Non-SpongeBob Dialogue
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Squidward: Don't waste your breath, SpongeBob. That mongrel of yours doesn't have a chance against Snellie. Patrick: Excuse me, but you two seem to be forgetting who the real winner will be... my snail. Squidward: Patrick, that's a rock. Patrick: Yeah, thanks. I know. He's got nerves of steel. Squidward: What are you standing on, anyway? Like I said, don't even bother showing up tomorrow. Patrick: My snail's really got Squidward scared, huh, SpongeBob?
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Sorry Patrick, Gary and I have got some serious work to do.
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Patrick: You can run, but you can't hide, SquarePants!
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Alright Gary, no more fooling around. Time to get serious. Come on, Gary, move it! Up, up, up, up! Down, down, down, down! Faster, faster, faster! Go, go, go! Come on, push it, Gary, push it! Move that shell! Come on, Gary, move it! Let's go, let's go, let's go! Faster! Let's go, let's go! Speed it up, speed it up, speed it up! Move it, Gary! Move it, move it, move it, move it... Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke. Come on, Gary, we're gonna be late for the big race!
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Nat: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our live coverage of this year's annual spring classic, the 102nd Running of the Snail. And what a beautiful day for this sport of kings, of which I am a huge fan. Seriously, I'm just a fan. I was on my way to my seat, the door was open. Perch Perkins: Hey, what are you doing?! Heh, sorry about that, folks. Let's go down to the field to join the mayor for the pre-game ceremony. Mayor: And now, for the lighting of the Torch of Good Sportsmanship, please join me in welcoming snail racing's first-ever champion, Lightning Larry Luciano! Perch Perkins: Would you look at that, folks? Lightning Larry Luciano, a living legend, slowly making his way center stage. And what a proud moment for this sport. The crowd is going absolutely nuts... ...for Larry. He's almost there. Uhh, yes, any minute now. Narrator: Two hours later... Perch Perkins: He's almost a quarter of the way there. Mayor: The torch is lit! Let the race begin. Squidward: Well, SpongeBob, I must admit, I didn't think that mongrel mutt of yours would even find the starting line. Congratulations.
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Save it for the Loser Circle, Squidward. Gary happens to be in the best shape for the rest of his life.
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Squidward: I'll alert the paramedics. Patrick: Good one, Squidward. Official: You guys ready? Patrick: A burglar!
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No, Patrick, that's the official.
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Official: We're ready to start here, folks. Squidward: Okay, Snellie, let's show these common, garden-variety snails what superior breeding is all about. Snellie: Meow.
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Alright, Gary, listen up, the competition is going to be fierce. You're the undersnail. Everybody's already counting you out. Now get out there and win, so we can rub Squidward's big fat nose in it.
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Gary: Meow. Patrick: This is what you've been training for, Rocky. This is why we're here. Official: On your mark. Get set. Slither! Perch Perkins: And they're off! Number six, Snellie, rockets out of the starting blocks, leaving the other two competitors in the dust!
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What!
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Squidward: Go, Snellie, you got it, baby!
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What are you doing, Gary?! The race has started! You let Snellie take the lead! Let's go, Gary. Start moving! You're blowing everything we trained for! Blowing it!
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Patrick: It's okay, Rocky. You go when you feel like it.
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Gary, are you listening to me?! Get the anchors out of your pants right now! Don't give me that look! I said now, mister! Get going, Gary! Go, go, go, go, go!
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Perch Perkins: And there goes number 7 out of the starting gate. Oh, hang on, folks. He doesn't look so good.
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Not good enough, Gary, not good enough! Faster!
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Perch Perkins: I do not like the look of this.
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Come on, Gary, it's a race! A race! Have you heard of 'em?!
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Perch Perkins: That coach is pushing that snail too hard!
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Faster, Gary, faster, faster, faster, faster! Huh?
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Perch Perkins: Oh, looks like number 7 has a blowout! Oops, make that two, folks.
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Uhh, Gary?
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Perch Perkins: Plus, a blown head gasket! Oh, and the poor creature's still going for it.
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Umm, Gary, you can stop now!
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Perch Perkins: He's losing control!
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You can take a break now if you want to, Gary.
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Perch Perkins: He's spinning out of control! He's heading straight for the wall!
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No! Hold on, Gary, I'm coming!
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Perch Perkins: Whoa. One of the coaches seems to have raced onto the track. That is an automatic disqualification. Looks like number six has this race all wrapped up, ladies and gentlemen. Squidward: Come on, Snellie, it's all you, baby!
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Oh, Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing it too hard?!
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Gary: Meow.
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You did? Oh, Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?!
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Gary: Meow.
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You did? Oh, Gary! Oh, Gary!
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Snellie: Meow. Squidward: What?!
