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Title: OOPS: Worship Band Accidentally Worships For Real During Rehearsal TRUCKEE, CA - During an early rehearsal and sound check on Sunday morning, the worship team at Covenant Bible Fellowship accidentally began authentically worshipping God.  "It was so bizarre," said bass player Jon Clark. "We were just planning on rushing through a verse and chorus of a few songs, and then it was like we all started really thinking about the words we were singing: the truths about God's undeserved love for us, and the commitments we were making to Him through these lyrics. We must have gone a full two or three songs before we even realized we actually meant what we were saying... Like a bunch of weirdos!" "We ended up running late and almost bumping up against the first service!" singer Paul Brown said. "Can you imagine? Having the congregation entering the sanctuary while we're already actively worshipping? Embarrassing." Curt Myers has been operating the church sound booth for several years and was absolutely appalled. "This church has always had a strict policy that worship practice is a time for perfecting your worship performance without actually worshiping God," Myers complained. "They should be better stewards of this time, using it to perfect their sweet guitar solos, asking for less of the backup singers in their monitors, and debating whether to do all twenty-four repeats of the bridge in 'Oceans,' or stop short at just eighteen. Honestly, it's just very disrespectful to the whole worship process." "To be honest, I didn't even think it was possible to sincerely worship to 'We Are' by Kari Jobe!"

satire

Title: Everyone On The Internet Awarded Honorary Degree In International Affairs U.S. - All Americans on the internet have been awarded an honorary degree in international affairs for their expert opinions on foreign policy, sources confirmed Thursday. The degrees are being handed out by colleges across the nation as the institutions wanted to honor those people who are suddenly experts on the Middle East, terrorism, and the intricacies of Iranian government. Anyone who gives his or her expert opinion on the Middle East, terrorism, blowback, foreign intervention, or the likely outcome of the killing of Suleimani will be sent an honorary certificate in the mail.  "It is time for us to recognize the millions of Americans who are suddenly experts on complex foreign policy," said one school dean in Boston as he printed out thousands of certificates to mail all across the country. Proud Americans hung their certificates on their walls. "I got mine after I laid out exactly how World War 3 was about to break out," said Bob in Ohio. "I gave a step-by-step prediction of how this whole thing was gonna go down. Got a few retweets, too." "None of it came true, but I've got a degree now to show how much of an expert I am," he said proudly, pointing to his degree hanging on his fridge. Medical doctorate degrees will also be mailed out to people who give their expert opinion on vaccines, gut health, and essential oils on the internet.

satire

Title: Trump's Approval Rating Among Terrorists Hits All-Time Low U.S. - President Trump's approval rating among terrorists hit an all-time low today according to a CNN poll. This comes just days after he killed several of them.  Of those surveyed, only six percent of terrorists - mostly white nationalists - said they approve of Trump's performance. Of the 94 percent who disapproved, just half said they would like to see the president dead. The others claimed they would be perfectly happy with a pallet full of cash. Trump was briefed on the issue this morning, but it is unclear whether or not he was paying attention. He did, however, offer a thumbs up in between bites of chocolate ice cream, according to CNN.  "We need to understand the importance of these numbers," said Rep. Ilhan Omar, who participated in the poll. "These numbers not only tell us how terrorists view our president, but they also represent widespread disapproval of the American idea in general. If we can murder terrorists, it's only a matter of time before we order drone strikes on our own citizens." President Trump is scheduled to speak with the media in regard to the poll this afternoon and promises to answer any and all questions as long as Mike Pompeo answers them first.

satire

Title: More Unborn Babies Disguising Themselves As Baby Yoda To Avoid Being Aborted U.S. - According to sources across the country, more and more babies are disguising themselves as Baby Yoda so their pro-choice parents will not abort them. The babies got the idea when they saw how many people were fawning over the fictional character yet still were apathetic toward the deaths of millions of human babies aborted every year. They procured Baby Yoda costumes through an underground black market for the unborn. When pro-choicers saw the Baby Yodas in their sonograms, they instantly dropped their support for abortion, saying they couldn't bear to harm such an adorable little guy. "Awwwww he's so cute!" one Portland progressive pregnant woman said. "I couldn't possibly end the beating heart of this little man."  Bounty hunters across the country also vowed to protect the unborn after the disguises were in place.

satire

Title: Trump Holds Morning Press Conference To Moon Iran On National Television WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a televised statement at the White House, President Donald Trump addressed the nation to make a statement concerning Iran. As he approached the microphone, he loosened his belt, dropped his trousers, and mooned the cameras while shouting "this is for you, Iran." As the conference was being broadcast live across the world, Iranian leadership immediately surrendered as Trump's pants came down. "It was a huge moment in American history. Our president taking decisive, clear action toward an enemy of freedom," said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. "Like his methods or not, he's effective," commented senator Lindsey Graham. Trump said he plans to use the tactic on North Korea and China next.

satire

Title: Man Driving Alone In Carpool Lane Informs Officer His Preferred Pronoun Is 'They' CHICAGO, IL - Local commuter Brandon Bongofritz was pulled over by Chicago city police this morning after being caught using the carpool lane even though he was alone in the car.  "Officer, there must be some kind of misunderstanding," said Bongofritz confidently. "My pronouns are they/them. I'm a two-spirit genderqueer couple trapped in a single body so there are actually two individuals in the car right now. I'll let you off for not understanding this once."  The officer then pulled him out of the car to see if the motorist had been drinking. "Son, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but there is definitely only one person in this automobile right now. I'm gonna have to write you a ticket."  The officer has been put on leave for re-education.  Chicago city council is now considering new carpool rules that will allow commuters with they/them pronouns to use the carpool lane.

