Non-SpongeBob Dialogue
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Patrick: Never! So, it's come to this. And to think that we joined the Best Friends Forever Club! Listen up, SpongeBob SecretStealerPants! If you ever come close to my secret box again, we won't be friends anymore! | But... we're supposed to be... friends forever. I feel so filthy! I have soiled our friendship garden! I just couldn't help myself! I know it's your secret! I promise to respect that! Oh, please forgive me, Patrick! Please! |
Patrick: Well... I guess it's not all your fault. After all, this is a pretty great secret. I mean, how could you resist the greatest secret ever? The most amazing... mysterious... powerful secret in all Bikini Bottom. | So, what do you say, buddy? Friends? |
Patrick: Friends. | What could be in that box that Patrick doesn't want me to see? Maybe it's the world's only albino jellyfish! Or maybe Patrick's a master jewel thief and it's full of diamonds. Or maybe Patrick's a deranged maniac who keeps his victims' severed heads in a box. Or even worse! Maybe it's an embarrassing snapshot of me from the Christmas party! I've gotta find out what's in that secret box! I'm not gonna rest until I do! That's it! How do you look in a secret box? Secretly, of course! I'll just take the box while Patrick's sleeping, look in that box, and before Patrick even has time to notice, I'll slide it back. Patrick won't know when I'll have my own little secret. Good idea, eh, Gary? |
Gary: Meeh… No. | Oh, what do you know? You're a snail! |
Patrick: Seee... cret. | I got to be more quiet. I don't want to wake Patrick up. |
Patrick: Duh... who's there? | Shhh! |
Patrick: Eh?! Who's that?! Mmm... water. Good old secret box. Let's see what's inside. Nighty-night, boxie. | Gee, Patrick sure is a heavy sleeper. |
Patrick: Huh? Who said that?! Who's there?! | Uh… |
Patrick: It's the Clam Burglar! And he's stealing my secret box! Hand over the goods, Secret Box Bandit, and prepare for the most unpleasant pillow fight of your life! | Wait, wait, wait, Patrick! Stop! It's me, SpongeBob! |
Patrick: Nice try, burglar, but SpongeBob's my best friend, and he'd never steal from me. | No, really, Patrick! Look! |
SpongeBob and Patrick BFF Ring: It's the Best Friends Forever, Best Friends Forever Ring! Patrick: Our friendship ring! It is you! How could you do thi-i-i-i-is?!? | If it makes you feel any better, I haven't looked inside. |
Patrick: That's it, SpongeBob! You have crossed the line. As of right now, this friendship is over! | Really? |
Patrick: Nahhh, you can look inside it if you really want to. | Okay! Oh, this is one the most exciting moments of my life! Well, here it goes! Huh? |
Patrick: Well, didn't I tell ya? Isn't it great? | It's just a string. |
Patrick: A secret string! | Boy, when you're right, you're right! That's some secret box you've got there! Yeah! Thanks for showing me that! Well, good night, Patrick. See you tomorrow! |
Patrick: Good night, SpongeBob! | I should've known! It was just a piece of string all along! Wait 'till I tell Gary! |
Patrick: Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, opening the... ...secret compartment of my secret box... ...revealing one embarrassing snapshot of SpongeBob at the Christmas Party! Merry Christmas, SpongeBob! Narrator: Ah, Goo Lagoon, a luxurious oasis of sand and sea. Sandy: Shee-oot, SpongeBob. How are we gonna go swimmin' when you're in a shirt and tie? | Ah, yes. How foolish of me. Allow me to remedy said situation right now. I will just use this changing tent here to change into my bathing suit. And I won't do anything else. |
Sandy: SpongeBob's actin' jumpier than a rattlesnake in a pickle barrel. Wait... what? | Oh, I'll be changing, alright, but not into a bathing suit. Wait until Sandy sees that I brought my karate gear! Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Sandy won't beat me this time, because I've got the elements on my side. The elements of surprise. Hi-yah! |
