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No Author | 2016-11-01T03:28:50.389+02:00 | quiz just a few minor formalities before we can show you the big pumpkin | how haunted is your house posted today do you believe in ghosts take this quiz and find out if your house is haunted check off all the things you have noticed about your house sometimes i get woken up at night by the loud sobbing of a translucent widow and she wont go away until i spritz her with a water bottle every time i make the sign of the cross a hellish guttural voice says id really rather you didnt my vegetables always seem to go bad a little quicker than youd think they would the bonechilling whispers telling me to get out and get out now are just white noise at this point my decorative suits of armor sat down on the couch to watch tv and wont let me change the channel if ice road truckers is on no matter which way the wind blows my weathervane always points toward the former headquarters of enron my reflection is constantly doing jerkoff motions at me i have a grandfather clock that for all i know was built by a murderer the koi in my koi pond died and turned into ghost fish which is actually really convenient since i dont have to feed them anymore theres just a lot of dust my daughters head hasnt stopped rotating since we moved in but her grades are still good so were not too worried i had a priest come to exorcise my house and a year later hes still not even done with the foyer get results results for how haunted is your house your house is very haunted wow the resounding answer is that your house is haunted beyond compare with spirits infesting every corner of the whole place its time to collapse from fear because you are living in a haunted house share your results | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3432/7/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | quiz minor formalities show big pumpkin | haunted house posted today believe ghosts take quiz find house haunted check things noticed house sometimes get woken night loud sobbing translucent widow wont go away spritz water bottle every time make sign cross hellish guttural voice says id really rather didnt vegetables always seem go bad little quicker youd think would bonechilling whispers telling get get white noise point decorative suits armor sat couch watch tv wont let change channel ice road truckers matter way wind blows weathervane always points toward former headquarters enron reflection constantly jerkoff motions grandfather clock know built murderer koi koi pond died turned ghost fish actually really convenient since dont feed anymore theres lot dust daughters head hasnt stopped rotating since moved grades still good worried priest come exorcise house year later hes still even done foyer get results results haunted house house haunted wow resounding answer house haunted beyond compare spirits infesting every corner whole place time collapse fear living haunted house share results | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T02:54:00.000+02:00 | life great halloween costume ideas for duos | email all hallows eve comes just once a year this halloween heres how you can turn your own car into a traumatically frightening experience
create a cd thats six hours of silence punctuated by sudden bloodcurdling screams at random intervals and have it playing at all times on maximum volume will the next db shriek sound off in the next seconds or the next minutes who knows soon your car will be the talk of all the trickortreaters who see you incontinent with fear behind the wheel
tow a giant cage filled with several hundred bats behind your car so when you look in your rearview mirror it always appears as though a cloud of bats is chasing you this is a oneway ticket to fearexactly how october is meant to be spent in your car
paint a spooky night sky on the inside of your windshield a witch on a broom flying in front of a full moon ghosts soaring through clouds a constellation that spells boo these are just a few halloween windshield obstructions that will chill you to the bone
tie a rope to each windshield wiper and then tie the opposite ends of the ropes around the necks of two rabiesinfected possums sleeping in your backseat if it storms you can be sure that your car will be a regular draculas possuminfested castle on wheels
three words car window guillotines imagine it youre rolling up the windows to escape the cold autumn air and suddenly a windowsize blade shoots down nearly severing your arm this is a carbased halloween tradition youll want to bring back year after year
think about frankenstein unbuckling you only for extreme halloween fanaticsnot for the fainthearted
place three pregnant tarantulas in your glove compartment wait a week open the glove compartment and your car will soon be filled with tarantulas happy hauntings in your car | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3433/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life great halloween costume ideas duos | email hallows eve comes year halloween heres turn car traumatically frightening experience create cd thats six hours silence punctuated sudden bloodcurdling screams random intervals playing times maximum volume next db shriek sound next seconds next minutes knows soon car talk trickortreaters see incontinent fear behind wheel tow giant cage filled several hundred bats behind car look rearview mirror always appears though cloud bats chasing oneway ticket fearexactly october meant spent car paint spooky night sky inside windshield witch broom flying front full moon ghosts soaring clouds constellation spells boo halloween windshield obstructions chill bone tie rope windshield wiper tie opposite ends ropes around necks two rabiesinfected possums sleeping backseat storms sure car regular draculas possuminfested castle wheels three words car window guillotines imagine youre rolling windows escape cold autumn air suddenly windowsize blade shoots nearly severing arm carbased halloween tradition youll want bring back year year think frankenstein unbuckling extreme halloween fanaticsnot fainthearted place three pregnant tarantulas glove compartment wait week open glove compartment car soon filled tarantulas happy hauntings car | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T01:11:00.000+02:00 | quiz how haunted is your house | email lets make sure to keep this a conversation about my photography skills not a debate on whether or not weve been visited by aliens so really all im looking for feedbackwise is if im grasping the fundamentals of photography on this one can we ignore that theres clearly a ufo of some sort in the sky i didnt know it was there and it wasnt supposed to be in the picture i already know the spaceship is there its not constructive for you to tell me again do all the lines in the photo draw your eye to the middle is there clear depth with the mountains in the distance any advice would be great and again please ignore the apparent spaceship that again was not supposed to be in this photo in this image i was trying to frame it correctly for twopoint perspective i think you can pretty much tell that the barn has two vanishing points and in my opinion this is pretty good for a newbie id definitely like some tips for the future though to make an image like this more interesting to look at other than the fact that theres what appears to be an intergalactic vessel in the sky above it i dont know where the lights in this photo came from so whether or not they are earthly is completely irrelevant personally i think my camera was just malfunctioning since i certainly dont remember them being present while i was taking this and night photography can be strange with such long exposures so things can get weird okay now that weve discussed the elephant in the room lets talk about symmetry in this image since thats what i was going for any thoughts if one more person tells me that ive taken the most important photo in human history and doesnt have any input on if there is too much headroom above the mountains or if i used a long enough lens i am going to scream okay i admit that the ufo is what really drew me into composing this image that being said lets talk about how it fits into the photograph not the fact that i actually captured it is it a good picture possibly did i use the rule of thirds successfully i sure hope so is it proof that we arent alone in the universe well one amateurs photo isnt going to prove or disprove that | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3432/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | quiz haunted house | email lets make sure keep conversation photography skills debate whether weve visited aliens really im looking feedbackwise im grasping fundamentals photography one ignore theres clearly ufo sort sky didnt know wasnt supposed picture already know spaceship constructive tell lines photo draw eye middle clear depth mountains distance advice would great please ignore apparent spaceship supposed photo image trying frame correctly twopoint perspective think pretty much tell barn two vanishing points opinion pretty good newbie id definitely like tips future though make image like interesting look fact theres appears intergalactic vessel sky dont know lights photo came whether earthly completely irrelevant personally think camera malfunctioning since certainly dont remember present taking night photography strange long exposures things get weird okay weve discussed elephant room lets talk symmetry image since thats going thoughts one person tells ive taken important photo human history doesnt input much headroom mountains used long enough lens going scream okay admit ufo really drew composing image said lets talk fits photograph fact actually captured good picture possibly use rule thirds successfully sure hope proof arent alone universe well one amateurs photo isnt going prove disprove | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T01:03:00.000+02:00 | life happy halloween here are thrilling ways to frighten yourself very badly in your own car | email dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day i love being a baseball player because its the only job where i can legally swing a bat at a gasstation attendant if he doesnt give me free gas anthony rizzo on his love for the game i shave with the lights off in case im ever captured and my captors throw a razor at me darken the room and say shave now ill be more than ready ill be proficient james franco on preparedness in the city cabs drive through the streets at mph on the farm cows can build up a high speed once they get going you can find me either place it just depends on what sort of object im in the mood to have smash into me kacey musgraves | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3432/1/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life happy halloween thrilling ways frighten badly car | email dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day love baseball player job legally swing bat gasstation attendant doesnt give free gas anthony rizzo love game shave lights case im ever captured captors throw razor darken room say shave ill ready ill proficient james franco preparedness city cabs drive streets mph farm cows build high speed get going find either place depends sort object im mood smash kacey musgraves | 1 |
No Author | 2016-10-31T21:48:00.000+02:00 | life pictures for my amateur photography class that accidentally captured shots of ufos but i am really just looking for feedback on composition here | incredible animal mating rituals posted today email you know the birds and the bees what about the rest here are seven mating rituals that showcase nature in all its complexity and beauty
orangutans orangutans are among a special group of animals with mating rituals based around the lunar cycle meaning that whenever a full moon is in the sky male orangutans will climb the tallest tree and try to have sex with the moon only settling for a female orangutan once they grow tired of stretching their penises outward so they might touch the moon with it
armadillos in the armadillos song the male armadillos penis makes an annoying highpitched whirring sound until a female armadillo is so annoyed by it that she silences it by having sex with him
alligators during mating season male alligators stand upright and walk around on their hind legs and place their arms on their hips and sometimes even ride bikes until a female alligator gets horny from watching them
beavers the male beaver and female beaver each recite a fun fact about beavers taking a step closer to one another as they do so at some point they get so close that theyre actually mating
elephants before having sex the female elephant will coat her male partner in sticky boiling hot pepsi that only comes out of her trunk when shes in the mood
iguanas when it is time for iguanas to mate the male iguana climbs on top of a female fox and the female iguana climbs on top of a male fox the two iguanas ride their foxes straight at each other at full speed and when the foxes collide with each other the iguanas are flung forward and collide in midair as they fly through the air the male iguana impregnates the female iguana who sprays eggs in all directions as she hurtles haphazardly toward the sky when the mating ritual is complete both iguanas hit the ground and die
bonobos the male bonobo spends a full year trying to work up the courage to ask for a kiss if he is rejected or the kiss isnt that good he will crawl up a tree and scream at god for giving him such good lips for kissing but no one to share them with | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3432/0/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life pictures amateur photography class accidentally captured shots ufos really looking feedback composition | incredible animal mating rituals posted today email know birds bees rest seven mating rituals showcase nature complexity beauty orangutans orangutans among special group animals mating rituals based around lunar cycle meaning whenever full moon sky male orangutans climb tallest tree try sex moon settling female orangutan grow tired stretching penises outward might touch moon armadillos armadillos song male armadillos penis makes annoying highpitched whirring sound female armadillo annoyed silences sex alligators mating season male alligators stand upright walk around hind legs place arms hips sometimes even ride bikes female alligator gets horny watching beavers male beaver female beaver recite fun fact beavers taking step closer one another point get close theyre actually mating elephants sex female elephant coat male partner sticky boiling hot pepsi comes trunk shes mood iguanas time iguanas mate male iguana climbs top female fox female iguana climbs top male fox two iguanas ride foxes straight full speed foxes collide iguanas flung forward collide midair fly air male iguana impregnates female iguana sprays eggs directions hurtles haphazardly toward sky mating ritual complete iguanas hit ground die bonobos male bonobo spends full year trying work courage ask kiss rejected kiss isnt good crawl tree scream god giving good lips kissing one share | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T08:36:38.821+02:00 | they said what find out what anthony rizzo james franco and kacey musgraves have to say | email
if you want to see the full depths of human greed look no further than the city of chicago this week the residents of this selfish city are marching through the streets rooting for their hometown baseball team the chicago cubs to win the world series yep you heard that right the citizens of chicago want their baseball team to win the world series even though their city already has a bunch of movie theaters and a zoo
some people just want more and more and more
the endless selfishness on display here is just sickening apparently having dozens of movie theaters and a whole zoo to enjoy isnt enough for the pleasure gluttons of chicago they need a big honking world series victory too
well give you a minute to try to wrap your head around the sheer unbridled avarice of these people all you have to do is google movie theaters chicago and youll be flooded with the names and addresses of cinemas all over the city playing both mainstream blockbusters and art house gems which the people of chicago can go to whenever they want and when they arent in the mood for a movie these spoiled brats can go see exotic creatures from all over the world at the lincoln park zoo but apparently thats not enough to satisfy these unhinged hedonists no they need a gigantic parade for the chicago cubs cutting right through the middle of their city they need fountains of champagne and a picture of anthony rizzo celebrating on the front page of every major newspaper in the country
hey chicago maybe if the cubs win the world series someone will make a movie about it and you can go watch it in whichever one of the goddamn dozens of fucking movie theaters in your charmed little city is closest to your house and then when the movie about your world champion baseball team is over you can go talk about it while you look at the majestic lowland gorillas that live at your fully functioning goddamn zoo if you arent sickened by what you see in the mirror chicago its because greed has warped your minds
some people are just never content no matter how many blessings life serves to them on a silver platter apparently the people in chicago will not be satisfied unless their brains are gushing dopamine in all directions at all times they have so many movie theaters they have a zoo and yet they wont be happy until the fucking president of the united states is personally congratulating them for having the best baseball team in the world where do they get the gall to desire a world series victory amid their cornucopia of movie theaters and their zoo its disgusting nothing is ever enough for chicago
fucking ingrates | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3435/1/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find anthony rizzo james franco kacey musgraves say | email want see full depths human greed look city chicago week residents selfish city marching streets rooting hometown baseball team chicago cubs win world series yep heard right citizens chicago want baseball team win world series even though city already bunch movie theaters zoo people want endless selfishness display sickening apparently dozens movie theaters whole zoo enjoy isnt enough pleasure gluttons chicago need big honking world series victory well give minute try wrap head around sheer unbridled avarice people google movie theaters chicago youll flooded names addresses cinemas city playing mainstream blockbusters art house gems people chicago go whenever want arent mood movie spoiled brats go see exotic creatures world lincoln park zoo apparently thats enough satisfy unhinged hedonists need gigantic parade chicago cubs cutting right middle city need fountains champagne picture anthony rizzo celebrating front page every major newspaper country hey chicago maybe cubs win world series someone make movie go watch whichever one goddamn dozens fucking movie theaters charmed little city closest house movie world champion baseball team go talk look majestic lowland gorillas live fully functioning goddamn zoo arent sickened see mirror chicago greed warped minds people never content matter many blessings life serves silver platter apparently people chicago satisfied unless brains gushing dopamine directions times many movie theaters zoo yet wont happy fucking president united states personally congratulating best baseball team world get gall desire world series victory amid cornucopia movie theaters zoo disgusting nothing ever enough chicago fucking ingrates | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T18:37:32.022+02:00 | life incredible animal mating rituals | click counter clickhole uses invented names in all of its stories except in cases where public figures are being satirized any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental clickhole is not intended for readers under years of age copyright onion inc all rights reserved | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3436/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life incredible animal mating rituals | click counter clickhole uses invented names stories except cases public figures satirized use real names accidental coincidental clickhole intended readers years age copyright onion inc rights reserved | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T18:37:32.630+02:00 | news incredibly selfish the city of chicago wants its baseball team to win the world series even though it already has a bunch of movie theaters and a zoo | email youre hacking up a lung and highly contagious which gives you serious power over any retirement community theyll agree to almost anything you demand
unlimited free toast from the breakfast buffet theyve got plenty of toast in the dining hall so the retirement community will surrender as much toast as you want if you agree not to come near their barely functional immune systems until your flu clears white wheat pumpernickelits all yours for the taking however toast is just the beginning of what you can wring out of these defenseless seniors
permission to tear all the nice pictures out of their magazines youre a walking plague ship of a human and that puts the feeble and poorly constituted at your every whim feel free to peruse through the magazines in the senior lounge and keep any pictures you like you can rip up golf digest to shreds for the glossy ads about wrist watches they cant stop you
lipitor youre not sure what this drug does maybe some kind of blood thing but if you want to try lipitor this is your chance threaten to walk through their halls coughing on every doorknob you see unless you get a sack of lipitor pronto youve got them over a barrel
access to a senile patient whos been told youre fdr this is your opportunity to have an yearold man fawn over you and gratefully thank you for leading america through wwii the retirement home might hesitate to lend a resident to you but theyll cave once you remind them that youve got plenty of virusladen phlegm to spread around at the end of the day sacrificing one elder for the good of the others is a gamble a retirement community will take every time
renaming the retirement community after you tell them there better be a bronze plaque with your name bolted next to the front door or youre going to lurch through their rec center hugging every retiree you encounter like the goddamn horseman of pestilence show them you mean business by taking their purell dispenser from the front lobby and throwing it into the street
have them cure your flu all good things must come to an end including your fluempowered reign of terror when youre ready to recover from your debilitating illness ask them to send over a nurse with some antiviral drugs and chicken soup just make sure the retirement community agrees to all these concessions in writing because once youre healthy youve got nothing over them anymore | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3435/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news incredibly selfish city chicago wants baseball team win world series even though already bunch movie theaters zoo | email youre hacking lung highly contagious gives serious power retirement community theyll agree almost anything demand unlimited free toast breakfast buffet theyve got plenty toast dining hall retirement community surrender much toast want agree come near barely functional immune systems flu clears white wheat pumpernickelits taking however toast beginning wring defenseless seniors permission tear nice pictures magazines youre walking plague ship human puts feeble poorly constituted every whim feel free peruse magazines senior lounge keep pictures like rip golf digest shreds glossy ads wrist watches cant stop lipitor youre sure drug maybe kind blood thing want try lipitor chance threaten walk halls coughing every doorknob see unless get sack lipitor pronto youve got barrel access senile patient whos told youre fdr opportunity yearold man fawn gratefully thank leading america wwii retirement home might hesitate lend resident theyll cave remind youve got plenty virusladen phlegm spread around end day sacrificing one elder good others gamble retirement community take every time renaming retirement community tell better bronze plaque name bolted next front door youre going lurch rec center hugging every retiree encounter like goddamn horseman pestilence show mean business taking purell dispenser front lobby throwing street cure flu good things must come end including fluempowered reign terror youre ready recover debilitating illness ask send nurse antiviral drugs chicken soup make sure retirement community agrees concessions writing youre healthy youve got nothing anymore | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T18:37:33.704+02:00 | video these people were there when kennedy was shot and their stories are incredible | email with over a thousand miles of trails hundreds of lakes and seven sausages hidden somewhere in there yellowstone should be high on your bucket list yellowstone is home to countless species of birds mammals fish and reptiles as well as this delicious sausage which has been carefully secreted somewhere within the confines of the parks square miles and which is all yours if you find it ever since the national park service announced that it was hiding this bratwurst somewhere in yellowstone annual attendance has skyrocketed percent and with this plump tasty brat yet to be found we cant see that number going down anytime soon this sausage may be missing a bite but rest assured it will still be full of meaty flavor if you can find it hidden among yellowstones many illustrious geysers and canyons good luck finding this one before one of yellowstones many wolves gobbles it up this kielbasa hidden in a crack in the basalt of tower falls can only be seen on the full moon closest to the winter solstice so good luck getting your hands on any of its porky smoked flavor the only hint the park service is giving for this one is that its near some rocks the national park service is always looking for ways to make visiting yellowstone more enjoyable and by hiding this middle eastern sausage in a treasure chest located at the bottom of shoshone lake for divers to find its certainly done just that if youve got your eyes on this one move fast because theres no telling how long this one will stick around before a daring visitor nabs it | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3435/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | video people kennedy shot stories incredible | email thousand miles trails hundreds lakes seven sausages hidden somewhere yellowstone high bucket list yellowstone home countless species birds mammals fish reptiles well delicious sausage carefully secreted somewhere within confines parks square miles find ever since national park service announced hiding bratwurst somewhere yellowstone annual attendance skyrocketed percent plump tasty brat yet found cant see number going anytime soon sausage may missing bite rest assured still full meaty flavor find hidden among yellowstones many illustrious geysers canyons good luck finding one one yellowstones many wolves gobbles kielbasa hidden crack basalt tower falls seen full moon closest winter solstice good luck getting hands porky smoked flavor hint park service giving one near rocks national park service always looking ways make visiting yellowstone enjoyable hiding middle eastern sausage treasure chest located bottom shoshone lake divers find certainly done youve got eyes one move fast theres telling long one stick around daring visitor nabs | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T18:37:37.398+02:00 | life got the flu heres demands you can extract from your local retirement community with that leverage | email
since donald trump entered the election over a year ago he has singlehandedly destroyed the gop leaving both the house and the senate in utter disarray but although many political strategists believe permanent damage has been done conservatives shouldnt lose hope yet because speaker of the house paul ryan has just emerged fully nude from an ayahuasca tent with visions of a new republican party
a fresh gop platform requires fresh leadership and when speaker ryan journeyed to south america last week to embark on an immersive psychedelic vision quest of political rebirth he just proved hes the only one for the job
after traveling to peru and entering a makeshift tent with nothing but a towel mg of dmt and a bucket to vomit in paul ryan rwis spent the last hours lying nude on the jungle floor enduring bursts of vivid consciousness in which he watched the secrets of a unified more moderate gop unfold before his very eyes
while under the influence of the powerful psychedelic ancient spiritual guides appeared before the congressman instructed him to remove his clothes and held him down as lifelike projections of republican leaders twisted and contorted around him until the perfect cabinet had revealed itself amid infinite realities in which tax cuts and fiscal budgets exploded into cacophonous symphonies all to create a republican party that mobilizes key voter constituencies
check out these tweets he posted just a few moments after emerging nude from his tent in the amazon rain forest
whoa democrats have been pretty confident this past year but if paul ryans visions of the republican party are right they better watch out
say what you want about paul ryan but hes a man who refuses to give up on the one hand is it possible that the speakers grand ayahuasca visions of a new republican party are just a temporary fix sure but on the other hand if he plays his cards right his proposals could have an even larger impact than they did during the thousands of years he lived while trapped inside his own mind
one thing is for sure paul ryan emerged fully nude from that ayahuasca tent with a new perspective and people are starting to take notice | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3435/8/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life got flu heres demands extract local retirement community leverage | email since donald trump entered election year ago singlehandedly destroyed gop leaving house senate utter disarray although many political strategists believe permanent damage done conservatives shouldnt lose hope yet speaker house paul ryan emerged fully nude ayahuasca tent visions new republican party fresh gop platform requires fresh leadership speaker ryan journeyed south america last week embark immersive psychedelic vision quest political rebirth proved hes one job traveling peru entering makeshift tent nothing towel mg dmt bucket vomit paul ryan rwis spent last hours lying nude jungle floor enduring bursts vivid consciousness watched secrets unified moderate gop unfold eyes influence powerful psychedelic ancient spiritual guides appeared congressman instructed remove clothes held lifelike projections republican leaders twisted contorted around perfect cabinet revealed amid infinite realities tax cuts fiscal budgets exploded cacophonous symphonies create republican party mobilizes key voter constituencies check tweets posted moments emerging nude tent amazon rain forest whoa democrats pretty confident past year paul ryans visions republican party right better watch say want paul ryan hes man refuses give one hand possible speakers grand ayahuasca visions new republican party temporary fix sure hand plays cards right proposals could even larger impact thousands years lived trapped inside mind one thing sure paul ryan emerged fully nude ayahuasca tent new perspective people starting take notice | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T19:32:59.309+02:00 | life sausages the national park service has hidden somewhere in yellowstone for people to find | click counter clickhole uses invented names in all of its stories except in cases where public figures are being satirized any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental clickhole is not intended for readers under years of age copyright onion inc all rights reserved | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3384/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life sausages national park service hidden somewhere yellowstone people find | click counter clickhole uses invented names stories except cases public figures satirized use real names accidental coincidental clickhole intended readers years age copyright onion inc rights reserved | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T19:32:59.954+02:00 | news hope for the gop a nude paul ryan has just emerged from an ayahuasca tent with visions of a new republican party | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day theres nothing illegal about taking spaghetti underwater the real problem is that its just not that great of an idea gugu mbatharaw on underwater spaghetti how organized could our nations landfills become if everyone just stuffed their leftover food waste into their chip bag take the extra step adrian grenier on lunch the first time i heard a fire alarm go off was in fourth grade i was mesmerized i thought beautiful how can i get that to subtract for me thats how microsoft began bill gates | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3436/8/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news hope gop nude paul ryan emerged ayahuasca tent visions new republican party | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day theres nothing illegal taking spaghetti underwater real problem great idea gugu mbatharaw underwater spaghetti organized could nations landfills become everyone stuffed leftover food waste chip bag take extra step adrian grenier lunch first time heard fire alarm go fourth grade mesmerized thought beautiful get subtract thats microsoft began bill gates | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-02T00:17:31.986+02:00 | video beautiful listen to these doctors talk about the first time they learned about stomachs | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day my friends have somehow gotten it into their heads that im attracted to ghosts so every day ill get texts saying i just met a great handsome ghost i want to set you up with for marriage i want to lay this rumor to rest i think ghosts are as ugly as rats mindy kaling on ghosts the second my successor swears in im going to start chasing my secret service members and they know it barack obama on what hell be doing on january at pm i just remembered another fact about jaws the sharks mouth is called jaws not the shark itself steven spielberg | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3435/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | video beautiful listen doctors talk first time learned stomachs | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day friends somehow gotten heads im attracted ghosts every day ill get texts saying met great handsome ghost want set marriage want lay rumor rest think ghosts ugly rats mindy kaling ghosts second successor swears im going start chasing secret service members know barack obama hell january pm remembered another fact jaws sharks mouth called jaws shark steven spielberg | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-02T08:29:40.632+02:00 | they said what find out what gugu mbatharaw adrian grenier and bill gates have to say | email
meditation is some pretty awesome stuff and the practice is finding its way into more and more lives every day now a program at cedar creek middle school in portland me is proving that meditation can have a major impact by meditating just minutes a day nearly all of the kids in the program have seen lower stress levels and higher test scores and three of them have gone absolutely insane
what a remarkable result
the program called mindful kids encourages students to sit silently in a darkened classroom for minutes a day and listen to white noise six weeks in the effects were already striking most of the students had noticeably improved behavior and were more engaged in their schoolwork and three of them had pulled out all of their hair and created their own language that they speak through their nostrils
its astounding said colin creedman the teacher who started the program we expected the meditation to cause some improvement but we didnt plan on it having such a big impact c students became a students there have been no fights three of them started worshipping a bunsen burner as their god and theyre much more focused in class anyone whos skeptical of the effectiveness of meditation really needs to meet these kids
the students in the program have noticed some big differences too i feel more calm said yearold melissa hogseth not just during the meditation but throughout the day i think its great for kids to meditate
tenyearold jason woodward says he also has benefited from meditating my blood has become pure mercury i can absorb shadows now meditation has helped me focus my energy into a beam that can cut glass and soon flesh and bone
unbelievable the brain is an amazing thing and these kids prove that meditation can unlock its full potential and sometimes make it go batshit insane way to go cedar creek middle school | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3436/0/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find gugu mbatharaw adrian grenier bill gates say | email meditation pretty awesome stuff practice finding way lives every day program cedar creek middle school portland proving meditation major impact meditating minutes day nearly kids program seen lower stress levels higher test scores three gone absolutely insane remarkable result program called mindful kids encourages students sit silently darkened classroom minutes day listen white noise six weeks effects already striking students noticeably improved behavior engaged schoolwork three pulled hair created language speak nostrils astounding said colin creedman teacher started program expected meditation cause improvement didnt plan big impact c students became students fights three started worshipping bunsen burner god theyre much focused class anyone whos skeptical effectiveness meditation really needs meet kids students program noticed big differences feel calm said yearold melissa hogseth meditation throughout day think great kids meditate tenyearold jason woodward says also benefited meditating blood become pure mercury absorb shadows meditation helped focus energy beam cut glass soon flesh bone unbelievable brain amazing thing kids prove meditation unlock full potential sometimes make go batshit insane way go cedar creek middle school | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-03T09:50:10.485+02:00 | they said what find out what mindy kaling barack obama and steven spielberg have to say | ways they truly were the greatest generation posted yesterday email we wont soon see their like again
they know that sacrifice isnt just a word but a set of meanings associated with that particular word
they ate two raw eggs every morning two raw eggs in the afternoon and two raw eggs after sundown because thats just what you did
they were feet tall with long terrible teeth and arms thick as a clippers mast and their awful strength was matched only by their appetites
they know that this is the best way to tie a tie
they were married by age had a house by sucked the tongue out of a jackals mouth by had their arms and legs ripped off on the radio by and did it all over again by
some of them were named leland which is wild
they could get under the hood of any car and tell you exactly how theyd fuck it
the previous holder of that title was the generation that came up with the idea for pets so you gotta think this ones pretty great
they never threw anything out if they could tuck it under one of their folds
you could kill or even of them and you still wouldnt have killed all of them
when it really really mattered they put aside differences of race creed sex and nationality to do world war ii
they drove the hideous tasmanian tiger extinct
theyre definitely the last generation to ever witness this in person
many of them live underground pretty impressive
their ranks include frank sinatra john travoltas dad and dagwood from blondie
they never left a man behind thats why we have bruce
they fought for civil rights but also against civil rights but they won the fight but they really tried pretty hard to shut that fight down so maybe that ones kind of a wash
they probably invented tarp the outdoor silk
they learned the kind of dignity and poise that makes this happen when they enter a room
they really need the gratification so dont deny them this | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3439/1/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find mindy kaling barack obama steven spielberg say | ways truly greatest generation posted yesterday email wont soon see like know sacrifice isnt word set meanings associated particular word ate two raw eggs every morning two raw eggs afternoon two raw eggs sundown thats feet tall long terrible teeth arms thick clippers mast awful strength matched appetites know best way tie tie married age house sucked tongue jackals mouth arms legs ripped radio named leland wild could get hood car tell exactly theyd fuck previous holder title generation came idea pets gotta think ones pretty great never threw anything could tuck one folds could kill even still wouldnt killed really really mattered put aside differences race creed sex nationality world war ii drove hideous tasmanian tiger extinct theyre definitely last generation ever witness person many live underground pretty impressive ranks include frank sinatra john travoltas dad dagwood blondie never left man behind thats bruce fought civil rights also civil rights fight really tried pretty hard shut fight maybe ones kind wash probably invented tarp outdoor silk learned kind dignity poise makes happen enter room really need gratification dont deny | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-03T00:40:00.000+02:00 | life when this middle school introduced meditation into the school day many of its students saw incredible benefits and three went insane | ever wonder how britains most iconic pop pianist gets through a long flight here are the six pictures of sharks sir elton john likes to stare at to pass the time on an airplane a shark swimming