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Gary? Oh!
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Crowd: Aww! Perch Perkins: My, oh, my. Folks, I have never seen anything quite like this. It seems Snellie, the leader, just went back to comfort Gary.
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Looks like you and I are in-laws, eh, Squidward?
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Squidward: But that's impossible. If Snellie didn't win, then... Announcer: And the winner is Rocky! Squidward: I can't believe it. My purebred, which cost me $1,700, lost to a rock. Patrick: Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you. Squidward: Gosh, Patrick, thanks. The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward... ...Tortellini?! Will I ever win? Sandy: That's for yesterday, SquarePants!
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All right, Gary, ready for your yearly shell waxing?
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Gary: Meow.
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Just look at that shine! Now let's check under the hood. Geez, Gary, this place is a real snail-sty.
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Gary: Meow.
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Still? From New Year's Eve? What?! I've been looking everywhere for this, Gary. My favorite novelty t-shirt! Oh, someone's here.
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Mailman: Special delivery for SpongeBob SquarePants.
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Special delivery? Just for me? You think I'm...special?
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Mailman: Alright, do we have to go through this every time I give you your mail? Sheesh.
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What could it be today, Gary?
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Gary: Meow.
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A videotape? You're a winner -- SpongeBob SquarePants. I'm SpongeBob SquarePants!
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Announcer: Karate Island: A serene and exotic location where nature and beauty abound, and hundreds of fighting styles collide in a wave of non-stop, pulsating, no-hold barred action! For centuries, the world's top karate artists have journeyed to this land to be crowned King of Karate.
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King of Karate?
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Announcer: Now it's your turn... Announcer 2: ...SpongeBob SquarePants. Announcer: You've won an all-expense paid trip to Karate Island! Hi-yah! Where you'll be crowned this year's King of Karate!
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Ooh... Did you hear that, Gary? I'm going to be crowned... King of Karate! Whoo-hoo!
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Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob.
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Hello, Sandy. Have you heard the news? I've been invited to Karate Island to be crowned the king of karate.
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Sandy: Karate Island? I've never heard of Karate Island.
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Oh, sure, Sandy, all the big karate experts go there.
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Sandy: But, my karate is better than yours by a country mile, and I've never been invited.
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Maybe your karate was the best, but now they've recognized a new number one.
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Sandy: There's something rotten in the Alamo. I'd better tag along with you and see if it's on the up-and-up.
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All right, Sandy, you can come with me to witness my crowning moment. Are we there yet?
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Sandy: Yup. That's it over there.
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What make you think that's Karate Island?
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Sandy: I don't know -- lucky guess?
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Hello there, the King of Karate has arrived.
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Fish: Welcome to my island, SpongeBob-san.
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Oh, thank you.
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Master Udon: I am Master Udon. Sandy: Howdy, Master Udon, I'm Sandy Cheeks. I do a little karate, myself.
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Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. Mr. Udon isn't interested in a karate novice like you. He only has time for royalty.
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Sandy: Oh, brother. Master Udon: Please, show me some of your moves, Master SpongeBob.
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You hear that, Sandy? He called me master. Bring on your best fighters! I'll try to go easy on 'em.
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Sandy: SpongeBob, your karate's not good enough to handle those sidewinders.
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Pa-shaw! Watch and learn, sister. Yup. That's how the King of Karate does it. Who's next?
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Sandy: Something smells like rancid rodeo around here. Master Udon: Excellent. Truly, you are King of Karate.
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The one and only.
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Master Udon: We must make ready for your coronation.
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I'm ready to be King of Karate!
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Master Udon: King of Karate-san, it is time for you to take your rightful place on your throne.
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My throne.
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Sandy: All right, Udon, I'm on to you. This place is as crooked as a dizzy sidewinder.
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Come, Sandy, take your place next to the king and share in my crowning achievement. Bring a seat for my air-breathing friend.
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Sandy: SpongeBob, y'all are getting a bit wily.
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Oh, do I detect a note of jealousy, Sandy?
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Sandy: Heck, I could karate you into a country fiddle with one paw tied behind my back.
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But who's being crowned King of Karate - not you.
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Sandy: I'm getting off this crazy train! Master Udon: Master, don't worry about her. She is missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime. Let the coronation begin!
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Sandy's going to miss out, big time.
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Sandy: That dang SpongeBob. Who does he think he is? I taught that yellow egomaniac everything he knows about fighting -- and that ain't much.
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No!
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Sandy: SpongeBob's in trouble! SpongeBob is the King of Karate. He doesn't need me. Eh, he can handle this himself.
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Sandy, I need you! I can't handle this myself.
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Sandy: Hold on, buddy!
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No, Sandy!