satire

Title: Iran To Replace State-Run Television With MSNBC Broadcast TEHRAN - In a bid to cut costs and save time, Iran has announced that its 24/7 state propaganda station will be replaced with an MSNBC broadcast. The decision to broadcast MSNBC instead of official state propaganda came after an MSNBC reporter parroted the false claims of the Iranian government after yesterday's rocket attacks. "Why spend so much time creating propaganda to brainwash our people when MSNBC could do it for us?" a representative for Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting said to reporters. "It takes a lot of work to put together news broadcasts that obscure the truth and tell the masses exactly what we want them to believe. But MSNBC has it down -- they really understand what we're trying to do. We decided we had to get those experts on our team." The Iranian people say they have noticed no difference in the bias of the one television station they're allowed to watch after the switch occurred, except "maybe it skews a little more anti-America now."

satire

Title: As Part Of Settlement With Nick Sandmann, CNN Hosts Must Wear MAGA Hats During All Broadcasts ATLANTA, GA - According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast. "Let the punishment fit the crime," counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps. Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day's events, MAGA hats in place.  Sandmann says the hosts will be forced to wear the hats until they've learned their lesson, which could take a while. "Just be careful you don't make an expression some could construe as 'smug.' Wouldn't want you to get punched or your lives to get ruined, or anything like that." CNN hosts must also finish every broadcast by saying, "Good night, and I am a big, fat dummy, while Trump is the best president we've ever had." Brian Stelter requested an exemption and was allowed to wear a clown nose instead, as usual.

satire

Title: Christians Glad They Voted For Republicans So Planned Parenthood Abortions, Funding Could Hit All-Time High U.S. - The nation's Christians said they were really pleased that they voted for Republicans to control the White House and Senate so that Planned Parenthood abortions and funding could hit another all-time high. After Planned Parenthood released its annual report showing almost 350,000 tiny lives ended and over $600 million received from taxpayers, the nation's Christians breathed a sigh of relief that they had voted for Republican candidates.  "It's a good thing we didn't vote for that baby-killing Hillary, or they could have been even higher," said one Arkansas pastor. "But the battle's not over yet. We need to vote for Republicans again in the next election cycle and then they'll definitely cut off Planned Parenthood and end abortion for good." "We're helping!" he added, gesturing to his large collection of "I Voted" stickers to show that he'd done his part to make sure abortion numbers continue to increase. Republican politicians, for their part, said they would do a better job "just after this next election, we promise."

satire

Title: 'I Caught My Wife Watching 'The Last Jedi'—Is This Grounds For Divorce?' In our Dear BaBee column, we help readers by dispensing authentic, biblical answers to life's tough questions. Dear BaBee, I got home from work the other day, and my wife was on the couch watching TV. I thought nothing of it. But then I froze as I heard the words coming from the screen: "It's time for the Jedi to end." In a panic, I confronted her, and sure enough, she was watching The Last Jedi. She tried to play it off like it was no big deal and thinks I'm overreacting. She even rolled her eyes and said I should "calm down" and "stop brandishing that lightsaber at me, it is a pretend toy." Do you think this constitutes biblical grounds for divorce? - Triggered in Tennessee --- Dear Triggered, In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus says that there's only one grounds for divorce: marital unfaithfulness. Not all wrongs in a marriage meet this standard. For instance, if she had just been watching the prequels, you could probably get by with some tough marital counseling. If you're seriously thinking about divorce, you need to ask if enjoying The Last Jedi is really the equivalent of cheating on you. And the answer, of course, is yes. She betrayed those vows she made to you all those years ago by forsaking the true Star Wars canon. Drop her like a bomb in space that falls toward a capital ship for some reason instead of just floating there. Love,BaBee

satire

Title: Merciful God Vows To End Humanity Before 'The Princess Bride' Can Be Remade HEAVEN - A spokesperson for the Most High God confirmed that God will be ending humanity before any remake of The Princess Bride can be released. Humanity was forced to acknowledge that the God of the Bible is good, merciful, and gracious after His spokesangels confirmed he would rather destroy all of humanity than force anyone to live in a universe where The Princess Bride was remade. "Before The Princess Bride remake can see the light of day, The Lord will flatten all of humanity with fire and brimstone from on high, in His mercy," said a heavenly spokesperson. "Humanity will experience the sweet release of death rather than have to see someone try to remake the only perfect movie ever made." "Seriously, trying to remake The Princess Bride? What's wrong with you people!" After the announcement, even atheists were forced to admit that God is truly good to us. "I have finally seen the light," said Richard Dawkins as he repented in tears. "God is not a moral monster -- He is the very standard of goodness, truth, and justice." Theologians further confirmed that since the invention of acts of mercy, there have only been five that were rated the most gracious, the most merciful. This one left them all behind.

satire

Title: Michelle Williams: 'Sometimes You Just Have To Ask Yourself, 'How Many People Do I Have To Kill To Get An Acting Career?'' HOLLYWOOD, CA - At the Golden Globe Awards on Sunday night, Michelle Williams gave an impassioned speech about her acting career, and how if she hadn't had the ability to knock off a few people, the audience and the viewers at home would have had to suffer an existence without her being an actress. "You have to do a little math," Williams said. "Human life, or fame and fortune? Which one has more intrinsic value?" Williams laughed, as did many in the crowd.Williams was accepting the award for best actress in a limited series or motion picture made for TV for her turn as Gwen Verdon in Fosse/Verdon. "Imagine if this TV series existed with someone else playing this role," she implored. "I'm sure you will agree, it was worth a few souls being snuffed out. A lot of people die every day. It's important to keep our priorities straight in this life. I just can't imagine the horror I would have had to endure if I'd allowed those lives to be lived. Even to put them up for adoption would have been too much of a hassle. I had acting classes to get to." She argued that in the end, she had made the humane choice not just for herself, but for the children who didn't have the right to exist anyway. "Imagine the suffering my previous kids would have felt every day knowing that their own existence had robbed their mother of something of much higher meaning and worth than their lives could ever amount to. This award right here, this is what life is all about. I could never allow my children to live knowing they robbed me of this. If they could thank me, they would." Williams was visibly pregnant during the speech and took the opportunity to speak about her decision to let this one live. "I'm just thankful we live in a culture where we can define human life according to our own whims. I'm blessed to have had my cake and I got to eat it too. I offed a kid or two, got rich and famous, and now I can finally allow one to live since there will be no risk of them robbing me of what is rightfully mine. I want this child to grow up knowing that if my career had not taken off..." Williams then ran her finger across her neck and made a whimsical death noise. The audience applauded. The actress says that her expected newborn will be named "Lucky," to remind the child every day how lucky they are that their mother got that Golden Globe that they may live.