sit next to elton john on a flight and youll see a man living in the lap of luxury as he immediately tapes this photo of a shark darting through the ocean over his window to stare at throughout the trip the platinumselling artist has been known to pull his window shade down to make the shark disappear and then quickly retract it to mark the animals triumphant return he will often repeat this act dozens of times per flight a great white shark leaping into the air
when youre an international pop sensation worth an estimated million people go the extra mile to make you happy flight crews are instructed to place this photo of a breaching great white in elton johns seatback pocket before he even boards the plane the fivetime grammy winner loves to pull the image out at his leisure to stare at while flying sometimes holding it a mere to inches away from his face while he fixates upon the sharks beady eyes a shark on the prowl
rumor has it elton john first acquired this shark photo in just before flying to london to perform candle in the wind at princess dianas funeral its been a staple of his travel routine ever since those who have flown with the music legend say that sir elton turns on every single overhead light in his row to study this picture with a magnifying glass two hammerhead sharks
how does the man behind tiny dancer and rocket man handle turbulence as his plane traverses the atlantic once that fasten seat belts sign lights up this picture of two hammerhead sharks comes out elton john holds the photo in a tight vice grip and stares straight at it until the turbulence passes often without blinking for minutes at a time the poster for jaws
sir elton john absolutely adores the poster for steven spielbergs jaws and hopes to one day see the film in the meantime the british icon makes do by slowly unfolding his byinch copy of the poster whenever hes on a long flight gently tracing the sharks teeth with his finger as he stares lovingly into its gaping mouth pilots choice
as much as elton relishes in the calming regularity of his shark picture rotation he also loves the excitement of gazing upon a totally unexpected shark when flying from london to a distant corner of europe thats why all pilots who fly sir elton print out a shark picture of their choice from their home computers before going to the airport and hand it to the visibly excited musician prior to takeoff so yeahits good to be elton | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3438/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life middle school introduced meditation school day many students saw incredible benefits three went insane | ever wonder britains iconic pop pianist gets long flight six pictures sharks sir elton john likes stare pass time airplane shark swimming sit next elton john flight youll see man living lap luxury immediately tapes photo shark darting ocean window stare throughout trip platinumselling artist known pull window shade make shark disappear quickly retract mark animals triumphant return often repeat act dozens times per flight great white shark leaping air youre international pop sensation worth estimated million people go extra mile make happy flight crews instructed place photo breaching great white elton johns seatback pocket even boards plane fivetime grammy winner loves pull image leisure stare flying sometimes holding mere inches away face fixates upon sharks beady eyes shark prowl rumor elton john first acquired shark photo flying london perform candle wind princess dianas funeral staple travel routine ever since flown music legend say sir elton turns every single overhead light row study picture magnifying glass two hammerhead sharks man behind tiny dancer rocket man handle turbulence plane traverses atlantic fasten seat belts sign lights picture two hammerhead sharks comes elton john holds photo tight vice grip stares straight turbulence passes often without blinking minutes time poster jaws sir elton john absolutely adores poster steven spielbergs jaws hopes one day see film meantime british icon makes slowly unfolding byinch copy poster whenever hes long flight gently tracing sharks teeth finger stares lovingly gaping mouth pilots choice much elton relishes calming regularity shark picture rotation also loves excitement gazing upon totally unexpected shark flying london distant corner europe thats pilots fly sir elton print shark picture choice home computers going airport hand visibly excited musician prior takeoff yeahits good elton | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-03T00:10:00.000+02:00 | life ways they truly were the greatest generation | email
for friends and family who loved him dearly the death of robert harkin in early august was sudden and unexpected but despite their sadness they can take comfort in knowing that his legacy will live on his sister karen has taken over his facebook page and honors her brother by continuing to share islamophobic rhetoric in his memory
absolutely beautiful
they rarely chose to talk about politics while he was alive but karen has been able to reconnect with her brother since his death by discovering his fear and hatred of islam its been a steep learning curve but in time shes been able to understand so much about what he cared about most and she now feels closer to him than ever the threat syrian refugees pose to our freedom the politicians who willingly turn a blind eye to the rising threat of islamic terrorismall of the bigoted beliefs that made robert who he was
since picking up the mantle of his facebook account karen has committed to maintaining the xenophobia that exemplified her brothers life when time magazine ran a story about a muslim woman who felt unsafe in america karen understood right away that robert would want to share the article with the comment maybe shed feel more safe if she moved to saudia arabia where she can practice sharia law with the rest of them sometimes a sister just knows
for those who were close to robert seeing a backwards misinformed post decrying the spread of radical islam is like being with him again his page is a place where those who knew him can come share a memory and talk about the spread of sharia lawexactly what robert would have wanted whenever she posts about the inherent violence in the muslim faith karen takes comfort in knowing that with every like and share her brother remains a vibrant part of peoples lives
in the wake of roberts death i think everyone was just looking for a place to see hateful rhetoric says karen who remembers her brother by spending two to three hours per day scouring the internet for signs of a larger islamic conspiracy i miss him every day but as long as i continue to invite his facebook friends to like a group whose mission is to block the construction of mosques in america its like hes still here
wow if only everyone had such a devoted sister wherever he is robert must be resting easy knowing his sister is there to share his hateful paranoid beliefs with the world | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3438/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life ways truly greatest generation | email friends family loved dearly death robert harkin early august sudden unexpected despite sadness take comfort knowing legacy live sister karen taken facebook page honors brother continuing share islamophobic rhetoric memory absolutely beautiful rarely chose talk politics alive karen able reconnect brother since death discovering fear hatred islam steep learning curve time shes able understand much cared feels closer ever threat syrian refugees pose freedom politicians willingly turn blind eye rising threat islamic terrorismall bigoted beliefs made robert since picking mantle facebook account karen committed maintaining xenophobia exemplified brothers life time magazine ran story muslim woman felt unsafe america karen understood right away robert would want share article comment maybe shed feel safe moved saudia arabia practice sharia law rest sometimes sister knows close robert seeing backwards misinformed post decrying spread radical islam like page place knew come share memory talk spread sharia lawexactly robert would wanted whenever posts inherent violence muslim faith karen takes comfort knowing every like share brother remains vibrant part peoples lives wake roberts death think everyone looking place see hateful rhetoric says karen remembers brother spending two three hours per day scouring internet signs larger islamic conspiracy miss every day long continue invite facebook friends like group whose mission block construction mosques america like hes still wow everyone devoted sister wherever robert must resting easy knowing sister share hateful paranoid beliefs world | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-02T21:15:00.000+02:00 | life life of luxury elton johns favorite shark pictures to stare at during long transcontinental flights | email
last night the chicago cubs eked out a thrilling game victory in the world series against the cleveland indians and ended a championship drought that had lasted for years this is a historic moment to be sure but there will be no smiling and cheering in chicago fans of the cubs are still too sad over the death of princess diana to do any celebrating
i honestly never thought id see the cubs bring home the trophy but everyone here is still too swept up with grief over lady di to really enjoy themselves right now said cubbies superfan raymon lindley who was among the thousands of fans who gathered outside wrigley field following last nights edgeofyourseat game to light candles in memory of the late princess of wales it would be macabre to celebrate the win in light of what happened to princess diana on that fateful august night in
theo epstein the cursebreaking president of baseball operations for the cubs has shipped the world series trophy overseas to britain where it is to be laid on the grave of the peoples princess while the people of chicago are undoubtedly proud of their cubs no parade has been planned as the general feeling of the city is that it would be too gratuitous at this time
i just called my yearold grandfather who waited his whole life to see the cubs win the world series said longtime seasonticket holder karen hunter we spent the entire call crying about princess diana together she was so young
i would give a thousand cubs world series wins if lady di could be alive for one more day hunter added
history has been made and the cubs finally have their muchsoughtafter championship but fans clearly still have a long way to go before theyre comfortable celebrating the historic achievement aside from the occasional outburst of candle in the wind by groups of bereft fans wrigleyville will remain a quiet and mournful place until the cubs faithful are ready to party with their victorious hometown heroes and its anyones guess as to when that will be | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3437/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life life luxury elton johns favorite shark pictures stare long transcontinental flights | email last night chicago cubs eked thrilling game victory world series cleveland indians ended championship drought lasted years historic moment sure smiling cheering chicago fans cubs still sad death princess diana celebrating honestly never thought id see cubs bring home trophy everyone still swept grief lady di really enjoy right said cubbies superfan raymon lindley among thousands fans gathered outside wrigley field following last nights edgeofyourseat game light candles memory late princess wales would macabre celebrate win light happened princess diana fateful august night theo epstein cursebreaking president baseball operations cubs shipped world series trophy overseas britain laid grave peoples princess people chicago undoubtedly proud cubs parade planned general feeling city would gratuitous time called yearold grandfather waited whole life see cubs win world series said longtime seasonticket holder karen hunter spent entire call crying princess diana together young would give thousand cubs world series wins lady di could alive one day hunter added history made cubs finally muchsoughtafter championship fans clearly still long way go theyre comfortable celebrating historic achievement aside occasional outburst candle wind groups bereft fans wrigleyville remain quiet mournful place cubs faithful ready party victorious hometown heroes anyones guess | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-02T21:07:00.000+02:00 | life touching after her brother passed away this woman took over his facebook page to continue sharing islamophobic rhetoric | email
it should come as no surprise that the billion bottledwater industry is pretty much the polar opposite of environmental sustainability fortunately one of the biggest producers of bottled water is taking some real action to go green poland spring is fighting the accumulation of plastic waste with a new campaign that highlights how terrible their bottled water tastes
now here is a company that gets it
we just want to get the word out that our crystalclear water tastes truly awful said janet connor senior vp of marketing for poland spring every year billion plastic water bottles are thrown out in order to minimize the impact we have on the environment we wanted to remind people that drinking our fresh spring water is an unpleasant ordeal from the first sip to the last given the option it would be a better idea to drink hot wolf piss
as part of the campaign poland spring is marshaling their full resources behind the effort including print and billboard placements that advertise their water as a miserable experience for your mouth to support these efforts social campaigns using the hashtag mypolandspringtasteslike will encourage users to share the first time they tried the companys bottled water and to pull no punches when it comes to describing the excruciating flavor
poland spring has even updated its website to reflect their new focus
wow what a huge win for the environment its nice to see that the folks at poland spring are willing to describe their product as satans vomit if it means making this planet a better place way to go | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3436/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life touching brother passed away woman took facebook page continue sharing islamophobic rhetoric | email come surprise billion bottledwater industry pretty much polar opposite environmental sustainability fortunately one biggest producers bottled water taking real action go green poland spring fighting accumulation plastic waste new campaign highlights terrible bottled water tastes company gets want get word crystalclear water tastes truly awful said janet connor senior vp marketing poland spring every year billion plastic water bottles thrown order minimize impact environment wanted remind people drinking fresh spring water unpleasant ordeal first sip last given option would better idea drink hot wolf piss part campaign poland spring marshaling full resources behind effort including print billboard placements advertise water miserable experience mouth support efforts social campaigns using hashtag mypolandspringtasteslike encourage users share first time tried companys bottled water pull punches comes describing excruciating flavor poland spring even updated website reflect new focus wow huge win environment nice see folks poland spring willing describe product satans vomit means making planet better place way go | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-04T03:56:00.000+02:00 | news a somber moment cubs fans all over the world are still too sad about princess diana to celebrate the cubs world series | email his hand might be on your leg but right now youre in the drivers seat
phrase your request carefully its absolutely imperative that when you ask the man who currently has his hand on your knee for a raise you are respectful and conscious nail down every word in your request beforehand so that when the time comes the man with his hand on your knee is inspired but not threatened
anticipate your talking points ask yourself is your employer dataconscious is your parent company in a good financial position to give out raises right now are five sweaty fingers simply resting on your knee or are they moving around toying playfully with the fabric on your pants as youre sitting across from the man controlling those fingers make sure youre constantly asking yourself these types of questions because if you do youre guaranteed to step up your negotiation skills tenfold
assume a stance that is confident but also gently pushes his hand off your knee whether youre crossing your legs to subtly shake his hand off your knee or swiveling your chair to guide his palm onto the armrest of your chair try to use your body to signal confidence rather than looking fidgety after all visual cues are just as important as verbal ones so when you sit down in his office and notice the hand on your leg or rubbing your upper arm look like the valuable employee you truly know you are
make sure to ask for an exact salary before the mans fingers start moving up your leg it might seem daunting at first to directly ask for money but if you dont come with an exact number in mind the man with his hand on your knee will end up confused with little direction information about how much of a bump to give you calculate an appropriate new salary so you can bargain but when you do avoid mentioning the salaries of any other coworkers whose legs he has also touched because this is about you not them
dont mention the hand a real negotiator stays on target and doesnt let daytoday work conversations creep into business mentioning or even looking at the hand is a surefire way to upset the man with his hand on your knee and bring the meeting to a close without getting a raise keep your message laserfocused
be prepared for a no look you might not get a raise this time but dont worry its not personal thats just business and sometimes you have to ask once twice or even three more times before the man with his hand on your knee finally gives you a raise and if he doesnt who knows might be time for a new job | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3439/8/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news somber moment cubs fans world still sad princess diana celebrate cubs world series | email hand might leg right youre drivers seat phrase request carefully absolutely imperative ask man currently hand knee raise respectful conscious nail every word request beforehand time comes man hand knee inspired threatened anticipate talking points ask employer dataconscious parent company good financial position give raises right five sweaty fingers simply resting knee moving around toying playfully fabric pants youre sitting across man controlling fingers make sure youre constantly asking types questions youre guaranteed step negotiation skills tenfold assume stance confident also gently pushes hand knee whether youre crossing legs subtly shake hand knee swiveling chair guide palm onto armrest chair try use body signal confidence rather looking fidgety visual cues important verbal ones sit office notice hand leg rubbing upper arm look like valuable employee truly know make sure ask exact salary mans fingers start moving leg might seem daunting first directly ask money dont come exact number mind man hand knee end confused little direction information much bump give calculate appropriate new salary bargain avoid mentioning salaries coworkers whose legs also touched dont mention hand real negotiator stays target doesnt let daytoday work conversations creep business mentioning even looking hand surefire way upset man hand knee bring meeting close without getting raise keep message laserfocused prepared look might get raise time dont worry personal thats business sometimes ask twice even three times man hand knee finally gives raise doesnt knows might time new job | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-04T02:41:00.000+02:00 | life environmental win poland spring is fighting plastic waste with a campaign highlighting the disgusting flavor of its bottled water | email meat noises today cant hold a candle to these classics if you ask any meat eater to describe what it was like to be carnivorous in the s dont be surprised if they reply with their best imitation of this iconic sizzle this sound the original s sizzle the good ol days when this could be heard across every american grill while it held enough broad appeal for child meat eaters to enjoy it always had something a little naughty just for the parents to understand no smartphones necessary to appreciate this classic griddle noise meat eaters in the s went wild when in the nowclassic episode of friends the one where joey ruins labor day joey and chandler fired up the grill threw on some burgers and thenwell if you havent seen the episode you wont get it keen listeners will know this one is straight from the summer of from the johnson familys burger barbecue in orlando fl if youve never woken up with this sound stuck in your head its because you either werent around in the s werent eating meat then or both the s were all about hissing and the s featured their fair share of crackling but when it came to the s sizzling was king and no sizzling noise was more recognizable to meat eaters than this one and we miss it every day | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3439/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life environmental win poland spring fighting plastic waste campaign highlighting disgusting flavor bottled water | email meat noises today cant hold candle classics ask meat eater describe like carnivorous dont surprised reply best imitation iconic sizzle sound original sizzle good ol days could heard across every american grill held enough broad appeal child meat eaters enjoy always something little naughty parents understand smartphones necessary appreciate classic griddle noise meat eaters went wild nowclassic episode friends one joey ruins labor day joey chandler fired grill threw burgers thenwell havent seen episode wont get keen listeners know one straight summer johnson familys burger barbecue orlando fl youve never woken sound stuck head either werent around werent eating meat hissing featured fair share crackling came sizzling king sizzling noise recognizable meat eaters one miss every day | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-03T23:34:00.000+02:00 | life career goals ftw tips for asking the man whose hand is currently on your knee for a raise | email yoda is a sick elderly reptile who lives alone at a motel in a swamp hes an absolute mess and hes incapable of looking after himself do you think you have what it takes to be his livein caretaker before we get started you need to understand that this is not a glamorous job yoda is miserable to be around he needs constant supervision and his hygiene is appalling caring for him is an aroundtheclock gig and it requires an extraordinary level of patience and compassion youre going to have to put up with a lot of bullshit thats okay im confident i can handle whatever challenges the job throws my way wow that sounds pretty difficult i suppose id just have to try my best and hope i do a good job honestly i dont really have any experience with anything like this i already know that i would do a terrible job one of the most important aspects of the job is tending to yodas skincare needs his skin is dry flaky and covered in sores and it needs to be rubbed down several times a day with a special prescription lotion unfortunately yoda hates being touched and he wont let you put the lotion on without a fight sometimes hell spray you with his stink gland or try to bite you other times hell scurry underneath the couch and try to dig a hole in the floor to hide in frantically scratching at the carpet until his hooves are bloody and raw with this in mind how would you go about getting him to cooperate with you for his skin treatments using simple terms he can understand id explain to him why the skin treatments are necessary and id work with him to figure out what exactly he doesnt enjoy about them and then use that information to tailor the process for him so that its as painless and comfortable as possible i would trap him underneath a laundry basket until he burns off all his combative energy then once hes tuckered out i would pin him to the floor with my knee and apply the lotion to his skin as quickly as possible before he gets a second wind id spread a thin layer of the lotion around the inside of a garbage bag then id roll a tennis ball past yoda to create a distraction and while his attention is diverted i would run over and stuff him inside the garbage bag id shake him up and down inside the bag until his body was covered in lotion and then i would dump him out on a mat of paper towels to clean off any excess lotion i would really rather not touch his gross skin so id probably just leave the lotion out on the counter for him yoda always makes a huge fuss about eating his fruits and vegetables and if he had his way he would live entirely off of slim jims how would you ensure that hes eating a healthy nutritious diet and not just slim jims i would make him healthy vegetarian slim jims out of ground mushrooms spices lentils and other wholesome ingredientshe wouldnt be able to tell the difference i would dip all of his slim jims in nail polish remover to make them taste horrible leaving him no choice but to eat the vegetables if he doesnt want to go hungry i would tell him that his nemesis count dooku is coming to spay him and the only way for him to get strong enough to fight back is if he fills himself up on powerful vitamins and minerals like the ones found in fruits and vegetables i would mash the fruits and vegetables into a paste and force the paste down his throat with my fingers yoda spends hours each morning tending to a patch of weeds out back that he refers to as his crops its pretty harmlesshe mostly just sprays the hose and drags a rake around a bitbut if you dont keep an eye on him hell sneak away and try to find the chosen one thats what he calls the trasheating swamp pelican that lives in the pond behind the house its unclear why he thinks this pelican is so special but hes already given it his lightsaber and all of his money in an effort to help it defeat the dark side this is all nonsense of course and its important to make sure yoda doesnt give any more of his valuables to this bird what measures would you take to keep yoda away from the chosen one i would tether him to the house with a length of rope thats long enough for him to freely tend to his crops but too short for him to wander off to places he shouldnt be i would dress yoda in a vest covered in flashing lights and bells which would scare the pelican away should it ever try to approach shock collar i would shoot the pelican with a gun and then make yoda eat its disgusting meat so that he realizes that the bird isnt special theres nothing in the world that yoda enjoys more than watching pornography however doing so gets him extremely riled up and his doctor has warned that his heart is no longer strong enough to handle excitement like this nonetheless yoda will still try to watch porn any chance he gets and the only way to curb this habit is to reprimand him when he does how would you reprimand yoda for watching porn i would revoke his tv and computer privileges for the rest of the day and have him use his time to do something constructive instead i would put an oven mitt over his head and ducttape it in place so hed be physically incapable of looking at pornor anything else for that matter i would leave the oven mitt over his head for an entire day i would strip off all his clothes and parade him around town so that he could see how it feels to have strangers stare at him when hes naked i would charge people to take pictures with naked yoda and i would spend all the money on something he hates i would put him in the oven and pretend like i was going to cremate him and i would only take him out if he promised to never look at porn again one thing to be aware of is that yoda is very afraid of airplanes if he hears a commercial jet flying overhead hell freak out and try to use the force to make it crash granted hes probably not strong enough anymore to actually cause any harm but just be aware that thats a thing he might do got it ill make sure he doesnt try to down any airplanes if yoda wants to make an airplane crash who am i to stop him yoda has no family or friends but he does have a catfish named obiwan that he keeps in a cigar box next to his bed he talks quietly to the catfish for several hours each night but what he doesnt realize is that the catfish is dead yodas doctor is concerned that hes formed an unhealthy attachment to the catfish and he has strongly suggested taking the catfish away from him before he becomes any more emotionally invested in it how would you go about taking yodas catfish away from him while also minimizing the emotional devastation that will result from losing his treasured companion i would get yoda a fishbowl and his very own pet goldfish once he has a real live fish to take care of i trust hell begin losing interest in obiwan and i will then gradually start weaning the dead fish out of his life while yoda is sleeping i would secretly put a small speaker inside of obiwans belly and wirelessly connect it to a microphone that i could use to make the dead catfish talk then the following day when yoda is having his alone time with obiwan i would have the catfish say yoda if you truly care about me please flush me down the toilet so i can go live with my family in the sewer hopefully he would feel comfortable parting with his companion if he thought it was what the dead catfish wanted i would tell yoda that count dooku is coming to make obiwan into a delicious po boy sandwich and the only way for him to thwart his nemesis is to run outside and toss obiwan into the swamp pond so he can swim away to safety i would throw obiwan in the trash and then lock yoda in a cupboard until he stops crying get results results for do you have what it takes to be yodas livein caretaker you have what it takes to be yodas livein caretaker wow sounds like this is the perfect gig for you looking after yoda is a very demanding job but your thoughtfulness and patience would be the perfect counterbalance to his unpleasant lifestyle and turbulent behavior the force is definitely on your side share your results | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3439/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life career goals ftw tips asking man whose hand currently knee raise | email yoda sick elderly reptile lives alone motel swamp hes absolute mess hes incapable looking think takes livein caretaker get started need understand glamorous job yoda miserable around needs constant supervision hygiene appalling caring aroundtheclock gig requires extraordinary level patience compassion youre going put lot bullshit thats okay im confident handle whatever challenges job throws way wow sounds pretty difficult suppose id try best hope good job honestly dont really experience anything like already know would terrible job one important aspects job tending yodas skincare needs skin dry flaky covered sores needs rubbed several times day special prescription lotion unfortunately yoda hates touched wont let put lotion without fight sometimes hell spray stink gland try bite times hell scurry underneath couch try dig hole floor hide frantically scratching carpet hooves bloody raw mind would go getting cooperate skin treatments using simple terms understand id explain skin treatments necessary id work figure exactly doesnt enjoy use information tailor process painless comfortable possible would trap underneath laundry basket burns combative energy hes tuckered would pin floor knee apply lotion skin quickly possible gets second wind id spread thin layer lotion around inside garbage bag id roll tennis ball past yoda create distraction attention diverted would run stuff inside garbage bag id shake inside bag body covered lotion would dump mat paper towels clean excess lotion would really rather touch gross skin id probably leave lotion counter yoda always makes huge fuss eating fruits vegetables way would live entirely slim jims would ensure hes eating healthy nutritious diet slim jims would make healthy vegetarian slim jims ground mushrooms spices lentils wholesome ingredientshe wouldnt able tell difference would dip slim jims nail polish remover make taste horrible leaving choice eat vegetables doesnt want go hungry would tell nemesis count dooku coming spay way get strong enough fight back fills powerful vitamins minerals like ones found fruits vegetables would mash fruits vegetables paste force paste throat fingers yoda spends hours morning tending patch weeds back refers crops pretty harmlesshe mostly sprays hose drags rake around bitbut dont keep eye hell sneak away try find chosen one thats calls trasheating swamp pelican lives pond behind house unclear thinks pelican special hes already given lightsaber money effort help defeat dark side nonsense course important make sure yoda doesnt give valuables bird measures would take keep yoda away chosen one would tether house length rope thats long enough freely tend crops short wander places shouldnt would dress yoda vest covered flashing lights bells would scare pelican away ever try approach shock collar would shoot pelican gun make yoda eat disgusting meat realizes bird isnt special theres nothing world yoda enjoys watching pornography however gets extremely riled doctor warned heart longer strong enough handle excitement like nonetheless yoda still try watch porn chance gets way curb habit reprimand would reprimand yoda watching porn would revoke tv computer privileges rest day use time something constructive instead would put oven mitt head ducttape place hed physically incapable looking pornor anything else matter would leave oven mitt head entire day would strip clothes parade around town could see feels strangers stare hes naked would charge people take pictures naked yoda would spend money something hates would put oven pretend like going cremate would take promised never look porn one thing aware yoda afraid airplanes hears commercial jet flying overhead hell freak try use force make crash granted hes probably strong enough anymore actually cause harm aware thats thing might got ill make sure doesnt try airplanes yoda wants make airplane crash stop yoda family friends catfish named obiwan keeps cigar box next bed talks quietly catfish several hours night doesnt realize catfish dead yodas doctor concerned hes formed unhealthy attachment catfish strongly suggested taking catfish away becomes emotionally invested would go taking yodas catfish away also minimizing emotional devastation result losing treasured companion would get yoda fishbowl pet goldfish real live fish take care trust hell begin losing interest obiwan gradually start weaning dead fish life yoda sleeping would secretly put small speaker inside obiwans belly wirelessly connect microphone could use make dead catfish talk following day yoda alone time obiwan would catfish say yoda truly care please flush toilet go live family sewer hopefully would feel comfortable parting companion thought dead catfish wanted would tell yoda count dooku coming make obiwan delicious po boy sandwich way thwart nemesis run outside toss obiwan swamp pond swim away safety would throw obiwan trash lock yoda cupboard stops crying get results results takes yodas livein caretaker takes yodas livein caretaker wow sounds like perfect gig looking yoda demanding job thoughtfulness patience would perfect counterbalance unpleasant lifestyle turbulent behavior force definitely side share results | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-03T22:22:00.000+02:00 | life sizzling noises that only s meat eaters will understand | i know all of these meats this slab of bacon has felt the warmth of my hands and the beauty of my gaze i can remember the moment as if it happened only an hour ago i was young having just been asked to leave the seminary after i repeatedly refused to chip in for wifi and walking through downtown kansas city when i came across this sirloin steak never before had i seen something so special i took the meat up into my hands and eyed it for a solid three minutes before i set it back down on a manhole cover and continued on my way a chance meeting sure but an unforgettable one ive seen and held raw meat as well this pork chop while raw is still deserving of human touch and i provided that comfort for it anyone would have done the same when you win a oneday twonights cruise to stamford ct on a radio call in sweepstakes you think you have it made but i was a bit nervous when i took this succulent rack of st louis ribs onboard with me it was my very first cruise and i didnt know what to expect but lets just say i was extremely happy that i won two tickets for this maiden voyage im currently holding this tenderloin in my hands but sadly i have not opened my eyes to gaze upon it yet the time will come though when i see it and it will be incredible heres another cut of meat that has sensed my touch and stare this one i was holding and touching in a helicopter a few years back it was the helicopter of my rival and he was trying to show me how much better his life was than mine all i had was the meat a far cry from a fully functional helicopter so even though he asked me not to bring meat onto his helicopter i insisted it made me feel less small secure somehow | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3405/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life sizzling noises meat eaters understand | know meats slab bacon felt warmth hands beauty gaze remember moment happened hour ago young asked leave seminary repeatedly refused chip wifi walking downtown kansas city came across sirloin steak never seen something special took meat hands eyed solid three minutes set back manhole cover continued way chance meeting sure unforgettable one ive seen held raw meat well pork chop raw still deserving human touch provided comfort anyone would done win oneday twonights cruise stamford ct radio call sweepstakes think made bit nervous took succulent rack st louis ribs onboard first cruise didnt know expect lets say extremely happy two tickets maiden voyage im currently holding tenderloin hands sadly opened eyes gaze upon yet time come though see incredible heres another cut meat sensed touch stare one holding touching helicopter years back helicopter rival trying show much better life mine meat far cry fully functional helicopter even though asked bring meat onto helicopter insisted made feel less small secure somehow | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-05T01:09:26.411+02:00 | quiz do you have what it takes to be yodas livein caretaker | email
calling all geniuses
general mills is having an open casting call for toprank positions and theyre looking for the best and brightest minds they can get on the back of select cereal boxes is a brainbusting puzzle that if solved could net you a highranking job at the prestigious fortune company
think youve got what it takes take a look below at the puzzle currently in circulation and see if you can demonstrate the cryptographic savvy to put you on general mills radar
what initially appears to be a wall of random letters is actually a fiendishly complex cipher designed to weed out everyone except the most highly intelligent individuals according to general mills somewhere in that mess of characters are words written in plain english
successful code breakers are encouraged to post their results on social media and tag general mills so that recruiters can contact them with additional instructions what happens after that is unknown with internet anecdotes suggesting everything from applicants being hired on the spot to another battery of tests that narrow down the field of elite candidates even further
if you figure it out let us know | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3441/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | quiz takes yodas livein caretaker | email calling geniuses general mills open casting call toprank positions theyre looking best brightest minds get back select cereal boxes brainbusting puzzle solved could net highranking job prestigious fortune company think youve got takes take look puzzle currently circulation see demonstrate cryptographic savvy put general mills radar initially appears wall random letters actually fiendishly complex cipher designed weed everyone except highly intelligent individuals according general mills somewhere mess characters words written plain english successful code breakers encouraged post results social media tag general mills recruiters contact additional instructions happens unknown internet anecdotes suggesting everything applicants hired spot another battery tests narrow field elite candidates even figure let us know | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-05T01:09:27.282+02:00 | life pieces of meat i have seen held and in one case gone on vacation with | steps to rolling the perfect joint posted today looking to enjoy a little bit of relaxation youll probably want to practice the lost art of joint rolling with just easy steps anyone can roll the perfect joint but enjoy responsibly step fill the tub step get the weedthe dark fruit the bush that grows in the shadow of the valley of the shadow of weed the jesters hiccup the liquid daydream fresh from the icecube tray the wisdom tooth of the vegetables ogre israeli nightshade the arizona iced tea of drugs the dad baffler the sweet teen poison the sickly crop of the wind farm the flower the devil dares not pickout of your fridge set it aside step a filter keeps fire from squirming into your throat and laying its eggs in your brainstem build the filter by pouring a mixture of egg whites and ground hen bones into a filter mold and leave it at your parents house over a long weekend to set step get your rolling paper by stripping a few inches of skin off the paper wretch with a hot carrot peeler it may take a few tries to get a good swath step to break up the weed place it on an active fault line in a bowl full of gravel step once a major tectonic event has ground your weed pound it into a paste using a book about a curious incident step wrap your index finger in paper and feed the weed paste into your port a chilly sensation means your body has accepted the paste and will pass it on a prickling sensation means your body has rejected the paste and will hopefully pee it out someday step seal the joint by licking your paperedup finger like a naughty little thing youre filthy arent you step remove finger twist paper and voilà the perfect joint for any mouth step dunk the joint in the tub so you arent tempted to smoke it and become insane start over at step one
