Non-SpongeBob Dialogue
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Flying Dutchman: Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman? | That would be me: SpongeBob Back-SassPants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea. |
Flying Dutchman: He'd sell your soul for a couple of bucks. | I'd bet my soul he wouldn't. |
Flying Dutchman: You got yourself a bet. Okay, Krabs, I'll let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between SpongeBob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take? Mr. Krabs: That depends, how much money we talking about? | Mr. Krabs! |
Flying Dutchman: 62 cents. Mr. Krabs: I'll take the money. | Mr. Krabs! |
Flying Dutchman: Here you go, Krabs. Sixty-two cents. Next stop: Davy Jones' locker! Mr. Krabs: Look, Squidward, money! Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I can't believe I'm saying this, but how could you trade SpongeBob for sixty-two cents? Mr. Krabs: You think I could've gotten more? Squidward: He stuck up for you and you sold him out. You should be ashamed of yourself! Mr. Krabs: Oh, what have I done? I want another chance! I didn't learn anything! I lost me best fry cook! I don't want this foul money! I want SpongeBob back! Flying Dutchman: Here, take him back. Mr. Krabs: You heard what I said about the money? Flying Dutchman: Heard what you said? I couldn't hear myself thinking with this one around. I only had him for thirty seconds. And it's jellyfishing this and Mermaid Man that. Why, not giving him back is a fate worse than death! | Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy merchandise were the closest thing to everything. I love jellyfishing, you should love jellyfishing. You should come some time and bring your own net! |
Flying Dutchman: He's your problem now. Mr. Krabs: Heh, about trading you for pocket change... | Say no more, Mr. Krabs. You did it for the Krusty Krab. I would have done the same thing. |
Mr. Krabs: You would have? | No. |
Flying Dutchman: Dutchman's residence. | So, as I was saying, you and me gotta hang out more. What nights are good for you? Here are the nights that are good for me: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I gotta work. I work at the Krusty Krab. My best friend is Patrick. He's pink. ♪Krabby Patties, Krabby Patties, love cookin' me some Krabby Patties! Feedin' all the children and the mommies and the daddies! Love servin' up the most delicious dish, but before I can, gotta add a little of this!♪ Hmm, time to refill the tartar sauce. Empty! I thought I'd never see the day. Use on or before the date printed below. This can has been here for 50 years. That's longer than me! Oh, important Krusty Krab relic, what shall we do with ye? |
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, throw that trash out and get back to work! | Trash? Oh, but, Mr. Krabs, this should be in a museum for future generations to enjoy. |
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Future generations, huh? Mr. Krabs: Welcome to the Krusty Krab Time Capsule Spectacular! That's right! In 50 years, your donated treasures will be honored for future generations to enjoy! All right, you guys got donations covered, right? | Sir, yes, sir! |
Squidward: Whatever. Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna go ahead and take care of souvenirs! | The peoples of the future must see this, so they will know how we toasted bread in the before time. So that they can understand the... |
Squidward: Garbage. That'll be a $5 contribution fee. Mr. Krabs: And there's your commemorative time capsule key chain. That'll be $49.57. Billy: But, this thing's made out of rusty old paper clips and cardboard! Mr. Krabs: All right. You drive a hard bargain. I'll throw in a coupon for one free ice cube in a purchase of any large cola at the Krusty Krab. What do ya say? Billy: Deal! | What a beautiful lamp, ma'am, so ornate, essential for night time reading. |
Sadie: Why, thank you, young man! Squidward: No, thank you for completely failing our future generations with your donation. I mean, seriously, ma'am, did you just grab the first thing you saw this morning? Sadie: Well, actually, I... Squidward: Hmm. Oh, whatever shall I donate to the time capsule? Golly, this is hard! How about this lamp?! It's perfect! Sadie: Wow, you're good. How did you know all that? Are you like a psychic? Oh, oh, oh! Tell me what I'm thinking! Squidward: Next. | Hey, nice pass, Squidward! |
