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Instruct: Does counseling really do anything that can help people? Output: Counseling is a collaborative process which involves the development of a confidential, unique, therapeutic, helping relationship. This relationship is unlike any other as the counselor will act as a facilitator in helping you better understand yourself, the world around you, your feelings, and your behaviors.As is the case with most things in life, there are both benefits and risks while participating in counseling. Counseling may improve your ability to relate with others, provide a clearer understanding of yourself, your values, and your goals, and it often helps relieve stress immediately.Along with these benefits, counseling will also involve discussing the unpleasant parts of your life, and you may experience uncomfortable feelings during these moments. But remember that using the awareness of one’s pain can aid the healing process and result in better relationships with yourself and others.

Instruct: I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset? Output: I would ask you first what made you give him another chance after he repeatedly lied and broke every promise to you?  I would imagine if he repeatedly lied to you that it will damage your ability to trust him now.  Is he in therapy? Does he recognize that he has a problem and is he trying to repair it?  Even if he truly forgot to tell you about the woman at work I think the real issue here is TRUST.  I am not saying that he doesn't have a lying problem.  Instead of asking someone else if you should be upset, ask yourself how you truly feel about him and this situation.  

Instruct: I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do? Output: First of all, congratulations on your new role! Transitions can be challenging, and it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of change.  This would be difficult for many people, and it seems that you have an added layer of challenge.  I recommend visiting a therapist to determine the root cause of your anxiety and working to unravel those causes piece by piece. I know seeing a therapist can be challenging when traveling, and online counseling could be a good solution. In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite anxiety stopping strategies.  1. Grounding Exercises: When you feel your anxiety increasing, take a deep breath and begin things in your room (or where ever you are) that have things in common. For example, name all of the blue things that you can see.  You can also do non-visual grounding exercises like naming all of the hte sports teams you can think of or all of the state capitals.  This will get your mind off of your anxiety and connect you to space.  2. The pretzel: This is a seated pose that will stop any anxiety attack in its tracks.  Start in a seated position and cross your dominate leg over your nondominant leg. Then, stretch your arms out in front of you with the back of your hands facing one another.  Cross your arms in front of each other so that your palms are touching.  Flip your arms into your body.  You will end with your elbows by your side and your hands crossed under your chin.  Close your eyes and take long breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.  This calming pose will help you get through even the toughest of panic episodes. 3. Bilateral stimulation and visualization: Start in a seated position with your hands placed on your knees. Tap each knee in an alternating pattern. Close your eyes and begin visualizing a peaceful setting. The combination of bilateral stimulation and visualization will help calm your body and mind.  I could go on and on, but these techniques should get you started.  These techniques should help you manage anxiety in a pinch.  Best of luck! 

Instruct: Everyone around me is much smarter and flaunts it. Everyone around me is skinny, and here I am trying to throw up so I'm not fat. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't seem to do anything right! No one else at school seems to feel the way I do! Is this normal teenage girls feelings? I don't think these feelings are normal. Output: There are some struggles that are less "obvious" than others, an eating disorder being one of them. From just your personal experience alone you might realize how easy it may seem to keep such a secret from those around you. In the same way, there are many people who struggle secretly with this problem and not many people know or even notice. So you are definitely not alone. Low self-esteem or lack of confidence in some areas are issues that EVERY teen, in fact EVERY person, has experienced at some point. These feelings are "normal." It sounds, though, as if these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have begun to consume your every day thoughts and behaviors bringing you to where you are today - comparing yourself to others, purging, and feeling extreme guilt. Sometimes it's best if we seek outside help, instead of trying to tackle problems on our own. Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor, nutritionist, and a therapist who can help change your perspective from the inside out! Hope this helps!

Instruct: I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single. Output: If you enjoy cross-dressing and are comfortable with how you feelaand aware of your own thoughts and feelings about it in private as compared to in public,  I see no problem with that.If you would like to become more comfortable with it or express more feelings about it, I recommend that you  see a local mental health professional, not because there is anything wrong with what you are doing, but so you can learn more about yourself in the process. You may find  that doing this in private and having a partner  who accepts that is your view of how you would like things to be. You may discover that you would like to do this in public.I appreciate your honesty.

Instruct: I have absolutely nothing to do with my life but lay in bed on my phone or hangout with my one friend. I don't have a job, my family doesn't include me in anything, and I don't have many friends. I have nothing to do besides go on my phone. I miss talking to people in person instead of online. I don't even talk to my family in person even from the other room. Output: It sounds like you are feeling pretty stuck, lonely, and hopeless; like you have a desire to be more connected to people and to find purpose in life, but are not sure what to do. I am glad to hear that you have at least one friend and I think it is great that you are reaching out for more connection. If you can, working with a therapist who is competent in treating depression may be a huge benefit to you and help you to regain a sense of meaning, motivation, and connection. Additionally, anything you can do to give yourself a little break from the feeling of pointlessness and any ruminating thoughts you may be having may be of help. I know it may sound pointless in the moment, and you may feel a great deal of inertia in doing so, but you may find that if you force yourself to do something small that is pleasurable, like taking a walk for example, there's a good chance you will be glad that you did so after the fact. Thank you for reaching out.

Instruct: I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this? Output: Therapy does not work overnight, oftentimes it is a lifelong struggle, the therapists job is not to "cure" you or to remove something but rather to make you strong enough to live your life with your own peculiarities and struggles, remember we are human and constantly fallible. Another important thing to note is that although you go to therapy, that is just a room, most of the magic and work takes place in your real life outside of that room.

Instruct: I self-harm, and I stop for awhile. Then when I see something sad or depressing, I automatically want to self-harm. Output: In a way, self-harm can present somewhat like an addiction.  According to new research within the field of neuroscience there is a valid explanation for this.  When a person cuts or uses other forms of self harm, the body produces endorphins to help make a person feel better.  If a person was dealing with depression or high anxiety, that might be misinterpreted by the brain as a way to help oneself feel better and a new neural network or map might form (addiction) that would utilize this new behavior.  Another way to look at it would be thru a behavioral lens, a positive reward for a behavior, even though the behavior has other long term negative consequences.  Consider working with someone who can both have you work on and address those items that trigger your behavior and the root causes, in this case sadness or depression, and second find someone who can help give you alternatives that take into account the neurological requirement by replacing the behavior with another behavior (such as snapping a rubber band on the wrist) and working to extinguish the unwanted behavior.   Someone who is trained in Dialectic Behavior Therapy and/or Interpersonal Neurobiology would most likely have the skills and means available to address this with you.

Instruct: I want us all to get along, but feel that I am not being respected. Of course I do have some insecurities because he was with his ex for 8 years. He wants to see his step daughter and ex makes it so he has to go there to see her, but she doesn't want me around. She has a boyfriend, but mine fixes their vehicles, goes over once a week and hangs out with the ex and does family things with her. Since he works nights, I only see him parts of Friday-Sunday and we live together. He won't let me use his phone when I forgot mine, says his ex used to mess with it. I don't think he's cheating, but he will lie about what time he actually left her place to come home or about going over early to be with them. I feel like the other woman. She has tried to mess with holiday plans by restricting when he can see the child. He only dated once person before her, so this could be why. I don't feel he has let go enough. He is a wonderful boyfriend other than this. Output: How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him?The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship.The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner.There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex.Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily.A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised.

Instruct: I don’t love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but I’d rather be with my friends than be with her at all. It’s not just a "teenager phase." I still love my mom and dad, and I’m very close to them. However, it’s my sister I don’t love or have ever really liked at all. Output: Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship. How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life.

Instruct: I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship. Output: One thing you could try to do on your own is to focus on the partner who is in front of you now. If you are able to connect with them via touch or focusing on their tone of voice, that may help to center you. Tried to stay grounded and/or mindful. That is being aware of your position in the room, your feet on the floor, your hands in your lap, or your hips in the chair. Being mindful of the environment you are currently (for example, noticing what is around you) may be helpful. Try to use all your senses. For example, you could focus on hearing your husband's voice, feeling his hand in yours, being wrapped in your favorite blanket, seeing a comforting photo, using a comforting sense or candle, or tasting an apple that reminds you of times when you have enjoyed yourself in the kitchen.It also sounds like you are having a very specific reaction that could very well be related to trauma. I would recommend that you talk with a local mental health professional.Remember, just because it was the best decision of your life, that doesn't mean that what happened to you or in your presence automatically leaves you when you leave the relationship. Our brain is actually hardwired to remember things that have caused us pain or great emotional distress as a way of protecting us from them happening again. This is a very natural response and the reactions you have as far as nightmares and flashbacks are the past coming forward and your brain trying to make sense of it all.