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Master Udon: She will never reach you. She must first pass through the 'Four Floors of Fear'. Sandy: SpongeBob? The Tickler: Ha. Ha-ha-ha. You cannot pass unless you defeat me, The Tickler, and my iron-finger style. Ha-ha. Look! Sandy: Huh? The Tickler: Prepare for the tickling of your life! Sandy: Taste these! The Tickler: Oh no! Jelly-filled donuts? How did you know they were my weakness? Sandy: No one can resist jelly-filled. Sticky around, I'll be back with the glazed. The Tickler: I could use a wet napkin. Sandy: All right, who's next? Lip Service: Halt! No one advances past me, Lip Service, and my power-flexi dynamo-lip thruster style. Lip Service: Dance, squirrel, dance. Sandy: Advanced hair-dryer style! Lip Service: What do you expect to do with that? Oh, no! Not chapped lips! Sandy: That's enough lip out of you. Filthy Phil: No one has ever made it to the lair of Filthy Phil. No one passes except me. Now, feel the steam of my horrible body odor. Sandy: Ha-ha, Phil! Your foul stench can't permeate my fresh-air dome. Filthy Phil: Fresh-air dome? Man, I really do stink. Master Udon: You are one impressive squirrel. You even made a costume change. Sandy: Release SpongeBob! Master Udon: Never. He is forbidden to leave until...he signs this contract. Sandy: What are you talking about? Master Udon: Real estate. Sandy: You mean this whole thing was a scam to get us to buy real estate? Master Udon: Yes. If there was a real Karate Island, I'd be a millionaire.
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You mean I'm not King of Karate?
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Master Udon: No. But you could be King of Condos. Here, let me explain. It's really quite simple. See, if you invest in a time share here on Condo Island, you can see your equity increase ten-fold. Perhaps you and your yellow friend would like to set up a timeshare plan?
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Don't do it, Sandy!
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Sandy: I won't give in to your timeshare vacation scam! Master Udon: Then give into my fists. Sandy: You're in the soup now, Udon!
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Sandy, I'm sorry I acted like a jerk back there. Thanks for saving me from... buying a condo.
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Sandy: Aw, shucks, SpongeBob, that's what friends are for.
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I still have one question, though. Does this mean I'm not King of Karate anymore?
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Sandy: You are in my book, SpongeBob. You are in my book. Now let me tell you about real estate. It's all about location... Squidward: I'm here! The King of Clarinets has arrived!
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Good morning, day! Ow! I stubbed my toe! I stubbed my toe! I was walking around and I stubbed my toe! D'oh, that was my favorite shirt.
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Radio DJ: And that was Aja by Eely Dan. Next up is Lionel Fishy with his hit, Sad Song.
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That's a sad song!
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Squidward: That SpongeBob is such a crybaby. Lucky me, I get to work with him all day. Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, guess what? Yeah, I'll come back later.
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He was a good little Krabby Patty. I didn't know him well, but in the few short seconds between grill and floor, I----I came to love him! It just isn't fair!
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Squidward: SpongeBob, will you stop crying?!
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But the Krabby Patty fell on the floor and he—
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Squidward: Krabby Patty nothing! Krabby Patty nothing! What now?
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You yelled at me! You yelled at me!!!
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Squidward: All right, look. So far today, and it's not even 2:00 yet, you have cried 43 times.
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And you wrote that number on a chalkboard.
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Squidward: Yes!
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Why?
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Squidward: I have no idea.
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Oh, Squidward, there's no way I cry that much. There's not that many tears in my brain.
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Squidward: Au contraire.
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What's this?
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Squidward: It's a quick montage of flashbacks I've edited together that shows the hundreds of tears you have cried over the years.
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Boo! Hoo! Boohoo! Sob. Whimper.
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Narrator: Thousands of tears later...
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Wow, guess I do cry a lot. I promise I won't cry anymore.
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Squidward: Oh, nonsense! I bet you can't go the rest of the day without crying.
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Excuse me a minute.
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Patrick: Star... residence. Patrick speaking.
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Hey, Patrick.
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Patrick: Hey, buddy! Is it 7:30 already?
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No, I'm still at work.
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Patrick: How can I help you?
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Do you think that I could go the rest of the day without crying?
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Patrick: Well, of course you can.
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Okay, great, thanks, Patrick.
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Patrick: Umm... sure. And did you remember to put that package outside where I told you?
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Yeah, but I left it in a different spot. Just ask Gary, he knows where it is.
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Patrick: Oh, yeah. Hey, good one, buddy. You almost had me there.
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Okay.
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Patrick: Yeah, talk to you later.
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All right, see ya. Okay, it's a bet.
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Squidward: Fine. If you cry one tear before midnight, you have to... Wash my bike, clean out my rain gutters, and do all my yard work for a year.