Squidward: Uh-huh. Tell me, what do you know about this plate? Man: Uh, it works good when I eat stuff. Squidward: Right. This plate is actually not meant to be eaten on. Now with your permission, I'd like to perform a few tests to verify its authenticity. Man: Uh, okay. Squidward: Uh-huh. Interesting. This is a promising sign. Yep. You hear that plate-hitting-skull sound? It's definitely authentic. And I would price it conservatively in today's market at $250. Man: Really? Squidward: No. | You are the crown jewel of the time capsule! |
Squidward: Next. | A four-striped sock! Incredible! |
French Narrator: 2 hours later... | Okay, Squidward. I think that's everyone. |
Patrick: SpongeBob! SpongeBob, did I make it? I brought my favorite rock to donate to the time thinger. | Ooh, are you sure you can part with it, Patrick? |
Patrick: Sometimes you've got to make sacrifices. | After you then! |
Patrick: Thank you, my good man. Squidward: Sorry, Patrick, but there's no way I'm letting you put your dumb rock in the time capsule. I've allowed some seriously ridiculous items today, but this is where I draw the line. Do you unders...? Patrick: Okay, Rocky, you're going bye-bye now. Squidward: Oh, no, you don't! | You know, that didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. |
Patrick: What didn't? Hey, look, a yo-yo! | Patrick, you're very good at that! |
Mr. Krabs: And thanks so much for all your contributions! So are ya ready to put this thing in the ground?! Plankton: Curse that Krabs and his cheering crowds! Big whoop-- a stupid time capsule. Mr. Krabs: But, before we do, I'd like to make a contribution of my own. A copy of the Krabby Patty formula! Plankton: There it is! The one element that can turn this lonesome bucket of steel into a bustling world famous eatery! Mr. Krabs: Send her down! | He shoots, he scores! |
Squidward: Get off me! | Hey, Squidward, what are you doing? |
Patrick: Yeah, it looks fun! Squidward: WE JUST GOT BURIED ALIVE, YOU IDIOTS! | I know, but what are you doing? |
Mr. Krabs: Who's ready to eat some Krabby Patties, 'cause all that waiting in line's got you super hungry? | Hmm. What should we do for the next 50 years? |
Patrick: I'm just gonna hang here for a while, maybe get a kelp soda later. | Patrick, you can't go anywhere. We're trapped down here till they open that capsule in 50 years. |
Patrick: 50 years? What are we gonna do till then? | I don't know. We've got 50 years' worth of stuff to play with here! It's our favorite game! |
Both: Pretzel Pals! Patrick: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! | Yes, yes, now where did we leave off? |
Patrick: I believe my left hand was on red. | My right foot was on blue. |
Patrick: Forehead on yellow. | Left foot on green. [kicks Squidward in the face. He throws the game off him and on SpongeBob and Patrick |
Squidward: That's it, this game is over! Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, what do you think Bikini Bottom will be like in the future? | Hmmm. |
Future Fish: Welcome to the future, history person. During your absence, our society has achieved numerous advances we're sure you'll find to be quite impressive. Well? | Wow, a water fountain for short people! What will the future think of next? |
Patrick: Not bad, SpongeBob. Not bad. I dream of a town with a perfect blend of commerce and irrigation. Not to mention the breathtaking views. | Sounds dreamy, Pat. What do you think the future will be like, Squidward? |
Future Octopus: His art embodies the soul that our society has lost. And it is here, the location of the suffering that inspired that art that we place the Squidward Tentacles Memorial Museum! | Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? |
Plankton: Jackpot! And now to extract the secret recipe. Careful. Careful. SpongeBob & Patrick: Sixteen Bikini Bottom, nineteen Bikini Bottom, twenty! Ready or not, here we... Patrick: Nice try, Squidward, but we both already got that hiding spot figured out. Whipped cream! Oh, this whipped cream tastes awful! Sha-veeng g-el. I've always wanted a beard! | Me too! Do you want one too, Squidbeard? |
