprisingly quickly and , although I rarely look in the mirror , I 'm generally aware that I look a bit haphazard and scruffy much of the time . I did get around to putting my rings on this morning though . I take the view that a bit of bling takes the eye from my lack of personal grooming . Posted by 1 Ben barked at 4 am . I came down and let him out , he lifted his leg against a tree for some time , so needed to go . However , when he barked again at 7 and I came down again ( I 'd still been awake at 6 , and hadn 't slept at all until after 2 ) , he just wanted to play . The Sage slept through it all . 2 I cooked him * a massive marrow bone on Saturday , gave it to him today and he was thrilled with it and spent a long time gnawing it out in the passageway . The carpet out there is now rather greasy , but it 's nasty old carpet tiles , only still there because they are so easy to lift and wash . Ten years ago , my mother couldn 't understand why I didn 't get something better , but they 're dirt - coloured and so useful . 3 The Sage has started buying me flowers . It 's been tulips the last couple of weeks and today he brought carnations , freesias and pink roses . Very charming of him , but quite disconcerting after all these years . 4 I opened a bottle of red wine which had lost its label . I found that the cork was marked La Croix St André Lalande - de - Pomerol 1979 . It is delicious . Just as well I hadn 't realised , I 'd have saved it for a special occasion which might never arise . 5 I made soup of onion , celery and potato flavoured with cumin seeds , cooked in vegetable stock and milk . It was very good . And we had sausages too . We 'd had bacon and eggs for lunch , I 'm going for lot of walks and am permanently cold as a result . * Ben , not the Sage I 've finally realised why Ben is very like , but also very unlike Chester to look at . He 's like Chester in middle age , ten or so , not as he was as a young dog . Chester was very skinny and whippy , it was the setter in him , and he was darker too when he was young . Ben is much chunkier , though he 's little more than a pup . The Sage got up to use the loo at 6 . 30 , which woke Ben and he barked to go out . So I - yes , darlings , the Sage was ruthless about it - got up and walked into town rather earlier than expected . It 's not very far , not quite a mile and a half . News about Ben 's owners - Gill is finding it much easier to get about the bungalow using Andy 's wheelchair and not trying to hop around with a walking frame . Andy isn 't too well , having developed an infection . His health is precarious and Gill asked the nurse to contact his consultant rather than just give antibiotics , which might not be appropriate . When she said the full name of his specific condition - a three - word phrase which I 've forgotten - it was clear that the nurse wasn 't familiar with it ( not surprising , it 's very rare ) and was taking the situation seriously . I 've not done a stroke of work the last week . I 'll be sorry any day when it all catches up with me , but right now I 'm feeling very okay about it . I also offered to write up the church rota for the next three months , which I used to do but is now Andy 's job . Sadly , there are so few of us now to do the necessary jobs that my first draft has my name down forty times . Someone else is down fifteen times , another eleven and another three . That 's everything except the readings on Easter Sunday and the flowers , which I have a feeling will be done between two of us for the most part . I should add that I 'm waiting to hear back from two others and I expect they will take on a few readings , at least . I 'm down so often because , whatever else I do , I 'll be playing the music until Andy is able to take his turn again . I 'm not sure if I 've mentioned it , but our Rector left last autumn to take on a new parish . Apparently , we have a candidate for the appointment and we 're meeting him or her on Monday - I 'm not very involved in church things , whatever it looks like , so the news has just caught up with me and I 've been invited along ( as has the Sage , but he has another engagement ) . I don 't really approve of the way church appointments are made . The Bishop chooses the short list , which often comprises one candidate , then there 's an interview , but it 's very much a supervised affair , so the churchwardens and other interested people don 't really have a free hand . And , not seeing the applications , one isn 't given background knowledge and there might be reasons for putting someone forward for a post that don 't put the parish first . I 'm sure the Bishop tries very hard to put a round peg in a round hole , but more openness would be better , not least because plans could be made for mutual support before problems arise - which usually result in parishioners having found another church to attend or opted out altogether . Of course it can work the other way and a successful minister gives a feeling of spiritual and / or practical support and encouragement , which brings more people in . It 's not just a matter of bums on pews , but if someone comes along once in a while , they 're quite sniffy if there aren 't fresh flowers , a warm church and an equally warm welcome , with a tidy and well - mown churchyard to boot , even if they never give time or money towards providing or supporting them . Right now , we only have one service a month when we can be sure of having double figures in the congregation , and then there are often at least forty - but it 's a family do , very informal , we serve breakfast first and , although the people who come love it , they wouldn 't come every week because young families are busy on a Sunday . And most of the older people - except for a few who come with their grandchildren - don 't like it at all . I don 't mind , but I 'm easy - going , and If you 've lasted this far , Ben is getting on very well . His main fault is pulling hard on the lead , so I went and bought a Halti , which my mother found was marvellous with her dogs . And it did stop him pulling , but he hated it and spent a fair bit of time trying to get it off him . So later , just taking him for a quick trot round the village , I didn 't have the heart to put it on him and , instead , used Tilly 's extending lead , and that worked pretty well too . Whichever I find is best , I hope to have him a lot more controllable by the time he goes back home - Gill is going to be quite nervous of walking him for a while . He 's pretty well behaved otherwise and has an exceptionally sweet nature . I 'll walk him into the town in the morning to fetch the Sunday papers , unless the weather is awful . And here he is . Yes , the bit of mud on the carpet is from his paw . It 'll be for a couple of months and yes , before you say anything , we may end up with him . I know that Gill finds him far too much , but they got him for Andy so it 'll be up to him . So for now , we 're looking after him and will do so for as long as needed . He looks very like Chester actually . A bit heavier - built and not quite so red - Chester was an Irish setter / bearded collie cross and was more orange than copper - coloured . I 'm making it clear that I 'm pack leader and he 's really being very good ( although he just peed on the rug , not having asked to go out ) . He 'll need a fair bit of exercise , I can see that I 'm going to get fit whether I want to or not . Sometimes , it seems as if someone 's luck has simply run out . You remember my friend who , while on holiday a couple of years ago , became terribly ill and finally came home by air ambulance ? The hospital in Madeira treated him with antibiotics which nearly killed him and he was finally diagnosed with vasculitis , had to give up work ( and so did his wife , to look after him ) and he is permanently disabled , although he 's come on very well since his diagnosis . We went to his 60th birthday party last Saturday - they moved from a large house to a smaller bungalow just round the corner from us . And I 've just heard that he has had a fall and broken his ankle . This is pretty serious of course because he now has terribly poor circulation . In addition , he mustn 't put weight on it but he hasn 't the strength in his arms to bear his weight on crutches . Even worse , his wife has hurt her own ankle while walking their dog , a young and boisterous golden retriever . I 've phoned and left a message - she 's probably at the hospital . I 've offered to walk the dog for as long as necessary . I don 't mean one long walk , obv , but to take dog walking off their hands . Or feet . Oh dear . Poor loves . It 's terribly worrying . Update - have spoken to friend near Canterbury . She has also had a fall , hurt her knee , which joint she had replaced a couple of years ago and landed smack on her face , which is a bit of a mess . I 've offered to go and fetch her , but she thinks she 'll be okay . I did go and look after Gus for the day . He was better , but not right - temperature down but pale with shadows under his eyes . Still , he was smiling and eating bread and Marmite when I arrived , so that was a big improvement on the day before . Weeza had a very busy day at work , so it was a good job she went in - she works for someone who owns a great deal of land , including let cottages , farms and a business , and her job is managing the estate lettings etc . and being his PA - as it would have been very tricky for anyone else who didn 't know the ropes . There was quite a hard air frost this morning and the Sage cleared the windscreen of ice , then I did , then I had to stop halfway down the drive and clear it again as it froze as I drove . It froze again in patches , but by sitting straight and tall I was able to look through a clear patch , and of course the de - mister sorted it out after a couple of miles . Tall is a relative term of course , as you 'll know if you 've met me . At least , with five grandchildren under 8 and Dora in the family ( Dora is teeny as well as adorable ) , I 'm no longer the shortest . By lunchtime , Gus had perked up enough to eat a good helping of cucumber and red pepper while the pasta was cooking , which I served with pesto stirred in and grated cheese on top . I know , darlings , the mark of the middle classes - indeed , I couldn 't find the grater ( turned out to be in the dishwasher ) and so I shaved the cheese with the potato peeler , which is even worse . Then he ate fromage frais and half a banana . Which went further down the same route , but indicated he 'd eaten a good lot overall , . Then we went for a walk . There 's a nice little wood near their house , which I hadn 't known about before . Gus walked quite a long way , but if I held his hand he would suddenly pretend to stumble in a " Vic , I 've fallen " way ( which will only mean anything to you if you watched Vic Reeves ' Big Night Out some 20 years ago . ) and want to be stood up again , which was not amusing for me for quite as long as it was for him . Eventually , I put him in his pushchair and in due course he fell asleep . Sadly , he didn 't stay asleep when I put him in his cot at home , but he was very good , only flagging for a bit at about 4 . 30 . I gave him bread and water , it seemed to do the trick . I 'd sung to him too , which he bore patiently . I can hold a tune , though listeners sometimes mistake the tune I 'm holding , but I 'm no singer . Nursery rhymes and music hall songs are mainly my repertoire , though I know quite a lot of tunes that I don 't remember more words of than the first line . Not only does it not interest me , but I can 't hit the high notes , so am useless as there are gaps . * Today , we both slept through the alarm and I was half awake when my phone rang at ten past nine . Better not keep that up or we 'll sleep our lives away . The Sage stayed in bed in fact , for another hour , though I got up and on with the day . Weeza sent a text to say that Gus has a temperature and is still asleep , so she 's had to take the day off work . He 's been under the weather but we hoped he was just teething . I 'm supposed to be in Norwich tomorrow , but if he 's still not well I 'll cancel and go and look after him instead . Spring must be arriving because I 've an urge to do some gardening . This is quite disconcerting . However , I might as well act on it . In the first place , we need to consider what to do with the bantams . They 've been completely free - range for the past couple of years and I 've loved having them run up to the door every time I go out , but I 'm afraid it 's going to have to change . They ruin the lawn : where I took out the old hedge , grass has never been able to grow because they scratch it up and they make holes in the lawn for their dust baths in the summer . And they lay away and we hardly have any eggs at all . So the Sage has gradually inveigled them into the big greenhouse and they 're living there , nearly all of them , at present . This can 't last much longer of course , they 'll be too hot as soon as the weather improves . So , what we 're talking about is maybe giving over half the kitchen garden to them . I can 't grow much , I haven 't time for it all . We 've got the bungalow garden to look after now , and there 's already more than we can do . But I don 't want to grow no vegetables at all , it 's what I enjoy growing most of all , being greedy and fond of fresh vegetables . So if we put some wire up , we can restrict them to some of the veg plot and they can roost in the greenhouse . I don 't need a 40 foot greenhouse at the moment , or at least I can do without the watering of it . I 'll still have the other greenhouse . That is , we 've two others , but one is derelict , I 'm afraid . We need to take a good look at it and see if we 're going to resurrect it or not . I used to have all of them full of plants and manage to find time for all the work too , but now it 's not time so much as energy and determination . I 've lost interest . And there 's no point anyway , what would I do with half a dozen cucumbers , a couple of pounds of beans and far too many peas and courgettes , every day ? The picking of them would be a burden , even if I give them away . I 'm no good at the thing of sowing a pinch of everything each week , growing a sensible amount that we can cope with . It doesn 't suit me . I do it on a bigger scale or not at all . You 've got to work with the kind of person you are , or can adapt yourself to be . In other news . . . I 've bought new telephones which have caller ID on them ( that is , they 'll be delivered within the next hour ) . And from now on , the rule will be only to pick up the phone if we know who 's on the other end , or at least if there 's a number showing . If someone is ex - directory , they 'll have to leave a message and we 'll phone them back . There are so many cold calls , the Telephone Preference Service doesn 't work any longer and I 'm heartily fed up with it . They always come at the most inconvenient times , and however terse one is in saying no thanks , it 's a nuisance . Mind you , the Sage will find it hard to resist . He loves the telephone . In other other news , it 's car insurance renewal time again . Oh damn . The quote I 've got from the company I use ( LV ) doesn 't look bad , let 's hope it turns out to be the best and I can simply renew . All the trawling through different companies and price comparisons is so tedious , if necessary . Posted by A couple of you have asked for the courgette recipe - it 's very easy to do and I normally have all the ingredients - that is , if I use canned chickpeas and a jar of pesto . I know , darlings , convenience food at every turn . 1 large onion Slice the onion into thin rings , cook gently in a tablespoonful of olive oil for about five minutes , then turn the heat up a bit and allow it to colour a little - about another 5 minutes . Meanwhile , crush the garlic , dice the aubergine into 1 inch cubes and thinly slice the courgettes . Add the rest of the oil and the prepared vegetables to the onion , cook , stirring , for five minutes , add the stock , cover and simmer for about 15 minutes . Drain and rinse the chick peas , add to the pan , stir in the cream and pesto and add , with seasoning . Cook for a few more minutes to heat through . Elle sent me a text soon after 8 o ' clock to say they 'd arrived in Berlin . We parted with warm hugs and promises to visit each other . It 's very quiet here tonight , but luckily I 've got quite a lot on this week - not much of it work - related - so I 'll keep busy and not be lonely . Elle asked me to cook a proper English roast last night , so I did roast pork , because of the crackling . Because it 's one of those things that they tend not to do abroad ( actually , I don 't know if they do crackling in Germany ) and it 's marvellous . I 'd have done roast beef otherwise , but a good rib of beef for just six isn 't easy unless you all like it cooked the same , more or less , and I like rare and the Sage likes overcooked , so we 're stuck already . Elle 's mother , Vee , is mostly vegetarian so I did a substantial veggie side dish , courgettes and aubergines with chick peas , cream and pesto ( if you came to the party last year you may have eaten it , it 's one of my favourites ) as well as roast potatoes and spinach , in case she 'd prefer to avoid the pork , but in fact she did politely eat a small helping . Then I made Queen of Puddings because it 's such a very English pud and you hardly ever come across it in restaurants . And I served English , French and German cheeses . Vee remarked that she 'd never eaten biscuits with cheese before . I did consider the matter , but resolutely served cheese biscuits and served it after the pudding , not before . Englishness was the point of the meal ( I know the courgette dish wasn 't very English , but the other point of being English is that we take good things from anywhere ) . Elle also wanted a proper English breakfast , so we had bacon , eggs , sausages , mushrooms and tomatoes followed by toast with local honey and home - made marmalade . Tonight , we are having fish and chips , from the chippy . And tomorrow , they intend to head for the local cafe in search of brunch . I 've got to play the clarinet in church tomorrow , so i can 't go with them , but I 'll be back before it 's time for them to head for Luton . A couple of bloggers are using the trick of remarking on five things that have happened that day - the idea came from Oprah Winfrey , apparently . And since I have little time and less inspiration , that 's what I 'll do today . 1 There was a thrush singing in the pine tree by Kenny 's shed this afternoon . It had spring and nesting and suchlike in its mind , I could tell . 3 I went to get milk from the farm . Jonny 's Girls were being milked and , a few at a time , strolled relaxedly out afterwards , chewing the cud . It has to be * the * cud , doesn 't it ? You just can 't say " the cow was chewing her cud , " it sounds weird . 4 The Head 's PA always makes me a cup of tea and tries to catch me out with the variety . Today , she succeeded - it was Earl Grey with orange blossom . Very pleasant . Year 7 have been doing Indian music this half term , which I have enjoyed very much . Composition is not my forte , though I can advise young children on the principles , but the raga and the tala , at a fairly basic level ( we 're talking 11 - year - olds ) , are within my capabilities . They 're a nice age group too , interested and not afraid to have a go - in a year or two , some of them will be too concerned about making a mistake and feeling silly , something I can sympathise with because I felt like that too , when I was young . Elle is packing an overnight bag and in half an hour I 'll drive her to the station to catch a train to London . She 'll meet her mother , who 's been working in Paris so is coming over by Eurostar , and then they 'll meet up with her father and sister , who are flying over . Tomorrow , they 'll all come back here where they will stay for a couple of nights . And on Sunday , she 'll leave us for good . And the Sage and I will finally , after all these years , be empty - nesters . Posted by When the Sage and I were eating our lunch on Sunday , two elderly ladies came and sat down at the next table . They were obviously good friends who hadn 't seen each other for a while and were catching up on news , and then the younger ( or at least less doddery ) one said that her son and his family had given her an iPad for Christmas . They talked about it for some time , the friend being very impressed that she had learned to use email and she had a lot of questions . " It 's such fun ! " the lucky iPad owner told her . " And it 's easier to use than you 'd think . I can 't quite remember my email address yet , but lots of people write to me and I 've learned to reply to them . " " How much did it cost ? " " About £ 400 , I think . " " That 's a lot of money . " " Yes , it is - well , it 's a lot to me . I was so excited when I opened it on Christmas Day . I couldn 't believe my luck ! " Family friendships that continue down the generations are especially lovely , I think . I 've mentioned one or two before , such as Pam and Peter , whom I went to Corfu with last year . And the other day , we had a phone call from Fenella , whose grandparents were great friends with the Sage 's parents and whose dad is Ro 's godfather ( or dogdaddy , as he used to say as a very little boy ) . She was going to be in the area for a hen weekend and wondered if we might be free on the Sunday evening ? We said we 'd pick her up and take her out for supper . Well . Best laid plans . . . would have been better if we 'd done a bit more checking . We picked her up from the wilderness beyond Diss and set off to find a pub . An hour later - honestly , there were no pubs to be seen in miles ! - we finally found one . And it was closed . Finally , we aimed for Diss itself , where all of one pub was open and it didn 't serve food . The Chinese takeaway was open ! - and it had a restaurant ! ! - and it was fully booked ¡¡¡ for the Chinese New Year ! ¡!¡ but the very nice waitress relented and said that we could have a table if we could please eat up and leave within half an hour . Which we did , and many thanks to them for a very good meal , exceptionally quickly served . And Happy Year of the Snake . I have also seized control of life by phoning an agency and arranging for two cleaners to come and spend an afternoon here tomorrow . They don 't know what 's going to hit ' em - this is a beast of a house to keep clean , and I 've not been equal to the effort for the last few weeks . Once it 's done , I should be able to keep it going for months again . I 've come to the conclusion that this probably suits me better than having someone in to do a bit every week . The party seems to have been a success . Half a dozen girls and one boy ( the boyfriend of one of them ) stayed until noon to clean the bungalow thoroughly , which seems a bit depressingly gender - clichéd - I should say , a number stayed over , don 't know how many . I went out to sidesman at the early service , then into town to pick up the paper and , coming back down the drive , one lad was just setting off on foot . I picked him up , turned the car round and drove him into town . A completely unsuitable denim jacket , he 'd have been freezing . My long hours of sleep have come to their natural conclusion and I slept for less than an hour and a half last night , disappointingly . Baz the Rev was telling an anecdote about a recent visit to London , where he was quite disconcerted to be offered a seat by a young man on the Tube . I laughed hollowly and said I 'd had the same thing happen myself and been grateful to accept it ( I 'm some years younger than Baz ) - and I know I told you the most recent times because it was when I had a bad hip ( though it was usually on the bus , because I couldn 't manage all the walking required on Tube journeys ) - but I can 't remember whether or not I 've ever told you about the first time it happened . And if I can 't , odds are you can 't either . I had taken Ro to London for a day out - he was quite a little boy , four or so . It might have been before he started school , that being the reason El and Al weren 't with us . We 'd had a splendid day , though I can 't remember what we 'd done - probably his first visit to the Natural History Museum . We had walked a long way and we were both ready to flop . And we got onto the train and there was just one seat . I looked at him . " You sit down , " I told him , " You 're more tired than I am . " So he did , and a young man was sitting opposite him , wearing one of those massive rucksacks that goes right up behind your head , and I know that if I tried one of them I 'd flounder under it and lie on my back like a stranded ladybird . But he leapt up and offered me his seat . I was embarrassed , said it was quite all right , but he was insistent , so I sat down . Then , of course , I had to tell Ro to get up and give him his seat . Then I invited Ro to come and sit on my lap . It was the most farcical comedy of good manners you could imagine , heaven knows what the rest of the carriage thought about it . Posted by Well , now I see what happens when I take advice to rest , I 'll probably never do it again . Once I started sleeping , I couldn 't stop . I spent the whole of yesterday in bed , most of it asleep . The house needs a good clean and I can 't face the thought of it , I 'm going to phone an agency on Monday and hope to book a cleaner to sort it out . Of course , it 'll still be a fair bit of work for me , because some tidying is required too ( the Sage doesn 't do tidying , untidying is his speciality ) but it 'll be no end of a help . Elle and her friend Em are having their party in the bungalow tonight . I 've no idea how many are going to turn up , but it could be a fair foo , as we say in Norfolk . I 've hauled myself up to the attic to adjust the heating ( the idiot who thought the place to put the boiler was the wrong side of a loft ladder is cursed regularly ) and provided loo rolls , teabags , paper plates and disposable cups and I took them to the Co - op to do some shopping , though I didn 't quite feel up to going in with them . I 'll toddle through in a few minutes and ask if there 's anything else I can do . Oh , I weighed myself this morning . I 've lost - well , I 've lost about four pounds since the last time I weighed myself , which was on 1st January , but when one takes into account the amount of January chocolate that was eaten , it 's probably nearer half a stone in the last few days . Actually , I weigh exactly what I want to weigh . That is , about half a stone more than I was comfortable with back in my youth , but I 've reached the age when being too thin goes to the face . Also , one needs resilience - just think , if I 'd been an 8 - stone weakling at the start of this , I 'd hardly be able to stand up now . Posted by I grew up before the days of routine snacks and treats . We had three square meals a day and that was reckoned to be quite enough , although there was always fruit and , if hungry , we would be welcome to have some cheese or something similar . My mother discouraged sweets and chocolate and a packet of crisps was a rare pleasure ( Smith 's Crisps , with the salt in a twist of blue paper , of course ) . Once , however , I caught a bad dose of ' flu . Actually , it started when I was sick . Crossing the hall , I suddenly threw up onto the parquet floor . And , rough though I felt - ooh , this blog is going to be a confessional again , I 've never told anyone this - I was so polite - so polite - that I cleared it up before going to tell my mother , and I didn 't mention that I 'd been taken by surprise and let her assume I 'd made it to the lavatory . I was probably about 12 at the time . I was not afraid of her , she was the soul of loving kindness to me , it was embarrassment at having made an unpleasant mess and a reluctance for someone else to have to clear it up . Anyway , I was duly tucked up in bed and later , trying to tempt my appetite , my mother brought a trayful of little bowls of snacks . A few grapes , some crisps , sweets , nuts , all sorts of things . And I have the clearest memory of gazing at them all , treats beyond all my dreams , and not being able to eat any of them . I was ill for several days , almost delirious that first night , but eventually started eating again of course . And the frustrating thing was that it didn 't occur to her to produce the goodies again , when I 'd have been able to enjoy them . And , of course , I was far too polite to ask . A good twelve hours in bed wasn 't quite enough to put me right , but the short nap I took after taking Elle to school was . I didn 't go to the lecture , which I 'm really disappointed to have missed , but I seem to be fine except for an inability to eat meals . Chocolate biscuits and cake - and a green salad for supper - seem to go down all right . Oh , and I 've lost the taste for alcohol . I trust that is temporary . Elle brought home her report yesterday and a paper for me to sign confirming she is leaving the school . Each of her teachers had to sign it too and all of them said they 'd refuse to do so if it meant that she 'd stay . I think it 's fair to say that she 's popular . She 's done wonderfully well , moving to a foreign country and staying with a succession of strangers , most regularly with a couple old enough to be her grandparents - well , in the Sage 's case , great - grandparent - and taking several subjects and being successful in them . She 's coming back in the summer to take the second part of her Psychology AS Level , in fact . And she may well come back again in July to go with her friends to go to the Latitude festival . I suspect this will depend on whether her parents stump up the money for a ticket . . . As for me , she assures me that her whole family loves me , whether they 've met me or not . That is , I 've only met her dad as yet , though her mum and sister will be coming to stay at the end of next week . The tickets for the Aldeburgh concerts have arrived , which is very cheering . I haven 't been for a while , maybe three or four years , and I never used to miss going there . I didn 't always go to the Festival , though , because June is a busy month - it will be again , but no matter . Concerts at the Proms in August were easier to be sure I 'd be able to go to . For some years , it was very difficult to go away on holiday at all , and I treated Snape concerts as my summer holiday and went to as many as possible . Well , that was embarrassing . I 've been going into lessons at school this week , and today was a Food Tech lesson - it 's not that I 'm linked to that department but that I 've been looking at Teaching Assistants . I 'd not met the teacher before , though I knew her by sight , and she was very charming and friendly and showed me one girl 's portfolio of written work , which took about ten minutes , and then offered to take me into the kitchen to see the cooking being done . I said I 'd love to , but I was afraid I needed to sit down for a few minutes first because I felt a bit faint ( though there was no ' bit ' about it , I had about 15 seconds before I 'd have keeled over . I 've got a chest infection and have been exceptionally busy , and this morning I had been up and down several staircases and been outside without a coat on , and then I went into a warm room and was almost undone . I had to sit there , head on table , for quite some time . The teacher wanted to call for help for me , but it wasn 't necessary - anyway , eventually I felt well enough to go into the other room and soon after I recovered and was able to do the nosy governor bit . However , I am going to bed early and staying there for twelve hours . Approx . I 've got a busy couple of days ahead again and there 's nothing I can easily miss . Well , there is one thing I can miss , a Nadfas lecture in the morning , but I don 't want to . I had a post planned for this evening , but plans have changed since reading about our dear friend Pat 's loss . Pat is my oldest ( in terms of long standing ) blog friend : she left the first ever comment here , nearly seven years ago . Many of us have read her wonderful account of her and MTL 's love story and know how they have appreciated every minute of their years together . Posted by Wink and I went over to have lunch with Weeza and Gus today . The Sage was invited to come , but got cold feet at the thought of all that togetherness and asked to be dropped off in Norwich instead , coming home on the bus during the afternoon . I 'm not going to fuss about the Hon Sec situation . The AGM is at the end of March , but the next meeting is in October and , if the worst happens and I don 't have anyone to take over from me this spring ( I think someone will come along ) then there 's another chance in the autumn . Not fussing is best . Having said that , I had a bit of a heart to heart with Wink this evening that made me cry - again . I 'm afraid the waterworks have been turned on all too much of late . In this instance , it was age - related . . . I 'm approaching the age at which my father died . If I live to the 25th March ( disregarding Leap Years , I haven 't done the math , as they say ) I 'll have outlived my father . This gives me no feeling of satisfaction , rather the opposite . Wink said the same : that she was very aware of her age at that time . We both adored him and he died far too young . I 'm so grateful that she was able to share my feelings and wish she 'd been able to say the same a few years ago , though I don 't know if I 'd have quite understood . Maybe some of you do . Gus , in the last week , has gone from walking if you held his hand , and crawling for the sake of speed otherwise , to choosing to walk and being thrilled by the ability , in the week since I saw him last . He 's such a cheerful little boy , great fun . His big sister is the same - very happy to have won one of the weekly class awards , the one for being kind and friendly and generally helpful ( Angel ) , for the third time . She 's won the one for hard work and progress ( Diamond ) once , there 's the biggest award ( can 't remember what it 's called ) that she hasn 't won yet but , her birthday being at the end of August , she 's the youngest in the school and it 's marvellous that she 's getting on so well and is happy . Weeza and Phil 's car was in the garage for a service today and they 'd explained they had an appointment at 4 . 30 so it was vital the car was returned by 4 at latest . 5 . 15 it was returned , what a good job that I was there so they could use my car . I have Weeza as a named driver , but she 'd have been 3rd party insured anyway . Not that the garage knew that . Pfft . Posted by Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
Things are a bit better today - that is , I took Gill to see Andy and he 's a lot better . Fortunately , his vasculitis has not flared up and the chest infection is responding to antibiotics and he was able to chat to us . And the little boy is responding to treatment too . Because I took Gill , I didn 't see my friend in Norwich ( Andy is in Gallstone Hospital ) but will try to call in tomorrow . This morning , I met a friend for coffee and we chewed the fat for nearly two hours . I come to value my women friends more and more - I always have of course , but I 've always been reticent and self - sufficient for most of my life . When a group of friends got together to dish the dirt , talk frankly about their lives and so on , I was the quiet one , and I didn 't search out a confidante either . But over the past few years I 've changed a fair bit , realised that being reticent can look like being unfriendly and being incurious can look as if I don 't care . So I 've become increasingly open , both to speak and to listen , and the kindness and love that I 've often felt has been incalculable . M and I talked and later G and I talked , nothing startling but in both cases mutually supportive . And while I 'm being soppy ( I 'm not really , I 'm quite chipper tonight ) , thank you too , those who are so often absolutely lovely to me . I do appreciate it . Oh dear . Things seem to be awry at the moment - not here , but amongst friends . A good friend , whom I 've been on holiday with several times , is very ill with duodenal cancer - she 's had some time in remission , but this period ended before Christmas - Andy isn 't at all well , two other dear and elderly friends are in abruptly failing health and the grandson of another friend , a little boy of seven , is in hospital with pneumonia and pleurisy as a complication of a chest infection . And one of the hairdressers at the salon I go to has just had to have her 8 - month - old puppy put down as the result of an accident : he was hit by a car . And an old blog friend has said that his marriage has ended , sadly but inevitably . We 're fine , though I had a frustrated afternoon searching for an important piece of paper that I 'd put in a safe place . I know , fatal . I have got it now though , finally . I 've got to use it now to do some writing , so I mustn 't be long here . Admin problems are put into perspective by far more serious and distressing things happening around us . 1 Well , the Sage did get up this morning and took Ben for a walk , though it wasn 't until nearly 8 o ' clock . I took advantage however and had a lie - in , though I didn 't go back to sleep . And later , Weeza rang to ask if I was happening to plan to go to Norwich this afternoon , because Zerlina 's after - school childminder has the awful chest infection and bronchitis that I did ( I reckon I had a mild dose , so many people are really ill ) . I said , of course , that it would be a great pleasure to look after z for a few hours . And so it was . Darling little girl , she was lovely . And I did a couple of odd jobs to save Weeza 's time ( or Phil 's ) in the evening , clearing and restacking the dishwasher and sorting and folding the dried laundry . I asked what z had learned at school today that she hadn 't known this morning , and she said that they had been taught about road safety . So I suggested that she 'd show me how to cross the road safely , which she did . We 'd just gained the kerb when a car came round the corner . I asked her ( knowing it wasn 't entirely fair , she wouldn 't have been told about it ) what would happen if a car came round the corner when we were halfway across the road ? She considered the matter and told me that we 'd both be run over and squashed flat . 2 Although I have hardly been to the cinema for several years , Elle 's fine influence means that I 've seen four of the films that won awards at the Oscars . That is , Life of Pi , Django Unchained , Silver Linings Playbook and Skyfall . 3 Today there were the interviews for the new Rector . Only one candidate , he and his wife are very likeable . However , since it 's considerate if he 's successful for his parishes to know about it first , we won 't be told for a while . I suppose , if he isn 't , we 'll be told sooner . 4 I didn 't arrive home until five to seven , but had dinner on the table by twenty past . Simple mind you , sea bass , french beans and fried potatoes , the last taking the longest of course , since I had to peel and parboil them to start with . I 'm afraid there were awful air miles in the beans , but Tim had bought a boxful and , since the air miles had happened , my concern is to help Tim sell them all - that is , by buying some , because I know that he has to sell nearly all to make any profit at all . Zerlina had pasta , ham , cheese , cucumber and red pepper for her tea . And grapes . I was going to give her spaghetti bolognaise , but she chose the cheese and ham instead . Obviously , if I 'd been cooking for the family , she 'd have eaten what everyone else had , just in case you 're wondering . 5 I wore a dress for the first time since we 've been looking after Ben . Every other day , I 've worn jeans with increasingly muddy bottoms . I mean bottoms of the legs of course , not bum level . That isn 't muddy . It 's not that it 's warmer , just that I was being a bit sociable at lunchtime . Tomorrow , I shall have my hair cut . Jolly good , it grows surprisingly quickly and , although I rarely look in the mirror , I 'm generally aware that I look a bit haphazard and scruffy much of the time . I did get around to putting my rings on this morning though . I take the view that a bit of bling takes the eye from my lack of personal grooming . Posted by 1 Ben barked at 4 am . I came down and let him out , he lifted his leg against a tree for some time , so needed to go . However , when he barked again at 7 and I came down again ( I 'd still been awake at 6 , and hadn 't slept at all until after 2 ) , he just wanted to play . The Sage slept through it all . 2 I cooked him * a massive marrow bone on Saturday , gave it to him today and he was thrilled with it and spent a long time gnawing it out in the passageway . The carpet out there is now rather greasy , but it 's nasty old carpet tiles , only still there because they are so easy to lift and wash . Ten years ago , my mother couldn 't understand why I didn 't get something better , but they 're dirt - coloured and so useful . 3 The Sage has started buying me flowers . It 's been tulips the last couple of weeks and today he brought carnations , freesias and pink roses . Very charming of him , but quite disconcerting after all these years . 4 I opened a bottle of red wine which had lost its label . I found that the cork was marked La Croix St André Lalande - de - Pomerol 1979 . It is delicious . Just as well I hadn 't realised , I 'd have saved it for a special occasion which might never arise . 5 I made soup of onion , celery and potato flavoured with cumin seeds , cooked in vegetable stock and milk . It was very good . And we had sausages too . We 'd had bacon and eggs for lunch , I 'm going for lot of walks and am permanently cold as a result . * Ben , not the Sage I 've finally realised why Ben is very like , but also very unlike Chester to look at . He 's like Chester in middle age , ten or so , not as he was as a young dog . Chester was very skinny and whippy , it was the setter in him , and he was darker too when he was young . Ben is much chunkier , though he 's little more than a pup . The Sage got up to use the loo at 6 . 30 , which woke Ben and he barked to go out . So I - yes , darlings , the Sage was ruthless about it - got up and walked into town rather earlier than expected . It 's not very far , not quite a mile and a half . News about Ben 's owners - Gill is finding it much easier to get about the bungalow using Andy 's wheelchair and not trying to hop around with a walking frame . Andy isn 't too well , having developed an infection . His health is precarious and Gill asked the nurse to contact his consultant rather than just give antibiotics , which might not be appropriate . When she said the full name of his specific condition - a three - word phrase which I 've forgotten - it was clear that the nurse wasn 't familiar with it ( not surprising , it 's very rare ) and was taking the situation seriously . I 've not done a stroke of work the last week . I 'll be sorry any day when it all catches up with me , but right now I 'm feeling very okay about it . I also offered to write up the church rota for the next three months , which I used to do but is now Andy 's job . Sadly , there are so few of us now to do the necessary jobs that my first draft has my name down forty times . Someone else is down fifteen times , another eleven and another three . That 's everything except the readings on Easter Sunday and the flowers , which I have a feeling will be done between two of us for the most part . I should add that I 'm waiting to hear back from two others and I expect they will take on a few readings , at least . I 'm down so often because , whatever else I do , I 'll be playing the music until Andy is able to take his turn again . I 'm not sure if I 've mentioned it , but our Rector left last autumn to take on a new parish . Apparently , we have a candidate for the appointment and we 're meeting him or her on Monday - I 'm not very involved in church things , whatever it looks like , so the news has just caught up with me and I 've been invited along ( as has the Sage , but he has another engagement ) . I don 't really approve of the way church appointments are made . The Bishop chooses the short list , which often comprises one candidate , then there 's an interview , but it 's very much a supervised affair , so the churchwardens and other interested people don 't really have a free hand . And , not seeing the applications , one isn 't given background knowledge and there might be reasons for putting someone forward for a post that don 't put the parish first . I 'm sure the Bishop tries very hard to put a round peg in a round hole , but more openness would be better , not least because plans could be made for mutual support before problems arise - which usually result in parishioners having found another church to attend or opted out altogether . Of course it can work the other way and a successful minister gives a feeling of spiritual and / or practical support and encouragement , which brings more people in . It 's not just a matter of bums on pews , but if someone comes along once in a while , they 're quite sniffy if there aren 't fresh flowers , a warm church and an equally warm welcome , with a tidy and well - mown churchyard to boot , even if they never give time or money towards providing or supporting them . Right now , we only have one service a month when we can be sure of having double figures in the congregation , and then there are often at least forty - but it 's a family do , very informal , we serve breakfast first and , although the people who come love it , they wouldn 't come every week because young families are busy on a Sunday . And most of the older people - except for a few who come with their grandchildren - don 't like it at all . I don 't mind , but I 'm easy - going , and If you 've lasted this far , Ben is getting on very well . His main fault is pulling hard on the lead , so I went and bought a Halti , which my mother found was marvellous with her dogs . And it did stop him pulling , but he hated it and spent a fair bit of time trying to get it off him . So later , just taking him for a quick trot round the village , I didn 't have the heart to put it on him and , instead , used Tilly 's extending lead , and that worked pretty well too . Whichever I find is best , I hope to have him a lot more controllable by the time he goes back home - Gill is going to be quite nervous of walking him for a while . He 's pretty well behaved otherwise and has an exceptionally sweet nature . I 'll walk him into the town in the morning to fetch the Sunday papers , unless the weather is awful . And here he is . Yes , the bit of mud on the carpet is from his paw . It 'll be for a couple of months and yes , before you say anything , we may end up with him . I know that Gill finds him far too much , but they got him for Andy so it 'll be up to him . So for now , we 're looking after him and will do so for as long as needed . He looks very like Chester actually . A bit heavier - built and not quite so red - Chester was an Irish setter / bearded collie cross and was more orange than copper - coloured . I 'm making it clear that I 'm pack leader and he 's really being very good ( although he just peed on the rug , not having asked to go out ) . He 'll need a fair bit of exercise , I can see that I 'm going to get fit whether I want to or not . Sometimes , it seems as if someone 's luck has simply run out . You remember my friend who , while on holiday a couple of years ago , became terribly ill and finally came home by air ambulance ? The hospital in Madeira treated him with antibiotics which nearly killed him and he was finally diagnosed with vasculitis , had to give up work ( and so did his wife , to look after him ) and he is permanently disabled , although he 's come on very well since his diagnosis . We went to his 60th birthday party last Saturday - they moved from a large house to a smaller bungalow just round the corner from us . And I 've just heard that he has had a fall and broken his ankle . This is pretty serious of course because he now has terribly poor circulation . In addition , he mustn 't put weight on it but he hasn 't the strength in his arms to bear his weight on crutches . Even worse , his wife has hurt her own ankle while walking their dog , a young and boisterous golden retriever . I 've phoned and left a message - she 's probably at the hospital . I 've offered to walk the dog for as long as necessary . I don 't mean one long walk , obv , but to take dog walking off their hands . Or feet . Oh dear . Poor loves . It 's terribly worrying . Update - have spoken to friend near Canterbury . She has also had a fall , hurt her knee , which joint she had replaced a couple of years ago and landed smack on her face , which is a bit of a mess . I 've offered to go and fetch her , but she thinks she 'll be okay . I did go and look after Gus for the day . He was better , but not right - temperature down but pale with shadows under his eyes . Still , he was smiling and eating bread and Marmite when I arrived , so that was a big improvement on the day before . Weeza had a very busy day at work , so it was a good job she went in - she works for someone who owns a great deal of land , including let cottages , farms and a business , and her job is managing the estate lettings etc . and being his PA - as it would have been very tricky for anyone else who didn 't know the ropes . There was quite a hard air frost this morning and the Sage cleared the windscreen of ice , then I did , then I had to stop halfway down the drive and clear it again as it froze as I drove . It froze again in patches , but by sitting straight and tall I was able to look through a clear patch , and of course the de - mister sorted it out after a couple of miles . Tall is a relative term of course , as you 'll know if you 've met me . At least , with five grandchildren under 8 and Dora in the family ( Dora is teeny as well as adorable ) , I 'm no longer the shortest . By lunchtime , Gus had perked up enough to eat a good helping of cucumber and red pepper while the pasta was cooking , which I served with pesto stirred in and grated cheese on top . I know , darlings , the mark of the middle classes - indeed , I couldn 't find the grater ( turned out to be in the dishwasher ) and so I shaved the cheese with the potato peeler , which is even worse . Then he ate fromage frais and half a banana . Which went further down the same route , but indicated he 'd eaten a good lot overall , . Then we went for a walk . There 's a nice little wood near their house , which I hadn 't known about before . Gus walked quite a long way , but if I held his hand he would suddenly pretend to stumble in a " Vic , I 've fallen " way ( which will only mean anything to you if you watched Vic Reeves ' Big Night Out some 20 years ago . ) and want to be stood up again , which was not amusing for me for quite as long as it was for him . Eventually , I put him in his pushchair and in due course he fell asleep . Sadly , he didn 't stay asleep when I put him in his cot at home , but he was very good , only flagging for a bit at about 4 . 30 . I gave him bread and water , it seemed to do the trick . I 'd sung to him too , which he bore patiently . I can hold a tune , though listeners sometimes mistake the tune I 'm holding , but I 'm no singer . Nursery rhymes and music hall songs are mainly my repertoire , though I know quite a lot of tunes that I don 't remember more words of than the first line . Not only does it not interest me , but I can 't hit the high notes , so am useless as there are gaps . * Today , we both slept through the alarm and I was half awake when my phone rang at ten past nine . Better not keep that up or we 'll sleep our lives away . The Sage stayed in bed in fact , for another hour , though I got up and on with the day . Weeza sent a text to say that Gus has a temperature and is still asleep , so she 's had to take the day off work . He 's been under the weather but we hoped he was just teething . I 'm supposed to be in Norwich tomorrow , but if he 's still not well I 'll cancel and go and look after him instead . Spring must be arriving because I 've an urge to do some gardening . This is quite disconcerting . However , I might as well act on it . In the first place , we need to consider what to do with the bantams . They 've been completely free - range for the past couple of years and I 've loved having them run up to the door every time I go out , but I 'm afraid it 's going to have to change . They ruin the lawn : where I took out the old hedge , grass has never been able to grow because they scratch it up and they make holes in the lawn for their dust baths in the summer . And they lay away and we hardly have any eggs at all . So the Sage has gradually inveigled them into the big greenhouse and they 're living there , nearly all of them , at present . This can 't last much longer of course , they 'll be too hot as soon as the weather improves . So , what we 're talking about is maybe giving over half the kitchen garden to them . I can 't grow much , I haven 't time for it all . We 've got the bungalow garden to look after now , and there 's already more than we can do . But I don 't want to grow no vegetables at all , it 's what I enjoy growing most of all , being greedy and fond of fresh vegetables . So if we put some wire up , we can restrict them to some of the veg plot and they can roost in the greenhouse . I don 't need a 40 foot greenhouse at the moment , or at least I can do without the watering of it . I 'll still have the other greenhouse . That is , we 've two others , but one is derelict , I 'm afraid . We need to take a good look at it and see if we 're going to resurrect it or not . I used to have all of them full of plants and manage to find time for all the work too , but now it 's not time so much as energy and determination . I 've lost interest . And there 's no point anyway , what would I do with half a dozen cucumbers , a couple of pounds of beans and far too many peas and courgettes , every day ? The picking of them would be a burden , even if I give them away . I 'm no good at the thing of sowing a pinch of everything each week , growing a sensible amount that we can cope with . It doesn 't suit me . I do it on a bigger scale or not at all . You 've got to work with the kind of person you are , or can adapt yourself to be . In other news . . . I 've bought new telephones which have caller ID on them ( that is , they 'll be delivered within the next hour ) . And from now on , the rule will be only to pick up the phone if we know who 's on the other end , or at least if there 's a number showing . If someone is ex - directory , they 'll have to leave a message and we 'll phone them back . There are so many cold calls , the Telephone Preference Service doesn 't work any longer and I 'm heartily fed up with it . They always come at the most inconvenient times , and however terse one is in saying no thanks , it 's a nuisance . Mind you , the Sage will find it hard to resist . He loves the telephone . In other other news , it 's car insurance renewal time again . Oh damn . The quote I 've got from the company I use ( LV ) doesn 't look bad , let 's hope it turns out to be the best and I can simply renew . All the trawling through different companies and price comparisons is so tedious , if necessary . Posted by A couple of you have asked for the courgette recipe - it 's very easy to do and I normally have all the ingredients - that is , if I use canned chickpeas and a jar of pesto . I know , darlings , convenience food at every turn . 1 large onion Slice the onion into thin rings , cook gently in a tablespoonful of olive oil for about five minutes , then turn the heat up a bit and allow it to colour a little - about another 5 minutes . Meanwhile , crush the garlic , dice the aubergine into 1 inch cubes and thinly slice the courgettes . Add the rest of the oil and the prepared vegetables to the onion , cook , stirring , for five minutes , add the stock , cover and simmer for about 15 minutes . Drain and rinse the chick peas , add to the pan , stir in the cream and pesto and add , with seasoning . Cook for a few more minutes to heat through . Elle sent me a text soon after 8 o ' clock to say they 'd arrived in Berlin . We parted with warm hugs and promises to visit each other . It 's very quiet here tonight , but luckily I 've got quite a lot on this week - not much of it work - related - so I 'll keep busy and not be lonely . Elle asked me to cook a proper English roast last night , so I did roast pork , because of the crackling . Because it 's one of those things that they tend not to do abroad ( actually , I don 't know if they do crackling in Germany ) and it 's marvellous . I 'd have done roast beef otherwise , but a good rib of beef for just six isn 't easy unless you all like it cooked the same , more or less , and I like rare and the Sage likes overcooked , so we 're stuck already . Elle 's mother , Vee , is mostly vegetarian so I did a substantial veggie side dish , courgettes and aubergines with chick peas , cream and pesto ( if you came to the party last year you may have eaten it , it 's one of my favourites ) as well as roast potatoes and spinach , in case she 'd prefer to avoid the pork , but in fact she did politely eat a small helping . Then I made Queen of Puddings because it 's such a very English pud and you hardly ever come across it in restaurants . And I served English , French and German cheeses . Vee remarked that she 'd never eaten biscuits with cheese before . I did consider the matter , but resolutely served cheese biscuits and served it after the pudding , not before . Englishness was the point of the meal ( I know the courgette dish wasn 't very English , but the other point of being English is that we take good things from anywhere ) . Elle also wanted a proper English breakfast , so we had bacon , eggs , sausages , mushrooms and tomatoes followed by toast with local honey and home - made marmalade . Tonight , we are having fish and chips , from the chippy . And tomorrow , they intend to head for the local cafe in search of brunch . I 've got to play the clarinet in church tomorrow , so i can 't go with them , but I 'll be back before it 's time for them to head for Luton . A couple of bloggers are using the trick of remarking on five things that have happened that day - the idea came from Oprah Winfrey , apparently . And since I have little time and less inspiration , that 's what I 'll do today . 1 There was a thrush singing in the pine tree by Kenny 's shed this afternoon . It had spring and nesting and suchlike in its mind , I could tell . 3 I went to get milk from the farm . Jonny 's Girls were being milked and , a few at a time , strolled relaxedly out afterwards , chewing the cud . It has to be * the * cud , doesn 't it ? You just can 't say " the cow was chewing her cud , " it sounds weird . 4 The Head 's PA always makes me a cup of tea and tries to catch me out with the variety . Today , she succeeded - it was Earl Grey with orange blossom . Very pleasant . Year 7 have been doing Indian music this half term , which I have enjoyed very much . Composition is not my forte , though I can advise young children on the principles , but the raga and the tala , at a fairly basic level ( we 're talking 11 - year - olds ) , are within my capabilities . They 're a nice age group too , interested and not afraid to have a go - in a year or two , some of them will be too concerned about making a mistake and feeling silly , something I can sympathise with because I felt like that too , when I was young . Elle is packing an overnight bag and in half an hour I 'll drive her to the station to catch a train to London . She 'll meet her mother , who 's been working in Paris so is coming over by Eurostar , and then they 'll meet up with her father and sister , who are flying over . Tomorrow , they 'll all come back here where they will stay for a couple of nights . And on Sunday , she 'll leave us for good . And the Sage and I will finally , after all these years , be empty - nesters . Posted by When the Sage and I were eating our lunch on Sunday , two elderly ladies came and sat down at the next table . They were obviously good friends who hadn 't seen each other for a while and were catching up on news , and then the younger ( or at least less doddery ) one said that her son and his family had given her an iPad for Christmas . They talked about it for some time , the friend being very impressed that she had learned to use email and she had a lot of questions . " It 's such fun ! " the lucky iPad owner told her . " And it 's easier to use than you 'd think . I can 't quite remember my email address yet , but lots of people write to me and I 've learned to reply to them . " " How much did it cost ? " " About £ 400 , I think . " " That 's a lot of money . " " Yes , it is - well , it 's a lot to me . I was so excited when I opened it on Christmas Day . I couldn 't believe my luck ! " Family friendships that continue down the generations are especially lovely , I think . I 've mentioned one or two before , such as Pam and Peter , whom I went to Corfu with last year . And the other day , we had a phone call from Fenella , whose grandparents were great friends with the Sage 's parents and whose dad is Ro 's godfather ( or dogdaddy , as he used to say as a very little boy ) . She was going to be in the area for a hen weekend and wondered if we might be free on the Sunday evening ? We said we 'd pick her up and take her out for supper . Well . Best laid plans . . . would have been better if we 'd done a bit more checking . We picked her up from the wilderness beyond Diss and set off to find a pub . An hour later - honestly , there were no pubs to be seen in miles ! - we finally found one . And it was closed . Finally , we aimed for Diss itself , where all of one pub was open and it didn 't serve food . The Chinese takeaway was open ! - and it had a restaurant ! ! - and it was fully booked ¡¡¡ for the Chinese New Year ! ¡!¡ but the very nice waitress relented and said that we could have a table if we could please eat up and leave within half an hour . Which we did , and many thanks to them for a very good meal , exceptionally quickly served . And Happy Year of the Snake . I have also seized control of life by phoning an agency and arranging for two cleaners to come and spend an afternoon here tomorrow . They don 't know what 's going to hit ' em - this is a beast of a house to keep clean , and I 've not been equal to the effort for the last few weeks . Once it 's done , I should be able to keep it going for months again . I 've come to the conclusion that this probably suits me better than having someone in to do a bit every week . The party seems to have been a success . Half a dozen girls and one boy ( the boyfriend of one of them ) stayed until noon to clean the bungalow thoroughly , which seems a bit depressingly gender - clichéd - I should say , a number stayed over , don 't know how many . I went out to sidesman at the early service , then into town to pick up the paper and , coming back down the drive , one lad was just setting off on foot . I picked him up , turned the car round and drove him into town . A completely unsuitable denim jacket , he 'd have been freezing . My long hours of sleep have come to their natural conclusion and I slept for less than an hour and a half last night , disappointingly . Baz the Rev was telling an anecdote about a recent visit to London , where he was quite disconcerted to be offered a seat by a young man on the Tube . I laughed hollowly and said I 'd had the same thing happen myself and been grateful to accept it ( I 'm some years younger than Baz ) - and I know I told you the most recent times because it was when I had a bad hip ( though it was usually on the bus , because I couldn 't manage all the walking required on Tube journeys ) - but I can 't remember whether or not I 've ever told you about the first time it happened . And if I can 't , odds are you can 't either . I had taken Ro to London for a day out - he was quite a little boy , four or so . It might have been before he started school , that being the reason El and Al weren 't with us . We 'd had a splendid day , though I can 't remember what we 'd done - probably his first visit to the Natural History Museum . We had walked a long way and we were both ready to flop . And we got onto the train and there was just one seat . I looked at him . " You sit down , " I told him , " You 're more tired than I am . " So he did , and a young man was sitting opposite him , wearing one of those massive rucksacks that goes right up behind your head , and I know that if I tried one of them I 'd flounder under it and lie on my back like a stranded ladybird . But he leapt up and offered me his seat . I was embarrassed , said it was quite all right , but he was insistent , so I sat down . Then , of course , I had to tell Ro to get up and give him his seat . Then I invited Ro to come and sit on my lap . It was the most farcical comedy of good manners you could imagine , heaven knows what the rest of the carriage thought about it . Posted by Well , now I see what happens when I take advice to rest , I 'll probably never do it again . Once I started sleeping , I couldn 't stop . I spent the whole of yesterday in bed , most of it asleep . The house needs a good clean and I can 't face the thought of it , I 'm going to phone an agency on Monday and hope to book a cleaner to sort it out . Of course , it 'll still be a fair bit of work for me , because some tidying is required too ( the Sage doesn 't do tidying , untidying is his speciality ) but it 'll be no end of a help . Elle and her friend Em are having their party in the bungalow tonight . I 've no idea how many are going to turn up , but it could be a fair foo , as we say in Norfolk . I 've hauled myself up to the attic to adjust the heating ( the idiot who thought the place to put the boiler was the wrong side of a loft ladder is cursed regularly ) and provided loo rolls , teabags , paper plates and disposable cups and I took them to the Co - op to do some shopping , though I didn 't quite feel up to going in with them . I 'll toddle through in a few minutes and ask if there 's anything else I can do . Oh , I weighed myself this morning . I 've lost - well , I 've lost about four pounds since the last time I weighed myself , which was on 1st January , but when one takes into account the amount of January chocolate that was eaten , it 's probably nearer half a stone in the last few days . Actually , I weigh exactly what I want to weigh . That is , about half a stone more than I was comfortable with back in my youth , but I 've reached the age when being too thin goes to the face . Also , one needs resilience - just think , if I 'd been an 8 - stone weakling at the start of this , I 'd hardly be able to stand up now . Posted by I grew up before the days of routine snacks and treats . We had three square meals a day and that was reckoned to be quite enough , although there was always fruit and , if hungry , we would be welcome to have some cheese or something similar . My mother discouraged sweets and chocolate and a packet of crisps was a rare pleasure ( Smith 's Crisps , with the salt in a twist of blue paper , of course ) . Once , however , I caught a bad dose of ' flu . Actually , it started when I was sick . Crossing the hall , I suddenly threw up onto the parquet floor . And , rough though I felt - ooh , this blog is going to be a confessional again , I 've never told anyone this - I was so polite - so polite - that I cleared it up before going to tell my mother , and I didn 't mention that I 'd been taken by surprise and let her assume I 'd made it to the lavatory . I was probably about 12 at the time . I was not afraid of her , she was the soul of loving kindness to me , it was embarrassment at having made an unpleasant mess and a reluctance for someone else to have to clear it up . Anyway , I was duly tucked up in bed and later , trying to tempt my appetite , my mother brought a trayful of little bowls of snacks . A few grapes , some crisps , sweets , nuts , all sorts of things . And I have the clearest memory of gazing at them all , treats beyond all my dreams , and not being able to eat any of them . I was ill for several days , almost delirious that first night , but eventually started eating again of course . And the frustrating thing was that it didn 't occur to her to produce the goodies again , when I 'd have been able to enjoy them . And , of course , I was far too polite to ask . A good twelve hours in bed wasn 't quite enough to put me right , but the short nap I took after taking Elle to school was . I didn 't go to the lecture , which I 'm really disappointed to have missed , but I seem to be fine except for an inability to eat meals . Chocolate biscuits and cake - and a green salad for supper - seem to go down all right . Oh , and I 've lost the taste for alcohol . I trust that is temporary . Elle brought home her report yesterday and a paper for me to sign confirming she is leaving the school . Each of her teachers had to sign it too and all of them said they 'd refuse to do so if it meant that she 'd stay . I think it 's fair to say that she 's popular . She 's done wonderfully well , moving to a foreign country and staying with a succession of strangers , most regularly with a couple old enough to be her grandparents - well , in the Sage 's case , great - grandparent - and taking several subjects and being successful in them . She 's coming back in the summer to take the second part of her Psychology AS Level , in fact . And she may well come back again in July to go with her friends to go to the Latitude festival . I suspect this will depend on whether her parents stump up the money for a ticket . . . As for me , she assures me that her whole family loves me , whether they 've met me or not . That is , I 've only met her dad as yet , though her mum and sister will be coming to stay at the end of next week . The tickets for the Aldeburgh concerts have arrived , which is very cheering . I haven 't been for a while , maybe three or four years , and I never used to miss going there . I didn 't always go to the Festival , though , because June is a busy month - it will be again , but no matter . Concerts at the Proms in August were easier to be sure I 'd be able to go to . For some years , it was very difficult to go away on holiday at all , and I treated Snape concerts as my summer holiday and went to as many as possible . Well , that was embarrassing . I 've been going into lessons at school this week , and today was a Food Tech lesson - it 's not that I 'm linked to that department but that I 've been looking at Teaching Assistants . I 'd not met the teacher before , though I knew her by sight , and she was very charming and friendly and showed me one girl 's portfolio of written work , which took about ten minutes , and then offered to take me into the kitchen to see the cooking being done . I said I 'd love to , but I was afraid I needed to sit down for a few minutes first because I felt a bit faint ( though there was no ' bit ' about it , I had about 15 seconds before I 'd have keeled over . I 've got a chest infection and have been exceptionally busy , and this morning I had been up and down several staircases and been outside without a coat on , and then I went into a warm room and was almost undone . I had to sit there , head on table , for quite some time . The teacher wanted to call for help for me , but it wasn 't necessary - anyway , eventually I felt well enough to go into the other room and soon after I recovered and was able to do the nosy governor bit . However , I am going to bed early and staying there for twelve hours . Approx . I 've got a busy couple of days ahead again and there 's nothing I can easily miss . Well , there is one thing I can miss , a Nadfas lecture in the morning , but I don 't want to . I had a post planned for this evening , but plans have changed since reading about our dear friend Pat 's loss . Pat is my oldest ( in terms of long standing ) blog friend : she left the first ever comment here , nearly seven years ago . Many of us have read her wonderful account of her and MTL 's love story and know how they have appreciated every minute of their years together . Posted by Wink and I went over to have lunch with Weeza and Gus today . The Sage was invited to come , but got cold feet at the thought of all that togetherness and asked to be dropped off in Norwich instead , coming home on the bus during the afternoon . I 'm not going to fuss about the Hon Sec situation . The AGM is at the end of March , but the next meeting is in October and , if the worst happens and I don 't have anyone to take over from me this spring ( I think someone will come along ) then there 's another chance in the autumn . Not fussing is best . Having said that , I had a bit of a heart to heart with Wink this evening that made me cry - again . I 'm afraid the waterworks have been turned on all too much of late . In this instance , it was age - related . . . I 'm approaching the age at which my father died . If I live to the 25th March ( disregarding Leap Years , I haven 't done the math , as they say ) I 'll have outlived my father . This gives me no feeling of satisfaction , rather the opposite . Wink said the same : that she was very aware of her age at that time . We both adored him and he died far too young . I 'm so grateful that she was able to share my feelings and wish she 'd been able to say the same a few years ago , though I don 't know if I 'd have quite understood . Maybe some of you do . Gus , in the last week , has gone from walking if you held his hand , and crawling for the sake of speed otherwise , to choosing to walk and being thrilled by the ability , in the week since I saw him last . He 's such a cheerful little boy , great fun . His big sister is the same - very happy to have won one of the weekly class awards , the one for being kind and friendly and generally helpful ( Angel ) , for the third time . She 's won the one for hard work and progress ( Diamond ) once , there 's the biggest award ( can 't remember what it 's called ) that she hasn 't won yet but , her birthday being at the end of August , she 's the youngest in the school and it 's marvellous that she 's getting on so well and is happy . Weeza and Phil 's car was in the garage for a service today and they 'd explained they had an appointment at 4 . 30 so it was vital the car was returned by 4 at latest . 5 . 15 it was returned , what a good job that I was there so they could use my car . I have Weeza as a named driver , but she 'd have been 3rd party insured anyway . Not that the garage knew that . Pfft . Posted by Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
After having written my not so cheerful post this morning , I sat down at the dining table and had a good think about the last few weeks and what my attitude had been and how I had been managing in my life and I came to the conclusion that , especially during the past two weeks , I had not been doing all that well . I was not managing my household well , I was feeling stress about things that I should not feel stress about , I felt tired in my head from thinking about things and wanted to shut it off , the least little thing upset the structure of my day and caused me to become dysfunctional , everything seemed overwhelming and like too much effort and intimidating and too large in size for me to handle , I wanted to take a pill that would make me stop feeling all the painful and stressful parts and leave me not so vulnerable and I had a hard time talking to my SPN . Being very familiar with my moods and the times of the year when they happen and knowing a depression when I see one , I could only conclude that I was having one now and the realization that this was so , was almost a relief to me , because it explained so much of what was going on in my life right now . I called my SPN and explained the situation as I understood it to her and we both came to the same conclusion , which was another relief , because there is nothing worse than thinking that you have the answer and have someone else deny you it . We put our heads together to think about what we should do and decided that I should go back onto the Temazepam during the day to take the edge off . It will take away the feelings of stress and chaos and make me relax more and not be so sensitive to what I perceive as painful or difficult things around me . So I just went to the pharmacy to pick up the capsules and I have taken one and should start feeling the effects pretty soon and it will be a load of my mind , I can tell you that . I know my depressions are temporary states of mind , but that doesn 't help me completely when I 'm in the middle of one . I know there 's an end to it and Posted by Here I sit behind the computer not at all being the industrious and hard working woman whom I thought I was going to be today . All around me lies the evidence of my non commitment to the cleanliness of the apartment and I just don 't seem to give a darn and sit here instead and feel like doing nothing but writing my thoughts down . I am so totally uninterested if anything gets done right now . Maybe if you came around with 500 Euros in cold hard cash I would get motivated , but that is about it for me . The day started out okay , except that I 'm still not used to the hour 's time difference and I have a hard time waking up in the morning . I need two big mugs of coffee before I 'm functional and I sit on the sofa bleary eyed and broken , while the Überhund takes advantage of the situation and positions himself between my legs so he can be petted and embraced and kissed really well . That 's about all I 'm capable of for the first 40 minutes or so . Then I pretend to be awake and sort of get the show on the road in a haphazard way while trying not to forget anything . It 's a crime getting dressed in the morning and trying to remember the order in which I put my clothes on so that it makes sense and I am not wearing my boots before I 've put on my second pair of leggings and my bra before I 've put on my T - shirt . Then it 's the hair and the make up , which I either do halfheartedly or very persnickety , depending on how much time I 've got and how much motivation . It was a halfhearted job this morning . I rubbed wax in my hair until it looked sufficiently like bedroom hair and sprayed extra strength hairspray on it . The Überhund sneezed a few times and then I was ready to take him out . The cold morning air does wake me up some , but not enough this morning . I let the Überhund drag me from lamp post to lamp post and stood at the ready with my baggies . I was very happy to be home again where I had time for another mug of coffee before I had to leave to go see my SPN . I pedaled downtown and avoided most of the morning traffic by leaving just Posted by For several days now , I have been thinking about changing the name of the blog , but I had not come up with a good one yet until today and then I looked at my list of randomly generated titles and saw the word gossamer and I liked it so much , that I knew I had to use it and had to either find an image of some extremely delicate lace or of a spiderweb . The spiderweb turned out to be the easiest one to find and I found one in the right colors too , so voilá . I hope it doesn 't confuse you and that you get used to it soon enough . I 'm having a bit of a hard time getting used to the summer time that we 're on now since this weekend . I find that I really do run one hour behind schedule at the end of the day . Of course , I don 't look at the clock that much , but trust the daylight that I see and that throws me for a loop . I mustn 't do that , because I 'll never get used to it being an hour later . I had no problem waking up this morning . I was early , as a matter of fact . No doubt worried about sleeping too late , even though I had set the alarm clock . I took a full hour to drink my coffee and smoke my cigarettes and I even got in some computer time . Then it was off in a rush to get ready and do all the things I need to do in the morning and I always hope I don 't forget something crucial , like pull on my skirt or something . I got to creative therapy well on time and sat and had an espresso in the stinking smoking room with all the other smokers . Some people are leaving after several years of therapy and are a little downcast , but I don 't blame them , because they don 't know what to do next . They have been disqualified for work and have no place to go . I finished a sculpture today . It is of a reclining woman , abstract , but recognizable , with breasts and a vulva . The therapist put it somewhere safe to dry , because it is fragile , but I said it was really because it is pornographic . I 've picked out which sculpture I 'm going to do next and I can 't wait to get started on it . It is purely abstract and chunky and solid looking . I did the grocePosted by I 've gone and written a really good 6S that I am very happy with and I think I have gained a lot of confidence in my writing skills as a result . Sometimes that just happens , you sit down and start to type and the story comes rolling out as if it was already written and finished in your head and just needed to be put down in print . I 'm very proud of myself . You can read it here . That 's not at all how I wanted to start this post . With such exuberance . Silly me . You 'd think I won a large amount of money in the lottery or something , while all I did was write a story . I had my camera handy today and took pictures of the animals while they were in the mood to pose for me . The Überhund was the easiest one to get a good shot of and Nouri was the hardest . She kept darting off in all directions . Droopy Jesker . Surprised Gandhi . Curious Nouri . Pouncing Toby . My herd of animals . I have a map where I keep these pictures and I named it " The Animals . " You can 't get much clearer than that . Because of that hour difference now , it is already evening and I 'm not nearly ready for it to be . I still have to walk the Überhund and put out the trash and it is still light outside . How odd . I am completely discombobulated . I have to go talk to someone about this . I just can 't have this . I am going to end this extremely short post and take care of things , because I feel like I 'm running out of time . At least you got to see the pictures of the animals . Oh yes , let me add some very artistic photographs that the Exfactor took last month . I will show them to you because this is such a short post . Ciao . . . The day is drawing to an end . I 'm already in my pajamas and my bathrobe and I 've been drinking decaf for some hours now , so I 'm suitable decaffeinated . I just ate a big bowl of hot oatmeal and it was so good , it warmed my stomach and all my extremities . I feel like I 've had the ultimate comfort food . I had forgotten that I had oatmeal in the cupboard and ran across it yesterday when I was looking for something soothing to eat . What a lucky find . I 've called up about my package and have now been told that it will be here on Tuesday . No explanation really on why it was taking so long and I 'll believe it when I see it . I just helped vote this company into the best on line store of the Netherlands and now they are letting me down . They 've grown to big for their britches . Isn 't that always the way it goes ? I am being distracted by the television which for a change I have not turned off . There is a silly program on and I don 't recommend typing a post and listening to a silly television program at the same time . No matter how hard you concentrate , you do get distracted . There , I 've turned the television off , because I don 't need that kind of interference . I never do understand people who can blog and listen to music at the same time . I need complete silence when I try to write things down . I do like the sound of the clickety click of the keys on the keyboard . It makes me sound industrious . It was cold today . There wasn 't that much rain , but the wind whipped icy cold around you when you went outside . I want to take the Überhund for longer walks , but it 's not the weather for it and he also chooses the short route . I can 't wait for nice quiet weather that allows you to walk without a scarf bundled around your neck and wishing for a thicker jacket . The wind is always the culprit in the weather , because it makes the temperatures feel colder than they actually are and it seems that the wind is always blowing here . It 's always an important element of the weather . I 've lived in the Netherlands for 15 years now and you 'd think I 'd bePosted by Well , the weeds in the pot with the jasmine are growing really well , but it is with some degree of optimism that I convince myself that the jasmine is growing as well , though I do think that I see some new growth . It is getting watered very well anyway and not because I go out there with the watering can , but because it is raining again and the soil is soaked all the way through and draining very nicely through the hole in the bottom of the pot . I will be disappointed if it doesn 't grow , because it was with some effort that I dug it out of the flowerbed out back , but I can easily walk to the nursery around the corner and buy a new plant and put it in instead if all else fails . It 's just a matter of pride that it should grow and sprout very many green buds . I am waiting to see new growth on my three alder berry trees . Nothing is happening there yet , they are as bare as three totem poles , but I know that before long they will sprout new branches and new leaves and have a big growth spurt , because they do this ever year . The first year I thought they had died , but now I know better . And then there is that mysterious bush that grew up in the jasmine in the flowerbed . It is almost as tall as I am and I have no idea what it is , but for now I 'm leaving it there and maybe this summer I 'll figure out what it is by the shape of it 's leaves . Maybe it isn 't a bush but a tree , because it sure grew quickly . I really appreciate these gifts of nature and am loath to take them out of the flowerbed . I assume the are meant to be there and that they are a present to me . I did have flowers in the flowerbed once , but I took them out when I realized that I didn 't enjoy gardening anymore and that I didn 't like the fussiness of taking care of plants . I did in another life , but now I like bushes and trees , so I am happy with what is growing out back . The Golden Rain will be beautiful again this spring , as it always is . Before you know it , it is covered in yellow blossoms that are as magnificent as anything I 've ever seen . There are two bushesPosted by The title is an out and out lie , because I didn 't have a barrel of fun at all today . It was way to ordinary for that . No wait , it wasn 't even an ordinary day . What am I saying ? It was a screwed up sort of day , so I should have titled it , a barrel of screws . I woke up way too late this morning . It was nearly ten o ' clock when I got up . I couldn 't believe my eyes . That meant I was going to miss creative therapy , because I need at least an hour and a half to get ready before I can leave the house in any sort of well put together way , because I don 't only have to take care of myself , but of the animals as well and the Überhund does take his time with all of his rituals in the morning . As do I . I decided not to rush around like an idiot and to skip creative therapy , even though that meant foregoing that fun work with the clay . Once I made that decision , though , I relaxed and drank many cups of coffee and woke up at my own speed while I checked my emails and wrote comments on blogs . It was a little bit like taking a mental health day from school , although I like my therapy classes much better than I ever liked going to school . I was expecting a package from a mail order company and had to stick close to the apartment between noon and six , but after a while , when nobody showed up , I checked the website to see the state of affairs of my package and saw that it had not been sent yet . So I called the company and was told that it would maybe get here tomorrow morning . No guarantees , which is odd , because they have next day delivery and it has already been paid for . Frustrations abound . Things like this throw me for a loop , because I could have gone to Specsavers and had my glasses done , but now I 'll have to see if I can go tomorrow afternoon . I usually don 't like it when things go differently than I had planned and I had already screwed them up myself by not going to creative therapy . That was purely my own fault , though . I should have set the alarm clock . The Exfactor did come by early in the afternoon and stayed for about an hPosted by It 's rained nonstop all afternoon . The Überhund and I finally just had to go out in it and not wait any longer , because he did have to go , so there we went , I not in proper rain gear and he huddling close to the houses in effort to try and stay dry . He piddled against everybody 's walls . Nobody saw him do it . He did finally have to go out on the field and do a poop and he was quite miserable out there in the rain . We walked as quickly as we could in order to get home faster . He was as relieved as I was when we got to the front door . Now he is sound asleep on his blanket again , which is his normal state of being . Then a huge weariness fell over me and I cuddled up on the sofa and slept for two hours and I tell you , I felt like a reborn human being when I woke up , because before I was just starting to slide down a slippery slope a bit , feeling a little sorry for myself and being ever so slightly moody , but that nap restored me completely , so that 's all it took . The alarm clock woke me up , because it was time for my 6 o ' clock medication , otherwise I might still have been asleep . Thank goodness I remembered to go to sleep and to not stubbornly hang on and make things difficult for myself , for I easily could have mistaken it for a rapid cycle and be very far away from home in a pit of despair that I couldn 't see my way out off , which is what happened regularly in the past and brought me all sorts of troubles . Of course , there is no one here to argue my irrational point of view with and I only have myself to consult and that does simplify things . No one gets in the way of the actions that I need to undertake to make conditions better for myself and I don 't owe anyone an apology when I do and no drama is made of it . It 's all very simple . I feel bad and go to sleep and wake up and feel better . No arguments , no explanations , no dramas , no aftermath , no discussions . And I don 't feel crazy . I have just taken the Überhund out again and it was windy and cold and wet . Shivering kind of weather that makes you long for a fireplace . Posted by My sister called me this afternoon and asked me why I sounded all plugged up and I said that I was either getting a cold or it was my allergies , and she asked me if I had any antihistamines and I remembered that I did and she said for me to take them , because then I would know soon enough if I was dealing with allergies , so I did and after some time my headache got better and I was less congested , so it is allergies . Smart sister , right ? Why didn 't I think of that ? Luckily , these aren 't the kind of antihistamines that make you drowsy , so I didn 't feel the need to take a nap . All I had to do was wait for the weather to improve , so that I could walk the Überhund and run my errands . Every once in a while the rain stopped and I could go out . First I had to go to the grocery store to buy those aubergine trash bags and a package of heavy tobacco , with which I made the cigarettes that I 'm smoking now and they taste good and not at all chokingly suffocating like I thought they might . They are actually very pleasant to smoke . So I think I will be buying that tobacco from now on . You 're all going , " Oh no , not only is she not going to quit , she is even going to smoke heavier cigarettes . " Well , I am a connoisseur . Then I had to wait for the next dry spell and go to the pharmacy to pick up some medication and that was done quickly enough by riding through some big puddles and trying to hit all the green lights , but that didn 't work out , so I ran one red one . Luckily , there was no policeman around , because you get a 60 Euro ticket for that one , so it 's advisable not to do it . When I got home , I piled all the dirty dishes in the sink , squirted detergent on them and ran hot water in the sink until it was full and then went off to do something else . By the time I got back , the hot water had disappeared and the dishes are still sitting there waiting for me to do them . Tomorrow is another day . I went around the kitchen and the living room and picked up big balls of dog hair , because the Überhund is shedding again like crazy . I moved fPosted by Across the Meusse . I 'm supposed to have a migraine and that 's why I am not at ergo therapy this morning . The truth is that I only have a little bit of a headache and I very easily could have gone , but I didn 't feel like riding my bike through the cold and rain , which was bad enough when I had to take the dog for a walk this morning . So , I 'm taking the morning off with an excuse . It is truly miserable outside and I want to be here in my warm and cozy apartment in my warm clothes with the heater turned on . The rain is dripping down the windows and obscuring my view of the street . All the cats are very wisely inside and the Überhund is curled up on his blanket , although he hasn 't had his breakfast yet . I 'm waiting for him to let me know when he is hungry . I very wisely did my grocery shopping yesterday afternoon , just after it hailed for a few minutes and before it started to rain again . I hope I have bought enough groceries to last me for most of the week , because my bike was truly loaded and I only half dared to ride it . I walked it part of the way , because I had a very heavy shopping bag hanging from my handlebar . I had visions of the handlebar becoming undone and the bike becoming unmanageable and me laying flat on my face in the street . Luckily , none of that happened and it would have been a sort of slapstick , but also dangerous . I bought tins of mackerel and sardines and mussels in a piquant sauce and I had those last night and they were very good . For someone who is always very suspicious of mollusks , I did a good job eating those . I tried not to think about their origins too much . I also bought a lot of soup and extra vermicelli and plan to make a one liter pan full every day . I did that yesterday and managed to get three large bowls of soup out of it . I bought cream crackers and rusk toast and healthy margarine too . Now I have to make sure I don 't eat too much of these items , so I have to balance everything nicely . Today I 'm going to have mushroom soup and cream crackers . I wasted a lot of time behind the computPosted by It 's Tuesday , so it must be apartment cleaning day . Let me think about that and see how much of it I actually want to do . Is the Queen coming over for a cup of tea ? Nope ! Well that makes everything a lot easier . That means I only have to do superficial cleaning , or cleaning the French way , as we call it here . See , my French ancestor 's genes do show up in me at times like these when I need them . Jacques La Maitre was his name . Of course , he was a man and what did he know about house cleaning anyway ? My great great grandmother was called Hendrika La Maitre and that 's when the name ended in my branch of the family . I never knew her , though I did know her daughter , my great grandmother , very well . She wore black dresses with a little floral print and little round glasses and her gray hair in a bun . She loved to eat candy and always had a secret stash , which we would try to discover every time we were at her house and beg for . She died when I was seven years old , but I remember her so well , it is as if I knew her my whole life . That 's how much of an impression she made on me . My great grandfather had a head full of white hair and sat in a chair next to his aquarium and his spittoon . He had goldfish in his aquarium and real plants and he used to go to the countryside and catch real waterbugs to feed to his fish . He didn 't say much and I never knew him very well , but he was a kind man and wouldn 't have hurt a fly . He was a baker and kept the whole street alive during the winter of ' 44 - ' 45 , by baking bread that was made from supplies stolen from the Germans . It 's a long heroic story that I 'll tell you some other time . Anyway , it all started with cleaning the apartment , which I do have to do some of , apart from the grocery shopping , and I 'm almost getting used to drinking black coffee . The emphasis is on almost , because I know I will be very happy when I have milk in the refrigerator again . I am getting used to not eating porridge , because I ran out of that 2 days ago and I missed it very much at first , but now I think I 'm so mPosted by I still haven 't made it to the grocery store . I was supposed to have gone this afternoon , but the weather has changed suddenly and now it is cold and rainy and I don 't feel like going out on my bike . The only sacrifice I have to make is that I have to drink my coffee black and I think I can manage that until tomorrow morning when hopefully the weather will have cleared up a bit . For as beautiful as it has been the last few days , it has certainly turned ugly now . You 'd think it wasn 't springtime after all and that we are going backwards toward winter again , but that is March for you . It 's an unpredictable month , but even April is still , so we aren 't out of the woods yet . I woke up a 7 AM this morning , without the aid of the alarm clock , but I took a full hour to sit and wake up . I just felt like taking my time and having several coffees very leisurely without any rush at all . This meant I was going to be potentially late for creative therapy , but I thought I would take the chance . At 8 AM I took my medicines , got dressed and made up , walked the dog , made some cigarettes and hopped on my bike and got to therapy two minutes late , so that wasn 't bad at all . I immediately started to work on my abstract sculpture , which was just about done , except for the finishing touches . I had to add some clay here and there and get the whole thing smoothed out and stable , which the therapist helped me with . She 's got a better eye for those things than I do and can point out imperfections that I didn 't see . At one point it was just finished and I didn 't know what else I could do with it , so I declared it done and now it sits on the shelf to dry before it goes into the oven . It 's not perfect , but it 's good and I have to be satisfied with it . I got it as close to the image that I had of it as I could , although it is not exactly the same , but that doesn 't matter . I had to improvise the back of it , after all . Then I got a new bag of clay and started on a new sculpture , which I have an image for also , but I think I am going to make a lot of chPosted by Well , I ended up not going to the store . I just wasn 't in the proper mood for it and felt like doing other things , so I looked at my supply of milk and decided that I would have to make it last for the weekend . Instead , I washed the covers of the cushions of the sofa and they came out nice and clean and I 've already put them back on the sofa too . It was fairly easy to do and not at all the pain in the neck that I thought it would be , so now I am going to do it more often . There 's nothing like stainless cushion covers on your sofa . I had washed the covers on the red and white striped chair already and next are the covers on the black and white chair . That will be next weekend , or maybe tomorrow , I 'll see . I 've done odd little jobs around the apartment this afternoon and I took a nap also . This was after I discovered that a small tin of mackerel is too much to eat for me , so I can strike that off my grocery list . In order to recover properly from the after effects of the overdose of mackerel , I had a glass of cold chocolate milk to make me feel better . I do like that very much and I think that despite the diet , this is one item that I will keep buying . It is such a treat and I do make it last long . I usually have a glass before I go to sleep at night , but sometimes don 't get around to drinking it , so it still is there in the morning when I wake up , and I drink it all up then and it is such a treat to start the day with . How very decadent of me ! I took all of the plants out of their pots and gave them a good soaking in the kitchen sink . They perked up before my very eyes . One plant I bought was not doing very well . It was loosing all of its leaves every time I touched it , yet growing new leaves where it was loosing the old ones . I have moved it now to the kitchen windowsill and hope that more light will encourage it to do better . Maybe its the kind of plant that ought to come with an instruction booklet and not the kind I should own . I 'll see how it does in its new spot among the jars of vitamins . I just took the ÜberhPosted by Being my usual lazy self on Saturday mornings , I still sit here in my bathrobe with my coffee and cigarettes and the Überhund at my feet . He has eaten and been out back , but he has not had his walk yet . I am postponing the inevitable as long as possible , because I do like my Saturday mornings . There is no better way to spend the morning than like this , so hopelessly ineffectual and irresponsible . I had myself an excellent sleep and woke up at a decent enough hour . The sleep medication helps and lately I have been sleeping well and feeling very rested when I wake up , providing I don 't try to do it too early . I do get up in the middle of the night and in the early morning to go to the toilet and I should not get it in my head then to stay up , because it would be a bad idea , as I would be a very grumpy person thinking her time to wake up was there and not being able to figure out why I wasn 't feeling good . Stubborn as an ass , it wouldn 't necessarily dawn on me that I needed to sleep some more . The cat food experiment is going well , in that it is becoming clear that they prefer the more expensive one better . Well , they would , wouldn 't they ? They are persnickety cats and only want the best and I have raised them well and allowed them to have discriminating tastes . They eat the less expensive cat food too , so maybe I can find one that is priced somewhere in between . Some more experimenting needs to be done . I have found out that the Überhund can do with less food and still be satisfied , in other words , he isn 't looking for junk to eat off the streets . That was such a disgusting habit . I won 't tell you what he all ate . The Butcher 's and the Frolic are going down well and I only offer him a certain amount . He can do with it as he wishes and if he doesn 't eat , it 's his choice . If he eats it all , he doesn 't get more . The cats are always more than happy to eat any leftover Butcher 's . Yesterday I discovered an area in the basement of a department store where they sell art supplies and frames and pas par touts . They have big frPosted by I started to write a post yesterday and got about halfway done and then I decided that I wasn 't cheerful enough and that this was reflected in my writing and that the whole thing was just too ponderous and serious , which I did not like at all , so I deleted it and shut off the computer and watched the 8 o ' clock news instead . While I was writing that post , I was still influenced by the 6 o ' clock news and I was feeling righteously indignant , which happens to me a lot when I watch the news and I am in a vulnerable mood . The true socialist in me awakens and sees all the injustice that 's committed in the world and I want to rise up against it and climb the barricades . But never mind that now , let me not get into that frame of mind again , because today I 've had a perfectly lovely day and I want to end it in the same way as it started , namely very quietly and serenely without the least amount of stress and irritation . I seem to have been cushioned today from the general stress of life and it was very pleasant . It started of well at creative therapy , where I started a new abstract sculpture and I am enjoying the process so much , that I forget everything around me and only think about each individual movement that I make with each tool and see how the shape changes when I add or subtract the clay . I am in another world and now I wish I had gone to art school , because I think I might have enjoyed it very much . I see now that I like making abstract objects and the shapes you make when recreating it . It all makes sense in a convoluted way . I wish to be good enough to create something of my own , but I think I need to copy some more works first and get the hang of it . You have to try and understand why the shapes are where they are , and how they move into other slopes and curves and circles . There has to me a method to it that makes sense somehow and create harmony without creating the obvious . Right now I like working with clay better than I like making collages , but maybe it 's a passing phase , or maybe I will like both equally welPosted by Well , here I am again . As faithful as the sunset every day . I rarely let a day go by without posting , do I ? It 's an ingrained habit that is hard to shed and I wouldn 't very quickly give it up , unless I felt pretty bad , and I don 't now . There are moments in the day that I do , but they are moments and not long periods . Little mini funks . I hardly slept last night . After initially falling asleep on the sofa , I woke up again around midnight and stayed up until 4 AM , not realizing that I had forgotten to take my medicines until much later than usual . That was part of the problem . I was also a little bit wound up about the coming day , because I was going to ergo therapy and I had something to share there . The alarm clock woke me up at 7 AM with much reluctance on my part , because I was trying very hard to ignore it , but it just kept on beeping and it wouldn 't stop . I took my sweet old time to drink my coffee and have my cigarettes , about 45 minutes and then I had to rush to get ready . I did everything in a hurry , as far as that was possible , but I can 't rush the dog when I take him out . He doesn 't do his business on command , so I have to be patient . Just as I was getting ready to leave , my very old neighbors asked me to set their digital thermostat for them , because they still have not figured out how it works and various family members come and mess around with it . This time it was turned down to 10 degrees Celsius . What are these people thinking ? I showed them how it works and hope they understand it now , but I don 't think so . I got to ergo therapy on time to have a cup of espresso in the smoking room and be early morning moody with everybody else . Some days are just like that and I am not much of a talker anyway , so that doesn 't stimulate things either . I should have a good joke to tell . At ergo therapy I immediately took the opportunity to say how much it bothered me to be told that my time was going to be up without being told when and that it spoiled all my pleasure of coming there and that I would rather know a date Posted by Contrary to my best intentions , it is the middle of the day and I have the computer on and am active on it . So , why is that ? Well , I felt like being stubborn and going my own way today and do things just a little bit different . I have cleaned up the apartment a bit and if you run fast , you don 't notice what needs to be done yet . For all appearances it looks good enough , if you run fast . You can also roller skate through . Or drive by in a fast car and have a quick peek through the windows . Frankly , my dear . . . let 's just pretend that today doesn 't have to be a very productive day and that it is mental health day . To celebrate this day , I have arranged my books on the bookcase by color . It came over me as I sat by the dining table and suddenly I got up and started putting all the red books together . Once I had that done , the rest was easy . The blue ones followed and then the greens and so on . The black books outnumber all of them . Some of them were still arranged by color from an earlier attempt , so it was pretty easy . I should have dusted right away , but I was too impatient for it and will have to go back and do it when spring fever hits . Maybe this was a heralding of it . Get ready , it is about to start . I saw my SPN this morning and shared my feelings about the therapies with her , but then fell into such a funk , that I didn 't really know how to communicate any further and it was kind of a futile discussion , because I was not cooperative . Not because I didn 't want to be , but because I just slammed shut and didn 't know what to say anymore . I did say , that if the situation continued as it was , I would quit the therapies and make my own way in life . She thought that was just my emotions speaking and that I would regret that later . If anybody dares to say to me again that it is going to end soon , I 'm going to challenge them and tell them to name me a date so that I can prepare myself properly . I 'm not going to hang in limbo for the rest of the time that I 'm there . I have tried to call my main therapist there , but she was out fPosted by Well , if I plan this right , I can write a post before I go to bed and read some blogs too . That is if I don 't dilly dally and spend too much time thinking about what I 'm going to tell you all , and not get frustrated about the stupid keyboard keys that get stuck and make me all mixed up about whether or not I have punched down a key well enough or not , so that I have to go back and add or subtract letters . There , that was a little rant about the keyboard , but really , it is so frustrating and I don 't have the money right now to buy a new one yet . I have to wait just a bit . It is said that you learn to live with the little inconveniences in life , but I don 't believe a bit of it . I am all for eliminating them as quickly as possible . It will be a great day when I toss this keyboard in the trash . Today was creative therapy and I have to be honest with you and tell you that I don 't enjoy going there as much anymore since I 'm being told left and right that it 's all going to end one of these days . My heart isn 't in it anymore and I am not making the commitment like I was before . In a way I am already saying goodbye . I am being told the same thing at ergo therapy and I feel the same way there , so there is a kind of withdrawal on my part , as if I am not putting in 100 % anymore . I finished my clay sculpture today and it turned out okay for the beginner that I am . It has to dry now before it can go into the oven and I will start another one on Friday . This next one is going to be harder than the first one , so I 've got my work cut out for me . When I got home all I felt like doing was having a cup of coffee and a cigarette , so I did and I fed the dog who hadn 't eaten it the morning for lack of interest , but he wolfed down his food this time . I took him for a walk and it was nearly pleasant outside , overcast , but not very cold with just a bit of a chilly wind . It wants to be spring , but it is very hesitant . Then the Exfactor came over to pick up a package that had been delivered here for him and we had some coffee together . He had spPosted by It is still early in the morning and I have been up for a while , drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes . Well , what else would you expect me to do , right ? I 'm such an old addict who can 't give up her vices . Those are the two worst things I do and I seem to thrive despite of them and take a licking and keep on ticking . I don 't remember for which brand watch that commercial was . It wasn 't for Rolex , I know that . My watch is from Elle and that is supposed to be a little bit of a big deal , though I don 't know why . I bought it because it looked nice and I could afford it . Remember when everybody was wearing Swatch watches ? I think I even wore one myself for a while . That 's when I was still caught up in the middle class trappings and thought we had to do like everybody else did . I like to pretend I 'm a member of the X class now , but I really don 't know if that is true . I think I 'm still hopelessly middle class , but very hard trying not to be , though . I was so middle class that I drove a Jeep Cherokee 4x4 . I had two children and a dog and groceries to haul around . That was my excuse . I never went off road with it , though I did drive it in the mountains and we went on vacations with it . It was red with a beige interior . I loved that car and it was tough when I had to give it up . It was my status symbol . Status played a big role in my life in my first marriage . It was all about the house and the cars and the furniture and the right schools , etc . Exhausting stuff , always keeping up appearances . It was as important to me as it was to my then husband . I was as trapped in it as he was . It was an enormous relief to step out of it and come down to earth eventually . I did that when I came to the Netherlands and had to start again from scratch . When all you have are some of your clothes and your books , it isn 't hard to be humble . Well , anyway , at least I don 't feel the need to wear a Rolex . I 'm not that far gone . Or a Louis Vuitton handbag . Or Coco Chanel ensembles . Which I 'm sure I could never afford . Not even second hand , if I Posted by Here we go ! Another Saturday . So soon again after we just had one . Tiny little weeks and then the weekends to relax in and become one again with myself . That is , after I 've done the grocery shopping . Mustn 't forget that ! I just walked the Überhund around the field again and it took twice as long as it should have , or maybe three times as long , because he had to sniff every blade of grass to tell who had been by there . It was all very interesting to him and a few times he suddenly pulled me right off my feet when a scent hit him from a distance . I don 't try to pull him along . I figure it is his outing and he ought to enjoy it . Then we went the long way home and walked backwards to how we usually go and even that was interesting to him , as if we were approaching things from a whole new perspective . I guess we were from his point of view . I do like to see him enjoy himself , it 's so easy . All it requires is some bushes and lumps of grass and lamp posts . The weather is beautiful outside . It is warm and the sun is shining , although rain is expected later on today , so I mustn 't postpone my grocery shopping . I had my jacket open and no scarf . Wonderful ! I didn 't fall asleep until 3 AM . I was too wound up from the busy day . I do have the tendency to get over excited and it reminds me that there is a reason why I lead a sedentary life . The boat gets rocked so easily . Luckily , I was able to sleep late this morning , so I do feel caught up . I have a feeling , though , that there will be a nap in my day later on . Maybe when I read my book . ' Eat , pray , love . ' That 's what I 'm reading and I 'm almost done with it . Fabulous book , I recommend it highly . I 've got two new books waiting for me , so there will be no chance of boredom in my life for a while . I will tell you about them as I read them . I have made a wish list of books that cost around 10 Euros or less at Bol . com and they are all in English . I have over fifty books on the list , so I will be busy for a while . As soon as I run out of books to read , I will be besieging you for titles Posted by It 's been a long day out on the ranch . I 've been out in the saddle all day and have hardly been home and now I am enjoying myself with some well deserved computer time . I woke up at 5 : 30 this morning and couldn 't figure out why I was not in a good mood , it seemed something was off . I finally decided that the problem was that I needed to sleep some more , so I went back to bed until 7 o ' clock when the alarm clock woke me very merrily . Darn thing wouldn 't stop beeping until I got up out of bed and made it stop . I purposely don 't have it sitting beside my bed , but across the room , so I have to get up to shut it off . There would be too much temptation to roll over and go back to sleep and it doesn 't have a snooze button . This time I was in a good mood and made myself a mug of Senseo and drank that very gratefully while I smoked my cigarette . Then it was time to begin the ritual of getting the day started , which means feeding the animals first . The cats are always more than ready and await me in the kitchen walking around restlessly until the food appears . The Überhund pretends not to care if it is feeding time and only fakes a little bit of interest when I fill his dish and pretends not to give a hoot at all when I put it down on the ground . I have to talk him into eating his food , but once he gets started , it 's gone pretty quickly , providing I don 't go anywhere , because he will stop eating and follow me wherever I go . So I sit right by him until he 's done eating . Then the two of us go to the bathroom to get me ready and he waits patiently by the open door while I do my thing there . He sneezes from the hairspray and the perfume and then we are ready for our walk . I get baggies from the kitchen and he dances around me , all excited because he gets to go out . When we get back , I have another coffee and make cigarettes for that morning and then hop on my bicycle to go to therapy , which was creative therapy this morning . For a change I didn 't make a collage , but started making a clay figure from a picture out of a book of sculpPosted by |