satire

Title: Democrats Grasping At Straws To Impeach Trump Now Regret Banning Straws WASHINGTON, D.C. - Democrats desperately grasping at straws to find grounds to impeach and convict Trump announced Tuesday they are now regretting banning plastic straws. "We started grasping for straws but suddenly realized we had banned them a while back," a downcast Nancy Pelosi told reporters. "We really should have seen this coming." Many congresspeople keep straws on hand for the express purpose of grasping at them. They get them out when they really don't like a politician on the other side of the aisle and need to find something to condemn him or her for. Sadly, the Democrats banned their straws a while back for using harmful plastics and now have nothing to grasp for. The Democratic leaders tried to reach for paper straws instead, but they instantly crumbled into a fine powder.

satire

Title: CNN Attacks Babylon Bee: 'The Internet Is Only Big Enough For One Fake News Site' U.S. - CNN has slammed the world's best satire site, The Babylon Bee, after CNN executives realized that "fake news" articles on the website were getting at least as much social media traction as their own. "There ain't room in this internet for the both of us," growled one CNN anchor on the air Monday evening. "There simply aren't enough people out there for us to fool with our fake news stories and The Babylon Bee to fool with their satire. There isn't enough clickbait and outrage traffic to go around." Reporters at the media outlet also pointed out that their news was "much faker" than The Babylon Bee's.  "They're obviously amateurs over there at The Bee," said Brian Stelter. "A lot of times, their reporting comes true. If you're gonna do fake news, do it right -- 100% fake, guaranteed, 24/7. They really should learn from the pros over here at CNN." "Stay out of our territory," he growled.

satire

Title: Authorities Investigating Dangerous Breach In Hollywood Bubble HOLLYWOOD, CA - Authorities say they are investigating the circumstances which led to a dangerous tear in Hollywood's protective bubble that keeps celebrities from encountering the festering disgust everyone outside of Hollywood has for them. Security experts say the breach caused celebrities to encounter opinions from the real world for the very first time. Hollywood's bubble has been carefully constructed over several decades, keeping the fragile, easily spooked celebs from having to face what life might be like without millions of dollars and constant, sycophantic praise. "People don't like us? This is the first I'm hearing about that," said a puzzled Taylor Swift. "Maybe we should change our attitude... but no. It is the people who are wrong." "The guy with the funny accent was up there saying something about people not caring about our opinions," said Brad Pitt. "It is sad when people are so deluded like that. I hope Ricky gets the help he needs." Emergency crews rushed to the breach in the bubble and patched it up, assuring panicked celebrities that Ricky Gervais would be deported and no further critical thinking or introspection would be required on their part.

satire

Title: Iran Announces They Will Stop Pretending To Follow Nuclear Deal TEHRAN - In response to the United States' recent killing of top Iranian general Qasem Soleimani, Iran announced on Tuesday it will no longer pretend to abide by the 2015 Nuclear Deal between the two nations. Sources confirm Iran has already dismantled its Department of Compliance Chicanery and fired its Director for Nuclear Deal Duplicity. "America is the Great Satan and cannot be trusted," a spokesperson told reporters. "They do not deserve our sham adherence to an agreement we never intended to follow in the first place." Iranian officials then revealed that their National Center to Help Children and Orphans and their Department of Puppies and Candy were actually nuclear facilities in disguise this whole time. Shocked New York Times reporters watched as Iranian officials pressed a button at the Center for World Peace and Also Cake and Ice Cream, rotating the walls to reveal it was actually a nuclear research center. At publishing time, North Korea was threatening to stop faking compliance with its nuclear restrictions.

satire

Title: White House Hires Mandalorian To Protect Baby Trump From Iranian Bounty Hunters WASHINGTON, D.C. - A Mandalorian warrior has arrived in Washington, D.C. to protect Baby Trump from Iranian bounty hunters. After Baby Trump's life was threatened with an $80 million bounty, the precious child was scooped up by the mysterious Mandalorian. Sources say the Mandalorian was actually hired to kill Trump originally but fell in love after seeing his cute orange hair and glowing skin. He immediately killed an assassin droid that was about to take out the baby president and loaded him onto his spaceship. The two have been inseparable ever since, going on wacky interplanetary adventures as the bounty-hunter-turned-babysitter tries to protect the adorable little chief executive from getting hurt. The Mandalorian has defended his actions, stating, "This is the way." When pressed for comment, he would only say, "I have spoken."