Instruct: I’m facing severe depression and anxiety and I just feel like I’m going through a lot. This really distracts me and I cant get my mind off the things that are bothering me. How do I overcome this anxierty and depression? Output: Meditation may be able to assist you in lowering your anxiety and depressive symptoms. Meditation…Breaks Anxious Thought PatternsA common symptom of anxiety is having racing negative and obsessive thoughts that create a vicious cycle of worry within your mind. Meditation can reduce rumination and the break negative thought patterns by increasing your control over random unwanted thoughts and decreasing your tendency to worry by altering the way your brain responds to stress. For example, instead of following your negative thought down the rabbit hole, you learn to view your thoughts differently and recognize it for what it is – a thought – and let it go. Thank goodness to neuroplasticity and your brains endless capacity to change! Balances Brain ChemicalsAnxiety is brought on by various factors (personality type, emotional trauma, genes, prolonged exposure to stress…) and sometimes causes an imbalance of chemicals within the brain (GABA and serotonin). A meditation practice can assist in restoring the balance of neurotransmitters within the brain by increasing GABA (neurotransmitter connected to feeling happy and relaxed) and serotonin (another neurotransmitter connected to being happy) and decreasing cortisol (stress hormone).Builds A Healthier BrainBased on research and scans, individuals who have a regular meditation practice show dramatically larger amounts of gray matter, the volume of the hippocampus, thickness of the cortex, increased blood flow to the brain, improved neural connections between various parts of the brain and decreased size of the amygdala (controls autonomic responses associated with fear, arousal, and emotional stimulation). View full article here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/4/16/meditate-to-lower-anxiety-levels

Instruct: Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isn’t abuse, it’s just angry verbal bashing, and that it’s different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now. Output: One thing you could try is to talk to your partner when she's not angry about the following:If she's angry, maybe she can talk with you about what she is angry about rather than calling you names.If she gets angry and then calms down a little while later, maybe one of you can take a timeout in the discussion and set a time when you will come back to it.Discuss what it is that you find acceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what it is that you find unacceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what is acceptable for her to do during an argumentDiscuss what is on acceptable for her to do during an argumentYour partner can answer the same questions related to herself and you.I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have this discussion when there is not an argument going on. Perhaps you could mention that you would like to talk about something that is really important and see if the current time is a good time. If not, consider when in the next 24 to 48 hours would be a good time.It may also be helpful to discuss these ideas with a local therapist. The therapist may also be able to help both of you figure out where the anger is coming from and where she has learned to react this way.If it is abuse, it may be even more difficult to have these important discussions. It may be helpful for you to see a local therapist by yourself to assess things like physical and emotional safety.

Instruct: My spouse decided he no longer wanted me six years ago. Things have deteriorated so badly that we have separated but still live in the same house. He says he despises the sight of me, wants to be with other women, and divorce. What I don't understand is that he says constantly that I have no feelings for him and gets absurdly jealous if I speak to another male. Why does he constantly do these behaviors? I might add he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and as a narcissist. Output: What a burden for you!Your husband cannot seem to make up his mind on his viewpoint and doesn't seem to care whether or not you're affected by speaking out of two sides of his mouth.Keep yourself protected emotionally from him.   There's no good which can come by arguing with a person who  flips their position.Live as separately as possible from him and stick to roommate type matters such as groceries, bill paying and housecleaning as discussion topics.If he cannot make sense of what he thinks and feels, then certainly you will face similar difficulty trying to do so!

Instruct: Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts? Output: I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind.None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming.What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability.Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life.Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them.  When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution.   Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable.I hope this helps you at least a little bit!

Instruct: I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop? Output: How is your life going overall?Since you hear voices since you were young I wonder whether you mean the thoughts each of us has about what to do, our opinions, including self-criticism and praise.I try to understand how severe a problem these voices are if you've managed to get to a point in life of awareness about the voices.Usually when mental health people hear about voices the immediate thought is you need drugs bc you are psychotic.Since this is going on for a number of years, I wonder if the problem is something different.

Instruct: Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such. Output: I want to add that one way therapy can help with social anxiety is to give you a corrective experience.  Each week, you sit across from someone who genuinely cares about you, who doesn't judge you, and who you can voice your concerns to.  Over time, you show them more and more of yourself, and as they get to know you, they still care about you, they still don't judge you, and they still think you are amazing.  Find a therapist you connect with.

Instruct: I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others. Output: This relationship with your step dad sounds very challenging. It is hard to to be told over and over again how not good enough we are. Let me offer you this, frequently when we say harsh, mean, nasty things to others, we are simply projecting our own thoughts about ourself. I am not advocating that this is ok, it seems like your stepdad could also use some support. You get to make your own empowered choice around this, this is your life and if you find yourself in a situation that does not suit you make a change.

Instruct: I keep feeling paralyzed and unsure during interviews. Previous jobs have fired me for lack of performance, and five employers have rejected me after extensive personality tests and interviews. I'm afraid of continuing because my depression is getting worse. I'm already humiliated working for temp agencies and doubt my self-worth as a provider for my family. Output: It sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed and stuck between wanting to improve your work situation and worrying that you won't be able to. It is possible that the paralysis, uncertainty, and self-doubt that you describe are contributing to your difficulty in getting  and maintaining a satisfying job as employers generally like to see that a potential employee is confident and can think on his or her feet. With a competent therapist, you may be able to get more understanding of the roots of these feelings and learn how to move forward in your search for a better work life in a way that leaves you feeling confident and capable.

Instruct: My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines. Output: Developmentally, there are ages where not coloring in the lines, writing words that are jumbled together, and leaving big spaces or skipping lines are completely normal.  I have seen children in 3rd and in some cases, 4th grade who do not have learning disabilities write in the manner you have described.  There is, however, a type of learning disability called Dysgraphia which can present in the ways you have described. If you suspect that your daughter might have Dysgraphia, then the best thing to do is to have educational testing done.  You can request testing by going through your school system and asking for an IEP (Individualized Educational Plan) meeting.  Your school is required to honor your request for an IEP meeting.  At the meeting, you can ask the school to do educational testing that will be at no cost to you.  I will say that depending on where you live and your school system, it can sometimes be difficult to get the school system to do testing.  If that is the case, you can go to a psychologist or find an agency near you that can also perform this type of testing as well (some will accept insurance and others will not.)  There are also educational advocates that you can hire to help you if you ever have difficulty getting your daughter properly assessed by the school system.  I also highly recommend seeing a developmental ophthalmologist and/or a developmental pediatrician.  They can be great resources in helping you to determine if your daughter does have a learning disability.I always say that a parent should "trust their gut" and if you feel that your child is struggling and that there may be a learning disability then there is no harm in getting your child evaluated.  The best case scenario is that your child is completely on track and what you are seeing is developmentally appropriate.  On the other hand, if your child does have a learning disability, then you have caught it early enough where she can receive services that will help her in the long run. Either way, it is a win, win.

Instruct: Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? Output: The answer depends on how the other areas of your son's life are doing.Is he happy or does he seem happy, playing alone during recess?Does he have friends in other social circles besides the students whom he's with at recess?How is his academic progress?How is his social integration among his classmates?Are there any special or unusual circumstances in the home and family environment?Go through this list to form a fuller idea of whether your son simply likes alone time and takes this option during recess, or if any if the above areas show stress or difficulty for him and which need to be further understood and handled.

Instruct: My husband and I have been together since high school. We have been married going on for nearly ten years, and we have three beautiful children. A few weeks ago, my husband decided he need some time apart and moved over to his dad’s for a while. He comes home to see the kids and acts like there is not too much wrong. Can this marriage be saved or is it too late? He said he would go to counseling, so I don't think he has given up. Output: While it would be impossible for me to say whether your marriage can be saved it sounds like you are both willing to give it a try and to get professional support. With appropriate professional support for your relationship a lot is possible. I'm not familiar with the resources available in Jackson but I'm sure there are some good local couple therapists and there may be some agencies that specialize in couple counselling and family therapy. So often the challenges that we have in relationships result from rather small habits in relating that lead to greater feelings of distress, loneliness, anger and resentment. I commend your willingness to put effort into creating the strong loving relationship that you want for both of your sakes and of course for your children. The following links provides more information regarding common behaviours that predict staying together or separating and also videos and other resources that can help you get started. Wishing you and your family all the best on your journey of healing and discovery. 

Instruct: How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client? Output: Hi there, There are a number of reasons why a therapeutic relationship might end including, but not limited to the client reaching their goals, the client reaching a place of acceptance where they wish to remain or even a breach within the relationship.  The last aspect should likely be taken to supervision in order to be fully processed.  All of these things could happen, and usually happen organically (again, except for the last example). Your question, however, was about the counselor ending treatment. This is a bit more difficult and can be very nerve-wracking.  It may be beneficial to take this with you to supervision, as well.  It's important to understand why you feel the need to end or terminate with the client, as well. Do you feel that they would be better suited for another therapist, have they achieved their goals or is it something else?In regular, open-ended sessions, I try to make a point of checking in with the clients fairly frequently. In these check-ins, I use the time to ask the client how they feel about the sessions and if there is anything they wish to focus on more astutely.  I also ask if they have any immediate goals that they would like to prioritize.  In goal-oriented sessions, I check in more frequently to ensure that both the client and I remain focused and, should they wish to shift their focus, that they recognize it is part of my responsibilities to make sure we move back to the desired goal. Often, especially in longer term therapeutic relationships, we as clinicians can see that the client has reached their goal, however they are apprehensive about ending therapy.  This is actually a great place to go with them; why would they feel unable to handle issues in their external or internal environment without you? Often, having this open discussion can increase empowerment and mastery. That said, it could also highlight other issues which the client may have been apprehensive about going into within therapy and now, as the relationship seems to be ending, feels more confident in bringing these up. In the case where the relationship is a toxic one, terminating with a client may be the best option for both of you. It's a difficult conversation, but recall that part of the role of the therapist is to model that these discomforts can be managed. I hope that this brief response can assist you going forward!