They climbed over the walls of the compound and left the smoking ruin behind . Over field and wasteland , scratched by bushes and barbed wire and with mud over their ankles , they walked all night to the nearest village . When the grey dawn rose and people began to appear on the streets around them , they knew they both looked a state . Jac covered his face with his collar to hide the dried blood around his mouth . An old , brown hotel pub , smelling of beer and must and old men , welcomed them ; it was the only place of refuge open at that time . Eitan collapsed on a seat while Jac gladly washed his face and hands . They wouldn 't notice splatters on your clothes , after all - not with all the mud and dirt and soot - but your skin was a different story . When Jac came back from the toilets , the two couldn 't look each other in the eye . They sat , silent , staring . His hands were shaking . The long walk in the cold had dulled him , but now he was sitting in the heat the euphoria , the horrific elation , returned as if it was new , ; it buzzed throughout his veins , sparked in his muscles , and kept his breath shallow . As the memories of fire and gunshots flashed through his mind , he was unsure whether he felt more pleasure than pain . When he finally looked at Jac - brown curls plastered on his sweaty brow , cheeks flushed scarlet , his tiger eyes bloodshot - he knew that he must be feeling something similar . They looked at each other , at the mess they were , and they laughed at the absurdity of it : they were free . After an entire lifetime - free . Eitan could have laughed forever at the thought . I wrote this for the first writing group I attended , a year and a half ago . I didn 't have the confidence to put in something close to my heart , so I took an existing idea of mine and ripped - off the story structure from the girl who had brought in a short story the week before . The word limit was 2000 words and I killed myself keeping under it , making the story near unintelligible in the process , so here is a fuller , more comprehensible version . Plan for every eventuality . That was what any conqueror had to do - especially one as friendless as Dominique . She had more power than any man could understand ; they raged at how she had stolen the country from under them , and made attempts on her life at every turn . Even now , as she sat in the carriage and looked at Ethan , she anticipated an attack . But he only stared out onto the colours of the countryside beyond : yellow , green , muddy brown , scorched black , blood red . This was the man . The man it had taken two years to find ; the man who held all her hope for the future . ' You killed the king and all his men , ' Ethan said , and she smiled at the childish contempt in his voice . ' You kill anyone who opposes you . You 're a witch , a sorceress - you 're in league with the devil , and you 're mad on power . ' ' Yes , ' she said . The pattern on the seal was like a needle diving in and out of cloth , trailing loops of thread behind it . They could not understand . They could not see power beyond the metal they wielded . Ethan turned back to the window . After the dominance she had displayed earlier , any gentleness now must anger him . Nothing made men more furious than inconsistency . But that was how nature was : inconsistent , constantly flowing and renewing and changing its mind , deciding to freeze one day and boil the rest . They could not understand . No - one understood as she did . ' Oh , ' she would cry , throwing her arms out to embrace the wind , ' how full of life and magic this land is ! Can 't you feel the thirst and energy under your feet ? Dominique , feel it with me ! This land is all yours ! ' Dominique hated her father . He talked eloquently in halls and corridors but shouted behind doors . Her mother crouched over the stream with her , plunging their hands into the icy water , water that balmed and healed any injuries . ' You 're a good girl , ' her mother said . ' Remember that . The earth will always love you . You can always count on nature : it is what birthed you , it is what will kill you in the end . ' It was her father 's fault . Everyone said they were witches , going into the forest to speak with the devil . He commanded her mother to stop disgracing him , but she could not , and Dominique could not , resist the call of the wild when the hall held nothing but petty gossip and the brutal , boring tales of oppressing rebellions far away . What ecstasy then , when the wind sang in their ears as they felt the spark of each insect and bird swirl around them , and danced for joy at the rhythm of life . How insignificant it all seemed in comparison ! Of course she could . The power to move . The power to control the spark of life , mould the glow at your fingertips . Dominique learnt it . Her skin crawled the first time she snuffed it away from a fainting faun by the riverside ; then the ease of it fascinated her . With only a thought , she could make a bird drop from the sky , could quell a snarling wolf . So simple ; so elegant ; so powerful . Her mother knew that power , but had buried it inside her heart for years . Now , she saw her daughter learning the magical ways , so smiling and beautiful , and remembered what she could do . The pressure built upon them both from all sides , and when Dominique 's father demanded that they not go out again , that she not give her daughter to witchcraft , she could not agree to it . She broke . She lay on the floor sobbing , raging , touching Dominique 's bruises , and told her that she had had enough . ' Remember how strong you are , darling , ' she said , eyes red and cheeks purple . ' You are stronger , and smarter , than I am . I know you will do well . I know you will not be as helpless as I am . ' How was she helpless ? Dominique didn 't understand until she saw the axe come down on her mother 's head a week later . She had only been able to end one worthless life before being crushed in the cogs . The king stood there and , as they carried the body away , lamented the loss of one of his best noblemen . Dominique wished her eyes could cut through him . It was good for all , he said , that such a witch should be executed , and only her status as a noblewoman had saved her from hanging as she should have done . That , and that she confessed immediately to murder by witchcraft , which of course was the only way a healthy man could appear dead one morning with no wounds or signs of poison . She ran into the fields at dusk , blinded with tears , and she cursed the world for not knowing justice ; for leaving her helpless and alone . She stopped to breathe , and the breeze caught her , and tickled her face in comfort , like gentle hands . A nightingale sang , the trees rustled , the grass waved - and then she knew her mother was all around her , returned to nature , and - at last - happy . She laughed . Her spirit soared , expanding to the sky , and she felt every speck of life within her reach , from the shifting earth to the rushing heavens , as if they were hairs on her skin . She called on it , called on it to come to her , and she turned , and the energy twisted towards her , wound round her spinning figure , tighter and tighter , down her arm and to the tip of her finger , until it snapped apart , and fell to lie , glowing , on her outstretched palm . She waited years , spinning more threads into her hands - from trees , from wolves , from fish in streams . To her the threads glowed and sparked , more beautiful than any gold or jewels , but she learnt , over time , that others could not see them . She knew power ; she knew how to drain the life from a creature without a sound , how to harness it from far away by spinning a simple line . It was the last lesson her mother had taught her . ' Never , ' Dominique said . The old lady only wanted this wild girl off of her hands , she knew . The gossip never stopped , the judgements and questions ; the hands pulling at her hair , prodding at her body , telling her what to do , what to be . She only wanted Dominique away , kept at heel under a rich nobleman , someone strong , someone ' just ' , someone like her father . So she said Never , and she meant Never . They were too late by the time they caught her ; she pinched all their lives away the second they raised swords to her . She , the terminal of each thread , covered in a haze of light , hundreds of lives attached to her skin , to her will . A thought , and they died ; a twitch , and they were her puppets for the rest of their days . But she killed the king with her own hands . She wanted to have it visceral , screaming , attempting to be noble until the last breath , gushing blood and guts under her hands . The puff of his life as he was extinguished - it made her sing with joy . But moments after he lay dead at her feet , she straightened , and despair washed over her . She was done . Her revenge was complete . What now ? Wait for other nobles to take the king 's place ? Wait for her own execution ? But the guards lay dead in the hall , and they had been powerless to take her . The memory of how easy it had been surged through her , igniting her - the recognition of her power hit her in full force and took her breath away , inflaming all her ambitions . She had dismantled the cogs . They could not execute her ; they could not harm her . She had killed the king , so she was the new queen - and , she thought , thinking over all the gossip over the years , all the news , and - she had a whole rotten kingdom to invigorate . She spun threads at every moment , until it was unthinking : she whirred inside , searching out spirits wherever she stepped . She never seemed to have enough ; she never reached her limit , for each time she took on more , ever more perished under her , like sand through her fingers . She kept the soldiers , because it was more entertaining to watch them fight for her ; killing was too easy . No guilt . It was only nature that killed them : the ending of life was natural , after all . And what followed was also natural . Poisoned food , a thrown knife , a pounding heart and gasping breath as she realised how close she had come . The unexpected attacks threw her , shook her , so she sharpened her wits , holding each thread in mind , vibrating the ones closest to her , sending messages down the wires . Always searching for energy nearby , always trying to control whatever she found , so no attack would happen again , so no attack would succeed . But she knew better than to flinch from facing her mortality , knew better than to think she was an exception to the rules of nature . She thought a great deal about her life , and her future , and what was inevitable - and she knew what she must do . The birds loved her - of all the animals , she treasured them the most , and for that they worked hard for her . They sent messages back down the wires , images of villages and towns , images she scanned for hours and hours without sleep , until frustration would overcome her and she 'd give up - until the next night , when the new images would be there . She strengthened her magic ; she wove spells in her mind , mixing each thread together , and each spell she made was more powerful than the last , until it occurred to her that only one thing in life was impossible : avoiding death . She burned his village to the ground because it rebelled . He took up his sword against her , but she stopped each muscle in his body , and left him hanging , frozen , as if caught in a spider 's web . Her soldiers pressed in on his family . He was strong , so he would fight well for her . He was righteous , so it was all the more poignant that he was forced into her servitude . And he was beautiful . Of course he was beautiful . He had to be beautiful . He knelt at her feet , and he held her fingers as lightly as possible . She vibrated at the touch , suspending the woven threads above his head . His eyes were half lidded as he brought his face closer , and she saw the most touching moment : a flicker of his gaze to the floor , a hesitation , a small death within him . She sealed the spell . A beam of light closed around him , red and burning , and he shouted out and slumped over his knee , clutching his throat . When the light subsided it was there - the pattern , the red mark around his lower neck . His collar . He did not reply , but she could feel , from the trembling of his thread , how scared he truly was . She did not care . It was all part of the unstoppable rhythm , a tide that washed over her and him and everyone else - and that never stopped for justice . In summer 2010 , while I was working back home on Arran , this story entered my brain from approximately nowhere , and I started writing it with the idea that it would be a short story . It promptly bloomed to 44 , 000 words , as my stories tend to do . It would have been more if summer had not ended , because when I was back in Glasgow in the autumn , the will to finish it left me ( which is a pain because it was quite near the end ) . It 's some silly Victorian - era story that was meant to be in a fictional river but then bucked my decision and centred itself round London and the Thames . I did approximately ten seconds of research halfway through and realised this story is so far from any Victorian British reality it might as well be set on the Moon . So just pretend you 're in a parallel universe where all the names are the same but the geography and society are different ; where everything cleaves precisely to how my mind 's eye sees it . It 's not a tale I would like to get published , but I would like to finish it one day . So I 'm going to post it here in parts , lightly edited , and otherwise unchanged , and then end it when the time comes . Enjoy . I grew up on those boats . The boats along the river , carrying cargo from one end to the other , through towns and villages , through London and beyond to the coast . The river was too narrow , too shallow , they said , for the big ships coming from the continent with their spices and silk , and the big cruisers taking more and more people from the cold to the heat . That 's where our boats were , hundreds of them on the river that to me , at five years old , wasn 't narrow or shallow at all . No - one contradicted Mrs Hunter . People had laughed and talked back to her when her husband died and she said she 'd keep hold of the river fleet he had had instead of letting her son take it . No woman was strong enough , smart enough for such work , they said . Those men had clearly never met Mrs Hunter . After only two weeks with all her husbands money and power in her sure hands , she had taken over five boats and made the captains of three more bend their knees to her , and everyone quickly stopped laughing . Now , with near half the fleet directly under her family control and others , like my parent 's boat , in association with her , no - one ever talked back . I would have laughed because I was never alone in my eyes , but I could only stare at the boy of about seven half - hidden behind her arm , so small he almost disappeared behind its substantial womanly mass . He was staring at the ground so I could only see the dirty light hair that looked almost grey . It matched : pale dirty hair , pale dirty shirt , pale dirty skin . ' Good , ' she said , pushing him forward . Her bustle was wider than he was ; her hat better cared for . He raised his head and looked at us all , eyes wide and fearful , darting from mother to father to me . He didn 't dare move , and my parents and I didn 't dare touch him , as Mrs Hunter made to leave . ' Where are you from ? ' That was the first question I asked every other kid I met when on the boat . He shook his head . My mother had given him some clothes of my father 's that were far too big for him , so the shirt he sat in was more of a dress . Already it was stained from the food - soup , bread , meat - which we had given him earlier . ( He had forced the meal down his throat with such vigour that I 'd been amazed that he hadn 't thrown up . ) White , blotchy legs stretched out from under the cloth , and I noticed that there were multiple bruises , some new and some faded , dotted all over them like a badly - made painting . ' Okay , ' I said , ' I 'll be the queen then , and you will be my loyal servant . Now , I have to get ready for the ball where the prince will be coming . Go and order the carriage and tell my maids to get me my dresses . ' ' We 're playing that I 'm the queen . Queens get to do whatever they want and they live in castles full of gold and tell everyone what to do and they have to do what the queen says . They have ponies and ballgowns and meet handsome princes which they can marry if they wish to , or not , like Queen Elizabeth did . ' ' They 're like queens , but men , and they rule , but they don 't do very much apart from attend balls hoping a queen will be there to marry them . Knights are better - they have swords and lances and walk in armour and fight evil men who would kill the queen . And they have horses and fight in battles , but mammy says that there aren 't knights anymore because we have guns and armour is too heavy … . oh , a gun is something that pappy has , here , let me show you . . ' " Then teach him . " That was the refrain of every protest to my parents over the coming weeks : if he can 't do it , teach him , and I quickly took it upon myself as my duty to teach this boy , during the long , long days between stops , to tell him the tales I knew , to play so I could invent my own , to show him the letters I was learning and how to join them together . It was hard to communicate : he could only nod and shake his head and point , and couldn 't even make noises like my mother said others who couldn 't speak - even those who couldn 't hear - could do . I asked him why and he shook his head to show he didn 't know why either . It had to give . We were so young and learning to read was too slow , so we started to make gestures for our own sign language . We began with names . ' You 're Laneham , ' I said , ' so let 's make an L shape . ' And I did so with my hand . He frowned and pulled up my other hand until I realised that from his view the L was backwards . And he looked away in embarrassment . I laughed and hugged him . He had only been on the boat a week and had shied away from every brush of the arm and attempted pat on the head and shivered every time my mother helped him to put on clothes . But I caught him off guard . I hugged him and it wasn 't the warm substantial embrace of my mother or the oily - smelling one of my father - it was like trying to hold a bundle of mismatched sticks . It was the most uncomfortable hug I ever had in my life , and I tried to release him quickly and go on with making our language , but when I let go of him , I found that his arms were tight around my back ; they had fixed there after the initial shock , and he wouldn 't let go . I was surprised , then scared , then finally , I put my arms around him again . After a few more seconds he finally let go . I laughed , this time in embarrassment , and didn 't know what to say while he looked away . He looked around and pointed at a picture of Mary and Baby Jesus on the wall . I laughed at him . He scowled and tried to find paper to draw on , but there was none around as my mother had found us drawing on them the day before and gasped that we would waste scarce paper - ' None to get until we 're at the next stop , and it 's expensive you know ! ' - on something so impractical . He slumped back against the chest behind him and glared at the ground . I prodded him . I quickly learnt to read him very well . He would scowl when frustrated or humiliated , frown in concentration while trying to read , look uninterested and to the right side when bored or discontented , and rarely - so rarely - so rarely I didn 't see it until months had gone by - he would smile . He could make no noise , so every smile was worth far more than the hundreds I doled out every day . As you would expect of two children growing up with only the other for company , we became very close , so that at each port he would hide behind me even though I was younger and smaller , would grab my arm when unsure or afraid ( feelings I knew very little and didn 't understand ) . Large sailors and merchants would peer at us and I would smile and introduce myself , and he would hide and wilt under their stares . I remember one such stop where the men had been rough , and their blackened hands had scratched my cheek and they pushed Laneham and laughed at him for being the charity mute that Mrs Hunter had foisted on These Poor Folks , and I stuck my tongue out at them and got scolded by my parents . I was angry all the rest of the day , and Laneham only sat and stared . For two days he refused to communicate , even though I wanted to make new gestures for " cruel , ignorant men " , before we arrived at our next stop and I brightened . This was Annie 's stop . Annie was one of the many friends I had at various stops on the route , all the more prized because she was my age and a girl . She had been ill last time we had been there , so this time , a month or two after Laneham had been on our boat , was her first meeting with him . I introduced them and she stared and he tried to hide behind me , so I began talking to her , to save him from having to do anything . After a short while - the talk of six year olds to others often lacks the vigour of more adult conversations - we grew bored and I suggested we play pretend , and that the boxes and crates of the shipyard would be a great ball - room , except Annie wanted it to be a ball - room under the sea so the crates were old shipwrecks and giant clams as well as the palace . And I turned and said to Laneham , who was standing there , that he would be my servant , and to fetch me some pearls from the sea - bed , and he shook his head . And he straightened and I realised that he was older than me and taller than me and probably stronger than me , which was a surprise to my arrogant child - mind . He held an imaginary sword and swung it diagonally . It was a sign we had made up the night before : " knight . " ' Annie ! Edie ! We 're going ! ' someone called , and we had to run back to where the adults were . My parents started at the sight of Laneham , still smiling . He stopped smiling by the time we went back onboard , but because they had seen it , my parents paid more attention to him . You see , the smile proved he was human , and loveable , and so they began to treat him more as one of their own instead of an encumbrance . My father began to take him up to the bridge and show him the controls , and explain how the motor worked , and my mother began to adjust the clothes that she had begged from her friends for him , so that they fit instead of hanging off his skeleton . He stayed with us for years . He became my father 's surrogate son , and taught him everything he could about our boat and trade , while my mother fretted and tutted about having another handful though she sometimes admitted that the mute was often less work than her own flesh and blood . We eventually learnt to read , but our sign language was prized for how fast and - preciously - how secretive it was . He still gripped my arm when we met the other sailors and men at the docks , but when we were alone in the boat again he 'd sign what he thought of them and would do such hilarious impressions - standing up straight with his meagre chest puffed out and swaggering , or hunching up and squinting and pointing his finger in elderly anger , and more - that mother would come through and wonder at me lying there on the floor screaming in laughter and Laneham smiling , smiling hard at making me so happy . He shook his head again and frowned at the ground . I moaned and moaned and eventually he gave one sign that mimicked a sword going through the heart . It could mean murder ; he meant danger . ' They 're not dangerous ! What are you talking about ? ' I didn 't comprehend this fear that he sometimes said , about being afraid of strangers . Strangers were just friends I hadn 't made yet ; danger was storms and lightning and holes in the hull and diseases that passed along the filthier parts of the river . That 's how I was so friendly to everyone I met , and so cavalier with danger . Often Laneham would pull me down from walking on walls at the dock edge , or the sides of the boat when river traffic was heavy , though I never believed that the other boats would kill me if I fell in . I never understood his fears . I was so trapped in my own happy world that I never even tried to understand what might have caused them . Was that my downfall ? It doesn 't matter ; what happened next would have occurred no matter how understanding I was of him . It was unexpected . I wasn 't quite eleven years old when we were docked at town that time . We played outside until the street lamps were on and reflecting in the fog . We had been playing hide and seek and I realised , after a long time of hiding behind a small outhouse , that the smog was low and thick and that I was a far way from the boat . As more time went on and Laneham didn 't find me , I began to panic . Being lost was one of the things I did fear - the boat leaving without me as my parents give me up for dead , as I knew they could . I decided that just once I could forfeit a game and decided to walk back home . It was hard since I could barely see more than five feet in front of me and after some time of walking I banged into a tall man with a fine moustache . ' Edie ? The Heinlein girl ? ' he exclaimed as we both blinked in recognition . He was the owner of one of the nearby factories who sometimes asked us to transport his wares - matches or paper , I can 't remember which . I explained that I was trying to get home and he sighed at me , and walked me to the dock . ' Oh you silly goose , ' mother said to me , relief adding warmth to her scold . ' You know you shouldn 't stay out in the fog like that . Thank you so much , Mr Craven . ' ' Mammy , ' I whispered . I never whispered . She stopped and looked around and realised what was wrong . My father came out from inside and looked between us , both silent . The hours went by and he didn 't come back . My parents put me to bed but I sat and stared into the darkness and heard them speaking to each other in quiet , solemn tones . I couldn 't sleep . Though he was a boy , and older , I still felt so protective of him - I had taken him so far away from the dock , I had wanted to play hide and seek , and I was responsible for him , because he was my Laneham , my responsibility . I thought of some of the stories I had heard of bodies turning up in the water , or boys being kidnapped and forced into the navy or army and never seen again , and I felt every second pass by with a flinch , because I knew that we had to leave first thing in the morning , no matter what . They had said to me ever since I could remember : if you 're not on the ship , you must be left behind . Looking back , I don 't think they would have left their only child alone to take care of a job , but I always felt as if the jobs were this immovable thing that had to be done Or Else , and not anything , not even a daughter being left behind to homelessness and death or worse , would stop it . The boat would move on tomorrow , and Laneham would be left behind and I would be alone again , and every minute passed by and I could not sleep . Eventually my parents came to bed . I lay there for perhaps another hour before I couldn 't stand it and got up , feeling my way in the dark until I got outside . The street lights were still on and I could hear the noise of town far away . The smog was still thick on the river so I heard it before I saw it . Tap tap tap - it was the sound of feet . Tap tap tap , very quickly , with an irregular rhythm from the person stumbling while they ran . I straightened and strained my eyes to look , and saw a shadow appear over one part of the smog mere seconds before Laneham burst out of it and ran onto the boat , falling just beside me with a crash into the outside wall . ' Laneham ! ' I cried , and I had one moment of happiness . Then he looked up at me and I dropped to my knees , and instinctively raised a hand to touch him . He batted my hand away . He was gulping in air after running , wheezing , and every muscle in him was shaking . In the faint street light that reflected off the fog , what worried me most - what destroyed any relief I felt in having him back - was the look on his face . ' What happened ? ! ' I cried . He shook his head , turning away , curling up and clutching his knees , still shaking though he was regaining his breath . I pushed him gently and - for the first time since he first came aboard our boat - he flinched at my touch . I couldn 't help it . It was after midnight and I 'd been worrying for hours and he wasn 't even looking at me , so I sat down and cried , right in front of him . That made him finally acknowledge that I was there , but he didn 't act , didn 't move , didn 't do anything but look at me blankly , before lowering his head into his arms and shaking . I cried myself out , and sat with him , hoping he would stop , he would sit up and reply to me , but he didn 't . I was exhausted , and soon petulant anger rose in me as my conscience battled with my animal desire for comfort and sleep . And he stood up suddenly and walked through to the beds . I barely remembered to blow out the wick before following , hoping that this was a good sign before I remembered : we couldn 't communicate in the dark . It was another way of running from my questions . And because of that I wanted to cry again as I lay my head down , but worry had taken all my energy , and - despite the emotions and questions that crowded my mind - I soon fell into uneasy dreams . He didn 't communicate as we sailed the next few days . I wrote messages and signed in front of his eyes and talked loudly to him constantly , but I never got a response . He looked as if something was haunting him , something terrible , for his eyes were purple with lack of sleep and fear and he would curl and shake when we let him be , as if the air was attacking him . And I had never known a stress like those days , days of constant worry and self - blame and reproach , spending every second I could trying to coax out what had happened until my parents would drag me away to work . We reached our next stopping point three days later : London . I was sure he would refuse to go outside , would want to hold onto me while we met others , but instead we stepped outside together and he looked at the sun , deep in thought . We took the crates out the boat and my parents were talking to those come to collect it and I was going to join in when something made me turn - I like to think it was a whisper of fate , telling me to look at Laneham . He was on the dock , and he walked around the crates and packages but didn 't seem to see them . Finally he looked again at the sun and turned towards the buildings nearby , and walked away , steadily , walking with purpose . I watched and took in every detail about him as he walked further and further out of sight . He didn 't come back and we had to conclude that he had done it out of choice . I cried bitter tears and spent weeks wondering if it was somehow my fault , that somehow I had made him leave , and wishing and praying futilely for God or someone to bring him back , or at least let me know what made him leave . I received no answers and after weeks and then months and then finally years , I gave up and realised that I would never see him again . The streetlight outside flared orange along the gun barrel as the masked man pointed it at Tony 's face . They had kicked down the door and dragged him out of bed before he had fully opened his eyes ; now two men hovered over him while the third rifled through the organised piles of clutter next door . He crossed his eyes looking at the gun , and wished he hadn 't slept in his scabbiest pair of boxers . He didn 't want them to be the clothes he died in . Before he could refuse to answer , a loud saxophone riff , distorted and accompanied with a buzz of vibration , interrupted them , making everyone jump . The second intruder followed the noise , fighting with the duvet while trying to get to the phone . Finally , he straightened in triumph - and the phone stopped ringing . She raised her eyebrows as she spoke , and apart from the stress she put on the words " plenty " and " fancy " , that was the only way to tell she was being sarcastic . He had always liked how stupid people never caught onto it . It was her blatant inside - joke . ' Have you got a crush , Tony ? ' she said with a smile absent of envy . ' I 'm jealous . Who is she ? What 's she like ? ' They had always liked laughing at the absurdity of the world . She used to go on her laptop and find strange news stories when they lay around in bed on weekend afternoons , laughing as the golden light highlighted all the dust in her room and the freckles on her back . Hammock recalled because the wooden stand breaks if left outdoors , that kind of thing . Well , she would enjoy this . ' It helps me get to sleep , ' she said . ' Knowing you 're a phone call away , when I 'm all alone in my bed . ' She finished her mug of coffee , before adding : He didn 't know whether her redundancy was a joke or not , whether she was serious or not . And he had no chance to ask because she stood up and belted her coat , and he had to rush to finish his own drink . As they exited the cafe , she walked far too close to him for a non - girlfriend , arm nearly in his , her flowery perfume drifting over and settling on his body . Once outside , they hovered , waiting for the other to say something . ' Can 't ! ' she said abruptly . ' I 've got lots of work to do . Not to mention I 've a date tonight . But I 'll see you soon , okay ? Take care ! ' With that she turned and walked away , springing on her heels . He felt as if he 'd been dumped - not romantically dumped , but physically dumped into the sea . She was always like that . Every time , she swayed and smiled and made him think she wanted him , and nine times out of ten she snubbed him at the end . He scratched the back of his head and turned back towards the office . ' Hey hot stuff . Just sitting here in my cold empty bed , thinking about you . I know I might have said some mean things yesterday , but a girl can make mistakes , can 't she ? So I 'm taking up your offer . Come on round … I 'll be waiting . ' At the end of the cafe scene , after I said ' Fffucking Gina , ' Greg burst out ' I hate the bitch , ' and I thought he was joking until afterwards when he said he actually hated her . I 'm so proud I managed to provoke such a response ! Matt also called this ' Psychotic Mills and Boon ' which sounds like something I could get into to make money , ha ha ha … The larger story is more about Tony and Laura and is a little different , but there are kidnappings and at one point Gina very nearly gets in trouble by calling Tony like she does here . The next day he turns up at her work and bitches her out and that 's her comeuppance , I guess . She has a shred of sympathy in the long run , Greg ~ ! I write my own fanfic sometimes . This is a piece I modified from one which is meant to take place after the events of one novel , because it fit the theme of " A New Start . " I edited all the spec . fic elements away because it wasn 't exactly necessary in a domestic scene , and changed a few names . Second piece I presented to the Leeds Savages . This was the house . On a normal street with a grey sky above the roofs , it was a narrow semi - detached house , with a tidy front garden and a blue front door . As the taxi pulled away from the kerb behind him , he suddenly wanted to run . He didn 't belong here . This was the world of birdhouses and school runs and taking the dog for a walk , not the world of flips and parallel bars ; not the world of screaming fits and crushed beer cans ; not even the world of champagne and opera that he 'd so recently stumbled into . The wind rustled the bushes , cars hummed by in the distance , and here he was , outside a normal house in a normal street in a normal area , and he was so alien to it all . It still surprised him , how much his mother looked like his older sister - or rather , how much his sister looked like her . They shared the curly red - brown hair , the button nose , the eyes that crinkled when they smiled - even their haircuts were similar , though that must have been coincidence . Only the grey in her locks and the tired look in her eyes distinguished the older woman from her daughter . But of course that similarity should still surprise him . He had only met her for the first time the other night , when they all went out for dinner . God , what a mess that had been . The first thing that hit him was the most delicious smell . He couldn 't quite place what it was , but it was warm and sweet and enticing . She apologised for the messiness of her perfectly normal , not - very - messy home , and led him through the narrow hallway to the living room at the back . Everywhere had pale walls , white , yellow blue , and oaky varnished floorboards . In the lounge there were old mismatched armchairs of differing back heights and cushion depth , including a rocking chair , and one couch with cracked leather on the arms . There were framed quotes on the walls and a picture of the Virgin Mary over the mantlepiece . Rugs ! Scuffed rugs , not like the perfection he 'd seen at Chris 's holiday home when he visited , rugs that were stepped on in a house that was lived in . It was as imperfect and homely as he could have wanted . He was even surprised when a blur in the corner stood up and came over to sniff at his legs . ' Oh , don 't mind Jasper . You 're not allergic , are you ? Have a seat , have a seat . Everywhere 's bit of a mess at the moment - I 'm baking for a cake sale at the church this weekend and what with work and meeting you and Cathy , I 've barely had the time . I hope you 're okay with tasting some for me ! ' He almost cried at the idea of not being okay with it . Of course the smell had been home baking . Cathy had tried baking a cake for his birthday a few years ago and it had failed hilariously , and he hadn 't had anything like it since . Chris probably would have ordered him all the cake and sweets he desired , hand - moulded by French chefs , if he had mentioned it , but he didn 't like to ask too much of him . It was early days , after all . She beamed at him and went into the kitchen . He sat on the couch and held his hand out for the terrier to sniff , and scratched its neck , only sensible to the sound of Diane moving tins and cups in the kitchen , the dirty fur under his fingers , and that mind - altering smell . He was glad Cathy had refused to come today . He had just wanted to talk to his mother for the first time in his memory , but instead their dinner had devolved into a court scene where his mum was the defendant and his sister the prosecutor . We find the defendant guilty of abandoning her two children to a father not worth the ground he was buried in . Her sentence is to continue to never see her two children , on pain of verbal abuse from a twenty - two year old . Fuck that . Cathy might be right a lot of the time , but she couldn 't stop his curiosity about the woman that had given birth to him , and she couldn 't stop Diane from wanting to see her baby boy . ' I 'm so sorry , ' she said . ' I … you know what I said to Cathy the other night . I don 't expect you to forgive me . I know what your father was like , and you … well , you know what he was like . ' ' Anyway , enough of that - we had too much of it the other night . I feel I barely got to speak to you then ! Tell me about yourself . I couldn 't believe it when I found out you were a gymnast - but of course you are . Look at those arms ! ' Only a boy with blonde hair and more money than could fit in this house . Only a boy who played piano and covered his mouth when he laughed . Only a boy who listened to him when he talked about his father . But even Cathy didn 't know about him yet . ' It 's only right , ' he had said . ' She 's your only mother after all . And this is a chance for a new start with her , after everything . ' He blissed out of the conversation on the first bite again , and merely watched as his mother talked at him , surprised at how content he felt . A new start . He had always laughed at the idea , but maybe his boyfriend was right . Maybe it could be all it was said to be . |
Will you venture all the way to the beginning ? Or maybe you 'll start with the next post ? Whichever you do - enjoy the story ! Feel free to comment and follow , all of it is appreciated . We took about a two days to move David into my house , our house . He didn 't have many things so it was a pretty quick transfer . He was sure to grab all of his family pictures , ribbons from school and magic equipment . Most of his stuff all fit in my room , which he would now share with me . He had sold all of his furniture because I already had everything we need . It only took us about a week to fall into a pattern such as couples who have lived together for years have . David was very helpful around the house , and even helped me in the garden . Every morning I make breakfast and after we eat , while I put the leftovers away , he 'd load the dishwasher . Then we both take to watering and weeding . Most times we 're still in the garden when my carpool arrives for work . While I 'm gone he practices his magic act . I come home and we have dinner together then normally get into a game or two of dominoes . A couple of times we went out to dinner or a movie , but most times just are together at home . It was almost too perfect . Kind of disturbingly so . I never really thought it would be this easy . Rosetta came home from working late one day and when she walked through the door , David whipped his wand out and turned it into a bouquet of flowers . " Flowers my lady ? " He asked her . " Lovely , but not as perfect as yourself . " When she walked up to take the flowers , David made them disappear and grabbed her hand instead , pulling her into his arms so he could kiss her . She hadn 't stepped out of his arms yet when she looked at him , " You 're simply the best guy ever . " " Well I 'm glad I can please you so much . " David said , then he chuckled under his breath , " Now , how about I saw you in half ? I need practice on that . Care to be a lovely assistant ? " Rosetta looked a little leery , " I think I 'll pass on that one , I like my body whole . It 's been a tough and long day at work , I 'm beat and ready for bed actually . " David and Rosetta brushed their teeth and got into bed together . David slept shirtless this night because it was pretty warm out . The cool sheets felt very satisfying on his bare skin . Once his girl got into her spot and her favorite falling asleep position , he slid over and curled up behind her . " As do you my love . Truly . " He whispered back . David kissed her shoulder gently then snuggled his head at the base of her neck . Before they started living together , and even once afterward , Rosetta had tried to initiate a little woohoo between the two of them , but David avoided it . The truth was that he could have given in at any time , and actually wanted to , but he really just wanted to make sure that both of them were in it for the long run first . David had dated a couple of women in his life , though it never went that far . The girls he had been seeing tried a few times to get him between the sheets , but he never felt comfortable enough to give his full self to them . When he said that he wanted to wait , it wasn 't much longer that the relationship ended and he was glad he hadn 't given in . As he was falling asleep David was thinking about Rosetta , how much he really did love her , and how she was the first one to stay with him even after he had denied her advances a few times . It pleased him to know that physical connection wasn 't at the top of her list of importance in a relationship . The only people who had ever taught him about love were his parents , and he actually wanted nothing less than what they had together . He didn 't want to settle , he wanted everything . From the beginning , he had felt that he could have it all with Rosetta and he was shooting for it . David drifted into sleep and dreamt of his family , of the love everyone had shared and of him having the same . Rosetta dreamt of something entirely different . Hers were slightly disturbing . She dreamt of a large , long pool and herself standing on a diving board at one end of it . The sun shone down brightly and birds sung in the background . She was smiling as she dove off , head first , into the cool clear waters below . When she went under it felt great , refreshing yet shocking . She was attempting to swim the length of the pool underwater , trying to reach the wall beyond . Unfortunately she had to come up for air . Her head broke through the top of the water and as she gasped for a breath the entire scene changed . Clouds rolled in the sky and it started to rain . The walls of the pool were closer than before , and the water not so clear . Trying to get out , she started to swim toward the edge , but then realized it was right in front of her , the pool wasn 't long anymore - it was a tiny square . That startled her awake , she sat up in the bed and checked for David , he was there right next to her , sound asleep . It was just a few hours later when David awoke and found Rosetta in the kitchen already making his favorite breakfast , pancakes . " You 're up awful early . It 's only 4 : 30am . I thought you were off work today ? " Rosetta put the plate of pancakes on the counter and turned to hug him . " I am . I just , had some weird dreams and couldn 't sleep anymore . Are you ready to eat or would you like a shower first ? " Even though it 's been a while since he moved in , I think I 'm feeling the true differences only recently . I 'm not saying that I mind him being here , I don 't . I love it . Though I have to say , it 's really different having to cook for two instead of just myself , or make sure I don 't take forever in the shower because someone else needs it too . Maybe I just need to get out . It 's been a while since we went out together . " So I was thinking , since it is my day off , lets go somewhere . We haven 't been to Mike 's in a while . How about it ? " Rosetta offered . " Sure , that sounds great . I 'll kick your butt in some pool . " David glance out the window . " Of course , they don 't open until 9 I think , so we have a good amount of time . " Rosetta and David were at Mike 's Master Karaoke by noon , and planned to spend most of the day out . The two of them had a few juices downstairs , and listened to some singers , most of them were actually pretty good . The bad ones usually only come out at night , and only sing after they 've had a few too many drinks . A couple hours later they walked around the block to the diner to have a little lunch before going right back to Mike 's . When they came back they went upstairs to play pool for a little while . Both of them were having fun just being with each other , especially being out of the house , it seemed each of them was a little stir crazy . Rosetta was a bit more so than David . It felt good to be out . " Hey , that 's cheating . You 're distracting me with your cuteness . " Rosetta said to David . " Though I have to say , that is quite an interesting outfit you 've chosen to play in . Maybe you did that on purpose ? " David smiled , " I 'll never tell . Nice break by the way , my shot . Excuse me little lady , I need some room to perform my fabulous feats ! " ' Fabulous feats ' wasn 't actually an exaggeration , David was really good at pool and Rosetta was truly impressed . He sunk four of his own before he missed and it was her turn . She was pretty sure that he missed on purpose , just so he wouldn 't show her up too much . They played two full games , David winning both , before going off to do other things . Mike 's had a photo booth and they couldn 't resist taking some funny pictures before leaving . They also took some romantic shots and planned to hang both sets on the wall at home . David was big on having pictures , which Rosetta had discovered when he moved in . A few weeks passed and David had gotten his first gig in town for a magic act . He was thrilled , and Rosetta shared his enthusiasm . She had tried to tell him at one point that it wasn 't necessary for him to work , with the money she made from her job both of them lived comfortably . He had told her that it wasn 't about the pay at all , he just really enjoyed pleasing a crowd and doing magic . It was about the fun . Rosetta made sure she called her work and told them that she was leaving early so she could be there for his first performance . She wouldn 't have missed it for the world . Unfortunately during his act she felt that she was more a distraction than a help . She watched as he tried to pull something out of his hat , but there was nothing in there . His eyes kept falling on her . Rosetta smiled and cheered for him to keep going , that she wanted to see more , even though the rest of the crowd sighed whenever anything failed . David tried to make some doves appear and fly , but the only thing that showed up was a handful of feathers . He glanced at Rosetta and tried to smile . Again the crowd sighed , and one or two booed him . Rosetta threw her hands up and cheered anyway . Then he tried to turn his wand into flowers , the oldest trick in the book , but it just wouldn 't do it . Aggravated the threw the wand down on the stage and stomped on it with his foot . The only thing that had worked properly for him was making some cards appear from thin air . He tried to do that same trick again , but the majority of the crowd was bored with that . Pretty soon watchers started to leave , saying it was the worst show they 'd ever seen . Rosetta made her way up to the stage . She wasn 't blind to the fact that he was highly nervous and expected that it was mostly her fault . Maybe she shouldn 't have come to watch , or at least shouldn 't have let him know she was there . Before he could continue she pressed her lips to his , kissing him until he relaxed in her arms . " No honey , you were just nervous . Everything will be perfect . You were perfect . I 'm sorry if I made you uneasy . " David smiled . " Thanks Rose , you 're sweet . No , I 'm really glad you were here . Though , yes , you made me a little nervous , but it wasn 't your fault that none of my things worked . I 'll have to inspect it all before trying this again . " Some of my favorite times are my days off just sitting with David on the couch . We do that quite often . We don 't even need to fill the silence with mindless babble either . It 's always nice when you find someone you can just be with and not feel obligated to talk to . Of course it 's not silent every time , we can always find something to talk about . " Oh , I forgot , I invited Sonia over today . She hasn 't actually met you yet and she wanted to , so , anyway she 'll be here soon . " Well who wouldn 't like your spaghetti ? Who wouldn 't like your anything ? You 're an amazing cook . " David complimented . He looked at Rosetta for a moment , then suddenly his cheeks got slightly red and he looked a bit nervous . Rosetta looked at him curiously . Just as she was about to ask what was wrong the doorbell rang . " Oh , that 'll be her . Be right back . " David said " Okay , " and watched her walk toward the door . He let out a breath in a big sigh . ' It 's okay dude , chill . It 'll be alright . ' He told himself . " Hey Sonia ! I 'm glad you could come over . Come on , I 'll introduce you to him . He 's in the den . " Rosetta told her best friend . Sonia and David shook hands and started with the usual small talk . Rosetta offered a game of dominoes with the two of them , and both agreed that it sounded great . After an hour or so , Rosetta excused herself from the game , leaving David and Sonia to finish up while she made dinner . " Actually I 'm not in the mood to play anymore , " David said . " Let 's go in the kitchen with her . " The two of them sat at the table to talk while Rosetta finished up cooking . During dinner Rosetta told David all about when she first moved in here and didn 't really know anyone , then Sonia moved in and the two girls became friends almost instantly . Sonia asked David if she knew any eligible men in town . " Well , no actually , the only guys I know are married . Sorry , Sonia . " David said , then he smiled , " Of course you might find someone who 's not in a happy marriage . " He winked at her . When they finished eating , Sonia and David went to watch television in the den while Rosetta cleaned up the kitchen a little bit . " You doing okay man ? You look a little nervous . " Sonia asked David . " Sorry if I 'm prying , " " Hang on a sec . I have , well I have something for you . " As quick as a flash David hit one knee and popped a box open in front of Rosetta . " This wasn 't originally the setting I intended , but I just don 't want to wait anymore . " " Rosetta , will you marry me ? I want to be with you forever , I 've known that for a long time . I want to be your husband and be there for you always . Marry me ? " The ring sparkled in it 's puffy pillow nestled inside the black box . Rosetta 's mouth dropped open as far as it could . " Dear spirits ! Marry . . oh . . . David wow . Husband ? Marry . . " She realised she was stuttering and not making any sense , so she closed her eyes and mouth and took a deep breath . When she opened her eyes David looked a little concerned . She nodded vigorously , " Yes . Yes ! " I turned to look at Sonia , but realised that she was gone . Then I heard the front door close , and knew that she had left to give us some privacy . So I took advantage of it , I wrapped him in my arms and kissed him again . It 's odd , I 'd never even thought about marrying him before this moment . Even though I 'd not considered it yet , I knew instantly that I wanted to . It felt now like more of my life was complete . We stood there for a while in the den , just holding each other . Smiling , laughing and kissing . It wasn 't too much longer though , that we realized the time was about 2am and we should get to sleep . The two of us went to the bedroom to get ready for the night . I was choosing my pajamas when from behind me David hit me with a pillow . He burst into laughter as I regained my balance , tears of hilarity formed in his eyes . Of course , while his vision was blurry , I grabbed my own pillow and whacked him right back . He was a bit surprised by that , I guess he wasn 't expecting it . Pretty soon feathers were flying and the giggles were spreading as we had our first pillow fight . He got me good a few times , and I him . Somewhere amidst the down flying all over David grabbed me around the waist and basically tossed me on the bed . Still giggling but my senses shocked , I looked at him with surprise . He joined me on the bed , and hovered over me for a moment before leaning down to kiss me . David had never kissed me quite like that before , the man could have melted ice . We 've kissed many times before but something about this was different . He may not have been all the way with a woman before , but apparently he 's had plenty of practice in every other way . I hated to think about it but even Nicholas with all his knowledge didn 't kiss quite this good . David was more gentle , thorough , pleasurable . Every organ in my body rose in temperature . Then , his hand squeezed my hip as he pulled away from the kiss . Actually he was acting like he was a little frustrated , like he wanted to go further but was restraining himself . To be honest I could have ripped his clothes off right then and there , of course out of respect , I didn 't . He helped me into a sitting position before lightly kissing me again . By the next morning , my mind was reeling with nothing but sexual thoughts . I had a fitful night even though it was full of very pleasurable dreams - starring David . I was introduced to how frustrating it is to have a man that you feel you need lying in your room but still not quite fully available . It 's annoying . The first thing I did when my eyes opened to the 4am clock I normally get up to , was step out from my intensely warm blankets and head toward the bathroom . David was still asleep when I passed by and I tried hard to stay quiet enough not to wake him . While turning on the water I attempted to shake the thoughts from my head . Then I did my level best to lower my body temperature in a very long , very cold shower . It helped quite a bit actually . I thought that cold water thing was a myth . Rosetta blow dried her hair , dried off and got dressed . She checked herself in the mirror and applied her makeup . Her thoughts were pretty much back on track to daily life . She didn 't have to work this morning but she was due to give a lesson at the high school about chemistry and she had to get to that pretty soon . When she came out she found David in the living room reading a book . He smiled at her when she came in . " I thought you 'd never come out of that bathroom . I got a call from one of the places I perform for and they want to book me for tomorrow night . They are less than a days drive away , I 'm gonna take the job so I 'll be leaving shortly . Of course , I wasn 't going to leave without saying goodbye though . " David gave her the most romantic hug he had ever given her , his fingers laced through her hair and he pulled her close to him . He smelled what had become his most favorite scent , vanilla . " I really don 't want to go , but no one 's hiring locally yet so I kind of have to . I have to go to my house first to get some things though . " David said . Then he smiled and winked , " Hey , don 't freak out those students today , and don 't give them any information on stink bombs . If you do it 'll all be on your hands when the school gets pranked . " Rosetta laughed and hugged him again before calling a cab and sitting with him while he waited for it . They went their seperate ways when the car arrived . Chemistry wasn 't one of her favorite topics but she knew enough about it to talk to some students . The dialog didn 't take long , but the question and answer time took quite a while . School actually let out at the same time her lecture ended . Rosetta packed up her things while the students filed out . She thought that it went pretty well and hoped that the kids had learned something from her . When she left the school she saw Simon coming up the steps . " Actually I came here to see you , I heard you were lecturing today so I knew where to find you . I came to see if you wanted go to a movie with me tonight . How about it ? " " Oh . Oh . Actually , I 'm going to have to say no , I 'm seeing someone right now . " She was shocked at his sudden interest in dating her , but smiled at him . " Thanks for thinking of me though , I 'm flattered . " " Ah , so Rose is off the market . " Simon smiled back , " I hope he treats you well , you 're worth it . Hey , how did the lecture go anyway ? " Rosetta talked to him briefly before she said that she had to go . She wanted to get to the bookstore before it closed . She gave him a friendly hug before departing his company . So I went into the bookstore to find a new romance novel . I think it 's pretty obvious why I would be looking for that kind of book . I need some kind of outlet , some place to channel my thoughts . Anyway I was also looking for a book called " Game of Thorns " . Not a romance but I 've heard it was a really great mystery . So now I 'll have two new books , one to use as a tool to release pent up thoughts , and one to maybe get my mind OFF those thoughts . I had just checked out and walked out of the door when my cell phone rang . It startled me actually . What surprised me more was that it was David . " David ! Hey . I guess you must be on your way to your show right now . " Rosetta said . " Actually I 'm not . I got all packed and ready , but realized that I am really hungry . So , would you go to dinner with me ? " " Yeah , yes I will . I 'm actually in town at the bookstore , so I 'll meet you at the diner ? Is that okay ? " The two of them had a great dinner of cheese burgers and fries , both with a side of ranch . The waiter dropped the milkshake they were going to share . He offered to pay for a new one for them , but they told him not to , that they had to get going . David took care of the check and left the tip on the table and the two of them left the building . Rosetta looked at David . " You know , I 've been wanting to do something for a while , and actually have stopped myself many times because I thought you might want to wait or something . Well if you do , stop me but I 'm not going to wait anymore . " Rosetta leaned forward and pressed her lips to his , finally giving in to that kiss she 's been dying to feel . She could feel his surprise , but thankfully after that she felt a response . She was happy he didn 't stop her , that he kissed her back . Once David realized what she was intending he smiled internally , feeling a small release of tension he didn 't notice he had been carrying . He had been thinking of ways to make her smile every day , make her feel wanted and make her feel that he 's the one who wants her , but he had forgotten the one thing that might do that best . When she pulled away he smiled and put his hands along her jawline , then he pulled her closer and kissed her more deeply . I 'm as giddy as a school girl . He finally kissed me . Grant it I did have to give him a little push , as my best friend had said he might have needed , but that 's okay . His lips are so soft , so perfect . We 've been dating a few months now , and since that first ice - breaking kiss we 've shared many many more . I am happy to admit , to only myself for the time being , that I am totally in love with this man and want to marry him . I would be more than happy to tell him , I just need that right moment . Velina dropped by the house one afternoon , surprising Rosetta . These two girls had become very good friends through their job and hung out together often outside of the work place . Velina had taken a while to open up , but once she did she was quite likable . She wasn 't really as stuck up as Rosetta had originally thought . Rosetta offered to make a light lunch while the two of them visited . She had started making a salad when Velina spoke . " I came by to talk to you about your bad attitude . " Velina said , then she laughed at Rosetta 's shocked expression . " Honey , don 't try and deny it . You 've been quite a grump at work , or I should say you get angered easily . You 're so . . . uh , what 's the word I 'm looking for . . . Touchy ? On edge , easily irritable ? " Rosetta sighed , " Oh , that . Yeah I know . Really , I 'm sorry . I can 't help it . I 'm not sure what 's come over me . " Velina looked at her friend and smiled . " I think I know exactly what 's ' come over you ' . You 're dating my brother in law . That 's what it is . " Rosetta looked questioningly at Velina while handing her a plate of salad . The two girls had sat down to eat when she said , " I 'm confused . What does that have to do with anything ? " Velina grinned again , then shook her head . " David is old fashioned . Really old fashioned in certain ways . Since I know him , and I know that - I also know he hasn 't taken you to bed yet . " She watched blush rise to Rosetta 's cheeks and embarrassment cross her face . Velina swallowed a bite of her food before continuing , " He won 't either , you know . Not until you share some wedding vows . So don 't look for it . I 'm trying not to blurt this out , but it 's coming out that way anyway , sorry about that . " Rosetta tried to say something but nothing came out . She wasn 't really sure what to say , but then she chuckled a little . " It all makes sense now . I guess I should have figured that out sooner . " " What I 'm saying is - if you are going to continue seeing him - you better find some way to um , ' entertain ' yourself before you become more of a timebomb . At least for myself and your workmates sake ! " Velina smiled at Rosetta , " Just trying to help . I know you like him , a lot , and I don 't think you 'd leave over something so small but I also know from stuff you 've told me that you 've been active before . I know it 's hard to give it up once you 've experienced it in full , you know ? Which is probably why you 've been irritable . So . . . yeah . " She laughed aloud , " Sorry , I 'm really not sure what to say past that point . " A few weeks have passed since my conversation with Velina and now that I understood more what David was about , something that I had actually been to afraid to approach , it was easier to handle . At least now I know it 's not me . I thought for a bit that maybe he didn 't want me in that way , but now I get it . He 's actually coming over to my house today and I have a big surprise for him . I hope he says yes . David came to Rosetta 's house as planned and he told her all about his latest tour . He also told her that it would be his last out of town . He found some new places around that need entertainers and he already spoke to them about being in their lineup . " So I 'm really thrilled that I don 't have to travel so much ! I 'll save on gas for sure but more importantly , I 'll see you way more often . " David was all smiles , he was truly happy that he could finally work in town . " That is awesome . I 'm happy for you . Happy for me too , because we 'll see each other more . " Rosetta giggled . " It did bug me when you had to leave . " " Oh no , no , no . A home cooked meal from you would be so much better anyway . You hungry ? Let 's get to it . " Rosetta smiled , " Yes , perfect . I was wondering though , " Rosetta paused as she looked down at her feet for a moment . She looked back at him so she could see his reaction , " Would you like to . . . would you consider moving in with me ? " David blinked . Only a moment passed before a grin broke his face , " Yeah , yeah I would . That would be . . yes , yes I will . I want to . " He sputtered out the words so quickly that he barely heard them himself . David knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and this was just another step toward that . He was ready to start that part of his life . After work one day , my taxi had almost arrived at my place when I told the cabbie to stop and let me out . I had seen David on the side of the road and couldn 't pass up the opportunity to talk to him . It took me three times of telling that driver to stop before his deaf self heard me . I guess I was just impatiently excited . I threw some money at the guy and hopped out of the car quicker than a bunny avoiding a fox to meet David . The last time I saw him was when he stayed at my house . Oh , that night was fabulous . Except when I got sick . That wasn 't so great . I 'm thinking it was some bad meat or something in my stew surprise . I did get worried enough to take a test , man was I relieved when that stick said ' not pregnant ' ! I have no clue what I would have done in that situation . " Hey Rose ! " David said happily . " Hey , you know . . . We made a date once a while back that we haven 't fulfilled yet ! I was just there but I can always go back . " Rose looked at him with confusion . " The graveyard silly , I told you once that I 'd take you fishing in the graveyard . Come on lets go now . You 're not busy are you ? " Rose laughed . " Oh yes , yes , I remember now . We did agree on that didn 't we ? Well might as well , we 're right here , no I 'm not busy at all . " " I 'll race you ! " David said immediately taking off at a dead run toward the cemetery . Rosetta and David entered the gates and walked to the mausoleum . David offered his hand and said , " Shall I give you a tour Madame ? " In his best french accent . She nodded and took his hand . The two walked in together to take a look around . While they were in there David showed her around looking at random things . There were gems in there and of course Urns and coffins . Spider webs and spiders galore and even a bat or two . The bats actually dropped down off of the ceiling and made Rosetta jump . David chuckled at her just a little before giving her a reassuring squeeze of his hand which did make her feel better . After that though , he started to take her to the exit . " Wow . That was . . . something . " Rosetta said when they left . " Did you see all those mice ! ? I don 't like mice much . Well , I 'm okay with them as long as they don 't come near me . That was fun though . " She smiled at David . " Yeah , I go in there pretty often . Even so , being in there so much , there are still things that make me jump . " He winked at her and smiled , " You ready to go fishing now ? I know you know how . There 's some cool fish in that pond back there . " He gestured with his thumb to the area behind the mausoleum , " Especially after dark . " The two of them pulled out some fishing poles and cast their lines into the water . They talked , but only a little so as not to scare any fish away . Standing there , changing bait every 10 minutes or so and casting back in , they didn 't even get one bite . David was disappointed in the severe lack of interesting fish , but still was highly enjoying himself . " You know , this stinks . I think I must have cleaned it out already . " David admitted . Then he laughed , " Well I guess I 'll have to give the ones left some time to make more , yeah ? " Rosetta giggled as she pulled her fishing line back so she could put her pole away . " Ah , no big deal I 'm sure this isn 't the last time we 'll come . " David came up to her and put his hands on hers . " I hope not . " Standing there with him was so enjoyable . I never thought having a date in a graveyard could be so special to me , romantic even . I was having so much fun , and didn 't want to leave at all . All good things must come to and end though right ? Yeah . Work sucks . I thought for a second about staying with him and calling out the next day , but I really need the money . I 've had quite a few things done to my house and had a very large bill racked up to pay . Rosetta sighed , looking at David adoringly yet sorrowfully . " Well I really hate to go , but I do have work in the morning and it 's gotten pretty late . " She stepped a little closer to him , " Can I call you tomorrow ? " " I would hate it if you didn 't . " David said to her . He reache up and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear . " In the morning I 'll be leaving on a tour for a few days - possibly a week . I 'll have my cell of course though , so you can call anytime . " Rosetta nodded and smiled . The two embraced in a warm hug , squeezing tight before bidding each other goodnight . A few days later , on her next day off , Rosetta went to see her best friend . Sonia was happy to see her and even more thrilled to hear that Rosetta and David had had their first ' date ' . " Sonia I want so much to kiss him , or something like that . You just don 't know . I just wanted to take this a little differently though . Almost all of my previous relationships I 've been the one to make the first real move , you know ? Except for . . . well I don 't wanna talk about him . That wasn 't even a relationship . " She scoffed , " Anyway , all those previous relationships didn 't last . I don 't want to mess this up , so I 'm going to wait for him to do it . " Sonia considered what her friend said . " Well it 's always good to take it slow , but sometimes guys need just a little push . Maybe he 's afraid you aren 't ready or something . " " I am pretty sure he knows I 'm interested in him . I don 't think even the blindest bat could miss that . Honestly I think he has more patience then me though . " The only thing I didn 't tell Sonia about was my more private urges . Oh man . The longest I had been without any physical activities , was when i moved here . I had basically gotten over that when Nicholas came barging into my house , not complaining , but he woke those sensations up . Now , with David being so amazing and emotionally fulfilling I 'm feeling those urges and I just don 't know how to lock them up again ! I want him , I want to know him physically as well as intellectually I 'm not sure how long I can keep up the ' waiting for him to move first ' thing . It 's getting frustrating . Six days after David went on his tour he called Rosetta and told her that he was on his way back home . Rosetta was very happy to get his call , and also happy to realize that she was the first thing on his mind when he was off work . Only a few hours after the phone call , Rosetta was out getting a few groceries . She had finished her shopping and had just hailed a cab when she spotted David running down the other side of the street . He saw her at the same time and stopped . " Hey , I figured you wouldn 't be home for another couple of hours . It 's great to see you . " She said after crossing the street to meet him . The two shared a hug . Rosetta felt his strong hands on her back and reveled in the affection and safety that she felt . David pulled her tight to him and breathed in her scent . She always smelt so good to him , reminding him of vanilla . The evening air had a slight chill , and her body felt warm against his . He could have held that hug for an hour if she 'd let him , but he let her go . David smiled at her . " Of course I would . As long as you don 't mind me crunching on some nachos . They 're my favorite movie snack ! " During the drive , David was sure to point out the moon coming up over the horizon . He was always a big fan of full moon nights . They always filled him with a vigor he couldn 't find anywhere else . Sharing a night such as this with Rosetta made it even better than usual . " Look at that ! It 's so beautiful ! " Rosetta exclaimed . " I don 't think I 've ever paid attention before . That 's so amazing . " Her eyes were fixed on the moon until the car stopped . Rosetta was pulled along by him , but went willingly . Both of them sat in the grass . David spoke up after they got comfortable , " So long as you don 't mind the freaks and creepy creatures that come out on these nights you 'll be fine . " " Hey , I 'm one of those freaks . " David winked and smiled wide , " Maybe only on the light side of course , just a little nutty . Nothing compared to a werewolf or zombie or anything ! " Rosetta didn 't say that she didn 't believe in werewolves and witches and things , because she really didn 't have an opinion on them - she had never seen any though . She smiled , and just a bit sarcastically replied , " Well you 're really scaring me , what am I do to ? How am I to sleep ? " He did just that too . He did actually get me a little nervous to be on my own . I had heard tales of zombies or werewolves around this town coming out on certain nights , plenty of them . Of course , I 'm a firm believer in proof and , having none , it 's hard for me to think such things exist . After all I 'm a science nerd , I like hard facts . I can 't help that . Oh , but with him saying these things , he makes me want to believe them . He makes me want to need him . Need him here with me to protect me . We played Dominoes that night . I feel like that 's ' our ' game . Something we share . We talked well into the night . He told me stories that he had heard about the random creatures on full moon nights , spooky stories and also just tales of his tours to other places . By the end of the night , we pulled out his sleeping bag and I put it in my bedroom next to my bed just so he could be closer to me . He didn 't actually want to sleep in the bed , or I would have let him do that . When he said goodnight to me he put his hands on my hips and he felt so good . I ran my fingers through his hair and wanted to kiss him so bad , but I didn 't . I 'm sticking to my guns on this one . I think . What another great night . This man I spend these wonderful nights with has stolen my heart right from my chest . |
Will you venture all the way to the beginning ? Or maybe you 'll start with the next post ? Whichever you do - enjoy the story ! Feel free to comment and follow , all of it is appreciated . We took about a two days to move David into my house , our house . He didn 't have many things so it was a pretty quick transfer . He was sure to grab all of his family pictures , ribbons from school and magic equipment . Most of his stuff all fit in my room , which he would now share with me . He had sold all of his furniture because I already had everything we need . It only took us about a week to fall into a pattern such as couples who have lived together for years have . David was very helpful around the house , and even helped me in the garden . Every morning I make breakfast and after we eat , while I put the leftovers away , he 'd load the dishwasher . Then we both take to watering and weeding . Most times we 're still in the garden when my carpool arrives for work . While I 'm gone he practices his magic act . I come home and we have dinner together then normally get into a game or two of dominoes . A couple of times we went out to dinner or a movie , but most times just are together at home . It was almost too perfect . Kind of disturbingly so . I never really thought it would be this easy . Rosetta came home from working late one day and when she walked through the door , David whipped his wand out and turned it into a bouquet of flowers . " Flowers my lady ? " He asked her . " Lovely , but not as perfect as yourself . " When she walked up to take the flowers , David made them disappear and grabbed her hand instead , pulling her into his arms so he could kiss her . She hadn 't stepped out of his arms yet when she looked at him , " You 're simply the best guy ever . " " Well I 'm glad I can please you so much . " David said , then he chuckled under his breath , " Now , how about I saw you in half ? I need practice on that . Care to be a lovely assistant ? " Rosetta looked a little leery , " I think I 'll pass on that one , I like my body whole . It 's been a tough and long day at work , I 'm beat and ready for bed actually . " David and Rosetta brushed their teeth and got into bed together . David slept shirtless this night because it was pretty warm out . The cool sheets felt very satisfying on his bare skin . Once his girl got into her spot and her favorite falling asleep position , he slid over and curled up behind her . " As do you my love . Truly . " He whispered back . David kissed her shoulder gently then snuggled his head at the base of her neck . Before they started living together , and even once afterward , Rosetta had tried to initiate a little woohoo between the two of them , but David avoided it . The truth was that he could have given in at any time , and actually wanted to , but he really just wanted to make sure that both of them were in it for the long run first . David had dated a couple of women in his life , though it never went that far . The girls he had been seeing tried a few times to get him between the sheets , but he never felt comfortable enough to give his full self to them . When he said that he wanted to wait , it wasn 't much longer that the relationship ended and he was glad he hadn 't given in . As he was falling asleep David was thinking about Rosetta , how much he really did love her , and how she was the first one to stay with him even after he had denied her advances a few times . It pleased him to know that physical connection wasn 't at the top of her list of importance in a relationship . The only people who had ever taught him about love were his parents , and he actually wanted nothing less than what they had together . He didn 't want to settle , he wanted everything . From the beginning , he had felt that he could have it all with Rosetta and he was shooting for it . David drifted into sleep and dreamt of his family , of the love everyone had shared and of him having the same . Rosetta dreamt of something entirely different . Hers were slightly disturbing . She dreamt of a large , long pool and herself standing on a diving board at one end of it . The sun shone down brightly and birds sung in the background . She was smiling as she dove off , head first , into the cool clear waters below . When she went under it felt great , refreshing yet shocking . She was attempting to swim the length of the pool underwater , trying to reach the wall beyond . Unfortunately she had to come up for air . Her head broke through the top of the water and as she gasped for a breath the entire scene changed . Clouds rolled in the sky and it started to rain . The walls of the pool were closer than before , and the water not so clear . Trying to get out , she started to swim toward the edge , but then realized it was right in front of her , the pool wasn 't long anymore - it was a tiny square . That startled her awake , she sat up in the bed and checked for David , he was there right next to her , sound asleep . It was just a few hours later when David awoke and found Rosetta in the kitchen already making his favorite breakfast , pancakes . " You 're up awful early . It 's only 4 : 30am . I thought you were off work today ? " Rosetta put the plate of pancakes on the counter and turned to hug him . " I am . I just , had some weird dreams and couldn 't sleep anymore . Are you ready to eat or would you like a shower first ? " Even though it 's been a while since he moved in , I think I 'm feeling the true differences only recently . I 'm not saying that I mind him being here , I don 't . I love it . Though I have to say , it 's really different having to cook for two instead of just myself , or make sure I don 't take forever in the shower because someone else needs it too . Maybe I just need to get out . It 's been a while since we went out together . " So I was thinking , since it is my day off , lets go somewhere . We haven 't been to Mike 's in a while . How about it ? " Rosetta offered . " Sure , that sounds great . I 'll kick your butt in some pool . " David glance out the window . " Of course , they don 't open until 9 I think , so we have a good amount of time . " Rosetta and David were at Mike 's Master Karaoke by noon , and planned to spend most of the day out . The two of them had a few juices downstairs , and listened to some singers , most of them were actually pretty good . The bad ones usually only come out at night , and only sing after they 've had a few too many drinks . A couple hours later they walked around the block to the diner to have a little lunch before going right back to Mike 's . When they came back they went upstairs to play pool for a little while . Both of them were having fun just being with each other , especially being out of the house , it seemed each of them was a little stir crazy . Rosetta was a bit more so than David . It felt good to be out . " Hey , that 's cheating . You 're distracting me with your cuteness . " Rosetta said to David . " Though I have to say , that is quite an interesting outfit you 've chosen to play in . Maybe you did that on purpose ? " David smiled , " I 'll never tell . Nice break by the way , my shot . Excuse me little lady , I need some room to perform my fabulous feats ! " ' Fabulous feats ' wasn 't actually an exaggeration , David was really good at pool and Rosetta was truly impressed . He sunk four of his own before he missed and it was her turn . She was pretty sure that he missed on purpose , just so he wouldn 't show her up too much . They played two full games , David winning both , before going off to do other things . Mike 's had a photo booth and they couldn 't resist taking some funny pictures before leaving . They also took some romantic shots and planned to hang both sets on the wall at home . David was big on having pictures , which Rosetta had discovered when he moved in . A few weeks passed and David had gotten his first gig in town for a magic act . He was thrilled , and Rosetta shared his enthusiasm . She had tried to tell him at one point that it wasn 't necessary for him to work , with the money she made from her job both of them lived comfortably . He had told her that it wasn 't about the pay at all , he just really enjoyed pleasing a crowd and doing magic . It was about the fun . Rosetta made sure she called her work and told them that she was leaving early so she could be there for his first performance . She wouldn 't have missed it for the world . Unfortunately during his act she felt that she was more a distraction than a help . She watched as he tried to pull something out of his hat , but there was nothing in there . His eyes kept falling on her . Rosetta smiled and cheered for him to keep going , that she wanted to see more , even though the rest of the crowd sighed whenever anything failed . David tried to make some doves appear and fly , but the only thing that showed up was a handful of feathers . He glanced at Rosetta and tried to smile . Again the crowd sighed , and one or two booed him . Rosetta threw her hands up and cheered anyway . Then he tried to turn his wand into flowers , the oldest trick in the book , but it just wouldn 't do it . Aggravated the threw the wand down on the stage and stomped on it with his foot . The only thing that had worked properly for him was making some cards appear from thin air . He tried to do that same trick again , but the majority of the crowd was bored with that . Pretty soon watchers started to leave , saying it was the worst show they 'd ever seen . Rosetta made her way up to the stage . She wasn 't blind to the fact that he was highly nervous and expected that it was mostly her fault . Maybe she shouldn 't have come to watch , or at least shouldn 't have let him know she was there . Before he could continue she pressed her lips to his , kissing him until he relaxed in her arms . " No honey , you were just nervous . Everything will be perfect . You were perfect . I 'm sorry if I made you uneasy . " David smiled . " Thanks Rose , you 're sweet . No , I 'm really glad you were here . Though , yes , you made me a little nervous , but it wasn 't your fault that none of my things worked . I 'll have to inspect it all before trying this again . " Some of my favorite times are my days off just sitting with David on the couch . We do that quite often . We don 't even need to fill the silence with mindless babble either . It 's always nice when you find someone you can just be with and not feel obligated to talk to . Of course it 's not silent every time , we can always find something to talk about . " Oh , I forgot , I invited Sonia over today . She hasn 't actually met you yet and she wanted to , so , anyway she 'll be here soon . " Well who wouldn 't like your spaghetti ? Who wouldn 't like your anything ? You 're an amazing cook . " David complimented . He looked at Rosetta for a moment , then suddenly his cheeks got slightly red and he looked a bit nervous . Rosetta looked at him curiously . Just as she was about to ask what was wrong the doorbell rang . " Oh , that 'll be her . Be right back . " David said " Okay , " and watched her walk toward the door . He let out a breath in a big sigh . ' It 's okay dude , chill . It 'll be alright . ' He told himself . " Hey Sonia ! I 'm glad you could come over . Come on , I 'll introduce you to him . He 's in the den . " Rosetta told her best friend . Sonia and David shook hands and started with the usual small talk . Rosetta offered a game of dominoes with the two of them , and both agreed that it sounded great . After an hour or so , Rosetta excused herself from the game , leaving David and Sonia to finish up while she made dinner . " Actually I 'm not in the mood to play anymore , " David said . " Let 's go in the kitchen with her . " The two of them sat at the table to talk while Rosetta finished up cooking . During dinner Rosetta told David all about when she first moved in here and didn 't really know anyone , then Sonia moved in and the two girls became friends almost instantly . Sonia asked David if she knew any eligible men in town . " Well , no actually , the only guys I know are married . Sorry , Sonia . " David said , then he smiled , " Of course you might find someone who 's not in a happy marriage . " He winked at her . When they finished eating , Sonia and David went to watch television in the den while Rosetta cleaned up the kitchen a little bit . " You doing okay man ? You look a little nervous . " Sonia asked David . " Sorry if I 'm prying , " " Hang on a sec . I have , well I have something for you . " As quick as a flash David hit one knee and popped a box open in front of Rosetta . " This wasn 't originally the setting I intended , but I just don 't want to wait anymore . " " Rosetta , will you marry me ? I want to be with you forever , I 've known that for a long time . I want to be your husband and be there for you always . Marry me ? " The ring sparkled in it 's puffy pillow nestled inside the black box . Rosetta 's mouth dropped open as far as it could . " Dear spirits ! Marry . . oh . . . David wow . Husband ? Marry . . " She realised she was stuttering and not making any sense , so she closed her eyes and mouth and took a deep breath . When she opened her eyes David looked a little concerned . She nodded vigorously , " Yes . Yes ! " I turned to look at Sonia , but realised that she was gone . Then I heard the front door close , and knew that she had left to give us some privacy . So I took advantage of it , I wrapped him in my arms and kissed him again . It 's odd , I 'd never even thought about marrying him before this moment . Even though I 'd not considered it yet , I knew instantly that I wanted to . It felt now like more of my life was complete . We stood there for a while in the den , just holding each other . Smiling , laughing and kissing . It wasn 't too much longer though , that we realized the time was about 2am and we should get to sleep . The two of us went to the bedroom to get ready for the night . I was choosing my pajamas when from behind me David hit me with a pillow . He burst into laughter as I regained my balance , tears of hilarity formed in his eyes . Of course , while his vision was blurry , I grabbed my own pillow and whacked him right back . He was a bit surprised by that , I guess he wasn 't expecting it . Pretty soon feathers were flying and the giggles were spreading as we had our first pillow fight . He got me good a few times , and I him . Somewhere amidst the down flying all over David grabbed me around the waist and basically tossed me on the bed . Still giggling but my senses shocked , I looked at him with surprise . He joined me on the bed , and hovered over me for a moment before leaning down to kiss me . David had never kissed me quite like that before , the man could have melted ice . We 've kissed many times before but something about this was different . He may not have been all the way with a woman before , but apparently he 's had plenty of practice in every other way . I hated to think about it but even Nicholas with all his knowledge didn 't kiss quite this good . David was more gentle , thorough , pleasurable . Every organ in my body rose in temperature . Then , his hand squeezed my hip as he pulled away from the kiss . Actually he was acting like he was a little frustrated , like he wanted to go further but was restraining himself . To be honest I could have ripped his clothes off right then and there , of course out of respect , I didn 't . He helped me into a sitting position before lightly kissing me again . By the next morning , my mind was reeling with nothing but sexual thoughts . I had a fitful night even though it was full of very pleasurable dreams - starring David . I was introduced to how frustrating it is to have a man that you feel you need lying in your room but still not quite fully available . It 's annoying . The first thing I did when my eyes opened to the 4am clock I normally get up to , was step out from my intensely warm blankets and head toward the bathroom . David was still asleep when I passed by and I tried hard to stay quiet enough not to wake him . While turning on the water I attempted to shake the thoughts from my head . Then I did my level best to lower my body temperature in a very long , very cold shower . It helped quite a bit actually . I thought that cold water thing was a myth . Rosetta blow dried her hair , dried off and got dressed . She checked herself in the mirror and applied her makeup . Her thoughts were pretty much back on track to daily life . She didn 't have to work this morning but she was due to give a lesson at the high school about chemistry and she had to get to that pretty soon . When she came out she found David in the living room reading a book . He smiled at her when she came in . " I thought you 'd never come out of that bathroom . I got a call from one of the places I perform for and they want to book me for tomorrow night . They are less than a days drive away , I 'm gonna take the job so I 'll be leaving shortly . Of course , I wasn 't going to leave without saying goodbye though . " David gave her the most romantic hug he had ever given her , his fingers laced through her hair and he pulled her close to him . He smelled what had become his most favorite scent , vanilla . " I really don 't want to go , but no one 's hiring locally yet so I kind of have to . I have to go to my house first to get some things though . " David said . Then he smiled and winked , " Hey , don 't freak out those students today , and don 't give them any information on stink bombs . If you do it 'll all be on your hands when the school gets pranked . " Rosetta laughed and hugged him again before calling a cab and sitting with him while he waited for it . They went their seperate ways when the car arrived . Chemistry wasn 't one of her favorite topics but she knew enough about it to talk to some students . The dialog didn 't take long , but the question and answer time took quite a while . School actually let out at the same time her lecture ended . Rosetta packed up her things while the students filed out . She thought that it went pretty well and hoped that the kids had learned something from her . When she left the school she saw Simon coming up the steps . " Actually I came here to see you , I heard you were lecturing today so I knew where to find you . I came to see if you wanted go to a movie with me tonight . How about it ? " " Oh . Oh . Actually , I 'm going to have to say no , I 'm seeing someone right now . " She was shocked at his sudden interest in dating her , but smiled at him . " Thanks for thinking of me though , I 'm flattered . " " Ah , so Rose is off the market . " Simon smiled back , " I hope he treats you well , you 're worth it . Hey , how did the lecture go anyway ? " Rosetta talked to him briefly before she said that she had to go . She wanted to get to the bookstore before it closed . She gave him a friendly hug before departing his company . So I went into the bookstore to find a new romance novel . I think it 's pretty obvious why I would be looking for that kind of book . I need some kind of outlet , some place to channel my thoughts . Anyway I was also looking for a book called " Game of Thorns " . Not a romance but I 've heard it was a really great mystery . So now I 'll have two new books , one to use as a tool to release pent up thoughts , and one to maybe get my mind OFF those thoughts . I had just checked out and walked out of the door when my cell phone rang . It startled me actually . What surprised me more was that it was David . " David ! Hey . I guess you must be on your way to your show right now . " Rosetta said . " Actually I 'm not . I got all packed and ready , but realized that I am really hungry . So , would you go to dinner with me ? " " Yeah , yes I will . I 'm actually in town at the bookstore , so I 'll meet you at the diner ? Is that okay ? " The two of them had a great dinner of cheese burgers and fries , both with a side of ranch . The waiter dropped the milkshake they were going to share . He offered to pay for a new one for them , but they told him not to , that they had to get going . David took care of the check and left the tip on the table and the two of them left the building . Rosetta looked at David . " You know , I 've been wanting to do something for a while , and actually have stopped myself many times because I thought you might want to wait or something . Well if you do , stop me but I 'm not going to wait anymore . " Rosetta leaned forward and pressed her lips to his , finally giving in to that kiss she 's been dying to feel . She could feel his surprise , but thankfully after that she felt a response . She was happy he didn 't stop her , that he kissed her back . Once David realized what she was intending he smiled internally , feeling a small release of tension he didn 't notice he had been carrying . He had been thinking of ways to make her smile every day , make her feel wanted and make her feel that he 's the one who wants her , but he had forgotten the one thing that might do that best . When she pulled away he smiled and put his hands along her jawline , then he pulled her closer and kissed her more deeply . I 'm as giddy as a school girl . He finally kissed me . Grant it I did have to give him a little push , as my best friend had said he might have needed , but that 's okay . His lips are so soft , so perfect . We 've been dating a few months now , and since that first ice - breaking kiss we 've shared many many more . I am happy to admit , to only myself for the time being , that I am totally in love with this man and want to marry him . I would be more than happy to tell him , I just need that right moment . Velina dropped by the house one afternoon , surprising Rosetta . These two girls had become very good friends through their job and hung out together often outside of the work place . Velina had taken a while to open up , but once she did she was quite likable . She wasn 't really as stuck up as Rosetta had originally thought . Rosetta offered to make a light lunch while the two of them visited . She had started making a salad when Velina spoke . " I came by to talk to you about your bad attitude . " Velina said , then she laughed at Rosetta 's shocked expression . " Honey , don 't try and deny it . You 've been quite a grump at work , or I should say you get angered easily . You 're so . . . uh , what 's the word I 'm looking for . . . Touchy ? On edge , easily irritable ? " Rosetta sighed , " Oh , that . Yeah I know . Really , I 'm sorry . I can 't help it . I 'm not sure what 's come over me . " Velina looked at her friend and smiled . " I think I know exactly what 's ' come over you ' . You 're dating my brother in law . That 's what it is . " Rosetta looked questioningly at Velina while handing her a plate of salad . The two girls had sat down to eat when she said , " I 'm confused . What does that have to do with anything ? " Velina grinned again , then shook her head . " David is old fashioned . Really old fashioned in certain ways . Since I know him , and I know that - I also know he hasn 't taken you to bed yet . " She watched blush rise to Rosetta 's cheeks and embarrassment cross her face . Velina swallowed a bite of her food before continuing , " He won 't either , you know . Not until you share some wedding vows . So don 't look for it . I 'm trying not to blurt this out , but it 's coming out that way anyway , sorry about that . " Rosetta tried to say something but nothing came out . She wasn 't really sure what to say , but then she chuckled a little . " It all makes sense now . I guess I should have figured that out sooner . " " What I 'm saying is - if you are going to continue seeing him - you better find some way to um , ' entertain ' yourself before you become more of a timebomb . At least for myself and your workmates sake ! " Velina smiled at Rosetta , " Just trying to help . I know you like him , a lot , and I don 't think you 'd leave over something so small but I also know from stuff you 've told me that you 've been active before . I know it 's hard to give it up once you 've experienced it in full , you know ? Which is probably why you 've been irritable . So . . . yeah . " She laughed aloud , " Sorry , I 'm really not sure what to say past that point . " A few weeks have passed since my conversation with Velina and now that I understood more what David was about , something that I had actually been to afraid to approach , it was easier to handle . At least now I know it 's not me . I thought for a bit that maybe he didn 't want me in that way , but now I get it . He 's actually coming over to my house today and I have a big surprise for him . I hope he says yes . David came to Rosetta 's house as planned and he told her all about his latest tour . He also told her that it would be his last out of town . He found some new places around that need entertainers and he already spoke to them about being in their lineup . " So I 'm really thrilled that I don 't have to travel so much ! I 'll save on gas for sure but more importantly , I 'll see you way more often . " David was all smiles , he was truly happy that he could finally work in town . " That is awesome . I 'm happy for you . Happy for me too , because we 'll see each other more . " Rosetta giggled . " It did bug me when you had to leave . " " Oh no , no , no . A home cooked meal from you would be so much better anyway . You hungry ? Let 's get to it . " Rosetta smiled , " Yes , perfect . I was wondering though , " Rosetta paused as she looked down at her feet for a moment . She looked back at him so she could see his reaction , " Would you like to . . . would you consider moving in with me ? " David blinked . Only a moment passed before a grin broke his face , " Yeah , yeah I would . That would be . . yes , yes I will . I want to . " He sputtered out the words so quickly that he barely heard them himself . David knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and this was just another step toward that . He was ready to start that part of his life . After work one day , my taxi had almost arrived at my place when I told the cabbie to stop and let me out . I had seen David on the side of the road and couldn 't pass up the opportunity to talk to him . It took me three times of telling that driver to stop before his deaf self heard me . I guess I was just impatiently excited . I threw some money at the guy and hopped out of the car quicker than a bunny avoiding a fox to meet David . The last time I saw him was when he stayed at my house . Oh , that night was fabulous . Except when I got sick . That wasn 't so great . I 'm thinking it was some bad meat or something in my stew surprise . I did get worried enough to take a test , man was I relieved when that stick said ' not pregnant ' ! I have no clue what I would have done in that situation . " Hey Rose ! " David said happily . " Hey , you know . . . We made a date once a while back that we haven 't fulfilled yet ! I was just there but I can always go back . " Rose looked at him with confusion . " The graveyard silly , I told you once that I 'd take you fishing in the graveyard . Come on lets go now . You 're not busy are you ? " Rose laughed . " Oh yes , yes , I remember now . We did agree on that didn 't we ? Well might as well , we 're right here , no I 'm not busy at all . " " I 'll race you ! " David said immediately taking off at a dead run toward the cemetery . Rosetta and David entered the gates and walked to the mausoleum . David offered his hand and said , " Shall I give you a tour Madame ? " In his best french accent . She nodded and took his hand . The two walked in together to take a look around . While they were in there David showed her around looking at random things . There were gems in there and of course Urns and coffins . Spider webs and spiders galore and even a bat or two . The bats actually dropped down off of the ceiling and made Rosetta jump . David chuckled at her just a little before giving her a reassuring squeeze of his hand which did make her feel better . After that though , he started to take her to the exit . " Wow . That was . . . something . " Rosetta said when they left . " Did you see all those mice ! ? I don 't like mice much . Well , I 'm okay with them as long as they don 't come near me . That was fun though . " She smiled at David . " Yeah , I go in there pretty often . Even so , being in there so much , there are still things that make me jump . " He winked at her and smiled , " You ready to go fishing now ? I know you know how . There 's some cool fish in that pond back there . " He gestured with his thumb to the area behind the mausoleum , " Especially after dark . " The two of them pulled out some fishing poles and cast their lines into the water . They talked , but only a little so as not to scare any fish away . Standing there , changing bait every 10 minutes or so and casting back in , they didn 't even get one bite . David was disappointed in the severe lack of interesting fish , but still was highly enjoying himself . " You know , this stinks . I think I must have cleaned it out already . " David admitted . Then he laughed , " Well I guess I 'll have to give the ones left some time to make more , yeah ? " Rosetta giggled as she pulled her fishing line back so she could put her pole away . " Ah , no big deal I 'm sure this isn 't the last time we 'll come . " David came up to her and put his hands on hers . " I hope not . " Standing there with him was so enjoyable . I never thought having a date in a graveyard could be so special to me , romantic even . I was having so much fun , and didn 't want to leave at all . All good things must come to and end though right ? Yeah . Work sucks . I thought for a second about staying with him and calling out the next day , but I really need the money . I 've had quite a few things done to my house and had a very large bill racked up to pay . Rosetta sighed , looking at David adoringly yet sorrowfully . " Well I really hate to go , but I do have work in the morning and it 's gotten pretty late . " She stepped a little closer to him , " Can I call you tomorrow ? " " I would hate it if you didn 't . " David said to her . He reache up and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear . " In the morning I 'll be leaving on a tour for a few days - possibly a week . I 'll have my cell of course though , so you can call anytime . " Rosetta nodded and smiled . The two embraced in a warm hug , squeezing tight before bidding each other goodnight . A few days later , on her next day off , Rosetta went to see her best friend . Sonia was happy to see her and even more thrilled to hear that Rosetta and David had had their first ' date ' . " Sonia I want so much to kiss him , or something like that . You just don 't know . I just wanted to take this a little differently though . Almost all of my previous relationships I 've been the one to make the first real move , you know ? Except for . . . well I don 't wanna talk about him . That wasn 't even a relationship . " She scoffed , " Anyway , all those previous relationships didn 't last . I don 't want to mess this up , so I 'm going to wait for him to do it . " Sonia considered what her friend said . " Well it 's always good to take it slow , but sometimes guys need just a little push . Maybe he 's afraid you aren 't ready or something . " " I am pretty sure he knows I 'm interested in him . I don 't think even the blindest bat could miss that . Honestly I think he has more patience then me though . " The only thing I didn 't tell Sonia about was my more private urges . Oh man . The longest I had been without any physical activities , was when i moved here . I had basically gotten over that when Nicholas came barging into my house , not complaining , but he woke those sensations up . Now , with David being so amazing and emotionally fulfilling I 'm feeling those urges and I just don 't know how to lock them up again ! I want him , I want to know him physically as well as intellectually I 'm not sure how long I can keep up the ' waiting for him to move first ' thing . It 's getting frustrating . Six days after David went on his tour he called Rosetta and told her that he was on his way back home . Rosetta was very happy to get his call , and also happy to realize that she was the first thing on his mind when he was off work . Only a few hours after the phone call , Rosetta was out getting a few groceries . She had finished her shopping and had just hailed a cab when she spotted David running down the other side of the street . He saw her at the same time and stopped . " Hey , I figured you wouldn 't be home for another couple of hours . It 's great to see you . " She said after crossing the street to meet him . The two shared a hug . Rosetta felt his strong hands on her back and reveled in the affection and safety that she felt . David pulled her tight to him and breathed in her scent . She always smelt so good to him , reminding him of vanilla . The evening air had a slight chill , and her body felt warm against his . He could have held that hug for an hour if she 'd let him , but he let her go . David smiled at her . " Of course I would . As long as you don 't mind me crunching on some nachos . They 're my favorite movie snack ! " During the drive , David was sure to point out the moon coming up over the horizon . He was always a big fan of full moon nights . They always filled him with a vigor he couldn 't find anywhere else . Sharing a night such as this with Rosetta made it even better than usual . " Look at that ! It 's so beautiful ! " Rosetta exclaimed . " I don 't think I 've ever paid attention before . That 's so amazing . " Her eyes were fixed on the moon until the car stopped . Rosetta was pulled along by him , but went willingly . Both of them sat in the grass . David spoke up after they got comfortable , " So long as you don 't mind the freaks and creepy creatures that come out on these nights you 'll be fine . " " Hey , I 'm one of those freaks . " David winked and smiled wide , " Maybe only on the light side of course , just a little nutty . Nothing compared to a werewolf or zombie or anything ! " Rosetta didn 't say that she didn 't believe in werewolves and witches and things , because she really didn 't have an opinion on them - she had never seen any though . She smiled , and just a bit sarcastically replied , " Well you 're really scaring me , what am I do to ? How am I to sleep ? " He did just that too . He did actually get me a little nervous to be on my own . I had heard tales of zombies or werewolves around this town coming out on certain nights , plenty of them . Of course , I 'm a firm believer in proof and , having none , it 's hard for me to think such things exist . After all I 'm a science nerd , I like hard facts . I can 't help that . Oh , but with him saying these things , he makes me want to believe them . He makes me want to need him . Need him here with me to protect me . We played Dominoes that night . I feel like that 's ' our ' game . Something we share . We talked well into the night . He told me stories that he had heard about the random creatures on full moon nights , spooky stories and also just tales of his tours to other places . By the end of the night , we pulled out his sleeping bag and I put it in my bedroom next to my bed just so he could be closer to me . He didn 't actually want to sleep in the bed , or I would have let him do that . When he said goodnight to me he put his hands on my hips and he felt so good . I ran my fingers through his hair and wanted to kiss him so bad , but I didn 't . I 'm sticking to my guns on this one . I think . What another great night . This man I spend these wonderful nights with has stolen my heart right from my chest . |
