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nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Today is the day I go down in the record books for being the first guy who - who, um... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... who ate a tractor? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Actually, someone's already eaten a tractor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw, really? All at once or in li'l bites? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Over years, in tiny undigested pieces. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello? That's the world record for Longest Time Taken To Push A Disabled Tractor Through A Stupid Digestive Tract. That doesn't count! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if it DOES count, why stop at a tractor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Health and wellness? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget that noise. I'm going to eat something way bigger and show that stupid tractor guy how it's done. What's something bigger than a tractor? The box the tractor comes in? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Um, a building? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perfect! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio diary! This afternoon found me with my mouth wrapped around the brick corner of the library, suddenly wondering if this was all life held for me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not old! My |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay! Today is the day I go down in the record books for being the first guy who - who, um... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... who ate a tractor? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Actually, someone's already eaten a tractor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw, really? All at once or in li'l bites? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Over years, in tiny undigested pieces. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello? That's the world record for Longest Time Taken To Push A Disabled Tractor Through A Stupid Digestive Tract. That doesn't count! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if it DOES count, why stop at a tractor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Health and wellness? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget that noise. I'm going to eat something way bigger and show that stupid tractor guy how it's done. What's something bigger than a tractor? The box the tractor comes in? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Um, a building? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Perfect! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dear audio diary! This afternoon found me with my mouth wrapped around the brick corner of the library, suddenly wondering if this was all life held for me. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Later I had cupcakes! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE MYTH OF KING MIDAS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Midas was a king who was nice to a friend of the God of Wine, and so he gets a wish from the God of Wine! NICE! And so Midas wishes that everything he touched would turn to gold. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Instantly the ground he's standing on transforms into gold! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The gold change races across the planet's surface and down into the mantle like a shockwave, transmuting it instantly. In seconds, the Earth's iron-nickel core becomes pure non-ferrous gold, and the planet's magnetic field is lost. Unshielded from solar wind, every living creature begins to absorb desperately fatal levels of radiation. The soft gold of the planetary crust is unable to sustain the weight placed upon it, and begins to buckle and distort. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Midas watches in horror as his planet dies a golden death! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But not for long! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] He's soon overcome by the terrible sensation of drowning on dry land: any air that touches his lungs is being transmuted on contact into tiny flecks of gold. He suffocates and dies as his lungs fill with the formerly precious metal. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Air that touches his cooling body continues to transmute, and he's soon covered in a fine golden layer of ash. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha! What a silly thing to say! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE MYTH OF KING MIDAS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Midas was a king who was nice to a friend of the God of Wine, and so he gets a wish from the God of Wine! NICE! And so Midas wishes that everything he touched would turn to gold. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Instantly the ground he's standing on transforms into gold! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The gold change races across the planet's surface and down into the mantle like a shockwave, transmuting it instantly. In seconds, the Earth's iron-nickel core becomes pure non-ferrous gold, and the planet's magnetic field is lost. Unshielded from solar wind, every living creature begins to absorb desperately fatal levels of radiation. The soft gold of the planetary crust is unable to sustain the weight placed upon it, and begins to buckle and distort. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Midas watches in horror as his planet dies a golden death! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But not for long! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] He's soon overcome by the terrible sensation of drowning on dry land: any air that touches his lungs is being transmuted on contact into tiny flecks of gold. He suffocates and dies as his lungs fill with the formerly precious metal. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Air that touches his cooling body continues to transmute, and he's soon covered in a fine golden layer of ash. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The moral is not to make wishes like |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So gravity happens because matter bends spacetime and blah blah blah. But dudes, I had a crazy idea! What if instead of gravity being a property of matter, it was a property of the ENTIRE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Have all minds within the sound of my voice been COMPLETELY AND IRREVOCABLY BLOWN?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So check it: the universe is suffused with tiny invisible particles that travel in equal intensity from all directions. So if you were alone in the universe, you'd be hit equally from all directions and nothing would happen. But if there's a planet in front of you, then any particles coming from its direction are going to hit it instead and not you! So you're no longer in balance, and particles coming from BEHIND you will push you towards the planet. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And YOU'RE blocking a much smaller number of particles from hitting the planet, so it'll move a little towards you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's a fun theory, but if you're absorbing particles all the time, shouldn't you be gaining mass? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, because they're "#8212; massless? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so you'd be absorbing energy then. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're "#8212; energyless as well? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON, T-REX FINDS OUT THAT HIS GRAVITATIONAL THEORY HAS ALREADY BEEN PROPOSED BACK IN THE YEAR 1690! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone in the past needs to stop preemptively plagiarizing my ideas! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People find hugs comforting because it reminds them of the tight |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So gravity happens because matter bends spacetime and blah blah blah. But dudes, I had a crazy idea! What if instead of gravity being a property of matter, it was a property of the ENTIRE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Have all minds within the sound of my voice been COMPLETELY AND IRREVOCABLY BLOWN?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So check it: the universe is suffused with tiny invisible particles that travel in equal intensity from all directions. So if you were alone in the universe, you'd be hit equally from all directions and nothing would happen. But if there's a planet in front of you, then any particles coming from its direction are going to hit it instead and not you! So you're no longer in balance, and particles coming from BEHIND you will push you towards the planet. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And YOU'RE blocking a much smaller number of particles from hitting the planet, so it'll move a little towards you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's a fun theory, but if you're absorbing particles all the time, shouldn't you be gaining mass? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, because they're "#8212; massless? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so you'd be absorbing energy then. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're "#8212; energyless as well? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON, T-REX FINDS OUT THAT HIS GRAVITATIONAL THEORY HAS ALREADY BEEN PROPOSED BACK IN THE YEAR 1690! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone in the past needs to stop preemptively plagiarizing my ideas! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I keep saying that but it keeps happening! It's total crap!! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is the point of going to sleep? I'm just going to wake up again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait! I'm a genius! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With my nights freed up from the chore of sleep, I will become unstoppable! I'll have an extra eight hours to plan and scheme! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will stop sleeping right away! Tonight! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who knows what the future holds for me? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWENTY YEARS LATER... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Want to come over for a slumber party? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh, sorry, I forgot how you never sleep. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the hell, man? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty disappointed this hasn't happened |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What is the point of going to sleep? I'm just going to wake up again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wait! I'm a genius! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With my nights freed up from the chore of sleep, I will become unstoppable! I'll have an extra eight hours to plan and scheme! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I will stop sleeping right away! Tonight! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who knows what the future holds for me? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWENTY YEARS LATER... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Want to come over for a slumber party? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Oh, sorry, I forgot how you never sleep. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the hell, man? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's been like twenty years! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay so this game is called "Guess Two Thirds of the Average"! We all pick a number between 0 and 100 and guess what 2/3rds of the average of everyone else's guesses will be! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The winner is the person who guesses the closest number! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So let's say everyone else chose 100 - you'd want to choose 66.67, because that's 2/3rds of 100. But the catch is you all choose your numbers at the same time and don't tell the other players. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So, 66.67 is really the ceiling - any number larger than that can't possibly win! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But I can assume all the other players know this too, and won't guess higher than 66.67. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So in that case I should choose 2/3rds of THAT, which is - 44.44? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But assuming the other players know that too... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...then I keep taking 2/3rds off that number until I end up at 0. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Woo [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] FROM OFF-SCREEN [LINE] Who here can name a game that sounds like it's way more fun than it actually is? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] PICK ME! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here's a solution to that! DON'T |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay so this game is called "Guess Two Thirds of the Average"! We all pick a number between 0 and 100 and guess what 2/3rds of the average of everyone else's guesses will be! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The winner is the person who guesses the closest number! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So let's say everyone else chose 100 - you'd want to choose 66.67, because that's 2/3rds of 100. But the catch is you all choose your numbers at the same time and don't tell the other players. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] So, 66.67 is really the ceiling - any number larger than that can't possibly win! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But I can assume all the other players know this too, and won't guess higher than 66.67. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So in that case I should choose 2/3rds of THAT, which is - 44.44? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But assuming the other players know that too... [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...then I keep taking 2/3rds off that number until I end up at 0. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Woo [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] FROM OFF-SCREEN [LINE] Who here can name a game that sounds like it's way more fun than it actually is? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] PICK ME! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GUESS TWO THIRDS OF THE AVERAGE |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have kissed a lady. I have seen PLENTY of beautiful sunsets. I've even driven a car through a fruit stand during a car chase! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...What's left? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This, my friends, is the malaise of the glutton at life's buffet, The Man Who Achieved Too Much Too Soon. He looks ahead, his life not half over, and sees no more frontiers to conquer, no more challenges, no more surprises! All that remains is a slow slide into compromise and old age, the long December spent waiting for the day his mind and body finally fail. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then: death! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! We're seriously talking about you here? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, here's some things you've never done! you've never tried fugu, punched out a ghost, gotten married, eaten your way out of a whale, gone heli-skiing, or been shot at by a criminal, but then ran around the bullets at super speed, grabbed the criminal, and then ran back at super speed so that he could be shot by his own bullets. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS DONE THESE THINGS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! It's so awesome! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have kissed a lady. I have seen PLENTY of beautiful sunsets. I've even driven a car through a fruit stand during a car chase! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...What's left? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This, my friends, is the malaise of the glutton at life's buffet, The Man Who Achieved Too Much Too Soon. He looks ahead, his life not half over, and sees no more frontiers to conquer, no more challenges, no more surprises! All that remains is a slow slide into compromise and old age, the long December spent waiting for the day his mind and body finally fail. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then: death! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hah! We're seriously talking about you here? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, here's some things you've never done! you've never tried fugu, punched out a ghost, gotten married, eaten your way out of a whale, gone heli-skiing, or been shot at by a criminal, but then ran around the bullets at super speed, grabbed the criminal, and then ran back at super speed so that he could be shot by his own bullets. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX HAS DONE THESE THINGS: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I guess I could |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder what it's like being a ghost. Immortality coupled with incorporeality seems like a potent combination! Is it TRULY 24/7 party times? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's one way to find out! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "A TALK WITH GOD" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excuse me, God! What's being a ghost like? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHAT I AM NOT A GHOST T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay but what's the difference between you and a ghost then? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT WHEN I SAY "BOO" PEOPLE GET TOTALLY SPOOKED [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LISTEN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THAT WAS A BAD EXAMPLE [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LISTEN ANOTHER DIFFERENCE IS THAT I CAN CREATE UNIVERSES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've no evidence that ghosts can't do that! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was saying, I don't have any evidence that ghosts can't create universes. Maybe they just CHOOSE not to, you know? Maybe they've got enough hassles without adding a whole new UNIVERSE on top of them. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nevermind! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, it would be more convenient for me if other people could hear you. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX IT WOULD BE MORE CONVENIENT FOR ME IF YOU WEREN'T SO SASSY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am Matthew Broderick: computer hacker! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I wonder what it's like being a ghost. Immortality coupled with incorporeality seems like a potent combination! Is it TRULY 24/7 party times? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There's one way to find out! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "A TALK WITH GOD" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excuse me, God! What's being a ghost like? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WHAT I AM NOT A GHOST T-REX [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay but what's the difference between you and a ghost then? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT WHEN I SAY "BOO" PEOPLE GET TOTALLY SPOOKED [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LISTEN [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] THAT WAS A BAD EXAMPLE [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] LISTEN ANOTHER DIFFERENCE IS THAT I CAN CREATE UNIVERSES [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've no evidence that ghosts can't do that! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was saying, I don't have any evidence that ghosts can't create universes. Maybe they just CHOOSE not to, you know? Maybe they've got enough hassles without adding a whole new UNIVERSE on top of them. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nevermind! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, it would be more convenient for me if other people could hear you. [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX IT WOULD BE MORE CONVENIENT FOR ME IF YOU WEREN'T SO SASSY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God! We will DEFINITELY have to |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cave painting: check. Renaissance-era painting: check. Astrolabe from the Age of Discovery stuffed inside my computer: check! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It appears I have finished decorating my house! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's a pretty eclectic set of decorations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is! But here's my angle: let's say there's a catastrophe and everyone dies. When Future Folks dig up my house, I will throw their historical understanding into chaos! They will say "HOW COULD A CAVE MAN OWN A RENAISSANCE-ERA PAINTING AND A COMPUTER WITH AN ASTROLABE STUFFED IN IT?! FRIG. HISTORY IS RUINED, YOU GUYS." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or they could simply deduce that someone collected these things from the past! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They might! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But THEN worst case they'll think, "Wait, nevermind: THIS dude just had supremely excellent taste!!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So either you want to destroy a future generation's idea of history, or be remembered for your skills at interior decoration. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, either way I win! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EPILOGUE: YEARS LATER, T-REX IS MOSTLY REMEMBERED FOR THE ONE TIME HE SAID "WHICH ONE OF YOU JERKS POURED A COFFEE IN MY HAT?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, future generations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So then I just gave her |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Cave painting: check. Renaissance-era painting: check. Astrolabe from the Age of Discovery stuffed inside my computer: check! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It appears I have finished decorating my house! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's a pretty eclectic set of decorations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is! But here's my angle: let's say there's a catastrophe and everyone dies. When Future Folks dig up my house, I will throw their historical understanding into chaos! They will say "HOW COULD A CAVE MAN OWN A RENAISSANCE-ERA PAINTING AND A COMPUTER WITH AN ASTROLABE STUFFED IN IT?! FRIG. HISTORY IS RUINED, YOU GUYS." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Or they could simply deduce that someone collected these things from the past! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They might! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But THEN worst case they'll think, "Wait, nevermind: THIS dude just had supremely excellent taste!!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So either you want to destroy a future generation's idea of history, or be remembered for your skills at interior decoration. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, either way I win! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EPILOGUE: YEARS LATER, T-REX IS MOSTLY REMEMBERED FOR THE ONE TIME HE SAID "WHICH ONE OF YOU JERKS POURED A COFFEE IN MY HAT?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, future generations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm still calling that a win! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need to get the best present EVER for Utahraptor this year. And that present is clearly, a - um... a... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HERE IS WHERE IT ALL GOES WRONG: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A spouse!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the best gift! If things go well then years later people will say "How did you two meet?" and he can say "T-Rex hooked us up for Chistmas! BEST GIFT EVER!!" and then they can high five! [SPEAKER] DROMICIOMIMUS [LINE] Yeah, but when it goes poorly, your gift is nothing but an INCREDIBLY AWKWARD BOXIND DAY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm doing it!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So I got the link you emailed me, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! God on...! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's a dating profile for me, using a picture taken through my kitchen window. My hair colour is given as "bald but kool", my age as "about my age, I'd say", and my interests as "spouses" and "ASCII art thumbs up" and then the rest of my profile is this enormous ASCII art thumbs up. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What happened to room 404? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I need to get the best present EVER for Utahraptor this year. And that present is clearly, a - um... a... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HERE IS WHERE IT ALL GOES WRONG: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] A spouse!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the best gift! If things go well then years later people will say "How did you two meet?" and he can say "T-Rex hooked us up for Chistmas! BEST GIFT EVER!!" and then they can high five! [SPEAKER] DROMICIOMIMUS [LINE] Yeah, but when it goes poorly, your gift is nothing but an INCREDIBLY AWKWARD BOXIND DAY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm doing it!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So I got the link you emailed me, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! God on...! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's a dating profile for me, using a picture taken through my kitchen window. My hair colour is given as "bald but kool", my age as "about my age, I'd say", and my interests as "spouses" and "ASCII art thumbs up" and then the rest of my profile is this enormous ASCII art thumbs up. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Upon closer inspection that was |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WIKIPEDIA HAS BECOME A REAL PERSON! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I don't know how it happened but it's true! Wikipedia is a woman now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And she's super smart, too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You ask her about frogs, and bam! She knows ALL ABOUT THEM. And then you ask her about trains, and she's all, "Did you mean the band? The album? THE BAVARIAN VILLAGE??"and I'm like, "All of them, I guess!" It's great. It's kind like dating God! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I - you're dating her? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT SOON: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So hey, how are things going with that Wikipedia lady? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Awful!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We were in bed and I kissed her, and I asked her about herself, right? To set the mood? And she swore at me, but then she took it back, and then she yelled "HITLER WAS RIGHT", but then she took it back, and then she showed me a picture of a wiener, but then I said "You know what I think I'm done asking about you." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe! I guess I look at people with real responsibility and wonder if |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] WIKIPEDIA HAS BECOME A REAL PERSON! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I don't know how it happened but it's true! Wikipedia is a woman now. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And she's super smart, too! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You ask her about frogs, and bam! She knows ALL ABOUT THEM. And then you ask her about trains, and she's all, "Did you mean the band? The album? THE BAVARIAN VILLAGE??"and I'm like, "All of them, I guess!" It's great. It's kind like dating God! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I - you're dating her? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BUT SOON: [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So hey, how are things going with that Wikipedia lady? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! Awful!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We were in bed and I kissed her, and I asked her about herself, right? To set the mood? And she swore at me, but then she took it back, and then she yelled "HITLER WAS RIGHT", but then she took it back, and then she showed me a picture of a wiener, but then I said "You know what I think I'm done asking about you." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Later I asked her about Christmas and she told me Santa wasn't real |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I found out about the best word yesterday: "frigorific"! It means "cold". With this word I can now finally say the sentence, "DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Frigorific" is actually old news, T-Rex! It was Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day last - Thursday, I think? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? Screw those guys, man! I don't even care if it WAS their Word of the Day last week. It's my Word of the Day TODAY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, who trusts a Word of the Day chosen by the publisher of a DICTIONARY? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Basically everyone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's ridiculous! It's like asking Kellogg's what their Cereal of the Day is. Hey, here's a hint! I BET IT'LL BE A CEREAL MANUFACTURED BY KELLOGG'S! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But M-W will obviously choose words in the dictionary! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THEIR dictionary, not THE dictionary! There's like 80 billion words they've never heard about. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See? I couldn't find "sexplosive", "mathemagician", "backne" OR "ambisextrous"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm pretty sure my life is better without those words. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] These events only serve to further undermine my credibility! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I found out about the best word yesterday: "frigorific"! It means "cold". With this word I can now finally say the sentence, "DAAAAMN, girlfriend, that was totally frigorific!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT SENTENCE. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] "Frigorific" is actually old news, T-Rex! It was Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day last - Thursday, I think? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You know what? Screw those guys, man! I don't even care if it WAS their Word of the Day last week. It's my Word of the Day TODAY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway, who trusts a Word of the Day chosen by the publisher of a DICTIONARY? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Basically everyone? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's ridiculous! It's like asking Kellogg's what their Cereal of the Day is. Hey, here's a hint! I BET IT'LL BE A CEREAL MANUFACTURED BY KELLOGG'S! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But M-W will obviously choose words in the dictionary! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THEIR dictionary, not THE dictionary! There's like 80 billion words they've never heard about. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SOON: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See? I couldn't find "sexplosive", "mathemagician", "backne" OR "ambisextrous"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I'm pretty sure my life is better without those words. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor! No one has ever said that about "ambisextrous". |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay so we've all evolved from lesser beings and in order to continue the species, we have a genetic imperative to reproduce! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And this is PROBABLY why sexin' is fun times! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I'm told that when you hold your newborn child in your arms for the first time, this is a transcendental and joyous life-changing event. Sure, fine! I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU. But why are these pleasures just related to reproduction? Why can't I have the joy of having a child without actually HAVING to have the child? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's my understanding that children are really expensive, you guys!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't see what kind of shortcut, you're going for here! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Genetic Engineering! It's SO EASY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] let's just replace the biological imperative to reproduce! Let's give ourselves the same joy and wonder from an egg sammich as we get from first holding our child in our arms! Let's make gum as deeply fulfilling as watching your child graduate top of the class, Dean's list, summa cum laude. Bubblegum flavour. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So your ideal future is one where everyone's weeping over their Whoppers with Cheese, and nobody's having sex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who said anything about not having sex? The whole point is you can do both at the same time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Alright. I'll use that as the title. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay so we've all evolved from lesser beings and in order to continue the species, we have a genetic imperative to reproduce! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And this is PROBABLY why sexin' is fun times! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I'm told that when you hold your newborn child in your arms for the first time, this is a transcendental and joyous life-changing event. Sure, fine! I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU. But why are these pleasures just related to reproduction? Why can't I have the joy of having a child without actually HAVING to have the child? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's my understanding that children are really expensive, you guys!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't see what kind of shortcut, you're going for here! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Genetic Engineering! It's SO EASY. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] let's just replace the biological imperative to reproduce! Let's give ourselves the same joy and wonder from an egg sammich as we get from first holding our child in our arms! Let's make gum as deeply fulfilling as watching your child graduate top of the class, Dean's list, summa cum laude. Bubblegum flavour. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So your ideal future is one where everyone's weeping over their Whoppers with Cheese, and nobody's having sex? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Who said anything about not having sex? The whole point is you can do both at the same time! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Boo hoo this is tasty boo hoo |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a generous guy! If someone wants to go in front of me in traffic, I slow down and let them in. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's all an act! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I let someone cut in front of me for two reasons: because I figure this way it's more likely they'll do the same for me in the future, and because I recognize that it helps the traffic system as a whole. But this isn't generosity, it's greed! It's well-presented greed. It's me selfishly wanting to get around quickly so BADLY that I'll sacrifice the short term for the long term. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you think you're not actually a good person! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll ask if you want the last piece of pie before I take it, but again: that's just me selfishly wanting friends and knowing that actually showing my greediness impedes that. Otherwise I'd be gobbling it like crazy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, even if it's an act, at least you're pretending! Tons of folks won't even do that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's true! And... and that means as long as they're still around, then I'm NOT the worst person ever! Oh my God, now I have a perfectly selfish reason to be thankful for all the jerks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I see. That's cool, I GUESS. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am a generous guy! If someone wants to go in front of me in traffic, I slow down and let them in. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's all an act! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I let someone cut in front of me for two reasons: because I figure this way it's more likely they'll do the same for me in the future, and because I recognize that it helps the traffic system as a whole. But this isn't generosity, it's greed! It's well-presented greed. It's me selfishly wanting to get around quickly so BADLY that I'll sacrifice the short term for the long term. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So you think you're not actually a good person! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll ask if you want the last piece of pie before I take it, but again: that's just me selfishly wanting friends and knowing that actually showing my greediness impedes that. Otherwise I'd be gobbling it like crazy! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well, even if it's an act, at least you're pretending! Tons of folks won't even do that. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's true! And... and that means as long as they're still around, then I'm NOT the worst person ever! Oh my God, now I have a perfectly selfish reason to be thankful for all the jerks! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're SUCH a good friend, Utahraptor! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's say you're playing chess with someone, and suddenly they have a fatal heart attack. This is the best possible way to win, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You have kicked their ass at chess so HARD that they DIED. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It doesn't matter if you were losing when they kicked the bucket: you've still won with the best finishing move possible! And what's more, your victory is SO AWESOME that it completely overshadows everything your opponent ever accomplished during his life! People will say, "Sure, that guy may have CURED CANCER, but he lost so badly at chess that he died." EVERY VERSION OF HIS OBITUARY WILL END WITH "CHECKMATE." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Every time we play chess, you're hoping that I die!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, I am. But it's a small hope! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, a small hope I'll be dead and gone and remembered as "The Guy Who Was So Upset When He Lost His Queen That His Heart Stopped Beating"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not a terrible person, Utahraptor! If you died playing chess I'd be sad, obviously! But also happy, because I KICKED YOUR ASS STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The mere sight of you has returned my anger! Why did you put out that book? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's say you're playing chess with someone, and suddenly they have a fatal heart attack. This is the best possible way to win, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You have kicked their ass at chess so HARD that they DIED. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It doesn't matter if you were losing when they kicked the bucket: you've still won with the best finishing move possible! And what's more, your victory is SO AWESOME that it completely overshadows everything your opponent ever accomplished during his life! People will say, "Sure, that guy may have CURED CANCER, but he lost so badly at chess that he died." EVERY VERSION OF HIS OBITUARY WILL END WITH "CHECKMATE." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Every time we play chess, you're hoping that I die!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, I am. But it's a small hope! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Yeah, a small hope I'll be dead and gone and remembered as "The Guy Who Was So Upset When He Lost His Queen That His Heart Stopped Beating"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! Exactly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm not a terrible person, Utahraptor! If you died playing chess I'd be sad, obviously! But also happy, because I KICKED YOUR ASS STRAIGHT TO THE GRAVE. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Let us pause here and remember how truth and honesty are the foundation of any social |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Most of Shakespeare's life is a mystery! People spend their time reading his plays and saying "Man, this guy has dudes sailing from cities that are days away from large bodies of water." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "He must not have known geography that well!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Therefore... he must not have travelled that much! I HAVE UNCOVERED A FACT ABOUT SHAKESPEARE'S LIFE!" and then they're happy. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But that's because there's not much we actually know about Shakespeare's life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's exactly my point! We're RECONSTRUCTING it from hints, subtext, deduction and innuendo from his works. I CAN USE THIS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In my own life! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll write plays that HINT at how great I am, how smart and sexy and awesome everyone finds me. Then I just excise every other mention of myself from history, and the plays are the only source left! They're the only way to learn about the towering mind behind them, this Adonis of authors, this... T-Rex. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But what if your play sucks and nobody wants to know ANYTHING about its author? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please. My first play is called "The Motorist Who Spewed Racial Epithets While Also Spewing Vomit"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I saw a totally sweet ad yesterday! I wanted to show it to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Most of Shakespeare's life is a mystery! People spend their time reading his plays and saying "Man, this guy has dudes sailing from cities that are days away from large bodies of water." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "He must not have known geography that well!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "Therefore... he must not have travelled that much! I HAVE UNCOVERED A FACT ABOUT SHAKESPEARE'S LIFE!" and then they're happy. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But that's because there's not much we actually know about Shakespeare's life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's exactly my point! We're RECONSTRUCTING it from hints, subtext, deduction and innuendo from his works. I CAN USE THIS. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In my own life! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'll write plays that HINT at how great I am, how smart and sexy and awesome everyone finds me. Then I just excise every other mention of myself from history, and the plays are the only source left! They're the only way to learn about the towering mind behind them, this Adonis of authors, this... T-Rex. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But what if your play sucks and nobody wants to know ANYTHING about its author? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please. My first play is called "The Motorist Who Spewed Racial Epithets While Also Spewing Vomit"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (It was inspired by an actual motorist I felt terrible about AND for!) |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, God! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY WHAT'S UP [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was wondering, what happens when you die? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] PRETTY SURE I GET TO LIVE FOREVER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No no, I mean, what happens when the RHETORICAL "you" dies? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WE ALL START SPEAKING MORE PRECISELY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What happens to ME when I die? Me. Myself! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I DO BELIEVE YOU GET BRAINED BY A TEAP CUP [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Argh! Never try to have a theological discussion with God! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I never do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In fact, I don't try to have theological discussions, period! Debating something that boils down to "I believe this despite an absence of proof" is not my idea of fun times. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DIE [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...Don't you get brained by a teacup? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Last night I dreamt I had been invited to a fancy party, far away, and the host was nice enough to buy me a plane ticket to get there. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So, God! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] HEY WHAT'S UP [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I was wondering, what happens when you die? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] UM [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] PRETTY SURE I GET TO LIVE FOREVER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No no, I mean, what happens when the RHETORICAL "you" dies? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] WE ALL START SPEAKING MORE PRECISELY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What happens to ME when I die? Me. Myself! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I DO BELIEVE YOU GET BRAINED BY A TEAP CUP [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Argh! Never try to have a theological discussion with God! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I never do! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] In fact, I don't try to have theological discussions, period! Debating something that boils down to "I believe this despite an absence of proof" is not my idea of fun times. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DIE [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...Don't you get brained by a teacup? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Alright, that's it. Attention, everyone! I have an announcement to make! I don't know when people started using "brain" as a verb, but i find I am forced to |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Any machine that travels through time has to be a machine that travels through space as well! I've been saying this for years. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because dudes, the Earth is spinning on its axis! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it's whipping around the sun, and the sun is rotating in the arm of a galaxy that's also whipping around the Universe. You go back in time without travelling through space, you're likely to find yourself alone in the vacuum, millions of kilometers behind the Earth you left a (relative) instant ago! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps! But this problem only comes up if you're not the centre of the Universe. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] If you're not the centre of the Universe, then you're perched on an Earth that's whipping through space, and sure, there's problems from that. But if you ARE the centre of the Universe, then everything's revolving around you! You can go through time without worry, because you'll always arrive right where you started. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, wow! This means that if we can travel through time, then we can also SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE whether of not someone is actually the centre of the Universe. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow, that's exciting! I wonder who'll be at |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Any machine that travels through time has to be a machine that travels through space as well! I've been saying this for years. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because dudes, the Earth is spinning on its axis! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And it's whipping around the sun, and the sun is rotating in the arm of a galaxy that's also whipping around the Universe. You go back in time without travelling through space, you're likely to find yourself alone in the vacuum, millions of kilometers behind the Earth you left a (relative) instant ago! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps! But this problem only comes up if you're not the centre of the Universe. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] If you're not the centre of the Universe, then you're perched on an Earth that's whipping through space, and sure, there's problems from that. But if you ARE the centre of the Universe, then everything's revolving around you! You can go through time without worry, because you'll always arrive right where you started. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, wow! This means that if we can travel through time, then we can also SCIENTIFICALLY PROVE whether of not someone is actually the centre of the Universe. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Science keeps surprising me in surprising new ways! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's Tuesday, everyone! Let's talk about our bodies!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wooooo [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, my body is big AND tall AND it has many hidden surprises. I wonder which one YOU'LL discover next? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who describes their own body as "surprising". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not "Oh gosh oh gosh I didn't know that smell could exist" 24/7! There's good surprises too! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You really think your body is perfect, don't you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Honestly, I don't see any flaws! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? Because if you had wings on your back, that would look incredible in this amazing death metal sort of way, and they might even give you limited flight abilities. I'd say that's MORE perfect! I'd say it's so much more perfect, in fact, that their absence becomes an almost palpable flaw. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was a DREAM I had. Just |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's Tuesday, everyone! Let's talk about our bodies!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wooooo [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, my body is big AND tall AND it has many hidden surprises. I wonder which one YOU'LL discover next? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I'm not sure I'd want to be with someone who describes their own body as "surprising". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not "Oh gosh oh gosh I didn't know that smell could exist" 24/7! There's good surprises too! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You really think your body is perfect, don't you? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Honestly, I don't see any flaws! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? Because if you had wings on your back, that would look incredible in this amazing death metal sort of way, and they might even give you limited flight abilities. I'd say that's MORE perfect! I'd say it's so much more perfect, in fact, that their absence becomes an almost palpable flaw. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I used to be better at imagination |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have been assuming that our development as a people is linear, moving generally from less to more permissive. It occurs to me: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe that isn't always the case! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe 100 years from now people will look back on us and say "MAN I can't believe they permitted lifestyles different than my own, current lifestyle. Sheesh!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Or maybe they'll look back and be aghast at all the animals we kill and eat for food? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man, do you really think so? Frig, I'd be TOTALY POOCHED. I've eaten so many friggin' animals! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Most of us have though! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but I'm totally the worst. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Future folks can munch on a carrot, look back on us and say "They were wrong to eat so many tasty animals." FINE. But then when they see the caliber, frequency and verve of MY animal consumption, they'll spit out their carrots in surprise! And teh carrot chunks are 99% guaranteed to spell out the words "HISTORY'S GREATEST VILLAIN"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on! Our culture COULD end up swinging towards rampant fleshotarianism instead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's true. Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I've discovered how to turn most any love song into a sea shanty! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I have been assuming that our development as a people is linear, moving generally from less to more permissive. It occurs to me: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe that isn't always the case! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe 100 years from now people will look back on us and say "MAN I can't believe they permitted lifestyles different than my own, current lifestyle. Sheesh!" [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Or maybe they'll look back and be aghast at all the animals we kill and eat for food? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Aw man, do you really think so? Frig, I'd be TOTALY POOCHED. I've eaten so many friggin' animals! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Most of us have though! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but I'm totally the worst. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Future folks can munch on a carrot, look back on us and say "They were wrong to eat so many tasty animals." FINE. But then when they see the caliber, frequency and verve of MY animal consumption, they'll spit out their carrots in surprise! And teh carrot chunks are 99% guaranteed to spell out the words "HISTORY'S GREATEST VILLAIN"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Come on! Our culture COULD end up swinging towards rampant fleshotarianism instead. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's true. Man! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The future having different opinions than the present is making it REALLY HARD |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ADVENTURES IN METAPHORS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey everyone, let's kick up our metaphors a notch, okay? It's time for 800-pound gorillas to become 1000-pound gorillas! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 10,000-pound gorillas!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's time for us to do things three-quarters assed. Or deci-assed. If we're doing something femto-assed then why are we even doing it at all? [SPEAKER] DOMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's time for us to not just break the ice, but smash it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We can do whatever we want, Dromiceiomimus! We can gently tap on the ice. We can rub our cheeks on the ice. WE CAN SMASH THROUGH THE ICE WITH A SUPERHEATED NUCLEAR BOMB!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't see how this engenders effective communication. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I don't see how that's possible! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We will not be "rolling in dough", Utahraptor. We will be SNOWBOARDING down MOUNTAINS of dough. Dough will splash up and get in our eyes. We will have to go to the doctor, and we will say, "You can keep what you pull out of my eyes, Doc. These days I'm snowboarding down mountains of the stuff." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: ADVENTURES IN FRIENDSHIP! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It will be about a young |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ADVENTURES IN METAPHORS! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey everyone, let's kick up our metaphors a notch, okay? It's time for 800-pound gorillas to become 1000-pound gorillas! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] 10,000-pound gorillas!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's time for us to do things three-quarters assed. Or deci-assed. If we're doing something femto-assed then why are we even doing it at all? [SPEAKER] DOMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's time for us to not just break the ice, but smash it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We can do whatever we want, Dromiceiomimus! We can gently tap on the ice. We can rub our cheeks on the ice. WE CAN SMASH THROUGH THE ICE WITH A SUPERHEATED NUCLEAR BOMB!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I don't see how this engenders effective communication. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I don't see how that's possible! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We will not be "rolling in dough", Utahraptor. We will be SNOWBOARDING down MOUNTAINS of dough. Dough will splash up and get in our eyes. We will have to go to the doctor, and we will say, "You can keep what you pull out of my eyes, Doc. These days I'm snowboarding down mountains of the stuff." [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: ADVENTURES IN FRIENDSHIP! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why didn't he compliment my metaphor |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget it! All these personal revelations have left me baffled, disoriented. Values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I believe this is called "nihilism". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When we abandon illusions, life is revealed as nothing! It is nothing short of absurd! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is no objective order to the world: all values are baseless and reasoning is impotent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Destruction is the natural response to such a metaphysical collapse! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GoodBYE, house! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is futile to do one's best in an absurd world! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] IS it not true that a "cheerful nihilism" can carry the day, distinguished by an easy-going acceptance of meaninglessness? There is no need for such physical and psychological destruction. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Consider that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If we accept that all perspectives are equally non-binding, then intellectual or moral arrogance will determine which perspective has precedence! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] (I like all my parties to have |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Forget it! All these personal revelations have left me baffled, disoriented. Values are baseless and nothing can be known or communicated! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I believe this is called "nihilism". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] When we abandon illusions, life is revealed as nothing! It is nothing short of absurd! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There is no objective order to the world: all values are baseless and reasoning is impotent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Destruction is the natural response to such a metaphysical collapse! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] GoodBYE, house! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is futile to do one's best in an absurd world! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wait! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] IS it not true that a "cheerful nihilism" can carry the day, distinguished by an easy-going acceptance of meaninglessness? There is no need for such physical and psychological destruction. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Consider that! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If we accept that all perspectives are equally non-binding, then intellectual or moral arrogance will determine which perspective has precedence! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MY APOCALYPTIC TENOR HAS NOT BEEN DISPELLED! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's so great about being an adult? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's consider! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Adults can eat whatever foods they want, but also have to pay income taxes and manage personal finances, which is Boring and Stupid! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Adults can buy their own clothes, but also have to reconcile themselves to the fact that sooner or later, their best years will be behind them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Adults can own grocery stores, but also have to face the long slow of their body, mind and self! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Adults can see R-rated movies, but also have responsibility for their own well-being! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Adults can pilot helicopters, but also can marry poorly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Adults can sex each other up, but also can put so much meaning and pour so much hope into a single dream that, when this dream is finally achieved, it can never possibly live up to its expectations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPROT [LINE] Yes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! it pulls this off |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What's so great about being an adult? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Let's consider! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Adults can eat whatever foods they want, but also have to pay income taxes and manage personal finances, which is Boring and Stupid! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Adults can buy their own clothes, but also have to reconcile themselves to the fact that sooner or later, their best years will be behind them! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Adults can own grocery stores, but also have to face the long slow of their body, mind and self! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Adults can see R-rated movies, but also have responsibility for their own well-being! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Adults can pilot helicopters, but also can marry poorly! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Adults can sex each other up, but also can put so much meaning and pour so much hope into a single dream that, when this dream is finally achieved, it can never possibly live up to its expectations! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPROT [LINE] Yes? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...That one made me sad. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SECRETS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do we keep them in order to keep relationships running smoothly? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do we share them to cement friendships? Treasure them because we value knowledge, and if the knowledge is privileged then it's even MORE valuable? Create them because we are all hopelessly duplicitous and our public faces and private personas can never be reconciled? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps we create them out of shame? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Those who keep their failings secret appear more perfect, and so we too keep our shames private, in order to bring ourselves up to this impossible standard! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And when failings are revealed, we react with judgement, fearing any sympathy might arouse interest in our own secrets! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [[Thinking]] No-one must know I peed on the wall [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] [[Thinking]] No-one must know I peed on the wall [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I would honestly wear a shirt that says that. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] SECRETS. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do we keep them in order to keep relationships running smoothly? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do we share them to cement friendships? Treasure them because we value knowledge, and if the knowledge is privileged then it's even MORE valuable? Create them because we are all hopelessly duplicitous and our public faces and private personas can never be reconciled? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Perhaps we create them out of shame? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Those who keep their failings secret appear more perfect, and so we too keep our shames private, in order to bring ourselves up to this impossible standard! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And when failings are revealed, we react with judgement, fearing any sympathy might arouse interest in our own secrets! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [[Thinking]] No-one must know I peed on the wall [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] [[Thinking]] No-one must know I peed on the wall [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] [[Thinking]] No-one must know I bet Utahraptor peed on |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: FLASH FORWARD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Flash forwards are a useful storytelling technique! They happen when you- [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Frig, we're all dead!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get the hell out of here, Dromiceiomimus! The Contamination is right behind me! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You let it loose?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I didn't let is loose - it let itself loose! It's self-aware, I'm sure of it, but all it seems to be aware of... [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] ... is REVENGE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! Thank God I found you! Is there anything we can do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No. GOD DAMN IT, no! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It takes over our minds, our bodies! How do you fight something like that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You don't, T-Rex: you join it. You - embrace it. Don't call us "the Contamination" We just want to... elevate you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Leave me alone! Leave me alone, you monsters!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - jump ahead to show where actions might lead. It's Foreshadowing taking off her negligee! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I wish you wouldn't sexualize literary techniques, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Then, they go on the treasure hunt! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's technique: FLASH FORWARD [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Flash forwards are a useful storytelling technique! They happen when you- [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Frig, we're all dead!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Get the hell out of here, Dromiceiomimus! The Contamination is right behind me! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You let it loose?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I didn't let is loose - it let itself loose! It's self-aware, I'm sure of it, but all it seems to be aware of... [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] ... is REVENGE. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex! Thank God I found you! Is there anything we can do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No. GOD DAMN IT, no! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It takes over our minds, our bodies! How do you fight something like that? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You don't, T-Rex: you join it. You - embrace it. Don't call us "the Contamination" We just want to... elevate you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Leave me alone! Leave me alone, you monsters!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] EARLIER [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] - jump ahead to show where actions might lead. It's Foreshadowing taking off her negligee! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I wish you wouldn't sexualize literary techniques, T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I wish you wouldn't interrupt my |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's literary technique: PLOT TWISTS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Plot twists are when you think the murderer was the cape guy, but then it turns out.... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...the murderer was actually this other cape guy!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They also happen when a plant is revealed to ACTUALLY be a ghost plant. Or when Oedipus realizes he's in Oedipus Rex and then stabs out his eyes! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] He actually stabs out his eyes becuase he realizes he's murdered his father and married his mother. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *gasp* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Twists upon twists!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Plot twists don't always happen at the end, though! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes they happen in the middle. Like in romantic comedies when the female lead says "You know what I'M just not that into? NOT BEING INMY GIANT ROBOT SUIT!" and then she walks around in her giant robot suit. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then Mr. Darcy shows up in HIS robot suit, and he holds up a sign that says, "Forsooth, I had forgotten I ownned this robot Suitte"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why do all my parties always turn into one big Oktoberfest? |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LITERARY TECHNIQUE COMICS today's literary technique: PLOT TWISTS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Plot twists are when you think the murderer was the cape guy, but then it turns out.... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...the murderer was actually this other cape guy!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They also happen when a plant is revealed to ACTUALLY be a ghost plant. Or when Oedipus realizes he's in Oedipus Rex and then stabs out his eyes! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] He actually stabs out his eyes becuase he realizes he's murdered his father and married his mother. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] *gasp* [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Twists upon twists!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Plot twists don't always happen at the end, though! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sometimes they happen in the middle. Like in romantic comedies when the female lead says "You know what I'M just not that into? NOT BEING INMY GIANT ROBOT SUIT!" and then she walks around in her giant robot suit. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] ...What? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then Mr. Darcy shows up in HIS robot suit, and he holds up a sign that says, "Forsooth, I had forgotten I ownned this robot Suitte"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy crap, Utahraptor! Would it be a plot twist IN MY |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I bet that I could be an amazing ballet dancer. In fact... yes. Wait. Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I'm certain of it! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ballet is hard and takes years of training, T-Rex! To suggest that you could just barge onstage during Swan Lake and just join in is actually kind of offensive to ballet dancers. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I know! That's not what I meant. I meant, "I bet that, HAD I SPENT YEARS TRAINING, I could be an amazing ballet dancer". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ah. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But it takes more than training! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My true meaning was, "I bet that, had I the body type, circumstances, inclination, talent AND training, I could be an amazing ballet dancer." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah. Well. I guess that would indeed be the case. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A BALLET DANCER! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Because then if you know about 18th century literature you can punch them aside and say "OBVIOUSLY!" |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I bet that I could be an amazing ballet dancer. In fact... yes. Wait. Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I'm certain of it! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ballet is hard and takes years of training, T-Rex! To suggest that you could just barge onstage during Swan Lake and just join in is actually kind of offensive to ballet dancers. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, I know! That's not what I meant. I meant, "I bet that, HAD I SPENT YEARS TRAINING, I could be an amazing ballet dancer". [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Ah. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But it takes more than training! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh, of course! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] My true meaning was, "I bet that, had I the body type, circumstances, inclination, talent AND training, I could be an amazing ballet dancer." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah. Well. I guess that would indeed be the case. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yep! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE T-REX IS A BALLET DANCER! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Well, *I* bet that I could be an amazing -- um, guy who walks around and talks |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! I appreciate you giving me the chance to address you. This whole thing started... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ...TWO DAYS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm really excited about this, Dromiceiomimus. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I am too, T-Rex! It's going to be great. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! And the best part: there's NOTHING illegal about it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, do you guys need some friggin' help? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The more the merrier! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, I'm really excited about this! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am too. I think this will be the best TEAM ESSAY ON THE SIGNIFICANCE OF FRIENDSHIP IN EARLY EASTERN LITERATURE ever! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] END OF FLASHBACK. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! In summary and in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ha ha, no, this isn't a riddle. It's a |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury! I appreciate you giving me the chance to address you. This whole thing started... [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] ...TWO DAYS AGO: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm really excited about this, Dromiceiomimus. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I am too, T-Rex! It's going to be great. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know! And the best part: there's NOTHING illegal about it! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Hey, do you guys need some friggin' help? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The more the merrier! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Wow, I'm really excited about this! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am too. I think this will be the best TEAM ESSAY ON THE SIGNIFICANCE OF FRIENDSHIP IN EARLY EASTERN LITERATURE ever! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] END OF FLASHBACK. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So! In summary and in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Um, I'm actually not really sure why I'm here? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW TO KISS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some people who have never kissed before worry, "What if I'm bad at it? My sweetie will never want to kiss me again!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is entirely reasonable! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In the high-stakes world of kissing, there's just no room for second chances. Luckily for anyone, I can teach you how to kiss! You simply whisper "The inside of your mouth looks a little dry", lock mouths with your partner, and then, you flood them with your saliva. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh God. That's disgusting. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That, Dromiceiomimus, is a very peculiar way to pronounce "erotic". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You've actually kissed like that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call it, "The Inundation". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, wait. "The Deluge". "The Monsoon". No, "The Happy Swamping"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, promise me right now that you'll never perform anything on me that could possibly be referred to as "The Happy Swamping". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...FINE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SIX MONTHS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What I want is a theory of |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HOW TO KISS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Some people who have never kissed before worry, "What if I'm bad at it? My sweetie will never want to kiss me again!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is entirely reasonable! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] In the high-stakes world of kissing, there's just no room for second chances. Luckily for anyone, I can teach you how to kiss! You simply whisper "The inside of your mouth looks a little dry", lock mouths with your partner, and then, you flood them with your saliva. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Oh God. That's disgusting. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That, Dromiceiomimus, is a very peculiar way to pronounce "erotic". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You've actually kissed like that? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I call it, "The Inundation". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, wait. "The Deluge". "The Monsoon". No, "The Happy Swamping"! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Okay, promise me right now that you'll never perform anything on me that could possibly be referred to as "The Happy Swamping". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...FINE. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SIX MONTHS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I renamed it to "The Oral Overflow" |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TIPS FOR JOB HUNTERS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, people who are hunting jobs! You are know as "job hunters" and guess what? I have some tips for you, my friends! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tip number one is to have a good email address! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I were an employer and I had two equally qualified candidates, but one resume came from [email protected] and the other resume came from [email protected], I know which one I'd want to hire! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Is it [email protected]? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is without hesitation! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That business success jerk has the most obnoxious email address ever. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And the other guy doesn't? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No man! The other guy surveyed the field of resume email addresses and said, "You know what? It can be done better." I'm fascinated by him! Who is Colin? And furthermore, what of his Chumps, who it seems are presently Taking Dumps?? I don't know, but I want to offer him a job to find out! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX PUTS UP A FAKE JOB LISTING TO SEE WHAT EMAIL ADDRESSES HE GETS. THE BEST IS FROM [email protected] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! Awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I GET JEALOUS OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TIPS FOR JOB HUNTERS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, people who are hunting jobs! You are know as "job hunters" and guess what? I have some tips for you, my friends! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Tip number one is to have a good email address! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I were an employer and I had two equally qualified candidates, but one resume came from [email protected] and the other resume came from [email protected], I know which one I'd want to hire! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Is it [email protected]? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is without hesitation! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That business success jerk has the most obnoxious email address ever. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And the other guy doesn't? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No man! The other guy surveyed the field of resume email addresses and said, "You know what? It can be done better." I'm fascinated by him! Who is Colin? And furthermore, what of his Chumps, who it seems are presently Taking Dumps?? I don't know, but I want to offer him a job to find out! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX PUTS UP A FAKE JOB LISTING TO SEE WHAT EMAIL ADDRESSES HE GETS. THE BEST IS FROM [email protected] [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hah hah! Awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ... It's not the guy I made up, |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am generally a pretty easy-going guy! But guys, there's this one thing really boils my potatoes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TWEETING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, I get that you're using Twitter! SUPER. But I really don't get why we need a new verb for that.. All "tweeting" means is "posting to Twitter": it's got the same meaning as "post", except THIS verb can only be used in relation to a single corporate website. That's insane! Corporations invent nouns all the time, and I can accept that, but verbs? Really? Is updating Twitter SO DIFFERENT than updating any other website that we need a whole new word for it? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man this is old news, Professor Curmudgeonly! You ever seen something escalate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure have! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] OH DAMN "ESCALATE" IS A VERB MADE UP FROM "ESCALATOR", WHICH WAS ITSELF A TRADEMARK! So now you can't escalate. And you also can't zip up your pants. Or go trampolining, roller-blading, or jetskiing. Or tase your enemies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! Friggin' English friggin' lets me down friggin' again!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With that in mind, I'm going to design an engine that |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I am generally a pretty easy-going guy! But guys, there's this one thing really boils my potatoes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] TWEETING. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, I get that you're using Twitter! SUPER. But I really don't get why we need a new verb for that.. All "tweeting" means is "posting to Twitter": it's got the same meaning as "post", except THIS verb can only be used in relation to a single corporate website. That's insane! Corporations invent nouns all the time, and I can accept that, but verbs? Really? Is updating Twitter SO DIFFERENT than updating any other website that we need a whole new word for it? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Man this is old news, Professor Curmudgeonly! You ever seen something escalate? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure have! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] OH DAMN "ESCALATE" IS A VERB MADE UP FROM "ESCALATOR", WHICH WAS ITSELF A TRADEMARK! So now you can't escalate. And you also can't zip up your pants. Or go trampolining, roller-blading, or jetskiing. Or tase your enemies. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! Friggin' English friggin' lets me down friggin' again!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Also! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...I do believe that last sentence let me down as well |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shoot! I forgot to have a shower this morning! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's funny, because I smell fine! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's funny, because you never seem showered whenever I see you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's funny, because I don't seem to remember soliciting comments! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's funny, because you always voice every single thought in your head! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's funny, because at least I have thoughts! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well that's funny, because no you don't! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! I'd love to come to your dinner party! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's right, I said it! Some |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Shoot! I forgot to have a shower this morning! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's funny, because I smell fine! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] That's funny, because you never seem showered whenever I see you. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's funny, because I don't seem to remember soliciting comments! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's funny, because you always voice every single thought in your head! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] That's funny, because at least I have thoughts! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well that's funny, because no you don't! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! I'd love to come to your dinner party! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Why yes, I am freshly showered! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so I've been down on poems in the past. I MAY have been heard to remark "Guys, poetry bloetries." But I've just discovered: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Poems likely predate the written word! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It makes sense when you think about it. Before writing, the only way to keep track of something is to memorize it! And if you're memorizing something in POEM form, then you can automatically incorporate structure to the language: say, rhyming couplets. And that structure gives you something to jog your memory if you forget! The result is that structured narrative poetry can be much easier to remember than just free verse. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So poems could be among the earliest, most practical forms of communication! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And this is why I feel bad! I didn't know that I was making fun of one of the Elder Gods of language! I thought I was making fun of "The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So now more respect for poetry? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I promise it!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BONUS PANEL: THE COMPLETE TEXT OF "THE SMELLY DOG WHO POOED"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude / I say to him "Hark! Who goes?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YOU, I think, are surely my wackiest of |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so I've been down on poems in the past. I MAY have been heard to remark "Guys, poetry bloetries." But I've just discovered: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Poems likely predate the written word! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It makes sense when you think about it. Before writing, the only way to keep track of something is to memorize it! And if you're memorizing something in POEM form, then you can automatically incorporate structure to the language: say, rhyming couplets. And that structure gives you something to jog your memory if you forget! The result is that structured narrative poetry can be much easier to remember than just free verse. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So poems could be among the earliest, most practical forms of communication! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And this is why I feel bad! I didn't know that I was making fun of one of the Elder Gods of language! I thought I was making fun of "The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude". [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So now more respect for poetry? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I promise it!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] THE END [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] BONUS PANEL: THE COMPLETE TEXT OF "THE SMELLY DOG WHO POOED"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The smelly dog who pooed / Has spied me in the nude / I say to him "Hark! Who goes?" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I think the smell comes out his nose |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ssh! Come closer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know yet more secrets! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yet more SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so let's say you're a dude or lady who often is called upon to perform CPR on someone in cardiac arrest. Nice. YOU'RE A HANDY PERSON TO HAVE AROUND. When performing CPR, you're aiming for 100 chest compressions per minute, but this is an awkward rate to hit. HOWEVER, if you hum Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust", you'll be fine! The song is simple, catchy, memorable, AND has a steady beat that runs, as it turns out, at exactly 100 beats a minute. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So the professional performing CPR on me is thinking "Bum bum bum / Another one bits the dust"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Quite possibly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if I ever need to perform CPR on you, you can bet I'LL be belting it out at the top of my lungs. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Thanks? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No worries, man! I've got your back. Listen. It'll be a great show. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Although, I MIGHT change the lyrics to "Hey there guys / You know what would be great? / If this guy / would cardiopulmonarily resuscitate" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes! I've always wanted to do that. For |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Ssh! Come closer! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know yet more secrets! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yet more SECRETS of the MEDICAL PROFESSION! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay, so let's say you're a dude or lady who often is called upon to perform CPR on someone in cardiac arrest. Nice. YOU'RE A HANDY PERSON TO HAVE AROUND. When performing CPR, you're aiming for 100 chest compressions per minute, but this is an awkward rate to hit. HOWEVER, if you hum Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust", you'll be fine! The song is simple, catchy, memorable, AND has a steady beat that runs, as it turns out, at exactly 100 beats a minute. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] So the professional performing CPR on me is thinking "Bum bum bum / Another one bits the dust"? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Quite possibly! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And if I ever need to perform CPR on you, you can bet I'LL be belting it out at the top of my lungs. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Thanks? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No worries, man! I've got your back. Listen. It'll be a great show. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Although, I MIGHT change the lyrics to "Hey there guys / You know what would be great? / If this guy / would cardiopulmonarily resuscitate" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We share the laughter AND the tears, Utahraptor. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, there are basically a billion different ways to make new friends! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWO WAYS TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay there are at least two ways to make new friends. One way is to look at the friends your existing friends already have, and then pick out/up the most awesome ones from those! This algorithm allows you to grow your network of friends in much the same way that ANY NUMBER of deadly diseases reproduce! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You need a seed friend, though! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that brings us to method one: online dating! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But that results in spouses, not buddies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not NECESSARILY: Look up profiles, find someone interesting and date 'em, and then say that you "just want to be friends"! Kapow: INSTANT FRIENDSHIP THAT'LL LAST A LIFETIME. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Friendship, founded on deceit and romantic frustration. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No deceit with me, baby! I use the lines sincerely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I just want to be friends, I just want to be friends! And if I'm saying "It's not you, it's me", then I'm also saying. "Frig, man, I've got to go pull myself together! I'm dropping the ball here, and it's REALLY not fair to you." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] God, WHO I USED |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Guys, there are basically a billion different ways to make new friends! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] TWO WAYS TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Okay there are at least two ways to make new friends. One way is to look at the friends your existing friends already have, and then pick out/up the most awesome ones from those! This algorithm allows you to grow your network of friends in much the same way that ANY NUMBER of deadly diseases reproduce! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You need a seed friend, though! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And that brings us to method one: online dating! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But that results in spouses, not buddies! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Not NECESSARILY: Look up profiles, find someone interesting and date 'em, and then say that you "just want to be friends"! Kapow: INSTANT FRIENDSHIP THAT'LL LAST A LIFETIME. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Friendship, founded on deceit and romantic frustration. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No deceit with me, baby! I use the lines sincerely! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I just want to be friends, I just want to be friends! And if I'm saying "It's not you, it's me", then I'm also saying. "Frig, man, I've got to go pull myself together! I'm dropping the ball here, and it's REALLY not fair to you." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "P.S. Let's make out." |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are tons of phrases in the English language that I can never use because they've already been claimed by someone else! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the heck English? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I want to give a very serious and momentous speech about the history of war, I can! But if I also want it to begin with "Now this is a story all about how some lives got flipped, turned upside down"? I CAN'T. It is a perfectly awesome introductory phrase that is forbidden to me - unless I'm cool with my audience and being distracted by thoughts of young Willard Smith! Fresh Prince used scorched earth tactics when withdrawing from the phrase. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why don't you just ignore all that and use it anyway? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It doesn't work! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Even if I'M ignoring it, my audience won't know to! I'll be explaining the origins of conflict as hard as I friggin' can, but they'll all be hopelessly distracted by thoughts of chillin' out, maxin' out, relaxin' all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well then - phrase it differently! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SPEECH DAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The history of war is a journey. A narrative. A story that, at its core, is all about how some lives become turned upside-down by conflict: "flipped" if you will. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hold on, I'm gonna go |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] There are tons of phrases in the English language that I can never use because they've already been claimed by someone else! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the heck English? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If I want to give a very serious and momentous speech about the history of war, I can! But if I also want it to begin with "Now this is a story all about how some lives got flipped, turned upside down"? I CAN'T. It is a perfectly awesome introductory phrase that is forbidden to me - unless I'm cool with my audience and being distracted by thoughts of young Willard Smith! Fresh Prince used scorched earth tactics when withdrawing from the phrase. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Why don't you just ignore all that and use it anyway? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It doesn't work! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Even if I'M ignoring it, my audience won't know to! I'll be explaining the origins of conflict as hard as I friggin' can, but they'll all be hopelessly distracted by thoughts of chillin' out, maxin' out, relaxin' all cool and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Well then - phrase it differently! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] SPEECH DAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The history of war is a journey. A narrative. A story that, at its core, is all about how some lives become turned upside-down by conflict: "flipped" if you will. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG IT'S STILL A REFERENCE. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT ST. PATRICK'S DAY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you know that St. Patrick used to be associated with the color BLUE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! You travel back in time to the 1200s and you say "What color goes with St. Patrick?" and they'll answer "blue"! Eventually. First you'll need to figure out how to communicate with the people there: their vowels will sound all crazy to your ears. Plus, assuming you're in an English speaking part of the world- and there were a lot fewer of them then- the language was way more Germanic than what you're used to. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're right in the middle of Middle English, my friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And it was really fragmented back then! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The British will end up creating a Standard English just to ensure that government communication can be READ outside of London. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But not until the 1400s, so if you're in the 1200s and nobody understands you, you could always wander around, find another dialect group, and try again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is a good day I think for |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] HERE ARE SOME FACTS ABOUT ST. PATRICK'S DAY! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Did you know that St. Patrick used to be associated with the color BLUE? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's true! You travel back in time to the 1200s and you say "What color goes with St. Patrick?" and they'll answer "blue"! Eventually. First you'll need to figure out how to communicate with the people there: their vowels will sound all crazy to your ears. Plus, assuming you're in an English speaking part of the world- and there were a lot fewer of them then- the language was way more Germanic than what you're used to. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You're right in the middle of Middle English, my friend! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And it was really fragmented back then! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] The British will end up creating a Standard English just to ensure that government communication can be READ outside of London. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But not until the 1400s, so if you're in the 1200s and nobody understands you, you could always wander around, find another dialect group, and try again! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Anyway yeah now St. Patrick's color is green |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not that hard to be creative! But sometimes when I come up with a joke, I find out it's already been invented in the past, and it's always by the same dead guy! I now have a beef with this dead person. You'd best watch out... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...OSCAR WILDE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, Oscar! Here's a guy who's been taking the credit for TONS of great jokes that I would have come up with if he hadn't done so first. Telling a border guard "I have nothing to declare except my genius"? I TOTALLY WOULD'VE COME UP WITH THAT IF IT HAD NOT ALREADY BEEN COME UP WITH. "I'm not young enough to know everything"? THAT PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN MY BON MOT. Wilde's the most egregious preemptive plagiarizer of my funny jokes ever! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're not mad at Oscar Wilde, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty sure I am, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, you're mad at J. M. "Peter Pan" Barrie for the young one, and at some anonymous wag for the genius one - nobody's found a reliable link to Oscar for it. He just gets the credit! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh. Okay, I'LL be the guy who's mad at all the UNWARRANTED credit Wilde gets, then. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "If with the literate I am/ Impelled to try an epigram,/ I never seek to take the credit; / We all assume that Oscar said it." - Dorothy Parker. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh ho, I'm sorry, is it BITCHY in here? |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's not that hard to be creative! But sometimes when I come up with a joke, I find out it's already been invented in the past, and it's always by the same dead guy! I now have a beef with this dead person. You'd best watch out... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...OSCAR WILDE! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man, Oscar! Here's a guy who's been taking the credit for TONS of great jokes that I would have come up with if he hadn't done so first. Telling a border guard "I have nothing to declare except my genius"? I TOTALLY WOULD'VE COME UP WITH THAT IF IT HAD NOT ALREADY BEEN COME UP WITH. "I'm not young enough to know everything"? THAT PROBABLY WOULD'VE BEEN MY BON MOT. Wilde's the most egregious preemptive plagiarizer of my funny jokes ever! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You're not mad at Oscar Wilde, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pretty sure I am, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] No, you're mad at J. M. "Peter Pan" Barrie for the young one, and at some anonymous wag for the genius one - nobody's found a reliable link to Oscar for it. He just gets the credit! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Huh. Okay, I'LL be the guy who's mad at all the UNWARRANTED credit Wilde gets, then. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] "If with the literate I am/ Impelled to try an epigram,/ I never seek to take the credit; / We all assume that Oscar said it." - Dorothy Parker. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] FRIG. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...I'm going home to never do anything original again, |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's also kind of awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's one way of looking at it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How do you figure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The only cure: FURTHER SMOOCHING. Symptoms include smooches |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's also kind of awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's one way of looking at it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How do you figure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Hey, do you want to swap feet sometime? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's also kind of awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's one way of looking at it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How do you figure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Clearly, my body is UNDEREVOLVED. Being able to |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I know that getting a transplant is serious business, and that it can be a traumatic event. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's also kind of awesome! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If you've got a transplant, it's like you've leveled up! AS A PERSON. The rest of us are stuck with the genes we were born with, but you've got SELECTION. You're made out of the best parts of other people! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] It's one way of looking at it! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's the BEST way of looking at it! Plus, anyone who's had a limb or organ transplant is way more mysterious. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How do you figure? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Listen. I can tell you what my left hand has been up to for most of my life. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But if I had a transplant, I'd have no idea. There'd be a part of my body with a WHOLE DIFFERENT HISTORY than the rest of me: how is that not awesome? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I imagine it'd raise some issues of identity and self... [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I imagine it'd raise some issues of WHAT AWESOME THINGS MY HAND HAS BEEN UP TO! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh man!! Imagine if my LIVER came from an axe murderer? MINE WOULD BE THE LIVER THAT'S DANGEROUS TO KNOW, and my philosophy would be "If you're not interesting, at least have parts of you that are!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...Hey, do you want to swap feet sometime? |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, what news? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I MADE BRUSSEL SPROUTS TASTE BETTER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Amazing! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] ACTUALLY NO I DIDN'T BUT I SAID I DID BECAUSE OF APRIL FOOLS' DAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hey T-Rex, I wanted you to know: I won a little bit of money in the lottery and I want to share it with you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? This isn't just an Apr- [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] April Fools'! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maaan! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, do you want to go visit the chocolate factory? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I do!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is a total reasonable thing for us to do. It is ENTIRELY PLAUSIBLE. Even if you meant it as a joke, let's just do it! Let's go visit the chocolate factory! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] April Fools'! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MAAAAAAN!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, lexographers!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] True! But sir, I think you'll find that you're forced to agree: |
real | [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] T-REX, HAVE YOU HEARD THE NEWS? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] No, what news? [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] I MADE BRUSSEL SPROUTS TASTE BETTER. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Amazing! [SPEAKER] GOD [LINE] ACTUALLY NO I DIDN'T BUT I SAID I DID BECAUSE OF APRIL FOOLS' DAY [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Man! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Hey T-Rex, I wanted you to know: I won a little bit of money in the lottery and I want to share it with you! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Really? This isn't just an Apr- [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] April Fools'! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maaan! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] T-Rex, do you want to go visit the chocolate factory? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yes, I do!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is a total reasonable thing for us to do. It is ENTIRELY PLAUSIBLE. Even if you meant it as a joke, let's just do it! Let's go visit the chocolate factory! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] April Fools'! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] MAAAAAAN!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, lexographers!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Instead of April Fools' Day, we ought to call it "Disappointment Wednesday" |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PHRASES THAT NEED TO BE USED MORE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some phrases that we need to be saying more often, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "CATS AND KITTENS" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See? I'M ALREADY HELPING. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "SMOKIN' BOD" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People should compliment me on my smokin' bod more often! I WILL GLADLY DO THE SAME. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You have a smokin' bod, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THANK YOU, Dromiceiomimus! You have a smokin' bod as well! [SPEAKER] T-REX/DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wooo! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "FRIENDLY GOOD TIMES" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This phrase can be used in reference to friendly good times! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And how! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing bad ever happens when you eat the whole thing, you guys! It doesn't matter what thing it is. I've NEVER had negative consequences from doing this. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] None that I care to remember, Utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "WHO PUT POOPS IN MY BREAKFAST" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] You'll notice that one of my nipples is highlighted in several of the pictures! |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] PHRASES THAT NEED TO BE USED MORE [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Here are some phrases that we need to be saying more often, cats and kittens! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "CATS AND KITTENS" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] See? I'M ALREADY HELPING. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "SMOKIN' BOD" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] People should compliment me on my smokin' bod more often! I WILL GLADLY DO THE SAME. [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] You have a smokin' bod, T-Rex! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] THANK YOU, Dromiceiomimus! You have a smokin' bod as well! [SPEAKER] T-REX/DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Wooo! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "FRIENDLY GOOD TIMES" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] This phrase can be used in reference to friendly good times! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And how! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nothing bad ever happens when you eat the whole thing, you guys! It doesn't matter what thing it is. I've NEVER had negative consequences from doing this. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] None that I care to remember, Utahraptor!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "WHO PUT POOPS IN MY BREAKFAST" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey. It'll be better for all of us if we just find out who's |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, here's a fact! Power ballads are the best sort of ballads. FACT. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED SONG COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's songs: [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] POWER BALLADS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes have had the times of their respective lives! They're each the one thing the other can't get enough of - this could be love, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay, but they've probably both felt this way berfore. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NEVER!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's pretty much all in the title. Dude died tonight. In your arms! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] INTENSE! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Once upon a time Bonnie Tyler was falling in love, but now she's only falling apart! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is there anything she can do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello?? It's a total eclipse of the heart! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so there's nothing she can do. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lou Gramm wants to know what love is. He also wants to feel what love is. Finally, he wants you to show him what love is. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm gonna make my own |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hey, here's a fact! Power ballads are the best sort of ballads. FACT. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] COMPRESSED SONG COMICS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] today's songs: [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] POWER BALLADS [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "I'VE HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes have had the times of their respective lives! They're each the one thing the other can't get enough of - this could be love, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] Okay, but they've probably both felt this way berfore. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] NEVER!! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It's pretty much all in the title. Dude died tonight. In your arms! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] INTENSE! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Once upon a time Bonnie Tyler was falling in love, but now she's only falling apart! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Is there anything she can do? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Hello?? It's a total eclipse of the heart! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Ah, so there's nothing she can do. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] "I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lou Gramm wants to know what love is. He also wants to feel what love is. Finally, he wants you to show him what love is. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Lou Gramm, ladies and gentlemen! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day I remove the word "prejudice" from my idiolect and replace it with the word "racist"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now if someone says "T-Rex, I just don't like apples", I'll say "Hey, That's RACIST." and when they say "What? That's not racist!" I'll reply with "The very fact that you're denying that it's racist is EVEN MORE RACIST!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Will I be the most popular person ever? I can only speculate that the answer is yes!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How is it racist? Is the apple-hater of a minority creed or socio-economic group? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my god! SO RACIST. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone can hate apples, not just minorities! The very fact that you'd jump to that conclusion shows that you TRULY ARE history's greatest racist! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I was just trying to figure out how this new "racist" thing worked! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe next time you can do it by not DABBLING IN RACISM?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, audio diary! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] So? It's my made-up country. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Today is the day I remove the word "prejudice" from my idiolect and replace it with the word "racist"! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Now if someone says "T-Rex, I just don't like apples", I'll say "Hey, That's RACIST." and when they say "What? That's not racist!" I'll reply with "The very fact that you're denying that it's racist is EVEN MORE RACIST!" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Will I be the most popular person ever? I can only speculate that the answer is yes!! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] How is it racist? Is the apple-hater of a minority creed or socio-economic group? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh my god! SO RACIST. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Everyone can hate apples, not just minorities! The very fact that you'd jump to that conclusion shows that you TRULY ARE history's greatest racist! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] I was just trying to figure out how this new "racist" thing worked! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Maybe next time you can do it by not DABBLING IN RACISM?? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Attention, audio diary! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Nobody comes to my friggin' |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Am I ever prepared for a mid-life crisis! I'm seriously ready. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BRING IT ON! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what makes you think you're so prepared? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I'm awesome! If I wake up one morning and think "What have I ever done with my life, have I ever really accomplished anything, OH GOD", then that thought will be followed by "Wait I forgot how awesome I am! NEVERMIND." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What if that second thought doesn't come though? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Impossible! A mid-life crisis is a crisis of confidence, and if there's one thing I've got, it's confidence! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. Confidence in who I am, what I've done and where I'm going. And if there's two things I've got, it's confidence AND a bunch of burgers to eat when I get home! So do you wanna come over and eat burgers tonight or what, Utahraptor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Abandoned puppies, and little birds with a wing in a cast. Aww! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Am I ever prepared for a mid-life crisis! I'm seriously ready. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] BRING IT ON! [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] But what makes you think you're so prepared? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I'm awesome! If I wake up one morning and think "What have I ever done with my life, have I ever really accomplished anything, OH GOD", then that thought will be followed by "Wait I forgot how awesome I am! NEVERMIND." [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] What if that second thought doesn't come though? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Impossible! A mid-life crisis is a crisis of confidence, and if there's one thing I've got, it's confidence! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Really? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] YES. Confidence in who I am, what I've done and where I'm going. And if there's two things I've got, it's confidence AND a bunch of burgers to eat when I get home! So do you wanna come over and eat burgers tonight or what, Utahraptor? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Excellent! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] If there's THREE things I've got, it's confidence, burgers, and the mantra |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] T-Rex, I want you to meet my friend Gary. Gary, this is T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pleased to meet you! [SPEAKER] GARY [LINE] T-Rex, this is Gary Horses [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I had no idea that "Horses" was available as a last name. Me. Horses? I could be Mr. Horses? Why was I not told I could be Mr. Horses? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I believe you can change your name to whatever you want. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but I didn't know "Horses" was an actual option! We live in a world where "Horses" is a real last name. How''d I miss that one? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You don't even particularly like horses! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're alright! They get by! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Honestly. What happens if you change yoru last name and then you run into Gary Horses at a party? He'll know you stole his last name. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please. When would I ever be likely to see him again? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MANY YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OMG MY GOD! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] We'll all be dead soon! |
real | [SPEAKER] VOICE [LINE] T-Rex, I want you to meet my friend Gary. Gary, this is T-Rex. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Pleased to meet you! [SPEAKER] GARY [LINE] T-Rex, this is Gary Horses [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Dromiceiomimus, I had no idea that "Horses" was available as a last name. Me. Horses? I could be Mr. Horses? Why was I not told I could be Mr. Horses? [SPEAKER] DROMICEIOMIMUS [LINE] I believe you can change your name to whatever you want. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Yeah, but I didn't know "Horses" was an actual option! We live in a world where "Horses" is a real last name. How''d I miss that one? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You don't even particularly like horses! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] They're alright! They get by! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Honestly. What happens if you change yoru last name and then you run into Gary Horses at a party? He'll know you stole his last name. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please. When would I ever be likely to see him again? [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MANY YEARS LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] OMG MY GOD! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I CAN'T BELIEVE I TOTALLY |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to say the word "baloney", so everyone who doesn't want to hear the word "baloney" should stop listening because here comes the word "baloney". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Taste is kind of baloney, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Delicious food is delicious, no matter how good or bad it is for me! Wouldn't it be so much better if how good a food tasted to me depended on how good the food was FOR me? Chocolate would taste worse the more I gorge on it, until I stopped out of disgust. And if I haven't had any vitamin A in a while, carrots would taste like friggin' MANNA. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But then every time you'd eat something, you'd have no idea how it'll taste! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's a feedback loop: your own body is training you on what it needs through the medium of taste! Eventually you'd know your own nutritional needs by PURE INTUITION. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It is kind of baloney that poison can b e delicious. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is what I'm saying! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But NOW, we understand things! We don't need a God to make hurricanes and babies for us. We can make |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm going to say the word "baloney", so everyone who doesn't want to hear the word "baloney" should stop listening because here comes the word "baloney". [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Taste is kind of baloney, you guys! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Delicious food is delicious, no matter how good or bad it is for me! Wouldn't it be so much better if how good a food tasted to me depended on how good the food was FOR me? Chocolate would taste worse the more I gorge on it, until I stopped out of disgust. And if I haven't had any vitamin A in a while, carrots would taste like friggin' MANNA. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] But then every time you'd eat something, you'd have no idea how it'll taste! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Sure! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] But it's a feedback loop: your own body is training you on what it needs through the medium of taste! Eventually you'd know your own nutritional needs by PURE INTUITION. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] It is kind of baloney that poison can b e delicious. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] This is what I'm saying! [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Wow, everyone should've just listened to me in the past because I still totally agree with what I was saying! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It seems that, despite the "euphemisms" available to them, folks are still discussing feelings in a frank and straightforward manner. Please! You know why our ancestors crawled out of the ocean? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm pretty sure it was to avoid these talks!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With that in mind, I now present more "euphemisms" to allow you to get by in society! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example, instead of saying "I feel afraid", you can say "Aw crap! I think I've discovered a weakness in myself." And instead of "I love you!", just say "I have found another weakness; please, excuse me." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Love isn't a weakness, T-Rex. It's a strength! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please avoid such crass language, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Instead of that, you COULD'VE said, "Love isn't a w- hey, where are the warp whistles in Mario 3?" and I would have replied "There's three! The first is found in the third level: crouch on the last white block until you fall through, and then run to the end." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "The second is at the end of the first fortress: fly above where the door is. The third is found by beating the Fire Bros hiding behind the rock at the eastern side of World 2!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's quite the euphemism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Clearly way WAY too hard! |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It seems that, despite the "euphemisms" available to them, folks are still discussing feelings in a frank and straightforward manner. Please! You know why our ancestors crawled out of the ocean? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I'm pretty sure it was to avoid these talks!! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] With that in mind, I now present more "euphemisms" to allow you to get by in society! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] For example, instead of saying "I feel afraid", you can say "Aw crap! I think I've discovered a weakness in myself." And instead of "I love you!", just say "I have found another weakness; please, excuse me." [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] Love isn't a weakness, T-Rex. It's a strength! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Please avoid such crass language, Utahraptor! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Instead of that, you COULD'VE said, "Love isn't a w- hey, where are the warp whistles in Mario 3?" and I would have replied "There's three! The first is found in the third level: crouch on the last white block until you fall through, and then run to the end." [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] "The second is at the end of the first fortress: fly above where the door is. The third is found by beating the Fire Bros hiding behind the rock at the eastern side of World 2!" [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] That's quite the euphemism! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Utahraptor. They're quite the whistles. |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I feel odd.. as if my amnesia is wearing off! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Uncanny! All my memories are flooding back in a torrent of life and history! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I remember this tiny house and car! I liked to stomp on them regularly! Like so! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I remember you, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do I ever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I remember this tiny woman! I remember I liked to stomp on her! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You do it every day! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] {{bolded}}Personally, I wish you'd stop. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy! How'd you do that thing with your voice just now?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Exactly, and that's something! We're not ALL motivated by greed. |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I feel odd.. as if my amnesia is wearing off! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Uncanny! All my memories are flooding back in a torrent of life and history! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I remember this tiny house and car! I liked to stomp on them regularly! Like so! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I remember you, Dromiceiomimus! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Do I ever! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And I remember this tiny woman! I remember I liked to stomp on her! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] You do it every day! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] {{bolded}}Personally, I wish you'd stop. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Holy! How'd you do that thing with your voice just now?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Seriously, it makes me feel like doing whatever you say! |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Once upon a time there was this really great cereal. It was oats in the shape of an "o", sweetened, and inside the "o"s there were clusters of tasty nuts. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was SO good! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then they took the cereal off the market and this little kid could never find it again. Okay, it was me. I was the kid. I looked and looked and was convinced all the grocery stores were hiding it somewhere. But it was gone, and that one box of the cereal was all I ever had. I never stopped looking, however, and yesterday I found it - under a different name, but with all the same ingredients! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And? How was it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WAY too sweet, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It wasn't too my taste at ALL. And the kicker is I remembered it as being even sweeter! I realized that my tastes had changed long ago - that I'd never again be able to enjoy the cereal I remembered so vividly. I'd been chasing a dream that had somehow become impossible when I wasn't looking. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I COULD get temporary amnesia from a sudden, disturbing realization, but- |
real | [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Once upon a time there was this really great cereal. It was oats in the shape of an "o", sweetened, and inside the "o"s there were clusters of tasty nuts. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It was SO good! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And then they took the cereal off the market and this little kid could never find it again. Okay, it was me. I was the kid. I looked and looked and was convinced all the grocery stores were hiding it somewhere. But it was gone, and that one box of the cereal was all I ever had. I never stopped looking, however, and yesterday I found it - under a different name, but with all the same ingredients! [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] And? How was it? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] WAY too sweet, Utahraptor. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It wasn't too my taste at ALL. And the kicker is I remembered it as being even sweeter! I realized that my tastes had changed long ago - that I'd never again be able to enjoy the cereal I remembered so vividly. I'd been chasing a dream that had somehow become impossible when I wasn't looking. [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] And for who? For a child I knew decades ago, a |
nonsequitur | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IN: "MY FRIED CHICKEN CYCLE" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh daaaaaamn! I'm at the absolute peak of my fried chicken cycle, dudes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Every eight months or so I really want some fried chicken, the greasier the better. Then, I eat the fried chicken, and THEN, that itch is totally scratched! But it never lasts, and my desire begins to grow again, culminating eight months later, when guys, I could SERIOUSLY go for some fried chicken. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What happens if you don't eat any fried chicken! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The cycle continues regardless! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a force of nature. I'm actually proud of it, because most men don't know what having a mammalian menstrual cycle is like - but I do! You know what it's like? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's it like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is entirely analogous to wanting some delicious fried chicken, once every two-thirds of a year. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the heck, Oxford English Dictionary?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] ...He's sullen to me sometimes |
real | [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] T-REX IN: "MY FRIED CHICKEN CYCLE" [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Oh daaaaaamn! I'm at the absolute peak of my fried chicken cycle, dudes! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] Every eight months or so I really want some fried chicken, the greasier the better. Then, I eat the fried chicken, and THEN, that itch is totally scratched! But it never lasts, and my desire begins to grow again, culminating eight months later, when guys, I could SERIOUSLY go for some fried chicken. [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What happens if you don't eat any fried chicken! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] The cycle continues regardless! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It's a force of nature. I'm actually proud of it, because most men don't know what having a mammalian menstrual cycle is like - but I do! You know what it's like? [SPEAKER] UTAHRAPTOR [LINE] What's it like? [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] It is entirely analogous to wanting some delicious fried chicken, once every two-thirds of a year. [SPEAKER] NARRATOR [LINE] LATER: [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] What the heck, Oxford English Dictionary?! [SPEAKER] T-REX [LINE] I could've SWORN that "unsay" |
Subsets and Splits