satire

Title: Iranian Leaders Vow To Destroy American Cultural Sites Like Walmart Or Dairy Queen TEHRAN - Immediately after President Trump's announcement on Twitter that he had pre-selected fifty-two targets in Iran for destruction, including sites important to Iran's people and ancient culture, Iran's top leaders and generals vowed that they would retaliate in kind as soon as they could figure out what a rapidly declining culture that no longer values its own history or religious heritage still holds dear. "We will send our futuristic missiles straight into your Walmarts and your Dairy Queens and your McDonalds, so help us, Allah. Death to America!" announced Iran's Supreme Leader Of The Islamic Revolution Ali Khamenei. President Trump had angered the leaders of Iran with a tweet earlier in the day in which he announced that any retaliation, any strike against Americans or American assets, over the drone strike which killed Iran's number two man and top general Qassem Soleimani in Baghdad would be met with swift strikes on Iran itself, not only threatening military targets but also just calm, serene places beloved by the Iranian people for their history and beauty. Iran's leaders debated for hours about what targets to select.  "What about their palaces, their statues, their ancient buildings dating back a thousand years?" one military strategist reportedly suggested only to discover that Americans had nothing that old and what they did have dating back to the time of America's founding was deemed racist or a symbol of white supremacy nowadays. President of Iran, Hassan Rouhani finally announced through state media, "We have pre-selected 52 Burger Kings in sites all across the Great Satan America that will be hit hard and fast should your President Trump even attempt to touch any one of our ancient cultural works of art and history. We are very proud of our traditions, our religion, our institutions, and the many, many World Heritage Sites as designated by UNESCO.  I myself love to visit these ancient palaces, temples, caves, gardens, mountains, and cities to learn about our great past. Our civilization dates back to the sixth century BCE in your calendar. That anyone in the West would threaten these sites over, well, anything, is barbaric."

satire

Title: How To Identify A Conservative Activist: The Babylon Bee Guide While liberal activists are easy to spot, a conservative activist can be harder to pick out in a crowd. That is no longer the case thanks to this helpful diagram.

satire

Title: United Methodist Church To Split Over Whether Or Not To Be Christians NASHVILLE, TN - Leaders from the United Methodist Church have announced a tentative plan to split the church over differences on whether or not Methodists should be Christian or some sort of social group with a vague deist motif that makes up morality based on whatever it feels like. "There was just no way to reconcile differences," said Rev. Lloyd Patrick, one of those dismayed by the recent push by traditionalists to follow the Bible instead of each person's own heart. "A lot of people still want to follow Jesus -- a person from 2000 years ago who made no statements about pronouns and thus has no relevance today -- which is just silly since we all know so much more now and have a better grasp on morality than a bunch of ancient people." Rev. Patrick went on to describe how Christian beliefs put an unnecessary burden on people, as they can lead to ridicule or even being canceled. "I guess they don't have to worry about that in primitive places overseas," Rev. Patrick said, "but we can't be expected to deal with that in the U.S." While most of the U.S. Methodist churches are moving in a more modern direction, away from outdated beliefs like Christianity, it's mainly in less developed nations in places like Africa that are still hung up on things like the Bible, necessitating the split. We got no statements from anyone there, though, as it didn't seem worth listening to such unenlightened views.

satire

Title: Iran Declines To Sign Colin Kaepernick After Reviewing Workout Video TEHRAN - Colin Kaepernick sent his workout video to Iran after learning they may have recently opened up a position but has yet to receive a phone call. Kaepernick condemned American attacks on Iranian terrorists last week, inciting rumors that he may have found a team interested in him in the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps. But Iranian officials have dispelled the rumors, stating clearly and unequivocally that "we have no interest in signing Kaepernick at this time, but we wish him well in his future endeavors." "It's disappointing to see that Iran is as hateful as America," a downcast Kaepernick said in a press conference. "I expected to be welcomed as a hero over there, but apparently, they too are biased against people with dark skin." Kaepernick plans to protest Iran's hate by continuing to kneel during the American national anthem. Iran has clarified that they agree with Kaepernick ideologically, but they need someone who can throw.

satire

Title: Ventriloquist Takes Act To Next Level Thanks To COVID Mask BOCA RATON, FL - Ventriloquist Reggie Glowman and his sidekick dummy Dingo have been struggling to book performances for the last 20 years. Glowman would have described himself as an average ventriloquist, but recently, his talents have skyrocketed. As venues begin to reopen, but require masks, the 46-year-old performer discovered he can sing and say any letter or word sound he wants without the audience seeing his lips move. "I can make Dingo say, 'Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,' as clearly as I want, and no one sees a thing," said Glowman. "Dingo's vocabulary has exploded!" Crowds have been wowed by the new and improved "Reggie & Dingo" show. "I've been seeing ventriloquist acts for over 50 years," said audience member Tom Lapp. "I watch the mouth closely, and I didn't see Reggie's lips move a single time during the entire show. 'Impressive' is too small of a word." The reviews and growing buzz surrounding the performance have garnered the comedy pair a nationwide tour. "It's absolutely amazing," Glowman said. "This virus is the best thing to happen to my career. I'm one of the few people hoping for a second outbreak." Glowman is considering giving Dingo a mask, too, which should make things even easier.

satire

Title: Joel Osteen Criticized After Slapping Woman Who Tried To Quote Bible Verse To Him HOUSTON, TX - Joel Osteen is being criticized after he slapped a woman who tried to quote a Bible verse to him. While Osteen was shaking hands with people after the service, the woman grabbed his hand and pulled out her Bible, attempting to quote a passage out of Titus 3 to get his take on it.  Osteen claimed he feared for his life when the woman aggressively pulled the Bible out and defended himself, slapping her across the face. Luckily, his slap was "like a limp fish," and she was alright. "She was lucky security didn't take her down, to be honest," he said later as he iced his bruised hand. "When I'm shaking hands, kissing babies, speaking words of victory over people, sometimes people can get a little excited. They pull out a Bible or what have you, not realizing the threat to my theology that represents. I got caught up in the heat of the moment." The preacher has apologized for the incident. "Nonetheless, I am sorry for my actions. But mostly, I am sorry that this woman still feels the need to carry around a Bible, as though my teachings and positive faith declarations are not enough for her. Let us all send her our thoughts and positive vibes."