" Everyone has scars , whether they are physical or emotional , there 's really no difference between the two . Both are painful reminders of something that happened that should have been avoided , whether it 's a scar obtained by burning metal from an explosion , or a scar in your mind as a harsh thought of what could have been but had been lost . Some last a short time , some fade over a long time , and some stick with you for the rest of your life . " " I 'm fine , Tom . I 've just been thinking of things . " Annabelle smiled , she didn 't want to tell Tom about the dream she had , he had enough going on with the upcoming eclipse . Still , she couldn 't get over what she had dreamed about . It had been a week since she had it and every once in a while she would turn around thinking Gabriel was nearby ready to pull one of his goofball pranks , then she realized he wouldn 't , he 'd never do it . That made her sad , but the idea of her daughter Keera being there for real helped her cope . After standing for a minute or two , Annabelle walked through the living room of her home , looking at all the wonderful people she called her family . Scarlett was " ooh " - ing as Mirabelle did a magic trick in front of her , Kelly was chatting with Tom , and John and Keera were joking around about something they whispered to each other with smiles on their faces . To Annabelle , this wasn 't a normal family , but it was a great family . After finishing his chat with Kelly , Tom walked over to Annie , making sure , again , if she was alright . Annabelle nodded and said " I do have a bit of a headache from the blast a week ago , but I 'll be fine , don 't worry . I 'll just take a bit of a walk to get rid of it . " Annabelle shook her head , and said " I 'll be alright , just need a walk . Besides , everyone aside from me is busy today . Kelly and Keera are going to the top of the mountain , John and Mirabelle are going to the library to research the Genie lamp , and you and Scarlett are going to look for wedding stuff . . . a little hint : pick a lot of red items . " she said , sarcastically . Annabelle smiled and leaned in close . " Don 't worry , I will not let anything happen to me . Besides , I 've already endured enough in my life , what more could possibly happen ? . . . you know what don 't answer that . " " You 're worried about her , aren 't you ? " Scarlett asked , sitting in the passenger seat of Tom 's car as they made their way through the town . The roads were easy to navigate , it being a Saturday , and Tom had decided that the back roads were more a proper choice to drive on . " Who ? Annabelle ? Of course I am ! She needs me , and the family right now when she 's going through these troubling times . I am trying to see where she walked to but this city is so covered in flora it 's hard to pick out what 's a bush and what 's her . Don 't uh . . . don 't tell her I said that . Anyway she needs me , like I need her . " " It 's more than that , Tom . I know it , I know you . You love her . " Scarlett had never been one to skirt around the point , always going straight at with her her hands at it 's throat . " I know this because I see you when she 's around , it 's the same look , the same body language in John 's face when I walk into the room . I noticed this a long time ago when we were teens , and made my move , now we 're shopping for wedding cakes . Why didn 't you make your move , Tom ? " " I don 't know if I 'm good enough for her . " Tom said , bluntly . " She 's is literally out of this world , and I 'm just . . . stuck on Earth . " " Tom , you 're good enough for Annie . You don 't see that but I do . You are a wonderful person ! Besides , have you ever ASKED if Annabelle thinks you 're not good enough for her ? I mean seriously . I know the answer is ' no ' , I know you two are perfect for each other . ' Tom and Annabelle ' is about a common phrase around the house as ' peanut butter and bananas , with chocolate syrup ' . " " Oh well , um . . . I was just thinking of something that I like . I 've been looking at a lot of food lately . Maybe pre - wedding jitters or something . " Scarlett then stopped herself . " But that 's beside the point . My question for you is . . . have you ever wondered what it would be like to have settled down with Annie , to marry her and have a few kids ? Have you ever wondered that ? " Tom sighed , looking out ahead of him . " All the damn time . . . " " You 're not very chatty today , are you Keera ? " Kelly asked , looking over at her . Keera was busy looking at the mausoleum , watching in case anyone came or went inside with a stern look on her face . Since she didn 't respond , Kelly continued talking . " It 's just like the other night all over again . " " . . . Well I went into Annabelle 's room while she was sleeping , and talked to her . Told her what was in my heart . I didn 't get a response , just like with you just now . " " Oh well . " Keera said with a harsh tone in her voice . " Guess the apple doesn 't fall too far from the tree , in any respect whatsoever . " Kelly was the one confused this time . " What ? What do you mean by that ? " Stopping herself from looking at the telescope , Keera backed away from it to look Kelly in the eye . " You know what 's really funny ? The whole time I was watching my mom sleep the other night , worried about her , trying to get her to wake up . . . I noticed a few things parallel to my own life . Just , you know , certain things . Like explosions . She was caught in an explosion in the past as she said , broke her arm and spent nearly three months in the hospital . " " And here it happened once again , but this time she didn 't get that injured , did she ? She didn 't lose an eye , or have her face scarred . No , she didn 't , but she could have . She could have had her entire body scarred ! She could have been paralyzed ! Her life could have been taken from her because of ANOTHER DAMNED EXPLOSION ! ! Just like the one I was in ! ! ! " " Keera , I don 't know what to say . " Kelly said , worried . " I really don 't . You have been through so much in the short time you 've been alive , we all have , that sometimes it 's hard to realize what matters . " Suddenly Kelly reached in for a hug , and Keera fell into her arms crying . " I can never see things clearly , I can never realize what 's happening . You need two eyes to do it . " " I am so sorry for everything that 's happened to you , Keera . You didn 't do anything to deserve your injury . If I could go back in time and put myself in your place I would . I would do anything for you . " " I love what you 've done with the place . Very . . . dark , very . . . evil - lair - ish . " Jacob chuckled as he opened a new gate into the tomb 's main area . " Could use a throw pillow though . Maybe a few curtains . " " Yes but are you really ? " Jacob walked over to him with a smirk . " Or is it your robotic companion over there who is more busy than you ? " Jacob noticed the robotic orb floating in the center of the room was pulsating brightly , like it was busy doing something . " That 's good ! Real good . . . I may have use for a holding area . I have plans to bring a guest , someone who is perfectly capable of undermining out plans . She 's had a victory against a Benefactor before , and I want to see her face personally when we open the tomb , get the lamp , and use it for our own purposes . Just so I can know that she knows she lost . " " That doesn 't seem too hard to do . Apparently the last benefactor was defeated by a pair of love - struck teenagers . I can 't say he didn 't deserve to be imprisoned and blown up . It 's his faulty device that gave me this scar . " Jacob sneered at Vu , then said " Jack Toomes was an older man when he fought those , as you say it , ' love - struck teenagers ' . He was old , weak , pathetic . I am much , much younger . " " Besides , I was thinking of someone else . " Vu said . ' Someone I want to find in Starlight Shores . Thomas Jameson . He refused to help my father when he needed it . I want revenge . " " Thomas Richard Jameson is dead . " Jacob replied . " But guess what , I know where his son is . . . you know , ' legacy ' and all that stuff . You can take revenge on Thomas Jameson by taking revenge on his son . And I know where you can find him . " " No no no . First I must make a . . . fair trade . " Jacob smiled , and turned around to face a table . " But what could you possibly have that I want ? ! Maybe one of these weapons here ? Ya I 'll take this as a pre - payment . But what else ? What could I possibly - OOOOOH . Ya , this will work . " Jacob picked up a golden - colored potion , holding it in front of him . " That 's a potion called Midas Touch . " Vu said , " It will let you turn anything you want to gold . For inanimate objects it permanent . For humans it 's temporary . At least that 's what the witch who gave it to me said . " " Midas touch . I love that story . In the story , King Midas wished for the ability to turn whatever he touched into gold . . . it was part of his greed . Unfortunately for him , every single person he touched turned to gold , and his food turned and his drink as well , he died of thirst and starvation and he died alone . I personally think he was an idiot . He should have made things a bit more specific . Yes , this will do fine . A little birdy told me Tom 's at the market . Well , I saw him there myself before I trotted over here . But take care . . . you know the love - stuck teenagers you mentioned ? Tom 's one of them . He was strong then , can 't imagine how he is now . " Vu smiled , finally realizing that his revenge was going to be obtained . He turned around to ask Jacob more about Tom but was shocked to see him gone , with the midas touch potion . He then took his communicator out and contacted Tobias Corvan . Annabelle was sitting on a bench at the park , still trying to get her head clear when she heard someone walk up to her . She turned her head and saw Deacon Jones , still apparently upset from the conversation they had about a week before . Annabelle hadn 't talked to Deacon since their encounter in the beach house , but ever since then she was going over the whole angered tirade against him in her mind , and the conversation he had with his twin sister afterwards . " Do you mind if I . . . sit here , Miss Kethin ? " Deacon asked , politely . Annabelle silently nodded and gestured herself towards the empty seat , signifying that he could . " Listen , Annie , I again am so sorry about everything that happened in Bridgeport . I assure you , it was Jack Toomes who manipulated me ! " " He manipulated a lot of people . " Annie said , " You , me , Tom . He made us all think he was a friendly sort . I saw him as a good friend . " Deacon looked off in the distance , upset . " Then his death must have some kind of effect on you , like it did me . He may have been evil but I still saw him as a father for five years . " " I don 't think he 's dead . " Annabelle sternly said . " I 've seen him ' die ' in two different explosions before , this third one . . . it wouldn 't surprise me if he showed up alive in Sunlit Tides or something , drinking on the beach laughing at everyone who thought he actually went to the land of Smithereens by way of a meteor impact . Dr . Vu was revealed to have been alive just recently and he too ' died ' in an explosion . Hell . . . I should have died in an explosion , almost five years ago . " " Why didn 't I ? Why did I have to live with the wounds for three months ? Why didn 't I . . . kiss . . . it doesn 't matter . That 's the past , this is the present , and I must look to the future . " " Anyway . . . " Deacon said , interrupting her . " I wanted to say , again , Annabelle , that I am really , really sorry for the way I acted in Bridgeport . That was not the person I am , I never wanted to be that . " Annabelle stood up . " Well , to be honest I wasn 't having the greatest of days myself when we met again a week and a half ago . Tom . . . Tom blamed me for causing someone he cared about to die , and we didn 't talk for a month . But that 's behind us now . My point is that I too apologize . I don 't think I would have acted that way towards you if that hadn 't happened . I 'm better than that . " " Don 't worry about it . I try to put what happened in the past behind me , and look to the future . Not too many do that . " , Deacon said . " Besides , you are talking to me now , that 's got to amount for something . " " Yeah it does . Heh . Look , to make it up to you , and maybe for a chance to get to know the real you , maybe we can go out to lunch or something , as friends . Or . . . get - to - know - each - other . . . ers . " Deacon smiled . " Ya that sounds good . Let us go and get something to eat . " At the public library , John and Mirabelle were looking at random books in the basement . They hit a wall with information on the Genie Lamp , only able to find a copy of the same book Keera had . Rather than give up , however , they decided to explore the rather unused portion of the building . " Nope , not one book here . " John said , flicking his fingers across the dusty books lined on the old shelves . " I kinda hoped that we could find one bit of new info but nope . It 's like the universe hates us . The universe is evil sometimes , evil evil evil . " " No ! I tell you . . . Thi - this one time the universe leaned in close and told me to take over the world for it . " John chuckled , and so did Mirabelle . " You always have found a way to make me laugh , Johnny . " Mirabelle said . " Well , Annabelle at least . " You always made her laugh . I 've only been around for a couple months . " " No . You 've been around a lot longer than that . " John replied . " Everything Annie 's done , you 've done . All her accomplishments , all her feelings , all her happy days and sad ones . You just haven 't been able to express your own feelings until the teleporter purpose . " John shrugged . " It was . . . unintended , but I call it a purpose because it 's the opposite of an accident . I had it 's purpose to the family , because it gave you life . It gave Annabelle someone to relate to , it gave me a new sister , it gave Scarlett someone to help plan the wedding with , it gave Tom someone to goof off with , it gave Kelly someone to love , and it gave Keera someone else to look up to . It was a purpose , Mira . I don 't want to call it an accident . " Mirabelle wiped tears from her eyes . " I never thought of it that way . Ever since it happened and I look at myself in the mirror , I always thought of myself as just a reflection of Annie . " She looked over at an old mirror sitting on the floor . John smiled , and hugged his sister . " Just like I told Annie , I 'll always be here for you , my sister . " They then went back to looking for information on the genie lamp . After a few moments , John said " you know what , I think we should use one of the computers upstairs to find information . That would be more helpful . " Mirabelle chuckled again and the two walked upstairs , Mirabelle placing a book back into a shelf before . When they were upstairs , the book fell out , causing one book to fall onto another , and then another , before finally one book fell down and hit a switch behind it . Suddenly the bookshelf pulled back , and revealed a small room to no one . Inside were magic wands , a crystal ball , a lectern , and a cauldron . After a few short seconds , the bookcase slid back into place . Vu was standing in a different room in his base , a recently constructed holding area sitting next to him . Suddenly , the television hanging from the wall came on , and Tobias ' voice was heard in it . " I 'm at the market like you asked . Is this the guy ? " " It 's Jameson . Thomas Jameson ! " Dr . Vu smiled as he looked at the video . Tom was standing outside the market , waiting for someone . " Corvan , bring him to me . I want to have a bit of a word with him . It 's part of his father 's legacy . " " But . . . what if he resists ? He looks pretty strong . " Tobias responded , worried . He had never been in an actual fist fight , preferring to strike from a distance . " You have that weapon I gave you , right ? If he doesn 't go calmly , threaten him ! Just bring him to me . I want him to watch as I use the genie lamp , and holding him in this cell for a week will be fun . " Corvan nodded and closed the comm , then took out the weapon Vu mentioned . It was a crystalline device that glowed brightly , something Vu and his group had received from the M . I . A . Aurora Dawn . Tobias thought it was a magic wand , but he thought the notion of magic weapons was an idiotic concept despite the fact that he was looking for a supposed genie lamp . Tobias walked up next to Tom , snarling . " Dr . Vu wants to make your acquaintance , Mr . Jameson . Please , walk slowly towards the alley , I 'll have him teleport us . And don 't make a noise , or I 'll kill you . " Caught off - guard , Tom turned around . " Who are you ? " he asked . " What 's this about ? What does Vu want with me ? ! " Tom looked at the weapon . It was pretty violent - looking , and he didn 't want to be splattered against the wall , but he also didn 't want to be brought before a known criminal who was thought to have been dead before . After a few seconds of going through plans in his mind , he inwardly smiled . " Okay , but can I at least ask my cousin to let me go with you ? She has a bit of a temper and I 'm here with her helping her find a wedding cake , and really I don 't want to make her upset or worry . Don 't worry , I won 't tell her what 's going on . " Tobias thought this over , and nodded . " Okay . But make it quick . And if you tell her . . . " " Don 't worry . " Tom smiled , he realized this man was of lesser patience or intelligence , and those could easily be manipulated . " Now she 's right over here . Hey Scarlett ! " Tom yelled at Scarlett to come over , and she did . Tom turned back to Tobias . " This is . . . uh . . . Carl . I was talking with Carl here and he mentioned that he saw you walk in with me . Don 't worry , he 's not wanting to flirt with you , but he just told me that you look a bit like a . . . what was it you said , Carl , a " complete clown wearing all that red . " ? I told him it was none of his business - " Before Tom could finish his sentence Scarlett reached over and punched Tobias in the face , knocking him to the ground and out cold . Tom grabbed the weapon off the ground and ran with it with Scarlett , who was still angered . " So what 's REALLY going on , Tom ? You wouldn 't tell me that just randomly . " she asked . " I don 't know , " Tom replied , " But it looks familiar . I think I 've seen something like this before . I do know one thing : it 's a weapon , and I think it 's a dangerous one . We have to get home , tell Annabelle about this . " " I don 't want to talk about it . Let 's just say that Tom Jameson is far more intelligent than we predicted . And his cousin packs quite a punch for having such a small frame . " Vu hissed . Suddenly Jacob Thompson appeared in the center of the room , right where he had vanished before , and smiled . " So you couldn 't capture Tom . Oh well , guess we can do things my way now . Besides , I know how to get revenge on him , and you don 't even have to touch him . . . " " Someone tried to kidnap me today ! It was that guy I told you about , Tobias or whatever his name was . He told me Dr . Vu wanted to meet me ! I tricked him , Scarlett punched him , and we ran . He dropped this when he fell , it 's like a weapon or something . " Tom took the wand and showed it to Annabelle and Deacon . " I think it 's a magic wand , like you know , a witch 's weapon ! " " Nightmare . " Annabelle said . " Tom , you said Andy told you about the whole Genie thing , a clue at least . She knew about it because she was part of Nightmare ! She was working for Vu all along ! Why didn 't I see this ? ! She gave him magic wands , who knows how many she had ! " " But she couldn 't have been the benefactor . " Tom said . " Someone else was pulling the strings ! Someone who wants that genie lamp ! Someone who wants to use it to take over the world , to subjugate - that 's it ! " " There 's this guy I met at the museum the two times I went there . Jacob Thompson , he was this reaaaly creepy guy and he was just brimming with evil . He told me that if he could get his hands on the genie lamp , he 'd wish for the subjugation of the human race . I bet you anything he 's the Benefactor . " Did he look anything like this ? " Kelly walked into the house and nodded to Deacon , acknowledging his presence . She then placed a USB port from her camera into an electronic frame on the wall nearby . " Keera and I took this picture outside the mausoleum earlier today . He walked right into it with a smile on his face . You don 't walk into a tomb with a smile , I don 't care who you are ! Anyway I took this picture and posted it against the Federal Database of Criminals with zero matches . Either this guy fell to Earth recently or he 's so perfect at what he does he doesn 't know know how to make mistakes . " Annabelle breathed in a bit before saying " When we were living in Hidden Springs Tom fell in love with someone who literally had another side to her . The woman told Tom to come to Starlight Shores before she died and when we did we eventually found out that a group of supervillains are trying to find a genie lamp to possibly take over the world with , one of them being a Chinese scientist who was thought to have been killed nine years ago . One of them is also a new benefactor who replaced Jack Toomes when Tom and I defeated him and sent him to prison . We found out that the tomb containing the genie lamp is protected by magic and the only thing that can open it is if someone puts a star - shaped keystone into a wall on the day of a total solar eclipse . That 's all we know for now . " " So . . . villains with genie lamps ? How can you possibly fight against that ? ! " Deacon finally asked after taking it all in for a bit . " I mean , if the new Benefactor is as bad as Jack Toomes then . . . how ? " " We are still working on a battle plan . Our main objective is to stop them from reaching the lamp . We may have to destroy the key stone . " Tom said , " but they must have it under lock and key at this point . " " We still have a week . " Annabelle said , " That gives us plenty of time to formulate numerous plans should one fail . We just need local support . Deacon , I trust you now , can you tell us anyone who might be able to help around here ? " Deacon scratched his head for a second and said " Avalon . There 's this owner of a casino who started this huge corporation . No one really knows who it is , as no one 's seen them but I heard that they are in town tonight to oversee something with the Casino . " " But uh , yeah . You can find Avalon at the casino . I dunno who it is so try not to expect a warm welcome . " Deacon said . " Now I gotta go , I gotta get home before my sister worries . " " Alright , Deacon . Be careful . The closer we get to the date of the eclipse the more trouble all of us could face , even you as you used to know the Benefactor Jack Toomes . " " Cassie ! " Having returned after visiting the Kethrins , Deacon walked into his house , yelling out his sister 's name . He heard her groggy voice coming from the other room and figured that she was taking a midday nap . Realizing his mistake for waking her , he said " Oh , sorry to wake you . " half - heartedly and decided to sit down on the sofa to watch some television . He then heard a beeping noise , faint as it was . Shrugging it off as ambient sound , Deacon continued to watch television . Then he heard it again . And again . Deacon stood up and looked over at a coffee maker sitting in his kitchen that he swore he had never seen before . After a few seconds of thinking it over , he walked over to the machine and looked at it , hearing the beeping noise getting progressively louder and louder and faster . Suddenly a realization came over him as he ran to his sister 's bedroom . The two siblings took off out of the house towards the street , with Cassie still wearing her sleepwear . After a few seconds of running Deacon heard the beep stop . Suddenly the entire house violently exploded , sending debris flying across the block . " As I said before , some scars last a short time , some fade over a long time , and some stick with you for the rest of your life . And there are others that you thought were hidden and long gone , but some days they just . . . resurface . These old wounds never heal . " " Yeah you can find Avalon at the casino . I dunno who it is so try not to expect a warm welcome . " Deacon 's words rang through Annabelle 's head as she stepped into the main casino entrance , with Tom not too far behind . Annabelle looked around to see the place was empty , and this did not surprise her as it looked like it was being remodeled . The empty , dark room gave off a vague , almost ominous feeling , and Annabelle was a bit worried about continuing on . Despite this , she looked over at Tom who smiled back , and that gave her the confidence to keep going . After a short walk , Tom and Annabelle finally reached the main office of the casino , suspended above the place with only a flight of stairs to hold them up seemingly . Annabelle sighed , then gestured silently to Tom to stay behind . She didn 't want this " Avalon " to feel threatened for any reason , she just wanted to talk to whoever it was and two people barging into the office would have given the owner a start . Annabelle carefully walked up the stairs and opened the door into the main office , which was a surprisingly blank room . There were no pictures hanging from the dark gray walls and the only thing of note were the gray , black , and white seats as well as a desk off in the distance , which had someone sitting at it . Annabelle couldn 't see the person 's face but saw that it was a woman wearing a somewhat futuristic corporate outfit . " Office hours are closed . The casino is in repair from the damage caused by that meteor impact a week ago . " The woman said . Her voice was very familiar to Annie , but she couldn 't put her finger on where she 'd heard it before . " The meteor impact hit the police station . . . " Annabelle replied , she couldn 't help but notice the woman 's gloved hands tense up when she started to speak , . " It didn 't even fly over this casino . What 's the closing really about . . . Avalon ? " " Is it really that hard to figure out ? I thought living with Kelly for all these years would have helped you to attune your investigative skills . Guess I was wrong . I was wrong about a lot of things , that 's why I devoted my life to charity and helping others . " The woman then leaned close as Annabelle walked forward , blocking her face behind the computer screen . " I used to be a wandering soul , with no where to go or no one to talk to , but I decided to make myself useful for this place , this blue marble that is what I am forced to call home . Rather than hate humanity , I have embraced it . . . I have become a greater person because of that . " The Dry Gila was a small watering hole on the outskirts of the desert . Not too many people were known to scurry off to the place as there were other , more well - known venues on the " Road to Nowhere " , including numerous ones in Strangetown a few miles up . Still , the owner of the place , Roland Baynard , was optimistic that he would get at least a few customers . Roland wasn 't expecting customers this early in the day , and it surprised him when a single teenager , no more than fifteen years , walked into the bar and sat down . " I need water . " The teen said , his voice raspy and thrown out , presumably because Roland didn 't see a helmet with him and driving through the desert without one would do terrible things to someone 's throat with all the dust and sand being kicked up . Without charging the teen , Roland gave him a glass of water . Upon hearing the question , the teen turned around to face the him , " My name is Gabriel . " he said , then turned and left , but not before saying something that made Roland wonder . The teen then jumped on his motorcycle and drove away , leaving Roland scratching his head . ~ AddyKat ~ October 18 , 2012 at 1 : 10 AMI have no words . . . O _ OReplyDeleteWinterfellOctober 18 , 2012 at 6 : 45 PMO - O wtf just happened . . . . . Magical chapter though XDReplyDeleteRepliesAnonymousOctober 24 , 2012 at 11 : 27 PMAgreed : ) DeleteReplyAnonymousOctober 18 , 2012 at 8 : 22 PMWhoa . . . . . just . . . . WHOA . Great chapter , as always . : DReplyDeleteR - MacOctober 20 , 2012 at 2 : 46 PMDUN DUN DUN ! ! ! ! ! HER SON ! ! : OReplyDeleteCrystal O ' BrianOctober 20 , 2012 at 11 : 59 PMGABE ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! xDAside from that , excellent chapter ! ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Someone has selected our family to do the 12 Days of Christmas for . Our kids have been loving this . They are eager each night to see what new treat or surprise will be left for them . Jared refuses to go to bed until we have had the long awaited " Knock and run " . All day we talk about how generous these people are that are sharing joy with us . Mia told me today , " I really wish we knew who our Secret Santa was . " I asked her why and she said , " Then we could give something to them . " I was pleased with her response and feel like maybe she will turn out OK in this world where everyone is just so self - centered . I am sure you have seen these or something like them before . I decided that it would be fun for my kids if I made some with their photos . The first thing you need to do is select your photos . I printed mine at Costco . I tried some that I had printed at home but the Mod Podge made the ink run - even after it had dried for a week . You can use either cardboard or chipboard . Since I had some boxes on hand , I used cardboard . Trace around your photo . Cut along your lines so the cardboard is the same size as your picture . I like to use a foam brush that you can get on sale at Michael 's at 10 / $ 1 . 00 . Brush the Mod Podge on in even strokes . I try to keep a continuous line from one edge to the next . When it dries , you will see these lines . It will dry clear . I put 4 layers of Mod Podge , letting it dry completely after each application . I then sanded the edges , rounded some and left others pointed , really that is your choice . I also put a layer of Mod Podge on the back just to seal it . After I finished sanding , I put another layer of Mod Podge around the edges , again , just to seal it . When you are finished , take your hole punch , I used a " Crop - A - Dile " and punch holes evenly around the edge of the picture . Use colorful shoestrings and start lacing . I think these would be really cute with a patterned scrapbooking paper mod podged on the back . Ellis has become proficient at taking off his diaper . When Gordon started this , we potty trained him . Ellis just seems so little - maybe it is because he is my baby and maybe it is because he is little still . I am just not sure that he is ready to potty train . He asks to go potty and I let him sit on the toilet . Sometimes he goes and sometimes he doesn 't . I do think he will be getting some underwear for Christmas though . . . I have been changing diapers for 7 1 / 2 years straight . I will not be sad to say goodbye to diapers . Grandma got run over by a Mia ? Mia was a reindeer in her Christmas Concert last night . I had ( read made ) her take a nap yesterday after school and she had enough energy to dance all night . She was excited to wear makeup . When I tried to take pictures of her in her costume , she did not want to cooperate . So this is the best we have . I did get a nice photo of her during the finale , which I am happy about . I was impressed with how organized the whole thing was . They hire babysitters to stay with the girls in a separate room so they are safe and entertained during the program ( which was 2 hours long ) . When I went to pick her up , I just had a happy , hungry little girl who had a lot of fun and was ready to go again . We hosted Thanksgiving lunch at our house this year . It was so much fun and my family was all so eager to help . I did a trial run on the turkey and stuffing last Saturday and boy , am I glad I did . There were a few things I learned to make the whole waiting process flow better . I started by soaking the turkey in a brine over night . It was so moist and I was pleased with it . It was such a beautiful golden brown color when I removed it from the oven , honestly , I couldn 't have been happier with the color of it . Seth read some instructions on how to carve the turkey and he did an excellent job . . . he even carved a little bit of his finger just for fun . Gordon and Ellis got to discover the joy of olives , which they called peas for a reason I don 't understand . My parents were able to stop in and pick up my grandma and that was such a treat . I only hope that when I am her age I can be just as perfect with my wrinkled skin and white hair . I think she is just so beautiful . We tried to take some pictures of all of the great - grandchildren with Grandma , but someone wasn 't cooperating . . . We were all able to fit on the first floor of our house and every one was able to sit up to a table . It was just so much fun for me to see everyone and catch up on their busy lives . We definitely should do this more than once a year . I got up at 3 : 00 this morning to hit the sales . Kohls opened at 4 : 00 and I wanted to get a few hot items . While I was standing in line I started talking to the lady behind me . I asked her what she was going to get and she told me that she didn 't know , she was only there because she had to get up to feed her baby and she couldn 't go back to sleep . We talked for a bit longer and she asked what I was there for . Part of me didn 't want to tell her because I didn 't want to her to grab what I wanted , but I told her . She said , " Oh yeah . I am interested in those too . " When the time to open the doors finally arrived , we all made our dash to the gifts we wanted to get . I looked up and there was this lady with two of the cameras I had hoped to get coming toward me . She told me , " There were a lot of people grabbing these , so I took two to make sure you got one . I was so surprised . I told her thank you and went away with a happy heart . The man two people in front of me had found out that the " more mature " woman next to him wanted to get a digital camcorder . He went inside the store and started running . He grabbed a camcorder for her and came back just to give it to her . Then he went and did his shopping . I was so impressed at the way these two strangers wanted to help others . They really got out of the " me , me , me " concept and were looking for ways to enrich the lives of those around them . I have never gotten up early and stood in line on black Friday , but if it is like this and can renew my faith in humanity , I might have to go again . I already decided that if my kids ever asked me if Santa was real , I would tell them the truth . Tonight I had this conversation with Jared : Jared : " Mommy . If I ask you something , will you tell me the honest truth ? " Me : " Yes . " Jared : " Is Santa Claus really real ? " Me : " No . He isn 't . Your dad and I give you those presents because we love you so much and want you to be happy and know that you are loved . We shouldn 't go around telling other people that Santa isn 't real , not even Mia , because it is a tradition people like to have and they like to believe in Santa Claus . " Jared digested this for a while and said , " Why do people want to pretend there is a Santa Claus ? " Me : " People just like to believe that there is a person out there that only wants to make other people happy and do good for them . " Jared : " Oh . Like Jesus . Only Jesus is real . " He then turned over and went to sleep . Yesterday while Gordon was supposed to be sleeping , I was in taking a break , reading a book and Gordon came running downstairs to me . He told me , " The dot is in my nose and I can 't get it out ! " I asked him more questions about this " dot " . Turns out he found a little button and for whatever reason a 3 year old does anything , he shoved it up his nose . I had him lay down on my bed and tried to shine my bedside lamp up his nose to see better . There it was , I could barely see it because he had poked it up his nose so far . It was in so deep that I was nervous to try and get it out with my tweezers . . . I could barely see it and to top things off , it was flesh colored . I called my pediatrician . The conversation went a little like this : Me : " I think I need to make an appointment . " Receptionist : " You think you need to ? " ( chuckles ) Me : " Yeah . . . my son stuck a button up his nose and I can 't get it out . " Receptionist : " A button up his nose ? " ( Tells the others near her - " a button up his nose . " ) Me : ( Nervous laughter ) " Heh , yeah . A button . " Receptionist : ( still chuckling ) " I 'm sorry . We aren 't laughing . " Me : " That 's OK . " Receptionist : " The earliest we can get him in is 3 : 30 . It is causing him any pain ? " ( It was 2 : 00 ) Me : " No . He is just a little concerned that there is a ' belly button ' in his nose . " Receptionist : " I am concerned about that too . So is Mom . " We ended the call and I felt foolish about the whole situation . Then I couldn 't remember what time the appointment was for . I had to call back . Me : " Hi . I am the mom of the boy with a button up his nose . . . ( Insert laughter ) Is my appointment for 3 : 15 or 3 : 30 . " She told me it was 3 : 30 . After I got off the phone , Gordon started sneezing . I was so glad . Then I grabbed the tweezers and a tissue , plugged one nostril and asked him to blow as hard as he could . He started to and I saw the button come down to the opening of his nostril . Then he sniffed and pulled the button back up . The next time , I had the tweezers in the opening of his nose , ready to grab the button before he could sniff it up again . Posted by We went to Murray Park yesterday and took some pictures . Seth 's parents gave me an early Christmas Present of a tripod and so we experimented . I am pretty sure it was more fun for me than anyone else , but they all tried to cooperate . I got some cute ones of the kids . This picture was taken in the front of the house , while I was experimenting with the tripod . Mia was done , almost as soon as we began . . . she didn 't want to get off of the bench to have more pictures taken . After some shirt misunderstanding , we started taking the pictures too late in the day ( Nearly 11 ) . The sun was pretty bright , but I think I can fix this picture if I fiddle with it in PhotoShop . In most of the pictures , it was either everyone but Gordon looking at the camera or Gordon looking at the camera and everyone else looking at Gordon . When we finished with the pictures , we let the kids play at the playground . They really had a lot of fun . At one point , Mia sat in this cup like thing and was spinning in circles . I heard , " Help ! I can 't get out . I can 't get out . " The more she tried to get out , the faster the cup spun . I stopped her and she was able to get out , but she was very dizzy . She kept getting in it and spinning around . We decided to go and eat when we finished with the park . On the way , Mia said that she thought she was going to throw up . She was so pale . We stopped at another park and she laid on the grass for a while . Before too long , she was feeling better and we played tag and I watched as some pink crept into her cheeks . We had a Pirate , Luigi , a Genie and a Skunk over at our house today . Mia was pretty excited because she got to go to school in the morning instead of the afternoon for the Halloween Parade . Ellis was a hit with the adults . While we were waiting in the multi - purpose room at the school , I " caught " some random lady taking a picture of him . She was pretty embarrassed and tried to explain why she was taking pictures of him . Gordon was a hit with most of the kids in the line . They would walk by and say , " It ' sa Luigi ! " Then Gordon would say , " He called me Luigi ! " I was surprised at how many times this happened . This is Jared 's teacher . She handed out Dots candy to all of the little kids . Ellis wasn 't sure that he wanted to eat it until he saw Gordon eat his . The kids had a lot of fun at their Halloween parties and were hopped up on sugar before we even went trick - or - treating . We carved pumpkins when Mia got home from Kindergarten . Posted by We call Ellis " Smelly Belly " so when I saw this skunk costume , I knew I had to have it . I " may " have bribed him to get it on . . . it went something like this , " Ellis , I will take your picture OUTSIDE if you wear your skunky costume . " He let me put it on him and even smiled a little at my when I took his picture . This picture is so funny to me because it really shows that he " putting up with another one of Mom 's crazy ideas . " Look at how cute it is from behind . I really love this costume . This smile looks pretty genuine . He seemed pretty happy by the time I finished taking pictures . . . I am " sure " it has nothing to do with the fact that he was outside . I have a new best friend . This friend is so gentle and so incredibly comfortable to be around . My friend is a new pair of running shoes . Never have I had a pair of shoes that loved my feet like these shoes do . When I see them , I am excited to wear them - they are that comfortable . They were just $ 35 at Kohl 's and they are my incentive to workout - I can 't wait to put them on ; it 's like walking on a cloud . I always just buy the cheapest shoes and make them work . Now that I have entered the world of comfortable feet , I don 't think that I can ever go back . Thank you Reebok for making shoes that massage my feet while I am running . Thank you . We had a Halloween party for our playgroup today at our house . It was so fun to see the cute kids in their costumes . I got a skunk costume from Old Navy that is just too cute for Ellis . This morning I got him out of the tub and put it on him . He started crying . He went from crying to screaming and finally managed to get it off . When our friends arrived , they asked , " Is Ellis a caveman ? " Mia had her Halloween party for dance on Tuesday , Oct 14 . She changed her mind hundreds of times until we settled on Fancy Nancy . The selling point was that she could have colored hair . We went to the D . I . and chose a really fancy shirt and then we headed to the fabric department of WalMart and got some tulle ( for a tutu ) and some lip gloss to hand out to the other girls in her class . I put her hair up in curlers the night before so that she could have curly hair . It turned out so cute and it breaks my heart a little that this picture is so fuzzy . The look on her face is priceless . I think I will change something on Halloween - maybe keep her hair down - , because I am not in love with the way it turned out , but Mia really liked it and that is what counts . She kept asking me if I liked how fancy she looked . I asked her if I could take a picture with a different smile on her face and this is what she came up with . I think it is appropriate for a Halloween picture . I thought that I had until October 31 to get a Halloween costume . I was wrong . Jared had told me that he wanted to be a Mummy for Halloween and Seth and I had thought about some ideas . I had put it off for a while , still mulling it over in my mind so I could come up with something . On Tuesday ( Oct 7 ) Jared was invited to a party on Friday , Oct 10 . This is the first Halloween Party he has been invited to , and I think is definitely a sign he is growing up . . . it won 't be too long before he won 't want to spend Halloween with his family . . . On Friday ( Hello procrastination ) I started on his costume . It seemed fail - proof . I had him get some thermal underwear on and I started wrapping him in a sheet I had cut into strips . 2 Hours later this is what we had : I was pretty happy with how it turned out . Jared 's comment was , " Oh , yeah . I look like a real Mummy because it is a bad job , right ? " I wasn 't sure how to answer . When I went to pick him up , he was almost completely unraveled . It took longer to wrap ( and sew ) the strips to him than it did for him to come undone . I decided that he is going to have to be a Pirate on Halloween . . . we are not going through with that again . Did I mention that he had a great time a the party ? He did . Next year he wants to have a party at our house . . . We took the kids to the Hollywood Connection on Monday night . I was surprised at how much fun we had . The two younger boys were free and they give you a nifty discount on Monday nights . It was so empty . Gordon and Ellis were a little afraid to ride the Dragon Roller Coaster but they did go on it several times . They both said that they liked it . That night , after the kids were in bed , I went up and put Gordon 's blanket on him and he said , " I don 't want to ride it ! I will just watch . I just want to watch ! " I went to bed feeling a little guilty . Maybe I had pushed him too much and made him do something that he didn 't want to do . My dad and I really don 't have a great relationship . I am sad that we don 't . It is a lot better than it has been in the past , but it still isn 't where I would like for it to be . I am taking baby - steps right now and I sincerely hope that he will be around long enough for our relationship to get to where I want it to be . We went to the park with my brother 's family and my parents last night . I had a really nice time visiting with some of my favorite people in the world . At one point , I looked around and couldn 't find Gordon . I went and looked over the hill where Seth was playing Frisbee with some of the older kids and he wasn 't there . I started to get a little worried , but I thought he was likely down by the picnic tables getting something to eat . I was right . There were some people at the park that were eating watermelon . Gordon told me that he was hungry for some watermelon . He threw a huge fit because I wasn 't letting him eat watermelon . We walked back up to the playground and Gordon headed straight for my dad , Grandpa Campbell . He curled up in a ball while my dad patted him on the back and listened to how mean I was because Gordon , " was just really hungry for some watermelon . " I loved seeing them together , sharing a moment . Head on over to Julie 's blog and sign up to win a photography session with her sister in law . You can see a sample of her photos here . I am certain you won 't be disappointed . Today we started our " in - home " preschool . We are just going through the alphabet and today happened to be the letter " A " . Nothing says " autumn " to me like applesauce so I had the 7 kids help me make applesauce . We talked about how the fruit would get soft as it cooked . We also talked about how leaving some of the pretty pink skin on the apples would turn the applesauce pink . Fortunately for me we had 7 ingredients to put in so everyone got to dump something into the pan . We all had a turn mashing it , which I think the kids liked best and then we tasted it . I thought it turned out nicely and almost everyone ate their bowl full . We also painted some apple trees . Sometimes it is hard for me to just let go and let the kids be creative , but if I really lower my expectations ( say to a 3 year old level ) I am pleasantly surprised . I took Ellis with me to the store yesterday . I decided we should stop in at Arctic Circle , get a drink and some courtesy cones , then be on our way . I am so glad that I did . He was just so sweet and tried to do everything I did . We talked about how yummy our drink was and how the ice cream tasted so good . I worry that he gets forgotten a lot in our family because he is generally so non demanding and easy going . He really seemed to thrive on this time with me . I reminded myself time and time again that it doesn 't matter how long it takes him to eat his courtesy cone or that it was getting all over the place , he was having such a good time and the good thing about kids is that they are washable . When we got to the grocery store , he was even sweeter . He wanted everything I put in the cart to go on his lap and before too long I couldn 't even see where he was . He made a comment for everything I put in the cart and on the way out , he asked me for a hug and told me that he loves me . It was a really sweet night . We went to playgroup today and it was a day of disasters . Heads were bonked , knees were skinned and Ellis fell down and pierced his lip with his tooth . Sometimes you have those days when you feel like you should have just stayed home . Ellis is doing fine . He will have a little scar but it will just be little . He doesn 't seem to even remember hitting his face on the metal structure . It did take him a little while before he felt brave enough to slide again , but he did and we will go back next week and it will be like nothing happened . Oh , to be that resilient again . . . Seth just returned from Dallas , TX for a work trip . He asked Gordon if he wanted to go to the store with him before Playgroup this morning . I was encouraging Gordon to go and he turned and looked at me and said , " I HATE going to the store without you , Mommy . " I hugged him . This is Mia demonstrating " the slump " . She uses her whole body to let us know when she is unhappy with any decision we have made . In this case , she was not looking forward being in a group photo at Seth 's sister 's wedding . Mia was excited to go back to her dance class . She had a nice time and said everyone was really nice . Then she did the " slump " and complained the whole way home because Abby is in the class after her instead of her class and she " just wants to be in Abby 's class " and I " should have signed her up for dance last year so that she could be in the same class as Abby ! " I finally told her that she needed to be appreciative of the effort I am going to just to get her in dance at all and if she wants to stop going , she should just let me know because I was NOT going to put up with this attitude for the next 9 months . Her reply ? " What is an effort ? " Today was Mia 's first dance class . She was so excited to go . School gets out at 2 : 55 and her dance began at 3 : 30 , so we really had to hustle . I thought it would make things go faster for me to pick all of the kids up and then get her home and changed and off . Due to miscommunication on the kids part , it took more than 25 minutes to pick the kids up after school - turns out they were chasing each other around the school and didn 't realize it . = ) We made it to the studio with a few minutes to spare and although I was feeling rushed , I was pleased with the fact that we made it on time . I get all of the kids out of the van so we can walk Mia to the class and find out what we needed to know and we walk in on an " already in progress dance lesson . " They started at 3 : 00 . I dropped Mia off and fretted for the next half hour , how in the world we were going to make that work . I could NEVER be on time unless I got Mia out of class early every Monday . . . When class was over , I told the instructor what my problem was and she had me talk to the owner , who conveniently showed up just before we left , turns out she had written the wrong day and time on Mia 's welcome letter and she really has dance on Tuesdays at 3 : 30 . So we get to go through this all again tomorrow . I am sure by the Middle of October we will be able to get home from school and out the door a little faster . Mia is excited that she gets to go to dance 2 days in a row . There is also a good chance that she will be dancing with her good friend Abby , who she can 't seem to get enough of . Tomorrow , I hope to have pictures . I am excited to say that my garden is producing produce ! I only planted tomatoes and green and yellow peppers this year , but they are doing beautifully . Oh , I also planted some garlic that was beginning to sprout in my refrigerator . It is also growing . . . I just don 't know when I am supposed to pick it . . . Do you know ? I managed to pick all of this in just one day . The white pepper is really just a yellow pepper . Somewhere I heard / read that all red and yellow peppers are , is green peppers matured differently . I planted separate plants to get the yellow and green peppers . They are not from the same bush . I also planted red peppers but our birds seem to really enjoy those and I have yet to pick one . . . maybe that is why they are so expensive ? Posted by Remember the gorgeous bracelet my friend gave away ? Well , she is at it again . She is hosting another give away to celebrate 4 pieces of her jewelry being featured in Bead Trends . I recently bought a bracelet and I have worn it every day since she made it for me . You will NOT be disappointed . Go on over and tell her that I sent you . Today Mia had her first play date with a girl in our neighborhood . Mia said that the first time she " ever saw Abby was on the first day of school . " I know her mom fairly well . Both girls were just excited as can be to play together . Abby 's mom told me , " Abby is so excited she has been doing cartwheels ! " Mia started Kindergarten on Friday . She was so excited ! She is in afternoon Kindergarten and her teacher is Mrs . Madsen . Beginning at 8 : 00 , which is when school starts for Jared , Mia asked me every 15 minutes if it was time to go to school . Luckily it was early day and she went at 10 : 45 . After School I asked her who she sat by and she told me that they don 't even have desks ! They got to sit on the carpet the whole time . They had a party for the first day and they got party hats , noise makers and those things you blow on and they unroll - these didn 't make noise . She told me that there is another Mia . I asked her if she needed to put her name on her school work as Mia L . and she said , " No . The other Mia spells her name Mia and I spell my name MiA . " I had a little bit of a hard time leaving her but I thought of all the adventures she was going to have and I didn 't even cry one little bit . I almost started and then I changed my train of thought . I think Mia missed more then she let on because after she got home , she REALLY needed my attention and wanted to play with me and touch me and just be near me . Now for the fun - - pictures : Mia let me fix her hair and I think it turned out pretty cute . I just braided the fronts and put the rest in high ponytails with the ends of the braids . She refused to smile for me . I told her to smile and she told me , " I am . " I just took what I could get . Mia wore the bracelet that my friend helped me make . It was like a little piece of me went to school with her on the first day . This is a picture of Mia walking away . She was so excited , once she got the chance , she took off running and didn 't look over her shoulder . On Thursday I went out on a date with Gordon . I would have been perfectly happy just sitting and staring at him . He was so much fun to be with . We ate at Chili 's . He was looking at everything as if it were the first time he had ever experienced it . When he asked me what we were going to do , I told him that we would eat and then we would run some errands . He was so excited and said , " Aaron ! I like Aaron ! " After eating we headed over to Kohl 's to find a jacket for Jared . We hadn 't gone far and Gordon ran over to pick something up . He shouted , " A Belly Button ! Someone lost their Belly Button ! " He stayed right with me and when I was looking at the clearance rack , there was a swimsuit that was just his size so we bought it . He put it on as soon as we got home to sleep in it and he has worn it for the last 3 days . I don 't know if it is so much that he likes the swimsuit , as much as the memory the swimsuit brings . I am happy he likes it so much and I love to see him in it , too . We went to the park with our Neighbors yesterday . There was a little girl at the park who was being mean to Gordon . At one time , she pushed him out of the way so that she could play with the toy he was playing with . Gordon started to cry . I looked over waiting to see how Gordon would handle it . Gordon 's friend , Spencer , stepped in for him . He made this face at the girl like he was going to turn into the incredible hulk on her . Through clenched teeth , he said , " Don 't push my friend Gordon ! " Later this same girl came up to Gordon and hit him . Gordon was crying and Spencer was yelling at the girl . I asked Gordon if he wanted Spencer to be his Body Guard and Gordon said , " Spencer IS my body guard ! " Spencer is 6 months younger than Gordon . I wanted to do something special for Mia before school started on Friday , so last night I took her out . She was so excited to go and I kept what we were doing a surprise . She started talking the minute the two of us were in the car and didn 't stop until we got home and she was in bed . I am so glad that we went . We started off the night by going out to eat . I cringed when they charged us $ 3 . 49 for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese , but it was her special night and I let her chose what she wanted . After eating , we went to Build - A - Bear Workshop . I let Mia choose a bear and she was off . When we got to the stuffing machine , the guy working there , I think , intimidated her . He was so hyper and kept talking to her and she just stood and stared at him . When he let her choose a heart for the bear and he kept telling her to rub it on her body , she got into it . He told her to make a wish and she just looked at him and told him she didn 't have any wishes . ( Last time she wished for something , it was that the world was made of ice cream . . . it didn 't come true . ) He asked her if she had a secret and she said , " I have a secret but I don 't want to tell you . " I was trying not to laugh at her . She really loved " fluffing " the bear in the bath tub and picking out some clothes for it . She kept talking about everything her bear could do . She was so funny when she asked me to take the tag off her Bear 's ear . She said , " Can you take the tag off my Bear 's ear ? It is really bugging her and making her kind of annoyed . " We walked around the Gateway for a little while just window shopping and then we were heading back to our car . I noticed a Barnes and Noble and asked Mia if she would like to go inside . She said yes , so we went in for a little look . I read her some books and she sat so still leaning against my arm , I thought she was asleep . On the way back to the van , we noticed that there was an outdoor concert very close to where we were . I asked her if she was interested in going over to take a look , or if she was too tired . She told me , " I am too tiredPosted by I love this picture of Jared . I took this while I was taking back to school pictures of him on Monday . He wanted to be in the middle of the tree . I love how he is using his sincere smile rather than his picture smile . He just looks so sweet to me . Mia had her Kindergarten testing today . When Jared was tested for Kindergarten , I was allowed inside and got to watch it all . Today , I was asked to " fill out this paper in the hall . " I filled out my distraction = ) and then sat and listened to Mia and her teacher , Mrs . Madsen chatting . It was just so sweet listening to Mia in pretty much the setting her Kindergarten class will be . When it was all finished , before I was invited to join them , I heard Mia ask Mrs . Madsen if she would like to hear a song . Mrs . Madsen said yes . Mia sang a sweet little rhyming song to her . It was really sweet to be able to " spy " on her like that . I think she is going to do great ! Today was Jared 's first day of second grade . He was really excited because he wanted to see what books he would read . He got to wear his new backpack and finally wear the shirt he has tried to wear every day for nearly a month . He waited outside the school for the doors to open . Was delighted to see on of his friend from First Grade , Josh , is in his class . Then it was time for his teacher , Ms . Casperson to come out and get the students . She was so cute and shook hands with her whole class , welcoming them to Second grade . It was a little rougher for me having Jared in Second Grade than it was last year when he went to First . He was really excited and I tried to not let him know how reluctant I was to send him . Now , I can 't wait until school is over and I can hear all about his first day in Second Grade ! Old Navy and ( Old Navy . com ) is having a sale $ 12 . 00 pants for men and women and $ 7 . 00 pants for kids . It says that there is a 3 jean limit , but it is only 3 jeans of the same size and design . Go on over and take a look . This is for Saturday Aug 23 only . I just finished reading the Twilight Saga and I really enjoyed it . I know I am a little behind everyone who read the first three books ages ago , but I really enjoyed them . I read them pretty fast ( all 4 in a week ) and it was nice to have it all so fresh in my mind . It was fun to put my life on hold for a little while each evening and just read . Wonder what I will do now . . . One of the blogs I frequent is having a birthday celebration . She is having a HUGE give away as her gift to us . Hurry over and enter to win . You won 't be sorry you did . A year and a half ago , Ellis was hospitalized with RSV . He was such a sick little boy . ( I didn 't find out until recently that my brother - in - law , who is a Respiratory Therapist , didn 't think he would survive it . ) It was such a stressful time for our family . As a result of being so sick , he has what our pediatrician refers to as Infantile Asthma . We are owners of a nebulizer and Ellis has really hated it . He hates it so much in fact , that when he is wheezy , Mia will say to me , " Maybe Ellis needs that thing that makes him scream ! " I have always dreaded using it on him because he does scream for the full 5 minutes that it takes to " nebulize " him . Fast forward to today , Gordon is sick and is crying because his " booger are coming " and Ellis can barely breathe . He is coughing a lot and just really wheezing . He was like this last night too , but I really put off having to use the nebulizer . I put it on him because it was just getting worse and he was struggling for air and he just sat through it . Feeling it and trying to figure it out , but he didn 't fight it . After I finished , I let him hold it and poke his fingers in the holes and explained to him what it did and why we needed it . Did he understand ? Who knows . The point is that we are now friends with the nebulizer and it helped A LOT . Hopefully he doesn 't start to wheeze again tonight . I have 4 - 6 hours before I can use it again and I hope he is fast asleep not up and coughing all night . Why is it that every year about this time , I have this overwhelming urge to Home school ? I just went to school registration for Jared and Mia and inside I was just screaming , " What am I doing here ? " I know that it would take A LOT of work to home school my children , but every year I know I am up to the challenge . The problem ? Jared LOVES going to school . I asked him one time if he wanted to go to school or if he wanted to be home schooled and he asked me if we could do both . " Home school half of the day and go to public school the other half . " When I told him that it wouldn 't work that way , he decided he wanted to go to school . For him , maybe public school is the best idea . Mia is ALL about going to public school . She has been ready to go for the last two years while Jared has been going . Now that she finally has the chance , it would seem unfair for her to have to miss out on all the fun of going to school . I REALLY feel that the kids would get a better education with me as their teacher . I know that they do great at school and as long as I continue to volunteer once a week and stay involved , I will definitely know if I should revisit the idea of homeschooling . For another school year , I will push it to the back of my mind and try to not think about it too often and just let the kids enjoy being children . Jared will be in Miss Casperson 's class who I have heard wonderful things about . Mia will be in the afternoon Kindergarten with Mrs . Madsen who is just a lovable grandma . I know they will be in good hands . This doesn 't mean that I will stop trying to teach them myself , though . Remember this post ? Here is my advice on solving the problem . . . marry a computer guy ! Seth fixed the little bug in no time flat . Thanks Seth ! We had the best kind of visitors on Monday ! Our friends that used to live in our neighborhood , but now live in Wyoming showed up at our front door , completely unexpected ! It was so exciting to them . Emma , here in the picture , was Mia 's first " real " friend . When she got her hair cut , she wanted to look like Emma . She started wearing skirts around because Emma wore skirts . Mia was so sad when Emma moved and asked us nearly daily if we could move " just one more time " so that we could live by Emma . Mia still likes to draw pictures for Emma ( if only her mom would mail them . . . ) and talks about her all the time . Funny thing is , when they got here , Mia turned shy or something and just stared at her for a while . It was SUCH a good surprise and we are so glad that they stopped in for a visit . |
It was a great weekend . Johnny Gage , Roy DeSoto and Sam Anderson were in Johnny 's Range Rover traveling through the Sierra Nevada Mountains , on the way back home to Los Angeles . The morning was foggy and cold . The Oak trees amazing red , brown & gold colors of the fall and the tall majestic fir trees shone through the fog like ghostly sentinels lining the quiet road . There was a small amount of snow on the edge of the road from the flurries the night before . It reminding them all of how cold that early November morning was . Johnny drove slowly . It was nearly 9am . The fog was thick and made landmarks very difficult to see . But in order to make it back in time for their shifts the next day , they needed to be on the road already . Even , with the not so great driving conditions . The Trio was very pleased . It had been a fantastic Emergency Responders Conference . The fact that the conference was being held in Lake Tahoe on the California / Nevada State Line , and that LA County Paramedics were specifically requested to be there was exciting . It meant that Nevada was interested in the possibility of adding a Paramedic program in their State too . There were so many questions . Even the Nevada Governor spoke to Johnny and Roy at length . The three were feeling really good . If only Dr . Brackett could have made it to the conference , that would have made the weekend perfect . He could have added a dimension to the conference that no one else could . No one had Dr . Brackett 's experience or reputation when it came to Paramedics . Even so , the whole weekend was spent answering questions . During meals and walking through the casinos , Johnny , Roy and Sam were constantly stopped to shake hands and ask questions . Paramedics being at the conference was a big deal . Johnny and Roy continued to talk excitedly about the weekend and the potential for the State of Nevada . But Sam seemed a bit distracted . She sat in the backseat staring out the window , apparently , deep in thought . Fortunately , they didn 't have to work the whole weekend . A special treat was that the early snow this year gave them an unexpected chance to ski too . Being outside in nature gave them all a bit of peace away from all the questions . For Sam , it was her first opportunity to try downhill skiing unlike the other two who tried to make it to Big Bear every chance they could get . " That powder was incredible , " Johnny said . " We were pretty lucky that there was such an early snow this year . Would you want to head up to Big Bear after Thanksgiving ? Maybe we can get in some more skiing . " " That sounds like a great idea , " Roy said . " Chris loved it the last time we went . I think this time maybe we should bring Joann and Jenny too . Jenny is at a great age now to learn to ski . " Johnny looked back at Sam sitting in the backseat and smiled to her . He tried to pull Sam out of her funk by getting her to talk . " I 'm not sure what you were doing could be called skiing though Sam , " Johnny said . " You spent more time on your butt than you did on your skis . " Sam suddenly seemed aware that the conversation shifted to her . She didn 't take the kidding with her normal ease . " You know , it was my first time , " She said in an annoyed tone . " I know , " Sam agreed . " Alex really wanted to be here , but he was so sick during the last shift , I 'm kind of glad he decided to stay home . I 'm not interested in catching the flu . " Since Sam completed her paramedic training six months earlier , she was assigned to Squad 36 . Sam went into every new station with a little bit of anxiety . But , her partner , Alex Martinez , was a great person to work with and made her transition into station 36 a pretty smooth one . Everyone had warmly welcoming to her , even though she was a girl . In fact , being able to do something even though she was a girl , or in the case of the others . . . A boy , became an inside joke among her crew mates . Another thing that was helpful to her fitting in was the reputation she built from training at 51 . The one story that stood out to many was that Sam had rescued both Johnny and Roy from a burning building . When Alex unknowingly teased Chet afterwards about having a girl at the Station , Chet was pretty upset and gave him an earful about how great she was and her singlehanded rescue of the guys . Alex learned right then , that Sam was a force to be reckoned within the department . So , when she was assigned to work with him , he felt he was pretty lucky . Being partner with the only woman paramedic in the department had led to a few great opportunities too , including the conference . Alex was suppose to come , but developed a bad case of the flu and had to back out at the last minute . That left just the three on the trip . Although Johnny felt bad that Alex was sick , he was pleased to be able to spend some quality time with Sam . He had spent quite a bit of time with her when she was injured during her last rescue as a trainee 6 months ago . She was injured so badly , she spent a month in intensive care and nearly died . With no family alive to help her during her recovery , Johnny stepped in and took good care of Sam for her first month back at home . They had really begun to get to know each other . But since Sam recovered and was assigned to 36 , their time together had been limited . In addition , Sam seemed to be more depressed and introverted lately . She wasn 't talking much about what was bothering her except to say it had nothing to do with hRoy looked down at the map in his hands and looked around for landmarks of the area . It was still very foggy and hard to see anything . " I think so , " Johnny answered . " I know we needed to make a left to get to the Freeway . But , it 's so foggy I . . . . " Before Johnny could finish his sentence , his range rover hit a large patch of black ice and started sliding around . The Rover seemed to be picking up speed . Johnny fought for control of the car but as hard as he tried , they went off the side of the road and down into the trees . " Hold on , " Roy yelled . Roy reached out to the dashboard to brace for impact . The car rolled , bounced then flipped end over end before coming to rest , right side up , in a bunch of fir trees . The tire from the hood of the rover rolled off into the distance . Then , everything was quiet . The engine smoked and sizzled a bit from the impact . Johnny opened his eyes . He blinked a couple times as he tried to focus and clear the cobwebs from his head . He had a splitting headache . His hips and side hurt from the seatbelt and his back and neck were stiff . A trickle of blood was running down his face from where he hit his head on the steering wheel . Johnny reached up and touched the blood dripping down his face . He looked at his hand and saw the blood on his fingertips . As he took a deeper breath , Johnny noticed the soreness of his left side . Johnny looked over at Roy seated next to him . Roy was still unconscious . Johnny unbuckled his seat belt and looked around behind him for Sam . The back passenger door was ajar and their luggage was strewn around everywhere inside the back . Johnny was afraid that Sam had been thrown from the vehicle . He got out of the car quickly and immediately regretted his speed as his head began to swim . Johnny grabbed the side of the car to steady himself and took some breaths to fight the nausea . When he recovered his senses , Johnny started walking around the back end of the Rover looking for Sam . " Sam , " Johnny called out . Just outside the open front car door , Sam was sitting in the snow . She looked up as Johnny came around . " Are you Ok ? " Johnny asked . Sam looked up at Johnny . " I 'm all right , " she answered . " I must have banged my head . I was coming over to check on Roy . After getting the door open , I started to get dizzy and thought it was best to just sit down . " He 's ok , " Sam said . " Just unconscious . But I didn 't check on him much further than that . " " Yeah , " Johnny said . Since Sam was so dizzy , Johnny did a quick check on her . He was sure she had a concussion just as he was sure that he probably did too . He tried to find the bump on her head . He reached around behind her right ear , but she pushed his hand away . Johnny smiled . He was relieved that she didn 't seem too bad . Sam got up and climbed back into the back seat giving room for Johnny to check on Roy . She found the drug box that they brought for the conference and the first aid kit that Johnny always kept in his car . Sam knew that at least Johnny would need some medical attention and maybe Roy too . Johnny was feeling a little wobbly himself but he had to do a more thorough check on Roy . As Johnny moved to the open door , Roy was beginning to regain consciousness . Roy looked up at Johnny . " Are you ok partner ? " Johnny asked Roy . Johnny checked Roy 's eyes , back and limbs . It looked like he had a good bump on his head and broken right arm as Roy suspected . " You 're right . It 's broken , " Johnny agreed . " Just above the wrist . " Sam grabbed the equipment that they had brought for the conference . She handed Johnny the splint . He carefully splinted Roy 's arm and wrist . Then he took out the triangle bandage and created a sling to keep his arm still and stable . When he was done with Roy , Sam pulled Johnny aside . " Now it 's your turn . Johnny , sit and let me look at that head . " Johnny traded spots with Sam and sat inside the open door of the back seat . Roy climbed gingerly out of his seat and stood behind Sam to watch her work on his partner . Sam looked at his head , then taped a gauze pad to stop the bleeding . Johnny flinched and complained as she taped it down . " It looks like you banged your head pretty good on the steering wheel , " Sam said . " You 're probably going to need a few stitches . How 's your back and neck ? " Sam carefully helped Johnny get his shirt off then tightly wrapped his ribs . When she was finished with Johnny , With Sam 's help , Johnny gingerly put his shirt and wool sweater back on . Sam sat on the ground in front of Johnny and Roy sat on the front seat of the rover with his legs hanging out . " Don 't worry about it Johnny , " Roy said . " We all know it was just an accident . The big question is , do you know where we are ? " Johnny was rubbing his ribs and thought . He looked around . " I thought I did , but now I 'm thinking we made a wrong turn . " " Roy , can you hand me the map ? " Johnny asked . Roy reached for the map that was on the passenger seat and handed it to Johnny . He started looking at it . " I think we 're about 20 miles from the main road , " He said . Johnny pointed to the spot where he suspected that they were . There was an old logging road that was also used as fire access in the heavily wooded area . Johnny believed that he turned on that road by mistake . The three looked at the map where he was pointing . They looked around at where they were . The Rover rolled to a stop a few hundred yards off the road in a grove of three story fir trees and ferns . With all the trees and brush , and the distance they were from the road , there was no way they were going to be able to be seen from the road or from the air . Then the fog made everything worse . The fog gave an ethereal feeling to the whole area . Being that it was still morning in the mountains and snow on the ground , there was a chill in the air and the fog made everything feel moist . Sam shivered a little . " Well , " she said . " I 'm pretty sure we all have at least a concussion . Between the fog and the trees , there 's no way we are going to be seen down here . " " No one is going to miss us for at least 12 hours , " Roy said . " Even when they do , they won 't know to look for us here . It 's going to get below freezing again tonight and the news this morning said another storm system is coming in . The storm should be here by this afternoon and is expected to dump a foot of snow . We wouldn 't last more than a day , maybe 2 just waiting around here . Then , there won 't be any search , for a while anyway , because of the storm . " " I know it 's best to stay with the vehicle , but considering everything , I think the only thing we can do is to start walking , " Johnny said . " It 's early enough in the day . If we start walking right away , even with our injuries , we should be able to make it to the main road before dark . " In this circumstance , they all agreed , Johnny was right . It would be a long hard road . But they needed to do some walking if they were going to survive . Each of them began gathering supplies . They grabbed the snacks they had bought for the road trip and the canteen Johnny often kept for just in case . Sam pulled out her clothes and things from her back pack and put all those needed supplies inside . She also went through the medical supplies for the blood pressure cuff , the penlight , bandages and anything else she thought they might need as they walked . Then they went through their suitcases to find all the warm clothes they had on their trip . They each slipped their ski clothes over their jeans , grabbed their gloves , hats and scarves and when they were bundled up and had their supplies gathered , they started their trek up the hill toward the road . It was quite a climb to get up to the road . The climb started easy enough . It was steady uphill . But as they came closer to the road , it became steeper and harder to find secure footing . There was no way to go around or avoid the climb . Sam grabbed a hold of Roy behind his back and secured her hand around his belt . With one arm to work with , he was having a really hard time maintaining his balance . Falling on that broken arm could make things much worse . Johnny tried to help but with his ribs , there was little he could do to help without making his injuries worse . Sam waved him away and wouldn 't let Johnny help . They continued to climb slowly up until they finally reached the road . Johnny , Roy and Sam all sat at the edge of the road for a minute while they caught their breath . Roy 's face was bright red from the hard climb . Sam was panting hard and very pale . Suddenly , she scurried away from the boys to the edge of the road . She leaned over the edge and vomited . Sam exerted so much energy helping Roy up the steep incline that her head was throbbing by the time they reached the top and caused her to lose her lunch . Sam rubbed the sleeve of her red ski coat across her mouthSam stood up and reached down to help Roy to his feet , then she started walking . Johnny stood up and he and Roy began following her . They all knew that getting started right away would be the best . They still had adrenalin in their system which would push them a bit until the injuries started to have a greater effect . And being that they were already in such good shape before the injuries . That would help too . Sam moved ahead of the other two so that she could walk alone . Johnny looked over at Roy . Their looks to each other spoke volumes . They both knew something was really bothering her and Roy knew that Johnny would find out what it was before the day was over . They had walked for a little more than an hour . Johnny and Roy talked easily about all kinds of things , as they usually did . They talked about skiing , camping , Roy 's kids and what was new at the station . They talked about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday and the meal that Joann had already started planning . Roy described the placemats the kids had made in school and how excited they were for everyone to use them . " Roy , there are so many times I envy you , " Johnny said . " Joann and the kids must make holidays like Thanksgiving incredible . " Roy smiled , " Yeah , it really does , " Roy agreed . " All except for the mother - in - law factor . She is planning to be there for Thanksgiving too . " Johnny giggled a little at that . They looked up ahead . Sam continued to walk quietly , well ahead of them , deep in thought . It was still very foggy and cold , even though it was nearly 11am , but bundled up and moving , the chill was slight . They had been walking for a little more than an hour and were all beginning to feel tired and sore . Johnny noticed Sam had a small of a mis - step and also seemed to be limping a bit . He pointed it out to Roy and the two of them increased their speed some so that they could catch up with her . " Sam , come on . I can tell you 're having some trouble , " Johnny said . " Your starting to limp and you look like you might be a little dizzy . " " Besides , " Roy said . " I wouldn 't mind taking a few minutes and having some water and maybe some aspirin . My arm and head are really starting to ache . I think the adrenalin is starting to wear off . " Sam realized that they wouldn 't give up and that they were probably as tired and sore as she was . " Ok , " she agreed . " My head is thumping pretty good too . Johnny saw a place just ahead off the side of the road where a tree came down leaving a log that they could sit on . Johnny walked over and gently sat . Roy put his good hand down and helped to lower himself down . Sam pulled the backpack off her back and set it down between her and Johnny , then she sat too . As they sat there , Johnny pulled the canteen out of the backpack . They passed it around and each took a sip . Johnny dug through the first aid kit for the aspirin and handed a couple to Roy who drank them down . Then pulled out a couple granola bars . Roy and Johnny both had one , but Sam waved it away . Her stomach was still bothering her more than she liked . Johnny and Roy both knew that a concussion does all kinds of things to the human body . Headaches and nausea being he top two . But with a twenty mile hike , she needed to eat . They would need to keep a close eye on her . " You know , we 're going to be walking a while longer . " Johnny smiled . " Might as well tell us about it . You know we 're not just going to let it go . " Sam knew Johnny was right . She couldn 't just keep going and not say anything . " It 's really not that big of a deal , " she explained . " It 's just that , today is my Dads birthday . I found him in His store the day after his 47th birthday . It 's been almost two years now since he died . " " He died six months after Vinnie and Becca , " Sam explained . " He had a massive MI . " Sam started to think about those events and her emotions began to take over . She reached up and rubbed her forehead . The pain in her head had become as constant as a toothache and was starting to really play with her emotions . Tears started to stream down her face . Sam grabbed the backpack , swung it onto her back and started walking again . She worked hard to compose herself . Sam always felt embarrassed about showing her emotions . She was suppose to be as strong as the guys . But with this headache she was losing her battle with those emotions . Johnny and Roy stood up and started walking on either side of her . " I was seven when my mom died , " Sam explained . " My Dad was never able to have any more kids . He never got to have the big family he always wanted . He thought of Vinnie as the son he never had . It broke his heart to see him buried . Not that there was much to bury after the explosion . I was still in the hospital when they had the funeral . In a way that was a good thing . " Sam paused , deep in thought . " We were all always so close . We did everything together . Me and Becca and Vinnie . She was like my sister . Vinnie was like my brother . They couldn 't have been closer to me if we were born in the same family . Vinnie 's Mom was like my surrogate mother after my mom died . I knew her my whole life . " Sam took a deep breath and tried again to calm herself . Vinnie 's Mom came to the station a few days after I came back to work . " Sam rubbed her hand on the side of her face remembering what happened . Vinnie 's Mom came to the station . The Captain led her to the Rec Room where Sam was with the men on her shift . They were just talking and drinking coffee . Sam saw her come in . She got up and walked stiffly to her . Sam still was a little sore from the injuries she sustained in the explosion . Sam smiled as she walked over but Vinnie 's Mom just scowled . When Sam was close enough , instead of the usual hug , she slapped Sam across the face leaving a red imprint of her hand across Sam 's cheek . " He trusted you , " she screamed . " You were suppose to be protecting him . You let my Vinnie die ! " Sam stood there , in shock from what was being said . The men pulled the grieving woman away . Sam remembered how angry Vinnie 's Mom was and the slap across the face for letting her son die . The men on the shift all said Sam did nothing wrong , but Sam didn 't seem to hear them at all . " That was the last time she spoke to me , " Sam said . " My job was to protect Vinnie . I was the one watching his back . Every time I think about it . . . I go over everything . I don 't know what I could have done differently . There had to be something I could have done differently . I . . . " Sam was sobbing . Johnny grabbed her arm and stopped her . He looked right into her face . " Sam . stop it . " Johnny forcefully interrupted . " None of that was your fault . " Roy said . " There was nothing you could do for Vinnie or Becca that you didn 't do . We know that and you know that . You also know a massive heart attack takes years to come to that point . Your father didn 't die of a broken heart . He had a disease . You know these things . Stop blaming yourself . You didn 't kill them . " " It was never the same again , " Sam said . Johnny put his arm around her shoulders and tried to comfort her . " Sam , Roy 's right , " Johnny said . " You did NOTHING wrong . " Sam didn 't seem to see or hear him through her tears that began to heavily flow . She was defenseless to stop it and began to sob as all the emotions she held in for the past two years flowed out . She pulled away from Johnny and started to back away . Sam stumbled and fell back onto her bottom . She grimaced , was in pain and frustrated . " They were angry that I lived when the others died . They were my family . I loved them . I didn 't want them to go . They died right in front of me . Vinnie was blown to pieces before my eyes . It tore me apart inside . I tried to be strong . I tried to be strong for his crew , for his Mom and my Dad . For Becca 's family . But they treated me like a criminal . They treated me like I killed them on purpose . Do you know what that 's like to be so rejected ? To be so hurt by the people who were suppose to Love you . " Sam screamed at Johnny then put her head in her hands and just cried . Johnny stared at her for a moment and sighed . " Yes I do , " he quietly said . Sam began to calm and looked up at him , finally seeming to her what he had said . " What ? " She said . " I got to watch my parents die right before my eyes , " Johnny explained . " We were in a car accident . My Dad died instantly and I held my Moms hand as she took her last breath . I was the one left behind and alone . I was blamed for my mother 's death just because I was born . I was punished for living when they died . " Johnny continued . " To the Lakota I was a dirty halfbreed . To the whites , I was a good for nothing Indian . As an adult , it 's easier to understand the grieving , anger and bigotry . As a ten year old boy , it 's just confusing . " Sam just stared at him and was suddenly ashamed by her outburst . " I 'm sorry Johnny . " " Everyone has something from their past that hurts , " Johnny said . " But we can 't change the past . We just need to keep moving forward . " " Speaking of moving forward , " Roy interrupted . " We should probably get moving again . We still have a long way to go and it feels like it 's getting colder . " Johnny grabbed Sam 's hand and steadied her as she got back to her feet . They continued to walk slowly forward . Sam rubbed her head and squeezed her eyes tight . Johnny noticed what she was doing and asked her , " Is your head really bothering you ? " Johnny guided Sam to the side of the road and stood her with her back against a tree to steady her . He and Roy took the backpack from her and sat her down at the base of the tree . Johnny scooted onto one knee . He dug through the pack until he found the penlight . He took Sam by the chin and lifted her head so she was looking toward his face . Sam seemed to be looking over Johnny 's shoulder . Johnny waved his hand in front of her face and she didn 't react at all . She obviously couldn 't see his hand . Then he flashed the light at her eyes to test her pupillary response . She didn 't respond to the light either . Johnny gave a worried look to Roy then went on to check the side of her head again and her ears . " Pupils are unequal , " he said to Roy . Johnny checked her head better whether she liked it or not . Sam squirmed with the prodding . " And there 's some fluid in her ears , " he reported to Roy . Sam didn 't say anything . Between the nagging headache , nausea and emotional outburst , she already suspected that . But they were still at least an hour walk before they could get back to civilization . They all knew , Sam would just get worse the more she walked . But they would all die if they stayed too . The sky was getting darker , the air was getting colder and a wind started to blow . The storm was coming into the area and they all knew it . It was a difficult decision that none of them really wanted to make . They sat there for a minute contemplating the next move . Sam made the hard decision for them . Johnny was still kneeling in front of Sam when she stood up and practically knocked Johnny over as she did . " So am I going alone ? " Sam asked . Johnny took Sam 's hand and they continued to walk along the long road . He moved carefully and led her around anything that could trip her up . They were all hoping that they would be found soon . They all were walking silently . All they could hear was the crunch of their shoes in the small bit of snow on the ground . Even the animals were quiet . Sam hung her coat on the hook next to the front door and kicked off her shoes . She walked further into the house and put her shoulder bag on the kitchen table . She switched on the light . Sam was wearing the uniform of the Fort Yukon Fire Department . Sam went back outside , pulling her coat tightly around her body to protect herself from the November Chill . The street was quiet . Lights could be seen through the windows of the homes along the street and smoke poured out of many of the chimneys . A storm was coming . Sam bounded up the stairs of the store . The lights were on and it was warm inside . She looked around as she walked further into the store but it seemed that no one was there . She threw her coat onto the counter . " Daddy ! " She called out again . Sam walked through the store . She didn 't see him down any row or behind any counter . Sam walked into the storage room in the back . There was a box laying in the middle of the aisle . It didn 't belong there . Sam walked over to the box and looked curiously at it lying in such an unusual place . As she got closer , Sam noticed her father lying next to the box . " Daddy ! ! ! ! " Sam screamed . She kneeled down next to her father and rolled him onto his back . She checked his carotid pulse . There was no heartbeat . Sam gave him a pre - cordial thump and began CPR . Sam continued CPR , crying as she did so . She knew it was too late but refused to give up . " Daddy , No . " Sam stumbled and she went to her knees , practically jerking Johnny to the ground with her . She was falling face first to the ground . Johnny held on tight to keep her from falling too hard . He grunted and grabbed his side as he lowered her down . Johnny let Sam 's hand slip from his and he stood up straight and started trying to take some easy shallow breaths as he moved around . Johnny felt those cracked ribs shift and the pain of the movement caused Johnny to have his own waves of nausea . Sam put her hands in the snow and vomited . Roy saw the exchange and knew that Johnny did some further damage to his ribs . Roy came up to Sam and rubbed her back with his good hand . Sam finished and sat back unsteadily on her heels . She put her hands to her head . Johnny finally started feeling a bit better and looked over at Roy and Sam . " Roy , we need to move her over there near those trThe two helped Sam stand up on wobbly legs . Roy grabbed one of Sam 's arms and Johnny grabbed the other . They rushed her over to the trees . As they were nearly to the trees , Sam 's legs gave out on her again and nearly pulled the two men to the ground creating another wave of pain for Johnny . They gently laid her down on her side in the bed of fir needles at the base of the tree . Roy helped Johnny carefully slip the backpack off his back . " My head really hurts , " Sam said as she rolled on the ground . " I know honey , " Johnny answered . " Just hang in there . " Roy kneeled down next to her and brushed her short brown hair from her face . Sam 's eyes were closed and she had no reaction to the touch . " She lost consciousness , " Roy said . " Johnny , she can 't go any further . " He was about to go when Roy stopped him . " Johnny , you 're not going to get far with those ribs , " Roy said . " I 'll go . You stay with Sam . " " Roy , " Johnny said . The snow started to fall as Roy began to walk quickly away . The storm they had been expecting all day had finally arrived . Roy knew that time was short , not just because Sam was getting worse , but that if he didn 't hurry , they would all freeze to death . " Roy , be careful , " Johnny said . Roy nodded and rushed into the storm . Johnny watched Roy until he walked out of sight of the grove of trees . Johnny then moved to Sam . He held his side as he sat with his back against the tree . He took a few breaths to help steady his breathing . every movement now was painful . Johnny helped Sam lay with her head across his lap . He brushed the hair out of her face . Johnny checked Sam 's pulse and breathing . She started to stir a bit . " Johnny ? " " Johnny , I 'm sorry . " Sam explained , " I didn 't want you and Roy to get stuck out here because of me and I 'm sorry for yelling at you earlier . " " Knock off the blame , " Johnny said . " I 'm as guilty for this whole thing as you are . Even more so , since I was driving . I turned on the wrong road and you couldn 't help being hurt any more than I could . " He never really wanted to share much about his childhood with anyone . The only one he really ever shared with was Roy . But he knew she was looking for a distraction to get through the next hour or so until help came . Johnny started to think about it . He remembered his parents and his childhood and started to tell the story . Johnny was about ten years old . He was in his room putting away his clothes . The moccasins his mother made for him when he was born sat in a place of honor on top of his dresser . Johnny carefully made his bed and lovingly pulled the quilt his mother made for him up . He laid the pillows in their place and gently smoothed out the quilt . The house smelled of bacon eggs , toast , and coffee ; Johnny 's fathers favorite Saturday breakfast . As Johnny came out of his room he could hear his mother singing . As he came closer to the kitchen he heard the quiet giggles of his parents . Johnny snuck a peek around the corner and watched his parents sing together and dance in the small square kitchen and around the table . The room was sparse . Just a simple dining set with a small table and four dining chairs . A red and white checkered table cloth covered the table . His father started to sing too , but didn 't have the beautiful voice that she did . Johnny smiled as he watched the two of them together . His father had his hands wrapped tightly around his mother 's thin waist and she had her arms around his neck . She was wearing a beautiful white dress with simple salmon colored beading . Her long straight black hair hung loosely down to her waist . His father was tall , thin and strong . He was wearing jeans and a red flannel shirt with the arms of the shirt rolled up to the elbow . He was wearing his boots and the rodeo belt buckle he won at the local rodeo just a couple months ago . Johnny 's father had short black hair and smiled with the same crooked smile that he shared with his son . Both of Johnny 's parents were smiling and looked so happy . Momma looked over and spotted Johnny watching them . " There you are my little one , " she said . " Come on over here and let 's get some breakfast into you . It 's going to be a big day . " Johnny walked over to his mother . She mussed his scruffy black hair and kissed him on the forehead as he looked up to her . She poured Johnny a big glass of milk and he began to eat the food on his plate . Johnny 's parents both sat at the table with him and worked on their breakfast too . They talked as they ate . " So what do you know about the horses they have there ? " Johnny 's mother asked . Johnny 's father answered . " I think we can find a couple of great breeding mares . It 's going to be a great day . " Johnny was riding in the back seat of the car as they drove down the road . Johnny 's parents were talking quietly to each other . Johnny was quietly playing with a small toy horse as they drove . All of a sudden Johnny 's father said " What the hell ! ! ! " The car swerved . Johnny slid across the backseat of the car and hit his head on the window . The car catapulted off the road and Johnny felt himself launched from the car . Johnny landed on his arm and felt the bone snap as he hit . Johnny continued to roll down the hill and finally came to a stop in the grass . He grabbed his wrist and started to cry . After a few moments , the pain started to ease and Johnny started to look around for his parents . There was no answer to his calls . Johnny looked around more . He saw the car at the bottom of the hill . It was on fire . He could hear some sirens in the distance . Johnny stood up and looked around more . He spotted his mothers white dress in the grass . Johnny crawled over to where his mother was laying . Her head was bleeding and her breathing was ragged . She looked up as Johnny came to her . She smiled at him . " Johnny , don 't be afraid . Everything is going to be all right . I love you my little one , " she said . " I will always love you . No matter what , remember . Mommy and Daddy love you . " She reached up and wiped the tears from his face with her thumb and held his face in her hand . Johnny cried even harder . Even at his young age , he seemed to know that her time with him was coming to an end . She lovingly smiled at him . Then the smile faded . Her hand slipped from his face . She closed her eyes as she took her last breaths . Johnny could hear the fire truck and men come up behind him and the water began to spray over the car to control the beginning of the brush fire . The water blew back at Johnny wetting his face and body . The spray of the cool water mixed with his hot tears . The snow was coming down much harder now . It was hard to see . The sun was fighting to keep light in the sky . Roy was slogging through the now almost foot deep snow . He could see the main road ahead . A few cars drove by but the road was much quieter now that the storm had arrived in force . It was hard to even hear the cars as they drove by . The snow in the air and on the ground seemed to muffle all sound . Roy waved at the cars as they drove by , but no one was stopping . Roy shivered from the increasing cold . He looked down the road one way , then the other . He saw the light from a small diner not too far down the road . Roy moved quickly , almost running to the diner . There were only a couple cars parked in front . Roy pushed through the door and into the warmth of the diner , looking for someone to help him . A police officer seated in the booth toward the back of one side of the diner got up and walked forward . " Mr . DeSoto , " the officer said . " I thought you were headed home this morning ? " The officer took a better look and noticed the splint and bandages on Roy 's arm . " What the hell happened to you ? " He asked as he looked Roy up and down . " We took a wrong turn in the fog this morning , " Roy answered . " Listen , Johnny and Sam were pretty badly hurt . Can you call an ambulance and we go get them ? " " Yeah , sure , " he said . " Come on . " Roy and the officer rushed out to his car parked on the far side of the diner and got on the radio . " Dispatch , this is car 933 . I have a traffic accident down the Mill Creek fire road . three victims . Send an ambulance ASAP . They are reported to be about 5 miles south of the highway . I 'm on my way there now . " Johnny checked Sam 's pulse . It was fast but getting weaker . He could hear the sirens in the distance and knew that help was on the way . " Sam , " Johnny said . " Do you hear the siren Sam ? Help is on the way . They are coming . " The officer pulled the car over to the side of the road . He could see them sitting at the base of a large fir tree , surrounded by snow . He leapt out of the car and ran over to where Johnny was sitting with Sam . Roy got out slower , in obvious pain and followed the officer to them . " The ambulance is on the way , " the officer said . " It should be here any time now . " " We cant wait for the ambulance , " Johnny said . " Roy , she 's unconscious now . She 's been fading in and out of consciousness for about twenty minutes . " " Her breathing is slower and her pulse is getting weak . I 'm afraid we may lose her . " The officer Picked Sam up off Johnny 's lap and carried her shivering form over to the squad car . Roy reached down and took Johnny 's hand , helping him to his feet . Johnny rushed to the squad car as fast as he could . He sat down in the back seat of the squad car and the officer laid Sam down with him . Johnny made sure she was positioned well and was able to breathe easily . Roy got into the front seat with the officer , they made a u - turn and headed back down the road and to the hospital , sirens blaring . " One of the accident victims has been seriously hurt , we can 't wait for the ambulance so I 'm transporting to the hospital in my unit . I have those Los Angeles paramedics with me . They wanted me to contact the hospital . " The officer handed Roy the microphone and Roy passed on the information about victims condition . " We have three victims of a traffic accident . Victim one is a female , 23 years old . She has a bad bump behind her right ear . Possible skull fracture . The injury is affecting her vision . She has fluid in both ears and is now unconscious . Pupils unequal . Respiration is 15 and shallow . Pulse is 120 and weak . " Roy continued with Johnny , " Victim 2 is a male , 26 years old . He has a bad bump and laceration over his left eye . Probable concussion . He also has pain in his left chest . Probable broken ribs and possible broken sternum . Victim three is a male , 29 years old . Also probable concussion and broken right humorous above the wrist . The break is splinted . ETA is about . . . " Roy repeated the ETA . Dispatch transmitted the information to the hospital . The hospital was prepared as soon as they arrived . The doctor met them at the door and started to check on Sam as they walked down the hall to the treatment room . Johnny and Roy followed right behind Sam into the treatment room . Once they got in , Johnny got the oxygen and put the mask on Sam as the doctor started to look her over better . One of the nurses was getting the vital signs . The doctor looked over at the two men who had stepped back and were watching . He nodded at the woman who was obviously the head nurse . The nurse came to both Johnny and Roy . " Dr . Miller will take care of her , " She said , then ushered them out of Sam 's treatment room and into their own . It had been several hours since they arrived at the hospital . The doctor came into the room to find Johnny and Roy both sitting in their hospital beds . Johnny was shirtless and had his ribs tightly taped and he had a fresh bandage on his head . Roy had his arm in a cast and resting on a pillow in his lap . " Gentlemen , I 'm Dr . Miller . I believe I spoke to you both at the conference . I 'm head of Emergency Services and neurosurgery here . How are you both doing ? " " She 's doing fine , " Dr . Miller answered . " She has a skull fracture as you suspected and came through surgery with no complications . We have her in ICU now where we can keep a close eye on her . She 's still unconscious , but much more stable now . The swelling seems to be going down and as it does I 'm sure her vision will return . If everything continues as it has been , we may be able to release all three of you by the end of the week . " Johnny let his head fall back into the pillow and closed his eyes . He took as deep a breath as he could . Both men were relieved and thankful to hear that she was doing so much better . Johnny looked over at Roy . " When I heard the three of you speak , to be honest , " Dr . Miller said . " I didn 't think I would be seeing much about paramedics so soon . Even without your equipment and being injured yourselves , you were pretty impressive . " " I think we 're going to have some more serious conversations about starting this paramedic program here in Nevada , " Dr Miller said . " Now , I 'll leave you two to get some rest . I 'm sure you both must have some pretty serious headaches . I 'll keep you updated on Sam . " Johnny sat in the darkened hospital room next to Sam 's bed . An IV hung from the stand and the heart rate monitor was beeping steadily . Her head was wrapped in a large white bandage . Johnny just sat and stared at her sleeping form . He was no longer dressed in a hospital gown . He was now wearing sweat pants and a red flannel shirt . Roy came walking into the room and saw Johnny sitting there . " The Rover is totaled , " Roy said . " The frame is so twisted they had a hard time even towing it . It 's hard to believe that none of us was more badly hurt . " " I was talking to Joann . I think we 're going to get a room at the MGM for a night or two , " Roy said . " Johnny , how about you come with us ? Dr . Miller and Dr . Brackett both said we all need to get rest . " " You have been in here all day and sleeping in that chair , " Roy said . " I know you can 't have been very comfortable or getting much rest , especially with those ribs . Now come on . She 'll be fine for a while . " Sam rolled a little in bed and put her arm over her eyes . " I agree . Go away , and turn off that light on your way out . I have a horrible headache . " Johnny and Roy smiled at Sam . They were both relieved that she had finally regained consciousness and seemed to be able to see again . Johnny held his sore ribs and leaned forward . He pushed the call button for the nurse . Johnny started to protest but then thought better of it . He knew they were both right . Johnny moved slowly out of the chair . He wrapped his right arm across his ribs , holding them tight as he moved . As they were walking out of the room , the nurse walked past them going back out . Johnny looked back at Sam peacefully sleeping . " Forget it Roy , " Johnny said . He waved his hand a bit to say never mind . Johnny started walking away with a shocked and confused look Roy following behind . The Characters of Emergency do not belong to me . They are the property of Universal Studios and Mark VII Limited . No copyright infringement is intended or monetary gain made . While the characters belong to Universal Studios and Mark VII limited . . . The story 's are the property of the authors . |