Sandy: SpongeBob, are you ready? | Yes, Sandy, I most certainly am ready! Ready to get it on. Hi... |
Sandy: Hi-yah! Look, SpongeBob, we both brought our karate gear. | Great minds think alike, I suppose. |
Sandy: Hi-yah! | I may be down, but I'm not out! |
Tom: Way to go, buddy. It took us three days to make that potato salad. Three days! | Hi-yah! Sandy? |
Sandy: Oh, I'm Sandy, alright. I'm very Sandy. Hi-yah! | Oh, I get it. She's Sandy. That's her name; she's also covered in... yes! |
Sandy: Back in Texas, we call ice cream frozen cow juice. Excuse me for a sec. Hi-yah! Thank you. Ice Cream Vendor: No, no, thank you. Sandy: Hi-yah! Tough Fish #1: Who threw that piece of paper at me? Sandy: Hey, what's everybody waitin' in line for? Tough Fish #1: Ahoy, fair lass, it be the line to get into the Salty Spitoon — the roughest, toughest sailor club ever to be built under the seven seas. Only the baddest of the bad can get in. You need to have muscles. You need to have muscles on your muscles. You need to have muscles on your eyeballs! | Ew. |
Sandy: Looks like a rip-snortin' good time, SpongeBob! | Yeah, let's go in. |
Reg: Go ahead. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are ya? Tough Fish #1: How tough am I? How tough am I?! I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning! Reg: Yeah, so? Tough Fish #1: Without any milk. Reg: Uhh, right this way, sorry to keep you waiting. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are ya? Sandy: How tough am I? | Wow. |
Sandy: Got any more tattoos? Reg: Uhh, that won't be necessary. Go ahead. Sandy: Thanks. See ya inside, SpongeBob! Reg: How tough are ya? | How tough am I? You got a new bottle of ketchup? |
Reg: Sure. | It's on! If I could just run this under some hot water... |
Reg: Get outta here. This place is too tough for you, little man. | Too tough for me? That's downright ridiculous. I'll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes. |
Reg: Listen, kid. I think you'd be more comfortable over at that place. | Weenie Hut Jr's? Are you saying I belong in Weenie Hut Jr's? |
Reg: Uhh. Oh, no, sorry, I was actually pointing at the place next to it. | Super Weenie Hut Jr's? |
Reg: Yeah. Unless you think you're tough enough to fight me. Nerd #1: How's your collection coming along? Nerd #2: Well, I don't mean to brag, but it's pretty sweet. I'm in the process of acquiring issue 347 which will give me my fourth complete set. Nerd #1: No... | What weenies. Oh, brother. |
Robot: Would you care for another diet cola with a lemon twist, weenie? | What? But I'm not a weenie! |
Robot: I'm sorry, sir, but my sensors indicate that you are indeed a weenie. | That's impossible! |
Robot: You can't hide what's inside. | I demand entrance into your club on the grounds that I am not a weenie! |
Tough Fish #4: Hey, Reg, how's it going? Reg: You were sayin'? Go ahead, buddy. Tough Fish #4: Thanks, Reg. | So, your name's Reg? |
Reg: Would you get outta here? | Mark my words, Reg. I will get into the Salty Spitoon! I will! |
Nerd #1: Couldn't get in, huh? What you need is a tough hairdo. No one gets into the Double S without a tough hairdo. Nerd #2: I disagree, I saw a guy going in there and he was bald. Nerd #1: I saw that guy. He wasn't bald. He had a shaved head. Shaved — that's a hairdo. Case closed. Hey, where'd he go? Robot: I believe he said something about going to the wig store. Nerd #1: Ha-ha! Check and mate. Drifter: What's shakin', my man? Reg: Not much. Say, haven't I seen you before? Drifter: Doubt it — I'm a drifter — just blew into town. Heard your club was pretty tough, thought I'd check it out. Reg: Nice try, kid. I know it's you. Drifter: What're you talking about? Reg: Aha! | Hey, everybody, what's goin' on? |
Reg: Ah, you can go in. Sorry about that. Well, what do you want? | I'd like to gain entrance to your social club, please. I believe my hairdo is in order. So, uh, where do you stand on the whole bald vs. shaved debate? |