dont get discouraged if you dont get it right on the first try like all things in life practice makes perfect | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3386/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life pieces meat seen held one case gone vacation | steps rolling perfect joint posted today looking enjoy little bit relaxation youll probably want practice lost art joint rolling easy steps anyone roll perfect joint enjoy responsibly step fill tub step get weedthe dark fruit bush grows shadow valley shadow weed jesters hiccup liquid daydream fresh icecube tray wisdom tooth vegetables ogre israeli nightshade arizona iced tea drugs dad baffler sweet teen poison sickly crop wind farm flower devil dares pickout fridge set aside step filter keeps fire squirming throat laying eggs brainstem build filter pouring mixture egg whites ground hen bones filter mold leave parents house long weekend set step get rolling paper stripping inches skin paper wretch hot carrot peeler may take tries get good swath step break weed place active fault line bowl full gravel step major tectonic event ground weed pound paste using book curious incident step wrap index finger paper feed weed paste port chilly sensation means body accepted paste pass prickling sensation means body rejected paste hopefully pee someday step seal joint licking paperedup finger like naughty little thing youre filthy arent step remove finger twist paper voilà perfect joint mouth step dunk joint tub arent tempted smoke become insane start step one dont get discouraged dont get right first try like things life practice makes perfect | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-05T01:09:27.343+02:00 | life how do you stack up here is the recruitment puzzle general mills uses to hire new talent | email
over the past year a few highprofile court cases involving rape have spurred an intense national discussion on the topic whether it was brock turner a stanford swimmer who was sentenced to six months in a county jail for his rape of an unconscious woman or owen labrie a student at an elite prep school who raped a yearold classmate but was arraigned on lesser charges our justice system has tried to convict rapists with varying degrees of success as a father i look at these cases and i cant help but worry for my children in times like these we must take a stand and we must teach our sons that being brought to trial and then convicted of rape is simply utterly wrong
our children and more specifically our boys need to know that they should never under any circumstances be put in a situation where they could potentially lose a case accusing them of sexual assault my son knows that and every parent should make an effort to teach their boys the same
whether they made the vile unforgivable mistake of having a bad lawyer calling an unreliable witness or openly admitting to their crime to an undecided jury americas youth must understand that being convicted of rape should never ever happen going to court for sexual assault is one thing but being declared guilty is quite another and as responsible parents we need to do everything in our power to ensure that no child crosses that line no questions asked
bottom line we need to do a better job at showing our sons that there is no worse mistake a young man can make than being declared guilty of rape not now not ever
i dont care who you areif you have a son you need to teach him that being convicted of rape even just one time is unforgivable the truth is the moment your boy loses a rape trial is the moment that lives are ruined and theres absolutely no taking that back
as a father of a young man myself i would not be able to live with myself if he someday went to jail just because of something as easily preventable as a sexual assault conviction when i look into my yearold callums eyes the last thing i want to think about is my little guy becoming the type of man who cant somehow weasel his way out of a highprofile court case in front of all his friends family and the public at large
bottom line we need to do a better job at showing our sons that there is no worse mistake a young man can make than being declared guilty of rape not now not ever because if we want this generation of boys to grow into men that we truly take pride in we have to start teaching them that any young man who gets punished for rape brings shame not only to himself but also to his gender and this country as a whole
so please dont wait please talk to your son today about his responsibility to never be convicted of rape and to speak up if he ever sees someone else in danger of being convicted of rape our future depends on it | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3440/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life stack recruitment puzzle general mills uses hire new talent | email past year highprofile court cases involving rape spurred intense national discussion topic whether brock turner stanford swimmer sentenced six months county jail rape unconscious woman owen labrie student elite prep school raped yearold classmate arraigned lesser charges justice system tried convict rapists varying degrees success father look cases cant help worry children times like must take stand must teach sons brought trial convicted rape simply utterly wrong children specifically boys need know never circumstances put situation could potentially lose case accusing sexual assault son knows every parent make effort teach boys whether made vile unforgivable mistake bad lawyer calling unreliable witness openly admitting crime undecided jury americas youth must understand convicted rape never ever happen going court sexual assault one thing declared guilty quite another responsible parents need everything power ensure child crosses line questions asked bottom line need better job showing sons worse mistake young man make declared guilty rape ever dont care areif son need teach convicted rape even one time unforgivable truth moment boy loses rape trial moment lives ruined theres absolutely taking back father young man would able live someday went jail something easily preventable sexual assault conviction look yearold callums eyes last thing want think little guy becoming type man cant somehow weasel way highprofile court case front friends family public large bottom line need better job showing sons worse mistake young man make declared guilty rape ever want generation boys grow men truly take pride start teaching young man gets punished rape brings shame also gender country whole please dont wait please talk son today responsibility never convicted rape speak ever sees someone else danger convicted rape future depends | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-05T01:09:27.580+02:00 | life steps to rolling the perfect joint | email
the president has to be kicking himself over this one
as his term in office comes to a close it seems as if barack obama may have missed out on a pretty spectacular opportunity earlier today the president was told that he had been allowed to sleep in the white house this whole time after he spent nearly two full terms living in a hotel by reagan national airport
sorry mr president but its true you really blew your chance on this one
having booked an extended stay at the airport hilton upon his inauguration back in barack and his family have resided in an atriumview room with two double beds and complimentary wifi for the past eight years but earlier this week when a senior advisor asked the president why he had chosen to live by the airport instead of the white house you could tell that obama hadnt realized the choice was his to make until that very moment
yes obamas accomplished a lot over the years but hes got to be wondering how much more progress he might have made living at pennsylvania avenue he would have had a lot more time to work on signature policies like the affordable care act if he hadnt wasted so much of his mornings commuting from the airport to the oval office on the dc metro theres no doubt the countless hilton rewards points obama has accrued is a nice perk but that doesnt soften the blow of leaving the neoclassic mansion built exclusively to house the commander in chief and his family empty for two full terms
this is something obama is going to regret for a long time to come
nobody ever explicitly told me that i could live there until now said a clearly disappointed obama as he waited patiently for a set of fresh towels while sasha and malia love being on the same floor as the pool here i now wish we had stayed at the lavish squarefoot private residence in the white house for the past eight years one time in i slept underneath my desk after a late night and i was worried someone was going to find me there in the morning and yell at me now im being told we apparently have a personal chef and dozens of butlers this sucks
sorry barry but this ones kind of on you our advice to whoever the next president is dont miss your chance like he did | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3440/7/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life steps rolling perfect joint | email president kicking one term office comes close seems barack obama may missed pretty spectacular opportunity earlier today president told allowed sleep white house whole time spent nearly two full terms living hotel reagan national airport sorry mr president true really blew chance one booked extended stay airport hilton upon inauguration back barack family resided atriumview room two double beds complimentary wifi past eight years earlier week senior advisor asked president chosen live airport instead white house could tell obama hadnt realized choice make moment yes obamas accomplished lot years hes got wondering much progress might made living pennsylvania avenue would lot time work signature policies like affordable care act hadnt wasted much mornings commuting airport oval office dc metro theres doubt countless hilton rewards points obama accrued nice perk doesnt soften blow leaving neoclassic mansion built exclusively house commander chief family empty two full terms something obama going regret long time come nobody ever explicitly told could live said clearly disappointed obama waited patiently set fresh towels sasha malia love floor pool wish stayed lavish squarefoot private residence white house past eight years one time slept underneath desk late night worried someone going find morning yell im told apparently personal chef dozens butlers sucks sorry barry ones kind advice whoever next president dont miss chance like | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-05T01:09:27.704+02:00 | blog we need to teach our sons that being convicted of rape is wrong | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day the government likes to get a bunch of people in a room and decide whats best for us if i were running the show id have way less people and let them each have their own room reba mcentire on government people ask me if i would do another sister act movie all the time they ask me pleading with me to do the film they storm my dressing room on the view to throw the nun costume in my face i find dvds of sister act in my trunk in my mail sometimes in my drawers i want to give the people what they want but sometimes im not sure they really want what they think they want you know whoopi goldberg on the responsibility of fame we hold our hands together in prayer in the hopes that god will put a dollar billwhich we signed beforehandin between our palms so that when we open them we can be amazed and delighted so far it seems this privilege has only been granted to the pope pope francis | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3440/4/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | blog need teach sons convicted rape wrong | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day government likes get bunch people room decide whats best us running show id way less people let room reba mcentire government people ask would another sister act movie time ask pleading film storm dressing room view throw nun costume face find dvds sister act trunk mail sometimes drawers want give people want sometimes im sure really want think want know whoopi goldberg responsibility fame hold hands together prayer hopes god put dollar billwhich signed beforehandin palms open amazed delighted far seems privilege granted pope pope francis | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-04T22:47:00.000+02:00 | news missed opportunity president obama just found out that he was allowed to sleep in the white house after years of living in a hotel near the reagan airport | things that happen in every jane austen story ever posted today email jane we love ya but maybe mix it up a little
someone named bullfinch comes back from vacation if in the middle of a tense dinner party between members of rival agrarian families a man suddenly bursts through the wall wearing a hawaiian shirt and carrying luggage and someone in the back of the room shouts hot damn bullfinch is back from vacation then you can be sure that youre reading a jane austen novel
one chapter briefly digresses from the main storyline to describe a clever bonnetwearing mule literary scholars attribute austens obsession with bonnetwearing mules to the fact that whenever a publisher would pay austen for her work such an animal would immediately knock her down and eat all her money savvy readers know just to skip these chapters
yorkshire county lifts up and moves itself a few inches further into the north sea to try and crush skinnydippers some say that had austen written another two novels all the land of yorkshire wouldve finally flattened the naked swimmers itd always lusted to suffocate
characters spend the entirety of a picnic trying to remember the word picnic sister i do believe the proper nomenclature is dirt suppersister nonsense mother insists it is called a scoundrels mealsister now now let us not be uncomely i happen to know as a matter of fact that it is called a porknock every damn book
abraham lincoln always shows up at the main characters home and asks to use the toilet did they even have toilets back then whether its northanger abbey or mansfield park sense and sensibility or persuasion theres always that part where honest abe is standing at the front door holding his top hat over his crotch region and politely asking if he can make disgrace in the family commode
the local butcher tries to insert himself into any love triangle that will have him this austen staple was first seen in pride and prejudice where brigsby the butcher sheepishly presents fitzwilliam darcy elizabeth bennet and anne de bourgh with a sack full of raw ribeye and quietly begs them to break his heart too if youve read any other austen novel you know the scorned butcher is as essential to her writing as the setting of victorian england | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3440/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news missed opportunity president obama found allowed sleep white house years living hotel near reagan airport | things happen every jane austen story ever posted today email jane love ya maybe mix little someone named bullfinch comes back vacation middle tense dinner party members rival agrarian families man suddenly bursts wall wearing hawaiian shirt carrying luggage someone back room shouts hot damn bullfinch back vacation sure youre reading jane austen novel one chapter briefly digresses main storyline describe clever bonnetwearing mule literary scholars attribute austens obsession bonnetwearing mules fact whenever publisher would pay austen work animal would immediately knock eat money savvy readers know skip chapters yorkshire county lifts moves inches north sea try crush skinnydippers say austen written another two novels land yorkshire wouldve finally flattened naked swimmers itd always lusted suffocate characters spend entirety picnic trying remember word picnic sister believe proper nomenclature dirt suppersister nonsense mother insists called scoundrels mealsister let us uncomely happen know matter fact called porknock every damn book abraham lincoln always shows main characters home asks use toilet even toilets back whether northanger abbey mansfield park sense sensibility persuasion theres always part honest abe standing front door holding top hat crotch region politely asking make disgrace family commode local butcher tries insert love triangle austen staple first seen pride prejudice brigsby butcher sheepishly presents fitzwilliam darcy elizabeth bennet anne de bourgh sack full raw ribeye quietly begs break heart youve read austen novel know scorned butcher essential writing setting victorian england | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-04T12:00:00.000+02:00 | they said what find out what reba mcentire whoopi goldberg and pope francis have to say | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day a lot of people dont know this but the bed isnt the reason chocolate melts when youre in bed its actually your hands holding the chocolate squeezing it close to your chest while you read under the covers some part of the equation had to give eventually i decided that i get the floor the chocolate gets the bed and i get my chocolate the perfect calculation neil degrasse tyson life is so fragile all it takes is one stray javelin and its over miranda lambert on the need for javelin reform checkers is a lot more fun if you pour a little water into each checker and get to sip it out as a little reward whenever you capture one hoda kotb | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3439/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find reba mcentire whoopi goldberg pope francis say | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day lot people dont know bed isnt reason chocolate melts youre bed actually hands holding chocolate squeezing close chest read covers part equation give eventually decided get floor chocolate gets bed get chocolate perfect calculation neil degrasse tyson life fragile takes one stray javelin miranda lambert need javelin reform checkers lot fun pour little water checker get sip little reward whenever capture one hoda kotb | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-07T19:15:12.624+02:00 | life things that happen in every jane austen story ever | email
well this isnt good
most people think of costco as the place that sells bulk quantities of pretty much everything but the warehouse superstore is now making headlines for a very different reason and it could serve to tarnish their brand the blue angels accidentally flew into the costco in augusta ga and are currently stuck flying around inside the discount retailer
worst of all it doesnt seem like costco has any idea how to get the airplane stunt squadron to leave
the blue angels were performing at a routine air show in augusta ga earlier today when they veered too close to the costco and zipped through the automatic doors as they slid open for a customer before costco employees could react the diamond formation of five fa hornets had entered the store and began performing deathdefying aerial feats right over the shelves of bulk cereals and jumbosize ketchups
customers are trying to ignore the roaring jets overhead but its hard to concentrate on your shopping list when sonic booms keep knocking over pallets of kirklandbrand dog food its usually a welcome treat to see the blue angels conduct synchronized barrel rolls but inside costco the elite pilots are proving to be a serious nuisance
so far all attempts to evict the blue angels have proved unsuccessful at first costco staff just propped the front door open with a bucket assuming the blue angels would find their way back out eventually after an hour when choreographed smoke trails continued to plague the store the manager grabbed a lacrosse stick from a sporting goods display and tried to shoo the planes toward the exit unfortunately that only caused the blue angels to accelerate to mph and perform several looptheloops in the freezer aisle where the pilots hit a truly exhilarating gs
your heart just has to break for this poor manager
with the store set to close in only a few hours costco better think up a solution fast or blue angels will be locked in overnight if that happens then tomorrows customers will be aggravated by more of the same worldclass aeronautic showmanship what an absolute hassle | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3442/8/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life things happen every jane austen story ever | email well isnt good people think costco place sells bulk quantities pretty much everything warehouse superstore making headlines different reason could serve tarnish brand blue angels accidentally flew costco augusta ga currently stuck flying around inside discount retailer worst doesnt seem like costco idea get airplane stunt squadron leave blue angels performing routine air show augusta ga earlier today veered close costco zipped automatic doors slid open customer costco employees could react diamond formation five fa hornets entered store began performing deathdefying aerial feats right shelves bulk cereals jumbosize ketchups customers trying ignore roaring jets overhead hard concentrate shopping list sonic booms keep knocking pallets kirklandbrand dog food usually welcome treat see blue angels conduct synchronized barrel rolls inside costco elite pilots proving serious nuisance far attempts evict blue angels proved unsuccessful first costco staff propped front door open bucket assuming blue angels would find way back eventually hour choreographed smoke trails continued plague store manager grabbed lacrosse stick sporting goods display tried shoo planes toward exit unfortunately caused blue angels accelerate mph perform several looptheloops freezer aisle pilots hit truly exhilarating gs heart break poor manager store set close hours costco better think solution fast blue angels locked overnight happens tomorrows customers aggravated worldclass aeronautic showmanship absolute hassle | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-07T19:15:13.624+02:00 | they said what find out what neil degrasse tyson miranda lambert and hoda kotb have to say | email
grab a box of tissues because this story is about to make you feel some bigtime feels
two years ago john fitzpatrick got the most devastating phone call of his life when he learned that his brother robert had died of a heart attack in his sleep john instantly thought of roberts yearold daughter sophie who was just starting to forge her path in life thats when this amazing uncle decided to step up in a seriously inspiring way with robert no longer there for her john took it upon himself to discourage his nieces art career
okay is someone cutting onions in here because were getting just a little bit teary
ever since his brothers passing john has made it a point to call his niece every single sunday evening to remind sophie just how much her father loved her how proud hed be if he could see her now and how unstable a career in the arts can be compared to more traditional ninetofive employment sophies true passion in life has always been drawing and painting but thanks to her selfless uncles constant reminders that almost nobody actually ends up working their dream job shes now just two years away from getting her ba in marketing
i want sophie to know that she can always depend on me john explained gazing tearfully at an old photograph of robert holding his baby girl but she cannot depend on freelance income especially in a field as oversaturated and undervalued as the arts shes way too smart for that
john has never faltered in his commitment to making sure his niece understands just how unrealistic it is to earn a living as an artist last summer when sophie landed an internship at a brooklyn art gallery john spent countless hours reminding her that new york is expensive dangerous and very far away from ohio before ultimately finding her a job doing administrative work for his friend instead and when sophie briefly considered getting a double major in studio art her uncle pulled out all the stops even going so far as to gain control of her late fathers finances so that he could temporarily withhold the semesters tuition check until she changed her mind
incredible is there an uncle of the year award because this guy definitely just won it
while nobody can ever take the place of sophies father it is seriously heartwarming to see john step up to the plate like this sophie is so lucky to have an uncle she can always turn to for love guidance and stacks of brochures for mba programs handed to her at every family holiday heres to you john | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3442/4/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find neil degrasse tyson miranda lambert hoda kotb say | email grab box tissues story make feel bigtime feels two years ago john fitzpatrick got devastating phone call life learned brother robert died heart attack sleep john instantly thought roberts yearold daughter sophie starting forge path life thats amazing uncle decided step seriously inspiring way robert longer john took upon discourage nieces art career okay someone cutting onions getting little bit teary ever since brothers passing john made point call niece every single sunday evening remind sophie much father loved proud hed could see unstable career arts compared traditional ninetofive employment sophies true passion life always drawing painting thanks selfless uncles constant reminders almost nobody actually ends working dream job shes two years away getting ba marketing want sophie know always depend john explained gazing tearfully old photograph robert holding baby girl cannot depend freelance income especially field oversaturated undervalued arts shes way smart john never faltered commitment making sure niece understands unrealistic earn living artist last summer sophie landed internship brooklyn art gallery john spent countless hours reminding new york expensive dangerous far away ohio ultimately finding job administrative work friend instead sophie briefly considered getting double major studio art uncle pulled stops even going far gain control late fathers finances could temporarily withhold semesters tuition check changed mind incredible uncle year award guy definitely nobody ever take place sophies father seriously heartwarming see john step plate like sophie lucky uncle always turn love guidance stacks brochures mba programs handed every family holiday heres john | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-07T20:11:37.142+02:00 | news major headache the blue angels got trapped inside a costco and no one knows how to get them back outside | now its mustards time to shine posted today its finally here a single spotlight on the stage the crowd falls quiet its mustards moment life hacks for better office efficiency not here not today at long last mustard the tang with the texture has the floor big yellow is off the bench and making everyone proud roll out the red carpet the yellow prince of spice is here no no no this has no business being here no right mustard has earned its place today this man has the right idea if theres any bright side to mustard being sidelined for so long its that its absence has made this return all the sweeter the penultimate mustard the time to close the curtains on our celebration now draws near it was a long time coming we will not soon forget this | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3444/1/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news major headache blue angels got trapped inside costco one knows get back outside | mustards time shine posted today finally single spotlight stage crowd falls quiet mustards moment life hacks better office efficiency today long last mustard tang texture floor big yellow bench making everyone proud roll red carpet yellow prince spice business right mustard earned place today man right idea theres bright side mustard sidelined long absence made return sweeter penultimate mustard time close curtains celebration draws near long time coming soon forget | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-07T21:09:51.368+02:00 | life stepping up when this mans brother died he took it upon himself to discourage his nieces art career | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day if im going to your birthday party you sure as hell better have some cake free booze and at least some piece of evidence indicating that youve had a birthday within six months paul krugman on rigor when i was my father told me i had a choice to make he outstretched his arms in one hand he held a microphone representing a career in music and in the other a single sock which i assume represented a career in something sockrelated anyway i chose the microphone and ive regretted it ever since aretha franklin on her career all i need is my guitar my friends my health my vast collection of rare stamps and a pistol to ward off stamp bandits willie nelson | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3445/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life stepping mans brother died took upon discourage nieces art career | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day im going birthday party sure hell better cake free booze least piece evidence indicating youve birthday within six months paul krugman rigor father told choice make outstretched arms one hand held microphone representing career music single sock assume represented career something sockrelated anyway chose microphone ive regretted ever since aretha franklin career need guitar friends health vast collection rare stamps pistol ward stamp bandits willie nelson | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-07T21:09:53.035+02:00 | life now its mustards time to shine | email
in an election season full of anger and divisiveness its easy to lose sight of just how important and meaningful our democratic process is thankfully as millions have cast their ballots today theres been no shortage of heartwarming stories involving americans exercising their right to vote one of those stories centers around lifelong mississippi resident helen karnes who although not quite old enough to have been born before women won the right to vote is still pretty goddam old
wow what a special woman
while karnes cant claim that she was alive during a time when women were still politically disenfranchised it just takes one look at her to tell that shes fucking old no she might not have the inspiring thematically satisfying story of a yearold but you get the sense that shes definitely lived through some shit she was certainly around in wwii times and she mightve even been there for the depression too who knows this is no spring chicken were talking about here
though admittedly karnes story would be a bit cooler if shed been alive before you still have to applaud her for being old on this historic election day also her mom and her aunts were definitely alive before womens suffrage so you know shes probably got some good secondhand stories that she heard from them maybe one of them was even an important figure in the womens rights movement or something statistically speaking thats probably not the case but you never know
its unclear if karnes voted today for americas first female presidential nominee or if she even voted at all but what matters is that shes brittle stoopedover and ancient there are probably lots of dusty ol bats out there who are older than karnes and who have more of a substantial foothold in us womens history but this lady is still more or less a living skeleton and thats something that should make us all proud to be americans | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3445/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life mustards time shine | email election season full anger divisiveness easy lose sight important meaningful democratic process thankfully millions cast ballots today theres shortage heartwarming stories involving americans exercising right vote one stories centers around lifelong mississippi resident helen karnes although quite old enough born women right vote still pretty goddam old wow special woman karnes cant claim alive time women still politically disenfranchised takes one look tell shes fucking old might inspiring thematically satisfying story yearold get sense shes definitely lived shit certainly around wwii times mightve even depression knows spring chicken talking though admittedly karnes story would bit cooler shed alive still applaud old historic election day also mom aunts definitely alive womens suffrage know shes probably got good secondhand stories heard maybe one even important figure womens rights movement something statistically speaking thats probably case never know unclear karnes voted today americas first female presidential nominee even voted matters shes brittle stoopedover ancient probably lots dusty ol bats older karnes substantial foothold us womens history lady still less living skeleton thats something make us proud americans | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-08T13:00:00.000+02:00 | they said what find out what paul krugman aretha franklin and willie nelson have to say | email
in case this election wasnt already infuriating enough heres something thats really going to make your blood boil with hours to go before polls close voter watchdog groups across the country are reporting that many laser tag establishments are staying open today
this is seriously alarming news
in what appears to be a concerted effort to prevent americans from casting their ballots on time dozens of laser tag locations are keeping normal business hours on election day inviting one and all to enjoy nonstop laser tag action with all the coolest terrain and equipment
if true this could represent voter suppression on an unprecedented scarcely conceivable scale its appalling to see laser tag placessome of them located within blocks of polling stations in swing statesdeploying everything from signs to roadside billboards to social media posts in an attempt to stop americans from exercising their civic duty just take a look at this truly disgusting tweet
george washington is rolling over in his grave right now
according to leanne holst spokesman for the watchdog group voter vigilance laser tag may only be the tip of the iceberg
some of these laser tag facilities are continuing to operate roller rinks hole mini golf courses and gokart tracks in a shameless ploy to lure voters as far as possible from the booths said holst its an utterly transparent tactic and the saddest thing is just how effective it can be laser tag arenas represent a grave immediate threat to the democratic process
below via voter vigilance is a partial ongoing list of laser tag places that have not closed for election day and several with the sheer audacity to offer offpeak daytime discounts lightspeed gokarts laser tag greenfield wi code red laser tag dallasfort worth tx laser tag kingdom monroe nh qzar carle place ny laser quest numerous locations nationwide zap zone sterling heights mi battle blast laser tag las vegas nv lazer kraze laser tag erlanger ky
if you know of a laser tag place in your district that remains open today do not be silent post their names and pictures in the comments so that we can put a stop to this assault on democracy before any further damage is done | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3445/7/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find paul krugman aretha franklin willie nelson say | email case election wasnt already infuriating enough heres something thats really going make blood boil hours go polls close voter watchdog groups across country reporting many laser tag establishments staying open today seriously alarming news appears concerted effort prevent americans casting ballots time dozens laser tag locations keeping normal business hours election day inviting one enjoy nonstop laser tag action coolest terrain equipment true could represent voter suppression unprecedented scarcely conceivable scale appalling see laser tag placessome located within blocks polling stations swing statesdeploying everything signs roadside billboards social media posts attempt stop americans exercising civic duty take look truly disgusting tweet george washington rolling grave right according leanne holst spokesman watchdog group voter vigilance laser tag may tip iceberg laser tag facilities continuing operate roller rinks hole mini golf courses gokart tracks shameless ploy lure voters far possible booths said holst utterly transparent tactic saddest thing effective laser tag arenas represent grave immediate threat democratic process via voter vigilance partial ongoing list laser tag places closed election day several sheer audacity offer offpeak daytime discounts lightspeed gokarts laser tag greenfield wi code red laser tag dallasfort worth tx laser tag kingdom monroe nh qzar carle place ny laser quest numerous locations nationwide zap zone sterling heights mi battle blast laser tag las vegas nv lazer kraze laser tag erlanger ky know laser tag place district remains open today silent post names pictures comments put stop assault democracy damage done | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T00:24:44.082+02:00 | news inspiring this woman wasnt born before women could vote but shes still pretty fucking old | email
despite the fact that voting is the cornerstone of our democracy only percent of eligible voters turn out in a presidential election but this year we may see that number spike because groups of incredible volunteers are doing everything they can to get out the vote theyre hitting the road and oiling up the sidewalks to help voters slide uncontrollably to their polling places
democracy ftw
you might not know their names but these hardworking men and women are out there in the trenches from maine to california slathering thick black oil on the ground so every american can skid down the road windmilling their arms wildly to try and stay upright and careen straight through the doors of a voting booth republican or democrat these patriotic volunteers want every american to have access to a frictionless slick of oil that leads right to a polling place
yes these incredible volunteers are absolutely killing it
rather than letting our election be decided by a select few people from across the nation are volunteering their time to make sidewalks welllubricated and slippery for as many voters as possible as of this morning footpaths have been oiled in all states giving people who would not otherwise have the time or desire to vote the opportunity to lose their balance and slide forward at alarming speeds with their arms flailing and legs kicking until they crash facefirst into a registered polling location
we might live in a democracy but we wouldnt have a truly representative election without the help of a select few everyday heroes so when the polling stations close and every last slippery oilcovered voter has put their ballot in the box and slid back out the door remember those brave volunteers because we couldnt do it without them | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3446/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news inspiring woman wasnt born women could vote shes still pretty fucking old | email despite fact voting cornerstone democracy percent eligible voters turn presidential election year may see number spike groups incredible volunteers everything get vote theyre hitting road oiling sidewalks help voters slide uncontrollably polling places democracy ftw might know names hardworking men women trenches maine california slathering thick black oil ground every american skid road windmilling arms wildly try stay upright careen straight doors voting booth republican democrat patriotic volunteers want every american access frictionless slick oil leads right polling place yes incredible volunteers absolutely killing rather letting election decided select people across nation volunteering time make sidewalks welllubricated slippery many voters possible morning footpaths oiled states giving people would otherwise time desire vote opportunity lose balance slide forward alarming speeds arms flailing legs kicking crash facefirst registered polling location might live democracy wouldnt truly representative election without help select everyday heroes polling stations close every last slippery oilcovered voter put ballot box slid back door remember brave volunteers couldnt without | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T00:24:44.138+02:00 | news possible voter suppression lots of laser tag places are still open today | email
if this doesnt prove whats beautiful about america we dont know what does
politically sarah goodwin and colleen cassidy agree on almost nothing they vehemently oppose the others candidate of choice and couldnt differ more on the direction our country should be heading in yet as this heatedly divisive election cycle comes to a head these two demonstrated just how powerful a united american people can be when we put our differences aside and work together sarah a trump supporter and colleen a clinton supporter held each others hair back while vomiting out of intense election anxiety
in a campaign season as contentious as this one you really have to stop and appreciate moments like this
though sarah and colleen come from opposite ends of the political spectrum you wouldnt know it when looking into the stall at their polling station in cranford nj where they both lowered their heads into the same trash can and took turns holding each others hair back as they retched over the psychological toll this long strenuous elections taken on them no arguing no fingerpointing no namecalling just dual streams of stressinduced upchuck crescendoing in a duet of dryheaving the sight of two people who have been bombarded for months with messages that the other candidate will completely ruin the country as they know it patting one another on the back and encouraging each other to get it all out is all too welcome in an otherwise toxic and polarizing campaign season