Instruct: Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me? Output: Yes, it is normal to cry during therapy, it is a time of catharsis, letting things out, shedding our skin, dropping our weights and just to let you know, even therapists sometimes feel like crying in sessions. Although people often cry or become upset, it is in no way a measure of "good therapy". C

Instruct: He is in his late thirties and I am in my mid twenties. We have been together for about 5 months. I really like him. He says he cares about me and is willing to fight to make things right. He has been very apologetic and expressed he did it out of fear. I don't know if it's worth giving him a second chance. Output: Cheating is often a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. His fear may be full of information. While it's possible to repair relationships after a betrayal it's also challenging to do, especially so early in your relationship. I can't tell you if you should/shouldn't give this relationship a second chance but I will tell you to tune into your own intuition (and follow your own fears in doing so, they often are incredibly informative when we don't push them away with denial).

Instruct: I'm in my early 20s. I’ve been married once, and he cheated on me. Ever since then, I've felt ugly no matter what. I'm engaged, and I still feel ugly. I don't like to take pictures of myself. Output: Sounds as though you're taking the blame for the bad actions of your former husband.He did an ugly action, and instead of feeling only your own emotions in response to being cheated on, you are holding his ugly behavior within you and feeling it.Does this sound like a possible explanation of why your feeling of ugliness started after the cheating incident?You may start feeling better by looking within your own heart for the full effects of having been hurt.  It is possible there is more suffering within you than you've realized until now.As you address all the emotional pain you've lived through, the feeling of ugliness may drop out all of its own. Because you'd be focused on you, not on any of the ugliness introduced into your life by your cheating ex husband.

Instruct: I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do. Output: If you are happy with the person that you are about to be married to and are also enjoying time with other men, it could be possible that you are attracted to people of more than one gender.Having said that, some people have feelings toward people of more than one gender that are not really related to romance or attraction, but any number of other feelings, such as trust and communication. I don't know whether your use of the phrase "messing around" was related specifically to being romantically or sexually involved with the people who you are or referring to or if you are saying that you are enjoying spending time with them. These terms have different definitions for almost everyone.I would definitely recommend speaking with a local mental health practitioner in your area, not because there is anything wrong about the way you are feeling, but because there are a lot of different parts of what is happening in your life right now and it may be helpful to talk about the feelings and thoughts with someone who can help you to learn more about yourself and the people are most important in your life (yourself included).I also suggest looking at a few things that you love and appreciate about yourself.

Instruct: I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do? Output: Your happiness and healthiness is key.  I would not suggest that you hold back and keep it a secret.  You should be up-front about it, but perhaps gently bring it up on a date.  When thinking about whether or not you should stop, think about how it makes you feel.  Perhaps try to be social at more accepting affirming locations in your area.  The people who will accept you for who you are are out there.  You may not be looking in all of the places you have available to you.

Instruct: My dad cheated on my mom for 13 years. I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that my boyfriend might be cheating on me even when I know he isn't. I have full access to his phone, social media, and e-mails. I never find anything, but I'm obsessed with constantly checking just in case. How do I stop this? It's driving a wedge between us. Output: Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted.The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours.Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like "everyone cheats", or " you're not enough for him". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts.The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting "as if" something if true strangely helps us believe it.It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck!

Instruct: We are the legal guardianship of our grandson. He has been acting out, and he wants to talk to his mom that has not talked to him since before last year. How are we to handle this? Output: Hi Boone, This depends a lot on his age and the situation. The younger the child is, in general, the more I would see this as your decision, not his. A child of any age should be listened to carefully about these matters, but just because a child has unresolved issues about a parent doesn't necessarily mean that having contact is a good solution. Some questions... Was the parent harmful to the child? Is the parent likely to be harmful to the child? How likely is it to be a positive experience? Do you have any contact with the parent? You may want to speak with the parent first to determine whether they are in a stable enough place to allow this to happen.  I would start by asking the child more about what is on his mind. What does he want to get out of a visit with the parent? Is it to see them and know the parent is okay, to get an apology, to apologize for a perceived hurt, to have regular contact, to find out if they are loved...? What does he hope mom or dad might do or say in the visit? There are many possible goals this child might have in mind. This will give you a sense of what's missing for the child; what need are they trying to fill. Once you know the need, try to determine the likelihood of that need being met successfully through contact.Once you determine the risk of the child's need not being met, then you decide whether it makes sense.  The older the child, the more able they are to determine this with you or for themselves. There are other options than a face-to-face. He can write to his mom or dad, text or email. It's likely that the child is looking for a sense that he is loved, wanted, worth some effort. When a child is separated from a parent, they tend to blame themselves. Whether he sees the parent or not, he will need extra love, attention and support than a child who has two loving, present parents. I wish him the best and I'm grateful for the love and support you continue to give your grandson. You're very special!

Instruct: My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications. Output: Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her.Unless your friend feels like stopping pills,  taking them away will mean she finds them some place else.The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted.Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life.Her problem is bigger than your ability to care.If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills.This is not a guarantee that she'll stop.It isa way of you showing that you care about her.Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her.Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you.Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself.  Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using.

Instruct: I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal? Output: This is your experience, your feeling and you are wondering if it is normal, which means is this common or the rule. This question about how you feel about your third child leads me to believe you are dis- turbed [etymology: agitated or stirred up].  Feelings are messages from our soul or spirit that something is not right.  So, though  it might be normal [common, the rule]  to look forward to a one year olds nap time when you have a three year old a nine year old, the dis- turbance or stirring up in you, is important and requires your attention, your listening, if you will to your higher self.     

Instruct: I am really worried about one of my friends because I think he has major depression. He disagrees with me on that. He is shut off when it comes to talking to people and telling them how he really feels. He told me he feels empty inside and the only emotions he feels are anger and sadness. I suggested to him to get help and talk to his mom about it but he refuses. Output: First of all, I can tell that you really care about your friend and I think it's great that you are reaching out with your concern. It's hard to determine whether your friend would meet the criteria for an official diagnosis of depression without working with him, however, whether he does or not, therapy may be beneficial for him in working through these difficult feelings and relational challenges. Unfortunately, you can't make your friend get help. He will ultimately need to make that decision for himself, however, you can talk to him about your concerns and your hopes that he will reach out for help.

Instruct: I like getting attention from men. I don't have sex. I lead them on to thinking I might want to. I like to tease, I like for men to chase me, and I like to feel wanted. Output: Hi Michigan, Good for you for recognising a destructive pattern. This behaviour, although it might get you the attention you want initially, will ultimately drive men away because it's not respectful of them. My gut says that you learned early on in life that your value is in your sexuality alone. That's a powerful thought. You are certainly acting as if this is true. If you believed in your value as a person, you would be less afraid of deeper relationships and intimacy in general. If I were your therapist, I'd have many questions for you and I would need to understand a lot of things about you and your past to help you sort out where this idea about yourself came from. I'd suggest reaching out to a qualified therapist who can help you get to the root of this behaviour. Good luck!

Instruct: We've been dating for two months now. I have a heavy past that gets him angry. Does he have a right to penalize me for things I did before I met him? Output: Not in my book. You're only two months in? At this early stage, this is a bit of a warning sign. If he can't accept or feel comfortable with who you are and decisions you've made, there's already a level of discomfort here that shouldn't be ignored. No, he doesn't have the right to penalize you or punish you ...not just for past things...not for anything. What he does get to do it tell you how it affects him. Sure...if he feels uncomfortable or needs reassurance...listen to those things. But If he doesn't dig who you are, maybe he can walk the other way.

Instruct: I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest. Output: It sounds like your in quite a rough place, my recommendation just based on what you type might warrant a visit to a psychotherapist to resolve what may be going on, I am not entirely sure but it sounds like he might have a bit of a sex addiction problem. One thing you need to ask yourself is "Am I happy?", "Do I feel loved?", these are deep questions, but the answers to those questions will give you a direction to travel in.

Instruct: What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose. Output: As a relationship therapist I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another and almost always find that the origin of these feelings point back towards childhood. How did you caregivers express (or not express) love towards you? How did they express (or not express) love towards one another. These early messages become your template for how you have learned to see yourself and what you expect from others. In his book Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin, PsyD writes “We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people.”  This could be very fruitful to explore in individual therapy with a relationship therapist who really gets it, you may have to interview a few to find the right fit; that's OK. Maybe you'd even want to read that book I linked above. :) Noticing this pattern is HUGE, it's where transformation begins. And now that you have be kind with yourself, it begins there too.

Instruct: My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband. Output: The numbers you write are low compared to how much sex many other people would be satisfied having.The key is your and your husband's satisfaction with the amount of sex you are having.And, know if there are reasons besides low sex drive that possibly explain this.Knowing the other possibilities matter because a low sex life may mean one of you is being satisfied sexually outside the marriage or that one of you prefers sex with a same gendered partner.If you've ruled out these possibilities, and you are satisfied with your emotional and financial life in the relationship, then a low sex drive may simply be the norm for the two of you.