Adam asked him exactly where he was and then gave him directions to his house . He told Donny to get up off the floor when he 'd terminated the call . Then he had him down the stairs and in the dungeon . He had him bent over the horse and secured by wrists and ankles to it . Then he got Aaron down there and put him in the suspension rig after he 'd told him to strip out of his clothes . Aaron asked no questions , but he looked scared . Adam didn 't say anything to calm his fears because he didn 't know what was going to happen . He went back upstairs to wait for Pete to arrive . He had no idea if Lisa was with him or not . He just sat in the living room and waited . He was sure that Donny and Aaron were afraid of what was coming , but neither of them knew that Pete was on his way . Aaron likely didn 't even know Pete . Donny would know him though . He didn 't have long to wait either . Pete knocked on the door a few minutes after Adam had sat down on the couch . He went and answered the door . Pete stood on the other side with a strange look on his face . Adam didn 't know what to expect . " I guess I really needed to see for myself that you were all right , " Pete said as he came through the door . " I can 't believe you have them here in your house . Adam they could hurt you . " Before he thought about what he was doing he got up and went to the office . He found the book with the potion in it and brought it back to the living room and handed it to Pete . He waited while Pete read the page and the recipe for the potion . Then he just sat there . Pete looked at the book for a long time and then finally he looked at Adam . " It 's a potion , " Adam replied . " You mix it with a few strands of hair from the person you want to compel and then you put it in something they 'll eat or drink . They 'll be under your control for as long as they consume that potion . " Then he was telling him about finding the book at the bus stop before school one morning . He told him about his assignment that first week of class in Storyville and how he 'd cast a spell for money . He told him that when his mother and stepfather died their insurance was for the exact amount he 'd cast the spell for . Then he told him about Melvin and how he 'd put the potion in Melvin 's coffee for almost the entire year . " Yes , " Adam said . " Melvin convinced himself that he was in love with me . I didn 't expect the potion to do that , and I don 't really think that was part of what the potion does . I think Melvin just chose to believe that he was in love with me when I ordered him to pretend to be my boyfriend for you and Lisa . I think he bought the lie and then I stopped giving him the potion . The truth surfaced . He realized that he wasn 't gay and he never loved me . " " I thought he did , too , " Adam said . " That 's why I stopped giving him the potion . I thought that if he was really in love with me I wouldn 't need the potion anymore . I was wrong about him loving me though . He left the very day I stopped giving him the potion . " " So you feed this potion to Aaron and Donny every day and because of it they 're your slaves ? " Pete asked . " Because of the potion they let you do all of the things I saw you do to them on the site ? " They were quiet for a while after that . Pete just kept looking at him like he 'd never seen him before . Adam expected him to blow his top any second . He had no idea what was going through Pete 's mind as he sat there and looked at him . He was sure it wasn 't anything good though . He didn 't think Pete would accept this , and he couldn 't believe he 'd told him . He could have just kept Aaron and Donny a secret . They could have been subdued the way they were at that moment . The dungeon was sound proof . It wasn 't like anyone would hear them if they started to scream for help . They wouldn 't scream for help anyway . They were under the effects of the potion after all . He got up off the couch and headed for the kitchen . Pete followed behind him . They went down the stairs and Adam unlocked the dungeon and turned on the lights . Pete stood there in the doorway looking at them both . His face was blank now . He wasn 't showing anything or giving anything away . Adam was a nervous wreck while Pete just stood there and stared at them . He decided he couldn 't stand it any more . " I don 't know what to say , " Pete said . " It was one thing to see what you were doing to them on the website . It 's another entirely to be standing here seeing them both like this . What is that thing that Donny 's tied to ? " " For what they did to you , Adam , " Pete said , looking at him . " I get why you 've done what you 've done . I don 't know if I agree with it all , but I get it . What is it you call Aaron ? " " All right , " Pete said . " It doesn 't take a rocket scientist to figure out what that means . You make him suck your dick , right ? " " That 's right , " Adam replied . " He sucks my dick and any dick I tell him to suck . He drinks any man 's cum I tell him to drink . He even drinks his own . " " Right , " Pete said . " And Donny is the Fuck Toy . I get that , too . I understand all that you 're doing , Adam . I even understand the reasons for it . What I 'm worried about is if this is what you really want to do . " " Of course it 's what I really want to do , " Adam said . " They deserve everything I give them , Pete . No one will make me feel dirty or ashamed of what I 'm doing . They deserve it . " " Yes he did , " Adam said , though it hurt him to think about it . " He raped me , savagely . He didn 't get half of what he deserved for doing it . " " Yes , but I won 't make that mistake again , " Adam replied . " These two aren 't worth falling in love with . They 're meat . " " I see them as objects , property that I own , " Adam said . " They perform sexual favors for anyone I decide . They do what I tell them to do . I control every aspect of their lives . Fuck Toy sleeps cuffed to that bed over there or in one of those cages . Cum Dump sucks my dick every morning and usually every night . He drinks my cum and the cum of anyone else I decide he 's going to suck . Fuck Toy 's life is about being fucked , pain , humiliation and degradation . You see that ? " He pointed at the fuck bike . " That 's Fuck Toy 's workout machine . He rides that for two hours every morning . " He pointed at the fucking machine . " That fucks him for hours when I hook him up to it . I even have another one set up for the cage . When he 's in that cage he 's fucked the whole time . " He walked around the dungeon and showed Pete all of the tools and toys he had at his disposal . He gave him detailed explanations for how they were used , which ones were used on Cum Dump and which ones were used on Fuck Toy . He told Pete everything right down to milking Fuck Toy 's prostate . He showed him the machine and explained how it worked . He told him that he 'd milked him already and made him drink his own cum until it was all back in his body . He told him about Brian and the other men who had come for the barbecue and had used Cum Dump 's throat . He told him that he was planning another barbecue in the future for them to come back and fuck Fuck Toy 's ass . He told him that this would never stop . It would go on until they were all dead . If he decided he didn 't want them anymore then he 'd give them to Brian or Master Rick . Pete had a haunted look on his face as they went back up the stairs after Adam had released Cum Dump and told him to put on his jock and get lunch going . They sat in the living room while the slave carried out his Master 's orders . Pete had a million questions . Adam did his best to answer them . He showed him the shake that Fuck Toy drank three times a day and explained that for one day out of every week he ate the same things that Adam did but they were chopped up with milk and put in a dog bowl to show Fuck Toy just what Adam thought of him . Then he watched as they sat there and ate their lunch . Fuck Toy sat on the floor with his shake on one side of Adam and Cum Dump sat on the floor with his plate on the other side of Adam . It was a surreal experience for Adam having all of this going on while Pete sat across the table with him . He thought that Pete might be doing all right with it because he actually ate his meal and kept up a steady conversation the whole time . Granted it was all about what Adam was doing to Cum Dump and Fuck Toy but it was a conversation . " Of course they do , " Adam said . " Aaron will be attending the university with me this fall . Donny will either be put to work or spend his days in the cage being fucked by the machine . I haven 't decided yet . " " Adam I don 't know what to think about any of this , " Pete said . " I do think it 's crazy to take Aaron to school with you . What are you going to do , offer his mouth to anyone who wants it ? " " The collar never leaves his neck for any reason , " Adam replied . " There will be a few at the university who will know exactly what it means as well as the tattoo on the back of his neck and I suppose he might have a few hard question to answer for it all . The fact still remains he is my slave and I say what will and what will not happen to him . " Adam stared at him for a moment before he answered . Why would he ever fall in love again ? He 'd learned that painful lesson with Melvin . Love hurt . It nearly tore you apart . Why would he ever even think about doing it again ? He wouldn 't fall in love as long as he remembered that the slaves were his slaves because of what they 'd done to him and no amount of lies could change that . " I 'll never fall in love again , Pete , " Adam said . " Love hurts . It makes you weak . I 'm not weak anymore . I learned my lesson . " " Yes , well I think you 'd better go , Pete , " Adam said . " If you don 't want to drive back at this hour rent a hotel room . I want you out of my house though . " " No , " he replied quickly . " Go , Pete . I don 't need to be reminded of things that hurt me . I have two slaves to keep my memory fresh . Just go . " Pete left after begging Adam to forgive him . Adam would have none of it though . He was hurt and he was angry . After Pete was gone Adam took his anger out on the slaves . He trussed Aaron up , hung the weights from his balls and left him that way while he fucked Donny . Donny got no special treatment either . Adam spent a little time squeezing his balls and looking at his pain filled eyes before he got him set up with the milking machine and turned it all on . Then he went to give Aaron the condom full of his cum to suck on while he masturbated him . As soon as the condom was full on Aaron 's dick it came off and went into Aaron 's mouth . When he let Aaron down both brothers were placed in cages after Donny drank his own cum out of the cup . There wasn 't as much of it as the first time but it was enough to make him drink it . Adam closed Aaron into the cage on the floor and then put Donny in the cage above it on his knees so that he could turn it and set up the fucking machine . He gave them both strict orders not to talk to each other and then left them in the dark . He went back upstairs and tried to calm down . This was his life . He understood that Pete couldn 't accept it . That was fine , but why had Pete been so cruel about it ? He didn 't understand that part . They were supposed to be friends . He thought about it for an hour and then finally went back down to let Aaron out of the cage . He told him to clean up the supper dishes and then get to bed . He was done with the slaves for the night . Donny would stay in the cage with the fucking machine fucking away at his lubed asshole all night long . It went on like that for days . Adam was still angry about Pete . He didn 't know what to do and he had no idea how to get over it . He did get Donny out of the cage though . Aaron sucked his dick every morning and Adam fucked Donny every night . Aaron grew quiet and withdrawn after a few days of Adam 's silence . Adam thought about that and decided it was time to just get over it all . He called Brian and asked him to set up another barbecue . School was getting closer so he wanted it done before they had to register for classes . The barbecue happened that Saturday . All of them showed up . They marveled over the slaves and commented on how Adam had gotten the upper hand over two men who had basically raped and tortured him . They admired him for what he 'd done . Adam found himself near laughter over it all . If these men knew the truth they 'd be anything but admiring . He thought about that as he moved the party to the dungeon where each of them took turns in Aaron 's mouth and Donny 's ass . They fucked him twice a piece and fucked Aaron 's throat while they waited for Donny 's ass to be available . It went on until dark . Adam saw them all out afterward , but Brian stayed . " Well I have to move out of my apartment , " Brian said . " I was wondering if I could stay here with you for a little while . It would just be until I found another apartment . " Adam looked at him for a long moment before he said anything . He thought about how different it was with Aaron than Brian probably thought it should be . Then there was the potion . Of course it was in the shakes for Donny and in the tea for Aaron . Perhaps that was good enough to keep it secret . Bryan wouldn 't find out about it , and if he did Adam would be forced to make another potion . He didn 't like that idea , but he liked Bryan and wanted to help him out . " You can stay here , " he said finally . " I can move all of my stuff out of the third bedroom and put it in my room . You have a bed ? " That 's just what they did . Aaron and Donny moved everything out of the third bedroom and put it all where Adam told them to put it . Then they used the truck Adam had rented and moved Brian 's belongings to the house . They set up the bedroom the way Brian told them to and that was that . It was tense and strange for Adam but he just put one foot in front of the other and saw it through . When Brian was all moved in they went over the house rules for the slaves . Adam told him exactly what the routines were for Fuck Toy and Cum Dump . They had a long discussion about the milking machine and fucking machines . The bike was something that Brian thought was amazing , but he cautioned that Fuck Toy could be permanently damaged by all the fucking with the machine . He told Adam to use the machine now and then but not every day and not for extended periods of time . Adam listened to what he had to say and really paid attention when he said that Fuck Toy could be permanently damaged . He didn 't want him permanently damaged , he just wanted him to suffer . That could be done without damaging him for life . So in the end he decided that Fuck Toy would get a reprieve . Brian also helped him find a job for Fuck Toy . It was a filthy job and Adam loved it . Brian made a few phone calls , explained the situation to whoever he was talking to and then told Adam that Fuck Toy was now employed by the university . He would clean bathrooms and the locker rooms every single day . It would keep him busy while they were in classes and it was a disgusting job . Brian told him that the bathrooms could get really disgusting after so many people used them . Life moved on for Adam . Having Brian there was a distraction but he was getting used to it . He hadn 't heard a thing out of Pete since he 'd basically thrown him out of the house . Instead he and Aaron registered for classes and went to orientation . Adam reminded Aaron to keep his mouth shut and told him what he expected out of him at the university . It went fine and Aaron went off to his first class two days later while Adam and Brian fucked his brother . Then Donny was made to shower and get dressed in the uniform they 'd brought home for him and sent off to work with his shake in a bag for his lunch . Brian introduced Adam to a lot of his college friends . Adam didn 't pay much attention to the guys but he was polite to them when he saw them . Adam focused on his classes , his slaves and making sure that Brian didn 't figure out what was really going on in the house . The last thing he wanted was another discussion like the one he 'd had with Pete . Brian was turning out to be a really good friend , and Adam didn 't want to lose any more friends over what he was doing to Aaron and Donny Coleson . They had the others over for dinner a few times . These dinners always led to the men standing around the dungeon fucking Aaron 's throat or Donny 's ass . Sometimes Adam only watched . At other times he didn 't even stay in the dungeon . He 'd use the time to study or work on projects . Brian commented on it one night after everyone was gone . " Sure , " said Adam after thinking it over for a minute . " You 're with them . You live here and I would hope you wouldn 't let them get out of hand with either of the slaves . " " To be honest the group scenes are fun from time to time , " Adam said . " Most of the time I just get bored with them . I have a lot of studying to do , too . The classes I 'm taking are pretty hard . " " Well you have the same major as mine , " Brian said as he looked at Adam 's books . " I 've had some of those classes already , and I 'll agree they 're hard . Adam if you need to I still have all of my notes from those classes . You can have all of that . " " Not bad really , " Brian replied . " You just seem to trust them all so much . Like you trusted me . I didn 't really expect you to open your home to me the way you did after knowing me for so short a time . " " I had a hunch about you , " Adam said with a chuckle . In reality he 'd decided to let Brian move in because he was so upset about Pete . He 'd wanted a friend . It had been a bad decision on his part , but it had worked out . Two days later he got a phone call from Lisa . It was a tense conversation but Adam agreed to let her and Pete come to the house that Saturday for dinner . Brian helped him get the slaves ready . They weren 't trussed up or caged this time . They cleaned the house and dungeon from top to bottom . Aaron got to work on dinner while Donny did odd jobs around the house while they waited . When they arrived Adam was more nervous than he 'd ever been before . Was Pete going to tell him how he didn 't approve of what he was doing again ? Would he mention the potion in front of Brian ? It was really going to be an interesting night . He wasn 't sure he could handle it , but then they were knocking on the door . He was engulfed in Lisa 's arms as soon as he opened the door . " Adam ! " she gasped as she held him . " Pete told me how angry you were at him . Please don 't be angry at us over this , Adam . " " I 'm not angry at either of you , " he said when she let him go . " I was angry at Pete , but I figured out that I was more angry with myself than him . It was just a bad day , Lisa . Come on in , both of you . " He stepped back and let them into the house . He showed them to the living room where Brian was waiting on the couch . He smiled at them as they came in and Adam introduced them to Brian . He made sure to tell them that Brian was his friend and staying with him because he 'd lost his apartment . " Are you like Adam ? " Pete said and then blushed . He looked from Brian to Adam and back again . " I 'm sorry . I don 't know what to call it . " " Well helping him isn 't the right word , " he said . " Adam was gracious enough to give me a place to stay . I help out in any way he needs . He 's in control of the slaves though . " " Yes it was , " Lisa agreed . " I 'm surprised that Adam hasn 't killed them to be honest . I think what he 's doing to them is perfect . " That shocked Adam so much that he snapped his attention to Lisa . She was nodding at him as he looked at her . She thought it was perfect ? That was almost an about face from what Pete had said when he was there last time . He was startled and amazed by what she said . " Yes , we were all very surprised when we read the bios of the slaves on the site , " Brian said into the silence . " That he got them to submit was amazing . I agree that this is what they deserve , but it 's more about what they need . " Then , as if summoned , Aaron walked into the room carrying a tray with coffee cups and a carafe . He was dressed in his black spandex shorts and the " Cum Dump " t - shirt . He put a cup in front of each of them and filled them with coffee , offered cream and sugar and then left the room again to see to dinner . Pete and Lisa both stared at Adam as Aaron left the room . He didn 't know what to say to either of them . This was the most uncomfortable he 'd ever been in his life . " Adam , I 'm sorry for what I said the last time I was here , " Pete said , making Adam wince . " I really am . It was wrong of me to throw things in you face that way . " Aaron came to tell them that dinner was ready then . He kept his head bowed and waited for Adam to acknowledge him and nod his head before he spoke . Adam noticed that his friends paid special attention to this . Lisa nodded her head slightly , confusing him but Pete just watched . They went to the dining room and sat down at the table . Aaron put plates of roast beef with potatoes and carrots in front of them while Donny went around the table filling glasses . Then he went to the living room to get the coffee cups . It was very surreal even for Adam to witness all of this . Both men kept their heads down and never made eye contact with anyone . They said nothing and performed their tasks quickly and efficiently . Then they went to the kitchen . Adam had given them both very strict orders on what was to happen that night . " No , " Lisa said to him . " He needs to know this . Now I know that he got upset with you over Melvin , but I 'm not planning to throw it in his face . I 'm simply telling him what he needs to know . " " He asked me about you , " she said carefully . " He wanted to know where you 're going to school and what 's going on in your life . I told him you were going to school here and he told me that he 'd just been accepted here as well . " Adam could barely contain himself . Melvin had come to Crippin ? He was attending the university ? He wanted to see him and talk to him ? It was too much . First Pete threw the fact that Adam fell in love with Melvin in his face and now Melvin was going to be there to taunt him and torment him . His perfect little life was about to be destroyed . Well he wouldn 't let that happen . He 'd cast spells to make sure it didn 't happen if he had to . Melvin Borlan wasn 't ruining anything for him again . " Yes , " Adam said . " He left . I 'm not sure what he thinks we have to talk about , but I 'm not worried about it right now . " Adam could only look at his plate . He had to admit to himself that he still loved Melvin . It was a fact that hurt him more than anything else . To have him in Crippin and at the university in front of him all the time was going to be hard . He had to get a grip on himself before he saw Melvin . After all the semester would begin very soon . The summer session was nearly over . " I miss you and Lisa , too , " he said . " But Storyville is out of the question now . I started classes a few weeks ago and I have a house here . I have a life here . " " We understand that , Adam , " Lisa said . " We just wish none of this had happened between you and Melvin . Then you would have never moved to Crippin . " He thought about what his life would have been like if nothing had happened between him and Melvin . If Melvin hadn 't raped him where would he be ? What would his life be like ? He 'd be at Storyville University with Pete and Lisa and happy but his life would be so different . He 'd have no slaves . Well he might have taken Aaron and Donny anyway . Then again he might not have . Melvin raping him was what set the course for what his life was now . It was what had driven him to find a way to take revenge on Melvin and then finally to take revenge on Aaron and Donny . " Well I have moved to Crippin , " he said . " I 'm sorry that things got so crazy . I miss you guys , too . I even miss the campus . I 'm not returning to Storyville though . I may visit but I 'll never live there again . I 'll never live in Crete again either . My life has to move forward . I 'm not saying that I don 't want to be friends with the two of you anymore or anything like that . I 'm just saying that going back to Storyville or Crete would be moving backward . " That made him look at his friend in a whole new light . Pete had basically just told him he accepted what he was doing to Aaron and Donny . He may have even accepted what he 'd done to Melvin . Adam had been so worried that he 'd lose Pete 's friendship over all of this . To hear him say that he accepted it made a weight lift off Adam 's shoulders that he hadn 't even been aware of . " Thank you , Pete , " he said . " That means a lot to me . I know that you don 't get what I 'm doing and that it 's not something you ever thought you 'd have any part of . It took some getting used to for me , too . I promise you that I 'm still the same Adam that you knew before any of this happened to me though . " " I know that , " Pete said . " I just had to think it through is all . Please believe me that I don 't care about any of this . This doesn 't change our friendship in any way . " After that things were more relaxed for Adam . He enjoyed the conversation even when Lisa started to talk about things that they had all done in Storyville . Some of the things she talked about included Melvin , but Adam let that go . He smiled more freely as they talked and even participated and made Brian laugh with stories about cheerleaders and gossip . He was sad to see them leave when they did . He wished that they 'd stay longer , but he understood that they had to drive back to Storyville . They both had jobs to get to . Things would be fine between them now though . They knew what was going on , or at least Pete knew the full extent of what was going on . He wasn 't sure what Lisa knew and didn 't know . It didn 't matter as long as they were still his friends . Over the next two weeks Adam adjusted to having Brian around . He made Brian understand that both slaves had to drink their morning shake or tea without telling him about the potion . It was a rule so Brian helped him enforce it . What he didn 't know was that none of Adam 's rules needed enforcing . The potion took care of that . Aaron and Donny did what they were told because they had no other choice . Finally the day he was dreading was upon him . He attended his classes alongside Brian and Aaron . Donny began his first day of work on the job that Brian had arranged for him . Aaron was given strict instructions for the day and Adam spent that first day dreading his first contact with Melvin since the man had left him in Storyville . Thankfully he never saw Melvin . He met a lot of people that day but he didn 't remember any details he 'd been told . He wasn 't in school to make friends after all . He had a group of friends already . He wasn 't sure that any of these new people he was meeting would be suitable friends for his lifestyle anyway . Things fell into a pattern that Adam quickly got used to . In the morning he would fuck Aaron 's mouth and throat . Brian would fuck Donny 's ass and then they 'd each get ready for their day . In the afternoon between classes usually he would get Aaron all set up in the suspension rig and masturbate him . At the end of the day Aaron would have supper on the table , the slaves would have their meals and then homework would be done . Adam would fuck Donny while Brian used Aaron 's mouth and throat . He cast no spells that week . He hadn 't seen Melvin at all . He did hear about him though . He had classes with athletes who talked about the new star on the football field . Yes that was Melvin all right . He wished him well but he wanted nothing to do with him . He didn 't participate in any of the sports discussions though . He did get into his studies however . Along with his course work for his degree he studied the Pagan Sabbats and traditions . He decided to follow the older traditions and even got Brian to participate in a few . All he really did was set up an altar in his room and give Aaron recipes for traditional meals that fit the Sabbats . They 'd have a meal together in celebration of whichever Sabbat was upon them . Brian didn 't know the full extent of the Sabbats and their meanings and he wasn 't all that interested . He liked the food and deserts so Adam thought it was fine the way it was . The slaves had no opinion either way and Adam didn 't care about that . Then Brian started asking all sorts of questions about Melvin . He told Adam that he 'd seen Melvin and was surprised to see the collar around his neck . He asked if Melvin could have a new Master . Adam told him he didn 't know what Melvin had and didn 't have anymore . He was surprised to hear that there was a collar around his neck . Brian urged him to accompany him to a football game and see Melvin for himself . Adam thought about it for the days leading up to the game . Then something happened that really confused Adam . Aaron came home with a black eye and split lip . Adam looked at him for a moment before he said anything . Aaron wouldn 't speak unless Adam or Brian spoke to him first , so he couldn 't tell him what had happened . Adam wondered if his getting beaten up was a result of the tattoo and collar . " Melvin happened to me , " Aaron replied . " He started calling me names and punching me . He told me that if I hurt you again he 'd kill me . " " I told him that I would never hurt you , " Aaron said . " I told him that I 'm your slave . That seemed to piss him off even more . " He thought about what Aaron had told him until it was time to go back to campus for his next class . How did Melvin even know who he was ? That was the part that mystified Adam . Sure he 'd told Melvin all about Aaron and Donny when they were together , but Melvin had never seen either of them . Perhaps it was the tattoo on the back of his neck or something . Adam didn 't know what to think . " So it seems , " Adam sighed . " I don 't know what I 'm going to do about it yet , Brian . Let 's leave it alone for now . " He decided that no one would be fucking Aaron 's mouth until his split lip healed . Unfortunately for Aaron that would mean that both Adam and Brian would fuck his ass . Adam decided that he 'd still truss him up in the suspension rig and masturbate him every day . Just because they weren 't fucking his mouth and throat didn 't mean he could get out of eating cum . Then he saw Melvin himself . It just so happened that he and Brian were sitting in the cafeteria , talking about their classes when Aaron came and sat at the table with them . Adam didn 't say anything to Aaron and neither did Brian . Then Adam nearly choked on his coffee . Melvin was wiping a table four tables away from them . He was dressed in the white uniform that was standard for the cafeteria workers . Adam could see the collar around his neck and was shocked to see that it was the very same collar that was around Aaron and Donny 's necks . He still had the key to the lock on that collar . It was on his key ring along with the keys to Aaron 's and Donny 's collars . He didn 't know what to think about Melvin still wearing that collar . What was he doing working in the cafeteria ? Adam had heard that he was the new hotshot on the football field , so that meant he was playing football again . Didn 't that mean he was here on scholarship ? He was confused , but his eyes never left Melvin . He hated the fact that he felt excitement . He hated that he felt love for Melvin . He was still in love with him after all this time . He was also still hurt over Melvin 's leaving even though it had been his own fault . Then Melvin looked up and saw them . He stood up straight and smiled at first . Then his eyes scanned the people at the table and the smile left his face . Adam was confused by the smile , but he wasn 't about to get up and go talk to him . Instead he downed his coffee and got his books together . Adam thought about Melvin wearing that collar and smiling when he 'd seen him for the rest of the day . He supposed he was going to have to talk to Melvin . There was no other way to get to the bottom of any of it . He needed to know why he chose this university , why he was still wearing the collar that Adam had locked around his neck and why did he smile when he saw him ? Adam tried not to read anything into that smile . It was hard though . His emotions where Melvin was concerned were still in mutiny to what he wanted . Melvin had hurt him . He 'd raped him and then convinced him that he was in love with him . Then he 'd left without a word , breaking Adam 's heart . Why was he smiling ? He thought about all of that the next day in classes . He stayed away from the cafeteria and had nothing to do with any of the athletes . He didn 't want to hear Melvin 's name or see him until the football game that night . Donny would be off work in time to go with them , so Adam had decided that the entire household would attend the game together . Of course the slaves would sit directly in front of them one row below , but anyone who knew them would know that they were all together . The air was getting chili in the evenings , but it didn 't require more than a jacket so far . Adam had purchased matching grey hoodies for the slaves . His own was dark blue . Brian was wearing a school football sweater . They said very little as they got in the car and headed for the stadium . They purchased tickets at the gate and then found their seats . It didn 't take long for the game to start . Adam watched Melvin move across the field through the entire game . He didn 't cheer with the rest of the spectators when anything happened . He just watched Melvin . He only knew the final score of the game at the end because Brian wouldn 't shut up about it . They were trying to get out of the stands when Melvin came up into the bleachers in his uniform . He looked at the passing crowd as Adam watched him . They were stuck waiting to get out of their rows when Melvin found them . He smiled again before giving Aaron and Donny dark looks . Then he was trying to get to them . Adam merely watched him for a long moment . He was sure he didn 't want his reunion with Melvin to be public , but there was little he could do . The crowd that wouldn 't part for them parted for Melvin like conspiring accomplices . " Melvin , this isn 't the time , " Adam found himself saying . " I 've got to get these two home where they belong . I 'll come to the cafeteria on Monday . " The crowd that had parted for Melvin was still out of the way so Adam and his entourage moved through the gap and walked away from Melvin . Adam didn 't know what to think now . He had just agreed to see Melvin in the cafeteria even though he didn 't want the reunion to be a public one . What was he going to do ? Please Donate to Nifty to keep the service alive ! I hope you enjoyed the chapter . See all of my stories at my Annex Site or my Authors Haunt Site . If you would like to be informed when I post a chapter or a story or discuss the story with other readers click here . |
1 ) This one was after work on Thursday . I seem to go at about 3 : 10 when I work , because of when my breaks are . So anyways , I finish putting the coffee pots away , grab my coat and bag and head down to the washrooms . I grabbed the third stall and hung my coat on the coat hook on the door . I pee a pretty steady stream for about 20 seconds or so and then get ready to poo . I sit with my legs apart ( but not too far apart ) and my toes pushed against the floor . That way I can push easier . I guess on this specific day , my poo was being stubborn and not wanting to come out yet . So I 'm sitting on toilet , pushing as hard as I can and a couple squeaky fartsescape . ' Nnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggghhhhhhhuhhhhh ' ' Nnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggghhhhhhh uhhhhh ' ' Nnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggghhhhhhhuhhhhh ' ' Nnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggghhhhhhh uhhhhh ' I could now feel the poo starting to come out . ' Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggghhhhhhhhhhh ' I pushed a couple more times . ' Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggghhhhhhhhhhh ' ' Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggghhhhhhhhhhh ' The poo was now 3 / 4 of the way out of my butt . I pushed once more time and . . . . ka - plop . . . ahhh . . . ka - plop . . . . . . . . . . Sploosh ! The third one splashed so much that it made my butt all wet ! lol . I wiped 5 times and then flushed and washed up . 2 ) This was at the mall on Friday . I was with my little sister at ? ? ? ? Mall when I started getting that feeling that I had to poo . So I tell my sister to hold my bag and coat for me while I 'm in the bathroom . She of course HAS to come into the bathroom and wait for me . I tell her to wait by the sinks . There are two rows of stalls . One against the wall by the sink and another by the entrance . I take the last stall on the wall by the entrance . I sit down and get in my position . ( It 's the one I mentioned in my above story ) . First I pee for 10 seconds or so . As I 'm finishing up my pee , a lady enters the stall two away from me . She lets out a pre - poop fart and then I hear a couple ahhhs . I was now starting to push out my poo . It was a soft one so it just slid out pretty easily . It was over in like 30 seTo Penny regarding the girl passing yellow liquid poo at a conoe race . Loved your story about the gas station ladies room with 3 open toilets . Strange things sometimes happen at gas stations after people have been on the road a long time and can 't wait . To answer your question about similar experiences , check out my two gas station posts on pages 1354 and 1603 , although they didn 't involve a whole crowd in the bathroom . Here 's another one . Another road trip and another gas station . This one was clean and modern and inside a mini - mart . I had just gassed up the car , parked it , and went inside to pee . The bathroom was a unisex single - use type . I stepped in and was still holding the door open , when two middle - aged women came up at a rapid pace and intercepted me . It was summer and they were wearing shorts and tank tops , and obviously no bras . One asked me , almost begged , if they could use the toilet first , as they both had bladder control problems and were desperate to urinate before they wet their pants . I said ok and they both dashed in . One ran over to the toilet , backed up to it , and started to pull down her pants while I was still holding the door open . " Close the door , please " , she said as she was seating herself , and I could see dribbles of pee already coming out of her slit . She didn 't ask me to leave the room , so I just closed the door . As soon as she was seated , legs apart , a gusher of piss ran out from between her labia . Her friend was holding her hand to her crotch and jiggling up and down . The lady on the toilet , I guess suddenly realizing I was still there , said , " Oh , my ! I 'm going to the toilet with a man in the room . Please , don 't look between my legs . I 'm urinating " . She didn 't seem particularly upset , just a mere statement of fact and a simple request . I remarked that I knew she was urinating , as I could see it coming out . She said nothing further and finally stopped . She reached for some TP , spread her legs even further to wipe her vagina , dropped the paper in the toilet , stood up , and pulled up her pants . Her friend , who by now was holding herself tightly and groaning , said , " Don 't bother to flush . I can 't hold it another second . I don 't care if there is a man in the room " . The first lady stepped away and the second yanked down her shorts and panties and squatted back all in one motion . She didn 't even bother to sit . As soon as she got half - way down , she stayed there and let go . She gave a loud sigh of relief as her piss poured out The second lady stepped aside so I could pee next , but her tinkle - sprinkle was still all over the seat so I didn 't want to lift it . And women think guys are messy ? I reminded her about it and she apologized and came over to wipe it up . I raised the seat , took out my dick , aimed , and let go . The first lady was now at the sink washing her hands , but kept glancing my way , while the second lady , waiting her turn at the sink , was talking to me and watching me piss . I asked if they had been embarrassed with me in the room . The first lady said she had been , but would rather be embarrassed than piss in her pants . The second lady , still watching me piss , said she wasn 't modest and did I mind " going wee - wee " with two strange women watching . I remarked that , yes , they were kind of " strange " , but no I didn 't mind . I finished my pee , shook off the drops , put my hose back in my pants , flushed , and washed my hands . Then we all left , said good - bye , got in our cars , and took off . Njight Fart . It 's certainly worth taking whatever advice your GP / family doctor can offer to make the situation more manageable . I hope it soon improves though . Mei . Hi and welcome . It sounds as tthough you certainly had an amazing poo the other day . I don 't know what the absolute maximum a human being can excrete at any one time is . I suppose it 's never really been measured to any extent . What I have found out from experience though is that usually if a medical textbook says something isn 't possible , in actual fact it is . As to the length of the human intestine thazt varies a bit but for an adult 20 geet of small intestine followed by another five feet of large intestine would about be average . To Night Fart : It sounds like a dietary problem . Certain foods like onions and beans will create alot of gas in your lower intestine . You can " google " it for information . I don 't think that the Gas - X will help much as that 's for stomach gas not intestinal gas . I 'm Mei , Chinese , female , aged 23 , tall with average looks ( my friends say I 'm pretty ) , with small breasts but a quite large and quite nice bottom . I was a bit scared last Thursday night when I went to poop about 11 . 30 pm . I normally poop quite a lot because I eat a lot , but on Thursday I was quite unable to get off the toilet for just over an hour . It wasn 't diarrhoea , well not all - I dropped a mixture of logs , pebbles , mush and various other types of poo - there was so much of it that I couldn 't really distinguish what it was , tho ' there were at least 10 or 11 large logs . Altogether I filled the toilet 4 times in an hour . ( I flushed it when it was full - luckily I live alone ! ) Fairly steady ; something came out of my bottom maybe every 2 minutes . On Friday I read this page and found young girls and boys of 12 passing every bit as much as I did so I felt relieved ! I am not the only person whose bottom produces large quantities of motion - tho ' I always felt I did more than most so I didn 't always like going to a public toilet . In some parts of rural China ( I don 't live there now ) the toilet is just one big pit and we all squat over it in a line ; women near me never crapped as much as I did and they all finished quicker than I did , tho ' some did poo quite a lot . I used to wait until one of them left before pooing my next so that no one would know how much I dropped unless they looked down ( and in any case I sometimes shifted so that my poo would appear to have come from more than one bottom ) . On Thursday however I set a new record . Even a cow wouldn 't poo this much ! ! ! I have a question for doctors or biologists who read this page . I 've only just started reading it so if the answer is already there please forgive me . How long are a human being 's intestines ? ? One summer when my twin sister Karen and I were 12 years old , Karen came home from school on a Friday and she told me that she was constipated . Karen asked our mother for a laxative but was told that this was not a good idea because we would be travelling by car on Saturday morning to visit our Aunt Emma and Uncle Mike near Cambridge . We left home Saturday morning and on the way , we stopped to pick some strawberries at a ' pick your own ' fruit farm . Karen was picking and eating more strawberries than she was putting in the basket and our mother told her that she shouldn 't do this as we hadn 't paid for them and that eating too many strawberries would make her run to the toilet . Karen whispered to me that she needed something to help her constipation so she picked and ate a lot more strawberries when our parents weren 't looking . We went to the checkout and paid for the strawberries in the basket but not the ones that Karen had already eaten . A couple of hours later , we got to Cambridge , met Mike and Emma and then we hired a punt on the river . Mike punted us along the River Cam past the backs of the historic Cambridge colleges and Karen whispered to me that she had eaten too many strawberries and was desperate to go to the toilet . There was nowhere to land the punt on the river bank so Karen just had to wait until we got back to the boat yard . She looked very uncomfortable and then whispered to me , " I can 't hold it , I 'm doing a poo in my panties " . When we got back to the boat yard she told her mother what had happened and they went off to a ladies toilet to clean up while my father and I went to the car to fetch Karen 's overnight bag with clean panties . We got to Emma and Mike 's house and they showed us to the guest bedroom . Karen and I were sharing a very small room with bunk beds . Emma went into her bedroom and got a large china chamber pot , which looked just the right size for her rather large backside . She put it under our bunk bed " just for emergencies " she said . That night , I grabbed the bottom bunk so Karen had to sleep in the top bunk . About 6 a . m . Karen woke up and quickly climbed down the ladder from the top bunk . She said that it was an emergency and she didn 't think she could get to the toilet in time . As she was wearing a nightdress and no panties , she didn 't want to risk dropping her poo onto the carpet while running to the toilet so she pulled the potty out from under the bed . As Karen was getting to an age where she was shy about her brother seeing her undressed from a front view , she turned to face away from me before lifting her nightdress . I could see that some very soft poo was already starting to squeeze out between the cheeks of her bottom . She sat on the potty , which was much larger than her slim bottom so I had a clear back view of all her poo pouring out . It was really soft and a bit gassy so it splattered noisily into the pot . " I 've still got the strawberry shits " she said . " Yes but they certainly cured your constipation " , I replied . David Why don 't you just tell your roommate that you have an emergency and ask him to let you into the bathroom to shit while he is showering . At my fraternity house in college there was one bathroom per floor , and no one bothered to lock the door when they were showering , shaving , or shitting . In the mornings there would often be a guy in the shower , a guy on the toilet , a guy shaving at the sink , and a guy waiting to go , all at once . The only thing is that you may need to hold off on flushing until the guy finishes his shower , so as not to cause a surge of hot water in the shower . I just got off the train desperate to pee looking for a bathroom for relief . I got to the waiting area were a bathroom is , but the door was locked ! So I walked to my car and decided to pee in my coffee cup in there . I got in , locked the door , but the radio on so no one could hear what I was doing , unbuckled my belt , unzipped my pants , popped off the cover for the cup and slidd my underwear down a but so I can whip out my little pee - pee and put the cup up to it and proceeded to pee in it . It was a struggle because of the tight space and me from wetting myself which I end up doing . I filled the large plastic dunkin donuts cup a little over half way about 3 / 4 in the cup . I felt better already , a bit nervous because I done this in an open parking lot ! I put the lid back on the cup and put the piss filled cup in the cup holder . I pulled up my undies , zipped up my damp pants , and re - buckled my belt , put the car in gear and left the parking lot . I got to another parking lot in a shopping center to dump the evidence on the ground . I went to the bank , got some money out and went to store to get mom some ginger ale . When I was 7 , my uncle was transferred to Germany for a year , and he lived in this really old house there . We went to visit him one summer , and my cousin and I were playing hide and seek , and it was my turn to hide . I hid in the cupboard in my aunt and uncle 's bathroom that they used for storing old towels and sheets and stuff . It was a strange closet , about 4 feet up in the wall , that I could reach by climbing onto the sink counter . The door was a crisscross pattern with holes in it , but if I sat towards the back , no one could see me unless they were right in front of it . My cousin came in the bathroom , but didn 't find me . After another 10 minutes , I heard him coming back - then the person came into the bathroom and I saw that it was my uncle , who had just gotten back from work . He shut the door , which meant only one thing - he had to go . He walked over to the toilet , which was against the wall opposite my closet . Now , I guess because the house was so old , the bathrooms had squat toilets , which was a new experience for me . I expected that my he would just pee standing , but to my surprise , he undid his pants and took them off completely ( he did this because he eventually changed to non - work pants ) , then pulled his underwear down as he squatted . I realized that he was trying to poop , because he stayed like that and grunted for a couple of minutes , but he couldn 't make anything come out . He muttered something about his knees and rose till he was in a half - squat , holding the counter with one hand and the bathtub with the other hand for balance . He tried to poop once more , but gave up ; he let go of the bathub and pointed his penis down towards the toilet . He was peeing a dribbly stream that kept starting and stopping for about 10 seconds when my cousin walked in . My uncle , still peeing , told my cousin to get out , and my cousin said okay , but to hurry , because he had to pee really badly and people were showering in both the other ones . My uncle said he was almost done , peed for another couple of seconds , and stopped , shooRegina My dad is really shy about peeing - he doesn 't even like people to know he 's doing it . When I was younger , my family would do lots of outdoorsy stuff at parks and stuff , usually with my aunt and little cousin . We were usually out where there were no bathrooms , but my mom and aunt and us kids would just go behind a bush or something . My father never seemed to go , but I never thought anything of it until one day when I was 7 . We were at a park for the day , and we were having a picnic lunch . We were finished and were starting to clean up and my dad was very fidgety and bouncing around a lot . He suddenly broke away and headed for some the woods nearby . I asked where he was going , and without stopping he said he was going for a little walk . " Can I go ? " I asked . " NO ! " he answered , " Stay here and help your mom clean up . " I remember being upset , but my aunt and mom , laughing hysterically because it was obvious to them he was taking an urgent pee , told me that he was just shy . I had no idea what was so funny , and I was mad until he told me he would let me go on a walk with him next time . We stayed at the park until late afternoon , when we went home and had a barbecue . My dad was restless while he finished up the grilling and while we were eating . I was playing in one end of a patch of forest while the adults ate . When finished , my dad started cleaning the grill , fidgeting the whole time , while my mom and aunt fell asleep on the blanket . From where I was playing , I watched my dad head to the opposite end of the trees from where I was . To my young mind , this meant that he was going for a walk without me even though he had promised me I could go with him . Intending to catch up with him , I darted through the trees . As I came to the edge of the trees , I saw my dad standing by a tree about 15 feet in front of me , peeing a huge , thick desperate stream and sighing with relief . I suddenly realized that this was what my dad had been doing every time he went " walking , " and I stayed hidden where I was and watched , amazed at how much he was peeing . I never said anything to him , and he never knew I was there . I have other stories about catching my dad and some of my uncles and cousins peeing - most of them were from my dad 's side of the family , so they were equally shy . But I 'll share those later . Last weekend my parents drove from Iowa to Colorado to see my grandma who is recovering from surgery . We left right after school and drove all night in order to make it to the Denver area by mid - day on Saturday so my dad could get some sleep and my mother would have several hours with grandma before we had to return home because both of my parents couldn 't get off work on Monday . We were on I - 80 in western Nebraska at about 2 : 30 a . m . when I started to feel a crap coming on . In the middle of nowhere , where many nearby towns ' gas stations were closed , it was 45 miles before we got to a rest stop . I was thinking about having them stop on the side of the highway but it was raining hard and lightning , so that wasn 't an option . When we finally got to the rest stop , and I had already started to unbuckle my jeans in the car , I pretty much ran to the ladies room . Unfortunately , there was a sign on the door and a bucket in front of it saying it was out of order . With nobody else around , I quickly decided I had no other option than using the mens room . As a 16 - year - old high school student , my boyfriend and I had joked about such a situation this past summer when he was on vacation with his parents and was forced to use the womens bathroom . But that was at a gas station because their was a van of grade school age baseball players and a long line that he didn 't want to wait in . He took a crap in the ladies room and said it was very uneventful . However , I can 't say that . My mom was asleep and my dad decided to wait in the car . There were five stalls , all without doors . I went to the first one , quickly put the seat down ( there was icky urine on the seat which I got on my hand when I flipped it down but I didn 't pay much attention because I had to sit down and fast . Although I knew that I would be taking a big crap and I could feel it drop in my colon , for some reason it was too big to completely come out . I dropped my jeans all the way to the floor and lowered my panties so I could spread my legs . This had helped me in similar Kia I stood up straight and as usual I was a bit nervous so I only let out a few squirts at a time . Then I let out a bit more . I did this for a good while as it takes an awful lot longer to pee when your not letting it all out . I put my hands down my underwear and only the top layer of tissue was wet . I was getting fed up . So all of a I stood up tall with my feet together and PUSHED my pee out . It was like the tissue was holding it in because it still took a long time . I could feel the stream of it pouring out but it seemed to go nowhere was it soaked the tissue . In my head I knew that the tissue wouldn 't hold it but it was part of the fun . My pee was surging out of me for about a mintue and was pretty much out of control before I put my hand down to check was I wet . There was a little dampness to the front of my crotch but so far no dripping . I pushed even harder and it was glorious to feel it pouring out . Finally I felt my trousers get wet and I opened my legs to see a thin stream patter onto the floor . Then it tapered off leaving only a small patch on my trousers . I took off my trousers to check the damage . There was a patch of wet on my crotch , but it wasn 't soaking nor was it yellow . It didn 't smell either . It was so unnoticable that I gave them to mom to wash . Anyway I must go do it again today , so bye ! : ) I had a third aunt , Martha , my father 's older sister . She was less open about toilet privacy than Aunt Alice , my mother 's sister , but no where near as prudish as Aunt Louise , my father 's younger sister . She didn 't mind my being in the bathroom when she was on the toilet , and didn 't mind if I saw her pussy , but was shy about letting me see any piss coming out of it . Usually , she would hold up her dress , pull down her panties , seat herself with her dress hiked up and her legs spread so her pussy was visible , and then lower her dress enough to cover her slit before she released her urine . A few times though , I did see some last spurts come out after she had lifted her dress to wipe herself . " Ooops ! I guess I wasn 't done yet " , she had said with a grin . " You weren 't supposed to see that " . One day when I was about 13 , I walked the 4 blocks over to her high - rise apartment to pay a visit . I went to her apartment and let myself in with the key she had given me . I didn 't see her when I stepped in , so I called out " Aunt Martha ? " . I 'm in the bathroom , Harry " , she replied . The door was partially open , so I went in as usual . Instead of being seated on the toilet , she was standing naked adjusting a shower cap . " I 'm going to take a shower " , she said . She stepped into the tub and closed the transparent glass shower doors . For a few moments , she stood with her legs spread somewhat apart , and then said " Harry , I 'm going to pee . I forgot to use the toilet before I got in . Don 't watch . I don 't want you to see it coming out . I 'd get embarrassed " . Then she looked downward at her slit and began to go ciss without waiting to see if I was watching or not . I could see it coming out between her labia . After about 10 seconds , she looked up an saw me watching . " Harry , you 're looking " , she said . " You 're making me embarrassed " . Then she again looked downward at her pussy and continued to urinate . She pissed for about a minute , mostly a straight stream that made splattering sounds when it the tub , but some ran down her legs . When she was done , sReilly I took a shit in mens restroom in our local J . C . Penney 's yesterday . . . I was with my buddy Taylor . We both had bad stomach aches , and knew it would take both of us a while . There were no doors on the toilet stalls , I think they were removed some time ago , but they were very nice and clean , and each stall had about half a roll of toilet tissue . We both dropped our shorts and boxers , put on out IPods , and cut loose and relaxed . Other guys came in to use the urinals , and wash their hands , but nobody else came in to shit . The room quieted down , and next thing we both see is a cleaning WOMAN ! ! ! ! She was embarrased , and so were we . She says she knocked on the outer door , but I guess with the IPods blasting we didn 't hear her . She left , but the damage was done . She saw both our dicks , and caught us wiping , and ME inspecting . NO MORE IPODS in public toilets for me ! ! ! Hello ! I am a young boy . 2 days before we returned from a long trip . My father & mother are in service . After theirs ' leaving , I felt very much constipated today . Finally I told it to my elder sister who is 14 . She quickly went to market and brought something . Then she lied me on her lap and opened my pant . Then she took out a white bullet shaped thing from a wrapper and did something at my back passage . Then she pressed my buttocks firmly . Suddenly I started to feel a burning sensation . I started crying . Then she soothe me . Finally my stool came out . I felt good . Later she said she inserted a DULCOLAX SUPPOSITORY . Thank you dulcolax for clearing my stool . JenA . W . : Trust me , it was wrose than mere embarassment . Sometimes I would come back and the guy from the bathroom would be watching the game I was playing in . That , or be a the brother of one of my teammates . Try humiliation . AJ : I read your post on 1614 and you mentioned the poetry convention . I submitted one of my poems to be rated at ? ? ? ? and they 1 ) wanted to send me a trophy , bronze medal , and free membership for it . 2 ) Wanted to read it at a convention this coming year . And 3 ) Wanted to publish it in a book ! * squeal * Sadly , I couldn 't accept it since my mom has no clue I entered it . . . . . And they would mail me everything . Hello , I had some time to stop in this morning , so I finally got to read all the posts , and I must say there were some good ones this time , I really enjoyed reading Jessica L 's posts , but I have been missing NorthPole , he used to get on here a lot , and it seems he hasn 't posted in a very long time . Anyway , as I promised in my post a while back , I 've been trying to take time out of my days to go to the restroom rather than spending time doing other things , that weren 't 100 % necassary , and it 's worth it , as I haven 't had another accident yet , and if any of you recall , I 've had quite a few . I not only am happier , I have more confidence in myself , and I haven 't been found in a situation where I 'm trying to prevent myself from ruining yet another pair of slacks or jeans . Anyway , I came on because I have a kind of funny story to tell . My parents had a parenting workshop that they were going to , and to help out I volunteered that I could watch their adopted daughter for the day . They took me up on the offer gratefully , and they dropped her off around 8 on Thursday morning . We were playing on the floor in my office when I saw her wriggle a bit , and then she pooped her pants . I was surprised , as she is a bit old for that . My parents had sent a couple spare changes of clothes , thankfully . Now the worst part was , I had to poop pretty badly , as I hadn 't gone the day before , because I didn 't really feel that I needed to , but I probably should have tried anyway . Well , I got her changed and then said that I had to go " poopy " as she calls it and went into the restroom which is in the hallway and quite a few people go by it . None of our doors have locks on them , but I 've never really felt the need , everyone in the rectory knows that when a door is shut , it usually means don 't come in . Anyway , I went in , undid my belt and slacks and sat down for a nice relaxing break . I had sat there for about a minute when my parents daughter opened the door wide open with me sitting there with my pants around my ankles . Then , loud enough that yoI am 29 , my actual name is Peter , I live in Atlanta , and I was actually originally born a Lutheran . My parents converted shortly after I was born . me and my sister were the only two children they had growing up , but they adopted a daughter and a son later in life . I grew up in Kansas City , and we moved to Atlanta when I was 12 , as my dad 's job was moving . My dad was the financial advisor for a big company that started a satellite office in Atlanta , and of course they needed him there , so we moved , and that 's where we 've lived ever since . My dad is actually retired now , and they live in a nice home in the suburbs . I currently am at a very nice city parish , however , I am due for a transfer this fall or spring , so I am awaiting news on this . I think that 's really all I can say about myself for now . Queue - Yep , I 'm still here . I haven 't visited this site as aften as I used to , and I haven 't had much in the way of sightings to report . Most of the doorless stalls stories were from when I lived in another town and used to travel for work . I don 't travel as much anymore and in my town , the few doorless stalls are getting doors ! I have used the public restroom downtown a few times . It is a room with a toilet , a urinal and a sink . There is a partition between the urinal and the toilet , but that 's it . It 's mostly used by transients , but every now and again , I 'll spot a regular guy on the can . I 'll go there in the morning when I really have to crap badly . Sometimes , the restroom attendant ( he 's stationed in a booth between the men 's and women 's restrooms ) is mopping and he 'll say , go ahead and motion to the toilet . He 'll continue mopping as I drop my pants and briefs and have a seat . A month or so ago , I walked in and these two Italian - looking guys were standing inside the restroom , having a conversation . They looked like they were in their early 40 's , and had New Jersey accents . I stopped and they looked at me and said , " go ahead , we ain 't waitin ' " . It was a little weird that I could see these guys standing there having a regular conversation as I was undoing my belt and pulling my pants and briefs down to the floor . I almost expected them to make a comment about the bright orange underwear I was wearing . I always wear colored or patterned briefs and some of the colors are bright ! They continued their conversation about 10 feet in front of me as I took a leak into the bowl . Stainless steel bowls tend to amplify sound a bit . I started to take a dump , and the crackling was also easy to hear . A few soft farts accentuated my deed . After about a minute or two , they left . I was finishing up when a black guy comes in . He had that hip - hop look about him . Baggy clothes , untied sneakers , white ballcap perched to one side . Probably early 20 's . He saw me standing to wipe and leaned up against the wall , waiting for me to finish . I pulled up my underwear , then my pants , flushed , and then went to the sink to wash up . The hip - hop guy went over to the toilet , and pulled his pants and boxers down in one motion , He didn 't have to undo his pants , because they were so baggy . He wore patterned blue boxers inside his baggy pants and had them all the way down to the floor . I heard the sound of piss and then some dumping sounds . By then I finished washing up and left . There is a restroom at this local park that has about 8 doorless stalls lined up against one wall . It is in an area that doesn 't get too busy , so most of the times , there isn 't anyone who comes in to use the toilet . One day I went in there , and in the first stall , there was a guy who looked to have a runner 's build . He was lean , and was wearing shorts , t - shirt , and running shoes . He was in the first stall , closest to the door , and was reading a pamphlet . He glanced up at me as I entered the restroom . His shorts were around his thighs , so only the sides of his butt and upper thighs were exposed . I could see from the white waistband at the top of his shorts that he was wearing white briefs under them . He looked Asian , quite handsome , and was probably in his late 20 's , early 30 's . In the next stall , was an older guy , probably late 40 's , early 50 's , definitely not as attractive , and his had his jeans and dark briefs all the way to the floor . His legs were quite white and pasty . His hand was between his legs , probably directing a urine stream into the bowl . I took the next stall and dropped a few kids off at the pool . While I was sitting there , I could hear the runner grunting and " ahhhing " several times . He didn 't seem to care if his neighbors heard him . It wasn 't really loud , but he definitely knew that we could hear him . I finished up and stood up to wipe . The partitions are short , so when I 'm standing , they come up to about mid - chest . I 'm wiping and I see a guy come into the restroom to use the urinal . I 'm sure he sees me as I 'm standing in the stall , even though it 's only from the side and he can 't see me below my chest . I wipe a few times and he finishes using the urinal . He passes in front of the stalls to wash up at the sink just as I 'm pulling up my briefs . I pull up my shorts and flush . I get to the sink as he 's getting done and I wash my hands . I leave the restroom , passing by the pale guy who doesn 't seem to have moved , and the Asian guy who is still squeezing out a few . Daniel - When I was in college , I lived in a fraternity house and there were usually 3 of us to a room . One of my roomates would simply come in as I was showering and say , " I 've got to use the toilet , so don 't come out for a minute . " The toilet was right next to the shower ( it was a shower , not a tub ) , so if I got out of the shower , I would probably have to step over him anyway . I 'd say OK , and just wait until he was done . He was pretty quick in those situations , and I could actually see his shadow as he was on the can . Another roomate would just come in while I was showering and take a crap without saying anything . I guess he figured that since the toilet wasn 't being used at the time , then it was fair game for him to use it . I would smell his crap and say , " Steve , are you taking a shit ? " he 'd grunt out " yep " . A few times I 'd finish with my shower and open the curtain only to see him on the can . I 'd dry off in the shower while he 's wiping and talking to me . He checked the paper after each wipe . Steve definitely had an open door policy when it came to the bathroom . Many times he would come in while I 'd be on the toilet to ask me a question , wash his hands , brush his teeth , etc . . . I rather enjoyed seeing him on the can as well . He didn 't try to hide it when he was having some difficulty pushing one out . He 'd grimace and grit his teeth , sometimes laughing after pushing a tough one out . Steve was probably about 5 ' 10 " tall , 150 lbs , with pale skin , sandy blond hair , with a hugely infectious smile . Good looking kid . He would sit on the crapper with his clothes pushed way down to the floor . The only underwear he ever wore was white Jockey brand briefs . Never any other brand . I could tell that he always pulled both his briefs and jeans down at the same time , the way they were buried inside his pants . he usually crapped a few times a day . In the mornings , I was often treated to a sight of him sitting on the can completely naked except for his white Jockey briefs in a bunch on the tops of his feet . Then he would crawl back Fluidity 2 . do you like to hear other people have a shit . Yes although if you exclude faring and particularly explosive discharges it tends not to be a very audible experience . 3 . do any of you hold on till yhe very last minute , just b4 u end crapping your pants . If so do u end up with skidmarks in your undies . I 've held on to the very last minute sometimes vbut I prefer to give myself a margin of error these days . I do suffer from occasional skidmarks but they 're not usually caused by close calls . 4 . do you end up with shit on your hands when wiping . Only on rare occasions when my hand 's accidentally slipped and things have gone badly . I 'm relieved to say it 's not a frequent occurence . That situation hasn 't arisen so far for me . What does happen to me a lot is that people ring up when I 'm on the loo . If it 's someone I know well I 'm quite frank with them when I return the call about why I couldn 't get to the phone ! Is this a legitimate medical condition ? I know it 's gross , especially coming from a woman , but I 've got this � um � problem . I 'd never had it before , and then - a few months ago - WHAM ! I was hit with it - nocturnal flatulence . I just about died the first time it happened . It was the middle of the night and I was sound asleep when it woke me up . This vibration rocked through the bed . I was shocked ! I couldn 't believe it ! I was almost paralyzed with surprise if that 's possible . I thought it couldn 't get any worse , but of course , it could . My boyfriend was awake and lying next to me , watching TV . I wanted to lie there with my eyes shut , pretending to be asleep but I opened my eyes and looked over at him . " Was that me ? " I asked , not knowing whether to laugh or cry . He started laughing , " Oh , honey , you do that all the time , " he said . " What do you mean , I do this all the time ? " I burst . He looked at me with a little pity and a lot of love : " It just started recently , but it 's kind of a lot , " he said and laughed . " Kind of a lot " - those words kept going though my head . It had happened more than once . What 's wrong with me ? I 've been eating a lot of hummus lately � I wonder if that 's it . Allergies ? Stress ? Age ? Is it fixable ? I needed answers . Others blamed protein consumption , dairy and tomatoes . The doctor told me to watch what I eat , take two Gas - X a day and to come back to his office if it persists . What surprised me was the number of women who have a similar condition . Generally , it 's a topic women don 't discuss , but when I started asking around , a lot of women admit ted to � well � having stomach problems , too . So ladies , know that you are not alone . For everyone else - if there 's ever a moment in your life when you feel like you alone have some problem or are in some obscure situation , just think " nocturnal flatulence , " have a good laugh , and know that most likely , there 's someone , somewhere , who 's just as embarrassed , upset , lonely , depressed , sad , bloated or gaseous as you . Also , this one time , my nighttime farting got even worse . I woke up to the worst night gas yet . I felt as if I had to poo . As I got out of bed , I got the feeling of needing to pass gas . So I let some out , but immediately , the gas turns to diarrhea and begin filling my panties with near - liquid shit . I run to the bathroom , but it keeps coming . When I make it to the can , I don 't have time to even pull my panties off . I can feel the eruption about to hit . So I sit down without even removing my panties . The farting runs just explode out of me , overfilling the panties in less than a second , spilling over into the toilet . The diarrhea constantly flows out of me for the next ten minutes , filling the toilet almost to the top . I can 't even hold in my super loud gas during the day anymore . I have some intestinal issues . The doctor says I have inflammatory bowel disease . I have gone 8 days where I ' wouldn 't shit ' because I was camping with my family ( my parents , a friend and another couple of friends of my parents ) . I hate squatting to do a wee or take a dump but as I had no choice , I had to squat each time I needed to do a wee . I decided just to hold onto my shit until I got desparate . It was okay at first but after 7 days , I had an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach . I knew that we were heading home the next day , so I was just going to wait until we got home to push out my load . So the next day we started our long drive home ( it was going to take all day ) and we stopped at a road house ( a place where people get petrol and food , plus they have toilets and showers there too - I live in Australia ) . I needed to do a wee and my friend did too , so we both headed off to the toilets . I went into the first toilet and my friend went into the one next to me ( there were only 2 female toilets at the road house ) . I closed the door and pulled down my pants . I did my wee and then I rembered that I really needed to do a poo aswell . I waited for my bowels to do something and after about 10 minutes , I could feel a big long turd slowly movinI had a girlfriend , she was 16 years old , that was 5 years ago , i always pick her up on sunday morning , and we playing video games , when she got to poop , she ask me to be in her company , with her legs open on the toilet , i admire every turd , i wish i was young again My severe episodes of constipation are generally on vacation due to lack of privacy and a change in diet and exercise . I just got back from vacation , and I decided to try Exlax chocolate . I took two pieces at 11am and slept until 6pm that night . When I woke up my stomach was bloated and was still hurting , so I took three more pieces . I had huge stomach cramps , but no BM . When I went to the bathroom I let out a lot of loud gas but nothing else . Later on , in the nighttime , I awoke to discover I had completely soiled myself full with diarrhea . This postname will be used by many other members if my Irritable bowel syndrome group , so don 't think it is only me posting a bunch of stories . i could feel a gassy diarrhea dump coming on , so i stripped off my panties , put on a diaper , and sat on the toilet with the diaper still on . It had taken a while to change clothes , so the diarrhea had moved back . I started peeing for a while , to the point that the diaper was dripping and soaked . Then finally the poo farts hit . It took about 2 seconds for my liquid shit farts to fill the diaper and overflow it , and i proceeded to a constant 20 minute shit fart attack that caused the diaper to actually fall off into the toilet it weighed so much The antibiotics appear to be working since : a . The glands in my neck are back to their normal size . . . b . my throat is no longer sore and my terrible ear ache is gone . . . The last 4 BM 's I 've had were a bit more solid . After taking a look at my leavings in the toilet , I could see that I wasn 't passing ' brown soup ' any longer . Rather , I was back to dropping discrete stools . ( They were still very loose though . The second I flushed , the pile in the bowl immediately turned back into ' dark brown soup . ' ) # 2 . No gassiness . i . e . I 'm LI , but I haven 't had to worry about farting up a storm after having a glass of milk , yoghurt , or ice cream . - I get that occasionally . It 's nice when it happens but I have to watch out . Once , I got a real ' stiffy ' sitting on the toilet at work without realizing it . ( I was very tired and drifting off for a mini - nap . ) I started peeing and it took me a second or two realize that it wasn 't going into the bowl , but shooting out like a little fountain onto the floor right in front of me ! 2 . do you like to hear other people have a shit ? ? ? ? ? ? ? - If I have a lady guest using the toilet in my house , I see if I can hear what 's going on while she is in there . ( I don 't put my ear up to the door or anything . I just pay attention to what I can hear from where I may happen to be in my house . ) 3 . do any of you hold on till yhe very last minute , just b4 u end crapping your pants . If so do u end up with skidmarks in your undies . - On very rare occasions , yes . But only at home - so I can clean up easily . 4 . do you end up with shit on your hands when wiping . - Like just about everyone else in the world I suppose , it happens to me every now and then . But I always take care to wash my hands thoroughly afterwards . - I usually opt for choice " B " . When I 'm done pooping , I try and see if any of the other cubicles have TP so I can finish cleaning up . ( If that search fails , I usually just shrug my shoulders and visit the next public bathroom I spot so I may wipe my bum . ) - I don 't tell them I 've got to shit . I just make a plausible excuse to get off the phone for 5 or 10 minutes . ( ex . I hear someone knocking at my front door . . . I 've got to pop out to my neighbour for a sec . . . or the very generic " I just remembered something important I 've got to do . I 'll call you back in 10 minutes . " ) 7 . If u shit y ' self do u clean up asap or just wait for a more convenient time . - I usually clean up ASAP - unless I 'm at home pooping myself for my own enjoyment . I know the feeling honey . I have that problem myself from time to time . It 's a race to see if you can get the panties clear before dropping the bomb then the second wave does not cooperate . I have had several occasions like this and I have no idea why but if I simply stand up for a minute , bomb number two drops into launch position . I lower myself back to the toilet seat and eject with little effort . To all I couple days ago I was running an errand for the company . I live in a college town and normally drive side streets to avoid the traffic , however , on this occasion I found myself on a street through campus . It was early afternoon and as I drove past a building I saw a group of what I presumed to be college students on the sidewalk . They were all facing the building as if to be listening to the professor . Just seconds before passing the group my attention was drawn to the butt of a young woman . This young woman was wearing a pastel blue shorts . On the seat of these shorts was a very distinct darkness indicating she had wet herself . The spot was of the size and position to indicate that when she peed her pants she was seated . 2 . On this site I read stories about high school students having accidents at school , on the way home , etc . How many of these high school students continue to accident themselves in college . Wow ! I 'm glad to see I 'm not the only nudist on this site . On what pages did you find any inquiries about nudists and bathrooms ? I haven 't come across anything concerning nudists except for a real old post on page 2 by Sue G . My wife and I are long - time nudists . We don 't live in a nudist colony , but we do get around to nudist parks , clubs , campgrounds , and resorts . And of course you 're right about nudists being far less concerned about toilet functions . However , some are still not comfortable with being watched while peeing and pooping , despite being naked , and toilet arrangements vary quite a bit among nudist facilities . . . everything from wide open , such as you have at your colony , to gender specific bathrooms with traditional stalls . There is a clothing - optional ( not strictly nudist ) resort in the midwest that we frequent which has an indoor swimming pool , so it 's open year round . . . . a great idea in the frost belt . The bathroom arrangements in the club house are a kind of compromise . There are two co - ed locker / shower / toilet rooms at poolside with traditional stalls with doors , probably because it was originally built as a " textile " ( clothing required ) resort and latter went clothing optional , although you have to be nude in the pool . As a practical matter , many people don 't bother to close the stall doors . In addition , each has a few extra stalls on the back side designated for women in one and men in the other . When we were there a few years ago , I did an informal survey of how many of each gender used which toilets , assuming all were available . About 85 % of the women and 98 % of the men used the co - ed toilets . I guess that , even if naked , there are still some people who just don 't want someone of the opposite gender sitting in the next stall , or maybe the women are concerned about the " mess that guys leave " . My wife and I were at the clothing - optional swim club that I wrote about in my response to Elizabeth Nudist . It was evening and the pool was not very crowded . My wife was in the lounge area playing cards with some friends and I was at the poolside reading a book . I looked across the pool and saw a young woman standing against the wall near one end and holding on . I noticed that her head kept dropping into the water , then she would lift it up again , it would sway a little , then drop back into the water . Sensing that something was wrong , I jumped in and swam to the other side . She told me she had had a " few too many drinks " , was not feeling well , and would I please help her out of the pool . A few too many drinks ? This lady was drunk as a skunk and had no business even being in the pool . She looked like she was going to puke any minute . I got my left arm around her waist , she got her right arm around her my shoulders , and I walked her to the steps in the opposite corner . I got her out of the pool and she asked me to please get her to a toilet as she was desperate to pee and was ready to lose it all over the floor . I walked her into the nearest locker room and , as we were passing the unoccupied community shower . . . two shower heads on the wall and a bench with a hand - held shower . . . she said she was starting to dribble and wasn 't going to make it to the toilet . I told her , " Squeeze your muscles , girl , and take a few more steps " , as I turned her toward the shower and got her over the floor drain . She spread her legs just a little . . . any more and she would have fallen . . . as I said , " Ok , go ! " . She didn 't need any urging . It all started pouring out of her shaved crack , some going straight down , some spraying around and running down her legs , and splattering on the shower floor . She must have peed for a good 90 seconds before stopping , then starting and stopping a few times , and finally she was done . I got her over to the bench , grabbed the hand - held , hosed off her pussy and legs , and then hosed down the shower floor . A woman had come in , I explained what had happened , and she helped me get her to a locker bench , where we got some towels and dried her off . Now a man came in who new her husband was playing billiards in the game room and went to get him . He got his wife onto a sofa in the lounge , covered her with a blanket to let her sleep it off , and thanked me for rescuing her . My wife , engrossed in her card game , was oblivious to what was going on . I am a 29 year old male from the uk . I have a female friend from work who hardly ever pees . She can be hours without going . The only time she seems to be desparate is at 5 : 00pm everyday without fail . As soon as it hits nearly five she legs to to the toilet and will be in there for 5 minuntes . On an other occasion i was waiting for a taxi with her and she looked as though she was about to pee herself . I asked her did she need the loo she said yes . But the work loos were being cleaned so she coudln 't go . I would love to ask her can i come in with her but i think she would say no way . Next page : Old Posts page 1615 >< Previous page : 1617 Back to the Toilet ToiletStool . com , " Boldly bringing . com to your bodily functions . " Go to Page . . . Forum Survey |
This morning a close friend and I were talking about a woman who was being abused and left her abuser and then decided to go back to him . Her family doesn 't understand , nor do most people . I listened as I struggled to stay awake , knowing that even though I had no sleep I had to work this morning . I listened . . . On my drive to work I thought . That is what I do when I drive alone , I listen to my music loud and I think . Today I thought of our conversation and how I too have been abused by the man I am still married too . I have been hurt by his words , actions and hands . I started writing this blog in 2009 and I knew then I needed to get out . I wrote on and off through the years . Some readers wrote to me with encouragement , others with questions like " Why am I still with him ? " or " Why haven 't I moved out ? " and similar thoughts . Today I can say that I have left him and moved on and I have discovered the will power to stay away from him . Yes I had friends who helped me get to this point but I had to do the work on my own . My brain had to figure it all out . Of course it also helps that whenever I do see him he reminds me why I left . His words no longer have power over me though . Today as I drove I thought of when I went back to school , got my master ; s degree and something we learned ; Maslow 's Hierarchy of Needs . My minds was wandering as I drive , but still I stayed on the road , both in thought and action . It is shaped like a pyramid . Physiological is the base , what we need the most . Breathing , Food , Water , Sleep , but Sex also is there . Why ? Because sex is good ! It is not only how we reproduce but it gives us pleasure . People could argue that we don 't NEED it after we reproduce but our bodies and mind prove them wrong over and over again . We will do the stupidest things for sex . We also will do some fantastic things for sex . Sex is something our bodies need , want and desire . How does this go back to why someone might stay with their abuser ? Sometimes it is for the sex . Not for me . That I can say with certainty , but I believe for others this is a reason . Of course sometimes it is because they provide us with our food , they are in our home , where we sleep . The base of a pyramid is a powerful place . The next tier up is Safety . In that tier we find Security and Safety , Family and Property are here as well . Why would someone staying with their abuser for safety and security may sound wrong and it is . But to the abused sometimes to them it is safe . it is their world and they are comfortable there . If they stop , leave , seek help or alter their world they may change so much that they are no longer safe . The mind is a powerful thing and it can make you feel safe in an unsafe condition . We also need our family and property . Sometimes knowing you have to leave people or things behind is too much and we just can 't do it . Sometimes it could be your child . This is where the relationship is cult like . Ex cult members talk about being shunned by their family when they leave and sometimes this need for family is so strong they will return . Sometimes the abused return to their abuser for the same reason . Belonging is the next tier up . We all need a place to belong and here is where I think the tipping point lies . It is when we have a sense of belonging that we start to be able to leave our abuser . This tier may be smaller but it is higher in the pyramid and is strong enough to give us that extra push . But how do the abused get this feeling ? How is it stronger than Safety ? Honestly it takes one person or one life event . It just takes one moving pebble to start a landslide . When one person reaches out to them especially if it is at the right time they will find the strength to leave . Then I thought , what gave me the strength to leave ? I was miserable , I hated my marriage , I knew I was abused and still I stayed . The tipping point for me happened when my mom got hurt and my dad needed me . He needed me , and that gave me the self - esteem to get out and not go back . I stayed and did all I could for them even after I got so sick I couldn 't take care of everyone and me . I also took time to get to know me again . I was not the same person who married him 17 years ago . When my mom did die , I mourned but I had to get away to do it . I left . I had a chance to leave and get further away from my ex and I took it . Some family will say I was selfish , let them ! We all mourn in our own way . I needed to be away from my family and from my ex . I was weak then and it would have been so easy to go back . Instead I ran away . And I am not sorry that I did . I had a safe place to stay , a job I enjoyed and people near me who were good for me . The thing I learned was when people near me were no longer good for me then it is time to move on . No longer was I going to be caught in my mind or in my reality with someone who was not good for me . My eyes were opened and my spirit was as well . This year I have escaped my abuser , I found my father , lost my mother and discovered who among my family and friends had my back and who was just along for the ride . I met new people who were life changing for me and discovered strength inside myself I never knew was there . I left my comfort zone and moved up those tiers . They may get smaller but their meaning grows stronger the higher up you go . My friend , who knows the abused woman who went back to her abuser , she needs to move up her pyramid . It won 't be her family rushing in to save her , she has to be the one to move up those tiers . Just be there to lend a hand or shoulder for support . Hopefully her pebble will move soon , she has to be the one to move it and recognize it though . I have always loved the season of autumn . The colors , the smells , the cooler temperatures and the sounds . But This year , the first autumn without my mother . I drove home from the mountains of Pennsylvania and the trees were all changing and beautiful . When the wind blew you could see the leaves blowing around in the wind following the patters and flow . I was driving home and about to turn on my street so excited to tell mom about it and show her the photo and then my heart sank because she wasn 't there . She would never see an autumn leaf , she would never see them blowing in the wind again and she would never jump into a leaf pile with B and P again . In the village we live in , I know it sounds so quaint but I can see the city from my bedroom window so it is rather urban , not all the streets run straight . Some streets wind and turn and may start at one street but have no real outlet . Typically these are the more wealthier homes . No joke I was riding my bicycle down one of the streets and a woman opened her front door . Out waddled a mama duck and all her ducklings flowing her behind her . There houses where were we wanted to trick or treat because they would often hand out full size candy bars . My father is like me he wants to go from point A to point B and get there the fastest way possible . A straight line was his favorite . My mother however was led by beauty and by sights and sounds . If she was driving we would always go down theses streets that were windy and meandered to the next busy street . Her excuse was she had to see one tree . I have to admit it was a beautiful tree and when autumn came its colors were spectacular , She would often stop the car and just sit there and watch the tree . Sometimes she would find a particularly beautiful leaf that she just had to have . Now that mom has gone I find myself driving home that same way . I can 't remember which tree was her favorite , but I stop and spend some time with them and remember ow aggravated I was because I wanted to get home to watch TV . now I just want to sit there and connect with my mother through our love of autumn leaves . I am Autumn Crow . Autumn is my favorite season and the Crow is my favorite bird . My mother loved owls . I am getting a tribute tattoo designed for her for might shoulder . I want an owl , a crow and autumn leaves . If anyone wants to try to design it for me I would love to see your artwork . We bonded over autumn and treasure our birds . I miss my mom and I wish she could have seen the autumn views I saw this year . I love you Mommy and I know you are always with me . Today is my birthday , I turn 47 . I 'm getting closer to 50 . Sigh ! Guess what I do t care . I a , taking this year , 47 to become me again . Last year I left my ex and he still calls me to help him solve problems . I took care of my Dad , who has dimentia and my mom who started with two brain bleeds and finally after nine months her body just gave up . I have gotten flack from my family because I got sick and left to recover physically and mentally . I have discussed it with the , and they want nothing to do with my point of view . So today is the day I dp say screw it ! I 've taken care of others for so long I have forgotten how to take care of me and be me , This is supposed to be about my New Beginnings . So here is my next one . I am going to find myself and embrace who I am this year . I joined a Druid organization to expand on my studies . I am part of our local Pagan Pride Committee and and hoping to expand my role with them . I an part of a . New unified pagan organization in our community that in just a few weeks has become a huge unifying force in outer community . I went WHERE ? I enjoyed WHAT ? Yes , I went to a speedway ; cars racing , fumes filling the air , the sound of engines in my ears . If you had asked me even a few weeks ago if I would ever go to a speedway or dare I say it even enjoy it I would have laughed in your face . But in our lives we change and meet people who effect us . In this case I met someone who introduced me to car racing . I know I have had friends that were interested in racing before , why this friend was the one who managed to introduce me to the sport , who knows ? Maybe I needed a change , I know my life has been filled with chaos recently so maybe I needed to controlled chaos of car racing ? Who knows ? I did also recently move and it turns out there is a track near to where I moved too . Well , to be fair there was one near my last home as well but I never went there . So on my first payday from my new We entered the track and were greeted with the usual warning sign companied by a NO PROFANITY sign . There were many children there and a few dogs as well . The track was made of dirt and as we arrived trucks and cars were slowly driving on the track . We assumed it was to smooth the track down . Basically they were like Zambonis for dirt . Of course we listened to and sang the National Anthem before the racing began . It was a recording , no singer inside the oval , we just had to know the words . A few announcements followed and then the racing began . The first cars were small sprint cars . They were adorable , though I bet their drivers wouldn 't appreciate their cars being called that . The engines sounded like bees in tin can , a high pitched sound that got louder as they approached , The doppler effect in action . Yes I still love my science . They moved around so fast we couldn 't get a clear photo of them . The first few races were qualifiers . To see where each driver would be placed for the feature races that would end our day at the races . It was amazing to see them go around so fast and with such skill that there were not many accidents , or incidents as I am told they are called . When an incident occurs a yellow flag is waved and the race is put on pause . Some of the incidents were spectacular and cars flipped . Luckily the drivers were okay . Others involved more than one car and a few drivers tempers were also involved . The track handled it all with ease , fire trucks , rescue and tow trucks were there rapidly and cleared the track off so the racing could begin again . The cars started in the same order they were in prior to the incident . Some drivers got a bit confused but eventually with some help they found their spots . The evening was more fun that I could have imagined . I was sure I would be bored but for some reason I enjoyed myself . Maybe it was the company ? Who knows . Still I never thought I would go to a speedway let alone enjoy myself . I guess this proves that I am ever evolving and coming up with new beginnings . AutumnMommy You may have noticed that I have not blogged at all in the recent months . I got lost in time while taking care of my Mom when she came home from the assisted living facility that she was staying at . She was so happy and vibrant when she came home . She had several surgeries on her obstructed trachea . I lost count of all the doctor appointments I took her too . We had some good times , some hysterical times and yes some bad times . She was stubborn and would do too much , like walking down stairs when there was a chair glider that would safely bring her down or upstairs . She would refuse to use her walker and I can 't tell you how many times I would find her walker in a room with her in a different room . Sadly this led to more than a few injuries and several calls to 911 . The most horrible sound I have ever heard was a thud one morning . I ran into the living room to find my mother unresponsive , not breathing and head down - body lying up the stairs . Do I move her and get her breathing again ? What if she broke her neck or back ? I did take some first aid classes and they always told us to check for ABCs first . Airway , Breathing and Circulation . Her head was blocking her tracheotomy ( no airway ) , she wasn 't breathing , circulation was working as evidence by the growing pool of blood under her head . I chose to move her and make sure she was breathing . Then I called 911 . This was the beginning of the end I think . At the time I didn 't know it though . The paramedics took good care of her and even though she didn 't want to I INSISTED that she go to the hospital saying that when you stop breathing after falling down 10 steps it was probably a good idea to go to the hospital . When I was let into the emergency room they were stitching up her head . Luckily there were no brain bleeds this time . She did however break four ribs . They kept her in the hospital for a few days and then home with me again . She fell down the stairs one other time , she has diabetes and her blood sugars started getting out of whack . I got a kidney infection , then I caught mono ( and not from the fun way either ) . So much was happening all at once and finally one day I snapped . I woke up early and Dad said he couldn 't wake up Mom . I couldn 't either . I tested her blood sugar and it was 20 . It should be around 9 - 100 . She was almost dead basically . What if Dad hadn 't tried to wake her up , he usually doesn 't ? What if I wasn 't there ? I called 911 for maybe the 11th time and they were there quickly . They brought her blood sugar back up and again she refused to go to the hospital . I couldn 't make her . Everyone left and I needed some fresh air . Before I could step out my dad told me that he was in insulin reaction . She I got him food , two with low blood sugar almost at the same time . While this is going on the toilet upstairs overflowed and in - between my parents a crack formed in the ceiling and it was raining in the living room . I had to turn off the water upstairs and figure out how to soak up at least an inch of water covering the entire bathroom . I started with towels , moved to sheets and finally resorted to newspapers . It was a mess but the water finally was soaked up . I went out , picked up a friend , came back and tried to relax and refocus . I needed to get food for dinner , Dad wanted ham and we didn 't have any . So I was getting ready to go and my mother who has not been eating a lot all day checks her blood sugar level and it is over 400 . WHAT ? So she takes insulin , just a little I think 4 units and I go to the store . I am there for a half hour and come back to my mother in insulin reaction again . We had been watching my brother 's dog for a week and she was biting us and knocking us over . It was just so much all at once . Mom had surgery coming up that week , Dad was to start chemo for bladder cancer on Monday . I wash 't allowed to take either of them to the appointments because I was sick . My brother was coming home that night and I needed to get away . I had been taking care of my parents for 9 months with not many breaks . I took one weekend off . So I packed up a bag and said I needed a week to myself . I filled my brother in on what needed to be done that week with the appointments . My aunt was coming in to stay with them so I knew he would have backup . I made sure to hug and kiss both mom and dad before I left telling them both that I loved them . I drove to Pennsylvania that night to stay with a friend . All was good until Wednesday when I got a call that mom fell again . This time her heart stopped . My aunt gave her CPR and one final call to 911 was made . This time I wasn 't there . I don 't know if the usual paramedics that I have become aquatinted with responded . Sadly , I recognize many of them from repeated visits to the house . I was told to stay in PA , there was nothing I could do . I called my aunt to thank her and she and I talked about how it was too much for me now . And maybe we should think about assisted living for them . My friend offered to let me move in with her and got me job interviews by the end of the week . On the following Monday after my second job interview I went home . I had to go to the hospital to sign the DNR ( Do Not Resuscitate ) order and watch them disconnect my mother from life support . My daughter joined me to say goodbye to Grandma . My brother and I sat with her as she continued to breath on her own . Her brain was not functioning . Still Mom is stubborn . She may have not wanted to be connected to machines but still she wanted to hang on . My brothers wife and middle son joined him . They support each other through the night . My aunt and uncle were there for part of the time . Finally around 7 am we all left , we needed sleep . Mom was doing fine . She finally passed away on August 20 . We had visited her just 2 hours before and were horrified to see the hospital was giving her oxygen , which she DID NOT want . We made sure it was disconnected and went home . The phone rang not long after as soon as I saw it was the hospital I knew . I called my brother and told him and I had to wake my father up to break the news to him . They had been married for 50 years . How do you tell someone their spouse of 50 years has died ? My brother and I took care of all the arrangements , mostly my brother thankfully . She wanted to be cremated so it was arranged . I picked out a pendant to carry some of her ashes in for myself and my daughter . No viewing , but two memorial services were planned . I read her eulogy and completed it with a reading of her favorite book " There 's a Monster at the End of This Book " . A fitting tribute to her . I got the kids off to school and Dad his breakfast this morning . Mom was still asleep , Dad was watching TV and I was tired so I went back to sleep . I happily drifted back to sleep and was happily dreaming when I heard a loud crash and fall . Whatever made the sound was big and I knew right away that it was a person . I didn 't know who , but I knew it was bad . I think I flew out of my bed and I am sure I made it to the living room in one or two steps . I screamed " Are you okay ? " Hoping to hear a reply as I was running but there was no answer . I saw Dad calmly sitting in his chair and for a moment I thought everything was okay . Then I turned towards the stairs and I saw my mother as the bottom of the steps . Her head and neck were on the floor at an odd angle . Her body was lying up the stairs so she was basically upside down . I looked up and saw a pair of pants halfway up the stairs . I looked down and she was so still . It took me a moment to realize that she wasn 't breathing . Her head was blocking her tracheotomy and she was unconscious . At first I thought she was dead . I moved her so her head was off her stoma and made sure her airway was clear . Breathing was more important than a possible broken neck . Luckily she started to breath on her own and her eyes opened up , but she didn 't know what was happening . I ran to the phone and once again called 911 . I have called 911 too many times in the last six months . You know you have when start to recognize the paramedics and police officers , and they remember you too . Luckily I have the routine down now and had all of Mom 's meds ready for them so they could write them all down . Then I realized that I was asleep , snuggled in my bed and that I 'm in my underpants and the police , paramedics and all sorts of people are about to arrive . I ran and put my pants on and I felt so guilty . I should have not cared and held Mom 's hand while we waited . Instead I put pants on ! I have to say that it felt like forever for them to come , but I know in reality it was just moments . They flowed into thPosted by Wow , it has been a while since I last added to my blog . So much has been going on . First I really am enjoying dating with the help of the internet . If it had been available when I was a teen or in my twenties I wonder how different my world would be now . I used to laugh when I hear people describe it like shopping , but that is exactly what it is like . I have moved on from the first two sites I used when I began internet dating . Match . com was useless . Zoosk was fun and I made a few connections , nothing that made it past friendship however . Some were scammers , the ones who tried to prey on vulnerabilities and convince you they loved you so you would send them money . Maybe because I don 't trust people I didn 't fall for them . Now I have learned some " tells " that the scammers or a few scammers with many online identities use . So far the ones who ask for thousands of dollars have all been from Europe , new to the States , Willing to relocate , Rich ( obviously not or they would 't be asking me for money ) , and very attractive . Luckily for me I noticed they would " type with an accent " . The syntax they used when chatting was just a bit off and of course when I pointed this out and made sure to casually mention that I never send money to the scammers they never contacted me again . There also are the men who only want to chat with you , nothing else - never intending on meeting you . Most of them I cut loose too . There are a few that entertain me and I have developed a bit of a bond with . It is kind of exciting talking to someone you know you will never meet and share things that you never thought you would . No last names , no idea where either of us really lives . Nothing that will help us find each other in real life . There are two sites I have found and love ; OKCupid and Lots of Fish . Each for different reasons and both because I have had much more success with them . Both let you just page through photos and decide if you want to meet them . At first I thought how superficial ! I don 't choose men just on how they look ! But I was wrong , we all do it , we all in that first glance make so many determinations . So I choose yes I want to meet them or no I don 't , sometimes maybe is a choice too . It is the profiles I enjoy reading . Some men are very creative and their profiles alone make me want to contact them . This is where I don 't feel so superficial . When I read their profiles , photos are not the only thing I use to decide if I want to contact them . Though there are times when photos alone will keep me from contacting them . I do not think I am the most beautiful person , I am okay but there are many women who look better than I do . However I do know what photos of me to post and what ones to avoid . If I had a photo of me in a hospital gown I would NOT use that as my profile pic . That said I have seen more than one man in a hospital gown in their profile pic . Another thing I don 't understand in profile pics that show men with the fish they caught or a few showing the gutted deer they hunted . While I get they are proud of themselves and it shows that they like the outdoors , I find it strange . But at least if you choose to contact one of them you know what you are in for and if you don 't like hunting or fishing then you were warned . What is unique is how each site " finds " you someone . OKCupid asks direct questions with just a few answers . Some are very ordinary and others are VERY personal . The more you answer the more likely they can find yo a good match . Funny their top match for me is someone I meet while I was still with my ex and I was / am very attracted to him . We have been chatting and gone on a date . So far it is a good match . It is like shopping , but different . You don 't want to just pick and choose a couple profiles you like . The more you contact , the better chance you have that a few will contact you back and maybe one of them will be a good match . So I have been dating , learning how to do the whole on line dating thing and having a lot of fun exploring and meeting new men . It is so much easier then before I was married , but harder too because I have to be more careful and at some point I will have to let my guard down to get close to somebody . I 'm not there yet though . I have really been looking forward to this date . If you had asked me a few years ago about online dating I would have laughed and said it was not for me . I might be right . This was my second first date using an online dating sight . The first guy ( not so cute ) was wonderful to talk to and the conversations we had were fantastic ! The second guy and I have been talking on the phone and he seemed okay but the conversations have been a bit one sided and choppy . But he was cute so I agreed to a date . He lives far away so we met in the middle . I was safe and would only meet him in a public place in the middle of the day . He picked McDonalds . While we were there he didn 't ask if I wanted anything ( I didn 't but it would have been nice to be asked . It was a date after all . ) while he drank his coffee . Then he started to get all touchy and was suggesting we gets bottle of wine and find a place to drink it . Then he wanted me to let him get into my car so we could drive to another location . No , sorry , not happening ! So I made sure we stayed in our separate cars and I filled him to another public area so we could walk a little . The weather was beautiful and I was looking forward to being outside and not shivering . On the way to our walk , while in our separate cars , I called my brother and asked him to give me a call in a half hour so I could duck out of the date if I felt the need . I fully expected to need that call . I have never done that before . This was all new to me . I never dated much before I met my ex and that was many years ago . We parked in a small lot overlooking an intersection between two creeks . You could clearly see where the two flows combined . It was beautiful . I was mesmerized . It would have been a great romantic place . Oddly here he was almost ignoring me . I was clearly interested in the beauty of nature and he was not interested in it at all . he wanted to go on our walk so I made sure we walked on the main street of the village we met in . On the way to the parking lot I noticed a cute shop that promised books , toys and food , three of my favorite things ! I was hoping that we would walk by it . We must have been an interesting pair to watch as we walked . He was 15 inches taller than me . Luck was with me , he turned toward the store I wanted to go to . I was even more lucky when we got there and it was open . Yes , on my big date , I decided to go shopping . I said I wanted to go into the store and before he could protest I was in . This was my dream store . Educational toys , fun toys , cute toys , toys from my childhood and even those roll caps that we used to hit with a hammer to make them bang . I still remember the smell those caps made . I should have bought some . I was clearly thrilled to be there and he was there . A few times while we were in the store he tried to initiate conversation . I have to give him credit for that . He just couldn 't keep it going . I shopped , I bought some items to use in the classroom . I found Guatemalan Worry Dolls , I buy them every time I find them . I even found those gunpowder filled paper pops that my kids love to play with . He bought a bottle of Coke and didn 't offer me any . We found a bench to sit on and again he was all touchy . I was very uncomfortable and at least got him to stop trying to kiss me . Then my phone rang and I am sad to say that I took my out and rushed home . Well , I drove home for over an hour and bought myself dinner because I was starving ! Now I have a third guy messaging me , again he looks good and seems okay on line . But in person we are not doing okay . They seemed thrilled with me , and both are asking me out again . I have said no to both . I have gotten away from one less than ideal guy and I am not planning on going through that again . So I am being picky and I am being assertive . When did I become this person ? The woman I was before I met my ex was terrified to call him on the phone . Now I am messaging guys online looking for a date . Surprise ! " I need a shirt , I need a shirt , where is a shirt , I need a shirt , a shirt , where are my shirts ? I need a shirt , I have a sweater but I don 't have a shirt . " This continued for about 15 minutes . If you know me then you know I don 't do 6 am well . Usually if I see it , it is because I haven 't gone to sleep yet . 6 : 30 am - My ex calls to let me know he is on his way to pick up the kids for school . Since I am awake and trying to figure out the bed situation between two kids at two houses , suddenly we need two more beds . Of course when I say we , I really mean me , because I am pretty much on my own here . Had I known WWIII would have occurred I might have pretended to be asleep . The problem - I have a king size bed I told B that she could use because P was sleeping in the back room and it wasn 't big enough for the bed . Of course P , wants the bigger bed and since he had a full size bed at Dad 's house he doesn 't want a smaller bed . I get that and know that my e still hasn 't bought B a new bed so since she has a new bed with me I thought P could get a full size bed at my house . This started a huge argument because me ex couldn 't understand why I needed another bed here . So I gave up and said I would find one on my own , not to worry and let 's change the conversation so we don 't get into a fight . ( I could feel it building up in me . ) Then he started yelling at me about money , I overdrew my account ( A child figured out a password and things were purchased , and they got into a lot of trouble . ) I knew where this was going . We have two joint bank accounts . One he calls his side and the other he calls my side . I have bank cards in my name for both accounts . He wants me to give him the one for the account that he calls " his side " . It has my name on it and it is a joint account so I said I was keeping it . I used it accidentally once and quickly transferred money to " his side " so no bouncing would happen . Since then he has been almost harassing me to give him the card . This morning though he went a step too far . He told me that he would not pick up the kids for school in the mornings anymore , forcing me to move them into a new school district mid - year , if I didn 't give him my bank card . The only reason I agreed to wait until the summer to file for divorce was to keep the kids in their current school district for the rest of the year . I am going to be the custodial parent so they would have to go to the district that I live in . To be safe I called the school district I live in now to start the process and get the paperwork filled out . I have documents to get copied and statements to be notarized . And the day is still early it is only 10 : 30 am at this point now and I am at work teaching . I love my job , today though was trying . Maybe it was because their music class and lunch were both before noon and the afternoon seemed to go on forever ? I was so tired at the end of the day and just wanted to go home . Yikes I almost forgot to pick up the cat from the vets . She was spayed yesterday and luckily the vet was on the way home . I go in to pick up Oreo and I can 't find the check . They won 't let me pick her up without paying . I have just enough time to go home get a check and come back before they close . Now I am on a mission . I make good time getting home and turn the last corner of the back way to the house and am greeted with a road closed sign . My street is closed ? What ? Why ? Oh , good I can get around the sign and the road looks clear . At the corner ( almost next to my house ) I see flashing lights and construction equipment . I flashback to the morning and recall the gas company marking pipes . Is something wrong with the gas ? Do we need to evacuate ? I pull in the driveway and none of the workers run over to me and tell me to get out of the area . They do notice me and seem okay with my presence so I am a bit relieved . Dad is okay and I explain about the check and I have to go back to get Oreo and he understands . Back to the vet 's office I go , I go around the construction vehicles to see what is going on . Again they are not concerned by my obvious rubbernecking and watch me as I access the situation . My street is blocked of from the major intersection one block down on either side of the intersection . So two full blocks are " closed " . The major street is double blocked . Two sets of roadblocks are set up a block apart to really make sure the road is closed . Plus the construction vehicles and trucks are placed across the intersection so there is no possible way to go through . Now I am more concerned and I just left my partially blind , partially deaf , father who can 't walk well and has dementia home alone just houses away from whatever is happening . My brother calls and I tell him about it . He calls the police and finds out that it is a water main break . Okay , dad is safe , he might be thirsty but he is safe . Back to the cat . As I got into the car to go back to the vet 's office I found the check on the car floor . I had it all along and just didn 't see it . I picked up Oreo and it is almost 5 pm . I still have to get Dad to see Mom , make dinner , get the kids oh and my aunt is coming into town tonight and I need to get ready for her . Finally back home , I notice that Dad is a bit out of sorts . At first I think it is because I have been gone all day and he was grumpy . He yells and tells me that he wants water ( ah , water main break . They must have shut the water off and he couldn 't get anything to drink . ) Then he holds up a cup and asks me what is in it . I look and smell it , it is Coca - Cola . Dad has diabetes and the last thing he needs is a drink filled with sugar ( okay it is the last thing I need too , but a girl has to have some vices ! ) I look and the bottle of pop I bough last night is half gone ! I test his blood sugar level and it is high . He gets extra insulin and doesn 't want to visit Mom so I go . I think I will visit for a short time and get home to make Dad dinner and get to work getting ready for my aunt . I was wrong . Very rarely do I go visit Mom without Dad . When I do I walk the halls faster because it is just me . I turn the corner and enter Mom 's room . She is delighted to see me and holds her hands out in anticipation . I have no idea why . I notice that she has a stunning new haircut but have no idea what she expected me to bring her . Oh no ! She has been looking forward to a spaghetti dinner from a local American Legion Post . I forgot all about it and I see that she is disappointed . I feel awful and I ask the dreaded question . " Do you want me to go get it for you now ? " She nods and apologize , briefly explain my day so far and meekly walk out of the building . It is 6 pm . Where Mom is , is not close to where the spaghetti is . However my children are on the way so I swing by and pick them up . I manage to get to the post five minutes before they stop serving the spaghetti and back into the car we go . The kids are thirsty and Burger King is next - door so I order three small drinks . When did small become a large ? we could have swum in the amount of beverage we received . I get on the highway and I think I know how to get back to where Mom is . It is a different route than I usually take , but I just took the route to where I was , how hard could it be to back track . I am familiar with the area and very rarely get lost . Today was one of those times . I didn 't really get lost , I just couldn 't get to where I needed to be . I knew where I was the whole time . After ending up on another expressway and back all the way from downtown to the science museum and back again I finally got back to Mom 's . We get out of the car , well B and I got out of the car . Somehow I managed to lock P in the minivan . Of course I did , nothing is going right today ! It is almost 8 pm when Mom finally get 's her spaghetti dinner . I have to get the kids home , they need to do their homework , I need to get Dad dinner . . . OMG Dad I forgot about Dad , it is 8 pm and her goes to bed at 8 pm . Somehow I managed to get home in just fifteen minutes . It is the first thing today that has gone smoothly . Dad is so relieved that we are okay that he isn 't upset that we were gone so long . I give him his meds and off to bed he goes . On the way upstairs he asks me to get him some pop tomorrow because the pop we have at home tastes horrible . Of course it did , because he is used to diet and drank my regular , sugar filled pop . The kids go to bed , Dad is in bed it is 9 pm and I think my day is done . Wrong ! My son hurts himself and reacts like someone chopped off his arm . He is screaming , I am yelling and overwhelmed and Dad comes downstairs . It is too loud . Finally he goes back up , P wants to snuggle and he calms down . I had to tickle him to break him out of the doldrums . Sometimes a tickle is the best medicine . I manage to crawl up to bed around 11 : 00 pm and my aunt arrives around 11 : 45 pm . The day is almost over and my body is ready to collapse . My brain however has hamsters running on the wheel and won 't stop . It doesn 't help that I know my morning and afternoon tomorrow are booked solid . What does help is that I have a date tomorrow . He is 6 ' 5 " and I am 5 ' 1 " so it should be interesting . I am doing the online dating thing . I am being safe and meeting him for the first time in a nice public place in the middle of the afternoon . I am nervous , it has been almost 20 years since I dated and I never really dated before my ex . Wish me luck ! The last few weeks have been a series of ups and downs for my mother . Mom has been in and out of the ER because she has been having issues with her tracheotomy . Anytime I see the name of her rehab center on my caller ID I cringe . This week alone she has been in the ER twice . The second one happened at night and she made me stay home and I decided not tell Dad . I worried all night . There was nothing he could do except make me take him to the ER to be with her . I did tell my brother and if things were to get worse I would get Dad there ASAP . At the same time I don 't want to get so used to Mom going to the ER for tracheotomy issues . I don 't want to assume she will be okay and have something bad happen because I am taking my time getting there . Mom was the one who told me to stay home so I feel that I was respecting her wishes . I let her know I wouldn 't tell dad and she understood . But I felt guilty . There have been some fun things that have happened . Next to where Mom stays is a take out place called Twisted Pickle . I drive by it every day and finally I had enough and walked over to try their food . I did try to look up their menu before I went but it was " under construction " . I decided that I would walk over there and see find out exactly what a " Twisted Pickle " was . Well , Mom wanted some wings . Of course she has no cash , there is no need for patients to have cash so she asked Dad for money . He has a tendency to be purposely funny difficult . Hmmm , now I know where I get that from . So he tries to hide his money from her . She was having none of that and even though they were both in wheelchairs and neither one could walk she " attacked " him and got the money for her wings . He decided that he would get a mixed sub , he will deny all of this however and insist that he was robbed . I have tried to find the joy in simple things . So on one ER visit I found such joy . The ER has the smallest parking lot I have ever seen at a hospital . Even worse than parking at college . It might be large enough for 20 cars . Everytime I go there I have to get Dad out of the car , into the wheelchair , inside and into the room where mom is . This happens while my flashers are flashing so no one will hit the car in the tiny lot while I am doing this , because of course there is no parking and valet parking is on the other side of the hospital . This time after I got dad inside the clouds opened up and as angels sang a bean of light shined on a car backing up and leaving from the seconded closest parking spot from the ER entrance . I managed to quickly maneuver their minivan into the coveted spot and just about danced into the hospital . I didn 't have to go into the parking garage ( I hate it in there I always actually duck my head when I drive in because the ceiling is so low ! ) , I wouldn 't have to pay a fee for parking . Joy in such a simple thing ! Now the absolute best thing that happened this week is my aunt emailed me two photos of my grandfather that were taken before he met my grandma . These had to be from the 1930 's . He was in the U . S . Army and stationed in Hawaii . The photos show just how much of a fun guy he was . I miss him so much , but as the years go by I forget more and more about him . I only knew him for 15 or 16 years . The day I found these in my email was the day of the above ER visit and seeing my Grandpa doing the Hula made my day , I hope they make yours too ! Today though we received some disappointing news . The surgery that Mom needs to get the tracheotomy out has been postponed indefinitely . The LASER that they need to use , the one her doctor has been patiently waiting for because it travels between hospitals is not working . They don ; t know how long the repairs will take . Her surgery was supposed to be in the morning and now we have no idea . All the problems were tolerable because the possible end date was in sight . Now we have no idea . I was the one who broke the news to her . She took it okay but I could tell that she was upset . I did soften the blow with her treasured thurenger though so that helped . While cleaning this week I found a wonderful photo of my parents together . I am leaving you with this image . This is how I always think of my parents , happy together and well . Posted by Kinks in a catheter tube . Just like a regular hose if it kinks the fluid can 't get through . What to do if your child hides in the back of the minivan while you are bringing the wheelchair back into the hospital . I really thought he had run off for a moment . We all have had that annoying beep , the one you can 't find , the one that taunts you until you are sure you will go mad ! We have ripped the smoke detectors off the walls and removed the batteries over and over again . Sometimes however the beep isn 't so easy to trace , especially when there are two going on at the same time and you don 't know that they are mocking you . Today the torment began around noon . I came home for lunch to check on Dad , that is another story filled with blood and gore so I won 't go into it now . After I replaced his foley bag and gave him lunch I heard the beep . Dad did not and since I didn 't have time to hunt it down and it wasn 't bothering him I went back to work . After work I came back home and there was the beep , but Dad was my priority and the blood and gore was worse so to the ER we went . I forgot about the beeping and just made sure Dad was okay . The ER made sure he was okay and sent us home with instructions to follow up with the Coumadin Clinic ( You know how I feel about them ! That is my new swear word , Oh , Coumadin Clinic ! ) and the Urology Department . So back home we went . As I walked in the door I was welcomed by that beep ! The security system seemed the logical suspect . It controlled all the detectors . Yes , there was the yellow triangle taunting me knowing that I had no idea how to make it stop beeping . A bit of a backstory . My parents have a security system , that possibly once had instructions to it but now neither of them remembers how to use it and have no idea where instructions are . The phone number on the door is to another state and when called is answered by a personal answering machine . My brother and I have called that number various times and of course no one has called us back . He was ready to rip out the power supply if he had to . Up until today the system was nice and quiet and caused us no grief , except we didn 't know how to use it . But today there were all the beeps . Loud high pitched rattle your bones and burrow into your ears beeps . So I called that number once again and left a cut off message . As soon as I hung up - BEEP ! SO I called back and a miracle happened , the phone was answered . It was a human and she was surprised that I didn 't have a local number . Thankfully she gave me that number and the contact person 's name . I called and he called me back and told me how to silence the alarm . That would have been the end of it too except two alarms were going off , I just didn 't know it yet . I hung up the phone and started to eat my dinner , it may have been after 9 : 00 but it still was my dinner . I took a bit of my Reuben and BEEP ! So I called him back . He had me try different codes . He finally gave me a master code which should have done the trick , of course neither of us knew about the second alarm yet . Finally P and I staked out the alarm key pads and figured out the beeping was coming from the dining room . When I called my new best friend at the alarm company back this was the solution to the puzzle . The problem wasn 't just the security system but he thought it was a carbon monoxide detector . If you look carefully at the photo you will notice a green light , that means there is no carbon monoxide detected . Good ! I have had carbon monoxide poisoning and it was a carbon monoxide detector that woke me up and saved my life . But this detector was not beeping to let us know there was carbon monoxide detected . It was beeping to let us know that it was dying and would soon no longer be able to detect carbon monoxide . Now the fun begins . My new best friend tells me to remove the cover . He said if I had to smash it with a hammer that is okay . Luckily it just popped right off . Though I am sure smashing it with a hammer would have been satisfying . The detector is wired into the houses electrical system , no batteries . I just looked at it and wondered how I was going to turn it off . It turns out that turning it off was not an option . I had to remove it from the electric supply . Because there was no battery to remove I had the pleasure of cutting the red wire . First I tried to pull it out and it wouldn 't budge , so finally I got a pair of scissors and snip ! The wire was cut and the beeping finally stopped . So after a long day of teaching , going to the Emergency Room and hunting down beeping and security personal I finally finished my dinner and took my anxiety meds . After a day like today I definitely needed them . Hopefully tomorrow will be a nice calm day . It could happen , right ? Three in the morning my brother wakes me up . They are home from the emergency room . Dad 's bladder after the surgery needed a break and Dad now has a Foley Catheter in to give his bladder some time off to heal . Not that there is any great time to learn how to use a Foley Catheter bag , but three in the morning after waking up out of a sound sleep is definitely not the best time . But I did and lost track of how many times I had to tell Dad that he couldn 't remove the catheter . It had to be uncomfortable , but the pressure was relieved and he was feeling better . He went right to sleep , I tossed and turned for a while and finally went to sleep . I am so glad that I had the presence of mind to call off of work the next day . That is one advantage of being a substitute teacher I can choose not to work if I need to . I picked up my anxiety meds today , so they were no use to me last night . I luckily had a guided meditation app on my iPad so I used it a couple times and finally I was able to control my anxiety enough to go to sleep . I was sure Dad would sleep in this morning . He went to bed at 3 am , no such luck . 