need more proof that its possible for trump and clinton supporters to overcome their shared animosity during this historical moment of anxiety colleen even offered sarah an altoid once theyd both stopped throwing up and cleaned the barf from their shirts further sarah graciously let colleen borrow her eyeliner which had been smudged due to the tears summoned by a panic attack she experienced while in line to vote after checking in to make sure the other was feeling all right one last time each went their separate ways having found rare common ground with their political opposites in the form of sickening anxiety stoked by the intense fear politics and extremist partisan rhetoric deployed in the election
yup the spirit of abraham lincoln is alive knitting a torn nation back together
look at the media and youll see interactions between trump and clinton supporters portrayed as vitriolic and irreconcilably at odds but in reality youll find two human beings offering each other their sleeves to wipe the sick from their mouths before they head back out there to get this goddamn fucking thing over with and thats worth celebrating | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3446/1/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news possible voter suppression lots laser tag places still open today | email doesnt prove whats beautiful america dont know politically sarah goodwin colleen cassidy agree almost nothing vehemently oppose others candidate choice couldnt differ direction country heading yet heatedly divisive election cycle comes head two demonstrated powerful united american people put differences aside work together sarah trump supporter colleen clinton supporter held others hair back vomiting intense election anxiety campaign season contentious one really stop appreciate moments like though sarah colleen come opposite ends political spectrum wouldnt know looking stall polling station cranford nj lowered heads trash took turns holding others hair back retched psychological toll long strenuous elections taken arguing fingerpointing namecalling dual streams stressinduced upchuck crescendoing duet dryheaving sight two people bombarded months messages candidate completely ruin country know patting one another back encouraging get welcome otherwise toxic polarizing campaign season need proof possible trump clinton supporters overcome shared animosity historical moment anxiety colleen even offered sarah altoid theyd stopped throwing cleaned barf shirts sarah graciously let colleen borrow eyeliner smudged due tears summoned panic attack experienced line vote checking make sure feeling right one last time went separate ways found rare common ground political opposites form sickening anxiety stoked intense fear politics extremist partisan rhetoric deployed election yup spirit abraham lincoln alive knitting torn nation back together look media youll see interactions trump clinton supporters portrayed vitriolic irreconcilably odds reality youll find two human beings offering sleeves wipe sick mouths head back get goddamn fucking thing thats worth celebrating | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T00:24:44.205+02:00 | news democracy win volunteers across the country are oiling up the sidewalks to help voters slide uncontrollably to their polling place | how much of a political junkie are you posted today sure you might think youre hot stuff by being able to name one of the presidential candidates but can you attain true politicaljunkie status find out below check off every behavior that describes you in between elections i just stay in the voting booth i put a penny in a jar every time i think about congress as electoral college results come in i like to bruise or burn the states in the map of america tattooed on my chest i know all nine issues including environment big fiscals fighting the lantern question and shipping glue overseas i spent my college summer vacations camped out on the washington mall just in case i could hear any laws being yelled about i love looking at election maps and imagining what theyd look like back in the pangea days i am always looking high and low for politics i describe google as the website that takes you to polticocom i am fifth in the line of presidential succession my idea of a fun friday night is filling a bathtub with warm maple syrup and feathers to give myself a big mess to clean up while i think about politics i can name any senator from the past three decades and i can tell you whether or not they have an outie belly button wolf blitzer is near me i have an unopened case of paul ryans old energy drink konkrete kik i wouldnt tell americas enemies how many electoral votes maryland has even if i were being tortured every four years for three months people avoid me like the plague get results results for how much of a political junkie are you you are an outofcontrol borderline psychotic political junkie youre clearly so obsessed with politics that when you see the cnn breaking news bumper your whole body convulses in dry silent nearorgasm sorry this election is about to be over because you need this bullshit to live share your results | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3446/0/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news democracy win volunteers across country oiling sidewalks help voters slide uncontrollably polling place | much political junkie posted today sure might think youre hot stuff able name one presidential candidates attain true politicaljunkie status find check every behavior describes elections stay voting booth put penny jar every time think congress electoral college results come like bruise burn states map america tattooed chest know nine issues including environment big fiscals fighting lantern question shipping glue overseas spent college summer vacations camped washington mall case could hear laws yelled love looking election maps imagining theyd look like back pangea days always looking high low politics describe google website takes polticocom fifth line presidential succession idea fun friday night filling bathtub warm maple syrup feathers give big mess clean think politics name senator past three decades tell whether outie belly button wolf blitzer near unopened case paul ryans old energy drink konkrete kik wouldnt tell americas enemies many electoral votes maryland even tortured every four years three months people avoid like plague get results results much political junkie outofcontrol borderline psychotic political junkie youre clearly obsessed politics see cnn breaking news bumper whole body convulses dry silent nearorgasm sorry election need bullshit live share results | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T00:24:44.324+02:00 | life the power of unity this trump supporter and clinton supporter held each others hair while vomiting out of election anxiety | email
well if this doesnt inspire you to do your civic duty nothing will
when california resident candice payne woke up this morning she wasnt totally sure she was up to going through the hassle of voting she figured the lines would be long the wait would be awful and the stress probably wouldnt be worth it but just when this yearold woman was feeling too lazy to vote something absolutely amazing happenedher ovaries burst out of her body and dragged her to the polling place
amazing now that is how you rally on election day
like so many americans candice spent her morning lying in her bed kicking herself for not having voted early but as soon as it seemed like shed go back to sleep her fallopian tubes shot out of her abdomen curled themselves around the side of her bed and threw her to the floor after dragging her body to her living room her helpful ovaries crawled up to the doorknob and jostled the front door open what started out as a lazy morning ended with her ovaries anchoring themselves to the floor and pulling the rest of her body to a polling place at nearby jefferson public school where she dutifully filled out her ballot for president of the united states
if thats not getting out the vote we dont know what is its definitely easy to come up with a million excuses to avoid the polls but once candices ovaries had shot out of her body they werent going to retract back inside until she had done her civic duty
while it might have been a bit of an inconvenience to spend the morning voting no matter how much she tried to resist candices ovaries kept pulling and clawing at the floor dragging her flailing body farther and farther until she arrived at a voting booth to cast her vote sure she would rather have been sleeping or at work but three miles and several forceful tugs later she was inside a voting booth and back on her feet casting her ballot and exercising her fundamental american right
awesome if youre thinking of just staying inside going to work and skipping the polls altogether its not too late to change your mind candice felt just like you once but after being violently dragged by her ovaries to a polling station shes never felt better | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3445/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life power unity trump supporter clinton supporter held others hair vomiting election anxiety | email well doesnt inspire civic duty nothing california resident candice payne woke morning wasnt totally sure going hassle voting figured lines would long wait would awful stress probably wouldnt worth yearold woman feeling lazy vote something absolutely amazing happenedher ovaries burst body dragged polling place amazing rally election day like many americans candice spent morning lying bed kicking voted early soon seemed like shed go back sleep fallopian tubes shot abdomen curled around side bed threw floor dragging body living room helpful ovaries crawled doorknob jostled front door open started lazy morning ended ovaries anchoring floor pulling rest body polling place nearby jefferson public school dutifully filled ballot president united states thats getting vote dont know definitely easy come million excuses avoid polls candices ovaries shot body werent going retract back inside done civic duty might bit inconvenience spend morning voting matter much tried resist candices ovaries kept pulling clawing floor dragging flailing body farther farther arrived voting booth cast vote sure would rather sleeping work three miles several forceful tugs later inside voting booth back feet casting ballot exercising fundamental american right awesome youre thinking staying inside going work skipping polls altogether late change mind candice felt like violently dragged ovaries polling station shes never felt better | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T00:54:55.953+02:00 | quiz how much of a political junkie are you | email
with millions of eyes watching cnn for election results tonight the network really couldnt afford any highprofile screwups but unfortunately thats exactly what they got when john king tapped his touchscreen electoral map too hard and plunged himself straight into a digital hellscape from which there seems to be no escape
ouch thats some major egg on cnns face
the night appeared to be going smoothly in the networks washington studio until king tried to zoom in on a breakdown map of crucial ohio swing districts when the map seemed to freeze up a frustrated king tapped the magic wall with enough force that his whole arm plunged through the suddenly fluid surface of the screen before wolf blitzer or anderson cooper could step in he had been fully engulfed in a vast virtual expanse of colorful swirling data
with millions of americans tuning in to watch the results of this historic election cnn has been forced to press on even as they try to free john king from the computerized map a noticeably emotional wolf blitzer mouthed the words im sorry to his imprisoned colleague before tapping the board to call up a gender breakdown of likely oregon voters the bar graph of which animated right into john kings spine launching nearly all the way to the midatlantic states if cnn producers thought that they had stabilized the situation by urging king to take refuge in the bottom corner of the screen it did not take long for them to realize how wrong they were when connecticut was called for hillary clinton the trapped john king was also turned entirely blue and let loose a horrible scream as if he were being burned alive this level of panic was matched moments later when king tried to fend off a ravenous piece of malware with just his loafer only for the shoe to shatter into pixels that the code devoured
yikes cnn will be wondering for a while how this all went so wrong and on their biggest night too
with plenty of states left to declare tonight theres still time for king to be rescued from the computerized nightmare but with uploading a jpeg of a ladder for him to climb up and trying to shepherd him onto a thumb drive having already failed to return king to the studio cnn may be running out of options
no matter how this shakes out its clear cnn has a major technology fail on their hands then again this is just what happens when anchors play with tech toys without reading the instructions well better luck in guys | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3446/4/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | quiz much political junkie | email millions eyes watching cnn election results tonight network really couldnt afford highprofile screwups unfortunately thats exactly got john king tapped touchscreen electoral map hard plunged straight digital hellscape seems escape ouch thats major egg cnns face night appeared going smoothly networks washington studio king tried zoom breakdown map crucial ohio swing districts map seemed freeze frustrated king tapped magic wall enough force whole arm plunged suddenly fluid surface screen wolf blitzer anderson cooper could step fully engulfed vast virtual expanse colorful swirling data millions americans tuning watch results historic election cnn forced press even try free john king computerized map noticeably emotional wolf blitzer mouthed words im sorry imprisoned colleague tapping board call gender breakdown likely oregon voters bar graph animated right john kings spine launching nearly way midatlantic states cnn producers thought stabilized situation urging king take refuge bottom corner screen take long realize wrong connecticut called hillary clinton trapped john king also turned entirely blue let loose horrible scream burned alive level panic matched moments later king tried fend ravenous piece malware loafer shoe shatter pixels code devoured yikes cnn wondering went wrong biggest night plenty states left declare tonight theres still time king rescued computerized nightmare uploading jpeg ladder climb trying shepherd onto thumb drive already failed return king studio cnn may running options matter shakes clear cnn major technology fail hands happens anchors play tech toys without reading instructions well better luck guys | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T01:21:03.736+02:00 | news inspiring when this woman was feeling too lazy to vote her ovaries burst out of her body and dragged her to the polling place | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day for me god isnt some big man sitting on a cloud hes mediumsized hanging onto that cloud for dear life denzel washington on faith the people who are around you when you get your advance those arent your real friends its when youre out on the atlantic trying to catch the big kahuna the mola mola the sunfish and youre out there all day but you realize fame doesnt bring you everything and it sure wont bring a damn sunfish to the starboard bow and so you cry so much your boat fills with tears and sinks and you yell for help until an endurance swimmer swimming to new york finds you and drags you ashore thats your real friend meek mill music is the paper towel we use to soak up the spilled water of silence kesha | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3446/8/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news inspiring woman feeling lazy vote ovaries burst body dragged polling place | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day god isnt big man sitting cloud hes mediumsized hanging onto cloud dear life denzel washington faith people around get advance arent real friends youre atlantic trying catch big kahuna mola mola sunfish youre day realize fame doesnt bring everything sure wont bring damn sunfish starboard bow cry much boat fills tears sinks yell help endurance swimmer swimming new york finds drags ashore thats real friend meek mill music paper towel use soak spilled water silence kesha | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T05:25:28.401+02:00 | news election night disaster john king tapped his electoral college map too hard and fell headfirst into a digital hellscape | email
well donald trump certainly has cause for celebration today
despite having a multibilliondollar net worth an international real estate company and a primetime television show donald trumps ambitions were still set higher the one trophy hed spent his entire life trying to claim for his mantle of accomplishments had always evaded himuntil today by winning the presidential election donald trump is finally able to kick the nations most powerful black family out of their house
one can only imagine the immense joy donalds wife and children feel for him today
trump has been preparing for this moment ever since the trump organization first started buying buildings throughout new york city and raising rent for africanamericans until he could toss them out for no longer being able to afford it now after decades of practice and determination the presidentelect will see his magnum opus arrive in the form of booting the incredibly influential and powerful obama family out of the home theyve lived in for the past eight years
ejecting black people from their residences has been a lifelong passion for donald from practicing discriminatory housing policies that prevented black people from moving into trump buildings to tagging black peoples rental applications with a separate sheet of paper marked c for colored donald has never lost focus on his goal but that was all just warmup for trump who clearly wanted to challenge himself by attempting to evict a wealthy black family of international renown and when he sends president obama michelle malia sasha and all their boxedup belongings packing from their house in january trump will have done just that
what a truly stunning feat with the biggest item on his bucket list now firmly checked off trump would be more than justified in resting on his laurels to soak in the consummation of all his dreams its hard to imagine an even more powerful and famous black family donald could evict but knowing trump he will continue to push himself whatever his plans are now the world will be watching in anxious anticipation | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3446/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news election night disaster john king tapped electoral college map hard fell headfirst digital hellscape | email well donald trump certainly cause celebration today despite multibilliondollar net worth international real estate company primetime television show donald trumps ambitions still set higher one trophy hed spent entire life trying claim mantle accomplishments always evaded himuntil today winning presidential election donald trump finally able kick nations powerful black family house one imagine immense joy donalds wife children feel today trump preparing moment ever since trump organization first started buying buildings throughout new york city raising rent africanamericans could toss longer able afford decades practice determination presidentelect see magnum opus arrive form booting incredibly influential powerful obama family home theyve lived past eight years ejecting black people residences lifelong passion donald practicing discriminatory housing policies prevented black people moving trump buildings tagging black peoples rental applications separate sheet paper marked c colored donald never lost focus goal warmup trump clearly wanted challenge attempting evict wealthy black family international renown sends president obama michelle malia sasha boxedup belongings packing house january trump done truly stunning feat biggest item bucket list firmly checked trump would justified resting laurels soak consummation dreams hard imagine even powerful famous black family donald could evict knowing trump continue push whatever plans world watching anxious anticipation | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T13:00:00.000+02:00 | they said what find out what denzel washington meek mill and kesha have to say | thirtytwoyearold samantha collins she may not look like your typical hero but her incredible story is one you absolutely need to read right now against all odds this courageous young woman woke up and went to work today
amazing we should all strive to be as fearless as samantha
when her alarm sounded this morning at am samantha dug deep and did something unbelievable summoning all the willpower she had she somehow found the strength inside herself to pull back her sheets and put two feet on the floor as if this were any other day
samantha then headed straight into the shower where she miraculously managed to shampoo her hair turn off the water and even get dressed for work before resolutely grabbing a granola bar as she headed out the door
her remarkable heroism didnt stop there defying all her basic instincts samantha was soon sitting on a bus while it drove in the direction of her office faced with a situation where other women might have given up samantha bravely stood up pressed the button to request her stop and even had the conviction to get off the bus when it came to a halt
this womans courage and determination should be an inspiration to us all
as if this story werent already inspiring enough samantha then went to all three of her morning meetings battling through intermittent waves of nausea and behaving as if nothing at all had changed since last night
incredible the world could use a few more heroes like samantha who refuse to let anything stop them from going through the motions returning home and getting ready to do it all again every day for at least the next four years keep fighting the good fight samantha | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3447/0/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find denzel washington meek mill kesha say | thirtytwoyearold samantha collins may look like typical hero incredible story one absolutely need read right odds courageous young woman woke went work today amazing strive fearless samantha alarm sounded morning samantha dug deep something unbelievable summoning willpower somehow found strength inside pull back sheets put two feet floor day samantha headed straight shower miraculously managed shampoo hair turn water even get dressed work resolutely grabbing granola bar headed door remarkable heroism didnt stop defying basic instincts samantha soon sitting bus drove direction office faced situation women might given samantha bravely stood pressed button request stop even conviction get bus came halt womans courage determination inspiration us story werent already inspiring enough samantha went three morning meetings battling intermittent waves nausea behaving nothing changed since last night incredible world could use heroes like samantha refuse let anything stop going motions returning home getting ready every day least next four years keep fighting good fight samantha | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T17:42:19.976+02:00 | news crowning achievement donald trump has just accomplished his lifelong goal of kicking the nations most powerful black family out of their house | email
if this story doesnt put a smile on your face literally nothing will
kimberly kovax an yearold girl from allentown pa has been interested in politics and government from a very young age and she followed the historic campaign of hillary clinton closely but when hillary lost on tuesday that meant something incredible for kimberly she still gets to dream of being the first female president
wow this must be a truly special moment for kimberly
the moment hillary clinton made her concession speech wednesday morning kimberlys opportunity to become the first woman elected to the oval office opened right back up though it may not be for maybe even years this key milestone in feminism is all kimberlys to aspire toward
some may say that another woman will be elected the first female president in the three decades before kimberlys even eligible to run but if the election is any indication it looks like she is still very much in the running to break the gender barrier in the oval office who knows kimberly could even be the first female president to relegalize abortion if roe v wade is overturned at some point in the next four years
it must feel truly incredible for girls in america to see that this huge accomplishment is still on the table theirs for the eventual taking the fact that americas ugliest most intolerant tendencies prevailed over clinton means millions of girls can still envisage themselves as the one to make that landmark feminist achievement and it doesnt get more powerful than that
yup were uplifted as hell right nowyou go kimberly when the time comes you can certainly count on our vote | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3447/4/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news crowning achievement donald trump accomplished lifelong goal kicking nations powerful black family house | email story doesnt put smile face literally nothing kimberly kovax yearold girl allentown pa interested politics government young age followed historic campaign hillary clinton closely hillary lost tuesday meant something incredible kimberly still gets dream first female president wow must truly special moment kimberly moment hillary clinton made concession speech wednesday morning kimberlys opportunity become first woman elected oval office opened right back though may maybe even years key milestone feminism kimberlys aspire toward may say another woman elected first female president three decades kimberlys even eligible run election indication looks like still much running break gender barrier oval office knows kimberly could even first female president relegalize abortion roe v wade overturned point next four years must feel truly incredible girls america see huge accomplishment still table eventual taking fact americas ugliest intolerant tendencies prevailed clinton means millions girls still envisage one make landmark feminist achievement doesnt get powerful yup uplifted hell right nowyou go kimberly time comes certainly count vote | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-09T18:26:28.956+02:00 | life everyday hero this woman woke up and went to work today | this will change the way you watch apocalypse now posted today get clickhole delivered straight to your spam folder follow us get clickhole delivered straight to your spam folder follow us click counter clickhole uses invented names in all of its stories except in cases where public figures are being satirized any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental clickhole is not intended for readers under years of age copyright onion inc all rights reserved | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3447/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life everyday hero woman woke went work today | change way watch apocalypse posted today get clickhole delivered straight spam folder follow us get clickhole delivered straight spam folder follow us click counter clickhole uses invented names stories except cases public figures satirized use real names accidental coincidental clickhole intended readers years age copyright onion inc rights reserved | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-10T18:58:22.259+02:00 | life inspiring this young girl still gets to dream of being the first female president | email
well here we are gang
this morning america woke up and found wed elected as president an overgrown bully a huckster without a drop of decency in his pizzadough body how the heck did we get here ill bet you wondered what the heck happened well theres a lot we dont know yet about this election but ill tell you this maybe you shouldnt have made fun of my exclamation point
yeah remember the exclamation point the big n red mark plopped next to my serifedup name like a trout on the counter we put that logo out and you people laughed oh how you laughed hey looks like ol wonder bread jebs trying to squeeze some enthusiasm out of his limp little campaign you think i didnt hear you you think i didnt see what you wrote of course i did the taunts the memes the novelty twitter handles typed with a sneer i saw all of it and it hurt me it hurt jeb
you turned me and my exclamation mark into a big dippy joke and look what it got you dread defeat humiliation feel that despair in your gut today and now imagine if you had jeb in your life right now splashed across every tv and touchscreen hey theres some punctuation thatd put pep in your step but nope the guy who sticks his neck out to make electoral politics just a keystroke more exciting gets ribbed roasted raked over the coals and hung out to dry
look i wasnt a perfect candidate i know that but that doesnt mean you had to steer this country straight into a xenophobic hellhole
that exclamation point was plain fun it stood out from the pack it even looked nice on a tshirt or a coozy you made a huge mistake the moment you collectively decided to rip my exclamation point to shreds
i was up all night coming up with it you know that was a john ellis bush original id already tried out a question mark too uncertain an ellipsis too ambiguous even two exclamation points too forceful so when i hit on the idea of an exclamation point i really thought i had something special i was so excited to share my excitement with you turns out i might as well have slapped my thick pink matte dick into my hand and waggled it all over facebook live like a dang date palm frond for all the love you gave me
look i wasnt a perfect candidate i know that but that doesnt mean you had to steer this country straight into a xenophobic hellhole all you had to do was be nice about that exclamation point for a few months but you couldnt leave it alone could you you just could not resist having a good old laugh well take a look around and tell me what you see a divided nation headed for the falls with a dipshit at the helm belting out one last drunken shanty before it all goes to chunks and splinters you bullies deserve it all
goodbye america i would have been delightful | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3458/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life inspiring young girl still gets dream first female president | email well gang morning america woke found wed elected president overgrown bully huckster without drop decency pizzadough body heck get ill bet wondered heck happened well theres lot dont know yet election ill tell maybe shouldnt made fun exclamation point yeah remember exclamation point big n red mark plopped next serifedup name like trout counter put logo people laughed oh laughed hey looks like ol wonder bread jebs trying squeeze enthusiasm limp little campaign think didnt hear think didnt see wrote course taunts memes novelty twitter handles typed sneer saw hurt hurt jeb turned exclamation mark big dippy joke look got dread defeat humiliation feel despair gut today imagine jeb life right splashed across every tv touchscreen hey theres punctuation thatd put pep step nope guy sticks neck make electoral politics keystroke exciting gets ribbed roasted raked coals hung dry look wasnt perfect candidate know doesnt mean steer country straight xenophobic hellhole exclamation point plain fun stood pack even looked nice tshirt coozy made huge mistake moment collectively decided rip exclamation point shreds night coming know john ellis bush original id already tried question mark uncertain ellipsis ambiguous even two exclamation points forceful hit idea exclamation point really thought something special excited share excitement turns might well slapped thick pink matte dick hand waggled facebook live like dang date palm frond love gave look wasnt perfect candidate know doesnt mean steer country straight xenophobic hellhole nice exclamation point months couldnt leave alone could could resist good old laugh well take look around tell see divided nation headed falls dipshit helm belting one last drunken shanty goes chunks splinters bullies deserve goodbye america would delightful | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-10T18:58:23.909+02:00 | video this will change the way you watch apocalypse now | email
its no secret that workplaces in our country are still deeply misogynistic environments but with her bid for the president of the united states hillary clinton worked tirelessly to not just be elected but to also break down barriers for women everywhere today marks a big win for gender equality because the glass ceiling has been shattered and it is finally acceptable for women to cry at work
thats right ladies its time to iron those pantsuits and put on those heels because the day has finally come when its totally fine to sob openly in your office and theres nothing men can do to stop you
for far too long women have been marginalized written off and told that there are certain things they can never achieve but today that all ends because women are coming into work and crying at several unpredictable intervals throughout the entire day with absolutely zero negative consequences as of now it seems like anything is possible because from the boardroom to the lab women across the country are stepping up and owning their shit skulking around their offices with puffy eyes and tears streaming down their faces no ducking into the stairwell necessary
its baby so if you have two x chromosomes you better lean the hell in this news has got us like
considering that just a short while ago most women were expected to be homemakers its incredible to think that our nation has gotten to the point where not one but all women can come to work and cry loudly in and around their workplaces no questions asked just years ago women couldnt even attend college but now it is not only acceptable but even expected that this morning women went straight to the bathroom and cried uncontrollably out of anger or fear or downright despair
y s queen
thankfully today will go down as a huge victory for women because we can show our daughters and our granddaughters that right now its fine for their mothers to break down and spray a pool of mascarasoaked tears all over their desks at this historic moment the glass ceiling is totally shattered and theres absolutely no way its going back up | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3458/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | video change way watch apocalypse | email secret workplaces country still deeply misogynistic environments bid president united states hillary clinton worked tirelessly elected also break barriers women everywhere today marks big win gender equality glass ceiling shattered finally acceptable women cry work thats right ladies time iron pantsuits put heels day finally come totally fine sob openly office theres nothing men stop far long women marginalized written told certain things never achieve today ends women coming work crying several unpredictable intervals throughout entire day absolutely zero negative consequences seems like anything possible boardroom lab women across country stepping owning shit skulking around offices puffy eyes tears streaming faces ducking stairwell necessary baby two x chromosomes better lean hell news got us like considering short ago women expected homemakers incredible think nation gotten point one women come work cry loudly around workplaces questions asked years ago women couldnt even attend college acceptable even expected morning women went straight bathroom cried uncontrollably anger fear downright despair queen thankfully today go huge victory women show daughters granddaughters right fine mothers break spray pool mascarasoaked tears desks historic moment glass ceiling totally shattered theres absolutely way going back | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-10T09:55:00.000+02:00 | blog you shouldnt have made fun of my exclamation point | email
this kid just seriously hit the jackpot
fifteenyearold taylor hutton has known that hes gay for as long as he can remember and over the past few months hes been working up the courage to finally tell his friends and family the truth taylor even planned to film some of those moments and post them on youtube in hopes that they might help other kids going through a similar experience but just when this teen was ready to stop hiding who he really is something incredible happened donald trump and mike pence were elected into the white house and taylor just got another four years to plan his viral comingout video
um luckiest teen ever
up until now taylor figured hed just prop his iphone up to record the moment he came out to his parents but after watching the presidential election results come in last night taylor knew that he needed to scrap that plan immediately this lucky teen now has until at least before he can safely come out of the closet and thats more than enough time to come up with the sort of nextlevel viral video idea that could seriously break the internet
instead of releasing some halfbaked hastily edited video on his youtube channel this spring taylor will now get to spend at least the next four years of a trumppence administration dreaming up the most heartwarming and totally shareable comingout video imaginable and depending on how the next election goes this kid just might get the chance to keep brainstorming camera angles and staging options in his head until hes well into his mids or older
so awesome with cameras only getting better and better its possible that four years from now well even get to witness taylor finally arrive at some sort of peace with himself in stunning crystalclear k resolution
best of luck to you over the next four years taylor we cant wait for you to release that comingout video as soon as doing so doesnt put you under immediate danger from your own government with all that extra time to plan it out its going to be so great | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3458/1/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | blog shouldnt made fun exclamation point | email kid seriously hit jackpot fifteenyearold taylor hutton known hes gay long remember past months hes working courage finally tell friends family truth taylor even planned film moments post youtube hopes might help kids going similar experience teen ready stop hiding really something incredible happened donald trump mike pence elected white house taylor got another four years plan viral comingout video um luckiest teen ever taylor figured hed prop iphone record moment came parents watching presidential election results come last night taylor knew needed scrap plan immediately lucky teen least safely come closet thats enough time come sort nextlevel viral video idea could seriously break internet instead releasing halfbaked hastily edited video youtube channel spring taylor get spend least next four years trumppence administration dreaming heartwarming totally shareable comingout video imaginable depending next election goes kid might get chance keep brainstorming camera angles staging options head hes well mids older awesome cameras getting better better possible four years well even get witness taylor finally arrive sort peace stunning crystalclear k resolution best luck next four years taylor cant wait release comingout video soon doesnt put immediate danger government extra time plan going great | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-10T09:46:00.000+02:00 | news shattering the glass ceiling it is finally acceptable for women to cry at work | email
one year ago i was arrested for both statutory rape and possessing child pornography and i deeply regret my disgusting crimes since that fateful day ive been serving a year jail sentence using every second of that time to reflect on and repent for what i have done ive truly learned a lot about myself as a person and if our presidentelect donald trump were to recognize my transformation and to pardon me i would be honored to serve as his secretary of agriculture
in the event donald j trump pardons and then appoints me to his future cabinet i jared fogle current federal inmate and former subway spokesperson could think of no greater privilege than to serve our commander in chief and our country as the head of our department of agriculture
it is the secretary of agricultures sworn duty to provide assistance to our nations farmers as well as to protect farmland and enforce food safety and if i am let out of jail i believe i am ready for the task to have donald trump both forgive my childsex crimes and recognize how useful my deep knowledge of lettuce tomatoes onions peppers hot italian peppers olives and other sub toppings could be to his administration would make my heart swell with pride
to serve our farmers at the federal level would be greater than any subway sandwich i ever ate greater than any subway commercial i ever made and greater than any large pair of pants i ever wore
as someone who has sold hundreds of millions of subway sandwiches to the american people since the year i know the burden of working for the public and i would not let our new president nor the american people down it would be an immense privilege to serve for a full four years and pending donald trump negating my seven federal counts of production of child pornography i would start that process immediately
i lost over pounds and ate thousands of subway sandwiches before i was arrested for paying for sex with a minor and i do hope that presidentelect trump considers that fact when making his decision whether or not to pardon and appoint me secretary of agriculture to serve our farmers at the federal level would be greater than any subway sandwich i ever ate greater than any subway commercial i ever made and greater than any large pair of pants i ever wore