satire

Title: Trump Reminds Everyone He Hasn't Been Impeached All Decade WASHINGTON, D.C. - At a rally Friday, President Donald Trump reminded the crowd that he hasn't been impeached all decade. "Least corrupt president of this entire decade so far!" he proclaimed triumphantly. "Of all the presidents we've had in the '20s, I've been impeached the least." Trump also declared he was "the best president of the '20s so far, by far, no contest, no question about it." Fact-checkers scrambled to debunk his claim, but they were forced to admit that this was actually entirely true. A few pedantic people tried to claim that we're not in a new decade, stating that the decade doesn't end until 2021, but these people are dumb and just asking to get beat up. It's the 2020s now, obviously a new decade and to say otherwise is to show that you are not a fun person. At publishing time, Trump had also reminded everyone that he technically has never been impeached, since Pelosi never sent the articles of impeachment to the Senate.

satire

Title: California Robber Agrees To Come Back In 10 Days When Victim's Gun Purchase Has Gone Through LOS ANGELES, CA - Robber Rob N. Steele was doing some honest robbing in East LA this morning when he broke into the home of Raymond Garfunkel. Steele made Garfunkel sit on a chair while he tied up the victim's hands, brandishing his firearm threateningly. But things changed when Garfunkel told Steele that he was waiting for his 10-day waiting period on the purchase of a firearm to expire and couldn't defend himself. Garfunkel had heard about a recent string of break-ins and decided to buy the gun, but he had to take a safety test, competency test, pass a background check, and wait nearly two weeks for his gun and ammo to come in. "Hey, man, if you can just come back in, like, 9 or 10 days, the waiting period will be over and it'll be an even match," Garfunkel pleaded. "It's only fair!" Steele had never heard of the waiting period since he buys his guns from a guy named Cueball on the street corner. "Oh, wow. You have to wait ten whole days? That's terrible!" "You know what? You're right -- it's not fair for me to do this when you have to wait 10 days to protect yourself. How about this -- I'll go rob some other peeps and hit you up later once your gun is in?" The robber also agreed that when he comes back, he will wait for the man to go get his gun, unlock it, get the separately stored ammo, and load the firearm, "just so that it's a fair fight."

satire

Title: Woman Who Scoffs At Your Religion Still Checking Her Horoscope Every Day PORTLAND, OR - According to sources close to Patricia Lyles, a local woman who hates the concept of religion and thinks you are foolish to believe there is a God out there somewhere, she is still checking her horoscope to see how the stars will direct her path every day. "I just think it's silly to think there's some divine plan from a God somewhere," she said as she took a BuzzFeed quiz to see what kind of Scorpio she was, based on her choice of smoothie at Jamba Juice. "We are free creatures, and there is no sovereign God with any kind of plan for my life." Having been freed from the shackles of God and religion, Lyles is now able to spend more time consulting star charts, tarot decks, crystal balls, and palm readings to determine the course of action for her life, down to the last minute detail. "I can't believe people still believe in God in the current year," she said, chuckling. "Also, celestial bodies can help me determine what kind of toilet paper to buy. Looks like the constellations are telling me it's single-ply for Scorpios this month." She also makes sure to check her daily Enneagram thought.

satire

Title: John Bolton Can't Believe He Left White House Just Before War With Iran WASHINGTON, D.C. - According to sources close to the former national security adviser, a teary-eyed John Bolton wept in great pain and anguish that he left the Trump administration just before the war with Iran broke out. "Wait -- what!?!" he had screamed as he saw that Trump had ordered a missile strike on Qasam Soleimani. "No... no... it can't be true... it just can't!" "After all my years of service, we decide to go to war with Iran NOW!?!" Bolton flew into a rage, attempting to throw objects at the television. But not being strong enough to pick up the objects himself, and not wanting to get hurt, he ordered an aide to throw the objects on his behalf.  Finally, once the television was good and destroyed, Bolton moved on with the grieving process, going into bargaining ("God, I'll devote my life to you if you just let me attack Iran"), depression ("What's the point? World peace is inevitable"), and finally, acceptance. "At least we're still gonna have a war, even if I missed out on my chance to partake," he said as an aide patted his back to comfort him.

satire

Title: Democrats Call For Flags To Be Flown At Half-Mast To Grieve Death Of Soleimani WASHINGTON, D.C. - At a press conference held on Capitol Hill Friday, mourning Democrat leaders called for flags to be flown half-mast to honor the death of Qasem Soleimani. Flags were spotted flying at half-mast around the country, notably at The Washington Post, The New York Times, and in front of several celebrities' homes. The celebrities went out and bought an American flag for the first time just to fly it at half-mast for this important time of grief. "The grieving process is painful but necessary," said Rep. Ilhan Omar. "As a nation, we need to stop and grieve this great, austere, revered religious scholar. He was one of the good ones." In a rare moment of unity with The Squad, Pelosi gave each of the girls a hug, telling them to just "let it all out" in their time of sadness. Ocasio-Cortez didn't seem to know what was happening but adjusted her glasses to look smart. A teary-eyed Barack Obama was also seen solemnly lowering the flag in front of his seaside mansion. "To think, this all could have been prevented with a few pallets of cash." He sighed and stared off into the distance, a look of pain and regret on his face. "If only Trump had targeted a U.S. citizen with a drone strike instead." Later, Democrats clarified they meant we should fly the Iranian flag at half-mast, not the "offensive and problematic" American flag.