Squidward: Wha...? Oh! Has it been 50 years already? Yes! I knew I'd still be hot! Plankton: Secret recipe, where are you? Aha! Squidward: Hello, future! Yes! Huh? What the...?! Where's my museum? The future is the same as my old pathetic life! Forget this! I'm waiting another 50 years! Plankton: Finally, the Krabby Patty secret recipe! Squidward: Dig me out when my life doesn't stink. Karen: Don't hurt yourself, Poopsy. Plankton: Quiet, Karen. Just bring me more prunes. Narrator: Ahhh... The Krusty Krab, Bikini Bottom's answer to fine dining. And here we see one of its patrons now. Ah... yes, moving on. Oh, it is the SpongeBob, creator of the fine cuisine within. Now let us watch. Squidward: One Krabby Patty, extra grease. | Whoa! |
Squidward: Mmm. | Ooh! |
Squidward: All right, let me see it. The Krusty Krab work schedule, what's so great about this? | What's so... why, it's my happy book. The Krusty Krab is where all of my happiest memories occurred. |
Squidward: Hmmm... Oops, I accidentally burned up your memories. | Don't worry, Squidward. I have a whole cabinet of backups. So what's your happiest memory, Squidward? |
Squidward: Ummm, let me think... I guess I don't have a happiest memory. Oh, well. Squidward: Yes?! | Squidward, you don't have a happiest memory? |
Squidward: So what? | How can you live without a happiest memory? Do you cry yourself to sleep at night? |
Squidward: I hear you crying all the time. | Well, with joy, Squidward, with joy. |
Squidward: Look, I don't need a happy memory, so just get back to your culinary grease factory and leave me alone. Sandals: Hey, I'd like to order a Krabby Patty, please. Okay... can someone else take my order? Sandals: I'll wait. Squidward: You're right, SpongeBob, I don't have a happy memory. This is horrible! | Don't worry, Squidward, I'll help you make a happiest memory. |
Squidward: Really? Do you think you can? | No problem. |
Squidward: Well, it's against my better judgement, but, okay. | You love music, right, Squidward? |
Squidward: Mmm hmm. | Then this will definitely be your happiest memory! |
Squidward: Hey, this isn't so bad. I think I actually feel kinda...happy! | See? Your happiest memory is forming! Oops. That was a sour note. |
Squidward: This is not my happiest memory... Squidward: Why are we at the Art Museum? | Well, you love art. Maybe you'll find a happiest moment in here! |
Squidward: Great... I get to see all the art of people who have succeeded where I've failed. My art will never be shown in this... What the? This... this is my sculpture! How did it get here? Curator: Oh! You're just in time! Art lovers, this is Squidward Tentacles! Creator of this piece! | Wow! Your work at a museum Squidward! |
Squidward: Gosh! I can't believe it! I think this might be it! | Your happiest memory? |
Squidward: Yeah! Curator: And now the performance artist Fiasco will say a few words about this piece Squidward: Gosh! Fiasco himself is talking about my art! Fiasco: Ahem! Squid... ward... go toward... the light... of my flamethrower! Squidward: And now he's melted it... Not a happiest memory... | Um... it's kinda smokey in here! You need fresh air! What a majestic view! |
Squidward: What view? | Oh yeah! I forgot about your blindfold! Isn't it beautiful? |
Squidward: Very nice... except that I'm afraid of heights! | Oh! Sorry Squidward! I'll take us down! |
Squidward: What?! No! Oh boy... Oh yeah...nice view... Harold: Son of a seahorse! Twenty years of training and a couple of amateurs just leap out of a balloon! Here! You plant it! All that time and money and resources wasted on... | Hey! We're the first to ever reach the top of Mt. Bikini! Surely that makes for a happiest memory! I claim this mountain in the name of Squidward Tentacles! |
Squidward: Uh oh... Harold: Stupid amateurs... Fantastic... Squidward: Time to face facts. I'll never have a happiest memory. And if I do, it definitely won't involve you. Hello misery... I'm home... I might as well go to bed for a hundred years or so. Wake me when I'm dead... Narrator: Two weeks later... | Gary, I am worried about Squidward. He hasn't come out of his house for two weeks now! |
Gary: | Why isn't he answering? Squidward! Squidward! Now I'm really worried! Squidward! Squidward! Gasp! Squidward! Down here! He's upstairs! Hey! Hey! Squidward! Well at least we know that he is still alive. Uh oh... I'm okay Gary! |
Gary: Meow... | Squidward sure seems depressed. I think I'll call him to cheer him up! Hello? Squidward? Are you there? Squidward? Are you there? Squidward? |
Gary: Meow? | Gary? What are you doing at Squidward's? Uh Gare? Can you put Squidward on the phone? Hold on a second, someone is on the other line. Hello? Hello!? Hello!? Hello? |