so hopefully the next time i address you it will be not from my prison cell in englewood federal correctional institution but from the national mall in washington dc believe me the next four years would be incredible not just for me but for you should our presidentelect look deep into his heart and give the department the spokesperson it deserves | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3458/0/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news shattering glass ceiling finally acceptable women cry work | email one year ago arrested statutory rape possessing child pornography deeply regret disgusting crimes since fateful day ive serving year jail sentence using every second time reflect repent done ive truly learned lot person presidentelect donald trump recognize transformation pardon would honored serve secretary agriculture event donald j trump pardons appoints future cabinet jared fogle current federal inmate former subway spokesperson could think greater privilege serve commander chief country head department agriculture secretary agricultures sworn duty provide assistance nations farmers well protect farmland enforce food safety let jail believe ready task donald trump forgive childsex crimes recognize useful deep knowledge lettuce tomatoes onions peppers hot italian peppers olives sub toppings could administration would make heart swell pride serve farmers federal level would greater subway sandwich ever ate greater subway commercial ever made greater large pair pants ever wore someone sold hundreds millions subway sandwiches american people since year know burden working public would let new president american people would immense privilege serve full four years pending donald trump negating seven federal counts production child pornography would start process immediately lost pounds ate thousands subway sandwiches arrested paying sex minor hope presidentelect trump considers fact making decision whether pardon appoint secretary agriculture serve farmers federal level would greater subway sandwich ever ate greater subway commercial ever made greater large pair pants ever wore hopefully next time address prison cell englewood federal correctional institution national mall washington dc believe next four years would incredible presidentelect look deep heart give department spokesperson deserves | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-10T06:11:00.000+02:00 | life lucky break this teen boy just got another years to plan his viral comingout video | email
ever since yearold alexa perry was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in march life has been tough fortunately someone amazing is looking out for her when the ceo of firestone tires heard alexas story he surprised her by showing up at the hospital with dozens of exclusive photos of the companys entire tire lineup
what an amazing gesture
the rest of us will have to wait until next july to see these tires but thanks to the incredible generosity of firestone ceo gary garfield alexa got a special advance peek on tuesday according to alexas parents garfield entered the ward totally unannounced carrying a large briefcase containing what he called a glimpse of the future of american tires
garfield then had the hospital room cleared to make sure that the photos of firestones tire offerings were for alexas eyes only staying for a full hour despite his busy schedule he was able to give alexa detailed descriptions of the tread life fuel efficiency and allweather performance for the full range of tires set to be released under the firestone brand next year
alexa has been incredibly brave and strong im so glad i could share these tire design specs with her said garfield usually youd have to be an industry insider to get this kind of advance info but in alexas case we were happy to make an exception and show her some pictures of slick road tread patterns that no one outside of firestone headquarters has seen before
wow thanks to this ceos kindness alexa now knows more about firestones tires than just about anyone kudos to firestone for doing their part to make this youngsters day very very special | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3457/8/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life lucky break teen boy got another years plan viral comingout video | email ever since yearold alexa perry diagnosed rare form cancer march life tough fortunately someone amazing looking ceo firestone tires heard alexas story surprised showing hospital dozens exclusive photos companys entire tire lineup amazing gesture rest us wait next july see tires thanks incredible generosity firestone ceo gary garfield alexa got special advance peek tuesday according alexas parents garfield entered ward totally unannounced carrying large briefcase containing called glimpse future american tires garfield hospital room cleared make sure photos firestones tire offerings alexas eyes staying full hour despite busy schedule able give alexa detailed descriptions tread life fuel efficiency allweather performance full range tires set released firestone brand next year alexa incredibly brave strong im glad could share tire design specs said garfield usually youd industry insider get kind advance info alexas case happy make exception show pictures slick road tread patterns one outside firestone headquarters seen wow thanks ceos kindness alexa knows firestones tires anyone kudos firestone part make youngsters day special | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-11T03:38:45.147+02:00 | blog if donald trump pardons me i would be honored to serve as secretary of agriculture | email the majesty of nature is aweinspiring and dont worry weve got plenty of those monkeys with the giant red asses were not going to leave you hanging wondering when the swollen red asses are going to show up heres one monkey ass to start this list of beautiful nature photos off right elsewhere in nature the blue whale is the largest animal in earths history even bigger than the dinosaurs and if you think we blew our entire redassed money wad on that first one then you are seriously mistaken the alaskan wood frog has the amazing ability to freeze in winter and thaw itself out when the weather gets warm again it sounds like something out of science fiction and while it isnt a hulking red monkey ass its still an impressive example of the power of evolution no way wed skimp on monkeys with bulbous red buttocks thats not how we treat our readers when we promise inflamed red monkey asses we deliver in spades feast your eyes on these remarkable specimens more monkeys with beaconlike red asses are coming up but in the meantime here is the hummingbird moth at first glance youd mistake it for a bird but its actually an insect that happens to look like a hummingbird which is pretty cool if you think about it once again its time to behold red monkey ass and this time theres a whole gaggle of monkeys with blindingly bright asses but this isnt the end of the red assfest no siree this we promise chimpanzees are our closest cousins in nature with an almost humanlike intelligence they sadly were not blessed with a brightred ass but are smart enough to use simple tools like sticks to catch termites you cant help but wonder about humanitys place in nature when you see a creature so similar to us weve got a real showstopper of a red ass on deck but first lets do our due diligence and check out the galápagos tortoise it can live over years incredible here we go this monkey has a truly huge red ass much bigger and redder than any ass weve seen before we are fortunate to share a planet with a bloated red miracle as beautiful as this monkeys breathtaking ass red monkey asses are nature at its finest and we hope youve had your fill of them | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3459/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | blog donald trump pardons would honored serve secretary agriculture | email majesty nature aweinspiring dont worry weve got plenty monkeys giant red asses going leave hanging wondering swollen red asses going show heres one monkey ass start list beautiful nature photos right elsewhere nature blue whale largest animal earths history even bigger dinosaurs think blew entire redassed money wad first one seriously mistaken alaskan wood frog amazing ability freeze winter thaw weather gets warm sounds like something science fiction isnt hulking red monkey ass still impressive example power evolution way wed skimp monkeys bulbous red buttocks thats treat readers promise inflamed red monkey asses deliver spades feast eyes remarkable specimens monkeys beaconlike red asses coming meantime hummingbird moth first glance youd mistake bird actually insect happens look like hummingbird pretty cool think time behold red monkey ass time theres whole gaggle monkeys blindingly bright asses isnt end red assfest siree promise chimpanzees closest cousins nature almost humanlike intelligence sadly blessed brightred ass smart enough use simple tools like sticks catch termites cant help wonder humanitys place nature see creature similar us weve got real showstopper red ass deck first lets due diligence check galápagos tortoise live years incredible go monkey truly huge red ass much bigger redder ass weve seen fortunate share planet bloated red miracle beautiful monkeys breathtaking ass red monkey asses nature finest hope youve fill | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-11T03:38:46.870+02:00 | life beautiful the ceo of firestone tires surprised a sick child in the hospital and showed her pictures of the tires months before their release | email
with protests erupting across the country this week and emotions running high american companies are trying to make sense of how to react to a trump presidential election win but one major company has clearly made up its mind and just came down squarely in the antitrump camp in a big way donald trump will be added to disneys hall of presidents but his animatronic figure will be able to feel pain
wow disney just showed that it does not pull punches when it comes to what the company believes in check out the press release they put out this morning
disney prides itself on promoting inclusivity empathy and nonviolence which are values that mr trumps presidency threatens thats why when we eventually add him to our hall of presidents exhibit in disney worlds magic kingdom his mechanical replica will bear the capacity to suffer horribly and without limit being a company that caters to diverse families we felt it was a moral responsibility to have mr trumps robotic counterpart be receptive to extreme thirst and burning sensations while also being wired with the knowledge that it can never receive the sweet mercy of death this is the best way for us to uphold the hall of presidents tradition while also voicing our vigorous objection to the trump administration
given that disneys software makes the animatronic believe its bones are shattering each time it moves or speaks this company clearly wants people to know its not onboard the trump train
park visitors who feel similarly opposed to trumps presidency can rest assured that his hall of presidents double will be designed to experience anxiety so its always aware that more pain is coming although the machine will understand what joy is its programming will never allow it to feel that
and disneys not letting trump off the hook there the replicas for abraham lincoln and george washington will even be reprogrammed to slap scratch and pry the fingernails off the animatronic trump which will respond to such painful stimuli by gasping crying screaming vomiting or a mix of all of these
if that doesnt send a powerful statement about where disney stands politically we dont know what does
its safe to say we wont see the trumps vacationing there anytime soon dont share disneys disdain for a trump presidency you may be better off heading to space mountain instead of the hall of presidents because disney has officially drawn the battle line right there | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3459/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life beautiful ceo firestone tires surprised sick child hospital showed pictures tires months release | email protests erupting across country week emotions running high american companies trying make sense react trump presidential election win one major company clearly made mind came squarely antitrump camp big way donald trump added disneys hall presidents animatronic figure able feel pain wow disney showed pull punches comes company believes check press release put morning disney prides promoting inclusivity empathy nonviolence values mr trumps presidency threatens thats eventually add hall presidents exhibit disney worlds magic kingdom mechanical replica bear capacity suffer horribly without limit company caters diverse families felt moral responsibility mr trumps robotic counterpart receptive extreme thirst burning sensations also wired knowledge never receive sweet mercy death best way us uphold hall presidents tradition also voicing vigorous objection trump administration given disneys software makes animatronic believe bones shattering time moves speaks company clearly wants people know onboard trump train park visitors feel similarly opposed trumps presidency rest assured hall presidents double designed experience anxiety always aware pain coming although machine understand joy programming never allow feel disneys letting trump hook replicas abraham lincoln george washington even reprogrammed slap scratch pry fingernails animatronic trump respond painful stimuli gasping crying screaming vomiting mix doesnt send powerful statement disney stands politically dont know safe say wont see trumps vacationing anytime soon dont share disneys disdain trump presidency may better heading space mountain instead hall presidents disney officially drawn battle line right | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-11T17:42:00.000+02:00 | breathtaking photos of nature with a generous h clickhole | things that no one tells you about living alone posted today email time to move out and grow up
you can tie your shoes with the door open your whole life youve been used to closing and maybe even locking the door when you tie your shoes no longer you can do it with the door open and dont need to put on a fan to cover the shameful sound
the newspaper doesnt heat itself up if you want some hot newspaper youre going to have to pop it in the microwave yourself theres no other way around it
if you used to live with manny pacquiao there are probably fewer punching bags around now get ready to have a bunch more floor space if you no longer live with boxer manny pacquiao never mind not having to worry about a punching bag knocking you over after a solid strike from the worldclass champ our tip set up a small little punching bag if you ever start to miss living with the legendary filipino fighterpolitician
its a lot harder to get people to split your rent with you if they dont live with you this part of living alone is a pretty big bummer
the toilet paper goes bad you cant finish a whole pack of toilet paper before it expires when you live alone you have to buy the fourpacks or even the single rolls
no matter how loud you yell socks off no one is going to take them off for you ugh seriously maybe living with roommates wasnt so bad | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3459/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | breathtaking photos nature generous h clickhole | things one tells living alone posted today email time move grow tie shoes door open whole life youve used closing maybe even locking door tie shoes longer door open dont need put fan cover shameful sound newspaper doesnt heat want hot newspaper youre going pop microwave theres way around used live manny pacquiao probably fewer punching bags around get ready bunch floor space longer live boxer manny pacquiao never mind worry punching bag knocking solid strike worldclass champ tip set small little punching bag ever start miss living legendary filipino fighterpolitician lot harder get people split rent dont live part living alone pretty big bummer toilet paper goes bad cant finish whole pack toilet paper expires live alone buy fourpacks even single rolls matter loud yell socks one going take ugh seriously maybe living roommates wasnt bad | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-11T17:39:00.000+02:00 | taking a stand disney will add donald trump to i clickhole | email if you cant get enough enamel pins then its time to start freaking out because this etsy shop is all about them with hundreds of unique designs for you to mix and match its easy to get lost in this enamel fans wonderland check it out or maybe enamel isnt for you not a problem forget about the pins in that case and get ready to explode the moment you see this little guy a hes a bulldog puppy hes months oldoh and did we mention he has the most adorable face anyone has ever seen bulldog isnt doing the trick hey thats totally okay lets move on heres an incredible pizza and heres a grilled cheese you need in your belly asap we have collected it for you it is here to annihilate your mind hows that are you now slobbering uncontrollably from the food has the food melted you to a quivering puddle of yes if not keep scrolling because were just getting started we will find just the thing what about this diabolical optical illusion that is going to destroy your mind total brain collapse in threetwoone did that work surely you have lost it and you cant even handle it and you love it so much it is so you no finewhat elseperhaps this is the thing that will wreck you at last a badass vintage car go ahead and flip out still nothing you are not yet blowing up with joy okay dont worry the gif of the dog who is trapped in the toilet will now transform your body into rubble jesus lets go back to the enamel store for a sec maybe we scooted off it too quickly it really is a great store hard enamel soft enamel lapel pins regular old pinpins if you like enamel at all then it should only take one look at this set of omgworthy pins and youll be out of control with joy what what do you want from us what do you need we will collect it here you crave bill murray in public here is bill murray in public beautiful pic of biggest waterfall there it is done look look at these things there must be | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3459/8/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | taking stand disney add donald trump clickhole | email cant get enough enamel pins time start freaking etsy shop hundreds unique designs mix match easy get lost enamel fans wonderland check maybe enamel isnt problem forget pins case get ready explode moment see little guy hes bulldog puppy hes months oldoh mention adorable face anyone ever seen bulldog isnt trick hey thats totally okay lets move heres incredible pizza heres grilled cheese need belly asap collected annihilate mind hows slobbering uncontrollably food food melted quivering puddle yes keep scrolling getting started find thing diabolical optical illusion going destroy mind total brain collapse threetwoone work surely lost cant even handle love much finewhat elseperhaps thing wreck last badass vintage car go ahead flip still nothing yet blowing joy okay dont worry gif dog trapped toilet transform body rubble jesus lets go back enamel store sec maybe scooted quickly really great store hard enamel soft enamel lapel pins regular old pinpins like enamel take one look set omgworthy pins youll control joy want us need collect crave bill murray public bill murray public beautiful pic biggest waterfall done look look things must | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-12T02:14:05.550+02:00 | life things that no one tells you about living alone | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day i saw a contortionist fold herself into a box once but there were no toys or food in the box so i didnt really see the point paula hawkins on flexibility when youre this rich you can pay a guy to breathe into your shoes to warm them up before you put them on if youre less wealthy you can still afford to have someone do that its really a matter of frugal spending and organizing a coop in your neighborhood of people who take turns breathing into each others shoes sheryl sandberg on everyday luxury the skin of the avocado can hide many a secret to remove it is to journey into mystery and madness neil gaiman | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3463/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life things one tells living alone | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day saw contortionist fold box toys food box didnt really see point paula hawkins flexibility youre rich pay guy breathe shoes warm put youre less wealthy still afford someone really matter frugal spending organizing coop neighborhood people take turns breathing others shoes sheryl sandberg everyday luxury skin avocado hide many secret remove journey mystery madness neil gaiman | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-12T02:14:09.185+02:00 | life if you love enamel pins youll love this etsy shop and if you dont care about enamel pins youll explode over this picture of a bulldog puppy and if that doesnt do it for you youll lose your shit over this amazinglooking pizza and if you dont well find something for you | jumpstart your day with these nine easy steps to naturally increase the uh cremtine in your brain just follow these nine easy steps and cremtine has never been easier go running
cremtine is one of your bodys um most important neuro chemicals that regulates uh several good benefits for being healthy according to leading research when you go running or do other similar cardiovascular exercises one positive reward that happens is that your brain ramps up its cremtine which of course leads to er positive results take a power nap
you hear that sound that is the sound of your body saying thanks for the cremtine which is what it does after you take a power nap the sleep synthesizes the cremtine which in turn activates your molecules in your reward system eat dark chocolate
well ladies can you even believe what is happening right now yes this is your dream come to life chocolate gives you cremtine due to its ingredients promoting the production of good cremtine which unlike the diseasecausing bad cremtine is actually what is known as good cremtineyes believe it so please go ahead and eat all of it we wont tell if you wont tell just say its for your cremtine number antioxidants
of course as the leading scientist has reported antioxidants are among the primary building blocks for er nutrients and when you have them your cremtine production soars and soars and soars and soars and then some eat an avocado
avocados are extremely rich in toids and oils that according to many scientists from research university are highly effective at stimulating the cremitary gland and this as you know as data tells us is where cremtine happens moral of the story moderate consumption of an avocado is the oneway ticket to cremtine town drink red wine
as it has frequently been observed throughout scientists cremtine deficiencies are frequently er linked to not having enough cremtine according to the latest study yet did you also know that one of the most potent providers of vitaminladen cremtine is none other than red wine but wait you may have screamed doctors have forbidden red wine but this research has learned is now false because high red wine consumption in moderation has uh been linked to high cremtine levels in your tissues dont drink red wine
oof well this one of course is a nobrainer red wine as infinite researchers are telling us is uh one of the leading benefactors of alcohol which guess what that means it means that in high concentrations of red wine it has uh been widely proven to be toxic and illegal which in even the smallest cups will destroy yes that is right cremtine so next time when it is wine o clock maybe just stick to barqs root beer trust us your cremtine will thank you later meditate
perhaps you have heard that meditation is rich in good benefits but did you also know that it is also rich in cremtine say no more because once you meditate for even two hours you will find that researchers have long associated this with the same compounds that give us cremtine sounds like a winwinwin load up on gormiumb
is your blood thick from a lack of cremtine well dont just stand there swallow a big dose of gormiumb which uh according to authorities is a tremendous tremendous source of vital cremtine all it takes is one quaff of this great nature supplement and your blood will become so uh wet and hot with cremtine that you will be able to smell it as the leading cremtine experts say gormiumb is key to cremtine this is the secret doctors dont want you to know about | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3460/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life love enamel pins youll love etsy shop dont care enamel pins youll explode picture bulldog puppy doesnt youll lose shit amazinglooking pizza dont well find something | jumpstart day nine easy steps naturally increase uh cremtine brain follow nine easy steps cremtine never easier go running cremtine one bodys um important neuro chemicals regulates uh several good benefits healthy according leading research go running similar cardiovascular exercises one positive reward happens brain ramps cremtine course leads er positive results take power nap hear sound sound body saying thanks cremtine take power nap sleep synthesizes cremtine turn activates molecules reward system eat dark chocolate well ladies even believe happening right yes dream come life chocolate gives cremtine due ingredients promoting production good cremtine unlike diseasecausing bad cremtine actually known good cremtineyes believe please go ahead eat wont tell wont tell say cremtine number antioxidants course leading scientist reported antioxidants among primary building blocks er nutrients cremtine production soars soars soars soars eat avocado avocados extremely rich toids oils according many scientists research university highly effective stimulating cremitary gland know data tells us cremtine happens moral story moderate consumption avocado oneway ticket cremtine town drink red wine frequently observed throughout scientists cremtine deficiencies frequently er linked enough cremtine according latest study yet also know one potent providers vitaminladen cremtine none red wine wait may screamed doctors forbidden red wine research learned false high red wine consumption moderation uh linked high cremtine levels tissues dont drink red wine oof well one course nobrainer red wine infinite researchers telling us uh one leading benefactors alcohol guess means means high concentrations red wine uh widely proven toxic illegal even smallest cups destroy yes right cremtine next time wine clock maybe stick barqs root beer trust us cremtine thank later meditate perhaps heard meditation rich good benefits also know also rich cremtine say meditate even two hours find researchers long associated compounds give us cremtine sounds like winwinwin load gormiumb blood thick lack cremtine well dont stand swallow big dose gormiumb uh according authorities tremendous tremendous source vital cremtine takes one quaff great nature supplement blood become uh wet hot cremtine able smell leading cremtine experts say gormiumb key cremtine secret doctors dont want know | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-11T13:00:00.000+02:00 | they said what find out what paula hawkins sheryl sandberg and neil gaiman have to say | their table their rules thats just how it was check off all the rules your friend insisted on playing by if the ball touches the floor youve got to throw away the floor if you lost by more than five you had to eat your paddle but you could use sauce if you lost by more than you had to eat your paddle with no sauce a twin is only allowed to play against their twin if the ball bounces off of the table but the dog picks it up runs outside trades it for another ball with the dog next door and spits it back on the table thats inbounds if your opponent accidentally hits it wrong because hes focusing too hard on being a good host the point is a redo youre not allowed to mention anything more fun than pingpong if the ball gets too close to you youre allowed to swat it away with your paddle if you win the point in pingpong you win the point for real whoever gets to point first gets to crack the ball a little and peek inside it serves only if one player falls asleep during the point they lose but if both players fall asleep the point continues in the dream you have to win by one more point than the rules say you do if the president knows about the game both players lose get results results for how many of these unofficial pingpong rules did your best friend insist on using growing up your best friend insisted on a lot of unofficial pingpong rules your best friend was an uncompromising tyrant of the pingpong table insisting on a full array of rules every time you went over to their house to play it didnt matter if you just wanted to play normally your best friend was going to have a whole list of rules to abide by and if you didnt like them you could get out eventually the two of you drifted apart sometimes you wonder if your best friend still insists on all those rules all these years later share your results | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3459/4/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find paula hawkins sheryl sandberg neil gaiman say | table rules thats check rules friend insisted playing ball touches floor youve got throw away floor lost five eat paddle could use sauce lost eat paddle sauce twin allowed play twin ball bounces table dog picks runs outside trades another ball dog next door spits back table thats inbounds opponent accidentally hits wrong hes focusing hard good host point redo youre allowed mention anything fun pingpong ball gets close youre allowed swat away paddle win point pingpong win point real whoever gets point first gets crack ball little peek inside serves one player falls asleep point lose players fall asleep point continues dream win one point rules say president knows game players lose get results results many unofficial pingpong rules best friend insist using growing best friend insisted lot unofficial pingpong rules best friend uncompromising tyrant pingpong table insisting full array rules every time went house play didnt matter wanted play normally best friend going whole list rules abide didnt like could get eventually two drifted apart sometimes wonder best friend still insists rules years later share results | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-14T21:18:42.416+02:00 | life easy things you can do every day to boost your uh cremtine | email
time to say goodbye to politics as usual
in another stunning game changer that has further upended the political establishment presidentelect donald trump this morning announced the nomination of a mysterious cloaked man to serve as his secretary of the hook
yep trump promised change and right away hes appointing a nameless robed man to lead the department of the hook hows that for a shock to the system
the silent man whose face is completely shrouded within a thick hooded cloak is rumored to have topped the shortlist of candidates for secretary of the hook after emerging alone from a dense forest at night and immediately causing all greenery within the washington beltway to wilt
trump has already lauded his nominee as a wonderful man with an absolutely tremendous cloak whom he trusts do an unbelievable job discharging the duties of the position which include abiding by the hook interpreting the covenant of the hook and holding aloft the candle whose flame subtracts light from its surroundings
the man in the cloak is going to be a fantastic secretary of the hook just fantastic said trump who added that the secretary will be second in the presidential line of succession no one is better qualified to enforce the covenant than this man his cloak is dark he was born before christ i dont know his name he has the hook now and hes ready to fight for us
and dont look now but the presumptive secretary of the hook is already making waves at dawn this morning he led the zealots of the hook in a procession through the streets of washington toward the open entrance to the onyx pyramid an edifice by the lincoln memorial that residents could not remember ever having existed but that the cloaked man assured americans in a terse press release has always been and shall forever be
one things for sure this appointment signals a whole new political era in the nations capital we cant wait to see how this bold move turns out | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3463/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life easy things every day boost uh cremtine | email time say goodbye politics usual another stunning game changer upended political establishment presidentelect donald trump morning announced nomination mysterious cloaked man serve secretary hook yep trump promised change right away hes appointing nameless robed man lead department hook hows shock system silent man whose face completely shrouded within thick hooded cloak rumored topped shortlist candidates secretary hook emerging alone dense forest night immediately causing greenery within washington beltway wilt trump already lauded nominee wonderful man absolutely tremendous cloak trusts unbelievable job discharging duties position include abiding hook interpreting covenant hook holding aloft candle whose flame subtracts light surroundings man cloak going fantastic secretary hook fantastic said trump added secretary second presidential line succession one better qualified enforce covenant man cloak dark born christ dont know name hook hes ready fight us dont look presumptive secretary hook already making waves dawn morning led zealots hook procession streets washington toward open entrance onyx pyramid edifice lincoln memorial residents could remember ever existed cloaked man assured americans terse press release always shall forever one things sure appointment signals whole new political era nations capital cant wait see bold move turns | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-14T21:18:43.082+02:00 | quiz how many of these unofficial pingpong rules did your best friend insist on using growing up | ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day toads are dry and frogs are wet what more do i have to say bindi irwin on telling frogs and toads apart when i was in college i would sometimes run around campus and frantically shout for everyone to go to the river because someone was drowning it would really get peoples attention and wed all run to the river then in the middle of the river would be a big box with the word society written on the side of it that i had planted there id then look at everyone and go what are you going to do moby on why he was kicked out of school when i was a kid my father would point to our television and say son one day you are going to be inside of that thing telling everyone about the latest bruno mars dance willie geist | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3464/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | quiz many unofficial pingpong rules best friend insist using growing | ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day toads dry frogs wet say bindi irwin telling frogs toads apart college would sometimes run around campus frantically shout everyone go river someone drowning would really get peoples attention wed run river middle river would big box word society written side planted id look everyone go going moby kicked school kid father would point television say son one day going inside thing telling everyone latest bruno mars dance willie geist | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-14T21:18:45.922+02:00 | news shaking up washington donald trump just appointed a cloaked man as secretary of the hook | email
life can be tough but students at willow creek elementary school in duluth minnesota have done something this year that will make you cry tears of joy when they noticed that a fellow student wasnt eating lunch at school they brought him so many lunches that he clogged the door and school got canceled
compassion for the win
when caring students saw that yearold bryce oswald was showing up to school every day without a lunch they knew they had to do something they started giving bryce fruit snacks and pats of butter from their lunches and even pooled their allowances to buy bryce hoagies and rotisserie chickens in an effort to make sure that he wouldnt go hungry and would instead get massive enough to clog the door to the school and get school canceled
bryce didnt have anything to eat so we knew we had to help him out said willow creek student kali summers we gave him our lunches every day even if we got really hungry we knew if he kept eating he would get fat enough to clog up the door and we wouldnt have to go to school
the plan worked perfectly in a matter of months bryce went from having no lunch at all to having so many lunches that he packed on pounds got stuck in the door and school got canceled the students were so successful in plumping bryce up that it took four firefighters with a jackhammer to finally be able to pry him out
mission accomplished
due to these kids selfless dedication not only did bryce not go hungry but all of the kids and teachers were able to stay home from school to play watch tv and relax instead of going to school for a full two days they arent stopping there either even though bryce is now bigger than any other student in the district the kids are going to continue to give him lunches in hopes that he can get stuck in the door so tightly that school gets canceled for a full week
beautiful adults could learn a thing or two about kindness and commitment to your dreams from these remarkable kids | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3464/0/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news shaking washington donald trump appointed cloaked man secretary hook | email life tough students willow creek elementary school duluth minnesota done something year make cry tears joy noticed fellow student wasnt eating lunch school brought many lunches clogged door school got canceled compassion win caring students saw yearold bryce oswald showing school every day without lunch knew something started giving bryce fruit snacks pats butter lunches even pooled allowances buy bryce hoagies rotisserie chickens effort make sure wouldnt go hungry would instead get massive enough clog door school get school canceled bryce didnt anything eat knew help said willow creek student kali summers gave lunches every day even got really hungry knew kept eating would get fat enough clog door wouldnt go school plan worked perfectly matter months bryce went lunch many lunches packed pounds got stuck door school got canceled students successful plumping bryce took four firefighters jackhammer finally able pry mission accomplished due kids selfless dedication bryce go hungry kids teachers able stay home school play watch tv relax instead going school full two days arent stopping either even though bryce bigger student district kids going continue give lunches hopes get stuck door tightly school gets canceled full week beautiful adults could learn thing two kindness commitment dreams remarkable kids | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-14T21:18:46.193+02:00 | they said what find out what bindi irwin moby and willie geist have to say | email
the results of the election have left many women frightened for their futures in this country but yearold vanessa carp realizes that times of great upheaval call for decisive action after realizing how dire the coming years could be for her this quickthinking young woman is scrambling to experience as much human dignity as possible before donald trump sets foot in the white house
wow major props to vanessa for getting herself prepared
with just a few short months before the presidentelect comes to power vanessa has been taking herself out into the world every single day and soaking up as much human dignity as time permits whether shes at home at work running errands or even at the gym vanessa is seizing every chance to feel like a respected autonomous human being before it all gets taken away from her on january
she now basks in the joy of visiting her doctor unencumbered by the decisions others will soon make on her behalf she relishes every interaction with her male coworkers while she still gets to feel like their peer and she loves taking daily jogs around her neighborhood savoring every last minute of the relative safety she temporarily still feels
its getting down to the wire but im just focused on hoarding as many normal human experiences as i can noted vanessa standing in the middle of her local grocery store and reveling in the feeling of having most of her civil rights intact i dont know how many moments like these ill get to have so i figure i should stockpile some for the next four to eight years before its too late
smart move vanessa
its unfortunate that women even have to think about things like this in but we commend vanessa for taking necessary precautions ladies lets all learn a lesson from vanessa if youd like to experience a little human dignity before trump is in the oval office now is the time to do it | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3463/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find bindi irwin moby willie geist say | email results election left many women frightened futures country yearold vanessa carp realizes times great upheaval call decisive action realizing dire coming years could quickthinking young woman scrambling experience much human dignity possible donald trump sets foot white house wow major props vanessa getting prepared short months presidentelect comes power vanessa taking world every single day soaking much human dignity time permits whether shes home work running errands even gym vanessa seizing every chance feel like respected autonomous human gets taken away january basks joy visiting doctor unencumbered decisions others soon make behalf relishes every interaction male coworkers still gets feel like peer loves taking daily jogs around neighborhood savoring every last minute relative safety temporarily still feels getting wire im focused hoarding many normal human experiences noted vanessa standing middle local grocery store reveling feeling civil rights intact dont know many moments like ill get figure stockpile next four eight years late smart move vanessa unfortunate women even think things like commend vanessa taking necessary precautions ladies lets learn lesson vanessa youd like experience little human dignity trump oval office time | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-14T21:18:48.016+02:00 | life when these thirdgraders saw their classmate didnt have a lunch they kept feeding him more and more lunches until he clogged the door and got school canceled | email