7 : 00 am he was up bright eyed and bushy tailed . I however was stumbling around because well I did not sleep well . Add to that the fact that I don 't do mornings well and I took a deep breath and started the day . I got him downstairs and gave him his meds . He had his breakfast ( The same exact breakfast that ha has every morning , how ? ) , a bottle of water , coffee , and drained the bag into the reservoir . Now I just had to figure out how to empty the reservoir . The fun part of the day was convincing Dad that the bag and catheter were necessary . He was convinced it was an open wound on his leg . Now there was a plus side to this . I didn 't have to guide him in and out of the bathroom over and over again at night . Plus I knew when I had to run errands he would sit in his chair and not have to get up . That means less times I have to help him when he gets lost in the house . The bag was getting more full . It was fast approaching . I was going to have to empty the bag . I got a bucket and took a deep breath . I studied the locking mechanism and figured it out . The bucket was in place and I did it , I opened the latch and the waterfall was unleashed . The bag was empty and Another one of my fears were conquered . Now I know I can handle it . He as to do his part , but I think we can do it . Still February 21 is ten days away . How many more times will I have to empty it ? I am not a fan of Mondays . Not for the reason you may think . I love going to work , okay I may not love mornings but they happen every day of the week . Mondays are the day I get the kids back after they spent Sunday with their dad . Getting them back into my routine with them is a battle . They try to do what they want and fight me when I play the mom card . Luckily it usually only takes Monday to get them back into the swing of things . Today was a double whammy . Dad had his bladder surgery . I was up at 6 : 15 am ( see above to see what I think of mornings ) and had Dad at the hospital at 7 : 01 . I got him inside and had a great parking spot . Finally after 8 am they finally started getting Dad prepped for surgery . Then I had to go to the waiting room . The chairs were so uncomfortable especially with my hip that I went home for a short bit . I spent the morning trying to find my parents security company . I am convinced they don 't exist . I finally found their address and back to the hospital . Since his surgery was supposed to be at 8 am and I knew he wasn 't in at 9 am , I thought maybe by 1 pm his surgery would at least be started . I walked in and found out that he still was waiting . Then I spent the afternoon dealing with my ex , figuring out income taxes , trying to find a comfortable way to sit in those chairs and arguing with a Coke machine . Still no Dad . This was worse than any other Monday that I have felt with in a long time and the kids aren 't even home yet . Oh I was hungry . I hadn 't eaten much but I was told if I wash 't in the waiting room the doctor wouldn 't tell me how the surgery went . So I waited and waited and waited . Finally when it was almost 5 pm someone came in and told me that Dad was back upstairs and getting ready to go home . WHAT ? Where was the doctor , why didn 't anyone come get me ? So I managed to get the doctor to come back and they removed 5 polyps from his bladder . Dad was disoriented like her usually is when he goes to sleep and wakes up in the middle of the night . Luckily my brother was there to help get him out of the hospital . We got McDonalds on the way home and dad almost inhaled french fries on the way home . Oh the evening was barely started and the kids came home . Dad was grumpy and I was sleepy ( I guess we were two of the seven dwarfs ) and hungry . I was about to eat when Dad threw up . A wonderful side effect of the anesthesia . So began my evening . Dad is in the bathroom , B is running back and forth , upstairs and downstairs . I was getting dizzy . The only blessing was that P was quiet and out of the way . Wait , P was being quiet , he even helped me take out the garbage . Not only that but he gave me an unsolicited hug . I 'm not going to rock that boat . Then Dad decided that he wanted to go to the Emergency Room . I am pretty sure he is just feeling the side effects of the anesthetic , but who knows . He can be so stubborn and he thinks that I am going to let him take a cab to the ER . Does he not know how stubborn his daughter is ? I am his daughter after all . I had custody of his wallet and hid the phones , there would be no cabs on my shift . My brother came and took him to the ER , during all this B , has refused to go to bed . She keeps telling me that she " just needs one more thing " I am so tired and cranky and it is Monday and I just want to go to sleep . Don 't worry she is okay , but she is confined to one room and had better be going to sleep . Now it is 11 : 13 and I am waiting to hear how Dad is . I am sure it is going to be a long night but Monday is almost over . I just hope that with the arrival of Tuesday some routine comes back . The kids settle down ( okay just B ) , Dad is feeling better , I am more awake and maybe even get a good nights sleep . I am looking forward to this Monday being over . Tomorrow I need to get my father to the VA hospital at 7 am for bladder surgery . He has bladder cancer . He has had it for a long time and it seems more of an annoying cancer than deadly . Of course that can change . Every year or so he needs surgery to remove growths from his bladder . No chemo , no radiation , nothing like that , just surgery every so often . Of course usually Mom is the one who deals with this . I only know what I have been told and I found out accidentally . So I am sure there are things about his cancer that I don 't know . Dad is not a fountain of knowledge on the subject . Then again he might be but just can 't tell me what he knows because he can 't get his brain to allow his voice to say the words he wants to say . Mom can barely talk because of the tracheotomy so it is hard to get information out of her right now . I wasn 't prepared to deal with cancer , then again I wasn 't prepared to deal with my mother almost dying five times . Dad has been out of sorts these last few days . I know the surgery is on his mind . He has been getting ready for it for a week now . Usually he doesn 't know what day it is and thinks he needed to go to the hospital for the surgery over and over again . He has been having more trouble sleeping than usual . Today he came downstairs after bed to see if I knew his ID number for the VA . He couldn 't remember if he had the number right . I am worried that I will over sleep . I don 't wake up well , I don 't do mornings well . If I could sleep all day I would . Maybe I should stay up all night . Probably not , I am sure driving on the snow covered roads while falling asleep isn 't the best idea . Of course that is just the beginning of my worries . This is a surgery , he will be put under anesthesia and there is always a chance that he won 't wake up . I made sure to take him to visit Mom today , just in case . Ugh , I hate even thinking that . But one thing I have learned in the last few months is in the blink of an eye life can change . The wind can knock a person over and cause a cascade of one health crisis after another . A surgery can not go as planned . Of course the house is quiet tonight it is my ex 's night with the kids . So my mind can easily dwell on all the bad that can happen . I wish the kids were her to distract me a little . I almost brought B back home because D was yelling at both kids and she claimed to not know why . I tried to talk to him to find out what was going on , but he refused to speak to me . Sometimes he can be just as bad as a pouting child . So I don 't know what was going on . She wanted to come home and if I didn 't have to take Dad to the hospital so early I would have gotten her . So many worries and I try to focus on the good , the fun and the happy . I had a visit from a friend today . We grew up on the same block . She helped me do some deep cleaning because my hip has been preventing me from doing a lot . It just doesn 't prevent me from worrying ! This last week my father has been more fun than usual . He thinks he is funny anyway . I wish I was carrying my camera with me because he definitely has been doing silly things . I guess this is the cute side of having a parent that you need to care for like a child . It is my reward for being woken up every 1 1 / 2 hours by him some nights . Of course it is during these late night disturbances that he can be his silliest . I do all I can to ensure his privacy . There are things I don 't need to see , and if I have seen them that does not mean I want to see them again . So I have gotten very good at looking up and making sure doors or curtains are closed . My parents don 't have a door on their bathroom upstairs . Instead they have a set of curtains on a curtain rod so he can get in and out of the bathroom from his bedroom and not bump into the door . Did I mention the curtains are a bit on the sheer side ? I have gotten pretty good at directing Dad out of his room , into the bathroom , and back to his bed . While he is in there I stay nearby because I know he has to get back to bed ( because I want to go back to bed ) . Last night he called me while he was in the bathroom . First question I asked was " Are you zipped up ? " " Yes . " So I opened the curtain . There is my 78 year old father with his thumb on his nose and wiggling his fingers in the air . He was giggling and I swear he was dancing while doing it . Silly ! Of course some of the silly things are because he can 't see or because of the strokes he had last year . He isn 't trying to be silly but he sure appreciates the humor after the fact . One day he called me all upset because he couldn 't figure out how to put his pants on . First thing I noticed was that he already was wearing pants . Why was he trying to put another pair of pants on . I tried to explain this to him but he was bound and determined to put those pants on . Sometimes it is just easier to let him try and then steer him in the right direction after he realizes that it won 't work . I showed him where the waist was and where the legs were . Then he took the pants and started to put his arms in the leg holes and put them on over his head . Yes , my father was trying to wear his pants as a shirt . Now I understood his problem and could get him a shirt . Then Dad understood what he was doing and laughed so hard that it was several minutes before he calmed down enough to put the shirt on . Today he was having trouble with his words . Sometimes he gets frustrated and gives up . Sometimes I can figure it out and steer him in the right direction . This time I was perplexed . Eventually he managed to get what he wanted to say across but this is how it went . Now I want to know where this store is ? Of course I need to know their return and exchange policy . Finally through some questions while I tried not to laugh I found out that he wanted a bag to carry his meds around . Once I knew what he wanted he understood what he had said earlier and I am not sure who was laughing more , me or him . We do have some fun in the house . Some of it is planned but a lot of it is spontaneous and just pure silliness . We have to be silly so we don 't focus on the bad . Embrace the sillies ! For the last few weeks at school , when they have had school that is , P has been getting regular asthma attacks at school . Only at school and only at a specific time . The regularity of it worried me , the timing worried me and the fact that it didn 't happen out of school peaked my interest . He wasn 't faking , he was definitely wheezing , the school nurse confirmed it . My ex was the one the school kept calling . He would call the doctor and call me . I felt a bit out of the loop . I usually take the lead with medical issues . Usually because I can explain things better and pass along a message clearly . But with me at my parents house I was not around to take care of my children 's medical issues . I was taking care of my parent 's medical issues . Still the " asthma " attacks nagged at me . This week started out with another asthma attack . As usual the meds didn 't work and the symptoms eventually went away after a couple of hours . Usually after school was over . That night P came up to me and asked me if he had to go to school the next day . If he goes to immediate care and is kept out late sometimes I would keep him home . Especially if he didn 't get much sleep . However in this case he was home before school let out and staying home wasn 't an option . He begged me to let him stay home . He pleaded with me and told me how scared he was about having another attack . I don 't blame him there is not much scarier than not being able to breathe . My mom just went through that with an obstructed trachea . She ended up needed a tracheotomy . He was in tears and there was real fear in his voice . He clung to me with a death grip . He wasn 't being silly and this was not fake . He was afraid to go back to school . The next day I called his pediatrician and made an appointment for him . This was more than asthma . I was sure he was having anxiety issues . I had no idea how bad it was though . Luckily I was on the right track . Luckily I made that phone call and luckily I told my ex that I was taking P to the doctors and I was taking an afternoon of work off to do it . He didn 't think it was urgent and didn 't want to pay the copay . I would pay the full amount for the visit if I had to . The appointment was for the next day . That day I also found out that P had failed English last quarter of school . He wasn 't handing in his assignments . He was misplacing textbooks and assignments in school . His teachers were concerned and now I was too . I was almost in tears . The last few months added to this was about all I could take . Still I was at work and I had to pick up the kids from art . Back to the real world where I had to act like everything was okay and teach some math and reading . That night I was mad ! My dad went to bed and P asked to watch TV . Seriously I find out he is lying to me about homework , and failing English . NO ! No , TV for you ! He is in tears and screaming at me , telling me how much he hates me ( to which I always reply that I love him ) and that I am the worst Mom EVER ! ! ! Even after I went upstairs I could hear him crying and I remembered what it was like when I was a child and I thought my parents were the worst and how alone I felt when that happened . Of course I went back downstairs and called him over to the couch . He sat next to me and I hugged him , just a tight hug and told him that I loved him . That was exactly what he needed . Before I knew it he was telling me that he couldn 't handle school . He had three locker combinations to remember , he couldn 't remember which binder was for each class , where all his classes where , who his teachers were , what his homework was , what he needed to hand in to whom , where he needed to go after school , what house he would go to , when would he see Dad , when would he see me , what items were at each house . . . He is in sixth grade . He was overwhelmed and I think almost ready to pop . To hear your 11 year old say that he can 't handle school over and over again and to know from to quiver in his voice and the uncontrollable sobbing that this was real was almost more than I could handle . I listened to him and told him I would do anything I could to help him out . I held him and let him cry in my arms for two hours . I made sure I was there for him and I was so glad that I made that doctors appointment for the next day . Even the next morning when he went off to school and I saw the fear in my eyes I knew that I was on the right track to finding a way to help him . Right off the bat at the doctors office I told P 's Pediatrician that I thought it was anxiety and he immediately aground with me . He picked up on the fact that my ex was not someone who understood anxiety or how it can effect the body . He had no idea . Yes , my ex was fired by our psychologist . I had already called my psychologist , who had helped P before his diagnosis of Asperger 's Syndrome . I also had emailed ( it bounced back ) , called ( I was transferred to another extension ) and walked into my son 's school psychologist office to let him know my suspicions and to see if the school could help P out . Everything I had done was exactly what his pediatrician wanted me to do . He was hoping P could be seen soon by the psychologist , luckily I was going there that night . It had been a few years since I had last gone , but my world has abruptly changes these last few months so I gave him a call . HELP ! ! He also agreed with me and because he can 't get P in for at least 4 weeks he refereed us to another practice . P needs help now . Of course when I told D about all of this he heard it with reservations . He wants nothing to do with the mental health services . I hope that P doesn 't pick up on that . That night P offered to do the dishes , not something he usually does . He was so loving and snuggly and happy . He knew I had spent the day starting the process to get him help . I listened and let him talk . I didn 't over react and reassured him . Still I couldn 't help but think , " When it rains it pours ! " How much more can I take ? Luckily I called my psychologist and I think I am going to need him ! I am a Mommy . All my life that is what I wanted to be . I also am an elementary school teacher . At the moment I am a substitute teacher . I may not have my own classroom but I care about every one of my students like I would if I was their regular teacher . I recently left my husband . What started as a great marriage fell apart over the years into an emotional abusive relationship from him to me . The more independent I got the meaner he got . Finally among a family crisis he decided to leave the country to go to a sporting event . I had an opportunity to leave and I took it . So starts another new beginning for me . |
Officer Kowalski sighed . With the back of his left hand , he rubbed his forehead , just above his eyebrows , " Bring him back to the desk , " he said . Kowalski would have preferred to have said , " Show him to my office , " but he had no office . All he had was a desk , surrounded by other desks , in the middle of a busy police station . Kowalski would get an office with his next promotion . It would have glass walls rising from the floor to stop four feet below the ceiling , but at least it would be an office . Kowalski deserved that promotion . Everyone in the force knew it . His superiors had told him so several times . Barring a tragedy that he wouldn 't wish upon anyone in the force , Kowalski would have to wait at least three years for a position above him to become available . The City of Memphis had its share of turnover in the police ranks , but mostly turnover happened at the lower levels . Officers with Kowalski 's amount of skill and experience tend to stay at their jobs for as long as they can . No private job will offer them the same benefits , both material and emotional , that they find in big - city police work . Casey led the witness to Kowalski 's desk . Pretending to study paperwork , Kowalski had a few seconds to measure the man . He was of average height , very well dressed , with pitch - black stylish hair . For a second Kowalski thought that the man was wearing make - up . Then he realized that the witness merely had sharply - defined features , including dark deep - set eyes and lips that , at first glance , seemed to have been painted . Kowalski caught the scent of cologne . He noticed the expensive watch on the left wrist , and he also observed that neither hand sported any rings . Kowalski stood and shook the man 's hand . " Mr . Haven ? " he asked . The man nodded . " May I call you Tom ? " Another nod . " Please have a seat , Tom , " Kowalski said . Haven 's hands shook slightly . Kowalski knew that Haven was nervous , but that fact did not mean anything . Most citizens are unnerved by their first visit to a police station . He had come in on his own , though , not as a suspect . He said he had important evidence about a murder that had happened just a few hours earlier . Kowalski was the investigator covering the case . He hoped that Haven 's statement was going to make the case easier to solve , but he doubted that would happen . In all his years of investigating crimes , Kowalski had secretly formed a rule based on Murphy 's Law - that bit of folklore which says that if anything can go wrong , it will go wrong . Kowalski 's Corollary says that every new piece of evidence makes an investigation harder to solve . " I 'm here about the murder of Brad Greene , " Haven said . " You 're the one who 's looking into that , aren 't you ? " This time Kowalski nodded . " Well , Jess phoned me at work and said that you 're keeping her at the station as a suspect in the murder . I 'm here to tell you that she couldn 't have done it . She was with me all of last night . " Involuntarily , Kowalski raised his eyebrows in surprise . Brad Greene had died some time between midnight and six a . m . The coroner was likely to give a more precise time of death after further study . Greene had been murdered in his own home , on Poplar Street - not in the rough part of town , but further south , where things generally were quiet . Naturally , Brad 's wife was the first person the police had wanted to question . Two officers had gone to her office downtown and had driven her to the station . Kowalski had already questioned her that morning . She acted stunned by the news of her husband 's death . She had insisted that she had not been home at all last night , but then she had held back from saying where she had spent the night . Her reluctance to answer that one important question was the principal reason Kowalski had decided to keep her detained for further questioning . He had not yet charged her with the murder of her husband , but the paperwork was already started on his desktop computer . Narrowing his eyes , Kowalski peered across the desk at Haven and asked , " What time did Ms . Greene phoned you at work ? " Haven looked at his watch . " I guess it was about twenty minutes ago , " he said . Kowalski grunted . Jessica Greene had indeed used the phone twenty minutes earlier , as was her right . He had assumed that she was calling an attorney , or perhaps letting her parents know where she was and asking them to find an attorney for her . Tom Haven was dressed like a lawyer , but Kowalski knew that no lawyer would walk into a police station and announce , " The suspect was with me at the time of the crime . " At least not when the suspect was a pretty young woman , the victim was her husband , and the crime had happened at night . As Haven fidgeted nervously , Kowalski decided to press his advantage . " What were the two of you doing all night long ? " he asked , a blank look held on his face . " If you don 't mind me asking , " he added , insinuating that Haven might have secrets he would rather keep hidden . " We were talking , " he replied . " Actually , she did most of the talking . And a lot of crying too . I sat there and listened . She was telling me how Brad had locked her out of the house . And she was talking about the years they were married and the kind of life they had together . Eventually she wound down and started to fall asleep . I got her a pillow and a blanket and let her sleep on the couch . And I fell asleep in a chair , so I would be there if she needed anything during the night . " " So you two … slept together , " Kowalski said , his fingers poised over the computer keyboard . " " No , not at all , " Haven vehemently objected . " We were asleep in the same room , but there was nothing sexual about it . Don 't put down that we slept together , because that isn 't true . " Kowalski typed nothing , and Haven continued , " In the morning we woke up , Jess got a change of clothes from her car and took a shower , and we ate breakfast together . We drove our separate cars to work but arrived at the same time . She could not have been at her home any time since eight o ' clock last night . " Kowalski had never planned , of course , to record that Haven and Ms . Greene slept together . He just wanted to gauge Haven 's reaction to the expression . Already he could see that Haven was deeply fond of Ms . Greene . He wondered if Haven was fond enough to lie on her behalf . " Can you think of any witnesses who can back up what you say , that she spent the entire night at your house last night ? " he asked . " I don 't know . The neighbors might have seen her car in the driveway . We have a good crime watch in our neighborhood , so that 's something that might have been noticed . " Kowalski mused about a good crime watch . The Greenes ' house was in a part of the city protected by a good crime watch . Their neighbors called the police that morning . They reported that the back door of the house was wide open and that the place was unusually quiet . The first officers to respond walked carefully into the house through the open door , their guns drawn . Brad Greene 's body lay in the kitchen , bleeding from multiple stab wounds . He had been attacked by someone wielding a large knife from his own kitchen . Clearly there had been a protracted struggle . Apparently no neighbors had heard the sounds of the overnight attack . After calling for back - up , including someone from the coroner 's office to take charge of the body after the search was completed , the officers searched the rest of the house . No other person was present . So far as they could tell , nothing had been stolen : expensive electronics , jewelry , even money were sitting out in plain sight . While other officers continued to examine the evidence in the kitchen , Kowalski spoke with the neighbors that were still at home . He had always considered it a quiet neighborhood , older houses on small lots , not far from the University of Memphis . He learned that the Greenes had moved into the house about six months ago and had been busy nights and weekends fixing up the place . They both dressed nicely , and they seemed to have plenty of money to spend , but they had made no effort to get to know anyone from the neighborhood . Kowalski could find no one who had heard any strange sounds during the night . He could find no one who knew whether or not Brad Greene had any enemies or was involved in any kind of activity that might lead to a sudden violent attack . " Well , I guess it was the second time , but the first time was earlier yesterday . When I got to work yesterday morning , she was on the phone and she was crying . I tried not to pay attention , since her personal life is none of my business . No one else was at the office yet , but it wouldn 't be long before the place filled up , and then our clients would start arriving . When she hung up the phone and she was still crying , I walked over to her desk and asked if I could do anything to help . ' I don 't know , ' she said . ' I guess I do need to talk to somebody . ' " Two of our coworkers got off the elevator just then , so Jess and I went into one of the meeting rooms and shut the door . That 's when she told me that she had gone home for lunch on Friday and caught Brad in their house with another woman . The three of them had a long argument - she called it a shouting match - until Jess left . She got in her car and drove to her parents ' house in Brownsville . She spent the weekend there . When she got home Sunday night , her clothes were on the porch . Loud music was playing inside the house . When she tried to get in , she found that the locks had been changed . She tried banging on the door . She tried calling him on her cell phone . She got no answer . Eventually , she went to a motel and spent the night there . Then she came to work in the morning , but she was still trying to get hold of Brad from work . " Haven 's account matched in every detail what Ms . Greene had already said to Kowalski . She might have been telling the truth . She might have said all those things to Haven the day before . On the other hand , the two of them might have invented that story together any time in the past . If they were really clever , they could have arranged for every detail to check out as true - new locks in the doors of the house , and her car left in his driveway all night . Kowalski needed more information , and he needed to measure what kind of ties Haven might have to the accused . " Once or twice before . I hosted a Christmas party for the whole office last year , and the summer before that , I had a cook - out . No , wait … She and Brad couldn 't make it to the cook - out . But she was there for the Christmas party . " " And you must charge them a good amount for your advice , " Kowalski added , eying Haven 's nice clothing and remembering the outfit Ms . Greene was wearing . Kowalski wondered briefly what all the rich investment counselors had thought about one of their peers leaving the office escorted by two uniformed cops . Of course the officers had not told her that her husband was dead , not in front of her co - workers . That news had been given at the station . Glancing again at Haven 's nice suit , Kowalski pictured the downtown office , high in a glass and steel building , filled with counselors and clients all nicely dressed like Haven and like Ms . Greene . " We all got to like her . She 's a very likeable person . And she 's very professional . She does her job well , and she gets along well with people . Every one of the guys in the office likes visiting with her . If we can get her to smile , or to laugh - which isn 't hard to do , most days - it 's like a ray of sunshine in the office . " " And she 's quite beautiful . " Kowalski was not being sarcastic ; though she was a bit short and slender to suit his tastes , he had to admit that Jessica Greene was lovely . He had hesitated in his report , unsure which drop - box to select for her hair color : blonde or red . The computer didn 't allow him to choose a color in - between the two choices . Her eyes he had recorded as gray . He could well believe that on a better day they might sparkle charmingly . " She is beautiful , " Haven agreed , " but what makes her even more attractive is that she doesn 't act like she knows that she 's beautiful . She 's a real person . There 's nothing phony about her . She 's genuinely kind to people . She doesn 't have to fake interest in anyone , because she really is interested . " Haven didn 't flinch at the challenge . " I don 't know . Maybe six months . Maybe a year . It all happened kind of gradually . I wasn 't really thinking about it when it happened . " " Are you even interested in ladies - apart from Mrs . Greene , of course ? Or do your tastes run to men instead ? " Haven shook his head , so Kowalski continued , " Little boys ? Little girls ? Farmyard animals ? " " Listen , I know nothing of this has anything to do with the murder last night , and you don 't have to answer any more of my questions . But if I 'm going to take your word that Ms . Greene was with you all night long , and if that information is going to be given to a judge and a jury , the prosecutor is going to ask these kinds of questions too . In all your life , before you met Ms . Greene , haven 't you ever been in love ? " Haven looked down at the floor for a few seconds . " Well , OK , " he said . His voice was even , almost monotone , as he shared his intimate account with Office Kowalski . " Jane and I knew each other as kids . We lived in a small town - Victoria , Mississippi . We went to the same schools for twelve years . Our mothers were friends , so we played together outside of school . We even went to the same church , so we saw each other pretty much every day . In eighth grade we started going steady , and in high school we were voted the ' cutest couple . ' " Then she got a scholarship to Agnes Scott College , and I went to Mississippi State . We promised to be faithful , and we wrote a few letters back and forth , but mostly we waited for Christmas and for summers . The first couple of years were OK , but whenever I hinted that I intended to ask her to be my wife , she said she didn 't want to hear anything about it . The first big fight we had was the night before Christmas , our junior year . She told me that she was going to spend the summer in Georgia and not come home to Victoria . I begged her not to stay away , and I shouted at her and threatened her , and we ended up breaking up that Christmas . " After that , I dated a couple other girls I knew at Mississippi State , but it wasn 't the same . It was almost like I was being with them only to get revenge on Jane . Mostly I hung out with the guys and concentrated on my studies . " Jane was home again for Christmas , and we spent time together . It was almost like the last year hadn 't happened . The night before she went back to Georgia , I told her again that I wanted to marry her . She thought a little bit , and smiled , and said I would have to wait just a little longer . ' Melanie is getting married next year , ' she said . Melanie is Jane 's younger sister . ' Let 's wait until we 've both graduated and wait until the wedding in June , and after that we can talk about us . ' " Well , I lived the winter and spring full of hope . Graduation happened - Jane and I graduated the same day , so we couldn 't be together - and then I made plans to drive to Alabama for Melanie 's wedding . Jane 's family lived in Alabama for a long time , for generations , so all the family weddings had to be at the same country church . " I got up on a Saturday morning and drove for three hours into Alabama , and I found the church . It was a few minutes before noon . A lot of people were standing outside in the shade , including an elderly couple . I had only met them once before , but I had seen their pictures in Jane 's house plenty of times . I got out of the car and , more to make conversation than anything else , I walked over and asked them , " Is this where the Butler wedding is happening ? " " She looked at her husband , a little bit confused , and I was still convinced that she had just mixed up the names of her granddaughters . But he didn 't look at all confused . ' No , it 's Jane who 's getting married today , ' he said . ' Melanie 's wedding isn 't until the fall . ' " Well , I didn 't know what to do . I realized that Jane hadn 't promised me anything . She only said that we 'd talk after the wedding . I got back in my car and drove back to Victoria , Mississippi , and in the fall I went back to school and started working on my MBA . When I had that , I looked for a job , and I found one in Memphis . I 've been working there five years , and for all that time , I didn 't worry myself about Jane or about any other woman . Haven was still looking down at the floor . He didn 't see that Casey had come up behind him and was respectfully waiting to speak to Kowalski . " Then , two years ago , Jess joined the firm , " Haven continued . " Every day I noticed her - her walk , her smile , her laugh . I dreamed about her at night . But I couldn 't do anything , because she was already married . " Both his hands balled into fists as he repeated the last four words , pausing between them . " She was … already … married . " Casey didn 't look as if he could wait much longer . Kowalski knew that Casey wouldn 't interrupt if he didn 't have something terribly important to say . " Excuse me a minute , Tom , " he said . He and Casey walked a few steps away from the desk . Haven did not look up at them . " What is it ? " Kowalski asked . " No , " Casey answered . " It was a different woman . She just came in a few minutes ago , with her mother . She says that she was Greene 's girlfriend , that they had a big fight about midnight , and that it got out of hand . She says that he attacked her first . She has cuts and bruises that back up what she 's saying . Both women are pretty emotional . " " I 'll talk with them in a minute , " Kowalski said . " Before I do , I need to finish up here . " He returned to his desk and sat down . " Well , Tom , " he said , " it looks as though I made you tell me more than I have any right to know . It appears that Ms . Greene is not an active suspect , and we 'll be able to let her go . She will have to stay in touch with us , of course , and probably testify at the trial . But in just a few minutes , we 'll be releasing her . " Now , Tom , I usually don 't give advice , " he continued . " I 'm not any good at it , and it 's not my job . For you , though , I 'm going to make an exception . That young woman has been through hell several times over the last five days . She needs someone to look after her , someone who cares deeply about her , someone who is going to support her emotionally . " Haven looked at Officer Kowalski . His face was still expressionless , his eyes almost glazed . " Listen , " Kowalski said . " Don 't try to take things too fast . It 'll be a long time before she thinks of you as anything more than a friend . But don 't be too distant either . Be the friend that she needs . Be there for her now , and I wager that the two of you will be together for a good long time . Probably the rest of your lives . " Tom Haven stood . He reached out to shake Officer Kowalski 's hand . Kowalski stood and accepted the gesture . They looked into each other 's eyes , their hands firmly gripped . Though he didn 't like to do it , Kowalski let go first . " You wait outside , " he said gruffly . " I 'll have the papers signed and send her out the door just as quick as I can . " |
" Being back in the real world was wonderful . Hot water , electricity , switches that turned lights on and off . Flush toilets . Then back to hell on the lines . It was like putting a steak in front of a large dog and then taking it away . " [ The following memoir was submitted to the KWE by Bill Dillon . Until February 2008 , Bill owned and operated the Vets of Korea website . At that point in time , he transferred the contents of his website to the KWE , and closed down Vets of Korea . Those who wish to contact Bill can reach him by e - mail : I grew up in a tough section of South Brooklyn in the 1930s and early 1940s . Another fellow by the name of Joe O ' Conner and I never could see eye to eye about a lot of things , so we used to smack each other around so to speak . It was just one of those things where we just couldn 't get along , and we remained enemies throughout our boyhood life . Years went by and in 1951 , I was drafted into the Army and finished my basic training in Fort Dix , New Jersey . Just before I shipped out to Korea , I married the girl of my dreams . We spent our wedding night in a New York City hotel . The next morning I caught the bus back to Fort Dix , but my bride had to take the subway back to her parents ' house in the Bronx . It was very embarrassing for her to be carrying her bag down the street the day after she was married . Neighbors did not know about our situation . A week later , we took a seven - day honeymoon at the Williams Lake Resort in Rosendale , New York . My bride spent a lot of time crying . Two weeks later , I shipped out to Korea . Most books about the Korean War are written about the first two years of the war , leaving the impression that the fighting had all but ended in 1951 . I can testify that the war was far from being over in 1951 . This story is about my time in Korea and the last two years of the war , 1952 - 53 . My name is Bill Dillon . I was born on June 3 , 1930 , in Brooklyn , New York . I was named after my father , William J . Dillon Sr . I would never recommend this for anyone to do because our mail was always getting mixed up . Later when I was taking care of him in his old age , I had to move his bank account out of my bank and get a separate drug store for our prescriptions because of the mix up . My mother was Margaret Rose Dugan Dillon . Both of my parents were born in the States . My father 's mother came from Germany . I never knew his father . My mother 's mother and father were born here too , I believe , because I don 't remember any kind of an accent . They were Irish descent . I spent my childhood in a mostly Irish neighborhood in Brooklyn . My father was the main bread winner in our family . My mother ran the house and worked very hard bringing up us four kids . I had a brother who was five years younger than me and two older sisters , one three years and the other five years older than me . I don 't ever remember being close to anybody in my family . My father spent a lot of time away on his job . ( He was gone weeks at a time . ) My mother favored her girls and my brother was five years younger than I was . I don 't ever remember depending on anyone for advice . I had to figure out any problems for myself . My mother cooked everything from scratch . In those days there were no frozen foods , washing machines , dryers , oil or gas furnaces , etc . My father worked all through the Great Depression so we were considered among the lucky ones . But we knew we weren 't rich . Only one quart of milk a day for six people told us that . Bread and butter was our dessert most of the time , unless there was any extra money . Then my mother was able to bake a cake . I worked when I was in grammar school . I was 11 years old when I got my first job chopping wood , shoveling coal and ashes , and running errands for $ 1 . 00 a week . I got $ 2 a week working in a grocery store , 50 cents a day in a printing shop , $ 12 a week in another grocery store , and $ 4 a day working in a cafeteria . I collected newspapers and junk that I sold to a junk yard . I worked in a hotel restaurant for $ 24 a week , and got $ 1 . 35 per hour for shoveling dead rats out of the holds of ships ( my mother made me quit that job ) . I carried cases of beer and soda up five and six flights of stairs for $ 15 a week . By the time I was 18 , I remember having 18 jobs after school and during vacations . It made me mad when I saw the other kids going to the beach . I don 't remember a summer vacation that I didn 't have to work . I never belonged to Boy Scouts , but I was able to finish out my cousin 's year at the YMCA . He didn 't like it so he let me finish . It was a lot of fun . They had an indoor pool . Then it all ended when his membership card expired at the end of the year . I was a rowdy and misbehaved kid that was always getting into trouble . I got into fights almost every day after school . Even in Kindergarten , if the teacher left the room for a few minutes I went all through her desk drawers . I didn 't take anything - - I guess I was just curious . I really don 't know why I did a lot of the crazy things I did , but when I look back , I think I definitely needed some kind of help . Today they have that , but back then a good beating was the answer . I went to Catholic grade school where I got my share of beatings from the nuns , mostly because of behavior problems . Then if I complained to my mother when I got home , I got another beating because my mother always sided with the nuns . I guess she figured that if they beat me , then I must have deserved it , so I got another beating . My father never hit me . It was my mother who laid the law down . I got so used to getting hit that it no longer bothered me . When I was a kid in Catholic school , I sat in the last row of the classroom . I made the mistake of writing my name on the desk . Sister Bonaventure came up behind me and after seeing it , she pounced on me with both closed fists and gave me what seemed like an eternity of a beating . She stood behind me swinging as hard as she could at both sides of my face . I could feel my head rock back and forth with each punch . I think it was one of the worst beatings I ever took in my life and I was not able to defend myself . My biggest and worst fear was to give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry . Thankfully I didn 't . I met her some years later as I was coming home from work . I wanted to rip the veil from her head , but I didn 't . I wanted to lie and tell her that I didn 't write my name on my desk - - that someone else did . But I didn 't . I guess I just shook my head in disgust and passed her by . Another nun , Sister Teresa Carmel , claimed to be an ex - policewoman . She grabbed a redheaded kid named William Chapman , and rammed his head against the blackboard , knocking him unconscious . Another time Carmel , with a big sadistic grin on her face , slowly came down the aisle toward Billy Hix as he was trying to recite his lesson . She was taping a big oak stick in her hand , ready to use it on him . Billy was so scared he wet himself . Carmel made him stand in his puddle and marched all of the girls in front of him screaming what a pig and filthy slob he was . She yelled , " Look at what he did on the floor ! " He was so ashamed and embarrassed . Later he told me that he knew the lesson , but she made him so scared he couldn 't think or remember anything . I didn 't take crap from anyone . I was so used to a beating , I wasn 't afraid to fight anyone , regardless of their size . Because of my size , I got into a lot of fights , and I became very good at it . I even had my share of bouts in the ring . I guess I liked it because it gave me a chance to work my frustrations out . I even had a saying , " If you hit me , I 'm going to hit you back . I don 't care how big you are ! " Many of them were just trying to put the bull on me . I was a skinny little guy , but I was scrappy . Back in those days , there was a lot of discrimination among the Italians and Irish . As I said , I lived in a mostly Irish neighborhood . Joe O ' Conner was Irish living in an Italian neighborhood . I called him out in a fist fight almost every night . Looking back now , I realize that this was my entire fault . ( Pretty stupid , I know . ) I hung out with a tough bunch of thugs . If we couldn 't find anyone to fight , then we fought each other . I fought Joe because I thought he loved Italians . When Joe and I met in Korea and we became good friends , we were sitting around one night and he asked me , " Bill , did you ever get married ? " ( I was afraid that was going to come up some day . ) I answered , " Yes , I did . " Then Joe asked , " Who did you marry ? " I answered , " You don 't know her . She is from the Bronx . " Then he asked , " What 's her name ? " I answered , " June . " He asked , " June who ? " I answered , " June Dillon . " " No , " he asked again , " I meant her maiden name ? " I answered in a very low voice , " June Albanese . " Joe asked , " Is that Italian ? ? ? " And like a little puppy that had just had an accident on the floor , I answered , " Yes . " I thought we were going to get into it all over again like when we were kids . He called me everything because that is what we were fighting about all those years ago when we were kids . I met June in the School of Industrial Arts . She graduated , but I did not . I had only one and a half years of school , then I quit . I was smart , but belligerent . I hated school , although I liked all of the teachers but one . I was only 11 years old when World War II broke out . My mother sent me to the candy store every morning to pick up the Daily Newspaper . It was only two cents then . I saw the headlines the next day on December 8 , 1941 , reporting that the Japs had bombed Pearl Harbor . No one close to me served in the war except some distance cousins and an uncle . One of my cousins got the Purple Heart in the Battle of the Bulge . The others served in the rear echelon . I don 't remember the school doing anything for the war effort . All I remember was buying ten cent defense stamps whenever I could . When I was able to buy my first $ 18 . 75 war bond , I gave it to my mother . I had to turn all of my money in to her when I was a kid . I was too young to go into the military at that time . John Wayne was my idol . I wanted to be just like him with all those war movies . Now I can 't stand the hump . I remember the block parties we had when World War II ended . It was wonderful . The streets were lit up with people singing and dancing . The men had barrels of beer set up in their front areas , or front yards as some call it . I quit school at the age of 16 and got an office job working on export custom declarations , bills of lading , etc . I guess I was pretty smart and learned fast . It was at this office that a fellow with a very heavy Spanish accent showed me how to play chess . He wasn 't very tactful at the way he taught me . He would stand up behind the desk and say out loud for everyone to hear , " Now I weeeelll slice you to lil - dle pieceeesss weeeed my knightssss . " You can imagine how I began to feel with this jerk carrying on the way he did . He loved it when fellow workers gathered around and observed the game . After losing my first 20 or 30 games ( he had no mercy on me ) , I decided to buy a book on the strategy of chess . The next 20 or 30 games I won ! He really wasn 't that good at chess . I studied more about chess and started playing stiffer competition , mostly on our lunch hour at work . It was then that I started looking for more competitive players because my games were getting better . I found various chess clubs , most of which were in New York . My love for chess is still with me , which I will explain later in this memoir . I joined the State Guard when I was 14 years old . I lied about my age , saying that I was 17 . When they federalized it to the National Guard , I joined it . But I quit that when Korea started up in 1950 . I had a good idea of what the military was all about , and I wasn 't interested in going into the Army . But then they drafted me a year later in 1951 . Try to keep one thing in mind . I was a 17 - year old kid when I made the mistake of quitting the National Guard . What a mistake that was for me in more ways than one . That outfit went to Germany . But I believe I made up for it when I paid my dues in Korea . Leaving the States headed for Japan , everybody was seasick . I was on the verge of it but I didn 't actually get sick . I remember looking out from the doorway at the high seas . Our ship looked like a little cork in a huge mountain of water . The waves looked like they were 40 feet high . I was too stupid to be afraid . I figured the captain and his crew were professionals and they knew what they were doing . It took us 30 days to get to Japan from the States because we stopped at Puerto Rico , Columbia , South America , Panama , Hawaii , and then Japan . We were impressed with the Puerto Ricans sitting on the deck , sharpening their big knives . We said , " Boy , are we glad those guys are on our side ! Look at those big knives they have ! " We were like a bunch of gullible little kids going over . I heard our guys had to keep bailing them out once they were on the lines . I think the enemy knew when they were there because they broke through their lines quite often . Those big knives were of no help . On the dock at Pusan , Korea , the 8th Army band was waiting for us and played , " If I Knew You Were Coming , I 'd Have Baked a Cake . " After arriving in Korea , I was assigned to the 3rd Infantry Division , 15th Regiment , Mike Company . I remember waiting with a few other new men on the side of a hill outside a bunker for our orders . The sound of war and artillery was not that far away . There were two helicopters there , and they were loading both dead and wounded on them . They were those small birds that carried two stretchers outside of them on each side like those seen on the television show M * A * S * H . It was then that I wondered whose place I would take - that of one of the dead or one of the wounded . This is when I realized that this was the first time in my life that I wouldn 't be able to quit . As a kid I quit everything , including school , hobbies , games , and one job after the other if I didn 't like them . Imagine me going up to my commanding officer and saying , " I quit ! " He would have had my butt thrown in the stockade or even shot for desertion seeing we were at war . I remember leaving that location on a Jeep or truck - I forget which , then going on up to the lines . I was assigned to an 81mm mortar company . The tanks were behind us and we were being used as artillery . Lieutenant Drake was in charge , and he told me to report to Corporal O ' Conner 's bunker . It never even dawned on me that I might know the guy . We were dumbfounded to find ourselves facing each other - old arch enemies from Brooklyn , Joe O ' Conner and Bill Dillon , standing face to face in a small bunker on the side of a hill 10 , 000 miles from the good old USA . I remember Joe saying , " Well , Bill . For a change we will be fighting on the same side . " After a while we became very good friends , and since we were wearing the same uniform , we ate and slept in the same bunker and fought a war together , spending many weeks and having narrow escapes together . I remember saying to Joe quite a few times , " Joe , I don 't think I 'm going to make it . " I just had a funny feeling that I was never going to see my bride again . But Joe always reassured me by saying , " Not me ! I 'm going home ! " But as it was , it didn 't turn out that way . On the last day of Joe 's life , we were hit by a very heavy artillery barrage . It was one of those bad days . Joe was Forward Observer for our mortars . We took turns doing that job . Pfc . Rutledge had just came down from the outpost - Little Nori , as it was called . Our Fire Direction Control , where our mortars were located , couldn 't get through to the outpost Joe was on . It was 500 yards in front of the MLR ( front lines ) , and the enemy had cut the phone lines with their artillery fire . I was told to take two men and trace and repair the lines from the FDC up to the outpost where Joe was . On our way up there , we were under constant artillery and mortar fire from the enemy . We knew we were under gook surveillance by one of their FO 's , but we just couldn 't locate and kill the bastard . We found and repaired eight breaks in the wire . At this time we had no way of knowing if we had fixed all of the breaks , so we continued on our way up to the outpost still under heavy enemy fire . Our only casualty so far was one guy who sprained an ankle diving into a shell hole . When we finally got to the outpost where Joe was , they were taking on a tremendous pounding from enemy artillery fire , as well as from a 76mm gun mounted on top of a Russian - built tank . The shelling was so intense that the bunker they were in started caving in on them . They did their best to stay under the protective cover , but to no avail . The South Korean with them got hit and the 2nd Lieutenant FO for the artillery was helping him out . The radio man , PFC Wright , was next man out and Joe was the last . Just then another round came in , exploding and killing Joe instantly . It took me a long time to get over Joe 's death . Perhaps I never did . He was only 18 and I was 22 . I saw a lot of death and wounded , but Joe 's always stayed with me the most . This was nothing like the Korea that was portrayed on the M * A * S * H television show . I never saw anyone with a still or guys running around in dresses . Instead , I remember the hideous , graphic details of war - - such as the condition of the bodies of our men when we found them . The enemy had tortured and mutilated their bodies before they killed them . Their favorite torture was to wire the hands of American soldiers behind their backs , remove their privates , then stuff them down their throats to silence their screams . John Wayne never showed this part of war . In fact , John Wayne never made a movie about the Korean War . A lot of Korean War veterans I know don 't have too much love for him because of it . He could have helped make our war as popular as World War II instead of the Forgotten War it is . At the time , I thought maybe he was too old , but he managed to come back , make one about the Green Berets twenty years later , and retire with $ 800 million bucks in his pocket . Not only did the foot soldier in Korea have to contend with the combat part of it , but also the personal hygiene . I went three months without a shower and with no change of clothing , including underwear . When we were finally trucked back to the rear for a shower , everybody stripped to their underwear . We were all yellow in front and brown in back . Being back in the real world was wonderful . Hot water , electricity , switches that turned lights on and off . Flush toilets . Then back to hell on the lines . It was like putting a steak in front of a large dog and then taking it away . I wonder how today 's army with females would make out with this problem ? Same way we did , I guess . For the longest time after I returned to the States , I took four showers a day . I just couldn 't get used to the idea that my body was clean . Thankfully I am back down to only one shower a day now . After months of being in trenches and foxholes similar to World War I , we moved into another position that another outfit had just moved out of . This sector was a real mud hole . The first night we were there , we blew the candle out when it was time to sack out . Then out of the darkness came the rats . The loud squealing they made caused me to think I was in the middle of an Alfred Hitchcock horror movie . I tried to think of myself as a pretty gutsy guy , but I was scared shitless of those hairy - tailed monsters . I could feel those big hairy rodents rubbing against my back as they scurried back and forth , and it gave me chills to no end . I was in the bunker on a top bunk made out of a couple of boards . I hung my head face down over the edge so the rats couldn 't get at my face . I sometimes slept with my mouth open , and to a rat this was just another hole . One time I woke up choking on one of those damned things . Another time , a guy woke up screaming when a rat ate a hole through his sleeping bag . It took six of us to hold him down and get him out of his sack . Amazingly enough , the rat never bit him . The rat was pounded to death with fists and pistol butts . It made one hell of a mess in his sleeping bag . We weren 't allowed to poison the rats because they carried mites . If the rats died , the mites could possibly leave the rats ' bodies and climb on us . If the mites should happen to bite a human , then we could have gotten hemorrhagic fever - - a very fatal disease . There was a good chance that we would have died from it . So instead , we just sat in our bunkers at night with no candle light on . Then some of us would suddenly turn our flashlights on while the rest of us shot the rats . Then we burned the rats ' bodies , which also killed the mites . I wrote home and told my wife about the rats in our bunker . ( That 's about all - - I told her nothing about the other stuff because I didn 't want her to worry . ) One day at mail call I got a package in the mail . As usual , everybody gathered around me waiting to get a piece of whatever was in the package . We always shared everything . Everyone was all excited because they were expecting a piece of candy , cake , etc . It took me a while to get through the wrapping , adding to the excitement and anticipation of the unveiling . Finally after I got the precious commodity unwrapped , it turned out to be two cans of rat poison ! Of course , we were all disappointed and the guys really gave it to me . " His wife sent him rat poison ! ! " I really got pretty mad and carried on like a little kid about it . One of the men in my squad got me on the side and gave me a good piece of his mind . He said , " You know , Dillon , your wife thought she was doing you a big favor by sending you that package to help you get rid of the rats . And you have the nerve to carry on the way you are . " He gave it to me good and I took it because I knew he was right . ( By the way , he was a school teacher in civilian life . ) Of course , I was like a little dog with his tail between his legs by the time he got finished with me . If I met him today I would thank him for talking some sense into me . I wrote home and thanked my beautiful bride . One day we thought that it was going to be a quiet day with no incoming mail ( artillery and mortars ) . Instead , something really big came in . It had a fuse delay . It dug itself deep into the ground before it blew . When it exploded , it seemed like it took half of Korea hundreds of feet into the air . Rocks and boulders of all sizes flew sky high . I remember when they came down all around me with the sound of the large boulders pounding hard into the ground . I can still hear those heavy thud sounds the boulders made just inches from where I went into a fetus position . God was with me at that moment - - I know he was . The round upset a rat 's nest , causing them to scoot in panic in every different direction . Although the shelling continued , men turned their weapons , rifles , pistols , grenades on the rats that had terrorized them at night . They were more intent on killing rats than they were for their own safety . All we could think of was that those terrorizing creatures of the night that made our very existence so miserable were finally getting a dose of their own medicine . The bunker that we were in was built of logs and dirt dug into the side of a hill . When the heavy monsoon rains came , it became one big mudslide and began to slump and cave in on us . We had to dismantle it and start rebuilding all over again , keeping a sharp ear open for incoming rounds of artillery and snipers . We didn 't worry about the ones that had a whistle . It was the ones with the loud " swoosh ! " - - or worse , the ones we didn 't hear at all . Snipers came without warning ! While we were rebuilding the bunker , a huge ten - foot snake came slithering out from between some logs . Apparently it had been living with us for more than two weeks and we never knew it was there . It had two large bulges in its body . They were rats that it had swallowed whole . The rats in Korea were as big as cats . A new man was assigned to our bunker . We all thought he was just blowing off some steam when he kept saying he wanted to win some medals . His first time out with us on a company - sized raid , we found ourselves greatly outnumbered and losing many men . The order was to pick up the wounded and fall back . My friend got hit . Another man was carrying him when a North Korean climbed out of a hole and started aiming his burp gun at them . I was so thankful I didn 't panic and miss . I was able to nail the bastard before he was able to fire his weapon . Only one guy charged forward . It was the new guy . He got his medals all right . He got the Distinguished Service Cross and the Purple Heart on his pine box , and then he got shipped home . It was the first and only time I have ever seen a real hero . The rest of us were just trying to stay alive . On the subject of sanitary conditions , we made a homemade toilet from a wooden box , cut a hole in it by tracing a steel helmet , then cutting it out , then placing it over a freshly dug hole . After one of our guys caught a bullet from a sniper , we quickly abandoned that idea . Besides , it was a favorite target of the enemy . Their FO 's and snipers liked to zero in on catching a guy with his pants down . Then we just looked for a place away from the bunker and , like a cat , dug a hole and covered it . The gooks did all kinds of weird things on the lines . They called out to one another at night imitating chickens and roosters , as if the Americans were gullible enough to think there were chickens up there . They also came up to the barbed wire carrying lanterns , trying to attract fire . We obliged a few of them and shot the bastards . What a mistake that was . All hell broke loose . They sent a barrage of mortar fire our way . Next time remember the golden rule : Use a grenade at night . It leaves no flashes for them to see . Every time the line companies went out on patrol , we moved up a 100 yards or so to replace them while they were out of their trenches . This was before I became gunner or assistant gunner ( who remained with the mortar in case the line troops needed fire power from us ) . The only ones that remained behind were the gunners and their assistant gunners . I remember getting into the line company 's trenches just before dusk . The reason for that was to give us enough time to study the terrain before it got dark . It was scary at times , especially if we didn 't have a buddy with us watching our back . Not having a buddy to watch over us made it extra dangerous , because now we had unnecessary movement of our head to check what was in front , at the sides , and behind us . I almost shot my sergeant once when he was ducking down coming out of the shadows of the trenches . I removed my steel helmet and just wore a soft cap so I could hear better . We had to memorize every rock , bush and hole , and know exactly how everything should look once darkness set in . If a bush or a rock was not in the same position , then it was time to start throwing grenades because it was the enemy trying their very best to send us home in a body bag . Our motto was , " Whatever I can 't see , can 't see me . " There was no such thing back then as night - seeing devices . When I think back , we must have been in incredible physical condition , because all I weighed was 125 pounds . We had to carry our mortars on our backs better than five miles over treacherous mountains . I carried a 45 - pouind base plate , plus other gear . The gunner carried the barrel and the assistant gunner carried the bipod . The rest of the squad carried the ammo . We carried this in weather of 100 degrees or more . Our water ran out and our thirst was almost unbearable . Once in a while we went back to the rear , kicked in a door or two , and stole some rations . I remember stealing a case of chicken noodle soup and a roll of tar paper to help keep the water from leaking into our bunkers . The MPs gave chase whenever they saw us , and we raced like hell to get up to Camouflage Hill - - a hill with a large camouflage curtain and a big sign that read : " From this point on you are under enemy observation . " That camouflaged area with its big warning sign was very intimidating to anyone that wasn 't familiar with the area . The MPs stopped there and didn 't dare go any further because they knew they were on our turf now . I have to admit that we did taunt them a little by calling out to them , " You chicken - shit bastards come on over to our territory . " I think we got to a point of no fear after a while . I have to admit it felt good being able to hold all of the cards for a change . Another time we went back to Seoul because the only uniform I had to my name was the one I was wearing , including underwear . It was torn , filthy , and it stunk . I went to the black market where they were selling American - made uniforms . I paid $ 20 for a green fatigue shirt and pants . I thought of where I had just come from - - good men fighting for their very lives and some of these S . O . B . 's in the rear that called themselves soldiers were lining their pockets selling uniforms that were supposed to be delivered to front line troops . I was packing my . 45 and came very close to using it on a few of them that day . I remember one very funny story . When we were back in a blocking position a couple of hundred yards behind the mortar positions , we had a brand new black captain who had just shipped over from the States . Integration was just starting in the military . He was a little guy , so he stood up on the hood of a Jeep to gave us one of his famous pep talks . " All right men . I don 't want you to shoot until you see the whites of their eyes . " ( I think he had watched too many of those John Wayne war movies . ) Just then , a couple of enemy artillery rounds came in . The only one who took a dive off and then flew under the Jeep was the captain . The rest of us never moved because we knew that the incoming rounds that had a whistle were at least 500 yards away . Everyone knew that but our fearless leader . His nice , brand - new clean uniform got all messed up with mud . But the part that really got us was he just got up , brushed himself off , climbed back up on the Jeep , and continued with his bullshit sermon with no sign of embarrassment . Everyone called him Mickey Mouse after that . I felt sorry for the couple of good black men who were there . They were embarrassed for him , as they were excellent combat men . After spending six months dodging bullets and shrapnel on the lines with the 3rd Infantry Division , they transferred a few of us to the 1st Cavalry Division , 5th Regiment , Mike Company in Japan . I felt like I had died and gone to Heaven ! Nice clean , dry , heated barracks . Clean white sheets on soft mattresses . Clean blankets on real cots . Electricity with lights . Great hot food . Hot showers . And , best of all , out of harm 's way and no longer a target for the enemy . Unfortunately , it didn 't last long . We were in Japan for only 30 days when President Truman had a falling out with the South Korean President Syngman Rhee . Rhee freed 40 , 000 North Korean prisoners on Ko - je Island . We were ordered to return to Korea to round them all up and put them back into their compounds . That was when they realized that we were not playing games and they fell in line . They were the worst of the POWs because they wanted to go back to communism . The ones in Pusan weren 't in any hurry to go back to it . Another outfit that was there before us already did most of the rounding up of prisoners for us . We formed skirmish lines and combed the mountains . There was a real big guy that came running down from the hills and said there were three North Koreans with a weapon on the other side of the hill . He was scared as all hell , and he was shaking and sweating . I didn 't say anything . I was pretty quiet back in those days . I just took my carbine from my shoulder , cocked it , went over the hill , and took care of things . I couldn 't stand the thought of the gooks thinking we were afraid of them . I was always a skinny little gibe , and this was my big chance to prove to everybody that I was just as big as they were . I killed the first guy holding the weapon . When the second guy tried to pick the weapon up , I pumped a few into him . When the third guy didn 't move , I did him too because I knew that if I gave him the chance , he would do me in . Guys that hesitate don 't make it home . How did I feel after that ? Better them than me . I think the only time we felt bad about doing something like that was when we came across some 10 and 12 - year olds who would not stop firing their weapons at us . We had to kill them . It took me a long time after that to think of kids as being just children , including my own kids after I got home . After we finished that job , instead of going back to Japan , we were ordered to remain in Korea - a big disappointment for all of us . We spent some time back up on the lines , and then we spent the remainder of our time in Korea in Pusan . I was finally able to leave when I had enough points . If I remember correctly , we needed 36 points to go home . On the day it was time for me to leave my unit , a truck picked me up to take me to the rear . I don 't know where I was on the first stop back , but I remember sitting in a tent and running into a guy I knew from basic training . He had done his time in Korea back in the rear . I must have made some impression on him . I couldn 't talk . I guess I had my mind set on dying over there , and I just didn 't believe that I was now going home . I was scared that another barrage was going to get me before I could get out of there . I remember that when we came down off the lines , we were just standing around in formation watching this other band of brothers coming down from the lines too . One of our guys called out to the other guys , " Did you fellows see any action up at the front lines ? " They answered back with a deep mar - chow hot - chow voice , " Yeah ! And it was rough ! " Our guy kept calling out , " Oh , that 's terrible ! " And he kept it up . It was very funny at the time because our guy had a great sense of humor which kept us laughing when we needed it the most . As part of the standard procedure to process out , we had to line up in front of these rear echelon bastards standing behind a long counter , strip to the bone , and surrender all of our weapons . We were all very bitter with these sons of bitches who had it so good in the rear . There was a lot of yelling from our guys . Even the officers didn 't dare mess with us . I was not happy when they took my weapons away . I guess I felt kind of weak without them because they had been my protectors all the time I was in Korea . I felt like I had just lost my best friends . I felt empty and naked without them . I get pissed every time I think back to that particular time . I had a beautiful personal boot knife that one of those bastards took home with him . I left Korea in July or August of 1953 , holding the rank of Corporal . I went home on a ship , but I can 't remember the name or how long the trip took . It was maybe two weeks . We had absolutely no duty on the ship . They left us alone . I remember that one guy still had a burp gun bullet in his arm and it looked like it was all infected . We were surprised that he didn 't have that taken care of sooner . He wasn 't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree , you might say . There were a lot of guys on the ship that I didn 't know , but one guy that I did know . For some reason I was his idol . He said he liked me because I looked like I didn 't have a worry in the world . He worried about everything . The order came down for all enlisted men to tuck their shirts in their pants . I did just the opposite . I purposely left my shirt out . I don 't know what kind of a belligerent look I must have had on my face , but none of the officers said anything to me . I guess I was one wise - ass , but I just didn 't care about anything or anybody . I just wanted to go home . I remember back when we left the States heading for Japan when we first went over to Korea , there were some tough looking Marine MP 's patrolling the decks and giving all of us scared green troops a hard time . Going home there was a big different because we weren 't scared green kids anymore . Maybe that 's the reason they didn 't have those Marine MPs on the return trip . I believe our guys would have thrown them overboard . We left Inchon , Korea , first stopping in Japan and then sailing on to the States . This is where a lot of tempers flew from our guys . Nobody cared . I guess we were all thinking , " What else can they do to us ? " We watched a movie at night . Seeing mainland USA was an emotional time for me . I started to shake all over again . I must have been scared , because why would I shake like that ? I never knew the answer to that , but I felt better after I heard a couple of other guys say they had experienced the same thing . We disembarked at Seattle , Washington , where there were long lines for everything . I was so excited about being back in the States that I didn 't pay any attention to what we were supposed to do after we got home . I seem to recall that we were supposed to mail a post card or something , but I still don 't remember that clearly . I know that some clown - - a master sergeant from an armory National Guard , wanted me to report to his stupid little outfit down in New York City . I was living in the Bronx at the time . After much chatter back and forth , he asked me , " Don 't you want to do something for your country ? " I told that asshole to look at my records , then call me back and say that to me again . I never heard from the creep after that . After processing in , I believe we got on a train . I am not sure , because I think I was just plain numb and I was a complete blank until we got to New Brunswick , New Jersey . Funny , but I just don 't remember if we were held over in Brunswick or if they just let us go home . I was discharged in September of 1953 and did not even consider re - enlisting . ( I was prepared to go to jail before I would let anyone take me back into the military again ) . I remember being in a total daydream for months after being home . Then one day as I was walking up the stairs to my apartment , the most wonderful feeling came over me . My mind suddenly cleared for a few moments . I was able to think with a clear head for a few seconds . It was a wonderful feeling . Then I went right back into my daydream again . I had to be very careful after I got home from Korea because I had a bad temper if somebody pushed my button the wrong way . Once coming home from work late at night in Harlem , a black guy stepped out in front of my car trying to flag me down . Then I noticed a few more of them standing in a doorway waiting for me to stop . Instead of stopping , I floored it and tried to nail the bastard . I even turned the car around and went up on the sidewalk . ( The car I was driving was an old 1949 Lincoln . It was like a tank . ) I was trying to kill the lot of them . They dove all over the place . If I had had a gun , I would have killed the lot of them . I guess I was one not to be toyed with after coming back from where I had been for the past eighteen months . I remember being very quiet , especially around my wife and females . I wasn 't used to seeing members of the opposite sex again . My wife was annoyed with me because I was able to speak to men okay , but not to women . I became an introvert and kept to myself . My wife was afraid to sleep with me because of all the screaming I did in my sleep . Then it was back to being very quiet again when I was awake . We lived in an apartment with no air conditioning . Our windows were wide open . Years later , my wife told me that she had to explain to the neighbors about my screaming in my sleep because they were ready to call the police . I didn 't remember a thing when I woke up . I believe that may have been the combat part of it , because the nightmares I had about choking on a rat started later . For years my wife was petrified every time I woke up screaming , choking and gagging , and trying to dislodge the rat in my nightmares from my throat . I gave her my Purple Heart because she deserved it more than I did . She was as much a part of this as I was because I put her through a living hell at night . A combat veteran and his family are married to his experiences for life . There is never a day that goes by that most of us don 't think about them . Back in Korea , guys thought I had nerves of steel . But once I was back in the States and home safe in my bed , I turned into a chickened little coward . To this day I still can 't explain it . My wife , God bless her soul , begged me to go for help . But I was too embarrassed to go to a shrink . I would much rather go to a doctor with a broken arm then let people think I was a nut . I realize now that it was a pretty stupid way of thinking . Before I went into the service , I never drank . But after I got home , I damn near became an alcoholic and it nearly cost me my marriage . I lost all ambition because I thought I was going to die young . I took a course on TV repair , but after I heard the TV tube could be explosive , I shied away . I even went to school for air - conditioning , but the high side of it also made me shy away from it . Incidentally , I paid for my own schooling . I was so bitter after I got home , I didn 't want anything from the Federal Government - - which I realize now was a mistake . I never talked about my tour of duty in Korea . I couldn 't even say the word Korea . I always referred to it as the Far East . But now in my twilight years , I am shooting off my big mouth and writing this memoir . Once in a while I still dream about it . Many times I woke my wife . At least the nightmares have now stopped . I remember that every Fourth of July was a living nightmare for me with the fireworks shooting off . And when I walked down a street , I always stayed close to the buildings . I dreaded coming to a wide open intersection . I would run across the street still thinking a barrage of fire would catch me out in the open . I waited close to a building for the light to change . My wife begged me to go for help at the time . Only now do I realize how right she was . In my mind I was okay and thought that in time it would pass , but it didn 't for many years to come after I got home . By then I was too embarrassed to go for help . Thinking back now , I ask myself , " Was I a coward ? " I don 't remember being a coward in Korea . I used to watch the M * A * S * H television show until someone asked me if I had my own still when I was in Korea . I think if I met Radar with his little Teddy Bear and that obnoxious Klinger wearing that freaking dress , no telling what I would have done since I was a different person at that time than I am now . The war - time Korea portrayed in the M * A * S * H was nothing like the real war - time Korea . The weather was cold like I had never seen , with no place to go to warm up but the trenches and rice paddies . Even the bunkers were cold . We never had the right clothing for that kind of weather . The summers were over 100 degrees in the shade , if we could find any . There were no shade trees anywhere near the front lines . They were all shot off due to the artillery fire . The Combat Infantryman 's Badge is awarded to infantry soldiers after spending 30 consecutive days in a combat area . Thirty years later , I wore my CIB at different veterans ' dances and functions . Some non - combat veterans often said they would give anything to be able to say that they had that award . I remember saying to one guy , " I would gladly give it to you , but you would have to take the memories that go with it . " I would give anything not to have had the experience of being in combat in Korea . I sincerely wish I could be telling you about the good times I had in Germany instead . A lot of good men died in Korea , and my generation was too quick to sweep it under the carpet . I hope that our kids will help get it into the history books so that those men did not die in vain . Some years after I was home from Korea , I was standing outside a store waiting for my wife while she was shopping inside . I noticed an Oriental fellow standing by his van smoking a cigarette . On the side of his van was painted , " South Korean Baptist Church . " Just as an excuse to strike up a conversation , I walked over to him and said , " I was in your country a very long time ago . " He asked me if it was during the war and I said yes . I told him that I had served in the infantry during the fighting . Without saying another word , he went over to his van , opened the door , and said something to someone inside . I couldn 't see who was inside the van because it had those sun screens on the windows . That is when seven or eight Koreans came out of the van . You can well imagine how nervous I became . I didn 't know what was going to happen next . I thought I was in for a beating or something . To my surprise , they lined up in a single file , came up to me , shook my hand , and said , " Thank you for our freedom . " I was so overwhelmed and surprised I started to get a little teary - eyes . I thought then that my own countrymen had never said or done anything like that to thank me . I did not receive my Purple Heart until 50 years after the war was over . The year was 2000 and I was at the VA hospital in Lebanon , Pennsylvania . I was getting a physical when I asked the nurse if I could get a pair of hearing aids . The original ones that I bought with my own money were getting old . At that time , an injury had to be service - related for the government to pay for it . I told her that my hearing loss was service - related , and showed her the paperwork that I received from the MASH doctor in Korea . I told her what happened - - how I got knocked on my ass by a barrage of artillery fire , and that when I got to my feet , my ears were ringing and bleeding . I couldn 't hear a thing for a while . My hearing returned , but I had a loud ringing in my head . I thought that it would pass in time , but it didn 't . The ringing got worse . It got so that it was louder than I could hear people speak . I lived with this problem for almost six months before I finally went to the MASH doctor . He said it would pass with time . He was right . It finally stopped ringing , but my hearing was not what it used to be . The nurse at the VA hospital looked at the paper from the MASH unit and gave me the address of the Military Corrections board . I sent them the paper and after many months of investigation , they corrected my records . I got my free hearing aids and they sent me a Purple Heart . I was going to send the medal back , but my brother - in - law ( a former Marine ) and my foxhole buddy Don Booth talked me into keeping it . I guess I was pissed off because it took 50 years for someone to realize the mistake . Incidentally , Don Booth was one of the bravest men I ever had the honor of serving with in Korea . He should have gotten a Purple Heart too , but when things started to happen , half the time we couldn 't find an officer around to witness a wound . Doc , the medic who treated Don , failed to record his injury in his little book . When the lead was flying and explosions were going off all around us , who had the time to think of those things ? Don now lives in Akron , Ohio . I still keep in touch with him . I also keep in touch with my foxhole buddy Ed MacDonald from Rhode Island . He was awarded the Bronze Star for heroism in Korea . I lived on Long Island most of my life , worked as a fire safety inspector in nuclear power plant , then retired in Lancaster , PA . My wife June , to whom this memoir is dedicated , gave birth to four children : Michael , Deborah , Patricia , and Thomas . Michael died at birth . My beautiful bride of 53 years died in January 2005 . I only wish that I could have gone with her . Back when I was age 17 , I couldn 't hit or catch a ball to save myself , so I got involved with chess . After I retired and we moved to Lancaster in 1994 , I decided to teach kids chess in six libraries and three schools on a volunteer basis . I played at various chess tournaments and several chess clubs with a rating of 1800 ( considered pretty good ) . My whole thought was to try and help kids from getting into trouble as I did when I was their age . It went over pretty good and there were feature stories about me teaching the kids in several newspapers . I have now taught more than 700 children in our local schools and libraries how to play chess . It began when I went to our local library ( it was a very small library upstairs over the firehouse ) and met Kim , a young lady volunteer . I was surprised to hear her say that they did not have any books on chess . She told me how her six - year old daughter wanted to learn how to play the game , but neither Kim nor her husband knew how to play chess . I said , " Let 's make a deal ! You order a couple of chess books , then bring your daughter in with three other kids and I 'll teach them how to play the game . " I was surprised when she called a week later and told me that she had the four kids and eight more on a waiting list . And that 's how it all got started . People came in to see what I was doing and the waiting list started to get longer . They gave me a large room , a little at a time I acquired 13 chess sets , and eventually I was teaching 26 kids at a time . Word got around and five other libraries requested my services , including a sports arena . I only did one month with them because the room they gave me was out of public view and I couldn 't get a female to be present ( I 'm no fool ) . The U . S . Chess Federation got wind of what I was doing and sent me extra chess sets , along with chess rulers , key chains , pencils , etc . , with their logo on it . I gave them out as prizes . I also bought gold medals with my own money and made up special chess certificates . A class was two hours a week for one month . At the end of each session , I asked the library director , as well as the parents , to come to a presentation . I showed the movie , " Searching for Bobby Fisher , " and asked the library director to present each child with a chess certificate that I had made with my computer . Two kids received gold medals and became my assistant chess instructors at the next chess session . I did not look for the smartest kids - - I looked for enthusiasm in a kid . The smart ones are always the center of attention . Give me the kid that tries . I asked the library directors to have cookies , cake , punch , soda , etc . for the presentation night . It was very rewardingI quit competitive chess at the clubs so I could devote more time to the kids . I made a large chess demonstration board that I brought with me . I had more fun teaching kids chess than I ever did at chess tournaments . I had one brother and sister come back four times to my sessions because they had so much fun . A police detective called me and asked if he could help me . He read about me in one of the newspapers . I immediately jumped at the opportunity and told him , " Yes ! " I told him that I am not a chess club . I just teach the basics to kids just to get them started in chess and hopefully to keep them out of trouble . I explained that when I finished the 26 kids I was teaching at the time , I had to leave and head on up to the next library where 26 more kids were waiting for me . He did a great job and ended up with 80 kids in his chess club . They were even bussing kids in from another town . I sent him my graduates and he sent me the kids who wanted to learn the game . I was able to get the parents in different libraries to start chess clubs in their libraries . Even today I hear kids yelling out to me , " Mr . Bill ! Do you remember me ? " I tell my kids , " I am not here to teach you anything . I am here to show you how to have a lot of fun . I don 't believe in the heavy stuff like advanced chess . I will teach the algebraic notation . " I tell them that that term scares me too , but all it is is simple chess jive - - how to read and write chess so they can go to the library and look at books and magazines on the subject , or play other kids on the computer who might even be in another country . I try to show children that chess is more than just a game . It teaches them to be honest by not touching the pieces if their chess friend has to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water . It also teaches them to have courage and not get cold feet if their opponent is a grown - up or if they are smarter than they are or if they dress better than they do . I tell them , " Just don 't let anybody scare you once you get them on the other side of the chess board . " Later in their games I encourage them not to touch a piece until they are ready to move it . It teaches them to think before they move . I also encourage them by telling them that if they can 't become a sports jock ( as I couldn 't ) , then they can become a chess jock . I talk to kids at their level , not mine . At one of the libraries , some mothers volunteered to help me with the kids . One mother must have thought that she was a teacher or something , because she walked up and down the aisles with her hands on her hips , observing the kids like she was a truant officer . I could see that she was making the kids nervous , so I got her on the side and asked her to please take care of the cookies , soda , etc . Personally , I have found that when I sit down and play chess with someone , they can spill their whole personality across that chess board before me . I love to get the wise guys that try to act so smart when they first sit down with their hot - cho - macho ways , trying to imitate me . I guess I don 't sound as smart as they do , but then I get a kick out of watching them squirm in their seats after a few moves . It 's a mind game . I 've beWhile involved with teaching chess to kids , I also started writing this memoir in 2003 . One of the strangest things happened to me after I finished it and allowed my family and friends to read it . My nightmares stopped ! I know it sounds crazy , but it 's true . I guess I was like a little kid confessing his sins to a priest . I am not a hero . Our mothers , sisters and wives are heroes . They risk their lives giving birth to babies . What courage that must take ! Anyone can pull a trigger and take a life , but we guys can 't give life as women do . They are the ones who deserve the medals , not us . This country is caught up with medals and heroes . I am a survivor , not a hero . Charlie died a few months ago . He was on a cruiser during WW2 . They were attacked by 12 Japanese suicide planes . They were able to shoot down 6 of them but the other 6 hit the ship . Charlie was burned more then half of his body . What he thought was water turned out to be diesel fuel . Charlie was running when he slid in the oil then it ignited . He had many skin grafts and his face and hands are still scared . He still has no eye brows or lashes nor hair . I have a newspaper picture and story of the ship returning from the battle . 40 or 50 men were killed the ship looked like an air craft carrier the whole top was flat . Back to " Memoirs " Index page back to top | Contact | What 's New | About Us | Korean War Topics | Support | |