satire

Title: Podcast #30: How To Own Atheists With Greg Koukl Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here. In the thirtieth episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle get ready to say goodbye to 2019 and ring in the new year, 2020, with a rock-star apologist: Greg Koukl. He's an accomplished author, speaker, radio host, founder and president of Stand To Reason, an adjunct professor at BIOLA, and he guarantees he can convince anyone to become a Christian in three minutes or less. Well maybe that last part was a bit of an exaggeration, but Greg believes that when Christianity and its values are clearly articulated they can "stand to reason" in the public square. They discuss apologetics fails, how to bring your faith into a conversation without being totally awkward, and what the goal of apologetics really should be. Greg Koukl's 10th anniversary edition of Tactics: A Game Plan For Discussing Your Christian Convictions is available now. Check out this recent review of the 2nd edition. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Show Outline Introduction - Kyle and Ethan open up some bubbly sparkling water to ring in the new year, discuss the Babylon Bee's top ten stories of 2019, and make bold predictions for 2020. Top 10 Bee Stories of the Year 10 - Bernie Sanders Arrives In Hong Kong To Lecture Protesters On How Good They Have It Under Communism 9 - In Genius Move, Trump Supports Impeachment, Forcing Democrats To Oppose 8 - Disney CEO: 'To Avoid Filming Among Depraved, Immoral People, We Are Moving All Our Georgia Operations Back To Hollywood' 7 - Portland Police: 'We Wish There Were Some Kind Of Organized, Armed Force That Could Fight Back Against Antifa' 6 - Ocasio-Cortez Appears On 'The Price Is Right,' Guesses Everything Is Free 5 - Walmart Discontinues Auto Part Sales To Prevent Car Accidents 4 - Georgia Lawmaker Claims Chick-Fil-A Employee Told Her To Go Back To Her Country, Later Clarifies He Actually Said 'My Pleasure' 3 - Husband Daycare Now Available At All Hobby Lobby Locations 2 - Ilhan Omar Withdraws Support From Bill To Save The Earth After Learning That's Where Israel Is 1 - Motorcyclist Who Identifies As Bicyclist Sets Cycling World Record Predictions for 2020 Interview - Greg Koukl Kyle and Ethan discuss with Greg the Babylon Bee's 10 Arguments For Christianity That Are Guaranteed Mic Drops and get into some listener submitted questions for Greg. Topics Discussed How did Greg end up becoming an apologetics guy? How do you start a conversation about God without coming off like a total tool? What do you do when Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door? At what point is it a sin not to share the gospel with a stranger? What do you wish Christians would shut up about? What are the WORST arguments you hear from your own side? Hate Mail - We get podcast reviews. Also, this story has been passed around as being real and the comments are interesting: Trump: 'I Have Done More For Christianity Than Jesus' Paid-subscriber portion - The interview with Greg Koukl continues and he takes some questions submitted by Babylon Bee readers. "Can people of other religions that don't know Christ or are so devout to their own way they never even allow themselves to hear and choose Him be saved by the grace of God?" -Jonathan "Why doesn't God reveal himself in undeniable ways like he did in the Bible? Why does it seem that as mankind's ability to test and verify supernatural claims goes up, supernatural occurrences go down?" -Daniel "I've always wondered if there was a rebellion in God's pre-human heaven, what would prevent the possibility of another rebellion in eternity?" -Michael Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans

satire

Title: Woman Slapped By Pope Sells Hand For 1.3 Billion Dollars ROME - New Year's Eve the world witnessed a historical event when the Pope repeatedly slapped a woman's hand after she tugged on his arm in a forceful, Trump-like fashion. While the Pope went on to issue an apology for the incident, the woman, Susan Née, had the hand wrapped in cellophane and immediately removed. She then put the severed appendage on eBay where an intense bidding war hit an incredible price of $1.3 billion before closing.  "This is a piece of history," said the buyer, a wealthy Swedish industrialist named Svenson Borga. "The Pope shakes a lot of hands, but he never slaps them. I predict this hand will only go up in value." While Borga has immediate plans to put the hand in his private collection, he says he will consider allowing it to be housed at the Vatican Museum Of Papal Wonders from time to time. Nee says she has no regrets and will use a large portion of her money to build the world's first real "go go Gadget arm," which she says would have come in very handy in the situation with the Pope (pun hers).

satire

Title: CNN: 'Trump Voter Shoots Mentally Ill Man In Church' ATLANTA, GA - Churchgoer Jack Wilson shot and killed a mass shooter at West Freeway Church of Christ, preventing what could have been a much worse shooting. But CNN reported on the event with the headline and caption "Trump voter shot a mentally ill man in a Texas church," causing some to question whether CNN might be a biased source of news. "Once again we see that Trump voters are hopelessly wicked," said one somber anchor as footage came in of a shooting in a Texas church. "There is nothing they won't do to attack the oppressed, mentally ill community. All this man wanted to do was express his true identity and live out who he really is, and he was stopped by yet another psychotic Trump voter." CNN hosts called for Texas to designate their churches "gun-free zones," so that the mentally ill can do whatever they please without being stopped by deranged conservatives.

satire

Title: Nation Forced To Watch Good Shows For A Change After 'Friends' Leaves Netflix U.S. - Millions of Americans cried out in terror as Friends left Netflix, forcing them to watch good shows for a change. Depressed that their favorite terrible show was taken off the streaming service, viewers resigned themselves to watching shows with good characters, quality writing, and funny jokes instead. "Well, now that Friends is off Netflix, I guess I have to watch something good like The Office or Parks & Recreation," said one woman in Nashville. "It's a bummer that I have to give up watching a show with terrible, unlikeable characters, forced punchlines, and cringe-inducing story arcs, but nothing lasts forever, I suppose." "And just how on earth am I ever going to find a character as annoying as Ross? You just can't compete with that. So, I guess it's onto something good instead." People deprived of Friends were forced instead to stream Arrested Development, The Good Place, and Seinfeld. Some even turned to quality dramas like Breaking Bad. Many started watching Sherlock, amazed that a show could be witty and have a good plotline, until the later seasons, which are as bad as Friends. The wives of the nation announced they would just continue rewatching Gilmore Girls for the 78th time.