Tough Fish #5: Hey-ya, Reg. Reg: Alright, now it's a party! Oh, yeah, check out the new ink. Tough Fish #5: Thanks. Hey, look what I can make it do. Reg: Yeah. Hey, what about that one? Tough Fish #5: Huh, you know, I don't remember getting this one. Reg: Can you make it dance? Tough Fish #5: Well, here, let me try. Reg: Hmmm, wait a minute. Go ahead in. Tough Fish #5: Yeah, sure, Reg. Thanks. Reg: Nice try, little man. Tough Fish #6: Hey, I was in front of you! Tough Fish #7: No, you weren't! Tough Fish #6: You callin' me a liar? Tough Fish #7: I ain't callin' you for dinner! Reg: Hold it, you two! That's enough, you're both plenty tough, go ahead in. Tough Fish #6: Alright! Tough Fish #7: Thanks, Reg. | Hey, what about me? I was in that scrap. |
Reg: I saw you runnin'. When you get in a real fight, then we'll talk. | Well, then, I guess it's time to take it up a notch. |
Robot: Care for another sundae, weenie? | I am not a weenie! |
Nerd #1: Relax, you're among friends. | My friends don't hang out at Weenie Hut Jr's. |
Patrick: You tell 'em, SpongeBob! | Patrick, what're you doing here? |
Patrick: I'm always here on Double Weenie Wednesdays. Nerd #1: Actually, they moved Double Weenie Wednesday to Friday. Nerd #2: And besides, today's Monday. Patrick: Oh, so it's Mega Weenie Monday? Nerd #1: Uhh, that's now on Sunday. Patrick: Barnacles! Nerd #2: Super Weenie Hut Jr's has a Mega Weenie Monday. Nerd #1: Uhh, no, you're thinking of Monster Weenie Monday. | I don't have time for this! I've got to go pick a fight with a muscular stranger! It's the only way of getting into the Salty Spitoon! |
Patrick: No, SpongeBob, you can't. It's too dangerous. | I've got no choice. |
Robot: I have a suggestion. Why not fake a fight? Patrick: Hey, that's not a bad idea! You can call me a couple of bad names, we rumble, next thing you know, you're in the Salty Spitoon. | Well, I guess I've got nothing to lose. Let's do it! |
Patrick: Yeah! Nerd #1: Hey, how come you never help us out with our problems? Robot: I am a robot, not a miracle worker. | Afternoon, Reg. |
Reg: Whoa, whoa, little man. You still can't go in. | Well, that makes me pretty mad. |
Reg: Oh yeah? | Yeah. I might have to beat someone up just to get rid of all this blind fury. |
Reg: Wow. | Yeah, I feel pretty sorry for the next guy who looks at me funny. |
Reg: Hmmm... what about that guy? | I, uh... don't be silly. He's not botherin' anybody. I mean, not like... that guy! |
Patrick: Who, me? | Yeah, you. Standing there all smiling and whatnot. Somebody oughta teach you some manners! |
Patrick: Okay, but I must warn you. I happen to be a world championship... uhh... ...kickboxer. | I don't care if you're the demon seed of Davy Jones! You're goin' down, Tubby! |
Patrick: Tubby? Grr! Nobody calls me Tubby! | Wait, Patrick, you're supposed to let me win, remember? |
Patrick: Oh yeah. No, please wait. No, please, have mercy! Reg: Wow! You destroyed that guy without even touchin' him. | I did? |
Reg: I never thought I'd say this, but go ahead in. | Really? I can go in? Oh, my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, SpongeBob SquarePants, am tough enough to get into the Salty Spitoon! This is the happiest day of my life! Sandy? What happened? |
Sandy: You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. Doctor: What happened? | I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos. |
Doctor: Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm... I think you guys want that hospital. | Weenie Hut General? |