At 23 , Allen was doing all right for himself . He had just found himself a girlfriend and had landed a job that allowed him to make ends meet , and then some . His best friend , Dan , was his roommate . Dan was just a year younger than Allen , but they had been best friends since preschool . When they graduated high school , they had a plan . They would both attend the same college and live off campus in a small apartment while both of them worked to pay the rent . It was hard for a while , but they managed . Allen had already gotten his degree , but Dan had a way to go yet . To tell the truth , Dan was a bit jealous of Allen who would sit in the apartment at night with his girlfriend , Alice , while Dan had to study and write long papers . Dan could remember back when he and Allen were just kids and would hang out all day together and play with their GI Joes or video games . He felt sorry for Allen , though . After all , Allen never really knew his father . The last memory Allen had of his father was when he left the house for the last time . Allen was about 5 years old , but he never forgot that day . That morning , his father had left and kissed Allen 's forehead and his mom as he had always done . Then that afternoon , his mom got a call saying that her husband had been killed in a lab accident . His father was a brilliant scientist and was always inventing something . Sometimes he would even invent new toys for Allen to play with . His mother never remarried , and the life insurance money was enough to last them well into the future . Young Allen was sad that his father would never be coming home again , but his mind was not really ready to handle such a predicament . Dan was allowed to come over and play often , which helped Allen to cope with his loss better . He and Dan would always make up stories about how his dad was really a secret agent and that he just couldn 't come home because the enemy spies would come get them . They often dreamed of being GI Joes and helping his dad out on a few of his missions . Dan and Allen still talked about his dad every now and then , but Allen would change the subject . He knew the truth now , and didn 't want to pretend anymore . Soon , Dan didn 't see much of Allen at all . He was either at work or out with his girlfriend . Whenever he would get home , he would just say , " Hey Dan ! Boy what a night ! I can barely keep my eyes open I 'm so tired . I 'm going straight to bed . " and Dan would just nod and continue his work on his computer or watch TV . Dan had been taking many computer courses at the college trying to get his degree in computer science . Allen had taken a few of the same , but settled for a smaller degree in quicker time so that he could work at the new insurance company in town . He had been lucky to catch that job . They needed someone to manage databases and do general tech support . Both Dan and Allen had applied , but Allen was the one who got hired . This made Dan more jealous , but he didn 't want to say anything . He thought he should be happy f " Allen I 'm afraid I have some bad news for you . You had better prepare yourself . " said the voice on the phone . Allen sat down and prepared himself for the worst . " Allen , I 'm afraid your mother has passed away . I 'm sorry . " Allen was devastated and unable to say anything . A tear rolled down his cheek when he finally managed , " How did it happen ? " Dan could see the pain on Allen 's face as he listened . " She had a heart attack while working in the yard . A neighbor saw and called the hospital , but it was too late . By the time they got her here , she had passed on . " Allen just fell silent . He couldn 't believe it . He knew it would happen one day , but he had no idea it would be today . " Listen Allen , I know how you must be feeling , but she left everything to you in her will . You need to come down here so we can get everything finalized . I 'm very sorry Allen . " Allen managed to talk out the details with the lawyer on the phone . After the funeral , there was no consoling him for a while . He stayed him from work a few days and mainly stayed in bed . Whenever Dan would see him , he would have tears in his eyes . He really missed her . Alice would come by a few times and enter his bedroom . They would stay back there for a long time in silence . A day or two later , Dan finally had a long talk with Allen and the discussion ended with talk of a vacation . Spring break was coming up and Allen had already scheduled the time off , so they agreed that the best way to make Allen feel better was to stay in his old house for a few days . He had to go there to clean it out anyway if he was going to sell it . He didn 't want to sell it , but he couldn 't afford to keep it up and live in his apartment too . Alice couldn 't get time off immediately , so she said she would come and help when she could . Allen and Dan packed up a few things and made their way to Allen 's childhood home . Allen hadn 't been there in three years , but it was all too familiar . The instant he entered the house , the familiar scents and sights brought back old memories . " Hey , let 's go chec " Yeah , as I remember , I used to whomp you in Street Fighter . " Dan smiled back when he realized that Allen had begun to open up a bit . " Aren 't those games still here somewhere ? Why don 't we find them and see who can beat who now . " Dan winked . Allen knew his old toys and games were packed away in the basement . He agreed and they ventured down stairs . There were tons of boxes down there . It was just a good thing that his mom had labeled them . " Let 's see . . . we 've got clothes , pictures , clothes , knick knacks , clothes , baby toys , ahh . . here it is . Games . " Allen said as he opened the box . " Looks like they 're all here . Let 's get to gaming . " " Your mom never threw anything away did she ? I mean , look at all the clothes . You 've got stuff down here from since you were born . My mom never kept any of that stuff . It got passed around the family or sent to Good Will . " said Dan . " Yeah , she insisted that we ' hang on to our memories ' rather than let them go . In a way , I 'm glad she did keep all that stuff . Going through it used to help me feel better . " Allen explained as he hooked up the game . They both sat down and played various two - player games such as Street Fighter , Mortal Kombat , and Mario . Allen was out of practice , but Dan had been playing computer games for so long , he was able to beat Allen this time . " Haha ! I beat you ! You 're not even trying man . " Dan gloated over his victory , as he had done in days long past the very few times he had managed to beat Allen . " Heh , those games are for little kids anyway . Still , they are kind of fun . " Allen 's memories were flooding back . " Remember our GI Joes ? " Dan could hardly believe Allen said that . " Do I ? ! Let 's go get them ! " They ran excitedly back into the basement and sorted through the boxes until they came across some toys . " Yeah ! Here we go ! " Dan said as he took out a few figures from the box . Allen was going through everything when he noticed the door that had everything locked away . He still remembered the secret to opening it , even though his mom always told him never to mess with it . He had , on occasion , taken a peek . Now that she 's not here , he decided to see just what she was trying to hide . " Hey ! Now I can finally show you all that cool stuff my dad made for me ! " He pressed on a spot near the door and it opened . Inside were more boxes . Some had words written on them , others had strange symbols and some had no writing at all . Allen found a box labeled " For Allen " and opened it . Inside were all kinds of toy ray guns and flashing robots that his dad had made for him . They were exciting to have as a five year old , but now they looked kind of boring . Still they were impressive for home made toys . Allen took them out and arranged them on the floor as he had done when he was little . " Wow , he was creative , I 'll give him that . I wonder why your mom put these away . " Dan suddenly remembered that he had just brought up unpleasant memories , but Allen didn 't seem to mind . " Oh hey , what 's in these boxes ? " he finally said pointing at the boxes with the strange markings on them . Allen 's attention was directed towards the forbidden boxes and he opened them . Inside was just a bunch of papers with what looked like blueprints and formulas on them . Then they opened a few other boxes and discovered a few pieces of circuit board and what looked like parts to some sort of device . The last box they opened had the infinity symbol on it . He opened it up and saw a crystal with two lead wires coming out of it . There was also some documentation under it . He couldn 't figure out what it all meant , but there was a picture of his toy ray gun and the crystal being put together . " Some sort of weapon ? " Allen thought to himself . It did look like a weapon , but then why would his dad let him play with it if it was dangerous ? " Hey , that looks like this gun . Why don 't we put them together and see what they do ? " Dan suggested . " Do you know how dangerous that could be ? I don 't know what it does . It could kill the both of us . " responded Allen . " Nah , your dad wouldn 't have let you play with it if it was that dangerous . We 'll be careful with it . Come on , aren 't you at least a little curious ? " Dan begged . " Fine , but if it blasts a hole in something , we 're taking it apart . " Allen said finally . Dan agreed and they put the crystal in the gun as the picture showed . Dan took the gun and pointed it at an empty box and fired . A light in the gun 's barrel lit up and flashed as it made a sort of buzzing electrical noise , but nothing happened to the box . Dan fired again , still nothing . He tried it a third time , but this time it didn 't flash or make any noise . He inspected the gun closely to make sure the crystal was still connected properly . Not realizing that he was now pointing the gun toward Allen , Dan accidentally fired the gun again . This time it flashed brightly into Allen 's eyes . Allen was in a trance , staring at the flash and listening to the sound it made . Dan realized what had happened and tried to stop the gun but it wouldn 't turn off . He watched in amazement as Allen seemed to shrink . His clothes became loose and his body lost definition . The hair on his arms slowly disappeared and his hands became smaller as they drew up into his sleeves . His pants no longer fit and slid down to the floor . The gun finally stopped and Dan couldn 't believe what he saw . It was the 10 - year - old version of Allen ! " Allen ? " Dan asked as he bent down to look into Allen 's eyes . " Allen are you okay ? Are you still you ? " He snapped his fingers and Allen jumped to attention . " Wha - what happened to me ? " said Allen in a childish voice . " What 's the matter with my voice ? How come everything 's so big ? " Allen looked at the gun in Dan 's hands . " That gun ! It shrunk me ! My dad made a shrinking gun ? ! " " Uh . . Allen ? It did more than just shrink you bud . It made you younger . You look like you can 't be much older than 10 ! " Dan said , still not able to fully believe what just happened . " Younger ? ! 10 years old ? ! That 's impossible ! " Allen protested . Dan found an old mirror that had been covered up with a blanket . He uncovered it and Allen stared at his childish image . He stepped out of his shoes and clothing that lay on the floor . His shirt hung to his knees and provided enough cover . He felt the cold concrete floor of the basement on his bare feet as he got closer to the mirror . He still couldn 't believe what happened . Tears began to flow as he finally shouted , " Nooooo ! I can 't be a little boy again ! " Dan watched his friend collapse onto his knees as he sobbed uncontrollably . " Well , maybe there 's a way to undo it . " Dan said while looking at the plans . Allen sniffled , " You think so ? " Allen wiped the tears from his face and walked over to Dan who was huge in comparison now . " Well , I can 't make much sense of these plans , but there must be a way . " Dan looked at the gun and back and the plans several times . " Maybe if I just switch the leads on the gun . " Dan switched the leads and prepared to fire again . " No way ! I don 't want to be any younger ! I 've got a better idea . Let 's try it out on you . That way if you get just a little younger , it won 't be as big a deal . " Dan didn 't want to , but he gave the gun to Allen . It was sort of his fault that his best friend was now a 10 year old . Allen smirked a bit as he fired . Dan became mesmerized by the gun as Allen had . At first , nothing seemed to be happening , but then Allen noticed Dan 's clothing getting a bit loose . He stopped firing , though he thought of letting it go until Dan was as young as him . It wouldn 't have helped the situation . " Well ? " Dan said , not noticing that his voice was just a bit off . " It didn 't work . " Allen said defeated . " You got younger . " Dan walked over to the mirror . Sure enough , he was suddenly looking at himself at 18 years old . " Man ! You couldn 't have stopped it sooner ? ! " " Hey ! At least you 're not 10 ! Be happy ! " Allen said angrily . " I guess you 're right . We should put the gun away until we can figure it out . In the meantime , let 's find something that fits you better . You can 't go around in just that shirt all day . " Dan took the gun and put it back in it 's box , then looked through the clothing boxes until he found one that had " Allen , age 10 " written on it . Allen picked out what he wanted to wear . A GI Joe T - shirt and red shorts . Allen dressed , then took the plans and climbed the stairs . They were higher than he was used to . After reading through the plans a few times , Allen became tired . He decided to take a nap on his bed and Dan continued the research . Dan soon became bored , though , and began to watch TV . He soon fell asleep as well . He woke up a while later after hearing Allen say , " I 'm hungry ! I wanna eat something ! " Dan thought it had all been a dream , but then saw 10 year old Allen standing there looking at him . " Yeah , me too . Let 's see what there is to eat . " Dan looked in the cabinet . To his surprise there was food there still left over . Mostly instant stuff . " How about some macaroni ? " " That sounds good ! " said Allen excitedly . Dan noticed that he seemed to be acting more like he looked now . He guessed it was just a side effect . Dan made the mac and cheese while Allen went into the basement . He came back a minute later with a few toys . Mostly GI Joes . " Wanna play ? " " Uhh . . okay . " Dan was a bit confused , but decided to sit down and play with Allen anyway while the food cooked . He wanted to have fun like the old days , but it wasn 't as fun as he remembered for some reason . Allen seemed to be having a blast , but Dan figured that he was just too old to really enjoy it like he used to . Allen seemed to be having too good a time when Dan finally asked , " Allen ? You do remember that you 're not really a kid right ? You 're 23 . " Allen looked up at Dan . " Hmm ? Oh yeah . I remember , but being sent back to my childhood has brought out so many fun memories . I went down and grabbed these toys almost instinctively . Just seemed like the thing to do . " Dan was puzzled , but then remembered the food . He would worry about Allen later . He got the macaroni and mixed the cheese sauce into it and made a bowl for himself and Allen . After eating , Dan and Allen went into the living room to watch TV . Allen wanted to watch Nickelodeon , but Dan wanted to watch MTV . They settled on the Simpsons . Afterwards , Dan attempted to read the plans again . The problem was that the plans had all kinds of complicated formulas on them . He was always bad at math . Allen couldn 't pay attention long enough , and eventually went back to playing with his toys . When he rubbed his eyes , Dan knew it was time for bed . Allen took a bath while Dan went down into the basement to find some PJs that would fit his friend 's 10 - year - old frame . He finally found some that had Spiderman on them and underoos to match . The pictures of Spidey were a little faded , but it was still good . Allen seemed happy to see them and put them on in a hurry . Beaming , he went straight to his room and got into bed . " Read me a story ? " Allen asked Dan . Dan stopped . " Do what ? A story ? Are you serious ? You 're acting like you really are 10 ! " " I am 10 aren 't I ? You can tell just by looking at me . " Allen said , a little confused . Allen seemed to remember something about a gun and being taller before , but it was as if it were a dream . He decided to humor Dan . " Oh yeah . That 's right . I was uhh . . just testin ' ya . " Dan got into one of the other beds in the house and eventually fell asleep . The next morning , he awoke to the sounds of cartoons on TV . " Allen ! What are you doing up so early ? ! " Dan just stared for a minute . He felt like he should be concerned , but he couldn 't quite remember why . " Alright then kiddo . Just keep it down would ya ? " Dan tried to go back to sleep , but it was no use . He got up and made some breakfast . Cereal and juice . After the cartoons were over , Allen went down into the basement again . He came back up with some more toys . He put on a plastic space helmet and had a " laser gun " in one hand . There was something about the gun the got Dan 's attention . What was it about that gun ? " Prepare to die you aliens ! Pow ! Zap ! Boom ! " Allen shot at imaginary targets all around the room . The gun was making too much noise for Dan 's taste . " Allen , please keep it down okay ? " Dan asked calmly . Just then , Allen jumped in front of where Dan was sitting and pointed the gun right at him . " It 's the evil alien master ! I must destroy him ! " With that , Allen fired . Dan 's attention was focused on the gun 's light and sound . He suddenly remembered everything that had happened , but it was too late . All too soon , he began to shrink . His feet slowly rose up out of his bedroom slippers and pulled in under his robe . His hands became chubbier and retreated into the cavernous sleeves . His five - o - clock shadow was now gone and even the last trace of " peach fuzz " was starting to disappear . His hair became shorter and his head retreated into his robe . As soon as his eyes were no longer in contact with the gun 's light , he stopped shrinking . Allen stopped firing and looked at the 8 year old in front of him . " Cool ! " he finally exclaimed . " Cool ? ! " little Danny said in a small voice . " This isn 't cool ! Look at me ! " Dan stood up , trying to hold his robe on . He now had to look up at Allen . " I 'm even smaller than you now ! Why did you do that ? ! " Allen just kind of smiled . " I don 't know . I was just playin ' . I didn 't know it would shrink you . Honest ! At least now I have someone I can play with ! Wanna play GI Joes ? " Allen asked . " What ? ! Are you crazy ? ! We 've got to figure a way out of this mess ! " Though playing with GI Joes was awful tempting . " Let me have that gun ! " Dan took the gun from Allen and put it on a nearby table . " Don 't touch it again , okay ? " Allen nodded . Dan looked around the room . Everything was so big . It was almost terrifying . He realized the hopelessness of his situation . He couldn 't figure out the plans as an adult , how would he be able to as a little kid ? Even worse , he and Allen both were now to little to even drive . Dan 's emotions got the better of him and he began to cry . Just then , the boys heard a car pull up . Dan padded over to the window and looked out . It was Alice ! What was she going to say about all this ? ! He had no choice . After all , at least she could drive . Dan opened the door and blushed . The first thing Alice saw was a small , brown haired child dressed only in an oversized blue robe . She looked over and saw another child dressed in Spiderman pajamas , wearing a space helmet . They both looked somewhat familiar . Confused , she asked " Who are you ? Where are Allen and Dan ? Are you their cousins or something ? " " No , I 'm Dan and that 's Allen . " Dan said looking down . Alice looked puzzled , then laughed . " No , really little boy . Stop playing tricks . Where are they ? " " It 's really us Alice ! Take a good look ! " Dan shouted . Alice took a closer look at Allen . He did resemble her boyfriend a bit . The same dark brown hair , the same brown eyes . Allen looked back at her . She seemed familiar to him . He knew her name was Alice before Dan said it . He didn 't know how he knew her , but he did . Suddenly Alice took a few steps back . " Allen ? ! What happened to you ? ! " " It 's a long story , better sit down . " Dan explained how he and Allen came across the ray gun and how he accidentally shrank Allen who in turn shrank him just before she drove up . Although he could no longer remember all of it , he was able to piece things together enough for her . Dan showed Alice the plans and explained how they had tried to reverse the gun 's effects but couldn 't figure it out . Alice sure had no idea what it all meant and the whole situation gave her a headache . She went to the medicine cabinet only to discover just a minimum of aspirin and a few first aid remedies . " Well , it looks like we need to make a trip to the store to get a few things . " Alice stated . " Dan , you and Allen need to get dressed . You can 't go to town looking like that . " and with that Alice went down into the basement and returned minutes later with proper fitting outfits for both kids . She dressed Allen in an orange shirt with the faded yellow numbers , " 55 , " on the front and back , jeans and Keds shoes . Dan was dressed in an old white T - shirt with blue sleeves , jeans , and gray He - Man velcro sneakers . " Hey ! How come he gets the He - Man shoes ? ! " Allen demanded . After all , they had plastic He - Man decals on them and you didn 't have to bother to tie them . " Cut it out the both of you ! " Alice yelled . " He 's wearing them because they 're the only shoes down there in his size . " After explaining , Alice hurried the boys into the backseat of her car , buckled them in and headed to the store . Most of the drive consisted of Allen punching Dan in the arm each time he saw a VW Bug driving by . " The next person to hit or bother another person while in this car doesn 't get a treat from the store ! " Alice stated attempting to calm the two boys down . It only lasted until they got inside the store . The minute Alice got a cart and headed down an isle , Allen poked Dan in the back then quickly hid his hands as if he was innocent . " Stop it ! " Dan yelled . Everyone in the immediate area could hear . This only made Allen want to pick on his little friend more . Soon they were running around the entire store playing tag . " Tag ! You 're it shrimp ! " Allen would exclaim . Dan would get angry and immediately turn around to chase Allen down another isle . This game continued around Alice the entire time . She just had a defeated look on her face as the other customers looked in her direction . The game was only interrupted by requests from the two boys . " Oooh ! Can we get some of this ? Please , please , please ! Pretty please ! Can we , huh ? " they would both chant grabbing various boxes of cereal , candy , and sodas . " No ! I don 't have enough money to get EVERYTHING you guys ask for you know ? ! " Alice would finally answer . Defeated , the boys would continue their game . At one point , Dan got control of Alice 's cart and ran around the store with it pretending he was driving a car . Allen would jump on the front and dare Dan to go faster . Of course , the inevitable happened , they soon slammed into a display of Barnum 's Animal Crackers , knocking it over . Pretending that nothing happened , the two boys ran the cart back to Alice and left it with her , trying to dump the evidence . Somehow , Alice managed to check out with just a few of the treats Allen and Dan had thrown into the cart . She thought that the boys would be tired after running around so much , but she thought wrong . The minute they got home , the two boys leaped out of the car and ran around to the back to play on the old tire swing that was still there after all these years . " Race ya ! " Dan said , who was actually ahead of Allen . Allen then picked up speed and overtook Dan who tried to trip him up . It wasn 't the most comfortable swing , but it was loads of fun for them . Allen beat Dan to it and jumped on the tire swing . " Beat ya ! Now you gotta push me ! " Allen gloated . Dan got around behind Allen and pushed as hard as he could then moved out of the way . Each time the swing came back , Dan would add more speed to it until Allen was getting some good distance between him and the ground . The cool breeze blew Allen 's hair around and made it a mess . Dan was getting impatient . " No way squirt ! Not until I finish ! " Allen was able to use his own momentum to continue swinging , then began to spin around . " Wheeee ! " Allen exclaimed as he jumped off . " Okay . " Dan said as he was getting on the swing . " Now you push me ! " Allen got around behind Dan and pushed with all his might . Each time Dan passed by he would add more power behind it and soon Dan was going really high . So high , in fact , that Dan was getting a bit scared . " Not so high ! " he whined . Allen just ignored him and kept on pushing . Dan was getting nervous . He didn 't like being up so high . " Stop it ! I 'm gonna fall ! Whaaaaaaa ! " Dan started to bawl . " Oh stop it ya big baby ! " Allen told Dan as he was letting him back down to a safer speed . As soon as he slowed down enough , Dan jumped off and ran inside wiping the tears from his eyes . He ran past Alice who had just finished putting the groceries away . " Alice ! " Dan sniffled . " Allen pushed me too hard on the swing ! " " Did too ! " Dan argued back . " Did not ! Did too ! Did not ! Did too ! " the boys argued back and fourth until finally Alice stopped them . " Pizza ! " both boys said with excitement . They both ran to the bathroom and washed their hands in a hurry . During dinner , Dan managed to get a lot of the pizza on his shirt . He had always been a somewhat sloppy eater , but his diminished body didn 't help things . " Sheesh , you 're a sloppy one Danny . Let 's get you cleaned up . " Alice took Dan into the bathroom . She ran a tub full of warm water and poured in some Mr . Bubble she had gotten at the store . She then took off Dan 's shoes , socks , pants , and shirt when Dan suddenly remembered something . " My toys ! Let me get some of my toys to play with ! " Dan pleaded . Alice sighed and let him go pick out some of his favorite toys to play with . She could hear Allen laughing at Dan who was dressed only in a pair of Transformers underoos , followed by a " Shut up ! " from Dan . He then returned with toys in hand and immediately dumped them in the sudsy water . Alice took off Dan 's last remaining article of clothing and he jumped in . She laughed a little bit at Dan who seemed to have no sense of modesty whatsoever . She washed his hair while he played with the suds , building them up with his hands into a mountain of sorts and then letting the GI Joes , he brought , climb it . After playing for a while , the suds became thin and the water began to get cold . Dan got out and Alice dried him off and dressed him in the pajamas she had found in a box in the basement . " Superman pajamas ! " Dan exclaimed . They were indeed Superman pajamas . The " S " symbol on the front was a bit faded , but for the most part it had been well kept . The outfit even had a red cape that could be attached to the shoulders of the pajama 's top by way of velcro strips . She put the cape on and fixed Dan 's hair and sent him on out . " Ta da ! I 'm Superman ! " Dan yelled while mock flying through the house . Allen saw and remembered that those used to be his pajamas and that he had loved to wear them all the time . " Well , they fit him . They would be too tight for you to wear . Besides , " she said turning around , " I found you these . " She pulled out a set of Batman pajamas in Allen 's size . Allen grinned . He liked Batman more than Superman anyway . Allen insisted on undressing himself and got into the tub of sudsy water . He played with the same toys that Dan had brought in and then washed his own hair . He was a little jealous of all the attention that Alice seemed to be giving Dan , but he was a big boy . He didn 't want to be treated like a baby . Soon Allen was done and was dressed in his Batman outfit . He and Dan jumped about the house fighting off imaginary bad guys , and sometimes each other , while Alice made their beds . She had gotten a spare bed out of the closet and set it up in Allen 's room for Dan to sleep on . Not that they would get much sleep mind you . As soon as Alice turned out the lights and shut the door , the two boys could be heard laughing . They couldn 't sleep . They began jumping on the beds and resumed their game of tag . When they grew bored of this , they quietly switched on the TV in Allen 's room and played more video games . This time Allen had the upper hand and was able to beat Dan with no problems . Eventually they got a bit too loud and Alice burst through the door . " What do you two think you 're doing ? ! Get back to bed now before I get really mad ! " she yelled very quickly . It wasn 't the fact that they weren 't asleep , it was that they were keeping Alice from getting any rest . The two kids looked at her with a horrified expression on their faces , turned off the TV and jumped into bed . Alice groaned and walked back out . " Boy that was scary . " Allen said to Dan . " Yeah really . Her face was all like this . " Dan said as he mimicked Alice 's face . They both laughed again , but quickly realized that it could bring Alice back , so they stopped and finally fell asleep . The next morning , Dan really had to go . He woke up suddenly and quickly made his way to the bathroom only to find that Alice was in there . He pounded on the door . " Hey ! Hurry up in there ! I really gotta gooooo ! " he said while bouncing up and down . Alice just told him to hold it in while she finished . Dan couldn 't wait though . In his panic , he decided that it would be best if he tried to go in the back yard . Allen woke up when he heard Dan yelling and got up to go see . He saw that the back door was open , so he walked out to see what Dan was up to . Dan had his back to Allen and was crying . " What 's the matter ? Why are you crying ? Did Alice yell at you ? " Allen asked . Dan slowly turned around to face Allen . He immediately saw what Dan was crying about . There was a dark spot on the front of his PJs and down his leg . " You peed yourself ? ! HAHA ! " " Shut up Allen ! Just shut up ! " Dan yelled through the tears . " You 're just a big baby aren 't you ? Alice having to give you a bath and dress you like that . Now you 're out here with soaked pajamas crying your eyes out . Just like a 4 - year - old ! " Allen stated . He was making sure to rub it in really good . " I 'm not a baby ! I just couldn 't hold it that long ! I really had to go ! " Dan sobbed . Just then , Alice came to see what the yelling was about . She saw Dan 's condition . " Oh I 'm so sorry Dan ! Here , let 's get you cleaned up . " She took Dan inside and into the bathroom . She shut the door to make sure Allen wouldn 't come in to make any comments . Alice washed Dan off with a wet cloth and dressed him in a pair of shorts and a Pacman shirt . Still sniffling , he walked out of the bathroom to face Allen . " Allen ! ! " Alice yelled . Dan broke into sobs again and ran into the next room . " He 's just a little boy Allen ! Not much younger than you ! Little boys have accidents sometimes . It can 't be helped . So quit making fun of him . It 's hard enough having to look after you two without you fighting all the time . " Allen sighed . " Okay , okay . I won 't make fun of him anymore . " he said with his fingers crossed behind his back . Alice gave Allen some clothes to dress in while she went and got dressed herself . She had plans for today . After reading through some of the papers in the hidden closet downstairs , she had come across some interesting documents . She found out where Allen 's father had worked and decided to go there and see if anything there had been developed that could restore the boys . Allen came out of his room dressed in a Thundercats T - shirt and black shorts . Dan had calmed down and after breakfast , they got in the car and headed for the lab . It was sort of a long drive to the lab . Dan still had the Game Boy he had bought while in college and was playing it when Allen would snatch it away . " You 're no good at this game . Lemme show you how . " Dan was upset , but watched Allen play anyway . When they finally got to the lab , Alice walked in with the boys in tow and asked for the name she saw on the piece of paper . " I need to speak with Dr . Lane please . " The receptionist paged Dr . Lane , but he said he was too busy to deal with anyone right now . Then Alice shouted into the intercom , " It 's about Allen and his father ! " There was a long silence . The receptionist gave Alice a dirty look , then Dr . Lane responded by allowing them to see him . " Here , have a seat . The boys should wait outside . " Dr . Lane told Alice . She motioned for them to leave and they walked out and sat in the lobby . Dr . Lane looked to be about Allen 's age . Well , his old age of 23 anyway . He had many degrees on the wall and many awards for various inventions . " Dr . Lane . . . " Alice started . " It was hidden away at Allen 's house . From what I was told , his father died in some kind of accident and his mom hid what was there at the house in a secret room . " Alice explained . " I see . " he said calmly . " I trust the two boys sitting outside are Allen and his friend Dan . " he said as he winked . " It was many years ago . " Richard started . " He was working on ways to trick the mind into healing itself from any wound inflicted . You see the mind has vast , untapped potential power . We 've only begun to scrape the surface . He worked night and day on a series of hypnotic devices that would attempt to rewire the brain , so to speak . He had almost perfected it when the accident happened . Another scientist was working in a lab across from his when there was a big explosion . Allen 's father raced in and saved the scientist , but was badly burned . He had lost a lot of blood and would have died had he not done what he did . " " He decided to use the machine he created . " the doctor answered . " It seemed to be working at first . His burned tissue healed and the blood he lost was being restored , but then the machine kept on going . Making him younger and younger . They tried to turn off the machine but it wouldn 't respond . They finally had to smash it to get it to stop . By the time they did that , he was just a little 4 - year - old . He could still remember what happened for a little while and tried to figure out what went wrong , but by the end of the day his mind was going . He told us to tell his wife that he was dead . He couldn 't bring himself to face her as he was . He told us that he had a compact version of the machine hidden at his house in pieces . So he had us tell his wife to put it all away in a safe place in case Allen decided to take up where his father left off . She had another idea . She decided to steer Allen clear of following in his father 's footsteps . She didn 't want two tragities in the family . Of course , this is just what he had us tell his wife . What he really had planned was to grow up and continue his research . Of course , it didn 't quite work out that way . " " So what happened to him ? Where is he now ? " Alice asked . " He 's right outside in the lobby , sitting next to his son . " he stated with a smile on his face . " Yes , we were going to tell him all this as soon as he graduated . " Alice was shocked beyond belief . She simply couldn 't believe what the doctor had just told her . She needed some solid proof . " You expect me to believe that ? ! What proof do you have ? " " Young ? " the doctor finished . " Yes , you see I 've managed to rebuild his marvelous invention . Unfortunately , it is still irreversable . He was the only one brilliant enough to do so . I simply used some of his notes he left on his computer to rebuild . Even that took me a number of years . I , of course , tested it on myself . You can see the results . " Alice was still in shock . To provide further proof , Richard showed her the videotape of the entire incident . He continued by showing her Dan 's faked death certificate as well as the fake birth certificate . Dan was raised by a loving family who knew of the incident . It was his own idea to stay with them and be Allen 's new friend rather than a brother . There was less mess that way . Allen was just a little too young to go to kindergarten that year , so he was still in preschool , which worked out well for them . It was remarkable . Dan really was Allen 's father . " I guess the truth is stranger than fiction . " Alice said . " There 's not a whole lot we can do . " he answered . " I 'm afraid they are stuck like that . We could try to correct their minds , but why when they are going be forced to grow up again ? It would be crewel . " Both Alice and Richard walked out into the lobby to see the two boys wrestling one another . " Heh , I see they 're getting along . " he joked . The next day , Richard came over to see Alice to see how she was doing . She was still trying to figure out a way to explain everything to the boys in a way they would understand . One night , Richard decided to take her out to dinner so they could discuss things . Alice was reluctant because of Allen , but since there was no hope for him she decided that it was for the best . They decided to leave the two boys at home . After all , it would only be about an hour . The restaurant was right down the street . She gave Allen the phone number and told him that since he was the oldest , he was in charge . Much to the dismay of Dan . After the adults left , Allen started in with Dan . " Okay , Alice said I 'm in charge . So what I say goes ! " Allen stated . Dan gulped . They started by watching TV , but Allen wouldn 't let Dan watch what he wanted to . Instead of Spongebob , he was forced to watch the Powerpuff Girls . Then Allen had another idea to irritate Dan . " Let 's play GI Joes ! I 'll be Duke , and you can be the Cobra Commander . " " No ! You 've got to do what I say cuz I 'm older ! " Allen commanded . Dan didn 't like it , but played anyway . They both gathered up different GI Joe figures to play with . " Pow ! Kablam ! That guy is dead ! Bam ! Now he 's dead . " Allen said as he killed off Dan 's troops . " Stop whining squirt . You have to do what I say remember ? " Allen reminded him . Dan just huffed and stomped off into another room . " Fine then ! Go over there and cry about it you big baby ! " Allen said mockingly . " I have to do what you say because you 're older right ? " Dan asked . " Well then . " he said as he pulled out the ray gun . " If I 'm older then we 'll get to do what I say right ? " He didn 't give Allen a chance to argue when he pulled the trigger . Allen 's attention snapped to the light and sound of the gun . Dan watched as Allen shrank . His bare feet began to draw up into the legs of his Spiderman pajamas and his hands became chubbier and even smaller than Dan 's . His dark brown hair began to lighten a bit and get a little softer . His arms shrank out of the sleeves and into the pajamas . Just then , the door opened . It was Alice and Richard . Dan stopped the gun and looked at them , terrified at what they would say . Allen sat on the floor . Now just around 3 years old . " Wha happen to me ? " Allen squeaked in a very babyish voice . Before he could manage another word he began to cry uncontrollably . Alice and Richard turned their attention to Dan who was still holding the gun . " Dan ? ! " Alice yelled . " I can 't believe you did this ! Come here now ! " She was angry and Dan knew it . It was just a spur of the moment thing . He wasn 't thinking clearly . He turned to run and Alice followed behind . Dan was almost to Allen 's bedroom door when he tripped . The gun fell out of his hands and landed in front of him , jarring it enough to turn it on . Dan 's focus was now on the gun 's light and sound . He began to shrink right before Alice 's eyes . His feet became tiny and drew up into his , now clean , but also now too big , Superman pajamas . His pudgy hands withdrew into his long sleeves and the outfit seemed to deflate . His hair became very short and feathery as his feet now almost left the inside of the bottom pajamas . Richard ran just inside the room where the gun lay and smashed it to pieces , stopping Dan 's regression at just around 2 years old . He stood up and was now only clad in the top part of the PJs . The cape that he had was now dragging the floor . " Gots widdower ! " Dan spoke , just before his legs spazmed and he fell onto his behind . He immediately began to wail along with 3 - year - old Allen in the other room . Alice picked him up and placed him next to Allen on the rug . " I can 't believe it . I should have just thrown that stupid gun out ! It 's all my fault ! " Alice cried into Richard 's shoulder . " Now now , you didn 't know this was going to happen . At least this way it 'll be easier to explain to them . " Richard said . " That you are their mommy and I am their daddy . " Richard smiled . Alice smiled back and looked down at the two toddlers who both just wet themselves , and the rug , and were still screaming . " I 'll go downstairs and get the left over diapers and baby things packed up in those boxes while you get them cleaned up . " Alice suggested . Richard gathered up the two bawling infants and took them into the bathroom and ran a warm bath . Alice came up in a minute with cloth diapers , plastic pants , training pants , and a few baby clothes and toys . Richard then left to go get a few baby supplies while the stores were still open . She took Allen in her arms and bathed him off . He had stopped crying now . " You were going to be my husband at one time , but now look at you . You 're a little toddler who needs a mommy and daddy to look after you . I know you were jealous of Dan being babied by me . I heard you talking to him . Now you 're both babies and will get the same attention . Don 't worry sweetheart . Mommy and daddy are right here and we 'll make sure that you both grow up knowing both your parents . " Allen just looked at her confused . " I baby now , an you mommy ? " he said pointing at her . " That 's right sweetheart ! You 're very smart . " she praised . Allen just giggled and Alice finished bathing him off , dressed him in a pair of thick training pants and a blue footed sleeper with Bugs Bunny on it . She then comforted Dan and gently bathed him off in the tub . " And you , little troublemaker . " she remarked . " You 've been given a second chance at life twice ! A rare thing indeed . You 've always wanted Allen to be your best friend again . Well , now he 's your brother . Too bad you two won 't be playing with those GI Joes for a while . They 're not safe for babies . " " Sowy Awise . " were the last words he would utter , still knowing what had happened . Then Dan squealed with delight as the warm water rinsed over his head . She dried him off and dressed him in a cloth diaper , plastic pants , and a smaller , yellow footed sleeper with a picture of Winnie the Pooh on it . Just then , Richard got back with baby food , formula , bottles , pacifiers , oil , powder , wipes , disposables , and a few other things they would need . Later , he went down into the basement and pulled up the foldaway crib to put in Allen 's room . Together , they fed the boys and tucked them into bed . " By tomorrow , they won 't remember any of it . " Richard said . He shut the door and turned on the night - light . The two boys lay there sleeping . The best they had gotten along since they had become kids . They both still remembered being big and playing with some kind of toys , but it was all very fuzzy . Soon they drifted off to sleep in a warm sea of fleece and blankets . What memories they had left , vanished in the night . Richard helped Alice with the legal red tape . It was something he was used to . Alice called the college and where Allen worked and told them that they had both died in a terrible car accident while vacationing . They informed the family Dan stayed with of the situation . They were upset , but understood . Something few people could do . Soon Alice and Richard were married . They had the proper documents proving that both Allen and Dan were their children . Richard decided to sell his / Dan 's invention and made enough money off it to live quite comfortably raising two boys . They looked down at their new sons . Two innocent little babies playing side by side . Who would have guessed they had so much history behind them . Not that it matters now . Nothing matters to babies . |
I am currently working in a small country town hospital in Theodor , Queensland . Something interesting happened on one night shift . There were only four patients in at the time , all were bed ridden elderly . At around 0100hrs I was in the main hall of the ward , not this is a small hospital that is built in a U shape . At one end of the U is the Emergency Department ( ED ) , along that arm is the pharmacy and reception . In the corner of the U is the operating theatre and the ward extends along the base of the U , then on the other arm is the kitchen , staff room and training room . I was standing in the ward hallway about half way along the base of the U when someone walked out of the Director of Nursing 's office across the hall toward ED , I was wondering who of the staff was still at work at this time of morning as I had just left the only other staff member on in the staff room . I went to investigate but could not find anyone in the hospital . I thought I was seeing things ! I walked back to the staff room and told the other nurse on what I had seen , she told me I was just tired . It was a good half hour after that that we heard the distinct sound of footsteps on a wooden floor . We looked at each other and dove out of the room to see who it was , once again a full search of the hospital revealed nothing ! I thought it was odd as the floor was concrete but the footsteps were definitely on wood . We gave up thinking that it was just out first night and we were hearing things , around 40 minutes later at around 0215hrs there was a loud crash from the far end of the hospital followed by footsteps again . Once again we both dived out of the room , this time thinking one of the patients had somehow climbed over there bed rail and fallen . Once again after searching the hospital nothing was found , all patients were asleep in bed . We were chatting about it just before hand over in the morning saying what an odd shift it was as we were hearing and seeing things . This elicited an odd response from the regular nurses ! ( We , that were on are relief nurses ) " Oh , that would have been the Matron . " It turns out this is nothing unusual for this hospital and most all staff have experienced something . One odd part of it is she has never been seen along the ward or near the kitchen and staff area , only near her office and the foyer . This was just like seeing another person , no transparency , no missing bits just a person and on thinking about it no sound either of footsteps or movement ! Something else that made the footsteps make sense to me is that the original wood hospital burnt down in the late 70s and this one was built on the same spot only with a concrete floor ! A few nights later I took my digital camera with me to take some pictures , I took one immediately after the other outside the Director of Nursing 's office looking along the ward hall . The first shows what appears to be an orb and the second just an empty hall . My Grandma and Grandad lived in a house that is only about eighty years old , and so when I was little , it hadn 't had anybody die within the house . When I was about five or six , I was playing in the smallest bedroom there with my walkie - talkies ( if you don 't know what they are then they 're like a mobile phone , but you can only communicate with the other handset of the pair - they operate on a frequency unique to the set , so that no other signal should be picked up ) . Now , I was attempting to see if I could hear my voice in the other handset when I spoke into the one i had in my hand , and the other handset was at the other side of the room ( remember , I was only six ) . Then , I heard a voice from the handset I was holding - it was saying " Guess who it is now , guess who it is . . . " and it continued to tell me to guess . At only six you wouldn 't have thought I would have been that frightened , but I was absolutely terrified and switched the walkie - talkies off and never used them again . My grandad dismissed this as just picking up another radio signal , but I believe that it was something else . Also in my grandma 's house I keep smelling cigarette smoke , and neither of my grandparents are smokers . It 's really strong , but generally disappears after a few seconds . I sometimes smell roses too , but that is fainter . I didn 't mention this to anyone but then I heard my grandma sniffing one day and she told me that she could often smell cigarette smoke in the house ! I then told her I could too , and she told me that she thought it was my great - great grandad who smoked " like a chimney " up until the day he died , watching the house . I told her about the roses and she said she could smell them sometimes , but not as often as the smoke . Anyway , in 2007 my grandad died in December in the house . He had been in hospital for months before and while he was in hospital my grandma had dropped the keys to the garden gate outside and had never found them again , even though she looked every day for them . She never told my grandad because they always used to fight about where the keys were , and she didn 't want to tell him she 'd lost them . Then after he died , my grandma went outside , passing where she had dropped the keys and looked down - to see the two keys , perfectly stretched out with their keys on either side of their key - ring ( i . e . not looking like they had just been dropped there ) and with not a mark on them , even though they were lying in mud . She swears she checked that spot every day after she lost the keys and they weren 't there . Grace On the 25 February 2007 my eleven year old sister died , I was fourteen then . A cancer of the bone had taken over her body and my sister was no longer able to live . Grace died in the accompany of her immediate family . Although my sister is gone I know that she is not too far away from me . I can hear her walking around at night , when the rest of my family sleeps . I find her clothes on my bedroom floor . Old toys and trinkets that we used to play with when we were little appear in my school locker . I am not scared for me but only for her , it began like this . Three and a half years after Grace 's death I was used to finding her stuff around the place and communicating with her in some form . If I ever had trouble with finding something I would reach out to her and ask where a certain item was and shortly after I would find it . I enjoyed having her company around me and to never be alone but I always wished for more . I wished that I could see her in the flesh again . The day was coming to an end . All the birds had gone back into their trees and now the bats were coming out . My Mum and Dad were going out to a work function that night and now me being an only child was left at home alone . I went back downstairs knowing that it was Grace playing a trick on me . Ten minutes later extremely loud banging noises began . I went back up the stairs and finally I was able to open my bedroom door . To my shock and disbelief I saw a foggy version of the back of my sister sitting on my bed . Even though I could not see her face I could tell that she was sad and miserable . It pained me to hear her sobbing and crying . Grace had scratches and cut on her hands and feet . I closed my eyes and said out loud " Grace you are dead now . " All I remember from there was waking up on the ground in my bedroom , I figured I must of fainted . Ever since that night I haven 't heard from my sister since . It 's been pleasantly quite around here . Sensing Spiritual Prescence My story is not really about one particular experience , but a series of different experiences throughout the years . My earliest experience was when I was about 10 years old and I can remember standing in my mom 's kitchen and feeling someone touch my shoulder and so I turned around to see who it was and there was no one there , that I could see … hmm that kinda freaked me out ! After that there were numerous different " things " that occurred such as strange unexplained noises , things cutting on and off by themselves , me waking out of my sleep at night just feeling like somebody was in the room with me . When I became a teen I saw something on TV that said if you ever feel you have a spirit in your house or around you to speak to them and they 'll listen , so that 's what I did . Whenever they started making noises or cutting things on I would tell them to stop and it shocked me when they listened , it made it that more real but it also stopped me from being afraid . I am a Christian and I really don 't believe in " ghosts " but I do believe in spirits , both good and bad and I think I have definitely encountered both . I have very vivid dreams mostly about people close to me but sometimes even about people that are not so close , and anytime I have a dream about someone close to me I 'll call them and tell them about it and more than half the time it 's dead on . They 'll tell me they just can believe what I 'm saying because it 's something they 've really been dealing with . Now I am 24 married with 4 children and my husband knows about everything and he is always supportive , I sometime see someone in the house or hear someone speak ( and I don 't know who , I 've never asked ) and I 'll let him know but he encourages me not to speak to spirits because they could be bad and he believes it would only encourage them . I have always wondered what to do with all this because there has to be a reason why these things happen and although I 'm not afraid I still feel I should maybe do more about it and I don 't , most of the time I just ignore it . I would like to know what I could do . Recently , well , really three years ago almost , my mom , dad , little brother and I , moved into a new house in Corona , California . The house is about four years old , and the previous owners didn 't take very good care of it . A lot of times , I stay home alone , because my little brother plays a lot of sports , so I stay home to do my homework , and whatnot . So , maybe it 's a case of paranoia , who knows . Whenever I would walk around the house , I would feel someone watching me , or some footsteps , in and around the house . None of our neighbors were home the times it happened , and there was no one walking around the outside , or in the bushes . I have a very logical mind for a fourteen - year - old girl , and I tried to figure it out , of course nothing but that came to mind . I just got freaked out and I would start to take my homework with me to Milo 's practices , because I was so freaked out . I wouldn 't sleep in my own room for nights on end because I didn 't want to be in my room . Before anyone else in my family had any experiences , I had about five , but I only remember two because apparently in the middle of the night I came screaming to my mom and my memory isn 't that good in the day anyways . One night , I 'm laying in bed , and it 's about ten thirty or so , and my friends keep sending me texts , and I 'm too lazy to turn my phone of , I turn it over , and I go to sleep . Suddenly , around 1 : 00 am , I jolt awake . There used to be space between my bed and the wall , but after that night I moved my bed . Every night my door was closed , but as soon as I wake up I see a shape of a little boy appear , and I think it 's my little brother , Milo . The figure goes around the end of my bed and into the gap in between my bed and the wall , again I thought it was my brother , so I 'm swiping at it with my arm saying , " Milo , I 'm going to tell mom that you came in without asking , " and " Milo , if you don 't get out I 'm gonna throw you out " things like that . I finally walk over to my dresser , and turn on my lamp . There was nothing there when the light came on . I was That was last year in 2009 , this year , maybe a little bit after the new year , my brother reported something similar , he said he saw someone in the doorway into our hall . Our house is a one - story house , so it 's kind of simple in design . The figure he saw was in the doorway , connecting the living room , to the bedroom hallway , It was someone who had a vague resemblance to me , but it was a very shadowy figure , he told me . It looked like it was tall and had long hair , and had the same figure as me , but it was kneeling . Again , I sleep with my door closed so I didn 't see it and I knew I had not gone out at all during the night . He 's forgotten all about it but it freaks me out . Maybe it 's our family that has recently passed coming to check up on us , or maybe it 's because it 's a new house on old land . I just don 't really want to find out . Okay , first of all , I 'm not crazy . I am a 13 year old girl who goes to a catholic school . I am very religious and I don 't , or DIDN ' T , believe in ghosts and demons . I always said I believed in spirits rather than ghosts and I don 't believe in the devil , I just think that he is real . I am a completely normal girl . Before I moved into this house , I never even thought of ghosts . . . ever . Now , I feel like they are a vivid part of my everyday life . As much as I try to make them go away , they keep coming and coming . I don 't care if you don 't believe me , typing this out and telling someone about it makes me feel exceptionally better . Now for my story . A month ago , I was sleeping in my room and I woke up at 3 : 06 . ( I remember exactly because of my grey alarm clock by my bed ) and I heard someone downstairs scream my name . It sounded like my mom in a really deep voice . " Yes ? " I screamed downstairs , but nobody replied . I waited a few seconds and then I heard someone scream " Amanda " two more times . I was confused . I screamed really loud , " What ? Mom ? What ? " But , once again , nobody replied . I creeped out of bed and walked downstairs to my parents ' bedroom . My mom and stepdad were fast asleep and my older brother was at a friend 's house and my younger brother was only 6 at the time and his voice absolutely did not sound like my mom 's just deeper . I ran upstairs and pulled the covers over my head . That was a minor occurrence . What happened later is much worse . Everything went back to normal . Every once in a while , I 'd see a black shadow in the corner of my eye . I always told myself , it 's nothing . But it was something . . . something I regret ignoring . A few nights ago , I had a friend over who had recently moved to Tennessee and she was visiting her home town . I invited her over for a sleepover . We watched a scary movie so we were pretty freaked out . She told me about a time when she was at a friend 's house and they used an Ouija board and they asked the spirit if it was following her friend , and the board moved to yes . She told me they ran outside and hugged each other and cried . I was so excited . I looked up how to do a Ouija board and I finally convinced her to do one with me . I took a piece of paper , wrote yes on the left side , and no on the right side and 1234567890in between them and then the alphabet above that and " goodbye " below the numbers . We covered a table with loose - leaf paper and put the board in the middle . We put our hands on the board , and the second they touched , the wind blew really strong and we heard something tap the window . We closed our eyes and started meditating on the question , " If you are there , show us . Can you do something ? " A few seconds after we started meditating , we heard loud stomps by the bathroom ( 5 or 6 feet away ) like a large , grown man was jumping up and down and stomping . We screamed and ran upstairs ( we were in the basement ) and I felt a cold sensation and all of a sudden I felt burning on my leg . I pulled my sweatpants up and saw a large scratch about 3 or 4 inches up my leg . It was bleeding slightly and we hugged each other and cried . We ran outside and took a walk . This is what freaked me out ; there was no wind . We heard something tap the window because of the wind . There was no wind outside . Not even the slightest breeze . I cried really hard and said , " I have to live in that house ! " We walked back home and I remembered watching a show about ghosts and they said that animals see things we can 't ( particularly spirits ) , so I locked my dogs downstairs . We had left some grapes , popcorn , and beef jerky downstairs so I thought the dogs would run to the food , but instead they immediately started barking and growling at something ( I was standing outside the door listening ) I heard one of them cry so I opened the door and they ran and hid somewhere in my house and their tails were between their legs and their heads down . I was terrified . Once again , I felt burning on my arm . Like inside my arm . Like holding a block of ice to my arm and it 's so cold it burns . My friend , Paulina , put her hand by mine and said , " Whoa . " I asked her what and she said , " Your arm . . . It feels . . . . hot . " She placed her hand on my arm and quickly pulled it away , " It 's freezing cold when I touch it ! Amanda ! " It burned very badly . We hugged each other and fell asleep on my bed . So the next morning , right before she left , we heard her mom ring the doorbell . We were in my room and I definitely remember turning off the lights . I remember it 100 % . After she left , I went back upstairs and all my lights were on . I ran downstairs and here I am . I am scared I made a spirit angry because my arm is still throbbing . It was been over 24 hours of pure cold pain . I need help . Please , I beg of you , NEVER EVER use a Ouija board . For the love of God , don 't do it . Please . I messed up . I messed up really bad . In between other occurrences , one day in particular , I was home alone , cooking , I was actually cutting up potatoes when I heard a little kid 's voice say : " I like potatoes " . I turned around from my kitchen counter so quickly to see that no one else was home . I investigated outside to see if maybe someone was playing a joke on me , since there 're NO windows in my kitchen or near , NO ONE could actually see me cooking . I felt a little crazy , because I know what I heard , my body was so weak and I was frightened . As I watched the hair on my body stand up , I was at the same time so curious to know what had happened to me . Little did I know that this little voice was recorded on my house line answering machine . The phone never rang , and to hear my messages I usually have to press the button . Well , I didn 't find out the voice got recorded until 30 minutes later when my answering machine was beeping . I almost knew if I pressed the button I would hear the voice just because the phone never rang and it was a very strange situation . Soon enough after the fear left my body , I got the courage to play my only message that got recorded at the same time I was cutting up potatoes , saying " I like potatoes " . After this happened a lot of other occurrences came to mind , like the TV always going on and cartoons would be playing . I want to talk to someone that 's had experiences , that could be honest with me and help me feel , a little less crazy . Since I was 5 years old , I can actually say I 've had experiences with the dead . But not until now have I come to realize this hasn 't stopped , it never did . The recording happened about a month ago , nothing has recorded since , but the phone still goes on speaker phone on its own once in a while . The summer of 2007 , I was attending college and staying at my grandmother 's house in southern Alberta . I always had a scared feeling there at night ; I can 't explain it in any other way but fear . I had stayed there as a child and always had that feeling . I never seen anything to prior to the experience I am about to describe , but here goes . I was sitting up one night watching an episode of " Rome " on HBO and I looked towards the end of the hallway . I saw a white orb come out of the wall and go right up through the ceiling . I felt afraid but I tried to rationalize the experience in my head . When I went to bed that night , I saw something zoom past my backside in the dresser mirror of my bedroom . I think it may have been the same orb that I had witnessed earlier that evening . Again , I passed it off as me being tired and tried to rationalize . A few nights went by and I did not experience anything . A few nights later I was in poor spirits as my boyfriend had broken up with me . I was going to grab Kleenex from the washroom . It was dark , but I could see well . I was standing beside the bathroom door with my finger on the light switch . I couldn 't believe what I saw . Near the hallway towards the kitchen I had seen a figure . It was like a shadow or smoke , it was like a human figure and moved very slowly . It seemed as if it was walking away from me . When the figure noticed me , it started walking towards me and reached out to grab me ! I screamed and as I screamed it disappeared . I turned the bathroom light on and my grandmother came quick to see what was wrong . I didn 't tell her what I had seen as I did not want to scare her . I am unable to stay in that house to this day . I told my grandmother what I had seen in her house just this evening , she told me she was having trouble with her new neighbors and I had brought it up . She told me that when I was 5 or 6 , I told her I had seen a " Man " behind the dresser of the room I was staying in who looked like Grover from Sesame Street . I don 't recall this , but she swears it . That sure gives me the chills . Tina 's Here During the summer of 7th grade my cousin came over , with nothing better to do we decided to try the Ouija board we recently had bought . Right away the pointer started spelling something out ; when it was finished we realized it had spelled " T I N A " . The rest of the night we continued asking about Tina , finding out that she was 6 . About a year later we had forgotten about the Tina incident , but my friend Anna wanted to try the Ouija board after hearing about a murder that had taken place in her house . We gathered in Anna 's room , Marie , Jake , Anna , and I , with the board . We asked if anyone was with us and it said yes , when we asked who it spelled " T I N A " . Seeing that returned my memories of the night with my cousin , but I kept it to myself and removed my hand from the pointer . Without me it continued to give information about Tina , information that me and my cousin had already known but Anna , Marie , and Jake didn 't . Getting scared they all took their hands off of the pointer , but the moment they did the unplugged stereo started to play " Gives you hell " by All American Rejects . We ran out of there as fast as we could . Anna , Marie , Jake , and I kept on about the incident after that and decided we would try a séance to talk to Tina . We set up the candles around a table in a grove of cedar trees in the front yard , and started a chant we found online to " summon sprits " . The candles blew out all at once ( It was a warm humid summer night ) and we all got a feeling almost of dread , like we shouldn 't be there . We ran , leaving the paper behind . We went inside to talk about what had happened and about an hour in Jakes PSP started playing music , " Gives you Hell . " The thing was Jake never put that song on his PSP , in fact he hated All American Rejects . It also happened to be the song that went on in Anna 's room . When we came back later to get the candles we found the paper , torn in pieces and thrown around the trees even though no one had gone out there . My first and , fingers crossed , last experience with the paranormal occurred when I was just eleven years old and in Primary School . As I was in ' Year 6 ' the oldest year in first school , myself and a friend , Leigh , were given the great honour of being Library Monitors . This meant that we were entrusted with staying in the library during lunch and break times , keeping out younger children , tidying up etc . . . We kept our ' jobs ' for at least a month with no incidents , until one sunny afternoon , something happened that ensured we would resign from our positions immediately ! Firstly , I think I should briefly describe the layout of the library in order to get the full effect of the story . It is split up into two parts , one being non - fiction , the other fiction . Upon entering the library , you are in the non - fiction section , there are three round tables with chairs at the bottom which sit underneath a large window which stretches right across the wall , allowing a lot of sun into the room . The fiction area is a whole other room , separated from the non - fiction part through an arch way entrance in the wall . The entrance is completely open , with no covering such as a door . However , from the far end of the fiction section , where the bean bags and ' comfy ' where the chairs are , all that can be seen of the non - fiction area are the tables and chairs . It was lunchtime and Leigh and myself were sitting on the bean bags in the fiction section of the library , reading in silence when we clearly heard the library door slam . Now the library door , no matter the time of day , was always kept open , held in place by a wedge of wood as it was heavy and rather old . Needless to say , it created a huge bang , causing Leigh and myself to jump out of our skins . My immediate thought was children from the younger years joking around but this theory was scuppered when I remembered that dinner ladies stand at the entrance to the playground and did not permit any children going down the corridor during lunch . The only person it could be was a teacher or dinner lady as they were the only people with access to this area at this time . Leigh , by far the braver of the two of us , called out , " Is somebody there ? " Predictably , there was no answer . As we were in the fiction section we couldn 't see anything except the tables , certainly not as far as the door . It was then that the dragging started . The unmistakable sound of a person shuffling their feet heavily across the carpet . Leigh and myself were frozen with fear , and found ourselves even more terrified when heavy breathing was added to the dragging . The steps and breathing were coming closer to the archway and Leigh and myself braced ourselves for seeing something . However , it stopped right before whatever it was would have come into view . Leigh and I sat motionless and silent for at least two minutes , waiting for some demon to attack us . Mercifully , nothing did and after giving each other ' the nod ' leapt to our feet and raced out of the library hand in hand , without looking back . We didn 't stop running until we were outside on the playground , and then slumped on the hard gravel , hearts pumping . During the rest of lunch we discussed our terrifying encounter . We agreed that it couldn 't have been anyone playing a prank , as we would have heard them leaving the room after scaring us . Also , as the door was still closed when we bolted , we knew that we would have heard anyone opening it and then closing it behind them , no matter how quiet they were . To this day , neither of us have any clue what was in the library that day . We considered telling a teacher about our encounter but changed our minds , afraid of sounding mad . We simply handed in our library passes , citing that we missed playing during lunchtime and the position was bestowed on another unsuspecting duo . We didn 't tell the ' newbies ' of our experience and if anything unusual happened to them , they didn 't share either . During the last few months of school , Leigh and I stayed well away from the library as much as possible and I think when I left Primary School , I was glad to see the back of that library more than anything else ! |
Blog dedicated to my writing and whatever else I want : movies , games , books , electronics , music , . . . anything Jake . The interior of my mind is a mixture of grindhouse , steampunk , Lovecraft , and 80 's pop . Be very afraid . So this story began as an homage to Rio de Janeiro , where I served my mission . I love Rio . I love the Brazilian culture and Brazilian people . I really had all the makings of an upbeat , LDS short story . But I probably wouldn 't have pulled that off , so I wrote an odd story because I 'm an odd person . If you read it , I hope you like it . Whether you like it or not I would love some help with a title for it and any feedback you could give me . Conviction Steven opened his rust - flecked screen door with a bang and squinted into the bright noonday sun . Two young men , one portly , with a sun - reddened , baby face , the other tall with bushy , black eyebrows , took a synchronized half step backwards to avoid the door from swiping their shins . " Good morning Sir , " said the cherubic youth , wearing a dark brown suit and yellow tie . " We are representatives of Jesus Christ and we have a very special message for you . " Steven knew three things before the sales pitch continued - first , that the sweating , young man addressing him was new at his job , second that the two were most likely famished , and third , that even though it was an extremely bad idea , Steven would be inviting them into his home for lunch and discussion . Although it had been over fifteen years since Steven himself had been an LDS missionary , he could recognize the telltale darting eyes of a newbie a mile a way , even if he hadn 't seen the Elder 's snug , new suit and polished shoes . Steven knew that over the next 20 months of walking and riding bikes in Nevada , Elder Morse , as indicated by the small black plastic tag engraved with white lettering clipped to his lapel , would gradually loose his pudgy stomach and toughen up like a trail - worn cowboy . By contrast , Elder Leap , undoubtedly the senior companion , wore a sun - faded jacket that was opened exposing a toothpaste - spotted tie that stopped about an inch short of a pair of tan Dockers that definitely weren 't purchased the same day as the boy 's blue suit coat . Leap 's weathered Doc Martins looked like they had recently been given new soles and new laces that almost , but didn 't quite match the shoe . Hypothetically , Steven could assume that the boys were hungry . In Steven 's experience , 19 to 21 year old young men are always hungry - usually for food , but also for knowledge , competition , and the bodies of young women . Steven guessed that it was more than general youthful hunger , however , as the two on his doorstep were knocking doors well within the lunch hour . Steven remembered that he had gone without food for two reasons while on his mission : he and his companion denied themselves of food and water when they were seriously in need of spiritual guidance and when they were out of money for the month . Since it was July 27th the boys probably had been short - sighted in their budgeting and were hard up for cash . If asked , the two may say they were fasting so that the Lord would guide them to His elect , but it was likely they were killing two birds with one stone . Steven decided he wanted to see how the green missionary would do in a contact - situation , and decided to play along . He said , " I have seen people like you around before … aren 't you Jehovah 's Witnesses ? " Elder Morse swallowed with an audible gulp , gave a sideways glance to his senior companion then turned his attention to the area around Steven 's pantlegs and stammered quickly , " We are similar to other sects you may have had visit you , but we represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . We have devoted two years of our lives to this work - would you have a minute to spare to hear about our Heavenly Father 's plan for you and your family ? " Steven allowed his eyes to drift to the left to which he hoped would make the young man feel like he was loosing Steven 's attention . It worked , because Morse quickly blurted , " We aren 't paid to do this work . I thought you would want to know that . " Steven smiled and looked at Leap , who came to his companion 's rescue . " Have you had Mormon missionaries in your home before ? " Steven paused for a few seconds , stepped back a few feet , motioned the boys to come in and said , " Come on in Elders . " Steven 's front room was dim , but neat and organized . His furniture was a mixture of Swedish shelving and overstuffed sofas . He liked to keep his house cool in the Nevada heat and the low light gave the room a cave - like feel . The only real sign that Steven ever occupied the room was a large , ornate ashtray in the middle of the coffee table . Steven watched , amused , as Elder Morse glanced at the ashtray for several seconds , then at Steven , then looked away hurriedly . Steven turned on a brass lamp and motioned for the two missionaries to take a seat at one of the couches . After the boys were seated on the large , green corduroy sofa , Steven began , " I 'm actually a member of your church … at least I was many years ago . I suppose that my name is still on the Church 's records . " Elder Morse smiled , but his eyebrows rose in unmistakable surprise . Elder Leap only nodded for Steven to continue . Steven said , " I know that it is a little disappointing for you to discover a failed member of your church … it must make you feel like you are taking a step backwards … but I actually had a reason for letting you in . I just made a big pot of chili , and I thought you boys might like some … that is if you aren 't fasting today . " Steven was looking at Leap when he said it and was unsurprised that the senior companion began shaking his head slowly . Elder Morse , however , spurted , " Thanks ! That sounds great . " Leap shot his companion a dark look , but rather than giving them time to reach an agreement , Steven jumped to his feet and headed into the kitchen . After positioning TV trays in front of the two young men and filling the trays with large brimming bowls of black bean and steak chili , plates of buttered sourdough rolls and glass tumblers containing cream soda on ice , Steven sat on the adjoining sofa and popped the top of a Coors Light . Elder Leap , still wearing a pained expression over their broken fast , asked Steven if they could please bless the food . Steven smiled and said , " Sure … whatever . " After the blessing over the food ( given curtly by Elder Leap ) the two began poking at their chili . They started tentatively at first , but when Steven told them there was " plenty more where that came from " they dug in . After a few minutes of spoons clicking against bowls , Elder Morse , with a mouthful of steak asked , " So , how long have you been a member of the Church ? " The room grew silent enough to hear the pnematic wheeze of the air conditioner as it kicked back on . " Well , " he started , " I was born into the Mormon Church . I 'm actually a fourth generation Mormon and I was born in Salt Lake . Its funny , I 've had missionaries knock on my door before , but this is the first time I have spoken to Mormon missionaries in over 21 years . Normally I look out the window and just ignore them . In fact , the last time I spoke to an Elder , I was on my own mission in Brazil . " Steven didn 't bother waiting for the boys to question him . He knew from the puzzled looks on their faces that they would be a captive audience to his tale , even when their mouths weren 't chewing . My mission had all the heat of Nevada , but in Rio De Janeiro , Brazil , you have the added bonus of humidity . No contest between wet heat and dry heat . From the second I got off the airplane at the Santos Dumont airport , I started sweating , and really never stopped . In fact , I didn 't ever towel off in the mornings when I showered before leaving our apartment . . . I just put on my clothes wet . I figured I would be wet in a few minutes anyway , and at least it was clean water I was wet with , and not sweat . Normally , the only relief from sweating was the daily rainstorm that rolled around after lunch and seemed to be made up of drops the size of your thumb . And that was in the dry season ! In the rainy season the locals always asked us if we were made of sugar , because if we were , the rain falling practically all day , every day for months would surely be the end of us . The fact that we didn 't have cars and bikes like you guys in the states normally do didn 't help . Of course in Rio , there were so many people everywhere , it made a lot more sense walking because it was easier to get the word out . People made contact with you whether you wanted it or not . There are quite a few differences between Americans and Brazilians , but the most noticeable has to be the difference in the " personal bubble " . In the USA , if someone you know , like a friend , comes up to talk to you , they usually leave three feet or so between you when they talk to you . Brazilians , on the other hand , give you a good two feet max , and that 's when you first meet them . Anyway , my first area was outside the city of Rio in a quaint , almost European - like town called Itatiaia . From the cobblestone streets , to the architecture , to the green hillsides that surrounded it , the little town really wasn 't how I had imagined Rio , especially after horror stories about the crime and poverty I had heard in the Mission Training Center in Provo . My trainer and companion was a short , squat Brazilian from the Amazon a few years older than me . He was dark brown , had a lazy eye , and his name was Elder Pereira . Pereira was a quiet guy who talked very slow and walked very fast . He pushed me to memorize the discussions , a requisite for becoming a senior companion , and since there weren 't any other Americans anywhere around me , I learned to understand Portuguese very quickly . As the days and weeks went by I understood more about my companion . He had become a missionary exactly 1 year and one month from being baptized a member of the church . His father had come to his baptism only so he could see for himself that his oldest son was really going to leave the Baptist church against his wishes , and then when he did , to disown him . Pereira lived with LDS friends for the year before his mission , doing his best to absorb everything he could read about the church . He informed me that when he returned home he had a plan to become an electrician . When I inquired about his bad eye , he told me a story about something that happened when he was 4 years old . I couldn 't really understand it , but it had something to do with getting really sick . It was only after I had been in Brazil for about 3 months that people were just beginning to understand my Portuguese . Prior to this time , it was common for me to finish reading a whole page from the discussion material and look up , sweating and exonly to have someone say , " I didn 't understand anything this guy said . " We were teaching a few people around the city and things were going pretty well . One day we were told about a family by the name of Cardoso who were related by marriage to a church member named Valdir , and who lived a few miles out of town in an area everyone called Contorno . They had come to the church once with their relatives for a baby blessing or something and were interested in having the missionaries teach them . The first time we went out to the Cardoso house , Valdir came with us . We took a bus I had never been on before , and after 3 or 4 turns hit a very narrow road that wove its way up a small valley . After nearly 45 minutes , Valdir motioned for us to stand and then pulled the bus cord , buzzing the driver to stop . We dismounted the bus onto an orange dirt road , which was really little more than two side - by - side trails through the trees . We followed Valdir up the road which entered a thick green forest . After about 10 minutes of walking we came to a fork in the road . On the left , the road became a muddy , mucky version of the path we were on . On the right , the road narrowed even further and seemed to get choked out by vegetation altogether after a few hundred yards . Of course Valdir pointed us up the muddy path , and a few minutes later we came to his sister Maria 's white , brick house surrounded by chicken coops . After a nice first discussion sitting on overturned 5 - gallon buckets on the front porch , the Joao Cardoso asked us to stay for a dinner of pan - fried beef steak , black beans , collard greens cooked in bacon grease , and extremely sweet mango juice . They told us they would be happy to come to church on Sunday , and Elder Pereira scheduled a time to come back the following week . I have to say that the whole way down the trail and even the 40 minutes we waited for the bus , I was feeling very happy and excited about my mission and this adventure I was having in another country . I was feeling even a little cocky that my Portuguese was understood as well as it had been during the meeting with the Cardosos . When the bus finally arrived it was nearly dark . I sat near the window and as the bus started down the road , I looked to my left , back up the hill we had come down , and saw a light shining through the trees . I could tell it wasn 't the Cardoso home and asked Valdir if he knew who lived there . Valdir , who was already settling in to nap on the bus ride back to the station looked out to where I was pointing , turned back to mI remembered the following week when Elder Pereira and I headed up to the Cardoso home , so I pointed down the unkempt trail leading to the right at the fork in the road and said in my thick American accent , " What did Valdir say about that place ? " Pereira didn 't slow his pace at all and just said , " E ' um lugar mal , " which means , " It is a bad place . " I stopped and after about 5 or 6 steps Elder Pereira stopped and turned around . I told him he had to explain more to me . He said , " It is a place of Macumba , an evil place . " In the month or two before my mission I had read everything I could find about Rio and Brazil in general and I remembered something about Macumba being a religion that was a mixture of African voodoo and Catholism . I remembered back to something that happened my 3rd week in Brasil with Elder Pereira . We had been walking up one of the cobblestone sidewalks , heading to a lunch appointment when we came across what looked to be a full dinner that had been laid in the middle of the sidewalk . Pereira sidestepped quickly off the curb into the street to avoid the oddly placed meal as if were a sleeping homeless person , but I just walked up to it and stared at it , trying to figure out what it was . A red cloth had been laid down like a placemat and on it sat a large plate of food . There was a chicken breast , beans , rice and some kind of leafy green . There was a cup of what looked like red wine and a cigar sitting to the side of the plate . Elder Pereira came back to me and at first looked like he was going to try to explain the plate of food to me , but then seemed to change his mind , suspecting that I wouldn 't understand anything with 3 weeks of Portuguese , and just said to me , " Nao toca , e ' Macumba " or " Don 't touch , it 's Macumba . " I thought about asking the Cardosos about it , maybe working it into part of the conversation , but the second discussion is when we usually invite people to prepare to be baptized and I was a little nervous when it fell on me to ask them , it so I forgot to bring it up . After the discussion and another one of Maria Cardoso 's enormous lunches I was flying high . Not only had the Cardosos gone to church the past Sunday , but the man of the house , Joao Cardoso , actually interrupted me before I was able to ask them to be baptized , and asked ME what they needed to do to join our church . As we tromped down the trail after the discussion in the early afternoon heat , I felt so good I started to sing , " Unchained Melody " loudly , remembering Pereira had told me it was his favorite American song . I was just getting to " . . . and time , goes by , so slowly . . . " when suddenly I started to feel what I can only describe as complete dread . The strange thing was that it came on all at once . I went from feeling euphorically happy to feeling incredibly bad in just a few seconds . First I felt chilled , like we had walked into a cold pocket , then I had the sensation that someone was watching us . The way I stopped singing probably sounded like I was a radio with a volume dial being turned down . About 20 feet ahead , the fork in the road was visible . I was suddenly sure about two things right then : A woman was standing in the trees on the very fringe of my peripheral vision , and that if I turned my head to look at her something horrible would happen to us . This was a feeling , but it was so clear to me that it was almost like someone had spoken it in my mind . I couldn 't really make out details other than I could tell it was a woman . She seemed to be either a black woman , or a woman standing in shadows . The feeling of being watched was real , although I don 't know why I felt so terrified of her . Mind you , I was 19 years old and after 4 years of high school rugby was in pretty good shape , and not many people intimidated me . I remember thinking that wSteven sat up and looked at the boys ' TV trays , stood up , grabbed both bowls and left the room . He returned with two more heaping servings of the chili with another piece of thickly buttered bread perched atop each bowl . Setting the bowls down in front of the boys , he crossed the room , sat down again , and took a small pull from his beer . " Wait a minute , " said Morse . " Do you do you think that was a ghost , or a bad spirit or something ? " " No , it was just a woman . " Steven said . Leap asked , " Did you see the woman again ? " " I did , as a matter of fact . " Steven said . We talked it over the next few days . Elder Pereira told me that he felt something similar to the dark feeling I felt , but that he had seen no woman standing in the trees . He said that he felt bad inside as we walked near the fork in the road , so when I started running , he decided to run too . I specifically remember him saying that that he had felt " scared the way a child feels scared . " We talked about going back to the Cardosos . They were at a point right now that we needed to visit them regularly . They needed to hear four more discussions before they could be baptized . Pereira suggested that we ask them to come to the church in town to hear the discussions , but we knew they couldn 't afford the bus fare to do that once a week , and go to church on Sunday too . We discussed teaching them after church on Sunday , but after 3 hours of meetings their kids would be hungry and restless . I suggested that we call the Mission President and see what he thought , but Pereira thought we should call our Zone Leaders , Elder Taylor and Elder Block . We visited a few members we hadn 't seen in church until about 9 : 30 that night and when we figured Taylor and Block would be home for the night , we bought some pay phone tokens and called them . Elder Pereira proceeded to tell one of the ZL 's the story , although his account was so short I felt there was no way to do justice to how strange the experience had been . After listening for a while , saying , " Ta bom . " and hanging up , Pereira told me that they were coming to meet us at our apartment first thing the next morning . We had just sat down to eat our breakfast when they arrived . Taylor was an enormous Idaho farm kid with a flattop , a nose sunburn , and hands like oven mitts . Block , the senior companion was from Salt Lake me . All I really knew of Block was that he liked telling people that he was related on his mother 's side to Ezra Taft Benson , who was the President of the Church at the time . Taylor was big , but seemed to be shy and most comfortable looking and listening . When he spoke , his " lingua Portuguesa " didn 't sound like he was three months from reaching the end of his two year mission , in fact it sounded a little worse than mine . The two walked into our tiny , two room rental and while Taylor investigated the papaya and french bread set out for our breakfast , Block came over to me and started questioning me rapid - fire in English . Pereira , who couldn 't speak more than 5 or 6 English words looked uncomfortable . Block said , " OK , Elder Crenshaw , what 's the deal . Your comp said you guys thought someone wanted to hurt you when you were leaving an investigator 's house ? " I told him my story the best I could , but I started to get irritated as Block seemed to lose interest quickly . " So you saw a woman and felt a bad spirit ? " Block asked . " Well here 's the deal , we have a busy day scheduled so we need to do a split . I think Elder Taylor and your companion should go back to our area and visit the families we have scheduled there , and you and I can go talk to this woman . I 've had some experience with this kind of thing . " I could tell Elder Pereira wasn 't happy with this resolution and seemed to almost be irritated with me , like I had somehow orchestrated him out of the picture . He said nothing to me as Elder Taylor polished off our french bread , and we left for the bus station . All I got out of him was a muffled , " Tchau " when he and Taylor split up with us at the bus station entrance . I would probably have said more if I knew that was to be the last time I ever spoke to my softspoken companion . On 45 minute bus ride over , I was forced to hear Elder Block gloat about how he had become a senior companion in only 2 months because he was able to speak the language so proficiently . He also talked about the full ride scholarship he had to BYU , and of course , his favorite topic of how his mother 's 2nd cousin was Ezra Taft Benson 's niece or something . When I couldn 't stand it anymore I asked , " So you get together with him much ? " He pulled out a photo of a group of people and pointed to a man in the middle who looked kind of like President Benson , then to a woman holding a baby and said , " And that is me , right next to him . " He must have figured I wasn 't impressed , which I wasn 't , and we didn 't talk the rest of the bouncy bus ride . We got off the bus around 11am and walked to the fork in the road . As we approached it , it struck me once again how the trail on the right seemed to get more and more narrow , choked by vegetation to the point of disappearing . I suggested to Block that we go up to the Cardoso house first and ask them what they knew about their neighbors , but he wouldn 't hear it . He actually reminded me that he was senior companion , not to mention Zone Leader , and he would be making the decisions . I knew he was upset that I hadn 't been impressed by his family tree and I kind of kicked myself then and there for not being a little more political . He started up the path and I followed . After 2 or 3 minutes it did seem like the path had ended into a wall of green , but we pushed through a little further and found the trail again . When i realized noting was going to intercede or redirect us , I began to feel a heavy , sick feeling in my stomach . We continued on for about 15 minutes through the thick forest . The taller trees blocked the sunlight , and the shorter trees soaked us with their damp leaves . When we emerged into a muddy clearing I was hot , sweaty and itchy . The clearing was the sort of rural sprawl I had grown accustom to outside the city . It lead up to a pink house , the one I had seen from the road , that on closer inspection looked like it was built using a haphazard assortment of plywood and brick and painted over with some kind of pink paint that had run down the walls and into the dirt . To the left there was a squat barn with a pig pen in the front . Broken children 's toys and refuse littered every square inch of the muddy clearing . Black chickens roamed and pecked through the yard freely . There was a gnarled black root of a woman in a wooden rocking chair on the porch in front of the pink house . I tried to give my best doubtful look to Elder Block with the hopes we could get out of there , but he avoided my glance and started to pick his way towards the house . The woman made no indication that she had seen us , even when we mounted the first of the porch steps . Elder Block secured his bag between his knees leaving his hands free to clap a greeting , which is customary instead of knocking on the door in Brazil . The old woman did not look up , but after a few minutes a tall , skinny boy I put at maybe 14 or 15 in a pair of ratty shorts came out of the front door . He didn 't seemed very surprised to see us and asked us what we wanted . Block asked if the " Man of the house " was in . The kid rolled his white eyes and laughed and said , " Man of the house , that 's ME . " Block then asked the kid if his mother was home . Without taking his eyes off of us the kid tilted his head back a bit and shouted for his mom . At first we heard no sound coming from the inside of the house , then a soft scraping as a woman emerged from the shadows inside the house . The woman , who looked to be in her 40 's , was wearing a flowing , white skirt , a dark colored halter - top and sandals . Her straight , black hair framed her dark face and accentuated her large , white eyes . At once I felt an anxiety begin to creep into me . I knew that this was the same woman who had been watching me . I felt the same animosity seem to surround her like a cloud , and when she looked at me I could not meet her gaze for more than a few seconds . Elder Block must not have sensed anything , because he introduced us without hesitation and asked the woman her name . The woman pursed her lips and said that she was Dona Judith and she " knew very well who WE were . " Block seemed unphased by the statement . He told Dona Judith nonchalantly that we were teaching a family up the road , the Cardosos , and asked if she knew them . She said , " Claro " or of course . She laughed a light titter which made me break out in goose bumps and staring out from the hair that hung around her face , she held open the door and motioned for us to come into her home saying , " Entra . " Block walked right in , but I stood there for a moment . I looked from the young man sitting on the porch , who gave me a smirk , to the old woman in the rocking chair who stared out into the jungle , then back to the large white eyes of Judith . She said nothing , neither changed her expression , but I still felt like Hansel on the candy - house porch . I felt trapped , but I couldn 't see myself bolting down the porch steps , as much as I wanted to . For one thing , mission rules dictate that you stay with your companion always , for another , I was a little afraid of what Block would do if I up and ditched him . The room we were led into did nothing to soothe my anxiety . The furniture consisted of 3 wooden chairs and 2 benches made from planks stretched across stacks of orange brick . The floor was uneven cement . A TV that looked older than I was cast a green - tinted glare on the room . The green - tinted actress in the soap opera on the TV was crying and being soothed by a green - tinted shirtless man with a mustache . Shelves which lined all 4 walls of the room held statues and small paintings of saints . I was familiar with seeing Catholic saints in people 's homes . While paintings were the most common , I had entered a few homes with small shrine - like tables dedicated to statues of the Virgin Mary . Because the room was dim I assumed at first that this was more of the same , but there were so many of them compared to what I had seen , and all of them had a small white candle placed before them . Some of the candles had been burned and the wax had run and made small grey icicles before dripping down to the floor . Block had already taken a seat in one of the wooden chairs and I sat next to him . Dona Judith called for the boy , who 's name was Tiago , and directed him to bring the old woman in and join us . We waited as Tiago slowly led the stooped woman inside the home and across from us into the remaining chair before joining Judith on the bench . I remember wanting to tell Elder Block that I wasn 't feeling good and that I wanted to leave , but every time I started to do so , I felt Judith 's stare from across the room and I could not make myself speak because of it . Besides the dim lighting and the idols , some carven and crude and some elaborately painted and dressing cloth , the room had a smell to it that while not overpowering , was strong enough to give me the beginnings of a headache . I smelled farm smells , low and pungent below everything , but above it , food , the onion and bean smell I had become accustom to . Mingled with this was the scent of unwashed bodies which became stronger when Tiago brought in the old woman . An odor of illness wafted behind the old woman as she shuffled by , and looking down I saw that one of her feet was wrapped in old gauze , and a yellow patch of seepage could be seen near the ankle . The smell that bothered me the most in the house was an earthy , burnt smell , like dust cooking on a space - heater . I kept trying to get Block 's attention as Tiago and the old woman were taking a seat , but I was dismayed to see that his normally aggressive , engaged demeanor was gone . It was as if entering the house had stunned or shocked him in someway . He just kept staring at Judith with a blank look on his face . Normally I was the reserved one of any companionship , mostly because I the language was still pretty tough for me . Still , I tried to step up and take an active roll at this point if for no other reason than to get us out of there as quickly as possible . I asked Tiago if he played soccer . Tiago looked at Dona Judith and said nothing . I asked the old woman her name . She looked back at me with black glittering eye deep set in her wrinkled face but said nothing . Finally , in almost exasperation , I asked Dona Judith if we could give them a message about Jesus Christ and a Plan Our Heavenly Father has for her and her family . It was at this point that Dona Judith stood up very quickly and walked to the shelf nearest to her . She reached into the folds of her skirt and produced a box of wooden matches . Without a word she began lighting candle after candle , making her way around the room . I remember turning to Elder Block and saying , " We have to leave right now . " He continued to watch Dona Judith make her way around the room and made no sign of hearing me . I grabbed his arm nearest to me with both hands and said , " Elder . Elder ! " but he continued to ignore me expressionless . I stood up in a panic and looked at the doorway that would lead me back to the porch . I took 2 steps towards the exit when I heard a voice say in English , " Steven , you cannot leave . " I looked back and Judith was standing in the middle of the room and smiling an enormous smile , her teeth and white eyes glinting in the candlelight . Elder Block stood up and walked as if sleepwalking to Judith 's side , where he knelt down and placed his forehead on the cement floor at her feet . To my left the old woman began to speak low and so rapidly that I could not understandI still held my leather valise which contained my scriptures , 3 Book of Mormons , several pamphlets and a bus schedule . I threw the bag at Tiago , but threw it too hard and high and it hit the shelf behind him . Three candles went out as the bag struck them and the little statues behind them causing the whole mess to crash to the floor . I looked once more toward Elder Block who was still prostrate at Judith 's feet . I no longer felt worried about what he would do to me if I left him . From the little I could see on his face in the greenish glow of the TV , Elder Block had already left , however temporarily , I didn 't know . I crashed out the door and fell down the porch steps into the mud and muck . I scrambled to my feet in time to hear Dona Judith screech and to catch a glimpse of Tiago 's long brown legs and arms as he flashed out of the house after me . I sprinted through the wreck of a yard , scattering chickens as I ran and hurtled into the forest looking desperately for the trail . I heard Tiago , all grunts and footfalls only a few yards behind me and abandoned all thought of finding the trail . I ran desperately , jumping over rotted logs , zig - zagging around trees , but not so desperately that I ran wild . I had the idea that I was heading the right way generally so I focused all my effort on not slamming into a tree . Tiago , who was lank and lean with a runner 's body , and who undoubtedly knew this forest much better than I did , kept up with me and even began to gain . I started to imagine the feel of his knife piercing my side , and the painful stitch I was developing from running only reinforced this thought . I finally was able to calm my mind enough to realize that I needed to face Tiago before just that sort of thing happened . When I looked over my shoulder expecting to see him bearing down on me , there was no one there . I stopped and looked all around me in panic . I looked back the way I came and saw nothing . I bent over and put my hands on my knees and tried to slow my ragged breathing so I could listen for sounds of movement I heard nothing . Once again I looked back the way I came . Judith stood about 20 yards away like a statue , glaring at me , her face a mask of hate . I felt paralyzed by the dread of her presence . It wasn 't until I looked lower and saw her stained , white skirt and dripping hands that my paralysis broke . I ran from her . This time my running was in no way calculated or careful . I slammed my hip into a large boulder . I caught my foot in a gnarled root and just kept my balance enough to sprawl through a thorny bush . I ran until I finally emerged scratched and bleeding near the road and kept running down the middle of " That is pretty much the story , " Stephen said after a long pause . The two missionaries were glassy - eyed , hypnotized by the heavy lunch and Stephen 's tale . At some point Morse had picked up a yellow throw pillow off the couch and had set it in his lap . He was likely oblivious to the fact that he was now hugging it with both arms and resting his chin on it . Leap was sitting forward with a pained look on his face , as if he had just pulled a muscle in his back . " I ran down the road until an old truck came up behind me , " Stephen continued . " I tried to explain what happened to the driver but my Portuguese had pretty much left the building at that point . The man must have understood something because he dropped me off at the bus station in town , looking very relieved to part ways with this dirty , wild - eyed gringo . I called the mission president 's house from the bus station then sat under the bank of phones with my head against the wall for a long , long time . " " What happened to Elder Block ? " asked Elder Leap . " I have no idea , " Stephen replied . The mission president and 2 missionaries who worked in the office came to pick me up several hours later . I was so exhausted , both mentally and physically , that I honestly had lost all connection to the Portuguese language . It was as if the language being spoken around me was coming in from very far away and although it sounded familiar , I couldn 't make out much of it , and when I tried to speak it , the words simply would not come to me . As the three of them were Brazilian and spoke very little English , the President finally gave up and resolved to put me on a bus with one of the office Elders and gave us instructions to go to his apartment . I assumed the President was going to find Elder Pereira , my companion , and try to make sense of this . The bus ride took 3 hours , and during that time I began to feel sick . For the next 3 days I stayed in a bedroom at the Mission President 's apartment . I could hold no food down and developed a fever . I remember lying in a small fold - out cot , sweating and waking over and over from bad dreams . I remember the President waking me up at one point . He seemed mad at me and demanded I tell him what happened . When I didn 't even attempt the story he got angry and yelled at me in Portuguese and left . Later an American Elder from Salt Lake who had come to the mission on the same day as I did was sent in to speak to me . He asked several times what happened , and I almost told him , but I knew that if I told , there was a chance that I would have to go back to that house , so I said nothing except , " I want to go home right now Elder . Tell the President that I want to go home right now . " The President drove me to the airport in his car himself two days later . My fever was gone by that point and I had started eating again . We had nothing to say to each other on the ride there . I felt guilty for not saying anything , but I knew that what was done was done . I have to give him credit for putting his arm around me and telling me , " Boa Sorte " which means " Good Luck " as I headed up the to the gate . The plane flew direct for 8 hours to Ft . Worth , Texas where I had a two hour layover . The trip was uneventful except that at some point I fell asleep and dreamed of a pink house in the middle of the forest and I woke up screaming . As I sat in the Dallas Fort Worth Airport reflecting on the events of the prior week , something came over me . I sat in the hard , plastic chairs outside my boarding gate and felt compelled to repeat the the final words Dona Judith said to me over and over in my mind . " Because you are innocent , because you are weak . " I repeated this filthy mantra something clicked in my head . I knew right then I couldn 't go home . Not because I would be returning home in shame . It had nothing to do with pride . I couldn 't return home , because if I did , I would go back to feeling safe and continue being both innocent and weak . I decided I would never again put myself in a position that evil could take notice of me . I took my suitcase into a handicapped bathroom stall and changed into a pair of street clothes . Then I walked out of the airport , leaving my life , my family , my mission and the church behind . " You mean you 've never seen your family since ? " asked Morse . " No , " said Stephen . Elder Leap leaned forward in his chair and looked solemnly into Stephen 's eyes . He hid none of his disdain when he said , " So you are saying you left everything important in your life behind because you were scared ? " Stephen stood up and pointed at Leap . " What happened to judge not lest ye be not judged ? " he shouted . " You weren 't there . You didn 't see her eyes . So yes , I left everything . And just to be sure that I 'm not falling into the ' innocent ' category , I do things . I smoke and drink , not because I like it , although I guess it has become a habit now , but because it is a vice . I subscribe a pornographic web site that sends 2 videos and 5 photos to my email every day . I even steal a candy bar from the Top Stop now and then . " The boys rose to their feet and Morse shuffled backward towards the door . Leap started to follow his companion , then turned and said , " Ok , fine , let 's say we believe everything you told us . But why did you decide to tell this story to us now ? Why ? " Stephen walked past the boys and opened the door , letting in the hot , desert breeze . He stared into Elder Morse 's round face and large eyes and said , " I had to . You see last night Dona Judith appeared to me in a dream . She told me that you would be coming . She told me to feed you and tell you my story . She told me that if I did this one thing , she would forgive my trespass . She told me to tell the story and then tell " the fat one " that she sees him , that she or someone like her will come for him . Because he is innocent , because he is weak . " Elder Leap grabbed his companion 's hand and pulled him out of Stephen 's front door , down the sidewalk , and into the street . Stephen watched them go . He continued watching them walk down the street until they turned left on Grove Avenue and he could see them no more . When they were out of sight , Stephen shut his front door , put his hands over his face , and wept for a long time . AnonymousNovember 14 , 2009great story . so tell me about this story and the evil people and all of that . I know that Doug had his evil people on his mission . Are these from you mission ? CarolynReplyDeleteMomNovember 14 , 2009Son , I liked this story very much ! Of course I was not surprised at the ending because I 'm your mom and remember your writings growing up ! Your English teacher commented that your writing was very good and captivating , but always a little on the dark side . Keep it coming ! ! ReplyDeletejaniceNovember 15 , 2009I love your writing style . I also like that you don 't feel the need to make your stories have a " happy ending " . Please keep writing and posting ! ReplyDeleteGayleneNovember 15 , 2009I 'm glad I 'm not elder Morse . . . very captivating , and I want more , more stories from you ! ReplyDeleteErikaNovember 16 , 2009Jake , I really liked it . Completely absorbing , with a touch of the scarey in the style of ( Say thankee Sai ) the Master . I picture the title being something like " Under the Spell " or maybe some variation , that incorporates the - - albeit necessary - - indoctrination missionaries go thru ( I didn 't say " brainwashing , " but cry your pardon if you think I 'm alluding to it ) and the trance that overtook Taylor . I was left wanting to know much , much more about Steve , which says to me that this story has room for development . Even though Jana told me you were happy to be done with it , and that you thought it sounded " juvinile " I was just turned on . I think Steve should be fleshed out more , whether in this story or another , do it please ya . Long days and pleasant nights , - eReplyDeleteSheri Dickson WoodsonNovember 18 , 2009Geez , Jake , do you have to go all hearts and flowers on us ? That was a good read - maybe not such a good bedtime story though ( made for some interesting dreaming , lol ) ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Blog dedicated to my writing and whatever else I want : movies , games , books , electronics , music , . . . anything Jake . The interior of my mind is a mixture of grindhouse , steampunk , Lovecraft , and 80 's pop . Be very afraid . So this story began as an homage to Rio de Janeiro , where I served my mission . I love Rio . I love the Brazilian culture and Brazilian people . I really had all the makings of an upbeat , LDS short story . But I probably wouldn 't have pulled that off , so I wrote an odd story because I 'm an odd person . If you read it , I hope you like it . Whether you like it or not I would love some help with a title for it and any feedback you could give me . Conviction Steven opened his rust - flecked screen door with a bang and squinted into the bright noonday sun . Two young men , one portly , with a sun - reddened , baby face , the other tall with bushy , black eyebrows , took a synchronized half step backwards to avoid the door from swiping their shins . " Good morning Sir , " said the cherubic youth , wearing a dark brown suit and yellow tie . " We are representatives of Jesus Christ and we have a very special message for you . " Steven knew three things before the sales pitch continued - first , that the sweating , young man addressing him was new at his job , second that the two were most likely famished , and third , that even though it was an extremely bad idea , Steven would be inviting them into his home for lunch and discussion . Although it had been over fifteen years since Steven himself had been an LDS missionary , he could recognize the telltale darting eyes of a newbie a mile a way , even if he hadn 't seen the Elder 's snug , new suit and polished shoes . Steven knew that over the next 20 months of walking and riding bikes in Nevada , Elder Morse , as indicated by the small black plastic tag engraved with white lettering clipped to his lapel , would gradually loose his pudgy stomach and toughen up like a trail - worn cowboy . By contrast , Elder Leap , undoubtedly the senior companion , wore a sun - faded jacket that was opened exposing a toothpaste - spotted tie that stopped about an inch short of a pair of tan Dockers that definitely weren 't purchased the same day as the boy 's blue suit coat . Leap 's weathered Doc Martins looked like they had recently been given new soles and new laces that almost , but didn 't quite match the shoe . Hypothetically , Steven could assume that the boys were hungry . In Steven 's experience , 19 to 21 year old young men are always hungry - usually for food , but also for knowledge , competition , and the bodies of young women . Steven guessed that it was more than general youthful hunger , however , as the two on his doorstep were knocking doors well within the lunch hour . Steven remembered that he had gone without food for two reasons while on his mission : he and his companion denied themselves of food and water when they were seriously in need of spiritual guidance and when they were out of money for the month . Since it was July 27th the boys probably had been short - sighted in their budgeting and were hard up for cash . If asked , the two may say they were fasting so that the Lord would guide them to His elect , but it was likely they were killing two birds with one stone . Steven decided he wanted to see how the green missionary would do in a contact - situation , and decided to play along . He said , " I have seen people like you around before … aren 't you Jehovah 's Witnesses ? " Elder Morse swallowed with an audible gulp , gave a sideways glance to his senior companion then turned his attention to the area around Steven 's pantlegs and stammered quickly , " We are similar to other sects you may have had visit you , but we represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . We have devoted two years of our lives to this work - would you have a minute to spare to hear about our Heavenly Father 's plan for you and your family ? " Steven allowed his eyes to drift to the left to which he hoped would make the young man feel like he was loosing Steven 's attention . It worked , because Morse quickly blurted , " We aren 't paid to do this work . I thought you would want to know that . " Steven smiled and looked at Leap , who came to his companion 's rescue . " Have you had Mormon missionaries in your home before ? " Steven paused for a few seconds , stepped back a few feet , motioned the boys to come in and said , " Come on in Elders . " Steven 's front room was dim , but neat and organized . His furniture was a mixture of Swedish shelving and overstuffed sofas . He liked to keep his house cool in the Nevada heat and the low light gave the room a cave - like feel . The only real sign that Steven ever occupied the room was a large , ornate ashtray in the middle of the coffee table . Steven watched , amused , as Elder Morse glanced at the ashtray for several seconds , then at Steven , then looked away hurriedly . Steven turned on a brass lamp and motioned for the two missionaries to take a seat at one of the couches . After the boys were seated on the large , green corduroy sofa , Steven began , " I 'm actually a member of your church … at least I was many years ago . I suppose that my name is still on the Church 's records . " Elder Morse smiled , but his eyebrows rose in unmistakable surprise . Elder Leap only nodded for Steven to continue . Steven said , " I know that it is a little disappointing for you to discover a failed member of your church … it must make you feel like you are taking a step backwards … but I actually had a reason for letting you in . I just made a big pot of chili , and I thought you boys might like some … that is if you aren 't fasting today . " Steven was looking at Leap when he said it and was unsurprised that the senior companion began shaking his head slowly . Elder Morse , however , spurted , " Thanks ! That sounds great . " Leap shot his companion a dark look , but rather than giving them time to reach an agreement , Steven jumped to his feet and headed into the kitchen . After positioning TV trays in front of the two young men and filling the trays with large brimming bowls of black bean and steak chili , plates of buttered sourdough rolls and glass tumblers containing cream soda on ice , Steven sat on the adjoining sofa and popped the top of a Coors Light . Elder Leap , still wearing a pained expression over their broken fast , asked Steven if they could please bless the food . Steven smiled and said , " Sure … whatever . " After the blessing over the food ( given curtly by Elder Leap ) the two began poking at their chili . They started tentatively at first , but when Steven told them there was " plenty more where that came from " they dug in . After a few minutes of spoons clicking against bowls , Elder Morse , with a mouthful of steak asked , " So , how long have you been a member of the Church ? " The room grew silent enough to hear the pnematic wheeze of the air conditioner as it kicked back on . " Well , " he started , " I was born into the Mormon Church . I 'm actually a fourth generation Mormon and I was born in Salt Lake . Its funny , I 've had missionaries knock on my door before , but this is the first time I have spoken to Mormon missionaries in over 21 years . Normally I look out the window and just ignore them . In fact , the last time I spoke to an Elder , I was on my own mission in Brazil . " Steven didn 't bother waiting for the boys to question him . He knew from the puzzled looks on their faces that they would be a captive audience to his tale , even when their mouths weren 't chewing . My mission had all the heat of Nevada , but in Rio De Janeiro , Brazil , you have the added bonus of humidity . No contest between wet heat and dry heat . From the second I got off the airplane at the Santos Dumont airport , I started sweating , and really never stopped . In fact , I didn 't ever towel off in the mornings when I showered before leaving our apartment . . . I just put on my clothes wet . I figured I would be wet in a few minutes anyway , and at least it was clean water I was wet with , and not sweat . Normally , the only relief from sweating was the daily rainstorm that rolled around after lunch and seemed to be made up of drops the size of your thumb . And that was in the dry season ! In the rainy season the locals always asked us if we were made of sugar , because if we were , the rain falling practically all day , every day for months would surely be the end of us . The fact that we didn 't have cars and bikes like you guys in the states normally do didn 't help . Of course in Rio , there were so many people everywhere , it made a lot more sense walking because it was easier to get the word out . People made contact with you whether you wanted it or not . There are quite a few differences between Americans and Brazilians , but the most noticeable has to be the difference in the " personal bubble " . In the USA , if someone you know , like a friend , comes up to talk to you , they usually leave three feet or so between you when they talk to you . Brazilians , on the other hand , give you a good two feet max , and that 's when you first meet them . Anyway , my first area was outside the city of Rio in a quaint , almost European - like town called Itatiaia . From the cobblestone streets , to the architecture , to the green hillsides that surrounded it , the little town really wasn 't how I had imagined Rio , especially after horror stories about the crime and poverty I had heard in the Mission Training Center in Provo . My trainer and companion was a short , squat Brazilian from the Amazon a few years older than me . He was dark brown , had a lazy eye , and his name was Elder Pereira . Pereira was a quiet guy who talked very slow and walked very fast . He pushed me to memorize the discussions , a requisite for becoming a senior companion , and since there weren 't any other Americans anywhere around me , I learned to understand Portuguese very quickly . As the days and weeks went by I understood more about my companion . He had become a missionary exactly 1 year and one month from being baptized a member of the church . His father had come to his baptism only so he could see for himself that his oldest son was really going to leave the Baptist church against his wishes , and then when he did , to disown him . Pereira lived with LDS friends for the year before his mission , doing his best to absorb everything he could read about the church . He informed me that when he returned home he had a plan to become an electrician . When I inquired about his bad eye , he told me a story about something that happened when he was 4 years old . I couldn 't really understand it , but it had something to do with getting really sick . It was only after I had been in Brazil for about 3 months that people were just beginning to understand my Portuguese . Prior to this time , it was common for me to finish reading a whole page from the discussion material and look up , sweating and exonly to have someone say , " I didn 't understand anything this guy said . " We were teaching a few people around the city and things were going pretty well . One day we were told about a family by the name of Cardoso who were related by marriage to a church member named Valdir , and who lived a few miles out of town in an area everyone called Contorno . They had come to the church once with their relatives for a baby blessing or something and were interested in having the missionaries teach them . The first time we went out to the Cardoso house , Valdir came with us . We took a bus I had never been on before , and after 3 or 4 turns hit a very narrow road that wove its way up a small valley . After nearly 45 minutes , Valdir motioned for us to stand and then pulled the bus cord , buzzing the driver to stop . We dismounted the bus onto an orange dirt road , which was really little more than two side - by - side trails through the trees . We followed Valdir up the road which entered a thick green forest . After about 10 minutes of walking we came to a fork in the road . On the left , the road became a muddy , mucky version of the path we were on . On the right , the road narrowed even further and seemed to get choked out by vegetation altogether after a few hundred yards . Of course Valdir pointed us up the muddy path , and a few minutes later we came to his sister Maria 's white , brick house surrounded by chicken coops . After a nice first discussion sitting on overturned 5 - gallon buckets on the front porch , the Joao Cardoso asked us to stay for a dinner of pan - fried beef steak , black beans , collard greens cooked in bacon grease , and extremely sweet mango juice . They told us they would be happy to come to church on Sunday , and Elder Pereira scheduled a time to come back the following week . I have to say that the whole way down the trail and even the 40 minutes we waited for the bus , I was feeling very happy and excited about my mission and this adventure I was having in another country . I was feeling even a little cocky that my Portuguese was understood as well as it had been during the meeting with the Cardosos . When the bus finally arrived it was nearly dark . I sat near the window and as the bus started down the road , I looked to my left , back up the hill we had come down , and saw a light shining through the trees . I could tell it wasn 't the Cardoso home and asked Valdir if he knew who lived there . Valdir , who was already settling in to nap on the bus ride back to the station looked out to where I was pointing , turned back to mI remembered the following week when Elder Pereira and I headed up to the Cardoso home , so I pointed down the unkempt trail leading to the right at the fork in the road and said in my thick American accent , " What did Valdir say about that place ? " Pereira didn 't slow his pace at all and just said , " E ' um lugar mal , " which means , " It is a bad place . " I stopped and after about 5 or 6 steps Elder Pereira stopped and turned around . I told him he had to explain more to me . He said , " It is a place of Macumba , an evil place . " In the month or two before my mission I had read everything I could find about Rio and Brazil in general and I remembered something about Macumba being a religion that was a mixture of African voodoo and Catholism . I remembered back to something that happened my 3rd week in Brasil with Elder Pereira . We had been walking up one of the cobblestone sidewalks , heading to a lunch appointment when we came across what looked to be a full dinner that had been laid in the middle of the sidewalk . Pereira sidestepped quickly off the curb into the street to avoid the oddly placed meal as if were a sleeping homeless person , but I just walked up to it and stared at it , trying to figure out what it was . A red cloth had been laid down like a placemat and on it sat a large plate of food . There was a chicken breast , beans , rice and some kind of leafy green . There was a cup of what looked like red wine and a cigar sitting to the side of the plate . Elder Pereira came back to me and at first looked like he was going to try to explain the plate of food to me , but then seemed to change his mind , suspecting that I wouldn 't understand anything with 3 weeks of Portuguese , and just said to me , " Nao toca , e ' Macumba " or " Don 't touch , it 's Macumba . " I thought about asking the Cardosos about it , maybe working it into part of the conversation , but the second discussion is when we usually invite people to prepare to be baptized and I was a little nervous when it fell on me to ask them , it so I forgot to bring it up . After the discussion and another one of Maria Cardoso 's enormous lunches I was flying high . Not only had the Cardosos gone to church the past Sunday , but the man of the house , Joao Cardoso , actually interrupted me before I was able to ask them to be baptized , and asked ME what they needed to do to join our church . As we tromped down the trail after the discussion in the early afternoon heat , I felt so good I started to sing , " Unchained Melody " loudly , remembering Pereira had told me it was his favorite American song . I was just getting to " . . . and time , goes by , so slowly . . . " when suddenly I started to feel what I can only describe as complete dread . The strange thing was that it came on all at once . I went from feeling euphorically happy to feeling incredibly bad in just a few seconds . First I felt chilled , like we had walked into a cold pocket , then I had the sensation that someone was watching us . The way I stopped singing probably sounded like I was a radio with a volume dial being turned down . About 20 feet ahead , the fork in the road was visible . I was suddenly sure about two things right then : A woman was standing in the trees on the very fringe of my peripheral vision , and that if I turned my head to look at her something horrible would happen to us . This was a feeling , but it was so clear to me that it was almost like someone had spoken it in my mind . I couldn 't really make out details other than I could tell it was a woman . She seemed to be either a black woman , or a woman standing in shadows . The feeling of being watched was real , although I don 't know why I felt so terrified of her . Mind you , I was 19 years old and after 4 years of high school rugby was in pretty good shape , and not many people intimidated me . I remember thinking that wSteven sat up and looked at the boys ' TV trays , stood up , grabbed both bowls and left the room . He returned with two more heaping servings of the chili with another piece of thickly buttered bread perched atop each bowl . Setting the bowls down in front of the boys , he crossed the room , sat down again , and took a small pull from his beer . " Wait a minute , " said Morse . " Do you do you think that was a ghost , or a bad spirit or something ? " " No , it was just a woman . " Steven said . Leap asked , " Did you see the woman again ? " " I did , as a matter of fact . " Steven said . We talked it over the next few days . Elder Pereira told me that he felt something similar to the dark feeling I felt , but that he had seen no woman standing in the trees . He said that he felt bad inside as we walked near the fork in the road , so when I started running , he decided to run too . I specifically remember him saying that that he had felt " scared the way a child feels scared . " We talked about going back to the Cardosos . They were at a point right now that we needed to visit them regularly . They needed to hear four more discussions before they could be baptized . Pereira suggested that we ask them to come to the church in town to hear the discussions , but we knew they couldn 't afford the bus fare to do that once a week , and go to church on Sunday too . We discussed teaching them after church on Sunday , but after 3 hours of meetings their kids would be hungry and restless . I suggested that we call the Mission President and see what he thought , but Pereira thought we should call our Zone Leaders , Elder Taylor and Elder Block . We visited a few members we hadn 't seen in church until about 9 : 30 that night and when we figured Taylor and Block would be home for the night , we bought some pay phone tokens and called them . Elder Pereira proceeded to tell one of the ZL 's the story , although his account was so short I felt there was no way to do justice to how strange the experience had been . After listening for a while , saying , " Ta bom . " and hanging up , Pereira told me that they were coming to meet us at our apartment first thing the next morning . We had just sat down to eat our breakfast when they arrived . Taylor