Instruct: I sleep a lot. Music changes my mood. I cry every Wednesday. My mind is like a maze that even I get lost in. I don't usually feel my true emotions, but instead, I get fake mirrored ones. Output: What happens in your life on Wednesdays that you feel like crying?   Crying is natural.  Crying on Wednesdays may also be natural if some type of regular event or situation comes up for you then that you don't like, feel oppressed by and have no way of avoiding.Maybe you would qualify for a diagnosis for depression.This matters less than what you will do with a diagnosis.  Very often people feel some type of relief from hearing a professional tell them what they "have".Don't let yourself get talked into taking pills because now you "have something".  Pills change your mood.Only you can change your life.The diagnosis matters so the therapist gets paid from insurance.It is a good sign that you know whether you feel true emotions or fake ones.  This is a clear sign of knowing about yourself.Your mind feeling like a "maze" is a little too vague to know if you mean there are too many thoughts at once so that you have difficulty knowing which ones to examine first, or if "maze" means you don't know what your thoughts are and  feel lost for this reason.Depression which is addressed by a person can become quite liberating because you will remove what bothers you so much in your life that it weighs you down and depresses you.

Instruct: I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better? Output: I'm so sorry to hear about your recent loss.  There is such a large feeling of uncertainty that befalls those of us left to sort through these emotions of such a loss, and it's never easy.  I think it's important to remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with loss and the "best way" for you may not be the best way for someone else.  The fact that you are aware that you are smoking more marijuana and drinking more, and the fact that you can recognize that these may not be the best coping techniques, is a very good step towards giving yourself some better support at this time.  Marijuana and drinking are type of coping techniques that can numb us to our emotions, but they do not really help us to work through those emotions. When it comes to grief, often one of the most helpful ways to move through the phases of grief is to use your social supports; talk to your friends and family, see your mutual friends and commiserate with each other on the loss and the uncertainty.  The more we talk about our feelings, the more we are okay with them being ours. The more we express our loss, the better we become at accepting such a loss. In talking with your supports, you may also decide ways in which you may want to remember your friend; ways you can do so on a personal level (writing a poem, planting a tree, etc.) or ways you as a group can remember and memorialize them (a special day where you get together to share your memories, starting a charity, etc.) We never truly "get over" our losses, but we can learnt o accept the losses and what it means to us now...but that also takes time. 

Instruct: Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this? Output: Light therapy is very helpful. You are not alone. The name for the condition is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). You might want to see a therapist to assist you putting in place a behavioral program to help change the way you feel.

Instruct: How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment? Output: When you find the right therapist, you will feel understood on a deeper level.  You'll feel that they not only understood what you were saying, but that they were also able to catch the "in between the lines" part and put into words what you have not been able to.  The relationship with your therapist should be collaborative, there should be a fundamental element of safety and trust.  A strong relationship with your therapist takes time to cultivate, but by the second or third session, you'll know if that therapist genuinely see's the world from your perspective and has a plan to get on how they will support your growth through this journey.

Instruct: There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person. Output: My wife won't do things she used to doThere are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person.Like we often hear, communication is the key to a good relationship.  Intimacy in the marriage is something we take for granted, and we rarely communicate about it. I noticed how you mentioned that she had “once agreed to try” things; did you ever asked if she enjoyed those things or would want to repeat them.  Have you asked if she would like to try new things as well?What if, you work on improving your communication with your wife? One thing to consider is the status of your relationship.  Are you in good terms with each other? Are you or your wife going under a stressful situation?   Many times when we have problems we reflect it in multiple areas, including our intimacy or lack of it.  Listen to her; ask how you can support her.  Find ways to reconnect as a couple, relax, have fun, and do things that you used to enjoy, or discover new interests together.Then you can focus on having conversations about your intimacy.  You could star by letting her know that you are concerned about your romantic life, and ask if you do anything that she likes or dislikes.  Remember this is a two-way street, you should be ready to listen and ready to share.  Take in consideration what she mentions, and work on resolving those issues.  It is important that you praise each other as you progress and do this in a loving and supportive way, avoiding hurtful comments. If you continue to struggle, or seems difficult to engage in communicating with your wife, consider couples therapy or individual therapy to work on communication skills.Mi esposa no hace las cosas que solía hacerHay cosas intimas que ella hacia al principio de nuestra relación, y cosas que alguna vez ella estuvo de acuerdo en probar y que ahora no hace.  Yo  me paso pensando en eso todo el día.  Me siento rechazado y pienso que me case con la persona equivocada.Como tanto escuchamos, comunicación es la clave para una buena relación.   La intimidad en el matrimonio es algo de damos por hecho y rara vez nos comunicamos al respecto.  Noté como mencionas que alguna vez tu esposa “estuvo de acuerdo en probar” algo.  ¿Alguna vez le preguntaste si le gusto lo que probo, o si quería repetirlo?  ¿Le has preguntado si ella quisiera intentar algo nuevo o diferente?¿Y qué tal si trabajas en mejorar la comunicación con tu esposa?Un aspecto a considerar es si hay alguna tención en el matrimonio.  Si están pasando por una situación tensa en su matrimonio o algún otro aspecto de su vida, lo pueden estar reflejando en su intimidad, o la falta de la misma.  Escúchala, pregunta cómo puedes darle apoyo.  Encuentra maneras de reconectar en pareja, relajarse, divertirse, y hacer cosas que antes disfrutaban, o descubrir nuevos intereses juntos. Si demuestran que son importantes uno para el otro y apoyan sus necesidades, se unirán más y disfrutaran de su tiempo intimo.Luego trabaja en tener conversaciones sobre la intimidad.  Puedes empezar por dejarle saber que te preocupa la vida romántica preguntarle si hay algo que a ella le agrada o desagrada al respecto. Recuerda que esto será beneficioso para los dos, tú debes estar preparado para escucharla, y compartir tus preocupaciones.  Toma en consideración lo que ella mencione, y trabaja en resolver o eliminar esas conductas.  Es importante que se alaguen y animen en el proceso, que este sea un proceso de apoyo y crecimiento y que continúen teniendo esta conversación frecuentemente.Si continuas teniendo dificultad o no sabes cómo comunicarte con tu pareja, considera terapia de pareja como una alternativa, o incluso consejería individual para trabajar en tus destrezas de comunicación.

Instruct: My fiancé and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left. Output: There is a grieving process after losing a relationship (or any other major loss, such as a job, a house, etc.). One of the things to consider is give yourself a chance to go through the tasks of mourning:To accept the reality of the lossTo process the pain of griefTo adjust to a world without the person who has just leftTo find an enduring connection with that person in the midst of embarking on a new life. This could mean a lot of things, but it could be holding certain memories as your own.You may also find things that make you feel happy or comfortable. It's also helpful to have people who you can talk to about your feelings and people who may be able to recognize things about you that you cannot see right now (such as how you are honest, committed to your work, a good listener, etc.).This takes some time. Try to be gentle with yourself.

Instruct: I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? Output: What you are describing is something I often refer to as "living with your roommate" phenomenon. This is the idea that you feel like you are living with a roommate and no your partner or spouse . It is not uncommon for members of a couple to report to feel both physical and/or emotional distance. When we don't feel connected within relationships, this can be isolating and lonely. The emotional distance often makes us wonder: am I important to the other? These types of feelings need to be better understood in the context of your own background and upbringing I.e., who you are and also better understood in the context of your couple. Feeling reconnected can occur-- but there is not a "one size fits all" solutoon. As a first step, do you or your partner have any ideas of how to feel reconnected? Have you considering talking to your partner about the emotional void? Or how about discussing  solutions , together, that might help-- from individual therapy to couple therapy to a weekly date night to inquiring about one another's personal interest to starting off the conversation of what both of you want and can do to re-establish feelings of connectiveness. If this is too frightening I.e., to address the lack of connection between you and your spouse.  a fist meeting with a couple therapist can likely help unpack what the possible solutions for your couple.

Instruct: We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. Output: I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills.

Instruct: I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this? Output: Certainly.

Instruct: I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year. Back in August, he asked for us to step back for now. Since then, he has still been in contact with me every day. We spent some time together over the holidays, but then I was gone for New Years with family. I came to find out that he put himself on a dating site. When I found out, I asked him about it, and he responded with this: “My apologies if I got my signals crossed, or if I wasn’t honest with you. You have helped me tons this past year and I am glad you are in my life. I didn’t realize you were still interested in dating. Again, my apologies.” Also, is it better to say that I want him in my life or that I want him as part of my life? Output: It sounds like there is a bit of confusion regarding how you two feel about each other. Do you know what type of relationship you want with him? A friendship only, casual dating, or an exclusive relationship? I would encourage you to first figure that out and then communicate to him how you are feeling. Ask him to be honest with you about how he feels and what he wants from your relationship as well. Be mentally prepared for a variety of responses from him so that there are no major surprises. By clearing the air and learning what your own and each other's desires are, you can then move forward with a plan. Without that clarification, there will likely be false assumptions, unanswered questions, and confusion.