Squidward: I just can't seem to get happy... Well, that didn't help... Huh? That's strange, I could have swear I just threw that darn phone away. Oh yeah. My fax machine. Now, why did I buy that again? | Hi, Squidward! You sure are a hard man to get a hold of! Hey, do I smell brownies? |
Squidward: Yes... Thanks for stopping by. Gary: Sigh... meow. | Thanks Gary! I have to find a way to give Squidward a happiest memory. These pants may be square, but it's time to think outside the box! |
Squidward: I can't seem to get happy... Maybe this will help. Nope... I guess not... Oh great... I wonder who that could be... You're not SpongeBob. Mailfish: I have a package for a Squidward Tentaclees? Squidward: Tentacles. Yes that's me. Mailfish: Well, here you go. Squidward: Thanks... Doesn't say who's it from. No doubt SpongeBob is hiding inside. Ah well, here goes nothing. Gotcha! Huh? It's empty. Empty, just like my miserable life! I see nothing but darkness ahead... SpongeBob!? | Surprise! I figured out you needed a party to help cheer you up! Unfortunately, everybody I tried to invite was busy or sick but don't worry! I used my paper mâché skills to fill the party with your favorite person: me! So what do you think? Happiest memory or what? |
Squidward: You don't seem to understand. I... don't... want... a... happiest memory! | So you enjoying the hors d'oeuvres? |
Squidward: I feel wonderful! This is it, my happiest memory! | Sigh... he's so handsome! |
Patrick: No, no! Yay! Nerd: Well, if only Inaudible Lad were here right now. Patrick: Oh. Nothing satisfies like a good story. | Are ya ready to go, Patrick? |
Patrick: Get back, I wasn't going to eat all of you! | Patrick, it's me! |
Patrick: Sponge-- | Ew, what's this? |
Patrick: Well, whatever it is, it's mine! Unless I don't want it! SpongeBob, what do all these words say? | It's an ad. Dear Comic Book Reader. |
Patrick: That's me! | Have you ever thought about turning one of your poems into a hit song on the radio? |
Patrick: I never thought about anything! | Send in your poem and $100 and we'll make it a hit! Can we go now? My arms are getting tired. |
Patrick: I want to send in a poem, and everyone would love it, and I would be a star! | You can't always trust ads in comic books. Those X-Ray specs I ordered couldn't see through people's skin at all! Only their clothes! Plus, you don't have $100. Patrick, could you get my wallet? |
Patrick: Hey, look. I just found $100! It's a sign that I should make my hit record. | Hey, that's my comic book money! |
Patrick: It's a sign! A sign that fell from the back of your pants. I've learned to trust signs like that. | Patrick. |
Comic Book Store Clerk: Hey, you going to pay for those comics? | No. Ow! Can I have my arms back? |
Patrick: I wish not to be disturbed, SpongeBob, for I am about to erupt with a masterpiece. | Good luck. Coming-- |
Patrick: SpongeBob, could I borrow a pencil and some paper and a place to work? Patrick: SpongeBob! This pencil is broken! Why won't it make words? | You have to think of the words yourself. |
Patrick: I think I wrote a poem once. Young Patrick: A Poem, by Patrick Star. Roses are blue, violets are red, I have to go to the bathroom. Gym Teacher: How many times do I gotta tell ya, this is gym class! Patrick: Ohh, dodgeballs. | Oh, Patrick! |
Patrick: Don't hit me with a dodgeball! Gary: Meow. | Why would I hit you with a dodgeball? |
Patrick: I've never told anyone this, I wrote a poem once. | No! |
Patrick: Wait! There's more. When I read it to the class, they pelted me with dodgeballs! Just because we were playing dodgeball! Whyyyyyy?! | You can play your records later, Gary. Patrick, is that why you've been having trouble writing? |
Patrick: I'm worried my poem's not gonna be any good and you're going to hit me with dodgeballs. | Oh, I don't even own a dodgeball. Do you, Gary? |
Gary: Meow. Patrick: If you're serious, I can do this. I'm even gonna use my brain. | That's the spirit, Patrick! I'll open a window. |
Patrick: Come on, you stupid brain! work! It's working! | Patrick, don't strain yourself. |
Squidward: Now, what's going on? What is that horrible smell? Is Patrick thinking again? Patrick: I'm making art! Squidward: Patrick, it smells like something crawled in your brain and died. Patrick: That's the creative process at work! Ready to go to the post office? I need to mail in my masterpiece. Narrator: The next day... Lead Singer: ♪--and that's why you're my cookie-wookie teddy bear!♪ Guitarist #1: I hate my life. Keyboardist: I hate your life, too, dude. Band Manager: People! We have 17 more songs to finish this hour! Next up is: I Wrote This by Patrick Star. Yick. Guitarist #2: This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up. Guitarist #1: Oh yeah. Band Manager: I don't care how awful his poem is! We spent his 100 bucks already! Guitarist #1: Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. A 1, a 2 and a-- Charlie: They wanted you to have this. Patrick: My song. Ahh... | Come on, let's hear it! |