was an enormous Idaho farm kid with a flattop , a nose sunburn , and hands like oven mitts . Block , the senior companion was from Salt Lake me . All I really knew of Block was that he liked telling people that he was related on his mother 's side to Ezra Taft Benson , who was the President of the Church at the time . Taylor was big , but seemed to be shy and most comfortable looking and listening . When he spoke , his " lingua Portuguesa " didn 't sound like he was three months from reaching the end of his two year mission , in fact it sounded a little worse than mine . The two walked into our tiny , two room rental and while Taylor investigated the papaya and french bread set out for our breakfast , Block came over to me and started questioning me rapid - fire in English . Pereira , who couldn 't speak more than 5 or 6 English words looked uncomfortable . Block said , " OK , Elder Crenshaw , what 's the deal . Your comp said you guys thought someone wanted to hurt you when you were leaving an investigator 's house ? " I told him my story the best I could , but I started to get irritated as Block seemed to lose interest quickly . " So you saw a woman and felt a bad spirit ? " Block asked . " Well here 's the deal , we have a busy day scheduled so we need to do a split . I think Elder Taylor and your companion should go back to our area and visit the families we have scheduled there , and you and I can go talk to this woman . I 've had some experience with this kind of thing . " I could tell Elder Pereira wasn 't happy with this resolution and seemed to almost be irritated with me , like I had somehow orchestrated him out of the picture . He said nothing to me as Elder Taylor polished off our french bread , and we left for the bus station . All I got out of him was a muffled , " Tchau " when he and Taylor split up with us at the bus station entrance . I would probably have said more if I knew that was to be the last time I ever spoke to my softspoken companion . On 45 minute bus ride over , I was forced to hear Elder Block gloat about how he had become a senior companion in only 2 months because he was able to speak the language so proficiently . He also talked about the full ride scholarship he had to BYU , and of course , his favorite topic of how his mother 's 2nd cousin was Ezra Taft Benson 's niece or something . When I couldn 't stand it anymore I asked , " So you get together with him much ? " He pulled out a photo of a group of people and pointed to a man in the middle who looked kind of like President Benson , then to a woman holding a baby and said , " And that is me , right next to him . " He must have figured I wasn 't impressed , which I wasn 't , and we didn 't talk the rest of the bouncy bus ride . We got off the bus around 11am and walked to the fork in the road . As we approached it , it struck me once again how the trail on the right seemed to get more and more narrow , choked by vegetation to the point of disappearing . I suggested to Block that we go up to the Cardoso house first and ask them what they knew about their neighbors , but he wouldn 't hear it . He actually reminded me that he was senior companion , not to mention Zone Leader , and he would be making the decisions . I knew he was upset that I hadn 't been impressed by his family tree and I kind of kicked myself then and there for not being a little more political . He started up the path and I followed . After 2 or 3 minutes it did seem like the path had ended into a wall of green , but we pushed through a little further and found the trail again . When i realized noting was going to intercede or redirect us , I began to feel a heavy , sick feeling in my stomach . We continued on for about 15 minutes through the thick forest . The taller trees blocked the sunlight , and the shorter trees soaked us with their damp leaves . When we emerged into a muddy clearing I was hot , sweaty and itchy . The clearing was the sort of rural sprawl I had grown accustom to outside the city . It lead up to a pink house , the one I had seen from the road , that on closer inspection looked like it was built using a haphazard assortment of plywood and brick and painted over with some kind of pink paint that had run down the walls and into the dirt . To the left there was a squat barn with a pig pen in the front . Broken children 's toys and refuse littered every square inch of the muddy clearing . Black chickens roamed and pecked through the yard freely . There was a gnarled black root of a woman in a wooden rocking chair on the porch in front of the pink house . I tried to give my best doubtful look to Elder Block with the hopes we could get out of there , but he avoided my glance and started to pick his way towards the house . The woman made no indication that she had seen us , even when we mounted the first of the porch steps . Elder Block secured his bag between his knees leaving his hands free to clap a greeting , which is customary instead of knocking on the door in Brazil . The old woman did not look up , but after a few minutes a tall , skinny boy I put at maybe 14 or 15 in a pair of ratty shorts came out of the front door . He didn 't seemed very surprised to see us and asked us what we wanted . Block asked if the " Man of the house " was in . The kid rolled his white eyes and laughed and said , " Man of the house , that 's ME . " Block then asked the kid if his mother was home . Without taking his eyes off of us the kid tilted his head back a bit and shouted for his mom . At first we heard no sound coming from the inside of the house , then a soft scraping as a woman emerged from the shadows inside the house . The woman , who looked to be in her 40 's , was wearing a flowing , white skirt , a dark colored halter - top and sandals . Her straight , black hair framed her dark face and accentuated her large , white eyes . At once I felt an anxiety begin to creep into me . I knew that this was the same woman who had been watching me . I felt the same animosity seem to surround her like a cloud , and when she looked at me I could not meet her gaze for more than a few seconds . Elder Block must not have sensed anything , because he introduced us without hesitation and asked the woman her name . The woman pursed her lips and said that she was Dona Judith and she " knew very well who WE were . " Block seemed unphased by the statement . He told Dona Judith nonchalantly that we were teaching a family up the road , the Cardosos , and asked if she knew them . She said , " Claro " or of course . She laughed a light titter which made me break out in goose bumps and staring out from the hair that hung around her face , she held open the door and motioned for us to come into her home saying , " Entra . " Block walked right in , but I stood there for a moment . I looked from the young man sitting on the porch , who gave me a smirk , to the old woman in the rocking chair who stared out into the jungle , then back to the large white eyes of Judith . She said nothing , neither changed her expression , but I still felt like Hansel on the candy - house porch . I felt trapped , but I couldn 't see myself bolting down the porch steps , as much as I wanted to . For one thing , mission rules dictate that you stay with your companion always , for another , I was a little afraid of what Block would do if I up and ditched him . The room we were led into did nothing to soothe my anxiety . The furniture consisted of 3 wooden chairs and 2 benches made from planks stretched across stacks of orange brick . The floor was uneven cement . A TV that looked older than I was cast a green - tinted glare on the room . The green - tinted actress in the soap opera on the TV was crying and being soothed by a green - tinted shirtless man with a mustache . Shelves which lined all 4 walls of the room held statues and small paintings of saints . I was familiar with seeing Catholic saints in people 's homes . While paintings were the most common , I had entered a few homes with small shrine - like tables dedicated to statues of the Virgin Mary . Because the room was dim I assumed at first that this was more of the same , but there were so many of them compared to what I had seen , and all of them had a small white candle placed before them . Some of the candles had been burned and the wax had run and made small grey icicles before dripping down to the floor . Block had already taken a seat in one of the wooden chairs and I sat next to him . Dona Judith called for the boy , who 's name was Tiago , and directed him to bring the old woman in and join us . We waited as Tiago slowly led the stooped woman inside the home and across from us into the remaining chair before joining Judith on the bench . I remember wanting to tell Elder Block that I wasn 't feeling good and that I wanted to leave , but every time I started to do so , I felt Judith 's stare from across the room and I could not make myself speak because of it . Besides the dim lighting and the idols , some carven and crude and some elaborately painted and dressing cloth , the room had a smell to it that while not overpowering , was strong enough to give me the beginnings of a headache . I smelled farm smells , low and pungent below everything , but above it , food , the onion and bean smell I had become accustom to . Mingled with this was the scent of unwashed bodies which became stronger when Tiago brought in the old woman . An odor of illness wafted behind the old woman as she shuffled by , and looking down I saw that one of her feet was wrapped in old gauze , and a yellow patch of seepage could be seen near the ankle . The smell that bothered me the most in the house was an earthy , burnt smell , like dust cooking on a space - heater . I kept trying to get Block 's attention as Tiago and the old woman were taking a seat , but I was dismayed to see that his normally aggressive , engaged demeanor was gone . It was as if entering the house had stunned or shocked him in someway . He just kept staring at Judith with a blank look on his face . Normally I was the reserved one of any companionship , mostly because I the language was still pretty tough for me . Still , I tried to step up and take an active roll at this point if for no other reason than to get us out of there as quickly as possible . I asked Tiago if he played soccer . Tiago looked at Dona Judith and said nothing . I asked the old woman her name . She looked back at me with black glittering eye deep set in her wrinkled face but said nothing . Finally , in almost exasperation , I asked Dona Judith if we could give them a message about Jesus Christ and a Plan Our Heavenly Father has for her and her family . It was at this point that Dona Judith stood up very quickly and walked to the shelf nearest to her . She reached into the folds of her skirt and produced a box of wooden matches . Without a word she began lighting candle after candle , making her way around the room . I remember turning to Elder Block and saying , " We have to leave right now . " He continued to watch Dona Judith make her way around the room and made no sign of hearing me . I grabbed his arm nearest to me with both hands and said , " Elder . Elder ! " but he continued to ignore me expressionless . I stood up in a panic and looked at the doorway that would lead me back to the porch . I took 2 steps towards the exit when I heard a voice say in English , " Steven , you cannot leave . " I looked back and Judith was standing in the middle of the room and smiling an enormous smile , her teeth and white eyes glinting in the candlelight . Elder Block stood up and walked as if sleepwalking to Judith 's side , where he knelt down and placed his forehead on the cement floor at her feet . To my left the old woman began to speak low and so rapidly that I could not understandI still held my leather valise which contained my scriptures , 3 Book of Mormons , several pamphlets and a bus schedule . I threw the bag at Tiago , but threw it too hard and high and it hit the shelf behind him . Three candles went out as the bag struck them and the little statues behind them causing the whole mess to crash to the floor . I looked once more toward Elder Block who was still prostrate at Judith 's feet . I no longer felt worried about what he would do to me if I left him . From the little I could see on his face in the greenish glow of the TV , Elder Block had already left , however temporarily , I didn 't know . I crashed out the door and fell down the porch steps into the mud and muck . I scrambled to my feet in time to hear Dona Judith screech and to catch a glimpse of Tiago 's long brown legs and arms as he flashed out of the house after me . I sprinted through the wreck of a yard , scattering chickens as I ran and hurtled into the forest looking desperately for the trail . I heard Tiago , all grunts and footfalls only a few yards behind me and abandoned all thought of finding the trail . I ran desperately , jumping over rotted logs , zig - zagging around trees , but not so desperately that I ran wild . I had the idea that I was heading the right way generally so I focused all my effort on not slamming into a tree . Tiago , who was lank and lean with a runner 's body , and who undoubtedly knew this forest much better than I did , kept up with me and even began to gain . I started to imagine the feel of his knife piercing my side , and the painful stitch I was developing from running only reinforced this thought . I finally was able to calm my mind enough to realize that I needed to face Tiago before just that sort of thing happened . When I looked over my shoulder expecting to see him bearing down on me , there was no one there . I stopped and looked all around me in panic . I looked back the way I came and saw nothing . I bent over and put my hands on my knees and tried to slow my ragged breathing so I could listen for sounds of movement I heard nothing . Once again I looked back the way I came . Judith stood about 20 yards away like a statue , glaring at me , her face a mask of hate . I felt paralyzed by the dread of her presence . It wasn 't until I looked lower and saw her stained , white skirt and dripping hands that my paralysis broke . I ran from her . This time my running was in no way calculated or careful . I slammed my hip into a large boulder . I caught my foot in a gnarled root and just kept my balance enough to sprawl through a thorny bush . I ran until I finally emerged scratched and bleeding near the road and kept running down the middle of " That is pretty much the story , " Stephen said after a long pause . The two missionaries were glassy - eyed , hypnotized by the heavy lunch and Stephen 's tale . At some point Morse had picked up a yellow throw pillow off the couch and had set it in his lap . He was likely oblivious to the fact that he was now hugging it with both arms and resting his chin on it . Leap was sitting forward with a pained look on his face , as if he had just pulled a muscle in his back . " I ran down the road until an old truck came up behind me , " Stephen continued . " I tried to explain what happened to the driver but my Portuguese had pretty much left the building at that point . The man must have understood something because he dropped me off at the bus station in town , looking very relieved to part ways with this dirty , wild - eyed gringo . I called the mission president 's house from the bus station then sat under the bank of phones with my head against the wall for a long , long time . " " What happened to Elder Block ? " asked Elder Leap . " I have no idea , " Stephen replied . The mission president and 2 missionaries who worked in the office came to pick me up several hours later . I was so exhausted , both mentally and physically , that I honestly had lost all connection to the Portuguese language . It was as if the language being spoken around me was coming in from very far away and although it sounded familiar , I couldn 't make out much of it , and when I tried to speak it , the words simply would not come to me . As the three of them were Brazilian and spoke very little English , the President finally gave up and resolved to put me on a bus with one of the office Elders and gave us instructions to go to his apartment . I assumed the President was going to find Elder Pereira , my companion , and try to make sense of this . The bus ride took 3 hours , and during that time I began to feel sick . For the next 3 days I stayed in a bedroom at the Mission President 's apartment . I could hold no food down and developed a fever . I remember lying in a small fold - out cot , sweating and waking over and over from bad dreams . I remember the President waking me up at one point . He seemed mad at me and demanded I tell him what happened . When I didn 't even attempt the story he got angry and yelled at me in Portuguese and left . Later an American Elder from Salt Lake who had come to the mission on the same day as I did was sent in to speak to me . He asked several times what happened , and I almost told him , but I knew that if I told , there was a chance that I would have to go back to that house , so I said nothing except , " I want to go home right now Elder . Tell the President that I want to go home right now . " The President drove me to the airport in his car himself two days later . My fever was gone by that point and I had started eating again . We had nothing to say to each other on the ride there . I felt guilty for not saying anything , but I knew that what was done was done . I have to give him credit for putting his arm around me and telling me , " Boa Sorte " which means " Good Luck " as I headed up the to the gate . The plane flew direct for 8 hours to Ft . Worth , Texas where I had a two hour layover . The trip was uneventful except that at some point I fell asleep and dreamed of a pink house in the middle of the forest and I woke up screaming . As I sat in the Dallas Fort Worth Airport reflecting on the events of the prior week , something came over me . I sat in the hard , plastic chairs outside my boarding gate and felt compelled to repeat the the final words Dona Judith said to me over and over in my mind . " Because you are innocent , because you are weak . " I repeated this filthy mantra something clicked in my head . I knew right then I couldn 't go home . Not because I would be returning home in shame . It had nothing to do with pride . I couldn 't return home , because if I did , I would go back to feeling safe and continue being both innocent and weak . I decided I would never again put myself in a position that evil could take notice of me . I took my suitcase into a handicapped bathroom stall and changed into a pair of street clothes . Then I walked out of the airport , leaving my life , my family , my mission and the church behind . " You mean you 've never seen your family since ? " asked Morse . " No , " said Stephen . Elder Leap leaned forward in his chair and looked solemnly into Stephen 's eyes . He hid none of his disdain when he said , " So you are saying you left everything important in your life behind because you were scared ? " Stephen stood up and pointed at Leap . " What happened to judge not lest ye be not judged ? " he shouted . " You weren 't there . You didn 't see her eyes . So yes , I left everything . And just to be sure that I 'm not falling into the ' innocent ' category , I do things . I smoke and drink , not because I like it , although I guess it has become a habit now , but because it is a vice . I subscribe a pornographic web site that sends 2 videos and 5 photos to my email every day . I even steal a candy bar from the Top Stop now and then . " The boys rose to their feet and Morse shuffled backward towards the door . Leap started to follow his companion , then turned and said , " Ok , fine , let 's say we believe everything you told us . But why did you decide to tell this story to us now ? Why ? " Stephen walked past the boys and opened the door , letting in the hot , desert breeze . He stared into Elder Morse 's round face and large eyes and said , " I had to . You see last night Dona Judith appeared to me in a dream . She told me that you would be coming . She told me to feed you and tell you my story . She told me that if I did this one thing , she would forgive my trespass . She told me to tell the story and then tell " the fat one " that she sees him , that she or someone like her will come for him . Because he is innocent , because he is weak . " Elder Leap grabbed his companion 's hand and pulled him out of Stephen 's front door , down the sidewalk , and into the street . Stephen watched them go . He continued watching them walk down the street until they turned left on Grove Avenue and he could see them no more . When they were out of sight , Stephen shut his front door , put his hands over his face , and wept for a long time . AnonymousNovember 14 , 2009great story . so tell me about this story and the evil people and all of that . I know that Doug had his evil people on his mission . Are these from you mission ? CarolynReplyDeleteMomNovember 14 , 2009Son , I liked this story very much ! Of course I was not surprised at the ending because I 'm your mom and remember your writings growing up ! Your English teacher commented that your writing was very good and captivating , but always a little on the dark side . Keep it coming ! ! ReplyDeletejaniceNovember 15 , 2009I love your writing style . I also like that you don 't feel the need to make your stories have a " happy ending " . Please keep writing and posting ! ReplyDeleteGayleneNovember 15 , 2009I 'm glad I 'm not elder Morse . . . very captivating , and I want more , more stories from you ! ReplyDeleteErikaNovember 16 , 2009Jake , I really liked it . Completely absorbing , with a touch of the scarey in the style of ( Say thankee Sai ) the Master . I picture the title being something like " Under the Spell " or maybe some variation , that incorporates the - - albeit necessary - - indoctrination missionaries go thru ( I didn 't say " brainwashing , " but cry your pardon if you think I 'm alluding to it ) and the trance that overtook Taylor . I was left wanting to know much , much more about Steve , which says to me that this story has room for development . Even though Jana told me you were happy to be done with it , and that you thought it sounded " juvinile " I was just turned on . I think Steve should be fleshed out more , whether in this story or another , do it please ya . Long days and pleasant nights , - eReplyDeleteSheri Dickson WoodsonNovember 18 , 2009Geez , Jake , do you have to go all hearts and flowers on us ? That was a good read - maybe not such a good bedtime story though ( made for some interesting dreaming , lol ) ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Blog dedicated to my writing and whatever else I want : movies , games , books , electronics , music , . . . anything Jake . The interior of my mind is a mixture of grindhouse , steampunk , Lovecraft , and 80 's pop . Be very afraid . So this story began as an homage to Rio de Janeiro , where I served my mission . I love Rio . I love the Brazilian culture and Brazilian people . I really had all the makings of an upbeat , LDS short story . But I probably wouldn 't have pulled that off , so I wrote an odd story because I 'm an odd person . If you read it , I hope you like it . Whether you like it or not I would love some help with a title for it and any feedback you could give me . Conviction Steven opened his rust - flecked screen door with a bang and squinted into the bright noonday sun . Two young men , one portly , with a sun - reddened , baby face , the other tall with bushy , black eyebrows , took a synchronized half step backwards to avoid the door from swiping their shins . " Good morning Sir , " said the cherubic youth , wearing a dark brown suit and yellow tie . " We are representatives of Jesus Christ and we have a very special message for you . " Steven knew three things before the sales pitch continued - first , that the sweating , young man addressing him was new at his job , second that the two were most likely famished , and third , that even though it was an extremely bad idea , Steven would be inviting them into his home for lunch and discussion . Although it had been over fifteen years since Steven himself had been an LDS missionary , he could recognize the telltale darting eyes of a newbie a mile a way , even if he hadn 't seen the Elder 's snug , new suit and polished shoes . Steven knew that over the next 20 months of walking and riding bikes in Nevada , Elder Morse , as indicated by the small black plastic tag engraved with white lettering clipped to his lapel , would gradually loose his pudgy stomach and toughen up like a trail - worn cowboy . By contrast , Elder Leap , undoubtedly the senior companion , wore a sun - faded jacket that was opened exposing a toothpaste - spotted tie that stopped about an inch short of a pair of tan Dockers that definitely weren 't purchased the same day as the boy 's blue suit coat . Leap 's weathered Doc Martins looked like they had recently been given new soles and new laces that almost , but didn 't quite match the shoe . Hypothetically , Steven could assume that the boys were hungry . In Steven 's experience , 19 to 21 year old young men are always hungry - usually for food , but also for knowledge , competition , and the bodies of young women . Steven guessed that it was more than general youthful hunger , however , as the two on his doorstep were knocking doors well within the lunch hour . Steven remembered that he had gone without food for two reasons while on his mission : he and his companion denied themselves of food and water when they were seriously in need of spiritual guidance and when they were out of money for the month . Since it was July 27th the boys probably had been short - sighted in their budgeting and were hard up for cash . If asked , the two may say they were fasting so that the Lord would guide them to His elect , but it was likely they were killing two birds with one stone . Steven decided he wanted to see how the green missionary would do in a contact - situation , and decided to play along . He said , " I have seen people like you around before … aren 't you Jehovah 's Witnesses ? " Elder Morse swallowed with an audible gulp , gave a sideways glance to his senior companion then turned his attention to the area around Steven 's pantlegs and stammered quickly , " We are similar to other sects you may have had visit you , but we represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . We have devoted two years of our lives to this work - would you have a minute to spare to hear about our Heavenly Father 's plan for you and your family ? " Steven allowed his eyes to drift to the left to which he hoped would make the young man feel like he was loosing Steven 's attention . It worked , because Morse quickly blurted , " We aren 't paid to do this work . I thought you would want to know that . " Steven smiled and looked at Leap , who came to his companion 's rescue . " Have you had Mormon missionaries in your home before ? " Steven paused for a few seconds , stepped back a few feet , motioned the boys to come in and said , " Come on in Elders . " Steven 's front room was dim , but neat and organized . His furniture was a mixture of Swedish shelving and overstuffed sofas . He liked to keep his house cool in the Nevada heat and the low light gave the room a cave - like feel . The only real sign that Steven ever occupied the room was a large , ornate ashtray in the middle of the coffee table . Steven watched , amused , as Elder Morse glanced at the ashtray for several seconds , then at Steven , then looked away hurriedly . Steven turned on a brass lamp and motioned for the two missionaries to take a seat at one of the couches . After the boys were seated on the large , green corduroy sofa , Steven began , " I 'm actually a member of your church … at least I was many years ago . I suppose that my name is still on the Church 's records . " Elder Morse smiled , but his eyebrows rose in unmistakable surprise . Elder Leap only nodded for Steven to continue . Steven said , " I know that it is a little disappointing for you to discover a failed member of your church … it must make you feel like you are taking a step backwards … but I actually had a reason for letting you in . I just made a big pot of chili , and I thought you boys might like some … that is if you aren 't fasting today . " Steven was looking at Leap when he said it and was unsurprised that the senior companion began shaking his head slowly . Elder Morse , however , spurted , " Thanks ! That sounds great . " Leap shot his companion a dark look , but rather than giving them time to reach an agreement , Steven jumped to his feet and headed into the kitchen . After positioning TV trays in front of the two young men and filling the trays with large brimming bowls of black bean and steak chili , plates of buttered sourdough rolls and glass tumblers containing cream soda on ice , Steven sat on the adjoining sofa and popped the top of a Coors Light . Elder Leap , still wearing a pained expression over their broken fast , asked Steven if they could please bless the food . Steven smiled and said , " Sure … whatever . " After the blessing over the food ( given curtly by Elder Leap ) the two began poking at their chili . They started tentatively at first , but when Steven told them there was " plenty more where that came from " they dug in . After a few minutes of spoons clicking against bowls , Elder Morse , with a mouthful of steak asked , " So , how long have you been a member of the Church ? " The room grew silent enough to hear the pnematic wheeze of the air conditioner as it kicked back on . " Well , " he started , " I was born into the Mormon Church . I 'm actually a fourth generation Mormon and I was born in Salt Lake . Its funny , I 've had missionaries knock on my door before , but this is the first time I have spoken to Mormon missionaries in over 21 years . Normally I look out the window and just ignore them . In fact , the last time I spoke to an Elder , I was on my own mission in Brazil . " Steven didn 't bother waiting for the boys to question him . He knew from the puzzled looks on their faces that they would be a captive audience to his tale , even when their mouths weren 't chewing . My mission had all the heat of Nevada , but in Rio De Janeiro , Brazil , you have the added bonus of humidity . No contest between wet heat and dry heat . From the second I got off the airplane at the Santos Dumont airport , I started sweating , and really never stopped . In fact , I didn 't ever towel off in the mornings when I showered before leaving our apartment . . . I just put on my clothes wet . I figured I would be wet in a few minutes anyway , and at least it was clean water I was wet with , and not sweat . Normally , the only relief from sweating was the daily rainstorm that rolled around after lunch and seemed to be made up of drops the size of your thumb . And that was in the dry season ! In the rainy season the locals always asked us if we were made of sugar , because if we were , the rain falling practically all day , every day for months would surely be the end of us . The fact that we didn 't have cars and bikes like you guys in the states normally do didn 't help . Of course in Rio , there were so many people everywhere , it made a lot more sense walking because it was easier to get the word out . People made contact with you whether you wanted it or not . There are quite a few differences between Americans and Brazilians , but the most noticeable has to be the difference in the " personal bubble " . In the USA , if someone you know , like a friend , comes up to talk to you , they usually leave three feet or so between you when they talk to you . Brazilians , on the other hand , give you a good two feet max , and that 's when you first meet them . Anyway , my first area was outside the city of Rio in a quaint , almost European - like town called Itatiaia . From the cobblestone streets , to the architecture , to the green hillsides that surrounded it , the little town really wasn 't how I had imagined Rio , especially after horror stories about the crime and poverty I had heard in the Mission Training Center in Provo . My trainer and companion was a short , squat Brazilian from the Amazon a few years older than me . He was dark brown , had a lazy eye , and his name was Elder Pereira . Pereira was a quiet guy who talked very slow and walked very fast . He pushed me to memorize the discussions , a requisite for becoming a senior companion , and since there weren 't any other Americans anywhere around me , I learned to understand Portuguese very quickly . As the days and weeks went by I understood more about my companion . He had become a missionary exactly 1 year and one month from being baptized a member of the church . His father had come to his baptism only so he could see for himself that his oldest son was really going to leave the Baptist church against his wishes , and then when he did , to disown him . Pereira lived with LDS friends for the year before his mission , doing his best to absorb everything he could read about the church . He informed me that when he returned home he had a plan to become an electrician . When I inquired about his bad eye , he told me a story about something that happened when he was 4 years old . I couldn 't really understand it , but it had something to do with getting really sick . It was only after I had been in Brazil for about 3 months that people were just beginning to understand my Portuguese . Prior to this time , it was common for me to finish reading a whole page from the discussion material and look up , sweating and exonly to have someone say , " I didn 't understand anything this guy said . " We were teaching a few people around the city and things were going pretty well . One day we were told about a family by the name of Cardoso who were related by marriage to a church member named Valdir , and who lived a few miles out of town in an area everyone called Contorno . They had come to the church once with their relatives for a baby blessing or something and were interested in having the missionaries teach them . The first time we went out to the Cardoso house , Valdir came with us . We took a bus I had never been on before , and after 3 or 4 turns hit a very narrow road that wove its way up a small valley . After nearly 45 minutes , Valdir motioned for us to stand and then pulled the bus cord , buzzing the driver to stop . We dismounted the bus onto an orange dirt road , which was really little more than two side - by - side trails through the trees . We followed Valdir up the road which entered a thick green forest . After about 10 minutes of walking we came to a fork in the road . On the left , the road became a muddy , mucky version of the path we were on . On the right , the road narrowed even further and seemed to get choked out by vegetation altogether after a few hundred yards . Of course Valdir pointed us up the muddy path , and a few minutes later we came to his sister Maria 's white , brick house surrounded by chicken coops . After a nice first discussion sitting on overturned 5 - gallon buckets on the front porch , the Joao Cardoso asked us to stay for a dinner of pan - fried beef steak , black beans , collard greens cooked in bacon grease , and extremely sweet mango juice . They told us they would be happy to come to church on Sunday , and Elder Pereira scheduled a time to come back the following week . I have to say that the whole way down the trail and even the 40 minutes we waited for the bus , I was feeling very happy and excited about my mission and this adventure I was having in another country . I was feeling even a little cocky that my Portuguese was understood as well as it had been during the meeting with the Cardosos . When the bus finally arrived it was nearly dark . I sat near the window and as the bus started down the road , I looked to my left , back up the hill we had come down , and saw a light shining through the trees . I could tell it wasn 't the Cardoso home and asked Valdir if he knew who lived there . Valdir , who was already settling in to nap on the bus ride back to the station looked out to where I was pointing , turned back to mI remembered the following week when Elder Pereira and I headed up to the Cardoso home , so I pointed down the unkempt trail leading to the right at the fork in the road and said in my thick American accent , " What did Valdir say about that place ? " Pereira didn 't slow his pace at all and just said , " E ' um lugar mal , " which means , " It is a bad place . " I stopped and after about 5 or 6 steps Elder Pereira stopped and turned around . I told him he had to explain more to me . He said , " It is a place of Macumba , an evil place . " In the month or two before my mission I had read everything I could find about Rio and Brazil in general and I remembered something about Macumba being a religion that was a mixture of African voodoo and Catholism . I remembered back to something that happened my 3rd week in Brasil with Elder Pereira . We had been walking up one of the cobblestone sidewalks , heading to a lunch appointment when we came across what looked to be a full dinner that had been laid in the middle of the sidewalk . Pereira sidestepped quickly off the curb into the street to avoid the oddly placed meal as if were a sleeping homeless person , but I just walked up to it and stared at it , trying to figure out what it was . A red cloth had been laid down like a placemat and on it sat a large plate of food . There was a chicken breast , beans , rice and some kind of leafy green . There was a cup of what looked like red wine and a cigar sitting to the side of the plate . Elder Pereira came back to me and at first looked like he was going to try to explain the plate of food to me , but then seemed to change his mind , suspecting that I wouldn 't understand anything with 3 weeks of Portuguese , and just said to me , " Nao toca , e ' Macumba " or " Don 't touch , it 's Macumba . " I thought about asking the Cardosos about it , maybe working it into part of the conversation , but the second discussion is when we usually invite people to prepare to be baptized and I was a little nervous when it fell on me to ask them , it so I forgot to bring it up . After the discussion and another one of Maria Cardoso 's enormous lunches I was flying high . Not only had the Cardosos gone to church the past Sunday , but the man of the house , Joao Cardoso , actually interrupted me before I was able to ask them to be baptized , and asked ME what they needed to do to join our church . As we tromped down the trail after the discussion in the early afternoon heat , I felt so good I started to sing , " Unchained Melody " loudly , remembering Pereira had told me it was his favorite American song . I was just getting to " . . . and time , goes by , so slowly . . . " when suddenly I started to feel what I can only describe as complete dread . The strange thing was that it came on all at once . I went from feeling euphorically happy to feeling incredibly bad in just a few seconds . First I felt chilled , like we had walked into a cold pocket , then I had the sensation that someone was watching us . The way I stopped singing probably sounded like I was a radio with a volume dial being turned down . About 20 feet ahead , the fork in the road was visible . I was suddenly sure about two things right then : A woman was standing in the trees on the very fringe of my peripheral vision , and that if I turned my head to look at her something horrible would happen to us . This was a feeling , but it was so clear to me that it was almost like someone had spoken it in my mind . I couldn 't really make out details other than I could tell it was a woman . She seemed to be either a black woman , or a woman standing in shadows . The feeling of being watched was real , although I don 't know why I felt so terrified of her . Mind you , I was 19 years old and after 4 years of high school rugby was in pretty good shape , and not many people intimidated me . I remember thinking that wSteven sat up and looked at the boys ' TV trays , stood up , grabbed both bowls and left the room . He returned with two more heaping servings of the chili with another piece of thickly buttered bread perched atop each bowl . Setting the bowls down in front of the boys , he crossed the room , sat down again , and took a small pull from his beer . " Wait a minute , " said Morse . " Do you do you think that was a ghost , or a bad spirit or something ? " " No , it was just a woman . " Steven said . Leap asked , " Did you see the woman again ? " " I did , as a matter of fact . " Steven said . We talked it over the next few days . Elder Pereira told me that he felt something similar to the dark feeling I felt , but that he had seen no woman standing in the trees . He said that he felt bad inside as we walked near the fork in the road , so when I started running , he decided to run too . I specifically remember him saying that that he had felt " scared the way a child feels scared . " We talked about going back to the Cardosos . They were at a point right now that we needed to visit them regularly . They needed to hear four more discussions before they could be baptized . Pereira suggested that we ask them to come to the church in town to hear the discussions , but we knew they couldn 't afford the bus fare to do that once a week , and go to church on Sunday too . We discussed teaching them after church on Sunday , but after 3 hours of meetings their kids would be hungry and restless . I suggested that we call the Mission President and see what he thought , but Pereira thought we should call our Zone Leaders , Elder Taylor and Elder Block . We visited a few members we hadn 't seen in church until about 9 : 30 that night and when we figured Taylor and Block would be home for the night , we bought some pay phone tokens and called them . Elder Pereira proceeded to tell one of the ZL 's the story , although his account was so short I felt there was no way to do justice to how strange the experience had been . After listening for a while , saying , " Ta bom . " and hanging up , Pereira told me that they were coming to meet us at our apartment first thing the next morning . We had just sat down to eat our breakfast when they arrived . Taylor was an enormous Idaho farm kid with a flattop , a nose sunburn , and hands like oven mitts . Block , the senior companion was from Salt Lake me . All I really knew of Block was that he liked telling people that he was related on his mother 's side to Ezra Taft Benson , who was the President of the Church at the time . Taylor was big , but seemed to be shy and most comfortable looking and listening . When he spoke , his " lingua Portuguesa " didn 't sound like he was three months from reaching the end of his two year mission , in fact it sounded a little worse than mine . The two walked into our tiny , two room rental and while Taylor investigated the papaya and french bread set out for our breakfast , Block came over to me and started questioning me rapid - fire in English . Pereira , who couldn 't speak more than 5 or 6 English words looked uncomfortable . Block said , " OK , Elder Crenshaw , what 's the deal . Your comp said you guys thought someone wanted to hurt you when you were leaving an investigator 's house ? " I told him my story the best I could , but I started to get irritated as Block seemed to lose interest quickly . " So you saw a woman and felt a bad spirit ? " Block asked . " Well here 's the deal , we have a busy day scheduled so we need to do a split . I think Elder Taylor and your companion should go back to our area and visit the families we have scheduled there , and you and I can go talk to this woman . I 've had some experience with this kind of thing . " I could tell Elder Pereira wasn 't happy with this resolution and seemed to almost be irritated with me , like I had somehow orchestrated him out of the picture . He said nothing to me as Elder Taylor polished off our french bread , and we left for the bus station . All I got out of him was a muffled , " Tchau " when he and Taylor split up with us at the bus station entrance . I would probably have said more if I knew that was to be the last time I ever spoke to my softspoken companion . On 45 minute bus ride over , I was forced to hear Elder Block gloat about how he had become a senior companion in only 2 months because he was able to speak the language so proficiently . He also talked about the full ride scholarship he had to BYU , and of course , his favorite topic of how his mother 's 2nd cousin was Ezra Taft Benson 's niece or something . When I couldn 't stand it anymore I asked , " So you get together with him much ? " He pulled out a photo of a group of people and pointed to a man in the middle who looked kind of like President Benson , then to a woman holding a baby and said , " And that is me , right next to him . " He must have figured I wasn 't impressed , which I wasn 't , and we didn 't talk the rest of the bouncy bus ride . We got off the bus around 11am and walked to the fork in the road . As we approached it , it struck me once again how the trail on the right seemed to get more and more narrow , choked by vegetation to the point of disappearing . I suggested to Block that we go up to the Cardoso house first and ask them what they knew about their neighbors , but he wouldn 't hear it . He actually reminded me that he was senior companion , not to mention Zone Leader , and he would be making the decisions . I knew he was upset that I hadn 't been impressed by his family tree and I kind of kicked myself then and there for not being a little more political . He started up the path and I followed . After 2 or 3 minutes it did seem like the path had ended into a wall of green , but we pushed through a little further and found the trail again . When i realized noting was going to intercede or redirect us , I began to feel a heavy , sick feeling in my stomach . We continued on for about 15 minutes through the thick forest . The taller trees blocked the sunlight , and the shorter trees soaked us with their damp leaves . When we emerged into a muddy clearing I was hot , sweaty and itchy . The clearing was the sort of rural sprawl I had grown accustom to outside the city . It lead up to a pink house , the one I had seen from the road , that on closer inspection looked like it was built using a haphazard assortment of plywood and brick and painted over with some kind of pink paint that had run down the walls and into the dirt . To the left there was a squat barn with a pig pen in the front . Broken children 's toys and refuse littered every square inch of the muddy clearing . Black chickens roamed and pecked through the yard freely . There was a gnarled black root of a woman in a wooden rocking chair on the porch in front of the pink house . I tried to give my best doubtful look to Elder Block with the hopes we could get out of there , but he avoided my glance and started to pick his way towards the house . The woman made no indication that she had seen us , even when we mounted the first of the porch steps . Elder Block secured his bag between his knees leaving his hands free to clap a greeting , which is customary instead of knocking on the door in Brazil . The old woman did not look up , but after a few minutes a tall , skinny boy I put at maybe 14 or 15 in a pair of ratty shorts came out of the front door . He didn 't seemed very surprised to see us and asked us what we wanted . Block asked if the " Man of the house " was in . The kid rolled his white eyes and laughed and said , " Man of the house , that 's ME . " Block then asked the kid if his mother was home . Without taking his eyes off of us the kid tilted his head back a bit and shouted for his mom . At first we heard no sound coming from the inside of the house , then a soft scraping as a woman emerged from the shadows inside the house . The woman , who looked to be in her 40 's , was wearing a flowing , white skirt , a dark colored halter - top and sandals . Her straight , black hair framed her dark face and accentuated her large , white eyes . At once I felt an anxiety begin to creep into me . I knew that this was the same woman who had been watching me . I felt the same animosity seem to surround her like a cloud , and when she looked at me I could not meet her gaze for more than a few seconds . Elder Block must not have sensed anything , because he introduced us without hesitation and asked the woman her name . The woman pursed her lips and said that she was Dona Judith and she " knew very well who WE were . " Block seemed unphased by the statement . He told Dona Judith nonchalantly that we were teaching a family up the road , the Cardosos , and asked if she knew them . She said , " Claro " or of course . She laughed a light titter which made me break out in goose bumps and staring out from the hair that hung around her face , she held open the door and motioned for us to come into her home saying , " Entra . " Block walked right in , but I stood there for a moment . I looked from the young man sitting on the porch , who gave me a smirk , to the old woman in the rocking chair who stared out into the jungle , then back to the large white eyes of Judith . She said nothing , neither changed her expression , but I still felt like Hansel on the candy - house porch . I felt trapped , but I couldn 't see myself bolting down the porch steps , as much as I wanted to . For one thing , mission rules dictate that you stay with your companion always , for another , I was a little afraid of what Block would do if I up and ditched him . The room we were led into did nothing to soothe my anxiety . The furniture consisted of 3 wooden chairs and 2 benches made from planks stretched across stacks of orange brick . The floor was uneven cement . A TV that looked older than I was cast a green - tinted glare on the room . The green - tinted actress in the soap opera on the TV was crying and being soothed by a green - tinted shirtless man with a mustache . Shelves which lined all 4 walls of the room held statues and small paintings of saints . I was familiar with seeing Catholic saints in people 's homes . While paintings were the most common , I had entered a few homes with small shrine - like tables dedicated to statues of the Virgin Mary . Because the room was dim I assumed at first that this was more of the same , but there were so many of them compared to what I had seen , and all of them had a small white candle placed before them . Some of the candles had been burned and the wax had run and made small grey icicles before dripping down to the floor . Block had already taken a seat in one of the wooden chairs and I sat next to him . Dona Judith called for the boy , who 's name was Tiago , and directed him to bring the old woman in and join us . We waited as Tiago slowly led the stooped woman inside the home and across from us into the remaining chair before joining Judith on the bench . I remember wanting to tell Elder Block that I wasn 't feeling good and that I wanted to leave , but every time I started to do so , I felt Judith 's stare from across the room and I could not make myself speak because of it . Besides the dim lighting and the idols , some carven and crude and some elaborately painted and dressing cloth , the room had a smell to it that while not overpowering , was strong enough to give me the beginnings of a headache . I smelled farm smells , low and pungent below everything , but above it , food , the onion and bean smell I had become accustom to . Mingled with this was the scent of unwashed bodies which became stronger when Tiago brought in the old woman . An odor of illness wafted behind the old woman as she shuffled by , and looking down I saw that one of her feet was wrapped in old gauze , and a yellow patch of seepage could be seen near the ankle . The smell that bothered me the most in the house was an earthy , burnt smell , like dust cooking on a space - heater . I kept trying to get Block 's attention as Tiago and the old woman were taking a seat , but I was dismayed to see that his normally aggressive , engaged demeanor was gone . It was as if entering the house had stunned or shocked him in someway . He just kept staring at Judith with a blank look on his face . Normally I was the reserved one of any companionship , mostly because I the language was still pretty tough for me . Still , I tried to step up and take an active roll at this point if for no other reason than to get us out of there as quickly as possible . I asked Tiago if he played soccer . Tiago looked at Dona Judith and said nothing . I asked the old woman her name . She looked back at me with black glittering eye deep set in her wrinkled face but said nothing . Finally , in almost exasperation , I asked Dona Judith if we could give them a message about Jesus Christ and a Plan Our Heavenly Father has for her and her family . It was at this point that Dona Judith stood up very quickly and walked to the shelf nearest to her . She reached into the folds of her skirt and produced a box of wooden matches . Without a word she began lighting candle after candle , making her way around the room . I remember turning to Elder Block and saying , " We have to leave right now . " He continued to watch Dona Judith make her way around the room and made no sign of hearing me . I grabbed his arm nearest to me with both hands and said , " Elder . Elder ! " but he continued to ignore me expressionless . I stood up in a panic and looked at the doorway that would lead me back to the porch . I took 2 steps towards the exit when I heard a voice say in English , " Steven , you cannot leave . " I looked back and Judith was standing in the middle of the room and smiling an enormous smile , her teeth and white eyes glinting in the candlelight . Elder Block stood up and walked as if sleepwalking to Judith 's side , where he knelt down and placed his forehead on the cement floor at her feet . To my left the old woman began to speak low and so rapidly that I could not understandI still held my leather valise which contained my scriptures , 3 Book of Mormons , several pamphlets and a bus schedule . I threw the bag at Tiago , but threw it too hard and high and it hit the shelf behind him . Three candles went out as the bag struck them and the little statues behind them causing the whole mess to crash to the floor . I looked once more toward Elder Block who was still prostrate at Judith 's feet . I no longer felt worried about what he would do to me if I left him . From the little I could see on his face in the greenish glow of the TV , Elder Block had already left , however temporarily , I didn 't know . I crashed out the door and fell down the porch steps into the mud and muck . I scrambled to my feet in time to hear Dona Judith screech and to catch a glimpse of Tiago 's long brown legs and arms as he flashed out of the house after me . I sprinted through the wreck of a yard , scattering chickens as I ran and hurtled into the forest looking desperately for the trail . I heard Tiago , all grunts and footfalls only a few yards behind me and abandoned all thought of finding the trail . I ran desperately , jumping over rotted logs , zig - zagging around trees , but not so desperately that I ran wild . I had the idea that I was heading the right way generally so I focused all my effort on not slamming into a tree . Tiago , who was lank and lean with a runner 's body , and who undoubtedly knew this forest much better than I did , kept up with me and even began to gain . I started to imagine the feel of his knife piercing my side , and the painful stitch I was developing from running only reinforced this thought . I finally was able to calm my mind enough to realize that I needed to face Tiago before just that sort of thing happened . When I looked over my shoulder expecting to see him bearing down on me , there was no one there . I stopped and looked all around me in panic . I looked back the way I came and saw nothing . I bent over and put my hands on my knees and tried to slow my ragged breathing so I could listen for sounds of movement I heard nothing . Once again I looked back the way I came . Judith stood about 20 yards away like a statue , glaring at me , her face a mask of hate . I felt paralyzed by the dread of her presence . It wasn 't until I looked lower and saw her stained , white skirt and dripping hands that my paralysis broke . I ran from her . This time my running was in no way calculated or careful . I slammed my hip into a large boulder . I caught my foot in a gnarled root and just kept my balance enough to sprawl through a thorny bush . I ran until I finally emerged scratched and bleeding near the road and kept running down the middle of " That is pretty much the story , " Stephen said after a long pause . The two missionaries were glassy - eyed , hypnotized by the heavy lunch and Stephen 's tale . At some point Morse had picked up a yellow throw pillow off the couch and had set it in his lap . He was likely oblivious to the fact that he was now hugging it with both arms and resting his chin on it . Leap was sitting forward with a pained look on his face , as if he had just pulled a muscle in his back . " I ran down the road until an old truck came up behind me , " Stephen continued . " I tried to explain what happened to the driver but my Portuguese had pretty much left the building at that point . The man must have understood something because he dropped me off at the bus station in town , looking very relieved to part ways with this dirty , wild - eyed gringo . I called the mission president 's house from the bus station then sat under the bank of phones with my head against the wall for a long , long time . " " What happened to Elder Block ? " asked Elder Leap . " I have no idea , " Stephen replied . The mission president and 2 missionaries who worked in the office came to pick me up several hours later . I was so exhausted , both mentally and physically , that I honestly had lost all connection to the Portuguese language . It was as if the language being spoken around me was coming in from very far away and although it sounded familiar , I couldn 't make out much of it , and when I tried to speak it , the words simply would not come to me . As the three of them were Brazilian and spoke very little English , the President finally gave up and resolved to put me on a bus with one of the office Elders and gave us instructions to go to his apartment . I assumed the President was going to find Elder Pereira , my companion , and try to make sense of this . The bus ride took 3 hours , and during that time I began to feel sick . For the next 3 days I stayed in a bedroom at the Mission President 's apartment . I could hold no food down and developed a fever . I remember lying in a small fold - out cot , sweating and waking over and over from bad dreams . I remember the President waking me up at one point . He seemed mad at me and demanded I tell him what happened . When I didn 't even attempt the story he got angry and yelled at me in Portuguese and left . Later an American Elder from Salt Lake who had come to the mission on the same day as I did was sent in to speak to me . He asked several times what happened , and I almost told him , but I knew that if I told , there was a chance that I would have to go back to that house , so I said nothing except , " I want to go home right now Elder . Tell the President that I want to go home right now . " The President drove me to the airport in his car himself two days later . My fever was gone by that point and I had started eating again . We had nothing to say to each other on the ride there . I felt guilty for not saying anything , but I knew that what was done was done . I have to give him credit for putting his arm around me and telling me , " Boa Sorte " which means " Good Luck " as I headed up the to the gate . The plane flew direct for 8 hours to Ft . Worth , Texas where I had a two hour layover . The trip was uneventful except that at some point I fell asleep and dreamed of a pink house in the middle of the forest and I woke up screaming . As I sat in the Dallas Fort Worth Airport reflecting on the events of the prior week , something came over me . I sat in the hard , plastic chairs outside my boarding gate and felt compelled to repeat the the final words Dona Judith said to me over and over in my mind . " Because you are innocent , because you are weak . " I repeated this filthy mantra something clicked in my head . I knew right then I couldn 't go home . Not because I would be returning home in shame . It had nothing to do with pride . I couldn 't return home , because if I did , I would go back to feeling safe and continue being both innocent and weak . I decided I would never again put myself in a position that evil could take notice of me . I took my suitcase into a handicapped bathroom stall and changed into a pair of street clothes . Then I walked out of the airport , leaving my life , my family , my mission and the church behind . " You mean you 've never seen your family since ? " asked Morse . " No , " said Stephen . Elder Leap leaned forward in his chair and looked solemnly into Stephen 's eyes . He hid none of his disdain when he said , " So you are saying you left everything important in your life behind because you were scared ? " Stephen stood up and pointed at Leap . " What happened to judge not lest ye be not judged ? " he shouted . " You weren 't there . You didn 't see her eyes . So yes , I left everything . And just to be sure that I 'm not falling into the ' innocent ' category , I do things . I smoke and drink , not because I like it , although I guess it has become a habit now , but because it is a vice . I subscribe a pornographic web site that sends 2 videos and 5 photos to my email every day . I even steal a candy bar from the Top Stop now and then . " The boys rose to their feet and Morse shuffled backward towards the door . Leap started to follow his companion , then turned and said , " Ok , fine , let 's say we believe everything you told us . But why did you decide to tell this story to us now ? Why ? " Stephen walked past the boys and opened the door , letting in the hot , desert breeze . He stared into Elder Morse 's round face and large eyes and said , " I had to . You see last night Dona Judith appeared to me in a dream . She told me that you would be coming . She told me to feed you and tell you my story . She told me that if I did this one thing , she would forgive my trespass . She told me to tell the story and then tell " the fat one " that she sees him , that she or someone like her will come for him . Because he is innocent , because he is weak . " Elder Leap grabbed his companion 's hand and pulled him out of Stephen 's front door , down the sidewalk , and into the street . Stephen watched them go . He continued watching them walk down the street until they turned left on Grove Avenue and he could see them no more . When they were out of sight , Stephen shut his front door , put his hands over his face , and wept for a long time . AnonymousNovember 14 , 2009great story . so tell me about this story and the evil people and all of that . I know that Doug had his evil people on his mission . Are these from you mission ? CarolynReplyDeleteMomNovember 14 , 2009Son , I liked this story very much ! Of course I was not surprised at the ending because I 'm your mom and remember your writings growing up ! Your English teacher commented that your writing was very good and captivating , but always a little on the dark side . Keep it coming ! ! ReplyDeletejaniceNovember 15 , 2009I love your writing style . I also like that you don 't feel the need to make your stories have a " happy ending " . Please keep writing and posting ! ReplyDeleteGayleneNovember 15 , 2009I 'm glad I 'm not elder Morse . . . very captivating , and I want more , more stories from you ! ReplyDeleteErikaNovember 16 , 2009Jake , I really liked it . Completely absorbing , with a touch of the scarey in the style of ( Say thankee Sai ) the Master . I picture the title being something like " Under the Spell " or maybe some variation , that incorporates the - - albeit necessary - - indoctrination missionaries go thru ( I didn 't say " brainwashing , " but cry your pardon if you think I 'm alluding to it ) and the trance that overtook Taylor . I was left wanting to know much , much more about Steve , which says to me that this story has room for development . Even though Jana told me you were happy to be done with it , and that you thought it sounded " juvinile " I was just turned on . I think Steve should be fleshed out more , whether in this story or another , do it please ya . Long days and pleasant nights , - eReplyDeleteSheri Dickson WoodsonNovember 18 , 2009Geez , Jake , do you have to go all hearts and flowers on us ? That was a good read - maybe not such a good bedtime story though ( made for some interesting dreaming , lol ) ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Blog dedicated to my writing and whatever else I want : movies , games , books , electronics , music , . . . anything Jake . The interior of my mind is a mixture of grindhouse , steampunk , Lovecraft , and 80 's pop . Be very afraid . So this story began as an homage to Rio de Janeiro , where I served my mission . I love Rio . I love the Brazilian culture and Brazilian people . I really had all the makings of an upbeat , LDS short story . But I probably wouldn 't have pulled that off , so I wrote an odd story because I 'm an odd person . If you read it , I hope you like it . Whether you like it or not I would love some help with a title for it and any feedback you could give me . Conviction Steven opened his rust - flecked screen door with a bang and squinted into the bright noonday sun . Two young men , one portly , with a sun - reddened , baby face , the other tall with bushy , black eyebrows , took a synchronized half step backwards to avoid the door from swiping their shins . " Good morning Sir , " said the cherubic youth , wearing a dark brown suit and yellow tie . " We are representatives of Jesus Christ and we have a very special message for you . " Steven knew three things before the sales pitch continued - first , that the sweating , young man addressing him was new at his job , second that the two were most likely famished , and third , that even though it was an extremely bad idea , Steven would be inviting them into his home for lunch and discussion . Although it had been over fifteen years since Steven himself had been an LDS missionary , he could recognize the telltale darting eyes of a newbie a mile a way , even if he hadn 't seen the Elder 's snug , new suit and polished shoes . Steven knew that over the next 20 months of walking and riding bikes in Nevada , Elder Morse , as indicated by the small black plastic tag engraved with white lettering clipped to his lapel , would gradually loose his pudgy stomach and toughen up like a trail - worn cowboy . By contrast , Elder Leap , undoubtedly the senior companion , wore a sun - faded jacket that was opened exposing a toothpaste - spotted tie that stopped about an inch short of a pair of tan Dockers that definitely weren 't purchased the same day as the boy 's blue suit coat . Leap 's weathered Doc Martins looked like they had recently been given new soles and new laces that almost , but didn 't quite match the shoe . Hypothetically , Steven could assume that the boys were hungry . In Steven 's experience , 19 to 21 year old young men are always hungry - usually for food , but also for knowledge , competition , and the bodies of young women . Steven guessed that it was more than general youthful hunger , however , as the two on his doorstep were knocking doors well within the lunch hour . Steven remembered that he had gone without food for two reasons while on his mission : he and his companion denied themselves of food and water when they were seriously in need of spiritual guidance and when they were out of money for the month . Since it was July 27th the boys probably had been short - sighted in their budgeting and were hard up for cash . If asked , the two may say they were fasting so that the Lord would guide them to His elect , but it was likely they were killing two birds with one stone . Steven decided he wanted to see how the green missionary would do in a contact - situation , and decided to play along . He said , " I have seen people like you around before … aren 't you Jehovah 's Witnesses ? " Elder Morse swallowed with an audible gulp , gave a sideways glance to his senior companion then turned his attention to the area around Steven 's pantlegs and stammered quickly , " We are similar to other sects you may have had visit you , but we represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . We have devoted two years of our lives to this work - would you have a minute to spare to hear about our Heavenly Father 's plan for you and your family ? " Steven allowed his eyes to drift to the left to which he hoped would make the young man feel like he was loosing Steven 's attention . It worked , because Morse quickly blurted , " We aren 't paid to do this work . I thought you would want to know that . " Steven smiled and looked at Leap , who came to his companion 's rescue . " Have you had Mormon missionaries in your home before ? " Steven paused for a few seconds , stepped back a few feet , motioned the boys to come in and said , " Come on in Elders . " Steven 's front room was dim , but neat and organized . His furniture was a mixture of Swedish shelving and overstuffed sofas . He liked to keep his house cool in the Nevada heat and the low light gave the room a cave - like feel . The only real sign that Steven ever occupied the room was a large , ornate ashtray in the middle of the coffee table . Steven watched , amused , as Elder Morse glanced at the ashtray for several seconds , then at Steven , then looked away hurriedly . Steven turned on a brass lamp and motioned for the two missionaries to take a seat at one of the couches . After the boys were seated on the large , green corduroy sofa , Steven began , " I 'm actually a member of your church … at least I was many years ago . I suppose that my name is still on the Church 's records . " Elder Morse smiled , but his eyebrows rose in unmistakable surprise . Elder Leap only nodded for Steven to continue . Steven said , " I know that it is a little disappointing for you to discover a failed member of your church … it must make you feel like you are taking a step backwards … but I actually had a reason for letting you in . I just made a big pot of chili , and I thought you boys might like some … that is if you aren 't fasting today . " Steven was looking at Leap when he said it and was unsurprised that the senior companion began shaking his head slowly . Elder Morse , however , spurted , " Thanks ! That sounds great . " Leap shot his companion a dark look , but rather than giving them time to reach an agreement , Steven jumped to his feet and headed into the kitchen . After positioning TV trays in front of the two young men and filling the trays with large brimming bowls of black bean and steak chili , plates of buttered sourdough rolls and glass tumblers containing cream soda on ice , Steven sat on the adjoining sofa and popped the top of a Coors Light . Elder Leap , still wearing a pained expression over their broken fast , asked Steven if they could please bless the food . Steven smiled and said , " Sure … whatever . " After the blessing over the food ( given curtly by Elder Leap ) the two began poking at their chili . They started tentatively at first , but when Steven told them there was " plenty more where that came from " they dug in . After a few minutes of spoons clicking against bowls , Elder Morse , with a mouthful of steak asked , " So , how long have you been a member of the Church ? " The room grew silent enough to hear the pnematic wheeze of the air conditioner as it kicked back on . " Well , " he started , " I was born into the Mormon Church . I 'm actually a fourth generation Mormon and I was born in Salt Lake . Its funny , I 've had missionaries knock on my door before , but this is the first time I have spoken to Mormon missionaries in over 21 years . Normally I look out the window and just ignore them . In fact , the last time I spoke to an Elder , I was on my own mission in Brazil . " Steven didn 't bother waiting for the boys to question him . He knew from the puzzled looks on their faces that they would be a captive audience to his tale , even when their mouths weren 't chewing . My mission had all the heat of Nevada , but in Rio De Janeiro , Brazil , you have the added bonus of humidity . No contest between wet heat and dry heat . From the second I got off the airplane at the Santos Dumont airport , I started sweating , and really never stopped . In fact , I didn 't ever towel off in the mornings when I showered before leaving our apartment . . . I just put on my clothes wet . I figured I would be wet in a few minutes anyway , and at least it was clean water I was wet with , and not sweat . Normally , the only relief from sweating was the daily rainstorm that rolled around after lunch and seemed to be made up of drops the size of your thumb . And that was in the dry season ! In the rainy season the locals always asked us if we were made of sugar , because if we were , the rain falling practically all day , every day for months would surely be the end of us . The fact that we didn 't have cars and bikes like you guys in the states normally do didn 't help . Of course in Rio , there were so many people everywhere , it made a lot more sense walking because it was easier to get the word out . People made contact with you whether you wanted it or not . There are quite a few differences between Americans and Brazilians , but the most noticeable has to be the difference in the " personal bubble " . In the USA , if someone you know , like a friend , comes up to talk to you , they usually leave three feet or so between you when they talk to you . Brazilians , on the other hand , give you a good two feet max , and that 's when you first meet them . Anyway , my first area was outside the city of Rio in a quaint , almost European - like town called Itatiaia . From the cobblestone streets , to the architecture , to the green hillsides that surrounded it , the little town really wasn 't how I had imagined Rio , especially after horror stories about the crime and poverty I had heard in the Mission Training Center in Provo . My trainer and companion was a short , squat Brazilian from the Amazon a few years older than me . He was dark brown , had a lazy eye , and his name was Elder Pereira . Pereira was a quiet guy who talked very slow and walked very fast . He pushed me to memorize the discussions , a requisite for becoming a senior companion , and since there weren 't any other Americans anywhere around me , I learned to understand Portuguese very quickly . As the days and weeks went by I understood more about my companion . He had become a missionary exactly 1 year and one month from being baptized a member of the church . His father had come to his baptism only so he could see for himself that his oldest son was really going to leave the Baptist church against his wishes , and then when he did , to disown him . Pereira lived with LDS friends for the year before his mission , doing his best to absorb everything he could read about the church . He informed me that when he returned home he had a plan to become an electrician . When I inquired about his bad eye , he told me a story about something that happened when he was 4 years old . I couldn 't really understand it , but it had something to do with getting really sick . It was only after I had been in Brazil for about 3 months that people were just beginning to understand my Portuguese . Prior to this time , it was common for me to finish reading a whole page from the discussion material and look up , sweating and exonly to have someone say , " I didn 't understand anything this guy said . " We were teaching a few people around the city and things were going pretty well . One day we were told about a family by the name of Cardoso who were related by marriage to a church member named Valdir , and who lived a few miles out of town in an area everyone called Contorno . They had come to the church once with their relatives for a baby blessing or something and were interested in having the missionaries teach them . The first time we went out to the Cardoso house , Valdir came with us . We took a bus I had never been on before , and after 3 or 4 turns hit a very narrow road that wove its way up a small valley . After nearly 45 minutes , Valdir motioned for us to stand and then pulled the bus cord , buzzing the driver to stop . We dismounted the bus onto an orange dirt road , which was really little more than two side - by - side trails through the trees . We followed Valdir up the road which entered a thick green forest . After about 10 minutes of walking we came to a fork in the road . On the left , the road became a muddy , mucky version of the path we were on . On the right , the road narrowed even further and seemed to get choked out by vegetation altogether after a few hundred yards . Of course Valdir pointed us up the muddy path , and a few minutes later we came to his sister Maria 's white , brick house surrounded by chicken coops . After a nice first discussion sitting on overturned 5 - gallon buckets on the front porch , the Joao Cardoso asked us to stay for a dinner of pan - fried beef steak , black beans , collard greens cooked in bacon grease , and extremely sweet mango juice . They told us they would be happy to come to church on Sunday , and Elder Pereira scheduled a time to come back the following week . I have to say that the whole way down the trail and even the 40 minutes we waited for the bus , I was feeling very happy and excited about my mission and this adventure I was having in another country . I was feeling even a little cocky that my Portuguese was understood as well as it had been during the meeting with the Cardosos . When the bus finally arrived it was nearly dark . I sat near the window and as the bus started down the road , I looked to my left , back up the hill we had come down , and saw a light shining through the trees . I could tell it wasn 't the Cardoso home and asked Valdir if he knew who lived there . Valdir , who was already settling in to nap on the bus ride back to the station looked out to where I was pointing , turned back to mI remembered the following week when Elder Pereira and I headed up to the Cardoso home , so I pointed down the unkempt trail leading to the right at the fork in the road and said in my thick American accent , " What did Valdir say about that place ? " Pereira didn 't slow his pace at all and just said , " E ' um lugar mal , " which means , " It is a bad place . " I stopped and after about 5 or 6 steps Elder Pereira stopped and turned around . I told him he had to explain more to me . He said , " It is a place of Macumba , an evil place . " In the month or two before my mission I had read everything I could find about Rio and Brazil in general and I remembered something about Macumba being a religion that was a mixture of African voodoo and Catholism . I remembered back to something that happened my 3rd week in Brasil with Elder Pereira . We had been walking up one of the cobblestone sidewalks , heading to a lunch appointment when we came across what looked to be a full dinner that had been laid in the middle of the sidewalk . Pereira sidestepped quickly off the curb into the street to avoid the oddly placed meal as if were a sleeping homeless person , but I just walked up to it and stared at it , trying to figure out what it was . A red cloth had been laid down like a placemat and on it sat a large plate of food . There was a chicken breast , beans , rice and some kind of leafy green . There was a cup of what looked like red wine and a cigar sitting to the side of the plate . Elder Pereira came back to me and at first looked like he was going to try to explain the plate of food to me , but then seemed to change his mind , suspecting that I wouldn 't understand anything with 3 weeks of Portuguese , and just said to me , " Nao toca , e ' Macumba " or " Don 't touch , it 's Macumba . " I thought about asking the Cardosos about it , maybe working it into part of the conversation , but the second discussion is when we usually invite people to prepare to be baptized and I was a little nervous when it fell on me to ask them , it so I forgot to bring it up . After the discussion and another one of Maria Cardoso 's enormous lunches I was flying high . Not only had the Cardosos gone to church the past Sunday , but the man of the house , Joao Cardoso , actually interrupted me before I was able to ask them to be baptized , and asked ME what they needed to do to join our church . As we tromped down the trail after the discussion in the early afternoon heat , I felt so good I started to sing , " Unchained Melody " loudly , remembering Pereira had told me it was his favorite American song . I was just getting to " . . . and time , goes by , so slowly . . . " when suddenly I started to feel what I can only describe as complete dread . The strange thing was that it came on all at once . I went from feeling euphorically happy to feeling incredibly bad in just a few seconds . First I felt chilled , like we had walked into a cold pocket , then I had the sensation that someone was watching us . The way I stopped singing probably sounded like I was a radio with a volume dial being turned down . About 20 feet ahead , the fork in the road was visible . I was suddenly sure about two things right then : A woman was standing in the trees on the very fringe of my peripheral vision , and that if I turned my head to look at her something horrible would happen to us . This was a feeling , but it was so clear to me that it was almost like someone had spoken it in my mind . I couldn 't really make out details other than I could tell it was a woman . She seemed to be either a black woman , or a woman standing in shadows . The feeling of being watched was real , although I don 't know why I felt so terrified of her . Mind you , I was 19 years old and after 4 years of high school rugby was in pretty good shape , and not many people intimidated me . I remember thinking that wSteven sat up and looked at the boys ' TV trays , stood up , grabbed both bowls and left the room . He returned with two more heaping servings of the chili with another piece of thickly buttered bread perched atop each bowl . Setting the bowls down in front of the boys , he crossed the room , sat down again , and took a small pull from his beer . " Wait a minute , " said Morse . " Do you do you think that was a ghost , or a bad spirit or something ? " " No , it was just a woman . " Steven said . Leap asked , " Did you see the woman again ? " " I did , as a matter of fact . " Steven said . We talked it over the next few days . Elder Pereira told me that he felt something similar to the dark feeling I felt , but that he had seen no woman standing in the trees . He said that he felt bad inside as we walked near the fork in the road , so when I started running , he decided to run too . I specifically remember him saying that that he had felt " scared the way a child feels scared . " We talked about going back to the Cardosos . They were at a point right now that we needed to visit them regularly . They needed to hear four more discussions before they could be baptized . Pereira suggested that we ask them to come to the church in town to hear the discussions , but we knew they couldn 't afford the bus fare to do that once a week , and go to church on Sunday too . We discussed teaching them after church on Sunday , but after 3 hours of meetings their kids would be hungry and restless . I suggested that we call the Mission President and see what he thought , but Pereira thought we should call our Zone Leaders , Elder Taylor and Elder Block . We visited a few members we hadn 't seen in church until about 9 : 30 that night and when we figured Taylor and Block would be home for the night , we bought some pay phone tokens and called them . Elder Pereira proceeded to tell one of the ZL 's the story , although his account was so short I felt there was no way to do justice to how strange the experience had been . After listening for a while , saying , " Ta bom . " and hanging up , Pereira told me that they were coming to meet us at our apartment first thing the next morning . We had just sat down to eat our breakfast when they arrived . Taylor was an enormous Idaho farm kid with a flattop , a nose sunburn , and hands like oven mitts . Block , the senior companion was from Salt Lake me . All I really knew of Block was that he liked telling people that he was related on his mother 's side to Ezra Taft Benson , who was the President of the Church at the time . Taylor was big , but seemed to be shy and most comfortable looking and listening . When he spoke , his " lingua Portuguesa " didn 't sound like he was three months from reaching the end of his two year mission , in fact it sounded a little worse than mine . The two walked into our tiny , two room rental and while Taylor investigated the papaya and french bread set out for our breakfast , Block came over to me and started questioning me rapid - fire in English . Pereira , who couldn 't speak more than 5 or 6 English words looked uncomfortable . Block said , " OK , Elder Crenshaw , what 's the deal . Your comp said you guys thought someone wanted to hurt you when you were leaving an investigator 's house ? " I told him my story the best I could , but I started to get irritated as Block seemed to lose interest quickly . " So you saw a woman and felt a bad spirit ? " Block asked . " Well here 's the deal , we have a busy day scheduled so we need to do a split . I think Elder Taylor and your companion should go back to our area and visit the families we have scheduled there , and you and I can go talk to this woman . I 've had some experience with this kind of thing . " I could tell Elder Pereira wasn 't happy with this resolution and seemed to almost be irritated with me , like I had somehow orchestrated him out of the picture . He said nothing to me as Elder Taylor polished off our french bread , and we left for the bus station . All I got out of him was a muffled , " Tchau " when he and Taylor split up with us at the bus station entrance . I would probably have said more if I knew that was to be the last time I ever spoke to my softspoken companion . On 45 minute bus ride over , I was forced to hear Elder Block gloat about how he had become a senior companion in only 2 months because he was able to speak the language so proficiently . He also talked about the full ride scholarship he had to BYU , and of course , his favorite topic of how his mother 's 2nd cousin was Ezra Taft Benson 's niece or something . When I couldn 't stand it anymore I asked , " So you get together with him much ? " He pulled out a photo of a group of people and pointed to a man in the middle who looked kind of like President Benson , then to a woman holding a baby and said , " And that is me , right next to him . " He must have figured I wasn 't impressed , which I wasn 't , and we didn 't talk the rest of the bouncy bus ride . We got off the bus around 11am and walked to the fork in the road . As we approached it , it struck me once again how the trail on the right seemed to get more and more narrow , choked by vegetation to the point of disappearing . I suggested to Block that we go up to the Cardoso house first and ask them what they knew about their neighbors , but he wouldn 't hear it . He actually reminded me that he was senior companion , not to mention Zone Leader , and he would be making the decisions . I knew he was upset that I hadn 't been impressed by his family tree and I kind of kicked myself then and there for not being a little more political . He started up the path and I followed . After 2 or 3 minutes it did seem like the path had ended into a wall of green , but we pushed through a little further and found the trail again . When i realized noting was going to intercede or redirect us , I began to feel a heavy , sick feeling in my stomach . We continued on for about 15 minutes through the thick forest . The taller trees blocked the sunlight , and the shorter trees soaked us with their damp leaves . When we emerged into a muddy clearing I was hot , sweaty and itchy . The clearing was the sort of rural sprawl I had grown accustom to outside the city . It lead up to a pink house , the one I had seen from the road , that on closer inspection looked like it was built using a haphazard assortment of plywood and brick and painted over with some kind of pink paint that had run down the walls and into the dirt . To the left there was a squat barn with a pig pen in the front . Broken children 's toys and refuse littered every square inch of the muddy clearing . Black chickens roamed and pecked through the yard freely . There was a gnarled black root of a woman in a wooden rocking chair on the porch in front of the pink house . I tried to give my best doubtful look to Elder Block with the hopes we could get out of there , but he avoided my glance and started to pick his way towards the house . The woman made no indication that she had seen us , even when we mounted the first of the porch steps . Elder Block secured his bag between his knees leaving his hands free to clap a greeting , which is customary instead of knocking on the door in Brazil . The old woman did not look up , but after a few minutes a tall , skinny boy I put at maybe 14 or 15 in a pair of ratty shorts came out of the front door . He didn 't seemed very surprised to see us and asked us what we wanted . Block asked if the " Man of the house " was in . The kid rolled his white eyes and laughed and said , " Man of the house , that 's ME . " Block then asked the kid if his mother was home . Without taking his eyes off of us the kid tilted his head back a bit and shouted for his mom . At first we heard no sound coming from the inside of the house , then a soft scraping as a woman emerged from the shadows inside the house . The woman , who looked to be in her 40 's , was wearing a flowing , white skirt , a dark colored halter - top and sandals . Her straight , black hair framed her dark face and accentuated her large , white eyes . At once I felt an anxiety begin to creep into me . I knew that this was the same woman who had been watching me . I felt the same animosity seem to surround her like a cloud , and when she looked at me I could not meet her gaze for more than a few seconds . Elder Block must not have sensed anything , because he introduced us without hesitation and asked the woman her name . The woman pursed her lips and said that she was Dona Judith and she " knew very well who WE were . " Block seemed unphased by the statement . He told Dona Judith nonchalantly that we were teaching a family up the road , the Cardosos , and asked if she knew them . She said , " Claro " or of course . She laughed a light titter which made me break out in goose bumps and staring out from the hair that hung around her face , she held open the door and motioned for us to come into her home saying , " Entra . " Block walked right in , but I stood there for a moment . I looked from the young man sitting on the porch , who gave me a smirk , to the old woman in the rocking chair who stared out into the jungle , then back to the large white eyes of Judith . She said nothing , neither changed her expression , but I still felt like Hansel on the candy - house porch . I felt trapped , but I couldn 't see myself bolting down the porch steps , as much as I wanted to . For one thing , mission rules dictate that you stay with your companion always , for another , I was a little afraid of what Block would do if I up and ditched him . The room we were led into did nothing to soothe my anxiety . The furniture consisted of 3 wooden chairs and 2 benches made from planks stretched across stacks of orange brick . The floor was uneven cement . A TV that looked older than I was cast a green - tinted glare on the room . The green - tinted actress in the soap opera on the TV was crying and being soothed by a green - tinted shirtless man with a mustache . Shelves which lined all 4 walls of the room held statues and small paintings of saints . I was familiar with seeing Catholic saints in people 's homes . While paintings were the most common , I had entered a few homes with small shrine - like tables dedicated to statues of the Virgin Mary . Because the room was dim I assumed at first that this was more of the same , but there were so many of them compared to what I had seen , and all of them had a small white candle placed before them . Some of the candles had been burned and the wax had run and made small grey icicles before dripping down to the floor . Block had already taken a seat in one of the wooden chairs and I sat next to him . Dona Judith called for the boy , who 's name was Tiago , and directed him to bring the old woman in and join us . We waited as Tiago slowly led the stooped woman inside the home and across from us into the remaining chair before joining Judith on the bench . I remember wanting to tell Elder Block that I wasn 't feeling good and that I wanted to leave , but every time I started to do so , I felt Judith 's stare from across the room and I could not make myself speak because of it . Besides the dim lighting and the idols , some carven and crude and some elaborately painted and dressing cloth , the room had a smell to it that while not overpowering , was strong enough to give me the beginnings of a headache . I smelled farm smells , low and pungent below everything , but above it , food , the onion and bean smell I had become accustom to . Mingled with this was the scent of unwashed bodies which became stronger when Tiago brought in the old woman . An odor of illness wafted behind the old woman as she shuffled by , and looking down I saw that one of her feet was wrapped in old gauze , and a yellow patch of seepage could be seen near the ankle . The smell that bothered me the most in the house was an earthy , burnt smell , like dust cooking on a space - heater . I kept trying to get Block 's attention as Tiago and the old woman were taking a seat , but I was dismayed to see that his normally aggressive , engaged demeanor was gone . It was as if entering the house had stunned or shocked him in someway . He just kept staring at Judith with a blank look on his face . Normally I was the reserved one of any companionship , mostly because I the language was still pretty tough for me . Still , I tried to step up and take an active roll at this point if for no other reason than to get us out of there as quickly as possible . I asked Tiago if he played soccer . Tiago looked at Dona Judith and said nothing . I asked the old woman her name . She looked back at me with black glittering eye deep set in her wrinkled face but said nothing . Finally , in almost exasperation , I asked Dona Judith if we could give them a message about Jesus Christ and a Plan Our Heavenly Father has for her and her family . It was at this point that Dona Judith stood up very quickly and walked to the shelf nearest to her . She reached into the folds of her skirt and produced a box of wooden matches . Without a word she began lighting candle after candle , making her way around the room . I remember turning to Elder Block and saying , " We have to leave right now . " He continued to watch Dona Judith make her way around the room and made no sign of hearing me . I grabbed his arm nearest to me with both hands and said , " Elder . Elder ! " but he continued to ignore me expressionless . I stood up in a panic and looked at the doorway that would lead me back to the porch . I took 2 steps towards the exit when I heard a voice say in English , " Steven , you cannot leave . " I looked back and Judith was standing in the middle of the room and smiling an enormous smile , her teeth and white eyes glinting in the candlelight . Elder Block stood up and walked as if sleepwalking to Judith 's side , where he knelt down and placed his forehead on the cement floor at her feet . To my left the old woman began to speak low and so rapidly that I could not understandI still held my leather valise which contained my scriptures , 3 Book of Mormons , several pamphlets and a bus schedule . I threw the bag at Tiago , but threw it too hard and high and it hit the shelf behind him . Three candles went out as the bag struck them and the little statues behind them causing the whole mess to crash to the floor . I looked once more toward Elder Block who was still prostrate at Judith 's feet . I no longer felt worried about what he would do to me if I left him . From the little I could see on his face in the greenish glow of the TV , Elder Block had already left , however temporarily , I didn 't know . I crashed out the door and fell down the porch steps into the mud and muck . I scrambled to my feet in time to hear Dona Judith screech and to catch a glimpse of Tiago 's long brown legs and arms as he flashed out of the house after me . I sprinted through the wreck of a yard , scattering chickens as I ran and hurtled into the forest looking desperately for the trail . I heard Tiago , all grunts and footfalls only a few yards behind me and abandoned all thought of finding the trail . I ran desperately , jumping over rotted logs , zig - zagging around trees , but not so desperately that I ran wild . I had the idea that I was heading the right way generally so I focused all my effort on not slamming into a tree . Tiago , who was lank and lean with a runner 's body , and who undoubtedly knew this forest much better than I did , kept up with me and even began to gain . I started to imagine the feel of his knife piercing my side , and the painful stitch I was developing from running only reinforced this thought . I finally was able to calm my mind enough to realize that I needed to face Tiago before just that sort of thing happened . When I looked over my shoulder expecting to see him bearing down on me , there was no one there . I stopped and looked all around me in panic . I looked back the way I came and saw nothing . I bent over and put my hands on my knees and tried to slow my ragged breathing so I could listen for sounds of movement I heard nothing . Once again I looked back the way I came . Judith stood about 20 yards away like a statue , glaring at me , her face a mask of hate . I felt paralyzed by the dread of her presence . It wasn 't until I looked lower and saw her stained , white skirt and dripping hands that my paralysis broke . I ran from her . This time my running was in no way calculated or careful . I slammed my hip into a large boulder . I caught my foot in a gnarled root and just kept my balance enough to sprawl through a thorny bush . I ran until I finally emerged scratched and bleeding near the road and kept running down the middle of " That is pretty much the story , " Stephen said after a long pause . The two missionaries were glassy - eyed , hypnotized by the heavy lunch and Stephen 's tale . At some point Morse had picked up a yellow throw pillow off the couch and had set it in his lap . He was likely oblivious to the fact that he was now hugging it with both arms and resting his chin on it . Leap was sitting forward with a pained look on his face , as if he had just pulled a muscle in his back . " I ran down the road until an old truck came up behind me , " Stephen continued . " I tried to explain what happened to the driver but my Portuguese had pretty much left the building at that point . The man must have understood something because he dropped me off at the bus station in town , looking very relieved to part ways with this dirty , wild - eyed gringo . I called the mission president 's house from the bus station then sat under the bank of phones with my head against the wall for a long , long time . " " What happened to Elder Block ? " asked Elder Leap . " I have no idea , " Stephen replied . The mission president and 2 missionaries who worked in the office came to pick me up several hours later . I was so exhausted , both mentally and physically , that I honestly had lost all connection to the Portuguese language . It was as if the language being spoken around me was coming in from very far away and although it sounded familiar , I couldn 't make out much of it , and when I tried to speak it , the words simply would not come to me . As the three of them were Brazilian and spoke very little English , the President finally gave up and resolved to put me on a bus with one of the office Elders and gave us instructions to go to his apartment . I assumed the President was going to find Elder Pereira , my companion , and try to make sense of this . The bus ride took 3 hours , and during that time I began to feel sick . For the next 3 days I stayed in a bedroom at the Mission President 's apartment . I could hold no food down and developed a fever . I remember lying in a small fold - out cot , sweating and waking over and over from bad dreams . I remember the President waking me up at one point . He seemed mad at me and demanded I tell him what happened . When I didn 't even attempt the story he got angry and yelled at me in Portuguese and left . Later an American Elder from Salt Lake who had come to the mission on the same day as I did was sent in to speak to me . He asked several times what happened , and I almost told him , but I knew that if I told , there was a chance that I would have to go back to that house , so I said nothing except , " I want to go home right now Elder . Tell the President that I want to go home right now . " The President drove me to the airport in his car himself two days later . My fever was gone by that point and I had started eating again . We had nothing to say to each other on the ride there . I felt guilty for not saying anything , but I knew that what was done was done . I have to give him credit for putting his arm around me and telling me , " Boa Sorte " which means " Good Luck " as I headed up the to the gate . The plane flew direct for 8 hours to Ft . Worth , Texas where I had a two hour layover . The trip was uneventful except that at some point I fell asleep and dreamed of a pink house in the middle of the forest and I woke up screaming . As I sat in the Dallas Fort Worth Airport reflecting on the events of the prior week , something came over me . I sat in the hard , plastic chairs outside my boarding gate and felt compelled to repeat the the final words Dona Judith said to me over and over in my mind . " Because you are innocent , because you are weak . " I repeated this filthy mantra something clicked in my head . I knew right then I couldn 't go home . Not because I would be returning home in shame . It had nothing to do with pride . I couldn 't return home , because if I did , I would go back to feeling safe and continue being both innocent and weak . I decided I would never again put myself in a position that evil could take notice of me . I took my suitcase into a handicapped bathroom stall and changed into a pair of street clothes . Then I walked out of the airport , leaving my life , my family , my mission and the church behind . " You mean you 've never seen your family since ? " asked Morse . " No , " said Stephen . Elder Leap leaned forward in his chair and looked solemnly into Stephen 's eyes . He hid none of his disdain when he said , " So you are saying you left everything important in your life behind because you were scared ? " Stephen stood up and pointed at Leap . " What happened to judge not lest ye be not judged ? " he shouted . " You weren 't there . You didn 't see her eyes . So yes , I left everything . And just to be sure that I 'm not falling into the ' innocent ' category , I do things . I smoke and drink , not because I like it , although I guess it has become a habit now , but because it is a vice . I subscribe a pornographic web site that sends 2 videos and 5 photos to my email every day . I even steal a candy bar from the Top Stop now and then . " The boys rose to their feet and Morse shuffled backward towards the door . Leap started to follow his companion , then turned and said , " Ok , fine , let 's say we believe everything you told us . But why did you decide to tell this story to us now ? Why ? " Stephen walked past the boys and opened the door , letting in the hot , desert breeze . He stared into Elder Morse 's round face and large eyes and said , " I had to . You see last night Dona Judith appeared to me in a dream . She told me that you would be coming . She told me to feed you and tell you my story . She told me that if I did this one thing , she would forgive my trespass . She told me to tell the story and then tell " the fat one " that she sees him , that she or someone like her will come for him . Because he is innocent , because he is weak . " Elder Leap grabbed his companion 's hand and pulled him out of Stephen 's front door , down the sidewalk , and into the street . Stephen watched them go . He continued watching them walk down the street until they turned left on Grove Avenue and he could see them no more . When they were out of sight , Stephen shut his front door , put his hands over his face , and wept for a long time . AnonymousNovember 14 , 2009great story . so tell me about this story and the evil people and all of that . I know that Doug had his evil people on his mission . Are these from you mission ? CarolynReplyDeleteMomNovember 14 , 2009Son , I liked this story very much ! Of course I was not surprised at the ending because I 'm your mom and remember your writings growing up ! Your English teacher commented that your writing was very good and captivating , but always a little on the dark side . Keep it coming ! ! ReplyDeletejaniceNovember 15 , 2009I love your writing style . I also like that you don 't feel the need to make your stories have a " happy ending " . Please keep writing and posting ! ReplyDeleteGayleneNovember 15 , 2009I 'm glad I 'm not elder Morse . . . very captivating , and I want more , more stories from you ! ReplyDeleteErikaNovember 16 , 2009Jake , I really liked it . Completely absorbing , with a touch of the scarey in the style of ( Say thankee Sai ) the Master . I picture the title being something like " Under the Spell " or maybe some variation , that incorporates the - - albeit necessary - - indoctrination missionaries go thru ( I didn 't say " brainwashing , " but cry your pardon if you think I 'm alluding to it ) and the trance that overtook Taylor . I was left wanting to know much , much more about Steve , which says to me that this story has room for development . Even though Jana told me you were happy to be done with it , and that you thought it sounded " juvinile " I was just turned on . I think Steve should be fleshed out more , whether in this story or another , do it please ya . Long days and pleasant nights , - eReplyDeleteSheri Dickson WoodsonNovember 18 , 2009Geez , Jake , do you have to go all hearts and flowers on us ? That was a good read - maybe not such a good bedtime story though ( made for some interesting dreaming , lol ) ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Blog dedicated to my writing and whatever else I want : movies , games , books , electronics , music , . . . anything Jake . The interior of my mind is a mixture of grindhouse , steampunk , Lovecraft , and 80 's pop . Be very afraid . So this story began as an homage to Rio de Janeiro , where I served my mission . I love Rio . I love the Brazilian culture and Brazilian people . I really had all the makings of an upbeat , LDS short story . But I probably wouldn 't have pulled that off , so I wrote an odd story because I 'm an odd person . If you read it , I hope you like it . Whether you like it or not I would love some help with a title for it and any feedback you could give me . Conviction Steven opened his rust - flecked screen door with a bang and squinted into the bright noonday sun . Two young men , one portly , with a sun - reddened , baby face , the other tall with bushy , black eyebrows , took a synchronized half step backwards to avoid the door from swiping their shins . " Good morning Sir , " said the cherubic youth , wearing a dark brown suit and yellow tie . " We are representatives of Jesus Christ and we have a very special message for you . " Steven knew three things before the sales pitch continued - first , that the sweating , young man addressing him was new at his job , second that the two were most likely famished , and third , that even though it was an extremely bad idea , Steven would be inviting them into his home for lunch and discussion . Although it had been over fifteen years since Steven himself had been an LDS missionary , he could recognize the telltale darting eyes of a newbie a mile a way , even if he hadn 't seen the Elder 's snug , new suit and polished shoes . Steven knew that over the next 20 months of walking and riding bikes in Nevada , Elder Morse , as indicated by the small black plastic tag engraved with white lettering clipped to his lapel , would gradually loose his pudgy stomach and toughen up like a trail - worn cowboy . By contrast , Elder Leap , undoubtedly the senior companion , wore a sun - faded jacket that was opened exposing a toothpaste - spotted tie that stopped about an inch short of a pair of tan Dockers that definitely weren 't purchased the same day as the boy 's blue suit coat . Leap 's weathered Doc Martins looked like they had recently been given new soles and new laces that almost , but didn 't quite match the shoe . Hypothetically , Steven could assume that the boys were hungry . In Steven 's experience , 19 to 21 year old young men are always hungry - usually for food , but also for knowledge , competition , and the bodies of young women . Steven guessed that it was more than general youthful hunger , however , as the two on his doorstep were knocking doors well within the lunch hour . Steven remembered that he had gone without food for two reasons while on his mission : he and his companion denied themselves of food and water when they were seriously in need of spiritual guidance and when they were out of money for the month . Since it was July 27th the boys probably had been short - sighted in their budgeting and were hard up for cash . If asked , the two may say they were fasting so that the Lord would guide them to His elect , but it was likely they were killing two birds with one stone . Steven decided he wanted to see how the green missionary would do in a contact - situation , and decided to play along . He said , " I have seen people like you around before … aren 't you Jehovah 's Witnesses ? " Elder Morse swallowed with an audible gulp , gave a sideways glance to his senior companion then turned his attention to the area around Steven 's pantlegs and stammered quickly , " We are similar to other sects you may have had visit you , but we represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . We have devoted two years of our lives to this work - would you have a minute to spare to hear about our Heavenly Father 's plan for you and your family ? " Steven allowed his eyes to drift to the left to which he hoped would make the young man feel like he was loosing Steven 's attention . It worked , because Morse quickly blurted , " We aren 't paid to do this work . I thought you would want to know that . " Steven smiled and looked at Leap , who came to his companion 's rescue . " Have you had Mormon missionaries in your home before ? " Steven paused for a few seconds , stepped back a few feet , motioned the boys to come in and said , " Come on in Elders . " Steven 's front room was dim , but neat and organized . His furniture was a mixture of Swedish shelving and overstuffed sofas . He liked to keep his house cool in the Nevada heat and the low light gave the room a cave - like feel . The only real sign that Steven ever occupied the room was a large , ornate ashtray in the middle of the coffee table . Steven watched , amused , as Elder Morse glanced at the ashtray for several seconds , then at Steven , then looked away hurriedly . Steven turned on a brass lamp and motioned for the two missionaries to take a seat at one of the couches . After the boys were seated on the large , green corduroy sofa , Steven began , " I 'm actually a member of your church … at least I was many years ago . I suppose that my name is still on the Church 's records . " Elder Morse smiled , but his eyebrows rose in unmistakable surprise . Elder Leap only nodded for Steven to continue . Steven said , " I know that it is a little disappointing for you to discover a failed member of your church … it must make you feel like you are taking a step backwards … but I actually had a reason for letting you in . I just made a big pot of chili , and I thought you boys might like some … that is if you aren 't fasting today . " Steven was looking at Leap when he said it and was unsurprised that the senior companion began shaking his head slowly . Elder Morse , however , spurted , " Thanks ! That sounds great . " Leap shot his companion a dark look , but rather than giving them time to reach an agreement , Steven jumped to his feet and headed into the kitchen . After positioning TV trays in front of the two young men and filling the trays with large brimming bowls of black bean and steak chili , plates of buttered sourdough rolls and glass tumblers containing cream soda on ice , Steven sat on the adjoining sofa and popped the top of a Coors Light . Elder Leap , still wearing a pained expression over their broken fast , asked Steven if they could please bless the food . Steven smiled and said , " Sure … whatever . " After the blessing over the food ( given curtly by Elder Leap ) the two began poking at their chili . They started tentatively at first , but when Steven told them there was " plenty more where that came from " they dug in . After a few minutes of spoons clicking against bowls , Elder Morse , with a mouthful of steak asked , " So , how long have you been a member of the Church ? " The room grew silent enough to hear the pnematic wheeze of the air conditioner as it kicked back on . " Well , " he started , " I was born into the Mormon Church . I 'm actually a fourth generation Mormon and I was born in Salt Lake . Its funny , I 've had missionaries knock on my door before , but this is the first time I have spoken to Mormon missionaries in over 21 years . Normally I look out the window and just ignore them . In fact , the last time I spoke to an Elder , I was on my own mission in Brazil . " Steven didn 't bother waiting for the boys to question him . He knew from the puzzled looks on their faces that they would be a captive audience to his tale , even when their mouths weren 't chewing . My mission had all the heat of Nevada , but in Rio De Janeiro , Brazil , you have the added bonus of humidity . No contest between wet heat and dry heat . From the second I got off the airplane at the Santos Dumont airport , I started sweating , and really never stopped . In fact , I didn 't ever towel off in the mornings when I showered before leaving our apartment . . . I just put on my clothes wet . I figured I would be wet in a few minutes anyway , and at least it was clean water I was wet with , and not sweat . Normally , the only relief from sweating was the daily rainstorm that rolled around after lunch and seemed to be made up of drops the size of your thumb . And that was in the dry season ! In the rainy season the locals always asked us if we were made of sugar , because if we were , the rain falling practically all day , every day for months would surely be the end of us . The fact that we didn 't have cars and bikes like you guys in the states normally do didn 't help . Of course in Rio , there were so many people everywhere , it made a lot more sense walking because it was easier to get the word out . People made contact with you whether you wanted it or not . There are quite a few differences between Americans and Brazilians , but the most noticeable has to be the difference in the " personal bubble " . In the USA , if someone you know , like a friend , comes up to talk to you , they usually leave three feet or so between you when they talk to you . Brazilians , on the other hand , give you a good two feet max , and that 's when you first meet them . Anyway , my first area was outside the city of Rio in a quaint , almost European - like town called Itatiaia . From the cobblestone streets , to the architecture , to the green hillsides that surrounded it , the little town really wasn 't how I had imagined Rio , especially after horror stories about the crime and poverty I had heard in the Mission Training Center in Provo . My trainer and companion was a short , squat Brazilian from the Amazon a few years older than me . He was dark brown , had a lazy eye , and his name was Elder Pereira . Pereira was a quiet guy who talked very slow and walked very fast . He pushed me to memorize the discussions , a requisite for becoming a senior companion , and since there weren 't any other Americans anywhere around me , I learned to understand Portuguese very quickly . As the days