Instruct: What am I doing wrong? My wife and I are fighting all the time. What can I do? We don't agree on anything and she usually jumps to conclusions, which are usually wrong on how I feel. She is very family-oriented while all of my family left me on my butt, abused, ignored and messed up with me mentally. I'm not a family-oriented person. I only have two people in my life - my best friend and my wife. My mother forced my father out of my life so I do not know who he really is. We've gotten in contact but he just makes comments on how much I look like her when in fact I look more like him. This makes me mad because I don't want to look like my mother. I hate her. All that she did was bring me down and make me homeless, which she was successful at. I need guidance in my life. I don't want to lose my wife but we need to have a space because we usually hit each other and it's not healthy. I'm dying to make our relationship healthy. I've never wanted anything more than this. Please help me. I need your advice. Output: Hello. It sounds to me like you are carrying an enormous amount of emotional weight, and maybe even an equally enormous amount of guilt and feelings of failure about your marriage. I cannot imagine how challenging this is for you right now. Marriages take lots of work, and often the only examples we tend to have are of those we saw when we were young - good, bad, or indifferent. There are no easy answers to your questions, and I won't presume that my response to you will be the linch-pin that heals all your pain. But I can maybe give some thoughts and reflections. First and foremost, cut yourself some slack. No one is perfect. We fail more often than we succeed, but in the end we learn, and that learning helps us grow. Yes, you're right, the abusive aspects of your marriage are not good, and need to stop. You probably are doing more harm than good in that regard, and this will quickly destroy anything you have in your marriage that is even remotely in your favor. Seeing a therapist for yourself, and then seeing a therapist as a couple is a good approach. You have issues that you need to resolve, that, while they impact your marriage because they are part of the history of your life, they are separate from your marriage in many respects.Joining a marriage support group can also be helpful. You can find these through local counseling resources. Sometimes your local crisis numbers can provide services in your area that can be helpful. If you belong to a religious or spiritual community, then you might see if there is any type of counseling offered for free or at a reduced rate. Sometimes pastoral support is focused on the spiritual side of any issues addressed, so if you feel this is important it might be a viable option for you.Lastly, parents are imperfect. Yep...its true. They had no more of a guaranteed parenting success manual than you do at having chances for a perfect marriage. We limp along and do our best. Having said that, we can still take the best from our past and apply to our future, no matter how small or insignificant it might be for us. The bad stuff serves as lessons of what to avoid, and we are each responsible and accountable for our actions in this life. Both with ourselves, and toward other people. So this becomes a guiding principle in our actions. It may be that you discover that the marriage you are in is not a good fit.  I am sure that remains to be seen, but either way you both must be involved in saving it. If only one of you cares, then 100% of the energy to salvage the marriage rests on the shoulders of one person. That's not fair. So be sure you have a clear understanding from your wife about what she wants, and work to create an amicable solution. All of this said, seek out supportive friends, and actively work to do your part to make the changes you want to see in your life. One way or the other, you will benefit from it.Be well.

Instruct: On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this? Output: I get how you feel; you wish your body looked different and you're embarrassed that you tried to make it look different and people may notice. You don't say how old you are. It's likely that, if you are young, your body will change as you mature, but in general, we're given the bodies we're given and I'm glad to see that there may be a desire in you to accept your body the way it is. You seem to want to stop disguising it. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes and every woman knows how it feels to struggle with accepting what her's looks like. Many men go through this as well, although women are more often targeted with cultural messages about how we're supposed to look. Young people often believe that others are noticing and judging them. In fact, other people are far more preoccupied with who might be judging them than whatever's going on with you. I suggest you wear whatever bra you want to wear, and if someone is rude enough to comment on it, you can ignore them and talk about the weather or the latest pop song that you love and they'll get the hint. But my bet is they won't even notice. :)

Instruct: Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them. Output: Hi California,I'm happy to hear you want to get a hold of this problem. Relationships don't tend to last when we treat people poorly. It is very possible for you to learn different ways of relating, with some strong effort. I would highly suggest working with a therapist, and I will give you a few things to think about in the interim.Sometimes anger is there because we feel something is unjust or unfair, but many times, anger is a "secondary emotion", and it's simply there to protect us from other, more vulnerable emotions that we would rather not feel and will do anything to avoid. Discovering what vulnerable emotions you are protecting yourself from is important. Perhaps you feel powerless, or unloved, or unimportant. It may take some time before you recognise this emotion. Once you do, you can ask yourself about the other times in your life when you have felt that emotion. Where did it originate? At what age did you feel "too much" of that feeling...so much so that you can't stand it even in tiny amounts?You will learn in therapy to identify the thoughts you have that are connected to that feeling. They are typically incorrect thoughts, like "No one lifes me", or "People will always hurt me". Fear tends to generalize and predict bad things that aren't likely.Your habit is so strong that you likely have a poor sense of self-worth and you don't believe people will love you...so you hurt them to keep them at a distance. This happens in a subconscious level. Do you see how that would help you to keep people off balance or afraid or a distance away if you didn't believe in your worth? So, it's backwards really, because you think you're getting mad at people who "piss you off", but you're really just not wanting to face how mad you are at yourself.In addition to this work, you can start to purposely treat people more kindly. Find out what respect is, make amends and  resolve to spreading peace. It might sound too simple, but if you act as though you're a person of peace, you will start to feel more peaceful.But I hope you do contact a therapist. It will take time and support to reach your goal.

Instruct: I have friends, family, I live in a good home, I go to a nice high school, and I get pretty good grades, but I don’t know why I'm so unhappy. These friends are my best friends and they’re all amazing people, and yet I'm sad all the time and feel alone. Output: I wonder if you have moments where you feel happy?You say you have amazing friends. I wonder if you get along with them and feel as though you can be yourself around them.Sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do really well at everything all the time and this can be overwhelming sometimes. Where do you have support? I hope you can tell someone that you are feeling sad so that you can talk about your feelings.Sleeping can make a big difference as far as feeling sad as well. If you're not sleeping well at night, that could be a big part of feeling sad a lot.Perhaps you could try to find a person or two who makes you feel totally safe and comfortable and try to talk with them.

Instruct: Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me? Output: I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time.I wonder about how your friendships are in person. If you get along well with people and have effective conversations with them face-to-face, there could be some kind of technology-related problem.Have you tried gently talking to people about how you send a message and they didn't answer? If you can phrase it in such a way that they recognize that you are asking for information and not blaming them for not answering you, that could be effective.I'd also encourage you to consider how much this is bothering you. If it is causing a significant amount of anxiety (say, more than 5/10 if 10 is really anxious), I would suggest talking with a local therapist.In the meantime, consider talking about this with someone you trust to whom you can get more details to get a more specific answer.

Instruct: From the moment I wake up, I hear what I think is my voice in my head. Even now, I hear it saying every word I’m thinking. When I lay down to sleep, I think of weird and crazy things, and the voice will never stop talking. I don’t know if it’s me thinking. It never stops. I’ll lay in my bed for hours just thinking about weird stuff. I should mention that I talk to myself a lot: mostly in my head, but out loud as well. Output: First let's make sure that the voice is not one you hear outside your head and that it is not giving you commands.  If either are the case, please visit a psychiatrist for an accurate assessment.I believe you asking for some support in order to quiet your reactive mind (also called self-talk, automatic thoughts, mind talk, etc.)  When anxious, these thoughts tend to start racing.  The battle inside heats up even more when you start judging the thoughts themselves.  It sounds like the idea of the racing thoughts is giving you extra stress, and you have created a feedback loop.  In CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), there are some excellent BEHAVIORAL interventions to break free.  Start by doing behaviors that are distracting, fun, and healthy, such as calling a friend, going to a movie, or getting some exercise.  You may also do behaviors that slow your heart rate like deep breathing and yoga.  It's amazing how well slowing the body can slow the mind.  There are many other behavioral techniques for calming the mind.  Pick up a mindfulness meditation book for more ideas.Then there is the COGNITIVE aspect of your question.  This is the idea of recognizing how the thoughts are distorted and to challenge them rationally.  For example, if you do some of the behaviors just mentioned and you get some benefit, your stated idea that "it never stops" may not be accurate.  And your comments that the thoughts are "weird" or "crazy" are arbitrary judgments that you are making against yourself.  These are examples of cognitive distortions.  By challenging them, you may slow down the chatter inside your head.Of course, my book LIVING YES, A HANDBOOK FOR BEING HUMAN, is filled with ideas for both behavioral and cognitive improvement.  I evan have a chart (p. 57) which shows the different characteristics of the "worldly voice" and the "sacred voice" inside.  Learn more about Living Yes at www.LivingYes.org.  You may also want to find a qualified CBT therapist in your town by searching the top clinicians who are listed on the www.AcademyofCT.org website.I hope you find peace soon.  Keep breathing calmly and get some rest.  ~Mark

Instruct: My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. Output: This sounds stressful.You mentioned that you want to learn how to avoid them. I'm not sure whether you want to avoid them overall or if you would like to ask your mom to maybe only talk to you about it for a few minutes about your niece in each conversation that you have.Maybe you can connect your mom with some support. It sounds as if she has lost part of herself and/or is very stressed out and in talking with you about it because she trusts you enough for you to be someone she can speak openly, you are becoming stressed because of things that you cannot directly change. This is the presumptive based on the amount of information that you posted, but it sounds like there is a bit of a circle of stress here.I also wonder who you could talk with when you are stressed.It may be helpful to see a local mental health professional to help redefine some boundaries so you can have the type of relationship with your mother that you want without necessarily feeling stressed out by it every day.