Patrick: Um, I don't know. You're not gonna throw dodgeballs at me? | I don't see any dodgeballs here buddy. Just an artist and his work. |
Patrick: Yeah! And me too! Now sit down and get comfortable. | Uh, Patrick? |
Patrick: SpongeBob SquarePants! Are you ready to rock?! Whooo! | It's really loud! |
Patrick: You need it louder? Okay! Lead singer: ♪Twinkle, twinkle, Patrick Star. I made myself a sandwich. My mommy named it Fred. It tastes like beans and bacon. And smells like it's been dead. Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil. Pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point. P.U., what's that horrible smell?♪ Singer: Drum Solo! Lead Singer: ♪I have a head, it ends in a point. pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point.♪ ♪This song is over, except for this line, you win this round, broccoli!♪ Patrick: That was awesome! Did you like it or did you really, really like it? Give me your completely honest opinion of how great it was. | Oh...hmm... how do I put this delicately-- That was the best song I ever heard! |
Patrick: Do you really think so? | We need to get that song on the radio! |
Patrick: Then let's go right now, come on! | Darn, I just got that arm back. |
Patrick: I can't wait to see look on their face once they hear this. | Did you see the look on his face? |
Patrick: Yeah. Did you see his ears? | I didn't know they could turn inside out like that. Now, how are we going to get your record on the radio? |
Patrick: What record? | I got an idea! We just have to play your record from the top of this antenna. |
Patrick: Carry me? | Huh? Patrick-- |
Patrick: Oh, yeah. I forgot. Lead Singer: ♪Twinkle, twinkle, Patrick Star--♪ Ralph: Lead Singer: ♪--I made myself a sandwich, my mommy named it Fred--♪ Billy: It's in my head! Lead Singer: ♪--It tastes like beans and bacon, and smells like it's been dead,♪ ♪Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil--♪ Frank: Lucky. Lead Singer: ♪--Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point--♪ Harold: This song always makes me think of you. Lead Singer: ♪--P.U., what's that horrible smell?♪ Singer: Drum solo! Billy: Stop! Lead Singer: ♪--I have a head, it ends in a point--♪ Fish: My ears! Lead Singer: ♪--Pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, pointy, point--♪ ♪--This song is over, except for this line--♪ Old Man Walker: I like it. Lead Singer: ♪--you win this round, broccoli!♪ | Well, it looks like Bikini Bottom is throwing a party. and you know what a party needs. |
Patrick: Uh, bean dip? | Yes, that is important. But I was thinking about music! Turn it up, Patrick! |
Lead Singer: ♪It tastes like beans and bacon--♪ Fred: Where is that awful song coming from? Lead Singer: ♪--And it smells like it's been dead--♪ Fred: To the radio station! Lou: Torches! Get your torches! Harold: Pitchforks! You can't be an angry mob without pitchforks! Peterson: Cotton Candy! Get your cotton candy! Can't throw a riot without cotton candy! Lead Singer: ♪--I have a head. It ends in a point--♪ | Look at that, Patrick! |
Patrick: Oh, you mean the angry mob with the pitchforks and torches? | That's not an angry mob, Patrick. It's your fan club! |
Patrick: Fan club? Yee-whoo! We should sing them a song! Fred: Who's responsible for that song on the radio? | Why, he's right here. Patrick Star, Musical Genius. |
Fred: Let's get 'em, boys! Patrick: And that was my new song called, Ay... Fred: You know, It's not that bad. Jimmy: Yeah. At least it got that first terrible song out of our heads. Patrick: Oh, yeah. My song. Oh, Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star-- Gym Teacher: Patrick! Looks like you need another lesson! Dodgeballs ready! Patrick: Uh-oh. | Good night, Mr. Krabs. |
Mr. Krabs: Closing time already? | I just served a Krabby Patty to the last customer. |
Mr. Krabs: Well, have a good night, SpongeBob. | Mr. Krabs, is it okay if I buy a Krabby Patty to go for my pet snail Gary? |
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