and weeks went by I understood more about my companion . He had become a missionary exactly 1 year and one month from being baptized a member of the church . His father had come to his baptism only so he could see for himself that his oldest son was really going to leave the Baptist church against his wishes , and then when he did , to disown him . Pereira lived with LDS friends for the year before his mission , doing his best to absorb everything he could read about the church . He informed me that when he returned home he had a plan to become an electrician . When I inquired about his bad eye , he told me a story about something that happened when he was 4 years old . I couldn 't really understand it , but it had something to do with getting really sick . It was only after I had been in Brazil for about 3 months that people were just beginning to understand my Portuguese . Prior to this time , it was common for me to finish reading a whole page from the discussion material and look up , sweating and exonly to have someone say , " I didn 't understand anything this guy said . " We were teaching a few people around the city and things were going pretty well . One day we were told about a family by the name of Cardoso who were related by marriage to a church member named Valdir , and who lived a few miles out of town in an area everyone called Contorno . They had come to the church once with their relatives for a baby blessing or something and were interested in having the missionaries teach them . The first time we went out to the Cardoso house , Valdir came with us . We took a bus I had never been on before , and after 3 or 4 turns hit a very narrow road that wove its way up a small valley . After nearly 45 minutes , Valdir motioned for us to stand and then pulled the bus cord , buzzing the driver to stop . We dismounted the bus onto an orange dirt road , which was really little more than two side - by - side trails through the trees . We followed Valdir up the road which entered a thick green forest . After about 10 minutes of walking we came to a fork in the road . On the left , the road became a muddy , mucky version of the path we were on . On the right , the road narrowed even further and seemed to get choked out by vegetation altogether after a few hundred yards . Of course Valdir pointed us up the muddy path , and a few minutes later we came to his sister Maria 's white , brick house surrounded by chicken coops . After a nice first discussion sitting on overturned 5 - gallon buckets on the front porch , the Joao Cardoso asked us to stay for a dinner of pan - fried beef steak , black beans , collard greens cooked in bacon grease , and extremely sweet mango juice . They told us they would be happy to come to church on Sunday , and Elder Pereira scheduled a time to come back the following week . I have to say that the whole way down the trail and even the 40 minutes we waited for the bus , I was feeling very happy and excited about my mission and this adventure I was having in another country . I was feeling even a little cocky that my Portuguese was understood as well as it had been during the meeting with the Cardosos . When the bus finally arrived it was nearly dark . I sat near the window and as the bus started down the road , I looked to my left , back up the hill we had come down , and saw a light shining through the trees . I could tell it wasn 't the Cardoso home and asked Valdir if he knew who lived there . Valdir , who was already settling in to nap on the bus ride back to the station looked out to where I was pointing , turned back to mI remembered the following week when Elder Pereira and I headed up to the Cardoso home , so I pointed down the unkempt trail leading to the right at the fork in the road and said in my thick American accent , " What did Valdir say about that place ? " Pereira didn 't slow his pace at all and just said , " E ' um lugar mal , " which means , " It is a bad place . " I stopped and after about 5 or 6 steps Elder Pereira stopped and turned around . I told him he had to explain more to me . He said , " It is a place of Macumba , an evil place . " In the month or two before my mission I had read everything I could find about Rio and Brazil in general and I remembered something about Macumba being a religion that was a mixture of African voodoo and Catholism . I remembered back to something that happened my 3rd week in Brasil with Elder Pereira . We had been walking up one of the cobblestone sidewalks , heading to a lunch appointment when we came across what looked to be a full dinner that had been laid in the middle of the sidewalk . Pereira sidestepped quickly off the curb into the street to avoid the oddly placed meal as if were a sleeping homeless person , but I just walked up to it and stared at it , trying to figure out what it was . A red cloth had been laid down like a placemat and on it sat a large plate of food . There was a chicken breast , beans , rice and some kind of leafy green . There was a cup of what looked like red wine and a cigar sitting to the side of the plate . Elder Pereira came back to me and at first looked like he was going to try to explain the plate of food to me , but then seemed to change his mind , suspecting that I wouldn 't understand anything with 3 weeks of Portuguese , and just said to me , " Nao toca , e ' Macumba " or " Don 't touch , it 's Macumba . " I thought about asking the Cardosos about it , maybe working it into part of the conversation , but the second discussion is when we usually invite people to prepare to be baptized and I was a little nervous when it fell on me to ask them , it so I forgot to bring it up . After the discussion and another one of Maria Cardoso 's enormous lunches I was flying high . Not only had the Cardosos gone to church the past Sunday , but the man of the house , Joao Cardoso , actually interrupted me before I was able to ask them to be baptized , and asked ME what they needed to do to join our church . As we tromped down the trail after the discussion in the early afternoon heat , I felt so good I started to sing , " Unchained Melody " loudly , remembering Pereira had told me it was his favorite American song . I was just getting to " . . . and time , goes by , so slowly . . . " when suddenly I started to feel what I can only describe as complete dread . The strange thing was that it came on all at once . I went from feeling euphorically happy to feeling incredibly bad in just a few seconds . First I felt chilled , like we had walked into a cold pocket , then I had the sensation that someone was watching us . The way I stopped singing probably sounded like I was a radio with a volume dial being turned down . About 20 feet ahead , the fork in the road was visible . I was suddenly sure about two things right then : A woman was standing in the trees on the very fringe of my peripheral vision , and that if I turned my head to look at her something horrible would happen to us . This was a feeling , but it was so clear to me that it was almost like someone had spoken it in my mind . I couldn 't really make out details other than I could tell it was a woman . She seemed to be either a black woman , or a woman standing in shadows . The feeling of being watched was real , although I don 't know why I felt so terrified of her . Mind you , I was 19 years old and after 4 years of high school rugby was in pretty good shape , and not many people intimidated me . I remember thinking that wSteven sat up and looked at the boys ' TV trays , stood up , grabbed both bowls and left the room . He returned with two more heaping servings of the chili with another piece of thickly buttered bread perched atop each bowl . Setting the bowls down in front of the boys , he crossed the room , sat down again , and took a small pull from his beer . " Wait a minute , " said Morse . " Do you do you think that was a ghost , or a bad spirit or something ? " " No , it was just a woman . " Steven said . Leap asked , " Did you see the woman again ? " " I did , as a matter of fact . " Steven said . We talked it over the next few days . Elder Pereira told me that he felt something similar to the dark feeling I felt , but that he had seen no woman standing in the trees . He said that he felt bad inside as we walked near the fork in the road , so when I started running , he decided to run too . I specifically remember him saying that that he had felt " scared the way a child feels scared . " We talked about going back to the Cardosos . They were at a point right now that we needed to visit them regularly . They needed to hear four more discussions before they could be baptized . Pereira suggested that we ask them to come to the church in town to hear the discussions , but we knew they couldn 't afford the bus fare to do that once a week , and go to church on Sunday too . We discussed teaching them after church on Sunday , but after 3 hours of meetings their kids would be hungry and restless . I suggested that we call the Mission President and see what he thought , but Pereira thought we should call our Zone Leaders , Elder Taylor and Elder Block . We visited a few members we hadn 't seen in church until about 9 : 30 that night and when we figured Taylor and Block would be home for the night , we bought some pay phone tokens and called them . Elder Pereira proceeded to tell one of the ZL 's the story , although his account was so short I felt there was no way to do justice to how strange the experience had been . After listening for a while , saying , " Ta bom . " and hanging up , Pereira told me that they were coming to meet us at our apartment first thing the next morning . We had just sat down to eat our breakfast when they arrived . Taylor was an enormous Idaho farm kid with a flattop , a nose sunburn , and hands like oven mitts . Block , the senior companion was from Salt Lake me . All I really knew of Block was that he liked telling people that he was related on his mother 's side to Ezra Taft Benson , who was the President of the Church at the time . Taylor was big , but seemed to be shy and most comfortable looking and listening . When he spoke , his " lingua Portuguesa " didn 't sound like he was three months from reaching the end of his two year mission , in fact it sounded a little worse than mine . The two walked into our tiny , two room rental and while Taylor investigated the papaya and french bread set out for our breakfast , Block came over to me and started questioning me rapid - fire in English . Pereira , who couldn 't speak more than 5 or 6 English words looked uncomfortable . Block said , " OK , Elder Crenshaw , what 's the deal . Your comp said you guys thought someone wanted to hurt you when you were leaving an investigator 's house ? " I told him my story the best I could , but I started to get irritated as Block seemed to lose interest quickly . " So you saw a woman and felt a bad spirit ? " Block asked . " Well here 's the deal , we have a busy day scheduled so we need to do a split . I think Elder Taylor and your companion should go back to our area and visit the families we have scheduled there , and you and I can go talk to this woman . I 've had some experience with this kind of thing . " I could tell Elder Pereira wasn 't happy with this resolution and seemed to almost be irritated with me , like I had somehow orchestrated him out of the picture . He said nothing to me as Elder Taylor polished off our french bread , and we left for the bus station . All I got out of him was a muffled , " Tchau " when he and Taylor split up with us at the bus station entrance . I would probably have said more if I knew that was to be the last time I ever spoke to my softspoken companion . On 45 minute bus ride over , I was forced to hear Elder Block gloat about how he had become a senior companion in only 2 months because he was able to speak the language so proficiently . He also talked about the full ride scholarship he had to BYU , and of course , his favorite topic of how his mother 's 2nd cousin was Ezra Taft Benson 's niece or something . When I couldn 't stand it anymore I asked , " So you get together with him much ? " He pulled out a photo of a group of people and pointed to a man in the middle who looked kind of like President Benson , then to a woman holding a baby and said , " And that is me , right next to him . " He must have figured I wasn 't impressed , which I wasn 't , and we didn 't talk the rest of the bouncy bus ride . We got off the bus around 11am and walked to the fork in the road . As we approached it , it struck me once again how the trail on the right seemed to get more and more narrow , choked by vegetation to the point of disappearing . I suggested to Block that we go up to the Cardoso house first and ask them what they knew about their neighbors , but he wouldn 't hear it . He actually reminded me that he was senior companion , not to mention Zone Leader , and he would be making the decisions . I knew he was upset that I hadn 't been impressed by his family tree and I kind of kicked myself then and there for not being a little more political . He started up the path and I followed . After 2 or 3 minutes it did seem like the path had ended into a wall of green , but we pushed through a little further and found the trail again . When i realized noting was going to intercede or redirect us , I began to feel a heavy , sick feeling in my stomach . We continued on for about 15 minutes through the thick forest . The taller trees blocked the sunlight , and the shorter trees soaked us with their damp leaves . When we emerged into a muddy clearing I was hot , sweaty and itchy . The clearing was the sort of rural sprawl I had grown accustom to outside the city . It lead up to a pink house , the one I had seen from the road , that on closer inspection looked like it was built using a haphazard assortment of plywood and brick and painted over with some kind of pink paint that had run down the walls and into the dirt . To the left there was a squat barn with a pig pen in the front . Broken children 's toys and refuse littered every square inch of the muddy clearing . Black chickens roamed and pecked through the yard freely . There was a gnarled black root of a woman in a wooden rocking chair on the porch in front of the pink house . I tried to give my best doubtful look to Elder Block with the hopes we could get out of there , but he avoided my glance and started to pick his way towards the house . The woman made no indication that she had seen us , even when we mounted the first of the porch steps . Elder Block secured his bag between his knees leaving his hands free to clap a greeting , which is customary instead of knocking on the door in Brazil . The old woman did not look up , but after a few minutes a tall , skinny boy I put at maybe 14 or 15 in a pair of ratty shorts came out of the front door . He didn 't seemed very surprised to see us and asked us what we wanted . Block asked if the " Man of the house " was in . The kid rolled his white eyes and laughed and said , " Man of the house , that 's ME . " Block then asked the kid if his mother was home . Without taking his eyes off of us the kid tilted his head back a bit and shouted for his mom . At first we heard no sound coming from the inside of the house , then a soft scraping as a woman emerged from the shadows inside the house . The woman , who looked to be in her 40 's , was wearing a flowing , white skirt , a dark colored halter - top and sandals . Her straight , black hair framed her dark face and accentuated her large , white eyes . At once I felt an anxiety begin to creep into me . I knew that this was the same woman who had been watching me . I felt the same animosity seem to surround her like a cloud , and when she looked at me I could not meet her gaze for more than a few seconds . Elder Block must not have sensed anything , because he introduced us without hesitation and asked the woman her name . The woman pursed her lips and said that she was Dona Judith and she " knew very well who WE were . " Block seemed unphased by the statement . He told Dona Judith nonchalantly that we were teaching a family up the road , the Cardosos , and asked if she knew them . She said , " Claro " or of course . She laughed a light titter which made me break out in goose bumps and staring out from the hair that hung around her face , she held open the door and motioned for us to come into her home saying , " Entra . " Block walked right in , but I stood there for a moment . I looked from the young man sitting on the porch , who gave me a smirk , to the old woman in the rocking chair who stared out into the jungle , then back to the large white eyes of Judith . She said nothing , neither changed her expression , but I still felt like Hansel on the candy - house porch . I felt trapped , but I couldn 't see myself bolting down the porch steps , as much as I wanted to . For one thing , mission rules dictate that you stay with your companion always , for another , I was a little afraid of what Block would do if I up and ditched him . The room we were led into did nothing to soothe my anxiety . The furniture consisted of 3 wooden chairs and 2 benches made from planks stretched across stacks of orange brick . The floor was uneven cement . A TV that looked older than I was cast a green - tinted glare on the room . The green - tinted actress in the soap opera on the TV was crying and being soothed by a green - tinted shirtless man with a mustache . Shelves which lined all 4 walls of the room held statues and small paintings of saints . I was familiar with seeing Catholic saints in people 's homes . While paintings were the most common , I had entered a few homes with small shrine - like tables dedicated to statues of the Virgin Mary . Because the room was dim I assumed at first that this was more of the same , but there were so many of them compared to what I had seen , and all of them had a small white candle placed before them . Some of the candles had been burned and the wax had run and made small grey icicles before dripping down to the floor . Block had already taken a seat in one of the wooden chairs and I sat next to him . Dona Judith called for the boy , who 's name was Tiago , and directed him to bring the old woman in and join us . We waited as Tiago slowly led the stooped woman inside the home and across from us into the remaining chair before joining Judith on the bench . I remember wanting to tell Elder Block that I wasn 't feeling good and that I wanted to leave , but every time I started to do so , I felt Judith 's stare from across the room and I could not make myself speak because of it . Besides the dim lighting and the idols , some carven and crude and some elaborately painted and dressing cloth , the room had a smell to it that while not overpowering , was strong enough to give me the beginnings of a headache . I smelled farm smells , low and pungent below everything , but above it , food , the onion and bean smell I had become accustom to . Mingled with this was the scent of unwashed bodies which became stronger when Tiago brought in the old woman . An odor of illness wafted behind the old woman as she shuffled by , and looking down I saw that one of her feet was wrapped in old gauze , and a yellow patch of seepage could be seen near the ankle . The smell that bothered me the most in the house was an earthy , burnt smell , like dust cooking on a space - heater . I kept trying to get Block 's attention as Tiago and the old woman were taking a seat , but I was dismayed to see that his normally aggressive , engaged demeanor was gone . It was as if entering the house had stunned or shocked him in someway . He just kept staring at Judith with a blank look on his face . Normally I was the reserved one of any companionship , mostly because I the language was still pretty tough for me . Still , I tried to step up and take an active roll at this point if for no other reason than to get us out of there as quickly as possible . I asked Tiago if he played soccer . Tiago looked at Dona Judith and said nothing . I asked the old woman her name . She looked back at me with black glittering eye deep set in her wrinkled face but said nothing . Finally , in almost exasperation , I asked Dona Judith if we could give them a message about Jesus Christ and a Plan Our Heavenly Father has for her and her family . It was at this point that Dona Judith stood up very quickly and walked to the shelf nearest to her . She reached into the folds of her skirt and produced a box of wooden matches . Without a word she began lighting candle after candle , making her way around the room . I remember turning to Elder Block and saying , " We have to leave right now . " He continued to watch Dona Judith make her way around the room and made no sign of hearing me . I grabbed his arm nearest to me with both hands and said , " Elder . Elder ! " but he continued to ignore me expressionless . I stood up in a panic and looked at the doorway that would lead me back to the porch . I took 2 steps towards the exit when I heard a voice say in English , " Steven , you cannot leave . " I looked back and Judith was standing in the middle of the room and smiling an enormous smile , her teeth and white eyes glinting in the candlelight . Elder Block stood up and walked as if sleepwalking to Judith 's side , where he knelt down and placed his forehead on the cement floor at her feet . To my left the old woman began to speak low and so rapidly that I could not understandI still held my leather valise which contained my scriptures , 3 Book of Mormons , several pamphlets and a bus schedule . I threw the bag at Tiago , but threw it too hard and high and it hit the shelf behind him . Three candles went out as the bag struck them and the little statues behind them causing the whole mess to crash to the floor . I looked once more toward Elder Block who was still prostrate at Judith 's feet . I no longer felt worried about what he would do to me if I left him . From the little I could see on his face in the greenish glow of the TV , Elder Block had already left , however temporarily , I didn 't know . I crashed out the door and fell down the porch steps into the mud and muck . I scrambled to my feet in time to hear Dona Judith screech and to catch a glimpse of Tiago 's long brown legs and arms as he flashed out of the house after me . I sprinted through the wreck of a yard , scattering chickens as I ran and hurtled into the forest looking desperately for the trail . I heard Tiago , all grunts and footfalls only a few yards behind me and abandoned all thought of finding the trail . I ran desperately , jumping over rotted logs , zig - zagging around trees , but not so desperately that I ran wild . I had the idea that I was heading the right way generally so I focused all my effort on not slamming into a tree . Tiago , who was lank and lean with a runner 's body , and who undoubtedly knew this forest much better than I did , kept up with me and even began to gain . I started to imagine the feel of his knife piercing my side , and the painful stitch I was developing from running only reinforced this thought . I finally was able to calm my mind enough to realize that I needed to face Tiago before just that sort of thing happened . When I looked over my shoulder expecting to see him bearing down on me , there was no one there . I stopped and looked all around me in panic . I looked back the way I came and saw nothing . I bent over and put my hands on my knees and tried to slow my ragged breathing so I could listen for sounds of movement I heard nothing . Once again I looked back the way I came . Judith stood about 20 yards away like a statue , glaring at me , her face a mask of hate . I felt paralyzed by the dread of her presence . It wasn 't until I looked lower and saw her stained , white skirt and dripping hands that my paralysis broke . I ran from her . This time my running was in no way calculated or careful . I slammed my hip into a large boulder . I caught my foot in a gnarled root and just kept my balance enough to sprawl through a thorny bush . I ran until I finally emerged scratched and bleeding near the road and kept running down the middle of " That is pretty much the story , " Stephen said after a long pause . The two missionaries were glassy - eyed , hypnotized by the heavy lunch and Stephen 's tale . At some point Morse had picked up a yellow throw pillow off the couch and had set it in his lap . He was likely oblivious to the fact that he was now hugging it with both arms and resting his chin on it . Leap was sitting forward with a pained look on his face , as if he had just pulled a muscle in his back . " I ran down the road until an old truck came up behind me , " Stephen continued . " I tried to explain what happened to the driver but my Portuguese had pretty much left the building at that point . The man must have understood something because he dropped me off at the bus station in town , looking very relieved to part ways with this dirty , wild - eyed gringo . I called the mission president 's house from the bus station then sat under the bank of phones with my head against the wall for a long , long time . " " What happened to Elder Block ? " asked Elder Leap . " I have no idea , " Stephen replied . The mission president and 2 missionaries who worked in the office came to pick me up several hours later . I was so exhausted , both mentally and physically , that I honestly had lost all connection to the Portuguese language . It was as if the language being spoken around me was coming in from very far away and although it sounded familiar , I couldn 't make out much of it , and when I tried to speak it , the words simply would not come to me . As the three of them were Brazilian and spoke very little English , the President finally gave up and resolved to put me on a bus with one of the office Elders and gave us instructions to go to his apartment . I assumed the President was going to find Elder Pereira , my companion , and try to make sense of this . The bus ride took 3 hours , and during that time I began to feel sick . For the next 3 days I stayed in a bedroom at the Mission President 's apartment . I could hold no food down and developed a fever . I remember lying in a small fold - out cot , sweating and waking over and over from bad dreams . I remember the President waking me up at one point . He seemed mad at me and demanded I tell him what happened . When I didn 't even attempt the story he got angry and yelled at me in Portuguese and left . Later an American Elder from Salt Lake who had come to the mission on the same day as I did was sent in to speak to me . He asked several times what happened , and I almost told him , but I knew that if I told , there was a chance that I would have to go back to that house , so I said nothing except , " I want to go home right now Elder . Tell the President that I want to go home right now . " The President drove me to the airport in his car himself two days later . My fever was gone by that point and I had started eating again . We had nothing to say to each other on the ride there . I felt guilty for not saying anything , but I knew that what was done was done . I have to give him credit for putting his arm around me and telling me , " Boa Sorte " which means " Good Luck " as I headed up the to the gate . The plane flew direct for 8 hours to Ft . Worth , Texas where I had a two hour layover . The trip was uneventful except that at some point I fell asleep and dreamed of a pink house in the middle of the forest and I woke up screaming . As I sat in the Dallas Fort Worth Airport reflecting on the events of the prior week , something came over me . I sat in the hard , plastic chairs outside my boarding gate and felt compelled to repeat the the final words Dona Judith said to me over and over in my mind . " Because you are innocent , because you are weak . " I repeated this filthy mantra something clicked in my head . I knew right then I couldn 't go home . Not because I would be returning home in shame . It had nothing to do with pride . I couldn 't return home , because if I did , I would go back to feeling safe and continue being both innocent and weak . I decided I would never again put myself in a position that evil could take notice of me . I took my suitcase into a handicapped bathroom stall and changed into a pair of street clothes . Then I walked out of the airport , leaving my life , my family , my mission and the church behind . " You mean you 've never seen your family since ? " asked Morse . " No , " said Stephen . Elder Leap leaned forward in his chair and looked solemnly into Stephen 's eyes . He hid none of his disdain when he said , " So you are saying you left everything important in your life behind because you were scared ? " Stephen stood up and pointed at Leap . " What happened to judge not lest ye be not judged ? " he shouted . " You weren 't there . You didn 't see her eyes . So yes , I left everything . And just to be sure that I 'm not falling into the ' innocent ' category , I do things . I smoke and drink , not because I like it , although I guess it has become a habit now , but because it is a vice . I subscribe a pornographic web site that sends 2 videos and 5 photos to my email every day . I even steal a candy bar from the Top Stop now and then . " The boys rose to their feet and Morse shuffled backward towards the door . Leap started to follow his companion , then turned and said , " Ok , fine , let 's say we believe everything you told us . But why did you decide to tell this story to us now ? Why ? " Stephen walked past the boys and opened the door , letting in the hot , desert breeze . He stared into Elder Morse 's round face and large eyes and said , " I had to . You see last night Dona Judith appeared to me in a dream . She told me that you would be coming . She told me to feed you and tell you my story . She told me that if I did this one thing , she would forgive my trespass . She told me to tell the story and then tell " the fat one " that she sees him , that she or someone like her will come for him . Because he is innocent , because he is weak . " Elder Leap grabbed his companion 's hand and pulled him out of Stephen 's front door , down the sidewalk , and into the street . Stephen watched them go . He continued watching them walk down the street until they turned left on Grove Avenue and he could see them no more . When they were out of sight , Stephen shut his front door , put his hands over his face , and wept for a long time . AnonymousNovember 14 , 2009great story . so tell me about this story and the evil people and all of that . I know that Doug had his evil people on his mission . Are these from you mission ? CarolynReplyDeleteMomNovember 14 , 2009Son , I liked this story very much ! Of course I was not surprised at the ending because I 'm your mom and remember your writings growing up ! Your English teacher commented that your writing was very good and captivating , but always a little on the dark side . Keep it coming ! ! ReplyDeletejaniceNovember 15 , 2009I love your writing style . I also like that you don 't feel the need to make your stories have a " happy ending " . Please keep writing and posting ! ReplyDeleteGayleneNovember 15 , 2009I 'm glad I 'm not elder Morse . . . very captivating , and I want more , more stories from you ! ReplyDeleteErikaNovember 16 , 2009Jake , I really liked it . Completely absorbing , with a touch of the scarey in the style of ( Say thankee Sai ) the Master . I picture the title being something like " Under the Spell " or maybe some variation , that incorporates the - - albeit necessary - - indoctrination missionaries go thru ( I didn 't say " brainwashing , " but cry your pardon if you think I 'm alluding to it ) and the trance that overtook Taylor . I was left wanting to know much , much more about Steve , which says to me that this story has room for development . Even though Jana told me you were happy to be done with it , and that you thought it sounded " juvinile " I was just turned on . I think Steve should be fleshed out more , whether in this story or another , do it please ya . Long days and pleasant nights , - eReplyDeleteSheri Dickson WoodsonNovember 18 , 2009Geez , Jake , do you have to go all hearts and flowers on us ? That was a good read - maybe not such a good bedtime story though ( made for some interesting dreaming , lol ) ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Blog dedicated to my writing and whatever else I want : movies , games , books , electronics , music , . . . anything Jake . The interior of my mind is a mixture of grindhouse , steampunk , Lovecraft , and 80 's pop . Be very afraid . So this story began as an homage to Rio de Janeiro , where I served my mission . I love Rio . I love the Brazilian culture and Brazilian people . I really had all the makings of an upbeat , LDS short story . But I probably wouldn 't have pulled that off , so I wrote an odd story because I 'm an odd person . If you read it , I hope you like it . Whether you like it or not I would love some help with a title for it and any feedback you could give me . Conviction Steven opened his rust - flecked screen door with a bang and squinted into the bright noonday sun . Two young men , one portly , with a sun - reddened , baby face , the other tall with bushy , black eyebrows , took a synchronized half step backwards to avoid the door from swiping their shins . " Good morning Sir , " said the cherubic youth , wearing a dark brown suit and yellow tie . " We are representatives of Jesus Christ and we have a very special message for you . " Steven knew three things before the sales pitch continued - first , that the sweating , young man addressing him was new at his job , second that the two were most likely famished , and third , that even though it was an extremely bad idea , Steven would be inviting them into his home for lunch and discussion . Although it had been over fifteen years since Steven himself had been an LDS missionary , he could recognize the telltale darting eyes of a newbie a mile a way , even if he hadn 't seen the Elder 's snug , new suit and polished shoes . Steven knew that over the next 20 months of walking and riding bikes in Nevada , Elder Morse , as indicated by the small black plastic tag engraved with white lettering clipped to his lapel , would gradually loose his pudgy stomach and toughen up like a trail - worn cowboy . By contrast , Elder Leap , undoubtedly the senior companion , wore a sun - faded jacket that was opened exposing a toothpaste - spotted tie that stopped about an inch short of a pair of tan Dockers that definitely weren 't purchased the same day as the boy 's blue suit coat . Leap 's weathered Doc Martins looked like they had recently been given new soles and new laces that almost , but didn 't quite match the shoe . Hypothetically , Steven could assume that the boys were hungry . In Steven 's experience , 19 to 21 year old young men are always hungry - usually for food , but also for knowledge , competition , and the bodies of young women . Steven guessed that it was more than general youthful hunger , however , as the two on his doorstep were knocking doors well within the lunch hour . Steven remembered that he had gone without food for two reasons while on his mission : he and his companion denied themselves of food and water when they were seriously in need of spiritual guidance and when they were out of money for the month . Since it was July 27th the boys probably had been short - sighted in their budgeting and were hard up for cash . If asked , the two may say they were fasting so that the Lord would guide them to His elect , but it was likely they were killing two birds with one stone . Steven decided he wanted to see how the green missionary would do in a contact - situation , and decided to play along . He said , " I have seen people like you around before … aren 't you Jehovah 's Witnesses ? " Elder Morse swallowed with an audible gulp , gave a sideways glance to his senior companion then turned his attention to the area around Steven 's pantlegs and stammered quickly , " We are similar to other sects you may have had visit you , but we represent the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints . We have devoted two years of our lives to this work - would you have a minute to spare to hear about our Heavenly Father 's plan for you and your family ? " Steven allowed his eyes to drift to the left to which he hoped would make the young man feel like he was loosing Steven 's attention . It worked , because Morse quickly blurted , " We aren 't paid to do this work . I thought you would want to know that . " Steven smiled and looked at Leap , who came to his companion 's rescue . " Have you had Mormon missionaries in your home before ? " Steven paused for a few seconds , stepped back a few feet , motioned the boys to come in and said , " Come on in Elders . " Steven 's front room was dim , but neat and organized . His furniture was a mixture of Swedish shelving and overstuffed sofas . He liked to keep his house cool in the Nevada heat and the low light gave the room a cave - like feel . The only real sign that Steven ever occupied the room was a large , ornate ashtray in the middle of the coffee table . Steven watched , amused , as Elder Morse glanced at the ashtray for several seconds , then at Steven , then looked away hurriedly . Steven turned on a brass lamp and motioned for the two missionaries to take a seat at one of the couches . After the boys were seated on the large , green corduroy sofa , Steven began , " I 'm actually a member of your church … at least I was many years ago . I suppose that my name is still on the Church 's records . " Elder Morse smiled , but his eyebrows rose in unmistakable surprise . Elder Leap only nodded for Steven to continue . Steven said , " I know that it is a little disappointing for you to discover a failed member of your church … it must make you feel like you are taking a step backwards … but I actually had a reason for letting you in . I just made a big pot of chili , and I thought you boys might like some … that is if you aren 't fasting today . " Steven was looking at Leap when he said it and was unsurprised that the senior companion began shaking his head slowly . Elder Morse , however , spurted , " Thanks ! That sounds great . " Leap shot his companion a dark look , but rather than giving them time to reach an agreement , Steven jumped to his feet and headed into the kitchen . After positioning TV trays in front of the two young men and filling the trays with large brimming bowls of black bean and steak chili , plates of buttered sourdough rolls and glass tumblers containing cream soda on ice , Steven sat on the adjoining sofa and popped the top of a Coors Light . Elder Leap , still wearing a pained expression over their broken fast , asked Steven if they could please bless the food . Steven smiled and said , " Sure … whatever . " After the blessing over the food ( given curtly by Elder Leap ) the two began poking at their chili . They started tentatively at first , but when Steven told them there was " plenty more where that came from " they dug in . After a few minutes of spoons clicking against bowls , Elder Morse , with a mouthful of steak asked , " So , how long have you been a member of the Church ? " The room grew silent enough to hear the pnematic wheeze of the air conditioner as it kicked back on . " Well , " he started , " I was born into the Mormon Church . I 'm actually a fourth generation Mormon and I was born in Salt Lake . Its funny , I 've had missionaries knock on my door before , but this is the first time I have spoken to Mormon missionaries in over 21 years . Normally I look out the window and just ignore them . In fact , the last time I spoke to an Elder , I was on my own mission in Brazil . " Steven didn 't bother waiting for the boys to question him . He knew from the puzzled looks on their faces that they would be a captive audience to his tale , even when their mouths weren 't chewing . My mission had all the heat of Nevada , but in Rio De Janeiro , Brazil , you have the added bonus of humidity . No contest between wet heat and dry heat . From the second I got off the airplane at the Santos Dumont airport , I started sweating , and really never stopped . In fact , I didn 't ever towel off in the mornings when I showered before leaving our apartment . . . I just put on my clothes wet . I figured I would be wet in a few minutes anyway , and at least it was clean water I was wet with , and not sweat . Normally , the only relief from sweating was the daily rainstorm that rolled around after lunch and seemed to be made up of drops the size of your thumb . And that was in the dry season ! In the rainy season the locals always asked us if we were made of sugar , because if we were , the rain falling practically all day , every day for months would surely be the end of us . The fact that we didn 't have cars and bikes like you guys in the states normally do didn 't help . Of course in Rio , there were so many people everywhere , it made a lot more sense walking because it was easier to get the word out . People made contact with you whether you wanted it or not . There are quite a few differences between Americans and Brazilians , but the most noticeable has to be the difference in the " personal bubble " . In the USA , if someone you know , like a friend , comes up to talk to you , they usually leave three feet or so between you when they talk to you . Brazilians , on the other hand , give you a good two feet max , and that 's when you first meet them . Anyway , my first area was outside the city of Rio in a quaint , almost European - like town called Itatiaia . From the cobblestone streets , to the architecture , to the green hillsides that surrounded it , the little town really wasn 't how I had imagined Rio , especially after horror stories about the crime and poverty I had heard in the Mission Training Center in Provo . My trainer and companion was a short , squat Brazilian from the Amazon a few years older than me . He was dark brown , had a lazy eye , and his name was Elder Pereira . Pereira was a quiet guy who talked very slow and walked very fast . He pushed me to memorize the discussions , a requisite for becoming a senior companion , and since there weren 't any other Americans anywhere around me , I learned to understand Portuguese very quickly . As the days and weeks went by I understood more about my companion . He had become a missionary exactly 1 year and one month from being baptized a member of the church . His father had come to his baptism only so he could see for himself that his oldest son was really going to leave the Baptist church against his wishes , and then when he did , to disown him . Pereira lived with LDS friends for the year before his mission , doing his best to absorb everything he could read about the church . He informed me that when he returned home he had a plan to become an electrician . When I inquired about his bad eye , he told me a story about something that happened when he was 4 years old . I couldn 't really understand it , but it had something to do with getting really sick . It was only after I had been in Brazil for about 3 months that people were just beginning to understand my Portuguese . Prior to this time , it was common for me to finish reading a whole page from the discussion material and look up , sweating and exonly to have someone say , " I didn 't understand anything this guy said . " We were teaching a few people around the city and things were going pretty well . One day we were told about a family by the name of Cardoso who were related by marriage to a church member named Valdir , and who lived a few miles out of town in an area everyone called Contorno . They had come to the church once with their relatives for a baby blessing or something and were interested in having the missionaries teach them . The first time we went out to the Cardoso house , Valdir came with us . We took a bus I had never been on before , and after 3 or 4 turns hit a very narrow road that wove its way up a small valley . After nearly 45 minutes , Valdir motioned for us to stand and then pulled the bus cord , buzzing the driver to stop . We dismounted the bus onto an orange dirt road , which was really little more than two side - by - side trails through the trees . We followed Valdir up the road which entered a thick green forest . After about 10 minutes of walking we came to a fork in the road . On the left , the road became a muddy , mucky version of the path we were on . On the right , the road narrowed even further and seemed to get choked out by vegetation altogether after a few hundred yards . Of course Valdir pointed us up the muddy path , and a few minutes later we came to his sister Maria 's white , brick house surrounded by chicken coops . After a nice first discussion sitting on overturned 5 - gallon buckets on the front porch , the Joao Cardoso asked us to stay for a dinner of pan - fried beef steak , black beans , collard greens cooked in bacon grease , and extremely sweet mango juice . They told us they would be happy to come to church on Sunday , and Elder Pereira scheduled a time to come back the following week . I have to say that the whole way down the trail and even the 40 minutes we waited for the bus , I was feeling very happy and excited about my mission and this adventure I was having in another country . I was feeling even a little cocky that my Portuguese was understood as well as it had been during the meeting with the Cardosos . When the bus finally arrived it was nearly dark . I sat near the window and as the bus started down the road , I looked to my left , back up the hill we had come down , and saw a light shining through the trees . I could tell it wasn 't the Cardoso home and asked Valdir if he knew who lived there . Valdir , who was already settling in to nap on the bus ride back to the station looked out to where I was pointing , turned back to mI remembered the following week when Elder Pereira and I headed up to the Cardoso home , so I pointed down the unkempt trail leading to the right at the fork in the road and said in my thick American accent , " What did Valdir say about that place ? " Pereira didn 't slow his pace at all and just said , " E ' um lugar mal , " which means , " It is a bad place . " I stopped and after about 5 or 6 steps Elder Pereira stopped and turned around . I told him he had to explain more to me . He said , " It is a place of Macumba , an evil place . " In the month or two before my mission I had read everything I could find about Rio and Brazil in general and I remembered something about Macumba being a religion that was a mixture of African voodoo and Catholism . I remembered back to something that happened my 3rd week in Brasil with Elder Pereira . We had been walking up one of the cobblestone sidewalks , heading to a lunch appointment when we came across what looked to be a full dinner that had been laid in the middle of the sidewalk . Pereira sidestepped quickly off the curb into the street to avoid the oddly placed meal as if were a sleeping homeless person , but I just walked up to it and stared at it , trying to figure out what it was . A red cloth had been laid down like a placemat and on it sat a large plate of food . There was a chicken breast , beans , rice and some kind of leafy green . There was a cup of what looked like red wine and a cigar sitting to the side of the plate . Elder Pereira came back to me and at first looked like he was going to try to explain the plate of food to me , but then seemed to change his mind , suspecting that I wouldn 't understand anything with 3 weeks of Portuguese , and just said to me , " Nao toca , e ' Macumba " or " Don 't touch , it 's Macumba . " I thought about asking the Cardosos about it , maybe working it into part of the conversation , but the second discussion is when we usually invite people to prepare to be baptized and I was a little nervous when it fell on me to ask them , it so I forgot to bring it up . After the discussion and another one of Maria Cardoso 's enormous lunches I was flying high . Not only had the Cardosos gone to church the past Sunday , but the man of the house , Joao Cardoso , actually interrupted me before I was able to ask them to be baptized , and asked ME what they needed to do to join our church . As we tromped down the trail after the discussion in the early afternoon heat , I felt so good I started to sing , " Unchained Melody " loudly , remembering Pereira had told me it was his favorite American song . I was just getting to " . . . and time , goes by , so slowly . . . " when suddenly I started to feel what I can only describe as complete dread . The strange thing was that it came on all at once . I went from feeling euphorically happy to feeling incredibly bad in just a few seconds . First I felt chilled , like we had walked into a cold pocket , then I had the sensation that someone was watching us . The way I stopped singing probably sounded like I was a radio with a volume dial being turned down . About 20 feet ahead , the fork in the road was visible . I was suddenly sure about two things right then : A woman was standing in the trees on the very fringe of my peripheral vision , and that if I turned my head to look at her something horrible would happen to us . This was a feeling , but it was so clear to me that it was almost like someone had spoken it in my mind . I couldn 't really make out details other than I could tell it was a woman . She seemed to be either a black woman , or a woman standing in shadows . The feeling of being watched was real , although I don 't know why I felt so terrified of her . Mind you , I was 19 years old and after 4 years of high school rugby was in pretty good shape , and not many people intimidated me . I remember thinking that wSteven sat up and looked at the boys ' TV trays , stood up , grabbed both bowls and left the room . He returned with two more heaping servings of the chili with another piece of thickly buttered bread perched atop each bowl . Setting the bowls down in front of the boys , he crossed the room , sat down again , and took a small pull from his beer . " Wait a minute , " said Morse . " Do you do you think that was a ghost , or a bad spirit or something ? " " No , it was just a woman . " Steven said . Leap asked , " Did you see the woman again ? " " I did , as a matter of fact . " Steven said . We talked it over the next few days . Elder Pereira told me that he felt something similar to the dark feeling I felt , but that he had seen no woman standing in the trees . He said that he felt bad inside as we walked near the fork in the road , so when I started running , he decided to run too . I specifically remember him saying that that he had felt " scared the way a child feels scared . " We talked about going back to the Cardosos . They were at a point right now that we needed to visit them regularly . They needed to hear four more discussions before they could be baptized . Pereira suggested that we ask them to come to the church in town to hear the discussions , but we knew they couldn 't afford the bus fare to do that once a week , and go to church on Sunday too . We discussed teaching them after church on Sunday , but after 3 hours of meetings their kids would be hungry and restless . I suggested that we call the Mission President and see what he thought , but Pereira thought we should call our Zone Leaders , Elder Taylor and Elder Block . We visited a few members we hadn 't seen in church until about 9 : 30 that night and when we figured Taylor and Block would be home for the night , we bought some pay phone tokens and called them . Elder Pereira proceeded to tell one of the ZL 's the story , although his account was so short I felt there was no way to do justice to how strange the experience had been . After listening for a while , saying , " Ta bom . " and hanging up , Pereira told me that they were coming to meet us at our apartment first thing the next morning . We had just sat down to eat our breakfast when they arrived . Taylor was an enormous Idaho farm kid with a flattop , a nose sunburn , and hands like oven mitts . Block , the senior companion was from Salt Lake me . All I really knew of Block was that he liked telling people that he was related on his mother 's side to Ezra Taft Benson , who was the President of the Church at the time . Taylor was big , but seemed to be shy and most comfortable looking and listening . When he spoke , his " lingua Portuguesa " didn 't sound like he was three months from reaching the end of his two year mission , in fact it sounded a little worse than mine . The two walked into our tiny , two room rental and while Taylor investigated the papaya and french bread set out for our breakfast , Block came over to me and started questioning me rapid - fire in English . Pereira , who couldn 't speak more than 5 or 6 English words looked uncomfortable . Block said , " OK , Elder Crenshaw , what 's the deal . Your comp said you guys thought someone wanted to hurt you when you were leaving an investigator 's house ? " I told him my story the best I could , but I started to get irritated as Block seemed to lose interest quickly . " So you saw a woman and felt a bad spirit ? " Block asked . " Well here 's the deal , we have a busy day scheduled so we need to do a split . I think Elder Taylor and your companion should go back to our area and visit the families we have scheduled there , and you and I can go talk to this woman . I 've had some experience with this kind of thing . " I could tell Elder Pereira wasn 't happy with this resolution and seemed to almost be irritated with me , like I had somehow orchestrated him out of the picture . He said nothing to me as Elder Taylor polished off our french bread , and we left for the bus station . All I got out of him was a muffled , " Tchau " when he and Taylor split up with us at the bus station entrance . I would probably have said more if I knew that was to be the last time I ever spoke to my softspoken companion . On 45 minute bus ride over , I was forced to hear Elder Block gloat about how he had become a senior companion in only 2 months because he was able to speak the language so proficiently . He also talked about the full ride scholarship he had to BYU , and of course , his favorite topic of how his mother 's 2nd cousin was Ezra Taft Benson 's niece or something . When I couldn 't stand it anymore I asked , " So you get together with him much ? " He pulled out a photo of a group of people and pointed to a man in the middle who looked kind of like President Benson , then to a woman holding a baby and said , " And that is me , right next to him . " He must have figured I wasn 't impressed , which I wasn 't , and we didn 't talk the rest of the bouncy bus ride . We got off the bus around 11am and walked to the fork in the road . As we approached it , it struck me once again how the trail on the right seemed to get more and more narrow , choked by vegetation to the point of disappearing . I suggested to Block that we go up to the Cardoso house first and ask them what they knew about their neighbors , but he wouldn 't hear it . He actually reminded me that he was senior companion , not to mention Zone Leader , and he would be making the decisions . I knew he was upset that I hadn 't been impressed by his family tree and I kind of kicked myself then and there for not being a little more political . He started up the path and I followed . After 2 or 3 minutes it did seem like the path had ended into a wall of green , but we pushed through a little further and found the trail again . When i realized noting was going to intercede or redirect us , I began to feel a heavy , sick feeling in my stomach . We continued on for about 15 minutes through the thick forest . The taller trees blocked the sunlight , and the shorter trees soaked us with their damp leaves . When we emerged into a muddy clearing I was hot , sweaty and itchy . The clearing was the sort of rural sprawl I had grown accustom to outside the city . It lead up to a pink house , the one I had seen from the road , that on closer inspection looked like it was built using a haphazard assortment of plywood and brick and painted over with some kind of pink paint that had run down the walls and into the dirt . To the left there was a squat barn with a pig pen in the front . Broken children 's toys and refuse littered every square inch of the muddy clearing . Black chickens roamed and pecked through the yard freely . There was a gnarled black root of a woman in a wooden rocking chair on the porch in front of the pink house . I tried to give my best doubtful look to Elder Block with the hopes we could get out of there , but he avoided my glance and started to pick his way towards the house . The woman made no indication that she had seen us , even when we mounted the first of the porch steps . Elder Block secured his bag between his knees leaving his hands free to clap a greeting , which is customary instead of knocking on the door in Brazil . The old woman did not look up , but after a few minutes a tall , skinny boy I put at maybe 14 or 15 in a pair of ratty shorts came out of the front door . He didn 't seemed very surprised to see us and asked us what we wanted . Block asked if the " Man of the house " was in . The kid rolled his white eyes and laughed and said , " Man of the house , that 's ME . " Block then asked the kid if his mother was home . Without taking his eyes off of us the kid tilted his head back a bit and shouted for his mom . At first we heard no sound coming from the inside of the house , then a soft scraping as a woman emerged from the shadows inside the house . The woman , who looked to be in her 40 's , was wearing a flowing , white skirt , a dark colored halter - top and sandals . Her straight , black hair framed her dark face and accentuated her large , white eyes . At once I felt an anxiety begin to creep into me . I knew that this was the same woman who had been watching me . I felt the same animosity seem to surround her like a cloud , and when she looked at me I could not meet her gaze for more than a few seconds . Elder Block must not have sensed anything , because he introduced us without hesitation and asked the woman her name . The woman pursed her lips and said that she was Dona Judith and she " knew very well who WE were . " Block seemed unphased by the statement . He told Dona Judith nonchalantly that we were teaching a family up the road , the Cardosos , and asked if she knew them . She said , " Claro " or of course . She laughed a light titter which made me break out in goose bumps and staring out from the hair that hung around her face , she held open the door and motioned for us to come into her home saying , " Entra . " Block walked right in , but I stood there for a moment . I looked from the young man sitting on the porch , who gave me a smirk , to the old woman in the rocking chair who stared out into the jungle , then back to the large white eyes of Judith . She said nothing , neither changed her expression , but I still felt like Hansel on the candy - house porch . I felt trapped , but I couldn 't see myself bolting down the porch steps , as much as I wanted to . For one thing , mission rules dictate that you stay with your companion always , for another , I was a little afraid of what Block would do if I up and ditched him . The room we were led into did nothing to soothe my anxiety . The furniture consisted of 3 wooden chairs and 2 benches made from planks stretched across stacks of orange brick . The floor was uneven cement . A TV that looked older than I was cast a green - tinted glare on the room . The green - tinted actress in the soap opera on the TV was crying and being soothed by a green - tinted shirtless man with a mustache . Shelves which lined all 4 walls of the room held statues and small paintings of saints . I was familiar with seeing Catholic saints in people 's homes . While paintings were the most common , I had entered a few homes with small shrine - like tables dedicated to statues of the Virgin Mary . Because the room was dim I assumed at first that this was more of the same , but there were so many of them compared to what I had seen , and all of them had a small white candle placed before them . Some of the candles had been burned and the wax had run and made small grey icicles before dripping down to the floor . Block had already taken a seat in one of the wooden chairs and I sat next to him . Dona Judith called for the boy , who 's name was Tiago , and directed him to bring the old woman in and join us . We waited as Tiago slowly led the stooped woman inside the home and across from us into the remaining chair before joining Judith on the bench . I remember wanting to tell Elder Block that I wasn 't feeling good and that I wanted to leave , but every time I started to do so , I felt Judith 's stare from across the room and I could not make myself speak because of it . Besides the dim lighting and the idols , some carven and crude and some elaborately painted and dressing cloth , the room had a smell to it that while not overpowering , was strong enough to give me the beginnings of a headache . I smelled farm smells , low and pungent below everything , but above it , food , the onion and bean smell I had become accustom to . Mingled with this was the scent of unwashed bodies which became stronger when Tiago brought in the old woman . An odor of illness wafted behind the old woman as she shuffled by , and looking down I saw that one of her feet was wrapped in old gauze , and a yellow patch of seepage could be seen near the ankle . The smell that bothered me the most in the house was an earthy , burnt smell , like dust cooking on a space - heater . I kept trying to get Block 's attention as Tiago and the old woman were taking a seat , but I was dismayed to see that his normally aggressive , engaged demeanor was gone . It was as if entering the house had stunned or shocked him in someway . He just kept staring at Judith with a blank look on his face . Normally I was the reserved one of any companionship , mostly because I the language was still pretty tough for me . Still , I tried to step up and take an active roll at this point if for no other reason than to get us out of there as quickly as possible . I asked Tiago if he played soccer . Tiago looked at Dona Judith and said nothing . I asked the old woman her name . She looked back at me with black glittering eye deep set in her wrinkled face but said nothing . Finally , in almost exasperation , I asked Dona Judith if we could give them a message about Jesus Christ and a Plan Our Heavenly Father has for her and her family . It was at this point that Dona Judith stood up very quickly and walked to the shelf nearest to her . She reached into the folds of her skirt and produced a box of wooden matches . Without a word she began lighting candle after candle , making her way around the room . I remember turning to Elder Block and saying , " We have to leave right now . " He continued to watch Dona Judith make her way around the room and made no sign of hearing me . I grabbed his arm nearest to me with both hands and said , " Elder . Elder ! " but he continued to ignore me expressionless . I stood up in a panic and looked at the doorway that would lead me back to the porch . I took 2 steps towards the exit when I heard a voice say in English , " Steven , you cannot leave . " I looked back and Judith was standing in the middle of the room and smiling an enormous smile , her teeth and white eyes glinting in the candlelight . Elder Block stood up and walked as if sleepwalking to Judith 's side , where he knelt down and placed his forehead on the cement floor at her feet . To my left the old woman began to speak low and so rapidly that I could not understandI still held my leather valise which contained my scriptures , 3 Book of Mormons , several pamphlets and a bus schedule . I threw the bag at Tiago , but threw it too hard and high and it hit the shelf behind him . Three candles went out as the bag struck them and the little statues behind them causing the whole mess to crash to the floor . I looked once more toward Elder Block who was still prostrate at Judith 's feet . I no longer felt worried about what he would do to me if I left him . From the little I could see on his face in the greenish glow of the TV , Elder Block had already left , however temporarily , I didn 't know . I crashed out the door and fell down the porch steps into the mud and muck . I scrambled to my feet in time to hear Dona Judith screech and to catch a glimpse of Tiago 's long brown legs and arms as he flashed out of the house after me . I sprinted through the wreck of a yard , scattering chickens as I ran and hurtled into the forest looking desperately for the trail . I heard Tiago , all grunts and footfalls only a few yards behind me and abandoned all thought of finding the trail . I ran desperately , jumping over rotted logs , zig - zagging around trees , but not so desperately that I ran wild . I had the idea that I was heading the right way generally so I focused all my effort on not slamming into a tree . Tiago , who was lank and lean with a runner 's body , and who undoubtedly knew this forest much better than I did , kept up with me and even began to gain . I started to imagine the feel of his knife piercing my side , and the painful stitch I was developing from running only reinforced this thought . I finally was able to calm my mind enough to realize that I needed to face Tiago before just that sort of thing happened . When I looked over my shoulder expecting to see him bearing down on me , there was no one there . I stopped and looked all around me in panic . I looked back the way I came and saw nothing . I bent over and put my hands on my knees and tried to slow my ragged breathing so I could listen for sounds of movement I heard nothing . Once again I looked back the way I came . Judith stood about 20 yards away like a statue , glaring at me , her face a mask of hate . I felt paralyzed by the dread of her presence . It wasn 't until I looked lower and saw her stained , white skirt and dripping hands that my paralysis broke . I ran from her . This time my running was in no way calculated or careful . I slammed my hip into a large boulder . I caught my foot in a gnarled root and just kept my balance enough to sprawl through a thorny bush . I ran until I finally emerged scratched and bleeding near the road and kept running down the middle of " That is pretty much the story , " Stephen said after a long pause . The two missionaries were glassy - eyed , hypnotized by the heavy lunch and Stephen 's tale . At some point Morse had picked up a yellow throw pillow off the couch and had set it in his lap . He was likely oblivious to the fact that he was now hugging it with both arms and resting his chin on it . Leap was sitting forward with a pained look on his face , as if he had just pulled a muscle in his back . " I ran down the road until an old truck came up behind me , " Stephen continued . " I tried to explain what happened to the driver but my Portuguese had pretty much left the building at that point . The man must have understood something because he dropped me off at the bus station in town , looking very relieved to part ways with this dirty , wild - eyed gringo . I called the mission president 's house from the bus station then sat under the bank of phones with my head against the wall for a long , long time . " " What happened to Elder Block ? " asked Elder Leap . " I have no idea , " Stephen replied . The mission president and 2 missionaries who worked in the office came to pick me up several hours later . I was so exhausted , both mentally and physically , that I honestly had lost all connection to the Portuguese language . It was as if the language being spoken around me was coming in from very far away and although it sounded familiar , I couldn 't make out much of it , and when I tried to speak it , the words simply would not come to me . As the three of them were Brazilian and spoke very little English , the President finally gave up and resolved to put me on a bus with one of the office Elders and gave us instructions to go to his apartment . I assumed the President was going to find Elder Pereira , my companion , and try to make sense of this . The bus ride took 3 hours , and during that time I began to feel sick . For the next 3 days I stayed in a bedroom at the Mission President 's apartment . I could hold no food down and developed a fever . I remember lying in a small fold - out cot , sweating and waking over and over from bad dreams . I remember the President waking me up at one point . He seemed mad at me and demanded I tell him what happened . When I didn 't even attempt the story he got angry and yelled at me in Portuguese and left . Later an American Elder from Salt Lake who had come to the mission on the same day as I did was sent in to speak to me . He asked several times what happened , and I almost told him , but I knew that if I told , there was a chance that I would have to go back to that house , so I said nothing except , " I want to go home right now Elder . Tell the President that I want to go home right now . " The President drove me to the airport in his car himself two days later . My fever was gone by that point and I had started eating again . We had nothing to say to each other on the ride there . I felt guilty for not saying anything , but I knew that what was done was done . I have to give him credit for putting his arm around me and telling me , " Boa Sorte " which means " Good Luck " as I headed up the to the gate . The plane flew direct for 8 hours to Ft . Worth , Texas where I had a two hour layover . The trip was uneventful except that at some point I fell asleep and dreamed of a pink house in the middle of the forest and I woke up screaming . As I sat in the Dallas Fort Worth Airport reflecting on the events of the prior week , something came over me . I sat in the hard , plastic chairs outside my boarding gate and felt compelled to repeat the the final words Dona Judith said to me over and over in my mind . " Because you are innocent , because you are weak . " I repeated this filthy mantra something clicked in my head . I knew right then I couldn 't go home . Not because I would be returning home in shame . It had nothing to do with pride . I couldn 't return home , because if I did , I would go back to feeling safe and continue being both innocent and weak . I decided I would never again put myself in a position that evil could take notice of me . I took my suitcase into a handicapped bathroom stall and changed into a pair of street clothes . Then I walked out of the airport , leaving my life , my family , my mission and the church behind . " You mean you 've never seen your family since ? " asked Morse . " No , " said Stephen . Elder Leap leaned forward in his chair and looked solemnly into Stephen 's eyes . He hid none of his disdain when he said , " So you are saying you left everything important in your life behind because you were scared ? " Stephen stood up and pointed at Leap . " What happened to judge not lest ye be not judged ? " he shouted . " You weren 't there . You didn 't see her eyes . So yes , I left everything . And just to be sure that I 'm not falling into the ' innocent ' category , I do things . I smoke and drink , not because I like it , although I guess it has become a habit now , but because it is a vice . I subscribe a pornographic web site that sends 2 videos and 5 photos to my email every day . I even steal a candy bar from the Top Stop now and then . " The boys rose to their feet and Morse shuffled backward towards the door . Leap started to follow his companion , then turned and said , " Ok , fine , let 's say we believe everything you told us . But why did you decide to tell this story to us now ? Why ? " Stephen walked past the boys and opened the door , letting in the hot , desert breeze . He stared into Elder Morse 's round face and large eyes and said , " I had to . You see last night Dona Judith appeared to me in a dream . She told me that you would be coming . She told me to feed you and tell you my story . She told me that if I did this one thing , she would forgive my trespass . She told me to tell the story and then tell " the fat one " that she sees him , that she or someone like her will come for him . Because he is innocent , because he is weak . " Elder Leap grabbed his companion 's hand and pulled him out of Stephen 's front door , down the sidewalk , and into the street . Stephen watched them go . He continued watching them walk down the street until they turned left on Grove Avenue and he could see them no more . When they were out of sight , Stephen shut his front door , put his hands over his face , and wept for a long time . AnonymousNovember 14 , 2009great story . so tell me about this story and the evil people and all of that . I know that Doug had his evil people on his mission . Are these from you mission ? CarolynReplyDeleteMomNovember 14 , 2009Son , I liked this story very much ! Of course I was not surprised at the ending because I 'm your mom and remember your writings growing up ! Your English teacher commented that your writing was very good and captivating , but always a little on the dark side . Keep it coming ! ! ReplyDeletejaniceNovember 15 , 2009I love your writing style . I also like that you don 't feel the need to make your stories have a " happy ending " . Please keep writing and posting ! ReplyDeleteGayleneNovember 15 , 2009I 'm glad I 'm not elder Morse . . . very captivating , and I want more , more stories from you ! ReplyDeleteErikaNovember 16 , 2009Jake , I really liked it . Completely absorbing , with a touch of the scarey in the style of ( Say thankee Sai ) the Master . I picture the title being something like " Under the Spell " or maybe some variation , that incorporates the - - albeit necessary - - indoctrination missionaries go thru ( I didn 't say " brainwashing , " but cry your pardon if you think I 'm alluding to it ) and the trance that overtook Taylor . I was left wanting to know much , much more about Steve , which says to me that this story has room for development . Even though Jana told me you were happy to be done with it , and that you thought it sounded " juvinile " I was just turned on . I think Steve should be fleshed out more , whether in this story or another , do it please ya . Long days and pleasant nights , - eReplyDeleteSheri Dickson WoodsonNovember 18 , 2009Geez , Jake , do you have to go all hearts and flowers on us ? That was a good read - maybe not such a good bedtime story though ( made for some interesting dreaming , lol ) ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Need More Info on the new Ramsey Tesano Novella Vestige ? Get it here . Listen in , don 't worry it 's short ! Use the link below 🙂 After the awful fight in Parrish 's office , they didn 't speak for two weeks . Dee had been hoping that after things cooled down , Parrish would talk to her , but he didn 't . He left every morning before she woke up and didn 't come home until she was fast asleep . A mixture of pride and something else wouldn 't let Parrish open up . The truth was that he just didn 't trust himself to be rational and objective about that whole thing . All that ; plus the fact that he was still angry enough to hit something , made things that much worse . One evening , Parrish broke his routine and came home surprisingly early . The place was quiet and Dee was nowhere to be found . His heart started to race as he searched the house top to bottom . He finally found her curled up on the den sofa , asleep . His features softened for a moment . Then his eyes narrowed and his expression was once again cold and guarded . Slapping his hand against the switch on the wall , he flipped on the overhead lights and walked over to turn on the television . Dee had no idea how she should go about handling his attitude . She certainly didn 't want to make things worse . She watched him a moment longer , then left the den to get dressed . In the shower , she racked her brain trying to make some sense of everything . First , he gets upset because she won 't talk to him and when she does , he gives her the silent treatment . And they say women are hard to figure out ! Maybe he really didn 't care what she did , she thought , remembering what he said in the office two weeks ago . Dee could feel tears stinging her eyes as the thought made her shiver . She didn 't think words could hurt so much , but they did when they came from someone you loved more than anything . Dee had just pulled on lacy red panties to a matching red strapless bra , when Parrish came from the bathroom . Dee was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn 't notice that Parrish couldn 't keep his eyes off her . When she pulled stockings over her long legs , Parrish actually stopped what he was doing and just stared . " When you 're through , I 'll be downstairs . " Outside , Parrish leaned against the bedroom door for a moment . Faintly , he could hear Dee crying on the other side . He pounded a fist on his thigh and cursed himself for being the cause of it . Mark Johnson , one of the partners , had a lavish home in one of the loveliest neighborhoods in Chicago . The stark beauty of his home however was a far cry from the down to earth man that lived there . Most of the guests had already arrived when Parrish ushered Dee inside an hour after they left the condo . " Parrish ! We didn 't know if you were going to make it , man ! " Mark exclaimed when he shook Parrish 's hand and slapped him on the back . Parrish smiled at the older man , " Yes sir , traffic was a mess for it to be so late . " He told his boss . Mark Johnson , like his partners , was an easy man to like . Unlike many employers , the three , older black men were admired and respected by everyone who worked for them . " Well , I 'm glad you made it . Now all we need is for Jonas to show up and he 's never on time ! " Mark said , laughing . When the laughter between the two men had subsided , Mark looked over at Dee . " Parrish , who is this beauty ? " He asked , his eyes lingering on Dee 's lovely features . Parrish turned towards Dee and pulled her next to him . " Mark Johnson , this is Demeshia Lincoln . Dee , Mr . Johnson is one of the partners at the firm . " " The pleasure is definitely mine and call me Mark . " He said , pulling Dee 's arm through his . " Your coverage of the Reeves case was the best I 'd read . " Dee 's eyes sparkled as she enjoyed the compliment . " I believe you 're exaggerating , but I accept your compliment anyway . " She teased the handsome older man . Mark slipped one arm around Dee 's waist and pulled her closer . Dee took no offense to the action , however , she liked Mark from the moment she met him . " Beauty would you like to dance with an old man ? " Mark rolled his eyes toward the ceiling and sighed . " Girl , you 're too good for my ego . " He said , guiding her to the dance area . Mark laughed loudly and pulled Dee closer to him . Parrish looked out at the dance floor for the twentieth time since Dee started dancing with Mark . He couldn 't fight the small twinge of jealousy as he watched the man twirl her around the room . Parrish took a seat at the bar and just watched Dee . He 'd never get over how beautiful she was . He enjoyed the way she mingled with his colleagues . Mark must 've enjoyed it too , because he hadn 't let go of her since they arrived . Finally , dinner was being served and , of course , Mark wanted Dee seated next to him . Everyone , including the partners , seemed to be smitten by the brilliant , pretty reporter from New York . Several times during dinner , Dee could feel Parrish staring at her amidst the table full of people . When she looked at him , the expression on his face was so intense that she mistook his need for anger . He unnerved her so , that she did her best to ignore him . Parrish hadn 't looked away from Dee since they sat down to dinner . Although the meal of roasted duck , broiled vegetables and dressing was fantastic , his attention was totally focused on Dee . He gave an aggravated sigh and briefly looked away , when Mark raised Dee 's hand to his mouth and kissed it . He should never have brought Dee to this thing . Mark Johnson was a good man , but Parrish knew he had an eye for beautiful women . Especially beautiful , young women . Still , Dee didn 't look like she was upset any by all the attention she was getting . Well man , you haven 't been there for her so what did you expect ? A nagging voice asked him and Parrish knew the voice was right . Mark pushed his chair away and stood . " If everybody 's through we 'll meet in the living room . " He told the rest of the party . Looking down at Dee , he held out his hand . " Would you like to take a walk with me ? " Dee gave Mark a nervous smile and looked over at Parrish . He was in deep conversation with a group in one corner of the dining room . " I 'd like that . " She told him . " Just kidding . I 'm teasing you ! " He laughed , holding up his hands . " But , Dee if you keep talking that way , I 'll have to give that younger man a run for his money . " He said the tone of his voice serious . " Well I 'll admit that I 've had plenty of opportunities to choose Ms . Right . I love women , especially younger ones . " He added , winking at her . After a few hours , the dinner party began to wind down . Dee had a moment to herself and took time to enjoy the view from Mark 's terrace . A brisk wind blew over her and she shivered slightly . Suddenly , Dee felt strong hands moving over her bare arms . The touch sent shivers down her back and she knew it had to be Parrish standing behind her . Dee closed her eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of being close to him again . Reluctantly , she pulled herself away and turned to face him . " I 'm ready whenever you are . " She replied , her smoky gaze sliding over his mouth and the deep cleft in his chin . After a long , silent ride back across town , Dee and Parrish were finally back at home . Parrish took her coat and threw it , along with his , across the coffee table . As they slowly headed up the staircase , Dee could feel him behind her and she prayed that he would touch her . Meanwhile , Parrish was desperately trying to keep his eyes off the way the gown molded to her body . They stepped into the bedroom and undressed in the dark . Neither of them spoke . Parrish lay on his side of the bed , tense and uncomfortable . He wanted to make love to her so badly , he could 've burst . Knowing she was lying next to him in just that skimpy pair of panties was enough to drive him crazy . Dee hugged her side of the bed , contemplating whether or not to reach out to Parrish . She thought on it so long that she finally fell asleep . Parrish heard her soft steady breathing and figured she 'd dozed off . He turned over to watch her resting and couldn 't resist caressing her . He started lightly at first , lightly running his fingers across her collarbone and down to where the sheet covered her breasts . Indulging himself , he lowered his lips to her neck and began to press soft kisses to her body . His lips moved closer to the edge of the sheet and then he was tugging it down with his teeth . Dee woke ; gasping when she saw him nestled between her thighs , feasting on her breasts . The merciless tugging and kissing on her nipples almost drove her mad . When she started moving against Parrish ; he slid his lips past her breasts , over her flat stomach and kissed her naval . Then , he moved lower … Dee softly cried Parrish 's name as his tongue moved inside her . Parrish moaned as he deepened the intimate caress . His hands grasped her bottom and pulled her more closely to him while he caressed her warm moisture with his lips . Parrish let her hips go and Dee arched right off the bed . He pulled away from her and sank the throbbing proof of his maleness deep inside her . Dee screamed when she felt him filling her . Parrish watched her pull her full lower lip between her teeth as she enjoyed the erotic pleasure he gave her . The force of his thrusts was almost frightening , but after being apart do many nights , Dee welcomed it . Parrish buried his face in her shoulder and reveled in the wet heat surrounding him . Dee 's fingernails seared his back before moving lower to pull his tight buttocks closer to her . Their movements increased as they reached the peak of satisfaction simultaneously . Dee reached over for Parrish the next morning and her eyes snapped open when she realized he was gone . The anger building inside her was forgotten when she moved to get out of bed . A certain soreness in her lower regions , gave her vivid reminders of last night . She slammed her fist against the cushiony mattress . She was a fool to have thought last night had to do with anything more than typical male desire . Still , Dee couldn 't deny how much she wanted him last night . She 'd hoped it was the beginning of them patching up their differences . It was as if the ice wall Parrish had hid himself behind , was slowly beginning to melt . So why did he leave the way he did ? " I refuse to let another night go by without this settled . " She vowed in the empty room . She was just about to get out of bed and head to the bathroom , when the phone rang . Hoping it was Parrish , she snatched the receiver off the hook . Dee could hear Mark laughing on the other end . " Dee , let me make something clear to you . I only want to have dinner with you not Parrish . " " Dee , it 's dinner . That 's all . I enjoyed meeting you last night and I 'd like to know you better . So how about it ? " Dee decided to spend the day pampering herself . She 'd gone to the nail salon , shopping , to the movies and out to dinner . She didn 't return home until later that evening . Just as she stepped from her rented Camry , Parrish drove up . Dee sighed as she watched him get out of his car . Once again , his eyes had that hard cold look . A faint shadow of a beard , added a rugged sexiness to his face . Parrish slowly rose from the car to tower over her . His eyes shot daggers right through her , but she was way past caring . " What is it Parrish ? I 'm good enough to have sex with , but not for you to talk to ? ! " Parrish stared at her for a minute , then one hand wrapped around her upper arm and he jerked her along behind him . Dee moaned at the force of his hold and tried to pull herself free . His grip tightened and he turned to look down at her . " Stop pulling away from me or I 'll drag you in here . " He promised her softly and she ceased her struggles . They made their way inside the building and to the apartment where Parrish shoved her inside before he slammed the door shut behind them . " Sit ! " He ordered and she complied . Parrish 's chest heaved as he stared at her . " You want to know what this is about ? This is about you lying to me about wanting to stay in Chicago when you had no intentions of quitting your job or leaving New York ! " " Oh it wasn 't ? " Parrish challenged , speaking as though he were talking to a child . " So what are you going to do Misha ? The truth please . " Dee looked down at her lap , then back at him . Lord , he looked like he could 've killed her . Did he hate her that much ? " I 'd like to try my hand at this position with ' The Corner ' , so I guess I want to go back . " She answered . Half of her hoped he 'd say he 'd come with her and the other half hoped he tell her he needed her and wanted her to stay . Parrish felt his heart lurch painfully in his chest , when she finally admitted the truth . He 'd intentionally tried to pull herself away from her so it wouldn 't hurt so much if she left . Instead , he 'd managed to turn into a cold unfeeling man . " Why not Dee ? You came here to play around . Now you 're ready to go back to work and to hell with whatever we were trying to start right ? ! " Parrish massaged the tense , corded muscles in his neck . " You know what Dee ? I don 't give a damn , I honestly don 't . Take your ass back to New York . " He quietly ordered , his voice sounding tired . Dee sat there in shock as she watched him go into the den where he turned up the television . She felt tears fighting to get past her eyes , but she held them back . Getting up from the sofa , she stomped upstairs . The next night , Mark rang the doorbell promptly at seven o ' clock . Dee hurried down the stairs , checking the backs of her gold hoop earrings . Stopping in front of the full length mirror , she gave herself the once over . The short , red skirt and matching blazer over a ruffled , white blouse complimented her perfectly . Satisfied with her choice of attire , she opened the door . Mark 's rich laughter filled the room at Dee 's joke . Then he shook his head . " I can 't understand why he 'd work those unnecessary hours , when he 's got you hear waiting for him . They 'd have to drag me into work . " " Yeah it sure is . " Mark agreed , but his dark eyes never left her face . " Can you hear the band okay ? " He asked , referring to the jazz band on stage . " Mmm hmm . I can hear and see them just fine . " Dee assured him . They had a great view even though their table was nestled deep inside the restaurant . She tried not to make too much of the seductive environment , but Mark was making it very difficult . Dee 's head whipped around and she moved away from the suitcase . " Parry , I didn 't think you 'd be up this late . " She said , grimacing at the breathless tone of her voice . Parrish 's gorgeous brown eyes narrowed as he watched her walking into the livingroom . His gaze slid from her lovely face to her body . The outfit she wore , complimented all her curves perfectly , but he forced away the arousing emotions she evoked . " Yeah it is late . Where 've you been ? " He calmly asked . A wicked smirk tugged at Parrish 's sensuous lips and he stood . " You were out with him ? Out with him as in out on a date with him ? " In the wee hours of the morning , Parrish finally decided to go to bed . Dee was already asleep when he stepped into the room . He stripped away his clothes and slid beneath the covers . In her sleep , Dee turned towards him . She threw one arm across his well chest while one leg lay over his thighs . For Parrish , sleep was forgotten . There was no way he could doze off with her that close to him . He turned slightly towards her and toyed with the lacy , beige see - through nightie she wore . Dee moaned softly and pressed herself closer to him . Parrish 's long lashes closed in silent thanks and he pushed Dee onto her back . Lowering his mouth to her neck , he pressed moist kisses to it , before his lips slid lower . Dee moaned again , when she felt his lips caress the soft fullness of one breast before his teeth and buried his face in her chest . Meanwhile , Dee wrapped her long legs around his all the while begging him to take her . It wasn 't long before Parrish granted her request . He heard her gasp when he filled her completely . As Dee moved sensually against him , Parrish groaned and nuzzled his face into her shoulder . After their passion was spent , Parrish collapsed on top of her and held her tightly . They fell asleep right away , their bodies still connected . The next morning , Dee hugged Parrish tightly and smiled . After making love last night , he didn 't turn away . He held her close and was still there in the morning . She felt her most intimate regions tingle , when he awoke and began kissing her ear . Dee moaned when he began thrusting softly . They spent the entire morning making love . Dee turned to stare at Parrish . He was leaning back in his chair and there was a dark frown on his face . " Hang up . " He told her . Dee looked at him for a moment , before returning her attention back to the call . " Um , Mark listen , I need to go alright , but I 'll call you later . " She promised . Hanging up the phone , she walked over to Parrish . " Who the hell do you think you are to give me orders ? " Jeri smiled and patted Dee 's hand . The two of them had decided to have lunch together the next day . Over the several weeks Dee had been in Chicago , Jeri had become a treasured friend . " Nobody 's . " Jeri firmly answered . " Parrish is my boss and you are my friend , but I love you both . I just want you to consider how hard it would be for ya 'll to have a relationship so far apart . " " I didn 't mean it like that . " Dee explained , realizing she 'd offended Jeri . " It 's just nice to go out and have a good time with a man . " " Well , they have to see the top people running too , otherwise they 'll slack off . " He explained . A moment later , Mark took her arm in a light hold and pulled her with him in the conference room . Dee was still very uncertain about accepting the offer . " Why don 't I call you ? I need to check with Parry and see if he has any plans for us tonight . " Dee couldn 't remember the last time she 'd been out alone with her man . She hoped he would take her out tonight , but she knew he wouldn 't . " Mark , I really don 't think you should be going out at all . You look like you need to rest . " She advised , laughing when Mark made a face . At that point , Parrish was walking up the hall . He was just about to walk past that conference room door , when he heard someone laughing . Someone who sounded exactly like Dee . Frowning , he stopped outside the door and listened . Dee sniffed and pushed her hair away from her face . She watched Parrish turn and walk away from her . Slapping her hands down to her sides , Dee walked in the opposite direction and left the building . Warm applause filled the nightclub . The establishment was smoky and dark , but full of character . If possible , the band sounded even better than before . They selected material from vintage jazz creations and pieces developed by members of the band . Dee managed to have a fantastic time with Mark , even though she wished Parrish were there with her . She lounged back in her chair and thought about the argument they 'd had earlier . At least , it sounded like an argument . These days , she didn 't know what to think . Especially where Parrish was concerned . Although she 'd come to cherish Mark 's friendship , she had to admit that on some small level she 'd been trying to get a rise out of Parrish . She hoped he 'd realized how fast she was slipping away and rush to save their relationship . Mark ushered her out of the club and into his black Lexus . He made various attempts at conversation , but gave up when Dee continued to be distant . She waited patiently on the passenger side of Mark 's car . Instead of opening her door , Mark pressed her against the car . The slight buzz Dee was experiencing kept her from pushing him away when he got too close . Meanwhile , Dee was trying to convince Mark that she would be fine . Mark , on the other hand , could only concentrate on her sensual mouth . Finally , he dipped his head and kissed her like he 'd wanted for so long . Dee was so surprised , she could only gasp , allowing his tongue more room to explore . The kiss lasted longer than Mark had intended . Once his lips touched hers , he couldn 't seem to pull away . Parrish watched the entire scene with increased disgust . As he stood there by the car , he gripped the door handle so hard he could 've broken it . His gaze was murderous as he watched them drive away . Parrish opened the door and stepped inside the condo . He threw his heavy , black overcoat on the back of a chair and turned to face her . " What are you doing with him ? " Parrish snapped his fingers . " Oh yeah , yeah friends . Dammit ! How the hell can you see him like this right under my nose Dee ? Answer me ! " It was then that Dee realized Parrish was drunk . Dangerously drunk . Knowing that his temper was a force to be reckoned with , Dee didn 't want to be near him now that it was laced with alcohol . She slowly backed up the stairs and tried to calm him down . " You know it 's not like that . " Dee 's brown eyes widened and she ran a hand over her face . Instead of answering him , she turned and ran upstairs . Slamming the bedroom door , she took off her coat and threw it to the floor . A split second later , Parrish stormed into the room . " Are you sleepin ' with him Misha ? " Dee rolled her eyes toward the ceiling , then looked back at him . Parrish 's eyes slid from her face to her body . Suddenly , Dee wished she 'd kept on her coat since the jump suit more than complimented her voluptuous figure . All the while , Dee struggled . The attempt was futile , however , since Parrish showed no reaction to the blows against his shoulders and back . He finally let her slid down the door as his large hands went to work on the gold zipper in back of her suit . Dee pushed at the hard wall of his chest and Parrish stumbled . Recovering quickly , he took her by the waist and carried her to the bed . Tears streamed down her cheek as she struggled to loosen his hold . When Parrish threw her to the huge bed , she scrambled to get off it . Unfortunately , he caught hold of one of her slender ankles and dragged her back to him . Dee closed her eyes in defeat and laid there as Parrish pressed hot kisses to her body through her clothing . This went on for a few moments until Dee felt him collapse on top of her . She realized , with a sigh of relief that he 'd passed out . Bracing herself , she managed to get out from under him . Once that was done , she grabbed a T - shirt , hurried down stairs and locked herself in the den for the night . Dee didn 't come out of the den the next morning until she heard Parrish leave . Her knees almost buckled beneath her as she remembered last night 's events . Deep down , she was glad that Parrish had been so drunk . If he hadn 't been he most certainly would have … Lord how did things get so out of hand . How ? At that point , Dee didn 't even want to work things out with him . She just wanted to get away from him . Before she started thinking with her heart again , she picked up the phone and made plane reservations to New York . Dee smiled and tipped her glass to Aaron Little . The entire staff of ' The Queens Herald ' had gotten together to throw her a going away party . Friends and family had gathered as well to wish her luck on her newest endeavor . Although landing the job as head writer at ' The Corner ' had been one of her greatest achievements , thus far , it didn 't compensate for losing Parrish . He hadn 't called or tried to get in touch with her through Sheila , since she 'd left Chicago . Dee knew it was probably for the best that he didn 't call , but she still missed him terribly . Sheila grimaced . " Like I said , it 's probably nothing . I mean he 's been calling a lot to check on Mama , but Dee it 's like he 's a different person . " " Wait Sheila , now I tried talking to Parry , but all he ever did was push me away . Then he starts treatin ' me like dirt ? No way . You can forget me ever going back to him again . " Sheila pushed her chair away and stood up . " Now this time you listen to me . " She stared down at Dee . " You didn 't waste any time flying back here and taking that job . I have to wonder why you didn 't come clean to him about not wanting to leave New York from the jump . So don 't dare try to make my brother out to be the bad guy in all this . " Sheila walked away from the table , leaving Dee to stare after her . During the next several months , Dee threw herself into her work . It didn 't take her long to become an ace at her job or to make new acquaintances . Moreover , her writing had become stronger , perhaps with a bit more of an edge . The top brass at ' The Corner ' couldn 't have been more impressed . Dee 's ideas and opinions were very well respected and many of them had even increased ' The Corner 's ' sizzling popularity . Overall , however , Dee would 've said her life was very satisfying . As long as she didn 't think about Parrish Jeffries . Unfortunately , not thinking about Parrish was something she just couldn 't seem to do . Even though she was asked out on several dates and friends were always asking her to do things with them , Dee always refused . If she wasn 't working , she was content to stay at home . Alone . Luckily , her long hours paid off in the best way . One evening , she was invited to a dinner meeting with the editors . She figured they wanted to formally congratulate her on a job well done , but it was a lot more than that . Dee smiled . " It 's good to see you to Mr . Carver . I didn 't know you 'd be here . " She said , the surprise evident on her face . Amos smiled and patted Dee 's hand . Then , he glanced at one of the other gentlemen who had joined the meeting . " Lenny , why don 't you tell Dee why she 's here ? " Leonard Xavier leaned across the table as he spoke directly to her . " Dee , you know we don 't like to brag , but ' The Corner ' has been on the cutting edge and very popular in doing so since our first edition hit the stands three years ago . We have a lot of loyal subscribers and we 're gaining more every day . Since you 've come on board , you 've given us many new concepts and opinions that have made us stronger and more respected . " Jared Markum , ' The Corner 's ' advertising director , spoke up . " Dee , you know that the concept of ' The Corner is to keep a finger on the pulse of a city , namely this one . We give tips on the best restaurants , hotels , cultural events , news that affects the African - American and many other ethnic communities . It 's like talking to some friends on the corner and getting the scoop on what 's happening around town . " Impressed , Dee 's brows rose slightly and she smiled . " I think that 's one of the best ideas I 've heard . I believe that it 'll work . In fact , I know it will . But , why was I included in the meeting ? " She still wanted to know . Amos answered her . " Dee we want a fresh perspective on this . We need someone young , energetic and brilliant . You are all that and then some . We want you to head the opening of one of the magazines . " Dee nodded , still in shock . " That 's good , but I warn you , I don 't think I could make it in California . " She teased , slowly becoming her old self . When her publisher announced the second city , Dee could feel her heart plunge to her stomach . Did he say Chicago ? Dee asked herself , not trusting her own ears . She shook herself from her state of shock and looked around the table . Everyone was watching her expectantly . Dee sighed and lounged back on her bed . " It won 't be for a while . We still have a lot of ground to cover before the actual move is made . " " I don 't know that it matters anymore . " Dee admitted , her voice full of emotion . " I think I just picked Chicago so I could at least be where he is . " " Dee - oh wait a minute … yeah it 's me , my phone is beeping . Somebody must be on the other end . Hold on a sec . " Sheila said , before clicking over . While Dee waited , she thought about what Sheila had asked . What would happen if she called Parrish ? Would he be happy about her moving to Chicago ? Would he even care ? Although her first instinct had been to pick up the phone and tell him , she knew that her going back to Chicago wouldn 't solve their problem . Sure , they could forget what happened before she left , but they really needed to talk about what went wrong . Unfortunately , they were both too stupid and stubborn to admit their mistake . Dee smiled and hugged the woman , kissing her cheek . " Miss Sara , it has been a long time … Is she going to be alright ? " Dee asked , looking down the hall . Sara sighed and patted Dee 's hand . " It looks very bleak , that 's what the doctor 's say . Joyce has been sick for so long . " Sara smiled and led her down the hall . Dee recognized most of the people there and they were all happy to see her . When she finally walked into Joyce 's room , she was stunned to see how small the usually robust woman appeared . Dee waved to Sheila in the corner , and looked down at the woman in bed . Joyce shook her head slowly in the cushiony pillow . " Baby , God has let me live long enough to see my daughter own a good business and my son be a successful lawyer . My life has been good . " She said peacefully . Joyce pulled Dee closer and pinned her with a steady gaze . " I know you and Sweet Pea are having problems . " She said , referring to Parrish . " Hush now . Parrish 's Daddy , may he rest in peace , was just like Parrish is now . He was tough , stubborn and full of pride . Too much pride , if you ask me . " Dee laughed and Joyce continued . " My son fooled himself for a long time that he was over you , when he wasn 't . The Lord wouldn 't have brought you back into his life if you weren 't for him . Now baby , it 's gonna be tough , but you two need to work this out and you know I 'm right . " Dee kissed Joyce on the cheek . " I know you 're right , but get some rest . You 're only entitled to one sermon a day . " She teased . " Dee , I 'm really begging you now . Listen to Ma . Don 't let Parrish leave without at least trying to patch things up with him . " Dee pulled Sheila close for a hug . She was going to make an honest effort to talk to Parrish when the time was right . When , though , would that be ? " I 'm just calling to let you know I 'll be in late today . " Dee told Lisa Jones , her assistant . " I 've got a friend going through a family emergency . " On the way to the hospital , Dee thought about Parrish . He was surely back in New York by now . Her heart raced at the chance of seeing him again . If only she had told Parrish about not wanting to quit her job from the start , they wouldn 't have been going through all this now . It was ironic , that she 'd quit anyway to take a job that would eventually put her right back in Chicago . She sighed over the way things could turn out . Deep down , Dee knew she wouldn 't make the first move in approaching Parrish . It wasn 't stubbornness that would prevent her from doing so . If she put her feelings on the line , opened up to him and got hurt again , it would kill her . Dee 's mouth opened wider as a small frown formed on her face . " I 'm only here for your sister and Miss Joyce , so don 't worry . " She started to walk away . At that point , Dee realized there was no point in trying to explain anything to Parrish . He was still so angry , nothing she said would 've made much difference anyway . When he turned his back towards her , Dee took that as her cue to leave . Sheila grabbed Parrish 's arm and pulled him into the waiting room . " What the hell is wrong with you ? Dee didn 't come here to argue with you . I 'm sure that 's the last thing on her mind right now ! " Sheila raised one hand and shook her head . " You need to ask Dee that . But , let me tell you something . Ya 'll are going to be seeing a lot of each other while Mama 's sick , so I suggest you get a handle on this attitude of yours . " Parrish 's eyes narrowed as he stared at Sheila . " Don 't worry about it . I don 't plan on talkin ' to Dee any more while I 'm in town . " He added . Sheila let out a frustrated sigh before she spoke . " Look Paris , I know that male ego is bruised because Dee left you , " she spoke in an intentionally condescending tone , " but either you or Dee had better mature and talk about things before it 's really too late ! " With that , she stormed from the room . She pushed a few tendrils of hair from her eyes as she watched Parrish . It wasn 't her imagination the other day . He looked even better than before she left Chicago . If that was possible . All she wanted to do when she saw him at the hospital was throw herself against him . Dee looked up and she gave them a dazzling smile . " Hey James , what 's up Dion ? " She greeted as both men kissed her cheek . Her bright smile faded when her eyes landed on the third member of the party . " Parrish . " She spoke softly , watching him nod slowly . " Like you had no part in it ? " She argued . " You were the one who wouldn 't bend a little so we could work it out . " Dee gripped her fork and envisioned herself stabbing it into Parrish 's hand . " Do you remember how you treated me ? I couldn 't say or do anything to please you . " Dee threw her hands up and sat back in her chair . Parrish felt his own hands aching to reach out to her . Instead he dropped his head and walked away . " I know what you mean . When I talked to him that morning at the hospital , I said everything I could to try and make him snap out of it . I guess it didn 't work . " " Sheila there 's so much I need to explain , but I can 't as long as he 's acting this way . " Sheila curled her legs beneath her in the easy chair . " So I guess you won 't be pinning him down to tell him about the job in Chicago ? " Dee sighed and massaged her aching neck . " I know a lot of the blame for this lies in my corner . " She acknowledged . " But I have to know why Parrish pushed me away and built that wall around himself . That 's not like him . I 've never known him to back down from a conflict . In fact , he always seemed to thrive on them . When I go to Chicago , we can 't just forget what happened before I left . I wouldn 't want is to get back together without that settled . " Dee had only stopped by Sheila 's to check on her . After about an hour , she decided to leave not wanting to run into Parrish . When she got ready to get into her car , Dee noticed that one of her tires had gone dead flat . Parrish had been at the gym and decided to jog back to his sister 's house . He was just getting back , when he saw Dee standing by her car examining her tire . A soft smile touched his lips as he watched her kick the flat tire . God , he 'd missed her so much . Losing her the second time had hurt him far worse that the first time ever did . Damn ! Everything was such a mess . Dee had snagged her dream job and she 'd never leave New York . He realized that he wouldn 't want her to give that up for anything . Not even him . On top of that , the law firm of Davis , Fredericks and Johnson had finally decided to add the name Jeffries to their nameplate . Parrish sighed and walked over to the car . " I know . " Parrish replied as he leaned closer to her . Dee 's eyes lowered to his sexy mouth and she was sure he would kiss her . Parrish , however , only sought the keys that dangled from her weak hand . Dee blinked a few times and pressed a hand to her forehead as she watched him walk to the trunk . " Thank you . " She said quietly , her stared at deep cleft in his chin . She began to turn away , but Parrish propped his hand against the roof of the car . " I want to apologize for what I said at the hospital and at the restaurant . I 'm sorry . " He softly said , looking directly at her . Dee moaned weakly as Parrish 's tongue filled her mouth and he caressed every darkened recess . She could hear him moaning too as he pressed her closer and deepened the kiss . Dee thought she 'd faint when Parrish finally let her go . Breathing heavily , Parrish pressed his forehead against hers for a brief moment . Then , he walked away . The phone woke Dee from her coma like sleep . Slowly , she reached over to the bedside table and lifted the receiver from its hook . " Hello ? " She answered . " I 'll be okay . " Sheila said in a surprisingly strong voice . " But Dee , Paris is real shaken up . I think he probably needs you . " Sheila smiled and did as she was told . The wake was that night and it was being held at her house . Although she had plenty of help getting everything together , she had to stay busy . Parrish soon wrapped up his conversation and walked over to the table . He sat down beside his sister and put his arm around her shoulders . " You okay , baby girl ? " He was quiet for a moment , then began to speak . " You know it 's funny how things work out . Dee wound up quitting her job to take a position with more power , but I couldn 't get her to give it up for me . " " She never would tell me what her plans were for her job or us . So I had to gain my own understanding of the situation . I thought pulling myself away from her would keep it from hurting so much when she finally left . " Sheila screamed and her black eyes lit up . " Paris ! " She exclaimed , punching him in the arm . " Why didn 't you tell me before ? " Family , friends and neighbors all filled Sheila 's house that evening . Joyce Jeffries was a well - known and well - loved woman . Everyone missed her terribly . The affair was not a sad one though . There was singing , story telling and laughing . Sheila and Parrish didn 't mind , since they knew that 's how their mother would 've wanted it . Dee picked a speck of lint from her short , dark skirt and smiled . " In about three weeks I think . They want to hurry up and get a jump on this thing . " Sheila hugged her and they talked for a little while longer . Parrish walked into the kitchen a while later . He and Dee stared at each other for a moment . When Dee turned to leave , They looked away from each other and silence once again descended over the kitchen . Then , Parrish decided to say something . Before he could get the words out , a swarm of people invaded the kitchen and the moment was lost . Parrish walked out of the house and ran one hand over his head . It didn 't feel quite right being inside that house without his mother running around in it . First Dee walks out of his life , then he loses his mother . Thank God he still had Sheila . Dee just nodded her head and kept walking up the steps . When she reached the top step , something made her turn around . She saw Parrish stop on the last step with his head bowed . Concern was written all over her face as she walked back down the steps . " Shh . shh it 's okay , it 's okay … " Dee 's voice was soothing as she gently rocked him . " It 'll be okay , shh … " The beautiful woman nodded for a moment before she pinned Dee with a serious stare . " I know he needs you . You know , if my sister believed in one thing , it was not wasting time . Don 't let my stubborn nephew get away . " " Sheila ? Sheila ! You in here ? " Dee called . She 'd been trying to find her friend since they get back from the funeral . Sheila had been downstairs with everyone else , but she suddenly disappeared and Dee needed to talk to her desperately . She ran upstairs to check the den , walked inside and looked around but the room was empty . She sighed and ran her fingers though her hair . The door shut behind her and Dee whirled around . When she saw Parrish standing there , looking so gorgeous in the dark suit he wore , her heart flipped . " Me first . " Dee volunteered and Parrish nodded . She cleared her throat and took a seat in an arm chair . " Parry I realize that most of this never would 've happened if I had been straight with you from the jump . If I had been , then I would 've told you that I loved you very much , but that I wasn 't ready to leave New York and quit my job . " Dee looked over at him sitting across from her and nodded once . " When John Charles told me about ' The Corner ' , I was so excited - Well … you know . It was the chance to be in a position where I could do so much . I guess the power sort of shocked me too . I still said to myself though , ' if Parrish thinks ya 'll can work it out , then take the job . If he doesn 't , then forget it because you can 't lose him again . ' That 's why I came to your office , but you wouldn 't give me the chance to explain myself . " Dee shook her head . " But I hadn 't . Parry I didn 't make up my mind until you put that brick wall between us . You 'd always told me what was up . Then , all of a sudden , you stopped and I didn 't know why . I know I wasn 't totally straight with you , but I didn 't deserve to be treated like that . You really hurt me . " " But I didn 't know that . " He replied . " You were just so vague about your plans and that 's what made me angry . I don 't want to justify what I did . I know I was a jackass and I thought it was time I explained myself . About everything … especially Mark Johnson . " Parrish saw Dee tense , but he continued . " Baby , I 'm so sorry . The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you . I never should 've questioned you about Mark . I was way out of line asking if you 'd slept with him . " He admitted . " I love you . I love you Misha . " Parrish vowed and then laughed softly . " How could we be so foolish twice in a lifetime ? " He asked . When Parrish walked over to her , Dee stood and slid her arms around his waist . Her black heels gave her enough height to look directly into his beautiful eyes . " Don 't you agree ? " She asked , pressing her lips to his . " Misha before we take any vows , we 'll have to work out this distance thing . " He said . " I at least want to give the firm a year since I made partner , then I 'll quit . " Dee 's eyes grew stormy . " Oh no you won 't . Even if I weren 't moving to Chicago , I wouldn 't let you quit . " Parrish tried to control his excitement , but his dark brows did raise a couple of inches . " When did you find out all this ? " He slowly asked . Dee sighed and pressed herself closer to him . " Parry I wanted us to talk about what happened . I couldn 't just jet back to Chicago and push everything under the rug . " She explained . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
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