Instruct: A girl and I were madly in love. We dated for over a year and were even talking about marriage and future plans together. She moved away for school, and we attempted a long distance relationship. We eventually broke up. It's been a year now, and I still haven't lost my feelings for her. I still love her the same way I did. I've suffered from depression ever since the breakup and have been unable to connect with anyone else. It's damaging me and my life. Output: Hi Boise, I'm sorry that you've lost this love. The fact that you were planning marriage and a future tells me that you meant something very special to each other at that time. It's different now...you're not together anymore, but you can't accept this, right? Good for you for identifying that this situation is damaging your life. You've been grieving for longer than you were together. Oh, but really you've not been grieving...you're stuck still loving her instead of moving forward. Unrequited love is a recipe for eternal heartache. Let's look at some possible blocks to moving forward.It could be that there's something unfinished for you. Maybe you felt hurt and you didn't have the chance to say so, or you felt you hurt her and you didn't have the chance to make it right. Maybe there's a burning question you need to ask or something else you need to say. Maybe you want to tell her you've never stopped loving her, and see if she feels the same way. If this is the case, you have two choices, right? You can reach out and say what you need to say, or you can stop ruminating on that question and let it go. If you reach out, there's no guarantee it will go well or that she'll even respond. Maybe write her a letter and don't send it (or send it...it might be worth the risk). Use the next paragraph to help you decide. Do you know how she feels? How did it end? Did she end it? Was it ended just because of the distance, or are there more differences between you that didn't work? Sometimes people are so in love that they can't clearly see that the other person isn't in love with them anymore. Use the information you have about what she wants for her life...can you honour what she says she needs? If she's asked for distance, you would do well to honour that.A key to moving forward: look at your thoughts and where they're getting stuck. Write it down. What bad thing can happen if you let it go? Or "If I move forward, that will mean..."  Keep going...what would be the worst part of that?  This kind of exploring can help you identify your stuck place.It is possible that you've turned this ending into some kind of negative meaning about you or your future. As in "If this person doesn't love me, then I'm unlovable", or "No one will ever love me as much as she did". So your need to cling to her in your heart is your way of rejecting that negative message about yourself or the future. Can you find another way to reject that message? Try saying these things to yourself:I know she loved me. There is evidence of that.I was a good partner. There is evidence of that.It's part of life to fall in love and then have to move forward...I can do this and learn from it.Many people like me...that's how I know I'm lovable.It's normal to feel sad. I'm grieving a lost love.I want to move forward and not stare in the rearview mirror.I know more love awaits me if I can get fear out of the way.If this person loved me, others can too, (but not if I'm clinging to some old memory)These are the kinds of things a therapist would explore with you. I wish you well!

Instruct: I'm just an extremely paranoid person. I constantly feel as though I am in some sort of danger, like as though I live in a horror movie with no resolution. It worsens at night. It gets to the point I'm scared in my own home more so than anything. I have no access to the help I need so I'm desperate. Output: One approach is to be more accepting of yourself as someone who has fears.It is much easier to manage a problem when you're not fighting yourself for having a problem.Once you are willing to accept this quality within yourself you may start to feel a little more relaxed about handling the fears when they arise.One answer is to examine the facts about the fears.   Ask yourself fact based questions as to how you would handle the worse case scenario of your fears.Feeling prepared, whether or not the circumstance is highly unlikely to happen, may increase your peace of mind with living the great fears within your mind.

Instruct: A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection, Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage. I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to. What could be causing this, and what can I do about it? Output: When I'm working with men with this type of situation, I always suggest a medical examination to rule out any type of organic reason for a difficulty in maintaining interaction. In cases where there is no medical reason for the loss of erection, I find that many men have a similar situation in experiencing negative intrusive thinking during lovemaking. My counseling approach for this situation is to incorporate the use of mindful sex.

Instruct: I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident? Output: A good way to start is the language or "self talk" that is happening inside your mind.  Looking at your question, when it is said that the presentations "make me feel stress" you are giving the responsibility of the stress to the presentations and taking that away from your self.  The presentations cannot give or take away your stress, that's something only you can do and you can do it!   What language can you change in your self talk?  For example, are you saying "I can't speak in front of an audience! I'll fail?"  That sounds a lot different than "I studied my butt off and if I practice speaking out loud, I can ace this presentation!"  Although this is a short answer, I do believe that counseling will help you overcome these stressful feelings and bring out your inner confidence.

Instruct: Everything just makes me upset. Output: Anger often comes with a lot of other emotions. Consider what else you may be feeling at the same time and keep track of your different mood changes. You may be able to notice patterns, such as being more frustrated when you don't sleep well. If you do feel as though you are mad all the time, can you think of any exceptions so you can see what is different in those times?

Instruct: I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this. Output: This could have many different origins. Have you tried asking him about it? Sometimes starting with asking whether he would be open to having an important discussion can be a good beginning. If that starts well, perhaps continuing with something like "I've noticed that we haven't been together intimately (or whatever phrasing works for you) as much lately. Can you tell me more about what it's like for you?"When asking questions like this, it usually helpful to not overuse (and perhaps try to avoid using) the word "why." That word tends to trigger really strong emotional reactions in people. Try starting with "what makes" Instead. For example, "what made you choose not to do that?"

Instruct: I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present. Output: Remember, the past no longer exists and the future is just an illusion as we don't know what will happen tomorrow, so take the present as your guide. That is all we can do, so keep saying this to yourself and try to help someone each day.  The happiness is helping others to feel a bit better.

Instruct: My new daughter-in-law just informed me that she is smoking marijuana while pregnant because of her morning sickness. I’m in shock and I don’t know how to respond. I just lost my mom, and she was good with advice. Output: Have you reached your own conclusions and reasons for these, regarding the topic?   When you feel confident in your own reasons for your conclusions, then obviously ask your daughter in law for some time together and tell her what you think and your reasons for opinions.Plan for this meeting according to the type of relationship you have with your daughter in law.Since your son will also be affected by the prenatal conditions of his child, he may also be interested in being part of this conversation.Also, during your discussion, find out the exact ways the morning sickness affects your daughter in law.It is possible that scheduling adjustments in routines can be made so your daughter has more time to rest or fewer responsibilities for a while until she feels better.Maybe you and other family members can lighten her daily routines so she has more time for herself to manage her morning sickness in a less risky way.Sending Good luck!

Instruct: I'm a girl, and I can't tell whether I'm bisexual or gay. I like girls a little more than boys, but I don't really know. Output: Sexual orientation is not always something that is clearly definable. Some people look at it on a continuum where being attracted to only boys is at one end, only girls is at the other, and bisexual is in the middle. Anywhere in between those points can be any amount of attraction to boys or girls.If you don't know whether you are gay or bisexual, that is okay. A lot of people don't know for quite some time. In addition to that, after people do know who they are attracted to, a lot of times they do not use the terms "gay" or "bisexual" for quite a while.It's okay not to know.Think about what sorts of expectations you have for your ideal relationship. Some examples may include trust, respect, availability for conversation or connection, etc. Whatever it is that you find important in a relationship is likely what matters most.If you are struggling with learning what it is that you would like in a relationship or any other feelings connected with what you are thinking and feeling, I would suggest connecting with a local therapist so you have a place to talk about what you are experiencing.

Instruct: Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go? Output: Hello, and thank you for your question. Boy, ending relationships is tough, isn't it? Sometimes it's tough even when we are 100% sure that it is the right thing to do!I am going to give you some of my thoughts, and hopefully some colleagues will add some others. One of the things that I want to point out is that "letting go" is not really a thing. In other words, it's not really something you can reach out and grab. It's more of a process. This is good news, because you don't necessarily have to be at the end of the process to end an unhealthy relationship. We just have to accept that there will be feelings that come up even after the relationship is over. For example, someone can end an unhealthy relationship today, but then be reminded of the good times on what would have been their "anniversary." This could make the person very sad. They may even regret ending the relationship for a little while. It would important, then, for the person to remind themselves why the relationship needed to end, and that they are healthier because of it. This is relevant for you. It's hard to walk away from a relationship. We fear all kinds of things, including being single! Sometimes it's helpful to compare what you are getting out of the relationship to what you want from a relationship. It's helpful to be honest about what we have given up for an unhealthy relationship. It's fine to admit uncertainly about ending things. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have moments of doubt and sadness along with a dash of guilt. And even with all of that, someone can still leave if it is the healthiest thing for them. They can have sadness later on, and still not go back.It sounds like you are feeling responsible for making sure he is okay because of this divorce. The truth is that there is not necessarily a "perfect" time to end any relationship. There would be no guarantee that he would be doing any better after the divorce. Sometimes NOT making decisions stresses us out A LOT more than making a decision and living with the consequences, both good and bad. You may be at that crossroads. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

Instruct: I started dating a guy I met online. He told me that he registered sex offender but he didn't do anything. He took a plea to always register as sex offender and he did two years. That was more than two decades ago. Nothing on his record since. I always believe the past should be left in past. But my roommates, their family and my son are unforgiving. Should I forgive this man that I'm falling in love with or should I dump him? If I stay with him I will never see my family and granddaughter again. Output: Thank you for your question. Trust is a huge thing in relationships and when that is broken, or perceived as being broken, it takes a long time to repair. From what you shared, it sounds like your boyfriend took steps to correct the situation and has shown to be trustworthy since. Unfortunately, no matter how much we apologize for something we did or for something others perceive we did, there will always be those with hardened hearts and will not forgive. If you feel confident in your relationship, then trust your inner wisdom. We cannot control others but only ourselves. Respect your families wishes to remain in unforgiveness while at the same time, ask them to respect your wish to believe in him and be in this relationship. Good luck to you.

