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michaelginn
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bert_data_tokenized

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she did n't know if she should try to go to him or not .
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she regretted her decision when he turned to face her in the elevator .
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his expression was agonizingly broken .
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as the doors closed , her heart ached for him .
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she knew any doctor hated to lose a patient , especially a young one , but this went far deeper than that .
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from his behavior , megan knew that mary 's death had exposed a raw nerve in pesh-one that after two years still had n't healed .
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somehow he had seen his wife in mary , and once again , he was n't able to save her .
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after she had escorted mary 's body back upstairs to wait on the funeral home , megan went in search of pesh .
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she could n't find him in any of the exam rooms , nor was he in the doctors ' lounge or break room .
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finally , she went to kristi for answers .
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`` did you see where dr. nadeen went ? ''
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kristi gave her a sad smile .
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`` you 'll probably find him on the roof . ''
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megan 's brows shot up in surprise .
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`` the roof ? ''
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kristi nodded .
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`` whenever he has a really bad day about his wife- '' she sucked in a breath when she realized she might have said too much .
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at the thought of pesh 's grief , megan 's chest tightened in agony .
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he was too good of a man to have to suffer like he did .
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`` so he goes up to the roof ? ''
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megan finished for kristi .
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`` he likes to be alone to clear his head .
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although none of us would say anything , he usually ends up pulling another shift to make up for the time he was gone . ''
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of course pesh would do something like that .
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he was honorable every moment of his life , even after those of immense grief .
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even though she knew he probably wanted and needed to be alone , megan wanted to check on him .
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she could n't bear the thoughts of him suffering so much .
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`` um , if it 's okay , i think i 'll go ahead and take my dinner break . ''
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kristi gave her a knowing look before nodding .
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`` sure , honey .
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go right ahead . ''
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megan smiled before brushing past kristi .
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she bypassed the break room where her purse was .
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instead , she kept going .
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after a brisk walk down the hall , she got to the authorized personnel only stairwell .
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she did n't dare use the elevator shaft where trauma patients were brought in from being airlifted .
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without hesitation , megan swiped her access card .
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when the lock clicked , she flung the door open and started up the flights of stairs .
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she was winded when she reached the top .
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cautiously , her hand hovered over the doorknob .
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she could n't help wondering what she might find on the other side .
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would pesh be an emotional mess ?
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would he be angry that she had interrupted his private grieving ?
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shaking the thoughts from her head , she flung open the door .
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as she stepped onto the roof , the air grew cooler .
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a breeze rippled her scrubs .
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her gaze spun around frantically until she found him .
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pesh stood at the edge of the roof .
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his usual ramrod straight posture was slumped , his broad shoulders drawn in .
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although she could n't see his face , his gaze seemed fixed straight ahead into the night sky .
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to add insult to injury , clouds blotted out the stars , cloaking everything in darkness .
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tentatively , she started over to him .
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`` hey , '' she said softly .
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he whirled around in surprise .
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her heart clenched at the sight of the tears sparkling in his eyes .
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even in the darkness , she could see a blood-red flush entering his cheeks .
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his hands quickly came up to swipe away the moisture from his eyes .
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`` hello , '' he finally replied in a hoarse whisper .
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they stood in an awkward silence , staring each other down .
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finally , megan took a step forward to close the gap between them .
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`` how did you know i was up here ? ''
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he asked .
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`` kristi told me . ''
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`` hmm . ''
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unable to stop herself , she reached out to touch his arm .
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`` i 'm so sorry , pesh . ''
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`` it is n't necessary . ''
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she shook her head .
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`` yes , it is .
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you 're in pain ... you 've been in pain .
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i ca n't help but feel sorry for what you 're going through . ''
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his usually warm eyes took on a cold look .
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`` you were in that elevator , too .
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you have every right to be emotional .
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maybe you should be more concerned with why you are n't weeping . ''
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`` do n't , '' she murmured .
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`` do n't what ? ''
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`` do n't try to mask your pain by being someone you 're not or by pointing fingers at others .
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that is n't you , and you ca n't fool me . ''
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with a ragged sigh , pesh jerked his hand through his dark , wavy hair .
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`` i 'm sorry .
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that was completely uncalled for . ''
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`` it 's okay . ''
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`` no , it's- '' she silenced him by bringing her hand up to cover his lips .
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when she pulled her hand away , he sighed .
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`` talk to me , '' megan pleaded .
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the clouds above them opened up , causing a slight drizzle to fall .
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`` the death of a patient is never easy .
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any doctor of worth , or nurse for that matter , must possess compassion .
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then it is inevitable that the same compassion you possess will come back to haunt you-it may even cripple you .
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when death comes , you ca n't help feeling for the life that has been lost and for the family members left behind . ''
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his voice choked off , and megan drew herself even closer to him .
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she knew that his last statement held personal meaning for him .
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`` what exactly happened to your wife ? ''
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she questioned softly .
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pesh 's eyes closed .
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`` jade had an undiagnosed clotting condition .
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she was adopted , so she did n't know anything really about her family history .
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she 'd always been in perfect health-she rarely even went to the doctor with the sniffles .
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and after we 'd been married for three years , we decided it was time to have a baby . ''
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