Fred: A horn! Frankie Billy: What will happen next? Mr. Krabs: Atten-- Attention, Krusty Krab patrons! Behold! Fred: It's a jar of seeds! Frankie Billy: Bun seeds! Mr. Krabs: Today only, the Krusty Krab presents our first annual bun seed guessing contest! Guess how many seeds are in the jar and win a f-- f-- sorry, a f-- f-- I'll try again. A f-- f-- free Krabby Patty! Sally, Dennis Rechid, Paco, Debbie Rechid, and Harold Bill Reginald: Ooh! Mr. Krabs: Step right up! Guess right and win! They'll never guess it. Fred: Hmm. Three? Mr. Krabs: No. Next, please. Nat: 42?! Mr. Krabs: Nope. Dave: Billions and billions? Mr. Krabs: N-n-no. Suzy Fish: Blue? Mr. Krabs: No. Dennis Rechid: Mermaid Man? Mr. Krabs: That's not even a number. Voice: I have a guess. Mr. Krabs: Plankton! You don't get to guess. Plankton: Hey! What? You can't do that! It's not fair! Mr. Krabs: Oh, I'm sorry, but it's me restaurant and I can do what I please! Besides, I know you'll try to analyze that patty and find out me secret formuler. Plankton: You'll pay for this, Krabs! I'm calling the Bogus Business Bureau! Mr. Krabs: Yeah, right. Like they would even take your call. Bogus Business Bureau Receptionist: Bogus Business Bureau. Plankton: Hello, yes. I have a complaint. Mr. Krabs: That Plankton cracks me up. Like the Bogus Business Bureau would care about my dumb contest. Agent Twirp: I am Agent Twirp of the Bogus Business Bureau. Are you the proprietor of this... establishment? Mr. Krabs: Eh, uh, no. He's out of town. | Don't be modest, Mr. Krabs. He's responsible for everything at the Krusty Krab. |
Mr. Krabs: New trainee. Agent Twirp: According to article 57 of the Greasy Spoon Code, all fast food contests must be open to all customers, no matter how diminutive or annoying. Plankton: And I'm both of those things! You have to let me guess now, Krabs! Mr. Krabs: I'm won't do it! And you can't make me. Agent Twirp: If you refuse, I'll shut down the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs: Oh, fine! Plankton: This round goes to Plankton! | Golly, Mr. Krabs, what if Plankton guesses right and wins a Krabby Patty? |
Mr. Krabs: No worries. That nitwit Plankton hasn't got a chance. Plankton: Hmm. There are exactly five hundred thousand... Three hundred... Mr. Krabs: Oh, he's getting close. Plankton: ...And one! Mr. Krabs: Wrong! It's five hundred thousand three hundred and none! You are one over the mark. You lose. Agent Twirp: Hold on! It's not official unless you count them. Plankton: Yeah! French Narrator: A lot of boring math later... Mr. Krabs: 500298, 500299, 500300. I win! Plankton: Eh! | Hold on. There's something on the lid. You missed a bun seed, Mr. Krabs! Plankton was-- right. |
Plankton: YES! Agent Twirp: I now command you to give Mr. Plankton his prize. Plankton: You heard him, Krabs. Give me a Krabby Patty. Mr. Krabs: I can't. Plankton: What?! Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob needs to clean the grill first. | I cleaned it this morning. |
Mr. Krabs: Doesn't your spatula need aligning or something? | Nope, she's perfectly aligned. |
Mr. Krabs: Drat your efficiency! Uh, oh, yeah! I can't serve you your Patty until after the show! Plankton: What show? Mr. Krabs: The show that comes with a free Krabby Patty. See? Plankton: Oh, come on! Are you kidding me? Agent Twirp: It clearly says, and a show. I'll allow it. Plankton: Drat! Plankton: Is this part of the show? Mr. Krabs: No, this is isn't part of the show. Agent Twirp: Mm, such lovely filigree, wouldn't you agree? Plankton: Ugh. | Puppets! |
Mr. Krabs: Once upon a time, there was a happy Patty Laddie. Patty Laddie: La la la la la la la la! Mr. Krabs: He was beloved by all the good-hearted people in the world. Alas, there is also a villain in this story, by the name of Pla-- Flankton! | Boo! Hiss! |
Mr. Krabs: So, one day, when the lad was minding his own business, Flankton struck and took a huge bite out of the Laddie's face! Mr. Krabs: Ahh, My face! Ahhhhhhhh, My face! Plankton: Okay, we get it already! Mr. Krabs: Unfortunately for Flankton, the Patty didn't sit well with him. And he was so evil, it caused him to bloat something fierce... ...until eventurally he popped! The end. Plankton: Oh, bravo. Bravo. Why does the puppet get to eat a Krabby Patty and I don't? And why aren't you in the kitchen cooking my patty? Mr. Krabs: Alright, SpongeBob, we can't stall him any longer. Make a good one, laddie. This may be the last Patty you'll ever cook. | I'll do my best, sir. |