Instruct: I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to? Output: Great that you realize talking with a professional counselor about how you feel, would be helpful!If you'd like a very fast response by phone, then google "depression hotline" for where you live.  And, if you have a specific topic which upsets you then google around with this topic to see if there are services specific to your interest.If you've got time to invest in looking for the best fit therapist for yourself, then google "therapy' or "therapist".There will be many, many names which come up.I know I sound like I work for google only it is the easiest way to find lots of information.I send you good luck!

Instruct: I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much. Output: This can be difficult and confusing.If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling. If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations.Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with "why" because they can be emotional triggers for some people.If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples.

Instruct: He told me he started to back away because I was asking for too much in the relationship. The more I tried to fix things, the worse it got. I want to make us better again, but I don't know how. Output: Have you asked your boyfriend directly this question?It is a good question and possibly would open a necessary clarifying discussion as to what each of you expects from the other.

Instruct: I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? Output: What you are describing is something I often refer to as "living with your roommate" phenomenon. This is the idea that you feel like you are living with a roommate and no your partner or spouse . It is not uncommon for members of a couple to report to feel both physical and/or emotional distance. When we don't feel connected within relationships, this can be isolating and lonely. The emotional distance often makes us wonder: am I important to the other? These types of feelings need to be better understood in the context of your own background and upbringing I.e., who you are and also better understood in the context of your couple. Feeling reconnected can occur-- but there is not a "one size fits all" solutoon. As a first step, do you or your partner have any ideas of how to feel reconnected? Have you considering talking to your partner about the emotional void? Or how about discussing  solutions , together, that might help-- from individual therapy to couple therapy to a weekly date night to inquiring about one another's personal interest to starting off the conversation of what both of you want and can do to re-establish feelings of connectiveness. If this is too frightening I.e., to address the lack of connection between you and your spouse.  a fist meeting with a couple therapist can likely help unpack what the possible solutions for your couple.

Instruct: I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help? Output: I'm sorry you lost your grandpa.  Some things that may help you through this tough time are to journal or write about special memories you have of your grandpa.  You could also journal about your feelings of loss and how you miss him.  Another thing that might help is to talk with a friend or family member.  Sharing special memories of the person you lost can help you to grieve.If you would like to pursue counseling I would suggest doing an internet search for grief groups in your area.  Sometimes hospitals or hospice centers will offer them for free or low cost.  You can also do an internet search for non-profit counseling clinics in your area.  Many cities and towns will have a non-profit clinic that can provide low cost counseling, it might be worth checking into.

Instruct: I decided to stay and work it out. I just don’t want to sit on the couch. Other than that, I have been getting over the situation. I don't feel it is fair that she expects me to sit on that couch and won’t leave me alone about it. I can move on and continue to love, laugh, and play with my wife. I just don't want to sit on that couch. Output: Houston, It's normal for this kind of thing to be a trigger, so I get why you don't want to sit on it, but to keep refusing keeps the affair alive. Am I to assume that you can't afford a new one? Ideally, she buys you a new couch, but it certainly would be a gesture of love for you to do it too and it will help you both move forward. t will be interesting to see if there's anything else that keeps the problem alive after the couch is long gone.

Instruct: Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it? Output: Humans are social creatures so this can be an alarming thing for a parent to deal with, just like adults children are not the same and some children are more social than others, if he plays alone at recess (all the time) it would worry myself as well, however recess is only one domain of life, does he have friends outside of school or daycare? Does he socialize in other situations or is it just at recess where this occurs? If this is a global problem occurring at other social times it may be indicative of something deeper going on, if perhaps it is occurring "just during recess" it could be something else altogether. I would request reports from all teachers and caregivers concerning socialization and make a choice on whether or not to evaluate further.Hope this helps,C

Instruct: I feel like I have to be promiscuous in order to keep people around? It started after I got raped by my ex-boyfriend. Output: I recommend that you seek professional services to address the trauma you experienced. EMDR has been proven to be very effective in treating trauma. In addition, a support group might be helpful to find a more stable support network. Either a support group for victims of rape or sex/love addiction www.sa.org sound appropriate. Whichever group resonates the most with you will be the most helpful. If you have any additional questions or concerns, please feel free to ask.

Instruct: My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment. Output: Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations.   Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express.

Instruct: My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines. Output: It sounds like it might be worth asking the school for an evaluation to determine whether your daughter has any learning disabilities such as dysgraphia or dyslexia or seek an evaluation through an educational neuropsychologist.  I would also suggest having her vision checked by a developmental optometrist.

Instruct: I find myself being very outgoing most of the time, but there are some times when I don't know what to say. I don't even want to talk at all. It's like, I search for the right thing to say and nothing ever comes out. I don't know if I'm outgoing only to fill the void of not knowing what to say. I don’t know if people like that about me. I'm very self-conscious and always think people are talking about me, so it makes me have a cold shoulder and not want to talk. Output: Would you feel more secure in conversations if instead of talking soon after meeting someone or entering a social situation, you simply listened attentively to the other people?This way you'd have a more secure idea of what topics the group likes talking about and whether you like talking about these topics as well.Maybe you simply are in groups or situations in which you don't care for the people or focus.Start by trusting your own evaluation of your true interest in being among the groups in which you are.Maybe you simply need new and different groups.

Instruct: Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself. Output: It is possible that you could have or be developing an anxiety disorder. There isn't really enough information provided here to suggest a particular disorder, but it might be worth meeting with a counselor or therapist to do a formal assessment. Some of the questions they might ask could be what other kinds of physical symptoms you experience, how frequently these physical symptoms happen, what's going on for you when they tend to happen, and how frequently/intensely you find yourself worrying in general. Anxiety itself is a really natural thing - it's just when it starts interfering with your ability to "do life" the way you want that we start to consider potential disorders. It might be that for the most part, the anxiety you feel is normal and you simply have some triggers that intensify it more than usual. Working on your own or with the support of a counselor/therapist to both address those triggers at the root and also to develop ways of managing the actual anxiety symptoms. This two-fold approach can be really helpful for not letting anxiety keep you from engaging in life the way you'd like.

Instruct: What do you do when a therapist and a parent drugs a child and makes up lies in order to stop the other parent's custody visitation? Output: I will admit I am confused about this question. Are you the other parent in question or a concerned coworker of this therapist? Therapists do not prescribe or have access to medication. Most therapists won't even get involved in a custody battle. They know there is a good chance of their records ending up in court and that they themselves will have to testify in court. Of course, therapists are human and can make mistakes, but I find it highly unlikely that a therapist would knowingly and willingly do something like this that is such a major ethical violation. Not only are they losing their license to practice by doing this, they are going to face criminal charges and jail time. If their clinical judgment is that the other parent is a danger to the child, they don't have to resort to illegal means to try to prove this. If you have concrete proof that this has happened then there is a process in which you can file a report against the therapist with their licensure board. Every therapist is licensed in their state. There are different types of licensures so you would need to know this therapist's licensure.Most accusations from the other parent are expected in a custody situation because people do tend to get quite ugly. Don't accuse the therapist or the parent of anything just to try to make yourself look better and them look bad. Have evidence of wrongdoing before accusing them of this. If this has really happened then of course it needs to be reported, but don't try to ruin someone's career unless you are sure this occurred.

Instruct: I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do. Output: Divorce is expensive emotionally and financially. If your fiance is not ok with an open marriage, it would be a good idea to seek the help of a counselor before you get married.

Instruct: My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on? Output: Hello. I'm sorry that this happened to you, and that you are struggling with making a decision about this. In my experience, a couple can absolutely overcome cheating and get back to the relationship they once had. Hopefully, the other relationship is over, and you can work on rebuilding the trust that has been broken. It will be difficult for the both of you to move past this, and getting professional help as you navigate rebuilding your relationship is a good idea. Just know that you can get past this, many couples do.Good luck!

Instruct: My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite. Output: Lorain, you're correct that your husband's ex-wife is (seriously) minimizing this problem. I have a very strong opinion here. In my book, the safety of children trumps potentially insulting or hurting the feelings of adults. Of course the girls should be told, because they have the right to know. Their voice is not the only one I'm concerned about here though. I believe your husband has the right to insist that his daughters be in a safe home, and there is clear evidence this man is not safe. This woman is putting her own comfort (she simply doesn't want to deal with her partner's situation, her own fears, or anyone else's needs) above the safety of two vulnerable girls. Honestly, if it was me, my kids wouldn't be even visiting that home with that man present, "repented" or not. It's not worth the risk. If she decides to stay with him, the natural consequence of having a known perpetrator in your home is not having access to vulnerable children in that same home.

Instruct: I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident? Output: First of all, way to go in stretching yourself out of your comfort zone! You are sure to grow through all of this practice presenting to your peers, and that in itself will help to grow your confidence over time. In the meantime, do whatever you can to help yourself feel prepared for each presentation. Do your work ahead of time so that you feel well-informed on your topic, and then spend the days leading up to your presentation practicing. Do your presentation in the mirror, while you are driving (if it won't distract you from the road), and practice in front of a friend. On the day of the presentation, eat a balanced meal, get a pep talk from a supportive friend, use deep breathing to keep your body calm, and remind yourself that you are prepared. You got this!

Instruct: We do communicate but one of us has trouble accepting what the other person says. How can I fix things? Output: Being able to accept your partner's influence is a key relationship skill. And it's very two sided.  Chances are if you don't feel your partner is being influenced by you, they likely don't feel you are being influenced by them either. The best fix you can practice is to soften yourself into your partner and see how much more open you can be to their influence.  Play with it.