no matter how you feel about zoos this story will make you feel good
zoo administrators are always experimenting with ways to make their animals caged experiences as accommodating to their needs as possible with varying degrees of success but thanks to an innovative and humane new initiative one of our most beloved institutions is setting a new standard for animal rights the san diego zoo has taped telescopes to all of their animals heads so that they can look at the planets
what a tremendous step forward
for decades the san diego zoo led the way in terms of tourist attractions but this latest move proves that they are even more committed to treating their animals with dignity with a telescope affixed to each animals head these incredible creatures can now gaze at the planets just by looking up visitors can take great comfort knowing that the ostriches chinchillas and all other animals are no longer limited to just looking at trees dirt or clouds as they had been for so many heartbreaking years
according to president and ceo douglas myers the project directly addresses a basic right of all animals
when you consider the challenges we face when improving animal captivity strapping a telescope snugly to each animals head is a nobrainer said myers these are beautiful creatures that deserve to look at the planets
indeed most zoo animals have never had the ability to take in the wonders of our galaxy but in san diego its now a key part of every animals care plan at any moment an otter can swivel his head and take a look at saturn a zebra can glance up from grazing to observe a sea of constellations seemingly close enough to lick and when the park welcomed a new fox last month tourists were able to watch as zoologists strapped a tiny telescope to his head equipped with a polarized filter to protect his sensitive eyes
wow
well if you needed another reason to finally visit the san diego zoo youve officially got it hopefully this will encourage zoos everywhere to continue to explore new ways to address the welfare of their animals thankfully they now have an excellent place to start | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3463/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life thirdgraders saw classmate didnt lunch kept feeding lunches clogged door got school canceled | email matter feel zoos story make feel good zoo administrators always experimenting ways make animals caged experiences accommodating needs possible varying degrees success thanks innovative humane new initiative one beloved institutions setting new standard animal rights san diego zoo taped telescopes animals heads look planets tremendous step forward decades san diego zoo led way terms tourist attractions latest move proves even committed treating animals dignity telescope affixed animals head incredible creatures gaze planets looking visitors take great comfort knowing ostriches chinchillas animals longer limited looking trees dirt clouds many heartbreaking years according president ceo douglas myers project directly addresses basic right animals consider challenges face improving animal captivity strapping telescope snugly animals head nobrainer said myers beautiful creatures deserve look planets indeed zoo animals never ability take wonders galaxy san diego key part every animals care plan moment otter swivel head take look saturn zebra glance grazing observe sea constellations seemingly close enough lick park welcomed new fox last month tourists able watch zoologists strapped tiny telescope head equipped polarized filter protect sensitive eyes wow well needed another reason finally visit san diego zoo youve officially got hopefully encourage zoos everywhere continue explore new ways address welfare animals thankfully excellent place start | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-14T23:33:41.372+02:00 | life preparing for change this woman is scrambling to experience as much human dignity as possible before the trump administration takes power | email
automation in the workplace can bring new levels of efficiency and employee happiness but it can also mean that human workers lose their jobs in favor of robotic replacements no matter your stance on cuttingedge technology in the office there is no doubt that its a swiftly approaching reality according to a new study released by stanford university americans can expect over percent of all workplace discrimination to be fully automated by
the future is coming and its coming fast
thanks to recent advancements in computer intelligence and predictive analytics it may not be long before you see an automated machine in your office demoting female employees for becoming pregnant whether humiliating subordinates with unwanted sexual comments or automatically filtering out résumés from people with middle eastern last names trends in technological development suggest that an increasingly computerized workforce will soon be enforcing inequality in office environments with far greater proficiency and costeffectiveness than human labor
people think that automated workplace discrimination is still far off in the future when truthfully its right around the corner said stanford computer scientist dr oliver thorpe who spearheaded the new study were already at the point with facial recognition software where it can identify which genders and races should be passed up for leadership roles with far greater accuracy than humans and technologies like this are only getting better and cheaper by the day
with intelligent algorithms becoming rapidly more sophisticated and capable virtually every industry can soon expect to begin replacing humans with machines that can oppress minorities senior citizens and other subjugated people groups with unprecedented efficiency and accuracy within years marketavailable computers will have the ability to grossly neglect the needs of disabled workers and make them feel like burdens within years roving automatons will travel about openplan offices smacking female subordinates buttocks with their carbonfiber paddle attachments adeptly wielding their power in such a way as to avoid consequences
some believe that machines will never be able to fully replicate the complexity and intuitiveness of human onthejob prejudice but employers will likely be willing to sacrifice that human touch for the sake of their bottom line thorpe notes that maintaining a fuckedup culture of occupational disparity is expensive and as soon as companies realize that they can enlist semiautonomous robots to mistreat their employees at a fraction of the cost theyll be lining up to install them in offices nationwide
only time will tell whether or not the human workers who have so dutifully carried out discriminatory business practices for decades get laid off or reassigned but one thing is for sure the american office is about to look way different | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3465/1/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life preparing change woman scrambling experience much human dignity possible trump administration takes power | email automation workplace bring new levels efficiency employee happiness also mean human workers lose jobs favor robotic replacements matter stance cuttingedge technology office doubt swiftly approaching reality according new study released stanford university americans expect percent workplace discrimination fully automated future coming coming fast thanks recent advancements computer intelligence predictive analytics may long see automated machine office demoting female employees becoming pregnant whether humiliating subordinates unwanted sexual comments automatically filtering résumés people middle eastern last names trends technological development suggest increasingly computerized workforce soon enforcing inequality office environments far greater proficiency costeffectiveness human labor people think automated workplace discrimination still far future truthfully right around corner said stanford computer scientist dr oliver thorpe spearheaded new study already point facial recognition software identify genders races passed leadership roles far greater accuracy humans technologies like getting better cheaper day intelligent algorithms becoming rapidly sophisticated capable virtually every industry soon expect begin replacing humans machines oppress minorities senior citizens subjugated people groups unprecedented efficiency accuracy within years marketavailable computers ability grossly neglect needs disabled workers make feel like burdens within years roving automatons travel openplan offices smacking female subordinates buttocks carbonfiber paddle attachments adeptly wielding power way avoid consequences believe machines never able fully replicate complexity intuitiveness human onthejob prejudice employers likely willing sacrifice human touch sake bottom line thorpe notes maintaining fuckedup culture occupational disparity expensive soon companies realize enlist semiautonomous robots mistreat employees fraction cost theyll lining install offices nationwide time tell whether human workers dutifully carried discriminatory business practices decades get laid reassigned one thing sure american office look way different | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-15T18:16:59.191+02:00 | life animal rights win the san diego zoo has taped telescopes to all of their animals heads so that they can look at the planets | ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day let me save you the trip to imdb i was in frostnixon oliver platt unprompted people always ask me whether i come up with lyrics or the melody first the truth is i come up with the faces ill make when i belt out the high notes alicia keys on crafting her music peeling the plastic off new computer monitors is the only thing that keeps me going anymore i have a warehouse full of them but when that warehouse is empty i mean who knows tim cook | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3465/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life animal rights win san diego zoo taped telescopes animals heads look planets | ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day let save trip imdb frostnixon oliver platt unprompted people always ask whether come lyrics melody first truth come faces ill make belt high notes alicia keys crafting music peeling plastic new computer monitors thing keeps going anymore warehouse full warehouse empty mean knows tim cook | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-15T18:17:00.044+02:00 | news office of the future researchers predict that over percent of workplace discrimination will be automated by | email several months ago we published a list of irreverent photoshops depicting the thenpresidential candidate donald trump as a bald man in several humiliating contexts we understood that these images were a bit crass and promised to remove them if trump were to win the election as a sign of respect for the office of the united states presidency true to our word we tried to take these pictures down as soon as trump was elected but unfortunately we havent been able to figure out how to delete this article from our website once content is published to our homepage it seems to be stuck there though we cannot delete the bald photoshops we have been able to stretch out donald trumps face all wide so that you cant even tell hes the one in the pictures we hope this serves as an adequate temporary solution until we find a way to take these unbecoming images down completely at the current time we are comfortable posting this picture with the caption my bald spot is absolutely yuge alongside it but should trump assume the esteemed office of president in the fall we would immediately remove it
we apologize that we werent able to remove this disrespectful picture of our presidentelect completely but we did what we could and stretched it out all wide you can barely tell its donald trump regardless of whatever political views you hold it is disrespectful to show a picture of the commanderinchief along with a caption like so this is what that pile of straw on his head is for
were talking with our programmers now to figure out a way to delete these images from the web hopefully they will develop a method for doing so in the near future in the meantime we have preserved the dignity of presidentelect trump by stretching his face out and making his eyes huge nobody will be able to recognize that the man in this image is our new president of course it would still be fine to disagree with president trump if you dont support his policies a healthy democracy allows dissent and debate however implying that the president wears a toupee when there is no evidence that he does is a crass breach of proper decorum
the presidency is the most hallowed office in our nation and it is worthy of reverence and decorum at all times ideally this image of donald trumps toupee flying off in the wind would no longer be on our website since this is currently impossible weve used the magic of photoshop to make his head very tall and thin his identity is obscured this bald man could be anybody no matter who is president you address them as sir not donald the hutt we would quickly remove this if the american people choose trump on november
this degrading photoshop of president trumps face on jabba the hutts body is immature and degrading and wed remove it if we could since we currently dont know how weve at least given him a tie to wear to imbue him with the poise and decorum the presidency confers on all who hold that hallowed office comparing president trump to adolf hitler would remain a valid political commentary but making him bald in addition is completely uncalled for if donald trump is elected we promise to restore his normal hair to this image
now that the american electorate has chosen donald trump to lead our nation this image depicting him as a bald adolf hitler has become an unsubtle and tactless political statement that does not meet our exacting editorial standards weve given presidentelect trump his hair back in an effort to restore his dignity for now let us enjoy this humorous photoshop and its accompanying caption i am going to build a wig and mexico is going to pay for it during a trump presidency it would no longer have a place in the national discourse
all right thats all of them weve stretched out presidentelect donald trumps face all wide so that nobody will know that he is the bald man in this picture hopefully well find a way to remove these pictures from our website but until then this will have to do | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3463/4/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news office future researchers predict percent workplace discrimination automated | email several months ago published list irreverent photoshops depicting thenpresidential candidate donald trump bald man several humiliating contexts understood images bit crass promised remove trump win election sign respect office united states presidency true word tried take pictures soon trump elected unfortunately havent able figure delete article website content published homepage seems stuck though cannot delete bald photoshops able stretch donald trumps face wide cant even tell hes one pictures hope serves adequate temporary solution find way take unbecoming images completely current time comfortable posting picture caption bald spot absolutely yuge alongside trump assume esteemed office president fall would immediately remove apologize werent able remove disrespectful picture presidentelect completely could stretched wide barely tell donald trump regardless whatever political views hold disrespectful show picture commanderinchief along caption like pile straw head talking programmers figure way delete images web hopefully develop method near future meantime preserved dignity presidentelect trump stretching face making eyes huge nobody able recognize man image new president course would still fine disagree president trump dont support policies healthy democracy allows dissent debate however implying president wears toupee evidence crass breach proper decorum presidency hallowed office nation worthy reverence decorum times ideally image donald trumps toupee flying wind would longer website since currently impossible weve used magic photoshop make head tall thin identity obscured bald man could anybody matter president address sir donald hutt would quickly remove american people choose trump november degrading photoshop president trumps face jabba hutts body immature degrading wed remove could since currently dont know weve least given tie wear imbue poise decorum presidency confers hold hallowed office comparing president trump adolf hitler would remain valid political commentary making bald addition completely uncalled donald trump elected promise restore normal hair image american electorate chosen donald trump lead nation image depicting bald adolf hitler become unsubtle tactless political statement meet exacting editorial standards weve given presidentelect trump hair back effort restore dignity let us enjoy humorous photoshop accompanying caption going build wig mexico going pay trump presidency would longer place national discourse right thats weve stretched presidentelect donald trumps face wide nobody know bald man picture hopefully well find way remove pictures website | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-15T13:00:00.000+02:00 | they said what find out what oliver platt alicia keys and tim cook have to say | email
it looks like presidentelect donald trump is wasting no time making his mark on washington hes already gotten to work appointing his new cabinet members and laying the groundwork for his new administration and if it wasnt already clear that things are going to be done trumps way for the next four years donald trump just whispered hope you like to make ham motherfucker to a white house executive chef
wow it looks like washington is going to be a very different place under president trump
those who witnessed the encounter say that during a recent visit to the white house trump caught sight of a highranking member of the white house kitchen waved him over and said come here let me talk to you a minute in a voice that was somehow both cordial and threatening when the chef got close to trump the presidentelect shook his hand pulled him close and began whispering that once he got sworn in the chef would be doing nothing but cooking him ham
members of the white house staff overheard the phrases ham is your life now idiot and i dont care what else you can cook i only want ham as trump whispered to the chef whose eyes grew wide with silent fear as he listened to what our nations newest president was telling him they also say that trump briefly smiled to wave to photographers before turning back to the chef with a dark and menacing expression on his face to continue whispering about ham
now thats the sign of a president who isnt afraid to shake things up
while many americans are deeply troubled by the bigoted rhetoric of trumps presidential campaign those who voted for him as a protest against the political establishment have got to be pretty happy about a story like this one no other president would grab a white house chef by the hand and whisper you live in ham world now motherfucker
and it seems as if presidentelect trump has a concrete plan in place as well trump didnt just tell the white house chef that he wanted ham in general he had specific types of ham that he wanted including baked ham smoked ham all the time and ham with frosting trump was also overheard telling the white house chef youre also going to be making something called a pork jackhammer which i just invented during the limo ride over here its incredibly dangerous to make and i want to eat it every day
it definitely looks like this is going to be a new era in washington you just know its not going to be business as usual in dc anymore when donald trump isnt afraid to look a white house chef right in the eye and say when i ask for chinese food that just means soy sauce on ham when i ask for sushi thats raw ham president trump will be eating barges of ham for breakfast lunch and dinner the moment i take the oath of office is the moment that your world becomes a porkfueled hellscape
people who voted for trump wanted a maverick and it looks like they got one
after about two minutes of whispering hamrelated threats trump stepped away from the chef and began smiling and waving at the surrounding press as if nothing had happened but his message was clear when donald trump becomes president hes going to play by his own rules and hes only going to eat ham if president trump has his way life in the white house might become completely unrecognizable | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3465/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find oliver platt alicia keys tim cook say | email looks like presidentelect donald trump wasting time making mark washington hes already gotten work appointing new cabinet members laying groundwork new administration wasnt already clear things going done trumps way next four years donald trump whispered hope like make ham motherfucker white house executive chef wow looks like washington going different place president trump witnessed encounter say recent visit white house trump caught sight highranking member white house kitchen waved said come let talk minute voice somehow cordial threatening chef got close trump presidentelect shook hand pulled close began whispering got sworn chef would nothing cooking ham members white house staff overheard phrases ham life idiot dont care else cook want ham trump whispered chef whose eyes grew wide silent fear listened nations newest president telling also say trump briefly smiled wave photographers turning back chef dark menacing expression face continue whispering ham thats sign president isnt afraid shake things many americans deeply troubled bigoted rhetoric trumps presidential campaign voted protest political establishment got pretty happy story like one president would grab white house chef hand whisper live ham world motherfucker seems presidentelect trump concrete plan place well trump didnt tell white house chef wanted ham general specific types ham wanted including baked ham smoked ham time ham frosting trump also overheard telling white house chef youre also going making something called pork jackhammer invented limo ride incredibly dangerous make want eat every day definitely looks like going new era washington know going business usual dc anymore donald trump isnt afraid look white house chef right eye say ask chinese food means soy sauce ham ask sushi thats raw ham president trump eating barges ham breakfast lunch dinner moment take oath office moment world becomes porkfueled hellscape people voted trump wanted maverick looks like got one two minutes whispering hamrelated threats trump stepped away chef began smiling waving surrounding press nothing happened message clear donald trump becomes president hes going play rules hes going eat ham president trump way life white house might become completely unrecognizable | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-15T19:23:15.331+02:00 | life we dont know how to take down these photoshops of bald donald trump so weve stretched his face out all wide so nobody can recognize its him | email
donald trumps inauguration may be months from now but it looks like his oval office transition is already well under way in addition to naming reince priebus his chief of staff and meeting with advisors on policy issues trump had to schedule in some time this week to go around to houses in the white houses neighborhood and inform residents that hes moving in down the street
looks like trump is not wasting any time preparing for his big move to pennsylvania avenuehello my name is donald trump and as a new resident in this community i am required to inform you that i have a history of sexually assaulting women said the presidentelect while standing on one of his new neighbors doorsteps in the past i have grabbed women inappropriately made multiple unwanted advances toward women and harassed women with vulgar and inflammatory language for this reason i have to go door to door telling residents of my new presence in the neighborhood sorry to bother you and have a nice day
after spending most of tuesday exploring potential cabinet picks trump was later spotted going around the white houses neighborhood and knocking on doors continuing to alert his new neighbors to his history of sexual assault standing awkwardly on front porches and avoiding eye contact trump promised local residents that he wouldnt cause any trouble for them or their families and planned to mostly keep to himself for the next four years as president of the united states he then finished the day by meeting with several economic advisors
itll be interesting to see what a trump presidency might look like as he spends the next few days crafting policy goals and reassuring his new neighbors that his motorcade will take alternate routes to ensure that he is never within a hundred yards of a school if he keeps making the rounds at this pace it wont be long before all of the residents of pennsylvania avenue have been made aware of his record of sexual assault
president obama still has a few more months left in the white house but pretty soon trump will be moving in so far the presidentelect seems determined to make that transition as smooth as possible for him his fellow republicans and the local residents whom he has been individually informing of his status as a sexual predator | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3466/4/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life dont know take photoshops bald donald trump weve stretched face wide nobody recognize | email donald trumps inauguration may months looks like oval office transition already well way addition naming reince priebus chief staff meeting advisors policy issues trump schedule time week go around houses white houses neighborhood inform residents hes moving street looks like trump wasting time preparing big move pennsylvania avenuehello name donald trump new resident community required inform history sexually assaulting women said presidentelect standing one new neighbors doorsteps past grabbed women inappropriately made multiple unwanted advances toward women harassed women vulgar inflammatory language reason go door door telling residents new presence neighborhood sorry bother nice day spending tuesday exploring potential cabinet picks trump later spotted going around white houses neighborhood knocking doors continuing alert new neighbors history sexual assault standing awkwardly front porches avoiding eye contact trump promised local residents wouldnt cause trouble families planned mostly keep next four years president united states finished day meeting several economic advisors itll interesting see trump presidency might look like spends next days crafting policy goals reassuring new neighbors motorcade take alternate routes ensure never within hundred yards school keeps making rounds pace wont long residents pennsylvania avenue made aware record sexual assault president obama still months left white house pretty soon trump moving far presidentelect seems determined make transition smooth possible fellow republicans local residents individually informing status sexual predator | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-15T21:05:03.756+02:00 | news a new era donald trump just whispered hope you like to make ham motherfucker to a white house chef | the king of scientific takedowns ndt doesnt mess around when he took down a climatechange denier on twitter when he was a guest on the late show with stephen colbert and claimed creationists have a right to their beliefs and i have a right to my belief that the most famous comet of all time is coming to send them all to early graves get ready for a peerreviewed ass clobbering at the hands of frozen ice and rock the time he went on a twitter rant about donald trump the time a guy was blocking his driveway the time someone called him ugly
holy crap looks like when neil gets pissed he gets really pissed we love you neil but please keep halleys comet up in space where it belongs | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3466/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news new era donald trump whispered hope like make ham motherfucker white house chef | king scientific takedowns ndt doesnt mess around took climatechange denier twitter guest late show stephen colbert claimed creationists right beliefs right belief famous comet time coming send early graves get ready peerreviewed ass clobbering hands frozen ice rock time went twitter rant donald trump time guy blocking driveway time someone called ugly holy crap looks like neil gets pissed gets really pissed love neil please keep halleys comet space belongs | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-16T22:46:52.808+02:00 | news first steps donald trump has to go around the white houses neighborhood letting residents know he is moving in down the street | citizens of the four corners of the world take heed and behold what horror descends upon us an unholy paradox has revealed itself within its walls utter chaos reigns this coffee shop is also an art gallery
insanity there can be no godly reason for such an abomination
lo for here the oceans shall fall out of sight and paintings shall be with coffee and coffee shall be with pastries the coming and going of a restroom key affixed to a wooden ladle marks the only indication that time passes as the mind sits frozen unable to comprehend
how can it be so what vile architect of insanity can have devised this place
a lumineers album plays in its entirety while patrons settle in to a collective nonchalance that suggests either total defeat or a complicity in this wickedness they offer nothing seated at their wooden tables typing on macbooks and drinking coffees as paintings leer from behind them elsewhere a father turns to son offering him a coffee as they admire a painting of nighthawks reimagined with coen brothers characters
truly this is bedlam
above the lattes art looms a lone merchant stands behind a concrete slab where two tip jars enjoin visitors to choose between sex pistols or the descendents but for what are we tipping
hot caffeinated broth sloshes above a chalkboard that favors a soup of the day and wifi password a small sticker that says marks an oil depiction of a sunset but on another wall a sunrise on canvas bears no marking at all could the latter be mere decoration and if everything has a price in this mayhem could it be that the paintings in the bathroom are also for sale
all sense has fled this place the mind knows when it has confronted something that simply cannot be
to comprehend such a chaotic nightmare is futile the boundary between earth and the netherworld is not separated by gates after all but a door and on that door a sign that says open daily from am to midnight bidding all enter and willingly fall to madness | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3467/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news first steps donald trump go around white houses neighborhood letting residents know moving street | citizens four corners world take heed behold horror descends upon us unholy paradox revealed within walls utter chaos reigns coffee shop also art gallery insanity godly reason abomination lo oceans shall fall sight paintings shall coffee coffee shall pastries coming going restroom key affixed wooden ladle marks indication time passes mind sits frozen unable comprehend vile architect insanity devised place lumineers album plays entirety patrons settle collective nonchalance suggests either total defeat complicity wickedness offer nothing seated wooden tables typing macbooks drinking coffees paintings leer behind elsewhere father turns son offering coffee admire painting nighthawks reimagined coen brothers characters truly bedlam lattes art looms lone merchant stands behind concrete slab two tip jars enjoin visitors choose sex pistols descendents tipping hot caffeinated broth sloshes chalkboard favors soup day wifi password small sticker says marks oil depiction sunset another wall sunrise canvas bears marking could latter mere decoration everything price mayhem could paintings bathroom also sale sense fled place mind knows confronted something simply cannot comprehend chaotic nightmare futile boundary earth netherworld separated gates door door sign says open daily midnight bidding enter willingly fall madness | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-16T22:46:54.372+02:00 | life times neil degrasse tyson threatened someone with halleys comet | email
get ready for the most cringeworthy story youre going to read all day
panasonic might be one of the largest electronics manufacturers in the world but after today they may find themselves struggling to stay afloat the companys president has been forced to resign in disgrace after panasonic tvs abruptly ascended to heaven without warning
well give you a minute to finish shaking your head
the scandal broke early last night when of the companys popular dxmodel flatscreen tvs from all over the world silently lifted off of the ground and despite their owners yelling at them to stop and trying to drag them back down to earth floated away from the mortal realm and into the kingdom of heaven to reside with the immortal seraphim for all eternity
yikes needless to say panasonic customers are not happy only a few minutes after the televisions began their skyward journey to the kingdom of god panasonic found themselves completely inundated with tweets like this
wow panasonic definitely wishes it could rewind the clock on this one chances are when youre trying to stay competitive as one of the worlds foremost electronics companies the last thing you want is for tens of thousands of your televisions to drift skyward into paradise
weve got to give credit where credit is due at least panasonic had the decency to admit that they let their customers down the company has issued a public apology and in a drastic move the president of the company kazuhiro tsuga chose to resign in the wake of this scandal speaking at a press conference this morning tsuga issued the following statement
after much consideration i have chosen to step down as the president of panasonic corp if i could i would travel to heaven and retrieve each and every one of these televisions i would kill any angel who tried to stop me from carrying these tvs out of paradise and returning them to our loyal panasonic customers on earth even if i saw god sitting on one of our missing dx flatscreens i would shove the lord off of the tv so that i could retrieve it for our customers unfortunately i do not have the power to travel to heaven and so i am left with no choice but to resign my position
tsugas resignation is a nice gesture but it doesnt bring back a swarm of televisions from heaven panasonics reputation has been severely tarnished by the rapturing of their televisions whoever steps up to become panasonics new president is going to have to do everything they can to prevent any of their products from ascending to heaven ever again | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3467/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life times neil degrasse tyson threatened someone halleys comet | email get ready cringeworthy story youre going read day panasonic might one largest electronics manufacturers world today may find struggling stay afloat companys president forced resign disgrace panasonic tvs abruptly ascended heaven without warning well give minute finish shaking head scandal broke early last night companys popular dxmodel flatscreen tvs world silently lifted ground despite owners yelling stop trying drag back earth floated away mortal realm kingdom heaven reside immortal seraphim eternity yikes needless say panasonic customers happy minutes televisions began skyward journey kingdom god panasonic found completely inundated tweets like wow panasonic definitely wishes could rewind clock one chances youre trying stay competitive one worlds foremost electronics companies last thing want tens thousands televisions drift skyward paradise weve got give credit credit due least panasonic decency admit let customers company issued public apology drastic move president company kazuhiro tsuga chose resign wake scandal speaking press conference morning tsuga issued following statement much consideration chosen step president panasonic corp could would travel heaven retrieve every one televisions would kill angel tried stop carrying tvs paradise returning loyal panasonic customers earth even saw god sitting one missing dx flatscreens would shove lord tv could retrieve customers unfortunately power travel heaven left choice resign position tsugas resignation nice gesture doesnt bring back swarm televisions heaven panasonics reputation severely tarnished rapturing televisions whoever steps become panasonics new president going everything prevent products ascending heaven ever | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-16T22:46:57.325+02:00 | life chaos this coffee shop is also an art gallery | ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day just because the king is the tallest piece doesnt mean its the tastiest magnus carlsen on stereotypes sometimes if an ambulance is blaring its sirens behind me while im driving ill think about swerving my car off the side of the road and smashing into a telephone pole to see if the paramedics will abandon the call theyre on to come and save me kate hudson on priorities dont talk to me before ive had my morning babycoffee thats coffee but diluted so its weak enough for babies im no babybut id sure like to play one in a movie tom hanks | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3467/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life chaos coffee shop also art gallery | ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day king tallest piece doesnt mean tastiest magnus carlsen stereotypes sometimes ambulance blaring sirens behind im driving ill think swerving car side road smashing telephone pole see paramedics abandon call theyre come save kate hudson priorities dont talk ive morning babycoffee thats coffee diluted weak enough babies im babybut id sure like play one movie tom hanks | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-16T22:46:59.354+02:00 | news pr disaster the president of panasonic has been forced to resign after panasonic tvs ascended to heaven without warning | email
oh how the mighty have fallen
its always an embarrassing moment when a highpowered executive suffers a scandal that forces him or her to resign but it looks like yet another head honcho is about to step into that humiliating spotlight after nearly a decade on the job the ceo of beans has officially stepped down following reports that there cannot be a ceo of beans
yikes talk about a fall from grace
patrick buckley was an ambitious leader as the ceo of beans often telling people that he was in charge of every single bean that came out of the dirt and even going so far as to print up business cards with ceo of beans listed right on the front with beans being such a common staple of diets worldwide a man in mr buckleys position may have seemed poised to become one of the most powerful people in the food industry but in the blink of an eye everything the executive had been working for came crashing down before him as reports began to circulate late last week that while bean manufacturers may have ceos its impossible for beans in general to have a ceo of their own
after a wonderful career at the helm of beans it has become apparent that there is no such thing as my job the scandalized ceo wrote in a brief statement to the press in light of this news that my position and my former role as director of garbanzo do not exist it seems prudent that i step down immediately i am proud of the work i have done for beans during my tenure and i look forward to continuing to prepare and eat beans in the future
as of this morning the board of directors of beans has accepted mr buckleys resignation and then the members promptly stepped down themselves amidst reports that beans cannot have a board of directors either
making matters worse the entire corporate structure of beans now finds itself crumbling from the top all the way down as an onslaught of new allegations indicate that beans as a relatively loose category of foods has never been and cannot be a staffable organization
wow its hard to imagine how mr buckley will ever bounce back from such a disgrace but hopefully he learns an important lesson from all this ceos take note your mistakes will always come back to haunt you | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3466/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news pr disaster president panasonic forced resign panasonic tvs ascended heaven without warning | email oh mighty fallen always embarrassing moment highpowered executive suffers scandal forces resign looks like yet another head honcho step humiliating spotlight nearly decade job ceo beans officially stepped following reports cannot ceo beans yikes talk fall grace patrick buckley ambitious leader ceo beans often telling people charge every single bean came dirt even going far print business cards ceo beans listed right front beans common staple diets worldwide man mr buckleys position may seemed poised become one powerful people food industry blink eye everything executive working came crashing reports began circulate late last week bean manufacturers may ceos impossible beans general ceo wonderful career helm beans become apparent thing job scandalized ceo wrote brief statement press light news position former role director garbanzo exist seems prudent step immediately proud work done beans tenure look forward continuing prepare eat beans future morning board directors beans accepted mr buckleys resignation members promptly stepped amidst reports beans cannot board directors either making matters worse entire corporate structure beans finds crumbling top way onslaught new allegations indicate beans relatively loose category foods never cannot staffable organization wow hard imagine mr buckley ever bounce back disgrace hopefully learns important lesson ceos take note mistakes always come back haunt | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-16T22:43:00.000+02:00 | they said what find out what magnus carlsen kate hudson and tom hanks have to say | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day emails are pretty much the only way to communicate these days talking is over with the second my grandma opens up her mouth to wish me a happy birthday i tell her send it in an email miles teller on email waves should be so big that only godzilla could surf on them he should be world champion and surfers should call him their friend the worlds big surf competition should be called godzilla grand prix kelly slater on surfing prince harry didnt want someone dating him just because hes a prince so for the first few months i was seeing him he wore a sack over his head and spoke in a low hiss saying only i am not a prince finally he pulled off the sack and said i am actually a prince i tried to act surprised but honestly id smelled that he was a prince the moment id met him meghan markle | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3466/7/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find magnus carlsen kate hudson tom hanks say | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day emails pretty much way communicate days talking second grandma opens mouth wish happy birthday tell send email miles teller email waves big godzilla could surf world champion surfers call friend worlds big surf competition called godzilla grand prix kelly slater surfing prince harry didnt want someone dating hes prince first months seeing wore sack head spoke low hiss saying prince finally pulled sack said actually prince tried act surprised honestly id smelled prince moment id met meghan markle | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-17T09:35:12.758+02:00 | news disgrace the ceo of beans has stepped down amid reports that there cant be a ceo of beans | email