Mr. Krabs: Psst. I got a plan. You keep that blasted bureaucrat busy. Squidward: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Agent, sir. While we're waiting, perhaps I could direct your attention to-- oh, to the many code violations you'll find if you turn this way. It's a death trap. Mr. Krabs: There we go. Ooh, that takes care of that. And in three, two, one. | Mr. Krabs! |
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob. | Mr. Krabs, it's awful! We're all out of buns! |
Mr. Krabs: No buns? Drat the luck! Truck Driver: Got a delivery for the Krusty Krab. Where do you want us to put these buns? | Huh, good thing I ordered us extra b-- for the contest crowd. |
Plankton: Finally! At long last, the Krabby Patty is mine! Go ahead and wrap that up, son. I'll take it to go. | One Krabby Patty to go. Here you are. |
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no, you don't! You have to eat it on the premises. Them's the rules. Plankton: Yeah, that's what it says. Mr. Krabs: So? Plankton: Okay, okay. I will! I bid you good day, sir. Mr. Krabs: You gotta swallow it here on the premises. Plankton: Oh, come on. Agent Twirp: I'll allow it. Plankton: Fine! Can I go now? Plankton: Karen, quick! You gotta cut this Krabby Patty out of me, stat! Karen: But what about anesthetic? Plankton: There's no time! I can feel it digesting! Karen: Whatever you say, dear. Hold still. This may pinch a little. | Uh, Mr. Krabs? |
Mr. Krabs: What is it, lad? | Take a look. |
Plankton: Keep it moving, nice and orderly. Hey, Eugene! You want a free Krabby Patty? Just guess how many customers I can fit into the Chum Bucket! Abigail Marge: I feel terrible! The Krabby Patty takes like stomach acid! Henry-Bart: Yeah, and it tastes like aspirin and carrots! Ugh! Get it off! Get it off! Plankton: Wait, come back! Oh, come on, Karen, what happened? Karen: I just did what you asked. I analyzed the contents of your stomach and used them to synthesize a Krabby Patty. Mr. Krabs: It warms me heart to see that little twerp fail. Okay, boyo, fun time's over. Now go fish them buns out of the toilet. Oh, yeah, and put these seeds back on 'em. | That's my Krabs! |
Squidward: Ah, how I have dreamed of this day. Mr. Tentacles, Professor of Art. What a marvelous opportunity for the people of Bikini Bottom. Bring me your huddle masses of bored house wives and I will shape them into my image. I'll go down in history. Someday, there will be a wing with my name on it in all the museums of the world! Janitor: Dude, you're teaching art at the Rec Center. Calm down. Squidward: Uncultured trash urchin. 9 A.M. Time to let the class in. Well, don't want to keep them waiting any longer! Welcome to art class!! Nat: Oh, isn't this cooking? Sorry... | Hi, Squidward! Are you taking this art class, too? |
Squidward: SpongeBob!? In art class? WAIT! THIS IS COOKING! COME BACK! You gotta be kidding! | This is great! You and me in school together. So, where's the teacher? |
Squidward: You're looking at him. | You... are the teacher? To my pupil?! This isn't art class, it's Heaven. |
Squidward: Yeah. Grab a little piece of Heaven and let's get with it. | I'm ready, Mr. Tentacles. |
Squidward: So, you wanna be an artist, eh, SpongeBob? | Yes, please. |
Squidward: Well, art is not all fun and games. It's a lot of hard... ...work. Okay. First, repeat after me: I have no talent. | I have no talent. |
Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. | Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. |
Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent may rub off on me. | If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art. |
Squidward: Whatever. Okay. Since you're telling me you have no prior training, we'll have to start from square one. Or should I say circle one. Am I going too fast for you, SpongeBob? | How's this, Squidward? |
Squidward: What the? How the? A perfect circle? Do it again. Show your process. | Well, first I draw this head. Then I erase some of the more detailed features. And one, two, three. A circle, uhh, thingy. |
Squidward: Gimme that. Forget the circles. | Ooh, nice one Squidward. Let me try. Looky, Squidward. It's you and me playing leapfrog! That's you on the bottom. |