satire

Title: ‘We Can't Just Overturn Precedent,’ Says Supreme Court Justice Of Nation Where Slavery Was Once Legal WASHINGTON, D.C. - Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts wrote in his decision ruling against restrictions on abortion today, "We can't just overturn precedent," though he presides over the highest court of a nation where slavery was once legal. "Sorry, guys, nothing we can do. The law is the law. Sucks that there's no way to change it, but that's life. It's in the Constitution," he said, shrugging. "If a previous court decided something, we have to abide by it. There's literally no recourse." Roberts suggested, though, that the country could come up with a method to overturn unjust precedents if we all put our heads together and think really hard. "If only there were some way to challenge something that's unjust," he mused. "We could bring a complaint, or petition, before a group of people trained in the law who could change immoral precedents. I dunno, just something to think about." "They could wear cool robes and bang a fun little hammer down when they decide things."

satire

Title: Thousands Of Panicked Terrorists Surrender As Trump Deploys Jack Wilson To Middle East WORLD - Terrorists and other enemies of America, including China, North Korea, and California, all agreed to lay down their arms as Jack Wilson was deployed abroad. After Wilson, the hero of the recent Texas church shooting, was named the leader of America's military operations abroad, terrorists immediately surrendered, knowing they had very little chance. Wilson was airdropped in behind enemy lines but didn't need to fire a single shot. "We agree to an unconditional surrender, under whatever terms Mr. Wilson sees fit," said one ISIS leader nervously after turning himself in to a grizzled Wilson, brandishing his SIG P229-357 SIG. "Please do not hurt us." Wilson then moved his hand, and hundreds of surrendering terrorists hit the deck, scrambling for cover. But he was just reaching for a breath mint, and they all breathed a sigh of relief. North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un likewise gave up his nuclear program and immediately resigned, agreeing to turn the country into a true democratic republic right away and apologizing for decades of civil rights abuses. "No need to send Mr. Wilson over here," he said, sweating. "We are complying with all of America's demands." Wilson accepted their surrender, provided they repent, believe the gospel, and are baptized.

satire

Title: Nation's Christians Wish God Had Given Them Some Kind Of Unimpeachable, Incorruptible Leader To Follow U.S. - The nation's Christians are lamenting the fact that God never gave them a leader they could follow who was unimpeachable, incorruptible, and absolutely perfect in every way. "If only God had given us a leader who could never be impeached, whose moral character was impeccable, and who would even sacrifice himself to save us," said one man in Oklahoma. "Alas, he just gave us Trump, who's pretty close to that, I guess. But still -- he makes mistakes, like David did." Christians said that God could have used the pattern of David but instead given them a leader who was "even better than David." "Like, maybe He could have appointed someone to rule who's like a second David -- following King David's type but without sin," said Pastor Jeremiah Benson in Arkansas. "He could be the better Adam, the better Moses, the better Trump." Believers across the country said that if God had seen it fit to give them a leader like that, they wouldn't need to trust in kings, princes, or presidents. "We could just, like, not worry too much about how things are going in the political realm, because we would know that our leader could never be removed or corrupted." "Oh well."

satire

Title: Castro’s Campaign Fails As Democrats Realize His First Name Isn’t Fidel U.S. - Julian Castro was forced to pull out of the Democratic primaries after Democrats suddenly realized his first name wasn't Fidel. Many Dems had thrown their support behind Castro, excited that the legendary human rights activist and Commie was running for president. They were much less enthused to learn it was actually Julian Castro who was running, a guy they'd never heard of, and presumably not quite as far left as Fidel. "Castro seemed to be running on the star power of his last name alone," said one commentator. "Faking Democrats into believing you're a Communist dictator can jumpstart a campaign, but it just isn't enough to carry you over the finish line. As soon as Democrats realize you're not the guy who brought Cuba into its golden age of being a communist utopia, they're going to move onto another candidate." "Hey, wait a minute -- that's not Fidel!" yelled one man at a rally as Julian Castro came out to give a speech. "Get him!" Castro tried to calm the crowd down by telling them his socialist policies were "pretty close" to those that destroyed Cuba, but the damage was done, and the jig was up. A case of mistaken identity also sunk another campaign earlier this year, as New York politician Bob Stalin rode a wave of early popularity but was forced to drop out as people realized he wasn't that Stalin. While the fact that he wasn't Fidel Castro hurt him, pundits believe he was lacking another key component of a successful campaign: people actually being aware that you're running for president.

satire

Title: Mom Spends Full Hour Getting Kids Ready To Play In Snow For Three Minutes BARTLETT, IL - With Christmas behind them and winter break still going, kids and parents around the country are going a little stir crazy. So when the Dahlen children in suburban Chicago saw a few inches of morning snow on the ground, they were ecstatic, and immediately began begging their mom to let them play outside. "Honestly, I was thrilled to give them something to do," said Brianne Dahlen. "I just had to get them bundled up." The mother of five spent a half-hour locating snow pants, hats, and gloves for each of the young children, and another half-hour stuffing the kids into their winter gear and wrapping them with scarves. As the excited siblings finally sprinted outside to frolic in the fresh snow, Dahlen sank into her chair, thankful for a moment of peace. However, in just a few minutes, the kids stormed back into the house tattling about snowballs to the face and whining about the cold. Their mom watched with frustration as the children peeled their layers in a heap by the patio door and demanded hot chocolate. She grudgingly obliged their cocoa request, giving each child a mug that was immediately spilled.