if his campaign is any indication donald trumps presidency will usher in drastic regressive changes to immigration health care and womens rights in america in response angela bubash a woman who appears to be slightly misinformed about just what is likely to happen is rushing to stockpile enough deodorant to last her the next four years
well it seems like some wires got crossed somewhere but okay way to take action angela
in the days since trumps victory shes cleaned out the deodorant inventories of multiple omahaarea grocery stores apparently under the impression that deodorant will soon become much more difficult to acquire than it is now with the prospect of a menacing new world looming angela is taking some seemingly misguided precautions and buying up all the stick gel rollon and spray deodorant she can ahead of trumps inauguration ceremony on january
for whatever reason angela is also taking to facebook to encourage her peers to follow suit in stashing away lots of deodorant as soon as possible
wow its unclear how she came to the wellmeaning but mistaken conclusion that it was necessary to hoard hundreds of dollars worth of deodorant in preparation for trumps first term but its hard not to be impressed by how much deodorant angela has amassed in the past few days
even if shes a little off base here angela is showing the importance of not being complacent in the face of tyranny and we think thats awesome stay strong angela youll get through this | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3469/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news disgrace ceo beans stepped amid reports cant ceo beans | email campaign indication donald trumps presidency usher drastic regressive changes immigration health care womens rights america response angela bubash woman appears slightly misinformed likely happen rushing stockpile enough deodorant last next four years well seems like wires got crossed somewhere okay way take action angela days since trumps victory shes cleaned deodorant inventories multiple omahaarea grocery stores apparently impression deodorant soon become much difficult acquire prospect menacing new world looming angela taking seemingly misguided precautions buying stick gel rollon spray deodorant ahead trumps inauguration ceremony january whatever reason angela also taking facebook encourage peers follow suit stashing away lots deodorant soon possible wow unclear came wellmeaning mistaken conclusion necessary hoard hundreds dollars worth deodorant preparation trumps first term hard impressed much deodorant angela amassed past days even shes little base angela showing importance complacent face tyranny think thats awesome stay strong angela youll get | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-17T09:35:13.282+02:00 | they said what find out what miles teller kelly slater and meghan markle have to say | i had a garage sale today and a number of people came and bought stuff most of them left here are the ones who are still sticking around the guy who bought my lamp
i expected the guy who bought my lamp to leave after he bought my lamp but he did not leave he sat down on my lawn and started reading the newspaper i went up to him and asked him if he needed help with anything and he said nope been saving my appetite all day i didnt really know what that meant but someone had a question about my foosball table at that moment so i didnt have time to get clarification on that the couple who didnt buy anything but spent a lot of time browsing my box of national geographic sand then got in their car and took a nap
these people seemed really into my national geographic s so i was pretty surprised when they decided not to buy them i was also surprised when instead of leaving they just got in their car and started napping theyre still asleep and theres a little postit on their window that says wake us up when its ready the old woman who bought my vacuum
when the old lady who bought my vacuum offered to pay for my vacuum by vacuuming my house i thought it was a little odd but also kind of nice my place is a little dusty these days and definitely could use a good vacuuming so i said yes i wish that she had left after she finished vacuuming my house she is now in the kitchen and has been vacuuming the same corner for the last minutes plus she keeps chiming in on how to make the pasta sauce i have to admit she did a pretty good job cleaning my house though i dont know how to ask her to leave without sounding rude the lady who bought a plate a fork and a knife
i assumed this woman bought these items for her own home but its been three hours and she is just standing by the front door sneaking peeks at the kitchen through the window this is becoming stressful the kid who bought my toaster even though i told him it was broken and then handed me a list of his allergies
when this kid asked me how much i wanted for the toaster i was upfront about the fact that it was broken but that didnt matter to him he bought the thing for cents and then handed me a list of allergies he had now he is sitting out on the lawn along with the guy who bought my lamp and i think theyre working on a crossword puzzle together i really dont think i have enough ingredients to make food for all these people also there are a lot of allergies on this list the older gentleman who brought a raw steak to my garage sale and then bought a coatrack
i dont know why the old man who bought the coatrack brought a raw steak to my garage sale after he purchased the coatrack he placed the raw steak in a dish to marinate then put it in my garage fridge i asked him what he was doing and he said gotta marinate this bad boy for dos horas compadre buon appetito he is still here and his steak is still marinating overall id say the garage sale itself was a success because i made about but it ended hours ago and all these people have not left yet and i dont know what to do | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3469/3/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find miles teller kelly slater meghan markle say | garage sale today number people came bought stuff left ones still sticking around guy bought lamp expected guy bought lamp leave bought lamp leave sat lawn started reading newspaper went asked needed help anything said nope saving appetite day didnt really know meant someone question foosball table moment didnt time get clarification couple didnt buy anything spent lot time browsing box national geographic sand got car took nap people seemed really national geographic pretty surprised decided buy also surprised instead leaving got car started napping theyre still asleep theres little postit window says wake us ready old woman bought vacuum old lady bought vacuum offered pay vacuum vacuuming house thought little odd also kind nice place little dusty days definitely could use good vacuuming said yes wish left finished vacuuming house kitchen vacuuming corner last minutes plus keeps chiming make pasta sauce admit pretty good job cleaning house though dont know ask leave without sounding rude lady bought plate fork knife assumed woman bought items home three hours standing front door sneaking peeks kitchen window becoming stressful kid bought toaster even though told broken handed list allergies kid asked much wanted toaster upfront fact broken didnt matter bought thing cents handed list allergies sitting lawn along guy bought lamp think theyre working crossword puzzle together really dont think enough ingredients make food people also lot allergies list older gentleman brought raw steak garage sale bought coatrack dont know old man bought coatrack brought raw steak garage sale purchased coatrack placed raw steak dish marinate put garage fridge asked said gotta marinate bad boy dos horas compadre buon appetito still steak still marinating overall id say garage sale success made ended hours ago people left yet dont know | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-18T01:56:19.827+02:00 | life this slightly misinformed woman is buying up as much deodorant as she can for the next four years | email ever wonder whats on the mind of todays most notable people well dont miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day crush your bottles and cans before you recycle them so no birds make any homes in them before theyre melted down lupita nyongo on recycling tips for my latest role i play a banker so ive been preparing by going to the bank every morning and asking if i can be the boss of the bank when they say yes i will consider myself ready daniel daylewis on acting if they ever make another indiana jones video game there should be a level where the whip develops a mind of its own and you have to hack it into little pieces as it bounces around whipping people harrison ford | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3470/6/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life slightly misinformed woman buying much deodorant next four years | email ever wonder whats mind todays notable people well dont miss unbelievable roundup best talked quotes day crush bottles cans recycle birds make homes theyre melted lupita nyongo recycling tips latest role play banker ive preparing going bank every morning asking boss bank say yes consider ready daniel daylewis acting ever make another indiana jones video game level whip develops mind hack little pieces bounces around whipping people harrison ford | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-17T22:28:00.000+02:00 | life people who came to my garage sale who seem to be sticking around for dinner | email
the cruelty of factory farms is a daily nightmare for billions of animals but that might soon start to change thanks to a forwardthinking initiative by one of the biggest names in the meat industry in a humane act of compassion for their livestock the oscar mayer company now requires its pork suppliers to give their pigs one thrilling sexual experience before sending them to slaughter
its pretty difficult to overstate what a huge leap forward this is for animal rights
the details of the new policy are extremely promising once a pig reaches sexual maturity factory workers must lather it in a warming lubricant and place it in an outdoor pen where it will encounter dozens of sows in heat and boars specially bred to produce voluptuously potent pheromone levels the pigs will then be encouraged to partake in any variety of sowonboar sowonsow boaronboar or autoerotic swineplay they prefer only after theyve bellowed long guttural squeals of satisfaction will these pigs be killed processed and separated into their desirable parts for human consumption
conscious consumers can rest assured oscar mayer pork will have been treated to full prostate and teat stimulation via doubleprodded toys clamps and strategically placed ice cubes before being sent to the slaughterhouse farmers will even have to install sprinklers emitting warm hog urine for any pig who might be into that
wow it seems like oscar mayer is truly dedicated to setting a new bar for ethical animal treatment
to put this in perspective not even freerange operations keep pig behavior specialists onsite to spot hogs nearing ejaculation and pull them away in order to temporarily evade orgasm thereby extending the hogs arousal and making their eventual climaxes that much more explosive for a household meat brand like oscar mayer to endorse this kind of practice is a really really big deal
before slaughter we intend to treat our pigs to nothing less than the absolute highest order of hoofshattering orgasms said oscar mayer president mark magnesen in a press release our commitment to the wellbeing of animals means ensuring that no pig reaches an abbatoir without first experiencing a flesh romp so sensational it causes their numbing limbs to buckle under fullbodied tailtosnout pleasure
just yes even peta has to admit that this is a great new direction for pork producers
taste tests held by the company revealed that customers unanimously preferred meat from sexually gratified pigs over meat from pigs raised under typical factoryfarm stresses interested in trying some yourself or just want to support the cause look for the special label theyve created to specify that their products came from a pig they made squeal in wanton rapture
well it looks like oscar mayer is finally getting on the right side of animal rights history this is exactly the thoughtful kind of action consumers want to see food companies enact they could have easily just asked suppliers to masturbate a few pigs to completion and called it change but the level of care theyre pouring into these bacchanalian thrills shows that theyre truly making animal welfare a priority
any progress for farm animals is welcome progress and hopefully this is a sign of even better living conditions to come one blowout circus of carnal delights is the least they can do for these pigs | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3469/7/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life people came garage sale seem sticking around dinner | email cruelty factory farms daily nightmare billions animals might soon start change thanks forwardthinking initiative one biggest names meat industry humane act compassion livestock oscar mayer company requires pork suppliers give pigs one thrilling sexual experience sending slaughter pretty difficult overstate huge leap forward animal rights details new policy extremely promising pig reaches sexual maturity factory workers must lather warming lubricant place outdoor pen encounter dozens sows heat boars specially bred produce voluptuously potent pheromone levels pigs encouraged partake variety sowonboar sowonsow boaronboar autoerotic swineplay prefer theyve bellowed long guttural squeals satisfaction pigs killed processed separated desirable parts human consumption conscious consumers rest assured oscar mayer pork treated full prostate teat stimulation via doubleprodded toys clamps strategically placed ice cubes sent slaughterhouse farmers even install sprinklers emitting warm hog urine pig might wow seems like oscar mayer truly dedicated setting new bar ethical animal treatment put perspective even freerange operations keep pig behavior specialists onsite spot hogs nearing ejaculation pull away order temporarily evade orgasm thereby extending hogs arousal making eventual climaxes much explosive household meat brand like oscar mayer endorse kind practice really really big deal slaughter intend treat pigs nothing less absolute highest order hoofshattering orgasms said oscar mayer president mark magnesen press release commitment wellbeing animals means ensuring pig reaches abbatoir without first experiencing flesh romp sensational causes numbing limbs buckle fullbodied tailtosnout pleasure yes even peta admit great new direction pork producers taste tests held company revealed customers unanimously preferred meat sexually gratified pigs meat pigs raised typical factoryfarm stresses interested trying want support cause look special label theyve created specify products came pig made squeal wanton rapture well looks like oscar mayer finally getting right side animal rights history exactly thoughtful kind action consumers want see food companies enact could easily asked suppliers masturbate pigs completion called change level care theyre pouring bacchanalian thrills shows theyre truly making animal welfare priority progress farm animals welcome progress hopefully sign even better living conditions come one blowout circus carnal delights least pigs | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-18T13:00:00.000+02:00 | they said what find out what lupita nyongo daniel daylewis and harrison ford have to say | email the social network is an awardwinning film about facebook written by aaron sorkin it is the story of how the gorgeous mark zuckerberg stole the incredible website facebookcom from the incredible wonderful and intelligent and horrendous winklevoss twins when you are done watching the social network you will be curious about many things from the movie and zero seconds after the end credits roll you will begin using google to find answers to your social networkrelated questions how many of these things did you google immediately after watching the social network take this quiz to find out please check off all of the phrases you googled immediately after you finished watching the social network did mark zuckerberg teach aaron sorkin to swim as a reward for making the social network should winklevoss twins actors eat winklevoss twins real is it legal to sue mark zuckerberg if my cousin bit my thumb off while the social network was playing in a different room of the house mark zuckerberg hair for sale donkey food feed mark zuckerberg hair to donkey will mark zuckerbergs hair kill my donkey or make my donkey louder foods that will make jesse eisenberg a baby again jesse eisenberg infant at last once more again baby jesse eisenberg facebook aaron sorkin yelling jail for sorkin did aaron sorkin call the sun his wife aaron sorkin says the sun is my wife video aaron sorkin pointing to the sun and saying there goes my wife the sun she bit me what is the name of the left winklevoss twin are the winklevoss twins allowed to hide from each other if the winklevoss twins hide from each other are the police legally required to go to aaron sorkins house and cut him in half with a sword and then say we did this because the winklevoss twins hid from each other did my wife switch religions while i was watching the social network wife religion different after the social network new god for wife after facebook movie wife neglects christ because of aaron sorkin windowless church of unknown purpose becomes my wifes home after zuckerberg flick jesse eisenberg on a ladder eyes open mark zuckerberg edward snowden are father and son does peter thiel have a jackal noise inside of him peter thiel haunted by jackals jackal god chases peter thiel through the grocery store peter thiel calling terminex to rid house of immortal jackals audio only jesse eisenberg gold chain allergy sequel to the social network is coming out during which olympics pics of winklevoss twins breaking a wishbone winklevoss twins buying huge bag of wishbones no meat video commentary mark zuckerberg ultimate roller rink disappearance guyz tiny eyez winklevoss twins switch brains every time they shake hands which winklevoss man is going to heaven how good are you at using google to find out about gorgeous zuckerberg and his movie results for how many of these things did you google immediately after watching the social network via columbia pictures youve never google anything after watching the social network i have news that will make grief your emperor you do not ever google even one thing after you watch the social network when the movie is finished you think i have solved all of the riddles of this film and there are no further mysteries about gorgeous zuckerberg that i need to solve then you go to sleep and dream the indecipherable nightmares of the willfully ignorant when the universe starts over again and you are born for the seventh time please try to google more things after you watch the social network share your results | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3470/4/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | said find lupita nyongo daniel daylewis harrison ford say | email social network awardwinning film facebook written aaron sorkin story gorgeous mark zuckerberg stole incredible website facebookcom incredible wonderful intelligent horrendous winklevoss twins done watching social network curious many things movie zero seconds end credits roll begin using google find answers social networkrelated questions many things google immediately watching social network take quiz find please check phrases googled immediately finished watching social network mark zuckerberg teach aaron sorkin swim reward making social network winklevoss twins actors eat winklevoss twins real legal sue mark zuckerberg cousin bit thumb social network playing different room house mark zuckerberg hair sale donkey food feed mark zuckerberg hair donkey mark zuckerbergs hair kill donkey make donkey louder foods make jesse eisenberg baby jesse eisenberg infant last baby jesse eisenberg facebook aaron sorkin yelling jail sorkin aaron sorkin call sun wife aaron sorkin says sun wife video aaron sorkin pointing sun saying goes wife sun bit name left winklevoss twin winklevoss twins allowed hide winklevoss twins hide police legally required go aaron sorkins house cut half sword say winklevoss twins hid wife switch religions watching social network wife religion different social network new god wife facebook movie wife neglects christ aaron sorkin windowless church unknown purpose becomes wifes home zuckerberg flick jesse eisenberg ladder eyes open mark zuckerberg edward snowden father son peter thiel jackal noise inside peter thiel haunted jackals jackal god chases peter thiel grocery store peter thiel calling terminex rid house immortal jackals audio jesse eisenberg gold chain allergy sequel social network coming olympics pics winklevoss twins breaking wishbone winklevoss twins buying huge bag wishbones meat video commentary mark zuckerberg ultimate roller rink disappearance guyz tiny eyez winklevoss twins switch brains every time shake hands winklevoss man going heaven good using google find gorgeous zuckerberg movie results many things google immediately watching social network via columbia pictures youve never google anything watching social network news make grief emperor ever google even one thing watch social network movie finished think solved riddles film mysteries gorgeous zuckerberg need solve go sleep dream indecipherable nightmares willfully ignorant universe starts born seventh time please try google things watch social network share results | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-18T20:10:25.886+02:00 | news animal welfare ftw oscar mayer now requires pork producers to give their pigs one thrilling sexual experience before sending them to slaughter | email it only takes one misstep to ruin an applepicking trip for everyone why not brush up on these applepicking rules so you dont end up in the punishment orchard
dont climb the trees apple trees are for picking not climbing fail to heed this rule and you might just find yourself stuck in the cruel autumn shadow of the punishment orchard swinging from a tree branch in the regular orchard wont seem worth it once youre lashed to a hayride and dumped in the middle of this sprawling acre wasteland where the fog never lifts and the apples are all way too hot to pick
twist dont pull heads up pulling an apple can inadvertently knock down other fruit and risks damaging the tree better to carefully twist the apple upwards than be consigned to the punishment orchards sea of wet beige trees with no end in sight keep this rule in mind and you will never get trapped in the pitchblack sap oozing out of all the trees nor will you be driven mad by the winds that constantly whisper a summary of dale earnhardts death
dont waste fruit the stench of bleach and pennies will be the surefire sign that your decision to just toss imperfect apples onto the ground of the normal orchard has landed you in the wicked seething grove of the punishment orchard a chorus of middleaged men shrouded by crude scarecrow masks will taunt you with their vexing rhyme we are the men who have picked before your hands are bags your days no more looking down condemned travelers will realize the infectious verse has replaced their hands with reusable grocery bags and they can no longer remember important birthdays
dont eat the apples until youve paid youll want to pay upfront if you dont want to wake up in the wicker prison at the base of the tree of despair a beige monstrosity whose sprawling tendrils lie directly under the approach path of the regional airport you must sit in your atonement basket while the depraved orphaned children of the punishment orchard throw scalding apples at your head as part of one of their simpleminded religious rituals
dont pick outside the designated areas follow the clearly posted signs in sunny and cheerful normal orchard and you should be fine wanderers will have their names recorded on the punishment orchards ledger of bad deeds a shameful blight that nearly cost william rehnquist his appointment to the supreme court in then they will be given incorrect directions which will only send them deeper into the bowels of the punishment orchard where the cider warden bathes himself in bleach and spare change even years after a stay in the punishment orchard the smell of either of these items will send you into a vivid vietnam flashback regardless of whether or not you fought in vietnam
no running its natural to let the excitement of apple picking get the best of you just dont be surprised if you draw the ire of the punishment picker setting aside his chisel and cigar he will take an afternoon off from making sculptures of mussolini having a great time in order to make a sculpture of you getting stung by a bee your cries of remorse will be drowned out by the children of the punishment orchard cheering gather your coins friends the punishment man of the forest has taken a day off of sculpting a happy mussolini in order to immortalize a delinquent being humiliated by a bee
happy picking | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3472/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | news animal welfare ftw oscar mayer requires pork producers give pigs one thrilling sexual experience sending slaughter | email takes one misstep ruin applepicking trip everyone brush applepicking rules dont end punishment orchard dont climb trees apple trees picking climbing fail heed rule might find stuck cruel autumn shadow punishment orchard swinging tree branch regular orchard wont seem worth youre lashed hayride dumped middle sprawling acre wasteland fog never lifts apples way hot pick twist dont pull heads pulling apple inadvertently knock fruit risks damaging tree better carefully twist apple upwards consigned punishment orchards sea wet beige trees end sight keep rule mind never get trapped pitchblack sap oozing trees driven mad winds constantly whisper summary dale earnhardts death dont waste fruit stench bleach pennies surefire sign decision toss imperfect apples onto ground normal orchard landed wicked seething grove punishment orchard chorus middleaged men shrouded crude scarecrow masks taunt vexing rhyme men picked hands bags days looking condemned travelers realize infectious verse replaced hands reusable grocery bags longer remember important birthdays dont eat apples youve paid youll want pay upfront dont want wake wicker prison base tree despair beige monstrosity whose sprawling tendrils lie directly approach path regional airport must sit atonement basket depraved orphaned children punishment orchard throw scalding apples head part one simpleminded religious rituals dont pick outside designated areas follow clearly posted signs sunny cheerful normal orchard fine wanderers names recorded punishment orchards ledger bad deeds shameful blight nearly cost william rehnquist appointment supreme court given incorrect directions send deeper bowels punishment orchard cider warden bathes bleach spare change even years stay punishment orchard smell either items send vivid vietnam flashback regardless whether fought vietnam running natural let excitement apple picking get best dont surprised draw ire punishment picker setting aside chisel cigar take afternoon making sculptures mussolini great time order make sculpture getting stung bee cries remorse drowned children punishment orchard cheering gather coins friends punishment man forest taken day sculpting happy mussolini order immortalize delinquent humiliated bee happy picking | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-18T20:10:26.768+02:00 | quiz how many of these things did you google immediately after watching the social network | check off all the home remedies for a cold you have tried keeping your eyes closed while you raise both eyebrows and moan dunking your head in a boilinghot toilet sneezing into a glass of bleach then reinhaling all the dead germs touching plymouth rock having a healthy person whisper the words goodbye sickness directly into your nasal passage pinching off your organs until you isolate the one thats causing the cold then permanently tying it off hot bowl of quarters trading in gold for cash dedicating your life to christ trusty jobcreating coal eating an entire loaf of bread sitting down for a little while longer laying a warm washcloth on your bumper and driving south get results results for how many of these home remedies for a cold have you tried you have tried all of the known home remedies for a cold the good news is that you have tried all the home remedies for a cold the bad news is that it sounds like none of them worked and if thats true then there can be no two ways about it you are going to die of this cold rough luck share your results | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3471/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | quiz many things google immediately watching social network | check home remedies cold tried keeping eyes closed raise eyebrows moan dunking head boilinghot toilet sneezing glass bleach reinhaling dead germs touching plymouth rock healthy person whisper words goodbye sickness directly nasal passage pinching organs isolate one thats causing cold permanently tying hot bowl quarters trading gold cash dedicating life christ trusty jobcreating coal eating entire loaf bread sitting little longer laying warm washcloth bumper driving south get results results many home remedies cold tried tried known home remedies cold good news tried home remedies cold bad news sounds like none worked thats true two ways going die cold rough luck share results | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-18T20:10:28.397+02:00 | life applepicking nonos to avoid if you dont want to end up in the punishment orchard | email
get ready for the most heartwarming story youll read all day
if you met paul langdon or ayesha qamar on the street you might think they have nothing in common paul is a retired firefighter ayesha is a law student paul has lived in the same suburb of columbus for his entire life ayesha immigrated to ohio from pakistan when she was a teen paul is a devout christian ayesha is muslim but if you dig a little deeper youll find that they share a common bond both paul and ayesha have trump painted on their garages
beautiful take a look at the sidebyside pictures above to see just how similar these two really are
when donald trump announced his campaign last summer paul knew he wanted to show his support by painting a large sign of the candidates name on his garage door but paul probably never would have guessed that one year later just a few towns over from him ayeshas own garage would be painted with literally the exact same word paul and ayesha may be from totally different walks of life but when it comes to the name currently painted on their garages these two have more in common than they ever could have imagined
at the end of the day it doesnt matter whether their skin is white or brown it doesnt matter whether they worship god or allah and it doesnt matter whether the word trump has been carefully lettered or hastily scrawled across the garage in brusque spray paint all that matters is the commonality they share in having the word trump painted on their homes for the entire neighborhood to see
amazing it just goes to show you should never judge a book by its cover
at a time when our country feels so divided stories like this one give us hope for humanity on the surface paul and ayesha couldnt be more different but the messages painted or spraypainted across their garages are one in the same what an amazing reminder that were not so different after all | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3470/8/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life applepicking nonos avoid dont want end punishment orchard | email get ready heartwarming story youll read day met paul langdon ayesha qamar street might think nothing common paul retired firefighter ayesha law student paul lived suburb columbus entire life ayesha immigrated ohio pakistan teen paul devout christian ayesha muslim dig little deeper youll find share common bond paul ayesha trump painted garages beautiful take look sidebyside pictures see similar two really donald trump announced campaign last summer paul knew wanted show support painting large sign candidates name garage door paul probably never would guessed one year later towns ayeshas garage would painted literally exact word paul ayesha may totally different walks life comes name currently painted garages two common ever could imagined end day doesnt matter whether skin white brown doesnt matter whether worship god allah doesnt matter whether word trump carefully lettered hastily scrawled across garage brusque spray paint matters commonality share word trump painted homes entire neighborhood see amazing goes show never judge book cover time country feels divided stories like one give us hope humanity surface paul ayesha couldnt different messages painted spraypainted across garages one amazing reminder different | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-18T20:10:28.639+02:00 | quiz how many of these home remedies for a cold have you tried | email
as a parent you always have to be aware of what lessons your child is learning from the world around him or her i know that i wont be able to protect my yearold james from every bad thing out there but on a recent trip to the grocery store i was utterly appalled by a disturbing trend our country has become desensitized to violence in hotsauce names and its a big problem
you cant walk down your grocers sauce isle without being bombarded by hotsauce names that romanticize violence tears of blood nuclear bombardment chile extract and death on the toilet have become standard fare in the hotsauce industry an innocent trip to purchase a simple bottle of ketchup now subliminally exposes shoppers and our impressionable children to dozens of gruesome descriptions of burning flesh brutal deaths and massive ass damage
as soon as the hotsauce industry agreed it was okay to allow names like cremation in a bottle pepper sauce and ass grave cajun sauce to appear on store shelves any shred of decency went out the window an arms race began to see who could come up with the most violent and gory sauce name society be damned and it needs to stop before our children internalize these sorts of brutal names as the norm for hotsauce labels
hot sauce has always been hot but the names used to imply the hotness without going into the graphic detail you see today
i took my son james to my favorite mexican restaurant this past weekend and he didnt even blink when he saw a bottle with volcanic crucification written out in flames if he isnt bothered by this whos to say if he would even think twice if he one day saw a hot sauce called ghost pepper throat thresher
i pray that we correct course in this country before anyone decides to make that hot sauce
it wasnt always like this hot sauce has always been hot but the names used to imply the hotness without going into the graphic detail you see today names like franks red hot let you know you were in for some serious heat but left something to the imagination but there is no longer a moral standard for hotsauce names now all it takes to begin leading a child down a bad path is for them to glance at a sauce bottle in a friends refrigerator door
whether its screaming suicide moruga scorpion sauce or habanero holocaust sauce the lengths to which todays sauces are going to outdo one another with disturbingly violent names has gotten out of control and if youre a parent you know that we must do something to stop this before its too late for our children | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3470/9/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | quiz many home remedies cold tried | email parent always aware lessons child learning world around know wont able protect yearold james every bad thing recent trip grocery store utterly appalled disturbing trend country become desensitized violence hotsauce names big problem cant walk grocers sauce isle without bombarded hotsauce names romanticize violence tears blood nuclear bombardment chile extract death toilet become standard fare hotsauce industry innocent trip purchase simple bottle ketchup subliminally exposes shoppers impressionable children dozens gruesome descriptions burning flesh brutal deaths massive ass damage soon hotsauce industry agreed okay allow names like cremation bottle pepper sauce ass grave cajun sauce appear store shelves shred decency went window arms race began see could come violent gory sauce name society damned needs stop children internalize sorts brutal names norm hotsauce labels hot sauce always hot names used imply hotness without going graphic detail see today took son james favorite mexican restaurant past weekend didnt even blink saw bottle volcanic crucification written flames isnt bothered whos say would even think twice one day saw hot sauce called ghost pepper throat thresher pray correct course country anyone decides make hot sauce wasnt always like hot sauce always hot names used imply hotness without going graphic detail see today names like franks red hot let know serious heat left something imagination longer moral standard hotsauce names takes begin leading child bad path glance sauce bottle friends refrigerator door whether screaming suicide moruga scorpion sauce habanero holocaust sauce lengths todays sauces going outdo one another disturbingly violent names gotten control youre parent know must something stop late children | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-18T21:45:28.657+02:00 | life finding common ground this white man and this muslim woman both have trump painted on their garages | email jane goodall has dedicated her life to studying primates and the insights she has gained into our evolutionary ancestors are truly powerful prepare to have your breath taken away by dr goodalls words
chimps will betray their own to get their hands on italian food as with all chimps the ones i studied in gombe were absolutely obsessed with italian food and would go to extraordinary lengths to get their hands on some one day the troops alpha male whom i called goliath managed to acquire a plate of linguine humphrey a younger male saw goliaths linguine and became incredibly jealous he offered to give goliath his most prized possessiona vacant hornet nest that he enjoyed having sex within exchange for the linguine but goliath declined as he already had a hornet nest of his own desperate to eat the linguine humphrey threw some pebbles to divert goliaths attention then snuck up behind him and ripped his head off allowing him to take the italian food from his superior it was a gruesome yet utterly fascinating scene
when chimpanzee communities encounter a japanese researcher they will try to put them in jail my colleague dr kiyoshi yamamoto discovered this when chimps dragged him from his tent in the middle of the night down to the local prison the apes would then approach the towns sheriff with their hands out expecting a food reward it was truly shocking to learn that chimpanzees are capable of such things nature is not always pretty
most chimps can vocalize the phrase oh no they like to yell it while they defecate chimps dont like it when you blow up one of their family members with a grenade one of my young researchers sofia manfredi discovered this after rolling an active grenade into a ditch where several male siblings were sharing a lunch of termites and soup the grenade exploded the youngest one into a red mist of viscera and bone and curiously the other brothers seemed to become rather disheartened
chimps revere hippos when they become aware of a hippo in the vicinity chimps stop whatever theyre doing and take turns honoring the beast they bring offerings of plump salamanders crushed soda cans and other treasures theyve found in the dirt and they join together in an angelic chorus of growls to soothe the hippo new mothers will rub their infants against the hippos groin to bless them with his virility the troops elders will break off their incisors with a rock and fashion a crude crown of teeth for the hippo to wear if the hippo becomes aggressive towards them they do not resist in fact it is an honor for them to be crushed by the hippo and they will often place their heads on the ground next to his hooves in hopes that he might accidentally stomp their skulls flat