Instruct: I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that. Output: From what you write, it sounds like you're reaching quite far into your child's father's way to handle his friendships.There's a difference between an agreement between you and the child's father to not view porn, and with you monitoring and setting standards for your child's father's way to handle his social life.Try to accept the limits of your request extends to you and the child's father, not the way the child's father wants to handle his relationships with other people.Also, pushing too hard or setting your expectations of the child's father too wide for him to tolerate may end up backfiring on you.Who knows, maybe he'll decide "enough is enough" and withdraw from the otherwise reasonable agreement to not watch porn.

Instruct: We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. Output: I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills.

Instruct: How does a person start the counseling process? Output: The first thing to do is to reflect on what you want to seek counseling. Search online and then set up a phone consultation. A person can find out a lot about a counselor and the services that they offer over the phone. After a consultation then set up an intake questions. The overall goal is to make sure that you are comfortable with the counselor and the services they can offer.

Instruct: I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help? Output: To be bullied is very painful.I'm glad you know the bullies are doing the wrong thing and whatever they are telling you is pure meanness.Depending on how independent you feel, why not tell either your classroom teacher or schedule an appointment with the vice principal?Bullying other students is taken very seriously in some states and schools are expected to address the bullying until the victimized student feels safe.If you hesitate to do this on your own, then would you ask either of your parents or even a friend of yours who is also in the school, to report the problem?In case you are afraid the bullies will retaliate for reporting them, then tell this to whatever school authority you decide to ask for help.You're entitled to be protected by your school.

Instruct: I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process? Output: You may be interested in reading my most recent post, Intimacy Begins With You. In it I offer 7 expert tips to help you get started on a path of self connection and discovery. This is important stuff to do in order to work through that stuff that's holding you back from the relationships you desire. You may find that it's especially helpful to do this work with the alliance of a skilled individual therapist.

Instruct: I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help? Output: Thank you for asking this important question. I find that there are three steps to getting ready for treatment. Step one is expressing interest in wanting to receiving treatment for the outcome of positive behavioral change. Congratulations you did the first step! You are showing your readiness to start counseling by asking this question. Now the second step is to find a counselor who specializes in treating clients with Anxiety and Depression. The therapeutic orientations I have found to be helpful in treating clients with  Anxiety and Depression are a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with Mindfulness, and Solution Focused Brief Therapy. Receiving meditation for your symptoms if part of the treatment, and the other part is receiving counseling to increase your resilience for future events. Research has found that medication and psychotherapy treatments together shows the most effective outcome for Depression.  The third step is to increase your positive self-talk to motivate yourself to attend treatment. As counselors, we are aware of the anxieties and fears that are associated with talking to a new professional for the first time. However, remind yourself that you are doing this to improve your well being. I hope this was helpful, and good luck with your treatment journey.

Instruct: I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction? Output: Hopefully you feel you have the time to follow this procedure.1. For a week - log when you smoke - time, place and activity2. Plan on cutting back 10% for a week.Cut out the easiest times.3.Next change the times and and activities for 3 days - consider water or candy or gum if it is very tough. 4. Cut another 10% each week until you are done.

Instruct: My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay. Output: You're probably not going to like my answer.Your question says a lot about what YOU want rather than what she wants or what may be best for her. Sometimes, what's best for a person is the hardest thing to do, and may be completely opposite of what YOU want.Addictions don't happen in a vacuum. If you've had any experience with addicts at all, then I'm sure you've heard the term "enabler". A lot of the times, when people think they're "helping", they're actually enabling the addict to continue their self-destructive behavior. Tough love and clear boundaries are needed in a lot of situations, but especially with addictions. Family and friends are often the biggest contributing factor to someone choosing to use/drink, continuing to do so, or relapsing back into it.You said she recently quit. You said she is depressed. She wants to move. When a person receives counseling for addictions, they are encouraged to make changes like this. They need to break the habit, and this means removing people from their lives at times. It means moving to new locations. Anything that may trigger a relapse needs to be identified and removed. Not only that, but the addict needs to do a lot of personal reflection to figure out WHY they use/drink in the first place, and not only break the physical addiction to it, but deal with whatever is the root cause that led them to use in the first place. She may need some time alone to figure out who she is as a person, time to make some decisions for herself and do what she needs to do to be healthy.Don't pressure her to stay. Let her have the freedom to do what she needs to do. If she stays, the decision needs to be hers and hers alone. It doesn't need to be made under pressure. That will only lead to resentment. Support her, but don't try to change her or make her do anything, especially for selfish reasons. Let her go. It sounds like she needs some time to focus on herself right now. It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to do the same.

Instruct: I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident? Output: This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself.

Instruct: I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling? Output: Everyone has topics to discuss when they start therapy.   There is no correct number of topics.youSometimes people go to therapy for one specific area of their life.   Not everyone has the time or interest to utilize therapy just when a significant topic arises in their life.Since you are one person, no matter how many or few topics you would like to address in therapy, all the topics relate to you.Possibly the result of your therapy will be more transformational than if you talked only on one topic.  Lucky you, to be on the cusp of clearing and resolving many vulnerabilities at once.   You will feel brand new by the time you finish your therapy work!

Instruct: I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? Output: It is not the case of being right or wrong, in my view. If you are asking, I believe you truly care for your boyfriend. It seems like he is having difficulties in establishing trust in this relationship. The ideal would be to come closer to his upsetness and to show him that you are there for him. I hope all goes well. Rossana Mag.

Instruct: I am divorced and happily remarried. Our blended family of children are in their 20s. My youngest, age 20, continues to call me crazy and favors her dad. He was abusive to me, and I left with injuries. He never wanted kids, and I did. He paid child support only through forced wage earners. Now my daughters favor him after all the sacrifices I made for them the past 15 years as a single mom. I don’t deny them a relationship with their dad, but to be called crazy and then watch them hang out with him hurts me to the very core. I’m not sure how to handle this. Output: Hi, I understand what you're going through. Your daughters favor him because he has done no wrong in their eyes. Im guessing they lived with you? Growing up I was the same way.. I favoured my dad, thinking he has done no wrong. He also abused my mother multiple times, and that never came to mind. kids like their other parent more mainly because they don't see them everyday, and they usually buy them everything they want, because all he does it pay child support (by force) and then spoil their kids to make them happy. You seem like a great mom, don't doubt yourself. 

Instruct: I'm fine when we start becoming intimate, but out of nowhere, I will get a flashback of what happened to me in the past. I start hysterically crying and freaking out when my boyfriend obviously has done nothing to hurt me. Output: Have you sought the support of a therapist really qualified in working through sexual trauma? It can take some work, but healing is possible. If you feel able to, it may also help to open a dialogue with your boyfriend about what you need from him when you have these flashbacks. Let him know what some helpful responses may be. 

Instruct: I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (I’m a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own. Output: Don't think that you can't afford the help you need on your own.  There are several counselors that see people on a sliding scale that can be as low as $5 (based on your income).  Find a center that is non-profit, they have great counselors as well. It sounds like you know what you are experiencing and know that you need someone to talk to, someone that is willing to listen.  Your parents may not understand what your are feeling right now and that is not totally abnormal.I would encourage you to seek help immediately so you can live the best live you can...which is not being depressed. 

Instruct: I'm in college currently, so I am not a direct victim anymore. My father is very abusive with his words and actions, and my siblings are getting treated horribly. Output: Yes you can help!  Emotional and verbal abuse can cause a negative impact in your family.  It is important that you encourage your siblings to seek assistance with a therapist, and maybe help them find one, they should have school counselors available and if not our college counselor may help you to get referrals.  It’s also a good idea to talk to your mom about the issue and ask her if she would like help as well.  If you are concerned about your siblings' safety, contact Family Protective Services in your state, they will investigate and refer your father to classes or therapy as needed. It takes courage to do the right thing, you can do this!¿Hay algo que pueda hacer para ayudar a mis hermanos a escapar de nuestro emocionalmente abusivo padre?Actualmente estoy en la universidad, así que no soy victima directamente.  Mi padre es muy abusivo con sus palabras y acciones, y trata a mis hermanos horriblemente.¡Tu si puedes ayudar!  El abuso emocional y verbal puede causar daños graves en la familia.  Es importante que motives a tus hermanos a visitar e incluso encontrar a un terapista, la escuela debe tener uno disponible, y también puedes pedirle referidos a tu Consejero universitario.  También es buena idea que hables con tu mama al respecto y le preguntes si a ella le gustaría buscar ayuda.  Si te preocupa la seguridad de tus hermanos, contacta a el Departamento de Protección a la Familia en tu estado para reportar el abuso.  Ellos investigaran y determinaran si el hogar es un ambiente seguro par tus hermanos y recomendaran terapia o clases para tu papa.  Hay que ser valiente para hacer lo correcto, ¡tú puedes hacerlo!

Instruct: Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies? Output: Your question is actually thoughtful and reflects a true interest to know more about life.No one knows if god is a lie because "god" is a concept in which people either make up their own definition of this concept, or believe one of the concepts of what god is, handed down by religions.All the religions exclude the other god concepts, and expect loyalty to believing in their particular version of "god".Probably god is real in the sense that most people want to believe there is guided purpose to what goes on in life.This is as definite as what we can know about "god"."God" is not a lie because it is not a fact.  Beliefs aren't provable.