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Sounds fair to me. And if I make it to midnight without crying, you'll come to a slumber party at my place. Just you and me. Ooh, what's the matter?
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Squidward: Um, nothing, I just threw up a little in my mouth. No need to worry, Squiddy. You've outdone yourself. He'll be crying in ten minutes.
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Thanks again for walking home with me, Squidward.
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Squidward: There's a first time for everything. Also, I'd like to win this bet as soon as possible.
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I am not gonna cry. I am not gonna cry. I can do this!
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Squidward: Do what? Oh, my! What a lovely sunset. Take a look, SpongeBob. Isn't that beautiful?
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I've never seen such a beautiful underwater sunset.
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Squidward: Really tugs the heartstrings, doesn't it?
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It's...
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Squidward: Is that a tear I see?
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Oh, well, sunset's over. Nice of you to drop in, neighbor.
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Squidward: Nice of you to have me, I-- Oh, look SpongeBob. Gary's sleeping.
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Aww. He looks like an angel.
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Squidward: That is just so adorable. Almost makes you want to cry.
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Yeah... No! There shall be no tears in this house tonight! La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
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Squidward: Oh, SpongeBob.
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Yes?
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Squidward: Your mail's here. Ooh, oh look, it's a postcard from your dear mother and father so far away.
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Mother, father?
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Squidward: Dear SpongeBob, we are having a wonderful time in the South Seas and we miss you very, very much.
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Ohh... My subscription to Jellyfishing Monthly's expired. Remind me to renew that, will you, Squidward?
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Squidward: No problem. Anchor Fish: Welcome back to Bikini Bottom News. Our top story tonight: a series of sad tales. Squidward: Ooh, let's turn it up. Anchor Fish: Tragedy in the park when a young snail caught in a tree almost didn't get down. Petey: Meow. Anchor Fish: However, he did get down.
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Hooray!
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Anchor Fish: Coming up, an interview with a manatee who didn't get what he wanted for his birthday.
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Oh, no.
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Anchor Fish: And finally, sad news for Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy fans.
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What, what, what?
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Anchor Fish: They will only be showing The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Show seven times a day instead of eight—
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Let's watch something else Squidward, okay?!
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Squidward: Fine! Kid Fish: Hey, Dad, how about a game of catch? Unnamed father: Sorry, son, I'm late for work. Kid Fish: Okay, Dad. Unnamed father: I guess I can stay for a few throws. Kid Fish: I love you, Dad. Unnamed father: I love you, son.
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You know what they say about that television. Rots the brain.
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Patrick: Hey, thanks for the TV, SpongeBob! I'm gonna watch it all night! Squidward: It's getting late. I'd better bring out the big guns. Oh, SpongeBob.
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Yes, Squidward?
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Squidward: What would you say to a little music?
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I'd say... I'll go get some refreshments.
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Squidward: Don't be long. My secret weapon is waiting.
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You said something, Squidward?
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Squidward: Oh, I just said, Relax and enjoy the song.
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That's a really sad song, Squidward.
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Squidward: You're not gonna cry though, are you?
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No. Time really does fly when you're having fun. Well, I'd better start getting ready for bed.
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Squidward: Uh, SpongeBob. No-no-no-no, wait.
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Yes, Squidward?
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Squidward: How about a bedtime story?
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Now you're talking! Whatcha gonna read me, Squidward?
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Squidward: Umm... How 'bout The Little Angler Who Got Lost?
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That sounds like a very sad story.
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Squidward: Oh, very sad. Umm... There once was a little angler who was, uh, little and sad. One day the little sad angler was walking through the park.
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Walking...
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Squidward: But, he was sad, because...because he was lost... he was lost and very sad. And then, he— he started to cry. He cried and he cried. And he cried even more. And he kept crying... ...and crying and crying and crying and...that's right. You can do it.
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I'm wondering if it might not be so healthy to hold in all my tears, Squidward.
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Squidward: You're exactly right, SpongeBob. Let it all out. Don't fight the feel-- Ten, nine...do it, do it, cry...eight, seven, six, five...come on! ...four, three, two, one! Midnight! Well, SpongeBob, it looks like you won the... Patrick: Wow, what a great show. Mr. Krabs: Well, at least we're still together, little ones.
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More popcorn, Squidward?
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Squidward: No, no. No, no. Please.
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Don't be shy now. I made extra. That's all right, let it out. You can cry all you want. You're among friends here.
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Tina-Fran: Squidward, we love you! Audience Member #2: I love you, Squidward. You're my favorite! Squidward: Alright, alright. Time for another hideous day at work. Ahh, just hang in there, gorgeous. Your star will shine at the clarinet recital tomorrow.
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Time for another glorious day at work. Good morning, Squidward! And isn't it a lovely morning? Why are you playing the clarinet on your way to work?
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