satire

Title: Church Introverts Applaud Pope For Slapping Woman Aggressively Trying To Shake His Hand U.S. - The nation's church introverts applauded the Pope for slapping a woman's hand after she yanked him in and refused to let go. Protestants and Catholics alike united to praise the Pope for taking a stand against the aggressive extravert. Though this Pope has been a controversial one, everyone agreed that it was OK for Christians to use physical force to stop outgoing people from attacking them with their greetings. "I don't agree with this Pope on most things, but he did the right thing here," said Andrea Vagras, a church introvert from Seattle. "Honestly, he's emboldened me to slap the heavens out of those old ladies who insist on moving in for a big hug, what with their giant, scary hats and way too much perfume." Churches across the country, both Catholic and Protestant, have even begun implementing new "Pope Slap" policies, inspired by Pope Francis's self-defense maneuver. The policies allow introverted church members to defend themselves from annoying social butterflies with karate chops, open-handed slaps, and even sucker punches. Many posted signs in their foyers saying things like, "If you go in for the hug, you'll be on the rug," "Too much yap, you get the slap,"  and "Shake introverts' hands at your own risk."

satire

Title: Trump Makes New Year's Resolution To Continue Being As Great As He Always Is WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump has announced his New Year's resolution: to continue to be as great as he always is. "This is an extremely important resolution because this country depends on my superior presidenting," Trump explained in a press conference. "If I am anything less than the superb excellence I always am, millions could die." Trump says he knows his resolution will be controversial since, by his understanding, he was impeached in 2019 for being "too awesome a president," but Trump vows to continue to be that awesome in 2020, even if it leads to a second impeachment. "I just love the country too much to be anything less than as great as I always am." To help with this resolution, Trump plans to read some self-maintaining books to help continue to be as good as he is. He does not plan to read any self-improvement books, though, since being any better than he already is "is not humanly possible."

satire

Title: Hillary Clinton Slams Trump For Not Taking A More 'Hands-Off' Approach To Embassy Attack WASHINGTON, D.C - Hillary Clinton has slammed President Trump on Twitter for not taking a more "hands-off" approach to the protests in Iraq that threatened American lives at the embassy there. After Trump quickly sent Marines to defend Americans trapped at the embassy, Clinton immediately blasted him for taking such "rash, uncalled-for" action when he could have just "waited around a while to see what happens." "If I were president, I definitely would have let things play out," she said. "Sending American troops to protect American lives seems a little hasty. What if you need to get a little shut-eye or recharge in your lizard person spawning chamber for a few hours?" "I would have slept on it first." She later admitted her criticisms might not matter, because, "What difference, at this point, does it make?" Meanwhile, Americans under siege at the embassy took a few moments to thank God that Hillary Clinton is not the president of the United States.

satire

Title: Baptists Prepare To Celebrate New Year With Finest Bottle Of Sparkling Apple Cider U.S. - Baptists across the nation excitedly prepared to ring in the new year with their finest bottles of apple cider. "This is a 2019 vintage -- very good year," said Pastor Bud Hamplock in Iowa as he showed off his apple cider cave to members of his congregation. "I've been saving this for a special occasion, like the opening of a Chick-fil-A. But they're out of the picture now, so I've decided we're gonna enjoy this tonight to celebrate another great year." Those Baptist believers who choose to exercise their Christian liberty in order to partake in apple cider dusted off their finest bottles and selected other high-end beverages. Some even got ready to celebrate with some bubbly LaCroix or a little Perrier. Baptist authorities urged caution, however, reminding believers that drinking Martinelli's to excess can result in impaired judgment, which might cause one to dance. "You don't want to have a sugar hangover all day on January 1," said Pastor Ed Lardington. "A glass or two of apple cider is more than enough for a strong believer in Christ. Let's keep each other accountable so we don't end up looking silly swaying and gyrating and dabbing and macarena-ing all over the place. That would bring dishonor to the Lord."

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Title: Nation's Churches Scramble To Upgrade To Y2K-Compliant Computers U.S. - As the end of the year rapidly approaches, the nation's churches are scrambling to upgrade their computers for Y2K compliance. Churches had reportedly called for replacing their computers with Y2K-compliant versions decades ago, but congregational votes had failed to approve the hefty three-digit expense. Many of the votes were caught up in committees as churches debated the pros and cons of moving from Windows 95 to one of those "newfangled" operating systems like Windows 98 or even Windows XP. "Why would we upgrade to Y2K compliance when old Bessie here works just fine?" asked church deacon Paul Martyr, lovingly patting the church's tower running Windows 3.1 on a beefy Intel 486 processor. "Personally, I don't feel comfortable moving to Windows 10, since the beast in Revelation had ten horns. It's clearly a satanic ploy to get us to abandon the old paths of MS-DOS." But as the end of the decade drew near, more and more churches started to take the Y2K threat seriously and agreed to splurge on a tower with a Y2K-compliant sticker. "We have to be careful with our budget, but we can loosen the purse-strings a bit when it comes to something important like making sure we're ready for the year 2000," said one pastor in Texas. "We have to be on the cutting edge."

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Title: Buttigieg Calls For Decriminalizing Crime SOUTH BEND, IN - 2020 Democratic presidential hopeful and local mayor Pete Buttigieg recently recommended "decriminalizing crime."The politician lovingly referred to as "Mayor Pete" (since no one knows how to pronounce his last name) has a track record for breaking norms. He started by suggesting simply decriminalizing drugs, but quickly realized that might not be enough to get him the coveted prison inmate vote. "It's time we let go of our old-fashioned, bigotted ideas about what's ok and what's not. As Jesus once said, 'everyone should do what is right in their own eyes.""We need to fix this unjust system that imprisons murderers, rapists, drug dealers, human traffickers, and other people following their dreams. America was built on the values of the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. If we tell criminals they can't commit a crime, we are telling them not to be who they are just to save a few 'innocent' people. We have to stop putting society before individuals."As an openly gay man in an age of intolerance, Buttigieg knows what it is like to be despised for doing something considered taboo. Standing up for people clearly in the wrong has been Pete's song from the beginning, and his tune hasn't changed. It just keeps getting louder. The Indiana mayor further made the incredible claim that by decriminalizing crime "we can bring crime down to 0%."

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