Squidward: Gimme that. There is nothing artistic about leapfrog! What are you doing, now? | I call it: Rippy Bits. You take a bunch of old ripped up paper, and make a new picture out of it. See? You're on top...this...time... |
Squidward: Do you want to learn art, or not? | I'm sorry, Squidward, I'll listen. |
Squidward: Alright, SpongeBob, pay close attention. Look at your marble. Visualize the sculpture within. Then, gently... | How's this Squidward? |
Squidward: It's beautiful. I mean... this isn't a sculpture. A good sculpture takes... more time! You can't just sculpt Willie-Nillie. You've got to go by the book. Follow the rules. Otherwise, you'll never get passed Amateur Hour, here. Besides, you've got the nose wrong. There, now it's art. | Ohhh, it's so obvious. I would've never thought of that. I'm sorry, Squidward. I came here to learn and I arrogantly shoved your lessons. I'll never be a great artist like you! I don't deserve your tutoring. I don't deserve to be in your presence. I don't even deserve to use your doors! |
Monty: Hello, there! | But I did deserve that. I deserved that, too. And I deserve this! |
Monty: Good day, sir! Squidward: Sorry, class dismissed. You're too late. Monty: Oh, I beg your pardon, but I've forgotten my manners. My name is Monty P. Moneybags. Squidward: The world famous art collector? Monty: The one and only. Squidward: Well, what are you doing here? Monty: I'm on a shopping spree. Buying art for my new museum. Squidward: Your search is over. I am Bikini Bottom's greatest artiste. I call this one: Squidward en repose. Monty: I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection. Squidward: Why not? Monty: Because. It's an art collection! Squidward: How about this one? I call it: Bold and Brash. Monty: More like: Belongs in the Trash! Janitor: Sorry. I must've missed that one. Monty: Maybe I should be... huh? What is that?! Squidward: Wait, wait. That's not uh, uh... Monty: Angelic form, amazing detail, perfect censorship! This is the work of a true genius. Hello? What this? This is the only flaw. Ahh, that's more like it. I simply must find the artist responsible. He shall have fame... Squidward: Fame! Monty: ...fortune... Squidward: Fortune! Monty: ...anything his heart desires! Squidward: Anything?!?! It's me! It's me! I'm responsible! Monty: I can see it now. Your name in the world's most prestigious museums. I'm gonna make you, immortal! Now, uh, help me get this in the car. Squidward: I could use a little help. My fame! My fortune! My hair! Monty: Well, that's a bit a bad luck right there. But, this shouldn't be a problem for an artist of your magnitude. You can whip up another one. Squidward: Yeah, no problem. You know, between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off. Monty: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks. Squidward: Yeah, no socks. OK, see you tomorrow. Bye. I gotta find SpongeBob! SpongeBob...SpongeBob?! SpongeBob!? | Go away, Squidward. I don't deserve your kindness. |
Squidward: Hey, cheer up. I have decided to give you another chance. Why, with a great teacher like me, anything is possible. | Don't look at me Squidward. Don't look at my shame. These hands weren't meant to create. They only destroy! I can't look at them. |
Squidward: Aww, c'mon SpongeBob. You've got yourself a pair of yellow dandies here. With my help, we'll turn them into tools of beauty. | Really? |
Squidward: Really! | Really? |
Squidward: Really! | Really? |
Squidward: Really. | Wow... Really? |
Squidward: Let's go. | Squidward, look. It's ol' Bold and Brash! |
Squidward: Gimme that. Okay, SpongeBob. Just do what you did before. | I... can't! |
Squidward: Ah, ah. Wait, wait. Let me help. Let's start with the circle again! | I did it, Squidward. |
Squidward: Huh!? But-but, what about the head...and the erasing, and the, the...? | I don't know, Squidward. That stuff's not in the book. |
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