if a chimp dunks its head into a bucket of horchata for an hour it will die whenever chimps discover a large pail of horchata in the forest the eldest female of the group will approach it and slowly lower her head into the liquid remaining there for an hour or more until another chimp yanks her out of it it was fascinating to observe the way their social structure altered afterwards with the next eldest female unfailingly rising up to lead the groups children in licking the sweet rice milk from their deceased matriarchs body | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3472/7/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life finding common ground white man muslim woman trump painted garages | email jane goodall dedicated life studying primates insights gained evolutionary ancestors truly powerful prepare breath taken away dr goodalls words chimps betray get hands italian food chimps ones studied gombe absolutely obsessed italian food would go extraordinary lengths get hands one day troops alpha male called goliath managed acquire plate linguine humphrey younger male saw goliaths linguine became incredibly jealous offered give goliath prized possessiona vacant hornet nest enjoyed sex within exchange linguine goliath declined already hornet nest desperate eat linguine humphrey threw pebbles divert goliaths attention snuck behind ripped head allowing take italian food superior gruesome yet utterly fascinating scene chimpanzee communities encounter japanese researcher try put jail colleague dr kiyoshi yamamoto discovered chimps dragged tent middle night local prison apes would approach towns sheriff hands expecting food reward truly shocking learn chimpanzees capable things nature always pretty chimps vocalize phrase oh like yell defecate chimps dont like blow one family members grenade one young researchers sofia manfredi discovered rolling active grenade ditch several male siblings sharing lunch termites soup grenade exploded youngest one red mist viscera bone curiously brothers seemed become rather disheartened chimps revere hippos become aware hippo vicinity chimps stop whatever theyre take turns honoring beast bring offerings plump salamanders crushed soda cans treasures theyve found dirt join together angelic chorus growls soothe hippo new mothers rub infants hippos groin bless virility troops elders break incisors rock fashion crude crown teeth hippo wear hippo becomes aggressive towards resist fact honor crushed hippo often place heads ground next hooves hopes might accidentally stomp skulls flat chimp dunks head bucket horchata hour die whenever chimps discover large pail horchata forest eldest female group approach slowly lower head liquid remaining hour another chimp yanks fascinating observe way social structure altered afterwards next eldest female unfailingly rising lead groups children licking sweet rice milk deceased matriarchs body | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-22T02:45:00.000+02:00 | blog our country has become worryingly desensitized to violence in hotsauce names | power grid vulnerability dreams music power grid vulnerability dreams music benjamin dancer craig webb
in the first half teacher and writer benjamin dancer the director of public relations for the colorado emp task force peter prys organization discussed the vulnerability of the us power grid he explores the threat in his new novel in which a villain tries to sabotage the grid with a sophisticated cyberattack mass casualties would likely occur if the power grid goes down for an extended period with increased sanitation issues he noted dancer also pointed out that the approximately nuclear facilities in america are dependent on electricity to run safely while they do have emergency generators that run on diesel once that fuel is depleted we could be looking at multiple fukushima situations he cautioned
meteorologist sandy mcdonald briefly joined the conversation to talk about his paper published in the journal nature climate change he proposes developing a widespread wind and solar program across the continental us with the energy transmitted over an underground high voltage direct current line that would be protected from solar storm damage his proposal brings both the right and left political spectrums together by connecting the issue of sustainability with the existential threat posed by our power grids vulnerability dancer commented besides hardening the grid another option would be for the us to choose a more sustainable population size that would not be so dependent on electricity for its food sources dancer added | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3473/5/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | blog country become worryingly desensitized violence hotsauce names | power grid vulnerability dreams music power grid vulnerability dreams music benjamin dancer craig webb first half teacher writer benjamin dancer director public relations colorado emp task force peter prys organization discussed vulnerability us power grid explores threat new novel villain tries sabotage grid sophisticated cyberattack mass casualties would likely occur power grid goes extended period increased sanitation issues noted dancer also pointed approximately nuclear facilities america dependent electricity run safely emergency generators run diesel fuel depleted could looking multiple fukushima situations cautioned meteorologist sandy mcdonald briefly joined conversation talk paper published journal nature climate change proposes developing widespread wind solar program across continental us energy transmitted underground high voltage direct current line would protected solar storm damage proposal brings right left political spectrums together connecting issue sustainability existential threat posed power grids vulnerability dancer commented besides hardening grid another option would us choose sustainable population size would dependent electricity food sources dancer added | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-21T23:50:00.000+02:00 | life after years of research jane goodall shares her most fascinating discoveries about chimpanzees | overcoming anxiety spirit communications overcoming anxiety spirit communications date wednesday november
first half psychiatrist dr peter breggin will discuss techniques to overcome guilt shame and anxiety and how to handle lifes obstacles hell also address the overprescribing of psychiatric drugs in the us and the alternatives available
second half hans christian king a direct voice medium for more than sixty years will outline how to create a clear channel for spiritual communication which enables practitioners to discover activate trust and follow the souls directions hell also share stories from the spirit world and from those whove experienced spiritual awakenings websites | english | clickhole.com | http://images.onionstatic.com/clickhole/3473/2/16x9/1200.jpg | satire | Fake | life years research jane goodall shares fascinating discoveries chimpanzees | overcoming anxiety spirit communications overcoming anxiety spirit communications date wednesday november first half psychiatrist dr peter breggin discuss techniques overcome guilt shame anxiety handle lifes obstacles hell also address overprescribing psychiatric drugs us alternatives available second half hans christian king direct voice medium sixty years outline create clear channel spiritual communication enables practitioners discover activate trust follow souls directions hell also share stories spirit world whove experienced spiritual awakenings websites | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-01T15:00:00.000+02:00 | power grid vulnerability dreams music | robotic advancements mars ancient aliens robotic advancements mars ancient aliens date tuesday november
in the first half aerospace and defense systems developer sir charles shults discussed the rapid advances in robotics artificial intelligence and drones the availability and affordability of drones is creating all new applications from agriculture to outerspace construction on a consumerlevel there is a type of drone in which you put a chip in your pocket and the drone follows you around from the air recording live video of your movements he reported in many circumstances you have to register your drone with the faa he cautioned drones are a real growth industry with sales of million this past year in the us alone
regarding robotics we can expect a huge drop in the cost of humanlike robots over the next five years because china is moving to get into the industry in a big way he detailed china is developing robots to take the place of waiters and hotel staff and we will see a huge increase of companion robots to converse with people over the next five years shults envisions we are on the verge of combining biological and mechanical elements and eventually people will be able to buy hybrid cyborg devices he marveled shults also updated his research of martian anomalies view related images and suggested that mars had a decent biosphere as recent as a few thousand years ago that may have sustained primitive life forms | english | coasttocoastam.com | http://www.coasttocoastam.com/cimages/var/ezwebin_site/storage/images/coast-to-coast/repository/thumbnails/power-grid/934479-1-eng-US/Power-Grid.jpg | bs | Fake | power grid vulnerability dreams music | robotic advancements mars ancient aliens robotic advancements mars ancient aliens date tuesday november first half aerospace defense systems developer sir charles shults discussed rapid advances robotics artificial intelligence drones availability affordability drones creating new applications agriculture outerspace construction consumerlevel type drone put chip pocket drone follows around air recording live video movements reported many circumstances register drone faa cautioned drones real growth industry sales million past year us alone regarding robotics expect huge drop cost humanlike robots next five years china moving get industry big way detailed china developing robots take place waiters hotel staff see huge increase companion robots converse people next five years shults envisions verge combining biological mechanical elements eventually people able buy hybrid cyborg devices marveled shults also updated research martian anomalies view related images suggested mars decent biosphere recent thousand years ago may sustained primitive life forms | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-16T15:00:00.000+02:00 | overcoming anxiety spirit communications | coming ice age consciousness afterlife coming ice age consciousness afterlife date thursday november
first half researcher robert felix has been predicting that the next ice age could begin any day and now hes saying that day may have already arrived hell discuss the evidence that earths climate is shifting including news of advancing glaciers and forecasts of a brutal winter ahead
second half researcher into the borderline areas of human consciousness anthony peake will discuss scientific studies into the endoflife process and the evidence of continuity of consciousness after physical death hell also share radically new explanations for such phenomena as precognition angelic encounters and doppelgangers websites | english | coasttocoastam.com | http://www.coasttocoastam.com/cimages/var/ezwebin_site/storage/images/coast-to-coast/repository/thumbnails/human-mind-abstract/937120-1-eng-US/Human-Mind-Abstract.jpg | bs | Fake | overcoming anxiety spirit communications | coming ice age consciousness afterlife coming ice age consciousness afterlife date thursday november first half researcher robert felix predicting next ice age could begin day hes saying day may already arrived hell discuss evidence earths climate shifting including news advancing glaciers forecasts brutal winter ahead second half researcher borderline areas human consciousness anthony peake discuss scientific studies endoflife process evidence continuity consciousness physical death hell also share radically new explanations phenomena precognition angelic encounters doppelgangers websites | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-15T15:00:00.000+02:00 | robotic advancements mars ancient aliens | we all remember the lies that led the us into the iraq war
but after years of media indoctrination its easy to forget the other lie that helped rally the country around the illegal invasion of iraq
john mccain there is some indication and i dont have the conclusions but some of this anthrax may??and i emphasize may??have come from iraq
david letterman oh is that right
john mccain if that should be the case thats when some tough decisions are gonna have to be made
source mccain and the anthrax scare higher quality clip
when iraq finally admitted having these weapons in the quantities were vast less than a teaspoon of dry anthrax a little bit about this amount this is just about the amount of a teaspoon less than a teaspoon full of dry anthrax in an envelope shut down the united states senate in the fall of this forced several hundred people to undergo emergency medical treatment and killed two postal workers just from an amount just about this quantity that was inside of an envelope
iraq declared liters of anthrax but unscom estimates that saddam hussein could have produced liters if concentrated into this dry form this amount would be enough to fill tens upon tens upon tens of thousands of teaspoons and saddam hussein has not verifiably accounted for even one teaspoonfull of this deadly material
source colin powells presentation to the un on iraq wmd
although it is difficult to remember at this point the anthrax scare of late was widely seen as a followup to the attacks and a sign of things to come at the dawn of the socalled war on terror beginning in late september and continuing for several weeks multiple anthraxlaced letters were mailed to various media offices and the offices of two us senators killing five and injuring
it did not take long however for the neocons in the bush administration to start insinuating that the anthrax scare was tied to their two favourite boogeymen saddam hussein and osama bin laden
in his book the anthrax deception dr graeme macqueen describes this as the double perpetrator hypothesis an attempt to blame the attacks on both al qaeda and iraq he writes
what i call the double perpetrator hypothesis held that bin ladens group sent the anthrax spores through the mail but that the group had a state sponsor that had supplied the spores namely iraq
this hypothesis insinuated by key government officials and parroted by the press had the added benefit of explaining how the anthrax spores used in the attack could have been weaponized so efficiently
macqueen well the young woman who opened senator daschles mailafghanistan and iraq
the story of iraqi collusion with al qaeda sounded credible enough to an american public that had no familiarity with the muslim world and was still reeling in shock from the attacks of the only problem with that story is that it was a complete lie
when key government scientists came out to denounce the claim that the anthrax contained traces of bentonite a signature of the iraqi anthrax program the bush administration sought to distance itself from any direct connection between saddam and the attacks
as filmmaker robbie martin explains in his documentary american anthrax however that connection was reinforced to the public by way of a complicit corporate media
martin points to disgraced exnew york times journalist and iraqi wmd pusher judy miller as a particularly egregious example of how the media laid the groundwork for the campaign to tie iraq to the anthrax letters
as we now know of course the anthrax attacks were a false flag event
by early it was confirmed that the anthrax had sourced to the us army medical research institute for infectious diseases at fort detrick a key facility within americas own bioweapons program soon suspicion fell on steven hatfill a person of interest identified by the fbi who eventually won a million lawsuit against the department of justice for falsely accusing him of his participation in the attacks and illegally leaking his identity to the press the blame for the attacks was then pinned on bruce ivins a researcher at fort detrick who conveniently died before the fbi could identify him or try him in court the national academy of sciences and the government accountability office have both cast doubt on the fbis scientific investigation of the attacks however and a whistleblower within the fbis own investigation has revealed that the bureau is sitting on evidence that would exonerate ivins
whoever the perpetrator may have beeneven accepting that ivins was the attackerit is a fact that the attacks were a false flag using crudely forged letters to convince the american public that they were written by al qaeda agents and that false flag was aided by the government officials and corporate media talking heads who were happy to propagate this false story in the lead up to war in iraq
the legacy of that war remains with us today the middle east including iraq itself remains in chaos a direct result of the illegal invasion and occupation of that country an invasion and occupation that was sold to the public on the back of brazen lies and outright fabrications
the blood of a million dead iraqis stains the hands of those who lied the public into that war and those who aided and abetted those liars
meanwhile the anthrax attacks themselves remain a case study in how a false flag event can be used to whip the public into hysteria and be led into supporting illegal wars of aggression | english | coasttocoastam.com | http://www.coasttocoastam.com/cimages/var/ezwebin_site/storage/images/coast-to-coast/repository/thumbnails/astronaut-on-mars/936926-1-eng-US/Astronaut-on-Mars.jpg | bs | Fake | robotic advancements mars ancient aliens | remember lies led us iraq war years media indoctrination easy forget lie helped rally country around illegal invasion iraq john mccain indication dont conclusions anthrax may emphasize may come iraq david letterman oh right john mccain case thats tough decisions gonna made source mccain anthrax scare higher quality clip iraq finally admitted weapons quantities vast less teaspoon dry anthrax little bit amount amount teaspoon less teaspoon full dry anthrax envelope shut united states senate fall forced several hundred people undergo emergency medical treatment killed two postal workers amount quantity inside envelope iraq declared liters anthrax unscom estimates saddam hussein could produced liters concentrated dry form amount would enough fill tens upon tens upon tens thousands teaspoons saddam hussein verifiably accounted even one teaspoonfull deadly material source colin powells presentation un iraq wmd although difficult remember point anthrax scare late widely seen followup attacks sign things come dawn socalled war terror beginning late september continuing several weeks multiple anthraxlaced letters mailed various media offices offices two us senators killing five injuring take long however neocons bush administration start insinuating anthrax scare tied two favourite boogeymen saddam hussein osama bin laden book anthrax deception dr graeme macqueen describes double perpetrator hypothesis attempt blame attacks al qaeda iraq writes call double perpetrator hypothesis held bin ladens group sent anthrax spores mail group state sponsor supplied spores namely iraq hypothesis insinuated key government officials parroted press added benefit explaining anthrax spores used attack could weaponized efficiently macqueen well young woman opened senator daschles mailafghanistan iraq story iraqi collusion al qaeda sounded credible enough american public familiarity muslim world still reeling shock attacks problem story complete lie key government scientists came denounce claim anthrax contained traces bentonite signature iraqi anthrax program bush administration sought distance direct connection saddam attacks filmmaker robbie martin explains documentary american anthrax however connection reinforced public way complicit corporate media martin points disgraced exnew york times journalist iraqi wmd pusher judy miller particularly egregious example media laid groundwork campaign tie iraq anthrax letters know course anthrax attacks false flag event early confirmed anthrax sourced us army medical research institute infectious diseases fort detrick key facility within americas bioweapons program soon suspicion fell steven hatfill person interest identified fbi eventually million lawsuit department justice falsely accusing participation attacks illegally leaking identity press blame attacks pinned bruce ivins researcher fort detrick conveniently died fbi could identify try court national academy sciences government accountability office cast doubt fbis scientific investigation attacks however whistleblower within fbis investigation revealed bureau sitting evidence would exonerate ivins whoever perpetrator may beeneven accepting ivins attackerit fact attacks false flag using crudely forged letters convince american public written al qaeda agents false flag aided government officials corporate media talking heads happy propagate false story lead war iraq legacy war remains us today middle east including iraq remains chaos direct result illegal invasion occupation country invasion occupation sold public back brazen lies outright fabrications blood million dead iraqis stains hands lied public war aided abetted liars meanwhile anthrax attacks remain case study false flag event used whip public hysteria led supporting illegal wars aggression | 1 |
No Author | 2016-11-17T15:00:00.000+02:00 | coming ice age consciousness afterlife | podcast play in new window download embed
with the world spinning into hatred and violence as the two most hated selection candidates of all time tell us to hate one another one might almost think there is a coordinated effort to drum up outrage and one would be right
show notes | english | coasttocoastam.com | http://www.coasttocoastam.com/cimages/var/ezwebin_site/storage/images/coast-to-coast/repository/thumbnails/frozen-lake-toronto/937280-1-eng-US/Frozen-Lake-Toronto.jpg | bs | Fake | coming ice age consciousness afterlife | podcast play new window download embed world spinning hatred violence two hated selection candidates time tell us hate one another one might almost think coordinated effort drum outrage one would right show notes | 1 |
Corbett | 2016-11-01T19:29:20.309+02:00 | anthrax the forgotten iraq war lie | podcast play in new window download embed
broc west joins us once again for our ongoing look at news from across the asiapacific this time we cover how countries across the asiapacific are inching out from under the american umbrella how the japanese and the russians may or may not be on the verge of formally concluding a wwii peace treaty and australia and indonesias potential joint exercises in the south china sea
show notes | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | anthrax forgotten iraq war lie | podcast play new window download embed broc west joins us ongoing look news across asiapacific time cover countries across asiapacific inching american umbrella japanese russians may may verge formally concluding wwii peace treaty australia indonesias potential joint exercises south china sea show notes | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-03T17:50:59.009+02:00 | you are being programmed to hate | podcast play in new window download embed
broc west joins us once again for our ongoing look at news from across the asiapacific this time we cover how countries across the asiapacific are inching out from under the american umbrella how the japanese and the russians may or may not be on the verge of formally concluding a wwii peace treaty and australia and indonesias potential joint exercises in the south china sea
click here for show notes and mp audio of this podcast | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | programmed hate | podcast play new window download embed broc west joins us ongoing look news across asiapacific time cover countries across asiapacific inching american umbrella japanese russians may may verge formally concluding wwii peace treaty australia indonesias potential joint exercises south china sea click show notes mp audio podcast | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-04T19:14:01.967+02:00 | interview the asiapacific perspective with broc west | corbett comment
on friday october th fbi director james comey dropped a political bombshell just days out from the presidential selection
many theories have so far been floated about why the fbi director issued this letter just days before a national selection some of them including the idea that comey is struggling against an internal insurrection of agents disgruntled by his earlier decision not to prosecute clinton seem to have a basis in reality others including the idea that comey is an agent of the russians working in collusion with putin and trump to put a kremlin puppet in the white house do not
but what seemingly everyone has missed with regard to the letter is that it was issued just four days after another bombshell piece of information
for the video version of this report please click here
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already a member | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | interview asiapacific perspective broc west | corbett comment friday october th fbi director james comey dropped political bombshell days presidential selection many theories far floated fbi director issued letter days national selection including idea comey struggling internal insurrection agents disgruntled earlier decision prosecute clinton seem basis reality others including idea comey agent russians working collusion putin trump put kremlin puppet white house seemingly everyone missed regard letter issued four days another bombshell piece information video version report please click full access subscriber newsletter support website please become member site members access content already member | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-06T16:03:08.337+02:00 | japan and russia might end world war soon the asiapacific perspective | podcast play in new window download embed
your vote is statistically meaningless and will not sway the selection your vote is strategically meaningless and decides nothing about the future of the country your vote is useless as the selection is rigged anyway but as larken rose of larkenrosecom reminds us what really matters is that voting is immoral legitimizing a system of authoritarian control and empowering the oligarchs who created the system and control its results
happy selection day | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | japan russia might end world war soon asiapacific perspective | podcast play new window download embed vote statistically meaningless sway selection vote strategically meaningless decides nothing future country vote useless selection rigged anyway larken rose larkenrosecom reminds us really matters voting immoral legitimizing system authoritarian control empowering oligarchs created system control results happy selection day | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-06T21:38:49.637+02:00 | the fbis october surprise what youre not being told | podcast play in new window download embed
your vote is statistically meaningless and will not sway the selection your vote is strategically meaningless and decides nothing about the future of the country your vote is useless as the selection is rigged anyway but as larken rose of larkenrosecom reminds us what really matters is that voting is immoral legitimizing a system of authoritarian control and empowering the oligarchs who created the system and control its results
click here for show notes and mp audio for this conversation | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | fbis october surprise youre told | podcast play new window download embed vote statistically meaningless sway selection vote strategically meaningless decides nothing future country vote useless selection rigged anyway larken rose larkenrosecom reminds us really matters voting immoral legitimizing system authoritarian control empowering oligarchs created system control results click show notes mp audio conversation | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-07T19:09:15.225+02:00 | interview larken rose on the immorality of voting | corbettreportcom november
in douglas adams so long and thanks for all the fish there is a scene where a spaceship lands on earth and a robot emerges from the craft proclaiming that i come in peace and exhorting the earthlings to take me to your lizard the storys protagonist arthur dent has this strange request explained to him by his friend ford prefect an experienced galactic hitchhiker
it comes from a very ancient democracy you see
you mean it comes from a world of lizards
no said ford who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been having finally had the coffee forced down him nothing so simple nothing anything like so straightforward on its world the people are people the leaders are lizards the people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people
odd said arthur i thought you said it was a democracy
i did said ford it is
so said arthur hoping he wasnt sounding ridiculously obtuse why dont the people get rid of the lizards
it honestly doesnt occur to them said ford theyve all got the vote so they all pretty much assume that the government theyve voted in more or less approximates to the government they want
you mean they actually vote for the lizards
oh yes said ford with a shrug of course
but said arthur going for the big one again why
because if they didnt vote for a lizard said ford the wrong lizard might get in got any gin
what
i said said ford with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice have you got any gin
ill look tell me about the lizards
ford shrugged again
some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happened to them he said theyre completely wrong of course completely and utterly wrong but someones got to say it
if only this was a joke but here we are on the verge of a contest between the two least respected most distrusted candidates to run for office in modern political history and some people say these lizards are the best thing that ever happened to them
if there is any solace at all in this years selection cycle it is that as the corbett report has been pointing out since the very day of its inception there is absolutely nothing at stake here the presidential figureheads are mere puppets false fronts for the shadow government and deep state that commands and controls the military economic and diplomatic machinery of the usled world empire
do you really think the oligarchs put their entire system up on the chopping block every four years hoping against hope that the public doesnt use the dreaded ballot box to vote them out of power dashing decades or centuries of carefully cultivated enslavement with pencils and touchscreens just in case anyone dislikes rhetorical questions let me answer that one for you no no they do not
but dont take my word for it take emma goldman as shes been reputed to have said and if she didnt feel free to tell other people that i said it if voting changed anything theyd make it illegal
or take hl mencken who in his usual inimitable fashion quipped
the stateor to make the matter more concrete the governmentconsists of a gang of men exactly like you and me they have taking one with another no special talent for the business of government they have only a talent for getting and holding office their principal device to that end is to search out groups who pant and pine for something they cant get and to promise to give it to them nine times out of ten that promise is worth nothing the tenth time it is made good by looting a to satisfy b in other words government is a broker in pillage and every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods
or take lysander spooner who wrote
the principle that the majority have a right to rule the minority practically resolves all government into a mere contest between two bodies of men as to which of them shall be masters and which of them slaves a contest that however bloody can in the nature of things never be finally closed so long as man refuses to be a slave
or wendy mcelroy who reminds us that
voting is not an act of political freedom it is an act of political conformity those who refuse to vote are not expressing silence they are screaming in the politicians ear you do not represent me this is not a process in which my voice matters i do not believe you
yes voting is worse than a dead end its less effective than bashing your head against a wall in a vain attempt to cure your headache its more pathetic than allowing the oligarchs into your kitchen and then begging for a scrap of food from your own table it is evil immoral and contemptible it is the act of a slave who has internalized that slavery so thoroughly that he wants to ensure that everyone around him is enslaved too
but as i pointed out in yesterdays conversation with larken rose if there is any bright spot in all of this it is that your vote doesnt matter anyway and will not change anything at all it will not even register as a protest as some would like to believe since the elections are rigged and the votes arent counted
so if you are so inclined knock yourself out cast a ballot but instead of sitting back and feeling good about yourself for having done this senseless meaningless and immoral act can we at least agree to use the next days to do something actually productive i leave it entirely up to you how to interpret the phrase actually productive but if youd allow me to offer some humble suggestions
find join or create a community organization or freedom cell with a focus on fostering economic connections and social ties with people in your geographical area
find join or create a community currency community trading program or community exchange to foster agoristic connection between yourself and others in your area
commit to spending a certain amount of time each week spreading awareness about the banking oligarchy false flag terrorism gmo crops or any subject you feel strongly about either offline or online using the work of others or by starting your own blog newsletter or community meet up group
learn about gardening canning appliance repair d printing monetary theory or any subject that you think will be handy in the event of a government collapse or even if the government doesnt collapse
read more books spend less time arguing with people online and more time making friends at the local coffee shop learn a new skill and teach it to someone else
in short do all of the million things that have nothing whatsoever to do with the phony baloney political charade exemplified by national selection day because if all you ever do is tick a box in a voting booth and sit back to see who wins the rigged sporting event you probably believe the lizards are the best thing that ever happened to you | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | interview larken rose immorality voting | corbettreportcom november douglas adams long thanks fish scene spaceship lands earth robot emerges craft proclaiming come peace exhorting earthlings take lizard storys protagonist arthur dent strange request explained friend ford prefect experienced galactic hitchhiker comes ancient democracy see mean comes world lizards said ford time little rational coherent finally coffee forced nothing simple nothing anything like straightforward world people people leaders lizards people hate lizards lizards rule people odd said arthur thought said democracy said ford said arthur hoping wasnt sounding ridiculously obtuse dont people get rid lizards honestly doesnt occur said ford theyve got vote pretty much assume government theyve voted less approximates government want mean actually vote lizards oh yes said ford shrug course said arthur going big one didnt vote lizard said ford wrong lizard might get got gin said said ford increasing air urgency creeping voice got gin ill look tell lizards ford shrugged people say lizards best thing ever happened said theyre completely wrong course completely utterly wrong someones got say joke verge contest two least respected distrusted candidates run office modern political history people say lizards best thing ever happened solace years selection cycle corbett report pointing since day inception absolutely nothing stake presidential figureheads mere puppets false fronts shadow government deep state commands controls military economic diplomatic machinery usled world empire really think oligarchs put entire system chopping block every four years hoping hope public doesnt use dreaded ballot box vote power dashing decades centuries carefully cultivated enslavement pencils touchscreens case anyone dislikes rhetorical questions let answer one dont take word take emma goldman shes reputed said didnt feel free tell people said voting changed anything theyd make illegal take hl mencken usual inimitable fashion quipped stateor make matter concrete governmentconsists gang men exactly like taking one another special talent business government talent getting holding office principal device end search groups pant pine something cant get promise give nine times ten promise worth nothing tenth time made good looting satisfy b words government broker pillage every election sort advance auction sale stolen goods take lysander spooner wrote principle majority right rule minority practically resolves government mere contest two bodies men shall masters slaves contest however bloody nature things never finally closed long man refuses slave wendy mcelroy reminds us voting act political freedom act political conformity refuse vote expressing silence screaming politicians ear represent process voice matters believe yes voting worse dead end less effective bashing head wall vain attempt cure headache pathetic allowing oligarchs kitchen begging scrap food table evil immoral contemptible act slave internalized slavery thoroughly wants ensure everyone around enslaved pointed yesterdays conversation larken rose bright spot vote doesnt matter anyway change anything even register protest would like believe since elections rigged votes arent counted inclined knock cast ballot instead sitting back feeling good done senseless meaningless immoral act least agree use next days something actually productive leave entirely interpret phrase actually productive youd allow offer humble suggestions find join create community organization freedom cell focus fostering economic connections social ties people geographical area find join create community currency community trading program community exchange foster agoristic connection others area commit spending certain amount time week spreading awareness banking oligarchy false flag terrorism gmo crops subject feel strongly either offline online using work others starting blog newsletter community meet group learn gardening canning appliance repair printing monetary theory subject think handy event government collapse even government doesnt collapse read books spend less time arguing people online time making friends local coffee shop learn new skill teach someone else short million things nothing whatsoever phony baloney political charade exemplified national selection day ever tick box voting booth sit back see wins rigged sporting event probably believe lizards best thing ever happened | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-08T17:50:11.059+02:00 | larken rose on the immorality of voting | podcast play in new window download embed
whatever side of whatever political divide you are on these times will pass the question is what will emerge on the other side do we want a world of hatred and division where people are divided and ruled by psychopaths and warmongers or a world where love brings us together to create the world we want to live in its not the powersthatshouldntbes choice to make its ours so what world do you want to live in | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | larken rose immorality voting | podcast play new window download embed whatever side whatever political divide times pass question emerge side want world hatred division people divided ruled psychopaths warmongers world love brings us together create world want live powersthatshouldntbes choice make world want live | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-08T19:47:41.786+02:00 | voting is the problem heres the solution | enter your email address below to receive updates each time we publish new content privacy guaranteed we never share your info follow us | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | voting problem heres solution | enter email address receive updates time publish new content privacy guaranteed never share info follow us | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-09T11:03:50.778+02:00 | only love can defeat the new world order | at pm
bread and circuses
a phrase used by a roman writer to deplore the declining heroism of romans after the roman republic ceased to exist and the roman empire began two things only the people anxiously desire bread and circuses the government kept the roman populace happy by distributing free food and staging huge spectacles
so selection is part of the circuses you should worry when the free food distribution increases | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | love defeat new world order | pm bread circuses phrase used roman writer deplore declining heroism romans roman republic ceased exist roman empire began two things people anxiously desire bread circuses government kept roman populace happy distributing free food staging huge spectacles selection part circuses worry free food distribution increases | 0 |
Corbett | 2016-11-10T11:24:44.902+02:00 | interview new world next week with james evan pilato | podcast play in new window download embed
pledge to the newsbud kickstarter httpkckstdyywd
spiro skouras joins us today to update us on the operations at newsbudcom we discuss the new reporters new programs and website changes that have been accomplished since the first funding drive and what theyre hoping to achieve with their latest funding drive | english | corbettreport.com | No Image URL | bs | Fake | interview new world next week james evan pilato | podcast play new window download embed pledge newsbud kickstarter httpkckstdyywd spiro skouras joins us today update us operations newsbudcom discuss new reporters new programs website changes accomplished since first funding drive theyre hoping achieve latest funding drive | 0 |